Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - Paul Simon, James Taylor & David Sanborn - full transcript

[FAINT CHATTERING]
NO TALKING NOW, NO TALKING.
NO... COME ON, NOW SETTLE DOWN,

NO TALKING NOW, NO TALKING.
NO... COME ON, NOW SETTLE DOWN,
SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN.

NO... COME ON, NOW SETTLE DOWN,
SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN.
THIS WON'T WORK UNLESS

SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN.
THIS WON'T WORK UNLESS
EVERYBODY COOPERATES.

THIS WON'T WORK UNLESS
EVERYBODY COOPERATES.
OK, GARRETT, I'LL DO THIS

EVERYBODY COOPERATES.
OK, GARRETT, I'LL DO THIS
BUT I THINK IT'S A BIT WEIRD.

OK, GARRETT, I'LL DO THIS
BUT I THINK IT'S A BIT WEIRD.
LOOK, THIS IS

BUT I THINK IT'S A BIT WEIRD.
LOOK, THIS IS
THE 100th SHOW, RIGHT?

LOOK, THIS IS
THE 100th SHOW, RIGHT?
AND YOU KNOW THE PSYCHIC WORLD

THE 100th SHOW, RIGHT?
AND YOU KNOW THE PSYCHIC WORLD
WORKS ON THE DECIMAL SYSTEM.

AND YOU KNOW THE PSYCHIC WORLD
WORKS ON THE DECIMAL SYSTEM.
IT'S THE PERFECT TIME!



WORKS ON THE DECIMAL SYSTEM.
IT'S THE PERFECT TIME!
NOW, THERE'S A LOT

IT'S THE PERFECT TIME!
NOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF MAGIC IN THE AIR.

NOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF MAGIC IN THE AIR.
GARRETT, YOU DON'T REALLY

OF MAGIC IN THE AIR.
GARRETT, YOU DON'T REALLY
BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU?

GARRETT, YOU DON'T REALLY
BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU?
LOOK, BABY, I DON'T HAVE

BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU?
LOOK, BABY, I DON'T HAVE
TO BELIEVE IT, I KNOW IT!

LOOK, BABY, I DON'T HAVE
TO BELIEVE IT, I KNOW IT!
THERE ARE SPIRITS IN THE STUDIO

TO BELIEVE IT, I KNOW IT!
THERE ARE SPIRITS IN THE STUDIO
NOW, AND THEY HAVE SOMETHING

THERE ARE SPIRITS IN THE STUDIO
NOW, AND THEY HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL US.

NOW, AND THEY HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL US.
WHAT SPIRITS, GARRETT?

TO TELL US.
WHAT SPIRITS, GARRETT?
SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO ARE

WHAT SPIRITS, GARRETT?
SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO ARE
NO LONGER WITH US.

SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO ARE
NO LONGER WITH US.
YOU MEAN,

NO LONGER WITH US.
YOU MEAN,
LIKE FRANCISCO FRANCO?



YOU MEAN,
LIKE FRANCISCO FRANCO?
NO, HE'S DEAD, HE'S DEAD.

LIKE FRANCISCO FRANCO?
NO, HE'S DEAD, HE'S DEAD.
NOW, LOOK, LARAINE...

NO, HE'S DEAD, HE'S DEAD.
NOW, LOOK, LARAINE...
TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

NOW, LOOK, LARAINE...
TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
NOW, NOW, NOW, WE MUST

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
NOW, NOW, NOW, WE MUST
JOIN HANDS, ALL RIGHT,

NOW, NOW, NOW, WE MUST
JOIN HANDS, ALL RIGHT,
AND CONCENTRATE AND ASK

JOIN HANDS, ALL RIGHT,
AND CONCENTRATE AND ASK
THE SPIRITS TO COMMUNICATE

AND CONCENTRATE AND ASK
THE SPIRITS TO COMMUNICATE
WITH US, RIGHT?

THE SPIRITS TO COMMUNICATE
WITH US, RIGHT?
NOW... ARE THERE ANY SPIRITS

WITH US, RIGHT?
NOW... ARE THERE ANY SPIRITS
AMONG US?

NOW... ARE THERE ANY SPIRITS
AMONG US?
IF SO, MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN.

AMONG US?
IF SO, MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN.
GOD, DO YOU FEEL THAT?

IF SO, MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN.
GOD, DO YOU FEEL THAT?
OH, MAN, JUST GOT

GOD, DO YOU FEEL THAT?
OH, MAN, JUST GOT
REAL COLD IN HERE.

OH, MAN, JUST GOT
REAL COLD IN HERE.
FEELS LIKE DEATH.

REAL COLD IN HERE.
FEELS LIKE DEATH.
HI, EVERYBODY.

FEELS LIKE DEATH.
HI, EVERYBODY.
OH, GREAT, MR. MIKE.

HI, EVERYBODY.
OH, GREAT, MR. MIKE.
LOOK, I'D LOVE TO CHAT,

OH, GREAT, MR. MIKE.
LOOK, I'D LOVE TO CHAT,
BUT YOU CAUGHT ME AT A BAD TIME.

LOOK, I'D LOVE TO CHAT,
BUT YOU CAUGHT ME AT A BAD TIME.
THERE'S A MOVIE ON ABC

BUT YOU CAUGHT ME AT A BAD TIME.
THERE'S A MOVIE ON ABC
THAT'S JUST STARTING.

THERE'S A MOVIE ON ABC
THAT'S JUST STARTING.
NO, NO, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.

THAT'S JUST STARTING.
NO, NO, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.
ASK HIM QUESTIONS.

NO, NO, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.
ASK HIM QUESTIONS.
YOU CONJURED HIM UP,

ASK HIM QUESTIONS.
YOU CONJURED HIM UP,
YOU TALK TO HIM.

YOU CONJURED HIM UP,
YOU TALK TO HIM.
MR. MIKE, MR. MIKE,

YOU TALK TO HIM.
MR. MIKE, MR. MIKE,
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO TELL US?

MR. MIKE, MR. MIKE,
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO TELL US?
OH, YEAH, ONE THING...

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO TELL US?
OH, YEAH, ONE THING...
DID I MENTION THAT SINCE I LEFT,

OH, YEAH, ONE THING...
DID I MENTION THAT SINCE I LEFT,
THE SHOW REALLY SUCKS

DID I MENTION THAT SINCE I LEFT,
THE SHOW REALLY SUCKS
RUBBER DONKEY LUNGS?

THE SHOW REALLY SUCKS
RUBBER DONKEY LUNGS?
[LAUGHTER]

RUBBER DONKEY LUNGS?
[LAUGHTER]
YES, MR. MIKE, MANY TIMES,

[LAUGHTER]
YES, MR. MIKE, MANY TIMES,
AND, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS

YES, MR. MIKE, MANY TIMES,
AND, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS
ON MONDO VIDEO.

AND, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS
ON MONDO VIDEO.
[LAUGHTER]

ON MONDO VIDEO.
[LAUGHTER]
MR. MIKE, YOU'RE FADING AWAY!

[LAUGHTER]
MR. MIKE, YOU'RE FADING AWAY!
OH, SORRY WE COULDN'T TALK

MR. MIKE, YOU'RE FADING AWAY!
OH, SORRY WE COULDN'T TALK
LONGER, MR. MIKE, GOOD-BYE!

OH, SORRY WE COULDN'T TALK
LONGER, MR. MIKE, GOOD-BYE!
NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?

LONGER, MR. MIKE, GOOD-BYE!
NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?
YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?

NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?
YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?
YES, WE DO, BUT I DON'T KNOW

YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?
YES, WE DO, BUT I DON'T KNOW
IF I WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.

YES, WE DO, BUT I DON'T KNOW
IF I WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
SHH.

IF I WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
SHH.
I FEEL THE PRESENCE...

SHH.
I FEEL THE PRESENCE...
OF ANOTHER SPIRIT.

I FEEL THE PRESENCE...
OF ANOTHER SPIRIT.
NOW, EVERYONE CONCENTRATE, OK?

OF ANOTHER SPIRIT.
NOW, EVERYONE CONCENTRATE, OK?
[MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

NOW, EVERYONE CONCENTRATE, OK?
[MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
JANE, ARE YOU OK?

[MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
JANE, ARE YOU OK?
SHH, LEAVE HER ALONE!

JANE, ARE YOU OK?
SHH, LEAVE HER ALONE!
SPIRIT... ARE YOU SPEAKING

SHH, LEAVE HER ALONE!
SPIRIT... ARE YOU SPEAKING
THROUGH JANE?

SPIRIT... ARE YOU SPEAKING
THROUGH JANE?
HUH?

THROUGH JANE?
HUH?
SPIRIT, ARE YOU SPEAKING

HUH?
SPIRIT, ARE YOU SPEAKING
THROUGH JANE?

SPIRIT, ARE YOU SPEAKING
THROUGH JANE?
YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO COME

THROUGH JANE?
YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO COME
BACK AND DO A SCENE WITH A

YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO COME
BACK AND DO A SCENE WITH A
LITTLE CLASS, YOU KNOW?

BACK AND DO A SCENE WITH A
LITTLE CLASS, YOU KNOW?
A LITTLE DIGNITY...

LITTLE CLASS, YOU KNOW?
A LITTLE DIGNITY...
JOE COCKER, SAMURAI, A BEE,

A LITTLE DIGNITY...
JOE COCKER, SAMURAI, A BEE,
A CHEESEBURGER SCENE.

JOE COCKER, SAMURAI, A BEE,
A CHEESEBURGER SCENE.
SOMETHING THAT WAS GOOD,

A CHEESEBURGER SCENE.
SOMETHING THAT WAS GOOD,
SOMETHING THAT WAS

SOMETHING THAT WAS GOOD,
SOMETHING THAT WAS
WELL-WRITTEN, BUT NO!

SOMETHING THAT WAS
WELL-WRITTEN, BUT NO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA COME BACK AND DO A,
A CHEAP SÉANCE SKETCH!
[LAUGHTER]

A CHEAP SÉANCE SKETCH!
[LAUGHTER]
JOHN, JOHN, IS THERE ANYTHING

[LAUGHTER]
JOHN, JOHN, IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY TO US?

JOHN, JOHN, IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY TO US?
LIVE, FROM NEW YORK,

ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY TO US?
LIVE, FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE, FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[♪...]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE...

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE...
WITH PAUL SIMON...

NIGHT LIVE...
WITH PAUL SIMON...
AND JAMES TAYLOR.

WITH PAUL SIMON...
AND JAMES TAYLOR.
STARRING JANE CURTIN...

AND JAMES TAYLOR.
STARRING JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

STARRING JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
GILDA RADNER...

LARAINE NEWMAN...
GILDA RADNER...
AND HARRY SHEARER.

GILDA RADNER...
AND HARRY SHEARER.
WITH MUSICAL GUEST,

AND HARRY SHEARER.
WITH MUSICAL GUEST,
DAVID SANBORN.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST,
DAVID SANBORN.
[♪...]

DAVID SANBORN.
[♪...]
AND FEATURING PETER AYKROYD...

[♪...]
AND FEATURING PETER AYKROYD...
TOM DAVIS...

AND FEATURING PETER AYKROYD...
TOM DAVIS...
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY...

TOM DAVIS...
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY...
AND PAUL SHAFFER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
AND THAT'S A SUBWAY.
I HATE THESE PEOPLE WHO CALL

AND THAT'S A SUBWAY.
I HATE THESE PEOPLE WHO CALL
DENVER THE MOST WONDERFUL,

I HATE THESE PEOPLE WHO CALL
DENVER THE MOST WONDERFUL,
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.

DENVER THE MOST WONDERFUL,
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.
[PIANO PLAYS]

GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.
[PIANO PLAYS]
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE

[PIANO PLAYS]
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE
SUBWAYS IN DENVER.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE
SUBWAYS IN DENVER.
THIS IS A CITY.

SUBWAYS IN DENVER.
THIS IS A CITY.
♪ NEW YORK ♪

THIS IS A CITY.
♪ NEW YORK ♪
♪ CITY OF DREAMS ♪

♪ NEW YORK ♪
♪ CITY OF DREAMS ♪
♪ WHY HAVE I CHOSEN TO

♪ CITY OF DREAMS ♪
♪ WHY HAVE I CHOSEN TO
LIVE MY LIFE HERE

♪ WHY HAVE I CHOSEN TO
LIVE MY LIFE HERE
IN MANHATTAN? ♪

LIVE MY LIFE HERE
IN MANHATTAN? ♪
♪ NEW YORK, TELL ME,

IN MANHATTAN? ♪
♪ NEW YORK, TELL ME,
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO? ♪

♪ NEW YORK, TELL ME,
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO? ♪
♪ 7 A.M., MY ANSWERING SERVICE

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO? ♪
♪ 7 A.M., MY ANSWERING SERVICE
WAKES ME ON THE DOT ♪

♪ 7 A.M., MY ANSWERING SERVICE
WAKES ME ON THE DOT ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE

WAKES ME ON THE DOT ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE
WAKING UP ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE
WAKING UP ♪
♪ IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THIS WAY ♪

WAKING UP ♪
♪ IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THIS WAY ♪
♪ THEY JUST SEND ME A BILL

♪ IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THIS WAY ♪
♪ THEY JUST SEND ME A BILL
ONE TIME A MONTH ♪

♪ THEY JUST SEND ME A BILL
ONE TIME A MONTH ♪
♪ I TAKE A COLD SHOWER ♪

ONE TIME A MONTH ♪
♪ I TAKE A COLD SHOWER ♪
♪ I'VE GIVEN UP TRYING HOT ♪

♪ I TAKE A COLD SHOWER ♪
♪ I'VE GIVEN UP TRYING HOT ♪
♪ AND I'M OUT ON THE STREETS ♪

♪ I'VE GIVEN UP TRYING HOT ♪
♪ AND I'M OUT ON THE STREETS ♪
♪ BREAKFAST IS EGGS, TOAST,

♪ AND I'M OUT ON THE STREETS ♪
♪ BREAKFAST IS EGGS, TOAST,
COFFEE AND THEN I...

♪ BREAKFAST IS EGGS, TOAST,
COFFEE AND THEN I...
JAM DOWNTOWN ♪

COFFEE AND THEN I...
JAM DOWNTOWN ♪
[♪...]

JAM DOWNTOWN ♪
[♪...]
I TAKE THE EXPRESS.

[♪...]
I TAKE THE EXPRESS.
THAT'S RIGHT, I TAKE

I TAKE THE EXPRESS.
THAT'S RIGHT, I TAKE
THE EXPRESS TRAIN.

THAT'S RIGHT, I TAKE
THE EXPRESS TRAIN.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO,

THE EXPRESS TRAIN.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO,
AND I DON'T WAIT, NEITHER.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO,
AND I DON'T WAIT, NEITHER.
I DON'T WAIT IN LINE, EITHER.

AND I DON'T WAIT, NEITHER.
I DON'T WAIT IN LINE, EITHER.
NO, I DON'T WAIT IN LINE,

I DON'T WAIT IN LINE, EITHER.
NO, I DON'T WAIT IN LINE,
EITHER, NO.

NO, I DON'T WAIT IN LINE,
EITHER, NO.
'CAUSE I GOT MY TOKEN

EITHER, NO.
'CAUSE I GOT MY TOKEN
ON MY WAY HOME LAST NIGHT.

'CAUSE I GOT MY TOKEN
ON MY WAY HOME LAST NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]

ON MY WAY HOME LAST NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M MIDTOWN.

[LAUGHTER]
I'M MIDTOWN.
I'M IN MY OWN APARTMENT.

I'M MIDTOWN.
I'M IN MY OWN APARTMENT.
I'M THE ONLY GUY WHO GETS

I'M IN MY OWN APARTMENT.
I'M THE ONLY GUY WHO GETS
A JELLY BISMARCK WHEN THE

I'M THE ONLY GUY WHO GETS
A JELLY BISMARCK WHEN THE
COFFEE MAN COMES THROUGH

A JELLY BISMARCK WHEN THE
COFFEE MAN COMES THROUGH
BECAUSE I'M THERE WAITING FOR

COFFEE MAN COMES THROUGH
BECAUSE I'M THERE WAITING FOR
HIM AT 10:05 ON THE DOT WHEN HE

BECAUSE I'M THERE WAITING FOR
HIM AT 10:05 ON THE DOT WHEN HE
WALKS IN THE DOOR.

HIM AT 10:05 ON THE DOT WHEN HE
WALKS IN THE DOOR.
GIVE ME THAT JELLY

WALKS IN THE DOOR.
GIVE ME THAT JELLY
BISMARCK, BOY.

GIVE ME THAT JELLY
BISMARCK, BOY.
[MAKES CHEWING NOISES]

BISMARCK, BOY.
[MAKES CHEWING NOISES]
♪ LITTLE WORK, LITTLE WORK

[MAKES CHEWING NOISES]
♪ LITTLE WORK, LITTLE WORK
AND THEN IT'S LUNCHTIME,

♪ LITTLE WORK, LITTLE WORK
AND THEN IT'S LUNCHTIME,
LUNCHTIME, LUNCHTIME ♪

AND THEN IT'S LUNCHTIME,
LUNCHTIME, LUNCHTIME ♪
♪ LUNCHTIME, LUNCHTIME,

LUNCHTIME, LUNCHTIME ♪
♪ LUNCHTIME, LUNCHTIME,
LUNCHTIME ♪

♪ LUNCHTIME, LUNCHTIME,
LUNCHTIME ♪
♪ I GOT A GREAT BUILDING ♪

LUNCHTIME ♪
♪ I GOT A GREAT BUILDING ♪
♪ I GOT A DAMN GOOD DELI

♪ I GOT A GREAT BUILDING ♪
♪ I GOT A DAMN GOOD DELI
RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS ♪

♪ I GOT A DAMN GOOD DELI
RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS ♪
♪ I'LL GET A TUNA SALAD,

RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS ♪
♪ I'LL GET A TUNA SALAD,
I WANT FRESH RYE BREAD

♪ I'LL GET A TUNA SALAD,
I WANT FRESH RYE BREAD
AND DON'T FORGET THE PICKLE ♪

I WANT FRESH RYE BREAD
AND DON'T FORGET THE PICKLE ♪
♪ THANK YOU ♪

AND DON'T FORGET THE PICKLE ♪
♪ THANK YOU ♪
♪ NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU SO ♪

♪ THANK YOU ♪
♪ NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU SO ♪
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

♪ NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU SO ♪
[♪..., APPLAUSE]
A QUICK STOP AT THE BANK.

[♪..., APPLAUSE]
A QUICK STOP AT THE BANK.
I'M IN THE RIGHT LINE

A QUICK STOP AT THE BANK.
I'M IN THE RIGHT LINE
BECAUSE I KNOW WHICH CASHIER

I'M IN THE RIGHT LINE
BECAUSE I KNOW WHICH CASHIER
IS THE FASTEST.

BECAUSE I KNOW WHICH CASHIER
IS THE FASTEST.
AND THEN I'M BACK TO MY OFFICE.

IS THE FASTEST.
AND THEN I'M BACK TO MY OFFICE.
I SIMPLY RETURN ALL MY CALLS AND

AND THEN I'M BACK TO MY OFFICE.
I SIMPLY RETURN ALL MY CALLS AND
THEN I'M THROUGH.

I SIMPLY RETURN ALL MY CALLS AND
THEN I'M THROUGH.
I'M DONE.

THEN I'M THROUGH.
I'M DONE.
I CAN GET BACK ON THE EXPRESS!

I'M DONE.
I CAN GET BACK ON THE EXPRESS!
OH!

I CAN GET BACK ON THE EXPRESS!
OH!
AND THEN I DON'T WAIT IN LINE

OH!
AND THEN I DON'T WAIT IN LINE
EITHER, NO.

AND THEN I DON'T WAIT IN LINE
EITHER, NO.
NO, I DON'T WAIT IN LINE THIS

EITHER, NO.
NO, I DON'T WAIT IN LINE THIS
TIME BECAUSE I KNOW... 'CAUSE I

NO, I DON'T WAIT IN LINE THIS
TIME BECAUSE I KNOW... 'CAUSE I
GOT MORE TOKENS WHILE I WAS

TIME BECAUSE I KNOW... 'CAUSE I
GOT MORE TOKENS WHILE I WAS
THE BANK! [GRUNTS]

GOT MORE TOKENS WHILE I WAS
THE BANK! [GRUNTS]
[LAUGHTER, PIANO CONTINUES]

I'M HOME... I'M IN MY PLACE.
I GOT A DAMN GOOD STUDIO
APARTMENT, $155 A MONTH,

I GOT A DAMN GOOD STUDIO
APARTMENT, $155 A MONTH,
INCLUDING UTILITIES!

APARTMENT, $155 A MONTH,
INCLUDING UTILITIES!
♪ IT'S RENT-CONTROLLED... ♪

INCLUDING UTILITIES!
♪ IT'S RENT-CONTROLLED... ♪
AND 'CAUSE I'M CUTTING BACK ON

♪ IT'S RENT-CONTROLLED... ♪
AND 'CAUSE I'M CUTTING BACK ON
MY FOOD BUDGET, I'M GONNA HAVE

AND 'CAUSE I'M CUTTING BACK ON
MY FOOD BUDGET, I'M GONNA HAVE
MYSELF A KRAFT MACARONI

MY FOOD BUDGET, I'M GONNA HAVE
MYSELF A KRAFT MACARONI
AND CHEESE DINNER...

MYSELF A KRAFT MACARONI
AND CHEESE DINNER...
THE FAMILY PORTION.

AND CHEESE DINNER...
THE FAMILY PORTION.
LOTS TO EAT,

THE FAMILY PORTION.
LOTS TO EAT,
PLENTY TO EAT, AT THAT.

LOTS TO EAT,
PLENTY TO EAT, AT THAT.
AND JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A NUTTY

PLENTY TO EAT, AT THAT.
AND JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A NUTTY
TOWN, JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A CRAZY,

AND JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A NUTTY
TOWN, JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A CRAZY,
NUTTY TOWN, JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A

TOWN, JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A CRAZY,
NUTTY TOWN, JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A
NUTTY, CRAZY TOWN...

NUTTY TOWN, JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A
NUTTY, CRAZY TOWN...
JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A NUTTY, CRAZY,

NUTTY, CRAZY TOWN...
JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A NUTTY, CRAZY,
NUTTY, CRAZY TOWN,

JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A NUTTY, CRAZY,
NUTTY, CRAZY TOWN,
I'M GONNA DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE

NUTTY, CRAZY TOWN,
I'M GONNA DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE
OF NEW YORK STATE WINE.

I'M GONNA DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE
OF NEW YORK STATE WINE.
♪ NEW YORK, WHY AM I

OF NEW YORK STATE WINE.
♪ NEW YORK, WHY AM I
SO MUCH IN LOVE? ♪

♪ NEW YORK, WHY AM I
SO MUCH IN LOVE? ♪
♪ OH, WHY DOESN'T EVERYBODY

SO MUCH IN LOVE? ♪
♪ OH, WHY DOESN'T EVERYBODY
LIVE HERE? ♪

♪ OH, WHY DOESN'T EVERYBODY
LIVE HERE? ♪
SWEET BEJESUS!

LIVE HERE? ♪
SWEET BEJESUS!
I'M SO HAPPY...

SWEET BEJESUS!
I'M SO HAPPY...
[MUSIC ENDS]

I'M SO HAPPY...
[MUSIC ENDS]
[SPITS]

[MUSIC ENDS]
[SPITS]
[LAUGHTER]

[SPITS]
[LAUGHTER]
♪ THAT I'M HERE. ♪

[LAUGHTER]
♪ THAT I'M HERE. ♪
[PIANO RESUMES]

♪ THAT I'M HERE. ♪
[PIANO RESUMES]
[MUSIC ENDS,

[PIANO RESUMES]
[MUSIC ENDS,
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: HORIZON
CORPORATION ANNOUNCES SYSTEM 12,
A BREAKTHROUGH.

