Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
After Tommy's van gets wheel-clamped whilst parked on land belonging to the mighty pest control organization Organosolve he suspects that the company is falsely drumming up trade by causing infestations. He sets out to expose the firm,negotiating several concessions for himself as a result.
Okay, Simon, just relax.
Let all the tension go out of your
body, all the stress draining away.
[Watch beeps]
You're visualising
yourself as a tree.
What kind of tree
are you, Simon?
-Simon: Um, an oak tree.
-Saxondale: Redwood.
Great, big oak.
A great big oak?
Simon: A sycamore. No, an ash.
Saxondale: [Whispering]
Giant redwood.
Simon: A redwood.
Alistair: And that's the
biggest tree in the forest, isn't it?
Simon: Yes, yes,
it's really high.
-Simon: Very high, I can see for miles.
-Saxondale: It's a tree.
Alistair: Can you
see any people?
Simon: Yeah. There are
people walking on the ground.
-What do they look like?
-[Whispering] Ants. Ants.
-Simon: They look like ants.
-How did I know that?
The people like you, don't
they? They like the giant tree.
Simon: Yeah, they do, they're
walking around me, smiling.
Alistair: How does
that make you feel?
Simon: Um, I feel really good.
Yeah, really happy.
-It feels good, doesn't it?
-Simon: Yeah, it does.
Alistair: In the peace and quiet of
the forest, making people happy.
Simon: Yeah. Yes, it does.
I think so.
The people are making me angry.
I just want to lift up my great
big legs and stamp on them.
[Watch beeps]
Stamp on them, and
keep stamping on them.
-It's okay, Simon, it's okay.
-Simon: Squash them.
Thank you for that.
Why don't you just go and take a moment,
maybe get yourself a glass of water?
-Simon: Make a cup of tea.
-Alistair: Well done.
Tommy, I couldn't help noticing that
you were a bit distracted during that.
Do you not feel you're
engaging with this exercise?
I'd like to posit the notion
that some of these exercises
may be a waste of time.
What makes you say that?
-[Simon wails]
-[Glass shatters]
A hunch.
[Theme music playing]
Is there something I'm
not getting here, mate?
You, organosolve, have
newly acquired this land,
which means you control
the clamping company,
but you're telling me you can't remove
this ankle bracelet from my kangoo?
I know, it's annoying, isn't it?
I got the old merc sl
clamped in town last month.
Had to put a few extra
hours in to pay it off.
Here's me telling the wife I'm working
late again, for once, it's actually true.
[Laughs]
I mean I'd love to get the
clamp off your kangaroo.
-It's a kangoo.
-Kangaroo?
-Kangoo.
-Kangaroo?
Kangoo!
Kangaroo? No, I'm only winding
you up, mate, I heard you the first time.
Yeah, yeah, I know you were.
I mean, no one likes clamping, but, well,
you've got to have rules and regulations.
Sadly, some of us
have to enforce them.
Yeah, the Nazis said exactly the
same thing at the nuremberg trials.
Word for word. Apart
from the word "clamping".
You know, we're not all motivated by money.
Some of us do things for the common good.
Pigeons round here are a
nuisance. I get rid of them for nothing.
And, in return, I deserve
a free parking space.
No, no, there's no
pigeons round here, mate.
Right.
No pigeons.
Yeah, they must have,
uh, gone somewhere else.
[Pigeon coos]
Ah, see, there.
Ugh.
[Shudders]
Happy?
Yeah.
Raymond.
-[Car horn beeps]
-See you.
-See you.
-Don't say, "see you".
Pain in the bum about
the clamping, Tommy, eh?
Still, lucky about the bird shit, so,
you know, swings and roundabouts.
Hey, Tommy, you know that
company organosolve, yeah?
That's Eric lambert's old
company. He sold out to Langley's.
Took the king's
shilling, did he?
No, I think he got a bit more than
that, Tommy, babes. That's old money.
Oops, I forgot, him and Tommy had a fight,
but we don't talk about that, do we, Tommy?
-Doesn't bother me in the slightest.
-You had a proper fight?
-It wasn't really a fight.
-No, it wasn't exactly gladiator.
Just a little bit of shouting and pushing,
yeah? It's like the old saying goes,
"a lot of sound and fury,
but nothing going on, really."
-"Signifying nothing."
-Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying.
-We wasn't gonna have to call in the riot squad.
-No, you weren't.
No, there was no need.
A quick smack on the legs for the pair of
them, eh, Raymond? Early to bed, no supper.
No, I'm being grammatical,
it's "weren't" not "wasn't".
All right, all right. I "weren't"
going to call in the riot squad.
No, that would be "wasn't".
Oh, make your mind
up, Tommy, love, eh?
Well, anyway, look.
You don't want to mess with Langley's,
they're a very big company, yeah.
-It would be like Damien and Goliath.
-That's David and Goliath.
It's from a book
called the Bible.
The Bible, tommy, yeah?
I'm afraid I don't want to be
sitting around all day reading a book
about an old man with
grey hair and a beard.
No, I'm not looking at
you, Tommy, pet, no.
Look at his little face, he
thought I was talking about him.
