Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

You have no objectivity, no sense
of self-awareness, like alistair said...

You can say what you like, yeah,

but if someone has a pop at me,
then they're gonna get it big time.

At the end of the day,
I'm entitled to my opinion.

Yeah, except it's
not your opinion, is it?

It's someone else's
opinion that you're repeating.

It's a platitude.

That's a big word,
like "trampoline."

Alistair, I think we should
stream these classes.

Some people are holding us back.

Some people on
that side of the room.



Tommy, you know that
we don't discriminate

between those of us who are better
able to articulate our feelings and the...

Thick bastards who only pick
up a book if it's to lob at someone.

Now, that's not a very
helpful way of putting it.

What about two classes? One for
people who can string a sentence together

and another for, er,
uh, you know. This lot.

Who'd be happy with, "the dog
bit the cat. The cat was depressed."

[Chuckling] Now go home, try not to shout
at your mother or lick the plug sockets.

Ow!

[Theme music playing]

Always keep your weapon pointed
down until you're ready to engage.

Once you've got a visual, make
sure the background is absorbent.

The pellet will pass
through a soft target.

No point taking
out rav the terrorist



if you're then gonna put a
hole in the fuselage of a 747.

-Capisce?
-Do you mean if, um...

-You're gonna shoot a pigeon.
-Make sure that it's standing in front of...

A box of walkers crisps.

Precisely. See? You're a lot
smarter than you think you are.

-[Gun firing]
-[Wings fluttering]

Sorry.

[Sighing] It's all right.

It's all right, they'll regroup.

Did I ever tell you about the time I shared
a chillum with the sensational Alex Harvey?

-He, uh, punched a cat for staring at him.
-What's he doing?

Staggering.

Stay back.

I'll handle this.

You've not been dating
my ex-wife, have you?

[Laughing and miming
falling noise] I didn't, obviously.

Still here.

Crap job,

bad investments, wife left me.

Yeah.

Cumulative. Yeah.

Then, just yesterday, I found out
my conservatory has to be dismantled.

Who said that?

English heritage.

Bastards!

They said it's "architecturally
unsympathetic to the surrounding area."

Oh, they're bastards!
Just bastards!

Have you seen the
film it's a wonderful life?

I've seen a man
jump in front of a train.

I reckon if 75% of the people who are
thinking of shuffling off this mortal coil

saw that film, they
would change their mind.

25% would think it
was shit and, you know,

set the sat nav for Clifton
suspension bridge, but, um...

I'm Tommy, by the way.

-Martin.
-There we go.

Do you, uh, have a job, or...

Yeah.

I'm a food artist.

You know those pictures
on food packaging that look

completely different
from the food inside?

Yeah...

Well, I tell you, you fooled me!

Only the other week, I
bought a steak and kidney pie.

Lovely golden brown on the picture.
Took it out and it was battleship grey.

-How do you make it look so good on the...
-You paint it.

-You? Eh? What?
-We paint it.

You paint the food?

Yeah.

Well, you provide a valuable
service. You know, you're...

Martin: Painting
grey food brown.

You're painting grey food brown.

God, that is depressing.

Hey, hey, hey.

Are you religious at all?

-Not in any sense most people would recognise.
-How d'you mean?

I don't lack an
awareness of spirituality,

but I am aware of the utter
lack of the spiritual in this realm.

My mother said that.

Oh, you've gotta love
your old mum, eh?

[Laughing] The things
they come out with!

Yeah, I'm not a believer myself,

but I do love the way christians

say that they can
see god in a dewdrop

or the laughter lines in the
smile on an old lady's face.

Or the dimples in the backside
of a 16-stone German dominatrix.

The last one's mine.
Christians don't say that.

[Gun firing]

Tommy, I got him, but
I think he's still alive.

-Don't let it suffer.
-[Gun firing repeatedly]

Right, pop it in a carrier bag.

Oh, god, no, please! Malcolm!

-It's Martin.
-Yeah, Martin!

Oh, bloody hell!
I thought you'd...

-Suicide.
-Yeah, suicided yourself.

No, me and my little trolley dollies
are taking you out shopping. Yeah.

No. I'm gonna get you
in a little... just a minute.

I'm gonna get you in a little spangly
crop top, yeah? Little lycra miniskirt.

I'm thinking canary
yellow, yeah?

And then a cheeky little thong,
just peeking out the top. Yeah.

