Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Fred Willard/Devo - full transcript

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WITH THE YANKEE
ORGANIZATION.
NO ONE'S BEEN SITTING IN MY

ORGANIZATION.
NO ONE'S BEEN SITTING IN MY
SEAT, HAVE THEY?

NO ONE'S BEEN SITTING IN MY
SEAT, HAVE THEY?
NO ONE'S GONNA COME BACK AND

SEAT, HAVE THEY?
NO ONE'S GONNA COME BACK AND
SAY, "HEY, THAT'S MY SEAT"?

NO ONE'S GONNA COME BACK AND
SAY, "HEY, THAT'S MY SEAT"?
DIDN'T THINK SO.

SAY, "HEY, THAT'S MY SEAT"?
DIDN'T THINK SO.
ARRIVED A LITTLE LATE, I GUESS.

DIDN'T THINK SO.
ARRIVED A LITTLE LATE, I GUESS.
[LAUGHTER]

ARRIVED A LITTLE LATE, I GUESS.
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS DOWN THE CLUBHOUSE HELPING

[LAUGHTER]
I WAS DOWN THE CLUBHOUSE HELPING
OUT THE YANKEES.

I WAS DOWN THE CLUBHOUSE HELPING
OUT THE YANKEES.
I'M HELPING THEM OUT DOWN THERE.



OUT THE YANKEES.
I'M HELPING THEM OUT DOWN THERE.
I'M TROUBLESHOOTING WITH THEM.

I'M HELPING THEM OUT DOWN THERE.
I'M TROUBLESHOOTING WITH THEM.
YOU KNOW, JUST KEEPING AN EYE ON

I'M TROUBLESHOOTING WITH THEM.
YOU KNOW, JUST KEEPING AN EYE ON
THINGS, MAKING SURE THERE'S NO

YOU KNOW, JUST KEEPING AN EYE ON
THINGS, MAKING SURE THERE'S NO
TROUBLE, YOU KNOW?

THINGS, MAKING SURE THERE'S NO
TROUBLE, YOU KNOW?
KIND OF HELP OUT.

TROUBLE, YOU KNOW?
KIND OF HELP OUT.
SORT OF A YANKEE AUXILIARY, SORT

KIND OF HELP OUT.
SORT OF A YANKEE AUXILIARY, SORT
OF.

SORT OF A YANKEE AUXILIARY, SORT
OF.
GEEZ, I'M SCREWED UP ABOUT THE

OF.
GEEZ, I'M SCREWED UP ABOUT THE
YANKEES THIS YEAR.

GEEZ, I'M SCREWED UP ABOUT THE
YANKEES THIS YEAR.
[LAUGHS]

YANKEES THIS YEAR.
[LAUGHS]
HOW ABOUT THAT SERIES WITH THE

[LAUGHS]
HOW ABOUT THAT SERIES WITH THE
BALL SOX, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO

HOW ABOUT THAT SERIES WITH THE
BALL SOX, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO
THE END AND THEN TAKING IT ON

BALL SOX, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO
THE END AND THEN TAKING IT ON
THE LAST DAY AT FENWAY?



THE END AND THEN TAKING IT ON
THE LAST DAY AT FENWAY?
AAAH.

THE LAST DAY AT FENWAY?
AAAH.
THAT WAS SWEET.

AAAH.
THAT WAS SWEET.
THAT WAS SWEET.

THAT WAS SWEET.
THAT WAS SWEET.
AND THEN THE SHOWDOWN FOR

THAT WAS SWEET.
AND THEN THE SHOWDOWN FOR
SUPREMACY WITH THE ROYALS, THEY

AND THEN THE SHOWDOWN FOR
SUPREMACY WITH THE ROYALS, THEY
TOOK THEM ON... "AAAAH."

SUPREMACY WITH THE ROYALS, THEY
TOOK THEM ON... "AAAAH."
YEAH, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,

TOOK THEM ON... "AAAAH."
YEAH, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,
BOY.

YEAH, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,
BOY.
THEY SAY A LOT ABOUT THE

BOY.
THEY SAY A LOT ABOUT THE
DODGERS.

THEY SAY A LOT ABOUT THE
DODGERS.
THE SAY, "HEY, THE DODGERS ARE A

DODGERS.
THE SAY, "HEY, THE DODGERS ARE A
TEAM THAT'S BUILT."

THE SAY, "HEY, THE DODGERS ARE A
TEAM THAT'S BUILT."
BUT WE BOUGHT OUR TEAM, DAMN IT.

TEAM THAT'S BUILT."
BUT WE BOUGHT OUR TEAM, DAMN IT.
[LAUGHTER]

BUT WE BOUGHT OUR TEAM, DAMN IT.
[LAUGHTER]
AM I RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]
AM I RIGHT?
YES.

AM I RIGHT?
YES.
WE BOUGHT THAT TEAM.

YES.
WE BOUGHT THAT TEAM.
AND THAT'S HARD-EARNED MONEY,

WE BOUGHT THAT TEAM.
AND THAT'S HARD-EARNED MONEY,
U.S.-STYLE.

AND THAT'S HARD-EARNED MONEY,
U.S.-STYLE.
YOU KNOW, ANYBODY THAT DOESN'T

U.S.-STYLE.
YOU KNOW, ANYBODY THAT DOESN'T
LIKE IT CAN GO TO H-E DOUBLE

YOU KNOW, ANYBODY THAT DOESN'T
LIKE IT CAN GO TO H-E DOUBLE
HOCKEY STICKS.

LIKE IT CAN GO TO H-E DOUBLE
HOCKEY STICKS.
I DON'T CARE.

HOCKEY STICKS.
I DON'T CARE.
THE HELL WITH THAT.

I DON'T CARE.
THE HELL WITH THAT.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THE HELL WITH THAT.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THEY SAY, "THE HOUSE THAT RUTH

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THEY SAY, "THE HOUSE THAT RUTH
BUILT."

THEY SAY, "THE HOUSE THAT RUTH
BUILT."
THE HOUSE THAT... THE TEAM THAT

BUILT."
THE HOUSE THAT... THE TEAM THAT
THE YANKEES BOUGHT.

THE HOUSE THAT... THE TEAM THAT
THE YANKEES BOUGHT.
IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE.

THE YANKEES BOUGHT.
IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE.
IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF BASEBALL.

IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE.
IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF BASEBALL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF BASEBALL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT'S BASEBALL THAT'S THE REAL

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT'S BASEBALL THAT'S THE REAL
WINNER HERE.

IT'S BASEBALL THAT'S THE REAL
WINNER HERE.
I'M A GOOD BUDDY WITH

WINNER HERE.
I'M A GOOD BUDDY WITH
BILLY MARTIN.

I'M A GOOD BUDDY WITH
BILLY MARTIN.
AND I WAS TALKING TO

BILLY MARTIN.
AND I WAS TALKING TO
STEINBRENNER TONIGHT.

AND I WAS TALKING TO
STEINBRENNER TONIGHT.
STEINBRENNER'S A TOOL.

STEINBRENNER TONIGHT.
STEINBRENNER'S A TOOL.
I WAS SAYING, "NO OFFENSE TO

STEINBRENNER'S A TOOL.
I WAS SAYING, "NO OFFENSE TO
BILLY.

I WAS SAYING, "NO OFFENSE TO
BILLY.
HE'S A DEAR FRIEND.

BILLY.
HE'S A DEAR FRIEND.
HE'S A BUDDY, YOU KNOW?

HE'S A DEAR FRIEND.
HE'S A BUDDY, YOU KNOW?
HE'S A FRIEND.

HE'S A BUDDY, YOU KNOW?
HE'S A FRIEND.
BUT I GOT TO SAY THIS... IF HE

HE'S A FRIEND.
BUT I GOT TO SAY THIS... IF HE
WAS STILL MANAGING THE TEAM, THE

BUT I GOT TO SAY THIS... IF HE
WAS STILL MANAGING THE TEAM, THE
YANKEES WOULD BE WATCHING THE

WAS STILL MANAGING THE TEAM, THE
YANKEES WOULD BE WATCHING THE
TEAM WITH THE GAME ON THE TUBE."

YANKEES WOULD BE WATCHING THE
TEAM WITH THE GAME ON THE TUBE."
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

TEAM WITH THE GAME ON THE TUBE."
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
HE'S GOT A BAD ATTITUDE.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
HE'S GOT A BAD ATTITUDE.
I MEAN, THAT GUY WAS TEARING THE

HE'S GOT A BAD ATTITUDE.
I MEAN, THAT GUY WAS TEARING THE
TEAM APART.

I MEAN, THAT GUY WAS TEARING THE
TEAM APART.
HE WAS TEARING THAT BALL CLUB

TEAM APART.
HE WAS TEARING THAT BALL CLUB
APART, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

HE WAS TEARING THAT BALL CLUB
APART, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
BUT THERE'S A SCAR.

APART, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
BUT THERE'S A SCAR.
OH, THIS ISN'T A YANKEE GAME.

BUT THERE'S A SCAR.
OH, THIS ISN'T A YANKEE GAME.
[LAUGHTER]

OH, THIS ISN'T A YANKEE GAME.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

HERE'S AL.
GEEZ, I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

GEEZ, I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
I JUST BEEN FOLLOWING THE CROWDS

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
I JUST BEEN FOLLOWING THE CROWDS
AROUND FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS,

I JUST BEEN FOLLOWING THE CROWDS
AROUND FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS,
AND I WAS DOWN IN THE SUBWAY,

AROUND FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS,
AND I WAS DOWN IN THE SUBWAY,
AND I SAW THIS GUY LOOKED LIKE

AND I WAS DOWN IN THE SUBWAY,
AND I SAW THIS GUY LOOKED LIKE
MICKEY RIVERS.

AND I SAW THIS GUY LOOKED LIKE
MICKEY RIVERS.
I FOLLOWED HIM UP HERE.

MICKEY RIVERS.
I FOLLOWED HIM UP HERE.
I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, I'D GET IN

I FOLLOWED HIM UP HERE.
I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, I'D GET IN
WITH HIM, 'CAUSE OF THE RED

I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, I'D GET IN
WITH HIM, 'CAUSE OF THE RED
TAPE, JUST SAVE EVERYBODY A

WITH HIM, 'CAUSE OF THE RED
TAPE, JUST SAVE EVERYBODY A
LITTLE TROUBLE.

TAPE, JUST SAVE EVERYBODY A
LITTLE TROUBLE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, ANYWAY?

LITTLE TROUBLE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, ANYWAY?
D'OH!

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, ANYWAY?
D'OH!
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

D'OH!
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH FRED WILLARD.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD.
JOHN BELUSHI.
JANE CURTIN.

JOHN BELUSHI.
JANE CURTIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.

JANE CURTIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.

GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.

BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST DEVO.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FRED WILLARD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FRED WILLARD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

♪ ONE NIGHT WITH YOU ♪
♪ IS WHAT I'M NOW PRAYING FOR ♪
♪ OH, THE THINGS THAT WE TWO

♪ IS WHAT I'M NOW PRAYING FOR ♪
♪ OH, THE THINGS THAT WE TWO
COULD PLAN ♪

♪ OH, THE THINGS THAT WE TWO
COULD PLAN ♪
♪ WOULD MAKE MY DREAMS COME

COULD PLAN ♪
♪ WOULD MAKE MY DREAMS COME
TRUE ♪

♪ WOULD MAKE MY DREAMS COME
TRUE ♪
♪ JUST CALL MY NAME ♪

TRUE ♪
♪ JUST CALL MY NAME ♪
♪ AND I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR

♪ JUST CALL MY NAME ♪
♪ AND I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR
SIDE ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR
SIDE ♪
♪ I WANT YOUR SWEET HELPING

SIDE ♪
♪ I WANT YOUR SWEET HELPING
HAND ♪

♪ I WANT YOUR SWEET HELPING
HAND ♪
♪ MY LOVE'S TOO STRONG TO HIDE ♪

♪ ALWAYS LIVED A VERY QUIET
LIFE ♪
♪ I AIN'T NEVER, I AIN'T NEVER

LIFE ♪
♪ I AIN'T NEVER, I AIN'T NEVER
DONE NO WRONG ♪

♪ I AIN'T NEVER, I AIN'T NEVER
DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ BUT NOW I KNOW MY LIFE WITHOUT

DONE NO WRONG ♪
♪ BUT NOW I KNOW MY LIFE WITHOUT
YOU ♪

♪ BUT NOW I KNOW MY LIFE WITHOUT
YOU ♪
♪ HAS BEEN TOO LONELY TOO LONG ♪

YOU ♪
♪ HAS BEEN TOO LONELY TOO LONG ♪
♪ ONE NIGHT WITH YOU ♪

♪ HAS BEEN TOO LONELY TOO LONG ♪
♪ ONE NIGHT WITH YOU ♪
♪ IS WHAT I'M NOW PRAYING FOR ♪

♪ ONE NIGHT WITH YOU ♪
♪ IS WHAT I'M NOW PRAYING FOR ♪
♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT WE TWO

♪ IS WHAT I'M NOW PRAYING FOR ♪
♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT WE TWO
COULD PLAN ♪

♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT WE TWO
COULD PLAN ♪
♪ WOULD MAKE MY DREAMS COME

COULD PLAN ♪
♪ WOULD MAKE MY DREAMS COME
TRU-U-U-U-U-U-E ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S ONLY ME!
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
IT'S ONLY ME.

[LAUGHS]
IT'S ONLY ME.
WELL, I BET YOU WERE THINKING,

IT'S ONLY ME.
WELL, I BET YOU WERE THINKING,
"GEE, WHAT AN OPENING ACT," HUH?

WELL, I BET YOU WERE THINKING,
"GEE, WHAT AN OPENING ACT," HUH?
AND THE REASON I DID THAT, AS

"GEE, WHAT AN OPENING ACT," HUH?
AND THE REASON I DID THAT, AS
KIND OF A TRIBUTE TO A GUY I SAW

AND THE REASON I DID THAT, AS
KIND OF A TRIBUTE TO A GUY I SAW
IN LAS VEGAS A WHILE BACK.

KIND OF A TRIBUTE TO A GUY I SAW
IN LAS VEGAS A WHILE BACK.
HIS NAME IS DENNIS COLT.

IN LAS VEGAS A WHILE BACK.
HIS NAME IS DENNIS COLT.
HE DOES A SHOW HE CALLS THE

HIS NAME IS DENNIS COLT.
HE DOES A SHOW HE CALLS THE
"TRIBUTE TO THE KING," AND HE

HE DOES A SHOW HE CALLS THE
"TRIBUTE TO THE KING," AND HE
DOES THAT SONG AND A LOT OF

"TRIBUTE TO THE KING," AND HE
DOES THAT SONG AND A LOT OF
GREAT SONGS...

DOES THAT SONG AND A LOT OF
GREAT SONGS...
"HEARTBREAK HOTEL,"

GREAT SONGS...
"HEARTBREAK HOTEL,"
"BLUE SUEDE SHOES,"

"HEARTBREAK HOTEL,"
"BLUE SUEDE SHOES,"
"DON'T BE CRUEL."

"BLUE SUEDE SHOES,"
"DON'T BE CRUEL."
AND HE'S GOT A VERY DYNAMIC

"DON'T BE CRUEL."
AND HE'S GOT A VERY DYNAMIC
QUALITY.

AND HE'S GOT A VERY DYNAMIC
QUALITY.
HE SHOULD BE A STAR VERY SOON.

QUALITY.
HE SHOULD BE A STAR VERY SOON.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S NOT NOW.

HE SHOULD BE A STAR VERY SOON.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S NOT NOW.
ANYWAY, IT'S A HECK OF A

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S NOT NOW.
ANYWAY, IT'S A HECK OF A
PLEASURE BEING HERE ON

ANYWAY, IT'S A HECK OF A
PLEASURE BEING HERE ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

PLEASURE BEING HERE ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
WHERE ELSE BUT AMERICA COULD YOU

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
WHERE ELSE BUT AMERICA COULD YOU
BE ON A SHOW THAT'S BROADCAST

WHERE ELSE BUT AMERICA COULD YOU
BE ON A SHOW THAT'S BROADCAST
FROM NEW YORK CITY TO

BE ON A SHOW THAT'S BROADCAST
FROM NEW YORK CITY TO
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, HUH?

FROM NEW YORK CITY TO
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, HUH?
TRY THAT IN ONE OF YOUR

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, HUH?
TRY THAT IN ONE OF YOUR
COMMUNIST COUNTRIES.

TRY THAT IN ONE OF YOUR
COMMUNIST COUNTRIES.
[LAUGHTER]

COMMUNIST COUNTRIES.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YOU... YEAH, THAT'S...

[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YOU... YEAH, THAT'S...
YOU CAN KEEP THAT AS A SOUVENIR.

I'LL TELL YOU... YEAH, THAT'S...
YOU CAN KEEP THAT AS A SOUVENIR.
HEY, I'M STILL MOVING.

YOU CAN KEEP THAT AS A SOUVENIR.
HEY, I'M STILL MOVING.
I'M STANDING STILL, BUT THE SUIT

HEY, I'M STILL MOVING.
I'M STANDING STILL, BUT THE SUIT
IS MOVING.

I'M STANDING STILL, BUT THE SUIT
IS MOVING.
ANYHOW, UH, MANY PEOPLE ASK ME,

IS MOVING.
ANYHOW, UH, MANY PEOPLE ASK ME,
THEY SAY, "HEY, FRED, ARE YOU AS

ANYHOW, UH, MANY PEOPLE ASK ME,
THEY SAY, "HEY, FRED, ARE YOU AS
STUPID IN REAL LIFE AS THAT GUY

THEY SAY, "HEY, FRED, ARE YOU AS
STUPID IN REAL LIFE AS THAT GUY
JERRY HUBBARD THAT YOU PLAYED ON

STUPID IN REAL LIFE AS THAT GUY
JERRY HUBBARD THAT YOU PLAYED ON
'AMERICA 2-NIGHT'?"

JERRY HUBBARD THAT YOU PLAYED ON
'AMERICA 2-NIGHT'?"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'AMERICA 2-NIGHT'?"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHUCKLES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHUCKLES]
I THINK THAT GOES WITHOUT

[CHUCKLES]
I THINK THAT GOES WITHOUT
SAYING.

I THINK THAT GOES WITHOUT
SAYING.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I-I THINK

SAYING.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I-I THINK
THERE'S... YOU KNOW, THE SAME

BUT, YOU KNOW, I-I THINK
THERE'S... YOU KNOW, THE SAME
PEOPLE ASK ME THAT OVER AND

THERE'S... YOU KNOW, THE SAME
PEOPLE ASK ME THAT OVER AND
OVER AGAIN, AND I HATE TO REPEAT

PEOPLE ASK ME THAT OVER AND
OVER AGAIN, AND I HATE TO REPEAT
MYSELF.

OVER AGAIN, AND I HATE TO REPEAT
MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, I FEEL, IF YOU REPEAT

MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, I FEEL, IF YOU REPEAT
YOURSELF, IT'S A SIGN OF

YOU KNOW, I FEEL, IF YOU REPEAT
YOURSELF, IT'S A SIGN OF
IGNORANCE, AND IF I'VE SAID THAT

YOURSELF, IT'S A SIGN OF
IGNORANCE, AND IF I'VE SAID THAT
ONCE, I'VE SAID IT A THOUSAND

IGNORANCE, AND IF I'VE SAID THAT
ONCE, I'VE SAID IT A THOUSAND
TIMES.

ONCE, I'VE SAID IT A THOUSAND
TIMES.
REALLY, BUT I FEEL THAT THERE'S

TIMES.
REALLY, BUT I FEEL THAT THERE'S
A LITTLE BIT OF THAT QUALITY,

REALLY, BUT I FEEL THAT THERE'S
A LITTLE BIT OF THAT QUALITY,
THAT CHARACTER IN EVERYBODY.

A LITTLE BIT OF THAT QUALITY,
THAT CHARACTER IN EVERYBODY.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.

THAT CHARACTER IN EVERYBODY.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
HOW MANY OF YOU HERE HAVE DRIVEN

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
HOW MANY OF YOU HERE HAVE DRIVEN
OUT TO AN AIRPORT... AS YOU'RE

HOW MANY OF YOU HERE HAVE DRIVEN
OUT TO AN AIRPORT... AS YOU'RE
ABOUT TO PULL IN, YOU STOP AND

OUT TO AN AIRPORT... AS YOU'RE
ABOUT TO PULL IN, YOU STOP AND
YOU LOOK UP AT THE SIGN AND SAY,

ABOUT TO PULL IN, YOU STOP AND
YOU LOOK UP AT THE SIGN AND SAY,
"NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU LOOK UP AT THE SIGN AND SAY,
"NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
AM I AN ARRIVAL OR A DEPARTURE?

"NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
AM I AN ARRIVAL OR A DEPARTURE?
I'M DEPARTING IN A PLANE, BUT

AM I AN ARRIVAL OR A DEPARTURE?
I'M DEPARTING IN A PLANE, BUT
I'M ARRIVING IN A CAR!"

I'M DEPARTING IN A PLANE, BUT
I'M ARRIVING IN A CAR!"
WELL, EVERYBODY DOES.

I'M ARRIVING IN A CAR!"
WELL, EVERYBODY DOES.
YEAH.

WELL, EVERYBODY DOES.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO CHANGE

YEAH.
THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO CHANGE
THE SIGN AND PUT UP "ARRIVING

THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO CHANGE
THE SIGN AND PUT UP "ARRIVING
FLIGHTS" AND "DEPARTING

THE SIGN AND PUT UP "ARRIVING
FLIGHTS" AND "DEPARTING
FLIGHTS."

FLIGHTS" AND "DEPARTING
FLIGHTS."
I WANTED TO PUT UP A SIGN THAT

FLIGHTS."
I WANTED TO PUT UP A SIGN THAT
SAYS "OKAY."

I WANTED TO PUT UP A SIGN THAT
SAYS "OKAY."
OR IF YOU DRIVE ALONG A MOUNTAIN

SAYS "OKAY."
OR IF YOU DRIVE ALONG A MOUNTAIN
ROAD AND YOU SEE A SIGN THAT

OR IF YOU DRIVE ALONG A MOUNTAIN
ROAD AND YOU SEE A SIGN THAT
SAYS "WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS,"

ROAD AND YOU SEE A SIGN THAT
SAYS "WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS,"
AND YOU SAY, "WELL, I'LL GIVE

SAYS "WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS,"
AND YOU SAY, "WELL, I'LL GIVE
THEM JUST 10 MINUTES, THEN I GOT

AND YOU SAY, "WELL, I'LL GIVE
THEM JUST 10 MINUTES, THEN I GOT
TO MOVE ON."

THEM JUST 10 MINUTES, THEN I GOT
TO MOVE ON."
THE KIDS MIGHT LIKE IT, YOU

TO MOVE ON."
THE KIDS MIGHT LIKE IT, YOU
KNOW?

THE KIDS MIGHT LIKE IT, YOU
KNOW?
THEY DIDN'T SEE THE DANCING

KNOW?
THEY DIDN'T SEE THE DANCING
WATERS OR THE REPTILE FARM.

THEY DIDN'T SEE THE DANCING
WATERS OR THE REPTILE FARM.
[LAUGHTER]

WATERS OR THE REPTILE FARM.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT IT'S GREAT BEING HERE ON

[LAUGHTER]
BUT IT'S GREAT BEING HERE ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," AND WHEN

BUT IT'S GREAT BEING HERE ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," AND WHEN
THEY ASKED ME TO HOST THIS SHOW,

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," AND WHEN
THEY ASKED ME TO HOST THIS SHOW,
GEE, I WAS THRILLED, AND I'LL

THEY ASKED ME TO HOST THIS SHOW,
GEE, I WAS THRILLED, AND I'LL
TELL YOU WHY.

GEE, I WAS THRILLED, AND I'LL
TELL YOU WHY.
LIKE YOU, PROBABLY, AND THAT'S

TELL YOU WHY.
LIKE YOU, PROBABLY, AND THAT'S
THE REASON YOU'RE WATCHING, I'VE

LIKE YOU, PROBABLY, AND THAT'S
THE REASON YOU'RE WATCHING, I'VE
ALWAYS BEEN A GREAT FAN OF

THE REASON YOU'RE WATCHING, I'VE
ALWAYS BEEN A GREAT FAN OF
COMEDY.

ALWAYS BEEN A GREAT FAN OF
COMEDY.
AND THIS STARTED WHEN I WAS IN

COMEDY.
AND THIS STARTED WHEN I WAS IN
GRADE SCHOOL.

AND THIS STARTED WHEN I WAS IN
GRADE SCHOOL.
I WAS IN ABOUT SECOND OR THIRD

GRADE SCHOOL.
I WAS IN ABOUT SECOND OR THIRD
GRADE.

I WAS IN ABOUT SECOND OR THIRD
GRADE.
AND I'D LAUGH AT THE OLDER KIDS.

GRADE.
AND I'D LAUGH AT THE OLDER KIDS.
THEY WERE SOME ITALIAN KIDS IN

AND I'D LAUGH AT THE OLDER KIDS.
THEY WERE SOME ITALIAN KIDS IN
MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL.

THEY WERE SOME ITALIAN KIDS IN
MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW, I WAS IN SECOND GRADE.

MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW, I WAS IN SECOND GRADE.
THEY WERE IN FIFTH GRADE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS IN SECOND GRADE.
THEY WERE IN FIFTH GRADE.
I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO

THEY WERE IN FIFTH GRADE.
I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO
PLAY BALL WITH.

I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO
PLAY BALL WITH.
THEY WERE TRYING TO FIND A GOOD

PLAY BALL WITH.
THEY WERE TRYING TO FIND A GOOD
RAZOR TO GET A DECENT SHAVE.

THEY WERE TRYING TO FIND A GOOD
RAZOR TO GET A DECENT SHAVE.
BUT I... YOU'D SAY TO THEM,

RAZOR TO GET A DECENT SHAVE.
BUT I... YOU'D SAY TO THEM,
"HEY, TONY, YOU GOT TO GO TO THE

BUT I... YOU'D SAY TO THEM,
"HEY, TONY, YOU GOT TO GO TO THE
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE TONIGHT,

"HEY, TONY, YOU GOT TO GO TO THE
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE TONIGHT,
HUH?"

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE TONIGHT,
HUH?"
AND TONY WOULD ALWAYS SAY

HUH?"
AND TONY WOULD ALWAYS SAY
SOMETHING THAT WOULD JUST CRACK

AND TONY WOULD ALWAYS SAY
SOMETHING THAT WOULD JUST CRACK
ME UP.

SOMETHING THAT WOULD JUST CRACK
ME UP.
HE'D SAY, "YEP, I GOT YOUR

ME UP.
HE'D SAY, "YEP, I GOT YOUR
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT HERE,

HE'D SAY, "YEP, I GOT YOUR
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT HERE,
HUH?"

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT HERE,
HUH?"
[LAUGHTER]

HUH?"
[LAUGHTER]
AND I THINK IT WAS MY VIVID

[LAUGHTER]
AND I THINK IT WAS MY VIVID
IMAGINATION.

AND I THINK IT WAS MY VIVID
IMAGINATION.
I CAN JUST PICTURE OUR

IMAGINATION.
I CAN JUST PICTURE OUR
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT DOWN

I CAN JUST PICTURE OUR
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT DOWN
THERE WITH OUR PRINCIPAL SAYING,

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT DOWN
THERE WITH OUR PRINCIPAL SAYING,
"WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS MAN'S

THERE WITH OUR PRINCIPAL SAYING,
"WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS MAN'S
TROUSERS?

"WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS MAN'S
TROUSERS?
MY FILES ARE FALLING DOWN HIS

TROUSERS?
MY FILES ARE FALLING DOWN HIS
PANT LEG."

MY FILES ARE FALLING DOWN HIS
PANT LEG."
[CHUCKLES]

PANT LEG."
[CHUCKLES]
AND THEY'D ABUSE IT, TOO.

[CHUCKLES]
AND THEY'D ABUSE IT, TOO.
YOU COULD SAY, "HEY, TONY, LOOKS

AND THEY'D ABUSE IT, TOO.
YOU COULD SAY, "HEY, TONY, LOOKS
LIKE RAIN."

YOU COULD SAY, "HEY, TONY, LOOKS
LIKE RAIN."
HE'D SAY, "YEAH, I GOT YOUR RAIN

LIKE RAIN."
HE'D SAY, "YEAH, I GOT YOUR RAIN
RIGHT HERE, HUH?"

HE'D SAY, "YEAH, I GOT YOUR RAIN
RIGHT HERE, HUH?"
AND I'D LAUGH.

RIGHT HERE, HUH?"
AND I'D LAUGH.
"WHAT'S THAT KID LAUGHING

AND I'D LAUGH.
"WHAT'S THAT KID LAUGHING
ABOUT?

"WHAT'S THAT KID LAUGHING
ABOUT?
GET HIM OUT OF HERE."

ABOUT?
GET HIM OUT OF HERE."
AND I WAS ALSO A FRUSTRATED

GET HIM OUT OF HERE."
AND I WAS ALSO A FRUSTRATED
ATHLETE, A BASEBALL PLAYER, AND

AND I WAS ALSO A FRUSTRATED
ATHLETE, A BASEBALL PLAYER, AND
I HAD GREAT RESPECT FOR

ATHLETE, A BASEBALL PLAYER, AND
I HAD GREAT RESPECT FOR
ATHLETES, AND I OFTEN THOUGHT,

I HAD GREAT RESPECT FOR
ATHLETES, AND I OFTEN THOUGHT,
"WHAT WOULD MAKE AN ATHLETE

ATHLETES, AND I OFTEN THOUGHT,
"WHAT WOULD MAKE AN ATHLETE
LAUGH?"

"WHAT WOULD MAKE AN ATHLETE
LAUGH?"
LIKE, IF THERE WAS

LAUGH?"
LIKE, IF THERE WAS
THURMAN MUNSON OF THE YANKEES

LIKE, IF THERE WAS
THURMAN MUNSON OF THE YANKEES
HERE IN THE AUDIENCE, IF I COULD

THURMAN MUNSON OF THE YANKEES
HERE IN THE AUDIENCE, IF I COULD
MAKE HIM LAUGH... WHAT KIND OF

HERE IN THE AUDIENCE, IF I COULD
MAKE HIM LAUGH... WHAT KIND OF
SENSE OF HUMOR DOES HE HAVE?

MAKE HIM LAUGH... WHAT KIND OF
SENSE OF HUMOR DOES HE HAVE?
HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE HOME A

SENSE OF HUMOR DOES HE HAVE?
HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE HOME A
RECORD OF NOEL COWARD SINGING

HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE HOME A
RECORD OF NOEL COWARD SINGING
"MAD DOGS AND ENGLISHMEN," YOU

RECORD OF NOEL COWARD SINGING
"MAD DOGS AND ENGLISHMEN," YOU
KNOW, AND GET LAUGHS FROM THAT.

"MAD DOGS AND ENGLISHMEN," YOU
KNOW, AND GET LAUGHS FROM THAT.
THAT DUGOUT HUMOR IS PROBABLY A

KNOW, AND GET LAUGHS FROM THAT.
THAT DUGOUT HUMOR IS PROBABLY A
LITTLE MORE BASIC, LIKE, "HEY,

THAT DUGOUT HUMOR IS PROBABLY A
LITTLE MORE BASIC, LIKE, "HEY,
MUNSON, IS THIS YOUR JOCK OR IS

LITTLE MORE BASIC, LIKE, "HEY,
MUNSON, IS THIS YOUR JOCK OR IS
THIS TOM THUMB'S SLINGSHOT?"

MUNSON, IS THIS YOUR JOCK OR IS
THIS TOM THUMB'S SLINGSHOT?"
[LAUGHTER]

THIS TOM THUMB'S SLINGSHOT?"
[LAUGHTER]
"I GOT YOUR SLINGSHOT HERE.

[LAUGHTER]
"I GOT YOUR SLINGSHOT HERE.
HEY, JIM, LET'S SEE YOU GET A

"I GOT YOUR SLINGSHOT HERE.
HEY, JIM, LET'S SEE YOU GET A
BASE HIT TONIGHT, OR WHAT?

HEY, JIM, LET'S SEE YOU GET A
BASE HIT TONIGHT, OR WHAT?
HUH?"

BASE HIT TONIGHT, OR WHAT?
HUH?"
[LAUGHTER]

HUH?"
[LAUGHTER]
OR PRIESTS OR REVERENDS, YOU

[LAUGHTER]
OR PRIESTS OR REVERENDS, YOU
KNOW, YOU SEE THEM LAUGH, AND

OR PRIESTS OR REVERENDS, YOU
KNOW, YOU SEE THEM LAUGH, AND
THEY HAVE THEIR ECCLESIASTICAL

KNOW, YOU SEE THEM LAUGH, AND
THEY HAVE THEIR ECCLESIASTICAL
HUMOR, I'M SURE.

THEY HAVE THEIR ECCLESIASTICAL
HUMOR, I'M SURE.
WE WOULDN'T LAUGH AT IT, BUT

HUMOR, I'M SURE.
WE WOULDN'T LAUGH AT IT, BUT
IT'S THEIR OWN.

WE WOULDN'T LAUGH AT IT, BUT
IT'S THEIR OWN.
YOU COULD PICTURE, LIKE,

IT'S THEIR OWN.
YOU COULD PICTURE, LIKE,
FATHER O'BRIEN SAYING, "SAY,

YOU COULD PICTURE, LIKE,
FATHER O'BRIEN SAYING, "SAY,
FATHER KELLY, I SAW YOU TAKE

FATHER O'BRIEN SAYING, "SAY,
FATHER KELLY, I SAW YOU TAKE
SOME WINE TO THE RECTORY LAST

FATHER KELLY, I SAW YOU TAKE
SOME WINE TO THE RECTORY LAST
NIGHT.

SOME WINE TO THE RECTORY LAST
NIGHT.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

NIGHT.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"
FATHER KELLY WOULD SAY, "WELL,

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"
FATHER KELLY WOULD SAY, "WELL,
I HAD TAKEN SO MANY CONFESSIONS,

FATHER KELLY WOULD SAY, "WELL,
I HAD TAKEN SO MANY CONFESSIONS,
I THOUGHT I'D MAKE A LITTLE

I HAD TAKEN SO MANY CONFESSIONS,
I THOUGHT I'D MAKE A LITTLE
SELF-ABSOLUTION."

I THOUGHT I'D MAKE A LITTLE
SELF-ABSOLUTION."
FATHER O'BRIEN SAYS, "OH, THAT'S

SELF-ABSOLUTION."
FATHER O'BRIEN SAYS, "OH, THAT'S
JUST DELICIOUS.

FATHER O'BRIEN SAYS, "OH, THAT'S
JUST DELICIOUS.
MAY I REPEAT THAT ANECDOTE TO

JUST DELICIOUS.
MAY I REPEAT THAT ANECDOTE TO
FATHER DONAHUE?"

MAY I REPEAT THAT ANECDOTE TO
FATHER DONAHUE?"
NOW, WE WOULDN'T LAUGH AT THAT,

FATHER DONAHUE?"
NOW, WE WOULDN'T LAUGH AT THAT,
AND, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ONLY FAIR,

NOW, WE WOULDN'T LAUGH AT THAT,
AND, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ONLY FAIR,
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GONNA LAUGH

AND, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ONLY FAIR,
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GONNA LAUGH
AT SOMETHING WE MIGHT LAUGH AT.

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GONNA LAUGH
AT SOMETHING WE MIGHT LAUGH AT.
AFTER ALL, IT'S TOO MUCH TO

AT SOMETHING WE MIGHT LAUGH AT.
AFTER ALL, IT'S TOO MUCH TO
EXPECT FATHER KELLY TO SAY,

AFTER ALL, IT'S TOO MUCH TO
EXPECT FATHER KELLY TO SAY,
"BOTTLE OF WINE,

EXPECT FATHER KELLY TO SAY,
"BOTTLE OF WINE,
FATHER O'BRIEN?"

"BOTTLE OF WINE,
FATHER O'BRIEN?"
"I GOT YOUR BOTTLE OF WINE RIGHT

FATHER O'BRIEN?"
"I GOT YOUR BOTTLE OF WINE RIGHT
HERE."

"I GOT YOUR BOTTLE OF WINE RIGHT
HERE."
[LAUGHTER]

HERE."
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW?
SO THAT'S WHY I'M AS EXCITED TO

YOU KNOW?
SO THAT'S WHY I'M AS EXCITED TO
BE HERE AS YOU ARE, BECAUSE I

SO THAT'S WHY I'M AS EXCITED TO
BE HERE AS YOU ARE, BECAUSE I
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF

BE HERE AS YOU ARE, BECAUSE I
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF
COMEDY THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF
COMEDY THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR
US TONIGHT.

COMEDY THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR
US TONIGHT.
AND IT SHOULD START RIGHT ABOUT

US TONIGHT.
AND IT SHOULD START RIGHT ABOUT
NOW.

AND IT SHOULD START RIGHT ABOUT
NOW.
IT USUALLY STARTS AFTER A

NOW.
IT USUALLY STARTS AFTER A
COMMERCIAL RIGHT HERE, AND I

IT USUALLY STARTS AFTER A
COMMERCIAL RIGHT HERE, AND I
USUALLY AM SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE

COMMERCIAL RIGHT HERE, AND I
USUALLY AM SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE
THE COMMERCIAL.

USUALLY AM SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE
THE COMMERCIAL.
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING,

THE COMMERCIAL.
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING,
"WELL, WHERE IS THAT

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING,
"WELL, WHERE IS THAT
COMMERCIAL?"

"WELL, WHERE IS THAT
COMMERCIAL?"
AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS, "I GOT

COMMERCIAL?"
AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS, "I GOT
YOUR COMMERCIAL RIGHT HERE."

AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS, "I GOT
YOUR COMMERCIAL RIGHT HERE."
COME ON, HUH?

YOUR COMMERCIAL RIGHT HERE."
COME ON, HUH?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AW, MOM.
SANDWICHES AGAIN?
YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER DOESN'T

SANDWICHES AGAIN?
YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER DOESN'T
HAVE A HIGH-SCHOOL DIPLOMA.

YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER DOESN'T
HAVE A HIGH-SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
AND EVEN IF I DID HAVE A

HAVE A HIGH-SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
AND EVEN IF I DID HAVE A
BETTER JOB, WHAT GOOD WOULD IT

AND EVEN IF I DID HAVE A
BETTER JOB, WHAT GOOD WOULD IT
DO?

BETTER JOB, WHAT GOOD WOULD IT
DO?
WE'VE ALL BEEN LAID-UP SINCE THE

DO?
WE'VE ALL BEEN LAID-UP SINCE THE
AUTO ACCIDENT.

WE'VE ALL BEEN LAID-UP SINCE THE
AUTO ACCIDENT.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]

AUTO ACCIDENT.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
AND THESE BRACES TOOK MOST OF

[EXHALES DEEPLY]
AND THESE BRACES TOOK MOST OF
OUR SAVINGS.

AND THESE BRACES TOOK MOST OF
OUR SAVINGS.
BUT THE ACCIDENT WASN'T OUR

OUR SAVINGS.
BUT THE ACCIDENT WASN'T OUR
FAULT.

BUT THE ACCIDENT WASN'T OUR
FAULT.
WE SHOULD HAVE SUED THAT GUY.

FAULT.
WE SHOULD HAVE SUED THAT GUY.
SHOULDN'T WE HAVE HIRED A

WE SHOULD HAVE SUED THAT GUY.
SHOULDN'T WE HAVE HIRED A
LAWYER?

SHOULDN'T WE HAVE HIRED A
LAWYER?
SURE.

LAWYER?
SURE.
BUT HOW?

SURE.
BUT HOW?
HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS

BUT HOW?
HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS
HAPPENED TO YOU?

HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS
HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU'RE SITTING WITH YOUR FAMILY

HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU'RE SITTING WITH YOUR FAMILY
IN A PARKED CAR, A DRUNKEN MAN

YOU'RE SITTING WITH YOUR FAMILY
IN A PARKED CAR, A DRUNKEN MAN
WITHOUT INSURANCE OR A LICENSE

IN A PARKED CAR, A DRUNKEN MAN
WITHOUT INSURANCE OR A LICENSE
DELIBERATELY HITS YOU BROADSIDE

WITHOUT INSURANCE OR A LICENSE
DELIBERATELY HITS YOU BROADSIDE
AND LAYS YOU UP INDEFINITELY.

DELIBERATELY HITS YOU BROADSIDE
AND LAYS YOU UP INDEFINITELY.
YOU FEEL YOU HAVE A CLAIM BUT

AND LAYS YOU UP INDEFINITELY.
YOU FEEL YOU HAVE A CLAIM BUT
JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO.

YOU FEEL YOU HAVE A CLAIM BUT
JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO.
"LAWYERS ARE EXPENSIVE," YOU

JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO.
"LAWYERS ARE EXPENSIVE," YOU
SAY?

"LAWYERS ARE EXPENSIVE," YOU
SAY?
NOT WHEN YOU COME TO TWO GUYS

SAY?
NOT WHEN YOU COME TO TWO GUYS
WHO ARE LAWYERS, THE DISCOUNT

NOT WHEN YOU COME TO TWO GUYS
WHO ARE LAWYERS, THE DISCOUNT
LAW FIRM.

WHO ARE LAWYERS, THE DISCOUNT
LAW FIRM.
TELL 'EM, JERRY.

LAW FIRM.
TELL 'EM, JERRY.
SURE, ART.

TELL 'EM, JERRY.
SURE, ART.
NOW THAT ATTORNEYS CAN

SURE, ART.
NOW THAT ATTORNEYS CAN
ADVERTISE, WE ASK YOU TO SHOP

NOW THAT ATTORNEYS CAN
ADVERTISE, WE ASK YOU TO SHOP
AROUND, AND YOU'LL AGREE THAT WE

ADVERTISE, WE ASK YOU TO SHOP
AROUND, AND YOU'LL AGREE THAT WE
TWO GUYS UNDERSELL ALL OF OUR

AROUND, AND YOU'LL AGREE THAT WE
TWO GUYS UNDERSELL ALL OF OUR
COMPETITORS AND GIVE YOU THE

TWO GUYS UNDERSELL ALL OF OUR
COMPETITORS AND GIVE YOU THE
BEST LEGAL SERVICES FOR YOUR

COMPETITORS AND GIVE YOU THE
BEST LEGAL SERVICES FOR YOUR
MONEY.

I'M A SURGEON.

A STEADY HAND IS MY LIVELIHOOD.

ONE DAY, MY STEADY HAND

ACCIDENTALLY REPLACED A

PATIENT'S KIDNEY WITH A

TELEPHONE.

I WENT TO THE TWO GUYS.
IS THAT IT, JERRY?
NOT IN THE LEAST, ART.

IS THAT IT, JERRY?
NOT IN THE LEAST, ART.
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CASE IS, WE

NOT IN THE LEAST, ART.
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CASE IS, WE
WANT TO BE OF SERVICE TO YOU.

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CASE IS, WE
WANT TO BE OF SERVICE TO YOU.
OUR STAFF IS COMPOSED OF

WANT TO BE OF SERVICE TO YOU.
OUR STAFF IS COMPOSED OF
TRAINED, COURTEOUS, AND FRIENDLY

OUR STAFF IS COMPOSED OF
TRAINED, COURTEOUS, AND FRIENDLY
INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE EXPERTS IN

TRAINED, COURTEOUS, AND FRIENDLY
INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE EXPERTS IN
CORPORATE TAX, DIVORCE,

INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE EXPERTS IN
CORPORATE TAX, DIVORCE,
CRIMINAL, ENTERTAINMENT, AND

CORPORATE TAX, DIVORCE,
CRIMINAL, ENTERTAINMENT, AND
CONSTITUTIONAL LAW.

I HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO ATTEND

THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI.

BUT AS A BLACK MAN, I FOUND ITS

DOORS CLOSED TO ME.

THEN SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE
CONSTITUTIONAL DEPARTMENT, LAW
DEPARTMENT, THAT THE TWO GUYS

CONSTITUTIONAL DEPARTMENT, LAW
DEPARTMENT, THAT THE TWO GUYS
HAVE.

DEPARTMENT, THAT THE TWO GUYS
HAVE.
THEY HELPED ME GET INTO

HAVE.
THEY HELPED ME GET INTO
OLE MISS, AND NOW I'VE GOT MY

THEY HELPED ME GET INTO
OLE MISS, AND NOW I'VE GOT MY
MASTER'S.

OLE MISS, AND NOW I'VE GOT MY
MASTER'S.
THANKS, GUYS.

MASTER'S.
THANKS, GUYS.
THAT MUST BE IT, JERRY.

THANKS, GUYS.
THAT MUST BE IT, JERRY.
NO, NOT YET, ART.

THAT MUST BE IT, JERRY.
NO, NOT YET, ART.
WE WILL STAND BY OUR CLIENTS.

NO, NOT YET, ART.
WE WILL STAND BY OUR CLIENTS.
THAT'S THE TWO GUYS WHO ARE

WE WILL STAND BY OUR CLIENTS.
THAT'S THE TWO GUYS WHO ARE
LAWYERS GUARANTEE.

THAT'S THE TWO GUYS WHO ARE
LAWYERS GUARANTEE.
IF YOUR CASE SHOULD LOSE IN A

LAWYERS GUARANTEE.
IF YOUR CASE SHOULD LOSE IN A
LOWER COURT, WE WILL TAKE IT AS

IF YOUR CASE SHOULD LOSE IN A
LOWER COURT, WE WILL TAKE IT AS
FAR AS NECESSARY... EVEN ALL THE

LOWER COURT, WE WILL TAKE IT AS
FAR AS NECESSARY... EVEN ALL THE
WAY TO THE SUPREME COURT.

FAR AS NECESSARY... EVEN ALL THE
WAY TO THE SUPREME COURT.
THAT'S RIGHT...

WAY TO THE SUPREME COURT.
THAT'S RIGHT...
WASHINGTON, D.C.

WHY SPEND $1,200,000 TO

DEFEND YOURSELF IN COURT?

REALLY, F. LEE BAILEY IS OKAY,

BUT NEXT TIME I GET KIDNAPPED,

I'M GOING TO THE TWO GUYS.

NOW, JERRY?
YES... NOW, ART.
♪ FOR LEGAL PROBLEMS, WHATEVER

YES... NOW, ART.
♪ FOR LEGAL PROBLEMS, WHATEVER
THE SIZE ♪

♪ FOR LEGAL PROBLEMS, WHATEVER
THE SIZE ♪
♪ HOP IN YOUR CAR AND COME

THE SIZE ♪
♪ HOP IN YOUR CAR AND COME
DOWN TO TWO GUYS ♪

♪ HOP IN YOUR CAR AND COME
DOWN TO TWO GUYS ♪
[BELL DINGS]

[BELL DINGS]
NOW AT THREE LOCATIONS...

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH
THIS, GROGAN!
DON'T COUNT ON IT, SISTER.

THIS, GROGAN!
DON'T COUNT ON IT, SISTER.
UGH! UGH!

DON'T COUNT ON IT, SISTER.
UGH! UGH!
ONE STEP CLOSER, McGARITY,

UGH! UGH!
ONE STEP CLOSER, McGARITY,
AND I LET YOUR LOVELY LITTLE

ONE STEP CLOSER, McGARITY,
AND I LET YOUR LOVELY LITTLE
FRIEND HAVE IT AND THROW HER

AND I LET YOUR LOVELY LITTLE
FRIEND HAVE IT AND THROW HER
OVER THE SIDE, 17 STORIES BELOW.

FRIEND HAVE IT AND THROW HER
OVER THE SIDE, 17 STORIES BELOW.
THE POLICE HAVE SURROUNDED,

OVER THE SIDE, 17 STORIES BELOW.
THE POLICE HAVE SURROUNDED,
GROGAN.

THE POLICE HAVE SURROUNDED,
GROGAN.
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE.

GROGAN.
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE.
NOW, JUST LET THE GIRL GO, MAN,

YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE.
NOW, JUST LET THE GIRL GO, MAN,
AND, YOU KNOW, WE'LL GUARANTEE

NOW, JUST LET THE GIRL GO, MAN,
AND, YOU KNOW, WE'LL GUARANTEE
YOU WON'T GET THE CHAIR.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE'LL GUARANTEE
YOU WON'T GET THE CHAIR.
OH, DON'T! DON'T!

YOU WON'T GET THE CHAIR.
OH, DON'T! DON'T!
DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, MATT!

OH, DON'T! DON'T!
DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, MATT!
HE MEANS IT!

DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, MATT!
HE MEANS IT!
OKAY, GROGAN, DROP THE GUN!

HE MEANS IT!
OKAY, GROGAN, DROP THE GUN!
AAH!

OKAY, GROGAN, DROP THE GUN!
AAH!
[GUNSHOT]

AAH!
[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!

[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!
CUT! CUT!

AAAAAAAAH!
CUT! CUT!
OKAY, EVERYONE, THAT WAS

CUT! CUT!
OKAY, EVERYONE, THAT WAS
STUNNING, JUST STUNNING.

OKAY, EVERYONE, THAT WAS
STUNNING, JUST STUNNING.
EVERYONE, THAT'S A KEEPER.

STUNNING, JUST STUNNING.
EVERYONE, THAT'S A KEEPER.
THANK YOU.

EVERYONE, THAT'S A KEEPER.
THANK YOU.
OKAY, GET CLIFF PRESTON OUT OF

THANK YOU.
OKAY, GET CLIFF PRESTON OUT OF
HIS TRAILER.

OKAY, GET CLIFF PRESTON OUT OF
HIS TRAILER.
IT'S TIME FOR THE STUNT.

HIS TRAILER.
IT'S TIME FOR THE STUNT.
THANK YOU, ERIC.

IT'S TIME FOR THE STUNT.
THANK YOU, ERIC.
THAT WAS PERFECTO.

THANK YOU, ERIC.
THAT WAS PERFECTO.
OKAY, CLIFF PRESTON'S GOING TO

THAT WAS PERFECTO.
OKAY, CLIFF PRESTON'S GOING TO
BE DOING YOUR FATAL PLUNGE.

OKAY, CLIFF PRESTON'S GOING TO
BE DOING YOUR FATAL PLUNGE.
HE'S THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS,

BE DOING YOUR FATAL PLUNGE.
HE'S THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS,
SO LET'S MAKE SURE WE HAVE

HE'S THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS,
SO LET'S MAKE SURE WE HAVE
CONTINUITY TO MAKE EDITING A

SO LET'S MAKE SURE WE HAVE
CONTINUITY TO MAKE EDITING A
LITTLE EASIER.

CONTINUITY TO MAKE EDITING A
LITTLE EASIER.
WHAT HAND WERE YOU HOLDING THE

LITTLE EASIER.
WHAT HAND WERE YOU HOLDING THE
GUN IN, ERIC?

WHAT HAND WERE YOU HOLDING THE
GUN IN, ERIC?
UH, MY RIGHT, I THINK.

GUN IN, ERIC?
UH, MY RIGHT, I THINK.
NO, WAIT... MY LEFT.

UH, MY RIGHT, I THINK.
NO, WAIT... MY LEFT.
NO, MY RIGHT OR MY LEFT.

NO, WAIT... MY LEFT.
NO, MY RIGHT OR MY LEFT.
I'M NOT SURE.

NO, MY RIGHT OR MY LEFT.
I'M NOT SURE.
IRENE, CONTINUITY.

I'M NOT SURE.
IRENE, CONTINUITY.
UH, THE RIGHT HAND WITH THE

IRENE, CONTINUITY.
UH, THE RIGHT HAND WITH THE
GUN IS UNDER THE RIB CAGES, AND

UH, THE RIGHT HAND WITH THE
GUN IS UNDER THE RIB CAGES, AND
SHARON IS LEANING BACK ON THE

GUN IS UNDER THE RIB CAGES, AND
SHARON IS LEANING BACK ON THE
STAIRWAY, HER HAND CLUTCHING THE

SHARON IS LEANING BACK ON THE
STAIRWAY, HER HAND CLUTCHING THE
RAILING.

STAIRWAY, HER HAND CLUTCHING THE
RAILING.
THANK YOU, IRENE.

RAILING.
THANK YOU, IRENE.
OKAY, ERIC, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A

THANK YOU, IRENE.
OKAY, ERIC, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
WELL-DESERVED BREAK WHILE WE GET

OKAY, ERIC, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
WELL-DESERVED BREAK WHILE WE GET
THIS STUNT ON CELLULOID.

WELL-DESERVED BREAK WHILE WE GET
THIS STUNT ON CELLULOID.
IT SHOULDN'T TAKE MORE THAN FIVE

THIS STUNT ON CELLULOID.
IT SHOULDN'T TAKE MORE THAN FIVE
OR 10 MINUTES.

IT SHOULDN'T TAKE MORE THAN FIVE
OR 10 MINUTES.
WE GOT CLIFF PRESTON PLAYING

OR 10 MINUTES.
WE GOT CLIFF PRESTON PLAYING
YOUR PART, OKAY?

WE GOT CLIFF PRESTON PLAYING
YOUR PART, OKAY?
CAN YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO

YOUR PART, OKAY?
CAN YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO
YOUR TRAILER?

CAN YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO
YOUR TRAILER?
YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

YOUR TRAILER?
YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
GOOD.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
GOOD.
THERE'S A TROUPER.

GOOD.
THERE'S A TROUPER.
I'LL SHOW HIM.

THERE'S A TROUPER.
I'LL SHOW HIM.
THANKS.

I'LL SHOW HIM.
THANKS.
UH, IS CLIFF PRESTON HERE?

THANKS.
UH, IS CLIFF PRESTON HERE?
HERE HE COMES NOW.

UH, IS CLIFF PRESTON HERE?
HERE HE COMES NOW.
HERE'S MY GUY.

HERE HE COMES NOW.
HERE'S MY GUY.
COME ON.

[COUGHS]
HI, GUYS.
HOW ARE YOU?

HI, GUYS.
HOW ARE YOU?
NED.

HOW ARE YOU?
NED.
HEY, NED.

NED.
HEY, NED.
HOW YOU DOING, CLIFF?

HEY, NED.
HOW YOU DOING, CLIFF?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE

HOW YOU DOING, CLIFF?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE
"TOWERING INFERNO."

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE
"TOWERING INFERNO."
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

"TOWERING INFERNO."
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
HEY, UH, YOU GOT FILM IN THIS

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
HEY, UH, YOU GOT FILM IN THIS
CAMERA?

HEY, UH, YOU GOT FILM IN THIS
CAMERA?
[BOTH LAUGH]

CAMERA?
[BOTH LAUGH]
HEY, CLIFF.

[BOTH LAUGH]
HEY, CLIFF.
YOU'RE WORKING TODAY, HUH?

