Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 47, Episode 3 - Rami Malek/Young Thug - full transcript
AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THE
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING.
I PREFER TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS
AND I HANDLE PUBLIC RELATIONS
FOR THE NFL.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO SWITCH
JOBS, LET ME KNOW.
NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT THE
COMMISSIONER TO ADDRESS THIS
WEEK'S SCANDAL
THIS IS NOT THE NFL DRAFT, BUT
IT'S STILL OKAY TO BOO HIM
ROGER GOODELL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ BOOS ]
YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BOO.
GOOD EVENING
HI, I'M ROGER GOODELL.
WHEN YOU SEE ME ON TV, IT'S
NEVER GOOD
THIS TIME, ONE OF OUR COACHES IS
ACCUSED OF RACISM, MISOGYNY, AND
HOMOPHOBIA
BUT HEY, AT LEAST NO ONE'S
TALKING ABOUT CONCUSSIONS.
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE
EMAILS SENT BY RAIDERS COACH
JON GRUDEN WERE HORRIFYING AND
DEEPLY OFFENSIVE, ESPECIALLY TO
ME
I WAS REFERRED TO AS THE F-WORD,
THE P-WORD, THE C-WORD, THE
R-WORD, THE F'ing R-WORD, THE
F'ing R-WORD P-WORD.
ONCE, WEIRDLY, I WAS CALLED A
DILL
THAT WAS KIND OF SWEET
BUT I ASSURE YOU THA
ALL 32 TEAMS UNDERSTAND THAT
DIVERSITY IS OUR STRENGTH.
AND I KNOW OUR BLACK COACHES
WOULD AGREE, BOTH THEM
NOW COACH GRUDEN HAS ASKED TO
SAY A FEW WORDS.
I SAID, BAD IDEA
BUT HE GOT ON HIS KNEES AND
BEGGED AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I
HATE TO SEE SOMEONE KNEELING
LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR
COACH GRUDEN
THANK YOU, ROGER.
I'M SORRY TO ALL THE RAIDERS
FANS OUT THERE
HOPE YOU WON'T JUDGE ME ON ONE
EMAIL I SENT 10 YEARS AGO, OR
THE 20 EMAILS I SENT LAST
TUESDAY.
I PROMISE I DON'T HAVE A RACIST
BONE IN MY BODY.
WHEN A CALLED AN AFRICAN
AMERICAN PLAYER DARK E
THAN A SKY WITH NO STARS, I
PROMISE YOU, THAT WAS IN NO WAY
RACIAL
THAT WAS REFERRING TO HIS SENSE
OF HUMOR, WHICH IS EXTREMELY
DARK AND EDGY.
BUT THAT SHOW "LOUIE"ON FX -
HEY WHEN'S THE NEXT SEASON
COMING OUT
I ALSO CALLED THE COMMISSIONER
THE GAY F-WORD LIKE A HUNDRED
TIMES.
NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE A STRETCH
BUT IF YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN BURNED
BY AUTO CORRECT.
HEAR ME OUT.
SEE, I'M A BIT OF A NAVAL BUFF
AND I OFTEN SEND MY FRIENDS
EMAILS ABOUT FRIGATES, WHICH ARE
WARSHIPS
I'LL SAY, LOOK AT THAT FLAMING
FRIGATE!
THAT'S WHEN A WARSHIP'S ON FIRE.
OR THAT DUMBASS FRIGATE CAN S MY
D.
THAT'S ABOUT A WARSHIP
PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANOTHER
WARSHIP.
YOU GET IT
MY POINT IS, I NEVER MEANT TO
HURT ANYONE.
I MEANT TO HURT THEM SECRETLY
BEHIND THEIR BACKS
APPEARANCES MATTER, SO I'LL TURN
IT OVER TO A GUY WHO'S ALL ABOUT
APPEARANCES, THE RAIDERS OWNER
MARK DAVIS
HI, FOLKS
MARK DAVIS HERE.
AS MY PLAYERS CALL ME, THE
BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION
NO, NO
OK
LOOK
GUYS, WHAT COACH GRUDEN WROTE
WAS DISGRACEFUL.
WE NEED TO DO A BETTER JOB
WE NEED TO, AS I TELL MY BARBER,
AIM HIGHER
AND TRUST ME, I'VE HEARD ALL THE
JOKES ABOUT MY HAIR AND HOW IT
LOOKS LIKE DONALD TRUMP'S
HAIRCUT GAVE ME A HAIRCUT.
BUT WE'RE MAKING THIS RIGHT AND
MOVING ON.
SO I'M GOING TO TURN IT OVER T
OUR NEW HEAD COACH, LARRY "DON'T
MAKE ME DO THIS" RUCKER.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, GUYS.
IT'S AN HONOR TO TAKE OVER THIS
STORIED FRANCHISE.
AND A REAL SHAME THAT I HAVE TO
IMMEDIATELY RESIGN
THEY JUST FOUND MY EMAILS TOO,
AND THEY ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN
THE OLD COACH'S.
I PUT THE F-WORD IN THE SUBJECT
LINE
I STARTED AN EMAIL CHAIN CALLED
"LET'S RANK THE RACES" AND I
RESPONDED TO ALL OF COACH
GRUDEN'S EMAILS, LOL, THIS IS SO
TRUE AND FUNNY, YOU THE MAN,
GRUDEN
ANYWAY, THANK YOU AND I LOOK
FORWARD TO JOINING
ESPN IN THREE MONTHS
OKAY, HI, EVERYONE!
HI
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I WAS THE EQUIPMENT MANAGER FIVE
MINUTES AGO.
THEN SOMEONE JUST PUSHED ME ON
STAGE AND WHISPERED, YOU THE
COACH NOW!
SO LET ME SAY THIS
LAS VEGAS WILL NOT TOLERATE
MISOGYNY OF ANY KIND
NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL.
I WILL VOUCH FOR THE ENTIRE CITY
ON THAT.
ALSO, I'M RESIGNING IMMEDIATELY.
I SEE REPORTERS DIGGING THROUGH
MY OLD TWEETS, AND THIS WILL NOT
END WELL FOR ME.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DRESSED UP
AS JACKIE CHAN FOR HALLOWEEN
BUT 2019 WAS A DIFFERENT ERA
THANK YOU, AND I'LL THROW IT
OVER TO THE NEW CHAIRMAN OF
WOMEN'S RELATIONS FOR THE NFL,
A CHEERLEADER FOR THE WASHINGTON
FOOTBALL TEAM.
THANK YOU
THANK YOU.
I LIKE MY TEAM DON'T HAVE A
NAME
I WANT TO SAY, THE E-MAILS JON
GRUDEN SENT TO OUR ORGANIZATION
DO NOT REFLECT THE VALUES OF OUR
TEAM, A TEAM THAT UNTIL A YEAR
AGO WAS CALLED THE REDSKINS.
I ALSO WANT TO THANK TO WOMEN
WHO FELT OFFEND BY THE E-MAILS
LIGHTEN UP
THEY'RE FUNNY.
IT WAS A NAME OF THE FIRST
FEMALE REFEREE AND SHE WAS
THINKING, WAIT A MINUTE, THIS
ISN'T MY KITCHEN
THAT'S FUNNY
JUST RELAX
NOW TO SOOTHE EVERYTHING OVER
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
MASCOT
WE'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS
CHLG WE'RE USING WHITE
STEREOTYPES.
PLEASE WELCOME GIUSEPPE, THE
STIPGY ITALIAN
HEY
WHAT'S THAT SPICY FOOD IS ALL
ABOUT.
ITALIANS MAKING THE MEET BALLS
AND DOING A PIZZA.
I SO SORRY, I CANNOT DO THIS
THIS DON'T FEEL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF NOT RIGHT, HI,
I'M COLIN KAEPERNICK
REMEMBER ME?
SO MUCH STUFF COMING OUT ABOUT
THE NFL MAYBE RACIST, KIND OF.
HUH.
I WONDER IF ANYBODY TRIED TO
WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THIS BEFORE.
I'M SCRATCHING MY HEAD TRYING TO
REMEMBER WHO SAID THAT
SCRATCH, SCRATCH
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THAT'S THE
REASON THEY BANNED ME FROM THE
LEAGUE
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT WAS JUST YOUR WEIRD
HAIR CUT
BUT GOOD NEWS.
I THINK WE MAY HAVE FOUND A
SOLUTION THAT MAKES EVERYONE
HAPPY.
SOMEONE EVEN TWITTER CAN GET
BEHIND
INTRODUCING OUR NEW HEAD COACH,
LAVAR BURTON
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SUCK IT, MAYIM BIALIK.
I AM THE SUPREME FOOTBALL HOST
NOW.
I WILL TAKE OFFENSE FOR 300.
WHAT IS A HANDOFF?
I'M GENUINELY ASKING
I'M A THEATER KID, COME ON
HA HA HA!
SO YEAH, I THINK THE NFL IS
GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
TAKE US OUT, LEVAR
♪ FIELD GOAL IN THE SKY
I AM THE HEAD COACH GU
JUST TAKE A LOOK IN TH
PLAYBOOK ♪
♪ WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBAL
WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL
FEEL LIKE PLAYING FOOTBALL ♪
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT
MUSICAL GUEST: YOUNG THUG.
AND YOUR HOST, RAMI MALEK!
RAMI MALEK
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, EVERYONE.
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
MY NAME IS RAMI MALEK AND I'M
HONORED TO BE STANDING ON THIS
STAGE.
YOU KNOW, I PLAYED A LOT OF
DRAMATIC ROLES IN MY CAREER.
MOST RECENTLY THE NEW BOND
VILLAIN.
BUT I DON'T USUALLY DO COMEDY.
YEAH, I TEND TO PLAY THESE
REALLY INTENSE CHARACTERS, WHICH
MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, BECAUSE
PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE WHAT'S
CALLED "ARRESTING VILLAIN FACE."
LIKE THIS IS ME TOTALLY NEUTRAL.
AND I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WOULD
RATHER PLAY THE HERO
BUT WEIRDLY, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
MORE DRAWN TO VILLAINS
I SYMPATHIZE WITH THEM, YOU
KNOW
IN "LION KING.
I'M TEAM SCAR.
I ACTUALLY FOUND SIMBA TO BE
KIND OF ANNOYING
YOU WANT TO BE KING?
YOU'RE LIKE 3 YEARS OLD.
RELAX!
AND IN "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS."
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, THAT POOR
HANNIBAL
THAT LADY JUST KEEPS COMING IN
AND ASKING HIM ALL THESE
QUESTIONS.
IT'S LIKE, LEAVE THE GUY ALONE,
CLARICE!
I THINK A LOT OF VILLAINS ARE
JUST MISUNDERSTOOD
FOR EXAMPLE, JAWS, HUNGRY.
DRACULA, THIRSTY
FRANKENSTEIN, HORNY.
I CAN KEEP GOING
DARTH VADER, IS JUST TRYING TO
RECONNECT WITH HIS SON
FREDDIE KRUGER, ENCOURAGING KIDS
TO DREAM
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NICE TO SEE VILLAINS
FINALLY GETTING SOME RESPECT
DISNEY'S EVEN MADE MOVIES WHERE
THE VILLAIN'S NAME'S ARE IN THE
TITLE.
"CRUELLA."
"MALEFICENT.
"BAMBI."
BUT HONESTLY, I'M HAPPY TO PLAY
THE VILLAIN.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN MOVIES
I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE MY
LIFE
I'M THE SON OF EGYPTIAN
IMMIGRANTS
AND I HAD KIND OF A SHELTERED
CHILDHOOD.
IT WAS SO SHELTERED, I GREW UP
IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY IN
L.A., BUT SOMEHOW I HAD NO IDEA
THAT I LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO
HOLLYWOOD.
SERIOUSLY, AS A KID.
I DREAMED OF GOING TO THE WALK
OF FAME, THE SUNSET STRIP.
I TRULY THOUGHT IT WAS A MILLION
MILES AWAY
IT WAS A 10-MINUTE DRIVE
WELL, IT'S THREE HOURS WITH
TRAFFIC.
BUT IT WAS GREAT
I LOVED GROWING UP THERE WITH MY
FAMILY, MY MOM, MY DAD, MY
SISTER, AND MY TWIN BROTHER.
YES.
YES, I GOT A TWIN BROTHER.
AND YES, HE WILL BE SWAPPING
PLACES WITH ME IN ONE SKETCH
TONIGHT.
AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ONE.
IT MIGHT EVEN BE RIGHT NOW
NO, I'M KIDDING.
IT'S ME.
RAMI
OR IS IT
NO, NO, IT IS.
BUT REALLY, THIS IS SUCH A
SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME
BOTH OF MY SIBLINGS ARE HERE
AND I'M SO PROUD OF THEM
MY BROTHER'S A TEACHER, MY
SISTER'S AN E.R. DOCTOR.
THEY ARE TRULY INCREDIBLE
PEOPLE
AND THEY HAVE DEVOTED THEIR
LIVES TO HELPING OTHERS.
BUT I HAVE AN OSCAR, SO.
KIND OF EVEN
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
YOUNG THUG IS HERE
SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK
♪ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
MED
HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME
I'M PRINCIPAL CARTER
IT'S A BIG DAY HERE AT WEYMOUTH
LOWER SCHOOL, THE BUG ASSEMBLY
MS. MIDAS'S CLASS WILL PRESENT
THEIRBUGS TO THE ENTIRE STUDEN
BODY
AND THEY ARE EXCITED, SORT OF
LIKE BURNING MAN FOR WEIRD KIDS.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, BUGS.
I'M A PRAYING MANTIS, BUT NOT
RELIGIOUS.
I PREY ON PESTS IN THE GARDEN.
I'M A LADYBUG
I CAN HAVE UP TO 20 SPOTS, AND
THAT'S A LOT
I'M A STINKBUG.
MY NASTY ODOR PROTECTS ME FROM
PREDATORS.
AND I'M DADDY LONG LEGS
GREAT
WELL
YOUR COSTUMES ALL LOOK TERRIFIC.
LOOKING FORWARD TO LEARNING A
BIT MORE
LET'S HEAR ABOUT YOUR DIETS
WELL, I EAT WEEDS AND
GRASSES, BUT NOT THE KIND YOU'RE
THINKING
DON'T GET ME IN TROUBLE.
I EAT BUGS, AND IN MY LIFE I
CAN EAT UP TO 5,000.
AND THAT'S A LOT
AND WHAT DOES DADDY LONG LEGS
EAT?
BOYS, BOYS, BOYS
OKAY.
RUSSELL?
CALL ME DADDY
OKAY.
DADDY.
I APPRECIATE THE CREATIVITY, BUT
I'D LOVE TO KNOW SOME MORE ABOUT
YOUR INSECT.
IT'S ALL IN THE NAME.
I'M A FATHER, AND MY LEGS GO ALL
ON FOR WEEKS
OK.
AND DADDY.
I DON'T WANT THAT FROM YOU.
OKAY, RUSSELL
CAN YOU SAY ANY SCIENCE FACTS
ABOUT YOURSELF
SURE.
I'M HOT, I PARTY, I WALK INTO
THE ROOM, AND I AM RESPECTED
NO MORE QUESTIONS!
