Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - Richard Benjamin, Paula Prentiss/The Grateful Dead - full transcript

Announcer: POLICE BOAT WILL
BE SEEN HALF AN HOUR LATER THAN
USUAL TONIGHT SO THAT WE COULD

BE SEEN HALF AN HOUR LATER THAN
USUAL TONIGHT SO THAT WE COULD
BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

USUAL TONIGHT SO THAT WE COULD
BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL
REPORT.

BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL
REPORT.
Man: PRESIDENT CARTER READ

REPORT.
Man: PRESIDENT CARTER READ
ALL THE MAJOR NEWSPAPERS TODAY.

Man: PRESIDENT CARTER READ
ALL THE MAJOR NEWSPAPERS TODAY.
HE ALSO WATCHED TELEVISION

ALL THE MAJOR NEWSPAPERS TODAY.
HE ALSO WATCHED TELEVISION
COVERAGE OF THE GREATER HARTFORD

HE ALSO WATCHED TELEVISION
COVERAGE OF THE GREATER HARTFORD
OPEN GOLF TOURNAMENT AND

COVERAGE OF THE GREATER HARTFORD
OPEN GOLF TOURNAMENT AND
TELEPHONED HIS CONGRATULATIONS

OPEN GOLF TOURNAMENT AND
TELEPHONED HIS CONGRATULATIONS
TO THE TOP FIVE PLAYERS

TELEPHONED HIS CONGRATULATIONS
TO THE TOP FIVE PLAYERS
ON THE LEADER BOARD.



TO THE TOP FIVE PLAYERS
ON THE LEADER BOARD.
LATE TONIGHT, HE, HIS WIFE, AND

ON THE LEADER BOARD.
LATE TONIGHT, HE, HIS WIFE, AND
DAUGHTER HAD A DINNER OF

LATE TONIGHT, HE, HIS WIFE, AND
DAUGHTER HAD A DINNER OF
SPARE RIBS AND PEAS.

DAUGHTER HAD A DINNER OF
SPARE RIBS AND PEAS.
THE ONLY THING THE CHIEF

SPARE RIBS AND PEAS.
THE ONLY THING THE CHIEF
EXECUTIVE COULDN'T DO TODAY

THE ONLY THING THE CHIEF
EXECUTIVE COULDN'T DO TODAY
WAS LEAVE HIS HOUSE.

EXECUTIVE COULDN'T DO TODAY
WAS LEAVE HIS HOUSE.
IT WAS ANOTHER QUIET DAY FOR

WAS LEAVE HIS HOUSE.
IT WAS ANOTHER QUIET DAY FOR
JAMES EARL CARTER INSIDE

IT WAS ANOTHER QUIET DAY FOR
JAMES EARL CARTER INSIDE
THE PLUSHEST PRISON IN THE

JAMES EARL CARTER INSIDE
THE PLUSHEST PRISON IN THE
WORLD... THE WHITE HOUSE.

Announcer: THIS IS A SPECIAL

REPORT.

CARTER HELD HOSTAGE,
DAY 154.

DAY 154.
HERE IS FRANK REYNOLDS.



HERE IS FRANK REYNOLDS.
[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING.
22 WEEKS AGO, PRESIDENT CARTER

GOOD EVENING.
22 WEEKS AGO, PRESIDENT CARTER
PLEDGED THAT HE WOULD NOT

22 WEEKS AGO, PRESIDENT CARTER
PLEDGED THAT HE WOULD NOT
SET FOOT OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE

PLEDGED THAT HE WOULD NOT
SET FOOT OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
UNTIL THE IRAN CRISIS WAS

SET FOOT OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
UNTIL THE IRAN CRISIS WAS
SETTLED.

UNTIL THE IRAN CRISIS WAS
SETTLED.
SO, THIS WEEK JIMMY CARTER

SETTLED.
SO, THIS WEEK JIMMY CARTER
REMAINED TRAPPED IN WHAT

SO, THIS WEEK JIMMY CARTER
REMAINED TRAPPED IN WHAT
RICHARD NIXON ONCE CALLED

REMAINED TRAPPED IN WHAT
RICHARD NIXON ONCE CALLED
"THE LONELIEST PLACE IN THE

RICHARD NIXON ONCE CALLED
"THE LONELIEST PLACE IN THE
WORLD ASIDE FROM MY BEDROOM".

"THE LONELIEST PLACE IN THE
WORLD ASIDE FROM MY BEDROOM".
HOW IS THE SPIRIT OF THIS

WORLD ASIDE FROM MY BEDROOM".
HOW IS THE SPIRIT OF THIS
NATION'S NUMBER ONE HOSTAGE?

HOW IS THE SPIRIT OF THIS
NATION'S NUMBER ONE HOSTAGE?
WELL, LET'S TALK FIRST TONIGHT

NATION'S NUMBER ONE HOSTAGE?
WELL, LET'S TALK FIRST TONIGHT
TO ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE

WELL, LET'S TALK FIRST TONIGHT
TO ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE
ACTUALLY SEEN THE PRESIDENT

TO ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE
ACTUALLY SEEN THE PRESIDENT
DURING HIS ORDEAL... CITY

ACTUALLY SEEN THE PRESIDENT
DURING HIS ORDEAL... CITY
COUNCILMAN DANIEL LEAHY

DURING HIS ORDEAL... CITY
COUNCILMAN DANIEL LEAHY
FROM PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA

COUNCILMAN DANIEL LEAHY
FROM PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA
WAS ALLOWED TO ENTER THE WHITE

FROM PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA
WAS ALLOWED TO ENTER THE WHITE
HOUSE AND HAVE CONTACT WITH THE

WAS ALLOWED TO ENTER THE WHITE
HOUSE AND HAVE CONTACT WITH THE
PRESIDENT ON CONDITION THAT HE

HOUSE AND HAVE CONTACT WITH THE
PRESIDENT ON CONDITION THAT HE
NOT TALK ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE

PRESIDENT ON CONDITION THAT HE
NOT TALK ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE
TO THE PRESS.

NOT TALK ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE
TO THE PRESS.
HE AGREED TO SPEAK WITH US

TO THE PRESS.
HE AGREED TO SPEAK WITH US
TONIGHT ONLY AFTER WE PROMISED

HE AGREED TO SPEAK WITH US
TONIGHT ONLY AFTER WE PROMISED
NOT TO TELL THE GOVERNMENT.

TONIGHT ONLY AFTER WE PROMISED
NOT TO TELL THE GOVERNMENT.
MR. LEAHY, HOW WOULD YOU

NOT TO TELL THE GOVERNMENT.
MR. LEAHY, HOW WOULD YOU
DESCRIBE MR. CARTER'S CONDITION?

MR. LEAHY, HOW WOULD YOU
DESCRIBE MR. CARTER'S CONDITION?
OH, HE WAS OBVIOUSLY TIRED.

DESCRIBE MR. CARTER'S CONDITION?
OH, HE WAS OBVIOUSLY TIRED.
HE'D BEEN PLAYING SCRABBLE

OH, HE WAS OBVIOUSLY TIRED.
HE'D BEEN PLAYING SCRABBLE
WITH HIS DAUGHTER, AND I BELIEVE

HE'D BEEN PLAYING SCRABBLE
WITH HIS DAUGHTER, AND I BELIEVE
SHE HAD BEATEN HIM THREE GAMES

WITH HIS DAUGHTER, AND I BELIEVE
SHE HAD BEATEN HIM THREE GAMES
OUT OF FIVE.

SHE HAD BEATEN HIM THREE GAMES
OUT OF FIVE.
I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ANY

OUT OF FIVE.
I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ANY
MESSAGES FOR PEOPLE BACK

I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ANY
MESSAGES FOR PEOPLE BACK
IN PITTSBURGH AND HE SAID THAT

MESSAGES FOR PEOPLE BACK
IN PITTSBURGH AND HE SAID THAT
HE HAD CALLED THE STEELERS WHEN

IN PITTSBURGH AND HE SAID THAT
HE HAD CALLED THE STEELERS WHEN
THEY WON THE SUPER BOWL AND THE

HE HAD CALLED THE STEELERS WHEN
THEY WON THE SUPER BOWL AND THE
PIRATES HADN'T BEGUN THEIR

THEY WON THE SUPER BOWL AND THE
PIRATES HADN'T BEGUN THEIR
SEASON YET.

PIRATES HADN'T BEGUN THEIR
SEASON YET.
AND HE COULDN'T THINK OF

SEASON YET.
AND HE COULDN'T THINK OF
ANYBODY ELSE SPECIFIC.

AND HE COULDN'T THINK OF
ANYBODY ELSE SPECIFIC.
YOU DIDN'T BRING UP

ANYBODY ELSE SPECIFIC.
YOU DIDN'T BRING UP
THE PENGUINS, THE HOCKEY TEAM?

YOU DIDN'T BRING UP
THE PENGUINS, THE HOCKEY TEAM?
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS

THE PENGUINS, THE HOCKEY TEAM?
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS
APPROPRIATE.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS
APPROPRIATE.
THEN HE SAID HE HOPED THAT

APPROPRIATE.
THEN HE SAID HE HOPED THAT
ALL THE DEMOCRATS WOULD REMEMBER

THEN HE SAID HE HOPED THAT
ALL THE DEMOCRATS WOULD REMEMBER
HIM COME PRIMARY DAY.

ALL THE DEMOCRATS WOULD REMEMBER
HIM COME PRIMARY DAY.
REMEMBER HIM.

HIM COME PRIMARY DAY.
REMEMBER HIM.
AND HE ASKED ME IF I THOUGHT

REMEMBER HIM.
AND HE ASKED ME IF I THOUGHT
PITTSBURGH COULD USE A NEW DAM

AND HE ASKED ME IF I THOUGHT
PITTSBURGH COULD USE A NEW DAM
OR A POST OFFICE AND I SAID

PITTSBURGH COULD USE A NEW DAM
OR A POST OFFICE AND I SAID
WELL, QUITE POSSIBLY, AND KIND

OR A POST OFFICE AND I SAID
WELL, QUITE POSSIBLY, AND KIND
OF AS A JOKE I SAID,

WELL, QUITE POSSIBLY, AND KIND
OF AS A JOKE I SAID,
BUT PROBABLY IT SHOULDN'T

OF AS A JOKE I SAID,
BUT PROBABLY IT SHOULDN'T
BE IN THE SAME PLACE.

BUT PROBABLY IT SHOULDN'T
BE IN THE SAME PLACE.
AND THEN HE ASKED ME

BE IN THE SAME PLACE.
AND THEN HE ASKED ME
WHAT I MEANT BY THAT.

AND THEN HE ASKED ME
WHAT I MEANT BY THAT.
ASKED YOU WHAT YOU MEANT.

WHAT I MEANT BY THAT.
ASKED YOU WHAT YOU MEANT.
DID YOU TAKE THAT AS

ASKED YOU WHAT YOU MEANT.
DID YOU TAKE THAT AS
A SIGN OF FATIGUE?

DID YOU TAKE THAT AS
A SIGN OF FATIGUE?
I TOOK IT AS A SIGN THAT I

A SIGN OF FATIGUE?
I TOOK IT AS A SIGN THAT I
SHOULD NOT MAKE JOKES WITH THE

I TOOK IT AS A SIGN THAT I
SHOULD NOT MAKE JOKES WITH THE
PRESIDENT.

SHOULD NOT MAKE JOKES WITH THE
PRESIDENT.
ALL RIGHT MR. LEAHY,

PRESIDENT.
ALL RIGHT MR. LEAHY,
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT MR. LEAHY,
THANK YOU.
STANDING BY AS WELL IS MR.

THANK YOU.
STANDING BY AS WELL IS MR.
CARTER'S SISTER RUTH CARTER

STANDING BY AS WELL IS MR.
CARTER'S SISTER RUTH CARTER
STAPLETON WHO HAS BEEN IN

CARTER'S SISTER RUTH CARTER
STAPLETON WHO HAS BEEN IN
COMMUNICATION WITH HER BROTHER

STAPLETON WHO HAS BEEN IN
COMMUNICATION WITH HER BROTHER
FROM TIME TO TIME DURING THIS

COMMUNICATION WITH HER BROTHER
FROM TIME TO TIME DURING THIS
CRISIS.

FROM TIME TO TIME DURING THIS
CRISIS.
MRS. CARTER STAPLETON, CLEARLY

CRISIS.
MRS. CARTER STAPLETON, CLEARLY
THIS MUST BE A DISTURBING

MRS. CARTER STAPLETON, CLEARLY
THIS MUST BE A DISTURBING
EXPERIENCE FOR A CLOSE RELATIVE

THIS MUST BE A DISTURBING
EXPERIENCE FOR A CLOSE RELATIVE
TO GO THROUGH.

EXPERIENCE FOR A CLOSE RELATIVE
TO GO THROUGH.
IF YOU CAN SAY SOMETHING TO THE

TO GO THROUGH.
IF YOU CAN SAY SOMETHING TO THE
OFFICIALS WHO ADVISED THE

IF YOU CAN SAY SOMETHING TO THE
OFFICIALS WHO ADVISED THE
PRESIDENT NOT TO LEAVE THE WHITE

OFFICIALS WHO ADVISED THE
PRESIDENT NOT TO LEAVE THE WHITE
HOUSE, WHAT WOULD THAT

PRESIDENT NOT TO LEAVE THE WHITE
HOUSE, WHAT WOULD THAT
MESSAGE BE?

HOUSE, WHAT WOULD THAT
MESSAGE BE?
YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER

MESSAGE BE?
YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER
USED TO LIKE NOTHING BETTER

YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER
USED TO LIKE NOTHING BETTER
THAN TO CAMPAIGN.

USED TO LIKE NOTHING BETTER
THAN TO CAMPAIGN.
HE JUST LOVED TO GO OUT AND MEET

THAN TO CAMPAIGN.
HE JUST LOVED TO GO OUT AND MEET
FOLKS AND SLEEP IN DIFFERENT

HE JUST LOVED TO GO OUT AND MEET
FOLKS AND SLEEP IN DIFFERENT
PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

FOLKS AND SLEEP IN DIFFERENT
PEOPLE'S HOUSES.
[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE'S HOUSES.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, HE CAN'T EVEN GO

[LAUGHTER]
NOW, HE CAN'T EVEN GO
TO THE AIRPORT.

NOW, HE CAN'T EVEN GO
TO THE AIRPORT.
SO YES, I WOULD SEND A MESSAGE

TO THE AIRPORT.
SO YES, I WOULD SEND A MESSAGE
TO THOSE ADVISORS IN THE SIMPLE

SO YES, I WOULD SEND A MESSAGE
TO THOSE ADVISORS IN THE SIMPLE
LANGUAGE OF THE OLD TESTAMENT,

TO THOSE ADVISORS IN THE SIMPLE
LANGUAGE OF THE OLD TESTAMENT,
LET MY BROTHER GO.

LANGUAGE OF THE OLD TESTAMENT,
LET MY BROTHER GO.
NOW, OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE

LET MY BROTHER GO.
NOW, OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE
EXACT LANGUAGE OF THE BIBLICAL

NOW, OF COURSE THAT'S NOT THE
EXACT LANGUAGE OF THE BIBLICAL
PHRASE BUT THAT WOULD BE MY

EXACT LANGUAGE OF THE BIBLICAL
PHRASE BUT THAT WOULD BE MY
MODERNIZATION OF IT.

PHRASE BUT THAT WOULD BE MY
MODERNIZATION OF IT.
I UNDERSTAND.

MODERNIZATION OF IT.
I UNDERSTAND.
FINE MODERNIZATION IT IS.

I UNDERSTAND.
FINE MODERNIZATION IT IS.
LAST WEEK ON THIS PROGRAM A

FINE MODERNIZATION IT IS.
LAST WEEK ON THIS PROGRAM A
PSYCHIATRIST WARNED ABOUT SOME

LAST WEEK ON THIS PROGRAM A
PSYCHIATRIST WARNED ABOUT SOME
SUBTLE PERSONALITY CHANGES THAT

PSYCHIATRIST WARNED ABOUT SOME
SUBTLE PERSONALITY CHANGES THAT
COULD AFFECT THE PRESIDENT KEPT

SUBTLE PERSONALITY CHANGES THAT
COULD AFFECT THE PRESIDENT KEPT
IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR FIVE

COULD AFFECT THE PRESIDENT KEPT
IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR FIVE
MONTHS.

IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR FIVE
MONTHS.
DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING

MONTHS.
DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
LIKE THAT HAPPENING TO YOUR

DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
LIKE THAT HAPPENING TO YOUR
BROTHER?

LIKE THAT HAPPENING TO YOUR
BROTHER?
THERE WAS ONE EVENING

BROTHER?
THERE WAS ONE EVENING
WHEN I WAS OVER THERE

THERE WAS ONE EVENING
WHEN I WAS OVER THERE
AND ROSALYNN TOLD JIMMY TO GO

WHEN I WAS OVER THERE
AND ROSALYNN TOLD JIMMY TO GO
CALL SOME MORE VOTERS OVER

AND ROSALYNN TOLD JIMMY TO GO
CALL SOME MORE VOTERS OVER
IN ILLINOIS...

CALL SOME MORE VOTERS OVER
IN ILLINOIS...
YES, MA'AM?

IN ILLINOIS...
YES, MA'AM?
THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE

YES, MA'AM?
THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE
THE PRIMARY THEY HAD THERE AND

THAT WAS RIGHT BEFORE
THE PRIMARY THEY HAD THERE AND
HE JUST STARTED TREMBLING AND

THE PRIMARY THEY HAD THERE AND
HE JUST STARTED TREMBLING AND
THEN HE BROKE DOWN AND STARTED

HE JUST STARTED TREMBLING AND
THEN HE BROKE DOWN AND STARTED
SOBBING LIKE A LITTLE BABY!

THEN HE BROKE DOWN AND STARTED
SOBBING LIKE A LITTLE BABY!
HOLY GOD.

SOBBING LIKE A LITTLE BABY!
HOLY GOD.
I NEVER SEEN HIM

HOLY GOD.
I NEVER SEEN HIM
LIKE THAT BEFORE.

I NEVER SEEN HIM
LIKE THAT BEFORE.
HE USED TO BE SO STRONG.

LIKE THAT BEFORE.
HE USED TO BE SO STRONG.
I KNOW THIS IS A SENSITIVE

HE USED TO BE SO STRONG.
I KNOW THIS IS A SENSITIVE
QUESTION BUT DID YOU SEE ANY

I KNOW THIS IS A SENSITIVE
QUESTION BUT DID YOU SEE ANY
EVIDENCE THAT SHE HAD

QUESTION BUT DID YOU SEE ANY
EVIDENCE THAT SHE HAD
BRAINWASHED HIM?

EVIDENCE THAT SHE HAD
BRAINWASHED HIM?
NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH HE

BRAINWASHED HIM?
NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH HE
SEEMED TO BE REAL SUBDUED.

NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH HE
SEEMED TO BE REAL SUBDUED.
AND AFTER HE STOPPED CRYING,

SEEMED TO BE REAL SUBDUED.
AND AFTER HE STOPPED CRYING,
HE WENT INTO THE OTHER ROOM,

AND AFTER HE STOPPED CRYING,
HE WENT INTO THE OTHER ROOM,
CALLED UP A LOT OF VOTERS

HE WENT INTO THE OTHER ROOM,
CALLED UP A LOT OF VOTERS
IN ILLINOIS.

CALLED UP A LOT OF VOTERS
IN ILLINOIS.
HE WAS IN THERE FOR HOURS

IN ILLINOIS.
HE WAS IN THERE FOR HOURS
WITH NO FOOD, EXCEPT I THINK

HE WAS IN THERE FOR HOURS
WITH NO FOOD, EXCEPT I THINK
A DISH FULL OF THOSE LITTLE

WITH NO FOOD, EXCEPT I THINK
A DISH FULL OF THOSE LITTLE
MARS BARS.

A DISH FULL OF THOSE LITTLE
MARS BARS.
[LAUGHTER]

MARS BARS.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU MRS.

[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU MRS.
STAPLETON FOR BEING WITH US

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU MRS.
STAPLETON FOR BEING WITH US
TONIGHT.

STAPLETON FOR BEING WITH US
TONIGHT.
THANK YOU.

TONIGHT.
THANK YOU.
I'M PRAYING FOR ALL OF US.

THANK YOU.
I'M PRAYING FOR ALL OF US.
SO AM I.

I'M PRAYING FOR ALL OF US.
SO AM I.
AND SO THE QUESTION TONIGHT

SO AM I.
AND SO THE QUESTION TONIGHT
REMAINS: WHAT WILL IT TAKE

AND SO THE QUESTION TONIGHT
REMAINS: WHAT WILL IT TAKE
TO GET JIMMY CARTER OUT?

REMAINS: WHAT WILL IT TAKE
TO GET JIMMY CARTER OUT?
IN THEIR OWN DEFENSE, WHITE

TO GET JIMMY CARTER OUT?
IN THEIR OWN DEFENSE, WHITE
HOUSE OFFICIALS POINT OUT THAT

IN THEIR OWN DEFENSE, WHITE
HOUSE OFFICIALS POINT OUT THAT
SINCE THIS CAPTIVITY BEGAN MR.

HOUSE OFFICIALS POINT OUT THAT
SINCE THIS CAPTIVITY BEGAN MR.
CARTER HAS AT LEAST BEEN ABLE TO

SINCE THIS CAPTIVITY BEGAN MR.
CARTER HAS AT LEAST BEEN ABLE TO
AVOID ANY MORE ATTACKS BY ANGRY

CARTER HAS AT LEAST BEEN ABLE TO
AVOID ANY MORE ATTACKS BY ANGRY
RABBITS AND THEY'RE

AVOID ANY MORE ATTACKS BY ANGRY
RABBITS AND THEY'RE
THANKFUL FOR THAT.

RABBITS AND THEY'RE
THANKFUL FOR THAT.
AND SO DAY 154 PASSES.

THANKFUL FOR THAT.
AND SO DAY 154 PASSES.
AND THE ONLY HOPEFUL SIGN IN ALL

AND SO DAY 154 PASSES.
AND THE ONLY HOPEFUL SIGN IN ALL
OF THIS IS THAT AMY CARTER

AND THE ONLY HOPEFUL SIGN IN ALL
OF THIS IS THAT AMY CARTER
MAY BE SMARTER THAN SHE LOOKS.

OF THIS IS THAT AMY CARTER
MAY BE SMARTER THAN SHE LOOKS.
THAT'S OUR REPORT FOR

MAY BE SMARTER THAN SHE LOOKS.
THAT'S OUR REPORT FOR
THIS EVENING.

THAT'S OUR REPORT FOR
THIS EVENING.
DAVID HARTMAN WILL HAVE

THIS EVENING.
DAVID HARTMAN WILL HAVE
TONIGHT'S DEVELOPMENTS IN

DAVID HARTMAN WILL HAVE
TONIGHT'S DEVELOPMENTS IN
SMALLER WORDS TOMORROW ON

TONIGHT'S DEVELOPMENTS IN
SMALLER WORDS TOMORROW ON
GOOD MORNING AMERICA.

SMALLER WORDS TOMORROW ON
GOOD MORNING AMERICA.
FOR ALL OF US AT ABC NEWS,

GOOD MORNING AMERICA.
FOR ALL OF US AT ABC NEWS,
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

FOR ALL OF US AT ABC NEWS,
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[♪..., APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

WITH RICHARD BENJAMIN
AND PAULA PRENTISS.
STARRING JANE CURTIN,

AND PAULA PRENTISS.
STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,

STARRING JANE CURTIN,
GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,

GARRETT MORRIS,
BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,

BILL MURRAY,
LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER,

LARAINE NEWMAN,
GILDA RADNER,
AND HARRY SHEARER!

WITH MUSICAL GUESTS
THE GRATEFUL DEAD.

FEATURING: TOM DAVIS,
AL FRANKEN.
[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RICHARD BENJAMIN
AND PAULA PRENTISS!

RICHARD BENJAMIN
AND PAULA PRENTISS!
[APPLAUSE...]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.

[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.
OKAY.

THANK YOU.
OKAY.
IT'S GREAT, GREAT TO BE HERE.

OKAY.
IT'S GREAT, GREAT TO BE HERE.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY SECOND TIME

IT'S GREAT, GREAT TO BE HERE.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY SECOND TIME
I'VE HOSTED SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY SECOND TIME
I'VE HOSTED SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
AND I, I HAD SUCH A GREAT

I'VE HOSTED SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
AND I, I HAD SUCH A GREAT
EXPERIENCE LAST TIME THAT THIS

AND I, I HAD SUCH A GREAT
EXPERIENCE LAST TIME THAT THIS
TIME I BROUGHT MY WIFE

EXPERIENCE LAST TIME THAT THIS
TIME I BROUGHT MY WIFE
PAULA ALONG.