HEY, CLIFF.
YOU'RE WORKING TODAY, HUH?
HEY, CLIFF, I WANT YOU TO SAY

YOU'RE WORKING TODAY, HUH?
HEY, CLIFF, I WANT YOU TO SAY
HELLO TO YOUR LEADING LADY,

HEY, CLIFF, I WANT YOU TO SAY
HELLO TO YOUR LEADING LADY,
SHARON MENZIES.

HELLO TO YOUR LEADING LADY,
SHARON MENZIES.
MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN HER WORK ON

SHARON MENZIES.
MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN HER WORK ON
"GALACTICA."

MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN HER WORK ON
"GALACTICA."
SHARON, HOW ARE YOU?

"GALACTICA."
SHARON, HOW ARE YOU?
[SMOOCHES]

SHARON, HOW ARE YOU?
[SMOOCHES]
HI, MR. PRESTON.

[SMOOCHES]
HI, MR. PRESTON.
I JUST LOVED WHEN THE SILO FELL

HI, MR. PRESTON.
I JUST LOVED WHEN THE SILO FELL
ON YOU IN "HOOPER."

I JUST LOVED WHEN THE SILO FELL
ON YOU IN "HOOPER."
THANK YOU.

ON YOU IN "HOOPER."
THANK YOU.
I HAD A MUCH BIGGER PART THAN

THANK YOU.
I HAD A MUCH BIGGER PART THAN
THAT, BUT THAT SILO HURT MY

I HAD A MUCH BIGGER PART THAN
THAT, BUT THAT SILO HURT MY
BACK.

THAT, BUT THAT SILO HURT MY
BACK.
[LAUGHS]

BACK.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I

[LAUGHS]
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I
GET PAID FOR.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I
GET PAID FOR.
YEAH, YOU PEOPLE ARE A

GET PAID FOR.
YEAH, YOU PEOPLE ARE A
DIFFERENT BREED ALTOGETHER.

YEAH, YOU PEOPLE ARE A
DIFFERENT BREED ALTOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, LISTEN

DIFFERENT BREED ALTOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, LISTEN
UP.

ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, LISTEN
UP.
CLIFF, YOU AND LeVAR ARE

UP.
CLIFF, YOU AND LeVAR ARE
STRUGGLING UP CLOSE.

CLIFF, YOU AND LeVAR ARE
STRUGGLING UP CLOSE.
THERE'S A GUNSHOT.

STRUGGLING UP CLOSE.
THERE'S A GUNSHOT.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN HIT FOR

THERE'S A GUNSHOT.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN HIT FOR
ONE HORRIBLE MOMENT.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S BEEN HIT FOR
ONE HORRIBLE MOMENT.
THEN YOU TOPPLE OVER THE

ONE HORRIBLE MOMENT.
THEN YOU TOPPLE OVER THE
RAILING 17 STORIES INTO THE

THEN YOU TOPPLE OVER THE
RAILING 17 STORIES INTO THE
ALLEY BELOW.

RAILING 17 STORIES INTO THE
ALLEY BELOW.
IF WE HAVE TIME TODAY, WE'LL

ALLEY BELOW.
IF WE HAVE TIME TODAY, WE'LL
SHOOT THAT DUMMY FALL, OKAY?

IF WE HAVE TIME TODAY, WE'LL
SHOOT THAT DUMMY FALL, OKAY?
BUT WHEN YOU HIT THE MAT, CLIFF,

SHOOT THAT DUMMY FALL, OKAY?
BUT WHEN YOU HIT THE MAT, CLIFF,
REMEMBER TO FREEZE, AND DO NOT

BUT WHEN YOU HIT THE MAT, CLIFF,
REMEMBER TO FREEZE, AND DO NOT
MAKE A SOUND UNTIL LeVAR

REMEMBER TO FREEZE, AND DO NOT
MAKE A SOUND UNTIL LeVAR
FINISHES HIS "LIFE IS SO CRUEL"

MAKE A SOUND UNTIL LeVAR
FINISHES HIS "LIFE IS SO CRUEL"
SPEECH, OR YOU'LL BE IN THE

FINISHES HIS "LIFE IS SO CRUEL"
SPEECH, OR YOU'LL BE IN THE
CAMERA SHOT, OKAY?

SPEECH, OR YOU'LL BE IN THE
CAMERA SHOT, OKAY?
OKAY.

CAMERA SHOT, OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY.
LET'S, UH, BRING OUT MY

OKAY.
LET'S, UH, BRING OUT MY
MATTRESS.

LET'S, UH, BRING OUT MY
MATTRESS.
ALL RIGHT.

MATTRESS.
ALL RIGHT.
SHALL WE REHEARSE IT?

ALL RIGHT.
SHALL WE REHEARSE IT?
NO. WE'LL JUST DO IT.

SHALL WE REHEARSE IT?
NO. WE'LL JUST DO IT.
I ONLY WANT TO DO THIS ONCE.

NO. WE'LL JUST DO IT.
I ONLY WANT TO DO THIS ONCE.
OKAY, PLACES, EVERYBODY.

I ONLY WANT TO DO THIS ONCE.
OKAY, PLACES, EVERYBODY.
OKAY.

OKAY, PLACES, EVERYBODY.
OKAY.
LET'S GET THAT MATTRESS DOWN

OKAY.
LET'S GET THAT MATTRESS DOWN
HERE.

LET'S GET THAT MATTRESS DOWN
HERE.
OVER THIS WAY.

HERE.
OVER THIS WAY.
COME ON, FELLAS.

OVER THIS WAY.
COME ON, FELLAS.
ABOUT 6 INCHES MORE THIS WAY.

COME ON, FELLAS.
ABOUT 6 INCHES MORE THIS WAY.
ALL RIGHT, HO!

ABOUT 6 INCHES MORE THIS WAY.
ALL RIGHT, HO!
OKAY, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, HO!
OKAY, THANK YOU.
OKAY... SOUND.

OKAY, THANK YOU.
OKAY... SOUND.
OKAY, READY. LET'S DO IT.

OKAY... SOUND.
OKAY, READY. LET'S DO IT.
SPEED.

OKAY, READY. LET'S DO IT.
SPEED.
ROLLING.

SPEED.
ROLLING.
"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"

ROLLING.
"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"
DEATH FALL... TAKE 1.

"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"
DEATH FALL... TAKE 1.
ACTION!

DEATH FALL... TAKE 1.
ACTION!
[GUNSHOT]

ACTION!
[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!

[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!
DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.

AAAAAAAAH!
DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.
OW! AAH! AAH!

DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.
OW! AAH! AAH!
THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!

OW! AAH! AAH!
THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!
THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!

THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!
THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!
CAN WE GET A NURSE ON THE SET

THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE!
CAN WE GET A NURSE ON THE SET
HERE?

CAN WE GET A NURSE ON THE SET
HERE?
WHAT IF IT'S A PIECE OF DUST

HERE?
WHAT IF IT'S A PIECE OF DUST
OR SOMETHING?

WHAT IF IT'S A PIECE OF DUST
OR SOMETHING?
AAH!

OR SOMETHING?
AAH!
YOU SEE IT?

AAH!
YOU SEE IT?
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

YOU SEE IT?
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
CAN WE DO THE SHOT ONCE MORE

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
CAN WE DO THE SHOT ONCE MORE
BEFORE WE TAKE YOU TO THE

CAN WE DO THE SHOT ONCE MORE
BEFORE WE TAKE YOU TO THE
HOSPITAL, THOUGH?

BEFORE WE TAKE YOU TO THE
HOSPITAL, THOUGH?
OOH, THAT MUST HURT, MAN.

HOSPITAL, THOUGH?
OOH, THAT MUST HURT, MAN.
WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING.

OOH, THAT MUST HURT, MAN.
WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING.
YOU SEE ANYTHING HERE?

WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING.
YOU SEE ANYTHING HERE?
OH, COME ON, IT HURTS ME!

YOU SEE ANYTHING HERE?
OH, COME ON, IT HURTS ME!
I DON'T SEE A THING.

OH, COME ON, IT HURTS ME!
I DON'T SEE A THING.
I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.

I DON'T SEE A THING.
I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE?

I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE?
CAN WE DO IT ONE MORE TIME

THERE'S NOTHING THERE?
CAN WE DO IT ONE MORE TIME
BEFORE WE TREAT YOU?

CAN WE DO IT ONE MORE TIME
BEFORE WE TREAT YOU?
OKAY.

BEFORE WE TREAT YOU?
OKAY.
DO THE SCENE AGAIN.

OKAY.
DO THE SCENE AGAIN.
BUT LET'S HURRY, OKAY?

DO THE SCENE AGAIN.
BUT LET'S HURRY, OKAY?
OKAY, HE'S GOING TO DO IT

BUT LET'S HURRY, OKAY?
OKAY, HE'S GOING TO DO IT
AGAIN.

OKAY, HE'S GOING TO DO IT
AGAIN.
PLACES, EVERYBODY.

AGAIN.
PLACES, EVERYBODY.
SOUND, PLEASE!

PLACES, EVERYBODY.
SOUND, PLEASE!
ROLLING.

SOUND, PLEASE!
ROLLING.
"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"

ROLLING.
"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"
DEATH FALL... TAKE 2.

"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"
DEATH FALL... TAKE 2.
AND ACTION!

DEATH FALL... TAKE 2.
AND ACTION!
[GUNSHOT]

AND ACTION!
[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!

[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!
AAH!

AAAAAAAAH!
AAH!
DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.

AAH!
DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.
LIFE IS SO CRUEL.

DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.
LIFE IS SO CRUEL.
AAAH!

LIFE IS SO CRUEL.
AAAH!
DAMN IT!

AAAH!
DAMN IT!
THAT'S AN OLD WRESTLING INJURY

DAMN IT!
THAT'S AN OLD WRESTLING INJURY
TO MY ARM!

THAT'S AN OLD WRESTLING INJURY
TO MY ARM!
AAH!

TO MY ARM!
AAH!
IS THE NURSE HERE ON THE SET

AAH!
IS THE NURSE HERE ON THE SET
AGAIN?

IS THE NURSE HERE ON THE SET
AGAIN?
SHOULD WE CALL A DOCTOR, AN

AGAIN?
SHOULD WE CALL A DOCTOR, AN
AMBULANCE?

SHOULD WE CALL A DOCTOR, AN
AMBULANCE?
IS ANYONE HERE?

AMBULANCE?
IS ANYONE HERE?
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

IS ANYONE HERE?
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
NO, PULL IT, NIGEL!

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
NO, PULL IT, NIGEL!
PULL ON IT! PULL ON IT!

NO, PULL IT, NIGEL!
PULL ON IT! PULL ON IT!
IS THAT THE BEST THING TO DO?

PULL ON IT! PULL ON IT!
IS THAT THE BEST THING TO DO?
MAYBE IT'S BROKEN.

IS THAT THE BEST THING TO DO?
MAYBE IT'S BROKEN.
PULL ON IT, PLEASE!

MAYBE IT'S BROKEN.
PULL ON IT, PLEASE!
COME ON!

PULL ON IT, PLEASE!
COME ON!
COME ON.

COME ON!
COME ON.
[CRACKING]

COME ON.
[CRACKING]
OH, GOD.

[CRACKING]
OH, GOD.
OH, IT SNAPPED BACK.

OH, GOD.
OH, IT SNAPPED BACK.
OH, GOD.

OH, IT SNAPPED BACK.
OH, GOD.
YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, GOD.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
CLIFF, SHOULD WE CALL AN

YOU ALL RIGHT?
CLIFF, SHOULD WE CALL AN
AMBULANCE?

CLIFF, SHOULD WE CALL AN
AMBULANCE?
OHHH.

AMBULANCE?
OHHH.
YEAH, MAYBE YOU BETTER.

OHHH.
YEAH, MAYBE YOU BETTER.
UGH.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU BETTER.
UGH.
BUT I WANT TO DO THIS SCENE

UGH.
BUT I WANT TO DO THIS SCENE
BEFORE I GO.

BUT I WANT TO DO THIS SCENE
BEFORE I GO.
I MEAN THAT.

BEFORE I GO.
I MEAN THAT.
OH, MY GOSH.

I MEAN THAT.
OH, MY GOSH.
WHAT GUTS.

OH, MY GOSH.
WHAT GUTS.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?

WHAT GUTS.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DID YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, QUIET ON THE SET.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, QUIET ON THE SET.
HE'S GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, QUIET ON THE SET.
HE'S GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN.
LET'S CAPTURE THIS ONE ON

HE'S GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN.
LET'S CAPTURE THIS ONE ON
CELLULOID FOR ETERNITY.

LET'S CAPTURE THIS ONE ON
CELLULOID FOR ETERNITY.
CLIFF, YOU'RE ONE KIND OF A GUY,

CELLULOID FOR ETERNITY.
CLIFF, YOU'RE ONE KIND OF A GUY,
BABY.

CLIFF, YOU'RE ONE KIND OF A GUY,
BABY.
HELP HIM UP THERE.

BABY.
HELP HIM UP THERE.
PLACES, EVERYBODY.

HELP HIM UP THERE.
PLACES, EVERYBODY.
SPEED.

PLACES, EVERYBODY.
SPEED.
ROLLING.

SPEED.
ROLLING.
"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"

ROLLING.
"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"
"DEATH FALL"... TAKE 3.

"SO LONG, PRETTY LADY,"
"DEATH FALL"... TAKE 3.
AND ACTION.

"DEATH FALL"... TAKE 3.
AND ACTION.
[GUNSHOT]

AND ACTION.
[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!

[GUNSHOT]
AAAAAAAAH!
[GROANING]

AAAAAAAAH!
[GROANING]
DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.

[GROANING]
DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.
LIFE IS SO CRUEL.

DON'T LOOK, LUELLA.
LIFE IS SO CRUEL.
ALL OF US ARE LOST...

LIFE IS SO CRUEL.
ALL OF US ARE LOST...
AAH!

ALL OF US ARE LOST...
AAH!
AAH!

AAH!
AAH!
CUT, CUT.

AAH!
CUT, CUT.
HE... HE MISSED HIS MAT.

CUT, CUT.
HE... HE MISSED HIS MAT.
HE MISSED HIS MAT.

HE... HE MISSED HIS MAT.
HE MISSED HIS MAT.
CLIFF.

HE MISSED HIS MAT.
CLIFF.
HIS HEAD HIT THE FLOOR.

CLIFF.
HIS HEAD HIT THE FLOOR.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

HIS HEAD HIT THE FLOOR.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HE'S DEAD.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HE'S DEAD.
NO.

HE'S DEAD.
NO.
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE

NO.
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THIS SINCE THAT TIMEX AD IN

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THIS SINCE THAT TIMEX AD IN
ACAPULCO.

THIS SINCE THAT TIMEX AD IN
ACAPULCO.
WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY, UH...

ACAPULCO.
WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY, UH...
UNEXPECTED.

WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY, UH...
UNEXPECTED.
EVERYBODY, A MOMENT OF SILENCE

UNEXPECTED.
EVERYBODY, A MOMENT OF SILENCE
FOR THIS MAN, WHO GAVE HIS LIFE

EVERYBODY, A MOMENT OF SILENCE
FOR THIS MAN, WHO GAVE HIS LIFE
FOR OUR INDUSTRY.

FOR THIS MAN, WHO GAVE HIS LIFE
FOR OUR INDUSTRY.
HOW MANY HOURS OF SUNLIGHT DO WE

FOR OUR INDUSTRY.
HOW MANY HOURS OF SUNLIGHT DO WE
HAVE LEFT, IRENE?

HOW MANY HOURS OF SUNLIGHT DO WE
HAVE LEFT, IRENE?
TWO MORE HOURS, EASY.

HAVE LEFT, IRENE?
TWO MORE HOURS, EASY.
WELL, LET'S AT LEAST GET THAT

TWO MORE HOURS, EASY.
WELL, LET'S AT LEAST GET THAT
DUMMY FALL FROM THE TOP OF THE

WELL, LET'S AT LEAST GET THAT
DUMMY FALL FROM THE TOP OF THE
TOWER.

DUMMY FALL FROM THE TOP OF THE
TOWER.
COSTUMES, GET CLIFF HERE IN THE

TOWER.
COSTUMES, GET CLIFF HERE IN THE
CAT-BURGLAR COSTUME.

COSTUMES, GET CLIFF HERE IN THE
CAT-BURGLAR COSTUME.
UH, PROPS, GET HIM UP TO THE TOP

CAT-BURGLAR COSTUME.
UH, PROPS, GET HIM UP TO THE TOP
OF THE TOWER.

UH, PROPS, GET HIM UP TO THE TOP
OF THE TOWER.
I WANT...

OF THE TOWER.
I WANT...
WE HAVE HIM HERE UNDER CONTRACT

I WANT...
WE HAVE HIM HERE UNDER CONTRACT
TILL 6:00, DON'T WE?

WE HAVE HIM HERE UNDER CONTRACT
TILL 6:00, DON'T WE?
I WANT THREE CAMERAS ROLLING,

TILL 6:00, DON'T WE?
I WANT THREE CAMERAS ROLLING,
MAYBE A HANDHELD ON TOP, AND

I WANT THREE CAMERAS ROLLING,
MAYBE A HANDHELD ON TOP, AND
SOME MAKEUP FOR THIS MAN.

MAYBE A HANDHELD ON TOP, AND
SOME MAKEUP FOR THIS MAN.
LET'S DO IT, EVERYBODY.

SOME MAKEUP FOR THIS MAN.
LET'S DO IT, EVERYBODY.
COME ON.

LET'S DO IT, EVERYBODY.
COME ON.
LET'S MOVE IT ON THE SET.

COME ON.
LET'S MOVE IT ON THE SET.
WE'VE GOT TO GET IT DONE BEFORE

LET'S MOVE IT ON THE SET.
WE'VE GOT TO GET IT DONE BEFORE
IT CLOUDS OVER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... DEVO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["(I CAN'T GET NO)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["(I CAN'T GET NO)
SATISFACTION" PLAYS]

♪ I CAN'T GET NO
SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO

SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO
SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO
SATISFACTION ♪
♪ AND I TRY, AND I TRY ♪

SATISFACTION ♪
♪ AND I TRY, AND I TRY ♪
♪ AND I T-T-T-T-T-T-TRY, TRY ♪

♪ AND I TRY, AND I TRY ♪
♪ AND I T-T-T-T-T-T-TRY, TRY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ AND I T-T-T-T-T-T-TRY, TRY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ WHEN I'M RIDING IN MY CAR

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ WHEN I'M RIDING IN MY CAR
AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪

♪ WHEN I'M RIDING IN MY CAR
AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪
♪ HE'S TELLING ME MORE AND MORE

AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪
♪ HE'S TELLING ME MORE AND MORE
ABOUT SOME USELESS INFORMATION

♪ HE'S TELLING ME MORE AND MORE
ABOUT SOME USELESS INFORMATION
SUPPOSED TO FIRE MY

ABOUT SOME USELESS INFORMATION
SUPPOSED TO FIRE MY
IMAGINATION ♪

SUPPOSED TO FIRE MY
IMAGINATION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

IMAGINATION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO
SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO
SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO,

SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO,
NO RECEPTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO,
NO RECEPTION ♪
♪ AND I TRY, AND I TRY ♪

NO RECEPTION ♪
♪ AND I TRY, AND I TRY ♪
♪ AND I T-T-T-T-T-T-TRY, TRY ♪

♪ AND I TRY, AND I TRY ♪
♪ AND I T-T-T-T-T-T-TRY, TRY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ AND I T-T-T-T-T-T-TRY, TRY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WATCHING MY TV AND A

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WATCHING MY TV AND A
MAN COMES ON TO TELL ME

♪ WHEN I'M WATCHING MY TV AND A
MAN COMES ON TO TELL ME
HOW WHITE MY SHIRTS SHOULD BE ♪

MAN COMES ON TO TELL ME
HOW WHITE MY SHIRTS SHOULD BE ♪
♪ BUT HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE

HOW WHITE MY SHIRTS SHOULD BE ♪
♪ BUT HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE
HE DOESN'T SMOKE THE SAME

♪ BUT HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE
HE DOESN'T SMOKE THE SAME
CIGARETTES AS ME ♪

HE DOESN'T SMOKE THE SAME
CIGARETTES AS ME ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

CIGARETTES AS ME ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪
♪ AND WHEN I'M FLYING AROUND THE

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪
♪ AND WHEN I'M FLYING AROUND THE
WORLD ♪

♪ AND WHEN I'M FLYING AROUND THE
WORLD ♪
♪ AND I'M DOIN' THIS AND I'M

WORLD ♪
♪ AND I'M DOIN' THIS AND I'M
TRYIN' DO THAT ♪

♪ AND I'M DOIN' THIS AND I'M
TRYIN' DO THAT ♪
♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME

TRYIN' DO THAT ♪
♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME
GIRL ♪

♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME
GIRL ♪
♪ SHE TELLS ME, "BABY-BABY-BABY

GIRL ♪
♪ SHE TELLS ME, "BABY-BABY-BABY
BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY

♪ SHE TELLS ME, "BABY-BABY-BABY
BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY
BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY ♪

BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY
BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY ♪
♪ MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE

BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY-BABY ♪
♪ MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE
MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE

♪ MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE
MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE
BETTER COME BACK LATER NEXT

MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE-MAYBE
BETTER COME BACK LATER NEXT
WEEK" ♪

BETTER COME BACK LATER NEXT
WEEK" ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, YOU SEE, I'M ON A

WEEK" ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, YOU SEE, I'M ON A
LOSING STREAK ♪

♪ 'CAUSE, YOU SEE, I'M ON A
LOSING STREAK ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

LOSING STREAK ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAY ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
[SONG ENDS]

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
[SONG ENDS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"WONDER WOMAN'S BRA RETURNED
TO BROOKLYN NAVY YARD."
THIS AND OTHER STORIES ON

TO BROOKLYN NAVY YARD."
THIS AND OTHER STORIES ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE" COMING UP NEXT.

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY BLEU BALLS,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY BLEU BALLS,
THE CHEESE SNACK FROM FRANCE.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY BLEU BALLS,
THE CHEESE SNACK FROM FRANCE.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

THE CHEESE SNACK FROM FRANCE.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
THE NEW YORK YANKEES EVENED THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
THE NEW YORK YANKEES EVENED THE
WORLD SERIES AT TWO GAMES APIECE

THE NEW YORK YANKEES EVENED THE
WORLD SERIES AT TWO GAMES APIECE
THIS AFTERNOON WITH A 4-3

WORLD SERIES AT TWO GAMES APIECE
THIS AFTERNOON WITH A 4-3
VICTORY OVER THE

THIS AFTERNOON WITH A 4-3
VICTORY OVER THE
LOS ANGELES DODGERS.

VICTORY OVER THE
LOS ANGELES DODGERS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOS ANGELES DODGERS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THOUGH THRILLED ABOUT TODAY'S

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THOUGH THRILLED ABOUT TODAY'S
VICTORY, MILLIONAIRE OWNER

THOUGH THRILLED ABOUT TODAY'S
VICTORY, MILLIONAIRE OWNER
GEORGE STEINBRENNER, IN WHAT HE

VICTORY, MILLIONAIRE OWNER
GEORGE STEINBRENNER, IN WHAT HE
SAID WAS A PRECAUTIONARY MOVE TO

GEORGE STEINBRENNER, IN WHAT HE
SAID WAS A PRECAUTIONARY MOVE TO
ASSURE ANOTHER WORLD

SAID WAS A PRECAUTIONARY MOVE TO
ASSURE ANOTHER WORLD
CHAMPIONSHIP, PURCHASED THE

ASSURE ANOTHER WORLD
CHAMPIONSHIP, PURCHASED THE
ENTIRE LOS ANGELES DODGER TEAM

CHAMPIONSHIP, PURCHASED THE
ENTIRE LOS ANGELES DODGER TEAM
AND IMMEDIATELY INSTATED

ENTIRE LOS ANGELES DODGER TEAM
AND IMMEDIATELY INSTATED
BILLY MARTIN AS THE DODGER

AND IMMEDIATELY INSTATED
BILLY MARTIN AS THE DODGER
MANAGER FOR THE REST OF THE

BILLY MARTIN AS THE DODGER
MANAGER FOR THE REST OF THE
SERIES.

MANAGER FOR THE REST OF THE
SERIES.
[LAUGHTER]

SERIES.
[LAUGHTER]
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE TOLD THAT

[LAUGHTER]
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE TOLD THAT
THEY WOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO

EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE TOLD THAT
THEY WOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO
CONSUMMATE THEIR MARRIAGE,

THEY WOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO
CONSUMMATE THEIR MARRIAGE,
JAMES EARL RAY, CONFESSED KILLER

CONSUMMATE THEIR MARRIAGE,
JAMES EARL RAY, CONFESSED KILLER
OF MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., AND

JAMES EARL RAY, CONFESSED KILLER
OF MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., AND
ANNA SANDHU, A 32-YEAR-OLD

OF MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., AND
ANNA SANDHU, A 32-YEAR-OLD
DIVORCéE, MARRIED FRIDAY IN A

ANNA SANDHU, A 32-YEAR-OLD
DIVORCéE, MARRIED FRIDAY IN A
SMALL PRISON CEREMONY.

DIVORCéE, MARRIED FRIDAY IN A
SMALL PRISON CEREMONY.
LATER, WHEN RAY WAS TOLD WHAT

SMALL PRISON CEREMONY.
LATER, WHEN RAY WAS TOLD WHAT
THE WORD "CONSUMMATE" MEANS, HE

LATER, WHEN RAY WAS TOLD WHAT
THE WORD "CONSUMMATE" MEANS, HE
FLEW INTO A RAGE AND HAD TO BE

THE WORD "CONSUMMATE" MEANS, HE
FLEW INTO A RAGE AND HAD TO BE
RESTRAINED BY PRISON GUARDS.

FLEW INTO A RAGE AND HAD TO BE
RESTRAINED BY PRISON GUARDS.
BILL.

RESTRAINED BY PRISON GUARDS.
BILL.
HEY, KNUCKLEHEADS.

BILL.
HEY, KNUCKLEHEADS.
A LOT OF HARD NEWS WENT DOWN

HEY, KNUCKLEHEADS.
A LOT OF HARD NEWS WENT DOWN
THIS WEEK, I GUESS, BUT THE

A LOT OF HARD NEWS WENT DOWN
THIS WEEK, I GUESS, BUT THE
STORY THAT REALLY CAUGHT MY EYE

THIS WEEK, I GUESS, BUT THE
STORY THAT REALLY CAUGHT MY EYE
WAS THE IAN SMITH VISIT.

STORY THAT REALLY CAUGHT MY EYE
WAS THE IAN SMITH VISIT.
NOW, HE'S THE PRESIDENT, PRIME

WAS THE IAN SMITH VISIT.
NOW, HE'S THE PRESIDENT, PRIME
MINISTER, WHATEVER, OF

NOW, HE'S THE PRESIDENT, PRIME
MINISTER, WHATEVER, OF
RHODESIA... I DON'T KNOW.

MINISTER, WHATEVER, OF
RHODESIA... I DON'T KNOW.
AND THERE'S A WAR GOING ON OVER

RHODESIA... I DON'T KNOW.
AND THERE'S A WAR GOING ON OVER
THERE, WHICH BOTHERS ME.

AND THERE'S A WAR GOING ON OVER
THERE, WHICH BOTHERS ME.
NOW, I HEARD THAT THE U.S.

