Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 47, Episode 1 - Owen Wilson/Kacey Musgraves - full transcript

ABOUT THE DEADLY DRONE STRIKE.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I WENT THE

ENTIRE SUMMER WITHOUT FALLING DOWN
THE STAIRS ONCE. IT'S PRETTY DARN GOOD.

AND HEY... BROADWAY'S BACK!
THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT? YEAH.

SO IS THE
TALIBAN. WIN SOME, LOSE SOME.

UNLIKE OUR LAST PRESIDENT, I TRY TO STAY
OUT OF THE LIMELIGHT. LIKE AN OIL CHANGE.

YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT ME UNTIL YOU
ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. NOW AMERICA NEEDS ME.

DEMOCRATS NEED ME. I HAVE A
SOCIAL AGENDA I HAVE TO GET PASSED.

SO NOW I'M BRINGING TOGETHER THE DEMOCRATS
LIKE VOLTRON. THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT COLORS,

BUT FUNDAMENTALLY THEY'RE ROBOTS.
ON ONE SIDE WE HAVE THE MODERATE

ON ONE SIDE WE HAVE THE MODERATE
DEMOCRATS LIKE KYRSTEN SINEMA FROM ARIZONA.

WHAT DO I WANT FROM THIS BILL?
I'LL NEVER TELL BECAUSE I DIDN'T



COME TO CONGRESS TO MAKE
FRIENDS. AND SO FAR, MISSION

ACCOMPLISHED. IS IT JUST ME OR DOES
SHE LOOK LIKE ALL OF THE CHARACTERS

FROM "SCOOBY DOO" AT THE SAME
TIME? AND ANOTHER PAIN IN MY KEISTER

THE DE FACTO PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES, JOE MANCHIN FROM WEST VIRGINIA.

YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M A DEMOCRAT FROM WEST

VIRGINIA. IF I VOTE FOR ELECTRIC
CARS, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME.

ON THE OTHER SIDE, WE HAVE TWO
MEMBERS OF THE PROGRESSIVE CAUCUS.

ILHAN OMAR FROM MINNESOTA. THANK
YOU, JOE, FOR NOT CALLING MY KAMALA.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, I WAS
DESIGNED IN A LAB TO GIVE TUCKER CARLSON A HEART

ATTACK. FINALLY, ALEXANDRIA...
I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO SAY YOUR

WHOLE NAME. AOC FROM NUEVA
YORK.

IT'S ME, THE "CRUELLA" OF THE MET
GALA. I WORE A DRESS THAT SAID "TAX

THE RICH," THEN SPEND THE WHOLE
NIGHT PARTYING WITH THE RICH. OOPS.

NOW LET'S GET INTO THIS AGENDA TOGETHER
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO REALIZE, HEY, WE'RE ALL



ON THE SAME PAGE. WE'RE ALL
SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M SAYING WE NEED AT
LEAST $300 BILLION IN CLEAN ENERGY TAX

CREDITS. YEAH. I'M SAYING ZERO.

SEE? SAME PAGE. THERE'S
A LOT OF GOOD STUFF IN

THIS BILL LIKE 12 WEEKS OF
PAID FAMILY LEAVE. SIX DAYS.

SIX WHOLE DAYS OF PAID...
UNPAID. UNPAID... SIX WHOLE DAYS...

NIGHTS... SIX NIGHTS OF UNPAID
THAT'S NOT A BAD COMPROMISE,

RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU WANT IN
RETURN? WHAT ABOUT A CHILD TAX

CREDIT? GREAT IDEA. I'VE
ALWAYS SAID CHILDREN

SHOULDN'T PAY TAXES. THAT'S A LOT
OF MATH. BUT IF WE GIVE CHILDREN TOO

MUCH LEEWAY, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THEM TO
WORK IN THE MINES? OKAY, WE NEED THEIR TINY HANDS

TO DIG. ALL THE BIG
PIECES OF COAL ARE GONE.

WE NEED THE LITTLE KID FINGERS TO GATHER THE
LITTLE PIECES. OKAY, LET'S GET REAL BASIC.

ROADS. EVERYONE OKAY
WITH ROADS? I LIKE ROADS.

YEAH, ME, TOO. ROADS ARE
WHERE TRUCKS LIVE. KYRSTEN?

I WANT NO ROADS. NO ROADS? WHY?

CHAOS. WHAT ABOUT WATER?
WE'RE ALLOTING... LET'S SEE,

WE'RE ALLOTING 65 BILLION FOR
WATER. WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF WATER.

DOES IT COME WITH A MERMAID? NO, IT
WAS GOOD. WHAT DO YOU SAY, JOE, YOU

GOOD WITH WATER? I
DON'T LIKE THE TASTE. FINE.

LET'S FOCUS ON THE TWO THINGS
THAT POLL BEST WITH ALL AMERICANS.

LOWERING THE PRICE OF
PRESCRIPTION DRUGS... NO.

AND RAISING TAXES ON
BILLIONAIRES. ALL RIGHT THEN.

JUST TELL US, KYRSTEN, WHAT DO
YOU LIKE? WHAT IS GOOD TO YOU?

YELLOW STARBURSTS. THE FILM "POLAR
EXPRESS." WHEN SOMEONE EATS FISH ON AN

AIRPLANE.
CAN'T WE COMPROMISE ON

ANYTHING? ISN'T SOMETHING
BETTER THAN NOTHING?

LOOK, AS A WINE-DRINKING, BISEXUAL
TRIATHLETE, I KNOW WHAT THE

AVERAGE AMERICAN WANTS. THEY WANT
TO BE PUT ON HOLD WHEN THEY CALL 9-1-1.

THEY WANT BRIDGES THAT JUST STOP AND CARS
FALL DOWN. THEY WANT WATER SO THICK YOU CAN

EAT IT WITH A FORK. AND I WILL
FIGHT FOR THAT NO MATTER WHAT.

UNLESS MY FOOT HURTS. THEN
I'VE GOT TO GO BACK TO ARIZONA.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT ONE

LAST ITEM ON THIS AGENDA. THE
MOST IMPORTANT ONE. DREAMS.

OH, GOD, NOT AGAIN. OH, COME ON.
DON'T TAKE DREAMS AWAY FROM ME.

WE NEED TO REMIND PEOPLE OF THE
GRANDEUR OF AMERICAN RAIL TRAVEL.

THE QUIET CAR, THE SEATS THAT FACE BACKWARDS,
THE SLIDING BATHROOM DOORS THAT DON'T REALLY

LOCK. YOU
OPEN IT UP, CATCH A GLIMPSE

OF AN OLD MAN ON A TOILET.
A FULL BOTTLE OF GATORADE

ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR OF THE
TRAIN. IT GOES THAT WAY, IT GOES BACK.

WITHOUT TRAINS, NO
AMERICA. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING

THIS TO MY WHITE BOSS, BUT IT'S GOING
TO BE OKAY. IT'S GOING TO BE MORE THAN

TODAY. TAKE IT FROM ME,
GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.

US GOVERNORS HAVE HAD EACH OTHER'S BACKS NO
MATTER WHAT. YOU KNOW WHAT ITALIANS LIKE TO

DO? HUG AND KISS AND RUN THEIR
FINGERS UP EACH OTHER'S BACKS.

SO LET'S ALL COME TOGETHER. OOPS, BAD CHOICE
OF WORDS THERE. AND LET'S GET THIS BILL PASSED

TODAY. JUST LIKE ME, IT
DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE.

THEN A THIRD CHANCE. AND AT LEAST UP TO
11 CHANCES. OH, AND I WANT TO PLUG MY NEW

BOOK. MY FIRST WAS CALLED
"LESSONS IN LEADERSHIP."

AND MY NEW ONE IS CALLED
"WHOOPS."

AND I'M PROMOTING MY NEW BOOK.
"SANDWICHES I HAVE LIKED AND

TRIED." HELLO.

I'M CHUCK SCHUMER. YOU MAY
REMEMBER ME, BUT YOU DON'T.

I HOPE YOU'VE
ENJOYED OUR LITTLE RAP SESS.

YOU KNOW. NEXT TIME YOU GET AN
EMAIL FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY WITH A

SCARY, DESPERATE SUBJECT LINE LIKE, "IT'S ALL
OVER, JENNIFER. DEMOCRACY IS DEAD UNLESS YOU

DONATE $7 NOW! ♪♪ ♪♪

MUSICAL GUEST KACEY MUSGRAVES.
AND YOUR HOST OWEN WILSON. ♪♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
OWEN WILSON! ♪♪

THANK
YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. HELLO.
YES, WE ARE DOING IT.

THE SEASON PREMIER OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE".

NOW, A LOT HAD CHANGED SINCE LAST
SEASON. THE VACCINE CAME OUT EVERYWHERE

EXCEPT FLORIDA. AND THE REST OF THE COUNTRY
WENT BACK TO NORMAL FOR ABOUT A WEEK

AND A HALF. BUT IT IS WONDERFUL
TO BE HERE AROUND PEOPLE AGAIN.

I'VE GOT MY TWO BROTHERS HERE.
NOW, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE I'M A

LITTLE BIT NERVOUS TO BE HERE, BUT I'M GOING
TO USE SOMETHING I LEARNED GROWING UP BEING A

MIDDLE CHILD WHERE SOMETIMES YOU'RE THE FORGOTTEN
ONE SO YOU HAVE TO TAP INTO THIS FEELING

WITH YOUR PARENTS THAT'S LIKE, HEY, GET A
LOAD OF ME. OF COURSE, IF YOU TAP INTO THAT

FEELING TOO MUCH, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF AT
MILITARY SCHOOL IN NEW MEXICO AT 16 LIKE I DID.

MY DAD ALWAYS SAID HE WAS THE CHARTER MEMBER
OF THE 3790 CLUB, WHICH THREE SONS, 7 HIGH

SCHOOLS, 9 COLLEGES, 0 DEGREES.
WHICH WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY

GENEROUS OF MY DAD TO PUT IT LIKE THAT BECAUSE
MY BROTHERS ONLY WENT TO ONE HIGH SCHOOL AND

COLLEGE EACH. BUT, REASON, I'M
EXCITED TO BE HERE DOING SOMETHING LIVE.

I MEAN, THIS IS WHAT MUSICIANS TALK ABOUT WHERE
YOU GET THAT INSTANT FEEDBACK FROM THE CROWD

BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WHEN YOU DO A MOVIE, YOU
DO IT AND WAIT A YEAR TO HEAR HOW YOU DID.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE TONIGHT.
REVIEWS WILL BE COMING IN IMMEDIATELY.

PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY TWEETING REVIEWS
RIGHT NOW. AND I KNOW THEY SAY DON'T READ

REVIEWS OR ACTUALLY THEY SAY IF YOU READ
THE GOOD ONES, YOU GOT TO READ THE BAD ONES.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. I JUST READ THE GOOD ONES.

I REALLY FIND THAT THE BAD ONES, THEY
DON'T REALLY SPEAK TO ME IN THE SAME WAY.

NOW ROT TON TOMATOES HAS THAT GREEN
THING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO STAY AWAY FROM.

HOWEVER, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE A
BAD ONE WILL MAKE IT PASSED MY RADAR.

ONE BAD ONE SAID OWEN WILSON'S ON SCREEN
PERSONA HAS ALL THE AMBITIOUS OF AN OLD GOLDEN

RETRIEVER LAYING NEXT TO A FIRE.
AND IT KIND OF GOT WORSE FROM

THERE. AND, YOU KNOW, TO BE
HONEST, I PROBABLY HAVE BEEN GUILTY AT

TIMES OF COASTING A LITTLE, TAKING MY FOOT
OFF THE PEDAL, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS RETIRED AND ALL THAT PRESSURE
LANDED ON MY SHOULDERS, EVERYTHING CHANGED.

AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW I HAD
TO DO "CARS 3." AND REALLY...

AND REALLY THAT'S
WHAT TONIGHT IS ABOUT, TAKING

CHANCES, SPREADING YOUR WINGS AS AN
ARTIST. BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO

GO CRAZY. YOU GOT TO PACE YOURSELF.
AND IS IT THE WORST THING IN THE

WORLD BEING A GOLDEN RETRIEVER LAYING NEXT
TO A FIRE? I MEAN, I KNOW EVERYONE COMES

OUT HERE AND SAYS IT'S GOING
TO BE A GREAT SHOW. IS IT?

I MEAN, I'M
BETTING ON IT, OF COURSE.

I'M BETTING ON A LOT OF THINGS
LATELY. I HAVE A BIT OF A GAMBLING

PROBLEM. BUT, HEY, WHAT WE LOSE ON
THE ROOMS WE MAKE ON THE SANDWICHES,

RIGHT? SO I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS PUT ON YOUR COZIEST

FLANNEL AND MAYBE WE JUST CHILL OUT FOR THE
NEXT 90 MINUTES. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GET COMFY.

I KNOW THEY SAID, OWEN, COME ON. WE DON'T
WANT TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO BE SLEEPING.

YEAH, BUT ALSO I'M NOT GOING TO STAND
HERE AND TELL PEOPLE NOT TO DREAM.

AND IN MY AMERICA, MOST PEOPLE
DREAM BETTER WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED.

NOW, COME ON. WHO'S WITH ME?
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT. KACEY MUSGRAVES IS HERE,
SO STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE RIGHT

STICK AROUND AND WE'LL
BE RIGHT BACK. APPLAUSE

TALKING," WHERE WE DISCUSS EVERYTHING THAT
WOMEN CAN HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT AT 11:30 IN THE

MORNING. LATER WE'LL TALK ABOUT
BIDEN'S INFRASTRUCTURE BILLS, BUT FIRST

CROCK POT LASAGNA. NOW THIS
SOUNDS GROSS TO ME. ANYONE ELSE?

I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT'S
AN AIR FRYER? WHAT IS THIS?

LADIES, IF SOMETHINGS FRIED, I
WON'T EAT IT. DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT.

NOW, LOOK, AS YOU ALL KNOW, MY
HUSBAND IS VERY WELL ENDOWED, OKAY.

AND HE ACTUALLY COOKS DINNER FOR US, AND HE
LOVES THE AIR FRYER. OKAY, HERE'S WHAT I DON'T

GET. HOW DOES AIR FRY SOMETHING?
HOW DOES AIR MAKE IT FRY?

OKAY, CHARLOTTE, NONE OF US KNOW.
AND I DON'T REALLY LOVED HOW YOU

ASKED THAT. SORRY. YOU HAVE...

YOU... HOW DID I ASK?
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

MOVING ON. THE
STOCK MARKET. MMM.

I LIKE IT. SEE, I DO, TOO. YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
LADIES KNOW THIS, BUT... DON'T SAY IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW I GOT TO SAY IT,
AND I WAS GOING TO SAY... GO AHEAD.

WELL, MY HUSBAND IS VERY WELL
ENDOWED. YEAH, YOU SAID THAT.

YEAH. YOUR CHILDREN ARE
RUDE. YOU'RE A BAD FRIEND.

YOU'RE A BAD FRIEND. LADIES,
LADIES, PLEASE. LADIES, ENOUGH.

ENOUGH. ENOUGH. HELLO.

I'M SORRY, I NEED TO INFORM YOU
OF YOUR COVID TEST RESULTS. OH, HI.

HERE? YES, MA'AM. I JUST
RECEIVED THEM, AND THIS

IS WHERE YOU ARE SO I BROUGHT THEM
HERE. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CONFIRM

SOME INFORMATION. OKAY.
BUT DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS ON

AIR? YEAH. WE'VE GOT
TO DO IT ON TV FOR

HIPAA REASONS. NOW, WE EITHER
CAN'T TELL ANYBODY OR HAVE TO TELL

EVERYBODY, NO MIDDLE GROUND.
OKAY. CAN I GET YOUR FULL NAME?

DIDI CALRISION.
CORRECT. DATE OF BIRTH?

MAY 13th. MAY 13th WHAT? 1982.

DAMN, DIDI, YOU ARE YOUNGER
THAN YOU LOOK. THANKS.

WAIT... HEY. WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE IN THE LAST 72 HOURS?

LIKE IN GENERAL?
YES. CAME TO WORK.

GOOGLED MYSELF. I
DON'T KNOW. OKAY.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, THE COVID TEST CAME BACK
POSITIVE. SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME

WITH ME. OH, NO.
WELL, BYE, EVERYBODY.

WOW. WOW. VIEWERS,
IT LOOKS LIKE DIDI HAD

A BREAKTHROUGH CASE.
IT HAPPENS. IT HAPPENS.

OBVIOUSLY, WE'VE ALL BEEN VACCINATED.
DOZENS, DOZENS, AND DOZENS OF

TIMES. YEAH. WOW.

WELL, SHE IS GOING TO BE SAD TO MISS THIS
NEXT SEGMENT. BECAUSE WE ARE TALKING TO THE

LEADER OF THE VATICAN HIMSELF,
THE POPE. NOW, HELP ME OUT.

IS IT THE POPE OR DA POPE? I
THINK IT'S JUST POPE. I CAN'T KEEP UP.

OKAY. IN JUST A MINUTE, POPE
IS GOING TO TELL US ABOUT...

DO YOU SWTICH YOUR PURSE FOR FALL
BECAUSE I DON'T. I ONLY SWITCH FOR SUMMER.

ARE WE DOING HALLOWEEN
THIS YEAR? YEAH.

MY TREE'S UP. MA'AM, I NEED TO SPEAK
WITH YOU TO DO SOME CONTACT TRACING.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN CONTACT WITH ANYONE WHO HAS
TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID IN THE LAST 72 HOURS?

OKAY. YOU JUST TOOK DIDI
AWAY FOR HAVING COVID.

GOOD MEMORY. CAN YOU CONFIRM
YOUR NAME? MOONEY TALKING.

AND NUMBER OF
SEXUAL PARTNERS? OH.

JUST ONE. OKAY. THAT'S
NOT WHAT I HAVE HERE.

I'M SORRY. CAN WE GO TO COMMERCIAL?
OH, THEY'RE SAYING WE'RE OUT.

OF COMMERCIALS? WELL, THE BAD NEWS IS
ONE OF YOU LADIES ALSO TESTED POSITIVE,

BUT I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ON LIVE TV SO I'LL
BE DISCREET. I'LL JUST PUT MY HAND ON THE

HEAD OF THE PERSON
WHO HAS COVID. OKAY, OKAY.

BYE, EVERYONE. WOW.
WELL, THIS IS VERY BIZARRE

BECAUSE I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW
MANY TIMES WE'VE ALL BEEN VACCINATED.

COUNTLESS TIMES. YEAH.
LET'S GO TO OUR NEXT TOPIC.

WOMEN BUYING THEIR OWN ENGAGEMENT
RINGS. I THINK THE BOYS SHOULD BUY

IT. SORRY, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
REMOVE YOU, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO

MAKE A BIG DEAL OF IT.
WHAT? I'VE GOT COVID?

NO, YOU'VE GOT HPV. DOES
THAT MEAN I CAN'T BE ON TV?

