Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Alistair: Anger can come
from a lot of different sources.

Sometimes it can
be very deep-seated,

be something we've carried with us for a
very long time. Perhaps we were overweight

as a child. We didn't get enough love from
our parents, perhaps we were smothered,

perhaps we had too much love.

Like Tim with his scoutmaster.

Yeah, there are other examples,
so we can talk about them, maybe.

Don't look at me
like that. You told us.

So, the man who gets out of his car
and attacks another driver, for example.

It may have been a very small
thing that tipped him over the edge.

Perhaps he slept through his
alarm and missed breakfast.



Idi amin, African dictator,
killed loads of people. Nutter.

Chopped his wife's head off
and stuck it in the fridge. Go figure.

Perhaps one morning, mrs amin
came into the bedroom and said,

"you have been hitting that 'cking
snooze button for the last 40 minutes.

"Idi...

"Now your yolks have gone hard."

Cue the old cranium
in the cooler scenario.

I mean, no one
likes a nag, but...

My point is, is that we can't allow
our anger to be like a volcano.

Um, erupting and
harming those around us.

But neither can we suppress it.

You can't just bottle it up.

Exactly, because then it
becomes self destructive.

It just, like, eats away at you.



And some people,
in fact, get cancer.

Yeah, that is one theory.

Yeah, you've
just got to let it go.

If the other bloke wants
to hate you, let him.

Yeah.

With a bit of luck,
he'll get cancer.

Saxondale: My man stax,

he died as he lived...

A little too goddamn fast.

When I heard that he'd
clipped the roundabout

on his Indian chief motorbike
and piled it into the timber yard

I like to think it was a last-ditch
attempt to build a stairway to heaven.

Of course we now know he
was returning from homebase,

where he'd been to pick up an
extractor fan for the downstairs toilet,

long requested by
his devoted wife Kath,

and I believe the two lodgers as
well were quite keen on the idea.

As ever,

he wasn't thinking
about himself,

he was thinking about others.

I remember one night, we'd taken the
mighty Jethro tull round the states in '88.

Every night we packed away the flute and
put that codpiece on the boil-wash cycle.

Anyway, there were two ladies
in the backstage hospitality suite.

One of them looked a bit
like a young Audrey hepburn,

the other had a face like
a beekeeper's apprentice.

Smashing sense of humour
but them's the breaks.

Um... but stax

just left the pretty one with me and
he took her friend back to his bunk...

I'll never forget him disappearing
off down the corridor...

He just looked back and he said,

"fill your boots, son."

That's just the way he was,

he jumped on the
grenade every time.

Perhaps I can finish by quoting the
lyrics of his favourite song, kashmir,

by his beloved led zep.

Says it better
than I ever could.

"Oh, father of the four winds, fill
my sails, across the sea of years

"with no provision
but an open face,

"among the straits of fear.

"Oh, when I'm on,

"when I'm on my
way, yeah, when I see

"when I see the way, you stay

"yeah, ooh, yeah,
yeah, ooh, yeah

"yeah

"ooh, yeah, yeah.

"Well, I'm down,
so down." Thanks.

You've been a great Audi...

You've been great. Stax
has left the building. You're on.

Tommy saxondale.

Deggsy peebles!

You nutter!

Come here.

Tonight we are going to party.

Clem.

Bloody hell, what's
with the extra leg, dude?

The other bloke
is in a wheelchair.

Still in possession of the full
compliment of testicles, I trust?

Left and right fully armed and ready
to deploy at a moment's notice, sir.

At ease, private. Park it.

You're not still on
the road, are you?

Yeah, I'm doing one of them revival
tours, best British bands of the '80s.

That must make for a short gig.

Yeah, in a civilised world
they'd be in the hague,

explaining their greatest hits from
behind a sheet of bulletproof glass.

You still got a
nose for the ladies?

Actually, you can help
me out on that front,

the domestic situation's
gone to yellow alert.

