Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Rodney Dangerfield/The J. Geils Band - full transcript

[KNOCKING]
AH, COME IN.
HELLO, MR. DANGERFIELD.

AH, COME IN.
HELLO, MR. DANGERFIELD.
OH, HOW THE HELL ARE YA?

HELLO, MR. DANGERFIELD.
OH, HOW THE HELL ARE YA?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

OH, HOW THE HELL ARE YA?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD TO SEE YA.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD TO SEE YA.
HOW YA DOING?

GOOD TO SEE YA.
HOW YA DOING?
I JUST CAME BY TO SAY HELLO

HOW YA DOING?
I JUST CAME BY TO SAY HELLO
TO YOU.

I JUST CAME BY TO SAY HELLO
TO YOU.
OH, YEAH?

TO YOU.
OH, YEAH?
AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT

OH, YEAH?
AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT
I REALLY RESPECT YOU.

AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT
I REALLY RESPECT YOU.
I HAVE ALL KINDS OF RESPECT



I REALLY RESPECT YOU.
I HAVE ALL KINDS OF RESPECT
FOR YOU.

I HAVE ALL KINDS OF RESPECT
FOR YOU.
THANKS VERY MUCH, FATHER,

FOR YOU.
THANKS VERY MUCH, FATHER,
I'M FLATTERED.

THANKS VERY MUCH, FATHER,
I'M FLATTERED.
THAT'S REALLY NICE.

I'M FLATTERED.
THAT'S REALLY NICE.
HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?

THAT'S REALLY NICE.
HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
OH, FANTASTIC.

HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
OH, FANTASTIC.
THEY'RE TREATING ME LIKE A

OH, FANTASTIC.
THEY'RE TREATING ME LIKE A
PRINCE HERE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, YOU

THEY'RE TREATING ME LIKE A
PRINCE HERE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, YOU
KNOW, REALLY NICE.

PRINCE HERE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, YOU
KNOW, REALLY NICE.
HEY, I'M NOT HOLDING YOU UP,

KNOW, REALLY NICE.
HEY, I'M NOT HOLDING YOU UP,
AM I?

HEY, I'M NOT HOLDING YOU UP,
AM I?
WELL, I GOT A LITTLE TIME TO

AM I?
WELL, I GOT A LITTLE TIME TO
MYSELF, THE SHOW'S GONNA START

WELL, I GOT A LITTLE TIME TO
MYSELF, THE SHOW'S GONNA START
IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WANTED TO



MYSELF, THE SHOW'S GONNA START
IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WANTED TO
GO OVER A FEW THINGS, THAT'S

IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WANTED TO
GO OVER A FEW THINGS, THAT'S
ALL, YOU KNOW?

GO OVER A FEW THINGS, THAT'S
ALL, YOU KNOW?
HEY, YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO

ALL, YOU KNOW?
HEY, YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO
ASK YOU A FAVOR, IF YOU

HEY, YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO
ASK YOU A FAVOR, IF YOU
WOULDN'T MIND?

ASK YOU A FAVOR, IF YOU
WOULDN'T MIND?
YOU KNOW, THEY PUT ME IN A

WOULDN'T MIND?
YOU KNOW, THEY PUT ME IN A
DRESSING ROOM DOWN HERE WITH

YOU KNOW, THEY PUT ME IN A
DRESSING ROOM DOWN HERE WITH
THREE OTHER FELLOWS.

DRESSING ROOM DOWN HERE WITH
THREE OTHER FELLOWS.
AND IT'S REAL CROWDED IN THERE.

THREE OTHER FELLOWS.
AND IT'S REAL CROWDED IN THERE.
AND I WAS WANDERING IF YOU

AND IT'S REAL CROWDED IN THERE.
AND I WAS WANDERING IF YOU
DIDN'T MIND IF I COULD SHARE

AND I WAS WANDERING IF YOU
DIDN'T MIND IF I COULD SHARE
THIS DRESSING ROOM WITH YOU?

DIDN'T MIND IF I COULD SHARE
THIS DRESSING ROOM WITH YOU?
YOU KNOW, IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU,

THIS DRESSING ROOM WITH YOU?
YOU KNOW, IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU,
OF COURSE?

YOU KNOW, IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU,
OF COURSE?
WELL, GEE, IT'S REALLY NOT

OF COURSE?
WELL, GEE, IT'S REALLY NOT
VERY BIG IN HERE.

WELL, GEE, IT'S REALLY NOT
VERY BIG IN HERE.
THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH ROOM,

VERY BIG IN HERE.
THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH ROOM,
YOU KNOW?

THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH ROOM,
YOU KNOW?
WELL, THAT'S OKAY, WE CAN

YOU KNOW?
WELL, THAT'S OKAY, WE CAN
MANAGE, I DON'T MIND.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY, WE CAN
MANAGE, I DON'T MIND.
OH, YEAH?

MANAGE, I DON'T MIND.
OH, YEAH?
I'M GONNA PUT YOUR STUFF DOWN

OH, YEAH?
I'M GONNA PUT YOUR STUFF DOWN
ON THIS SIDE, OKAY?

I'M GONNA PUT YOUR STUFF DOWN
ON THIS SIDE, OKAY?
OH, OKAY.

ON THIS SIDE, OKAY?
OH, OKAY.
I'LL JUST GO OVER THE SCRIPT A

OH, OKAY.
I'LL JUST GO OVER THE SCRIPT A
LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?

I'LL JUST GO OVER THE SCRIPT A
LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?
[KNOCKING]

LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW?
[KNOCKING]
I'LL GET IT.

[KNOCKING]
I'LL GET IT.
OKAY, RIGHT.

I'LL GET IT.
OKAY, RIGHT.
OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HERE, I'VE

OKAY, RIGHT.
OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HERE, I'VE
BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.

OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HERE, I'VE
BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
WELL, I HAD TO CHANGE

BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
WELL, I HAD TO CHANGE
DRESSING ROOMS, IT'S A LONG

WELL, I HAD TO CHANGE
DRESSING ROOMS, IT'S A LONG
STORY, BELIEVE ME.

DRESSING ROOMS, IT'S A LONG
STORY, BELIEVE ME.
HI, RODNEY, HOW ARE YOU?

STORY, BELIEVE ME.
HI, RODNEY, HOW ARE YOU?
JANE, HOW ARE YOU,

HI, RODNEY, HOW ARE YOU?
JANE, HOW ARE YOU,
HOW ARE YOU?

JANE, HOW ARE YOU,
HOW ARE YOU?
THERE'S A FEW CHANGES, I'M JUST

HOW ARE YOU?
THERE'S A FEW CHANGES, I'M JUST
GOING OVER THEM HERE.

THERE'S A FEW CHANGES, I'M JUST
GOING OVER THEM HERE.
OH, OKAY.

GOING OVER THEM HERE.
OH, OKAY.
UH, FATHER, THE GUY SHOWED UP.

OH, OKAY.
UH, FATHER, THE GUY SHOWED UP.
HE DID?

UH, FATHER, THE GUY SHOWED UP.
HE DID?
GOOD, WELL, YOU GOT IT, EH?

HE DID?
GOOD, WELL, YOU GOT IT, EH?
YEAH, BUT I HAD TO PUT UP THE

GOOD, WELL, YOU GOT IT, EH?
YEAH, BUT I HAD TO PUT UP THE
WHOLE $200 MYSELF.

YEAH, BUT I HAD TO PUT UP THE
WHOLE $200 MYSELF.
IF YOU WANT HALF, I'M GONNA

WHOLE $200 MYSELF.
IF YOU WANT HALF, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO GET $50 FROM YOU NOW.

IF YOU WANT HALF, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO GET $50 FROM YOU NOW.
[LAUGHTER]

HAVE TO GET $50 FROM YOU NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU THINK MAYBE I CAN

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU THINK MAYBE I CAN
GIVE IT TO YOU NEXT WEEK OR

WELL, YOU THINK MAYBE I CAN
GIVE IT TO YOU NEXT WEEK OR
SOMETIME?

GIVE IT TO YOU NEXT WEEK OR
SOMETIME?
WOULD IT BE OKAY?

SOMETIME?
WOULD IT BE OKAY?
NO, I NEED IT NOW.

WOULD IT BE OKAY?
NO, I NEED IT NOW.
WELL, I ONLY GOT A $100 BILL,

NO, I NEED IT NOW.
WELL, I ONLY GOT A $100 BILL,
CAN YOU CHANGE $100?

WELL, I ONLY GOT A $100 BILL,
CAN YOU CHANGE $100?
NO, I CAN'T.

CAN YOU CHANGE $100?
NO, I CAN'T.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THE

NO, I CAN'T.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THE
$100 AND I'LL OWE YOU $50?

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THE
$100 AND I'LL OWE YOU $50?
HEY, MR. DANGERFIELD?

$100 AND I'LL OWE YOU $50?
HEY, MR. DANGERFIELD?
CAN YOU BREAK A $100 BILL FOR

HEY, MR. DANGERFIELD?
CAN YOU BREAK A $100 BILL FOR
ME, PLEASE, IT'S PRETTY

CAN YOU BREAK A $100 BILL FOR
ME, PLEASE, IT'S PRETTY
IMPORTANT?

ME, PLEASE, IT'S PRETTY
IMPORTANT?
I ONLY GOT ABOUT $50, $60 ON

IMPORTANT?
I ONLY GOT ABOUT $50, $60 ON
ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I GOT

I ONLY GOT ABOUT $50, $60 ON
ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I GOT
HERE.

ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I GOT
HERE.
CAN I BORROW $50 FROM YOU?

HERE.
CAN I BORROW $50 FROM YOU?
I GOT $53 ON ME HERE, $53.

CAN I BORROW $50 FROM YOU?
I GOT $53 ON ME HERE, $53.
I DON'T NEED THE WHOLE THING,

I GOT $53 ON ME HERE, $53.
I DON'T NEED THE WHOLE THING,
$50 WOULD BE FINE.

I DON'T NEED THE WHOLE THING,
$50 WOULD BE FINE.
[PHONE RINGING]

$50 WOULD BE FINE.
[PHONE RINGING]
OKAY, RIGHT, RIGHT.

[PHONE RINGING]
OKAY, RIGHT, RIGHT.
YES?

OKAY, RIGHT, RIGHT.
YES?
YES, IT IS.

YES?
YES, IT IS.
WHO?

YES, IT IS.
WHO?
OH, YEAH.

WHO?
OH, YEAH.
JANE, JANE, IT'S FOR YOU.

OH, YEAH.
JANE, JANE, IT'S FOR YOU.
OH, OH, OKAY.

JANE, JANE, IT'S FOR YOU.
OH, OH, OKAY.
OKAY, RIGHT.

OH, OH, OKAY.
OKAY, RIGHT.
HELLO?

OKAY, RIGHT.
HELLO?
[KNOCKING]

HELLO?
[KNOCKING]
I'LL GET IT.

[KNOCKING]
I'LL GET IT.
Jane: YEAH, YEAH.

I'LL GET IT.
Jane: YEAH, YEAH.
[MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Jane: YEAH, YEAH.
[MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HEY, MR. DANGERFIELD, THESE

[ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HEY, MR. DANGERFIELD, THESE
ARE SOME FRIENDS I WANT YOU

HEY, MR. DANGERFIELD, THESE
ARE SOME FRIENDS I WANT YOU
TO MEET.

ARE SOME FRIENDS I WANT YOU
TO MEET.
HER NEPHEW IS GONNA BE ON THE

TO MEET.
HER NEPHEW IS GONNA BE ON THE
SHOW WITH ME TONIGHT,

HER NEPHEW IS GONNA BE ON THE
SHOW WITH ME TONIGHT,
FROM ITALY.

SHOW WITH ME TONIGHT,
FROM ITALY.
AND I TOLD THEM THEY COULD WATCH

FROM ITALY.
AND I TOLD THEM THEY COULD WATCH
THE SHOW FROM MY DRESSING ROOM.

AND I TOLD THEM THEY COULD WATCH
THE SHOW FROM MY DRESSING ROOM.
OH, SURE.

THE SHOW FROM MY DRESSING ROOM.
OH, SURE.
I KNEW THAT YOU WOULDN'T

OH, SURE.
I KNEW THAT YOU WOULDN'T
MIND.

I KNEW THAT YOU WOULDN'T
MIND.
THIS IS GABRIELLA PATERNA.

MIND.
THIS IS GABRIELLA PATERNA.
HELLO, GOOD TO SEE YOU,

THIS IS GABRIELLA PATERNA.
HELLO, GOOD TO SEE YOU,
HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO, GOOD TO SEE YOU,
HOW ARE YOU?
THIS IS HER HUSBAND

HOW ARE YOU?
THIS IS HER HUSBAND
RON PATERNA.

THIS IS HER HUSBAND
RON PATERNA.
NICE TO SEE YOU, SIR.

RON PATERNA.
NICE TO SEE YOU, SIR.
THIS LITTLE GIRL, HER NAME

NICE TO SEE YOU, SIR.
THIS LITTLE GIRL, HER NAME
IS GABRIELLA.

THIS LITTLE GIRL, HER NAME
IS GABRIELLA.
THAT'S THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER,

IS GABRIELLA.
THAT'S THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER,
SHE'S NAMED FOR THE GRANDMOTHER.

THAT'S THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER,
SHE'S NAMED FOR THE GRANDMOTHER.
SAME NAME.

SHE'S NAMED FOR THE GRANDMOTHER.
SAME NAME.
AND THIS IS MRS. PATERNA'S

SAME NAME.
AND THIS IS MRS. PATERNA'S
BROTHER.

AND THIS IS MRS. PATERNA'S
BROTHER.
HIS NAME IS MR. MUMORU.

BROTHER.
HIS NAME IS MR. MUMORU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU,

HIS NAME IS MR. MUMORU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU,
NICE SEEING YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU,
NICE SEEING YOU.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

NICE SEEING YOU.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL TELL YA, I GOT A LOT

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL TELL YA, I GOT A LOT
OF STUFF TO GO OVER HERE.

WELL, I'LL TELL YA, I GOT A LOT
OF STUFF TO GO OVER HERE.
I BET YOU NEVER MET ANYBODY

OF STUFF TO GO OVER HERE.
I BET YOU NEVER MET ANYBODY
NAMED GABRIELLA BEFORE?

I BET YOU NEVER MET ANYBODY
NAMED GABRIELLA BEFORE?
NO, NEVER, NEVER, NO.

NAMED GABRIELLA BEFORE?
NO, NEVER, NEVER, NO.
THEN I BET FOR SURE YOU NEVER

NO, NEVER, NEVER, NO.
THEN I BET FOR SURE YOU NEVER
MET TWO GABRIELLAS IN THE SAME

THEN I BET FOR SURE YOU NEVER
MET TWO GABRIELLAS IN THE SAME
DAY, RIGHT, RIGHT?

MET TWO GABRIELLAS IN THE SAME
DAY, RIGHT, RIGHT?
I HAVEN'T MET ONE IN ONE

DAY, RIGHT, RIGHT?
I HAVEN'T MET ONE IN ONE
MONTH TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I HAVEN'T MET ONE IN ONE
MONTH TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
YOU KNOW?

MONTH TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
YOU KNOW?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

YOU KNOW?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]... TONIGHT

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]... TONIGHT
SHOW, JOHNNY CARSON.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]... TONIGHT
SHOW, JOHNNY CARSON.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]... JOHNNY.

SHOW, JOHNNY CARSON.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]... JOHNNY.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]...

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]... JOHNNY.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]...
ED MCMAHON.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]...
ED MCMAHON.
[LAUGHTER]

ED MCMAHON.
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS THAT HE THINKS THAT
HE SAW YOU ONCE.

HE SAYS THAT HE THINKS THAT
HE SAW YOU ONCE.
OH, YEAH?

HE SAW YOU ONCE.
OH, YEAH?
[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH?
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, LISTEN, I THINK THE SHOW'S

[LAUGHTER]
HEY, LISTEN, I THINK THE SHOW'S
GONNA START PRETTY SOON.

HEY, LISTEN, I THINK THE SHOW'S
GONNA START PRETTY SOON.
I MEAN, HOW DO I KNOW WHO'S

GONNA START PRETTY SOON.
I MEAN, HOW DO I KNOW WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO GO ON,

I MEAN, HOW DO I KNOW WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO GO ON,
I DON'T KNOW?

SUPPOSED TO GO ON,
I DON'T KNOW?
WELL, YOU CAN TELL 'CAUSE IT

I DON'T KNOW?
WELL, YOU CAN TELL 'CAUSE IT
COMES ON THIS TELEVISION SET.

WELL, YOU CAN TELL 'CAUSE IT
COMES ON THIS TELEVISION SET.
COMES RIGHT ON THERE.

COMES ON THIS TELEVISION SET.
COMES RIGHT ON THERE.
THE TELEVISION'S NOT

COMES RIGHT ON THERE.
THE TELEVISION'S NOT
TURNED ON.

THE TELEVISION'S NOT
TURNED ON.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.

TURNED ON.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

HEY, LOOK, MR. DANGERFIELD,
THAT'S YOU.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

THAT'S YOU.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HEY, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HEY, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO?

HEY, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO?
Jane: LOOK, RODNEY, IT'S

TO DO?
Jane: LOOK, RODNEY, IT'S
RIGHT HERE IN YOUR SCRIPT,

Jane: LOOK, RODNEY, IT'S
RIGHT HERE IN YOUR SCRIPT,
COME ON.

RIGHT HERE IN YOUR SCRIPT,
COME ON.
WELL, LET ME SEE, WAIT A SECOND.

COME ON.
WELL, LET ME SEE, WAIT A SECOND.
OKAY, SARDUCCI ENTERS.

WELL, LET ME SEE, WAIT A SECOND.
OKAY, SARDUCCI ENTERS.
UH, I GET A PHONE CALL.

OKAY, SARDUCCI ENTERS.
UH, I GET A PHONE CALL.
THE PATERNA'S AND MR. MUMORU.

UH, I GET A PHONE CALL.
THE PATERNA'S AND MR. MUMORU.
SARDUCCI TURNS ON THE TV SET.

THE PATERNA'S AND MR. MUMORU.
SARDUCCI TURNS ON THE TV SET.
I HELP YOU FIND YOUR PLACE IN

SARDUCCI TURNS ON THE TV SET.
I HELP YOU FIND YOUR PLACE IN
THE SCRIPT.

I HELP YOU FIND YOUR PLACE IN
THE SCRIPT.
[LAUGHTER]

THE SCRIPT.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS.

[LAUGHTER]
HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS.
OH, YEAH, OKAY.

HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS.
OH, YEAH, OKAY.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

OH, YEAH, OKAY.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE!
WITH RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

NIGHT LIVE!
WITH RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
STARRING JANE CURTAIN.

WITH RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
STARRING JANE CURTAIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.

STARRING JANE CURTAIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.

GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.

BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.
GILDA RADNER.

LARAINE NEWMAN.
GILDA RADNER.
AND HARRY SHEARER.

GILDA RADNER.
AND HARRY SHEARER.
WITH MUSICAL GUEST,

AND HARRY SHEARER.
WITH MUSICAL GUEST,
THE J. GEILS BAND.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST,
THE J. GEILS BAND.
AND FEATURING PETER AYKROYD.

THE J. GEILS BAND.
AND FEATURING PETER AYKROYD.
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY.

AND FEATURING PETER AYKROYD.
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY.
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY.
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
AND PAUL SHAFFER.

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
AND PAUL SHAFFER.
[♪...]

AND PAUL SHAFFER.
[♪...]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

[♪...]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RODNEY DANGERFIELD!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RODNEY DANGERFIELD!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT A CROWD.
WHAT A CROWD!

WHAT A CROWD.
WHAT A CROWD!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU,

WHAT A CROWD!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.
I'LL TELL YA...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.
I'LL TELL YA...
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL TELL YA...
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY.
I'LL TELL YA, I'M ALL RIGHT NOW,

OKAY.
I'LL TELL YA, I'M ALL RIGHT NOW,
BUT LAST WEEK I WAS

I'LL TELL YA, I'M ALL RIGHT NOW,
BUT LAST WEEK I WAS
IN ROUGH SHAPE, YA KNOW?

BUT LAST WEEK I WAS
IN ROUGH SHAPE, YA KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]

IN ROUGH SHAPE, YA KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, LAST WEEK I LOOKED UP

[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, LAST WEEK I LOOKED UP
MY FAMILY TREE.

I MEAN, LAST WEEK I LOOKED UP
MY FAMILY TREE.
I FOUND OUT I'M THE SAP!

MY FAMILY TREE.
I FOUND OUT I'M THE SAP!
[LAUGHTER]

I FOUND OUT I'M THE SAP!
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YA, I CAN'T RELAX,

[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YA, I CAN'T RELAX,
YOU KNOW?

I'LL TELL YA, I CAN'T RELAX,
YOU KNOW?
LIKE THE OTHER NIGHT, I WAS IN

YOU KNOW?
LIKE THE OTHER NIGHT, I WAS IN
A PLACE AND I FELT LIKE HAVING

LIKE THE OTHER NIGHT, I WAS IN
A PLACE AND I FELT LIKE HAVING
A FEW DRINKS.

A PLACE AND I FELT LIKE HAVING
A FEW DRINKS.
I WENT OVER TO THE BARTENDER,

A FEW DRINKS.
I WENT OVER TO THE BARTENDER,
I SAID, "SURPRISE ME."

I WENT OVER TO THE BARTENDER,
I SAID, "SURPRISE ME."
HE SHOWED ME A

I SAID, "SURPRISE ME."
HE SHOWED ME A
NAKED PICTURE OF MY WIFE.

HE SHOWED ME A
NAKED PICTURE OF MY WIFE.
[LAUGHTER]

NAKED PICTURE OF MY WIFE.
[LAUGHTER]
YESTERDAY WAS A BEAUTY TOO.

[LAUGHTER]
YESTERDAY WAS A BEAUTY TOO.
YESTERDAY, I ASKED A CABDRIVER,

YESTERDAY WAS A BEAUTY TOO.
YESTERDAY, I ASKED A CABDRIVER,
"WHERE COULD I GET SOME ACTION?"

YESTERDAY, I ASKED A CABDRIVER,
"WHERE COULD I GET SOME ACTION?"
HE TOOK ME TO MY HOUSE.

"WHERE COULD I GET SOME ACTION?"
HE TOOK ME TO MY HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]

HE TOOK ME TO MY HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, I'LL YA, NOTHIN' GOES

[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, I'LL YA, NOTHIN' GOES
RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I'LL YA, NOTHIN' GOES
RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
MY SEX LIFE IS NOTHIN'.

RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
MY SEX LIFE IS NOTHIN'.
MY WIFE CUT ME DOWN TO ONCE

MY SEX LIFE IS NOTHIN'.
MY WIFE CUT ME DOWN TO ONCE
A MONTH..

MY WIFE CUT ME DOWN TO ONCE
A MONTH..
CUT ME DOWN FOR ONCE A MONTH!

A MONTH..
CUT ME DOWN FOR ONCE A MONTH!
OH, I'M LUCKY, TWO GUYS I KNOW,

CUT ME DOWN FOR ONCE A MONTH!
OH, I'M LUCKY, TWO GUYS I KNOW,
SHE CUT OUT COMPLETELY!

OH, I'M LUCKY, TWO GUYS I KNOW,
SHE CUT OUT COMPLETELY!
[LAUGHTER]

SHE CUT OUT COMPLETELY!
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YA', MY WIFE NEVER

[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YA', MY WIFE NEVER
WENT FOR ME, I'M NOT A SEXY GUY.

I'LL TELL YA', MY WIFE NEVER
WENT FOR ME, I'M NOT A SEXY GUY.
I KNOW I'M NOT SEXY.

WENT FOR ME, I'M NOT A SEXY GUY.
I KNOW I'M NOT SEXY.
WHAT, THIS MORNING WHEN I PUT ON

I KNOW I'M NOT SEXY.
WHAT, THIS MORNING WHEN I PUT ON
MY UNDERWEAR, I COULD HEAR THE

WHAT, THIS MORNING WHEN I PUT ON
MY UNDERWEAR, I COULD HEAR THE
FRUIT OF THE LOOM GUYS GIGGLING!

MY UNDERWEAR, I COULD HEAR THE
FRUIT OF THE LOOM GUYS GIGGLING!
[LAUGHTER]

FRUIT OF THE LOOM GUYS GIGGLING!
[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU KIDDING, I KNOW

[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU KIDDING, I KNOW
I'M UGLY.

ARE YOU KIDDING, I KNOW
I'M UGLY.
I STUCK MY HEAD OUT THE WINDOW,

I'M UGLY.
I STUCK MY HEAD OUT THE WINDOW,
GOT ARRESTED FOR MOONING.

I STUCK MY HEAD OUT THE WINDOW,
GOT ARRESTED FOR MOONING.
[LAUGHTER]

GOT ARRESTED FOR MOONING.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I WAS AN UGLY KID TOO.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I WAS AN UGLY KID TOO.
I HAD PLENTY OF PIMPLES.

I WAS AN UGLY KID TOO.
I HAD PLENTY OF PIMPLES.
ONE DAY I FELL ASLEEP IN THE

I HAD PLENTY OF PIMPLES.
ONE DAY I FELL ASLEEP IN THE
LIBRARY, I WOKE UP, A BLIND MAN

ONE DAY I FELL ASLEEP IN THE
LIBRARY, I WOKE UP, A BLIND MAN
WAS READING MY FACE.

LIBRARY, I WOKE UP, A BLIND MAN
WAS READING MY FACE.
[LAUGHTER]

WAS READING MY FACE.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I'LL TELL YA', I WENT

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I'LL TELL YA', I WENT
THROUGH PLENTY!

I'LL TELL YA', I WENT
THROUGH PLENTY!
WHY, THE FIRST TIME

THROUGH PLENTY!
WHY, THE FIRST TIME
I HITCHHIKED, I GOT BEAT UP.

WHY, THE FIRST TIME
I HITCHHIKED, I GOT BEAT UP.
I USED THE WRONG FINGER.

I HITCHHIKED, I GOT BEAT UP.
I USED THE WRONG FINGER.
[LAUGHTER]

I USED THE WRONG FINGER.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THAT'S THE STORY OF MY

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THAT'S THE STORY OF MY
LIFE: NO RESPECT.

WELL, THAT'S THE STORY OF MY
LIFE: NO RESPECT.
I DON'T GET NO RESPECT AT ALL.

LIFE: NO RESPECT.
I DON'T GET NO RESPECT AT ALL.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T GET NO RESPECT AT ALL.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T GET NO RESPECT FROM

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T GET NO RESPECT FROM
ANYONE.

I DON'T GET NO RESPECT FROM
ANYONE.
WELL, LAST CHRISTMAS, MY KID

ANYONE.
WELL, LAST CHRISTMAS, MY KID
WANTED A BB GUN, I GAVE HIM A BB

WELL, LAST CHRISTMAS, MY KID
WANTED A BB GUN, I GAVE HIM A BB
GUN, HE GAVE ME SWEATSHIRT WITH

WANTED A BB GUN, I GAVE HIM A BB
GUN, HE GAVE ME SWEATSHIRT WITH
A BULL'S EYE IN THE BACK.

GUN, HE GAVE ME SWEATSHIRT WITH
A BULL'S EYE IN THE BACK.
[LAUGHTER]

A BULL'S EYE IN THE BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
REAL SMART KID I GOT.

[LAUGHTER]
REAL SMART KID I GOT.
THE OTHER DAY, I TOLD HIM ABOUT

REAL SMART KID I GOT.
THE OTHER DAY, I TOLD HIM ABOUT
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

THE OTHER DAY, I TOLD HIM ABOUT
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.
HE TOLD ME ABOUT MY WIFE

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.
HE TOLD ME ABOUT MY WIFE
AND THE BUTCHER.

HE TOLD ME ABOUT MY WIFE
AND THE BUTCHER.
[LAUGHTER]

AND THE BUTCHER.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YA, MY KID,

[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YA, MY KID,
HE DRIVES ME NUTS.

I'LL TELL YA, MY KID,
HE DRIVES ME NUTS.
HE PUT CRAZY GLUE IN MY

HE DRIVES ME NUTS.
HE PUT CRAZY GLUE IN MY
PREPARATION H.

