Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 4 - Adele/H.E.R. - full transcript

Host Adele; H.E.R. performs.

♪♪♪

>>> GOOD EVENING.

I'M KRISTEN WELKER, AND IT IS

THE HONOR OF A LIFETIME TO

MODERATE THE SECOND AND, PRAISE

JESUS, FINAL PRESIDENTIAL

DEBATE.

TONIGHT WE HAVE A MUTE BUTTON

BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER THAT OR

TRANQUILIZER DARTS, AND THE

PRESIDENT HAS A VERY HIGH



TOLERANCE FOR THOSE AFTER HIS

COVID TREATMENT.

SO, PLEASE WELCOME PRESIDENT

DONALD TRUMP AND FORMER VICE

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

♪♪♪

GOOD EVENING GENTLEMAN, AND

WELCOME TO THE DEBATE.

ARE WE READY TO BEGIN?

>> YES, BUT FIRST, HOW DOES THIS

MUTE BUTTON WORK?

DO I JUST HAUL OFF AND SLAP HIM

IN THE MOUTH?

>> NO, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WE'LL



TAKE CARE OF THAT ON OUR OWN.

>> ARE YOU SURE?

BECAUSE I THINK EVERYBODY WOULD

LOVE TO SEE ME DO IT.

>> OKAY, REALLY?

THINK YOU'RE SOME TOUGH GUY

BECAUSE OF ALL THAT MONEY FROM

CHINA?

>> AH AH AH.

I'LL PUSH IT.

IT'S NOT CONNECTED TO ANYTHING,

BUT I'LL PUSH IT.

OUR FIRST QUESTION ON THE

CORONAVIRUS IS FOR PRESIDENT

TRUMP.

MORE THAN 40,000 AMERICANS ARE

IN THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT WITH

COVID.

HOW WOULD YOU LEAD THE COUNTRY

DURING THE NEXT STAGE OF THIS

CRISIS?

>> WHAT A NICE QUESTION.

THANK YOU, HODA.

CAN I JUST SAY, YOU'RE REALLY

DOING A GREAT JOB.

>> IT'S CREEPIER WHEN YOU'RE

NICE, BUT THANK YOU.

>> NO REALLY, YOU'RE TAKING VERY

GOOD CARE OF US TONIGHT.

NOW COULD YOU JUST TELL US THE

SPECIALS, PLEASE.

>> MR. TRUMP, I'M THE MODERATOR.

I'M NOT YOUR WAITRESS.

>> OKAY.

JUST SOME WATERS, PLEASE.

CORONAVIRUS, SO BORING, RIGHT?

BUT WE'RE DOING TERRIFIC.

WE'RE ROUNDING THE CORNER.

IN FACT WE'VE ROUNDED SO MANY

CORNERS WE'VE GONE ALL THE WAY

AROUND THE BLOCK AND WE'RE BACK

WHERE WE START IN MARCH.

>> COME ON, MAN, WE'RE IN THE

MIDDLE OF A THIRD WAVE.

WHERE I COME FROM IF A GIRL GAVE

YOU A THIRD WAVE, YOU WERE

PRACTICALLY MARRIED.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME

IT IS.

IT'S HALF PAST COME ON, MAN.

>> NO, IT'S NOT A WAVE.

IT'S NOT A WAVE.

A WAVE GOES LIKE THIS.

AND THIS IS GOING LIKE THIS.

SURE, THERE'S BEEN A TINY

CORONAVIRUS SPIKE IN FLORIDA AND

A TEENSY SPIKE IN ARIZONA.

AND A TUNESY WUNSEY ONE IN NORTH

DAKOTA.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,

BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER DAKOTA

SOMEWHERE.

>> JUST BREATHE, JOE.

IF YOU DON'T BREATHE, YOU'LL

DIE.

>>IN JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS, IF

YOU VOTE FOR ME, THE VACCINE

WILL BE HERE AND WILL BE

DISTRIBUTED BY THE MILITARY.

>> I'M SORRY.

YOU SAID THE MILITARY WILL

DISTRIBUTE THE VACCINE?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, THE ARMY WILL

COME AND SHOOT IT WITH A CANNON

INTO YOUR FACE.

LOOK, I HAD IT.

IT WAS VERY MEAN TO ME, BUT I

BEAT IT AND NOW DOCTORS SAY I

CAN NEVER DIE.

AND THE VIRUS SAID TO ME, SIR,

I HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BODY NOW.

AND THE VIRUS WAS CRYING.

VERY SAD.

DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE MY BODY.

THE POINT IS, WE'RE ALL LEARNING

TO DEAL WITH IT.

>> LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT?

WE'RE LEARNING TO DIE WITH IT,

MAN!

♪♪♪

>> LOOKS LIKE MR. BIDEN IS SO

MAD HE'S EASTWOODING IT A LITTLE

BIT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW I BELIEVE THE LITTLE LADY

ASKED YOU ABOUT A PLAN.

WHY DON'T YOU ENLIGHTEN US,

PUNK?

>> I HAVE A PLAN.

IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLAN

YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

>> YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN

FOR ME.

FIRST I'M CREEPY.

THEN I'M SLEEPY.

YOU SAY I HAVE DEMENTIA.

THEN YOU SAY I'M A CRIMINAL

MASTER MIND.

WHICH ONE IS IT KIMO SABE.

>> I CAN'T SHOW YOU BECAUSE IT'S

BEING AUDITED ALONG WITH MY

TAXES,

WHICH I PREPAID JUST LIKE A DRUG

DEALER'S PHONE.

I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY,

EVEN THOUGH IT CAME FROM CHINA

ON A PLANE PILOTED BY NANCY

PELOSI FULL OF MEXICANS.

SHOT DOWN ON HER WAY TO PEDO

ISLAND.

>> COME ON, AMERICA.

I HATE THE CURSE IN FRONT OF A

WOMAN, BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF

MALARKY.

>> THAT'S OUR FIRST MALARKY.

IF YOU'RE PLAYING BIDEN BINGO AT

HOME, TAKE A SHOT.

MR. PRESIDENT.

>> THANK YOU, PADMA.

LOOK, PEOPLE LOVE HOW I'VE

HANDLED THE WU TANG VIRUS.

IF HE WAS IN CHARGE WE'D ALL BE

IN OUR BASEMENTS AND THAT'S

WHERE THE HAUNTED ANNABELLE DOLL

LIVES.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING

THAT'S A VERY SCARY DOLL.

SHE'S SO SCARY.

SOME ARE SAYING THAT'S THE MOST

SCARY DOLL.

AND THAT'S NOT COWARDLY.

THAT'S JUST SMART, OKAY?

WE CAN'T SPEND ALL DAY IN THE

BASEMENT.

WE'RE NOT ALL RICH LIKE JOE,

WITH ALL THE MONEY YOU GOT FROM

CHINA.

>> LOOK AT ME.

DO I LOOK REMOTELY RICH?

IF I HAVE MONEY, WHERE AM I

SPENDING IT?

I LIVE IN DELAWARE.

A NIGHT OUT IS $28.

COME ON!

I BOUGHT THIS SUIT ON A TRAIN.

COME ON!

IF I HAD $3 MILLION EXTRA WOULD

I BE TAKING THE TRAIN TO WORK?

NO!

I'D BE PULLING UP TO THE CAPITAL

DOME WITH A CANDY RED TRANS-AM

AND KENNY LOGGINS PLAYING IN THE

BACK.

NOT A RECORDING, THE REAL

KENNY LOGGINS.

CAN I GET A COME ON?

>> COME ON!

THAT IS FUN.

NOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP YOU SAID A

VACCINE WOULD BE COMING WITHIN

WEEKS.

IS THAT TRUE?

>> ANYTHING CAN BE WEEKS, OKAY?

A MONTH IS FIVE WEEKS.

BUT A YEAR IS 36 OR SOMETHING.

BUT I GUARANTEE THE VACCINE IS

COMING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TWO AND

700 WEEKS.

OKAY?

UNTIL THEN, WE HAVE TO WEAR THE

STUPID MASKS AND THE LITTLE

GOGGLES.

AND WE'RE MAKING SO MANY

VENTILATORS.

I DON'T WANT TO GET EVERYBODY

EXCITED, BUT IF I GET ELECTED I

PROMISE EVERYONE IN AMERICA WILL

BE ON A BIG BEAUTIFUL

VENTILATOR.

>> GREAT.

THAT SEGUES TO HEALTHCARE IN A

SCARY WAY.

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHAT IS

YOUR PLAN IF OBAMACARE IS STRUCK

DOWN?

>> I HAVE A PLAN.

