Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 46, Episode 4 - Adele/H.E.R. - full transcript
Host Adele; H.E.R. performs.
♪♪♪
>>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M KRISTEN WELKER, AND IT IS
THE HONOR OF A LIFETIME TO
MODERATE THE SECOND AND, PRAISE
JESUS, FINAL PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE.
TONIGHT WE HAVE A MUTE BUTTON
BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER THAT OR
TRANQUILIZER DARTS, AND THE
PRESIDENT HAS A VERY HIGH
TOLERANCE FOR THOSE AFTER HIS
COVID TREATMENT.
SO, PLEASE WELCOME PRESIDENT
DONALD TRUMP AND FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
♪♪♪
GOOD EVENING GENTLEMAN, AND
WELCOME TO THE DEBATE.
ARE WE READY TO BEGIN?
>> YES, BUT FIRST, HOW DOES THIS
MUTE BUTTON WORK?
DO I JUST HAUL OFF AND SLAP HIM
IN THE MOUTH?
>> NO, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WE'LL
TAKE CARE OF THAT ON OUR OWN.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE I THINK EVERYBODY WOULD
LOVE TO SEE ME DO IT.
>> OKAY, REALLY?
THINK YOU'RE SOME TOUGH GUY
BECAUSE OF ALL THAT MONEY FROM
CHINA?
>> AH AH AH.
I'LL PUSH IT.
IT'S NOT CONNECTED TO ANYTHING,
BUT I'LL PUSH IT.
OUR FIRST QUESTION ON THE
CORONAVIRUS IS FOR PRESIDENT
TRUMP.
MORE THAN 40,000 AMERICANS ARE
IN THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT WITH
COVID.
HOW WOULD YOU LEAD THE COUNTRY
DURING THE NEXT STAGE OF THIS
CRISIS?
>> WHAT A NICE QUESTION.
THANK YOU, HODA.
CAN I JUST SAY, YOU'RE REALLY
DOING A GREAT JOB.
>> IT'S CREEPIER WHEN YOU'RE
NICE, BUT THANK YOU.
>> NO REALLY, YOU'RE TAKING VERY
GOOD CARE OF US TONIGHT.
NOW COULD YOU JUST TELL US THE
SPECIALS, PLEASE.
>> MR. TRUMP, I'M THE MODERATOR.
I'M NOT YOUR WAITRESS.
>> OKAY.
JUST SOME WATERS, PLEASE.
CORONAVIRUS, SO BORING, RIGHT?
BUT WE'RE DOING TERRIFIC.
WE'RE ROUNDING THE CORNER.
IN FACT WE'VE ROUNDED SO MANY
CORNERS WE'VE GONE ALL THE WAY
AROUND THE BLOCK AND WE'RE BACK
WHERE WE START IN MARCH.
>> COME ON, MAN, WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF A THIRD WAVE.
WHERE I COME FROM IF A GIRL GAVE
YOU A THIRD WAVE, YOU WERE
PRACTICALLY MARRIED.
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME
IT IS.
IT'S HALF PAST COME ON, MAN.
>> NO, IT'S NOT A WAVE.
IT'S NOT A WAVE.
A WAVE GOES LIKE THIS.
AND THIS IS GOING LIKE THIS.
SURE, THERE'S BEEN A TINY
CORONAVIRUS SPIKE IN FLORIDA AND
A TEENSY SPIKE IN ARIZONA.
AND A TUNESY WUNSEY ONE IN NORTH
DAKOTA.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,
BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER DAKOTA
SOMEWHERE.
>> JUST BREATHE, JOE.
IF YOU DON'T BREATHE, YOU'LL
DIE.
>>IN JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS, IF
YOU VOTE FOR ME, THE VACCINE
WILL BE HERE AND WILL BE
DISTRIBUTED BY THE MILITARY.
>> I'M SORRY.
YOU SAID THE MILITARY WILL
DISTRIBUTE THE VACCINE?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THE ARMY WILL
COME AND SHOOT IT WITH A CANNON
INTO YOUR FACE.
LOOK, I HAD IT.
IT WAS VERY MEAN TO ME, BUT I
BEAT IT AND NOW DOCTORS SAY I
CAN NEVER DIE.
AND THE VIRUS SAID TO ME, SIR,
I HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BODY NOW.
AND THE VIRUS WAS CRYING.
VERY SAD.
DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE MY BODY.
THE POINT IS, WE'RE ALL LEARNING
TO DEAL WITH IT.
>> LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT?
WE'RE LEARNING TO DIE WITH IT,
MAN!
♪♪♪
>> LOOKS LIKE MR. BIDEN IS SO
MAD HE'S EASTWOODING IT A LITTLE
BIT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW I BELIEVE THE LITTLE LADY
ASKED YOU ABOUT A PLAN.
WHY DON'T YOU ENLIGHTEN US,
PUNK?
>> I HAVE A PLAN.
IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLAN
YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
>> YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN
FOR ME.
FIRST I'M CREEPY.
THEN I'M SLEEPY.
YOU SAY I HAVE DEMENTIA.
THEN YOU SAY I'M A CRIMINAL
MASTER MIND.
WHICH ONE IS IT KIMO SABE.
>> I CAN'T SHOW YOU BECAUSE IT'S
BEING AUDITED ALONG WITH MY
TAXES,
WHICH I PREPAID JUST LIKE A DRUG
DEALER'S PHONE.
I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY,
EVEN THOUGH IT CAME FROM CHINA
ON A PLANE PILOTED BY NANCY
PELOSI FULL OF MEXICANS.
SHOT DOWN ON HER WAY TO PEDO
ISLAND.
>> COME ON, AMERICA.
I HATE THE CURSE IN FRONT OF A
WOMAN, BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF
MALARKY.
>> THAT'S OUR FIRST MALARKY.
IF YOU'RE PLAYING BIDEN BINGO AT
HOME, TAKE A SHOT.
MR. PRESIDENT.
>> THANK YOU, PADMA.
LOOK, PEOPLE LOVE HOW I'VE
HANDLED THE WU TANG VIRUS.
IF HE WAS IN CHARGE WE'D ALL BE
IN OUR BASEMENTS AND THAT'S
WHERE THE HAUNTED ANNABELLE DOLL
LIVES.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING
THAT'S A VERY SCARY DOLL.
SHE'S SO SCARY.
SOME ARE SAYING THAT'S THE MOST
SCARY DOLL.
AND THAT'S NOT COWARDLY.
THAT'S JUST SMART, OKAY?
WE CAN'T SPEND ALL DAY IN THE
BASEMENT.
WE'RE NOT ALL RICH LIKE JOE,
WITH ALL THE MONEY YOU GOT FROM
CHINA.
>> LOOK AT ME.
DO I LOOK REMOTELY RICH?
IF I HAVE MONEY, WHERE AM I
SPENDING IT?
I LIVE IN DELAWARE.
A NIGHT OUT IS $28.
COME ON!
I BOUGHT THIS SUIT ON A TRAIN.
COME ON!
IF I HAD $3 MILLION EXTRA WOULD
I BE TAKING THE TRAIN TO WORK?
NO!
I'D BE PULLING UP TO THE CAPITAL
DOME WITH A CANDY RED TRANS-AM
AND KENNY LOGGINS PLAYING IN THE
BACK.
NOT A RECORDING, THE REAL
KENNY LOGGINS.
CAN I GET A COME ON?
>> COME ON!
THAT IS FUN.
NOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP YOU SAID A
VACCINE WOULD BE COMING WITHIN
WEEKS.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> ANYTHING CAN BE WEEKS, OKAY?
A MONTH IS FIVE WEEKS.
BUT A YEAR IS 36 OR SOMETHING.
BUT I GUARANTEE THE VACCINE IS
COMING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TWO AND
700 WEEKS.
OKAY?
UNTIL THEN, WE HAVE TO WEAR THE
STUPID MASKS AND THE LITTLE
GOGGLES.
AND WE'RE MAKING SO MANY
VENTILATORS.
I DON'T WANT TO GET EVERYBODY
EXCITED, BUT IF I GET ELECTED I
PROMISE EVERYONE IN AMERICA WILL
BE ON A BIG BEAUTIFUL
VENTILATOR.
>> GREAT.
THAT SEGUES TO HEALTHCARE IN A
SCARY WAY.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHAT IS
YOUR PLAN IF OBAMACARE IS STRUCK
DOWN?
>> I HAVE A PLAN.
IT'S CALLED BIDEN CARE.
IT'S LIKE OBAMACARE BUT BIDEN.
IT MAY NOT TALK AS SMOOTH, IT
MAY NEED A LITTLE BIT MORE
SUNSCREEN THAN THE PREVIOUS
MELANIN RICH PLAN, BUT DAMN IT,
IT'S GOT HEART AND IT WORKS!
>> MY PLAN IS PERFECT.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL
PLAN.
>> SHOW US THE PLAN.
>> THIS PLAN IS AN L.A. 10.
LARGE NATURALS, HIGH BOOTY, BAD
ATTITUDE, BUT SHE CUTE.
>> NOT A PLAN.
NOT A PLAN.
THAT'S A PLANLESS MAN.
>> EXCUSE ME, I'D LOVE TO SHOW
YOU THE PLAN, BUT I CAN'T,
BECAUSE IT'S UNDER AUDIT LIKE MY
TAXES.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME YOU CAN
TALK TO MY LAWYER, RUDY
GIULIANI.
>> WHAT, HUH?
NO, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE.
MY MICROPHONE WAS STUCK.
ON MY BALLS.
IS THIS ANOTHER BORAT?
YOU GOT TELL ME IF IT'S A BORAT.
>> YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, BIDEN,
BECAUSE RUDY'S GOT A LOT OF SANE
AND COHERENT INFORMATION THAT
LOOKS REALLY BAD FOR YOU JOE.
>> TELL HIM, RUDY.
>> GET READY FOR THIS TRUTH
BOMB.
YOUR SON HUNTER GOT $3 MILLION
FROM MOSCOW, AND HIS FRIEND
TONY -- HAS EMAILS
ON THE WET LAPTOP FROM HELL AND
OUR EYEWITNESS SAW EVERYTHING,
AND ALSO, HE'S BLIND, SO --
>> SEE?
EVEN HIS NASTY SON IS CORRUPT.
>> DON'T DO IT, JOE.
DON'T RETALIATE, EVEN THOUGH HIS
KIDS ARE A BUNCH OF
CHARITY-SCAMMERS.
>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO RESPOND?
>> NO.
>> VERY WELL.
I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO RACE.
>> THANK YOU, MINDY, I LOVE YOUR
PROJECT.
>> I'M THE LEAST RACIST PERSON
IN THIS ROOM.
I'VE DONE MORE FOR ANYBODY
EXCEPT LINCOLN.
BLACK PEOPLE LOVE HIS CARS.
I SEE THEM DRIVING THEM ALL THE
TIME.
SOMETIMES THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE
IN THE BACK, BUT NOT ALWAYS.
THANK YOU.
>> YOU THINK YOU'RE LINCOLN?
BECAUSE HIS NICKNAME HAS THE
WORD HONEST IN IT.
>> AND MUTE.
THAT IS ABOUT AS WELL AS THE
RACE SECTION COULD HAVE GONE.
I SAVED 60 SECONDS FOR THE
CLIMATE.
MR. VICE PRESIDENT?
>> SINCE WE'RE HERE AND ALMOST
OUT OF TIME, OIL NO, WIND YES,
FRACKING, DEPENDS WHAT STATE I'M
IN.
>> THIS GUY AND HIS WIND.
HE LOVES WIND.
LOOK, I KNOW MORE ABOUT WIND
THAN ANYONE.
WIND KILLS ALL THE BIRDS.
CHOPS THEM RIGHT UP.
LIKE A MAGIC BULLET.
IT TURNS THEM INTO BIRD
SOMETIMES IT GETS REAL FAST INTO
A TWISTER AND THROWS A COW RIGHT
ON TOP OF HELEN HUNT.
>> WOW, OKAY.
THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT FOR
SHARING YOUR POEM ABOUT WIND.
AT THIS POINT WE'VE COME TO OUR
FINAL QUESTION, AND IT'S FOR
BOTH OF YOU.
I WANT TO YOU IMAGINE YOUR
INAUGURATION DAY.
WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO AMERICANS
WHO DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU?
>> WELL, IF THEY DIDN'T VOTE FOR
ME I GUESS I'D SAY HOLA.
FOR THE REST I WOULD SAY, JUST
REMEMBER HOW GOOD THINGS USED TO
BE BACK BEFORE THE CHINA PLAGUE.
WE HAD THE LOWEST UNEMPLOYMENT
NUMBERS IN ALL CATEGORIES.
BLACKS, ASIANS, LATINXS,
BRUNETTES, MILFS, LGBTQ ANON.
IN CONCLUSION, NEW YORK IS A
GHOST TOWN.
KIDS LOVE CAGES AND JOE BIDEN IS
FROM KENYA, THANK YOU.
>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOUR
TURN.
>> LOOK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHO HE IS AND YOU KNOW
WHO I AM.
I'M GOOD OLD JOE.
I'M RELIABLE AS A ROCK.
I'VE GOT A FIVE-STAR SAFETY
RATING AND I'M RANKED BEST
MIDSIZE IN MY CLASS BY J.D.
POWER AND ASSOCIATES.
I DON'T HAVE A GOLDEN TOILET
SEAT.
I HAVE A SOFT, SPONGY ONE
THAT HISSES WHENEVER I PARK MY
KEISTER.
I TAKE TRAINS AND I DON'T SEE
ANY TRAINS IN SIGHT.
THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS
MALARKY.
>> WITH THAT MALARKY, THAT'S
BINGO AND I AM DRUNK.
GOOD LUCK, AMERICA.
AND WITH THAT, LIVE FROM NEW
YORK.
>> IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
♪♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"!
WITH--
MUSICAL GUEST --
H.E.R.
AND YOUR HOST --
ADELE.
♪♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
ADELE.
♪♪♪
>>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
IT'S ME, AND MY GOD, I'M
ABSOLUTELY THRILLED TO FINALLY
BE HOSTING THIS SHOW.
A SHOW THAT NOT ONLY DO I
GENUINELY LOVE, BUT THE SHOW
THAT BROKE MY CAREER HERE IN
AMERICA 12 VERY LONG YEARS AGO.
SEE, I WAS A MUSICAL GUEST BACK
IN 2008 WHEN SARAH PALIN CAME ON
WITH MS. TINA FEY.
SO OBVIOUSLY A FEW MILLION
PEOPLE TUNED IN TO WATCH IT AND
THE REST IS HISTORY.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
AMERICAN POLITICS.
I'M BRITISH, YOU KNOW?
AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING
TOO POLITICAL, SO I'LL JUST SAY
THIS SARAH PAIL LISTEN, THANKS.
I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF CHAT
ABOUT ME BEING THE HOST.
WHY IS SHE NOT THE MUSICAL
GUEST.
I'M TOO SCARED TO DO BOTH.
I'D RATHER PUT ON WIGS --S THIS
ALL MINE, BY THE WAY, HAVE A
GLASS OF WINE OR SIX AND SEE
WHAT HAPPENS.
I KNOW I LOOK DIFFERENT THAN
WHEN YOU LAST SAW ME, BUT
BECAUSE OF THE COVID
RESTRICTIONS I HAD TO TRAVEL
LIGHT AND BRING ONLY HALF WITH
ME, SO THIS IS THE HALF I CHOSE.
I'M NERVOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LIKE.
I ALWAYS GET VERY NERVOUS ON
LIVE TV BUT TONIGHT ESPECIALLY
SO BECAUSE I SWEAR A LOT.
LIKE A LOT A LOT.
LAST TIME I WAS PLAYING GLASS
TON BURY AND THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENED.
>> THIS IS THE BEST [ BLEEP ]
MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
IF ANY OF YOU
[ BLEEP ]-[ BLEEP ]
[ BLEEP ].
>> HONESTLY I DON'T NOTICE I'M
DOING IT ANYMORE.
BUT TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A SWEAR
JAR.
LET'S CHECK IN ON THAT.
KEENAN, WHERE WE AT?
>> UH, GETTING PRETTY FULL,
ADELE.
THIS IS JUST FROM WHEN YOU SAID
HI TO ME BACKSTAGE.
>> OH, WOW.
SORRY.
LET'S MAKE SURE THAT ALL GOES TO
CHARITY.
>> OH, DAMN.
WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT ADELE?
>> BEFORE WE REALLY START TO
SHOW, I WANT TO SAY A GENUINE
AND SINCERE THANK YOU TO THE
FRONT LINE WORKERS WHO ARE DOWN
HERE IN THE AUDIENCE.
THEY SAY THAT ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN
TO NEW YORK YOU KEEP PIECE OF IT
IN OUR HEART FOREVER.
