Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 3 - Issa Rae/Justin Bieber - full transcript

Host Issa Rae; Justin Bieber performs.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Good evening.

I'm George stephanopoulos, and
the vibe we're going for tonight

is "poorly attended college
lecture.

The folks asking questions are
half pro-biden and half

anti-Trump, and somehow we've
put all of them in the last row

of the balcony.
How are you guys up there?

Huh?
I have vertigo!

Great.
And our guest of honor tonight

is former vice president and
future oatmeal spokesman Joe

biden.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello!
Hello, Philadelphia!



It's great to be here!
Hey, that is Bobby Clark of the

1974-75 flyers?
Mr. Vice president, Mr. Vice

president, please don't wander
into the audience to greet

people.
Sorry!

I'm just so excited to talk to
America.

With real-life Americans.
Hey, George!

Check it out!
That's a dance for the kids on

tiktok.
Okay.

Okay, Joe.
Let's focus.

Now, are you ready for softball
questions from folks who are

already voting for you?
You bet your short pants I

am.
This is going to be exciting,

George.
I've given everybody in the

audience a glass of warm milk
and a blanket.



Now who's ready to have some fun
with facts and figures?

Whoo!
The first question is from

Nicholas fenton, and he's a
democrat.

Mr. Vice president, how would
your response differ from the

horrible one from president
Trump, who I hate?

Let's limit how many times
you outright say you hate

President Trump during your
questions.

Aww!
Mr. Vice president, go ahead.

Okay.
Now Nicholas -- where the hell

are you?
Nicholas?

I'm up here!
Huh?

Go ahead!
Hey.

Yeah.
Here's the deal.

Unlike the president, I actually
have a plan.

Okay, great!
What is it?

[ Laughter ]
A plan is a detailed proposal

for doing or achieving
something.

No, I mean, what's your plan?
Oh, right.

Right.
Well, let me start with a story.

Mixed with a complicated math
problem.

[ Laughter ]
If you have 3 million doses of

vaccine, and the vaccine leaves
Chicago at 10:00 A.M., what time

would it arrive in Washington?
And please show your work.

Good evening, America.
I am surprise bad-ass Savannah

Guthrie.
[ Laughter ]

If you were angry at nbc for
doing this town hall, let me get

a few questions in and I think
you'll thank me.

Joining me tonight is president
Donald Trump.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, serengeti, it's

great to be here.
Even though -- woman.

[ Laughter ]
We have lots of voters

to ask questions, but I'd like
to start by tearing you a new

one.
[ Laughter ]

Why won't you condemn white
supremacy?

I do.
I do condemn it.

I've always more or less
condemned it.

What about q-anon?
You mean the group that

thinks democrats are a cabal of
Satan-worshipping pedophiles,

and I'm their Messiah?
I don't know anything about them

at all.
Yes, you do, Mr. President.

I do know they're against
pedophilia, and I agree with

that, if anyone's against
pedophiles, it's me, the man who

was close, personal friends with
one of the most famous

pedophiles on earth.
Rest in power, Jeffrey.

[ Laughter and moans ]
Okay -- what about the Aryan

brotherhood?
They're very pro-family,

that's all I know.
Kkk?

Your car breaks down, you
call triple-k.

Last week you tweeted that
osama bin laden is still alive.

I didn't tweet it, it was a
retweet, which is short for

"really smart tweet."
You can't just do things like

that, you're not someone's crazy
uncle.

Really?
Because this conversation we're

having is a preview of
Thanksgiving dinner at a lot of

American households, so crazy
uncles, stand back and stand by.

That brings us to 1939.
[ Laughter ]

The year I went to the world
fair.

And met the real Mickey mouse.
Does that answer your question?

[ Laughter ]
If you want to find me after the

town hall, we can talk some
more.

Some more?
Just to be clear, when was

the last time you tested
negative?

There are so many tests,
santana, I get tested all the

time.
Okay, for COVID.

There are so many COVID,
Savannah, COVID-12, COVID-14 --

were you tested for COVID-19
on the day of the debate --

there have been so many
debates --

there was one f'ing debate.
Now do you have any remaining

symptoms of COVID?
No, I'm doing great.

Doctors say my lung is
beautiful.

I have one beautiful lung now,
which turned basically into

glass, so it's very strong.
You didn't have pneumonia?

Had a small fever, it was
around 100 celsius.

But I did great.
[ Laughter ]

I never died.
Never saw hell or the devil.

He never showed me a list of my
sins.

I was just alive and strong the
whole time.

Okay.
I'm done with my initial

prostate exam.
Our first question tonight is

from Jacqueline lugo.
Hello, Mr. President!

Greetings from Miami --
no, no, different person.

Okay, let's go to our next
question from Paulette Dale, and

I'm told she's horny.
Yes.

Greetings, Mr. President.
I have to say, you have a great

smile.
He does!

Oh, just so handsome when you
smile.

Come on, let me see those
chompers.

Oh, there we go.
You're so beautiful.

Now my question is about
immigration.

My parents were both immigrants.
So I want to know what you'll do

with the so-called dreamers.
Where did your parents

emigrate from?
They came from Mrs.

Maisel-vania.
That's why you have to do

something.
You can make a difference.

You can save this country.
Joe, who are you talking to?

[ Laughter ]
I'm talking to god, George.

Father, son, holy ghost, you're
the team we love the most.

[ Laughter ]
And that's why we're going to

have a v-shaped recovery, a deep
v, rippling pecs and a toned

eight-pack.
A swimmer's body, basically like

I have after COVID, and it'sing
about -- it's going to be

beautiful!
The question is, why won't

you release your taxes?
Oh, that's simple, because I

don't want to go to jail.
Thank you.