Yeah, no, 'cause you wanna play hard
to get. Yeah. Yeah. Sweetheart, no, no.

It's your special day.

Yeah. Not every day you
become a grandma, is it?

[Laughing] Yeah, all
right, darling. Right.

Tommy, babes, how's
your old bum for love bites?

Have you got those
new respirators in?

Tommy, babes, there's some fella
moochin' about around your Van out there.

Yeah, it's all right, he's
with me. I'm giving him a lift.

Have you seen his face? Has
he been sucking on a lemon?

-He's depressed.
-Depressed? I'm not surprised.

Who cut his hair?
The council? [Laughing]

He's actually having
a pretty bad time.

Oh, bless. Someone died?

-No.
-No? Then why's his trousers flying at half-mast?

[Both laughing]

No, Tommy, um, stopped
him jumping off a building.

It was amazing.
Talked him out of it.

-Saved his life.
-Oh, did you? Yeah.

Well, Tommy, babes,

you should've just sent him out with me
and my little trolley dollies from easyjet.

Yeah, we're hitting the karaoke.

I tell you what, you cannot
be slashing your wrists

and belting out sweet Caroline
all at the same time, can you?

It's a bit more
complicated than that.

I was trying to tell the guy...

You wanna tell him to put some jam on his
shoes and invite his trousers down for tea!

[Giggling]

Have you got the respirators?

-No, babes, I think they're still in the storeroom.
-Right...

No, don't worry, no. I'll
go and get them, yeah?

Hold your horses, I'll be right back.
I'll bet you could do with a respirator,

eh, Raymond, yeah, stuck in
that little Van with Tommy all day?

Especially after he's had one
of his old Thai chicken wraps.

Oh, excuse me! Yeah? No, we shouldn't,
really, should we? Oh, bless, eh?

Ever thought about
killing yourself?

Not since Vicky left the room.

She's outside talking to Martin.

Oh, Jesus. Defcon 1, dude.

Saxondale: I hope Vicky
didn't upset you too much.

Martin: Oh, no, no.
She seems very nice.

Nah, you'll be all right.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks for everything
you've done for me.

But I don't really see how a
pest controller can help me.

Y'know, these demons
in your head are just pests

taking a dump on
your mental carpet.

And I'm gonna show 'em the door.

I'll force-feed them a
blood-thinning anticoagulant

of good vibes until your dark
thoughts die screaming in agony

in your head.

In a good way.

Oh, in a good way.

Oi, you! 24/7.

Are you sure?

If it's the middle of the
night and I'm fast asleep,

I want you to shin up the drainpipe,
hammer on me window and say, "oi, Tommy,

"those bloomin' badgers of
depression are burrowing into me head.

"Can you gas them?"

Gas them?

Yeah, yeah, to get rid of them.

Now hop it, you daft ape,
before I do you in myself!

-Hey, Tommy.
-Eh?

I haven't seen you cruising for a
couple of days. She playing up, then?

-Pardon?
-I was just...

I haven't seen you rollin' for a day or
two. Old lady not playing the game?

Pardon?

I haven't seen you driving your
yellow car for a couple of days.

-Is it not working properly?
-Oh, my boss 351 mustang? No, it's fine.

Oh, good. Good. Great.

I do love it.

It's, uh, a great ballsy
bloody machine, isn't it?

Yeah. How's your, uh,
graphite grey Audi a6...

-Oh, yeah...
-S?

Spends most of its time in
the airport long-stay these days.

I don't get much of a
chance to spank her.

-Oh, yeah.
-All right, Tommy, good to catch up.

Glad all is good in
the wheels department.

Yeah.

[Snapping fingers] Oh!

I remember.

A couple of the guys on the
committee have been having a whinge

about your wheels being
on the curb, blah blah blah.

Apparently, it narrows the pavement
by a couple of mil. Oh, this is...

I told 'em straight
up, "all right, just...

"I'll have a word with him, let
him know. All right? Back off." So...

Yeah, I've been meaning to shift
it, but I've had a bit of a day of it.

Stopped a guy
from killing himself.

Oh? Really? Wow. Heavy.

Anyway most people aren't gonna
be home for another hour or so yet

so you've got a
little bit of time to kill.

Any complaints about any other cars
with their wheels slightly on the curb?

-I don't think it's because it's big and yellow.
-Isn't it?