-No, I didn't.
-No, Tommy, because you're not god, no.
I bet he wishes he
was god, though, yeah?
Sitting up there on a big, fat cloud,
telling people off for not talking proper.
Properly. Properly.
I know, Tommy, I'm just
teasing. Sorry, darling, I'm sorry.
Look, I would of told yous about
them people what clamped yous, but,
I weren't to know they
were coming, were I?
Raymond: So, the guy
you had that fight with...
If he sold his company to
Langley's, is he, like, rich now?
Oh, yeah, turned
his life around.
He's got everything
he ever dreamed of.
Married a boots beautician,
dimmer switches in his house,
membership of the Sunday
timeswine club, decking in his garden.
There was a rumour he's
even got a water feature.
Wow, eh? So why don't
you sell your company?
Been there. A multinational dangled the
fiscal carrot, but then I saw the small print.
It said, "in accordance
with presentation policy,
"all employees must
be clean-shaven."
I said, "the day they take a
philishave to the face fungus
"is the day I hit the
catwalk wearing hot pants,
"bikini waxed for the occasion."
The room was in total silence.
Oh, look, there's another one of
those organosolve vans by the hi-fi shop.
There's so many of them.
Yeah, they're like boy
bands in the dole queue.
Organosolve in a hi-fi shop...
Right, we're going
in. Reconnaissance.
I'll act as decoy, you
infiltrate the enemy ranks
and provide some deep
background information.
What, like you want...
-Just have a nosey.
-Okay.
[Inaudible]
You all right there, sir?
-Yeah, just having a mosey.
-Okay.
The 206d's in the window, is that
with the titanium-dome hyper tweeters?
Yeah, that's it. They're
a very successful line.
Those little peaches must
tickle the old flat response to 50k?
-Fifty-five, actually.
-What's the low-frequency corner response at -6db?
Forty hertz.
-Modified motors?
-Faraday rings.
-The advantage being?
-Ultra-low distortion in the lf drivers.
What were the high-frequency
performance results for that unit
with the lumped-parameter
system, give or take a db or two?
You wouldn't measure
high frequency that way.
Your kung fu is good.
So what system have you got?
Just a denon m330
dht on my home cinema.
She's pumping out 120 watts
via bno force for the rear artillery.
I've got wharfedale eights
up front for close combat.
Cracking top end
for the bayonet work.
With that 250 sub
woofer sticking the boot in,
you've got a sound that would
drag your mother from a tea dance
and have her shaking her
money-maker for the hell's angels.
So, are you looking to upgrade?
Er, no, I just came in for
those little plastic cable ties.
Oh, right. Okay.
Yeah, we sell those,
come in packs of two.
Right. I just want one.
Target locked on.
Well, they're £1.
Pound. A pound, a pound,
a pound, a pound, a pound.
Er, yeah, go on.
-Okay, great.
-Actually, um...
Yeah, go on, yeah.
Yeah? Okay, right, yeah.
I'll just go and grab you one.
Actually, do you know what? I'll just
have a think about it, yeah, cheers.
It doesn't make sense.
I mean, once he's
got rid of the fleas,
how is it he keeps going back?
Hang on, what were
we talking about before?
Uh, you said that Jurassic
park was fine for the punters,
but that, as professionals, we
should regard it as a pack of lies.
No, before that.
Oh, um...
I said that the organosolve
guy's got a box,
and that when he opened
it, I saw a packet of powder.
Powder.
Powder.
[Typing]
Powder.
-Tommy?
-What?
-Who are you talking to?
-Raymond.
Raymond went to bed ages ago.
Darling, you need some
sleep, you're really tired.
No, I'm not.
-Tommy?
-Ah! Fruit flies.
What if he's creating
an infestation himself?
I mean, guarantees repeat work,
but how's he getting them in there?
You know, Tommy, if you were
to adjourn to the bedroom now...
Fleas' eggs. Well, well, well.
I would make it
seriously worth your while.
[Sighs]
Would you now?
Then, in the words of a former member
of the doobie brothers, "yammo be there."
[Coughs]
You all right, mate?
All right.
-Fleas again, is it?
-Yeah.
Just like at the hi-fi shop.
Gather round, people. I
think you might dig this.
Come on, roll up.
You organosolve guys are killing
fleas everywhere, aren't you?
-But they keep coming back.
-Yeah, I suppose.
Yeah, well maybe they keep
coming back because you
artificially create the infestation
with a regular top-up of this.
Fleas' eggs.
-Glucose powder.
-Fleas' eggs.
No, it's glucose powder. I
have to carry it around with me.
In case I have a hypoglycaemic episode, it's
injectable, raises my blood-sugar level.
I've got a leaflet
if you want to...
What, like a bar of Kendal mint
cake wouldn't be just as effective?
Why is he gonna be carrying
fleas' eggs in his diabetes kit?
He's not, I know he's diabetic.
It's not what I'm talking
about, move on, for god's sake.
So what is your problem?
Just saying that Kendal mint cake is
just as effective in raising blood sugar,
but oh, no, that wouldn't do, because
if you had to be eating some mint cake,
you might have to share it out.
