Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
After falling off a ladder and having trouble in the bedroom stakes, Tommy decides to work out at his local gym though the exercise nearly kills him. However,after being given the medical all-clear,he finds an erotic new use for paper suits. Raymond,on the other hand,dumps voracious older divorcee Tina because all she wants from him is sex.
Yeah, well, it's
like if you go nuts,
um, it feels good at the time,
but later it feels worse,
and it's actually better
to try and work it out.
That's good, that's very good.
That's very good.
Anyone else?
Tommy?
Well, anger is like
flatulence, isn't it?
Insofar as it's far better
to let it out in increments
than to let go with
one humongous rattle.
Er... well, yes, yeah,
inasmuch as losing your temper
is about transferring that
anger to those closest to you.
Well, you're farting in the face of
the person you love, aren't you?
If you ask the police, they
will tell you that most murders
are committed by a friend
or relative of the victim.
They take place at home, in
the office, on public transport,
in a lift, in a jacuzzi.
Are we still talking
about murder?
I'll hold my hands up, the last three
examples were specifically farting.
-Right.
-And I speak as both perpetrator and victim.
Well, um, joking apart,
it's not just about
controlling your anger,
it's also about
emotional honesty,
taking responsibility for
when you do have an outburst.
Totally, all the stuff we talk
about in here is a waste of time
if you can't apply
it in the real world.
-Sorry.
-No, do go on, it's good, do go on.
Well, when I leave here, and I
make a mistake... Which I will,
because none of us are perfect.
Thank goodness.
But when I cross that that line, and
it's the people around me who will suffer,
that I at least have
the moral conviction,
-yeah.
-And honesty, and courage,
it takes courage,
to stand up and say,
"I dropped my guts."
Right, I make that 11:01.
[Theme music playing]
[Engine starts]
[Tyres screeching]
So, I thought I heard something
up there, but I'm not sure.
I'd rather leave it to you.
Not a problem. Most likely a
squirrel. Charming little fellows,
but given half a chance, they
will burn down your house.
The cute, cuddly face of arson.
-Oh, my god! Really?
-Unfortunately with rodents,
their teeth never stop growing
so they have to constantly gnaw.
Sooner or later he's going to
start snacking on your cables.
Best off we get him dispatched before
he plugs himself into the national grid.
-'Cause that fine fur goes up like dresden.
-Oh, my god!
Well, you know, I want rid of
it, but I really don't want it killed.
Again, no problem, we have sprung
traps where he or she wanders in,
and is spirited away, and that's one
more struck off the FBI's most wanted list.
Where do you let it go?
The countryside.
Yeah, yeah. It'll be fine.
Glad he's dodged the bullet.
We don't...
Stick him on a Learjet and
send him for questioning in Syria,
if that's what you mean.
The loft hatch is at the top of the
stairs, if you want to come through.
[Inaudible chatter]
Oh, hello, handsome. No, I
wasn't talking to you, Tommy.
Sorry to disappoint you, oh, look at his
face, he thought I was talking about him.
No, I didn't. Any word on the
aggressive magpies at the distillery?
Yeah, but I'm still waiting for your
medical report, Tommy, love, yeah?
You know, I'll chase it up, babes,
but you know as well as I do,
no medical report,
no insurance, yeah?
And I have said to them, I've
said, "he's a very fit guy, yeah?"
I said, "don't judge a book
by its cover", but you know.
Well, if you could
follow that up.
So, Raymond, what are
you up to tonight then?
Yeah? You going over to jumping Jack's
to cop off with some nice young girl, then?
No, no plans.
Oh, now that is criminal. Nice
young hunk like you going to waste.
Oh, look at you, you've got the
whole of your life ahead of you.
You should come out with me
and my mates sometime, yeah?
I could introduce you
to some lovely girls.
How do you know
he's not homosexual?
-Actually, I...
-It's academic.
Well, so what if he
is Tommy, yeah?
I could sort him out
there an' all, yeah?
Bunch of my mates, lovely
fellas who work for easyjet, yeah?
I call them my
little trolley dollies.
-And they call me mother hen.
-I like them already.
How does this sound, right, we line
up the tequilas on the bar, it's you,
it's me, it's the trolley
dollies from easyjet, yeah?
-What could be more fun than that?
-Deep vein thrombosis.
-Honestly, Raymond, you really should meet them, hmm?
-I'm not actually gay.
Yeah, he's not
actually gay, so...
Hang on, why didn't you
say so, why didn't you say?
Because my mate Tina is
coming out with us tonight.
I tell you what, she is so bubbly,
and her divorce is pretty much over,
you know, bar the shouting.
Oh, come on, Raymond,
that's got to be you pretty much
finished for the night, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Well, hop in the car with me then, yeah?
We'll go over to my mate Darren's,
he can lend you a nice little shirt
and a nice little
pair of jeans, yeah?
-Would, er, would that be all right?
-It's your life, dude.
Yeah, all right, why not, yeah?
Well, great. Great. You're
going to have such a laugh.
Wait till you meet Tina,
you are going to wet yourself.