THERE, WHICH BOTHERS ME.
NOW, I HEARD THAT THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT DIDN'T WANT TO LET

NOW, I HEARD THAT THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT DIDN'T WANT TO LET
SMITH INTO THE COUNTRY, AND I

GOVERNMENT DIDN'T WANT TO LET
SMITH INTO THE COUNTRY, AND I
THOUGHT, "WELL, IF THIS GUY'S

SMITH INTO THE COUNTRY, AND I
THOUGHT, "WELL, IF THIS GUY'S
BEEN DISCRIMINATING AGAINST

THOUGHT, "WELL, IF THIS GUY'S
BEEN DISCRIMINATING AGAINST
BLACKS FOR SO LONG"... I HEAR

BEEN DISCRIMINATING AGAINST
BLACKS FOR SO LONG"... I HEAR
IT'S LIKE 10 OR 20 YEARS OF

BLACKS FOR SO LONG"... I HEAR
IT'S LIKE 10 OR 20 YEARS OF
DARKIE JOKES, THE WHOLE

IT'S LIKE 10 OR 20 YEARS OF
DARKIE JOKES, THE WHOLE
BUSINESS... "THEN HE IS AGAINST

DARKIE JOKES, THE WHOLE
BUSINESS... "THEN HE IS AGAINST
WHAT THIS COUNTRY STANDS FOR.

BUSINESS... "THEN HE IS AGAINST
WHAT THIS COUNTRY STANDS FOR.
WE DON'T DO THAT HERE.

WHAT THIS COUNTRY STANDS FOR.
WE DON'T DO THAT HERE.
LET'S KEEP HIM OUT."

WE DON'T DO THAT HERE.
LET'S KEEP HIM OUT."
WELL, THEN THEY DECIDED TO LET

LET'S KEEP HIM OUT."
WELL, THEN THEY DECIDED TO LET
HIM IN, AND I THOUGHT, "WELL,

WELL, THEN THEY DECIDED TO LET
HIM IN, AND I THOUGHT, "WELL,
WAIT A SECOND... IF THIS COUNTRY

HIM IN, AND I THOUGHT, "WELL,
WAIT A SECOND... IF THIS COUNTRY
DOES STAND FOR ONE THING, IT'S

WAIT A SECOND... IF THIS COUNTRY
DOES STAND FOR ONE THING, IT'S
FREEDOM OF SPEECH... NUMERO UNO,

DOES STAND FOR ONE THING, IT'S
FREEDOM OF SPEECH... NUMERO UNO,
BILL OF RIGHTS.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH... NUMERO UNO,
BILL OF RIGHTS.
LOOK IT UP."

BILL OF RIGHTS.
LOOK IT UP."
I DON'T KNOW IF IS UNO, BUT IT

LOOK IT UP."
I DON'T KNOW IF IS UNO, BUT IT
SHOULD BE.

I DON'T KNOW IF IS UNO, BUT IT
SHOULD BE.
ANYWAY, IT'S IN THERE IN THE UNO

SHOULD BE.
ANYWAY, IT'S IN THERE IN THE UNO
THROUGH DIEZ, SOMEWHERE.

ANYWAY, IT'S IN THERE IN THE UNO
THROUGH DIEZ, SOMEWHERE.
ANYWAY, EVEN IF THIS GUY IS A

THROUGH DIEZ, SOMEWHERE.
ANYWAY, EVEN IF THIS GUY IS A
COMMUNIST, A NAZI, WHAT, HE

ANYWAY, EVEN IF THIS GUY IS A
COMMUNIST, A NAZI, WHAT, HE
DESERVES TO SAY HIS PEACE.

COMMUNIST, A NAZI, WHAT, HE
DESERVES TO SAY HIS PEACE.
WELL, THEN HE ARRIVES HERE, AND

DESERVES TO SAY HIS PEACE.
WELL, THEN HE ARRIVES HERE, AND
HE'S GOT A BLACK GUY WITH HIM,

WELL, THEN HE ARRIVES HERE, AND
HE'S GOT A BLACK GUY WITH HIM,
AND I SAY TO MYSELF, "WELL,

HE'S GOT A BLACK GUY WITH HIM,
AND I SAY TO MYSELF, "WELL,
MAYBE THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

AND I SAY TO MYSELF, "WELL,
MAYBE THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
MAYBE THIS GUY'S TURNED OVER A

MAYBE THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
MAYBE THIS GUY'S TURNED OVER A
NEW LEAF."

MAYBE THIS GUY'S TURNED OVER A
NEW LEAF."
SO I GO TO MY SOURCE IN THESE

NEW LEAF."
SO I GO TO MY SOURCE IN THESE
THINGS, AND I SAY, "HEY,

SO I GO TO MY SOURCE IN THESE
THINGS, AND I SAY, "HEY,
GARRETT, WHAT THE HELL IS MY

THINGS, AND I SAY, "HEY,
GARRETT, WHAT THE HELL IS MY
POSITION GONNA BE ON THIS

GARRETT, WHAT THE HELL IS MY
POSITION GONNA BE ON THIS
RHODESIA THING?"

POSITION GONNA BE ON THIS
RHODESIA THING?"
AND HE SAYS, "BILL, I DON'T

RHODESIA THING?"
AND HE SAYS, "BILL, I DON'T
KNOW."

AND HE SAYS, "BILL, I DON'T
KNOW."
AND IF HE DOESN'T KNOW AND HE'S

KNOW."
AND IF HE DOESN'T KNOW AND HE'S
BLACK, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO

AND IF HE DOESN'T KNOW AND HE'S
BLACK, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
KNOW?

BLACK, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
KNOW?
SO I GUESS THIS IS ONE OF THOSE

KNOW?
SO I GUESS THIS IS ONE OF THOSE
HARD-NEWS WAR STORIES WHERE YOU

SO I GUESS THIS IS ONE OF THOSE
HARD-NEWS WAR STORIES WHERE YOU
JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WHAT, I

HARD-NEWS WAR STORIES WHERE YOU
JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WHAT, I
GUESS, SO LET'S MOVE ON TO A NEW

JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WHAT, I
GUESS, SO LET'S MOVE ON TO A NEW
FEATURE, HUH?

GUESS, SO LET'S MOVE ON TO A NEW
FEATURE, HUH?
AH, A NEW FEATURE ON

FEATURE, HUH?
AH, A NEW FEATURE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

AH, A NEW FEATURE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY
THIS... BILL MURRAY'S

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY
THIS... BILL MURRAY'S
"CELEBRITY CORNER."

THIS... BILL MURRAY'S
"CELEBRITY CORNER."
THAT'S RIGHT, I FEEL THIS WILL

"CELEBRITY CORNER."
THAT'S RIGHT, I FEEL THIS WILL
ADD A WARM TOUCH TO THE HARD

THAT'S RIGHT, I FEEL THIS WILL
ADD A WARM TOUCH TO THE HARD
NEWS, BECAUSE TODAY WE HAVE WITH

ADD A WARM TOUCH TO THE HARD
NEWS, BECAUSE TODAY WE HAVE WITH
US A VERY SPECIAL GUEST WHO'S

NEWS, BECAUSE TODAY WE HAVE WITH
US A VERY SPECIAL GUEST WHO'S
ASKED TO COME ON AND HELP ME

US A VERY SPECIAL GUEST WHO'S
ASKED TO COME ON AND HELP ME
LAUNCH THIS NEW FEATURE.

ASKED TO COME ON AND HELP ME
LAUNCH THIS NEW FEATURE.
THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL, THE FIRST

LAUNCH THIS NEW FEATURE.
THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL, THE FIRST
LADY OF TELEVISION HERSELF...

THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL, THE FIRST
LADY OF TELEVISION HERSELF...
LUCILLE BALL AND HER HUSBAND,

LADY OF TELEVISION HERSELF...
LUCILLE BALL AND HER HUSBAND,
GARY MORTON.

LUCILLE BALL AND HER HUSBAND,
GARY MORTON.
LUCY?

GARY MORTON.
LUCY?
THANKS AGAIN FOR COMING ON

LUCY?
THANKS AGAIN FOR COMING ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER."

THANKS AGAIN FOR COMING ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER."
WELL, THANK YOU FOR HAVING

"CELEBRITY CORNER."
WELL, THANK YOU FOR HAVING
ME, BILL.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR HAVING
ME, BILL.
AND I CERTAINLY WANT TO WISH YOU

ME, BILL.
AND I CERTAINLY WANT TO WISH YOU
GOOD LUCK.

AND I CERTAINLY WANT TO WISH YOU
GOOD LUCK.
I KNOW YOU DO, LUCY.

GOOD LUCK.
I KNOW YOU DO, LUCY.
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL, AND SO DO

I KNOW YOU DO, LUCY.
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL, AND SO DO
YOU, GARY.

YOU LOOK WONDERFUL, AND SO DO
YOU, GARY.
BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS... HOW

YOU, GARY.
BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS... HOW
ARE FRED AND ETHEL?

BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS... HOW
ARE FRED AND ETHEL?
FRED IS DEAD.

ARE FRED AND ETHEL?
FRED IS DEAD.
[LAUGHTER]

FRED IS DEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
F-FREDDY'S DEAD?

[LAUGHTER]
F-FREDDY'S DEAD?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

F-FREDDY'S DEAD?
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
BILL FRAWLEY DIED A WHILE AGO.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
BILL FRAWLEY DIED A WHILE AGO.
WELL, FORGIVE ME, LUCY,

BILL FRAWLEY DIED A WHILE AGO.
WELL, FORGIVE ME, LUCY,
HONEY, BUT WE HAVE BEEN HAVING A

WELL, FORGIVE ME, LUCY,
HONEY, BUT WE HAVE BEEN HAVING A
NEWSPAPER STRIKE HERE IN

HONEY, BUT WE HAVE BEEN HAVING A
NEWSPAPER STRIKE HERE IN
NEW YORK, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

NEWSPAPER STRIKE HERE IN
NEW YORK, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
HE WAS SICK.

NEW YORK, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
HE WAS SICK.
LUCY, COULD YOU PERFORM FOR US?

HE WAS SICK.
LUCY, COULD YOU PERFORM FOR US?
BILL.

LUCY, COULD YOU PERFORM FOR US?
BILL.
COME ON.

BILL.
COME ON.
JUST A LITTLE LUCY-ISM.

COME ON.
JUST A LITTLE LUCY-ISM.
NO, BILL, REALLY.

JUST A LITTLE LUCY-ISM.
NO, BILL, REALLY.
LUCY.

NO, BILL, REALLY.
LUCY.
COME ON, LUCY.

LUCY.
COME ON, LUCY.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE SCENE...

COME ON, LUCY.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE SCENE...
YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAKERY, AND

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE SCENE...
YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAKERY, AND
THE CONVEYOR BELT STARTS TO GO

YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAKERY, AND
THE CONVEYOR BELT STARTS TO GO
TOO FAST.

THE CONVEYOR BELT STARTS TO GO
TOO FAST.
ALL THE CUPCAKES END ON THE

TOO FAST.
ALL THE CUPCAKES END ON THE
FLOOR, AND YOU'RE SO UPSET THAT

ALL THE CUPCAKES END ON THE
FLOOR, AND YOU'RE SO UPSET THAT
YOU GO...

FLOOR, AND YOU'RE SO UPSET THAT
YOU GO...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

YOU GO...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
JUST THE WAY I REMEMBER IT.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
JUST THE WAY I REMEMBER IT.
"AAH"... ISN'T THAT GREAT?

JUST THE WAY I REMEMBER IT.
"AAH"... ISN'T THAT GREAT?
SHE'S INCREDIBLE!

"AAH"... ISN'T THAT GREAT?
SHE'S INCREDIBLE!
YOU KNOW, HONEY, IT IS THAT

SHE'S INCREDIBLE!
YOU KNOW, HONEY, IT IS THAT
PHYSICAL SHTICK THAT WAS ALWAYS

YOU KNOW, HONEY, IT IS THAT
PHYSICAL SHTICK THAT WAS ALWAYS
YOUR TRADEMARK, LUCY.

PHYSICAL SHTICK THAT WAS ALWAYS
YOUR TRADEMARK, LUCY.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS... IS THERE

YOUR TRADEMARK, LUCY.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS... IS THERE
ANYTHING TO THE RUMOR THAT YOU

LET ME ASK YOU THIS... IS THERE
ANYTHING TO THE RUMOR THAT YOU
AND DESI WILL REMARRY?

ANYTHING TO THE RUMOR THAT YOU
AND DESI WILL REMARRY?
PERSONALLY, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE

AND DESI WILL REMARRY?
PERSONALLY, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE
IT HAPPEN.

PERSONALLY, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE
IT HAPPEN.
NO, BILL.

IT HAPPEN.
NO, BILL.
DESI WAS A LOSER... A VERY

NO, BILL.
DESI WAS A LOSER... A VERY
TALENTED MAN, BUT HE FELT HE HAD

DESI WAS A LOSER... A VERY
TALENTED MAN, BUT HE FELT HE HAD
TO LOSE.

TALENTED MAN, BUT HE FELT HE HAD
TO LOSE.
GARY'S A WINNER.

TO LOSE.
GARY'S A WINNER.
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION,

GARY'S A WINNER.
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION,
LUCY... WHAT'S IN THE FUTURE FOR

JUST ONE MORE QUESTION,
LUCY... WHAT'S IN THE FUTURE FOR
LUCY?

LUCY... WHAT'S IN THE FUTURE FOR
LUCY?
WILL SHE DO ANOTHER TV SHOW OR A

LUCY?
WILL SHE DO ANOTHER TV SHOW OR A
MOVIE?

WILL SHE DO ANOTHER TV SHOW OR A
MOVIE?
NO, BILL.

MOVIE?
NO, BILL.
I'M VERY HAPPY AS I AM.

NO, BILL.
I'M VERY HAPPY AS I AM.
I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, A

I'M VERY HAPPY AS I AM.
I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, A
BEAUTIFUL HOME, TWO EXTREMELY

I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, A
BEAUTIFUL HOME, TWO EXTREMELY
UNTALENTED CHILDREN, WHOM I

BEAUTIFUL HOME, TWO EXTREMELY
UNTALENTED CHILDREN, WHOM I
LOVE, AND PEACE OF MIND.

UNTALENTED CHILDREN, WHOM I
LOVE, AND PEACE OF MIND.
I'M CONTENT JUST TO SIT IN MY

LOVE, AND PEACE OF MIND.
I'M CONTENT JUST TO SIT IN MY
GARDEN WITH ROSE MARIE AND TALK

I'M CONTENT JUST TO SIT IN MY
GARDEN WITH ROSE MARIE AND TALK
ABOUT HOW TIME HAS RAVAGED OUR

GARDEN WITH ROSE MARIE AND TALK
ABOUT HOW TIME HAS RAVAGED OUR
FACES.

ABOUT HOW TIME HAS RAVAGED OUR
FACES.
[LAUGHTER]

FACES.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING WITH US HERE ON

WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING WITH US HERE ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER," LUCY.

BEING WITH US HERE ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER," LUCY.
BYE.

"CELEBRITY CORNER," LUCY.
BYE.
HEY, WELL, THAT WAS THE FIRST

BYE.
HEY, WELL, THAT WAS THE FIRST
"CELEBRITY CORNER"... A DAMN

HEY, WELL, THAT WAS THE FIRST
"CELEBRITY CORNER"... A DAMN
GOOD ONE, I THINK.

"CELEBRITY CORNER"... A DAMN
GOOD ONE, I THINK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD ONE, I THINK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I LOVED IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I LOVED IT.
I LOVED THAT ONE.

I LOVED IT.
I LOVED THAT ONE.
HOW ABOUT YOU, JANE?

I LOVED THAT ONE.
HOW ABOUT YOU, JANE?
[LAUGHTER]

HOW ABOUT YOU, JANE?
[LAUGHTER]
WHILE THE NEWSPAPER STRIKE

[LAUGHTER]
WHILE THE NEWSPAPER STRIKE
CONTINUES IN NEW YORK CITY,

WHILE THE NEWSPAPER STRIKE
CONTINUES IN NEW YORK CITY,
RUMORS ARE STILL THE MAJOR

CONTINUES IN NEW YORK CITY,
RUMORS ARE STILL THE MAJOR
SOURCE OF INFORMATION.

RUMORS ARE STILL THE MAJOR
SOURCE OF INFORMATION.
SO, FOR YOU NEW YORKERS, WE WANT

SOURCE OF INFORMATION.
SO, FOR YOU NEW YORKERS, WE WANT
TO DISPEL THE FOLLOWING RUMORS.

SO, FOR YOU NEW YORKERS, WE WANT
TO DISPEL THE FOLLOWING RUMORS.
ALLEN FUNT WILL NOT PITCH

TO DISPEL THE FOLLOWING RUMORS.
ALLEN FUNT WILL NOT PITCH
TOMORROW'S FIFTH GAME OF THE

ALLEN FUNT WILL NOT PITCH
TOMORROW'S FIFTH GAME OF THE
WORLD SERIES.

TOMORROW'S FIFTH GAME OF THE
WORLD SERIES.
RHODESIAN PRIME MINISTER

WORLD SERIES.
RHODESIAN PRIME MINISTER
IAN SMITH WAS NOT SEEN DANCING

RHODESIAN PRIME MINISTER
IAN SMITH WAS NOT SEEN DANCING
WITH ED SULLIVAN AT STUDIO 54.

IAN SMITH WAS NOT SEEN DANCING
WITH ED SULLIVAN AT STUDIO 54.
AND BETTY FORD'S FACE-LIFT WAS

WITH ED SULLIVAN AT STUDIO 54.
AND BETTY FORD'S FACE-LIFT WAS
NOT PERFORMED BY SID VICIOUS.

AND BETTY FORD'S FACE-LIFT WAS
NOT PERFORMED BY SID VICIOUS.
[LAUGHTER]

NOT PERFORMED BY SID VICIOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
IN THE WAKE OF REVELATIONS THAT

[LAUGHTER]
IN THE WAKE OF REVELATIONS THAT
HIGH-RANKING SOVIET DEFECTOR

IN THE WAKE OF REVELATIONS THAT
HIGH-RANKING SOVIET DEFECTOR
ARKADY SHEVCHENKO GAVE GIFTS OF

HIGH-RANKING SOVIET DEFECTOR
ARKADY SHEVCHENKO GAVE GIFTS OF
$40,000 IN CASH AND A $13,000

ARKADY SHEVCHENKO GAVE GIFTS OF
$40,000 IN CASH AND A $13,000
SPORTS CAR TO JUDY CHAVEZ, A

$40,000 IN CASH AND A $13,000
SPORTS CAR TO JUDY CHAVEZ, A
22-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO WORKED FOR

SPORTS CAR TO JUDY CHAVEZ, A
22-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO WORKED FOR
A WASHINGTON ESCORT SERVICE, A

22-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO WORKED FOR
A WASHINGTON ESCORT SERVICE, A
STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIAL

A WASHINGTON ESCORT SERVICE, A
STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIAL
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT OVER 700

STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIAL
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT OVER 700
SOVIET HOOKERS HAVE DEFECTED TO

ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT OVER 700
SOVIET HOOKERS HAVE DEFECTED TO
THE U.S. IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.

SOVIET HOOKERS HAVE DEFECTED TO
THE U.S. IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.
THEY WILL BE DEBRIEFED AT THE

THE U.S. IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.
THEY WILL BE DEBRIEFED AT THE
CIA-DEBRIEFING CENTER AT THE

THEY WILL BE DEBRIEFED AT THE
CIA-DEBRIEFING CENTER AT THE
MUSTANG RANCH NEAR RENO, NEVADA.

CIA-DEBRIEFING CENTER AT THE
MUSTANG RANCH NEAR RENO, NEVADA.
[LAUGHTER]

MUSTANG RANCH NEAR RENO, NEVADA.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THE MOTIVES BEHIND

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THE MOTIVES BEHIND
THE RECENT KIDNAPPING OF

WELL, THE MOTIVES BEHIND
THE RECENT KIDNAPPING OF
COUNTRY/WESTERN STAR

THE RECENT KIDNAPPING OF
COUNTRY/WESTERN STAR
TAMMY WYNETTE WERE FINALLY

COUNTRY/WESTERN STAR
TAMMY WYNETTE WERE FINALLY
DIVULGED TODAY.

TAMMY WYNETTE WERE FINALLY
DIVULGED TODAY.
THE SUSPECT'S PLAN WAS TO FORCE

DIVULGED TODAY.
THE SUSPECT'S PLAN WAS TO FORCE
TAMMY TO RECORD A HIT ALBUM

THE SUSPECT'S PLAN WAS TO FORCE
TAMMY TO RECORD A HIT ALBUM
AGAINST HER WILL.

TAMMY TO RECORD A HIT ALBUM
AGAINST HER WILL.
THE SOON-TO-BE-RELEASED L.P.

AGAINST HER WILL.
THE SOON-TO-BE-RELEASED L.P.
WILL FEATURE TAMMY'S NEW SINGLE

THE SOON-TO-BE-RELEASED L.P.
WILL FEATURE TAMMY'S NEW SINGLE
"TAKE THE RIBBON FROM MY HAIR

WILL FEATURE TAMMY'S NEW SINGLE
"TAKE THE RIBBON FROM MY HAIR
AND TWIST IT 'ROUND MY NECK."

"TAKE THE RIBBON FROM MY HAIR
AND TWIST IT 'ROUND MY NECK."
[LAUGHTER]

AND TWIST IT 'ROUND MY NECK."
[LAUGHTER]
THIS JUST IN FROM ROME...

[LAUGHTER]
THIS JUST IN FROM ROME...
THE ENTIRE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS

THIS JUST IN FROM ROME...
THE ENTIRE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS
DIED IN THEIR SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

THE ENTIRE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS
DIED IN THEIR SLEEP LAST NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DIED IN THEIR SLEEP LAST NIGHT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO...
IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE, THE

SO...
IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE, THE
BROOKLYN HIGH SCHOOL OF MUSIC

IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE, THE
BROOKLYN HIGH SCHOOL OF MUSIC
AND ART WILL ELECT THE NEW POPE.

BROOKLYN HIGH SCHOOL OF MUSIC
AND ART WILL ELECT THE NEW POPE.
JUST KIDDING.

AND ART WILL ELECT THE NEW POPE.
JUST KIDDING.
[LAUGHS]

JUST KIDDING.
[LAUGHS]
BILL.

[LAUGHS]
BILL.
[LAUGHTER]

BILL.
[LAUGHTER]
I GOT THAT, BY THE WAY, JANE.

[LAUGHTER]
I GOT THAT, BY THE WAY, JANE.
PUNK-ROCK STAR SID VICIOUS WAS

I GOT THAT, BY THE WAY, JANE.
PUNK-ROCK STAR SID VICIOUS WAS
ARRAIGNED YESTERDAY IN THE

PUNK-ROCK STAR SID VICIOUS WAS
ARRAIGNED YESTERDAY IN THE
KNIFE-KILLING OF HIS GIRLFRIEND.

ARRAIGNED YESTERDAY IN THE
KNIFE-KILLING OF HIS GIRLFRIEND.
VICIOUS' LAWYER SAYS THAT IT MAY

KNIFE-KILLING OF HIS GIRLFRIEND.
VICIOUS' LAWYER SAYS THAT IT MAY
BE DIFFICULT TO GET A FAIR TRIAL

VICIOUS' LAWYER SAYS THAT IT MAY
BE DIFFICULT TO GET A FAIR TRIAL
FOR THE EX-SEX PISTOL,

BE DIFFICULT TO GET A FAIR TRIAL
FOR THE EX-SEX PISTOL,
CONSIDERING HIS NAME.

FOR THE EX-SEX PISTOL,
CONSIDERING HIS NAME.
SO, DURING THE PROCEEDINGS, SID

CONSIDERING HIS NAME.
SO, DURING THE PROCEEDINGS, SID
WILL CHANGE HIS NAME FROM

SO, DURING THE PROCEEDINGS, SID
WILL CHANGE HIS NAME FROM
SID VICIOUS TO SIDNEY

WILL CHANGE HIS NAME FROM
SID VICIOUS TO SIDNEY
NOT-SUCH-A-BAD-GUY-ONCE-YOU-GET

SID VICIOUS TO SIDNEY
NOT-SUCH-A-BAD-GUY-ONCE-YOU-GET
TO-KNOW-HIM.

NOT-SUCH-A-BAD-GUY-ONCE-YOU-GET
TO-KNOW-HIM.
[LAUGHTER]

TO-KNOW-HIM.
[LAUGHTER]
I SEE YOU'VE GOT A SPECIAL GUEST

[LAUGHTER]
I SEE YOU'VE GOT A SPECIAL GUEST
OVER THERE, JANE.

I SEE YOU'VE GOT A SPECIAL GUEST
OVER THERE, JANE.
THAT'S RIGHT, BILL.

OVER THERE, JANE.
THAT'S RIGHT, BILL.
THIS WEEK, WE'D LIKE TO

THAT'S RIGHT, BILL.
THIS WEEK, WE'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE AN OLD COWORKER IN A

THIS WEEK, WE'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE AN OLD COWORKER IN A
NEW "WEEKEND UPDATE" SEGMENT.

INTRODUCE AN OLD COWORKER IN A
NEW "WEEKEND UPDATE" SEGMENT.
AN EDITORIAL COMMENT BY OUR

NEW "WEEKEND UPDATE" SEGMENT.
AN EDITORIAL COMMENT BY OUR
STATION MANAGER, HERE IS

AN EDITORIAL COMMENT BY OUR
STATION MANAGER, HERE IS
DAN AYKROYD'S

STATION MANAGER, HERE IS
DAN AYKROYD'S
"STRICTLY SPEAKING."

DAN AYKROYD'S
"STRICTLY SPEAKING."
DAN.

THANK YOU, JANE.

GOOD EVENING.

WELL, IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON

AGAIN.

WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

AND, AS USUAL, EVERY TEAM'S CREW

OF FEMALE CHEERLEADERS ARE

PROVIDING THE SAME SUPPORTIVE

HISTRIONICS FROM THE SIDELINES.

HOWEVER, THIS YEAR, THERE ARE

LESS CHEERS AND MORE LEERS, AND

IT'S THE FANS IN THE STANDS WHO

DO THE LEERING AT THE GIRLS WHO

DO THE CHEERING, BECAUSE THIS

SEASON, THESE CHEER-LADIES ARE

MORE NUDELY, MORE LEWDLY, MORE

CRUDELY ATTIRED THAN EVER.

NOW, I SUPPOSE A MODICUM OF
ENTHUSIASM FROM THE SIDELINES
HELPS THE MORALE OF THE TEAM AND

ENTHUSIASM FROM THE SIDELINES
HELPS THE MORALE OF THE TEAM AND
SUPPORTERS, AND IT'S NOT THE

HELPS THE MORALE OF THE TEAM AND
SUPPORTERS, AND IT'S NOT THE
MAINTENANCE OF TEAM SPIRIT I

SUPPORTERS, AND IT'S NOT THE
MAINTENANCE OF TEAM SPIRIT I
TAKE ISSUE WITH.

MAINTENANCE OF TEAM SPIRIT I
TAKE ISSUE WITH.
RATHER, I'M OBJECTING TO THREE

TAKE ISSUE WITH.
RATHER, I'M OBJECTING TO THREE
SPECIFIC ELEMENTS OF THESE

RATHER, I'M OBJECTING TO THREE
SPECIFIC ELEMENTS OF THESE
CHEERLEADING DISPLAYS, AND HERE

SPECIFIC ELEMENTS OF THESE
CHEERLEADING DISPLAYS, AND HERE
THEY ARE, FROM THE GROUND UP.

CHEERLEADING DISPLAYS, AND HERE
THEY ARE, FROM THE GROUND UP.
ONE... VINYL BOOTS.