I think you've made
a big mistake, mate.
What, like none of you
have ever dropped a bollock?
I'm sure there's people
there looking at me thinking,
"he looks like a right
dick", but I'll tell you what,
if you were infantile enough to say
that out loud, I'd come right back at you.
I'd just say... I wouldn't say
anything, I'd just give you a look.
I'd just go, "phner".
Raymond.
-See ya.
-Don't say "see ya."
Dj: And now on radio four,
some straight-talking essex-style,
as Tony Parsons takes
political correctness to task
in, "I know I shouldn't
say this but..."
[Switches off radio]
I'm worried about you, babes.
You're just not yourself.
It's humbling, it really is.
I think I know how McCartney felt
when he released the frog chorus.
Never mind. Why don't you
go and take the falcon out?
You always feel better after you fly
the falcon, it really calms you down.
You could take Raymond with you.
Yeah, good call.
Slam dunk. Let's do it.
-All right?
-All right.
-What's occurring?
-Just going to go for a quiet walk somewhere,
you know, shoot my air pistol.
Bloody hell! Well,
you could do that,
or we could stop by my mate
Phil's house and pick up a falcon.
You've got a falcon?
Half share. Phil uses it
for live predatory response,
flies it round football stadiums, shopping
centres, scares off the other birds.
Pitting beast against beast.
One of magz' favourite pastimes.
-Sorry?
-It doesn't matter.
You'd really enjoy it, Raymond,
and it would cheer you up as well.
You know, I know Tommy comes across as a
guy who doesn't take any shit from anyone,
but he's actually got
a really sensitive side.
He was a mess when Diana died.
Yeah, I don't know
what that was about.
Weeping like a baby he was.
Yeah, all right, I
lit a fucking candle.
Do you want a nachos?
Oh, yeah, thanks.
[Saxondale sighs]
-"Turning and turning in the widening gyre."
-Is that from a poem?
And then some, dude.
Where did that come from?
I don't know, there's
something about falconry that
gets you thinking on a
very profound level, yeah.
That's the thing about falcons, they can
be trained, but they can never be tamed.
It's like it represents a
primal urge for freedom.
Like a spiritual yearning.
It's only a fucking bird.
[Car ignition]
Come on, I'll take you to
go and shoot your pop gun.
Not bad.
That can of low-alcohol
kaliber lager on the right...
-[Southern American accent]
-Sure has a purdy mouth.
The calibration's out.
[Grunts]
You don't believe me, do you?
Mind if I have a go of yours?
Er, no.
Can I have a go with your rifle?
Well, it's got a
customised grip, uh,
so I'd love to let you have a
go of it, but it would be illegal.
Oh!
Come on, vin diesel.
Saxondale: The
fast and the furious.
Raymond: But what
I don't understand is,
you get rid of the fleas
once, twice maybe, you know,
but he's been back
five times in four months.
When I was talking
to him at the hi-fi shop
he was telling me that once
a month the fleas come back.
Dude, dude, dude, sometimes
you've just got to let things go.
I mean, I learnt
that with my divorce.
And, apart from a very small
scar above my left eyebrow,
sustained by a blow from a teflon-coated
wok, the whole thing's history.
Oh, I know, but he was talking about
the men and I said, "well why don't the men
"complain about the fleas?" And he said,
"oh, you know women, always complaining."
-Which I thought was a bit unfair.
-Hang on.
The only people who complained
about flea bites were women?
Yeah.
[Tyres squeal]
There were no fleas.
-There were no fleas.
-There were no fleas.
It was a lie. Reds under the
bed, weapons of mass destruction.
The eagles' farewell tour.
All lies.
Raymond: Shit,
shit, shit. Got it!
Saxondale: Hey,
you got it, great.
He's tailing us, his glucose
powder must be kicking in.
Tommy, I don't get
it. What's happening?
Only women wear nylon
tights and stockings.
Though there was a trucker I once knew
who kept a pair of cotton-gusset tights
in his glove box, asked
me to keep quiet about it.
Said they'd been used
in an armed robbery.
Yeah, but what's women
wearing tights got to do with fleas?
Because when women walk on a
nylon carpet, it creates a static charge
that attracts tiny carpet
fibres that stick in the leg.
They scratch it, a lump
comes up. Just like a flea bite.
The organosolve guy is just spraying
plain water to dampen down the static.
There's no fleas.
Oh, so simple a child
could understand it.
A gifted child.
The important thing is to keep it in
perspective, you know, be humble in victory.
But just as Richard Nixon fell on
the sword of truth that was Watergate,
so will Bernard Langley reach his
Nemesis among the imaginary fleas
in the sevenoaks
audio hi-fi shop.
These people are deceitful, they are morally
bankrupt, and they will reap a whirlwind.
Oh! Sorry.
Quite big glasses.
Are you familiar with the
term "delusory parasitosis"?
-Yes, it means imagining insects that aren't there.
-Then let me enlighten you.
It's imagining insects
that aren't there.
I think that's what I just said.
Right, well we're
on the same page.
Just remind me again, when you spray fleas,
the stuff you put in here, what exactly is it?
Chemical compound.