Better tell Darren then, if
you're going to borrow his jeans.
Tommy, love, why don't you take that
magazine with you, I've finished with it.
Yeah, I wasn't actually reading it, I was
just, you know, looking at this De-icer.
-What?
-I was looking at the De-icer on the cover.
That's an afro comb.
-Right, yeah.
-And do you know what though?
Have it, Tommy, I've got no
use for it, yeah. Help yourself.
I have noticed,
sweetheart, that sometimes
you do get a little bit knotted
round the back, don't you?
Get knotted, Tommy, don't
you? Get knotted, Tommy.
Yeah, got you the first time.
Ha-ha! Get knotted, Tommy!
Not getting any funnier, is it?
Oh, doesn't it? I'll try saying
it again, then, see if it does.
-Get knotted, Tommy.
-Right, I'll catch you back at the ranch.
See ya. I don't want
this. I'll put it in the can.
Oh, Tommy babes, I
was only winding you up.
Yeah I know.
[Radio playing]
What are you doing still up?
Been waiting for this
radio show to start.
Woman on radio: And now on
radio four, the third instalment
of Isabel allende's house of the
spirits, read by Zoe wanamaker.
You hate programmes like this.
You're waiting up for Raymond.
[Turns off radio]
He's got to have a social life.
Yeah, but Vicky!
Vicky's coven go to 80s discos.
-So? If that's what they want.
-Yeah, but Raymond's an impressionable lad.
You know, only the other
day I was explaining to him the
inventiveness of
gilmour's chord phrasing
on the monumental
dark side of the moon,
and now he's prancing
round in the lower circle of hell.
To the pet shop boys.
Tina: The limousine driver was going mental,
and I said, "look you got eight girls
"on a hen night, chances are one of
them is gonna puke." It's usually me.
[Laughter]
This is Tina.
-All right.
-Hi, I'm magz, this is Tommy.
Hiya.
-I trust a good time was had?
-Yeah.
-So you work with Vicky?
-She occasionally requires my services
-as a...
-Yeah, I'll see you later.
Which is your room?
Yeah, let's skip the chat,
probably best.
Oh, just having a bit of fun.
-[Tina laughing loudly] - Come on, come to bed.
-What, with that din?
Leave it a couple of minutes, at least
until stormin' Norman lets off the howitzer.
-[Rhythmic muffled banging]
-[Saxondale sighs]
-[Banging]
-[Groaning]
I mean, where does he get the energy
from? He lives on monster munch.
They can last the pace, but, you
know, how much fun are they having?
We've got air bags to
cushion the blows, but...
Neither of those two have got any
meat on them. Look at Raymond.
Morrissey could eat the guy and
not have a stain on his conscience.
While you're here,
I wanted to ask you,
there's apparently an urban fox in the
area and I'm a bit worried about my cats.
I hate the idea of somebody
shooting the fox, I just wondered if...
What you got to do, is you
or we go to chessington zoo
and ask Nick the cat man
to give you some lion's dung.
Pop it in the garden, the fox
thinks there's a big cat in the area,
and they vamoose, toes lively.
I always have a bit of a joke with Nick.
I say, "I'm not taking any shit off you!
"All right, just this once."
The scent will vary in intensity
depending on the big cat's diet.
I employ much the same technique
if I want to keep the bathroom
to myself in the morning.
You know, and like the lion,
it will vary in intensity depending
on the previous night's ingestion.
Yeah.
I like... I like your candles.
-Oh!
-Yeah, very nice, very nice, come on.
It's not normally
like this actually,
I've got my friend Sarah coming round
tonight, she does massage therapy.
That's the business, that is.
You can't beat a good massage.
That's not a crude reference to the old,
you know, happy ending scenario, by the way.
She's a qualified physiotherapist, so
she works strictly on a referral basis.
Oh, that's understandable.
The irony is, nigh on impossible
to get a massage in
a massage parlour!
That's one for the
trades description act!
Technically illegal, of course,
but then so is prostitution.
Hmm.
I could do with a massage.
I should have a word with your
mate, you know a proper one, kosher.
Right, let's see who's won
a trip to the great outdoors.
Where's the big ladder?
The tall one?
Well, I've got that one.
It's fine, I've tried it.
[Ladder creaking]
[Ladder creaking]
[Grunting]
-You all right?
-Yeah, no I'm fine,
I don't want to
climb in, I'm just,
just surveying the environment.
No point in the two of us
being in a confined space.
Oh, god, Tommy,
something's gone wrong.
The squirrel in the cage. It's
dead, it must have got stuck.
Keep your voice down,
just keep your head!
It's just an accident, it's
not the my lai massacre.
Hey, hey.
No, I've gone.
-[Tommy yells] - [Thud]
-You all right, Tommy?
Saxondale: Yeah.
We've got to clean
the crime scene,
otherwise this place
will be crawling with feds.
Oh, yeah. His ticker probably
gave out when the door fell.
It's a shame, but they don't
make defibrillators in his size.
Should we inform the client?
You don't want to
upset the woman.
Mias, kiddo, missing in action.