THEY ARE, FROM THE GROUND UP.
ONE... VINYL BOOTS.
THE NUDITY OF A YOUNG WOMAN'S

ONE... VINYL BOOTS.
THE NUDITY OF A YOUNG WOMAN'S
LEG IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

THE NUDITY OF A YOUNG WOMAN'S
LEG IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.
A SKINTIGHT RED OR WHITE VINYL

LEG IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.
A SKINTIGHT RED OR WHITE VINYL
BOOT PROVIDES THE ALREADY

A SKINTIGHT RED OR WHITE VINYL
BOOT PROVIDES THE ALREADY
NATURAL SENSUAL SHAPE OF A

BOOT PROVIDES THE ALREADY
NATURAL SENSUAL SHAPE OF A
WOMAN'S CALF WITH A MOST

NATURAL SENSUAL SHAPE OF A
WOMAN'S CALF WITH A MOST
UNNECESSARY ENHANCEMENT.

WOMAN'S CALF WITH A MOST
UNNECESSARY ENHANCEMENT.
TWO... THE GAP... THAT IS, THE

UNNECESSARY ENHANCEMENT.
TWO... THE GAP... THAT IS, THE
INTENTIONAL USE OF TIGHT-FITTING

TWO... THE GAP... THAT IS, THE
INTENTIONAL USE OF TIGHT-FITTING
SHORT SHORTS AS AN ENGINEERING

INTENTIONAL USE OF TIGHT-FITTING
SHORT SHORTS AS AN ENGINEERING
DEVICE TO DISTINCTLY EXAGGERATE

SHORT SHORTS AS AN ENGINEERING
DEVICE TO DISTINCTLY EXAGGERATE
THE EXTERNAL PERIMETERS...

DEVICE TO DISTINCTLY EXAGGERATE
THE EXTERNAL PERIMETERS...
OF A FEMALE'S VAGINA.

THE EXTERNAL PERIMETERS...
OF A FEMALE'S VAGINA.
[LAUGHTER]

OF A FEMALE'S VAGINA.
[LAUGHTER]
THE DELIBERATE DISPLAY OF THIS

[LAUGHTER]
THE DELIBERATE DISPLAY OF THIS
VORTEX, IN MY MIND, HAS NOTHING

THE DELIBERATE DISPLAY OF THIS
VORTEX, IN MY MIND, HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH FOOTBALL OR ANY OTHER

VORTEX, IN MY MIND, HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH FOOTBALL OR ANY OTHER
SPORT.

TO DO WITH FOOTBALL OR ANY OTHER
SPORT.
[LAUGHTER]

SPORT.
[LAUGHTER]
THREE... THE RIPPLE OR BOUNCE.

[LAUGHTER]
THREE... THE RIPPLE OR BOUNCE.
BY THIS, I MEAN THE CONSCIOUSLY

THREE... THE RIPPLE OR BOUNCE.
BY THIS, I MEAN THE CONSCIOUSLY
DESIGNED EXPOSURE OF THE

BY THIS, I MEAN THE CONSCIOUSLY
DESIGNED EXPOSURE OF THE
UPPER-MAMMALIAL CARRIAGE... AN

DESIGNED EXPOSURE OF THE
UPPER-MAMMALIAL CARRIAGE... AN
EXPOSURE, AT TIMES, SO EXTENSIVE

UPPER-MAMMALIAL CARRIAGE... AN
EXPOSURE, AT TIMES, SO EXTENSIVE
THAT ON PARTICULARLY COLD OR

EXPOSURE, AT TIMES, SO EXTENSIVE
THAT ON PARTICULARLY COLD OR
WINDY DAYS, THE EMBOSSMENT OF

THAT ON PARTICULARLY COLD OR
WINDY DAYS, THE EMBOSSMENT OF
THE SMALL BUMP SURROUNDING THE

WINDY DAYS, THE EMBOSSMENT OF
THE SMALL BUMP SURROUNDING THE
AREOLA IS CLEARLY VISIBLE

THE SMALL BUMP SURROUNDING THE
AREOLA IS CLEARLY VISIBLE
THROUGH BINOCULARS FROM ANY SEAT

AREOLA IS CLEARLY VISIBLE
THROUGH BINOCULARS FROM ANY SEAT
IN THE STADIUM.

THROUGH BINOCULARS FROM ANY SEAT
IN THE STADIUM.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN THE STADIUM.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
CAN THE GAME GO ON WITHOUT THE

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
CAN THE GAME GO ON WITHOUT THE
BOOTS, THE GAP, AND THE RIPPLE?

CAN THE GAME GO ON WITHOUT THE
BOOTS, THE GAP, AND THE RIPPLE?
I THINK SO.

BOOTS, THE GAP, AND THE RIPPLE?
I THINK SO.
SO COVER UP, GIRLS, OR GET OFF

I THINK SO.
SO COVER UP, GIRLS, OR GET OFF
THE FIELD AND LET THE BOYS PLAY

SO COVER UP, GIRLS, OR GET OFF
THE FIELD AND LET THE BOYS PLAY
BALL.

THE FIELD AND LET THE BOYS PLAY
BALL.
THIS IS DAN AYKROYD'S

BALL.
THIS IS DAN AYKROYD'S
"STRICTLY SPEAKING."

THIS IS DAN AYKROYD'S
"STRICTLY SPEAKING."
THANK YOU.

"STRICTLY SPEAKING."
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

HELLO?
IS WHO HERE?
DAVID?

IS WHO HERE?
DAVID?
[CLEARS THROAT]

DAVID?
[CLEARS THROAT]
NO, DAVID IS NOT HERE.

[CLEARS THROAT]
NO, DAVID IS NOT HERE.
DAVID DOES NOT LIVE HERE

NO, DAVID IS NOT HERE.
DAVID DOES NOT LIVE HERE
ANYMORE.

IT'S 5:00 IN THE MORNING.
WELL, YOU SHOULD BE.
YOU SOUND VERY LOADED.

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE.
YOU SOUND VERY LOADED.
WHO IS THIS?

YOU SOUND VERY LOADED.
WHO IS THIS?
YES, I'M SURE YOU'RE A FRIEND OF

WHO IS THIS?
YES, I'M SURE YOU'RE A FRIEND OF
DAVID'S, BUT HE'S NOT HERE.

YES, I'M SURE YOU'RE A FRIEND OF
DAVID'S, BUT HE'S NOT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL LOOK.

OHH!

OKAY, I GOT A NUMBER.
LAST NUMBER I HAVE FROM HIM IS
555-7098.

GOODBYE, AND YOU'RE WELCOME.
[TELEPHONE CLICKS]
EVERYTHING OKAY?

[TELEPHONE CLICKS]
EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH.

EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH.
IT WAS JUST SOME WOMAN CALLING

YEAH.
IT WAS JUST SOME WOMAN CALLING
FOR THE NUMBER OF A GUY WHO USED

IT WAS JUST SOME WOMAN CALLING
FOR THE NUMBER OF A GUY WHO USED
TO LIVE HERE.

FOR THE NUMBER OF A GUY WHO USED
TO LIVE HERE.
[GRUNTS]

TO LIVE HERE.
[GRUNTS]
[Yawning] BOY, WAS SHE

[GRUNTS]
[Yawning] BOY, WAS SHE
DRUNK.

[Yawning] BOY, WAS SHE
DRUNK.
MM.

DRUNK.
MM.
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE

MM.
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE
GIVEN HER THE NUMBER.

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE
GIVEN HER THE NUMBER.
HE COULD AT LEAST TELL HIS

GIVEN HER THE NUMBER.
HE COULD AT LEAST TELL HIS
GIRLFRIENDS NOT TO CALL HERE.

HE COULD AT LEAST TELL HIS
GIRLFRIENDS NOT TO CALL HERE.
YEAH, I GUESS HE COULD.

GIRLFRIENDS NOT TO CALL HERE.
YEAH, I GUESS HE COULD.
WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO

YEAH, I GUESS HE COULD.
WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO
YEARS.

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO
YEARS.
MM.

YEARS.
MM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

MM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I GUESS IT JUST WASN'T

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I GUESS IT JUST WASN'T
HAPPENING.

I GUESS IT JUST WASN'T
HAPPENING.
WELL, THAT HAPPENS.

HAPPENING.
WELL, THAT HAPPENS.
THE MAIN THING WAS THAT WE

WELL, THAT HAPPENS.
THE MAIN THING WAS THAT WE
HAD CONFLICTING CAREERS.

THE MAIN THING WAS THAT WE
HAD CONFLICTING CAREERS.
I WORKED, AND HE DIDN'T.

HAD CONFLICTING CAREERS.
I WORKED, AND HE DIDN'T.
AND THEN ONE NIGHT, I THREW A

I WORKED, AND HE DIDN'T.
AND THEN ONE NIGHT, I THREW A
CLOCK RADIO AT HIS HEAD, AND

AND THEN ONE NIGHT, I THREW A
CLOCK RADIO AT HIS HEAD, AND
THINGS WERE NEVER QUITE THE

CLOCK RADIO AT HIS HEAD, AND
THINGS WERE NEVER QUITE THE
SAME, YOU KNOW?

THINGS WERE NEVER QUITE THE
SAME, YOU KNOW?
AH.

SAME, YOU KNOW?
AH.
LISTEN, TONIGHT WAS REALLY

AH.
LISTEN, TONIGHT WAS REALLY
SPECIAL FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

LISTEN, TONIGHT WAS REALLY
SPECIAL FOR ME, YOU KNOW?
AND, UH...

SPECIAL FOR ME, YOU KNOW?
AND, UH...
UH...

AND, UH...
UH...
MARY.

UH...
MARY.
MARY, MARY.

MARY.
MARY, MARY.
IT WAS... REALLY, IT WAS REALLY

MARY, MARY.
IT WAS... REALLY, IT WAS REALLY
SPECIAL.

IT WAS... REALLY, IT WAS REALLY
SPECIAL.
UH...

SPECIAL.
UH...
ANYWAY, I GOT TO GET HOME AND

UH...
ANYWAY, I GOT TO GET HOME AND
CHANGE MY CLOTHES BEFORE I GO TO

ANYWAY, I GOT TO GET HOME AND
CHANGE MY CLOTHES BEFORE I GO TO
WORK IN THE MORNING, ANYWAY, SO

CHANGE MY CLOTHES BEFORE I GO TO
WORK IN THE MORNING, ANYWAY, SO
MAYBE I SHOULD BE ROLLING ALONG.

WORK IN THE MORNING, ANYWAY, SO
MAYBE I SHOULD BE ROLLING ALONG.
NO, IT'S OKAY... STAY.

MAYBE I SHOULD BE ROLLING ALONG.
NO, IT'S OKAY... STAY.
YOU'RE SURE IT'S OKAY?

NO, IT'S OKAY... STAY.
YOU'RE SURE IT'S OKAY?
SURE.

YOU'RE SURE IT'S OKAY?
SURE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

SURE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
OHH!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
OHH!
NOT AGAIN.

OHH!
NOT AGAIN.
HELLO?

NOT AGAIN.
HELLO?
OH, HELLO, DAVID.

HELLO?
OH, HELLO, DAVID.
YES, I GAVE IT TO HER.

OH, HELLO, DAVID.
YES, I GAVE IT TO HER.
WELL, HOW DID SHE GET THIS

YES, I GAVE IT TO HER.
WELL, HOW DID SHE GET THIS
NUMBER?

WELL, HOW DID SHE GET THIS
NUMBER?
DAVID, DON'T START WITH ME.

NUMBER?
DAVID, DON'T START WITH ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM... YOUR

DAVID, DON'T START WITH ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM... YOUR
ANSWERING SERVICE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM... YOUR
ANSWERING SERVICE?
I REALLY NEED YOUR DRUNK BIMBOS

ANSWERING SERVICE?
I REALLY NEED YOUR DRUNK BIMBOS
CALLING ME AT 5:00 IN THE

I REALLY NEED YOUR DRUNK BIMBOS
CALLING ME AT 5:00 IN THE
MORNING, AND I REALLY NEED YOU

CALLING ME AT 5:00 IN THE
MORNING, AND I REALLY NEED YOU
CALLING AFTER THREE MONTHS, JUST

MORNING, AND I REALLY NEED YOU
CALLING AFTER THREE MONTHS, JUST
TO GIVE ME GRIEF.

CALLING AFTER THREE MONTHS, JUST
TO GIVE ME GRIEF.
LOOK, I THINK I'LL BE GOING.

TO GIVE ME GRIEF.
LOOK, I THINK I'LL BE GOING.
NO, IT'S OKAY.

LOOK, I THINK I'LL BE GOING.
NO, IT'S OKAY.
STAY. GET SOME SLEEP.

NO, IT'S OKAY.
STAY. GET SOME SLEEP.
THE HELL I DID!

STAY. GET SOME SLEEP.
THE HELL I DID!
YOU WALKED OUT ON ME!

THE HELL I DID!
YOU WALKED OUT ON ME!
WELL, THAT'S NOT THE WAY I SAW

YOU WALKED OUT ON ME!
WELL, THAT'S NOT THE WAY I SAW
IT.

WELL, THAT'S NOT THE WAY I SAW
IT.
DO YOU HAVE A COLD OR SOMETHING?

IT.
DO YOU HAVE A COLD OR SOMETHING?
ARE YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF?

DO YOU HAVE A COLD OR SOMETHING?
ARE YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF?
[Giggling] WHAT?

ARE YOU TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF?
[Giggling] WHAT?
[Giggling] WHAT?

[Giggling] WHAT?
[Giggling] WHAT?
UH, MAYBE I'LL RUN ALONG.

[Giggling] WHAT?
UH, MAYBE I'LL RUN ALONG.
NO... STAY.

UH, MAYBE I'LL RUN ALONG.
NO... STAY.
NO, THERE'S NO ONE HERE.

NO... STAY.
NO, THERE'S NO ONE HERE.
I'LL GO.

NO, THERE'S NO ONE HERE.
I'LL GO.
NEVER MIND WHAT I'M WEARING.

I'LL GO.
NEVER MIND WHAT I'M WEARING.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU

NEVER MIND WHAT I'M WEARING.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
SOMETIME.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
SOMETIME.
NO, I'VE ONLY BEEN GOING OUT

SOMETIME.
NO, I'VE ONLY BEEN GOING OUT
WITH CREEPS.

LOOK, I'D BETTER GO.
Not you.
WHAT?

Not you.
WHAT?
NO, NOW I CAN'T, NO.

WHAT?
NO, NOW I CAN'T, NO.
I REALLY CAN'T NOW.

NO, NOW I CAN'T, NO.
I REALLY CAN'T NOW.
[GIGGLES]

I REALLY CAN'T NOW.
[GIGGLES]
STOP IT.

[GIGGLES]
STOP IT.
YEAH, I-I THINK I WILL.

STOP IT.
YEAH, I-I THINK I WILL.
I'LL GO.

YEAH, I-I THINK I WILL.
I'LL GO.
WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU.

I'LL GO.
WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, HOW SOON CAN YOU BE

WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, HOW SOON CAN YOU BE
HERE?

ALL RIGHT, HOW SOON CAN YOU BE
HERE?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY OTHER SHOE?

HERE?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY OTHER SHOE?
YOU BETTER MAKE IT 20.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY OTHER SHOE?
YOU BETTER MAKE IT 20.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

YOU BETTER MAKE IT 20.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
[TELEPHONE CLICKS]

I LOVE YOU, TOO.
[TELEPHONE CLICKS]
HERE IT IS.

[TELEPHONE CLICKS]
HERE IT IS.
I FOUND THAT OTHER SHOE.

HERE IT IS.
I FOUND THAT OTHER SHOE.
OH, GOOD.

I FOUND THAT OTHER SHOE.
OH, GOOD.
UH...

OH, GOOD.
UH...
YOUR COAT'S OVER THERE ON THE

UH...
YOUR COAT'S OVER THERE ON THE
CHAIR.

YOUR COAT'S OVER THERE ON THE
CHAIR.
OKAY.

CHAIR.
OKAY.
I'LL BE OUT IN JUST A MINUTE.

OKAY.
I'LL BE OUT IN JUST A MINUTE.
IT'S BEEN LOVELY MEETING YOU.

I'LL BE OUT IN JUST A MINUTE.
IT'S BEEN LOVELY MEETING YOU.
THANKS.

IT'S BEEN LOVELY MEETING YOU.
THANKS.
LISTEN, I HAD A GREAT TIME.

THANKS.
LISTEN, I HAD A GREAT TIME.
OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD.

LISTEN, I HAD A GREAT TIME.
OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD.
[COUGHS]

OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD.
[COUGHS]
YOU LOOK GREAT.

[COUGHS]
YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
LOOK, MAYBE WE COULD, UH...

THANK YOU.
LOOK, MAYBE WE COULD, UH...
YOU KNOW, SOMETIME AGAIN...

LOOK, MAYBE WE COULD, UH...
YOU KNOW, SOMETIME AGAIN...
UH, YEAH, MAYBE.

WELL, AS I SAID, I HAD A REAL
NICE TIME.
OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD.

NICE TIME.
OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD.
LISTEN, TAKE CARE, AND GOOD

OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD.
LISTEN, TAKE CARE, AND GOOD
LUCK.

LISTEN, TAKE CARE, AND GOOD
LUCK.
BYE.

LUCK.
BYE.
[SMOOCHES]

BYE.
[SMOOCHES]
BYE.

[SMOOCHES]
BYE.
OH, GEE, I HATE TO EVEN MENTION

BYE.
OH, GEE, I HATE TO EVEN MENTION
IT, BUT, YOU KNOW, I ONLY

OH, GEE, I HATE TO EVEN MENTION
IT, BUT, YOU KNOW, I ONLY
DELIVER THE STUFF.

IT, BUT, YOU KNOW, I ONLY
DELIVER THE STUFF.
OH. OF COURSE.

DELIVER THE STUFF.
OH. OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.

OH. OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.
HOW MUCH WAS THAT?

I'M SORRY.
HOW MUCH WAS THAT?
WELL, FOR THE MUSHROOM AND...

HOW MUCH WAS THAT?
WELL, FOR THE MUSHROOM AND...
MUSHROOM AND PEPPERONI... $4.95.

WELL, FOR THE MUSHROOM AND...
MUSHROOM AND PEPPERONI... $4.95.
THE COKES WERE $1.20, SO YOU

MUSHROOM AND PEPPERONI... $4.95.
THE COKES WERE $1.20, SO YOU
GOT, WHAT, ABOUT $6.15.

THE COKES WERE $1.20, SO YOU
GOT, WHAT, ABOUT $6.15.
SO, WITH A TIP, THAT'S, WHAT,

GOT, WHAT, ABOUT $6.15.
SO, WITH A TIP, THAT'S, WHAT,
$7.50?

SO, WITH A TIP, THAT'S, WHAT,
$7.50?
AH, WHAT THE HECK. FORGET IT.

$7.50?
AH, WHAT THE HECK. FORGET IT.
THE TREAT'S ON ME.

AH, WHAT THE HECK. FORGET IT.
THE TREAT'S ON ME.
WELL, THANK YOU.

THE TREAT'S ON ME.
WELL, THANK YOU.
IT'S NOTHING.

LISTEN, IF YOU EVER NEED HOME
DELIVERY AGAIN, THE NUMBER'S ON
THE BOX.

DELIVERY AGAIN, THE NUMBER'S ON
THE BOX.
THANK YOU.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JOAN FACE, AND WELCOME TO
"ON THE SPOT."

I'M JOAN FACE, AND WELCOME TO
"ON THE SPOT."
AS PARENTS OF SCHOOLCHILDREN, WE

"ON THE SPOT."
AS PARENTS OF SCHOOLCHILDREN, WE
SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH THE

AS PARENTS OF SCHOOLCHILDREN, WE
SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH THE
QUALITY OF FOOD OUR CHILDREN ARE

SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH THE
QUALITY OF FOOD OUR CHILDREN ARE
SERVED IN THE SCHOOL LUNCHROOMS.

QUALITY OF FOOD OUR CHILDREN ARE
SERVED IN THE SCHOOL LUNCHROOMS.
ARE THE MEALS BALANCED?

SERVED IN THE SCHOOL LUNCHROOMS.
ARE THE MEALS BALANCED?
ARE THE INGREDIENTS FRESH?

ARE THE MEALS BALANCED?
ARE THE INGREDIENTS FRESH?
ARE THEY PREPARED UNDER SANITARY

ARE THE INGREDIENTS FRESH?
ARE THEY PREPARED UNDER SANITARY
CONDITIONS?

ARE THEY PREPARED UNDER SANITARY
CONDITIONS?
WE ARE ABOUT TO TALK WITH THE

CONDITIONS?
WE ARE ABOUT TO TALK WITH THE
MAN WHO HAS THE NUTRITIONAL

WE ARE ABOUT TO TALK WITH THE
MAN WHO HAS THE NUTRITIONAL
WELFARE OF OUR CHILDREN IN HIS

MAN WHO HAS THE NUTRITIONAL
WELFARE OF OUR CHILDREN IN HIS
HANDS.

WELFARE OF OUR CHILDREN IN HIS
HANDS.
ON THE SPOT WITH US TONIGHT,

HANDS.
ON THE SPOT WITH US TONIGHT,
THE MAN WHO WAS AWARDED THE

ON THE SPOT WITH US TONIGHT,
THE MAN WHO WAS AWARDED THE
CONTRACT TO PROVIDE THE

THE MAN WHO WAS AWARDED THE
CONTRACT TO PROVIDE THE
SCHOOL-LUNCH PROGRAM FOR THE

CONTRACT TO PROVIDE THE
SCHOOL-LUNCH PROGRAM FOR THE
TRISTATE AREA SCHOOL SYSTEM.

SCHOOL-LUNCH PROGRAM FOR THE
TRISTATE AREA SCHOOL SYSTEM.
HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF

TRISTATE AREA SCHOOL SYSTEM.
HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF
INNER CITY FOODS, A DIVISION OF

HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF
INNER CITY FOODS, A DIVISION OF
MAINWAY INTERNATIONAL...

INNER CITY FOODS, A DIVISION OF
MAINWAY INTERNATIONAL...
DR. IRWIN MAINWAY.

MAINWAY INTERNATIONAL...
DR. IRWIN MAINWAY.
THANK YOU, MS. FACE.

DR. IRWIN MAINWAY.
THANK YOU, MS. FACE.
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THE

THANK YOU, MS. FACE.
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THE
CREDIT OF A DOCTOR.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THE
CREDIT OF A DOCTOR.
I UNDERSTAND. MY MISTAKE.

CREDIT OF A DOCTOR.
I UNDERSTAND. MY MISTAKE.
I'M A BUSINESSMAN.

I UNDERSTAND. MY MISTAKE.
I'M A BUSINESSMAN.
I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I'M A BUSINESSMAN.
I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
YES, I KNOW.

I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
YES, I KNOW.
NOW, MR. MAINWAY...

YES, I KNOW.
NOW, MR. MAINWAY...
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I COULD DO

NOW, MR. MAINWAY...
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I COULD DO
IT.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I COULD DO
IT.
I DOUBT THAT.

IT.
I DOUBT THAT.
YOUR PROGRAM HAS BEEN THE

I DOUBT THAT.
YOUR PROGRAM HAS BEEN THE
SUBJECT OF AN INVESTIGATION BY

YOUR PROGRAM HAS BEEN THE
SUBJECT OF AN INVESTIGATION BY
OUR "ON THE SPOT" RESEARCH TEAM,

SUBJECT OF AN INVESTIGATION BY
OUR "ON THE SPOT" RESEARCH TEAM,
AND THE RESULTS ARE DEEPLY

OUR "ON THE SPOT" RESEARCH TEAM,
AND THE RESULTS ARE DEEPLY
DISTURBING, TO SAY THE LEAST.

AND THE RESULTS ARE DEEPLY
DISTURBING, TO SAY THE LEAST.
[SCOFFS]

DISTURBING, TO SAY THE LEAST.
[SCOFFS]
[Chuckling] WHAT ARE YOU

[SCOFFS]
[Chuckling] WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

[Chuckling] WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
THE LUNCHES THAT YOU ARE

TALKING ABOUT?
THE LUNCHES THAT YOU ARE
FEEDING OUR SCHOOLCHILDREN ARE

THE LUNCHES THAT YOU ARE
FEEDING OUR SCHOOLCHILDREN ARE
UTTERLY DEVOID OF ANY

FEEDING OUR SCHOOLCHILDREN ARE
UTTERLY DEVOID OF ANY
NUTRITIONAL CONTENT.

UTTERLY DEVOID OF ANY
NUTRITIONAL CONTENT.
LOOK AT THE LUNCH MENU SERVED

NUTRITIONAL CONTENT.
LOOK AT THE LUNCH MENU SERVED
TO THE YOUNGSTERS AT

LOOK AT THE LUNCH MENU SERVED
TO THE YOUNGSTERS AT
SAMUEL GOMPERS GRAMMAR SCHOOL

TO THE YOUNGSTERS AT
SAMUEL GOMPERS GRAMMAR SCHOOL
LAST WEDNESDAY... GRILLED TOAST

SAMUEL GOMPERS GRAMMAR SCHOOL
LAST WEDNESDAY... GRILLED TOAST
SANDWICH, MACARONI AND HAMBURGER

LAST WEDNESDAY... GRILLED TOAST
SANDWICH, MACARONI AND HAMBURGER
BUNS...

SANDWICH, MACARONI AND HAMBURGER
BUNS...
LITTLE CUBES OF STALE BREAD.

BUNS...
LITTLE CUBES OF STALE BREAD.
WELL, UH, THESE ARE CROUTONS,

LITTLE CUBES OF STALE BREAD.
WELL, UH, THESE ARE CROUTONS,
MS. FACE.

WELL, UH, THESE ARE CROUTONS,
MS. FACE.
THAT'S MY CAESAR SALAD.

MS. FACE.
THAT'S MY CAESAR SALAD.
IT'S PURE STARCH.

THAT'S MY CAESAR SALAD.
IT'S PURE STARCH.
AND WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY?

IT'S PURE STARCH.
AND WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY?
FIRST OF ALL, THE SOUP... A

AND WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY?
FIRST OF ALL, THE SOUP... A
TABLESPOON OF IMITATION GRAPE

FIRST OF ALL, THE SOUP... A
TABLESPOON OF IMITATION GRAPE
JELLY IN A BOWL OF HOT WATER,

TABLESPOON OF IMITATION GRAPE
JELLY IN A BOWL OF HOT WATER,
NOT TO MENTION A COCOWICH...

JELLY IN A BOWL OF HOT WATER,
NOT TO MENTION A COCOWICH...
TWO PIECES OF WHITE BREAD THINLY

NOT TO MENTION A COCOWICH...
TWO PIECES OF WHITE BREAD THINLY
SPREAD WITH DILUTED CHOCOLATE

TWO PIECES OF WHITE BREAD THINLY
SPREAD WITH DILUTED CHOCOLATE
SYRUP.

SPREAD WITH DILUTED CHOCOLATE
SYRUP.
AND TO TOP IT OFF... BLACK

SYRUP.
AND TO TOP IT OFF... BLACK
COFFEE AND CIGARETTES.

AND TO TOP IT OFF... BLACK
COFFEE AND CIGARETTES.
NOW, THAT'S A BOTTOMLESS CUP

COFFEE AND CIGARETTES.
NOW, THAT'S A BOTTOMLESS CUP
OF COFFEE.

NOW, THAT'S A BOTTOMLESS CUP
OF COFFEE.
THOSE KIDS CAN GET REFILLS ALL

OF COFFEE.
THOSE KIDS CAN GET REFILLS ALL
THEY WANT, YOU KNOW?

