Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Alistair: The essence of which is,
we can never really hate someone

without first having loved
them, or at least cared for them.

-Sometimes, I think our...
-[Beeping]

frustration is borne
out of a confusion,

there's a confusion

in the way that the things that
we love and the things that we hate

-are often linked...
-[Beeping]

Tommy, do you have any feedback?

-Sure. Um, yeah, sure.
-[Watch beeping]

The notion that "anger" per se

is a bad thing,



I would say, respectfully, is...

Horseshit.

If general MacArthur's
reaction to Pearl harbor

had been to go and find a quiet
place and do some deep breathing

you would be goose-stepping
into this meeting today,

and there'd be a great
big eagle on the wall.

Okay...

Do you want to talk about
love and hate, maybe,

because
understandably, I think...

There can be some confusion.

I don't think there
is any confusion.

Because the things I love and
hate couldn't be more different.

I love my daughter,

I love my mustang,



my girlfriend,

and I love the way eno can
paint a picture with music,

descending arpeggios,

rather reminiscent of
falling Autumn leaves,

but, I fucking hate my ex-wife,

and that may change, but right
now it is my modus operandi.

I'm going to leave now.

For two reasons:

One, I don't want
to lose my temper,

which I think you'll agree
shows some growth.

And two, this
clown's just let one go.

Don't deny it.

Tommy.

Tommy...

If I come back, I may
have a pop at you.

[Theme music playing]

[Engine starting]

[Engine revs]

Hello, stealth pest
control, Tommy speaking.

Yes, we deal all manner
of rodents, birds, insects.

Basically, if it's sharing your
house and it's not paying rent,

you've got the right number.

No, fumigation is a last resort.

We only go nuclear
once we've exhausted

the diplomatic
process, as it were,

and we don't need kofi
annan to give us the nod.

Yeah, well, you know why they never
found any weapons of mass destruction?

Because I've got them
all in the back of the Van.

Do you mind holding fire, I've got a
call on the other line. Two ticks, love.

-[Beeping]
-Hello?

You left me with
no choice, dude.

Hard nose or the highway. No more
encores, exit stage left, houselights up...

I don't care how
late you were up,

it's your responsibility
to be there on time.

Yeah, all right. One word...

"Immaturity".

Yeah, yadda yadda yadda,
and your mother's a cock.

-[Beeping]
-Hello?

Sorry about that,
love. Where are you?

Letchworth?

That's not, strictly
speaking, our area.

What you wanna do is
call the four horsemen,

and ask to speak to Greg.

Smashing bloke, looks a bit like the
paedophile from chitty chitty bang bang.

No! No! God, no!
Couldn't be more different.

Nice as pie.

All right, love. See you.

You're a free man.

-What's that?
-Decree absolute.

Bloody hell! So technically,
we're not having an affair any more.

No, Tommy, technically,
it's a relationship.

Well, that's no fun.

You better get the
nurse's uniform out.

-Hmm, don't think it will fit you any more.
-Tee hee.

Hardly fits you. You can't
let the seams out much more.

Don't know. Might be fun
when the stitches start going.

[Chuckles] Stroll on, flex
those thigh-muscles and let rip,

like an erotic little hulk!

-Come here, you sexy cow.
-How was your meeting?

-Did you keep your head?
-Left before I lost it.

Ooh, mr smooth.

Just gave that a-hole
sneggy the heave, kept it cool.

By the way,

that sex last night
was fantastic.

I went off like krakatoa.

Did you come?

-No.
-Right, well, I owe you one.

I'll put it on the slate.

Eh, don't be cheeky. You're
not too big to go over my knee...

Actually I take that back.

So how did you sack sneggy?

I just laid it on
the line, didn't I?

Told it like it was.

He said he'd been up
late, had a bit of a smoke,

and thought I'd understand,
said I'd gone all corporate.

I said, "listen,
you bloody dildo.

"I was sinking yards of
ale with John bonham

"and hoovering up furlongs
of the devil's dandruff,

"with Lucifer Reed."
As I used to call him.

"And changing the fuse
on Peter frampton's vocoder

"while you were shitting rusks".

I still managed to be on a tour bus at
8 A.M., courtesy of a hearty breakfast

in the shape of mr Jim beam.

-So what did he say?
-What could he say?

-Yeah, what did he say?
-The usual, yadda yadda,

"I'm going to open a
key cutter's". Dream on.

Iggy pop...

Mr osterberg to those of us
who kept his show on the road.

One of the craziest sons of
bitches to ever take the Mike,

but when it came to running a
schedule, you set your watch by the guy.

