Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 47, Episode 12 - Willem Dafoe/Katy Perry - full transcript
Host Willem Dafoe; Katy Perry performs.
>>> MR. PRESIDENT --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE SITUATION IN UKRAINE IS
GROWING TENSER BY THE HOUR.
PUTIN HAS AMASSED OVER
100,000 TROOPS AT THE BORDER.
>> WE'RE EVEN GETTING SOME
REPORTS THAT RUSSIA HAS ALREADY
INVADED BUT THOSE ARE FROM THE
SAME PEOPLE WHO SAID TOM BRADY
RETIRED SO TAKE IT
WE THE GRAIN OF SALT.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE NATO FORCE?
ARE THEY READY TO BACK US UP?
>> EVERY COUNTRY IS SENDING
SUPPLIES TO UKRAINE EXCEPT GERMANY.
THEY'RE STAYING OUT OF IT.
>> IF GERMANY DOESN'T WANT TO GO
TO WAR, YOU KNOW IT'S BAD.
>> RUSSIA'S MILITARY MAY BE THE
WORST OF OUR PROBLEMS.
>> WE HAVE BEEN TRACKING
THE SPREAD OF RUSSIAN
DISINFORMATION, ON UKRAIN AND THERE ARE
SOME LIES UKRAINIANS DON'T KNOW
WHO TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
>> RUSSIA TRIED THAT DURING OR
LAST ELECTION, TOO, BUT IT
DIDN'T WORK.
>> WELL, 40% OF AMERICANS THINK YOU
LOST THE ELECTION, SO IT KIND OF
DID.
>>TAKE A LOOK AT THE POSTS THAT
ARE CIRCULATING ON UKRAINIAN
FACEBOOK.
"UKRAINIAN BORDER ENCROACHING ON
RUSSIAN TROOPS."
>> "RUSSIAN FORCES SURROUNDING
UKRAINE JUST TO GIVE IT BIG
HUG."
>> "UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT HORNY FOR DRAMA.
WANT WAR. SLAP ME HARDER, DADDY."
>> I'M GOING TO BREAK MY NEW
YEAR'S RESOLUTION AND SAY IT --
LORDY.
>> THEY'RE ALSO BRINGING OUR
COUNTRY INTO IT.
"AMERICAN CDC STRONGLY
RECOMMENDS RUSSIA INVADES
UKRAINE."
>> DID THE CDC REALLY RECOMMEND THAT?
>> YEAH, FOR A FEW MONTHS IN
2020.
THE SCIENCE WAS CHANGING SO FAST.
>> THERE'S ALSO THIS --
"NEIL YOUNG TO REMOVE MUSIC FROM
SPOTIFY UNLESS UKRAINE SURRENDERS."
>> AND THIS ONE IS UNBELIEVABLE.
"ARE YOU A LONELY UKRAINIAN
WOMAN IN SEARCH OF A GUY?
100,000 TROOPS ARE STANDING BY
TO TALK TO YOU AT
IT IS A GOOD IDEA FOR AWEB SIDE.
>> THEY'RE TURNING OUR MOST
BELOVED HEROES AGAINST US.
"I DON'T ALWAYS GET INVADED BUT
WHEN I DO, I PREFER RUSSIA."
>> NOT TO MENTION THIS -- "WHY I
GOT TO BE UKRAINIAN WHEN RUSSIA
TWO FEET AWAY".
NOTHING SACRED TO THEM, NOT EVEN
GUY CHECK OUT HOT GIRL.
>> IT'S NOT ONLY MEMES.
LOOK AT THIS VIDEO A RUSSIAN SPY
POSTED ON TIKTOK.
♪ ALL MY LADIES POP ♪
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
>> SIR, IT'S A VIDEO WITH 8.7 MILLION VIEWS.
>> NO, NO, I MEAN WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT DANCING?
THE CHOREOGRAPHY WASN'T EVEN CRISP.
I'VE GOT LOG IN AND FLAME THOSE
GUYS IN MY COMMENTS.
>> UNFORTUNATELY, MR. PRESIDENT,
THIS GOES BEYOND SOCIAL MEDIA.
LOOK AT THIS COMMERCIAL AIRING
ON UKRAINIAN MTV.
>> I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I'M TYPICAL UKRAINIAN TEENAGER
AND HAVE NO HOPE FOR MY FUTURE.
>> THAT'S WHY I'M THINKING OF
GOING RUSSIA.
>> RUSSIA?
YOU MEAN THE LAND OF WEALTH AND FREEDOM?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I HEAR YOU CAN GET A JOB IN
RUSSIA RIGHT AWAY, MINING
ARSENIC AND POTASH.
AND WHATEVER YOU DON'T USE FOR
FERTILIZER YOU CAN GOAT EAT.
>> BUT RUSSIA IS TOO POPULARLE
WE'LL NEVER GET IN.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT. IF ONLY RUSSIA -- COME TO US.
>> STUDENTS FOR THE RUSSIAN
NATION OF UKRAINE.
>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
NOW, WHICH ONE OF THOSE TWO WAS
ZENDAYA?
>> SIR, THESE PRO RUSSIA
COMMERCIALS ARE SATURATING
UKRAINIAN TELEVISION.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS ONE.
>> OH, NO, I AM AMERICAN
BALLPLAYER AARON RODGERS, AND MY
CAR HAS BROKEN DOWN IN UKRAINE.
ONLY ONE THING DO.
LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, RUSSIA IS THERE.
HELLO TO YOU, AARON RODGERS. NEED SOME HELP.
>> JAKE FROM RUSSIA.
CAN YOU GET ME OUT OF UKRAINE?
>> OF COURSE. WILL I TAKE TO YOU MEET OUR
PRESIDENT.
HE WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR SUPER
BOWL RING AND MAYBE HOLD IT FOR
A WHILE?
♪ ♪
>> LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, YOU ARE
IN RUSSIA.
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> YOU'RE TELLING ME UKRAINIANS
ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT'S
THE REAL AARON ROGERS?
>> APPARENTLY THAT IS THE REAL
AARON RODGERS.
I GUESS HE LEFT TO PACKERS TO
PLAY IN RUSSIA.
>> WHAT CAN WE DO TO FIGHT BACK
AGAINST ALL THIS PROPAGANDA?
>> WELL, WE HAVE TO FIGHT FIRE
WITH FIRE.
THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO OUR NEW SECRETARY OF
DEFENSE, MAKAYLA.
>> HI. I'M MAKAYLA, SPELLED THE WORST
WAY. I'M A JUNIOR AT A VICIOUS GIRLS
HIGH SCHOOL, AND Y'ALL WORK FOR
ME NOW.
>> HOLD ON. THE CIA MUST HAVE OPERATIVES ON
SOCIAL MEDIA ALREADY.
>> OH, THEY DO, AND IT'S ROUGH.
LOOK AT WHAT YOUR AGENTS MADE.
"I LIKE DEMOCRACY.
THEN DON'T SIDE WITH ME I'M RUSSIA"?
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> LITERALLY FACT. I KNOW.
THE ONLY THING MORE PATHETIC WAS
THEIR ATTEMPT AT TIKTOK.
♪ ♪
♪ WHEN I POPPED OFF
THEN YOUR GIRL GAVE ME
JUST A LITTLE BIT OF A ♪
>> WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE IF RUSSIA
INVADES IT WOULD TURN OLD
UKRAINIAN WOMEN INTO SEXY
NURSES.
>> LET'S DO SOMETHING FUN
EVERYONE CAN GET BY, LIKE A
DRONE STRIKE.
>> I THINK YOUR GENERATION CAN
LEARN A LOT FROM MINE.
LIKE, WE DON'T BELIEVE IN DRONE STRIKES.
WE BELIEVE IN BREAKING DOWN OUR
ENEMIES PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO DM PUTIN
AND SAY, OH, MY GOD, I LOVED
YOUR OUTFIT THE OTHER DAY.
WAS THAT OLD NAVY?
ALREADY HE'S SPIRALING.
HE'S LIKE, "DO THEY THINK I'M POOR?"
IN THREE WEEKS, I WILL HAVE HIM
...LOST HIS MIND.
>> HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE?
>> DOES THE NAME GIULIANI RING A
BELL
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
♪SATURDAY NIGHT ALIVE♪
Season 47 Episode 12
Episode Title: "Willem Dafoe / Katy Perry"
Aired on: January 29, 2022.
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"! WITH --
♪♪
FEATURING --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST, KATY PERRY.
AND YOUR HOST, WILLEM DAFOE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
WILLEM DAFOE.
♪♪
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HOME IN
NEW YORK.
THIS IS WHERE I STARTED.
I MOVED HERE WHEN I WAS 21.
HAD NO MONEY AND RENTED AN
APARTMENT ON 10th AND AVENUE
A FOR 200 BUCKS A MONTH.
THAT'S WHERE I LEARNED HOW TO
ACT.
FOR EXAMPLE, I HAD TO ACT LIKE
I ENJOYED HAVING A BATHTUB IN MY
KITCHEN.
I GOT STARTED IN EXPERIMENTAL
THEATER.
I WAS AN ORIGINAL MEMBER OF THE
WOOSTER GROUP.
AND THAT BACKGROUND REALLY
TAUGHT ME HOW TO THROW MYSELF
INTO A ROLE.
SOME PEOPLE TELL ME THAT MY
ACTING IS OVER THE TOP, BUT TO
ME, ONE MAN'S OVER THE TOP IS
ANOTHER MAN'S ENGAGED
PERFORMANCE.
FOR INSTANCE, IN THIS SCENE,
PEOPLE ASSUME I'M ABOUT TO TOSS
SOMEBODY OFF A BUILDING.
WHEN IN REALITY, I WAS JUST
READING A REALLY GOOD BOOK.
LOOK, I CAN'T HELP THAT I HAVE
AN EXPRESSIVE FACE.
I CAN'T CONTROL IT.
I DON'T THINK ABOUT CONTROLLING
IT.
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE SUBTLE
ACTORS, LIKE NICOLAS CAGE OR
AL PACINO.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY PEOPLE COME UP
TO ME AND SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT
ROLE YOU'D BE PERFECT FOR?
THE JOKER."
ALWAYS NICE TO HEAR THAT YOU GOT
THE VIBE OF A SOCIOPATH.
LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING OUT IN THIS
SNOWSTORM.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID IN
APPLETON, WISCONSIN, WINTERS
WERE --
>> EXCUSE ME.
DID SOMEONE SAY APPLETON,
WISCONSIN?
>> YEAH, I DID.
>> WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO
BELIEVE THIS, BUT WE'RE FROM
APPLETON, TOO.
>> YEP.
BORN AND RAISED.
>> THAT'S NICE.
YOU CAME HERE TO SUPPORT ONE OF
YOUR OWN.
>> NO.
NO.
WE GOT TICKETS FROM THE LOTTERY.
>> YEAH.
HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE HOSTIN,
BUT WE'RE HUGE FANS.
I MEAN, WE'VE SEEN ALL OF YOUR
"SPIDER-MAN" MOVIES.
"SPIDER-MAN."
"SPIDER-MAN 2."
"SPIDER-MAN" THE NEW ONE.
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE DONE OTHER FILMS.
>> OH, YEAH, WE KNOW.
WE KNOW.
WE LOVED YOU IN "FULL METAL
JACKET."
>> I ACTUALLY WASN'T IN THAT
ONE.
MAYBE YOU'RE THINKING OF
"PLATOON."
>> NO, NO.
>> AND YOU WERE GREAT IN "THE
PASSION OF THE CHRIST."
>> I WASN'T IN THAT ONE, EITHER.
I WAS IN "LAST TEMPTATION OF
CHRIST."
>> OH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT "SPEED 2
CRUISE CONTROL"?
>> THAT WAS YOU IN "SPEED 2,"
RIGHT?
>> THAT WAS ME.
>> WELL, APPLETON IS JUST SO
PROUD OF YOU.
I MEAN, YOU'RE OUT THERE MAKING
MOVIES WITH BIG HOLLYWOOD STARS
LIKE TIMOTHY CHALAMET AND SHREK.
>> WE JUST WISH YOU STILL HAD
YOUR WISCONSIN ACCENT.
>> WELL, I CAN STILL SPEAK
WISCONSIN.
>> OH, WELL, CAN YOU DO IT FOR US?
>> YEAH, I BET EVERYONE BACK
HOME WOULD JUST FLIP IF YOU DID
A REAL WISCONSIN ACCENT ON TV.
>> OKAY, SURE.
HEY, YOU GUYS, LET'S GO DOWN TO
CRAMBOS AND GET A DRINK FROM THE
BUBBLER.
>> OH, YOU STILL GOT IT!
>> YEAH!
HEY.
HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD
PLAY THE JOKER?
>> WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
KATY PERRY IS HERE.
SO STICK AROUND.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OKAY. EVERYONE.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST TENANTS
ASSOCIATION MEETING OF 2022.
I KNOW WE USUALLY HAVE COFFEE
AND MUNCHKINS AT THIS MEETING
BUT I FORGOT TO PICK THEM UP.
>> THEN WHY AM I EVEN HERE?
SHAME ON YOU!
>> WOW, SHEILA.
OKAY, WE'LL NOW HERE TENANT
COMPLAINTS AND CONCERNS, BUT
REMEMBER WE'RE ALL NEIGHBORS IN
THIS BUILDING SO LET'S PLEASE
KEEP IT CIVIL.
YES, MISS D'ALESSIO FROM UNIT 7E.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
YOU RAISED MY MAINTENANCE FEE UP
$12 THIS MONTH!
>> WELL, WE HAD TO FIX A LEAK IN THE ROOF.
>> WELL, THIS JUST IN, I DON'T
LIVE ON THE ROOF SO I'M NOT
PAYING IT!
>> WE'RE JUST GOING TO SEND YOU
ANOTHER BILL.
NEXT, MISS QUINCY FROM 2F.
>> HELLO.
I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY ASK THE
BOARD PERMISSION'S TO KILL MY
NEIGHBOR'S LOUD, STUPID, YAPPY
DOG.
>> OBVIOUSLY, PERMISSION IS DENIED.
>> BITCH, DON'T NEED IT.
I WAS ASKING AS A COURTESY.
>> MISS QUINCY, NO.
MISS WILSON?
>> I AM LIVID RIGHT NOW.
THE LAUNDRY MACHINES IN THIS
BUILDING ARE A DISGRACE.
I WASH MY 13-YEAR-OLD SON'S
SOCKS EVERY WEEK.
BUT A DAY LATER, TADA, THEY TURN
HARD AS A ROCK.
HEAR THAT?
HEAR THAT?
I WILL GO TO THE NEWS WITH THIS
IF THE MACHINES ARE NOT FIXED.
THANK YOU AND GOOD-BYE.
>> YIKES.
OKAY, LOOKS LIKE OUR DOORMAN,
JaMARCUS, WANTS TO SAY
SOMETHING.
>> HEY, FOLKS, HEY.
THIS IS FOR ALL OF THE WHITE TENANTS.
NOT ALL OF YOU BUT A LOT OF YOU.
I'M NOT SURE HOW IT STARTED,
BUT MANY OF YOU BELIEVE MY NAME
IS JaMARCUS, IT IS NOT.
MY NAME IS ROBERT.
I LET IT SLIDE AT FIRST, BUT
IT SEEMS TO BE CATCHING ON AND I
WANT TO NIP IT IN THE BUD.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JaMARCUS.
>> NEXT, KEVIN AND CLARK FROM
8C.
>> YES, I HAVE A QUESTION.
♪ WHEN IS THE BUILDING TALENT SHOW?
♪ TUESDAY ♪
♪ WHAT TIME DOES IT START I HAVE TO KNOW ♪
♪ MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ IS THERE FOOD ♪
♪ NO ♪
♪ ARE THERE DRINKS?♪
♪ NO ♪
♪ WHO'S PERFORMING?♪
♪ JUST US IS FAR ♪
♪ SO SIGN UP TODAY ♪
>> YOU WERE OFF-KEY.
YOU RUINED IT.
WHAT?
>>YOU WERE OFF-KEY.
WHAT? WAIT...
WELL, THAT SHOULD BE FUN.
OKAY, NEXT?
>> HEY.
FOR ALL YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME,
I'M JED FILLMOORE.
I BOUGHT THE TOP THREE FLOORS OF
THIS BUILDING IN 1971 FOR $11
AND IT'S BEEN A PAIN IN THE ASS
EVER SINCE.
MY QUESTION IS, WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO THIS CITY?
WHERE'S THE DANGER, MAN?
WHERE'S THE ART?
BACK IN MY DAY, IT WAS ALL PIMPS
AND WHORES, JUNKIES AND PERVERTS
ALL OVER TIMES SQUARE, MAN.
IT WAS GREAT.
YOU GO TO CBGB'S AND IGGY POP
WOULD PUKE ON YOUR FACE AND WE
LIKED IT!
WHERE DID THAT CITY GO, MAN?
>> NO IDEA.
AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION?
>> I DON'T HAVE ONE.
I JUST WANTED TO BE A PAIN IN
THE ASS.
>> OKAY.
WELL, THANK YOU MR. FILLMORE.
YES, NEXT?
>> HI.
I JUST MOVED IN.
I'M NEW, I'M LOVING IT.
I'M IN 5F, THE 300-SQUARE-FOOT
STUDIO WITH NO TOILET AND NO
WINDOWS.
MY QUESTION IS, WHEN IS MY
$6,000 RENT DUE?
>> ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH, AND
WELCOME TO THE BUILDING.
NEXT, MR. MILOS.
>> YES.
GOOGLE TRANSLATE.
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> Translator: I NEED TO MILK
FAUCET SO MAKE DESTRUCTION.
>> MR. MILOS, I'M SORRY, WE
DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.
>> YES.
I START?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> NO, NO, WAIT, HE'S GOING TAKE
DOWN ANOTHER WALL.
OKAY, I SEE OUR BILLING SUPER IS
HERE WITH AN UPDATE ON THE
RODENT SITUATION.
HOW IS THE RAT PROBLEM?
>> BAD.
>> OKAY.
THANK YOU, TOMMY.
AND NEXT -- SORRY
REMIND ME OF YOUR NAME AGAIN.
>> JAN KRANG. J-A-N K-RANG.
UNIT 9A, "A" AS IN ANNA DE LA ARMAS.
AND I MOVE THAT WE BAN ALL TEENS
FROM THE BUILDING.