Our next question is from a
pro-life millennial, so yikes,

good luck.
My question is did you

nominate judge Barrett to strike
down roe v. Wade?

Because that would be pretty
chill of you.

That's a beautiful question,
thank you.

I didn't tell Amy conan o'brien
to vote any way on any issue.

Some people say very brilliant
minds say roe v. Wade should be

overturned and burned in a trash
can, like antifa is burning all

of my ballots because everyone
knows the radical left are

trying to steal this election.
They're taking down statues

which are full of Trump votes,
that's where the people place

their votes, into the statues.
Antifa is stealing them and

changing Trump to Kathy
Griffin --

okay, I'm so sorry.
[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm real sorry.
This is the last place I want to

be.
But somebody has to ask, what

the hell is happening with that
woman back there?

[ Laughter ]
Because I only nod that much

when a waiter asks if I'll be
having mimosas at brunch.

So either that's Candace Owens
in a wig or baby girl answered

the wrong Craigslist ad.
Are you okay, miss?

Are you listening to music on
tiny headphones?

I'm genuinely trying to
understand what's happening.

Because if you're not a plant,
then I am deeply, deeply

concerned for you, honey.
She's probably just upset

that I didn't win the nobel
prize.

Okay.
I need to get out of here,

because this is some spooky-ass
Jordan peele nonsense.

I just hope Joe's town hall is
more inspiring than this.

♪ Let's make the most of this
beautiful day ♪

♪ since we're together we might
as well say ♪

♪ would you be mine could you be
mine ♪

♪ won't you be my neighbor ♪
what do you say?

Will you be my neighbor, George?
What?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm watching the
Trump one.

They're really going at it.
And now, Savannah is telling

him there's another question,
but no, it was just a

distraction!
Savannah Guthrie has a folding

chair!
From the audience!

And Trump doesn't see it!
Oh, the humanity!

♪♪♪
and you see each tree has its

own personality.
Just like America.

Does that answer your question,
Justin?

If I say yes, can I sit down?
You betcha, buckaroo.

Both my legs are sleeping.
Well, Mr. Vice president, I

believe we are about out of
time.

So I'm going to ask you for your
closing statement.

George, George, we have to
restore sanity to the nation.

If elected, I promise I won't
tweet once.

Because I don't know how.
And I'll have exactly one

scandal.
I will mistake Angela merkel for

my wife, from behind, and tell
her she's got a rocking caboose.

[ Laughter ]
There's no malice in that.

That's it!
In conclusion, there's only

one question that matters.
Just ask yourselves, America,

aren't you better off than you
were four years ago?

No!
All right, then just try and

take me alive.
And live from New York, it's

Saturday night!
[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
announcer: It's "Saturday

night live.
With --

announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, issa rae!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, thank you so much.
This is crazy.

Right?
It is amazing to be here hosting

"Saturday night live."
[ Cheers and applause ]

I can't believe I just walked
down the same steps as some of

my favorite comedy legends, like
Tina fey and Amy poehler, y'all.

So many of my inside jokes, my
family's inside jokes -- hi,

family -- come from "SNL."
I'm just so happy to be here.

And I'm so scared right now, to
be honest.

I'm so scared that I might throw
up.

But I got to hold it down,
because -- I'm the first black

person to host "SNL," y'all!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Folks, I'm really not, okay, I'm
lying.

[ Laughter ]
But y'all believed it for a

second.
What if I can lie to y'all like

that?
What if y'all didn't even

notice?
If this show goes bad, though,

just blame it on me, Mary j.
Blige.

[ Laughter ]
I was actually supposed to host

the show back in march when I
had two movies and season 4 of

my show "insecure" coming out.
[ Cheers and applause ]

But now I'm here, and there
really is no reason.

Because I have nothing going on.
Like nothing.

People keep asking me, what have
you been working on?

And I'm like, uh -- puzzles,
bitch?

I don't know.
[ Laughter ]

What have you been working on,
since you're all in my business?

My show actually premiered four
years ago this month, right

before the last election.
And the results came in.

And of course everybody was
freaking out.

I was freaking out.
And I felt really awkward for my

life to be going so good, you
know?

Like it was rude to be peaking
right when democracy was

collapsing.
[ Laughter ]

It was really weird to say,
thank god for what happened in

the fall of 2016.
You know, when I first got a TV

show I thought everything would
kind of feel different.

But it really just felt like
high school.

Like the show was kind of based
on a web series I made back in

the day called "the
misadventures of an awkward

black girl."
Honestly, that's how I felt all

the time, just awkward and
black.

I felt like a freshman that
first year.

You know?
I'd see all the cliques and the

cool girls that I wanted to be
friends with.

And I evened got bullied
sometimes.

.
you guys know it as Twitter.

Twitter can be so scary
sometimes.

Being dragged on social media
feels like a low-stakes horror

movie where, when you're on it,
it feels like, oh!

Oh my god, they're coming for
me, where do I go?

And your battery dies and you're
like, oh.

Sometimes you have a Hollywood
event and you have four seconds

to remember their name.
But you buy time by starting

with, oh my god!
Hey, look at you!

If they call me out on it, like
come on, issa, you know me.

I just go, excuse me, I'm Mary
j. Blige, racist.

[ Laughter ]
But doing my show for the last

four years is like high school,
then hosting "SNL" is like my

prom.
And you guys are all my dates.

