Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

All this relationship stuff, I
find quite tough to talk about.

I'm from a failed marriage
and, you know, um...

I was no day at the beach, but
the chick I tied the knot with, dudes,

she was pretty low.

She was so low she could crawl
under the carpet with a top hat on.

And she was cold. She
was so cold, I remember once

she climbed into the
fridge just to warm up.

And she was aggressive too.

I don't know if you know, she
used to work on a whaling ship

but she didn't like to
use the harpoon gun.

She preferred to dive
in and strangle them.



Sorry, Tommy, are
you just making jokes?

Yes, I'm bored, and I believe
that laughter is the best medicine.

Certainly laughter and
positive thinking are all

an important part of
the recovery process.

Then how come we
never use laughter in here?

Now, hold on. I seem to remember

last week some of you found my
incredible hulk socks rather amusing.

I saw them as a cry for help.

I think you're becoming a bit
passive-aggressive, Tommy.

Um. Anger doesn't have to
be expressed through shouting

or physical violence. There are many
ways. There's sarcasm, for example.

Oh, quelle surprise. I
must try that some time.

I have to say, I think you're
being a bit sarcastic there.

That was the joke.



I think you're

maybe a little bit

angry.

Ah. I think you know that
saying that might make me angry,

but I'm not going to let it because I think
it's all about repeat work for you guys.

'Cause if you said today that we
were all cured, we could go home,

then next week you'd be sat there on
your tod reading the hungry caterpillar

um, with no one to listen to you

or see you do that
thing with your eyebrows.

-He can't help it...
-Shut it!

Let me finish, thanks.

I'm not getting angry. If I
was, you'd know about it

'cause I'd go and get one
of those Israeli bulldozers

and drive it through
this fucking library!

Um, but... But I'm
not... I'm not angry.

I am having a great time.
I'm in a really good mood.

Yeah. [Sighs]

All right, mate?

[Theme music playing]

[Engine starting]

[Engine revs]

What... what's going
on? What's this?

The traders'
association had a vote,

and they said that my window
display was borderline obscene.

You're kidding?

They've got a poster of Lorraine
Kelly using a thighmaster,

and they say your display's
borderline obscene?

You know how careful I
am with my window, Tommy.

I only had that one poster up!
Archbishop of canterbury doing a moonie.

Is that the one where he's
got a firework up his bottom?

Right.

I offered to change
it to a Roman candle.

I don't think the type
of firework's the issue.

Oh, come here, give us a
cuddle, you big cry baby.

You've just got
to fight the system.

That's all. And then smash it. You
know, smash the system, that's what we do.

I'm...

Hello, sir. How are you today?

Yeah...

Great. So, have you
thought about consolidating

all your credit cards into
one low-cost repayment?

No, but I've thought of caning them all
into the red and then faking me own death.

Well, if you sign up today, then your
name would go into a free prize draw,

and you could be
spending two weeks

in our golfing and leisure
resort in fuerteventura.

How does that sound?

How does that sound? Oh, hanging
out with a bunch of conceited golfing twats

talking about their
triannual sales targets...

I think it's going to be a toss-up
between that and licking piss off nettles.

Well, um, if you did sign up today, then
you'd be eligible for a loan of up to £10,000,

and repayments on that would be
interest-free for a whole six months.

Followed by a whole six years with your
curtains drawn and some tattooed bailiff

shouting through your letterbox.

You're telling me you've got a
licence to set up here? I mean...

We're providing a public service
here, but surprise, surprise,

the suits don't like it
because people might stop

hanging about
at golfing resorts.

They might whip off
their pringle sweaters

and start wearing
"embrace the chaos" t-shirts,

and they know that would
mean a shit storm at gleneagles

and they are running scared.

Good afternoon,
everyone, and welcome.

The important thing today is that everybody
has a chance to air their grievances

and that we have, as they say, a
full and frank exchange of ideas.

Um, not too frank, I hope.

Mrs Wilson, would
you like to start?

Janet Wilson, proprietress,
bride be magical.

When young ladies come into my shop, they
should be thinking about their wedding day

and it's very difficult to
create a special atmosphere

for young brides-to-be
when, next to my shop,

there's a poster made up to look
like Delia Smith showing her bottom.

It's hardly magical.

Uh, Tom?

