Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Kirk Douglas/Sam and Dave - full transcript

NOW, LISTEN, AUNT MARGIE,
THE SHOW'S JUST ABOUT TO START,
SO THERE'S ONLY TIME FOR YOU TO

THE SHOW'S JUST ABOUT TO START,
SO THERE'S ONLY TIME FOR YOU TO
PEEK IN AND SAY HELLO, OK?

SO THERE'S ONLY TIME FOR YOU TO
PEEK IN AND SAY HELLO, OK?
DON'T WORRY, GILDA,

PEEK IN AND SAY HELLO, OK?
DON'T WORRY, GILDA,
I WON'T BOTHER HIM.

DON'T WORRY, GILDA,
I WON'T BOTHER HIM.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM.

I WON'T BOTHER HIM.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM.
OK.

I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM.
OK.
Kirk: COME IN!

OK.
Kirk: COME IN!
UH... KIRK?

Kirk: COME IN!
UH... KIRK?
UH, OH...

UH... KIRK?
UH, OH...
EXCUSE ME, UH...

UH, OH...
EXCUSE ME, UH...
HI!



EXCUSE ME, UH...
HI!
[LAUGHTER]

HI!
[LAUGHTER]
MISTER, UH...

[LAUGHTER]
MISTER, UH...
MR. DOUGLAS, WE DON'T MEAN TO

MISTER, UH...
MR. DOUGLAS, WE DON'T MEAN TO
BOTHER YOU, BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO

MR. DOUGLAS, WE DON'T MEAN TO
BOTHER YOU, BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET A VERY BIG FAN OF YOURS.

BOTHER YOU, BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET A VERY BIG FAN OF YOURS.
THIS IS MY AUNT MARGIE.

MEET A VERY BIG FAN OF YOURS.
THIS IS MY AUNT MARGIE.
WELL...

THIS IS MY AUNT MARGIE.
WELL...
HELLO, MARGIE!

WELL...
HELLO, MARGIE!
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS KIRK

HELLO, MARGIE!
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS KIRK
DOUGLAS, THE MOVIE STAR?

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS KIRK
DOUGLAS, THE MOVIE STAR?
AUNT MARGIE!

DOUGLAS, THE MOVIE STAR?
AUNT MARGIE!
LISTEN, I MEAN, THE MAN'S

AUNT MARGIE!
LISTEN, I MEAN, THE MAN'S
MADE 65 MOVIES.

LISTEN, I MEAN, THE MAN'S
MADE 65 MOVIES.
HOW CAN YOU...



MADE 65 MOVIES.
HOW CAN YOU...
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

HOW CAN YOU...
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
[STAMMERING] WELL, I'M SORRY,

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
[STAMMERING] WELL, I'M SORRY,
BUT I WAS EXPECTING

[STAMMERING] WELL, I'M SORRY,
BUT I WAS EXPECTING
SOMETHING ELSE, I...

BUT I WAS EXPECTING
SOMETHING ELSE, I...
QUIET, SHH!

SOMETHING ELSE, I...
QUIET, SHH!
DON'T... UM, MR. DOUGLAS,

QUIET, SHH!
DON'T... UM, MR. DOUGLAS,
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

DON'T... UM, MR. DOUGLAS,
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR MY AUNT MARGIE.

I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR MY AUNT MARGIE.
THERE'S NO NEED.

FOR MY AUNT MARGIE.
THERE'S NO NEED.
I KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS.

THERE'S NO NEED.
I KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS.
I'M USED TO IT.

I KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS.
I'M USED TO IT.
NOW, AUNT MARGIE, YOU EXPECTED

I'M USED TO IT.
NOW, AUNT MARGIE, YOU EXPECTED
A, A TALLER MAN WITH A DIMPLE

NOW, AUNT MARGIE, YOU EXPECTED
A, A TALLER MAN WITH A DIMPLE
IN HIS CHIN?

A, A TALLER MAN WITH A DIMPLE
IN HIS CHIN?
UH, COULD YOU REACH THAT

IN HIS CHIN?
UH, COULD YOU REACH THAT
TIE FOR ME, PLEASE?

UH, COULD YOU REACH THAT
TIE FOR ME, PLEASE?
OH, SURE.

TIE FOR ME, PLEASE?
OH, SURE.
THANK YOU.

OH, SURE.
THANK YOU.
NO, MARGIE, THAT'S JUST

THANK YOU.
NO, MARGIE, THAT'S JUST
AN ILLUSION: MAKEUP, A LITTLE

NO, MARGIE, THAT'S JUST
AN ILLUSION: MAKEUP, A LITTLE
HOLLYWOOD MAGIC.

AN ILLUSION: MAKEUP, A LITTLE
HOLLYWOOD MAGIC.
NOW YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK

HOLLYWOOD MAGIC.
NOW YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK
I HAD A HOLE IN MY CHIN,

NOW YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK
I HAD A HOLE IN MY CHIN,
DID YOU, HUH?

I HAD A HOLE IN MY CHIN,
DID YOU, HUH?
[WOMEN LAUGH]

DID YOU, HUH?
[WOMEN LAUGH]
KIRK, THE MAKEUP PEOPLE ARE

[WOMEN LAUGH]
KIRK, THE MAKEUP PEOPLE ARE
HERE FROM HOLLYWOOD.

KIRK, THE MAKEUP PEOPLE ARE
HERE FROM HOLLYWOOD.
WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG?

HERE FROM HOLLYWOOD.
WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG?
Gilda: WE'D BETTER GO.

WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG?
Gilda: WE'D BETTER GO.
NICE MEETING YOU.

Gilda: WE'D BETTER GO.
NICE MEETING YOU.
THEIR PLANE WAS DELAYED

NICE MEETING YOU.
THEIR PLANE WAS DELAYED
BECAUSE OF THE FLOODING IN,

THEIR PLANE WAS DELAYED
BECAUSE OF THE FLOODING IN,
UH, IN L.A.

BECAUSE OF THE FLOODING IN,
UH, IN L.A.
OH.

UH, IN L.A.
OH.
OK, WE'D BETTER HURRY.

OH.
OK, WE'D BETTER HURRY.
WE HAVE ONE MINUTE TO AIR, OK?

OK, WE'D BETTER HURRY.
WE HAVE ONE MINUTE TO AIR, OK?
KIRK, UH, DO YOU THINK

WE HAVE ONE MINUTE TO AIR, OK?
KIRK, UH, DO YOU THINK
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT?

KIRK, UH, DO YOU THINK
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT?
Kirk: YES, I THINK SO!

YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT?
Kirk: YES, I THINK SO!
[LAUGHTER]

Kirk: YES, I THINK SO!
[LAUGHTER]
CHIN MIGHT BE A LITTLE

[LAUGHTER]
CHIN MIGHT BE A LITTLE
LOOSE, THOUGH.

CHIN MIGHT BE A LITTLE
LOOSE, THOUGH.
OK, GREAT.

LOOSE, THOUGH.
OK, GREAT.
WE GOT ABOUT 30 SECONDS, OK?

OK, GREAT.
WE GOT ABOUT 30 SECONDS, OK?
THAT'S GREAT.

WE GOT ABOUT 30 SECONDS, OK?
THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S AMAZING!

THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S AMAZING!
I'VE SEEN MAYBE 50 OF HIS

IT'S AMAZING!
I'VE SEEN MAYBE 50 OF HIS
MOVIES, BUT IN PERSON, HE MAKES

I'VE SEEN MAYBE 50 OF HIS
MOVIES, BUT IN PERSON, HE MAKES
YOUR UNCLE HARRY LOOK GOOD.

MOVIES, BUT IN PERSON, HE MAKES
YOUR UNCLE HARRY LOOK GOOD.
YEAH, WELL, AS WE SAY IN SHOW

YOUR UNCLE HARRY LOOK GOOD.
YEAH, WELL, AS WE SAY IN SHOW
BUSINESS, LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

YEAH, WELL, AS WE SAY IN SHOW
BUSINESS, LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

BUSINESS, LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

Announcer: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE...
[♪...]

NIGHT LIVE...
[♪...]
WITH KIRK DOUGLAS!

STARRING JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
GILDA RADNER...

LARAINE NEWMAN...
GILDA RADNER...
AND HARRY SHEARER...

GILDA RADNER...
AND HARRY SHEARER...
WITH MUSICAL GUESTS,

AND HARRY SHEARER...
WITH MUSICAL GUESTS,
SAM AND DAVE.

AND FEATURING TOM DAVIS...
JIM DOWNEY...
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY...

JIM DOWNEY...
BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY...
AND AL FRANKEN.

BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY...
AND AL FRANKEN.
[♪...]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KIRK DOUGLAS!
[♪..., CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU! [LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE GROWS LOUDER]
THANK YOU!

[APPLAUSE GROWS LOUDER]
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.

NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN
NEW YORK AND ALIVE!

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN
NEW YORK AND ALIVE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEW YORK AND ALIVE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW... COMING HERE IS

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW... COMING HERE IS
LIKE COMING BACK HOME.

YOU KNOW... COMING HERE IS
LIKE COMING BACK HOME.
NO, I, I WENT TO DRAMATIC SCHOOL

LIKE COMING BACK HOME.
NO, I, I WENT TO DRAMATIC SCHOOL
JUST UP ON 57th STREET, AND

NO, I, I WENT TO DRAMATIC SCHOOL
JUST UP ON 57th STREET, AND
I WORKED IN THEATERS JUST A FEW

JUST UP ON 57th STREET, AND
I WORKED IN THEATERS JUST A FEW
BLOCKS FROM HERE.

I WORKED IN THEATERS JUST A FEW
BLOCKS FROM HERE.
OF COURSE, I WAS NEVER IN

BLOCKS FROM HERE.
OF COURSE, I WAS NEVER IN
A BROADWAY HIT.

OF COURSE, I WAS NEVER IN
A BROADWAY HIT.
THE PLAYS USUALLY RAN FOR ABOUT

A BROADWAY HIT.
THE PLAYS USUALLY RAN FOR ABOUT
ONE PERFORMANCE, THEN I'D GO

THE PLAYS USUALLY RAN FOR ABOUT
ONE PERFORMANCE, THEN I'D GO
BACK TO CALIFORNIA, MAKE A

ONE PERFORMANCE, THEN I'D GO
BACK TO CALIFORNIA, MAKE A
MOVIE, AND THEN I'D COME BACK TO

BACK TO CALIFORNIA, MAKE A
MOVIE, AND THEN I'D COME BACK TO
NEW YORK AND DO ANOTHER PLAY...

MOVIE, AND THEN I'D COME BACK TO
NEW YORK AND DO ANOTHER PLAY...
FOR ONE NIGHT... AND BACK TO

NEW YORK AND DO ANOTHER PLAY...
FOR ONE NIGHT... AND BACK TO
CALIFORNIA, AND HERE I AM, DOING

FOR ONE NIGHT... AND BACK TO
CALIFORNIA, AND HERE I AM, DOING
A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

CALIFORNIA, AND HERE I AM, DOING
A ONE-NIGHT STAND.
WELL, YOU KNOW...

A ONE-NIGHT STAND.
WELL, YOU KNOW...
[APPLAUSE]

WELL, YOU KNOW...
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS] I THINK MAYBE THAT'S

[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS] I THINK MAYBE THAT'S
WHY THEY ASK ME.

[LAUGHS] I THINK MAYBE THAT'S
WHY THEY ASK ME.
BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU

WHY THEY ASK ME.
BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING: TELEVISION

BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING: TELEVISION
IS REALLY ROUGH.

SOMETHING: TELEVISION
IS REALLY ROUGH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE MOVIES.

IS REALLY ROUGH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE MOVIES.
THERE'S NO RETAKES.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE MOVIES.
THERE'S NO RETAKES.
IT'S SCARY.

THERE'S NO RETAKES.
IT'S SCARY.
IT'S LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW, IT'S

IT'S SCARY.
IT'S LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW, IT'S
LIKE YOU'RE WALKING A TIGHT WIRE

IT'S LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW, IT'S
LIKE YOU'RE WALKING A TIGHT WIRE
AND THERE'S NO NET.

LIKE YOU'RE WALKING A TIGHT WIRE
AND THERE'S NO NET.
BUT I DON'T KNOW, I THINK IT'S,

AND THERE'S NO NET.
BUT I DON'T KNOW, I THINK IT'S,
I HAVE A FEELING

BUT I DON'T KNOW, I THINK IT'S,
I HAVE A FEELING
IT'S GONNA BE OK.

I HAVE A FEELING
IT'S GONNA BE OK.
YOU SEE, I HAVE FOUR SONS AND,

IT'S GONNA BE OK.
YOU SEE, I HAVE FOUR SONS AND,
THANKS TO MICHAEL,

YOU SEE, I HAVE FOUR SONS AND,
THANKS TO MICHAEL,
I NOW HAVE A GRANDSON.

THANKS TO MICHAEL,
I NOW HAVE A GRANDSON.
NOW...

I NOW HAVE A GRANDSON.
NOW...
[APPLAUSE]

NOW...
[APPLAUSE]
NOW, I DON'T HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS,

[APPLAUSE]
NOW, I DON'T HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS,
BUT I DO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL

NOW, I DON'T HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS,
BUT I DO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
GODCHILD, ALEXANDRA.

BUT I DO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
GODCHILD, ALEXANDRA.
SHE CAME UP ALL THE WAY FROM

GODCHILD, ALEXANDRA.
SHE CAME UP ALL THE WAY FROM
WASHINGTON, AND SHE'S SITTING

SHE CAME UP ALL THE WAY FROM
WASHINGTON, AND SHE'S SITTING
RIGHT THERE.

WASHINGTON, AND SHE'S SITTING
RIGHT THERE.
[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW... ALEXANDRA'S REALLY
MY MOST LOYAL FAN.
NOW, WHEN I MAKE A MOVIE, NO

MY MOST LOYAL FAN.
NOW, WHEN I MAKE A MOVIE, NO
MATTER WHAT THE CRITICS SAY,

NOW, WHEN I MAKE A MOVIE, NO
MATTER WHAT THE CRITICS SAY,
ALEXANDRA WRITES ME A LETTER

MATTER WHAT THE CRITICS SAY,
ALEXANDRA WRITES ME A LETTER
RIGHT AWAY AND SHE SAYS,

ALEXANDRA WRITES ME A LETTER
RIGHT AWAY AND SHE SAYS,
"DEAR UNCLE KIRK, I SAW

RIGHT AWAY AND SHE SAYS,
"DEAR UNCLE KIRK, I SAW
YOUR LAST MOVIE.

"DEAR UNCLE KIRK, I SAW
YOUR LAST MOVIE.
YOU WERE TERRIFIC!" [LAUGHS]

YOUR LAST MOVIE.
YOU WERE TERRIFIC!" [LAUGHS]
SO NOW, ALEXANDRA, IF THESE

YOU WERE TERRIFIC!" [LAUGHS]
SO NOW, ALEXANDRA, IF THESE
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW

SO NOW, ALEXANDRA, IF THESE
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW
TONIGHT, YOU SEND THAT LETTER

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW
TONIGHT, YOU SEND THAT LETTER
RIGHT AWAY, HUH?

TONIGHT, YOU SEND THAT LETTER
RIGHT AWAY, HUH?
WE'LL SEE YOU ALL LATER!

RIGHT AWAY, HUH?
WE'LL SEE YOU ALL LATER!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

GOOD EVENING, I'M JOAN FACE,
AND WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?"
AS YOU KNOW, EACH WEEK ON

AND WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?"
AS YOU KNOW, EACH WEEK ON
THE SHOW, WE DRAMATIZE A

AS YOU KNOW, EACH WEEK ON
THE SHOW, WE DRAMATIZE A
HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION POSED BY

THE SHOW, WE DRAMATIZE A
HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION POSED BY
ONE OF OUR VIEWERS, AND FOR

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION POSED BY
ONE OF OUR VIEWERS, AND FOR
THOSE OF YOU WHO WROTE IN ABOUT

ONE OF OUR VIEWERS, AND FOR
THOSE OF YOU WHO WROTE IN ABOUT
LAST WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" THAT IS,

THOSE OF YOU WHO WROTE IN ABOUT
LAST WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" THAT IS,
WHAT IF GENERAL CUSTER HAD A

LAST WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" THAT IS,
WHAT IF GENERAL CUSTER HAD A
SHERMAN TANK, YOU WERE RIGHT.

WHAT IF GENERAL CUSTER HAD A
SHERMAN TANK, YOU WERE RIGHT.
THAT WAS A PATTON TANK WE USED

SHERMAN TANK, YOU WERE RIGHT.
THAT WAS A PATTON TANK WE USED
IN OUR DRAMATIZATION AND NOT

THAT WAS A PATTON TANK WE USED
IN OUR DRAMATIZATION AND NOT
A SHERMAN TANK.

IN OUR DRAMATIZATION AND NOT
A SHERMAN TANK.
AND WE'RE ALL A BIT RED-FACED

A SHERMAN TANK.
AND WE'RE ALL A BIT RED-FACED
HERE AT "WHAT IF?"

AND WE'RE ALL A BIT RED-FACED
HERE AT "WHAT IF?"
WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S

HERE AT "WHAT IF?"
WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
"WHAT IF?" WHICH, LIKE, ALL OUR

WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
"WHAT IF?" WHICH, LIKE, ALL OUR
QUESTIONS HERE AT "WHAT IF?"

"WHAT IF?" WHICH, LIKE, ALL OUR
QUESTIONS HERE AT "WHAT IF?"
COMES FROM MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL,

QUESTIONS HERE AT "WHAT IF?"
COMES FROM MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL,
NOW AGED 11, AND STILL A

COMES FROM MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL,
NOW AGED 11, AND STILL A
PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.

NOW AGED 11, AND STILL A
PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.
KEVIN ASKS... "WHAT IF SPARTACUS

PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.
KEVIN ASKS... "WHAT IF SPARTACUS
HAD A PIPER CUB?"

KEVIN ASKS... "WHAT IF SPARTACUS
HAD A PIPER CUB?"
WITH US TO HELP ANSWER

HAD A PIPER CUB?"
WITH US TO HELP ANSWER
THIS QUESTION ARE PROFESSOR

WITH US TO HELP ANSWER
THIS QUESTION ARE PROFESSOR
DONALD ERSKINE FROM MANKATO

THIS QUESTION ARE PROFESSOR
DONALD ERSKINE FROM MANKATO
STATE COLLEGE.

HE'S AN EXPERT IN MILITARY

SCIENCE, ESPECIALLY AS IT

RELATES TO MUSCLE EPICS, AND

MALCOLM McCLENDON, A TEST PILOT

FOR THE CESSNA CORPORATION AND

AN AMATEUR BODYBUILDER, SO

HE'S NATURALLY VERY INTERESTED

IN SPARTACUS.

PROFESSOR ERSKINE, WHAT IF
SPARTACUS HAD A PIPER CUB?
WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING

SPARTACUS HAD A PIPER CUB?
WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION, MS. FACE, ONE THAT

WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION, MS. FACE, ONE THAT
I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT EVER SINCE

QUESTION, MS. FACE, ONE THAT
I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT EVER SINCE
COMING TO THE STUDIO.

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT EVER SINCE
COMING TO THE STUDIO.
UH, LET'S PUT THIS IN HISTORICAL

COMING TO THE STUDIO.
UH, LET'S PUT THIS IN HISTORICAL
PERSPECTIVE FOR JUST A MINUTE.

UH, LET'S PUT THIS IN HISTORICAL
PERSPECTIVE FOR JUST A MINUTE.
THIS WAS IN THE YEAR 70 A.D.

PERSPECTIVE FOR JUST A MINUTE.
THIS WAS IN THE YEAR 70 A.D.
SPARTACUS WAS A ROMAN SLAVE,

THIS WAS IN THE YEAR 70 A.D.
SPARTACUS WAS A ROMAN SLAVE,
A RUNAWAY SLAVE.

SPARTACUS WAS A ROMAN SLAVE,
A RUNAWAY SLAVE.
HE LED A REVOLT OF HIS FELLOW

A RUNAWAY SLAVE.
HE LED A REVOLT OF HIS FELLOW
SLAVES THAT THREATENED TO

HE LED A REVOLT OF HIS FELLOW
SLAVES THAT THREATENED TO
OVERTHROW THE ENTIRE

SLAVES THAT THREATENED TO
OVERTHROW THE ENTIRE
ROMAN EMPIRE.

OVERTHROW THE ENTIRE
ROMAN EMPIRE.
AT FIRST, THE REVOLT WAS

ROMAN EMPIRE.
AT FIRST, THE REVOLT WAS
SUCCESSFUL, BUT FINALLY, HIS

AT FIRST, THE REVOLT WAS
SUCCESSFUL, BUT FINALLY, HIS
BACK TO THE SEA, HE WAS DEFEATED

SUCCESSFUL, BUT FINALLY, HIS
BACK TO THE SEA, HE WAS DEFEATED
BY SUPERIOR ROMAN FORCES

BACK TO THE SEA, HE WAS DEFEATED
BY SUPERIOR ROMAN FORCES
AT BRINDISI.

BY SUPERIOR ROMAN FORCES
AT BRINDISI.
NOW, PROFESSOR, ANSWER

AT BRINDISI.
NOW, PROFESSOR, ANSWER
CAREFULLY: WOULD A PIPER CUB

NOW, PROFESSOR, ANSWER
CAREFULLY: WOULD A PIPER CUB
HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE?

CAREFULLY: WOULD A PIPER CUB
HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE?
WELL, LET ME BE FRANK,

HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE?
WELL, LET ME BE FRANK,
MS. FACE, ANY PRIVATE AIRCRAFT,

WELL, LET ME BE FRANK,
MS. FACE, ANY PRIVATE AIRCRAFT,
WHETHER IT BE A PIPER CUB OR A

MS. FACE, ANY PRIVATE AIRCRAFT,
WHETHER IT BE A PIPER CUB OR A
TWIN ENGINE BEECHCRAFT OR EVEN

WHETHER IT BE A PIPER CUB OR A
TWIN ENGINE BEECHCRAFT OR EVEN
A CESSNA SKYHAWK, WOULD HAVE HAD

TWIN ENGINE BEECHCRAFT OR EVEN
A CESSNA SKYHAWK, WOULD HAVE HAD
A DEMORALIZING EFFECT ON THE

A CESSNA SKYHAWK, WOULD HAVE HAD
A DEMORALIZING EFFECT ON THE
ROMAN TROOPS, BUT IT WOULD HAVE

A DEMORALIZING EFFECT ON THE
ROMAN TROOPS, BUT IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN ONLY A TEMPORARY EFFECT.

ROMAN TROOPS, BUT IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN ONLY A TEMPORARY EFFECT.
REMEMBER, THESE WERE THE LEGIONS

BEEN ONLY A TEMPORARY EFFECT.
REMEMBER, THESE WERE THE LEGIONS
OF ROME AGAINST AN ARMY OF

REMEMBER, THESE WERE THE LEGIONS
OF ROME AGAINST AN ARMY OF
SLAVES... IGNORANT, UNDISCIPLINED

OF ROME AGAINST AN ARMY OF
SLAVES... IGNORANT, UNDISCIPLINED
SLAVES... AND WHEN I SAY THAT, OF

SLAVES... IGNORANT, UNDISCIPLINED
SLAVES... AND WHEN I SAY THAT, OF
COURSE, I MEAN NO DISRESPECT,

SLAVES... AND WHEN I SAY THAT, OF
COURSE, I MEAN NO DISRESPECT,
MR. McCLENDON.

COURSE, I MEAN NO DISRESPECT,
MR. McCLENDON.
MR. McCLENDON, DO YOU HAVE

MR. McCLENDON.
MR. McCLENDON, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO ADD?

MR. McCLENDON, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO ADD?
UH, YEAH, I'D JUST LIKE TO

ANYTHING TO ADD?
UH, YEAH, I'D JUST LIKE TO
SAY THAT, UH, SPARTACUS WAS IN

UH, YEAH, I'D JUST LIKE TO
SAY THAT, UH, SPARTACUS WAS IN
SHAPE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SAY THAT, UH, SPARTACUS WAS IN
SHAPE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, HE WAS IN GOOD SHAPE,

SHAPE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, HE WAS IN GOOD SHAPE,
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, HE WAS IN GOOD SHAPE,
YOU KNOW?
THE DUDE WENT OUT, YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU KNOW?
THE DUDE WENT OUT, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY, MAN?

THE DUDE WENT OUT, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY, MAN?
YOU COULDN'T BE NO GLADIATOR NOW

I'M TRYING TO SAY, MAN?
YOU COULDN'T BE NO GLADIATOR NOW
AND NOT BE IN SHAPE, MAN.

YOU COULDN'T BE NO GLADIATOR NOW
AND NOT BE IN SHAPE, MAN.
THOSE DUDES, THEY'D BLOW

AND NOT BE IN SHAPE, MAN.
THOSE DUDES, THEY'D BLOW
YOU AWAY, MAN.

THOSE DUDES, THEY'D BLOW
YOU AWAY, MAN.
HERCULES, ACHILLES, JASON, ZEUS,

YOU AWAY, MAN.
HERCULES, ACHILLES, JASON, ZEUS,
THEY ALL IN SHAPE.

HERCULES, ACHILLES, JASON, ZEUS,
THEY ALL IN SHAPE.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOTHING TO

THEY ALL IN SHAPE.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOTHING TO
MESS WITH.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOTHING TO
MESS WITH.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, FOR

MESS WITH.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, FOR
YOUR COMMENTS.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, FOR
YOUR COMMENTS.
NOW LET'S GO RIGHT TO OUR

YOUR COMMENTS.
NOW LET'S GO RIGHT TO OUR
DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF

NOW LET'S GO RIGHT TO OUR
DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF
SPARTACUS HAD A PIPER CUB?"

DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF
SPARTACUS HAD A PIPER CUB?"
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

MR. SPARTACUS, UH, PIPER
AVIATION WANTS THE PLANE BACK
TONIGHT, SO IT'S YOURS FOR THE

AVIATION WANTS THE PLANE BACK
TONIGHT, SO IT'S YOURS FOR THE
DAY, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.