TIME I BROUGHT MY WIFE
PAULA ALONG.
[APPLAUSE]

PAULA ALONG.
[APPLAUSE]
I'M REALLY, REALLY GLAD I DID

[APPLAUSE]
I'M REALLY, REALLY GLAD I DID
BECAUSE SHE'S, WELL, SHE'S BEEN

I'M REALLY, REALLY GLAD I DID
BECAUSE SHE'S, WELL, SHE'S BEEN
A BIG HIT AROUND HERE WITH ALL

BECAUSE SHE'S, WELL, SHE'S BEEN
A BIG HIT AROUND HERE WITH ALL
THE PEOPLE ON THE SHOW AND THEY,

A BIG HIT AROUND HERE WITH ALL
THE PEOPLE ON THE SHOW AND THEY,
THEY JUST LOVE HER.

THE PEOPLE ON THE SHOW AND THEY,
THEY JUST LOVE HER.
OH, COME ON, DICK.

THEY JUST LOVE HER.
OH, COME ON, DICK.
NO, NO, IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE.

OH, COME ON, DICK.
NO, NO, IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE.
FACT, SHE'S IN MORE SKETCHES

NO, NO, IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE.
FACT, SHE'S IN MORE SKETCHES
THAN I AM ACTUALLY.

FACT, SHE'S IN MORE SKETCHES
THAN I AM ACTUALLY.
WELL, YOU'RE IN A LOT OF

THAN I AM ACTUALLY.
WELL, YOU'RE IN A LOT OF
SKETCHES TOO.

WELL, YOU'RE IN A LOT OF
SKETCHES TOO.
I KNOW I AM.

SKETCHES TOO.
I KNOW I AM.
GOSH, YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC

I KNOW I AM.
GOSH, YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC
AS RUTH CARTER STAPLETON,

GOSH, YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC
AS RUTH CARTER STAPLETON,
WASN'T SHE?

AS RUTH CARTER STAPLETON,
WASN'T SHE?
[APPLAUSE]

WASN'T SHE?
[APPLAUSE]
I, UH, I WAS CUT FROM

[APPLAUSE]
I, UH, I WAS CUT FROM
THE OPENING.

I, UH, I WAS CUT FROM
THE OPENING.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY

THE OPENING.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY
ZBIGNEW BREZINSKI...

I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY
ZBIGNEW BREZINSKI...
THEY CUT ME.

ZBIGNEW BREZINSKI...
THEY CUT ME.
THEY DIDN'T CUT YOU, DICK.

THEY CUT ME.
THEY DIDN'T CUT YOU, DICK.
THEY CUT THE PART.

THEY DIDN'T CUT YOU, DICK.
THEY CUT THE PART.
YOU DON'T THINK THEY CUT THE

THEY CUT THE PART.
YOU DON'T THINK THEY CUT THE
PART 'CAUSE I WAS DOING IT

YOU DON'T THINK THEY CUT THE
PART 'CAUSE I WAS DOING IT
WRONG, DO YOU?

PART 'CAUSE I WAS DOING IT
WRONG, DO YOU?
OH, NO, IT'S JUST BECAUSE

WRONG, DO YOU?
OH, NO, IT'S JUST BECAUSE
IT WAS TOO LONG.

OH, NO, IT'S JUST BECAUSE
IT WAS TOO LONG.
EVERYBODY THOUGHT THAT YOUR

IT WAS TOO LONG.
EVERYBODY THOUGHT THAT YOUR
BREZINSKI WAS TERRIFIC.

EVERYBODY THOUGHT THAT YOUR
BREZINSKI WAS TERRIFIC.
OH, YEAH?

BREZINSKI WAS TERRIFIC.
OH, YEAH?
I WAS WONDERING BECAUSE,

OH, YEAH?
I WAS WONDERING BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,

I WAS WONDERING BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,
NOBODY SAID ANYTHING

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,
NOBODY SAID ANYTHING
TO ME ABOUT IT.

NOBODY SAID ANYTHING
TO ME ABOUT IT.
YOU THINK, YOU THINK THEY

TO ME ABOUT IT.
YOU THINK, YOU THINK THEY
REALLY LIKED IT, HUH?

YOU THINK, YOU THINK THEY
REALLY LIKED IT, HUH?
OH, YEAH DICK, YEAH.

REALLY LIKED IT, HUH?
OH, YEAH DICK, YEAH.
IT WAS FINE.

BEFORE YOU SAID IT WAS
TERRIFIC AND NOW IT'S JUST...
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

TERRIFIC AND NOW IT'S JUST...
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD.
[LAUGHTER]

YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD.
[LAUGHTER]
LET'S GET ON WITH THE REST

[LAUGHTER]
LET'S GET ON WITH THE REST
OF THE SHOW.

LET'S GET ON WITH THE REST
OF THE SHOW.
THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT,

OF THE SHOW.
THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT,
DID THEY?

THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT,
DID THEY?
DICK, IT'S A REAL HARD

DID THEY?
DICK, IT'S A REAL HARD
IMPERSONATION.

DICK, IT'S A REAL HARD
IMPERSONATION.
YOU JUST NEEDED MORE TIME

IMPERSONATION.
YOU JUST NEEDED MORE TIME
TO DEVELOP IT.

YOU JUST NEEDED MORE TIME
TO DEVELOP IT.
THEY, THEY JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU

TO DEVELOP IT.
THEY, THEY JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU
DIDN'T GET THE ACCENT DOWN

THEY, THEY JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU
DIDN'T GET THE ACCENT DOWN
RIGHT.

DIDN'T GET THE ACCENT DOWN
RIGHT.
HOW COULD THEY SAY THAT?

RIGHT.
HOW COULD THEY SAY THAT?
NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHAT BREZINSKI

HOW COULD THEY SAY THAT?
NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHAT BREZINSKI
SOUNDS LIKE!

NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHAT BREZINSKI
SOUNDS LIKE!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE SOUNDS

SOUNDS LIKE!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE SOUNDS
LIKE BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS HE

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE SOUNDS
LIKE BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS HE
DOESN'T SOUND MEXICAN.

LIKE BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS HE
DOESN'T SOUND MEXICAN.
[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T SOUND MEXICAN.
[LAUGHTER]
MEXICAN?

[LAUGHTER]
MEXICAN?
THAT WASN'T A MEXICAN ACCENT!

MEXICAN?
THAT WASN'T A MEXICAN ACCENT!
THAT WAS A BALKAN ACCENT.

THAT WASN'T A MEXICAN ACCENT!
THAT WAS A BALKAN ACCENT.
BREZINSKI IS BALKAN.

THAT WAS A BALKAN ACCENT.
BREZINSKI IS BALKAN.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

BREZINSKI IS BALKAN.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN MEXICAN AND BALKAN.

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN MEXICAN AND BALKAN.
I WAS DOING MY BALKAN ACCENT.

BETWEEN MEXICAN AND BALKAN.
I WAS DOING MY BALKAN ACCENT.
I WASN'T DOING MEXICAN.

I WAS DOING MY BALKAN ACCENT.
I WASN'T DOING MEXICAN.
YOU WOULDN'T DO MEXICAN FOR HIM.

I WASN'T DOING MEXICAN.
YOU WOULDN'T DO MEXICAN FOR HIM.
HE'S BALKAN.

YOU WOULDN'T DO MEXICAN FOR HIM.
HE'S BALKAN.
I DO A VERY, VERY GOOD BALKAN.

HE'S BALKAN.
I DO A VERY, VERY GOOD BALKAN.
RIGHT, RIGHT.

I DO A VERY, VERY GOOD BALKAN.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT

RIGHT, RIGHT.
WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT
I DID IT MEXICAN?

WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT
I DID IT MEXICAN?
WHO SAID IT?

I DID IT MEXICAN?
WHO SAID IT?
I THINK I KNOW WHO SAID IT.

WHO SAID IT?
I THINK I KNOW WHO SAID IT.
I THINK I KNOW WHO THAT

I THINK I KNOW WHO SAID IT.
I THINK I KNOW WHO THAT
PERSON IS.

I THINK I KNOW WHO THAT
PERSON IS.
AWW, HEY, WHY ARE WE

PERSON IS.
AWW, HEY, WHY ARE WE
FIGHTING?

AWW, HEY, WHY ARE WE
FIGHTING?
WE HAVE A WHOLE SHOW TO DO.

FIGHTING?
WE HAVE A WHOLE SHOW TO DO.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE HAVE A WHOLE SHOW TO DO.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S JUST SILLY TO FIGHT

THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S JUST SILLY TO FIGHT
ABOUT IT.

IT'S JUST SILLY TO FIGHT
ABOUT IT.
IT WAS A GOOD BALKAN ACCENT

ABOUT IT.
IT WAS A GOOD BALKAN ACCENT
THOUGH, WASN'T IT?

IT WAS A GOOD BALKAN ACCENT
THOUGH, WASN'T IT?
JUST BOTHERS ME A LITTLE BIT

THOUGH, WASN'T IT?
JUST BOTHERS ME A LITTLE BIT
THAT I GOT CUT FROM THAT

JUST BOTHERS ME A LITTLE BIT
THAT I GOT CUT FROM THAT
OPENING.

THAT I GOT CUT FROM THAT
OPENING.
BUT I'M HAPPY YOU'RE DOING

OPENING.
BUT I'M HAPPY YOU'RE DOING
SO WELL.

BUT I'M HAPPY YOU'RE DOING
SO WELL.
THAT'S IMPORTANT.

SO WELL.
THAT'S IMPORTANT.
THANKS, HONEY.

THAT'S IMPORTANT.
THANKS, HONEY.
I'M GONNA GO GET INTO MY

THANKS, HONEY.
I'M GONNA GO GET INTO MY
BARRY MANILOW COSTUME NOW.

I'M GONNA GO GET INTO MY
BARRY MANILOW COSTUME NOW.
[LAUGHTER]

BARRY MANILOW COSTUME NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
AH, DICK...

[LAUGHTER]
AH, DICK...
YEAH?

AH, DICK...
YEAH?
THEY WANTED ME TO TALK TO YOU

YEAH?
THEY WANTED ME TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT YOUR MANILOW.

THEY WANTED ME TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT YOUR MANILOW.
WHY?

ABOUT YOUR MANILOW.
WHY?
WELL, WHY DON'T WE GO

WHY?
WELL, WHY DON'T WE GO
INTO OUR DRESSING ROOM AND I'LL

WELL, WHY DON'T WE GO
INTO OUR DRESSING ROOM AND I'LL
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, OKAY?

INTO OUR DRESSING ROOM AND I'LL
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, OKAY?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, OKAY?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
IS MY MANILOW CUT?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
IS MY MANILOW CUT?
[APPLAUSE]

THIS VERY NIGHT BEFORE
THE COCK CROWS TWICE,
YOU WILL HAVE DENIED THREE

THE COCK CROWS TWICE,
YOU WILL HAVE DENIED THREE
TIMES THAT YOU EVEN KNOW ME.

YOU WILL HAVE DENIED THREE
TIMES THAT YOU EVEN KNOW ME.
NO, MY LORD.

TIMES THAT YOU EVEN KNOW ME.
NO, MY LORD.
NEVER.

BOY, I'VE SEEN EVERY JESUS
SHOW AND HE'S THE CUTEST
JESUS OF THEM ALL.

SHOW AND HE'S THE CUTEST
JESUS OF THEM ALL.
[LAUGHTER]

JESUS OF THEM ALL.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU SEEN JESUS OF NAZARETH?

[LAUGHTER]
YOU SEEN JESUS OF NAZARETH?
YEAH, I SEEN IT.

YOU SEEN JESUS OF NAZARETH?
YEAH, I SEEN IT.
SEEN JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR?

YEAH, I SEEN IT.
SEEN JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR?
SEEN IT.

SEEN JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR?
SEEN IT.
JESUS: THE MAN YOU

SEEN IT.
JESUS: THE MAN YOU
THOUGHT YOU KNEW?

JESUS: THE MAN YOU
THOUGHT YOU KNEW?
SEEN IT.

THOUGHT YOU KNEW?
SEEN IT.
IN SEARCH OF HISTORICAL

SEEN IT.
IN SEARCH OF HISTORICAL
JESUS?

IN SEARCH OF HISTORICAL
JESUS?
SEEEEN IT!

JESUS?
SEEEEN IT!
THE DAY CHRIST DIED?

SEEEEN IT!
THE DAY CHRIST DIED?
SEEN IT.

THE DAY CHRIST DIED?
SEEN IT.
I DREAM OF JESUS?

SEEN IT.
I DREAM OF JESUS?
SEEN IT.

I DREAM OF JESUS?
SEEN IT.
HA!

SEEN IT.
HA!
THERE ISN'T ONE!

HA!
THERE ISN'T ONE!
ANYWAY, HE'S THE DREAMIEST.

THERE ISN'T ONE!
ANYWAY, HE'S THE DREAMIEST.
HIS TEETH ARE CLEANER THAN

ANYWAY, HE'S THE DREAMIEST.
HIS TEETH ARE CLEANER THAN
ERIC ESTRADA'S.

HIS TEETH ARE CLEANER THAN
ERIC ESTRADA'S.
[LAUGHTER]

ERIC ESTRADA'S.
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S NOT A SNOB.

[LAUGHTER]
HE'S NOT A SNOB.
HE EVEN HANGS WITH LEPERS.

HE'S NOT A SNOB.
HE EVEN HANGS WITH LEPERS.
[LAUGHTER]

HE EVEN HANGS WITH LEPERS.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, HE'S REAL SERIOUS TOO.

[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, HE'S REAL SERIOUS TOO.
HE'D NEVER PUT A CREEPY CRAWLER

YEAH, HE'S REAL SERIOUS TOO.
HE'D NEVER PUT A CREEPY CRAWLER
DOWN YOUR BLOUSE OR ANYTHING.

HE'D NEVER PUT A CREEPY CRAWLER
DOWN YOUR BLOUSE OR ANYTHING.
NO.

DOWN YOUR BLOUSE OR ANYTHING.
NO.
OH!

NO.
OH!
PRETEND, PRETEND I'M A REPORTER

OH!
PRETEND, PRETEND I'M A REPORTER
FROM TIGER BEAT, OKAY?

PRETEND, PRETEND I'M A REPORTER
FROM TIGER BEAT, OKAY?
NO!

FROM TIGER BEAT, OKAY?
NO!
OKAY, AND HERE IS MY

NO!
OKAY, AND HERE IS MY
ARTICLE ON JESUS.

OKAY, AND HERE IS MY
ARTICLE ON JESUS.
HIS THICK BLACK HAIR, INCLUDING

ARTICLE ON JESUS.
HIS THICK BLACK HAIR, INCLUDING
THE BEARD AND MUSTACHE, COVER A

HIS THICK BLACK HAIR, INCLUDING
THE BEARD AND MUSTACHE, COVER A
BABY FACE THAT IS ADORABLE.

THE BEARD AND MUSTACHE, COVER A
BABY FACE THAT IS ADORABLE.
CAN'T YOU JUST PICTURE YOU AND

BABY FACE THAT IS ADORABLE.
CAN'T YOU JUST PICTURE YOU AND
JESUS CURLED UP IN FRONT OF

CAN'T YOU JUST PICTURE YOU AND
JESUS CURLED UP IN FRONT OF
A ROARING FIRE?

JESUS CURLED UP IN FRONT OF
A ROARING FIRE?
THE FIRE WOULD BE ALMOST AS

A ROARING FIRE?
THE FIRE WOULD BE ALMOST AS
BRIGHT AS THE GLEAM IN JESUS'

THE FIRE WOULD BE ALMOST AS
BRIGHT AS THE GLEAM IN JESUS'
BEAUTIFUL BLUE DREAMY EYES

BRIGHT AS THE GLEAM IN JESUS'
BEAUTIFUL BLUE DREAMY EYES
BURNING JUST FOR YOU.

BEAUTIFUL BLUE DREAMY EYES
BURNING JUST FOR YOU.
SORRY GALS!

BURNING JUST FOR YOU.
SORRY GALS!
TOO BAD HE'S TAKEN BY THE

SORRY GALS!
TOO BAD HE'S TAKEN BY THE
GORGEOUS, STUNNING, LOVELY,

TOO BAD HE'S TAKEN BY THE
GORGEOUS, STUNNING, LOVELY,
GORGEOUS ME, DEBBIE NIMROD.

GORGEOUS, STUNNING, LOVELY,
GORGEOUS ME, DEBBIE NIMROD.
DREAM ON.

GORGEOUS ME, DEBBIE NIMROD.
DREAM ON.
SHH, IT'S HIM AGAIN.

YOU KNOW...
ONE DAY I'LL GROW UP AND I'LL BE
ON THE SUBWAY AND I'LL BE ON MY

ONE DAY I'LL GROW UP AND I'LL BE
ON THE SUBWAY AND I'LL BE ON MY
WAY TO MY SURPRISE BIRTHDAY

ON THE SUBWAY AND I'LL BE ON MY
WAY TO MY SURPRISE BIRTHDAY
PARTY AND A BOY WILL WALK ON THE

WAY TO MY SURPRISE BIRTHDAY
PARTY AND A BOY WILL WALK ON THE
TRAIN AND HE WILL LOOK EXACTLY

PARTY AND A BOY WILL WALK ON THE
TRAIN AND HE WILL LOOK EXACTLY
LIKE JESUS AND HE'LL BE EXACTLY

TRAIN AND HE WILL LOOK EXACTLY
LIKE JESUS AND HE'LL BE EXACTLY
LIKE JESUS AND HE'LL TURN TO ME

LIKE JESUS AND HE'LL BE EXACTLY
LIKE JESUS AND HE'LL TURN TO ME
AND SAY, "OH, PLEASE, CAN I GO

LIKE JESUS AND HE'LL TURN TO ME
AND SAY, "OH, PLEASE, CAN I GO
WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING BECAUSE

AND SAY, "OH, PLEASE, CAN I GO
WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING BECAUSE
YOU ARE THE MOST BOSS FOX

WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING BECAUSE
YOU ARE THE MOST BOSS FOX
I HAVE EVER SEEN!"

YOU ARE THE MOST BOSS FOX
I HAVE EVER SEEN!"
AND HE WILL LOVE ME SO MUCH HE

I HAVE EVER SEEN!"
AND HE WILL LOVE ME SO MUCH HE
WILL TAKE ME AWAY TO HIS DUDE

AND HE WILL LOVE ME SO MUCH HE
WILL TAKE ME AWAY TO HIS DUDE
RANCH...

WILL TAKE ME AWAY TO HIS DUDE
RANCH...
WHERE HE HAS A BIG BOAT AND HE

RANCH...
WHERE HE HAS A BIG BOAT AND HE
WILL MARRY ME AND WE WILL RIDE

WHERE HE HAS A BIG BOAT AND HE
WILL MARRY ME AND WE WILL RIDE
HORSES ALL THE TIME.

WILL MARRY ME AND WE WILL RIDE
HORSES ALL THE TIME.
AND HIS HORSE'LL BE NAMED FLASH

HORSES ALL THE TIME.
AND HIS HORSE'LL BE NAMED FLASH
AND MINE WILL BE NAMED CINNAMON!

AND HIS HORSE'LL BE NAMED FLASH
AND MINE WILL BE NAMED CINNAMON!
OH, YOU'RE WRONG, ALL WRONG.

AND MINE WILL BE NAMED CINNAMON!
OH, YOU'RE WRONG, ALL WRONG.
I HAD DIBS ON HIM FIRST.

OH, YOU'RE WRONG, ALL WRONG.
I HAD DIBS ON HIM FIRST.
BLACK AND WHITE AND

I HAD DIBS ON HIM FIRST.
BLACK AND WHITE AND
DOUBLE STAMP IT.

BLACK AND WHITE AND
DOUBLE STAMP IT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.

DOUBLE STAMP IT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I SAW HIM FIRST.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I SAW HIM FIRST.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S MY T.V..

I SAW HIM FIRST.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S MY T.V..
AND THEN HE'LL SAY,

YEAH, WELL, IT'S MY T.V..
AND THEN HE'LL SAY,
"OH, DARLING, DARLING, DARLING,

AND THEN HE'LL SAY,
"OH, DARLING, DARLING, DARLING,
YOU ARE A PERFECT 10 AND I WANT

"OH, DARLING, DARLING, DARLING,
YOU ARE A PERFECT 10 AND I WANT
TO MARRY YOU AND NEVER

YOU ARE A PERFECT 10 AND I WANT
TO MARRY YOU AND NEVER
DIVORCE YOU."

TO MARRY YOU AND NEVER
DIVORCE YOU."
♪ 'CAUSE YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE ♪

DIVORCE YOU."
♪ 'CAUSE YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE ♪
♪ YOU GIVE ME HOPE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE ♪
♪ YOU GIVE ME HOPE ♪
HANDS OF JESUS, ROCHELLE.

♪ YOU GIVE ME HOPE ♪
HANDS OF JESUS, ROCHELLE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM.

HANDS OF JESUS, ROCHELLE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM.
YOU CAN HAVE LAZARUS.

YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM.
YOU CAN HAVE LAZARUS.
[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN HAVE LAZARUS.
[LAUGHTER]
LAZARUS?

[LAUGHTER]
LAZARUS?
YUK, BLECH, I WOULDN'T TOUCH HIM

LAZARUS?
YUK, BLECH, I WOULDN'T TOUCH HIM
WITH A 10 FOOT POLE

YUK, BLECH, I WOULDN'T TOUCH HIM
WITH A 10 FOOT POLE
IF YOU PAID ME.

WITH A 10 FOOT POLE
IF YOU PAID ME.
ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU GET TO

IF YOU PAID ME.
ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU GET TO
PICK BETWEEN APOSTLE NUMBER ONE,

ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU GET TO
PICK BETWEEN APOSTLE NUMBER ONE,
APOSTLE NUMBER TWO, AND APOSTLE

PICK BETWEEN APOSTLE NUMBER ONE,
APOSTLE NUMBER TWO, AND APOSTLE
NUMBER THREE.

APOSTLE NUMBER TWO, AND APOSTLE
NUMBER THREE.
AND GET THE SAMSONITE LUGGAGE

NUMBER THREE.
AND GET THE SAMSONITE LUGGAGE
AND AN ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP

AND GET THE SAMSONITE LUGGAGE
AND AN ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP
TO PUERTO VALLARTA.

AND AN ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP
TO PUERTO VALLARTA.
DO NOT, SORRY.

TO PUERTO VALLARTA.
DO NOT, SORRY.
OKAY.

DO NOT, SORRY.
OKAY.
THIS IS JESUS AND THIS IS ME.

OKAY.
THIS IS JESUS AND THIS IS ME.
LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER.

THIS IS JESUS AND THIS IS ME.
LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER.
AND HOW MUCH IN LOVE WE ARE.

LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER.
AND HOW MUCH IN LOVE WE ARE.
HE CAN'T KEEP AWAY FROM ME.

AND HOW MUCH IN LOVE WE ARE.
HE CAN'T KEEP AWAY FROM ME.
OH, NOW, COME ON.

HE CAN'T KEEP AWAY FROM ME.
OH, NOW, COME ON.
I AM THE REAL JESUS IN CASE

OH, NOW, COME ON.
I AM THE REAL JESUS IN CASE
YOU WANTED TO KNOW.

I AM THE REAL JESUS IN CASE
YOU WANTED TO KNOW.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE

YOU WANTED TO KNOW.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE
TO THE ENTIRE WORLD SO THAT THEY

AND I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE
TO THE ENTIRE WORLD SO THAT THEY
WILL ALL KNOW THAT I LOVE

TO THE ENTIRE WORLD SO THAT THEY
WILL ALL KNOW THAT I LOVE
DEBBIE NIMROD SO MUCH THAT

WILL ALL KNOW THAT I LOVE
DEBBIE NIMROD SO MUCH THAT
IF SHE DOES NOT MARRY ME I WILL

DEBBIE NIMROD SO MUCH THAT
IF SHE DOES NOT MARRY ME I WILL
GET "HYPOGLYCERINE" AND DIE

IF SHE DOES NOT MARRY ME I WILL
GET "HYPOGLYCERINE" AND DIE
AND BE VERY SAD.

GET "HYPOGLYCERINE" AND DIE
AND BE VERY SAD.
[LAUGHTER]

AND BE VERY SAD.
[LAUGHTER]
WHY, DARLING, ALL YOU HAD

[LAUGHTER]
WHY, DARLING, ALL YOU HAD
TO DO WAS ASK.

WHY, DARLING, ALL YOU HAD
TO DO WAS ASK.
COME WITH ME TO THE KASBAH.

TO DO WAS ASK.
COME WITH ME TO THE KASBAH.
YES, MY DARLING!

COME WITH ME TO THE KASBAH.
YES, MY DARLING!
JESUS, DON'T LISTEN

YES, MY DARLING!
JESUS, DON'T LISTEN
TO THAT GIRL.

JESUS, DON'T LISTEN
TO THAT GIRL.
DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HER.

TO THAT GIRL.
DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HER.
SHE HAS COOTIES AND SMELLY FEET.

DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HER.
SHE HAS COOTIES AND SMELLY FEET.
[LAUGHTER]

SHE HAS COOTIES AND SMELLY FEET.
[LAUGHTER]
RING, RING, RING!