I was going to object to miss wils... Mrs...
Miss... Ms... Mrs... Mrs... Mrs Wilson.

Uh, the title of her shop, uh, bride be
magical, I mean, if we were running the shop,

uh, I'd be tempted, based on
personal experience as a divorcee,

to change the title
from bride be magical

to conceited, self-righteous,

greedy, suburban, small-minded,
curtain-twitching snob...

Be magical.

Yes...

-Martin?
-I just don't think the shop fits in aesthetically.

I mean, a poster of a teletubby pointing
an ak-47 machine gun at a tweenie.

It's not an ak-47, it's a
heckler and koch g36k.

The ak-47, being an abbreviation

of avtomat kalashnikova,
designed in 1947.

Granted it's an icon of
engineering simplicity,

but for close-quarter
work, not very accurate,

which is why the security services,
and, in this case, tinky winky,

favour the heckler and koch.

Is that important?

When you're trying to put
down a moving tweenie,

you don't want to take
out an innocent teletubby

with friendly fire, and those
guys jump around a lot.

The point is there's plenty of
shops that magz and I find offensive,

you know, just don't
make a brouhaha.

What's the, um...

What's the skipping one, you
know, the daft skipping one?

The giant heart,
skipping, you know?

That's the charity shop for
the British heart foundation.

Right, we're done.

-That's the British heart foundation.
-Okay, well,

we're going to reconvene for
the formal hearing on Saturday.

I just don't get it. What's offensive
about the British heart foundation?

Nothing. Nothing. I didn't...

Not that offensive, I didn't realise
it was the British heart foundation.

I made, made, made, made, made,
made, made a... Made a mistake.

-Saxondale: Morning.
-Raymond: Morning.

Positive discrimination.

Where's it all going to end?

Soon enough, if there's an altercation between
a group of "people of restricted growth",

they'll dispatch a squad car with
a couple of uniformed dwarves.

-Do you think so?
-Oh, yeah.

One of them will be sitting on a cushion,
the other one will be working the pedals.

Doors falling off.

Already you've reduced
the intimidation level.

Sounds like a circus.

[Chuckles] It is a
bloody circus, mate.

I tell you, if you
were paying tax,

that's what your money
would be going on.

Politically correct
initiatives with small coppers

throwing buckets of water over
each other to defuse the tension.

Does that really happen?

Virtually, yes. I mean, these days, you know,
if there's a rumpus within an ethnic group,

hm constabulary will dispatch
an officer of the appropriate hue.

Guten morgen, fraumagz.

[Whispering]

-Saxondale: They say women can't be funny, don't they?
-Raymond: Yeah, I suppose.

That is a total crock. Magz
is as funny as any bloke.

-Oh, yeah?
-Always playing pranks.

Like, um, like the one
she did this morning.

What?

Well, I'm fast asleep, and magz
only goes and puts makeup on me.

I had no idea! Did you not see?

Yeah, well, yeah, I... I
did see something but I...

Yeah, well, that... That...
That was the explanation.

-Oh, I'll get her back though.
-What are you going to do?

I don't know. I might walk in wearing
a big pink wig or something, yeah?

Say I've dyed me hair.

Or you could put, like, loads of
makeup on her when she's asleep.

Yeah. Except women
tend to wear makeup

already so that
wouldn't really work.

Yeah, but you could put loads on,
you know, make her look like a slag.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, it's a thought.

Raymond: Wow, nice cars.

Saxondale: You know
whose house this is, don't you?

-Who?
-I'll show you.

-Jerome Wilson.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen him on the telly.

Yeah, he's on the telly, but
celebrities don't like to make a fuss.

You know, just
treat them normally.

I remember I was
backstage with Bonnie Tyler.

She had a laugh
like a geordie docker.

And, er, I said, "Bonnie, who chose
your wardrobe? Stevie wonder?"

She gave that 40-a-day cackle.

I did the same joke with sinead
o'Connor and she sprayed me with mace.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi, pest control? For the mice?

-The very same.
-Eccellente. Shimmy on in, then, gents.

Can I just halt proceedings to doff the
proverbial to the governor re the wheels?

R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

-Yeah, respect.
-Right, yeah, are you an aficionado?

-Got a mustang in the drive.
-Oh, Shelby?

I wish. No, boss
351, '72, tweaked.