No, as I said, there's keeping a
crowd waiting in an anticipation.

And there's taking the piss.

And in that
category, I'd put you...

The proclaimers, Roberta
flack, and siouxsie...

But not the banshees, they were
very punctual, but what could they do?

-Go out on their own?
-Bill.

And the one-armed
drummer from def leppard.

We're gonna have
to cut back a bit.

At least he had an excuse,

although he did used
to milk it sometimes.

I'll have a word with Vicky.

She said there's a
five-grand problem-solving job

-coming up at the car pound.
-Brilliant.

Pigeons lining themselves up on the rsjs.
Staring people out, playing with their heads.

Okay, and I've had an idea,
I'm thinking of doing a run of 50,

I know it's a bit of a gamble.

-What do you think?
-Let's have a butchers.

[Sighing]

Yeah, yeah...

I wouldn't wear it
myself, but um...

It wouldn't be good
for me business-wise.

But a young lad,
bit of attitude...

Yeah. Totally.

And I said, "yeah, I'll do that
for you, no problem. Yeah.

"I would be...

[Whispering] Tommy, one minute.

[Continues on phone] "I would
be happy to do that for you."

Not trying to talk to
you, just looking at this.

"I would be happy to do that
for you any day of the week

"that doesn't have a 'y' in it."

I'll speak to you later...
All right, then, babes, bye.

All right, Vicky?
What's occurring?

You come to see what's up for grabs,
yeah? Let's have a look, shall we?

What about the job at the
car pound, that pigeon shoot?

Ooh, no, you don't
want that one, love, no.

The animal rights lot
are always down there.

They chased away
the last pest controller.

Harassed by the
vegemite brigade.

Ooh, scary. They might
throw their sandals at me.

Yeah... well, there's been no decision
on that one yet, Tommy, all right?

So where's old sneggy today?

Mr sneggs is no longer an
employee of stealth pest control.

Oh, dear, do you know what though,
I knew that was going to happen.

Did you? You
should have told me.

-I wouldn't have had to pay him in advance.
-I did.

I just knew that he was the kind of
guy who needed something challenging.

Yeah?

He was not a daft bloke really,

got a big future ahead
of him, that sneggy.

It's a shame, though, 'cause
he was the funniest guy.

Yeah, well, them's the breaks.

So any idea when the decision on
this pigeon shit might come through?

All in good time,
Tommy. Chill out.

Lighten up. Have a snack a
Jack, have you tried them?

No, I haven't. I don't want one.

Anyway, look, that car
pound job is a two-man job.

I couldn't let you have
it without an assistant.

I've got one. Got a new guy.

Ooh, have you? You're a
quick worker, aren't you?

So magz keeps telling us,
mr in and out! [Chuckling]

Don't take any notice of me. So
how is magz anyway, is she all right?

She's all right.
Busy with the t-shirts.

Aw. She's a such
a trooper, isn't she?

I'll tell you what, the great thing
about magz is she's so bubbly.

Quite often are, aren't they?

She never complains, does
she? No, she just gets on with it.

Well, yeah, she hasn't got
that much to complain about.

Know what? I'll tell you who I
bumped into the other day. Your ex-wife.

I know! I tell you what,
though. She's lost a lot of weight.

She looked fantastic. I said to
her, I said, "you must be in love."

I'll call you about the
pigeon shoot tomorrow.

Oh. Don't say bye, will ya?

Gents.

I'm only the mug that's
got to drive this thing.

Anthropomorphosising...

Do you know what it means?

-No.
-Shall I tell you?

Yes. Okay, then.

The projecting of
human form or personality

onto animals.

It's how Walt Disney
made his stash.

Fair play to the guy.

You get called to an
office. Cockroaches.

You put down a roach
motel, two of them wander in.

Lethal spray. Endgame.

Uh-uh.

Some of the secretaries have put
two of them in a jar, given them names.

Norman and Sheila.
Heart-warming.

Your responsibility is to
neutralise a threat to public health,

but now you've got three
middle-aged administrative staff

standing between you and
your objective. What do you do?

Well, it's a difficult
decision, I suppose.

Major part of the job, ethical
dilemmas. Clock's ticking.

-Uh, well...
-No one there to help you.

I'm laying down flea powder at
regency carpets. Non-contactable.

Well, if that's what they
want in their own office...

I don't care if they've
chosen the godparents,

if there are hazardous
substances in the public domain,

we will deploy.

If you want to make friends,
go work for mr Disney.

So... What do you
do outside work?

What's your, er, "thang"?

I love cinema, going out with
my mates, at weekends and that.

