Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 2 - Bill Burr/Jack White - full transcript
Host Bill Burr; Jack White performs.
AND NOW THE THING THAT WILL
CHANGE EVERYONE'S MINDS.
THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
I'M SUSAN PAGE AND I MISSED
BOOK CLUB FOR THIS
TONIGHT WE'LL BE DISCUSSING A
WHO CARES NUMBER OF TOPICS, EACH
LASTING I COULDN'T TELL YOU
MINUTES.
- BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE, IF
- ANYTHING'S GOING TO BE TRENDING
- ON TWITTER TONIGHT, IT WILL BE
- ONE OF THE HUMANS INVOLVED IN
THIS DEBATE.
LET'S WELCOME THEM NOW
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE.
AND SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
THE SENATOR FROM CALIFORNIA IS
PRESENT.
THANK YOU, SENATOR.
TONIGHT YOU'LL NOTICE BETWEEN
THE CANDIDATES WE'VE INSTALLED
BUFFET-STYLE SNEEZE GUARDS, ON
ACCOUNT OF ONE OF YOU WORKS FOR
PATIENT ZERO
IT'S ACTUALLY FINE BY ME,
SUZANNE.
- 12 FEET APART AND SEPARATED BY
- PLEXIGLASS IS HOW MOTHER AND I
- SLEEP.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MY FIRST
- QUESTION IS FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU
- THE TOPIC IS CORONAVIRUS.
- DAMMIT.
NOW, YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF
THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE, AND
- SINCE YOU TOOK CHARGE, OVER
- 200,000 AMERICANS HAVE DIED.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
WELL, SUSAN, I'D LIKE TO
BEGIN BY STALLING, HARD.
WE'RE IN UTAH, WOW
WHAT A MAGNIFICENT STATE
EVEN THOUGH THEIR BASKETBALL
TEAM IS NAMED AFTER MY GREATEST
FEAR, JAZZ
- I YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY
- TIME.
ALL RIGHT
SENATOR HARRIS
THIS IS WHAT THEY DO,
SUZANNE.
- THEY AVOID TAKING ANY
- RESPONSIBILITY -
- WE DO NOT.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I'M
SPEAKING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- SPEAKING.
- WELL, I'M JUST TRYING -
STILL SPEAKING.
BUT I -
SEE, I'M SPEAKING
I'M SPEAKING RIGHT NOW, ARIZONA,
CALIFORNIA, SOME MART PARTS OF,
I'M SPEAKING.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DON'T THINK YOU DO.
- I DO.
- BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING AND
I'M SPEAKING
THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS
- CONSISTENTLY LIED TO US ABOUT
- THE VIRUS.
THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO KEEP US
CALM
- LET ME ASK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
- THIS
HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING
- TO GET YOUR NEXT ROLL OF TOILET
- PAPER?
- HM
- HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU WERE
STARING AT THAT CARDBOARD TUBE
WHEN YOU FINISHED THE ROLL, AND
YOU THOUGHT, WELL, IT'S
TECHNICALLY PAPER?
AND HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN EVEN
THAT TUBE WAS GONE AND YOU
LOOKED AT YOUR OLD T-SHIRTS AND
A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND THOUGHT,
ARE WE DOING THIS?
NOW, I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE VICE
PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE, AND WHILE
HE SPEAKS, I'M GOING TO SMILE AT
HIM LIKE I'M IN A TJ MAXX AND A
WHITE LADY ASKS ME IF I WORK
HERE
LOOK.
I PROMISE YOU THE PRESIDENT HAS
TAKEN THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY SINCE
THE VERY BEGINNING OF LAST WEEK.
OKAY, SO NOW, SUSAN WHAT I'M
GOING TO DO IS I'M GOING TO
MORE OF A CLAIR HUXTABLE SIDE
EYE.
- PRESIDENT TRUMP PUTS THE
- HEALTH OF ALL AMERICANS WAY
AHEAD OF HIS OWN PERSONAL AND
FINANCIAL GAIN
- HM.
- OKAY, SO NOW WHAT I'M GOING TO
DO IS I'M GOING TO FIX MY FACE
SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M
- THINKING
- BUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN AT HOME
KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING.
AND A FEW OF THE WHITE WOMEN
AND ALL OF THE GAYS.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT COVID.
LET'S FOCUS ON THE TWO ISSUES
AMERICANS DO CARE ABOUT.
SWINE FLU AND FRACKING
IF ANYONE SHOULD BE TALKING
ABOUT FRACKING, IT'S MY GUY, JOE
BIDEN.
JOE BIDEN FRACS IN HIS FREE
TIME
JOE BIDEN WILL FRACK YOU SO
GOOD, PENNSYLVANIA
- AND WHILE I PERSONALLY WANTED TO
- BAN FRACKING, NOW THAT I KNOW
PENNSYLVANIA LOVES IT, I JUST
WANT TO SAY THIS
YOUS GOISE CAN BET ON YOUR WAWA
CHEESESTEAK HOAGIE AND ALL THE
WATER IN THE SCHUYLKILL RIVER ON
BIDEN FRACKING, AND GO EAGLES.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I HAVE TO
- ASK THIS
- WHAT IS THE CURRENT HEALTH OF
- PRESIDENT TRUMP?
THANK YOU FOR ASKING, SUSAN
OH, I WASN'T ASKING OUT OF
SYMPATHY, MIKE, I WAS ASKING
I'VE A SIMMERING RAGE FOR HIS
INCOMPETENCE AND A SADISTIC HOPE
THAT HE IS NOT WELL.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THEN,
THE PRESIDENT IS DOING AMAZING
THANKS TO HIS TEAM OF TERRIFIED
DOCTORS.
- AS YOU HEARD FROM HIS PRIMARY
- PHYSICIAN, DR. HANDSOME LIAR,
TRUMP IS IN PEAK PHYSICAL
CONDITION.
- UH-HUH.
- AND TO BE CLEAR, WHAT
- IS
- MEDICATIONS HAS THE PRESIDENT
- TAKEN?
- ALMOST NONE, SUSAN.
- HE'S TAKEN ASPIRIN, WHICH HE'S
- ALWAYS TAKEN
AN INJECTION OF EXPERIMENTAL
MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES.
A MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AMOUNT
OF STEROIDS.
A WOMAN'S PROBIOTIC FOR BALANCE.
60 CCs OF HELIUM INTO HIS SKULL
SO HIS HEAD DOESN'T FALL OVER ON
TV
SO LIKE A BALLOON HEAD?
THAT'S CORRECT.
LIKE A BALLOON HEAD, YES
HE'S ALSO TAKING VIAGRA FOR
MORALE, AND SOME HORNY GOAT WEED
HE BOUGHT AT A GAS STATION,
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT BELIEVES
IN MEDICINE.
- UNLIKE SENATOR HARRIS, WHO SAID
- SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE A
VACCINE.
IF DR. FAUCI SAYS A VACCINE
IS GOOD, I WILL BE THE FIRST IN
LINE LIKE IT'S AN ANN TAYLOR
SAMPLE SALE.
BUT IF TRUMP SAYS IT'S SAFE, I
- WILL THROW THAT VACCINE IN THE
- TRASH LIKE LASTWEEK'S SHRIMP
PAD THAI
BESIDES, MAMA'S GOT ALL THE
- VACCINE SHE NEEDS RIGHT HERE
- SENATOR HARRIS, IF ELECTED,
WOULD YOU PACK THE SUPREME
COURT?
SUSAN, INSTEAD OF ANSWERING
THAT EXACT QUESTION, I'D LIKE TO
- TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHEN JOE
- PICKED ME TO BE HIS RUNNING
MATE
JOE TOLD ME WE WERE JUST GOING
- OUT FOR DINNER
- THEN HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW
THAT HE NEEDED HELP UP
AFTER THAT, HE GATHERED HIMSELF
AND SAID, "KA-MAH-LA, LET'S DO
THIS.
AND I SAID, "IT'S KAMALA.
AND HE SAID, "I WILL NEVER, EVER
GET THAT RIGHT.
- THAT'S VERY SWEET
- AND VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, HOW
DID PRESIDENT TRUMP ASK YOU?
HE TEXTED ME.
- OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE
- RELIGIOUS PSYCHOS MADE ME PICK
- PENCE.
- THEN HE TEXTED, OOPS, WRONG
PERSON
HE HASN'T TEXTED ME SINCE.
OH, EXCEPT IN MARCH HE WROTE,
CORONAVIRUS, YOURS NOW
- AND I'M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU
- DO TO STOP THAT VIRUS?
- BECAUSE JOE BIDEN AND I HAVE A
- PLAN -
- OH, LIKE SWINE FLU?
- WHAT?
SWINE FLU
2 MILLION DEAD
2 MILLION
IF YOU INCLUDE THE SWINE.
THOSE POOR LITTLE PIGGIES.
OKAY, THIS FOOL'S UP HERE
TALKING ABOUT DEAD PIGS.
LORD LOVE A DUCK.
KAMALA CAN'T GET A WORD IN
EDGEWISE
- THIS JOKER DROPS MORE ROAD
- APPLES THAN A BULL EATING A BRAN
- MUFFIN
- CALM DOWN, JOE, IT'S OKAY
NO, IT'S NOT, JILL.
I NEED TO DO SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELEPORT TO THAT
DEBATE AND SAVE THE SOUL OF THIS
NATION
WHOA, GOT UP TOO FAST.
SIR, THE TELEPORTATION
MACHINE'S NOT READY YET.
- IT NEEDS AT LEAST SIX MORE
- MONTHS
YOU HEARD HIM, JOE, IT'S TOO
DANGEROUS.
AND WHAT ABOUT COVID PROTOCOLS
DON'T WORRY, I'LL WEAR A
MASK
ON MY EYES
AND THAT IS HOW PRESIDENT
TRUMP WILL MAKE THE ECONOMY
BETTER BY MAKING IT WORSE.
I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, VICE
- PRESIDENT PENCE.
- THERE'S A...
- WAR ON POLICE IN THIS
- COUNTRY?
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
NO, NO, THERE'S A... UM...
THERE'S A GIANT...
LACK OF RESPECT FOR MILITIAS?
YOU'RE DARN RIGHT.
NO.
SENATOR HARRIS, HELP ME OUT.
OH, NO, I'M GOOD.
LOOKING REAL GOOD, MIKE, KEEP IT
UP
LET ME AT HIM
LET ME AT HIM!
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, DO YOU
- NOT FEEL THAT AT ALL
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL,
SUSAN.
I FEEL FOR THE BUSINESSES THAT
ARE GOING TO BE CRIPPLED BY JOE
BIDEN'S TAX CUTS
YES, YES.
YOUR ECONOMY IS SO IN THE
- TOILET
- I WANT TO LAY MY EGGS ON IT.
WHAT, WHAT
OH, NO, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
- A FLY IN THE TELEPORTATION
- MACHINE.
THAT'S WHY JOE TURNED INTO A
FLY.
YEAH, BUT THAT DOESN'T
EXPLAIN WHY HE SOUNDS LIKE JEFF
GOLDBLUM
GOD CREATED DINOSAURS
DINOSAURS BECOME REPUBLICANS
REPUBLICANS CREATE TRUMP
TRUMP DESTROYS GOD
HM
- OH, NO.
- NOW HE'S GONE FULL GOLDBLUM.
EVEN HAS THE GLASSES.
THE MOST POPULAR PLACE TO FIND A
PLACE.
- NO, NO - YES, YES
BECAUSE LIFE FINDS A WAY
MR. VICE PRESIDENT?
YES
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THERE'S
- ANOTHER ONE.
- ANOTHER ANTIFA RALLY?
NO SURPRISE THERE.
OH, HONEY, AT THIS POINT I'M
JUST ENJOYING THE SHOW
MAN, WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS
MIKE PENCE TRYING TO PULL?
DO TELL, DO TELL.
WAIT... I'M SORRY... FRIEND, YOU
LOOK FAMILIAR.
WELL, I BETTER.
I'M HERMAN CAIN.
REINCARNATED AS A DAMN FLY
AND THESE FOOLS, TRUMP AND
PENCE, KILLED ME, MAN.
THEY INVITED ME TO A RALLY WITH
NO MASK AND SAID, EVERYTHING'S
FINE, HERMAN
I TELL CORONA, IT DON'T TELL ME,
EVERYTHING IS FINE, HERMAN
THE WHITE HOUSE DOCTORS CHECK ME
OUT, EVERYTHING'S FINE, HERMAN
THREE DAYS LATER, I GET IT
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME,
DON'T TRUST THIS WHITE DEVIL
ABOUT THAT RONA.
- VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, I... I
- THINK ONE OF YOUR FLIES IS
SCREAMING AT YOU
GONNA GIVE YOU THE RONA
- OKAY, I THINK WE NEED TO SHUT
- THIS DEBATE DOWN FOR THE GOOD OF
HUMANITY
SENATOR HARRIS, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO DO WHAT EVERYONE AT HOME
WANTS TO DO?
OH, I WOULD
FLIES, ANYTHING ELSE YOU
WOULD LIKE TO ADD?
AM I DYING AGAIN?
- BE AFRAID - BE VERY AFRAID
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT
IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE.
WITH -
BECK BENNETT
AIDY BRYANT,
MICHAEL CHE,
PETE DAVIDSON,
MIKEY DAY,
HEIDI GARDNER,
COLIN JOST
KATE McKINNON,
ALEX MOFFAT,
KYLE MOONEY,
EGO NWODIM
CHRIS REDD
CECILY STRONG,
KENAN THOMPSON
MELISSA VILLASENOR
FEATURING...
ANDREW DISMUKES,
CHLOE FINEMAN,
LAUREN HOLT,
MIKEY JOHNSON,
BOWEN YANG
MUSICAL GUEST JACK WHITE
AND YOUR HOST, BILL BURR
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL BURR!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- THANK YOU.
I AM SO... I AM SO EXCITED TO BE
HERE
I HAVE BEEN DOING STANDUP
FOREVER.
AND THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A
LIFELONG DREAM OF MINE TO COME
- AND HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
- SO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
OUT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
COMING OUT DURING THESE
DIFFICULT TIMES.
YOU GOT TO LOOK LIKE SURGEONS
WITH YOUR MASKS ON
- MAKES ME FEEL COMFORTABLE THAT
- YOU'RE WEARING MASKS
- I LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR MASKS
- THAT'S GOOD.
- YOU'RE LISTENING TO THE
- EGGHEADS
THE PEOPLE WE ALL CHEATED OFF OF
IN HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?
KEEP LISTENING TO THEM
AND THEN IF YOU DON'T WEAR A
MASK, THAT DOESN'T BUG ME
EITHER, RIGHT?
TAKE OUT YOUR GRAND PARENTS.
YOU KNOW
TAKE OUT YOUR WEAK COUSIN WITH
THE ASTHMA, I DON'T CARE
IT'S YOUR DECISION
THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.
IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE
IF YOU'RE THAT DUMB AND YOU WANT
TO KILL YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS,
BY ALL MEANS, DO IT.
- STOPS YOU FROM REPRODUCING
- IT'S LITERALLY A DREAM COME
TRUE
AND SPEAKING OF DREAMS COME
TRUE... DID YOU SEE RICK MORANIS
GOT SUCKER PUNCHED ON THE UPPER
WEST SIDE?
NEW YORK IS BACK, BABY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
NEW YORK IS BACK, YES!
WE LOST OUR X-FACTOR FOR A
MINUTE
CITY STARTED LOOKING LIKE A
GIANT BED, BATH & BEYOND
- THEN BAM
- RICKY TOOK ONE IN THE CHOPS.
- IT HAD TO HAPPEN
- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
STICK AN M&Ms STORE IN TIMES
SQUARE, ALL RIGHT?
THE UNIVERSE HAS TO BALANCE
ITSELF
GET THE PEEP SHOWS BACK IN TIMES
SQUARE, OLD PEOPLE CAN WALK
SAFELY 40 BLOCKS AWAY.
I DON'T KNOW
I'LL PROBABLY GET CANCELED FOR
DOING THAT, YOU KNOW, HOW STUPID
THAT IS CANCELED THING
THEY'RE LITERALLY RUNNING OUT OF
- PEOPLE TO CANCEL
- THEY'RE GOING AFTER DEAD PEOPLE
- NOW.