Uh-oh, dive, dive!

Sorry to hear about that, mate.

Can I park my camper Van on
your drive while I fly below radar?

No probs.

So did you roll up in
your big yellow mustang?

Affirmative.

We'll burn some rubber after.

Yeah, get a few more
of those down our necks

and then raise a rigid
digit to the boys in blue.

Ooh, yeah, well if we're gonna
drink, I'll stick the mustang in the ncp,

get a cab but we'll definitely
be giving it a bit of the,

"read between
the lines, officer."

Let's put some proper sounds on.

Whoo! Check these out.

Who's been staying, your granny?

Yeah, it's a gift
from a maiden aunt.

You know, what can you say?

Excuse me, but I've sucked Cuban rum from
the snakeskin boot of nazareth's drummer.

What do you want me
to put in those, horlicks?

Well, I trust you will join me in a
little cigarillo of the naughty variety.

Does bin laden have
caller ID? I thank you.

Actually, it's been a while...

Yeah, the only thing I smoke these days
are the rear tyres on my Ford mustang.

Well, it's high time you
got your cackling tackle

around a doobie of mine, dude.

I think skanky frank's 50th was the last
time I partook of the herbaceous clippings.

"And for a digestif...

"A bottle of your finest
Mexican lamplighter fluid."

Just pop these back
in alphabetical order.

Yeah, so, um... I enjoyed
free bed and board that night,

courtesy of her majesty's
local constabulary.

Precisely, dude.

Yeah?

Tommy saxondale,
turning down the volume?

As if.

When I, when I first moved in...

I got a visit from the noise pollution
people at the council, written warning.

Got it pinned to the wall in
the batcave... The garage.

Yeah, I was like, "ooh, I'm very
sorry, I've been a naughty boy. See ya!

"Are you off home now to listen to your
James blunt cds, you dildo?" You know.

Where's the
artwork on that then?

Where's the gatefold
sleeve with the lyrics, yeah?

Plus, they're supposed
to be indestructible.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Keep your hair on, it's dido.

Came free with
the mailon Sunday.

Get that down your trachea.

And a couple of slammers
will put you back in the game.

I've gotta ship out pronto in the morning.
Big wheels gotta keep on rollin', dude.

I'll pass.

Well, get some
zeds, young Thomas,

for tomorrow night
we make merry.

And then some.

Attention all shipping, hurricane
saxondale is in the area.

-Batten down the hatches.
-Woop, woop! Action stations.

Yes. Tomorrow night, we
are going apeshit crazy.

Yowzer!

Are you going to want to
use the loo in the night?

-Yes, I will.
-I'll leave the landing light on.

-Cheers, mate.
-Good night.

Yeah. Good night.

-Tommy.
-It wasn't me.

It was... kris kristofferson.

Tommy.

I didn't give you my
pin number, did I?

No. No, you just said to
wake you up after 15 minutes.

Good.

Did you have a bit of
a late night last night?

Yeah, old-school stylee.

Your idea of a good night
out changes over the years.

In my 20s, it would have been

12 pack of bud, a
quarter of acapulco gold,

and a young backstage
damsel in denim cut-off shorts,

who is perfect in every way.

Entirely lacking in moral
fibre, of course, so...

Perfect in every way.

Fast forward 20 years and
it was much the same thing.

The top button on her shorts
might be under a bit more strain,

but yeah, just...

Find the spare bunk on the tour bus and
hope she's got the baby-sitter on flexitime.

Oh, no, they...

The fascinating thing about observing
insects is what they tell us about ourselves.

I remember when I learnt that

with ants and bees, only the
female has the ability to sting,

and it was right around the time

that my ex-wife poured a
flask of methiocarb slug killer

into the cooling vents of
my pioneer p400 amplifier.

And that information just
seemed bang on the money.

But it's amazing that insects
have got queens and workers,

and when you think about it,
they actually behave a bit like us.