CORPORATION ANNOUNCES SYSTEM 12,
A BREAKTHROUGH.
THE LARGEST TELEVISION SYSTEM

A BREAKTHROUGH.
THE LARGEST TELEVISION SYSTEM
EVER IS NOW EVEN LARGER, WITH A

THE LARGEST TELEVISION SYSTEM
EVER IS NOW EVEN LARGER, WITH A
FULL 42-INCH PICTURE TUBE FOR

EVER IS NOW EVEN LARGER, WITH A
FULL 42-INCH PICTURE TUBE FOR
THE BRIGHTEST IMAGE EVER,

FULL 42-INCH PICTURE TUBE FOR
THE BRIGHTEST IMAGE EVER,
FOUR MODULAR ELEMENTS AND

THE BRIGHTEST IMAGE EVER,
FOUR MODULAR ELEMENTS AND
COMPONENTS... MAKING IT THE

FOUR MODULAR ELEMENTS AND
COMPONENTS... MAKING IT THE
HEAVIEST, MOST POWERFUL

COMPONENTS... MAKING IT THE
HEAVIEST, MOST POWERFUL
TELEVISION IN HORIZON HISTORY...

HEAVIEST, MOST POWERFUL
TELEVISION IN HORIZON HISTORY...
WITH CHANNEL SELECTOR, CHANNEL

TELEVISION IN HORIZON HISTORY...
WITH CHANNEL SELECTOR, CHANNEL
CONTROL CENTER, A.C. POWER CORD,

WITH CHANNEL SELECTOR, CHANNEL
CONTROL CENTER, A.C. POWER CORD,
12 SPEAKERS, AND A

CONTROL CENTER, A.C. POWER CORD,
12 SPEAKERS, AND A
HIGH-PERFORMANCE TELEVISION

12 SPEAKERS, AND A
HIGH-PERFORMANCE TELEVISION
SOUND SYSTEM WITH THE LOUDEST

HIGH-PERFORMANCE TELEVISION
SOUND SYSTEM WITH THE LOUDEST
SOUND REPRODUCTION EVER...

SOUND SYSTEM WITH THE LOUDEST
SOUND REPRODUCTION EVER...
HOUSED IN A FULL 204-INCH

SOUND REPRODUCTION EVER...
HOUSED IN A FULL 204-INCH
CABINET, DESIGN-CRAFTED

HOUSED IN A FULL 204-INCH
CABINET, DESIGN-CRAFTED
IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF

CABINET, DESIGN-CRAFTED
IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF
AMERICAN WORKMANSHIP.

IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF
AMERICAN WORKMANSHIP.
SYSTEM 12: A MASTERPIECE!

AMERICAN WORKMANSHIP.
SYSTEM 12: A MASTERPIECE!
LOUDER SOUND, MORE PARTS,

SYSTEM 12: A MASTERPIECE!
LOUDER SOUND, MORE PARTS,
BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER.

LOUDER SOUND, MORE PARTS,
BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER.
SYSTEM 12... THE PARTS GO IN

BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER.
SYSTEM 12... THE PARTS GO IN
BEFORE THE NAME GOES ON.

SYSTEM 12... THE PARTS GO IN
BEFORE THE NAME GOES ON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING.
IN HONOR OF ST. PATRICK'S DAY,
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO READ ONE OF

IN HONOR OF ST. PATRICK'S DAY,
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO READ ONE OF
THE OLD FAVORITE IRISH

I'VE BEEN ASKED TO READ ONE OF
THE OLD FAVORITE IRISH
FAIRY TALES.

THE OLD FAVORITE IRISH
FAIRY TALES.
IT'S CALLED

FAIRY TALES.
IT'S CALLED
"THE BIGGEST LEPRECHAUN."

IT'S CALLED
"THE BIGGEST LEPRECHAUN."
"ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE COUNTY

"THE BIGGEST LEPRECHAUN."
"ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE COUNTY
CARRY AT A TINY, SMALL GRASS

"ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE COUNTY
CARRY AT A TINY, SMALL GRASS
HOUSE NEARBY TO AN EMPTY MILK

CARRY AT A TINY, SMALL GRASS
HOUSE NEARBY TO AN EMPTY MILK
CAN THAT HAD LONG AGO FALLEN OFF

HOUSE NEARBY TO AN EMPTY MILK
CAN THAT HAD LONG AGO FALLEN OFF
A FARMER'S CART, AND NEXT TO A

CAN THAT HAD LONG AGO FALLEN OFF
A FARMER'S CART, AND NEXT TO A
STUMP AND BESIDE A FENCE THAT

A FARMER'S CART, AND NEXT TO A
STUMP AND BESIDE A FENCE THAT
MARKED OLD MAN McGUIRE'S

STUMP AND BESIDE A FENCE THAT
MARKED OLD MAN McGUIRE'S
PASTURE, THERE LIVED A BAND

MARKED OLD MAN McGUIRE'S
PASTURE, THERE LIVED A BAND
OF LEPRECHAUNS.

PASTURE, THERE LIVED A BAND
OF LEPRECHAUNS.
THESE WERE SOME OF THE LITTLE

OF LEPRECHAUNS.
THESE WERE SOME OF THE LITTLE
PEOPLE, ALSO KNOWN AS "THE WEE

THESE WERE SOME OF THE LITTLE
PEOPLE, ALSO KNOWN AS "THE WEE
ONES" WHO ARE THE MISCHIEVOUS

PEOPLE, ALSO KNOWN AS "THE WEE
ONES" WHO ARE THE MISCHIEVOUS
FAIRIES WHO PEOPLED THE

ONES" WHO ARE THE MISCHIEVOUS
FAIRIES WHO PEOPLED THE
MOUNTAINS AND VALES, THE BARNS

FAIRIES WHO PEOPLED THE
MOUNTAINS AND VALES, THE BARNS
AND BONSYDE OF ALL IRELAND.

MOUNTAINS AND VALES, THE BARNS
AND BONSYDE OF ALL IRELAND.
THEY ARE RARELY SEEN BUT

AND BONSYDE OF ALL IRELAND.
THEY ARE RARELY SEEN BUT
WELL-KNOWN FOR THEIR PLAYFUL

THEY ARE RARELY SEEN BUT
WELL-KNOWN FOR THEIR PLAYFUL
PRANKS, AND IT IS WELL-KNOWN

WELL-KNOWN FOR THEIR PLAYFUL
PRANKS, AND IT IS WELL-KNOWN
ALSO THAT SHOULD A PERSON MANAGE

PRANKS, AND IT IS WELL-KNOWN
ALSO THAT SHOULD A PERSON MANAGE
TO CATCH ONE, A LEPRECHAUN WILL

ALSO THAT SHOULD A PERSON MANAGE
TO CATCH ONE, A LEPRECHAUN WILL
PROMISE A POT OF GOLD

TO CATCH ONE, A LEPRECHAUN WILL
PROMISE A POT OF GOLD
TO BE SET FREE.

PROMISE A POT OF GOLD
TO BE SET FREE.
NOW, AMONG THIS PARTICULAR BAND

TO BE SET FREE.
NOW, AMONG THIS PARTICULAR BAND
WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SEAN,

NOW, AMONG THIS PARTICULAR BAND
WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SEAN,
WHO, WHILE WEE, WAS EVEN SO THE

WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SEAN,
WHO, WHILE WEE, WAS EVEN SO THE
LEAST WEE OF ALL THE WEE PEOPLE.

WHO, WHILE WEE, WAS EVEN SO THE
LEAST WEE OF ALL THE WEE PEOPLE.
RUN FOR IT, HIDE!

LEAST WEE OF ALL THE WEE PEOPLE.
RUN FOR IT, HIDE!
I THREW SOME CHOWDER IN MRS.

RUN FOR IT, HIDE!
I THREW SOME CHOWDER IN MRS.
MURPHY'S OVERALLS, AND SHE'S

I THREW SOME CHOWDER IN MRS.
MURPHY'S OVERALLS, AND SHE'S
RIGHT ON OUR HEELS.

MURPHY'S OVERALLS, AND SHE'S
RIGHT ON OUR HEELS.
[ALL SHOUTING]

RIGHT ON OUR HEELS.
[ALL SHOUTING]
QUICKLY, GET INSIDE!

Narrator: SEAN WAS INDEED
SO TALL.
HE WAS TALLER THAN A MILK CAN.

SO TALL.
HE WAS TALLER THAN A MILK CAN.
AND HE WAS SO FAT, HE WAS BIGGER

HE WAS TALLER THAN A MILK CAN.
AND HE WAS SO FAT, HE WAS BIGGER
THAN A BUCKET.

AND HE WAS SO FAT, HE WAS BIGGER
THAN A BUCKET.
SO IT WAS HARD FOR HIM TO HIDE,

THAN A BUCKET.
SO IT WAS HARD FOR HIM TO HIDE,
AND HE OFTEN GOT CAUGHT.

I GOT CAUGHT AGAIN.
I HAD TO PROMISE OLD MRS. MURPHY
A POT OF GOLD.

I HAD TO PROMISE OLD MRS. MURPHY
A POT OF GOLD.
OH, THAT'S JUST GRAND,

A POT OF GOLD.
OH, THAT'S JUST GRAND,
MR. HIGH AND WIDE.

OH, THAT'S JUST GRAND,
MR. HIGH AND WIDE.
DO YOU THINK WE'RE MADE OF GOLD?

MR. HIGH AND WIDE.
DO YOU THINK WE'RE MADE OF GOLD?
AYE, YOU'RE A SORRY LAD OF A

DO YOU THINK WE'RE MADE OF GOLD?
AYE, YOU'RE A SORRY LAD OF A
LAD, MY LAD, AND A LOT OF LAD, I

AYE, YOU'RE A SORRY LAD OF A
LAD, MY LAD, AND A LOT OF LAD, I
MIGHT ADD, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT

LAD, MY LAD, AND A LOT OF LAD, I
MIGHT ADD, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THE PRICE OF GOLD IS TODAY?

MIGHT ADD, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THE PRICE OF GOLD IS TODAY?
AND YOU'RE JUST GIVING IT AWAY,

THE PRICE OF GOLD IS TODAY?
AND YOU'RE JUST GIVING IT AWAY,
YOU GRAND FOOL!

AND YOU'RE JUST GIVING IT AWAY,
YOU GRAND FOOL!
AYE, YOU CALL YOURSELF A

YOU GRAND FOOL!
AYE, YOU CALL YOURSELF A
TEENY WEENIE... THAT'S A LAUGH.

AYE, YOU CALL YOURSELF A
TEENY WEENIE... THAT'S A LAUGH.
YOU'RE A FOUR-FOOT-LONG JUMBO

TEENY WEENIE... THAT'S A LAUGH.
YOU'RE A FOUR-FOOT-LONG JUMBO
HOT DOG.

YOU'RE A FOUR-FOOT-LONG JUMBO
HOT DOG.
AYE, NO WONDER YOU GOT CAUGHT

HOT DOG.
AYE, NO WONDER YOU GOT CAUGHT
ALL THE TIME.

AYE, NO WONDER YOU GOT CAUGHT
ALL THE TIME.
MUST YOU STAND UP SO STRAIGHT?

ALL THE TIME.
MUST YOU STAND UP SO STRAIGHT?
CAN'T YOU SLOUCH A LITTLE?

MUST YOU STAND UP SO STRAIGHT?
CAN'T YOU SLOUCH A LITTLE?
[SINGSONG] SEAN'S NOT

CAN'T YOU SLOUCH A LITTLE?
[SINGSONG] SEAN'S NOT
A FAIRY!

[SINGSONG] SEAN'S NOT
A FAIRY!
All: SEAN'S NOT A FAIRY!

A FAIRY!
All: SEAN'S NOT A FAIRY!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

All: SEAN'S NOT A FAIRY!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S ENOUGH.
HERE, TAKE THE GOLD.

THAT'S ENOUGH.
HERE, TAKE THE GOLD.
PAY OFF MRS. MURPHY, BUT YOU

HERE, TAKE THE GOLD.
PAY OFF MRS. MURPHY, BUT YOU
BETTER START ON A DIET...

PAY OFF MRS. MURPHY, BUT YOU
BETTER START ON A DIET...
NOTHING BUT SHAMROCK SALADS FOR

BETTER START ON A DIET...
NOTHING BUT SHAMROCK SALADS FOR
YOU, MISTER!

NOTHING BUT SHAMROCK SALADS FOR
YOU, MISTER!
BUT SEAN DIDN'T LEARN

YOU, MISTER!
BUT SEAN DIDN'T LEARN
HIS LESSON.

BUT SEAN DIDN'T LEARN
HIS LESSON.
HE DIDN'T DIET.

HIS LESSON.
HE DIDN'T DIET.
HE DIDN'T EVEN SLOUCH.

HE DIDN'T DIET.
HE DIDN'T EVEN SLOUCH.
AND SO, ONE DAY, AFTER TYING

HE DIDN'T EVEN SLOUCH.
AND SO, ONE DAY, AFTER TYING
McGUIRE'S SHOELACES TOGETHER AND

AND SO, ONE DAY, AFTER TYING
McGUIRE'S SHOELACES TOGETHER AND
KNOCKING OVER HIS TEA AND

McGUIRE'S SHOELACES TOGETHER AND
KNOCKING OVER HIS TEA AND
THROWING THE POOR MAN'S SCONES

KNOCKING OVER HIS TEA AND
THROWING THE POOR MAN'S SCONES
OUT THE WINDOW, SEAN WAS TRYING

THROWING THE POOR MAN'S SCONES
OUT THE WINDOW, SEAN WAS TRYING
TO HIDE BEHIND THE DAIRY CAN

OUT THE WINDOW, SEAN WAS TRYING
TO HIDE BEHIND THE DAIRY CAN
WHEN A BIG WIND CAME UP, BLOWING

TO HIDE BEHIND THE DAIRY CAN
WHEN A BIG WIND CAME UP, BLOWING
OVER THE CAN AND FLATTENING SEAN

WHEN A BIG WIND CAME UP, BLOWING
OVER THE CAN AND FLATTENING SEAN
BENEATH, WHICH ONLY PROVES THAT

OVER THE CAN AND FLATTENING SEAN
BENEATH, WHICH ONLY PROVES THAT
EVEN IF YOU HAVE ALL THE GOLD

BENEATH, WHICH ONLY PROVES THAT
EVEN IF YOU HAVE ALL THE GOLD
IN THE WORLD AND EVERYONE TELLS

EVEN IF YOU HAVE ALL THE GOLD
IN THE WORLD AND EVERYONE TELLS
YOU HOW BIG YOU ARE, IN THE END,

IN THE WORLD AND EVERYONE TELLS
YOU HOW BIG YOU ARE, IN THE END,
THERE ARE THINGS STILL BIGGER

YOU HOW BIG YOU ARE, IN THE END,
THERE ARE THINGS STILL BIGGER
THAN YOU.

THERE ARE THINGS STILL BIGGER
THAN YOU.
AND UNDER THAT BIG DAIRY CAN AND

THAN YOU.
AND UNDER THAT BIG DAIRY CAN AND
CARRY LIES A BIG FAT FAIRY...

AND UNDER THAT BIG DAIRY CAN AND
CARRY LIES A BIG FAT FAIRY...
BIG SEAN.

CARRY LIES A BIG FAT FAIRY...
BIG SEAN.
All [SINGING]: ♪ BIG SEAN ♪

BIG SEAN.
All [SINGING]: ♪ BIG SEAN ♪
♪ BIG, BAD SEAN ♪

All [SINGING]: ♪ BIG SEAN ♪
♪ BIG, BAD SEAN ♪
AND, THUS, WE LEARN AGAIN:

♪ BIG, BAD SEAN ♪
AND, THUS, WE LEARN AGAIN:
PEOPLE, EVEN LITTLE PEOPLE WHO

AND, THUS, WE LEARN AGAIN:
PEOPLE, EVEN LITTLE PEOPLE WHO
LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES, SHOULDN'T

PEOPLE, EVEN LITTLE PEOPLE WHO
LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES, SHOULDN'T
THROW SCONES.

LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES, SHOULDN'T
THROW SCONES.
GOOD NIGHT.

THROW SCONES.
GOOD NIGHT.
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

MOM!
MOM!
MOM, I'M HOME.

MOM!
MOM, I'M HOME.
OH... LISA!

MOM, I'M HOME.
OH... LISA!
HOW DID TODD'S CAMPAIGN

OH... LISA!
HOW DID TODD'S CAMPAIGN
RALLY GO?

HOW DID TODD'S CAMPAIGN
RALLY GO?
OH, IT WAS AWFUL.

RALLY GO?
OH, IT WAS AWFUL.
I LEFT IN THE MIDDLE.

OH, IT WAS AWFUL.
I LEFT IN THE MIDDLE.
I WISH I'D NEVER ENCOURAGED TODD

I LEFT IN THE MIDDLE.
I WISH I'D NEVER ENCOURAGED TODD
TO RUN FOR STUDENT BODY

I WISH I'D NEVER ENCOURAGED TODD
TO RUN FOR STUDENT BODY
PRESIDENT, MOM.

TO RUN FOR STUDENT BODY
PRESIDENT, MOM.
HE HAS NO PLATFORMS, JUST A

PRESIDENT, MOM.
HE HAS NO PLATFORMS, JUST A
BUNCH OF STUPID SLOGANS LIKE,

HE HAS NO PLATFORMS, JUST A
BUNCH OF STUPID SLOGANS LIKE,
"VOTE FOR TODD,

BUNCH OF STUPID SLOGANS LIKE,
"VOTE FOR TODD,
HE'S LIKE A GOD."

"VOTE FOR TODD,
HE'S LIKE A GOD."
OH, DEAR, HE IS GETTING A

HE'S LIKE A GOD."
OH, DEAR, HE IS GETTING A
SWELLED HEAD.

OH, DEAR, HE IS GETTING A
SWELLED HEAD.
OH, MOM, HIS WHOLE POLITICAL

SWELLED HEAD.
OH, MOM, HIS WHOLE POLITICAL
MACHINE IS FALLING APART,

OH, MOM, HIS WHOLE POLITICAL
MACHINE IS FALLING APART,
AND AS HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER,

MACHINE IS FALLING APART,
AND AS HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER,
I FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

AND AS HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER,
I FEEL RESPONSIBLE.
IT LOOKS LIKE THAT DUMB SHELLY

I FEEL RESPONSIBLE.
IT LOOKS LIKE THAT DUMB SHELLY
FABRISH IS GONNA WIN BY A

IT LOOKS LIKE THAT DUMB SHELLY
FABRISH IS GONNA WIN BY A
LANDSLIDE TOMORROW. [CRIES]

FABRISH IS GONNA WIN BY A
LANDSLIDE TOMORROW. [CRIES]
OH, NOW, I DON'T SUPPOSE A

LANDSLIDE TOMORROW. [CRIES]
OH, NOW, I DON'T SUPPOSE A
BIG BATCH OF EGG SALAD WOULD

OH, NOW, I DON'T SUPPOSE A
BIG BATCH OF EGG SALAD WOULD
CHANGE ANYTHING!

BIG BATCH OF EGG SALAD WOULD
CHANGE ANYTHING!
NO, MOM.

CHANGE ANYTHING!
NO, MOM.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.

NO, MOM.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
WELL, WHATEVER HAPPENS, REMEMBER

I DIDN'T THINK SO.
WELL, WHATEVER HAPPENS, REMEMBER
WHAT THERESA BREWER SAYS, "STAND

WELL, WHATEVER HAPPENS, REMEMBER
WHAT THERESA BREWER SAYS, "STAND
BY YOUR MAN."

WHAT THERESA BREWER SAYS, "STAND
BY YOUR MAN."
THAT WAS TAMMY WYNETTE.

BY YOUR MAN."
THAT WAS TAMMY WYNETTE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

THAT WAS TAMMY WYNETTE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
NO, DEAR, IT WAS

[DOORBELL RINGS]
NO, DEAR, IT WAS
THERESA BREWER.

NO, DEAR, IT WAS
THERESA BREWER.
HI, KIDS!

THERESA BREWER.
HI, KIDS!
Both: HELLO, MRS. LOOPNER.

HI, KIDS!
Both: HELLO, MRS. LOOPNER.
MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME.

Both: HELLO, MRS. LOOPNER.
MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME.
I WISH I COULD STAY AND CHEW THE

MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME.
I WISH I COULD STAY AND CHEW THE
FAT, BUT THERE'S A TUNA AND CORN

I WISH I COULD STAY AND CHEW THE
FAT, BUT THERE'S A TUNA AND CORN
NIBBLET CASSEROLE IN THE OVEN

FAT, BUT THERE'S A TUNA AND CORN
NIBBLET CASSEROLE IN THE OVEN
THAT'S CALLING MY NAME!

NIBBLET CASSEROLE IN THE OVEN
THAT'S CALLING MY NAME!
MMM, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

THAT'S CALLING MY NAME!
MMM, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
HELLO, ARTIE.

MMM, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
HELLO, ARTIE.
HELLO, BELINDA.

HELLO, ARTIE.
HELLO, BELINDA.
HELLO, LISA.

HELLO, BELINDA.
HELLO, LISA.
WHERE'S GOD?

HELLO, LISA.
WHERE'S GOD?
IF YOU MEAN TODD, HE ART ON

WHERE'S GOD?
IF YOU MEAN TODD, HE ART ON
HIS WAY OVER HERE WITH GRANT.

IF YOU MEAN TODD, HE ART ON
HIS WAY OVER HERE WITH GRANT.
YEAH, GRANT'S JUST BEEN

HIS WAY OVER HERE WITH GRANT.
YEAH, GRANT'S JUST BEEN
APPOINTED TODD'S BODYGUARD.

YEAH, GRANT'S JUST BEEN
APPOINTED TODD'S BODYGUARD.
WHY DOES TODD NEED

APPOINTED TODD'S BODYGUARD.
WHY DOES TODD NEED
A BODYGUARD?

WHY DOES TODD NEED
A BODYGUARD?
OH, THROUGH THE RALLY,

A BODYGUARD?
OH, THROUGH THE RALLY,
SOMEONE TRIED TO PULL

OH, THROUGH THE RALLY,
SOMEONE TRIED TO PULL
HIS PANTS DOWN.

SOMEONE TRIED TO PULL
HIS PANTS DOWN.
OH, NO, THE MOONING INCIDENT.

HIS PANTS DOWN.
OH, NO, THE MOONING INCIDENT.
DON'T TELL ME THEY'RE TRYING TO

OH, NO, THE MOONING INCIDENT.
DON'T TELL ME THEY'RE TRYING TO
BRING THAT UP AGAIN.

DON'T TELL ME THEY'RE TRYING TO
BRING THAT UP AGAIN.
LISA, THE DAY TODD THREW A

BRING THAT UP AGAIN.
LISA, THE DAY TODD THREW A
MOON IN STUDY HALL, HE BLEW HIS

LISA, THE DAY TODD THREW A
MOON IN STUDY HALL, HE BLEW HIS
CHANCES OF BECOMING PRESIDENT...

MOON IN STUDY HALL, HE BLEW HIS
CHANCES OF BECOMING PRESIDENT...
NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS. [LAUGHS]

CHANCES OF BECOMING PRESIDENT...
NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS. [LAUGHS]
OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT

NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS. [LAUGHS]
OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.

OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE'S NO PROOF

TO LAUGH.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE'S NO PROOF
THAT IT WAS TODD'S BUTT.

WELL, BESIDES, THERE'S NO PROOF
THAT IT WAS TODD'S BUTT.
WRONG, SHELLY FABRISH IS ON

THAT IT WAS TODD'S BUTT.
WRONG, SHELLY FABRISH IS ON
HIS WAY OVER WITH DOCUMENTED

WRONG, SHELLY FABRISH IS ON
HIS WAY OVER WITH DOCUMENTED
PHOTOS OF THE MAY, '78 MOONING.

HIS WAY OVER WITH DOCUMENTED
PHOTOS OF THE MAY, '78 MOONING.
I HAVE EXAMINED THE PHOTOS

PHOTOS OF THE MAY, '78 MOONING.
I HAVE EXAMINED THE PHOTOS
VERY CLOSELY AND, I MUST SAY,

I HAVE EXAMINED THE PHOTOS
VERY CLOSELY AND, I MUST SAY,
THEY MADE ME EXTREMELY NAUSEOUS.

VERY CLOSELY AND, I MUST SAY,
THEY MADE ME EXTREMELY NAUSEOUS.
IT WASN'T PRETTY.