Flooring the gas on a tweaked 351, you'll
still put your bowels in your back pocket.

-Tell me about it.
-Shall we hunt some rodent, then, gents?

And I said, "thanks very
much for the"... Cheers, mate.

"Thanks for the offer of the lift," and this
is when I quoted one of your programmes.

I said, "you could be offering
me a ride through central Baghdad

"in a Volvo estate,

"and I'd have to say, I'll walk thanks,
even though I'm wearing me stetson."

Oh yeah, the guys from
Volvo didn't like that one,

so I said, "guys, I feel
really terrible about that.

"Oh, hang on,
I've just got over it."

[Laughing] Eh, eh, eh...

I love that thing where you
go, "ooh no, no, get it away!

"Ooh no, a Nissan micra, get it
away. It's hurting my eyes. Ahhh!"

Tell you where you want to
test-drive a car: The peak district.

All those hairpins and
straights, you know.

More, more, more bumps and
curves than a rubenesque, um...

-It's my spiritual home. The a57.
-What a road.

Not so much a public highway,
more the path to true righteousness.

The snake pass inn?

Ah. Amen, padre.

-Pie preference?
-Shepherd's.

Uh-uh. Steak and ale pie, so good you can
hear the hooves clattering round your colon.

Hmm, and for the digestif, an imperial
measure from the oaken cask. Hmm-mm-mm.

Halshaw's peculiar, room
temperature, thank you very much.

Angelically smooth on the way
down, devilish malty finish on the belch.

What are you doing
a week on Saturday?

Ah, busy. Why?

Ah, it's a bummer. I'm meeting up
with some muscle-car enthusiasts.

You would love the 'stang gang.

Those guys are wild.

Their idea of male grooming is sucking
the barbecue sauce from their beards!

[Laughing]

Tommy, do you want me to...

Yeah, just... Just pack it up.

Ah, that sounds great fun.

Oh, it's a shame. I'll tell you, I'm
shooting this thing for the show.

We're doing a feature on how a
bus causes more pollution than a car.

That'll get the tree-huggers jumping up
and down in their organic wooden clogs.

But surely buses
carry more people?

Ahhh! He's been
brainwashed by Anita roddick.

-Who?
-Anita roddick.

Used to run the body shop,
cares a lot about the environment.

Buses carry more people! Raymond, go
and have a cup of tea made from twigs.

I tell you, actually, have
you been on a bus lately?

Yeah... no, no... Nnn.

Basically, you get happy-slapped
by some youth in a hooded top,

you've got to edge
past the piles of vomit

and all the school kids
playing with their Stanley knives.

That... that is exactly right.

They force you to
uses buses or trains,

and when you do, some
school kid stabs you in the face,

and he gets sent on a bloody holiday
to... To... To Barbados on a luxury yacht,

where he gets fed lobster by social
workers dressed as playboy bunnies.

Meanwhile, you're bleeding to
death and the train's covered in sick...

A... a... a... a...
and the buses!

Um, yeah... Well,
as I say, it's a...

It's a shame it's not this Saturday, because
then I could come to your muscle car thing.

Did you say if it was this
Saturday you could come?

Er... um...

Because the muscle car meet is
this Saturday, it's not a week Saturday.

So you could come.

Ah...

Tommy, he could come.

I think when... Mr
Wilson thinks about it,

he may suddenly remember
he has a prior engagement.

Yeah, I... I have to,
uh, collect some leaves.

Yeah.

-Yeah.
-That's a shame.

-Another time.
-Mm, yeah.

-I'll just, um...
-[Mumbles]

Sorry about that. Sometimes I
just... Uh... Uh... Blow a fuse, yeah.

No, I didn't think that
was at all, um... Strange.

But it's a shame, because I really
do have to... To clear the gutters,

-because we've got someone coming...
-No, no, no, no.

Don't insult me
intelligence, mate.

I do, I really do. I only get one
day off a week. I've got to do it.

You don't clear the leaves.
You get a guy to do it.

And while I'm about it, when
you're talking about cars, don't go,

"ah, ah, ah, it hurts me eyes."

-Just talk about the car.
-Hang on!

The last show you did, you
pushed three suzuki vitara jeeps

out of the back of
a transporter plane,

aiming them at a giant dartboard

that you'd carved into a cornfield
in the oxfordshire countryside.