IT'S CALLED BIDEN CARE.

IT'S LIKE OBAMACARE BUT BIDEN.

IT MAY NOT TALK AS SMOOTH, IT

MAY NEED A LITTLE BIT MORE

SUNSCREEN THAN THE PREVIOUS

MELANIN RICH PLAN, BUT DAMN IT,

IT'S GOT HEART AND IT WORKS!

>> MY PLAN IS PERFECT.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL

PLAN.

>> SHOW US THE PLAN.

>> THIS PLAN IS AN L.A. 10.

LARGE NATURALS, HIGH BOOTY, BAD

ATTITUDE, BUT SHE CUTE.

>> NOT A PLAN.

NOT A PLAN.

THAT'S A PLANLESS MAN.

>> EXCUSE ME, I'D LOVE TO SHOW

YOU THE PLAN, BUT I CAN'T,

BECAUSE IT'S UNDER AUDIT LIKE MY

TAXES.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME YOU CAN

TALK TO MY LAWYER, RUDY

GIULIANI.

>> WHAT, HUH?

NO, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS

LIKE.

MY MICROPHONE WAS STUCK.

ON MY BALLS.

IS THIS ANOTHER BORAT?

YOU GOT TELL ME IF IT'S A BORAT.

>> YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, BIDEN,

BECAUSE RUDY'S GOT A LOT OF SANE

AND COHERENT INFORMATION THAT

LOOKS REALLY BAD FOR YOU JOE.

>> TELL HIM, RUDY.

>> GET READY FOR THIS TRUTH

BOMB.

YOUR SON HUNTER GOT $3 MILLION

FROM MOSCOW, AND HIS FRIEND

TONY -- HAS EMAILS

ON THE WET LAPTOP FROM HELL AND

OUR EYEWITNESS SAW EVERYTHING,

AND ALSO, HE'S BLIND, SO --

>> SEE?

EVEN HIS NASTY SON IS CORRUPT.

>> DON'T DO IT, JOE.

DON'T RETALIATE, EVEN THOUGH HIS

KIDS ARE A BUNCH OF

CHARITY-SCAMMERS.

>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU

LIKE TO RESPOND?

>> NO.

>> VERY WELL.

I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO RACE.

>> THANK YOU, MINDY, I LOVE YOUR

PROJECT.

>> I'M THE LEAST RACIST PERSON

IN THIS ROOM.

I'VE DONE MORE FOR ANYBODY

EXCEPT LINCOLN.

BLACK PEOPLE LOVE HIS CARS.

I SEE THEM DRIVING THEM ALL THE

TIME.

SOMETIMES THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE

IN THE BACK, BUT NOT ALWAYS.

THANK YOU.

>> YOU THINK YOU'RE LINCOLN?

BECAUSE HIS NICKNAME HAS THE

WORD HONEST IN IT.

>> AND MUTE.

THAT IS ABOUT AS WELL AS THE

RACE SECTION COULD HAVE GONE.

I SAVED 60 SECONDS FOR THE

CLIMATE.

MR. VICE PRESIDENT?

>> SINCE WE'RE HERE AND ALMOST

OUT OF TIME, OIL NO, WIND YES,

FRACKING, DEPENDS WHAT STATE I'M

IN.

>> THIS GUY AND HIS WIND.

HE LOVES WIND.

LOOK, I KNOW MORE ABOUT WIND

THAN ANYONE.

WIND KILLS ALL THE BIRDS.

CHOPS THEM RIGHT UP.

LIKE A MAGIC BULLET.

IT TURNS THEM INTO BIRD

SOMETIMES IT GETS REAL FAST INTO

A TWISTER AND THROWS A COW RIGHT

ON TOP OF HELEN HUNT.

>> WOW, OKAY.

THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT FOR

SHARING YOUR POEM ABOUT WIND.

AT THIS POINT WE'VE COME TO OUR

FINAL QUESTION, AND IT'S FOR

BOTH OF YOU.

I WANT TO YOU IMAGINE YOUR

INAUGURATION DAY.

WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO AMERICANS

WHO DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU?

>> WELL, IF THEY DIDN'T VOTE FOR

ME I GUESS I'D SAY HOLA.

FOR THE REST I WOULD SAY, JUST

REMEMBER HOW GOOD THINGS USED TO

BE BACK BEFORE THE CHINA PLAGUE.

WE HAD THE LOWEST UNEMPLOYMENT

NUMBERS IN ALL CATEGORIES.

BLACKS, ASIANS, LATINXS,

BRUNETTES, MILFS, LGBTQ ANON.

IN CONCLUSION, NEW YORK IS A

GHOST TOWN.

KIDS LOVE CAGES AND JOE BIDEN IS

FROM KENYA, THANK YOU.

>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOUR

TURN.

>> LOOK, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW WHO HE IS AND YOU KNOW

WHO I AM.

I'M GOOD OLD JOE.

I'M RELIABLE AS A ROCK.

I'VE GOT A FIVE-STAR SAFETY

RATING AND I'M RANKED BEST

MIDSIZE IN MY CLASS BY J.D.

POWER AND ASSOCIATES.

I DON'T HAVE A GOLDEN TOILET

SEAT.

I HAVE A SOFT, SPONGY ONE

THAT HISSES WHENEVER I PARK MY

KEISTER.

I TAKE TRAINS AND I DON'T SEE

ANY TRAINS IN SIGHT.

THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS

MALARKY.

>> WITH THAT MALARKY, THAT'S

BINGO AND I AM DRUNK.

GOOD LUCK, AMERICA.

AND WITH THAT, LIVE FROM NEW

YORK.

>> IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

♪♪♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE"!

WITH--

MUSICAL GUEST --

H.E.R.

AND YOUR HOST --

ADELE.

♪♪♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

ADELE.

♪♪♪

>>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

IT'S ME, AND MY GOD, I'M

ABSOLUTELY THRILLED TO FINALLY

BE HOSTING THIS SHOW.

A SHOW THAT NOT ONLY DO I

GENUINELY LOVE, BUT THE SHOW

THAT BROKE MY CAREER HERE IN

AMERICA 12 VERY LONG YEARS AGO.

SEE, I WAS A MUSICAL GUEST BACK

IN 2008 WHEN SARAH PALIN CAME ON

WITH MS. TINA FEY.

SO OBVIOUSLY A FEW MILLION

PEOPLE TUNED IN TO WATCH IT AND

THE REST IS HISTORY.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

AMERICAN POLITICS.

I'M BRITISH, YOU KNOW?

AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING

TOO POLITICAL, SO I'LL JUST SAY

THIS SARAH PAIL LISTEN, THANKS.

I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF CHAT

ABOUT ME BEING THE HOST.

WHY IS SHE NOT THE MUSICAL

GUEST.

I'M TOO SCARED TO DO BOTH.

I'D RATHER PUT ON WIGS --S THIS

ALL MINE, BY THE WAY, HAVE A

GLASS OF WINE OR SIX AND SEE

WHAT HAPPENS.

I KNOW I LOOK DIFFERENT THAN

WHEN YOU LAST SAW ME, BUT

BECAUSE OF THE COVID

RESTRICTIONS I HAD TO TRAVEL

LIGHT AND BRING ONLY HALF WITH

ME, SO THIS IS THE HALF I CHOSE.

I'M NERVOUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LIKE.

I ALWAYS GET VERY NERVOUS ON

LIVE TV BUT TONIGHT ESPECIALLY

SO BECAUSE I SWEAR A LOT.

LIKE A LOT A LOT.

LAST TIME I WAS PLAYING GLASS

TON BURY AND THIS IS WHAT

HAPPENED.

>> THIS IS THE BEST [ BLEEP ]

MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

IF ANY OF YOU

[ BLEEP ]-[ BLEEP ]

[ BLEEP ].

>> HONESTLY I DON'T NOTICE I'M

DOING IT ANYMORE.

BUT TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A SWEAR

JAR.

LET'S CHECK IN ON THAT.

KEENAN, WHERE WE AT?

>> UH, GETTING PRETTY FULL,

ADELE.

THIS IS JUST FROM WHEN YOU SAID

HI TO ME BACKSTAGE.

>> OH, WOW.

SORRY.

LET'S MAKE SURE THAT ALL GOES TO

CHARITY.

>> OH, DAMN.

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT ADELE?

>> BEFORE WE REALLY START TO

SHOW, I WANT TO SAY A GENUINE

AND SINCERE THANK YOU TO THE

FRONT LINE WORKERS WHO ARE DOWN

HERE IN THE AUDIENCE.

THEY SAY THAT ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN

TO NEW YORK YOU KEEP PIECE OF IT

IN OUR HEART FOREVER.