- THEY'RE TRYING TO CANCEL JOHN
WAYNE.
IT'S LIKE, GOD DID THAT 40 YEARS
AGO.
THEY'RE ALL UP IN ARMS
THEY'RE LIKE DID YOU HEAR WHAT
HE SAID IN THAT INTERVIEW IN
"PLAYBOY" IN 1970?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT
IT'S LIKE, YEAH.
HE WAS BORN IN 1907.
THAT'S WHAT THESE PEOPLE SOUNDED
LIKE
YOU NEVER TALKED TO YOUR
GRANDPARENTS AND BROUGHT UP THE
- WRONG SUBJECT?
- ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY WENT OFF
THE RAILS?
LIKE OH, GOD
KEEP MAKING THE COOKIES.
YEAH, DON'T BRING UP RACE OR
RELIGION WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS.
YOU KEEP IT SIMPLE
ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW
I KNOW, I GET... MY GRANDPARENTS
ARE OLDER, I DON'T KNOW.
PLOWING AHEAD.
PLOWING AHEAD, LET'S TALK...
LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN HERE,
SHALL WE
LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN
- AMAZING.
- AMAZING YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS.
THE WAY WHITE WOMEN SOMEHOW
HIJACKED THE WOKE MOVEMENT
GENERALS AROUND THE WORLD SHOULD
BE ANALYZING THIS.
TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY, THE WOKE
- MOVEMENT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
- ABOUT PEOPLE OF COLOR.
NOT GETTING OPPORTUNITIES.
FINALLY MAKING THAT HAPPEN
- IT WAS ABOUT THAT, FOR ABOUT
- EIGHT SECONDS.
THEN SOMEHOW, WHITE WOMEN SWUNG
THEIR GUCCI-BOOTED FEET OVER THE
- FENCE OF OPPRESSION AND STUCK
- THEMSELVES AT THE FRONT OF THE
LINE
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DID IT
- I'VE NEVER HEARD SO MUCH
- COMPLAINING IN MY LIFE FROM
WHITE WOMEN.
I'M HURT
WITH MY SUV AND HEATED SEATS
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE ME
TRASHING WHITE GUYS.
- THE NERVE.
- WHERE'S THE CAMERA
THE NERVE OF YOU WHITE WOMEN
I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK ILL OF MY
BITCHES HERE, OKAY
- I KNOW
- LET'S GO BACK IN HISTORY HERE,
OKAY
YOU GUYS STOOD BY US TOXIC WHITE
MALES THROUGH CENTURIES OF OUR
CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.
YOU ROLLED AROUND IN THE BLOOD
MONEY.
- OCCASIONALLY WHEN YOU WANTED TO
- SNEAK OFF AND HOOK UP WITH A
BLACK DUDE, IF YOU GOT CAUGHT,
YOU SAID IT WASN'T CONSENSUAL.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!
THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!
SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, SIT
DOWN NEXT TO ME, AND TAKE YOUR
TALKING-TO
THANK YOU.
SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK
FOR ABOUT A YEAR, YOU KNOW
- I WAS HERE LAST YEAR, SHOOTING A
- MOVIE.
HAD A GREAT TIME WITH JUDD
APATOW, PETE DAVIDSON, AND ALL
- THE GUYS
- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YES, HAD A GREAT TIME.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN LIKE
- 13 YEARS
- I IMMEDIATELY NOTICED HOW EXTRA
CROWDED THE CITY WAS
I WAS GETTING CLAUSE TRO PHOBIC.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
PEOPLE NOT USING SAFE SEX,
- MAKING ALL THESE BABIES, YOU
- KNOW
SO I FINALLY WALKED UP TO THIS
NEW YORK DOOR GUY, WHAT'S GOING
- ON
- WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
- HE'S LIKE, OH, NO, DON'T WORRY,
- IT'S JUNE.
HE GOES, IT'S PRIDE MONTH.
AND I'M LIKE, WHAT'S THAT?
- YOU KNOW
- I'M 52, NEVER HEARD OF IT,
RIGHT?
DIDN'T HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A
KID.
HE GOES, GAY PRIDE MONTH
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, OOOH!
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE JUST STUCK
IN THE MATRIX AND YOU CAN'T...
EVERYTHING'S PRESSED UP, YOU
- CAN'T SEE ANYTHING
- SOMEBODY GIVES YOU THAT NUGGET
- OF INFORMATION THAT PULLS IT
- BACK
WHY'S IT SO CROWDED?
IT'S GAY PRIDE MONTH
OH
TANK TOPS!
ZERO PERCENT BODY FAT!
TWO GUYS KISSING
RAINBOW FLAGS!
AAH!
- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
- THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED.
THE MONTH OF JUNE IS GAY PRIDE
MONTH.
THAT'S A LITTLE LONG, DON'T YOU
THINK?
FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT WERE
NEVER ENSLAVED
HOW DID THEY GET ALL OF JUNE
THE BLACK PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY
ENSLAVED, THEY GET FEBRUARY.
THEY GET 28 DAYS OF OVERCAST
- WEATHER.
- SUN GOES DOWN AT 4:00 IN THE
- AFTERNOON.
- EVERYBODY'S SHIVERING.
NOBODY WANTS TO GO ON THE
PARADE
- HOW ABOUT YOU HOOK THEM UP WITH
- JULY
THESE ARE EQUATOR PEOPLE
GIVE THEM THE SUN FOR 31 DAYS.
THERE'S GAY BLACK PEOPLE, THEY
COULD CELEBRATE FROM JUNE 1st,
JUNE 31st, 61 DAYS TO CELEBRATE.
THAT'S MY TIME
- WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
- GUYS, EVERYBODY.
JACK WHITE IS HERE
EA SCKROD, E' BAZING.
PLSETI AUN WLLE
RIGHT BACK
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING
THIS, IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE A
REASON TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
WE METHOD WE COULD AT LEAST
GET TOGETHER OUT HERE SO WE CAN
SOCIAL DISTANCE ON THE DECK.
- AS MUCH AS WE WANT TO SEE
- PEOPLE I KNOW IT'S
- NERVE-RACKING.
- JEANNIE AND DON, WE HAVEN'T
SEEN YOU THIS WHOLE TIME
YEAH, I KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
- REALLY, REALLY DEEP IN OUR
- BUBBLE
YOU'RE THE FIRST PEOPLE WE'VE
SEEN IN SIX MONTHS
I HOPE WE REMEMBER HOW
YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE
FREAKED OUT SEEING PEOPLE IN 3D,
I'M GLAD WE DID THIS
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- SUCH A WEIRD TIME
- IT REALLY IS.
- IT'S A CLICHE, BUT IT'S
UNPRESIDENTED.
HA HA, THAT'S FUNNY
THAT IS FUNNY
WHAT?
WHAT'S FUNNY
YOU SAID UNPRESIDENTED.
AS A JOKE.
LIKE WE DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT
- OH, NO.
- I JUST... I SAID THE WORD.
YEAH, LIKE THEY SAY AT THE
BEGINNING OF EVERY COMMERCIAL,
IN THESE UNPRESIDENTED TIMES
IN THESE UNPRESIDENTED TIMES
YOU NEED SNICKERS OR WHATEVER.
OH, OKAY.
I GUESS WE HAD IT CONFUSED.
YEAH, BECAUSE THE WORD IS
- ACTUALLY -
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO
- THAT
- WELL, I WOULD WANT TO KNOW...
YOU CAN LET IT GO
I'M SORRY -
LET WHAT GO
NO, IT'S JUST THE WORD YOU'RE
THINKING OF IS UNPRECEDENTED
IS IT REALLY?
UNPREC... UNPRECEDENTED?
UNPRECEDENTED
OKAY
I GUESS... I GUESS WE SAID
THAT WRONG
UNPRECEDENTED, OKAY, THANK
YOU.
YES
- UNPREC... UNPRECEDENTED?
- THANK YOU.
- WELL... YOU KNOW WHAT'S
- UNPRECEDENTED?
THESE WINGS.
OH, DO YOU LIKE THEM?
I BAKED THEM
YEAH, I ACTUALLY THINK THEY
- TASTE BETTER THAN WHEN THEY'RE
- FRIED...
- I'M SORRY WE SAID THE WORD
- WRONG!
- I'M SORRY, WHAT, WHAT
- HAPPENED
I'M SORRY WE SAID THE WORD
WRONG IN YOUR HOUSE, OR THE...
ON YOUR DECK, SORRY, WE'RE ON
THE DECK
IT... IT WAS NOTHING...
WATCH IT, JEANNIE, DON'T SAY
- YOU'RE ON THE HOUSE WHEN WE'RE
- ON THE DECK, YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO SAY THE WRONG PLACE
WE MADE SO MANY MISTAKES
TONIGHT AND I'M SORRY!
SORRY
SORRY WE HAD THE NERVE TO MAKE
SO MANY MISTAKES ON YOUR DECK!
- DON'T GET UPSET, IT'S... IT'S
- NOTHING.
- YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE OTHER DAY
- I SAID DUA LIPPY INSTEAD OF DUA
LIPA -
WE HAVE NOT BEEN OUT OF THAT
HOUSE IN SIX MONTHS.
WE'VE HAD HOW MANY COVID
- SCARCE - I DON'T KNOW, I -
- 20, 20!
- I GET FEVERS, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHY, OKAY
SO SORRY IF WE'RE A LITTLE ON
EDGE, IT'S JUST WHERE WE'RE AT
OKAY, THIS IS JUST OUR NOON
NORMAL
OKAY
NEW NORMAL?
WHAT?
- DON'T CORRECT HIM, YOU AIN'T
- GOT TO CORRECT HIM -
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
I SAID NEW NORMAL.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
THE PHRASE IS NEW NORMAL.
HE SAID NOON NORMAL
NO, I KNOW.
BUT IT'S NEW NORMAL.
WHAT IS NOON NORMAL?
YOU KNOW, IT'S WHEN... IT'S
WHEN THE DAY'S GOING GREAT, AND
AROUND NOONTIME, IT JUST... I
- DON'T KNOW - GOOD GOD
WE ARE ALL WE HAVE!
WE ONLY SEE EACH OTHER, EVERY
- DAY!
- THINGS GET REPEATED
OUR BRAINS GET CONFUSED!
WE DON'T HAVE A DECK!
WE DON'T HAVE OUTDOOR LIGHTS
WE DON'T HAVE BAKED WINGS!
- WE'RE NOT RICH
- WE DRINK OUR MONEY, OKAY?
OUR MONEY GOES TO DRINKS!
GOOD JESUS!
I'M SORRY
I... I HAVE KICKED THE WINGS
I'M SORRY.
YEAH, I... I MIGHT HAVE
BROKEN A GLASS
AND... I THINK SHE BROKE ONE
TOO, SO WE OWE YOU TWO GLASSES,
ALL RIGHT?
FOR ALL INTENT AND PORPOISES,
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY WE'RE BAD
JEANNIE, DON, CALM DOWN, COME
ON
IT'S OKAY.
- THE WORLD IS REALLY STRESSFUL
- RIGHT NOW.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SORRY FOR
- ANYTHING
MY WINGS ARE EVERYWHERE,
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
WE'RE TOGETHER
AND WE'RE SAFE.
- AND HEALTHY.
- YEAH, YEAH.
AND THANK GOD NO ONE HAS COVID.
I THINK YOU MEAN COVIN.
WE'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF
GLASSES.
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S RIGHT.
- IT IS COVIN.
I MEANT TO SAY COVIN
HERE'S TO THE END OF COVIN!
GOOD MORNING
WELCOME TO "THE BLITZ.
I'M MICHELLE COMPTON
WITH ME AS ALWAYS IS HALL OF
FAME RECEIVER KEVIN "CASH"
DOZIER AND THE INCOMPARABLE GILL
SCOTT.
HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN?
WELL, I'VE BEEN BETTER,
MICHELLE
I AM FIRED UP, MICHELLE, HOW
- HOW ABOUT THEM BEARS
- I SEE GILL IS EXCITED TO TALK
- ABOUT CHICAGO'S WIN OVER
- TAMPA...
NO, NO, THAT WASN'T JUST A
WIN, THAT WAS A STATEMENT TO THE
REST OF THE NFL.
AND I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER MY
ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE, MR. HALL OF
FAMER HERE NOT ONLY CALLED ME A
STUPID IDIOT FOR BELIEVING IN
CHICAGO, BUT YOU EVEN BET ME A
STEAK DINNER AT LOMBARDO'S THAT
THEY'D LOSE.
DON'T TRY WEASELING OUT OF IT
LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.
- GILL SEEMS VERY HAPPY HERE.
- I AM MORE THAN HAPPY.
LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF
MY LIFE.
- I'M GOING TO PUT MY BEARS GEAR
- ON HERE.
I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY TO MAKE
ROOM FOR THAT STEAK YOU OWE ME,
BUDDY.
I SEE MR. QUIET OVER THERE
- DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY, DO
- YOU, HUH
LOOKING LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO CRY
OR SOMETHING
- HUH?
- NO, I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T
- ACTUALLY WATCH THE GAME.
- I BET YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU
OWE ME A STEAK
AS I WAS SAYING, I DIDN'T
WATCH THE GAME AFTER HEARING
ABOUT KAREEM JENKINS, THE BLACK
- MAN WHO WAS SHOT BY POLICE LAST
- NIGHT.
- IT WAS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.
- YEAH.
ME NEITHER, KEVIN.
FOOTBALL, SPORTS IN GENERAL,
EVERYTHING JUST FEELS SO SMALL
AFTER YESTERDAY'S TRAGEDY.
- YEAH, I TOTALLY AGREE,
- MICHELLE
- ALL I COULD WATCH WAS THE NEWS
- COVERAGE OF THE ONGOING PROTESTS
AND RIOTS.
OH, YEAH.
- THAT SPEECH FROM HIS PARENTS WAS
- TRULY HEARTBREAKING.
YEAH, YEAH.
I MEAN... THAT WAS TRULY... THAT
- WAS HEARTBREAKING.
- BUT GILL, SINCE YOU WATCHED
THE GAME LAST NIGHT...
I MEAN, I... I WATCHED... I
WATCHED SOME OF THE GAME
BUT I WAS... I WAS FLIPPING BACK
- AND FORTH BETWEEN THE NEWS
- BUT I WAS MOSTLY WATCHING THE
NEWS
WELL, YOU'RE A STRONGER MAN
- THAN I AM, GILL, BECAUSE I
- COULDN'T STOMACH ONE SECOND OF
- FOOTBALL LAST NIGHT.
- I WENT OUT AND SPOKE WITH
SOME PROTESTERS...
JUST TO BE CLEAR, THERE WAS A
TICKER SCORE AT THE BOTTOM OF
THE NEWS
THAT'S WHAT I WAS WATCHING
YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I SHOULD
- TAKE THIS CRAP OFF.
- I'M SORRY TO CUT YOU OFF,
- GILL
- I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS INTO THE
CAMERA
AS A BLACK MAN, I WANT TO KNOW,
WHEN THIS IS ALL GOING TO STOP
NO, NO, NOT NOW -
- I'M SO SORRY TO STOP YOU,
- KEVIN, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
- GOING ON HERE.
- OKAY.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
BUT... YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THAT
- KEVIN MIGHT WELCH ON OUR STEAK
- BET LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES, SO I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO HAVE
LOMBARDO'S SEND THIS TO THE
- I'M SORRY.
- PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE.
AND FOR THE BIG BABY?
THAT'S MY FAULT, THAT'S MY
- FAULT.
- WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S... IT'S A BABY BOTTLE.
BECAUSE I... I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE
BUCS LOSING.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
FRESH CRACKED PEPPER, SIR
- WHAT?
- NO, THAT'S FINE...
FRESH CRACKED PEPPER FOR YOUR
STEAK?
- I DON'T WANT THIS, I DON'T
- WANT THIS.
IS IT NOT THE RIGHT
TEMPERATURE?
- I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT IT
- IT'S PERFECT
JUST GET IT OUT OF HERE.