THEY MADE ME EXTREMELY NAUSEOUS.
IT WASN'T PRETTY.
LISA, WE THINK THAT YOU

IT WASN'T PRETTY.
LISA, WE THINK THAT YOU
SHOULD ASK TODD TO CONCEDE.

LISA, WE THINK THAT YOU
SHOULD ASK TODD TO CONCEDE.
NO WAY, JOSE SCHNACKMAN.

SHOULD ASK TODD TO CONCEDE.
NO WAY, JOSE SCHNACKMAN.
[LAUGHTER]

NO WAY, JOSE SCHNACKMAN.
[LAUGHTER]
I REFUSE TO BE INTIMIDATED BY

[LAUGHTER]
I REFUSE TO BE INTIMIDATED BY
SMEAR TACTICS.

I REFUSE TO BE INTIMIDATED BY
SMEAR TACTICS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

SMEAR TACTICS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT'S OK, MOM, I'LL GET IT.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT'S OK, MOM, I'LL GET IT.
HI, I'M GRANT RALPHSON, JR.

THAT'S OK, MOM, I'LL GET IT.
HI, I'M GRANT RALPHSON, JR.
I WAS BUSSED TO YOUR SCHOOL FROM

HI, I'M GRANT RALPHSON, JR.
I WAS BUSSED TO YOUR SCHOOL FROM
HARRIETT TUBMAN HIGH.

I WAS BUSSED TO YOUR SCHOOL FROM
HARRIETT TUBMAN HIGH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO INTRODUCE

HARRIETT TUBMAN HIGH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO INTRODUCE
YOURSELF EVERY TIME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO INTRODUCE
YOURSELF EVERY TIME.
WE REMEMBER YOU, GRANT.

[GRUNTS]
THE LOOT IN THE LIVING ROOM IS
SECURE FOR ENTRY.

THE LOOT IN THE LIVING ROOM IS
SECURE FOR ENTRY.
AT EASE, GRANT.

SECURE FOR ENTRY.
AT EASE, GRANT.
HELLO, LISA,

AT EASE, GRANT.
HELLO, LISA,
HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?

HELLO, LISA,
HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?
HELLO, TODD.

HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?
HELLO, TODD.
WHY, ARTIE AND BELINDA, GLAD

HELLO, TODD.
WHY, ARTIE AND BELINDA, GLAD
TO HAVE YOUR SUPPORT.

WHY, ARTIE AND BELINDA, GLAD
TO HAVE YOUR SUPPORT.
TERRIFIC, TERRIFIC.

TO HAVE YOUR SUPPORT.
TERRIFIC, TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, COUNT ON CHOICE

TERRIFIC, TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, COUNT ON CHOICE
POLITICAL PLUMS IN THE NEAR

YOU KNOW, COUNT ON CHOICE
POLITICAL PLUMS IN THE NEAR
FUTURE, I ASSURE YOU.

POLITICAL PLUMS IN THE NEAR
FUTURE, I ASSURE YOU.
YEAH, WHEN HECK FREEZES OVER.

FUTURE, I ASSURE YOU.
YEAH, WHEN HECK FREEZES OVER.
YOU SEE? >> YEAH.

YEAH, WHEN HECK FREEZES OVER.
YOU SEE? >> YEAH.
UH, ANYWAY, I GUARANTEE I CAN

YOU SEE? >> YEAH.
UH, ANYWAY, I GUARANTEE I CAN
DELIVER THE BLACK VOTE.

UH, ANYWAY, I GUARANTEE I CAN
DELIVER THE BLACK VOTE.
UH-HUH, THERE, I HAVE THE

DELIVER THE BLACK VOTE.
UH-HUH, THERE, I HAVE THE
BLACK VOTE SEWN UP.

UH-HUH, THERE, I HAVE THE
BLACK VOTE SEWN UP.
YEAH, BIG DEAL... GRANT IS THE

BLACK VOTE SEWN UP.
YEAH, BIG DEAL... GRANT IS THE
BLACK VOTE, THE ONLY BLACK VOTE!

YEAH, BIG DEAL... GRANT IS THE
BLACK VOTE, THE ONLY BLACK VOTE!
TODD, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT

BLACK VOTE, THE ONLY BLACK VOTE!
TODD, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT
FABRISH IS GONNA CREAM YOU

TODD, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT
FABRISH IS GONNA CREAM YOU
AT THE POLLS?

FABRISH IS GONNA CREAM YOU
AT THE POLLS?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AT THE POLLS?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I JUST CAME UP WITH SOME GOOD

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I JUST CAME UP WITH SOME GOOD
CAMPAIGN SLOGANS.

I JUST CAME UP WITH SOME GOOD
CAMPAIGN SLOGANS.
HOW 'BOUT THESE:

CAMPAIGN SLOGANS.
HOW 'BOUT THESE:
"IN TODD WE TRUST."

HOW 'BOUT THESE:
"IN TODD WE TRUST."
[ALL GROANING]

"IN TODD WE TRUST."
[ALL GROANING]
"VOTE FOR TODD, HE'S GOT

[ALL GROANING]
"VOTE FOR TODD, HE'S GOT
A GREAT BOD," HUH?

"VOTE FOR TODD, HE'S GOT
A GREAT BOD," HUH?
IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN

A GREAT BOD," HUH?
IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN
SLOGANS TO PULL THIS ONE OUT OF

IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN
SLOGANS TO PULL THIS ONE OUT OF
THE DUMPER.

SLOGANS TO PULL THIS ONE OUT OF
THE DUMPER.
[BELINDA LAUGHS]

THE DUMPER.
[BELINDA LAUGHS]
BLUE MOON... [HUMMING MELODY]

[BELINDA LAUGHS]
BLUE MOON... [HUMMING MELODY]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

BLUE MOON... [HUMMING MELODY]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
[DOORBELL RINGS]

HELLO, PEOPLE.
Lisa and Todd: HELLO,
SHELLEY.

Lisa and Todd: HELLO,
SHELLEY.
YOU GOT YOUR NERVE

SHELLEY.
YOU GOT YOUR NERVE
COMING HERE, FABRISH.

YOU GOT YOUR NERVE
COMING HERE, FABRISH.
OH, I JUST REMEMBERED...

COMING HERE, FABRISH.
OH, I JUST REMEMBERED...
I FORGOT SOMETHING!

OH, I JUST REMEMBERED...
I FORGOT SOMETHING!
COME ON, ARTIE, LET'S GO.

I FORGOT SOMETHING!
COME ON, ARTIE, LET'S GO.
YEAH.

COME ON, ARTIE, LET'S GO.
YEAH.
DON'T FORGET WHAT WE TALKED

YEAH.
DON'T FORGET WHAT WE TALKED
ABOUT, LISA. >> YEAH.

DON'T FORGET WHAT WE TALKED
ABOUT, LISA. >> YEAH.
YEAH, BYE, PIZZA BUTT.

ABOUT, LISA. >> YEAH.
YEAH, BYE, PIZZA BUTT.
[ARTIE AND BELINDA LAUGH]

YEAH, BYE, PIZZA BUTT.
[ARTIE AND BELINDA LAUGH]
I SUBMIT FOR YOUR PERUSAL

[ARTIE AND BELINDA LAUGH]
I SUBMIT FOR YOUR PERUSAL
EXHIBIT "A," BLOWUPS OF THE

I SUBMIT FOR YOUR PERUSAL
EXHIBIT "A," BLOWUPS OF THE
SURFACE OF THE MOON.

EXHIBIT "A," BLOWUPS OF THE
SURFACE OF THE MOON.
NOTICE THE TELL-TALE CRATERS.

SURFACE OF THE MOON.
NOTICE THE TELL-TALE CRATERS.
UH, THERE'S NOTHING IN THESE

NOTICE THE TELL-TALE CRATERS.
UH, THERE'S NOTHING IN THESE
PHOTOS TO PROVE THAT

UH, THERE'S NOTHING IN THESE
PHOTOS TO PROVE THAT
IT'S TODD'S BUTT.

PHOTOS TO PROVE THAT
IT'S TODD'S BUTT.
OH, YEAH?

IT'S TODD'S BUTT.
OH, YEAH?
EXHIBIT "B," POLAROID OF

OH, YEAH?
EXHIBIT "B," POLAROID OF
TODAY'S PANTSING.

EXHIBIT "B," POLAROID OF
TODAY'S PANTSING.
COMPARE AND CONTRAST.

TODAY'S PANTSING.
COMPARE AND CONTRAST.
HE'S GOT YOU.

COMPARE AND CONTRAST.
HE'S GOT YOU.
I'M WARNING YOU, DiLaMUCA,

HE'S GOT YOU.
I'M WARNING YOU, DiLaMUCA,
UNLESS YOU PULL OUT, THESE

I'M WARNING YOU, DiLaMUCA,
UNLESS YOU PULL OUT, THESE
PHOTOS ARE GONNA BE ALL OVER THE

UNLESS YOU PULL OUT, THESE
PHOTOS ARE GONNA BE ALL OVER THE
FRONT PAGE OF THE SCHOOL PAPER

PHOTOS ARE GONNA BE ALL OVER THE
FRONT PAGE OF THE SCHOOL PAPER
TOMORROW MORNING.

FRONT PAGE OF THE SCHOOL PAPER
TOMORROW MORNING.
I REST MY CASE.

TOMORROW MORNING.
I REST MY CASE.
YEAH, REST ON THIS!

I REST MY CASE.
YEAH, REST ON THIS!
[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, REST ON THIS!
[LAUGHTER]
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

[LAUGHTER]
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
I CAN SAY IT WAS ME.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
I CAN SAY IT WAS ME.
UH... I APPRECIATE THE

I CAN SAY IT WAS ME.
UH... I APPRECIATE THE
GESTURE AND THE LOYALTY, GRANT,

UH... I APPRECIATE THE
GESTURE AND THE LOYALTY, GRANT,
BUT I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'LL

GESTURE AND THE LOYALTY, GRANT,
BUT I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'LL
EVER BUY IT.

BUT I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'LL
EVER BUY IT.
OH, WELL, I GOTTA BE GOING.

EVER BUY IT.
OH, WELL, I GOTTA BE GOING.
IT'S A LONG BUS RIDE HOME.

OH, WELL, I GOTTA BE GOING.
IT'S A LONG BUS RIDE HOME.
BYE, GRANT.

IT'S A LONG BUS RIDE HOME.
BYE, GRANT.
YOU'RE RELEASED, GRANT.

BYE, GRANT.
YOU'RE RELEASED, GRANT.
ISN'T THAT INCIDENT EVER GONNA

YOU'RE RELEASED, GRANT.
ISN'T THAT INCIDENT EVER GONNA
GO AWAY?

ISN'T THAT INCIDENT EVER GONNA
GO AWAY?
WILL IT HAUNT ME FOREVER?

GO AWAY?
WILL IT HAUNT ME FOREVER?
IT'S GROSSLY UNFAIR.

WILL IT HAUNT ME FOREVER?
IT'S GROSSLY UNFAIR.
HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?

IT'S GROSSLY UNFAIR.
HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?
WHATEVER YOU DID, TODD, WE

HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?
WHATEVER YOU DID, TODD, WE
CAN'T LET THAT SNEAKY LITTLE

WHATEVER YOU DID, TODD, WE
CAN'T LET THAT SNEAKY LITTLE
CREEP BLACKMAIL YOU.

CAN'T LET THAT SNEAKY LITTLE
CREEP BLACKMAIL YOU.
WHAT CAN I DO, LISA?

CREEP BLACKMAIL YOU.
WHAT CAN I DO, LISA?
THEY CAUGHT ME WITH

WHAT CAN I DO, LISA?
THEY CAUGHT ME WITH
MY PANTS DOWN.

THEY CAUGHT ME WITH
MY PANTS DOWN.
WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL

MY PANTS DOWN.
WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL
SHELLEY'S BLUFF?

WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL
SHELLEY'S BLUFF?
THE SCHOOL PAPER'LL NEVER PRINT

SHELLEY'S BLUFF?
THE SCHOOL PAPER'LL NEVER PRINT
THOSE PHOTOS.

THE SCHOOL PAPER'LL NEVER PRINT
THOSE PHOTOS.
THEY'RE TOO GROSS.

THOSE PHOTOS.
THEY'RE TOO GROSS.
YES, THAT'S VERY SMART, LISA.

THEY'RE TOO GROSS.
YES, THAT'S VERY SMART, LISA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW,

YES, THAT'S VERY SMART, LISA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT UP THERE WITH LIZ

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT UP THERE WITH LIZ
TAYLOR AND JANE FONDA...

YOU'RE RIGHT UP THERE WITH LIZ
TAYLOR AND JANE FONDA...
ALL THE GREAT POLITICAL CHICKS.

TAYLOR AND JANE FONDA...
ALL THE GREAT POLITICAL CHICKS.
EVITA... INCREDIBLE.

ALL THE GREAT POLITICAL CHICKS.
EVITA... INCREDIBLE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE WOMAN

EVITA... INCREDIBLE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE WOMAN
BEHIND THE MAN AND I, I WANNA

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE WOMAN
BEHIND THE MAN AND I, I WANNA
RETURN THE FAVOR.

BEHIND THE MAN AND I, I WANNA
RETURN THE FAVOR.
I WANT TO, UH, BESTOW UPON YOU

RETURN THE FAVOR.
I WANT TO, UH, BESTOW UPON YOU
SOME APPRECIATIVE, WELL-DESERVED

I WANT TO, UH, BESTOW UPON YOU
SOME APPRECIATIVE, WELL-DESERVED
BACKDOOR NOOGIES, MY DEAR.

SOME APPRECIATIVE, WELL-DESERVED
BACKDOOR NOOGIES, MY DEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT IN THE BUTT.

BACKDOOR NOOGIES, MY DEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT IN THE BUTT.
HOW 'BOUT A PELVIC

THAT'S RIGHT, RIGHT IN THE BUTT.
HOW 'BOUT A PELVIC
REVERSAL HERE?

HOW 'BOUT A PELVIC
REVERSAL HERE?
CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE!

REVERSAL HERE?
CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE!
OH, MOM, HELP! STOP!

CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE!
OH, MOM, HELP! STOP!
COME AND GET IT!

OH, MOM, HELP! STOP!
COME AND GET IT!
COME AND GET IT!

COME AND GET IT!
COME AND GET IT!
SOUP'S ON, CASSEROLE'S ON

COME AND GET IT!
SOUP'S ON, CASSEROLE'S ON
A HOT TRAY!

SOUP'S ON, CASSEROLE'S ON
A HOT TRAY!
COMING, COMING!

A HOT TRAY!
COMING, COMING!
COME ON...

COMING, COMING!
COME ON...
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PAUL
SIMON AND JAMES TAYLOR.
[APPLAUSE]

SIMON AND JAMES TAYLOR.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]
♪ DON'T WANT

[♪...]
♪ DON'T WANT
YOUR LOVE ANYMORE ♪

♪ DON'T WANT
YOUR LOVE ANYMORE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT YOUR KISSES,

YOUR LOVE ANYMORE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT YOUR KISSES,
THAT'S FOR SURE ♪

♪ DON'T WANT YOUR KISSES,
THAT'S FOR SURE ♪
♪ I DIE EACH TIME

THAT'S FOR SURE ♪
♪ I DIE EACH TIME
I HEAR THIS SOUND ♪

♪ I DIE EACH TIME
I HEAR THIS SOUND ♪
♪ HERE HE COMES,

I HEAR THIS SOUND ♪
♪ HERE HE COMES,
THAT'S CATHY'S CLOWN ♪

♪ HERE HE COMES,
THAT'S CATHY'S CLOWN ♪
♪ WELL, NOW A MAN'S

THAT'S CATHY'S CLOWN ♪
♪ WELL, NOW A MAN'S
GOT TO STAND TALL ♪

♪ WELL, NOW A MAN'S
GOT TO STAND TALL ♪
♪ A MAN CAN'T CRAWL ♪

GOT TO STAND TALL ♪
♪ A MAN CAN'T CRAWL ♪
♪ WHEN YOU SEE THAT IT'S A LIE

♪ A MAN CAN'T CRAWL ♪
♪ WHEN YOU SEE THAT IT'S A LIE
BUT YOU LET IT PASS ON BY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU SEE THAT IT'S A LIE
BUT YOU LET IT PASS ON BY ♪
♪ THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL ♪

BUT YOU LET IT PASS ON BY ♪
♪ THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL ♪
♪ WHOA, AND WHEN YOU SEE ME

♪ THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL ♪
♪ WHOA, AND WHEN YOU SEE ME
SHED A TEAR ♪

♪ WHOA, AND WHEN YOU SEE ME
SHED A TEAR ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT

SHED A TEAR ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT
IT'S SINCERE ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT
IT'S SINCERE ♪
♪ DON'T YOU THINK

IT'S SINCERE ♪
♪ DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S KIND OF SAD

♪ DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S KIND OF SAD
THAT YOU'RE TREATING ME SO BAD

IT'S KIND OF SAD
THAT YOU'RE TREATING ME SO BAD
OR DON'T YOU REALLY CARE? ♪

THAT YOU'RE TREATING ME SO BAD
OR DON'T YOU REALLY CARE? ♪
♪ DON'T WANT

OR DON'T YOU REALLY CARE? ♪
♪ DON'T WANT
YOUR LOVE ANYMORE ♪

♪ DON'T WANT
YOUR LOVE ANYMORE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT YOUR KISSES,

YOUR LOVE ANYMORE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT YOUR KISSES,
THAT'S FOR SURE ♪

♪ DON'T WANT YOUR KISSES,
THAT'S FOR SURE ♪
♪ I DIE EACH TIME

THAT'S FOR SURE ♪
♪ I DIE EACH TIME
I HEAR THIS SOUND ♪

♪ I DIE EACH TIME
I HEAR THIS SOUND ♪
♪ HERE HE COMES,

I HEAR THIS SOUND ♪
♪ HERE HE COMES,
THAT'S CATHY'S CLOWN ♪

♪ HERE HE COMES,
THAT'S CATHY'S CLOWN ♪
♪ HERE HE COMES... ♪

THAT'S CATHY'S CLOWN ♪
♪ HERE HE COMES... ♪
[MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE]

♪ HERE HE COMES... ♪
[MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[♪...]
♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO
EASE DOWN SLOWLY ♪

♪ HE KNOWS HOW TO
EASE DOWN SLOWLY ♪
[APPLAUSE]

EASE DOWN SLOWLY ♪
[APPLAUSE]
♪ WELL, EVERYTHING IS

[APPLAUSE]
♪ WELL, EVERYTHING IS
FINE IN THE END ♪

♪ WELL, EVERYTHING IS
FINE IN THE END ♪
♪ AND YOU WILL BE

FINE IN THE END ♪
♪ AND YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO KNOW

♪ AND YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO KNOW
THAT SUNNY SKIES

PLEASED TO KNOW
THAT SUNNY SKIES
HASN'T A FRIEND ♪

THAT SUNNY SKIES
HASN'T A FRIEND ♪
♪ SUNNY SKIES WEEPS

HASN'T A FRIEND ♪
♪ SUNNY SKIES WEEPS
IN THE EVENING ♪

♪ SUNNY SKIES WEEPS
IN THE EVENING ♪
♪ IT DOESN'T MUCH MATTER WHY ♪

IN THE EVENING ♪
♪ IT DOESN'T MUCH MATTER WHY ♪
♪ I RECKON HE HAS

♪ IT DOESN'T MUCH MATTER WHY ♪
♪ I RECKON HE HAS
TO CRY FROM TIME TO TIME ♪

♪ I RECKON HE HAS
TO CRY FROM TIME TO TIME ♪
♪ EVERYONE'S LEAVING ♪

TO CRY FROM TIME TO TIME ♪
♪ EVERYONE'S LEAVING ♪
♪ AND SUNNY SKIES,

♪ EVERYONE'S LEAVING ♪
♪ AND SUNNY SKIES,
HE HAS TO STAY BEHIND ♪

♪ AND SUNNY SKIES,
HE HAS TO STAY BEHIND ♪
♪ STILL HE KNOWS HOW TO... ♪

HE HAS TO STAY BEHIND ♪
♪ STILL HE KNOWS HOW TO... ♪
♪ EASE DOWN SLOW ♪

♪ STILL HE KNOWS HOW TO... ♪
♪ EASE DOWN SLOW ♪
♪ OH, NO, NOW ♪

♪ EASE DOWN SLOW ♪
♪ OH, NO, NOW ♪
♪ EVERYTHING IS FINE

♪ OH, NO, NOW ♪
♪ EVERYTHING IS FINE
IN THE END ♪

♪ EVERYTHING IS FINE
IN THE END ♪
♪ AND YOU WILL BE

IN THE END ♪
♪ AND YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO KNOW

♪ AND YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO KNOW
THAT SUNNY SKIES

PLEASED TO KNOW
THAT SUNNY SKIES
HASN'T A FRIEND ♪

THAT SUNNY SKIES
HASN'T A FRIEND ♪
♪ SUNNY SKIES SLEEPS

HASN'T A FRIEND ♪
♪ SUNNY SKIES SLEEPS
IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ SUNNY SKIES SLEEPS
IN THE MORNING ♪
♪ HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO RISE ♪

IN THE MORNING ♪
♪ HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO RISE ♪
♪ HE CLOSES HIS WEARY EYES

♪ HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO RISE ♪
♪ HE CLOSES HIS WEARY EYES
UPON THE DAY, YEAH, YEAH, NOW ♪

♪ HE CLOSES HIS WEARY EYES
UPON THE DAY, YEAH, YEAH, NOW ♪
♪ AND THROWS IT ALL AWAY ♪

UPON THE DAY, YEAH, YEAH, NOW ♪
♪ AND THROWS IT ALL AWAY ♪
[♪...]

♪ AND THROWS IT ALL AWAY ♪
[♪...]
♪ LOOKING AT THE SNOW AND TREES

[♪...]
♪ LOOKING AT THE SNOW AND TREES
THAT GROW OUTSIDE MY WINDOW ♪

♪ LOOKING AT THE SNOW AND TREES
THAT GROW OUTSIDE MY WINDOW ♪
♪ THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS

THAT GROW OUTSIDE MY WINDOW ♪
♪ THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS
THAT PASSED ME BY ♪

♪ THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS
THAT PASSED ME BY ♪
♪ PASSED ME RIGHT ON BY ♪

THAT PASSED ME BY ♪
♪ PASSED ME RIGHT ON BY ♪
♪ WONDERING IF WHERE I'VE BEEN

♪ PASSED ME RIGHT ON BY ♪
♪ WONDERING IF WHERE I'VE BEEN
IS WORTH THE THINGS

♪ WONDERING IF WHERE I'VE BEEN
IS WORTH THE THINGS
I'VE BEEN THROUGH ♪

IS WORTH THE THINGS
I'VE BEEN THROUGH ♪
♪ AND ENDING WITH A FRIEND

I'VE BEEN THROUGH ♪
♪ AND ENDING WITH A FRIEND
NAMED SUNNY SKIES. ♪

♪ AND ENDING WITH A FRIEND
NAMED SUNNY SKIES. ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]
♪ COME ON, TAKE ME
TO THE MARDI GRAS

♪ COME ON, TAKE ME
TO THE MARDI GRAS
WHERE THE PEOPLE SING AND PLAY ♪

TO THE MARDI GRAS
WHERE THE PEOPLE SING AND PLAY ♪
♪ WHERE THE DANCING IS ELITE

WHERE THE PEOPLE SING AND PLAY ♪
♪ WHERE THE DANCING IS ELITE
AND THERE'S MUSIC IN THE STREET,

♪ WHERE THE DANCING IS ELITE
AND THERE'S MUSIC IN THE STREET,
BOTH NIGHT AND DAY ♪

AND THERE'S MUSIC IN THE STREET,
BOTH NIGHT AND DAY ♪
♪ HURRY, TAKE ME TO

BOTH NIGHT AND DAY ♪
♪ HURRY, TAKE ME TO
THE MARDI GRAS,

♪ HURRY, TAKE ME TO
THE MARDI GRAS,
IN THE CITY OF MY DREAMS ♪

THE MARDI GRAS,
IN THE CITY OF MY DREAMS ♪
♪ YOU CAN LEGALIZE YOUR LOWS ♪

IN THE CITY OF MY DREAMS ♪
♪ YOU CAN LEGALIZE YOUR LOWS ♪
♪ YOU CAN WEAR

♪ YOU CAN LEGALIZE YOUR LOWS ♪
♪ YOU CAN WEAR
YOUR SUMMER CLOTHES

♪ YOU CAN WEAR
YOUR SUMMER CLOTHES
DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS ♪

YOUR SUMMER CLOTHES
DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS ♪
♪ WHEN I LAY

DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS ♪
♪ WHEN I LAY
MY BURDEN DOWN ♪

♪ WHEN I LAY
MY BURDEN DOWN ♪
♪ REST MY HEAD UPON THAT SHORE ♪

MY BURDEN DOWN ♪
♪ REST MY HEAD UPON THAT SHORE ♪
♪ AND WHEN I WEAR

♪ REST MY HEAD UPON THAT SHORE ♪
♪ AND WHEN I WEAR
MY STARRY CROWN,

♪ AND WHEN I WEAR
MY STARRY CROWN,
I WON'T WANT

MY STARRY CROWN,
I WON'T WANT
FOR NOTHING ANYMORE ♪

I WON'T WANT
FOR NOTHING ANYMORE ♪
[♪...]

