Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

And what that tells us is, um...

If someone's angry with you,
and you respond with anger,

what you're doing is inflaming
rather than diffusing the situation.

If we look all round the world, we see
negotiation is always better than conflict.

Not always possible,
though, is it, alistair?

Take the urban squirrel.

I would like nothing better than to
hammer out a negotiated settlement.

To sit down at a round table with
some senior squirrels, and say,

"listen, guys, help
yourself to the pine kernels

"but lay off the
cherry tomatoes."

Clearly, that's not possible.



Clearly, that's not possible, but, and now,
you have the added phenomenon of squirrels

who whilst foraging, stumble
across stashes of crack cocaine,

hidden in public
parks by drug dealers,

and they need only ingest a very small
amount before they turn incredibly violent.

The cuddly cheeky squirrel,
very much a thing of the past.

I have seen a squirrel go
from that to that in seconds.

It is frightening, they
are very aggressive.

They're all like Tupac Shakur or fifty
pence piece or whatever he calls himself.

They know no fear.

I have seen a squirrel, with my own
eyes, punch a pit bull terrier on the nose.

And you say what you like about
anger management, but if it's between me

and a crack squirrel, I
would take that squirrel down.

I would take that squirrel
down to Chinatown.

-Do you want to take a break?
-Yes, please.



Hello? Dad?

Hey.

Stand back, son. Now, pronto.

Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

Hoo-hoo!

-I hope you're suitably embarrassed by my behaviour.
-Not really, no.

Right, carry on.
Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

Okay, dad.

-How's your mum?
-All right, you know.

Great, don't elaborate.

-Hiya.
-Hi!

Dad, this is Matt.

-Hi.
-Hello, all right?

-Good to meet you.
-And you.

-Hello.
-Hi.

This is my bird.

Right, young man, I want to
know all about your prospects

and intentions
regarding my daughter.

Yeah, right, park
it there, kiddo.

Cheers.

Now, as regards your dowry.

Um, I'm afraid I've gambled
away the country estate, but

I do still have an old
vauxhall viva with a flat battery,

but I'll throw in a
set of jump leads.

No, actually, I'll keep the jump
leads, Matt, I might need them for him.

Hey, do you mind?

I start first time
every morning.

Maybe a quick yank
on the starter handle.

Just nod and smile.

Yeah, he's quite harmless.

-Just don't feed him. I'll put the kettle on.
-Oh, I'll help.

Bloomin' hell,
did you hear that?

I'm getting both barrels here,
mate. Severe lack of respect.

No respect at all, mate. I think
a bit of discipline's in order, eh?

So Stevie told me you've
toured with all the greats.

Purple, Floyd, Genesis, elp,

the tull, yadda yadda.

You ever toured with led zep?

No. But I do have a
white Fender stratocaster

hanging in the
batcave... Garage.

-Right.
-Second hand.

Yeah, used to be
owned by a bloke called

ritchie blackmore.

Used to play for deep purple,
don't know if you've heard of them.

Wow.

Shall we?

Oh, there she is.

Oh, wow.

Did ritchie blackmore
actually give that to you?

Yeah, not his
favourite, but um...

He gave it to me on the
bent out of shapetour.

-Oh!
-Yeah, I remember his words, he said,

"the relationship you
forge with this guitar

"will bring you an inner peace
that no human being ever can."

Wow!

Yeah. Think he was having a bit of
trouble with his missus at the time.

Well, shall we tend to
the collective whistle?

What's that?

One to the health
of our forebears.

-I'm offering you a beer.
-Yeah, sure. Great.

Done deal.

Ooh, hey!

Hey, uh, Tommy. You know, um...

You've got an amazing daughter.

She'll do for now.

No, no, no, she is
amazing. I really love her.

I wasn't going to make you
sleep in separate bedrooms.

I'm the last one to lay the
old morality trip on anyone.

When Stevie was at college, she'd come back
here with the odd boyfriend and I'd be like,

"help yourself to
a bud, chill, cook,

"and whatever the sleeping
arrangements, who gives?

"Just remember to bag it."