FINISH WHAT YOU WERE SAYING
WHILE GILL ENJOYS HIS JUICY
STEAK.
YEAH, SO AS I WAS SAYING, AS
A BLACK MAN, I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF ASKING... HEY... IS THAT A
FILTER ON ME
OKAY, I... I TOLD THE BOOTH
TO DO THAT... CUT IT OUT, GUYS,
PLEASE
YOU KNOW, I... JUST GET THIS
- STUPID STEAK OUT OF HERE,
- PLEASE.
- SORRY ABOUT THIS I'LL THROW
- IT RIGHT OUT
- JUST WRAP IT UP OR SOMETHING.
- IT'S NO PROBLEM, WE CAN THROW
IT AWAY.
PLEASE GET RID OF IT.
- WELL, MIGHT AS WELL WRAP IT UP,
- NOW THAT YOU HAVE IT.
OKAY, WHATEVER YOU WANT.
KEEP IT OUT IN THE OPEN
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY, OKAY
WHAT HAPPENED...
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT THE
- STEAK, GILL?
I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE
STEAK.
- OKAY
- I JUST... WE SHOULDN'T WASTE IT,
RIGHT?
SMELLS SO GOOD
JUST WRAP IT UP, PUT IT IN THE
- BREAK ROOM, SOMEONE WILL EAT IT
- EVENTUALLY.
- GILL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
- PRETEND.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND YOU'RE
- UPSET.
YOU CLEARLY ARE NOT.
I AM UPSET.
GIVE ME A CAMERA
OKAY, I WANT TO MAKE THIS
PERFECTLY CLEAR.
THAT NONT SUPPORT NOR WILL I BE
- DEFINED BY THE COMMENTS OF A
- COUPLE OF TROLLS
- WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT IS
- COMPLETELY UNACCEPTED...
UNACCEPTABLE AND IT BREAKS MY
HEART.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY.
- WHAT GUY?
THE... THE GUY YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HIS NAME
YOU SAID IT EARLIER.
AND
GOD, THERE'S SO MANY GUYS TO
NAME, IT'S JUST... AND THAT'S
THE PROBLEM!
YOU KNOW, GIVE ME A SECOND
I SAW A HOMELESS GUY I CAN GIVE
- IT TO.
- ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO, SIR.
OKAY, THANK YOU
I WAS TOLD THAT YOU'D TAKE
CARE OF THE BILL
MAN, I AIN'T PAYING THIS DAMN
BILL.
SEE, SEE?
- I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO WELCH ON
- IT EVERY TIME.
DEAL'S A DEAL!
- > HEY, GUYS, IT'S ME, BENJI,
- FROM THE HIT SHOW "THE BUDDIES"
- ON NINTENDO TV
- I'VE ALSO GOT A BUNCH OF FUN
- AUDITIONS AND REALLY COOL STUFF
- COMING UP.
BUT I'M HERE TODAY BECAUSE THE
STATE OF THE WORLD IS SO AWFUL
I CAN'T SIT BACK AND JUST BE AN
ACTOR ANYMORE.
- NOT WITH THIS INCREDIBLE
- PLATFORM "THE BUDDIES" HAS GIVEN
ME
SO, MR. PRESIDENT, HEAR ME WHEN
I SAY...
THERE'S KIDS IN CAGE
ABOUT OUR LIVE
WELL ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
EVEN WEAR A MASK SO ENOUGH IS
EVERYTHING IS FINE I CAN'T SIT
I TAG LEONARDO DiCAPRI
POSTED.
I DID IT
HEY, KEVIN, HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
DID YOU SEE MY VIDEO
- YEAH, I JUST FELT LIKE I
- COULDN'T SIT BY ANY LONGER AND
NOT SAY SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
I NEEDED TO MAKE MY VOICE HEARD.
I SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN.
TAKE IT DOWN IMMEDIATELY
UH-HUH
NO ONE NEEDS THIS FROM ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT TO GO, KEVIN, KELSEY'S
CALLING ME
HEY, KELS, YOU SEE MY VID?
YES, YEAH, I JUST... YOU KNOW, I
WANTED TO USE MY PLATFORM AS AN
ARTIST... I SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN.
SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, BUT... HERE'S... SO I
REALLY THINK THAT THIS IS SUCH
- AN IMPORTANT ELECTION, AND I
- FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO MY PART
AS AN ACTOR TO MAKE A
DIFFERENCE...
- I'M NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH.
- JUST A DESPERATE CAREER MOVE
- COULD ACTUALLY MOBILIZE HIS
- BASE
OKAY, KELS, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ACTUALLY GOT TO GO
- HEY, ROOMIE, JUST WANTED TO SAY
- SORRY ABOUT THE MESS IN THE
LIVING ROOM.
DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW, BUT -
TAKE IT DOWN
WELL, YEAH, I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE
- EMBARRASSING BECAUSE I REALIZED
- AFTER I SHOT IT THAT I FORGOT TO
PUT A SHIRT ON... NO ONE'S
BUYING THAT.
- YOU HEARD ME DOING PUSHUPS
- BEFORE
OH, SORRY, MY GIRLFRIEND'S HERE.
HEY, BABY.
YOU'RE NOT COMING IN
I JUST... WHAT
A BOX OF ALL MY STUFF.
- HELLO?
- IS THIS THE GUY FROM THE
- "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" VIDEO
- YES, I...
- DON'T TAG ME FOR THAT
- PATHETIC PIECE OF...
- I -
- THAT'S THE SADDEST, WEAKEST
THING I'VE EVER SEEN
I'M WATCHING IT AND I'M THINKING
- TO MYSELF, HOW THE DID
- THIS GUY EVEN GET TO THAT AGE
WITHOUT DYING?
YOU NEED TO TAKE IT DOWN
BECAUSE IT'S PATHETIC AND YOU'RE
A LOSER.
IT WORKED
JASON MOMOA KNOWS ME
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JACK WHITE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YOU HURT YOURSEL
WHEN YOU LIE TO ME
YOU HURT YOURSEL
I'M YOUR THIRD MAN GIR
BUT IT'S A FACT THAT
BUT IT'S A FACT THAT
TO THE PEOPL
YES I'M WALKIN
JUST COULDN'T GET OU
WAS MIGHTY
AND PEOPLE WER
WAS MIGHTY
AND PEOPLE WER
AND IT TRAVELED THROUGH THE
A BISCUIT SUGA
AND TAKE OUR SWEET
AND TAKE OUR SWEET
PLACE TO JUST GET OU
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE
- WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE.
- I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
THIS WEEK WAS MENTAL ILLNESS
AWARENESS WEEK
AND TRUST ME, WE'RE AWARE.
PRESIDENT AND ACTIVE BIOWEAPON
- DONALD TRUMP TOOK HIS DOCTORS
- HOSTAGE AND BROKE OUT OF THE
HOSPITAL LIKE SARAH CONNER IN
"TERMINATOR 2.
- AND I GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN IN
- A COMA AND THOUGHT THE YEAR WAS
2016, BECAUSE HE STARTED
DEMANDING HILLARY'S EMAILS AND
FOR THE FEDS TO ARREST OBAMA
THEN HE RELEASED A SERIES OF ODD
VIDEOS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
WHICH STARTED LIKE THIS.
PERHAPS YOU RECOGNIZE ME,
IT'S YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT
ACTUALLY, I BARELY RECOGNIZE
YOU, BECAUSE YOUR MAKEUP ARTIST
SEEMS TO HAVE GIVEN YOU THE
DOLEZAL.
ALSO, WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE
- THERE'S A GREEN SCREEN BEHIND
- YOU?
IT'S A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS WHEN
YOU GREEN SCREEN YOURSELF INTO
THE PLACE WHERE YOU ALREADY ARE.
- IT LOOKED LIKE YOU'RE SHOOTING A
- COMMERCIAL FOR A STATEN ISLAND
WEDDING VENUE.
MAKE ALL YOUR ROMANTIC DREAMS
- COME TRUE AT THE WHITE HOUSE
- WANT TO DO A BIG EVENT WITH NO
MASK
THE WHITE HOUSE!
- PRESIDENT TRUMP CLAIMED TO
- HAVE SURVIVED THE CORONAVIRUS.
YAY!
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY I'M
- DISAPPOINTED, BUT IT'S KIND OF
- LIKE WHEN THERE'S A CAR CRASH
AND THE ONLY SURVIVOR IS THE
DRUNK DRIVER
TRUMP SAID HIM GETTING COVID
- WAS, QUOTE, A BLESSING FROM
- GOD.
AND I BET EVEN GOD WAS LIKE,
"HEY, WE TRIED, GUYS."
ACTUALLY, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE
- MORE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS
- I MEAN, THERE'S TWO WAYS WE CAN
LOOK AT IT
EITHER TRUMP'S TELLING THE TRUTH
AND WE FINALLY HAVE A CURE FOR
COVID, OR TRUMP IS LYING AND
HE'S STILL GOING TO DIE.
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THAT'S A
WIN-WIN, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT
A LOSE-LOSE.
NO
I ALSO HAVE TO SAY, IT'S
AMAZING TO WATCH A GUY HAVE A
- NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE AND LEARN
- NOTHING FROM IT.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING SOMEONE SMOKE
THROUGH THE HOLE IN THEIR NECK
IN FACT, TRUMP IS NOW TRYING TO
CONVINCE AMERICANS THAT COVID
ACTUALLY MAKES YOU STRONGER, AND
THAT IT MADE HIM FEEL BETTER
THAN HE DID 20 YEARS AGO
SO HE WENT FROM COVID IS A HOAX,
TO COVID WILL DISAPPEAR ONE DAY
LIKE A MIRACLE, AND NOW HE'S
LIKE, ACTUALLY, COVID IS THE
MIRACLE AND IT WAS INSIDE OF US
ALL ALONG.
IF GETTING COVID IS GOOD, HIS
SUPPORTERS ARE IN LUCK
THIS IS HIM AT A RALLY LAST WEEK
WHEN HE HAD CORONA
COME ON, LOOK AT HIM
HE'S LIKE AN EVIL OPRAH.
- YOU'RE GETTING COVID, YOU'RE
- GETTING COVID, YOU'RE GETTING
- COVID!
- LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS, IT'S A
VENTILATOR!
IT'S A DARK SHOW.
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT A
- THERAPEUTIC DRUG FROM REGENERON,
- WHICH IS DERIVED FROM STEM
CELLS, IS THE CURE FOR COVID,
WHICH SEEMED UNLIKELY,
UNFOUNDED, IRRESPONSIBLE, AND I
CAN'T WAIT TO BUY 1,000 SHARES
OF REGENERON BABY JUICE STOCK.
I CALL IT BABY JUICE
- YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF FUNNY
- THAT THESE OLD REPUBLICANS ARE
- SO ANTI-ABORTION WHEN IT COMES
- TO EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT THEN THEY
- DO A COMPLETE 180 AS SOON AS
- STEM CELLS CAN SAVE THEIR LIVES
- OR WHEN I GET THEIR DAUGHTER
- PREGNANT
WHAT
WHAT
LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP
- RECEIVED A MEDICAL EVALUATION ON
- FOX NEWS
HERE TO GIVE A SECOND OPINIO
IS "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" RESIDENT
MEDICAL EXPERT DR. WAYNE
WEKNOWDIS.
HELLO, DOCTOR
HELLO, DR. WEKNOWDIS
- YOU ARE HIGHLY RESPECTED IN YOUR
- FIELD.
- YES, WEKNOWDIS.
- SO THANK YOU FOR HELPING MAKE
- SENSE OF THIS, BECAUSE HAVING A
- TELEVISED MEDICAL EXAM IS HIGHLY
UNUSUAL.
YES
WE DO KNOW DIS
YEAH, SO ON FOX, TRUMP
ANSWERED SOME QUESTIONS FROM A
DOCTOR
WE KNOW DIS
TRUMP WON'T SAY IF HE HAS A
NEGATIVE TEST YET.
WE DON'T KNOW DIS
HE MIGHT TECHNICALLY STILL BE
CONTAGIOUS.
WE KNOW DIS
HE'S STILL SO GOOD, HE SAID,
I MAY BE IMMUNE.
WHAT IS DIS
- NOW HE'S HOLDING RALLIES.
- WHO DOES DIS?
HE DO DIS.
WE HATE DIS.
WE KNOW DIS.
I'M SORRY, DR. WEKNOWDIS.
YES
ARE YOU SAYING WE KNOW THIS
OR ARE YOU SAYING YOUR LAST
NAME
OKAY, YES
WEKNOWDIS IN GREEK IT TRANSLATES
TO, WE KNOW THIS, LIKE, WE ARE
AWARE OF THIS.
- OKAY.
- OKAY, YEAH
- I THINK I GOT IT.
- UH-HUH.
SO IS THERE A RISK OF TRUMP
INFECTING MORE PEOPLE NOW THAT
HE'S GONE BACK IN THE WHITE
HOUSE?
OKAY, VERY COMPLICATED.
HOW... HOW CAN I SAY THIS SO YOU
CAN GET IT
A ROOM HAVE AIR, RIGHT
- WE KNOW DIS.
- AND EVERYBODYHAVE A NOSE, WE
KNOW DIS
EVERYBODY'S FACE, IT HAVE A
HOLE
EVERYBODY GET THE VIRUS.
WE KNOW DIS.
UH-HUH.
WE KNOW DIS.
OKAY, WE KNOW THIS, YEAH.
NOW TRUMP DID SAY HE'S GOING TO
GIVE THE COVID DRUG HE GOT TO
- EVERYONE WHO NEEDS IT FOR FREE
- IS THAT POSSIBLE OR TRUE
NO.
- I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY A LITTLE
- MORE
OKAY
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, TRUMP IS CLEARLY ITCHING
TO GET BACK ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL, AND I'M WONDERING, NOW
- HE'S PLANNING TO HOLD A RALLY IN
- FLORIDA ON MONDAY.
- IS IT SAFE FOR HIM TO GO TO
- FLORIDA?
- WE DON'T KNOW DIS
- BECAUSE HE STILL MIGHT BE
CONTAGIOUS
NO, JUST BECAUSE FLORIDA,
SEEM LIKE A FREAKY PLACE
- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
- STOPPING BY, DOCTOR...
OH WAIT, NO, NO, NO
WHILE I'M HERE, I HAVE TO GIVE
- YOU AN EXAM.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY -
- I'VE GOT TO TAKE YOUR BLOOD
- PRESSURE -
THAT'S OKAY, DOCTOR
I'M IN AMAZING SHAPE
WE, WE KNOW DIS
GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.
OKAY, THANK YOU
BLOOD PRESSURE.
[ SQUEAKING
BLOOD PRESSURE
WE DON'T NEED TO DO THIS.
KATE.
KATE
ARE YOU OKAY
I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OKAY, OKAY.
WHAT... WHAT IS GOING ON
I'M SORRY
IT'S SUCH A CRAZY TIME
- AND THIS IS SOMETHING I STARTED
- DOING TO COPE.
I HAVE A LOT OF WIGS AND
MOUSTACHES AT MY DISPOSAL.
IT'S A NICE WAY TO ESCAPE.
YOU KNOW, REFRESHING TO PLAY A
CHARACTER WHO... WHO KNOW DIS.
- OKAY, SURE.
- I MEAN, WHO WILL WIN THE
ELECTION
WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WHEN WILL THE PANDEMIC END
THIS, WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WORLD?
WE DO NOT KNOW DIS
BUT COLIN, THE ONE THING WE DO
KNOW IS THAT... NO
WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WELL, LISTEN.
I KNOW IT IS VERY STRESSFUL.
I KNOW THIS IS VERY HARD RIGHT
NOW.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BEING
- VERY RESILIENT ABOUT IT.
- I KNOW EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T
SEEM GOOD, DON'T WORRY, WE CAN
FIGURE THIS OUT, WE CAN DO THIS.
WE CAN DO WHAT?
WE CAN DO DIS.
WE KNOW DIS
DR. WEKNOWDIS, EVERYONE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
ORTHODOX JEWISH LEADERS IN
NEW YORK CITY LASHED OUT AT A
- NEWLY IMPOSED CORONAVIRUS
- RESTRICTION IN THEIR
NEIGHBORHOOD BY SETTING FIRES
AND BURNING MASKS.