HE PUT CRAZY GLUE IN MY
PREPARATION H.
[LAUGHTER]

PREPARATION H.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
MY DAUGHTER, SHE'S NO BARGAIN

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
MY DAUGHTER, SHE'S NO BARGAIN
EITHER.

MY DAUGHTER, SHE'S NO BARGAIN
EITHER.
IN PUBLIC SCHOOL, SHE WAS VOTED

EITHER.
IN PUBLIC SCHOOL, SHE WAS VOTED
MOST LIKELY TO CONCEIVE.

IN PUBLIC SCHOOL, SHE WAS VOTED
MOST LIKELY TO CONCEIVE.
[LAUGHTER]

MOST LIKELY TO CONCEIVE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH KIDS

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH KIDS
TODAY, PLAY AROUND TOO YOUNG.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH KIDS
TODAY, PLAY AROUND TOO YOUNG.
OOH, THEY PLAY AROUND YOUNG.

TODAY, PLAY AROUND TOO YOUNG.
OOH, THEY PLAY AROUND YOUNG.
TODAY THEY GOT BIRTH CONTROL

OOH, THEY PLAY AROUND YOUNG.
TODAY THEY GOT BIRTH CONTROL
PILLS SHAPED LIKE

TODAY THEY GOT BIRTH CONTROL
PILLS SHAPED LIKE
FRED FLINTSTONE.

PILLS SHAPED LIKE
FRED FLINTSTONE.
[LAUGHTER]

FRED FLINTSTONE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU TALK TO SOME KIDS, THEY'RE

[LAUGHTER]
YOU TALK TO SOME KIDS, THEY'RE
AFRAID TO HAVE SEX, THEY'RE

YOU TALK TO SOME KIDS, THEY'RE
AFRAID TO HAVE SEX, THEY'RE
SCARED.

AFRAID TO HAVE SEX, THEY'RE
SCARED.
OOH, THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX

SCARED.
OOH, THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX
I WAS SCARED, I WAS SO SCARED.

OOH, THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX
I WAS SCARED, I WAS SO SCARED.
I WAS ALL ALONE.

I WAS SCARED, I WAS SO SCARED.
I WAS ALL ALONE.
[LAUGHTER]

I WAS ALL ALONE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I'LL TELL YA, IT'S TOUGH TO BE

[APPLAUSE]
I'LL TELL YA, IT'S TOUGH TO BE
FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE COMING OFF

I'LL TELL YA, IT'S TOUGH TO BE
FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE COMING OFF
DRUGS, YOU KNOW THAT?

FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE COMING OFF
DRUGS, YOU KNOW THAT?
[LAUGHTER]

DRUGS, YOU KNOW THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
NOW I TRIED MARIJUANA JUST ONCE,

[LAUGHTER]
NOW I TRIED MARIJUANA JUST ONCE,
THAT'S ALL, JUST ONCE.

NOW I TRIED MARIJUANA JUST ONCE,
THAT'S ALL, JUST ONCE.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING,

THAT'S ALL, JUST ONCE.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING,
I WAS ON COCAINE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING,
I WAS ON COCAINE.
[LAUGHTER]

I WAS ON COCAINE.
[LAUGHTER]
SHOW BUSINESS, THAT'S TOUGH TOO,

[LAUGHTER]
SHOW BUSINESS, THAT'S TOUGH TOO,
SHOW BUSINESS.

SHOW BUSINESS, THAT'S TOUGH TOO,
SHOW BUSINESS.
ARE YOU KIDDING, WHAT A RACKET.

SHOW BUSINESS.
ARE YOU KIDDING, WHAT A RACKET.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GO

ARE YOU KIDDING, WHAT A RACKET.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GO
THROUGH IN SHOW BUSINESS.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GO
THROUGH IN SHOW BUSINESS.
SHOW BUSINESS, YOU KNOW?

THROUGH IN SHOW BUSINESS.
SHOW BUSINESS, YOU KNOW?
SOMETIMES I THINK BACK OF ALL

SHOW BUSINESS, YOU KNOW?
SOMETIMES I THINK BACK OF ALL
THE WOMEN I HAD TO SLEEP WITH TO

SOMETIMES I THINK BACK OF ALL
THE WOMEN I HAD TO SLEEP WITH TO
GET WHERE I GOT, YOU KNOW?

THE WOMEN I HAD TO SLEEP WITH TO
GET WHERE I GOT, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET WHERE I GOT, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
ARE YOU KIDDING', IT'S A ROUGH

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
ARE YOU KIDDING', IT'S A ROUGH
RACKET, SHOW BUSINESS.

ARE YOU KIDDING', IT'S A ROUGH
RACKET, SHOW BUSINESS.
EVERY TIME YOU DO A SHOW, YOU

RACKET, SHOW BUSINESS.
EVERY TIME YOU DO A SHOW, YOU
WORRY IF YOU'RE GONNA GET

EVERY TIME YOU DO A SHOW, YOU
WORRY IF YOU'RE GONNA GET
APPLAUSE.

WORRY IF YOU'RE GONNA GET
APPLAUSE.
WELL, I'LL TELL YA, THERE'S

APPLAUSE.
WELL, I'LL TELL YA, THERE'S
SOMETHING TO ME THAT'S MORE

WELL, I'LL TELL YA, THERE'S
SOMETHING TO ME THAT'S MORE
IMPORTANT THAN APPLAUSE.

SOMETHING TO ME THAT'S MORE
IMPORTANT THAN APPLAUSE.
IT MAY MEAN NOTHING TO YOU, BUT

IMPORTANT THAN APPLAUSE.
IT MAY MEAN NOTHING TO YOU, BUT
A LOT TO ME.

IT MAY MEAN NOTHING TO YOU, BUT
A LOT TO ME.
IT'S JUST WHEN I WALK OFF, IF

A LOT TO ME.
IT'S JUST WHEN I WALK OFF, IF
YOU'D ALL JUST GIVE ME ONE OF

IT'S JUST WHEN I WALK OFF, IF
YOU'D ALL JUST GIVE ME ONE OF
THESE.

YOU'D ALL JUST GIVE ME ONE OF
THESE.
[LAUGHTER]

THESE.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, I SEE OTHER GUYS, THEY

[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, I SEE OTHER GUYS, THEY
GOT A LOT OF THESE.

I MEAN, I SEE OTHER GUYS, THEY
GOT A LOT OF THESE.
I NEVER GET ONE OF THESE.

GOT A LOT OF THESE.
I NEVER GET ONE OF THESE.
NOT RIGHT NOW, ON THE WAY OUT.

I NEVER GET ONE OF THESE.
NOT RIGHT NOW, ON THE WAY OUT.
I'M ALWAYS HANGIN' AROUND, A

NOT RIGHT NOW, ON THE WAY OUT.
I'M ALWAYS HANGIN' AROUND, A
LITTLE QUICKIE DON'T MEAN

I'M ALWAYS HANGIN' AROUND, A
LITTLE QUICKIE DON'T MEAN
NOTHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LITTLE QUICKIE DON'T MEAN
NOTHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[LAUGHTER]

NOTHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[LAUGHTER]
'CAUSE I'M THE KIND OF GUY,

[LAUGHTER]
'CAUSE I'M THE KIND OF GUY,
TOMORROW YOU SAY, "OH, THAT GUY

'CAUSE I'M THE KIND OF GUY,
TOMORROW YOU SAY, "OH, THAT GUY
LAST NIGHT WAS ALL RIGHT, I

TOMORROW YOU SAY, "OH, THAT GUY
LAST NIGHT WAS ALL RIGHT, I
SHOULD'VE GIVEN HIM ONE OF

LAST NIGHT WAS ALL RIGHT, I
SHOULD'VE GIVEN HIM ONE OF
THESE, YOU KNOW?"

SHOULD'VE GIVEN HIM ONE OF
THESE, YOU KNOW?"
[LAUGHTER]

THESE, YOU KNOW?"
[LAUGHTER]
EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT SURE, YOU

[LAUGHTER]
EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT SURE, YOU
GIVE ME ONE OF THESE, YOU CAN

EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT SURE, YOU
GIVE ME ONE OF THESE, YOU CAN
ALWAYS TAKE IT RIGHT BACK, IT

GIVE ME ONE OF THESE, YOU CAN
ALWAYS TAKE IT RIGHT BACK, IT
DON'T MEAN NOTHING.

ALWAYS TAKE IT RIGHT BACK, IT
DON'T MEAN NOTHING.
[LAUGHTER]

DON'T MEAN NOTHING.
[LAUGHTER]
JUST WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?

[LAUGHTER]
JUST WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?
OF COURSE, NOTHING.

JUST WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?
OF COURSE, NOTHING.
'CAUSE I GOT NOTHING

OF COURSE, NOTHING.
'CAUSE I GOT NOTHING
GOING FOR ME.

'CAUSE I GOT NOTHING
GOING FOR ME.
I'M NO HANDSOME SINGER WITH

GOING FOR ME.
I'M NO HANDSOME SINGER WITH
GIRLS WAITING WHEN I WALK OFF.

I'M NO HANDSOME SINGER WITH
GIRLS WAITING WHEN I WALK OFF.
WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?

GIRLS WAITING WHEN I WALK OFF.
WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?
FOR WHAT?

WHAT AM I ASKING FOR?
FOR WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]

FOR WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, NOT YOU.

[LAUGHTER]
NO, NOT YOU.
YOU'RE ALL JUST SITTING THERE

NO, NOT YOU.
YOU'RE ALL JUST SITTING THERE
LOOKING AT ME, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE ALL JUST SITTING THERE
LOOKING AT ME, AREN'T YOU?
SITTING THERE LOOKIN',

LOOKING AT ME, AREN'T YOU?
SITTING THERE LOOKIN',
ALL OF YOU.

SITTING THERE LOOKIN',
ALL OF YOU.
SAYING TO YOURSELVES, "HIM?

ALL OF YOU.
SAYING TO YOURSELVES, "HIM?
ONE OF THESE?"

SAYING TO YOURSELVES, "HIM?
ONE OF THESE?"
[LAUGHTER]

ONE OF THESE?"
[LAUGHTER]
"NEVER, NOT HIM, WE KNOW HIM,

[LAUGHTER]
"NEVER, NOT HIM, WE KNOW HIM,
HE'S IN SHOW BUSINESS FOR ONE

"NEVER, NOT HIM, WE KNOW HIM,
HE'S IN SHOW BUSINESS FOR ONE
REASON: GIRLS.

HE'S IN SHOW BUSINESS FOR ONE
REASON: GIRLS.
HE WANTS TO GET GIRLS IN HOTEL

REASON: GIRLS.
HE WANTS TO GET GIRLS IN HOTEL
ROOMS WITH BOOZE AND SWING,

HE WANTS TO GET GIRLS IN HOTEL
ROOMS WITH BOOZE AND SWING,
THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS."

ROOMS WITH BOOZE AND SWING,
THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS."
HOW WRONG YOU COULD BE.

THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS."
HOW WRONG YOU COULD BE.
'CAUSE IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU'D

HOW WRONG YOU COULD BE.
'CAUSE IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU'D
KNOW I'M IN THIS BUSINESS FOR

'CAUSE IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU'D
KNOW I'M IN THIS BUSINESS FOR
ONE REASON: TO EARN ENOUGH MONEY

KNOW I'M IN THIS BUSINESS FOR
ONE REASON: TO EARN ENOUGH MONEY
TO BUY A FARM.

ONE REASON: TO EARN ENOUGH MONEY
TO BUY A FARM.
[LAUGHTER]

TO BUY A FARM.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S ALL I WANT IS A GOOD

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S ALL I WANT IS A GOOD
PIECE OF BUTTER LAND.

THAT'S ALL I WANT IS A GOOD
PIECE OF BUTTER LAND.
I WANT TO SWEAT WITH THE OXEN.

PIECE OF BUTTER LAND.
I WANT TO SWEAT WITH THE OXEN.
AND AT NIGHT, I WANT TO HEAR,

I WANT TO SWEAT WITH THE OXEN.
AND AT NIGHT, I WANT TO HEAR,
"COME AND GET IT, COME AND

AND AT NIGHT, I WANT TO HEAR,
"COME AND GET IT, COME AND
GET IT!"

"COME AND GET IT, COME AND
GET IT!"
OH, THE FARM.

GET IT!"
OH, THE FARM.
I WANT TO FETCH THINGS.

OH, THE FARM.
I WANT TO FETCH THINGS.
[LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO FETCH THINGS.
[LAUGHTER]
I WANT TO PAY MY DOCTOR WITH

[LAUGHTER]
I WANT TO PAY MY DOCTOR WITH
A HOG.

I WANT TO PAY MY DOCTOR WITH
A HOG.
[LAUGHTER]

A HOG.
[LAUGHTER]
I WANT TO LIVE BY THE GOOD BOOK.

[LAUGHTER]
I WANT TO LIVE BY THE GOOD BOOK.
"MY EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF

I WANT TO LIVE BY THE GOOD BOOK.
"MY EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF
THE COMING OF THE LORD."

"MY EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF
THE COMING OF THE LORD."
HOW YA DO, MISS AMY?

THE COMING OF THE LORD."
HOW YA DO, MISS AMY?
OH, THE FARM.

HOW YA DO, MISS AMY?
OH, THE FARM.
I'LL WORK THE FARM WITH MY BARE

OH, THE FARM.
I'LL WORK THE FARM WITH MY BARE
HANDS AND BUILD IT UP.

I'LL WORK THE FARM WITH MY BARE
HANDS AND BUILD IT UP.
AND SOMEDAY, I'LL SELL THE FARM

HANDS AND BUILD IT UP.
AND SOMEDAY, I'LL SELL THE FARM
AT A BIG PROFIT.

AND SOMEDAY, I'LL SELL THE FARM
AT A BIG PROFIT.
AND THEN I'LL GET THE BROADS IN

AT A BIG PROFIT.
AND THEN I'LL GET THE BROADS IN
THE ROOM WITH THE BOOZE...

AND THEN I'LL GET THE BROADS IN
THE ROOM WITH THE BOOZE...
[LAUGHTER]

THE ROOM WITH THE BOOZE...
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT, BACK,

THANK YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT, BACK,
OKAY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT, BACK,
OKAY!
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES...]

Man: THE STOCK MARKET RISES
AND FALLS.
SAVINGS ACCOUNT INTEREST DOESN'T

AND FALLS.
SAVINGS ACCOUNT INTEREST DOESN'T
EVEN KEEP UP WITH INFLATION.

SAVINGS ACCOUNT INTEREST DOESN'T
EVEN KEEP UP WITH INFLATION.
AND STAMPS TAKE YEARS TO

EVEN KEEP UP WITH INFLATION.
AND STAMPS TAKE YEARS TO
COLLECT.

AND STAMPS TAKE YEARS TO
COLLECT.
NOW, FOR THE PERSON WHO IS WISE

COLLECT.
NOW, FOR THE PERSON WHO IS WISE
ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE THE WORLD'S

NOW, FOR THE PERSON WHO IS WISE
ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE THE WORLD'S
FINEST INVESTMENT AND SECURE

ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE THE WORLD'S
FINEST INVESTMENT AND SECURE
ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE TO APOLOGIZE

FINEST INVESTMENT AND SECURE
ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR IT, THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOLD

ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR IT, THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOLD
BOARD INTRODUCES A DISTINGUISHED

FOR IT, THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOLD
BOARD INTRODUCES A DISTINGUISHED
NEW GOLD COIN:

BOARD INTRODUCES A DISTINGUISHED
NEW GOLD COIN:
THE NIGGERAND.

NEW GOLD COIN:
THE NIGGERAND.
[LAUGHTER]

THE NIGGERAND.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS ONE OUNCE, 99.9 PERCENT

[LAUGHTER]
THIS ONE OUNCE, 99.9 PERCENT
FINE GOLD COIN COMMEMORATES THE

THIS ONE OUNCE, 99.9 PERCENT
FINE GOLD COIN COMMEMORATES THE
LABOR OF THOSE WHO MADE IT

FINE GOLD COIN COMMEMORATES THE
LABOR OF THOSE WHO MADE IT
POSSIBLE, WITH THIS

LABOR OF THOSE WHO MADE IT
POSSIBLE, WITH THIS
BEAUTIFULLY-ETCHED PORTRAIT OF

POSSIBLE, WITH THIS
BEAUTIFULLY-ETCHED PORTRAIT OF
AN ACTUAL AFRICAN MINESMAN.

BEAUTIFULLY-ETCHED PORTRAIT OF
AN ACTUAL AFRICAN MINESMAN.
ON THE REVERSE, A

AN ACTUAL AFRICAN MINESMAN.
ON THE REVERSE, A
BEAUTIFULLY-ETCHED MAP WHERE BY

ON THE REVERSE, A
BEAUTIFULLY-ETCHED MAP WHERE BY
LAW, THESE WORKERS ARE ALLOWED

BEAUTIFULLY-ETCHED MAP WHERE BY
LAW, THESE WORKERS ARE ALLOWED
TO LIVE.

LAW, THESE WORKERS ARE ALLOWED
TO LIVE.
[LAUGHTER]

TO LIVE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'LL WANT TO TREASURE YOUR

[LAUGHTER]
YOU'LL WANT TO TREASURE YOUR
NIGGERAND FOR YEARS TO COME

YOU'LL WANT TO TREASURE YOUR
NIGGERAND FOR YEARS TO COME
OR YOU'LL WANT TO BUY AND SELL

NIGGERAND FOR YEARS TO COME
OR YOU'LL WANT TO BUY AND SELL
THEM, JUST LIKE THE PEOPLE

OR YOU'LL WANT TO BUY AND SELL
THEM, JUST LIKE THE PEOPLE
THEY HONOR DO.

THEM, JUST LIKE THE PEOPLE
THEY HONOR DO.
FOR THAT PERFECT PERSON ON

THEY HONOR DO.
FOR THAT PERFECT PERSON ON
YOUR GIFT LIST, THE NIGGERAND IS

FOR THAT PERFECT PERSON ON
YOUR GIFT LIST, THE NIGGERAND IS
AN ESPECIALLY PERFECT WAY OF

YOUR GIFT LIST, THE NIGGERAND IS
AN ESPECIALLY PERFECT WAY OF
EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS

AN ESPECIALLY PERFECT WAY OF
EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS
OF CARING.

EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS
OF CARING.
BECAUSE IT'S THE GIFT THAT KEEPS

OF CARING.
BECAUSE IT'S THE GIFT THAT KEEPS
ON GRINNING.

BECAUSE IT'S THE GIFT THAT KEEPS
ON GRINNING.
[LAUGHTER]

ON GRINNING.
[LAUGHTER]
SO NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME TO

[LAUGHTER]
SO NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME TO
BEGIN YOUR INVESTMENT PROGRAM.

SO NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME TO
BEGIN YOUR INVESTMENT PROGRAM.
WHY NOT VISIT YOUR SELECTED BANK

BEGIN YOUR INVESTMENT PROGRAM.
WHY NOT VISIT YOUR SELECTED BANK
OR BROKERAGE HOUSE AND PUT YOUR

WHY NOT VISIT YOUR SELECTED BANK
OR BROKERAGE HOUSE AND PUT YOUR
FUTURE IN NIGGERANDS?

OR BROKERAGE HOUSE AND PUT YOUR
FUTURE IN NIGGERANDS?
BECAUSE EVEN THE COLOR BLIND

FUTURE IN NIGGERANDS?
BECAUSE EVEN THE COLOR BLIND
CAN SEE GOLD.

BECAUSE EVEN THE COLOR BLIND
CAN SEE GOLD.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

CAN SEE GOLD.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Man: I'M TELLING YOU, THIS

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Man: I'M TELLING YOU, THIS
IS A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY.

Man: I'M TELLING YOU, THIS
IS A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY.
I AM NOT STERILE.

IS A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY.
I AM NOT STERILE.
YOU'RE BARREN!

I AM NOT STERILE.
YOU'RE BARREN!
NOW, DON'T BE DEFENSIVE,

YOU'RE BARREN!
NOW, DON'T BE DEFENSIVE,
HONEY.

NOW, DON'T BE DEFENSIVE,
HONEY.
I MEAN, DR. RAYBURN

HONEY.
I MEAN, DR. RAYBURN
DID REPORT THAT YOU HAD

I MEAN, DR. RAYBURN
DID REPORT THAT YOU HAD
A ZERO SPERM COUNT.

DID REPORT THAT YOU HAD
A ZERO SPERM COUNT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

A ZERO SPERM COUNT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
HOW CAN IT BE ZERO?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
HOW CAN IT BE ZERO?
GOD, I HATE TO GO SHOPPING

HOW CAN IT BE ZERO?
GOD, I HATE TO GO SHOPPING
WITH YOU.

GOD, I HATE TO GO SHOPPING
WITH YOU.
[PHONE RINGING]

WITH YOU.
[PHONE RINGING]
DR. SHOCKLEY'S HOUSE

[PHONE RINGING]
DR. SHOCKLEY'S HOUSE
OF SPERM.

DR. SHOCKLEY'S HOUSE
OF SPERM.
[LAUGHTER]

OF SPERM.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, WE'RE OPEN 24 HOURS.

[LAUGHTER]
NO, WE'RE OPEN 24 HOURS.
JUST BRING IN AN A RECENT

NO, WE'RE OPEN 24 HOURS.
JUST BRING IN AN A RECENT
IQ TEST OR AN S.A.T. TEST,

JUST BRING IN AN A RECENT
IQ TEST OR AN S.A.T. TEST,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IQ TEST OR AN S.A.T. TEST,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WELL, THANK YOU.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WELL, THANK YOU.
GOODBYE.

WELL, THANK YOU.
GOODBYE.
HELLO, UM...

GOODBYE.
HELLO, UM...
MY HUSBAND AND I WOULD LIKE

HELLO, UM...
MY HUSBAND AND I WOULD LIKE
TO HAVE A CHILD,

MY HUSBAND AND I WOULD LIKE
TO HAVE A CHILD,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

TO HAVE A CHILD,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
MY HUSBAND IS STERILE.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
MY HUSBAND IS STERILE.
HONEY, I'M NOT STERILE.

MY HUSBAND IS STERILE.
HONEY, I'M NOT STERILE.
WELL, IN ANY CASE,

HONEY, I'M NOT STERILE.
WELL, IN ANY CASE,
WE HAVE A PROBLEM, AND WE'RE

WELL, IN ANY CASE,
WE HAVE A PROBLEM, AND WE'RE
UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN,

WE HAVE A PROBLEM, AND WE'RE
UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN,
AND WE THOUGHT WE'D TRY THE

UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN,
AND WE THOUGHT WE'D TRY THE
HOUSE OF SPERM.

AND WE THOUGHT WE'D TRY THE
HOUSE OF SPERM.
WELL, YOU'VE COME TO

HOUSE OF SPERM.
WELL, YOU'VE COME TO
THE RIGHT PLACE.

WELL, YOU'VE COME TO
THE RIGHT PLACE.
BY FAR, WE HAVE THE WIDEST

THE RIGHT PLACE.
BY FAR, WE HAVE THE WIDEST
SELECTION.

BY FAR, WE HAVE THE WIDEST
SELECTION.
I MEAN, MUCH MORE THAN

SELECTION.
I MEAN, MUCH MORE THAN
GIZZ WORLD OR JELLY BARN OR

I MEAN, MUCH MORE THAN
GIZZ WORLD OR JELLY BARN OR
ANY OF THOSE PLACES.

GIZZ WORLD OR JELLY BARN OR
ANY OF THOSE PLACES.
[LAUGHTER]

ANY OF THOSE PLACES.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
WELL, UH...

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
WELL, UH...
ASSUMING FOR THE MOMENT THAT

WELL, UH...
ASSUMING FOR THE MOMENT THAT
I WERE, UH... STERILE.

ASSUMING FOR THE MOMENT THAT
I WERE, UH... STERILE.
WHAT, UH...

I WERE, UH... STERILE.
WHAT, UH...
AND WE DID, YOU KNOW,

WHAT, UH...
AND WE DID, YOU KNOW,
NEED YOUR PRODUCT,

AND WE DID, YOU KNOW,
NEED YOUR PRODUCT,
WHAT DONOR WOULD

NEED YOUR PRODUCT,
WHAT DONOR WOULD
YOU RECOMMEND?

WHAT DONOR WOULD
YOU RECOMMEND?
CONSIDER A...

YOU RECOMMEND?
CONSIDER A...
A NOBEL PRIZE WINNER,

CONSIDER A...
A NOBEL PRIZE WINNER,
FOR EXAMPLE.

A NOBEL PRIZE WINNER,
FOR EXAMPLE.
WE'VE GOT SOME

FOR EXAMPLE.
WE'VE GOT SOME
LINUS PAULING HERE.

WE'VE GOT SOME
LINUS PAULING HERE.
OH?

LINUS PAULING HERE.
OH?
MAYBE, MAYBE, YEAH.

OH?
MAYBE, MAYBE, YEAH.
YEAH, AN ATHLETIC KIND OF

MAYBE, MAYBE, YEAH.
YEAH, AN ATHLETIC KIND OF
THING IN MIND, WE'VE GOT

YEAH, AN ATHLETIC KIND OF
THING IN MIND, WE'VE GOT
ERIC HYDEN RIGHT HERE.

THING IN MIND, WE'VE GOT
ERIC HYDEN RIGHT HERE.
[LAUGHTER]

ERIC HYDEN RIGHT HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE'S A VERY POPULAR NUMBER.

[LAUGHTER]
HERE'S A VERY POPULAR NUMBER.
IT'S VERY POPULAR.

HERE'S A VERY POPULAR NUMBER.
IT'S VERY POPULAR.
THIS IS THE U.S. OLYMPIC

IT'S VERY POPULAR.
THIS IS THE U.S. OLYMPIC
HOCKEY TEAM.

THIS IS THE U.S. OLYMPIC
HOCKEY TEAM.
[LAUGHTER]

HOCKEY TEAM.
[LAUGHTER]
STEVE RAMSEY, THE WHOLE GANG.

[LAUGHTER]
STEVE RAMSEY, THE WHOLE GANG.
HMM... HMM...

STEVE RAMSEY, THE WHOLE GANG.
HMM... HMM...
UH, YOU KNOW,

HMM... HMM...
UH, YOU KNOW,
WE WERE TALKING ON THE WAY OVER

UH, YOU KNOW,
WE WERE TALKING ON THE WAY OVER
HERE, AND WE THOUGHT MAYBE IT'D

WE WERE TALKING ON THE WAY OVER
HERE, AND WE THOUGHT MAYBE IT'D
BE NICE TO HAVE A CHILD WITH A

HERE, AND WE THOUGHT MAYBE IT'D
BE NICE TO HAVE A CHILD WITH A
REALLY GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

BE NICE TO HAVE A CHILD WITH A
REALLY GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
YOU WOULDN'T, BY ANY CHANCE,

REALLY GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
YOU WOULDN'T, BY ANY CHANCE,
HAVE ANY RODNEY DANGERFIELD?

YOU WOULDN'T, BY ANY CHANCE,
HAVE ANY RODNEY DANGERFIELD?
OH, YES, VERY POPULAR ITEM.

HAVE ANY RODNEY DANGERFIELD?
OH, YES, VERY POPULAR ITEM.
LET ME SEE HERE.

OH, YES, VERY POPULAR ITEM.
LET ME SEE HERE.
OH... OOH.

LET ME SEE HERE.
OH... OOH.
WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT WE'RE ALL

OH... OOH.
WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT WE'RE ALL
OUT OF RODNEY DANGERFIELD

WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT WE'RE ALL
OUT OF RODNEY DANGERFIELD
RIGHT NOW.

OUT OF RODNEY DANGERFIELD
RIGHT NOW.
BUT, ACTUALLY, IF YOU COULD COME

RIGHT NOW.
BUT, ACTUALLY, IF YOU COULD COME
BACK TOMORROW, I COULD REORDER.

BUT, ACTUALLY, IF YOU COULD COME
BACK TOMORROW, I COULD REORDER.
OH, I DON'T KNOW,

BACK TOMORROW, I COULD REORDER.
OH, I DON'T KNOW,
WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW,
WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
WELL, WAIT, JUST A SECOND.

WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
WELL, WAIT, JUST A SECOND.
PERHAPS, IF YOU'LL JUST WAIT

WELL, WAIT, JUST A SECOND.
PERHAPS, IF YOU'LL JUST WAIT
AROUND FOR ONE OR TWO MINUTES,

PERHAPS, IF YOU'LL JUST WAIT
AROUND FOR ONE OR TWO MINUTES,
I'LL GO IN THE BACK AND CHECK

AROUND FOR ONE OR TWO MINUTES,
I'LL GO IN THE BACK AND CHECK
THE STOCKROOM, MAYBE THERE'S

I'LL GO IN THE BACK AND CHECK
THE STOCKROOM, MAYBE THERE'S
SOME RODNEY DANGERFIELD BACK

THE STOCKROOM, MAYBE THERE'S
SOME RODNEY DANGERFIELD BACK
THERE, OKAY?

SOME RODNEY DANGERFIELD BACK
THERE, OKAY?
OKAY, THANK YOU.

THERE, OKAY?
OKAY, THANK YOU.
OKAY, MR. DANGERFIELD,

OKAY, THANK YOU.
OKAY, MR. DANGERFIELD,
THANKS FOR FILLING THOSE ORDERS,

OKAY, MR. DANGERFIELD,
THANKS FOR FILLING THOSE ORDERS,
THERE'S YOUR CHECK.

THANKS FOR FILLING THOSE ORDERS,
THERE'S YOUR CHECK.
OKAY, NO PROBLEM, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S YOUR CHECK.
OKAY, NO PROBLEM, YOU KNOW?
HI, RODNEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

OKAY, NO PROBLEM, YOU KNOW?
HI, RODNEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, OKAY, YOU KNOW.

HI, RODNEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, OKAY, YOU KNOW.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT

OH, OKAY, YOU KNOW.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT
UH... YOU DON'T SUPPOSE YOU

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT
UH... YOU DON'T SUPPOSE YOU
COULD, UH...

UH... YOU DON'T SUPPOSE YOU
COULD, UH...
OH, NO, NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE.

COULD, UH...
OH, NO, NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE.
ARE YOU KIDDING?

OH, NO, NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I CAN'T MAKE IT, FORGET ABOUT

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I CAN'T MAKE IT, FORGET ABOUT
IT, WILL YA?

I CAN'T MAKE IT, FORGET ABOUT
IT, WILL YA?
NOT AGAIN.

IT, WILL YA?
NOT AGAIN.
RODNEY, RODNEY, RODNEY...

NOT AGAIN.
RODNEY, RODNEY, RODNEY...
THEY'RE SELLING LIKE HOTCAKES!

RODNEY, RODNEY, RODNEY...
THEY'RE SELLING LIKE HOTCAKES!
I MEAN, PEOPLE JUST WANT FUNNY

THEY'RE SELLING LIKE HOTCAKES!
I MEAN, PEOPLE JUST WANT FUNNY
KIDS NOWADAYS.

I MEAN, PEOPLE JUST WANT FUNNY
KIDS NOWADAYS.
BUT I CAN'T, I'M NOT A KID

KIDS NOWADAYS.
BUT I CAN'T, I'M NOT A KID
ANY MORE, I'M GETTING OLD.

BUT I CAN'T, I'M NOT A KID
ANY MORE, I'M GETTING OLD.
ARE YOU KIDDING?

ANY MORE, I'M GETTING OLD.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M AT THE AGE NOW, IF I

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M AT THE AGE NOW, IF I
SQUEEZE INTO A PARKING PLACE,

I'M AT THE AGE NOW, IF I
SQUEEZE INTO A PARKING PLACE,
I'M SEXUALLY SATISFIED.

SQUEEZE INTO A PARKING PLACE,
I'M SEXUALLY SATISFIED.
ARE YOU KIDDING, I'M OLD!

I'M SEXUALLY SATISFIED.
ARE YOU KIDDING, I'M OLD!
WHY, IN MY BACK YARD, I GOT A

ARE YOU KIDDING, I'M OLD!
WHY, IN MY BACK YARD, I GOT A
KIDNEY-SHAPED POOL WITH A STONE

WHY, IN MY BACK YARD, I GOT A
KIDNEY-SHAPED POOL WITH A STONE
IN IT, ARE YOU KIDDING?

KIDNEY-SHAPED POOL WITH A STONE
IN IT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
IT'S ROUGH.

IN IT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
IT'S ROUGH.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY, RODNEY.

IT'S ROUGH.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY, RODNEY.
BUT I'LL TELL YA, THERE WOULD

THAT'S VERY FUNNY, RODNEY.
BUT I'LL TELL YA, THERE WOULD
BE SO MUCH APPRECIATION,

BUT I'LL TELL YA, THERE WOULD
BE SO MUCH APPRECIATION,
AND... AND... AND...

BE SO MUCH APPRECIATION,
AND... AND... AND...
AFFECTION, AND...

AND... AND... AND...
AFFECTION, AND...
HEY, RESPECT TOO.

AFFECTION, AND...
HEY, RESPECT TOO.
WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT FOR YOU?

HEY, RESPECT TOO.
WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT FOR YOU?
RESPECT FROM THE UNBORN

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT FOR YOU?
RESPECT FROM THE UNBORN
GENERATIONS OF THE FUTURE,

RESPECT FROM THE UNBORN
GENERATIONS OF THE FUTURE,
IF YOU WOULD, HOW ABOUT IT?

GENERATIONS OF THE FUTURE,
IF YOU WOULD, HOW ABOUT IT?
WELL, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.

IF YOU WOULD, HOW ABOUT IT?
WELL, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
AH, THANKS A LOT, RODNEY.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
AH, THANKS A LOT, RODNEY.
WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

AH, THANKS A LOT, RODNEY.
WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
HERE YOU GO, MR. DANGERFIELD.

WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
HERE YOU GO, MR. DANGERFIELD.
HEY, YOU'RE AN OPTIMIST,

HERE YOU GO, MR. DANGERFIELD.
HEY, YOU'RE AN OPTIMIST,
AREN'T YOU?

HEY, YOU'RE AN OPTIMIST,
AREN'T YOU?
[LAUGHTER]

AREN'T YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YEAH, THANKS.

[LAUGHTER]
OH, YEAH, THANKS.
THANKS A LOT.

OH, YEAH, THANKS.
THANKS A LOT.
ON THE OTHER HAND,

THANKS A LOT.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IF YOU'D LIKE TO RECONSIDER,

ON THE OTHER HAND,
IF YOU'D LIKE TO RECONSIDER,
WE'RE HAVING A SALE ON THE

IF YOU'D LIKE TO RECONSIDER,
WE'RE HAVING A SALE ON THE
DAVID SUSSKIND IF YOU CHANGE

WE'RE HAVING A SALE ON THE
DAVID SUSSKIND IF YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND.

DAVID SUSSKIND IF YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND.
NO, NO, WE DON'T THINK SO.

YOUR MIND.
NO, NO, WE DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, IT'S A GREAT BARGAIN.

NO, NO, WE DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, IT'S A GREAT BARGAIN.
YOU REALLY OUGHTTA CONSIDER IT.

WELL, IT'S A GREAT BARGAIN.
YOU REALLY OUGHTTA CONSIDER IT.
DAVID SUSSKIND.

YOU REALLY OUGHTTA CONSIDER IT.
DAVID SUSSKIND.
NO, WE REALLY DON'T

DAVID SUSSKIND.
NO, WE REALLY DON'T
MUCH CARE FOR DAVID SUSSKIND.

NO, WE REALLY DON'T
MUCH CARE FOR DAVID SUSSKIND.
YEAH, WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT

MUCH CARE FOR DAVID SUSSKIND.
YEAH, WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT
IT, THEN, HECK, GIVE IT A TRY.

YEAH, WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT
IT, THEN, HECK, GIVE IT A TRY.
IF THE CHILD DOESN'T WORK,

IT, THEN, HECK, GIVE IT A TRY.
IF THE CHILD DOESN'T WORK,
BRING IT BACK AND

IF THE CHILD DOESN'T WORK,
BRING IT BACK AND
WE'LL PUT IT TO SLEEP FOR YA.

BRING IT BACK AND
WE'LL PUT IT TO SLEEP FOR YA.
[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL PUT IT TO SLEEP FOR YA.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, WE WANT RODNEY

[LAUGHTER]
NO, WE WANT RODNEY
DANGERFIELD!

NO, WE WANT RODNEY
DANGERFIELD!
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

DANGERFIELD!
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL HAVE THE RODNEY

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL HAVE THE RODNEY
DANGERFIELD FOR YOU IN JUST

WE'LL HAVE THE RODNEY
DANGERFIELD FOR YOU IN JUST
A SECOND, HOW'S THAT?

DANGERFIELD FOR YOU IN JUST
A SECOND, HOW'S THAT?
ALL RIGHT?

A SECOND, HOW'S THAT?
ALL RIGHT?
HOW YOU DOING IN THERE

ALL RIGHT?
HOW YOU DOING IN THERE
MR. DANGERFIELD,

HOW YOU DOING IN THERE
MR. DANGERFIELD,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

MR. DANGERFIELD,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
LOOK, IF YOU KEEP ON

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
LOOK, IF YOU KEEP ON
INTERRUPTING ME, WE'LL

LOOK, IF YOU KEEP ON
INTERRUPTING ME, WE'LL
NEVER GET ANYWHERE!

INTERRUPTING ME, WE'LL
NEVER GET ANYWHERE!
[LAUGHTER]

NEVER GET ANYWHERE!
[LAUGHTER]
OH, HI.

[LAUGHTER]
OH, HI.
GOOD AFTERNOON.

OH, HI.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
CAN I HELP YOU?

GOOD AFTERNOON.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, YOU GOT ANY

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, YOU GOT ANY
PAUL ROBESON?

YEAH, YOU GOT ANY
PAUL ROBESON?
UH, NO, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T.

PAUL ROBESON?
UH, NO, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T.
WELL, HOW ABOUT ABOUT SOME

UH, NO, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T.
WELL, HOW ABOUT ABOUT SOME
ANDREW YOUNG?

WELL, HOW ABOUT ABOUT SOME
ANDREW YOUNG?
UH... NO, SORRY.

ANDREW YOUNG?
UH... NO, SORRY.
UH... YEAH, WILLIE MAYS?

UH... NO, SORRY.
UH... YEAH, WILLIE MAYS?
YOU GOT WILLY MAYS IN THERE?

UH... YEAH, WILLIE MAYS?
YOU GOT WILLY MAYS IN THERE?
WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT

YOU GOT WILLY MAYS IN THERE?
WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT
DR. SHOCKLEY DOESN'T STOCK

WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT
DR. SHOCKLEY DOESN'T STOCK
EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND.

DR. SHOCKLEY DOESN'T STOCK
EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND.
BUT THE CLOSEST WE CAN GET FOR

EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND.
BUT THE CLOSEST WE CAN GET FOR
YOU IS, UH... TONY ORLANDO.

BUT THE CLOSEST WE CAN GET FOR
YOU IS, UH... TONY ORLANDO.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN...

YOU IS, UH... TONY ORLANDO.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN...
THE BEST THING FOR YOU THEN,

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN...
THE BEST THING FOR YOU THEN,
THE BEST BET WOULD BE, UH...

THE BEST THING FOR YOU THEN,
THE BEST BET WOULD BE, UH...
THE MYSTERY BIN.

THE BEST BET WOULD BE, UH...
THE MYSTERY BIN.
THE MYSTERY BIN?

THE MYSTERY BIN.
THE MYSTERY BIN?
WHAT'S THAT?

THE MYSTERY BIN?
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S JUST WHAT IT SAYS.

WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S JUST WHAT IT SAYS.
IT'S A MYSTERY BIN.

IT'S JUST WHAT IT SAYS.
IT'S A MYSTERY BIN.
I MEAN, IT COULD BE ANYBODY IN

IT'S A MYSTERY BIN.
I MEAN, IT COULD BE ANYBODY IN
THERE, FROM A BUM TO A PRESIDENT

I MEAN, IT COULD BE ANYBODY IN
THERE, FROM A BUM TO A PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES- AND THERE

THERE, FROM A BUM TO A PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES- AND THERE
IS ONE IN THERE.

OF THE UNITED STATES- AND THERE
IS ONE IN THERE.
UHH...

IS ONE IN THERE.
UHH...
IT'S THE BEST BARGAIN

UHH...
IT'S THE BEST BARGAIN
IN THE HOUSE!

IT'S THE BEST BARGAIN
IN THE HOUSE!
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

IN THE HOUSE!
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
IT SOUNDS A LITTLE RISKY TO ME,

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
IT SOUNDS A LITTLE RISKY TO ME,
MAN.

IT SOUNDS A LITTLE RISKY TO ME,
MAN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

MAN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE NO

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE NO
BROTHERS HERE, WHO IS THAT

SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE NO
BROTHERS HERE, WHO IS THAT
WHITE DUDE, YOU KNOW THE ONE

BROTHERS HERE, WHO IS THAT
WHITE DUDE, YOU KNOW THE ONE
THAT DON'T GET NO RESPECT?

WHITE DUDE, YOU KNOW THE ONE
THAT DON'T GET NO RESPECT?
OH, RODNEY...

THAT DON'T GET NO RESPECT?
OH, RODNEY...
RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

OH, RODNEY...
RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
YEAH, YOU GOT HIM?

RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
YEAH, YOU GOT HIM?
UH...

YEAH, YOU GOT HIM?
UH...
NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

UH...
NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR, THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR, THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
WE WERE HERE FIRST.

FOR, THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
WE WERE HERE FIRST.
WELL, NOW, PLEASE, PLEASE,

WE WERE HERE FIRST.
WELL, NOW, PLEASE, PLEASE,
LET'S NOT GET EXCITED.

WELL, NOW, PLEASE, PLEASE,
LET'S NOT GET EXCITED.
THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF RODNEY

LET'S NOT GET EXCITED.
THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF RODNEY
DANGERFIELD TO GO AROUND.

THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF RODNEY
DANGERFIELD TO GO AROUND.
LET ME, UH...

DANGERFIELD TO GO AROUND.
LET ME, UH...
I'LL CHECK ON THAT RIGHT NOW.

LET ME, UH...
I'LL CHECK ON THAT RIGHT NOW.
I'LL BE...

I'LL CHECK ON THAT RIGHT NOW.
I'LL BE...
HEY, IS THERE ANY WAY TO TURN

I'LL BE...
HEY, IS THERE ANY WAY TO TURN
THE LIGHTS ON IN HERE?

HEY, IS THERE ANY WAY TO TURN
THE LIGHTS ON IN HERE?
UH, NO, I'M SORRY,

THE LIGHTS ON IN HERE?
UH, NO, I'M SORRY,
MR. DANGERFIELD.

UH, NO, I'M SORRY,
MR. DANGERFIELD.
BUILDING REGULATIONS.

MR. DANGERFIELD.
BUILDING REGULATIONS.
HOW YOU DOING IN THERE,

BUILDING REGULATIONS.
HOW YOU DOING IN THERE,
RODNEY?

HOW YOU DOING IN THERE,
RODNEY?
HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK,

RODNEY?
HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK,
WILL YA?

HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK,
WILL YA?
A FEW MORE MINUTES, OKAY?

WILL YA?
A FEW MORE MINUTES, OKAY?
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.

A FEW MORE MINUTES, OKAY?
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.
RODNEY, I HATE TO REORDER

I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.
RODNEY, I HATE TO REORDER
AGAIN, BUT COULD YA?

RODNEY, I HATE TO REORDER
AGAIN, BUT COULD YA?
OH, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

AGAIN, BUT COULD YA?
OH, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
ARE YOU KIDDING?

OH, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I CAN'T, NO WAY, NO WAY.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I CAN'T, NO WAY, NO WAY.
YOU KIDDING?

I CAN'T, NO WAY, NO WAY.
YOU KIDDING?
IT CAN'T BE DONE.

YOU KIDDING?
IT CAN'T BE DONE.
BUT RODNEY, THIS IS VERY

IT CAN'T BE DONE.
BUT RODNEY, THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT.

BUT RODNEY, THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT.
THESE ARE OUR FIRST BLACK

IMPORTANT.
THESE ARE OUR FIRST BLACK
CUSTOMERS.

THESE ARE OUR FIRST BLACK
CUSTOMERS.
I'M TELLING YA,

CUSTOMERS.
I'M TELLING YA,
YOU'RE GONNA KILL THE GOOSE

I'M TELLING YA,
YOU'RE GONNA KILL THE GOOSE
THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGG.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL THE GOOSE
THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGG.
I'M TELLING YOU THAT RIGHT NOW!

THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGG.
I'M TELLING YOU THAT RIGHT NOW!
[LAUGHTER]

I'M TELLING YOU THAT RIGHT NOW!
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
THANKS, RODNEY, FOR TRYING.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
THANKS, RODNEY, FOR TRYING.
MR. DANGERFIELD?

THANKS, RODNEY, FOR TRYING.
MR. DANGERFIELD?
WOULD IT HELP IF I PLAYED

MR. DANGERFIELD?
WOULD IT HELP IF I PLAYED
A LITTLE MUSIC?

WOULD IT HELP IF I PLAYED
A LITTLE MUSIC?
HOW ABOUT A BOLERO?

A LITTLE MUSIC?
HOW ABOUT A BOLERO?
WE'VE BEEN WAITING HERE

HOW ABOUT A BOLERO?
WE'VE BEEN WAITING HERE
FOR AT LEAST 20 MINUTES.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING HERE
FOR AT LEAST 20 MINUTES.
I'M REALLY SORRY.

FOR AT LEAST 20 MINUTES.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M SORRY!

I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M SORRY!
PLEASE DON'T...

I'M SORRY!
PLEASE DON'T...
NO, IT'S COMING.

PLEASE DON'T...
NO, IT'S COMING.
PLEASE, IT WON'T BE LONG.

NO, IT'S COMING.
PLEASE, IT WON'T BE LONG.
CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

PLEASE, IT WON'T BE LONG.
CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU
MIGHT, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE SOME

YES, WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU
MIGHT, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE SOME
RODNEY DANGERFIELD?

MIGHT, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE SOME
RODNEY DANGERFIELD?
UH...

RODNEY DANGERFIELD?
UH...
US TOO!

UH...
US TOO!
NOW WE CALLED YESTERDAY!

US TOO!
NOW WE CALLED YESTERDAY!
IF THERE'S ANY RODNEY

NOW WE CALLED YESTERDAY!
IF THERE'S ANY RODNEY
DANGERFIELD, WE SHOULD GET IT!

IF THERE'S ANY RODNEY
DANGERFIELD, WE SHOULD GET IT!
PLEASE, PLEASE!

DANGERFIELD, WE SHOULD GET IT!
PLEASE, PLEASE!
I'M GONNA SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

PLEASE, PLEASE!
I'M GONNA SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
I'LL TRY TO GET THE

I'M GONNA SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
I'LL TRY TO GET THE
DANGERFIELD FOR YOU!

I'LL TRY TO GET THE
DANGERFIELD FOR YOU!
YOU'LL HAVE TO UNDERSTAND!

DANGERFIELD FOR YOU!
YOU'LL HAVE TO UNDERSTAND!
UH... RODNEY!

YOU'LL HAVE TO UNDERSTAND!
UH... RODNEY!
RODNEY, I HATE TO ASK YOU THIS,

UH... RODNEY!
RODNEY, I HATE TO ASK YOU THIS,
BUT COULD YOU?

RODNEY, I HATE TO ASK YOU THIS,
BUT COULD YOU?
I CAN'T, I CAN'T!

BUT COULD YOU?
I CAN'T, I CAN'T!
FORGET ABOUT IT, I CAN'T!

I CAN'T, I CAN'T!
FORGET ABOUT IT, I CAN'T!
I CAN'T!

FORGET ABOUT IT, I CAN'T!
I CAN'T!
RODNEY, RODNEY!

I CAN'T!
RODNEY, RODNEY!
RODNEY, WAKE UP!

RODNEY, RODNEY!
RODNEY, WAKE UP!
FORGET ABOUT IT, I CAN'T!

RODNEY, WAKE UP!
FORGET ABOUT IT, I CAN'T!
DREAMING, OH, THANK GOD!

FORGET ABOUT IT, I CAN'T!
DREAMING, OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD!

DREAMING, OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD!
AWW...

THANK GOD!
AWW...
NOW LET'S TURN OFF THE LIGHTS

AWW...
NOW LET'S TURN OFF THE LIGHTS
AND GIVE ME A KISS.

NOW LET'S TURN OFF THE LIGHTS
AND GIVE ME A KISS.
OH, I CAN'T, I CAN'T!

AND GIVE ME A KISS.
OH, I CAN'T, I CAN'T!
I TELLING YOU, I CAN'T!

OH, I CAN'T, I CAN'T!
I TELLING YOU, I CAN'T!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I TELLING YOU, I CAN'T!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE J. GEILS BAND!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THE J. GEILS BAND!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

♪ YOU LOVE HER
BUT SHE LOVES HIM ♪
♪ AND HE LOVES SOMEBODY ELSE

BUT SHE LOVES HIM ♪
♪ AND HE LOVES SOMEBODY ELSE
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN ♪

♪ AND HE LOVES SOMEBODY ELSE
YOU JUST CAN'T WIN ♪
♪ AND SO IT GOES

YOU JUST CAN'T WIN ♪
♪ AND SO IT GOES
TILL THE DAY YOU DIE ♪

♪ AND SO IT GOES
TILL THE DAY YOU DIE ♪
♪ THIS THING THEY CALL LOVE

TILL THE DAY YOU DIE ♪
♪ THIS THING THEY CALL LOVE
IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU CRY ♪

♪ THIS THING THEY CALL LOVE
IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU CRY ♪
♪ I'VE HAD THE BLUES

IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU CRY ♪
♪ I'VE HAD THE BLUES
THE REDS AND THE PINKS ♪

♪ I'VE HAD THE BLUES
THE REDS AND THE PINKS ♪
♪ ONE THING FOR SURE

THE REDS AND THE PINKS ♪
♪ ONE THING FOR SURE
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ ONE THING FOR SURE
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH ♪

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TWO BY TWO AND SIDE BY SIDE

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TWO BY TWO AND SIDE BY SIDE
LOVE'S GONNA FIND YOU,

♪ TWO BY TWO AND SIDE BY SIDE
LOVE'S GONNA FIND YOU,
YES, IT IS

LOVE'S GONNA FIND YOU,
YES, IT IS
YOU JUST CAN'T HIDE ♪

YES, IT IS
YOU JUST CAN'T HIDE ♪
♪ YOU'LL HEAR IT CALL

YOU JUST CAN'T HIDE ♪
♪ YOU'LL HEAR IT CALL
YOUR HEART WILL FALL ♪

♪ YOU'LL HEAR IT CALL
YOUR HEART WILL FALL ♪
♪ THEN LOVE WILL FLY

YOUR HEART WILL FALL ♪
♪ THEN LOVE WILL FLY
GOODBYE, THAT'S ALL ♪

♪ THEN LOVE WILL FLY
GOODBYE, THAT'S ALL ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE

GOODBYE, THAT'S ALL ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE
FOR ANY CASANOVA THING ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE
FOR ANY CASANOVA THING ♪
♪ ALL I CAN SAY IS

FOR ANY CASANOVA THING ♪
♪ ALL I CAN SAY IS
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ ALL I CAN SAY IS
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THROUGH DIAMONDS
I'VE BEEN THROUGH MINKS ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT ALL

I'VE BEEN THROUGH MINKS ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT ALL
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT ALL
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪

♪ LOVE STINKS, YEAH, YEAH
LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS ♪

LOVE STINKS ♪
♪ LOVE STINKS ♪
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE", WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE", WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT: IN THE

HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT: IN THE
WAKE OF A CONTROVERSY OVER OUR

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT: IN THE
WAKE OF A CONTROVERSY OVER OUR
U.N. VOTE ON THE WEST BANK, AN

WAKE OF A CONTROVERSY OVER OUR
U.N. VOTE ON THE WEST BANK, AN
EMBARRASSED PRESIDENT CARTER

U.N. VOTE ON THE WEST BANK, AN
EMBARRASSED PRESIDENT CARTER
TRIED TO PLACATE THE JEWISH

EMBARRASSED PRESIDENT CARTER
TRIED TO PLACATE THE JEWISH
COMMUNITY TODAY.

TRIED TO PLACATE THE JEWISH
COMMUNITY TODAY.
CARTER ISSUED STILL ANOTHER

COMMUNITY TODAY.
CARTER ISSUED STILL ANOTHER
APOLOGY, AND ANNOUNCED THAT HE

CARTER ISSUED STILL ANOTHER
APOLOGY, AND ANNOUNCED THAT HE
WILL ALLOW THE BUILDING OF

APOLOGY, AND ANNOUNCED THAT HE
WILL ALLOW THE BUILDING OF
ISRAELI SETTLEMENTS ON THE

WILL ALLOW THE BUILDING OF
ISRAELI SETTLEMENTS ON THE
WHITE HOUSE LAWN.

ISRAELI SETTLEMENTS ON THE
WHITE HOUSE LAWN.
[LAUGHTER]

WHITE HOUSE LAWN.
[LAUGHTER]
INTERVIEWED IN PARIS, FORMER

[LAUGHTER]
INTERVIEWED IN PARIS, FORMER
PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON

INTERVIEWED IN PARIS, FORMER
PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON
COMMENTED ON SECRETARY OF STATE

PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON
COMMENTED ON SECRETARY OF STATE
CYRUS VANCE'S TAKING

COMMENTED ON SECRETARY OF STATE
CYRUS VANCE'S TAKING
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE

CYRUS VANCE'S TAKING
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE
U.N. FIASCO.

RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE
U.N. FIASCO.
HE SAID, "IF I HAD MADE HENRY

U.N. FIASCO.
HE SAID, "IF I HAD MADE HENRY
KISSINGER DO THAT, HE WOULD

HE SAID, "IF I HAD MADE HENRY
KISSINGER DO THAT, HE WOULD
HAVE RESIGNED."

KISSINGER DO THAT, HE WOULD
HAVE RESIGNED."
REACHED FOR REACTION,

HAVE RESIGNED."
REACHED FOR REACTION,
KISSINGER REPORTEDLY ANSWERED,

REACHED FOR REACTION,
KISSINGER REPORTEDLY ANSWERED,
"PRESIDENT NIXON TRIED TO MAKE

KISSINGER REPORTEDLY ANSWERED,
"PRESIDENT NIXON TRIED TO MAKE
ME DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT ONCE,

"PRESIDENT NIXON TRIED TO MAKE
ME DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT ONCE,
AND GUESS WHO RESIGNED?"

ME DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT ONCE,
AND GUESS WHO RESIGNED?"
[LAUGHTER]

AND GUESS WHO RESIGNED?"
[LAUGHTER]
BILL?

[LAUGHTER]
BILL?
CBS NEWS REVEALED

BILL?
CBS NEWS REVEALED
THIS WEEK THAT THE WHITE HOUSE

CBS NEWS REVEALED
THIS WEEK THAT THE WHITE HOUSE
TRIED TO STOP 60 MINUTES FROM

THIS WEEK THAT THE WHITE HOUSE
TRIED TO STOP 60 MINUTES FROM
AIRING LAST WEEK'S SEGMENT ON

TRIED TO STOP 60 MINUTES FROM
AIRING LAST WEEK'S SEGMENT ON
IRAN AND THE ABUSES BY SAVAK AND

AIRING LAST WEEK'S SEGMENT ON
IRAN AND THE ABUSES BY SAVAK AND
THE SHAH.

IRAN AND THE ABUSES BY SAVAK AND
THE SHAH.
ACCORDING TO 60 MINUTES, THE

THE SHAH.
ACCORDING TO 60 MINUTES, THE
WHITE HOUSE ALSO TRIED TO STOP A

ACCORDING TO 60 MINUTES, THE
WHITE HOUSE ALSO TRIED TO STOP A
FEATURE BY ANDY ROONEY ABOUT HOW

WHITE HOUSE ALSO TRIED TO STOP A
FEATURE BY ANDY ROONEY ABOUT HOW
YOU CAN NEVER GET THE LITTLE TAB

FEATURE BY ANDY ROONEY ABOUT HOW
YOU CAN NEVER GET THE LITTLE TAB
THAT YOU PUSH IN ON LAUNDRY

YOU CAN NEVER GET THE LITTLE TAB
THAT YOU PUSH IN ON LAUNDRY
DETERGENT BOXES TO COME BACK UP

THAT YOU PUSH IN ON LAUNDRY
DETERGENT BOXES TO COME BACK UP
AND PLUG UP THE HOLE.