TONIGHT, SO IT'S YOURS FOR THE
DAY, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.
NOW, UH, DOWN THERE IS

DAY, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.
NOW, UH, DOWN THERE IS
WHERE WE TOOK OFF.

NOW, UH, DOWN THERE IS
WHERE WE TOOK OFF.
SEE YOUR CAMP DOWN THERE?

WHERE WE TOOK OFF.
SEE YOUR CAMP DOWN THERE?
WOW!

SEE YOUR CAMP DOWN THERE?
WOW!
JEEZ, IT'S SO WEIRD TO LOOK DOWN

WOW!
JEEZ, IT'S SO WEIRD TO LOOK DOWN
AND SEE THE TOPS OF THE TREES!

JEEZ, IT'S SO WEIRD TO LOOK DOWN
AND SEE THE TOPS OF THE TREES!
[CHUCKLES] YEAH, RIGHT.

AND SEE THE TOPS OF THE TREES!
[CHUCKLES] YEAH, RIGHT.
AND THE PEOPLE, THE PEOPLE,

[CHUCKLES] YEAH, RIGHT.
AND THE PEOPLE, THE PEOPLE,
THEY LOOK LIKE ANTS, JEEZ!

AND THE PEOPLE, THE PEOPLE,
THEY LOOK LIKE ANTS, JEEZ!
YEAH, I KNOW, AND THE OX

THEY LOOK LIKE ANTS, JEEZ!
YEAH, I KNOW, AND THE OX
CARTS LOOK LIKE TOYS,

YEAH, I KNOW, AND THE OX
CARTS LOOK LIKE TOYS,
DON'T THEY?

CARTS LOOK LIKE TOYS,
DON'T THEY?
YEAH, THEY DO!

DON'T THEY?
YEAH, THEY DO!
YOUR FIRST TIME IN A PLANE,

YEAH, THEY DO!
YOUR FIRST TIME IN A PLANE,
HUH, SPARTACUS?

YOUR FIRST TIME IN A PLANE,
HUH, SPARTACUS?
YEAH!

HUH, SPARTACUS?
YEAH!
GEE, I NEVER WOULD HAVE

YEAH!
GEE, I NEVER WOULD HAVE
GUESSED. >> HUH?

GEE, I NEVER WOULD HAVE
GUESSED. >> HUH?
WELL, YOU SEEM LIKE A REAL

GUESSED. >> HUH?
WELL, YOU SEEM LIKE A REAL
EXPERIENCED FLYER.

WELL, YOU SEEM LIKE A REAL
EXPERIENCED FLYER.
YOU MEAN IT?

EXPERIENCED FLYER.
YOU MEAN IT?
YOU BET, SPARTACUS.

YOU MEAN IT?
YOU BET, SPARTACUS.
NOW, UH, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE

YOU BET, SPARTACUS.
NOW, UH, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
YOU OVER THE ROMAN CAMP?

NOW, UH, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
YOU OVER THE ROMAN CAMP?
WHOA, YOU MEAN IT?!

YOU OVER THE ROMAN CAMP?
WHOA, YOU MEAN IT?!
YOU BET.

WHOA, YOU MEAN IT?!
YOU BET.
BIRD, MY GLUTEUS

YOU BET.
BIRD, MY GLUTEUS
MAXIMUS, FLAVIUS.

BIRD, MY GLUTEUS
MAXIMUS, FLAVIUS.
THAT'S NO BIRD.

MAXIMUS, FLAVIUS.
THAT'S NO BIRD.
BY THE GODS, QUINTUS,

THAT'S NO BIRD.
BY THE GODS, QUINTUS,
YOU'RE RIGHT.

BY THE GODS, QUINTUS,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT'S AN OMEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT'S AN OMEN.
THAT'S AN OMEN FROM, UM, FROM,

THAT'S AN OMEN.
THAT'S AN OMEN FROM, UM, FROM,
UH... JEEZ, WHICH GOD IS IT THAT

THAT'S AN OMEN FROM, UM, FROM,
UH... JEEZ, WHICH GOD IS IT THAT
PUTS OMENS IN THE SKIES?

UH... JEEZ, WHICH GOD IS IT THAT
PUTS OMENS IN THE SKIES?
UH, JUPITER.

PUTS OMENS IN THE SKIES?
UH, JUPITER.
NO, NOT JUPITER.

UH, JUPITER.
NO, NOT JUPITER.
IT'S NOT APOLLO EITHER, BUT ONE

NO, NOT JUPITER.
IT'S NOT APOLLO EITHER, BUT ONE
LIKE APOLLO, I'M TELLING YOU.

IT'S NOT APOLLO EITHER, BUT ONE
LIKE APOLLO, I'M TELLING YOU.
JEEZ, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?

LIKE APOLLO, I'M TELLING YOU.
JEEZ, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?
I CAN'T THINK OF IT.

JEEZ, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?
I CAN'T THINK OF IT.
CERES, CERES.

I CAN'T THINK OF IT.
CERES, CERES.
NO, CERES IS GRAIN.

CERES, CERES.
NO, CERES IS GRAIN.
YOU KNOW, CERES, CEREAL.

NO, CERES IS GRAIN.
YOU KNOW, CERES, CEREAL.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, CERES, CEREAL.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
HEY, MARCUS?

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
HEY, MARCUS?
Man: YEAH?

HEY, MARCUS?
Man: YEAH?
MARCUS, WHICH GOD IS IT

Man: YEAH?
MARCUS, WHICH GOD IS IT
THAT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR

MARCUS, WHICH GOD IS IT
THAT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR
FLYING OMENS?

THAT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR
FLYING OMENS?
Marcus: JUPITER.

FLYING OMENS?
Marcus: JUPITER.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUPITER.

Marcus: JUPITER.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUPITER.
OH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUPITER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS WRONG, I GUESS.

OH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS WRONG, I GUESS.
OK, SPARTACUS, THE ROMANS

I WAS WRONG, I GUESS.
OK, SPARTACUS, THE ROMANS
ARE DOWN THERE.

OK, SPARTACUS, THE ROMANS
ARE DOWN THERE.
I CAN FLY US IN LOW

ARE DOWN THERE.
I CAN FLY US IN LOW
AND BUZZ 'EM.

I CAN FLY US IN LOW
AND BUZZ 'EM.
THAT OUGHTA SCARE THE BEJESUS

AND BUZZ 'EM.
THAT OUGHTA SCARE THE BEJESUS
OUT OF 'EM, HUH?

THAT OUGHTA SCARE THE BEJESUS
OUT OF 'EM, HUH?
OH...

OUT OF 'EM, HUH?
OH...
HEY, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT

OH...
HEY, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT
TO YELL OR DROP SOMETHING,

HEY, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT
TO YELL OR DROP SOMETHING,
FEEL FREE.

TO YELL OR DROP SOMETHING,
FEEL FREE.
YOU MIGHT TAKE A COUPLE

FEEL FREE.
YOU MIGHT TAKE A COUPLE
OF 'EM OUT.

YOU MIGHT TAKE A COUPLE
OF 'EM OUT.
OH...

OF 'EM OUT.
OH...
LEGIONS OF ROME...

OH...
LEGIONS OF ROME...
I HATE YOUR GUTS!

LEGIONS OF ROME...
I HATE YOUR GUTS!
[LAUGHS]

I HATE YOUR GUTS!
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, IF I, IF I JUST HAD

[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, IF I, IF I JUST HAD
SOME ENTRAILS I COULD PROB...

YOU KNOW, IF I, IF I JUST HAD
SOME ENTRAILS I COULD PROB...
WHAT THE...?

SOME ENTRAILS I COULD PROB...
WHAT THE...?
HEY, MARCUS, COME OVER HERE.

WHAT THE...?
HEY, MARCUS, COME OVER HERE.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS STUFF.

HEY, MARCUS, COME OVER HERE.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS STUFF.
HERE... HERE, TRY THIS.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS STUFF.
HERE... HERE, TRY THIS.
OOH, THANKS.

HERE... HERE, TRY THIS.
OOH, THANKS.
LOOK, I'M GONNA GO THROUGH IT

OOH, THANKS.
LOOK, I'M GONNA GO THROUGH IT
ONCE MORE, OK?

LOOK, I'M GONNA GO THROUGH IT
ONCE MORE, OK?
JUPITER, KING OF THE GODS.

ONCE MORE, OK?
JUPITER, KING OF THE GODS.
Soldiers: RIGHT.

JUPITER, KING OF THE GODS.
Soldiers: RIGHT.
OK, NOW...

Soldiers: RIGHT.
OK, NOW...
WHAT WAS THAT?

OK, NOW...
WHAT WAS THAT?
IS THAT AN OMEN

WHAT WAS THAT?
IS THAT AN OMEN
FROM APOLLO THEN?

IS THAT AN OMEN
FROM APOLLO THEN?
LET ME FINISH, ALL RIGHT?

FROM APOLLO THEN?
LET ME FINISH, ALL RIGHT?
JUPITER, KING OF THE GODS.

LET ME FINISH, ALL RIGHT?
JUPITER, KING OF THE GODS.
JUNO, QUEEN.

JUPITER, KING OF THE GODS.
JUNO, QUEEN.
WAIT A MINUTE,

JUNO, QUEEN.
WAIT A MINUTE,
THEN WHO'S POLYHYMNIA?

WAIT A MINUTE,
THEN WHO'S POLYHYMNIA?
YEAH.

THEN WHO'S POLYHYMNIA?
YEAH.
POLYHYMNIA IS THE MUSE

YEAH.
POLYHYMNIA IS THE MUSE
OF CHORAL SINGING.

POLYHYMNIA IS THE MUSE
OF CHORAL SINGING.
SHE HAS NOTHING

OF CHORAL SINGING.
SHE HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH JUPITER, OK?

SHE HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH JUPITER, OK?
NOW, JUST BE QUIET AND LET ME

TO DO WITH JUPITER, OK?
NOW, JUST BE QUIET AND LET ME
FINISH, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, JUST BE QUIET AND LET ME
FINISH, ALL RIGHT?
JUPITER, JUNO, HERCULES, MERCURY

FINISH, ALL RIGHT?
JUPITER, JUNO, HERCULES, MERCURY
RUNS REAL FAST... THE MESSENGER

JUPITER, JUNO, HERCULES, MERCURY
RUNS REAL FAST... THE MESSENGER
OF THE GODS, OK?

RUNS REAL FAST... THE MESSENGER
OF THE GODS, OK?
RIGHT.

OF THE GODS, OK?
RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, DIANE...

RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, DIANE...
[ALL GROANING]

ALL RIGHT, DIANE...
[ALL GROANING]
OW!

[ALL GROANING]
OW!
WELL, PROFESSOR,

OW!
WELL, PROFESSOR,
ANY COMMENTS?

WELL, PROFESSOR,
ANY COMMENTS?
OH, UM, I WAS JUST THINKING

ANY COMMENTS?
OH, UM, I WAS JUST THINKING
THAT, UM, IT MUST HAVE BEEN

OH, UM, I WAS JUST THINKING
THAT, UM, IT MUST HAVE BEEN
PRETTY BORING TO SIT IN A PLANE

THAT, UM, IT MUST HAVE BEEN
PRETTY BORING TO SIT IN A PLANE
NEXT TO SPARTACUS.

PRETTY BORING TO SIT IN A PLANE
NEXT TO SPARTACUS.
MR. McCLENDON?

NEXT TO SPARTACUS.
MR. McCLENDON?
I COULDN'T DECIDE, YOU KNOW?

MR. McCLENDON?
I COULDN'T DECIDE, YOU KNOW?
I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE

I COULDN'T DECIDE, YOU KNOW?
I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE
THE MOVIE AGAIN,

I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEE
THE MOVIE AGAIN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE MOVIE AGAIN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
FAIR ENOUGH, FAIR ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
FAIR ENOUGH, FAIR ENOUGH.
WELL, THAT CONCLUDES THIS WEEK'S

FAIR ENOUGH, FAIR ENOUGH.
WELL, THAT CONCLUDES THIS WEEK'S
PRESENTATION, BUT I JUST WANT TO

WELL, THAT CONCLUDES THIS WEEK'S
PRESENTATION, BUT I JUST WANT TO
POINT OUT THAT THIS MODEL OF A

PRESENTATION, BUT I JUST WANT TO
POINT OUT THAT THIS MODEL OF A
PIPER CUB, WHICH YOU SAW

POINT OUT THAT THIS MODEL OF A
PIPER CUB, WHICH YOU SAW
EARLIER, WAS ASSEMBLED BY

PIPER CUB, WHICH YOU SAW
EARLIER, WAS ASSEMBLED BY
KEVIN O'DONNELL'S YOUNGER

EARLIER, WAS ASSEMBLED BY
KEVIN O'DONNELL'S YOUNGER
BROTHER BRIAN.

KEVIN O'DONNELL'S YOUNGER
BROTHER BRIAN.
WE JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE THE

BROTHER BRIAN.
WE JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE THE
MODEL BECAUSE WE UNDERSTAND THAT

WE JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE THE
MODEL BECAUSE WE UNDERSTAND THAT
KEVIN AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS

MODEL BECAUSE WE UNDERSTAND THAT
KEVIN AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS
ARE PLANNING TO SET IT

KEVIN AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS
ARE PLANNING TO SET IT
ON FIRE AND BLOW IT UP

ARE PLANNING TO SET IT
ON FIRE AND BLOW IT UP
WITH FIRECRACKERS.

ON FIRE AND BLOW IT UP
WITH FIRECRACKERS.
WELL, WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

WITH FIRECRACKERS.
WELL, WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON

WELL, WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON
"WHAT IF?" WHEN WE'LL TRY TO

PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON
"WHAT IF?" WHEN WE'LL TRY TO
ANSWER THE QUESTION, "WHAT IF

"WHAT IF?" WHEN WE'LL TRY TO
ANSWER THE QUESTION, "WHAT IF
THE EARLY PIONEERS HAD TO FIGHT

ANSWER THE QUESTION, "WHAT IF
THE EARLY PIONEERS HAD TO FIGHT
DINOSAURS BUT THE MAN FROM

THE EARLY PIONEERS HAD TO FIGHT
DINOSAURS BUT THE MAN FROM
U.N.C.L.E. WENT BACK THROUGH

DINOSAURS BUT THE MAN FROM
U.N.C.L.E. WENT BACK THROUGH
TIME TO HELP THEM?"

U.N.C.L.E. WENT BACK THROUGH
TIME TO HELP THEM?"
WELL, THAT SEEMS LIKE A TALL

TIME TO HELP THEM?"
WELL, THAT SEEMS LIKE A TALL
ORDER, KEVIN, BUT WE'LL DO

WELL, THAT SEEMS LIKE A TALL
ORDER, KEVIN, BUT WE'LL DO
OUR BEST.

ORDER, KEVIN, BUT WE'LL DO
OUR BEST.
GOOD NIGHT.

OUR BEST.
GOOD NIGHT.
[♪..., APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

MR. SADAT, CAN YOU TELL ME
WHEN YOU FIRST NOTICED THIS PAIN
IN YOUR MOUTH?

WHEN YOU FIRST NOTICED THIS PAIN
IN YOUR MOUTH?
UH, YES, YES.

IN YOUR MOUTH?
UH, YES, YES.
ON TUESDAY, I WAS SHOWING EZER

UH, YES, YES.
ON TUESDAY, I WAS SHOWING EZER
WEIZMAN THE PYRAMIDS, YOU KNOW,

ON TUESDAY, I WAS SHOWING EZER
WEIZMAN THE PYRAMIDS, YOU KNOW,
AND I BOUGHT A SNO-CONE AND BIT

WEIZMAN THE PYRAMIDS, YOU KNOW,
AND I BOUGHT A SNO-CONE AND BIT
INTO IT AND I CANNOT TELL YOU

AND I BOUGHT A SNO-CONE AND BIT
INTO IT AND I CANNOT TELL YOU
THE PAIN... REALLY, REALLY.

INTO IT AND I CANNOT TELL YOU
THE PAIN... REALLY, REALLY.
UH-HUH, WELL, THERE'S NO

THE PAIN... REALLY, REALLY.
UH-HUH, WELL, THERE'S NO
DOUBT ABOUT IT... YOU'VE GOT A

UH-HUH, WELL, THERE'S NO
DOUBT ABOUT IT... YOU'VE GOT A
SEVERELY DECAYED SECOND LOWER

DOUBT ABOUT IT... YOU'VE GOT A
SEVERELY DECAYED SECOND LOWER
MOLAR, SIR.

SEVERELY DECAYED SECOND LOWER
MOLAR, SIR.
PRESIDENT SADAT, CAN I ASK

MOLAR, SIR.
PRESIDENT SADAT, CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?

PRESIDENT SADAT, CAN I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?
HOW OFTEN DO YOU BRUSH?

YOU SOMETHING?
HOW OFTEN DO YOU BRUSH?
EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY...

HOW OFTEN DO YOU BRUSH?
EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY...
REALLY, REALLY.

EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY...
REALLY, REALLY.
SIR... SIR, WE'RE BEING

REALLY, REALLY.
SIR... SIR, WE'RE BEING
SERIOUS HERE.

SIR... SIR, WE'RE BEING
SERIOUS HERE.
ONE TIME EVERY 10 DAYS.

SERIOUS HERE.
ONE TIME EVERY 10 DAYS.
I THOUGHT SO.

ONE TIME EVERY 10 DAYS.
I THOUGHT SO.
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL BADLY,

I THOUGHT SO.
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL BADLY,
MR. SADAT, I CAN TELL YOU OFF

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL BADLY,
MR. SADAT, I CAN TELL YOU OFF
THE RECORD THAT EMPEROR BOKASSA

MR. SADAT, I CAN TELL YOU OFF
THE RECORD THAT EMPEROR BOKASSA
HAS NEVER BRUSHED HIS TEETH...

THE RECORD THAT EMPEROR BOKASSA
HAS NEVER BRUSHED HIS TEETH...
NOT EVER, NOT EVEN ONCE.

HAS NEVER BRUSHED HIS TEETH...
NOT EVER, NOT EVEN ONCE.
OH, UH, REALLY?

NOT EVER, NOT EVEN ONCE.
OH, UH, REALLY?
BUT, YOU KNOW,

OH, UH, REALLY?
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I FEAR THE DENTIST.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
I FEAR THE DENTIST.
I CAN'T STAND GOING

I FEAR THE DENTIST.
I CAN'T STAND GOING
TO THE DENTIST.

I CAN'T STAND GOING
TO THE DENTIST.
YEAH, WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

TO THE DENTIST.
YEAH, WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY, MR. SADAT, THE TREATMENT

YEAH, WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY, MR. SADAT, THE TREATMENT
YOU'RE GOING TO GET HERE AT THE

WORRY, MR. SADAT, THE TREATMENT
YOU'RE GOING TO GET HERE AT THE
PENTAGON DENTAL RESEARCH

YOU'RE GOING TO GET HERE AT THE
PENTAGON DENTAL RESEARCH
INSTITUTE IS THE FINEST, MOST

PENTAGON DENTAL RESEARCH
INSTITUTE IS THE FINEST, MOST
SOPHISTICATED IN THE WORLD.

INSTITUTE IS THE FINEST, MOST
SOPHISTICATED IN THE WORLD.
AND WITH THE ISRAELI-EGYPTIAN

SOPHISTICATED IN THE WORLD.
AND WITH THE ISRAELI-EGYPTIAN
DINNER NEXT WEEK, OUR GOVERNMENT

AND WITH THE ISRAELI-EGYPTIAN
DINNER NEXT WEEK, OUR GOVERNMENT
JUST CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE YOU

DINNER NEXT WEEK, OUR GOVERNMENT
JUST CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE YOU
FEELING LESS THAN YOUR BEST.

JUST CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE YOU
FEELING LESS THAN YOUR BEST.
UH, YES, YES.

FEELING LESS THAN YOUR BEST.
UH, YES, YES.
IT IS MOST IMPORTANT NOW FOR

UH, YES, YES.
IT IS MOST IMPORTANT NOW FOR
PEACE THAT WHEN I SPEAK TO THE

IT IS MOST IMPORTANT NOW FOR
PEACE THAT WHEN I SPEAK TO THE
ISRAELIS AT THE DINNER THAT I AM

PEACE THAT WHEN I SPEAK TO THE
ISRAELIS AT THE DINNER THAT I AM
NOT THEN BEING MISUNDERSTOOD

ISRAELIS AT THE DINNER THAT I AM
NOT THEN BEING MISUNDERSTOOD
BY THEM.

NOT THEN BEING MISUNDERSTOOD
BY THEM.
YEAH, I THINK I KNOW WHAT

BY THEM.
YEAH, I THINK I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY, MR. SADAT.

YEAH, I THINK I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY, MR. SADAT.
IT'S IMPORTANT YOUR TOOTH BE

YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY, MR. SADAT.
IT'S IMPORTANT YOUR TOOTH BE
FILLED BEFORE THE DINNER, AND

IT'S IMPORTANT YOUR TOOTH BE
FILLED BEFORE THE DINNER, AND
FILLED IN THE QUICKEST AND

FILLED BEFORE THE DINNER, AND
FILLED IN THE QUICKEST AND
SAFEST WAY POSSIBLE.

FILLED IN THE QUICKEST AND
SAFEST WAY POSSIBLE.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

SAFEST WAY POSSIBLE.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE CALLED IN

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE CALLED IN
THE MICRO-DENTISTS.

THAT'S WHY WE'VE CALLED IN
THE MICRO-DENTISTS.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

THE MICRO-DENTISTS.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
MINIATURE ORAL SPECIAL FORCE,

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
MINIATURE ORAL SPECIAL FORCE,
REPORTING FOR DUTY.

MINIATURE ORAL SPECIAL FORCE,
REPORTING FOR DUTY.
AS YOU WERE.

REPORTING FOR DUTY.
AS YOU WERE.
MR. SADAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

AS YOU WERE.
MR. SADAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
THE DENTAL TEAM WHO'LL BE

MR. SADAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
THE DENTAL TEAM WHO'LL BE
WORKING ON YOU.

THE DENTAL TEAM WHO'LL BE
WORKING ON YOU.
FIRST, COLONEL LLOYD D. WESTMAN,

WORKING ON YOU.
FIRST, COLONEL LLOYD D. WESTMAN,
D.D.S., TUFTS UNIVERSITY.

FIRST, COLONEL LLOYD D. WESTMAN,
D.D.S., TUFTS UNIVERSITY.
IN THE ARMY HE'S KNOWN AS "OLD

D.D.S., TUFTS UNIVERSITY.
IN THE ARMY HE'S KNOWN AS "OLD
BRUSH 'N FLOSS," WON A PURPLE

IN THE ARMY HE'S KNOWN AS "OLD
BRUSH 'N FLOSS," WON A PURPLE
HEART IN KOREA.

BRUSH 'N FLOSS," WON A PURPLE
HEART IN KOREA.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM

HEART IN KOREA.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM
HOW, COLONEL?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM
HOW, COLONEL?
WELL, WE WERE UNDER

HOW, COLONEL?
WELL, WE WERE UNDER
HEAVY FIRE.

WELL, WE WERE UNDER
HEAVY FIRE.
I WAS WORKING ON A G.I. WITH AN

HEAVY FIRE.
I WAS WORKING ON A G.I. WITH AN
IMPACTED WISDOM TOOTH.

I WAS WORKING ON A G.I. WITH AN
IMPACTED WISDOM TOOTH.
CAUGHT A PIECE OF SHRAPNEL ON

IMPACTED WISDOM TOOTH.
CAUGHT A PIECE OF SHRAPNEL ON
THE CHIN, NO BIG DEAL.

CAUGHT A PIECE OF SHRAPNEL ON
THE CHIN, NO BIG DEAL.
THIS IS HIS DAUGHTER, NICOLE.

THE CHIN, NO BIG DEAL.
THIS IS HIS DAUGHTER, NICOLE.
NOW, PERSONALLY, I DON'T LIKE

THIS IS HIS DAUGHTER, NICOLE.
NOW, PERSONALLY, I DON'T LIKE
THE IDEA OF A WOMAN BEING ON

NOW, PERSONALLY, I DON'T LIKE
THE IDEA OF A WOMAN BEING ON
THIS ASSIGNMENT, BUT HER FATHER

THE IDEA OF A WOMAN BEING ON
THIS ASSIGNMENT, BUT HER FATHER
SWEARS SHE'S THE BEST DENTAL

THIS ASSIGNMENT, BUT HER FATHER
SWEARS SHE'S THE BEST DENTAL
HYGIENIST AROUND.

SWEARS SHE'S THE BEST DENTAL
HYGIENIST AROUND.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

HYGIENIST AROUND.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
GENERAL, I'M AS CAPABLE

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
GENERAL, I'M AS CAPABLE
AS ANY MAN.

GENERAL, I'M AS CAPABLE
AS ANY MAN.
AND, BY THE WAY, I DON'T KNOW

AS ANY MAN.
AND, BY THE WAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHO CHOOSES THE MAGAZINES IN

AND, BY THE WAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHO CHOOSES THE MAGAZINES IN
YOUR RECEPTION ROOM, BUT YOU'VE

WHO CHOOSES THE MAGAZINES IN
YOUR RECEPTION ROOM, BUT YOU'VE
GOT A NEWSWEEK OUT THERE AT

YOUR RECEPTION ROOM, BUT YOU'VE
GOT A NEWSWEEK OUT THERE AT
LEAST EIGHT MONTHS OLD.

GOT A NEWSWEEK OUT THERE AT
LEAST EIGHT MONTHS OLD.
THIS IS CAPTAIN STEVE

LEAST EIGHT MONTHS OLD.
THIS IS CAPTAIN STEVE
McLEOD, D.D.S., MICHIGAN STATE.

THIS IS CAPTAIN STEVE
McLEOD, D.D.S., MICHIGAN STATE.
HE'S YOUNG AND BRASH, ONE OF THE

McLEOD, D.D.S., MICHIGAN STATE.
HE'S YOUNG AND BRASH, ONE OF THE
BEST WE'VE GOT, EVEN THOUGH

HE'S YOUNG AND BRASH, ONE OF THE
BEST WE'VE GOT, EVEN THOUGH
HE NEVER FINISHED HIS

BEST WE'VE GOT, EVEN THOUGH
HE NEVER FINISHED HIS
POST-DOCTORAL WORK.