AND IT'S A MIRACLE, THE MASKS
BURNED FOR EIGHT NIGHTS.
COME ON
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, COME ON.
STOP IT, STOP IT.
- > GOLDMAN SACHS IS REPORTING
- THAT IF JOE BIDEN WINS THE
- ELECTION AND DEMOCRATS REGAIN
- CONTROL OF CONGRESS, THE ECONOMY
- WILL RECOVER FASTER.
- I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT
- I JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT THAT
- TRUMP'S ONLY THING HE SAYS HE'S
GOOD AT IS THE ECONOMY, AND THE
ECONOMY ITSELF WAS LIKE, I'M
VOTING FOR BIDEN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THIS IS THE WORST.
- A NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUME BEING
- SOLD THIS YEAR IS FOR SEXY HAND
SANITIZER.
WHICH I THINK IS JUST LUBE
- > McDONALD'S ANNOUNCED THAT
- FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A DECADE
- IT'S ADDING NEW ITEMS TO ITS
- BREAKFAST BAKERY MENU, INCLUDING
AN APPLE FRITTER, A BLUEBERRY
MUFFIN, AND SIN MONTHLY ROLLS.
- ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF
- ONE OF YOUR FEET
YANKEES LEGEND WHITEY FORD
DIED THIS WEEK AT THE AGE OF 91.
FORD REMINDS US OF A SIMPLER
TIME WHEN YOU COULD JUST NAME
YOUR KID "WHITEY.
IT IS DARK.
- > SIZZLER RESTAURANTS HAVE
- ANNOUNCED AS A RESULT OF THE
IMPACT FROM COVID, THEY ARE
FILING FOR BANKRUPTCY.
PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA, SINCE THE
SIZZLER BUFFET IS THE CLOSEST
THING AMERICA HAS TO A WUHAN WET
MARKET
OH!
- > RESEARCHERS IN NOVA SCOTIA
- HAVE FOUND A 50-YEAR-OLD GREAT
- WHITE SHARK THAT THEY ARE
- CALLING QUEEN OF THE OCEAN,
BECAUSE HE GAY AS HELL
- > PENNSYLVANIA... PENNSYLVANIA
- POLICE ARRESTED A MAN WHO TRIED
- TO RENT A HORSE ONLINE SO THAT
- HE AND HIS WIFE COULD HAVE SEX
- WITH THE ANIMAL.
- BUT THE MAN HAD NO IDEA THAT THE
- WHOLE TIME HE WAS ACTUALLY
- CHATTING WITH A POLICE HORSE
THANK YOU, THANK YOU
THANK YOU, THANK YOU
OVER THE SUMMER, HARRY POTTER
- AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING WAS ACCUSED
- OF TRANSPHOBIA FOR COMPARING
- TRANSGENDER HORMONE THERAPY TO
- FORCED GAY CONVERSION.
- WITH MORE ON THIS, IT'S PETE
- DAVIDSON
- YAY - THANKS, COLIN.
- I... I JUST LEARNED IT'S MENTAL
- ILLNESS AWARENESS WEEK, SO I
- WANTED TO MAKE EVERYONE AWARE.
- WE OUT HERE AND WE CRAZY
GO, GIANTS
SEASON'S NOT OVER.
SEASON STARTS TOMORROW
THIS IS THE GIANTS' YEAR,
- EVERYBODY SAYS IT.
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE
- J.K. ROWLING CONTROVERSY
- I THINK I'M NEVER GETTING
- ANOTHER TATTOO FOR THE REST OF
- MY LIFE.
- DON'T GET TATTOOS.
- I GOT A HARRY POTTER TATTOO
- YEARS AGO, BECAUSE I'M NOT
- PSYCHIC.
- I DIDN'T KNOW J.K. ROWLING WAS
- GOING TO GO ALL MEL GIBSON ON
- US -
I HAVE A "GAME OF THRONES"
TATTOO, AND NOW I'M TERRIFIED
ONE DAY GEORGE R.R. MARTIN IS
GOING TO BE LIKE, HEY, IF YOU
ENJOYED WHAT I HAD TO SAY ABOUT
DRAGONS AND DIRE WOLVES, WAIT
- TILL YOU HEAR WHAT I THINK ABOUT
- PUERTO RICANS!
ALSO, I HAVE A WINNIE-THE-POOH
- TATTOO, AM I GONNA HAVE TO FIND
- OUT HE WAS DIDDLING PIGLET THE
WHOLE TIME
THIS IS MADNESS!
- IT'S CRAZY TIMES WE LIVE IN!
- IT'S NOT FAIR.
HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU
FIRST HEARD THAT ROWLING SAID
SOMETHING TRANSPHOBIC?
IT REALLY HURT, BECAUSE I
- HAVE A CLOSE CONNECTION TO THOSE
- MOVIES
I LOOK LIKE DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF
IF HE BECAME A TIKTOK RAPPER
THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.
IT IS SCARILY ACCURATE
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME
AND DOBBY IS I'M A REAL PERSON
AND HIS MOVIES GET RELEASED IN
THEATERS
OH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
SO YOU FOUND WHAT J.K. ROWLING
SAID DISAPPOINTING
VERY DISAPPOINTING, YEAH
I LONG FOR A FEW YEARS AGO WHERE
THE WORST THING SHE EVER DID WAS
THE "FANTASTIC BEASTS" MOVIES.
- THERE'S NO DISCRIMINATION THERE,
- THOSE FILMS HARMED US EQUALLY.
- I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
- SHE CREATES A SEVEN-BOOK FANTASY
- SERIES ABOUT ALL TYPES OF
- MYTHICAL CREATURES LIVING IN
HARMONY WITH WIZARDS AND ELVES
AND THE ONE THING SHE CAN'T WRAP
HER HEAD AROUND IS LAVERNE COX
SHE'S A NATIONAL TREASURE!
DID YOU FIND WHAT J.K. SAID
SURPRISING, THEN
- YEAH, AT FIRST.
- THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT
THE FANTASTICAL WORLD SHE
CREATED.
- THE WOODS ARE CONTROLLED BY
- CENTAURS
THE SCHOOLS ARE RUN BY WIZARDS
AND GHOSTS
WHO CONTROLS THE BANKS
JEWS, OBVIOUSLY!
- LITTLE GIANT-NOSED JEW GOBLINS
- I CAN SAY THAT, BECAUSE AS YOU
CAN SEE, I'M HALF GOBLIN
COME ON, IF THIS ISN'T A JEWS
RUN THE BANKS REFERENCE, WHY DO
- THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ALAN
- DERSHOWITZ
YOU'VE BEEN DERSH'D, DERSH
YEAH, NO... SO PETE, WILL YOU
STOP READING THE BOOKS
I NEVER READ ANY OF THE
BOOKS, AND I SAW PART OF
"AZKABAN" ON THE PLANE ONCE.
PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE
- FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
- COLIN JOST
I'M MICHAEL CHE
- > BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO
- BUSINESS, HOW ABOUT A WELCOME
HOME AFTER 20 YEARS IN THE
JOINT, DON PAULY
- SALUD!
- SALUD
I LOOK AROUND THIS ROOM, I
SEE WHAT USED TO BE THE MOST
- RUTHLESS, POWERFUL CRIME FAMILY
- IN THE CITY.
DAMN RIGHT!
SHUT UP
I SAID USED TO BE.
BECAUSE THAT SURE AS HELL AIN'T
WHAT IT IS NOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GANG
WE USED TO OWN THIS CITY
I GO AWAY 20 YEARS, ALL OF A
- SUDDEN NOW THERE'S FRIGGING
- MEXICANS CONTROLLING THE
NEIGHBORHOOD
UM... OKAY.
WHAT, WHAT'D I SAY?
I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?
- NO DISRESPECT, DON PAULY, WE
- ALL GET YOUR POINT
I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD
YOU MADE IT SO, I DON'T KNOW -
RACIAL
YES, THANK YOU, ONE PERSON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
RACIAL
VINNY?
THE DIABLOS CONTROL THE DRUGS IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, DO THEY NOT
THEY DO
- THEY DO.
- OKAY.
LAST I CHECKED, THE DIABLOS ARE
FRIGGING MEXICANS, ARE THEY NOT?
AND HE'S DOUBLING DOWN,
GREAT.
WOOF!
JOE, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH
- WHAT I'M SAYING?
- WE'RE LOSING MONEY OVER HERE
- WE UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT, DON
- PAULY.
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOUR
- CHOICE OF WORDS TO SOME PEOPLE
MAY SEEM, I DON'T KNOW,
OUTDATED
MY CHOICE OF WORDS?
IS THIS A JOKE
HUH?
IS THERE A HIDDEN VIDEO AROUND
IS JIMMY KENNEDY SOMEWHERE
AROUND TO FILM ME?
- JAMIE KENNEDY
- WHO'S JAMIE KENNEDY?
- JAMIE KENNEDY
- THE KING OF THE PRANKS
HE DOES THE TV SHOW.
HE PRANKS PEOPLE
OH, YOU MEAN ASHTON KUTCHER
NO, KUTCHER WAS "PUNK'D.
LOOK, JUST FORGET IT, FORGET
IT
- ALL RIGHT?
- AM I LOSING MY FREAKING MIND
HERE
NICKY THE NOSE, YOU'D TELL ME IF
I WAS GOING NUTS, RIGHT, YOU'D
TELL ME.
- HEY, DON PAULY.
- YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN NO
DISRESPECT TO YOU.
BUT I JUST GO BY NICKY NOW
WHAT?
YOU'VE BEEN NICKY THE NOSE SINCE
WE WERE KIDS
YEAH, WE DON'T GIVE PEOPLE
NICKNAMES BASED ON THEIR
PHYSICAL APPEARANCES ANYMORE
THAT'S CALLED SHAMING.
AND IT DON'T FEEL TOO GREAT
SOMETIMES.
YEAH, SEE, DON PAULY, YOUR
WORDS HAVE, I DON'T KNOW, POWER.
YES, THANK YOU.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FRIGGING
- EARS
I MEAN, ARE WE STILL GANGSTERS
WE STILL IN THE FRIGGING MOB
OVER HERE?
OF COURSE WE ARE, DON PAULY,
- BUT A LOT'S CHANGED IN THE PAST
- 20 YEARS.
NO KIDDING.
THIS GANG DIDN'T USED TO BE
- FILLED WITH A BUNCH OF QUEERS.
- OH!
WHOA!
EASY!
- EASY, DON PAULY
- NO DISRESPECT, BUT AS SOMEONE
WHO IDENTIFIES AS QUEER, I TAKE
A LITTLE EXCEPTION TO THAT
LAST COMMENT OF YOURS.
WHAT?
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I THINK
I'M GOING TO TAKE A MENTAL
- HEALTH DAY, AND I'M GOING TO
- WORK FROM HOME NOW.
OF COURSE, JOHNNY, GOD BLESS.
SALUD!
SALUD
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL
ABOUT?
DON PAULY, YOU GOT TO
UNDERSTAND
JOHNNY IS... SENSITIVE
SENSITIVE
HE'S A FRIGGING MURDERER.
HEY, "THEY'RE" A FRIGGING
- MURDERER
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU PEOPLE,
- HUH?
- WHOA, WHOA.
YOU PEOPLE
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, DON PAULY,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY YOU PEOPLE
I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, I
JUST MEANT EVERYBODY IN GENERAL.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO'S THE BLACK CHICK?
UM... THE WOMAN OF COLOR
YOU'RE REFERRING TO IS GLADYS.
SHE'S OUR CAPO
OF THIS GANG?
HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN
WE GOT SLAMMED PRETTY HARD ON
TWITTER FOR OUR LACK OF
DIVERSITY.
YOU REMEMBER THE HASHTAG,
#MAFIASOLITE
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE FRIGGING
- KIDDING ME
- DON PAULY, WITH ALL DUE
- RESPECT, REPRESENTATION IS VERY
IMPORTANT, EVEN IN CRIME
BESIDES, I'M MORE CAPABLE AND
DANGEROUS THAN ANY CIS BLACK OR
WHITE MALE GANGSTER HERE
- OH, REALLY?
- OKAY
ALL RIGHT.
THEN SHOOT VINNY
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, DON
PAULY, THAT'S NOT HOW...
OH!
WHOA!
- WHOA, GET OVER HERE, THAT'S
- WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ALL
RIGHT!
LET ME OFFICIALLY WELCOME YOU TO
- THE...
- HEY
- DID THIS GUY JUST FRICKIN' TRY
- TO KISS ME
- WHOA, WITHOUT CONSENT
- IN A PANDEMIC
WHOA!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- > SAM ADAMS HAS BREWED
- SIGNATURE BEERS IN THE HEART OF
- BOSTON SINCE 1984.
- WHO BETTER TO CHECK OUT OUR
JACK-O-PUMPKIN BOSTON ALE THAN
REAL BOSTONIANS?
IT'S GOT THAT GREAT SAM ADAMS
TASTE, BUT THE PUMPKIN FLAVOR
KICKED IT UP A NOTCH.
I LOVE SAM ADAMS, BUT THIS
MIGHT EVEN BE BETTER
JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT THE IS THAT
- OKAY.
- THIS IS THE PERFECT BEER FOR
- SWEATER WEATHER.
- ALL RIGHT
LET'S TRY THIS FOR REAL.
I DON'T LIKE THAT.
- I'M NOT REALLY A BEER
- DRINKER, BUT THIS MIGHT CHANGE
THAT
THIS IS THE KIND OF BEER
- SOMEBODY BRINGS TO A PARTY AT
- YOUR HOUSE, AND THEN IT JUST
LIKE SITS IN THE FRIDGE FOR LIKE
EIGHT MONTHS
THEN ONE DAY YOUR BUDDY COMES
OVER, HEY, YOU GOT A BEER?
I'M LIKE, WELL, I GOT THIS
PUMPKIN.
- DRINK IT, YOU KNOW, IT GETS YOU
- A BUZZ -
COME ON
I'M COMING!
YOU'VE BEEN SITTING THERE FOR
HALF AN HOUR ENJOYING MYSELF -
- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR
- MOTHER
- OH, THERE YOU GO
- YOU GUYS SHOULD SELL THIS
- YEAR ROUND, SERIOUSLY...
- JUST GRABBING ONE MORE.
OH, WATCH IT, MY BAD
GETTING OLD IS HARD.
- I CAN DEFINITELY TASTE THE
- HOPS
- REESE'S PUFFS
- WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?
- GET SOME STOP & SHOP CORN FLAKES
- IN THE WELFARE BAG
WHAT IS THAT LOOK?
GOING TO TAKE A SWING AT ME?
IS TODAY THE DAY
TODAY IS THE DAY YOU TAKE A
SWING AT YOUR OLD MAN?
ARE YOU A NEW MAN NOW?
I DIDN'T THINK SO!
GET OFF ME!
GET OFF OF ME!
GET OFF ME
SAM ADAMS JACK-O-PUMPKIN ALE.
REAL BOSTONIANS AGREE, IT'S...
KIND OF SWEET AND,
BUT YOU KNOW, TH
ONCE AGAIN, JACK WHITE
YO TRABAJO DUR
AND EVEN GOD HERSELF
HAS FEWER PLANS THAN M
- FOR FREE THOUG
- SHE GRABS A STICK AN
I SAY EVERYTHING
WHEN I SAY NOTHING
IN A LAZARETTO
BORN ROTTE
I USED TO KNOW
OUT OF COFFEE AND COTTON
THROWN DOWN TO THE WOLVE
MADE FERAL FOR NOTHING
AND I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE
TIME IS LOST
NO TIME AT ALL
I JUMP UP AND LET HE
DOWN THE PRISO
THEY'RE LIGHTING FIRES
AND LIKE THE DOUGH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- JACK WHITE -
- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- MAYA RUDOLPH, JIM CARREY, THE
- ENTIRE CAST.
I HAD THE BEST TIME.
EDDIE VAN HALEN, REST IN PEACE
- THE CAST, THE BAND, I HAD THE
- BEST TIME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY
GOODNIGHT!