SO I GIVE IT UP TO YOU AND YOU
GIVE IT UP TO YOURSELVES AS
WELL.
RIGHT, WHETHER YOU'RE HERE IN
THE STUDIO OR WATCHING AT HOME,
WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOR
AN HOUR AND A HALF, SO
I REALLY HOPE YOU GET AS MUCH
JOY OUT OF THIS AS WE GOT
PUTTING IT TOGETHER FOR YOU.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW.
H.E.R. IS HERE
SO STICK AROUND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK
>>> OH, MY GOD, THIS PLACE IS SO
COOL.
>> I KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
GET A PSYCHIC READING.
>> OH, MY GOD, IS ANYONE HERE?
I REALLY WANT TO GET ONE.
>> YOU WANT TO SEE THE FUTURE?
SIT, AND I WILL TELL YOU WHAT
LIES AHEAD.
FOR MADAME VIVELDA KNOWS ALL.
>> OH, YES.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> YEAH, THIS YEAR HAS BEEN SO
INSANE AND HARD.
WE KIND OF WANT TO SKIP AHEAD
AND JUST SEE WHAT NEXT YEAR
HOLDS INSTEAD.
>> YEAH, 2019 HAS SUCKED!
BUT I THINK 2020 IS GOING TO BE
OUR YEAR.
>> TOTALLY.
>> OH, YES.
OKAY, WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?
>> I'LL GO.
MADAME VIVELDA, THINGS ARE
GETTING KIND OF SERIOUS WITH MY
BOYFRIEND, AND I'M CURIOUS IF
YOU SEE US MOVING IN TOGETHER
NEXT YEAR.
>> HMM, OKAY.
LET ME SEE.
LET ME LOOK.
OKAY.
YES, YES.
YES I SEE YOU.
YOU ARE IN YOUR HOME.
AND YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THERE.
YES, YOU ARE IN THE HOME YOU
SHARE TOGETHER.
YES, I SEE HIM, HE'S WASHING A
BAG OF DORITOS WITH SOAP.
AND YOU ARE SCREAMING AT HIM.
YOU ARE CRYING.
YOU ARE SCREAMING, THAT'S NOT
ENOUGH SOAP.
YOU NEED TO USE MORE SOAP.
I DON'T WANT TO GET IT FROM A
BAG OF CHIPS.
>> WHAT?
GET WHAT FROM CHIPS?
>> THE VISION IS GONE.
WHO WANTS TO GO NEXT?
KNOW WHY I'M WASHING CHIPS NEXT
YEAR.
>> MADAME VIVELDA, I'LL GO.
I'M UP FOR A BIG PROMOTION IN
MARCH AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU
SEE ANYTHING WORK RELATED FOR ME
NEXT YEAR.
>> OKAY.
NO, I DON'T SEE WORK.
I SEE YOU ON THE PHONE WITH A
MAN FROM FEDEX.
AND YOU ARE CRYING.
YOU ARE SAYING, WHERE IS MY
ADULT COLORING BOOK?
I NEED MY ADULT COLORING BOOK.
>> WAIT, ANNIE, DO YOU COLOR?
>> NO, OF COURSE I DON'T COLOR.
>> IT'S OKAY IF YOU DO.
>> I DON'T COLOR!
HER PSYCHIC VISION MUST BE OFF.
THIS ISN'T LIKE ME.
I WANT TO GO TO MUSEUMS AND
CONCERTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> I DON'T SEE ANY CONCERTS IN
2020.
ONLY COLORING.
MONDAY, COLORING.
TUESDAY, COLORING.
ALL THE DAYS, COLORING.
HA HA HA!
OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?
>> UM, I GUESS ME, BUT I DON'T
KNOW IF I WANT TO GO ANYMORE.
>> NO, NO, YOU GIVE ME YOUR
PALM.
I SENSE A LOT OF FUN TRAVEL IN
YOUR FUTURE.
>> YOU DO?
OKAY, GOOD.
ACTUALLY, ME AND MY BOYFRIEND
ARE PLANNING TO FLY TO PARIS IN
MAY.
>> OH, THAT'S FUN.
BUT NO, I DON'T SEE
YOU FLYING TO PARIS.
I SEE YOU DRIVING TO KENTUCKY,
YES.
AND YOU ARE PEEING IN A BAG IN
THE CAR BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID
TO USE THE GAS STATION BATHROOM.
YOU PEE IN THE BAG AND THEN HE
PEES IN THE BAG, AND ON AND ON
UNTIL KENTUCKY!
>> WAIT, WHY DOES HE GO TO
KENTUCKY?
>> YEAH, WHAT DO WE DO IN
KENTUCKY?
>> OKAY, LET'S SEE.
YES, YES.
OKAY, ON THE FIRST DAY, YOU
NOTICE A SMALL RASH ON YOUR
FINGER, AND YOU SPEND THE DAY
CRYING AND GOOGLING, IS RASH AND
FINGER PART OF IT?
>> PART OF WHAT?
>> OH, MY GOSH.
ALL OF YOUR VISIONS MENTION US
CRYING.
DO WE ALL JUST CRY FOR 2020?
>> NO, NOT ALWAYS.
I CAN SEE YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
AND YOU ARE VERY HAPPY.
YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU ASK FOR.
>> I DO?
WHAT DO I ASK FOR?
>> STAMPS.
YOU ASK EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE TO
BUY STAMPS, AND THEY DO.
THEY ALL BUY THE STAMPS.
AND YOU SAY, TAKE THAT,
POSTMASTER GENERAL LOUIS DEJOY!
>> WHAT?
WHY DO I KNOW THE FULL NAME OF
THE POSTMASTER GENERAL IN 2020?
>> GIRLS, LISTEN, I KNOW A LOT
OF THIS SOUNDS SCARY, BUT AT
LEAST WE ALL HAVE EACH OTHER
IN 2020, RIGHT?
>> OH, NO, MY POOR SPENCER, NO.
NO YOU WON'T.
BECAUSE IN JUNE YOU WILL DO
SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE, YOUR
FRIENDS WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU
AGAIN.
>> OH, MY GOD, WHAT DO I DO?
>> YOU EAT INSIDE A RESTAURANT.
>> THAT'S IT?
>> HE JUST EATS IN A RESTAURANT,
AND WE CUT HIM OUT OF OUR LIVES
COMPLETELY?
>> EXACTLY.
>> OKAY, WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY
IT'S BAD, BUT I'M SO SORRY I DO
THAT, GIRLS.
>> NO, WE'RE SORRY.
>> NO, NO!
WHAT IS THIS?
I'M SEEING ONE FINAL VISION, AND
IT IS VERY DARK.
WHO HERE IS TIFFANY TUBEN?
>> I AM.
>> YES.
I AM SEEING YOUR FATHER,
TIFFANY.
AND HE IS ON A ZOOM, AND HIS
WEINER'S OUT ON THE ZOOM.
>> WHAT?
WHAT EVEN IS A ZOOM?
>> I DO NOT KNOW, BUT YOUR
FATHER IS DEFINITELY ON IT, AND
HIS WEINER IS DEFINITELY OUT.
AND IT'S NOT A GREAT WEINER,
TIFFANY.
NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S GETTING
HARDER.
IT'S ACTUALLY FINE.
>> OKAY, THIS IS TOO MUCH.
>> OKAY, BUT GIRLS, DO ME A
FAVOR.
IF ANY OF YOU SEE JK ROWELLING,
PLEASE TELL HER, STICK TO THE
BOOKS!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
>> HELLO?
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> CHAD.
>> WELCOME, CHAD.
WHY DON'T YOU STAY A WHILE?
>> OKAY.
>> GO TO THE LIGHT SO I MAY SEE
YOU BETTER.
>> OKAY.
>> HELLO, CHAD.
>> WHAT UP?
>> FORGIVE MY APPEARANCE.
YEARS AGO, I HAD A LITTLE
ACCIDENT.
>> OH, NO, YOUR NECK.
>> YES, I'M AFRAID IT'S QUITE
THE GASH.
>> GASH.
>> YOU'RE NOT AFRAID?
>> NO.
>> FOLLOW ME.
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW
YOU.
>> OKAY.
>> THEY ALL SAID THAT MY DEATH
WAS SUICIDE, THAT I SLIT MY OWN
THROAT.
>> OH, NO.
>> BUT IT WASN'T SUICIDE, CHAD.
IT WAS MURDER!
CHAD?
>> TAKING A PISS.
SAFETY.
>> AS I WAS SAYING, I WAS
MURDERED BY MY HUSBAND, AND THE
PROOF IS IN THERE.
>> OKAY.
>> AH, THE LIBRARY.
OH, HOW I LOVE TO READ.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE BOOK,
CHAD?
>> "WHERE'S WALDO," THE YELLOW
ONE.
>> I'M NOT FAMILIAR.
WHO'S THE AUTHOR?
>> WALDO.
>> THERE ON THE DESK YOU'LL FIND
A LETTER FROM MY HUSBAND.
READ IT.
THAT LETTER IS MORE DEAR TO ME
THAN YOU KNOW.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT CLEARLY
PROVES THAT MY HUSBAND MURDERED
ME FOR MY INHERITANCE.
AND WHEN THE PUBLIC READS IT,
THE TRUTH WILL BE KNOWN AND I
CAN FINALLY CROSS OVER TO THE
AFTERLIFE.
>> OKAY.
>>I SEE YOU'RE LOOKING AT MY
PORTRAIT.
TELL ME, CHAD, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
>> TIG OLD BITTIES.
>> I HAVE BEEN -- I SEE A WOMAN
TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE.
EVEN NOW I YEARN FOR THE TENDER
KISS OF TRUE LOVE.
OH, MY GOD.
CHAD, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> GOOD.
NOW GO AND MAKE MY TRUTH BE
KNOWN.
BUT BE WARNED, IF YOU FAIL ME,
I WILL BE MOST DISPLEASED.
>> OKAY.
>> AND, CHAD?
THANK YOU.
>> NO DOUBT.
>> OH, FOR [ BLEEP ] SAKE!
>> OKAY.
>>> TONIGHT ON ABC, IT'S A
SPECIAL BONUS SEASON OF
"THE BACHELOR," AND THIS TIME
HE'S 5'11" --
AND A HALF.
>> HEY THERE.
I'M BEN K.
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I
THREW A SHOPPING CART AT A GAY
KID'S HEAD, BUT NOW I'M HERE,
READY TO FIND LOVE.
AND THERE ARE SO MANY INCREDIBLE
GIRLS TO CHOOSE FROM.
>> HI, I'M HANNAH C.
I'M TWENTY AND I HAVE THE OLDEST
FACE FOR A YOUNG PERSON YOU'LL
EVER SEE.
>> HEY, I'M HANNAH ALEXIS C.
I'M 21, AND NEXT YEAR I'LL BE
22.
>> HI, I'M ADELE ADKINS.
I'M 32.
YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM BEING THE
SINGER, ADELE.
I'M HERE BECAUSE I'VE HAD A LOT
OF HEARTBREAK IN MY LIFE, FIRST
AT 19, AND THEN SORT OF FAMOUSLY
AT 21, AND THEN EVEN MORE
FAMOUSLY AT 25, BUT I HAVE A
REALLY GOOD FEELING ABOUT BEN K.
IT'S ONLY NIGHT ONE.
I CAN ALREADY TELL HE'S GOING TO
BE THE NEXT LOVE OF MY LIFE.
>> HEY, GIRLS.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS HAS
BEEN SUCH A GREAT NIGHT.
I REALLY ENJOYED LAUGHING WITH
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU,
EVEN THOUGH NONE OF US EVER SAID
A JOKE ONCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES!
>> AND THIS WAS A HARD DECISION,
BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE THE FIRST
IMPRESSION ROSE TO HANNAH C.
>> WAIT, WHAT?
YOU'RE GIVING TO IT HANNAH C.?
♪♪♪
♪ I HEARD THAT YOU'RE
SETTLED DOWN
THAT YOU ♪
>> ADELE?
♪ FOUND A GIRL
AND YOU'RE
MARRIED NOW ♪
>> ADELE?
♪ I HEARD THAT
YOUR DREAMS
CAME TRUE ♪
>> ADELE!
ADELE!
HEY, SORRY.
I AM NOT MARRIED TO HANNAH C.
IT WAS JUST THE ONE ROSE.
YOU'RE STILL IN THIS.
>> I AM?
>> YES, GIRL.
THERE'S LIKE 40 EPISODES LEFT.
SO I'D PACE YOURSELF
EMOTIONALLY.
WE'VE BEEN HERE 10 MINUTES AND
YOU'VE ALREADY SUNG THAT A FEW
TIMES.
>> OH, RIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SORRY.
>> YEAH, I'D SAY OUT OF ALL THE
GIRLS IN THE HOUSE SO FAR, I
PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST IN COMMON
WITH HANNAH C. AND THE LEAST IN
COMMON WITH POP SUPERSTAR ADELE,
BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE
THAT'S MOVING THE FASTEST,
MAINLY BECAUSE ADELE IS MAKING
IT DO THAT.
ADELE, YOU LOOK SO NICE TONIGHT.
>> THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK PRETTY AMAZING TOO.
IN FACT, I GUESS I'D SORT OF
SAY --
♪♪♪
>> OH, WE'RE SINGING AGAIN,
OKAY.
♪ YOU LOOK LIKE A MOVIE ♪
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
♪ YOU SOUND LIKE A SONG ♪
>> OKAY, THANK YOU.
♪ MY GOD THIS REMINDS ME
OF WHEN WE WERE YOUNG ♪
>> WE MET TODAY.
♪ LET ME PHOTOGRAPH YOU IN THIS
LIGHT ♪
>> ADELE!
ADELE!
ADELE.
CAN WE JUST TALK?
THIS IS REALLY MORE OF A TALKING
SHOW.
>> I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THAT.
>> YOU KNOW, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE
BEING ON "THE BACHELOR," BUT IT
HAS BEEN HARD TO GET ALONE TIME
WITH BEN WITH SO MANY OTHER
GIRLS IN THE HOUSE, INCLUDING
ADELE, ESPECIALLY ADELE.
THE PROBLEM IS ADELE.
>> IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY HAVE
SOME ALONE TIME WITH YOU.
>> I KNOW.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME A
LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
♪♪♪
>> OH, MY GOD.
♪ HELLO
IT'S ME ♪
♪ I WAS WONDERING IF AFTER ALL
THESE YEARS ♪
♪ YOU'D LIKE TO MEET ♪
>> OKAY, ADELE, NO, OKAY?
IT HAS NOT BEEN YEARS SINCE
YOU'VE SEEN BEN.
YOU'VE BEEN SINGING TO HIM ALL
NIGHT.
>> ALL RIGHT, OH MY GOD.
OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN A RIGHT PRICK YET
AGAIN.
I WILL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
>>THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.
>> YES, SO MUCH BETTER.
>> THOUGH I DO FEEL KIND OF
WEIRD THAT I YELLED AT THE
ACTUAL ADELE TO GO AWAY.
>> I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
>> WHY?
>> BECAUSE SHE'S BACK.
I CAN SEE HER BEHIND THE BUSHES.
♪ HELLO FROM INSIDE THIS BUSH ♪
>> OKAY, I'M GOING BACK TO THE
MANSION.
>> SO, I THINK NIGHT ONE'S BEEN
AN ABSOLUTE SMASH, BUT I'M
STARTING TO GET THE FEELING THAT
I MIGHT BE COMING ON A BIT
STRONG.
I THINK BEN K. SORT OF LIKES
THAT MORE LAID-BACK AMERICAN
VIBE, SO FOR THE REST OF THE
NIGHT I DECIDED THAT I'M GOING
TO PLAY IT REALLY, REALLY CHILL
AND COOL.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO
SOMEONE ELSE, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I EVEN
REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH.
IF IT WORKS OUT, IT WORKS OUT.
>> HI, CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A
SEC?
♪ THERE'S A FIRE
STARTING IN MY HEART
REACHING THAT FEVER PITCH ♪
♪ AND IT'S BRINGING ME OUT THE
DARK ♪
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE YOU CRYSTAL
CLEAR ♪
♪ GO AHEAD AND SELL ME OUT AND
I'LL LAY YOUR SHIP BARE ♪
>> OKAY, I'M A HUGE FAN, BUT I
DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH HER HERE.
>> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW THERE'S STILL 20 MINUTES
LEFT IN THE SHOW, BUT I THINK WE
GOT TO CALL IT WITH YOU, ADELE.
IT'S BEEN A VERY INTENSE NIGHT,
AND I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE
MANSION.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'D CALL THIS
A MANSION, BUT I UNDERSTAND.
GOOD LUCK, LADIES.
AND THANK YOU, BEN.
I WILL NOW LEAVE AND I WILL GO
QUIETLY.
I PROMISE THERE WILL BE NO MORE
DRAMA FROM ME.