HE NEVER FINISHED HIS
POST-DOCTORAL WORK.
YOU NEEDN'T BE

POST-DOCTORAL WORK.
YOU NEEDN'T BE
SO DELICATE, GENERAL.

YOU NEEDN'T BE
SO DELICATE, GENERAL.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL MR.

SO DELICATE, GENERAL.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL MR.
SADAT THAT I WAS BOUNCED OUT?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL MR.
SADAT THAT I WAS BOUNCED OUT?
YEAH, BOUNCED OUT, SIR,

SADAT THAT I WAS BOUNCED OUT?
YEAH, BOUNCED OUT, SIR,
FOR HAVING THE GUTS TO SAY

YEAH, BOUNCED OUT, SIR,
FOR HAVING THE GUTS TO SAY
THAT BRUSHING UP AND DOWN

FOR HAVING THE GUTS TO SAY
THAT BRUSHING UP AND DOWN
WAS A FRAUD.

THAT BRUSHING UP AND DOWN
WAS A FRAUD.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WAS A FRAUD.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
KNOCK IT OFF, CAPTAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
KNOCK IT OFF, CAPTAIN.
WE HAVE A JOB TO DO.

KNOCK IT OFF, CAPTAIN.
WE HAVE A JOB TO DO.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

WE HAVE A JOB TO DO.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE ON THIS

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE ON THIS
MISSION IS BECAUSE YOU KNOW MORE

THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE ON THIS
MISSION IS BECAUSE YOU KNOW MORE
ABOUT PLAQUE BUILDUP THAN ANY

MISSION IS BECAUSE YOU KNOW MORE
ABOUT PLAQUE BUILDUP THAN ANY
PERIODONTIST ON OUR SIDE.

ABOUT PLAQUE BUILDUP THAN ANY
PERIODONTIST ON OUR SIDE.
SO, THESE THREE PEOPLE WILL

PERIODONTIST ON OUR SIDE.
SO, THESE THREE PEOPLE WILL
ALL WORK ON MY MOUTH?

SO, THESE THREE PEOPLE WILL
ALL WORK ON MY MOUTH?
NOT ON YOUR MOUTH,

ALL WORK ON MY MOUTH?
NOT ON YOUR MOUTH,
MR. SADAT... IN YOUR MOUTH.

NOT ON YOUR MOUTH,
MR. SADAT... IN YOUR MOUTH.
PREPARE FOR MINIATURIZATION.

MR. SADAT... IN YOUR MOUTH.
PREPARE FOR MINIATURIZATION.
YES, SIR!

PREPARE FOR MINIATURIZATION.
YES, SIR!
YOU SEE, MR. SADAT, OVER THE

YES, SIR!
YOU SEE, MR. SADAT, OVER THE
YEARS, WE'VE DONE A LOT OF

YOU SEE, MR. SADAT, OVER THE
YEARS, WE'VE DONE A LOT OF
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPED AN

YEARS, WE'VE DONE A LOT OF
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPED AN
IONIZATION PROCESS BY WHICH WE

RESEARCH AND DEVELOPED AN
IONIZATION PROCESS BY WHICH WE
CAN REDUCE ANY DENTIST OR

IONIZATION PROCESS BY WHICH WE
CAN REDUCE ANY DENTIST OR
RECEPTIONIST DOWN TO AN INCH IN

CAN REDUCE ANY DENTIST OR
RECEPTIONIST DOWN TO AN INCH IN
HEIGHT, ENABLING HIM TO ENTER

RECEPTIONIST DOWN TO AN INCH IN
HEIGHT, ENABLING HIM TO ENTER
YOUR MOUTH AND WORK DIRECTLY ON

HEIGHT, ENABLING HIM TO ENTER
YOUR MOUTH AND WORK DIRECTLY ON
THE PROBLEM TOOTH.

YOUR MOUTH AND WORK DIRECTLY ON
THE PROBLEM TOOTH.
THIS THING IS FULL OF CHIPS,

THE PROBLEM TOOTH.
THIS THING IS FULL OF CHIPS,
MICROCOMPUTERS, PROCESSORS BY

THIS THING IS FULL OF CHIPS,
MICROCOMPUTERS, PROCESSORS BY
THE SCORES.

MICROCOMPUTERS, PROCESSORS BY
THE SCORES.
READY FOR MINIATURIZATION?

THE SCORES.
READY FOR MINIATURIZATION?
READY, GENERAL.

READY FOR MINIATURIZATION?
READY, GENERAL.
[BUZZING NOISE]

READY, GENERAL.
[BUZZING NOISE]
AMAZING, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

[BUZZING NOISE]
AMAZING, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
WELL, JUST SIT BACK,

AMAZING, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
WELL, JUST SIT BACK,
MR. SADAT.

WELL, JUST SIT BACK,
MR. SADAT.
DO YOUR BEST DO RELAX,

MR. SADAT.
DO YOUR BEST DO RELAX,
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, TRY NOT

DO YOUR BEST DO RELAX,
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, TRY NOT
TO MOVE YOUR TONGUE.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, TRY NOT
TO MOVE YOUR TONGUE.
[♪...]

THIS IS COLONEL WESTMAN
SPEAKING, GENERAL.
WE'RE IN THE MOUTH.

SPEAKING, GENERAL.
WE'RE IN THE MOUTH.
REPEAT... WE'RE IN THE MOUTH!

WE'RE IN THE MOUTH.
REPEAT... WE'RE IN THE MOUTH!
OH, GOD, DOES THIS GUY

REPEAT... WE'RE IN THE MOUTH!
OH, GOD, DOES THIS GUY
EVER BRUSH?

OH, GOD, DOES THIS GUY
EVER BRUSH?
IT SURE DOESN'T SEEM

EVER BRUSH?
IT SURE DOESN'T SEEM
THAT WAY.

IT SURE DOESN'T SEEM
THAT WAY.
I'D SAY ONCE EVERY

THAT WAY.
I'D SAY ONCE EVERY
10 DAYS, TOPS.

I'D SAY ONCE EVERY
10 DAYS, TOPS.
[COUGHS] WE'RE GONNA NEED

10 DAYS, TOPS.
[COUGHS] WE'RE GONNA NEED
SOME MOUTHWASH, AND FAST.

[COUGHS] WE'RE GONNA NEED
SOME MOUTHWASH, AND FAST.
READ YOU LOUD

SOME MOUTHWASH, AND FAST.
READ YOU LOUD
AND CLEAR, COLONEL.

Westman: LET'S HAVE IT!
General: HOW'S THAT, OK?
WELL, IT'S NOT GREAT IN HERE,

General: HOW'S THAT, OK?
WELL, IT'S NOT GREAT IN HERE,
BUT WE'LL MAKE IT.

WELL, IT'S NOT GREAT IN HERE,
BUT WE'LL MAKE IT.
OVER AND OUT!

BUT WE'LL MAKE IT.
OVER AND OUT!
COLONEL, I FEEL LIKE A JERK,

OVER AND OUT!
COLONEL, I FEEL LIKE A JERK,
BUT, UH, I DRANK THREE POTS OF

COLONEL, I FEEL LIKE A JERK,
BUT, UH, I DRANK THREE POTS OF
TEA BEFORE I CAME OVER HERE...

BUT, UH, I DRANK THREE POTS OF
TEA BEFORE I CAME OVER HERE...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTAIN, NEED I REMIND YOU
THAT YOU'RE STANDING IN THE
MOUTH OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE

THAT YOU'RE STANDING IN THE
MOUTH OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED ARAB REPUBLIC, SO PLEASE

MOUTH OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED ARAB REPUBLIC, SO PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF.

UNITED ARAB REPUBLIC, SO PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF.
OK, OK.

CONTROL YOURSELF.
OK, OK.
AND, BESIDES, WE DON'T HAVE

OK, OK.
AND, BESIDES, WE DON'T HAVE
MUCH TIME.

AND, BESIDES, WE DON'T HAVE
MUCH TIME.
IN FIVE MINUTES, THE IONIZATION

MUCH TIME.
IN FIVE MINUTES, THE IONIZATION
EFFECT WILL WEAR OFF.

IN FIVE MINUTES, THE IONIZATION
EFFECT WILL WEAR OFF.
WE'LL RETURN TO NORMAL SIZE AND

EFFECT WILL WEAR OFF.
WE'LL RETURN TO NORMAL SIZE AND
IF WE'RE STILL HERE IN PRESIDENT

WE'LL RETURN TO NORMAL SIZE AND
IF WE'RE STILL HERE IN PRESIDENT
SADAT'S MOUTH, WE'LL RUN THE

IF WE'RE STILL HERE IN PRESIDENT
SADAT'S MOUTH, WE'LL RUN THE
DANGER OF EXPLODING THROUGH

SADAT'S MOUTH, WE'LL RUN THE
DANGER OF EXPLODING THROUGH
HIS HEAD!

DANGER OF EXPLODING THROUGH
HIS HEAD!
WELL, THEN, LET'S GO.

HEY, CAN I HELP YOU WITH THAT
DENTAL FLOSS?
I'M QUITE CAPABLE OF HANDLING

DENTAL FLOSS?
I'M QUITE CAPABLE OF HANDLING
IT MYSELF, CAPTAIN.

I'M QUITE CAPABLE OF HANDLING
IT MYSELF, CAPTAIN.
TELL ME, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA

IT MYSELF, CAPTAIN.
TELL ME, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA
STOP ACTING LIKE A SCIENTIST AND

TELL ME, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA
STOP ACTING LIKE A SCIENTIST AND
START ACTING LIKE A WOMAN?

STOP ACTING LIKE A SCIENTIST AND
START ACTING LIKE A WOMAN?
COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

START ACTING LIKE A WOMAN?
COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.
WALKING AROUND HERE IN ANWAR

COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.
WALKING AROUND HERE IN ANWAR
SADAT'S MOUTH MAKES ME THINK HOW

WALKING AROUND HERE IN ANWAR
SADAT'S MOUTH MAKES ME THINK HOW
MUCH I'D LIKE TO GET INTO YOURS.

SADAT'S MOUTH MAKES ME THINK HOW
MUCH I'D LIKE TO GET INTO YOURS.
THAT'S ONE PLACE YOU'LL NEVER

MUCH I'D LIKE TO GET INTO YOURS.
THAT'S ONE PLACE YOU'LL NEVER
GET, CAPTAIN.

THAT'S ONE PLACE YOU'LL NEVER
GET, CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN McLEOD,

GET, CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN McLEOD,
LOOK AT THIS!

CAPTAIN McLEOD,
LOOK AT THIS!
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?

LOOK AT THIS!
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?
BUDWEISER.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?
BUDWEISER.
WE GOT COMPANY, COLONEL.

BUDWEISER.
WE GOT COMPANY, COLONEL.
TASTE BUDS... LOUSY, STINKIN'

WE GOT COMPANY, COLONEL.
TASTE BUDS... LOUSY, STINKIN'
TASTE BUDS.

TASTE BUDS... LOUSY, STINKIN'
TASTE BUDS.
[SCREAMS] THERE THEY COME!

TASTE BUDS.
[SCREAMS] THERE THEY COME!
OH, FATHER!

[SCREAMS] THERE THEY COME!
OH, FATHER!
FATHER! [SCREAMS]

OH, FATHER!
FATHER! [SCREAMS]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FATHER! [SCREAMS]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DIE, TASTE BUDS!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DIE, TASTE BUDS!
[TASTE BUD SCREAMS]

DIE, TASTE BUDS!
[TASTE BUD SCREAMS]
[LAUGHTER]

[TASTE BUD SCREAMS]
[LAUGHTER]
YOU OK?

[LAUGHTER]
YOU OK?
NO, NO... I'M ALL RIGHT.

YOU OK?
NO, NO... I'M ALL RIGHT.
[McLEOD PANTS]

NO, NO... I'M ALL RIGHT.
[McLEOD PANTS]
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR

[McLEOD PANTS]
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
SAVING MY FATHER'S LIFE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
SAVING MY FATHER'S LIFE.
I... I GUESS I WAS WRONG

SAVING MY FATHER'S LIFE.
I... I GUESS I WAS WRONG
ABOUT YOU.

I... I GUESS I WAS WRONG
ABOUT YOU.
FORGET IT.

ABOUT YOU.
FORGET IT.
MAYBE I WASN'T THE NICEST GUY

FORGET IT.
MAYBE I WASN'T THE NICEST GUY
IN THE WORLD.

MAYBE I WASN'T THE NICEST GUY
IN THE WORLD.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

IN THE WORLD.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING.
I REALLY LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING.
I REALLY LIKE YOU.
YOU HAVE MY FAVORITE KIND OF

I REALLY LIKE YOU.
YOU HAVE MY FAVORITE KIND OF
BODY, AND THAT MOUTH OF YOURS IS

YOU HAVE MY FAVORITE KIND OF
BODY, AND THAT MOUTH OF YOURS IS
SO SLEAZY.

BODY, AND THAT MOUTH OF YOURS IS
SO SLEAZY.
TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN THIS IS

SO SLEAZY.
TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN THIS IS
ALL OVER, YOU WANNA SHACK UP

TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN THIS IS
ALL OVER, YOU WANNA SHACK UP
WITH ME?

ALL OVER, YOU WANNA SHACK UP
WITH ME?
Westman: WELL, HERE IT IS.

WITH ME?
Westman: WELL, HERE IT IS.
BOY, BADLY DECAYED, ALL RIGHT.

Westman: WELL, HERE IT IS.
BOY, BADLY DECAYED, ALL RIGHT.
HEY...

BOY, BADLY DECAYED, ALL RIGHT.
HEY...
WOULD YOU TWO CUT THAT OUT?

HEY...
WOULD YOU TWO CUT THAT OUT?
NICOLE, WHY ARE YOU SUCH

WOULD YOU TWO CUT THAT OUT?
NICOLE, WHY ARE YOU SUCH
A TRAMP?

NICOLE, WHY ARE YOU SUCH
A TRAMP?
GEE, DAD, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO

A TRAMP?
GEE, DAD, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
SAY THAT IN FRONT OF CAPTAIN...

GEE, DAD, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
SAY THAT IN FRONT OF CAPTAIN...
WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME

SAY THAT IN FRONT OF CAPTAIN...
WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME
WAS AGAIN?

WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME
WAS AGAIN?
McLEOD, STEVE McLEOD.

WAS AGAIN?
McLEOD, STEVE McLEOD.
THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT.

McLEOD, STEVE McLEOD.
THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT.
WE GOT A MINUTE AND A HALF TO

THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT.
WE GOT A MINUTE AND A HALF TO
FILL THIS CAVITY AND GET THE

WE GOT A MINUTE AND A HALF TO
FILL THIS CAVITY AND GET THE
HELL OUT OF HERE.

FILL THIS CAVITY AND GET THE
HELL OUT OF HERE.
GENERAL, SEND IN A

HELL OUT OF HERE.
GENERAL, SEND IN A
NITROUS OXIDE.

GENERAL, SEND IN A
NITROUS OXIDE.
WE'RE GOING TO WORK.

NITROUS OXIDE.
WE'RE GOING TO WORK.
ROGER.

WE'RE GOING TO WORK.
ROGER.
NOW, PRESIDENT SADAT, THIS IS

ROGER.
NOW, PRESIDENT SADAT, THIS IS
NITROUS OXIDE, OTHERWISE KNOWN

NOW, PRESIDENT SADAT, THIS IS
NITROUS OXIDE, OTHERWISE KNOWN
AS LAUGHING GAS.

NITROUS OXIDE, OTHERWISE KNOWN
AS LAUGHING GAS.
I JUST WANT YOU TO BREATHE

AS LAUGHING GAS.
I JUST WANT YOU TO BREATHE
NORMALLY AND RELAX.

I JUST WANT YOU TO BREATHE
NORMALLY AND RELAX.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS!

NORMALLY AND RELAX.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS!
LOOK AT THIS, A PIECE OF LAMB!

HEY, LOOK AT THIS!
LOOK AT THIS, A PIECE OF LAMB!
[LAUGHS] CAN YOU

LOOK AT THIS, A PIECE OF LAMB!
[LAUGHS] CAN YOU
BELIEVE THIS?

[LAUGHS] CAN YOU
BELIEVE THIS?
IT'S PROBABLY BEEN IN

BELIEVE THIS?
IT'S PROBABLY BEEN IN
HERE A WEEK!

IT'S PROBABLY BEEN IN
HERE A WEEK!
GERONIMO!

HERE A WEEK!
GERONIMO!
[ALL LAUGH]

GERONIMO!
[ALL LAUGH]
HEY, DON, GIVE ME A HAND WITH

[ALL LAUGH]
HEY, DON, GIVE ME A HAND WITH
THIS PLAQUE, WILL YOU?

HEY, DON, GIVE ME A HAND WITH
THIS PLAQUE, WILL YOU?
UGH!

THIS PLAQUE, WILL YOU?
UGH!
COLONEL WESTMAN...

UGH!
COLONEL WESTMAN...
HEY, ARE YOU READY WITH

COLONEL WESTMAN...
HEY, ARE YOU READY WITH
THE SILVER, COLONEL?

HEY, ARE YOU READY WITH
THE SILVER, COLONEL?
NOW, CAPTAIN, I'LL SHOW YOU

THE SILVER, COLONEL?
NOW, CAPTAIN, I'LL SHOW YOU
HOW TO FILL A CAVITY! [LAUGHS]

NOW, CAPTAIN, I'LL SHOW YOU
HOW TO FILL A CAVITY! [LAUGHS]
COLONEL WESTMAN,

HOW TO FILL A CAVITY! [LAUGHS]
COLONEL WESTMAN,
DO YOU READ ME?

COLONEL WESTMAN,
DO YOU READ ME?
COLONEL WESTMAN, I'M CUTTING OFF

DO YOU READ ME?
COLONEL WESTMAN, I'M CUTTING OFF
THE GAS.

COLONEL WESTMAN, I'M CUTTING OFF
THE GAS.
YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS LEFT.

THE GAS.
YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS LEFT.
REPEAT, YOU HAVE

YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS LEFT.
REPEAT, YOU HAVE
30 SECONDS LEFT.

REPEAT, YOU HAVE
30 SECONDS LEFT.
EVACUATE PRESIDENT SADAT'S

30 SECONDS LEFT.
EVACUATE PRESIDENT SADAT'S
MOUTH AT ONCE.

EVACUATE PRESIDENT SADAT'S
MOUTH AT ONCE.
[ALL LAUGHING]

MOUTH AT ONCE.
[ALL LAUGHING]
OH, GOSH, OH, LORD.

[ALL LAUGHING]
OH, GOSH, OH, LORD.
I'M FUNNY!

OH, GOSH, OH, LORD.
I'M FUNNY!
OH, BOY... COLONEL, WE'RE

I'M FUNNY!
OH, BOY... COLONEL, WE'RE
RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

OH, BOY... COLONEL, WE'RE
RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, COME ON!

RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, COME ON!
NO, I'M NOT LEAVING TILL

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, COME ON!
NO, I'M NOT LEAVING TILL
THIS JOB'S FINISHED!

NO, I'M NOT LEAVING TILL
THIS JOB'S FINISHED!
DAD, PLEASE!

THIS JOB'S FINISHED!
DAD, PLEASE!
I WANT TO DO THIS JOB RIGHT.

DAD, PLEASE!
I WANT TO DO THIS JOB RIGHT.
THIS IS ONE MOUTH I DON'T WANT

I WANT TO DO THIS JOB RIGHT.
THIS IS ONE MOUTH I DON'T WANT
TO COME BACK TO.

THIS IS ONE MOUTH I DON'T WANT
TO COME BACK TO.
NOW, STEVE, TAKE NICOLE

TO COME BACK TO.
NOW, STEVE, TAKE NICOLE
AND GET OUT OF HERE.

NOW, STEVE, TAKE NICOLE
AND GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT, SIR...

AND GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT, SIR...
THAT'S AN ORDER, CAPTAIN.

BUT, SIR...
THAT'S AN ORDER, CAPTAIN.
DAD... OH!

THAT'S AN ORDER, CAPTAIN.
DAD... OH!
General: COLONEL, YOU HAVE 10

DAD... OH!
General: COLONEL, YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS... EVACUATE AT ONCE!

General: COLONEL, YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS... EVACUATE AT ONCE!
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!

SECONDS... EVACUATE AT ONCE!
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!
HI, I'M GILDA RADNER.

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!
HI, I'M GILDA RADNER.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

HI, I'M GILDA RADNER.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
UH, WE KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE

AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
UH, WE KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE
FANS OF SATURDAY NIGHT AND, UH,

UH, WE KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE
FANS OF SATURDAY NIGHT AND, UH,
YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING FORWARD

FANS OF SATURDAY NIGHT AND, UH,
YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS

YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
THAT WE DO.

TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
THAT WE DO.
WELL, THIS IS ONE THAT WE WON'T

THAT WE DO.
WELL, THIS IS ONE THAT WE WON'T
BE ABLE TO DO TONIGHT.

WELL, THIS IS ONE THAT WE WON'T
BE ABLE TO DO TONIGHT.
WE'RE VERY SORRY.

BE ABLE TO DO TONIGHT.
WE'RE VERY SORRY.
UH, JANE?

WE'RE VERY SORRY.
UH, JANE?
IT SEEMS THAT SOMETIMES YOU

UH, JANE?
IT SEEMS THAT SOMETIMES YOU
TRY TO DO SPECIAL EFFECTS AND IT

IT SEEMS THAT SOMETIMES YOU
TRY TO DO SPECIAL EFFECTS AND IT
SEEMS AS THOUGH... [LAUGHS]

TRY TO DO SPECIAL EFFECTS AND IT
SEEMS AS THOUGH... [LAUGHS]
WE'RE PUTTING SOMETHING OVER ON

SEEMS AS THOUGH... [LAUGHS]
WE'RE PUTTING SOMETHING OVER ON
YOU BUT WE'RE REALLY NOT.

WE'RE PUTTING SOMETHING OVER ON
YOU BUT WE'RE REALLY NOT.
RIGHT, IT IS LIVE TV AND WE

YOU BUT WE'RE REALLY NOT.
RIGHT, IT IS LIVE TV AND WE
CAN'T DO EVERYTHING ON LIVE TV.

RIGHT, IT IS LIVE TV AND WE
CAN'T DO EVERYTHING ON LIVE TV.
AND WE DECIDED THAT IT JUST

CAN'T DO EVERYTHING ON LIVE TV.
AND WE DECIDED THAT IT JUST
WASN'T WORTH THE RISK OF PUTTING

AND WE DECIDED THAT IT JUST
WASN'T WORTH THE RISK OF PUTTING
SOMETHING... [LAUGHS]

WASN'T WORTH THE RISK OF PUTTING
SOMETHING... [LAUGHS]
OVER ON YOU, BECAUSE WE KNEW

SOMETHING... [LAUGHS]
OVER ON YOU, BECAUSE WE KNEW
THAT IF WE FAILED, IT WOULD BE

OVER ON YOU, BECAUSE WE KNEW
THAT IF WE FAILED, IT WOULD BE
YOU, THE AUDIENCE...

THAT IF WE FAILED, IT WOULD BE
YOU, THE AUDIENCE...
THAT WOULD SUFFER.

YOU, THE AUDIENCE...
THAT WOULD SUFFER.
AND THAT'S JUST NOT THE WAY WE

THAT WOULD SUFFER.
AND THAT'S JUST NOT THE WAY WE
DO THINGS HERE.

AND THAT'S JUST NOT THE WAY WE
DO THINGS HERE.
ISN'T THAT TRUE, GILDA?

DO THINGS HERE.
ISN'T THAT TRUE, GILDA?
NO... THAT'S RIGHT, JANE.

ISN'T THAT TRUE, GILDA?
NO... THAT'S RIGHT, JANE.
UH, YOU KNOW, JANE'S PROBABLY

NO... THAT'S RIGHT, JANE.
UH, YOU KNOW, JANE'S PROBABLY
WONDERING IF... [LAUGHS]

UH, YOU KNOW, JANE'S PROBABLY
WONDERING IF... [LAUGHS]
IF KIRK, UM, GOT OUT OF

WONDERING IF... [LAUGHS]
IF KIRK, UM, GOT OUT OF
GARRETT'S MOUTH IN TIME.

IF KIRK, UM, GOT OUT OF
GARRETT'S MOUTH IN TIME.
I AM!

GARRETT'S MOUTH IN TIME.
I AM!
[BOTH LAUGH]

I AM!
[BOTH LAUGH]
SHOULDN'T WE...

[BOTH LAUGH]
SHOULDN'T WE...
SURE LIKE TO CUT THINGS

SHOULDN'T WE...
SURE LIKE TO CUT THINGS
CLOSE, DON'T YOU, COLONEL?

SURE LIKE TO CUT THINGS
CLOSE, DON'T YOU, COLONEL?
I'M AN ARMY DENTIST, CAPTAIN.

CLOSE, DON'T YOU, COLONEL?
I'M AN ARMY DENTIST, CAPTAIN.
IT'S MY JOB.

I'M AN ARMY DENTIST, CAPTAIN.
IT'S MY JOB.
COLONEL WESTMAN, THAT WAS

IT'S MY JOB.
COLONEL WESTMAN, THAT WAS
THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE,

COLONEL WESTMAN, THAT WAS
THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE,
INSUBORDINATE AND RECKLESS

THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE,
INSUBORDINATE AND RECKLESS
BEHAVIOR I HAVE EVER SEEN FROM

INSUBORDINATE AND RECKLESS
BEHAVIOR I HAVE EVER SEEN FROM
AN OFFICER.

BEHAVIOR I HAVE EVER SEEN FROM
AN OFFICER.
AND I'M GOING TO RECOMMEND YOU

AN OFFICER.
AND I'M GOING TO RECOMMEND YOU
FOR A CONGRESSIONAL

AND I'M GOING TO RECOMMEND YOU
FOR A CONGRESSIONAL
MEDAL OF HONOR.

FOR A CONGRESSIONAL
MEDAL OF HONOR.
OH, WOW, DAD!