CHANGE EVERYONE'S MINDS.
THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
I'M SUSAN PAGE AND I MISSED
BOOK CLUB FOR THIS
TONIGHT WE'LL BE DISCUSSING A
WHO CARES NUMBER OF TOPICS, EACH
LASTING I COULDN'T TELL YOU
MINUTES.
- BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE, IF
- ANYTHING'S GOING TO BE TRENDING
- ON TWITTER TONIGHT, IT WILL BE
- ONE OF THE HUMANS INVOLVED IN
THIS DEBATE.
LET'S WELCOME THEM NOW
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE.
AND SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
THE SENATOR FROM CALIFORNIA IS
PRESENT.
THANK YOU, SENATOR.
TONIGHT YOU'LL NOTICE BETWEEN
THE CANDIDATES WE'VE INSTALLED
BUFFET-STYLE SNEEZE GUARDS, ON
ACCOUNT OF ONE OF YOU WORKS FOR
PATIENT ZERO
IT'S ACTUALLY FINE BY ME,
SUZANNE.
- 12 FEET APART AND SEPARATED BY
- PLEXIGLASS IS HOW MOTHER AND I
- SLEEP.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MY FIRST
- QUESTION IS FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU
- THE TOPIC IS CORONAVIRUS.
- DAMMIT.
NOW, YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF
THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE, AND
- SINCE YOU TOOK CHARGE, OVER
- 200,000 AMERICANS HAVE DIED.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
WELL, SUSAN, I'D LIKE TO
BEGIN BY STALLING, HARD.
WE'RE IN UTAH, WOW
WHAT A MAGNIFICENT STATE
EVEN THOUGH THEIR BASKETBALL
TEAM IS NAMED AFTER MY GREATEST
FEAR, JAZZ
- I YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY
- TIME.
ALL RIGHT
SENATOR HARRIS
THIS IS WHAT THEY DO,
SUZANNE.
- THEY AVOID TAKING ANY
- RESPONSIBILITY -
- WE DO NOT.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I'M
SPEAKING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- SPEAKING.
- WELL, I'M JUST TRYING -
STILL SPEAKING.
BUT I -
SEE, I'M SPEAKING
I'M SPEAKING RIGHT NOW, ARIZONA,
CALIFORNIA, SOME MART PARTS OF,
I'M SPEAKING.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DON'T THINK YOU DO.
- I DO.
- BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING AND
I'M SPEAKING
THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS
- CONSISTENTLY LIED TO US ABOUT
- THE VIRUS.
THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO KEEP US
CALM
- LET ME ASK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
- THIS
HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING
- TO GET YOUR NEXT ROLL OF TOILET
- PAPER?
- HM
- HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU WERE
STARING AT THAT CARDBOARD TUBE
WHEN YOU FINISHED THE ROLL, AND
YOU THOUGHT, WELL, IT'S
TECHNICALLY PAPER?
AND HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN EVEN
THAT TUBE WAS GONE AND YOU
LOOKED AT YOUR OLD T-SHIRTS AND
A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND THOUGHT,
ARE WE DOING THIS?
NOW, I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE VICE
PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE, AND WHILE
HE SPEAKS, I'M GOING TO SMILE AT
HIM LIKE I'M IN A TJ MAXX AND A
WHITE LADY ASKS ME IF I WORK
HERE
LOOK.
I PROMISE YOU THE PRESIDENT HAS
TAKEN THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY SINCE
THE VERY BEGINNING OF LAST WEEK.
OKAY, SO NOW, SUSAN WHAT I'M
GOING TO DO IS I'M GOING TO
MORE OF A CLAIR HUXTABLE SIDE
EYE.
- PRESIDENT TRUMP PUTS THE
- HEALTH OF ALL AMERICANS WAY
AHEAD OF HIS OWN PERSONAL AND
FINANCIAL GAIN
- HM.
- OKAY, SO NOW WHAT I'M GOING TO
DO IS I'M GOING TO FIX MY FACE
SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M
- THINKING
- BUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN AT HOME
KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING.
AND A FEW OF THE WHITE WOMEN
AND ALL OF THE GAYS.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT COVID.
LET'S FOCUS ON THE TWO ISSUES
AMERICANS DO CARE ABOUT.
SWINE FLU AND FRACKING
IF ANYONE SHOULD BE TALKING
ABOUT FRACKING, IT'S MY GUY, JOE
BIDEN.
JOE BIDEN FRACS IN HIS FREE
TIME
JOE BIDEN WILL FRACK YOU SO
GOOD, PENNSYLVANIA
- AND WHILE I PERSONALLY WANTED TO
- BAN FRACKING, NOW THAT I KNOW
PENNSYLVANIA LOVES IT, I JUST
WANT TO SAY THIS
YOUS GOISE CAN BET ON YOUR WAWA
CHEESESTEAK HOAGIE AND ALL THE
WATER IN THE SCHUYLKILL RIVER ON
BIDEN FRACKING, AND GO EAGLES.
- MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I HAVE TO
- ASK THIS
- WHAT IS THE CURRENT HEALTH OF
- PRESIDENT TRUMP?
THANK YOU FOR ASKING, SUSAN
OH, I WASN'T ASKING OUT OF
SYMPATHY, MIKE, I WAS ASKING
I'VE A SIMMERING RAGE FOR HIS
INCOMPETENCE AND A SADISTIC HOPE
THAT HE IS NOT WELL.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THEN,
THE PRESIDENT IS DOING AMAZING
THANKS TO HIS TEAM OF TERRIFIED
DOCTORS.
- AS YOU HEARD FROM HIS PRIMARY
- PHYSICIAN, DR. HANDSOME LIAR,
TRUMP IS IN PEAK PHYSICAL
CONDITION.
- UH-HUH.
- AND TO BE CLEAR, WHAT
- IS
- MEDICATIONS HAS THE PRESIDENT
- TAKEN?
- ALMOST NONE, SUSAN.
- HE'S TAKEN ASPIRIN, WHICH HE'S
- ALWAYS TAKEN
AN INJECTION OF EXPERIMENTAL
MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES.
A MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AMOUNT
OF STEROIDS.
A WOMAN'S PROBIOTIC FOR BALANCE.
60 CCs OF HELIUM INTO HIS SKULL
SO HIS HEAD DOESN'T FALL OVER ON
TV
SO LIKE A BALLOON HEAD?
THAT'S CORRECT.
LIKE A BALLOON HEAD, YES
HE'S ALSO TAKING VIAGRA FOR
MORALE, AND SOME HORNY GOAT WEED
HE BOUGHT AT A GAS STATION,
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT BELIEVES
IN MEDICINE.
- UNLIKE SENATOR HARRIS, WHO SAID
- SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE A
VACCINE.
IF DR. FAUCI SAYS A VACCINE
IS GOOD, I WILL BE THE FIRST IN
LINE LIKE IT'S AN ANN TAYLOR
SAMPLE SALE.
BUT IF TRUMP SAYS IT'S SAFE, I
- WILL THROW THAT VACCINE IN THE
- TRASH LIKE LASTWEEK'S SHRIMP
PAD THAI
BESIDES, MAMA'S GOT ALL THE
- VACCINE SHE NEEDS RIGHT HERE
- SENATOR HARRIS, IF ELECTED,
WOULD YOU PACK THE SUPREME
COURT?
SUSAN, INSTEAD OF ANSWERING
THAT EXACT QUESTION, I'D LIKE TO
- TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHEN JOE
- PICKED ME TO BE HIS RUNNING
MATE
JOE TOLD ME WE WERE JUST GOING
- OUT FOR DINNER
- THEN HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW
THAT HE NEEDED HELP UP
AFTER THAT, HE GATHERED HIMSELF
AND SAID, "KA-MAH-LA, LET'S DO
THIS.
AND I SAID, "IT'S KAMALA.
AND HE SAID, "I WILL NEVER, EVER
GET THAT RIGHT.
- THAT'S VERY SWEET
- AND VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, HOW
DID PRESIDENT TRUMP ASK YOU?
HE TEXTED ME.
- OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE
- RELIGIOUS PSYCHOS MADE ME PICK
- PENCE.
- THEN HE TEXTED, OOPS, WRONG
PERSON
HE HASN'T TEXTED ME SINCE.
OH, EXCEPT IN MARCH HE WROTE,
CORONAVIRUS, YOURS NOW
- AND I'M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU
- DO TO STOP THAT VIRUS?
- BECAUSE JOE BIDEN AND I HAVE A
- PLAN -
- OH, LIKE SWINE FLU?
- WHAT?
SWINE FLU
2 MILLION DEAD
2 MILLION
IF YOU INCLUDE THE SWINE.
THOSE POOR LITTLE PIGGIES.
OKAY, THIS FOOL'S UP HERE
TALKING ABOUT DEAD PIGS.
LORD LOVE A DUCK.
KAMALA CAN'T GET A WORD IN
EDGEWISE
- THIS JOKER DROPS MORE ROAD
- APPLES THAN A BULL EATING A BRAN
- MUFFIN
- CALM DOWN, JOE, IT'S OKAY
NO, IT'S NOT, JILL.
I NEED TO DO SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELEPORT TO THAT
DEBATE AND SAVE THE SOUL OF THIS
NATION
WHOA, GOT UP TOO FAST.
SIR, THE TELEPORTATION
MACHINE'S NOT READY YET.
- IT NEEDS AT LEAST SIX MORE
- MONTHS
YOU HEARD HIM, JOE, IT'S TOO
DANGEROUS.
AND WHAT ABOUT COVID PROTOCOLS
DON'T WORRY, I'LL WEAR A
MASK
ON MY EYES
AND THAT IS HOW PRESIDENT
TRUMP WILL MAKE THE ECONOMY
BETTER BY MAKING IT WORSE.
I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, VICE
- PRESIDENT PENCE.
- THERE'S A...
- WAR ON POLICE IN THIS
- COUNTRY?
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
NO, NO, THERE'S A... UM...
THERE'S A GIANT...
LACK OF RESPECT FOR MILITIAS?
YOU'RE DARN RIGHT.
NO.
SENATOR HARRIS, HELP ME OUT.
OH, NO, I'M GOOD.
LOOKING REAL GOOD, MIKE, KEEP IT
UP
LET ME AT HIM
LET ME AT HIM!
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, DO YOU
- NOT FEEL THAT AT ALL
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL,
SUSAN.
I FEEL FOR THE BUSINESSES THAT
ARE GOING TO BE CRIPPLED BY JOE
BIDEN'S TAX CUTS
YES, YES.
YOUR ECONOMY IS SO IN THE
- TOILET
- I WANT TO LAY MY EGGS ON IT.
WHAT, WHAT
OH, NO, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
- A FLY IN THE TELEPORTATION
- MACHINE.
THAT'S WHY JOE TURNED INTO A
FLY.
YEAH, BUT THAT DOESN'T
EXPLAIN WHY HE SOUNDS LIKE JEFF
GOLDBLUM
GOD CREATED DINOSAURS
DINOSAURS BECOME REPUBLICANS
REPUBLICANS CREATE TRUMP
TRUMP DESTROYS GOD
HM
- OH, NO.
- NOW HE'S GONE FULL GOLDBLUM.
EVEN HAS THE GLASSES.
THE MOST POPULAR PLACE TO FIND A
PLACE.
- NO, NO - YES, YES
BECAUSE LIFE FINDS A WAY
MR. VICE PRESIDENT?
YES
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THERE'S
- ANOTHER ONE.
- ANOTHER ANTIFA RALLY?
NO SURPRISE THERE.
OH, HONEY, AT THIS POINT I'M
JUST ENJOYING THE SHOW
MAN, WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS
MIKE PENCE TRYING TO PULL?
DO TELL, DO TELL.
WAIT... I'M SORRY... FRIEND, YOU
LOOK FAMILIAR.
WELL, I BETTER.
I'M HERMAN CAIN.
REINCARNATED AS A DAMN FLY
AND THESE FOOLS, TRUMP AND
PENCE, KILLED ME, MAN.
THEY INVITED ME TO A RALLY WITH
NO MASK AND SAID, EVERYTHING'S
FINE, HERMAN
I TELL CORONA, IT DON'T TELL ME,
EVERYTHING IS FINE, HERMAN
THE WHITE HOUSE DOCTORS CHECK ME
OUT, EVERYTHING'S FINE, HERMAN
THREE DAYS LATER, I GET IT
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME,
DON'T TRUST THIS WHITE DEVIL
ABOUT THAT RONA.
- VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, I... I
- THINK ONE OF YOUR FLIES IS
SCREAMING AT YOU
GONNA GIVE YOU THE RONA
- OKAY, I THINK WE NEED TO SHUT
- THIS DEBATE DOWN FOR THE GOOD OF
HUMANITY
SENATOR HARRIS, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO DO WHAT EVERYONE AT HOME
WANTS TO DO?
OH, I WOULD
FLIES, ANYTHING ELSE YOU
WOULD LIKE TO ADD?
AM I DYING AGAIN?
- BE AFRAID - BE VERY AFRAID
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT
IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE.
WITH -
BECK BENNETT
AIDY BRYANT,
MICHAEL CHE,
PETE DAVIDSON,
MIKEY DAY,
HEIDI GARDNER,
COLIN JOST
KATE McKINNON,
ALEX MOFFAT,
KYLE MOONEY,
EGO NWODIM
CHRIS REDD
CECILY STRONG,
KENAN THOMPSON
MELISSA VILLASENOR
FEATURING...
ANDREW DISMUKES,
CHLOE FINEMAN,
LAUREN HOLT,
MIKEY JOHNSON,
BOWEN YANG
MUSICAL GUEST JACK WHITE
AND YOUR HOST, BILL BURR
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL BURR!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- THANK YOU.
I AM SO... I AM SO EXCITED TO BE
HERE
I HAVE BEEN DOING STANDUP
FOREVER.
AND THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A
LIFELONG DREAM OF MINE TO COME
- AND HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
- SO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
OUT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
COMING OUT DURING THESE
DIFFICULT TIMES.
YOU GOT TO LOOK LIKE SURGEONS
WITH YOUR MASKS ON
- MAKES ME FEEL COMFORTABLE THAT
- YOU'RE WEARING MASKS
- I LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR MASKS
- THAT'S GOOD.
- YOU'RE LISTENING TO THE
- EGGHEADS
THE PEOPLE WE ALL CHEATED OFF OF
IN HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?
KEEP LISTENING TO THEM
AND THEN IF YOU DON'T WEAR A
MASK, THAT DOESN'T BUG ME
EITHER, RIGHT?
TAKE OUT YOUR GRAND PARENTS.
YOU KNOW
TAKE OUT YOUR WEAK COUSIN WITH
THE ASTHMA, I DON'T CARE
IT'S YOUR DECISION
THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.
IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE
IF YOU'RE THAT DUMB AND YOU WANT
TO KILL YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS,
BY ALL MEANS, DO IT.
- STOPS YOU FROM REPRODUCING
- IT'S LITERALLY A DREAM COME
TRUE
AND SPEAKING OF DREAMS COME
TRUE... DID YOU SEE RICK MORANIS
GOT SUCKER PUNCHED ON THE UPPER
WEST SIDE?
NEW YORK IS BACK, BABY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
NEW YORK IS BACK, YES!
WE LOST OUR X-FACTOR FOR A
MINUTE
CITY STARTED LOOKING LIKE A
GIANT BED, BATH & BEYOND
- THEN BAM
- RICKY TOOK ONE IN THE CHOPS.
- IT HAD TO HAPPEN
- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
STICK AN M&Ms STORE IN TIMES
SQUARE, ALL RIGHT?
THE UNIVERSE HAS TO BALANCE
ITSELF
GET THE PEEP SHOWS BACK IN TIMES
SQUARE, OLD PEOPLE CAN WALK
SAFELY 40 BLOCKS AWAY.
I DON'T KNOW
I'LL PROBABLY GET CANCELED FOR
DOING THAT, YOU KNOW, HOW STUPID
THAT IS CANCELED THING
THEY'RE LITERALLY RUNNING OUT OF
- PEOPLE TO CANCEL
- THEY'RE GOING AFTER DEAD PEOPLE
- NOW.