Everyone in the unit knows they've bought
it but why tell the mothers that, eh?
Give them some hope,
something to cling on to.
Stick it in that tesco bag.
Say it's a rat if she asks. No, a
rodent, that way you're not lying.
If she wants you to be more
specific, just take the fifth.
-Well, I'll probably just say nothing.
-Yeah.
Quick as you like. She's
in the window. All done!
All right, keep calm,
slow it down a little bit.
Right, there we
go, just another job.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
And just pop it in there.
-She seemed nice, though.
-Lovely lady.
A nicer person
you could not meet,
but do not underestimate the
emotive power of a big bushy tail.
If she finds out we've accidentally killed
one of god's fluffy little creatures,
it's going to kick off big time.
How do you know?
Have you seen the cd collection?
Suzanne vega, Tori Amos, alanis morissette.
It's all ashtanga yoga by candlelight,
but when the red mist descends,
duck and cover, dude.
-Duck and cover.
-I like the music, though.
Oh, so do I. Great songwriters,
but come on, girls, let it go.
We've all been dumped.
How's it going
between you and Tina?
-Mmm. Yeah, it's good. It's a giggle.
-Yeah.
Well, we all like a
giggle, in moderation.
When really you want a happy medium between
the intellect of someone like noam chomsky,
linguist and author, and
somebody who thinks it's funny to go,
"listen to this, too good to
miss," da, da, da, da, da, da.
Pop.
Hello, love. Yeah, it's me.
All right, you run along and
I'll catch up with you later.
All right.
No, we're finishing early today
and I'm in the mood for love.
So I know that Raymond and Tina
have got their landing craft on the beach,
but when Tom saxondale and
Margaret neath hit the shingle,
we're going to cut the barbed
wire, take out the sniper posts,
lob a couple of incendiaries
through the observation slots,
and...
Incinerate the fleeing
survivors with a flame-thrower.
Yeah.
No, no, yeah, it's bloody awful.
Yeah, war...
It's brutal and dehumanising.
I'm surprised that bothers
you, frauleinmargaret, eh?
Jawohl!
[Speaking German]
Stiffenzie broom-handle.
Saxondale: Oh, dear.
Ugh, bloody hell.
[Panting]
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
[Panting]
Tommy?
What's that?
-Salad dressing.
-Ah.
Are you all right?
That must have been
eight minutes Max.
-I'm normally just getting the revs up by then.
-Well, what's wrong?
It's that damn
missionary position.
It's not natural. You don't see
anything in nature doing it face-to-face.
Yeah, but it's a
bit more romantic.
You get to see the person
you're making love with.
I see you every day, I
know what you look like.
Okay. Well, do you want
me to go on top for a bit?
Back.
-What about with you kneeling behind me?
-Knee.
All right what about me sitting
on a chair and straddling you?
Chair.
Right.
What about me standing up,
grasping hold of
the banister, right?
Yeah, go on, yeah, I'm with you.
Okay, and then you standing behind
me also, but with your knees a bit bent.
Oh, hang on, because what if
Raymond gets up to go to the toilet?
Oh, yeah.
We could put a bell on his door,
but I think even he'd twig eventually.
Put a bolt on his door.
On the outside?
That's an infringement
of his human rights.
They'd have us up in strasbourg. Why
don't we put him in an orange jumpsuit,
so we can see him coming?
[Yawns] - All right, well,
I'm off to bed, you coming?
I'll be up in a minute, I'm
just going to pop off a Viagra,
put some lead in the old pencil.
All right, I'll be up for a bit.
So will I, eventually.
Okay, we'll start with
10k, see how that feels.
Oh, actually, Tommy, you've got to sit
with your back to the padded support.
Oh, yeah, these
are the new ones.
Okay, you've got 10k on.
It's about the same as a
standard carlsbro monitor wedge.
I used to pack one under each
arm when I was loading the bins.
Oh, emptying rubbish
bins must have kept you fit.
Wheelie bins?
I mean bass bins, I
used to be a roadie.
A monitor wedge is...
How do you think a
band hear themselves
when they're sticking out
120db through the main stack?
What is going on in
schools these days?
Try that.
[Groaning]
-Yeah.
-Okay, well, I'll leave you to get comfortable with that,
and I'll be back in a bit.
Right.
Just whack it up a bit.
Yeah.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
[Chokes]
[Groans]
[Pants]
[Panting]
Finished with that, mate?
Just feeling the burn.
[Grunts]
Here, mate, do you
want your towel?
Yeah, just Chuck it.
Cheers.
And that indicates your
range of motion, so...
Bear with me one sec?
Everything okay?
Yeah, just reading this.
The fire regulations?
Well, there's no point
waiting until there's a fire.
I see the assembly
point is near the gym spa.
So you can treat yourself to a fruit smoothie
while you're waiting for the fire brigade.
[Car horn beeps]
[Car horn beeps again]
[Car horn beeps]
All right, mate, I've got a blind
spot the size of the gobi desert here.
Turning right.
No, no, not gonna happen.
Plan b!
[Tyres screech]
[Car horn beeps]
[Tyres screeching] -
Thanks for your Patience.