SO I GIVE IT UP TO YOU AND YOU

GIVE IT UP TO YOURSELVES AS

WELL.

RIGHT, WHETHER YOU'RE HERE IN

THE STUDIO OR WATCHING AT HOME,

WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOR

AN HOUR AND A HALF, SO

I REALLY HOPE YOU GET AS MUCH

JOY OUT OF THIS AS WE GOT

PUTTING IT TOGETHER FOR YOU.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW.

H.E.R. IS HERE

SO STICK AROUND WE'LL BE

RIGHT BACK

>>> OH, MY GOD, THIS PLACE IS SO

COOL.

>> I KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO

GET A PSYCHIC READING.

>> OH, MY GOD, IS ANYONE HERE?

I REALLY WANT TO GET ONE.

>> YOU WANT TO SEE THE FUTURE?

SIT, AND I WILL TELL YOU WHAT

LIES AHEAD.

FOR MADAME VIVELDA KNOWS ALL.

>> OH, YES.

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

>> YEAH, THIS YEAR HAS BEEN SO

INSANE AND HARD.

WE KIND OF WANT TO SKIP AHEAD

AND JUST SEE WHAT NEXT YEAR

HOLDS INSTEAD.

>> YEAH, 2019 HAS SUCKED!

BUT I THINK 2020 IS GOING TO BE

OUR YEAR.

>> TOTALLY.

>> OH, YES.

OKAY, WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?

>> I'LL GO.

MADAME VIVELDA, THINGS ARE

GETTING KIND OF SERIOUS WITH MY

BOYFRIEND, AND I'M CURIOUS IF

YOU SEE US MOVING IN TOGETHER

NEXT YEAR.

>> HMM, OKAY.

LET ME SEE.

LET ME LOOK.

OKAY.

YES, YES.

YES I SEE YOU.

YOU ARE IN YOUR HOME.

AND YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THERE.

YES, YOU ARE IN THE HOME YOU

SHARE TOGETHER.

YES, I SEE HIM, HE'S WASHING A

BAG OF DORITOS WITH SOAP.

AND YOU ARE SCREAMING AT HIM.

YOU ARE CRYING.

YOU ARE SCREAMING, THAT'S NOT

ENOUGH SOAP.

YOU NEED TO USE MORE SOAP.

I DON'T WANT TO GET IT FROM A

BAG OF CHIPS.

>> WHAT?

GET WHAT FROM CHIPS?

>> THE VISION IS GONE.

WHO WANTS TO GO NEXT?

KNOW WHY I'M WASHING CHIPS NEXT

YEAR.

>> MADAME VIVELDA, I'LL GO.

I'M UP FOR A BIG PROMOTION IN

MARCH AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU

SEE ANYTHING WORK RELATED FOR ME

NEXT YEAR.

>> OKAY.

NO, I DON'T SEE WORK.

I SEE YOU ON THE PHONE WITH A

MAN FROM FEDEX.

AND YOU ARE CRYING.

YOU ARE SAYING, WHERE IS MY

ADULT COLORING BOOK?

I NEED MY ADULT COLORING BOOK.

>> WAIT, ANNIE, DO YOU COLOR?

>> NO, OF COURSE I DON'T COLOR.

>> IT'S OKAY IF YOU DO.

>> I DON'T COLOR!

HER PSYCHIC VISION MUST BE OFF.

THIS ISN'T LIKE ME.

I WANT TO GO TO MUSEUMS AND

CONCERTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

>> I DON'T SEE ANY CONCERTS IN

2020.

ONLY COLORING.

MONDAY, COLORING.

TUESDAY, COLORING.

ALL THE DAYS, COLORING.

HA HA HA!

OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?

>> UM, I GUESS ME, BUT I DON'T

KNOW IF I WANT TO GO ANYMORE.

>> NO, NO, YOU GIVE ME YOUR

PALM.

I SENSE A LOT OF FUN TRAVEL IN

YOUR FUTURE.

>> YOU DO?

OKAY, GOOD.

ACTUALLY, ME AND MY BOYFRIEND

ARE PLANNING TO FLY TO PARIS IN

MAY.

>> OH, THAT'S FUN.

BUT NO, I DON'T SEE

YOU FLYING TO PARIS.

I SEE YOU DRIVING TO KENTUCKY,

YES.

AND YOU ARE PEEING IN A BAG IN

THE CAR BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID

TO USE THE GAS STATION BATHROOM.

YOU PEE IN THE BAG AND THEN HE

PEES IN THE BAG, AND ON AND ON

UNTIL KENTUCKY!

>> WAIT, WHY DOES HE GO TO

KENTUCKY?

>> YEAH, WHAT DO WE DO IN

KENTUCKY?

>> OKAY, LET'S SEE.

YES, YES.

OKAY, ON THE FIRST DAY, YOU

NOTICE A SMALL RASH ON YOUR

FINGER, AND YOU SPEND THE DAY

CRYING AND GOOGLING, IS RASH AND

FINGER PART OF IT?

>> PART OF WHAT?

>> OH, MY GOSH.

ALL OF YOUR VISIONS MENTION US

CRYING.

DO WE ALL JUST CRY FOR 2020?

>> NO, NOT ALWAYS.

I CAN SEE YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

AND YOU ARE VERY HAPPY.

YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU ASK FOR.

>> I DO?

WHAT DO I ASK FOR?

>> STAMPS.

YOU ASK EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE TO

BUY STAMPS, AND THEY DO.

THEY ALL BUY THE STAMPS.

AND YOU SAY, TAKE THAT,

POSTMASTER GENERAL LOUIS DEJOY!

>> WHAT?

WHY DO I KNOW THE FULL NAME OF

THE POSTMASTER GENERAL IN 2020?

>> GIRLS, LISTEN, I KNOW A LOT

OF THIS SOUNDS SCARY, BUT AT

LEAST WE ALL HAVE EACH OTHER

IN 2020, RIGHT?

>> OH, NO, MY POOR SPENCER, NO.

NO YOU WON'T.

BECAUSE IN JUNE YOU WILL DO

SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE, YOUR

FRIENDS WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU

AGAIN.

>> OH, MY GOD, WHAT DO I DO?

>> YOU EAT INSIDE A RESTAURANT.

>> THAT'S IT?

>> HE JUST EATS IN A RESTAURANT,

AND WE CUT HIM OUT OF OUR LIVES

COMPLETELY?

>> EXACTLY.

>> OKAY, WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY

IT'S BAD, BUT I'M SO SORRY I DO

THAT, GIRLS.

>> NO, WE'RE SORRY.

>> NO, NO!

WHAT IS THIS?

I'M SEEING ONE FINAL VISION, AND

IT IS VERY DARK.

WHO HERE IS TIFFANY TUBEN?

>> I AM.

>> YES.

I AM SEEING YOUR FATHER,

TIFFANY.

AND HE IS ON A ZOOM, AND HIS

WEINER'S OUT ON THE ZOOM.

>> WHAT?

WHAT EVEN IS A ZOOM?

>> I DO NOT KNOW, BUT YOUR

FATHER IS DEFINITELY ON IT, AND

HIS WEINER IS DEFINITELY OUT.

AND IT'S NOT A GREAT WEINER,

TIFFANY.

NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S GETTING

HARDER.

IT'S ACTUALLY FINE.

>> OKAY, THIS IS TOO MUCH.

>> OKAY, BUT GIRLS, DO ME A

FAVOR.

IF ANY OF YOU SEE JK ROWELLING,

PLEASE TELL HER, STICK TO THE

BOOKS!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

>> HELLO?

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> CHAD.

>> WELCOME, CHAD.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY A WHILE?

>> OKAY.

>> GO TO THE LIGHT SO I MAY SEE

YOU BETTER.

>> OKAY.

>> HELLO, CHAD.

>> WHAT UP?

>> FORGIVE MY APPEARANCE.

YEARS AGO, I HAD A LITTLE

ACCIDENT.

>> OH, NO, YOUR NECK.

>> YES, I'M AFRAID IT'S QUITE

THE GASH.

>> GASH.

>> YOU'RE NOT AFRAID?

>> NO.

>> FOLLOW ME.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW

YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> THEY ALL SAID THAT MY DEATH

WAS SUICIDE, THAT I SLIT MY OWN

THROAT.

>> OH, NO.

>> BUT IT WASN'T SUICIDE, CHAD.

IT WAS MURDER!

CHAD?

>> TAKING A PISS.

SAFETY.

>> AS I WAS SAYING, I WAS

MURDERED BY MY HUSBAND, AND THE

PROOF IS IN THERE.

>> OKAY.