- THEY'RE TRYING TO CANCEL JOHN
WAYNE.
IT'S LIKE, GOD DID THAT 40 YEARS
AGO.
THEY'RE ALL UP IN ARMS
THEY'RE LIKE DID YOU HEAR WHAT
HE SAID IN THAT INTERVIEW IN
"PLAYBOY" IN 1970?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT
IT'S LIKE, YEAH.
HE WAS BORN IN 1907.
THAT'S WHAT THESE PEOPLE SOUNDED
LIKE
YOU NEVER TALKED TO YOUR
GRANDPARENTS AND BROUGHT UP THE
- WRONG SUBJECT?
- ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY WENT OFF
THE RAILS?
LIKE OH, GOD
KEEP MAKING THE COOKIES.
YEAH, DON'T BRING UP RACE OR
RELIGION WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS.
YOU KEEP IT SIMPLE
ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW
I KNOW, I GET... MY GRANDPARENTS
ARE OLDER, I DON'T KNOW.
PLOWING AHEAD.
PLOWING AHEAD, LET'S TALK...
LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN HERE,
SHALL WE
LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN
- AMAZING.
- AMAZING YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS.
THE WAY WHITE WOMEN SOMEHOW
HIJACKED THE WOKE MOVEMENT
GENERALS AROUND THE WORLD SHOULD
BE ANALYZING THIS.
TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY, THE WOKE
- MOVEMENT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
- ABOUT PEOPLE OF COLOR.
NOT GETTING OPPORTUNITIES.
FINALLY MAKING THAT HAPPEN
- IT WAS ABOUT THAT, FOR ABOUT
- EIGHT SECONDS.
THEN SOMEHOW, WHITE WOMEN SWUNG
THEIR GUCCI-BOOTED FEET OVER THE
- FENCE OF OPPRESSION AND STUCK
- THEMSELVES AT THE FRONT OF THE
LINE
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DID IT
- I'VE NEVER HEARD SO MUCH
- COMPLAINING IN MY LIFE FROM
WHITE WOMEN.
I'M HURT
WITH MY SUV AND HEATED SEATS
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE ME
TRASHING WHITE GUYS.
- THE NERVE.
- WHERE'S THE CAMERA
THE NERVE OF YOU WHITE WOMEN
I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK ILL OF MY
BITCHES HERE, OKAY
- I KNOW
- LET'S GO BACK IN HISTORY HERE,
OKAY
YOU GUYS STOOD BY US TOXIC WHITE
MALES THROUGH CENTURIES OF OUR
CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.
YOU ROLLED AROUND IN THE BLOOD
MONEY.
- OCCASIONALLY WHEN YOU WANTED TO
- SNEAK OFF AND HOOK UP WITH A
BLACK DUDE, IF YOU GOT CAUGHT,
YOU SAID IT WASN'T CONSENSUAL.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!
THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!
SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, SIT
DOWN NEXT TO ME, AND TAKE YOUR
TALKING-TO
THANK YOU.
SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK
FOR ABOUT A YEAR, YOU KNOW
- I WAS HERE LAST YEAR, SHOOTING A
- MOVIE.
HAD A GREAT TIME WITH JUDD
APATOW, PETE DAVIDSON, AND ALL
- THE GUYS
- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YES, HAD A GREAT TIME.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN LIKE
- 13 YEARS
- I IMMEDIATELY NOTICED HOW EXTRA
CROWDED THE CITY WAS
I WAS GETTING CLAUSE TRO PHOBIC.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
PEOPLE NOT USING SAFE SEX,
- MAKING ALL THESE BABIES, YOU
- KNOW
SO I FINALLY WALKED UP TO THIS
NEW YORK DOOR GUY, WHAT'S GOING
- ON
- WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
- HE'S LIKE, OH, NO, DON'T WORRY,
- IT'S JUNE.
HE GOES, IT'S PRIDE MONTH.
AND I'M LIKE, WHAT'S THAT?
- YOU KNOW
- I'M 52, NEVER HEARD OF IT,
RIGHT?
DIDN'T HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A
KID.
HE GOES, GAY PRIDE MONTH
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, OOOH!
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE JUST STUCK
IN THE MATRIX AND YOU CAN'T...
EVERYTHING'S PRESSED UP, YOU
- CAN'T SEE ANYTHING
- SOMEBODY GIVES YOU THAT NUGGET
- OF INFORMATION THAT PULLS IT
- BACK
WHY'S IT SO CROWDED?
IT'S GAY PRIDE MONTH
OH
TANK TOPS!
ZERO PERCENT BODY FAT!
TWO GUYS KISSING
RAINBOW FLAGS!
AAH!
- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
- THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED.
THE MONTH OF JUNE IS GAY PRIDE
MONTH.
THAT'S A LITTLE LONG, DON'T YOU
THINK?
FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT WERE
NEVER ENSLAVED
HOW DID THEY GET ALL OF JUNE
THE BLACK PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY
ENSLAVED, THEY GET FEBRUARY.
THEY GET 28 DAYS OF OVERCAST
- WEATHER.
- SUN GOES DOWN AT 4:00 IN THE
- AFTERNOON.
- EVERYBODY'S SHIVERING.
NOBODY WANTS TO GO ON THE
PARADE
- HOW ABOUT YOU HOOK THEM UP WITH
- JULY
THESE ARE EQUATOR PEOPLE
GIVE THEM THE SUN FOR 31 DAYS.
THERE'S GAY BLACK PEOPLE, THEY
COULD CELEBRATE FROM JUNE 1st,
JUNE 31st, 61 DAYS TO CELEBRATE.
THAT'S MY TIME
- WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
- GUYS, EVERYBODY.
JACK WHITE IS HERE
EA SCKROD, E' BAZING.
PLSETI AUN WLLE
RIGHT BACK
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING
THIS, IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE A
REASON TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
WE METHOD WE COULD AT LEAST
GET TOGETHER OUT HERE SO WE CAN
SOCIAL DISTANCE ON THE DECK.
- AS MUCH AS WE WANT TO SEE
- PEOPLE I KNOW IT'S
- NERVE-RACKING.
- JEANNIE AND DON, WE HAVEN'T
SEEN YOU THIS WHOLE TIME
YEAH, I KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
- REALLY, REALLY DEEP IN OUR
- BUBBLE
YOU'RE THE FIRST PEOPLE WE'VE
SEEN IN SIX MONTHS
I HOPE WE REMEMBER HOW
YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE
FREAKED OUT SEEING PEOPLE IN 3D,
I'M GLAD WE DID THIS
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- SUCH A WEIRD TIME
- IT REALLY IS.
- IT'S A CLICHE, BUT IT'S
UNPRESIDENTED.
HA HA, THAT'S FUNNY
THAT IS FUNNY
WHAT?
WHAT'S FUNNY
YOU SAID UNPRESIDENTED.
AS A JOKE.
LIKE WE DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT
- OH, NO.
- I JUST... I SAID THE WORD.
YEAH, LIKE THEY SAY AT THE
BEGINNING OF EVERY COMMERCIAL,
IN THESE UNPRESIDENTED TIMES
IN THESE UNPRESIDENTED TIMES
YOU NEED SNICKERS OR WHATEVER.
OH, OKAY.
I GUESS WE HAD IT CONFUSED.
YEAH, BECAUSE THE WORD IS
- ACTUALLY -
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO
- THAT
- WELL, I WOULD WANT TO KNOW...
YOU CAN LET IT GO
I'M SORRY -
LET WHAT GO
NO, IT'S JUST THE WORD YOU'RE
THINKING OF IS UNPRECEDENTED
IS IT REALLY?
UNPREC... UNPRECEDENTED?
UNPRECEDENTED
OKAY
I GUESS... I GUESS WE SAID
THAT WRONG
UNPRECEDENTED, OKAY, THANK
YOU.
YES
- UNPREC... UNPRECEDENTED?
- THANK YOU.
- WELL... YOU KNOW WHAT'S
- UNPRECEDENTED?
THESE WINGS.
OH, DO YOU LIKE THEM?
I BAKED THEM
YEAH, I ACTUALLY THINK THEY
- TASTE BETTER THAN WHEN THEY'RE
- FRIED...
- I'M SORRY WE SAID THE WORD
- WRONG!
- I'M SORRY, WHAT, WHAT
- HAPPENED
I'M SORRY WE SAID THE WORD
WRONG IN YOUR HOUSE, OR THE...
ON YOUR DECK, SORRY, WE'RE ON
THE DECK
IT... IT WAS NOTHING...
WATCH IT, JEANNIE, DON'T SAY
- YOU'RE ON THE HOUSE WHEN WE'RE
- ON THE DECK, YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO SAY THE WRONG PLACE
WE MADE SO MANY MISTAKES
TONIGHT AND I'M SORRY!
SORRY
SORRY WE HAD THE NERVE TO MAKE
SO MANY MISTAKES ON YOUR DECK!
- DON'T GET UPSET, IT'S... IT'S
- NOTHING.
- YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE OTHER DAY
- I SAID DUA LIPPY INSTEAD OF DUA
LIPA -
WE HAVE NOT BEEN OUT OF THAT
HOUSE IN SIX MONTHS.
WE'VE HAD HOW MANY COVID
- SCARCE - I DON'T KNOW, I -
- 20, 20!
- I GET FEVERS, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHY, OKAY
SO SORRY IF WE'RE A LITTLE ON
EDGE, IT'S JUST WHERE WE'RE AT
OKAY, THIS IS JUST OUR NOON
NORMAL
OKAY
NEW NORMAL?
WHAT?
- DON'T CORRECT HIM, YOU AIN'T
- GOT TO CORRECT HIM -
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
I SAID NEW NORMAL.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
THE PHRASE IS NEW NORMAL.
HE SAID NOON NORMAL
NO, I KNOW.
BUT IT'S NEW NORMAL.
WHAT IS NOON NORMAL?
YOU KNOW, IT'S WHEN... IT'S
WHEN THE DAY'S GOING GREAT, AND
AROUND NOONTIME, IT JUST... I
- DON'T KNOW - GOOD GOD
WE ARE ALL WE HAVE!
WE ONLY SEE EACH OTHER, EVERY
- DAY!
- THINGS GET REPEATED
OUR BRAINS GET CONFUSED!
WE DON'T HAVE A DECK!
WE DON'T HAVE OUTDOOR LIGHTS
WE DON'T HAVE BAKED WINGS!
- WE'RE NOT RICH
- WE DRINK OUR MONEY, OKAY?
OUR MONEY GOES TO DRINKS!
GOOD JESUS!
I'M SORRY
I... I HAVE KICKED THE WINGS
I'M SORRY.
YEAH, I... I MIGHT HAVE
BROKEN A GLASS
AND... I THINK SHE BROKE ONE
TOO, SO WE OWE YOU TWO GLASSES,
ALL RIGHT?
FOR ALL INTENT AND PORPOISES,
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY WE'RE BAD
JEANNIE, DON, CALM DOWN, COME
ON
IT'S OKAY.
- THE WORLD IS REALLY STRESSFUL
- RIGHT NOW.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SORRY FOR
- ANYTHING
MY WINGS ARE EVERYWHERE,
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
WE'RE TOGETHER
AND WE'RE SAFE.
- AND HEALTHY.
- YEAH, YEAH.
AND THANK GOD NO ONE HAS COVID.
I THINK YOU MEAN COVIN.
WE'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF
GLASSES.
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S RIGHT.
- IT IS COVIN.
I MEANT TO SAY COVIN
HERE'S TO THE END OF COVIN!
GOOD MORNING
WELCOME TO "THE BLITZ.
I'M MICHELLE COMPTON
WITH ME AS ALWAYS IS HALL OF
FAME RECEIVER KEVIN "CASH"
DOZIER AND THE INCOMPARABLE GILL
SCOTT.
HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN?
WELL, I'VE BEEN BETTER,
MICHELLE
I AM FIRED UP, MICHELLE, HOW
- HOW ABOUT THEM BEARS
- I SEE GILL IS EXCITED TO TALK
- ABOUT CHICAGO'S WIN OVER
- TAMPA...
NO, NO, THAT WASN'T JUST A
WIN, THAT WAS A STATEMENT TO THE
REST OF THE NFL.
AND I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER MY
ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE, MR. HALL OF
FAMER HERE NOT ONLY CALLED ME A
STUPID IDIOT FOR BELIEVING IN
CHICAGO, BUT YOU EVEN BET ME A
STEAK DINNER AT LOMBARDO'S THAT
THEY'D LOSE.
DON'T TRY WEASELING OUT OF IT
LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.
- GILL SEEMS VERY HAPPY HERE.
- I AM MORE THAN HAPPY.
LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF
MY LIFE.
- I'M GOING TO PUT MY BEARS GEAR
- ON HERE.
I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY TO MAKE
ROOM FOR THAT STEAK YOU OWE ME,
BUDDY.
I SEE MR. QUIET OVER THERE
- DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY, DO
- YOU, HUH
LOOKING LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO CRY
OR SOMETHING
- HUH?
- NO, I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T
- ACTUALLY WATCH THE GAME.
- I BET YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU
OWE ME A STEAK
AS I WAS SAYING, I DIDN'T
WATCH THE GAME AFTER HEARING
ABOUT KAREEM JENKINS, THE BLACK
- MAN WHO WAS SHOT BY POLICE LAST
- NIGHT.
- IT WAS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.
- YEAH.
ME NEITHER, KEVIN.
FOOTBALL, SPORTS IN GENERAL,
EVERYTHING JUST FEELS SO SMALL
AFTER YESTERDAY'S TRAGEDY.
- YEAH, I TOTALLY AGREE,
- MICHELLE
- ALL I COULD WATCH WAS THE NEWS
- COVERAGE OF THE ONGOING PROTESTS
AND RIOTS.
OH, YEAH.
- THAT SPEECH FROM HIS PARENTS WAS
- TRULY HEARTBREAKING.
YEAH, YEAH.
I MEAN... THAT WAS TRULY... THAT
- WAS HEARTBREAKING.
- BUT GILL, SINCE YOU WATCHED
THE GAME LAST NIGHT...
I MEAN, I... I WATCHED... I
WATCHED SOME OF THE GAME
BUT I WAS... I WAS FLIPPING BACK
- AND FORTH BETWEEN THE NEWS
- BUT I WAS MOSTLY WATCHING THE
NEWS
WELL, YOU'RE A STRONGER MAN
- THAN I AM, GILL, BECAUSE I
- COULDN'T STOMACH ONE SECOND OF
- FOOTBALL LAST NIGHT.
- I WENT OUT AND SPOKE WITH
SOME PROTESTERS...
JUST TO BE CLEAR, THERE WAS A
TICKER SCORE AT THE BOTTOM OF
THE NEWS
THAT'S WHAT I WAS WATCHING
YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I SHOULD
- TAKE THIS CRAP OFF.
- I'M SORRY TO CUT YOU OFF,
- GILL
- I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS INTO THE
CAMERA
AS A BLACK MAN, I WANT TO KNOW,
WHEN THIS IS ALL GOING TO STOP
NO, NO, NOT NOW -
- I'M SO SORRY TO STOP YOU,
- KEVIN, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
- GOING ON HERE.
- OKAY.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
BUT... YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THAT
- KEVIN MIGHT WELCH ON OUR STEAK
- BET LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES, SO I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO HAVE
LOMBARDO'S SEND THIS TO THE
- I'M SORRY.
- PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE.
AND FOR THE BIG BABY?
THAT'S MY FAULT, THAT'S MY
- FAULT.
- WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S... IT'S A BABY BOTTLE.
BECAUSE I... I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE
BUCS LOSING.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
FRESH CRACKED PEPPER, SIR
- WHAT?
- NO, THAT'S FINE...
FRESH CRACKED PEPPER FOR YOUR
STEAK?
- I DON'T WANT THIS, I DON'T
- WANT THIS.
IS IT NOT THE RIGHT
TEMPERATURE?
- I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT IT
- IT'S PERFECT
JUST GET IT OUT OF HERE.
FINISH WHAT YOU WERE SAYING
WHILE GILL ENJOYS HIS JUICY
STEAK.