-[Car horn beeps]
-Oh, shut up, you tit!
-Saxondale: All right, so you are poised.
-Magz: And then drop down.
Just remember my upper vertebrae is an
al-qaeda cell and your backside's an f16.
Do you have visual?
-Target locked on.
-Deploy.
-[Magz grunts]
-Ahh! Ahh.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, okay. One more pass for a mop-up.
Oh, hurry up, Tommy.
-Hit 'em!
-Ahh.
Ahh... ahh...
Ahh.
Target is reduced.
All units back to base.
Oh, hello, lads, all right?
What can I do you for, eh?
-Any word on those chip shop mice?
-No, nothing yet, sweetheart,
but I'll give them a buzz, yeah?
Oh, that reminds me, Raymond, Friday night
is a retro night at electric whispers, yeah?
-And I want to see you there.
-No, we've already made plans.
I'm going to show Raymond a digitally
remastered version of day of the jackal.
Blimey, your gonna need a laugh
after sitting through dr Jekyll, yeah?
Get yourself down
there, Raymond.
Here, I bet you Tommy's got a
tank top you could borrow, yeah?
A nice red one to go
with his little red knickers.
Eh, Raymond? You know
what I mean, don't you? Yeah?
Raymond, do you want to go
and grab a pew in the kangoo?
Yeah, just sit there
and listen to heart fm.
There's a bag of monster
munch in the glove box. Dig in.
I know what you're up to.
You're trying to get someone on the
inside to feed you back information.
Tommy, sweetheart,
what are you talking about?
You divulged information
about my personal effects,
that can only have come
from a highly placed source.
Tommy, sweetheart,
lighten up, I'm only kidding.
I hardly think that mi5 want to know about
the colour of your little red knickers.
I don't wear little red knickers,
I wear big man's pants.
White ones. You do this to
every one of my assistants.
You brainwash them, you
twist their minds so they become
irritated by me
and then they leave.
What have I done? What?
I've just been sociable.
Being sociable. You, you groom
them until they become part of your cell.
Saxondale: Oh.
[Groans]
Oh, Tommy, darling, are
you all right, love, yeah?
Yeah, I just...
Yeah, it's just my
heart. My heart.
Oh, it's probably just anxiety.
You're hardly having
a heart attack, love,
you're just getting yourself
all wound up like you do.
I'm not anxious.
How would you know?
You're not an expert.
I've known cleverer...
bees. [Groans]
I know, because according to your medical
records you are actually in excellent shape.
Eh?
I know, it's weird, isn't it? But apparently
you've got the heart rate, the blood pressure
and the cholesterol
of a man half your age.
How come you've seen
my medical records?
That's confidential information.
Oh, yeah, well, I know, I
know. I opened it by accident.
I thought it was mine, babes, yeah I didn't
realise it wasn't until I got to that bit
-about the swollen veins around the entrance to the...
-Yeah, all right, okay.
I know, I thought, blimey, these
can't be my medical records
because if I had that, I'd be walking
around like that game. Do you know the one,
that party game where
you have to have the balloon
between your thighs, and
you have to try not to pop it?
That is classified information.
My medical condition is
highly restricted access.
-I imagine it is, babes, yeah.
-Not like that. It's for my eyes only.
Blimey. Can you get
your head round there?
-That is a clever trick if you can do it.
-You...
Tommy. Oh, Tommy,
darling, now, calm down.
Don't get angry. I am only
trying to help here, okay?
I know.
By the way, darling,
will you just please, please, please
take care when you go to the lavatory?
I do take care. I
take a lot of care.
Especially with
your number twos.
I know.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,
darling, come here.
Me and my mates were wondering,
does it come out with a stripe?
Yeah, so apparently,
fit as a fiddle.
So I was wondering...
Yeah.
On the way home I could pick up
some of those white paper suits,
like the forensics wear. They are stylish
with a slightly sinister appeal to them.
Well, you can create
weaknesses in the fabric
at selected strategic points,
and rip them open,
when appropriate.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, later.
[Sighs]
Listen, dude,
if you want to hang out with Vicky
and co, that's your call. Go ahead.
We can always see
the film another time.
No, I'd like to see the film. I'm not
planning on seeing Tina again, anyway.
Why are you splitting up?
We never really
talk about anything.
She just wants to
have sex all the time.
Oh.
Why are you splitting up?
I jest.
No, I've noticed lately you've been
walking with something of an ambling gait.
Yeah, and bereft of its
characteristic youthful spring.
Yeah, but after a while you
want a bit more than just sex.
Precisely, dude. Sooner or later
you've got to make a connection.
The litmus test is, how do
you feel after you've hit send?
Do you still feel affection for her
after the missiles have left the silo?
-Shall we get some lunch?
-Yeah.
[Groaning]
Saxondale: Oh, turn around.
-Magz: Careful, Tommy.
-Saxondale: The good thing about these paper suits is...
they're completely
disposable, so...
Magz: Are they
environmentally friendly?
Saxondale: They are, love. It's recycled
paper. They can make them from anything.