[ Cheers and applause ]
And I'm ready to go all the way,

y'all!
We have a great show for you.

Justin bieber is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]

So stick around and we'll be
right back!

You're watching CDC, the
Canadian broadcasting

corporation.

Live from Montreal, the best
part of Canada, the worst part

of France.
My name is Jean-Lawrence, or

John Larry.
I'm joined by my beautiful

cohost, Anne-Marie.
Bonjour.

Bonjour.
How was your weekend?

I suffer injury when I made
love to a cirque du soleil

performer.
I choke on the big scarf.

So it was a bold weekend.
Today we are with our colleague

from the south, he is an

American journalist quarantined
in Canada because of COVID-19.

Please welcome from Detroit,
Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Marcie for having moi.
But my name is actually Fred.

I said Jean-Fred.
Nope.

Just Fred.
Please welcome Jean-forehead

desjardins.
Okay.

"Hot takes!"
Parliament has proposed a

controversial resolution for
guaranteed universal income, but

is this just an empty welfare
promise?

We'll get your take.
[ Speaking foreign language ]

Jean-Fred?
Uh -- yes?

Or no?
I'm sorry, I don't speak

whatever French this is.
And that's today's "hot

take."
now it's time for our weekly

segment with our correspondent
awa sene.

Bonjour, this is "Drake
watch."

Oh, yes, this is the part of
the show where we find out if

you saw Drake.
Awa, did you see Drake today?

No.
This has been "Drake watch."

Um, sorry, that's it?
That's the whole segment?

Oh, well, I thought I saw
Drake, but it was just my friend

etienne.
Etienne looks a lot like Drake.

Plus I was confused because he
was kind on a basketball court.

Did you check anywhere else
for Drake?

Yes.
I almost found him this morning

when I saw a man in a
wheelchair.

But then I remembered Drake was
only in a wheelchair for

pretend.
Okay.

Awa, please keep us posted if
you see Drake.

Oui, of course.
This has been "Drake watch."

Yoo-hoo, Drake!

What an exciting segment.
Jean-Fred, did you like Drake?

I don't know, he's kind of
fallen off recently --

[ screaming in foreign
language ]

Your guest, please.
How is this a news show?

It's time for "traffic
report."

Today I was driving to work
in my peugeot.

I took a left on Avenue Jacques
cartier, then I parked in a

parking garage.
Great traffic report.

Uh -- you can smoke in the
studio?

Oh, okay, I hear now that we
have a breaking story, we must

cut right away.

Bonjour, hi!
I am at cn tower with a dramatic

development in the search for
Drake.

He is there?
No, Drake is not here.

Then why are you there?
As you can see, it is a

famous view.
Drake is not at this location

but I thought I should check.
But there is no Drake.

That's breaking news?
[ Screaming in foreign

language ]

Ah, we are almost out of
time.

Thank you to Jean-Fred.
Please accept our famous big

weird bagels.
Sorry, these are bagels?

Why is everything 25% different
here?

In Quebec we say, tastes
better with the big o.

Yes, lick the cream cheese
out of the o.

Jean-Fred, stick your face in
the big hole.

Hey, hey, hey!
I regret doing that on camera.

Well, it's time to say au
revoir.

We're sad to go, but that's the
way it is!

♪♪♪
♪♪♪

♪ and that's the way it is ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

All these protests and civil
unrest.

It's clear that people are
hurting.

But how can I help when I don't
even understand what some people

in this country go through every
day?

I wish there were an easier way.
Now there is with new 5-hour

empathy.
5-hour empathy?

What's that?
From the makers of 5-hour

energy comes a brand-new formula
that provides five full hours of

complete intimate understanding
of years of systemic oppression

and ever-present racism.
Wow.

All that in one little bottle?
That's right.

That's great!
So -- are you going to try

it?
Uh -- try -- uh -- what?

The stuff?
Yeah.

The stuff I just told you about.
You know it!

I mean -- uh -- yeah.
Well -- do you want to do

that now?
You did say you wanted to

understand what was making
people so upset.

I do.
Did you say it lasts five hours?

That's right.
Oh!

Yeah.
I can't.

I, uh --
you're not scared, are you?

Scared?
No!

Okay.
Fine.

Oh.
Wow.

I get it now.
I need to do better.

The cap is still on.
Come on, man.

I'm not a racist!
I'm voting for biden, what more

do you want?
Honey, what's wrong?

Are too many NFL players
kneeling again?

What?
No, I wish more would.

Look, she'll take it.
No, I don't need that because

I'm a woman, so it's the same.
She said what?

Hey, man.
We get it.

We're good here.
They fired uncle Ben.

Everything's fine.
Get out of my house.

Or what, you're going to call
the police?

Oh -- you -- you're trying
to -- now I'm not going to --

okay, fine.
I'll take it.

Great.
Do it.

That makes sense.
5-hour empathy.

For when you just don't get it.

I guess the waiter forgot to
give us menus?

Oh, no, the menu is on the
bar code thing, take a picture

and it's on your phone.
That's convenient.

Right?
I take it you haven't been on a

date since COVID?
Not really.

Then again, I didn't date before
COVID either.

Really?
That's a surprise.

Yeah, I don't have the best
luck with guys.

They all end up crazy.
What's your type?

Not you.
Damn.

No, I didn't mean it like
that.

That came out wrong.
I meant, I don't usually date

guys who take me to fancy places
like this.

This is really nice.
Oh, well, I'm happy I could

show you this.
Yeah, me too.

You know what's good is this
crab ravioli in cream sauce,

right?
Sharon?