THEY GATHER OUTSIDE MY
APARTMENT TO HUFF WHITE CLAWS
AND DO 69ers.
>> MISS KRANG, WE CAN'T BAN
TEENS FROM THE BUILDING, SO
PLEASE GIVE IT UP.
YES, MR. YOUNG?
>> WHEN WILL VERIZON INSTALL THE
FRIGGIN' FIOS?
IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS.
>> THEY SAID THEY'RE WORKING ON
IT, SIR.
YES?
HELLO, BOYS.
NEXT.
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> WE'RE NYU STUDENTS SUBLETTING 11F.
>> I'M JEREMY.
>> I'M CONNER.
>> WHAT'S GOOD?
>> ONE OF US MIGHT HAVE MAYBE
DROPPED A SMALL BAGGY OF BAKING
SODA IN THE ELEVATOR.
UH, IF YOU COME ACROSS IT,
PLEASE, PLEASE RETURN TO IT 11F.
>> IF IT'S WHAT I THINK IT IS,
IT'S GOING STRAIGHT IN THE
TRASH.
>> DOUCHE.
>> MOVING ON TO STANDING
COMPLAINTS.
MR. CARSON, THE FEMALE
LOVEMAKING SCREAMS ARE STILL
COMING FROM 5C EVERY NIGHT.
>> OOPS.
>> WELL, CAN YOU PLEASE ASK YOUR
GUESTS TO KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN?
>> HEY, MAN, I ASK MY FEMALE
GUESTS TO SHUSH IT.
BUT SEEMS IT'S TOO GOOD.
>> I HAD TO ASK.
OKAY, MOVING ON -- OH, NO.
MRS. BOWMAN IS THIS ABOUT THE
BUILDING'S PET POLICY?
>> NO.
>> ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD.
>> WHY THE LIMIT ON CATS PER
UNIT MUST BE RAISED FROM 3 TO 75.
PART ONE --
>> OKAY, NO, NO.
MEETING ADJOURNED.
>> THANK YOU ALL.
PLEASE PICK UP ANY TRASH ON YOUR
WAY OUT.
MAKE THE CLEANUP A LITTLE EASIER
FOR JaMARCUS.
>> PLEASE, GUYS, IT'S ROBERT!
LONG DAY LATE NIGHT
AND I WANT TO HIT THE SHOWER
LAY MY BODY DOWN ON THE BED
BRUSH MY AIR OVER SPOTIFY ♪
♪ LISTEN FOR THE SOUND THEN I
CLOSE MY EYES ♪
♪ SLEEPING LIKE A BABY,
♪ THEN I HEAR A LOUD-ASS APP ♪
>> DOOR DASH DELIVERS STILL --
RIGHT TO OUR --
♪ NOW UP UP UP UP UP
BEING PAID FOR THE AD
UP UP UP UP
DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND THE CASH ♪
SO I PLAYED ON THE ASS
♪ UP UP UP
♪ THAT'S THE REASON THAT I'M UP
♪ SNUGGLE UP TO MY GIRL NICE AND COZY ♪
♪ DREAMING ABOUT HER
♪ AS SHE IS DREAMING ALL ABOUT ME
I ROLL OVER TO ♪
♪ THE BACK OF MY NECK
AND I FEEL A LITTLE LUMP
NOW I'M UP UP UP UP UP
I'M ON WEBMD ♪
♪ UP UP UP UP
AND I'M TRYING TO
GET A PIC
UP UP UP UP ♪
♪ BUT THEY'RE COMING
OUT BLURRY ♪
♪ 2:00 A.M. AND I'M UP ♪
♪ AND I'M UP BACK TO ME
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
SOME SHUT-EYE ♪
♪ PULL THE SHEETS AND
THE PILLOW TO THE CORNER
AND I PULL THE SHEETS
AND I CUDDLE TO THE CORNER ♪
♪ THEN I HAVE A FULL
BODY SPASM ♪
♪ NOW I'M UP UP UP UP UP UP
NOW I'M UP ♪
♪ IN THE SHEETS WITH
THE WIFE AND I'M DREAMING
THEN SHE KICKS ME
WITH HER SHARP-ASS TOENAIL ♪
♪ I'M ALSO UP UP UP UP UP IT'S 3:53 ♪
♪ UP UP UP UP
SO I PUT ON MTV UP UP UP TO SEE
THE ONLY THING THAT'S ON ♪
>> AND THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT
ABOUT THE SAMURAI AIR FRYER.
YOU WANT BUFFALO WINGS?
>> OH, I LOVE WINGS.
>> WINGS!
>> STOP IT.
AMAZING.
>> HOW ABOUT A PERFECT OMELET?
>> NO, THIS THING CANNOT MAKE
EGGS.
>> IT CAN. AND IT DOES.
AND ALSO, YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO
FALL BACK TO SLEEP.
>> NO, YOU WON'T.
>> AND EVEN IF YOU DO, SOMETHING
ELSE IS GOING TO GET YOU.
>> TELL 'EM WHAT'S GOING TO WAKE
THEM UP LATER.
>> I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.
♪ A MOTORCYCLE WAKES YOU UP
UP UP UP UP
♪ YOU HAVE TO TAKE A PEE
UP UP UP UP ♪
♪ THEN YOU HAVE
TO PEE AGAIN
UP UP UP UP ♪
♪ OR YOUR CAT IS ON YOUR FACE
UP UP UP UP
SO MANY REASONS ♪
♪ STILL YOU'RE UP
AND JUST WHEN YOU'RE
ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP
YOU WAKE UP IN A COLD SWEAT
♪ BECAUSE YOU REMEMBERED
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING YOU DID
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL ♪
♪ BUT I HEAR MY CHANCE
GOT MY MASK ON
NO LIGHT NO SOUND
TURN THE MAC ON ♪
♪ EAR PLUGS
I'MA SING GETTING EASY
HERE'S HAVING TO GET ♪
♪ MY LIMBS THIN AND I'M LAZY
BUT THE SLIP IN THE SLEEPING LANE
THEN I REMEMBER SOMETHING ♪
♪ THEN I'M GOING TO STAY
NOW I'M UP UP UP UP UP UP UP
NOW I'M UP ♪
THE BEDMINSTER DOG SHOW.
>> HELLO, I'M JUDAS CHRYSLER.
>> AND I'M MIRIAM JEAN.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE US, SOME OF
THEM BY KIDS.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
THIS SHOW CELEBRATES THOSE
CANINE FREAKS WHO PREVENT OWNERS
FROM HAVING COMPANY OR INTIMACY.
>> TODAY IS FOR THEM.
>> HERE COME OUR JUDGES,
JANE BOSWORTH AND
MICKEY BOSWORTH.
>> THEY RUN A DESERT-BASED DOG
RANCH THAT'S EITHER AN ANIMAL
RESCUE OR A HOARDING SITUATION.
>> THE DOGS KNOW NOT TO MESS
WITH THEM, AND, FRANKLY, NEITHER
WOULD I.
AND HERE'S OUR FIRST COMPETITOR.
FROM THE SHAKING GROUP, IT'S
LUNA.
>> NOW, LUNA HATES THE SOUND "BEEP."
AND IF SHE HEARS IT, SHE WILL
TRY AND CLIMB UP TO YOUR HAIR.
FOR HER, THE FOURTH OF JULY IS A
WAR, AND THE ONLY SAFE SPACE IS
BEHIND THE TOILET.
>> LUNA IS ALSO SCARED OF
PLASTIC BAGS, MEN IN HATS,
PINEAPPLES, BALLOONS,
THE NETFLIX START-UP SOUND,
HER OWNERS BEING IN TWO SEPARATE
ROOMS, AND -- THIS IS
EMBARRASSING -- THE SOUND OF
SPOKEN SPANISH.
>> SHE ALSO HAS WHAT THE VET
CALLS "TANGY VAGAINY."
>> A VET SAID THAT?
>> YEAH, SHE DID. LET'S GO TO THE JUDGES.
>> TELL US ABOUT LUNA.
>> IF HER FAVORITE BLANKET IS
NOT FLUFFED CORRECTLY, SHE WILL
CRY REAL TEARS UNTIL I FIX IT.
IF MY BOYFRIEND COMES HOME AND
NEAR SITTING ME ON THE COUCH,
SHE WILL SCREAM UNTIL HE LEAVES.
MY LIFE IS HELL AND I MISS MY
FRIENDS.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
>> YEAH, TAKE HER ROUND?
>> UH-HUH.
>> NO, NO.
>> DON'T CLAP.
>> IF THESE DOGS HEAR ANY SOUND,
THEY WILL KILL.
>> PLEASE DO NOT CLAP.
>> A REMINDER FROM THE JUDGES
NOT TO CLAP.
>> NEXT FROM THE MEAN GROUP,
IT'S PIGEON.
>> PIGEON IS A SEXUAL PREDATOR
WHO HAS BEEN BANNED FROM EVERY
DOG PARK IN THE STATE OF
MARYLAND.
>> THE VET CALLED HIM "NOT
WELCOME HERE" AND THE GROOMER
CALLED HIM "MANIPULATIVE."
>> PIGEON ONCE TRIPPED AN OLD
LADY ON PURPOSE.
>> HIS OWNER SAID, QUOTE, IT
LOOKED LIKE AN ACCIDENT BUT I
SWEAR TO GOD, I SAW HIM LAUGH.
LET'S CHECK IN WITH THE JUDGES.
>> WELL, WHAT IS PIGEON'S DAILY
ROUTINE?
>> HE WAKES ME UP AT 5:00 A.M.
BY BITING MY FEET.
THEN, HE GOES IN THE HAMPER,
GRABS MY GIRLFRIEND'S UNDERWEAR,
DRAGS IT UNDER THE DINING ROOM
TABLE AND BARKS AGGRESSIVELY.
>> I SEE.
AND WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS
MONSTER?
>> OH, WELL, WHEN WE FIRST GOT
HIM, HE WAS SO QUIET.
TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST
TRAUMATIZED.
THIS IS BAD TO SAY, BUT I MISS
THAT VERSION OF HIM.
>> THANK YOU.
>> WOW.
NOW, JUDAS, IT SAYS HERE THAT
YOU AND I ARE MARRIED.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
>> THAT IS RIGHT.
AND NOW WE DO THIS.
>> YES!
WELL, FROM THE NONWALKING GROUP,
IT'S BLUEBERRY.
>> SORRY. BLUEBERRY, COME ON.
BLUEBERRY, PLEASE.
BLUEBERRY, I'M NOT PICKING YOU
UP.
BLUEBERRY, WE FLEW HERE.
BLUEBERRY, YOU GROUNDED A
FLIGHT.
>> BLUEBERRY ONCE SLID ON A TILE
FLOOR, AND IT PERMANENTLY MADE
HIM INSANE.
>> YES.
HE WILL ONLY POOP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE STREET AND HE IS
MEDICALLY UNABLE TO BE IN A CAR.
>> AND TO BE CLEAR, BLUEBERRY
CAN WALK, HE JUST CHOOSES NOT
TO.
>> AMAZING.
TRULY POINTLESS.
>> AND LASTLY, FROM THE MEDICAL
GROUP, IT'S GIZMO.
>> NOW, GIZMO HAS BAD FEET, BAD
SKIN, BAD TEETH, BAD ANAL
GLANDS, AND A BAD BRAIN.
THE TOTAL PACKAGE.
>> HE'S ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING
THAT IS OR ISN'T DUCK.
JUDGES SQUINTING AT SOMETHING ON
HIS TUMMY.
>> CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT HIS
WEIRD LITTLE PENIS?
>> YES.
HIS WEIRD LITTLE DOG PENIS IS
TOO BIG FOR HIS FRAME, SO WHEN
HE BENDS DOWN A CERTAIN WAY, IT
GETS STUCK OUTSIDE HIS BODY FOR
HOURS AND IT DRIES OUT SO IT
WON'T GO BACK IN.
AND IT HAS TO BE LUBRICATED AND
REINSERTED BY A VETERINARIAN
SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK.
I HATE SAYING THAT, AND I SAY IT
A LOT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> WELL.
>> LOOKS LIKE THE JUDGES ARE
ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER.
LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO THANK OUR
SPONSOR THUNDER SHIRT.
>> THUNDER SHIRT.
SQUEEZE YOUR STUPID DOG WITH
THUNDER SHIRT.
>> THE WINNER WILL TAKE HOME THE
GOLDEN BATHROOM TRASH ALONG WITH
A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BUFFALO
CHICKEN BONES FROM THE SIDEWALK.
>> YES.
AND THE WINNER IS GIZMO.
>> OH, NO.
GIZMO, DON'T GET EXCITED.
WE JUST PUT IT BACK IN.
GIZMO.
OH.
>> HEY, IF YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT.
>> YEAH.
CUT AWAY.
GOOD NIGHT.
WOW!
FRANK THOMAS?
>> THAT'S ME. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> I'M MARK. I'M A HUGE FAN.
>> HEY, I GET THAT A LOT.
>> WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER
YOU, BUT YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> AT MY AGE, I TRY TO STAY IN
THE GYM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
>> I HEAR YOU.
BUT ONCE I TURNED 40 --
>> LET ME GUESS, LESS ENERGY?
PUT ON A FEW POUNDS?
>> YOU SAID IT.
>> LOWER DRIVE?
CAN'T GET HARD ANYMORE?
>> WELL, LOWER DRIVE.
>> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN.
TESTOSTERONE LEVELS DROP AS YOU
AGE.
THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T GET HARD
ANYMORE.
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
HOLY CRAP, DOUG FLUTIE?
>> YES.
>> MARK HERE JUST TURNED 40.
>> AH, LET ME GUESS, CAN'T GET
HARD ANYMORE, HUH?
>> BINGO.
>> NO, I NEVER SAID THAT.
>> IT'S OKAY.
IT HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN.
>> I CAN STILL GET HARD.
>> SURE YOU CAN, MARK.
YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE BOOST.
WE ALL DO, TO GET HARD.
>> NO, SERIOUSLY, GUYS.
I'M ACTUALLY FINE DOWN THERE.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO US,
MARK.
IT'S OKAY.
SEE, AS YOU GET OLDER --
>>TESTOSTERONE LEVELS DROP.
>> YEAH, I KNOW.
HE ALREADY SAID IT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING
ABOUT?
>> OH, MY GOD. SIR WILLEM DAFOE.
>> SIR WILLEM?
I'M NOT EVEN BRITISH.
>> OH.
WHY DID I THINK YOU WERE
BRITISH?
>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
>> THIS IS MARK.
HE CAME UP TO US AND TOLD US HE
COULDN'T GET HARD ANYMORE.
>> STOP SAYING THAT.
>> LET ME GUESS, YOU JUST TURNED
THE BIG 3-0.
>> 30?
>> IT HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN,
ESPECIALLY ME.
>> I'M SORRY, HOW DO YOU GUYS
ALL KNOW EACH OTHER?
>> FROM BONER STUFF.
MET AT A MEETING.
>> YEAH, WE ALL HAVE THE SAME
PROBLEM AS YOU.
>> OKAY, I WANT TO SAY AGAIN,
FOR THE RECORD, I CAN STILL GET
VERY HARD.
>> DAMN RIGHT YOU CAN.
NOW WITH NUGENIX.
>> NUGENIX?
WHAT'S NUGENIX?
>> OH, SO NOW YOU'RE INTERESTED,
HUH?
>> LOOK AT HIM, HE'S ALL EARS
NOW.
>> NO, I WAS JUST ASKING
BECAUSE --
>> AT FIRST HE WAS LIKE, NO WAY,
I CAN GET HARD ALL THE TIME.
>> RIGHT?
AND NOW, HE'S LIKE, "HMM,
WHAT'S NUGENIX?"
>> HE WANTS IT.
>> THAT'S YOU.
>> IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU GUYS.
>> HONEY, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
>> WE'RE TRYING TO HELP YOUR
HUSBAND GET HARD AGAIN.
>> WHAT?
OH MY GOD, AREN'T YOU --
>> SIR WILLEM DAFOE.
THE PLEASURE'S ALL MINE, M'LADY.
>> OOH, CHARMER.
YOU'RE EVEN MORE HANDSOME IN
PERSON.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
>> THAT'S NUGENIX.
>> WHAT?
>> THAT SOUND.
IT'S ME GETTING HARD.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT?
>> SEE, WHEN A MAN REACHES A
CERTAIN AGE, HE CAN NEVER GET
HARD AGAIN.
>> UNTIL NOW, WITH NUGENIX.
>> OH, AND THERE'S MINE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
IT'S SO LOUD.
>> GREAT, NOW I'M GETTING HARD,
TOO.
>> SO NUGENIX IS A MACHINE?
>> OH, SO NOW HE'S INTERESTED.
>> OH.
>> OW!
>> ARE YOU OKAY?
>> IT'S FINE.
IT'S JUST YOUR PERFUME SMELLS
LOVELY, M'LADY.
>> BABE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
>> OH!
>> OW!
>> I LOVE THIS!
>> NUGENIX, TESTOSTERONE
BOOSTING MALE ENHANCEMENT.
TRY IT FOR FREE.
OH, NOW YOU'RE INTERESTED.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KATY PERRY.
♪ WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT IT WON'T BE FOR LONG ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE
FEEL LIKE ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY,
EASY TO FORGET ME
LET GO OF THE MEMORIES ♪
♪ NOW YOUR BED IS EMPTY
YOU'RE WAKING UP SWEATING ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M STILL IN YOUR
WILD DREAMS ♪
♪ LATE NIGHTS CALLIN' ME
CALLIN' ME ♪
♪ DO ANYTHING TO KEEP ME CLOSE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW
IT'S GONNA BE GONNA BE ♪
♪ SO HARD FOR YOU O LET ME GO ♪
♪ WHEN I'M GONE I'M NEVER REALLY
GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT IT WON'T BE FOR LONG ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE ♪
♪ ME ON TOP OF YOU
TOUCH YOU LIKE I DO ♪
♪ NO, YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ♪
♪ WHEN I'M GONE I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE ♪
♪ YOU'RE CHASING THE DANGER
IT'S JUST IN YOUR NATURE ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME IN STRANGERS
ALL THESE PRETTY FACES ♪
♪ NO ONE CAN REPLACE IT
I'M ALWAYS YOUR FAVORITE ♪
♪ LATE NIGHTS CALLIN' ME,
CALLIN' ME ♪
♪ DO ANYTHING TO KEEP ME CLOSE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW IT'S
GONNA BE GONNA BE ♪
♪ SO HARD FOR YOU
TO LET ME GO
♪ WHEN I'M GONE I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON BUT
IT WON'T BE FOR LONG ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
NEVER REALLY GONE
BUT NO ONE'S ♪
♪ GONNA FEEL LIKE NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE
ME ♪
OOH ♪
♪ LIKE ME ♪
♪♪
|
♪♪
|
♪ WHEN I'M GONE ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE."
WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
>> GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING EVERY ONE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> WELL, THE STOCK MARKET
IS PLUMMETING AND IT LOOKS LIKE
THERE'S A THREAT OF LAND WAR IN
EUROPE, SO IT LOOKS LIKE
DEMOCRATS WERE RIGHT --
JOE BIDEN IS THE NEXT FDR.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS WORKING TO
PREVENT A WAR BETWEEN RUSSIA AND
UKRAINE, AND HE SAID A VIDEO
CALL BETWEEN EUROPEAN ALLIES
WENT, "VERY, VERY, VERY WELL."
YEAH, IT'S THE THIRD "VERY" THAT
WORRIES ME.
YOU ONLY SAY THAT WHEN YOU'RE
TRYING TO COVER FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S GOING REALLY BADLY.
IT'S LIKE IF MATT GAETZ SAYS
THAT GIRL WAS VERY, VERY, VERY
OVER 18.
UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS ARE SAYING
THE REPEATED WARNINGS OF
INVASION ARE CAUSE FOR PANIC AND
PANIC IS THE SISTER OF FAILURE,
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT LORNE SAID
TO GET US TO DO THIS SHOW DURING
A BLIZZARD.
ALSO AM I WRONG?
I THOUGHT I VAN KA WAS THE
SISTER OF FAILURE.
>>> SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
STEPHEN BREYER ANNOUNCED THAT HE
WILL RETIRE IN JUNE.
WE THANK JUSTICE BREYER FOR
YEARS OF UPHOLDING THE RIGHTS OF
EVERY AMERICAN, SAID LIBERALS
WHO HAVE BEEN TWEETING, "RETIRE,
BITCH," FOR A FULL YEAR.
I SYMPATHIZE WITH BREYER BECAUSE
I GET THOSE VERY SAME TWEETS
EVERY SATURDAY AROUND THIS TIME.
>>> PRESIDENT BIDEN PROMISED TO
NOMINATE THE FIRST BLACK WOMAN
TO THE SUPREME COURT.
BUT I HOPE IT'S NOT BECAUSE
HE WANTS TO SNIFF A NEW TYPE OF
HAIR.
>>> SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL,
SEEN HERE LEARNING BETTY WHITE
HAD DIED, WARNED PRESIDENT BIDEN
NOT TO OUTSOURCE HIS CHOICE FOR
THE SUPREME COURT TO THE, QUOTE,
RADICAL LEFT.
COINCIDENTALLY, A RADICAL LEFT
IS ALSO WHAT McDONNELL TAKES TO
PURPOSELY RUN OVER STRAY DOGS.
>>> VIRGINIA GOVERNOR
GLENN YOUNGKIN HAS SET UP A
HOTLINE FOR PARENTS TO REPORT
SCHOOLS THEY BELIEVE ARE
TEACHING CRITICAL RACE THEORY.
DAMN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE RACIST
WHEN YOU CALL THE COPS ABOUT A
BLACK CHARACTER IN A BOOK.
"YEAH, HI, I'D LIKE TO REPORT A
SUSPICIOUS BLACK MAN RAFTING
WITH A YOUNG, WHITE HOSTAGE."
>>> PRESIDENT BIDEN ON FRIDAY
TRAVELLED TO PITTSBURGH AND
PROMISED TO REBUILD A COLLAPSED
BRIDGE USING FUNDS FROM HIS
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL, WHILE THE
REPUBLICANS FEEL THE BRIDGE
SHOULD JUST LIFT ITSELF UP BY
ITS BOOTSTRAPS.
>>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT LAST
YEAR, THE U.S. ECONOMY GREW AT
ITS FASTEST RATE SINCE
RONALD REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT.
BIDEN HAS EVEN STARTED USING
REAGAN'S OLD CATCH PHASE,
"WHERE AM I?"
>>> THREE ITEMS PUT UP FOR
AUCTION BY MELANIA TRUMP FAILED
TO REACH THE OPENING BID OF
$250,000.
BUT MELANIA IS NO STRANGER TO
FINDING OUT SOMETHING ISN'T
WORTH AS MUCH AS SHE THOUGHT.
>>> TRACKING CONSUMER DATA HAS
NEVER BEEN MORE DIFFICULT, WHICH
MAKES PURCHASING TRENDS EVEN
HARDER TO PREDICT.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT ARE TWO
TREND FORECASTERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, MICHAEL.
>> GOOD EVENING.
>>HOW DO YOU GUYS PREDICT
TODAY'S MOST POPULAR TRENDS?
>> WELL, WE HAVE 4,000
COMPUTERS.
THEY'RE ALL BIG, THEY ALL MAKE
CHARTS AND THEY BEEP LOUD.
>> THE NUMBERS ARE IN.
AND THE TRENDS OF TODAY HAVE
BEEN CAST.
HERE IS --
>> Both: THE REPORT.
>> OUR FIRST CATEGORY IS --
>> Both: FASHION TRENDS.
>> IN, SHIRT TOO BIG FOR BODY.
>> IN, HAT TOO SMALL FOR HEAD.
>> IN, MALE CLEAVAGE.
>> AND OUT --
>> Both: SHINY SHOE.
>> SHINY SHOE, YOU'RE OUT.
SO GO BACK TO HELL.
>> STOP FLAUNTING YOUR WEALTH,
SHINY SHOE.
>> WE'RE FIGHTING A VIRUS.
>> IF I SEE YOU IN THE STREET,
I'LL STAB YOU IN THE FACE.
>> GO TO BED, BITCH.
>> DAMN, SEEMS LIKE YOU GUYS
HATE SHINY SHOES.
>> SHH. SHH!
WE HAVE OUR NEXT CATEGORY.
>> Both: MEN TRENDS.
>> IN, DRY, CALLOUSED FEET.
>> IN, DOING THE DAMN DISHES.
>> IN, SOBBING.
>> AND OUT --
>> Both: MOVIE POSTERS AS DECOR.
>> MOVIE POSERS AS DECOR, GET
EFFED.
>> ARE YOU A BAND-AID?
'CAUSE I WANT TO RIP YOU OFF.
>> OH, GROW UP, "PULP FICTION"
POSTER AND BE A DAMN PAINTING.
>> MOVIE POSTERS AS DECOR --
>> Both: GO TO BED!
>> WHY DO YOU GUYS KEEP SENDING
THINGS TO BED?
>> BECAUSE!
WE AREN'T ALLOWED TO SEND THEM
TO DEATH!
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> WE'RE TALKING TRENDS.
EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY.
WE HAVE OUR NEXT CATEGORY.
>> Both: BABY TRENDS.
>> IN, WEARING THE SMALLEST
SOCKS THEY MAKE.
>> IN, BEING TWINS.
>> IN, BEING BURPED BY A FRIEND.
>> AND OUT --
>> Both: DUMPING IN THEIR PANTS
AND SAYING NOTHING!
>> BABY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
THAT'S INSANE.
>> THIS IS A SOCIETY.
EATING CHEERIOS WITH A DUMP ON
YOUR ASS, NO.
>> THESE QUIET LEGENDS NEED TO
SPEAK UP.
>> THEIR SILENCE IS DEAFENING.
>> GET IN YOUR BED THAT IS ALSO
A JAIL.
>> I'M SORRY.
I -- I -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> THERE'S NO TIME TO
UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE IT'S TIME
FORFUTURE TRENDS.
>> IN, EUPHORIA, THE FEELING.
>> AND, UH-OH, BACK FROM HELL,
IT'S SHINY SHOES.
CONGRATULATIONS, SHOE.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT
ARE GOING TO BE OUT?
>> WELL, MICHAEL, THE COMPUTER
ONLY OUSTED THREE TRENDS.
>> AND YOU KNOW THAT THEY ALL
HAVE TO BE BANISHED TO HELL FOR
BEING OUT.
>> OUT IS CAT-EYE GLASSES.
>> FIDGET SPINNERS.
>> AND MICHAEL CHE!
>> NO!
THE TREND FORECASTERS,
EVERYBODY.
>> Both: GO TO BED, BITCH.
GO TO BED.
>> AMAZING.
YOU DISTRACTED?
>> NO, NO, IT'S GOOD.
>>> PELOTON IS CONCERNED AFTER
THE TV SHOW "BILLIONS" BECAME
THE SECOND SERIES IN RECENT
WEEKS TO SHOW A CHARACTER HAVING
A HEART ATTACK WHILE USING THEIR
EXERCISE BIKE.
AND THEY ARE EXTREMELY WORRIED
ABOUT HOW THEY FACTOR INTO
SEASON TWO OF "SQUID GAME."
>>> ITEMS FROM THE LATE
RUTH BADER GINSBURG'S PERSONAL
LIBRARY ARE BEING AUCTIONED OFF.
THEY'RE SELLING THE BOOKS AND
THE DESKS, BUT TO HONOR
GINSBURG'S LEGACY, THEY'RE GOING
TO HANG ONTO THE SEAT FOR WAY
LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD.
>> I'LL PUT ON THE GLASSES.
>>> THE HORSE THAT PLAYED
SEABISCUIT IN THE 2003 FILM HAS
DIED AT THE AGE OF 24, SO LET'S
POUR ONE OUT FOR A LEGEND.
GO TO BED!
I DON'T KNOW.
>>> THE CREATOR OF "FULL HOUSE"
IS SELLING HIS BEVERLY HILLS
MANSION, WHICH WAS BUILT ON THE
SITE OF A MANSON FAMILY MURDER.
WOW, IT IS CRAZY TO THINK THAT
HOUSE HAS CONNECTIONS TO A SICK,
TWISTED CRIMINAL.
I'M SURE SHE'S FINE.
>>> McDONALD'S HAS INTRODUCED A
NEW SANDWICH THAT COMBINES BEEF,
FISH AND CHICKEN THAT THEY'RE
CALLING THE LAND, AIR AND SEA.
WAIT, IS AIR THE CHICKEN?
DOES McDONALD'S THINK CHICKENS
FLY?
OR DO THEY JUST THINK THIS IS A
CHICKEN?
>>> A NEW STUDY OF FEMALE
BOTTLENOSE DOLPHINS SUGGESTS
THAT THE CLITORIS CAN EXPERIENCE
PLEASURE DURING SEXUAL
STIMULATION.
BUT SADLY, THEIR FINS CAN'T
REACH.
>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED --
>> DO YOU GET IT?
>> YEAH.
>>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED -- IT WAS
ANNOUNCED THAT MOUNTAIN DEW'S
BAJA BLAST IS BEING CONVERTED
INTO A NEW ALCOHOLIC SELTZER,
WHICH IS THEN BEING CONVERTED
INTO YOUR THIRD DUI.
LAST WEEK END...
EXCITNG
FOOTBALL EVER, AND THE
PLAYOFFS CONTINUE TOMORROW WITH
THE AFC AND NFC CHAMPIONSHIPS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS HALL OF FAME
QUARTERBACK AND TWO-TIME
SUPER BOWL CHAMPION,
PEYTON MANNING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME, COLIN.
>> I'M VERY HAPPY YOU'RE HERE, PEYTON.
YOU PROBABLY HAVE A BETTER
PERSPECTIVE ON THIS THAN ALMOST
ANYONE IN HISTORY.
HOW GREAT WERE THOSE GAMES?
>> YEAH, I HEARD THEY WERE INCREDIBLE.
>> YOU HEARD THEY WERE
INCREDIBLE?
>> YEAH.
SOUNDS LIKE ALL THE TEAMS DID A
GREAT JOB.
LOTS OF PASSING, AND ALL THE
TOUCHDOWNS WERE IN THE END ZONE.
>> SO YOU DIDN'T WATCH ANY OF
THE GAMES?
>> WELL, I PLANNED TO, BUT I HAD
AN HOUR TO KILL BEFORE THE FIRST
GAME SO JUST FOR FUN, I PUT ON
THE FIRST EPISODE OF "EMILY IN
PARIS" SEASON TWO.
AND I WATCHED THE ENTIRE SEASON
STRAIGHT THROUGH.
OH, MY GOD, COLIN, THIS SHOW HAS
EVERYTHING --
ROMANCE, ADVENTURE, SENSUALITY,
CULTURE, A FRESH TAKE ON
FEMINISM -- FINALLY.
NOT TO MENTION, A CULINARY
TAPESTRY SO RICH, I CAN ONLY
DESCRIBE IT AS FOOD PORN.
>> WOW.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE
"EMILY IN PARIS."
BUT IN FOOTBALL NEWS, DID YOU
HEAR THE RUMORS THAT TOM BRADY
MAY BE RETIRING.
>> YEAH.
I'M NOT SURE IT'S TRUE.
I THINK IT'S PROBABLY JUST SPECULATION.
BUT IF IT WERE ME, I PROBABLY
WOULD RETIRE, TOO, IF IT GAVE ME
MORE TIME TO WATCH "EMILY IN
PARIS."
I REALLY THINK FOR TOM RIGHT
NOW, IT'S JUST A TOUGH DECISION
BETWEEN BALANCING HIS CAREER AND
RELATIONSHIPS, SORT OF LIKE
EMILY.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.
THIS IS A CLASSIC SHOWDOWN
BETWEEN EMILY'S CAREER AND HER
LOVE LIFE.
EARLY ON, THE Os WERE GETTING
COMPLETELY DOMINATED BY THE Xs,
AND THERE WERE LOTS OF Xs, IF
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> I DO NOT, KNOW.
>> GABRIEL, MATHIEU CADAULT,
TIMOTHY, DOUG FROM CHICAGO,
OBVIOUSLY.
NOW EMILY WANTS TO GO DEEP ON A
RELATIONSHIP WITH GABRIEL, AND
TO GET AHEAD AT WORK.
BUT AS LONG AS CAMILLE IS
BLOCKING HER, SHE'S GOT TO GO
THROUGH HER PROGRESSIONS AND
CHECK DOWN TO ALFIE IN THE FLATS.
SURE, IT FEELS LIKE A BROKEN
PLAY, AND SHE'S DUMPING IT OFF,
BUT EMOTIONALLY, SHE'S MAKING
FORWARD PROGRESS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I GOT TO ASK, PEYTON, HOW
MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND ON THIS?
>> AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON
THE COACHING, OKAY?
HER FRIEND MINDY SERIOUSLY TOLD
EMILY TO BREAK HER PINKY PROMISE
TO FORGET ABOUT GABRIEL AND STAY
TRUE TO ALFIE?
SACRE BLEU, MAN.
IT'S ALMOST HALFTIME OF SEASON
TWO.
YOU'VE GOT TO CALL A TIME-OUT THERE.
OOH-LA-LA?
MORE LIKE, OH, NO YOU DIDN'T,
GIRL.
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
I'M NOT SURE.
>> BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT
SITTING ON THE SIDELINES?
THE FASHION.
STRIPED PARACHUTE PANTS,
PLAID NEWSBOY HATS, FUR-TRIMMED
CARDIGAN, AND FINGERLESS DRIVING GLOVES?
SHE MIGHT NOT BE DRIVING A CAR,
BUT SHE SURE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE
AN EPISODE DOWN THE FIELD WITH THESE LEWKS.
BY THE WAY, THAT'S LOOKS BUT
IT'S SPELLED L-E-W-K.
>> THANKS, MAN.
YEAH, I GOT IT.
HONESTLY I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT YOU JUST SPENT TREN
STRAIGHT HOURS WATCHING
"EMILY IN PARIS."
YOU COULD HAVE SEEN JOSH ALLEN,
PATRICK MAHOMES, ONE OF THE BEST
QUARTERBACK DUELS IN HISTORY.
>> SURE, WATCHING FOOTBALL WAS
WATCHING FOOTBALL WAS THE SAFE THING TO DO.
THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTED ME
TO DO.
BUT IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING
FROM EMILY, IT'S TO FOLLOW MY
PASSIONS AND ALWAYS BE TRUE TO
MYSELF.
THE FRENCH HAVE A SAYING --
PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
WHICH MEANS
PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
WHICH MEANS, "YOU DO YOU, GIRL."
>> I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH, COLIN.
BUT THANKS TO EMILY, I SPEAK
LOVE.
>> WOW.
SO YOU THINK SEASON TWO WAS EVEN
BETTER THAN SEASON ONE.
>> WAIT.
THERE'S A SEASON ONE?
>> PEYTON MANNING, EVERYONE.
>> GO, BILLS!
THEY'RE STILL IN IT, RIGHT?
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOPOD NIGHT..
♪♪
>> BELLE, ARE YOU HAPPY HERE
WITH ME?
>> I'M -- GETTING USED TO IT.
>> WHAT'S WRONG?
>> IF ONLY I COULD SEE MY FATHER
AGAIN, JUST FOR A MOMENT.
>> WELL, PERHAPS THERE IS A WAY.
THIS MAGIC MIRROR WILL SHOW YOU
ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
>> ANYTHING?
>> YES, BELLE, ANYTHING.
>> I'D LIKE TO SEE MY FATHER,
PLEASE.
>> BON SOIR.
IS ANYBODY HOME?
BELLE, BELLE, ARE YOU HERE?
HELLO!
>> OH, HE'S CALLING FOR ME.
I KNEW MY FATHER MISSED ME.
>> OF COURSE HE MISSES YOU,
BELLE.
HE WOULD BE A FOOL IF HE DIDN'T.
>> OKAY, SO, I AM JUST SHAKING.
I AM DEFINITELY ALONE THEN.
NOBODY HERE IN THE COTTAGE,
EXCEPT LITTLE, OLD ME.
CRAZY OLD MAURICE.
>> UH-OH.
>> WHAT?
>> WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE YOUR
FATHER REALLY WANTS TO MAKE SURE
HE'S ALONE.
>> WELL, HE'S NEVER BEEN BY
HIMSELF BEFORE.
HE'S PROBABLY FRIGHTENED.
>> YEAH, I THINK WE'RE THE ONES
WHO SHOULD BE FRIGHTENED.
♪ THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY
LIFE ♪
>> YEP, YEP, HERE WE GO.