Old argos catalogues, petrol
receipts, driving licences.
The paper ones, not
the new laminates and...
J... j... j... junk mail!
Yeah...
like if you go nuts,
um, it feels good at the time,
but later it feels worse,
and it's actually better
to try and work it out.
That's good, that's very good.
That's very good.
Anyone else?
Tommy?
Well, anger is like
flatulence, isn't it?
Insofar as it's far better
to let it out in increments
than to let go with
one humongous rattle.
Er... well, yes, yeah,
inasmuch as losing your temper
is about transferring that
anger to those closest to you.
Well, you're farting in the face of
the person you love, aren't you?
If you ask the police, they
will tell you that most murders
are committed by a friend
or relative of the victim.
They take place at home, in
the office, on public transport,
in a lift, in a jacuzzi.
Are we still talking
about murder?
I'll hold my hands up, the last three
examples were specifically farting.
-Right.
-And I speak as both perpetrator and victim.
Well, um, joking apart,
it's not just about
controlling your anger,
it's also about
emotional honesty,
taking responsibility for
when you do have an outburst.
Totally, all the stuff we talk
about in here is a waste of time
if you can't apply
it in the real world.
-Sorry.
-No, do go on, it's good, do go on.
Well, when I leave here, and I
make a mistake... Which I will,
because none of us are perfect.
Thank goodness.
But when I cross that that line, and
it's the people around me who will suffer,
that I at least have
the moral conviction,
-yeah.
-And honesty, and courage,
it takes courage,
to stand up and say,
"I dropped my guts."
Right, I make that 11:01.
[Theme music playing]
[Engine starts]
[Tyres screeching]
So, I thought I heard something
up there, but I'm not sure.
I'd rather leave it to you.
Not a problem. Most likely a
squirrel. Charming little fellows,
but given half a chance, they
will burn down your house.
The cute, cuddly face of arson.
-Oh, my god! Really?
-Unfortunately with rodents,
their teeth never stop growing
so they have to constantly gnaw.
Sooner or later he's going to
start snacking on your cables.
Best off we get him dispatched before
he plugs himself into the national grid.
-'Cause that fine fur goes up like dresden.
-Oh, my god!
Well, you know, I want rid of
it, but I really don't want it killed.
Again, no problem, we have sprung
traps where he or she wanders in,
and is spirited away, and that's one
more struck off the FBI's most wanted list.
Where do you let it go?
The countryside.
Yeah, yeah. It'll be fine.
Glad he's dodged the bullet.
We don't...
Stick him on a Learjet and
send him for questioning in Syria,
if that's what you mean.
The loft hatch is at the top of the
stairs, if you want to come through.
[Inaudible chatter]
Oh, hello, handsome. No, I
wasn't talking to you, Tommy.
Sorry to disappoint you, oh, look at his
face, he thought I was talking about him.
No, I didn't. Any word on the
aggressive magpies at the distillery?
Yeah, but I'm still waiting for your
medical report, Tommy, love, yeah?
You know, I'll chase it up, babes,
but you know as well as I do,
no medical report,
no insurance, yeah?
And I have said to them, I've
said, "he's a very fit guy, yeah?"
I said, "don't judge a book
by its cover", but you know.
Well, if you could
follow that up.
So, Raymond, what are
you up to tonight then?
Yeah? You going over to jumping Jack's
to cop off with some nice young girl, then?
No, no plans.
Oh, now that is criminal. Nice
young hunk like you going to waste.
Oh, look at you, you've got the
whole of your life ahead of you.
You should come out with me
and my mates sometime, yeah?
I could introduce you
to some lovely girls.
How do you know
he's not homosexual?
-Actually, I...
-It's academic.
Well, so what if he
is Tommy, yeah?
I could sort him out
there an' all, yeah?
Bunch of my mates, lovely
fellas who work for easyjet, yeah?
I call them my
little trolley dollies.
-And they call me mother hen.
-I like them already.
How does this sound, right, we line
up the tequilas on the bar, it's you,
it's me, it's the trolley
dollies from easyjet, yeah?
-What could be more fun than that?
-Deep vein thrombosis.
-Honestly, Raymond, you really should meet them, hmm?
-I'm not actually gay.
Yeah, he's not
actually gay, so...
Hang on, why didn't you
say so, why didn't you say?
Because my mate Tina is
coming out with us tonight.
I tell you what, she is so bubbly,
and her divorce is pretty much over,
you know, bar the shouting.
Oh, come on, Raymond,
that's got to be you pretty much
finished for the night, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Well, hop in the car with me then, yeah?
We'll go over to my mate Darren's,
he can lend you a nice little shirt
and a nice little
pair of jeans, yeah?
-Would, er, would that be all right?
-It's your life, dude.
Yeah, all right, why not, yeah?
Well, great. Great. You're
going to have such a laugh.
Wait till you meet Tina,
you are going to wet yourself.
Better tell Darren then, if
you're going to borrow his jeans.
Tommy, love, why don't you take that
magazine with you, I've finished with it.