>> WHOA, THAT'S SO SAD.
>> I KNOW.
I KIND OF WANTED HER TO FINISH
"SOMEONE LIKE YOU."
>> WAIT.
I THINK I CAN SEE HER COMING
BACK.
♪♪♪
>> YEP, HERE SHE IS.
♪ I HATE TO TURN
OUT OF THE BLUE UNINVITED
BUT I COULDN'T
STAY AWAY ♪
♪ I COULDN'T FIGHT IT
♪ I HOPED YOU'D SEE MY FACE AND
BE REMINDED THAT FOR ME IT ISN'T
OVER ♪
>> Together: YAY, SHE'S DOING
IT.
♪ NEVER MIND
I'LL FIND SOMEONE
LIKE YOU ♪
♪ I WISH NOTHING
BUT THE BEST
FOR YOU TOO ♪
♪ DON'T FORGET ME
I BEG ♪
♪ I REMEMBER YOU SAY-SOMETIMES
IT LASTS IN LOVE ♪
♪ BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS
INSTEAD ♪
♪ SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE BUT
SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD ♪
THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
CATCH ME NEXT WEEK ON "LOVE
ISLAND."
>>> EVERYONE KNOWS THIS COULD BE
THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN
OUR NATION'S HISTORY.
>> AND THE TWO CHOICES COULDN'T
BE MORE DIFFERENT.
>> DO WE WANT FOUR MORE YEARS OF
DONALD TRUMP OR A FRESH START
WITH JOE BIDEN?
>> CAN WE SURVIVE FOUR MORE
YEARS OF SCANDAL, NAME CALLING
AND RACIAL DIVISION?
>> OR DO WE WANT A LEADER WHO
UNITES THE COUNTRY?
>> I WANT TO VOTE FOR BIDEN
BECAUSE HE'S BETTER, SMARTER.
BETTER AND BETTER.
BUT I'M WORRIED.
>> I'M WORRIED TOO.
>> BECAUSE IF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T
PRESIDENT --
>> WHEN WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO
TALK ABOUT?
>> LIKE, WHAT WOULD OUR
CONVERSATIONS EVEN BE?
>> BECAUSE THE ONLY THING I
TALKED ABOUT FOR FOUR YEARS IS
DONALD TRUMP.
>> EVERY SINGLE DAY I TELL
SOMEONE, CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT
TRUMP JUST SAID?
>> MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY IS
HATING DONALD TRUMP.
IF HE'S GONE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO?
FOCUS ON MY KIDS AGAIN?
NO THANKS.
>> I ARGUE WITH MY DAD EVERY DAY
ABOUT TRUMP.
BEFORE THAT WE HASN'T SPOKEN FOR
YEARS.
>> I USED TO WATCH CIVIL RIGHTS
VIDEOS AND WONDER WHAT IT WOULD
BE LIKE TO LIVE IN THOSE TIMES.
THANKS TO TRUMP, I GET IT.
>> WHAT IS THE NEWS EVEN GOING
TO BE ABOUT NOW?
>> I AM REALLY WORRIED FOR
RACHEL MADDOW.
WHAT IS SHE EVEN GOING TO TALK
ABOUT?
>> WHAT ABOUT HIS TWEETS?
WHAT AM I GOING TO SEND TO MY
FRIENDS AND BE LIKE, THIS IS THE
CRAZIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
>> SURE, HE'S HISTORICALLY BAD
FOR THE COUNTRY, BUT HE'S GAVE
US SO MUCH.
>> INJECTING BLEACH IN OUR
BLOOD.
>> OPENLY CALLING AFRICAN
NATIONS [ BLEEP ] HOLES.
>> HE CHANGED THE GAME.
>> HE CALLED THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL HE APPOINTED MENTALLY
RETARDED.
THAT'S SOME NEXT LEVEL
[ BLEEP ].
>> I MEAN, HE STARTED WITH AN
IMPRESSION OF A DISABLED
REPORTER.
THAT WAS THE STARTING POINT.
B.S. CASE SCENARIO,
BIDEN GET THERE IS YEAR THREE.
>> ON NOVEMBER 3rd, I'LL BE
WORRIED.
>> ABOUT THE ELECTION, SURE.
>> FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY
OR WHATEVER.
>> BUT I'LL BE WORRIED ABOUT MY
FAVORITE VILLAIN.
>> LIKE IF THEY REPLACE JOKER.
>> I REMEMBER, EVEN IF HE LOSES,
TRUMP ISN'T GOING AWAY.
>> IF ANYTHING HE'S GOING TO GET
MORE VOCAL.
>> AND ANGRIER.
>> AND CRAZIER.
>> AND WITH ALL HIS CRIME, THERE
MAY BE A TRIAL.
AND MAYBE TRUMP WILL REPRESENT
HIMSELF IN COURT.
I GOT TO STOP GETTING MYSELF
HOPES UP.
>> MAYBE DONALD AND IVANKA WILL
RUN TOGETHER IN 2024?
>> WHY WOULD YOU THROW THAT OUT
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
H.E.R.
♪♪♪
♪ IF YOU GOT IT
IT AIN'T NO QUESTION
NO, IT AIN'T NO ROOM
FOR GUESSIN' ♪
♪ NO MORE THAN EMOTIONALLY
INVESTED
SHOWIN' YOU ALL MY
IMPERFECTIONS, OH ♪
♪ IF I LET YOU, YOU'LL
TAKE ME FOR GRANTED
YEAH ♪
♪ IF I'M WORTH MORE THAN
YOU COULD MANAGE
YEAH ♪
♪ OPEN WITH ME, OH WE
COULD BE HONEST
CLOSER TO ME, OH ♪
♪ GIVING ME SOLACE
PROMISE THAT YOU
WON'T LET ME FALL ♪
♪ HOLDING ME TIGHT
LOVING ME RIGHT
GIVING ME LIFE
ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU COULD BE
TELLING ME LIES
MAKING ME CRY ♪
♪ WASTING MY TIME
THE WHOLE TIME
SO JUST BE ♪
♪ CAREFUL WHAT YOU
TAKE FOR GRANTED, YEAH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WITH ME KNOW
YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE
YOU COULD DO DAMAGE, YEAH ♪
♪ WORRIED ABOUT IT I'M
PUTTING PRESSURE YOU KNOW
YOU'LL ONLY CUT ME
IF I LET YOU ♪
♪ NO, HE AIN'T THE ONE
IT'S JUST FOR PLEASURE
EITHER LEARN ME OR I'M
A LESSON GONE ♪
♪ IF YOU WANT ME DON'T
TAKE ME FOR GRANTED
YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ IF I'M WORTH MORE THAN
YOU COULD MANAGE, BABY ♪
♪ OH YOU'RE FALLING FOR ME
OH BABY I'VE CAUGHT IT ♪
♪ OOH WE COULD BE WHATEVER
YOU WANNA CALL IT
PROMISE THAT YOU WON'T
LET ME FALL ♪
♪ OH, BOY ♪
♪ HOLDING ME TIGHT
LOVING ME RIGHT
GIVING ME LIFE
ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU COULD BE
TELLING ME LIES
MAKING ME CRY
WASTING MY TIME ♪
♪ THE WHOLE TIME
♪ SO JUST BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU
TAKE FOR GRANTED, YEAH ♪
♪ CAUSE WITH ME KNOW
YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE
YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE,
YEAH ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE,
YEAH ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
wELL, THE FINAL PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE TOOK PLACE ON THURSDAY
AND THE ACTUAL CNN HEADLINE
AFTER WAS "TRUMP BEHAVED MORE
LIKE A REGULAR PERSON."
THAT'S NOT A DESCRIPTION OF A
PRESIDENT, BUT THE DESCRIPTION
OF A ROBOT FROM "WESTWORLD."
THIS DEBATE WAS SO FRUSTRATING
TO WATCH.
DID ANYONE FIND THEMSELVES
YELLING LINES AT THE SCREEN THAT
THEY WISHED BIDEN HAD SAID?
WHEN TRUMP TALKED ABOUT HOW GOOD
HE'S BEEN FOR THE STOCK MARKET,
I WAS LIKE, JOE, THE STOCK
MARKET WHEN YOU WERE VICE
PRESIDENT WENT UP FOUR TIMES
HIGHER THAN TRUMP'S STOCK
MARKET.
YOU HAVE THE BALL.
YOU'RE STANDING ABOVE THE RIM.
WHY WOULD YOU NOT DUNK IT?
OR WHEN TRUMP SAID THAT BIDEN IS
ALL TALK AND NO ACTION, WHY
DIDN'T BIDEN SAY, BITCH, SHOW US
YOUR TAXES, SHOW US THE VACCINE,
SHOW US THE WALL, AND SHOW US
WHAT PRISON YOU LOCKED HILLARY
IN.
TRULY IT WAS LIKE BIDEN HAD AN
OPEN FIELD, RUNNING FOR A
TOUCHDOWN, AND THEN THIS
HAPPENED.
>> HE IS GONE.
TRYING TO STAY UPRIGHT AND HE
TRIPS!
>> TRUMP CLAIMED THAT HE WAS
THE LEAST RACIST PERSON IN THE
ROOM, WHICH IS ONLY SOMETHING
THE MOST RACIST PERSON IN A ROOM
WOULD SAY.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, I'M THE
LEAST RACIST.
NOBODY'S EXPECTING YOU TO BE THE
LEAST RACIST.
I'D SETTLE FOR JUST NOT SO
RACIST ANYMORE.
WHEN YOU LIE THAT BIG IT MAKES
YOU LOOK MORE GUILTY.
IT'S LIKE WHEN MY UNCLE TOLD ME
HE DOESN'T GET HIGH ANYMORE
WHILE HE WAS HOLDING MY TV.
I HATE THAT.
>> YOU ALSO KNOW POLITICS IN
--
RUDY GIULIANI IS DENYING HE DID
ANYTHING WRONG AFTER A
CONTROVERSIAL NEW SCENE IN THE
BORAT MOVIE IN WHICH HE'S ALONE
IN A HOTEL ROOM WITH A FEMALE
REPORTER, PUTS HIS HANDS DOWN
HIS PANTS, AND APPEARS TO START
TOUCHING HIMSELF.
UNFORTUNATELY WE CANNOT SHOW YOU
THE VIDEO.
NOT BECAUSE IT VIOLATES
STANDARDS BUT BECAUSE ANYONE WHO
WATCHES IT DIES IN SEVEN DAYS.
GIULIANI DEFENDED HIMSELF BY
EXPLAINING THAT HE HAD TO LAY
DOWN ON THE BED TO TUCK IN HIS
SHIRT, WHICH I THINK IS AN
ACTUAL PUNCH LINE TO A "YO MAMA
IS SO FAT" JOKE.
>> RATES OF CORONAVIRUS ARE
SPIKING IN ALMOST EVERY STATE
AS THE COUNTRY BRACES FOR A
POSSIBLE THIRD PEAK, BUT ARE WE
ACTUALLY BRACING, THOUGH?
BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME PEOPLE
WERE HAVING KNIFE FIGHTS OVER
LYSOL AND TOILET PAPER, AND NOW
PEOPLE ARE BACK TO EATING
BUFFALO WINGS OUTSIDE, LICKING
ON THEIR FINGERS.
IT'S GROSS.
AM I THE ONLY ONE STILL
TERRIFIED?
REMEMBER WHEN TOM HANKS GOT IT
LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO, SIX MONTHS
AGO?
AND WE ALL SAT TEARY EYED
THINKING WE MIGHT ACTUALLY LOSE
FORREST GUMP?
NOW A WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM
GETS SICK AND THEY JUST MOVE THE
GAME?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING
WITH THIS.
IT'S BEEN A REALLY WEIRD WEEK,
AND I REALLY, REALLY THOUGHT THE
PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO DIE.
>> FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
WAS ALSO BACK ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL THIS WEEK.
IT WAS KIND OF JARRING TO SEE.
OBAMA'S PRESIDENCY SEEMED SO
LONG AGO.
IT'S EASY TO FORGET HE'S
15 YEARS YOUNGER THAN EITHER OF
THE CURRENT CANDIDATES.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS YOUNGER
THAN THE CURRENT CANDIDATES?
THE GUYS WE ELECTED IN THE
YEARS 2000 AND 1992.
IS IT JUST ME OR IS THAT INSANE?
THIS ELECTION IS THE EQUIVALENT
OF A BASEBALL TEAM GIVING A
FOUR-YEAR DEAL TO WILLIE MAYS
NOW.
>>> MANY AMERICANS ARE PREPARING
TO QUARANTINE AGAIN THIS WINTER.
HERE TO OFFER HER TIPS ON
QUARANTINING ALONE IS OUR VERY
OWN MELISSA VILLASENOR.
>> THANKS, COLIN.
HEY, NICE SUIT.
>> THANKS, MELISSA.
SO, WE'RE ALL BACK AT WORK NOW,
BUT BEFORE THAT YOU SPENT MOST
OF QUARANTINE BY YOURSELF,
RIGHT?
>> WOW, COLIN, WAY TO THROW IT
IN MY FACE.
I SAY NICE SUIT, AND YOU SAY,
YOU'RE ALWAYS ALONE.
>> I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS PRETTY HARSH.
SORRY, MELISSA.
>> IT'S OKAY.
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT, THOUGH.
IT WASN'T SUPER FUN ALL THE
TIME.
AT FIRST ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS
WATCH SILLY STUPID STUFF.
SO I FOUND THAT OLD SHOW
"THE LITTLE RASCALS."
I WOULD LAUGH SO HARD I COULDN'T
MAKE OUT A SINGLE WORD THEY WERE
SAYING.
IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS --
OH, NO.
HAMBURGER.
>> YEAH, ALL I UNDERSTOOD WAS
HAMBURGER.
>> I WAS LIKE, MAN, IT MUST HAVE
BEEN SO FUN TO BE A LITTLE
RASCAL.
THEN I LOOKED IT UP.
IT WAS NOT VERY FUN TO BE A
LITTLE RASCAL.
>> YEAH, THAT'S A BUMMER TO LOOK
INTO.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT ALWAYS CHEERS
ME UP THOUGH?
EXERCISING.
ONE DAY I WAS DOING A WALL SIT
FOR A WHOLE MINUTE.
THEN I SNEEZED LIKE THIS.
AHH!
ALL MY GAMERS OUT THERE KNOW
WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE.
THAT'S LINK FROM ZELDA.
I'M SITTING THERE, LEGS ON FIRE,
SNEEZING LIKE LINK.
AND THEN I PEED A LITTLE.
IT HAPPENS, YOU KNOW.
IT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.
>> REALLY BUMMED I MISSED IT.
>> I ALSO GOT PRETTY CREATIVE.
I SAW THAT TIKTOK OF THAT GUY
SKATEBOARDING TO FLEETWOOD MAC.
SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECREATE IT
MYSELF, YOU KNOW?
BUT INSTEAD OF CRANBERRY JUICE,
I WAS HOLDING MY CAT, ELLA.
SO I'M SKATEBOARDING, HOLDING
ELLA, SINGING TO HER --
♪ NOW HERE YOU PURR AGAIN
YOU SAY YOU WANT YOUR DINNER ♪
♪ WAIT I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO SKATEBOARD ♪
♪ I'M FALLING DOWN INTO A
CREEK ♪
♪ OH NO, I PEED AGAIN ♪
>> YOU PEED AGAIN?
>> YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU WEREN'T
THERE FOR THAT ONE.
BUT COLIN, I COULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN THROUGH QUARANTINE
WITHOUT RELAXING MUSIC.
MY FAVORITE IS SIA BECAUSE SHE
ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S BUNDLED
UP IN BED.
♪ PARTY GIRLS
DON'T GET HURT
CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING
WHEN WILL I LEARN ♪
♪ I PUSH IT DOWN
I PUSH IT DOWN ♪
>> COME ON, SIA, START THE DAY.
>> MELISSA VILLASENOR, EVERYONE.
>> I WANT TO TICKLE MY FRIENDS
AGAIN.
>> "NEW YORKER" REPORTER JEFFREY
TOOBIN HAS BEEN SUSPENDED AFTER
TOOBIN HAS BEEN SUSPENDED AFTER
GETTING CAUGHT MASTURBATING ON A
ZOOM CALL.
AND HE'S FROM THE "NEW YORKER"
SO YOU KNOW THAT JERK WAS DRY AS
HELL.
WHATEVER, MAN.
I STAND BY IT.
>> YEAH.
SENATOR MAJORITY LEADER MITCH
McCONNELL, SEEN HERE AFTER
PHYSICALLY FIGHTING WITH
DEATH -- DID NOT ANSWER
QUESTIONS ABOUT BRUISES AND
BANDAGES SEEN ON HIS FACE AND
HANDS, SAYING THERE WERE NO
CONCERNS.