THOSE KIDS CAN GET REFILLS ALL
THEY WANT, YOU KNOW?
I'LL BET.

THEY WANT, YOU KNOW?
I'LL BET.
THE DESSERT IS A BIG BOWL OF

I'LL BET.
THE DESSERT IS A BIG BOWL OF
WHITE REFINED SUGAR.

THE DESSERT IS A BIG BOWL OF
WHITE REFINED SUGAR.
THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A BALANCED

WHITE REFINED SUGAR.
THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A BALANCED
MEAL, MR. MAINWAY?

THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A BALANCED
MEAL, MR. MAINWAY?
THE KIDS LOVE IT!

MEAL, MR. MAINWAY?
THE KIDS LOVE IT!
COME ON. IT'S HIGH-ENERGY.

THE KIDS LOVE IT!
COME ON. IT'S HIGH-ENERGY.
YOU SHOULD SEE THEM BOUNDING OUT

COME ON. IT'S HIGH-ENERGY.
YOU SHOULD SEE THEM BOUNDING OUT
OF THE CAFETERIA.

YOU SHOULD SEE THEM BOUNDING OUT
OF THE CAFETERIA.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

OF THE CAFETERIA.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THESE KIDS

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THESE KIDS
ON THURSDAY... FINISHING MY MEAL

I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THESE KIDS
ON THURSDAY... FINISHING MY MEAL
ON THURSDAY.

ON THURSDAY... FINISHING MY MEAL
ON THURSDAY.
I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THEM.

ON THURSDAY.
I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THEM.
MR. MAINWAY, COULD YOU TELL

I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THEM.
MR. MAINWAY, COULD YOU TELL
US HOW MUCH THE CITY PAYS YOU TO

MR. MAINWAY, COULD YOU TELL
US HOW MUCH THE CITY PAYS YOU TO
RUN THIS PROGRAM?

US HOW MUCH THE CITY PAYS YOU TO
RUN THIS PROGRAM?
NOT ENOUGH, THAT'S FOR SURE.

RUN THIS PROGRAM?
NOT ENOUGH, THAT'S FOR SURE.
I'LL TELL YOU, MR. MAINWAY.

NOT ENOUGH, THAT'S FOR SURE.
I'LL TELL YOU, MR. MAINWAY.
YOU RECEIVE $2.78 PER STUDENT

I'LL TELL YOU, MR. MAINWAY.
YOU RECEIVE $2.78 PER STUDENT
PER DAY, OF WHICH YOU SPEND

YOU RECEIVE $2.78 PER STUDENT
PER DAY, OF WHICH YOU SPEND
APPROXIMATELY 18 CENTS.

PER DAY, OF WHICH YOU SPEND
APPROXIMATELY 18 CENTS.
YOU'RE DOING PRETTY WELL FOR

APPROXIMATELY 18 CENTS.
YOU'RE DOING PRETTY WELL FOR
YOURSELF, FEEDING LITTLE

YOU'RE DOING PRETTY WELL FOR
YOURSELF, FEEDING LITTLE
CHILDREN SUGAR AND STARCH.

YOURSELF, FEEDING LITTLE
CHILDREN SUGAR AND STARCH.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF

CHILDREN SUGAR AND STARCH.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF
PROTEIN?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF
PROTEIN?
MS. FACE, IF KIDS WANT TO

PROTEIN?
MS. FACE, IF KIDS WANT TO
BRING THEIR OWN PROTEIN, WE

MS. FACE, IF KIDS WANT TO
BRING THEIR OWN PROTEIN, WE
DON'T STOP 'EM.

BRING THEIR OWN PROTEIN, WE
DON'T STOP 'EM.
NOBODY'S CONFISCATING ANY

DON'T STOP 'EM.
NOBODY'S CONFISCATING ANY
PROTEIN AT THE DOOR THAT I HEARD

NOBODY'S CONFISCATING ANY
PROTEIN AT THE DOOR THAT I HEARD
ABOUT, ANYWAY.

PROTEIN AT THE DOOR THAT I HEARD
ABOUT, ANYWAY.
MR. MAINWAY, ISN'T IT TRUE

ABOUT, ANYWAY.
MR. MAINWAY, ISN'T IT TRUE
THAT ON LAST APRIL 18th, THE

MR. MAINWAY, ISN'T IT TRUE
THAT ON LAST APRIL 18th, THE
SCHOOLCHILDREN OF THIS CITY ATE

THAT ON LAST APRIL 18th, THE
SCHOOLCHILDREN OF THIS CITY ATE
A HOT LUNCH COMPOSED ALMOST

SCHOOLCHILDREN OF THIS CITY ATE
A HOT LUNCH COMPOSED ALMOST
ENTIRELY OF PUREED INSECTS?

A HOT LUNCH COMPOSED ALMOST
ENTIRELY OF PUREED INSECTS?
THAT WAS A HOT LUNCH, THOUGH.

ENTIRELY OF PUREED INSECTS?
THAT WAS A HOT LUNCH, THOUGH.
YEAH, HOT INSECTS.

THAT WAS A HOT LUNCH, THOUGH.
YEAH, HOT INSECTS.
HEY, COME ON.

YEAH, HOT INSECTS.
HEY, COME ON.
GIVE ME A BREAK.

HEY, COME ON.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
I GOT TO FIND OUT WHAT THESE

GIVE ME A BREAK.
I GOT TO FIND OUT WHAT THESE
KIDS LIKE.

I GOT TO FIND OUT WHAT THESE
KIDS LIKE.
JUNE 1st... RAVIOLI STUFFED

KIDS LIKE.
JUNE 1st... RAVIOLI STUFFED
WITH CHALK.

JUNE 1st... RAVIOLI STUFFED
WITH CHALK.
NOW, THAT WAS AN EXPERIMENT

WITH CHALK.
NOW, THAT WAS AN EXPERIMENT
THAT DIDN'T WORK.

NOW, THAT WAS AN EXPERIMENT
THAT DIDN'T WORK.
I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND LIE

THAT DIDN'T WORK.
I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND LIE
TO YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND LIE
TO YOU.
I MADE A MISTAKE.

TO YOU.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
I MEAN, I'M SURE YOU MAKE

I MADE A MISTAKE.
I MEAN, I'M SURE YOU MAKE
MISTAKES, TOO, MS. FACE.

I MEAN, I'M SURE YOU MAKE
MISTAKES, TOO, MS. FACE.
MY COMPANY GOT A BREAK ON

MISTAKES, TOO, MS. FACE.
MY COMPANY GOT A BREAK ON
QUANTITY OF CHALK.

MY COMPANY GOT A BREAK ON
QUANTITY OF CHALK.
I WENT FOR IT.

QUANTITY OF CHALK.
I WENT FOR IT.
HEY, I'M NOT GOD.

I WENT FOR IT.
HEY, I'M NOT GOD.
MR. MAINWAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT

HEY, I'M NOT GOD.
MR. MAINWAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE MILK YOU'RE SERVING OUR

MR. MAINWAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE MILK YOU'RE SERVING OUR
CHILDREN.

THE MILK YOU'RE SERVING OUR
CHILDREN.
WE'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF

CHILDREN.
WE'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF
HAVING YOUR MILK ANALYZED AT THE

WE'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF
HAVING YOUR MILK ANALYZED AT THE
LAB.

HAVING YOUR MILK ANALYZED AT THE
LAB.
I THINK THE PUBLIC HAS A RIGHT

LAB.
I THINK THE PUBLIC HAS A RIGHT
TO KNOW.

I THINK THE PUBLIC HAS A RIGHT
TO KNOW.
IT'S DOG MILK.

TO KNOW.
IT'S DOG MILK.
YEAH. SO WHAT?

IT'S DOG MILK.
YEAH. SO WHAT?
DOGS ARE MAMMALS, AREN'T THEY?

YEAH. SO WHAT?
DOGS ARE MAMMALS, AREN'T THEY?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GET

DOGS ARE MAMMALS, AREN'T THEY?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GET
IT, HOW YOU GET IT, OR WHO

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GET
IT, HOW YOU GET IT, OR WHO
ACTUALLY MILKS THE DOGS, AND I

IT, HOW YOU GET IT, OR WHO
ACTUALLY MILKS THE DOGS, AND I
DON'T CARE TO KNOW.

ACTUALLY MILKS THE DOGS, AND I
DON'T CARE TO KNOW.
WELL, THAT'S YOUR LOSS,

DON'T CARE TO KNOW.
WELL, THAT'S YOUR LOSS,
MS. FACE, BECAUSE IT'S A VERY

WELL, THAT'S YOUR LOSS,
MS. FACE, BECAUSE IT'S A VERY
INTERESTING PROCESS, LET ME

MS. FACE, BECAUSE IT'S A VERY
INTERESTING PROCESS, LET ME
TELL YA.

INTERESTING PROCESS, LET ME
TELL YA.
MR. MAINWAY...

TELL YA.
MR. MAINWAY...
YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT.

MR. MAINWAY...
YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT.
NOT ONLY ARE YOU ROBBING THE

YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT.
NOT ONLY ARE YOU ROBBING THE
TAXPAYERS OF THEIR DOLLARS, YOU

NOT ONLY ARE YOU ROBBING THE
TAXPAYERS OF THEIR DOLLARS, YOU
ARE ALSO ROBBING OUR CHILDREN OF

TAXPAYERS OF THEIR DOLLARS, YOU
ARE ALSO ROBBING OUR CHILDREN OF
THEIR RIGHT TO GOOD HEALTH.

ARE ALSO ROBBING OUR CHILDREN OF
THEIR RIGHT TO GOOD HEALTH.
YOU'RE STUNTING THEIR GROWTH AND

THEIR RIGHT TO GOOD HEALTH.
YOU'RE STUNTING THEIR GROWTH AND
DULLING THEIR BRAINS.

YOU'RE STUNTING THEIR GROWTH AND
DULLING THEIR BRAINS.
HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

DULLING THEIR BRAINS.
HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IS THIS THE WORST STUFF TO

I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IS THIS THE WORST STUFF TO
EAT... THE STUFF I'M SERVING

IS THIS THE WORST STUFF TO
EAT... THE STUFF I'M SERVING
THEM?

EAT... THE STUFF I'M SERVING
THEM?
AT LEAST IT'S NOT DANGEROUS.

THEM?
AT LEAST IT'S NOT DANGEROUS.
I MEAN, EATING IS A DANGEROUS

AT LEAST IT'S NOT DANGEROUS.
I MEAN, EATING IS A DANGEROUS
OPERATION, ANYWAY.

I MEAN, EATING IS A DANGEROUS
OPERATION, ANYWAY.
IT'S NOT 100% SAFE.

OPERATION, ANYWAY.
IT'S NOT 100% SAFE.
LIKE IF YOU WERE EATING A HOT

IT'S NOT 100% SAFE.
LIKE IF YOU WERE EATING A HOT
APPLE PIE, YOU KNOW... SOMEBODY

LIKE IF YOU WERE EATING A HOT
APPLE PIE, YOU KNOW... SOMEBODY
SLAMS THE DOOR, A FORK GOES

APPLE PIE, YOU KNOW... SOMEBODY
SLAMS THE DOOR, A FORK GOES
THROUGH YOUR CHEEK, YOU KNOW?

SLAMS THE DOOR, A FORK GOES
THROUGH YOUR CHEEK, YOU KNOW?
YOU COULD BURN YOUR MOUTH, YOU

THROUGH YOUR CHEEK, YOU KNOW?
YOU COULD BURN YOUR MOUTH, YOU
KNOW?

YOU COULD BURN YOUR MOUTH, YOU
KNOW?
MS. FACE, I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD A

KNOW?
MS. FACE, I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD A
HAM SANDWICH ON RYE BREAD,

MS. FACE, I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD A
HAM SANDWICH ON RYE BREAD,
RIGHT?

HAM SANDWICH ON RYE BREAD,
RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THAT RYE BREAD THERE?

RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THAT RYE BREAD THERE?
THEY PUT THOSE LITTLE CARAWAY

YOU KNOW THAT RYE BREAD THERE?
THEY PUT THOSE LITTLE CARAWAY
SEEDS IN THERE.

THEY PUT THOSE LITTLE CARAWAY
SEEDS IN THERE.
WELL, NOW, IF YOU BITE DOWN HARD

SEEDS IN THERE.
WELL, NOW, IF YOU BITE DOWN HARD
ON A PIECE OF BREAD AND YOUR

WELL, NOW, IF YOU BITE DOWN HARD
ON A PIECE OF BREAD AND YOUR
TOOTH CATCHES THAT SEED AT A

ON A PIECE OF BREAD AND YOUR
TOOTH CATCHES THAT SEED AT A
CERTAIN ANGLE, THAT SEED HAS

TOOTH CATCHES THAT SEED AT A
CERTAIN ANGLE, THAT SEED HAS
BEEN KNOWN TO FLY UP, HIT YOU IN

CERTAIN ANGLE, THAT SEED HAS
BEEN KNOWN TO FLY UP, HIT YOU IN
THE EYE... YOU GO BLIND.

BEEN KNOWN TO FLY UP, HIT YOU IN
THE EYE... YOU GO BLIND.
I MEAN... LOOK.

THE EYE... YOU GO BLIND.
I MEAN... LOOK.
IT'S GOD'S GIFT TO NATURE, YOU

I MEAN... LOOK.
IT'S GOD'S GIFT TO NATURE, YOU
KNOW... ADAM AND EVE, THE APPLE,

IT'S GOD'S GIFT TO NATURE, YOU
KNOW... ADAM AND EVE, THE APPLE,
THE FIRST THING ON EARTH, RIGHT?

KNOW... ADAM AND EVE, THE APPLE,
THE FIRST THING ON EARTH, RIGHT?
OKAY, I'M GONNA TAKE A NATURAL

THE FIRST THING ON EARTH, RIGHT?
OKAY, I'M GONNA TAKE A NATURAL
BITE OF THE APPLE, YOU KNOW?

OKAY, I'M GONNA TAKE A NATURAL
BITE OF THE APPLE, YOU KNOW?
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

BITE OF THE APPLE, YOU KNOW?
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
I'LL TAKE A BITE OF THE APPLE,

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
I'LL TAKE A BITE OF THE APPLE,
I'LL SIT HERE, TALK TO YOU...

I'LL TAKE A BITE OF THE APPLE,
I'LL SIT HERE, TALK TO YOU...
I'LL TAKE A BREATH.

I'LL SIT HERE, TALK TO YOU...
I'LL TAKE A BREATH.
[CHOKES, COUGHS]

I'LL TAKE A BREATH.
[CHOKES, COUGHS]
I MEAN, THAT'S AN EXAMPLE OF...

[CHOKES, COUGHS]
I MEAN, THAT'S AN EXAMPLE OF...
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE

I MEAN, THAT'S AN EXAMPLE OF...
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE ON "ON THE SPOT."

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE ON "ON THE SPOT."
DOWN THE WRONG PIPE!

TIME WE HAVE ON "ON THE SPOT."
DOWN THE WRONG PIPE!
MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE A

DOWN THE WRONG PIPE!
MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE A
MORALLY BANKRUPT PERSON.

MR. MAINWAY, YOU ARE A
MORALLY BANKRUPT PERSON.
WHAT ABOUT A BANANA?

MORALLY BANKRUPT PERSON.
WHAT ABOUT A BANANA?
HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE SEEN

WHAT ABOUT A BANANA?
HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE SEEN
PEOPLE BREAK THEIR BACK OF A

HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE SEEN
PEOPLE BREAK THEIR BACK OF A
BANANA?!

PEOPLE BREAK THEIR BACK OF A
BANANA?!
YOU THROW A BANANA DOWN, IT'LL

BANANA?!
YOU THROW A BANANA DOWN, IT'LL
TAKE 'EM BACK, YOU KNOW?

Announcer: HEY, KIDS.
IT'S TIME FOR
"THE MR. BILL SHOW."

IT'S TIME FOR
"THE MR. BILL SHOW."
HEY, YAY!

"THE MR. BILL SHOW."
HEY, YAY!
OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT

HEY, YAY!
OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY, 'CAUSE WE'RE MOVING

OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY, 'CAUSE WE'RE MOVING
TO NEW YORK CITY!

TIME TODAY, 'CAUSE WE'RE MOVING
TO NEW YORK CITY!
YAY!

TO NEW YORK CITY!
YAY!
AND HERE'S MY TOUR GUIDE,

YAY!
AND HERE'S MY TOUR GUIDE,
MR. HANDS!

AND HERE'S MY TOUR GUIDE,
MR. HANDS!
YAY!

MR. HANDS!
YAY!
HEY, MR. BILL.

YAY!
HEY, MR. BILL.
ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THE

HEY, MR. BILL.
ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THE
BIG APPLE?

ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THE
BIG APPLE?
OH, I SURE AM, MR. HANDS.

BIG APPLE?
OH, I SURE AM, MR. HANDS.
TAKE ME TO THE STATUE OF

OH, I SURE AM, MR. HANDS.
TAKE ME TO THE STATUE OF
LIBERTY, HUH?

TAKE ME TO THE STATUE OF
LIBERTY, HUH?
SURE.

LIBERTY, HUH?
SURE.
BUT FIRST, LET'S TAKE A SUBWAY

SURE.
BUT FIRST, LET'S TAKE A SUBWAY
RIDE TO YOUR BEST FRIEND,

BUT FIRST, LET'S TAKE A SUBWAY
RIDE TO YOUR BEST FRIEND,
MR. SLUGGO'S HOUSE.

RIDE TO YOUR BEST FRIEND,
MR. SLUGGO'S HOUSE.
BUT I'D RATHER GO TO THE

MR. SLUGGO'S HOUSE.
BUT I'D RATHER GO TO THE
STATUE OF LIBERTY-Y-Y-Y-Y!

BUT I'D RATHER GO TO THE
STATUE OF LIBERTY-Y-Y-Y-Y!
OH, HERE WE ARE IN BEAUTIFUL

STATUE OF LIBERTY-Y-Y-Y-Y!
OH, HERE WE ARE IN BEAUTIFUL
DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN.

OH, HERE WE ARE IN BEAUTIFUL
DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN.
AND GUESS WHO'S COMING TO VISIT?

DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN.
AND GUESS WHO'S COMING TO VISIT?
UH, WHO'S THAT?

AND GUESS WHO'S COMING TO VISIT?
UH, WHO'S THAT?
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S

UH, WHO'S THAT?
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S
DO-O-O-O-O-O-G ♪

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S
DO-O-O-O-O-O-G ♪
YAY!

DO-O-O-O-O-O-G ♪
YAY!
IT'S MY DOG, SPOT!

YAY!
IT'S MY DOG, SPOT!
YAY!

IT'S MY DOG, SPOT!
YAY!
HOW YOU DOIN', SPOT?

YAY!
HOW YOU DOIN', SPOT?
OH, NO!

HOW YOU DOIN', SPOT?
OH, NO!
THAT MR. SLUGGO IS GONNA BE MEAN

OH, NO!
THAT MR. SLUGGO IS GONNA BE MEAN
TO ME!

THAT MR. SLUGGO IS GONNA BE MEAN
TO ME!
NO.

TO ME!
NO.
HE JUST SAYS SPOT HAS TO GO.

NO.
HE JUST SAYS SPOT HAS TO GO.
GO WHERE, HUH?

HE JUST SAYS SPOT HAS TO GO.
GO WHERE, HUH?
[LAUGHS]

GO WHERE, HUH?
[LAUGHS]
OH, SURE, SURE.

[LAUGHS]
OH, SURE, SURE.
I'M SURE GLAD YOU DON'T DO IT ON

OH, SURE, SURE.
I'M SURE GLAD YOU DON'T DO IT ON
THE RUG ANYMORE.

I'M SURE GLAD YOU DON'T DO IT ON
THE RUG ANYMORE.
[LAUGHS]

THE RUG ANYMORE.
[LAUGHS]
NO, NO, WAIT! NO, WAIT!

[LAUGHS]
NO, NO, WAIT! NO, WAIT!
N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

NO, NO, WAIT! NO, WAIT!
N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
NEW LAW SAYS YOU HAVE TO

N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
NEW LAW SAYS YOU HAVE TO
CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DOG.

NEW LAW SAYS YOU HAVE TO
CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DOG.
OH, SPOT! NO!

CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DOG.
OH, SPOT! NO!
NOW FOR SOME SHOPPING AT THE

OH, SPOT! NO!
NOW FOR SOME SHOPPING AT THE
FAMOUS MACY'S DEPARTMENT STORE.

NOW FOR SOME SHOPPING AT THE
FAMOUS MACY'S DEPARTMENT STORE.
YAY!

FAMOUS MACY'S DEPARTMENT STORE.
YAY!
SAY, CAN YOU BUY ME SOME NEW

YAY!
SAY, CAN YOU BUY ME SOME NEW
CLOTHES?

SAY, CAN YOU BUY ME SOME NEW
CLOTHES?
SURE.

CLOTHES?
SURE.
LET'S RIDE THE ESCALATOR.

SURE.
LET'S RIDE THE ESCALATOR.
AND MAYBE WE'LL PICK YOU UP A

LET'S RIDE THE ESCALATOR.
AND MAYBE WE'LL PICK YOU UP A
NEW PAIR OF SHOES, HUH?

AND MAYBE WE'LL PICK YOU UP A
NEW PAIR OF SHOES, HUH?
OH, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T RIDE

NEW PAIR OF SHOES, HUH?
OH, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T RIDE
THE ESCALATOR TOO WELL,

OH, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T RIDE
THE ESCALATOR TOO WELL,
MR. HANDS.

THE ESCALATOR TOO WELL,
MR. HANDS.
NO, WAIT!

MR. HANDS.
NO, WAIT!
AAAAAAAAAAH!

NO, WAIT!
AAAAAAAAAAH!
NOW FOR A VISIT TO THE TOP OF

AAAAAAAAAAH!
NOW FOR A VISIT TO THE TOP OF
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

NOW FOR A VISIT TO THE TOP OF
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
BUT YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID OF

THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
BUT YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID OF
HEIGHTS.

BUT YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID OF
HEIGHTS.
NO!

HEIGHTS.
NO!
LET'S GET A LITTLE CLOSER FOR

NO!
LET'S GET A LITTLE CLOSER FOR
AN EVEN MORE SPECTACULAR VIEW.

LET'S GET A LITTLE CLOSER FOR
AN EVEN MORE SPECTACULAR VIEW.
N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

AN EVEN MORE SPECTACULAR VIEW.
N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG."

N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG."
HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.

MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG."
HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT SHOW.

HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT SHOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ I WRITE THE SONGS THAT MAKE
THE WHOLE WORLD SING ♪
♪ I WRITE THE SONGS... ♪

THE WHOLE WORLD SING ♪
♪ I WRITE THE SONGS... ♪
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

♪ I WRITE THE SONGS... ♪
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
[RINGING CONTINUES]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

[RINGING CONTINUES]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
OH, HI, MOM.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
OH, HI, MOM.
YEAH, UH-HUH, HE'S FINE.

OH, HI, MOM.
YEAH, UH-HUH, HE'S FINE.
THEY'RE FINE.

YEAH, UH-HUH, HE'S FINE.
THEY'RE FINE.
RIGHT.

THEY'RE FINE.
RIGHT.
NO, LARRY'S NOT HOME YET.

RIGHT.
NO, LARRY'S NOT HOME YET.
RIGHT. I'M MAKING A CHICKEN.

NO, LARRY'S NOT HOME YET.
RIGHT. I'M MAKING A CHICKEN.
UH-HUH.

RIGHT. I'M MAKING A CHICKEN.
UH-HUH.
YEAH, WE HAD THE BRISKET OF BEEF

UH-HUH.
YEAH, WE HAD THE BRISKET OF BEEF
LAST NIGHT AND THE MASHED

YEAH, WE HAD THE BRISKET OF BEEF
LAST NIGHT AND THE MASHED
POTATOES.

LAST NIGHT AND THE MASHED
POTATOES.
YEAH, RIGHT, UH-HUH... USE THE

POTATOES.
YEAH, RIGHT, UH-HUH... USE THE
DIET FLEISCHMANN.

YEAH, RIGHT, UH-HUH... USE THE
DIET FLEISCHMANN.
YEAH, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE

DIET FLEISCHMANN.
YEAH, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE.

YEAH, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE.
REALLY, IT IS INCREDIBLE.

DIFFERENCE.
REALLY, IT IS INCREDIBLE.
I MEAN, I HAVE BEEN PULLING

REALLY, IT IS INCREDIBLE.
I MEAN, I HAVE BEEN PULLING
DIET FLEISCHMANN ON LARRY FOR

I MEAN, I HAVE BEEN PULLING
DIET FLEISCHMANN ON LARRY FOR
THE LAST THREE MONTHS.

DIET FLEISCHMANN ON LARRY FOR
THE LAST THREE MONTHS.
HE CAN'T TELL.

THE LAST THREE MONTHS.
HE CAN'T TELL.
IT'S COLOR WITH HIM.

HE CAN'T TELL.
IT'S COLOR WITH HIM.
FOOD IS COLOR.

IT'S COLOR WITH HIM.
FOOD IS COLOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

FOOD IS COLOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
RIGHT.
MOM, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.

RIGHT.
MOM, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GONNA

MOM, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THIS, BUT I'M THINKING OF

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THIS, BUT I'M THINKING OF
CHANGING THE KIDS' NAMES.

TAKE THIS, BUT I'M THINKING OF
CHANGING THE KIDS' NAMES.
YEAH, WHEN THEY WERE BORN... I

CHANGING THE KIDS' NAMES.
YEAH, WHEN THEY WERE BORN... I
MEAN, "ADAM" AND "JENNIFER"

YEAH, WHEN THEY WERE BORN... I
MEAN, "ADAM" AND "JENNIFER"
SEEMED LIKE GREAT NAMES FOR

MEAN, "ADAM" AND "JENNIFER"
SEEMED LIKE GREAT NAMES FOR
KIDS, YOU KNOW?

SEEMED LIKE GREAT NAMES FOR
KIDS, YOU KNOW?
BUT NOW I'M SICK OF CALLING THEM

KIDS, YOU KNOW?
BUT NOW I'M SICK OF CALLING THEM
THAT.

BUT NOW I'M SICK OF CALLING THEM
THAT.
I MEAN, EVERYWHERE I GO,

THAT.
I MEAN, EVERYWHERE I GO,
EVERYBODY'S KID IS NAMED ADAM

I MEAN, EVERYWHERE I GO,
EVERYBODY'S KID IS NAMED ADAM
AND JENNIFER.

EVERYBODY'S KID IS NAMED ADAM
AND JENNIFER.
WHAT HAPPENED?

AND JENNIFER.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I THOUGHT I ORIGINATED THOSE

WHAT HAPPENED?
I THOUGHT I ORIGINATED THOSE
NAMES.

I THOUGHT I ORIGINATED THOSE
NAMES.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S ONLY BEEN FIVE

NAMES.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S ONLY BEEN FIVE
YEARS FOR ADAM AND SEVEN YEARS

YEAH, WELL, IT'S ONLY BEEN FIVE
YEARS FOR ADAM AND SEVEN YEARS
FOR JENNIFER.

YEARS FOR ADAM AND SEVEN YEARS
FOR JENNIFER.
I MEAN, THEY CAN GET USED TO NEW

FOR JENNIFER.
I MEAN, THEY CAN GET USED TO NEW
NAMES.

I MEAN, THEY CAN GET USED TO NEW
NAMES.
I MEAN, THEY'RE KIDS... THEY'LL

NAMES.
I MEAN, THEY'RE KIDS... THEY'LL
ADJUST.