Oh, right, and how
would you describe it?
-What's the word, what's the word?
-Toxic.
No, Raymond, just
sit down will you?
Highly poisonous.
Yeah, right.
Well, it can't be any worse
than the rhubarb schnapps
Bonnie Tyler forced down
my throat in dusseldorf.
"Prosit", that's what they say.
Argh!
[Chokes and gurgles]
Please, please...
I'm not dying, that
was just some acting.
It was good.
Yeah.
No, in here, mate, there's nothing
more harmful than good old h2o.
Maybe a little residue
of washing up liquid.
Well, you can't prove that flask
belongs to one of my operatives.
That flask belongs to me.
Okay, that probably
constitutes proof.
Same old, same old, eh?
The global corporate
bully sticking the jackboot
into the defenceless,
ginger-haired boy of humanity.
Come on, Tommy, we
know how this game works.
If a woman's
complaining about fleas,
it's easier just to spray the place
with water and tell her they've gone.
You try telling a woman she's
imagining things, all you get is that...
[Imitates annoying voice]
I find that offensive
and sexist.
A very small percentage
of women are nags.
Don't tar them all
with the same brush.
Well, what's it to you, anyway?
Who are you in all of this?
Just a guy trying to make
a difference. That's all.
And can I get a refund for the
clamping fine on my Renault kangoo.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
I can't help it, I like you. I
like your style, I like your spirit.
Look, face it, mate, we're
practically the only game in town.
Do yourself a favour,
come and work for us.
"The glittering prizes
and endless compromises
"shatter the
illusion of integrity."
So do you want to
come and work for us?
You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?
Track one, side one, the
hemispheresalbum by rush.
Do yourself a favour and download
it. Delete one of your dido tracks.
-I don't follow you.
-Let me put it in plain English.
I don't dance to dido, dude.
I know there was a lot of d's in
there, before you say anything.
Well, you don't
dance to dido, do you?
You just did it as well.
Tommy, I don't know why
we're arguing. Hear me out.
Hartwood country club. Automatic
membership for Langley employees.
Flex and stretch
fitness centre, ditto.
Private medical
insurance. Bupa? No, no.
Bupa healthcare select one.
Biannual dinner. Last guest speaker?
Huw Edwards, the Welsh newsreader.
After-dinner entertainment? Uri
geller. Tommy, he bent my fruit fork.
The guy hardly touched it.
The next day we
all went go-karting.
You went go-karting with
huw Edwards and uri geller?
Yeah, with uri geller.
Huw had to go
because of the news.
You see, once again, dude,
contrary to your intention,
you've only reinforced my opinion
that you are a complete and utter c...
Mr Langley, that's
your twelve o'clock.
Oh, sorry.
Unt.
You know, you need
balls to work at Langley's.
Tommy, you've got
a great pair of balls.
What do you say?
Have you heard of Aristotle?
-'Arry who?
-Aristotle.
-'Arry who?
-Fuck off.
Aristotle said, "what it lies in our power
to do, it lies in our power not to do."
Eh?
-What you doing?
-What, so it's finished?
Did you think I was
going to the toilet?
You didn't say bye, so...
Good god, man, there's a finality
to what I said, did you not get that?
Sorry.
See you.
Don't say "see you". Jesus!
Yeah, they're going
to refund the fine
and, as an approved trader, I
will be exempt from clamping.
Yeah, it's always best to
stand up for yourself, innit?
Yeah, don't take any nonsense,
that's what I always say, yeah.
Really?
I could have sworn you said it
was best not to take them on.
Something about David
and Goliath and the Bible.
How come you've started talking
about the Bible, tommy, love?
When did you get
all churchy, babes?
I'm not, but it doesn't hurt to have a
rudimentary knowledge of the belief system
that's underpinned western
civilization for the last 2,000 years.
Blimey, somebody's swallowed
the dictionary today, eh, Raymond?
When I was at warburton's, a
friend of mine actually swallowed...
Most people have a basic grasp
of the old and new testaments.
Oh, hang on, now. If it's 2,000
years old, it's not exactly new, is it?
Touche, Tommy babes.
You have to get up pretty early
in the morning to catch me out.
Yeah, well, you see, Vicky,
a primary-school level of education
on the subject would have let you know
that David actually
wins the fucking fight.
Catch you later.
[Crash]
Watch out for the
hat stand, Tommy.
Tommy: Raymond!
So I just left that corporate
ball-sack Langley to chew on it
-and I gunned the kangoo out of town.
-Oh, babes.
Wish I could have seen you.
Yeah, I was flying.
Yeah, I think Edmund
Burke nailed it when he said,
"all that's necessary for evil to
triumph is for good men to do nothing."
Hmm.
In other words, all you need for
the arse wipes to score three cherries
is for Johnny regular to
park his butt and whistle.
Probably better the way
Edmund Burke said it.
Bloody hell, it's not
coming back, is it?
Eh...
Probably not, no.
Has that ever happened before?
Not really. Er... Yeah.
-Second time in two days.
-Second time in two days, yeah.
Yeah...
Who fancies a trip to
the magic lantern cinema
to see the director's cut
of 2001: A space odyssey?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's the director's cut.