[LAUGHTER]
RING, RING, RING!
HELLO, WHO IS IT?

RING, RING, RING!
HELLO, WHO IS IT?
JESUS CHRIST?

HELLO, WHO IS IT?
JESUS CHRIST?
[LAUGHTER]

JESUS CHRIST?
[LAUGHTER]
JESUS IT'S GOOD TO

[LAUGHTER]
JESUS IT'S GOOD TO
HEAR FROM YOU.

JESUS IT'S GOOD TO
HEAR FROM YOU.
GO ROLLER-DISCOING WITH YOU

HEAR FROM YOU.
GO ROLLER-DISCOING WITH YOU
ON DANCE FEVER?

GO ROLLER-DISCOING WITH YOU
ON DANCE FEVER?
I'D LOVE TO.

ON DANCE FEVER?
I'D LOVE TO.
WITH WHO?

I'D LOVE TO.
WITH WHO?
WE'RE DOUBLE DATING

WITH WHO?
WE'RE DOUBLE DATING
WITH PEACHES AND HERB.

WE'RE DOUBLE DATING
WITH PEACHES AND HERB.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU...

WITH PEACHES AND HERB.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU...
WHO ELSE'LL BE THERE?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU...
WHO ELSE'LL BE THERE?
SEAN AND ERIC AND SCOTT AND

WHO ELSE'LL BE THERE?
SEAN AND ERIC AND SCOTT AND
LEIF, AND THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND,

SEAN AND ERIC AND SCOTT AND
LEIF, AND THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND,
AND KISS AND THE WALTONS AND

LEIF, AND THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND,
AND KISS AND THE WALTONS AND
CHARLIE'S ANGELS AND MORK AND

AND KISS AND THE WALTONS AND
CHARLIE'S ANGELS AND MORK AND
BILL MURRAY AND FLIPPER AND...

CHARLIE'S ANGELS AND MORK AND
BILL MURRAY AND FLIPPER AND...
Both: ROD STEWART!

BILL MURRAY AND FLIPPER AND...
Both: ROD STEWART!
FREEZE!

Both: ROD STEWART!
FREEZE!
JINX, JINX! [LAUGHS]

FREEZE!
JINX, JINX! [LAUGHS]
CAN'T TALK!

JINX, JINX! [LAUGHS]
CAN'T TALK!
CAN'T TALK.

CAN'T TALK!
CAN'T TALK.
JESUS LOVES ME, YAY!

CAN'T TALK.
JESUS LOVES ME, YAY!
DEBBIE, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

JESUS LOVES ME, YAY!
DEBBIE, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
THIS IS THE THANKS WHEN I LET

DEBBIE, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
THIS IS THE THANKS WHEN I LET
ROCHELLE COME OVER TO VISIT?

THIS IS THE THANKS WHEN I LET
ROCHELLE COME OVER TO VISIT?
END OF JINX.

ROCHELLE COME OVER TO VISIT?
END OF JINX.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.

END OF JINX.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
COME ON, THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
COME ON, THAT'S IT.
GO TO BED, GO TO BED.

COME ON, THAT'S IT.
GO TO BED, GO TO BED.
TAKE YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT OF

GO TO BED, GO TO BED.
TAKE YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT OF
HERE, COME ON.

TAKE YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT OF
HERE, COME ON.
COME ON, HURRY UP.

WAIT A SECOND.
HMM?
HE'D BE SUCH A HANDSOME BOY

HMM?
HE'D BE SUCH A HANDSOME BOY
IF HE JUST GET HIS HAIR

HE'D BE SUCH A HANDSOME BOY
IF HE JUST GET HIS HAIR
OUT OF HIS EYES.

IF HE JUST GET HIS HAIR
OUT OF HIS EYES.
GIRLS, GIRLS, NO POPCORN?

OUT OF HIS EYES.
GIRLS, GIRLS, NO POPCORN?
[APPLAUSE...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]
♪ 32 TEETH IN A JAWBONE ♪

[♪...]
♪ 32 TEETH IN A JAWBONE ♪
♪ ALABAMA'S TRYING FOR NONE ♪

♪ 32 TEETH IN A JAWBONE ♪
♪ ALABAMA'S TRYING FOR NONE ♪
♪ BEFORE I HAVE TO HIT HIM ♪

♪ ALABAMA'S TRYING FOR NONE ♪
♪ BEFORE I HAVE TO HIT HIM ♪
♪ I HOPE HE'S GOT

♪ BEFORE I HAVE TO HIT HIM ♪
♪ I HOPE HE'S GOT
THE SENSE TO RUN ♪

♪ I HOPE HE'S GOT
THE SENSE TO RUN ♪
♪ REASON THE POOR GIRLS

THE SENSE TO RUN ♪
♪ REASON THE POOR GIRLS
LOVE HIM ♪

♪ REASON THE POOR GIRLS
LOVE HIM ♪
♪ PROMISE THEM EVERYTHING ♪

LOVE HIM ♪
♪ PROMISE THEM EVERYTHING ♪
♪ WHY THEY ALL BELIEVE HIM? ♪

♪ PROMISE THEM EVERYTHING ♪
♪ WHY THEY ALL BELIEVE HIM? ♪
♪ HE WEARS A BIG DIAMOND RING ♪

♪ WHY THEY ALL BELIEVE HIM? ♪
♪ HE WEARS A BIG DIAMOND RING ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

♪ HE WEARS A BIG DIAMOND RING ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE

♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪

♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪
[♪...]

♪ MAJOR DOMO BILLY BO JANGLES ♪
♪ SAT DOWN AND HAD
A DRINK WITH ME ♪

♪ SAT DOWN AND HAD
A DRINK WITH ME ♪
♪ SAID "WHAT ABOUT ALABAMA?" ♪

A DRINK WITH ME ♪
♪ SAID "WHAT ABOUT ALABAMA?" ♪
♪ IT KEEPS A COMING BACK TO ME ♪

♪ SAID "WHAT ABOUT ALABAMA?" ♪
♪ IT KEEPS A COMING BACK TO ME ♪
♪ I HEARD YOUR PLEA

♪ IT KEEPS A COMING BACK TO ME ♪
♪ I HEARD YOUR PLEA
IN THE COURTHOUSE ♪

♪ I HEARD YOUR PLEA
IN THE COURTHOUSE ♪
♪ WITNESS BOX BEGAN TO

IN THE COURTHOUSE ♪
♪ WITNESS BOX BEGAN TO
ROCK AND RISE ♪

♪ WITNESS BOX BEGAN TO
ROCK AND RISE ♪
♪ 49 SISTER STATES

ROCK AND RISE ♪
♪ 49 SISTER STATES
HAD ALABAMA IN THEIR EYES ♪

♪ 49 SISTER STATES
HAD ALABAMA IN THEIR EYES ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

HAD ALABAMA IN THEIR EYES ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE

♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪

♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪
[♪...]

♪ 23rd PSALM MAJOR DOMO ♪
♪ RESERVE ME A TABLE FOR THREE ♪
♪ DOWN IN THE VALLEY

♪ RESERVE ME A TABLE FOR THREE ♪
♪ DOWN IN THE VALLEY
OF THE SHADOW ♪

♪ DOWN IN THE VALLEY
OF THE SHADOW ♪
♪ JUST YOU, ALABAMA, AND ME ♪

OF THE SHADOW ♪
♪ JUST YOU, ALABAMA, AND ME ♪
♪ MAJOR SAID WHY DON'T

♪ JUST YOU, ALABAMA, AND ME ♪
♪ MAJOR SAID WHY DON'T
WE GIVE HIM ROPE ENOUGH

♪ MAJOR SAID WHY DON'T
WE GIVE HIM ROPE ENOUGH
TO HANG HIMSELF? ♪

WE GIVE HIM ROPE ENOUGH
TO HANG HIMSELF? ♪
♪ NO NEED TO WORRY THE JURY ♪

TO HANG HIMSELF? ♪
♪ NO NEED TO WORRY THE JURY ♪
♪ THEY'LL PROBABLY TAKE CARE

♪ NO NEED TO WORRY THE JURY ♪
♪ THEY'LL PROBABLY TAKE CARE
OF THEMSELVES ♪

♪ THEY'LL PROBABLY TAKE CARE
OF THEMSELVES ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

OF THEMSELVES ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE

♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪

♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

AND WALK AWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE

♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪

♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

AND WALK AWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪

♪ ALABAMA GETAWAY, GETAWAY ♪
♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE

♪ ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME ♪
♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪

♪ YA JUST GOTTA LEAVE
AND WALK AWAY ♪
[♪...]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]

KAREN, I JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT IT WAS REALLY,
REALLY GREAT.

KNOW THAT IT WAS REALLY,
REALLY GREAT.
THANK YOU.

REALLY GREAT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
WOULD YOU STOP THANKING ME?

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
WOULD YOU STOP THANKING ME?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

WOULD YOU STOP THANKING ME?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
I HAD A GOOD TIME, TOO.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
I HAD A GOOD TIME, TOO.
YES, I KNOW THAT.

I HAD A GOOD TIME, TOO.
YES, I KNOW THAT.
BUT I...

YES, I KNOW THAT.
BUT I...
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

BUT I...
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU AGAIN.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU AGAIN.
OH, GOD, IT'S 6:30!

THANK YOU AGAIN.
OH, GOD, IT'S 6:30!
YEAH...

OH, GOD, IT'S 6:30!
YEAH...
TIME REALLY GOES BY

YEAH...
TIME REALLY GOES BY
WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

TIME REALLY GOES BY
WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN.
YEAH.

WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN.
YEAH.
OH, GOD...

YEAH.
OH, GOD...
OH, GOD, YOU'RE WEARING

OH, GOD...
OH, GOD, YOU'RE WEARING
MY SHIRT!

OH, GOD, YOU'RE WEARING
MY SHIRT!
YEAH, I WAS COLD.

MY SHIRT!
YEAH, I WAS COLD.
OKAY, OKAY NOW, DON'T PANIC.

YEAH, I WAS COLD.
OKAY, OKAY NOW, DON'T PANIC.
ALL RIGHT, CALMLY,

OKAY, OKAY NOW, DON'T PANIC.
ALL RIGHT, CALMLY,
LET'S TAKE IT REAL CALMLY NOW.

ALL RIGHT, CALMLY,
LET'S TAKE IT REAL CALMLY NOW.
ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TAKE IT REAL CALMLY NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, NOW.

ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, NOW.
TAKE THE SHIRT OFF, AND PLEASE

OKAY, NOW.
TAKE THE SHIRT OFF, AND PLEASE
GOD, DON'T GET YOURSELF ON IT.

TAKE THE SHIRT OFF, AND PLEASE
GOD, DON'T GET YOURSELF ON IT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GOD, DON'T GET YOURSELF ON IT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MY WIFE HAS AN INCREDIBLE

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MY WIFE HAS AN INCREDIBLE
SENSE OF SMELL.

MY WIFE HAS AN INCREDIBLE
SENSE OF SMELL.
YOU'RE CRAZY.

SENSE OF SMELL.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
NO, I AM TELLING YOU.

YOU'RE CRAZY.
NO, I AM TELLING YOU.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO TO

NO, I AM TELLING YOU.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO TO
SOMEONE'S HOUSE?

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO TO
SOMEONE'S HOUSE?
AND THEIR DOG CAN SMELL

SOMEONE'S HOUSE?
AND THEIR DOG CAN SMELL
YOUR DOG ON YOU?

AND THEIR DOG CAN SMELL
YOUR DOG ON YOU?
[LAUGHTER]

YOUR DOG ON YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU SEE, THAT'S NANCY.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU SEE, THAT'S NANCY.
WHAT IS SHE, A BLOODHOUND?

WELL, YOU SEE, THAT'S NANCY.
WHAT IS SHE, A BLOODHOUND?
NO, NANCY'S A WONDERFUL...

WHAT IS SHE, A BLOODHOUND?
NO, NANCY'S A WONDERFUL...
WOMAN.

NO, NANCY'S A WONDERFUL...
WOMAN.
A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN.

WOMAN.
A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN.
A VERY, VERY SPECIAL LADY.

A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN.
A VERY, VERY SPECIAL LADY.
AND I REALLY DON'T DESERVE HER.

A VERY, VERY SPECIAL LADY.
AND I REALLY DON'T DESERVE HER.
WELL, HERE YOU GO, SPORT.

AND I REALLY DON'T DESERVE HER.
WELL, HERE YOU GO, SPORT.
THANK YOU.

WELL, HERE YOU GO, SPORT.
THANK YOU.
OH, NO...

THANK YOU.
OH, NO...
OH, NO, I CAN SMELL YOU!

OH, NO...
OH, NO, I CAN SMELL YOU!
DO I SMELL GOOD?

OH, NO, I CAN SMELL YOU!
DO I SMELL GOOD?
OH, YES, VERY NICE.

DO I SMELL GOOD?
OH, YES, VERY NICE.
BUT I WANT THE SHIRT TO SMELL

OH, YES, VERY NICE.
BUT I WANT THE SHIRT TO SMELL
LIKE ME AGAIN.

BUT I WANT THE SHIRT TO SMELL
LIKE ME AGAIN.
YOU SEE, THE SHIRT HAS

LIKE ME AGAIN.
YOU SEE, THE SHIRT HAS
TO SMELL LIKE ME AGAIN.

YOU SEE, THE SHIRT HAS
TO SMELL LIKE ME AGAIN.
LET'S SEE, I, UH..

TO SMELL LIKE ME AGAIN.
LET'S SEE, I, UH..
I WENT TO THE GYM,

LET'S SEE, I, UH..
I WENT TO THE GYM,
YES, I WENT TO THE GYM.

I WENT TO THE GYM,
YES, I WENT TO THE GYM.
AND I EXERCISED AT THE GYM,

YES, I WENT TO THE GYM.
AND I EXERCISED AT THE GYM,
THAT'S RIGHT, I EXERCISED

AND I EXERCISED AT THE GYM,
THAT'S RIGHT, I EXERCISED
AT THE GYM, AND I MET JIM.

THAT'S RIGHT, I EXERCISED
AT THE GYM, AND I MET JIM.
NO, NO, NO, NO.

AT THE GYM, AND I MET JIM.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE REALLY QUITE THE

NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE REALLY QUITE THE
SWINGER, AREN'T YOU, RON?

YOU'RE REALLY QUITE THE
SWINGER, AREN'T YOU, RON?
OH, NO.

SWINGER, AREN'T YOU, RON?
OH, NO.
NO, NOT REALLY,

OH, NO.
NO, NOT REALLY,
YOU'D BE SURPRISED.

NO, NOT REALLY,
YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
OH, GOOD, I'M BEGINNING

YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
OH, GOOD, I'M BEGINNING
TO SWEAT.

OH, GOOD, I'M BEGINNING
TO SWEAT.
OOH!

TO SWEAT.
OOH!
I USED TO DO THIS

OOH!
I USED TO DO THIS
WITH MY FATHER!

I USED TO DO THIS
WITH MY FATHER!
YOU USED TO DO THIS

WITH MY FATHER!
YOU USED TO DO THIS
WITH YOUR FATHER?

YOU USED TO DO THIS
WITH YOUR FATHER?
KAREN?

WITH YOUR FATHER?
KAREN?
WHAT?

KAREN?
WHAT?
IT OCCURS TO ME THAT

WHAT?
IT OCCURS TO ME THAT
THIS IS WORKING AGAINST

IT OCCURS TO ME THAT
THIS IS WORKING AGAINST
OUR PURPOSE HERE.

THIS IS WORKING AGAINST
OUR PURPOSE HERE.
RELAX, RONALD.

OUR PURPOSE HERE.
RELAX, RONALD.
YOU'RE BEGINNING TO STINK.

RELAX, RONALD.
YOU'RE BEGINNING TO STINK.
OH, REALLY?

YOU'RE BEGINNING TO STINK.
OH, REALLY?
REALLY!

OH, REALLY?
REALLY!
IS THAT REALLY TRUE?

REALLY!
IS THAT REALLY TRUE?
YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT

IS THAT REALLY TRUE?
YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT
JUST TO BE POLITE, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT
JUST TO BE POLITE, ARE YOU?
NO, YOU REALLY SMELL.

JUST TO BE POLITE, ARE YOU?
NO, YOU REALLY SMELL.
OH, GOOD!

NO, YOU REALLY SMELL.
OH, GOOD!
THANK YOU!

OH, GOOD!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I, UH...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I, UH...
I KNOW I SHOULD GO, BUT I, UH..

I, UH...
I KNOW I SHOULD GO, BUT I, UH..
I SHOULD TALK TO YOU.

I KNOW I SHOULD GO, BUT I, UH..
I SHOULD TALK TO YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?

I SHOULD TALK TO YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
I FEEL GREAT.

HOW ARE YOU?
I FEEL GREAT.
UH-HUH.

I FEEL GREAT.
UH-HUH.
UM...

UH-HUH.
UM...
I HAD A GREAT TIME.

UM...
I HAD A GREAT TIME.
OH, THANK YOU.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY

THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY
A GREAT LOVER.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY
A GREAT LOVER.
THANK YOU!

A GREAT LOVER.
THANK YOU!
YOU ARE, TOO.

THANK YOU!
YOU ARE, TOO.
I THINK WHAT WE DO HERE IS FINE.

YOU ARE, TOO.
I THINK WHAT WE DO HERE IS FINE.
WHERE ARE MY PANTS?

I THINK WHAT WE DO HERE IS FINE.
WHERE ARE MY PANTS?
THANK YOU.

WHERE ARE MY PANTS?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL...
RON...

WELL...
RON...
HOW WAS I?

RON...
HOW WAS I?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW.

HOW WAS I?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW.
YOU... YOU WERE FINE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW.
YOU... YOU WERE FINE.
YOU WERE JUST FINE.

YOU... YOU WERE FINE.
YOU WERE JUST FINE.
YOU WERE TERRIFIC.

YOU WERE JUST FINE.
YOU WERE TERRIFIC.
AS ALWAYS.

YOU WERE TERRIFIC.
AS ALWAYS.
THANK YOU.

AS ALWAYS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU AGAIN.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU AGAIN.
YOU'RE A VERY, VERY NICE PERSON.

THANK YOU AGAIN.
YOU'RE A VERY, VERY NICE PERSON.
THANK YOU.

YOU'RE A VERY, VERY NICE PERSON.
THANK YOU.
I'M A BAD PERSON.

THANK YOU.
I'M A BAD PERSON.
I'M THE PROBLEM!

I'M A BAD PERSON.
I'M THE PROBLEM!
I'M THE IDIOT!

I'M THE PROBLEM!
I'M THE IDIOT!
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS,

I'M THE IDIOT!
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS,
THIS WAS A MISTAKE!

I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS,
THIS WAS A MISTAKE!
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?

THIS WAS A MISTAKE!
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?

WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?
WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SEX?

WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?
WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SEX?
BECAUSE YOU'RE HUMAN, RON!

WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SEX?
BECAUSE YOU'RE HUMAN, RON!
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ANIMAL!

BECAUSE YOU'RE HUMAN, RON!
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ANIMAL!
WHY AM I HERE?

BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ANIMAL!
WHY AM I HERE?
WHY AM I HERE?

WHY AM I HERE?
WHY AM I HERE?
WHY AM I HERE?

WHY AM I HERE?
WHY AM I HERE?
NANCY'S AT HOME,

WHY AM I HERE?
NANCY'S AT HOME,
SHE PROBABLY HAS DINNER

NANCY'S AT HOME,
SHE PROBABLY HAS DINNER
ON THE STOVE WAITING FOR ME!

SHE PROBABLY HAS DINNER
ON THE STOVE WAITING FOR ME!
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO THIS FOR?

ON THE STOVE WAITING FOR ME!
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO THIS FOR?
WHY, WHY, WHY?

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO THIS FOR?
WHY, WHY, WHY?
[KNOCKING]

[SCREAMS LIGHTLY]

I'LL GET IT.

NANCY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!
YES!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!
YES!
RONALD IS IN THE BATHROOM!

YES!
RONALD IS IN THE BATHROOM!
HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND US!

RONALD IS IN THE BATHROOM!
HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND US!
YOU SMELLED US?

HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND US!
YOU SMELLED US?
[LAUGHTER]

YOU SMELLED US?
[LAUGHTER]
BOY, THAT'S AMAZING!

[LAUGHTER]
BOY, THAT'S AMAZING!
OH, AND LOOK AT YOU, YOU SWEET

BOY, THAT'S AMAZING!
OH, AND LOOK AT YOU, YOU SWEET
THING, YOU BROUGHT US DINNER!

OH, AND LOOK AT YOU, YOU SWEET
THING, YOU BROUGHT US DINNER!
I'M SURE RON WILL BE STARVED!

THING, YOU BROUGHT US DINNER!
I'M SURE RON WILL BE STARVED!
YOU KNOW, HE'S BEEN TO THE GYM,

I'M SURE RON WILL BE STARVED!
YOU KNOW, HE'S BEEN TO THE GYM,
AND THEN, WELL, WE HAD

YOU KNOW, HE'S BEEN TO THE GYM,
AND THEN, WELL, WE HAD
QUITE A WORKOUT HERE!

RON?
RON, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW,
I WAS JUST KIDDING.

RON, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW,
I WAS JUST KIDDING.
RON.

I WAS JUST KIDDING.
RON.
RON, IT'S ROOM SERVICE!

RON.
RON, IT'S ROOM SERVICE!
REMEMBER, WE ORDERED?

RON, IT'S ROOM SERVICE!
REMEMBER, WE ORDERED?
COME HERE, PLEASE.

REMEMBER, WE ORDERED?
COME HERE, PLEASE.
WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING?

UH...
IT'S OKAY, RON, MAN.
[LAUGHTER]

IT'S OKAY, RON, MAN.
[LAUGHTER]
UH, IT'S JUST ROOM SERVICE,

[LAUGHTER]
UH, IT'S JUST ROOM SERVICE,
BABY.

UH, IT'S JUST ROOM SERVICE,
BABY.
COME ON OUT AND EAT SOMETHING

BABY.
COME ON OUT AND EAT SOMETHING
MAYBE YOU'LL FEEL BETTER,

COME ON OUT AND EAT SOMETHING
MAYBE YOU'LL FEEL BETTER,
YOU KNOW?

MAYBE YOU'LL FEEL BETTER,
YOU KNOW?
UH, YOU KNOW,

YOU KNOW?
UH, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S REALLY NOT NICE, LADY.

UH, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S REALLY NOT NICE, LADY.
HEY, RON!

THAT'S REALLY NOT NICE, LADY.
HEY, RON!
YOU GOT A PRETTY LADY HERE, MAN,

HEY, RON!
YOU GOT A PRETTY LADY HERE, MAN,
SHE'S GOOD-LOOKING, BUT MEA-EAN!

YOU GOT A PRETTY LADY HERE, MAN,
SHE'S GOOD-LOOKING, BUT MEA-EAN!
THERE YOU GO.

SHE'S GOOD-LOOKING, BUT MEA-EAN!
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, NICE TALKING TO YOU, RON!

COME ON OUT, RON!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
MY ARM IS NUMB.
I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE.

MY ARM IS NUMB.
I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE.
DO YOU WANT ME

I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO CALL AN AMBULANCE?

DO YOU WANT ME
TO CALL AN AMBULANCE?
NO, NO, NO!

TO CALL AN AMBULANCE?
NO, NO, NO!
IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR ALL

NO, NO, NO!
IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR ALL
CONCERNED IF I DIED IN THE CAB

IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR ALL
CONCERNED IF I DIED IN THE CAB
ON THE WAY HOME.

CONCERNED IF I DIED IN THE CAB
ON THE WAY HOME.
OH, YOU POOR MAN,

ON THE WAY HOME.
OH, YOU POOR MAN,
YOU BETTER LIE DOWN.

OH, YOU POOR MAN,
YOU BETTER LIE DOWN.
NO, NO.

YOU BETTER LIE DOWN.
NO, NO.
I'VE GOT TO GO HOME NOW.

NO, NO.
I'VE GOT TO GO HOME NOW.
OH, I CAN'T LET YOU GO

I'VE GOT TO GO HOME NOW.
OH, I CAN'T LET YOU GO
IF YOU'RE HAVING A STROKE.

OH, I CAN'T LET YOU GO
IF YOU'RE HAVING A STROKE.
[CHUCKLES]

IF YOU'RE HAVING A STROKE.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M PROBABLY NOT HAVING

[CHUCKLES]
I'M PROBABLY NOT HAVING
A STROKE.

I'M PROBABLY NOT HAVING
A STROKE.
I THINK I JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD.

A STROKE.
I THINK I JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD.
NOT GOOD AT ALL,

I THINK I JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD.
NOT GOOD AT ALL,
AND I WANT TO GO HOME!

NOT GOOD AT ALL,
AND I WANT TO GO HOME!
YOU CAN HAVE MY DINNER, HERE.