IT DOES. WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE IT'S JUST ME NOW.

OKAY. WAIT, NO. I'M GETTING WORD.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THEY WERE FALSE

POSITIVES. NOT THE HPV,
THOUGH. SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

FOR DECADES THE "STAR
TREK" FRANCHISE HAS BROUGHT YOU

UNFORGETTABLE VOYAGES FROM THE FINAL
FRONTIER. NOW, THE TRADITION CONTINUES

WITH A NEW SHIP, A NEW CREW, AND A
NEW CAPTAIN. AMAZON FOUNDER JEFF BEZOS.

EGO QUEST" THE VOYAGES OF THE S.S. NEW

SHEPPARD. AND HIS CREW OF
RANDOM WEIRDOES. CAPTAIN JEFF BEZOS.

HELL YES. FIRST MATE JEFF
BEZOS' BROTHER WHOSE NAME IS...

SCIENCE OFFICER SOME RANDOM RICH
HIGH SCHOOL KID FROM THE NETHERLANDS

WHOA! WHOA! WE
HIT A SPACE STATION.

OOPS, DON'T CARE. BUT AROUND
EVERY CORNER, DANGER LURKS.

INCOMING TORPEDO! WHO THE HELL'S
FIRING AT US? HELLO, JEFF BEZOS.

ELON MUSK. YOU SON OF A BITCH.
SO, SPACE IS ONLY BIG ENOUGH

FOR ONE WEIRD WHITE BILLIONAIRE. SO YOU
CAN SAY BEATING YOU IS MY PRIME OBJECTIVE.

THEY'LL NEED ALL THE HELP THEY CAN GET
FROM A LOYAL TEAM OF VALUED EMPLOYEES.

WOW. CAPTAIN, WE HAVE A
REQUEST TO BEAM ONBOARD.

OKAY. BEAM HIM UP. SPACE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M UP HERE.
ADIOS. BY THE WAY, IT'S AN HONOR TO

MEET YOU, SIR. PEOPLE SAY YOU DON'T
CARE ABOUT THE AMAZON EMPLOYEES, BUT I

DISAGREE. OH, WOW, JUST GOING
TO THROW ME OUT LIKE THAT.

CAN I USE THE BATHROOM REAL
QUICK? HEY, MAN, I'M NOT PEEING IN

THIS! "STAR TREK: EGO QUEST"
STREAMING THIS CHRISTMAS.

STREAMING THIS CHRISTMAS. WHAT
SHOULD WE DO? WE DO A COUPLE LAPS?

♪♪ THERE HE IS. OWEN
FREAKING WILSON, DUDE.

ALL RIGHT. BRING IT IN. TIME
TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS.

BACK AT IT AGAIN. YEP.
DUDE, BY THE WAY, "LOKI"?

DUDE, YOU CRUSHED IT. YEAH.
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET BUT I

HEAR IT'S AMAZING. YEAH, I'M PROUD
OF IT. BUT HEY, THIS IS EXCITING, TOO.

"CARS 4." I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY
WERE PLANNING TO DO ANOTHER ONE.

YEAH, PIXAR IS KEEPING IT PRETTY
QUIET. I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN A FULL

SCRIPT YET. THEY'RE JUST SENDING
OVER LITTLE CHUNKS OF DIALOGUE SO THE

ANIMATORS CAN START WORKING, SO
THAT IS WHAT WE'LL BE RECORDING TODAY.

GREAT. I'LL HOP IN THE
BOOTH AND LET'S DO THIS.

HEY. KACHOW. KACHOW!

YES, DUDE! THERE IT IS.
OH, LET ME GET THIS ON.

WHENEVER YOU ARE READY, O-TOWN.
HERE WE GO. RADIATOR SPRINGS, HERE I COME!

PERFECT, MOVING ON. RETURN TO
RACING? YOU BET I CAN STILL WIN THE

PISTON CUP. AMAZING. NEXT.

BACK OFF, JACKOFF. BACK OFF,
JACKSASS, I WASN'T LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE.

NAILED IT, DUDE.
NEXT. I AM SPEED.

KACHOW. LOVE IT.
CALM DOWN, JERKOFF.

I DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR DAUGHTER. SHE
WAS COMING ON TO ME.

HEY, HOLD IT A SECOND.
CAN WE STOP? YEAH.

WHAT'S WRONG, O? THAT WAS
FEELING REALLY GOOD. YEAH.

SO GOOD MAN, YOU'RE
KILLING IT, O. YEAH, THANKS.

I'M JUST A LITTLE THROWN BY A FEW LINES
IN HERE. WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON IN THIS

MOVIE? YOU KNOW, AGAIN, I HAVEN'T
SEEN A FULL SCRIPT, BUT I WOULD

GUESS THAT LIGHTNING McQUEEN COMES
OUT OF RETIREMENT TO DO ONE LAST RACE.

SO IF IT'S COOL WITH YOU,
LET'S KEEP GOING. TOP OF THREE.

ON YOU, O. KACHOW. PERFECT.

NEXT LINE. GROW UP,
MAN. YOUR SISTER SURE DID.

NICE. ALL RIGHT.

MOVING ON. SO WHAT
COLLEGES DO YOU GIRLS GO TO?

OH, YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL? COULD
HAVE FOOLED ME. PERFECT, MOVING ON.

WINNING THE PISTON CUP COULD HAVE SAVED THIS
WHOLE TOWN. AND I CAN'T RACE BECAUSE OF ONE

BAD DATE? THIS IS A
WITCH HUNT, YOUR HONOR.

WAIT. LIGHTNING'S
IN COURT? YEAH.

WHAT'S THE ISH, O? THE ISH IS THAT I
THINK LIGHTNING McQUEEN IS THE BAD GUY

IN THIS. NO. NO.

RIGHT? NO WAY. WELL,
I MEAN, IT FEELS LIKE

THERE'S A LOT OF HIM CREEPING ON GIRL CARS AND
THEN ARGUING WITH THEIR DADS AND HUSBANDS AND

STUFF. I MEAN, IT'S KIND OF A
DEPARTURE FOR THE CHARACTER.

HMM. INTERESTING. YOU
KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T WE GET

LARRY IN HERE. MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE
BETTER TO HAVE SOMEONE TO DO YOUR LINES

WITH. ALL RIGHT. LARRY
THE CABLEGUY, FLYING IN.

HEY, BUDDY. HEY, MAN.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

MAN. GOOD TO SEE
YOU. LET'S DO THIS, HUH?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, LAR, LET'S TAKE
IT FROM YOUR LINE ON THE TOP OF

FIVE THERE, BUD. YOU'S
MY BEST FRIEND, LIGHTNING.

THANKS, MATER, YOU'RE MINE,
TOO. THAT'S WHY I WAS SO UPSET

WHEN I HEARD YOU WAS CALLING
ME AN "R" WORD. LET'S STOP.

HE'S CALLING
MATER THE "R" WORD NOW?

GUYS, THAT'S HORRIBLE. OH, NO,
NO. THE "R" WORD IS RUSTY, I THINK.

RIGHT? BECAUSE MATER
IS SUPER RUSTY. OKAY.

YOU DIDN'T CALL ME RUSTY, DID YOU
LIGHTENING? NO, STOP BEING SUCH A... NO.

GUYS, THAT'S THE ACTUAL "R" WORD
RIGHT HERE, AND I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT.

ALL GOOD. ALL GOOD, O. IF
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SAY IT,

THEN SKIP THE NEXT TEN LINES, AND GO
TO THE TOP OF 15. YOU DID IT, LIGHTNING.

YOU DONE WON THE PISTON CUP. AHA,
YEAH, KACHOW. HEY, HEY, LIGHTNING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHOOT, THAT'S
MY SISTER, BUDDY. NOT TONIGHT MATER.

HEY, COME ON, LIGHTENING.
WHY HER? POWER.

COME ON.
GUYS, I'M NOT DOING THIS.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. IT'S A COMPLETE
BETRAYAL OF A BELOVED CHARACTER.

AND I REALLY DON'T WANT
ANY PART OF IT. REALLY?

BECAUSE WE JUST GOT YOUR CONTRACT
SENT OVER, SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AT IT.

OKAY. IT'S NOT ABOUT
THE MONEY. IT'S...

AND THAT'S JUST FOR THIS? UH-HUH.
DISNEY HAD A VERY GOOD YEAR.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, THIS THING'S
NOT GOING TO RECORD ITSELF.

COME ON. LET'S DO THIS
THING. KACHOW, RIGHT?

KACHOW! KA-CHING!

THIS... ALL
OF THIS... THIS IS ABOUT ISRAEL.

THIS... ALL
OF THIS... THIS IS ABOUT ISRAEL.

THIS... ALL OF THIS... THIS IS ABOUT
ISRAEL. OKAY, MA'AM... MA'AM, DO YOU

ABOUT ISRAEL. OKAY, MA'AM... MA'AM, DO
YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE SCHOOL

OKAY, MA'AM... MA'AM, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION
ABOUT THE SCHOOL DISTRICT'S COVID POLICY OR YOUR

HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE SCHOOL DISTRICT'S
COVID POLICY OR YOUR CHILD'S SAFETY?

DISTRICT'S COVID POLICY OR YOUR
CHILD'S SAFETY? I DON'T HAVE A CHILD.

CHILD'S SAFETY? I DON'T HAVE A
CHILD. AND I DON'T LIVE IN THIS TOWN.

I DON'T HAVE A CHILD. AND I DON'T LIVE
IN THIS TOWN. YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE.

AND I DON'T LIVE IN THIS TOWN.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE. NEXT.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE.
NEXT. SO I'M CONFUSED.

NEXT. SO I'M CONFUSED.
MY SON CAN'T PLAY FOOTBALL

SO I'M CONFUSED. MY SON CAN'T PLAY
FOOTBALL BECAUSE THEY SAID THE VACCINE HE

MY SON CAN'T PLAY FOOTBALL BECAUSE
THEY SAID THE VACCINE HE GOT WAS NOT VALID.

BECAUSE THEY SAID THE VACCINE
HE GOT WAS NOT VALID. OKAY.

GOT WAS NOT VALID. OKAY. WELL
THAT WAS PROBABLY AN ERROR.

OKAY. WELL THAT WAS PROBABLY AN
ERROR. WHICH VACCINE DID HE RECEIVE?

WELL THAT WAS PROBABLY AN ERROR. WHICH
VACCINE DID HE RECEIVE? HE GOT THE MIKE'S HARD

WHICH VACCINE DID HE RECEIVE?
HE GOT THE MIKE'S HARD VACCINE.

HE GOT THE MIKE'S HARD
VACCINE. MIKE'S HARD VACCINE?

VACCINE. MIKE'S HARD VACCINE?
THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT ON THE

MIKE'S HARD VACCINE? THAT'S
DEFINITELY NOT ON THE APPROVED LIST.

THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT ON THE
APPROVED LIST. I TOLD YOU, MA.

APPROVED LIST. I TOLD YOU, MA.
I TOLD YOU THAT GUY WAS LYING.

I TOLD YOU, MA. I TOLD YOU
THAT GUY WAS LYING. OKAY.

I TOLD YOU THAT GUY
WAS LYING. OKAY. NEXT.

OKAY. NEXT. HI.

NEXT. HI. I'M SO MAD
I'M LITERALLY SHAKING

HI. I'M SO MAD I'M LITERALLY
SHAKING RIGHT NOW.

I'M SO MAD I'M LITERALLY SHAKING
RIGHT NOW. FORGET COVID.

RIGHT NOW. FORGET COVID. THE
REAL THREAT IS CRITICAL RACE

FORGET COVID. THE REAL THREAT IS
CRITICAL RACE THEORY BEING TAUGHT IN OUR

THE REAL THREAT IS CRITICAL RACE
THEORY BEING TAUGHT IN OUR SCHOOLS.

THEORY BEING TAUGHT IN OUR
SCHOOLS. MY QUESTION IS... WHAT IS IT?

SCHOOLS. MY QUESTION IS... WHAT
IS IT? AND WHY AM I MAD ABOUT IT?

MY QUESTION IS... WHAT IS IT? AND WHY AM I
MAD ABOUT IT? WE ARE TAKING QUESTIONS ABOUT

AND WHY AM I MAD ABOUT IT? WE ARE TAKING
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COVID PROTOCOLS.

WE ARE TAKING QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE COVID PROTOCOLS. YES.

THE COVID PROTOCOLS.
YES. SIR, HELLO.

YES. SIR, HELLO. HI, THERE.

SIR, HELLO. HI, THERE. IF
A CHILD TESTS POSITIVE, IS

HI, THERE. IF A CHILD TESTS POSITIVE,
IS THE SCHOOL AUTHORIZED TO GIVE

IF A CHILD TESTS POSITIVE, IS THE SCHOOL
AUTHORIZED TO GIVE THEM IVERTRYPACATRAN WHICH CURED

THE SCHOOL AUTHORIZED TO GIVE THEM IVERTRYPACATRAN
WHICH CURED MY COVID IN BASICALLY LIKE HALF

THEM IVERTRYPACATRAN WHICH CURED
MY COVID IN BASICALLY LIKE HALF A DAY?

MY COVID IN BASICALLY LIKE HALF
A DAY? AND WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT?

A DAY? AND WHAT EXACTLY IS
THAT? WELL, IT'S A HORMONE GIVEN TO

AND WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT? WELL, IT'S A
HORMONE GIVEN TO ELEPHANTS TO BOOST SPERM

WELL, IT'S A HORMONE GIVEN TO ELEPHANTS
TO BOOST SPERM PRODUCTION IN CAPTIVITY.

ELEPHANTS TO BOOST SPERM
PRODUCTION IN CAPTIVITY. IT'S VERY SAFE.

PRODUCTION IN CAPTIVITY. IT'S VERY
SAFE. MY SON TOOK IT AND HAD NO

IT'S VERY SAFE. MY SON TOOK IT
AND HAD NO ADVERSE EFFECTS.

MY SON TOOK IT AND HAD NO ADVERSE
EFFECTS. WE'RE NOT AUTHORIZED TO

ADVERSE EFFECTS. WE'RE NOT
AUTHORIZED TO ADMINISTER ANY TREATMENT.

WE'RE NOT AUTHORIZED TO
ADMINISTER ANY TREATMENT. NEXT.

ADMINISTER ANY TREATMENT.
NEXT. HI THERE, I'M MR. DODD.

NEXT. HI THERE, I'M MR. DODD.
I TEACH EARTH SCIENCE AT

HI THERE, I'M MR. DODD. I TEACH EARTH
SCIENCE AT ROBERT E. LEE WAS BAD MIDDLE

I TEACH EARTH SCIENCE AT ROBERT
E. LEE WAS BAD MIDDLE SCHOOL.

ROBERT E. LEE WAS BAD MIDDLE
SCHOOL. AND LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE JUST

SCHOOL. AND LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE
JUST TRYING TO KEEP THE STUDENTS

AND LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO KEEP
THE STUDENTS SAFE, BUT I'VE LOOKED INTO IT,

TRYING TO KEEP THE STUDENTS SAFE, BUT I'VE
LOOKED INTO IT, AND I CAN'T FIND MY PROOF

SAFE, BUT I'VE LOOKED INTO IT, AND I CAN'T
FIND MY PROOF THAT SEPARATING STUDENTS BY RACE

AND I CAN'T FIND MY PROOF THAT SEPARATING
STUDENTS BY RACE IS GOING TO STOP COVID

THAT SEPARATING STUDENTS BY RACE
IS GOING TO STOP COVID TRANSMISSION.

IS GOING TO STOP COVID
TRANSMISSION. IS THAT SOMETHING YOU'RE

TRANSMISSION. IS THAT
SOMETHING YOU'RE DOING IN CLASS?

IS THAT SOMETHING YOU'RE DOING IN
CLASS? YEAH, AND I'D PREFER NOT TO.

DOING IN CLASS? YEAH, AND I'D PREFER
NOT TO. THE SCIENCE DOESN'T BACK IT UP.

YEAH, AND I'D PREFER NOT TO. THE SCIENCE
DOESN'T BACK IT UP. NOT TO MENTION I THINK IT'S,

THE SCIENCE DOESN'T BACK IT UP. NOT TO MENTION
I THINK IT'S, FRANKLY, A LITTLE RACIST.

NOT TO MENTION I THINK IT'S, FRANKLY,
A LITTLE RACIST. IT'S A LOT RACIST.

FRANKLY, A LITTLE RACIST. IT'S A LOT
RACIST. AND IT'S ALSO NOT PART OF OUR

IT'S A LOT RACIST. AND IT'S ALSO
NOT PART OF OUR COVID POLICY.

AND IT'S ALSO NOT PART OF OUR COVID
POLICY. WELL, I MEAN, I GOT THE MEMO

COVID POLICY. WELL, I MEAN, I GOT
THE MEMO RIGHT HERE, AND IT SAYS... OH,

WELL, I MEAN, I GOT THE MEMO RIGHT
HERE, AND IT SAYS... OH, MAN, OKAY.

RIGHT HERE, AND IT SAYS... OH, MAN,
OKAY. I SEE IT SAYS SEPARATE BY SIX

MAN, OKAY. I SEE IT SAYS SEPARATE BY
SIX FEET, NOT SEGREGATE BY SIX FEET.

I SEE IT SAYS SEPARATE BY SIX FEET,
NOT SEGREGATE BY SIX FEET. OKAY.

FEET, NOT SEGREGATE BY
SIX FEET. OKAY. THAT'S MY BAD.

OKAY. THAT'S MY
BAD. BONEHEAD ALERT.

THAT'S MY BAD. BONEHEAD
ALERT. WELL, I'M GLAD THAT

BONEHEAD ALERT. WELL, I'M
GLAD THAT MYSTERY'S SOLVED.

WELL, I'M GLAD THAT MYSTERY'S
SOLVED. IT'S BEEN A WEIRD TWO WEEKS.

MYSTERY'S SOLVED. IT'S BEEN A WEIRD
TWO WEEKS. AND THANK YOU GUYS.

IT'S BEEN A WEIRD TWO WEEKS. AND THANK
YOU GUYS. WE ARE SO GETTING SUED OVER

AND THANK YOU GUYS. WE ARE
SO GETTING SUED OVER THAT.

WE ARE SO GETTING
SUED OVER THAT. NEXT.

THAT. NEXT. SIR, DO
YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

NEXT. SIR, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA IS A...

SIR, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION? BARACK HUSSEIN
OBAMA IS A... WE ARE NOT DOING THAT, NEXT.

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA IS A... WE ARE NOT
DOING THAT, NEXT. JAN KRANG, J-A-N-K-RANG.

WE ARE NOT DOING THAT, NEXT. JAN KRANG,
J-A-N-K-RANG. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE COVID

JAN KRANG, J-A-N-K-RANG. THIS
IS NOT ABOUT THE COVID VIRUS.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE COVID
VIRUS. THIS IS ABOUT THE HIGH SCHOOL

VIRUS. THIS IS ABOUT THE HIGH
SCHOOL TEENS WHO MEET IN THE PARKING

THIS IS ABOUT THE HIGH SCHOOL TEENS WHO MEET
IN THE PARKING LOT NEAR MY HOME TO VAPE AND

TEENS WHO MEET IN THE PARKING LOT
NEAR MY HOME TO VAPE AND ANAL EACH OTHER.