Apparently, it's a bit
longer in the middle.
I'm just curious to see how
that is physically possible.
Let all the tension go out of your
body, all the stress draining away.
[Watch beeps]
You're visualising
yourself as a tree.
What kind of tree
are you, Simon?
-Simon: Um, an oak tree.
-Saxondale: Redwood.
Great, big oak.
A great big oak?
Simon: A sycamore. No, an ash.
Saxondale: [Whispering]
Giant redwood.
Simon: A redwood.
Alistair: And that's the
biggest tree in the forest, isn't it?
Simon: Yes, yes,
it's really high.
-Simon: Very high, I can see for miles.
-Saxondale: It's a tree.
Alistair: Can you
see any people?
Simon: Yeah. There are
people walking on the ground.
-What do they look like?
-[Whispering] Ants. Ants.
-Simon: They look like ants.
-How did I know that?
The people like you, don't
they? They like the giant tree.
Simon: Yeah, they do, they're
walking around me, smiling.
Alistair: How does
that make you feel?
Simon: Um, I feel really good.
Yeah, really happy.
-It feels good, doesn't it?
-Simon: Yeah, it does.
Alistair: In the peace and quiet of
the forest, making people happy.
Simon: Yeah. Yes, it does.
I think so.
The people are making me angry.
I just want to lift up my great
big legs and stamp on them.
[Watch beeps]
Stamp on them, and
keep stamping on them.
-It's okay, Simon, it's okay.
-Simon: Squash them.
Thank you for that.
Why don't you just go and take a moment,
maybe get yourself a glass of water?
-Simon: Make a cup of tea.
-Alistair: Well done.
Tommy, I couldn't help noticing that
you were a bit distracted during that.
Do you not feel you're
engaging with this exercise?
I'd like to posit the notion
that some of these exercises
may be a waste of time.
What makes you say that?
-[Simon wails]
-[Glass shatters]
A hunch.
[Theme music playing]
Is there something I'm
not getting here, mate?
You, organosolve, have
newly acquired this land,
which means you control
the clamping company,
but you're telling me you can't remove
this ankle bracelet from my kangoo?
I know, it's annoying, isn't it?
I got the old merc sl
clamped in town last month.
Had to put a few extra
hours in to pay it off.
Here's me telling the wife I'm working
late again, for once, it's actually true.
[Laughs]
I mean I'd love to get the
clamp off your kangaroo.
-It's a kangoo.
-Kangaroo?
-Kangoo.
-Kangaroo?
Kangoo!
Kangaroo? No, I'm only winding
you up, mate, I heard you the first time.
Yeah, yeah, I know you were.
I mean, no one likes clamping, but, well,
you've got to have rules and regulations.
Sadly, some of us
have to enforce them.
Yeah, the Nazis said exactly the
same thing at the nuremberg trials.
Word for word. Apart
from the word "clamping".
You know, we're not all motivated by money.
Some of us do things for the common good.
Pigeons round here are a
nuisance. I get rid of them for nothing.
And, in return, I deserve
a free parking space.
No, no, there's no
pigeons round here, mate.
Right.
No pigeons.
Yeah, they must have,
uh, gone somewhere else.
[Pigeon coos]
Ah, see, there.
Ugh.
[Shudders]
Happy?
Yeah.
Raymond.
-[Car horn beeps]
-See you.
-See you.
-Don't say, "see you".
Pain in the bum about
the clamping, Tommy, eh?
Still, lucky about the bird shit, so,
you know, swings and roundabouts.
Hey, Tommy, you know that
company organosolve, yeah?
That's Eric lambert's old
company. He sold out to Langley's.
Took the king's
shilling, did he?
No, I think he got a bit more than
that, Tommy, babes. That's old money.
Oops, I forgot, him and Tommy had a fight,
but we don't talk about that, do we, Tommy?
-Doesn't bother me in the slightest.
-You had a proper fight?
-It wasn't really a fight.
-No, it wasn't exactly gladiator.
Just a little bit of shouting and pushing,
yeah? It's like the old saying goes,
"a lot of sound and fury,
but nothing going on, really."
-"Signifying nothing."
-Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying.
-We wasn't gonna have to call in the riot squad.
-No, you weren't.
No, there was no need.
A quick smack on the legs for the pair of
them, eh, Raymond? Early to bed, no supper.
No, I'm being grammatical,
it's "weren't" not "wasn't".
All right, all right. I "weren't"
going to call in the riot squad.
No, that would be "wasn't".
Oh, make your mind
up, Tommy, love, eh?
Well, anyway, look.
You don't want to mess with Langley's,
they're a very big company, yeah.
-It would be like Damien and Goliath.
-That's David and Goliath.
It's from a book
called the Bible.
The Bible, tommy, yeah?
I'm afraid I don't want to be
sitting around all day reading a book
about an old man with
grey hair and a beard.
No, I'm not looking at
you, Tommy, pet, no.
Look at his little face, he
thought I was talking about him.
-No, I didn't.
-No, Tommy, because you're not god, no.
I bet he wishes he
was god, though, yeah?