We were just having a laugh.

Yeah, and I had laugh when I saw it on
the telly, but you know what, afterwards,

I felt a little bit
empty inside.

Check your traps in three days.

What?

Have I got... what is it? Have
I got something on my face?

Yeah. You've got like, um,
like a beard drawn on you.

Oh, god!

Ha ha ha! Hey! Got you back!

Got you back for when you
put women's makeup on me

the other night when
I was fast asleep.

Yeah, you have
got me back as well.

-[Joking] I'll bloody kill you.
-Revenge!

Revenge for, um,
the makeup incident.

Yeah, beard an' all.

I'd better go and wash it off.

Ah, that was a laugh.

Great.

So what do you think
magz will do to you next?

Nothing. [Mumbles]

I think that'll be
the end of it now.

You gotta watch these
things don't escalate.

Magz: Tommy,
it's not coming off!

You've used a permanent marker!

What, am I supposed to go and stand
in the shop looking like bloody Pavarotti?

You don't look like
Pavarotti, you look like...

A lady bee gee. Still
a very popular band.

Do you know what, Raymond?
This whole thing is a setup, right?

There's no practical joke,
he's not getting revenge on me.

I'm not getting revenge on him.

It's all down to the fact
that yesterday morning,

Tommy forgot that he was
still wearing women's makeup

that he'd asked me to put on
him as part of a kinky experiment.

See? I try to help you out
and, as usual, you take it too far.

Ah... i see. They're showing,
um... catch 22on tonight...

She's a bloody liar,

saying I'm wearing makeup...
Kinky... Bloody blah, blah, blah.

When I was a kid, my sisters used to put
makeup on me and dress me up and take me round.

All right, let it go. It's
just a practical joke.

Jesus, you're obsessed.

Saxondale: So everything's
going all right, yeah?

Oh, yeah, my shop window's
blacked out and I'm wearing a beard.

So, uh... Fantastic.

Tell you what, tonight, kick
back, I'll sit through a chick flick

with you and I'll do
you macaroni cheese.

Nope, 'cause you're
in my bad books.

Hmm. Well, I'll tell you what,
we could do a bit of role-play.

We could pretend we're on,
um, a 17th-century galleon

and, uh, you could give me
40 lashes for being naughty.

I could be the cabin
boy, and you could be...

Bluebeard.

Yeah. Far worse than
blackbeard. You know? Scary!

-Piss off!
-No, your beard does have a blue-y tinge.

You always have to
go too far, don't you?

-I'm having a giggle.
-Get out.

I'm trying to cheer
you up, you hairy cow.

Twat.

Hello, sir. How are you today?

Great. Um. Have you ever thought
about consolidating all of your credit...

Not now, dude.

Well, if you did sign up today your name
would go into a draw and you could win...

Do you not remember me?

I'll give you a clue. I was thinking
of licking piss off some nettles.

Yep. And did you?

I'm gonna walk away.

But before I do, I'd like to thank
you for giving me the opportunity

to prove to myself that I don't
have a temper problem. Goodbye.

Yipe!

[Grunts of exertion]

So, we're all happy that
Margaret has very kindly agreed

to remove the poster
of prince Charles

and... and the one of king
Kong in a state of some arousal.

King dong, yeah. I'll put
that at the back of the shop.

Thank you, Margaret. So, if
anyone else has anything to add...

Hold up, dudes...
Er, mr chairmans.

Tommy, actually, we've just...

Please, please,
dude... Mr chairman.

Mr other chairman and...
This woman on the side.

I... i know I'm late and I... I... I hear
you, I've just gotta say me piece.

I spent all night writing this.

25 pages.

Uh...

Nelson Mandela,

Abraham Lincoln, Ken
dodd... Yeah, even he's in there.

I read it this morning
and I just thought...

It's too long.
It's just too long.

So I condensed it into a
more concise three pages.

I was going to start
rather grandly by

talking about freedom of
speech and censorship.

Nah.

I'm going to start by telling you a story
about a young lad, bit of a tearaway,

a bit rebellious, a
bit of a loose Cannon.

People were always
telling him, "settle down!

"Do as you're told! Don't challenge
the authority! Don't rock the boat!

"Don't smash the system."

He didn't listen.

He did his own thing.

They said, "he won't
amount to anything."