FOR NOTHING ANYMORE ♪
[♪...]
♪ TAKE YOUR BURDENS

[♪...]
♪ TAKE YOUR BURDENS
TO THE... ♪

♪ TAKE YOUR BURDENS
TO THE... ♪
♪ MARDI GRAS ♪

TO THE... ♪
♪ MARDI GRAS ♪
♪ LET THE MUSIC

♪ MARDI GRAS ♪
♪ LET THE MUSIC
WASH YOUR SOUL ♪

♪ LET THE MUSIC
WASH YOUR SOUL ♪
♪ YOU CAN MINGLE IN THE STREET ♪

WASH YOUR SOUL ♪
♪ YOU CAN MINGLE IN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN JINGLE

♪ YOU CAN MINGLE IN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN JINGLE
TO THE BEAT OF... ♪

♪ YOU CAN JINGLE
TO THE BEAT OF... ♪
♪ JELLY ROLL, OOH ♪

TO THE BEAT OF... ♪
♪ JELLY ROLL, OOH ♪
♪ TUMBA, TUMBA, TUMBA,

♪ JELLY ROLL, OOH ♪
♪ TUMBA, TUMBA, TUMBA,
MARDI GRAS ♪

♪ TUMBA, TUMBA, TUMBA,
MARDI GRAS ♪
♪ TUMBA, TUMBA, TUMBA, DAY ♪

MARDI GRAS ♪
♪ TUMBA, TUMBA, TUMBA, DAY ♪
♪ HEY... HEY... ♪

♪ TUMBA, TUMBA, TUMBA, DAY ♪
♪ HEY... HEY... ♪
♪ HEY... ♪

♪ HEY... HEY... ♪
♪ HEY... ♪
♪ MARDI GRAS. ♪

♪ HEY... ♪
♪ MARDI GRAS. ♪
[♪...]

[♪...]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC ENDS]

Announcer: AND NOW,
"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS BILL

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS BILL
MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS BILL
MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
IT'S OFFICIAL!

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:
IT'S OFFICIAL!
GERALD FORD WILL NOT BE A

IT'S OFFICIAL!
GERALD FORD WILL NOT BE A
CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT

GERALD FORD WILL NOT BE A
CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT
THIS YEAR.

CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT
THIS YEAR.
ANNOUNCING HIS DECISION AT A

THIS YEAR.
ANNOUNCING HIS DECISION AT A
PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY, MR.

ANNOUNCING HIS DECISION AT A
PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY, MR.
FORD SAID, QUOTE, "I BELIEVE

PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY, MR.
FORD SAID, QUOTE, "I BELIEVE
THAT THIS COUNTRY IS IN VERY

FORD SAID, QUOTE, "I BELIEVE
THAT THIS COUNTRY IS IN VERY
GRAVE DANGER, BOTH AT HOME AND

THAT THIS COUNTRY IS IN VERY
GRAVE DANGER, BOTH AT HOME AND
ABROAD, AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT

GRAVE DANGER, BOTH AT HOME AND
ABROAD, AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT
I AM SIMPLY TOO STUPID

ABROAD, AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT
I AM SIMPLY TOO STUPID
AND INEPT TO DEAL WITH

I AM SIMPLY TOO STUPID
AND INEPT TO DEAL WITH
THE PROBLEMS WE FACE,"

AND INEPT TO DEAL WITH
THE PROBLEMS WE FACE,"
END QUOTE.

THE PROBLEMS WE FACE,"
END QUOTE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

END QUOTE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DR. HERMAN TARNOWER, CREATOR

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DR. HERMAN TARNOWER, CREATOR
OF THE FAMOUS SCARSDALE DIET

DR. HERMAN TARNOWER, CREATOR
OF THE FAMOUS SCARSDALE DIET
WAS BURIED YESTERDAY AFTER

OF THE FAMOUS SCARSDALE DIET
WAS BURIED YESTERDAY AFTER
BEING SHOT TO DEATH BY HIS

WAS BURIED YESTERDAY AFTER
BEING SHOT TO DEATH BY HIS
LOVER, MRS. JEAN HARRIS

BEING SHOT TO DEATH BY HIS
LOVER, MRS. JEAN HARRIS
OF VIRGINIA.

LOVER, MRS. JEAN HARRIS
OF VIRGINIA.
THE FUNERAL WAS A TESTIMONIAL

OF VIRGINIA.
THE FUNERAL WAS A TESTIMONIAL
TO THE SUCCESS OF DR. TARNOWER'S

THE FUNERAL WAS A TESTIMONIAL
TO THE SUCCESS OF DR. TARNOWER'S
WEIGHT LOSS PLAN, THE CASKET

TO THE SUCCESS OF DR. TARNOWER'S
WEIGHT LOSS PLAN, THE CASKET
BEING CARRIED BY ONE PALLBEARER

WEIGHT LOSS PLAN, THE CASKET
BEING CARRIED BY ONE PALLBEARER
AND FIVE HELIUM BALLOONS. BILL?

BEING CARRIED BY ONE PALLBEARER
AND FIVE HELIUM BALLOONS. BILL?
DOCTORS ATTENDING THE GRAVELY

AND FIVE HELIUM BALLOONS. BILL?
DOCTORS ATTENDING THE GRAVELY
ILL MARSHAL TITO NOW SAY

DOCTORS ATTENDING THE GRAVELY
ILL MARSHAL TITO NOW SAY
THAT THE IF THE YUGOSLAVIAN

ILL MARSHAL TITO NOW SAY
THAT THE IF THE YUGOSLAVIAN
LEADER SHOWS ENOUGH IMPROVEMENT,

THAT THE IF THE YUGOSLAVIAN
LEADER SHOWS ENOUGH IMPROVEMENT,
THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO DECLARE

LEADER SHOWS ENOUGH IMPROVEMENT,
THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO DECLARE
HIM DEAD BY TUESDAY.

THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO DECLARE
HIM DEAD BY TUESDAY.
YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT CARTER

HIM DEAD BY TUESDAY.
YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT CARTER
UNVEILED HIS NEW ANTI-INFLATION

YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT CARTER
UNVEILED HIS NEW ANTI-INFLATION
PROGRAM WHICH REPLACES HIS OLD

UNVEILED HIS NEW ANTI-INFLATION
PROGRAM WHICH REPLACES HIS OLD
ANTI-INFLATION PROGRAM WHICH

PROGRAM WHICH REPLACES HIS OLD
ANTI-INFLATION PROGRAM WHICH
BECAME OBSOLETE IN LESS

ANTI-INFLATION PROGRAM WHICH
BECAME OBSOLETE IN LESS
THAN 90 DAYS.

BECAME OBSOLETE IN LESS
THAN 90 DAYS.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THE STATE

THAN 90 DAYS.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THE STATE
OF THE NATION'S ECONOMY IS

HERE TO COMMENT ON THE STATE
OF THE NATION'S ECONOMY IS
RALPH "THE BOSS" NADER.

OF THE NATION'S ECONOMY IS
RALPH "THE BOSS" NADER.
[APPLAUSE]

TODAY MARKS THE 4,621st DAY

THAT EXXON HAS HELD

AMERICA HOSTAGE.

THE GIANT OIL COMPANY SAID
IT WOULD EXCHANGE ITS HOSTAGE
ONLY FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF

IT WOULD EXCHANGE ITS HOSTAGE
ONLY FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF
ENERGY AND THE U.S. TREASURY.

ONLY FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF
ENERGY AND THE U.S. TREASURY.
IN ONE MONTH, ON APRIL 17th,

ENERGY AND THE U.S. TREASURY.
IN ONE MONTH, ON APRIL 17th,
A LARGE COALITION OF CONSUMER,

IN ONE MONTH, ON APRIL 17th,
A LARGE COALITION OF CONSUMER,
RELIGIOUS AND LABOR GROUPS

A LARGE COALITION OF CONSUMER,
RELIGIOUS AND LABOR GROUPS
ARE CONDUCTING AN EVENT CALLED

RELIGIOUS AND LABOR GROUPS
ARE CONDUCTING AN EVENT CALLED
BIG BUSINESS DAY.

ARE CONDUCTING AN EVENT CALLED
BIG BUSINESS DAY.
BIG BUSINESSMEN HAVE SAID,

BIG BUSINESS DAY.
BIG BUSINESSMEN HAVE SAID,
"WE INTEND ONLY

BIG BUSINESSMEN HAVE SAID,
"WE INTEND ONLY
TO CRITICIZE THEM?

"WE INTEND ONLY
TO CRITICIZE THEM?
NOT AT ALL, WE JUST WANT TO

TO CRITICIZE THEM?
NOT AT ALL, WE JUST WANT TO
THANK THOSE WHO DESERVE IT.

NOT AT ALL, WE JUST WANT TO
THANK THOSE WHO DESERVE IT.
I WANT TO THANK THE CHAIRMAN

THANK THOSE WHO DESERVE IT.
I WANT TO THANK THE CHAIRMAN
OF GENERAL MOTORS FOR BRAVELY

I WANT TO THANK THE CHAIRMAN
OF GENERAL MOTORS FOR BRAVELY
INSISTING THAT THE GOVERNMENT

OF GENERAL MOTORS FOR BRAVELY
INSISTING THAT THE GOVERNMENT
GET OFF THE BACK OF INDUSTRY,"

INSISTING THAT THE GOVERNMENT
GET OFF THE BACK OF INDUSTRY,"
AS HE STEPPED INTO HIS FORD

GET OFF THE BACK OF INDUSTRY,"
AS HE STEPPED INTO HIS FORD
PINTO WITH WITH THE FIRESTONE

AS HE STEPPED INTO HIS FORD
PINTO WITH WITH THE FIRESTONE
500s EN ROUTE TO GIVE A SPEECH

PINTO WITH WITH THE FIRESTONE
500s EN ROUTE TO GIVE A SPEECH
TO THE LOVE CANAL HOMEOWNERS

500s EN ROUTE TO GIVE A SPEECH
TO THE LOVE CANAL HOMEOWNERS
ASSOCIATION ON THE TOPIC

TO THE LOVE CANAL HOMEOWNERS
ASSOCIATION ON THE TOPIC
"WITHOUT CHEMICALS, LIFE ITSELF

ASSOCIATION ON THE TOPIC
"WITHOUT CHEMICALS, LIFE ITSELF
WOULD HAVE NO ADVENTURE."

"WITHOUT CHEMICALS, LIFE ITSELF
WOULD HAVE NO ADVENTURE."
I ALSO WANT TO THANK BIG

WOULD HAVE NO ADVENTURE."
I ALSO WANT TO THANK BIG
BUSINESS GENERALLY BECAUSE

I ALSO WANT TO THANK BIG
BUSINESS GENERALLY BECAUSE
THEY REGARD THE TRUTH SO HIGHLY

BUSINESS GENERALLY BECAUSE
THEY REGARD THE TRUTH SO HIGHLY
THAT THEY ENGAGE

THEY REGARD THE TRUTH SO HIGHLY
THAT THEY ENGAGE
IN IT SPARINGLY.

THAT THEY ENGAGE
IN IT SPARINGLY.
I WANT TO THANK THE OIL

IN IT SPARINGLY.
I WANT TO THANK THE OIL
COMPANIES FOR THEIR VERY

I WANT TO THANK THE OIL
COMPANIES FOR THEIR VERY
INFORMATIVE ADS ON THE SUNDAY

COMPANIES FOR THEIR VERY
INFORMATIVE ADS ON THE SUNDAY
OP-ED PAGES.

INFORMATIVE ADS ON THE SUNDAY
OP-ED PAGES.
INDEED, MOBILE OIL TRIED

OP-ED PAGES.
INDEED, MOBILE OIL TRIED
SUCCESSFULLY... RATHER,

INDEED, MOBILE OIL TRIED
SUCCESSFULLY... RATHER,
UNSUCCESSFULLY... TO BUY THE

SUCCESSFULLY... RATHER,
UNSUCCESSFULLY... TO BUY THE
LONG ISLAND PRESS AND THE

UNSUCCESSFULLY... TO BUY THE
LONG ISLAND PRESS AND THE
WASHINGTON STAR.

LONG ISLAND PRESS AND THE
WASHINGTON STAR.
I THINK THEY SHOULD BUY

WASHINGTON STAR.
I THINK THEY SHOULD BUY
A PUBLICATION MORE CONSISTENT

I THINK THEY SHOULD BUY
A PUBLICATION MORE CONSISTENT
WITH THEIR IMAGE, LIKE

A PUBLICATION MORE CONSISTENT
WITH THEIR IMAGE, LIKE
SCREW MAGAZINE.

WITH THEIR IMAGE, LIKE
SCREW MAGAZINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SCREW MAGAZINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU HOW TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU HOW TO
BEAT INFLATION.

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU HOW TO
BEAT INFLATION.
HERE'S MY THREE-POINT PROGRAM:

BEAT INFLATION.
HERE'S MY THREE-POINT PROGRAM:
DON'T BUY WHAT YOU DON'T WANT,

HERE'S MY THREE-POINT PROGRAM:
DON'T BUY WHAT YOU DON'T WANT,
DON'T BUY WHAT YOU DON'T NEED,

DON'T BUY WHAT YOU DON'T WANT,
DON'T BUY WHAT YOU DON'T NEED,
AND THREE, DON'T BUY THINGS

DON'T BUY WHAT YOU DON'T NEED,
AND THREE, DON'T BUY THINGS
THAT DON'T WORK.

AND THREE, DON'T BUY THINGS
THAT DON'T WORK.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU DON'T WANT

THAT DON'T WORK.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU DON'T WANT
HOT DOGS UNLESS YOU'RE INTO

FOR EXAMPLE, YOU DON'T WANT
HOT DOGS UNLESS YOU'RE INTO
FAT AND RODENT EXCREMENT.

HOT DOGS UNLESS YOU'RE INTO
FAT AND RODENT EXCREMENT.
YOU DON'T NEED CANDY PASSING

FAT AND RODENT EXCREMENT.
YOU DON'T NEED CANDY PASSING
FOR BREAKFAST CEREAL, AND WHY

YOU DON'T NEED CANDY PASSING
FOR BREAKFAST CEREAL, AND WHY
PAY FOR PAINKILLERS AND COLD

FOR BREAKFAST CEREAL, AND WHY
PAY FOR PAINKILLERS AND COLD
RELIEVERS THAT DON'T WORK?

PAY FOR PAINKILLERS AND COLD
RELIEVERS THAT DON'T WORK?
IF ALL THIS IS TOO DEPRESSING,

RELIEVERS THAT DON'T WORK?
IF ALL THIS IS TOO DEPRESSING,
LET ME RELAY AN

IF ALL THIS IS TOO DEPRESSING,
LET ME RELAY AN
INSPIRATIONAL STORY.

LET ME RELAY AN
INSPIRATIONAL STORY.
EVEN THE BIG COMPANIES CAN

INSPIRATIONAL STORY.
EVEN THE BIG COMPANIES CAN
HAVE A SOFT SPOT.

EVEN THE BIG COMPANIES CAN
HAVE A SOFT SPOT.
CONSIDER THE FORD MOTOR COMPANY

HAVE A SOFT SPOT.
CONSIDER THE FORD MOTOR COMPANY
IN ITS RECENT TRIAL FOR

CONSIDER THE FORD MOTOR COMPANY
IN ITS RECENT TRIAL FOR
MANSLAUGHTER FOLLOWING

IN ITS RECENT TRIAL FOR
MANSLAUGHTER FOLLOWING
THE DEATHS OF THREE PEOPLE IN

MANSLAUGHTER FOLLOWING
THE DEATHS OF THREE PEOPLE IN
A FLAMING PINTO.

THE DEATHS OF THREE PEOPLE IN
A FLAMING PINTO.
AFTER THE JUDGE, HAROLD

A FLAMING PINTO.
AFTER THE JUDGE, HAROLD
STAFFELT, GAVE FORD A FEW

AFTER THE JUDGE, HAROLD
STAFFELT, GAVE FORD A FEW
BREAKS, LIKE EXCLUDING CERTAIN

STAFFELT, GAVE FORD A FEW
BREAKS, LIKE EXCLUDING CERTAIN
DAMAGING EVIDENCE, FORD SENT

BREAKS, LIKE EXCLUDING CERTAIN
DAMAGING EVIDENCE, FORD SENT
THE JUDGE ONE OF THESE LOVELY

DAMAGING EVIDENCE, FORD SENT
THE JUDGE ONE OF THESE LOVELY
LITTLE SCALE MODEL PINTOS.

THE JUDGE ONE OF THESE LOVELY
LITTLE SCALE MODEL PINTOS.
IT'S A FAITHFUL REPRODUCTION

LITTLE SCALE MODEL PINTOS.
IT'S A FAITHFUL REPRODUCTION
OF A PINTO, AND IT'S ACCURATE

IT'S A FAITHFUL REPRODUCTION
OF A PINTO, AND IT'S ACCURATE
IN EVERY DETAIL, WHICH IS

OF A PINTO, AND IT'S ACCURATE
IN EVERY DETAIL, WHICH IS
VERY CONVENIENT, SINCE IT ALSO

IN EVERY DETAIL, WHICH IS
VERY CONVENIENT, SINCE IT ALSO
SERVES AS A TABLE LIGHTER.

VERY CONVENIENT, SINCE IT ALSO
SERVES AS A TABLE LIGHTER.
[APPLAUSE]

SERVES AS A TABLE LIGHTER.
[APPLAUSE]
SORT OF HEART-WARMING, ISN'T IT?

[APPLAUSE]
SORT OF HEART-WARMING, ISN'T IT?
THANK YOU.

SORT OF HEART-WARMING, ISN'T IT?
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS FOR WHIPPING ON THE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS FOR WHIPPING ON THE
FAT CATS FOR US, RALPH.

THANKS FOR WHIPPING ON THE
FAT CATS FOR US, RALPH.
THANK YOU. JANE?

FAT CATS FOR US, RALPH.
THANK YOU. JANE?
YES, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR

THANK YOU. JANE?
YES, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR
AGAIN: THE ANNUAL NEWFOUNDLAND

YES, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR
AGAIN: THE ANNUAL NEWFOUNDLAND
HARP SEAL SLAUGHTER IS UNDERWAY,

AGAIN: THE ANNUAL NEWFOUNDLAND
HARP SEAL SLAUGHTER IS UNDERWAY,
BUT THIS YEAR, NO ONE

HARP SEAL SLAUGHTER IS UNDERWAY,
BUT THIS YEAR, NO ONE
SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

BUT THIS YEAR, NO ONE
SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.
A CANADIAN NATURALIST AND SEAL

SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.
A CANADIAN NATURALIST AND SEAL
EXPORT REPORTS THAT THE BABY

A CANADIAN NATURALIST AND SEAL
EXPORT REPORTS THAT THE BABY
HARP SEAL IS A VICIOUS LITTLE

EXPORT REPORTS THAT THE BABY
HARP SEAL IS A VICIOUS LITTLE
ANIMAL THAT DESPISES HUMAN

HARP SEAL IS A VICIOUS LITTLE
ANIMAL THAT DESPISES HUMAN
BEINGS, LIES, CHEATS, CARRIES

ANIMAL THAT DESPISES HUMAN
BEINGS, LIES, CHEATS, CARRIES
A GUN AND HAS BAD BREATH.

BEINGS, LIES, CHEATS, CARRIES
A GUN AND HAS BAD BREATH.
IT IS ALSO MASOCHISTIC AND LOVES

A GUN AND HAS BAD BREATH.
IT IS ALSO MASOCHISTIC AND LOVES
TO BE CLUBBED ON THE HEAD

IT IS ALSO MASOCHISTIC AND LOVES
TO BE CLUBBED ON THE HEAD
BY NORWEGIANS.

TO BE CLUBBED ON THE HEAD
BY NORWEGIANS.
180,000 OF THE BEASTS SHOULD

BY NORWEGIANS.
180,000 OF THE BEASTS SHOULD
GET IT THIS SEASON, AND, WE SAY,

180,000 OF THE BEASTS SHOULD
GET IT THIS SEASON, AND, WE SAY,
GOOD RIDDANCE!

GET IT THIS SEASON, AND, WE SAY,
GOOD RIDDANCE!
WALTER CRONKITE WAS ATTACKED

GOOD RIDDANCE!
WALTER CRONKITE WAS ATTACKED
BY A SWARM OF MALAYSIAN

WALTER CRONKITE WAS ATTACKED
BY A SWARM OF MALAYSIAN
BUTTERFLIES IN HIS APARTMENT

BY A SWARM OF MALAYSIAN
BUTTERFLIES IN HIS APARTMENT
LAST NIGHT.

BUTTERFLIES IN HIS APARTMENT
LAST NIGHT.
THE BUTTERFLIES BEAT WALTER

LAST NIGHT.
THE BUTTERFLIES BEAT WALTER
SENSELESS WITH THEIR FLAPPING

THE BUTTERFLIES BEAT WALTER
SENSELESS WITH THEIR FLAPPING
WINGS, AND THEN MADE

SENSELESS WITH THEIR FLAPPING
WINGS, AND THEN MADE
THEIR ESCAPE DOWN AN

WINGS, AND THEN MADE
THEIR ESCAPE DOWN AN
AIR-CONDITIONING DUCT.

THEIR ESCAPE DOWN AN
AIR-CONDITIONING DUCT.
WALTER WAS THEN TAKEN TO

AIR-CONDITIONING DUCT.
WALTER WAS THEN TAKEN TO
A NEARBY HOSPITAL.

WALTER WAS THEN TAKEN TO
A NEARBY HOSPITAL.
JANE?

A NEARBY HOSPITAL.
JANE?
THAT'S NOT... TRUE, NOW, IS IT?

JANE?
THAT'S NOT... TRUE, NOW, IS IT?
YEAH, YEAH, IT IS!

THAT'S NOT... TRUE, NOW, IS IT?
YEAH, YEAH, IT IS!
IT JUST CAME OVER THE WIRE A

YEAH, YEAH, IT IS!
IT JUST CAME OVER THE WIRE A
COUPLE SECONDS AGO, YEAH!

IT JUST CAME OVER THE WIRE A
COUPLE SECONDS AGO, YEAH!
JANE, COME ON, NOW.

COUPLE SECONDS AGO, YEAH!
JANE, COME ON, NOW.
OK, BILL.

JANE, COME ON, NOW.
OK, BILL.
I JUST THOUGHT THAT

OK, BILL.
I JUST THOUGHT THAT
HE MIGHT GET KIND OF MAD AND

I JUST THOUGHT THAT
HE MIGHT GET KIND OF MAD AND
CALL UP AND THEN MAYBE WE COULD

HE MIGHT GET KIND OF MAD AND
CALL UP AND THEN MAYBE WE COULD
TALK TO HIM AND THEN HE MIGHT

CALL UP AND THEN MAYBE WE COULD
TALK TO HIM AND THEN HE MIGHT
ASK TO SEE ME, AND YOU KNOW...

TALK TO HIM AND THEN HE MIGHT
ASK TO SEE ME, AND YOU KNOW...
YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET

ASK TO SEE ME, AND YOU KNOW...
YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET
INTO THAT OLD GEEZER'S PANTS,

YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET
INTO THAT OLD GEEZER'S PANTS,
WON'T YOU?