HE'S LIGHTING ALL THE CANDLES
NOW.
>> WELL, MAYBE HE IS COLD.
>> NOPE.
NOT A SHOT.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING
HERE.
>> YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HE DOING
NOW?
>> DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME.
>> HE JUST SEEMS TO BE SO LOST
WITHOUT ME.
>> BELLE, THIS GUY'S NOT
THINKING ABOUT YOU AT ALL, AND
IF HE IS, WE'VE GOT BIGGER
PROBLEMS.
>> OH MY GOD! WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?
♪♪
>> WELL, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING
YOU SEE EVERY DAY.
>> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING --
THE MIRROR NEVER DISAPPOINTS.
>> OKAY, MAYBE HE SHOULD DO
SOMETHING ELSE.
ANYBODY WANT TO SING "BE OUR
GUEST" AGAIN?
IT'S A REALLY FUN, COOL SONG.
>> MAYBE LATER.
>> OUCH!
HARDER!
OUCH!
HARDER!
OUCH!
OUCH.
>> OH, I LIKE THIS DUDE.
HE NASTY.
>> OKAY, OKAY, I THINK WE'VE
SEEN ENOUGH.
ANYONE ELSE WANT TO LOOK IN THE
MIRROR.
>> QUIET, THE STRANGEST THING OF
ALL IS HAPPENING.
>> OH, MY LADY, LOOK AT HOW I'M
CARRYING ON SINCE YOUR PASSING.
I JUST WISH YOU WERE HOLDING ME
CLOSE AND KISSING MY NECK,
STROKING MY HAIR, STOMPING ON MY
GROIN, SPANKING MY ASS!
BITING MY ASS!
SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS WITH MY
ASS.
>> OH!
OOPS, I BROKE THE MIRROR.
TOTAL ACCIDENT.
CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
ANY WAYS, SEE EVERYONE AT DINNER
AND
♪ LET'S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS
AGAIN ♪
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE BROKE THE
MIRROR.
>> DON'T WORRY, GUYS, I GOT LIKE
30 MORE IN MY ROOM.
>> WAIT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT OLD MAN'S
COTTAGE?
♪ A TALE AS OL AS TIME ♪
>> WHICH IS A SONG I WOULD SING
IF I HAD THE RIGHTS.
>>> I KNOW, DUDE.
BUT THAT'S LIKE JAMIE'S WHOLE
DEAL.
LIKE, SHE WOULD SAY THAT.
>> HEY, MARK, WHO IS THAT?
>> SORRY, THIS IS MY FRIEND,
CONNER.
CON, THESE ARE THE GUYS I WAS
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> HEY.
>> HEY.
>> CONNER, IF I GET TAPAS, DO
YOU WANT IN?
>> THE USUAL.
WHAT DO I OWE YOU?
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU GOT UBER LAST NIGHT.
>> COME ON, GUYS, SERIOUSLY.
WE HAVE TO GET TO WRITING.
>> IS CONNER PRACTICING VIOLIN?
>> YES, JUST IGNORE ME.
>> A NEEDS TO PRACTICE.
>> IS JOST AROUND BY THE WAY?
>> CONNER WANTED TO PITCH
HIM SOME JOKES.
>> WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHITE
BITCH WITH DREADLOCKS?
>> DUDE.
>> OH MY GOD,SORRY IF HE'S NOT BEING THE
MOST PC.
>> YOU SOUND LIKE JACOB RIGHT
NOW.
>> TOTALLY.
>> WHO IS JACOB?
>> JUST A NERD.
>> JUST A NERD.
DO YOU WANT TAPAS OR JUST ME AND
THE "C" TRAIN.
10-YEAR-OLD?
>> BECAUSE WE GET ALONG, MAN.
I WAS TIRED OF ONLY HANG OUGHT
WITH TOXIC WORK FRIENDS.
>> TOXIC?
YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH A KID.
>> OH MY GOD.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE HOOK UP.
>> WELL, DUDE, HOW ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
IT'S A WEIRD MESSAGE COMING
ACROSS.
>> HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET?
>> WE ARE ON THE SAME SOCCER
TEAM.
>> THE DRAGONS.
>> THE DRAGONS?
>> HANGING WITH THE WHOLE TEAM
TONIGHT.
GOT US A TABLE AT A NIGHTCLUB.
YOU CONNOR
GOT US A TABLE AT A
NIGHTCLUB?
>> NO, DUMB ASS, I'M 10.
>> CAN YOU IMAGINE?
>> YEAH, LIKE, HEY, I'M 10,
LET'S GO DANCING AND DRINK SOME
HENNESSEY.
>> WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
>> CONNER IS VERY FUNNY.
>> HE IS NOT FUNNY.
>> HE IS.
IT'S JUST HIS DELIVERY OR
SOMETHING.
HE JUST HAS IT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> JEEZ, JOHN.
NO NEED TO BE SUCH A JACOB.
>> I DON'T KNOW JACOB, BUT THAT
REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS.
>> IT SHOULD, DUDE.
OH, FOOD'S HERE.
>> HOW DOES IT FEEL BEING A
[ BLEEP ] BABY.
>> ALL RIGHT, NOODLES WITH BUTTER.
THAT'S FOR ME.
AND CON, THE PORTERHOUSE, RARE.
>> ARIGATO, MY FRIEND.
>> HE SHOULD NOT BE EATING A
RARE PORTERHOUSE.
>> I WOULDN'T BE GIVING ANYBODY
ELSE DIET ADVICE, TUBBY.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> THAT DOES IT.
>> WHOA, MAN.
>> I'M EATING YOUR STEAK NOW,
DUDE.
>> JOHN!
>> YOU ACT LIKE A JERK, HE GETS
THE STEAK EATEN.
>> NO.
>> JOHN?
>> NOW, WE GOT TO ORDER MORE.
>> JOHN, WHAT'S WRONG?
>> I'M CHOKING.
>> YOU'RE TALKING.
>> NO, I'M CHOKING.
>> OH, HE'S CHOKING.
♪♪
♪ THEY SAY THAT A HERO CAN SAVE
US ♪
♪ NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND
WAIT ♪
♪ I HOLD ON TO THE WINGS OF THE
EAGLE ♪
♪ WATCH AS WE ALL FLY AWAY ♪
♪ NOW THAT THE WORLD IS ♪
>> YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
MAYBE I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU.
HOW ABOUT TONIGHT WE DO GO TO A
NIGHTCLUB?
>> YEAH.
I'D LIKE THAT.
♪♪
♪
THEY SAY THAT HE HERO --
>> CONNER, I GOT YOUR E-MAIL.
I LOVE THAT UPDATE JOKE.
♪ LET'S DRINK SOME HENNESSEY ♪♪
>> ONCE AGAIN, KATY PERRY.
♪♪
♪ YEAH YOU'RE STARTING TO
TRICKLE BACK IN ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T WANT TO FALL DOWN
THE RABBIT HOLE ♪
♪ CROSS MY HEART I WON'T DO IT
AGAIN ♪
♪ I TELL MYSELF, TELL MYSELF,
TELL MYSELF, DRAW THE LINE ♪
♪ AND I DO, I DO ♪♪
WITH YOU ONCE IN A WHILE I TRIP
UP AND CROSS THE LINE AND THINK
OF YOU ♪
♪ TWO YEARS AND JUST LIKE THAT
MY HEAD STILL TAKES ME BACK ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE, BUT GUESS
IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ OH, WE WERE SUCH A MESS, BUT
WASN'T IT THE BEST ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE BUT I
GUESS IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE IT'S OVER DOESN'T
MEAN IT'S REALLY OVER ♪
♪ AND IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE
YOU'LL BE COMING OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ OH JUST BECAUSE IT'S OVER
DOESN'T MEAN IT'S REALLY OVER
AND IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE
YOU'LL BE COMING OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ I GUESS I COULD TRY
HYPNOTHERAPY ♪
♪ I GOT TO REWIRE THIS BRAIN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ON THE
INTERNET WITHOUT EVEN CHECKING
YOUR NAME ♪
♪ I TELL MYSELF, TELL MYSELF,
TELL MYSELF, DRAW THE LINE ♪
♪ AND I DO I DO ♪
♪ BUT ONCE IN A WHILE I TRIP UP
AND I CROSS THE LINE AND THINK
OF YOU ♪
♪ TWO YEARS AND JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ MY HEAD STILL TAKES ME BACK ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE BUT GUESS
IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ OH WE WERE SUCH A MESS BUT
WASN'T IT THE BEST? ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE BUT I
GUESS IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE IT BUNT MEAN IT'S
REALLY OVER AND IF I THINK IT'S
OVER MAYBE YOU'LL BE COME OVER
AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE IT'S OVER DOESN'T
MEAN IT'S REALLY OVER ♪
♪ AND IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE
YOU'LL BE COMING OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ THOUGHT WE KISSED GOOD-BYE
THOUGHT WE MEANT THIS TIME ♪
♪ WAS THE LAST BUT I GUESS IT'S
NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ THOUGHT WE DREW THE LINE RIGHT
THROUGH YOU ♪
♪ AND I CAN'T KEEP GOING BACK ♪
♪ I GUESS IT'S NEVER REALLY
OVER ♪
>> OH, HI, OHIO.
>> YOU ARE TOO MUCH!
>> WELCOME BACK.
LANGDON LEE ALONGSIDE
CHERYL WORTH.
>> LOTS AHEAD IN THE 9:00 HOUR,
BUT FIRST, OUR MAN ABOUT TOWN,
SCOTT COTT, IS WITH A LOCAL
AUTHOR WHO'S WRITTEN A NEW
SELF-HELP BOOK ABOUT FINDING
HAPPINESS THROUGH
SELF-DISCOVERY.
HMM, SOUNDS INTERESTING.
>> YEAH, SURE DOES.
SCOTT'S DOWN AT A BOOK SIGNING
AT BERGMAN'S BOOKS WITH
DR. BENJAMIN BLOOM, AUTHOR OF
"BLOWING YOURSELF."
SCOTT?
>> THANKS, LANGDON.
I AM STANDING NEXT TO A MAN WHO
HOPES TO HELP MILLIONS OF FOLKS
FIND HAPPINESS THROUGH
SELF-EXPLORATION.
>> SCOTT, I HAVE TO JUMP IN.
I MISSPOKE BEFORE, DR. BLOOM'S
BOOK IS TITLED "KNOWING
YOURSELF," NOT "BLOWING
YOURSELF."
THERE WERE A LOT OF "B" WORDS IN
A ROW ON THE TELEPROMPTER AND I
GOT A LITTLE TONGUE-TIED.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, SCOTT.
>> IT HAPPENS.
NOW DR. BLOOM, TELL US ABOUT
YOUR BOOK.
>> WELL, IT'S A FEEL-GOOD BOOK.
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO LOVE
YOURSELF BY GOING DOWN DEEP AND
EMBRACING THE PART OF YOU THAT
YOU DISCOVER DOWN THERE.
>> WOW.
THAT'S A LOT TO SWALLOW.
>> SORRY.
>> YES?
>> SORRY, SCOTT.
I HAVE TO JUMP IN HERE.
WE'RE HAVING AN ISSUE WITH OUR
GRAPHICS THAT'S MAKING THIS
INTERVIEW SEEM VERY APPROPRIATE.
THE BOOK IS "KNOWING YOURSELF."
>> COME ON, GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET IT TOGETHER.
SCOTT.
>> THANKS, LANGDON.
>> I SEE YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE WITH
YOU.
>> THIS IS MY LOVELY WIFE CINDY.
>> DO YOU PRACTICE IS TECHNIQUES
IN YOUR HUSBAND'S BOOK?
>> YES, IT WAS A LITTLE HARDER
FOR ME TO GET THERE, THOUGH.
I THINK WOMEN HAVE TO REACH
DEEPER IN THEMSELVES TO FIND
HAPPINESS?
>> ABSOLUTELY. WOMEN ARE GENERALLY MORE
COMPLEX, A LOT MORE NOOKS AND
CRANNIES.
>> YOU KNOW IT CAN BE AN EMOTIONALLY
TAXING PROCESS.
IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOUR
SENSITIVE SIDE IS GOING TO TAKE
A LICKING, BUT IN THE END, TRUST
ME, IT'S SO WORTH IT.
BUY HIS BOOK.
I HAD MY NOSE BURIED IN IT FOR
HOURS.
>> I'M SURE YOU DID.
THANK YOU, CINDY.
>> DOCTOR, YOU'RE GOING TEACH ME
ONE OF YOUR BREATHING EXERCISES
HERE.
I TRIED YOGA ONCE AND I WAS
AWFUL, SO HOPEFULLY I DON'T SUCK
HERE.
>> HEY, IT'S OKAY TO SUCK.
IT'S HOW WE LEARN.
>> OKAY, GOOD.
WE'VE GOT SOME MATS HERE.
>> LET'S GET DOWN.
>> GREAT.
>> YOU CAN DO THIS IN A CHAIR AT
HOME ALSO.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY.
YOU WANT TO CENTER YOURSELF LIKE
SO.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY, BREATHE DEEPLY, REALLY
FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH LOTS --
>> NO.
FOLKS, WE ARE SO DEEPLY SORRY.
THIS LOOKS VERY BAD.
MAYBE WE GO TO SPORTS?
SPORTS, YEAH?
WANT TO GIVE PEOPLE YOUR SUPER
BOWL PREDICTIONS?
>> NO, LET'S LET THIS PLAY OUT.
>> THANK YOU FOR NOTHING, NICK.
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE WRAPPING UP.
BRING THE AUDIO BACK.
>> OH.
WOW, I HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO.
I GOT TO GET PRACTICING.
>> WELL, DON'T GO NUTS WHEN
YOU'RE JUST STARTING OUT.
THAT WOULD BE GOING TOO FAR.
>> OKAY.
>>BUT WITH TIME, I PROMISE,
YOU'LL RISE TO THE OCCASION AND
MEET YOURSELF HALFWAY.
>> YES!
WELL SAID.
AND YOU'VE CERTAINLY MADE SOME
FANS OUT OF OUR VIEWERS.
#NEVER GOING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.
GOOD STUFF.
NOW YOU'LL BE DOWN HERE ALL DAY,
CORRECT?
>> YES, I'LL BE SIGNING COPIES
OF MY BOOK.
AND AT NOON, I'LL BE
DEMONSTRATING MY TECHNIQUE LIVE.
>> OOH.
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO ATTEND, YOU
CAN MAKE A RESERVATION ONLINE AT
WWW -- ACTUALLY, THEY'RE TELLING
ME NO, YOU CAN'T.
I GUESS IT SOLD OUT IMMEDIATELY.
MR. POPULAR!
BACK TO YOU GUYS.
>> THOSE PEOPLE WHO MADE A
RESERVATION ARE GOING TO BE VERY
DISAPPOINTED.
>> ALL RIGHT, COMING UP IN
TRAFFIC, SOMETHING WANDER ON THE
I-270, AND IT'S CAUSING MAJOR
TRAFFIC.
THAT SOMETHING, A 400-POUND
WHILED BOAR
INNOTECH CASE.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR ANY
TRANSACTIONS THAT POINT TO
FUNNELING OF FUNDS INTO IMPROPER
OVERSEAS ACCOUNTS.
>> THIS IS GOING TO TAKE ALL
NIGHT.
>> I MEAN, IF WE'RE LUCKY.
>> GUYS, I'M SORRY, THERE'S
NOTHING WE CAN DO.
I DID ASK THE NEW TEMP TO ORDER
PIZZA.
>> ALL SET BOSS.
I HOPE 22 BIGGIES ARE ENOUGH.
>>SEEMS LIKE TOO MANY, JEREMIAH.
BUT I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU
ARE REENTERING THE WORKFORCE AT
YOUR AGE.
>> THANK YOU, MA'AM.
RETIREMENT WASN'T FOR ME SO I
THOUGHT, WHAT THE HECK. I DON'T KNOW.
I'M EXCITED.
>> COME ON, EVERYBODY, GRAB A
BOX.
THE CLOCK IS TICKING.
WE MAY AS WELL GET STARTED.
[ TICKING ]
>> OKAY.
WAIT.
HEY.
♪♪
>> I LIKE IT.
♪ ZAPP-IT-ZAP-ZOW ♪
>> I LIKE THAT.
♪ ZAPP-IT-ZAP-ZOW
>> OH, YEAH.
♪ ZAPP-IT-ZAP-ZOW
♪ OH YEAH ♪
>> PAP IT POW ♪
♪ IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY
JUNGLE ♪
♪ THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE JUNGLE, THE QUIET
JUNGLE ♪
♪ THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT ♪
ZBLOOMS.
>> WHY WOULD DO YOU THAT?
>> I WANTED TO JOIN IN.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BUST THROUGH
THE WINDOW, MAKE A COOL SOUND.
>> WE'RE 15 STORIES UP, MAN, YOU
COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE!
>> WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO
THROUGH ANOTHER CHAIR EVERY
EIGHT BARS.
>> IF IT SOUNDED COOL. I WANT TO HAVE...
>> HEY, WHO THREW A CHAIR OUT
THIS DAMN BUILDING?
>> I'M SORRY, SIR, OUR NEW TEMP
HAD A MISHAP.
A MISHAP?
>> THAT JUST CRASHED BY
BRAND-NEW MERCEDES S CLASS.
>> WE ARE SINGING A SONG, SIR,
MADE IT UP ON THE SPOT, THEN
SOMEONE THREW A CHAIR.
DO WE REMEMBER WHO?
WHO DID THAT?
>> YOU DID A MILLION DOLLARS
WORTH OF DAMAGE.
>> PLEASE, SIR, I KNOW THIS IS
BAD, BUT IT IS HIS FIRST DAY.
.
REMEMBER MY FIRST DAY?
I WAS SO NERVOUS I KEPT CALLING
YOU DADDY.
YOU GAVE ME A SECOND CHANCE.
>> HE'S GOT A POINT, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
>> I'M GOING REGRET THIS, BUT
I'LL SEE YOU ALL HERE TOMORROW.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE IT.
>> OKAY, JEREMIAH, YOU CAN DO THIS.
READY?
>> OH, MY GOD!
OH GUYS. IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
SHE'S OKAY.
KEEP THE CHAIR DOWN.
>>> THANKS TO KATY PERRY,
ALESSO, PEYTON MANNING,
LORNE MICH....
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE SITUATION IN UKRAINE IS
GROWING TENSER BY THE HOUR.