Sitting up there on a big, fat cloud,
telling people off for not talking proper.
Properly. Properly.
I know, Tommy, I'm just
teasing. Sorry, darling, I'm sorry.
Look, I would of told yous about
them people what clamped yous, but,
I weren't to know they
were coming, were I?
Raymond: So, the guy
you had that fight with...
If he sold his company to
Langley's, is he, like, rich now?
Oh, yeah, turned
his life around.
He's got everything
he ever dreamed of.
Married a boots beautician,
dimmer switches in his house,
membership of the Sunday
timeswine club, decking in his garden.
There was a rumour he's
even got a water feature.
Wow, eh? So why don't
you sell your company?
Been there. A multinational dangled the
fiscal carrot, but then I saw the small print.
It said, "in accordance
with presentation policy,
"all employees must
be clean-shaven."
I said, "the day they take a
philishave to the face fungus
"is the day I hit the
catwalk wearing hot pants,
"bikini waxed for the occasion."
The room was in total silence.
Oh, look, there's another one of
those organosolve vans by the hi-fi shop.
There's so many of them.
Yeah, they're like boy
bands in the dole queue.
Organosolve in a hi-fi shop...
Right, we're going
in. Reconnaissance.
I'll act as decoy, you
infiltrate the enemy ranks
and provide some deep
background information.
What, like you want...
-Just have a nosey.
-Okay.
[Inaudible]
You all right there, sir?
-Yeah, just having a mosey.
-Okay.
The 206d's in the window, is that
with the titanium-dome hyper tweeters?
Yeah, that's it. They're
a very successful line.
Those little peaches must
tickle the old flat response to 50k?
-Fifty-five, actually.
-What's the low-frequency corner response at -6db?
Forty hertz.
-Modified motors?
-Faraday rings.
-The advantage being?
-Ultra-low distortion in the lf drivers.
What were the high-frequency
performance results for that unit
with the lumped-parameter
system, give or take a db or two?
You wouldn't measure
high frequency that way.
Your kung fu is good.
So what system have you got?
Just a denon m330
dht on my home cinema.
She's pumping out 120 watts
via bno force for the rear artillery.
I've got wharfedale eights
up front for close combat.
Cracking top end
for the bayonet work.
With that 250 sub
woofer sticking the boot in,
you've got a sound that would
drag your mother from a tea dance
and have her shaking her
money-maker for the hell's angels.
So, are you looking to upgrade?
Er, no, I just came in for
those little plastic cable ties.
Oh, right. Okay.
Yeah, we sell those,
come in packs of two.
Right. I just want one.
Target locked on.
Well, they're £1.
Pound. A pound, a pound,
a pound, a pound, a pound.
Er, yeah, go on.
-Okay, great.
-Actually, um...
Yeah, go on, yeah.
Yeah? Okay, right, yeah.
I'll just go and grab you one.
Actually, do you know what? I'll just
have a think about it, yeah, cheers.
It doesn't make sense.
I mean, once he's
got rid of the fleas,
how is it he keeps going back?
Hang on, what were
we talking about before?
Uh, you said that Jurassic
park was fine for the punters,
but that, as professionals, we
should regard it as a pack of lies.
No, before that.
Oh, um...
I said that the organosolve
guy's got a box,
and that when he opened
it, I saw a packet of powder.
Powder.
Powder.
[Typing]
Powder.
-Tommy?
-What?
-Who are you talking to?
-Raymond.
Raymond went to bed ages ago.
Darling, you need some
sleep, you're really tired.
No, I'm not.
-Tommy?
-Ah! Fruit flies.
What if he's creating
an infestation himself?
I mean, guarantees repeat work,
but how's he getting them in there?
You know, Tommy, if you were
to adjourn to the bedroom now...
Fleas' eggs. Well, well, well.
I would make it
seriously worth your while.
[Sighs]
Would you now?
Then, in the words of a former member
of the doobie brothers, "yammo be there."
[Coughs]
You all right, mate?
All right.
-Fleas again, is it?
-Yeah.
Just like at the hi-fi shop.
Gather round, people. I
think you might dig this.
Come on, roll up.
You organosolve guys are killing
fleas everywhere, aren't you?
-But they keep coming back.
-Yeah, I suppose.
Yeah, well maybe they keep
coming back because you
artificially create the infestation
with a regular top-up of this.
Fleas' eggs.
-Glucose powder.
-Fleas' eggs.
No, it's glucose powder. I
have to carry it around with me.
In case I have a hypoglycaemic episode, it's
injectable, raises my blood-sugar level.
I've got a leaflet
if you want to...
What, like a bar of Kendal mint
cake wouldn't be just as effective?
Why is he gonna be carrying
fleas' eggs in his diabetes kit?
He's not, I know he's diabetic.
It's not what I'm talking
about, move on, for god's sake.
So what is your problem?
Just saying that Kendal mint cake is
just as effective in raising blood sugar,
but oh, no, that wouldn't do, because
if you had to be eating some mint cake,
you might have to share it out.
I think you've made
a big mistake, mate.
What, like none of you
have ever dropped a bollock?