AND I WANT TO GO HOME!
YOU CAN HAVE MY DINNER, HERE.
I GUESS YOU PAID FOR IT.

YOU CAN HAVE MY DINNER, HERE.
I GUESS YOU PAID FOR IT.
AH, HERE, NO... NO, NO.

I GUESS YOU PAID FOR IT.
AH, HERE, NO... NO, NO.
IF I LEAVE MONEY,

AH, HERE, NO... NO, NO.
IF I LEAVE MONEY,
IT'S TOO MUCH LIKE I'M...

IF I LEAVE MONEY,
IT'S TOO MUCH LIKE I'M...
LEAVING MONEY, UH,

IT'S TOO MUCH LIKE I'M...
LEAVING MONEY, UH,
I GOTTA GO HOME.

LEAVING MONEY, UH,
I GOTTA GO HOME.
UH, THANK YOU.

I GOTTA GO HOME.
UH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

UH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, GOODBYE.

I'M SORRY.
WELL, GOODBYE.
GOTTA GO.

UH-OH.
OH, BOY.
OH, BOY.

OH, BOY.
OH, BOY.
UH-OH.

OH, BOY.
UH-OH.
OH, GOD!

UH-OH.
OH, GOD!
OH, BOY.

OH, GOD!
OH, BOY.
ALL RIGHT.

OH, BOY.
ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE JUST VERY QUICKLY.

ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE JUST VERY QUICKLY.
YES!

MAYBE JUST VERY QUICKLY.
YES!
YOU'RE SO NICE.

YES!
YOU'RE SO NICE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE SO NICE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL...

THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL...
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL...
THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE...]

Announcer: AND NOW,
WEEKEND UPDATE, WITH THE
WEEKEND UPDATE NEWS TEAM.

WEEKEND UPDATE, WITH THE
WEEKEND UPDATE NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS

WEEKEND UPDATE NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS...

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW, THE NEWS...
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
RUMBLING WITH STRONG EARTHQUAKES

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
RUMBLING WITH STRONG EARTHQUAKES
AND SPEWING TONS OF STEAMED

RUMBLING WITH STRONG EARTHQUAKES
AND SPEWING TONS OF STEAMED
MUD AND VOLCANIC GRIT,

AND SPEWING TONS OF STEAMED
MUD AND VOLCANIC GRIT,
WASHINGTON STATE'S 9,677-FOOT

MUD AND VOLCANIC GRIT,
WASHINGTON STATE'S 9,677-FOOT
VOLCANO, MOUNT ST. HELENS,

WASHINGTON STATE'S 9,677-FOOT
VOLCANO, MOUNT ST. HELENS,
IS ABOUT READY TO BLOW.

VOLCANO, MOUNT ST. HELENS,
IS ABOUT READY TO BLOW.
GEOLOGISTS AGREE THAT A MAJOR

IS ABOUT READY TO BLOW.
GEOLOGISTS AGREE THAT A MAJOR
ERUPTION IS IMMINENT,

GEOLOGISTS AGREE THAT A MAJOR
ERUPTION IS IMMINENT,
AND COULD CAUSE WIDESPREAD

ERUPTION IS IMMINENT,
AND COULD CAUSE WIDESPREAD
DISASTER IN THE PACIFIC

AND COULD CAUSE WIDESPREAD
DISASTER IN THE PACIFIC
NORTHWEST.

DISASTER IN THE PACIFIC
NORTHWEST.
SO, WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME,

NORTHWEST.
SO, WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME,
WE'D LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE TO OUR

SO, WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME,
WE'D LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE TO OUR
NBC AFFILIATE STATIONS KHQ-TV IN

WE'D LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE TO OUR
NBC AFFILIATE STATIONS KHQ-TV IN
SPOKANE, AND KING-TV IN SEATTLE.

NBC AFFILIATE STATIONS KHQ-TV IN
SPOKANE, AND KING-TV IN SEATTLE.
WE'LL MISS YOU GUYS!

SPOKANE, AND KING-TV IN SEATTLE.
WE'LL MISS YOU GUYS!
[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL MISS YOU GUYS!
[LAUGHTER]
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

[LAUGHTER]
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
HOPEFUL JOHN ANDERSON

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
HOPEFUL JOHN ANDERSON
IS TAKING SOME TIME OFF

HOPEFUL JOHN ANDERSON
IS TAKING SOME TIME OFF
TO CONSIDER RUNNING AS A

IS TAKING SOME TIME OFF
TO CONSIDER RUNNING AS A
THIRD-PARTY CANDIDATE IN

TO CONSIDER RUNNING AS A
THIRD-PARTY CANDIDATE IN
NOVEMBER.

THIRD-PARTY CANDIDATE IN
NOVEMBER.
ANDERSON WAS CAUGHT HERE IN A

NOVEMBER.
ANDERSON WAS CAUGHT HERE IN A
RARE MOMENT OF RELAXATION,

ANDERSON WAS CAUGHT HERE IN A
RARE MOMENT OF RELAXATION,
SNIFFING A COKE AT NEW YORK'S

RARE MOMENT OF RELAXATION,
SNIFFING A COKE AT NEW YORK'S
STUDIO 54.

SNIFFING A COKE AT NEW YORK'S
STUDIO 54.
WELL, THE EARLY RETURNS FOR THE

STUDIO 54.
WELL, THE EARLY RETURNS FOR THE
1980 CENSUS ARE COMING IN,

WELL, THE EARLY RETURNS FOR THE
1980 CENSUS ARE COMING IN,
AND IT APPEARS THAT THE RESULTS

1980 CENSUS ARE COMING IN,
AND IT APPEARS THAT THE RESULTS
ARE FAIRLY PREDICTABLE.

AND IT APPEARS THAT THE RESULTS
ARE FAIRLY PREDICTABLE.
AS PROJECTED, THE POPULATION

ARE FAIRLY PREDICTABLE.
AS PROJECTED, THE POPULATION
WILL EXCEED 250 MILLION PEOPLE.

AS PROJECTED, THE POPULATION
WILL EXCEED 250 MILLION PEOPLE.
THE AVERAGE FAMILY SIZE HAS

WILL EXCEED 250 MILLION PEOPLE.
THE AVERAGE FAMILY SIZE HAS
DECREASED FROM 4.5 TO 3.1,

THE AVERAGE FAMILY SIZE HAS
DECREASED FROM 4.5 TO 3.1,
AND 60% MORE WIVES HAVE JOINED

DECREASED FROM 4.5 TO 3.1,
AND 60% MORE WIVES HAVE JOINED
THE WORKFORCE.

AND 60% MORE WIVES HAVE JOINED
THE WORKFORCE.
THUS FAR, THE ONLY SURPRISE

THE WORKFORCE.
THUS FAR, THE ONLY SURPRISE
SEEMS TO BE THAT 99 OUT OF 100

THUS FAR, THE ONLY SURPRISE
SEEMS TO BE THAT 99 OUT OF 100
AMERICANS HAVE A TOILET

SEEMS TO BE THAT 99 OUT OF 100
AMERICANS HAVE A TOILET
IN THEIR KITCHEN.

AMERICANS HAVE A TOILET
IN THEIR KITCHEN.
DO YOU HAVE A TOILET

IN THEIR KITCHEN.
DO YOU HAVE A TOILET
IN YOUR KITCHEN, BILL?

DO YOU HAVE A TOILET
IN YOUR KITCHEN, BILL?
NO, I USE THE CUISINART.

IN YOUR KITCHEN, BILL?
NO, I USE THE CUISINART.
[LAUGHTER]

NO, I USE THE CUISINART.
[LAUGHTER]
CAMPAIGNING YESTERDAY IN

[LAUGHTER]
CAMPAIGNING YESTERDAY IN
LOUISIANA, FORMER C.I.A.

CAMPAIGNING YESTERDAY IN
LOUISIANA, FORMER C.I.A.
DIRECTOR GEORGE BUSH FINALLY

LOUISIANA, FORMER C.I.A.
DIRECTOR GEORGE BUSH FINALLY
REVERTED TO HIS ESPIONAGE

DIRECTOR GEORGE BUSH FINALLY
REVERTED TO HIS ESPIONAGE
TRAINING, WHEN, AFTER DELIVERING

REVERTED TO HIS ESPIONAGE
TRAINING, WHEN, AFTER DELIVERING
A SPEECH, HE PROCEEDED TO

TRAINING, WHEN, AFTER DELIVERING
A SPEECH, HE PROCEEDED TO
MEMORIZE AND EAT IT.

A SPEECH, HE PROCEEDED TO
MEMORIZE AND EAT IT.
BUSH COMMENTED LATER, "IT WAS

MEMORIZE AND EAT IT.
BUSH COMMENTED LATER, "IT WAS
JUST A REFLEX, AND, BESIDES,

BUSH COMMENTED LATER, "IT WAS
JUST A REFLEX, AND, BESIDES,
IF THE VOTERS COULD SWALLOW MY

JUST A REFLEX, AND, BESIDES,
IF THE VOTERS COULD SWALLOW MY
SPEECHES, WHY CAN'T I?"

IF THE VOTERS COULD SWALLOW MY
SPEECHES, WHY CAN'T I?"
DAN RATHER WAS ON SPECIAL

SPEECHES, WHY CAN'T I?"
DAN RATHER WAS ON SPECIAL
ASSIGNMENT THIS WEEK IN

DAN RATHER WAS ON SPECIAL
ASSIGNMENT THIS WEEK IN
AFGHANISTAN, DISGUISING HIMSELF

ASSIGNMENT THIS WEEK IN
AFGHANISTAN, DISGUISING HIMSELF
AS AN AFGHANI REBEL IN ORDER

AFGHANISTAN, DISGUISING HIMSELF
AS AN AFGHANI REBEL IN ORDER
TO OBTAIN MATERIAL FOR

AS AN AFGHANI REBEL IN ORDER
TO OBTAIN MATERIAL FOR
A REPORT AIRING ON 60 MINUTES

TO OBTAIN MATERIAL FOR
A REPORT AIRING ON 60 MINUTES
TOMORROW NIGHT.

A REPORT AIRING ON 60 MINUTES
TOMORROW NIGHT.
WEEKEND UPDATE HAS LEARNED THAT

TOMORROW NIGHT.
WEEKEND UPDATE HAS LEARNED THAT
THE RATHER REPORT IS AN

WEEKEND UPDATE HAS LEARNED THAT
THE RATHER REPORT IS AN
EXPLOSIVE ONE, REVEALING

THE RATHER REPORT IS AN
EXPLOSIVE ONE, REVEALING
NUMEROUS CASES OF OVERCHARGING

EXPLOSIVE ONE, REVEALING
NUMEROUS CASES OF OVERCHARGING
BY AFGHANI CAB DRIVERS.

NUMEROUS CASES OF OVERCHARGING
BY AFGHANI CAB DRIVERS.
AND MEESHU, THE LOVABLE CIRCUS

BY AFGHANI CAB DRIVERS.
AND MEESHU, THE LOVABLE CIRCUS
MIDGET, WAS EXECUTED BY

AND MEESHU, THE LOVABLE CIRCUS
MIDGET, WAS EXECUTED BY
A FIRING SQUAD THIS WEEK

MIDGET, WAS EXECUTED BY
A FIRING SQUAD THIS WEEK
IN SEA GIRT, NEW JERSEY.

A FIRING SQUAD THIS WEEK
IN SEA GIRT, NEW JERSEY.
NO EXPLANATION WAS GIVEN.

IN SEA GIRT, NEW JERSEY.
NO EXPLANATION WAS GIVEN.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR SPORTS

NO EXPLANATION WAS GIVEN.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR SPORTS
AND OUR OWN BIG VIC RICKER.

WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR SPORTS
AND OUR OWN BIG VIC RICKER.
I SAW THE VICKER IN THE NEWS

AND OUR OWN BIG VIC RICKER.
I SAW THE VICKER IN THE NEWS
ROOM A LITTLE WHILE BACK.

I SAW THE VICKER IN THE NEWS
ROOM A LITTLE WHILE BACK.
HE MUST BE STEAMING BECAUSE HIS

ROOM A LITTLE WHILE BACK.
HE MUST BE STEAMING BECAUSE HIS
FINGERS WERE JUST POUNDING AWAY

HE MUST BE STEAMING BECAUSE HIS
FINGERS WERE JUST POUNDING AWAY
ON THOSE KEYS AND HE CAN'T

FINGERS WERE JUST POUNDING AWAY
ON THOSE KEYS AND HE CAN'T
EVEN TYPE. [LAUGHS]

ON THOSE KEYS AND HE CAN'T
EVEN TYPE. [LAUGHS]
VICKER, GO GET 'EM.

EVEN TYPE. [LAUGHS]
VICKER, GO GET 'EM.
BILL, YOU'RE A RASCAL.

VICKER, GO GET 'EM.
BILL, YOU'RE A RASCAL.
HELLO AGAIN, EVERYBODY!

BILL, YOU'RE A RASCAL.
HELLO AGAIN, EVERYBODY!
YOU WANNA TALK EXCITEMENT

HELLO AGAIN, EVERYBODY!
YOU WANNA TALK EXCITEMENT
IN SPORTS?

YOU WANNA TALK EXCITEMENT
IN SPORTS?
HEY, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DARRYL

IN SPORTS?
HEY, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DARRYL
DAWKINS DUNKS AND YOUR JOHN TATE

HEY, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DARRYL
DAWKINS DUNKS AND YOUR JOHN TATE
DECKINGS.

DAWKINS DUNKS AND YOUR JOHN TATE
DECKINGS.
FOR PURE ELECTRIC ADRENALINE

DECKINGS.
FOR PURE ELECTRIC ADRENALINE
IT'S JUST GOTTA BE NANCY LOPEZ

FOR PURE ELECTRIC ADRENALINE
IT'S JUST GOTTA BE NANCY LOPEZ
WINNING LAST WEEK'S KEMPER OPEN.

IT'S JUST GOTTA BE NANCY LOPEZ
WINNING LAST WEEK'S KEMPER OPEN.
LET'S GO TO THE VIDEO TAPE.

WINNING LAST WEEK'S KEMPER OPEN.
LET'S GO TO THE VIDEO TAPE.
PICK IT UP ON 16.

LET'S GO TO THE VIDEO TAPE.
PICK IT UP ON 16.
NANCY IN THE VISITOR'S PASTEL.

PICK IT UP ON 16.
NANCY IN THE VISITOR'S PASTEL.
OKAY, TAKES A LOOK, TAKES THE

NANCY IN THE VISITOR'S PASTEL.
OKAY, TAKES A LOOK, TAKES THE
SWING, OH, DOCTOR!

OKAY, TAKES A LOOK, TAKES THE
SWING, OH, DOCTOR!
WHAT A DRIVE!

SWING, OH, DOCTOR!
WHAT A DRIVE!
THEN IT'S BARNBURNER CITY

WHAT A DRIVE!
THEN IT'S BARNBURNER CITY
ON THE APPROACH SHOT.

THEN IT'S BARNBURNER CITY
ON THE APPROACH SHOT.
HEY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

ON THE APPROACH SHOT.
HEY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
GIMME A BREAK!

HEY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
GIMME A BREAK!
OPEN THE FRONT DOOR AUNT MILLIE,

GIMME A BREAK!
OPEN THE FRONT DOOR AUNT MILLIE,
THIS ONE'S GOING IN THE HOLE!

OPEN THE FRONT DOOR AUNT MILLIE,
THIS ONE'S GOING IN THE HOLE!
LET'S SEE THAT ONE MORE TIME.

THIS ONE'S GOING IN THE HOLE!
LET'S SEE THAT ONE MORE TIME.
OKAY, LET'S DON'T.

LET'S SEE THAT ONE MORE TIME.
OKAY, LET'S DON'T.
ANYWAY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

OKAY, LET'S DON'T.
ANYWAY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
MORE PEOPLE DON'T BET ON

ANYWAY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
MORE PEOPLE DON'T BET ON
WOMEN'S GOLF.

MORE PEOPLE DON'T BET ON
WOMEN'S GOLF.
I TELL YA, THAT'S QUITE A GAME.

WOMEN'S GOLF.
I TELL YA, THAT'S QUITE A GAME.
MISS NANCY LOPEZ IS GONNA BE

I TELL YA, THAT'S QUITE A GAME.
MISS NANCY LOPEZ IS GONNA BE
THE LEE TREVINO OF THE FUTURE.

MISS NANCY LOPEZ IS GONNA BE
THE LEE TREVINO OF THE FUTURE.
NOW, BASEBALL IS GETTING TO BE

THE LEE TREVINO OF THE FUTURE.
NOW, BASEBALL IS GETTING TO BE
PREDICTABLE.

NOW, BASEBALL IS GETTING TO BE
PREDICTABLE.
THE BALL PLAYERS ARE GONNA GO

PREDICTABLE.
THE BALL PLAYERS ARE GONNA GO
OUT ON STRIKE AGAIN.

THE BALL PLAYERS ARE GONNA GO
OUT ON STRIKE AGAIN.
NOBODY EVER ACCUSED THE VICKER

OUT ON STRIKE AGAIN.
NOBODY EVER ACCUSED THE VICKER
OF BEING A PHI BETA ANYTHING

NOBODY EVER ACCUSED THE VICKER
OF BEING A PHI BETA ANYTHING
BUT HOW'S THIS FOR DUMB?

OF BEING A PHI BETA ANYTHING
BUT HOW'S THIS FOR DUMB?
THE PLAYERS WENT ON STRIKE

BUT HOW'S THIS FOR DUMB?
THE PLAYERS WENT ON STRIKE
FOR THE LAST WEEK OF SPRING

THE PLAYERS WENT ON STRIKE
FOR THE LAST WEEK OF SPRING
TRAINING, THEY'RE GONNA GO

FOR THE LAST WEEK OF SPRING
TRAINING, THEY'RE GONNA GO
BACK TO WORK FOR OPENING

TRAINING, THEY'RE GONNA GO
BACK TO WORK FOR OPENING
OF THE SEASON, THEY'RE GONNA GO

BACK TO WORK FOR OPENING
OF THE SEASON, THEY'RE GONNA GO
BACK ON STRIKE MAY 23rd!

OF THE SEASON, THEY'RE GONNA GO
BACK ON STRIKE MAY 23rd!
MAY 23rd?

BACK ON STRIKE MAY 23rd!
MAY 23rd?
WHY NOT JULY 17th?

MAY 23rd?
WHY NOT JULY 17th?
WHY NOT AUGUST 12th?

WHY NOT JULY 17th?
WHY NOT AUGUST 12th?
MAYBE THEY COULD ONLY GO

WHY NOT AUGUST 12th?
MAYBE THEY COULD ONLY GO
ON STRIKE FOR THE FIRST THREE

MAYBE THEY COULD ONLY GO
ON STRIKE FOR THE FIRST THREE
INNINGS OF EVERY GAME.

ON STRIKE FOR THE FIRST THREE
INNINGS OF EVERY GAME.
HEY, HERE'S ONE!

INNINGS OF EVERY GAME.
HEY, HERE'S ONE!
THE HOME TEAM COULD GO

HEY, HERE'S ONE!
THE HOME TEAM COULD GO
ON STRIKE.

THE HOME TEAM COULD GO
ON STRIKE.
MAKE THE ROAD TRIPS

ON STRIKE.
MAKE THE ROAD TRIPS
A LITTLE EASIER.

MAKE THE ROAD TRIPS
A LITTLE EASIER.
WILL YOU GIVE ME ANOTHER BREAK?

A LITTLE EASIER.
WILL YOU GIVE ME ANOTHER BREAK?
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT

WILL YOU GIVE ME ANOTHER BREAK?
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
BASEBALL PLAYERS!

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
BASEBALL PLAYERS!
THESE ARE THE PAMPERED PSEUDO

BASEBALL PLAYERS!
THESE ARE THE PAMPERED PSEUDO
ATHLETES WHO GET MORE MONEY

THESE ARE THE PAMPERED PSEUDO
ATHLETES WHO GET MORE MONEY
FOR ONE EXHAUSTING AFTERNOON

ATHLETES WHO GET MORE MONEY
FOR ONE EXHAUSTING AFTERNOON
STANDING IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR ONE EXHAUSTING AFTERNOON
STANDING IN THE SUNSHINE
ON THE ASTRO-TURF THAN A

STANDING IN THE SUNSHINE
ON THE ASTRO-TURF THAN A
COAL MINER TAKES HOME

ON THE ASTRO-TURF THAN A
COAL MINER TAKES HOME
IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS.

COAL MINER TAKES HOME
IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS.
THEN, WITH THEIR BASEBALL ANNIES

IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS.
THEN, WITH THEIR BASEBALL ANNIES
HANGIN' ON THEIR ARMS,

THEN, WITH THEIR BASEBALL ANNIES
HANGIN' ON THEIR ARMS,
THESE OVER-SEXED CRY BABIES

HANGIN' ON THEIR ARMS,
THESE OVER-SEXED CRY BABIES
HAVE THE NERVE TO TRY TO MUSCLE

THESE OVER-SEXED CRY BABIES
HAVE THE NERVE TO TRY TO MUSCLE
DISTINGUISHED BUSINESSMEN

HAVE THE NERVE TO TRY TO MUSCLE
DISTINGUISHED BUSINESSMEN
LIKE GEORGE STEINBRENNER AND

DISTINGUISHED BUSINESSMEN
LIKE GEORGE STEINBRENNER AND
CHARLES O'FINLEY INTO PAYING

LIKE GEORGE STEINBRENNER AND
CHARLES O'FINLEY INTO PAYING
FOR THEIR CHAUFFEURS AND THEIR

CHARLES O'FINLEY INTO PAYING
FOR THEIR CHAUFFEURS AND THEIR
PENSIONS AND THEIR GIRLFRIENDS'

FOR THEIR CHAUFFEURS AND THEIR
PENSIONS AND THEIR GIRLFRIENDS'
ABORTIONS.

PENSIONS AND THEIR GIRLFRIENDS'
ABORTIONS.
HEY, PARDON ME FOR THINKING

ABORTIONS.
HEY, PARDON ME FOR THINKING
CLEARLY, BUT MR. AND MRS. JOHN

HEY, PARDON ME FOR THINKING
CLEARLY, BUT MR. AND MRS. JOHN
AND JANE Q AVERAGE BALL FAN

CLEARLY, BUT MR. AND MRS. JOHN
AND JANE Q AVERAGE BALL FAN
AND LITTLE JOHN AND JANE Q JR.

AND JANE Q AVERAGE BALL FAN
AND LITTLE JOHN AND JANE Q JR.
DESERVE A LOT BETTER.

AND LITTLE JOHN AND JANE Q JR.
DESERVE A LOT BETTER.
THERE'S A LOT OF REAL ATHLETES

DESERVE A LOT BETTER.
THERE'S A LOT OF REAL ATHLETES
WHO GOT NOWHERE TO GO THIS

THERE'S A LOT OF REAL ATHLETES
WHO GOT NOWHERE TO GO THIS
SUMMER.

WHO GOT NOWHERE TO GO THIS
SUMMER.
SO WHY DON'T WE PUT OUR OLYMPIC

SUMMER.
SO WHY DON'T WE PUT OUR OLYMPIC
TEAMS IN THE BALLPARKS?

SO WHY DON'T WE PUT OUR OLYMPIC
TEAMS IN THE BALLPARKS?
HECK, IF YOU COULD HURL A

TEAMS IN THE BALLPARKS?
HECK, IF YOU COULD HURL A
DOGGONE JAVELIN, YOU CAN SURE

HECK, IF YOU COULD HURL A
DOGGONE JAVELIN, YOU CAN SURE
AS HECK THROW A BASEBALL.

DOGGONE JAVELIN, YOU CAN SURE
AS HECK THROW A BASEBALL.
AND IF THE SO-CALLED MAJOR

AS HECK THROW A BASEBALL.
AND IF THE SO-CALLED MAJOR
LEAGUERS GET TIRED OF HOLDING

AND IF THE SO-CALLED MAJOR
LEAGUERS GET TIRED OF HOLDING
PICKET SIGNS ALONG ABOUT, OH,

LEAGUERS GET TIRED OF HOLDING
PICKET SIGNS ALONG ABOUT, OH,
MAY 23rd, WELL THEY CAN GO

PICKET SIGNS ALONG ABOUT, OH,
MAY 23rd, WELL THEY CAN GO
STRIKE IN MOSCOW.

MAY 23rd, WELL THEY CAN GO
STRIKE IN MOSCOW.
HEY, GOOD LUCK, EVERYBODY!

STRIKE IN MOSCOW.
HEY, GOOD LUCK, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU VICKER.

HEY, GOOD LUCK, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU VICKER.
WE'RE GONNA GET SOME RUNNERS.

THANK YOU VICKER.
WE'RE GONNA GET SOME RUNNERS.
I'M GONNA GO TRAIN SOME!

WE'RE GONNA GET SOME RUNNERS.
I'M GONNA GO TRAIN SOME!
[BOTH LAUGH]

I'M GONNA GO TRAIN SOME!
[BOTH LAUGH]
JANE?