>> AH, THE LIBRARY.

OH, HOW I LOVE TO READ.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE BOOK,

CHAD?

>> "WHERE'S WALDO," THE YELLOW

ONE.

>> I'M NOT FAMILIAR.

WHO'S THE AUTHOR?

>> WALDO.

>> THERE ON THE DESK YOU'LL FIND

A LETTER FROM MY HUSBAND.

READ IT.

THAT LETTER IS MORE DEAR TO ME

THAN YOU KNOW.

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT CLEARLY

PROVES THAT MY HUSBAND MURDERED

ME FOR MY INHERITANCE.

AND WHEN THE PUBLIC READS IT,

THE TRUTH WILL BE KNOWN AND I

CAN FINALLY CROSS OVER TO THE

AFTERLIFE.

>> OKAY.

>>I SEE YOU'RE LOOKING AT MY

PORTRAIT.

TELL ME, CHAD, WHAT DO YOU SEE?

>> TIG OLD BITTIES.

>> I HAVE BEEN -- I SEE A WOMAN

TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE.

EVEN NOW I YEARN FOR THE TENDER

KISS OF TRUE LOVE.

OH, MY GOD.

CHAD, ARE YOU OKAY?

>> YEAH.

>> GOOD.

NOW GO AND MAKE MY TRUTH BE

KNOWN.

BUT BE WARNED, IF YOU FAIL ME,

I WILL BE MOST DISPLEASED.

>> OKAY.

>> AND, CHAD?

THANK YOU.

>> NO DOUBT.

>> OH, FOR [ BLEEP ] SAKE!

>> OKAY.

>>> TONIGHT ON ABC, IT'S A

SPECIAL BONUS SEASON OF

"THE BACHELOR," AND THIS TIME

HE'S 5'11" --

AND A HALF.

>> HEY THERE.

I'M BEN K.

WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I

THREW A SHOPPING CART AT A GAY

KID'S HEAD, BUT NOW I'M HERE,

READY TO FIND LOVE.

AND THERE ARE SO MANY INCREDIBLE

GIRLS TO CHOOSE FROM.

>> HI, I'M HANNAH C.

I'M TWENTY AND I HAVE THE OLDEST

FACE FOR A YOUNG PERSON YOU'LL

EVER SEE.

>> HEY, I'M HANNAH ALEXIS C.

I'M 21, AND NEXT YEAR I'LL BE

22.

>> HI, I'M ADELE ADKINS.

I'M 32.

YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM BEING THE

SINGER, ADELE.

I'M HERE BECAUSE I'VE HAD A LOT

OF HEARTBREAK IN MY LIFE, FIRST

AT 19, AND THEN SORT OF FAMOUSLY

AT 21, AND THEN EVEN MORE

FAMOUSLY AT 25, BUT I HAVE A

REALLY GOOD FEELING ABOUT BEN K.

IT'S ONLY NIGHT ONE.

I CAN ALREADY TELL HE'S GOING TO

BE THE NEXT LOVE OF MY LIFE.

>> HEY, GIRLS.

I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS HAS

BEEN SUCH A GREAT NIGHT.

I REALLY ENJOYED LAUGHING WITH

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU,

EVEN THOUGH NONE OF US EVER SAID

A JOKE ONCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YES!

>> AND THIS WAS A HARD DECISION,

BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE THE FIRST

IMPRESSION ROSE TO HANNAH C.

>> WAIT, WHAT?

YOU'RE GIVING TO IT HANNAH C.?

♪♪♪

♪ I HEARD THAT YOU'RE

SETTLED DOWN

THAT YOU ♪

>> ADELE?

♪ FOUND A GIRL

AND YOU'RE

MARRIED NOW ♪

>> ADELE?

♪ I HEARD THAT

YOUR DREAMS

CAME TRUE ♪

>> ADELE!

ADELE!

HEY, SORRY.

I AM NOT MARRIED TO HANNAH C.

IT WAS JUST THE ONE ROSE.

YOU'RE STILL IN THIS.

>> I AM?

>> YES, GIRL.

THERE'S LIKE 40 EPISODES LEFT.

SO I'D PACE YOURSELF

EMOTIONALLY.

WE'VE BEEN HERE 10 MINUTES AND

YOU'VE ALREADY SUNG THAT A FEW

TIMES.

>> OH, RIGHT.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

SORRY.

>> YEAH, I'D SAY OUT OF ALL THE

GIRLS IN THE HOUSE SO FAR, I

PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST IN COMMON

WITH HANNAH C. AND THE LEAST IN

COMMON WITH POP SUPERSTAR ADELE,

BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE

THAT'S MOVING THE FASTEST,

MAINLY BECAUSE ADELE IS MAKING

IT DO THAT.

ADELE, YOU LOOK SO NICE TONIGHT.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK PRETTY AMAZING TOO.

IN FACT, I GUESS I'D SORT OF

SAY --

♪♪♪

>> OH, WE'RE SINGING AGAIN,

OKAY.

♪ YOU LOOK LIKE A MOVIE ♪

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

♪ YOU SOUND LIKE A SONG ♪

>> OKAY, THANK YOU.

♪ MY GOD THIS REMINDS ME

OF WHEN WE WERE YOUNG ♪

>> WE MET TODAY.

♪ LET ME PHOTOGRAPH YOU IN THIS

LIGHT ♪

>> ADELE!

ADELE!

ADELE.

CAN WE JUST TALK?

THIS IS REALLY MORE OF A TALKING

SHOW.

>> I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THAT.

>> YOU KNOW, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE

BEING ON "THE BACHELOR," BUT IT

HAS BEEN HARD TO GET ALONE TIME

WITH BEN WITH SO MANY OTHER

GIRLS IN THE HOUSE, INCLUDING

ADELE, ESPECIALLY ADELE.

THE PROBLEM IS ADELE.

>> IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY HAVE

SOME ALONE TIME WITH YOU.

>> I KNOW.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME A

LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.

♪♪♪

>> OH, MY GOD.

♪ HELLO

IT'S ME ♪

♪ I WAS WONDERING IF AFTER ALL

THESE YEARS ♪

♪ YOU'D LIKE TO MEET ♪

>> OKAY, ADELE, NO, OKAY?

IT HAS NOT BEEN YEARS SINCE

YOU'VE SEEN BEN.

YOU'VE BEEN SINGING TO HIM ALL

NIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT, OH MY GOD.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN A RIGHT PRICK YET

AGAIN.

I WILL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

>>THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.

>> YES, SO MUCH BETTER.

>> THOUGH I DO FEEL KIND OF

WEIRD THAT I YELLED AT THE

ACTUAL ADELE TO GO AWAY.

>> I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

>> WHY?

>> BECAUSE SHE'S BACK.

I CAN SEE HER BEHIND THE BUSHES.

♪ HELLO FROM INSIDE THIS BUSH ♪

>> OKAY, I'M GOING BACK TO THE

MANSION.

>> SO, I THINK NIGHT ONE'S BEEN

AN ABSOLUTE SMASH, BUT I'M

STARTING TO GET THE FEELING THAT

I MIGHT BE COMING ON A BIT

STRONG.

I THINK BEN K. SORT OF LIKES

THAT MORE LAID-BACK AMERICAN

VIBE, SO FOR THE REST OF THE

NIGHT I DECIDED THAT I'M GOING

TO PLAY IT REALLY, REALLY CHILL

AND COOL.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO

SOMEONE ELSE, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I EVEN

REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH.

IF IT WORKS OUT, IT WORKS OUT.

>> HI, CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A

SEC?

♪ THERE'S A FIRE

STARTING IN MY HEART

REACHING THAT FEVER PITCH ♪

♪ AND IT'S BRINGING ME OUT THE

DARK ♪

♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE YOU CRYSTAL

CLEAR ♪

♪ GO AHEAD AND SELL ME OUT AND

I'LL LAY YOUR SHIP BARE ♪

>> OKAY, I'M A HUGE FAN, BUT I

DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH HER HERE.

>> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I KNOW THERE'S STILL 20 MINUTES

LEFT IN THE SHOW, BUT I THINK WE

GOT TO CALL IT WITH YOU, ADELE.

IT'S BEEN A VERY INTENSE NIGHT,

AND I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE

MANSION.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'D CALL THIS

A MANSION, BUT I UNDERSTAND.

GOOD LUCK, LADIES.

AND THANK YOU, BEN.

I WILL NOW LEAVE AND I WILL GO

QUIETLY.

I PROMISE THERE WILL BE NO MORE

DRAMA FROM ME.

>> WHOA, THAT'S SO SAD.

>> I KNOW.