A mate of mine's a dj.

I help with the gear,
we have a good laugh.

Plenty of moolah in
the old dj-ing game.

If people aren't having
birthdays, they're getting married.

So, you're never going
to be short of a gig.

No, no, he wouldn't
touch any of that stuff.

He does all-nighters,

he's getting really good, he's
done creamfields trance stage

and he's starting to get
bookings for ayia napa.

I call him the next oakenfold.

I think this is more
than another job.

It is an opportunity
that's there to be grabbed.

I think with all the training,
experience, if you want to,

if you're ambitious, and driven, you wanna
strike out on your own in a few years,

that's fine with me, dude.

You know, it's a
career for life, if you...

If, you know...

I'll be honest. I was
expecting somebody younger.

A lot of people think it's
all about animal behaviour.

If you gen up on the biology you'll be
able to do the job, yadda yadda yadda.

Anthropomorphosising?

It's a fascinating area.

And of course it could be argued that
it was primarily a religious imperative

before it became a secular one.

Perceiving god as an old man,
in the image of the human being.

Yeah, to be fair,
it's a hot potato.

I mean, you know
whichever way you look at it.

I think the important thing is
not to confuse the theoretical

with the practical.

Well, I don't really see
a huge contradiction.

This is why I really
want to do this job.

Practical hands-on work.

My mate Adam's on the
third year, he's likes lorenz,

whereas I'm into mendel really,
and you get some really great debate.

I don't know where you
stand on inheritance theory?

It's all right.

Welcome to the
batcave. Grab a pew.

Nice t-shirt by the
way. Any outfit that can

acknowledge its debt
to iommi's fretwork

displays a knowledge of history
and a respect for their elders.

Oh, right.

I see you work for
warburton's, the bread guys.

What's the story?

I got the sack because
they found vomit in

the storeroom and I got the blame,
'cause I'd been out the night before.

It wasn't me, it was the
special-needs lad on work experience,

but I didn't say anything because he
couldn't help it. He had a spastic stomach.

You took one for the team,
kiddo, no shame in that.

Especially a guy with a
retarded stomach. [Exhales]

Uh...

Anthropomorphosising?

It's not important.

How are you on
American muscle cars?

-They're pretty cool, some of them.
-Any particular favourite?

-Yeah, the trans am.
-Ooh, you should have said mustang.

But don't worry, it won't count
against you in the final decision.

-Okay, wicked.
-Although using the word "wicked" might.

Oh...

Cool your jets, kiddo,
I'm just yankin' your chain.

-Cash in hand, all right?
-Yeah.

I don't think we need to
involve the suits or the majesties.

I've forked out for enough
royal weddings, thank you.

Let's say 180 a week,

rising to a big fat 200.

-Sounds good.
-Right, there are benefits,

transport's provided, you're
welcome to ride shotgun in the rascal.

Lunch is inclusive... Cheese
and pickle, mighty white.

And you'll be provided with a brand
new company Polo shirt which you are

welcome to wear outside of work,
as it only benefits the company.

-It's PR.
-Precisely.

-When I was at warburton's they told us about PR.
-Great.

You may occasionally be
asked to work additional hours,

although I dare say the
company will stretch to

a cold bud or two by
way of recompense.

-Sounds good.
-Great. Welcome to the team.

Who else is working here?

It's just you and me.
Keep it lean and mean.

We're gonna be clocking up
quite a few hours in the rascal,

but I've fitted a
blaupunkt system

so if you've got any sounds,
please bring 'em along.

-Will do.
-No dance bollocks.

If I wanna hear
electronic bleeps and farts,

I'll put my foot through the
windscreen of the rascal.

And listen to the
alarm going off.

[Farting]

-Ooh! New shoes!
-[Both laughing]

Come and meet the missus.

Raymond, this is
magz, the little old lady.

What does that make you then?
I've seen ball-bags with less wrinkles.

-I have to put up with this.
-Magz: Can I get you a beer, Raymond?

Yeah, please.

-Need I ask?
-No. You need not.

It was like this from the off.

I was married for about 20
years and that went tits up.

I thought, "I can sit here and
blub like a babby or hit the road."

I took the 'stang down
to the chilterns fm festival.

Well, summer fete,

to do the sound for their sweet
dreams and blue jeans tent.

When in walks this
goddess in a Pearl jam t-shirt.

-Tommy, where did you put the beer?
-Shh, she's back.

I'll tell you though,

the first time we met, you clocked the
"access-crew" stickers on my cable box,

-knebworth '79.
-And I go, "wow, you were there?"