MEDAL OF HONOR.
OH, WOW, DAD!
CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.

OH, WOW, DAD!
CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.
WELL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING,

CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.
WELL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING,
PRESIDENT SADAT?

WELL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING,
PRESIDENT SADAT?
I BET YOU'RE ALL READY FOR THAT

PRESIDENT SADAT?
I BET YOU'RE ALL READY FOR THAT
STEAK DINNER.

I BET YOU'RE ALL READY FOR THAT
STEAK DINNER.
YES, YES, I FEEL MUCH BETTER.

STEAK DINNER.
YES, YES, I FEEL MUCH BETTER.
REALLY, REALLY, MUCH BETTER,

YES, YES, I FEEL MUCH BETTER.
REALLY, REALLY, MUCH BETTER,
BUT YOU KNOW, WHILE I WAS

REALLY, REALLY, MUCH BETTER,
BUT YOU KNOW, WHILE I WAS
UNCONSCIOUS, I HAD THE

BUT YOU KNOW, WHILE I WAS
UNCONSCIOUS, I HAD THE
STRANGEST SENSATION.

UNCONSCIOUS, I HAD THE
STRANGEST SENSATION.
NOW, WHAT WAS THAT,

STRANGEST SENSATION.
NOW, WHAT WAS THAT,
MR. SADAT?

NOW, WHAT WAS THAT,
MR. SADAT?
IT FELT AS THOUGH TWO HANDS

MR. SADAT?
IT FELT AS THOUGH TWO HANDS
WERE FEELING UNDER MY SHIRT,

IT FELT AS THOUGH TWO HANDS
WERE FEELING UNDER MY SHIRT,
STROKING MY CHEST AND FONDLING

WERE FEELING UNDER MY SHIRT,
STROKING MY CHEST AND FONDLING
MY NIPPLES.

STROKING MY CHEST AND FONDLING
MY NIPPLES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY NIPPLES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[GENERAL AND WESTMAN LAUGH]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[GENERAL AND WESTMAN LAUGH]
♪ THEY SHRINK,

[GENERAL AND WESTMAN LAUGH]
♪ THEY SHRINK,
NOT FROM DANGER ♪

♪ THEY SHRINK,
NOT FROM DANGER ♪
♪ BUT OUT OF DUTY

NOT FROM DANGER ♪
♪ BUT OUT OF DUTY
TO THEIR PROFESSION ♪

♪ BUT OUT OF DUTY
TO THEIR PROFESSION ♪
♪ THEY COULDN'T MAKE MED SCHOOL,

TO THEIR PROFESSION ♪
♪ THEY COULDN'T MAKE MED SCHOOL,
BUT STILL, THEY CAN SERVE

♪ THEY COULDN'T MAKE MED SCHOOL,
BUT STILL, THEY CAN SERVE
THEIR COUNTRY ♪

BUT STILL, THEY CAN SERVE
THEIR COUNTRY ♪
♪ THEY'RE THE MICRO-DENTISTS ♪

THEIR COUNTRY ♪
♪ THEY'RE THE MICRO-DENTISTS ♪
♪ THE TEENY, TINY DENTISTS ♪

♪ THEY'RE THE MICRO-DENTISTS ♪
♪ THE TEENY, TINY DENTISTS ♪
♪ THE ITSY, BITSY

♪ THE TEENY, TINY DENTISTS ♪
♪ THE ITSY, BITSY
MICRO-DENTISTS ♪

♪ THE ITSY, BITSY
MICRO-DENTISTS ♪
♪ OH... ♪

MICRO-DENTISTS ♪
♪ OH... ♪
♪ OH... OH... OH... ♪

♪ OH... ♪
♪ OH... OH... OH... ♪
♪ OH... OH... OH... ♪

♪ OH... OH... OH... ♪
♪ OH... OH... OH... ♪
♪ MICRO-DENTISTS ♪

♪ OH... OH... OH... ♪
♪ MICRO-DENTISTS ♪
♪ WHERE'D THEY GO? ♪

♪ MICRO-DENTISTS ♪
♪ WHERE'D THEY GO? ♪
♪ THE MICRO-DENTISTS, UH-HUH. ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR
MICRO-DENTIST IS PROUD TO
PRESENT SAM AND DAVE!

MICRO-DENTIST IS PROUD TO
PRESENT SAM AND DAVE!
["YOU DON'T KNOW

PRESENT SAM AND DAVE!
["YOU DON'T KNOW
LIKE I KNOW" PLAYS]

["YOU DON'T KNOW
LIKE I KNOW" PLAYS]
[♪...]

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW
WHAT THAT WOMAN
HAS DONE FOR ME ♪

WHAT THAT WOMAN
HAS DONE FOR ME ♪
♪ IN THE MORNING,

HAS DONE FOR ME ♪
♪ IN THE MORNING,
SHE'S MY WATER ♪

♪ IN THE MORNING,
SHE'S MY WATER ♪
♪ IN THE EVENING,

SHE'S MY WATER ♪
♪ IN THE EVENING,
SHE'S MY CUP OF TEA ♪

♪ IN THE EVENING,
SHE'S MY CUP OF TEA ♪
♪ OH, OH, JUST AS LONG

SHE'S MY CUP OF TEA ♪
♪ OH, OH, JUST AS LONG
AS I LIVE,

♪ OH, OH, JUST AS LONG
AS I LIVE,
OH, WHEREVER TROUBLE LIES ♪

AS I LIVE,
OH, WHEREVER TROUBLE LIES ♪
♪ I GO TO HER,

OH, WHEREVER TROUBLE LIES ♪
♪ I GO TO HER,
LIKE A MIRACLE,

♪ I GO TO HER,
LIKE A MIRACLE,
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT ♪

LIKE A MIRACLE,
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ OH, NO ♪

EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ OH, NO ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW

♪ OH, NO ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW
WHAT THAT WOMAN

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW
WHAT THAT WOMAN
HAS DONE FOR ME ♪

WHAT THAT WOMAN
HAS DONE FOR ME ♪
♪ SHE BRINGS HER

HAS DONE FOR ME ♪
♪ SHE BRINGS HER
LOVIN' HOME NOW,

♪ SHE BRINGS HER
LOVIN' HOME NOW,
JUST THE WAY IT'S

LOVIN' HOME NOW,
JUST THE WAY IT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE ♪

JUST THE WAY IT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

SUPPOSED TO BE ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ WHAT SHE WANT, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ WHAT SHE WANT, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ SHE CAN GET,

♪ WHAT SHE WANT, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ SHE CAN GET,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ SHE CAN GET,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TENDER LOVING,

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TENDER LOVING,
EVERYBODY SAY ♪

♪ TENDER LOVING,
EVERYBODY SAY ♪
♪ TILL SHE'S READY,

EVERYBODY SAY ♪
♪ TILL SHE'S READY,
TILL SHE'S READY,

♪ TILL SHE'S READY,
TILL SHE'S READY,
TILL SHE'S READY TO QUIT, OH ♪

TILL SHE'S READY,
TILL SHE'S READY TO QUIT, OH ♪
[♪...]

♪ AND JUST AS LONG, OH,
AS I LIVE ♪
♪ OH, WHEREVER TROUBLE LIES ♪

AS I LIVE ♪
♪ OH, WHEREVER TROUBLE LIES ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪

♪ OH, WHEREVER TROUBLE LIES ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪
♪ I GO TO HER,

♪ NOW, NOW ♪
♪ I GO TO HER,
LIKE A MIRACLE,

♪ I GO TO HER,
LIKE A MIRACLE,
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT ♪

LIKE A MIRACLE,
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪

EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW

♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW
WHAT THAT WOMAN

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW
WHAT THAT WOMAN
HAS DONE FOR ME ♪

WHAT THAT WOMAN
HAS DONE FOR ME ♪
♪ IN THE MORNING,

HAS DONE FOR ME ♪
♪ IN THE MORNING,
SHE'S MY WATER ♪

♪ IN THE MORNING,
SHE'S MY WATER ♪
♪ IN THE EVENING,

SHE'S MY WATER ♪
♪ IN THE EVENING,
SHE'S MY CUP OF TEA ♪

♪ IN THE EVENING,
SHE'S MY CUP OF TEA ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

SHE'S MY CUP OF TEA ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS LIKE I KNOW ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS LIKE I KNOW ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS LIKE I KNOW ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ HE DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ HE DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ HE DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ MY BABY... ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ MY BABY... ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ MY BABY... ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪

♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ SOMEBODY ♪

♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ SOMEBODY ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪

♪ SOMEBODY ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪

♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪

♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪

♪ WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ OH ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪

♪ OH ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪

♪ WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ OH, I... ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ OH, I... ♪
♪ WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪

♪ OH, I... ♪
♪ WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪
[♪...]

♪ WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? ♪
[♪...]
♪ TELL ME ♪

[♪...]
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ TELL ME, OH ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ TELL ME, OH ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪

♪ TELL ME, OH ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ LOOK HERE ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ LOOK HERE ♪
♪ I WANT TO TELL YOU...

♪ LOOK HERE ♪
♪ I WANT TO TELL YOU...
DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ I WANT TO TELL YOU...
DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY, NOBODY KNOWS ♪

DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY, NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ SEE, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ NOBODY, NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ SEE, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ SOMEBODY HAVE TO TELL YOU ♪

♪ SEE, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ SOMEBODY HAVE TO TELL YOU ♪
♪ SAID, SHE DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ SOMEBODY HAVE TO TELL YOU ♪
♪ SAID, SHE DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ SAID, SHE DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ OH... ♪

♪ YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ OH... ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ OH... ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ OH... SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ OH... SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ OH... HEY, YEAH ♪

♪ OH... SOMEBODY TELL ME ♪
♪ OH... HEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH... OH ♪

♪ OH... HEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH... OH ♪
♪ SAY... WHOO! ♪

♪ OH... OH ♪
♪ SAY... WHOO! ♪
[♪...]

♪ SAY... WHOO! ♪
[♪...]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]

[♪...]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE...]
[MUSIC ENDS]

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE OUR ANCHORPERSONS, BILL

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE OUR ANCHORPERSONS, BILL
MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE OUR ANCHORPERSONS, BILL
MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,

MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING,
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN AN INCREDIBLE UPSET LAST

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN AN INCREDIBLE UPSET LAST
NIGHT, THE UNITED STATES OLYMPIC

IN AN INCREDIBLE UPSET LAST
NIGHT, THE UNITED STATES OLYMPIC
HOCKEY TEAM SCORED A 4-3 VICTORY

NIGHT, THE UNITED STATES OLYMPIC
HOCKEY TEAM SCORED A 4-3 VICTORY
OVER THE RUSSIANS.

HOCKEY TEAM SCORED A 4-3 VICTORY
OVER THE RUSSIANS.
IN ACCORDANCE... YEAH.

OVER THE RUSSIANS.
IN ACCORDANCE... YEAH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN ACCORDANCE... YEAH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IN ACCORDANCE WITH A PREVIOUSLY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IN ACCORDANCE WITH A PREVIOUSLY
SIGNED UNILATERAL AGREEMENT, THE

IN ACCORDANCE WITH A PREVIOUSLY
SIGNED UNILATERAL AGREEMENT, THE
SOVIET UNION WILL IMMEDIATELY

SIGNED UNILATERAL AGREEMENT, THE
SOVIET UNION WILL IMMEDIATELY
WITHDRAW ALL OF ITS HOCKEY

SOVIET UNION WILL IMMEDIATELY
WITHDRAW ALL OF ITS HOCKEY
PLAYERS FROM AFGHANISTAN.

WITHDRAW ALL OF ITS HOCKEY
PLAYERS FROM AFGHANISTAN.
MEANWHILE, THE MYSTERY

PLAYERS FROM AFGHANISTAN.
MEANWHILE, THE MYSTERY
SURROUNDING RANDY GARDNER AND

MEANWHILE, THE MYSTERY
SURROUNDING RANDY GARDNER AND
TAI BABILONIA'S WITHDRAWAL FROM

SURROUNDING RANDY GARDNER AND
TAI BABILONIA'S WITHDRAWAL FROM
THE OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATING

TAI BABILONIA'S WITHDRAWAL FROM
THE OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATING
COMPETITION MAY HAVE BEEN

THE OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATING
COMPETITION MAY HAVE BEEN
CLEARED UP.

COMPETITION MAY HAVE BEEN
CLEARED UP.
WORD HAS COME FROM

CLEARED UP.
WORD HAS COME FROM
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DEFECTORS THAT

WORD HAS COME FROM
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DEFECTORS THAT
THE SOVIETS HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW

CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DEFECTORS THAT
THE SOVIETS HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW
GUN WHICH CAN ADMINISTER A GROIN

THE SOVIETS HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW
GUN WHICH CAN ADMINISTER A GROIN
INJURY FROM 200 FEET AWAY.

GUN WHICH CAN ADMINISTER A GROIN
INJURY FROM 200 FEET AWAY.
FORTUNATELY, THE RAY CANNOT

INJURY FROM 200 FEET AWAY.
FORTUNATELY, THE RAY CANNOT
PENETRATE HOCKEY PADS

FORTUNATELY, THE RAY CANNOT
PENETRATE HOCKEY PADS
OR BALLET TIGHTS.

PENETRATE HOCKEY PADS
OR BALLET TIGHTS.
STEVE FORD, THE 23-YEAR-OLD SON

OR BALLET TIGHTS.
STEVE FORD, THE 23-YEAR-OLD SON
OF FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD,

STEVE FORD, THE 23-YEAR-OLD SON
OF FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD,
MAY HAVE FATHERED A CHILD OUT OF

OF FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD,
MAY HAVE FATHERED A CHILD OUT OF
WEDLOCK, ACCORDING TO A

MAY HAVE FATHERED A CHILD OUT OF
WEDLOCK, ACCORDING TO A
PATERNITY SUIT FILED IN ORANGE

WEDLOCK, ACCORDING TO A
PATERNITY SUIT FILED IN ORANGE
COUNTY, CALIFORNIA.

PATERNITY SUIT FILED IN ORANGE
COUNTY, CALIFORNIA.
THE MOTHER FIRST SUSPECTED THE

COUNTY, CALIFORNIA.
THE MOTHER FIRST SUSPECTED THE
RELATIONSHIP TO THE FORD FAMILY

THE MOTHER FIRST SUSPECTED THE
RELATIONSHIP TO THE FORD FAMILY
WHEN SHE DISCOVERED THAT THE

RELATIONSHIP TO THE FORD FAMILY
WHEN SHE DISCOVERED THAT THE
BABY COULDN'T CHEW GUM AND

WHEN SHE DISCOVERED THAT THE
BABY COULDN'T CHEW GUM AND
CRAWL AT THE SAME TIME. BILL?

BABY COULDN'T CHEW GUM AND
CRAWL AT THE SAME TIME. BILL?
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN RICHARD

CRAWL AT THE SAME TIME. BILL?
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN RICHARD
KELLY, WHO WAS FORCED TO RESIGN

FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN RICHARD
KELLY, WHO WAS FORCED TO RESIGN
FROM THE HOUSE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS

KELLY, WHO WAS FORCED TO RESIGN
FROM THE HOUSE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS
THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF HIS

FROM THE HOUSE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS
THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF HIS
INVOLVEMENT IN THE ABSCAM

THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF HIS
INVOLVEMENT IN THE ABSCAM
AFFAIR, HAD AN EXPLANATION FOR

INVOLVEMENT IN THE ABSCAM
AFFAIR, HAD AN EXPLANATION FOR
HIS COLLEAGUES.

AFFAIR, HAD AN EXPLANATION FOR
HIS COLLEAGUES.
ACCORDING TO KELLY, HE WAS ON

HIS COLLEAGUES.
ACCORDING TO KELLY, HE WAS ON
HIS WAY TO THE CAPITAL WITH

ACCORDING TO KELLY, HE WAS ON
HIS WAY TO THE CAPITAL WITH
EVIDENCE TO ESTABLISH HIS

HIS WAY TO THE CAPITAL WITH
EVIDENCE TO ESTABLISH HIS
INNOCENCE WHEN A HUGE DOG BROKE

EVIDENCE TO ESTABLISH HIS
INNOCENCE WHEN A HUGE DOG BROKE
FROM THE BUSHES, SEIZED HIS

INNOCENCE WHEN A HUGE DOG BROKE
FROM THE BUSHES, SEIZED HIS
BRIEFCASE AND RAN AWAY WITH IT.

FROM THE BUSHES, SEIZED HIS
BRIEFCASE AND RAN AWAY WITH IT.
JUST LAST WEEK, IF YOU RECALL,

BRIEFCASE AND RAN AWAY WITH IT.
JUST LAST WEEK, IF YOU RECALL,
CONGRESSMAN KELLY LOST THE

JUST LAST WEEK, IF YOU RECALL,
CONGRESSMAN KELLY LOST THE
LETTER PROVING HIS INNOCENCE

CONGRESSMAN KELLY LOST THE
LETTER PROVING HIS INNOCENCE
WHEN HIS BABY SISTER SPILLED HOT

LETTER PROVING HIS INNOCENCE
WHEN HIS BABY SISTER SPILLED HOT
CHOCOLATE ALL OVER IT.

WHEN HIS BABY SISTER SPILLED HOT
CHOCOLATE ALL OVER IT.
SINCE MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WILL

CHOCOLATE ALL OVER IT.
SINCE MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WILL
BE VOTING FOR THE FIRST TIME

SINCE MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WILL
BE VOTING FOR THE FIRST TIME
THIS YEAR, WE THOUGHT A BRIEF

BE VOTING FOR THE FIRST TIME
THIS YEAR, WE THOUGHT A BRIEF
PRIMER WOULD BE HELPFUL IN

THIS YEAR, WE THOUGHT A BRIEF
PRIMER WOULD BE HELPFUL IN
UNDERSTANDING THE

PRIMER WOULD BE HELPFUL IN
UNDERSTANDING THE
POLITICAL PARTIES.

UNDERSTANDING THE
POLITICAL PARTIES.
THIS WEEK, A LITTLE STORY ABOUT

POLITICAL PARTIES.
THIS WEEK, A LITTLE STORY ABOUT
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

THIS WEEK, A LITTLE STORY ABOUT
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
IMAGINE THAT SOME REPUBLICANS

THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
IMAGINE THAT SOME REPUBLICANS
WERE HOLDING A COCK FIGHT.

IMAGINE THAT SOME REPUBLICANS
WERE HOLDING A COCK FIGHT.
THE MODERATE REPUBLICAN IS THE

WERE HOLDING A COCK FIGHT.
THE MODERATE REPUBLICAN IS THE
ONE THAT BRINGS THE DUCK.

THE MODERATE REPUBLICAN IS THE
ONE THAT BRINGS THE DUCK.
THE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN IS

ONE THAT BRINGS THE DUCK.
THE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN IS
THE ONE THAT BETS ON THE DUCK

THE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN IS
THE ONE THAT BETS ON THE DUCK
AND THE SENILE, REACTIONARY

THE ONE THAT BETS ON THE DUCK
AND THE SENILE, REACTIONARY
REPUBLICAN IS THE ONE THAT TELLS

AND THE SENILE, REACTIONARY
REPUBLICAN IS THE ONE THAT TELLS
THE STORY ABOUT THE COCK FIGHT.

REPUBLICAN IS THE ONE THAT TELLS
THE STORY ABOUT THE COCK FIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

THE STORY ABOUT THE COCK FIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]
AND WITH THE CRUCIAL NEW

[APPLAUSE]
AND WITH THE CRUCIAL NEW
HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY JUST THREE

AND WITH THE CRUCIAL NEW
HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY JUST THREE
DAYS AWAY, THE REAGAN CAMPAIGN

HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY JUST THREE
DAYS AWAY, THE REAGAN CAMPAIGN
HAS BOUGHT A LAST-MINUTE BLITZ

DAYS AWAY, THE REAGAN CAMPAIGN
HAS BOUGHT A LAST-MINUTE BLITZ
OF TV ADS TO TRY TO TAKE THE

HAS BOUGHT A LAST-MINUTE BLITZ
OF TV ADS TO TRY TO TAKE THE
CURSE OFF THE CONTROVERSY.

OF TV ADS TO TRY TO TAKE THE
CURSE OFF THE CONTROVERSY.
HERE IS ONE OF THOSE ADS.

CURSE OFF THE CONTROVERSY.
HERE IS ONE OF THOSE ADS.
HELLO, I'M RONALD REAGAN, AND

HERE IS ONE OF THOSE ADS.
HELLO, I'M RONALD REAGAN, AND
BEFORE YOU GO TO THE POLLS IN

HELLO, I'M RONALD REAGAN, AND
BEFORE YOU GO TO THE POLLS IN
NEW HAMPSHIRE THIS TUESDAY,

BEFORE YOU GO TO THE POLLS IN
NEW HAMPSHIRE THIS TUESDAY,
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO

NEW HAMPSHIRE THIS TUESDAY,
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO
THINK ABOUT.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO
THINK ABOUT.
IT'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE KIND

THINK ABOUT.
IT'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE KIND
OF THING THAT I'VE BEEN OPPOSED

IT'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE KIND
OF THING THAT I'VE BEEN OPPOSED
TO AND DISAPPROVED OF THROUGHOUT

OF THING THAT I'VE BEEN OPPOSED
TO AND DISAPPROVED OF THROUGHOUT
MY POLITICAL CAREER.

TO AND DISAPPROVED OF THROUGHOUT
MY POLITICAL CAREER.
WHY CAN'T A MEXICAN-AMERICAN OWN

MY POLITICAL CAREER.
WHY CAN'T A MEXICAN-AMERICAN OWN
A CHECKING ACCOUNT

WHY CAN'T A MEXICAN-AMERICAN OWN
A CHECKING ACCOUNT
IN CALIFORNIA?

A CHECKING ACCOUNT
IN CALIFORNIA?
WELL, HE CAN'T WRITE HIS NAME

IN CALIFORNIA?
WELL, HE CAN'T WRITE HIS NAME
SMALL ENOUGH ON THE CHECK WITH

WELL, HE CAN'T WRITE HIS NAME
SMALL ENOUGH ON THE CHECK WITH
A SPRAY CAN.

SMALL ENOUGH ON THE CHECK WITH
A SPRAY CAN.
[LAUGHTER]

A SPRAY CAN.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU

[LAUGHTER]
BUT I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU
ABOUT WHAT'S LONG AND GREEN AND

BUT I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU
ABOUT WHAT'S LONG AND GREEN AND
HAS A CUMULATIVE I.Q. OF 65.

ABOUT WHAT'S LONG AND GREEN AND
HAS A CUMULATIVE I.Q. OF 65.
IT'S THE ST. PATRICK'S

HAS A CUMULATIVE I.Q. OF 65.
IT'S THE ST. PATRICK'S
DAY PARADE.

IT'S THE ST. PATRICK'S
DAY PARADE.
WELL, SEE YOU AT THE POLLS...

DAY PARADE.
WELL, SEE YOU AT THE POLLS...
OR I GUESS THAT SHOULD BE THE

WELL, SEE YOU AT THE POLLS...
OR I GUESS THAT SHOULD BE THE
VOTING BOOTH.

OR I GUESS THAT SHOULD BE THE
VOTING BOOTH.
BY THE WAY, REAGAN HAS ALSO

VOTING BOOTH.
BY THE WAY, REAGAN HAS ALSO
TAPED COMMERCIALS MAKING FUN OF

BY THE WAY, REAGAN HAS ALSO
TAPED COMMERCIALS MAKING FUN OF
GERMANS, GREEKS, BLACKS,

TAPED COMMERCIALS MAKING FUN OF
GERMANS, GREEKS, BLACKS,
ORIENTALS AND PEOPLE WITH

GERMANS, GREEKS, BLACKS,
ORIENTALS AND PEOPLE WITH
CERTAIN KINDS OF

ORIENTALS AND PEOPLE WITH
CERTAIN KINDS OF
BRAIN DISORDERS.

CERTAIN KINDS OF
BRAIN DISORDERS.
DAVID BERKOWITZ, ALSO KNOWN AS

BRAIN DISORDERS.
DAVID BERKOWITZ, ALSO KNOWN AS
THE SON OF SAM, THE 45-CALIBER

DAVID BERKOWITZ, ALSO KNOWN AS
THE SON OF SAM, THE 45-CALIBER
KILLER, SERVING A 315-YEAR TERM

THE SON OF SAM, THE 45-CALIBER
KILLER, SERVING A 315-YEAR TERM
IN ATTICA PRISON FOR SIX COUNTS

KILLER, SERVING A 315-YEAR TERM
IN ATTICA PRISON FOR SIX COUNTS
OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER, HAS

IN ATTICA PRISON FOR SIX COUNTS
OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER, HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS ENDORSING

OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER, HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS ENDORSING
JOHN CONNALLY BECAUSE HE WAS

ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS ENDORSING
JOHN CONNALLY BECAUSE HE WAS
SHOT IN A CAR.

JOHN CONNALLY BECAUSE HE WAS
SHOT IN A CAR.
JANE?

SHOT IN A CAR.
JANE?
WITH THE INFLATION RATE AT

JANE?
WITH THE INFLATION RATE AT
114%, THE ISRAELI CABINET

WITH THE INFLATION RATE AT
114%, THE ISRAELI CABINET
DECIDED YESTERDAY TO CHANGE THE

114%, THE ISRAELI CABINET
DECIDED YESTERDAY TO CHANGE THE
COUNTRY'S CURRENCY FROM THE

DECIDED YESTERDAY TO CHANGE THE
COUNTRY'S CURRENCY FROM THE
POUND TO THE SHEKEL, THE NAME

COUNTRY'S CURRENCY FROM THE
POUND TO THE SHEKEL, THE NAME
OF THE SILVER COIN USED BY THE

POUND TO THE SHEKEL, THE NAME
OF THE SILVER COIN USED BY THE
ANCIENT HEBREWS.