-They probably notice it a bit more.
-Do they?

Probably.

-Yeah...
-I told them, I said, "it is a classic!"

But they were all,
"oh, it's just too wide!"

-Well, I've got a wide woman. I need a wide car.
-[Laughing] She is, er...

Makes sense.

If we move it now, I think we can
probably avoid all that lot giving it...

Well, as I say, I'm gonna nip in
the house, kick back for a while

after my taxing day spent
preventing a man from killing himself.

-And then I'll shift it. Sound like a plan?
-It's... hell, yes!

-[Sighing] And they really do not make 'em like that...
-[Door slamming]

Any... more...

-[Doorbell ringing]
-No, no, come right on in.

Magz, this is Martin, the
sad man from the roof.

-Oh!
-Magz.

-Hello!
-My better half. Or my better two thirds.

-Magz runs a shop...
-[Both] Smash the system.

In the westgate centre,
next to Clinton cards.

She gets quite a few people going in
wanting to sort out their spiritual mojo.

Oh, yeah, I'm always getting
people in looking for answers.

Yeah, and the answer
is there are no answers.

That'd be quite a good
slogan on a t-shirt, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Go down very well with that
emo crowd, wouldn't it? You know.

White on black. Suitably gloomy.

-Or black on black!
-[Saxondale laughing]

-You wouldn't be able to read it then.
-Yeah, I know that.

Just joking.

I think you've gotta be
open-minded about this sort of stuff.

You know, we do a lot of
things which help people, like...

Tarot cards,
crystals, amulets...

Or she'll just sell you a
chubby little wind-up cock,

you know, that walks
across the table.

I'm just, um...

Sorting through some vinyl in the
garage, if you wanna give us a hand.

Erm...

Take your mind off the old
bottomless pit of despair?

"Martin, where are
you?" "I'm down here!"

-Oh, go on, you!
-I'm only mucking about. Follow me, come on.

Watch the cat. [Meowing]

Voila labatcave.

That's French for "the batcave."

I should listen to more music.

Yeah. Always a tonic.

-Oh, Nick Drake.
-Yeah. You don't want that.

What you need to do is...

Take this down to tower records.

It's a prescription for

the doughnut in granny's greenhouse
by the bonzo dog doo-dah band.

Take that thrice daily till
temptation to top subsides.

Harrumph!

Oh, what's this?

Oh, a gentleman's pamphletry
for repose and relaxation.

Yeah, I've been meaning
to clear it out, actually.

That's mid-'80s.

How do you know it's mid-'80s?

Er, well, if the hairstyle's bigger
than the head, it's '81 to '87.

Blue eye shadow, leg
warmers, same goes.

Generally speaking, if the
hair's less coiffured, it's earlier.

But in all departments, if the chick
looks like she's got a ferret on her lap,

it's '70 to '76.

Reach for the pies?

Oh, yeah. You've tapped
into a rich seam there, dude.

I'm a connoisseur
of the larger lady.

[Clears throat]

Nah, it's just
run-of-the-mill stuff, really.

Caution: Wide
load, fun by the ton,

where's the beef? Yeah, just...

Oh, what's this one?

That's surplus to requirements.

Oh. Shall I put it in the bin?

No, no, that's the title
of the magazine. Yeah.

You're gonna be all right, yeah?

Yeah. So, it's okay to call you?

24/7?

You got it.

Subject to the usual whims
of, er, y'know, work, etc.

And if I don't pick up, it doesn't
mean I'm screening me calls, right?

Don't think, "Tommy's seen me name
come up and he doesn't wanna hear me

"droning on and on re: Suicide."

I won't.

And it's okay to
call at the house?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Great.

See ya!

You're not just saying that?

-No! No, no.
-Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[Tyres screech]

Planet earth'son after this.
I love nature programmes.

The ones with the monkeys picking
the bugs off each other. They're so cute!

Yeah, I saw one a couple of weeks
ago. There was a colony of chimpanzees.

Oh, the chimps are fantastic!

And they selected one of their
group and battered it to death.

What for?

The scientists reckoned it
was for the sheer thrill of it.

Biologically speaking, we're
the closest thing to chimpanzees.

Still cute when they pick the
bugs off each other, though, isn't it?

When they're not being psychos,
they're probably having a high old time.

Naked, always cracking
one out in full view,

taking a dump
wherever they like.