BY THE WAY, NO CONCERNS IS ALSO
WHAT McCONNELL WHISPERS WHEN HE
SEES A BABY STROLLER ROLLING
DOWNHILL INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
>> POPEYE'S CHICKEN ANNOUNCED
THAT THEY'RE BRINGING BACK CAJUN
STYLE TURKEYS FOR THANKSGIVING.
IT'S A RARE PIECE OF GOOD NEWS
FOR PEOPLE WHO SPEND
THANKSGIVING AT POPEYE'S.
>>> NASA HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO
PUT A FULL 4G CELL PHONE NETWORK
ON THE MOON.
WHILE AT&T HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS
TO PUT ALMOST TWO BARS ON YOUR
EARTH PHONE.
>>> MATTEL ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR
AN ELTON JOHN THEMED BARBIE
DOLL.
FINALLY, SAID KEN.
>> THE EX-WIFE OF SINGER PHIL
COLLINS HAS ALLEGEDLY OCCUPIED
THEIR MIAMI MANSION AND HIRED
ARMED GUARDS TO PROTECT IT.
IN THE MEANTIME COLLINS IS
STAYING AT A NEARBY
STU-STU-STUDIO APARTMENT.
>> RESIDENTS IN ROME ARE UPSET
AFTER A WILD BOAR AND HER SIX
PIGLETS WERE KILLED ON A
PLAYGROUND NEAR THE VATICAN.
BUT IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, NOTHING
GOOD EVER HAPPENS ON A
PLAYGROUND NEAR THE VATICAN.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> GERMAN RESEARCHERS RECORDED
THE SHORTEST.
>> RAPPER NELLY WILL BE APPEARS
ON A NEW LINE OF BUDWEISER CANS,
RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE WORD
MISSING.
MISSING.
>> IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE
TRUMP RALLIES YOU PROBABLY
NOTICED TRUMP DANCING TO THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE.
IF YOU HAVEN'T, LET'S TAKE A
LOOK.
♪ YOUNG MAN
THERE'S NO NEED TO
FEEL DOWN ♪
>> IT'S GREAT.
HERE WITH A MESSAGE RESPONDING
TO DONALD TRUMP ARE THE VILLAGE
PEOPLE.
♪ STOP IT ♪
♪ YEAH I'M TALKING TO YOU ♪
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT.
>> WHAT?
I MEAN, WHY?
IT'S JUST MUSIC, MAN.
WE'RE JUST SINGING.
>> NO, BECAUSE THAT'S A REALLY
SERIOUS ALLEGATION.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ FOR TRUMP?
>> HE FLIPPED.
DO YOU GUYS ALL FEEL THE SAME
WAY ABOUT TRUMP?
YOU'RE ALL FROM DIFFERENT WALKS
OF LIFE, RIGHT?
>> IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED.
YOU SEE --
♪ THE SOLDIER SAID THAT
WAIT, YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE GOING
SHAVE IVANKA'S HEAD?
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT.
THAT'S GOT TO BE, LIKE A FELONY.
>> HEY, MAN, EVERYTHING IS LEGAL
IF YOU SING IT IN A SONG.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
VILLAGE PEOPLE, EVERYONE.
>> I LIKE IT.
>> GOODNIGHT!!!!
>>> I'M SO GLAD WE COULD ALL GET
TOGETHER TO VISIT GRANDMA.
>> SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK?
CAN WE GO INSIDE THE NURSING
HOME?
>> NO, THERE'S QUARANTINED,
BUT WE CAN STAND IN THE
COURTYARD AND SHOUT UP TO HER
BALCONY.
>> YEAH, LIKE ROMEO AND JULY
YET, EXCEPT OLD.
>> HERE SHE COMES.
>> BLANCH, PEOPLE ARE HERE TO
SEE YOU.
>> RIGHT.
>> GRANDMA, DOWN HERE.
>> HI, GRANDMA!
>> WHAT?
>> LOOK DOWN, GRANDMA.
>> OH!
GRANDCHILDREN!
>> HI, GRANDMA.
YOO-HOO!
>> OH, BABY.
ARE YOU COLD?
>> NO, I'M WEARING THAT SCARF
YOU KNIT ME.
>> YOU DID WHAT?
>> I'M WEARING THE SCARF YOU
MADE ME, SEE?
>> YOU SAID MY SCARF?
>> NO, YOU MADE ME A SCARF FOR
MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M WEARING IT.
>> THAT'S AMAZING.
WHO IS THAT MAN?
>> THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND, KEVIN.
YOU REMEMBER KEVIN.
>> ARIZONA.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, I'M FROM
ARIZONA.
>> OKAY.
SO WHAT'S DOING WITH WORK?
>> OH, CRAZY BUSY.
PEOPLE ALWAYS NEED DOGS.
THAT'S WHAT WE SELL.
>> NOT YOU, THE BOYFRIEND.
>> ME?
OH.
UM, DIDN'T EXPECT THAT.
ACTUALLY I'M IN A BIT OF AN
INTERESTING STATE RIGHT NOW.
MY CONTRACT ENDED APRIL AND NOW
I'M HELPING MY BUDDY WITH HIS
STARTUP WHICH JUST GOT AN ANGEL
INVESTOR.
SUPER EXCITING.
JUST TAKING A WHILE TO COME
THROUGH.
>> WHAT?
>> OH, I WAS SAYING MY LAST JOB
ENDED AND RIGHT NOW I'M SORT OF
IN A HOLDING PATTERN HELPING A
FRIEND GET HIS BUSINESS OFF THE
GROUND, BUT IT'S A WAITING GAME.
>> WHAT?
>> HE SAID HE'S IN A HOLDING
PATTERN.
JUST SLOWER BECAUSE OF COVID.
>> YEAH, MOSTLY JUST PUTTING OUT
FEELERS FOR DIFFERENT GIGS.
>> YOU'RE WHAT?
>> I'M UNEMPLOYED.
I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> I WANT ONE, AND I DON'T HAVE
ONE.
I'M TRYING TO GET ONE, BUT NO
ONE WILL LET ME HAVE ONE.
I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> BUT I DO HAVE A JOB, AND HE
DOES NOT, AND THAT BOTHERS BOTH
OF US.
SO MUCH.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE SHE MAKES,
I HAVE TO TAKE SOME OF IT,
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> BLANCH, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW
THEM THE BRACELET YOU MADE
TODAY.
>> OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
>> GRANDMA, YOU'LL LIKE THIS.
I BOUGHT A RECORD PLAYER.
>> OKAY, SHOT DOWN.
>> ONE OF YOU HAS A MUSCULAR
HUSBAND, DEVIN.
WHERE'S HANDSOME DEVIN?
>> THAT'S ME.
GRANDMA, DEVIN AND I WENT
THROUGH A LOT WITH QUARANTINE,
AND WE REALIZE THAT -- WELL,
THERE'S A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT
WHO SAYS THAT FRENCH PEOPLE
DON'T ASK THEIR PARTNER TO BE
THEIR LOVER AND THEIR BEST
FRIEND, YOU KNOW?
>> WHAT?
>> I WAS SAYING THE PRESSURE OF
BEING AROUND EACH OTHER WITHOUT
ANY DISTRACTIONS, WE REALIZED
WE AREN'T GOOD AT BEING MARRIED
TO EACH OTHER.
>> WHAT?
>> HE SAID HE WANTED TO BE OPEN.
>> OPEN WHAT?
>> HE DUMPED MY ASS, GRANDMA!
WE HAD A THREE-WAY AND HE LIKED
HER BETTER.
>> OKAY.
>> YEAH.
HE OPENED THE RELATIONSHIP TO
HER AND CLOSED IT TO ME.
THEY NOW LIVE TOGETHER IN MY
HOUSE.
>> OKAY.
>> YEAH.
I STILL LIVE IN THE HOUSE
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I'M AT
RIGHT NOW.
>> OKAY.
>> DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE
MEANS, BLANCH, THAT SHE HAD A
MAN AND NOW HE'S GONE NOW?
>> YEAH.
AND THE OTHER MAN?
>> ME?
I'M STILL UNEMPLOYED.
>> YEAH, WHEN I WAKE UP I GO TO
WORK, AND WHEN HE WAKES UP, HE
STAYS IN THE BED.
>> I AM LIKE A PET.
I DO NOT HAVE MONEY.
>> I'M DATING A MAN WITH NO JOB.
>> OKAY.
>> MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR DINNER.
>> WAIT, GRANDMA, YOU SAID
YOU REVISED YOUR WILL AND WANTED
TO READ IT TO US, RIGHT?
>> RIGHT.
OKEYDOKEY.
HERE WE GO.
MY DEAREST GRANDCHILDREN,
AS YOU KNOW I HAVE LIVED A LONG
INTERESTING LIFE, FULL OF
TRAVEL, CELEBRATIONS,
CASINOS AND SHOPPING SPREES.
>> WHAT?
>> WHILE SOME SAY YOU NEED TO
PUT AWAY FOR A RAINY DAY --
>> WHAT?
>> I ALWAYS BELIEVED LIFE IS A
LEMON THAT NEEDS TO BE SQUEEZED.
>> THERE'S NO INHERITANCE, IS
THERE?
>> NOPE, SPENT IT.
BROKE.
>> THANKS, GRANDMA.
>>> THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE
FROM THE TOURISM BOARD OF
AFRICA.
>> SUN, RAYS, OCEAN, MOUNTAINS,
AND BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL AFRICA.
>> WITNESS THE WONDER, THE
ESCAPE, THE STORY.
>> THE SANDY BEACHES, THE
MASSIVE BAMBOO.
>> THE WILDLIFE.
THE CULTURE.
>> THE FOOD.
THE NIGHT LIFE.
>> TRIBESMEN.
>> THE HISTORY AND LUSH DANGLY
FOLIAGE.
>> TRIBESMEN.
>> LEAVE ORDINARY BEHIND.
>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I YEARNED
FOR A NEW BEGINNING.
>> AND WHERE BETTER TO START
ANEW THAN THE CRYSTAL WATERS AND
SANDY BEACHES OF AFRICA.
>> THE HUMPBACK WHALES, THE
TALL, TALL TRIBESMEN.
THE BAMBOO.
>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I TOOK IN
THE BREATHTAKING VIEWS AND
DELICIOUS CUISINE OF AFRICA.
>> WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
SET SAIL FOR AFRICA.
>> ALL OF AFRICA.
>> ZIMBABWE, KENYA.
>> GHANA, TANZANIA.
>> TRIBESMEN.
>> THE SKY, THE COCONUT WATER.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THAT
COCONUT WATER.
>> LAST NIGHT, I SAW THE FACE OF
GOD.
>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I MOVED
TO MOMBASA AND WAS TAKEN IN MY
THE MASAI TRIBE WHERE I WAS
ORDAINED AS A MINISTER OF JOY.
>> ME TOO.
>> ME THREE.
HI, I'M JOANN.
>> THAT'S OUR NAME TOO.
>> RIGHT ON.
>> I FIRST MOVED TO THE
BEAUTIFUL AFRICA AFTER MY
DIVORCE.
I MET A WONDERFUL FRIEND ON THE
COMPUTER, AND HE INVITED ME TO
THE LOVELY OCEAN WATERS OF
GAMBIA.
>> AH, GAMBIA.
SO MUCH BAMBOO.
>> BEAUCOUP BAMBOO.
>> ONCE I GOT HERE, I KNEW I HAD
TO EXPLORE THE REST OF THE
MAGICAL LANDS OF AFRICA.
>> JUNGLES, MOUNTAINS, THE
RANGES.
>> THE RIVER, THE DRUMS, THE
POUNDING.
>> THE FANNING YOURSELF WITH A
PALM BETWEEN ROUNDS.
>> I FOUND SUCH A DEEP, DEEP
CONNECTION HERE.
>> YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR
STOMACH.
>>TELL YOUR TRAVEL AGENT YOU
WANT TO SEE AFRICA.
ALL OF IT.
>> FROM ANGOLA TO JAMAICA.
>> NOT EGYPT.
>> YES, VERY DRY THERE.
NO BAMBOO.
>> SO, LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME.
>>LEAVE EVERYTHING AT HOME.
BRING NO ONE.
>> EXCEPT YOURSELF AND SOME
MONEY AND SOME MEN'S SNEAKERS.
>> AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY YOU'RE
GOING.
>> TO BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL
AFRICA.
>> AFRICA.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THAT
COCONUT WATER.
>> THE NUMBER ONE DESTINATION
FOR DIVORCEES OF A CERTAIN AGE.
AFRICA.
WE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR
YOU.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, THE DIVINE
H.E.R.
♪♪♪
♪ ONLY IF THE BOY'S BEEN
HOLDIN' ON ME
♪ I CAN'T WAIT TOO LONG
I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ♪
♪ HIS HARD'S DEEP ♪
♪ I WANT TO BE FREE ♪
♪ HOW DO YOU GET SO COMFORTABLE
THEN LEAVE? ♪
♪ SAY SOMETHING, BABY-SOMETHING
BABY ♪
♪ RUNNING TO YOU
RUNNING FROM ME ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ON
DON'T WANT TO BE SO
DEPENDENT ON YOU ♪
♪ DEPENDENT ON ME
DON'T WANT TO BE
SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU
I END UP HURTING ME ♪
♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD ON TO YOU
I'LL NEVER WANT TO LEAVE ♪
♪ DON'T LET ME, DON'T SET ME
FREE ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ DON'T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED ♪
♪ NO ♪
♪ EVERY TIME I'M WEAK GETTING
LONG ♪
♪ DEEP IN MY BONES I KNOW ♪
♪ HOW DO YOU GET SOMEWHERE
COMFORTABLE AND LEAVE? ♪
♪ SAY SOMETHING, BABY-SOMETHING
TO ME ♪
♪ RUNNING TO YOU, RUNNING FROM
ME ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ON ♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO BE SO DEPENDENT
ON YOU, DEPENDENT ON ME ♪
♪ SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL ONLY HURT ME ♪
♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE,
YEAH ♪
♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL ONLY HURT ME, BABY ♪
♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD TON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE, YEAH ♪
♪ BABY YEAH ♪
♪ OH, I, KNOW I IF I HOLD ON TO
YOU I'M ONLY HURTING, YEAH ♪
♪ AS LONG AS I HOLD ON TO
YOU-I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE ♪♪♪
♪♪♪
>>> DANG, CHARLISE YOU LOOK
AMAZING IN THOSE JEANS,
AND YOU SMELL GREAT, TOO.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
>> WHY, THEY'RE MY ASS ANGEL
PERFUME JEANS OF COURSE.
>> PERFUME JEANS?
OOH, GORGEOUS.
CAN I GET A PAIR?
>> SWEET SMELLING BOOTY.
THESE JEANS ARE FROM HEAVEN
ABOVE.
♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN ANGEL
AND NOW SHE SMELLS LIKE ONE
TOO ♪
♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN ANGEL
YOU CAN SMELL THAT IT'S TRUE ♪
>> ASS ANGEL JEANS ARE THE ONLY
JEANS THAT COVER YOUR SECRET
LADY SCENTS.
DON'T WORRY, GIRL.
ALL I CAN SMELL IS CINNAMON
SUGAR SWIRL.
>> HE KNOWS THE BOOTY LOOK LIKE
CAKE, BUT NOW IT SMELLS LIKE ONE
TOO.
>> BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND TAKE
A BITE.
♪ PERFUMED AROMA AND I'M
TALKING BACK DOOR ♪
♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN
ANGEL ♪
♪ WANT TO SMELL IT SOME MORE ♪
>> ASS ANGEL PERFUME JEANS ARE
ALSO MADE OF LAVENDER, ROSE,
AND LOADS OF AWESOME INDUSTRIAL
CHEMICALS.
>> THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF SMELL.
I GOT TO SIT DOWN.
>> OH, NO, NOT ON THE FURNITURE.
>> OH, WOW, MY BUTT -- THE SEAT.
>> THAT'S THE MAGIC OF THE
JEANS, OF COURSE.
>>HEY, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM
EARLIER AND IT STUNG WHEN I
TINKLED.
IS THAT THE JEANS?
>> UH-HUH.
DO NOT WEAR THESE JEANS IF YOU
HAVE KIDNEY OR LIVER PROBLEMS.
>> SMELLING GOOD, LADIES.
WOW.
THAT ASS IS HOT.
>> AND SO MY FRONT.
>> NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TO GO SING.
♪ DO THEY WEAR JEANS
IN HEAVEN? ♪
♪ THAT ASS OF MY PRAYERS ♪
>> ASS ANGEL JEANS.
CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE
PURCHASING.
>>> THANK YOU TO H.E.R., ALEC
BALDWIN, JIM CARREY.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
I HAD TO TIME OF MY LIFE.
DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!