OF THE SILVER COIN USED BY THE
ANCIENT HEBREWS.
FURTHER MEASURES UPSET ISRAEL'S

ANCIENT HEBREWS.
FURTHER MEASURES UPSET ISRAEL'S
BANKS, WHICH WILL NOW BE

FURTHER MEASURES UPSET ISRAEL'S
BANKS, WHICH WILL NOW BE
REQUIRED TO STORE SHEEP AND

BANKS, WHICH WILL NOW BE
REQUIRED TO STORE SHEEP AND
SPICES IN THEIR VAULTS FOR

REQUIRED TO STORE SHEEP AND
SPICES IN THEIR VAULTS FOR
CORPORATE EXCHANGES.

SPICES IN THEIR VAULTS FOR
CORPORATE EXCHANGES.
MOST OF THE COUNTRY'S MARKETS

CORPORATE EXCHANGES.
MOST OF THE COUNTRY'S MARKETS
WILL ACCEPT A MAN'S DAUGHTER AS

MOST OF THE COUNTRY'S MARKETS
WILL ACCEPT A MAN'S DAUGHTER AS
BARTER FOR GROCERIES.

WILL ACCEPT A MAN'S DAUGHTER AS
BARTER FOR GROCERIES.
SPEAKING ON HIS CITY'S RISING

BARTER FOR GROCERIES.
SPEAKING ON HIS CITY'S RISING
CRIME RATE, COLUMBUS, OHIO MAYOR

SPEAKING ON HIS CITY'S RISING
CRIME RATE, COLUMBUS, OHIO MAYOR
TOM MOODY TOLD A KIWANIS CLUB

CRIME RATE, COLUMBUS, OHIO MAYOR
TOM MOODY TOLD A KIWANIS CLUB
AUDIENCE, QUOTE, "I UNDERSTAND

TOM MOODY TOLD A KIWANIS CLUB
AUDIENCE, QUOTE, "I UNDERSTAND
THE THIEF, I UNDERSTAND THE

AUDIENCE, QUOTE, "I UNDERSTAND
THE THIEF, I UNDERSTAND THE
BURGLAR, I EVEN UNDERSTAND THE

THE THIEF, I UNDERSTAND THE
BURGLAR, I EVEN UNDERSTAND THE
RAPIST, BUT WHAT SATISFACTION

BURGLAR, I EVEN UNDERSTAND THE
RAPIST, BUT WHAT SATISFACTION
YOU GET OUT OF LITTERING, I

RAPIST, BUT WHAT SATISFACTION
YOU GET OUT OF LITTERING, I
DON'T KNOW," END QUOTE.

YOU GET OUT OF LITTERING, I
DON'T KNOW," END QUOTE.
MAYOR MOODY REPORTEDLY ADDED OFF

DON'T KNOW," END QUOTE.
MAYOR MOODY REPORTEDLY ADDED OFF
THE RECORD, "WHEN I ROB OR RAPE,

MAYOR MOODY REPORTEDLY ADDED OFF
THE RECORD, "WHEN I ROB OR RAPE,
I ALWAYS CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF."

THE RECORD, "WHEN I ROB OR RAPE,
I ALWAYS CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF."
IN LESS THAN A GENERATION, THE

I ALWAYS CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF."
IN LESS THAN A GENERATION, THE
NUMBER OF TEENAGERS WHO HAVE HAD

IN LESS THAN A GENERATION, THE
NUMBER OF TEENAGERS WHO HAVE HAD
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE BY AGE 16 HAS

NUMBER OF TEENAGERS WHO HAVE HAD
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE BY AGE 16 HAS
INCREASED EIGHTFOLD.

SEXUAL INTERCOURSE BY AGE 16 HAS
INCREASED EIGHTFOLD.
ACCORDING TO THE CURRENT

INCREASED EIGHTFOLD.
ACCORDING TO THE CURRENT
LADIES HOME JOURNAL,

ACCORDING TO THE CURRENT
LADIES HOME JOURNAL,
SEXUALLY OBLIGATED YOUTH

LADIES HOME JOURNAL,
SEXUALLY OBLIGATED YOUTH
FACE STRONG PEER PRESSURE

SEXUALLY OBLIGATED YOUTH
FACE STRONG PEER PRESSURE
TO LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY.

FACE STRONG PEER PRESSURE
TO LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY.
BILL, HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU

TO LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY.
BILL, HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU
LOST YOURS?

BILL, HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU
LOST YOURS?
I WAS NINE.

LOST YOURS?
I WAS NINE.
[LAUGHTER]

I WAS NINE.
[LAUGHTER]
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, HOW

[LAUGHTER]
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, HOW
OLD WAS YOUR PARTNER?

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, HOW
OLD WAS YOUR PARTNER?
OH, I DIDN'T USE A PARTNER

OLD WAS YOUR PARTNER?
OH, I DIDN'T USE A PARTNER
TILL I WAS 13.

OH, I DIDN'T USE A PARTNER
TILL I WAS 13.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TILL I WAS 13.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DETROIT...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DETROIT...
DETROIT CITY OFFICIALS ARE

DETROIT...
DETROIT CITY OFFICIALS ARE
INVESTIGATING REPORTS THAT

DETROIT CITY OFFICIALS ARE
INVESTIGATING REPORTS THAT
THE... [LAUGHTER]

INVESTIGATING REPORTS THAT
THE... [LAUGHTER]
POLICE DEPARTMENT THERE HAS BEEN

THE... [LAUGHTER]
POLICE DEPARTMENT THERE HAS BEEN
USING ELECTRIC CATTLE PRODS

POLICE DEPARTMENT THERE HAS BEEN
USING ELECTRIC CATTLE PRODS
TO ILLICIT CONFESSIONS

USING ELECTRIC CATTLE PRODS
TO ILLICIT CONFESSIONS
FROM SUSPECTS.

TO ILLICIT CONFESSIONS
FROM SUSPECTS.
THE INQUIRY HAS FOUND THAT

FROM SUSPECTS.
THE INQUIRY HAS FOUND THAT
THROUGH THESE ILLEGAL METHODS,

THE INQUIRY HAS FOUND THAT
THROUGH THESE ILLEGAL METHODS,
FIVE APPARENTLY INNOCENT COWS

THROUGH THESE ILLEGAL METHODS,
FIVE APPARENTLY INNOCENT COWS
WERE FORCED TO CONFESS TO CRIMES

FIVE APPARENTLY INNOCENT COWS
WERE FORCED TO CONFESS TO CRIMES
THEY DID NOT COMMIT.

WERE FORCED TO CONFESS TO CRIMES
THEY DID NOT COMMIT.
AND THIS WEEK, REPUBLICAN

THEY DID NOT COMMIT.
AND THIS WEEK, REPUBLICAN
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN B.

AND THIS WEEK, REPUBLICAN
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN B.
ANDERSON HAD YET ANOTHER

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN B.
ANDERSON HAD YET ANOTHER
NEWSPAPER ARTICLE WRITTEN ABOUT

ANDERSON HAD YET ANOTHER
NEWSPAPER ARTICLE WRITTEN ABOUT
HIM DESCRIBING HIS INABILITY TO

NEWSPAPER ARTICLE WRITTEN ABOUT
HIM DESCRIBING HIS INABILITY TO
GET ANY PRESS COVERAGE.

HIM DESCRIBING HIS INABILITY TO
GET ANY PRESS COVERAGE.
THIS BRINGS THE TOTAL NUMBER OF

GET ANY PRESS COVERAGE.
THIS BRINGS THE TOTAL NUMBER OF
NEWS ARTICLES ABOUT JOHN

THIS BRINGS THE TOTAL NUMBER OF
NEWS ARTICLES ABOUT JOHN
ANDERSON UP TO 7 MILLION, 10

NEWS ARTICLES ABOUT JOHN
ANDERSON UP TO 7 MILLION, 10
TIMES THE NUMBER THAT HAVE BEEN

ANDERSON UP TO 7 MILLION, 10
TIMES THE NUMBER THAT HAVE BEEN
WRITTEN ABOUT ALL THE OTHER

TIMES THE NUMBER THAT HAVE BEEN
WRITTEN ABOUT ALL THE OTHER
CANDIDATES PUT TOGETHER.

WRITTEN ABOUT ALL THE OTHER
CANDIDATES PUT TOGETHER.
AND SUPREME COURT WAS IN SESSION

CANDIDATES PUT TOGETHER.
AND SUPREME COURT WAS IN SESSION
AGAIN THIS WEEK, AND IN A MOVE

AND SUPREME COURT WAS IN SESSION
AGAIN THIS WEEK, AND IN A MOVE
LIKELY TO OFFEND "RIGHT TO LIFE"

AGAIN THIS WEEK, AND IN A MOVE
LIKELY TO OFFEND "RIGHT TO LIFE"
GROUPS, DECLARED

LIKELY TO OFFEND "RIGHT TO LIFE"
GROUPS, DECLARED
ABORTION MANDATORY.

GROUPS, DECLARED
ABORTION MANDATORY.
WOW, MANDATORY ABORTION.

ABORTION MANDATORY.
WOW, MANDATORY ABORTION.
GONNA BE SOME FLAK ABOUT THAT,

WOW, MANDATORY ABORTION.
GONNA BE SOME FLAK ABOUT THAT,
HUH, JANE?

GONNA BE SOME FLAK ABOUT THAT,
HUH, JANE?
WELL, IT'S, IT'S BEEN A WHOLE

HUH, JANE?
WELL, IT'S, IT'S BEEN A WHOLE
WEEK SINCE I LAST BEGGED WALTER

WELL, IT'S, IT'S BEEN A WHOLE
WEEK SINCE I LAST BEGGED WALTER
CRONKITE NOT TO RETIRE, AND I

WEEK SINCE I LAST BEGGED WALTER
CRONKITE NOT TO RETIRE, AND I
HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD FROM HIM

CRONKITE NOT TO RETIRE, AND I
HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD FROM HIM
BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP.

HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD FROM HIM
BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP.
WALTER, IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF

BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP.
WALTER, IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF
DECENCY, COMPASSION OR

WALTER, IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF
DECENCY, COMPASSION OR
RESPONSIBILITY TO ME AND MY

DECENCY, COMPASSION OR
RESPONSIBILITY TO ME AND MY
FEELINGS, YOU'LL RECONSIDER.

RESPONSIBILITY TO ME AND MY
FEELINGS, YOU'LL RECONSIDER.
I JUST CAN'T FACE A LIFETIME OF

FEELINGS, YOU'LL RECONSIDER.
I JUST CAN'T FACE A LIFETIME OF
NIGHTLY NEWS WITH DAN RATHER.

I JUST CAN'T FACE A LIFETIME OF
NIGHTLY NEWS WITH DAN RATHER.
BRACE YOURSELF, MR. C., I'M

NIGHTLY NEWS WITH DAN RATHER.
BRACE YOURSELF, MR. C., I'M
GOING TO KEEP AFTER YOU.

BRACE YOURSELF, MR. C., I'M
GOING TO KEEP AFTER YOU.
[CHUCKLES]

GOING TO KEEP AFTER YOU.
[CHUCKLES]
AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT THE DRAFT

[CHUCKLES]
AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT THE DRAFT
IS "WEEKEND UPDATE" SOCIAL

AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT THE DRAFT
IS "WEEKEND UPDATE" SOCIAL
SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN. AL?

IS "WEEKEND UPDATE" SOCIAL
SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN. AL?
THANKS.

SCIENCES EDITOR, AL FRANKEN. AL?
THANKS.
[APPLAUSE]

THANKS.
[APPLAUSE]
THANKS, JANE.

[APPLAUSE]
THANKS, JANE.
WHEN PRESIDENT CARTER ASKED

THANKS, JANE.
WHEN PRESIDENT CARTER ASKED
CONGRESS TO REINSTATE

WHEN PRESIDENT CARTER ASKED
CONGRESS TO REINSTATE
REGISTRATION FOR THE DRAFT, I

CONGRESS TO REINSTATE
REGISTRATION FOR THE DRAFT, I
KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE

REGISTRATION FOR THE DRAFT, I
KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE
THOUGHT TO YOURSELVES, I WONDER

KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE
THOUGHT TO YOURSELVES, I WONDER
HOW THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT

THOUGHT TO YOURSELVES, I WONDER
HOW THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT
AL FRANKEN?

HOW THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT
AL FRANKEN?
WELL, SINCE REGISTRATION FOR MEN

AL FRANKEN?
WELL, SINCE REGISTRATION FOR MEN
INVOLVES ONLY 18-TO

WELL, SINCE REGISTRATION FOR MEN
INVOLVES ONLY 18-TO
26-YEAR-OLDS, I WON'T BE

INVOLVES ONLY 18-TO
26-YEAR-OLDS, I WON'T BE
DIRECTLY AFFECTED.

26-YEAR-OLDS, I WON'T BE
DIRECTLY AFFECTED.
FORTUNATELY, I'M 28, AND THAT'S

DIRECTLY AFFECTED.
FORTUNATELY, I'M 28, AND THAT'S
WHY I, AL FRANKEN, SUPPORT NOT

FORTUNATELY, I'M 28, AND THAT'S
WHY I, AL FRANKEN, SUPPORT NOT
ONLY REGISTRATION, BUT THE

WHY I, AL FRANKEN, SUPPORT NOT
ONLY REGISTRATION, BUT THE
DRAFT ITSELF.

ONLY REGISTRATION, BUT THE
DRAFT ITSELF.
OH, I USED TO BE AGAINST THE

DRAFT ITSELF.
OH, I USED TO BE AGAINST THE
DRAFT, BUT THAT WAS A FEW YEARS

OH, I USED TO BE AGAINST THE
DRAFT, BUT THAT WAS A FEW YEARS
AGO WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND NAIVE.

DRAFT, BUT THAT WAS A FEW YEARS
AGO WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND NAIVE.
AND I THINK IT TAKES A BIG MAN

AGO WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND NAIVE.
AND I THINK IT TAKES A BIG MAN
TO ADMIT THAT HE WAS WRONG.

AND I THINK IT TAKES A BIG MAN
TO ADMIT THAT HE WAS WRONG.
YOU SEE, NOW I REALIZE WHAT A

TO ADMIT THAT HE WAS WRONG.
YOU SEE, NOW I REALIZE WHAT A
THREAT THE SOVIETS ARE TO ME, AL

YOU SEE, NOW I REALIZE WHAT A
THREAT THE SOVIETS ARE TO ME, AL
FRANKEN, AND TO MY WAY OF LIFE.

THREAT THE SOVIETS ARE TO ME, AL
FRANKEN, AND TO MY WAY OF LIFE.
YOU SEE, I'M DOING SO WELL AS A

FRANKEN, AND TO MY WAY OF LIFE.
YOU SEE, I'M DOING SO WELL AS A
TELEVISION STAR, ESPECIALLY

YOU SEE, I'M DOING SO WELL AS A
TELEVISION STAR, ESPECIALLY
SINCE I THOUGHT OF THIS "AL

TELEVISION STAR, ESPECIALLY
SINCE I THOUGHT OF THIS "AL
FRANKEN DECADE" THING THAT

SINCE I THOUGHT OF THIS "AL
FRANKEN DECADE" THING THAT
I REALLY AM BECOMING

FRANKEN DECADE" THING THAT
I REALLY AM BECOMING
A STRONG BELIEVER IN

I REALLY AM BECOMING
A STRONG BELIEVER IN
LAISSEZ FAIRE CAPITALISM.

A STRONG BELIEVER IN
LAISSEZ FAIRE CAPITALISM.
I THINK IT'S REALLY TRUE THAT

LAISSEZ FAIRE CAPITALISM.
I THINK IT'S REALLY TRUE THAT
SELFISHNESS IS THE BEST

I THINK IT'S REALLY TRUE THAT
SELFISHNESS IS THE BEST
MOTIVATOR, AND I THINK THAT

SELFISHNESS IS THE BEST
MOTIVATOR, AND I THINK THAT
PEOPLE LIKE ME, AL FRANKEN, WHO

MOTIVATOR, AND I THINK THAT
PEOPLE LIKE ME, AL FRANKEN, WHO
SUCCEED AND MAKE A LOT OF MONEY,

PEOPLE LIKE ME, AL FRANKEN, WHO
SUCCEED AND MAKE A LOT OF MONEY,
WELL, WE'RE REALLY THE BRIGHTEST

SUCCEED AND MAKE A LOT OF MONEY,
WELL, WE'RE REALLY THE BRIGHTEST
PEOPLE AND THE MOST TALENTED

WELL, WE'RE REALLY THE BRIGHTEST
PEOPLE AND THE MOST TALENTED
PEOPLE AND WE DESERVE TO LIVE

PEOPLE AND THE MOST TALENTED
PEOPLE AND WE DESERVE TO LIVE
BETTER THAN THOSE OF YOU WHO

PEOPLE AND WE DESERVE TO LIVE
BETTER THAN THOSE OF YOU WHO
LAG BEHIND.

BETTER THAN THOSE OF YOU WHO
LAG BEHIND.
BUT THE RUSSIANS DON'T BELIEVE

LAG BEHIND.
BUT THE RUSSIANS DON'T BELIEVE
THIS, AND IF THEY TAKE OVER THE

BUT THE RUSSIANS DON'T BELIEVE
THIS, AND IF THEY TAKE OVER THE
WORLD, THE VERY KIND OF PERSON

THIS, AND IF THEY TAKE OVER THE
WORLD, THE VERY KIND OF PERSON
THEY'LL COME AFTER IS ME,

WORLD, THE VERY KIND OF PERSON
THEY'LL COME AFTER IS ME,
AL FRANKEN.

THEY'LL COME AFTER IS ME,
AL FRANKEN.
OH, I WOULDN'T BE A DISSIDENT.

AL FRANKEN.
OH, I WOULDN'T BE A DISSIDENT.
I'D COOPERATE, BUT I STILL

OH, I WOULDN'T BE A DISSIDENT.
I'D COOPERATE, BUT I STILL
WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO LIVE

I'D COOPERATE, BUT I STILL
WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO LIVE
IN THE STYLE I'M GROWING

WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO LIVE
IN THE STYLE I'M GROWING
ACCUSTOMED TO SO FAR IN THE AL

IN THE STYLE I'M GROWING
ACCUSTOMED TO SO FAR IN THE AL
FRANKEN DECADE.

ACCUSTOMED TO SO FAR IN THE AL
FRANKEN DECADE.
SO IF YOU'RE 18 TO 26 AND YOU'RE

FRANKEN DECADE.
SO IF YOU'RE 18 TO 26 AND YOU'RE
WONDERING WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR

SO IF YOU'RE 18 TO 26 AND YOU'RE
WONDERING WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR
ME, AL FRANKEN, SUPPORT

WONDERING WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR
ME, AL FRANKEN, SUPPORT
REGISTRATION OR, BETTER YET,

ME, AL FRANKEN, SUPPORT
REGISTRATION OR, BETTER YET,
VOLUNTEER, AND IF YOU'RE UNLUCKY

REGISTRATION OR, BETTER YET,
VOLUNTEER, AND IF YOU'RE UNLUCKY
AND YOU GET INTO ACTION, WELL,

VOLUNTEER, AND IF YOU'RE UNLUCKY
AND YOU GET INTO ACTION, WELL,
JUST REMEMBER, YOU'LL BE

AND YOU GET INTO ACTION, WELL,
JUST REMEMBER, YOU'LL BE
FIGHTING FOR ME, AL FRANKEN.

JUST REMEMBER, YOU'LL BE
FIGHTING FOR ME, AL FRANKEN.
THANKS A LOT.

FIGHTING FOR ME, AL FRANKEN.
THANKS A LOT.
[APPLAUSE]

THANKS A LOT.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE
A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AMEN.
All: AMEN.
THANK YOU, RABBI TEPLITZ.

All: AMEN.
THANK YOU, RABBI TEPLITZ.
AND NOW THAT THE TRADITIONAL

THANK YOU, RABBI TEPLITZ.
AND NOW THAT THE TRADITIONAL
CANDLE LIGHTING IS OVER, I'M

AND NOW THAT THE TRADITIONAL
CANDLE LIGHTING IS OVER, I'M
SURE THAT THE BAR MITZVAH BOY,

CANDLE LIGHTING IS OVER, I'M
SURE THAT THE BAR MITZVAH BOY,
GREG LIEBERMAN, FEELS THE

SURE THAT THE BAR MITZVAH BOY,
GREG LIEBERMAN, FEELS THE
IMPORTANCE OF TODAY FOR...

GREG LIEBERMAN, FEELS THE
IMPORTANCE OF TODAY FOR...
[SPEAKING HEBREW] HE SHALL

IMPORTANCE OF TODAY FOR...
[SPEAKING HEBREW] HE SHALL
ALSO ENJOY.

[SPEAKING HEBREW] HE SHALL
ALSO ENJOY.
WE ARE ALL VERY HAPPY HERE AT

ALSO ENJOY.
WE ARE ALL VERY HAPPY HERE AT
BETH SHALOM, ESPECIALLY FOR THE

WE ARE ALL VERY HAPPY HERE AT
BETH SHALOM, ESPECIALLY FOR THE
FATHER AND MOTHER OF THE BAR

BETH SHALOM, ESPECIALLY FOR THE
FATHER AND MOTHER OF THE BAR
MITZVAH BOY, WHO SHOULD SHEP

FATHER AND MOTHER OF THE BAR
MITZVAH BOY, WHO SHOULD SHEP
NACHAS AND FEEL PROUD UP THERE,

MITZVAH BOY, WHO SHOULD SHEP
NACHAS AND FEEL PROUD UP THERE,
HARRY AND SELMA LIEBERMAN.

NACHAS AND FEEL PROUD UP THERE,
HARRY AND SELMA LIEBERMAN.
WE ALL SALUTE YOU.

HARRY AND SELMA LIEBERMAN.
WE ALL SALUTE YOU.
MAY YOU HAVE THE GOOD FORTUNE TO

WE ALL SALUTE YOU.
MAY YOU HAVE THE GOOD FORTUNE TO
BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY SO THAT YOU

MAY YOU HAVE THE GOOD FORTUNE TO
BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY SO THAT YOU
MAY DANCE AT HIS WEDDING AND AT

BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY SO THAT YOU
MAY DANCE AT HIS WEDDING AND AT
HIS SON'S BAR MITZVAH AND HIS

MAY DANCE AT HIS WEDDING AND AT
HIS SON'S BAR MITZVAH AND HIS
SON'S BAR MITZVAH AND HIS SON'S

HIS SON'S BAR MITZVAH AND HIS
SON'S BAR MITZVAH AND HIS SON'S
BAR MITZVAH AND SO ON

SON'S BAR MITZVAH AND HIS SON'S
BAR MITZVAH AND SO ON
AND SO FORTH.

BAR MITZVAH AND SO ON
AND SO FORTH.
AND NOW, HERE TO MAKE THE HARECH

AND SO FORTH.
AND NOW, HERE TO MAKE THE HARECH
AMEN, OR SPECIAL TOAST AND

AND NOW, HERE TO MAKE THE HARECH
AMEN, OR SPECIAL TOAST AND
BLESSING, WOULD YOU PLEASE

AMEN, OR SPECIAL TOAST AND
BLESSING, WOULD YOU PLEASE
WELCOME THE BAR MITZVAH BOY'S

BLESSING, WOULD YOU PLEASE
WELCOME THE BAR MITZVAH BOY'S
FATHER, HARRY LIEBERMAN.

WELCOME THE BAR MITZVAH BOY'S
FATHER, HARRY LIEBERMAN.
HARRY LIEBERMAN.

FATHER, HARRY LIEBERMAN.
HARRY LIEBERMAN.
[APPLAUSE]

HARRY LIEBERMAN.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
GREG... MY OLDEST BOY,

THANK YOU.
GREG... MY OLDEST BOY,
THE HEIR TO

GREG... MY OLDEST BOY,
THE HEIR TO
THE LIEBERMAN FORTUNE.

THE HEIR TO
THE LIEBERMAN FORTUNE.
YOUR MOTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR

THE LIEBERMAN FORTUNE.
YOUR MOTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR
BROTHER JEFFREY AND YOUR T'ANTE

YOUR MOTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR
BROTHER JEFFREY AND YOUR T'ANTE
WILDE, WE'RE ALL BRIMMING

BROTHER JEFFREY AND YOUR T'ANTE
WILDE, WE'RE ALL BRIMMING
WITH PRIDE ON THIS

WILDE, WE'RE ALL BRIMMING
WITH PRIDE ON THIS
MEANINGFUL OCCASION.

WITH PRIDE ON THIS
MEANINGFUL OCCASION.
THE ONLY WISH... THE ONLY WISH

MEANINGFUL OCCASION.
THE ONLY WISH... THE ONLY WISH
YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE FOR YOU

THE ONLY WISH... THE ONLY WISH
YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE FOR YOU
IS BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND DON'T

YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE FOR YOU
IS BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND DON'T
FORGET... [SPEAKING HEBREW]

IS BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND DON'T
FORGET... [SPEAKING HEBREW]
CARRY ON THE TRADITIONS OF OUR

FORGET... [SPEAKING HEBREW]
CARRY ON THE TRADITIONS OF OUR
PEOPLE, FOR TODAY, MY SON IS

CARRY ON THE TRADITIONS OF OUR
PEOPLE, FOR TODAY, MY SON IS
A MAN... L'CHAIM!

PEOPLE, FOR TODAY, MY SON IS
A MAN... L'CHAIM!
All: L'CHAIM!

A MAN... L'CHAIM!
All: L'CHAIM!
MAZEL TOV, L'CHAIM!

All: L'CHAIM!
MAZEL TOV, L'CHAIM!
L'CHAIM... L'CHAIM, AND NOW,

MAZEL TOV, L'CHAIM!
L'CHAIM... L'CHAIM, AND NOW,
WE SHALL CELEBRATE FOR...

L'CHAIM... L'CHAIM, AND NOW,
WE SHALL CELEBRATE FOR...
[SPEAKING HEBREW]

WE SHALL CELEBRATE FOR...
[SPEAKING HEBREW]
WE SHALL ALSO CELEBRATE, AND

[SPEAKING HEBREW]
WE SHALL ALSO CELEBRATE, AND
WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME ON THIS

WE SHALL ALSO CELEBRATE, AND
WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME ON THIS
FESTIVE OCCASION, AND...

WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME ON THIS
FESTIVE OCCASION, AND...
[SPEAKING HEBREW]

FESTIVE OCCASION, AND...
[SPEAKING HEBREW]
WELCOME AS ONE OF OUR OWN,

[SPEAKING HEBREW]
WELCOME AS ONE OF OUR OWN,
MR. NICK COLLINS.

WELCOME AS ONE OF OUR OWN,
MR. NICK COLLINS.
[PIANO PLAYS, APPLAUSE]

MR. NICK COLLINS.
[PIANO PLAYS, APPLAUSE]
OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

[PIANO PLAYS, APPLAUSE]
OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY... PRESIDENT ZAGAR, IF YOU

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY... PRESIDENT ZAGAR, IF YOU
GUYS EVER LOSE MOISHE DAYAN,

HEY... PRESIDENT ZAGAR, IF YOU
GUYS EVER LOSE MOISHE DAYAN,
ZAGAR HERE COULD STEP IN

GUYS EVER LOSE MOISHE DAYAN,
ZAGAR HERE COULD STEP IN
IN A MINUTE.

ZAGAR HERE COULD STEP IN
IN A MINUTE.
HE'S THE GREATEST.

IN A MINUTE.
HE'S THE GREATEST.
OH, BOY, WHAT A NIGHT.

HE'S THE GREATEST.
OH, BOY, WHAT A NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]

OH, BOY, WHAT A NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
WE'RE TO CELEBRATE A BAR

[LAUGHTER]
WE'RE TO CELEBRATE A BAR
MITZVAH, THE ELEVATION OF A BOY

WE'RE TO CELEBRATE A BAR
MITZVAH, THE ELEVATION OF A BOY
TO MANHOOD, RIGHT?

MITZVAH, THE ELEVATION OF A BOY
TO MANHOOD, RIGHT?
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WE'RE HERE

TO MANHOOD, RIGHT?
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WE'RE HERE
TO FIND OUT JUST WHAT KIND OF

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WE'RE HERE
TO FIND OUT JUST WHAT KIND OF
PARTY HARRY LIEBERMAN

TO FIND OUT JUST WHAT KIND OF
PARTY HARRY LIEBERMAN
CAN THROW, HUH?

PARTY HARRY LIEBERMAN
CAN THROW, HUH?
[CHEERING]

CAN THROW, HUH?
[CHEERING]
SAY, THAT...

[CHEERING]
SAY, THAT...
I'VE BEEN DRINKING ON THIS OLD

SAY, THAT...
I'VE BEEN DRINKING ON THIS OLD
MAN EVEN WHILE YOU WERE ALL IN

I'VE BEEN DRINKING ON THIS OLD
MAN EVEN WHILE YOU WERE ALL IN
THERE, WAVING YOUR ARMS

MAN EVEN WHILE YOU WERE ALL IN
THERE, WAVING YOUR ARMS
AND SO FORTH.

THERE, WAVING YOUR ARMS
AND SO FORTH.
AND, UH, THIS IS GOOD STUFF.

AND SO FORTH.
AND, UH, THIS IS GOOD STUFF.
THIS IS NOT WELL WHISKEY.

AND, UH, THIS IS GOOD STUFF.
THIS IS NOT WELL WHISKEY.
THIS IS CUTTY.

THIS IS NOT WELL WHISKEY.
THIS IS CUTTY.
MMM... GREG, COME HERE.

THIS IS CUTTY.
MMM... GREG, COME HERE.
COME HERE.

MMM... GREG, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING]

COME HERE.
[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING]
YOU'RE A MAN NOW.

[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING]
YOU'RE A MAN NOW.
GO GET ME ANOTHER ONE OF THESE,

YOU'RE A MAN NOW.
GO GET ME ANOTHER ONE OF THESE,
WILL YOU?

GO GET ME ANOTHER ONE OF THESE,
WILL YOU?
THAT'S MY BOY, THAT'S MY MAN.

WILL YOU?
THAT'S MY BOY, THAT'S MY MAN.
I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING WORKED

THAT'S MY BOY, THAT'S MY MAN.
I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING WORKED
UP JUST FOR YOU TWO,

I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING WORKED
UP JUST FOR YOU TWO,
HARRY AND SELMA.

UP JUST FOR YOU TWO,
HARRY AND SELMA.
PAUL, COULD YOU?

HARRY AND SELMA.
PAUL, COULD YOU?
♪ OH, L-I-E-B-E-R-M-A-N

PAUL, COULD YOU?
♪ OH, L-I-E-B-E-R-M-A-N
SPELLS LIEBERMAN ♪

♪ OH, L-I-E-B-E-R-M-A-N
SPELLS LIEBERMAN ♪
♪ PROUD OF ALL THE YIDDISH BLOOD

SPELLS LIEBERMAN ♪
♪ PROUD OF ALL THE YIDDISH BLOOD
THAT'S IN YOU ♪

♪ PROUD OF ALL THE YIDDISH BLOOD
THAT'S IN YOU ♪
♪ NOT EVEN THE ARABS WOULD SAY

THAT'S IN YOU ♪
♪ NOT EVEN THE ARABS WOULD SAY
A WORD AGAINST YOU ♪

♪ NOT EVEN THE ARABS WOULD SAY
A WORD AGAINST YOU ♪
♪ OH, L-I-E-B-E-R-M-A-N,

A WORD AGAINST YOU ♪
♪ OH, L-I-E-B-E-R-M-A-N,
YOU SEE ♪

♪ OH, L-I-E-B-E-R-M-A-N,
YOU SEE ♪
♪ IS A NAME THAT INSANE,

YOU SEE ♪
♪ IS A NAME THAT INSANE,
NEVER HAS BEEN CONNECTED WITH

♪ IS A NAME THAT INSANE,
NEVER HAS BEEN CONNECTED WITH
LIEBERMAN, THAT'S YOU TOO ♪

NEVER HAS BEEN CONNECTED WITH
LIEBERMAN, THAT'S YOU TOO ♪
[APPLAUSE]

LIEBERMAN, THAT'S YOU TOO ♪
[APPLAUSE]
AH, THAT'S GOOD.

[APPLAUSE]
AH, THAT'S GOOD.
BLESS YOU, THAT'S MY MAN.

AH, THAT'S GOOD.
BLESS YOU, THAT'S MY MAN.
THAT'S MY MAN.

BLESS YOU, THAT'S MY MAN.
THAT'S MY MAN.
HARRY, ONE QUESTION: HOW MUCH?

THAT'S MY MAN.
HARRY, ONE QUESTION: HOW MUCH?
AHH!

HARRY, ONE QUESTION: HOW MUCH?
AHH!
THIS ISN'T JUST CHICKEN,

AHH!
THIS ISN'T JUST CHICKEN,
YOU KNOW.

THIS ISN'T JUST CHICKEN,
YOU KNOW.
THIS IS VEGETABLE, THERE'S A

YOU KNOW.
THIS IS VEGETABLE, THERE'S A
COUPLE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MEATS,

THIS IS VEGETABLE, THERE'S A
COUPLE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MEATS,
STRAIGHT BEEF, STRING BEANS,

COUPLE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MEATS,
STRAIGHT BEEF, STRING BEANS,
ALMANDINE... YOU WENT

STRAIGHT BEEF, STRING BEANS,
ALMANDINE... YOU WENT
ALL OUT, MAN.

ALMANDINE... YOU WENT
ALL OUT, MAN.
I KNOW IT COST YOU

ALL OUT, MAN.
I KNOW IT COST YOU
A LOT OF MONEY.

I KNOW IT COST YOU
A LOT OF MONEY.
I GOTTA SEE SOMETHING.

A LOT OF MONEY.
I GOTTA SEE SOMETHING.
PAUL, "ECCLESIASTES," PLEASE.

I GOTTA SEE SOMETHING.
PAUL, "ECCLESIASTES," PLEASE.
YOU KNOW, YOU SAY, "OH, IT

PAUL, "ECCLESIASTES," PLEASE.
YOU KNOW, YOU SAY, "OH, IT
DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING."

YOU KNOW, YOU SAY, "OH, IT
DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING."
YOU'RE A LIAR, HARRY, BECAUSE

DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING."
YOU'RE A LIAR, HARRY, BECAUSE
YOU PEOPLE WERE TOLD IN THE GOOD

YOU'RE A LIAR, HARRY, BECAUSE
YOU PEOPLE WERE TOLD IN THE GOOD
BOOK THAT YOU GOTTA DO THIS

YOU PEOPLE WERE TOLD IN THE GOOD
BOOK THAT YOU GOTTA DO THIS
AND YOU DO IT AND I THINK

BOOK THAT YOU GOTTA DO THIS
AND YOU DO IT AND I THINK
IT'S GREAT.

AND YOU DO IT AND I THINK
IT'S GREAT.
♪ TO EVERYTHING,

IT'S GREAT.
♪ TO EVERYTHING,
TURN, TURN, TURN ♪

♪ TO EVERYTHING,
TURN, TURN, TURN ♪
♪ THERE IS A SEASON,

TURN, TURN, TURN ♪
♪ THERE IS A SEASON,
TURN, TURN, TURN ♪

♪ THERE IS A SEASON,
TURN, TURN, TURN ♪
♪ AND A TIME TO EVERY PURPOSE

TURN, TURN, TURN ♪
♪ AND A TIME TO EVERY PURPOSE
UNDERNEATH HEAVEN... ♪

♪ AND A TIME TO EVERY PURPOSE
UNDERNEATH HEAVEN... ♪
[APPLAUSE]

UNDERNEATH HEAVEN... ♪
[APPLAUSE]
SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WORDS,

[APPLAUSE]
SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WORDS,
SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WORDS.

SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WORDS,
SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WORDS.
HEY, HAPPY BAR MITZVAH.

SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WORDS.
HEY, HAPPY BAR MITZVAH.
JUST TO BE WITH LIEBERMANS!

HEY, HAPPY BAR MITZVAH.
JUST TO BE WITH LIEBERMANS!
YOU KNOW, IT'S A LOVELY

JUST TO BE WITH LIEBERMANS!
YOU KNOW, IT'S A LOVELY
AFFAIR AND, UH, IT'S A SHAME

YOU KNOW, IT'S A LOVELY
AFFAIR AND, UH, IT'S A SHAME
THAT WE ONLY GET TOGETHER AT

AFFAIR AND, UH, IT'S A SHAME
THAT WE ONLY GET TOGETHER AT
BAR MITZVAHS AND FUNERALS, HUH?

THAT WE ONLY GET TOGETHER AT
BAR MITZVAHS AND FUNERALS, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL

BAR MITZVAHS AND FUNERALS, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL
YOU SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL
YOU SOMETHING.
THEY SAY TO ME, "NICK, CAN YOU

YOU SOMETHING.
THEY SAY TO ME, "NICK, CAN YOU
FILL IN AT THE LAST MINUTE?

THEY SAY TO ME, "NICK, CAN YOU
FILL IN AT THE LAST MINUTE?
IT'S A BAR MITZVAH."

FILL IN AT THE LAST MINUTE?
IT'S A BAR MITZVAH."
I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, A BUNCH OF

IT'S A BAR MITZVAH."
I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, A BUNCH OF
RELIGIOUS STIFFS."

I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, A BUNCH OF
RELIGIOUS STIFFS."
UH-UNH, YOU'RE NOT.

RELIGIOUS STIFFS."
UH-UNH, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST AS NUTS AS

UH-UNH, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST AS NUTS AS
ANY OF MY BUDDIES.

YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST AS NUTS AS
ANY OF MY BUDDIES.
AND I GOT SOMETHING, I'VE BEEN

ANY OF MY BUDDIES.
AND I GOT SOMETHING, I'VE BEEN
KEEPING IT IN.

AND I GOT SOMETHING, I'VE BEEN
KEEPING IT IN.
I GOTTA DO IT. PAUL?

KEEPING IT IN.
I GOTTA DO IT. PAUL?
[PIANO PLAYS MELODY TO "THERE'S

I GOTTA DO IT. PAUL?
[PIANO PLAYS MELODY TO "THERE'S
NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]

[PIANO PLAYS MELODY TO "THERE'S
NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]
♪ THERE'S NO RELIGION LIKE

[NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]
♪ THERE'S NO RELIGION LIKE
THE JUDEO-HEBREW TRADITION

♪ THERE'S NO RELIGION LIKE
THE JUDEO-HEBREW TRADITION
LIKE NO CONDITION I KNOW ♪

THE JUDEO-HEBREW TRADITION
LIKE NO CONDITION I KNOW ♪
♪ EVERYTHING ABOUT IT

LIKE NO CONDITION I KNOW ♪
♪ EVERYTHING ABOUT IT
IS SO ANCIENT ♪

♪ EVERYTHING ABOUT IT
IS SO ANCIENT ♪
♪ RAPPIN' ABOUT PROPHETS

IS SO ANCIENT ♪
♪ RAPPIN' ABOUT PROPHETS
WE ALL KNOW ♪

♪ RAPPIN' ABOUT PROPHETS
WE ALL KNOW ♪
♪ ABRAHAM AND ISAAC

WE ALL KNOW ♪
♪ ABRAHAM AND ISAAC
AND THERE'S JOSEPH ♪

♪ ABRAHAM AND ISAAC
AND THERE'S JOSEPH ♪
♪ BARBARA STREISAND

AND THERE'S JOSEPH ♪
♪ BARBARA STREISAND
AND GROUCHO, TOO ♪

♪ BARBARA STREISAND
AND GROUCHO, TOO ♪
♪ THERE'S NO PEOPLE

AND GROUCHO, TOO ♪
♪ THERE'S NO PEOPLE
LIKE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE ♪

♪ THERE'S NO PEOPLE
LIKE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE ♪
♪ THEY SMILE WHEN THEY ARE LOW ♪

LIKE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE ♪
♪ THEY SMILE WHEN THEY ARE LOW ♪
♪ EVEN WHEN YOU'RE WANDERING IN

♪ THEY SMILE WHEN THEY ARE LOW ♪
♪ EVEN WHEN YOU'RE WANDERING IN
THE DESERT LONG,

♪ EVEN WHEN YOU'RE WANDERING IN
THE DESERT LONG,
YOU ATE YOUR MATZOS

THE DESERT LONG,
YOU ATE YOUR MATZOS
AND SANG A SONG ♪

YOU ATE YOUR MATZOS
AND SANG A SONG ♪
♪ THE PHARAOH THOUGHT

AND SANG A SONG ♪
♪ THE PHARAOH THOUGHT
HE'D STOP YOU

♪ THE PHARAOH THOUGHT
HE'D STOP YOU
BUT YOU PROVED HIM WRONG ♪

HE'D STOP YOU
BUT YOU PROVED HIM WRONG ♪
GREG, YOU COULD BE...

BUT YOU PROVED HIM WRONG ♪
GREG, YOU COULD BE...
♪ A GOLDSMITH, LAWYER, JEWELER,

GREG, YOU COULD BE...
♪ A GOLDSMITH, LAWYER, JEWELER,
SHRINK, ACCOUNTANT, SHRINK ♪

♪ A GOLDSMITH, LAWYER, JEWELER,
SHRINK, ACCOUNTANT, SHRINK ♪
♪ WHATEVER IT IS,

SHRINK, ACCOUNTANT, SHRINK ♪
♪ WHATEVER IT IS,
IT'S JUST LIEBERMAN, INC. ♪

♪ WHATEVER IT IS,
IT'S JUST LIEBERMAN, INC. ♪
♪ FORGET ABOUT THE SHVARTZES

IT'S JUST LIEBERMAN, INC. ♪
♪ FORGET ABOUT THE SHVARTZES
AND YOUR MOTHER'S MINK ♪

♪ FORGET ABOUT THE SHVARTZES
AND YOUR MOTHER'S MINK ♪
♪ YOU'RE A MAN, GREG ♪

AND YOUR MOTHER'S MINK ♪
♪ YOU'RE A MAN, GREG ♪
♪ AIN'T NO STOPPING YOU NOW... ♪

♪ YOU'RE A MAN, GREG ♪
♪ AIN'T NO STOPPING YOU NOW... ♪
♪ SO SPREAD YOUR BIG MAN'S WINGS

♪ AIN'T NO STOPPING YOU NOW... ♪
♪ SO SPREAD YOUR BIG MAN'S WINGS
AND FLY... ♪

♪ SO SPREAD YOUR BIG MAN'S WINGS
AND FLY... ♪
♪ WRITE YOUR TICKET WITH

AND FLY... ♪
♪ WRITE YOUR TICKET WITH
YOUR MARK CROSS PENS ♪

♪ WRITE YOUR TICKET WITH
YOUR MARK CROSS PENS ♪
♪ AND GO STRAIGHT ON UP,

YOUR MARK CROSS PENS ♪
♪ AND GO STRAIGHT ON UP,
STRAIGHT ON UP,

♪ AND GO STRAIGHT ON UP,
STRAIGHT ON UP,
STRAIGHT ON UP TO...

STRAIGHT ON UP,
STRAIGHT ON UP TO...
THE SKY... ♪

STRAIGHT ON UP TO...
THE SKY... ♪
♪ SO ON WITH THE SHOW... ♪

THE SKY... ♪
♪ SO ON WITH THE SHOW... ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Woman: STANDBY TO FADE UP IN
FIVE... FOUR... THREE...
TWO... ONE.

FIVE... FOUR... THREE...
TWO... ONE.
FADE UP... CUE TALENT.

TWO... ONE.
FADE UP... CUE TALENT.
GOOD EVENING ONCE AGAIN,

FADE UP... CUE TALENT.
GOOD EVENING ONCE AGAIN,
EVERYBODY, FROM STUDIO 3-K HERE

GOOD EVENING ONCE AGAIN,
EVERYBODY, FROM STUDIO 3-K HERE
AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER.

EVERYBODY, FROM STUDIO 3-K HERE
AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER.
THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM IS

AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER.
THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM IS
"PRIMETIME SATURDAY," ALTHOUGH

THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM IS
"PRIMETIME SATURDAY," ALTHOUGH
WE RAN OUT OF PRIMETIME BEFORE

"PRIMETIME SATURDAY," ALTHOUGH
WE RAN OUT OF PRIMETIME BEFORE
WE RAN OUT OF PROGRAM, SO

WE RAN OUT OF PRIMETIME BEFORE
WE RAN OUT OF PROGRAM, SO
TONIGHT, MAYBE IT SHOULD BE "NOT

WE RAN OUT OF PROGRAM, SO
TONIGHT, MAYBE IT SHOULD BE "NOT
READY FOR PRIMETIME SATURDAY."

TONIGHT, MAYBE IT SHOULD BE "NOT
READY FOR PRIMETIME SATURDAY."
ANYWAY, WE CALLED UPSTAIRS TO

READY FOR PRIMETIME SATURDAY."
ANYWAY, WE CALLED UPSTAIRS TO
STUDIO 8-H HERE IN ROCKEFELLER

ANYWAY, WE CALLED UPSTAIRS TO
STUDIO 8-H HERE IN ROCKEFELLER
CENTER, WHERE THEY DO THE

STUDIO 8-H HERE IN ROCKEFELLER
CENTER, WHERE THEY DO THE
SATURDAY NIGHT SHOW, AND, UH,

CENTER, WHERE THEY DO THE
SATURDAY NIGHT SHOW, AND, UH,
WE TOLD THEM THAT WE HAD

SATURDAY NIGHT SHOW, AND, UH,
WE TOLD THEM THAT WE HAD
ONE SEGMENT LEFT OVER.

WE TOLD THEM THAT WE HAD
ONE SEGMENT LEFT OVER.
THEIR DIRECTOR, MR. WILSON,

ONE SEGMENT LEFT OVER.
THEIR DIRECTOR, MR. WILSON,
SAID THEY WERE RUNNING

THEIR DIRECTOR, MR. WILSON,
SAID THEY WERE RUNNING
KIND OF SHORT.

SAID THEY WERE RUNNING
KIND OF SHORT.
WE BOTH WORK FOR THE

KIND OF SHORT.
WE BOTH WORK FOR THE
NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,

WE BOTH WORK FOR THE
NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,
SO HERE WE ARE.

NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY,
SO HERE WE ARE.
Woman: STANDBY TO TURN.

SO HERE WE ARE.
Woman: STANDBY TO TURN.
THREE, TWO, ONE... TURN.

Woman: STANDBY TO TURN.
THREE, TWO, ONE... TURN.
[LAUGHTER]

THREE, TWO, ONE... TURN.
[LAUGHTER]
EVER SINCE JIMMY CARTER

[LAUGHTER]
EVER SINCE JIMMY CARTER
BECAME PRESIDENT, A GREAT DEAL

EVER SINCE JIMMY CARTER
BECAME PRESIDENT, A GREAT DEAL
OF ATTENTION HAS FOCUSED ON

BECAME PRESIDENT, A GREAT DEAL
OF ATTENTION HAS FOCUSED ON
HIS BROTHER BILLY.

OF ATTENTION HAS FOCUSED ON
HIS BROTHER BILLY.
THEY'RE BOTH FOR PITCHING BEER

HIS BROTHER BILLY.
THEY'RE BOTH FOR PITCHING BEER
AND FOR REPRESENTING ARABS IN

THEY'RE BOTH FOR PITCHING BEER
AND FOR REPRESENTING ARABS IN
THIS COUNTRY.

AND FOR REPRESENTING ARABS IN
THIS COUNTRY.
WE WONDERED, WITH A NEW

THIS COUNTRY.
WE WONDERED, WITH A NEW
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN UNDERWAY,

WE WONDERED, WITH A NEW
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN UNDERWAY,
WHETHER ANY OF THE CANDIDATES

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN UNDERWAY,
WHETHER ANY OF THE CANDIDATES
HAVE A "BILLY" UP THEIR FAMILY

WHETHER ANY OF THE CANDIDATES
HAVE A "BILLY" UP THEIR FAMILY
TREE, SO WE HAVE GATHERED THREE

HAVE A "BILLY" UP THEIR FAMILY
TREE, SO WE HAVE GATHERED THREE
BROTHERS OF THREE PRESIDENTIAL

TREE, SO WE HAVE GATHERED THREE
BROTHERS OF THREE PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES IN THE STUDIO...

BROTHERS OF THREE PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES IN THE STUDIO...
STUDIO 4-L, AS A MATTER OF

CANDIDATES IN THE STUDIO...
STUDIO 4-L, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, OF OUR STATION WMAQ,

STUDIO 4-L, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, OF OUR STATION WMAQ,
CHANNEL 5 IN CHICAGO... OUT THERE

FACT, OF OUR STATION WMAQ,
CHANNEL 5 IN CHICAGO... OUT THERE
ON THE 19th FLOOR OF THE

CHANNEL 5 IN CHICAGO... OUT THERE
ON THE 19th FLOOR OF THE
MERCHANDISE MART.

ON THE 19th FLOOR OF THE
MERCHANDISE MART.
WE WOULD HAVE FLOWN THEM IN HERE

MERCHANDISE MART.
WE WOULD HAVE FLOWN THEM IN HERE
TO NEW YORK, BUT WE'RE NOT DOING

WE WOULD HAVE FLOWN THEM IN HERE
TO NEW YORK, BUT WE'RE NOT DOING
TOO WELL IN THE RATINGS

TO NEW YORK, BUT WE'RE NOT DOING
TOO WELL IN THE RATINGS
AT THIS POINT, SO THERE

TOO WELL IN THE RATINGS
AT THIS POINT, SO THERE
THEY ARE IN CHICAGO.

AT THIS POINT, SO THERE
THEY ARE IN CHICAGO.
GENTLEMEN, GOOD EVENING TO YOU.

THEY ARE IN CHICAGO.
GENTLEMEN, GOOD EVENING TO YOU.
CAN WE SEE THE BROTHERS,

GENTLEMEN, GOOD EVENING TO YOU.
CAN WE SEE THE BROTHERS,
PLEASE, GEORGE?

CAN WE SEE THE BROTHERS,
PLEASE, GEORGE?
OK, THERE THEY ARE.

PLEASE, GEORGE?
OK, THERE THEY ARE.
ON THE LEFT IS WENDELL BUSH, THE

OK, THERE THEY ARE.
ON THE LEFT IS WENDELL BUSH, THE
BROTHER OF GEORGE BUSH, A MUTUAL

ON THE LEFT IS WENDELL BUSH, THE
BROTHER OF GEORGE BUSH, A MUTUAL
FUND SALESMAN IN MILWAUKEE...

BROTHER OF GEORGE BUSH, A MUTUAL
FUND SALESMAN IN MILWAUKEE...
IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, MY OLD

FUND SALESMAN IN MILWAUKEE...
IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, MY OLD
STOMPING GROUNDS UP THERE.

IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, MY OLD
STOMPING GROUNDS UP THERE.
IN THE MIDDLE IS

STOMPING GROUNDS UP THERE.
IN THE MIDDLE IS
DENNIS CRANE, THE BROTHER OF

IN THE MIDDLE IS
DENNIS CRANE, THE BROTHER OF
PHIL, A FOOT SURGEON AND

DENNIS CRANE, THE BROTHER OF
PHIL, A FOOT SURGEON AND
PATHOLOGIST, AND I BELIEVE THEY

PHIL, A FOOT SURGEON AND
PATHOLOGIST, AND I BELIEVE THEY
CALL IT "KAYRO," ILLINOIS, SIR?

PATHOLOGIST, AND I BELIEVE THEY
CALL IT "KAYRO," ILLINOIS, SIR?
WELL, THEY DO CALL IT

CALL IT "KAYRO," ILLINOIS, SIR?
WELL, THEY DO CALL IT
"KAYRO," BUT, UH, I'M KIND OF

WELL, THEY DO CALL IT
"KAYRO," BUT, UH, I'M KIND OF
OLD-FASHIONED, TOM.

"KAYRO," BUT, UH, I'M KIND OF
OLD-FASHIONED, TOM.
I LIKE TO CALL IT "CAIRO."