I MEAN, THEY'RE KIDS... THEY'LL
ADJUST.
RIGHT, UH-HUH.

ADJUST.
RIGHT, UH-HUH.
IT'S LARRY I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

RIGHT, UH-HUH.
IT'S LARRY I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
YOU KNOW HOW RESISTANT HE IS TO

IT'S LARRY I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
YOU KNOW HOW RESISTANT HE IS TO
CHANGE.

YOU KNOW HOW RESISTANT HE IS TO
CHANGE.
I MEAN, HE HAS TO PUT HIS...

CHANGE.
I MEAN, HE HAS TO PUT HIS...
HOLD ON, MOM.

I MEAN, HE HAS TO PUT HIS...
HOLD ON, MOM.
HE HAS TO PUT ON HIS CLOTHES IN

HOLD ON, MOM.
HE HAS TO PUT ON HIS CLOTHES IN
THE SAME ORDER EVERY MORNING.

HE HAS TO PUT ON HIS CLOTHES IN
THE SAME ORDER EVERY MORNING.
REALLY, IT'S INCREDIBLE.

THE SAME ORDER EVERY MORNING.
REALLY, IT'S INCREDIBLE.
WELL, I SPOKE TO MY ANALYST

REALLY, IT'S INCREDIBLE.
WELL, I SPOKE TO MY ANALYST
ABOUT IT.

WELL, I SPOKE TO MY ANALYST
ABOUT IT.
RIGHT.

ABOUT IT.
RIGHT.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

RIGHT.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I KNOW YOU DON'T.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I KNOW YOU DON'T.
RIGHT, BUT I NEED IT FOR MY

I KNOW YOU DON'T.
RIGHT, BUT I NEED IT FOR MY
LIFE.

RIGHT, BUT I NEED IT FOR MY
LIFE.
NO, MOTHER, I NEVER MENTION YOU.

LIFE.
NO, MOTHER, I NEVER MENTION YOU.
YOU NEVER COME UP.

NO, MOTHER, I NEVER MENTION YOU.
YOU NEVER COME UP.
I NEVER SAY A THING ABOUT YOU.

YOU NEVER COME UP.
I NEVER SAY A THING ABOUT YOU.
RIGHT, OKAY.

I NEVER SAY A THING ABOUT YOU.
RIGHT, OKAY.
MOTHER, HE COULDN'T TELL IF HE

RIGHT, OKAY.
MOTHER, HE COULDN'T TELL IF HE
WANTED TO.

MOTHER, HE COULDN'T TELL IF HE
WANTED TO.
I MEAN, THEY TAKE AN OATH OR

WANTED TO.
I MEAN, THEY TAKE AN OATH OR
SOMETHING.

I MEAN, THEY TAKE AN OATH OR
SOMETHING.
NO, I NEVER MENTION DADDY,

SOMETHING.
NO, I NEVER MENTION DADDY,
EITHER.

NO, I NEVER MENTION DADDY,
EITHER.
WE JUST TALK ABOUT THE

EITHER.
WE JUST TALK ABOUT THE
PRESENT... WHAT'S ABSOLUTELY

WE JUST TALK ABOUT THE
PRESENT... WHAT'S ABSOLUTELY
NECESSARY, WHAT'S HAPPENING.

PRESENT... WHAT'S ABSOLUTELY
NECESSARY, WHAT'S HAPPENING.
WELL, ANYWAYS, HE THOUGHT IT WAS

NECESSARY, WHAT'S HAPPENING.
WELL, ANYWAYS, HE THOUGHT IT WAS
VERY SELFISH OF ME TO WANT TO

WELL, ANYWAYS, HE THOUGHT IT WAS
VERY SELFISH OF ME TO WANT TO
CHANGE THE CHILDREN'S NAMES, BUT

VERY SELFISH OF ME TO WANT TO
CHANGE THE CHILDREN'S NAMES, BUT
HE SAYS I HAVE TO GO WITH MY

CHANGE THE CHILDREN'S NAMES, BUT
HE SAYS I HAVE TO GO WITH MY
FEELINGS IF I'M EVER TO GROW.

HE SAYS I HAVE TO GO WITH MY
FEELINGS IF I'M EVER TO GROW.
SO, ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING OF

FEELINGS IF I'M EVER TO GROW.
SO, ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING OF
CHANGING ADAM'S NAME TO

SO, ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING OF
CHANGING ADAM'S NAME TO
SYLVESTER.

CHANGING ADAM'S NAME TO
SYLVESTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S TOO LONG?

SYLVESTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S TOO LONG?
I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE THE SOUND

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S TOO LONG?
I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE THE SOUND
OF "SLY BARBER."

I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE THE SOUND
OF "SLY BARBER."
I MEAN, THERE'S A SLY IN MY

OF "SLY BARBER."
I MEAN, THERE'S A SLY IN MY
OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS CLASS.

I MEAN, THERE'S A SLY IN MY
OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS CLASS.
RIGHT.

OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS CLASS.
RIGHT.
OH, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT.

RIGHT.
OH, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST GREAT BEING IN

OH, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST GREAT BEING IN
A GROUP WITH SO MANY COMPULSIVE

I MEAN, IT'S JUST GREAT BEING IN
A GROUP WITH SO MANY COMPULSIVE
PEOPLE.

A GROUP WITH SO MANY COMPULSIVE
PEOPLE.
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GOT CIGARETTES

PEOPLE.
EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GOT CIGARETTES
AND GUM... ANYTHING YOU NEED,

EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GOT CIGARETTES
AND GUM... ANYTHING YOU NEED,
RIGHT.

AND GUM... ANYTHING YOU NEED,
RIGHT.
MOM?

RIGHT.
MOM?
YEAH, MOM, I GOT TO GET THIS

MOM?
YEAH, MOM, I GOT TO GET THIS
CHICKEN IN THE OVEN.

YEAH, MOM, I GOT TO GET THIS
CHICKEN IN THE OVEN.
LARRY WILL BE HOME ANY MINUTE,

CHICKEN IN THE OVEN.
LARRY WILL BE HOME ANY MINUTE,
ALL RIGHT?

LARRY WILL BE HOME ANY MINUTE,
ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, CIAO, MOM.

ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, CIAO, MOM.
"CIAO"... IT MEANS "GOODBYE."

OKAY, CIAO, MOM.
"CIAO"... IT MEANS "GOODBYE."
IN ITALIAN.

"CIAO"... IT MEANS "GOODBYE."
IN ITALIAN.
RIGHT, IT'S LIKE "SHALOM," YOU

IN ITALIAN.
RIGHT, IT'S LIKE "SHALOM," YOU
KNOW?

RIGHT, IT'S LIKE "SHALOM," YOU
KNOW?
WAIT, MOM.

KNOW?
WAIT, MOM.
UM, RIGHT, ALL RIGHT... WELL, I

WAIT, MOM.
UM, RIGHT, ALL RIGHT... WELL, I
CAN SPEAK TO YOU LATER.

UM, RIGHT, ALL RIGHT... WELL, I
CAN SPEAK TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.

CAN SPEAK TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME
IN AN HOUR.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME
IN AN HOUR.
AL...

IN AN HOUR.
AL...
WELL, PHONE ME BACK 45 MINUTES.

AL...
WELL, PHONE ME BACK 45 MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT, AL...

WELL, PHONE ME BACK 45 MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT, AL...
WELL, YOU PH...

ALL RIGHT, AL...
WELL, YOU PH...
ALL RIGHT.

WELL, YOU PH...
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HOW LONG IS THE SHOW?

ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HOW LONG IS THE SHOW?
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME

WELL, HOW LONG IS THE SHOW?
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME
WHEN IT'S OVER, OR I'LL PHONE

ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME
WHEN IT'S OVER, OR I'LL PHONE
YOU.

WHEN IT'S OVER, OR I'LL PHONE
YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
AL... ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL

ALL RIGHT.
AL... ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

AL... ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME.

RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, MOM.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU PHONE ME.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, MOM.
ALL RIGHT.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, MOM.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
A-ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT.
A-ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
GOODBYE!

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

AS WE COME TO THE CLOSE OF
ANOTHER BROADCAST DAY, I FIND
MYSELF DEPRESSED AS HELL.

ANOTHER BROADCAST DAY, I FIND
MYSELF DEPRESSED AS HELL.
AM I CONCERNED?

MYSELF DEPRESSED AS HELL.
AM I CONCERNED?
NO.

AM I CONCERNED?
NO.
AS THE BIBLE TELLS US, "IF YOU

NO.
AS THE BIBLE TELLS US, "IF YOU
ARE THERE FOR THE LORD, HE WILL

AS THE BIBLE TELLS US, "IF YOU
ARE THERE FOR THE LORD, HE WILL
BE THERE FOR YOU."

ARE THERE FOR THE LORD, HE WILL
BE THERE FOR YOU."
HOWEVER, THIS WAS NOT ALWAYS SO.

BE THERE FOR YOU."
HOWEVER, THIS WAS NOT ALWAYS SO.
IN THE DAYS BEFORE ABRAHAM, LONG

HOWEVER, THIS WAS NOT ALWAYS SO.
IN THE DAYS BEFORE ABRAHAM, LONG
AGO IN THE FERTILE CRESCENT OF

IN THE DAYS BEFORE ABRAHAM, LONG
AGO IN THE FERTILE CRESCENT OF
MESOPOTAMIA, MEN BELIEVED THAT

AGO IN THE FERTILE CRESCENT OF
MESOPOTAMIA, MEN BELIEVED THAT
THERE WERE DIFFERENT GODS FOR

MESOPOTAMIA, MEN BELIEVED THAT
THERE WERE DIFFERENT GODS FOR
EVERY OCCASION.

THERE WERE DIFFERENT GODS FOR
EVERY OCCASION.
THERE WAS RA, THE SUN GOD...

EVERY OCCASION.
THERE WAS RA, THE SUN GOD...
ARETHA, GODDESS OF SOUL...

THERE WAS RA, THE SUN GOD...
ARETHA, GODDESS OF SOUL...
AND HERPES, MESSENGER OF THE

ARETHA, GODDESS OF SOUL...
AND HERPES, MESSENGER OF THE
SKIN GOD...

AND HERPES, MESSENGER OF THE
SKIN GOD...
TO JUST NAME A FEW.

SKIN GOD...
TO JUST NAME A FEW.
HOWEVER, THERE WAS ONE MAN,

TO JUST NAME A FEW.
HOWEVER, THERE WAS ONE MAN,
MOAB, WHO QUESTIONED AND LOOKED

HOWEVER, THERE WAS ONE MAN,
MOAB, WHO QUESTIONED AND LOOKED
FOR SOMETHING MORE.

WHAT GOD SHALL WE PRAY TO
TODAY?
I DON'T THINK I'LL BE PRAYING

TODAY?
I DON'T THINK I'LL BE PRAYING
TODAY, RIFKA.

I DON'T THINK I'LL BE PRAYING
TODAY, RIFKA.
I'M GONNA STAY HOME AND CLEAN

TODAY, RIFKA.
I'M GONNA STAY HOME AND CLEAN
THE RAM.

I'M GONNA STAY HOME AND CLEAN
THE RAM.
MOAB, MY HUSBAND, A MAN SO

THE RAM.
MOAB, MY HUSBAND, A MAN SO
DEVOUT AS YOURSELF IS NOT GOING

MOAB, MY HUSBAND, A MAN SO
DEVOUT AS YOURSELF IS NOT GOING
TO PRAY?

DEVOUT AS YOURSELF IS NOT GOING
TO PRAY?
BUT WHY?

TO PRAY?
BUT WHY?
WELL, I'M CONFUSED ABOUT, YOU

BUT WHY?
WELL, I'M CONFUSED ABOUT, YOU
KNOW, WHICH IS REALLY GOD.

WELL, I'M CONFUSED ABOUT, YOU
KNOW, WHICH IS REALLY GOD.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

KNOW, WHICH IS REALLY GOD.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, LAST MONTH, I WAS

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, LAST MONTH, I WAS
CONVINCED THAT THE ANT WAS THE

WELL, LAST MONTH, I WAS
CONVINCED THAT THE ANT WAS THE
ALMIGHTY.

CONVINCED THAT THE ANT WAS THE
ALMIGHTY.
HE CAN LIFT 100 TIMES HIS

ALMIGHTY.
HE CAN LIFT 100 TIMES HIS
WEIGHT, CAN HE NOT?

HE CAN LIFT 100 TIMES HIS
WEIGHT, CAN HE NOT?
SO I PRAYED TO IT.

WEIGHT, CAN HE NOT?
SO I PRAYED TO IT.
THE NEXT DAY, THE ANT WAS EATEN

SO I PRAYED TO IT.
THE NEXT DAY, THE ANT WAS EATEN
BY A BEETLE.

THE NEXT DAY, THE ANT WAS EATEN
BY A BEETLE.
WELL, THINKING THAT THE BEETLE

BY A BEETLE.
WELL, THINKING THAT THE BEETLE
WAS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE ANT,

WELL, THINKING THAT THE BEETLE
WAS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE ANT,
I LOGICALLY STARTED PRAYING TO

WAS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE ANT,
I LOGICALLY STARTED PRAYING TO
IT.

I LOGICALLY STARTED PRAYING TO
IT.
THEN THE BEETLE WAS, UH,

IT.
THEN THE BEETLE WAS, UH,
CONSUMED BY A SPARROW.

THEN THE BEETLE WAS, UH,
CONSUMED BY A SPARROW.
SO THE SPARROW BECAME MY GOD,

CONSUMED BY A SPARROW.
SO THE SPARROW BECAME MY GOD,
UNTIL MOMENTS AGO, WHEN IT WAS

SO THE SPARROW BECAME MY GOD,
UNTIL MOMENTS AGO, WHEN IT WAS
DEVOURED BY OUR SON, SHLOMO.

UNTIL MOMENTS AGO, WHEN IT WAS
DEVOURED BY OUR SON, SHLOMO.
GREAT SPARROW, MOM.

DEVOURED BY OUR SON, SHLOMO.
GREAT SPARROW, MOM.
I THINK YOU QUESTION TOO

GREAT SPARROW, MOM.
I THINK YOU QUESTION TOO
MUCH, MY HUSBAND.

I THINK YOU QUESTION TOO
MUCH, MY HUSBAND.
THERE MUST BE MORE, RIFKA.

MUCH, MY HUSBAND.
THERE MUST BE MORE, RIFKA.
THERE MUST BE MORE.

THERE MUST BE MORE, RIFKA.
THERE MUST BE MORE.
WELL, WE SHALL LEAVE YOU.

THERE MUST BE MORE.
WELL, WE SHALL LEAVE YOU.
I HOPE THAT YOU FIND PEACE.

WELL, WE SHALL LEAVE YOU.
I HOPE THAT YOU FIND PEACE.
COME, SHLOMO.

I HOPE THAT YOU FIND PEACE.
COME, SHLOMO.
BYE, DAD.

A DIFFERENT GOD FOR EVERY
OCCASION?
NOPE.

OCCASION?
NOPE.
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GOD...

NOPE.
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GOD...
ONE THAT IS ALL-POWERFUL, A GOD

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GOD...
ONE THAT IS ALL-POWERFUL, A GOD
THAT I CAN TRUST, A GOD THAT

ONE THAT IS ALL-POWERFUL, A GOD
THAT I CAN TRUST, A GOD THAT
LOVES ME!

THAT I CAN TRUST, A GOD THAT
LOVES ME!
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

LOVES ME!
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, MOAB.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, MOAB.
YOU ARE THE LORD?

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, MOAB.
YOU ARE THE LORD?
THE MIGHTY REDEEMER?

YOU ARE THE LORD?
THE MIGHTY REDEEMER?
HAVE FAITH IN ME, O LORD, FOR I

THE MIGHTY REDEEMER?
HAVE FAITH IN ME, O LORD, FOR I
BELIEVETH IN YOU!

HAVE FAITH IN ME, O LORD, FOR I
BELIEVETH IN YOU!
HOW CAN I BE SURE?

BELIEVETH IN YOU!
HOW CAN I BE SURE?
WELL, TEST ME.

HOW CAN I BE SURE?
WELL, TEST ME.
I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

WELL, TEST ME.
I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
YOU'RE ON.

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
YOU'RE ON.
AS A TEST OF LOYALTY AND

YOU'RE ON.
AS A TEST OF LOYALTY AND
FAITH, THE LORD ASKED MOAB TO

AS A TEST OF LOYALTY AND
FAITH, THE LORD ASKED MOAB TO
SACRIFICE HIS ONLY SON.

FAITH, THE LORD ASKED MOAB TO
SACRIFICE HIS ONLY SON.
MOAB WANTED TO HAVE FAITH IN

SACRIFICE HIS ONLY SON.
MOAB WANTED TO HAVE FAITH IN
SOMETHING...

MOAB WANTED TO HAVE FAITH IN
SOMETHING...
JUST LIKE I DID.

SOMETHING...
JUST LIKE I DID.
A LATE-NIGHT-TELEVISION

JUST LIKE I DID.
A LATE-NIGHT-TELEVISION
CLERGYMAN DOESN'T MAKE THAT MUCH

A LATE-NIGHT-TELEVISION
CLERGYMAN DOESN'T MAKE THAT MUCH
MONEY.

CLERGYMAN DOESN'T MAKE THAT MUCH
MONEY.
DARLENE KNEW THAT WHEN WE GOT

MONEY.
DARLENE KNEW THAT WHEN WE GOT
MARRIED.

DARLENE KNEW THAT WHEN WE GOT
MARRIED.
SO I HAD TO TAKE A SECOND JOB.

MARRIED.
SO I HAD TO TAKE A SECOND JOB.
IS THAT SUCH A CRIME?

SO I HAD TO TAKE A SECOND JOB.
IS THAT SUCH A CRIME?
BUT SHE GOT BORED BEING ALONE.

IS THAT SUCH A CRIME?
BUT SHE GOT BORED BEING ALONE.
I KNEW THAT SHE WAS STARTING TO

BUT SHE GOT BORED BEING ALONE.
I KNEW THAT SHE WAS STARTING TO
LOOK AT OTHER MEN, BUT... BUT I

I KNEW THAT SHE WAS STARTING TO
LOOK AT OTHER MEN, BUT... BUT I
WENT ALONG WITH IT.

LOOK AT OTHER MEN, BUT... BUT I
WENT ALONG WITH IT.
I HAD FAITH IN HER.

WENT ALONG WITH IT.
I HAD FAITH IN HER.
NOT UNLIKE THE KIND THAT MOAB

I HAD FAITH IN HER.
NOT UNLIKE THE KIND THAT MOAB
HAD THE NEXT MORNING, ON

NOT UNLIKE THE KIND THAT MOAB
HAD THE NEXT MORNING, ON
MT. MORIAH.

GEE, DAD, THIS IS GREAT.
YOU NEVER TOOK ME FISHING
BEFORE.

YOU NEVER TOOK ME FISHING
BEFORE.
SH...

BEFORE.
SH...
SHLOMO...

SH...
SHLOMO...
YOU'RE MY ONLY SON, AND I LOVE

SHLOMO...
YOU'RE MY ONLY SON, AND I LOVE
YOU.

YOU'RE MY ONLY SON, AND I LOVE
YOU.
UH... BUT, UH...

YOU.
UH... BUT, UH...
YOU KNOW, IF SOMEONE, UH, IS

UH... BUT, UH...
YOU KNOW, IF SOMEONE, UH, IS
TRYING TO...

YOU KNOW, IF SOMEONE, UH, IS
TRYING TO...
WELL, I'M TRYING TO SAY, SON, IS

TRYING TO...
WELL, I'M TRYING TO SAY, SON, IS
THAT, UM, THAT I HAVE FAITH, YOU

WELL, I'M TRYING TO SAY, SON, IS
THAT, UM, THAT I HAVE FAITH, YOU
KNOW?

THAT, UM, THAT I HAVE FAITH, YOU
KNOW?
AND IF SOMEONE WANTED TO TEST MY

KNOW?
AND IF SOMEONE WANTED TO TEST MY
FAITH BY ASKING ME TO DO

AND IF SOMEONE WANTED TO TEST MY
FAITH BY ASKING ME TO DO
SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS, UH...

FAITH BY ASKING ME TO DO
SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS, UH...
WELL, UM, THE FACT THAT I

SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS, UH...
WELL, UM, THE FACT THAT I
CONSENTED TO DO IT SHOULD BE

WELL, UM, THE FACT THAT I
CONSENTED TO DO IT SHOULD BE
REASON ENOUGH THAN ACTUALLY

CONSENTED TO DO IT SHOULD BE
REASON ENOUGH THAN ACTUALLY
REALLY DOING THE ACT ITSELF, YOU

REASON ENOUGH THAN ACTUALLY
REALLY DOING THE ACT ITSELF, YOU
UNDERSTAND?

REALLY DOING THE ACT ITSELF, YOU
UNDERSTAND?
SO, THEREFORE, NOTHING WOULD BE

UNDERSTAND?
SO, THEREFORE, NOTHING WOULD BE
GAINED.

SO, THEREFORE, NOTHING WOULD BE
GAINED.
AND THE ACT...

GAINED.
AND THE ACT...
SHOULD BE...

AND THE ACT...
SHOULD BE...
HALTED!

WELL, WHAT I... WHAT I GUESS I
MEAN IS THAT, UH, MY WORD SHOULD
BE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW?

MEAN IS THAT, UH, MY WORD SHOULD
BE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, IF I TELL SOMEBODY THAT

BE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, IF I TELL SOMEBODY THAT
I BELIEVE IN HIM AND IF HE

I MEAN, IF I TELL SOMEBODY THAT
I BELIEVE IN HIM AND IF HE
REALLY IS ALL-KNOWING, HE SHOULD

I BELIEVE IN HIM AND IF HE
REALLY IS ALL-KNOWING, HE SHOULD
KNOW THAT I AM TELLING THE

REALLY IS ALL-KNOWING, HE SHOULD
KNOW THAT I AM TELLING THE
TRUTH.

KNOW THAT I AM TELLING THE
TRUTH.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PROVE IT.

TRUTH.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PROVE IT.
BUT I GUESS IF I WANT HIM TO

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PROVE IT.
BUT I GUESS IF I WANT HIM TO
TRUST ME, MAYBE I SHOULD TRUST

BUT I GUESS IF I WANT HIM TO
TRUST ME, MAYBE I SHOULD TRUST
HIM AND PRAY THAT HE WILL...

TRUST ME, MAYBE I SHOULD TRUST
HIM AND PRAY THAT HE WILL...
STOP ME!

HIM AND PRAY THAT HE WILL...
STOP ME!
STOP ME! STOP ME! STOP ME.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]
SHLOMO?
DID YOU BUY ME A FATHER'S DAY

SHLOMO?
DID YOU BUY ME A FATHER'S DAY
GIFT?

DID YOU BUY ME A FATHER'S DAY
GIFT?
NO, POP, I FORGOT.

GIFT?
NO, POP, I FORGOT.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.

NO, POP, I FORGOT.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
UGH!

I DIDN'T THINK SO.
UGH!
WAIT!

UGH!
WAIT!
AH.

WAIT!
AH.
DON'T DO IT!

ALTHOUGH GOD WAS PAYING MORE
ATTENTION WHEN HE LATER VISITED
UPON ABRAHAM, THIS IS ONE OF MY

ATTENTION WHEN HE LATER VISITED
UPON ABRAHAM, THIS IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE STORIES FROM THE BIBLE.

UPON ABRAHAM, THIS IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE STORIES FROM THE BIBLE.
IT CLEARLY SHOWS THAT IN HIS

FAVORITE STORIES FROM THE BIBLE.
IT CLEARLY SHOWS THAT IN HIS
HEART, GOD WASN'T READY TO TRUST

IT CLEARLY SHOWS THAT IN HIS
HEART, GOD WASN'T READY TO TRUST
MANKIND.

HEART, GOD WASN'T READY TO TRUST
MANKIND.
I DON'T BLAME HIM.

MANKIND.
I DON'T BLAME HIM.
DARLENE, I'LL BE HOME IN ABOUT

I DON'T BLAME HIM.
DARLENE, I'LL BE HOME IN ABOUT
10 MINUTES.

DARLENE, I'LL BE HOME IN ABOUT
10 MINUTES.
I TRUST YOU'LL BE THERE...

10 MINUTES.
I TRUST YOU'LL BE THERE...
ALONE.

I TRUST YOU'LL BE THERE...
ALONE.
GOOD NIGHT.

ALONE.
GOOD NIGHT.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUZAK PLAYS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!
NO, UH, PUPPYLAND MOVED.

SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!
NO, UH, PUPPYLAND MOVED.
THEY'RE... THEY'RE OVER IN THE

NO, UH, PUPPYLAND MOVED.
THEY'RE... THEY'RE OVER IN THE
NEW MALL NOW.

THEY'RE... THEY'RE OVER IN THE
NEW MALL NOW.
NO, WE DON'T SELL TERRIERS...

NEW MALL NOW.
NO, WE DON'T SELL TERRIERS...
JUST CELLOPHANE TAPE.

NO, WE DON'T SELL TERRIERS...
JUST CELLOPHANE TAPE.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR NEW

JUST CELLOPHANE TAPE.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR NEW
NUMBER IS.

NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR NEW
NUMBER IS.
YOU'LL HAVE TO PHONE

NUMBER IS.
YOU'LL HAVE TO PHONE
INFORMATION.

YOU'LL HAVE TO PHONE
INFORMATION.
411.

WELCOME TO SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!
CAN I HELP YOU?
I SURE HOPE SO.

CAN I HELP YOU?
I SURE HOPE SO.
I'M FLOYD HUNGER FROM NEXT DOOR,

I SURE HOPE SO.
I'M FLOYD HUNGER FROM NEXT DOOR,
HUNGER'S MEN'S SHOP.

I'M FLOYD HUNGER FROM NEXT DOOR,
HUNGER'S MEN'S SHOP.
I HATE TO SAY IT.

HUNGER'S MEN'S SHOP.
I HATE TO SAY IT.
WE BLEW A FUSE IN THE STOCK

I HATE TO SAY IT.
WE BLEW A FUSE IN THE STOCK
ROOM.

WE BLEW A FUSE IN THE STOCK
ROOM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

ROOM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M ALL OUT, YOU KNOW?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M ALL OUT, YOU KNOW?
I WONDERED IF YOU HAD AN EXTRA

I'M ALL OUT, YOU KNOW?
I WONDERED IF YOU HAD AN EXTRA
ONE.

I WONDERED IF YOU HAD AN EXTRA
ONE.
SURE.

ONE.
SURE.
I ALWAYS KEEP AN EXTRA ONE.

SURE.
I ALWAYS KEEP AN EXTRA ONE.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL.

I ALWAYS KEEP AN EXTRA ONE.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL.
OH, GREAT, GREAT.

YOU NEVER CAN TELL.
OH, GREAT, GREAT.
HEY, LISTEN, I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T

OH, GREAT, GREAT.
HEY, LISTEN, I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T
HAD A CHANCE TO COME BY AND, YOU

HEY, LISTEN, I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T
HAD A CHANCE TO COME BY AND, YOU
KNOW, SAY HELLO AND EVERYTHING.

HAD A CHANCE TO COME BY AND, YOU
KNOW, SAY HELLO AND EVERYTHING.
YOU JUST MOVED IN.

KNOW, SAY HELLO AND EVERYTHING.
YOU JUST MOVED IN.
BUT WE'VE BEEN REAL BUSY.

YOU JUST MOVED IN.
BUT WE'VE BEEN REAL BUSY.
30 AMP OKAY?

BUT WE'VE BEEN REAL BUSY.
30 AMP OKAY?
OHH, YEAH.