[BOTH LAUGH]
JANE?
THIS JUST IN:

JANE?
THIS JUST IN:
MEDICAL EXPERTS SAY THE SHAH'S

THIS JUST IN:
MEDICAL EXPERTS SAY THE SHAH'S
CANCER HAS SPREAD TO LIBYA.

MEDICAL EXPERTS SAY THE SHAH'S
CANCER HAS SPREAD TO LIBYA.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

CANCER HAS SPREAD TO LIBYA.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT
DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT
DEVELOPS.
AND NOW, TO TALK ABOUT INCOME

DEVELOPS.
AND NOW, TO TALK ABOUT INCOME
TAXES, IS WEEKEND UPDATE SOCIAL

AND NOW, TO TALK ABOUT INCOME
TAXES, IS WEEKEND UPDATE SOCIAL
SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN.

TAXES, IS WEEKEND UPDATE SOCIAL
SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN.
AL?

SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN.
AL?
WHY, THANKS, JANE.

AL?
WHY, THANKS, JANE.
WELL, NOW THAT IT'S TAX TIME,

WHY, THANKS, JANE.
WELL, NOW THAT IT'S TAX TIME,
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE

WELL, NOW THAT IT'S TAX TIME,
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE
ARE THINKING, WHAT CAN YOU DO TO

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE
ARE THINKING, WHAT CAN YOU DO TO
HELP ME, AL FRANKEN,

ARE THINKING, WHAT CAN YOU DO TO
HELP ME, AL FRANKEN,
DO MY TAXES.

HELP ME, AL FRANKEN,
DO MY TAXES.
WELL, FIRST, LET ME SAY

DO MY TAXES.
WELL, FIRST, LET ME SAY
THAT 1979 WAS A PRETTY GOOD YEAR

WELL, FIRST, LET ME SAY
THAT 1979 WAS A PRETTY GOOD YEAR
FOR ME, EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T

THAT 1979 WAS A PRETTY GOOD YEAR
FOR ME, EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T
PART OF THE AL FRANKEN DECADE.

FOR ME, EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T
PART OF THE AL FRANKEN DECADE.
AS A MAJOR WRITER / PERSONALITY

PART OF THE AL FRANKEN DECADE.
AS A MAJOR WRITER / PERSONALITY
FOR A MAJOR T.V. SHOW, I DID...

AS A MAJOR WRITER / PERSONALITY
FOR A MAJOR T.V. SHOW, I DID...
PRETTY WELL.

FOR A MAJOR T.V. SHOW, I DID...
PRETTY WELL.
NOW, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU

PRETTY WELL.
NOW, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU
EXACTLY WHAT I MADE, BECAUSE IT

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU
EXACTLY WHAT I MADE, BECAUSE IT
MIGHT MAKE A FEW OF YOU A LITTLE

EXACTLY WHAT I MADE, BECAUSE IT
MIGHT MAKE A FEW OF YOU A LITTLE
LESS LIKELY TO BE CONCERNED

MIGHT MAKE A FEW OF YOU A LITTLE
LESS LIKELY TO BE CONCERNED
ABOUT ME, AL FRANKEN.

LESS LIKELY TO BE CONCERNED
ABOUT ME, AL FRANKEN.
BUT LET'S JUST SAY THAT...

ABOUT ME, AL FRANKEN.
BUT LET'S JUST SAY THAT...
YOU'D BE PRETTY IMPRESSED.

BUT LET'S JUST SAY THAT...
YOU'D BE PRETTY IMPRESSED.
NOW, ONE NICE THING I'VE LEARNED

YOU'D BE PRETTY IMPRESSED.
NOW, ONE NICE THING I'VE LEARNED
ABOUT MAKING A LOT OF MONEY IS

NOW, ONE NICE THING I'VE LEARNED
ABOUT MAKING A LOT OF MONEY IS
THAT ON THE PERCENTAGE BASIS,

ABOUT MAKING A LOT OF MONEY IS
THAT ON THE PERCENTAGE BASIS,
THE MORE MONEY YOU MAKE,

THAT ON THE PERCENTAGE BASIS,
THE MORE MONEY YOU MAKE,
THE LESS TAXES YOU REALLY

THE MORE MONEY YOU MAKE,
THE LESS TAXES YOU REALLY
END UP PAYING.

THE LESS TAXES YOU REALLY
END UP PAYING.
FOR EXAMPLE, LAST YEAR, GEORGE

END UP PAYING.
FOR EXAMPLE, LAST YEAR, GEORGE
BUSH PAID $3,000 IN TAXES ON

FOR EXAMPLE, LAST YEAR, GEORGE
BUSH PAID $3,000 IN TAXES ON
ALMOST $100,000 INCOME.

BUSH PAID $3,000 IN TAXES ON
ALMOST $100,000 INCOME.
NOT BAD, GEORGE!

ALMOST $100,000 INCOME.
NOT BAD, GEORGE!
YOU SEE, THE TAX CODES ARE

NOT BAD, GEORGE!
YOU SEE, THE TAX CODES ARE
WRITTEN BY GUYS WHO MAKE A LOT

YOU SEE, THE TAX CODES ARE
WRITTEN BY GUYS WHO MAKE A LOT
OF MONEY... JUST LIKE ME,

WRITTEN BY GUYS WHO MAKE A LOT
OF MONEY... JUST LIKE ME,
AL FRANKEN.

OF MONEY... JUST LIKE ME,
AL FRANKEN.
OKAY, NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU

AL FRANKEN.
OKAY, NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU
A FEW OF THE WAYS THAT I

OKAY, NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU
A FEW OF THE WAYS THAT I
LEGALLY AVOID PAYING MY

A FEW OF THE WAYS THAT I
LEGALLY AVOID PAYING MY
FAIR SHARE OF TAXES.

LEGALLY AVOID PAYING MY
FAIR SHARE OF TAXES.
I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU

FAIR SHARE OF TAXES.
I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU
EVERYTHING... AFTER ALL, THIS IS

I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU
EVERYTHING... AFTER ALL, THIS IS
SOMETHING I PAY MY BIG-TIME

EVERYTHING... AFTER ALL, THIS IS
SOMETHING I PAY MY BIG-TIME
ACCOUNTANT FOR, WHOSE SERVICES,

SOMETHING I PAY MY BIG-TIME
ACCOUNTANT FOR, WHOSE SERVICES,
BY THE WAY, ARE DEDUCTIBLE.

ACCOUNTANT FOR, WHOSE SERVICES,
BY THE WAY, ARE DEDUCTIBLE.
NOW, FIRST, THE AL FRANKEN

BY THE WAY, ARE DEDUCTIBLE.
NOW, FIRST, THE AL FRANKEN
CORPORATION.

NOW, FIRST, THE AL FRANKEN
CORPORATION.
YOU SEE, I MAKE ONLY $300 A

CORPORATION.
YOU SEE, I MAKE ONLY $300 A
WEEK, PAID TO ME BY AL FRANKEN,

YOU SEE, I MAKE ONLY $300 A
WEEK, PAID TO ME BY AL FRANKEN,
THE CORPORATION.

WEEK, PAID TO ME BY AL FRANKEN,
THE CORPORATION.
NOW, THE REST OF THE MONEY TAKEN

THE CORPORATION.
NOW, THE REST OF THE MONEY TAKEN
IN BY THE AL FRANKEN CORPORATION

NOW, THE REST OF THE MONEY TAKEN
IN BY THE AL FRANKEN CORPORATION
GOES TO PAYING MANY OF THE

IN BY THE AL FRANKEN CORPORATION
GOES TO PAYING MANY OF THE
EXPENSES OF ITS EMPLOYEE...

GOES TO PAYING MANY OF THE
EXPENSES OF ITS EMPLOYEE...
ME, AL FRANKEN.

EXPENSES OF ITS EMPLOYEE...
ME, AL FRANKEN.
NOW, OF COURSE, THE MORE

ME, AL FRANKEN.
NOW, OF COURSE, THE MORE
BUSINESS EXPENSES THAT AL

NOW, OF COURSE, THE MORE
BUSINESS EXPENSES THAT AL
FRANKEN, ME AND AL FRANKEN,

BUSINESS EXPENSES THAT AL
FRANKEN, ME AND AL FRANKEN,
THE CORPORATION CAN DOCUMENT,

FRANKEN, ME AND AL FRANKEN,
THE CORPORATION CAN DOCUMENT,
THE LESS TAXES I HAVE TO PAY.

THE CORPORATION CAN DOCUMENT,
THE LESS TAXES I HAVE TO PAY.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO HOW YOU CAN

THE LESS TAXES I HAVE TO PAY.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO HOW YOU CAN
HELP ME, AL FRANKEN,

WHICH BRINGS ME TO HOW YOU CAN
HELP ME, AL FRANKEN,
WITH MY TAXES.

HELP ME, AL FRANKEN,
WITH MY TAXES.
I WOULD LIKE EACH AND EVERY ONE

WITH MY TAXES.
I WOULD LIKE EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF YOU TO SEND ME YOUR SPARE

I WOULD LIKE EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF YOU TO SEND ME YOUR SPARE
RECEIPTS.

OF YOU TO SEND ME YOUR SPARE
RECEIPTS.
I MEAN, ANY RECEIPTS.

RECEIPTS.
I MEAN, ANY RECEIPTS.
YOU SEE, SINCE I'M A COMEDIAN,

I MEAN, ANY RECEIPTS.
YOU SEE, SINCE I'M A COMEDIAN,
ALMOST EVERYTHING I SPEND CAN

YOU SEE, SINCE I'M A COMEDIAN,
ALMOST EVERYTHING I SPEND CAN
BE JUSTIFIED AS A BUSINESS

ALMOST EVERYTHING I SPEND CAN
BE JUSTIFIED AS A BUSINESS
EXPENSE.

BE JUSTIFIED AS A BUSINESS
EXPENSE.
FOR EXAMPLE, THIS SPORTS JACKET.

EXPENSE.
FOR EXAMPLE, THIS SPORTS JACKET.
SEE, I'M WEARING IT ON T.V.

FOR EXAMPLE, THIS SPORTS JACKET.
SEE, I'M WEARING IT ON T.V.
SO IT'S A BUSINESS EXPENSE.

SEE, I'M WEARING IT ON T.V.
SO IT'S A BUSINESS EXPENSE.
YOU SEE, THESE PANTS HERE.

SO IT'S A BUSINESS EXPENSE.
YOU SEE, THESE PANTS HERE.
NOW DEDUCTIBLE,

YOU SEE, THESE PANTS HERE.
NOW DEDUCTIBLE,
THEY'VE BEEN ON TV.

NOW DEDUCTIBLE,
THEY'VE BEEN ON TV.
OKAY, THIS WATCH.

THEY'VE BEEN ON TV.
OKAY, THIS WATCH.
IT'S AN EXPENSIVE WATCH,

OKAY, THIS WATCH.
IT'S AN EXPENSIVE WATCH,
IT'S NOW DEDUCTIBLE, OKAY?

IT'S AN EXPENSIVE WATCH,
IT'S NOW DEDUCTIBLE, OKAY?
THIS PORTABLE TAPE DECK.

IT'S NOW DEDUCTIBLE, OKAY?
THIS PORTABLE TAPE DECK.
IT'S GOT EVERYTHING...

THIS PORTABLE TAPE DECK.
IT'S GOT EVERYTHING...
NOW DEDUCTIBLE.

IT'S GOT EVERYTHING...
NOW DEDUCTIBLE.
NOW, THIS CHRISTMAS,

NOW DEDUCTIBLE.
NOW, THIS CHRISTMAS,
I WENT TO HAWAII.

NOW, THIS CHRISTMAS,
I WENT TO HAWAII.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF ME IN

I WENT TO HAWAII.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF ME IN
HAWAII, TAKEN BY SOME FRIENDS

HERE'S A PICTURE OF ME IN
HAWAII, TAKEN BY SOME FRIENDS
I MET THERE.

HAWAII, TAKEN BY SOME FRIENDS
I MET THERE.
AND, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

I MET THERE.
AND, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
CAN SEE US... CAN WE PULL IN

AND, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
CAN SEE US... CAN WE PULL IN
A LITTLE CLOSER THERE?

CAN SEE US... CAN WE PULL IN
A LITTLE CLOSER THERE?
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I COULDN'T HAVE

A LITTLE CLOSER THERE?
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I COULDN'T HAVE
TAKEN THIS PICTURE UNLESS I'D

NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I COULDN'T HAVE
TAKEN THIS PICTURE UNLESS I'D
ACTUALLY GONE TO HAWAII,

TAKEN THIS PICTURE UNLESS I'D
ACTUALLY GONE TO HAWAII,
AND STAYED IN A HOTEL THERE.

ACTUALLY GONE TO HAWAII,
AND STAYED IN A HOTEL THERE.
AND I THINK THAT YOU,

AND STAYED IN A HOTEL THERE.
AND I THINK THAT YOU,
THE AUDIENCE, YOU LIKE THIS

AND I THINK THAT YOU,
THE AUDIENCE, YOU LIKE THIS
PICTURE, DON'T YOU?

THE AUDIENCE, YOU LIKE THIS
PICTURE, DON'T YOU?
AM I RIGHT?

PICTURE, DON'T YOU?
AM I RIGHT?
[APPLAUSE]

AM I RIGHT?
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, NOW THE HAWAII TRIP

[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, NOW THE HAWAII TRIP
IS DEDUCTIBLE.

OKAY, NOW THE HAWAII TRIP
IS DEDUCTIBLE.
SEND ME ANY RECEIPT

IS DEDUCTIBLE.
SEND ME ANY RECEIPT
YOU CAN'T USE!

SEND ME ANY RECEIPT
YOU CAN'T USE!
BOOKS, STATIONARY, MEDICINE!

YOU CAN'T USE!
BOOKS, STATIONARY, MEDICINE!
MY ACCOUNTANT CAN DO SOMETHING

BOOKS, STATIONARY, MEDICINE!
MY ACCOUNTANT CAN DO SOMETHING
WITH IT, BELIEVE ME!

MY ACCOUNTANT CAN DO SOMETHING
WITH IT, BELIEVE ME!
I'D LIKE TO TALK ESPECIALLY TO

WITH IT, BELIEVE ME!
I'D LIKE TO TALK ESPECIALLY TO
YOU POOR PEOPLE, WHO WERE

I'D LIKE TO TALK ESPECIALLY TO
YOU POOR PEOPLE, WHO WERE
UNEMPLOYED IN 1979, AND LIVED

YOU POOR PEOPLE, WHO WERE
UNEMPLOYED IN 1979, AND LIVED
BELOW THE POVERTY LEVEL

UNEMPLOYED IN 1979, AND LIVED
BELOW THE POVERTY LEVEL
IN GHETTOS OR WHEREVER.

BELOW THE POVERTY LEVEL
IN GHETTOS OR WHEREVER.
NOW, YOU DON'T PAY TAXES,

IN GHETTOS OR WHEREVER.
NOW, YOU DON'T PAY TAXES,
YOU DON'T NEED YOUR RECEIPTS,

NOW, YOU DON'T PAY TAXES,
YOU DON'T NEED YOUR RECEIPTS,
SO, SEND THEM TO ME, PLEASE,

EVERYBODY!
SEND YOUR RECEIPTS TO ME,

SEND YOUR RECEIPTS TO ME,
AL FRANKEN, NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

AL FRANKEN, NEW YORK, NEW YORK.
I'D APPRECIATE IT.

I'D APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, AL,
YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING

THANK YOU, AL,
YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING
THAT YOU GET.

YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING
THAT YOU GET.
THE TELEVISION ADVERTISING

THAT YOU GET.
THE TELEVISION ADVERTISING
BUREAU HAS REVEALED THAT

THE TELEVISION ADVERTISING
BUREAU HAS REVEALED THAT
SPONSORS LAST YEAR SPENT

BUREAU HAS REVEALED THAT
SPONSORS LAST YEAR SPENT
$4.7 BILLION ON TV ADVERTISING,

SPONSORS LAST YEAR SPENT
$4.7 BILLION ON TV ADVERTISING,
AND THAT RATES HAVE RISEN

$4.7 BILLION ON TV ADVERTISING,
AND THAT RATES HAVE RISEN
75% IN FIVE YEARS.

AND THAT RATES HAVE RISEN
75% IN FIVE YEARS.
FOR EXAMPLE, SINCE THIS SHOW HAS

75% IN FIVE YEARS.
FOR EXAMPLE, SINCE THIS SHOW HAS
BEEN ON, A MINUTE ON "WEEKEND

FOR EXAMPLE, SINCE THIS SHOW HAS
BEEN ON, A MINUTE ON "WEEKEND
UPDATE" HAS GONE FROM $40,000

BEEN ON, A MINUTE ON "WEEKEND
UPDATE" HAS GONE FROM $40,000
TO $70,000 A MINUTE.

UPDATE" HAS GONE FROM $40,000
TO $70,000 A MINUTE.
YOU MEAN, IF I WERE

TO $70,000 A MINUTE.
YOU MEAN, IF I WERE
A SPONSOR, I WOULD HAVE TO PAY

YOU MEAN, IF I WERE
A SPONSOR, I WOULD HAVE TO PAY
$70,000 A MINUTE FOR YOU?

A SPONSOR, I WOULD HAVE TO PAY
$70,000 A MINUTE FOR YOU?
DON'T YOU THINK THAT MAKES YOU

$70,000 A MINUTE FOR YOU?
DON'T YOU THINK THAT MAKES YOU
FEEL SORT OF LIKE A PROSTITUTE?

DON'T YOU THINK THAT MAKES YOU
FEEL SORT OF LIKE A PROSTITUTE?
I THINK I'M WORTH $70,000

FEEL SORT OF LIKE A PROSTITUTE?
I THINK I'M WORTH $70,000
A MINUTE, BILL.

I THINK I'M WORTH $70,000
A MINUTE, BILL.
I THINK I COULD GET

A MINUTE, BILL.
I THINK I COULD GET
JANE PAULEY FOR HALF OF THAT.

I THINK I COULD GET
JANE PAULEY FOR HALF OF THAT.
IF YOU LIKE IT

JANE PAULEY FOR HALF OF THAT.
IF YOU LIKE IT
IN THE MORNING.

IF YOU LIKE IT
IN THE MORNING.
[LAUGHTER]

IN THE MORNING.
[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE THEY CAN THROW IN

[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE THEY CAN THROW IN
PINK LADY.

MAYBE THEY CAN THROW IN
PINK LADY.
INDIVIDUALLY-WRAPPED SLICES OF

PINK LADY.
INDIVIDUALLY-WRAPPED SLICES OF
AMERICAN CHEESE, TRAVELING AT

INDIVIDUALLY-WRAPPED SLICES OF
AMERICAN CHEESE, TRAVELING AT
THE SPEED OF SOUND, CAUSED SONIC

AMERICAN CHEESE, TRAVELING AT
THE SPEED OF SOUND, CAUSED SONIC
BOOMS ALL ALONG THE EASTERN

THE SPEED OF SOUND, CAUSED SONIC
BOOMS ALL ALONG THE EASTERN
SEABOARD THIS MORNING.

BOOMS ALL ALONG THE EASTERN
SEABOARD THIS MORNING.
THE GOVERNOR OF NORTH CAROLINA

SEABOARD THIS MORNING.
THE GOVERNOR OF NORTH CAROLINA
ISSUED A STATEMENT ASKING

THE GOVERNOR OF NORTH CAROLINA
ISSUED A STATEMENT ASKING
COASTAL RESIDENTS TO PRAY LONG

ISSUED A STATEMENT ASKING
COASTAL RESIDENTS TO PRAY LONG
AND HARD THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.

COASTAL RESIDENTS TO PRAY LONG
AND HARD THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.
ONE YEAR AGO THIS WEEK,

AND HARD THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.
ONE YEAR AGO THIS WEEK,
THE NATION'S WORST NUCLEAR

ONE YEAR AGO THIS WEEK,
THE NATION'S WORST NUCLEAR
ACCIDENT TOOK PLACE AT

THE NATION'S WORST NUCLEAR
ACCIDENT TOOK PLACE AT
PENNSYLVANIA'S THREE MILE

ACCIDENT TOOK PLACE AT
PENNSYLVANIA'S THREE MILE
ISLAND.

PENNSYLVANIA'S THREE MILE
ISLAND.
DESPITE CONFLICTING REPORTS,

ISLAND.
DESPITE CONFLICTING REPORTS,
PENNSYLVANIA HEALTH AUTHORITIES

DESPITE CONFLICTING REPORTS,
PENNSYLVANIA HEALTH AUTHORITIES
SAY THERE IS NO CONNECTION

PENNSYLVANIA HEALTH AUTHORITIES
SAY THERE IS NO CONNECTION
BETWEEN THE RADIATION LEAKAGE

SAY THERE IS NO CONNECTION
BETWEEN THE RADIATION LEAKAGE
AND SOARING LOCAL INFANT

BETWEEN THE RADIATION LEAKAGE
AND SOARING LOCAL INFANT
MORTALITY RATES.

AND SOARING LOCAL INFANT
MORTALITY RATES.
HOWEVER, THE ACCIDENT IS NOW

MORTALITY RATES.
HOWEVER, THE ACCIDENT IS NOW
ONE-YEAR OLD, AND THIRTY-ONE

HOWEVER, THE ACCIDENT IS NOW
ONE-YEAR OLD, AND THIRTY-ONE
INFANTS ARE NOT.

ONE-YEAR OLD, AND THIRTY-ONE
INFANTS ARE NOT.
JAN AND JOE ROMAN OF WILSKBURY

INFANTS ARE NOT.
JAN AND JOE ROMAN OF WILSKBURY
SENT US THIS NUCLEAR MELTDOWN

JAN AND JOE ROMAN OF WILSKBURY
SENT US THIS NUCLEAR MELTDOWN
BIRTHDAY CANDLE TO MARK THE

SENT US THIS NUCLEAR MELTDOWN
BIRTHDAY CANDLE TO MARK THE
OCCASION.

BIRTHDAY CANDLE TO MARK THE
OCCASION.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

OCCASION.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

♪ HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
YOU OLD "NUKE-LE-HEAD" ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
YOU OLD "NUKE-LE-HEAD" ♪
GET OUTTA HERE WITH THE

YOU OLD "NUKE-LE-HEAD" ♪
GET OUTTA HERE WITH THE
RADIATION, WILL YA, BUDDY?

GET OUTTA HERE WITH THE
RADIATION, WILL YA, BUDDY?
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

RADIATION, WILL YA, BUDDY?
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
JANE?

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
JANE?
THAT'S THE NEWS.

JANE?
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT... FEEL BETTER,

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT... FEEL BETTER,
LARRY... AND HAVE A PLEASANT

GOOD NIGHT... FEEL BETTER,
LARRY... AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

LARRY... AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, CLASS.
WELCOME TO YOUR THIRD SESSION
OF ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING.

WELCOME TO YOUR THIRD SESSION
OF ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING.
WELL, I GUESS NO ONE ELSE

OF ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING.
WELL, I GUESS NO ONE ELSE
IS GOING TO MAKE IT ON ACCOUNT

WELL, I GUESS NO ONE ELSE
IS GOING TO MAKE IT ON ACCOUNT
OF THE TRANSIT STRIKE SO,

IS GOING TO MAKE IT ON ACCOUNT
OF THE TRANSIT STRIKE SO,
LET'S BEGIN BY REVIEWING THE

OF THE TRANSIT STRIKE SO,
LET'S BEGIN BY REVIEWING THE
BASICS OF ASSERTIVENESS

LET'S BEGIN BY REVIEWING THE
BASICS OF ASSERTIVENESS
TRAINING.

BASICS OF ASSERTIVENESS
TRAINING.
IRIS?

TRAINING.
IRIS?
DON'T SAY YES

IRIS?
DON'T SAY YES
WHEN YOU MEAN NO.

DON'T SAY YES
WHEN YOU MEAN NO.
[LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU MEAN NO.
[LAUGHTER]
Teacher: BOBBI?

[LAUGHTER]
Teacher: BOBBI?
IF YOU DON'T ASK,

Teacher: BOBBI?
IF YOU DON'T ASK,
YOU DON'T GET.

IF YOU DON'T ASK,
YOU DON'T GET.
LIKE TONIGHT, MY HUSBAND LARRY

YOU DON'T GET.
LIKE TONIGHT, MY HUSBAND LARRY
DIDN'T WANNA BRING ME 'CAUSE HE

LIKE TONIGHT, MY HUSBAND LARRY
DIDN'T WANNA BRING ME 'CAUSE HE
WANTED TO STAY HOME AND WATCH

DIDN'T WANNA BRING ME 'CAUSE HE
WANTED TO STAY HOME AND WATCH
VEGAS BUT I KEPT ASKING HIM

WANTED TO STAY HOME AND WATCH
VEGAS BUT I KEPT ASKING HIM
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER

VEGAS BUT I KEPT ASKING HIM
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND FINALLY HE GAVE IN.

AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND FINALLY HE GAVE IN.
IF I TALK TO LARRY LONG ENOUGH

AND FINALLY HE GAVE IN.
IF I TALK TO LARRY LONG ENOUGH
I CAN ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT.

IF I TALK TO LARRY LONG ENOUGH
I CAN ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT.
[LAUGHTER]

I CAN ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT.
[LAUGHTER]
Teacher: CHRISTY.

[LAUGHTER]
Teacher: CHRISTY.
WHAT?

Teacher: CHRISTY.
WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING

[LAUGHTER]
YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING
FROM WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK?

YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING
FROM WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FROM WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK?
I DON'T THINK SO.
Teacher: COME ON, CHRISTY,

I DON'T THINK SO.
Teacher: COME ON, CHRISTY,
YOU MUST REMEMBER SOMETHING.

Teacher: COME ON, CHRISTY,
YOU MUST REMEMBER SOMETHING.
DON'T COUNT ON IT.

YOU MUST REMEMBER SOMETHING.
DON'T COUNT ON IT.
[GIGGLES]

DON'T COUNT ON IT.
[GIGGLES]
ALL RIGHT, CHRISTY.

[GIGGLES]
ALL RIGHT, CHRISTY.
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN GIVE ME

ALL RIGHT, CHRISTY.
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN GIVE ME
AN EXAMPLE OF A SITUATION

THEN MAYBE YOU CAN GIVE ME
AN EXAMPLE OF A SITUATION
IN WHICH YOU FOUND IT DIFFICULT

AN EXAMPLE OF A SITUATION
IN WHICH YOU FOUND IT DIFFICULT
TO BE ASSERTIVE.

IN WHICH YOU FOUND IT DIFFICULT
TO BE ASSERTIVE.
WELL, THE OTHER DAY AT LUNCH,

TO BE ASSERTIVE.
WELL, THE OTHER DAY AT LUNCH,
MY SUSHI SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY

WELL, THE OTHER DAY AT LUNCH,
MY SUSHI SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY
BUT I ATE IT ANYWAY.

MY SUSHI SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY
BUT I ATE IT ANYWAY.
ANY COMMENTS.

BUT I ATE IT ANYWAY.
ANY COMMENTS.
THAT'S A VERY SICKENING

ANY COMMENTS.
THAT'S A VERY SICKENING
STORY, CHRISTY.

THAT'S A VERY SICKENING
STORY, CHRISTY.
PERSONALLY, BEA, I TEND TO

STORY, CHRISTY.
PERSONALLY, BEA, I TEND TO
ASSERT MYSELF ONLY AFTER

PERSONALLY, BEA, I TEND TO
ASSERT MYSELF ONLY AFTER
I'M A LITTLE LOADED.

ASSERT MYSELF ONLY AFTER
I'M A LITTLE LOADED.
THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE LUCKY

I'M A LITTLE LOADED.
THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE LUCKY
SEVEN LOUNGE, THE WAITRESS

THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE LUCKY
SEVEN LOUNGE, THE WAITRESS
TRIED TO REMOVE MY BEER NUTS

SEVEN LOUNGE, THE WAITRESS
TRIED TO REMOVE MY BEER NUTS
BEFORE I WAS QUITE THROUGH WITH

TRIED TO REMOVE MY BEER NUTS
BEFORE I WAS QUITE THROUGH WITH
THEM... I DON'T THINK SHE'LL

BEFORE I WAS QUITE THROUGH WITH
THEM... I DON'T THINK SHE'LL
DO THAT AGAIN.

THEM... I DON'T THINK SHE'LL
DO THAT AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]

DO THAT AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
HOW DID YOU HANDLE THE

[LAUGHTER]
HOW DID YOU HANDLE THE
CRISIS?

HOW DID YOU HANDLE THE
CRISIS?
I ASSERTED MY FIST

CRISIS?
I ASSERTED MY FIST
FIRMLY INTO HER FACE.

I ASSERTED MY FIST
FIRMLY INTO HER FACE.
I WOULD'VE NEVER DONE THAT

FIRMLY INTO HER FACE.
I WOULD'VE NEVER DONE THAT
BEFORE.

I WOULD'VE NEVER DONE THAT
BEFORE.
I THINK THIS WHOLE SELF-HELP

BEFORE.
I THINK THIS WHOLE SELF-HELP
MOVEMENT IS TERRIFIC!

I THINK THIS WHOLE SELF-HELP
MOVEMENT IS TERRIFIC!
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FEEL

MOVEMENT IS TERRIFIC!
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FEEL
YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS BUT I

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FEEL
YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS BUT I
THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING

YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS BUT I
THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING
ASSERTIVENESS WITH AGGRESSION.

THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING
ASSERTIVENESS WITH AGGRESSION.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

ASSERTIVENESS WITH AGGRESSION.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
LIKE LARRY'S MOTHER IS SO

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
LIKE LARRY'S MOTHER IS SO
AGGRESSIVE, I MEAN, SHE IS

LIKE LARRY'S MOTHER IS SO
AGGRESSIVE, I MEAN, SHE IS
THE PUSHIEST, WHINIEST WOMAN

AGGRESSIVE, I MEAN, SHE IS
THE PUSHIEST, WHINIEST WOMAN
ON GOD'S EARTH.

THE PUSHIEST, WHINIEST WOMAN
ON GOD'S EARTH.
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ON GOD'S EARTH.
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, IT TAKES THAT WOMAN

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, IT TAKES THAT WOMAN
SO LONG TO FINISH A COMPLETE

I MEAN, IT TAKES THAT WOMAN
SO LONG TO FINISH A COMPLETE
SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

SO LONG TO FINISH A COMPLETE
SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
THAT BY THE TIME SHE FINISHES

SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
THAT BY THE TIME SHE FINISHES
THE SENTENCE, YOU'RE JUST

THAT BY THE TIME SHE FINISHES
THE SENTENCE, YOU'RE JUST
ABSOLUTELY OUT OF YOUR MIND

THE SENTENCE, YOU'RE JUST
ABSOLUTELY OUT OF YOUR MIND
AND YOU'RE READY

ABSOLUTELY OUT OF YOUR MIND
AND YOU'RE READY
TO STRANGLE HER.

AND YOU'RE READY
TO STRANGLE HER.
SOUNDS LIKE LARRY'S GOT

TO STRANGLE HER.
SOUNDS LIKE LARRY'S GOT
A LOT OF LUCK WITH THE LADIES.

SOUNDS LIKE LARRY'S GOT
A LOT OF LUCK WITH THE LADIES.
[LAUGHTER]

A LOT OF LUCK WITH THE LADIES.
[LAUGHTER]
TO AVOID BEING OVERLY

[LAUGHTER]
TO AVOID BEING OVERLY
AGGRESSIVE, THE RULE IS

TO AVOID BEING OVERLY
AGGRESSIVE, THE RULE IS
BE FIRM, BUT FAIR.

AGGRESSIVE, THE RULE IS
BE FIRM, BUT FAIR.
WELL, I TRIED TO BE, BUT MY

BE FIRM, BUT FAIR.
WELL, I TRIED TO BE, BUT MY
BOYFRIEND BUZZ IS SO FIRM

WELL, I TRIED TO BE, BUT MY
BOYFRIEND BUZZ IS SO FIRM
IT'S NOT FAIR.

BOYFRIEND BUZZ IS SO FIRM
IT'S NOT FAIR.
AND BESIDES, SOMETIMES I LIKE IT

IT'S NOT FAIR.
AND BESIDES, SOMETIMES I LIKE IT
WHEN BUZZ MAKES ME INTO HIS

AND BESIDES, SOMETIMES I LIKE IT
WHEN BUZZ MAKES ME INTO HIS
PLEASURE SLAVE.

WHEN BUZZ MAKES ME INTO HIS
PLEASURE SLAVE.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE IT WHEN WE PLAY

PLEASURE SLAVE.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE IT WHEN WE PLAY
THE DOGGY GAME BECAUSE I KNOW

YOU KNOW, I LIKE IT WHEN WE PLAY
THE DOGGY GAME BECAUSE I KNOW
HE WOULD NEVER ME LIKE THAT

THE DOGGY GAME BECAUSE I KNOW
HE WOULD NEVER ME LIKE THAT
ALL NIGHT.

HE WOULD NEVER ME LIKE THAT
ALL NIGHT.
THERE'S ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.

ALL NIGHT.
THERE'S ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.
I'M ACTUALLY GLAD WE GOT

THERE'S ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.
I'M ACTUALLY GLAD WE GOT
INTO THIS SUBJECT BECAUSE ONE

I'M ACTUALLY GLAD WE GOT
INTO THIS SUBJECT BECAUSE ONE
OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS

INTO THIS SUBJECT BECAUSE ONE
OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS
WE CAN LEARN HERE IS HOW

OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS
WE CAN LEARN HERE IS HOW
TO SAY NO IN A SEXUAL CONTEXT.

WE CAN LEARN HERE IS HOW
TO SAY NO IN A SEXUAL CONTEXT.
OH, SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

TO SAY NO IN A SEXUAL CONTEXT.
OH, SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHEN LARRY AND I GOT MARRIED,

OH, SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHEN LARRY AND I GOT MARRIED,
WE POSTED THE WHOOPEE RULES

WHEN LARRY AND I GOT MARRIED,
WE POSTED THE WHOOPEE RULES
ON HIS SIDE OF THE MEDICINE

WE POSTED THE WHOOPEE RULES
ON HIS SIDE OF THE MEDICINE
CABINET.

ON HIS SIDE OF THE MEDICINE
CABINET.
LIKE, WHEN I'VE HAD MY HAIR DONE

CABINET.
LIKE, WHEN I'VE HAD MY HAIR DONE
OR MY NAILS WRAPPED OR LARRY'S

LIKE, WHEN I'VE HAD MY HAIR DONE
OR MY NAILS WRAPPED OR LARRY'S
EATING SOME SCHMALTZ HERRING

OR MY NAILS WRAPPED OR LARRY'S
EATING SOME SCHMALTZ HERRING
WE CERTAINLY DON'T PUSH

EATING SOME SCHMALTZ HERRING
WE CERTAINLY DON'T PUSH
THE BEDS TOGETHER.

WE CERTAINLY DON'T PUSH
THE BEDS TOGETHER.
FORGET ABOUT IT.

THE BEDS TOGETHER.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
REALLY, YUK.

FORGET ABOUT IT.
REALLY, YUK.
BEA, I WILL TELL YOU

REALLY, YUK.
BEA, I WILL TELL YOU
HONESTLY, MEN FIND ME

BEA, I WILL TELL YOU
HONESTLY, MEN FIND ME
IRRESISTIBLE.

HONESTLY, MEN FIND ME
IRRESISTIBLE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IRRESISTIBLE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
IT'S LIKE I GIVE OFF THIS SCENT

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
IT'S LIKE I GIVE OFF THIS SCENT
OR SOMETHING.

IT'S LIKE I GIVE OFF THIS SCENT
OR SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE A PIE ON THE WINDOW

OR SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE A PIE ON THE WINDOW
SILL, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE A PIE ON THE WINDOW
SILL, YOU KNOW.
IT'S A BLESSING AND A CURSE.

SILL, YOU KNOW.
IT'S A BLESSING AND A CURSE.
ALSO, ALSO, I HAVE A PROBLEM

IT'S A BLESSING AND A CURSE.
ALSO, ALSO, I HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THIS YES AND NO THING.

ALSO, ALSO, I HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THIS YES AND NO THING.
SOMETIMES I WAKE UP WITH GOD

WITH THIS YES AND NO THING.
SOMETIMES I WAKE UP WITH GOD
KNOWS WHAT KIND OF HUMAN GARBAGE

SOMETIMES I WAKE UP WITH GOD
KNOWS WHAT KIND OF HUMAN GARBAGE
LYING NEXT TO ME AND I MUST'VE

KNOWS WHAT KIND OF HUMAN GARBAGE
LYING NEXT TO ME AND I MUST'VE
SAID SOMETHING, BUT FRANKLY

LYING NEXT TO ME AND I MUST'VE
SAID SOMETHING, BUT FRANKLY
BEA, IT BEATS ME WHAT.

SAID SOMETHING, BUT FRANKLY
BEA, IT BEATS ME WHAT.
I COULD TELL YOU STORIES.

BEA, IT BEATS ME WHAT.
I COULD TELL YOU STORIES.
DON'T.

I COULD TELL YOU STORIES.
DON'T.
[LAUGHTER]

DON'T.
[LAUGHTER]
LET'S GO ON TO SOMETHING

[LAUGHTER]
LET'S GO ON TO SOMETHING
ELSE.

LET'S GO ON TO SOMETHING
ELSE.
CHRISTY, LAST WEEK I ASSIGNED

ELSE.
CHRISTY, LAST WEEK I ASSIGNED
YOU THE MIRROR EXERCISE.

CHRISTY, LAST WEEK I ASSIGNED
YOU THE MIRROR EXERCISE.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAND IN

YOU THE MIRROR EXERCISE.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAND IN
FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND SAY

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAND IN
FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND SAY
POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.

FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND SAY
POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WELL, I STOOD IN FRONT

WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WELL, I STOOD IN FRONT
OF THE MIRROR AND I SAID,

WELL, I STOOD IN FRONT
OF THE MIRROR AND I SAID,
"WHAT A FOX!"

OF THE MIRROR AND I SAID,
"WHAT A FOX!"
"HOW MUCH DID THOSE THINGS

"WHAT A FOX!"
"HOW MUCH DID THOSE THINGS
WEIGH?"

"HOW MUCH DID THOSE THINGS
WEIGH?"
AND, "I WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU."

WEIGH?"
AND, "I WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU."
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?
WELL, I HAVE TO CONFESS,
MY BOYFRIEND BUZZ STOOD BEHIND

WELL, I HAVE TO CONFESS,
MY BOYFRIEND BUZZ STOOD BEHIND
ME AND TOLD ME WHAT TO SAY.

MY BOYFRIEND BUZZ STOOD BEHIND
ME AND TOLD ME WHAT TO SAY.
[GIGGLES]

ME AND TOLD ME WHAT TO SAY.
[GIGGLES]
CHRISTY!

[GIGGLES]
CHRISTY!
CHRISTY, YOU HAVE NO

CHRISTY!
CHRISTY, YOU HAVE NO
SELF-ESTEEM.

CHRISTY, YOU HAVE NO
SELF-ESTEEM.
NOW, CONCENTRATE.

SELF-ESTEEM.
NOW, CONCENTRATE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF?

NOW, CONCENTRATE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF?
I FEEL WARM AND SOFT AND

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF?
I FEEL WARM AND SOFT AND
QUIVERY LIKE A LITTLE ANIMAL

I FEEL WARM AND SOFT AND
QUIVERY LIKE A LITTLE ANIMAL
WITH WHITE FUR AND A TAIL

QUIVERY LIKE A LITTLE ANIMAL
WITH WHITE FUR AND A TAIL
AND LITTLE...

WITH WHITE FUR AND A TAIL
AND LITTLE...
SHUT UP, CHRISTY.

AND LITTLE...
SHUT UP, CHRISTY.
Bea: IRIS, WATCH THAT

SHUT UP, CHRISTY.
Bea: IRIS, WATCH THAT
AGGRESSION.

Bea: IRIS, WATCH THAT
AGGRESSION.
NOW, CHRISTY, IRIS JUST

AGGRESSION.
NOW, CHRISTY, IRIS JUST
TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP.

NOW, CHRISTY, IRIS JUST
TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP.
HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP.
HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
Christy: LIKE I BETTER

HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
Christy: LIKE I BETTER
SHUT UP!

Christy: LIKE I BETTER
SHUT UP!
[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP!
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I MEAN, HOW DID

[LAUGHTER]
NO, I MEAN, HOW DID
YOU FEEL INSIDE?

NO, I MEAN, HOW DID
YOU FEEL INSIDE?
HURT.

YOU FEEL INSIDE?
HURT.
I FELT LIKE A HURT SOFT, FLUFFY,

HURT.
I FELT LIKE A HURT SOFT, FLUFFY,
WHITE, QUIVERY LITTLE...

I FELT LIKE A HURT SOFT, FLUFFY,
WHITE, QUIVERY LITTLE...
Bea: SHUT UP, CHRISTY.

WHITE, QUIVERY LITTLE...
Bea: SHUT UP, CHRISTY.
ALL RIGHT.

Bea: SHUT UP, CHRISTY.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, I KNOW ALL OF YOU NEED THIS

ALL RIGHT.
NOW, I KNOW ALL OF YOU NEED THIS
CLASS AND I'M GOING TO TRY

NOW, I KNOW ALL OF YOU NEED THIS
CLASS AND I'M GOING TO TRY
TO HELP YOU BECAUSE I TOOK

CLASS AND I'M GOING TO TRY
TO HELP YOU BECAUSE I TOOK
YOUR MONEY AND I DON'T WANNA

TO HELP YOU BECAUSE I TOOK
YOUR MONEY AND I DON'T WANNA
GIVE IT BACK...

YOUR MONEY AND I DON'T WANNA
GIVE IT BACK...
[LAUGHTER]

GIVE IT BACK...
[LAUGHTER]
BUT SINCE ATTENDANCE IS POOR,

[LAUGHTER]
BUT SINCE ATTENDANCE IS POOR,
LET'S WIND UP EARLY WITH

BUT SINCE ATTENDANCE IS POOR,
LET'S WIND UP EARLY WITH
THE NO EXERCISE, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S WIND UP EARLY WITH
THE NO EXERCISE, ALL RIGHT?
EVERYBODY TOGETHER IN UNISON.

THE NO EXERCISE, ALL RIGHT?
EVERYBODY TOGETHER IN UNISON.
ONE, TWO, THREE.

EVERYBODY TOGETHER IN UNISON.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
All: NO, NO, NO!

ONE, TWO, THREE.
All: NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO!

All: NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO!

NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO!

NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO!
I LOVE THAT EXERCISE.

NO, NO, NO!
I LOVE THAT EXERCISE.
[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THAT EXERCISE.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT.
OH, I FORGOT, I SPENT EVERYTHING

OKAY, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT.
OH, I FORGOT, I SPENT EVERYTHING
ON THE CAB UP HERE BECAUSE

OH, I FORGOT, I SPENT EVERYTHING
ON THE CAB UP HERE BECAUSE
OF THE TRAFFIC.

ON THE CAB UP HERE BECAUSE
OF THE TRAFFIC.
CAN ANYBODY LEND ME

OF THE TRAFFIC.
CAN ANYBODY LEND ME
A COUPLE OF BUCKS?

CAN ANYBODY LEND ME
A COUPLE OF BUCKS?
All: NO, NO, NO!

A COUPLE OF BUCKS?
All: NO, NO, NO!
[LAUGHTER]

All: NO, NO, NO!
[LAUGHTER]
GOOD, VERY GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]
GOOD, VERY GOOD.
VERY GOOD, BUT, SERIOUSLY,

GOOD, VERY GOOD.
VERY GOOD, BUT, SERIOUSLY,
I REALLY NEED IT TO GET HOME.

VERY GOOD, BUT, SERIOUSLY,
I REALLY NEED IT TO GET HOME.
SORRY, BEA, I'M TAPPED.

I REALLY NEED IT TO GET HOME.
SORRY, BEA, I'M TAPPED.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, DOLL.

SORRY, BEA, I'M TAPPED.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, DOLL.
YEAH, SORRY, ALL I HAVE

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, DOLL.
YEAH, SORRY, ALL I HAVE
IS PLASTIC.

YEAH, SORRY, ALL I HAVE
IS PLASTIC.
BYE, BEA.

IS PLASTIC.
BYE, BEA.
CHRISTY, TWO BUCKS

BYE, BEA.
CHRISTY, TWO BUCKS
WOULD DO IT.

CHRISTY, TWO BUCKS
WOULD DO IT.
NO. [GIGGLES]

WOULD DO IT.
NO. [GIGGLES]
PLEASE?

NO. [GIGGLES]
PLEASE?
THIS IS A SECRET TEST,

PLEASE?
THIS IS A SECRET TEST,
ISN'T IT?

THIS IS A SECRET TEST,
ISN'T IT?
SWEAR TO GOD, IT ISN'T.

ISN'T IT?
SWEAR TO GOD, IT ISN'T.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, YOU KNOW.

SWEAR TO GOD, IT ISN'T.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, YOU KNOW.
LOOK, CHRISTY, I REALLY

YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, YOU KNOW.
LOOK, CHRISTY, I REALLY
MEAN IT.

LOOK, CHRISTY, I REALLY
MEAN IT.
I CAN'T WALK HOME ALONE.

MEAN IT.
I CAN'T WALK HOME ALONE.
I HAVE NO MONEY, IT'S DARK OUT.

I CAN'T WALK HOME ALONE.
I HAVE NO MONEY, IT'S DARK OUT.
BUT PEOPLE ARE SO

I HAVE NO MONEY, IT'S DARK OUT.
BUT PEOPLE ARE SO
FRIENDLY IN NEW YORK.

BUT PEOPLE ARE SO
FRIENDLY IN NEW YORK.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

FRIENDLY IN NEW YORK.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
I COULD GET MUGGED OR

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
I COULD GET MUGGED OR
SOMETHING.

I COULD GET MUGGED OR
SOMETHING.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

SOMETHING.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
DON'T WORRY, BEA.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
DON'T WORRY, BEA.
I'LL WALK YOU HOME.

DON'T WORRY, BEA.
I'LL WALK YOU HOME.
THANK YOU, CHRISTY.

I'LL WALK YOU HOME.
THANK YOU, CHRISTY.
I'M SO SORRY I HAD TO

THANK YOU, CHRISTY.
I'M SO SORRY I HAD TO
ASK YOU FOR MONEY.

I'M SO SORRY I HAD TO
ASK YOU FOR MONEY.
OH, YOU MUSTN'T SAY

ASK YOU FOR MONEY.
OH, YOU MUSTN'T SAY
YOU'RE SORRY.

OH, YOU MUSTN'T SAY
YOU'RE SORRY.
ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE SORRY.
ALL RIGHT.
[APPLAUSE...]

[♪...]

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR
THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW
STARRING AL FRANKEN

THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW
STARRING AL FRANKEN
AND TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN
AND TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW, HERE'S THEIR GUEST,

AND TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW, HERE'S THEIR GUEST,
BANI SADR.

AND NOW, HERE'S THEIR GUEST,
BANI SADR.
GOOD EVENING, I'M ABOLHASSAN

BANI SADR.
GOOD EVENING, I'M ABOLHASSAN
BANI SADR, PRESIDENT OF THE

GOOD EVENING, I'M ABOLHASSAN
BANI SADR, PRESIDENT OF THE
REVOLUTIONARY REPUBLIC OF IRAN.

BANI SADR, PRESIDENT OF THE
REVOLUTIONARY REPUBLIC OF IRAN.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS TRULY THE

REVOLUTIONARY REPUBLIC OF IRAN.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS TRULY THE
PERFECT CROWD FOR OUR NEXT

YOU KNOW, THIS IS TRULY THE
PERFECT CROWD FOR OUR NEXT
VISITOR.

PERFECT CROWD FOR OUR NEXT
VISITOR.
NOW, I REFER TO THAT

VISITOR.
NOW, I REFER TO THAT
DISTINGUISHED AYATOLLAH

NOW, I REFER TO THAT
DISTINGUISHED AYATOLLAH
FROM THE EAST.

DISTINGUISHED AYATOLLAH
FROM THE EAST.
YES, THE ALL SEEING, ALL

FROM THE EAST.
YES, THE ALL SEEING, ALL
KNOWING, ALL OMNISCIENT,

YES, THE ALL SEEING, ALL
KNOWING, ALL OMNISCIENT,
FAMOUS SAGE, SEER, SOOTHSAYER,

KNOWING, ALL OMNISCIENT,
FAMOUS SAGE, SEER, SOOTHSAYER,
AND SPIRITUAL LEADER OF ALL

FAMOUS SAGE, SEER, SOOTHSAYER,
AND SPIRITUAL LEADER OF ALL
TRUE FOLLOWERS OF ALLAH,

AND SPIRITUAL LEADER OF ALL
TRUE FOLLOWERS OF ALLAH,
KHOMEINI THE MAGNIFICENT!

TRUE FOLLOWERS OF ALLAH,
KHOMEINI THE MAGNIFICENT!
[APPLAUSE]

GREETINGS FROM ALLAH.
MAY YOUR DAUGHTER'S CHADRA
NEVER BE STAINED.

MAY YOUR DAUGHTER'S CHADRA
NEVER BE STAINED.
THANK YOU.

NEVER BE STAINED.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, YOUR HOLINESS.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, YOUR HOLINESS.
NOW, I HOLD IN MY HAND

THANK YOU, YOUR HOLINESS.
NOW, I HOLD IN MY HAND
EMBLEMS WHICH CONTAIN QUESTIONS

NOW, I HOLD IN MY HAND
EMBLEMS WHICH CONTAIN QUESTIONS
SCRIBED BY MULLAHS, HERMETICALLY

EMBLEMS WHICH CONTAIN QUESTIONS
SCRIBED BY MULLAHS, HERMETICALLY
SEALED IN A MAYONNAISE JAR

SCRIBED BY MULLAHS, HERMETICALLY
SEALED IN A MAYONNAISE JAR
ON THE STEPS OF THE HOLY SHRINE

SEALED IN A MAYONNAISE JAR
ON THE STEPS OF THE HOLY SHRINE
IN MECCA SINCE DAY 47.