Condoms in the
bathroom cabinet, lube.

-She's...
-She's great. She's great.

Hey, Tommy, Matt's teaching
Stevie how to rock climb.

Great.

Yeah, we're going to do some in
Ecuador. Haven't you been there, dad?

-Oh, yes.
-Matt: Yeah, we're going to lemur's Ridge.

I went there in my gap
year, so... Have you been?

And then some, dude.

I hauled numerous rigs on the old south
American expedition when I was a roadie.

Oh, did you get
to lemur's Ridge?

I, er, got to

many after-hours gambling emporia
that were not, shall we say, official

tourist office recommendations

and made a considerable boost to
the economy of neighbouring Colombia.

Gentlemen's conversation
for another occasion.

Anyway, muchostequila
down the old Gregory peck.

I tell you what though, the
paragliding out there is sensational.

You ever get back to lemur's
Ridge, you have to try that.

Yeah, these days I get most of my
kicks hanging out chezlake district.

-Do you powerboat?
-No, dad just likes to go for a walk.

More of a power yomp, you know.

Jog up to the top of the
mountain, jog back down.

-Knapsack on your back.
-Weighted?

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, he's got his sandwiches in there.

Yeah, a couple of cans of tango,
you know, king size Mars. It all adds up.

Hill walking, it's not
really my thing, you know.

I'm into free climbing, I
mean, that is amazing.

-Tommy, love.
-I tell you, the best place for it is mojave,

there's just thousands
of bats there.

You're in this massive cave and
there's thousands of bats everywhere.

You're hanging off
a low angle chimney,

bats swarming up all around you,
and all you've got is your fingers, man.

A little ledge there and bats
coming at you from every angle.

-Are there any bats there?
-Yeah, that's what I'm saying, there's loads.

-I know, I'm just...
-For me, it's the psychology, you know.

Because if you can keep
your fear at bay... Tommy!

If you can keep your fear at bay,
yeah, then you can keep your hold

and I've never lost it
so far, so... you know.

Yeah, all those ropes.

I had my fill of tying
knots in boy scouts.

No, dad, there are no
knots, there are no ropes.

Eh?

Yeah, that's the whole point.

You lose it, you lose it.

What, no ropes? My god!

Matt: I know, it's wild.

But we've got this saying in the
free climbing community, which is,

"in life, it's not how many
breaths you take that matters,

"it's how many moments
take your breath away."

-Wow.
-Wow.

Mellotron.

I used to own a piece of
equipment called a mellotron.

It was a gift from the band 10cc and they
used it on the seminal I'm not in love.

It was a series of looped
tapes that made an analogue

recording of a specific sound
and transferred it onto a keyboard

like a primitive form of
digital sampling, if you will.

And it produced a kind
of choral polyphonic effect

and it was quite
ethereal, quite evocative.

Not unlike the sound one might
imagine would emanate from

a choir of angels at
the gates of heaven.

And when Stevie's mum, my ex-wife, took it
from the boot of my triumph dolomite sprint

and dropped it off
Clifton suspension bridge,

I can honestly say

that that moment
took my breath away.

The table's booked for 9:00.

-It was only a synth.
-We'd better go.

We put these in
the bin, in our house.

Oh, Stevie's looking
well, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, she's great.

The good thing is she hasn't, you know,
bought into all that corporate bullshit.

-No, she hasn't.
-No, she hasn't.

And Matt's all right,
you know, it's just all that

climbing without rope
stuff, it's a bit mad.

Yeah, free climbing.

Climbing up his
own colon, more like.

He wants to give it that,
don't he? Is he full of shit?

Yeah, well, you like to give it that
and sometimes you're full of shit.

-I just realised why she likes him so much.
-Why?

He reminds her of her old man.

Oh, right, and you really want your
daughter marrying someone like you?

Is that a trick question?

Anyway, she's a grown up, she
knows what she's getting roped into.

Oh, no, there's no ropes. No, there's
plenty of fucking bats but there's no ropes.

You know when he said
he never lost it climbing

and he knocked the door
and said, "touch wood."