Oh, yeah, many great thinkers have considered
how insect societies are structured,

and every human social concept
can be found in a beehive, or an anthill.

-What about wasps?
-Wasps are bastards.

-Yeah, but they don't...
-They're just bastards.

-But, mate...
-Leave it.

Hello.

We are from a distant planet.

We are here to
impregnate your women.

I'm sorry?

I'm just yanking your chain,
we're here for the wasps.

Oh, right, come in...

All right?

Blimey, Tommy,
you look knackered.

Has magz been keeping
you up late at night, yeah?

Pinning you to the bed
till you beg for mercy?

No, I'm only pulling
your leg, sweetheart.

Yeah, just a late
night, you know.

Aw, well. Quite right, too. Do you
know what, when I get to your age, yeah,

I'm gonna party as much as I want
and if I look like crap, then so be it,

'cause you can let it all
go then, can't you, darling?

Right then, I need to get your autograph
on this application and I'll get it off.

How's the lovely magz doing?

Tootling along.

Oh, well, send her my
love, darling, will you? Yeah.

Do you know what, my mate
Lisa from claims direct saw her in

the westgate precinct
last week, yeah?

Looking through the
window of Jigsaw.

May well have done.

Yeah. She didn't go in, no, she was
just staring through the window... bless...

Have you got those forms?

Yeah, actually, do you know what annoys
me? Do you know what really annoys me?

Where are the clothes
for big girls like magz, hey?

It's either a big flowery tent, isn't it,
or give up and go for the tracksuit.

Doesn't bother magz.

She's perfectly
happy the way she is.

It's discrimination, isn't it,
yeah? But they won't admit it.

Maybe...

Where are the fat dummies
in the window of Karen millen?

I'll call you later.

I suppose they take
up too much room.

Magz: So, what's Vicky
got for you this month, then?

Possible hospital contract.

Pharaoh's ants.

We just lay down a palatable
feed, laced with a slow-acting poison,

they take it back to
the queen, end game.

So you might see gwenan then.

That's my sister.
She works in casualty.

Got some terrible
stories. Very disturbing.

Not when we're eating, Tommy.

Tell him about the
man with the pepper pot.

Mmm... in his bum.

A man came in, very respectable,
he was in further education

and he shoves a
pepper pot up his bottom.

-He didn't?
-He did.

Yeah, and when they got it out,

you'll never guess
what it said on the side.

Yeah, do you know what it said?

What?

"I've been to chessington
world of adventures."

Guy's gotta live with
that for the rest of his life.

It was only like a small
ceramic pepper pot,

it wasn't like a big grinder,
guy wasn't a pervert.

Hell's teeth.

Saddle up, dude, the
night is about to begin.

I'm having a night in.

Yeah? A quiet night in?

Less of the quiet, dude.

Yeah, me and magz, once a week,
we set aside a night for fantasy.

We call it dirty Thursday.

-Yeah?
-You know. Role play.

Oh, yeah. What are you then, the
plumber that comes to unblock the sink?

A bit more inventive than that.

You know, it's cerebral
as well as sexual.

For example, we did
a white supremacist

canvassing, who meets a lady from
an ethnic minority on the doorstep

and has his
preconceptions challenged.

In a sexy way.

-How did that go, then?
-A bit upsetting, actually.

Magz put on an afro wig, and just
took the whole thing a bit too far.

You nearly got me, you bugger, you nearly
had me, I thought you were being serious.

Line and sinker, dude.

Line and sinker. As if I get
magz to put on a ruddy afro wig

and make love to her wearing
a white sheet and a pointy hat.

Attaboy, Tommy. I knew you'd
never join the suburban set.

Should be all right here. Couple of
local delinquents but nothing much.

Trouble with kids these
days, is their role models are all

banal celebrities or
disposable pop stars.

Where are all the
real British heroes?

I bet not one of them have
heard of isambard kingdom brunel.

Alan turing, the bletchley
park homosexual genius

who cracked the enigma code.