Hang on, that was a guitar
tech on the nazareth tour.

Full body hair coverage.
I remember saying,

"somebody is not doing a
proper head count at whipsnade."

Did you see that one about the
dolphins? They are amazing, right?

They can actually rescue people
sometimes, and they can actually talk...

Martin: Dolphins are remarkable.

An audible communication
system, seeming affinity with humans,

and, apparently, in male
groups they're capable of rape.

-Who wants some arctic roll?
-Me, please.

-Yes, please.
-Coming right up.

Martin?

Erm, yes, I think I can
manage a helping, thank you.

And cream, lovingly extracted
from Devonshire's plumpest cows?

Well, is it?

Or is it made by a multinational
company which exploits the poor?

And the picture on the carton
isn't cream. White paint shot...

It's made by monsters who eat
babies and it tastes fucking great.

We're having some.
Do you want some?

-Yes, please.
-Yeah.

Well, when my dad retired,

do you know what they gave
him after 40 years loyal service?

A crummy watch.

And for what?

So he could count the two years he
had left before he died of asbestosis.

And people still expect
me to go around singing

[singing] ♪ happiness,
happiness... ♪

happiness, the greatest
gift that I possess.

I thank the lord that
I've been blessed

with more than my
share of happiness.

Well, it's good to get
your spirits up and, um...

Sorry, you were telling me about your
dad, who works in an asbestos factory.

How's he keeping?

You'd, erm, probably prefer it
if I didn't call again, I suppose.

I didn't say that.
Did I say that?

-Well, not in so many words.
-No. Right, well then, so...

Although I do think it'd be good
if you talked to other people.

Y'know, no man is an
island, and it's amazing

what a group of people can
do when they get together.

What, like the
Jonestown massacre?

I was thinking more like
jumbo pancake bake-a-thons.

Just, you know, if...

I think we probably will be out
quite a lot over the next few...

Months, but if you can
catch us in, do do, dude.

[Doorbell ringing]

Erm... ahhh!

Just popping out.

-Boo.
-Hey!

Sorry. Just trying to
lighten up, like you said.

No, no, no. Yeah,
spot-on. Yeah, you... Tit.

Get in there. I'll
put the kettle on.

So, er, how's that
old noggin of yours?

Mmm... not good.

-Oh, dear.
-Very morbid thoughts occurring regularly.

Oh, it's a bloomin'
nuisance, it really is.

No, what you wanna
do is... Holy shit!

You'd make a cracking stalker. Deer stalker.
You could sneak up and strangle them.

It'd make a good
hobby for you, that.

Not the strangling.
Have a sultana slice.

Magz makes them. Yeah, angel in
an apron, alley cat in the bedroom!

No, you know
what, that's personal.

I shouldn't talk about...
She's a very good painter.

Have you seen her picture of
Joan of arc? It's through here.

Oh, that's a
horrible way to die.

Yeah, well, it's such an
inherently tragic story,

I think magz has tried to, you
know, restore a degree of optimism

to the subject by, you know,

making her topless.

She's nice to look at.

Yeah. I think a lot of
religions fall down, don't they,

by being a bit
po-faced. You know?

I mean, are you trying
to tell me that Jesus

didn't break the tension at the last
supper by getting a napkin and a fork

and going... whoa! Whoa!

Or Judas didn't get an unleavened
bread roll in the back of the head?

"Hey, who did that?
As if I need to ask."

It would've been Jesus.

-Yeah, yeah, precisely.
-Before he was beaten, tortured and bled to death...

Betrayed by the man who fed him.

Right, well, if you
ever wanna, y'know,

e-mail or, better still, text,
then that would be great.

No. You don't want me to
call at the house, do you?

-I'm just saying use the technology.
-It's okay.

I understand if you don't
want me to call at the house.

I'm not saying... Any
time. Any time you like.

-Tommy!
-Yes?

Do you really mean that?

[Doorbell ringing]

Is that you in the
kitchen, Tommy?

Holding a sultana slice?

All right, mate, how you doing?

Oh, not good.

Could I come in?

-I don't know what to do.
-Say, "I'm busy at work."

-I'm busy at work.
-No, that doesn't make sense.

-That doesn't make sense.
-No! Don't say that!

Er, can you come back later?

We're, uh, we're just about...
We're watching a film. Yeah.

Oh. Which film are you watching?