♪♪♪
>>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M KRISTEN WELKER, AND IT IS
THE HONOR OF A LIFETIME TO
MODERATE THE SECOND AND, PRAISE
JESUS, FINAL PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE.
TONIGHT WE HAVE A MUTE BUTTON
BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER THAT OR
TRANQUILIZER DARTS, AND THE
PRESIDENT HAS A VERY HIGH
TOLERANCE FOR THOSE AFTER HIS
COVID TREATMENT.
SO, PLEASE WELCOME PRESIDENT
DONALD TRUMP AND FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
♪♪♪
GOOD EVENING GENTLEMAN, AND
WELCOME TO THE DEBATE.
ARE WE READY TO BEGIN?
>> YES, BUT FIRST, HOW DOES THIS
MUTE BUTTON WORK?
DO I JUST HAUL OFF AND SLAP HIM
IN THE MOUTH?
>> NO, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WE'LL
TAKE CARE OF THAT ON OUR OWN.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE I THINK EVERYBODY WOULD
LOVE TO SEE ME DO IT.
>> OKAY, REALLY?
THINK YOU'RE SOME TOUGH GUY
BECAUSE OF ALL THAT MONEY FROM
CHINA?
>> AH AH AH.
I'LL PUSH IT.
IT'S NOT CONNECTED TO ANYTHING,
BUT I'LL PUSH IT.
OUR FIRST QUESTION ON THE
CORONAVIRUS IS FOR PRESIDENT
TRUMP.
MORE THAN 40,000 AMERICANS ARE
IN THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT WITH
COVID.
HOW WOULD YOU LEAD THE COUNTRY
DURING THE NEXT STAGE OF THIS
CRISIS?
>> WHAT A NICE QUESTION.
THANK YOU, HODA.
CAN I JUST SAY, YOU'RE REALLY
DOING A GREAT JOB.
>> IT'S CREEPIER WHEN YOU'RE
NICE, BUT THANK YOU.
>> NO REALLY, YOU'RE TAKING VERY
GOOD CARE OF US TONIGHT.
NOW COULD YOU JUST TELL US THE
SPECIALS, PLEASE.
>> MR. TRUMP, I'M THE MODERATOR.
I'M NOT YOUR WAITRESS.
>> OKAY.
JUST SOME WATERS, PLEASE.
CORONAVIRUS, SO BORING, RIGHT?
BUT WE'RE DOING TERRIFIC.
WE'RE ROUNDING THE CORNER.
IN FACT WE'VE ROUNDED SO MANY
CORNERS WE'VE GONE ALL THE WAY
AROUND THE BLOCK AND WE'RE BACK
WHERE WE START IN MARCH.
>> COME ON, MAN, WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF A THIRD WAVE.
WHERE I COME FROM IF A GIRL GAVE
YOU A THIRD WAVE, YOU WERE
PRACTICALLY MARRIED.
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME
IT IS.
IT'S HALF PAST COME ON, MAN.
>> NO, IT'S NOT A WAVE.
IT'S NOT A WAVE.
A WAVE GOES LIKE THIS.
AND THIS IS GOING LIKE THIS.
SURE, THERE'S BEEN A TINY
CORONAVIRUS SPIKE IN FLORIDA AND
A TEENSY SPIKE IN ARIZONA.
AND A TUNESY WUNSEY ONE IN NORTH
DAKOTA.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,
BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER DAKOTA
SOMEWHERE.
>> JUST BREATHE, JOE.
IF YOU DON'T BREATHE, YOU'LL
DIE.
>>IN JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS, IF
YOU VOTE FOR ME, THE VACCINE
WILL BE HERE AND WILL BE
DISTRIBUTED BY THE MILITARY.
>> I'M SORRY.
YOU SAID THE MILITARY WILL
DISTRIBUTE THE VACCINE?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THE ARMY WILL
COME AND SHOOT IT WITH A CANNON
INTO YOUR FACE.
LOOK, I HAD IT.
IT WAS VERY MEAN TO ME, BUT I
BEAT IT AND NOW DOCTORS SAY I
CAN NEVER DIE.
AND THE VIRUS SAID TO ME, SIR,
I HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BODY NOW.
AND THE VIRUS WAS CRYING.
VERY SAD.
DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE MY BODY.
THE POINT IS, WE'RE ALL LEARNING
TO DEAL WITH IT.
>> LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT?
WE'RE LEARNING TO DIE WITH IT,
MAN!
♪♪♪
>> LOOKS LIKE MR. BIDEN IS SO
MAD HE'S EASTWOODING IT A LITTLE
BIT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW I BELIEVE THE LITTLE LADY
ASKED YOU ABOUT A PLAN.
WHY DON'T YOU ENLIGHTEN US,
PUNK?
>> I HAVE A PLAN.
IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLAN
YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
>> YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN
FOR ME.
FIRST I'M CREEPY.
THEN I'M SLEEPY.
YOU SAY I HAVE DEMENTIA.
THEN YOU SAY I'M A CRIMINAL
MASTER MIND.
WHICH ONE IS IT KIMO SABE.
>> I CAN'T SHOW YOU BECAUSE IT'S
BEING AUDITED ALONG WITH MY
TAXES,
WHICH I PREPAID JUST LIKE A DRUG
DEALER'S PHONE.
I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY,
EVEN THOUGH IT CAME FROM CHINA
ON A PLANE PILOTED BY NANCY
PELOSI FULL OF MEXICANS.
SHOT DOWN ON HER WAY TO PEDO
ISLAND.
>> COME ON, AMERICA.
I HATE THE CURSE IN FRONT OF A
WOMAN, BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF
MALARKY.
>> THAT'S OUR FIRST MALARKY.
IF YOU'RE PLAYING BIDEN BINGO AT
HOME, TAKE A SHOT.
MR. PRESIDENT.
>> THANK YOU, PADMA.
LOOK, PEOPLE LOVE HOW I'VE
HANDLED THE WU TANG VIRUS.
IF HE WAS IN CHARGE WE'D ALL BE
IN OUR BASEMENTS AND THAT'S
WHERE THE HAUNTED ANNABELLE DOLL
LIVES.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING
THAT'S A VERY SCARY DOLL.
SHE'S SO SCARY.
SOME ARE SAYING THAT'S THE MOST
SCARY DOLL.
AND THAT'S NOT COWARDLY.
THAT'S JUST SMART, OKAY?
WE CAN'T SPEND ALL DAY IN THE
BASEMENT.
WE'RE NOT ALL RICH LIKE JOE,
WITH ALL THE MONEY YOU GOT FROM
CHINA.
>> LOOK AT ME.
DO I LOOK REMOTELY RICH?
IF I HAVE MONEY, WHERE AM I
SPENDING IT?
I LIVE IN DELAWARE.
A NIGHT OUT IS $28.
COME ON!
I BOUGHT THIS SUIT ON A TRAIN.
COME ON!
IF I HAD $3 MILLION EXTRA WOULD
I BE TAKING THE TRAIN TO WORK?
NO!
I'D BE PULLING UP TO THE CAPITAL
DOME WITH A CANDY RED TRANS-AM
AND KENNY LOGGINS PLAYING IN THE
BACK.
NOT A RECORDING, THE REAL
KENNY LOGGINS.
CAN I GET A COME ON?
>> COME ON!
THAT IS FUN.
NOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP YOU SAID A
VACCINE WOULD BE COMING WITHIN
WEEKS.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> ANYTHING CAN BE WEEKS, OKAY?
A MONTH IS FIVE WEEKS.
BUT A YEAR IS 36 OR SOMETHING.
BUT I GUARANTEE THE VACCINE IS
COMING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TWO AND
700 WEEKS.
OKAY?
UNTIL THEN, WE HAVE TO WEAR THE
STUPID MASKS AND THE LITTLE
GOGGLES.
AND WE'RE MAKING SO MANY
VENTILATORS.
I DON'T WANT TO GET EVERYBODY
EXCITED, BUT IF I GET ELECTED I
PROMISE EVERYONE IN AMERICA WILL
BE ON A BIG BEAUTIFUL
VENTILATOR.
>> GREAT.
THAT SEGUES TO HEALTHCARE IN A
SCARY WAY.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHAT IS
YOUR PLAN IF OBAMACARE IS STRUCK
DOWN?
>> I HAVE A PLAN.
IT'S CALLED BIDEN CARE.
IT'S LIKE OBAMACARE BUT BIDEN.
IT MAY NOT TALK AS SMOOTH, IT
MAY NEED A LITTLE BIT MORE
SUNSCREEN THAN THE PREVIOUS
MELANIN RICH PLAN, BUT DAMN IT,
IT'S GOT HEART AND IT WORKS!
>> MY PLAN IS PERFECT.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL
PLAN.
>> SHOW US THE PLAN.
>> THIS PLAN IS AN L.A. 10.
LARGE NATURALS, HIGH BOOTY, BAD
ATTITUDE, BUT SHE CUTE.
>> NOT A PLAN.
NOT A PLAN.
THAT'S A PLANLESS MAN.
>> EXCUSE ME, I'D LOVE TO SHOW
YOU THE PLAN, BUT I CAN'T,
BECAUSE IT'S UNDER AUDIT LIKE MY
TAXES.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME YOU CAN
TALK TO MY LAWYER, RUDY
GIULIANI.
>> WHAT, HUH?
NO, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE.
MY MICROPHONE WAS STUCK.
ON MY BALLS.
IS THIS ANOTHER BORAT?
YOU GOT TELL ME IF IT'S A BORAT.
>> YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, BIDEN,
BECAUSE RUDY'S GOT A LOT OF SANE
AND COHERENT INFORMATION THAT
LOOKS REALLY BAD FOR YOU JOE.
>> TELL HIM, RUDY.
>> GET READY FOR THIS TRUTH
BOMB.
YOUR SON HUNTER GOT $3 MILLION
FROM MOSCOW, AND HIS FRIEND
TONY -- HAS EMAILS
ON THE WET LAPTOP FROM HELL AND
OUR EYEWITNESS SAW EVERYTHING,
AND ALSO, HE'S BLIND, SO --
>> SEE?
EVEN HIS NASTY SON IS CORRUPT.
>> DON'T DO IT, JOE.
DON'T RETALIATE, EVEN THOUGH HIS
KIDS ARE A BUNCH OF
CHARITY-SCAMMERS.
>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO RESPOND?
>> NO.
>> VERY WELL.
I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO RACE.
>> THANK YOU, MINDY, I LOVE YOUR
PROJECT.
>> I'M THE LEAST RACIST PERSON
IN THIS ROOM.
I'VE DONE MORE FOR ANYBODY
EXCEPT LINCOLN.
BLACK PEOPLE LOVE HIS CARS.
I SEE THEM DRIVING THEM ALL THE
TIME.
SOMETIMES THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE
IN THE BACK, BUT NOT ALWAYS.
THANK YOU.
>> YOU THINK YOU'RE LINCOLN?
BECAUSE HIS NICKNAME HAS THE
WORD HONEST IN IT.
>> AND MUTE.
THAT IS ABOUT AS WELL AS THE
RACE SECTION COULD HAVE GONE.
I SAVED 60 SECONDS FOR THE
CLIMATE.
MR. VICE PRESIDENT?
>> SINCE WE'RE HERE AND ALMOST
OUT OF TIME, OIL NO, WIND YES,
FRACKING, DEPENDS WHAT STATE I'M
IN.
>> THIS GUY AND HIS WIND.
HE LOVES WIND.
LOOK, I KNOW MORE ABOUT WIND
THAN ANYONE.
WIND KILLS ALL THE BIRDS.
CHOPS THEM RIGHT UP.
LIKE A MAGIC BULLET.
IT TURNS THEM INTO BIRD
SOMETIMES IT GETS REAL FAST INTO
A TWISTER AND THROWS A COW RIGHT
ON TOP OF HELEN HUNT.
>> WOW, OKAY.
THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT FOR
SHARING YOUR POEM ABOUT WIND.
AT THIS POINT WE'VE COME TO OUR
FINAL QUESTION, AND IT'S FOR
BOTH OF YOU.
I WANT TO YOU IMAGINE YOUR
INAUGURATION DAY.
WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO AMERICANS
WHO DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU?
>> WELL, IF THEY DIDN'T VOTE FOR
ME I GUESS I'D SAY HOLA.
FOR THE REST I WOULD SAY, JUST
REMEMBER HOW GOOD THINGS USED TO
BE BACK BEFORE THE CHINA PLAGUE.
WE HAD THE LOWEST UNEMPLOYMENT
NUMBERS IN ALL CATEGORIES.
BLACKS, ASIANS, LATINXS,
BRUNETTES, MILFS, LGBTQ ANON.
IN CONCLUSION, NEW YORK IS A
GHOST TOWN.
KIDS LOVE CAGES AND JOE BIDEN IS
FROM KENYA, THANK YOU.
>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOUR
TURN.
>> LOOK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHO HE IS AND YOU KNOW
WHO I AM.
I'M GOOD OLD JOE.
I'M RELIABLE AS A ROCK.
I'VE GOT A FIVE-STAR SAFETY
RATING AND I'M RANKED BEST
MIDSIZE IN MY CLASS BY J.D.
POWER AND ASSOCIATES.
I DON'T HAVE A GOLDEN TOILET
SEAT.
I HAVE A SOFT, SPONGY ONE
THAT HISSES WHENEVER I PARK MY
KEISTER.
I TAKE TRAINS AND I DON'T SEE
ANY TRAINS IN SIGHT.
THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS
MALARKY.
>> WITH THAT MALARKY, THAT'S
BINGO AND I AM DRUNK.
GOOD LUCK, AMERICA.
AND WITH THAT, LIVE FROM NEW
YORK.
>> IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
♪♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"!
WITH--
MUSICAL GUEST --
H.E.R.
AND YOUR HOST --
ADELE.
♪♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
ADELE.
♪♪♪
>>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
IT'S ME, AND MY GOD, I'M
ABSOLUTELY THRILLED TO FINALLY
BE HOSTING THIS SHOW.
A SHOW THAT NOT ONLY DO I
GENUINELY LOVE, BUT THE SHOW
THAT BROKE MY CAREER HERE IN
AMERICA 12 VERY LONG YEARS AGO.
SEE, I WAS A MUSICAL GUEST BACK
IN 2008 WHEN SARAH PALIN CAME ON
WITH MS. TINA FEY.
SO OBVIOUSLY A FEW MILLION
PEOPLE TUNED IN TO WATCH IT AND
THE REST IS HISTORY.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
AMERICAN POLITICS.
I'M BRITISH, YOU KNOW?
AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING
TOO POLITICAL, SO I'LL JUST SAY
THIS SARAH PAIL LISTEN, THANKS.
I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF CHAT
ABOUT ME BEING THE HOST.
WHY IS SHE NOT THE MUSICAL
GUEST.
I'M TOO SCARED TO DO BOTH.
I'D RATHER PUT ON WIGS --S THIS
ALL MINE, BY THE WAY, HAVE A
GLASS OF WINE OR SIX AND SEE
WHAT HAPPENS.
I KNOW I LOOK DIFFERENT THAN
WHEN YOU LAST SAW ME, BUT
BECAUSE OF THE COVID
RESTRICTIONS I HAD TO TRAVEL
LIGHT AND BRING ONLY HALF WITH
ME, SO THIS IS THE HALF I CHOSE.
I'M NERVOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LIKE.
I ALWAYS GET VERY NERVOUS ON
LIVE TV BUT TONIGHT ESPECIALLY
SO BECAUSE I SWEAR A LOT.
LIKE A LOT A LOT.
LAST TIME I WAS PLAYING GLASS
TON BURY AND THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENED.
>> THIS IS THE BEST [ BLEEP ]
MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
IF ANY OF YOU
[ BLEEP ]-[ BLEEP ]
[ BLEEP ].
>> HONESTLY I DON'T NOTICE I'M
DOING IT ANYMORE.
BUT TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A SWEAR
JAR.
LET'S CHECK IN ON THAT.
KEENAN, WHERE WE AT?
>> UH, GETTING PRETTY FULL,
ADELE.
THIS IS JUST FROM WHEN YOU SAID
HI TO ME BACKSTAGE.
>> OH, WOW.
SORRY.
LET'S MAKE SURE THAT ALL GOES TO
CHARITY.
>> OH, DAMN.
WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT ADELE?
>> BEFORE WE REALLY START TO
SHOW, I WANT TO SAY A GENUINE
AND SINCERE THANK YOU TO THE
FRONT LINE WORKERS WHO ARE DOWN
HERE IN THE AUDIENCE.
THEY SAY THAT ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN
TO NEW YORK YOU KEEP PIECE OF IT
IN OUR HEART FOREVER.
SO I GIVE IT UP TO YOU AND YOU
GIVE IT UP TO YOURSELVES AS
WELL.