Sir Barnes Wallis.

I bet none of them have ever
heard of "the bouncing bomb".

Yeah, or bomber Harris,
flattened dresden. Amazing.

It... well...

They've got no respect and
no sense of their own heritage.

Robert stephenson, perfecter
of the steam loco, who curiously

beat brunel in the battle for
railway Gauge standardisation.

Got some on your
tache there, mate.

The curriculum
is too inflexible.

A good teacher has to go
off-book to inspire young people.

Little bit on the
other side, mate.

Young people
need a guiding hand.

They look to the older generation
for wisdom and guidance.

Yowzer!

Let's go and get pissed
at the black horse.

You put this on, didn't you?

yeah, it's the Autumn
gold selection.

So many memories.

Yeah.

Mad times.

Close your eyes, you
can almost hear the banter.

"What do you want
to drink, Tommy?"

"I'll have a snakebite"

"Dave?"

"I'll have a snakebite as well."

"Manny?"

"Double Jack."

"No glass. Just pour
it in my snakebite."

"All hands on deck. Jimmy fatman's
just swallowed his tongue again."

Maybe I'm romanticising.

Yeah, you can't go back.

When did all this happen?

Early '90s, dude. It became
a theme pub called gatsby's.

That went tits up
after 12 months.

Then one day a couple of budding
entrepreneurs walked in and thought,

"let's try and recapture the
spirit this place must have had.

"It was an 18th century tavern

"where the vagabond would
sit down with the magistrate,

"the cleric would
sup with the drunkard.

"A whole group of people
would come together

"and celebrate this glorious
tragic comedy we call life."

And then they thought, "fuck it,
let's turn it into a jd wetherspoon's".

Care to join us, ladies?

Just powder our noses.

How do you do it, mate?
I don't know how you...

Unbelievable.

I'm a regular,

we'll get a two
for one discount.

It's midweek.

Saxondale: Desiree,
that's an unusual name.

My real name's Rachel,
but Desiree's more erotic.

Ooh, well, I don't know about that.
I had a gym teacher called Rachel.

Twisted my ankle once.
She sat me on her knee.

I was 18...

No, I wasn't, I
was about that big.

I'll just, er, get me glasses.

I need glasses
to find my glasses.

There they are, the buggers.

No offence, I always make
a point of checking that there

isn't an Adam's
apple in the equation.

1989, last night of the
Tom petty tour, Amsterdam.

You make one simple mistake. It
was very dark. Very difficult to tell.

Once you're committed

you spend the next 10 years
listening to malicious gossip.

So what are you trying to say?

No, no, it's not you. I mean,
if I wasn't wearing these

you could have mutton chop
sideburns and I'd be none the wiser.

You haven't, have you?

Yeah, no, it's just
inevitable with age.

Not necessarily. There's a lot you can do
to minimise the degeneration of eyesight.

-Really?
-Yeah,

it depends if your degeneration is
Neo-vascular or non Neo-vascular.

They're two very
different conditions.

And how do you know that?

Oh, this is just a cash in
hand job, and I don't want to

run up a massive debt
for when I graduate.

I'm doing a degree
in ocular science.

-Ocular science?
-Mmm-hmm.

You should call yourself Iris.

No.

So you just sat and
talked the whole time?

I've no need to look elsewhere,
mate. I've got it all under the one roof.

Magz is my one-stop shop.

She's a wholesale outlet,
and I've got the retailer's

pass that lets you in.

That's beautiful, mate,

you don't need to go to the
whorehouse, you've got a warehouse.

Right,

you and me are going to
get ourselves outside of this.

Er, deggsy, mate, I've
got a bit of an early start.

We can leave a couple in
the bottle for your breakfast.

Magz: Tommy, can I have a word?

Ouch, can I have another?

He's got to go.

He took £50 from my
petty cash jar and left an iou.

Oh, god.

Let him stay till the end of the
week. I'll tell him over a pint tomorrow.

We go way back, magz.