PUTIN HAS AMASSED OVER
100,000 TROOPS AT THE BORDER.
>> WE'RE EVEN GETTING SOME
REPORTS THAT RUSSIA HAS ALREADY
INVADED BUT THOSE ARE FROM THE
SAME PEOPLE WHO SAID TOM BRADY
RETIRED SO TAKE IT
WE THE GRAIN OF SALT.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE NATO FORCE?
ARE THEY READY TO BACK US UP?
>> EVERY COUNTRY IS SENDING
SUPPLIES TO UKRAINE EXCEPT GERMANY.
THEY'RE STAYING OUT OF IT.
>> IF GERMANY DOESN'T WANT TO GO
TO WAR, YOU KNOW IT'S BAD.
>> RUSSIA'S MILITARY MAY BE THE
WORST OF OUR PROBLEMS.
>> WE HAVE BEEN TRACKING
THE SPREAD OF RUSSIAN
DISINFORMATION, ON UKRAIN AND THERE ARE
SOME LIES UKRAINIANS DON'T KNOW
WHO TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
>> RUSSIA TRIED THAT DURING OR
LAST ELECTION, TOO, BUT IT
DIDN'T WORK.
>> WELL, 40% OF AMERICANS THINK YOU
LOST THE ELECTION, SO IT KIND OF
DID.
>>TAKE A LOOK AT THE POSTS THAT
ARE CIRCULATING ON UKRAINIAN
FACEBOOK.
"UKRAINIAN BORDER ENCROACHING ON
RUSSIAN TROOPS."
>> "RUSSIAN FORCES SURROUNDING
UKRAINE JUST TO GIVE IT BIG
HUG."
>> "UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT HORNY FOR DRAMA.
WANT WAR. SLAP ME HARDER, DADDY."
>> I'M GOING TO BREAK MY NEW
YEAR'S RESOLUTION AND SAY IT --
LORDY.
>> THEY'RE ALSO BRINGING OUR
COUNTRY INTO IT.
"AMERICAN CDC STRONGLY
RECOMMENDS RUSSIA INVADES
UKRAINE."
>> DID THE CDC REALLY RECOMMEND THAT?
>> YEAH, FOR A FEW MONTHS IN
2020.
THE SCIENCE WAS CHANGING SO FAST.
>> THERE'S ALSO THIS --
"NEIL YOUNG TO REMOVE MUSIC FROM
SPOTIFY UNLESS UKRAINE SURRENDERS."
>> AND THIS ONE IS UNBELIEVABLE.
"ARE YOU A LONELY UKRAINIAN
WOMAN IN SEARCH OF A GUY?
100,000 TROOPS ARE STANDING BY
TO TALK TO YOU AT
IT IS A GOOD IDEA FOR AWEB SIDE.
>> THEY'RE TURNING OUR MOST
BELOVED HEROES AGAINST US.
"I DON'T ALWAYS GET INVADED BUT
WHEN I DO, I PREFER RUSSIA."
>> NOT TO MENTION THIS -- "WHY I
GOT TO BE UKRAINIAN WHEN RUSSIA
TWO FEET AWAY".
NOTHING SACRED TO THEM, NOT EVEN
GUY CHECK OUT HOT GIRL.
>> IT'S NOT ONLY MEMES.
LOOK AT THIS VIDEO A RUSSIAN SPY
POSTED ON TIKTOK.
♪ ALL MY LADIES POP ♪
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
>> SIR, IT'S A VIDEO WITH 8.7 MILLION VIEWS.
>> NO, NO, I MEAN WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT DANCING?
THE CHOREOGRAPHY WASN'T EVEN CRISP.
I'VE GOT LOG IN AND FLAME THOSE
GUYS IN MY COMMENTS.
>> UNFORTUNATELY, MR. PRESIDENT,
THIS GOES BEYOND SOCIAL MEDIA.
LOOK AT THIS COMMERCIAL AIRING
ON UKRAINIAN MTV.
>> I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I'M TYPICAL UKRAINIAN TEENAGER
AND HAVE NO HOPE FOR MY FUTURE.
>> THAT'S WHY I'M THINKING OF
GOING RUSSIA.
>> RUSSIA?
YOU MEAN THE LAND OF WEALTH AND FREEDOM?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I HEAR YOU CAN GET A JOB IN
RUSSIA RIGHT AWAY, MINING
ARSENIC AND POTASH.
AND WHATEVER YOU DON'T USE FOR
FERTILIZER YOU CAN GOAT EAT.
>> BUT RUSSIA IS TOO POPULARLE
WE'LL NEVER GET IN.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT. IF ONLY RUSSIA -- COME TO US.
>> STUDENTS FOR THE RUSSIAN
NATION OF UKRAINE.
>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
NOW, WHICH ONE OF THOSE TWO WAS
ZENDAYA?
>> SIR, THESE PRO RUSSIA
COMMERCIALS ARE SATURATING
UKRAINIAN TELEVISION.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS ONE.
>> OH, NO, I AM AMERICAN
BALLPLAYER AARON RODGERS, AND MY
CAR HAS BROKEN DOWN IN UKRAINE.
ONLY ONE THING DO.
LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, RUSSIA IS THERE.
HELLO TO YOU, AARON RODGERS. NEED SOME HELP.
>> JAKE FROM RUSSIA.
CAN YOU GET ME OUT OF UKRAINE?
>> OF COURSE. WILL I TAKE TO YOU MEET OUR
PRESIDENT.
HE WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR SUPER
BOWL RING AND MAYBE HOLD IT FOR
A WHILE?
♪ ♪
>> LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, YOU ARE
IN RUSSIA.
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> YOU'RE TELLING ME UKRAINIANS
ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT'S
THE REAL AARON ROGERS?
>> APPARENTLY THAT IS THE REAL
AARON RODGERS.
I GUESS HE LEFT TO PACKERS TO
PLAY IN RUSSIA.
>> WHAT CAN WE DO TO FIGHT BACK
AGAINST ALL THIS PROPAGANDA?
>> WELL, WE HAVE TO FIGHT FIRE
WITH FIRE.
THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO OUR NEW SECRETARY OF
DEFENSE, MAKAYLA.
>> HI. I'M MAKAYLA, SPELLED THE WORST
WAY. I'M A JUNIOR AT A VICIOUS GIRLS
HIGH SCHOOL, AND Y'ALL WORK FOR
ME NOW.
>> HOLD ON. THE CIA MUST HAVE OPERATIVES ON
SOCIAL MEDIA ALREADY.
>> OH, THEY DO, AND IT'S ROUGH.
LOOK AT WHAT YOUR AGENTS MADE.
"I LIKE DEMOCRACY.
THEN DON'T SIDE WITH ME I'M RUSSIA"?
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> LITERALLY FACT. I KNOW.
THE ONLY THING MORE PATHETIC WAS
THEIR ATTEMPT AT TIKTOK.
♪ ♪
♪ WHEN I POPPED OFF
THEN YOUR GIRL GAVE ME
JUST A LITTLE BIT OF A ♪
>> WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE IF RUSSIA
INVADES IT WOULD TURN OLD
UKRAINIAN WOMEN INTO SEXY
NURSES.
>> LET'S DO SOMETHING FUN
EVERYONE CAN GET BY, LIKE A
DRONE STRIKE.
>> I THINK YOUR GENERATION CAN
LEARN A LOT FROM MINE.
LIKE, WE DON'T BELIEVE IN DRONE STRIKES.
WE BELIEVE IN BREAKING DOWN OUR
ENEMIES PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO DM PUTIN
AND SAY, OH, MY GOD, I LOVED
YOUR OUTFIT THE OTHER DAY.
WAS THAT OLD NAVY?
ALREADY HE'S SPIRALING.
HE'S LIKE, "DO THEY THINK I'M POOR?"
IN THREE WEEKS, I WILL HAVE HIM
...LOST HIS MIND.
>> HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE?
>> DOES THE NAME GIULIANI RING A
BELL
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
♪SATURDAY NIGHT ALIVE♪
Season 47 Episode 12
Episode Title: "Willem Dafoe / Katy Perry"
Aired on: January 29, 2022.
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"! WITH --
♪♪
FEATURING --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST, KATY PERRY.
AND YOUR HOST, WILLEM DAFOE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
WILLEM DAFOE.
♪♪
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HOME IN
NEW YORK.
THIS IS WHERE I STARTED.
I MOVED HERE WHEN I WAS 21.
HAD NO MONEY AND RENTED AN
APARTMENT ON 10th AND AVENUE
A FOR 200 BUCKS A MONTH.
THAT'S WHERE I LEARNED HOW TO
ACT.
FOR EXAMPLE, I HAD TO ACT LIKE
I ENJOYED HAVING A BATHTUB IN MY
KITCHEN.
I GOT STARTED IN EXPERIMENTAL
THEATER.
I WAS AN ORIGINAL MEMBER OF THE
WOOSTER GROUP.
AND THAT BACKGROUND REALLY
TAUGHT ME HOW TO THROW MYSELF
INTO A ROLE.
SOME PEOPLE TELL ME THAT MY
ACTING IS OVER THE TOP, BUT TO
ME, ONE MAN'S OVER THE TOP IS
ANOTHER MAN'S ENGAGED
PERFORMANCE.
FOR INSTANCE, IN THIS SCENE,
PEOPLE ASSUME I'M ABOUT TO TOSS
SOMEBODY OFF A BUILDING.
WHEN IN REALITY, I WAS JUST
READING A REALLY GOOD BOOK.
LOOK, I CAN'T HELP THAT I HAVE
AN EXPRESSIVE FACE.
I CAN'T CONTROL IT.
I DON'T THINK ABOUT CONTROLLING
IT.
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE SUBTLE
ACTORS, LIKE NICOLAS CAGE OR
AL PACINO.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY PEOPLE COME UP
TO ME AND SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT
ROLE YOU'D BE PERFECT FOR?
THE JOKER."
ALWAYS NICE TO HEAR THAT YOU GOT
THE VIBE OF A SOCIOPATH.
LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING OUT IN THIS
SNOWSTORM.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID IN
APPLETON, WISCONSIN, WINTERS
WERE --
>> EXCUSE ME.
DID SOMEONE SAY APPLETON,
WISCONSIN?
>> YEAH, I DID.
>> WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO
BELIEVE THIS, BUT WE'RE FROM
APPLETON, TOO.
>> YEP.
BORN AND RAISED.
>> THAT'S NICE.
YOU CAME HERE TO SUPPORT ONE OF
YOUR OWN.
>> NO.
NO.
WE GOT TICKETS FROM THE LOTTERY.
>> YEAH.
HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE HOSTIN,
BUT WE'RE HUGE FANS.
I MEAN, WE'VE SEEN ALL OF YOUR
"SPIDER-MAN" MOVIES.
"SPIDER-MAN."
"SPIDER-MAN 2."
"SPIDER-MAN" THE NEW ONE.
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE DONE OTHER FILMS.
>> OH, YEAH, WE KNOW.
WE KNOW.
WE LOVED YOU IN "FULL METAL
JACKET."
>> I ACTUALLY WASN'T IN THAT
ONE.
MAYBE YOU'RE THINKING OF
"PLATOON."
>> NO, NO.
>> AND YOU WERE GREAT IN "THE
PASSION OF THE CHRIST."
>> I WASN'T IN THAT ONE, EITHER.
I WAS IN "LAST TEMPTATION OF
CHRIST."
>> OH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT "SPEED 2
CRUISE CONTROL"?
>> THAT WAS YOU IN "SPEED 2,"
RIGHT?
>> THAT WAS ME.
>> WELL, APPLETON IS JUST SO
PROUD OF YOU.
I MEAN, YOU'RE OUT THERE MAKING
MOVIES WITH BIG HOLLYWOOD STARS
LIKE TIMOTHY CHALAMET AND SHREK.
>> WE JUST WISH YOU STILL HAD
YOUR WISCONSIN ACCENT.
>> WELL, I CAN STILL SPEAK
WISCONSIN.
>> OH, WELL, CAN YOU DO IT FOR US?
>> YEAH, I BET EVERYONE BACK
HOME WOULD JUST FLIP IF YOU DID
A REAL WISCONSIN ACCENT ON TV.
>> OKAY, SURE.
HEY, YOU GUYS, LET'S GO DOWN TO
CRAMBOS AND GET A DRINK FROM THE
BUBBLER.
>> OH, YOU STILL GOT IT!
>> YEAH!
HEY.
HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD
PLAY THE JOKER?
>> WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
KATY PERRY IS HERE.
SO STICK AROUND.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OKAY. EVERYONE.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST TENANTS
ASSOCIATION MEETING OF 2022.
I KNOW WE USUALLY HAVE COFFEE
AND MUNCHKINS AT THIS MEETING
BUT I FORGOT TO PICK THEM UP.
>> THEN WHY AM I EVEN HERE?
SHAME ON YOU!
>> WOW, SHEILA.
OKAY, WE'LL NOW HERE TENANT
COMPLAINTS AND CONCERNS, BUT
REMEMBER WE'RE ALL NEIGHBORS IN
THIS BUILDING SO LET'S PLEASE
KEEP IT CIVIL.
YES, MISS D'ALESSIO FROM UNIT 7E.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
YOU RAISED MY MAINTENANCE FEE UP
$12 THIS MONTH!
>> WELL, WE HAD TO FIX A LEAK IN THE ROOF.
>> WELL, THIS JUST IN, I DON'T
LIVE ON THE ROOF SO I'M NOT
PAYING IT!
>> WE'RE JUST GOING TO SEND YOU
ANOTHER BILL.
NEXT, MISS QUINCY FROM 2F.
>> HELLO.
I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY ASK THE
BOARD PERMISSION'S TO KILL MY
NEIGHBOR'S LOUD, STUPID, YAPPY
DOG.
>> OBVIOUSLY, PERMISSION IS DENIED.
>> BITCH, DON'T NEED IT.
I WAS ASKING AS A COURTESY.
>> MISS QUINCY, NO.
MISS WILSON?
>> I AM LIVID RIGHT NOW.
THE LAUNDRY MACHINES IN THIS
BUILDING ARE A DISGRACE.
I WASH MY 13-YEAR-OLD SON'S
SOCKS EVERY WEEK.
BUT A DAY LATER, TADA, THEY TURN
HARD AS A ROCK.
HEAR THAT?
HEAR THAT?
I WILL GO TO THE NEWS WITH THIS
IF THE MACHINES ARE NOT FIXED.
THANK YOU AND GOOD-BYE.
>> YIKES.
OKAY, LOOKS LIKE OUR DOORMAN,
JaMARCUS, WANTS TO SAY
SOMETHING.
>> HEY, FOLKS, HEY.
THIS IS FOR ALL OF THE WHITE TENANTS.
NOT ALL OF YOU BUT A LOT OF YOU.
I'M NOT SURE HOW IT STARTED,
BUT MANY OF YOU BELIEVE MY NAME
IS JaMARCUS, IT IS NOT.
MY NAME IS ROBERT.
I LET IT SLIDE AT FIRST, BUT
IT SEEMS TO BE CATCHING ON AND I
WANT TO NIP IT IN THE BUD.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JaMARCUS.
>> NEXT, KEVIN AND CLARK FROM
8C.
>> YES, I HAVE A QUESTION.
♪ WHEN IS THE BUILDING TALENT SHOW?
♪ TUESDAY ♪
♪ WHAT TIME DOES IT START I HAVE TO KNOW ♪
♪ MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ IS THERE FOOD ♪
♪ NO ♪
♪ ARE THERE DRINKS?♪
♪ NO ♪
♪ WHO'S PERFORMING?♪
♪ JUST US IS FAR ♪
♪ SO SIGN UP TODAY ♪
>> YOU WERE OFF-KEY.
YOU RUINED IT.
WHAT?
>>YOU WERE OFF-KEY.
WHAT? WAIT...
WELL, THAT SHOULD BE FUN.
OKAY, NEXT?
>> HEY.
FOR ALL YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME,
I'M JED FILLMOORE.
I BOUGHT THE TOP THREE FLOORS OF
THIS BUILDING IN 1971 FOR $11
AND IT'S BEEN A PAIN IN THE ASS
EVER SINCE.
MY QUESTION IS, WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO THIS CITY?
WHERE'S THE DANGER, MAN?
WHERE'S THE ART?
BACK IN MY DAY, IT WAS ALL PIMPS
AND WHORES, JUNKIES AND PERVERTS
ALL OVER TIMES SQUARE, MAN.
IT WAS GREAT.
YOU GO TO CBGB'S AND IGGY POP
WOULD PUKE ON YOUR FACE AND WE
LIKED IT!
WHERE DID THAT CITY GO, MAN?
>> NO IDEA.
AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION?
>> I DON'T HAVE ONE.
I JUST WANTED TO BE A PAIN IN
THE ASS.
>> OKAY.
WELL, THANK YOU MR. FILLMORE.
YES, NEXT?
>> HI.
I JUST MOVED IN.
I'M NEW, I'M LOVING IT.
I'M IN 5F, THE 300-SQUARE-FOOT
STUDIO WITH NO TOILET AND NO
WINDOWS.
MY QUESTION IS, WHEN IS MY
$6,000 RENT DUE?
>> ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH, AND
WELCOME TO THE BUILDING.
NEXT, MR. MILOS.
>> YES.
GOOGLE TRANSLATE.
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> Translator: I NEED TO MILK
FAUCET SO MAKE DESTRUCTION.
>> MR. MILOS, I'M SORRY, WE
DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.
>> YES.
I START?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> NO, NO, WAIT, HE'S GOING TAKE
DOWN ANOTHER WALL.
OKAY, I SEE OUR BILLING SUPER IS
HERE WITH AN UPDATE ON THE
RODENT SITUATION.
HOW IS THE RAT PROBLEM?
>> BAD.
>> OKAY.
THANK YOU, TOMMY.
AND NEXT -- SORRY
REMIND ME OF YOUR NAME AGAIN.
>> JAN KRANG. J-A-N K-RANG.
UNIT 9A, "A" AS IN ANNA DE LA ARMAS.
AND I MOVE THAT WE BAN ALL TEENS
FROM THE BUILDING.
THEY GATHER OUTSIDE MY
APARTMENT TO HUFF WHITE CLAWS
AND DO 69ers.
>> MISS KRANG, WE CAN'T BAN
TEENS FROM THE BUILDING, SO
PLEASE GIVE IT UP.
YES, MR. YOUNG?