I'm sure there's people
there looking at me thinking,
"he looks like a right
dick", but I'll tell you what,
if you were infantile enough to say
that out loud, I'd come right back at you.
I'd just say... I wouldn't say
anything, I'd just give you a look.
I'd just go, "phner".
Raymond.
-See ya.
-Don't say "see ya."
Dj: And now on radio four,
some straight-talking essex-style,
as Tony Parsons takes
political correctness to task
in, "I know I shouldn't
say this but..."
[Switches off radio]
I'm worried about you, babes.
You're just not yourself.
It's humbling, it really is.
I think I know how McCartney felt
when he released the frog chorus.
Never mind. Why don't you
go and take the falcon out?
You always feel better after you fly
the falcon, it really calms you down.
You could take Raymond with you.
Yeah, good call.
Slam dunk. Let's do it.
-All right?
-All right.
-What's occurring?
-Just going to go for a quiet walk somewhere,
you know, shoot my air pistol.
Bloody hell! Well,
you could do that,
or we could stop by my mate
Phil's house and pick up a falcon.
You've got a falcon?
Half share. Phil uses it
for live predatory response,
flies it round football stadiums, shopping
centres, scares off the other birds.
Pitting beast against beast.
One of magz' favourite pastimes.
-Sorry?
-It doesn't matter.
You'd really enjoy it, Raymond,
and it would cheer you up as well.
You know, I know Tommy comes across as a
guy who doesn't take any shit from anyone,
but he's actually got
a really sensitive side.
He was a mess when Diana died.
Yeah, I don't know
what that was about.
Weeping like a baby he was.
Yeah, all right, I
lit a fucking candle.
Do you want a nachos?
Oh, yeah, thanks.
[Saxondale sighs]
-"Turning and turning in the widening gyre."
-Is that from a poem?
And then some, dude.
Where did that come from?
I don't know, there's
something about falconry that
gets you thinking on a
very profound level, yeah.
That's the thing about falcons, they can
be trained, but they can never be tamed.
It's like it represents a
primal urge for freedom.
Like a spiritual yearning.
It's only a fucking bird.
[Car ignition]
Come on, I'll take you to
go and shoot your pop gun.
Not bad.
That can of low-alcohol
kaliber lager on the right...
-[Southern American accent]
-Sure has a purdy mouth.
The calibration's out.
[Grunts]
You don't believe me, do you?
Mind if I have a go of yours?
Er, no.
Can I have a go with your rifle?
Well, it's got a
customised grip, uh,
so I'd love to let you have a
go of it, but it would be illegal.
Oh!
Come on, vin diesel.
Saxondale: The
fast and the furious.
Raymond: But what
I don't understand is,
you get rid of the fleas
once, twice maybe, you know,
but he's been back
five times in four months.
When I was talking
to him at the hi-fi shop
he was telling me that once
a month the fleas come back.
Dude, dude, dude, sometimes
you've just got to let things go.
I mean, I learnt
that with my divorce.
And, apart from a very small
scar above my left eyebrow,
sustained by a blow from a teflon-coated
wok, the whole thing's history.
Oh, I know, but he was talking about
the men and I said, "well why don't the men
"complain about the fleas?" And he said,
"oh, you know women, always complaining."
-Which I thought was a bit unfair.
-Hang on.
The only people who complained
about flea bites were women?
Yeah.
[Tyres squeal]
There were no fleas.
-There were no fleas.
-There were no fleas.
It was a lie. Reds under the
bed, weapons of mass destruction.
The eagles' farewell tour.
All lies.
Raymond: Shit,
shit, shit. Got it!
Saxondale: Hey,
you got it, great.
He's tailing us, his glucose
powder must be kicking in.
Tommy, I don't get
it. What's happening?
Only women wear nylon
tights and stockings.
Though there was a trucker I once knew
who kept a pair of cotton-gusset tights
in his glove box, asked
me to keep quiet about it.
Said they'd been used
in an armed robbery.
Yeah, but what's women
wearing tights got to do with fleas?
Because when women walk on a
nylon carpet, it creates a static charge
that attracts tiny carpet
fibres that stick in the leg.
They scratch it, a lump
comes up. Just like a flea bite.
The organosolve guy is just spraying
plain water to dampen down the static.
There's no fleas.
Oh, so simple a child
could understand it.
A gifted child.
The important thing is to keep it in
perspective, you know, be humble in victory.
But just as Richard Nixon fell on
the sword of truth that was Watergate,
so will Bernard Langley reach his
Nemesis among the imaginary fleas
in the sevenoaks
audio hi-fi shop.
These people are deceitful, they are morally
bankrupt, and they will reap a whirlwind.
Oh! Sorry.
Quite big glasses.
Are you familiar with the
term "delusory parasitosis"?
-Yes, it means imagining insects that aren't there.
-Then let me enlighten you.
It's imagining insects
that aren't there.
I think that's what I just said.
Right, well we're
on the same page.
Just remind me again, when you spray fleas,
the stuff you put in here, what exactly is it?
Chemical compound.
Oh, right, and how
would you describe it?
-What's the word, what's the word?
-Toxic.
No, Raymond, just
sit down will you?