LOT NEAR MY HOME TO VAPE AND
ANAL EACH OTHER. NO, MS. KRANG.

ANAL EACH OTHER. NO,
MS. KRANG. MS. KRANG, NO.

NO, MS. KRANG. MS. KRANG,
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

MS. KRANG, NO. NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO. GOOD-BYE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
GOOD-BYE. HI BOYS.

GOOD-BYE. HI BOYS. WE'RE
JUNIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

HI BOYS. WE'RE JUNIORS IN HIGH
SCHOOL. OUR QUESTION IS WHY CAN'T WE

WE'RE JUNIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL. OUR
QUESTION IS WHY CAN'T WE GAME IN CLASS?

OUR QUESTION IS WHY CAN'T
WE GAME IN CLASS? AGAIN.

GAME IN CLASS? AGAIN.
WE'RE HEARING COVID SAFETY

AGAIN. WE'RE HEARING
COVID SAFETY ISSUES ONLY.

WE'RE HEARING COVID SAFETY ISSUES
ONLY. BUT YOU'RE AT SCHOOL TO LEARN,

ISSUES ONLY. BUT YOU'RE AT
SCHOOL TO LEARN, NOT GAME.

BUT YOU'RE AT SCHOOL
TO LEARN, NOT GAME. BITCH.

NOT GAME. BITCH. SORRY, SORRY.

BITCH. SORRY,
SORRY. IT'S ME AGAIN.

SORRY, SORRY. IT'S ME
AGAIN. LISTEN, I E-MAILED MY

IT'S ME AGAIN. LISTEN, I E-MAILED
MY CLASS, I TOLD THEM THE

LISTEN, I E-MAILED MY CLASS, I TOLD
THEM THE SEPARATING BY RACE THING THAT'S

CLASS, I TOLD THEM THE SEPARATING BY RACE
THING THAT'S A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, AND

SEPARATING BY RACE THING THAT'S A
BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, AND THEY...

A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, AND THEY
THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO KEEP IT.

THEY... THEY ACTUALLY WANT
TO KEEP IT. IS THAT OKAY?

THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO
KEEP IT. IS THAT OKAY? NO.

IS THAT OKAY? NO. RIGHT?

NO. RIGHT? NO.

RIGHT? NO. NO?

NO. NO? OKAY, GOT YOU.

NO? OKAY, GOT YOU. GOT YOU.

OKAY, GOT YOU. GOT YOU. I
MEAN YOU GUYS ARE DOING A HECK

GOT YOU. I MEAN YOU GUYS
ARE DOING A HECK OF A JOB.

I MEAN YOU GUYS ARE DOING
A HECK OF A JOB. YOU ARE NOT.

OF A JOB. YOU ARE NOT. WAIT.

YOU ARE NOT. WAIT. I'M
SORRY... ARE YOU DOG THE

WAIT. I'M SORRY... ARE YOU
DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER?

I'M SORRY... ARE YOU DOG THE BOUNTY
HUNTER? AS YOU KNOW, I'VE JOINED THE

BOUNTY HUNTER? AS YOU KNOW, I'VE
JOINED THE HUNT FOR BRIAN LAUNDRIE.

AS YOU KNOW, I'VE JOINED THE HUNT FOR BRIAN
LAUNDRIE. MY QUESTION TO YOU IS... DO YOU

HUNT FOR BRIAN LAUNDRIE. MY QUESTION
TO YOU IS... DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS?

MY QUESTION TO YOU IS... DO YOU KNOW
WHERE HE IS? BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND THIS DUDE

KNOW WHERE HE IS? BECAUSE I
CAN'T FIND THIS DUDE ANYWHERE.

BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND THIS
DUDE ANYWHERE. WE DO NOT.

ANYWHERE. WE DO
NOT. ARE YOU SURE?

WE DO NOT. ARE YOU SURE?
I GOT NO LEADS ON THIS GUY.

ARE YOU SURE? I GOT NO LEADS ON
THIS GUY. EITHER HE'S GOT OR I'M BAD.

I GOT NO LEADS ON THIS GUY. EITHER HE'S GOT
OR I'M BAD. WE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE SEE

EITHER HE'S GOT OR I'M BAD.
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE SEE HIM.

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW
IF WE SEE HIM. RIGHT.

HIM. RIGHT. RIGHT.

RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT.

RIGHT. RIGHT. OKAY.

RIGHT. OKAY. FOLKS,
THIS IS ABOUT THE COVID

OKAY. FOLKS, THIS IS ABOUT THE
COVID POLICY AT THE DISTRICT SCHOOLS

FOLKS, THIS IS ABOUT THE COVID
POLICY AT THE DISTRICT SCHOOLS ONLY.

POLICY AT THE DISTRICT
SCHOOLS ONLY. NEXT.

ONLY. NEXT. HELLO?

NEXT. HELLO? OKAY, NOPE.

HELLO? OKAY, NOPE. AND I
CAN ALREADY TELL WHATEVER

OKAY, NOPE. AND I CAN ALREADY TELL
WHATEVER YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY OR DO WILL

AND I CAN ALREADY TELL WHATEVER YOU'RE
ABOUT TO SAY OR DO WILL NOT BE ON TOPIC.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY OR DO
WILL NOT BE ON TOPIC. SMART LADY!

NOT BE ON TOPIC.
SMART LADY! OKAY.

SMART LADY! OKAY. NEXT.

OKAY. NEXT. YES, YOU, SIR.

NEXT. YES, YOU, SIR. YES, HI.

YES, YOU, SIR. YES, HI. I
WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE

YES, HI. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU
ARE DOING TO KEEP MY SON SAFE FROM

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING
TO KEEP MY SON SAFE FROM THE LIES OF

DOING TO KEEP MY SON SAFE FROM
THE LIES OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.

THE LIES OF BARACK
HUSSEIN OBAMA. NO.

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. NO. NO.

NO. NO. NO MORE OF THAT.

NO. NO MORE OF THAT. NOW
WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?

NO MORE OF THAT. NOW WHAT IS
WITH YOU PEOPLE? ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

NOW WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?
ALL RIGHT, NEXT. OH, JUST ME.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT. OH, JUST
ME. SCARY GARY LOOMIS.

OH, JUST ME. SCARY GARY
LOOMIS. RESIDENT HALLOWEEN BUCK.

SCARY GARY LOOMIS. RESIDENT HALLOWEEN
BUCK. FOR THIS YEAR'S FALL CARNIVAL, I

RESIDENT HALLOWEEN BUCK. FOR THIS YEAR'S FALL
CARNIVAL, I WAS HOPING TO STAGE MY HAUNTED

FOR THIS YEAR'S FALL CARNIVAL, I WAS HOPING TO
STAGE MY HAUNTED HOUSE IN THE TILLMAN HIGH GYM.

WAS HOPING TO STAGE MY HAUNTED HOUSE IN THE
TILLMAN HIGH GYM. IT'S ONLY 400 ACTORS SCREAMING

HOUSE IN THE TILLMAN HIGH GYM. IT'S ONLY 400
ACTORS SCREAMING AND SPITTING OOZE AT THE

IT'S ONLY 400 ACTORS SCREAMING
AND SPITTING OOZE AT THE STUDENTS.

AND SPITTING OOZE AT THE
STUDENTS. THAT ROOM IS UNVENTILATED.

STUDENTS. THAT ROOM IS
UNVENTILATED. APPEAL DENIED.

THAT ROOM IS UNVENTILATED. APPEAL
DENIED. YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THIS.

APPEAL DENIED. YOU'RE GONNA
REGRET THIS. WE WILL NOT.

YOU'RE GONNA REGRET
THIS. WE WILL NOT. OKAY.

WE WILL NOT. OKAY.
ARE YOU GUYS READY?

OKAY. ARE YOU GUYS
READY? SORRY, NO.

ARE YOU GUYS READY? SORRY,
NO. I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE THE

SORRY, NO. I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE
THE ENERGY FOR WHATEVER THIS

I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY
FOR WHATEVER THIS PERFORMANCE IS.

ENERGY FOR WHATEVER THIS
PERFORMANCE IS. ANYONE ELSE?

PERFORMANCE IS. ANYONE ELSE?
SIR, IS THIS ABOUT THE SCHOOL

ANYONE ELSE? SIR, IS THIS ABOUT
THE SCHOOL DISTRICT'S COVID POLICY?

SIR, IS THIS ABOUT THE SCHOOL
DISTRICT'S COVID POLICY? ALL RIGHT.

DISTRICT'S COVID POLICY? ALL
RIGHT. HILLARY HUSSEIN CLINTON...

ALL RIGHT. HILLARY HUSSEIN
CLINTON... I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FELL FOR

HILLARY HUSSEIN CLINTON... I CAN'T
BELIEVE WE FELL FOR THAT AGAIN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FELL
FOR THAT AGAIN. ALL RIGHT.

THAT AGAIN. ALL RIGHT.
ANY MORE QUESTIONS?

ALL RIGHT. ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
LET ME DO ANY HAUNTED HOUSE!

ANY MORE QUESTIONS? LET ME DO ANY
HAUNTED HOUSE! NO, NO, NO, THIS IS OVER.

LET ME DO ANY HAUNTED HOUSE!
NO, NO, NO, THIS IS OVER. IT'S OVER.

NO, NO, NO, THIS IS OVER. IT'S
OVER. MEETING ADJOURNED.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KACEY
MUSGRAVES.

KACEY MUSGRAVES. ♪ IT WAS A FUN

♪ IT
WAS A FUN STRANGE SUMMER

♪ IT WAS A FUN STRANGE
SUMMER I ROLLED ON

STRANGE SUMMER I ROLLED
ON DIDN'T THINK OF YOU ♪

I ROLLED ON DIDN'T THINK
OF YOU ♪ ♪ WE LOST TOUCH

DIDN'T THINK OF YOU ♪ ♪ WE
LOST TOUCH WITH EACH OTHER

♪ WE LOST TOUCH WITH
EACH OTHER FALL CAME

WITH EACH OTHER FALL
CAME AND I HAD TO MOVE ♪

FALL CAME AND I HAD TO
MOVE ♪ ♪ MOVING BACKWARDS

AND I HAD TO MOVE ♪ ♪ MOVING
BACKWARDS HURT COMES AFTER

♪ MOVING BACKWARDS HURT COMES
AFTER HEALING DOESN'T HAPPEN

HURT COMES AFTER HEALING
DOESN'T HAPPEN IN A STRAIGHT LINE ♪

HEALING DOESN'T HAPPEN IN A
STRAIGHT LINE ♪ ♪ IF I CRY JUST A LITTLE

IN A STRAIGHT LINE ♪ ♪ IF I CRY JUST A
LITTLE AND THEN LAUGH IN THE MIDDLE

♪ IF I CRY JUST A LITTLE AND THEN
LAUGH IN THE MIDDLE IF I HATE YOU

AND THEN LAUGH IN THE MIDDLE
IF I HATE YOU THEN I LOVE YOU ♪

IF I HATE YOU THEN I LOVE
YOU ♪ ♪ THEN I CHANGE MY MIND

THEN I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ THEN I CHANGE
MY MIND IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE

♪ THEN I CHANGE MY MIND IF I NEED
JUST A LITTLE MORE TIME TO DEAL

IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE MORE
TIME TO DEAL WITH THE FACT ♪

MORE TIME TO DEAL WITH
THE FACT ♪ ♪ THAT YOU SHOULD

WITH THE FACT ♪ ♪ THAT YOU
SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME RIGHT

♪ THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE TREATED
ME RIGHT THEN I'M MORE THAN JUST

HAVE TREATED ME RIGHT THEN I'M
MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE JUSTIFIED ♪

THEN I'M MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE
JUSTIFIED ♪ ♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST

A LITTLE JUSTIFIED ♪ ♪ I'M MORE
THAN JUST A LITTLE JUSTIFIED

♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE
JUSTIFIED TO TOUCH SOMEBODY

A LITTLE JUSTIFIED TO TOUCH
SOMEBODY YOU KNOW I TRIED ♪

TO TOUCH SOMEBODY YOU
KNOW I TRIED ♪ ♪ TO MAKE THAT YOU

YOU KNOW I TRIED ♪ ♪ TO MAKE
THAT YOU AND WHEN YOU LIED

♪ TO MAKE THAT YOU AND WHEN YOU
LIED AND SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT ME

AND WHEN YOU LIED AND SAID YOU
DIDN'T WANT ME TELL ME WHAT WAS I

AND SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TELL
ME WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO ♪

TELL ME WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED
TO DO ♪ ♪ MOVING ON WAS

SUPPOSED TO DO ♪ ♪ MOVING
ON WAS FEELING STRONG

♪ MOVING ON WAS FEELING STRONG
BUT HEALING DOESN'T HAPPEN

FEELING STRONG BUT HEALING
DOESN'T HAPPEN IN A STRAIGHT LINE ♪

BUT HEALING DOESN'T HAPPEN IN A
STRAIGHT LINE ♪ ♪ IF I CRY JUST A LITTLE

IN A STRAIGHT LINE ♪ ♪ IF I CRY JUST A
LITTLE AND THEN LAUGH IN THE MIDDLE

♪ IF I CRY JUST A LITTLE AND THEN
LAUGH IN THE MIDDLE IF I HATE YOU ♪

AND THEN LAUGH IN THE MIDDLE
IF I HATE YOU ♪ ♪ AND I LOVE YOU

IF I HATE YOU ♪ ♪ AND I LOVE
YOU THEN I CHANGE MY MIND

♪ AND I LOVE YOU THEN I CHANGE
MY MIND IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE

THEN I CHANGE MY MIND IF I NEED
JUST A LITTLE MORE TIME TO DEAL ♪

IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE MORE
TIME TO DEAL ♪ ♪ WITH THE FACT

MORE TIME TO DEAL ♪ ♪ WITH
THE FACT THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE

♪ WITH THE FACT THAT YOU
SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME RIGHT

THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE TREATED
ME RIGHT THEN I'M MORE THAN JUST

TREATED ME RIGHT THEN I'M
MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE JUSTIFIED ♪

THEN I'M MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE
JUSTIFIED ♪ ♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST

A LITTLE JUSTIFIED ♪ ♪ I'M MORE
THAN JUST A LITTLE JUSTIFIED

♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE
JUSTIFIED IF I DIE JUST A LITTLE

A LITTLE JUSTIFIED IF I DIE JUST
A LITTLE INSIDE JUST A LITTLE ♪

IF I DIE JUST A LITTLE INSIDE
JUST A LITTLE ♪ ♪ IF I WANT YOU

INSIDE JUST A LITTLE ♪ ♪ IF I
WANT YOU AND I CALL YOU

♪ IF I WANT YOU AND I CALL
YOU THEN I CHANGE MY MIND

AND I CALL YOU THEN I CHANGE
MY MIND IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE ♪

THEN I CHANGE MY MIND IF I NEED
JUST A LITTLE ♪ ♪ MORE TIME TO DEAL

IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE ♪ ♪ MORE
TIME TO DEAL WITH THE FACT

♪ MORE TIME TO DEAL WITH
THE FACT THAT I SHOULD HAVE

WITH THE FACT THAT I SHOULD
HAVE TREATED YOU RIGHT ♪

THAT I SHOULD HAVE TREATED
YOU RIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST

TREATED YOU RIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M MORE
THAN JUST A LITTLE JUSTIFIED

♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST A
LITTLE JUSTIFIED IF I HATE YOU

A LITTLE JUSTIFIED IF I
HATE YOU AND I LOVE YOU ♪

IF I HATE YOU AND I LOVE
YOU ♪ ♪ THEN I CHANGE MY MIND

AND I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ THEN I CHANGE
MY MIND IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE

♪ THEN I CHANGE MY MIND IF I NEED
JUST A LITTLE MORE TIME TO DEAL

IF I NEED JUST A LITTLE MORE
TIME TO DEAL WITH THE FACT ♪

MORE TIME TO DEAL WITH
THE FACT ♪ ♪ THAT YOU SHOULD

WITH THE FACT ♪ ♪ THAT YOU
SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME RIGHT

♪ THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE TREATED
ME RIGHT THEN I'M MORE THAN JUST

HAVE TREATED ME RIGHT THEN I'M
MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE JUSTIFIED ♪

THEN I'M MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE
JUSTIFIED ♪ ♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST

A LITTLE JUSTIFIED ♪ ♪ I'M MORE
THAN JUST A LITTLE JUSTIFIED ♪

♪ I'M MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE
JUSTIFIED ♪

- COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
- GOOD EVENING.

GOOD
EVENING. HELLO.

GOOD EVENING. HELLO.
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."

HELLO. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND
UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.

WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN
JOST. WELL, IT IS VERY EXCITING TO

I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, IT IS VERY
EXCITING TO BE BACK, YOU KNOW.

WELL, IT IS VERY EXCITING TO BE BACK,
YOU KNOW. FIRST SHOW LAST SEASON, COVID

BE BACK, YOU KNOW. FIRST SHOW LAST SEASON,
COVID WAS RAGING EVERYWHERE, THERE WAS

FIRST SHOW LAST SEASON, COVID WAS RAGING
EVERYWHERE, THERE WAS NO VACCINE, WE WERE IN THE

WAS RAGING EVERYWHERE, THERE WAS NO VACCINE,
WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTENSE ELECTION.

NO VACCINE, WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTENSE
ELECTION. AND JUST BEFORE WE WENT ON THE

MIDDLE OF AN INTENSE ELECTION. AND JUST BEFORE
WE WENT ON THE AIR, THE PRODUCERS WERE LIKE,

AND JUST BEFORE WE WENT ON THE AIR, THE PRODUCERS
WERE LIKE, HEY, REAL QUICK, THE PRESIDENT

AIR, THE PRODUCERS WERE LIKE, HEY,
REAL QUICK, THE PRESIDENT MIGHT BE DYING.

HEY, REAL QUICK, THE PRESIDENT
MIGHT BE DYING. SO HAVE FUN OUT THERE.

MIGHT BE DYING. SO HAVE FUN OUT
THERE. IT WAS AN EXCITING TIME FOR THE

SO HAVE FUN OUT THERE. IT WAS
AN EXCITING TIME FOR THE SHOW.

IT WAS AN EXCITING TIME FOR
THE SHOW. BIG STORY THIS YEAR...

SHOW. BIG STORY THIS
YEAR... INFRASTRUCTURE.

BIG STORY THIS YEAR... INFRASTRUCTURE.
I GUESS THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT ON

INFRASTRUCTURE. I GUESS THAT'S AN
IMPROVEMENT ON LIKE A SURVIVAL OF THE HUMAN

I GUESS THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT ON LIKE A SURVIVAL
OF THE HUMAN RACE LEVEL, BUT IT'S NOT GREAT

LIKE A SURVIVAL OF THE HUMAN
RACE LEVEL, BUT IT'S NOT GREAT FOR TV.