Sharon?
That is you, girl.

Hey, Clifford.
You are looking good!

Mm, mm, mm!
I see you got them yams out,

mm-mm.
Looking all pretty, titty meat

all popping out.
Clifford, I'm kind of busy

right now.
My bad, my bad, I didn't mean

to intrude.
Well, you are.

Okay.
Live your life, girl.

Live your life.
But it is good to see you.

You go.
Mm, mm, mm.

The one that got away.
Good-bye, Clifford.

Oh, all right.
Hey, bruh.

She is a woman, all right?
Don't you mess it up like I did.

Okay.
Hey, you want to buy this

flower?
You don't have to do that.

Bye, Clifford.
Oh, man, you hating on my

business, okay, fine.
I am so sorry about that.

No, that's cool.
So you know him or something?

Yeah.
We sort of kind of dated for a

while.
Like when y'all were kids?

No, we used to work together.
Anyway.

So the ravioli is in a cream
sauce?

The what, now?
The crab ravioli.

Oh --
I'll burn this whole place to

the ground!
Sharon?

[ Laughter ]
That you, girl?

You've got to be kidding me.
Hey, karate man.

Karate man?
Konnichiwa, girl.

Look at you.
Legs all out like ka pow!

Ka blam!
Yo, my man.

Karate man.
Okay, karate man, do you

mind?
We're on a date right now.

A date?
So that's how you're living now,

Sharon?
Karate man what do you want

from me?
Okay, you said you wanted your

space so I gave it to you.
You're right, you're right.

But losing you was my only
regret.

You only have one regret?
[ Laughter ]

Anyway, I'll go.
I don't mean to ruin your feng

shui.
Well, you are.

Take care of her, man.
She likes her butt slapped.

[ Laughter ]
I am so, so sorry.

Wow.
Two exes in a row, what are the

odds?
And he broke up with you?

I wish.
He just ghosted me.

Maybe we should just go inside.
We can't, they're like at 2%

capacity.
Where are you meeting these

dudes?
Oh, well, work mostly.

Look, I don't want to talk about
them.

Tell me about you.
What do you do?

Well, I just made partner at
the law firm I work at.

First person of color.
Wow!

Yeah.
Is that Sharon?

[ Laughter ]
Another one?

That is Sharon.
I see you trying to hide from

me, girl, I'd recognize that pit
meat anyway.

Hey, robot.
Been awhile.

Remember my dog, astro?
You got a little chocolate daddy

now.
I ain't mad at ya.

What did you call me?
I ain't got time to flap, I'm

late for a protest.
They're trying to close down the

peep world on eighth Avenue.
Just take them, robot.

I'll see you around, sugar.
Okay, tell me you didn't date

him too.
No, he's just a work friend.

But we had a lot of sex.
Eww.

Where the hell do you work?
Just around the corner.

I told you, I'm an Elsa.
An Elsa?

Yeah, I'm a Times Square
Elsa.

First woman of color, by the
way.

Okay, you definitely never
told me that.

Remember?
I said I was a Princess?

I thought that meant your dad
was rich.

Look, I'm sorry if this is
all too weird.

Maybe I should leave.
No.

No, no, wait, look.
I'm not going to judge you based

off your past, all right?
Let's forget all that and start

over, all right?
Deal?

Yeah.
Duane?

Is that you, Duane?
Oh, hey, Kristin.

Who is this bitch?
[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen, Justin
bieber.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪
♪ I hear a lot about sinners

don't think that
I'll be a Saint

but I might go down ♪
♪ to the river

'cause the way that the
sky opens up when we touch

yeah it's making me say ♪
♪ that the way you hold me

hold me hold me
hold me hold me

feels so ♪
♪ holy holy holy holy holy

oh god
runnin' to the altar

like a track star ♪
♪ can't wait another second

the way you
hold me hold me hold me

hold me hold me ♪
♪ feels so holy

I don't do well
with the drama

and no I can't stand it ♪
♪ being fake

no no no no no no no no
I don't believe in nirvana

but the way that we love in the
night gave me life baby I can't

explain that the way you hold me
hold me hold me ♪

♪ feels so holy holy holy holy
oh god ♪

♪ runnin' to the altar
like a track star

can't wait another second
'cause the way you ♪

♪ hold me hold me hold me
hold me hold me

feels so holy
they say we're ♪

♪ too young and
the pimps and the players

say don't go crushing
wise men say fools rush in ♪

♪ but I don't know
they say we're

too young and
the pimps and the players ♪

♪ say don't go crushing
wise men say fools rush in

but I don't know
chance the rapper ♪

♪ the first step
pleases the father

might be the hardest
to take ♪

♪ but when you come out
of the water

I'm a believer
my heart is fleshy ♪

♪ life is short with a
temper like Joe pesci

they want to come and sing your
praises ♪

♪ your name is catchy
but they don't see you

how I see you
parlay and desi ♪

♪ cross tween tween
hit the jet speed

when they get messy
go lefty like Lionel messi ♪

♪ let's take a trip
and get the vespas

or rent a jetski
I know the spots that ♪

♪ got the best weed
we goin' next week

I wanna I wanna honor you
♪ father's child

I know when the son
takes the first steps

the father's proud ♪
♪ if you make it

to the water
he'll part the clouds

I know he made you a ♪
♪ snack like Oscar proud

suffer it to be so now
gotta clean it up

formalize the union ♪
♪ in communion he can trust

I know I ain't leaving you
like I know

he ain't leaving us ♪
♪ I know we believe in god

and I know
god believes in us ♪

♪ the way you hold me
hold me hold me

hold me hold me
feels so ♪

♪ holy holy holy holy holy
oh god

runnin' to the altar
like a track star ♪

♪ can't wait another second
oh god

runnin' to the altar
like a track star ♪

♪ can't wait another second
oh god

runnin' to the altar
like a track star ♪

♪ can't wait another second
the way you hold me

hold me hold me
hold me feels so holy ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's "weekend update" with
Colin jost and Michael che.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.

Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update."

I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.

This week, President Trump held
more coronavirus give-aways

across the country.
As part of his "herd immunity"

tour.
He started in Florida and showed

off how healthy his brain is,
saying this.

They say I'm immune, I can
feel -- I feel so powerful.

[ Laughter ]
Yeah.

Nothing says I'm off steroids
like screaming, I feel so

powerful!
Like Ross from "the gonies."

Then at a rally in Pennsylvania,
a congressman literally crowd

surfed, I guess on the second
wave of COVID, yet Trump seemed

to think he could lose this
election.

Listen to this reserve.
Could you imagine if I lose?

My whole life, what am I going
to do?

I'm going to say, I lost to the
worst candidate in the history

of politics.
I'm not going to feel so good.

Maybe I'll have to leave the
country, I don't know.

Hey.
Don't make promises you don't

intend to keep.
[ Laughter ]

Besides, no other country would
accept you, because you come

from America which has way too
many COVID cases.

[ Laughter ]
Though it would be very

satisfying if this all ends with
Donald Trump becoming an illegal

immigrant.
[ Laughter ]

To whatever country gets Trump,
I just want to apologize,

because we're not sending our
best or our brightest.

[ Laughter ]

Nbc held a town hall event
with President Trump because,

what can I say, we have a type.
[ Laughter and moans ]

I'm sorry you guys don't like
it.

Who are these town halls even
for?

Who's still on the fence about
this election?

Whether you're voting for Trump
or biden, you've definitely made

up your mind and you're probably
not thrilled about it.

These choices are so bad that
kanye's running and people are

like, maybe?
[ Laughter ]

That wouldn't happen if we had
actual, good candidates.

When Kennedy was running against
Nixon nobody was like, what

about little Richard?
[ Laughter ]

C-span suspended debate
moderator Steve sculley after

falsely claiming his Twitter
account was hacked.

Wow.
Just more juicy drama from those

messy bitches at c-span.
[ Laughter ]

According to insiders, U.S.
intelligence agencies warned the

White House last year that Rudy
giuliani was a target of an

influence operation by Russian
intelligence.

I'm actually more worried about
Russian intelligence if their

plan was to rely on the American
Mr. Bean.

[ Laughter ]
Counting on Rudy to carry out

your secret mission is like
handing your grocery list to

your dog.
[ Laughter ]

It was also reported that after
President Trump was warned that

giuliani was being fed
misinformation by the Russians,

Trump just shrugged his
shoulders and said, that's Rudy.

That's Rudy, Thursdays on CBS.
This week, President Trump

also refused to condemn the
conspiracy group q-anon, saying,

I know nothing about q-anon.
Which come on, how could he not

know about q-anon?
He's on Twitter all day.

That would be like if I say, I
know nothing about Lexington

steel!
Nothing.

[ Laughter ]
I think he's probably just never

heard the word "q-anon" out loud
before.

When he got home he was like,
oh, you meant canyon?

Love those dudes!

It's been a bumpy couple of
weeks for the Trump family.

Here is an update from first
sons Eric and Don Trump Jr.

Hey, Colin.
Thanks for having us.

Great -- great to see you
guys.

Let's lose the mask, buddy,
can't hear you.

Oh, it's wet!
Have you been chewing on it,

buddy?
No.

Okay.
I'm very glad -- I'm very glad

to see you both healthy.
Oh, yeah.

Healthy and thriving, Colin.
I've been out on the campaign

trail superspreading my father's
message.

And Eric had his very first zoom
business meeting today.

I was muted.
You were.

[ Laughter ]
So good.

Did great.
Most polls show your father

trailing Joe biden.
Is he worried about losing

re-election?
Dad isn't worried about

losing this election.
In fact, he's terrified.

No.

No, he's not.
Because, Colin, he knows his

base will show up on election
day.

In fact, he calls all his
supporters --

white trash.
No.

[ Laughter ]
No, he does not.

He does not.
Yep, and he does that voice,

ha ha!
No.

Do you want some hand sanitizer,
buddy?

Why don't you do that?
You've been touching stuff all

day.
Look, Colin.

Be careful with that, buddy.
Sleepy creepy Joe doesn't have

the stamina to pull off a win
here.

I'll tell you why.
His platform is just reheated

Obama-era policies that -- Eric,
Eric -- did you drink it again?

Dad said it was fine.
[ Laughter ]

It's not, buddy.
Come on.

98% alcohol.
You okay?

[ Laughter ]
Uh-huh.

So your father's confident
he's going to win in November?

Oh, yeah.
And the whole family -- the

whole family has got his back.
Just ask our sister Tiffany.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Happy birthday to me!
Hi, Colin.

Hi, Tiffany.
I see you're still celebrating

your birthday.
Even though you got some flack

in the press.
Yeah, the media got all butt

hurt because I was part of a
mass gathering in Miami in a

boat.
But my name is Tiffany, it's

kind of my job to get faded on
south beach.

She's kidding, Colin.
Don, Don, Don, who is that

lady?
That's your sister, Eric.