DETERGENT BOXES TO COME BACK UP
AND PLUG UP THE HOLE.
SO THAT THE DETERGENT

AND PLUG UP THE HOLE.
SO THAT THE DETERGENT
SPILLS OUT, AND HOW HE

SO THAT THE DETERGENT
SPILLS OUT, AND HOW HE
THINKS THE DETERGENT COMPANIES

SPILLS OUT, AND HOW HE
THINKS THE DETERGENT COMPANIES
DO THAT ON PURPOSE TO MAKE YOU

THINKS THE DETERGENT COMPANIES
DO THAT ON PURPOSE TO MAKE YOU
BUY MORE DETERGENT.

DO THAT ON PURPOSE TO MAKE YOU
BUY MORE DETERGENT.
CBS AGREED TO DELAY THE ROONEY

BUY MORE DETERGENT.
CBS AGREED TO DELAY THE ROONEY
PIECE UNTIL AFTER THE HOSTAGES

CBS AGREED TO DELAY THE ROONEY
PIECE UNTIL AFTER THE HOSTAGES
ARE RELEASED.

PIECE UNTIL AFTER THE HOSTAGES
ARE RELEASED.
[LAUGHTER]

ARE RELEASED.
[LAUGHTER]
MOHAMMED ALI, LAST NIGHT, WON

[LAUGHTER]
MOHAMMED ALI, LAST NIGHT, WON
THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE FOR AN

MOHAMMED ALI, LAST NIGHT, WON
THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE FOR AN
UNPRECEDENTED FOURTH TIME.

THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE FOR AN
UNPRECEDENTED FOURTH TIME.
HE ACHIEVED THIS BY SWALLOWING

UNPRECEDENTED FOURTH TIME.
HE ACHIEVED THIS BY SWALLOWING
HIS OPPONENT, WBC CHAMP

HE ACHIEVED THIS BY SWALLOWING
HIS OPPONENT, WBC CHAMP
JOHN TATE.

HIS OPPONENT, WBC CHAMP
JOHN TATE.
ALI SAYS HE WILL NOW REST UP AND

JOHN TATE.
ALI SAYS HE WILL NOW REST UP AND
BUILD UP AN APPETITE FOR

ALI SAYS HE WILL NOW REST UP AND
BUILD UP AN APPETITE FOR
LARRY HOLMES IN SEPTEMBER.

BUILD UP AN APPETITE FOR
LARRY HOLMES IN SEPTEMBER.
JANE?

LARRY HOLMES IN SEPTEMBER.
JANE?
THE FEDERAL FOOD AND

JANE?
THE FEDERAL FOOD AND
DRUG ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED

THE FEDERAL FOOD AND
DRUG ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED
THIS WEEK THAT SACCHARINE AND

DRUG ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED
THIS WEEK THAT SACCHARINE AND
ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS ARE

THIS WEEK THAT SACCHARINE AND
ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS ARE
ACCEPTABLE FOR HUMAN

ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS ARE
ACCEPTABLE FOR HUMAN
CONSUMPTION.

ACCEPTABLE FOR HUMAN
CONSUMPTION.
HOWEVER, AS A RESULT OF THE

CONSUMPTION.
HOWEVER, AS A RESULT OF THE
TESTS DONE BY THAT ORGANIZATION,

HOWEVER, AS A RESULT OF THE
TESTS DONE BY THAT ORGANIZATION,
MANY AMERICAN CITIES HAVE BEGUN

TESTS DONE BY THAT ORGANIZATION,
MANY AMERICAN CITIES HAVE BEGUN
TO USE SACCHARINE AS RAT POISON.

MANY AMERICAN CITIES HAVE BEGUN
TO USE SACCHARINE AS RAT POISON.
EXPERTS AGREE THAT A GOOD CASE

TO USE SACCHARINE AS RAT POISON.
EXPERTS AGREE THAT A GOOD CASE
OF BLADDER CANCER IS ABOUT THE

EXPERTS AGREE THAT A GOOD CASE
OF BLADDER CANCER IS ABOUT THE
ONLY THING THAT CAN BRING SOME

OF BLADDER CANCER IS ABOUT THE
ONLY THING THAT CAN BRING SOME
OF THOSE BIG ONES DOWN.

ONLY THING THAT CAN BRING SOME
OF THOSE BIG ONES DOWN.
[LAUGHTER]

OF THOSE BIG ONES DOWN.
[LAUGHTER]
FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD,

[LAUGHTER]
FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD,
FIELDING EXPECTATIONS THAT

FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD,
FIELDING EXPECTATIONS THAT
HE MAY MAKE ANOTHER RUN AT THE

FIELDING EXPECTATIONS THAT
HE MAY MAKE ANOTHER RUN AT THE
WHITE HOUSE, SAID YESTERDAY THAT

HE MAY MAKE ANOTHER RUN AT THE
WHITE HOUSE, SAID YESTERDAY THAT
THE VERY FIRST THING HE WOULD DO

WHITE HOUSE, SAID YESTERDAY THAT
THE VERY FIRST THING HE WOULD DO
AS PRESIDENT IS PARDON

THE VERY FIRST THING HE WOULD DO
AS PRESIDENT IS PARDON
RICHARD NIXON ONCE AGAIN.

AS PRESIDENT IS PARDON
RICHARD NIXON ONCE AGAIN.
FORD SAID, "I THINK PEOPLE WOULD

RICHARD NIXON ONCE AGAIN.
FORD SAID, "I THINK PEOPLE WOULD
ACCEPT IT MORE THIS TIME AROUND.

FORD SAID, "I THINK PEOPLE WOULD
ACCEPT IT MORE THIS TIME AROUND.
HELP ME UP, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

ACCEPT IT MORE THIS TIME AROUND.
HELP ME UP, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?
WHERE AM I?

HELP ME UP, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?
WHERE AM I?
OUCH!"

WHERE AM I?
OUCH!"
[LAUGHTER]

OUCH!"
[LAUGHTER]
YUGLOSLAV PRESIDENT TITO HAS NOW

[LAUGHTER]
YUGLOSLAV PRESIDENT TITO HAS NOW
BEEN ON HIS DEATHBED FOR

YUGLOSLAV PRESIDENT TITO HAS NOW
BEEN ON HIS DEATHBED FOR
66 DAYS, AND HIS CONDITION IS

BEEN ON HIS DEATHBED FOR
66 DAYS, AND HIS CONDITION IS
REPORTED AS STABLE.

66 DAYS, AND HIS CONDITION IS
REPORTED AS STABLE.
TITO STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO GO

REPORTED AS STABLE.
TITO STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO GO
TO BEAT THE DEATHBED RECORD OF

TITO STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO GO
TO BEAT THE DEATHBED RECORD OF
45 1/2 MONTHS SET IN THE '70s BY

TO BEAT THE DEATHBED RECORD OF
45 1/2 MONTHS SET IN THE '70s BY
GENERALISIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.

45 1/2 MONTHS SET IN THE '70s BY
GENERALISIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.
BUT HE'S OFF TO A GOOD START.

GENERALISIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.
BUT HE'S OFF TO A GOOD START.
HEY, YOU TRIVIA NUTS,

BUT HE'S OFF TO A GOOD START.
HEY, YOU TRIVIA NUTS,
REMEMBER THESE TWO GUYS?

HEY, YOU TRIVIA NUTS,
REMEMBER THESE TWO GUYS?
NO.

REMEMBER THESE TWO GUYS?
NO.
NEVER MIND.

NO.
NEVER MIND.
WHILE "GET WELL" CARDS

NEVER MIND.
WHILE "GET WELL" CARDS
WOULD BE IN POOR TASTE,

WHILE "GET WELL" CARDS
WOULD BE IN POOR TASTE,
YOU MIGHT SEND HIM A SIMPLE

WOULD BE IN POOR TASTE,
YOU MIGHT SEND HIM A SIMPLE
"BEAT FRANCO" CARD.

YOU MIGHT SEND HIM A SIMPLE
"BEAT FRANCO" CARD.
THE ADDRESS IS DEATH BED, STATE

"BEAT FRANCO" CARD.
THE ADDRESS IS DEATH BED, STATE
HOSPITAL, BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA.

THE ADDRESS IS DEATH BED, STATE
HOSPITAL, BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA.
BILL!

HOSPITAL, BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA.
BILL!
[LAUGHTER]

BILL!
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, YOU TRIVIA NUTS.

[LAUGHTER]
HEY, YOU TRIVIA NUTS.
REMEMBER THESE TWO GUYS?

HEY, YOU TRIVIA NUTS.
REMEMBER THESE TWO GUYS?
WE GREW UP WITH THEM.

REMEMBER THESE TWO GUYS?
WE GREW UP WITH THEM.
YOU WANT A HINT?

WE GREW UP WITH THEM.
YOU WANT A HINT?
THEY'RE JUNE AND WARD'S KIDS,

YOU WANT A HINT?
THEY'RE JUNE AND WARD'S KIDS,
LUMPY RUTHERFORD'S NEIGHBOR,

THEY'RE JUNE AND WARD'S KIDS,
LUMPY RUTHERFORD'S NEIGHBOR,
EDDIE HASKILL AND LARRY

LUMPY RUTHERFORD'S NEIGHBOR,
EDDIE HASKILL AND LARRY
MONDELLOS'S BEST FRIENDS?

EDDIE HASKILL AND LARRY
MONDELLOS'S BEST FRIENDS?
NOW DO YOU KNOW?

MONDELLOS'S BEST FRIENDS?
NOW DO YOU KNOW?
SURE YOU DO.

NOW DO YOU KNOW?
SURE YOU DO.
THEY'RE WALLY AND BEAVER

SURE YOU DO.
THEY'RE WALLY AND BEAVER
CLEAVER.

THEY'RE WALLY AND BEAVER
CLEAVER.
WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S

CLEAVER.
WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
CELEBRITY CORNER.

WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
CELEBRITY CORNER.
A RARITY.

CELEBRITY CORNER.
A RARITY.
IT TOOK A BIT OF DOING

A RARITY.
IT TOOK A BIT OF DOING
BUT HERE THEY ARE, ALL GROWN

IT TOOK A BIT OF DOING
BUT HERE THEY ARE, ALL GROWN
UP, FROM THEIR DRESSING ROOM AT

BUT HERE THEY ARE, ALL GROWN
UP, FROM THEIR DRESSING ROOM AT
THE WESTCHESTER COUNTY DINNER

UP, FROM THEIR DRESSING ROOM AT
THE WESTCHESTER COUNTY DINNER
THEATER, WHERE THEY'RE

THE WESTCHESTER COUNTY DINNER
THEATER, WHERE THEY'RE
APPEARING AT.

THEATER, WHERE THEY'RE
APPEARING AT.
LET'S MEET TONY DOW AND JERRY

APPEARING AT.
LET'S MEET TONY DOW AND JERRY
MATHERS.

LET'S MEET TONY DOW AND JERRY
MATHERS.
NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, GUYS!

MATHERS.
NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, GUYS!
HI, BILL.

NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, GUYS!
HI, BILL.
HEY, BILL.

HI, BILL.
HEY, BILL.
[APPLAUSE]

HEY, BILL.
[APPLAUSE]
NOW, HEY, BEAV,

[APPLAUSE]
NOW, HEY, BEAV,
NOW, WE ALL HEARD THAT YOU GOT

NOW, HEY, BEAV,
NOW, WE ALL HEARD THAT YOU GOT
KILLED IN VIETNAM.

NOW, WE ALL HEARD THAT YOU GOT
KILLED IN VIETNAM.
IS THAT TRUE?

KILLED IN VIETNAM.
IS THAT TRUE?
WELL, I...

IS THAT TRUE?
WELL, I...
HEY, YOU LITTLE SQUIRT.

WELL, I...
HEY, YOU LITTLE SQUIRT.
WHAT DID YA GO AND TELL

HEY, YOU LITTLE SQUIRT.
WHAT DID YA GO AND TELL
EVERYBODY THAT FOR?

WHAT DID YA GO AND TELL
EVERYBODY THAT FOR?
[LAUGHTER]

EVERYBODY THAT FOR?
[LAUGHTER]
AW, GEE, TONY.

[LAUGHTER]
AW, GEE, TONY.
IT WAS ON ACCOUNT OF THE SHOW

AW, GEE, TONY.
IT WAS ON ACCOUNT OF THE SHOW
WAS OFF THE AIR, AND I FIGURED

IT WAS ON ACCOUNT OF THE SHOW
WAS OFF THE AIR, AND I FIGURED
THAT NOBODY KNEW WHO WE WERE

WAS OFF THE AIR, AND I FIGURED
THAT NOBODY KNEW WHO WE WERE
OR CARED ABOUT US.

THAT NOBODY KNEW WHO WE WERE
OR CARED ABOUT US.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D JUST GET

OR CARED ABOUT US.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D JUST GET
US SOME ATTENTION.

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D JUST GET
US SOME ATTENTION.
WOW, WHEN DAD HEARS ABOUT

US SOME ATTENTION.
WOW, WHEN DAD HEARS ABOUT
THIS, HE'S GONNA GO APE.

WOW, WHEN DAD HEARS ABOUT
THIS, HE'S GONNA GO APE.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF HE

THIS, HE'S GONNA GO APE.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF HE
DIDN'T SLUG YA OR SOMETHING.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF HE
DIDN'T SLUG YA OR SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]

DIDN'T SLUG YA OR SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, JERRY,

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, JERRY,
WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS A REAL

WELL, JERRY,
WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS A REAL
SERIOUS THING, AND I THINK YOU

WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS A REAL
SERIOUS THING, AND I THINK YOU
SHOULD APOLOGIZE.

SERIOUS THING, AND I THINK YOU
SHOULD APOLOGIZE.
GEE, BILL.

SHOULD APOLOGIZE.
GEE, BILL.
DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THAT?

GEE, BILL.
DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THAT?
IF I APOLOGIZE IN FRONT OF

DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THAT?
IF I APOLOGIZE IN FRONT OF
EVERYBODY, I'LL LOOK LIKE

IF I APOLOGIZE IN FRONT OF
EVERYBODY, I'LL LOOK LIKE
A CREEP.

EVERYBODY, I'LL LOOK LIKE
A CREEP.
YEAH, BILL, DON'T MAKE

A CREEP.
YEAH, BILL, DON'T MAKE
JERRY APOLOGIZE.

YEAH, BILL, DON'T MAKE
JERRY APOLOGIZE.
I MEAN, I KNOW HE'S A SQUIRT,

JERRY APOLOGIZE.
I MEAN, I KNOW HE'S A SQUIRT,
BUT HE STILL DOESN'T WANT TO

I MEAN, I KNOW HE'S A SQUIRT,
BUT HE STILL DOESN'T WANT TO
LOOK LIKE A LITTLE GOOF.

BUT HE STILL DOESN'T WANT TO
LOOK LIKE A LITTLE GOOF.
WELL, YOUNG MAN,

LOOK LIKE A LITTLE GOOF.
WELL, YOUNG MAN,
MAYBE NEXT TIME, YOU'LL THINK

WELL, YOUNG MAN,
MAYBE NEXT TIME, YOU'LL THINK
ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND THE

MAYBE NEXT TIME, YOU'LL THINK
ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND THE
CONSEQUENCES THAT FOLLOW.

ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND THE
CONSEQUENCES THAT FOLLOW.
HEY, BILL, I WAS THINKING.

CONSEQUENCES THAT FOLLOW.
HEY, BILL, I WAS THINKING.
WHEN YOU WERE A KID,

HEY, BILL, I WAS THINKING.
WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
DID YOU GET, WELL, IN TROUBLE,

WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
DID YOU GET, WELL, IN TROUBLE,
AND MESS THINGS UP AND STUFF?

DID YOU GET, WELL, IN TROUBLE,
AND MESS THINGS UP AND STUFF?
WELL, JERRY,

AND MESS THINGS UP AND STUFF?
WELL, JERRY,
I GUESS ALL OF US, AT ONE TIME

WELL, JERRY,
I GUESS ALL OF US, AT ONE TIME
OR ANOTHER, HAVE MESSED UP.

I GUESS ALL OF US, AT ONE TIME
OR ANOTHER, HAVE MESSED UP.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT

OR ANOTHER, HAVE MESSED UP.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
WE LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES.

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
WE LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES.
HEY, YOU'RE, UH...

WE LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES.
HEY, YOU'RE, UH...
YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE HIM GO UP

HEY, YOU'RE, UH...
YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE HIM GO UP
TO HIS ROOM, ARE YA?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE HIM GO UP
TO HIS ROOM, ARE YA?
I MEAN, UH...

TO HIS ROOM, ARE YA?
I MEAN, UH...
HE WON'T GO AROUND SPREADING

I MEAN, UH...
HE WON'T GO AROUND SPREADING
RUMORS AGAIN, HONEST.

HE WON'T GO AROUND SPREADING
RUMORS AGAIN, HONEST.
WELL, WE'LL DISCUSS

RUMORS AGAIN, HONEST.
WELL, WE'LL DISCUSS
THIS WHEN YOU GET HOME.

WELL, WE'LL DISCUSS
THIS WHEN YOU GET HOME.
I'LL SPEAK TO YOU LATER.

THIS WHEN YOU GET HOME.
I'LL SPEAK TO YOU LATER.
THANKS, BILL!

I'LL SPEAK TO YOU LATER.
THANKS, BILL!
ALL RIGHT, BREAK A LEG.

THANKS, BILL!
ALL RIGHT, BREAK A LEG.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

VERY NICE TO HAVE THEM
ON CELEBRITY CORNER, HUH, JANE?
BILL, YOU DON'T THINK YOU

ON CELEBRITY CORNER, HUH, JANE?
BILL, YOU DON'T THINK YOU
WERE TOO HARD ON THE BOYS,

BILL, YOU DON'T THINK YOU
WERE TOO HARD ON THE BOYS,
DO YOU?

WERE TOO HARD ON THE BOYS,
DO YOU?
[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, JANE, I...

[LAUGHTER]
NO, JANE, I...
THE BOYS HAVE GOT TO LEARN

NO, JANE, I...
THE BOYS HAVE GOT TO LEARN
SOMETHING, AND I DON'T THINK

THE BOYS HAVE GOT TO LEARN
SOMETHING, AND I DON'T THINK
WE'LL EVER HEAR THAT RUMOR ABOUT

SOMETHING, AND I DON'T THINK
WE'LL EVER HEAR THAT RUMOR ABOUT
BEAVER GETTING KILLED IN VIETNAM

WE'LL EVER HEAR THAT RUMOR ABOUT
BEAVER GETTING KILLED IN VIETNAM
AGAIN EITHER, HUH?

BEAVER GETTING KILLED IN VIETNAM
AGAIN EITHER, HUH?
[LAUGHTER]

AGAIN EITHER, HUH?
[LAUGHTER]
BILL?

[LAUGHTER]
BILL?
YEAH!

BILL?
YEAH!
ALL RIGHT.

YEAH!
ALL RIGHT.
IAN SMITH OFFERED TO SERVE THIS

ALL RIGHT.
IAN SMITH OFFERED TO SERVE THIS
WEEK IN THE CABINET OF ROBERT

IAN SMITH OFFERED TO SERVE THIS
WEEK IN THE CABINET OF ROBERT
MUGABE, NEWLY-ELECTED PRIME

WEEK IN THE CABINET OF ROBERT
MUGABE, NEWLY-ELECTED PRIME
MINISTER OF RHODESIA.

MUGABE, NEWLY-ELECTED PRIME
MINISTER OF RHODESIA.
MUGABE, A BLACK MARXIST, WHO IS

MINISTER OF RHODESIA.
MUGABE, A BLACK MARXIST, WHO IS
ANXIOUS TO CALM RHODESIA'S

MUGABE, A BLACK MARXIST, WHO IS
ANXIOUS TO CALM RHODESIA'S
ANGLO-WHITE MINORITY, REPORTEDLY

ANXIOUS TO CALM RHODESIA'S
ANGLO-WHITE MINORITY, REPORTEDLY
HAS ASKED FORMER PRIME MINISTER

ANGLO-WHITE MINORITY, REPORTEDLY
HAS ASKED FORMER PRIME MINISTER
SMITH TO SERVE AS A LAWN JOCKEY

HAS ASKED FORMER PRIME MINISTER
SMITH TO SERVE AS A LAWN JOCKEY
IN FRONT OF MUGABE'S HOME.

SMITH TO SERVE AS A LAWN JOCKEY
IN FRONT OF MUGABE'S HOME.
[LAUGHTER]

IN FRONT OF MUGABE'S HOME.
[LAUGHTER]
JANE?

[LAUGHTER]
JANE?
COMBINED HIGHWAY

JANE?
COMBINED HIGHWAY
AND TRANSPORTATION AGENCIES

COMBINED HIGHWAY
AND TRANSPORTATION AGENCIES
REPORTED THIS WEEK THAT,

AND TRANSPORTATION AGENCIES
REPORTED THIS WEEK THAT,
IN 1979, TRAFFIC DEATHS EXCEEDED

REPORTED THIS WEEK THAT,
IN 1979, TRAFFIC DEATHS EXCEEDED
50,000 FOR THE SECOND YEAR

IN 1979, TRAFFIC DEATHS EXCEEDED
50,000 FOR THE SECOND YEAR
IN A ROW.

50,000 FOR THE SECOND YEAR
IN A ROW.
THIS GRIMMING FIGURE IS OFFSET,

IN A ROW.
THIS GRIMMING FIGURE IS OFFSET,
HOWEVER, BY DATA SHOWING THAT

THIS GRIMMING FIGURE IS OFFSET,
HOWEVER, BY DATA SHOWING THAT
30,000 PEOPLE WERE BORN IN

HOWEVER, BY DATA SHOWING THAT
30,000 PEOPLE WERE BORN IN
TRAFFIC, AND 20,000 WERE

30,000 PEOPLE WERE BORN IN
TRAFFIC, AND 20,000 WERE
CONCEIVED IN AUTOMOBILES STALLED

TRAFFIC, AND 20,000 WERE
CONCEIVED IN AUTOMOBILES STALLED
IN TRAFFIC DURING THE SAME

CONCEIVED IN AUTOMOBILES STALLED
IN TRAFFIC DURING THE SAME
PERIOD.

IN TRAFFIC DURING THE SAME
PERIOD.
NEW YORK CITY POLICE ARRESTED A

PERIOD.
NEW YORK CITY POLICE ARRESTED A
MAN THIS WEEK FOR IMPERSONATING

NEW YORK CITY POLICE ARRESTED A
MAN THIS WEEK FOR IMPERSONATING
THE LATE ED SULLIVAN.

MAN THIS WEEK FOR IMPERSONATING
THE LATE ED SULLIVAN.
IT WAS THE FIRST ARREST OF AN

THE LATE ED SULLIVAN.
IT WAS THE FIRST ARREST OF AN
ED SULLIVAN IMPERSONATOR IN OVER

IT WAS THE FIRST ARREST OF AN
ED SULLIVAN IMPERSONATOR IN OVER
THREE YEARS.

ED SULLIVAN IMPERSONATOR IN OVER
THREE YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]

THREE YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]
THE U.S. IMMIGRATION SERVICES

[LAUGHTER]
THE U.S. IMMIGRATION SERVICES
ESTIMATED THAT CLOSE TO ONE

THE U.S. IMMIGRATION SERVICES
ESTIMATED THAT CLOSE TO ONE
MILLION MEXICANS ILLEGALLY

ESTIMATED THAT CLOSE TO ONE
MILLION MEXICANS ILLEGALLY
ENTER THE U.S. EACH YEAR.

MILLION MEXICANS ILLEGALLY
ENTER THE U.S. EACH YEAR.
HERE WITH THE LATEST

ENTER THE U.S. EACH YEAR.
HERE WITH THE LATEST
DEVELOPMENTS ON THAT STORY IS

HERE WITH THE LATEST
DEVELOPMENTS ON THAT STORY IS
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

DEVELOPMENTS ON THAT STORY IS
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER?

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER?
THANK YOU.

FATHER?
THANK YOU.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
TONIGHT I HAVE A REALLY HOT

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
TONIGHT I HAVE A REALLY HOT
SCOOP FOR YOU.

TONIGHT I HAVE A REALLY HOT
SCOOP FOR YOU.
IT'S TRUE THAT ALMOST ONE

SCOOP FOR YOU.
IT'S TRUE THAT ALMOST ONE
MILLION MEXICANS ENTER THE

IT'S TRUE THAT ALMOST ONE
MILLION MEXICANS ENTER THE
UNITED STATES ILLEGALLY EVERY

MILLION MEXICANS ENTER THE
UNITED STATES ILLEGALLY EVERY
YEAR.

UNITED STATES ILLEGALLY EVERY
YEAR.
BUT NOT ALL OF THEM RUN ACROSS

YEAR.
BUT NOT ALL OF THEM RUN ACROSS
THE BORDER THROUGH THE BUSHES.

BUT NOT ALL OF THEM RUN ACROSS
THE BORDER THROUGH THE BUSHES.
I FOUND OUT THAT IN TIJUANA,

THE BORDER THROUGH THE BUSHES.
I FOUND OUT THAT IN TIJUANA,
MEXICO, THEY'RE GIVING WHAT THEY

I FOUND OUT THAT IN TIJUANA,
MEXICO, THEY'RE GIVING WHAT THEY
CALL NATIONALITY CHANGE

MEXICO, THEY'RE GIVING WHAT THEY
CALL NATIONALITY CHANGE
OPERATIONS.

CALL NATIONALITY CHANGE
OPERATIONS.
YOU CAN CHANGE FROM ANY

OPERATIONS.
YOU CAN CHANGE FROM ANY
NATIONALITY TO ANOTHER ONE.

YOU CAN CHANGE FROM ANY
NATIONALITY TO ANOTHER ONE.
AND RICH MEXICANS, THEY'RE GOING

NATIONALITY TO ANOTHER ONE.
AND RICH MEXICANS, THEY'RE GOING
DOWN THERE, AND THEY'RE GETTING

AND RICH MEXICANS, THEY'RE GOING
DOWN THERE, AND THEY'RE GETTING
CHANGED TO BE JAPANESE.

DOWN THERE, AND THEY'RE GETTING
CHANGED TO BE JAPANESE.
[LAUGHTER]

CHANGED TO BE JAPANESE.
[LAUGHTER]
IT COSTS $5,000, AND FOR $5,000,

[LAUGHTER]
IT COSTS $5,000, AND FOR $5,000,
THEY GET PLASTIC SURGERY,

IT COSTS $5,000, AND FOR $5,000,
THEY GET PLASTIC SURGERY,
CLOTHES, CAMERA, EVERYTHING.

THEY GET PLASTIC SURGERY,
CLOTHES, CAMERA, EVERYTHING.
[LAUGHTER]

CLOTHES, CAMERA, EVERYTHING.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT DO THEY DO?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY PUT THEM ON THESE TOURIST

WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY PUT THEM ON THESE TOURIST
BUSES, AND THEN THEY JUST DRIVE

THEY PUT THEM ON THESE TOURIST
BUSES, AND THEN THEY JUST DRIVE
ACROSS THE BORDER, AND THEY

BUSES, AND THEN THEY JUST DRIVE
ACROSS THE BORDER, AND THEY
THINK IT'S JUST JAPANESE PEOPLE

ACROSS THE BORDER, AND THEY
THINK IT'S JUST JAPANESE PEOPLE
GOING DOWN TO TIJUANA FOR THE

THINK IT'S JUST JAPANESE PEOPLE
GOING DOWN TO TIJUANA FOR THE
DAY.

GOING DOWN TO TIJUANA FOR THE
DAY.
[LAUGHTER]

DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT AMERICAN

[LAUGHTER]
BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT AMERICAN
CUSTOMS OFFICIALS, THEY'RE

BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT AMERICAN
CUSTOMS OFFICIALS, THEY'RE
GETTING WISER TO IT.