RACE LEVEL, BUT IT'S NOT GREAT FOR
TV. SO IF WE COULD ALL JUST PRETEND

FOR TV. SO IF WE COULD ALL JUST
PRETEND TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THIS NEXT

SO IF WE COULD ALL JUST PRETEND TO BE EXCITED
ABOUT THIS NEXT JOKE, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THIS NEXT JOKE, I'D REALLY
APPRECIATE IT. THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL HAS BEEN

JOKE, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT. THE
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL HAS BEEN DELAYED INDEFINITELY.

THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL HAS BEEN DELAYED
INDEFINITELY. SO I GUESS WE'LL JUST CROSS THAT

DELAYED INDEFINITELY. SO I GUESS WE'LL JUST
CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN IT COLLAPSES ON TOP

SO I GUESS WE'LL JUST CROSS THAT
BRIDGE WHEN IT COLLAPSES ON TOP OF US.

BRIDGE WHEN IT COLLAPSES ON
TOP OF US. PRESIDENT BIDEN MET WITH

OF US. PRESIDENT BIDEN MET
WITH HOUSE DEMOCRATS YESTERDAY

OF US. PRESIDENT BIDEN MET
WITH HOUSE DEMOCRATS YESTERDAY

PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY MERCK ANNOUNCED THAT IT
HAS DEVELOPED AN EXPERIMENTAL ANTI-VIRAL PILL

ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS DEVELOPED AN EXPERIMENTAL
ANTI-VIRAL PILL THAT CAN TREAT PEOPLE INFECTED

AN EXPERIMENTAL ANTI-VIRAL PILL THAT
CAN TREAT PEOPLE INFECTED WITH COVID.

THAT CAN TREAT PEOPLE INFECTED WITH
COVID. THE TREATMENT IS JUST WAITING

WITH COVID. THE TREATMENT IS JUST
WAITING FOR APPROVAL FROM EITHER THE

THE TREATMENT IS JUST WAITING FOR APPROVAL
FROM EITHER THE FDA, THE CDC, OR THE JOE ROGAN

FOR APPROVAL FROM EITHER THE FDA,
THE CDC, OR THE JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE.

FDA, THE CDC, OR THE JOE ROGAN
EXPERIENCE. SINGER R. KELLY WAS FOUND

EXPERIENCE. SINGER R. KELLY WAS
FOUND GUILTY OF RACKETEERING AND SEX

SINGER R. KELLY WAS FOUND GUILTY OF
RACKETEERING AND SEX TRAFFICKING THIS WEEK.

GUILTY OF RACKETEERING AND SEX TRAFFICKING
THIS WEEK. BUT HE WON'T BE SENTENCED TO

TRAFFICKING THIS WEEK. BUT HE WON'T BE
SENTENCED TO PRISON UNTIL NEXT MAY AFTER

BUT HE WON'T BE SENTENCED TO PRISON UNTIL
NEXT MAY AFTER R. KELLY'S LAWYERS BARGAIN FOR

PRISON UNTIL NEXT MAY AFTER R. KELLY'S
LAWYERS BARGAIN FOR ONE MORE SCHOOL YEAR.

R. KELLY'S LAWYERS BARGAIN FOR ONE MORE
SCHOOL YEAR. IN THE WAKE OF THE R. KELLY

ONE MORE SCHOOL YEAR. IN THE WAKE OF
THE R. KELLY VERDICT, THERE IS A GROWING

IN THE WAKE OF THE R. KELLY VERDICT, THERE
IS A GROWING MOVEMENT ONLINE TO FORCE MUSIC

VERDICT, THERE IS A GROWING MOVEMENT ONLINE TO
FORCE MUSIC STREAMING SERVICES TO REMOVE HIS

MOVEMENT ONLINE TO FORCE MUSIC
STREAMING SERVICES TO REMOVE HIS MUSIC.

STREAMING SERVICES TO REMOVE
HIS MUSIC. AFTER ALL, STREAMING IS

MUSIC. AFTER ALL, STREAMING
IS BASICALLY WHAT GOT HIM IN

AFTER ALL, STREAMING IS BASICALLY WHAT
GOT HIM IN TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BASICALLY WHAT GOT HIM IN TROUBLE
IN THE FIRST PLACE. DID YOU GET IT?

TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. DID
YOU GET IT? HARD TO TRANSITION OUT OF

DID YOU GET IT? HARD TO
TRANSITION OUT OF THAT.

HARD TO TRANSITION OUT
OF THAT. WELCOME CATHOLICS.

THAT. WELCOME
CATHOLICS.

WELCOME CATHOLICS.
SOME CATHOLICS AROUND THE

SOME CATHOLICS AROUND
THE COUNTRY ARE CLAIMING RELIGIOUS

SOME CATHOLICS AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE CLAIMING
RELIGIOUS EXEMPTION TO THE COVID VACCINE

COUNTRY ARE CLAIMING RELIGIOUS EXEMPTION TO
THE COVID VACCINE BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MORE

EXEMPTION TO THE COVID VACCINE BECAUSE THERE'S
NOTHING MORE CATHOLIC THAN LETTING SOMEONE

BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MORE CATHOLIC THAN
LETTING SOMEONE ELSE DIE FOR YOUR SINS.

CATHOLIC THAN LETTING SOMEONE ELSE DIE
FOR YOUR SINS. THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF MEDIA

CATHOLIC THAN LETTING SOMEONE ELSE DIE
FOR YOUR SINS. THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF MEDIA

THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF MEDIA COVERAGE ABOUT
A MISSING WOMAN FROM LONG ISLAND WITH SOME

COVERAGE ABOUT A MISSING WOMAN FROM LONG
ISLAND WITH SOME CALLING IT ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF

FROM LONG ISLAND WITH SOME CALLING IT ANOTHER
EXAMPLE OF "MISSING WHITE WOMAN SYNDROME,"

CALLING IT ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF "MISING WHITE
WOMAN SYNDROME," SINCE MINORITY WOMEN ARE RARELY

"MISSING WHITE WOMAN SYNDROME," SINCE MINORITY
WOMEN ARE RARELY GIVEN THE SAME ATTENTION.

SINCE MINORITY WOMEN ARE RARELY GIVEN THE
SAME ATTENTION. HERE WITH HR THOUGHTS IS A

GIVEN THE SAME ATTENTION. HERE WITH HER
THOUGHTS IS A BLACK WOMAN WHO'S BEEN MISSING

HERE WITH HER THOUGHTS IS A BLACK
WOMAN WHO'S BEEN MISSING FOR TEN YEARS.

BLACK WOMAN WHO'S BEEN
MISSING FOR TEN YEARS.

FOR TEN YEARS. WELCOME.

WELCOME. WELCOME.

WELCOME. WELCOME. IT'S
GOOD TO BE HERE, COLIN.

WELCOME. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE,
COLIN. HONESTLY, IT'S GOOD TO BE

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE, COLIN. HONESTLY, IT'S
GOOD TO BE ANYWHERE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN

HONESTLY, IT'S GOOD TO BE
ANYWHERE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN MISSING.

ANYWHERE BECAUSE I
HAVE BEEN MISSING. OKAY?

MISSING. OKAY? IT'S
SO FRUSTRATING.

OKAY? IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. THERE
WAS A WHITE WOMAN WHO WENT

IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. THERE WAS A WHITE
WOMAN WHO WENT MISSING THE SAME TIME AS ME.

THERE WAS A WHITE WOMAN WHO WENT MISSING THE
SAME TIME AS ME. AND LOOK AT THE PHOTO THEY PUT

MISSING THE SAME TIME AS ME. AND
LOOK AT THE PHOTO THEY PUT OUT OF HER.

AND LOOK AT THE PHOTO THEY
PUT OUT OF HER. JUST GORGEOUS.

OUT OF HER. JUST GORGEOUS.
HAIR AND MAKEUP ALL DONE.

JUST GORGEOUS. HAIR AND MAKEUP
ALL DONE. NAILS DONE, EVERYTHING DID.

HAIR AND MAKEUP ALL DONE. NAILS DONE,
EVERYTHING DID. NOW LOOK AT THE PHOTO THEY USED

NAILS DONE, EVERYTHING DID. NOW
LOOK AT THE PHOTO THEY USED FOR ME.

NOW LOOK AT THE PHOTO THEY USED
FOR ME. NOW WHO THE HEL WANTS TO FIND

FOR ME. NOW WHO THE HELL
WANTS TO FIND THAT, OKAY?

NOW WHO THE HELL WANTS TO FIND
THAT, OKAY? I LOOK LIKE OL' DIRTY BASTARD'S

I LOOK LIKE OL' DIRTY BASTARD'S I LOOK LDIRTIER
SISTER.ASTARD'S LOOK AT THE WHITE LADY'S

DIRTIER SISTER. LOOK AT THE
WHITE LADY'S REWARD... $10,000.

LOOK AT THE WHITE LADY'S
REWARD... $10,000. THAT'S A NEW CAR.

REWARD... $10,000. THAT'S A NEW CAR.
NOW CHECK OUT THE REWARD FOR ME.

THAT'S A NEW CAR. NOW CHECK OUT THE REWARD
FOR ME. A $15 GIFT CARD FOR CHILI'S TOO.

NOW CHECK OUT THE REWARD FOR ME. A $15 GIFT CARD
FOR CHILI'S TOO. YOU GOT TO GO TO AN AIRPORT TO

A $15 GIFT CARD FOR CHILI'S TOO. YOU GOT
TO GO TO AN AIRPORT TO USE THAT, COLIN.

YOU GOT TO GO TO AN AIRPORT TO USE
THAT, COLIN. THEY OFFERING CHIPS AND

USE THAT, COLIN. THEY OFFERING CHIPS
AND GUACAMOLE TO FIND A HUMAN SOUL.

THEY OFFERING CHIPS AND GUACAMOLE
TO FIND A HUMAN SOUL. COME ON.

GUACAMOLE TO FIND A HUMAN SOUL.
COME ON. AND THIS IS THE WORST PART... AT

COME ON. AND THIS IS THE WORST PART
AT THE TOP OF MY PHOTO, THEY PUT

AND THIS IS THE WORST PART... AT THE
TOP OF MY PHOTO, THEY PUT "WANTED."

THE TOP OF MY PHOTO, THEY PUT
"WANTED." I'M NOT WANTED, I'M MISSING.

"WANTED." I'M NOT WANTED, I'M
MISSING. IF I WAS WANTED I PROBABLY

I'M NOT WANTED, I'M MISSING. IF I WAS
WANTED I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE MISSING.

IF I WAS WANTED I PROBABLY WOULDN'T
BE MISSING. PLUS, THE WHITE GIRL GOT... SHE

WOULDN'T BE MISSING. PLUS, THE WHITE
GIRL GOT... SHE GOT AN AMBER ALERT, UH-HUH.

PLUS, THE WHITE GIRL GOT... SHE GOT AN AMBER
ALERT, UH-HUH. EVERY iPHONE IN THE ROOM STARTED

GOT AN AMBER ALERT, UH-HUH. EVERY iPHONE IN THE
ROOM STARTED BEEPING AND BUZZING, BEEPING AND

EVERY iPHONE IN THE ROOM STARTED
BEEPING AND BUZZING, BEEPING AND BUZZING.

BEEPING AND BUZZING, BEEPING
AND BUZZING. THEY ONLY PUT OUT MY

BUZZING. THEY ONLY PUT OUT
MY DISAPPEARANCE ON CRICKET

THEY ONLY PUT OUT MY
DISAPPEARANCE ON CRICKET WIRELESS.

DISAPPEARANCE ON CRICKET
WIRELESS. AND IF YOU OPENED IT, YOU GOT

WIRELESS. AND IF YOU OPENED
IT, YOU GOT CHARGED $2.99.

AND IF YOU OPENED IT, YOU
GOT CHARGED $2.99. AWFUL.

CHARGED $2.99. AWFUL. AND
HOW ARE WERE YOU TREATED BY

AWFUL. AND HOW ARE WERE
YOU TREATED BY THE MEDIA?

AND HOW ARE WERE YOU
TREATED BY THE MEDIA? NOT GREAT.

THE MEDIA? NOT GREAT.
THE NEWSPAPER ABOUT HER

NOT GREAT. THE NEWSPAPER ABOUT
HER DISAPPEARANCE WAS ON THE FRONT

THE NEWSPAPER ABOUT HER
DISAPPEARANCE WAS ON THE FRONT PAGE.

DISAPPEARANCE WAS ON THE FRONT
PAGE. WHITE, VIRGINAL, DIME PIECE

PAGE. WHITE, VIRGINAL, DIME PIECE
RIPPED FROM THE HANDS OF HER

WHITE, VIRGINAL, DIME PIECE RIPPED FROM THE
HANDS OF HER LOVING, STILL-MARRIED PARENTS.

RIPPED FROM THE HANDS OF HER LOVING, STILL-MARRIED
PARENTS. I'M NOT SURE WHY THEY NEEDED TO

LOVING, STILL-MARRIED PARENTS. I'M NOT SURE
WHY THEY NEEDED TO FLAUNT THEIR MARRIAGE IN THE

I'M NOT SURE WHY THEY NEEDED TO FLAUNT THEIR
MARRIAGE IN THE MISSING PERSON SECTION.

FLAUNT THEIR MARRIAGE IN THE
MISSING PERSON SECTION. BUT OKAY, BRAG.

MISSING PERSON SECTION. BUT OKAY,
BRAG. AND HERE'S MINE, ON C-15 WHERE

BUT OKAY, BRAG. AND HERE'S
MINE, ON C-15 WHERE IT READ,

AND HERE'S MINE, ON C-15 WHERE IT
READ, GIRL NOT HOME FOR 40 DAYS.

IT READ, GIRL NOT HOME FOR
40 DAYS. PROBABLY NOTHING.

GIRL NOT HOME FOR 40 DAYS.
PROBABLY NOTHING. FAMILY COOL WITH IT.

PROBABLY NOTHING. FAMILY
COOL WITH IT. BY THE OBITUARIES.

FAMILY COOL WITH IT. BY
THE OBITUARIES. YEAH, YEAH.

BY THE OBITUARIES. YEAH, YEAH.
YOU THINK THE MEDIA HAS TO

YEAH, YEAH. YOU THINK THE MEDIA
HAS TO RECOGNIZE ITS OWN BIAS.

YOU THINK THE MEDIA HAS TO RECOGNIZE
ITS OWN BIAS. IT'S NOT JUST THE MEDIA,

RECOGNIZE ITS OWN BIAS.
IT'S NOT JUST THE MEDIA, COLIN.

IT'S NOT JUST THE MEDIA, COLIN.
EVEN IN THE MOVIES BLACK WOMEN

COLIN. EVEN IN THE MOVIES
BLACK WOMEN CAN'T GET ATTENTION.

EVEN IN THE MOVIES BLACK WOMEN CAN'T
GET ATTENTION. WHITE WOMEN HAD "GONE GIRL,"

CAN'T GET ATTENTION. WHITE WOMEN HAD
"GONE GIRL," "GONE BABY GONE, "WHERE IN THE

WHITE WOMEN HAD "GONE GIRL," "GONE BABY GONE,
"WHERE IN THE WORLD DID THAT GONE GIRL GO?"

"GONE BABY GONE, "WHERE IN THE WORLD DID THAT
GONE GIRL GO?" THEN THE BEST BLACK WOMEN COULD

WORLD DID THAT GONE GIRL GO?" THEN THE BEST
BLACK WOMEN COULD GET WAS "MADEA'S WITNESS

THEN THE BEST BLACK WOMEN COULD
GET WAS "MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION."

GET WAS "MADEA'S WITNESS
PROTECTION." THAT'S TOUGH, YEAH.

PROTECTION." THAT'S TOUGH, YEAH.
REMEMBER... YOU REMEMBER "THREE

THAT'S TOUGH, YEAH. REMEMBER... YOU REMEMBER
"THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE OF EBBING,

REMEMBER... YOU REMEMBER "THREE
BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE OF EBBING, MISSOURI"?

BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE OF EBBING,
MISSOURI"? YEAH, THERE WAS THREE BILLBOARD

MISSOURI"? YEAH, THERE WAS
THREE BILLBOARD FOR ONE WHITE GIRL.

YEAH, THERE WAS THREE BILLBOARD FOR ONE
WHITE GIRL. I DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE BILLBOARD.

FOR ONE WHITE GIRL. I DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE
BILLBOARD. I GOT A FLYER AT McDONALD'S THAT

I DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE BILLBOARD. I GOT A FLYER
AT McDONALD'S THAT SAID "YOU SEEN THIS BITCH?

I GOT A FLYER AT McDONALD'S THAT SAID
"YOU SEEN THIS BITCH? EITHER WAY WE GOOD.

SAID "YOU SEEN THIS BITCH? EITHER
WAY WE GOOD. NOBODY'S TRIPPING."

EITHER WAY WE GOOD. NOBODY'S
TRIPPING." I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT

NOBODY'S TRIPPING." I WOULD JUST LIKE
TO SAY THAT HERE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE" WE

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT HERE AT "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WE PLEDGE TO ALWAYS SPEAK UP FOR

HERE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE" WE PLEDGE TO
ALWAYS SPEAK UP FOR THOSE WITHOUT VOICES.

PLEDGE TO ALWAYS SPEAK UP FOR
THOSE WITHOUT VOICES. OKAY, YEAH.

THOSE WITHOUT VOICES. OKAY, YEAH.
'CAUSE YESTERDAY YOUR CO-ANCHOR

OKAY, YEAH. 'CAUSE YESTERDAY YOUR
CO-ANCHOR POSTED "WHAT DID R. KELLY EVEN

'CAUSE YESTERDAY YOUR CO-ANCHOR
POSTED "WHAT DID R. KELLY EVEN DO?"

POSTED "WHAT DID R. KELLY EVEN
DO?" WHAT DID HE DO, THOUGH?

DO?" WHAT DID HE DO, THOUGH?
I MEAN, NO ONE ANSWERED.

WHAT DID HE DO, THOUGH? I MEAN, NO ONE
ANSWERED. A BLACK WOMAN HAS BEEN MISSING

I MEAN, NO ONE ANSWERED. A BLACK WOMAN
HAS BEEN MISSING FOR TEN YEARS, EVERYONE.

A BLACK WOMAN HAS BEEN MISSING FOR TEN
YEARS, EVERYONE. NO ONE EVEN ASKED MY NAME.

FOR TEN YEARS, EVERYONE. NO ONE
EVEN ASKED MY NAME. ASK MY NAME!