I KIND OF WANTED HER TO FINISH

"SOMEONE LIKE YOU."

>> WAIT.

I THINK I CAN SEE HER COMING

BACK.

♪♪♪

>> YEP, HERE SHE IS.

♪ I HATE TO TURN

OUT OF THE BLUE UNINVITED

BUT I COULDN'T

STAY AWAY ♪

♪ I COULDN'T FIGHT IT

♪ I HOPED YOU'D SEE MY FACE AND

BE REMINDED THAT FOR ME IT ISN'T

OVER ♪

>> Together: YAY, SHE'S DOING

IT.

♪ NEVER MIND

I'LL FIND SOMEONE

LIKE YOU ♪

♪ I WISH NOTHING

BUT THE BEST

FOR YOU TOO ♪

♪ DON'T FORGET ME

I BEG ♪

♪ I REMEMBER YOU SAY-SOMETIMES

IT LASTS IN LOVE ♪

♪ BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS

INSTEAD ♪

♪ SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE BUT

SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD ♪

THANK YOU, EVERYONE.

CATCH ME NEXT WEEK ON "LOVE

ISLAND."

>>> EVERYONE KNOWS THIS COULD BE

THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN

OUR NATION'S HISTORY.

>> AND THE TWO CHOICES COULDN'T

BE MORE DIFFERENT.

>> DO WE WANT FOUR MORE YEARS OF

DONALD TRUMP OR A FRESH START

WITH JOE BIDEN?

>> CAN WE SURVIVE FOUR MORE

YEARS OF SCANDAL, NAME CALLING

AND RACIAL DIVISION?

>> OR DO WE WANT A LEADER WHO

UNITES THE COUNTRY?

>> I WANT TO VOTE FOR BIDEN

BECAUSE HE'S BETTER, SMARTER.

BETTER AND BETTER.

BUT I'M WORRIED.

>> I'M WORRIED TOO.

>> BECAUSE IF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T

PRESIDENT --

>> WHEN WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO

TALK ABOUT?

>> LIKE, WHAT WOULD OUR

CONVERSATIONS EVEN BE?

>> BECAUSE THE ONLY THING I

TALKED ABOUT FOR FOUR YEARS IS

DONALD TRUMP.

>> EVERY SINGLE DAY I TELL

SOMEONE, CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT

TRUMP JUST SAID?

>> MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY IS

HATING DONALD TRUMP.

IF HE'S GONE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED

TO DO?

FOCUS ON MY KIDS AGAIN?

NO THANKS.

>> I ARGUE WITH MY DAD EVERY DAY

ABOUT TRUMP.

BEFORE THAT WE HASN'T SPOKEN FOR

YEARS.

>> I USED TO WATCH CIVIL RIGHTS

VIDEOS AND WONDER WHAT IT WOULD

BE LIKE TO LIVE IN THOSE TIMES.

THANKS TO TRUMP, I GET IT.

>> WHAT IS THE NEWS EVEN GOING

TO BE ABOUT NOW?

>> I AM REALLY WORRIED FOR

RACHEL MADDOW.

WHAT IS SHE EVEN GOING TO TALK

ABOUT?

>> WHAT ABOUT HIS TWEETS?

WHAT AM I GOING TO SEND TO MY

FRIENDS AND BE LIKE, THIS IS THE

CRAZIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

>> SURE, HE'S HISTORICALLY BAD

FOR THE COUNTRY, BUT HE'S GAVE

US SO MUCH.

>> INJECTING BLEACH IN OUR

BLOOD.

>> OPENLY CALLING AFRICAN

NATIONS [ BLEEP ] HOLES.

>> HE CHANGED THE GAME.

>> HE CALLED THE ATTORNEY

GENERAL HE APPOINTED MENTALLY

RETARDED.

THAT'S SOME NEXT LEVEL

[ BLEEP ].

>> I MEAN, HE STARTED WITH AN

IMPRESSION OF A DISABLED

REPORTER.

THAT WAS THE STARTING POINT.

B.S. CASE SCENARIO,

BIDEN GET THERE IS YEAR THREE.

>> ON NOVEMBER 3rd, I'LL BE

WORRIED.

>> ABOUT THE ELECTION, SURE.

>> FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY

OR WHATEVER.

>> BUT I'LL BE WORRIED ABOUT MY

FAVORITE VILLAIN.

>> LIKE IF THEY REPLACE JOKER.

>> I REMEMBER, EVEN IF HE LOSES,

TRUMP ISN'T GOING AWAY.

>> IF ANYTHING HE'S GOING TO GET

MORE VOCAL.

>> AND ANGRIER.

>> AND CRAZIER.

>> AND WITH ALL HIS CRIME, THERE

MAY BE A TRIAL.

AND MAYBE TRUMP WILL REPRESENT

HIMSELF IN COURT.

I GOT TO STOP GETTING MYSELF

HOPES UP.

>> MAYBE DONALD AND IVANKA WILL

RUN TOGETHER IN 2024?

>> WHY WOULD YOU THROW THAT OUT

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

H.E.R.

♪♪♪

♪ IF YOU GOT IT

IT AIN'T NO QUESTION

NO, IT AIN'T NO ROOM

FOR GUESSIN' ♪

♪ NO MORE THAN EMOTIONALLY

INVESTED

SHOWIN' YOU ALL MY

IMPERFECTIONS, OH ♪

♪ IF I LET YOU, YOU'LL

TAKE ME FOR GRANTED

YEAH ♪

♪ IF I'M WORTH MORE THAN

YOU COULD MANAGE

YEAH ♪

♪ OPEN WITH ME, OH WE

COULD BE HONEST

CLOSER TO ME, OH ♪

♪ GIVING ME SOLACE

PROMISE THAT YOU

WON'T LET ME FALL ♪

♪ HOLDING ME TIGHT

LOVING ME RIGHT

GIVING ME LIFE

ALL NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU COULD BE

TELLING ME LIES

MAKING ME CRY ♪

♪ WASTING MY TIME

THE WHOLE TIME

SO JUST BE ♪

♪ CAREFUL WHAT YOU

TAKE FOR GRANTED, YEAH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WITH ME KNOW

YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪

♪ YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE

YOU COULD DO DAMAGE, YEAH ♪

♪ WORRIED ABOUT IT I'M

PUTTING PRESSURE YOU KNOW

YOU'LL ONLY CUT ME

IF I LET YOU ♪

♪ NO, HE AIN'T THE ONE

IT'S JUST FOR PLEASURE

EITHER LEARN ME OR I'M

A LESSON GONE ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT ME DON'T

TAKE ME FOR GRANTED

YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ IF I'M WORTH MORE THAN

YOU COULD MANAGE, BABY ♪

♪ OH YOU'RE FALLING FOR ME

OH BABY I'VE CAUGHT IT ♪

♪ OOH WE COULD BE WHATEVER

YOU WANNA CALL IT

PROMISE THAT YOU WON'T

LET ME FALL ♪

♪ OH, BOY ♪

♪ HOLDING ME TIGHT

LOVING ME RIGHT

GIVING ME LIFE

ALL NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU COULD BE

TELLING ME LIES

MAKING ME CRY

WASTING MY TIME ♪

♪ THE WHOLE TIME

♪ SO JUST BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU

TAKE FOR GRANTED, YEAH ♪

♪ CAUSE WITH ME KNOW

YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪

♪ YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE

YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪

♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪

♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE,

YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE,

YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪

>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.

>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."

I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>> I'M COLIN JOST.

wELL, THE FINAL PRESIDENTIAL

DEBATE TOOK PLACE ON THURSDAY

AND THE ACTUAL CNN HEADLINE

AFTER WAS "TRUMP BEHAVED MORE

LIKE A REGULAR PERSON."

THAT'S NOT A DESCRIPTION OF A

PRESIDENT, BUT THE DESCRIPTION

OF A ROBOT FROM "WESTWORLD."

THIS DEBATE WAS SO FRUSTRATING

TO WATCH.

DID ANYONE FIND THEMSELVES

YELLING LINES AT THE SCREEN THAT

THEY WISHED BIDEN HAD SAID?

WHEN TRUMP TALKED ABOUT HOW GOOD

HE'S BEEN FOR THE STOCK MARKET,

I WAS LIKE, JOE, THE STOCK

MARKET WHEN YOU WERE VICE

PRESIDENT WENT UP FOUR TIMES

HIGHER THAN TRUMP'S STOCK

MARKET.

YOU HAVE THE BALL.

YOU'RE STANDING ABOVE THE RIM.

WHY WOULD YOU NOT DUNK IT?