OLD-FASHIONED, TOM.
I LIKE TO CALL IT "CAIRO."
ALL RIGHT, GOOD ENOUGH, SIR,

I LIKE TO CALL IT "CAIRO."
ALL RIGHT, GOOD ENOUGH, SIR,
CAIRO, IT IS.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD ENOUGH, SIR,
CAIRO, IT IS.
AND, AT THE OTHER END IS

CAIRO, IT IS.
AND, AT THE OTHER END IS
CLAUDE CONNALLY, AN INVESTMENT

AND, AT THE OTHER END IS
CLAUDE CONNALLY, AN INVESTMENT
CONSULTANT AND LAWYER IN THE

CLAUDE CONNALLY, AN INVESTMENT
CONSULTANT AND LAWYER IN THE
CITY OF HOUSTON, TEXAS, AND

CONSULTANT AND LAWYER IN THE
CITY OF HOUSTON, TEXAS, AND
QUITE OBVIOUSLY THE BROTHER OF

CITY OF HOUSTON, TEXAS, AND
QUITE OBVIOUSLY THE BROTHER OF
RONALD REAGAN. [LAUGHS]

QUITE OBVIOUSLY THE BROTHER OF
RONALD REAGAN. [LAUGHS]
SIR, I'M JUST KIDDING, IT'S JOHN

RONALD REAGAN. [LAUGHS]
SIR, I'M JUST KIDDING, IT'S JOHN
CONNALLY'S BROTHER, AND, FELLAS,

SIR, I'M JUST KIDDING, IT'S JOHN
CONNALLY'S BROTHER, AND, FELLAS,
THANKS TO YOU ALL COMING BY FOR

CONNALLY'S BROTHER, AND, FELLAS,
THANKS TO YOU ALL COMING BY FOR
WAITING AROUND SO LATE, AND I

THANKS TO YOU ALL COMING BY FOR
WAITING AROUND SO LATE, AND I
GUESS THE FIRST QUESTION I HAVE

WAITING AROUND SO LATE, AND I
GUESS THE FIRST QUESTION I HAVE
FOR ALL OF YOU IS... ARE ANY

GUESS THE FIRST QUESTION I HAVE
FOR ALL OF YOU IS... ARE ANY
OF YOU KIND OF FLAKY?

FOR ALL OF YOU IS... ARE ANY
OF YOU KIND OF FLAKY?
WELL, UM... I DON'T KNOW

OF YOU KIND OF FLAKY?
WELL, UM... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S CONSIDERED FLAKY

WELL, UM... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S CONSIDERED FLAKY
BACK THERE, TOM.

WHAT'S CONSIDERED FLAKY
BACK THERE, TOM.
UH, I PLAY TENNIS AT NIGHT.

BACK THERE, TOM.
UH, I PLAY TENNIS AT NIGHT.
SOME OF MY FRIENDS THINK THAT'S

UH, I PLAY TENNIS AT NIGHT.
SOME OF MY FRIENDS THINK THAT'S
A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, OFF.

SOME OF MY FRIENDS THINK THAT'S
A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, OFF.
WELL, SIR... I DON'T THINK

A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, OFF.
WELL, SIR... I DON'T THINK
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT'S

WELL, SIR... I DON'T THINK
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT'S
GOING TO GET IN PAGE ONE OF

THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT'S
GOING TO GET IN PAGE ONE OF
THE NEW YORK POST,

GOING TO GET IN PAGE ONE OF
THE NEW YORK POST,
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.

THE NEW YORK POST,
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. CONNALLY?

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. CONNALLY?
WELL, I GUESS EVERYBODY

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. CONNALLY?
WELL, I GUESS EVERYBODY
KNOWS ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED LAND

WELL, I GUESS EVERYBODY
KNOWS ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED LAND
SCANDAL THAT JOHN AND I HAD OUR

KNOWS ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED LAND
SCANDAL THAT JOHN AND I HAD OUR
NAMES DRAGGED THROUGH DOWN HERE.

SCANDAL THAT JOHN AND I HAD OUR
NAMES DRAGGED THROUGH DOWN HERE.
WELL, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,

NAMES DRAGGED THROUGH DOWN HERE.
WELL, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
SIR, NO, I DO NOT.

WELL, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
SIR, NO, I DO NOT.
WELL, IT WAS KIND OF A SILLY

SIR, NO, I DO NOT.
WELL, IT WAS KIND OF A SILLY
LITTLE THING, TOM.

WELL, IT WAS KIND OF A SILLY
LITTLE THING, TOM.
THIS WAS WHEN L.B.J. WAS

LITTLE THING, TOM.
THIS WAS WHEN L.B.J. WAS
STILL ALIVE, YOU KNOW?

THIS WAS WHEN L.B.J. WAS
STILL ALIVE, YOU KNOW?
YES, SIR.

STILL ALIVE, YOU KNOW?
YES, SIR.
AND JOHN AND I MADE A DEAL

YES, SIR.
AND JOHN AND I MADE A DEAL
WITH THE OLD MAN TO SELL OFF

AND JOHN AND I MADE A DEAL
WITH THE OLD MAN TO SELL OFF
ABOUT 10,000 ACRES OF HIS RANCH.

WITH THE OLD MAN TO SELL OFF
ABOUT 10,000 ACRES OF HIS RANCH.
THIS WAS ALL REAL SCRUB COUNTRY,

ABOUT 10,000 ACRES OF HIS RANCH.
THIS WAS ALL REAL SCRUB COUNTRY,
YOU KNOW?

THIS WAS ALL REAL SCRUB COUNTRY,
YOU KNOW?
THE AD SAID THAT IT HAD A VIEW

YOU KNOW?
THE AD SAID THAT IT HAD A VIEW
OF THE PEDERNALES, YOU KNOW?

THE AD SAID THAT IT HAD A VIEW
OF THE PEDERNALES, YOU KNOW?
YES, SIR, AND THE SWAMP IS

OF THE PEDERNALES, YOU KNOW?
YES, SIR, AND THE SWAMP IS
GUARANTEED TO BE AT LEAST HALF

YES, SIR, AND THE SWAMP IS
GUARANTEED TO BE AT LEAST HALF
A MILE AWAY, KNOW IT WELL.

GUARANTEED TO BE AT LEAST HALF
A MILE AWAY, KNOW IT WELL.
[CHUCKLES] THAT'S RIGHT,

A MILE AWAY, KNOW IT WELL.
[CHUCKLES] THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT SORT OF THING.

[CHUCKLES] THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT SORT OF THING.
WELL, SOME PEOPLE STARTED

THAT SORT OF THING.
WELL, SOME PEOPLE STARTED
COMPLAINING ABOUT THE DEAL, BUT

WELL, SOME PEOPLE STARTED
COMPLAINING ABOUT THE DEAL, BUT
RIGHT ABOUT THAT TIME,

COMPLAINING ABOUT THE DEAL, BUT
RIGHT ABOUT THAT TIME,
L.B.J. SAID HIS FINAL FAREWELL

RIGHT ABOUT THAT TIME,
L.B.J. SAID HIS FINAL FAREWELL
TO THE HILL COUNTRY,

L.B.J. SAID HIS FINAL FAREWELL
TO THE HILL COUNTRY,
AND THE WHOLE SHEBANG WENT

TO THE HILL COUNTRY,
AND THE WHOLE SHEBANG WENT
STRAIGHT INTO PROBATE COURT.

AND THE WHOLE SHEBANG WENT
STRAIGHT INTO PROBATE COURT.
EVERYBODY GOT THEIR MONEY

STRAIGHT INTO PROBATE COURT.
EVERYBODY GOT THEIR MONEY
BACK AND WENT AWAY AS HAPPY AS

EVERYBODY GOT THEIR MONEY
BACK AND WENT AWAY AS HAPPY AS
SQUIRRELS IN PIG FLOP.

BACK AND WENT AWAY AS HAPPY AS
SQUIRRELS IN PIG FLOP.
ALL RIGHT, SIR.

SQUIRRELS IN PIG FLOP.
ALL RIGHT, SIR.
NOW, FOR ANYONE WHO WASN'T BORN

ALL RIGHT, SIR.
NOW, FOR ANYONE WHO WASN'T BORN
OUT THERE IN THE BOONDOCKS, I

NOW, FOR ANYONE WHO WASN'T BORN
OUT THERE IN THE BOONDOCKS, I
GATHER BY "PIG FLOP," I TAKE IT

OUT THERE IN THE BOONDOCKS, I
GATHER BY "PIG FLOP," I TAKE IT
YOU MEAN THE PART OF THE PIG

GATHER BY "PIG FLOP," I TAKE IT
YOU MEAN THE PART OF THE PIG
THAT... THAT HE LEAVES BEHIND

YOU MEAN THE PART OF THE PIG
THAT... THAT HE LEAVES BEHIND
THAT ISN'T MADE INTO HAM OR

THAT... THAT HE LEAVES BEHIND
THAT ISN'T MADE INTO HAM OR
BACON, AM I CORRECT?

THAT ISN'T MADE INTO HAM OR
BACON, AM I CORRECT?
UH, YES, SIR, THAT'S ONE WAY

BACON, AM I CORRECT?
UH, YES, SIR, THAT'S ONE WAY
OF PUTTING IT.

UH, YES, SIR, THAT'S ONE WAY
OF PUTTING IT.
OK, FAIR ENOUGH.

OF PUTTING IT.
OK, FAIR ENOUGH.
AND, SINCE THAT TIME, YOU'VE

OK, FAIR ENOUGH.
AND, SINCE THAT TIME, YOU'VE
BEEN INVOLVED IN BUSINESS

AND, SINCE THAT TIME, YOU'VE
BEEN INVOLVED IN BUSINESS
AFFAIRS WITH YOUR BROTHER JOHN.

BEEN INVOLVED IN BUSINESS
AFFAIRS WITH YOUR BROTHER JOHN.
HAVE YOU DONE SO BY YOURSELF,

AFFAIRS WITH YOUR BROTHER JOHN.
HAVE YOU DONE SO BY YOURSELF,
OR WHAT?

HAVE YOU DONE SO BY YOURSELF,
OR WHAT?
WELL, SIR, THE GOOD LORD HAS

OR WHAT?
WELL, SIR, THE GOOD LORD HAS
BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO BLESS ME

WELL, SIR, THE GOOD LORD HAS
BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO BLESS ME
WITH SOME PRETTY GOOD

BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO BLESS ME
WITH SOME PRETTY GOOD
INFORMATION ON THE STOCK MARKET,

WITH SOME PRETTY GOOD
INFORMATION ON THE STOCK MARKET,
AND I'VE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH

INFORMATION ON THE STOCK MARKET,
AND I'VE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH
TO HAVE SOME CLIENTS WHO ARE

AND I'VE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH
TO HAVE SOME CLIENTS WHO ARE
INTERESTED IN THIS KIND

TO HAVE SOME CLIENTS WHO ARE
INTERESTED IN THIS KIND
OF INFORMATION.

INTERESTED IN THIS KIND
OF INFORMATION.
AND THEY'RE WILLING TO PAY

OF INFORMATION.
AND THEY'RE WILLING TO PAY
FOR IT, ARE THEY NOT, SIR?

AND THEY'RE WILLING TO PAY
FOR IT, ARE THEY NOT, SIR?
UH, YES, SIR, IT'S MY GOOD

FOR IT, ARE THEY NOT, SIR?
UH, YES, SIR, IT'S MY GOOD
FORTUNE THAT THEY ARE.

UH, YES, SIR, IT'S MY GOOD
FORTUNE THAT THEY ARE.
AND NOBODY IS TWISTING THEIR

FORTUNE THAT THEY ARE.
AND NOBODY IS TWISTING THEIR
ARMS TO PAY FOR IT, AND I'M SURE

AND NOBODY IS TWISTING THEIR
ARMS TO PAY FOR IT, AND I'M SURE
YOU MAKE NO GUARANTEES FOR IT?

ARMS TO PAY FOR IT, AND I'M SURE
YOU MAKE NO GUARANTEES FOR IT?
NO, SIR.

YOU MAKE NO GUARANTEES FOR IT?
NO, SIR.
IT'S A CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN

NO, SIR.
IT'S A CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN
TYPE OF A BUSINESS.

IT'S A CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN
TYPE OF A BUSINESS.
ALL RIGHT, AND, MR. BUSH,

TYPE OF A BUSINESS.
ALL RIGHT, AND, MR. BUSH,
DOES THE GOOD LORD GIVE YOU

ALL RIGHT, AND, MR. BUSH,
DOES THE GOOD LORD GIVE YOU
INFORMATION ON GOOD MUTUAL

DOES THE GOOD LORD GIVE YOU
INFORMATION ON GOOD MUTUAL
FUND DEALS LIKE OUR FRIEND

INFORMATION ON GOOD MUTUAL
FUND DEALS LIKE OUR FRIEND
MR. CONNALLY GETS?

FUND DEALS LIKE OUR FRIEND
MR. CONNALLY GETS?
UH, NO, TOM, I HAVE

MR. CONNALLY GETS?
UH, NO, TOM, I HAVE
TO GET MY INFORMATION FROM

UH, NO, TOM, I HAVE
TO GET MY INFORMATION FROM
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL,

TO GET MY INFORMATION FROM
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL,
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL,
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.
DR. CRANE, DOES LOOKING

ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.
DR. CRANE, DOES LOOKING
AT OTHER PEOPLE'S SICK FEET

DR. CRANE, DOES LOOKING
AT OTHER PEOPLE'S SICK FEET
ALL DAY DRIVE YOU

AT OTHER PEOPLE'S SICK FEET
ALL DAY DRIVE YOU
BATTY SOMETIMES?

ALL DAY DRIVE YOU
BATTY SOMETIMES?
I MEAN, IF YOUR BROTHER BECOMES

BATTY SOMETIMES?
I MEAN, IF YOUR BROTHER BECOMES
PRESIDENT, WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE

I MEAN, IF YOUR BROTHER BECOMES
PRESIDENT, WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE
DENNIS CRANE BEER, ARE WE, SIR?

PRESIDENT, WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE
DENNIS CRANE BEER, ARE WE, SIR?
NO, TOM, I THINK IF

DENNIS CRANE BEER, ARE WE, SIR?
NO, TOM, I THINK IF
ANY BEVERAGE IS NAMED AFTER ME,

NO, TOM, I THINK IF
ANY BEVERAGE IS NAMED AFTER ME,
IT'S MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE RUM.

ANY BEVERAGE IS NAMED AFTER ME,
IT'S MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE RUM.
ALL RIGHT,

IT'S MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE RUM.
ALL RIGHT,
THE DOCTOR LIKES HIS RUM!

ALL RIGHT,
THE DOCTOR LIKES HIS RUM!
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, I'M A

THE DOCTOR LIKES HIS RUM!
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, I'M A
CONSULTANT TO, TO THE CHICAGO

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, I'M A
CONSULTANT TO, TO THE CHICAGO
BEARS, AND, UH, ALSO ONE OF THE

CONSULTANT TO, TO THE CHICAGO
BEARS, AND, UH, ALSO ONE OF THE
CANADIAN FOOTBALL TEAMS,

BEARS, AND, UH, ALSO ONE OF THE
CANADIAN FOOTBALL TEAMS,
THE EDMONTON HUSKIES...

CANADIAN FOOTBALL TEAMS,
THE EDMONTON HUSKIES...
YES, SIR.

THE EDMONTON HUSKIES...
YES, SIR.
ON THE PROBLEMS OF THE FOOT.

YES, SIR.
ON THE PROBLEMS OF THE FOOT.
AND A FUNNY THING: A QUARTERBACK

ON THE PROBLEMS OF THE FOOT.
AND A FUNNY THING: A QUARTERBACK
WHO WAS DRAFTED JUST ABOUT A

AND A FUNNY THING: A QUARTERBACK
WHO WAS DRAFTED JUST ABOUT A
YEAR AGO WAS HAVING A TERRIBLE

WHO WAS DRAFTED JUST ABOUT A
YEAR AGO WAS HAVING A TERRIBLE
PROBLEM WITH HIS HAMMER TOES...

YEAR AGO WAS HAVING A TERRIBLE
PROBLEM WITH HIS HAMMER TOES...
YES, SIR?

PROBLEM WITH HIS HAMMER TOES...
YES, SIR?
AND, UH, WELL, I, UH,

YES, SIR?
AND, UH, WELL, I, UH,
WAS A CONSULTANT ON THE DESIGN

AND, UH, WELL, I, UH,
WAS A CONSULTANT ON THE DESIGN
OF SOME SPECIAL SHOES

WAS A CONSULTANT ON THE DESIGN
OF SOME SPECIAL SHOES
WHICH WE GAVE TO HIM.

OF SOME SPECIAL SHOES
WHICH WE GAVE TO HIM.
OK, AND HOW DID

WHICH WE GAVE TO HIM.
OK, AND HOW DID
HE DO LAST SEASON?

OK, AND HOW DID
HE DO LAST SEASON?
WELL, I BELIEVE HE WAS WAIVED

HE DO LAST SEASON?
WELL, I BELIEVE HE WAS WAIVED
RIGHT OUT OF THE LEAGUE...

WELL, I BELIEVE HE WAS WAIVED
RIGHT OUT OF THE LEAGUE...
BAD ARM, ACTUALLY.

RIGHT OUT OF THE LEAGUE...
BAD ARM, ACTUALLY.
UH, MADE THREE INTERCEPTIONS

BAD ARM, ACTUALLY.
UH, MADE THREE INTERCEPTIONS
IN ONE GAME...

UH, MADE THREE INTERCEPTIONS
IN ONE GAME...
YES, SIR, BUT THE TOES

IN ONE GAME...
YES, SIR, BUT THE TOES
WERE OK?

YES, SIR, BUT THE TOES
WERE OK?
UH, YEAH, YES.

WERE OK?
UH, YEAH, YES.
OK, AND FOR ALL YOU GUYS,

UH, YEAH, YES.
OK, AND FOR ALL YOU GUYS,
NO DRINKING, NO HORSING AROUND,

OK, AND FOR ALL YOU GUYS,
NO DRINKING, NO HORSING AROUND,
NO... I DON'T KNOW,

NO DRINKING, NO HORSING AROUND,
NO... I DON'T KNOW,
NO HOMOSEXUAL LOVE AFFAIRS

NO... I DON'T KNOW,
NO HOMOSEXUAL LOVE AFFAIRS
IN ENGLAND, ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

NO HOMOSEXUAL LOVE AFFAIRS
IN ENGLAND, ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
UH... NO.

IN ENGLAND, ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
UH... NO.
NO, TOM, I'M AFRAID NOT.

UH... NO.
NO, TOM, I'M AFRAID NOT.
OK, WELL, AGAIN,

NO, TOM, I'M AFRAID NOT.
OK, WELL, AGAIN,
GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR COMING

OK, WELL, AGAIN,
GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR COMING
ALL THE WAY TO CHICAGO AND

GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR COMING
ALL THE WAY TO CHICAGO AND
STAYING SO LATE IN

ALL THE WAY TO CHICAGO AND
STAYING SO LATE IN
THE BOOTH THERE.

STAYING SO LATE IN
THE BOOTH THERE.
UH, NOT EXACTLY EARTH-SHAKING,

THE BOOTH THERE.
UH, NOT EXACTLY EARTH-SHAKING,
BUT WE'D ALREADY PAID

UH, NOT EXACTLY EARTH-SHAKING,
BUT WE'D ALREADY PAID
FOR THE LINE TO CHICAGO,

BUT WE'D ALREADY PAID
FOR THE LINE TO CHICAGO,
SO THERE IT WAS.

FOR THE LINE TO CHICAGO,
SO THERE IT WAS.
AND, INCIDENTALLY, WE DID HAVE

SO THERE IT WAS.
AND, INCIDENTALLY, WE DID HAVE
ONLY REPUBLICAN BROTHERS.

AND, INCIDENTALLY, WE DID HAVE
ONLY REPUBLICAN BROTHERS.
THAT IS BECAUSE WE'RE ALL

ONLY REPUBLICAN BROTHERS.
THAT IS BECAUSE WE'RE ALL
PRETTY FAMILIAR WITH

THAT IS BECAUSE WE'RE ALL
PRETTY FAMILIAR WITH
PRESIDENT CARTER'S BROTHER

PRETTY FAMILIAR WITH
PRESIDENT CARTER'S BROTHER
BILLY, GOVERNOR BROWN HAS ONLY

PRESIDENT CARTER'S BROTHER
BILLY, GOVERNOR BROWN HAS ONLY
A SISTER, AND SENATOR KENNEDY

BILLY, GOVERNOR BROWN HAS ONLY
A SISTER, AND SENATOR KENNEDY
IS... AN ONLY CHILD.

A SISTER, AND SENATOR KENNEDY
IS... AN ONLY CHILD.
NEXT WEEK, JACK PERKINS HAS A

IS... AN ONLY CHILD.
NEXT WEEK, JACK PERKINS HAS A
REPORT ON A VETERINARIAN WHO IS

NEXT WEEK, JACK PERKINS HAS A
REPORT ON A VETERINARIAN WHO IS
GETTING RICH ON MEDICARE, AND

REPORT ON A VETERINARIAN WHO IS
GETTING RICH ON MEDICARE, AND
JESSICA SAVITCH HAS A PIECE ON

GETTING RICH ON MEDICARE, AND
JESSICA SAVITCH HAS A PIECE ON
A CHEMIST WHO BELIEVES THAT

JESSICA SAVITCH HAS A PIECE ON
A CHEMIST WHO BELIEVES THAT
VITAMINS MAY CAUSE CANCER.

A CHEMIST WHO BELIEVES THAT
VITAMINS MAY CAUSE CANCER.
UNTIL THEN, THANK YOU.

VITAMINS MAY CAUSE CANCER.
UNTIL THEN, THANK YOU.
BACK UP TO THE SATURDAY NIGHT

UNTIL THEN, THANK YOU.
BACK UP TO THE SATURDAY NIGHT
FOLKS HERE AT STUDIO 8-H

BACK UP TO THE SATURDAY NIGHT
FOLKS HERE AT STUDIO 8-H
IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER,

FOLKS HERE AT STUDIO 8-H
IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER,
AND GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER,
AND GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
Woman: STANDBY TO FADE OUT

AND GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
Woman: STANDBY TO FADE OUT
IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.

Woman: STANDBY TO FADE OUT
IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.
FADE OUT.

[♪...]

Kirk: LET'S GET 'EM!

I HATE YOUR GUTS!

ALL THE POWER OF ROME CAN'T STOP

MEN WHO WOULD BE FREE!

HI... IT'S ME, KIRK DOUGLAS,
THE REAL ONE.
NOW, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,

THE REAL ONE.
NOW, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,
YOU'VE PROBABLY ENJOYED THESE

NOW, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,
YOU'VE PROBABLY ENJOYED THESE
TALENTED MIMICS DOING THEIR

YOU'VE PROBABLY ENJOYED THESE
TALENTED MIMICS DOING THEIR
IMPRESSIONS OF ME FOR QUITE A

TALENTED MIMICS DOING THEIR
IMPRESSIONS OF ME FOR QUITE A
FEW YEARS NOW.

IMPRESSIONS OF ME FOR QUITE A
FEW YEARS NOW.
NOW, IF IMITATION IS THE

FEW YEARS NOW.
NOW, IF IMITATION IS THE
SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY,

NOW, IF IMITATION IS THE
SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY,
I'M FINALLY GOING TO RETURN

SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY,
I'M FINALLY GOING TO RETURN
THE TRIBUTE BY IMPERSONATING

I'M FINALLY GOING TO RETURN
THE TRIBUTE BY IMPERSONATING
THE IMPERSONATORS WHO

THE TRIBUTE BY IMPERSONATING
THE IMPERSONATORS WHO
IMPERSONATE ME.

THE IMPERSONATORS WHO
IMPERSONATE ME.
IT'S ALL IN THIS ALBUM...

IMPERSONATE ME.
IT'S ALL IN THIS ALBUM...
"KIRK'S GREATEST KIRKS."

IT'S ALL IN THIS ALBUM...
"KIRK'S GREATEST KIRKS."
I DO THEM ALL.

"KIRK'S GREATEST KIRKS."
I DO THEM ALL.
I DO THEM ALL AND I WANNA SHARE

I DO THEM ALL.
I DO THEM ALL AND I WANNA SHARE
ME DOING THEM DOING ME WITH YOU.

I DO THEM ALL AND I WANNA SHARE
ME DOING THEM DOING ME WITH YOU.
Announcer: YES, NOW FOR A

ME DOING THEM DOING ME WITH YOU.
Announcer: YES, NOW FOR A
LIMITED TIME ONLY, YOU'LL GET

Announcer: YES, NOW FOR A
LIMITED TIME ONLY, YOU'LL GET
KIRK DOING FRANK GORSHIN

LIMITED TIME ONLY, YOU'LL GET
KIRK DOING FRANK GORSHIN
DOING KIRK.

KIRK DOING FRANK GORSHIN
DOING KIRK.
I CAN BEAT 'EM, YOU KNOW

DOING KIRK.
I CAN BEAT 'EM, YOU KNOW
I CAN BEAT 'EM!

I CAN BEAT 'EM, YOU KNOW
I CAN BEAT 'EM!
Announcer: YOU'LL GET KIRK

I CAN BEAT 'EM!
Announcer: YOU'LL GET KIRK
DOING RICH LITTLE DOING KIRK.

Announcer: YOU'LL GET KIRK
DOING RICH LITTLE DOING KIRK.
FOLLOW ME.

DOING RICH LITTLE DOING KIRK.
FOLLOW ME.
Announcer: AND, OF COURSE,

FOLLOW ME.
Announcer: AND, OF COURSE,
YOU'LL GET KIRK DOING DAVID FRYE

Announcer: AND, OF COURSE,
YOU'LL GET KIRK DOING DAVID FRYE
DOING KIRK.

YOU'LL GET KIRK DOING DAVID FRYE
DOING KIRK.
THAT HORSE MEANT MORE

DOING KIRK.
THAT HORSE MEANT MORE
TO ME... THAN MY MOTHER.

Announcer: YES, YOU'LL GET

KIRK DOING EVERYBODY WHO'S

EVER DONE KIRK.

THERE ARE IMITATORS AND THERE

ARE IMITATORS BUT THERE'S

NOTHING LIKE THE REAL THING

DOING THE IMITATORS DOING

THE REAL THING.

THEM FAT BELLIES WITH THE BIG

CIGARS... THEY AIN'T GONNA MAKE

A MONKEY OUT OF ME!