ON THE STEPS OF THE HOLY SHRINE
IN MECCA SINCE DAY 47.
NOW, NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE

IN MECCA SINCE DAY 47.
NOW, NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
KNOWS THE QUESTION IN THESE

NOW, NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
KNOWS THE QUESTION IN THESE
ENVELOPES BUT YOU.

KNOWS THE QUESTION IN THESE
ENVELOPES BUT YOU.
THROUGH YOUR MYSTICAL POWERS

ENVELOPES BUT YOU.
THROUGH YOUR MYSTICAL POWERS
WILL ACTUALLY ASCERTAIN THE

THROUGH YOUR MYSTICAL POWERS
WILL ACTUALLY ASCERTAIN THE
ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS

WILL ACTUALLY ASCERTAIN THE
ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS
WITHOUT EVER HAVING SEEN THEM.

ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS
WITHOUT EVER HAVING SEEN THEM.
RIGHT YOU ARE,

WITHOUT EVER HAVING SEEN THEM.
RIGHT YOU ARE,
SHASHLIK BREATH.

RIGHT YOU ARE,
SHASHLIK BREATH.
[LAUGHTER]

SHASHLIK BREATH.
[LAUGHTER]
QUESTION NUMBER ONE.

[LAUGHTER]
QUESTION NUMBER ONE.
CHALLENGE YOUR MYSTIC POWERS.

QUESTION NUMBER ONE.
CHALLENGE YOUR MYSTIC POWERS.
KHOMEINI NEED ABSOLUTE SILENCE.

CHALLENGE YOUR MYSTIC POWERS.
KHOMEINI NEED ABSOLUTE SILENCE.
ABSOLUTE SILENCE.

KHOMEINI NEED ABSOLUTE SILENCE.
ABSOLUTE SILENCE.
GOATSBYDAY.

ABSOLUTE SILENCE.
GOATSBYDAY.
GOATSBYDAY.

WHAT DOES AN IRANIAN FARMER
DO IF HIS WIFE IS WITHHOLDING
SEX BY NIGHT?

DO IF HIS WIFE IS WITHHOLDING
SEX BY NIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]

SEX BY NIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]
OFF TO A GOOD START.

[LAUGHTER]
OFF TO A GOOD START.
ALMIGHTY SEER INTO THE

OFF TO A GOOD START.
ALMIGHTY SEER INTO THE
MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE.

ALMIGHTY SEER INTO THE
MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE.
PLEASE... CONTINUE.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE.
PLEASE... CONTINUE.
LEFTY.

PLEASE... CONTINUE.
LEFTY.
LEFTY.

LEFTY.
LEFTY.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID, LEFTY.

LEFTY.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID, LEFTY.
I'M JUST REPEATING.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A FIRST
OFFENDER IN IRAN?
[LAUGHTER]

OFFENDER IN IRAN?
[LAUGHTER]
KHOMEINI NEED SILENCE,

[LAUGHTER]
KHOMEINI NEED SILENCE,
BUT NOT THAT MUCH SILENCE.

KHOMEINI NEED SILENCE,
BUT NOT THAT MUCH SILENCE.
NEXT QUESTION, ALMIGHTY...

BUT NOT THAT MUCH SILENCE.
NEXT QUESTION, ALMIGHTY...
♪ DAY-O, DAY-O ♪

NEXT QUESTION, ALMIGHTY...
♪ DAY-O, DAY-O ♪
♪ DAY-O, DAY-O ♪

♪ DAY-O, DAY-O ♪
♪ DAY-O, DAY-O ♪
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY

♪ DAY-O, DAY-O ♪
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY
BEFORE THE HOSTAGES WERE TAKEN?

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY
BEFORE THE HOSTAGES WERE TAKEN?
[LAUGHTER]

BEFORE THE HOSTAGES WERE TAKEN?
[LAUGHTER]
REMEMBER, KHOMEINI DOES NOT ASK

[LAUGHTER]
REMEMBER, KHOMEINI DOES NOT ASK
QUESTIONS, HE ONLY DIVINES

REMEMBER, KHOMEINI DOES NOT ASK
QUESTIONS, HE ONLY DIVINES
THE ANSWERS, PLEASE.

QUESTIONS, HE ONLY DIVINES
THE ANSWERS, PLEASE.
WE'RE ALL AWARE OF THAT,

THE ANSWERS, PLEASE.
WE'RE ALL AWARE OF THAT,
MAGNIFICENT ONE.

WE'RE ALL AWARE OF THAT,
MAGNIFICENT ONE.
HERE IS YOUR NEXT CHALLENGE.

MAGNIFICENT ONE.
HERE IS YOUR NEXT CHALLENGE.
PERSIAN RUG.

HERE IS YOUR NEXT CHALLENGE.
PERSIAN RUG.
PERSIAN RUG.

PERSIAN RUG.
PERSIAN RUG.
WHAT WOULD HOWARD COSELL

PERSIAN RUG.
WHAT WOULD HOWARD COSELL
WEAR IF HE WERE AN IRANIAN

WHAT WOULD HOWARD COSELL
WEAR IF HE WERE AN IRANIAN
SPORTSCASTER?

WEAR IF HE WERE AN IRANIAN
SPORTSCASTER?
[LAUGHTER]

LITTLE FRISKIES,
LIVER AND KIDNEYS.
LITTLE FRISKIES,

LIVER AND KIDNEYS.
LITTLE FRISKIES,
LIVER AND KIDNEYS.

LITTLE FRISKIES,
LIVER AND KIDNEYS.
LITTLE FRISKIES,

LIVER AND KIDNEYS.
LITTLE FRISKIES,
LIVER AND KIDNEYS.

LITTLE FRISKIES,
LIVER AND KIDNEYS.
NAME A NEW CAT FOOD MADE FROM

LIVER AND KIDNEYS.
NAME A NEW CAT FOOD MADE FROM
PARTS OF THE SHAH.

NAME A NEW CAT FOOD MADE FROM
PARTS OF THE SHAH.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]

PARTS OF THE SHAH.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
MAY A MILITANT STUDENT TRAIN

[AUDIENCE GROANS]
MAY A MILITANT STUDENT TRAIN
A CAMEL, HOUSE TRAIN A CAMEL

MAY A MILITANT STUDENT TRAIN
A CAMEL, HOUSE TRAIN A CAMEL
ON YOUR PRAYER RUG.

A CAMEL, HOUSE TRAIN A CAMEL
ON YOUR PRAYER RUG.
[LAUGHTER]

TWO HUMPS.
TWO HUMPS.
WHAT IS THE ANSWER?

TWO HUMPS.
WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
WHAT WOULD AN IRANIAN

WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
WHAT WOULD AN IRANIAN
WALK A MILE FOR?

WHAT WOULD AN IRANIAN
WALK A MILE FOR?
EVEN KHOMEINI HAS BEEN

WALK A MILE FOR?
EVEN KHOMEINI HAS BEEN
KNOWN TO WALK A MILE.

EVEN KHOMEINI HAS BEEN
KNOWN TO WALK A MILE.
LESS THAN A MILE.

KNOWN TO WALK A MILE.
LESS THAN A MILE.
LESS, LESS THAN A MILE.

LESS THAN A MILE.
LESS, LESS THAN A MILE.
MANY TIMES.

LESS, LESS THAN A MILE.
MANY TIMES.
SHISH KABOB.

MANY TIMES.
SHISH KABOB.
SHISH KABOB.

SHISH KABOB.
SHISH KABOB.
SHISH KABOB.

SHISH KABOB.
SHISH KABOB.
HOW DO YOU TELL A KABOB

SHISH KABOB.
HOW DO YOU TELL A KABOB
TO QUIET DOWN?

HOW DO YOU TELL A KABOB
TO QUIET DOWN?
I HAVE HERE IN MY HAND

TO QUIET DOWN?
I HAVE HERE IN MY HAND
THE FINAL QUESTION.

I HAVE HERE IN MY HAND
THE FINAL QUESTION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MAY A RABID MONGOOSE
GIVE YOU A RIM CHEW.
[LAUGHTER]

"AKMAHAD SHANLALAY
AHMAPUDEE HUNTODAY!
AKMAHAD SHANLALAY

AHMAPUDEE HUNTODAY!
AKMAHAD SHANLALAY
AHMAPUDEE HUNTODAY!

WHAT DOES AN IRANIAN HOLY MAN
SAY WHEN YOU SLAM A CAR DOOR
ON HIS HAND?

SAY WHEN YOU SLAM A CAR DOOR
ON HIS HAND?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ON HIS HAND?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KHOMEINI THE MAGNIFICENT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KHOMEINI THE MAGNIFICENT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE BACK.
WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS
IMPORTANT MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS
IMPORTANT MESSAGE.
[LAUGHS]

IMPORTANT MESSAGE.
[LAUGHS]
Announcer: THE FRANKEN AND

[LAUGHS]
Announcer: THE FRANKEN AND
DAVIS SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY

Announcer: THE FRANKEN AND
DAVIS SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE MAKERS OF INEXPENSIVE

DAVIS SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE MAKERS OF INEXPENSIVE
HANDGUNS.

THE MAKERS OF INEXPENSIVE
HANDGUNS.
AVAILABLE IN ALL

HANDGUNS.
AVAILABLE IN ALL
PARTICIPATING STATES.

AVAILABLE IN ALL
PARTICIPATING STATES.
AND NOW, HERE'S TOM AND AL.

PARTICIPATING STATES.
AND NOW, HERE'S TOM AND AL.
GOODNIGHT!

AND NOW, HERE'S TOM AND AL.
GOODNIGHT!
GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY.

GOODNIGHT!
GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.

GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
GOODNIGHT.

THANKS FOR WATCHING.
GOODNIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

OH, HONEY, THAT WAS
QUITE A DINNER.
AND HOW DID OUR NEW NEIGHBORS

QUITE A DINNER.
AND HOW DID OUR NEW NEIGHBORS
LIKE IT, HUH?

AND HOW DID OUR NEW NEIGHBORS
LIKE IT, HUH?
WELL, IT WAS GOOD.

LIKE IT, HUH?
WELL, IT WAS GOOD.
I REALLY LIKE THE GREEN BEANS.

WELL, IT WAS GOOD.
I REALLY LIKE THE GREEN BEANS.
YEAH.

I REALLY LIKE THE GREEN BEANS.
YEAH.
THE GREEN BEANS.

YEAH.
THE GREEN BEANS.
UH, I WISH YOU'D TOLD ME

THE GREEN BEANS.
UH, I WISH YOU'D TOLD ME
THAT YOU DIDN'T EAT TONGUE.

UH, I WISH YOU'D TOLD ME
THAT YOU DIDN'T EAT TONGUE.
I MEAN, I COULD'VE FIXED

THAT YOU DIDN'T EAT TONGUE.
I MEAN, I COULD'VE FIXED
SOMETHING ELSE.

I MEAN, I COULD'VE FIXED
SOMETHING ELSE.
OH, NO, THAT'S, THAT'S OKAY.

SAY, STEVE, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT
MY STAMP COLLECTION.

TO TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT
MY STAMP COLLECTION.
YOU KINDA RAN THROUGH IT

MY STAMP COLLECTION.
YOU KINDA RAN THROUGH IT
EARLIER.

NO, NOT REALLY.
I'M NOT MUCH OF A STAMP PERSON.
I TOLD YOU THAT.

SAY, MAYBE WE CAN PLAY CARDS
OR SOMETHING.
HOW 'BOUT IT?

OR SOMETHING.
HOW 'BOUT IT?
YEAH, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE

HOW 'BOUT IT?
YEAH, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
GIN OR CANASTA?

YEAH, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
GIN OR CANASTA?
EH, WE REALLY AREN'T

GIN OR CANASTA?
EH, WE REALLY AREN'T
CARD PLAYERS.

WHAT ABOUT CHARADES?
UH, I THINK NOT.
WE'RE NOT PERFORMERS.

UH, I THINK NOT.
WE'RE NOT PERFORMERS.
[ALL CHUCKLE]

Woman: WHY DON'T I PASS OUT
SOME CROSSWORD PUZZLE BOOKS
AND WE CAN EACH WORK ON THEM

SOME CROSSWORD PUZZLE BOOKS
AND WE CAN EACH WORK ON THEM
SEPARATELY.

AND WE CAN EACH WORK ON THEM
SEPARATELY.
[LAUGHTER]

SEPARATELY.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, GOSH, SAY, DEAR...

[LAUGHTER]
OH, GOSH, SAY, DEAR...
I THINK IT'S TIME THAT WE

OH, GOSH, SAY, DEAR...
I THINK IT'S TIME THAT WE
BETTER, BETTER BE GOING.

I THINK IT'S TIME THAT WE
BETTER, BETTER BE GOING.
YEAH, MAYBE WE SHOULD.

BETTER, BETTER BE GOING.
YEAH, MAYBE WE SHOULD.
WELL, HECK, WHY DON'T YOU

YEAH, MAYBE WE SHOULD.
WELL, HECK, WHY DON'T YOU
STAY AND WATCH THE NEWS.

WELL, HECK, WHY DON'T YOU
STAY AND WATCH THE NEWS.
WE DON'T LIKE THE NEWS.

SAY...
SAY, DID YOU GET THIS
AT THE TROPICANA HOTEL

SAY, DID YOU GET THIS
AT THE TROPICANA HOTEL
IN LAS VEGAS?

AT THE TROPICANA HOTEL
IN LAS VEGAS?
YEAH, WE GO THERE

IN LAS VEGAS?
YEAH, WE GO THERE
EVERY YEAR.

YEAH, WE GO THERE
EVERY YEAR.
TO SEE JOEY.

EVERY YEAR.
TO SEE JOEY.
Both: JOEY BISHOP?

TO SEE JOEY.
Both: JOEY BISHOP?
YOU LIKE JOEY TOO?

Both: JOEY BISHOP?
YOU LIKE JOEY TOO?
DO WE LIKE JOEY?

YOU LIKE JOEY TOO?
DO WE LIKE JOEY?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

DO WE LIKE JOEY?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
WE'VE LOVED JOEY FOR YEARS!

ARE YOU KIDDING?
WE'VE LOVED JOEY FOR YEARS!
OCEAN'S ELEVEN IS OUR

WE'VE LOVED JOEY FOR YEARS!
OCEAN'S ELEVEN IS OUR
FAVORITE FILM!

OCEAN'S ELEVEN IS OUR
FAVORITE FILM!
OH, WE'VE SEEN IT DOZENS

FAVORITE FILM!
OH, WE'VE SEEN IT DOZENS
OF TIMES.

OH, WE'VE SEEN IT DOZENS
OF TIMES.
EVER SINCE IT CAME OUT IN '59.

OF TIMES.
EVER SINCE IT CAME OUT IN '59.
NOW, THAT WAS '60, HONEY.

EVER SINCE IT CAME OUT IN '59.
NOW, THAT WAS '60, HONEY.
JOEY WAS DOING THAT SERVICE

NOW, THAT WAS '60, HONEY.
JOEY WAS DOING THAT SERVICE
COMEDY IN '59.

JOEY WAS DOING THAT SERVICE
COMEDY IN '59.
BUT I THINK HIS BEST ROLE

COMEDY IN '59.
BUT I THINK HIS BEST ROLE
WAS IN THAT WESTERN COMEDY...

BUT I THINK HIS BEST ROLE
WAS IN THAT WESTERN COMEDY...
SERGEANTS 3!

WAS IN THAT WESTERN COMEDY...
SERGEANTS 3!
PETER LAWFORD, SAMMY DAVIS JR.,

SERGEANTS 3!
PETER LAWFORD, SAMMY DAVIS JR.,
DEAN MARTIN.

PETER LAWFORD, SAMMY DAVIS JR.,
DEAN MARTIN.
AND JOEY!

DEAN MARTIN.
AND JOEY!
SON OF A GUN!

AND JOEY!
SON OF A GUN!
SON OF A GUN!

SON OF A GUN!
SON OF A GUN!
THIS IS REALLY SOMETHING.

SON OF A GUN!
THIS IS REALLY SOMETHING.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.

THIS IS REALLY SOMETHING.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
LET'S NOT FORGET THE MAN'S

IT'S INCREDIBLE.
LET'S NOT FORGET THE MAN'S
GREATEST TALENT.

LET'S NOT FORGET THE MAN'S
GREATEST TALENT.
STANDING UP IN FRONT OF AN

GREATEST TALENT.
STANDING UP IN FRONT OF AN
AUDIENCE AND MAKING PEOPLE

STANDING UP IN FRONT OF AN
AUDIENCE AND MAKING PEOPLE
LAUGH.

AUDIENCE AND MAKING PEOPLE
LAUGH.
YES, IT'S THAT DEADPAN

LAUGH.
YES, IT'S THAT DEADPAN
DELIVERY OF HIS, THAT'S RIGHT.

YES, IT'S THAT DEADPAN
DELIVERY OF HIS, THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT,

DELIVERY OF HIS, THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT,
HE'S THE FUNNIEST ONE

THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT,
HE'S THE FUNNIEST ONE
IN THE RAT PACK.

HE'S THE FUNNIEST ONE
IN THE RAT PACK.
WELL, HE MADE SINATRA.

IN THE RAT PACK.
WELL, HE MADE SINATRA.
ABSOLUTELY MADE HIM.

WELL, HE MADE SINATRA.
ABSOLUTELY MADE HIM.
WHAT KILLS ME ARE ALL

ABSOLUTELY MADE HIM.
WHAT KILLS ME ARE ALL
THE PEOPLE WHO THINK JOEY

WHAT KILLS ME ARE ALL
THE PEOPLE WHO THINK JOEY
WAS BORN IN CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY.

THE PEOPLE WHO THINK JOEY
WAS BORN IN CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY.
HE WAS NEVER EVEN IN CAMDEN.

WAS BORN IN CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY.
HE WAS NEVER EVEN IN CAMDEN.
UNTIL HIS 14th BIRTHDAY.

HE WAS NEVER EVEN IN CAMDEN.
UNTIL HIS 14th BIRTHDAY.
RIGHT, RIGHT.

UNTIL HIS 14th BIRTHDAY.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
HIS AUNT AND UNCLE TOOK HIM

RIGHT, RIGHT.
HIS AUNT AND UNCLE TOOK HIM
TO NEWARK IN 1938 AND THEY

HIS AUNT AND UNCLE TOOK HIM
TO NEWARK IN 1938 AND THEY
STOPPED IN CAMDEN.

TO NEWARK IN 1938 AND THEY
STOPPED IN CAMDEN.
YEAH, AND THAT WAS

STOPPED IN CAMDEN.
YEAH, AND THAT WAS
JUST FOR LUNCH.

YEAH, AND THAT WAS
JUST FOR LUNCH.
JUST FOR LUNCH.

JUST FOR LUNCH.
JUST FOR LUNCH.
SAY, SAY, DO YOUR REMEMBER

JUST FOR LUNCH.
SAY, SAY, DO YOUR REMEMBER
THE ROUTINE JOEY DID ON THE

SAY, SAY, DO YOUR REMEMBER
THE ROUTINE JOEY DID ON THE
HOLLYWOOD PALACE?

THE ROUTINE JOEY DID ON THE
HOLLYWOOD PALACE?
THE UMBRELLA ROUTINE!

HOLLYWOOD PALACE?
THE UMBRELLA ROUTINE!
SEPTEMBER 1969...

THE UMBRELLA ROUTINE!
SEPTEMBER 1969...
WHOA!

SEPTEMBER 1969...
WHOA!
[ALL LAUGH]

WHOA!
[ALL LAUGH]
I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD

[ALL LAUGH]
I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
OH, MY GOD.

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
OH, MY GOD.
HEY, YOU GUYS, YOU'RE

OH, MY GOD.
HEY, YOU GUYS, YOU'RE
FORGETTING THE BEST T.V. SHOW

HEY, YOU GUYS, YOU'RE
FORGETTING THE BEST T.V. SHOW
OF 'EM ALL...

FORGETTING THE BEST T.V. SHOW
OF 'EM ALL...
All: THE JOEY BISHOP SHOW!

OF 'EM ALL...
All: THE JOEY BISHOP SHOW!
STARRING!

All: THE JOEY BISHOP SHOW!
STARRING!
ABBY DALTON.

STARRING!
ABBY DALTON.
AS HIS WIFE.

ABBY DALTON.
AS HIS WIFE.
WITH CORBETT MONICA.

AS HIS WIFE.
WITH CORBETT MONICA.
AS HIS PAL.

WITH CORBETT MONICA.
AS HIS PAL.
CAN YOU GUESS WHO THIS IS?

AS HIS PAL.
CAN YOU GUESS WHO THIS IS?
All: GUY MARKS!

CAN YOU GUESS WHO THIS IS?
All: GUY MARKS!
AND THE THEME SONG?

All: GUY MARKS!
AND THE THEME SONG?
♪ JOEY, JOEY, JOEY ♪

AND THE THEME SONG?
♪ JOEY, JOEY, JOEY ♪
♪ HEY, JOEY, JOEY, JOEY ♪

♪ JOEY, JOEY, JOEY ♪
♪ HEY, JOEY, JOEY, JOEY ♪
OH, THIS IS TERRIFIC.

♪ HEY, JOEY, JOEY, JOEY ♪
OH, THIS IS TERRIFIC.
ISN'T THIS IS EXCITING?

OH, THIS IS TERRIFIC.
ISN'T THIS IS EXCITING?
SAY, SAY, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW

ISN'T THIS IS EXCITING?
SAY, SAY, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW
WE WERE PLANNING TO GO

SAY, SAY, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW
WE WERE PLANNING TO GO
TO LAS VEGAS TO SEE JOEY

WE WERE PLANNING TO GO
TO LAS VEGAS TO SEE JOEY
AT THE ALADDIN NEXT MONTH.

TO LAS VEGAS TO SEE JOEY
AT THE ALADDIN NEXT MONTH.
WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US?

AT THE ALADDIN NEXT MONTH.
WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US?
YEAH, WE'LL HAVE A BALL.

WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US?
YEAH, WE'LL HAVE A BALL.
WE COULD GET ADJOINING

YEAH, WE'LL HAVE A BALL.
WE COULD GET ADJOINING
ROOMS AT THE HOTEL.

WE COULD GET ADJOINING
ROOMS AT THE HOTEL.
OH, DOES THIS SOUND GREAT.

ROOMS AT THE HOTEL.
OH, DOES THIS SOUND GREAT.
WE'LL GET TICKETS FOR BOTH

OH, DOES THIS SOUND GREAT.
WE'LL GET TICKETS FOR BOTH
THE SHOWS.

WE'LL GET TICKETS FOR BOTH
THE SHOWS.
OKAY, OKAY, YEAH.

THE SHOWS.
OKAY, OKAY, YEAH.
WE COULD GO TO THE 9:30 SHOW

OKAY, OKAY, YEAH.
WE COULD GO TO THE 9:30 SHOW
AND THEN TO THE 11:30.

WE COULD GO TO THE 9:30 SHOW
AND THEN TO THE 11:30.
YES, PERSONALLY, I THINK

AND THEN TO THE 11:30.
YES, PERSONALLY, I THINK
THAT JOEY IS ALWAYS AT HIS

YES, PERSONALLY, I THINK
THAT JOEY IS ALWAYS AT HIS
BEST AT THE LATE SHOW.

THAT JOEY IS ALWAYS AT HIS
BEST AT THE LATE SHOW.
YEAH, HE SEEMS TO GET BETTER

BEST AT THE LATE SHOW.
YEAH, HE SEEMS TO GET BETTER
AS THE EVENING GOES ALONG.

YEAH, HE SEEMS TO GET BETTER
AS THE EVENING GOES ALONG.
WAIT...

AS THE EVENING GOES ALONG.
WAIT...
YOU'RE SAYING HIS EARLY SHOW

WAIT...
YOU'RE SAYING HIS EARLY SHOW
ISN'T AS GOOD AS HIS LATE SHOW?

YOU'RE SAYING HIS EARLY SHOW
ISN'T AS GOOD AS HIS LATE SHOW?
WELL, THEY'RE BOTH GOOD,

ISN'T AS GOOD AS HIS LATE SHOW?
WELL, THEY'RE BOTH GOOD,
WE JUST THINK THAT THE LATE

WELL, THEY'RE BOTH GOOD,
WE JUST THINK THAT THE LATE
SHOW IS MORE RELAXED.

WE JUST THINK THAT THE LATE
SHOW IS MORE RELAXED.
HE JUST SEEMS LOOSER

SHOW IS MORE RELAXED.
HE JUST SEEMS LOOSER
IN THE LATE SHOW.