Wait, tiff, I don't know if you
and Eric have ever officially

met.
Not in person, no.

Hi, not-vanka.
Tiffany, I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm used to it.
No, hey, Tiffany, I have to

ask, are you worried about
spreading COVID to your party

guests, considering your father
just had it?

Oh, no, daddy's always taken
the six-foot social distance

rule very seriously with me.
As you can see, Colin, we're a

united front.
And we know dad is going to win

no matter what the dems try to
stir up, Colin.

Like this latest debt nonsense.
Please.

My dad doesn't owe $400 million,
he owes --

$800 million.
No.

Absolutely not.
He owes --

$1 billion.
No, he owes a little.

But Colin, you know how my dad
does business.

He goes big or --
he goes to jail.

No.
I can't handle them both.

The first kids, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]

According to Google,
according to Google,

the top Halloween costume
searches this year are for

witch, dinosaur, or Harley
Quinn.

Or you can combine all three by
going as kellyanne Conway.

[ Laughter ]

The Latin American wife of
Pennsylvania's lieutenant

governor claims she was called a
racist slur while at the grocery

store.
It's the worst case of racism at

the grocery store since every
jar of Newman's own salsa.

Police reported that someone
stole a 21-year-old ring-tailed

lemur from the San Francisco
zoo.

For reference, this is what a
21-year-old ring-tailed lemur

looks like.
[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]
Voters across the country

are making their final decisions
on this election.

We sent our very own aidy Bryant
to check in with real voters out

there in the heart land in our
new segment, "aidy in America."

♪ Aidy in America ♪
aidy, how's it going out

there?
Not good, Colin.

It's going pretty bad.
Oh, okay.

Well, where are you?
Um -- I don't know.

Okay.
Well, have you spoken to any

undecided voters?
No, I have not.

Haven't found a single one yet.
I'm sorry.

♪ Aidy in America ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

Fisher price has launched an
online museum showcasing its

toys over 90 years.
Or you can see them in person at

America's famous toy museum, the
neverland ranch.

[ Audience moans ]
I thought you wouldn't like

that.

According to new research,
men with deeper voices are more

likely to cheat on their
partners.

[ Using deep voice ]
But you can't believe

scientists, baby.
[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]
Is that "voice blackface"?

Police in Ohio say that a
report of a homeless man

sleeping on a bench turned out
to be a statue, which was a huge

relief, because they shot it 15
times.

[ Laughter and moans ]
Oh, man!

A woman flying to Detroit
said she woke up to a pastor

urinating on her.
Which explains why her dream was

about being baptized.

People in the art industry
have criticized four different

museums' plans to exhibit
features of kkk.

If you want to see portraits of
klansmen, you can always search

A restaurant in San
Francisco is selling a fried

chicken sandwich that includes
the chicken claw.

Not to be outdone, kfc just
announced their new beaks-only

bucket.
[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]
New York City bars and clubs

have been closed for seven
months due to the pandemic.

Here to comment on the state of
the night life industry is

famous '80s cocaine wife Carla.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi!
Hi, Michael, how are you, baby?

I'm great, Carla.
Yeah?

Yeah, you good?
Yeah.

How's the family?
How's Kate?

She good?
Kenan?

Ha ha, you know kenan makes me
laugh, Michael.

He makes me laugh.
Yeah, yeah, they're good,

everybody's good.
Yeah?

So where's the after party?
Where we going tonight, Michael?

There's no after party,
Carla, there's a virus.

No party?
Oh, come on, Michael.

Where's the party.
Emilio's?

Canolios?
You, me, lon, and a fat lasagna

at 3:00 A.M., Michael?
There's no party.

We all have to go to work and we
want to keep everybody safe.

But I want to dance, Michael.
I want to dance.

Dance with me.
Colin will dance with me, baby.

Colin loves beautiful women.
Yeah, I just -- I don't want

to be involved in this.
[ Laughter ]

No, you know what?
I just -- I saw on your

monitor -- I got to powder my
nose.

Oh, Carla, no, Carla, what
are you doing?

I'm good, I'm good, Michael,
I'm good.

Carla, you're supposed to be
here to talk about night life.

A lot of people have lost their
jobs.

Job?
I don't have a job, Michael.

I'm a home wrecker, plaintiff?
Of course, my husband Bobby has

a lot of men working for him.
Oh, yeah?

What exactly does your husband
do?

Scaffolding garbage
construction.

[ Laughter ]
He'd be jealous if he knew I was

talking to you.
Let's call him.

No, I don't think that's a
good idea.

Hi, hi, baby.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's me.

No, good, I'm at church.
[ Laughter ]

No, no, I'm not with Michael,
that's done.

Wait, what's done?
Yeah, he's right here.

Michael, he wants to talk to
you, and he's really angry,

Michael.
No!

You know what contractorly, I
think it's time for you to go,

really.
Oh, Michael!

No!
Don't get rid of me, Michael.

Sure, have a little rust around
the edges.

But I'm still the same girl you
met at the "update" desk a few

years ago.
Let me give you a sign, Michael.

No!
You really need to calm down.

You calm down!
Ow!

You're hurting me, Michael, ow!
Ow!

Nobody is touching you.
Okay.

Hold on.
I need to powder my nose.

So.
Where's the after party?

Carla, everybody!
>>

♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]

Good morning.
It's "your voice Chicago."

I'm j. Louis tibbs coming to you
this Sunday at 7:30 A.M. right

before a two-hour commercial for
a pot that you can cook a steak

in.
Joining me to talk local

politics are lead counsel for
Chicago's naacp, Janelle Davey,

and a freelance writer for "the
root," Lisa crowder.