CUSTOMS OFFICIALS, THEY'RE
GETTING WISER TO IT.
AND WHAT THEY STARTED DOING NOW,

GETTING WISER TO IT.
AND WHAT THEY STARTED DOING NOW,
IS TO JAPANESE TOURISTS, THEY

AND WHAT THEY STARTED DOING NOW,
IS TO JAPANESE TOURISTS, THEY
ALWAYS GIVE THEM RICE TESTS AT

IS TO JAPANESE TOURISTS, THEY
ALWAYS GIVE THEM RICE TESTS AT
THE BORDERS.

ALWAYS GIVE THEM RICE TESTS AT
THE BORDERS.
[LAUGHTER]

THE BORDERS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHAT DO THEY DO?

[LAUGHTER]
AND WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY BRING OUT THE RICE AND THEY

AND WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY BRING OUT THE RICE AND THEY
GIVE THEM CHOPSTICKS.

THEY BRING OUT THE RICE AND THEY
GIVE THEM CHOPSTICKS.
AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO

GIVE THEM CHOPSTICKS.
AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO
PROPERLY EAT WITH CHOPSTICKS,

AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO
PROPERLY EAT WITH CHOPSTICKS,
THAT MEANS THEY'RE PROBABLY

PROPERLY EAT WITH CHOPSTICKS,
THAT MEANS THEY'RE PROBABLY
MEXICAN AND THEY MAKE THEM GO

THAT MEANS THEY'RE PROBABLY
MEXICAN AND THEY MAKE THEM GO
BACK.

MEXICAN AND THEY MAKE THEM GO
BACK.
[LAUGHTER]

BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT ANY

[LAUGHTER]
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT ANY
JAPANESE PERSON SOUTH OF DISNEY

AND I UNDERSTAND THAT ANY
JAPANESE PERSON SOUTH OF DISNEY
LAND IS SUSPECT OF BEING

JAPANESE PERSON SOUTH OF DISNEY
LAND IS SUSPECT OF BEING
MEXICAN, SO IT'S REALLY UP TIGHT

LAND IS SUSPECT OF BEING
MEXICAN, SO IT'S REALLY UP TIGHT
THERE FOR THEM.

MEXICAN, SO IT'S REALLY UP TIGHT
THERE FOR THEM.
WE'RE VERY, VERY FORTUNATE

THERE FOR THEM.
WE'RE VERY, VERY FORTUNATE
TONIGHT TO HAVE WITH US THE

WE'RE VERY, VERY FORTUNATE
TONIGHT TO HAVE WITH US THE
FIRST ITALIAN WHO HAD A SEX...

TONIGHT TO HAVE WITH US THE
FIRST ITALIAN WHO HAD A SEX...
I KEEP SAYING SEX CHANGE.

FIRST ITALIAN WHO HAD A SEX...
I KEEP SAYING SEX CHANGE.
THAT'S THE PAST.

I KEEP SAYING SEX CHANGE.
THAT'S THE PAST.
THIS IS THE FIRST ITALIAN THAT

THAT'S THE PAST.
THIS IS THE FIRST ITALIAN THAT
HAD A NATIONALITY CHANGE

THIS IS THE FIRST ITALIAN THAT
HAD A NATIONALITY CHANGE
OPERATION.

HAD A NATIONALITY CHANGE
OPERATION.
HIS NAME IS MARCELO PATERNA.

OPERATION.
HIS NAME IS MARCELO PATERNA.
AND HE CHANGED FROM ITALIAN TO

HIS NAME IS MARCELO PATERNA.
AND HE CHANGED FROM ITALIAN TO
JAPANESE.

AND HE CHANGED FROM ITALIAN TO
JAPANESE.
HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH,

JAPANESE.
HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH,
UNFORTUNATELY, SO I'M GONNA HAVE

HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH,
UNFORTUNATELY, SO I'M GONNA HAVE
TO TRANSLATE FOR YOU.

UNFORTUNATELY, SO I'M GONNA HAVE
TO TRANSLATE FOR YOU.
AND FIRST, WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK

TO TRANSLATE FOR YOU.
AND FIRST, WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK
HIM IS WHY DID HE HAVE THIS

AND FIRST, WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK
HIM IS WHY DID HE HAVE THIS
OPERATION?

HIM IS WHY DID HE HAVE THIS
OPERATION?
WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND IT?

OPERATION?
WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND IT?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND IT?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS EVER SINCE HE WAS

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS EVER SINCE HE WAS
LITTLE KID, HE ALWAYS LIKE

HE SAYS EVER SINCE HE WAS
LITTLE KID, HE ALWAYS LIKE
JAPANESE THINGS.

LITTLE KID, HE ALWAYS LIKE
JAPANESE THINGS.
[LAUGHTER]

JAPANESE THINGS.
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS EVERY DAY, HE

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS EVERY DAY, HE
USED TO ASK HIS MOTHER TO MAKE

HE SAYS EVERY DAY, HE
USED TO ASK HIS MOTHER TO MAKE
HIM RICE.

USED TO ASK HIS MOTHER TO MAKE
HIM RICE.
[LAUGHTER]

HIM RICE.
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
AND FISH.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
AND FISH.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

AND FISH.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS ALL ITALIANS LIKE

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS ALL ITALIANS LIKE
FISH, BUT HIM, HE LIKE IT RAW.

HE SAYS ALL ITALIANS LIKE
FISH, BUT HIM, HE LIKE IT RAW.
[LAUGHTER]

FISH, BUT HIM, HE LIKE IT RAW.
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS HE ALWAYS FELT THAT

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS HE ALWAYS FELT THAT
HE WAS JAPANESE, BUT HE WAS

HE SAYS HE ALWAYS FELT THAT
HE WAS JAPANESE, BUT HE WAS
TRAPPED IN AN ITALIAN BODY.

HE WAS JAPANESE, BUT HE WAS
TRAPPED IN AN ITALIAN BODY.
[LAUGHTER]

TRAPPED IN AN ITALIAN BODY.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW, I'M GONNA ASK HIM IF

[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW, I'M GONNA ASK HIM IF
THE OPERATION WAS PAINFUL.

AND NOW, I'M GONNA ASK HIM IF
THE OPERATION WAS PAINFUL.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

THE OPERATION WAS PAINFUL.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
NO, HE SAYS IT WASN'T VERY

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
NO, HE SAYS IT WASN'T VERY
PAINFUL FOR HIM.

NO, HE SAYS IT WASN'T VERY
PAINFUL FOR HIM.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

PAINFUL FOR HIM.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
BUT NOW HE SAYS HIS FACE, IT

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
BUT NOW HE SAYS HIS FACE, IT
FEELS LIKE A LITTLE TIGHT

BUT NOW HE SAYS HIS FACE, IT
FEELS LIKE A LITTLE TIGHT
FROM...

FEELS LIKE A LITTLE TIGHT
FROM...
[LAUGHTER]

FROM...
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

OH, HE SAYS THAT THE WORST
PART WAS HE HAD TO WAIT A LONG
TIME TO GET AN OPERATION.

PART WAS HE HAD TO WAIT A LONG
TIME TO GET AN OPERATION.
AND THIS ANNOYED HIM.

TIME TO GET AN OPERATION.
AND THIS ANNOYED HIM.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

AND THIS ANNOYED HIM.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
OH, HE SAYS HE HAD TO WAIT A

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
OH, HE SAYS HE HAD TO WAIT A
LONG TIME, 'CAUSE THERE WAS A

OH, HE SAYS HE HAD TO WAIT A
LONG TIME, 'CAUSE THERE WAS A
LOT OF GREEK PEOPLE IN FRONT

LONG TIME, 'CAUSE THERE WAS A
LOT OF GREEK PEOPLE IN FRONT
OF HIM.

LOT OF GREEK PEOPLE IN FRONT
OF HIM.
THEY WERE ALL GETTING CHANGED TO

OF HIM.
THEY WERE ALL GETTING CHANGED TO
BE ARABS.

THEY WERE ALL GETTING CHANGED TO
BE ARABS.
[LAUGHTER]

BE ARABS.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE
QUESTION FOR HIM.

WELL, NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE
QUESTION FOR HIM.
AND THAT QUESTION IS: HOW DID

QUESTION FOR HIM.
AND THAT QUESTION IS: HOW DID
THEY CHANGE HIS COMPLEXION?

AND THAT QUESTION IS: HOW DID
THEY CHANGE HIS COMPLEXION?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

THEY CHANGE HIS COMPLEXION?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS THEY DIDN'T DO

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
HE SAYS THEY DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING TO HIS SKIN.

HE SAYS THEY DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING TO HIS SKIN.
BUT WHEN HE WAS IN MEXICO, HE

ANYTHING TO HIS SKIN.
BUT WHEN HE WAS IN MEXICO, HE
GOT LIVER... WHAT DO YOU CALL

BUT WHEN HE WAS IN MEXICO, HE
GOT LIVER... WHAT DO YOU CALL
IT?

GOT LIVER... WHAT DO YOU CALL
IT?
HEPATITIS, AND WHAT IT IS IS

IT?
HEPATITIS, AND WHAT IT IS IS
JAUNDICE.

HEPATITIS, AND WHAT IT IS IS
JAUNDICE.
[LAUGHTER]

JAUNDICE.
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA SHAKE

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA SHAKE
HANDS WITH HIM.

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA SHAKE
HANDS WITH HIM.
IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL.

HANDS WITH HIM.
IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL.
ARIBE DERCHI.

IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL.
ARIBE DERCHI.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

ARIBE DERCHI.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, WALTER, AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, WALTER, AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, WALTER, AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

Man: WHERE DO I START?
OKAY, MANHASSET IS MY KIND OF
TOWN.

OKAY, MANHASSET IS MY KIND OF
TOWN.
IT'S LOCATED ON THE NORTH SHORE

TOWN.
IT'S LOCATED ON THE NORTH SHORE
OF LONG ISLAND.

IT'S LOCATED ON THE NORTH SHORE
OF LONG ISLAND.
NAH, TOO FACTUAL.

OF LONG ISLAND.
NAH, TOO FACTUAL.
LET ME START AGAIN.

NAH, TOO FACTUAL.
LET ME START AGAIN.
MANHASSET, ONLY A STONE'S THROW

LET ME START AGAIN.
MANHASSET, ONLY A STONE'S THROW
FROM MANHATTAN, BUT AS VACUOUS

MANHASSET, ONLY A STONE'S THROW
FROM MANHATTAN, BUT AS VACUOUS
AS ANY SUBURB IN AMERICA.

FROM MANHATTAN, BUT AS VACUOUS
AS ANY SUBURB IN AMERICA.
NO, TOO BITTER.

AS ANY SUBURB IN AMERICA.
NO, TOO BITTER.
I'M A NIGHTCLUB COMEDIAN, NOT A

NO, TOO BITTER.
I'M A NIGHTCLUB COMEDIAN, NOT A
SOCIAL CRITIC.

I'M A NIGHTCLUB COMEDIAN, NOT A
SOCIAL CRITIC.
MANHASSET, THE KIND OF TOWN

SOCIAL CRITIC.
MANHASSET, THE KIND OF TOWN
WHERE THEY BURY THEIR DEAD IN A

MANHASSET, THE KIND OF TOWN
WHERE THEY BURY THEIR DEAD IN A
JOGGING SUIT.

WHERE THEY BURY THEIR DEAD IN A
JOGGING SUIT.
NO, TOO JOKEY.

JOGGING SUIT.
NO, TOO JOKEY.
WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT?

NO, TOO JOKEY.
WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT?
I'LL TRY AGAIN.

WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT?
I'LL TRY AGAIN.
TO ME, MANHASSET IS A SLEEPY,

I'LL TRY AGAIN.
TO ME, MANHASSET IS A SLEEPY,
LITTLE TOWN.

TO ME, MANHASSET IS A SLEEPY,
LITTLE TOWN.
NO, MAKE IT A BORING, LITTLE

LITTLE TOWN.
NO, MAKE IT A BORING, LITTLE
TOWN.

NO, MAKE IT A BORING, LITTLE
TOWN.
THE KIND OF TOWN WHERE THE

TOWN.
THE KIND OF TOWN WHERE THE
BASSET HOUNDS HAVE NOSE JOBS AND

THE KIND OF TOWN WHERE THE
BASSET HOUNDS HAVE NOSE JOBS AND
THE COCKER SPANIELS HAVE EAR

BASSET HOUNDS HAVE NOSE JOBS AND
THE COCKER SPANIELS HAVE EAR
JOBS.

THE COCKER SPANIELS HAVE EAR
JOBS.
NO, TOO WEIRD.

JOBS.
NO, TOO WEIRD.
MANHASSET, THE KIND OF TOWN

NO, TOO WEIRD.
MANHASSET, THE KIND OF TOWN
WHERE FATHERS COMMUTE TO

MANHASSET, THE KIND OF TOWN
WHERE FATHERS COMMUTE TO
MANHATTAN EVERY MORNING, LEAVING

WHERE FATHERS COMMUTE TO
MANHATTAN EVERY MORNING, LEAVING
THEIR YOUNG DAUGHTERS FOR LECHES

MANHATTAN EVERY MORNING, LEAVING
THEIR YOUNG DAUGHTERS FOR LECHES
LIKE ME TO HIT ON.

THEIR YOUNG DAUGHTERS FOR LECHES
LIKE ME TO HIT ON.
THAT'S IT.

LIKE ME TO HIT ON.
THAT'S IT.
MANHASSET, THE TOWN THAT MAKES

THAT'S IT.
MANHASSET, THE TOWN THAT MAKES
ME HOT, REAL HOT.

MANHASSET, THE TOWN THAT MAKES
ME HOT, REAL HOT.
OKAY.

ME HOT, REAL HOT.
OKAY.
[♪...]

[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

FINISH YOUR SOUP, TRACY,
IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
I LOVE WATCHING THIS KID EAT,

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
I LOVE WATCHING THIS KID EAT,
YOU KNOW?

I LOVE WATCHING THIS KID EAT,
YOU KNOW?
I LOVE WATCHING HER DO ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW?
I LOVE WATCHING HER DO ANYTHING.
YOU'RE REAL BEAUTIFUL, TRACY.

I LOVE WATCHING HER DO ANYTHING.
YOU'RE REAL BEAUTIFUL, TRACY.
I GUESS I'M JUST A SUCKER FOR A

YOU'RE REAL BEAUTIFUL, TRACY.
I GUESS I'M JUST A SUCKER FOR A
GIRL IN UNIFORM, YOU KNOW?

I GUESS I'M JUST A SUCKER FOR A
GIRL IN UNIFORM, YOU KNOW?
THANKS, MR. DAVIS.

GIRL IN UNIFORM, YOU KNOW?
THANKS, MR. DAVIS.
RODNEY, YOU CAN CALL ME

THANKS, MR. DAVIS.
RODNEY, YOU CAN CALL ME
RODNEY.

RODNEY, YOU CAN CALL ME
RODNEY.
OKAY, RODNEY.

RODNEY.
OKAY, RODNEY.
MAY I PLEASE BE EXCUSED, I HAVE

OKAY, RODNEY.
MAY I PLEASE BE EXCUSED, I HAVE
TO GO TO THE GIRLS' ROOM.

MAY I PLEASE BE EXCUSED, I HAVE
TO GO TO THE GIRLS' ROOM.
SURE, TRACY.

SHE'S GORGEOUS.
SHE'S 10 AND I'M 58.
[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S 10 AND I'M 58.
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN SHE REACHES HER SEXUAL

[LAUGHTER]
WHEN SHE REACHES HER SEXUAL
PEAK, I'VE BEEN DEAD FIVE YEARS.

WHEN SHE REACHES HER SEXUAL
PEAK, I'VE BEEN DEAD FIVE YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]

PEAK, I'VE BEEN DEAD FIVE YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE MAY BE 10, BUT SHE'S A

[LAUGHTER]
SHE MAY BE 10, BUT SHE'S A
PERFECT 10.

SHE MAY BE 10, BUT SHE'S A
PERFECT 10.
AREN'T YOU TWO MAKING TOO

PERFECT 10.
AREN'T YOU TWO MAKING TOO
MUCH OF THIS AGE THING?

AREN'T YOU TWO MAKING TOO
MUCH OF THIS AGE THING?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COME ON,

MUCH OF THIS AGE THING?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COME ON,
I MEAN, EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE,

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COME ON,
I MEAN, EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE,
OKAY?

I MEAN, EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE,
OKAY?
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, AM I RIGHT,

OKAY?
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, AM I RIGHT,
AM I RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, AM I RIGHT,
AM I RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, RIGHT?
LOOK, MARY, YALE, IT'S OKAY

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, RIGHT?
LOOK, MARY, YALE, IT'S OKAY
FOR YOU TWO TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

LOOK, MARY, YALE, IT'S OKAY
FOR YOU TWO TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.
I MEAN, YOU'RE CONSENTING

FOR YOU TWO TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.
I MEAN, YOU'RE CONSENTING
ADULTS.

I MEAN, YOU'RE CONSENTING
ADULTS.
BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.

ADULTS.
BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.
TRACY'S JUST A KID.

BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.
TRACY'S JUST A KID.
WHEN I TRY TO GET HER INTO BED,

TRACY'S JUST A KID.
WHEN I TRY TO GET HER INTO BED,
SHE STARTS CRYING, WANTS TO STAY

WHEN I TRY TO GET HER INTO BED,
SHE STARTS CRYING, WANTS TO STAY
UP ANOTHER HALF HOUR.

SHE STARTS CRYING, WANTS TO STAY
UP ANOTHER HALF HOUR.
[LAUGHTER]

UP ANOTHER HALF HOUR.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, OH, OH, OH, GOSH, OH,

[LAUGHTER]
OH, OH, OH, OH, GOSH, OH,
GOLLY, CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, OH, OH, OH, GOSH, OH,
GOLLY, CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S 5:00.

GOLLY, CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S 5:00.
I THOUGHT IT WAS 4:30

IT'S 5:00.
I THOUGHT IT WAS 4:30
AND IT'S 5:00.

I THOUGHT IT WAS 4:30
AND IT'S 5:00.
HOW COME I DIDN'T KNOW IT

AND IT'S 5:00.
HOW COME I DIDN'T KNOW IT
WAS 5:00?

HOW COME I DIDN'T KNOW IT
WAS 5:00?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WAS 5:00?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WELL, I HAD MY CHINESE

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WELL, I HAD MY CHINESE
COOKING CLASS.

WELL, I HAD MY CHINESE
COOKING CLASS.
I MEAN, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE

COOKING CLASS.
I MEAN, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE
RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE
RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, RIGHT THIS MINUTE

RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, RIGHT THIS MINUTE
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

I MEAN, RIGHT THIS MINUTE
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, AND NOW

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, AND NOW
I'M NOT THERE.

SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, AND NOW
I'M NOT THERE.
I BETTER GET GOING TOO,

I'M NOT THERE.
I BETTER GET GOING TOO,
RODNEY, I GOT SOME TERM PAPERS

I BETTER GET GOING TOO,
RODNEY, I GOT SOME TERM PAPERS
TO CORRECT, AND I GOT TO FINISH

RODNEY, I GOT SOME TERM PAPERS
TO CORRECT, AND I GOT TO FINISH
THAT NOVEL.

TO CORRECT, AND I GOT TO FINISH
THAT NOVEL.
ALL RIGHT.

THAT NOVEL.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, HUH?

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, HUH?
HOW COULD I MAKE A MISTAKE

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, HUH?
HOW COULD I MAKE A MISTAKE
LIKE THAT?

HOW COULD I MAKE A MISTAKE
LIKE THAT?
TAKE CARE, MARY, YALE.

LIKE THAT?
TAKE CARE, MARY, YALE.
BUH-BYE.

TAKE CARE, MARY, YALE.
BUH-BYE.
BYE.

ALL FINISHED.
OH, GOOD GIRL, TRACY.
MR. DAVIS, I REALLY LIKE YOU,

OH, GOOD GIRL, TRACY.
MR. DAVIS, I REALLY LIKE YOU,
I THINK WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

MR. DAVIS, I REALLY LIKE YOU,
I THINK WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
WE LIKE THE SAME MOVIES, READ

I THINK WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
WE LIKE THE SAME MOVIES, READ
THE SAME BOOKS AND WE HAVE GREAT

WE LIKE THE SAME MOVIES, READ
THE SAME BOOKS AND WE HAVE GREAT
YOU KNOW WHAT.

THE SAME BOOKS AND WE HAVE GREAT
YOU KNOW WHAT.
KEEP IT DOWN, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT.
KEEP IT DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]

KEEP IT DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DON'T YOU

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DON'T YOU
LIKE ME?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, DON'T YOU
LIKE ME?
SURE, BUT I JUST DON'T WANT

LIKE ME?
SURE, BUT I JUST DON'T WANT
YOU TO GROW UP AND GET TOO HUNG

SURE, BUT I JUST DON'T WANT
YOU TO GROW UP AND GET TOO HUNG
UP ON ME.

YOU TO GROW UP AND GET TOO HUNG
UP ON ME.
A PRETTY, YOUNG GIRL LIKE YOU

UP ON ME.
A PRETTY, YOUNG GIRL LIKE YOU
SHOULD BE GOING OUT WITH LOTS OF

A PRETTY, YOUNG GIRL LIKE YOU
SHOULD BE GOING OUT WITH LOTS OF
OLD, DIRTY MEN.

SHOULD BE GOING OUT WITH LOTS OF
OLD, DIRTY MEN.
[LAUGHTER]

OLD, DIRTY MEN.
[LAUGHTER]
OH.

[LAUGHTER]
OH.
NOW FINISH YOUR SOUP.

OH.
NOW FINISH YOUR SOUP.
THE MUPPET MOVIE STARTS IN

NOW FINISH YOUR SOUP.
THE MUPPET MOVIE STARTS IN
20 MINUTES.

THE MUPPET MOVIE STARTS IN
20 MINUTES.
OKAY, RODNEY.

[♪...]
OH, WE MUST'VE SEEN THAT
STUPID PUPPET MOVIE 100 TIMES.

OH, WE MUST'VE SEEN THAT
STUPID PUPPET MOVIE 100 TIMES.
BUT I DIDN'T MIND,

STUPID PUPPET MOVIE 100 TIMES.
BUT I DIDN'T MIND,
IT MADE TRACY HAPPY.

BUT I DIDN'T MIND,
IT MADE TRACY HAPPY.
OH, TRACY.

IT MADE TRACY HAPPY.
OH, TRACY.
SO INNOCENT, SO FRESH,

OH, TRACY.
SO INNOCENT, SO FRESH,
SO FULL OF LIFE.

SO INNOCENT, SO FRESH,
SO FULL OF LIFE.
SHE'S EVERYTHING I EVER LOOKED

SO FULL OF LIFE.
SHE'S EVERYTHING I EVER LOOKED
FOR IN A 10-YEAR-OLD.

SHE'S EVERYTHING I EVER LOOKED
FOR IN A 10-YEAR-OLD.
I GUESS I SHOULD BE ASHAMED

FOR IN A 10-YEAR-OLD.
I GUESS I SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF MYSELF.

I GUESS I SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF MYSELF.
BUT THEN WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO

OF MYSELF.
BUT THEN WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO
DO IN MANHASSET?

BUT THEN WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO
DO IN MANHASSET?
ALL RIGHT?

DO IN MANHASSET?
ALL RIGHT?
RODNEY, IT'S OBVIOUS YOU LIKE

ALL RIGHT?
RODNEY, IT'S OBVIOUS YOU LIKE
TRACY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

RODNEY, IT'S OBVIOUS YOU LIKE
TRACY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
SHE'S PERFECT FOR ME.

TRACY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
SHE'S PERFECT FOR ME.
THAT'S WHAT SCARES THE HELL OUT

SHE'S PERFECT FOR ME.
THAT'S WHAT SCARES THE HELL OUT
OF ME.

THAT'S WHAT SCARES THE HELL OUT
OF ME.
ARE YOU STILL HUNG UP ON YOUR

OF ME.
ARE YOU STILL HUNG UP ON YOUR
EX-WIFE?

ARE YOU STILL HUNG UP ON YOUR
EX-WIFE?
NOT A CHANCE.

EX-WIFE?
NOT A CHANCE.
SHE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.

NOT A CHANCE.
SHE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

SHE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
IMAGINE THEM HAVING SEX.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
IMAGINE THEM HAVING SEX.
THERE THEY ARE, THE TWO OF THEM,

IMAGINE THEM HAVING SEX.
THERE THEY ARE, THE TWO OF THEM,
LYING THERE ON THE BOTTOM.

THERE THEY ARE, THE TWO OF THEM,
LYING THERE ON THE BOTTOM.
YEAH, I KNOW, RODNEY, BUT I

LYING THERE ON THE BOTTOM.
YEAH, I KNOW, RODNEY, BUT I
REALLY WOULD HAVE TO SEE YOU

YEAH, I KNOW, RODNEY, BUT I
REALLY WOULD HAVE TO SEE YOU
LOSE TRACY, YOU KNOW?

REALLY WOULD HAVE TO SEE YOU
LOSE TRACY, YOU KNOW?
SHE'S TERRIFIC.

LOSE TRACY, YOU KNOW?
SHE'S TERRIFIC.
HECK, IF I WERE 30 YEARS

SHE'S TERRIFIC.
HECK, IF I WERE 30 YEARS
YOUNGER, I MIGHT EVEN GIVE

HECK, IF I WERE 30 YEARS
YOUNGER, I MIGHT EVEN GIVE
HER A TRY.

YOUNGER, I MIGHT EVEN GIVE
HER A TRY.
YOU COULD BE RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

[♪...]
CYNTHIA, DO WE HAVE AN
ARITHMETIC TEST TOMORROW?

CYNTHIA, DO WE HAVE AN
ARITHMETIC TEST TOMORROW?
WE DON'T?

ARITHMETIC TEST TOMORROW?
WE DON'T?
GREAT, OKAY, SEE YOU TOMORROW.

RODNEY?
RODNEY, I'M THIRSTY, I WANT A
GLASS OF WATER.

RODNEY, I'M THIRSTY, I WANT A
GLASS OF WATER.
OH, HERE YOU ARE, KID,

GLASS OF WATER.
OH, HERE YOU ARE, KID,
DON'T GULP, WILL YA?

OH, HERE YOU ARE, KID,
DON'T GULP, WILL YA?
RODNEY...

DON'T GULP, WILL YA?
RODNEY...
COULD I STAY OVER TONIGHT?

RODNEY...
COULD I STAY OVER TONIGHT?
I TOLD YOU BEFORE, I DON'T WANT

COULD I STAY OVER TONIGHT?
I TOLD YOU BEFORE, I DON'T WANT
YOU STAYING HERE.

I TOLD YOU BEFORE, I DON'T WANT
YOU STAYING HERE.
YOU'LL GET TOO ATTACHED.

YOU STAYING HERE.
YOU'LL GET TOO ATTACHED.
I'M NO GOOD TO LIVE WITH.

YOU'LL GET TOO ATTACHED.
I'M NO GOOD TO LIVE WITH.
WELL, ARE WE STILL GOING TO

I'M NO GOOD TO LIVE WITH.
WELL, ARE WE STILL GOING TO
THE O'JAYS AT THE WESTBURY MUSIC

WELL, ARE WE STILL GOING TO
THE O'JAYS AT THE WESTBURY MUSIC
FAIR ON SUNDAY?

THE O'JAYS AT THE WESTBURY MUSIC
FAIR ON SUNDAY?
I DON'T KNOW, KID,

FAIR ON SUNDAY?
I DON'T KNOW, KID,
I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, KID,
I DON'T KNOW.
I MIGHT HAVE TO SPEND SOME TIME

I DON'T KNOW.
I MIGHT HAVE TO SPEND SOME TIME
DOWN AT THE CLUB.

I MIGHT HAVE TO SPEND SOME TIME
DOWN AT THE CLUB.
HMM... WELL, 'CAUSE MY CLASS

DOWN AT THE CLUB.
HMM... WELL, 'CAUSE MY CLASS
IS GOING ON A FIELD TRIP TO

HMM... WELL, 'CAUSE MY CLASS
IS GOING ON A FIELD TRIP TO
MANHATTAN THIS SUNDAY.