RUSSELL, YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU
WERE ABOUT TO DO A DEATH DROP,
BUT THEN YOU STOPPED
I GOT SCARED.
I'VE ONLY DONE IT ONCE, AND I
DIDN'T WANT TO SPLIT MY ASS OPEN
IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES
THERE ARE NO JUDGES
YEAH, WHAT IS THIS KID'S
DEAL
HIS DAD IS AN EXEC AT BRAVO,
HIS OTHER DAD IS A REPUBLICAN.
HONESTLY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER HEARD HIM SPEAK.
OH, GOT IT.
I GOT TO SAY THIS FEELS KIND
OF UNFAIR.
HE'S NAMED AFTER HIS LEGS AND
I'M NAMED AFTER STINK.
HONESTLY, JOHNNY, OUT OF ALL
THE SEVENTH GRADE BOYS, YOU
SMELL REALLY GOOD.
THANKS, KEV
ALSO, I COULD HAVE SWORN
RUSSELL WAS ASSIGNED A
COCKROACH.
IT WASN'T A FIT
GUYS, LET'S STAY ON TRACK
DO YOU BUGS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
FOR EACH OTHER
I DO.
HOW DOES THE DADDY LONG LEGS
TRACK ITS PREY.
I SLAM DOWN BY CREDIT CARD ON
GROUND AND SAY, "DADDY'S GOT
IT."
WHY ISN'T THERE A MOMMY LONG
LEGS
SHUT THE HELL UP, GET HER OUT
OF HERE NOW!
I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT
OKAY, OKAY, DAISY, TAKE A
TIME OUT
I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER LATER,
BITCH.
WHO IS HE POINTING TO
I DON'T KNOW.
IS HE PLAYING CHARADES
OKAY, YOU.
DADDY LONG LEGS.
I GOT IT
ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONE OF THE COOL
THINGS ABOUT TODAY IS THAT WE
CAN SEE HOW DIFFERENT BUGS
INTERACT
SINCE YOU'RE SUCH AN ARTISTIC
BUNCH, LET'S SEE HOW DADDY LONG
LEGS AND STINK BUGS MIGHT EXIST
IN NATURE.
AND GO
HI, MR. LONG LEGS, I'M A
STINKBUG
IT'S BEEN AWHILE.
YOU LOOK WORSE
WHO LET YOU IN
WHAT?
OH, STINKBUG, I'VE MISSED
YOU.
I WANT YOUR STINK BACK IN MY
LIFE
LET'S GET REMARRIED.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH
I GUESS WE LET THAT GO ON FOR A
LITTLE BIT OF A WHILE.
I KIND OF GOT LOST IN IT
THE TEAMWORK WAS PRETTY DAMN
GOOD
YOU KNOW, RUSSELL ISN'T THE
ONLY ONE HERE WHO CAN DO COOL
STUFF.
I CAN, TOO
I HAVE CHARISMA.
WELL --
♪ MY NAME IS STINKY
AND I'M HERE TO SA
I EMIT ODO
IN A STINKY WAY ♪
JOHNNY, THAT WAS AMAZING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT MY DAD'S AN EXECUTIVE AT
BRAVO.
WE'RE GETTING YOU A SHOW
WOW, RUSSELL, REALLY?
THAT'S AMAZING
THEN WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE,
ALL OF US, TONIGHT
AND REMEMBER, DADDY'S GOT IT
♪ DON'T GOT A LOT OF MONEY
♪ DRIVE A RUSTED OUT CHEVY
♪ I JUST GOT LAID OFF
♪ BAR TAB AND I PAID OFF.
♪ MY EX-WIFE HATES ME
EVEN HAD TO SELL MY PUPPY ♪
♪ YEAH SO BROKE
IT'S A DAMN SHAM
GUESS I GOTTA PLAY
THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ YEAH I GOTTA PLAY
THE SQUID GAME
MY ONLY OPTION I
THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ I HAVE A NUMBER
NOT A REAL NAM
'CAUSE I'M PLAYING
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ WEIRD CARDS
PINK GUARD
LOCKED US IN A BIG ROOM ♪
♪ THEY'VE GOT SYMBOLS
ON THEIR FACES
LIKE ONES ON PLAYSTATION ♪
♪ AND THE MAIN GU
LOOKS LIKE DOCTOR WHO ♪
♪ BUNK BEDS, NEW FRIEND
PIGGY BANK UP IN THE SKY
THERE'S A ROBOT GIRL
WHO CAUGHT ME RUNNING ♪
♪ BETTER DUCK BEHIN
THE NEAREST GUY ♪
WAIT WHAT
♪ YELLING AT ME IN KOREAN
AND NOTHING IS TRANSLATE
BROKE MY COOKI
AND I GOT ELIMINATED ♪
♪ GOT A CRAZY GIRLFRIEN
THINK SHE MIGH
HAVE STABBED ME ♪
♪ AFTER I WAS HIT
THEY TOOK MY EYEBALL
AND MY KIDNEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ PEOPLE DIE IN THE
RED LIGHT
GREEN LIGHT.
♪ THAT'S THE WAY YOU PLAY
THE SQUID GAME ♪
RED LIGHT
GREEN LIGHT.
♪ THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ 45 MILLION WO
THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF MONE
AT LEAST I THINK IT IS ♪
♪ I'M CONFUSE
BY THE CURRENCY ♪
♪ ANYWAY I'M ON
A GLASS BRIDGE
AND I THINK I'M GONNA WIN ♪
♪ HEY LOOK IT'S MY FRIEND PET
AND YOU GO BYE-BYE NOW ♪
♪ HEY I JUST WO
THE SQUID GAME
KILLED ALL MY FRIEND
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ MY BODY IS COMPLETELY MAIME
WHY THE HELL'D
I PLAY THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ SO I WENT BAC
TO MY HOMETOWN
GOT A COOL RED HAIRCUT ♪
♪ GONNA LIVE MY LIF
BETTER NOW
I'VE GROWN IN SO MANY WAYS ♪
♪ THEN ONE DA
I GOT MORE
THEN I TOOK ALL MY MONEY AND
I BET IT ON THE JETS ♪
♪ GOING BACK TO THE SQUID GAM
I'M TERRIBLE WITH MONE
THE GUARDS THINK
IT'S PRETTY FUNNY ♪
♪ THAT I'M BACK IN THE SQUID
GAME ♪
HE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.
♪ THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A
TOUGH CHOICE ON OUR HANDS.
I KNOW.
I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS DECISION TO
BE SO DIFFICULT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, JORDAN PEELE?
I STILL CAN'T DECIDE, BUT
IT'S DEFINITELY BETWEEN THE LAST
TWO, AGREED.
FOR SURE.
YES, DEFINITELY
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW?
WHY DON'T WE BRING HIM BACK IN
CAN YOU ACCEPTED IN OUR LAST
TWO AUDITIONERS?
WOW.
THIS IS GOING TO BE TOUGH.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU GUYS ARE BY
FAR OUR TOP TWO CHOICES TO PLAY
PRINCE IN MY NEW BIO
WE CAN ONLY PICK ONE.
OF COURSE
RIGHT, RIGHT.
THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS TO
HAVE A PRINCIPLES-OFF.
WHAT IS A PRINCE AFTER OFF?
YES, I'LL CALL OUT SOME
RANDOM SCENES FROM THE SCRIPT.
AND YOU TWO WILL GIVE ME YOUR
ABSOLUTE BEST PRINCE
PERFORMANCE.
AT THE SAME TIME
I CAN DO THAT
ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME PRINCE
DOING A FUNKY LICK ON THE
GUITAR
ACTION
♪
GOOD, GOOD.
NOW, SHOW ME PRINCE GETTING
PELTED IN THE LEGS WITH A
FOOTBALL
♪
GOOD.
NOW DO PRINCE STEPPING ON A
LEGO
♪
WOW, GREAT.
PRINCE IS WITH HIS LOVER AND DID
THAT PREMATURELY
WOW, GREAT.
GREAT, GREAT.
NOW PRINCE GETS IN THE SHOWER
AND THE WATER'S TOO HOT.
♪
LET'S SEE PRINCE GET SHOT IN
THE STOMACH.
♪
OKAY, PRINCE GETS A COVID
TEST BUT THEY GO UP TOO FAR.
♪
NOW PRINCE REALIZES HIS
VIRGIN PINA COLADA ISN'T VIRGIN.
♪
AND CUT
WOW.
HOW DO WE CHOOSE
WOW, I DON'T KNOW
SHOOTING STARTS TOMORROW
SO, IS IT GOING TO BE
RAMI MALEK OR KENAN THOMPSON
I MEAN, RAMI, YOU ALREADY WON
AN OSCAR
YES, THAT IS CORRECT.
BUT YOU ARE BLACK AND RAMI IS
NOT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T THINK
I CAN CAST A WHITE GUY TO PLAY
PRINCE IN MY MOVIE
OH, NO, NO, BUT MY PARENTS
ARE FROM EGYPT AND THAT'S IN
AFRICA
COME ON, MAN.
DON'T DO THAT, UH-UH.
OKAY.
WELL, DOESN'T PRINCE
TRANSCEND RACE
NOT IN THIS MOVIE, NO
YOU SEE THERE'S AN UNEXPECTED
TWIST IN THIS JORDAN PEELE
MOVIE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SEE, IT STARTS OFF AS A
PRINCE BIO-PIC BUT THEN --
IT TURNS INTO A HORROR MOVIE
ABOUT RACISM
DAMMIT, LUCKY GUESS
ANYWAY, KENAN, YOU HAVE THE
PART
HOORAY!
OH, THIS IS BULL CRAP
AM I TOO LATE
AM I TOO LATE FOR THE AUDITION
FOR THE PRINCE
SORRY, DANIEL CRAIG
AND THE AUDITION IS NOT FOR
THE PRINCE
IT'S FOR PRINCE, THE SINGER.
UH-HUH.
DID YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT?
YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WAS A
HORROR MOVIE THAT WAS ABOUT
RACISM
I'M HERE NOW, CAN I AT LEAST
TRY?
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A
GUITAR
FINE, SHOW ME PRINCE SEEING
AN ADORABLE DOG.
♪
BUT THEN IT BITES HIM
♪
OKAY.
SO HE KICKS IT AND MISSES.
♪
HEY, HEY, GET OFF ME,
DOUBLE O -
HOW WAS THAT?
BAD
BUT YOU'RE JAMES BOND, SO YOU
GOT THE PART
♪
HELLO, FOLKS
WELCOME TO "CELEB SCHOOL."
I'M YOUR HOST, BERT SIMPSON.
BERT SIMPSON
AND YOU KNOW THE GAME.
TWO CONTESTANTS TRY TO WIN
$10,000 WITH HELP FROM OUR
CLASSROOM OF CELEBS.
PLAYING TODAY ARE TRISHELLE AND
RYAN
NOW, LET'S MEET OUR CELEBRITY
STUDENTS
WAIT, ARE WE NOT GOING TO DO
INTRO BANTER
OH, NO, YOU TWO ARE BORING.
ALL RIGHT, FROM "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT," IT'S JOHN OLIVER
GAME SHOWS.
AMERICA'S DIRTY LITTLE
OBSESSION.
"GET ME MORE GAME SHOWS, DADDY,
MORE, PLEASE."
OKAY.
FROM "WHITE LOTUS,"
JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
OH, GEEZ!
WHY AM I HERE?
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, GOSH.
NEXT, AN ACTOR WHOSE VOICE
SOUNDS LIKE IT'S BEEN CHANGED TO
PROTECT HIS IDENTITY,
ADAM DRIVER.
HELLO
EXCITING TO BE HERE.
COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE ALSO GOT FUNNY
LADY, KRISTEN WIIG
HEY, HEY!
HEY, MISTER HOST MAN
DUMB
DUMB
WHY DID I SAY THAT
AND STAR TREK LEGEND,
GEORGE TAKEI
HELLO
WELL.
GEORGE, I GOT TO ASK
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT?
THAT DEPENDS ON HOW BAD YOU
WANT IT.
OH, VERY BAD.
OH, MY.
THERE IT IS
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT TO HIM WE HAVE RAPPER,
LIL WAYNE.
I LIKE TO VIBE OUT.
IT'S A LONG GAME, WEEZY
ALL RIGHT, AND THE STAR OF "NO
TIME TO DIE," ACTOR, RAMI MALEK!
ALL RIGHT.
AND FINALLY, FROM "SNL,"
PETE DAVIDSON.
WHAT UP
WHAT UP, YO?
DO I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO
RAMI MALEK
HIS EYES ARE FREAKING ME OUT
STOP STARING AT ME, DUDE
I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THAT
PEOPLE SAY WE LOOK ALIKE
MAYBE.
NO SEE IT.
MAYBE IF I LOOK A LITTLE LONGER.
NO, DUDE.
OKAY.
RYAN, TRISHELLE, YOU KNOW HOW
THE GAME WORKS
I GIVE YOU A SUBJECT, AND YOU
CALL ON THE CELEBRITY STUDENT
YOU THINK WILL KNOW THE ANSWER
RYAN, YOU'RE UP FIRST.
YOUR SUBJECT IS -- GEOGRAPHY
OKAY, WELL HE HAS AN ACCENT
AND GLASSES, WHICH MEANS, HE
GOTTA BE SMART
I CALL ON JOHN OLIVER.
ALL RIGHT, JOHN OLIVER.
SWEDEN IS BORDERED BY NORWAY AND
WHICH OTHER COUNTRY?
WELL, YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT
SWEDEN WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT
IKEA
HOME O
SKETCHY FURNITURE AND EVEN
SKETCHIER MEATBALLS.
THEY'RE NOT BEEF
BAD IKEA
BAD IKEA
OKAY, JOHN, YOUR RANT, THOUGH
AMUSING, CONTAINED NO ANSWER
AND PLEASE, NO MORE OVER THE
SHOULDER GRAPHICS.
ALL RIGHT, TRISHELLE, YOU CAN
STEAL.
OKAY, I'LL CALL ON
JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
OH, GEEZ.
BAD CHOICE, SWEETHEART
I WAS ONLY IN EUROPE ONCE.
I DRANK TOO MUCH, I PASSED OUT
IN A SAUNA LIKE A DUMBASS.
OH, WHERE WAS I?
FINLAND?
THAT IS CORRECT
WOW, TRISHELLE TAKES THAT POINT.
OKAY, NEXT, LET'S -- HEY, HEY,
HEY!
STOP WITH THE PAPER AIRPLANES,
KRISTEN WIGG
I DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING
WHY -- WHY WOULD YOU THINK I
THREW IT
BECAUSE -- BECAUSE YOU'RE
HALF GIGGLING, AND I SAW YOU
THROW IT
I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST BEING
WEIRD.
SORRY.
I MIGHT DO IT AGAIN, THOUGH.
IS THAT BAD?
YES
OKAY
TRISHELLE, YOUR SUBJECT IS --
HISTORY.
I DON'T THINK HE'LL KNOW THE
ANSWER, BECAUSE HE'S DEFINITELY
HIGH AS HELL
BUT I'M A BIG FAN, SO I'M GONNA
CALL ON WEEZY.
YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE
PUZZLE
"WHAT IS THAT BIG FATASS?"
ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS NOT
"WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
NOR IS IT "JEOPARDY!."
ARE YOU READY FOR THE QUESTION,
LIL WAYNE?
AND HE'S GONE.
OKAY
DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE HE WENT?
RAMI MALEK, DID YOU SEE WHERE
WEEZY WENT
NO.
I'VE BEEN STARING AT PETE
DAVIDSON
PLEASE, JUST MAKE HIM STOP.
IT'S LIKE HIS SOUL, HE'S LIKE --
HE'S GOT THE SOUL OF A VICTORIAN
CHILD TRAPPED IN HIS EYES.
YEAH.
YOU'RE NOT WRONG, PETE
OKAY
TRISHELLE, SECOND CHOICE
I'LL CALL ON PETE DAVIDSON.
PASS.
YOU CAN'T PASS, PETE.
ALL RIGHT, YOUR QUESTION --
WHICH REVOLUTIONARY WAR BATTLE
WAS FOUGHT IN YOUR HOMETOWN,
NEW YORK CITY?
I MEAN, HOW WOULD I KNOW
THAT
I WENT TO SCHOOL IN
STATEN ISLAND.
ALL OF OUR CLASSES WERE TO
PREPARE US TO BE FIREFIGHTERS
AND RACIST COPS.
OH, MY.
GEORGE, YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.
I NEED AN ANSWER, PETE
I DON'T KNOW.
CAN I JUST GIVE TRISHELLE
$10,000 AFTER THE SHOW
I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE EASIER
NOT HOW THE GAME WORKS.
OKAY, RYAN, YOUR CHANCE TO
STEAL.
OKAY, LET'S GO WITH
ADAM DRIVER.
GOOD.
YES.
LET'S HAVE FUN PLAYING THE GAME.
OKAY, ADAM
WHICH REVOLUTIONARY BATTLE WAS
FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY?
I DON'T KNOW, SO I'M NOT
GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION
CALM DOWN
ANY OF OUR OTHER CELEBS THINK
THEY KNOW?
OH, GEORGE TAKEI HAS HIS HAND
UP
YOU GOT AN ANSWER?
NO, I HAVE A QUESTION
WHY DID WILLIAM SHATNER GET TO
GO TO SPACE AND NOT ME
LET SULU GO TO THE MOON.
I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT UP TO
ME, GEORGE
AND NOT THAT ANYONE CARES, BUT
THE ANSWER WAS BROOKLYN.
THE BATTLE OF BROOKLYN WAS
FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY.
YEAH, WHERE THE PLANE GO AT
THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"
WEEZY.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A
QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK
COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT
THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"
WEEZY.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A
QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK
COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOUNG THUG
♪ OKAY I JUST WOKE UP
IN AN ANIMAL
I JUST WOKE UP IN A LAMBO'
FLAWLESS BAGUETTES AND ♪
♪ THE ORANGE RICHAR
I JUST HAD BUST DOWN
A CANTALOUPE
WANT BEEF AND ♪
♪ I'M TRYNA BE VEGA
BUT IT BAE
BRING A CAN OF SMOKE
I CAN'T SEE IN ♪
♪ THE GLASSES STORE
SLIDIN' IN THE COUPE
IN THE BAC
SMOKE OUT THE BAG ♪
♪ TOO BIG FOR A SAC
DO YOU SEE HER BABY HAIR
GROWING DOWN HER BAC
SHAWTY LOOK JUST LIK
A TWO-YEAR-OLD BRAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE A RECOR
GET SCRATCHE
Y'ALL RATS DISPATC
I GOT FOUR BLACKS ♪
♪ IN HER BACK I'M DAD
PLAYER WHERE YOU FRO
TALK 'BOUT THE TRENCHE
I CAME OUT THE TRENCHES ♪
♪ I CAME FROM THE ROACHES
I CAME FROM THE RICHES
I'M FROM WHERE THEY CALL YOU
A RAT IF YOU SNITCHIN' ♪
♪ I CAME FROM THE SAM
STREET AS THE PIMP I
I'M RAISED BY THEM JUNKIES
WE SLEEP WITH THEM ♪
♪ YOUNG CAME FROM NOTHIN'
HE'LL GIVE UP HIS KIDNEY
BUT SAINT LAURENT STILL TRYN
CEASE-AND-DESIST IT WOO ♪
♪ SAY, "HOW DO YOU KEEP
UP WITH MILLIONS
I'M STRAIGHT OUT
THE TRENCHES WOO ♪
♪ SAY LET GO THEY
WE TREATIN' THEM RIGHT AND
WE GRANTIN' THEY WISHES WO
I WAS A CAPO IN MY ♪
♪ HOOD WAY 'FORE
PLAQUE OR A MENTIO
HE CAN GET HIT WIT
THE 'STENSION ♪
♪ SHOT FOR THE FO
BUT I MISSED I
TICK TOCK TICK TOC
TEN SHOTS TO YOUR SIDE ♪
♪ LIKE TICK TOC
WHEN I BOW DOWN TO M
IT COME WITH A BIG ROC
DO YOU WAN' KNOW HOW IT IS ♪
♪ WHEN YOU A BIG DAWG
YOU MIGHT GOT TO
YOU MIGHT GOT TO
TAKE THE ASSIS
LET YOUR DAWG GET ♪
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
THANK YOU
GOOD EVENING
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S
CLIMATE PLAN IS LIKELY TO BE
DROPPED FROM THE BUDGET BILL
AFTER SENATOR JOE MANCHIN
REFUSED TO SUPPORT IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME BAD
CLIMATE NEWS RUIN THIS BEAUTIFUL
80 DEGREE OCTOBER DAY.
MANCHIN, WHO'S FROM WEST
VIRGINIA, SAID HE WOULD ONLY
AGREE TO BIDEN'S BILL IF IT CUTS
CLEAN ENERGY AND OFFICIALLY
MAKES COAL ONE OF THE FIVE FOOD
GROUPS
A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON AVERAGE
22 MINUTES LATE FOR PUBLIC
EVENTS
WORSE, HE ONLY DOES IT TO APPEAL
TO BLACK VOTERS.
THE BROOKLYN NETS HAVE
BENCHED STAR PLAYER KYRIE IRVING
FROM THE TEAM UNTIL HE'S FINALLY
VACCINATED
AND AS A NEW YORK SPORTS FAN I
HOPE THIS DECISION FINALLY
FORCES KYRIE TO DO THE RIGHT
THING AND BUY A FAKE VACCINATION
CARD
LOGISTICAL DELAYS CAUSED BY
WORKER SHORTAGES AND COVID
OUTBREAKS HAVE DOUBLED THE TIME
IT TAKES FOR SOME PRODUCTS TO
GET FROM ASIA TO THE U.S
THIS MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT
COULD WE USE BATS?
'CAUSE THE LAST TIME THEY PUT
SOMETHING IN BATS, IT GOT
EVERYWHERE REAL QUICK.
OH, YOU'RE PRO-BAT HERE?
OKAY
TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY
PETE BUTTIGIEG IS BEING
CRITICIZED FOR REMAINING ON
PATERNITY LEAVE WITH HIS HUSBAND
AND CHILD WHILE SUPPLY CHAIN
PROBLEMS THREATEN THE HOLIDAY
SHOPPING SEASON.
SAID CONSERVATIVES, SEE, YOU LET
GAY COUPLES HAVE KIDS AND GOD
CANCELS CHRISTMAS.
A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT
CORONAVIRUS CAN CAUSE
INFERTILITY IN MEN
SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO
ME ON THAT
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO
ME ON THAT
BUT, OKAY.
DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE JUDGED BY
THEIR OLD E-MAILS?
IF YOU COULD SEE HALF THE
E-MAILS CHE SENDS ME
ACTUALLY, I'LL SHOW YOU ONE.
THE SUBLINE IS LISTEN UP, HONKY.
THEN THE BODY OF THE E-MAIL JUST
SAYS I WISH THEY GOT YOU INSTEAD
OF HARAMBO
SO YOU DID GET THAT ONE
COLIN KAEPERNICK REVEALED
THAT HE HAS MAINTAINED HIS
5:00 A.M. TRAINING REGIMEN IN
CASE HE GETS CALLED BACK UP TO
THE NFL.
BUT THE GIANTS ARE STILL GOING
TO STICK WITH THEIR CURRENT
QUARTERBACK, A SCARECROW ON A
ROOMBA
A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
AS WILLY WONKA IN AN UPCOMING
PREQUEL TO "CHARLIE AND THE
CHOCOLATE FACTORY" WENT VIRAL
THIS WEEK WITH MANY ON SOCIAL
MEDIA CALLING HIM A TWINK WILLY
WONKA.
HERE TO COMMENT IS A PROUD GAY
OOMPA LOOMPA
HEY
HI
OKAY, WAIT
HOW DID YOU JUST INTRODUCE ME?
AS A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, IS THAT NOT
CORRECT?
NO, NO, IT'S CORRECT, YOU
JUST OUTED ME ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION
OH MY GOD -
DON'T GET MAD, IT'S FINE.
I CAME HERE TO MAKE A STATEMENT
ON OUR IMPENDING FACTORY STRIKE.
BUT NOW I GUESS I GOT TO CALL MY
PARENTS.
WHEN DOES THIS AIR
OH, IT'S LIVE
IT'S LIVE
OKAY
WOW.
I SHOULD PROBABLY READ MY THING,
OKAY
WELL, WITH ALL THE RECENT
COVERAGE OF AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
WONKA IS SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS,
WHAT'S NOT SO
SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS ARE THE
UNSAFE WORKING COMPANIES THAT
HIS WORKERS -- OH, BOY
ARE YOU OKAY?
SORRY, I'M JUST THINKING
ABOUT HOW MY PARENTS SAW THAT MY
PHONE BACKGROUND AS PICTURE OF
LAURA DERN, AND I LET THEM THINK
SHE'S MY WIFE.
THEY'RE NOT NEGATIVE
THEY LIVE IN LOOMPA LAND, THEY
JUST GOT "WILL & GRACE."
IT'S GOING TO BE A CONVERSATION.
WE CAN STOP IF YOU WANT
NO, IT'S FINE
THIS TWING WONKA OR TWONKA, MA
LOOK AS YUMMY AS LICKABLE
WALLPAPER.
BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, HE IS
NOTHING MORE THAN --
ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO GO OFF
SCRIPT BECAUSE A CLOSETED PERSON
WROTE THIS
POINT BLANK, THE MAN DON'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE, OKAY?
HE'S A VISIONARY WHO'S NEVER
TOUCHED A MACHINE, HE JUST
TUMBLES INTO THE INVENTING ROOM
AND SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT
ABOUT A SODA THAT MAKES YOU
FLY?
MEANWHILE WE'RE UP ALL NIGHT
REHEARSING THE LITTLE SONG AND
DANCE WE DO WHEN A CHILD DIES.
THE WHOLE THING IS SICK.
MAN
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT EXCITED
ABOUT THIS NEW WONKA
I'M SORRY, DO I JUST -- GIVE
OFF A GAY VIBE OR SOMETHING?
LIKE WHAT ABOUT THIS SEEMS GAY
TO YOU
I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF
PRODUCT IN YOUR HAIR
OKAY.
AND YOU JUST STEPPED OUT OF THE
SHOWER LIKE THAT WITH YOURS?
OKAY.
OKAY, WOW, I'M BEING A BITCH.
HONKSLY, IT DOES FEEL NICE TO BE
OUT.
NOW THAT I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET,
MAYBE YOU CAN COME OUT, TOO,
COLIN.
OH, NO, I'M NOT GAY.
SORRY, GIRLS, I TRIED
A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA,
EVERYONE
EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026,
EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026,
DISNEY PLUS WILL SURPASS NETFLIX
TO BECOME THE TOP STREAMING
PLATFORM IN THE WORLD.
"NOT SO FAST," SAID PORN HUB
DC COMICS ANNOUNCED THE NEW
SUPERMAN WILL BE BISEXUAL.
THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT THE
RIDDLER HAS ALWAYS BEEN DOWN FOR
WHATEVER
A CALIFORNIA RANCH, ONCE
OWNED BY RONALD REAGAN, IS BEING
THREATENED BY A LARGE WILDFIRE
CREWS ARE HOPING TO PUT OUT THE
BLAZE BY POURING WATER ONTO A
NEARBY HILL AND HOPING IT
TRICKLES DOWN.
ECONOMICS
AN ECONOMIC JOKE
MUSIC COMMENTATORS ARE
NOTING THAT UPCOMING RELEASES
FROM TAYLOR SWIFT AND ADELE
SIGNAL A SHIFT IN THE INDUSTRY
FROM HOT GIRL SUMMER TO SAD GIRL
AUTUMN
AUTUMN
WHICH IS FOLLOWED AS ALWAYS BY
MESSY DIVA CHRISTMAS
THEY WILL NO LONGER PLAY THEIR
1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR."
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR."
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
UP HERE EVERY \SATURDAY KEEPING
US INFORMED IS IMPORTANT, BRO.
BUT CHE, WHEN DO YOU TAKE A
MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE
IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT THINGS,
BROTHER?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
YOU KNOW, THE STUFF LIKE MOST
PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT BECAUSE
TECHNICALLY IT DON'T MATTER.
HERE
LET ME TAKE A MOMENT REAL QUICK.
HIT ME
♪
ALL THAT TALK ABOUT DEBT CEILING
AND CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT NOBODY
TALKS ABOUT THE FACT THAT NOT A
SINGLE PERSON HERE KNOWS A
PERSON THAT DRIVES OR OPERATES A
BLIMP.
A BLIMP
YES, A BLIMP.
LIKE, WHY DO WE NOT KNOW WHO
DRIVES THAT?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, I'M A DRIVER.
YOU DON'T SAY, OH, CAR OR BLIMP?
WHO'S DRIVING THESE THINGS
THEY COULD FLY A PLANE OR A JET.
NO, I WANT TO FLY A SLOW-ASS
DILDO ACROSS THE SKY
I KNOW MORE CRACKHEADS BY NAME
THAN I KNOW BLIMP DRIVERS.
THAT'S A REAL -- ACTUALLY, ALL
ACROSS THE COUNTRY, NOT ONE
PERSON KNOWS A BLIMP DRIVER.
THIS MIGHT BE A DUMB QUESTION,
BUT ARE WE SURE BLIMPS ARE REAL?
I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE REAL,
CHRIS.
EXACTLY
PRETTY SURE.
I'VE NEVER HEARD A COMING OF AGE
STORY ABOUT A BLIMP DRIVER
HOLD ON, CHRIS, THIS WASN'T
THE PLAN
WHAT?
WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
TALKING ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU
WERE UP HERE
NO.
AND THAT THING YOU SAID
I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK I
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING
ABOUT -- WHY IS EVERYBODY SO MAD
ABOUT SUPERMAN'S SON IN THE
COMICS BEING A LITTLE BI-SEX BOY
NOW?