Highly poisonous.
Yeah, right.
Well, it can't be any worse
than the rhubarb schnapps
Bonnie Tyler forced down
my throat in dusseldorf.
"Prosit", that's what they say.
Argh!
[Chokes and gurgles]
Please, please...
I'm not dying, that
was just some acting.
It was good.
Yeah.
No, in here, mate, there's nothing
more harmful than good old h2o.
Maybe a little residue
of washing up liquid.
Well, you can't prove that flask
belongs to one of my operatives.
That flask belongs to me.
Okay, that probably
constitutes proof.
Same old, same old, eh?
The global corporate
bully sticking the jackboot
into the defenceless,
ginger-haired boy of humanity.
Come on, Tommy, we
know how this game works.
If a woman's
complaining about fleas,
it's easier just to spray the place
with water and tell her they've gone.
You try telling a woman she's
imagining things, all you get is that...
[Imitates annoying voice]
I find that offensive
and sexist.
A very small percentage
of women are nags.
Don't tar them all
with the same brush.
Well, what's it to you, anyway?
Who are you in all of this?
Just a guy trying to make
a difference. That's all.
And can I get a refund for the
clamping fine on my Renault kangoo.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
I can't help it, I like you. I
like your style, I like your spirit.
Look, face it, mate, we're
practically the only game in town.
Do yourself a favour,
come and work for us.
"The glittering prizes
and endless compromises
"shatter the
illusion of integrity."
So do you want to
come and work for us?
You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?
Track one, side one, the
hemispheresalbum by rush.
Do yourself a favour and download
it. Delete one of your dido tracks.
-I don't follow you.
-Let me put it in plain English.
I don't dance to dido, dude.
I know there was a lot of d's in
there, before you say anything.
Well, you don't
dance to dido, do you?
You just did it as well.
Tommy, I don't know why
we're arguing. Hear me out.
Hartwood country club. Automatic
membership for Langley employees.
Flex and stretch
fitness centre, ditto.
Private medical
insurance. Bupa? No, no.
Bupa healthcare select one.
Biannual dinner. Last guest speaker?
Huw Edwards, the Welsh newsreader.
After-dinner entertainment? Uri
geller. Tommy, he bent my fruit fork.
The guy hardly touched it.
The next day we
all went go-karting.
You went go-karting with
huw Edwards and uri geller?
Yeah, with uri geller.
Huw had to go
because of the news.
You see, once again, dude,
contrary to your intention,
you've only reinforced my opinion
that you are a complete and utter c...
Mr Langley, that's
your twelve o'clock.
Oh, sorry.
Unt.
You know, you need
balls to work at Langley's.
Tommy, you've got
a great pair of balls.
What do you say?
Have you heard of Aristotle?
-'Arry who?
-Aristotle.
-'Arry who?
-Fuck off.
Aristotle said, "what it lies in our power
to do, it lies in our power not to do."
Eh?
-What you doing?
-What, so it's finished?
Did you think I was
going to the toilet?
You didn't say bye, so...
Good god, man, there's a finality
to what I said, did you not get that?
Sorry.
See you.
Don't say "see you". Jesus!
Yeah, they're going
to refund the fine
and, as an approved trader, I
will be exempt from clamping.
Yeah, it's always best to
stand up for yourself, innit?
Yeah, don't take any nonsense,
that's what I always say, yeah.
Really?
I could have sworn you said it
was best not to take them on.
Something about David
and Goliath and the Bible.
How come you've started talking
about the Bible, tommy, love?
When did you get
all churchy, babes?
I'm not, but it doesn't hurt to have a
rudimentary knowledge of the belief system
that's underpinned western
civilization for the last 2,000 years.
Blimey, somebody's swallowed
the dictionary today, eh, Raymond?
When I was at warburton's, a
friend of mine actually swallowed...
Most people have a basic grasp
of the old and new testaments.
Oh, hang on, now. If it's 2,000
years old, it's not exactly new, is it?
Touche, Tommy babes.
You have to get up pretty early
in the morning to catch me out.
Yeah, well, you see, Vicky,
a primary-school level of education
on the subject would have let you know
that David actually
wins the fucking fight.
Catch you later.
[Crash]
Watch out for the
hat stand, Tommy.
Tommy: Raymond!
So I just left that corporate
ball-sack Langley to chew on it
-and I gunned the kangoo out of town.
-Oh, babes.
Wish I could have seen you.
Yeah, I was flying.
Yeah, I think Edmund
Burke nailed it when he said,
"all that's necessary for evil to
triumph is for good men to do nothing."
Hmm.
In other words, all you need for
the arse wipes to score three cherries
is for Johnny regular to
park his butt and whistle.
Probably better the way
Edmund Burke said it.
Bloody hell, it's not
coming back, is it?
Eh...
Probably not, no.
Has that ever happened before?
Not really. Er... Yeah.
-Second time in two days.
-Second time in two days, yeah.
Yeah...
Who fancies a trip to
the magic lantern cinema
to see the director's cut
of 2001: A space odyssey?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's the director's cut.
Apparently, it's a bit
longer in the middle.
I'm just curious to see how
that is physically possible.