OR WHEN TRUMP SAID THAT BIDEN IS

ALL TALK AND NO ACTION, WHY

DIDN'T BIDEN SAY, BITCH, SHOW US

YOUR TAXES, SHOW US THE VACCINE,

SHOW US THE WALL, AND SHOW US

WHAT PRISON YOU LOCKED HILLARY

IN.

TRULY IT WAS LIKE BIDEN HAD AN

OPEN FIELD, RUNNING FOR A

TOUCHDOWN, AND THEN THIS

HAPPENED.

>> HE IS GONE.

TRYING TO STAY UPRIGHT AND HE

TRIPS!

>> TRUMP CLAIMED THAT HE WAS

THE LEAST RACIST PERSON IN THE

ROOM, WHICH IS ONLY SOMETHING

THE MOST RACIST PERSON IN A ROOM

WOULD SAY.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, I'M THE

LEAST RACIST.

NOBODY'S EXPECTING YOU TO BE THE

LEAST RACIST.

I'D SETTLE FOR JUST NOT SO

RACIST ANYMORE.

WHEN YOU LIE THAT BIG IT MAKES

YOU LOOK MORE GUILTY.

IT'S LIKE WHEN MY UNCLE TOLD ME

HE DOESN'T GET HIGH ANYMORE

WHILE HE WAS HOLDING MY TV.

I HATE THAT.

>> YOU ALSO KNOW POLITICS IN

--

RUDY GIULIANI IS DENYING HE DID

ANYTHING WRONG AFTER A

CONTROVERSIAL NEW SCENE IN THE

BORAT MOVIE IN WHICH HE'S ALONE

IN A HOTEL ROOM WITH A FEMALE

REPORTER, PUTS HIS HANDS DOWN

HIS PANTS, AND APPEARS TO START

TOUCHING HIMSELF.

UNFORTUNATELY WE CANNOT SHOW YOU

THE VIDEO.

NOT BECAUSE IT VIOLATES

STANDARDS BUT BECAUSE ANYONE WHO

WATCHES IT DIES IN SEVEN DAYS.

GIULIANI DEFENDED HIMSELF BY

EXPLAINING THAT HE HAD TO LAY

DOWN ON THE BED TO TUCK IN HIS

SHIRT, WHICH I THINK IS AN

ACTUAL PUNCH LINE TO A "YO MAMA

IS SO FAT" JOKE.

>> RATES OF CORONAVIRUS ARE

SPIKING IN ALMOST EVERY STATE

AS THE COUNTRY BRACES FOR A

POSSIBLE THIRD PEAK, BUT ARE WE

ACTUALLY BRACING, THOUGH?

BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME PEOPLE

WERE HAVING KNIFE FIGHTS OVER

LYSOL AND TOILET PAPER, AND NOW

PEOPLE ARE BACK TO EATING

BUFFALO WINGS OUTSIDE, LICKING

ON THEIR FINGERS.

IT'S GROSS.

AM I THE ONLY ONE STILL

TERRIFIED?

REMEMBER WHEN TOM HANKS GOT IT

LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO, SIX MONTHS

AGO?

AND WE ALL SAT TEARY EYED

THINKING WE MIGHT ACTUALLY LOSE

FORREST GUMP?

NOW A WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM

GETS SICK AND THEY JUST MOVE THE

GAME?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING

WITH THIS.

IT'S BEEN A REALLY WEIRD WEEK,

AND I REALLY, REALLY THOUGHT THE

PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO DIE.

>> FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

WAS ALSO BACK ON THE CAMPAIGN

TRAIL THIS WEEK.

IT WAS KIND OF JARRING TO SEE.

OBAMA'S PRESIDENCY SEEMED SO

LONG AGO.

IT'S EASY TO FORGET HE'S

15 YEARS YOUNGER THAN EITHER OF

THE CURRENT CANDIDATES.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS YOUNGER

THAN THE CURRENT CANDIDATES?

THE GUYS WE ELECTED IN THE

YEARS 2000 AND 1992.

IS IT JUST ME OR IS THAT INSANE?

THIS ELECTION IS THE EQUIVALENT

OF A BASEBALL TEAM GIVING A

FOUR-YEAR DEAL TO WILLIE MAYS

NOW.

>>> MANY AMERICANS ARE PREPARING

TO QUARANTINE AGAIN THIS WINTER.

HERE TO OFFER HER TIPS ON

QUARANTINING ALONE IS OUR VERY

OWN MELISSA VILLASENOR.

>> THANKS, COLIN.

HEY, NICE SUIT.

>> THANKS, MELISSA.

SO, WE'RE ALL BACK AT WORK NOW,

BUT BEFORE THAT YOU SPENT MOST

OF QUARANTINE BY YOURSELF,

RIGHT?

>> WOW, COLIN, WAY TO THROW IT

IN MY FACE.

I SAY NICE SUIT, AND YOU SAY,

YOU'RE ALWAYS ALONE.

>> I'M SORRY.

THAT WAS PRETTY HARSH.

SORRY, MELISSA.

>> IT'S OKAY.

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT, THOUGH.

IT WASN'T SUPER FUN ALL THE

TIME.

AT FIRST ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS

WATCH SILLY STUPID STUFF.

SO I FOUND THAT OLD SHOW

"THE LITTLE RASCALS."

I WOULD LAUGH SO HARD I COULDN'T

MAKE OUT A SINGLE WORD THEY WERE

SAYING.

IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS --

OH, NO.

HAMBURGER.

>> YEAH, ALL I UNDERSTOOD WAS

HAMBURGER.

>> I WAS LIKE, MAN, IT MUST HAVE

BEEN SO FUN TO BE A LITTLE

RASCAL.

THEN I LOOKED IT UP.

IT WAS NOT VERY FUN TO BE A

LITTLE RASCAL.

>> YEAH, THAT'S A BUMMER TO LOOK

INTO.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT ALWAYS CHEERS

ME UP THOUGH?

EXERCISING.

ONE DAY I WAS DOING A WALL SIT

FOR A WHOLE MINUTE.

THEN I SNEEZED LIKE THIS.

AHH!

ALL MY GAMERS OUT THERE KNOW

WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE.

THAT'S LINK FROM ZELDA.

I'M SITTING THERE, LEGS ON FIRE,

SNEEZING LIKE LINK.

AND THEN I PEED A LITTLE.

IT HAPPENS, YOU KNOW.

IT WAS REALLY FUNNY.

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.

>> REALLY BUMMED I MISSED IT.

>> I ALSO GOT PRETTY CREATIVE.

I SAW THAT TIKTOK OF THAT GUY

SKATEBOARDING TO FLEETWOOD MAC.

SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECREATE IT

MYSELF, YOU KNOW?

BUT INSTEAD OF CRANBERRY JUICE,

I WAS HOLDING MY CAT, ELLA.

SO I'M SKATEBOARDING, HOLDING

ELLA, SINGING TO HER --

♪ NOW HERE YOU PURR AGAIN

YOU SAY YOU WANT YOUR DINNER ♪

♪ WAIT I DON'T KNOW

HOW TO SKATEBOARD ♪

♪ I'M FALLING DOWN INTO A

CREEK ♪

♪ OH NO, I PEED AGAIN ♪

>> YOU PEED AGAIN?

>> YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU WEREN'T

THERE FOR THAT ONE.

BUT COLIN, I COULDN'T HAVE

GOTTEN THROUGH QUARANTINE

WITHOUT RELAXING MUSIC.

MY FAVORITE IS SIA BECAUSE SHE

ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S BUNDLED

UP IN BED.

♪ PARTY GIRLS

DON'T GET HURT

CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING

WHEN WILL I LEARN ♪

♪ I PUSH IT DOWN

I PUSH IT DOWN ♪

>> COME ON, SIA, START THE DAY.

>> MELISSA VILLASENOR, EVERYONE.

>> I WANT TO TICKLE MY FRIENDS

AGAIN.

>> "NEW YORKER" REPORTER JEFFREY

TOOBIN HAS BEEN SUSPENDED AFTER

TOOBIN HAS BEEN SUSPENDED AFTER

GETTING CAUGHT MASTURBATING ON A

ZOOM CALL.

AND HE'S FROM THE "NEW YORKER"

SO YOU KNOW THAT JERK WAS DRY AS

HELL.

WHATEVER, MAN.

I STAND BY IT.

>> YEAH.

SENATOR MAJORITY LEADER MITCH

McCONNELL, SEEN HERE AFTER

PHYSICALLY FIGHTING WITH

DEATH -- DID NOT ANSWER

QUESTIONS ABOUT BRUISES AND

BANDAGES SEEN ON HIS FACE AND

HANDS, SAYING THERE WERE NO

CONCERNS.