-Billy Elliot.
-I'm not watching billyf-ing Elliot!

-You're not really watching it.
-It's not long enough.

-You always say it's too long.
-No, no, the film needs to be longer.

Yeah, we're just trying
to remember. Uh, it's...

Titanic.

Oh, right.

Well, I'll pop back in
about an hour, then.

No, make it three hours. They're
only just leaving southampton.

[Light pop music playing]

See that, Raymond?

Beautiful use of...

A pencil. What is that?

-Is it hb or...
-4b.

4b.

Who are they?

Those three little fillies, Raymond,
will eventually be the bronte sisters.

That's Emily, that's
Charlotte, that's the other one.

All three snuggled up
together having a read.

And why not?

You can see a bit
of Emily's nipple.

Yeah, well, yeah.

If it encourages young people to
pick up a book, then it's all good.

What do you think?

I love it. I bloody love it.

I think you're
definitely gonna capture

the burning desire
that those three

young ladies had to express
themselves in literary form.

Yeah. Mmm.

Do you wanna go to a strip club?

I swear to god, Raymond, this
woman is psychic. We are so in sync.

Sometimes we even...

finish each other's sentences.

God, I love you.

-Were you...
-Sent from heaven? No.

-She did it again.
-You were, my archangel.

No, you were...

My...

Big cherub...

Winched down from heaven.

[Magz sighing]

I'm gonna go and empty the bins.

-Fine.
-Okay.

[Girls singing oops!...I did
it again by Britney Spears]

What the hell's going on here?

Karaoke?

-Isn't that Vicky?
-I don't believe it!

[Singing] ♪ oops
I did it again...

"Oops I did it again?"

Fell asleep on the sunbed?

♪ Oh, baby baby oops
you think I'm in love ♪

what a shame. They've
ruined this place.

Er, large Jim beam, please, and
a snakebite and black for the lady.

[Screaming] Whoo,
Tommy! Hello, Tommy!

Oh, look at you!

I saw you this morning.

Oh, sweetheart! Oh, how
are you, magz, sweetheart?

Are you okay, babes? Yeah?

Tommy, hasn't she got
beautiful teeth? Yeah?

-Oh, darling, mojito for me, sweetheart. Thank you.
-What are you doing here?

Careless whisperand dude looks
like a lady. You know, by aerosmith.

Got any arctic roll?

-[Martin choking]
-Let go!

Just messing about.

-Hell! You nutter!
-Sorry, just having a laugh.

You're right about him.
You've got issues, Tommy!

Oh, Tommy, what are
you like darling? Honestly!

Do you know what, it's you that
should be at the funny farm, hey? No.

No, I've got Martin in for two
weeks at the nut house, yeah.

I said to him, "you're
not coming out

"till you've got a chuckle on
your chops," didn't I, darling?

I said, "he's spent too much time hanging
around with Tommy saxondale!" Didn't I, darling?

That'd be enough to send
anyone doolally, wouldn't it, darling?

Yeah. No disrespect, magz.
Come on sweetheart, let's go.

Oh, wait a minute. There's
something I've got to say.

None of this would have been
possible, none of it, without you know who.

Vicky has been amazing! She
sorted me out with the clinic.

Didn't you? Wouldn't
take no for an answer.

See, she doesn't like
to overcomplicate things.

She's great, isn't she?

-Mmm...
-She is just amazing, isn't she?

Yeah... yes, I said "mmm."

Hey, hey, you might have told
me that me trousers were too short!

I didn't notice, mate.

Sorry, babes, I bloomin' told
him. You know what I said.

Oh, yes, "put some
jam on your shoes."

I said, "put some jam on your shoes,
invite your trousers down for tea."

I'm getting deja vu.

Oh, stop messing
about! Come on, mate.

Better than throwing himself off
the top of a building, though, eh?

Well, the jury's
still out on that.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna have a
chat with my friend mr Jim beam.

Ah...

Karaoke, the last refuge
of the creatively bereft.

A night when the suits can convince
themselves that hooting along

to angelsin the wrong key means
they don't have a sucking void

where their souls are
supposed to be. Pitiful.

[Singing] ♪ on the wings of love

♪ only the two of
us together flying high

-♪ on the wings of love
-[Mouthing] I love you.

♪ On the wings of love

♪ up and above the
clouds the only way to fly

♪ flying high upon

[groaning] ♪ the wings of love ♪