IS GOING ON A FIELD TRIP TO
MANHATTAN THIS SUNDAY.
WE'RE GONNA VISIT THE MUSEUM OF

MANHATTAN THIS SUNDAY.
WE'RE GONNA VISIT THE MUSEUM OF
NATURAL HISTORY.

WE'RE GONNA VISIT THE MUSEUM OF
NATURAL HISTORY.
OH, THAT'S VERY EXCITING.

NATURAL HISTORY.
OH, THAT'S VERY EXCITING.
BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO

OH, THAT'S VERY EXCITING.
BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO
GO, I WON'T.

BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO
GO, I WON'T.
FORGET ME AND THE O'JAYS,

GO, I WON'T.
FORGET ME AND THE O'JAYS,
TRACY, GO ON THE FIELD TRIP.

FORGET ME AND THE O'JAYS,
TRACY, GO ON THE FIELD TRIP.
RODNEY, I'M GONNA BE GONE ALL

TRACY, GO ON THE FIELD TRIP.
RODNEY, I'M GONNA BE GONE ALL
AFTERNOON.

RODNEY, I'M GONNA BE GONE ALL
AFTERNOON.
LOOK, TRACY, IT'S JUST NOT

AFTERNOON.
LOOK, TRACY, IT'S JUST NOT
GONNA WORK BETWEEN US.

LOOK, TRACY, IT'S JUST NOT
GONNA WORK BETWEEN US.
YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD

GONNA WORK BETWEEN US.
YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD
OF YOU.

YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD
OF YOU.
GOT TO A MUSEUM, YOU'LL LEARN

OF YOU.
GOT TO A MUSEUM, YOU'LL LEARN
STUFF.

GOT TO A MUSEUM, YOU'LL LEARN
STUFF.
OKAY, RODNEY.

STUFF.
OKAY, RODNEY.
AH, COME ON, DON'T FEEL BAD.

OKAY, RODNEY.
AH, COME ON, DON'T FEEL BAD.
LOOK, KID, IT'S LATE.

AH, COME ON, DON'T FEEL BAD.
LOOK, KID, IT'S LATE.
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE YOUR ROLLER

LOOK, KID, IT'S LATE.
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE YOUR ROLLER
SKATES HERE AND TAKE A CAB HOME?

WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE YOUR ROLLER
SKATES HERE AND TAKE A CAB HOME?
OH, I HATED TO BE SO ROUGH ON

SKATES HERE AND TAKE A CAB HOME?
OH, I HATED TO BE SO ROUGH ON
THE KID, BUT MY LIFE WAS ALREADY

OH, I HATED TO BE SO ROUGH ON
THE KID, BUT MY LIFE WAS ALREADY
COMPLICATED ENOUGH.

THE KID, BUT MY LIFE WAS ALREADY
COMPLICATED ENOUGH.
BUSINESS AT THE NIGHT CLUB

COMPLICATED ENOUGH.
BUSINESS AT THE NIGHT CLUB
WASN'T THAT GREAT, AND MY

BUSINESS AT THE NIGHT CLUB
WASN'T THAT GREAT, AND MY
EX-WIFE WAS GIVING ME PROBLEMS.

I READ THE ARTICLE YOU WROTE
ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE IN THE NASSAU
HERALD.

ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE IN THE NASSAU
HERALD.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING IN

HERALD.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING IN
THERE THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING IN
THERE THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

THERE THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU,

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU,
YOU'RE A MAN.

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU,
YOU'RE A MAN.
WELL, SO ARE YOU.

YOU'RE A MAN.
WELL, SO ARE YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

WELL, SO ARE YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SO

[LAUGHTER]
LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SO
THREATENED.

LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SO
THREATENED.
WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?

THREATENED.
WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
IT'S TOUGH ACCEPTING THE FACT

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
IT'S TOUGH ACCEPTING THE FACT
THAT THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS IS

IT'S TOUGH ACCEPTING THE FACT
THAT THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS IS
WITH THE GIRL OF HER DREAMS.

THAT THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS IS
WITH THE GIRL OF HER DREAMS.
HOW'S OUR SON?

WITH THE GIRL OF HER DREAMS.
HOW'S OUR SON?
HE'S FINE.

HOW'S OUR SON?
HE'S FINE.
YEAH, I HEAR THE KIDS IN THE

HE'S FINE.
YEAH, I HEAR THE KIDS IN THE
SCHOOL ARE ALL CALLING HIM A SON

YEAH, I HEAR THE KIDS IN THE
SCHOOL ARE ALL CALLING HIM A SON
OF A BUTCH.

SCHOOL ARE ALL CALLING HIM A SON
OF A BUTCH.
[LAUGHTER]

OF A BUTCH.
[LAUGHTER]
YOUR SON'S DOING FINE AND I'M

[LAUGHTER]
YOUR SON'S DOING FINE AND I'M
DOING FINE.

YOUR SON'S DOING FINE AND I'M
DOING FINE.
SINCE THE DIVORCE, I'VE NEVER

DOING FINE.
SINCE THE DIVORCE, I'VE NEVER
FELT BETTER.

SINCE THE DIVORCE, I'VE NEVER
FELT BETTER.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT UGLY

FELT BETTER.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT UGLY
RUMORS YOU PICK UP FROM YOUR

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT UGLY
RUMORS YOU PICK UP FROM YOUR
LITTLE FRIENDS IN THE FOURTH

RUMORS YOU PICK UP FROM YOUR
LITTLE FRIENDS IN THE FOURTH
GRADE.

LITTLE FRIENDS IN THE FOURTH
GRADE.
NO WONDER YOU DON'T GET ANY

GRADE.
NO WONDER YOU DON'T GET ANY
RESPECT.

NO WONDER YOU DON'T GET ANY
RESPECT.
OH, THAT'S WHY, HUH?

ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?
YEAH, COULD YOU GET THE NEXT
GUY A DIFFERENT FORK?

YEAH, COULD YOU GET THE NEXT
GUY A DIFFERENT FORK?
I'LL DO MY BEST, SIR.

I CAME AS SOON AS I GOT YOUR
MESSAGE, WHAT'S UP?
WELL, I'M NOT SEEING MARY

MESSAGE, WHAT'S UP?
WELL, I'M NOT SEEING MARY
ANYMORE.

WELL, I'M NOT SEEING MARY
ANYMORE.
WE CUT IT OFF.

ANYMORE.
WE CUT IT OFF.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WE CUT IT OFF.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU AND MARY

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU AND MARY
HAD ONE OF THE BEST AFFAIRS OF

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU AND MARY
HAD ONE OF THE BEST AFFAIRS OF
ANYONE I KNEW.

HAD ONE OF THE BEST AFFAIRS OF
ANYONE I KNEW.
YEAH, THE TROUBLE IS, BEING

ANYONE I KNEW.
YEAH, THE TROUBLE IS, BEING
MARRIED AND ALL, I JUST COULDN'T

YEAH, THE TROUBLE IS, BEING
MARRIED AND ALL, I JUST COULDN'T
GIVE HER THE ATTENTION SHE

MARRIED AND ALL, I JUST COULDN'T
GIVE HER THE ATTENTION SHE
DESERVED.

GIVE HER THE ATTENTION SHE
DESERVED.
THAT'S TOO BAD, YOU KNOW?

DESERVED.
THAT'S TOO BAD, YOU KNOW?
I REALLY FEEL FOR YOU, YALE,

THAT'S TOO BAD, YOU KNOW?
I REALLY FEEL FOR YOU, YALE,
BECAUSE LET ME TELL YA.

I REALLY FEEL FOR YOU, YALE,
BECAUSE LET ME TELL YA.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A ONE ON

BECAUSE LET ME TELL YA.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A ONE ON
ONE RELATIONSHIP.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A ONE ON
ONE RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S THE WHOLE THING, A ONE ON

ONE RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S THE WHOLE THING, A ONE ON
ONE RELATIONSHIP.

THAT'S THE WHOLE THING, A ONE ON
ONE RELATIONSHIP.
ALTHOUGH, I TELL YA, TWO ON ONE

ONE RELATIONSHIP.
ALTHOUGH, I TELL YA, TWO ON ONE
ISN'T BAD EITHER, YOU KNOW?

ALTHOUGH, I TELL YA, TWO ON ONE
ISN'T BAD EITHER, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]

ISN'T BAD EITHER, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT JUST WASN'T WORKING,

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT JUST WASN'T WORKING,
I GUESS.

WELL, IT JUST WASN'T WORKING,
I GUESS.
I HOPE SHE'S HAPPY.

I GUESS.
I HOPE SHE'S HAPPY.
I HOPE SHE FINDS WHAT SHE'S

I HOPE SHE'S HAPPY.
I HOPE SHE FINDS WHAT SHE'S
LOOKING FOR, BECAUSE SHE

I HOPE SHE FINDS WHAT SHE'S
LOOKING FOR, BECAUSE SHE
DESERVES TO BE HAPPY.

LOOKING FOR, BECAUSE SHE
DESERVES TO BE HAPPY.
I KNOW.

DESERVES TO BE HAPPY.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S HER PHONE NUMBER?

I KNOW.
WHAT'S HER PHONE NUMBER?
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S HER PHONE NUMBER?
[LAUGHTER]
WOULD YOU LIKE A MENU, SIR?

[LAUGHTER]
WOULD YOU LIKE A MENU, SIR?
OH, YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WOULD YOU LIKE A MENU, SIR?
OH, YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAD TO GET MY MIND OFF TRACY.

OH, YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAD TO GET MY MIND OFF TRACY.
SO I GAVE MARY A CALL.

I HAD TO GET MY MIND OFF TRACY.
SO I GAVE MARY A CALL.
SHE WAS KIND OF SCREWY, BUT AT

SO I GAVE MARY A CALL.
SHE WAS KIND OF SCREWY, BUT AT
LEAST SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE MIND

SHE WAS KIND OF SCREWY, BUT AT
LEAST SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE MIND
OF A 10-YEAR-OLD.

LEAST SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE MIND
OF A 10-YEAR-OLD.
OR SO I THOUGHT.

LA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DA-DA.

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
OH.
UH, I MEAN, UH, I'M SORRY.

OH.
UH, I MEAN, UH, I'M SORRY.
I MEAN, UH, THIS NEVER HAPPENED

UH, I MEAN, UH, I'M SORRY.
I MEAN, UH, THIS NEVER HAPPENED
BEFORE.

I MEAN, UH, THIS NEVER HAPPENED
BEFORE.
WHAT?

BEFORE.
WHAT?
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE, YOU

WHAT?
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE, YOU
KNOW, I DIDN'T, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE, YOU
KNOW, I DIDN'T, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW?

KNOW, I DIDN'T, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT AS

YOU KNOW?
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT AS
LONG AS I YOU KNOWED.

THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT AS
LONG AS I YOU KNOWED.
[LAUGHTER]

LONG AS I YOU KNOWED.
[LAUGHTER]
WHO CARES WHAT YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]
WHO CARES WHAT YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]

WHO CARES WHAT YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
I GUESS IT'S GUILT.

[LAUGHTER]
I GUESS IT'S GUILT.
BUT THEN IT'S ALWAYS GUILT,

I GUESS IT'S GUILT.
BUT THEN IT'S ALWAYS GUILT,
ISN'T IT?

BUT THEN IT'S ALWAYS GUILT,
ISN'T IT?
MARY, MARY, MARY.

ISN'T IT?
MARY, MARY, MARY.
OH, THAT'S SO CLICHE'.

MARY, MARY, MARY.
OH, THAT'S SO CLICHE'.
I MEAN, I'M SORRY.

OH, THAT'S SO CLICHE'.
I MEAN, I'M SORRY.
I MEAN, DON'T MEAN TO APOLOGIZE,

I MEAN, I'M SORRY.
I MEAN, DON'T MEAN TO APOLOGIZE,
I APOLOGIZE TOO MUCH.

I MEAN, DON'T MEAN TO APOLOGIZE,
I APOLOGIZE TOO MUCH.
I MEAN, MY ANALYST SAYS THAT I'M

I APOLOGIZE TOO MUCH.
I MEAN, MY ANALYST SAYS THAT I'M
AFRAID OF, YOU KNOW,

I MEAN, MY ANALYST SAYS THAT I'M
AFRAID OF, YOU KNOW,
WHATCHAMACALLIT, YOU KNOW.

AFRAID OF, YOU KNOW,
WHATCHAMACALLIT, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, PENISES.

WHATCHAMACALLIT, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, PENISES.
I GUESS I JUST DON'T LIKE MEN

I MEAN, PENISES.
I GUESS I JUST DON'T LIKE MEN
THAT MUCH.

I GUESS I JUST DON'T LIKE MEN
THAT MUCH.
I MEAN, I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA,

THAT MUCH.
I MEAN, I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA,
I'M SO CONFUSED.

I MEAN, I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA,
I'M SO CONFUSED.
[LAUGHTER]

I'M SO CONFUSED.
[LAUGHTER]
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO

[LAUGHTER]
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP, MARY?

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP, MARY?
MAYBE... MAYBE.

TO HELP, MARY?
MAYBE... MAYBE.
CAN I HAVE YOUR EX-WIFE'S PHONE

MAYBE... MAYBE.
CAN I HAVE YOUR EX-WIFE'S PHONE
NUMBER?

CAN I HAVE YOUR EX-WIFE'S PHONE
NUMBER?
[LAUGHTER]

NUMBER?
[LAUGHTER]
Rodney: IT WAS NUTS,

[LAUGHTER]
Rodney: IT WAS NUTS,
YOU KNOW.

Rodney: IT WAS NUTS,
YOU KNOW.
BUT AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE WITH

YOU KNOW.
BUT AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE WITH
THAT LUNATIC MARY, I FOUND

BUT AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE WITH
THAT LUNATIC MARY, I FOUND
MYSELF MISSING TRACY.

THAT LUNATIC MARY, I FOUND
MYSELF MISSING TRACY.
I KNEW I DIDN'T WANT HER TO GO

MYSELF MISSING TRACY.
I KNEW I DIDN'T WANT HER TO GO
ON THAT FIELD TRIP.

I KNEW I DIDN'T WANT HER TO GO
ON THAT FIELD TRIP.
SHE'S SO IMPRESSIONABLE.

ON THAT FIELD TRIP.
SHE'S SO IMPRESSIONABLE.
SHE COULD MEET SOME 10-YEAR-OLD

SHE'S SO IMPRESSIONABLE.
SHE COULD MEET SOME 10-YEAR-OLD
STUD IN A CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.

SHE COULD MEET SOME 10-YEAR-OLD
STUD IN A CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.
AND WHERE WOULD THAT LEAVE ME?

STUD IN A CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.
AND WHERE WOULD THAT LEAVE ME?
NICE CAR, HUH?

AFTER THE MUSEUM, MISS
KITTMAN SAID WE COULD GO TO THE
PLANETARIUM.

KITTMAN SAID WE COULD GO TO THE
PLANETARIUM.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO

PLANETARIUM.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
MANHATTAN BEFORE?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
MANHATTAN BEFORE?
SURE, I HAVE.

MANHATTAN BEFORE?
SURE, I HAVE.
OH, YEAH?

SURE, I HAVE.
OH, YEAH?
PROVE IT.

OH, YEAH?
PROVE IT.
MAKE ME PROVE IT.

PROVE IT.
MAKE ME PROVE IT.
OKAY.

MAKE ME PROVE IT.
OKAY.
IF YOU'VE BEEN TO MANHATTAN SO

OKAY.
IF YOU'VE BEEN TO MANHATTAN SO
MANY TIMES BEFORE, WHAT DO YOU

IF YOU'VE BEEN TO MANHATTAN SO
MANY TIMES BEFORE, WHAT DO YOU
DO THERE?

MANY TIMES BEFORE, WHAT DO YOU
DO THERE?
I GO TO CENTRAL PARK, I BUY

DO THERE?
I GO TO CENTRAL PARK, I BUY
SALTED PRETZELS AND LOOSE

I GO TO CENTRAL PARK, I BUY
SALTED PRETZELS AND LOOSE
JOINTS.

SALTED PRETZELS AND LOOSE
JOINTS.
OH, YEAH, SURE.

JOINTS.
OH, YEAH, SURE.
DO THEY SELL LOOSE JOINTS AT

OH, YEAH, SURE.
DO THEY SELL LOOSE JOINTS AT
THE MUSEUM?

DO THEY SELL LOOSE JOINTS AT
THE MUSEUM?
NO, JUST ON THE STEPS.

THE MUSEUM?
NO, JUST ON THE STEPS.
HEY, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE

NO, JUST ON THE STEPS.
HEY, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE
YOU KIDS, ALL RIGHT, COME ON,

HEY, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE
YOU KIDS, ALL RIGHT, COME ON,
BEAT IT, GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU KIDS, ALL RIGHT, COME ON,
BEAT IT, GET OUT OF HERE.
OKAY, MR. DAVIS.

BEAT IT, GET OUT OF HERE.
OKAY, MR. DAVIS.
RODNEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

OKAY, MR. DAVIS.
RODNEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?

RODNEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
TRACY, I THINK I MADE A BIG

HERE?
TRACY, I THINK I MADE A BIG
MISTAKE.

TRACY, I THINK I MADE A BIG
MISTAKE.
I'D PREFER YOU DIDN'T GO ON THE

MISTAKE.
I'D PREFER YOU DIDN'T GO ON THE
FIELD TRIP.

I'D PREFER YOU DIDN'T GO ON THE
FIELD TRIP.
SPEND THE DAY WITH ME.

FIELD TRIP.
SPEND THE DAY WITH ME.
WE'LL GO TO THE WESTBURY

SPEND THE DAY WITH ME.
WE'LL GO TO THE WESTBURY
MUSIC FAIR.

WE'LL GO TO THE WESTBURY
MUSIC FAIR.
RODNEY, I CAN'T.

MUSIC FAIR.
RODNEY, I CAN'T.
I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID

RODNEY, I CAN'T.
I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID
AND YOU WERE RIGHT, I SHOULD GO.

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID
AND YOU WERE RIGHT, I SHOULD GO.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT

AND YOU WERE RIGHT, I SHOULD GO.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT
THE WORLD, ABOUT MYSELF.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT
THE WORLD, ABOUT MYSELF.
THE MUSEUM'S A GREAT PLACE TO

THE WORLD, ABOUT MYSELF.
THE MUSEUM'S A GREAT PLACE TO
START.

THE MUSEUM'S A GREAT PLACE TO
START.
DON'T WORRY, RODNEY.

START.
DON'T WORRY, RODNEY.
IF WHAT WE HAVE BETWEEN US IS

DON'T WORRY, RODNEY.
IF WHAT WE HAVE BETWEEN US IS
REAL, IT'LL STAND THE TEST OF

IF WHAT WE HAVE BETWEEN US IS
REAL, IT'LL STAND THE TEST OF
TIME.

REAL, IT'LL STAND THE TEST OF
TIME.
TRACY, DON'T GO TO MANHATTAN.

TIME.
TRACY, DON'T GO TO MANHATTAN.
IT'S NOT LIKE MANHASSET.

TRACY, DON'T GO TO MANHATTAN.
IT'S NOT LIKE MANHASSET.
IT'S DANGEROUS THERE.

IT'S NOT LIKE MANHASSET.
IT'S DANGEROUS THERE.
I WAS IN MANHATTAN LAST WEEK,

IT'S DANGEROUS THERE.
I WAS IN MANHATTAN LAST WEEK,
I BOUGHT A WATER BED.

I WAS IN MANHATTAN LAST WEEK,
I BOUGHT A WATER BED.
THERE WAS A GUY AT THE BOTTOM OF

I BOUGHT A WATER BED.
THERE WAS A GUY AT THE BOTTOM OF
IT.

THERE WAS A GUY AT THE BOTTOM OF
IT.
[LAUGHTER]

IT.
[LAUGHTER]
RODNEY, FOUR HOURS ISN'T

[LAUGHTER]
RODNEY, FOUR HOURS ISN'T
A LONG TIME.

RODNEY, FOUR HOURS ISN'T
A LONG TIME.
EVERYBODY GETS CORRUPTED.

A LONG TIME.
EVERYBODY GETS CORRUPTED.
YOU GOTTA HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN

EVERYBODY GETS CORRUPTED.
YOU GOTTA HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN
PEOPLE.

YOU GOTTA HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN
PEOPLE.
I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET HOME

PEOPLE.
I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET HOME
TONIGHT, HONEST.

I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET HOME
TONIGHT, HONEST.
TRACY, DON'T GO.

TONIGHT, HONEST.
TRACY, DON'T GO.
RODNEY, I HAVE A BUS TO

TRACY, DON'T GO.
RODNEY, I HAVE A BUS TO
CATCH.

Kids: ♪ 99 BOTTLES OF BEER
ON THE WALL,
99 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪

ON THE WALL,
99 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪
♪ YOU TAKE ONE DOWN

99 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪
♪ YOU TAKE ONE DOWN
PASS IT AROUND

♪ YOU TAKE ONE DOWN
PASS IT AROUND
98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL ♪

PASS IT AROUND
98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL ♪
♪ 98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL

98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL ♪
♪ 98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
98 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪

♪ 98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
98 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪
[♪...]

98 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪
[♪...]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]
WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT IT,
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GO.

WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT IT,
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GO.
AND I'LL TALK TO Y'ALL.

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GO.
AND I'LL TALK TO Y'ALL.
HELLO, I'M CURT GOWDY.

AND I'LL TALK TO Y'ALL.
HELLO, I'M CURT GOWDY.
WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF

HELLO, I'M CURT GOWDY.
WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF
"ROAD TO MOSCOW."

WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF
"ROAD TO MOSCOW."
WELL, THE 1976 WINTER OLYMPICS

"ROAD TO MOSCOW."
WELL, THE 1976 WINTER OLYMPICS
ARE A THING OF THE PAST NOW.

WELL, THE 1976 WINTER OLYMPICS
ARE A THING OF THE PAST NOW.
THEY THRILLED US ALL WITH THEIR

ARE A THING OF THE PAST NOW.
THEY THRILLED US ALL WITH THEIR
WINTER-TIME THRILLS AND LEFT US

THEY THRILLED US ALL WITH THEIR
WINTER-TIME THRILLS AND LEFT US
WITH SOME WONDERFUL MEMORIES.

WINTER-TIME THRILLS AND LEFT US
WITH SOME WONDERFUL MEMORIES.
ERIC HYDEN AND HIS FIVE MEDALS,

WITH SOME WONDERFUL MEMORIES.
ERIC HYDEN AND HIS FIVE MEDALS,
THE AMERICAN HOCKEY TEAM'S UPSET

ERIC HYDEN AND HIS FIVE MEDALS,
THE AMERICAN HOCKEY TEAM'S UPSET
VICTORY ALL GAVE USA A SHOT IN

THE AMERICAN HOCKEY TEAM'S UPSET
VICTORY ALL GAVE USA A SHOT IN
THE ARM, WE REALLY NEEDED ONE.

VICTORY ALL GAVE USA A SHOT IN
THE ARM, WE REALLY NEEDED ONE.
BUT IN SPITE OF THIS, PRESIDENT

THE ARM, WE REALLY NEEDED ONE.
BUT IN SPITE OF THIS, PRESIDENT
CARTER IS STILL INSISTING THAT

BUT IN SPITE OF THIS, PRESIDENT
CARTER IS STILL INSISTING THAT
WE GO THROUGH WITH THE BOYCOTT

CARTER IS STILL INSISTING THAT
WE GO THROUGH WITH THE BOYCOTT
OF THE SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES THIS

WE GO THROUGH WITH THE BOYCOTT
OF THE SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES THIS
SUMMER.

OF THE SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES THIS
SUMMER.
THE QUESTION IS, WOULD A BOYCOTT

SUMMER.
THE QUESTION IS, WOULD A BOYCOTT
HURT THE SOVIETS OR JUST THE

THE QUESTION IS, WOULD A BOYCOTT
HURT THE SOVIETS OR JUST THE
AMERICAN ATHLETES?

HURT THE SOVIETS OR JUST THE
AMERICAN ATHLETES?
TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING WITH

AMERICAN ATHLETES?
TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING WITH
THREE OLYMPIC HOPEFULS:

TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING WITH
THREE OLYMPIC HOPEFULS:
MARK NAGLE, SANDY SMITH,

THREE OLYMPIC HOPEFULS:
MARK NAGLE, SANDY SMITH,
DWIGHT JENKINS.

MARK NAGLE, SANDY SMITH,
DWIGHT JENKINS.
MY FIRST QUESTION WOULD BE, DOES

DWIGHT JENKINS.
MY FIRST QUESTION WOULD BE, DOES
A BOYCOT DAMAGE A TEAM'S MORALE?

MY FIRST QUESTION WOULD BE, DOES
A BOYCOT DAMAGE A TEAM'S MORALE?
Sandy: YOU BET.

A BOYCOT DAMAGE A TEAM'S MORALE?
Sandy: YOU BET.
Mark: SURE.

Sandy: YOU BET.
Mark: SURE.
Dwight: YEAH, YEAH.

Mark: SURE.
Dwight: YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S KILLING OUR MORALE,

Dwight: YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S KILLING OUR MORALE,
CURT.

IT'S KILLING OUR MORALE,
CURT.
I MEAN, WE WERE ALL PSYCHED UP

CURT.
I MEAN, WE WERE ALL PSYCHED UP
TO TRAVEL FOR THE OLYMPICS,

I MEAN, WE WERE ALL PSYCHED UP
TO TRAVEL FOR THE OLYMPICS,
BUT YOU KNOW, NOW IF WE'RE NOT

TO TRAVEL FOR THE OLYMPICS,
BUT YOU KNOW, NOW IF WE'RE NOT
EVEN GONNA SEND A TEAM,

BUT YOU KNOW, NOW IF WE'RE NOT
EVEN GONNA SEND A TEAM,
WHY SHOULD WE BOTHER?

EVEN GONNA SEND A TEAM,
WHY SHOULD WE BOTHER?
SO YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY MADE

WHY SHOULD WE BOTHER?
SO YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY MADE
THE TEAM?

SO YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY MADE
THE TEAM?
WELL, I COULD'VE MADE IT,

THE TEAM?
WELL, I COULD'VE MADE IT,
YOU KNOW?

WELL, I COULD'VE MADE IT,
YOU KNOW?
BUT NOW THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS

YOU KNOW?
BUT NOW THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS
PULLED THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER

BUT NOW THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS
PULLED THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER
ME, WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER?

PULLED THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER
ME, WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER?
I MEAN, I'D HAVE TO TAKE OFF

ME, WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER?
I MEAN, I'D HAVE TO TAKE OFF
WORK.

I MEAN, I'D HAVE TO TAKE OFF
WORK.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TRY OUT,

WORK.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TRY OUT,
YOU KNOW?

WHY DON'T YOU GO TRY OUT,
YOU KNOW?
Dwight: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

YOU KNOW?
Dwight: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU HAD A

Dwight: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU HAD A
GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING IN

WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU HAD A
GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING IN
MOSCOW?

GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING IN
MOSCOW?
WELL, I MAY NOT BE AS FAST AS

MOSCOW?
WELL, I MAY NOT BE AS FAST AS
I USED TO BE, YOU KNOW, BUT I

WELL, I MAY NOT BE AS FAST AS
I USED TO BE, YOU KNOW, BUT I
STILL THINK I'M A PRETTY FAIR

I USED TO BE, YOU KNOW, BUT I
STILL THINK I'M A PRETTY FAIR
ATHLETE.

STILL THINK I'M A PRETTY FAIR
ATHLETE.
WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU

ATHLETE.
WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU
KIDDING, MAN?

WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU
KIDDING, MAN?
THIS GUY WOULD BE GREAT.

KIDDING, MAN?
THIS GUY WOULD BE GREAT.
I MEAN, HE RAN CROSS COUNTRY IN

THIS GUY WOULD BE GREAT.
I MEAN, HE RAN CROSS COUNTRY IN
HIGH SCHOOL, AND WHEN HE WAS A

I MEAN, HE RAN CROSS COUNTRY IN
HIGH SCHOOL, AND WHEN HE WAS A
SOPHOMORE, THAT'S RIGHT, HE WAS

HIGH SCHOOL, AND WHEN HE WAS A
SOPHOMORE, THAT'S RIGHT, HE WAS
AS GOOD AS SOME OF THE GUYS ON

SOPHOMORE, THAT'S RIGHT, HE WAS
AS GOOD AS SOME OF THE GUYS ON
THE VARSITY, THAT'S THE TRUTH.