I said, "yeah, only a two-day
hire assisting page's guitar tech.

"Seeing as you asked."

-Jimmy page?
-Yeah.

I said, "listen, babe, I'm
taking the 2k bass-bin

"down to the bon jovi
convention in Bury st edmunds.

-"Split the petrol?"
-He asked me split the petrol.

So? Then I offered her a
slug of my Jack and coke.

And he said, "if you
love me, you'll swallow it."

-You never did.
-Afraid I did. Cuff me.

I'd only just met him and all.

She just sprays the
lot over my mixing desk,

and damn near pisses herself.

I said, "you cheeky git,

"I'll spit this time, but take us out in
your mustang and maybe I'll think about it!"

[Chuckling]

Seriously though, it is
refreshing to meet a lady

who'll keep the politics
out of having a good time.

You rock my world.

You rock my world too.

[Growls quietly]

What do you do, magz?

Um, I've got a shop.

And I sell t-shirts and posters.

And do my own
designs, that kind of thing.

Wild stuff. Really wild stuff.

She's got this one, that's
got like a nun smoking a joint.

Outrageous.

There's another one...

Both: Mona Lisa.

-Sucking on a big fat number. Really, er...
-[Chuckling]

-What's the other one?
-And the policeman.

-What's he doing?
-He's smoking a joint.

Basically, loads of people you would never
expect in a million years to be toking.

What's the shop called?

Both: It's called
smash the system.

It's in the westgate centre,
next to Clinton cards.

Okay.

So where's these beers, then?

Under the stairs.

That's a nice car, that.

Oh, yeah, there's a story about that,
it was on display at the hitchin meet.

Tommy, where
is it? I can't find it!

It's next to your thigh-length
boots, under your nipple clamps.

Oh, I got it. It was in
front of the strap-on dildo.

So is that the one Steve
McQueen used in bullitt?

Spot on. Go to
the top of the class.

'68 fastback. You know magz
just mentioned the strap-on dildo.

We don't have one of those.

-She seems like a good laugh.
-Yeah. When can you start?

I don't know. I'm looking for
accommodation at the moment.

I was hoping you
could start straight away.

-Well, he can stay in the box room.
-Perfect.

Oh, I kind of wanted
my own place, really.

You can't afford a
flat, not on your wages!

Oh...

Finding your bearings, kiddo?

Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah.

If any of those posters bother you,
just take them down, swap them.

Plenty in the box surplus.

Magz can't shift them. Kitten in a
Brandy glass. Monkey in a sailor suit.

Ronan keating in his
trunks. You get the picture.

You got a special lady in
your life at the moment?

-No.
-No worries.

Until one comes along, you
can amuse yourself with that lot.

That's authentic '70s
Danish material. Rodox.

Quite collectable, actually.

All fairly hirsute by today's
standards, but all the bumps

and curves are
in the right places.

Oh, okay, thanks.

Now I don't want you
worrying about rent. All right?

So I thought if I hit
you for 50 at source,

then the ton-thirty you've got
left is safe. That's yours totally,

subject to magz's
deductions for meals,

bed linen, et al.

If you wanna throw your money
around at the chippy, it's your call, dude.

At warburtons, there was a chippy next
door, and we ended up going there every day.

Well, that can eat
into your profit margin.

I'd advise you to eat
with myself and magz.

I always say she does
a great toad in the hole.

And I'm not a bad cook either.

I know. I was saying that.
And she's not a bad cook either.

I'll leave you in the capable
hands of miss Copenhagen 1975.

Fill your boots.
And if I can quote

the legendary command
at rorke's drift, "fire at will."

By the way,

one of them looks like magz.

It's not her.

She wouldn't do
anything like that.

I'll be happy to do that for you any day
of the week that doesn't have a "y" in it.

I know, darling. Tell me about it. I
know. Just remember, sweetheart,

what do they call the...
[Whispering] One minute.

-Just remember, sweetheart.
-Not trying to speak to her.

What do they call that useless
bit of skin on the end of a penis?

A man, yeah.

I know.

Well, I got loads more
where that came from.

Friday night, you'll hear
the lot. Yeah. Me too.

-All right, darling. Speak to you then.
-All right, Vicky?

-Any word on that pigeon job?
-Who've you got here then, eh?

Don't be shy. I don't bite.

-Not unless I'm asked very nicely!
-[Both chuckling]

Raymond, the new recruit.

Hello, Raymond. So, have you heard
enough about the music business yet?

In the 1970s?
Don't worry, you will.

So any news on that pigeon job?