Now, there's so much talk about
the national election, but today

we focus on the local
candidates.

Which are so important,
representation begins at the

street level.
Indeed, indeed.

So Janelle, any strategy that
you're using to vet some of

these candidates?
Louis, I'll be honest, I'm

voting for everybody black.
Everybody black?

That's right.
For too long, our people's

voices have not been heard.
It's our duty to stand together

and take our power back.
Okay, okay, I hear you.

Representation matters.
So let's first look at cook

county's 3rd district where
four-time incumbent frank

polaski is running against
29-year-old lawyer Charlotte

Raines.
Charlotte has no experience in

politics --
which is exactly why we need

her.
This is what I'm talking about,

new voices.
It's the only way any change

will happen.
Okay, I like that.

You bet on black, girl.
Okay, look like we got a

favorite there.
Let's go to district 10, which

features a billionaire.
Incumbent Scott trebor is

running against the challenger
Rashad Carter.

A billionaire?
Now see, how can someone who's

so rich know anything about us?
Money corrupts the whole system.

Well, actually, rashard
Carter is the billionaire.

He owns a software company.
I find that so inspiring.

We need more entrepreneurs like
that in our community.

Look, at least he pays his
taxes.

That's right.
I got to go with the democrat on

this one.
Well, Scott trebor is the

democrat, Rashad Carter is a
libertarian.

Which is what I like about
him.

[ Laughter ]
He's an independent thinker.

Okay, great.
Let's go to the city comp

patroller race between democrat
Catherine Lacy and independent

candidate the reverend Deangelo
banks --

no, sorry, I knew this man in
elementary school.

For some reason he had a dooky
stain on his shoulder.

He's a pastor now?
He's only been a reverend

eight months.
He has no church.

He says god has got him on
lay-away.

Let's take a look at one of his
recent town halls.

Hey, to the man, yes, friend.
The rumors are true.

I've spent money on a lot of
strippers.

But you have to understand, that
was only because I owned a chain

of strip clubs.
I put that life behind me right

after the clubs were shut down
for tax fraud.

Hallelujah.
Outlamas tour base.

I love it, amen!
Looks like that town hall

took place outside of a dry
cleaner's.

Do we like reverend banks?
Absolutely.

Come on, you just said he
committed tax fraud.

The comptroller handles the
city's money.

Which is perfect, he knows
the system, all the loopholes.

It would be like hiring Wesley
snipes to do your taxes.

Okay.
Let's go over to district 6

where the district's first Asian
representative, Daniel Lee, is

running against a conservative
online duo that was featured on

fox news and recently spoke at
the cpac convention, crystal and

caviar.
I didn't know it was legal to

run as a team.
Oh, it's not.

Either way, their newest
livestream video came out today.

Why don't we take a look.

The media is always putting
out fake news!

Always.
They say our president lies.

Come on!
He is not a liar.

Well, sometimes he just
exxagerbates.

They say we got to wear a
mask in the grocery store.

Nope.
But I don't need a mask.

I, I'm so blessed.
♪ the mask is bad the

mask is bad ♪
♪ can't go all day

smelling my
own breath ♪

Okay.
Janelle, your thoughts on

crystal and caviar?
Give me a minute.

I'm sorry, but these two have
absolutely no --

wait, I got it.
Stay with me.

These ladies are passionate.
And we need more of that in

politics, right?
I guess.

And Daniel Lee has been in
office for 18 years now.

We want someone who's been out
there working in the real world,

right?
Both crystal and caviar are

unemployed.
Which is why we need to give

them jobs as state
representatives.

Lift them up.
Okay, I'm lifting but

sometimes it's hard.
Not really that hard.

Why don't we take a break.
When we come back, we'll talk

about the presidential race
between Donald Trump, Joe biden,

and kanye west.
Kanye?

At him!
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, issa.

Hi, Kyle, what's up?
Hanging.

How's the week been?
What are you doing?

Nothing.
Just chilling.

♪ You know it you know it get
down on it ♪

Seems like you're dancing
pretty hard over there.

Really?
Not that I noticed.

♪ Yo ♪
stop.

Is this just because Justin
bieber's here?

Justin?
♪♪♪

Oh, yeah, Justin bieber.
The cute singer?

Wait, did you think if I saw
you dancing, I would be so blown

away I'd tell him about it?
No.

Yes.
I'm the host.

I don't, like, recommend
dancers.

Got it.
♪ what you want baby I got it

what you need you know I got
it ♪

I'm not going to let you do
aretha like that.

Look, even if you were a backup
dancer, you've got something

like that.
He's more into something --

♪ we about the funky sound we
about to get it down whoa whoa

whoa ♪
you dance well.

Yeah, just a little --
♪♪♪

♪ funk jam in the future ♪
♪ funk jam to survive ♪

♪ whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa ♪

Give the rapper a chance.
Yeah, um -- you might know me

from my show "insecure.
Yes, I really like that.

Thanks.
Cool.

Could you guys let Justin know
that I came by?

Oh, aren't you performing
with him?

Yeah, but he doesn't know I
can do this.

♪ You've got to jam when you
can ♪

♪ you've got to jam when you
can ♪

We have no chance.
But if we combine forces --

yeah, what was that thing you
did earlier?

♪ Got to bring that funk ♪
yeah!

I have your COVID results.
You're positive.

Oh, yeah.
So you have to leave.

Right.
♪ get down with it ♪

No, you have to leave now.
Issa.