AS GOOD AS SOME OF THE GUYS ON
THE VARSITY, THAT'S THE TRUTH.
WELL, HOW'D YOU DO WHEN YOU

THE VARSITY, THAT'S THE TRUTH.
WELL, HOW'D YOU DO WHEN YOU
WERE A SENIOR?

WELL, HOW'D YOU DO WHEN YOU
WERE A SENIOR?
WELL, I DIDN'T GO OUT FOR THE

WERE A SENIOR?
WELL, I DIDN'T GO OUT FOR THE
TEAM MY SENIOR YEAR.

WELL, I DIDN'T GO OUT FOR THE
TEAM MY SENIOR YEAR.
I WORKED ON THE SCHOOL PAPER.

TEAM MY SENIOR YEAR.
I WORKED ON THE SCHOOL PAPER.
I WAS THE EDITOR.

I WORKED ON THE SCHOOL PAPER.
I WAS THE EDITOR.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD EXPERIENCE

I WAS THE EDITOR.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD EXPERIENCE
FOR THE FUTURE.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD EXPERIENCE
FOR THE FUTURE.
DWIGHT, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT

FOR THE FUTURE.
DWIGHT, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
THE BOYCOTT?

DWIGHT, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
THE BOYCOTT?
WELL, CURT, I'M PRETTY

THE BOYCOTT?
WELL, CURT, I'M PRETTY
DEPRESSED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

WELL, CURT, I'M PRETTY
DEPRESSED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
THE OLYMPICS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY

DEPRESSED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
THE OLYMPICS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY
DREAM, YOU KNOW?

THE OLYMPICS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY
DREAM, YOU KNOW?
I REALLY WANTED TO COMPETE.

DREAM, YOU KNOW?
I REALLY WANTED TO COMPETE.
Curt: SURE.

I REALLY WANTED TO COMPETE.
Curt: SURE.
I KEPT PUTTING IT OFF,

Curt: SURE.
I KEPT PUTTING IT OFF,
YOU KNOW?

I KEPT PUTTING IT OFF,
YOU KNOW?
IN '68, I PROMISED MY KIDS A

YOU KNOW?
IN '68, I PROMISED MY KIDS A
VACATION.

IN '68, I PROMISED MY KIDS A
VACATION.
IN '72, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING

VACATION.
IN '72, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING
CAME UP.

IN '72, I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING
CAME UP.
IN '76, WE WERE PANELING THE

CAME UP.
IN '76, WE WERE PANELING THE
BASEMENT, YOU KNOW?

IN '76, WE WERE PANELING THE
BASEMENT, YOU KNOW?
FINALLY, I REALIZED THAT 1980 IS

BASEMENT, YOU KNOW?
FINALLY, I REALIZED THAT 1980 IS
PROBABLY MY LAST SHOT.

FINALLY, I REALIZED THAT 1980 IS
PROBABLY MY LAST SHOT.
I'M NO SPRING CHICKEN, YOU KNOW?

PROBABLY MY LAST SHOT.
I'M NO SPRING CHICKEN, YOU KNOW?
IN 1984, I'LL BE 42, MAN.

I'M NO SPRING CHICKEN, YOU KNOW?
IN 1984, I'LL BE 42, MAN.
THANK THE LORD.

IN 1984, I'LL BE 42, MAN.
THANK THE LORD.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.

THANK THE LORD.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
WELL, THAT COULD BE TOO OLD.

I JUST DON'T KNOW.
WELL, THAT COULD BE TOO OLD.
WHAT WAS YOUR EVENT?

WELL, THAT COULD BE TOO OLD.
WHAT WAS YOUR EVENT?
WELL, I WAS GONNA LEAVE THAT

WHAT WAS YOUR EVENT?
WELL, I WAS GONNA LEAVE THAT
UP TO THE COACHES, YOU KNOW.

WELL, I WAS GONNA LEAVE THAT
UP TO THE COACHES, YOU KNOW.
HOWEVER I COULD HELP THE TEAM.

UP TO THE COACHES, YOU KNOW.
HOWEVER I COULD HELP THE TEAM.
YOU KNOW, RUNNING, BASEBALL,

HOWEVER I COULD HELP THE TEAM.
YOU KNOW, RUNNING, BASEBALL,
JUMPING, LIFTING STUFF.

YOU KNOW, RUNNING, BASEBALL,
JUMPING, LIFTING STUFF.
SO YOU WERE THINKING OF THE

JUMPING, LIFTING STUFF.
SO YOU WERE THINKING OF THE
DECATHLON?

SO YOU WERE THINKING OF THE
DECATHLON?
WHAT?

DECATHLON?
WHAT?
CLASSIC GREEK EVENT,

WHAT?
CLASSIC GREEK EVENT,
THE DECATHLON.

CLASSIC GREEK EVENT,
THE DECATHLON.
DISCUSS, HURDLES, POLE VAULT...

THE DECATHLON.
DISCUSS, HURDLES, POLE VAULT...
SURE, SURE, I COULD PROBABLY

DISCUSS, HURDLES, POLE VAULT...
SURE, SURE, I COULD PROBABLY
DO THAT TOO, YOU KNOW?

SURE, SURE, I COULD PROBABLY
DO THAT TOO, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]

DO THAT TOO, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, MAYBE NOT THE POLE VAULT,

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, MAYBE NOT THE POLE VAULT,
MAN, I CONCENTRATE MOSTLY ON

WELL, MAYBE NOT THE POLE VAULT,
MAN, I CONCENTRATE MOSTLY ON
SWIMMING, RIGHT?

MAN, I CONCENTRATE MOSTLY ON
SWIMMING, RIGHT?
WHEN DID YOU SWIM?

SWIMMING, RIGHT?
WHEN DID YOU SWIM?
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SWIMMING,

WHEN DID YOU SWIM?
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SWIMMING,
YOU'RE AFRAID OF THE WATER.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SWIMMING,
YOU'RE AFRAID OF THE WATER.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU'RE AFRAID OF THE WATER.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
NO, I SWIM A LOT.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
NO, I SWIM A LOT.
ALL THE TIME, MAN.

NO, I SWIM A LOT.
ALL THE TIME, MAN.
I MEAN, WELL, NOT LATELY,

ALL THE TIME, MAN.
I MEAN, WELL, NOT LATELY,
OF COURSE.

I MEAN, WELL, NOT LATELY,
OF COURSE.
NOT SINCE CARTER MADE US QUIT.

OF COURSE.
NOT SINCE CARTER MADE US QUIT.
WELL, SANDY, WHAT CAN YOU

NOT SINCE CARTER MADE US QUIT.
WELL, SANDY, WHAT CAN YOU
TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE?

WELL, SANDY, WHAT CAN YOU
TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE?
OH, WELL, BEFORE THE BOYCOTT, I

TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE?
OH, WELL, BEFORE THE BOYCOTT, I
WAS REALLY GOOD ABOUT STICKING

OH, WELL, BEFORE THE BOYCOTT, I
WAS REALLY GOOD ABOUT STICKING
TO MY TRAINING SCHEDULE.

WAS REALLY GOOD ABOUT STICKING
TO MY TRAINING SCHEDULE.
I WAS SWIMMING A LOT, MOSTLY

TO MY TRAINING SCHEDULE.
I WAS SWIMMING A LOT, MOSTLY
FREESTYLE.

I WAS SWIMMING A LOT, MOSTLY
FREESTYLE.
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS, YOU KNOW?

FREESTYLE.
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS, YOU KNOW?
WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK

A LITTLE BIT OF THIS, YOU KNOW?
WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK
BEHIND YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU'RE

WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK
BEHIND YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU'RE
DOING.

BEHIND YOU TO SEE WHAT YOU'RE
DOING.
[LAUGHTER]

DOING.
[LAUGHTER]
BACKSTROKE?

[LAUGHTER]
BACKSTROKE?
YEAH.

BACKSTROKE?
YEAH.
SURE.

YEAH.
SURE.
I WAS GETTING UP EARLY,

SURE.
I WAS GETTING UP EARLY,
EATING RIGHT, TAKING VITAMINS,

I WAS GETTING UP EARLY,
EATING RIGHT, TAKING VITAMINS,
READING BOOKS, I EVEN QUIT

EATING RIGHT, TAKING VITAMINS,
READING BOOKS, I EVEN QUIT
SMOKING.

READING BOOKS, I EVEN QUIT
SMOKING.
THAT IS UNTIL THE BOYCOTT.

SMOKING.
THAT IS UNTIL THE BOYCOTT.
BUT THANKS TO PRESIDENT JIMMY

THAT IS UNTIL THE BOYCOTT.
BUT THANKS TO PRESIDENT JIMMY
"QUITTER", I'M BACK TO THREE

BUT THANKS TO PRESIDENT JIMMY
"QUITTER", I'M BACK TO THREE
PACKS A DAY.

"QUITTER", I'M BACK TO THREE
PACKS A DAY.
[LAUGHTER]

PACKS A DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.
I'D GOTTEN COMPLETE RID OF THE

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.
I'D GOTTEN COMPLETE RID OF THE
SPARE TIRE, COMPLETELY RID OF

I'D GOTTEN COMPLETE RID OF THE
SPARE TIRE, COMPLETELY RID OF
IT.

SPARE TIRE, COMPLETELY RID OF
IT.
I WAS EXERCISING THREE DAYS A

IT.
I WAS EXERCISING THREE DAYS A
WEEK.

I WAS EXERCISING THREE DAYS A
WEEK.
AND CURT, ANY ATHLETE WILL TELL

WEEK.
AND CURT, ANY ATHLETE WILL TELL
YOU, EXERCISE IS ONE OF THE MOST

AND CURT, ANY ATHLETE WILL TELL
YOU, EXERCISE IS ONE OF THE MOST
HORRIBLE THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO.

YOU, EXERCISE IS ONE OF THE MOST
HORRIBLE THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO.
[LAUGHTER]

HORRIBLE THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO.
[LAUGHTER]
TELL ME ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER]
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I WAS DOING KNEE BENDS, JUMPING

TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I WAS DOING KNEE BENDS, JUMPING
JACKS, TOUCHING TOES, THESE

I WAS DOING KNEE BENDS, JUMPING
JACKS, TOUCHING TOES, THESE
THINGS, YOU KNOW?

JACKS, TOUCHING TOES, THESE
THINGS, YOU KNOW?
BACKSTROKE?

THINGS, YOU KNOW?
BACKSTROKE?
WHIRLY BIRDS, I DO THOSE TOO.

BACKSTROKE?
WHIRLY BIRDS, I DO THOSE TOO.
[LAUGHTER]

WHIRLY BIRDS, I DO THOSE TOO.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, TWO MONTHS AGO, CURT, I WAS

[LAUGHTER]
HEY, TWO MONTHS AGO, CURT, I WAS
REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO

HEY, TWO MONTHS AGO, CURT, I WAS
REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO
MOSCOW.

REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO
MOSCOW.
I FIGURED I'D ENTER, LIKE,

MOSCOW.
I FIGURED I'D ENTER, LIKE,
EIGHT EVENTS.

I FIGURED I'D ENTER, LIKE,
EIGHT EVENTS.
YOU KNOW I'M GONNA WIN AT LEAST

EIGHT EVENTS.
YOU KNOW I'M GONNA WIN AT LEAST
ONE OF THEM.

YOU KNOW I'M GONNA WIN AT LEAST
ONE OF THEM.
SURE.

ONE OF THEM.
SURE.
YOU KNOW, HIGH JUMP, MAYBE

SURE.
YOU KNOW, HIGH JUMP, MAYBE
ARCHERY OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, HIGH JUMP, MAYBE
ARCHERY OR SOMETHING.
SOCCER, MAN, YOU'D BE GREAT

ARCHERY OR SOMETHING.
SOCCER, MAN, YOU'D BE GREAT
AT SOCCER BALL.

SOCCER, MAN, YOU'D BE GREAT
AT SOCCER BALL.
YEAH, PROBABLY.

AT SOCCER BALL.
YEAH, PROBABLY.
I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW NOW.

YEAH, PROBABLY.
I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW NOW.
[LAUGHTER]

I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE
CONTROVERSY, THERE WAS NOTHING

YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE
CONTROVERSY, THERE WAS NOTHING
I WANTED SO MUCH AS TO WIN A

CONTROVERSY, THERE WAS NOTHING
I WANTED SO MUCH AS TO WIN A
GOLD MEDAL IN THE OLYMPICS.

I WANTED SO MUCH AS TO WIN A
GOLD MEDAL IN THE OLYMPICS.
NOW EVEN IF WE GET THERE, I'LL

GOLD MEDAL IN THE OLYMPICS.
NOW EVEN IF WE GET THERE, I'LL
BE LUCKY TO GET A BRONZE.

NOW EVEN IF WE GET THERE, I'LL
BE LUCKY TO GET A BRONZE.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S A MOOT

BE LUCKY TO GET A BRONZE.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S A MOOT
POINT IF THE BOYCOTT GOES

WELL, I GUESS IT'S A MOOT
POINT IF THE BOYCOTT GOES
THROUGH, WHICH IT LOOKS LIKE

POINT IF THE BOYCOTT GOES
THROUGH, WHICH IT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S GONNA.

THROUGH, WHICH IT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S GONNA.
WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME.

IT'S GONNA.
WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME.
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING

WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF TIME.
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING
TO ADD?

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING
TO ADD?
YEAH, I'D JUST LIKE TO ASK,

TO ADD?
YEAH, I'D JUST LIKE TO ASK,
WHY CAN'T THEY KEEP POLITICS OUT

YEAH, I'D JUST LIKE TO ASK,
WHY CAN'T THEY KEEP POLITICS OUT
OF THE SPORTS?

WHY CAN'T THEY KEEP POLITICS OUT
OF THE SPORTS?
AMEN.

OF THE SPORTS?
AMEN.
THE OLYMPICS SHOULD BE A FORM

AMEN.
THE OLYMPICS SHOULD BE A FORM
FOR ATHLETES FROM ALL OVER THE

THE OLYMPICS SHOULD BE A FORM
FOR ATHLETES FROM ALL OVER THE
WORLD TO GET TOGETHER, EAT

FOR ATHLETES FROM ALL OVER THE
WORLD TO GET TOGETHER, EAT
RIGHT, SLEEP AT REGULAR HOURS

WORLD TO GET TOGETHER, EAT
RIGHT, SLEEP AT REGULAR HOURS
AND QUIT SMOKING.

RIGHT, SLEEP AT REGULAR HOURS
AND QUIT SMOKING.
AMEN.

AND QUIT SMOKING.
AMEN.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

AMEN.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THESE ASPIRING ATHLETES ARE

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THESE ASPIRING ATHLETES ARE
BITTER.

THESE ASPIRING ATHLETES ARE
BITTER.
MAYBE THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT

BITTER.
MAYBE THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BE.

MAYBE THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BE.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE

TO BE.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE
TALKING TO SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO

JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE
TALKING TO SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO
ARE PLANNING TO WATCH THE GAMES.

TALKING TO SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO
ARE PLANNING TO WATCH THE GAMES.
NOW THEY'RE NOT SO SURE.

ARE PLANNING TO WATCH THE GAMES.
NOW THEY'RE NOT SO SURE.
I'M CURT GOWDY, GOOD-BYE,

NOW THEY'RE NOT SO SURE.
I'M CURT GOWDY, GOOD-BYE,
EVERYBODY.

I'M CURT GOWDY, GOOD-BYE,
EVERYBODY.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

NEXT WEEK, MARCH 15th, WE
CELEBRATE THE 100th YEAR OF
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

CELEBRATE THE 100th YEAR OF
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY...

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY...
GILDA, THAT'S THE 100th SHOW.

IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY...
GILDA, THAT'S THE 100th SHOW.
NOT THE 100th YEAR.

GILDA, THAT'S THE 100th SHOW.
NOT THE 100th YEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT.

NOT THE 100th YEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND TO HELP US CELEBRATE, WE

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND TO HELP US CELEBRATE, WE
HAVE THE MOST EXCITING

AND TO HELP US CELEBRATE, WE
HAVE THE MOST EXCITING
LINE UP...

HAVE THE MOST EXCITING
LINE UP...
IT'S A SURPRISE, WE'RE NOT

LINE UP...
IT'S A SURPRISE, WE'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO TELL.

IT'S A SURPRISE, WE'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO TELL.
OH, I KNOW THAT.

SUPPOSED TO TELL.
OH, I KNOW THAT.
SO BE THERE NEXT WEEK WHEN

OH, I KNOW THAT.
SO BE THERE NEXT WEEK WHEN
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CELEBRATES

SO BE THERE NEXT WEEK WHEN
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CELEBRATES
IT'S FIRST 100 YEARS.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CELEBRATES
IT'S FIRST 100 YEARS.
WE'LL HAVE PAUL SIMON, JAMES

IT'S FIRST 100 YEARS.
WE'LL HAVE PAUL SIMON, JAMES
TAYLOR, RALPH NADER...

WE'LL HAVE PAUL SIMON, JAMES
TAYLOR, RALPH NADER...
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL,

TAYLOR, RALPH NADER...
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL,
JANE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL,
JANE.
SEE YOU THEN.

JANE.
SEE YOU THEN.
SEE YOU THEN.

SEE YOU THEN.
SEE YOU THEN.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH!
COURT IS NOW IN SESSION!
SUBSTITUTE JUDGE MILTON CROTCH

COURT IS NOW IN SESSION!
SUBSTITUTE JUDGE MILTON CROTCH
PRESIDING!

SUBSTITUTE JUDGE MILTON CROTCH
PRESIDING!
ALL RISE!

PRESIDING!
ALL RISE!
Man: CROTCH?

ALL RISE!
Man: CROTCH?
[LAUGHTER]

Man: CROTCH?
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW YOU ALL WERE

[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW YOU ALL WERE
EXPECTING YOUR REGULAR JUDGE,

I KNOW YOU ALL WERE
EXPECTING YOUR REGULAR JUDGE,
BUT JUDGE HOFFMEYER IS SICK

EXPECTING YOUR REGULAR JUDGE,
BUT JUDGE HOFFMEYER IS SICK
TODAY, AND I AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE

BUT JUDGE HOFFMEYER IS SICK
TODAY, AND I AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE
JUDGE.

TODAY, AND I AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE
JUDGE.
MY NAME IS JUDGE CROTCHET,

JUDGE.
MY NAME IS JUDGE CROTCHET,
NOT CROTCH.

MY NAME IS JUDGE CROTCHET,
NOT CROTCH.
[LAUGHTER]

NOT CROTCH.
[LAUGHTER]
Crowd: CROTCH, CROTCH,

[LAUGHTER]
Crowd: CROTCH, CROTCH,
CROTCH!

Crowd: CROTCH, CROTCH,
CROTCH!
ALL RIGHT, NOW I KNOW

CROTCH!
ALL RIGHT, NOW I KNOW
IT'S FRIDAY, IT'S THE END

ALL RIGHT, NOW I KNOW
IT'S FRIDAY, IT'S THE END
OF THE WEEK.

IT'S FRIDAY, IT'S THE END
OF THE WEEK.
BUT JUST BECAUSE JUDGE HOFFMEYER

OF THE WEEK.
BUT JUST BECAUSE JUDGE HOFFMEYER
IS NOT HERE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN

BUT JUST BECAUSE JUDGE HOFFMEYER
IS NOT HERE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

IS NOT HERE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.
YOU UNDERSTAND?

THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOW, WHILE I TRY TO

YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOW, WHILE I TRY TO
FIND MY PLACE HERE, YOU MAY

NOW, WHILE I TRY TO
FIND MY PLACE HERE, YOU MAY
SPEAK QUIETLY TO YOUR NEIGHBOR.

FIND MY PLACE HERE, YOU MAY
SPEAK QUIETLY TO YOUR NEIGHBOR.
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]

SPEAK QUIETLY TO YOUR NEIGHBOR.
[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]
I SAID QUIETLY!

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]
I SAID QUIETLY!
QUIETLY!

I SAID QUIETLY!
QUIETLY!
YOUR HONOR...

QUIETLY!
YOUR HONOR...
UH...

YOUR HONOR...
UH...
I'M THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

UH...
I'M THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
IN THIS CASE, AND YESTERDAY,

I'M THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
IN THIS CASE, AND YESTERDAY,
JUDGE HOFFMEYER SAID THAT

IN THIS CASE, AND YESTERDAY,
JUDGE HOFFMEYER SAID THAT
IF WE WERE GOOD, WE COULD HAVE

JUDGE HOFFMEYER SAID THAT
IF WE WERE GOOD, WE COULD HAVE
COURT OUTSIDE TODAY.

IF WE WERE GOOD, WE COULD HAVE
COURT OUTSIDE TODAY.
[CROWD MURMURRING]

COURT OUTSIDE TODAY.
[CROWD MURMURRING]
HONESTLY, I SWEAR.

[CROWD MURMURRING]
HONESTLY, I SWEAR.
YOU CAN ASK THE DEFENSE

HONESTLY, I SWEAR.
YOU CAN ASK THE DEFENSE
ATTORNEY!

YOU CAN ASK THE DEFENSE
ATTORNEY!
YEAH, IT'S TRUE, YOUR HONOR,

ATTORNEY!
YEAH, IT'S TRUE, YOUR HONOR,
WE WERE, UH...

YEAH, IT'S TRUE, YOUR HONOR,
WE WERE, UH...
GONNA GO TO THE SCENE OF THE

WE WERE, UH...
GONNA GO TO THE SCENE OF THE
CRIME AND TELL GHOST STORIES.

GONNA GO TO THE SCENE OF THE
CRIME AND TELL GHOST STORIES.
YEAH, YEAH.

CRIME AND TELL GHOST STORIES.
YEAH, YEAH.
WOULD THIS BE RELEVANT

YEAH, YEAH.
WOULD THIS BE RELEVANT
TO THE CASE?

WOULD THIS BE RELEVANT
TO THE CASE?
AW, SURE.

TO THE CASE?
AW, SURE.
YEAH, IT IS.

AW, SURE.
YEAH, IT IS.
WELL, I UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU

YEAH, IT IS.
WELL, I UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU
WERE READY TO GIVE YOUR FINAL

WELL, I UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU
WERE READY TO GIVE YOUR FINAL
SUMMATIONS.

WERE READY TO GIVE YOUR FINAL
SUMMATIONS.
OH, NO, NO.

SUMMATIONS.
OH, NO, NO.
NO.

OH, NO, NO.
NO.
WE WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO TALK

NO.
WE WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO TALK
ABOUT THE FINAL SUMMATIONS

WE WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO TALK
ABOUT THE FINAL SUMMATIONS
TODAY.

ABOUT THE FINAL SUMMATIONS
TODAY.
YEAH, WE WERE SUPPOSED

TODAY.
YEAH, WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO HAVE COURT OUTSIDE

YEAH, WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO HAVE COURT OUTSIDE
BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.

TO HAVE COURT OUTSIDE
BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
YEAH.

BECAUSE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
YEAH.
[CROWD SINGS "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]

YEAH.
[CROWD SINGS "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]
[♪...]

[CROWD SINGS "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]
[♪...]
ORDER, ORDER!

[♪...]
ORDER, ORDER!
OR I'LL HAVE THE BAILIFF CLEAR

ORDER, ORDER!
OR I'LL HAVE THE BAILIFF CLEAR
THE ROOM!

OR I'LL HAVE THE BAILIFF CLEAR
THE ROOM!
WHERE IS THE BAILIFF?

THE ROOM!
WHERE IS THE BAILIFF?
HE CLEARED OUT OF THE ROOM.

WHERE IS THE BAILIFF?
HE CLEARED OUT OF THE ROOM.
[LAUGHTER]

HE CLEARED OUT OF THE ROOM.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S A GOOD ONE!

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S A GOOD ONE!
Judge: WOULD SOMEONE

THAT'S A GOOD ONE!
Judge: WOULD SOMEONE
PLEASE GO FIND HIM?

Judge: WOULD SOMEONE
PLEASE GO FIND HIM?
Prosecutor: I'LL FIND HIM!

PLEASE GO FIND HIM?
Prosecutor: I'LL FIND HIM!
Defense: I'LL FIND HIM!

Prosecutor: I'LL FIND HIM!
Defense: I'LL FIND HIM!
Judge: NOT EVERYONE.

Defense: I'LL FIND HIM!
Judge: NOT EVERYONE.
JUST ONE WILL DO, THE REST

Judge: NOT EVERYONE.
JUST ONE WILL DO, THE REST
OF YOU CAN SIT.

JUST ONE WILL DO, THE REST
OF YOU CAN SIT.
MY GOODNESS.

OF YOU CAN SIT.
MY GOODNESS.
NOW WHERE IS THIS DEFENDANT,

MY GOODNESS.
NOW WHERE IS THIS DEFENDANT,
UH... MR. RICHARD HERTZ?

NOW WHERE IS THIS DEFENDANT,
UH... MR. RICHARD HERTZ?
HIS NAME IS DICK, YOUR HONOR.

UH... MR. RICHARD HERTZ?
HIS NAME IS DICK, YOUR HONOR.
ALL RIGHT WHO'S DICK HERTZ?

HIS NAME IS DICK, YOUR HONOR.
ALL RIGHT WHO'S DICK HERTZ?
[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT WHO'S DICK HERTZ?
[LAUGHTER]
[GAVEL BANGING]

[LAUGHTER]
[GAVEL BANGING]
RIGHT HERE, JUDGE!

[GAVEL BANGING]
RIGHT HERE, JUDGE!
[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT HERE, JUDGE!
[LAUGHTER]
YOU JUST GO!

[LAUGHTER]
YOU JUST GO!
WE DON'T NEED YOU HERE!

YOU JUST GO!
WE DON'T NEED YOU HERE!
WAIT, WAIT, YOUR HONOR,

WE DON'T NEED YOU HERE!
WAIT, WAIT, YOUR HONOR,
HE'S THE DEFENDANT.

WAIT, WAIT, YOUR HONOR,
HE'S THE DEFENDANT.
OH, THEN WE DO NEED YOU,

HE'S THE DEFENDANT.
OH, THEN WE DO NEED YOU,
YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.

OH, THEN WE DO NEED YOU,
YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.
WHERE WERE YOU ANYWAY, BAILIFF?

YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.
WHERE WERE YOU ANYWAY, BAILIFF?
YOUR HONOR, I WAS EMPTYING

WHERE WERE YOU ANYWAY, BAILIFF?
YOUR HONOR, I WAS EMPTYING
THE WASTE BASKET.

YOUR HONOR, I WAS EMPTYING
THE WASTE BASKET.
DO YOU HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER

THE WASTE BASKET.
DO YOU HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER
WHO'S A BAILIFF?

DO YOU HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER
WHO'S A BAILIFF?
YES, YOUR HONOR.

WHO'S A BAILIFF?
YES, YOUR HONOR.
YEAH, I REMEMBER HIM.

YES, YOUR HONOR.
YEAH, I REMEMBER HIM.
IN NIGHT COURT.

YEAH, I REMEMBER HIM.
IN NIGHT COURT.
YEAH, A FINE BAILIFF

IN NIGHT COURT.
YEAH, A FINE BAILIFF
IN NIGHT COURT.

YEAH, A FINE BAILIFF
IN NIGHT COURT.
I HOPE YOU'RE AS GOOD.

IN NIGHT COURT.
I HOPE YOU'RE AS GOOD.
NOW MR. HERTZ, IS THIS THE FIRST

I HOPE YOU'RE AS GOOD.
NOW MR. HERTZ, IS THIS THE FIRST
TIME YOU'VE BEEN UP BEFORE ME?

NOW MR. HERTZ, IS THIS THE FIRST
TIME YOU'VE BEEN UP BEFORE ME?
I DON'T KNOW.