>> WHEN WILL VERIZON INSTALL THE
FRIGGIN' FIOS?
IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS.
>> THEY SAID THEY'RE WORKING ON
IT, SIR.
YES?
HELLO, BOYS.
NEXT.
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> WE'RE NYU STUDENTS SUBLETTING 11F.
>> I'M JEREMY.
>> I'M CONNER.
>> WHAT'S GOOD?
>> ONE OF US MIGHT HAVE MAYBE
DROPPED A SMALL BAGGY OF BAKING
SODA IN THE ELEVATOR.
UH, IF YOU COME ACROSS IT,
PLEASE, PLEASE RETURN TO IT 11F.
>> IF IT'S WHAT I THINK IT IS,
IT'S GOING STRAIGHT IN THE
TRASH.
>> DOUCHE.
>> MOVING ON TO STANDING
COMPLAINTS.
MR. CARSON, THE FEMALE
LOVEMAKING SCREAMS ARE STILL
COMING FROM 5C EVERY NIGHT.
>> OOPS.
>> WELL, CAN YOU PLEASE ASK YOUR
GUESTS TO KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN?
>> HEY, MAN, I ASK MY FEMALE
GUESTS TO SHUSH IT.
BUT SEEMS IT'S TOO GOOD.
>> I HAD TO ASK.
OKAY, MOVING ON -- OH, NO.
MRS. BOWMAN IS THIS ABOUT THE
BUILDING'S PET POLICY?
>> NO.
>> ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD.
>> WHY THE LIMIT ON CATS PER
UNIT MUST BE RAISED FROM 3 TO 75.
PART ONE --
>> OKAY, NO, NO.
MEETING ADJOURNED.
>> THANK YOU ALL.
PLEASE PICK UP ANY TRASH ON YOUR
WAY OUT.
MAKE THE CLEANUP A LITTLE EASIER
FOR JaMARCUS.
>> PLEASE, GUYS, IT'S ROBERT!
LONG DAY LATE NIGHT
AND I WANT TO HIT THE SHOWER
LAY MY BODY DOWN ON THE BED
BRUSH MY AIR OVER SPOTIFY ♪
♪ LISTEN FOR THE SOUND THEN I
CLOSE MY EYES ♪
♪ SLEEPING LIKE A BABY,
♪ THEN I HEAR A LOUD-ASS APP ♪
>> DOOR DASH DELIVERS STILL --
RIGHT TO OUR --
♪ NOW UP UP UP UP UP
BEING PAID FOR THE AD
UP UP UP UP
DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND THE CASH ♪
SO I PLAYED ON THE ASS
♪ UP UP UP
♪ THAT'S THE REASON THAT I'M UP
♪ SNUGGLE UP TO MY GIRL NICE AND COZY ♪
♪ DREAMING ABOUT HER
♪ AS SHE IS DREAMING ALL ABOUT ME
I ROLL OVER TO ♪
♪ THE BACK OF MY NECK
AND I FEEL A LITTLE LUMP
NOW I'M UP UP UP UP UP
I'M ON WEBMD ♪
♪ UP UP UP UP
AND I'M TRYING TO
GET A PIC
UP UP UP UP ♪
♪ BUT THEY'RE COMING
OUT BLURRY ♪
♪ 2:00 A.M. AND I'M UP ♪
♪ AND I'M UP BACK TO ME
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
SOME SHUT-EYE ♪
♪ PULL THE SHEETS AND
THE PILLOW TO THE CORNER
AND I PULL THE SHEETS
AND I CUDDLE TO THE CORNER ♪
♪ THEN I HAVE A FULL
BODY SPASM ♪
♪ NOW I'M UP UP UP UP UP UP
NOW I'M UP ♪
♪ IN THE SHEETS WITH
THE WIFE AND I'M DREAMING
THEN SHE KICKS ME
WITH HER SHARP-ASS TOENAIL ♪
♪ I'M ALSO UP UP UP UP UP IT'S 3:53 ♪
♪ UP UP UP UP
SO I PUT ON MTV UP UP UP TO SEE
THE ONLY THING THAT'S ON ♪
>> AND THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT
ABOUT THE SAMURAI AIR FRYER.
YOU WANT BUFFALO WINGS?
>> OH, I LOVE WINGS.
>> WINGS!
>> STOP IT.
AMAZING.
>> HOW ABOUT A PERFECT OMELET?
>> NO, THIS THING CANNOT MAKE
EGGS.
>> IT CAN. AND IT DOES.
AND ALSO, YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO
FALL BACK TO SLEEP.
>> NO, YOU WON'T.
>> AND EVEN IF YOU DO, SOMETHING
ELSE IS GOING TO GET YOU.
>> TELL 'EM WHAT'S GOING TO WAKE
THEM UP LATER.
>> I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.
♪ A MOTORCYCLE WAKES YOU UP
UP UP UP UP
♪ YOU HAVE TO TAKE A PEE
UP UP UP UP ♪
♪ THEN YOU HAVE
TO PEE AGAIN
UP UP UP UP ♪
♪ OR YOUR CAT IS ON YOUR FACE
UP UP UP UP
SO MANY REASONS ♪
♪ STILL YOU'RE UP
AND JUST WHEN YOU'RE
ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP
YOU WAKE UP IN A COLD SWEAT
♪ BECAUSE YOU REMEMBERED
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING YOU DID
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL ♪
♪ BUT I HEAR MY CHANCE
GOT MY MASK ON
NO LIGHT NO SOUND
TURN THE MAC ON ♪
♪ EAR PLUGS
I'MA SING GETTING EASY
HERE'S HAVING TO GET ♪
♪ MY LIMBS THIN AND I'M LAZY
BUT THE SLIP IN THE SLEEPING LANE
THEN I REMEMBER SOMETHING ♪
♪ THEN I'M GOING TO STAY
NOW I'M UP UP UP UP UP UP UP
NOW I'M UP ♪
THE BEDMINSTER DOG SHOW.
>> HELLO, I'M JUDAS CHRYSLER.
>> AND I'M MIRIAM JEAN.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE US, SOME OF
THEM BY KIDS.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
THIS SHOW CELEBRATES THOSE
CANINE FREAKS WHO PREVENT OWNERS
FROM HAVING COMPANY OR INTIMACY.
>> TODAY IS FOR THEM.
>> HERE COME OUR JUDGES,
JANE BOSWORTH AND
MICKEY BOSWORTH.
>> THEY RUN A DESERT-BASED DOG
RANCH THAT'S EITHER AN ANIMAL
RESCUE OR A HOARDING SITUATION.
>> THE DOGS KNOW NOT TO MESS
WITH THEM, AND, FRANKLY, NEITHER
WOULD I.
AND HERE'S OUR FIRST COMPETITOR.
FROM THE SHAKING GROUP, IT'S
LUNA.
>> NOW, LUNA HATES THE SOUND "BEEP."
AND IF SHE HEARS IT, SHE WILL
TRY AND CLIMB UP TO YOUR HAIR.
FOR HER, THE FOURTH OF JULY IS A
WAR, AND THE ONLY SAFE SPACE IS
BEHIND THE TOILET.
>> LUNA IS ALSO SCARED OF
PLASTIC BAGS, MEN IN HATS,
PINEAPPLES, BALLOONS,
THE NETFLIX START-UP SOUND,
HER OWNERS BEING IN TWO SEPARATE
ROOMS, AND -- THIS IS
EMBARRASSING -- THE SOUND OF
SPOKEN SPANISH.
>> SHE ALSO HAS WHAT THE VET
CALLS "TANGY VAGAINY."
>> A VET SAID THAT?
>> YEAH, SHE DID. LET'S GO TO THE JUDGES.
>> TELL US ABOUT LUNA.
>> IF HER FAVORITE BLANKET IS
NOT FLUFFED CORRECTLY, SHE WILL
CRY REAL TEARS UNTIL I FIX IT.
IF MY BOYFRIEND COMES HOME AND
NEAR SITTING ME ON THE COUCH,
SHE WILL SCREAM UNTIL HE LEAVES.
MY LIFE IS HELL AND I MISS MY
FRIENDS.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
>> YEAH, TAKE HER ROUND?
>> UH-HUH.
>> NO, NO.
>> DON'T CLAP.
>> IF THESE DOGS HEAR ANY SOUND,
THEY WILL KILL.
>> PLEASE DO NOT CLAP.
>> A REMINDER FROM THE JUDGES
NOT TO CLAP.
>> NEXT FROM THE MEAN GROUP,
IT'S PIGEON.
>> PIGEON IS A SEXUAL PREDATOR
WHO HAS BEEN BANNED FROM EVERY
DOG PARK IN THE STATE OF
MARYLAND.
>> THE VET CALLED HIM "NOT
WELCOME HERE" AND THE GROOMER
CALLED HIM "MANIPULATIVE."
>> PIGEON ONCE TRIPPED AN OLD
LADY ON PURPOSE.
>> HIS OWNER SAID, QUOTE, IT
LOOKED LIKE AN ACCIDENT BUT I
SWEAR TO GOD, I SAW HIM LAUGH.
LET'S CHECK IN WITH THE JUDGES.
>> WELL, WHAT IS PIGEON'S DAILY
ROUTINE?
>> HE WAKES ME UP AT 5:00 A.M.
BY BITING MY FEET.
THEN, HE GOES IN THE HAMPER,
GRABS MY GIRLFRIEND'S UNDERWEAR,
DRAGS IT UNDER THE DINING ROOM
TABLE AND BARKS AGGRESSIVELY.
>> I SEE.
AND WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS
MONSTER?
>> OH, WELL, WHEN WE FIRST GOT
HIM, HE WAS SO QUIET.
TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST
TRAUMATIZED.
THIS IS BAD TO SAY, BUT I MISS
THAT VERSION OF HIM.
>> THANK YOU.
>> WOW.
NOW, JUDAS, IT SAYS HERE THAT
YOU AND I ARE MARRIED.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
>> THAT IS RIGHT.
AND NOW WE DO THIS.
>> YES!
WELL, FROM THE NONWALKING GROUP,
IT'S BLUEBERRY.
>> SORRY. BLUEBERRY, COME ON.
BLUEBERRY, PLEASE.
BLUEBERRY, I'M NOT PICKING YOU
UP.
BLUEBERRY, WE FLEW HERE.
BLUEBERRY, YOU GROUNDED A
FLIGHT.
>> BLUEBERRY ONCE SLID ON A TILE
FLOOR, AND IT PERMANENTLY MADE
HIM INSANE.
>> YES.
HE WILL ONLY POOP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE STREET AND HE IS
MEDICALLY UNABLE TO BE IN A CAR.
>> AND TO BE CLEAR, BLUEBERRY
CAN WALK, HE JUST CHOOSES NOT
TO.
>> AMAZING.
TRULY POINTLESS.
>> AND LASTLY, FROM THE MEDICAL
GROUP, IT'S GIZMO.
>> NOW, GIZMO HAS BAD FEET, BAD
SKIN, BAD TEETH, BAD ANAL
GLANDS, AND A BAD BRAIN.
THE TOTAL PACKAGE.
>> HE'S ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING
THAT IS OR ISN'T DUCK.
JUDGES SQUINTING AT SOMETHING ON
HIS TUMMY.
>> CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT HIS
WEIRD LITTLE PENIS?
>> YES.
HIS WEIRD LITTLE DOG PENIS IS
TOO BIG FOR HIS FRAME, SO WHEN
HE BENDS DOWN A CERTAIN WAY, IT
GETS STUCK OUTSIDE HIS BODY FOR
HOURS AND IT DRIES OUT SO IT
WON'T GO BACK IN.
AND IT HAS TO BE LUBRICATED AND
REINSERTED BY A VETERINARIAN
SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK.
I HATE SAYING THAT, AND I SAY IT
A LOT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> WELL.
>> LOOKS LIKE THE JUDGES ARE
ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER.
LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO THANK OUR
SPONSOR THUNDER SHIRT.
>> THUNDER SHIRT.
SQUEEZE YOUR STUPID DOG WITH
THUNDER SHIRT.
>> THE WINNER WILL TAKE HOME THE
GOLDEN BATHROOM TRASH ALONG WITH
A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BUFFALO
CHICKEN BONES FROM THE SIDEWALK.
>> YES.
AND THE WINNER IS GIZMO.
>> OH, NO.
GIZMO, DON'T GET EXCITED.
WE JUST PUT IT BACK IN.
GIZMO.
OH.
>> HEY, IF YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT.
>> YEAH.
CUT AWAY.
GOOD NIGHT.
WOW!
FRANK THOMAS?
>> THAT'S ME. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> I'M MARK. I'M A HUGE FAN.
>> HEY, I GET THAT A LOT.
>> WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER
YOU, BUT YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> AT MY AGE, I TRY TO STAY IN
THE GYM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
>> I HEAR YOU.
BUT ONCE I TURNED 40 --
>> LET ME GUESS, LESS ENERGY?
PUT ON A FEW POUNDS?
>> YOU SAID IT.
>> LOWER DRIVE?
CAN'T GET HARD ANYMORE?
>> WELL, LOWER DRIVE.
>> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN.
TESTOSTERONE LEVELS DROP AS YOU
AGE.
THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T GET HARD
ANYMORE.
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
HOLY CRAP, DOUG FLUTIE?
>> YES.
>> MARK HERE JUST TURNED 40.
>> AH, LET ME GUESS, CAN'T GET
HARD ANYMORE, HUH?
>> BINGO.
>> NO, I NEVER SAID THAT.
>> IT'S OKAY.
IT HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN.
>> I CAN STILL GET HARD.
>> SURE YOU CAN, MARK.
YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE BOOST.
WE ALL DO, TO GET HARD.
>> NO, SERIOUSLY, GUYS.
I'M ACTUALLY FINE DOWN THERE.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO US,
MARK.
IT'S OKAY.
SEE, AS YOU GET OLDER --
>>TESTOSTERONE LEVELS DROP.
>> YEAH, I KNOW.
HE ALREADY SAID IT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING
ABOUT?
>> OH, MY GOD. SIR WILLEM DAFOE.
>> SIR WILLEM?
I'M NOT EVEN BRITISH.
>> OH.
WHY DID I THINK YOU WERE
BRITISH?
>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
>> THIS IS MARK.
HE CAME UP TO US AND TOLD US HE
COULDN'T GET HARD ANYMORE.
>> STOP SAYING THAT.
>> LET ME GUESS, YOU JUST TURNED
THE BIG 3-0.
>> 30?
>> IT HAPPENS TO EVERY MAN,
ESPECIALLY ME.
>> I'M SORRY, HOW DO YOU GUYS
ALL KNOW EACH OTHER?
>> FROM BONER STUFF.
MET AT A MEETING.
>> YEAH, WE ALL HAVE THE SAME
PROBLEM AS YOU.
>> OKAY, I WANT TO SAY AGAIN,
FOR THE RECORD, I CAN STILL GET
VERY HARD.
>> DAMN RIGHT YOU CAN.
NOW WITH NUGENIX.
>> NUGENIX?
WHAT'S NUGENIX?
>> OH, SO NOW YOU'RE INTERESTED,
HUH?
>> LOOK AT HIM, HE'S ALL EARS
NOW.
>> NO, I WAS JUST ASKING
BECAUSE --
>> AT FIRST HE WAS LIKE, NO WAY,
I CAN GET HARD ALL THE TIME.
>> RIGHT?
AND NOW, HE'S LIKE, "HMM,
WHAT'S NUGENIX?"
>> HE WANTS IT.
>> THAT'S YOU.
>> IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU GUYS.
>> HONEY, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
>> WE'RE TRYING TO HELP YOUR
HUSBAND GET HARD AGAIN.
>> WHAT?
OH MY GOD, AREN'T YOU --
>> SIR WILLEM DAFOE.
THE PLEASURE'S ALL MINE, M'LADY.
>> OOH, CHARMER.
YOU'RE EVEN MORE HANDSOME IN
PERSON.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
>> THAT'S NUGENIX.
>> WHAT?
>> THAT SOUND.
IT'S ME GETTING HARD.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT?
>> SEE, WHEN A MAN REACHES A
CERTAIN AGE, HE CAN NEVER GET
HARD AGAIN.
>> UNTIL NOW, WITH NUGENIX.
>> OH, AND THERE'S MINE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
IT'S SO LOUD.
>> GREAT, NOW I'M GETTING HARD,
TOO.
>> SO NUGENIX IS A MACHINE?
>> OH, SO NOW HE'S INTERESTED.
>> OH.
>> OW!
>> ARE YOU OKAY?
>> IT'S FINE.
IT'S JUST YOUR PERFUME SMELLS
LOVELY, M'LADY.
>> BABE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
>> OH!
>> OW!
>> I LOVE THIS!
>> NUGENIX, TESTOSTERONE
BOOSTING MALE ENHANCEMENT.
TRY IT FOR FREE.
OH, NOW YOU'RE INTERESTED.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KATY PERRY.
♪ WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT IT WON'T BE FOR LONG ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE
FEEL LIKE ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY,
EASY TO FORGET ME
LET GO OF THE MEMORIES ♪
♪ NOW YOUR BED IS EMPTY
YOU'RE WAKING UP SWEATING ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M STILL IN YOUR
WILD DREAMS ♪
♪ LATE NIGHTS CALLIN' ME
CALLIN' ME ♪
♪ DO ANYTHING TO KEEP ME CLOSE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW
IT'S GONNA BE GONNA BE ♪
♪ SO HARD FOR YOU O LET ME GO ♪
♪ WHEN I'M GONE I'M NEVER REALLY
GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT IT WON'T BE FOR LONG ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE ♪
♪ ME ON TOP OF YOU
TOUCH YOU LIKE I DO ♪
♪ NO, YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ♪
♪ WHEN I'M GONE I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
BUT NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE ♪
♪ YOU'RE CHASING THE DANGER
IT'S JUST IN YOUR NATURE ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME IN STRANGERS
ALL THESE PRETTY FACES ♪
♪ NO ONE CAN REPLACE IT
I'M ALWAYS YOUR FAVORITE ♪
♪ LATE NIGHTS CALLIN' ME,
CALLIN' ME ♪
♪ DO ANYTHING TO KEEP ME CLOSE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW IT'S
GONNA BE GONNA BE ♪
♪ SO HARD FOR YOU
TO LET ME GO
♪ WHEN I'M GONE I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON BUT
IT WON'T BE FOR LONG ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE WHEN I'M GONE
I'M NEVER REALLY GONE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE MOVING ON
NEVER REALLY GONE
BUT NO ONE'S ♪
♪ GONNA FEEL LIKE NO ONE'S GONNA FEEL LIKE
ME ♪
OOH ♪
♪ LIKE ME ♪
♪♪
|
♪♪
|
♪ WHEN I'M GONE ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE."
WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
>> GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING EVERY ONE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> WELL, THE STOCK MARKET
IS PLUMMETING AND IT LOOKS LIKE
THERE'S A THREAT OF LAND WAR IN
EUROPE, SO IT LOOKS LIKE
DEMOCRATS WERE RIGHT --
JOE BIDEN IS THE NEXT FDR.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS WORKING TO
PREVENT A WAR BETWEEN RUSSIA AND
UKRAINE, AND HE SAID A VIDEO
CALL BETWEEN EUROPEAN ALLIES
WENT, "VERY, VERY, VERY WELL."
YEAH, IT'S THE THIRD "VERY" THAT
WORRIES ME.
YOU ONLY SAY THAT WHEN YOU'RE
TRYING TO COVER FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S GOING REALLY BADLY.
IT'S LIKE IF MATT GAETZ SAYS
THAT GIRL WAS VERY, VERY, VERY
OVER 18.
UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS ARE SAYING
THE REPEATED WARNINGS OF
INVASION ARE CAUSE FOR PANIC AND
PANIC IS THE SISTER OF FAILURE,
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT LORNE SAID
TO GET US TO DO THIS SHOW DURING
A BLIZZARD.
ALSO AM I WRONG?
I THOUGHT I VAN KA WAS THE
SISTER OF FAILURE.
>>> SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
STEPHEN BREYER ANNOUNCED THAT HE
WILL RETIRE IN JUNE.
WE THANK JUSTICE BREYER FOR
YEARS OF UPHOLDING THE RIGHTS OF
EVERY AMERICAN, SAID LIBERALS
WHO HAVE BEEN TWEETING, "RETIRE,
BITCH," FOR A FULL YEAR.
I SYMPATHIZE WITH BREYER BECAUSE
I GET THOSE VERY SAME TWEETS
EVERY SATURDAY AROUND THIS TIME.
>>> PRESIDENT BIDEN PROMISED TO
NOMINATE THE FIRST BLACK WOMAN
TO THE SUPREME COURT.
BUT I HOPE IT'S NOT BECAUSE
HE WANTS TO SNIFF A NEW TYPE OF
HAIR.
>>> SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL,
SEEN HERE LEARNING BETTY WHITE
HAD DIED, WARNED PRESIDENT BIDEN
NOT TO OUTSOURCE HIS CHOICE FOR
THE SUPREME COURT TO THE, QUOTE,
RADICAL LEFT.
COINCIDENTALLY, A RADICAL LEFT
IS ALSO WHAT McDONNELL TAKES TO
PURPOSELY RUN OVER STRAY DOGS.
>>> VIRGINIA GOVERNOR
GLENN YOUNGKIN HAS SET UP A
HOTLINE FOR PARENTS TO REPORT
SCHOOLS THEY BELIEVE ARE
TEACHING CRITICAL RACE THEORY.
DAMN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE RACIST
WHEN YOU CALL THE COPS ABOUT A
BLACK CHARACTER IN A BOOK.
"YEAH, HI, I'D LIKE TO REPORT A
SUSPICIOUS BLACK MAN RAFTING
WITH A YOUNG, WHITE HOSTAGE."
>>> PRESIDENT BIDEN ON FRIDAY
TRAVELLED TO PITTSBURGH AND
PROMISED TO REBUILD A COLLAPSED
BRIDGE USING FUNDS FROM HIS
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL, WHILE THE
REPUBLICANS FEEL THE BRIDGE
SHOULD JUST LIFT ITSELF UP BY
ITS BOOTSTRAPS.
>>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT LAST
YEAR, THE U.S. ECONOMY GREW AT
ITS FASTEST RATE SINCE
RONALD REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT.
BIDEN HAS EVEN STARTED USING
REAGAN'S OLD CATCH PHASE,
"WHERE AM I?"
>>> THREE ITEMS PUT UP FOR
AUCTION BY MELANIA TRUMP FAILED
TO REACH THE OPENING BID OF
$250,000.
BUT MELANIA IS NO STRANGER TO
FINDING OUT SOMETHING ISN'T
WORTH AS MUCH AS SHE THOUGHT.
>>> TRACKING CONSUMER DATA HAS
NEVER BEEN MORE DIFFICULT, WHICH
MAKES PURCHASING TRENDS EVEN
HARDER TO PREDICT.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT ARE TWO
TREND FORECASTERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, MICHAEL.
>> GOOD EVENING.
>>HOW DO YOU GUYS PREDICT
TODAY'S MOST POPULAR TRENDS?
>> WELL, WE HAVE 4,000
COMPUTERS.
THEY'RE ALL BIG, THEY ALL MAKE
CHARTS AND THEY BEEP LOUD.
>> THE NUMBERS ARE IN.
AND THE TRENDS OF TODAY HAVE
BEEN CAST.
HERE IS --
>> Both: THE REPORT.
>> OUR FIRST CATEGORY IS --
>> Both: FASHION TRENDS.
>> IN, SHIRT TOO BIG FOR BODY.
>> IN, HAT TOO SMALL FOR HEAD.
>> IN, MALE CLEAVAGE.
>> AND OUT --
>> Both: SHINY SHOE.
>> SHINY SHOE, YOU'RE OUT.
SO GO BACK TO HELL.
>> STOP FLAUNTING YOUR WEALTH,
SHINY SHOE.
>> WE'RE FIGHTING A VIRUS.
>> IF I SEE YOU IN THE STREET,
I'LL STAB YOU IN THE FACE.
>> GO TO BED, BITCH.
>> DAMN, SEEMS LIKE YOU GUYS
HATE SHINY SHOES.
>> SHH. SHH!
WE HAVE OUR NEXT CATEGORY.
>> Both: MEN TRENDS.
>> IN, DRY, CALLOUSED FEET.
>> IN, DOING THE DAMN DISHES.
>> IN, SOBBING.
>> AND OUT --
>> Both: MOVIE POSTERS AS DECOR.
>> MOVIE POSERS AS DECOR, GET
EFFED.
>> ARE YOU A BAND-AID?
'CAUSE I WANT TO RIP YOU OFF.
>> OH, GROW UP, "PULP FICTION"
POSTER AND BE A DAMN PAINTING.
>> MOVIE POSTERS AS DECOR --
>> Both: GO TO BED!
>> WHY DO YOU GUYS KEEP SENDING
THINGS TO BED?
>> BECAUSE!
WE AREN'T ALLOWED TO SEND THEM
TO DEATH!
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> WE'RE TALKING TRENDS.
EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY.
WE HAVE OUR NEXT CATEGORY.
>> Both: BABY TRENDS.
>> IN, WEARING THE SMALLEST
SOCKS THEY MAKE.
>> IN, BEING TWINS.
>> IN, BEING BURPED BY A FRIEND.
>> AND OUT --
>> Both: DUMPING IN THEIR PANTS
AND SAYING NOTHING!
>> BABY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
THAT'S INSANE.
>> THIS IS A SOCIETY.
EATING CHEERIOS WITH A DUMP ON
YOUR ASS, NO.
>> THESE QUIET LEGENDS NEED TO
SPEAK UP.
>> THEIR SILENCE IS DEAFENING.
>> GET IN YOUR BED THAT IS ALSO
A JAIL.
>> I'M SORRY.
I -- I -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> THERE'S NO TIME TO
UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE IT'S TIME
FORFUTURE TRENDS.
>> IN, EUPHORIA, THE FEELING.
>> AND, UH-OH, BACK FROM HELL,
IT'S SHINY SHOES.
CONGRATULATIONS, SHOE.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT
ARE GOING TO BE OUT?
>> WELL, MICHAEL, THE COMPUTER
ONLY OUSTED THREE TRENDS.
>> AND YOU KNOW THAT THEY ALL
HAVE TO BE BANISHED TO HELL FOR
BEING OUT.
>> OUT IS CAT-EYE GLASSES.
>> FIDGET SPINNERS.
>> AND MICHAEL CHE!
>> NO!
THE TREND FORECASTERS,
EVERYBODY.
>> Both: GO TO BED, BITCH.
GO TO BED.
>> AMAZING.
YOU DISTRACTED?
>> NO, NO, IT'S GOOD.
>>> PELOTON IS CONCERNED AFTER
THE TV SHOW "BILLIONS" BECAME
THE SECOND SERIES IN RECENT
WEEKS TO SHOW A CHARACTER HAVING
A HEART ATTACK WHILE USING THEIR
EXERCISE BIKE.
AND THEY ARE EXTREMELY WORRIED
ABOUT HOW THEY FACTOR INTO
SEASON TWO OF "SQUID GAME."
>>> ITEMS FROM THE LATE
RUTH BADER GINSBURG'S PERSONAL
LIBRARY ARE BEING AUCTIONED OFF.
THEY'RE SELLING THE BOOKS AND
THE DESKS, BUT TO HONOR
GINSBURG'S LEGACY, THEY'RE GOING
TO HANG ONTO THE SEAT FOR WAY
LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD.
>> I'LL PUT ON THE GLASSES.
>>> THE HORSE THAT PLAYED
SEABISCUIT IN THE 2003 FILM HAS
DIED AT THE AGE OF 24, SO LET'S
POUR ONE OUT FOR A LEGEND.
GO TO BED!
I DON'T KNOW.
>>> THE CREATOR OF "FULL HOUSE"
IS SELLING HIS BEVERLY HILLS
MANSION, WHICH WAS BUILT ON THE
SITE OF A MANSON FAMILY MURDER.
WOW, IT IS CRAZY TO THINK THAT
HOUSE HAS CONNECTIONS TO A SICK,
TWISTED CRIMINAL.
I'M SURE SHE'S FINE.
>>> McDONALD'S HAS INTRODUCED A
NEW SANDWICH THAT COMBINES BEEF,
FISH AND CHICKEN THAT THEY'RE
CALLING THE LAND, AIR AND SEA.
WAIT, IS AIR THE CHICKEN?
DOES McDONALD'S THINK CHICKENS
FLY?
OR DO THEY JUST THINK THIS IS A
CHICKEN?
>>> A NEW STUDY OF FEMALE
BOTTLENOSE DOLPHINS SUGGESTS
THAT THE CLITORIS CAN EXPERIENCE
PLEASURE DURING SEXUAL
STIMULATION.
BUT SADLY, THEIR FINS CAN'T
REACH.
>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED --
>> DO YOU GET IT?
>> YEAH.
>>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED -- IT WAS
ANNOUNCED THAT MOUNTAIN DEW'S
BAJA BLAST IS BEING CONVERTED
INTO A NEW ALCOHOLIC SELTZER,
WHICH IS THEN BEING CONVERTED
INTO YOUR THIRD DUI.
LAST WEEK END...
EXCITNG
FOOTBALL EVER, AND THE
PLAYOFFS CONTINUE TOMORROW WITH
THE AFC AND NFC CHAMPIONSHIPS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS HALL OF FAME
QUARTERBACK AND TWO-TIME
SUPER BOWL CHAMPION,
PEYTON MANNING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME, COLIN.
>> I'M VERY HAPPY YOU'RE HERE, PEYTON.
YOU PROBABLY HAVE A BETTER
PERSPECTIVE ON THIS THAN ALMOST
ANYONE IN HISTORY.
HOW GREAT WERE THOSE GAMES?
>> YEAH, I HEARD THEY WERE INCREDIBLE.
>> YOU HEARD THEY WERE
INCREDIBLE?
>> YEAH.
SOUNDS LIKE ALL THE TEAMS DID A
GREAT JOB.
LOTS OF PASSING, AND ALL THE
TOUCHDOWNS WERE IN THE END ZONE.
>> SO YOU DIDN'T WATCH ANY OF
THE GAMES?
>> WELL, I PLANNED TO, BUT I HAD
AN HOUR TO KILL BEFORE THE FIRST
GAME SO JUST FOR FUN, I PUT ON
THE FIRST EPISODE OF "EMILY IN
PARIS" SEASON TWO.
AND I WATCHED THE ENTIRE SEASON
STRAIGHT THROUGH.
OH, MY GOD, COLIN, THIS SHOW HAS
EVERYTHING --
ROMANCE, ADVENTURE, SENSUALITY,
CULTURE, A FRESH TAKE ON
FEMINISM -- FINALLY.
NOT TO MENTION, A CULINARY
TAPESTRY SO RICH, I CAN ONLY
DESCRIBE IT AS FOOD PORN.
>> WOW.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE
"EMILY IN PARIS."
BUT IN FOOTBALL NEWS, DID YOU
HEAR THE RUMORS THAT TOM BRADY
MAY BE RETIRING.
>> YEAH.
I'M NOT SURE IT'S TRUE.
I THINK IT'S PROBABLY JUST SPECULATION.
BUT IF IT WERE ME, I PROBABLY
WOULD RETIRE, TOO, IF IT GAVE ME
MORE TIME TO WATCH "EMILY IN
PARIS."
I REALLY THINK FOR TOM RIGHT
NOW, IT'S JUST A TOUGH DECISION
BETWEEN BALANCING HIS CAREER AND
RELATIONSHIPS, SORT OF LIKE
EMILY.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.
THIS IS A CLASSIC SHOWDOWN
BETWEEN EMILY'S CAREER AND HER
LOVE LIFE.
EARLY ON, THE Os WERE GETTING
COMPLETELY DOMINATED BY THE Xs,
AND THERE WERE LOTS OF Xs, IF
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> I DO NOT, KNOW.
>> GABRIEL, MATHIEU CADAULT,
TIMOTHY, DOUG FROM CHICAGO,
OBVIOUSLY.
NOW EMILY WANTS TO GO DEEP ON A
RELATIONSHIP WITH GABRIEL, AND
TO GET AHEAD AT WORK.
BUT AS LONG AS CAMILLE IS
BLOCKING HER, SHE'S GOT TO GO
THROUGH HER PROGRESSIONS AND
CHECK DOWN TO ALFIE IN THE FLATS.
SURE, IT FEELS LIKE A BROKEN
PLAY, AND SHE'S DUMPING IT OFF,
BUT EMOTIONALLY, SHE'S MAKING
FORWARD PROGRESS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I GOT TO ASK, PEYTON, HOW
MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND ON THIS?
>> AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON
THE COACHING, OKAY?
HER FRIEND MINDY SERIOUSLY TOLD
EMILY TO BREAK HER PINKY PROMISE
TO FORGET ABOUT GABRIEL AND STAY
TRUE TO ALFIE?
SACRE BLEU, MAN.
IT'S ALMOST HALFTIME OF SEASON
TWO.
YOU'VE GOT TO CALL A TIME-OUT THERE.
OOH-LA-LA?
MORE LIKE, OH, NO YOU DIDN'T,
GIRL.
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
I'M NOT SURE.
>> BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT
SITTING ON THE SIDELINES?
THE FASHION.
STRIPED PARACHUTE PANTS,
PLAID NEWSBOY HATS, FUR-TRIMMED
CARDIGAN, AND FINGERLESS DRIVING GLOVES?
SHE MIGHT NOT BE DRIVING A CAR,
BUT SHE SURE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE
AN EPISODE DOWN THE FIELD WITH THESE LEWKS.
BY THE WAY, THAT'S LOOKS BUT
IT'S SPELLED L-E-W-K.
>> THANKS, MAN.
YEAH, I GOT IT.
HONESTLY I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT YOU JUST SPENT TREN
STRAIGHT HOURS WATCHING
"EMILY IN PARIS."
YOU COULD HAVE SEEN JOSH ALLEN,
PATRICK MAHOMES, ONE OF THE BEST
QUARTERBACK DUELS IN HISTORY.
>> SURE, WATCHING FOOTBALL WAS
WATCHING FOOTBALL WAS THE SAFE THING TO DO.
THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTED ME
TO DO.
BUT IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING
FROM EMILY, IT'S TO FOLLOW MY
PASSIONS AND ALWAYS BE TRUE TO
MYSELF.
THE FRENCH HAVE A SAYING --
PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
WHICH MEANS
PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
WHICH MEANS, "YOU DO YOU, GIRL."
>> I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH, COLIN.
BUT THANKS TO EMILY, I SPEAK
LOVE.
>> WOW.
SO YOU THINK SEASON TWO WAS EVEN
BETTER THAN SEASON ONE.
>> WAIT.
THERE'S A SEASON ONE?
>> PEYTON MANNING, EVERYONE.
>> GO, BILLS!
THEY'RE STILL IN IT, RIGHT?
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOPOD NIGHT..
♪♪
>> BELLE, ARE YOU HAPPY HERE
WITH ME?
>> I'M -- GETTING USED TO IT.
>> WHAT'S WRONG?
>> IF ONLY I COULD SEE MY FATHER
AGAIN, JUST FOR A MOMENT.
>> WELL, PERHAPS THERE IS A WAY.
THIS MAGIC MIRROR WILL SHOW YOU
ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
>> ANYTHING?
>> YES, BELLE, ANYTHING.
>> I'D LIKE TO SEE MY FATHER,
PLEASE.
>> BON SOIR.
IS ANYBODY HOME?
BELLE, BELLE, ARE YOU HERE?
HELLO!
>> OH, HE'S CALLING FOR ME.
I KNEW MY FATHER MISSED ME.
>> OF COURSE HE MISSES YOU,
BELLE.
HE WOULD BE A FOOL IF HE DIDN'T.
>> OKAY, SO, I AM JUST SHAKING.
I AM DEFINITELY ALONE THEN.
NOBODY HERE IN THE COTTAGE,
EXCEPT LITTLE, OLD ME.
CRAZY OLD MAURICE.
>> UH-OH.
>> WHAT?
>> WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE YOUR
FATHER REALLY WANTS TO MAKE SURE
HE'S ALONE.
>> WELL, HE'S NEVER BEEN BY
HIMSELF BEFORE.
HE'S PROBABLY FRIGHTENED.
>> YEAH, I THINK WE'RE THE ONES
WHO SHOULD BE FRIGHTENED.
♪ THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY
LIFE ♪
>> YEP, YEP, HERE WE GO.
HE'S LIGHTING ALL THE CANDLES
NOW.