Well, I am nigh on certain that
that is medium density fibreboard

with pressed resin
laminate, so... tee-hee.

Bottoms up.

Hello, lads, you come to wish
me happy birthday then, yeah?

-Oh, happy birthday.
-Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Yeah, yeah, ditto. Didn't
know it was your birthday.

Yeah, I'm 21 again. Oi, watch it you, I
heard that, that's enough of that, yeah?

No, I'm only winding
you up, darling.

Here, wait till you see what I got
from my mate Jackie at flex and stretch.

It goes, "and
today's sermon is...

"Don't spare the rod!"

Have you seen that? That is Jacks
all over though, she just don't care.

Do you see it, Tommy?

Oh, Tommy, love, come
on, darling, it's only sex.

-It's not that.
-Don't be so stiff.

Oh, that didn't sound
right, did it, Raymond?

"Oh, don't be so stiff."

You probably wondering what I
was talking about there, yeah?

The penis.

Right, Tommy. So I have still
got that cockroach job at the

selborne road
council flats, yeah?

You need to get the
tenant to sign for it.

I tell you what, though, apparently
it's like the wild west down there.

Yeah, the big companies' official
corporate policy is, it's a no-go area.

Mind you, don't suppose you're bothered
by a few druggies, though, are you, eh?

You've been around the block
in the music business, yeah?

Haven't you, yeah?

-That's what that lot from pest detect were saying.
-Were they?

I said no, I said no.

I said, "Tommy is a
very, very hard worker,

"and no, for your information, he's not off
his trolley on the wacky baccy all day."

You sorted that out a while
back, didn't you, babes?

Yeah, I did.

And they're like, "yeah, yeah, his
hairstyle's older than his girlfriend",

and I'm like, "no,
that is not fair

"because he is very good to
magz, he is very good to her."

Right, I just need to get your
signature here, babes, yeah?

Yeah, got this.

You know what, sometimes it's just so easy
to look down on other people, isn't it?

And I have got no time for that.

Don't you worry, pet, because I
will always, always stick up for you.

Cheers.

Yeah, well, come on, let's get a
move on, love, haven't got all day.

What else were they saying?

"Chubby chaser." I said, "that's
really hurtful, really hurtful."

Thank you, darling, lovely.

Why don't I just give you a bell
then if anything else pops up, yeah?

Pops up, yeah. Tommy? Pops up.

Suit yourself. Oh, Tommy,
love, I meant to say to you...

Pops up.

Woman: Piss off, leave it alone.

-Bit rough round here.
-They're just people, mate, just people.

Imperfect, like the rest of us.

I'm no god botherer, but even Jesus didn't
spend too much time with the power brokers.

He was hanging out with the
sinners and the outcasts and the poor.

Even he'd see that beyond the
satellite dishes and the broken windows

is where you'll find the real face of
humanity, and a kind of simple wisdom.

-Did I lock the Van?
-Yeah.

Oh, good.

Afternoon.

Hi.

Have you come
about buying me iPod?

No, we're from pest control...

Suit yourself.

Turn the music
off, please, mate.

Wasn't even me that put it on.

Oh, they've gone.

We're from pest control, mate.

Whose name is this flat in?

Paul.

Right, and what's
Paul's second name?

Is it mosley?

I don't know, I've
never met him.

I think he's in Ibiza.

Right, is there anyone else
who can sign the paperwork?

Yeah, Mickey, but
he's gone to heaven.

What, he died?

No, he's gone to heaven!

It's a club in
town, he's not died.

He just don't look well.

Right, well, your neighbour's
made a complaint.

Yeah, I bet he has. You
know what he called me?

He said I was a
blight on society.

I think that's what he said. I couldn't
tell what he's saying 'cause he's scotch.

I don't know what he's so
high and mighty about, anyway.

He's divorced...

'Cause he's a dick.

Hey, don't everything
look really weird.

That might be because you've
got some hair over your eye.

I like him. Come here, I want to
tell you something. Come here.

There's nothing you can say to
him you can't say to the two of us.

I just want to tell
him something.

Nosy Parker.

Who are you?

All right, mate, we've
really got to push on.