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THAT IS
HE'S NOT REAL.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT REAL
PEOPLE DO WITH THEIR SEX
SO WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT A
STENCIL, DOG
THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING FOR
EVERYBODY, SO TREAT LIFE LIKE A
PORN HUB SELECTION
IF IT AIN'T FOR YOU, DON'T CLICK
THE TAB.
ANYWAY, WHAT PORN YOU WATCH,
CHE?
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PORN,
CHRIS.
ME NEITHER, YOU RIGHT
MY PORN-WATCHING DAYS ARE OVER,
MAN.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT AN AMOUNT OF
FEEDBACK, LIKE THE PASSION IN
YOUR EYES.
ANYWAY, WILLIAM SHATNER WENT TO
HEY, COLIN, CAN I SMOKE IN YOUR
HOUSE?
I HAVE A BABY
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN ON LITTLE
BABY CLETUS.
YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT HIS NAME.
I'VE SENT YOU PICTURES
I GET A LOT OF PICTURES,
COLIN.
I ONLY REMEMBER THE BOOBIES.
CHRIS, CHRIS.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE, MAN
DAMN, ALL RIGHT, MAN.
ROLL THE DAMN CLIP
CHRIS REDD, EVERYONE!
BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE
CORONAVIRUS!
OKAY.
SO IT DIDN'T HOLD UP GREAT
I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE CAUGHT
THAT CLIP FROM FEBRUARY 2020
PLEASE ROLL IT AGAIN
BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE
CORONAVIRUS!
OK.
IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS SAYING
SOMETHING CRAZY.
I'M NOT A SCIENTIST.
THIS IS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL, BUT
YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOUR
TEACHER.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ACTUALLY
CAN'T, MAN
OH.
THAT'S CHRIS REDD WITH VERY
IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT NEWS
NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE TALKING
ABOUT IT, Y'ALL!
OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A
OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A
SELF-DRIVING TAXI SERVICE, SAY
THAT AFTER A YEAR THE ROBO TAXIS
STILL HAVE TROUBLE WITH LEFT
TURNS AND PUDDLES.
WHICH EXPLAINS WAYMO'S SLOGAN,
"LET'S GET IN WAYMO ACCIDENTS.
A WOMAN IN ARIZONA GAVE
BIRTH TO A 14-POUND BABY BOY
SO NOW ARIZONA HAS TWO GRAND
CANYONS.
IN THE MATH BOOK
DOESN'T GET IT
OH, MY GOD
OH
ONE OF HUGH HEFNER'S GIRL
FRIENDS SAID THE PLAY BOY
MANSION WAS HAUNTED.
IF YOU TURN ON A BLACK LIGHT YOU
SEE ET CETERAO PLAS
EMEVERYWHERE
A BRITISH WOMAN WAS SHOCKED
WHEN SHE DISCOVERED A
FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER
FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER
TOILET
BUT HEY, THAT'S INDIAN FOOD FOR
YOU.
YOU'LL GO BACK TO THE GRAND
CANYON JOKE, YEAH.
A NEW STAGE SHOW FROM
WORLD-RENOWNED HYPNOTIST LINUS
MINUS IS QUICKLY BECOMING THE
TALK OF BROADWAY'S REOPENING
HERE WITH MORE IS LINUS MINUS
AND HIS VOLUNTEER, ROY
HI, THERE
HI, THERE, COLIN
YES, I FOUND A VOLUNTEER TO BE
HYPNOTIZED ON YOUR SHOW.
HE'S A MEMBER OF YOUR SECURITY
STAFF HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE."
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HEY, ROY, HOW YOU FEELING?
NERVOUS?
OH, MAN, COME ON, NOW
THIS LITTLE SILLY MAGIC STUFF
AIN'T GOING TO WORK ON ME, JACK.
HUMOR ME, ROY, AND IMAGINE
YOURSELF ON A CLOUD, ROY
AND AS I COUNT DOWN FROM FIVE,
YOU SLIP FURTHER INTO THE CLOUD,
ROY.
FIVE, FOUR, YOU'RE FALLING,
THREE, TWO, DEEPER ROY, ONE, AND
SLIP
ALL RIGHT, NOW, ROY IS IN A
STATE OF SUGGESTIVE HYPNOSIS,
MEANING -- OK.
OH, DEAR
J IS EVERYTHING OK
I THINK HE WAS A LITTLE TOO
RELAXED AND HE TINGLED JUST A
LITTLE BIT
I APOLOGIZE BUTWE'LL HAVE TO
ACCOUNTED THIS SHORT
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR WAKE, YOU
WILL RETURN TO A STATE OF ACTIVE
CONSCIOUSNESS.
AND WAKE
HEY, MAN.
WHY ARE MY PANTS WET
YOU MADE ME PISS MYSELF ON LIVE
TV
SLEEP
WHY DID YOU PUT HIM TO SLEEP
AGAIN?
WELL -- HE GRABBED ME
AND I FELT A LITTLE BIT SCARED
FOR MY LIFE.
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE" YOU
WILL NOT BE ANGRY ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING ON IN YOUR PANTS, YOU WILL
BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, AND WAKE!
OH, WHAT YOU DOING FEELS SO
GOOD, ZENDAYA!
SLEEP
ROY MADE THE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS
IN HIS PANTS A SEXUAL FANTASY
WITH ZENDAYA
I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GET ROY
OFFSTAGE
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO,
COLIN.
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE,"
ZENDAYA IS GONE.
ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE.
AND WAKE
WHAT HAPPENED TO ZENDAYA?
WHAT'D YOU DO TO ZENDAYA, YOU
SON OF A BITCH
ROY
ROY?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ZENDAYA.
I AM NOT THE REASON ZENDAYA
ISN'T HERE
AND WAKE
OH, NO, I KILLED ZENDAYA!
AND I PEED MY PANTS!
HELP, HELP
GO TO SLEEP
OK
ONE MORE TIME.
ROY, UNWAKE YOUR PANTS ARE NOT
WET.
THEY'RE DRY.
ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE, BUT ZENDAYA
IS ALIVE AND SAFE.
YOU ARE CALM, YOU'RE JUST HERE
DOING A NORMAL JOB WHAT YOU DO
EVERY SATURDAY HERE AT "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
AND WAKE
AND HOW DO YOU FEEL, ROY?
GREAT
I SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK,
THOUGH
HEY, MICHAEL CHE, PLEASE TELL
THEM STRIPPERS IN YOUR DRESSING
ROOM TO PUT ON A MASK.
HEY, SLEEP!
LINUS MINUS AND ROY,
EVERYONE
I'M MICHAEL CHE
I'M COLIN JOST.
I'M MICHAEL CHE
I'M COLIN JOST.
GOOD NIGHT
YEAH.
IS IT -- IS IT TOO SOFT?
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME
I FEEL LIKE GOLDILOCKS
HI, CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS OUT
WITH ANYTHING?
YEAH, WELL, WE'RE LOOKING FOR
A MATTRESS
BUT WE'RE TORN BETWEEN THESE
TWO.
WELL, IT IS A BIG DECISION.
WE DO SPEND A THIRD OF OUR LIVES
IN BED
WOW, THAT IS SO, SO TRUE.
HONEY, WHY DON'T WE TRY IT OUT
SO WE CAN SEE, LIKE, HOW IT
WOULD REALLY FEEL?
YEAH, YEAH.
SOMETIMES I GET HOME LATE FROM
WORK AND IT WAKES HER UP
OH, SURE.
WELL, TRY IT OUT, YOU'LL BARELY
FEEL ANY MOVEMENT.
GO AHEAD
WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHO'S FINALLY HOME.
WHERE WERE YOU
WELL, DENISE, YOU'RE AWAKE.
I AM, AND YOU REEK OF
VERMOUTH AND WHORES.
CAN WE NOT DO THIS TONIGHT?
OH, OH, SO I'M THE PROBLEM?
GO TO HELL
THIS FEELS GOOD, RIGHT
I LOVE IT.
YES, THIS IS REALLY
COMFORTABLE.
OKAY.
YEAH, I CAN REALLY PICTURE US
ON THIS.
YEAH.
GOOD NIGHT, MY LOVE
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU WERE BEING WEIRD AT THE
PARTY TONIGHT.
I WAS HAVING FUN.
YOU WERE TALKING TO ANDREA!
nd ANDREA IS A BITCH
AM I ON TRIAL, YOU NAGGING
SHREW.
THIS IS NICE.
HONESTLY, I ALMOST FELL
ASLEEP
NO.
YOU GUYS WERE DOING A LITTLE
PLAY
WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THE
MATTRESS IS PERFECT.
LIKE YOU SAID, WE SPEND SOME
THREE THIRDS IN OUR LIVES IN
BED.
THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID
HONEY, LET'S TRY THE OTHER
ONE.
RICHARD, NO
I'M TIRED.
EALLY
YOU'VE BEEN TIRED FOR A MONTH,
DENISE
WHATEVER, GOOD NIGHT
OH, DENISE.
OH, YOU ARE DRIVING ME WILD
RIGHT NOW.
RICHARD -
THIS NIGHTGOWN.
RICHARD, NO
HOT LADY GETS BELT ATTENTION
YOU'RE DISGUSTING
OH, YEAH
WE LOVE THIS ONE
LOVE THIS ONE
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE I'M LYING ON A
CLOUD.
SO WHAT DO WE THINK
HELLO?
YOU GUYS ASLEEP?
AAHH!
THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE
I'LL GET THE GUN!
WHEN DID YOU PUT BACK THERE
NO, RICHARD, NOT THAT GUN
HERE
USE THE KILLING GUN!
GOOD THINKING, DENISE
BANG!
BANG
OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED THE
INTRUDER
YOU PROTECTED ME
OH, DAMMIT, I'M SO HORNY FOR
YOU.
YOU COME TO ME.
YES
DO ME LIKE I'M IN ADULT
DETENTION.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH,
ENOUGH, ENOUGH
PLEASE, DO YOU WANT TO BUY THIS
MATTRESS OR WHAT
OH, GOD
OH, GOD.
THE INTRUDER'S STILL ALIVE AND
HE HAS YOUR GUN!
BANG
OH!
OH, I'M HIT!
NO, RICHARD
GOOD-BYE, DENISE.
I LOVE YOU
OH, YOU SAVED ME.
BUT I'M SO HORNY
OH, BUT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD, HE'S
DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN!
DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN!
SLEEPYTOWN USA.
A BED FOR WIFE, A BED FOR LIFE
ONCE AGAIN, YOUNG THUG.
♪
♪
LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ♪
HOPE TO HEAR YOU COME AROUND ANY
DAY ♪
♪ I LOVE WHEN YOU CALL ME ABOUT
ANYTHING ♪
♪
♪ BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU
♪
♪ BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU
AND ♪
YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN
ANYTHING ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHINGG
♪ SEE ANYTHING
♪
♪ ♪♪
♪
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE
MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO
GET TICKETS FOR MONTHS
HOW DID YOU GET THEM
LET'S SAY I KNOW THE RIGHT
PEOPLE AND I SPEND A
RIDICULOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT OF
MONEY ON THIS.
HOWEVER YOU DID IT, YOU MADE
MY YEAR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO
SEE ANGELO
I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
HE'S AMAZING.
THE REVIEW SAYS HE TAKES YOU
ON A SPECTACULAR MUSICAL
JOURNEY.
APPARENTLY ALL HE NEEDS IS ONE
WORD AND SONGS JUST FLOW OUT OF
HIM.
ONE WORD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
INTERNATIONAL SINGING SENSATION,
ANGELO
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
CAN I GET ONE WORD
GO AHEAD, GIVE HIM A WORD
OH, OKAY.
BICYCLE!
SAY FOR ME?
BICYCLE
SAY FOR ME?
BICYCLE
SECOND VERSE.
♪ IF I LIGHT UP FOR M
THIS ONE TONIGHT ♪
THANK YOU SO MUCH I
HE JUST CREATED THAT BEAUTIFUL
SONG ON THE SPOT
I GUESS
I DIDN'T REALLY HEAR HIM SINGING
ABOUT BICYCLES, THOUGH
SHH, HERE WE GO
CAN I GET ANOTHER WORD?
GO AHEAD, LANCE, DO IT.
WHAT, ME AGAIN?
YES, YOU HAVE FUN
OKAY.
BANANA
SAY FOR ME?
BANANA.
SAY -- SAY FOR ME AGAIN
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.
♪ IF ALLOWED I SING
LIKE THIS FOR LONG TIM
YOU SING LIKE THIS
FOR ME TONIGHT ♪
THANK YOU SO MUCH
THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES?
I KNOW, IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT
I MEAN, I REALLY -- I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND HIM
BECAUSE HE'S NOT FROM THIS
COUNTRY, LANCE
OKAY, WELL I'M NOT FROM THIS
COUNTRY AND YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
ME
NO.
I DON'T.
AND NOW I BRING DANCE FOR
THIS
OH!
OH, MY GOD
IT'S TODD!
WHO'S TODD?
I READ ABOUT HIM.
HE'S WHAT'S NEXT IN DANCE.
OH, OH.
♪ SOMETIMES WHEN IT
ONE WORD ♪
YES, ONE WORD
ME AGAIN?
ALL RIGHT.
ROAD TRIP.
SAY FOR ME?
SAY FOR ME?
ROAD TRIP
SAY FOR ME?
SAY FOR ME?
OH, COME ON
ROAD TRIP!
♪ IF I LIGHT UP FOR M
ANOTHER TIME
IF I EVER SIT HERE ♪
OH!
THANK YOU FOR THIS.
OH!
ANGELO AND TODD!
ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT.
ALL THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED FOR
US
ARE YOU SURE?
I MEAN, TODD -- HE SEEMS A BIT
NERVOUS.
WELL, THEY ARE TELLING THEIR
STORY.
IT'S ABOUT COMING HERE FROM A
WAR-TORN COUNTRY
BUT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING
THAT
WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
A COUNTRY THAT --
ALL RIGHT, WELL THAT'S NOT A
REAL PLACE
OKAY, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT
THIS
YOU NEED TO GO INTO NEW
SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN HEART.
I'M TRYING, OKAY?
ANOTHER WORD FOR ONE?
ONE SUGGEST
ONE SUGGEST
YOU KNOW WHAT
FINE
TRY THIS
MESOTHELIOMA
HUH?
MESOTHELIOMA.
MESOTHELIOMA.
OH, WOW, THEY GOT THAT.
THAT'S QUITE IMPRESSIVE, I
SUPPOSE.
WHY
WHY IS THAT IMPRESSIVE
♪ I WANT TO KNO
WHAT LOVE IS
I WANT YOU T
SHOW ME WHAT LOVE IS ♪
WOW
WOW.
WOW.
NOW HE HAS RHYTHM.
I GET THAT
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL
THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH
♪ I WANT TO KNO
WHAT LOVE IS
I WANT YOU T
SHOW ME ♪
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
THAT'S WONDERFUL
COME ON, PEOPLE, GIVE IT UP,
GIVE IT UP
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO
GIVE IT UP
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO
AND TODD
SUCH A THINK
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
OH
I'LL NEVER FORGET IT
THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG.
DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND
THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG.
DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND
ALL OF YOU
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING.