>> WELL, MAYBE HE IS COLD.
>> NOPE.
NOT A SHOT.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING
HERE.
>> YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HE DOING
NOW?
>> DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME.
>> HE JUST SEEMS TO BE SO LOST
WITHOUT ME.
>> BELLE, THIS GUY'S NOT
THINKING ABOUT YOU AT ALL, AND
IF HE IS, WE'VE GOT BIGGER
PROBLEMS.
>> OH MY GOD! WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?
♪♪
>> WELL, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING
YOU SEE EVERY DAY.
>> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING --
THE MIRROR NEVER DISAPPOINTS.
>> OKAY, MAYBE HE SHOULD DO
SOMETHING ELSE.
ANYBODY WANT TO SING "BE OUR
GUEST" AGAIN?
IT'S A REALLY FUN, COOL SONG.
>> MAYBE LATER.
>> OUCH!
HARDER!
OUCH!
HARDER!
OUCH!
OUCH.
>> OH, I LIKE THIS DUDE.
HE NASTY.
>> OKAY, OKAY, I THINK WE'VE
SEEN ENOUGH.
ANYONE ELSE WANT TO LOOK IN THE
MIRROR.
>> QUIET, THE STRANGEST THING OF
ALL IS HAPPENING.
>> OH, MY LADY, LOOK AT HOW I'M
CARRYING ON SINCE YOUR PASSING.
I JUST WISH YOU WERE HOLDING ME
CLOSE AND KISSING MY NECK,
STROKING MY HAIR, STOMPING ON MY
GROIN, SPANKING MY ASS!
BITING MY ASS!
SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS WITH MY
ASS.
>> OH!
OOPS, I BROKE THE MIRROR.
TOTAL ACCIDENT.
CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
ANY WAYS, SEE EVERYONE AT DINNER
AND
♪ LET'S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS
AGAIN ♪
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE BROKE THE
MIRROR.
>> DON'T WORRY, GUYS, I GOT LIKE
30 MORE IN MY ROOM.
>> WAIT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT OLD MAN'S
COTTAGE?
♪ A TALE AS OL AS TIME ♪
>> WHICH IS A SONG I WOULD SING
IF I HAD THE RIGHTS.
>>> I KNOW, DUDE.
BUT THAT'S LIKE JAMIE'S WHOLE
DEAL.
LIKE, SHE WOULD SAY THAT.
>> HEY, MARK, WHO IS THAT?
>> SORRY, THIS IS MY FRIEND,
CONNER.
CON, THESE ARE THE GUYS I WAS
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> HEY.
>> HEY.
>> CONNER, IF I GET TAPAS, DO
YOU WANT IN?
>> THE USUAL.
WHAT DO I OWE YOU?
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU GOT UBER LAST NIGHT.
>> COME ON, GUYS, SERIOUSLY.
WE HAVE TO GET TO WRITING.
>> IS CONNER PRACTICING VIOLIN?
>> YES, JUST IGNORE ME.
>> A NEEDS TO PRACTICE.
>> IS JOST AROUND BY THE WAY?
>> CONNER WANTED TO PITCH
HIM SOME JOKES.
>> WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHITE
BITCH WITH DREADLOCKS?
>> DUDE.
>> OH MY GOD,SORRY IF HE'S NOT BEING THE
MOST PC.
>> YOU SOUND LIKE JACOB RIGHT
NOW.
>> TOTALLY.
>> WHO IS JACOB?
>> JUST A NERD.
>> JUST A NERD.
DO YOU WANT TAPAS OR JUST ME AND
THE "C" TRAIN.
10-YEAR-OLD?
>> BECAUSE WE GET ALONG, MAN.
I WAS TIRED OF ONLY HANG OUGHT
WITH TOXIC WORK FRIENDS.
>> TOXIC?
YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH A KID.
>> OH MY GOD.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE HOOK UP.
>> WELL, DUDE, HOW ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
IT'S A WEIRD MESSAGE COMING
ACROSS.
>> HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET?
>> WE ARE ON THE SAME SOCCER
TEAM.
>> THE DRAGONS.
>> THE DRAGONS?
>> HANGING WITH THE WHOLE TEAM
TONIGHT.
GOT US A TABLE AT A NIGHTCLUB.
YOU CONNOR
GOT US A TABLE AT A
NIGHTCLUB?
>> NO, DUMB ASS, I'M 10.
>> CAN YOU IMAGINE?
>> YEAH, LIKE, HEY, I'M 10,
LET'S GO DANCING AND DRINK SOME
HENNESSEY.
>> WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
>> CONNER IS VERY FUNNY.
>> HE IS NOT FUNNY.
>> HE IS.
IT'S JUST HIS DELIVERY OR
SOMETHING.
HE JUST HAS IT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> JEEZ, JOHN.
NO NEED TO BE SUCH A JACOB.
>> I DON'T KNOW JACOB, BUT THAT
REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS.
>> IT SHOULD, DUDE.
OH, FOOD'S HERE.
>> HOW DOES IT FEEL BEING A
[ BLEEP ] BABY.
>> ALL RIGHT, NOODLES WITH BUTTER.
THAT'S FOR ME.
AND CON, THE PORTERHOUSE, RARE.
>> ARIGATO, MY FRIEND.
>> HE SHOULD NOT BE EATING A
RARE PORTERHOUSE.
>> I WOULDN'T BE GIVING ANYBODY
ELSE DIET ADVICE, TUBBY.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> THAT DOES IT.
>> WHOA, MAN.
>> I'M EATING YOUR STEAK NOW,
DUDE.
>> JOHN!
>> YOU ACT LIKE A JERK, HE GETS
THE STEAK EATEN.
>> NO.
>> JOHN?
>> NOW, WE GOT TO ORDER MORE.
>> JOHN, WHAT'S WRONG?
>> I'M CHOKING.
>> YOU'RE TALKING.
>> NO, I'M CHOKING.
>> OH, HE'S CHOKING.
♪♪
♪ THEY SAY THAT A HERO CAN SAVE
US ♪
♪ NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND
WAIT ♪
♪ I HOLD ON TO THE WINGS OF THE
EAGLE ♪
♪ WATCH AS WE ALL FLY AWAY ♪
♪ NOW THAT THE WORLD IS ♪
>> YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
MAYBE I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU.
HOW ABOUT TONIGHT WE DO GO TO A
NIGHTCLUB?
>> YEAH.
I'D LIKE THAT.
♪♪
♪
THEY SAY THAT HE HERO --
>> CONNER, I GOT YOUR E-MAIL.
I LOVE THAT UPDATE JOKE.
♪ LET'S DRINK SOME HENNESSEY ♪♪
>> ONCE AGAIN, KATY PERRY.
♪♪
♪ YEAH YOU'RE STARTING TO
TRICKLE BACK IN ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T WANT TO FALL DOWN
THE RABBIT HOLE ♪
♪ CROSS MY HEART I WON'T DO IT
AGAIN ♪
♪ I TELL MYSELF, TELL MYSELF,
TELL MYSELF, DRAW THE LINE ♪
♪ AND I DO, I DO ♪♪
WITH YOU ONCE IN A WHILE I TRIP
UP AND CROSS THE LINE AND THINK
OF YOU ♪
♪ TWO YEARS AND JUST LIKE THAT
MY HEAD STILL TAKES ME BACK ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE, BUT GUESS
IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ OH, WE WERE SUCH A MESS, BUT
WASN'T IT THE BEST ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE BUT I
GUESS IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE IT'S OVER DOESN'T
MEAN IT'S REALLY OVER ♪
♪ AND IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE
YOU'LL BE COMING OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ OH JUST BECAUSE IT'S OVER
DOESN'T MEAN IT'S REALLY OVER
AND IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE
YOU'LL BE COMING OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ I GUESS I COULD TRY
HYPNOTHERAPY ♪
♪ I GOT TO REWIRE THIS BRAIN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO ON THE
INTERNET WITHOUT EVEN CHECKING
YOUR NAME ♪
♪ I TELL MYSELF, TELL MYSELF,
TELL MYSELF, DRAW THE LINE ♪
♪ AND I DO I DO ♪
♪ BUT ONCE IN A WHILE I TRIP UP
AND I CROSS THE LINE AND THINK
OF YOU ♪
♪ TWO YEARS AND JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ MY HEAD STILL TAKES ME BACK ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE BUT GUESS
IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ OH WE WERE SUCH A MESS BUT
WASN'T IT THE BEST? ♪
♪ THOUGHT IT WAS DONE BUT I
GUESS IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE IT BUNT MEAN IT'S
REALLY OVER AND IF I THINK IT'S
OVER MAYBE YOU'LL BE COME OVER
AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE IT'S OVER DOESN'T
MEAN IT'S REALLY OVER ♪
♪ AND IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE
YOU'LL BE COMING OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE TO GET OVER YOU
ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ THOUGHT WE KISSED GOOD-BYE
THOUGHT WE MEANT THIS TIME ♪
♪ WAS THE LAST BUT I GUESS IT'S
NEVER REALLY OVER ♪
♪ THOUGHT WE DREW THE LINE RIGHT
THROUGH YOU ♪
♪ AND I CAN'T KEEP GOING BACK ♪
♪ I GUESS IT'S NEVER REALLY
OVER ♪
>> OH, HI, OHIO.
>> YOU ARE TOO MUCH!
>> WELCOME BACK.
LANGDON LEE ALONGSIDE
CHERYL WORTH.
>> LOTS AHEAD IN THE 9:00 HOUR,
BUT FIRST, OUR MAN ABOUT TOWN,
SCOTT COTT, IS WITH A LOCAL
AUTHOR WHO'S WRITTEN A NEW
SELF-HELP BOOK ABOUT FINDING
HAPPINESS THROUGH
SELF-DISCOVERY.
HMM, SOUNDS INTERESTING.
>> YEAH, SURE DOES.
SCOTT'S DOWN AT A BOOK SIGNING
AT BERGMAN'S BOOKS WITH
DR. BENJAMIN BLOOM, AUTHOR OF
"BLOWING YOURSELF."
SCOTT?
>> THANKS, LANGDON.
I AM STANDING NEXT TO A MAN WHO
HOPES TO HELP MILLIONS OF FOLKS
FIND HAPPINESS THROUGH
SELF-EXPLORATION.
>> SCOTT, I HAVE TO JUMP IN.
I MISSPOKE BEFORE, DR. BLOOM'S
BOOK IS TITLED "KNOWING
YOURSELF," NOT "BLOWING
YOURSELF."
THERE WERE A LOT OF "B" WORDS IN
A ROW ON THE TELEPROMPTER AND I
GOT A LITTLE TONGUE-TIED.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, SCOTT.
>> IT HAPPENS.
NOW DR. BLOOM, TELL US ABOUT
YOUR BOOK.
>> WELL, IT'S A FEEL-GOOD BOOK.
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO LOVE
YOURSELF BY GOING DOWN DEEP AND
EMBRACING THE PART OF YOU THAT
YOU DISCOVER DOWN THERE.
>> WOW.
THAT'S A LOT TO SWALLOW.
>> SORRY.
>> YES?
>> SORRY, SCOTT.
I HAVE TO JUMP IN HERE.
WE'RE HAVING AN ISSUE WITH OUR
GRAPHICS THAT'S MAKING THIS
INTERVIEW SEEM VERY APPROPRIATE.
THE BOOK IS "KNOWING YOURSELF."
>> COME ON, GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET IT TOGETHER.
SCOTT.
>> THANKS, LANGDON.
>> I SEE YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE WITH
YOU.
>> THIS IS MY LOVELY WIFE CINDY.
>> DO YOU PRACTICE IS TECHNIQUES
IN YOUR HUSBAND'S BOOK?
>> YES, IT WAS A LITTLE HARDER
FOR ME TO GET THERE, THOUGH.
I THINK WOMEN HAVE TO REACH
DEEPER IN THEMSELVES TO FIND
HAPPINESS?
>> ABSOLUTELY. WOMEN ARE GENERALLY MORE
COMPLEX, A LOT MORE NOOKS AND
CRANNIES.
>> YOU KNOW IT CAN BE AN EMOTIONALLY
TAXING PROCESS.
IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOUR
SENSITIVE SIDE IS GOING TO TAKE
A LICKING, BUT IN THE END, TRUST
ME, IT'S SO WORTH IT.
BUY HIS BOOK.
I HAD MY NOSE BURIED IN IT FOR
HOURS.
>> I'M SURE YOU DID.
THANK YOU, CINDY.
>> DOCTOR, YOU'RE GOING TEACH ME
ONE OF YOUR BREATHING EXERCISES
HERE.
I TRIED YOGA ONCE AND I WAS
AWFUL, SO HOPEFULLY I DON'T SUCK
HERE.
>> HEY, IT'S OKAY TO SUCK.
IT'S HOW WE LEARN.
>> OKAY, GOOD.
WE'VE GOT SOME MATS HERE.
>> LET'S GET DOWN.
>> GREAT.
>> YOU CAN DO THIS IN A CHAIR AT
HOME ALSO.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY.
YOU WANT TO CENTER YOURSELF LIKE
SO.
>> OKAY.
>> OKAY, BREATHE DEEPLY, REALLY
FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH LOTS --
>> NO.
FOLKS, WE ARE SO DEEPLY SORRY.
THIS LOOKS VERY BAD.
MAYBE WE GO TO SPORTS?
SPORTS, YEAH?
WANT TO GIVE PEOPLE YOUR SUPER
BOWL PREDICTIONS?
>> NO, LET'S LET THIS PLAY OUT.
>> THANK YOU FOR NOTHING, NICK.
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE WRAPPING UP.
BRING THE AUDIO BACK.
>> OH.
WOW, I HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO.
I GOT TO GET PRACTICING.
>> WELL, DON'T GO NUTS WHEN
YOU'RE JUST STARTING OUT.
THAT WOULD BE GOING TOO FAR.
>> OKAY.
>>BUT WITH TIME, I PROMISE,
YOU'LL RISE TO THE OCCASION AND
MEET YOURSELF HALFWAY.
>> YES!
WELL SAID.
AND YOU'VE CERTAINLY MADE SOME
FANS OUT OF OUR VIEWERS.
#NEVER GOING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.
GOOD STUFF.
NOW YOU'LL BE DOWN HERE ALL DAY,
CORRECT?
>> YES, I'LL BE SIGNING COPIES
OF MY BOOK.
AND AT NOON, I'LL BE
DEMONSTRATING MY TECHNIQUE LIVE.
>> OOH.
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO ATTEND, YOU
CAN MAKE A RESERVATION ONLINE AT
WWW -- ACTUALLY, THEY'RE TELLING
ME NO, YOU CAN'T.
I GUESS IT SOLD OUT IMMEDIATELY.
MR. POPULAR!
BACK TO YOU GUYS.
>> THOSE PEOPLE WHO MADE A
RESERVATION ARE GOING TO BE VERY
DISAPPOINTED.
>> ALL RIGHT, COMING UP IN
TRAFFIC, SOMETHING WANDER ON THE
I-270, AND IT'S CAUSING MAJOR
TRAFFIC.
THAT SOMETHING, A 400-POUND
WHILED BOAR
INNOTECH CASE.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR ANY
TRANSACTIONS THAT POINT TO
FUNNELING OF FUNDS INTO IMPROPER
OVERSEAS ACCOUNTS.
>> THIS IS GOING TO TAKE ALL
NIGHT.
>> I MEAN, IF WE'RE LUCKY.
>> GUYS, I'M SORRY, THERE'S
NOTHING WE CAN DO.
I DID ASK THE NEW TEMP TO ORDER
PIZZA.
>> ALL SET BOSS.
I HOPE 22 BIGGIES ARE ENOUGH.
>>SEEMS LIKE TOO MANY, JEREMIAH.
BUT I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU
ARE REENTERING THE WORKFORCE AT
YOUR AGE.
>> THANK YOU, MA'AM.
RETIREMENT WASN'T FOR ME SO I
THOUGHT, WHAT THE HECK. I DON'T KNOW.
I'M EXCITED.
>> COME ON, EVERYBODY, GRAB A
BOX.
THE CLOCK IS TICKING.
WE MAY AS WELL GET STARTED.
[ TICKING ]
>> OKAY.
WAIT.
HEY.
♪♪
>> I LIKE IT.
♪ ZAPP-IT-ZAP-ZOW ♪
>> I LIKE THAT.
♪ ZAPP-IT-ZAP-ZOW
>> OH, YEAH.
♪ ZAPP-IT-ZAP-ZOW
♪ OH YEAH ♪
>> PAP IT POW ♪
♪ IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY
JUNGLE ♪
♪ THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE JUNGLE, THE QUIET
JUNGLE ♪
♪ THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT ♪
ZBLOOMS.
>> WHY WOULD DO YOU THAT?
>> I WANTED TO JOIN IN.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BUST THROUGH
THE WINDOW, MAKE A COOL SOUND.
>> WE'RE 15 STORIES UP, MAN, YOU
COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE!
>> WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO
THROUGH ANOTHER CHAIR EVERY
EIGHT BARS.
>> IF IT SOUNDED COOL. I WANT TO HAVE...
>> HEY, WHO THREW A CHAIR OUT
THIS DAMN BUILDING?
>> I'M SORRY, SIR, OUR NEW TEMP
HAD A MISHAP.
A MISHAP?
>> THAT JUST CRASHED BY
BRAND-NEW MERCEDES S CLASS.
>> WE ARE SINGING A SONG, SIR,
MADE IT UP ON THE SPOT, THEN
SOMEONE THREW A CHAIR.
DO WE REMEMBER WHO?
WHO DID THAT?
>> YOU DID A MILLION DOLLARS
WORTH OF DAMAGE.
>> PLEASE, SIR, I KNOW THIS IS
BAD, BUT IT IS HIS FIRST DAY.
.
REMEMBER MY FIRST DAY?
I WAS SO NERVOUS I KEPT CALLING
YOU DADDY.
YOU GAVE ME A SECOND CHANCE.
>> HE'S GOT A POINT, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
>> I'M GOING REGRET THIS, BUT
I'LL SEE YOU ALL HERE TOMORROW.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE IT.
>> OKAY, JEREMIAH, YOU CAN DO THIS.
READY?
>> OH, MY GOD!
OH GUYS. IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
SHE'S OKAY.
KEEP THE CHAIR DOWN.
>>> THANKS TO KATY PERRY,
ALESSO, PEYTON MANNING,
LORNE MICH....