Yeah, I wasn't actually reading it, I was
just, you know, looking at this De-icer.
-What?
-I was looking at the De-icer on the cover.
That's an afro comb.
-Right, yeah.
-And do you know what though?
Have it, Tommy, I've got no
use for it, yeah. Help yourself.
I have noticed,
sweetheart, that sometimes
you do get a little bit knotted
round the back, don't you?
Get knotted, Tommy, don't
you? Get knotted, Tommy.
Yeah, got you the first time.
Ha-ha! Get knotted, Tommy!
Not getting any funnier, is it?
Oh, doesn't it? I'll try saying
it again, then, see if it does.
-Get knotted, Tommy.
-Right, I'll catch you back at the ranch.
See ya. I don't want
this. I'll put it in the can.
Oh, Tommy babes, I
was only winding you up.
Yeah I know.
[Radio playing]
What are you doing still up?
Been waiting for this
radio show to start.
Woman on radio: And now on
radio four, the third instalment
of Isabel allende's house of the
spirits, read by Zoe wanamaker.
You hate programmes like this.
You're waiting up for Raymond.
[Turns off radio]
He's got to have a social life.
Yeah, but Vicky!
Vicky's coven go to 80s discos.
-So? If that's what they want.
-Yeah, but Raymond's an impressionable lad.
You know, only the other
day I was explaining to him the
inventiveness of
gilmour's chord phrasing
on the monumental
dark side of the moon,
and now he's prancing
round in the lower circle of hell.
To the pet shop boys.
Tina: The limousine driver was going mental,
and I said, "look you got eight girls
"on a hen night, chances are one of
them is gonna puke." It's usually me.
[Laughter]
This is Tina.
-All right.
-Hi, I'm magz, this is Tommy.
Hiya.
-I trust a good time was had?
-Yeah.
-So you work with Vicky?
-She occasionally requires my services
-as a...
-Yeah, I'll see you later.
Which is your room?
Yeah, let's skip the chat,
probably best.
Oh, just having a bit of fun.
-[Tina laughing loudly] - Come on, come to bed.
-What, with that din?
Leave it a couple of minutes, at least
until stormin' Norman lets off the howitzer.
-[Rhythmic muffled banging]
-[Saxondale sighs]
-[Banging]
-[Groaning]
I mean, where does he get the energy
from? He lives on monster munch.
They can last the pace, but, you
know, how much fun are they having?
We've got air bags to
cushion the blows, but...
Neither of those two have got any
meat on them. Look at Raymond.
Morrissey could eat the guy and
not have a stain on his conscience.
While you're here,
I wanted to ask you,
there's apparently an urban fox in the
area and I'm a bit worried about my cats.
I hate the idea of somebody
shooting the fox, I just wondered if...
What you got to do, is you
or we go to chessington zoo
and ask Nick the cat man
to give you some lion's dung.
Pop it in the garden, the fox
thinks there's a big cat in the area,
and they vamoose, toes lively.
I always have a bit of a joke with Nick.
I say, "I'm not taking any shit off you!
"All right, just this once."
The scent will vary in intensity
depending on the big cat's diet.
I employ much the same technique
if I want to keep the bathroom
to myself in the morning.
You know, and like the lion,
it will vary in intensity depending
on the previous night's ingestion.
Yeah.
I like... I like your candles.
-Oh!
-Yeah, very nice, very nice, come on.
It's not normally
like this actually,
I've got my friend Sarah coming round
tonight, she does massage therapy.
That's the business, that is.
You can't beat a good massage.
That's not a crude reference to the old,
you know, happy ending scenario, by the way.
She's a qualified physiotherapist, so
she works strictly on a referral basis.
Oh, that's understandable.
The irony is, nigh on impossible
to get a massage in
a massage parlour!
That's one for the
trades description act!
Technically illegal, of course,
but then so is prostitution.
Hmm.
I could do with a massage.
I should have a word with your
mate, you know a proper one, kosher.
Right, let's see who's won
a trip to the great outdoors.
Where's the big ladder?
The tall one?
Well, I've got that one.
It's fine, I've tried it.
[Ladder creaking]
[Ladder creaking]
[Grunting]
-You all right?
-Yeah, no I'm fine,
I don't want to
climb in, I'm just,
just surveying the environment.
No point in the two of us
being in a confined space.
Oh, god, Tommy,
something's gone wrong.
The squirrel in the cage. It's
dead, it must have got stuck.
Keep your voice down,
just keep your head!
It's just an accident, it's
not the my lai massacre.
Hey, hey.
No, I've gone.
-[Tommy yells] - [Thud]
-You all right, Tommy?
Saxondale: Yeah.
We've got to clean
the crime scene,
otherwise this place
will be crawling with feds.
Oh, yeah. His ticker probably
gave out when the door fell.
It's a shame, but they don't
make defibrillators in his size.
Should we inform the client?
You don't want to
upset the woman.
Mias, kiddo, missing in action.
Everyone in the unit knows they've bought
it but why tell the mothers that, eh?
Give them some hope,
something to cling on to.
Stick it in that tesco bag.