Oh, listen to us, we shouldn't
really, should we, he's not that bad.

Has there been a
decision on the pigeon job?

Blimey, calm down, Tommy, love, I
was just saying hello to the new recruit.

Haven't you ever heard
of the slow build-up.

Not according to
magz, he hasn't!

[Both laughing]

Oh, listen to us. We
shouldn't, really, should we?

We're only kidding,
Tommy, aren't we?

It doesn't bother me the...
doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Raymond, would you
wait in the Van, please?

It's technically illegal
to leave it unattended

when there's hazardous
chemicals on board.

Blimey, Tommy, new regime
already? I knew that was gonna happen.

You should play the lottery,
Vicky, you really should.

If you had a pound for every time you
knew something was going to happen...

-What? What would I be doing?
-Well, you wouldn't be

sub-contracting work for the
pest control industry, that's for sure.

You'd probably be sitting in
a karaoke bar in fuengirola.

And when, um, Rodriguez
comes in and spills your

strawberry daiquiri all down
your top, all down your boob tube,

you'll be able to say "I knew
that was going to happen."

-[Thud]
-Ow!

Me bad knee!

Do you know
something, you're orange!

You're... [stutters]
Physically orange.

You could work for the
phone company... Orange!

Tommy, you've lost your temper.

Well, why do you
muck about like that?

You know I'm the nearest independent
operator, I've got a rifle licence.

Well, if it's about the
job, why didn't you say?

I did say!

Blimey, Tommy, no need to lose
your temper, if it's just about the job.

-If you want the job, just ask.
-You know perfectly well

-I want that job.
-Fine it's yours, have the job.

I was just trying to be
sociable, just having a little chat.

Honestly, Tommy darling,
you need to control your temper.

I know.

She makes me laugh.

She just makes me laugh.

Yeah, she does seem
like a good laugh.

No, not intentionally.
Bloody hell.

Get some sounds on.

[Music playing]

Okay, I'll run through
this one more time.

I want you to assess the
perimeter. In the event of a sighting,

you will make radio contact
and say, "infestation located."

-Is that clear?
-Yes.

Spread out.

What you doing?

I'm going this way.

Raymond, progress report?

[Over walkie-talkie]
Yeah, I can't see any.

Infestation not located?

No, me neither.

No, that's what you say.

Oh, okay.

Well, say it, then.

Right. Infestation not located.

[Whispering] Jesus Christ.

[Exhaling]

Infestation located, please make
yourself visible to the weapons operator.

Jesus Christ.

-Please ensure...
-[Feedback whining]

Please ensure that you are
directly... just stand behind me.

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

-Tommy?
-I took no pleasure in that. It's an act of mercy.

Tommy, there's a
lady here to see you.

Hi. Sorry to bother you. There are
some animal rights protesters outside.

I'm not sure what to do.

Not a problem.

Just have to talk to them.

Come down to their level, show
them you're not on a power trip.

Rifle.

Yeah, um...

Good work with
the net, by the way.

We try to take
them alive, but...

It's not always possible.

Here we go.

Drop the net, take the gun.

Point it down.

All right, people,
what's occurring?

Oh, look, g.I. Joe.

-Do you like playing soldiers, do you, mate?
-[Chuckling]

The hat protects me from guano and the protective
specs are for shrapnel from air pellets.

You wanna be careful with
that, have someone's eye out.

If you enjoy killing so much,
why don't you join the army?

-Don't like the hours.
-Listen to me, it ain't fair.

Shooting pigeons. I mean,
they ain't got a gun, have they?

Well, I don't have wings and I
don't shit on other people's property.

Well, you do daft things
as a student, don't you?

What if I decided that you needed
culling? Eh? What's the difference then?

Well, if you don't let
me make the point,

it is very difficult
to clarify something.

-You just wave that knife around.
-Is it? Go away.

-[Fabric ripping]
-Ouch.

Oh, that's interesting.

-What?
-I am now legally

entitled to use reasonable
force in proportionate response.

What does that mean?

-Oh, fuck.
-Well, just that I suppose.

-Anybody else want to ask me what that means?
-[Groans]

Hucknall?

Have any of you ever
actually had to pay rent?

Ooh... feel the silence.

And you can stop whining. I could
have used the high-velocity rifle.

Call me ming the merciful.

You'll have a bit of bruising, for a couple
of days, pop some calamine lotion on it,

and in the words of
verhoeven's robocop,

"stay out of trouble,
and my face."

And don't bother bearing false
witnesses. You're on cctv. Smile.

One love.

Give me the gun. Take the net.

Magz... I've done it again.