INTO THAT OLD GEEZER'S PANTS,
WON'T YOU?
[LAUGHTER]

WON'T YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
THIS JUST IN: BLACK PEOPLE IN

[LAUGHTER]
THIS JUST IN: BLACK PEOPLE IN
THE UNITED STATES HAVE A LOWER

THIS JUST IN: BLACK PEOPLE IN
THE UNITED STATES HAVE A LOWER
STANDARD OF LIVING THAN WHITES.

THE UNITED STATES HAVE A LOWER
STANDARD OF LIVING THAN WHITES.
MORE ON THIS AS

STANDARD OF LIVING THAN WHITES.
MORE ON THIS AS
THE SITUATION CHANGES.

MORE ON THIS AS
THE SITUATION CHANGES.
WELL, IT'S DAY 132

THE SITUATION CHANGES.
WELL, IT'S DAY 132
OF THE HOSTAGES' CAPTIVITY

WELL, IT'S DAY 132
OF THE HOSTAGES' CAPTIVITY
IN IRAN, AND WE AT "WEEKEND

OF THE HOSTAGES' CAPTIVITY
IN IRAN, AND WE AT "WEEKEND
UPDATE" ARE GETTING REAL SICK OF

IN IRAN, AND WE AT "WEEKEND
UPDATE" ARE GETTING REAL SICK OF
HAVING TO LOOK AT THIS FACE.

UPDATE" ARE GETTING REAL SICK OF
HAVING TO LOOK AT THIS FACE.
IT'S A FACE THAT'S SO SEVERE, IT

HAVING TO LOOK AT THIS FACE.
IT'S A FACE THAT'S SO SEVERE, IT
COULD STOP CLOCKS, MAKE BABIES

IT'S A FACE THAT'S SO SEVERE, IT
COULD STOP CLOCKS, MAKE BABIES
CRY, AND SCARE DOGS OFF THE BACK

COULD STOP CLOCKS, MAKE BABIES
CRY, AND SCARE DOGS OFF THE BACK
OF A MEAT TRUCK.

CRY, AND SCARE DOGS OFF THE BACK
OF A MEAT TRUCK.
THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI, WHO HAS

OF A MEAT TRUCK.
THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI, WHO HAS
RECENTLY TAKEN A LOT OF RAZZING,

THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI, WHO HAS
RECENTLY TAKEN A LOT OF RAZZING,
IS DOWN IN THE DUMPS.

RECENTLY TAKEN A LOT OF RAZZING,
IS DOWN IN THE DUMPS.
HE'S COMPLAINING THAT THE WHOLE

IS DOWN IN THE DUMPS.
HE'S COMPLAINING THAT THE WHOLE
HOSTAGE THING IS MAKING HIM

HE'S COMPLAINING THAT THE WHOLE
HOSTAGE THING IS MAKING HIM
LOOK BAD.

HOSTAGE THING IS MAKING HIM
LOOK BAD.
PRESIDENT BANI SADR OF IRAN

LOOK BAD.
PRESIDENT BANI SADR OF IRAN
HAS SUGGESTED TO THE DEPRESSED

PRESIDENT BANI SADR OF IRAN
HAS SUGGESTED TO THE DEPRESSED
AYATOLLAH THAT HE MIGHT FEEL

HAS SUGGESTED TO THE DEPRESSED
AYATOLLAH THAT HE MIGHT FEEL
BETTER IF HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT

AYATOLLAH THAT HE MIGHT FEEL
BETTER IF HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT
HIMSELF A NEW HAT.

BETTER IF HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT
HIMSELF A NEW HAT.
SO, A FEW DAYS AGO, KHOMEINI,

HIMSELF A NEW HAT.
SO, A FEW DAYS AGO, KHOMEINI,
UNBEKNOWNST TO OTHERS, SLIPPED

SO, A FEW DAYS AGO, KHOMEINI,
UNBEKNOWNST TO OTHERS, SLIPPED
OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND HEADED

UNBEKNOWNST TO OTHERS, SLIPPED
OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND HEADED
STRAIGHT TO PARIS WHERE HE WENT

OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND HEADED
STRAIGHT TO PARIS WHERE HE WENT
ON A MADCAP HAT-BUYING SPREE.

STRAIGHT TO PARIS WHERE HE WENT
ON A MADCAP HAT-BUYING SPREE.
AT FIRST, THE AYATOLLAH

ON A MADCAP HAT-BUYING SPREE.
AT FIRST, THE AYATOLLAH
JUST DROVE THE SALESMEN CRAZY

AT FIRST, THE AYATOLLAH
JUST DROVE THE SALESMEN CRAZY
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T DECIDE WHICH

JUST DROVE THE SALESMEN CRAZY
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T DECIDE WHICH
HAT WOULD SAY, "HEY, I'M A FUN

BECAUSE HE COULDN'T DECIDE WHICH
HAT WOULD SAY, "HEY, I'M A FUN
GUY JUST LIKE YOU."

HAT WOULD SAY, "HEY, I'M A FUN
GUY JUST LIKE YOU."
HE TRIED ON LOTS OF, LOTS OF

GUY JUST LIKE YOU."
HE TRIED ON LOTS OF, LOTS OF
WONDERFUL HATS OF LOTS

HE TRIED ON LOTS OF, LOTS OF
WONDERFUL HATS OF LOTS
OF FUN CHARACTERS AND, UH,

WONDERFUL HATS OF LOTS
OF FUN CHARACTERS AND, UH,
HE WENT FOR THE DAVY CROCKETT

OF FUN CHARACTERS AND, UH,
HE WENT FOR THE DAVY CROCKETT
THING... DID NOT WORK.

HE WENT FOR THE DAVY CROCKETT
THING... DID NOT WORK.
THEN HE TRIED THE, YOU KNOW,

THING... DID NOT WORK.
THEN HE TRIED THE, YOU KNOW,
THE OL' JOLLY ST. NICHOLAS

THEN HE TRIED THE, YOU KNOW,
THE OL' JOLLY ST. NICHOLAS
BUSINESS... DIDN'T WORK.

THE OL' JOLLY ST. NICHOLAS
BUSINESS... DIDN'T WORK.
HE WENT FOR POPEYE.

BUSINESS... DIDN'T WORK.
HE WENT FOR POPEYE.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.

HE WENT FOR POPEYE.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
DIDN'T WORK.

OUT OF THE QUESTION.
DIDN'T WORK.
THEN HE THOUGHT HE'D REALLY GET

DIDN'T WORK.
THEN HE THOUGHT HE'D REALLY GET
DOWN AND FUNKY...

THEN HE THOUGHT HE'D REALLY GET
DOWN AND FUNKY...
HE WENT FOR THE WHOLE

DOWN AND FUNKY...
HE WENT FOR THE WHOLE
JAKE AND ELWOOD ROUTINE...

HE WENT FOR THE WHOLE
JAKE AND ELWOOD ROUTINE...
BLUES BROTHERS... DIDN'T WORK

JAKE AND ELWOOD ROUTINE...
BLUES BROTHERS... DIDN'T WORK
AT ALL.

BLUES BROTHERS... DIDN'T WORK
AT ALL.
THEN HE TRIED A SORT OF

AT ALL.
THEN HE TRIED A SORT OF
RON O'NEAL SUPERFLY KIND

THEN HE TRIED A SORT OF
RON O'NEAL SUPERFLY KIND
OF LOOK... THIS DID NOT WORK.

RON O'NEAL SUPERFLY KIND
OF LOOK... THIS DID NOT WORK.
[LAUGHS] THEN HE TRIED BELLA

OF LOOK... THIS DID NOT WORK.
[LAUGHS] THEN HE TRIED BELLA
ABZUG AS A LAST RESORT.

[LAUGHS] THEN HE TRIED BELLA
ABZUG AS A LAST RESORT.
EVEN BELLA CAN'T

ABZUG AS A LAST RESORT.
EVEN BELLA CAN'T
PULL THIS ONE OFF.

EVEN BELLA CAN'T
PULL THIS ONE OFF.
I MEAN, I GOTTA SAY TO YOU:

PULL THIS ONE OFF.
I MEAN, I GOTTA SAY TO YOU:
AYATOLLAH, I MEAN, IF YOU WANNA

I MEAN, I GOTTA SAY TO YOU:
AYATOLLAH, I MEAN, IF YOU WANNA
GO, IF YOU WANNA GET LOONY... I

AYATOLLAH, I MEAN, IF YOU WANNA
GO, IF YOU WANNA GET LOONY... I
KNOW YOU, YOU'RE A NUT... IF YOU

GO, IF YOU WANNA GET LOONY... I
KNOW YOU, YOU'RE A NUT... IF YOU
WANNA GO, YOU KNOW, GO FESTIVE,

KNOW YOU, YOU'RE A NUT... IF YOU
WANNA GO, YOU KNOW, GO FESTIVE,
I MEAN, LET LOOSE THE PARTY

WANNA GO, YOU KNOW, GO FESTIVE,
I MEAN, LET LOOSE THE PARTY
ANIMAL WITHIN YOU, OK?

I MEAN, LET LOOSE THE PARTY
ANIMAL WITHIN YOU, OK?
GO COMPLETELY NUTS, YOU MANIAC.

ANIMAL WITHIN YOU, OK?
GO COMPLETELY NUTS, YOU MANIAC.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE,

GO COMPLETELY NUTS, YOU MANIAC.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU CRAZY KHOMEINIAC!

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU CRAZY KHOMEINIAC!
GET OUTTA HERE!

YOU CRAZY KHOMEINIAC!
GET OUTTA HERE!
[APPLAUSE]

GET OUTTA HERE!
[APPLAUSE]
JANE?

[APPLAUSE]
JANE?
BY A STRANGE ACT OF THE UTAH

JANE?
BY A STRANGE ACT OF THE UTAH
STATE LEGISLATURE, ALL UTAH

BY A STRANGE ACT OF THE UTAH
STATE LEGISLATURE, ALL UTAH
WAS CONDEMNED TO FACE

STATE LEGISLATURE, ALL UTAH
WAS CONDEMNED TO FACE
A FIRING SQUAD THIS WEEK.

WAS CONDEMNED TO FACE
A FIRING SQUAD THIS WEEK.
YESTERDAY, HOWEVER, THE PLAN

A FIRING SQUAD THIS WEEK.
YESTERDAY, HOWEVER, THE PLAN
WAS ABANDONED WHEN OFFICIALS

YESTERDAY, HOWEVER, THE PLAN
WAS ABANDONED WHEN OFFICIALS
DISCOVERED THAT THEY DIDN'T

WAS ABANDONED WHEN OFFICIALS
DISCOVERED THAT THEY DIDN'T
HAVE ENOUGH AMMUNITION TO GET

DISCOVERED THAT THEY DIDN'T
HAVE ENOUGH AMMUNITION TO GET
THROUGH THE OSMOND FAMILY.

HAVE ENOUGH AMMUNITION TO GET
THROUGH THE OSMOND FAMILY.
SCIENTISTS CLAIM THAT THE

THROUGH THE OSMOND FAMILY.
SCIENTISTS CLAIM THAT THE
INCREASE OF RADIOACTIVITY IN THE

SCIENTISTS CLAIM THAT THE
INCREASE OF RADIOACTIVITY IN THE
ENVIRONMENT CAN ADVERSELY AFFECT

INCREASE OF RADIOACTIVITY IN THE
ENVIRONMENT CAN ADVERSELY AFFECT
COWS AND THE MILK THEY GIVE.

ENVIRONMENT CAN ADVERSELY AFFECT
COWS AND THE MILK THEY GIVE.
BECAUSE OF THIS, MORE PREGNANT

COWS AND THE MILK THEY GIVE.
BECAUSE OF THIS, MORE PREGNANT
WOMEN ARE CHOOSING TO BREASTFEED

BECAUSE OF THIS, MORE PREGNANT
WOMEN ARE CHOOSING TO BREASTFEED
THEIR INFANTS.

WOMEN ARE CHOOSING TO BREASTFEED
THEIR INFANTS.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS,

THEIR INFANTS.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS,
IS CORRESPONDENT

HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS,
IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.

IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT, JANE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT, JANE!
THANKS A LOT!

THANKS A LOT, JANE!
THANKS A LOT!
A MRS. RICHARD FEDER

THANKS A LOT!
A MRS. RICHARD FEDER
OF FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY,

A MRS. RICHARD FEDER
OF FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY,
WRITES IN AND SAYS,

OF FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY,
WRITES IN AND SAYS,
"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

WRITES IN AND SAYS,
"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
I WANT TO BREASTFEED MY BABY,

"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
I WANT TO BREASTFEED MY BABY,
BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU DO IT.

I WANT TO BREASTFEED MY BABY,
BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU DO IT.
WHICH BREAST DO I USE?

BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU DO IT.
WHICH BREAST DO I USE?
HOW DO I GET THE MILK TO BE

WHICH BREAST DO I USE?
HOW DO I GET THE MILK TO BE
THE RIGHT TEMPERATURE?

HOW DO I GET THE MILK TO BE
THE RIGHT TEMPERATURE?
WILL I HAVE TO HEAT UP

THE RIGHT TEMPERATURE?
WILL I HAVE TO HEAT UP
MY BREAST?

WILL I HAVE TO HEAT UP
MY BREAST?
DO I HAVE TO STERILIZE

MY BREAST?
DO I HAVE TO STERILIZE
MY NIPPLE?

DO I HAVE TO STERILIZE
MY NIPPLE?
WHEN I'M DONE, DO I HAVE

MY NIPPLE?
WHEN I'M DONE, DO I HAVE
TO PUT MY BREAST BACK IN

WHEN I'M DONE, DO I HAVE
TO PUT MY BREAST BACK IN
THE REFRIGERATOR?

TO PUT MY BREAST BACK IN
THE REFRIGERATOR?
AND IF I ATE A HERSHEY BAR, WILL

THE REFRIGERATOR?
AND IF I ATE A HERSHEY BAR, WILL
MY BREAST MAKE CHOCOLATE MILK?"

AND IF I ATE A HERSHEY BAR, WILL
MY BREAST MAKE CHOCOLATE MILK?"
[LAUGHTER]

MY BREAST MAKE CHOCOLATE MILK?"
[LAUGHTER]
MRS. FEDER,

[LAUGHTER]
MRS. FEDER,
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS

MRS. FEDER,
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS
POSSIBLE, BUT YOU'RE JUST AS

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS
POSSIBLE, BUT YOU'RE JUST AS
STUPID AS YOUR HUSBAND.

POSSIBLE, BUT YOU'RE JUST AS
STUPID AS YOUR HUSBAND.
BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT

STUPID AS YOUR HUSBAND.
BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING, 'CAUSE I,

BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING, 'CAUSE I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,

YOU'RE THINKING, 'CAUSE I,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
WAS A BREASTFED BABY.

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
WAS A BREASTFED BABY.
IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, A TEENY,

WAS A BREASTFED BABY.
IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, A TEENY,
TINY, INFANT ROSEANNE

IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, A TEENY,
TINY, INFANT ROSEANNE
ROSEANNADANNA, CUTE AS A LITTLE

TINY, INFANT ROSEANNE
ROSEANNADANNA, CUTE AS A LITTLE
DOLL, BEING HELD CLOSE TO HER

ROSEANNADANNA, CUTE AS A LITTLE
DOLL, BEING HELD CLOSE TO HER
MAMA'S BOSOM, SUCKING AWAY

DOLL, BEING HELD CLOSE TO HER
MAMA'S BOSOM, SUCKING AWAY
LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

MAMA'S BOSOM, SUCKING AWAY
LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.
[MAKES SUCKING NOISE]

LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.
[MAKES SUCKING NOISE]
IT'S NATURAL, AND I LOVE

[MAKES SUCKING NOISE]
IT'S NATURAL, AND I LOVE
STUFF THAT'S NATURAL.

IT'S NATURAL, AND I LOVE
STUFF THAT'S NATURAL.
NATURAL FOODS, NATURAL

STUFF THAT'S NATURAL.
NATURAL FOODS, NATURAL
CHILDBIRTH, NATURAL HISTORY,

NATURAL FOODS, NATURAL
CHILDBIRTH, NATURAL HISTORY,
NATURAL RESOURCES, NATURAL GAS

CHILDBIRTH, NATURAL HISTORY,
NATURAL RESOURCES, NATURAL GAS
AND, MOST OF ALL,

NATURAL RESOURCES, NATURAL GAS
AND, MOST OF ALL,
NATURAL BEAUTY.

AND, MOST OF ALL,
NATURAL BEAUTY.
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TRY ALL

NATURAL BEAUTY.
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TRY ALL
THESE TRICKS TO MAKE THEMSELVES

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TRY ALL
THESE TRICKS TO MAKE THEMSELVES
LOOK LIKE REAL HOT CHIC

THESE TRICKS TO MAKE THEMSELVES
LOOK LIKE REAL HOT CHIC
WITH GREEN AND PURPLE EYE

LOOK LIKE REAL HOT CHIC
WITH GREEN AND PURPLE EYE
MAKEUP, OR THOSE LADIES WHO

WITH GREEN AND PURPLE EYE
MAKEUP, OR THOSE LADIES WHO
CORN-ROLL THEIR HAIR LIKE A LOT

MAKEUP, OR THOSE LADIES WHO
CORN-ROLL THEIR HAIR LIKE A LOT
OF LITTLE BRAIDS AND HANG

CORN-ROLL THEIR HAIR LIKE A LOT
OF LITTLE BRAIDS AND HANG
LIFESAVERS AND LIGHTS AND

OF LITTLE BRAIDS AND HANG
LIFESAVERS AND LIGHTS AND
BUTTONS AND FEATHERS AND LITTLE

LIFESAVERS AND LIGHTS AND
BUTTONS AND FEATHERS AND LITTLE
STUFF FROM TOYS-R-US AT THE

BUTTONS AND FEATHERS AND LITTLE
STUFF FROM TOYS-R-US AT THE
BOTTOM OF IT, AND THEIR HEADS

STUFF FROM TOYS-R-US AT THE
BOTTOM OF IT, AND THEIR HEADS
ARE CLANKING AROUND, AND THEY

BOTTOM OF IT, AND THEIR HEADS
ARE CLANKING AROUND, AND THEY
LOOK LIKE CURTAINS AT

ARE CLANKING AROUND, AND THEY
LOOK LIKE CURTAINS AT
A GYPSY'S HOUSE.

LOOK LIKE CURTAINS AT
A GYPSY'S HOUSE.
LIKE, JUST RECENTLY, I WAS IN

A GYPSY'S HOUSE.
LIKE, JUST RECENTLY, I WAS IN
TIFFANY'S EXCHANGING THIS

LIKE, JUST RECENTLY, I WAS IN
TIFFANY'S EXCHANGING THIS
SILVER-PLATED LETTER OPENER THAT

TIFFANY'S EXCHANGING THIS
SILVER-PLATED LETTER OPENER THAT
NBC GAVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS... 12

SILVER-PLATED LETTER OPENER THAT
NBC GAVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS... 12
BUCKS, THANKS A LOT... WHEN, WHO

NBC GAVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS... 12
BUCKS, THANKS A LOT... WHEN, WHO
DO I SEE LEANING OVER ONE OF THE

BUCKS, THANKS A LOT... WHEN, WHO
DO I SEE LEANING OVER ONE OF THE
COUNTERS, BUT MISS "PERFECT 10"

DO I SEE LEANING OVER ONE OF THE
COUNTERS, BUT MISS "PERFECT 10"
HERSELF, BO DEREK!

COUNTERS, BUT MISS "PERFECT 10"
HERSELF, BO DEREK!
YOU KNOW, THAT CURVY-SMURVY

HERSELF, BO DEREK!
YOU KNOW, THAT CURVY-SMURVY
NEW MOVIE STAR THAT EVERYBODY'S

YOU KNOW, THAT CURVY-SMURVY
NEW MOVIE STAR THAT EVERYBODY'S
GETTING ALL HOT AND BOTHERED

NEW MOVIE STAR THAT EVERYBODY'S
GETTING ALL HOT AND BOTHERED
ABOUT AND I DON'T KNOW WHY?

GETTING ALL HOT AND BOTHERED
ABOUT AND I DON'T KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE I'M STANDING THERE, WHEN,

ABOUT AND I DON'T KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE I'M STANDING THERE, WHEN,
ALL OF A SUDDEN, MISS PERFECT 10

'CAUSE I'M STANDING THERE, WHEN,
ALL OF A SUDDEN, MISS PERFECT 10
LADY SNEEZES.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, MISS PERFECT 10
LADY SNEEZES.
NOT LIKE A CUTE, DAINTY, LITTLE

LADY SNEEZES.
NOT LIKE A CUTE, DAINTY, LITTLE
SNEEZE, BUT A REAL BLAST-O ONE!

NOT LIKE A CUTE, DAINTY, LITTLE
SNEEZE, BUT A REAL BLAST-O ONE!
MISS PERFECT 10 FOGGED UP HALF

SNEEZE, BUT A REAL BLAST-O ONE!
MISS PERFECT 10 FOGGED UP HALF
THE GLASS COUNTERS IN TIFFANY'S.

MISS PERFECT 10 FOGGED UP HALF
THE GLASS COUNTERS IN TIFFANY'S.
SO, WHAT DOES SHE DO?

THE GLASS COUNTERS IN TIFFANY'S.
SO, WHAT DOES SHE DO?
SHE OPENS HER PERFECT LITTLE

SO, WHAT DOES SHE DO?
SHE OPENS HER PERFECT LITTLE
PURSE AND TAKES OUT A PERFECT

SHE OPENS HER PERFECT LITTLE
PURSE AND TAKES OUT A PERFECT
LITTLE KLEENEX AND DRIES HER

PURSE AND TAKES OUT A PERFECT
LITTLE KLEENEX AND DRIES HER
PERFECT LITTLE FACE AND THEN

LITTLE KLEENEX AND DRIES HER
PERFECT LITTLE FACE AND THEN
THROWS THE PERFECT LITTLE

PERFECT LITTLE FACE AND THEN
THROWS THE PERFECT LITTLE
KLEENEX INTO THE PERFECT LITTLE

THROWS THE PERFECT LITTLE
KLEENEX INTO THE PERFECT LITTLE
TIFFANY TRASHCAN.

KLEENEX INTO THE PERFECT LITTLE
TIFFANY TRASHCAN.
BUT WHAT THIS CUTIE DIDN'T KNOW

TIFFANY TRASHCAN.
BUT WHAT THIS CUTIE DIDN'T KNOW
WAS WHEN SHE WIPED OFF HER NOSE,

BUT WHAT THIS CUTIE DIDN'T KNOW
WAS WHEN SHE WIPED OFF HER NOSE,
SHE DIDN'T PUSH BACK IN

WAS WHEN SHE WIPED OFF HER NOSE,
SHE DIDN'T PUSH BACK IN
THIS ONE LITTLE

SHE DIDN'T PUSH BACK IN
THIS ONE LITTLE
PERFECT LITTLE NOSE HAIR.

THIS ONE LITTLE
PERFECT LITTLE NOSE HAIR.
IT JUST STUCK OUT THERE AND

PERFECT LITTLE NOSE HAIR.
IT JUST STUCK OUT THERE AND
IT WAS LONG AND IT WAS BLACK AND

IT JUST STUCK OUT THERE AND
IT WAS LONG AND IT WAS BLACK AND
IT WAS PERFECT, AND I THOUGHT

IT WAS LONG AND IT WAS BLACK AND
IT WAS PERFECT, AND I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA DIE!

IT WAS PERFECT, AND I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA DIE!
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I WAS GONNA DIE!
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, I FELT

JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, I FELT
LIKE YANKING DOWN TWO MORE

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, I FELT
LIKE YANKING DOWN TWO MORE
HAIRS, BRAIDING THEM AND

LIKE YANKING DOWN TWO MORE
HAIRS, BRAIDING THEM AND
PUTTING A BEAD AT THE END.

HAIRS, BRAIDING THEM AND
PUTTING A BEAD AT THE END.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PUTTING A BEAD AT THE END.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEN HER NOSE WOULD HAVE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEN HER NOSE WOULD HAVE
LOOKED LIKE HER HAIR.