He took me under his wing when I
first started out with the moody blues.

He taught me how to get an
ounce of black through customs.

The whole airtight film canister
and the "clench and blow" method.

He had the Patience of a Saint.

He's got to go.

Deggsy, mate... I can't
go the distance any more.

You know, one night
out and I'm on the canvas.

It kills me to say this,
Tommy... you've changed.

Well, that's what happens, mate,

you know, people
change, they evolve.

Look at the apes. I'm sure they were
having a great time with free love and

battering each other for no
good reason but even they knew

it couldn't go on forever.

You sound like our dads.

We are our dads.

We're both over 50.

Iggy pop's over 50,
he's still caning it.

You don't see him queuing
down the post office, do you?

Iggy pop canes it on stage, he still
has to go home and descale the kettle.

He's probably wearing his
leather trousers when he does it.

I never thought I'd see the day when
Tom saxondale went pipe and slippers.

Yeah, I have got a pipe and
slippers and I'll tell you something else,

the slippers weren't a gift, I ordered
them myself from the home and hearth

mail-order catalogue, because
my feet swell up in the evenings.

And what's more, they are
goddamn comfy, so deal with it.

The pipe's Peruvian...
Magz likes it.

Deggsy?

Time to strike the stage,
dude, power down the amps.

Now you pack that in,

you're not going anywhere,

and you'd better haul ass out of
hospital pronto 'cause when you do,

we're gonna party 24/7
starting off at the witch's hat.

Oh, yeah.

Remember diesel jennie?
She was everything to us...

Mother, friend...

Stripper.

Remember how she...

Remember that thing, she, she...

Shh, deggsy, I know, I know.

She used to pick up
a chair with her tits.

The way she worked that pole...

Like the brush
strokes of Matisse.

I was fucking rigid.

I owe you so much, Tommy.

You don't owe me
a thing, my friend.

Not one damn thing.

Just the... Just that 50 quid.

You tight-fisted...

Don't upset yourself.

Miserable.

How is he?

He's got to have his leg
amputated, just below the knee.

Oh, my god.

Apparently, his arteries are totally
furred up and he was warned about it.

But he says the only physician
he listens to is dr feelgood.

My god. So how is he?

Putting a brave face on it.

I said, "you won't be entering any arse-kicking
contests," and he had a bit of a chuckle.

He said, "you know those
display stands outside

"shoe shops, they
have one of a pair".

He said if no one was looking
he could help himself to a freebie.

I said, "yeah, but you won't be able
to run off", and he just burst into tears.

Oh...

That's terrible. So
what's he going to do?

He's going move in with his sister
in st Anne while he recuperates.

He gets on all right
with her, then, does he?

Not really, but she
lives in a bungalow.

He's in no position to fork
out for a stannah stairlift.

In fact, he's asked me to
buy him a prosthetic leg.

What and a foot?

No just the leg, he's
gonna use his old foot.

Of course it's the foot,
it's the whole thing.

Well, get him the cheapest one 'cause
he stole from my petty cash, remember?

The cheapest one's
just like a wooden peg.

Bloody hell, why don't you just be done
with it and get him a big hat and a parrot.

Poke his eye out.

Right, that's him.

Hey, dude, how's it hanging?

Right, okay. All right, mate.

He's coming up in the morning.

All right, I've some good news

I've had a word with the
missus and it's a go on the limb.

Yeah. Right, well it won't be the most
expensive, I've been online and they cost...

Look, it won't be
the cheapest, right?

Well, that's basically
a wooden peg.

Well, I said, "go the whole hog, give
you a parrot and a hat, poke your eye out!"

Hey, hey, listen, mate, come on.

Hey, no, come on, we're
gonna get through this together.

When you're back on your...

When you come out of hospital, you
and me we're gonna paint the town red.

Yeah? All right, mate, you
get some rest. Yeah? Ta-ta.

Shit.

What?

He was watching
pirates of the Caribbean.