NO ONE EVEN ASKED MY NAME. ASK
MY NAME! THE NBA ANNOUNCED THAT

ASK MY NAME! THE NBA ANNOUNCED
THAT UNVACCINATED PLAYERS WILL NOT BE

THE NBA ANNOUNCED THAT UNVACCINATED PLAYERS
WILL NOT BE PAID FOR ANY GAMES MISSED DUE TO

UNVACCINATED PLAYERS WILL NOT BE PAID FOR ANY GAMES
MISSED DUE TO LOCAL VACCINE MANDATES, BUT THAT

PAID FOR ANY GAMES MISSED DUE TO LOCAL
VACCINE MANDATES, BUT THAT WON'T MATTER.

LOCAL VACCINE MANDATES, BUT THAT WON'T
MATTER. NBA PLAYERS HAVE A LONG, PROUD

WON'T MATTER. NBA PLAYERS HAVE A LONG,
PROUD HISTORY OF LOSING MONEY BECAUSE

NBA PLAYERS HAVE A LONG, PROUD HISTORY OF LOSING
MONEY BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO USE PROTECTION.

HISTORY OF LOSING MONEY BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO
USE PROTECTION. GLAD I DIDN'T TELL THAT JOKE.

THEY REFUSE TO USE PROTECTION. GLAD I DIDN'T
TELL THAT JOKE. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT YOUNG

GLAD I DIDN'T TELL THAT OKE. A NEW STUDY
FINDS THAT YOUNG ADULTS WITH DEPRESSION HAVE A

A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT YOUNG ADULTS WITH
DEPRESSION HAVE A HIGHER RISK OF DEMENTIA LATER IN

ADULTS WITH DEPRESSION HAVE A HIGHER RISK
OF DEMENTIA LATERIN LIFE, WHICH EXPLAINS

HIGHER RISK OF DEMENTIA LATER IN LIFE, WHICH
EXPLAINS BILLIE EILISH'S UPCOMING ALBUM

LIFE, WHICH EXPLAINS BILLIE EILISH'S
UPCOMING ALBUM "WHERE AM I?"

BILLIE EILISH'S UPCOMING ALBUM
"WHERE AM I?" PURDUE UNIVERSITY

"WHERE AM I?" PURDUE UNIVERSITY
RESEARCHERS HAVE CREATED THE

PURDUE UNIVERSITY RESEARCHERS HAVE
CREATED THE WHITEST PAINT ON RECORD.

RESEARCHERS HAVE CREATED TH WHITEST PAINT
ON RECORD. THE PAINT IS SO WHITE, I'M IT'S

WHITEST PAINT ON RECORD. THE PAINT IS
SO WHITE, I'M IT'S FAVORITE PART OF "SNL."

THIS YEAR MARKED THE 50th ANNIVERSARY OF
DISNEY WORLD. TO CELEBRATE TURNING 50, DISNEY

ANNIVERSARY OF DISNEY WORLD. TO CELEBRATE
TURNING 50, DISNEY HAS OPENED A NEW RIDE...

TO CELEBRATE TURNING 50, DISNEY HAS OPENED
A NEW RIDE... MR. GOOFY'S WILD COLONOSCOPY.

HAS OPENED A NEW RIDE... MR. GOOFY'S
WILD COLONOSCOPY. IT'S A WET ONE.

LAST MONTH'S MET GALA, A FUNDRAISING EVENT
AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART WHERE

FUNDRAISING EVENT AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM
OF ART WHERE CELEBRITIES TYPICALLY WEAR

METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART WHERE CELEBRITIES
TYPICALLY WEAR OUTRAGEOUS COSTUMES, WAS

CELEBRITIES TYPICALLY WEAR OUTRAGEOUS
COSTUMES, WAS CRITICIZED BY SOME AS ELITIST.

OUTRAGEOUS COSTUMES, WAS CRITICIZED BY
SOME AS ELITIST. FOR MORE ON THIS, IS FROM

CRITICIZED BY SOME AS ELITIST. FOR MORE ON
THIS, IS FROM SOMEONE WHO WENT TO THE GALA,

FOR MORE ON THIS, IS FROM SOMEONE
WHO WENT TO THE GALA, PETE DAVIDSON.

SOMEONE WHO WENT TO THE
GALA, PETE DAVIDSON.

PETE DAVIDSON. HELLO.

HELLO. THANK YOU.

HELLO. THANK YOU. THANKS, COLIN.

THANK YOU. THANKS,
COLIN. SO, COLIN,

THANKS, COLIN. SO, COLIN,
HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE MET?

SO, COLIN, HOW DID YOU ENJOY
THE MET? WELL, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T GO

HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE MET?
WELL, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T GO THIS YEAR.

WELL, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T
GO THIS YEAR. REALLY?

THIS YEAR. REALLY?
SO THIS ISN'T YOU?

REALLY? SO THIS ISN'T YOU?
WHO WAS I TALKING TO ALL NIGHT?

SO THIS ISN'T YOU? WHO WAS I TALKING
TO ALL NIGHT? DID YOU HAVE FUN?

WHO WAS I TALKING TO ALL NIGHT? DID
YOU HAVE FUN? IT WAS AMAZING, COLIN.

DID YOU HAVE FUN? IT
WAS AMAZING, COLIN. YEAH.

IT WAS AMAZING, COLIN.
YEAH. NO, I GOT TO GO TO THE

YEAH. NO, I GOT TO GO TO THE
COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR.

NO, I GOT TO GO TO THE COOLEST EVENT OF
THE YEAR. AND I CAN NOW SAY I'VE BEEN TO A

COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR. AND I
CAN NOW SAY I'VE BEEN TO A MUSEUM.

AND I CAN NOW SAY I'VE BEEN TO
A MUSEUM. I DID SEE PEOPLE WERE

MUSEUM. I DID SEE PEOPLE WERE
COMMENTING ON YOUR OUTFIT.

I DID SEE PEOPLE WERE
COMMENTING ON YOUR OUTFIT. YEAH.

COMMENTING ON YOUR
OUTFIT. YEAH. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW
WHY. IT WAS A COOL DRESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY. IT WAS A COOL
DRESS. I LOOKED LIKE JAMES BOND AT A

IT WAS A COOL DRESS. I LOOKED
LIKE JAMES BOND AT A QUINCEANERA.

I LOOKED LIKE JAMES BOND AT A
QUINCEANERA. I LOOKED LIKE ONE OF THE THREE

QUINCEANERA. I LOOKED LIKE ONE OF
THE THREE BLIND MICE SOLD FENTANYL.

I LOOKED LIKE ONE OF THE THREE
BLIND MICE SOLD FENTANYL.

- BLIND MICE SOLD FENTANYL.
- THANK YOU.

THANK
YOU. DON'T DO THAT.

THANK YOU. DON'T DO THAT. NO.

DON'T DO THAT. NO. THE
TRUTH IS I ALREADY WEAR A

NO. THE TRUTH IS I ALREADY
WEAR A DRESS OR PAINT MY NAILS

THE TRUTH IS I ALREADY WEAR A DRESS OR
PAINT MY NAILS SOMETIMES JUST BECAUSE I LIKE

DRESS OR PAINT MY NAILS SOMETIMES JUST
BECAUSE I LIKE MAKING MY UNCLES UNCOMFORTABLE.

SOMETIMES JUST BECAUSE I LIKE MAKING MY UNCLES
UNCOMFORTABLE. WHAT DO THEY THINK OF THE

MAKING MY UNCLES UNCOMFORTABLE.
WHAT DO THEY THINK OF THE OUTFIT?

WHAT DO THEY THINK OF THE OUTFIT?
WELL, WHEN MY UNCLE STEVE SAW

OUTFIT? WELL, WHEN
MY UNCLE STEVE SAW IT,

WELL, WHEN MY UNCLE STEVE
SAW IT, HE WAS LIKE, HEY, I DON'T GET

IT, HE WAS LIKE, HEY, I DON'T
GET IT, BUT WHATEVER MAKES YOU

HE WAS LIKE, HEY, I DON'T GET IT,
BUT WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.

IT, BUT WHATEVER MAKES YOU
HAPPY. YOU'RE STILL WELCOME IN MY

HAPPY. YOU'RE STILL
WELCOME IN MY HOUSE.

YOU'RE STILL WELCOME IN MY HOUSE.
I'LL JUST PUT THE SEAT DOWN WHEN

HOUSE. I'LL JUST PUT THE
SEAT DOWN WHEN YOU'RE OVER.

I'LL JUST PUT THE SEAT DOWN WHEN
YOU'RE OVER. SO HE'S AFRAID PEOPLE MIGHT

YOU'RE OVER. SO HE'S AFRAID
PEOPLE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE GAY?

SO HE'S AFRAID PEOPLE
MIGHT THINK YOU'RE GAY? YEAH.

THINK YOU'RE GAY? YEAH.
JUST BECAUSE I WORE A DRESS.

YEAH. JUST BECAUSE I WORE A DRESS.
MEANWHILE, HERE'S HIM AT MY AGE.

JUST BECAUSE I WORE A DRESS. MEANWHILE, HERE'S
HIM AT MY AGE. THAT'S MY UNCLE WHO'S WORRIED I

MEANWHILE, HERE'S HIM AT MY AGE. THAT'S
MY UNCLE WHO'S WORRIED I LOOKED GAY.

THAT'S MY UNCLE WHO'S WORRIED I
LOOKED GAY. MEANWHILE, HE GREW UP IN THE

LOOKED GAY. MEANWHILE,
HE GREW UP IN THE '80s,

MEANWHILE, HE GREW UP IN THE '80s,
WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE GAYEST AND

'80s, WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE GAYEST
AND MOST HOMOPHOBIC DECADE EVER, ALL

WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE GAYEST AND MOST HOMOPHOBIC
DECADE EVER, ALL ALL THE SONGS WERE ABOUT THE

MOST HOMOPHOBIC DECADE EVER, ALL ALL THE SONGS
WERE ABOUT THE BOYS AND HOW THEY'RE BACK IN

ALL THE SONGS WERE ABOUT THE
BOYS AND HOW THEY'RE BACK IN TOWN.

BOYS AND HOW THEY'RE BACK IN
TOWN. HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS "TOP GUN."

TOWN. HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS "TOP
GUN." AND THAT'S AS CLOSE TO A MOVIE

HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS "TOP GUN." AND THAT'S AS
CLOSE TO A MOVIE ABOUT MEN IN LOVE WITH EACH

AND THAT'S AS CLOSE TO A MOVIE ABOUT MEN IN
LOVE WITH EACH OTHER AS THE '80s ALLOWED.

ABOUT MEN IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER AS THE
'80s ALLOWED. IT'S LIKE BROKEBACK IN THE SKY.

OTHER AS THE '80s ALLOWED. IT'S LIKE BROKEBACK
IN THE SKY. I DON'T GET WHERE GUYS HIS AGE

IT'S LIKE BROKEBACK IN THE SKY. I DON'T
GET WHERE GUYS HIS AGE ARE COMING FROM.

I DON'T GET WHERE GUYS HIS AGE ARE COMING
FROM. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED ANY MAN LIKE

ARE COMING FROM. HAVE YOU EVER ASKED ANY
MAN LIKE OVER 40 OR 50 WHAT THEY DID FOR

HAVE YOU EVER ASKED ANY MAN LIKE OVER
40 OR 50 WHAT THEY DID FOR FUN GROWING UP?

OVER 40 OR 50 WHAT THEY DID FOR FUN
GROWING UP? THEY'D ALL BE LIKE, OH, WE'D

FUN GROWING UP? THEY'D ALL BE LIKE,
OH, WE'D WAIT FOR ONE OF OUR FRIENDS TO

THEY'D ALL BE LIKE, OH, WE'D WAIT FOR ONE OF
OUR FRIENDS TO PASS OUT AND THEN WE'D TAKE PICS

WAIT FOR ONE OF OUR FRIENDS TO PASS OUT AND
THEN WE'D TAKE PICS OF US WITH OUR BALLS IN HIS

PASS OUT AND THEN WE'D TAKE PICS
OF US WITH OUR BALLS IN HIS FACE.

OF US WITH OUR BALLS IN HIS FACE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN MEN WERE MEN.

FACE. YOU KNOW, WHEN
MEN WERE MEN. SO, WAIT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MEN WERE MEN. SO,
WAIT. WAS YOUR UNCLE ACTUALLY UPSET?

SO, WAIT. WAS YOUR UNCLE ACTUALLY
UPSET? HE'S JUST AS MAD THAT

WAS YOUR UNCLE ACTUALLY UPSET? HE'S JUST
AS MAD THAT CHRIS PRATT ISN'T ITALIAN BUT

HE'S JUST AS MAD THAT CHRIS PRATT ISN'T
ITALIAN BUT HE'S GOING TO PLAY SUPER MARIO.

CHRIS PRATT ISN'T ITALIAN BUT HE'S GOING
TO PLAY SUPER MARIO. WHY ALL THE ANGER AT

HE'S GOING TO PLAY SUPER MARIO.
WHY ALL THE ANGER AT CHRIS PRATT?

WHY ALL THE ANGER AT CHRIS
PRATT? HE'S A SWEETHEART.

CHRIS PRATT? HE'S A
SWEETHEART. I LOVE THAT GUY.

HE'S A SWEETHEART. I LOVE THAT
GUY. JUST BECAUSE YOU MAKE ONE BAD

I LOVE THAT GUY. JUST BECAUSE YOU
MAKE ONE BAD MOVIE PEOPLE HATE YOU.

JUST BECAUSE YOU MAKE ONE BAD MOVIE
PEOPLE HATE YOU. IS THAT TRUE, COLIN?

MOVIE PEOPLE HATE YOU. IS THAT TRUE,
COLIN? DID PEOPLE HATE YOU AFTER "TOM

IS THAT TRUE, COLIN? DID PEOPLE
HATE YOU AFTER "TOM AND JERRY"?

DID PEOPLE HATE YOU AFTER
"TOM AND JERRY"?

AND JERRY"? I'M KIDDING.

I'M KIDDING. IT
WAS ACTUALLY THE PERFECT

I'M KIDDING. IT WAS ACTUALLY THE
PERFECT PANDEMIC MOVIE BECAUSE IT MADE

IT WAS ACTUALLY THE PERFECT PANDEMIC MOVIE
BECAUSE IT MADE SURE THERE'D BE NO LARGE

PANDEMIC MOVIE BECAUSE IT MADE SURE THERE'D
BE NO LARGE GATHERINGS IN MOVIE THEATERS.

SURE THERE'D BE NO LARGE
GATHERINGS IN MOVIE THEATERS. ALL RIGHT.

GATHERINGS IN MOVIE
THEATERS. ALL RIGHT. I'M NOT DONE.

ALL RIGHT. I'M NOT DONE.
BRING UP MY DRESS AGAIN.

I'M NOT DONE. BRING UP MY
DRESS AGAIN. I GOT MORE.

BRING UP MY DRESS AGAIN. I GOT
MORE. I LOOK LIKE TILDA SWINTON ON

I GOT MORE. I LOOK LIKE TILDA
SWINTON ON CASUAL FRIDAY.

I LOOK LIKE TILDA SWINTON ON CASUAL
FRIDAY. PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE.

CASUAL FRIDAY. PETE DAVIDSON,
EVERYONE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BACK

PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE. I
CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BACK HERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
BACK HERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
BACK HERE.

HERE.
RESEARCHERS IN UGANDA

RESEARCHERS IN
UGANDA OBSERVED A CHIMPANZEE

RESEARCHERS IN UGANDA OBSERVED A
CHIMPANZEE MASTURBATING WITH A BOTTLE.

OBSERVED A CHIMPANZEE MASTURBATIN WITH
A BOTTLE. ONCE FULL, THE BOTTLE WAS SOLD

MASTURBATING WITH A BOTTLE. ONCE
FULL, THE BOTTLE WAS SOLD AS DASANI.

ONCE FULL, THE BOTTLE WAS SOLD AS
DASANI. DURING THE OPENING DAY OF

AS DASANI. DURING THE OPENING DAY
OF EMINEM'S NEW DETROIT RESTAURANT,

DURING THE OPENING DAY OF EMINEM'S NEW DETROIT
RESTAURANT, THE RAPPER SURPRISED GUESTS BY

EMINEM'S NEW DETROIT RESTAURANT, THE RAPPER
SURPRISED GUESTS BY SERVING THEM PASTA HIMSELF.

THE RAPPER SURPRISED GUESTS BY SERVING THEM
PASTA HIMSELF. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, MACKLEMORE

SERVING THEM PASTA HIMSELF. NOT TO BE OUTDONE,
MACKLEMORE GOT FIRED BY THE OLIVE GARDEN.

NOT TO BE OUTDONE, MACKLEMORE GOT FIRED
BY THE OLIVE GARDEN. BARACK OBAMA IS BEING

GOT FIRED BY THE OLIVE GARDEN. BARACK OBAMA
IS BEING CRITICIZED BY CHICAGO RESIDENTS

BARACK OBAMA IS BEING CRITICIZED BY
CHICAGO RESIDENTS WHO CLAIM THAT HIS NEW

CRITICIZED BY CHICAGO RESIDENTS WHO CLAIM
THAT HIS NEW PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY WILL LEAD

WHO CLAIM THAT HIS NEW PRESIDENTIAL
LIBRARY WILL LEAD TO GENTRIFICATION.

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY WILL LEAD TO
GENTRIFICATION. IT'S ANOTHER PAINFUL REMINDER

TO GENTRIFICATION. IT'S ANOTHER PAINFUL
REMINDER THAT OBAMA IS HALF WHITE.

IT'S ANOTHER PAINFUL REMINDER THAT
OBAMA IS HALF WHITE. A COLORADO WOMAN SAYS

THAT OBAMA IS HALF WHITE. A COLORADO
WOMAN SAYS SPRAYING BEFORE SEX WITH HER

A COLORADO WOMAN SAYS SPRAYING BEFORE SEX
WITH HER HUSBAND ALLOWS HER TO EXPERIENCE

SPRAYING BEFORE SEX WITH HER HUSBAND ALLOWS
HER TO EXPERIENCE A THREESOME WITH RANDOM GUYS.

HUSBAND ALLOWS HER TO EXPERIENCE A THREESOME
WITH RANDOM GUYS. IT IS A BITTERSWEET NIGHT

A THREESOME WITH RANDOM GUYS. IT IS
A BITTERSWEET NIGHT FOR US TONIGHT.

IT IS A BITTERSWEET NIGHT FOR US
TONIGHT. NORM IS THE REASON THAT I

FOR US TONIGHT. NORM IS THE REASON
THAT I EVER WANTED TO DO WEEKEND

NORM IS THE REASON THAT I EVER WANTED TO
DO WEEKEND UPDATE, SO TONIGHT WE THOUGHT

EVER WANTED TO DO WEEKEND UPDATE, SO TONIGHT
WE THOUGHT WE'D TURN THE LAST FEW JOKES OF

UPDATE, SO TONIGHT WE THOUGHT WE'D TURN
THE LAST FEW JOKES OF UPDATE OVER TO NORM.

WE'D TURN THE LAST FEW JOKES
OF UPDATE OVER TO NORM. THANKS.

UPDATE OVER TO NORM. THANKS.
I'M NORM MACDONALD AND THIS IS

THANKS. I'M NORM MACDONALD
AND THIS IS THE FAKE NEWS.