THEN HER NOSE WOULD HAVE
LOOKED LIKE HER HAIR.
BUT I YELLED, "HEY, BO!

LOOKED LIKE HER HAIR.
BUT I YELLED, "HEY, BO!
SHOVE THAT HAIR BACK UP

BUT I YELLED, "HEY, BO!
SHOVE THAT HAIR BACK UP
YOUR NOSE!

SHOVE THAT HAIR BACK UP
YOUR NOSE!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,

YOUR NOSE!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
MAKE ME SICK?"

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
MAKE ME SICK?"
Jane: ROSEANNE...

MAKE ME SICK?"
Jane: ROSEANNE...
"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO NEAT..."

Jane: ROSEANNE...
"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO NEAT..."
ROSEANNE... ROSEANNE!

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO NEAT..."
ROSEANNE... ROSEANNE!
[LAUGHTER]

ROSEANNE... ROSEANNE!
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S REALLY DISGUSTING.

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S REALLY DISGUSTING.
YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK, OK?

IT'S REALLY DISGUSTING.
YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK, OK?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK, OK?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU'RE STRAYING FROM THE

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU'RE STRAYING FROM THE
SUBJECT AND YOU'RE MAKING

YOU'RE STRAYING FROM THE
SUBJECT AND YOU'RE MAKING
EVERYBODY NAUSEOUS.

SUBJECT AND YOU'RE MAKING
EVERYBODY NAUSEOUS.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO

EVERYBODY NAUSEOUS.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,

SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER...

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING,
IT'S ANOTHER...
IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO

IT'S ANOTHER...
IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO
BREASTFEED YOUR BABY,

IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO
BREASTFEED YOUR BABY,
OR BO DEREK MAKES YOU

BREASTFEED YOUR BABY,
OR BO DEREK MAKES YOU
SICK AT TIFFANY'S.

OR BO DEREK MAKES YOU
SICK AT TIFFANY'S.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE SONG

SICK AT TIFFANY'S.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE SONG
MY FATHER USED TO SING TO ME

IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE SONG
MY FATHER USED TO SING TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT.

MY FATHER USED TO SING TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT.
HE'D TUCK ME INTO BED

BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT.
HE'D TUCK ME INTO BED
AND HE WOULD SING TO ME

HE'D TUCK ME INTO BED
AND HE WOULD SING TO ME
THIS SONG WRITTEN BY

AND HE WOULD SING TO ME
THIS SONG WRITTEN BY
MY MUSICALLY-HAPPENING COUSIN,

THIS SONG WRITTEN BY
MY MUSICALLY-HAPPENING COUSIN,
CARLOS SANTANA ROSEANNADANNA.

MY MUSICALLY-HAPPENING COUSIN,
CARLOS SANTANA ROSEANNADANNA.
AND IT WENT LIKE THIS...

CARLOS SANTANA ROSEANNADANNA.
AND IT WENT LIKE THIS...
♪ YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE

AND IT WENT LIKE THIS...
♪ YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE
YOUR PERFECT WAYS, BO DEREK ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE
YOUR PERFECT WAYS, BO DEREK ♪
♪ BEFORE I-I-I

YOUR PERFECT WAYS, BO DEREK ♪
♪ BEFORE I-I-I
START LOVING YOU ♪

♪ BEFORE I-I-I
START LOVING YOU ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE,

START LOVING YOU ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE,
BO DEREK ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE,
BO DEREK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I-I-I DON'T ENVY YOU ♪

BO DEREK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I-I-I DON'T ENVY YOU ♪
♪ YOU GOT PERFECT SKIN

♪ 'CAUSE I-I-I DON'T ENVY YOU ♪
♪ YOU GOT PERFECT SKIN
AND WHITE TEETH AND

♪ YOU GOT PERFECT SKIN
AND WHITE TEETH AND
YOU GOT PERFECT CLOTHES ♪

AND WHITE TEETH AND
YOU GOT PERFECT CLOTHES ♪
♪ BUT YOU ALSO GOT A BLACK HAIR

YOU GOT PERFECT CLOTHES ♪
♪ BUT YOU ALSO GOT A BLACK HAIR
HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE ♪

♪ BUT YOU ALSO GOT A BLACK HAIR
HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE ♪
♪ THIS CAN'T GO ON... ♪

HANGING OUT OF YOUR NOSE ♪
♪ THIS CAN'T GO ON... ♪
♪ NO MORE, THIS CAN'T GO ON ♪

♪ THIS CAN'T GO ON... ♪
♪ NO MORE, THIS CAN'T GO ON ♪
YOU'RE RIGHT, ROSEANNE,

♪ NO MORE, THIS CAN'T GO ON ♪
YOU'RE RIGHT, ROSEANNE,
THIS CAN'T GO ON.

YOU'RE RIGHT, ROSEANNE,
THIS CAN'T GO ON.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

THIS CAN'T GO ON.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING...]
[OFFBEAT DRUM PLAYING]

NO, NO, NO!
YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!
IT'S JUST FOUR BEATS!

YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!
IT'S JUST FOUR BEATS!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

IT'S JUST FOUR BEATS!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
IT'S SIMPLE.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
IT'S SIMPLE.
BUT I DID THAT...

IT'S SIMPLE.
BUT I DID THAT...
ONE, TWO... THREE, FOUR.

BUT I DID THAT...
ONE, TWO... THREE, FOUR.
NO... ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

ONE, TWO... THREE, FOUR.
NO... ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
YOU DON'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE.

NO... ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
YOU DON'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU GO CHARGING RIGHT

YOU DON'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU GO CHARGING RIGHT
THROUGH WITH IT!

YOU GO CHARGING RIGHT
THROUGH WITH IT!
LOOK, YOU WERE PLAYING IT

THROUGH WITH IT!
LOOK, YOU WERE PLAYING IT
BEFORE, WEREN'T YOU?

LOOK, YOU WERE PLAYING IT
BEFORE, WEREN'T YOU?
YOU'VE DONE IT.

BEFORE, WEREN'T YOU?
YOU'VE DONE IT.
YOU HAD IT AT THE BEGINNING.

YOU'VE DONE IT.
YOU HAD IT AT THE BEGINNING.
YOU STARTED OUT RIGHT,

YOU HAD IT AT THE BEGINNING.
YOU STARTED OUT RIGHT,
THEN YOU LOST IT.

YOU STARTED OUT RIGHT,
THEN YOU LOST IT.
GO AGAIN, THEN.

THEN YOU LOST IT.
GO AGAIN, THEN.
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR...

GO AGAIN, THEN.
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR...
[MUSIC PLAYS, OFFBEAT DRUMMING]

ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR...
[MUSIC PLAYS, OFFBEAT DRUMMING]
NO, NO,

[MUSIC PLAYS, OFFBEAT DRUMMING]
NO, NO,
WHERE'S THE FOUR BEATS?

NO, NO,
WHERE'S THE FOUR BEATS?
IT'S SO FLOGGIN' SIMPLE!

WHERE'S THE FOUR BEATS?
IT'S SO FLOGGIN' SIMPLE!
LOOK!

IT'S SO FLOGGIN' SIMPLE!
LOOK!
WE'RE IN THE FLOGGIN' GAUNT

LOOK!
WE'RE IN THE FLOGGIN' GAUNT
MANOR, FLOGGIN' ELENORE OF

WE'RE IN THE FLOGGIN' GAUNT
MANOR, FLOGGIN' ELENORE OF
GAUNT IS GONNA COME THROUGH THAT

MANOR, FLOGGIN' ELENORE OF
GAUNT IS GONNA COME THROUGH THAT
FLOGGIN' DOOR ANY MINUTE, LISTEN

GAUNT IS GONNA COME THROUGH THAT
FLOGGIN' DOOR ANY MINUTE, LISTEN
TO US PLAY THIS FLOGGIN' SONG

FLOGGIN' DOOR ANY MINUTE, LISTEN
TO US PLAY THIS FLOGGIN' SONG
AND SHE'S GONNA DECIDE IF SHE'S

TO US PLAY THIS FLOGGIN' SONG
AND SHE'S GONNA DECIDE IF SHE'S
GONNA BE OUR FLOGGIN' PATRON!

AND SHE'S GONNA DECIDE IF SHE'S
GONNA BE OUR FLOGGIN' PATRON!
AND YOU CAN'T PLAY FOUR FLOGGIN'

GONNA BE OUR FLOGGIN' PATRON!
AND YOU CAN'T PLAY FOUR FLOGGIN'
BEATS OF MUSIC ON THE DRUM

AND YOU CAN'T PLAY FOUR FLOGGIN'
BEATS OF MUSIC ON THE DRUM
LIKE YOU DID BEFORE!

BEATS OF MUSIC ON THE DRUM
LIKE YOU DID BEFORE!
I CAN'T HEAR IT.

LIKE YOU DID BEFORE!
I CAN'T HEAR IT.
LOOK... ONE... TWO...

I CAN'T HEAR IT.
LOOK... ONE... TWO...
All: THREE... FOUR.

LOOK... ONE... TWO...
All: THREE... FOUR.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T COUNT.

All: THREE... FOUR.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T COUNT.
IT'S ONLY GONNA CONFUSE HIM.

NO, NO, NO, DON'T COUNT.
IT'S ONLY GONNA CONFUSE HIM.
LOOK, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT,

IT'S ONLY GONNA CONFUSE HIM.
LOOK, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT,
JUST PLAY IT.

LOOK, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT,
JUST PLAY IT.
YOU HAD IT BEFORE!

JUST PLAY IT.
YOU HAD IT BEFORE!
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME

YOU HAD IT BEFORE!
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME
OVER HERE, SIT DOWN AT THIS

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME
OVER HERE, SIT DOWN AT THIS
DRUM, AND WATCH YOU GUYS PLAYIN'

OVER HERE, SIT DOWN AT THIS
DRUM, AND WATCH YOU GUYS PLAYIN'
AWAY WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST HOPE

DRUM, AND WATCH YOU GUYS PLAYIN'
AWAY WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST HOPE
OF KNOWIN' WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'?

AWAY WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST HOPE
OF KNOWIN' WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW

OF KNOWIN' WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PLAY FOUR

WHAT WE'RE DOING.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PLAY FOUR
FLOGGIN' BEATS ON THE DRUM!

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PLAY FOUR
FLOGGIN' BEATS ON THE DRUM!
LOOK! ONE...

FLOGGIN' BEATS ON THE DRUM!
LOOK! ONE...
All: TWO... THREE... FOUR!

LOOK! ONE...
All: TWO... THREE... FOUR!
THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.

All: TWO... THREE... FOUR!
THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
BUT YOU WERE STOPPING.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
BUT YOU WERE STOPPING.
YOU WEREN'T CHARGING THROUGH!

BUT YOU WERE STOPPING.
YOU WEREN'T CHARGING THROUGH!
NOW, LET'S TRY IT...

YOU WEREN'T CHARGING THROUGH!
NOW, LET'S TRY IT...
ONE... TWO...

NOW, LET'S TRY IT...
ONE... TWO...
All: THREE... FOUR!

ONE... TWO...
All: THREE... FOUR!
[MUSIC PLAYS]

All: THREE... FOUR!
[MUSIC PLAYS]
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

[MUSIC PLAYS]
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
YEAH!

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
YEAH!
THREE, FOUR!

YEAH!
THREE, FOUR!
NO!

THREE, FOUR!
NO!
YOU HAD IT BEFORE!

NO!
YOU HAD IT BEFORE!
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' THAT

YOU HAD IT BEFORE!
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' THAT
ALL FLOGGIN' DAY, BUT IT'S NOT

YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' THAT
ALL FLOGGIN' DAY, BUT IT'S NOT
GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING!

ALL FLOGGIN' DAY, BUT IT'S NOT
GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING!
I CAN'T PLAY IT!

GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING!
I CAN'T PLAY IT!
JUST FLOGGIN' LISTEN FOR

I CAN'T PLAY IT!
JUST FLOGGIN' LISTEN FOR
A FLOGGIN' MINUTE!

JUST FLOGGIN' LISTEN FOR
A FLOGGIN' MINUTE!
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

A FLOGGIN' MINUTE!
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!
YOU MEN CAN GET YOURSELF

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!
YOU MEN CAN GET YOURSELF
ANOTHER FLOGGIN' DRUMMER, HUH?

YOU MEN CAN GET YOURSELF
ANOTHER FLOGGIN' DRUMMER, HUH?
WHO NEEDS THIS?

ANOTHER FLOGGIN' DRUMMER, HUH?
WHO NEEDS THIS?
I CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO BEING

WHO NEEDS THIS?
I CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO BEING
A TINKER'S APPRENTICE.

I CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO BEING
A TINKER'S APPRENTICE.
LISTEN, SCHWANKEN, SCHWANKEN,

A TINKER'S APPRENTICE.
LISTEN, SCHWANKEN, SCHWANKEN,
YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FROM THE

LISTEN, SCHWANKEN, SCHWANKEN,
YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FROM THE
BEGINNING, HAVEN'T YOU?

YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FROM THE
BEGINNING, HAVEN'T YOU?
YOU'RE THE SEX SYMBOL OF

BEGINNING, HAVEN'T YOU?
YOU'RE THE SEX SYMBOL OF
THE GROUP, RIGHT?

YOU'RE THE SEX SYMBOL OF
THE GROUP, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WE WOULDN'T BE

THE GROUP, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WE WOULDN'T BE
THE MINSTRELS OF NEWCASTLE-

ALL RIGHT, WE WOULDN'T BE
THE MINSTRELS OF NEWCASTLE-
UNDER-LYME WITHOUT

THE MINSTRELS OF NEWCASTLE-
UNDER-LYME WITHOUT
FLOGGIN' SCHWANKEN THE DRUMMER!

UNDER-LYME WITHOUT
FLOGGIN' SCHWANKEN THE DRUMMER!
THAT'S RIGHT.

FLOGGIN' SCHWANKEN THE DRUMMER!
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE GREAT, SCHWANKEN,

THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE GREAT, SCHWANKEN,
YOU'RE GREAT.

YOU'RE GREAT, SCHWANKEN,
YOU'RE GREAT.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, THAT

YOU'RE GREAT.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, THAT
CROWD AT THE FESTIVAL OF CHARLES

IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, THAT
CROWD AT THE FESTIVAL OF CHARLES
WOULD NEVER HAVE REMEMBERED US.

CROWD AT THE FESTIVAL OF CHARLES
WOULD NEVER HAVE REMEMBERED US.
IT WAS THE DRUMMIN' THAT DID IT,

WOULD NEVER HAVE REMEMBERED US.
IT WAS THE DRUMMIN' THAT DID IT,
AND IT WAS YOUR DRUMMIN'.

IT WAS THE DRUMMIN' THAT DID IT,
AND IT WAS YOUR DRUMMIN'.
[ALL AGREEING]

AND IT WAS YOUR DRUMMIN'.
[ALL AGREEING]
YEAH!

[ALL AGREEING]
YEAH!
WELL... I WAS INSPIRED,

YEAH!
WELL... I WAS INSPIRED,
YOU KNOW.

WELL... I WAS INSPIRED,
YOU KNOW.
WE WERE ALL DRINKIN' MEAD,

YOU KNOW.
WE WERE ALL DRINKIN' MEAD,
YOU KNOW, AND FEASTING AND,

WE WERE ALL DRINKIN' MEAD,
YOU KNOW, AND FEASTING AND,
UH... IT'S JUST HAPPENED,

YOU KNOW, AND FEASTING AND,
UH... IT'S JUST HAPPENED,
YOU KNOW?

UH... IT'S JUST HAPPENED,
YOU KNOW?
NOT LIKE THIS

YOU KNOW?
NOT LIKE THIS
FLOGGIN' STRUGGLIN'!

NOT LIKE THIS
FLOGGIN' STRUGGLIN'!
BUT YOU CAN'T FLOGGIN' PLAY

FLOGGIN' STRUGGLIN'!
BUT YOU CAN'T FLOGGIN' PLAY
ON FLOGGIN' MEAD ALL THE TIME.

BUT YOU CAN'T FLOGGIN' PLAY
ON FLOGGIN' MEAD ALL THE TIME.
WELL, I PLAY BETTER

ON FLOGGIN' MEAD ALL THE TIME.
WELL, I PLAY BETTER
WHEN I PLAY ON FLOGGIN' MEAD

WELL, I PLAY BETTER
WHEN I PLAY ON FLOGGIN' MEAD
ALL THE TIME!

WHEN I PLAY ON FLOGGIN' MEAD
ALL THE TIME!
YOU JUST THINK YOU

ALL THE TIME!
YOU JUST THINK YOU
PLAY BETTER, BUT YOU DON'T

YOU JUST THINK YOU
PLAY BETTER, BUT YOU DON'T
PLAY BETTER.

PLAY BETTER, BUT YOU DON'T
PLAY BETTER.
IT THROWS THE WHOLE FUCKIN'

PLAY BETTER.
IT THROWS THE WHOLE FUCKIN'
TIMING OFF.

IT THROWS THE WHOLE FUCKIN'
TIMING OFF.
WELL, FLY ON YOUR

TIMING OFF.
WELL, FLY ON YOUR
FLOGGIN' TIMING, HORTISCRAYN!

WELL, FLY ON YOUR
FLOGGIN' TIMING, HORTISCRAYN!
YOU'RE NOT THE GREATEST PIPER

FLOGGIN' TIMING, HORTISCRAYN!
YOU'RE NOT THE GREATEST PIPER
IN THE WORLD, EITHER, HUH?

YOU'RE NOT THE GREATEST PIPER
IN THE WORLD, EITHER, HUH?
I'M WARNING YOU.

IN THE WORLD, EITHER, HUH?
I'M WARNING YOU.
DON'T YOU FLOGGIN' POINT

I'M WARNING YOU.
DON'T YOU FLOGGIN' POINT
THAT INSIPID DRUMSTICK AT ME,

DON'T YOU FLOGGIN' POINT
THAT INSIPID DRUMSTICK AT ME,
YOU LOUTISH WASTREL!

THAT INSIPID DRUMSTICK AT ME,
YOU LOUTISH WASTREL!
YOU CALL ME A LOUTISH

YOU LOUTISH WASTREL!
YOU CALL ME A LOUTISH
WASTREL, HUH?

YOU CALL ME A LOUTISH
WASTREL, HUH?
WELL, YOU'LL THINK TWICE

WASTREL, HUH?
WELL, YOU'LL THINK TWICE
BEFORE YOU DO THAT AGAIN!

WELL, YOU'LL THINK TWICE
BEFORE YOU DO THAT AGAIN!
HEY, SCHWANKEN... ONE...

BEFORE YOU DO THAT AGAIN!
HEY, SCHWANKEN... ONE...
TWO... THREE... FOUR.

HEY, SCHWANKEN... ONE...
TWO... THREE... FOUR.
IS THAT RIGHT, HORTISCRAYN?

TWO... THREE... FOUR.
IS THAT RIGHT, HORTISCRAYN?
IT'S THE RIGHT BEAT, YEAH.

IS THAT RIGHT, HORTISCRAYN?
IT'S THE RIGHT BEAT, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

IT'S THE RIGHT BEAT, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.
[MUSIC PLAYS]

ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
[GONG CHIMES]

[MUSIC PLAYS]
[GONG CHIMES]
ANNOUNCING THE WIFE OF SIR

[GONG CHIMES]
ANNOUNCING THE WIFE OF SIR
ROGER WIDEFRIES, DUKE OF GAUNT,

ANNOUNCING THE WIFE OF SIR
ROGER WIDEFRIES, DUKE OF GAUNT,
PRESENTLY IN HOLY COMBAT WITH...

ROGER WIDEFRIES, DUKE OF GAUNT,
PRESENTLY IN HOLY COMBAT WITH...
THE HEATHEN OF HORDES OF

PRESENTLY IN HOLY COMBAT WITH...
THE HEATHEN OF HORDES OF
TURKEY AND ASIA... HER LADYSHIP,

THE HEATHEN OF HORDES OF
TURKEY AND ASIA... HER LADYSHIP,
ELENORE OF GAUNT!

TURKEY AND ASIA... HER LADYSHIP,
ELENORE OF GAUNT!
[SQUEALS]

ELENORE OF GAUNT!
[SQUEALS]
GREETINGS... MINSTRELS OF

[SQUEALS]
GREETINGS... MINSTRELS OF
NEWCASTLE-UNDER-LYME.

GREETINGS... MINSTRELS OF
NEWCASTLE-UNDER-LYME.
MY NIECE, GERTRUDE OF GAUNT,

NEWCASTLE-UNDER-LYME.
MY NIECE, GERTRUDE OF GAUNT,
SOON TO BE WED TO RICHARD

MY NIECE, GERTRUDE OF GAUNT,
SOON TO BE WED TO RICHARD
MONHORNSTEEN, BARRON OF

SOON TO BE WED TO RICHARD
MONHORNSTEEN, BARRON OF
HAPSBURG, WAS QUITE TAKEN WITH

MONHORNSTEEN, BARRON OF
HAPSBURG, WAS QUITE TAKEN WITH
YOUR PERFORMANCE AT

HAPSBURG, WAS QUITE TAKEN WITH
YOUR PERFORMANCE AT
THE FEAST OF CHARLES. [CHUCKLES]

YOUR PERFORMANCE AT
THE FEAST OF CHARLES. [CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU, YOUR LADYSHIP.

THE FEAST OF CHARLES. [CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU, YOUR LADYSHIP.
MAY I INTRODUCE AN ORIGINAL

THANK YOU, YOUR LADYSHIP.
MAY I INTRODUCE AN ORIGINAL
COMPOSITION, WRITTEN ESPECIALLY

MAY I INTRODUCE AN ORIGINAL
COMPOSITION, WRITTEN ESPECIALLY
FOR THIS OCCASION, BY YOURS

COMPOSITION, WRITTEN ESPECIALLY
FOR THIS OCCASION, BY YOURS
TRULY, HOTISCRAYN THE MINSTREL,

FOR THIS OCCASION, BY YOURS
TRULY, HOTISCRAYN THE MINSTREL,
APPROPRIATELY ENTITLED

TRULY, HOTISCRAYN THE MINSTREL,
APPROPRIATELY ENTITLED
"WINTER SOLSTICE MOTET TO

APPROPRIATELY ENTITLED
"WINTER SOLSTICE MOTET TO
HER LADYSHIP O'NEIL."

"WINTER SOLSTICE MOTET TO
HER LADYSHIP O'NEIL."
OH...

HER LADYSHIP O'NEIL."
OH...
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.

OH...
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.
[MUSIC PLAYS, OFFBEAT DRUMMING]

ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.
[MUSIC PLAYS, OFFBEAT DRUMMING]
STOP!

[MUSIC PLAYS, OFFBEAT DRUMMING]
STOP!
STOP THE MUSIC, STOP!

STOP!
STOP THE MUSIC, STOP!
IT'S FLOGGIN' FOUR BEATS!

STOP THE MUSIC, STOP!
IT'S FLOGGIN' FOUR BEATS!
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!

IT'S FLOGGIN' FOUR BEATS!
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!
OH, GET UP, UP, UP!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!
OH, GET UP, UP, UP!
OUT!

OH, GET UP, UP, UP!
OUT!
YES, YOUR LADYSHIP.

OUT!
YES, YOUR LADYSHIP.
I'LL SHOW YOU!

YES, YOUR LADYSHIP.
I'LL SHOW YOU!
AND YOU, AND YOU!

I'LL SHOW YOU!
AND YOU, AND YOU!
[CHUCKLES]

AND YOU, AND YOU!
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]
I SHALL BE A DRUMMER!

[LAUGHTER]
I SHALL BE A DRUMMER!
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.

I SHALL BE A DRUMMER!
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.
[MUSIC PLAYS]

ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
OH...

[MUSIC PLAYS]
OH...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]
Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "TALK OR DIE," THE ACTION

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "TALK OR DIE," THE ACTION
TALK SHOW.

FOR "TALK OR DIE," THE ACTION
TALK SHOW.
HERE'S YOUR HOST, DIRK SAVAGE.

TALK SHOW.
HERE'S YOUR HOST, DIRK SAVAGE.
[GRUNTING]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO
"TALK OR DIE..."
[APPLAUSE]

"TALK OR DIE..."
[APPLAUSE]
THE ACTION TALK SHOW.