I PREFER TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS
AND I HANDLE PUBLIC RELATIONS
FOR THE NFL.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO SWITCH
JOBS, LET ME KNOW.
NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT THE
COMMISSIONER TO ADDRESS THIS
WEEK'S SCANDAL
THIS IS NOT THE NFL DRAFT, BUT
IT'S STILL OKAY TO BOO HIM
ROGER GOODELL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ BOOS ]
YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BOO.
GOOD EVENING
HI, I'M ROGER GOODELL.
WHEN YOU SEE ME ON TV, IT'S
NEVER GOOD
THIS TIME, ONE OF OUR COACHES IS
ACCUSED OF RACISM, MISOGYNY, AND
HOMOPHOBIA
BUT HEY, AT LEAST NO ONE'S
TALKING ABOUT CONCUSSIONS.
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE
EMAILS SENT BY RAIDERS COACH
JON GRUDEN WERE HORRIFYING AND
DEEPLY OFFENSIVE, ESPECIALLY TO
ME
I WAS REFERRED TO AS THE F-WORD,
THE P-WORD, THE C-WORD, THE
R-WORD, THE F'ing R-WORD, THE
F'ing R-WORD P-WORD.
ONCE, WEIRDLY, I WAS CALLED A
DILL
THAT WAS KIND OF SWEET
BUT I ASSURE YOU THA
ALL 32 TEAMS UNDERSTAND THAT
DIVERSITY IS OUR STRENGTH.
AND I KNOW OUR BLACK COACHES
WOULD AGREE, BOTH THEM
NOW COACH GRUDEN HAS ASKED TO
SAY A FEW WORDS.
I SAID, BAD IDEA
BUT HE GOT ON HIS KNEES AND
BEGGED AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I
HATE TO SEE SOMEONE KNEELING
LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR
COACH GRUDEN
THANK YOU, ROGER.
I'M SORRY TO ALL THE RAIDERS
FANS OUT THERE
HOPE YOU WON'T JUDGE ME ON ONE
EMAIL I SENT 10 YEARS AGO, OR
THE 20 EMAILS I SENT LAST
TUESDAY.
I PROMISE I DON'T HAVE A RACIST
BONE IN MY BODY.
WHEN A CALLED AN AFRICAN
AMERICAN PLAYER DARK E
THAN A SKY WITH NO STARS, I
PROMISE YOU, THAT WAS IN NO WAY
RACIAL
THAT WAS REFERRING TO HIS SENSE
OF HUMOR, WHICH IS EXTREMELY
DARK AND EDGY.
BUT THAT SHOW "LOUIE"ON FX -
HEY WHEN'S THE NEXT SEASON
COMING OUT
I ALSO CALLED THE COMMISSIONER
THE GAY F-WORD LIKE A HUNDRED
TIMES.
NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE A STRETCH
BUT IF YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN BURNED
BY AUTO CORRECT.
HEAR ME OUT.
SEE, I'M A BIT OF A NAVAL BUFF
AND I OFTEN SEND MY FRIENDS
EMAILS ABOUT FRIGATES, WHICH ARE
WARSHIPS
I'LL SAY, LOOK AT THAT FLAMING
FRIGATE!
THAT'S WHEN A WARSHIP'S ON FIRE.
OR THAT DUMBASS FRIGATE CAN S MY
D.
THAT'S ABOUT A WARSHIP
PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANOTHER
WARSHIP.
YOU GET IT
MY POINT IS, I NEVER MEANT TO
HURT ANYONE.
I MEANT TO HURT THEM SECRETLY
BEHIND THEIR BACKS
APPEARANCES MATTER, SO I'LL TURN
IT OVER TO A GUY WHO'S ALL ABOUT
APPEARANCES, THE RAIDERS OWNER
MARK DAVIS
HI, FOLKS
MARK DAVIS HERE.
AS MY PLAYERS CALL ME, THE
BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION
NO, NO
OK
LOOK
GUYS, WHAT COACH GRUDEN WROTE
WAS DISGRACEFUL.
WE NEED TO DO A BETTER JOB
WE NEED TO, AS I TELL MY BARBER,
AIM HIGHER
AND TRUST ME, I'VE HEARD ALL THE
JOKES ABOUT MY HAIR AND HOW IT
LOOKS LIKE DONALD TRUMP'S
HAIRCUT GAVE ME A HAIRCUT.
BUT WE'RE MAKING THIS RIGHT AND
MOVING ON.
SO I'M GOING TO TURN IT OVER T
OUR NEW HEAD COACH, LARRY "DON'T
MAKE ME DO THIS" RUCKER.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, GUYS.
IT'S AN HONOR TO TAKE OVER THIS
STORIED FRANCHISE.
AND A REAL SHAME THAT I HAVE TO
IMMEDIATELY RESIGN
THEY JUST FOUND MY EMAILS TOO,
AND THEY ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN
THE OLD COACH'S.
I PUT THE F-WORD IN THE SUBJECT
LINE
I STARTED AN EMAIL CHAIN CALLED
"LET'S RANK THE RACES" AND I
RESPONDED TO ALL OF COACH
GRUDEN'S EMAILS, LOL, THIS IS SO
TRUE AND FUNNY, YOU THE MAN,
GRUDEN
ANYWAY, THANK YOU AND I LOOK
FORWARD TO JOINING
ESPN IN THREE MONTHS
OKAY, HI, EVERYONE!
HI
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I WAS THE EQUIPMENT MANAGER FIVE
MINUTES AGO.
THEN SOMEONE JUST PUSHED ME ON
STAGE AND WHISPERED, YOU THE
COACH NOW!
SO LET ME SAY THIS
LAS VEGAS WILL NOT TOLERATE
MISOGYNY OF ANY KIND
NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL.
I WILL VOUCH FOR THE ENTIRE CITY
ON THAT.
ALSO, I'M RESIGNING IMMEDIATELY.
I SEE REPORTERS DIGGING THROUGH
MY OLD TWEETS, AND THIS WILL NOT
END WELL FOR ME.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DRESSED UP
AS JACKIE CHAN FOR HALLOWEEN
BUT 2019 WAS A DIFFERENT ERA
THANK YOU, AND I'LL THROW IT
OVER TO THE NEW CHAIRMAN OF
WOMEN'S RELATIONS FOR THE NFL,
A CHEERLEADER FOR THE WASHINGTON
FOOTBALL TEAM.
THANK YOU
THANK YOU.
I LIKE MY TEAM DON'T HAVE A
NAME
I WANT TO SAY, THE E-MAILS JON
GRUDEN SENT TO OUR ORGANIZATION
DO NOT REFLECT THE VALUES OF OUR
TEAM, A TEAM THAT UNTIL A YEAR
AGO WAS CALLED THE REDSKINS.
I ALSO WANT TO THANK TO WOMEN
WHO FELT OFFEND BY THE E-MAILS
LIGHTEN UP
THEY'RE FUNNY.
IT WAS A NAME OF THE FIRST
FEMALE REFEREE AND SHE WAS
THINKING, WAIT A MINUTE, THIS
ISN'T MY KITCHEN
THAT'S FUNNY
JUST RELAX
NOW TO SOOTHE EVERYTHING OVER
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
MASCOT
WE'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS
CHLG WE'RE USING WHITE
STEREOTYPES.
PLEASE WELCOME GIUSEPPE, THE
STIPGY ITALIAN
HEY
WHAT'S THAT SPICY FOOD IS ALL
ABOUT.
ITALIANS MAKING THE MEET BALLS
AND DOING A PIZZA.
I SO SORRY, I CANNOT DO THIS
THIS DON'T FEEL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF NOT RIGHT, HI,
I'M COLIN KAEPERNICK
REMEMBER ME?
SO MUCH STUFF COMING OUT ABOUT
THE NFL MAYBE RACIST, KIND OF.
HUH.
I WONDER IF ANYBODY TRIED TO
WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THIS BEFORE.
I'M SCRATCHING MY HEAD TRYING TO
REMEMBER WHO SAID THAT
SCRATCH, SCRATCH
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THAT'S THE
REASON THEY BANNED ME FROM THE
LEAGUE
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT WAS JUST YOUR WEIRD
HAIR CUT
BUT GOOD NEWS.
I THINK WE MAY HAVE FOUND A
SOLUTION THAT MAKES EVERYONE
HAPPY.
SOMEONE EVEN TWITTER CAN GET
BEHIND
INTRODUCING OUR NEW HEAD COACH,
LAVAR BURTON
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SUCK IT, MAYIM BIALIK.
I AM THE SUPREME FOOTBALL HOST
NOW.
I WILL TAKE OFFENSE FOR 300.
WHAT IS A HANDOFF?
I'M GENUINELY ASKING
I'M A THEATER KID, COME ON
HA HA HA!
SO YEAH, I THINK THE NFL IS
GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
TAKE US OUT, LEVAR
♪ FIELD GOAL IN THE SKY
I AM THE HEAD COACH GU
JUST TAKE A LOOK IN TH
PLAYBOOK ♪
♪ WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBAL
WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL
FEEL LIKE PLAYING FOOTBALL ♪
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT
MUSICAL GUEST: YOUNG THUG.
AND YOUR HOST, RAMI MALEK!
RAMI MALEK
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, EVERYONE.
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
MY NAME IS RAMI MALEK AND I'M
HONORED TO BE STANDING ON THIS
STAGE.
YOU KNOW, I PLAYED A LOT OF
DRAMATIC ROLES IN MY CAREER.
MOST RECENTLY THE NEW BOND
VILLAIN.
BUT I DON'T USUALLY DO COMEDY.
YEAH, I TEND TO PLAY THESE
REALLY INTENSE CHARACTERS, WHICH
MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, BECAUSE
PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE WHAT'S
CALLED "ARRESTING VILLAIN FACE."
LIKE THIS IS ME TOTALLY NEUTRAL.
AND I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WOULD
RATHER PLAY THE HERO
BUT WEIRDLY, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
MORE DRAWN TO VILLAINS
I SYMPATHIZE WITH THEM, YOU
KNOW
IN "LION KING.
I'M TEAM SCAR.
I ACTUALLY FOUND SIMBA TO BE
KIND OF ANNOYING
YOU WANT TO BE KING?
YOU'RE LIKE 3 YEARS OLD.
RELAX!
AND IN "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS."
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, THAT POOR
HANNIBAL
THAT LADY JUST KEEPS COMING IN
AND ASKING HIM ALL THESE
QUESTIONS.
IT'S LIKE, LEAVE THE GUY ALONE,
CLARICE!
I THINK A LOT OF VILLAINS ARE
JUST MISUNDERSTOOD
FOR EXAMPLE, JAWS, HUNGRY.
DRACULA, THIRSTY
FRANKENSTEIN, HORNY.
I CAN KEEP GOING
DARTH VADER, IS JUST TRYING TO
RECONNECT WITH HIS SON
FREDDIE KRUGER, ENCOURAGING KIDS
TO DREAM
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NICE TO SEE VILLAINS
FINALLY GETTING SOME RESPECT
DISNEY'S EVEN MADE MOVIES WHERE
THE VILLAIN'S NAME'S ARE IN THE
TITLE.
"CRUELLA."
"MALEFICENT.
"BAMBI."
BUT HONESTLY, I'M HAPPY TO PLAY
THE VILLAIN.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN MOVIES
I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE MY
LIFE
I'M THE SON OF EGYPTIAN
IMMIGRANTS
AND I HAD KIND OF A SHELTERED
CHILDHOOD.
IT WAS SO SHELTERED, I GREW UP
IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY IN
L.A., BUT SOMEHOW I HAD NO IDEA
THAT I LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO
HOLLYWOOD.
SERIOUSLY, AS A KID.
I DREAMED OF GOING TO THE WALK
OF FAME, THE SUNSET STRIP.
I TRULY THOUGHT IT WAS A MILLION
MILES AWAY
IT WAS A 10-MINUTE DRIVE
WELL, IT'S THREE HOURS WITH
TRAFFIC.
BUT IT WAS GREAT
I LOVED GROWING UP THERE WITH MY
FAMILY, MY MOM, MY DAD, MY
SISTER, AND MY TWIN BROTHER.
YES.
YES, I GOT A TWIN BROTHER.
AND YES, HE WILL BE SWAPPING
PLACES WITH ME IN ONE SKETCH
TONIGHT.
AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ONE.
IT MIGHT EVEN BE RIGHT NOW
NO, I'M KIDDING.
IT'S ME.
RAMI
OR IS IT
NO, NO, IT IS.
BUT REALLY, THIS IS SUCH A
SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME
BOTH OF MY SIBLINGS ARE HERE
AND I'M SO PROUD OF THEM
MY BROTHER'S A TEACHER, MY
SISTER'S AN E.R. DOCTOR.
THEY ARE TRULY INCREDIBLE
PEOPLE
AND THEY HAVE DEVOTED THEIR
LIVES TO HELPING OTHERS.
BUT I HAVE AN OSCAR, SO.
KIND OF EVEN
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
YOUNG THUG IS HERE
SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK
♪ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
MED
HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME
I'M PRINCIPAL CARTER
IT'S A BIG DAY HERE AT WEYMOUTH
LOWER SCHOOL, THE BUG ASSEMBLY
MS. MIDAS'S CLASS WILL PRESENT
THEIRBUGS TO THE ENTIRE STUDEN
BODY
AND THEY ARE EXCITED, SORT OF
LIKE BURNING MAN FOR WEIRD KIDS.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, BUGS.
I'M A PRAYING MANTIS, BUT NOT
RELIGIOUS.
I PREY ON PESTS IN THE GARDEN.
I'M A LADYBUG
I CAN HAVE UP TO 20 SPOTS, AND
THAT'S A LOT
I'M A STINKBUG.
MY NASTY ODOR PROTECTS ME FROM
PREDATORS.
AND I'M DADDY LONG LEGS
GREAT
WELL
YOUR COSTUMES ALL LOOK TERRIFIC.
LOOKING FORWARD TO LEARNING A
BIT MORE
LET'S HEAR ABOUT YOUR DIETS
WELL, I EAT WEEDS AND
GRASSES, BUT NOT THE KIND YOU'RE
THINKING
DON'T GET ME IN TROUBLE.
I EAT BUGS, AND IN MY LIFE I
CAN EAT UP TO 5,000.
AND THAT'S A LOT
AND WHAT DOES DADDY LONG LEGS
EAT?
BOYS, BOYS, BOYS
OKAY.
RUSSELL?
CALL ME DADDY
OKAY.
DADDY.
I APPRECIATE THE CREATIVITY, BUT
I'D LOVE TO KNOW SOME MORE ABOUT
YOUR INSECT.
IT'S ALL IN THE NAME.
I'M A FATHER, AND MY LEGS GO ALL
ON FOR WEEKS
OK.
AND DADDY.
I DON'T WANT THAT FROM YOU.
OKAY, RUSSELL
CAN YOU SAY ANY SCIENCE FACTS
ABOUT YOURSELF
SURE.
I'M HOT, I PARTY, I WALK INTO
THE ROOM, AND I AM RESPECTED
NO MORE QUESTIONS!