♪ What you want ♪
you got to go, man.

Not going to do that.
Okay, here's your stuff.

Please leave, sir.
Yeah.

Well.
What can I say?

My life is random.
Okay, don't talk to the

once again, Justin bieber.
♪♪♪

♪ everybody knows
my name now

but something 'bout it
still feels strange ♪

♪ looking in a mirror
trying to steady yourself

and seeing somebody else
and everything is ♪

♪ not the same now
it feels like all our

lives have changed
maybe when I'm older ♪

♪ it'll all calm down
but it's killing me now

what if you had it all
with nobody to call ♪

♪ maybe then you'd know me
'cause I've had everything

but no one's listening
and that's just ♪

♪ oh so lonely
I'm so lonely

lonely
everybody knows ♪

♪ my past now
like my house was

always made of glass
and maybe that's the ♪

♪ price you pay
for the money and fame

at an early age
and everybody saw me sick ♪

♪ and it felt like
no one gave a

they criticized
the things I did ♪

♪ as an idiot kid
what if you had it all

but nobody to call
maybe then you'd know me ♪

♪ cause I've had everything
but no one's listening

and that's just
oh so lonely ♪

♪ I'm so lonely
lonely

I'm so lonely
lonely ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Due to COVID-19 stay-at-home
restrictions, Jack flatts has

been unable to serve our
delicious retro burgers and

shakes indoors.
We know how much our loyal

customers miss coming in and
enjoying Jack flatts classic

American fare and our servers'
hilarious wise-cracking

attitudes.
But we're still here serving the

community as best we can by
offering free curbside pickup

and delivery.
Open up Jack flatts now!

Enough of this new normal crap!
I want to eat at a restaurant

where the waiters make fun of
you!

I don't care what the state
says!

Open it!
If you don't open up Jack

flatts, I'm going to --
you're not the governor.

I want the waiters to tease
me while I'm eating, saying

like, you sure you can eat all
of that, big boy?

I want to get teased without
a mask so I can hear what

they're saying!
If I don't get teased without a

mask --
I'll kidnap the governor!

I'll kidnap the governor!
Hey, this is my best friend,

Ruben.
We have the same birthday except

he's 19 years older, and every
year we go to Jack flatts to

celebrate.
Now we can't?

Open up the playground.
Okay -- but --

but mainly open up Jack
flatts!

Otherwise, me and Ruben --
we'll tie up the governor,

tied her somewhere.
I miss it.

I miss the wacko fries.
I miss the Joe schmoe burger.

The flat melt.
Smash pies.

If you don't open Jack
flatts, me, Trevor, Corey,

Roman, we're going to do it!
I don't like the masks.

I always get it upside down.
I can't see smiles!

This is Trish, the funniest
waitress at Jack flatts.

I showed up for curbside with
mustard on my shirt, and she

didn't even make fun of me.
Just let it fly.

Okay, I don't know what's
going on, but this dude told me

if I quit my shift he would give
me $1,000 and put me in a movie.

I get it.

I get it.
Not everybody likes to be

teased.
Don't come here, then!

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real you, just you as a
customer!

Is this like a porno?
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want to get that $1,000.
You have to open up Jack

flatts!
No masks!

Joe schmoe burger and wacko
fries, free endless fries and

refills.
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otherwise --
governor?

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Drive a truck into the

governor's mansion.
Blow past the guards.

Smash up.
One of the guys in the

one of the guys in the
jacked-up Van is in like our

group, and he wants to go back
and play their hits!

George Washington wanted the
British to tease him!

He fought them to have that and
as soon as the British

government said no more teasing,
not allowed to tease that man,

what did George Washington do?
Kidnapped them.

King, prince, everybody.
Made it back to the old

normal again!

At Jack flatts, we hope to
see you soon.

We spend so much on things
we need.

What about the things we want?
I want to better myself.

I want to treat myself.
I want to enjoy myself.

The things we buy to invest
in our lives.

Oil paints.
An instrument to learn.

An elliptical.
The things that aren't about

our to-do list but about our
bucket list.

Rosetta stone Italian.
Ice cream maker.

Roller skates.
You've been home eight months

and you didn't touch them once.
Now you have to sell them.

With ebay.
I spent $80 on embroidery

equipment back in march.
But then I just stared at my

phone, and I looked up, and now
it's October.

I've always wanted to cook
more, so I bought a $400 chef's

knife I only use to open Amazon
packages.

Guitars hurt.
No one tells you that.

I don't like feeling hurt.
You always wished for more

free time so you could get
around to them.

And then you were quarantined.
And instead of reading "the

odyssey," you watched every
episode of "selling sunset.

So this is a house.
So now you know.

I thought I wanted to learn
how to box to connect with my

deceased father.
Turns out I want to lay on the

couch and watch women lose their
damn minds.

Go ahead and sell that stuff.
Not to worry.

If you find yourself buying
something new on our site,

ebay's making it easier than
ever to fail hard with our new

service, prebay.
Where we intercept your latest

overly optimistic purchase and
take it right back before you

even open it.
Look, you had your chance.

And all the time in the world.
Don't be shy.

If you admit that it's unused,
you'll make more money.

Ebay.
This commercial doesn't apply to

you if you worked or had kids.
Oh, my pasta maker's here!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you to Justin bieber,
Jim carrey, Alec Baldwin, Maya

Rudolph, chance the rapper,
Benny blanco.

Thank you guys so much.
This has been incredible.

Y'all get out there and vote,
please, god, vote!

Thank you for having me, such a
blessing to be here, amazing!

[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪

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