[APPLAUSE]
THE ACTION TALK SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, DIRK SAVAGE, AND

THE ACTION TALK SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, DIRK SAVAGE, AND
TONIGHT, WE CONTINUE OUR SERIES

I'M YOUR HOST, DIRK SAVAGE, AND
TONIGHT, WE CONTINUE OUR SERIES
OF PROGRAMS ON THE STATE OF

TONIGHT, WE CONTINUE OUR SERIES
OF PROGRAMS ON THE STATE OF
THEATER OF BRITAIN AND AMERICA.

OF PROGRAMS ON THE STATE OF
THEATER OF BRITAIN AND AMERICA.
WITH US IN THE STUDIO, WE HAVE A

THEATER OF BRITAIN AND AMERICA.
WITH US IN THE STUDIO, WE HAVE A
MR. JULIAN CARVER, THE NOTED SET

WITH US IN THE STUDIO, WE HAVE A
MR. JULIAN CARVER, THE NOTED SET
DESIGNER, DIRECTOR AND PIONEER

MR. JULIAN CARVER, THE NOTED SET
DESIGNER, DIRECTOR AND PIONEER
IN BLACK THEATER.

DESIGNER, DIRECTOR AND PIONEER
IN BLACK THEATER.
GOOD EVENING.

IN BLACK THEATER.
GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
AND MISS RULA LENSKA, THE, UH...

GOOD EVENING.
AND MISS RULA LENSKA, THE, UH...
THE WELL-KNOWN, FAMOUS, EASILY

AND MISS RULA LENSKA, THE, UH...
THE WELL-KNOWN, FAMOUS, EASILY
RECOGNIZED ACTRESS WHOM EVERYONE

THE WELL-KNOWN, FAMOUS, EASILY
RECOGNIZED ACTRESS WHOM EVERYONE
KNOWS FROM HER ENUMERABLE FILMS

RECOGNIZED ACTRESS WHOM EVERYONE
KNOWS FROM HER ENUMERABLE FILMS
AND TELEVISION APPEARANCES.

KNOWS FROM HER ENUMERABLE FILMS
AND TELEVISION APPEARANCES.
MAY I SAY, RULA, YOU'RE LOOKING

AND TELEVISION APPEARANCES.
MAY I SAY, RULA, YOU'RE LOOKING
ABSOLUTELY... LOVELY TODAY.

MAY I SAY, RULA, YOU'RE LOOKING
ABSOLUTELY... LOVELY TODAY.
THANK YOU, DIRK.

ABSOLUTELY... LOVELY TODAY.
THANK YOU, DIRK.
AS AN ACTRESS WHO IS CONSTANTLY

THANK YOU, DIRK.
AS AN ACTRESS WHO IS CONSTANTLY
BEING RECOGNIZED FOR HER MANY

AS AN ACTRESS WHO IS CONSTANTLY
BEING RECOGNIZED FOR HER MANY
UNFORGETTABLE PERFORMANCES,

BEING RECOGNIZED FOR HER MANY
UNFORGETTABLE PERFORMANCES,
IT IS IMPORTANT

UNFORGETTABLE PERFORMANCES,
IT IS IMPORTANT
THAT I LOOK MY BEST.

IT IS IMPORTANT
THAT I LOOK MY BEST.
ABSOLUTELY.

THAT I LOOK MY BEST.
ABSOLUTELY.
MR. CARVER, I'D LIKE TO BEGIN

ABSOLUTELY.
MR. CARVER, I'D LIKE TO BEGIN
THIS DISCUSSION BY NOTING THAT,

MR. CARVER, I'D LIKE TO BEGIN
THIS DISCUSSION BY NOTING THAT,
HERE IN THE STATES, THERE SEEMS

THIS DISCUSSION BY NOTING THAT,
HERE IN THE STATES, THERE SEEMS
TO BE A CERTAIN ANIMUS TOWARDS

HERE IN THE STATES, THERE SEEMS
TO BE A CERTAIN ANIMUS TOWARDS
THE BLACK THEATER, UH, A

TO BE A CERTAIN ANIMUS TOWARDS
THE BLACK THEATER, UH, A
HOLDOVER MAYBE FROM THE DAYS

THE BLACK THEATER, UH, A
HOLDOVER MAYBE FROM THE DAYS
WHEN... WHEN... MR. CARVER,

HOLDOVER MAYBE FROM THE DAYS
WHEN... WHEN... MR. CARVER,
DON'T SAY ANYTHING, REMAIN

WHEN... WHEN... MR. CARVER,
DON'T SAY ANYTHING, REMAIN
ABSOLUTELY STILL!

DON'T SAY ANYTHING, REMAIN
ABSOLUTELY STILL!
DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE!

ABSOLUTELY STILL!
DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE!
HMM? >> TRY NOT TO BREATHE!

DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE!
HMM? >> TRY NOT TO BREATHE!
REMAIN PERFECTLY MOTIONLESS!

HMM? >> TRY NOT TO BREATHE!
REMAIN PERFECTLY MOTIONLESS!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

REMAIN PERFECTLY MOTIONLESS!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, MAN?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, MAN?
MS. LENSKA, MS. LENSKA...

ABOUT, MAN?
MS. LENSKA, MS. LENSKA...
WHAT IS IT?

MS. LENSKA, MS. LENSKA...
WHAT IS IT?
YOU HAVE A TARANTULA SPIDER

WHAT IS IT?
YOU HAVE A TARANTULA SPIDER
ON YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER.

YOU HAVE A TARANTULA SPIDER
ON YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER.
THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMENT COULD BE

ON YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER.
THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMENT COULD BE
YOUR LAST!

THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMENT COULD BE
YOUR LAST!
MS. LENSKA, DO YOU HAVE

YOUR LAST!
MS. LENSKA, DO YOU HAVE
A HAIRBRUSH?

MS. LENSKA, DO YOU HAVE
A HAIRBRUSH?
YES, I THINK SO.

A HAIRBRUSH?
YES, I THINK SO.
AS AN ACTRESS, IT'S VERY

YES, I THINK SO.
AS AN ACTRESS, IT'S VERY
IMPORTANT THAT I LOOK MY BEST.

AS AN ACTRESS, IT'S VERY
IMPORTANT THAT I LOOK MY BEST.
SHUT UP, JUST GIVE ME THE

IMPORTANT THAT I LOOK MY BEST.
SHUT UP, JUST GIVE ME THE
HAIRBRUSH... VERY SLOWLY, RULA.

SHUT UP, JUST GIVE ME THE
HAIRBRUSH... VERY SLOWLY, RULA.
VERY SLOWLY, AND...

HAIRBRUSH... VERY SLOWLY, RULA.
VERY SLOWLY, AND...
[GRUNTING AND YELLING]

ARE YOU HURT?
YOU OK?
NOW, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TRY

YOU OK?
NOW, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TRY
AND TELL ME...

NOW, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TRY
AND TELL ME...
UH...

AND TELL ME...
UH...
IS THERE A PREJUDICE TOWARDS

UH...
IS THERE A PREJUDICE TOWARDS
BLACK THEATER IN AMERICA?

IS THERE A PREJUDICE TOWARDS
BLACK THEATER IN AMERICA?
UH...

BLACK THEATER IN AMERICA?
UH...
TRY TO TELL US, PLEASE.

UH...
TRY TO TELL US, PLEASE.
IT IS RATHER IMPORTANT.

TRY TO TELL US, PLEASE.
IT IS RATHER IMPORTANT.
UH...

IT IS RATHER IMPORTANT.
UH...
IS HE ALL RIGHT?

UH...
IS HE ALL RIGHT?
IS HE ALL RIGHT?

IS HE ALL RIGHT?
IS HE ALL RIGHT?
UH, WELL, A BAD SCARE BUT I

IS HE ALL RIGHT?
UH, WELL, A BAD SCARE BUT I
THINK HE'LL BE FINE.

UH, WELL, A BAD SCARE BUT I
THINK HE'LL BE FINE.
IN THE MEANTIME, RULA...

THINK HE'LL BE FINE.
IN THE MEANTIME, RULA...
I'M JOLLY ANXIOUS TO HEAR ABOUT

IN THE MEANTIME, RULA...
I'M JOLLY ANXIOUS TO HEAR ABOUT
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING SINCE I

I'M JOLLY ANXIOUS TO HEAR ABOUT
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING SINCE I
LAST... SINCE I LAST SAW YOU.

WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING SINCE I
LAST... SINCE I LAST SAW YOU.
YOU MUST'VE BEEN VERY BUSY

LAST... SINCE I LAST SAW YOU.
YOU MUST'VE BEEN VERY BUSY
WORKING ON THE MANY THEATRICAL

YOU MUST'VE BEEN VERY BUSY
WORKING ON THE MANY THEATRICAL
PROJECTS WHICH WOULD COME THE

WORKING ON THE MANY THEATRICAL
PROJECTS WHICH WOULD COME THE
WAY OF AN ACTRESS AS WELL-KNOWN

PROJECTS WHICH WOULD COME THE
WAY OF AN ACTRESS AS WELL-KNOWN
AS YOURSELF.

WAY OF AN ACTRESS AS WELL-KNOWN
AS YOURSELF.
WELL, DIRK, FOR THE PAST YEAR

AS YOURSELF.
WELL, DIRK, FOR THE PAST YEAR
AND A HALF, I'VE BEEN SHOWING

WELL, DIRK, FOR THE PAST YEAR
AND A HALF, I'VE BEEN SHOWING
SOME AMERICAN FRIENDS

AND A HALF, I'VE BEEN SHOWING
SOME AMERICAN FRIENDS
AROUND LONDON.

SOME AMERICAN FRIENDS
AROUND LONDON.
[LAUGHTER]

AROUND LONDON.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS] YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY

[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS] YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
IRREPRESSIBLE, RULA LENSKA, BUT

[LAUGHS] YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
IRREPRESSIBLE, RULA LENSKA, BUT
I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU GET

IRREPRESSIBLE, RULA LENSKA, BUT
I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU GET
READY TO GET UP WHEN I GIVE THE

I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU GET
READY TO GET UP WHEN I GIVE THE
WORD AND DIVE DOWN BELOW

READY TO GET UP WHEN I GIVE THE
WORD AND DIVE DOWN BELOW
YOUR SEAT.

WORD AND DIVE DOWN BELOW
YOUR SEAT.
IN A MINUTE... RIGHT NOW!

YOUR SEAT.
IN A MINUTE... RIGHT NOW!
GO, GO!

IN A MINUTE... RIGHT NOW!
GO, GO!
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]

GO, GO!
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
ARE YOU HURT?

[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
ARE YOU HURT?
I DON'T, I DON'T THINK SO.

ARE YOU HURT?
I DON'T, I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW'S MR. CARVER?

I DON'T, I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW'S MR. CARVER?
WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE THE

HOW'S MR. CARVER?
WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE THE
ONE THEY WERE AFTER.

WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE THE
ONE THEY WERE AFTER.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY...

ONE THEY WERE AFTER.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY...
THEY WON'T BE BACK.

BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY...
THEY WON'T BE BACK.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THEY WON'T BE BACK.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO...

HOW DO YOU KNOW?
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO...
TRUST ME.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO...
TRUST ME.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,

TRUST ME.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
MR. SAVAGE.

YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
MR. SAVAGE.
THEY WON'T BE BACK.

MR. SAVAGE.
THEY WON'T BE BACK.
YOU SEE, THERE'S REALLY NO NEED.

THEY WON'T BE BACK.
YOU SEE, THERE'S REALLY NO NEED.
TELL ME, MR. CARVER, HOW LONG

YOU SEE, THERE'S REALLY NO NEED.
TELL ME, MR. CARVER, HOW LONG
HAS THE K.G.B. RECRUITED

TELL ME, MR. CARVER, HOW LONG
HAS THE K.G.B. RECRUITED
OFF BROADWAY?

HAS THE K.G.B. RECRUITED
OFF BROADWAY?
IT'S REALLY QUITE PLEASANT

OFF BROADWAY?
IT'S REALLY QUITE PLEASANT
CHATTING WITH YOU, MR. SAVAGE,

IT'S REALLY QUITE PLEASANT
CHATTING WITH YOU, MR. SAVAGE,
BUT I'M A... I'M AFRAID,

CHATTING WITH YOU, MR. SAVAGE,
BUT I'M A... I'M AFRAID,
AS THE SAYING GOES, YOU'RE ABOUT

BUT I'M A... I'M AFRAID,
AS THE SAYING GOES, YOU'RE ABOUT
OUT OF TIME.

AS THE SAYING GOES, YOU'RE ABOUT
OUT OF TIME.
LOOK, I HAVE TO GO.

OUT OF TIME.
LOOK, I HAVE TO GO.
I'VE GOT TO TAPE AN ALBERTO

LOOK, I HAVE TO GO.
I'VE GOT TO TAPE AN ALBERTO
VO-5 COMMERCIAL.

I'VE GOT TO TAPE AN ALBERTO
VO-5 COMMERCIAL.
YOU SEE, I'M NOT REALLY A FAMOUS

VO-5 COMMERCIAL.
YOU SEE, I'M NOT REALLY A FAMOUS
ACTRESS AND I REALLY NEED

YOU SEE, I'M NOT REALLY A FAMOUS
ACTRESS AND I REALLY NEED
THE WORK.

ACTRESS AND I REALLY NEED
THE WORK.
OH, NO, MS. LENSKA.

THE WORK.
OH, NO, MS. LENSKA.
I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY FAR TOO

OH, NO, MS. LENSKA.
I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY FAR TOO
MUCH TO LET YOU RUN OFF.

I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY FAR TOO
MUCH TO LET YOU RUN OFF.
[LOUD GROWLING]

MUCH TO LET YOU RUN OFF.
[LOUD GROWLING]
BUT, BUT...

[LOUD GROWLING]
BUT, BUT...
[SCREAMING]

BUT, BUT...
[SCREAMING]
OK, OK... [GRUNTING]

[PANTING]
I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN
THE LAST SHOW OF THE SERIES,

I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN
THE LAST SHOW OF THE SERIES,
BUT NO.

THE LAST SHOW OF THE SERIES,
BUT NO.
OH, WELL, THERE'S...

BUT NO.
OH, WELL, THERE'S...
THERE'S ONE GUEST WHO WON'T BE

OH, WELL, THERE'S...
THERE'S ONE GUEST WHO WON'T BE
ON OUR TALK SHOW AGAIN.

THERE'S ONE GUEST WHO WON'T BE
ON OUR TALK SHOW AGAIN.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MS. LENSKA?

ON OUR TALK SHOW AGAIN.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MS. LENSKA?
OH, DIRK, I WAS

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MS. LENSKA?
OH, DIRK, I WAS
SO FRIGHTENED.

OH, DIRK, I WAS
SO FRIGHTENED.
OK, I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH

SO FRIGHTENED.
OK, I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH
EXCITEMENT FOR ONE DAY.

OK, I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH
EXCITEMENT FOR ONE DAY.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS SHOW.

EXCITEMENT FOR ONE DAY.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS SHOW.
I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED IT AND

WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS SHOW.
I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED IT AND
THAT YOU'LL JOIN US AGAIN FOR

I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED IT AND
THAT YOU'LL JOIN US AGAIN FOR
ANOTHER EDITION OF

THAT YOU'LL JOIN US AGAIN FOR
ANOTHER EDITION OF
"TALK OR DIE."

ANOTHER EDITION OF
"TALK OR DIE."
[THEME SONG PLAYS, APPLAUSE]

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY...
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT, MAN?
HUH, MAN, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT, MAN?
HUH, MAN, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK HERE.

HUH, MAN, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK HERE.
I'VE GOT $209 HERE, SEE?

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK HERE.
I'VE GOT $209 HERE, SEE?
I ONLY NEED 16 MORE DOLLARS,

I'VE GOT $209 HERE, SEE?
I ONLY NEED 16 MORE DOLLARS,
MAN, FOR A REAL FINE BOTTLE OF

I ONLY NEED 16 MORE DOLLARS,
MAN, FOR A REAL FINE BOTTLE OF
1947 MOUTON ROTHSCHILD.

MAN, FOR A REAL FINE BOTTLE OF
1947 MOUTON ROTHSCHILD.
YEAH, I ONLY NEED ABOUT

1947 MOUTON ROTHSCHILD.
YEAH, I ONLY NEED ABOUT
ANOTHER 10 BUCKS HERE FOR THE...

YEAH, I ONLY NEED ABOUT
ANOTHER 10 BUCKS HERE FOR THE...
AWW, YOU SEE WHAT YOU DONE

ANOTHER 10 BUCKS HERE FOR THE...
AWW, YOU SEE WHAT YOU DONE
DONE, MAN?

AWW, YOU SEE WHAT YOU DONE
DONE, MAN?
YOU'RE TOO WEIRD, MAN.

DONE, MAN?
YOU'RE TOO WEIRD, MAN.
YOU'RE TOO WEIRD.

YOU'RE TOO WEIRD, MAN.
YOU'RE TOO WEIRD.
YOU'RE BLOWING YOUR LIGHTS

YOU'RE TOO WEIRD.
YOU'RE BLOWING YOUR LIGHTS
OUT ON THE CHEAP

YOU'RE BLOWING YOUR LIGHTS
OUT ON THE CHEAP
MID-'60s BEAUJOLAIS.

OUT ON THE CHEAP
MID-'60s BEAUJOLAIS.
HOW MUCH YOU GOT ANYWAY?

MID-'60s BEAUJOLAIS.
HOW MUCH YOU GOT ANYWAY?
WE GONNA... WHAT YOU GONNA

HOW MUCH YOU GOT ANYWAY?
WE GONNA... WHAT YOU GONNA
GET ANYWAY?

WE GONNA... WHAT YOU GONNA
GET ANYWAY?
I WAS GONNA GET A REAL NICE

GET ANYWAY?
I WAS GONNA GET A REAL NICE
BOTTLE OF 1952 FONTANA

I WAS GONNA GET A REAL NICE
BOTTLE OF 1952 FONTANA
CLASSICO, OK?

BOTTLE OF 1952 FONTANA
CLASSICO, OK?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DRINK

CLASSICO, OK?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DRINK
THAT ITALIAN SWILL, MAN!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DRINK
THAT ITALIAN SWILL, MAN!
NOW, IF WE PUT OUR MONEY

THAT ITALIAN SWILL, MAN!
NOW, IF WE PUT OUR MONEY
TOGETHER, WE COULD GET

NOW, IF WE PUT OUR MONEY
TOGETHER, WE COULD GET
OURSELVES A BEAUTIFUL BOTTLE OF

TOGETHER, WE COULD GET
OURSELVES A BEAUTIFUL BOTTLE OF
COTES DU RHONE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE

OURSELVES A BEAUTIFUL BOTTLE OF
COTES DU RHONE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
AROUND 1958, HMM?

COTES DU RHONE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
AROUND 1958, HMM?
YEAH.

AROUND 1958, HMM?
YEAH.
HMM?

YEAH.
HMM?
YEAH, IT'D BE REAL NICE.

HMM?
YEAH, IT'D BE REAL NICE.
OH...

YEAH, IT'D BE REAL NICE.
OH...
HEY... WHAT YOU GOT THERE, MAN,

OH...
HEY... WHAT YOU GOT THERE, MAN,
WHAT YOU GOT, WHAT YOU GOT?

HEY... WHAT YOU GOT THERE, MAN,
WHAT YOU GOT, WHAT YOU GOT?
CURTIS, I HAVE HERE ONE OF

WHAT YOU GOT, WHAT YOU GOT?
CURTIS, I HAVE HERE ONE OF
THE FINEST EXAMPLES OF A 1956

CURTIS, I HAVE HERE ONE OF
THE FINEST EXAMPLES OF A 1956
MONTRACHET THAT YOU

THE FINEST EXAMPLES OF A 1956
MONTRACHET THAT YOU
WILL EVER TRY.

MONTRACHET THAT YOU
WILL EVER TRY.
A WHITE BURGUNDY, MAN?

WILL EVER TRY.
A WHITE BURGUNDY, MAN?
YOU BLEW THAT MONEY ON

A WHITE BURGUNDY, MAN?
YOU BLEW THAT MONEY ON
A WHITE BURGUNDY?

YOU BLEW THAT MONEY ON
A WHITE BURGUNDY?
YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN A REAL

A WHITE BURGUNDY?
YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN A REAL
BOTTLE FOR THAT MONEY, MAN.

YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN A REAL
BOTTLE FOR THAT MONEY, MAN.
I KNOW THAT WINE, MAN.

BOTTLE FOR THAT MONEY, MAN.
I KNOW THAT WINE, MAN.
THAT'S UNBALANCED AND

I KNOW THAT WINE, MAN.
THAT'S UNBALANCED AND
INFERIOR, MAN.

THAT'S UNBALANCED AND
INFERIOR, MAN.
[LAUGHTER]

INFERIOR, MAN.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A GOOD WINE, OK?

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A GOOD WINE, OK?
IT'S INTENSE, DRY, YET LUSCIOUS.

IT'S A GOOD WINE, OK?
IT'S INTENSE, DRY, YET LUSCIOUS.
IT'S VERY GOOD.

IT'S INTENSE, DRY, YET LUSCIOUS.
IT'S VERY GOOD.
TAKE A SWIG, YOU'RE GONNA BE

IT'S VERY GOOD.
TAKE A SWIG, YOU'RE GONNA BE
VERY PLEASED.

TAKE A SWIG, YOU'RE GONNA BE
VERY PLEASED.
MMM, DELICATE BOUQUET...

VERY PLEASED.
MMM, DELICATE BOUQUET...
LIKE, LIKE... FRUITY, FRUITY...

MMM, DELICATE BOUQUET...
LIKE, LIKE... FRUITY, FRUITY...
COMPLEX, MAN... BUT NOT QUITE

LIKE, LIKE... FRUITY, FRUITY...
COMPLEX, MAN... BUT NOT QUITE
DEVELOPED YET, YOU KNOW, NOT

COMPLEX, MAN... BUT NOT QUITE
DEVELOPED YET, YOU KNOW, NOT
QUITE DEVELOPED YET.

DEVELOPED YET, YOU KNOW, NOT
QUITE DEVELOPED YET.
CRAZY, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT

QUITE DEVELOPED YET.
CRAZY, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT
FROM A GRAND CRU VINEYARDS

CRAZY, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT
FROM A GRAND CRU VINEYARDS
IN '56?

FROM A GRAND CRU VINEYARDS
IN '56?
THEY HAD A LOT OF RAIN,

IN '56?
THEY HAD A LOT OF RAIN,
IF YOU REMEMBER.

THEY HAD A LOT OF RAIN,
IF YOU REMEMBER.
RIGHT...

IF YOU REMEMBER.
RIGHT...
IT'S STILL AN

RIGHT...
IT'S STILL AN
EXCELLENT BOTTLE.

IT'S STILL AN
EXCELLENT BOTTLE.
$90 FOR THIS BOTTLE.

EXCELLENT BOTTLE.
$90 FOR THIS BOTTLE.
IT'S A GOOD ONE.

$90 FOR THIS BOTTLE.
IT'S A GOOD ONE.
NO, NO, I THINK IT'S STARTING

IT'S A GOOD ONE.
NO, NO, I THINK IT'S STARTING
TO DECLINE.

NO, NO, I THINK IT'S STARTING
TO DECLINE.
SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT A COUPLE

TO DECLINE.
SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGO.

SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGO.
YEAH, AND BESIDES, MAN, WHERE

OF YEARS AGO.
YEAH, AND BESIDES, MAN, WHERE
ARE WE GONNA EAT NOW, HUH?

YEAH, AND BESIDES, MAN, WHERE
ARE WE GONNA EAT NOW, HUH?
IT'S SATURDAY, MAN.

ARE WE GONNA EAT NOW, HUH?
IT'S SATURDAY, MAN.
SALVATION ARMY HAS STEW.

IT'S SATURDAY, MAN.
SALVATION ARMY HAS STEW.
HOLY NAME CELLAR HAS STEW.

SALVATION ARMY HAS STEW.
HOLY NAME CELLAR HAS STEW.
I'M SORRY, I'M NOT GONNA DRINK A

HOLY NAME CELLAR HAS STEW.
I'M SORRY, I'M NOT GONNA DRINK A
WHITE WINE WITH BEEF STEW.