I'M NORM MACDONALD AND THIS IS THE
FAKE NEWS. AT THE WHITE HOUSE THIS WEEK,

THE FAKE NEWS. AT THE WHITE HOUSE
THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT CLINTON OFFICIALLY

AT THE WHITE HOUSE THIS WEEK,
PRESIDENT CLINTON OFFICIALLYCAME

PRESIDENT CLINTON OFFICIALLY CAME
OUT AGAINST SAME-SEX MARRIAGES.

CAME OUT AGAINST SAME-SEX MARRIAGES.
WHAT'S MORE, THE PRESIDENT SAID

MARRIAGES. WHAT'S MORE, THE
PRESIDENT SAID HE IS NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT

WHAT'S MORE, THE PRESIDENT SAID HE IS NOT TOO
CRAZY ABOUT OPPOSITE-SEX MARRIAGES EITHER.

HE IS NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT OPPOSITE-SEX
MARRIAGES EITHER. A NEW AIRPORT PLANNED FOR

OPPOSITE-SEX MARRIAGES EITHER. A NEW AIRPORT
PLANNED FOR SAN DIEGO WOULD ACTUALLY BE

A NEW AIRPORT PLANNED FOR SAN DIEGO WOULD
ACTUALLY BE LOCATED THREE MILES OUT IN THE

SAN DIEGO WOULD ACTUALLY BE LOCATED
THREE MILES OUT IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

LOCATED THREE MILES OUT IN THE PACIFIC
OCEAN. BUILT ON 40 x 20-FOOT FLOATING

PACIFIC OCEAN. BUILT ON 40 x
20-FOOT FLOATING CYLINDERS.

BUILT ON 40 x 20-FOOT FLOATING
CYLINDERS. IT'S ALL PART OF A PLAN BY CITY

CYLINDERS. IT'S ALL PART OF A PLAN
BY CITY OFFICIALS TO HAVE A HUGE

IT'S ALL PART OF A PLAN BY CITY
OFFICIALS TO HAVE A HUGE DISASTER.

OFFICIALS TO HAVE A HUGE
DISASTER. A FRENCH MAN WHO CALLS

DISASTER. A FRENCH MAN WHO
CALLS HIMSELF THE SNAKE MAN WAS

A FRENCH MAN WHO CALLS HIMSELF THE
SNAKE MAN WAS ARRESTED THIS WEEK AFTER

HIMSELF THE SNAKE MAN WAS ARRESTED
THIS WEEK AFTER CLIMBING UP THE SIDE OF A

ARRESTED THIS WEEK AFTER CLIMBING
UP THE SIDE OF A MANHATTAN HIGHRISE.

CLIMBING UP THE SIDE OF A MANHATTAN
HIGHRISE. YES, HE CLIMBED RIGHT UP THE

MANHATTAN HIGHRISE. YES, HE CLIMBED
RIGHT UP THE SIDE OF THE HIGHRISE.

YES, HE CLIMBED RIGHT UP THE SIDE
OF THE HIGHRISE. JUST LIKE A SNAKE.

SIDE OF THE HIGHRISE. JUST LIKE A
SNAKE. IN A BRILLIANT MOVE DURING

JUST LIKE A SNAKE. IN A BRILLIANT MOVE
DURING CLOSING ARGUMENTS, SIMPSON

IN A BRILLIANT MOVE DURING CLOSING ARGUMENTS,
SIMPSON ATTORNEY JOHNNIE COCHRAN PUT ON

CLOSING ARGUMENTS, SIMPSON ATTORNEY JOHNNIE
COCHRAN PUT ON THE KNIT CAP PROSECUTORS SAY

ATTORNEY JOHNNIE COCHRAN PUT ON THE KNIT CAP
PROSECUTORS SAY O.J. WORE THE NIGHT HE COMMITTED

THE KNIT CAP PROSECUTORS SAY O.J.
WORE THE NIGHT HE COMMITTED THE MURDERS.

O.J. WORE THE NIGHT HE COMMITTED THE
MURDERS. ALTHOUGH O.J. MAY HAVE HURT HIS

THE MURDERS. ALTHOUGH O.J. MAY HAVE
HURT HIS CASE WHEN HE SUDDENLY BLURTED

ALTHOUGH O.J. MAY HAVE HURT HIS CASE WHEN HE
SUDDENLY BLURTED OUT, "HEY, EASY WITH THAT,

CASE WHEN HE SUDDENLY BLURTED OUT, "HEY, EASY
WITH THAT, THAT'S MY LUCKY STABBING HAT."

OUT, "HEY, EASY WITH THAT, THAT'S MY LUCKY
STABBING HAT." AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS,

THAT'S MY LUCKY STABBING HAT."
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS, FOLKS.

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS, FOLKS.
GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.

♪ ♪

♪♪ WELCOME, WE'RE HERE
TODAY TO HONOR THE PASSING OF

WELCOME, WE'RE HERE TODAY TO
HONOR THE PASSING OF MIRIAM LEWIS.

HONOR THE PASSING OF MIRIAM
LEWIS. MIRIAM WAS A DEVOTED MOTHER, A

MIRIAM LEWIS. MIRIAM WAS A DEVOTED
MOTHER, A LOVING GRANDMOTHER, A DEVOUT

MIRIAM WAS A DEVOTED MOTHER, A LOVING GRANDMOTHER,
A DEVOUT CHURCH-GOER, BUT MOST OF ALL A

LOVING GRANDMOTHER, A DEVOUT
CHURCH-GOER, BUT MOST OF ALL A FREE SPIRIT.

CHURCH-GOER, BUT MOST OF
ALL A FREE SPIRIT. SHE SURE WAS.

FREE SPIRIT. SHE SURE
WAS. NANA LIVED A LIFE.

SHE SURE WAS. NANA LIVED A
LIFE. YOU KNOW, AND MIRIAM'S

NANA LIVED A LIFE. YOU KNOW, AND
MIRIAM'S FAVORITE THING TO DO IN THE

YOU KNOW, AND MIRIAM'S FAVORITE THING
TO DO IN THE WHOLE WORLD WAS TAKE THE BUS

FAVORITE THING TO DO IN THE WHOLE WORLD WAS
TAKE THE BUS DOWN TO ATLANTIC CITY AND PLAY

WHOLE WORLD WAS TAKE THE BUS DOWN TO
ATLANTIC CITY AND PLAY THOSE PENNY SLOTS.

DOWN TO ATLANTIC CITY AND PLAY THOSE
PENNY SLOTS. SHE WENT EVERY SINGLE

THOSE PENNY SLOTS. SHE
WENT EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.

SHE WENT EVERY SINGLE
WEEKEND. I MISS NANA SO MUCH.

WEEKEND. I MISS NANA SO MUCH.
MIRIAM WANTED EVERY DETAIL

I MISS NANA SO MUCH. MIRIAM
WANTED EVERY DETAIL OF THIS

MIRIAM WANTED EVERY DETAIL OF
THIS FUNERAL STARTING WITH HER

OF THIS FUNERAL STARTING WITH
HER ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONG AS SUNG

FUNERAL STARTING WITH HER ALL-TIME FAVORITE
SONG AS SUNG BY HER ALL-TIME FAVORITE

ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONG AS SUNG BY HER
ALL-TIME FAVORITE PERFORMER, PLEASE WELCOME,

BY HER ALL-TIME FAVORITE PERFORMER,
PLEASE WELCOME, BUSSED IN DR. RICK FROM THE

PERFORMER, PLEASE WELCOME, BUSSED IN
DR. RICK FROM THE LOOSE NUGGET CASINO.

BUSSED IN DR. RICK FROM THE LOOSE
NUGGET CASINO. LEGENDARY ATLANTIC CITY

LOOSE NUGGET CASINO. LEGENDARY
ATLANTIC CITY HEADLINER, LEVAR B. BURTON.

LEGENDARY ATLANTIC CITY HEADLINER,
LEVAR B. BURTON.

- HEADLINER, LEVAR B. BURTON.
- THANK YOU.

THANK
YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. AND
THANK YOU TO PETER PAN BUS

THANK YOU. AND THANK YOU TO PETER
PAN BUS LINES FOR BRINGING ME TO

AND THANK YOU TO PETER PAN BUS LINES FOR
BRINGING ME TO NEW YORK CITY VIA SECAUCUS VIA

LINES FOR BRINGING ME TO NEW YORK CITY
VIA SECAUCUS VIA HERSHEY, PENNSYLVANIA.

NEW YORK CITY VIA SECAUCUS VIA
HERSHEY, PENNSYLVANIA.

HERSHEY, PENNSYLVANIA.
I KNEW MIRIAM VERY WELL.

I KNEW MIRIAM VERY
WELL. SHE WOULD ALWAYS SIT FRONT ROW

I KNEW MIRIAM VERY WELL. SHE WOULD ALWAYS
SIT FRONT ROW IN MY SHOW AND SHOUT "SING MY

SHE WOULD ALWAYS SIT FRONT ROW
IN MY SHOW AND SHOUT "SING MY SONG."

IN MY SHOW AND SHOUT "SING MY
SONG." WELL, THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, MIMI.

SONG." WELL, THIS ONE IS
FOR YOU, MIMI. ♪ I USED TO THINK

WELL, THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, MIMI. ♪ I
USED TO THINK THAT I COULD NOT GO ON ♪

♪ I USED TO THINK THAT I COULD
NOT GO ON ♪ SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

THAT I COULD NOT GO ON ♪ SOUNDS
FAMILIAR. ♪ AND LIFE WAS NOTHING

SOUNDS FAMILIAR. ♪ AND LIFE
WAS NOTHING BUT AN AWFUL SONG ♪

♪ AND LIFE WAS NOTHING BUT AN
AWFUL SONG♪ I THINK IT'S I BELIEVE I CAN

BUT AN AWFUL SONG♪ I
THINK IT'S I BELIEVE I CAN FLY.

I THINK IT'S I BELIEVE I
CAN FLY. ♪ IF I CAN SEE IT

FLY. ♪ IF I CAN SEE
IT THEN I CAN DO IT ♪

♪ IF I CAN SEE IT THEN I CAN
DO IT ♪ ♪ IF I DO BELIEVE IT

THEN I CAN DO IT ♪ ♪ IF I DO
BELIEVE IT WE MISS YOU, MIMI.

♪ IF I DO BELIEVE IT WE MISS
YOU, MIMI. THERE'S NOTHING TO IT ♪

WE MISS YOU, MIMI. THERE'S
NOTHING TO IT ♪ SING WITH ME!

THERE'S NOTHING TO IT ♪ SING
WITH ME! ♪ I BELIEVE I CAN FLY ♪

SING WITH ME! ♪ I
BELIEVE I CAN FLY ♪ STOP.

♪ I BELIEVE I CAN FLY
♪ STOP. NO, NO, STOP.

STOP. NO, NO, STOP.
THIS SONG IS BY R. KELLY.

NO, NO, STOP. THIS
SONG IS BY R. KELLY. YEAH.

THIS SONG IS BY R. KELLY. YEAH.
WE WERE ALREADY SAD AND NOW

YEAH. WE WERE ALREADY SAD AND
NOW YOU'RE MAKING US LISTEN TO R.

WE WERE ALRADY SAD AND NOW
YOU'RE MAKING US LISTEN TO R. KELLY.

YOU'RE MAKING US LISTEN TO R.
KELLY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, MIRIAM

KELLY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, MIRIAM
TOLD ME SHE WANTED THIS SPECIFIC

I DON'T UNDERSTAND, MIRIAM TOLD
ME SHE WANTED THIS SPECIFIC SONG.

TOLD ME SHE WANTED THIS SPECIFIC
SONG. BUT R. KELLY IS A HORRIBLE

SONG. BUT R. KELLY IS A HORRIBLE
MAN WHO DID AWFUL THINGS.

BUT R. KELLY IS A HORRIBLE MAN WHO DID
AWFUL THINGS. WELL, MAYBE NANA DIDN'T KNOW

MAN WHO DID AWFUL THINGS. WELL,
MAYBE NANA DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ALL THAT.

WELL, MAYBE NANA DIDN'T KNOW
ABOUT ALL THAT. MAYBE SHE DIDN'T.

ABOUT ALL THAT. MAYBE SHE
DIDN'T. AND IT WAS NANA'S WISH SO I

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T. AND IT WAS NANA'S
WISH SO I GUESS IT'S OKAY THIS ONE TIME.

AND IT WAS NANA'S WISH SO I GUESS IT'S
OKAY THIS ONE TIME. GO AHEAD, LEVAR BURTON.

GUESS IT'S OKAY THIS ONE TIME. GO
AHEAD, LEVAR BURTON. LEVAR B. BURTON.

GO AHEAD, LEVAR BURTON. LEVAR B.
BURTON. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT LEGALLY.

LEVAR B. BURTON. THAT'S VERY
IMPORTANT LEGALLY.

- THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT LEGALLY.
- NOW WHERE WAS I?

NOW WHERE
WAS I? ♪ I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

NOW WHERE WAS I? ♪ I
BELIEVE I CAN FLY I BELIEVE

♪ I BELIEVE I CAN FLY I
BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY ♪

I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH
THE SKY ♪ HEY HANDS UP.

I CAN TOUCH THE SKY ♪ HEY
HANDS UP. ♪ I THINK ABOUT IT

HEY HANDS UP. ♪ I THINK
ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY
NIGHT AND DAY ♪ OH, NO.

EVERY NIGHT AND DAY ♪
OH, NO. ♪ SPREAD MY WINGS

OH, NO. ♪ SPREAD MY
WINGS AND FLY AWAY ♪

♪ SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY
AWAY ♪ WOW, SHE SURE MET A LOT OF

AND FLY AWAY ♪ WOW, SHE
SURE MET A LOT OF CELEBRITIES.

WOW, SHE SURE MET A LOT OF
CELEBRITIES. ♪ I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

CELEBRITIES. ♪ I BELIEVE I
CAN FLY OH I BELIEVE I CAN FLY ♪

♪ I BELIEVE I CAN FLY OH I BELIEVE I
CAN FLY ♪ THAT IS WAY TOO RECENT.

OH I BELIEVE I CAN FLY ♪ THAT
IS WAY TOO RECENT. NO, NO.

THAT IS WAY TOO RECENT. NO, NO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING,

NO, NO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR COMING, LEVAR BURTON.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING,
LEVAR BURTON. OH, DON'T FORGET THAT "B" IN

LEVAR BURTON. OH, DON'T
FORGET THAT "B" IN THE MIDDLE.

OH, DON'T FORGET THAT "B" IN THE
MIDDLE. THIS MAY BE WHAT NANA WANT,

THE MIDDLE. THIS MAY BE WHAT NANA
WANT, BUT THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO

THIS MAY BE WHAT NANA WANT, BUT THIS
IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO REMEMBER HER.

BUT THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO
REMEMBER HER. LOOK, FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW A

REMEMBER HER. LOOK, FOLKS, I DON'T
KNOW A LOT ABOUT CELEBRITIES OR ROCK

LOOK, FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT
CELEBRITIES OR ROK AND ROLL, AND I'M SURE NANA

LOT ABOUT CELEBRITIES OR ROCK AND
ROLL, AND I'M SURE NANA DIDN'T EITHER.

AND ROLL, AND I'M SURE NANA DIDN'T
EITHER. SHE WAS JUST A... A SWEET OLD

DIDN'T EITHER. SHE WAS JUST... A SWEET
OLD LADY WHO LOVED TO SEE A SHOW,

SHE WAS JUST A... A SWEET OLD LADY WHO LOVED
TO SEE A SHOW, AND I KNOW SHE WANTED A FUNERAL

LADY WHO LOVED TO SEE A SHOW, AND I KNOW
SHE WANTED A FUNERAL THAT REFLECTED HAT.

AND I KNOW SHE WANTED A FUNERAL THAT REFLECTED
THAT. BECAUSE I'LL NEVER FORGET RIGHT

THAT REFLECTED THAT. BECAUSE I'LL NEVER
FORGET RIGHT BEFORE SHE DIED, SHE LOOKED ME

BECAUSE I'LL NEVER FORGET RIGHT BEFORE SHE DIED,
SHE LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND SAID,

BEFORE SHE DIED, SHE LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE
EYES AND SAID, "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY," AND THEN

STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND SAID, "I
BELIEVE I CAN FLY," AND THEN SHE JUMPED.

"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY," AND
THEN SHE JUMPED.

SHE JUMPED. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH. THOSE
GAMBLING DEBTS FINALLY

YEAH. THOSE GAMBLING DEBTS
FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO HER.

THOE GAMBLING DEBTS FINALLY CAUGHT
UP TO HER. OH, SO THAT'S WHY SHE CHOSE

CAUGHT UP TO HER. OH, SO
THAT'S WHY SHE CHOSE THIS SONG.

OH, SO THAT'S WHY SHE CHOSE THIS
SONG. SO, YOU WANT ME TO FINISH IT?

THIS SONG. SO, YOU
WANT ME TO FINISH IT? NO.

SO, YOU WANT ME TO FINISH
IT? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY NANA'S

ABSOLUTELY NOT. WHY DON'T YOU PLAY
NANA'S SECOND-FAVORITE SONG INSTEAD.

WHY DON'T YOU PLAY NANA'S
SECOND-FAVORITE SONG INSTEAD. OKAY.

SECOND-FAVORITE SONG INSTEAD.
OKAY. OH, OKAY, YOU GOT IT.

OKAY. OH, OKAY, YOU GOT IT. ♪♪

OH, OKAY, YOU GOT IT. ♪♪
NOW, USUALLY I DON'T DO THIS

♪♪ NOW, USUALLY I
DON'T DO THIS BUT...

NOW, USUALLY I DON'T DO THIS BUT
GO AHEAD ON AND BREAK THEM OFF

BUT... GO AHEAD ON AND BREAK
THEM OFF WITH A LITTLE PREVIEW OF THE

GO AHEAD ON AND BREAK THEM OFF
WITH A LITTLE PREVIEW OF THE REMIX.