RIGHT, WHETHER YOU'RE HERE IN
THE STUDIO OR WATCHING AT HOME,
WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOR
AN HOUR AND A HALF, SO
I REALLY HOPE YOU GET AS MUCH
JOY OUT OF THIS AS WE GOT
PUTTING IT TOGETHER FOR YOU.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW.
H.E.R. IS HERE
SO STICK AROUND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK
>>> OH, MY GOD, THIS PLACE IS SO
COOL.
>> I KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
GET A PSYCHIC READING.
>> OH, MY GOD, IS ANYONE HERE?
I REALLY WANT TO GET ONE.
>> YOU WANT TO SEE THE FUTURE?
SIT, AND I WILL TELL YOU WHAT
LIES AHEAD.
FOR MADAME VIVELDA KNOWS ALL.
>> OH, YES.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> YEAH, THIS YEAR HAS BEEN SO
INSANE AND HARD.
WE KIND OF WANT TO SKIP AHEAD
AND JUST SEE WHAT NEXT YEAR
HOLDS INSTEAD.
>> YEAH, 2019 HAS SUCKED!
BUT I THINK 2020 IS GOING TO BE
OUR YEAR.
>> TOTALLY.
>> OH, YES.
OKAY, WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?
>> I'LL GO.
MADAME VIVELDA, THINGS ARE
GETTING KIND OF SERIOUS WITH MY
BOYFRIEND, AND I'M CURIOUS IF
YOU SEE US MOVING IN TOGETHER
NEXT YEAR.
>> HMM, OKAY.
LET ME SEE.
LET ME LOOK.
OKAY.
YES, YES.
YES I SEE YOU.
YOU ARE IN YOUR HOME.
AND YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THERE.
YES, YOU ARE IN THE HOME YOU
SHARE TOGETHER.
YES, I SEE HIM, HE'S WASHING A
BAG OF DORITOS WITH SOAP.
AND YOU ARE SCREAMING AT HIM.
YOU ARE CRYING.
YOU ARE SCREAMING, THAT'S NOT
ENOUGH SOAP.
YOU NEED TO USE MORE SOAP.
I DON'T WANT TO GET IT FROM A
BAG OF CHIPS.
>> WHAT?
GET WHAT FROM CHIPS?
>> THE VISION IS GONE.
WHO WANTS TO GO NEXT?
KNOW WHY I'M WASHING CHIPS NEXT
YEAR.
>> MADAME VIVELDA, I'LL GO.
I'M UP FOR A BIG PROMOTION IN
MARCH AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU
SEE ANYTHING WORK RELATED FOR ME
NEXT YEAR.
>> OKAY.
NO, I DON'T SEE WORK.
I SEE YOU ON THE PHONE WITH A
MAN FROM FEDEX.
AND YOU ARE CRYING.
YOU ARE SAYING, WHERE IS MY
ADULT COLORING BOOK?
I NEED MY ADULT COLORING BOOK.
>> WAIT, ANNIE, DO YOU COLOR?
>> NO, OF COURSE I DON'T COLOR.
>> IT'S OKAY IF YOU DO.
>> I DON'T COLOR!
HER PSYCHIC VISION MUST BE OFF.
THIS ISN'T LIKE ME.
I WANT TO GO TO MUSEUMS AND
CONCERTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> I DON'T SEE ANY CONCERTS IN
2020.
ONLY COLORING.
MONDAY, COLORING.
TUESDAY, COLORING.
ALL THE DAYS, COLORING.
HA HA HA!
OKAY, WHO'S NEXT?
>> UM, I GUESS ME, BUT I DON'T
KNOW IF I WANT TO GO ANYMORE.
>> NO, NO, YOU GIVE ME YOUR
PALM.
I SENSE A LOT OF FUN TRAVEL IN
YOUR FUTURE.
>> YOU DO?
OKAY, GOOD.
ACTUALLY, ME AND MY BOYFRIEND
ARE PLANNING TO FLY TO PARIS IN
MAY.
>> OH, THAT'S FUN.
BUT NO, I DON'T SEE
YOU FLYING TO PARIS.
I SEE YOU DRIVING TO KENTUCKY,
YES.
AND YOU ARE PEEING IN A BAG IN
THE CAR BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID
TO USE THE GAS STATION BATHROOM.
YOU PEE IN THE BAG AND THEN HE
PEES IN THE BAG, AND ON AND ON
UNTIL KENTUCKY!
>> WAIT, WHY DOES HE GO TO
KENTUCKY?
>> YEAH, WHAT DO WE DO IN
KENTUCKY?
>> OKAY, LET'S SEE.
YES, YES.
OKAY, ON THE FIRST DAY, YOU
NOTICE A SMALL RASH ON YOUR
FINGER, AND YOU SPEND THE DAY
CRYING AND GOOGLING, IS RASH AND
FINGER PART OF IT?
>> PART OF WHAT?
>> OH, MY GOSH.
ALL OF YOUR VISIONS MENTION US
CRYING.
DO WE ALL JUST CRY FOR 2020?
>> NO, NOT ALWAYS.
I CAN SEE YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
AND YOU ARE VERY HAPPY.
YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU ASK FOR.
>> I DO?
WHAT DO I ASK FOR?
>> STAMPS.
YOU ASK EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE TO
BUY STAMPS, AND THEY DO.
THEY ALL BUY THE STAMPS.
AND YOU SAY, TAKE THAT,
POSTMASTER GENERAL LOUIS DEJOY!
>> WHAT?
WHY DO I KNOW THE FULL NAME OF
THE POSTMASTER GENERAL IN 2020?
>> GIRLS, LISTEN, I KNOW A LOT
OF THIS SOUNDS SCARY, BUT AT
LEAST WE ALL HAVE EACH OTHER
IN 2020, RIGHT?
>> OH, NO, MY POOR SPENCER, NO.
NO YOU WON'T.
BECAUSE IN JUNE YOU WILL DO
SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE, YOUR
FRIENDS WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU
AGAIN.
>> OH, MY GOD, WHAT DO I DO?
>> YOU EAT INSIDE A RESTAURANT.
>> THAT'S IT?
>> HE JUST EATS IN A RESTAURANT,
AND WE CUT HIM OUT OF OUR LIVES
COMPLETELY?
>> EXACTLY.
>> OKAY, WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY
IT'S BAD, BUT I'M SO SORRY I DO
THAT, GIRLS.
>> NO, WE'RE SORRY.
>> NO, NO!
WHAT IS THIS?
I'M SEEING ONE FINAL VISION, AND
IT IS VERY DARK.
WHO HERE IS TIFFANY TUBEN?
>> I AM.
>> YES.
I AM SEEING YOUR FATHER,
TIFFANY.
AND HE IS ON A ZOOM, AND HIS
WEINER'S OUT ON THE ZOOM.
>> WHAT?
WHAT EVEN IS A ZOOM?
>> I DO NOT KNOW, BUT YOUR
FATHER IS DEFINITELY ON IT, AND
HIS WEINER IS DEFINITELY OUT.
AND IT'S NOT A GREAT WEINER,
TIFFANY.
NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S GETTING
HARDER.
IT'S ACTUALLY FINE.
>> OKAY, THIS IS TOO MUCH.
>> OKAY, BUT GIRLS, DO ME A
FAVOR.
IF ANY OF YOU SEE JK ROWELLING,
PLEASE TELL HER, STICK TO THE
BOOKS!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
>> HELLO?
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> CHAD.
>> WELCOME, CHAD.
WHY DON'T YOU STAY A WHILE?
>> OKAY.
>> GO TO THE LIGHT SO I MAY SEE
YOU BETTER.
>> OKAY.
>> HELLO, CHAD.
>> WHAT UP?
>> FORGIVE MY APPEARANCE.
YEARS AGO, I HAD A LITTLE
ACCIDENT.
>> OH, NO, YOUR NECK.
>> YES, I'M AFRAID IT'S QUITE
THE GASH.
>> GASH.
>> YOU'RE NOT AFRAID?
>> NO.
>> FOLLOW ME.
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW
YOU.
>> OKAY.
>> THEY ALL SAID THAT MY DEATH
WAS SUICIDE, THAT I SLIT MY OWN
THROAT.
>> OH, NO.
>> BUT IT WASN'T SUICIDE, CHAD.
IT WAS MURDER!
CHAD?
>> TAKING A PISS.
SAFETY.
>> AS I WAS SAYING, I WAS
MURDERED BY MY HUSBAND, AND THE
PROOF IS IN THERE.
>> OKAY.
>> AH, THE LIBRARY.
OH, HOW I LOVE TO READ.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE BOOK,
CHAD?
>> "WHERE'S WALDO," THE YELLOW
ONE.
>> I'M NOT FAMILIAR.
WHO'S THE AUTHOR?
>> WALDO.
>> THERE ON THE DESK YOU'LL FIND
A LETTER FROM MY HUSBAND.
READ IT.
THAT LETTER IS MORE DEAR TO ME
THAN YOU KNOW.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT CLEARLY
PROVES THAT MY HUSBAND MURDERED
ME FOR MY INHERITANCE.
AND WHEN THE PUBLIC READS IT,
THE TRUTH WILL BE KNOWN AND I
CAN FINALLY CROSS OVER TO THE
AFTERLIFE.
>> OKAY.
>>I SEE YOU'RE LOOKING AT MY
PORTRAIT.
TELL ME, CHAD, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
>> TIG OLD BITTIES.
>> I HAVE BEEN -- I SEE A WOMAN
TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE.
EVEN NOW I YEARN FOR THE TENDER
KISS OF TRUE LOVE.
OH, MY GOD.
CHAD, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> GOOD.
NOW GO AND MAKE MY TRUTH BE
KNOWN.
BUT BE WARNED, IF YOU FAIL ME,
I WILL BE MOST DISPLEASED.
>> OKAY.
>> AND, CHAD?
THANK YOU.
>> NO DOUBT.
>> OH, FOR [ BLEEP ] SAKE!
>> OKAY.
>>> TONIGHT ON ABC, IT'S A
SPECIAL BONUS SEASON OF
"THE BACHELOR," AND THIS TIME
HE'S 5'11" --
AND A HALF.
>> HEY THERE.
I'M BEN K.
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I
THREW A SHOPPING CART AT A GAY
KID'S HEAD, BUT NOW I'M HERE,
READY TO FIND LOVE.
AND THERE ARE SO MANY INCREDIBLE
GIRLS TO CHOOSE FROM.
>> HI, I'M HANNAH C.
I'M TWENTY AND I HAVE THE OLDEST
FACE FOR A YOUNG PERSON YOU'LL
EVER SEE.
>> HEY, I'M HANNAH ALEXIS C.
I'M 21, AND NEXT YEAR I'LL BE
22.
>> HI, I'M ADELE ADKINS.
I'M 32.
YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM BEING THE
SINGER, ADELE.
I'M HERE BECAUSE I'VE HAD A LOT
OF HEARTBREAK IN MY LIFE, FIRST
AT 19, AND THEN SORT OF FAMOUSLY
AT 21, AND THEN EVEN MORE
FAMOUSLY AT 25, BUT I HAVE A
REALLY GOOD FEELING ABOUT BEN K.
IT'S ONLY NIGHT ONE.
I CAN ALREADY TELL HE'S GOING TO
BE THE NEXT LOVE OF MY LIFE.
>> HEY, GIRLS.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS HAS
BEEN SUCH A GREAT NIGHT.
I REALLY ENJOYED LAUGHING WITH
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU,
EVEN THOUGH NONE OF US EVER SAID
A JOKE ONCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES!
>> AND THIS WAS A HARD DECISION,
BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE THE FIRST
IMPRESSION ROSE TO HANNAH C.
>> WAIT, WHAT?
YOU'RE GIVING TO IT HANNAH C.?
♪♪♪
♪ I HEARD THAT YOU'RE
SETTLED DOWN
THAT YOU ♪
>> ADELE?
♪ FOUND A GIRL
AND YOU'RE
MARRIED NOW ♪
>> ADELE?
♪ I HEARD THAT
YOUR DREAMS
CAME TRUE ♪
>> ADELE!
ADELE!
HEY, SORRY.
I AM NOT MARRIED TO HANNAH C.
IT WAS JUST THE ONE ROSE.
YOU'RE STILL IN THIS.
>> I AM?
>> YES, GIRL.
THERE'S LIKE 40 EPISODES LEFT.
SO I'D PACE YOURSELF
EMOTIONALLY.
WE'VE BEEN HERE 10 MINUTES AND
YOU'VE ALREADY SUNG THAT A FEW
TIMES.
>> OH, RIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SORRY.
>> YEAH, I'D SAY OUT OF ALL THE
GIRLS IN THE HOUSE SO FAR, I
PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST IN COMMON
WITH HANNAH C. AND THE LEAST IN
COMMON WITH POP SUPERSTAR ADELE,
BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE
THAT'S MOVING THE FASTEST,
MAINLY BECAUSE ADELE IS MAKING
IT DO THAT.
ADELE, YOU LOOK SO NICE TONIGHT.
>> THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK PRETTY AMAZING TOO.
IN FACT, I GUESS I'D SORT OF
SAY --
♪♪♪
>> OH, WE'RE SINGING AGAIN,
OKAY.
♪ YOU LOOK LIKE A MOVIE ♪
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
♪ YOU SOUND LIKE A SONG ♪
>> OKAY, THANK YOU.
♪ MY GOD THIS REMINDS ME
OF WHEN WE WERE YOUNG ♪
>> WE MET TODAY.
♪ LET ME PHOTOGRAPH YOU IN THIS
LIGHT ♪
>> ADELE!
ADELE!
ADELE.
CAN WE JUST TALK?
THIS IS REALLY MORE OF A TALKING
SHOW.
>> I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THAT.
>> YOU KNOW, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE
BEING ON "THE BACHELOR," BUT IT
HAS BEEN HARD TO GET ALONE TIME
WITH BEN WITH SO MANY OTHER
GIRLS IN THE HOUSE, INCLUDING
ADELE, ESPECIALLY ADELE.
THE PROBLEM IS ADELE.
>> IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY HAVE
SOME ALONE TIME WITH YOU.
>> I KNOW.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME A
LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
♪♪♪
>> OH, MY GOD.
♪ HELLO
IT'S ME ♪
♪ I WAS WONDERING IF AFTER ALL
THESE YEARS ♪
♪ YOU'D LIKE TO MEET ♪
>> OKAY, ADELE, NO, OKAY?
IT HAS NOT BEEN YEARS SINCE
YOU'VE SEEN BEN.
YOU'VE BEEN SINGING TO HIM ALL
NIGHT.
>> ALL RIGHT, OH MY GOD.
OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN A RIGHT PRICK YET
AGAIN.
I WILL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
>>THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.
>> YES, SO MUCH BETTER.
>> THOUGH I DO FEEL KIND OF
WEIRD THAT I YELLED AT THE
ACTUAL ADELE TO GO AWAY.
>> I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
>> WHY?
>> BECAUSE SHE'S BACK.
I CAN SEE HER BEHIND THE BUSHES.
♪ HELLO FROM INSIDE THIS BUSH ♪
>> OKAY, I'M GOING BACK TO THE
MANSION.
>> SO, I THINK NIGHT ONE'S BEEN
AN ABSOLUTE SMASH, BUT I'M
STARTING TO GET THE FEELING THAT
I MIGHT BE COMING ON A BIT
STRONG.
I THINK BEN K. SORT OF LIKES
THAT MORE LAID-BACK AMERICAN
VIBE, SO FOR THE REST OF THE
NIGHT I DECIDED THAT I'M GOING
TO PLAY IT REALLY, REALLY CHILL
AND COOL.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO
SOMEONE ELSE, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I EVEN
REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH.
IF IT WORKS OUT, IT WORKS OUT.
>> HI, CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A
SEC?
♪ THERE'S A FIRE
STARTING IN MY HEART
REACHING THAT FEVER PITCH ♪
♪ AND IT'S BRINGING ME OUT THE
DARK ♪
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE YOU CRYSTAL
CLEAR ♪
♪ GO AHEAD AND SELL ME OUT AND
I'LL LAY YOUR SHIP BARE ♪
>> OKAY, I'M A HUGE FAN, BUT I
DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH HER HERE.
>> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW THERE'S STILL 20 MINUTES
LEFT IN THE SHOW, BUT I THINK WE
GOT TO CALL IT WITH YOU, ADELE.
IT'S BEEN A VERY INTENSE NIGHT,
AND I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE
MANSION.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'D CALL THIS
A MANSION, BUT I UNDERSTAND.
GOOD LUCK, LADIES.
AND THANK YOU, BEN.
I WILL NOW LEAVE AND I WILL GO
QUIETLY.
I PROMISE THERE WILL BE NO MORE
DRAMA FROM ME.
>> WHOA, THAT'S SO SAD.
>> I KNOW.
I KIND OF WANTED HER TO FINISH
"SOMEONE LIKE YOU."