I'M SORRY, I'M NOT GONNA DRINK A
WHITE WINE WITH BEEF STEW.
I AIN'T GONNA.

WHITE WINE WITH BEEF STEW.
I AIN'T GONNA.
YOU HAVE AN EXCELLENT POINT

I AIN'T GONNA.
YOU HAVE AN EXCELLENT POINT
THERE, BUT IF I'M CORRECTLY

YOU HAVE AN EXCELLENT POINT
THERE, BUT IF I'M CORRECTLY
THINKING HERE, THE LIGHTHOUSE ON

THERE, BUT IF I'M CORRECTLY
THINKING HERE, THE LIGHTHOUSE ON
WATER STREET IS HAVING SOME SORT

THINKING HERE, THE LIGHTHOUSE ON
WATER STREET IS HAVING SOME SORT
OF A CHICKEN FRANCESE TONIGHT

WATER STREET IS HAVING SOME SORT
OF A CHICKEN FRANCESE TONIGHT
THAT WOULD GO EXCELLENT WITH

OF A CHICKEN FRANCESE TONIGHT
THAT WOULD GO EXCELLENT WITH
THIS MONTRACHET.

THAT WOULD GO EXCELLENT WITH
THIS MONTRACHET.
YEAH.

THIS MONTRACHET.
YEAH.
MOST OF US DON'T HAVE THE

YEAH.
MOST OF US DON'T HAVE THE
MONEY THESE GUYS HAVE TO BUY

MOST OF US DON'T HAVE THE
MONEY THESE GUYS HAVE TO BUY
FINE, IMPORTED VINTAGES.

MONEY THESE GUYS HAVE TO BUY
FINE, IMPORTED VINTAGES.
AND WITH INFLATION AND THE

FINE, IMPORTED VINTAGES.
AND WITH INFLATION AND THE
SHRINKING DOLLAR, IT'S GOING TO

AND WITH INFLATION AND THE
SHRINKING DOLLAR, IT'S GOING TO
MAKE MORE SENSE TO BUY AMERICAN

SHRINKING DOLLAR, IT'S GOING TO
MAKE MORE SENSE TO BUY AMERICAN
WINES, AND NEW YORK STATE WINES

MAKE MORE SENSE TO BUY AMERICAN
WINES, AND NEW YORK STATE WINES
ARE AMONG THE BEST.

WINES, AND NEW YORK STATE WINES
ARE AMONG THE BEST.
YOU'LL BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED

ARE AMONG THE BEST.
YOU'LL BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED
BY THE QUALITY AND VARIETY THAT

YOU'LL BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED
BY THE QUALITY AND VARIETY THAT
OUR WORLD-RENOWNED EMPIRE STATE

BY THE QUALITY AND VARIETY THAT
OUR WORLD-RENOWNED EMPIRE STATE
VINEYARDS HAVE TO OFFER.

OUR WORLD-RENOWNED EMPIRE STATE
VINEYARDS HAVE TO OFFER.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU BUY WINE,

VINEYARDS HAVE TO OFFER.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU BUY WINE,
THINK NEW YORK.

Announcer: NEW YORK

STATE WINE: YOU'LL TASTE

THE DIFFERENCE.

[APPLAUSE]

AND NOW, FROM OUR OWN
WONDERFUL BAND AT SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE, HERE'S DAVID SANBORN.

WONDERFUL BAND AT SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE, HERE'S DAVID SANBORN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIVE, HERE'S DAVID SANBORN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["ANYTHING YOU WANT" PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["ANYTHING YOU WANT" PLAYS]
[♪...]

[♪...]

[♪...]

[♪...]

[♪...]

[♪...]

[MUSIC ENDS,
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

GOOD EVENING,
I'M DAVID SUSSKIND.
WE HAVE AN UNUSUAL SHOW TONIGHT:

I'M DAVID SUSSKIND.
WE HAVE AN UNUSUAL SHOW TONIGHT:
ALL MY GUESTS HAVE ONE THING IN

WE HAVE AN UNUSUAL SHOW TONIGHT:
ALL MY GUESTS HAVE ONE THING IN
COMMON, AND THEY'VE ALL

ALL MY GUESTS HAVE ONE THING IN
COMMON, AND THEY'VE ALL
UNDERGONE VARIOUS FORMS OF

COMMON, AND THEY'VE ALL
UNDERGONE VARIOUS FORMS OF
PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE

UNDERGONE VARIOUS FORMS OF
PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE
THEMSELVES LOOK LIKE

PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE
THEMSELVES LOOK LIKE
CERTAIN CELEBRITIES.

THEMSELVES LOOK LIKE
CERTAIN CELEBRITIES.
UH, WITH ME IS MR. LLOYD SIMMONS

CERTAIN CELEBRITIES.
UH, WITH ME IS MR. LLOYD SIMMONS
WHO MAKES HIS LIVING AS AN ELVIS

UH, WITH ME IS MR. LLOYD SIMMONS
WHO MAKES HIS LIVING AS AN ELVIS
PRESLEY IMPERSONATOR.

WHO MAKES HIS LIVING AS AN ELVIS
PRESLEY IMPERSONATOR.
YES, SIR, THAT'S RIGHT.

PRESLEY IMPERSONATOR.
YES, SIR, THAT'S RIGHT.
MR. SIMMONS, YOU ACTUALLY

YES, SIR, THAT'S RIGHT.
MR. SIMMONS, YOU ACTUALLY
UNDERWENT PLASTIC SURGERY TO

MR. SIMMONS, YOU ACTUALLY
UNDERWENT PLASTIC SURGERY TO
LOOK MORE LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY.

UNDERWENT PLASTIC SURGERY TO
LOOK MORE LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY.
YES, SIR, I'VE HAD 211

LOOK MORE LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY.
YES, SIR, I'VE HAD 211
SEPARATE OPERATIONS OVER THE

YES, SIR, I'VE HAD 211
SEPARATE OPERATIONS OVER THE
LAST TWO YEARS.

SEPARATE OPERATIONS OVER THE
LAST TWO YEARS.
THAT IS AMAZING.

LAST TWO YEARS.
THAT IS AMAZING.
YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY THIS,

THAT IS AMAZING.
YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT, UH, YOU STILL DON'T LOOK

YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT, UH, YOU STILL DON'T LOOK
THAT MUCH LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY.

BUT, UH, YOU STILL DON'T LOOK
THAT MUCH LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY.
I KNOW, I HEAR THAT FROM A

THAT MUCH LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY.
I KNOW, I HEAR THAT FROM A
LOT OF FOLKS.

I KNOW, I HEAR THAT FROM A
LOT OF FOLKS.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE

LOT OF FOLKS.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE
FINAL PRODUCT.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE
FINAL PRODUCT.
WE STILL HAVE A LITTLE WORK TO

FINAL PRODUCT.
WE STILL HAVE A LITTLE WORK TO
DO ON MY EYES, MY NOSE AND,

WE STILL HAVE A LITTLE WORK TO
DO ON MY EYES, MY NOSE AND,
UH... WE GOTTA RESET MY JAW.

DO ON MY EYES, MY NOSE AND,
UH... WE GOTTA RESET MY JAW.
BUT WHY?

UH... WE GOTTA RESET MY JAW.
BUT WHY?
I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU PUT

BUT WHY?
I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU PUT
YOURSELF THROUGH THAT PAIN

I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU PUT
YOURSELF THROUGH THAT PAIN
AND AGONY?

YOURSELF THROUGH THAT PAIN
AND AGONY?
WELL, SIR, FOR ONE THING,

AND AGONY?
WELL, SIR, FOR ONE THING,
IT... IT IS A LITTLE FINANCIALLY

WELL, SIR, FOR ONE THING,
IT... IT IS A LITTLE FINANCIALLY
REWARDING, IF YOU KNOW

IT... IT IS A LITTLE FINANCIALLY
REWARDING, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.

REWARDING, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
BUT, UH, IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I

WHAT I MEAN.
BUT, UH, IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I
LOOKED LIKE BEFORE, I, I THINK

BUT, UH, IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I
LOOKED LIKE BEFORE, I, I THINK
YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

LOOKED LIKE BEFORE, I, I THINK
YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
YES, WE HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU

YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
YES, WE HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU
BEFORE THE OPERATION.

YES, WE HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU
BEFORE THE OPERATION.
DO YOU MIND IF WE HOLD THIS UP?

BEFORE THE OPERATION.
DO YOU MIND IF WE HOLD THIS UP?
YES, SIR, THAT'S WHY

DO YOU MIND IF WE HOLD THIS UP?
YES, SIR, THAT'S WHY
I BROUGHT IT.

YES, SIR, THAT'S WHY
I BROUGHT IT.
[LAUGHTER]

I BROUGHT IT.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS YOU 211

[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS YOU 211
OPERATIONS AGO?

THIS IS YOU 211
OPERATIONS AGO?
YES, SIR, THAT'S CORRECT.

OPERATIONS AGO?
YES, SIR, THAT'S CORRECT.
THAT IS AN AMAZING

YES, SIR, THAT'S CORRECT.
THAT IS AN AMAZING
TRANSFORMATION.

THAT IS AN AMAZING
TRANSFORMATION.
I FIND IT HARD

TRANSFORMATION.
I FIND IT HARD
TO BELIEVE, MYSELF.

I FIND IT HARD
TO BELIEVE, MYSELF.
WELL, NOW, LET'S MEET OUR

TO BELIEVE, MYSELF.
WELL, NOW, LET'S MEET OUR
OTHER GUESTS.

WELL, NOW, LET'S MEET OUR
OTHER GUESTS.
KATHERINE FARLEY, WHO BEARS A

OTHER GUESTS.
KATHERINE FARLEY, WHO BEARS A
REMARKABLE RESEMBLANCE

KATHERINE FARLEY, WHO BEARS A
REMARKABLE RESEMBLANCE
TO DOLLY PARTON.

REMARKABLE RESEMBLANCE
TO DOLLY PARTON.
THANK YOU.

TO DOLLY PARTON.
THANK YOU.
UH, NOW, KATHERINE, WHAT WAS

THANK YOU.
UH, NOW, KATHERINE, WHAT WAS
THE NATURE OF THE SURGERY THAT

UH, NOW, KATHERINE, WHAT WAS
THE NATURE OF THE SURGERY THAT
YOU UNDERWENT?

THE NATURE OF THE SURGERY THAT
YOU UNDERWENT?
MR. SUSSKIND, I HAD SECTIONS

YOU UNDERWENT?
MR. SUSSKIND, I HAD SECTIONS
OF MY BUTTOCKS IMPLANTED

MR. SUSSKIND, I HAD SECTIONS
OF MY BUTTOCKS IMPLANTED
IN MY BREASTS.

OF MY BUTTOCKS IMPLANTED
IN MY BREASTS.
UH... I NOTICED, I NOTICED

IN MY BREASTS.
UH... I NOTICED, I NOTICED
YOU DON'T SOUND A LOT LIKE

UH... I NOTICED, I NOTICED
YOU DON'T SOUND A LOT LIKE
DOLLY PARTON WHEN YOU TALK.

YOU DON'T SOUND A LOT LIKE
DOLLY PARTON WHEN YOU TALK.
DO YOU SING?

DOLLY PARTON WHEN YOU TALK.
DO YOU SING?
I LIP-SYNC HER SONGS.

DO YOU SING?
I LIP-SYNC HER SONGS.
AND VERY WELL, TOO,

I LIP-SYNC HER SONGS.
AND VERY WELL, TOO,
I UNDERSTAND.

AND VERY WELL, TOO,
I UNDERSTAND.
GOOD LUCK THERE

I UNDERSTAND.
GOOD LUCK THERE
TO YOU, KATHERINE.

GOOD LUCK THERE
TO YOU, KATHERINE.
MY NEXT GUEST IS STEVE FLUNE,

TO YOU, KATHERINE.
MY NEXT GUEST IS STEVE FLUNE,
AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO END UP

MY NEXT GUEST IS STEVE FLUNE,
AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO END UP
LOOKING LIKE DONNY OSMOND,

AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO END UP
LOOKING LIKE DONNY OSMOND,
BUT EVIDENTLY, HE HAD

LOOKING LIKE DONNY OSMOND,
BUT EVIDENTLY, HE HAD
A BAD EXPERIENCE.

BUT EVIDENTLY, HE HAD
A BAD EXPERIENCE.
WHAT HAPPENED, STEVE?

A BAD EXPERIENCE.
WHAT HAPPENED, STEVE?
UH, WELL, THAT'S RIGHT,

WHAT HAPPENED, STEVE?
UH, WELL, THAT'S RIGHT,
MR. SUSSKIND.

UH, WELL, THAT'S RIGHT,
MR. SUSSKIND.
UH, I WANT TO LOOK LIKE DONNY

MR. SUSSKIND.
UH, I WANT TO LOOK LIKE DONNY
OSMOND AND I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT

UH, I WANT TO LOOK LIKE DONNY
OSMOND AND I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT
OF MONEY, SEE?

OSMOND AND I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT
OF MONEY, SEE?
[LAUGHTER]

OF MONEY, SEE?
[LAUGHTER]
SO WHAT I DID WAS, I WENT DOWN

[LAUGHTER]
SO WHAT I DID WAS, I WENT DOWN
TO THE SCHOOL OF PLASTIC SURGERY

SO WHAT I DID WAS, I WENT DOWN
TO THE SCHOOL OF PLASTIC SURGERY
AND I LET THE STUDENTS

TO THE SCHOOL OF PLASTIC SURGERY
AND I LET THE STUDENTS
WORK ON ME.

AND I LET THE STUDENTS
WORK ON ME.
AND I GUESS THE REASON I'M ON

WORK ON ME.
AND I GUESS THE REASON I'M ON
YOUR SHOW IS, UH, JUST TO SAY

AND I GUESS THE REASON I'M ON
YOUR SHOW IS, UH, JUST TO SAY
THAT IF YOU'RE A PERSON OUT

YOUR SHOW IS, UH, JUST TO SAY
THAT IF YOU'RE A PERSON OUT
THERE WHO'S INTERESTED IN GOING

THAT IF YOU'RE A PERSON OUT
THERE WHO'S INTERESTED IN GOING
UNDER THE KNIFE, DON'T SKIMP ON

THERE WHO'S INTERESTED IN GOING
UNDER THE KNIFE, DON'T SKIMP ON
THE BUCKS.

UNDER THE KNIFE, DON'T SKIMP ON
THE BUCKS.
SPEND THE MONEY.

THE BUCKS.
SPEND THE MONEY.
THANK YOU FOR BEING BRAVE

SPEND THE MONEY.
THANK YOU FOR BEING BRAVE
ENOUGH TO COME ON THE SHOW AND

THANK YOU FOR BEING BRAVE
ENOUGH TO COME ON THE SHOW AND
TELL US YOUR STORY.

ENOUGH TO COME ON THE SHOW AND
TELL US YOUR STORY.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

TELL US YOUR STORY.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
NOW, MY FINAL GUEST IS

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
NOW, MY FINAL GUEST IS
MR. LYNN MADRUDE FROM

NOW, MY FINAL GUEST IS
MR. LYNN MADRUDE FROM
SAGINAW, MICHIGAN.

MR. LYNN MADRUDE FROM
SAGINAW, MICHIGAN.
NOW, MR. MADRUDE, YOU ARE THE

SAGINAW, MICHIGAN.
NOW, MR. MADRUDE, YOU ARE THE
SPITTING IMAGE OF PAUL SIMON.

NOW, MR. MADRUDE, YOU ARE THE
SPITTING IMAGE OF PAUL SIMON.
YOU ARE A CREDIT TO THE PLASTIC

SPITTING IMAGE OF PAUL SIMON.
YOU ARE A CREDIT TO THE PLASTIC
SURGERY PROFESSION.

YOU ARE A CREDIT TO THE PLASTIC
SURGERY PROFESSION.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEVER WENT

SURGERY PROFESSION.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEVER WENT
TO A PLASTIC SURGEON.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEVER WENT
TO A PLASTIC SURGEON.
I ALWAYS LOOKED VERY MUCH LIKE

TO A PLASTIC SURGEON.
I ALWAYS LOOKED VERY MUCH LIKE
PAUL SIMON, EXCEPT FOR

I ALWAYS LOOKED VERY MUCH LIKE
PAUL SIMON, EXCEPT FOR
THE FACT THAT I WAS 6'7".

PAUL SIMON, EXCEPT FOR
THE FACT THAT I WAS 6'7".
I HAD TO HAVE 17 INCHES OF BONE

THE FACT THAT I WAS 6'7".
I HAD TO HAVE 17 INCHES OF BONE
AND MUSCLE REMOVED FROM MY LEGS.

I HAD TO HAVE 17 INCHES OF BONE
AND MUSCLE REMOVED FROM MY LEGS.
[LAUGHTER]

AND MUSCLE REMOVED FROM MY LEGS.
[LAUGHTER]
WOW... THAT LOOKS PAINFUL.

[LAUGHTER]
WOW... THAT LOOKS PAINFUL.
IT WAS WORTH IT.

WOW... THAT LOOKS PAINFUL.
IT WAS WORTH IT.
WAS IT WORTH IT?

IT WAS WORTH IT.
WAS IT WORTH IT?
I MEAN, WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING

WAS IT WORTH IT?
I MEAN, WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING
ANOTHER PERSON?

I MEAN, WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING
ANOTHER PERSON?
I MEAN, HAS THIS MEANT PROBLEMS

ANOTHER PERSON?
I MEAN, HAS THIS MEANT PROBLEMS
IN YOUR LIVES BECAUSE PEOPLE

I MEAN, HAS THIS MEANT PROBLEMS
IN YOUR LIVES BECAUSE PEOPLE
THINK YOU'RE CELEBRITIES?

IN YOUR LIVES BECAUSE PEOPLE
THINK YOU'RE CELEBRITIES?
WELL, SIR, UH, YOU KNOW, UH,

THINK YOU'RE CELEBRITIES?
WELL, SIR, UH, YOU KNOW, UH,
ELVIS LEFT US A COUPLE YEARS AGO

WELL, SIR, UH, YOU KNOW, UH,
ELVIS LEFT US A COUPLE YEARS AGO
TO GO TO THE GREAT OPRY LAND

ELVIS LEFT US A COUPLE YEARS AGO
TO GO TO THE GREAT OPRY LAND
UPSTAIRS AND I THINK, UH, MOST

TO GO TO THE GREAT OPRY LAND
UPSTAIRS AND I THINK, UH, MOST
OF HIS FANS ARE AWARE THAT HE'S

UPSTAIRS AND I THINK, UH, MOST
OF HIS FANS ARE AWARE THAT HE'S
NO LONGER WITH US.

OF HIS FANS ARE AWARE THAT HE'S
NO LONGER WITH US.
I DON'T GET A LOT OF PEOPLE

NO LONGER WITH US.
I DON'T GET A LOT OF PEOPLE
CONFUSING ME WITH THE KING.

I DON'T GET A LOT OF PEOPLE
CONFUSING ME WITH THE KING.
UH, KATHERINE?

CONFUSING ME WITH THE KING.
UH, KATHERINE?
[LAUGHTER]

UH, KATHERINE?
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, DAVID, PEOPLE COME UP

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, DAVID, PEOPLE COME UP
TO ME ALL THE TIME, BUT I FOUND

WELL, DAVID, PEOPLE COME UP
TO ME ALL THE TIME, BUT I FOUND
OUT THAT IF YOU VERY POLITELY

TO ME ALL THE TIME, BUT I FOUND
OUT THAT IF YOU VERY POLITELY
ASK THEM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE,

OUT THAT IF YOU VERY POLITELY
ASK THEM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE,
THEY WILL.

ASK THEM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE,
THEY WILL.
STEVE... HOW 'BOUT YOU?

THEY WILL.
STEVE... HOW 'BOUT YOU?
WELL, UH, I FIND THAT I SCARE

STEVE... HOW 'BOUT YOU?
WELL, UH, I FIND THAT I SCARE
SMALL CHILDREN.

WELL, UH, I FIND THAT I SCARE
SMALL CHILDREN.
[LAUGHTER]

SMALL CHILDREN.
[LAUGHTER]
MR. MADRUDE, ANY PROBLEMS

[LAUGHTER]
MR. MADRUDE, ANY PROBLEMS
LOOKING LIKE PAUL SIMON?

MR. MADRUDE, ANY PROBLEMS
LOOKING LIKE PAUL SIMON?
[SIGHS] JUST ONE MAJOR

LOOKING LIKE PAUL SIMON?
[SIGHS] JUST ONE MAJOR
PROBLEM IS THAT PEOPLE KEEP

[SIGHS] JUST ONE MAJOR
PROBLEM IS THAT PEOPLE KEEP
ASKING ME WHY I BROKE UP WITH

PROBLEM IS THAT PEOPLE KEEP
ASKING ME WHY I BROKE UP WITH
ART GARFUNKLE.

ASKING ME WHY I BROKE UP WITH
ART GARFUNKLE.
WISH TO HELL I KNEW.

ART GARFUNKLE.
WISH TO HELL I KNEW.
ACTUALLY, I LOVED THE WAY THE

WISH TO HELL I KNEW.
ACTUALLY, I LOVED THE WAY THE
GUYS SANG TOGETHER.

ACTUALLY, I LOVED THE WAY THE
GUYS SANG TOGETHER.
David: YEAH, ME TOO.

GUYS SANG TOGETHER.
David: YEAH, ME TOO.
IF I EVER MEET PAUL SIMON,

David: YEAH, ME TOO.
IF I EVER MEET PAUL SIMON,
IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I MOST

IF I EVER MEET PAUL SIMON,
IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I MOST
WANT TO ASK HIM.

IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I MOST
WANT TO ASK HIM.
PROBABLY A GOOD QUESTION.

WANT TO ASK HIM.
PROBABLY A GOOD QUESTION.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF

PROBABLY A GOOD QUESTION.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF
YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF
YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN.
WE'D LIKE TO ASK ALL OF YOU TO

YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN.
WE'D LIKE TO ASK ALL OF YOU TO
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL BE

WE'D LIKE TO ASK ALL OF YOU TO
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL BE
TALKING TO THREE GUESTS WHO'VE

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL BE
TALKING TO THREE GUESTS WHO'VE
HAD TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY TO

TALKING TO THREE GUESTS WHO'VE
HAD TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY TO
AVOID LOOKING LIKE CELEBRITIES.

HAD TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY TO
AVOID LOOKING LIKE CELEBRITIES.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AVOID LOOKING LIKE CELEBRITIES.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S BEEN A GOOD SHOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S BEEN A GOOD SHOW.
[♪...]

IT'S BEEN A GOOD SHOW.
[♪...]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

Announcer: WE'LL BE BACK LIVE
ON APRIL 5th, THREE WEEKS
FROM TONIGHT.

ON APRIL 5th, THREE WEEKS
FROM TONIGHT.
IN THE MEANTIME, WATCH OUR

FROM TONIGHT.
IN THE MEANTIME, WATCH OUR
ENCORE PERFORMANCES AND THE BEST

IN THE MEANTIME, WATCH OUR
ENCORE PERFORMANCES AND THE BEST
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE ON

ENCORE PERFORMANCES AND THE BEST
OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE ON
FRIDAYS AT 10... NINE,

OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE ON
FRIDAYS AT 10... NINE,
MOUNTAIN AND CENTRAL.

FRIDAYS AT 10... NINE,
MOUNTAIN AND CENTRAL.
THE FIRST HUNDRED SHOWS ARE THE

MOUNTAIN AND CENTRAL.
THE FIRST HUNDRED SHOWS ARE THE
HARDEST, SO FROM NOW ON, THIS

THE FIRST HUNDRED SHOWS ARE THE
HARDEST, SO FROM NOW ON, THIS
SHOW SHOULD BE A CINCH.

HARDEST, SO FROM NOW ON, THIS
SHOW SHOULD BE A CINCH.
THIS IS DON PARDO.

SHOW SHOULD BE A CINCH.
THIS IS DON PARDO.
GOOD NIGHT.

THIS IS DON PARDO.
GOOD NIGHT.
[♪...]