WITH A LITTLE PREVIEW OF THE
REMIX. ♪ IT'S A REMIX TO IGNITION

REMIX. ♪ IT'S A REMIX TO
IGNITION HOT AND FRESH

♪ IT'S A REMIX TO IGNITION HOT
AND FRESH OUT THE KITCHEN ♪

ONCE AGAIN, KACEY
MUSGRAVES. ♪ DON'T GO THROUGH

♪ DON'T
GO THROUGH YOUR CAMERA ROLL

♪ DON'T GO THROUGH YOUR CAMERA
ROLL SO MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW

YOUR CAMERA ROLL SO MUCH YOU
DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ♪

SO MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ♪ ♪ WHAT A TRIP

THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ♪ ♪
WHAT A TRIP THE WAY YOU CAN FLIP

♪ WHAT A TRIP THE WAY YOU
CAN FLIP THROUGH ALL THE GOOD

THE WAY YOU CAN FLIP THROUGH
ALL THE GOOD PARTS OF IT ♪

THROUGH ALL THE GOOD PARTS
OF IT ♪ ♪ I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT

PARTS OF IT ♪ ♪ I SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE IT CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER

♪ I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT CHRONOLOGICAL
ORDER AND NOTHING BUT TORTURE

CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER AND NOTHING
BUT TORTURE SCROLL TOO FAR BACK ♪

AND NOTHING BUT TORTURE SCROLL
TOO FAR BACK ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU GET

SCROLL TOO FAR BACK ♪ ♪ THAT'S
WHAT YOU GET I DON'T WANNA SEE 'EM

♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU GET I DON'T
WANNA SEE 'EM BUT I CAN'T DELETE 'EM

I DON'T WANNA SEE 'EM BUT I
CAN'T DELETE 'EM IT JUST DOESN'T ♪

BUT I CAN'T DELETE 'EM IT
JUST DOESN'T ♪ ♪ FEEL RIGHT YET

IT JUST DOESN'T ♪ ♪
FEEL RIGHT YET NOT YET

♪ FEEL RIGHT YET
NOT YET ALL THE BEST

NOT YET ALL THE BEST
THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT ♪

ALL THE BEST THAT'S ALL
THAT'S LEFT ♪ ♪ CRUEL EVIDENCE

THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT ♪ ♪ CRUEL
EVIDENCE IT DOES ME NO FAVORS

♪ CRUEL EVIDENCE IT DOES
ME NO FAVORS I SHOULD KNOW

IT DOES ME NO FAVORS I SHOULD
KNOW IT'S A PLACE NOT TO GO ♪

I SHOULD KNOW IT'S A PLACE
NOT TO GO ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M ALONE

IT'S A PLACE NOT TO GO ♪ ♪ WHEN
I'M ALONE I'LL JUST FEEL BAD LATER

♪ WHEN I'M ALONE I'LL JUST FEEL
BAD LATER CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER

I'LL JUST FEEL BAD LATER CHRONOLOGICAL
ORDER AND NOTHING BUT TORTURE ♪

CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER AND NOTHING
BUT TORTURE ♪ ♪ SCROLL TOO FAR BACK

AND NOTHING BUT TORTURE ♪ ♪ SCROLL
TOO FAR BACK THAT'S WHAT YOU GET

♪ SCROLL TOO FAR BACK THAT'S
WHAT YOU GET I DON'T WANNA SEE 'EM

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET I DON'T
WANNA SEE 'EM BUT I CAN'T DELETE 'EM ♪

I DON'T WANNA SEE 'EM BUT I
CAN'T DELETE 'EM ♪ ♪ IT JUST DOESN'T

BUT I CAN'T DELETE 'EM ♪ ♪ IT
JUST DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT YET

♪ IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL
RIGHT YET NOT YET ♪

FEEL RIGHT YET NOT YET ♪ ♪♪

FEEL RIGHT YET NOT YET ♪ ♪♪

♪ LOOK AT ME I'M LIVING ALL
ALONE AND NOW YOU'RE ONLY

I'M LIVING ALL ALONE AND NOW
YOU'RE ONLY LIVING IN MY PHONE ♪

AND NOW YOU'RE ONLY LIVING
IN MY PHONE ♪ ♪ ANYWAY THANKS

LIVING IN MY PHONE ♪ ♪ ANYWAY
THANKS FOR ALL THE NIGHTS

♪ ANYWAY THANKS FOR ALL
THE NIGHTS AND THE DAYS

FOR ALL THE NIGHTS AND
THE DAYS AND EVERYTHING ♪

AND THE DAYS AND
EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ THAT YOU GAVE

AND EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ THAT
YOU GAVE I'LL NEVER ERASE IT

♪ THAT YOU GAVE I'LL NEVER
ERASE IT THERE'S ONE WHERE WE

I'LL NEVER ERASE IT THERE'S
ONE WHERE WE LOOK SO IN LOVE ♪

THERE'S ONE WHERE WE LOOK
SO IN LOVE ♪ ♪ BEFORE WE LOST

LOOK SO IN LOVE ♪ ♪
BEFORE WE LOST ALL THE SUN

♪ BEFORE WE LOST ALL THE
SUN AND I MADE YOU TAKE IT ♪

ALL THE SUN AND I
MADE YOU TAKE IT ♪ ♪♪

AND I MADE YOU TAKE IT ♪
♪♪

♪♪ WELCOME BACK TO DALLAS
WHERE THE START THE SECOND HALF IS

WELCOME BACK TO DALLAS WHERE THE START THE
SECOND HALF IS COWBOYS 10 AND CAROLINA 14.

THE START THE SECOND HALF IS COWBOYS 10 AND
CAROLINA 14. AND, TROY, THIS CAPACITY CROWD

COWBOYS 10 AND CAROLINA 14. AND, TROY, THIS
CAPACITY CROWD HAS BEEN TREATED TO A GREAT ONE.

AND, TROY, THIS CAPACITY CROWD HAS BEEN
TREATED TO A GREAT ONE. THEY SURE HAVE.

HAS BEEN TREATED TO A GREAT ONE. THEY
SURE HAVE. AND REMEMBER, WITH MIC'D UP

THEY SURE HAVE. AND REMEMBER,
WITH MIC'D UP DALLAS RUNNING BACK,

AND REMEMBER, WITH MIC'D UP DALLAS
RUNNING BACK, EZEKIEL ELLIOTT, YOU'LL BE

DALLAS RUNNING BACK, EZEKIEL ELLIOTT,
YOU'LL BE HEARING THAT AS SOON AS HE SAYS

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT, YOU'LL BE HEARING THAT AS
SOON AS HE SAYS SOMETHING WE CAN PUT ON TV.

HEARING THAT AS SOON AS HE SAYS
SOMETHING WE CAN PUT ON TV. SOUNDS GREAT.

SOMETHING WE CAN PUT ON TV.
SOUNDS GREAT. SOUNDS GREAT.

SOUNDS GREAT. SOUNDS GREAT.
BUT BEFORE THE SECOND HALF

SOUNDS GREAT. BUT BEFORE THE SECOND
HALF BEGINS, THURSDAY NIGHTS JUST GOT

BUT BEFORE THE SECOND HALF BEGINS, THURSDAY
NIGHTS JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT MORE INTERESTING.

BEGINS, THURSDAY NIGHTS JUST GOT A
WHOLE LOT MORE INTERESTING. "CRAZY HOUSE."

A WHOLE LOT MORE INTERESTING. "CRAZY
HOUSE." BECAUSE HOME IS WHERE THE

"CRAZY HOUSE." BECAUSE HOME
IS WHERE THE CRAY-CRAY STAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHOW I LIKE?
DWIGHT SHRUTE. REMEMBER THAT ONE?

DWIGHT SHRUTE. REMEMBER THAT
ONE? YEAH, I THINK YOU MEAN "THE

REMEMBER THAT ONE? YEAH, I
THINK YOU MEAN "THE OFFICE."

YEAH, I THINK YOU MEAN
"THE OFFICE." YEAH, THAT'S IT.

OFFICE." YEAH, THAT'S
IT. THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

YEAH, THAT'S IT. THAT WAS A GOOD
ONE. AND THAT DWIGHT GUY... YOU NEVER

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. AND THAT DWIGHT GUY
YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO.

AND THAT DWIGHT GUY... YOU NEVER KNEW
WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO. HE WAS CRAZY.

KNEW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO. HE
WAS CRAZY. THE COWBOYS KICKOFF TO START

HE WAS CRAZY. THE COWBOYS KICKOFF
TO START THE HALF WITH RECEPTED BY

THE COWBOYS KICKOFF TO START THE HALF WITH
RECEPTED BY ERICKSON, AND HE'S STOPPED AT

THE HALF WITH RECEPTED BY ERICKSON,
AND HE'S STOPPED AT ABOUT THE 26...

ERICKSON, AND HE'S STOPPED
AT ABOUT THE 26... OH, NO.

ABOUT THE 26... OH, NO. LOOKS
LIKE WE'VE GOT A MAN DOWN.

OH, NO. LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A
MAN DOWN. MIKE, IS THAT WILLIAMS?

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A MAN DOWN.
MIKE, IS THAT WILLIAMS? OH, GOSH.

MIKE, IS THAT WILLIAMS?
OH, GOSH. YEAH.

OH, GOSH. YEAH. INDEED,
HE'S HOLDING HIS LEG.

YEAH. INDEED, HE'S HOLDING HIS
LEG. WELL, WHILE WE HAVE A MOMENT,

INDEED, HE'S HOLDING HIS LEG. WELL, WHILE WE
HAVE A MOMENT, THURSDAY'S ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE

WELL, WHILE WE HAVE A MOMENT, THURSDAY'S ABOUT
TO GET A WHOLE LOT CRAZIER BECAUSE IT'S DOUBLE

THURSDAY'S ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE LOT CRAZIER
BECAUSE IT'S DOUBLE THE CRAZY, CRAZY HOUSE.

LOT CRAZIER BECAUSE IT'S DOUBLE THE CRAZY,
CRAZY HOUSE. TWO BACK TO BACK EPISODES OF

THE CRAZY, CRAZY HOUSE. TWO BACK TO
BACK EPISODES OF FOX'S NEW FALL FAMILY HIT.

TWO BACK TO BACK EPISODES OF FOX'S NEW FALL
FAMILY HIT. "CRAZY HOUSE" IS THE STORY OF

FOX'S NEW FALL FAMILY HIT. "CRAZY HOUSE" IS
THE STORY OF McKENNA, McKAYLA, AND SUAVE.

"CRAZY HOUSE" IS THE STORY OF McKENNA,
McKAYLA, AND SUAVE. THREE INFLUENCERS WHO HAVE

McKENNA, McKAYLA, AND SUAVE. THREE INFLUENCERS
WHO HAVE INHERITED THE CRAZIEST HOUSE IN

THREE INFLUENCERS WHO HAVE
INHERITED THE CRAZIEST HOUSE IN CHICAGO.

INHERITED THE CRAZIEST HOUSE IN
CHICAGO. HOME IS WHERE THE CRAY-CRAY STAY

CHICAGO. HOME IS WHERE
THE CRAY-CRAY STAY SLAY.

HOME IS WHERE THE CRAY-CRAY
STAY SLAY. 9:30/8:30 CENTRAL

9:30/8:30 CENTRAL HOW IS SUAVE
SPELLED? IS IT WRITTEN PHONETICALLY, OR

HOW IS SUAVE SPELLED? IS IT WRITTEN
PHONETICALLY, OR IS IT SOME KIND OF WEIRD SPANISH

IS IT WRITTEN PHONETICALLY, OR IS IT
SOME KIND OF WEIRD SPANISH SYMBOL?

IS IT SOME KIND OF WEIRD SPANISH
SYMBOL? YOU KNW WHAT, TROY...

SYMBOL? YOU KNOW WHAT, TROY...
LET'S GO DOWN TO ERIN ANDREWS,

YOU KNOW WHAT, TROY... LET'S GO DOWN
TO ERIN ANDREWS, WHOSE ON THE SIDELINES.

LET'S GO DOWN TO ERIN ANDREWS,
WHOSE ON THE SIDELINES. ERIN...

WHOSE ON THE SIDELINES. ERIN
GUYS, DEREK WILLIAMS I STILL

ERIN... GUYS, DEREK
WILLIAMS IS STILL DOWN.

GUYS, DEREK WILLIAMS IS STILL
DOWN. NO WORD YET, BUT I'LL HAVE A

DOWN. NO WORD YET, BUT I'LL
HAVE A REPORT AS SOON AS WE HEAR.

NO WORDYET, BUT I'LL HAVE A REPORT
AS SOON AS WE HEAR. THANKS, ERIN.

REPORT AS SOON AS WE HEAR. THANKS,
ERIN. I'M JUST GETTING THIS... OKAY.

THANKS, ERIN. I'M JUST GETTING THIS...
OKAY. HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

I'M JUST GETTING THIS... OKAY. HAS THIS EVER
HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU AND YOUR INFLUENCER FRIENDS

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU AND YOUR
INFLUENCER FRIENDS ARE ON THE COOLEST ROADTRIP EVER

YOU AND YOUR INFLUENCER FRIENS ARE ON THE COOLEST
ROADTRIP EVER AS YOU RECORD A TIKTOK IN EVERY

ARE ON THE COOLEST ROADTRIP EVER AS YOU RECORD A
TIKTOK IN EVERY NATIONAL PARK WHEN SUDDENLY YOU

AS YOU RECORD A TIKTOK IN EVERY NATIONAL PARK
WHEN SUDDENLY YOU GET A LETTER FROM EXTENSIVE

NATIONAL PARK WHEN SUDDENLY YOU GET A LETTER
FROM EXTENSIVE BILLIONAIRE THEODORE CRAZY.

GET A LETTER FROM EXTENSIVE BILLIONAIRE
THEODORE CRAZY. OH, SO THEY'RE NOT CRAZY.

BILLIONAIRE THEODORE CRAZY. OH, SO THEY'RE
NOT CRAZY. THE HOUSE IS OWNED BY A GUY

OH, SO THEY'RE NOT CRAZY. THE
HOUSE IS OWNED BY A GUY NAMED CRAZY?

THE HOUSE IS OWNED BY A GUY
NAMED CRAZY? APPARENTLY SO.

NAMED CRAZY? APPARENTLY SO.
AND NOW McKENNA, McKAYLA, AND

APPARENTLY SO. AND NOW McKENNA,
McKAYLA, AND SUAVE ARE THE NEW LORDS AND

AND NOW McKENNA, McKAYLA, AND SUAVE ARE
THE NEW LORDS AND LADIES OF "CRAZY HOUSE."

I DON'T KNOW THAT'S HOW YOU SAY
THAT. I JUST READ WHAT THEY GIVE

SAY THAT. I JUST READ
WHAT THEY GIVE ME.

I JUST READ WHAT THEY GIVE ME.
ERIN, WE'D LOVE TO GET AN UPDATE

ME. ERIN, WE'D LOVE TO GET
AN UPDATE ON THAT INJURY.

ERIN, WE'D LOVE TO GET AN UPDATE ON
THAT INJURY. HOLD ON, DID I SEE THAT ONE

ON THAT INJURY. HOLD ON, DID I SEE
THAT ONE OF THE "CRAZY HOUSE" FOLKS IS A

HOLD ON, DID I SEE THAT ONE OF
THE "CRAZY HOUSE" FOLKS IS A PUPPET?

OF THE "CRAZY HOUSE" FOLKS
IS A PUPPET? YEAH, I SUPPOSE SO.

PUPPET? YEAH, I SUPPOSE SO.
NOW, WHO DO YOU THINK... IT'S

YEAH, I SUPPOSE SO. NOW, WHO DO
YOU THINK... IT'S PROBABLY SUAVE, RIGHT?

NOW, WHO DO YOU THINK... IT'S
PROBABLY SUAVE, RIGHT? LET'S NOT GUESS.

PROBABLY SUAVE, RIGHT? LET'S NOT
GUESS. TAKING A ALONG TIME TO GET

LET'S NOT GUESS. TAKING A ALONG
TIME TO GET WILLIAMS OFF THE FIELD.

TAKING A ALONG TIME TO GET
WILLIAMS OFF THE FIELD. OKAY.

WILLIAMS OFF THE
FIELD. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. THURSDAY
ISN'T READY FOR THIS

OKAY. THURSDAY ISN'T
READY FOR THIS FLEX.

THURSDAY ISN'T READY FOR THIS FLEX.
WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THREE

FLEX. WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THREE FRIENDS INHERIT THE HOUSE OF

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THREE FRIENDS INHERIT
THE HOUSE OF THEIR DREAMS WITH ONE CATCH...

FRIENDS INHERIT THE HOUSE OF THEIR DREAMS WITH
ONE CATCH... THEY MUST USE IT TO FIGHT FOR

THEIR DREAMS WITH ONE CATCH... THEY
MUST USE IT TO FIGHT FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE.

THEY MUST USE IT TO FIGHT FOR
SOCIAL JUSTICE. IT'S "CRAZY HOUSE."

SOCIAL JUSTICE. IT'S "CRAZY HOUSE."
THIS WEEK McKENNA, McKAYLA, THE

IT'S "CRAZY HOUSE." THIS WEEK McKENNA,
McKAYLA, THE MONSTER, AND SUAVE ARE JOINED BY

THIS WEEK McKENNA, McKAYLA, THE MONSTER, AND
SUAVE ARE JOINED BY SPECIAL GUEST STAR, DA BABY.

MONSTER, AND SUAVE ARE JOINED BY SPECIAL GUEST
STAR, DA BABY. "CRAZY HOUSE" IT'S A VIBE.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR, DA BABY. "CRAZY HOUSE"
IT'S A VIBE. NOW, DA BABY, WHAT DID HE DO?

"CRAZY HOUSE" IT'S A VIBE. NOW, DA BABY,
WHAT DID HE DO? HE DID SOMETHING RIGHT?

NOW, DA BABY, WHAT DID HE DO? HE DID SOMETHING
RIGHT? DID HE HAVE TO QUIT BASKETBALL

HE DID SOMETHING RIGHT? DID HE HAVE TO
QUIT BASKETBALL BECAUSE HE'S AFRAID OF THE

DID HE HAVE TO QUIT BASKETBALL
BECAUSE HE'S AFRAID OF THE VACCINE?

BECAUSE HE'S AFRAID OF THE
VACCINE? ACTUALLY... ACTUALLY TROY, I

VACCINE? ACTUALLY... ACTUALLY
TROY, I THINK DA BABY IS IN THE MUSIC

ACTUALLY... ACTUALLY TROY, I THINK
DA BABY IS IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY.

THINK DA BABY IS IN THE MUSIC
INDUSTRY. NO, BUT WASN'T THERE A MOVIE

INDUSTRY. NO, BUT WASN'T THERE A
MOVIE WHERE A BABY'S WEARING A SUIT?

NO, BUT WASN'T THERE A MOVIE WHERE A
BABY'S WEARING A SUIT? WASN'T THAT HIM?

WHERE A BABY'S WEARING A SUIT?
WASN'T THAT HIM? I THINK IT'S CALLED "BOSS

WASN'T THAT HIM? I THINK
IT'S CALLED "BOSS BITCH."

I THINK IT'S CALLED "BOSS
BITCH." THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

BITCH." THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
TROY, PLEASE, LET'S NOT

THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. TROY,
PLEASE, LET'S NOT GUESS.

TROY, PLEASE, LET'S NOT GUESS.
OH, THANK GOODNESS, LOOKS LIKE

AND HOW ARE THEY FIGHTING FOR SOCIAL
JUSTICE USING A MILLION-DOLLAR HOUSE?

SOCIAL JUSTICE USING A MILLION-DOLLAR
HOUSE? IT SAYS HERE THEODORE CRAZY

MILLION-DOLLAR HOUSE? IT SAYS HERE
THEODORE CRAZY GIVES THEM POINTS.

IT SAYS HERE THEODORE CRAZY
GIVES THEM POINTS. POINTS.