Say it's a rat if she asks. No, a
rodent, that way you're not lying.
If she wants you to be more
specific, just take the fifth.
-Well, I'll probably just say nothing.
-Yeah.
Quick as you like. She's
in the window. All done!
All right, keep calm,
slow it down a little bit.
Right, there we
go, just another job.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
And just pop it in there.
-She seemed nice, though.
-Lovely lady.
A nicer person
you could not meet,
but do not underestimate the
emotive power of a big bushy tail.
If she finds out we've accidentally killed
one of god's fluffy little creatures,
it's going to kick off big time.
How do you know?
Have you seen the cd collection?
Suzanne vega, Tori Amos, alanis morissette.
It's all ashtanga yoga by candlelight,
but when the red mist descends,
duck and cover, dude.
-Duck and cover.
-I like the music, though.
Oh, so do I. Great songwriters,
but come on, girls, let it go.
We've all been dumped.
How's it going
between you and Tina?
-Mmm. Yeah, it's good. It's a giggle.
-Yeah.
Well, we all like a
giggle, in moderation.
When really you want a happy medium between
the intellect of someone like noam chomsky,
linguist and author, and
somebody who thinks it's funny to go,
"listen to this, too good to
miss," da, da, da, da, da, da.
Pop.
Hello, love. Yeah, it's me.
All right, you run along and
I'll catch up with you later.
All right.
No, we're finishing early today
and I'm in the mood for love.
So I know that Raymond and Tina
have got their landing craft on the beach,
but when Tom saxondale and
Margaret neath hit the shingle,
we're going to cut the barbed
wire, take out the sniper posts,
lob a couple of incendiaries
through the observation slots,
and...
Incinerate the fleeing
survivors with a flame-thrower.
Yeah.
No, no, yeah, it's bloody awful.
Yeah, war...
It's brutal and dehumanising.
I'm surprised that bothers
you, frauleinmargaret, eh?
Jawohl!
[Speaking German]
Stiffenzie broom-handle.
Saxondale: Oh, dear.
Ugh, bloody hell.
[Panting]
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
[Panting]
Tommy?
What's that?
-Salad dressing.
-Ah.
Are you all right?
That must have been
eight minutes Max.
-I'm normally just getting the revs up by then.
-Well, what's wrong?
It's that damn
missionary position.
It's not natural. You don't see
anything in nature doing it face-to-face.
Yeah, but it's a
bit more romantic.
You get to see the person
you're making love with.
I see you every day, I
know what you look like.
Okay. Well, do you want
me to go on top for a bit?
Back.
-What about with you kneeling behind me?
-Knee.
All right what about me sitting
on a chair and straddling you?
Chair.
Right.
What about me standing up,
grasping hold of
the banister, right?
Yeah, go on, yeah, I'm with you.
Okay, and then you standing behind
me also, but with your knees a bit bent.
Oh, hang on, because what if
Raymond gets up to go to the toilet?
Oh, yeah.
We could put a bell on his door,
but I think even he'd twig eventually.
Put a bolt on his door.
On the outside?
That's an infringement
of his human rights.
They'd have us up in strasbourg. Why
don't we put him in an orange jumpsuit,
so we can see him coming?
[Yawns] - All right, well,
I'm off to bed, you coming?
I'll be up in a minute, I'm
just going to pop off a Viagra,
put some lead in the old pencil.
All right, I'll be up for a bit.
So will I, eventually.
Okay, we'll start with
10k, see how that feels.
Oh, actually, Tommy, you've got to sit
with your back to the padded support.
Oh, yeah, these
are the new ones.
Okay, you've got 10k on.
It's about the same as a
standard carlsbro monitor wedge.
I used to pack one under each
arm when I was loading the bins.
Oh, emptying rubbish
bins must have kept you fit.
Wheelie bins?
I mean bass bins, I
used to be a roadie.
A monitor wedge is...
How do you think a
band hear themselves
when they're sticking out
120db through the main stack?
What is going on in
schools these days?
Try that.
[Groaning]
-Yeah.
-Okay, well, I'll leave you to get comfortable with that,
and I'll be back in a bit.
Right.
Just whack it up a bit.
Yeah.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
[Chokes]
[Groans]
[Pants]
[Panting]
Finished with that, mate?
Just feeling the burn.
[Grunts]
Here, mate, do you
want your towel?
Yeah, just Chuck it.
Cheers.
And that indicates your
range of motion, so...
Bear with me one sec?
Everything okay?
Yeah, just reading this.
The fire regulations?
Well, there's no point
waiting until there's a fire.
I see the assembly
point is near the gym spa.
So you can treat yourself to a fruit smoothie
while you're waiting for the fire brigade.
[Car horn beeps]
[Car horn beeps again]
[Car horn beeps]
All right, mate, I've got a blind
spot the size of the gobi desert here.
Turning right.
No, no, not gonna happen.
Plan b!
[Tyres screech]
[Car horn beeps]
[Tyres screeching] -
Thanks for your Patience.
-[Car horn beeps]
-Oh, shut up, you tit!
-Saxondale: All right, so you are poised.