>> WAIT.
I THINK I CAN SEE HER COMING
BACK.
♪♪♪
>> YEP, HERE SHE IS.
♪ I HATE TO TURN
OUT OF THE BLUE UNINVITED
BUT I COULDN'T
STAY AWAY ♪
♪ I COULDN'T FIGHT IT
♪ I HOPED YOU'D SEE MY FACE AND
BE REMINDED THAT FOR ME IT ISN'T
OVER ♪
>> Together: YAY, SHE'S DOING
IT.
♪ NEVER MIND
I'LL FIND SOMEONE
LIKE YOU ♪
♪ I WISH NOTHING
BUT THE BEST
FOR YOU TOO ♪
♪ DON'T FORGET ME
I BEG ♪
♪ I REMEMBER YOU SAY-SOMETIMES
IT LASTS IN LOVE ♪
♪ BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS
INSTEAD ♪
♪ SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE BUT
SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD ♪
THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
CATCH ME NEXT WEEK ON "LOVE
ISLAND."
>>> EVERYONE KNOWS THIS COULD BE
THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN
OUR NATION'S HISTORY.
>> AND THE TWO CHOICES COULDN'T
BE MORE DIFFERENT.
>> DO WE WANT FOUR MORE YEARS OF
DONALD TRUMP OR A FRESH START
WITH JOE BIDEN?
>> CAN WE SURVIVE FOUR MORE
YEARS OF SCANDAL, NAME CALLING
AND RACIAL DIVISION?
>> OR DO WE WANT A LEADER WHO
UNITES THE COUNTRY?
>> I WANT TO VOTE FOR BIDEN
BECAUSE HE'S BETTER, SMARTER.
BETTER AND BETTER.
BUT I'M WORRIED.
>> I'M WORRIED TOO.
>> BECAUSE IF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T
PRESIDENT --
>> WHEN WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO
TALK ABOUT?
>> LIKE, WHAT WOULD OUR
CONVERSATIONS EVEN BE?
>> BECAUSE THE ONLY THING I
TALKED ABOUT FOR FOUR YEARS IS
DONALD TRUMP.
>> EVERY SINGLE DAY I TELL
SOMEONE, CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT
TRUMP JUST SAID?
>> MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY IS
HATING DONALD TRUMP.
IF HE'S GONE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO?
FOCUS ON MY KIDS AGAIN?
NO THANKS.
>> I ARGUE WITH MY DAD EVERY DAY
ABOUT TRUMP.
BEFORE THAT WE HASN'T SPOKEN FOR
YEARS.
>> I USED TO WATCH CIVIL RIGHTS
VIDEOS AND WONDER WHAT IT WOULD
BE LIKE TO LIVE IN THOSE TIMES.
THANKS TO TRUMP, I GET IT.
>> WHAT IS THE NEWS EVEN GOING
TO BE ABOUT NOW?
>> I AM REALLY WORRIED FOR
RACHEL MADDOW.
WHAT IS SHE EVEN GOING TO TALK
ABOUT?
>> WHAT ABOUT HIS TWEETS?
WHAT AM I GOING TO SEND TO MY
FRIENDS AND BE LIKE, THIS IS THE
CRAZIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
>> SURE, HE'S HISTORICALLY BAD
FOR THE COUNTRY, BUT HE'S GAVE
US SO MUCH.
>> INJECTING BLEACH IN OUR
BLOOD.
>> OPENLY CALLING AFRICAN
NATIONS [ BLEEP ] HOLES.
>> HE CHANGED THE GAME.
>> HE CALLED THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL HE APPOINTED MENTALLY
RETARDED.
THAT'S SOME NEXT LEVEL
[ BLEEP ].
>> I MEAN, HE STARTED WITH AN
IMPRESSION OF A DISABLED
REPORTER.
THAT WAS THE STARTING POINT.
B.S. CASE SCENARIO,
BIDEN GET THERE IS YEAR THREE.
>> ON NOVEMBER 3rd, I'LL BE
WORRIED.
>> ABOUT THE ELECTION, SURE.
>> FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY
OR WHATEVER.
>> BUT I'LL BE WORRIED ABOUT MY
FAVORITE VILLAIN.
>> LIKE IF THEY REPLACE JOKER.
>> I REMEMBER, EVEN IF HE LOSES,
TRUMP ISN'T GOING AWAY.
>> IF ANYTHING HE'S GOING TO GET
MORE VOCAL.
>> AND ANGRIER.
>> AND CRAZIER.
>> AND WITH ALL HIS CRIME, THERE
MAY BE A TRIAL.
AND MAYBE TRUMP WILL REPRESENT
HIMSELF IN COURT.
I GOT TO STOP GETTING MYSELF
HOPES UP.
>> MAYBE DONALD AND IVANKA WILL
RUN TOGETHER IN 2024?
>> WHY WOULD YOU THROW THAT OUT
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
H.E.R.
♪♪♪
♪ IF YOU GOT IT
IT AIN'T NO QUESTION
NO, IT AIN'T NO ROOM
FOR GUESSIN' ♪
♪ NO MORE THAN EMOTIONALLY
INVESTED
SHOWIN' YOU ALL MY
IMPERFECTIONS, OH ♪
♪ IF I LET YOU, YOU'LL
TAKE ME FOR GRANTED
YEAH ♪
♪ IF I'M WORTH MORE THAN
YOU COULD MANAGE
YEAH ♪
♪ OPEN WITH ME, OH WE
COULD BE HONEST
CLOSER TO ME, OH ♪
♪ GIVING ME SOLACE
PROMISE THAT YOU
WON'T LET ME FALL ♪
♪ HOLDING ME TIGHT
LOVING ME RIGHT
GIVING ME LIFE
ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU COULD BE
TELLING ME LIES
MAKING ME CRY ♪
♪ WASTING MY TIME
THE WHOLE TIME
SO JUST BE ♪
♪ CAREFUL WHAT YOU
TAKE FOR GRANTED, YEAH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WITH ME KNOW
YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE
YOU COULD DO DAMAGE, YEAH ♪
♪ WORRIED ABOUT IT I'M
PUTTING PRESSURE YOU KNOW
YOU'LL ONLY CUT ME
IF I LET YOU ♪
♪ NO, HE AIN'T THE ONE
IT'S JUST FOR PLEASURE
EITHER LEARN ME OR I'M
A LESSON GONE ♪
♪ IF YOU WANT ME DON'T
TAKE ME FOR GRANTED
YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ IF I'M WORTH MORE THAN
YOU COULD MANAGE, BABY ♪
♪ OH YOU'RE FALLING FOR ME
OH BABY I'VE CAUGHT IT ♪
♪ OOH WE COULD BE WHATEVER
YOU WANNA CALL IT
PROMISE THAT YOU WON'T
LET ME FALL ♪
♪ OH, BOY ♪
♪ HOLDING ME TIGHT
LOVING ME RIGHT
GIVING ME LIFE
ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU COULD BE
TELLING ME LIES
MAKING ME CRY
WASTING MY TIME ♪
♪ THE WHOLE TIME
♪ SO JUST BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU
TAKE FOR GRANTED, YEAH ♪
♪ CAUSE WITH ME KNOW
YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE
YOU, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE,
YEAH ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE,
YEAH ♪
♪ OH, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE ♪
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
wELL, THE FINAL PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE TOOK PLACE ON THURSDAY
AND THE ACTUAL CNN HEADLINE
AFTER WAS "TRUMP BEHAVED MORE
LIKE A REGULAR PERSON."
THAT'S NOT A DESCRIPTION OF A
PRESIDENT, BUT THE DESCRIPTION
OF A ROBOT FROM "WESTWORLD."
THIS DEBATE WAS SO FRUSTRATING
TO WATCH.
DID ANYONE FIND THEMSELVES
YELLING LINES AT THE SCREEN THAT
THEY WISHED BIDEN HAD SAID?
WHEN TRUMP TALKED ABOUT HOW GOOD
HE'S BEEN FOR THE STOCK MARKET,
I WAS LIKE, JOE, THE STOCK
MARKET WHEN YOU WERE VICE
PRESIDENT WENT UP FOUR TIMES
HIGHER THAN TRUMP'S STOCK
MARKET.
YOU HAVE THE BALL.
YOU'RE STANDING ABOVE THE RIM.
WHY WOULD YOU NOT DUNK IT?
OR WHEN TRUMP SAID THAT BIDEN IS
ALL TALK AND NO ACTION, WHY
DIDN'T BIDEN SAY, BITCH, SHOW US
YOUR TAXES, SHOW US THE VACCINE,
SHOW US THE WALL, AND SHOW US
WHAT PRISON YOU LOCKED HILLARY
IN.
TRULY IT WAS LIKE BIDEN HAD AN
OPEN FIELD, RUNNING FOR A
TOUCHDOWN, AND THEN THIS
HAPPENED.
>> HE IS GONE.
TRYING TO STAY UPRIGHT AND HE
TRIPS!
>> TRUMP CLAIMED THAT HE WAS
THE LEAST RACIST PERSON IN THE
ROOM, WHICH IS ONLY SOMETHING
THE MOST RACIST PERSON IN A ROOM
WOULD SAY.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, I'M THE
LEAST RACIST.
NOBODY'S EXPECTING YOU TO BE THE
LEAST RACIST.
I'D SETTLE FOR JUST NOT SO
RACIST ANYMORE.
WHEN YOU LIE THAT BIG IT MAKES
YOU LOOK MORE GUILTY.
IT'S LIKE WHEN MY UNCLE TOLD ME
HE DOESN'T GET HIGH ANYMORE
WHILE HE WAS HOLDING MY TV.
I HATE THAT.
>> YOU ALSO KNOW POLITICS IN
--
RUDY GIULIANI IS DENYING HE DID
ANYTHING WRONG AFTER A
CONTROVERSIAL NEW SCENE IN THE
BORAT MOVIE IN WHICH HE'S ALONE
IN A HOTEL ROOM WITH A FEMALE
REPORTER, PUTS HIS HANDS DOWN
HIS PANTS, AND APPEARS TO START
TOUCHING HIMSELF.
UNFORTUNATELY WE CANNOT SHOW YOU
THE VIDEO.
NOT BECAUSE IT VIOLATES
STANDARDS BUT BECAUSE ANYONE WHO
WATCHES IT DIES IN SEVEN DAYS.
GIULIANI DEFENDED HIMSELF BY
EXPLAINING THAT HE HAD TO LAY
DOWN ON THE BED TO TUCK IN HIS
SHIRT, WHICH I THINK IS AN
ACTUAL PUNCH LINE TO A "YO MAMA
IS SO FAT" JOKE.
>> RATES OF CORONAVIRUS ARE
SPIKING IN ALMOST EVERY STATE
AS THE COUNTRY BRACES FOR A
POSSIBLE THIRD PEAK, BUT ARE WE
ACTUALLY BRACING, THOUGH?
BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME PEOPLE
WERE HAVING KNIFE FIGHTS OVER
LYSOL AND TOILET PAPER, AND NOW
PEOPLE ARE BACK TO EATING
BUFFALO WINGS OUTSIDE, LICKING
ON THEIR FINGERS.
IT'S GROSS.
AM I THE ONLY ONE STILL
TERRIFIED?
REMEMBER WHEN TOM HANKS GOT IT
LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO, SIX MONTHS
AGO?
AND WE ALL SAT TEARY EYED
THINKING WE MIGHT ACTUALLY LOSE
FORREST GUMP?
NOW A WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM
GETS SICK AND THEY JUST MOVE THE
GAME?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING
WITH THIS.
IT'S BEEN A REALLY WEIRD WEEK,
AND I REALLY, REALLY THOUGHT THE
PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO DIE.
>> FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
WAS ALSO BACK ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL THIS WEEK.
IT WAS KIND OF JARRING TO SEE.
OBAMA'S PRESIDENCY SEEMED SO
LONG AGO.
IT'S EASY TO FORGET HE'S
15 YEARS YOUNGER THAN EITHER OF
THE CURRENT CANDIDATES.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS YOUNGER
THAN THE CURRENT CANDIDATES?
THE GUYS WE ELECTED IN THE
YEARS 2000 AND 1992.
IS IT JUST ME OR IS THAT INSANE?
THIS ELECTION IS THE EQUIVALENT
OF A BASEBALL TEAM GIVING A
FOUR-YEAR DEAL TO WILLIE MAYS
NOW.
>>> MANY AMERICANS ARE PREPARING
TO QUARANTINE AGAIN THIS WINTER.
HERE TO OFFER HER TIPS ON
QUARANTINING ALONE IS OUR VERY
OWN MELISSA VILLASENOR.
>> THANKS, COLIN.
HEY, NICE SUIT.
>> THANKS, MELISSA.
SO, WE'RE ALL BACK AT WORK NOW,
BUT BEFORE THAT YOU SPENT MOST
OF QUARANTINE BY YOURSELF,
RIGHT?
>> WOW, COLIN, WAY TO THROW IT
IN MY FACE.
I SAY NICE SUIT, AND YOU SAY,
YOU'RE ALWAYS ALONE.
>> I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS PRETTY HARSH.
SORRY, MELISSA.
>> IT'S OKAY.
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT, THOUGH.
IT WASN'T SUPER FUN ALL THE
TIME.
AT FIRST ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS
WATCH SILLY STUPID STUFF.
SO I FOUND THAT OLD SHOW
"THE LITTLE RASCALS."
I WOULD LAUGH SO HARD I COULDN'T
MAKE OUT A SINGLE WORD THEY WERE
SAYING.
IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS --
OH, NO.
HAMBURGER.
>> YEAH, ALL I UNDERSTOOD WAS
HAMBURGER.
>> I WAS LIKE, MAN, IT MUST HAVE
BEEN SO FUN TO BE A LITTLE
RASCAL.
THEN I LOOKED IT UP.
IT WAS NOT VERY FUN TO BE A
LITTLE RASCAL.
>> YEAH, THAT'S A BUMMER TO LOOK
INTO.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT ALWAYS CHEERS
ME UP THOUGH?
EXERCISING.
ONE DAY I WAS DOING A WALL SIT
FOR A WHOLE MINUTE.
THEN I SNEEZED LIKE THIS.
AHH!
ALL MY GAMERS OUT THERE KNOW
WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE.
THAT'S LINK FROM ZELDA.
I'M SITTING THERE, LEGS ON FIRE,
SNEEZING LIKE LINK.
AND THEN I PEED A LITTLE.
IT HAPPENS, YOU KNOW.
IT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.
>> REALLY BUMMED I MISSED IT.
>> I ALSO GOT PRETTY CREATIVE.
I SAW THAT TIKTOK OF THAT GUY
SKATEBOARDING TO FLEETWOOD MAC.
SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECREATE IT
MYSELF, YOU KNOW?
BUT INSTEAD OF CRANBERRY JUICE,
I WAS HOLDING MY CAT, ELLA.
SO I'M SKATEBOARDING, HOLDING
ELLA, SINGING TO HER --
♪ NOW HERE YOU PURR AGAIN
YOU SAY YOU WANT YOUR DINNER ♪
♪ WAIT I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO SKATEBOARD ♪
♪ I'M FALLING DOWN INTO A
CREEK ♪
♪ OH NO, I PEED AGAIN ♪
>> YOU PEED AGAIN?
>> YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU WEREN'T
THERE FOR THAT ONE.
BUT COLIN, I COULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN THROUGH QUARANTINE
WITHOUT RELAXING MUSIC.
MY FAVORITE IS SIA BECAUSE SHE
ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S BUNDLED
UP IN BED.
♪ PARTY GIRLS
DON'T GET HURT
CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING
WHEN WILL I LEARN ♪
♪ I PUSH IT DOWN
I PUSH IT DOWN ♪
>> COME ON, SIA, START THE DAY.
>> MELISSA VILLASENOR, EVERYONE.
>> I WANT TO TICKLE MY FRIENDS
AGAIN.
>> "NEW YORKER" REPORTER JEFFREY
TOOBIN HAS BEEN SUSPENDED AFTER
TOOBIN HAS BEEN SUSPENDED AFTER
GETTING CAUGHT MASTURBATING ON A
ZOOM CALL.
AND HE'S FROM THE "NEW YORKER"
SO YOU KNOW THAT JERK WAS DRY AS
HELL.
WHATEVER, MAN.
I STAND BY IT.
>> YEAH.
SENATOR MAJORITY LEADER MITCH
McCONNELL, SEEN HERE AFTER
PHYSICALLY FIGHTING WITH
DEATH -- DID NOT ANSWER
QUESTIONS ABOUT BRUISES AND
BANDAGES SEEN ON HIS FACE AND
HANDS, SAYING THERE WERE NO
CONCERNS.