30 AMP OKAY?
OHH, YEAH.
JUST WHAT I NEED.

OHH, YEAH.
JUST WHAT I NEED.
IN FACT, IT'S EVEN MY BRAND.

JUST WHAT I NEED.
IN FACT, IT'S EVEN MY BRAND.
[BOTH LAUGH]

IN FACT, IT'S EVEN MY BRAND.
[BOTH LAUGH]
THANKS A LOT.

[BOTH LAUGH]
THANKS A LOT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.

THANKS A LOT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S OKAY.
I WON'T HEAR OF IT.

THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S OKAY.
I WON'T HEAR OF IT.
NO.

I WON'T HEAR OF IT.
NO.
OH, GEE. WELL, THANKS.

NO.
OH, GEE. WELL, THANKS.
THAT'S SURE NICE OF YOU.

OH, GEE. WELL, THANKS.
THAT'S SURE NICE OF YOU.
LISTEN, IF EVER I CAN RETURN A

THAT'S SURE NICE OF YOU.
LISTEN, IF EVER I CAN RETURN A
FAVOR, I'M RIGHT DOWN THE MALL

LISTEN, IF EVER I CAN RETURN A
FAVOR, I'M RIGHT DOWN THE MALL
HERE NEXT DOOR.

FAVOR, I'M RIGHT DOWN THE MALL
HERE NEXT DOOR.
HOW'S BUSINESS FOR YOU?

HERE NEXT DOOR.
HOW'S BUSINESS FOR YOU?
GOOD, EH?

HOW'S BUSINESS FOR YOU?
GOOD, EH?
OH, IT'S TERRIFIC.

GOOD, EH?
OH, IT'S TERRIFIC.
THIS MALL'S A GREAT LOCATION.

OH, IT'S TERRIFIC.
THIS MALL'S A GREAT LOCATION.
THEY DID A GOOD MARKET SURVEY ON

THIS MALL'S A GREAT LOCATION.
THEY DID A GOOD MARKET SURVEY ON
IT.

THEY DID A GOOD MARKET SURVEY ON
IT.
WE'VE BEEN DOING REALLY, REALLY,

IT.
WE'VE BEEN DOING REALLY, REALLY,
UM...

WE'VE BEEN DOING REALLY, REALLY,
UM...
REALLY...

UM...
REALLY...
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA PICK

REALLY...
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA PICK
UP.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA PICK
UP.
BUSINESS WILL PICK UP.

UP.
BUSINESS WILL PICK UP.
OH, WE... WE'VE ONLY BEEN

BUSINESS WILL PICK UP.
OH, WE... WE'VE ONLY BEEN
HERE FOR TWO MONTHS, AND IT'S

OH, WE... WE'VE ONLY BEEN
HERE FOR TWO MONTHS, AND IT'S
JUST GONNA TAKE US A LITTLE

HERE FOR TWO MONTHS, AND IT'S
JUST GONNA TAKE US A LITTLE
LONGER TO GET ESTABLISHED.

JUST GONNA TAKE US A LITTLE
LONGER TO GET ESTABLISHED.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE

LONGER TO GET ESTABLISHED.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE
WORKING WITH A BRAND-NEW, FRESH

YEAH, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE
WORKING WITH A BRAND-NEW, FRESH
IDEA, IT'S ALWAYS A LITTLE

WORKING WITH A BRAND-NEW, FRESH
IDEA, IT'S ALWAYS A LITTLE
HARDER.

IDEA, IT'S ALWAYS A LITTLE
HARDER.
YOU KNOW, UM, MOST PEOPLE ARE

HARDER.
YOU KNOW, UM, MOST PEOPLE ARE
USED TO BUYING THEIR TAPE WHEN

YOU KNOW, UM, MOST PEOPLE ARE
USED TO BUYING THEIR TAPE WHEN
THEY GO TO THE SUPERMARKET OR A

USED TO BUYING THEIR TAPE WHEN
THEY GO TO THE SUPERMARKET OR A
DRUGSTORE, YOU KNOW?

THEY GO TO THE SUPERMARKET OR A
DRUGSTORE, YOU KNOW?
WHAT WE'VE GOT TO DO IS TURN

DRUGSTORE, YOU KNOW?
WHAT WE'VE GOT TO DO IS TURN
THEIR THINKING AROUND SO THEY

WHAT WE'VE GOT TO DO IS TURN
THEIR THINKING AROUND SO THEY
MAKE A SPECIAL TRIP DOWN HERE TO

THEIR THINKING AROUND SO THEY
MAKE A SPECIAL TRIP DOWN HERE TO
THE SCOTCH BOUTIQUE WHEN THEY

MAKE A SPECIAL TRIP DOWN HERE TO
THE SCOTCH BOUTIQUE WHEN THEY
WANT, UH, TAPE.

THE SCOTCH BOUTIQUE WHEN THEY
WANT, UH, TAPE.
UH, LOOK, YOU KNOW, YOU

WANT, UH, TAPE.
UH, LOOK, YOU KNOW, YOU
PROBABLY THOUGHT OF THIS, BUT

UH, LOOK, YOU KNOW, YOU
PROBABLY THOUGHT OF THIS, BUT
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED ADDING

PROBABLY THOUGHT OF THIS, BUT
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED ADDING
OTHER PRODUCTS LIKE, UH, PAPER

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED ADDING
OTHER PRODUCTS LIKE, UH, PAPER
CLIPS, STATIONERY, YOU KNOW,

OTHER PRODUCTS LIKE, UH, PAPER
CLIPS, STATIONERY, YOU KNOW,
THINGS LIKE THAT?

CLIPS, STATIONERY, YOU KNOW,
THINGS LIKE THAT?
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE

THINGS LIKE THAT?
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE
JUST PUT IN THIS COPY MACHINE.

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE
JUST PUT IN THIS COPY MACHINE.
IT WAS JENNY'S IDEA.

JUST PUT IN THIS COPY MACHINE.
IT WAS JENNY'S IDEA.
DID YOU SEE OUR SIGN OUT FRONT?

IT WAS JENNY'S IDEA.
DID YOU SEE OUR SIGN OUT FRONT?
COPIES... 9 CENTS.

DID YOU SEE OUR SIGN OUT FRONT?
COPIES... 9 CENTS.
WE BARELY BREAK EVEN, BUT THE

COPIES... 9 CENTS.
WE BARELY BREAK EVEN, BUT THE
WAY I FIGURE IT, WE'RE GONNA

WE BARELY BREAK EVEN, BUT THE
WAY I FIGURE IT, WE'RE GONNA
BRING IN CUSTOMERS WHO MIGHT BUY

WAY I FIGURE IT, WE'RE GONNA
BRING IN CUSTOMERS WHO MIGHT BUY
TAPE.

BRING IN CUSTOMERS WHO MIGHT BUY
TAPE.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

TAPE.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
WELL, UH, IF EVER I NEED ANY

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
WELL, UH, IF EVER I NEED ANY
COPYING DONE, I'LL BE SURE TO

WELL, UH, IF EVER I NEED ANY
COPYING DONE, I'LL BE SURE TO
COME BACK.

COPYING DONE, I'LL BE SURE TO
COME BACK.
THANKS AGAIN, NOW.

COME BACK.
THANKS AGAIN, NOW.
YOU KNOW...

THANKS AGAIN, NOW.
YOU KNOW...
[SNAPS FINGERS]

YOU KNOW...
[SNAPS FINGERS]
I BETTER TAKE A ROLL OF TAPE

[SNAPS FINGERS]
I BETTER TAKE A ROLL OF TAPE
WITH ME.

I BETTER TAKE A ROLL OF TAPE
WITH ME.
I KNOW I'M GONNA BE NEEDING IT

WITH ME.
I KNOW I'M GONNA BE NEEDING IT
BACK THERE AT THE STORE.

I KNOW I'M GONNA BE NEEDING IT
BACK THERE AT THE STORE.
UH, WHAT SIZE WOULD YOU LIKE?

BACK THERE AT THE STORE.
UH, WHAT SIZE WOULD YOU LIKE?
JUST REGULAR WILL BE FINE.

UH, WHAT SIZE WOULD YOU LIKE?
JUST REGULAR WILL BE FINE.
WELL, REGULAR WIDTH OR

JUST REGULAR WILL BE FINE.
WELL, REGULAR WIDTH OR
LENGTH?

WELL, REGULAR WIDTH OR
LENGTH?
HOW ABOUT A 36-FOOTER?

LENGTH?
HOW ABOUT A 36-FOOTER?
WELL, SURE.

HOW ABOUT A 36-FOOTER?
WELL, SURE.
IS THAT THE REGULAR KIND OR...

WELL, SURE.
IS THAT THE REGULAR KIND OR...
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW HIM THE

IS THAT THE REGULAR KIND OR...
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW HIM THE
72-FOOTER?

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW HIM THE
72-FOOTER?
QUITE A SAVINGS.

72-FOOTER?
QUITE A SAVINGS.
IT'S OKAY.

QUITE A SAVINGS.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M IN KIND OF A HURRY.

IT'S OKAY.
I'M IN KIND OF A HURRY.
I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE STORE,

I'M IN KIND OF A HURRY.
I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE STORE,
SO THIS WILL BE FINE.

I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE STORE,
SO THIS WILL BE FINE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.

SO THIS WILL BE FINE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
UH... HEY, LISTEN, THANKS

ALL RIGHT, FINE.
UH... HEY, LISTEN, THANKS
AGAIN FOR THE FUSE.

UH... HEY, LISTEN, THANKS
AGAIN FOR THE FUSE.
REALLY.

AGAIN FOR THE FUSE.
REALLY.
DON'T MENTION IT.

REALLY.
DON'T MENTION IT.
THAT'LL BE 59 CENTS, OUT OF

DON'T MENTION IT.
THAT'LL BE 59 CENTS, OUT OF
$1.

THAT'LL BE 59 CENTS, OUT OF
$1.
AND THERE YOU GO.

$1.
AND THERE YOU GO.
THANKS A LOT.

AND THERE YOU GO.
THANKS A LOT.
IF YOU EVER NEED ANY MORE

THANKS A LOT.
IF YOU EVER NEED ANY MORE
TAPE OR SOME COPYING DONE, YOU

IF YOU EVER NEED ANY MORE
TAPE OR SOME COPYING DONE, YOU
KNOW WHERE TO COME.

TAPE OR SOME COPYING DONE, YOU
KNOW WHERE TO COME.
WELL, WHEN THIS ROLL RUNS

KNOW WHERE TO COME.
WELL, WHEN THIS ROLL RUNS
OUT, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK HERE.

WELL, WHEN THIS ROLL RUNS
OUT, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK HERE.
COME AGAIN.

OUT, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK HERE.
COME AGAIN.
YEAH.

COME AGAIN.
YEAH.
KEVIN, I THINK WE NEED

YEAH.
KEVIN, I THINK WE NEED
ANOTHER 59-CENTER UP HERE.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]
WELCOME TO SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!
WELCOME.

WELCOME TO SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!
WELCOME.
THANK YOU.

WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
CAN I GET A COPY OF THIS,

THANK YOU.
CAN I GET A COPY OF THIS,
PLEASE?

CAN I GET A COPY OF THIS,
PLEASE?
HOW MANY, PLEASE?

PLEASE?
HOW MANY, PLEASE?
ONE.

HOW MANY, PLEASE?
ONE.
ONE.

ONE.
ONE.
NEED ANY TAPE TODAY?

ONE.
NEED ANY TAPE TODAY?
UH, NOT TODAY.

NEED ANY TAPE TODAY?
UH, NOT TODAY.
THANKS.

UH, NOT TODAY.
THANKS.
SAY, DIDN'T YOU COME IN HERE

THANKS.
SAY, DIDN'T YOU COME IN HERE
ABOUT A WEEK AGO AND BUY SOME

SAY, DIDN'T YOU COME IN HERE
ABOUT A WEEK AGO AND BUY SOME
TAPE FROM US?

ABOUT A WEEK AGO AND BUY SOME
TAPE FROM US?
YEAH.

TAPE FROM US?
YEAH.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING.

YEAH.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING.
YOU WERE IN HERE BEFORE, AND NOW

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING.
YOU WERE IN HERE BEFORE, AND NOW
YOU'RE BACK AGAIN.

YOU WERE IN HERE BEFORE, AND NOW
YOU'RE BACK AGAIN.
[Laughing] RIGHT.

YOU'RE BACK AGAIN.
[Laughing] RIGHT.
HOW'D THAT TAPE WORK OUT?

[Laughing] RIGHT.
HOW'D THAT TAPE WORK OUT?
OKAY?

HOW'D THAT TAPE WORK OUT?
OKAY?
OH, OH, GOOD, GOOD, YEAH.

OKAY?
OH, OH, GOOD, GOOD, YEAH.
IT STICKS REALLY WELL.

OH, OH, GOOD, GOOD, YEAH.
IT STICKS REALLY WELL.
UH, THAT'LL BE, UH, 9 CENTS,

IT STICKS REALLY WELL.
UH, THAT'LL BE, UH, 9 CENTS,
PLEASE.

UH, THAT'LL BE, UH, 9 CENTS,
PLEASE.
OUT OF 10. OKAY.

PLEASE.
OUT OF 10. OKAY.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

OUT OF 10. OKAY.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
THERE YOU GO. THANKS A LOT.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
THERE YOU GO. THANKS A LOT.
IF YOU NEED ANY MORE COPYING

THERE YOU GO. THANKS A LOT.
IF YOU NEED ANY MORE COPYING
DONE OR ANY MORE TAPE, YOU KNOW

IF YOU NEED ANY MORE COPYING
DONE OR ANY MORE TAPE, YOU KNOW
WHERE TO COME.

DONE OR ANY MORE TAPE, YOU KNOW
WHERE TO COME.
RIGHT. [CHUCKLES]

WHERE TO COME.
RIGHT. [CHUCKLES]
COME AGAIN.

I COULDN'T FIND ANY MORE OPEN
BOXES OF 59-CENTERS BACK THERE
IN THE STOCK ROOM, SO I HAD TO

BOXES OF 59-CENTERS BACK THERE
IN THE STOCK ROOM, SO I HAD TO
OPEN UP A BOX OF 1,000.

IN THE STOCK ROOM, SO I HAD TO
OPEN UP A BOX OF 1,000.
YOU OPENED UP A BOX OF 1,000?

OPEN UP A BOX OF 1,000.
YOU OPENED UP A BOX OF 1,000?
NOW WE CAN'T SEND IT BACK!

YOU OPENED UP A BOX OF 1,000?
NOW WE CAN'T SEND IT BACK!
I KNEW IT.

NOW WE CAN'T SEND IT BACK!
I KNEW IT.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS PLACE,

I KNEW IT.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS PLACE,
DO YOU?

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS PLACE,
DO YOU?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ME.

DO YOU?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ME.
HONEY, HONEY, I DO, I DO.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ME.
HONEY, HONEY, I DO, I DO.
I-IT'S JUST THAT IT'S BEEN TWO

HONEY, HONEY, I DO, I DO.
I-IT'S JUST THAT IT'S BEEN TWO
MONTHS.

I-IT'S JUST THAT IT'S BEEN TWO
MONTHS.
LISTEN, A BUSINESS TAKES TIME

MONTHS.
LISTEN, A BUSINESS TAKES TIME
TO BUILD.

LISTEN, A BUSINESS TAKES TIME
TO BUILD.
IT ISN'T DONE OVERNIGHT.

TO BUILD.
IT ISN'T DONE OVERNIGHT.
NOBODY MAKES MONEY THEIR FIRST

IT ISN'T DONE OVERNIGHT.
NOBODY MAKES MONEY THEIR FIRST
COUPLE OF MONTHS.

NOBODY MAKES MONEY THEIR FIRST
COUPLE OF MONTHS.
I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD ALL OF

COUPLE OF MONTHS.
I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD ALL OF
THAT.

I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD ALL OF
THAT.
I DO, I DO, I DO.

THAT.
I DO, I DO, I DO.
I-I DON'T KNOW.

I DO, I DO, I DO.
I-I DON'T KNOW.
OH, WELCOME TO SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!

I-I DON'T KNOW.
OH, WELCOME TO SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!
UM, DO YOU SELL ANY RECORDING

OH, WELCOME TO SCOTCH BOUTIQUE!
UM, DO YOU SELL ANY RECORDING
TAPE HERE?

UM, DO YOU SELL ANY RECORDING
TAPE HERE?
NO, JUST THE STICKY KIND.

TAPE HERE?
NO, JUST THE STICKY KIND.
SEE? I TOLD YOU.

NEXT TIME YOU NEED THE STICKY
KIND, YOU'LL KNOW WHERE TO COME!
I MEAN, I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD

KIND, YOU'LL KNOW WHERE TO COME!
I MEAN, I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD
THAT THIS WAS MY DREAM.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD
THAT THIS WAS MY DREAM.
YOU SAID IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

THAT THIS WAS MY DREAM.
YOU SAID IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.
DO YOU THINK IN A MILLION YEARS,

YOU SAID IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.
DO YOU THINK IN A MILLION YEARS,
I'D DRAW OUT EVERY LAST RED CENT

DO YOU THINK IN A MILLION YEARS,
I'D DRAW OUT EVERY LAST RED CENT
OF OUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND

I'D DRAW OUT EVERY LAST RED CENT
OF OUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND
INVEST IT IN THIS BUSINESS IF I

OF OUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND
INVEST IT IN THIS BUSINESS IF I
THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS

INVEST IT IN THIS BUSINESS IF I
THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS
A GOOD IDEA?

UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY RECORDING
TAPE?
NO, JUST CELLOPHANE...

TAPE?
NO, JUST CELLOPHANE...
THE STICKY KIND.

NO, JUST CELLOPHANE...
THE STICKY KIND.
IF YOU NEED ANY OF THE STICKY

THE STICKY KIND.
IF YOU NEED ANY OF THE STICKY
KIND, YOU KNOW WHERE TO COME.

IF YOU NEED ANY OF THE STICKY
KIND, YOU KNOW WHERE TO COME.
OKAY, THANKS.

KIND, YOU KNOW WHERE TO COME.
OKAY, THANKS.
COME AGAIN.

OKAY, THANKS.
COME AGAIN.
WELL, I GUESS THAT DOES IT.

COME AGAIN.
WELL, I GUESS THAT DOES IT.
I-I CAN'T GO ON SURROUNDED BY

WELL, I GUESS THAT DOES IT.
I-I CAN'T GO ON SURROUNDED BY
QUITTERS AND DOUBTERS.

I-I CAN'T GO ON SURROUNDED BY
QUITTERS AND DOUBTERS.
IT CALLS FOR A TEAM EFFORT.

QUITTERS AND DOUBTERS.
IT CALLS FOR A TEAM EFFORT.
I'LL NEVER FORGET A STORY MY

IT CALLS FOR A TEAM EFFORT.
I'LL NEVER FORGET A STORY MY
UNCLE ONCE TOLD ME.

I'LL NEVER FORGET A STORY MY
UNCLE ONCE TOLD ME.
MY UNCLE OWNED A LITTLE

UNCLE ONCE TOLD ME.
MY UNCLE OWNED A LITTLE
RESTAURANT IN PENNSYLVANIA.

MY UNCLE OWNED A LITTLE
RESTAURANT IN PENNSYLVANIA.
IT WAS REAL FAMOUS FOR A LONG,

RESTAURANT IN PENNSYLVANIA.
IT WAS REAL FAMOUS FOR A LONG,
LONG TIME FOR ITS CHICKEN SALAD.

IT WAS REAL FAMOUS FOR A LONG,
LONG TIME FOR ITS CHICKEN SALAD.
BUT ONE DAY, THEY COULDN'T GET

LONG TIME FOR ITS CHICKEN SALAD.
BUT ONE DAY, THEY COULDN'T GET
ANY CHICKEN TO PUT IN THE SALAD.

BUT ONE DAY, THEY COULDN'T GET
ANY CHICKEN TO PUT IN THE SALAD.
SO MY UNCLE, WHAT HE DID, HE

ANY CHICKEN TO PUT IN THE SALAD.
SO MY UNCLE, WHAT HE DID, HE
CALLED TOGETHER THE EMPLOYEES.

SO MY UNCLE, WHAT HE DID, HE
CALLED TOGETHER THE EMPLOYEES.
AND HE SAID, "LOOK, WHY DON'T WE

CALLED TOGETHER THE EMPLOYEES.
AND HE SAID, "LOOK, WHY DON'T WE
PUT TURKEY IN THAT SALAD INSTEAD

AND HE SAID, "LOOK, WHY DON'T WE
PUT TURKEY IN THAT SALAD INSTEAD
OF CHICKEN?"

PUT TURKEY IN THAT SALAD INSTEAD
OF CHICKEN?"
WELL, OF COURSE, EVERYONE WAS

OF CHICKEN?"
WELL, OF COURSE, EVERYONE WAS
REAL NERVOUS AT FIRST BECAUSE

WELL, OF COURSE, EVERYONE WAS
REAL NERVOUS AT FIRST BECAUSE
THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GONNA

REAL NERVOUS AT FIRST BECAUSE
THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GONNA
HAPPEN.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GONNA
HAPPEN.
BUT YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

HAPPEN.
BUT YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
NOT ONE PERSON EVEN NOTICED THAT

BUT YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
NOT ONE PERSON EVEN NOTICED THAT
IT WAS TURKEY INSTEAD OF

NOT ONE PERSON EVEN NOTICED THAT
IT WAS TURKEY INSTEAD OF
CHICKEN.

IT WAS TURKEY INSTEAD OF
CHICKEN.
NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL

CHICKEN.
NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL
TEAMWORK.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL
TEAMWORK.
[Voice breaking] I'M SORRY,

TEAMWORK.
[Voice breaking] I'M SORRY,
HONEY.

[Voice breaking] I'M SORRY,
HONEY.
I'LL GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE.

HONEY.
I'LL GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.

I'LL GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
THANK YOU, HONEY.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.
THANK YOU, HONEY.
I BELIEVE IN YOU, TOO,

THANK YOU, HONEY.
I BELIEVE IN YOU, TOO,
MR. WALKER.

I BELIEVE IN YOU, TOO,
MR. WALKER.
THANKS, KEVIN.

MR. WALKER.
THANKS, KEVIN.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE STOP

THANKS, KEVIN.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE STOP
ALL THIS AND GET BACK TO

HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE STOP
ALL THIS AND GET BACK TO
BUSINESS AS USUAL?

ALL THIS AND GET BACK TO
BUSINESS AS USUAL?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

BUSINESS AS USUAL?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
OKAY.
OKAY.

[NEW-WAVE MUSIC PLAYS]

COME IN, BOOJI BOY.
YOU'RE LATE.
HAVE YOU GOT THE PAPERS THE

YOU'RE LATE.
HAVE YOU GOT THE PAPERS THE
CHINAMAN GAVE YOU?

HAVE YOU GOT THE PAPERS THE
CHINAMAN GAVE YOU?
IT IS THERE.

CHINAMAN GAVE YOU?
IT IS THERE.
IS IT A SURPRISE?

IT IS THERE.
IS IT A SURPRISE?
YES, BOOJI.

IS IT A SURPRISE?
YES, BOOJI.
IN THE PAST, THIS INFORMATION

YES, BOOJI.
IN THE PAST, THIS INFORMATION
HAS BEEN SUPPRESSED, BUT NOW IT

IN THE PAST, THIS INFORMATION
HAS BEEN SUPPRESSED, BUT NOW IT
CAN BE TOLD.

HAS BEEN SUPPRESSED, BUT NOW IT
CAN BE TOLD.
EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND MUTANT ON

CAN BE TOLD.
EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND MUTANT ON
THIS PLANET SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH

EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND MUTANT ON
THIS PLANET SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH
ABOUT DE-EVOLUTION.

THIS PLANET SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH
ABOUT DE-EVOLUTION.
OH, DAD.

ABOUT DE-EVOLUTION.
OH, DAD.
WE'RE ALL DEVO.

["JOCKO HOMO" PLAYS]

♪ THEY TELL US THAT ♪
♪ WE LOST OUR TAILS ♪
♪ EVOLVING UP ♪

♪ WE LOST OUR TAILS ♪
♪ EVOLVING UP ♪
♪ FROM LITTLE SNAILS ♪

♪ EVOLVING UP ♪
♪ FROM LITTLE SNAILS ♪
♪ I SAY IT'S ALL ♪

♪ FROM LITTLE SNAILS ♪
♪ I SAY IT'S ALL ♪
♪ JUST WIND IN SAILS ♪

♪ I SAY IT'S ALL ♪
♪ JUST WIND IN SAILS ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ JUST WIND IN SAILS ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE PINHEADS NOW ♪
♪ WE ARE NOT WHOLE ♪
♪ WE'RE PINHEADS ALL ♪

♪ WE ARE NOT WHOLE ♪
♪ WE'RE PINHEADS ALL ♪
♪ JOCKO HOMO ♪

♪ WE'RE PINHEADS ALL ♪
♪ JOCKO HOMO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ JOCKO HOMO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT PINS? ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT PINS? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ MONKEY MEN ALL ♪
♪ IN BUSINESS SUITS ♪
♪ TEACHERS AND CRITICS ♪

♪ IN BUSINESS SUITS ♪
♪ TEACHERS AND CRITICS ♪
♪ ALL DANCE THE POOT ♪

♪ TEACHERS AND CRITICS ♪
♪ ALL DANCE THE POOT ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ ALL DANCE THE POOT ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT PINS? ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT PINS? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT PINS? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ I GOT A RHYME THAT COMES IN
A RIDDLE ♪
♪ O-HI-O ♪

A RIDDLE ♪
♪ O-HI-O ♪
♪ WHAT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS,

♪ O-HI-O ♪
♪ WHAT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS,
HIGH IN THE MIDDLE? ♪

♪ WHAT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS,
HIGH IN THE MIDDLE? ♪
♪ O-HI-O ♪

HIGH IN THE MIDDLE? ♪
♪ O-HI-O ♪
♪ ALL TOGETHER NOW ♪

♪ O-HI-O ♪
♪ ALL TOGETHER NOW ♪
♪ GOD MADE MAN ♪

♪ ALL TOGETHER NOW ♪
♪ GOD MADE MAN ♪
♪ BUT HE USED A MONKEY TO DO

♪ GOD MADE MAN ♪
♪ BUT HE USED A MONKEY TO DO
IT ♪

♪ BUT HE USED A MONKEY TO DO
IT ♪
♪ APE IS THE PLAN ♪

IT ♪
♪ APE IS THE PLAN ♪
♪ WE'RE ALL HERE TO PROVE IT ♪

♪ APE IS THE PLAN ♪
♪ WE'RE ALL HERE TO PROVE IT ♪
♪ I CAN WALK LIKE AN APE,

♪ WE'RE ALL HERE TO PROVE IT ♪
♪ I CAN WALK LIKE AN APE,
TALK LIKE AN APE ♪

♪ I CAN WALK LIKE AN APE,
TALK LIKE AN APE ♪
♪ DO WHAT MONKEYS DO ♪

TALK LIKE AN APE ♪
♪ DO WHAT MONKEYS DO ♪
♪ GOD MADE MEN ♪

♪ DO WHAT MONKEYS DO ♪
♪ GOD MADE MEN ♪
♪ BUT MONKEYS APPLIED THE GLUE ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪

♪ ARE WE NOT MEN? ♪
♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ WE ARE DEVO ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪

♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪

♪ D-E-V-O ♪
♪ WE MUST REPEAT ♪
♪ OKAY, LET'S GO! ♪

[SONG ENDS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FOR THE TEACHER.

GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]