RUSSELL, YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU
WERE ABOUT TO DO A DEATH DROP,
BUT THEN YOU STOPPED
I GOT SCARED.
I'VE ONLY DONE IT ONCE, AND I
DIDN'T WANT TO SPLIT MY ASS OPEN
IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES
THERE ARE NO JUDGES
YEAH, WHAT IS THIS KID'S
DEAL
HIS DAD IS AN EXEC AT BRAVO,
HIS OTHER DAD IS A REPUBLICAN.
HONESTLY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER HEARD HIM SPEAK.
OH, GOT IT.
I GOT TO SAY THIS FEELS KIND
OF UNFAIR.
HE'S NAMED AFTER HIS LEGS AND
I'M NAMED AFTER STINK.
HONESTLY, JOHNNY, OUT OF ALL
THE SEVENTH GRADE BOYS, YOU
SMELL REALLY GOOD.
THANKS, KEV
ALSO, I COULD HAVE SWORN
RUSSELL WAS ASSIGNED A
COCKROACH.
IT WASN'T A FIT
GUYS, LET'S STAY ON TRACK
DO YOU BUGS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
FOR EACH OTHER
I DO.
HOW DOES THE DADDY LONG LEGS
TRACK ITS PREY.
I SLAM DOWN BY CREDIT CARD ON
GROUND AND SAY, "DADDY'S GOT
IT."
WHY ISN'T THERE A MOMMY LONG
LEGS
SHUT THE HELL UP, GET HER OUT
OF HERE NOW!
I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT
OKAY, OKAY, DAISY, TAKE A
TIME OUT
I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER LATER,
BITCH.
WHO IS HE POINTING TO
I DON'T KNOW.
IS HE PLAYING CHARADES
OKAY, YOU.
DADDY LONG LEGS.
I GOT IT
ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONE OF THE COOL
THINGS ABOUT TODAY IS THAT WE
CAN SEE HOW DIFFERENT BUGS
INTERACT
SINCE YOU'RE SUCH AN ARTISTIC
BUNCH, LET'S SEE HOW DADDY LONG
LEGS AND STINK BUGS MIGHT EXIST
IN NATURE.
AND GO
HI, MR. LONG LEGS, I'M A
STINKBUG
IT'S BEEN AWHILE.
YOU LOOK WORSE
WHO LET YOU IN
WHAT?
OH, STINKBUG, I'VE MISSED
YOU.
I WANT YOUR STINK BACK IN MY
LIFE
LET'S GET REMARRIED.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH
I GUESS WE LET THAT GO ON FOR A
LITTLE BIT OF A WHILE.
I KIND OF GOT LOST IN IT
THE TEAMWORK WAS PRETTY DAMN
GOOD
YOU KNOW, RUSSELL ISN'T THE
ONLY ONE HERE WHO CAN DO COOL
STUFF.
I CAN, TOO
I HAVE CHARISMA.
WELL --
♪ MY NAME IS STINKY
AND I'M HERE TO SA
I EMIT ODO
IN A STINKY WAY ♪
JOHNNY, THAT WAS AMAZING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT MY DAD'S AN EXECUTIVE AT
BRAVO.
WE'RE GETTING YOU A SHOW
WOW, RUSSELL, REALLY?
THAT'S AMAZING
THEN WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE,
ALL OF US, TONIGHT
AND REMEMBER, DADDY'S GOT IT
♪ DON'T GOT A LOT OF MONEY
♪ DRIVE A RUSTED OUT CHEVY
♪ I JUST GOT LAID OFF
♪ BAR TAB AND I PAID OFF.
♪ MY EX-WIFE HATES ME
EVEN HAD TO SELL MY PUPPY ♪
♪ YEAH SO BROKE
IT'S A DAMN SHAM
GUESS I GOTTA PLAY
THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ YEAH I GOTTA PLAY
THE SQUID GAME
MY ONLY OPTION I
THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ I HAVE A NUMBER
NOT A REAL NAM
'CAUSE I'M PLAYING
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ WEIRD CARDS
PINK GUARD
LOCKED US IN A BIG ROOM ♪
♪ THEY'VE GOT SYMBOLS
ON THEIR FACES
LIKE ONES ON PLAYSTATION ♪
♪ AND THE MAIN GU
LOOKS LIKE DOCTOR WHO ♪
♪ BUNK BEDS, NEW FRIEND
PIGGY BANK UP IN THE SKY
THERE'S A ROBOT GIRL
WHO CAUGHT ME RUNNING ♪
♪ BETTER DUCK BEHIN
THE NEAREST GUY ♪
WAIT WHAT
♪ YELLING AT ME IN KOREAN
AND NOTHING IS TRANSLATE
BROKE MY COOKI
AND I GOT ELIMINATED ♪
♪ GOT A CRAZY GIRLFRIEN
THINK SHE MIGH
HAVE STABBED ME ♪
♪ AFTER I WAS HIT
THEY TOOK MY EYEBALL
AND MY KIDNEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ PEOPLE DIE IN THE
RED LIGHT
GREEN LIGHT.
♪ THAT'S THE WAY YOU PLAY
THE SQUID GAME ♪
RED LIGHT
GREEN LIGHT.
♪ THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ 45 MILLION WO
THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF MONE
AT LEAST I THINK IT IS ♪
♪ I'M CONFUSE
BY THE CURRENCY ♪
♪ ANYWAY I'M ON
A GLASS BRIDGE
AND I THINK I'M GONNA WIN ♪
♪ HEY LOOK IT'S MY FRIEND PET
AND YOU GO BYE-BYE NOW ♪
♪ HEY I JUST WO
THE SQUID GAME
KILLED ALL MY FRIEND
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ MY BODY IS COMPLETELY MAIME
WHY THE HELL'D
I PLAY THE SQUID GAME ♪
♪ SO I WENT BAC
TO MY HOMETOWN
GOT A COOL RED HAIRCUT ♪
♪ GONNA LIVE MY LIF
BETTER NOW
I'VE GROWN IN SO MANY WAYS ♪
♪ THEN ONE DA
I GOT MORE
THEN I TOOK ALL MY MONEY AND
I BET IT ON THE JETS ♪
♪ GOING BACK TO THE SQUID GAM
I'M TERRIBLE WITH MONE
THE GUARDS THINK
IT'S PRETTY FUNNY ♪
♪ THAT I'M BACK IN THE SQUID
GAME ♪
HE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.
♪ THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE SQUID GAME ♪
WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A
TOUGH CHOICE ON OUR HANDS.
I KNOW.
I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS DECISION TO
BE SO DIFFICULT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, JORDAN PEELE?
I STILL CAN'T DECIDE, BUT
IT'S DEFINITELY BETWEEN THE LAST
TWO, AGREED.
FOR SURE.
YES, DEFINITELY
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW?
WHY DON'T WE BRING HIM BACK IN
CAN YOU ACCEPTED IN OUR LAST
TWO AUDITIONERS?
WOW.
THIS IS GOING TO BE TOUGH.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU GUYS ARE BY
FAR OUR TOP TWO CHOICES TO PLAY
PRINCE IN MY NEW BIO
WE CAN ONLY PICK ONE.
OF COURSE
RIGHT, RIGHT.
THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS TO
HAVE A PRINCIPLES-OFF.
WHAT IS A PRINCE AFTER OFF?
YES, I'LL CALL OUT SOME
RANDOM SCENES FROM THE SCRIPT.
AND YOU TWO WILL GIVE ME YOUR
ABSOLUTE BEST PRINCE
PERFORMANCE.
AT THE SAME TIME
I CAN DO THAT
ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME PRINCE
DOING A FUNKY LICK ON THE
GUITAR
ACTION
♪
GOOD, GOOD.
NOW, SHOW ME PRINCE GETTING
PELTED IN THE LEGS WITH A
FOOTBALL
♪
GOOD.
NOW DO PRINCE STEPPING ON A
LEGO
♪
WOW, GREAT.
PRINCE IS WITH HIS LOVER AND DID
THAT PREMATURELY
WOW, GREAT.
GREAT, GREAT.
NOW PRINCE GETS IN THE SHOWER
AND THE WATER'S TOO HOT.
♪
LET'S SEE PRINCE GET SHOT IN
THE STOMACH.
♪
OKAY, PRINCE GETS A COVID
TEST BUT THEY GO UP TOO FAR.
♪
NOW PRINCE REALIZES HIS
VIRGIN PINA COLADA ISN'T VIRGIN.
♪
AND CUT
WOW.
HOW DO WE CHOOSE
WOW, I DON'T KNOW
SHOOTING STARTS TOMORROW
SO, IS IT GOING TO BE
RAMI MALEK OR KENAN THOMPSON
I MEAN, RAMI, YOU ALREADY WON
AN OSCAR
YES, THAT IS CORRECT.
BUT YOU ARE BLACK AND RAMI IS
NOT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T THINK
I CAN CAST A WHITE GUY TO PLAY
PRINCE IN MY MOVIE
OH, NO, NO, BUT MY PARENTS
ARE FROM EGYPT AND THAT'S IN
AFRICA
COME ON, MAN.
DON'T DO THAT, UH-UH.
OKAY.
WELL, DOESN'T PRINCE
TRANSCEND RACE
NOT IN THIS MOVIE, NO
YOU SEE THERE'S AN UNEXPECTED
TWIST IN THIS JORDAN PEELE
MOVIE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SEE, IT STARTS OFF AS A
PRINCE BIO-PIC BUT THEN --
IT TURNS INTO A HORROR MOVIE
ABOUT RACISM
DAMMIT, LUCKY GUESS
ANYWAY, KENAN, YOU HAVE THE
PART
HOORAY!
OH, THIS IS BULL CRAP
AM I TOO LATE
AM I TOO LATE FOR THE AUDITION
FOR THE PRINCE
SORRY, DANIEL CRAIG
AND THE AUDITION IS NOT FOR
THE PRINCE
IT'S FOR PRINCE, THE SINGER.
UH-HUH.
DID YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT?
YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WAS A
HORROR MOVIE THAT WAS ABOUT
RACISM
I'M HERE NOW, CAN I AT LEAST
TRY?
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A
GUITAR
FINE, SHOW ME PRINCE SEEING
AN ADORABLE DOG.
♪
BUT THEN IT BITES HIM
♪
OKAY.
SO HE KICKS IT AND MISSES.
♪
HEY, HEY, GET OFF ME,
DOUBLE O -
HOW WAS THAT?
BAD
BUT YOU'RE JAMES BOND, SO YOU
GOT THE PART
♪
HELLO, FOLKS
WELCOME TO "CELEB SCHOOL."
I'M YOUR HOST, BERT SIMPSON.
BERT SIMPSON
AND YOU KNOW THE GAME.
TWO CONTESTANTS TRY TO WIN
$10,000 WITH HELP FROM OUR
CLASSROOM OF CELEBS.
PLAYING TODAY ARE TRISHELLE AND
RYAN
NOW, LET'S MEET OUR CELEBRITY
STUDENTS
WAIT, ARE WE NOT GOING TO DO
INTRO BANTER
OH, NO, YOU TWO ARE BORING.
ALL RIGHT, FROM "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT," IT'S JOHN OLIVER
GAME SHOWS.
AMERICA'S DIRTY LITTLE
OBSESSION.
"GET ME MORE GAME SHOWS, DADDY,
MORE, PLEASE."
OKAY.
FROM "WHITE LOTUS,"
JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
OH, GEEZ!
WHY AM I HERE?
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, GOSH.
NEXT, AN ACTOR WHOSE VOICE
SOUNDS LIKE IT'S BEEN CHANGED TO
PROTECT HIS IDENTITY,
ADAM DRIVER.
HELLO
EXCITING TO BE HERE.
COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE ALSO GOT FUNNY
LADY, KRISTEN WIIG
HEY, HEY!
HEY, MISTER HOST MAN
DUMB
DUMB
WHY DID I SAY THAT
AND STAR TREK LEGEND,
GEORGE TAKEI
HELLO
WELL.
GEORGE, I GOT TO ASK
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT?
THAT DEPENDS ON HOW BAD YOU
WANT IT.
OH, VERY BAD.
OH, MY.
THERE IT IS
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT TO HIM WE HAVE RAPPER,
LIL WAYNE.
I LIKE TO VIBE OUT.
IT'S A LONG GAME, WEEZY
ALL RIGHT, AND THE STAR OF "NO
TIME TO DIE," ACTOR, RAMI MALEK!
ALL RIGHT.
AND FINALLY, FROM "SNL,"
PETE DAVIDSON.
WHAT UP
WHAT UP, YO?
DO I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO
RAMI MALEK
HIS EYES ARE FREAKING ME OUT
STOP STARING AT ME, DUDE
I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THAT
PEOPLE SAY WE LOOK ALIKE
MAYBE.
NO SEE IT.
MAYBE IF I LOOK A LITTLE LONGER.
NO, DUDE.
OKAY.
RYAN, TRISHELLE, YOU KNOW HOW
THE GAME WORKS
I GIVE YOU A SUBJECT, AND YOU
CALL ON THE CELEBRITY STUDENT
YOU THINK WILL KNOW THE ANSWER
RYAN, YOU'RE UP FIRST.
YOUR SUBJECT IS -- GEOGRAPHY
OKAY, WELL HE HAS AN ACCENT
AND GLASSES, WHICH MEANS, HE
GOTTA BE SMART
I CALL ON JOHN OLIVER.
ALL RIGHT, JOHN OLIVER.
SWEDEN IS BORDERED BY NORWAY AND
WHICH OTHER COUNTRY?
WELL, YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT
SWEDEN WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT
IKEA
HOME O
SKETCHY FURNITURE AND EVEN
SKETCHIER MEATBALLS.
THEY'RE NOT BEEF
BAD IKEA
BAD IKEA
OKAY, JOHN, YOUR RANT, THOUGH
AMUSING, CONTAINED NO ANSWER
AND PLEASE, NO MORE OVER THE
SHOULDER GRAPHICS.
ALL RIGHT, TRISHELLE, YOU CAN
STEAL.
OKAY, I'LL CALL ON
JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
OH, GEEZ.
BAD CHOICE, SWEETHEART
I WAS ONLY IN EUROPE ONCE.
I DRANK TOO MUCH, I PASSED OUT
IN A SAUNA LIKE A DUMBASS.
OH, WHERE WAS I?
FINLAND?
THAT IS CORRECT
WOW, TRISHELLE TAKES THAT POINT.
OKAY, NEXT, LET'S -- HEY, HEY,
HEY!
STOP WITH THE PAPER AIRPLANES,
KRISTEN WIGG
I DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING
WHY -- WHY WOULD YOU THINK I
THREW IT
BECAUSE -- BECAUSE YOU'RE
HALF GIGGLING, AND I SAW YOU
THROW IT
I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST BEING
WEIRD.
SORRY.
I MIGHT DO IT AGAIN, THOUGH.
IS THAT BAD?
YES
OKAY
TRISHELLE, YOUR SUBJECT IS --
HISTORY.
I DON'T THINK HE'LL KNOW THE
ANSWER, BECAUSE HE'S DEFINITELY
HIGH AS HELL
BUT I'M A BIG FAN, SO I'M GONNA
CALL ON WEEZY.
YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE
PUZZLE
"WHAT IS THAT BIG FATASS?"
ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS NOT
"WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
NOR IS IT "JEOPARDY!."
ARE YOU READY FOR THE QUESTION,
LIL WAYNE?
AND HE'S GONE.
OKAY
DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE HE WENT?
RAMI MALEK, DID YOU SEE WHERE
WEEZY WENT
NO.
I'VE BEEN STARING AT PETE
DAVIDSON
PLEASE, JUST MAKE HIM STOP.
IT'S LIKE HIS SOUL, HE'S LIKE --
HE'S GOT THE SOUL OF A VICTORIAN
CHILD TRAPPED IN HIS EYES.
YEAH.
YOU'RE NOT WRONG, PETE
OKAY
TRISHELLE, SECOND CHOICE
I'LL CALL ON PETE DAVIDSON.
PASS.
YOU CAN'T PASS, PETE.
ALL RIGHT, YOUR QUESTION --
WHICH REVOLUTIONARY WAR BATTLE
WAS FOUGHT IN YOUR HOMETOWN,
NEW YORK CITY?
I MEAN, HOW WOULD I KNOW
THAT
I WENT TO SCHOOL IN
STATEN ISLAND.
ALL OF OUR CLASSES WERE TO
PREPARE US TO BE FIREFIGHTERS
AND RACIST COPS.
OH, MY.
GEORGE, YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.
I NEED AN ANSWER, PETE
I DON'T KNOW.
CAN I JUST GIVE TRISHELLE
$10,000 AFTER THE SHOW
I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE EASIER
NOT HOW THE GAME WORKS.
OKAY, RYAN, YOUR CHANCE TO
STEAL.
OKAY, LET'S GO WITH
ADAM DRIVER.
GOOD.
YES.
LET'S HAVE FUN PLAYING THE GAME.
OKAY, ADAM
WHICH REVOLUTIONARY BATTLE WAS
FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY?
I DON'T KNOW, SO I'M NOT
GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION
CALM DOWN
ANY OF OUR OTHER CELEBS THINK
THEY KNOW?
OH, GEORGE TAKEI HAS HIS HAND
UP
YOU GOT AN ANSWER?
NO, I HAVE A QUESTION
WHY DID WILLIAM SHATNER GET TO
GO TO SPACE AND NOT ME
LET SULU GO TO THE MOON.
I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT UP TO
ME, GEORGE
AND NOT THAT ANYONE CARES, BUT
THE ANSWER WAS BROOKLYN.
THE BATTLE OF BROOKLYN WAS
FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY.
YEAH, WHERE THE PLANE GO AT
THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"
WEEZY.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A
QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK
COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT
THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"
WEEZY.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A
QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK
COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOUNG THUG
♪ OKAY I JUST WOKE UP
IN AN ANIMAL
I JUST WOKE UP IN A LAMBO'
FLAWLESS BAGUETTES AND ♪
♪ THE ORANGE RICHAR
I JUST HAD BUST DOWN
A CANTALOUPE
WANT BEEF AND ♪
♪ I'M TRYNA BE VEGA
BUT IT BAE
BRING A CAN OF SMOKE
I CAN'T SEE IN ♪
♪ THE GLASSES STORE
SLIDIN' IN THE COUPE
IN THE BAC
SMOKE OUT THE BAG ♪
♪ TOO BIG FOR A SAC
DO YOU SEE HER BABY HAIR
GROWING DOWN HER BAC
SHAWTY LOOK JUST LIK
A TWO-YEAR-OLD BRAT ♪
♪ JUST LIKE A RECOR
GET SCRATCHE
Y'ALL RATS DISPATC
I GOT FOUR BLACKS ♪
♪ IN HER BACK I'M DAD
PLAYER WHERE YOU FRO
TALK 'BOUT THE TRENCHE
I CAME OUT THE TRENCHES ♪
♪ I CAME FROM THE ROACHES
I CAME FROM THE RICHES
I'M FROM WHERE THEY CALL YOU
A RAT IF YOU SNITCHIN' ♪
♪ I CAME FROM THE SAM
STREET AS THE PIMP I
I'M RAISED BY THEM JUNKIES
WE SLEEP WITH THEM ♪
♪ YOUNG CAME FROM NOTHIN'
HE'LL GIVE UP HIS KIDNEY
BUT SAINT LAURENT STILL TRYN
CEASE-AND-DESIST IT WOO ♪
♪ SAY, "HOW DO YOU KEEP
UP WITH MILLIONS
I'M STRAIGHT OUT
THE TRENCHES WOO ♪
♪ SAY LET GO THEY
WE TREATIN' THEM RIGHT AND
WE GRANTIN' THEY WISHES WO
I WAS A CAPO IN MY ♪
♪ HOOD WAY 'FORE
PLAQUE OR A MENTIO
HE CAN GET HIT WIT
THE 'STENSION ♪
♪ SHOT FOR THE FO
BUT I MISSED I
TICK TOCK TICK TOC
TEN SHOTS TO YOUR SIDE ♪
♪ LIKE TICK TOC
WHEN I BOW DOWN TO M
IT COME WITH A BIG ROC
DO YOU WAN' KNOW HOW IT IS ♪
♪ WHEN YOU A BIG DAWG
YOU MIGHT GOT TO
YOU MIGHT GOT TO
TAKE THE ASSIS
LET YOUR DAWG GET ♪
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
THANK YOU
GOOD EVENING
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S
CLIMATE PLAN IS LIKELY TO BE
DROPPED FROM THE BUDGET BILL
AFTER SENATOR JOE MANCHIN
REFUSED TO SUPPORT IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME BAD
CLIMATE NEWS RUIN THIS BEAUTIFUL
80 DEGREE OCTOBER DAY.
MANCHIN, WHO'S FROM WEST
VIRGINIA, SAID HE WOULD ONLY
AGREE TO BIDEN'S BILL IF IT CUTS
CLEAN ENERGY AND OFFICIALLY
MAKES COAL ONE OF THE FIVE FOOD
GROUPS
A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON AVERAGE
22 MINUTES LATE FOR PUBLIC
EVENTS
WORSE, HE ONLY DOES IT TO APPEAL
TO BLACK VOTERS.
THE BROOKLYN NETS HAVE
BENCHED STAR PLAYER KYRIE IRVING
FROM THE TEAM UNTIL HE'S FINALLY
VACCINATED
AND AS A NEW YORK SPORTS FAN I
HOPE THIS DECISION FINALLY
FORCES KYRIE TO DO THE RIGHT
THING AND BUY A FAKE VACCINATION
CARD
LOGISTICAL DELAYS CAUSED BY
WORKER SHORTAGES AND COVID
OUTBREAKS HAVE DOUBLED THE TIME
IT TAKES FOR SOME PRODUCTS TO
GET FROM ASIA TO THE U.S
THIS MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT
COULD WE USE BATS?
'CAUSE THE LAST TIME THEY PUT
SOMETHING IN BATS, IT GOT
EVERYWHERE REAL QUICK.
OH, YOU'RE PRO-BAT HERE?
OKAY
TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY
PETE BUTTIGIEG IS BEING
CRITICIZED FOR REMAINING ON
PATERNITY LEAVE WITH HIS HUSBAND
AND CHILD WHILE SUPPLY CHAIN
PROBLEMS THREATEN THE HOLIDAY
SHOPPING SEASON.
SAID CONSERVATIVES, SEE, YOU LET
GAY COUPLES HAVE KIDS AND GOD
CANCELS CHRISTMAS.
A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT
CORONAVIRUS CAN CAUSE
INFERTILITY IN MEN
SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO
ME ON THAT
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO
ME ON THAT
BUT, OKAY.
DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE JUDGED BY
THEIR OLD E-MAILS?
IF YOU COULD SEE HALF THE
E-MAILS CHE SENDS ME
ACTUALLY, I'LL SHOW YOU ONE.
THE SUBLINE IS LISTEN UP, HONKY.
THEN THE BODY OF THE E-MAIL JUST
SAYS I WISH THEY GOT YOU INSTEAD
OF HARAMBO
SO YOU DID GET THAT ONE
COLIN KAEPERNICK REVEALED
THAT HE HAS MAINTAINED HIS
5:00 A.M. TRAINING REGIMEN IN
CASE HE GETS CALLED BACK UP TO
THE NFL.
BUT THE GIANTS ARE STILL GOING
TO STICK WITH THEIR CURRENT
QUARTERBACK, A SCARECROW ON A
ROOMBA
A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
AS WILLY WONKA IN AN UPCOMING
PREQUEL TO "CHARLIE AND THE
CHOCOLATE FACTORY" WENT VIRAL
THIS WEEK WITH MANY ON SOCIAL
MEDIA CALLING HIM A TWINK WILLY
WONKA.
HERE TO COMMENT IS A PROUD GAY
OOMPA LOOMPA
HEY
HI
OKAY, WAIT
HOW DID YOU JUST INTRODUCE ME?
AS A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, IS THAT NOT
CORRECT?
NO, NO, IT'S CORRECT, YOU
JUST OUTED ME ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION
OH MY GOD -
DON'T GET MAD, IT'S FINE.
I CAME HERE TO MAKE A STATEMENT
ON OUR IMPENDING FACTORY STRIKE.
BUT NOW I GUESS I GOT TO CALL MY
PARENTS.
WHEN DOES THIS AIR
OH, IT'S LIVE
IT'S LIVE
OKAY
WOW.
I SHOULD PROBABLY READ MY THING,
OKAY
WELL, WITH ALL THE RECENT
COVERAGE OF AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
WONKA IS SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS,
WHAT'S NOT SO
SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS ARE THE
UNSAFE WORKING COMPANIES THAT
HIS WORKERS -- OH, BOY
ARE YOU OKAY?
SORRY, I'M JUST THINKING
ABOUT HOW MY PARENTS SAW THAT MY
PHONE BACKGROUND AS PICTURE OF
LAURA DERN, AND I LET THEM THINK
SHE'S MY WIFE.
THEY'RE NOT NEGATIVE
THEY LIVE IN LOOMPA LAND, THEY
JUST GOT "WILL & GRACE."
IT'S GOING TO BE A CONVERSATION.
WE CAN STOP IF YOU WANT
NO, IT'S FINE
THIS TWING WONKA OR TWONKA, MA
LOOK AS YUMMY AS LICKABLE
WALLPAPER.
BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, HE IS
NOTHING MORE THAN --
ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO GO OFF
SCRIPT BECAUSE A CLOSETED PERSON
WROTE THIS
POINT BLANK, THE MAN DON'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE, OKAY?
HE'S A VISIONARY WHO'S NEVER
TOUCHED A MACHINE, HE JUST
TUMBLES INTO THE INVENTING ROOM
AND SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT
ABOUT A SODA THAT MAKES YOU
FLY?
MEANWHILE WE'RE UP ALL NIGHT
REHEARSING THE LITTLE SONG AND
DANCE WE DO WHEN A CHILD DIES.
THE WHOLE THING IS SICK.
MAN
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT EXCITED
ABOUT THIS NEW WONKA
I'M SORRY, DO I JUST -- GIVE
OFF A GAY VIBE OR SOMETHING?
LIKE WHAT ABOUT THIS SEEMS GAY
TO YOU
I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF
PRODUCT IN YOUR HAIR
OKAY.
AND YOU JUST STEPPED OUT OF THE
SHOWER LIKE THAT WITH YOURS?
OKAY.
OKAY, WOW, I'M BEING A BITCH.
HONKSLY, IT DOES FEEL NICE TO BE
OUT.
NOW THAT I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET,
MAYBE YOU CAN COME OUT, TOO,
COLIN.
OH, NO, I'M NOT GAY.
SORRY, GIRLS, I TRIED
A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA,
EVERYONE
EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026,
EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026,
DISNEY PLUS WILL SURPASS NETFLIX
TO BECOME THE TOP STREAMING
PLATFORM IN THE WORLD.
"NOT SO FAST," SAID PORN HUB
DC COMICS ANNOUNCED THE NEW
SUPERMAN WILL BE BISEXUAL.
THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT THE
RIDDLER HAS ALWAYS BEEN DOWN FOR
WHATEVER
A CALIFORNIA RANCH, ONCE
OWNED BY RONALD REAGAN, IS BEING
THREATENED BY A LARGE WILDFIRE
CREWS ARE HOPING TO PUT OUT THE
BLAZE BY POURING WATER ONTO A
NEARBY HILL AND HOPING IT
TRICKLES DOWN.
ECONOMICS
AN ECONOMIC JOKE
MUSIC COMMENTATORS ARE
NOTING THAT UPCOMING RELEASES
FROM TAYLOR SWIFT AND ADELE
SIGNAL A SHIFT IN THE INDUSTRY
FROM HOT GIRL SUMMER TO SAD GIRL
AUTUMN
AUTUMN
WHICH IS FOLLOWED AS ALWAYS BY
MESSY DIVA CHRISTMAS
THEY WILL NO LONGER PLAY THEIR
1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR."
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR."
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN
UP HERE EVERY \SATURDAY KEEPING
US INFORMED IS IMPORTANT, BRO.
BUT CHE, WHEN DO YOU TAKE A
MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE
IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT THINGS,
BROTHER?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
YOU KNOW, THE STUFF LIKE MOST
PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT BECAUSE
TECHNICALLY IT DON'T MATTER.
HERE
LET ME TAKE A MOMENT REAL QUICK.
HIT ME
♪
ALL THAT TALK ABOUT DEBT CEILING
AND CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT NOBODY
TALKS ABOUT THE FACT THAT NOT A
SINGLE PERSON HERE KNOWS A
PERSON THAT DRIVES OR OPERATES A
BLIMP.
A BLIMP
YES, A BLIMP.
LIKE, WHY DO WE NOT KNOW WHO
DRIVES THAT?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, I'M A DRIVER.
YOU DON'T SAY, OH, CAR OR BLIMP?
WHO'S DRIVING THESE THINGS
THEY COULD FLY A PLANE OR A JET.
NO, I WANT TO FLY A SLOW-ASS
DILDO ACROSS THE SKY
I KNOW MORE CRACKHEADS BY NAME
THAN I KNOW BLIMP DRIVERS.
THAT'S A REAL -- ACTUALLY, ALL
ACROSS THE COUNTRY, NOT ONE
PERSON KNOWS A BLIMP DRIVER.
THIS MIGHT BE A DUMB QUESTION,
BUT ARE WE SURE BLIMPS ARE REAL?
I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE REAL,
CHRIS.
EXACTLY
PRETTY SURE.
I'VE NEVER HEARD A COMING OF AGE
STORY ABOUT A BLIMP DRIVER
HOLD ON, CHRIS, THIS WASN'T
THE PLAN
WHAT?
WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
TALKING ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU
WERE UP HERE
NO.
AND THAT THING YOU SAID
I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK I
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING
ABOUT -- WHY IS EVERYBODY SO MAD
ABOUT SUPERMAN'S SON IN THE
COMICS BEING A LITTLE BI-SEX BOY
NOW?