GIVES THEM POINTS.
POINTS. LIKE A REALITY SHOW?

POINTS. LIKE A REALITY SHOW?
SO YOU CAN GET LIKE TEN POINTS

LIKE A REALITY SHOW? SO YOU CAN GET LIKE
TEN POINTS IF YOU MARCH FOR BLACK LIVES

SO YOU CAN GET LIKE TEN POINTS IF
YOU MARCH FOR BLACK LIVES MATTER?

IF YOU MARCH FOR BLACK LIVES
MATTER? TROY, ONCE AGAIN, LET'S OT

MATTER? TROY, ONCE
AGAIN, LET'S NOT GUESS.

TROY, ONCE AGAIN, LET'S NOT
GUESS. INSTEAD LET'S TAKE A BREAK.

GUESS. INSTEAD LET'S TAKE A
BREAK. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE

INSTEAD LET'S TAKE A BREAK. WE'LL BE BACK
WITH MORE DALLAS-CAROLINA HERE ON FOX.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE DALLAS-CAROLINA
HERE ON FOX. WAIT, McKAYLA IS A MONSTER

COME ON. GUYS, LET'S MOVE THE
SOFT LIGHT OVER THERE, AND THEN WE'RE

GUYS, LET'S MOVE THE SOFT LIGHT OVER
THERE, AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO LOCK UP SET.

LIGHT OVER THERE, AND THEN
WE'RE GOING TO LOCK UP SET. OKAY.

GOING TO LOCK UP
SET. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
OH, YES, MR. AND

ALL RIGHT. OH, YES, MR. AND
MRS. ROBINSON, WELCOME TO YOUR

OH, YES, MR. AND MRS. ROBINSON,
WELCOME TO YOUR COMMERCIAL.

MRS. ROBINSON, WELCOME
TO YOUR COMMERCIAL. WOW.

COMMERCIAL. WOW. YOU
GUYS GOT A REAL PROFESSIONAL

WOW. YOU GUYS GOT A REAL
PROFESSIONAL SET UP HERE.

YOU GUYS GOT A REAL
PROFESSIONAL SET UP HERE. YES.

SET UP HERE. YES.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.

YES. VERY IMPRESSIVE.
WELL, THANK YOU.

VERY IMPRESSIVE. WELL, THANK
YOU. SO THESE ARE YOUR MARKS RIGHT

WELL, THANK YOU. SO THESE
ARE YOUR MARKS RIGHT HERE.

SO THESE ARE YOUR MARKS RIGHT
HERE. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO STAND

HERE. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO STAND
THERE, AND I NEED YOU TO SPEAK

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO STAND THERE,
AND I NEED YOU TO SPEAK RIGHT TO CAMERA.

THERE, AND I NEED YOU TO SPEAK
RIGHT TO CAMERA. SOUNDS GREAT.

RIGHT TO CAMERA. SOUNDS
GREAT. LOVE THAT, CAN DO.

SOUNDS GREAT. LOVE THAT, CAN
DO. OKAY, LET'S SHOOT THIS PUPPY.

AND ACTION. HI. I'M
DR. DOROTHY ROBINSON, AND

HI. I'M DR. DOROTHY ROBINSON,
AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND, DR. MARK.

I'M DR. DOROTHY ROBINSON, AND
THIS IS MY HUSBAND, DR. MARK. HELLO.

THIS IS MY HUSBAND, DR. MARK.
HELLO. STOOL TESTING WE CAN PROVIDE

HELLO. STOOL TESTING WE CAN PROVIDE
ADVANCED DIAGNOSIS OF HARMFUL

STOOL TESTING WE CAN PROVIDE ADVANCED
DIAGNOSIS OF HARMFUL DISEASES AND GENETIC

ADVANCED DIAGNOSIS OF HARMFUL
DISEASES AND GENETIC PRE-DISPOSITIONS.

DISEASES AND GENETIC
PRE-DISPOSITIONS. AND WITH OUR MAIL-IN KIT

PRE-DISPOSITIONS. AND WITH OUR
MAIL-IN KIT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TEST YOUR

AND WITH OUR MAIL-IN KIT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
TEST YOUR STOOL WITHOUT EVER LEAVING THE

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TEST YOUR STOOL
WITHOUT EVER LEAVING THE HOUSE.

STOOL WITHOUT EVER LEAVING THE
HOUSE. MANY PEOPLE ARE HESITANT TO

HOUSE. MANY PEOPLE ARE
HESITANT TO MAIL IN THEIR STOOLS.

MANY PEOPLE ARE HESITANT
TO MAIL IN THEIR STOOLS. WHY?

MAIL IN THEIR STOOLS. WHY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED THAT

WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED
THAT SOMEONE MIGHT TAKE IT OUT AND

BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED THAT SOMEONE
MIGHT TAKE IT OUT AND MESS AROUND WITH IT.

THAT'S WHY AT ROBINSONS WE GUARANTEE
THAT WE WON'T. WE WANT TO DO ONE THING AND

GUARANTEE THAT WE WON'T. WE WANT TO DO ONE
THING AND ONE THING ONLY WITH YOUR STOOLS,

WE WANT TO DO ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY WITH
YOUR STOOLS, AND THAT'S TEST IT FOR DISEASES.

ONE THING ONLY WITH YOUR STOOLS, ANDTHAT'S TEST
IT FOR DISEASES. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT,

AND THAT'S TEST IT FOR DISEASES. WE'RE GOING TO
TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT FOR DISEASESES, AND THEN

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT FOR DISEASESES,
AND THEN THAT HING IS GOING RIGHT IN THE

TEST IT FOR DISEASESES, AND THEN
THAT THING IS GOING RIGHT IN THE TRASH.

THAT THING IS GOING RIGHT
IN THE TRASH. I PROMISE.

TRASH. I PROMISE. YOU
CAN TRUST ROBINSONS TO

IPROMISE. YOU CAN TRUST ROBINSONS
TO ABSOLUTELY NOT MESS AROUND WITH

YOU CAN TRUST ROBINSONS TO ABSOLUTELY NOT MESS
AROUND WITH THAT, PLAY AROUND WITH IT, GOOF

ABSOLUTELY NOT MESS AROUND WITH THAT, PLAY
AROUND WITH IT GOOF AROUND WITH IT, ANYTHING LIKE

THAT, PLAY AROUND WITH IT, GOOF
AROUND WITH IT, ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

AROUND WITH IT, ANYTHING LIKE
THAT. THAT'S WHY OUR MOTTO IS...

THAT. THAT'S WHY OUR MOTTO IS...
ROBINSONS, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE

THAT'S WHY OUR MOTTO IS... ROBINSONS, WE'RE
GOING TO TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT FOR DISEASES,

ROBINSONS, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT
FOR DISEASES, THEN THAT THING'S GOING RIGHT IN

IT OUT, TEST IT FOR DISEASES, THEN
THAT THING'S GOING RIGHT IN THE TRASH.

THEN THAT THING'S GOING RIGHT
IN THE TRASH. OKAY, LET'S CUT HERE.

THE TRASH. OKAY, LET'S
CUT HERE. PRETTY GOOD.

OKAY, LET'S CUT HERE. PRETTY
GOOD. I REALLY LOVE YOUR GUYS'

PRETTY GOOD. I REALLY
LOVE YOUR GUYS' CHEMISTRY.

I REALLY LOVE YOUR GUYS'
CHEMISTRY. I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH

CHEMISTRY. I GOT TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU GUYS, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE

I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU GUYS, IT SEEMS
LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT AND PLAY

YOU GUYS, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE
GOING TO TAKE IT OUT AND PLAY WITH IT.

GOING TO TAKE IT OUT AND
PLAY WITH IT. OKAY, EXPLAIN THAT.

WITH IT. OKAY,
EXPLAIN THAT. YEAH.

OKAY, EXPLAIN THAT. YEAH.
'CAUSE WE'RE SAYING THAT WE'RE

YEAH. 'CAUSE WE'RE
SAYING THAT WE'RE NOT.

'CAUSE WE'RE SAYING
THAT WE'RE NOT. TOTALLY.

NOT. TOTALLY. I THINK
IT'S MAYBE JUST A LITTLE

TOTALLY. I THINK IT'S MAYBE JUST A
LITTLE TOO DIRECT, AND MAYBE EVEN SO

I THINK IT'S MAYBE JUST A LITTLE TOO DIRECT,
AND MAYBE EVEN SO DIRECT THAT IT BECOMES

TOO DIRECT, AND MAYBE EVEN SO
DIRECT THAT IT BECOMES SUSPICIOUS.

DIRECT THAT IT BECOMES
SUSPICIOUS. YEAH.

SUSPICIOUS. YEAH. I GET THAT.

YEAH. I GET THAT. OKAY.

I GET THAT. OKAY. GREAT.

OKAY. GREAT. SO OKAY,
MAYBE TRY NOT TO BE SO

GREAT. SO OKAY, MAYBE TRY NOT TO
BE SO DEFINITE THIS TIME, JUST DON'T

SO OKAY, MAYBE TRY NOT TO BE SO DEFINITE
THIS TIME, JUST DON'T HIT IT QUITE AS HARD.

DEFINITE THIS TIME, JUST DON'T
HIT IT QUITE AS HARD. LESS DEFINITE.

HIT IT QUITE AS HARD.
LESS DEFINITE. GOT IT.

LESS DEFINITE. GOT
IT. GOT YOU, BOSS.

GOT IT. GOT YOU,
BOSS. GOT YOU, BOSS.

GOT YOU, BOSS. GOT
YOU, BOSS. LET'S GO AGAIN.

GOT YOU, BOSS.
LET'S GO AGAIN. OKAY.

LET'S GO AGAIN. OKAY.
ROBINSONS MAIL-IN STOOL TESTING

OKAY. ROBINSONS MAIL-IN
STOOL TESTING TAKE TWO.

ROBINSONS MAIL-IN STOOL
TESTING TAKE TWO. ACTION.

TAKE TWO. ACTION. HI
THERE, LOTS OF PEOPLE

ACTION. HI THERE, LOTS OF
PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO MAIL US THEIR

HI THERE, LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO MAIL
US THEIR STOOLS BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED

DON'T WANT TO MAIL US THEIR STOOLS BECAUSE
THEY'RE WORRIED WE MIGHT TAKE THEM OUT, MESS

STOOLS BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED WE MIGHT TAKE
THEM OUT, MESS AROUND WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT...

WE MIGHT TAKE THEM OUT, MESS AROUND WITH THEM
A LITTLE BIT... BUT AT ROBINSONS, OUR PROCESS

AROUND WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT... BUT
AT ROBINSONS, OUR PROCESS IS SIMPLE.

BUT AT ROBINSONS, OUR PROCESS IS
SIMPLE. WE TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT FOR

IS SIMPLE. WE TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT
FOR DISEASES, AND AFTER THAT, WHO

WE TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT FOR DISEASES, AND
AFTER THAT, WHO KNOWS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO?

DISEASES, AND AFTER THAT, WHO KNOWS WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO DO? WHO KNOWS, MAYBE WE MESS

KNOWS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO? WHO KNOWS,
MAYBE WE MESS AROUND WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT,

WHO KNOWS, MAYBE WE MESS AROUND
WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT, OR MAYBE WE DON'T.

AROUND WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT, OR
MAYBE WE DON'T. EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN.

OR MAYBE WE DON'T. EVERY ROSE HAS
ITS THORN. IN THIS CASE, THE ROSE IS WE

EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN. IN THIS CASE,
THE ROSE IS WE WILL TEST IT FOR DISEASES.

IN THIS CASE, THE ROSE IS WE WILL TEST IT
FOR DISEASES. THE THORN... MAYBE WE TAKE IT

WILL TEST IT FOR DISEASES. THE THORN...
MAYBE WE TAKE IT OUT, MESS AROUND WITH IT A

THE THORN... MAYBE WE TAKE IT
OUT, MESS AROUND WITH IT A LITTLE BIT?

OUT, MESS AROUND WITH IT A LITTLE
BIT? THAT'S WHY AT ROBINSONS, OUR

LITTLE BIT? THAT'S WHY AT ROBINSONS,
OUR MOTTO IS... ROBINSON'S, WE'RE

THAT'S WHY AT ROBINSONS, OUR MOTTO IS...
ROBINSON'S, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT

MOTTO IS... ROBINSON'S, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT
OUT, TEST IT FOR DISEASES, THEN THAT THING'S

GOING TO TAKE IT OUT, TEST IT FOR DISEASES, THEN
THAT THING'S GOING RIGHT IN THE TRASH MAYBE.

FOR DISEASES, THEN THAT THING'S
GOING RIGHT IN THE TRASH MAYBE. OKAY.

GOING RIGHT IN THE TRASH
MAYBE. OKAY. OKAY, CUT.

OKAY. OKAY, CUT. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, CUT. ALL RIGHT. YOU
KNOW, GUYS, I FEEL LIKE I

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, GUYS, I FEEL
LIKE I GOT TO ASK... DO YOU TAKE IT OUT

YOU KNOW, GUYS, I FEEL LIKE I GOT TO ASK...
DO YOU TAKE IT OUT AND MESS AROUND WITH IT?

GOT TO ASK... DO YOU TAKE IT OUT AND MESS
AROUND WITH IT? I WAS WORRIED PEOPLE MIGHT

AND MESS AROUND WITH IT? I WAS
WORRIED PEOPLE MIGHT THINK THAT.

I WAS WORRIED PEOPLE MIGHT THINK
THAT. GUESS WE GOT TO HIT THAT A

THINK THAT. GUESS WE GOT TO
HIT THAT A LITTLE HARDER, HUH?

GUESS WE GOT TO HIT THAT A
LITTLE HARDER, HUH? NO, PLEASE.

LITTLE HARDER, HUH? NO, PLEASE.
DO NOT HIT ANY HARDER... THAT'S

NO, PLEASE. DO NOT HIT ANY HARDER...
THAT'S MAKING ME THINK THAT YOU DO.

DO NOT HIT ANY HARDER... THAT'S MAKING ME
THINK THAT YOU DO. SEE, I THINK THAT'S JUST A

SEE, I THINK THAT'S JUST A YOU
THING. HEY, BUDDY, YOU THINK WE TAKE

YOU THING. HEY, BUDDY, YOU THINK WE
TAKE THESE THINGS OUT, MESS AROUND

HEY, BUDDY, YOU THINK WE TAKE THESE THINGS OUT,
MESS AROUND WITH THEM, PLAY AROUND WITH THEM

THESE THINGS OUT, MESS AROUND WITH
THEM, PLAY AROUND WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT?

WITH THEM, PLAY AROUND
WITH THEM A LITLE BIT? YES, I DO.

A LITTLE BIT? YES, I DO.
LOOK, JUST DON'T MENTION IT

YES, I DO. LOOK, JUST DON'T MENTION
IT AT ALL, AND NO ONE WILL THINK

LOOK, JUST DON'T MENTION IT AT ALL,
ANDNO ONE WILL THINK THAT THEY DO.

AT ALL, AND NO ONE WILL THINK
THAT THEY DO. IF THEY DO, THAT'S THEIR

THAT THEY DO. IF THEY
DO, THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM.

IF THEY DO, THAT'S THEIR
PROBLEM. OKAY, YEAH.

PROBLEM. OKAY,
YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.

OKAY, YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM.

YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT'S
THEIR PROBLEM. GREAT CALL.

THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM.
GREAT CALL. THANK YOU.

OKAY, ROBINSONS MAIL-IN STOOL
TESTING TAKE THREE. DOROTHY HERE.

DOROTHY HERE. I GOT A QUESTION FOR
YOU... WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU... WHO THE HELL DO
YOU THINK YOU ARE? OH, YOU THINK WE CAN'T HELP

THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? OH, YOU THINK
WE CAN'T HELP OURSELVES AROUND YOUR PRECIOUS

OH, YOU THINK WE CAN'T HELP OURSELVES
AROUND YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE STOOL?

OURSELVES AROND YOUR PRECIOUS
LITTLE STOOL? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SPECIAL?

LITTLE STOOL? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
SPECIAL? WE SEE THOUSANDS OF THESE THINGS

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SPECIAL? WE SEE
THOUSANDS OF THESE THINGS EVERY DAY

WE SEE THOUSANDS OF THESE THINGS
EVERY DAY. YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING SO

EVERY DAY. YOU THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING SO TEMPTING ABOUT YOURS?

YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING SO
TEMPTING ABOUT YOURS? JUST ASK OR MAILMAN.

TEMPTING ABOUT YOURS? JUST ASK OUR
MAILMAN. HEY, MAILMAN, YOU DON'T MIND

JUST ASK OUR MAILMAN. HEY, MAILMAN, YOU
DON'T MIND CARRYING THESE THINGS AROUND,

HEY, MAILMAN, YOU DON'T MIND
CARRYIN THESE THINGS AROUND, RIGHT?

CARRYING THESE THINGS
AROUND, RIGHT? I DON'T MIND.

RIGHT? I DON'T MIND.
I DON'T MIND AT ALL.

I DON'T MIND. I DON'T MIND
AT ALL. WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.

I DON'T MIND AT ALL. WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.
WE TAKE OUR JOBS SERIOUSLY, AND

WE'RE PROFESSIONALS. WE TAKE OUR
JOBS SERIOUSLY, AND WE VALUE YOUR TRUST.

WE TAKE OUR JOBS SERIOUSLY, AND WE VALUE
YOUR TRUST. THAT'S WHY AT ROBINSONS OUR

WE VALUE YOUR TRUST. THAT'S
WHY AT ROBINSONS OUR MOTTO IS...

THAT'S WHY AT ROBINSONS OUR
MOTTO IS... ROBINSONS, WE'RE GOING TO

MOTTO IS... ROBINSONS, WE'RE GOING
TO TAKE IT OUT, AND PLAY AROUND

ROBINSONS, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
IT OUT, AND PLAY AROUND WITH IT.

TAKE IT OUT, AND PLAY
AROUND WITH IT. OKAY.

WITH IT. OKAY. THAT
WORKED OUT GREAT.

OKAY. THAT WORKED OUT
GREAT. I THINK WE GOT IT.

THAT WORKED OUT GREAT. I THINK WE
GOT IT. NOW WHO WANTS TO MESS AROUND

I THINK WE GOT IT. NOW WHO WANTS TO
MESS AROUND WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS?

NOW WHO WANTS TO MESS AROUND WITH
ONE OF THOSE THINGS? WE GOT PLENTY.

- WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS?
- WE GOT PLENTY.

THANKS TO KACEY MUSGRAVES,
AND THANK YOU GUYS! ♪♪

AND THANK YOU GUYS! ♪♪ I
HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT

♪♪ I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU GUYS.

I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT THANKS
TO ALL OF YOU GUYS. IT WAS TERRIFIC.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU GUYS.
IT WAS TERRIFIC. THANK YOU!

IT WAS TERRIFIC. THANK YOU! ♪♪

THANK YOU! ♪♪ ♪♪