IT'S A DIRTY, STINKING,

ROTTEN WAR.

IT'S A DIRTY, STINKING,

ROTTEN WORLD!

IT'S A DIRTY, STINKING,

ROTTEN SHAME!

IT'S DIRTY!

IT'S STINKING!

IT'S ROTTEN!

Announcer: JUST CLOSE YOUR

EYES AND YOU CAN ALMOST SEE THE

NECK MUSCLES STRAINING, THE

VEINS BULGING, THE EYES POPPING.

JUST SEND $8.98 FOR THE
TWO-RECORD SET OR $9.95 FOR THE
EIGHT TRACK STEREO, TAPE OR

TWO-RECORD SET OR $9.95 FOR THE
EIGHT TRACK STEREO, TAPE OR
CASSETTE TO KIRK'S GREATEST

EIGHT TRACK STEREO, TAPE OR
CASSETTE TO KIRK'S GREATEST
KIRKS, POST OFFICE BOX 202,

CASSETTE TO KIRK'S GREATEST
KIRKS, POST OFFICE BOX 202,
CARBON CITY, NEW YORK, 10099.

KIRKS, POST OFFICE BOX 202,
CARBON CITY, NEW YORK, 10099.
VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

CARBON CITY, NEW YORK, 10099.
VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.
NOW PLEASE...

BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.
NOW PLEASE...
BUY THIS ALBUM.

NOW PLEASE...
BUY THIS ALBUM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CRICKETS CHIRP, DOG BARKS...]

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS...]

[CHIRPING CONTINUES]

[CLOCK TICKS]

[TICKING CONTINUES]

[WHISPERING] WAKE UP.

[SCREAMING]

YOU'RE GOING...
SKIING.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS...]

[APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THOSE WONDERFUL
ARTISTS SAM AND DAVE.

GENTLEMEN, THOSE WONDERFUL
ARTISTS SAM AND DAVE.
["SOUL MAN" PLAYS]

ARTISTS SAM AND DAVE.
["SOUL MAN" PLAYS]
[♪...]

♪ I'M COMING TO YOU
ON A DUSTY ROAD ♪
♪ I GOT GOOD LOVING,

ON A DUSTY ROAD ♪
♪ I GOT GOOD LOVING,
I GOT A TRUCK LOAD ♪

♪ I GOT GOOD LOVING,
I GOT A TRUCK LOAD ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU GET IT,

I GOT A TRUCK LOAD ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU GET IT,
YOU GOT SOMETHIN' ♪

♪ AND WHEN YOU GET IT,
YOU GOT SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY

YOU GOT SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY
'CAUSE I'M COMING ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WORRY
'CAUSE I'M COMING ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

'CAUSE I'M COMING ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ YES, I AM ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ YES, I AM ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, BABY ♪

♪ YES, I AM ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, BABY ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, OH ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, BABY ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, OH ♪
♪ I GOT WHAT I GOT

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, OH ♪
♪ I GOT WHAT I GOT
THE HARD WAY ♪

♪ I GOT WHAT I GOT
THE HARD WAY ♪
♪ I GOT TO MAKE BETTER,

THE HARD WAY ♪
♪ I GOT TO MAKE BETTER,
EACH AND EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I GOT TO MAKE BETTER,
EACH AND EVERY DAY ♪
♪ OH, HONEY,

EACH AND EVERY DAY ♪
♪ OH, HONEY,
SAID DON'T YOU FRET ♪

♪ OH, HONEY,
SAID DON'T YOU FRET ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T SEEN,

SAID DON'T YOU FRET ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T SEEN,
NO, NOTHING YET ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T SEEN,
NO, NOTHING YET ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

NO, NOTHING YET ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ OH... I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ OH... I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ COME ON... ♪

♪ OH... I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ COME ON... ♪
♪ YES, I AM ♪

♪ COME ON... ♪
♪ YES, I AM ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ YES, I AM ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, HEY ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, HEY ♪
♪ I WAS BROUGHT UP

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, HEY ♪
♪ I WAS BROUGHT UP
ON A SIDE STREET... LOOK ♪

♪ I WAS BROUGHT UP
ON A SIDE STREET... LOOK ♪
♪ I LEARNED HOW TO LOVE

ON A SIDE STREET... LOOK ♪
♪ I LEARNED HOW TO LOVE
BEFORE I COULD EAT ♪

♪ I LEARNED HOW TO LOVE
BEFORE I COULD EAT ♪
♪ I WAS EDUCATED AT WOODSTOCK ♪

BEFORE I COULD EAT ♪
♪ I WAS EDUCATED AT WOODSTOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I START LOVIN',

♪ I WAS EDUCATED AT WOODSTOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I START LOVIN',
OH, I CAN'T STOP ♪

♪ WHEN I START LOVIN',
OH, I CAN'T STOP ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

OH, I CAN'T STOP ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ YES, I AM ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ YES, I AM ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, BABY ♪

♪ YES, I AM ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, BABY ♪
♪ I'M YOUR SOUL MAN, OH ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN, BABY ♪
♪ I'M YOUR SOUL MAN, OH ♪
♪ JUST THROW OUT THE ROPE ♪

♪ I'M YOUR SOUL MAN, OH ♪
♪ JUST THROW OUT THE ROPE ♪
♪ LET ME PULL YOU IN, SAID... ♪

♪ JUST THROW OUT THE ROPE ♪
♪ LET ME PULL YOU IN, SAID... ♪
♪ I'LL GIVE YOU HOPE,

♪ LET ME PULL YOU IN, SAID... ♪
♪ I'LL GIVE YOU HOPE,
I SAID, BE YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND ♪

♪ I'LL GIVE YOU HOPE,
I SAID, BE YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

I SAID, BE YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
[♪...]

♪ YEAH ♪
[♪...]
COME ON, GREGORY!

[♪...]
COME ON, GREGORY!
♪ I'M TALKIN' ABOUT A... ♪

COME ON, GREGORY!
♪ I'M TALKIN' ABOUT A... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M TALKIN' ABOUT A... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ TELL ME ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I GOTTA BE YOUR... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I GOTTA BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I GOTTA BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ WILL YOU LET ME... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ WILL YOU LET ME... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ WILL YOU LET ME... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I GOTTA... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I GOTTA... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN, YEAH ♪

♪ I GOTTA... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN, YEAH ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN, YEAH ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN, BABE ♪

♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN, BABE ♪
♪ I WANNA ♪

♪ SOUL MAN, BABE ♪
♪ I WANNA ♪
♪ HELP ME ♪

♪ I WANNA ♪
♪ HELP ME ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪

♪ HELP ME ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I GOTTA... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I GOTTA... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I GOTTA... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪

♪ BE YOUR... ♪
♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ AHH... ♪

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ AHH... ♪
♪ OH ♪

♪ AHH... ♪
♪ OH ♪
[♪...]

CHOCOLATE... I'M TALKIN' TO YOU.
I NEED A LITTLE HELP
THIS EVENING.

I NEED A LITTLE HELP
THIS EVENING.
♪ AND I WANT YOU TO PUT

THIS EVENING.
♪ AND I WANT YOU TO PUT
YOUR HANDS TOGETHER ♪

♪ AND I WANT YOU TO PUT
YOUR HANDS TOGETHER ♪
♪ AND I WANT YOU TO HELP US,

YOUR HANDS TOGETHER ♪
♪ AND I WANT YOU TO HELP US,
SON, HELP ME GET IN THE GROOVE ♪

♪ AND I WANT YOU TO HELP US,
SON, HELP ME GET IN THE GROOVE ♪
♪ AND GET Y'ALL TO HELP ME

SON, HELP ME GET IN THE GROOVE ♪
♪ AND GET Y'ALL TO HELP ME
OUT THIS EVENING ♪

♪ AND GET Y'ALL TO HELP ME
OUT THIS EVENING ♪
[♪...]

OUT THIS EVENING ♪
[♪...]
♪ I'M READY ♪

[♪...]
♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY ♪

♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪

♪ READY ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY, WHOO ♪

♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY, WHOO ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪

♪ READY, WHOO ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪

♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ ARE WE READY? ♪

♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ ARE WE READY? ♪
♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪

♪ ARE WE READY? ♪
♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY, YEAH, YEAH, ♪

♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY, YEAH, YEAH, ♪
♪ I'M READY, Y'ALL ♪

♪ READY, YEAH, YEAH, ♪
♪ I'M READY, Y'ALL ♪
♪ READY ♪

♪ I'M READY, Y'ALL ♪
♪ READY ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪

♪ READY ♪
♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY ♪

♪ I'M READY ♪
♪ READY ♪
♪ OH ♪

♪ READY ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ COME ON NOW, HEY ♪

♪ OH ♪
♪ COME ON NOW, HEY ♪
♪ OH ♪

♪ COME ON NOW, HEY ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ OW... WHOO ♪

♪ OH ♪
♪ OW... WHOO ♪
[♪...]

♪ OW... WHOO ♪
[♪...]
♪ OH ♪

[♪...]
♪ OH ♪
♪ OH, BANG THAT GONG ♪

♪ OH ♪
♪ OH, BANG THAT GONG ♪
♪ READY ♪

♪ OH, BANG THAT GONG ♪
♪ READY ♪
♪ OH... NO, NO ♪

♪ READY ♪
♪ OH... NO, NO ♪
[♪...]

♪ OH... NO, NO ♪
[♪...]
THANK YOU!

[♪...]
THANK YOU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC ENDS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC ENDS]
THANK YOU.

[MUZAK PLAYS]

YOU WANT HAND CREAM?
NO, THANK YOU.
AH, YOU KNOW, ALI MacGRAW,

NO, THANK YOU.
AH, YOU KNOW, ALI MacGRAW,
SHE COMES INTO SARDI'S,

AH, YOU KNOW, ALI MacGRAW,
SHE COMES INTO SARDI'S,
YOU KNOW.

SHE COMES INTO SARDI'S,
YOU KNOW.
SHE DON'T USE HAND CREAM EITHER,

YOU KNOW.
SHE DON'T USE HAND CREAM EITHER,
BUT YOU KNOW, SHE'S GOT LOVELY

SHE DON'T USE HAND CREAM EITHER,
BUT YOU KNOW, SHE'S GOT LOVELY
HANDS FOR A 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

BUT YOU KNOW, SHE'S GOT LOVELY
HANDS FOR A 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
BUT, I'LL TELL YOU, YOU KNOW,

HANDS FOR A 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
BUT, I'LL TELL YOU, YOU KNOW,
LIZA WITH A "Z," SHE COMES IN

BUT, I'LL TELL YOU, YOU KNOW,
LIZA WITH A "Z," SHE COMES IN
HERE, SHE USES HAND CREAM BUT

LIZA WITH A "Z," SHE COMES IN
HERE, SHE USES HAND CREAM BUT
SHE STAYS IN THE STALL A REAL

HERE, SHE USES HAND CREAM BUT
SHE STAYS IN THE STALL A REAL
LONG TIME.

SHE STAYS IN THE STALL A REAL
LONG TIME.
[LAUGHTER]

LONG TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU WANT HAIRSPRAY?

[LAUGHTER]
YOU WANT HAIRSPRAY?
NO.

YOU WANT HAIRSPRAY?
NO.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE

NO.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE
COMES IN HERE?

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE
COMES IN HERE?
SHELLEY HACK, SHE COMES IN HERE.

COMES IN HERE?
SHELLEY HACK, SHE COMES IN HERE.
SHE WAS THE CHARLIE GIRL, AND

SHELLEY HACK, SHE COMES IN HERE.
SHE WAS THE CHARLIE GIRL, AND
NOW SHE'S A CHARLIE'S ANGEL

SHE WAS THE CHARLIE GIRL, AND
NOW SHE'S A CHARLIE'S ANGEL
BUT THEY'RE GONNA GET RID OF

NOW SHE'S A CHARLIE'S ANGEL
BUT THEY'RE GONNA GET RID OF
HER, YOU KNOW?

BUT THEY'RE GONNA GET RID OF
HER, YOU KNOW?
YOU WANT SOME EAU DE TOILETTE?

HER, YOU KNOW?
YOU WANT SOME EAU DE TOILETTE?
NO.

YOU WANT SOME EAU DE TOILETTE?
NO.
[MUZAK CONTINUES]

NO.
[MUZAK CONTINUES]
THANKS, MISS.

[MUZAK CONTINUES]
THANKS, MISS.
50 CENTS, NOT BAD.

OOH, EXCUSE ME.
I ALWAYS FORGET WHETHER IT'S THE
DOOR WITH THE BIG HAT OR THE

I ALWAYS FORGET WHETHER IT'S THE
DOOR WITH THE BIG HAT OR THE
DOOR WITH THE LITTLE SHOE.

DOOR WITH THE BIG HAT OR THE
DOOR WITH THE LITTLE SHOE.
I'M SORRY.

DOOR WITH THE LITTLE SHOE.
I'M SORRY.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,

I'M SORRY.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE... KIRK DOUGLAS!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE... KIRK DOUGLAS!
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE... KIRK DOUGLAS!
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT ME.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT ME.
YEAH, YEAH, COME HERE,

YOU GOT ME.
YEAH, YEAH, COME HERE,
COME HERE, COME HERE...

YEAH, YEAH, COME HERE,
COME HERE, COME HERE...
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT...?

COME HERE, COME HERE...
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT...?
WAIT A MINUTE, SIGN THIS.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT...?
WAIT A MINUTE, SIGN THIS.
SIGN THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE, SIGN THIS.
SIGN THIS.
EVERYBODY FAMOUS WHO COMES INTO

SIGN THIS.
EVERYBODY FAMOUS WHO COMES INTO
MY LOUNGE, THEY SIGN

EVERYBODY FAMOUS WHO COMES INTO
MY LOUNGE, THEY SIGN
THEIR AUTOGRAPH.

MY LOUNGE, THEY SIGN
THEIR AUTOGRAPH.
LOOK AT THESE HERE... I GOT

THEIR AUTOGRAPH.
LOOK AT THESE HERE... I GOT
LAUREN BACALL, PRINCESS LEE

LOOK AT THESE HERE... I GOT
LAUREN BACALL, PRINCESS LEE
RADZIWELL, BROOKE SHIELDS,

LAUREN BACALL, PRINCESS LEE
RADZIWELL, BROOKE SHIELDS,
BROOKE SHIELDS' MOTHER.

RADZIWELL, BROOKE SHIELDS,
BROOKE SHIELDS' MOTHER.
LOOK AT THIS ONE...

BROOKE SHIELDS' MOTHER.
LOOK AT THIS ONE...
LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THIS ONE...
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS VIVIAN VANCE.

LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS VIVIAN VANCE.
IT'S THE LAST PAPER TOWEL SHE

THIS IS VIVIAN VANCE.
IT'S THE LAST PAPER TOWEL SHE
SIGNED BEFORE SHE DIED.

IT'S THE LAST PAPER TOWEL SHE
SIGNED BEFORE SHE DIED.
WELL, LOOK...

SIGNED BEFORE SHE DIED.
WELL, LOOK...
I DON'T HAVE A PEN.

WELL, LOOK...
I DON'T HAVE A PEN.
OH, I GOT A PEN.

I DON'T HAVE A PEN.
OH, I GOT A PEN.
WAIT A MINUTE, COME HERE, COME

OH, I GOT A PEN.
WAIT A MINUTE, COME HERE, COME
HERE, COME HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE, COME HERE, COME
HERE, COME HERE.
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

HERE, COME HERE.
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.
SIGN IT, RIGHT THERE.

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.
SIGN IT, RIGHT THERE.
YOU'RE MY FIRST MAN.

SIGN IT, RIGHT THERE.
YOU'RE MY FIRST MAN.
SIGN IT "TO ARLEEN."

YOU'RE MY FIRST MAN.
SIGN IT "TO ARLEEN."
THAT'S A-R-L-E-DOUBLE E-N.

SIGN IT "TO ARLEEN."
THAT'S A-R-L-E-DOUBLE E-N.
OH, YOU HAVE FOUR "E's" IN

THAT'S A-R-L-E-DOUBLE E-N.
OH, YOU HAVE FOUR "E's" IN
YOUR NAME, HUH?

OH, YOU HAVE FOUR "E's" IN
YOUR NAME, HUH?
NO, I DON'T.

YOUR NAME, HUH?
NO, I DON'T.
DO IT RIGHT, DO IT RIGHT.

NO, I DON'T.
DO IT RIGHT, DO IT RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT... DO IT RIGHT.

DO IT RIGHT, DO IT RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT... DO IT RIGHT.
JUST SIGN THAT ON THERE.

ALL RIGHT... DO IT RIGHT.
JUST SIGN THAT ON THERE.
Both: "TO ARLEEN."

JUST SIGN THAT ON THERE.
Both: "TO ARLEEN."
ARLEEN, RIGHT, ARLEEN.

Both: "TO ARLEEN."
ARLEEN, RIGHT, ARLEEN.
OH, THANKS A LOT, THANKS A LOT.

ARLEEN, RIGHT, ARLEEN.
OH, THANKS A LOT, THANKS A LOT.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A

OH, THANKS A LOT, THANKS A LOT.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE... WAIT, WAIT.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE... WAIT, WAIT.
YOU WANT SOME HAND CREAM?

MINUTE... WAIT, WAIT.
YOU WANT SOME HAND CREAM?
NO, NO, NO.

YOU WANT SOME HAND CREAM?
NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ABOUT SOME HAIRSPRAY?

NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ABOUT SOME HAIRSPRAY?
WANT SOME HAIRSPRAY?

WHAT ABOUT SOME HAIRSPRAY?
WANT SOME HAIRSPRAY?
NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU.

WANT SOME HAIRSPRAY?
NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU.
WAIT, COME HERE, COME HERE.

NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU.
WAIT, COME HERE, COME HERE.
LOOK, ARLEEN, I BETTER LEAVE

WAIT, COME HERE, COME HERE.
LOOK, ARLEEN, I BETTER LEAVE
BEFORE I GET MYSELF ARRESTED.

LOOK, ARLEEN, I BETTER LEAVE
BEFORE I GET MYSELF ARRESTED.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUST DO ME A

BEFORE I GET MYSELF ARRESTED.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUST DO ME A
FAVOR... COULD YOU LOOK INTO MY

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUST DO ME A
FAVOR... COULD YOU LOOK INTO MY
EYES AND SAY, "WE'LL ALWAYS

FAVOR... COULD YOU LOOK INTO MY
EYES AND SAY, "WE'LL ALWAYS
HAVE PARIS?"

EYES AND SAY, "WE'LL ALWAYS
HAVE PARIS?"
[LAUGHTER]

HAVE PARIS?"
[LAUGHTER]
[STAMMERING] W-WHY WOULD I

[LAUGHTER]
[STAMMERING] W-WHY WOULD I
WANT TO SAY THAT?

[STAMMERING] W-WHY WOULD I
WANT TO SAY THAT?
YOU SAID IT TO

WANT TO SAY THAT?
YOU SAID IT TO
INGRID BERGMAN.

YOU SAID IT TO
INGRID BERGMAN.
IF YOU SAID IT TO HER, YOU CAN

INGRID BERGMAN.
IF YOU SAID IT TO HER, YOU CAN
SAY IT TO ME.

IF YOU SAID IT TO HER, YOU CAN
SAY IT TO ME.
NO, NO, NO.

SAY IT TO ME.
NO, NO, NO.
BOGART SAID IT TO HER.

NO, NO, NO.
BOGART SAID IT TO HER.
ALL RIGHT... ALL RIGHT.

BOGART SAID IT TO HER.
ALL RIGHT... ALL RIGHT.
COULD YOU LOOK IN MY EYES AND

ALL RIGHT... ALL RIGHT.
COULD YOU LOOK IN MY EYES AND
SAY, "FRANKLY, ARLEEN, I DON'T

COULD YOU LOOK IN MY EYES AND
SAY, "FRANKLY, ARLEEN, I DON'T
GIVE A DAMN"?

SAY, "FRANKLY, ARLEEN, I DON'T
GIVE A DAMN"?
CLARK GABLE SAID THAT AND,

GIVE A DAMN"?
CLARK GABLE SAID THAT AND,
FRANKLY, ARLEEN, I GOTTA GET

CLARK GABLE SAID THAT AND,
FRANKLY, ARLEEN, I GOTTA GET
NEXT DOOR.

FRANKLY, ARLEEN, I GOTTA GET
NEXT DOOR.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT

NEXT DOOR.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
FAMOUS FOR?

A MINUTE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
FAMOUS FOR?
OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

FAMOUS FOR?
OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I WAS... I HAD MY EYE SCRATCHED

OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I WAS... I HAD MY EYE SCRATCHED
OUT IN THE VIKINGS, I WAS

I WAS... I HAD MY EYE SCRATCHED
OUT IN THE VIKINGS, I WAS
CRUCIFIED IN SPARTACUS...

OUT IN THE VIKINGS, I WAS
CRUCIFIED IN SPARTACUS...
I CUT MY EAR OFF

CRUCIFIED IN SPARTACUS...
I CUT MY EAR OFF
IN LUST FOR LIFE.

I CUT MY EAR OFF
IN LUST FOR LIFE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT WHO'D

IN LUST FOR LIFE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT WHO'D
YOU KISS?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT WHO'D
YOU KISS?
WELL, I MADE LOVE TO FARRAH

YOU KISS?
WELL, I MADE LOVE TO FARRAH
FAWCETT IN SATURN 3.

WELL, I MADE LOVE TO FARRAH
FAWCETT IN SATURN 3.
OH, YEAH, SHE COMES IN HERE.

FAWCETT IN SATURN 3.
OH, YEAH, SHE COMES IN HERE.
SHE DON'T USE HAND CREAM.

OH, YEAH, SHE COMES IN HERE.
SHE DON'T USE HAND CREAM.
YEAH, I KNOW.

SHE DON'T USE HAND CREAM.
YEAH, I KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
Woman: ARLEEN...

[LAUGHTER]
Woman: ARLEEN...
UH, COULD YOU ASK HIM TO LEAVE?

Woman: ARLEEN...
UH, COULD YOU ASK HIM TO LEAVE?
IT'S REAL HARD TO... DO ANYTHING

UH, COULD YOU ASK HIM TO LEAVE?
IT'S REAL HARD TO... DO ANYTHING
KNOWING KIRK DOUGLAS

IT'S REAL HARD TO... DO ANYTHING
KNOWING KIRK DOUGLAS
IS OUT THERE.

KNOWING KIRK DOUGLAS
IS OUT THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, OK, OK, OK.

IS OUT THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, OK, OK, OK.
I'M VERY SORRY.

YEAH, YEAH, OK, OK, OK.
I'M VERY SORRY.
JUST COME HERE, COME HERE.

I'M VERY SORRY.
JUST COME HERE, COME HERE.
I... I JUST WANT TO

JUST COME HERE, COME HERE.
I... I JUST WANT TO
GIVE YOU THIS.

I... I JUST WANT TO
GIVE YOU THIS.
OH... THAT'S VERY

GIVE YOU THIS.
OH... THAT'S VERY
SWEET OF YOU.

OH... THAT'S VERY
SWEET OF YOU.
OH. [CHUCKLES]

SWEET OF YOU.
OH. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]

OH. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTER]
[YELPS] REMEMBER, THOSE FAT

[LAUGHTER]
[YELPS] REMEMBER, THOSE FAT
BELLIES WITH THE BIG CIGARS

[YELPS] REMEMBER, THOSE FAT
BELLIES WITH THE BIG CIGARS
AIN'T GONNA MAKE A MONKEY

BELLIES WITH THE BIG CIGARS
AIN'T GONNA MAKE A MONKEY
OUT OF ME!

AIN'T GONNA MAKE A MONKEY
OUT OF ME!
WOW. [SIGHS]

OUT OF ME!
WOW. [SIGHS]
WOWEE, WOWEE, WOW, WOW, WOW!

WOW. [SIGHS]
WOWEE, WOWEE, WOW, WOW, WOW!
WAS THAT REALLY KIRK DOUGLAS?

WOWEE, WOWEE, WOW, WOW, WOW!
WAS THAT REALLY KIRK DOUGLAS?
WHAT WAS HE LIKE?

WAS THAT REALLY KIRK DOUGLAS?
WHAT WAS HE LIKE?
OH, HE'S A REAL MAN.

WHAT WAS HE LIKE?
OH, HE'S A REAL MAN.
HE'S A GREAT KISSER.

OH, HE'S A REAL MAN.
HE'S A GREAT KISSER.
HE'S VERY...

HE'S A GREAT KISSER.
HE'S VERY...
WAIT, DON'T DO THAT.

HE'S VERY...
WAIT, DON'T DO THAT.
THAT'S KIRK'S AUT...

WAIT, DON'T DO THAT.
THAT'S KIRK'S AUT...
NO... THAT'S VIVIAN VANCE.

THAT'S KIRK'S AUT...
NO... THAT'S VIVIAN VANCE.
SHE DID THAT BEFORE SHE DIED.

NO... THAT'S VIVIAN VANCE.
SHE DID THAT BEFORE SHE DIED.
NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT, IT'S

SHE DID THAT BEFORE SHE DIED.
NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT, IT'S
LAUREN BACALL.

NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT, IT'S
LAUREN BACALL.
OH, STOP IT!

LAUREN BACALL.
OH, STOP IT!
[APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
YOU'RE ALL WONDERFUL.
I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU'RE ALL WONDERFUL.
I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
TO ME, IT'S A MIRACLE THAT THEY

I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
TO ME, IT'S A MIRACLE THAT THEY
CAN DO THIS SHOW, BUT THEY DID

TO ME, IT'S A MIRACLE THAT THEY
CAN DO THIS SHOW, BUT THEY DID
TELL ME THAT, SOONER OR LATER,

CAN DO THIS SHOW, BUT THEY DID
TELL ME THAT, SOONER OR LATER,
IT'S 1:00.

TELL ME THAT, SOONER OR LATER,
IT'S 1:00.
AND HERE IT IS, 1:00,

IT'S 1:00.
AND HERE IT IS, 1:00,
AND IT IS OVER.

AND HERE IT IS, 1:00,
AND IT IS OVER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, ♪...]

[♪...]