Do you want to buy some DVDs?

Er, no, thanks.

Hang on, you don't even
know what's on 'em yet.

Oh, strewth!

Darling buds of may.

It's got, like, Catherine
zeta-Jones in it,

when she was fat.

Listen, if we
don't... Oh, Jesus!

Ha! Clumsy!

Hold on, I'll get you a tissue.

I think creaky Dan bought some.

Where's he gone?

Where's he gone?

He says you can't have any.

That's all right, mate,
we're going to head off now.

All right, you'd better take your
boxing dog or Paul will go mental.

Yeah, you see, I said that one could really
fly, you know, with a viral marketing push.

Chat rooms, we
keep the flyers oblique.

What toilet paper did you get?

The expensive one,

-and it's not recycled.
-Good.

I'm afraid the environment's going to
have to take a hit on this one, darling.

I mean, I'm as
eco-friendly as the next guy,

but recycled bog roll is like taking
a cheese grater to a bullet wound.

We need someone who looks like
he's pushing down shitloads in the city

but come the
weekend, you know...

Yeah, he's pulling 360s
on a slope in chamonix.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Come on, Matt, let's not talk about work now.
-Mmm?

Oh, sorry, no, it's just we need a
face to front a major new promo.

You know, some kind of non-corporate
guy with a... Bit of a bed-headed dude,

don't give two shits kind of
attitude, you know, like, um...

Isambard kingdom brunel?

Mmm...

Pol pot?

-I'm getting warmer, aren't I?
-Mmm...

Matt.

-There was a young barmaid from...
-Oh, dad, no, please!

-There was a young barmaid from...
-Aah, limericks!

For the love of god, no!

Sorry, no, go on, go
on. I'm only kidding.

You can't beat a
good limerick, go for it.

Respect. Old school.

No, you're all right,
mate, you're all right, mate.

Oh...

Come on, Tommy.

Matt wants to hear it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Definitely.

There was a young barmaid from sale,
on her breasts were the prices of ale.

And on her behind, for the sake of the
blind, was the same information in braille.

There you go.

Estupendo.

Just doing the invoices.

First we kill, then we bill.

Hey, Tommy. Why don't you
and magz come to this bash, yeah?

The guys I'm working with
from corporate branding

are having a weekend at kenwood
house, it's on the 26th to the 28th.

I'm pretty sure I've got a mustang
meet on that weekend, so I'll pass.

Besides which I prefer oily rags
and smoky ribs to pinstripe and Sushi.

No, these guys aren't like that.

It's all skate pans, trainers
and t-shirts, you know.

Dad, you can do the
muscle car thing another time.

Yeah, come on, Tommy, I mean, do the
Dukes of Hazzard thing another weekend.

I think you'll really like
kenwood house, you know.

I really like a muscle car meet.

All are made to feel welcome.
No dress code, no suits.

We have live music
dumpy's rusty nuts

followed by a
blackfoot tribute band.

We might even have our most
tanned cleavage competition.

Raise a few shekels for
the local kiddies charity.

But I am 100% certain that no
one at any time is going to be saying

sweet Jack diddly squat
about corporate branding.

Well, you know, if
you change your mind.

I'm just going
to nip to the loo.

You're so stubborn.

I can see why mum got so angry.

I don't mean to dis
your ma, sweet cheeks,

but the chick sold out to
the whole suburban dream.

Tried to get me in
a comfort fit trouser,

suede shoes, and trade in the
mustang for a vauxhall senator.

I said, they can Bury me in my wrangler
pro rodeos and dunlop green flash

and they can donate the crease
resistant kecks to mr I obey.

All these people that
you look down on...

"I obey" as in obey the system.

They're just doing jobs, paying
bills and pensions, just like you.

I play by me own rules.

You're a 50-year-old pest
controller who lives in stevenage.

I don't, I don't have a... I don't
have a pension plan anyway,

I've got a high-interest
deposit account.

I can get my money
any time I like.

Would it kill you not
to have the last word?

-Morning.
-Ah, there he is.

Just keeping it warm for you.

Oh, there you go.