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THAT IS
HE'S NOT REAL.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT REAL
PEOPLE DO WITH THEIR SEX
SO WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT A
STENCIL, DOG
THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING FOR
EVERYBODY, SO TREAT LIFE LIKE A
PORN HUB SELECTION
IF IT AIN'T FOR YOU, DON'T CLICK
THE TAB.
ANYWAY, WHAT PORN YOU WATCH,
CHE?
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PORN,
CHRIS.
ME NEITHER, YOU RIGHT
MY PORN-WATCHING DAYS ARE OVER,
MAN.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT AN AMOUNT OF
FEEDBACK, LIKE THE PASSION IN
YOUR EYES.
ANYWAY, WILLIAM SHATNER WENT TO
HEY, COLIN, CAN I SMOKE IN YOUR
HOUSE?
I HAVE A BABY
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN ON LITTLE
BABY CLETUS.
YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT HIS NAME.
I'VE SENT YOU PICTURES
I GET A LOT OF PICTURES,
COLIN.
I ONLY REMEMBER THE BOOBIES.
CHRIS, CHRIS.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE, MAN
DAMN, ALL RIGHT, MAN.
ROLL THE DAMN CLIP
CHRIS REDD, EVERYONE!
BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE
CORONAVIRUS!
OKAY.
SO IT DIDN'T HOLD UP GREAT
I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE CAUGHT
THAT CLIP FROM FEBRUARY 2020
PLEASE ROLL IT AGAIN
BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE
CORONAVIRUS!
OK.
IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS SAYING
SOMETHING CRAZY.
I'M NOT A SCIENTIST.
THIS IS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL, BUT
YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOUR
TEACHER.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ACTUALLY
CAN'T, MAN
OH.
THAT'S CHRIS REDD WITH VERY
IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT NEWS
NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE TALKING
ABOUT IT, Y'ALL!
OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A
OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A
SELF-DRIVING TAXI SERVICE, SAY
THAT AFTER A YEAR THE ROBO TAXIS
STILL HAVE TROUBLE WITH LEFT
TURNS AND PUDDLES.
WHICH EXPLAINS WAYMO'S SLOGAN,
"LET'S GET IN WAYMO ACCIDENTS.
A WOMAN IN ARIZONA GAVE
BIRTH TO A 14-POUND BABY BOY
SO NOW ARIZONA HAS TWO GRAND
CANYONS.
IN THE MATH BOOK
DOESN'T GET IT
OH, MY GOD
OH
ONE OF HUGH HEFNER'S GIRL
FRIENDS SAID THE PLAY BOY
MANSION WAS HAUNTED.
IF YOU TURN ON A BLACK LIGHT YOU
SEE ET CETERAO PLAS
EMEVERYWHERE
A BRITISH WOMAN WAS SHOCKED
WHEN SHE DISCOVERED A
FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER
FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER
TOILET
BUT HEY, THAT'S INDIAN FOOD FOR
YOU.
YOU'LL GO BACK TO THE GRAND
CANYON JOKE, YEAH.
A NEW STAGE SHOW FROM
WORLD-RENOWNED HYPNOTIST LINUS
MINUS IS QUICKLY BECOMING THE
TALK OF BROADWAY'S REOPENING
HERE WITH MORE IS LINUS MINUS
AND HIS VOLUNTEER, ROY
HI, THERE
HI, THERE, COLIN
YES, I FOUND A VOLUNTEER TO BE
HYPNOTIZED ON YOUR SHOW.
HE'S A MEMBER OF YOUR SECURITY
STAFF HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE."
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HEY, ROY, HOW YOU FEELING?
NERVOUS?
OH, MAN, COME ON, NOW
THIS LITTLE SILLY MAGIC STUFF
AIN'T GOING TO WORK ON ME, JACK.
HUMOR ME, ROY, AND IMAGINE
YOURSELF ON A CLOUD, ROY
AND AS I COUNT DOWN FROM FIVE,
YOU SLIP FURTHER INTO THE CLOUD,
ROY.
FIVE, FOUR, YOU'RE FALLING,
THREE, TWO, DEEPER ROY, ONE, AND
SLIP
ALL RIGHT, NOW, ROY IS IN A
STATE OF SUGGESTIVE HYPNOSIS,
MEANING -- OK.
OH, DEAR
J IS EVERYTHING OK
I THINK HE WAS A LITTLE TOO
RELAXED AND HE TINGLED JUST A
LITTLE BIT
I APOLOGIZE BUTWE'LL HAVE TO
ACCOUNTED THIS SHORT
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR WAKE, YOU
WILL RETURN TO A STATE OF ACTIVE
CONSCIOUSNESS.
AND WAKE
HEY, MAN.
WHY ARE MY PANTS WET
YOU MADE ME PISS MYSELF ON LIVE
TV
SLEEP
WHY DID YOU PUT HIM TO SLEEP
AGAIN?
WELL -- HE GRABBED ME
AND I FELT A LITTLE BIT SCARED
FOR MY LIFE.
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE" YOU
WILL NOT BE ANGRY ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING ON IN YOUR PANTS, YOU WILL
BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, AND WAKE!
OH, WHAT YOU DOING FEELS SO
GOOD, ZENDAYA!
SLEEP
ROY MADE THE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS
IN HIS PANTS A SEXUAL FANTASY
WITH ZENDAYA
I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GET ROY
OFFSTAGE
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO,
COLIN.
ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE,"
ZENDAYA IS GONE.
ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE.
AND WAKE
WHAT HAPPENED TO ZENDAYA?
WHAT'D YOU DO TO ZENDAYA, YOU
SON OF A BITCH
ROY
ROY?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ZENDAYA.
I AM NOT THE REASON ZENDAYA
ISN'T HERE
AND WAKE
OH, NO, I KILLED ZENDAYA!
AND I PEED MY PANTS!
HELP, HELP
GO TO SLEEP
OK
ONE MORE TIME.
ROY, UNWAKE YOUR PANTS ARE NOT
WET.
THEY'RE DRY.
ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE, BUT ZENDAYA
IS ALIVE AND SAFE.
YOU ARE CALM, YOU'RE JUST HERE
DOING A NORMAL JOB WHAT YOU DO
EVERY SATURDAY HERE AT "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
AND WAKE
AND HOW DO YOU FEEL, ROY?
GREAT
I SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK,
THOUGH
HEY, MICHAEL CHE, PLEASE TELL
THEM STRIPPERS IN YOUR DRESSING
ROOM TO PUT ON A MASK.
HEY, SLEEP!
LINUS MINUS AND ROY,
EVERYONE
I'M MICHAEL CHE
I'M COLIN JOST.
I'M MICHAEL CHE
I'M COLIN JOST.
GOOD NIGHT
YEAH.
IS IT -- IS IT TOO SOFT?
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME
I FEEL LIKE GOLDILOCKS
HI, CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS OUT
WITH ANYTHING?
YEAH, WELL, WE'RE LOOKING FOR
A MATTRESS
BUT WE'RE TORN BETWEEN THESE
TWO.
WELL, IT IS A BIG DECISION.
WE DO SPEND A THIRD OF OUR LIVES
IN BED
WOW, THAT IS SO, SO TRUE.
HONEY, WHY DON'T WE TRY IT OUT
SO WE CAN SEE, LIKE, HOW IT
WOULD REALLY FEEL?
YEAH, YEAH.
SOMETIMES I GET HOME LATE FROM
WORK AND IT WAKES HER UP
OH, SURE.
WELL, TRY IT OUT, YOU'LL BARELY
FEEL ANY MOVEMENT.
GO AHEAD
WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHO'S FINALLY HOME.
WHERE WERE YOU
WELL, DENISE, YOU'RE AWAKE.
I AM, AND YOU REEK OF
VERMOUTH AND WHORES.
CAN WE NOT DO THIS TONIGHT?
OH, OH, SO I'M THE PROBLEM?
GO TO HELL
THIS FEELS GOOD, RIGHT
I LOVE IT.
YES, THIS IS REALLY
COMFORTABLE.
OKAY.
YEAH, I CAN REALLY PICTURE US
ON THIS.
YEAH.
GOOD NIGHT, MY LOVE
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU WERE BEING WEIRD AT THE
PARTY TONIGHT.
I WAS HAVING FUN.
YOU WERE TALKING TO ANDREA!
nd ANDREA IS A BITCH
AM I ON TRIAL, YOU NAGGING
SHREW.
THIS IS NICE.
HONESTLY, I ALMOST FELL
ASLEEP
NO.
YOU GUYS WERE DOING A LITTLE
PLAY
WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THE
MATTRESS IS PERFECT.
LIKE YOU SAID, WE SPEND SOME
THREE THIRDS IN OUR LIVES IN
BED.
THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID
HONEY, LET'S TRY THE OTHER
ONE.
RICHARD, NO
I'M TIRED.
EALLY
YOU'VE BEEN TIRED FOR A MONTH,
DENISE
WHATEVER, GOOD NIGHT
OH, DENISE.
OH, YOU ARE DRIVING ME WILD
RIGHT NOW.
RICHARD -
THIS NIGHTGOWN.
RICHARD, NO
HOT LADY GETS BELT ATTENTION
YOU'RE DISGUSTING
OH, YEAH
WE LOVE THIS ONE
LOVE THIS ONE
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE I'M LYING ON A
CLOUD.
SO WHAT DO WE THINK
HELLO?
YOU GUYS ASLEEP?
AAHH!
THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE
I'LL GET THE GUN!
WHEN DID YOU PUT BACK THERE
NO, RICHARD, NOT THAT GUN
HERE
USE THE KILLING GUN!
GOOD THINKING, DENISE
BANG!
BANG
OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED THE
INTRUDER
YOU PROTECTED ME
OH, DAMMIT, I'M SO HORNY FOR
YOU.
YOU COME TO ME.
YES
DO ME LIKE I'M IN ADULT
DETENTION.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH,
ENOUGH, ENOUGH
PLEASE, DO YOU WANT TO BUY THIS
MATTRESS OR WHAT
OH, GOD
OH, GOD.
THE INTRUDER'S STILL ALIVE AND
HE HAS YOUR GUN!
BANG
OH!
OH, I'M HIT!
NO, RICHARD
GOOD-BYE, DENISE.
I LOVE YOU
OH, YOU SAVED ME.
BUT I'M SO HORNY
OH, BUT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD, HE'S
DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN!
DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN!
SLEEPYTOWN USA.
A BED FOR WIFE, A BED FOR LIFE
ONCE AGAIN, YOUNG THUG.
♪
♪
LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ♪
HOPE TO HEAR YOU COME AROUND ANY
DAY ♪
♪ I LOVE WHEN YOU CALL ME ABOUT
ANYTHING ♪
♪
♪ BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU
♪
♪ BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU
AND ♪
YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN
ANYTHING ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHINGG
♪ SEE ANYTHING
♪
♪ ♪♪
♪
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
♪ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE
MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO
GET TICKETS FOR MONTHS
HOW DID YOU GET THEM
LET'S SAY I KNOW THE RIGHT
PEOPLE AND I SPEND A
RIDICULOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT OF
MONEY ON THIS.
HOWEVER YOU DID IT, YOU MADE
MY YEAR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO
SEE ANGELO
I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
HE'S AMAZING.
THE REVIEW SAYS HE TAKES YOU
ON A SPECTACULAR MUSICAL
JOURNEY.
APPARENTLY ALL HE NEEDS IS ONE
WORD AND SONGS JUST FLOW OUT OF
HIM.
ONE WORD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
INTERNATIONAL SINGING SENSATION,
ANGELO
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
CAN I GET ONE WORD
GO AHEAD, GIVE HIM A WORD
OH, OKAY.
BICYCLE!
SAY FOR ME?
BICYCLE
SAY FOR ME?
BICYCLE
SECOND VERSE.
♪ IF I LIGHT UP FOR M
THIS ONE TONIGHT ♪
THANK YOU SO MUCH I
HE JUST CREATED THAT BEAUTIFUL
SONG ON THE SPOT
I GUESS
I DIDN'T REALLY HEAR HIM SINGING
ABOUT BICYCLES, THOUGH
SHH, HERE WE GO
CAN I GET ANOTHER WORD?
GO AHEAD, LANCE, DO IT.
WHAT, ME AGAIN?
YES, YOU HAVE FUN
OKAY.
BANANA
SAY FOR ME?
BANANA.
SAY -- SAY FOR ME AGAIN
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.
♪ IF ALLOWED I SING
LIKE THIS FOR LONG TIM
YOU SING LIKE THIS
FOR ME TONIGHT ♪
THANK YOU SO MUCH
THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES?
I KNOW, IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT
I MEAN, I REALLY -- I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND HIM
BECAUSE HE'S NOT FROM THIS
COUNTRY, LANCE
OKAY, WELL I'M NOT FROM THIS
COUNTRY AND YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
ME
NO.
I DON'T.
AND NOW I BRING DANCE FOR
THIS
OH!
OH, MY GOD
IT'S TODD!
WHO'S TODD?
I READ ABOUT HIM.
HE'S WHAT'S NEXT IN DANCE.
OH, OH.
♪ SOMETIMES WHEN IT
ONE WORD ♪
YES, ONE WORD
ME AGAIN?
ALL RIGHT.
ROAD TRIP.
SAY FOR ME?
SAY FOR ME?
ROAD TRIP
SAY FOR ME?
SAY FOR ME?
OH, COME ON
ROAD TRIP!
♪ IF I LIGHT UP FOR M
ANOTHER TIME
IF I EVER SIT HERE ♪
OH!
THANK YOU FOR THIS.
OH!
ANGELO AND TODD!
ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT.
ALL THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED FOR
US
ARE YOU SURE?
I MEAN, TODD -- HE SEEMS A BIT
NERVOUS.
WELL, THEY ARE TELLING THEIR
STORY.
IT'S ABOUT COMING HERE FROM A
WAR-TORN COUNTRY
BUT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING
THAT
WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
A COUNTRY THAT --
ALL RIGHT, WELL THAT'S NOT A
REAL PLACE
OKAY, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT
THIS
YOU NEED TO GO INTO NEW
SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN HEART.
I'M TRYING, OKAY?
ANOTHER WORD FOR ONE?
ONE SUGGEST
ONE SUGGEST
YOU KNOW WHAT
FINE
TRY THIS
MESOTHELIOMA
HUH?
MESOTHELIOMA.
MESOTHELIOMA.
OH, WOW, THEY GOT THAT.
THAT'S QUITE IMPRESSIVE, I
SUPPOSE.
WHY
WHY IS THAT IMPRESSIVE
♪ I WANT TO KNO
WHAT LOVE IS
I WANT YOU T
SHOW ME WHAT LOVE IS ♪
WOW
WOW.
WOW.
NOW HE HAS RHYTHM.
I GET THAT
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL
THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH
♪ I WANT TO KNO
WHAT LOVE IS
I WANT YOU T
SHOW ME ♪
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
THAT'S WONDERFUL
COME ON, PEOPLE, GIVE IT UP,
GIVE IT UP
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO
GIVE IT UP
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO
AND TODD
SUCH A THINK
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
OH
I'LL NEVER FORGET IT
THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG.
DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND
THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG.
DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND
ALL OF YOU