YEAH, SO AS I WAS SAYING, AS
A BLACK MAN, I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF ASKING... HEY... IS THAT A
FILTER ON ME
OKAY, I... I TOLD THE BOOTH
TO DO THAT... CUT IT OUT, GUYS,
PLEASE
YOU KNOW, I... JUST GET THIS
- STUPID STEAK OUT OF HERE,
- PLEASE.
- SORRY ABOUT THIS I'LL THROW
- IT RIGHT OUT
- JUST WRAP IT UP OR SOMETHING.
- IT'S NO PROBLEM, WE CAN THROW
IT AWAY.
PLEASE GET RID OF IT.
- WELL, MIGHT AS WELL WRAP IT UP,
- NOW THAT YOU HAVE IT.
OKAY, WHATEVER YOU WANT.
KEEP IT OUT IN THE OPEN
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY, OKAY
WHAT HAPPENED...
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT THE
- STEAK, GILL?
I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE
STEAK.
- OKAY
- I JUST... WE SHOULDN'T WASTE IT,
RIGHT?
SMELLS SO GOOD
JUST WRAP IT UP, PUT IT IN THE
- BREAK ROOM, SOMEONE WILL EAT IT
- EVENTUALLY.
- GILL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
- PRETEND.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND YOU'RE
- UPSET.
YOU CLEARLY ARE NOT.
I AM UPSET.
GIVE ME A CAMERA
OKAY, I WANT TO MAKE THIS
PERFECTLY CLEAR.
THAT NONT SUPPORT NOR WILL I BE
- DEFINED BY THE COMMENTS OF A
- COUPLE OF TROLLS
- WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT IS
- COMPLETELY UNACCEPTED...
UNACCEPTABLE AND IT BREAKS MY
HEART.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY.
- WHAT GUY?
THE... THE GUY YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH, BUT WHAT'S HIS NAME
YOU SAID IT EARLIER.
AND
GOD, THERE'S SO MANY GUYS TO
NAME, IT'S JUST... AND THAT'S
THE PROBLEM!
YOU KNOW, GIVE ME A SECOND
I SAW A HOMELESS GUY I CAN GIVE
- IT TO.
- ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO, SIR.
OKAY, THANK YOU
I WAS TOLD THAT YOU'D TAKE
CARE OF THE BILL
MAN, I AIN'T PAYING THIS DAMN
BILL.
SEE, SEE?
- I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO WELCH ON
- IT EVERY TIME.
DEAL'S A DEAL!
- > HEY, GUYS, IT'S ME, BENJI,
- FROM THE HIT SHOW "THE BUDDIES"
- ON NINTENDO TV
- I'VE ALSO GOT A BUNCH OF FUN
- AUDITIONS AND REALLY COOL STUFF
- COMING UP.
BUT I'M HERE TODAY BECAUSE THE
STATE OF THE WORLD IS SO AWFUL
I CAN'T SIT BACK AND JUST BE AN
ACTOR ANYMORE.
- NOT WITH THIS INCREDIBLE
- PLATFORM "THE BUDDIES" HAS GIVEN
ME
SO, MR. PRESIDENT, HEAR ME WHEN
I SAY...
THERE'S KIDS IN CAGE
ABOUT OUR LIVE
WELL ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
EVEN WEAR A MASK SO ENOUGH IS
EVERYTHING IS FINE I CAN'T SIT
I TAG LEONARDO DiCAPRI
POSTED.
I DID IT
HEY, KEVIN, HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
DID YOU SEE MY VIDEO
- YEAH, I JUST FELT LIKE I
- COULDN'T SIT BY ANY LONGER AND
NOT SAY SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
I NEEDED TO MAKE MY VOICE HEARD.
I SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN.
TAKE IT DOWN IMMEDIATELY
UH-HUH
NO ONE NEEDS THIS FROM ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT TO GO, KEVIN, KELSEY'S
CALLING ME
HEY, KELS, YOU SEE MY VID?
YES, YEAH, I JUST... YOU KNOW, I
WANTED TO USE MY PLATFORM AS AN
ARTIST... I SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN.
SHOULD TAKE IT DOWN RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, BUT... HERE'S... SO I
REALLY THINK THAT THIS IS SUCH
- AN IMPORTANT ELECTION, AND I
- FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO MY PART
AS AN ACTOR TO MAKE A
DIFFERENCE...
- I'M NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH.
- JUST A DESPERATE CAREER MOVE
- COULD ACTUALLY MOBILIZE HIS
- BASE
OKAY, KELS, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ACTUALLY GOT TO GO
- HEY, ROOMIE, JUST WANTED TO SAY
- SORRY ABOUT THE MESS IN THE
LIVING ROOM.
DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW, BUT -
TAKE IT DOWN
WELL, YEAH, I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE
- EMBARRASSING BECAUSE I REALIZED
- AFTER I SHOT IT THAT I FORGOT TO
PUT A SHIRT ON... NO ONE'S
BUYING THAT.
- YOU HEARD ME DOING PUSHUPS
- BEFORE
OH, SORRY, MY GIRLFRIEND'S HERE.
HEY, BABY.
YOU'RE NOT COMING IN
I JUST... WHAT
A BOX OF ALL MY STUFF.
- HELLO?
- IS THIS THE GUY FROM THE
- "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" VIDEO
- YES, I...
- DON'T TAG ME FOR THAT
- PATHETIC PIECE OF...
- I -
- THAT'S THE SADDEST, WEAKEST
THING I'VE EVER SEEN
I'M WATCHING IT AND I'M THINKING
- TO MYSELF, HOW THE DID
- THIS GUY EVEN GET TO THAT AGE
WITHOUT DYING?
YOU NEED TO TAKE IT DOWN
BECAUSE IT'S PATHETIC AND YOU'RE
A LOSER.
IT WORKED
JASON MOMOA KNOWS ME
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JACK WHITE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YOU HURT YOURSEL
WHEN YOU LIE TO ME
YOU HURT YOURSEL
I'M YOUR THIRD MAN GIR
BUT IT'S A FACT THAT
BUT IT'S A FACT THAT
TO THE PEOPL
YES I'M WALKIN
JUST COULDN'T GET OU
WAS MIGHTY
AND PEOPLE WER
WAS MIGHTY
AND PEOPLE WER
AND IT TRAVELED THROUGH THE
A BISCUIT SUGA
AND TAKE OUR SWEET
AND TAKE OUR SWEET
PLACE TO JUST GET OU
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE
- WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE.
- I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
THIS WEEK WAS MENTAL ILLNESS
AWARENESS WEEK
AND TRUST ME, WE'RE AWARE.
PRESIDENT AND ACTIVE BIOWEAPON
- DONALD TRUMP TOOK HIS DOCTORS
- HOSTAGE AND BROKE OUT OF THE
HOSPITAL LIKE SARAH CONNER IN
"TERMINATOR 2.
- AND I GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN IN
- A COMA AND THOUGHT THE YEAR WAS
2016, BECAUSE HE STARTED
DEMANDING HILLARY'S EMAILS AND
FOR THE FEDS TO ARREST OBAMA
THEN HE RELEASED A SERIES OF ODD
VIDEOS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
WHICH STARTED LIKE THIS.
PERHAPS YOU RECOGNIZE ME,
IT'S YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT
ACTUALLY, I BARELY RECOGNIZE
YOU, BECAUSE YOUR MAKEUP ARTIST
SEEMS TO HAVE GIVEN YOU THE
DOLEZAL.
ALSO, WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE
- THERE'S A GREEN SCREEN BEHIND
- YOU?
IT'S A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS WHEN
YOU GREEN SCREEN YOURSELF INTO
THE PLACE WHERE YOU ALREADY ARE.
- IT LOOKED LIKE YOU'RE SHOOTING A
- COMMERCIAL FOR A STATEN ISLAND
WEDDING VENUE.
MAKE ALL YOUR ROMANTIC DREAMS
- COME TRUE AT THE WHITE HOUSE
- WANT TO DO A BIG EVENT WITH NO
MASK
THE WHITE HOUSE!
- PRESIDENT TRUMP CLAIMED TO
- HAVE SURVIVED THE CORONAVIRUS.
YAY!
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY I'M
- DISAPPOINTED, BUT IT'S KIND OF
- LIKE WHEN THERE'S A CAR CRASH
AND THE ONLY SURVIVOR IS THE
DRUNK DRIVER
TRUMP SAID HIM GETTING COVID
- WAS, QUOTE, A BLESSING FROM
- GOD.
AND I BET EVEN GOD WAS LIKE,
"HEY, WE TRIED, GUYS."
ACTUALLY, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE
- MORE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS
- I MEAN, THERE'S TWO WAYS WE CAN
LOOK AT IT
EITHER TRUMP'S TELLING THE TRUTH
AND WE FINALLY HAVE A CURE FOR
COVID, OR TRUMP IS LYING AND
HE'S STILL GOING TO DIE.
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THAT'S A
WIN-WIN, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT
A LOSE-LOSE.
NO
I ALSO HAVE TO SAY, IT'S
AMAZING TO WATCH A GUY HAVE A
- NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE AND LEARN
- NOTHING FROM IT.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING SOMEONE SMOKE
THROUGH THE HOLE IN THEIR NECK
IN FACT, TRUMP IS NOW TRYING TO
CONVINCE AMERICANS THAT COVID
ACTUALLY MAKES YOU STRONGER, AND
THAT IT MADE HIM FEEL BETTER
THAN HE DID 20 YEARS AGO
SO HE WENT FROM COVID IS A HOAX,
TO COVID WILL DISAPPEAR ONE DAY
LIKE A MIRACLE, AND NOW HE'S
LIKE, ACTUALLY, COVID IS THE
MIRACLE AND IT WAS INSIDE OF US
ALL ALONG.
IF GETTING COVID IS GOOD, HIS
SUPPORTERS ARE IN LUCK
THIS IS HIM AT A RALLY LAST WEEK
WHEN HE HAD CORONA
COME ON, LOOK AT HIM
HE'S LIKE AN EVIL OPRAH.
- YOU'RE GETTING COVID, YOU'RE
- GETTING COVID, YOU'RE GETTING
- COVID!
- LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS, IT'S A
VENTILATOR!
IT'S A DARK SHOW.
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT A
- THERAPEUTIC DRUG FROM REGENERON,
- WHICH IS DERIVED FROM STEM
CELLS, IS THE CURE FOR COVID,
WHICH SEEMED UNLIKELY,
UNFOUNDED, IRRESPONSIBLE, AND I
CAN'T WAIT TO BUY 1,000 SHARES
OF REGENERON BABY JUICE STOCK.
I CALL IT BABY JUICE
- YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF FUNNY
- THAT THESE OLD REPUBLICANS ARE
- SO ANTI-ABORTION WHEN IT COMES
- TO EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT THEN THEY
- DO A COMPLETE 180 AS SOON AS
- STEM CELLS CAN SAVE THEIR LIVES
- OR WHEN I GET THEIR DAUGHTER
- PREGNANT
WHAT
WHAT
LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP
- RECEIVED A MEDICAL EVALUATION ON
- FOX NEWS
HERE TO GIVE A SECOND OPINIO
IS "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" RESIDENT
MEDICAL EXPERT DR. WAYNE
WEKNOWDIS.
HELLO, DOCTOR
HELLO, DR. WEKNOWDIS
- YOU ARE HIGHLY RESPECTED IN YOUR
- FIELD.
- YES, WEKNOWDIS.
- SO THANK YOU FOR HELPING MAKE
- SENSE OF THIS, BECAUSE HAVING A
- TELEVISED MEDICAL EXAM IS HIGHLY
UNUSUAL.
YES
WE DO KNOW DIS
YEAH, SO ON FOX, TRUMP
ANSWERED SOME QUESTIONS FROM A
DOCTOR
WE KNOW DIS
TRUMP WON'T SAY IF HE HAS A
NEGATIVE TEST YET.
WE DON'T KNOW DIS
HE MIGHT TECHNICALLY STILL BE
CONTAGIOUS.
WE KNOW DIS
HE'S STILL SO GOOD, HE SAID,
I MAY BE IMMUNE.
WHAT IS DIS
- NOW HE'S HOLDING RALLIES.
- WHO DOES DIS?
HE DO DIS.
WE HATE DIS.
WE KNOW DIS.
I'M SORRY, DR. WEKNOWDIS.
YES
ARE YOU SAYING WE KNOW THIS
OR ARE YOU SAYING YOUR LAST
NAME
OKAY, YES
WEKNOWDIS IN GREEK IT TRANSLATES
TO, WE KNOW THIS, LIKE, WE ARE
AWARE OF THIS.
- OKAY.
- OKAY, YEAH
- I THINK I GOT IT.
- UH-HUH.
SO IS THERE A RISK OF TRUMP
INFECTING MORE PEOPLE NOW THAT
HE'S GONE BACK IN THE WHITE
HOUSE?
OKAY, VERY COMPLICATED.
HOW... HOW CAN I SAY THIS SO YOU
CAN GET IT
A ROOM HAVE AIR, RIGHT
- WE KNOW DIS.
- AND EVERYBODYHAVE A NOSE, WE
KNOW DIS
EVERYBODY'S FACE, IT HAVE A
HOLE
EVERYBODY GET THE VIRUS.
WE KNOW DIS.
UH-HUH.
WE KNOW DIS.
OKAY, WE KNOW THIS, YEAH.
NOW TRUMP DID SAY HE'S GOING TO
GIVE THE COVID DRUG HE GOT TO
- EVERYONE WHO NEEDS IT FOR FREE
- IS THAT POSSIBLE OR TRUE
NO.
- I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY A LITTLE
- MORE
OKAY
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, TRUMP IS CLEARLY ITCHING
TO GET BACK ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL, AND I'M WONDERING, NOW
- HE'S PLANNING TO HOLD A RALLY IN
- FLORIDA ON MONDAY.
- IS IT SAFE FOR HIM TO GO TO
- FLORIDA?
- WE DON'T KNOW DIS
- BECAUSE HE STILL MIGHT BE
CONTAGIOUS
NO, JUST BECAUSE FLORIDA,
SEEM LIKE A FREAKY PLACE
- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
- STOPPING BY, DOCTOR...
OH WAIT, NO, NO, NO
WHILE I'M HERE, I HAVE TO GIVE
- YOU AN EXAM.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY -
- I'VE GOT TO TAKE YOUR BLOOD
- PRESSURE -
THAT'S OKAY, DOCTOR
I'M IN AMAZING SHAPE
WE, WE KNOW DIS
GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.
OKAY, THANK YOU
BLOOD PRESSURE.
[ SQUEAKING
BLOOD PRESSURE
WE DON'T NEED TO DO THIS.
KATE.
KATE
ARE YOU OKAY
I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OKAY, OKAY.
WHAT... WHAT IS GOING ON
I'M SORRY
IT'S SUCH A CRAZY TIME
- AND THIS IS SOMETHING I STARTED
- DOING TO COPE.
I HAVE A LOT OF WIGS AND
MOUSTACHES AT MY DISPOSAL.
IT'S A NICE WAY TO ESCAPE.
YOU KNOW, REFRESHING TO PLAY A
CHARACTER WHO... WHO KNOW DIS.
- OKAY, SURE.
- I MEAN, WHO WILL WIN THE
ELECTION
WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WHEN WILL THE PANDEMIC END
THIS, WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WORLD?
WE DO NOT KNOW DIS
BUT COLIN, THE ONE THING WE DO
KNOW IS THAT... NO
WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WELL, LISTEN.
I KNOW IT IS VERY STRESSFUL.
I KNOW THIS IS VERY HARD RIGHT
NOW.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BEING
- VERY RESILIENT ABOUT IT.
- I KNOW EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T
SEEM GOOD, DON'T WORRY, WE CAN
FIGURE THIS OUT, WE CAN DO THIS.
WE CAN DO WHAT?
WE CAN DO DIS.
WE KNOW DIS
DR. WEKNOWDIS, EVERYONE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
ORTHODOX JEWISH LEADERS IN
NEW YORK CITY LASHED OUT AT A
- NEWLY IMPOSED CORONAVIRUS
- RESTRICTION IN THEIR
NEIGHBORHOOD BY SETTING FIRES
AND BURNING MASKS.