BY THE WAY, NO CONCERNS IS ALSO

WHAT McCONNELL WHISPERS WHEN HE

SEES A BABY STROLLER ROLLING

DOWNHILL INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

>> POPEYE'S CHICKEN ANNOUNCED

THAT THEY'RE BRINGING BACK CAJUN

STYLE TURKEYS FOR THANKSGIVING.

IT'S A RARE PIECE OF GOOD NEWS

FOR PEOPLE WHO SPEND

THANKSGIVING AT POPEYE'S.

>>> NASA HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO

PUT A FULL 4G CELL PHONE NETWORK

ON THE MOON.

WHILE AT&T HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS

TO PUT ALMOST TWO BARS ON YOUR

EARTH PHONE.

>>> MATTEL ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR

AN ELTON JOHN THEMED BARBIE

DOLL.

FINALLY, SAID KEN.

>> THE EX-WIFE OF SINGER PHIL

COLLINS HAS ALLEGEDLY OCCUPIED

THEIR MIAMI MANSION AND HIRED

ARMED GUARDS TO PROTECT IT.

IN THE MEANTIME COLLINS IS

STAYING AT A NEARBY

STU-STU-STUDIO APARTMENT.

>> RESIDENTS IN ROME ARE UPSET

AFTER A WILD BOAR AND HER SIX

PIGLETS WERE KILLED ON A

PLAYGROUND NEAR THE VATICAN.

BUT IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, NOTHING

GOOD EVER HAPPENS ON A

PLAYGROUND NEAR THE VATICAN.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> GERMAN RESEARCHERS RECORDED

THE SHORTEST.

>> RAPPER NELLY WILL BE APPEARS

ON A NEW LINE OF BUDWEISER CANS,

RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE WORD

MISSING.

MISSING.

>> IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE

TRUMP RALLIES YOU PROBABLY

NOTICED TRUMP DANCING TO THE

VILLAGE PEOPLE.

IF YOU HAVEN'T, LET'S TAKE A

LOOK.

♪ YOUNG MAN

THERE'S NO NEED TO

FEEL DOWN ♪

>> IT'S GREAT.

HERE WITH A MESSAGE RESPONDING

TO DONALD TRUMP ARE THE VILLAGE

PEOPLE.

♪ STOP IT ♪

♪ YEAH I'M TALKING TO YOU ♪

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT.

>> WHAT?

I MEAN, WHY?

IT'S JUST MUSIC, MAN.

WE'RE JUST SINGING.

>> NO, BECAUSE THAT'S A REALLY

SERIOUS ALLEGATION.

ALAN DERSHOWITZ FOR TRUMP?

>> HE FLIPPED.

DO YOU GUYS ALL FEEL THE SAME

WAY ABOUT TRUMP?

YOU'RE ALL FROM DIFFERENT WALKS

OF LIFE, RIGHT?

>> IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED.

YOU SEE --

♪ THE SOLDIER SAID THAT

WAIT, YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE GOING

SHAVE IVANKA'S HEAD?

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT.

THAT'S GOT TO BE, LIKE A FELONY.

>> HEY, MAN, EVERYTHING IS LEGAL

IF YOU SING IT IN A SONG.

>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.

VILLAGE PEOPLE, EVERYONE.

>> I LIKE IT.

>> GOODNIGHT!!!!

>>> I'M SO GLAD WE COULD ALL GET

TOGETHER TO VISIT GRANDMA.

>> SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK?

CAN WE GO INSIDE THE NURSING

HOME?

>> NO, THERE'S QUARANTINED,

BUT WE CAN STAND IN THE

COURTYARD AND SHOUT UP TO HER

BALCONY.

>> YEAH, LIKE ROMEO AND JULY

YET, EXCEPT OLD.

>> HERE SHE COMES.

>> BLANCH, PEOPLE ARE HERE TO

SEE YOU.

>> RIGHT.

>> GRANDMA, DOWN HERE.

>> HI, GRANDMA!

>> WHAT?

>> LOOK DOWN, GRANDMA.

>> OH!

GRANDCHILDREN!

>> HI, GRANDMA.

YOO-HOO!

>> OH, BABY.

ARE YOU COLD?

>> NO, I'M WEARING THAT SCARF

YOU KNIT ME.

>> YOU DID WHAT?

>> I'M WEARING THE SCARF YOU

MADE ME, SEE?

>> YOU SAID MY SCARF?

>> NO, YOU MADE ME A SCARF FOR

MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M WEARING IT.

>> THAT'S AMAZING.

WHO IS THAT MAN?

>> THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND, KEVIN.

YOU REMEMBER KEVIN.

>> ARIZONA.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, I'M FROM

ARIZONA.

>> OKAY.

SO WHAT'S DOING WITH WORK?

>> OH, CRAZY BUSY.

PEOPLE ALWAYS NEED DOGS.

THAT'S WHAT WE SELL.

>> NOT YOU, THE BOYFRIEND.

>> ME?

OH.

UM, DIDN'T EXPECT THAT.

ACTUALLY I'M IN A BIT OF AN

INTERESTING STATE RIGHT NOW.

MY CONTRACT ENDED APRIL AND NOW

I'M HELPING MY BUDDY WITH HIS

STARTUP WHICH JUST GOT AN ANGEL

INVESTOR.

SUPER EXCITING.

JUST TAKING A WHILE TO COME

THROUGH.

>> WHAT?

>> OH, I WAS SAYING MY LAST JOB

ENDED AND RIGHT NOW I'M SORT OF

IN A HOLDING PATTERN HELPING A

FRIEND GET HIS BUSINESS OFF THE

GROUND, BUT IT'S A WAITING GAME.

>> WHAT?

>> HE SAID HE'S IN A HOLDING

PATTERN.

JUST SLOWER BECAUSE OF COVID.

>> YEAH, MOSTLY JUST PUTTING OUT

FEELERS FOR DIFFERENT GIGS.

>> YOU'RE WHAT?

>> I'M UNEMPLOYED.

I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

>> OH, OKAY.

>> I WANT ONE, AND I DON'T HAVE

ONE.

I'M TRYING TO GET ONE, BUT NO

ONE WILL LET ME HAVE ONE.

I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

>> BUT I DO HAVE A JOB, AND HE

DOES NOT, AND THAT BOTHERS BOTH

OF US.

SO MUCH.

>> YEAH, BECAUSE SHE MAKES,

I HAVE TO TAKE SOME OF IT,

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> BLANCH, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW

THEM THE BRACELET YOU MADE

TODAY.

>> OH, THAT'S LOVELY.

>> GRANDMA, YOU'LL LIKE THIS.

I BOUGHT A RECORD PLAYER.

>> OKAY, SHOT DOWN.

>> ONE OF YOU HAS A MUSCULAR

HUSBAND, DEVIN.

WHERE'S HANDSOME DEVIN?

>> THAT'S ME.

GRANDMA, DEVIN AND I WENT

THROUGH A LOT WITH QUARANTINE,

AND WE REALIZE THAT -- WELL,

THERE'S A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT

WHO SAYS THAT FRENCH PEOPLE

DON'T ASK THEIR PARTNER TO BE

THEIR LOVER AND THEIR BEST

FRIEND, YOU KNOW?

>> WHAT?

>> I WAS SAYING THE PRESSURE OF

BEING AROUND EACH OTHER WITHOUT

ANY DISTRACTIONS, WE REALIZED

WE AREN'T GOOD AT BEING MARRIED

TO EACH OTHER.

>> WHAT?

>> HE SAID HE WANTED TO BE OPEN.

>> OPEN WHAT?

>> HE DUMPED MY ASS, GRANDMA!

WE HAD A THREE-WAY AND HE LIKED

HER BETTER.

>> OKAY.

>> YEAH.

HE OPENED THE RELATIONSHIP TO

HER AND CLOSED IT TO ME.

THEY NOW LIVE TOGETHER IN MY

HOUSE.

>> OKAY.

>> YEAH.

I STILL LIVE IN THE HOUSE

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I'M AT

RIGHT NOW.

>> OKAY.

>> DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE

MEANS, BLANCH, THAT SHE HAD A

MAN AND NOW HE'S GONE NOW?

>> YEAH.

AND THE OTHER MAN?

>> ME?

I'M STILL UNEMPLOYED.

>> YEAH, WHEN I WAKE UP I GO TO

WORK, AND WHEN HE WAKES UP, HE

STAYS IN THE BED.

>> I AM LIKE A PET.

I DO NOT HAVE MONEY.

>> I'M DATING A MAN WITH NO JOB.

>> OKAY.

>> MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR DINNER.

>> WAIT, GRANDMA, YOU SAID

YOU REVISED YOUR WILL AND WANTED

TO READ IT TO US, RIGHT?

>> RIGHT.

OKEYDOKEY.

HERE WE GO.

MY DEAREST GRANDCHILDREN,

AS YOU KNOW I HAVE LIVED A LONG

INTERESTING LIFE, FULL OF

TRAVEL, CELEBRATIONS,

CASINOS AND SHOPPING SPREES.

>> WHAT?

>> WHILE SOME SAY YOU NEED TO

PUT AWAY FOR A RAINY DAY --

>> WHAT?

>> I ALWAYS BELIEVED LIFE IS A

LEMON THAT NEEDS TO BE SQUEEZED.

>> THERE'S NO INHERITANCE, IS

THERE?

>> NOPE, SPENT IT.

BROKE.

>> THANKS, GRANDMA.

>>> THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE

FROM THE TOURISM BOARD OF

AFRICA.

>> SUN, RAYS, OCEAN, MOUNTAINS,

AND BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL AFRICA.

>> WITNESS THE WONDER, THE

ESCAPE, THE STORY.

>> THE SANDY BEACHES, THE

MASSIVE BAMBOO.

>> THE WILDLIFE.

THE CULTURE.

>> THE FOOD.

THE NIGHT LIFE.

>> TRIBESMEN.

>> THE HISTORY AND LUSH DANGLY

FOLIAGE.

>> TRIBESMEN.

>> LEAVE ORDINARY BEHIND.

>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I YEARNED

FOR A NEW BEGINNING.

>> AND WHERE BETTER TO START

ANEW THAN THE CRYSTAL WATERS AND

SANDY BEACHES OF AFRICA.

>> THE HUMPBACK WHALES, THE

TALL, TALL TRIBESMEN.

THE BAMBOO.

>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I TOOK IN

THE BREATHTAKING VIEWS AND

DELICIOUS CUISINE OF AFRICA.

>> WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

SET SAIL FOR AFRICA.

>> ALL OF AFRICA.

>> ZIMBABWE, KENYA.

>> GHANA, TANZANIA.

>> TRIBESMEN.

>> THE SKY, THE COCONUT WATER.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THAT

COCONUT WATER.

>> LAST NIGHT, I SAW THE FACE OF

GOD.

>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I MOVED

TO MOMBASA AND WAS TAKEN IN MY

THE MASAI TRIBE WHERE I WAS

ORDAINED AS A MINISTER OF JOY.

>> ME TOO.

>> ME THREE.

HI, I'M JOANN.

>> THAT'S OUR NAME TOO.

>> RIGHT ON.

>> I FIRST MOVED TO THE

BEAUTIFUL AFRICA AFTER MY

DIVORCE.

I MET A WONDERFUL FRIEND ON THE

COMPUTER, AND HE INVITED ME TO

THE LOVELY OCEAN WATERS OF

GAMBIA.

>> AH, GAMBIA.

SO MUCH BAMBOO.

>> BEAUCOUP BAMBOO.

>> ONCE I GOT HERE, I KNEW I HAD

TO EXPLORE THE REST OF THE

MAGICAL LANDS OF AFRICA.

>> JUNGLES, MOUNTAINS, THE

RANGES.

>> THE RIVER, THE DRUMS, THE

POUNDING.

>> THE FANNING YOURSELF WITH A

PALM BETWEEN ROUNDS.

>> I FOUND SUCH A DEEP, DEEP

CONNECTION HERE.

>> YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR

STOMACH.

>>TELL YOUR TRAVEL AGENT YOU

WANT TO SEE AFRICA.

ALL OF IT.

>> FROM ANGOLA TO JAMAICA.

>> NOT EGYPT.

>> YES, VERY DRY THERE.

NO BAMBOO.

>> SO, LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME.

>>LEAVE EVERYTHING AT HOME.

BRING NO ONE.

>> EXCEPT YOURSELF AND SOME

MONEY AND SOME MEN'S SNEAKERS.

>> AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY YOU'RE

GOING.

>> TO BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL

AFRICA.

>> AFRICA.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THAT

COCONUT WATER.

>> THE NUMBER ONE DESTINATION

FOR DIVORCEES OF A CERTAIN AGE.

AFRICA.

WE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR

YOU.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, THE DIVINE

H.E.R.

♪♪♪

♪ ONLY IF THE BOY'S BEEN

HOLDIN' ON ME

♪ I CAN'T WAIT TOO LONG

I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ♪

♪ HIS HARD'S DEEP ♪

♪ I WANT TO BE FREE ♪

♪ HOW DO YOU GET SO COMFORTABLE

THEN LEAVE? ♪

♪ SAY SOMETHING, BABY-SOMETHING

BABY ♪

♪ RUNNING TO YOU

RUNNING FROM ME ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ON

DON'T WANT TO BE SO

DEPENDENT ON YOU ♪

♪ DEPENDENT ON ME

DON'T WANT TO BE

SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU

I END UP HURTING ME ♪

♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD ON TO YOU

I'LL NEVER WANT TO LEAVE ♪

♪ DON'T LET ME, DON'T SET ME

FREE ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ DON'T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED ♪

♪ NO ♪

♪ EVERY TIME I'M WEAK GETTING

LONG ♪

♪ DEEP IN MY BONES I KNOW ♪

♪ HOW DO YOU GET SOMEWHERE

COMFORTABLE AND LEAVE? ♪

♪ SAY SOMETHING, BABY-SOMETHING

TO ME ♪

♪ RUNNING TO YOU, RUNNING FROM

ME ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ON ♪

♪ DON'T WANT TO BE SO DEPENDENT

ON YOU, DEPENDENT ON ME ♪

♪ SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪

♪ I'LL ONLY HURT ME ♪

♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪

♪ I'LL I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE,

YEAH ♪

♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪

♪ I'LL ONLY HURT ME, BABY ♪

♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD TON TO YOU ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE, YEAH ♪

♪ BABY YEAH ♪

♪ OH, I, KNOW I IF I HOLD ON TO

YOU I'M ONLY HURTING, YEAH ♪

♪ AS LONG AS I HOLD ON TO

YOU-I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

>>> DANG, CHARLISE YOU LOOK

AMAZING IN THOSE JEANS,

AND YOU SMELL GREAT, TOO.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

>> WHY, THEY'RE MY ASS ANGEL

PERFUME JEANS OF COURSE.

>> PERFUME JEANS?

OOH, GORGEOUS.

CAN I GET A PAIR?

>> SWEET SMELLING BOOTY.

THESE JEANS ARE FROM HEAVEN

ABOVE.

♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN ANGEL

AND NOW SHE SMELLS LIKE ONE

TOO ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN ANGEL

YOU CAN SMELL THAT IT'S TRUE ♪

>> ASS ANGEL JEANS ARE THE ONLY

JEANS THAT COVER YOUR SECRET

LADY SCENTS.

DON'T WORRY, GIRL.

ALL I CAN SMELL IS CINNAMON

SUGAR SWIRL.

>> HE KNOWS THE BOOTY LOOK LIKE

CAKE, BUT NOW IT SMELLS LIKE ONE

TOO.

>> BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND TAKE

A BITE.

♪ PERFUMED AROMA AND I'M

TALKING BACK DOOR ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN

ANGEL ♪

♪ WANT TO SMELL IT SOME MORE ♪

>> ASS ANGEL PERFUME JEANS ARE

ALSO MADE OF LAVENDER, ROSE,

AND LOADS OF AWESOME INDUSTRIAL

CHEMICALS.

>> THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF SMELL.

I GOT TO SIT DOWN.

>> OH, NO, NOT ON THE FURNITURE.

>> OH, WOW, MY BUTT -- THE SEAT.

>> THAT'S THE MAGIC OF THE

JEANS, OF COURSE.

>>HEY, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM

EARLIER AND IT STUNG WHEN I

TINKLED.

IS THAT THE JEANS?

>> UH-HUH.

DO NOT WEAR THESE JEANS IF YOU

HAVE KIDNEY OR LIVER PROBLEMS.

>> SMELLING GOOD, LADIES.

WOW.

THAT ASS IS HOT.

>> AND SO MY FRONT.

>> NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE TO GO SING.

♪ DO THEY WEAR JEANS

IN HEAVEN? ♪

♪ THAT ASS OF MY PRAYERS ♪

>> ASS ANGEL JEANS.

CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE

PURCHASING.

>>> THANK YOU TO H.E.R., ALEC

BALDWIN, JIM CARREY.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

I HAD TO TIME OF MY LIFE.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!

♪♪♪

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