-Magz: And then drop down.
Just remember my upper vertebrae is an
al-qaeda cell and your backside's an f16.
Do you have visual?
-Target locked on.
-Deploy.
-[Magz grunts]
-Ahh! Ahh.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, okay. One more pass for a mop-up.
Oh, hurry up, Tommy.
-Hit 'em!
-Ahh.
Ahh... ahh...
Ahh.
Target is reduced.
All units back to base.
Oh, hello, lads, all right?
What can I do you for, eh?
-Any word on those chip shop mice?
-No, nothing yet, sweetheart,
but I'll give them a buzz, yeah?
Oh, that reminds me, Raymond, Friday night
is a retro night at electric whispers, yeah?
-And I want to see you there.
-No, we've already made plans.
I'm going to show Raymond a digitally
remastered version of day of the jackal.
Blimey, your gonna need a laugh
after sitting through dr Jekyll, yeah?
Get yourself down
there, Raymond.
Here, I bet you Tommy's got a
tank top you could borrow, yeah?
A nice red one to go
with his little red knickers.
Eh, Raymond? You know
what I mean, don't you? Yeah?
Raymond, do you want to go
and grab a pew in the kangoo?
Yeah, just sit there
and listen to heart fm.
There's a bag of monster
munch in the glove box. Dig in.
I know what you're up to.
You're trying to get someone on the
inside to feed you back information.
Tommy, sweetheart,
what are you talking about?
You divulged information
about my personal effects,
that can only have come
from a highly placed source.
Tommy, sweetheart,
lighten up, I'm only kidding.
I hardly think that mi5 want to know about
the colour of your little red knickers.
I don't wear little red knickers,
I wear big man's pants.
White ones. You do this to
every one of my assistants.
You brainwash them, you
twist their minds so they become
irritated by me
and then they leave.
What have I done? What?
I've just been sociable.
Being sociable. You, you groom
them until they become part of your cell.
Saxondale: Oh.
[Groans]
Oh, Tommy, darling, are
you all right, love, yeah?
Yeah, I just...
Yeah, it's just my
heart. My heart.
Oh, it's probably just anxiety.
You're hardly having
a heart attack, love,
you're just getting yourself
all wound up like you do.
I'm not anxious.
How would you know?
You're not an expert.
I've known cleverer...
bees. [Groans]
I know, because according to your medical
records you are actually in excellent shape.
Eh?
I know, it's weird, isn't it? But apparently
you've got the heart rate, the blood pressure
and the cholesterol
of a man half your age.
How come you've seen
my medical records?
That's confidential information.
Oh, yeah, well, I know, I
know. I opened it by accident.
I thought it was mine, babes, yeah I didn't
realise it wasn't until I got to that bit
-about the swollen veins around the entrance to the...
-Yeah, all right, okay.
I know, I thought, blimey, these
can't be my medical records
because if I had that, I'd be walking
around like that game. Do you know the one,
that party game where
you have to have the balloon
between your thighs, and
you have to try not to pop it?
That is classified information.
My medical condition is
highly restricted access.
-I imagine it is, babes, yeah.
-Not like that. It's for my eyes only.
Blimey. Can you get
your head round there?
-That is a clever trick if you can do it.
-You...
Tommy. Oh, Tommy,
darling, now, calm down.
Don't get angry. I am only
trying to help here, okay?
I know.
By the way, darling,
will you just please, please, please
take care when you go to the lavatory?
I do take care. I
take a lot of care.
Especially with
your number twos.
I know.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,
darling, come here.
Me and my mates were wondering,
does it come out with a stripe?
Yeah, so apparently,
fit as a fiddle.
So I was wondering...
Yeah.
On the way home I could pick up
some of those white paper suits,
like the forensics wear. They are stylish
with a slightly sinister appeal to them.
Well, you can create
weaknesses in the fabric
at selected strategic points,
and rip them open,
when appropriate.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, later.
[Sighs]
Listen, dude,
if you want to hang out with Vicky
and co, that's your call. Go ahead.
We can always see
the film another time.
No, I'd like to see the film. I'm not
planning on seeing Tina again, anyway.
Why are you splitting up?
We never really
talk about anything.
She just wants to
have sex all the time.
Oh.
Why are you splitting up?
I jest.
No, I've noticed lately you've been
walking with something of an ambling gait.
Yeah, and bereft of its
characteristic youthful spring.
Yeah, but after a while you
want a bit more than just sex.
Precisely, dude. Sooner or later
you've got to make a connection.
The litmus test is, how do
you feel after you've hit send?
Do you still feel affection for her
after the missiles have left the silo?
-Shall we get some lunch?
-Yeah.
[Groaning]
Saxondale: Oh, turn around.
-Magz: Careful, Tommy.
-Saxondale: The good thing about these paper suits is...
they're completely
disposable, so...
Magz: Are they
environmentally friendly?
Saxondale: They are, love. It's recycled
paper. They can make them from anything.
Old argos catalogues, petrol
receipts, driving licences.
The paper ones, not
the new laminates and...
J... j... j... junk mail!
Yeah...