AND IT'S A MIRACLE, THE MASKS
BURNED FOR EIGHT NIGHTS.
COME ON
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, COME ON.
STOP IT, STOP IT.
- > GOLDMAN SACHS IS REPORTING
- THAT IF JOE BIDEN WINS THE
- ELECTION AND DEMOCRATS REGAIN
- CONTROL OF CONGRESS, THE ECONOMY
- WILL RECOVER FASTER.
- I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT
- I JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT THAT
- TRUMP'S ONLY THING HE SAYS HE'S
GOOD AT IS THE ECONOMY, AND THE
ECONOMY ITSELF WAS LIKE, I'M
VOTING FOR BIDEN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THIS IS THE WORST.
- A NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUME BEING
- SOLD THIS YEAR IS FOR SEXY HAND
SANITIZER.
WHICH I THINK IS JUST LUBE
- > McDONALD'S ANNOUNCED THAT
- FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A DECADE
- IT'S ADDING NEW ITEMS TO ITS
- BREAKFAST BAKERY MENU, INCLUDING
AN APPLE FRITTER, A BLUEBERRY
MUFFIN, AND SIN MONTHLY ROLLS.
- ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF
- ONE OF YOUR FEET
YANKEES LEGEND WHITEY FORD
DIED THIS WEEK AT THE AGE OF 91.
FORD REMINDS US OF A SIMPLER
TIME WHEN YOU COULD JUST NAME
YOUR KID "WHITEY.
IT IS DARK.
- > SIZZLER RESTAURANTS HAVE
- ANNOUNCED AS A RESULT OF THE
IMPACT FROM COVID, THEY ARE
FILING FOR BANKRUPTCY.
PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA, SINCE THE
SIZZLER BUFFET IS THE CLOSEST
THING AMERICA HAS TO A WUHAN WET
MARKET
OH!
- > RESEARCHERS IN NOVA SCOTIA
- HAVE FOUND A 50-YEAR-OLD GREAT
- WHITE SHARK THAT THEY ARE
- CALLING QUEEN OF THE OCEAN,
BECAUSE HE GAY AS HELL
- > PENNSYLVANIA... PENNSYLVANIA
- POLICE ARRESTED A MAN WHO TRIED
- TO RENT A HORSE ONLINE SO THAT
- HE AND HIS WIFE COULD HAVE SEX
- WITH THE ANIMAL.
- BUT THE MAN HAD NO IDEA THAT THE
- WHOLE TIME HE WAS ACTUALLY
- CHATTING WITH A POLICE HORSE
THANK YOU, THANK YOU
THANK YOU, THANK YOU
OVER THE SUMMER, HARRY POTTER
- AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING WAS ACCUSED
- OF TRANSPHOBIA FOR COMPARING
- TRANSGENDER HORMONE THERAPY TO
- FORCED GAY CONVERSION.
- WITH MORE ON THIS, IT'S PETE
- DAVIDSON
- YAY - THANKS, COLIN.
- I... I JUST LEARNED IT'S MENTAL
- ILLNESS AWARENESS WEEK, SO I
- WANTED TO MAKE EVERYONE AWARE.
- WE OUT HERE AND WE CRAZY
GO, GIANTS
SEASON'S NOT OVER.
SEASON STARTS TOMORROW
THIS IS THE GIANTS' YEAR,
- EVERYBODY SAYS IT.
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE
- J.K. ROWLING CONTROVERSY
- I THINK I'M NEVER GETTING
- ANOTHER TATTOO FOR THE REST OF
- MY LIFE.
- DON'T GET TATTOOS.
- I GOT A HARRY POTTER TATTOO
- YEARS AGO, BECAUSE I'M NOT
- PSYCHIC.
- I DIDN'T KNOW J.K. ROWLING WAS
- GOING TO GO ALL MEL GIBSON ON
- US -
I HAVE A "GAME OF THRONES"
TATTOO, AND NOW I'M TERRIFIED
ONE DAY GEORGE R.R. MARTIN IS
GOING TO BE LIKE, HEY, IF YOU
ENJOYED WHAT I HAD TO SAY ABOUT
DRAGONS AND DIRE WOLVES, WAIT
- TILL YOU HEAR WHAT I THINK ABOUT
- PUERTO RICANS!
ALSO, I HAVE A WINNIE-THE-POOH
- TATTOO, AM I GONNA HAVE TO FIND
- OUT HE WAS DIDDLING PIGLET THE
WHOLE TIME
THIS IS MADNESS!
- IT'S CRAZY TIMES WE LIVE IN!
- IT'S NOT FAIR.
HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU
FIRST HEARD THAT ROWLING SAID
SOMETHING TRANSPHOBIC?
IT REALLY HURT, BECAUSE I
- HAVE A CLOSE CONNECTION TO THOSE
- MOVIES
I LOOK LIKE DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF
IF HE BECAME A TIKTOK RAPPER
THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.
IT IS SCARILY ACCURATE
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME
AND DOBBY IS I'M A REAL PERSON
AND HIS MOVIES GET RELEASED IN
THEATERS
OH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
SO YOU FOUND WHAT J.K. ROWLING
SAID DISAPPOINTING
VERY DISAPPOINTING, YEAH
I LONG FOR A FEW YEARS AGO WHERE
THE WORST THING SHE EVER DID WAS
THE "FANTASTIC BEASTS" MOVIES.
- THERE'S NO DISCRIMINATION THERE,
- THOSE FILMS HARMED US EQUALLY.
- I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
- SHE CREATES A SEVEN-BOOK FANTASY
- SERIES ABOUT ALL TYPES OF
- MYTHICAL CREATURES LIVING IN
HARMONY WITH WIZARDS AND ELVES
AND THE ONE THING SHE CAN'T WRAP
HER HEAD AROUND IS LAVERNE COX
SHE'S A NATIONAL TREASURE!
DID YOU FIND WHAT J.K. SAID
SURPRISING, THEN
- YEAH, AT FIRST.
- THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT
THE FANTASTICAL WORLD SHE
CREATED.
- THE WOODS ARE CONTROLLED BY
- CENTAURS
THE SCHOOLS ARE RUN BY WIZARDS
AND GHOSTS
WHO CONTROLS THE BANKS
JEWS, OBVIOUSLY!
- LITTLE GIANT-NOSED JEW GOBLINS
- I CAN SAY THAT, BECAUSE AS YOU
CAN SEE, I'M HALF GOBLIN
COME ON, IF THIS ISN'T A JEWS
RUN THE BANKS REFERENCE, WHY DO
- THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ALAN
- DERSHOWITZ
YOU'VE BEEN DERSH'D, DERSH
YEAH, NO... SO PETE, WILL YOU
STOP READING THE BOOKS
I NEVER READ ANY OF THE
BOOKS, AND I SAW PART OF
"AZKABAN" ON THE PLANE ONCE.
PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE
- FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
- COLIN JOST
I'M MICHAEL CHE
- > BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO
- BUSINESS, HOW ABOUT A WELCOME
HOME AFTER 20 YEARS IN THE
JOINT, DON PAULY
- SALUD!
- SALUD
I LOOK AROUND THIS ROOM, I
SEE WHAT USED TO BE THE MOST
- RUTHLESS, POWERFUL CRIME FAMILY
- IN THE CITY.
DAMN RIGHT!
SHUT UP
I SAID USED TO BE.
BECAUSE THAT SURE AS HELL AIN'T
WHAT IT IS NOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GANG
WE USED TO OWN THIS CITY
I GO AWAY 20 YEARS, ALL OF A
- SUDDEN NOW THERE'S FRIGGING
- MEXICANS CONTROLLING THE
NEIGHBORHOOD
UM... OKAY.
WHAT, WHAT'D I SAY?
I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?
- NO DISRESPECT, DON PAULY, WE
- ALL GET YOUR POINT
I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD
YOU MADE IT SO, I DON'T KNOW -
RACIAL
YES, THANK YOU, ONE PERSON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
RACIAL
VINNY?
THE DIABLOS CONTROL THE DRUGS IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, DO THEY NOT
THEY DO
- THEY DO.
- OKAY.
LAST I CHECKED, THE DIABLOS ARE
FRIGGING MEXICANS, ARE THEY NOT?
AND HE'S DOUBLING DOWN,
GREAT.
WOOF!
JOE, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH
- WHAT I'M SAYING?
- WE'RE LOSING MONEY OVER HERE
- WE UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT, DON
- PAULY.
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOUR
- CHOICE OF WORDS TO SOME PEOPLE
MAY SEEM, I DON'T KNOW,
OUTDATED
MY CHOICE OF WORDS?
IS THIS A JOKE
HUH?
IS THERE A HIDDEN VIDEO AROUND
IS JIMMY KENNEDY SOMEWHERE
AROUND TO FILM ME?
- JAMIE KENNEDY
- WHO'S JAMIE KENNEDY?
- JAMIE KENNEDY
- THE KING OF THE PRANKS
HE DOES THE TV SHOW.
HE PRANKS PEOPLE
OH, YOU MEAN ASHTON KUTCHER
NO, KUTCHER WAS "PUNK'D.
LOOK, JUST FORGET IT, FORGET
IT
- ALL RIGHT?
- AM I LOSING MY FREAKING MIND
HERE
NICKY THE NOSE, YOU'D TELL ME IF
I WAS GOING NUTS, RIGHT, YOU'D
TELL ME.
- HEY, DON PAULY.
- YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN NO
DISRESPECT TO YOU.
BUT I JUST GO BY NICKY NOW
WHAT?
YOU'VE BEEN NICKY THE NOSE SINCE
WE WERE KIDS
YEAH, WE DON'T GIVE PEOPLE
NICKNAMES BASED ON THEIR
PHYSICAL APPEARANCES ANYMORE
THAT'S CALLED SHAMING.
AND IT DON'T FEEL TOO GREAT
SOMETIMES.
YEAH, SEE, DON PAULY, YOUR
WORDS HAVE, I DON'T KNOW, POWER.
YES, THANK YOU.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FRIGGING
- EARS
I MEAN, ARE WE STILL GANGSTERS
WE STILL IN THE FRIGGING MOB
OVER HERE?
OF COURSE WE ARE, DON PAULY,
- BUT A LOT'S CHANGED IN THE PAST
- 20 YEARS.
NO KIDDING.
THIS GANG DIDN'T USED TO BE
- FILLED WITH A BUNCH OF QUEERS.
- OH!
WHOA!
EASY!
- EASY, DON PAULY
- NO DISRESPECT, BUT AS SOMEONE
WHO IDENTIFIES AS QUEER, I TAKE
A LITTLE EXCEPTION TO THAT
LAST COMMENT OF YOURS.
WHAT?
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I THINK
I'M GOING TO TAKE A MENTAL
- HEALTH DAY, AND I'M GOING TO
- WORK FROM HOME NOW.
OF COURSE, JOHNNY, GOD BLESS.
SALUD!
SALUD
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL
ABOUT?
DON PAULY, YOU GOT TO
UNDERSTAND
JOHNNY IS... SENSITIVE
SENSITIVE
HE'S A FRIGGING MURDERER.
HEY, "THEY'RE" A FRIGGING
- MURDERER
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU PEOPLE,
- HUH?
- WHOA, WHOA.
YOU PEOPLE
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, DON PAULY,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY YOU PEOPLE
I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, I
JUST MEANT EVERYBODY IN GENERAL.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO'S THE BLACK CHICK?
UM... THE WOMAN OF COLOR
YOU'RE REFERRING TO IS GLADYS.
SHE'S OUR CAPO
OF THIS GANG?
HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN
WE GOT SLAMMED PRETTY HARD ON
TWITTER FOR OUR LACK OF
DIVERSITY.
YOU REMEMBER THE HASHTAG,
#MAFIASOLITE
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE FRIGGING
- KIDDING ME
- DON PAULY, WITH ALL DUE
- RESPECT, REPRESENTATION IS VERY
IMPORTANT, EVEN IN CRIME
BESIDES, I'M MORE CAPABLE AND
DANGEROUS THAN ANY CIS BLACK OR
WHITE MALE GANGSTER HERE
- OH, REALLY?
- OKAY
ALL RIGHT.
THEN SHOOT VINNY
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, DON
PAULY, THAT'S NOT HOW...
OH!
WHOA!
- WHOA, GET OVER HERE, THAT'S
- WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ALL
RIGHT!
LET ME OFFICIALLY WELCOME YOU TO
- THE...
- HEY
- DID THIS GUY JUST FRICKIN' TRY
- TO KISS ME
- WHOA, WITHOUT CONSENT
- IN A PANDEMIC
WHOA!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- > SAM ADAMS HAS BREWED
- SIGNATURE BEERS IN THE HEART OF
- BOSTON SINCE 1984.
- WHO BETTER TO CHECK OUT OUR
JACK-O-PUMPKIN BOSTON ALE THAN
REAL BOSTONIANS?
IT'S GOT THAT GREAT SAM ADAMS
TASTE, BUT THE PUMPKIN FLAVOR
KICKED IT UP A NOTCH.
I LOVE SAM ADAMS, BUT THIS
MIGHT EVEN BE BETTER
JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT THE IS THAT
- OKAY.
- THIS IS THE PERFECT BEER FOR
- SWEATER WEATHER.
- ALL RIGHT
LET'S TRY THIS FOR REAL.
I DON'T LIKE THAT.
- I'M NOT REALLY A BEER
- DRINKER, BUT THIS MIGHT CHANGE
THAT
THIS IS THE KIND OF BEER
- SOMEBODY BRINGS TO A PARTY AT
- YOUR HOUSE, AND THEN IT JUST
LIKE SITS IN THE FRIDGE FOR LIKE
EIGHT MONTHS
THEN ONE DAY YOUR BUDDY COMES
OVER, HEY, YOU GOT A BEER?
I'M LIKE, WELL, I GOT THIS
PUMPKIN.
- DRINK IT, YOU KNOW, IT GETS YOU
- A BUZZ -
COME ON
I'M COMING!
YOU'VE BEEN SITTING THERE FOR
HALF AN HOUR ENJOYING MYSELF -
- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR
- MOTHER
- OH, THERE YOU GO
- YOU GUYS SHOULD SELL THIS
- YEAR ROUND, SERIOUSLY...
- JUST GRABBING ONE MORE.
OH, WATCH IT, MY BAD
GETTING OLD IS HARD.
- I CAN DEFINITELY TASTE THE
- HOPS
- REESE'S PUFFS
- WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?
- GET SOME STOP & SHOP CORN FLAKES
- IN THE WELFARE BAG
WHAT IS THAT LOOK?
GOING TO TAKE A SWING AT ME?
IS TODAY THE DAY
TODAY IS THE DAY YOU TAKE A
SWING AT YOUR OLD MAN?
ARE YOU A NEW MAN NOW?
I DIDN'T THINK SO!
GET OFF ME!
GET OFF OF ME!
GET OFF ME
SAM ADAMS JACK-O-PUMPKIN ALE.
REAL BOSTONIANS AGREE, IT'S...
KIND OF SWEET AND,
BUT YOU KNOW, TH
ONCE AGAIN, JACK WHITE
YO TRABAJO DUR
AND EVEN GOD HERSELF
HAS FEWER PLANS THAN M
- FOR FREE THOUG
- SHE GRABS A STICK AN
I SAY EVERYTHING
WHEN I SAY NOTHING
IN A LAZARETTO
BORN ROTTE
I USED TO KNOW
OUT OF COFFEE AND COTTON
THROWN DOWN TO THE WOLVE
MADE FERAL FOR NOTHING
AND I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE
TIME IS LOST
NO TIME AT ALL
I JUMP UP AND LET HE
DOWN THE PRISO
THEY'RE LIGHTING FIRES
AND LIKE THE DOUGH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- JACK WHITE -
- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
- MAYA RUDOLPH, JIM CARREY, THE
- ENTIRE CAST.
I HAD THE BEST TIME.
EDDIE VAN HALEN, REST IN PEACE
- THE CAST, THE BAND, I HAD THE
- BEST TIME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY
GOODNIGHT!