HE JUST SEEMS LOOSER
IN THE LATE SHOW.
HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

IN THE LATE SHOW.
HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
AGAINST THE EARLY SHOW.

I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
AGAINST THE EARLY SHOW.
HONEY, NOW, DON'T GET UPSET.

AGAINST THE EARLY SHOW.
HONEY, NOW, DON'T GET UPSET.
CALM DOWN.

HONEY, NOW, DON'T GET UPSET.
CALM DOWN.
I JUST DON'T LIKE TO HEAR

CALM DOWN.
I JUST DON'T LIKE TO HEAR
ANYBODY PUT DOWN JOEY,

I JUST DON'T LIKE TO HEAR
ANYBODY PUT DOWN JOEY,
THAT'S ALL.

ANYBODY PUT DOWN JOEY,
THAT'S ALL.
I'M NOT PUTTING HIM DOWN,

THAT'S ALL.
I'M NOT PUTTING HIM DOWN,
I JUST SAID HE'S BETTER

I'M NOT PUTTING HIM DOWN,
I JUST SAID HE'S BETTER
AT THE LATE SHOW!

I JUST SAID HE'S BETTER
AT THE LATE SHOW!
WE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!!

AT THE LATE SHOW!
WE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!!
IT'S NO USE APOLOGIZING NOW,

WE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!!
IT'S NO USE APOLOGIZING NOW,
THE HARM IS DONE.

IT'S NO USE APOLOGIZING NOW,
THE HARM IS DONE.
I'M NOT APOLOGIZING!

THE HARM IS DONE.
I'M NOT APOLOGIZING!
YOU'RE NOT APOLOGIZING?

I'M NOT APOLOGIZING!
YOU'RE NOT APOLOGIZING?
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M NOT

YOU'RE NOT APOLOGIZING?
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M NOT
APOLOGIZING.

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M NOT
APOLOGIZING.
I JUST THINK THAT JOEY'S

APOLOGIZING.
I JUST THINK THAT JOEY'S
LATE SHOW IS THE BETTER SHOW!

I JUST THINK THAT JOEY'S
LATE SHOW IS THE BETTER SHOW!
YEAH, IT IS.

LATE SHOW IS THE BETTER SHOW!
YEAH, IT IS.
HE'S LOOSER.

YEAH, IT IS.
HE'S LOOSER.
WELL, YOU'RE BOTH

HE'S LOOSER.
WELL, YOU'RE BOTH
WAY OFF BASE, HUH?

WELL, YOU'RE BOTH
WAY OFF BASE, HUH?
BOTH SHOWS ARE EQUALLY GOOD.

WAY OFF BASE, HUH?
BOTH SHOWS ARE EQUALLY GOOD.
THAT WAS REALLY A CHEAP SHOT.

BOTH SHOWS ARE EQUALLY GOOD.
THAT WAS REALLY A CHEAP SHOT.
[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS REALLY A CHEAP SHOT.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I THINK WE'D BETTER GO.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I THINK WE'D BETTER GO.
ABSOLUTELY.

WELL, I THINK WE'D BETTER GO.
ABSOLUTELY.
THANKS FOR DINNER.

ABSOLUTELY.
THANKS FOR DINNER.
YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.

HA... GREAT GREEN BEANS.

WHAT PEOPLE!
I MEAN, FIRST THEY SAY
THEY LIKE JOEY.

I MEAN, FIRST THEY SAY
THEY LIKE JOEY.
AND THEN THEY PUT HIM

THEY LIKE JOEY.
AND THEN THEY PUT HIM
DOWN LIKE THAT.

AND THEN THEY PUT HIM
DOWN LIKE THAT.
HONEY, WHERE ARE MY PILLS?

DOWN LIKE THAT.
HONEY, WHERE ARE MY PILLS?
ARE YOU HAVING THOSE

HONEY, WHERE ARE MY PILLS?
ARE YOU HAVING THOSE
PAINS AGAIN?

ARE YOU HAVING THOSE
PAINS AGAIN?
NO, BUT I DON'T WANNA

PAINS AGAIN?
NO, BUT I DON'T WANNA
TAKE ANY CHANCES.

NO, BUT I DON'T WANNA
TAKE ANY CHANCES.
YOU KNOW, JOEY HAD

TAKE ANY CHANCES.
YOU KNOW, JOEY HAD
HEART TROUBLE TOO.

YOU KNOW, JOEY HAD
HEART TROUBLE TOO.
YEAH, IN FEBRUARY OF 1974

HEART TROUBLE TOO.
YEAH, IN FEBRUARY OF 1974
WHEN REGIS PHILBIN LEFT

YEAH, IN FEBRUARY OF 1974
WHEN REGIS PHILBIN LEFT
TO DO HIS OWN MORNING SHOW.

WHEN REGIS PHILBIN LEFT
TO DO HIS OWN MORNING SHOW.
HE SHOULD'VE TOLD JOEY.

TO DO HIS OWN MORNING SHOW.
HE SHOULD'VE TOLD JOEY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WOULD

HE SHOULD'VE TOLD JOEY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WOULD
LET HIM DOWN LIKE THAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WOULD
LET HIM DOWN LIKE THAT.
[APPLAUSE...]

ONCE AGAIN,
THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
[APPLAUSE]

THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]
♪ WELL, THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ♪

[♪...]
♪ WELL, THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ♪
♪ TONIGHT I CROSS THE LINE ♪

♪ WELL, THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ♪
♪ TONIGHT I CROSS THE LINE ♪
♪ YOU MUST BE THE ANGEL ♪

♪ TONIGHT I CROSS THE LINE ♪
♪ YOU MUST BE THE ANGEL ♪
♪ I THOUGHT I MIGHT NEVER FIND ♪

♪ YOU MUST BE THE ANGEL ♪
♪ I THOUGHT I MIGHT NEVER FIND ♪
♪ WAS IT YOU I HEARD SINGING ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I MIGHT NEVER FIND ♪
♪ WAS IT YOU I HEARD SINGING ♪
♪ OH, WHILE I WAS

♪ WAS IT YOU I HEARD SINGING ♪
♪ OH, WHILE I WAS
CHASIN' DREAMS ♪

♪ OH, WHILE I WAS
CHASIN' DREAMS ♪
♪ DRIVEN BY THE WIND ♪

CHASIN' DREAMS ♪
♪ DRIVEN BY THE WIND ♪
♪ LIKE THE DUST THAT

♪ DRIVEN BY THE WIND ♪
♪ LIKE THE DUST THAT
BLOWS AROUND ♪

♪ LIKE THE DUST THAT
BLOWS AROUND ♪
♪ AND THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪

BLOWS AROUND ♪
♪ AND THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ BUT I NEVER KNOW ♪

♪ AND THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ BUT I NEVER KNOW ♪
♪ I NEVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪

♪ BUT I NEVER KNOW ♪
♪ I NEVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪
♪ THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ♪

♪ I NEVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪
♪ THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HERE'S WHERE

♪ THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HERE'S WHERE
THE RAINBOW ENDS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HERE'S WHERE
THE RAINBOW ENDS ♪
♪ AT LAST IS IT THE REAL THING

THE RAINBOW ENDS ♪
♪ AT LAST IS IT THE REAL THING
OR CLOSE ENOUGH TO PRETEND ♪

♪ AT LAST IS IT THE REAL THING
OR CLOSE ENOUGH TO PRETEND ♪
♪ BUT WHEN THAT WIND BLOWS ♪

OR CLOSE ENOUGH TO PRETEND ♪
♪ BUT WHEN THAT WIND BLOWS ♪
♪ WHEN THE NIGHT'S

♪ BUT WHEN THAT WIND BLOWS ♪
♪ WHEN THE NIGHT'S
ABOUT TO FALL ♪

♪ WHEN THE NIGHT'S
ABOUT TO FALL ♪
♪ I CAN HEAR THE SIRENS CALL ♪

ABOUT TO FALL ♪
♪ I CAN HEAR THE SIRENS CALL ♪
♪ IT'S A CERTAIN SORT OF SOUND ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE SIRENS CALL ♪
♪ IT'S A CERTAIN SORT OF SOUND ♪
♪ LIKE THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪

♪ IT'S A CERTAIN SORT OF SOUND ♪
♪ LIKE THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ HOLES IN WHAT'S LEFT

♪ LIKE THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ HOLES IN WHAT'S LEFT
OF MY REASON ♪

♪ HOLES IN WHAT'S LEFT
OF MY REASON ♪
♪ HOLES IN THE KNEES

OF MY REASON ♪
♪ HOLES IN THE KNEES
OF MY BLUES ♪

♪ HOLES IN THE KNEES
OF MY BLUES ♪
♪ ODDS AGAINST ME

OF MY BLUES ♪
♪ ODDS AGAINST ME
BEEN INCREASIN' ♪

♪ ODDS AGAINST ME
BEEN INCREASIN' ♪
♪ BUT I'LL PULL THROUGH ♪

BEEN INCREASIN' ♪
♪ BUT I'LL PULL THROUGH ♪
♪ NEVER COULD READ

♪ BUT I'LL PULL THROUGH ♪
♪ NEVER COULD READ
NO ROAD MAP ♪

♪ NEVER COULD READ
NO ROAD MAP ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT

NO ROAD MAP ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE WEATHER MIGHT DO ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE WEATHER MIGHT DO ♪
♪ HEAR THAT WITCH

THE WEATHER MIGHT DO ♪
♪ HEAR THAT WITCH
WIND WHINING ♪

♪ HEAR THAT WITCH
WIND WHINING ♪
♪ AND I SEE THE DOG

WIND WHINING ♪
♪ AND I SEE THE DOG
STAR SHINING ♪

♪ AND I SEE THE DOG
STAR SHINING ♪
♪ I GOT A FEELING THERE'S

STAR SHINING ♪
♪ I GOT A FEELING THERE'S
NO TIME TO LOSE ♪

♪ I GOT A FEELING THERE'S
NO TIME TO LOSE ♪
♪ NO TIME TO LOSE ♪

♪ BUT I NEVER KNOW NOW ♪
♪ JUST DON'T NEVER KNOW, NO ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S BEEN HEAVEN ♪

♪ JUST DON'T NEVER KNOW, NO ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S BEEN HEAVEN ♪
♪ BUT EVEN THE RAINBOWS

♪ WELL, IT'S BEEN HEAVEN ♪
♪ BUT EVEN THE RAINBOWS
WILL END ♪

♪ BUT EVEN THE RAINBOWS
WILL END ♪
♪ NOW MY SAILS ARE FILLIN' ♪

WILL END ♪
♪ NOW MY SAILS ARE FILLIN' ♪
♪ AND THE WIND IS WILLIN' ♪

♪ NOW MY SAILS ARE FILLIN' ♪
♪ AND THE WIND IS WILLIN' ♪
♪ I'M AS GOOD AS GONE AGAIN ♪

♪ AND THE WIND IS WILLIN' ♪
♪ I'M AS GOOD AS GONE AGAIN ♪
♪ I'M STILL WALKIN' ♪

♪ I'M AS GOOD AS GONE AGAIN ♪
♪ I'M STILL WALKIN' ♪
♪ SO I'M SURE THAT I CAN DANCE ♪

♪ I'M STILL WALKIN' ♪
♪ SO I'M SURE THAT I CAN DANCE ♪
♪ JUST A SAINT OF CIRCUMSTANCE ♪

♪ SO I'M SURE THAT I CAN DANCE ♪
♪ JUST A SAINT OF CIRCUMSTANCE ♪
♪ JUST A TIGER IN A TRANCE ♪

♪ JUST A SAINT OF CIRCUMSTANCE ♪
♪ JUST A TIGER IN A TRANCE ♪
♪ AND THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪

♪ JUST A TIGER IN A TRANCE ♪
♪ AND THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪

♪ AND THE RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪

♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪

♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪
♪ RAIN FALLIN' DOWN ♪

♪ BUT I NEVER KNOW NOW ♪
♪ JUST DON'T EVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪
♪ WELL, SURE DON'T KNOW

♪ JUST DON'T EVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪
♪ WELL, SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪

♪ WELL, SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT

WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪

♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪
♪ SURE DON'T KNOW

FOR SURE ♪
♪ SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪

♪ SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ NO, I NEVER KNOW ♪

WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ NO, I NEVER KNOW ♪
♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT

♪ NO, I NEVER KNOW ♪
♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪

♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪
♪ NEVER, NEVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪

FOR SURE ♪
♪ NEVER, NEVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪
♪ SURE DON'T KNOW

♪ NEVER, NEVER KNOW, NO, NO ♪
♪ SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪

♪ SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ BABY, GOING ON A DREAM NOW ♪

WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ BABY, GOING ON A DREAM NOW ♪
♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT

♪ BABY, GOING ON A DREAM NOW ♪
♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪

♪ BUT I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪
♪ YEAH, FOR SURE NOW ♪

FOR SURE ♪
♪ YEAH, FOR SURE NOW ♪
♪ SURE DON'T KNOW

♪ YEAH, FOR SURE NOW ♪
♪ SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪

♪ SURE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ BABY, GOING ON A DREAM NOW ♪

WHAT I'M GOING FOR ♪
♪ BABY, GOING ON A DREAM NOW ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GO FOR IT

♪ BABY, GOING ON A DREAM NOW ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA GO FOR IT
FOR SURE ♪
♪ BABY GOING ON A FEELING ♪

FOR SURE ♪
♪ BABY GOING ON A FEELING ♪
♪ BABY GOING ON A FEELING ♪

♪ BABY GOING ON A FEELING ♪
♪ BABY GOING ON A FEELING ♪
[♪...]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE STORY YOU'RE
ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE.
ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE.
ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.

ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Mr. Bill: OH, UH, HEY KIDS,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Mr. Bill: OH, UH, HEY KIDS,
IT'S ME MR. BILL.

Mr. Bill: OH, UH, HEY KIDS,
IT'S ME MR. BILL.
GEE, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN HAVING

IT'S ME MR. BILL.
GEE, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN HAVING
A LOT OF PROBLEMS LATELY AND

GEE, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN HAVING
A LOT OF PROBLEMS LATELY AND
WELL I'VE DECIDED IT'S THE

A LOT OF PROBLEMS LATELY AND
WELL I'VE DECIDED IT'S THE
PEOPLE I'VE BEEN HANGING

WELL I'VE DECIDED IT'S THE
PEOPLE I'VE BEEN HANGING
AROUND WITH.

PEOPLE I'VE BEEN HANGING
AROUND WITH.
[SPOT BARKS]

AROUND WITH.
[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Bill: OH, NOT YOU SPOT.

[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Bill: OH, NOT YOU SPOT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MR. HANDS

Mr. Bill: OH, NOT YOU SPOT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MR. HANDS
AND THAT MEAN OL' SLUGGO.

I'M TALKING ABOUT MR. HANDS
AND THAT MEAN OL' SLUGGO.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE

AND THAT MEAN OL' SLUGGO.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE
OUT TO GET ME.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE
OUT TO GET ME.
AND, WELL I'M NOT GONNA TAKE

OUT TO GET ME.
AND, WELL I'M NOT GONNA TAKE
IT ANYMORE AND I'M GONNA

AND, WELL I'M NOT GONNA TAKE
IT ANYMORE AND I'M GONNA
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

IT ANYMORE AND I'M GONNA
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
SO KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
SO KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
HAVE FUN TODAY BECAUSE WE'RE ALL

SO KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
HAVE FUN TODAY BECAUSE WE'RE ALL
GOING TO THE POLICE.

HAVE FUN TODAY BECAUSE WE'RE ALL
GOING TO THE POLICE.
YAY!

Mr. Bill: OH BOY, THAT SLUGGO
AND MR. HANDS ARE REALLY
IN TROUBLE THIS TIME.

AND MR. HANDS ARE REALLY
IN TROUBLE THIS TIME.
Man: WELL, HELLO LADDIE.

IN TROUBLE THIS TIME.
Man: WELL, HELLO LADDIE.
I'M SGT. O'HANAHAN.

Man: WELL, HELLO LADDIE.
I'M SGT. O'HANAHAN.
MAY I BE OF SOME

I'M SGT. O'HANAHAN.
MAY I BE OF SOME
ASSISTANCE TO YOU?

MAY I BE OF SOME
ASSISTANCE TO YOU?
Mr. Bill: OH YEAH, I WANT

ASSISTANCE TO YOU?
Mr. Bill: OH YEAH, I WANT
TO REPORT A THREAT

Mr. Bill: OH YEAH, I WANT
TO REPORT A THREAT
ON MY LIFE.

TO REPORT A THREAT
ON MY LIFE.
Sgt.: NOW, WHO'D WANT TO HARM

ON MY LIFE.
Sgt.: NOW, WHO'D WANT TO HARM
A FRIENDLY LITTLE FELLOW

Sgt.: NOW, WHO'D WANT TO HARM
A FRIENDLY LITTLE FELLOW
LIKE YOURSELF?

A FRIENDLY LITTLE FELLOW
LIKE YOURSELF?
Mr. Bill: WELL, THEY USED TO

LIKE YOURSELF?
Mr. Bill: WELL, THEY USED TO
BE MY FRIENDS, BUT LATELY

Mr. Bill: WELL, THEY USED TO
BE MY FRIENDS, BUT LATELY
THEY'VE BEEN JUST MEAN TO ME.

BE MY FRIENDS, BUT LATELY
THEY'VE BEEN JUST MEAN TO ME.
[SPOT BARKS]

THEY'VE BEEN JUST MEAN TO ME.
[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Bill: YEAH, AND THEIR

[SPOT BARKS]
Mr. Bill: YEAH, AND THEIR
NAMES ARE SLUGGO AND MR. HANDS

Mr. Bill: YEAH, AND THEIR
NAMES ARE SLUGGO AND MR. HANDS
AND I'D LIKE THEM LOCKED

NAMES ARE SLUGGO AND MR. HANDS
AND I'D LIKE THEM LOCKED
UP, OKAY?

AND I'D LIKE THEM LOCKED
UP, OKAY?
Sgt.: WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN

UP, OKAY?
Sgt.: WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN
DESCRIBE THEM FOR OUR ARTISTS SO

Sgt.: WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN
DESCRIBE THEM FOR OUR ARTISTS SO
WE CAN SEE WHAT THE VARMINTS

DESCRIBE THEM FOR OUR ARTISTS SO
WE CAN SEE WHAT THE VARMINTS
LOOK LIKE.

WE CAN SEE WHAT THE VARMINTS
LOOK LIKE.
Mr. Bill: OKAY, GEE MR. HANDS

LOOK LIKE.
Mr. Bill: OKAY, GEE MR. HANDS
IS REALLY SHORT AND HE HAS

Mr. Bill: OKAY, GEE MR. HANDS
IS REALLY SHORT AND HE HAS
TEN FINGERS AND SLUGGO LOOKS

IS REALLY SHORT AND HE HAS
TEN FINGERS AND SLUGGO LOOKS
REALLY MEAN.

TEN FINGERS AND SLUGGO LOOKS
REALLY MEAN.
Sgt.: TELL ME, DOES THIS

REALLY MEAN.
Sgt.: TELL ME, DOES THIS
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THE TWO

Sgt.: TELL ME, DOES THIS
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THE TWO
OF THEM?

LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THE TWO
OF THEM?
Mr. Bill: OH NO!

OF THEM?
Mr. Bill: OH NO!
THAT'S NOT THEM!

Mr. Bill: OH NO!
THAT'S NOT THEM!
Sgt.: OKAY, THEN DO YOU

THAT'S NOT THEM!
Sgt.: OKAY, THEN DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD IDENTIFY THEM

Sgt.: OKAY, THEN DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD IDENTIFY THEM
FROM THEIR PHOTOGRAPHS.

THINK YOU COULD IDENTIFY THEM
FROM THEIR PHOTOGRAPHS.
Mr. Bill: OH, I'LL TRY.

FROM THEIR PHOTOGRAPHS.
Mr. Bill: OH, I'LL TRY.
Sgt.: NOW TELL ME IF YOU

Mr. Bill: OH, I'LL TRY.
Sgt.: NOW TELL ME IF YOU
SPOT THEM.

Sgt.: NOW TELL ME IF YOU
SPOT THEM.
Mr. Bill: NO, THAT'S NOT

SPOT THEM.
Mr. Bill: NO, THAT'S NOT
THEM.. NO, NO.

Mr. Bill: NO, THAT'S NOT
THEM.. NO, NO.
OH WAIT, WAIT!

THEM.. NO, NO.
OH WAIT, WAIT!
THAT'S ME!

OH WAIT, WAIT!
THAT'S ME!
Sgt.: OH, IT SAYS HERE THAT

THAT'S ME!
Sgt.: OH, IT SAYS HERE THAT
YOU ARE WANTED FOR THE ROBBERY

Sgt.: OH, IT SAYS HERE THAT
YOU ARE WANTED FOR THE ROBBERY
OF THE FIRST SLUGGO

YOU ARE WANTED FOR THE ROBBERY
OF THE FIRST SLUGGO
SAVINGS AND LOAN.

OF THE FIRST SLUGGO
SAVINGS AND LOAN.
Mr. Bill: NO, BUT I DIDN'T

SAVINGS AND LOAN.
Mr. Bill: NO, BUT I DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING!

Mr. Bill: NO, BUT I DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING!
Sgt.: AND HERE'S YOUR

DO ANYTHING!
Sgt.: AND HERE'S YOUR
ACCOMPLICE.

Sgt.: AND HERE'S YOUR
ACCOMPLICE.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT!

ACCOMPLICE.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT!
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT!
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
Sgt.: I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
Sgt.: I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO
TAKE YOUR FINGERPRINTS.

Sgt.: I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO
TAKE YOUR FINGERPRINTS.
Mr. Bill: BUT I DON'T HAVE

TAKE YOUR FINGERPRINTS.
Mr. Bill: BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANY FINGERPRINTS!

Mr. Bill: BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANY FINGERPRINTS!
NO WAIT!

ANY FINGERPRINTS!
NO WAIT!
OHH!

NO WAIT!
OHH!
Sgt.: THEY'RE A PERFECT

OHH!
Sgt.: THEY'RE A PERFECT
MATCH.

Sgt.: THEY'RE A PERFECT
MATCH.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, BUT I SWEAR

MATCH.
Mr. Bill: OH NO, BUT I SWEAR
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Mr. Bill: OH NO, BUT I SWEAR
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
Sgt.: I'LL HAVE TO HANDCUFF

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
Sgt.: I'LL HAVE TO HANDCUFF
THE TWO OF YOU.

Sgt.: I'LL HAVE TO HANDCUFF
THE TWO OF YOU.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT,

THE TWO OF YOU.
Mr. Bill: NO WAIT,
THAT'S TOO TIGHT!

Mr. Bill: NO WAIT,
THAT'S TOO TIGHT!
NO WAIT, OHH!

THAT'S TOO TIGHT!
NO WAIT, OHH!
Sgt.: AND NOW WE HAVE TO GO

NO WAIT, OHH!
Sgt.: AND NOW WE HAVE TO GO
OFF TO THE LINEUP.

Sgt.: AND NOW WE HAVE TO GO
OFF TO THE LINEUP.
Mr. BILL: OH NO!

OFF TO THE LINEUP.
Mr. BILL: OH NO!
OH WAIT, MOM?

Mr. BILL: OH NO!
OH WAIT, MOM?
MISS SALLY?

OH WAIT, MOM?
MISS SALLY?
MR. HANDS?

MISS SALLY?
MR. HANDS?
Sgt.: OH, NO.

MR. HANDS?
Sgt.: OH, NO.
THE BANK TELLER SAYS

Sgt.: OH, NO.
THE BANK TELLER SAYS
THAT IT WAS YOU MR. BILL

THE BANK TELLER SAYS
THAT IT WAS YOU MR. BILL
WHO ROBBED HIS BANK.

THAT IT WAS YOU MR. BILL
WHO ROBBED HIS BANK.
Mr. Bill: NO, BUT I'VE BEEN

WHO ROBBED HIS BANK.
Mr. Bill: NO, BUT I'VE BEEN
FRAMED!

Mr. Bill: NO, BUT I'VE BEEN
FRAMED!
Sgt.: THAT'S WHAT

FRAMED!
Sgt.: THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALL SAY.

Sgt.: THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALL SAY.
THE SENTENCE FOR ARMED ROBBERY

THEY ALL SAY.
THE SENTENCE FOR ARMED ROBBERY
IS TWENTY YEARS IN THE SLAMMER.

THE SENTENCE FOR ARMED ROBBERY
IS TWENTY YEARS IN THE SLAMMER.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, STOP,

IS TWENTY YEARS IN THE SLAMMER.
Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, STOP,
OHH!

Mr. Bill: NO, WAIT, STOP,
OHH!
Sgt.: BYE BYE!

OHH!
Sgt.: BYE BYE!
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
WE HAD A GOOD TIME,
WE HOPE YOU DID TOO!

WE HAD A GOOD TIME,
WE HOPE YOU DID TOO!
THANK YOU!

WE HOPE YOU DID TOO!
THANK YOU!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

[♪...]