BY THE WAY, NO CONCERNS IS ALSO
WHAT McCONNELL WHISPERS WHEN HE
SEES A BABY STROLLER ROLLING
DOWNHILL INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
>> POPEYE'S CHICKEN ANNOUNCED
THAT THEY'RE BRINGING BACK CAJUN
STYLE TURKEYS FOR THANKSGIVING.
IT'S A RARE PIECE OF GOOD NEWS
FOR PEOPLE WHO SPEND
THANKSGIVING AT POPEYE'S.
>>> NASA HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO
PUT A FULL 4G CELL PHONE NETWORK
ON THE MOON.
WHILE AT&T HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS
TO PUT ALMOST TWO BARS ON YOUR
EARTH PHONE.
>>> MATTEL ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR
AN ELTON JOHN THEMED BARBIE
DOLL.
FINALLY, SAID KEN.
>> THE EX-WIFE OF SINGER PHIL
COLLINS HAS ALLEGEDLY OCCUPIED
THEIR MIAMI MANSION AND HIRED
ARMED GUARDS TO PROTECT IT.
IN THE MEANTIME COLLINS IS
STAYING AT A NEARBY
STU-STU-STUDIO APARTMENT.
>> RESIDENTS IN ROME ARE UPSET
AFTER A WILD BOAR AND HER SIX
PIGLETS WERE KILLED ON A
PLAYGROUND NEAR THE VATICAN.
BUT IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, NOTHING
GOOD EVER HAPPENS ON A
PLAYGROUND NEAR THE VATICAN.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> GERMAN RESEARCHERS RECORDED
THE SHORTEST.
>> RAPPER NELLY WILL BE APPEARS
ON A NEW LINE OF BUDWEISER CANS,
RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE WORD
MISSING.
MISSING.
>> IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE
TRUMP RALLIES YOU PROBABLY
NOTICED TRUMP DANCING TO THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE.
IF YOU HAVEN'T, LET'S TAKE A
LOOK.
♪ YOUNG MAN
THERE'S NO NEED TO
FEEL DOWN ♪
>> IT'S GREAT.
HERE WITH A MESSAGE RESPONDING
TO DONALD TRUMP ARE THE VILLAGE
PEOPLE.
♪ STOP IT ♪
♪ YEAH I'M TALKING TO YOU ♪
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT.
>> WHAT?
I MEAN, WHY?
IT'S JUST MUSIC, MAN.
WE'RE JUST SINGING.
>> NO, BECAUSE THAT'S A REALLY
SERIOUS ALLEGATION.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ FOR TRUMP?
>> HE FLIPPED.
DO YOU GUYS ALL FEEL THE SAME
WAY ABOUT TRUMP?
YOU'RE ALL FROM DIFFERENT WALKS
OF LIFE, RIGHT?
>> IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED.
YOU SEE --
♪ THE SOLDIER SAID THAT
WAIT, YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE GOING
SHAVE IVANKA'S HEAD?
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT.
THAT'S GOT TO BE, LIKE A FELONY.
>> HEY, MAN, EVERYTHING IS LEGAL
IF YOU SING IT IN A SONG.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
VILLAGE PEOPLE, EVERYONE.
>> I LIKE IT.
>> GOODNIGHT!!!!
>>> I'M SO GLAD WE COULD ALL GET
TOGETHER TO VISIT GRANDMA.
>> SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK?
CAN WE GO INSIDE THE NURSING
HOME?
>> NO, THERE'S QUARANTINED,
BUT WE CAN STAND IN THE
COURTYARD AND SHOUT UP TO HER
BALCONY.
>> YEAH, LIKE ROMEO AND JULY
YET, EXCEPT OLD.
>> HERE SHE COMES.
>> BLANCH, PEOPLE ARE HERE TO
SEE YOU.
>> RIGHT.
>> GRANDMA, DOWN HERE.
>> HI, GRANDMA!
>> WHAT?
>> LOOK DOWN, GRANDMA.
>> OH!
GRANDCHILDREN!
>> HI, GRANDMA.
YOO-HOO!
>> OH, BABY.
ARE YOU COLD?
>> NO, I'M WEARING THAT SCARF
YOU KNIT ME.
>> YOU DID WHAT?
>> I'M WEARING THE SCARF YOU
MADE ME, SEE?
>> YOU SAID MY SCARF?
>> NO, YOU MADE ME A SCARF FOR
MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M WEARING IT.
>> THAT'S AMAZING.
WHO IS THAT MAN?
>> THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND, KEVIN.
YOU REMEMBER KEVIN.
>> ARIZONA.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, I'M FROM
ARIZONA.
>> OKAY.
SO WHAT'S DOING WITH WORK?
>> OH, CRAZY BUSY.
PEOPLE ALWAYS NEED DOGS.
THAT'S WHAT WE SELL.
>> NOT YOU, THE BOYFRIEND.
>> ME?
OH.
UM, DIDN'T EXPECT THAT.
ACTUALLY I'M IN A BIT OF AN
INTERESTING STATE RIGHT NOW.
MY CONTRACT ENDED APRIL AND NOW
I'M HELPING MY BUDDY WITH HIS
STARTUP WHICH JUST GOT AN ANGEL
INVESTOR.
SUPER EXCITING.
JUST TAKING A WHILE TO COME
THROUGH.
>> WHAT?
>> OH, I WAS SAYING MY LAST JOB
ENDED AND RIGHT NOW I'M SORT OF
IN A HOLDING PATTERN HELPING A
FRIEND GET HIS BUSINESS OFF THE
GROUND, BUT IT'S A WAITING GAME.
>> WHAT?
>> HE SAID HE'S IN A HOLDING
PATTERN.
JUST SLOWER BECAUSE OF COVID.
>> YEAH, MOSTLY JUST PUTTING OUT
FEELERS FOR DIFFERENT GIGS.
>> YOU'RE WHAT?
>> I'M UNEMPLOYED.
I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> I WANT ONE, AND I DON'T HAVE
ONE.
I'M TRYING TO GET ONE, BUT NO
ONE WILL LET ME HAVE ONE.
I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> BUT I DO HAVE A JOB, AND HE
DOES NOT, AND THAT BOTHERS BOTH
OF US.
SO MUCH.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE SHE MAKES,
I HAVE TO TAKE SOME OF IT,
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> BLANCH, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW
THEM THE BRACELET YOU MADE
TODAY.
>> OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
>> GRANDMA, YOU'LL LIKE THIS.
I BOUGHT A RECORD PLAYER.
>> OKAY, SHOT DOWN.
>> ONE OF YOU HAS A MUSCULAR
HUSBAND, DEVIN.
WHERE'S HANDSOME DEVIN?
>> THAT'S ME.
GRANDMA, DEVIN AND I WENT
THROUGH A LOT WITH QUARANTINE,
AND WE REALIZE THAT -- WELL,
THERE'S A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT
WHO SAYS THAT FRENCH PEOPLE
DON'T ASK THEIR PARTNER TO BE
THEIR LOVER AND THEIR BEST
FRIEND, YOU KNOW?
>> WHAT?
>> I WAS SAYING THE PRESSURE OF
BEING AROUND EACH OTHER WITHOUT
ANY DISTRACTIONS, WE REALIZED
WE AREN'T GOOD AT BEING MARRIED
TO EACH OTHER.
>> WHAT?
>> HE SAID HE WANTED TO BE OPEN.
>> OPEN WHAT?
>> HE DUMPED MY ASS, GRANDMA!
WE HAD A THREE-WAY AND HE LIKED
HER BETTER.
>> OKAY.
>> YEAH.
HE OPENED THE RELATIONSHIP TO
HER AND CLOSED IT TO ME.
THEY NOW LIVE TOGETHER IN MY
HOUSE.
>> OKAY.
>> YEAH.
I STILL LIVE IN THE HOUSE
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I'M AT
RIGHT NOW.
>> OKAY.
>> DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE
MEANS, BLANCH, THAT SHE HAD A
MAN AND NOW HE'S GONE NOW?
>> YEAH.
AND THE OTHER MAN?
>> ME?
I'M STILL UNEMPLOYED.
>> YEAH, WHEN I WAKE UP I GO TO
WORK, AND WHEN HE WAKES UP, HE
STAYS IN THE BED.
>> I AM LIKE A PET.
I DO NOT HAVE MONEY.
>> I'M DATING A MAN WITH NO JOB.
>> OKAY.
>> MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR DINNER.
>> WAIT, GRANDMA, YOU SAID
YOU REVISED YOUR WILL AND WANTED
TO READ IT TO US, RIGHT?
>> RIGHT.
OKEYDOKEY.
HERE WE GO.
MY DEAREST GRANDCHILDREN,
AS YOU KNOW I HAVE LIVED A LONG
INTERESTING LIFE, FULL OF
TRAVEL, CELEBRATIONS,
CASINOS AND SHOPPING SPREES.
>> WHAT?
>> WHILE SOME SAY YOU NEED TO
PUT AWAY FOR A RAINY DAY --
>> WHAT?
>> I ALWAYS BELIEVED LIFE IS A
LEMON THAT NEEDS TO BE SQUEEZED.
>> THERE'S NO INHERITANCE, IS
THERE?
>> NOPE, SPENT IT.
BROKE.
>> THANKS, GRANDMA.
>>> THE FOLLOWING IS A MESSAGE
FROM THE TOURISM BOARD OF
AFRICA.
>> SUN, RAYS, OCEAN, MOUNTAINS,
AND BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL AFRICA.
>> WITNESS THE WONDER, THE
ESCAPE, THE STORY.
>> THE SANDY BEACHES, THE
MASSIVE BAMBOO.
>> THE WILDLIFE.
THE CULTURE.
>> THE FOOD.
THE NIGHT LIFE.
>> TRIBESMEN.
>> THE HISTORY AND LUSH DANGLY
FOLIAGE.
>> TRIBESMEN.
>> LEAVE ORDINARY BEHIND.
>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I YEARNED
FOR A NEW BEGINNING.
>> AND WHERE BETTER TO START
ANEW THAN THE CRYSTAL WATERS AND
SANDY BEACHES OF AFRICA.
>> THE HUMPBACK WHALES, THE
TALL, TALL TRIBESMEN.
THE BAMBOO.
>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I TOOK IN
THE BREATHTAKING VIEWS AND
DELICIOUS CUISINE OF AFRICA.
>> WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
SET SAIL FOR AFRICA.
>> ALL OF AFRICA.
>> ZIMBABWE, KENYA.
>> GHANA, TANZANIA.
>> TRIBESMEN.
>> THE SKY, THE COCONUT WATER.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THAT
COCONUT WATER.
>> LAST NIGHT, I SAW THE FACE OF
GOD.
>> AFTER MY DIVORCE I MOVED
TO MOMBASA AND WAS TAKEN IN MY
THE MASAI TRIBE WHERE I WAS
ORDAINED AS A MINISTER OF JOY.
>> ME TOO.
>> ME THREE.
HI, I'M JOANN.
>> THAT'S OUR NAME TOO.
>> RIGHT ON.
>> I FIRST MOVED TO THE
BEAUTIFUL AFRICA AFTER MY
DIVORCE.
I MET A WONDERFUL FRIEND ON THE
COMPUTER, AND HE INVITED ME TO
THE LOVELY OCEAN WATERS OF
GAMBIA.
>> AH, GAMBIA.
SO MUCH BAMBOO.
>> BEAUCOUP BAMBOO.
>> ONCE I GOT HERE, I KNEW I HAD
TO EXPLORE THE REST OF THE
MAGICAL LANDS OF AFRICA.
>> JUNGLES, MOUNTAINS, THE
RANGES.
>> THE RIVER, THE DRUMS, THE
POUNDING.
>> THE FANNING YOURSELF WITH A
PALM BETWEEN ROUNDS.
>> I FOUND SUCH A DEEP, DEEP
CONNECTION HERE.
>> YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR
STOMACH.
>>TELL YOUR TRAVEL AGENT YOU
WANT TO SEE AFRICA.
ALL OF IT.
>> FROM ANGOLA TO JAMAICA.
>> NOT EGYPT.
>> YES, VERY DRY THERE.
NO BAMBOO.
>> SO, LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME.
>>LEAVE EVERYTHING AT HOME.
BRING NO ONE.
>> EXCEPT YOURSELF AND SOME
MONEY AND SOME MEN'S SNEAKERS.
>> AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY YOU'RE
GOING.
>> TO BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL
AFRICA.
>> AFRICA.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THAT
COCONUT WATER.
>> THE NUMBER ONE DESTINATION
FOR DIVORCEES OF A CERTAIN AGE.
AFRICA.
WE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR
YOU.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, THE DIVINE
H.E.R.
♪♪♪
♪ ONLY IF THE BOY'S BEEN
HOLDIN' ON ME
♪ I CAN'T WAIT TOO LONG
I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ♪
♪ HIS HARD'S DEEP ♪
♪ I WANT TO BE FREE ♪
♪ HOW DO YOU GET SO COMFORTABLE
THEN LEAVE? ♪
♪ SAY SOMETHING, BABY-SOMETHING
BABY ♪
♪ RUNNING TO YOU
RUNNING FROM ME ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ON
DON'T WANT TO BE SO
DEPENDENT ON YOU ♪
♪ DEPENDENT ON ME
DON'T WANT TO BE
SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU
I END UP HURTING ME ♪
♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD ON TO YOU
I'LL NEVER WANT TO LEAVE ♪
♪ DON'T LET ME, DON'T SET ME
FREE ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ DON'T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED ♪
♪ NO ♪
♪ EVERY TIME I'M WEAK GETTING
LONG ♪
♪ DEEP IN MY BONES I KNOW ♪
♪ HOW DO YOU GET SOMEWHERE
COMFORTABLE AND LEAVE? ♪
♪ SAY SOMETHING, BABY-SOMETHING
TO ME ♪
♪ RUNNING TO YOU, RUNNING FROM
ME ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ON ♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO BE SO DEPENDENT
ON YOU, DEPENDENT ON ME ♪
♪ SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL ONLY HURT ME ♪
♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE,
YEAH ♪
♪ AND IF I HOLD ON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL ONLY HURT ME, BABY ♪
♪ I KNOW IF I HOLD TON TO YOU ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE, YEAH ♪
♪ BABY YEAH ♪
♪ OH, I, KNOW I IF I HOLD ON TO
YOU I'M ONLY HURTING, YEAH ♪
♪ AS LONG AS I HOLD ON TO
YOU-I'LL NEVER WANT TO BE ♪♪♪
♪♪♪
>>> DANG, CHARLISE YOU LOOK
AMAZING IN THOSE JEANS,
AND YOU SMELL GREAT, TOO.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
>> WHY, THEY'RE MY ASS ANGEL
PERFUME JEANS OF COURSE.
>> PERFUME JEANS?
OOH, GORGEOUS.
CAN I GET A PAIR?
>> SWEET SMELLING BOOTY.
THESE JEANS ARE FROM HEAVEN
ABOVE.
♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN ANGEL
AND NOW SHE SMELLS LIKE ONE
TOO ♪
♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN ANGEL
YOU CAN SMELL THAT IT'S TRUE ♪
>> ASS ANGEL JEANS ARE THE ONLY
JEANS THAT COVER YOUR SECRET
LADY SCENTS.
DON'T WORRY, GIRL.
ALL I CAN SMELL IS CINNAMON
SUGAR SWIRL.
>> HE KNOWS THE BOOTY LOOK LIKE
CAKE, BUT NOW IT SMELLS LIKE ONE
TOO.
>> BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND TAKE
A BITE.
♪ PERFUMED AROMA AND I'M
TALKING BACK DOOR ♪
♪ SHE'S GOT THE ASS OF AN
ANGEL ♪
♪ WANT TO SMELL IT SOME MORE ♪
>> ASS ANGEL PERFUME JEANS ARE
ALSO MADE OF LAVENDER, ROSE,
AND LOADS OF AWESOME INDUSTRIAL
CHEMICALS.
>> THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF SMELL.
I GOT TO SIT DOWN.
>> OH, NO, NOT ON THE FURNITURE.
>> OH, WOW, MY BUTT -- THE SEAT.
>> THAT'S THE MAGIC OF THE
JEANS, OF COURSE.
>>HEY, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM
EARLIER AND IT STUNG WHEN I
TINKLED.
IS THAT THE JEANS?
>> UH-HUH.
DO NOT WEAR THESE JEANS IF YOU
HAVE KIDNEY OR LIVER PROBLEMS.
>> SMELLING GOOD, LADIES.
WOW.
THAT ASS IS HOT.
>> AND SO MY FRONT.
>> NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TO GO SING.
♪ DO THEY WEAR JEANS
IN HEAVEN? ♪
♪ THAT ASS OF MY PRAYERS ♪
>> ASS ANGEL JEANS.
CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE
PURCHASING.
>>> THANK YOU TO H.E.R., ALEC
BALDWIN, JIM CARREY.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
I HAD TO TIME OF MY LIFE.
DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!
♪♪♪