You might be surprised to know

that that man

went on to become

sid vicious.

And although he died at the tender
age of 21 from a heroin overdose,

having possibly
murdered his girlfriend...

I don't think that detracts from
the fact that, you know, it shows that

a certain amount of scepticism
towards authority can be beneficial,

you know, in small measures
obviously, not... You know...

I should have cut this from the
second draft, I knew I should.

I should have gone
with Martin Luther King.

I was writing it and I had mtv on
and I had one eye on pimp my ride.

They were putting mohair all over
the place and it sort of got all punky.

You know, just... it's amazing
what they did, actually.

They had this guy
with a Ford pinto.

They had a snooker table just popped
out of the boot. You know, not full size.

What has this got to do with a poster
of prince Charles lighting his farts?

What...

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

And yet everything!

There's a direct link
between Rosa Parks on a bus

in Montgomery,
Alabama, in the 1950s...

Who stood up against a white man

by refusing to stand
up for... a white man.

The point is, there's a
direct link between that

a single act of
civil disobedience,

and a little shop

in stevenage

that sells a t-shirt

that says on the front...

"I'm not as think...

-[Mouthing along with him]
-"...As you drunk I am."

"I'm not as think
as you drunk I am."

And if you...

If you can't

see that, if you can't make
that spiritual connection,

then,

my friend...

You are a dick.

And what is more...

No, no, no, you're just a dick.

[Sighs]

[Exhales]

[Clapping]

Uh.

[Engines revving]
[People chattering]

American man: It's a
mach 1, not a mock mach 1?

Yeah, it's a mach
1. Pulled the engine.

-Blueprint and balanced?
-Put in a high flow.

-Toss the air cleaner?
-Day one.

-Exhaust ports?
-Exhaust ports polished.

It's got a high-output
coil, yadda yadda.

So you pulled the
intake manifold?

Yup. Fired in an
offy 360 flow to boot.

[Scoffs] Well, that's fine if you're gonna
take your grandma to the grocery store,

but you know, if you
want some real power,

you've got to put a
holley under this bad boy.

Nah... you know, no, no.

I'm serious, you get yourself a
holley four bore on the end of this thing,

put a holley strip dominator
underneath it, you add a double pumper...

Better yet, get
yourself a spread bore.

You've got those
massive secondaries

so when you stomp
down on the accelerator,

the whole thing just
launches right out of the hole.

-Yeah...
-Better yet, get yourself a nitrous oxide system,

put a burst plate
underneath that holley,

so when you hit that button,

four seconds burst in that thing, thing'll
snap your head clean off your shoulders.

Yeah...

Nah... nah... nah...
yeah, maybe. Uh...

No, I'm... I'm... I'm more
into the art of motoring. Yeah.

-Probably a cultural thing.
-Yeah. Well...

Anyway, I... I...
I've got to mingle.

Um, being, um, treasurer of the
association carries responsibilities.

Right, right.

So, um, catch you later.

Yeah, see you round.

[Engine revs]

Hi! Tommy!

What are you doing here?

Well, I finished
early this morning.

I thought I better leg
it over here pronto.

Felt a bit of a shit-heel
about the other day.

Sorry about all that. I've got
a bit of an itchy trigger-finger.

I'm trying to keep a lid on it.

A bit of shrapnel
in the friendly fire.

Now, that, I find offensive.

But my wife would find it bloody
hilarious. I'll take 12 of them.

[Laughing]

She's always saying,
the way I carry on,

I'm going to end up on a bloody
mug shot one of these days.

Oh, great! Great, great, great!

Hey, what say you and me, uh,

get ourselves a flagon of the
foaming down the old oesophagus?

Ooh, you read my mind.

I'll take a pint of old swikes
before the eu bans the stuff.

Ha ha, lovely stuff. Let
me get you your t-shirts.

I'll get it.

-No, no.
-No, it's fine. I'll get them.

No... no. Please...
Don't turn around.

Now, that I do find offensive.

-But your wife...
-Would also find that pretty offensive.

[Laughs] You... you should've
seen what it said originally.

Ah, it wasn't "dick".

[Laughs] It was a four-letter
word, but it was not "dick".

So what did it say? What
did you, what did you call me?

Fool?

It wasn't "fool".

Your, uh, t-shirts.

Twelve, um...