TIME YOU'VE BEEN UP BEFORE ME?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT TIME DO YOU USUALLY GET UP?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT TIME DO YOU USUALLY GET UP?
[LAUGHTER]

WHAT TIME DO YOU USUALLY GET UP?
[LAUGHTER]
Judge: SIT DOWN!

[LAUGHTER]
Judge: SIT DOWN!
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN!

Judge: SIT DOWN!
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN!
NOW PERHAPS THE COURT REPORTER

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN!
NOW PERHAPS THE COURT REPORTER
WILL PLEASE REFRESH OUR MEMORY

NOW PERHAPS THE COURT REPORTER
WILL PLEASE REFRESH OUR MEMORY
AND TELL US WHAT WERE THE

WILL PLEASE REFRESH OUR MEMORY
AND TELL US WHAT WERE THE
LAST WORDS OF YESTERDAY'S

AND TELL US WHAT WERE THE
LAST WORDS OF YESTERDAY'S
PROCEEDINGS?

LAST WORDS OF YESTERDAY'S
PROCEEDINGS?
UH... "COURT DISMISSED UNTIL

PROCEEDINGS?
UH... "COURT DISMISSED UNTIL
10:00 A.M. TOMORROW."

UH... "COURT DISMISSED UNTIL
10:00 A.M. TOMORROW."
[LAUGHTER]

10:00 A.M. TOMORROW."
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN BEFORE IT.

[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN BEFORE IT.
YES, YOUR HONOR.

I MEAN BEFORE IT.
YES, YOUR HONOR.
UM... THE DEFENSE STATED

YES, YOUR HONOR.
UM... THE DEFENSE STATED
THAT PROSECUTION HASN'T PRODUCED

UM... THE DEFENSE STATED
THAT PROSECUTION HASN'T PRODUCED
A MURDER WEAPON OR MOTIVE.

THAT PROSECUTION HASN'T PRODUCED
A MURDER WEAPON OR MOTIVE.
AND THE PROSECUTION SAID,

A MURDER WEAPON OR MOTIVE.
AND THE PROSECUTION SAID,
"SO WHAT?

AND THE PROSECUTION SAID,
"SO WHAT?
I BET HE DID IT, ANYWAY."

"SO WHAT?
I BET HE DID IT, ANYWAY."
Crowd: LIAR, LIAR, LIAR,

I BET HE DID IT, ANYWAY."
Crowd: LIAR, LIAR, LIAR,
LIAR, LIAR!

Crowd: LIAR, LIAR, LIAR,
LIAR, LIAR!
I AM NOT!

LIAR, LIAR!
I AM NOT!
QUIET!

I AM NOT!
QUIET!
QUITE, PLEASE!

QUIET!
QUITE, PLEASE!
WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

QUITE, PLEASE!
WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?
YOU'RE DISRUPTING MY COURTROOM

WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?
YOU'RE DISRUPTING MY COURTROOM
NEXT DOOR.

YOU'RE DISRUPTING MY COURTROOM
NEXT DOOR.
WHERE IS JUDGE HOFFMEYER?

NEXT DOOR.
WHERE IS JUDGE HOFFMEYER?
JUDGE HOFFMEYER IS SICK,

WHERE IS JUDGE HOFFMEYER?
JUDGE HOFFMEYER IS SICK,
AND I'M SUBSTITUTING.

JUDGE HOFFMEYER IS SICK,
AND I'M SUBSTITUTING.
WELL, I WANT THE NAMES

AND I'M SUBSTITUTING.
WELL, I WANT THE NAMES
OF EACH AND EVERY ONE

WELL, I WANT THE NAMES
OF EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF THESE PEOPLE.

OF EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF THESE PEOPLE.
I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE

OF THESE PEOPLE.
I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE
THE REGULAR JUDGE IS

I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE
THE REGULAR JUDGE IS
INFORMED OF THIS!

THE REGULAR JUDGE IS
INFORMED OF THIS!
AND IF I HEAR ONE MORE PEEP OUT

INFORMED OF THIS!
AND IF I HEAR ONE MORE PEEP OUT
OF THIS COURTROOM, I AM GOING TO

AND IF I HEAR ONE MORE PEEP OUT
OF THIS COURTROOM, I AM GOING TO
COME BACK HERE AND I'LL

OF THIS COURTROOM, I AM GOING TO
COME BACK HERE AND I'LL
ADMINISTER SOME JUSTICE!

COME BACK HERE AND I'LL
ADMINISTER SOME JUSTICE!
[CROWD "OOH" s]

ADMINISTER SOME JUSTICE!
[CROWD "OOH" s]
THANK YOU.

[CROWD "OOH" s]
THANK YOU.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.

THANK YOU.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.
NOW, SHALL WE GET ON WITH THIS

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.
NOW, SHALL WE GET ON WITH THIS
TRIAL?

NOW, SHALL WE GET ON WITH THIS
TRIAL?
NO, LET'S FORGET IT!

TRIAL?
NO, LET'S FORGET IT!
SILENCE, SILENCE!

NO, LET'S FORGET IT!
SILENCE, SILENCE!
NOW, PROSECUTOR...

SILENCE, SILENCE!
NOW, PROSECUTOR...
WHY HAVEN'T YOU PRODUCED

NOW, PROSECUTOR...
WHY HAVEN'T YOU PRODUCED
A WEAPON?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU PRODUCED
A WEAPON?
OH, BUT WE TALKED ABOUT THAT.

A WEAPON?
OH, BUT WE TALKED ABOUT THAT.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT,

OH, BUT WE TALKED ABOUT THAT.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU WEREN'T HERE.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU WEREN'T HERE.
I KEEP FORGETTING THAT.

YOU WEREN'T HERE.
I KEEP FORGETTING THAT.
YEAH, I WAS GONNA BRING THE

I KEEP FORGETTING THAT.
YEAH, I WAS GONNA BRING THE
MURDER WEAPON NEXT WEEK.

YEAH, I WAS GONNA BRING THE
MURDER WEAPON NEXT WEEK.
I MEAN, THEY HAVE TO TAG IT AND

MURDER WEAPON NEXT WEEK.
I MEAN, THEY HAVE TO TAG IT AND
SAY THAT IT'S EVIDENCE AND STUFF

I MEAN, THEY HAVE TO TAG IT AND
SAY THAT IT'S EVIDENCE AND STUFF
LIKE THAT.

SAY THAT IT'S EVIDENCE AND STUFF
LIKE THAT.
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME TOUCH

LIKE THAT.
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME TOUCH
IT, I GUESS.

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME TOUCH
IT, I GUESS.
BUT, UH...

IT, I GUESS.
BUT, UH...
UH...

BUT, UH...
UH...
WE WERE JUST GONNA TALK ABOUT

UH...
WE WERE JUST GONNA TALK ABOUT
THE MURDER WEAPON THIS WEEK.

WE WERE JUST GONNA TALK ABOUT
THE MURDER WEAPON THIS WEEK.
WE WEREN'T GONNA BRING IT

THE MURDER WEAPON THIS WEEK.
WE WEREN'T GONNA BRING IT
IN UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

WE WEREN'T GONNA BRING IT
IN UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
THAT'S WHAT JUDGE HOFFMEYER

IN UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
THAT'S WHAT JUDGE HOFFMEYER
SAID.

THAT'S WHAT JUDGE HOFFMEYER
SAID.
YOUR HONOR?

SAID.
YOUR HONOR?
ARE JURORS SUPPOSED TO BE

YOUR HONOR?
ARE JURORS SUPPOSED TO BE
ASLEEP?

ARE JURORS SUPPOSED TO BE
ASLEEP?
Judge: WILL SOMEONE WAKE

ASLEEP?
Judge: WILL SOMEONE WAKE
UP THAT PERSON?

Judge: WILL SOMEONE WAKE
UP THAT PERSON?
PLEASE, WAKE UP!

UP THAT PERSON?
PLEASE, WAKE UP!
AND WHAT ARE YOU JURORS DOING,

PLEASE, WAKE UP!
AND WHAT ARE YOU JURORS DOING,
ANYWAY?

AND WHAT ARE YOU JURORS DOING,
ANYWAY?
DOES JUDGE HOFFMEYER ALLOW YOU

ANYWAY?
DOES JUDGE HOFFMEYER ALLOW YOU
TO READ NEWSPAPERS IN COURT?

DOES JUDGE HOFFMEYER ALLOW YOU
TO READ NEWSPAPERS IN COURT?
SURE!

TO READ NEWSPAPERS IN COURT?
SURE!
BESIDES, MINE'S A COMIC.

SURE!
BESIDES, MINE'S A COMIC.
YOU GIVE ME THAT!

BESIDES, MINE'S A COMIC.
YOU GIVE ME THAT!
HEY, THAT'S MINE!

YOU GIVE ME THAT!
HEY, THAT'S MINE!
I BOUGHT IT!

HEY, THAT'S MINE!
I BOUGHT IT!
THAT'S STEALING!

I BOUGHT IT!
THAT'S STEALING!
YOU'LL GET IT BACK

THAT'S STEALING!
YOU'LL GET IT BACK
WHEN COURT IS DISMISSED.

YOU'LL GET IT BACK
WHEN COURT IS DISMISSED.
[FLATULENCE NOISES]

WHEN COURT IS DISMISSED.
[FLATULENCE NOISES]
EXCUSE ME!

[FLATULENCE NOISES]
EXCUSE ME!
[LAUGHTER]

EXCUSE ME!
[LAUGHTER]
EXCUSE ME!

[LAUGHTER]
EXCUSE ME!
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO SHOW THAT

EXCUSE ME!
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO SHOW THAT
TO EVERYONE?

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO SHOW THAT
TO EVERYONE?
WHY DON'T YOU?

TO EVERYONE?
WHY DON'T YOU?
GO ON.

WHY DON'T YOU?
GO ON.
OKAY!

GO ON.
OKAY!
[FLATULENCE SOUNDS]

OKAY!
[FLATULENCE SOUNDS]
[LAUGHTER]

[FLATULENCE SOUNDS]
[LAUGHTER]
ORDER!

[LAUGHTER]
ORDER!
I WANT ORDER!

ORDER!
I WANT ORDER!
I'LL SLAP YOU ALL WITH CONTEMPT

I WANT ORDER!
I'LL SLAP YOU ALL WITH CONTEMPT
CITATIONS SO FAST, IT'LL MAKE

I'LL SLAP YOU ALL WITH CONTEMPT
CITATIONS SO FAST, IT'LL MAKE
YOUR HEAD SPIN!

CITATIONS SO FAST, IT'LL MAKE
YOUR HEAD SPIN!
NOW WHERE IS MY GAVEL?

YOUR HEAD SPIN!
NOW WHERE IS MY GAVEL?
ALL RIGHT, WHO TOOK MY GAVEL?

NOW WHERE IS MY GAVEL?
ALL RIGHT, WHO TOOK MY GAVEL?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GONNA

ALL RIGHT, WHO TOOK MY GAVEL?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GONNA
CONTINUE UNTIL MY GAVEL

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GONNA
CONTINUE UNTIL MY GAVEL
IS RETURNED.

CONTINUE UNTIL MY GAVEL
IS RETURNED.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT MY

IS RETURNED.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT MY
HANDS OVER MY EYES.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT MY
HANDS OVER MY EYES.
[LAUGHTER]

HANDS OVER MY EYES.
[LAUGHTER]
AND I WANT WHOEVER TOOK

[LAUGHTER]
AND I WANT WHOEVER TOOK
THE GAVEL TO RETURN IT.

AND I WANT WHOEVER TOOK
THE GAVEL TO RETURN IT.
NOW!

THE GAVEL TO RETURN IT.
NOW!
WE CAN WAIT ALL DAY.

NOW!
WE CAN WAIT ALL DAY.
ALL NIGHT, IF NECESSARY.

WE CAN WAIT ALL DAY.
ALL NIGHT, IF NECESSARY.
I'M WAITING.

ALL NIGHT, IF NECESSARY.
I'M WAITING.
[LAUGHTER]

I'M WAITING.
[LAUGHTER]
IS MY GAVEL BACK, BAILIFF?

[LAUGHTER]
IS MY GAVEL BACK, BAILIFF?
YES, IT IS, YOUR HONOR.

IS MY GAVEL BACK, BAILIFF?
YES, IT IS, YOUR HONOR.
WHO DID IT?

YES, IT IS, YOUR HONOR.
WHO DID IT?
SHE DID, YOUR HONOR.

WHO DID IT?
SHE DID, YOUR HONOR.
[CROWD GROANING]

SHE DID, YOUR HONOR.
[CROWD GROANING]
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU SAID

[CROWD GROANING]
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN
IF I GAVE IT BACK?

NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN
IF I GAVE IT BACK?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

IF I GAVE IT BACK?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
LET'S ASK THE COURT REPORTER

THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
LET'S ASK THE COURT REPORTER
WHAT I SAID.

LET'S ASK THE COURT REPORTER
WHAT I SAID.
YOU SAID, "I WANT WHOEVER

WHAT I SAID.
YOU SAID, "I WANT WHOEVER
TOOK IT TO RETURN IT NOW."

YOU SAID, "I WANT WHOEVER
TOOK IT TO RETURN IT NOW."
[BAILIFF CLEARING THROAT]

TOOK IT TO RETURN IT NOW."
[BAILIFF CLEARING THROAT]
UH, JUDGE...

[BAILIFF CLEARING THROAT]
UH, JUDGE...
I THINK THE DEFENDANT'S WIFE

UH, JUDGE...
I THINK THE DEFENDANT'S WIFE
IS RIGHT.

I THINK THE DEFENDANT'S WIFE
IS RIGHT.
I THINK THE COURT REPORTER'S

IS RIGHT.
I THINK THE COURT REPORTER'S
LYING.

I THINK THE COURT REPORTER'S
LYING.
I AM NOT!

LYING.
I AM NOT!
BAILIFF!

I AM NOT!
BAILIFF!
BAILIFF, YOUR BROTHER WOULD BE

BAILIFF!
BAILIFF, YOUR BROTHER WOULD BE
ASHAMED OF YOU!

BAILIFF, YOUR BROTHER WOULD BE
ASHAMED OF YOU!
HE WAS SUCH A FINE BAILIFF,

ASHAMED OF YOU!
HE WAS SUCH A FINE BAILIFF,
I NEVER HAD ANY TROUBLE WITH

HE WAS SUCH A FINE BAILIFF,
I NEVER HAD ANY TROUBLE WITH
HIM.

I NEVER HAD ANY TROUBLE WITH
HIM.
WILL YOU STOP LOOKING

HIM.
WILL YOU STOP LOOKING
AT THAT CLOCK?

WILL YOU STOP LOOKING
AT THAT CLOCK?
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE

AT THAT CLOCK?
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
A FIRE DRILL IN ONE MINUTE.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
A FIRE DRILL IN ONE MINUTE.
OH, REALLY?

A FIRE DRILL IN ONE MINUTE.
OH, REALLY?
YES.

OH, REALLY?
YES.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YES.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
BEFORE WE GO ANYWHERE,

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
BEFORE WE GO ANYWHERE,
I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT I'VE

BEFORE WE GO ANYWHERE,
I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT I'VE
BEEN IN MUCH LOWER COURTS THAT

I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT I'VE
BEEN IN MUCH LOWER COURTS THAT
BEHAVED BETTER THAN YOU DO.

BEEN IN MUCH LOWER COURTS THAT
BEHAVED BETTER THAN YOU DO.
LET'S ALL GET HIGHER

BEHAVED BETTER THAN YOU DO.
LET'S ALL GET HIGHER
IN THE COURT!

LET'S ALL GET HIGHER
IN THE COURT!
[LAUGHTER]

IN THE COURT!
[LAUGHTER]
[GAVEL BANGING]

[LAUGHTER]
[GAVEL BANGING]
ORDER!

[GAVEL BANGING]
ORDER!
NOW, LISTEN UP!

ORDER!
NOW, LISTEN UP!
I WANT THOSE FINAL SUMMATIONS

NOW, LISTEN UP!
I WANT THOSE FINAL SUMMATIONS
READY FOR MONDAY.

I WANT THOSE FINAL SUMMATIONS
READY FOR MONDAY.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE TYPED?

READY FOR MONDAY.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE TYPED?
YES, IT DOES.

DOES IT HAVE TO BE TYPED?
YES, IT DOES.
AND DOUBLE-SPACED.

YES, IT DOES.
AND DOUBLE-SPACED.
JUDGE HOFFMEYER WILL BE BACK

AND DOUBLE-SPACED.
JUDGE HOFFMEYER WILL BE BACK
ON MONDAY.

JUDGE HOFFMEYER WILL BE BACK
ON MONDAY.
[CROWD "AWW" s]

ON MONDAY.
[CROWD "AWW" s]
OH, WAIT, WE LIKE YOU.

[CROWD "AWW" s]
OH, WAIT, WE LIKE YOU.
WILL YOU COME BACK SOON?

OH, WAIT, WE LIKE YOU.
WILL YOU COME BACK SOON?
I DON'T THINK SO.

WILL YOU COME BACK SOON?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK YOU ALL HAVE A LOT

I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK YOU ALL HAVE A LOT
TO LEARN.

I THINK YOU ALL HAVE A LOT
TO LEARN.
ABOUT SOMETHING I CALL A FELLOW

TO LEARN.
ABOUT SOMETHING I CALL A FELLOW
NAMED MR. MATURITY.

ABOUT SOMETHING I CALL A FELLOW
NAMED MR. MATURITY.
[CROWD HUMMING]

NAMED MR. MATURITY.
[CROWD HUMMING]
MR. SELF-RESPECT'S FRIEND.

[CROWD HUMMING]
MR. SELF-RESPECT'S FRIEND.
NOT TO FORGET MR. GOOD MANNERS.

MR. SELF-RESPECT'S FRIEND.
NOT TO FORGET MR. GOOD MANNERS.
MR. POLITENESS.

NOT TO FORGET MR. GOOD MANNERS.
MR. POLITENESS.
WHO'S HUMMING?

MR. POLITENESS.
WHO'S HUMMING?
STOP THAT HUMMING!

WHO'S HUMMING?
STOP THAT HUMMING!
WHO'S HUMMING?

STOP THAT HUMMING!
WHO'S HUMMING?
WHAT HUMMING?

WHO'S HUMMING?
WHAT HUMMING?
Judge: WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT HUMMING?
Judge: WHAT IS THIS?
CAN WE STOP THE HUMMING?

Judge: WHAT IS THIS?
CAN WE STOP THE HUMMING?
FIRE DRILL, EVERYBODY OUT!

CAN WE STOP THE HUMMING?
FIRE DRILL, EVERYBODY OUT!
[CROWD YELLING]

FIRE DRILL, EVERYBODY OUT!
[CROWD YELLING]
[APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN, THE J. GEILS
BAND!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

BAND!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
SANCTUARY!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
SANCTUARY!
[♪...]

♪ TIMES ARE TOUGH, FRUSTRATION
I NEED RELIEF, SOME MEDICATION ♪
♪ I FIGHT THE URGE OF TEMPTATION

I NEED RELIEF, SOME MEDICATION ♪
♪ I FIGHT THE URGE OF TEMPTATION
GONE TOO FAR, INTOXICATION ♪

♪ I FIGHT THE URGE OF TEMPTATION
GONE TOO FAR, INTOXICATION ♪
♪ MILES AGO, NO DESTINATION

GONE TOO FAR, INTOXICATION ♪
♪ MILES AGO, NO DESTINATION
IS A REAL HALLUCINATION ♪

♪ MILES AGO, NO DESTINATION
IS A REAL HALLUCINATION ♪
♪ LOSE THE DREAM OF STAGNATION

IS A REAL HALLUCINATION ♪
♪ LOSE THE DREAM OF STAGNATION
FEEL SO LOST, DESPERATION ♪

♪ LOSE THE DREAM OF STAGNATION
FEEL SO LOST, DESPERATION ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

FEEL SO LOST, DESPERATION ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

♪ MUCH TOO CLOSE, CONTAMINATION
LOVE AND PAIN AND DEVIATION ♪
♪ SUCK IT ALL, EJACULATION

LOVE AND PAIN AND DEVIATION ♪
♪ SUCK IT ALL, EJACULATION
FEEL SO LATE, IT'S DAMNATION ♪

♪ SUCK IT ALL, EJACULATION
FEEL SO LATE, IT'S DAMNATION ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

FEEL SO LATE, IT'S DAMNATION ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

♪ WHEN I WAS YOUNG,
MY MOTHER TOLD ME, ♪
♪ SHE SAID "SON,

MY MOTHER TOLD ME, ♪
♪ SHE SAID "SON,
SOMEDAY EVERYTHING'S

♪ SHE SAID "SON,
SOMEDAY EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT ♪

SOMEDAY EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPE,

GONNA BE ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPE,
THERE'S NO SALVATION ♪

♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPE,
THERE'S NO SALVATION ♪
♪ IT'S MUCH TO DARK

THERE'S NO SALVATION ♪
♪ IT'S MUCH TO DARK
FOR REVELATION" ♪

♪ IT'S MUCH TO DARK
FOR REVELATION" ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

FOR REVELATION" ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY

SANCTUARY ♪
♪ SANCTUARY
SANCTUARY ♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

Man: PART OF WHAT HAS MADE
AMERICA SO GREAT IS IT'S CUSTOM
DEMAND FOR EXCELLENCE.

AMERICA SO GREAT IS IT'S CUSTOM
DEMAND FOR EXCELLENCE.
AND ONLY THROUGH THE HIGHEST

DEMAND FOR EXCELLENCE.
AND ONLY THROUGH THE HIGHEST
STANDARDS OF WORKMANSHIP,

AND ONLY THROUGH THE HIGHEST
STANDARDS OF WORKMANSHIP,
QUALITY AND RIGOROUS TESTING DO

STANDARDS OF WORKMANSHIP,
QUALITY AND RIGOROUS TESTING DO
WE ACHIEVE THIS PERFECTION IN

QUALITY AND RIGOROUS TESTING DO
WE ACHIEVE THIS PERFECTION IN
OUR MANUFACTURED GOODS.

WE ACHIEVE THIS PERFECTION IN
OUR MANUFACTURED GOODS.
FROM TEXTILES TO AUTOMOBILES,

OUR MANUFACTURED GOODS.
FROM TEXTILES TO AUTOMOBILES,
CLEANSERS TO AIRLINE FOOD,

FROM TEXTILES TO AUTOMOBILES,
CLEANSERS TO AIRLINE FOOD,
NOTHING IN THIS COUNTRY ESCAPES

CLEANSERS TO AIRLINE FOOD,
NOTHING IN THIS COUNTRY ESCAPES
CLOSE INSPECTION AND RIGOROUS

NOTHING IN THIS COUNTRY ESCAPES
CLOSE INSPECTION AND RIGOROUS
TESTING.

CLOSE INSPECTION AND RIGOROUS
TESTING.
TONIGHT, ON "AMERICA ON THE

TESTING.
TONIGHT, ON "AMERICA ON THE
JOB," WE WOULD LIKE TO SALUTE

TONIGHT, ON "AMERICA ON THE
JOB," WE WOULD LIKE TO SALUTE
THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO INSPECT

JOB," WE WOULD LIKE TO SALUTE
THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO INSPECT
OUR SHIRTS, A RARE AND TALENTED

THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO INSPECT
OUR SHIRTS, A RARE AND TALENTED
BREED.

OUR SHIRTS, A RARE AND TALENTED
BREED.
[♪...]

BREED.
[♪...]
OKAY, OKAY, YOU GUYS BETTER

[♪...]
OKAY, OKAY, YOU GUYS BETTER
HURRY UP AND CHECK THESE SHIRTS.

OKAY, OKAY, YOU GUYS BETTER
HURRY UP AND CHECK THESE SHIRTS.
OKAY, TAKE YOUR SHIRTS, BECAUSE

HURRY UP AND CHECK THESE SHIRTS.
OKAY, TAKE YOUR SHIRTS, BECAUSE
A LOTTA MORE SHIRTS ARE COMING

OKAY, TAKE YOUR SHIRTS, BECAUSE
A LOTTA MORE SHIRTS ARE COMING
THAT GOTTA BE CHECKED.

A LOTTA MORE SHIRTS ARE COMING
THAT GOTTA BE CHECKED.
OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S YOU.

THAT GOTTA BE CHECKED.
OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S YOU.
OKAY, YOU BETTER HURRY ALONG,

OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S YOU.
OKAY, YOU BETTER HURRY ALONG,
THOUGH, DON'T TAKE TOO LONG.

OKAY, YOU BETTER HURRY ALONG,
THOUGH, DON'T TAKE TOO LONG.
CHECK 'EM UP, REAL GOOD.

THOUGH, DON'T TAKE TOO LONG.
CHECK 'EM UP, REAL GOOD.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

CHECK 'EM UP, REAL GOOD.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
THESE PEOPLE ARE

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
THESE PEOPLE ARE
PROFESSIONALS, AND NO SHIRT

THESE PEOPLE ARE
PROFESSIONALS, AND NO SHIRT
LEAVES THE FACTORY UNINSPECTED.

PROFESSIONALS, AND NO SHIRT
LEAVES THE FACTORY UNINSPECTED.
CUFF SHOOTING IS USED TO CHECK

LEAVES THE FACTORY UNINSPECTED.
CUFF SHOOTING IS USED TO CHECK
FRICTION, CUFF DRAG AND OVERALL

CUFF SHOOTING IS USED TO CHECK
FRICTION, CUFF DRAG AND OVERALL
STABILITY.

FRICTION, CUFF DRAG AND OVERALL
STABILITY.
THE SHIRTS ARE TUCKED AND

STABILITY.
THE SHIRTS ARE TUCKED AND
RETUCKED TO CHECK SLIPPAGE,

THE SHIRTS ARE TUCKED AND
RETUCKED TO CHECK SLIPPAGE,
LENGTH AND GENERAL FIT.

RETUCKED TO CHECK SLIPPAGE,
LENGTH AND GENERAL FIT.
AND FINALLY, THE COLORS ARE

LENGTH AND GENERAL FIT.
AND FINALLY, THE COLORS ARE
CHECKED TO CHECK STIFFNESS AND

AND FINALLY, THE COLORS ARE
CHECKED TO CHECK STIFFNESS AND
PROPER...

CHECKED TO CHECK STIFFNESS AND
PROPER...
YES, ONLY THEN DOES THE

PROPER...
YES, ONLY THEN DOES THE
INSPECTION NUMBER TAG GO IN AS A

YES, ONLY THEN DOES THE
INSPECTION NUMBER TAG GO IN AS A
SYMBOL OF THE SHIRT'S FINE

INSPECTION NUMBER TAG GO IN AS A
SYMBOL OF THE SHIRT'S FINE
QUALITY.

SYMBOL OF THE SHIRT'S FINE
QUALITY.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU PUT A SHIRT

QUALITY.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU PUT A SHIRT
ON, REMEMBER, IT'S BEEN QUALITY

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU PUT A SHIRT
ON, REMEMBER, IT'S BEEN QUALITY
CHECKED BY MEN WHO KNOW THEIR

ON, REMEMBER, IT'S BEEN QUALITY
CHECKED BY MEN WHO KNOW THEIR
JOBS.

CHECKED BY MEN WHO KNOW THEIR
JOBS.
SHIRT INSPECTORS OF AMERICA,

JOBS.
SHIRT INSPECTORS OF AMERICA,
WE SALUTE YOU AND WE THANK YOU.

SHIRT INSPECTORS OF AMERICA,
WE SALUTE YOU AND WE THANK YOU.
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN A

WE SALUTE YOU AND WE THANK YOU.
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN A
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE BROUGHT

Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN A
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE BROUGHT
TO YOU BY THE AMERICAN GARMENT

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE BROUGHT
TO YOU BY THE AMERICAN GARMENT
INSPECTOR'S ASSOCIATION.

TO YOU BY THE AMERICAN GARMENT
INSPECTOR'S ASSOCIATION.
[APPLAUSE]

INSPECTOR'S ASSOCIATION.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪...]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS!
THANKS FOR COMING, HUH?
ALL RIGHT!

THANKS FOR COMING, HUH?
ALL RIGHT!
I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.

ALL RIGHT!
I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.
I HAD A GREAT TIME!

I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.
I HAD A GREAT TIME!
GOOD NIGHT!

I HAD A GREAT TIME!
GOOD NIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT!

GOOD NIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[♪...]