-Ta.
-That was a laugh last night, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, it was,
yeah. Where is magz?

Oh, she's through there.

Hey, you're very lucky
with her, you know.

I mean, she's, she's...
She's got, she's...

Got a great personality and it makes
you realise that's what's really important.

Nah, nah. What's
really important

is that she makes me
come from me boots.

All packed, then?

Yeah, yeah, just, just going to
use the loo and then that'll be us.

Again?

No, no, I'm having a word.

Time you and I had a
heart-to-heart, hombre.

Oh, oh, right, okay. Yeah.

I think we both know
what this is about.

-Not really.
-Listen, mate, you're not talking to your maiden aunt.

The frequent trips
to the lavatory.

I think we both know I'm not about to hassle
you for excessive use of toilet paper.

Oh, Tommy.

You've got a problem.

Well, I know someone who can...

Who can help you. Yeah. I
had a friend who went your way.

Didn't get to grips with it,

and eventually the guy died.

Your friend died from
irritable bowel syndrome?

Yes, he did.

I didn't know it could kill.

On very rare occasions, yeah.

You know, it starts
out irritable, and then

progresses on to
downright bloody nuisance

and then from there on,

absolutely furious,

and, um...

In the end your bowels just

blow the final whistle.

I've seen quite
a few specialists.

-Who's the guy?
-Eh?

Who's the guy that can help?

Billy. Billy, Billy.

I was going to say Billy bowels, because
that's, you know, what he's known as

round these
parts. Yeah, Billy...

B.b. Is what some
people call him.

Yeah, he does all the bowels.

That would be great.

Thanks, man, I'd
love to get his number.

Yeah, I'll fish it out, yeah.

He'll be down here with his bag.

Cheers.

There you go.

I can see where Stevie
gets her caring side.

Yeah, no, that's...

Genetic.

Dad, I can't believe you're
going to miss kenwood house.

Don't hassle your dad, babe, he
wants to go to his muscle car meet.

It's not my scene.

It's not a business
bash, it's just a party.

All these guys are going
to be playing live, dad.

Keith Emerson's going to be there, Tony
banks and Chester Thompson from Genesis.

-Nick Mason.
-Nick Mason?

He's the drummer
from pink Floyd.

I know who he is. I've rigged
his Toms on the walltour.

Tommy?

Tommy, um, I know you've got
your heart set on this muscle car meet

but I'd really like
to go to this thing,

so um, would you change
your plans for me, maybe?

Oh!

Yeah, we'll pop along.

For the old lady, otherwise
I'll never hear the end of it.

Yeah, great. Well, you
guys will have a brilliant time.

Magz: Thanks.

Cheers.

Matt.

Come here.

I've got something
for you, dude.

Hold that.

Cheers.

I want you to have this.

It's a leopard on a log.

Ritchie blackmore gave it
to me and I'm giving it to you.

No way!

Yeah.

Tommy, that is...

Thank you.

Look at the detail.

He must have really liked you.

Oh, I think he was, um,
he was feeling a bit guilty.

He'd behaved quite badly, made some
assumptions about people that were, uh,

wide of the Mark, shall we say.

I think he just
thought to himself,

"why don't I shut my trap and
stop being a sanctimonious prick?

"Always slagging off other people,
always looking down on them,

"they're just trying to do an honest
day's work, they're just trying to

"pay the bills, you know.

"Always got to have the
upper hand. I should just keep...

"Keep my trap shut, you know.
Put a fucking sock in it and do my job.

"Which is, you know, playing
lead guitar for deep purple."

Yeah, that's what
he was thinking.

Matt: Hey!

Look what your
dad's just given me.

Ritchie blackmore's leopard.

-On a log.
-Yeah, isn't that cool?

It was cluttering up the place.

Dad, that was really sweet.

Now get out of here,
you couple of muppets.

Got you out of a bit
of a hole there, didn't I?

Uh... Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did.

Magz: Did ritchie blackmore really
give you the leopard on the log?

Yeah, on the rainbow risingtour.

Magz: I don't get
the connection.

Saxondale: There wasn't one,

it was the '70s.