Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Frank Zappa - full transcript

GOOD EVENING, I'M
FRED SILVERMAN.
LAST JUNE, WHEN I BECAME

FRED SILVERMAN.
LAST JUNE, WHEN I BECAME
PRESIDENT OF NBC, I VOWED

LAST JUNE, WHEN I BECAME
PRESIDENT OF NBC, I VOWED
THAT THIS NETWORK WOULD UNDERGO

PRESIDENT OF NBC, I VOWED
THAT THIS NETWORK WOULD UNDERGO
SIGNIFICANT CHANGES TO REFLECT

THAT THIS NETWORK WOULD UNDERGO
SIGNIFICANT CHANGES TO REFLECT
WHAT YOU, THE AMERICAN TV

SIGNIFICANT CHANGES TO REFLECT
WHAT YOU, THE AMERICAN TV
VIEWER, WANTED TO SEE.

WHAT YOU, THE AMERICAN TV
VIEWER, WANTED TO SEE.
IN THE FOUR MONTHS SINCE I HAVE

VIEWER, WANTED TO SEE.
IN THE FOUR MONTHS SINCE I HAVE
BEEN ITS PRESIDENT, NBC HAS

IN THE FOUR MONTHS SINCE I HAVE
BEEN ITS PRESIDENT, NBC HAS
UNDERTAKEN THE MOST EXTENSIVE

BEEN ITS PRESIDENT, NBC HAS
UNDERTAKEN THE MOST EXTENSIVE
RESEARCH CAMPAIGN IN THE HISTORY

UNDERTAKEN THE MOST EXTENSIVE
RESEARCH CAMPAIGN IN THE HISTORY
OF TELEVISION.



RESEARCH CAMPAIGN IN THE HISTORY
OF TELEVISION.
THE RESULTS INDICATED THAT YOU,

OF TELEVISION.
THE RESULTS INDICATED THAT YOU,
THE AMERICAN TV VIEWER, WANT

THE RESULTS INDICATED THAT YOU,
THE AMERICAN TV VIEWER, WANT
SOMETHING DIFFERENT, A NEW

THE AMERICAN TV VIEWER, WANT
SOMETHING DIFFERENT, A NEW
LOOK... A NEW LOOK WITH NEW

SOMETHING DIFFERENT, A NEW
LOOK... A NEW LOOK WITH NEW
FACES.

LOOK... A NEW LOOK WITH NEW
FACES.
AND SURPRISINGLY, IN ALL OUR

FACES.
AND SURPRISINGLY, IN ALL OUR
DATA... THE TRENDEX, ARBITRON,

AND SURPRISINGLY, IN ALL OUR
DATA... THE TRENDEX, ARBITRON,
AND NIELSEN SURVEYS... ALL

DATA... THE TRENDEX, ARBITRON,
AND NIELSEN SURVEYS... ALL
ARROWS POINTED TO ONE PERSON.

AND NIELSEN SURVEYS... ALL
ARROWS POINTED TO ONE PERSON.
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, ONE MAN'S

ARROWS POINTED TO ONE PERSON.
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, ONE MAN'S
NAME CAME UP.

OVER AND OVER AGAIN, ONE MAN'S
NAME CAME UP.
AND THAT MAN'S NAME...

NAME CAME UP.
AND THAT MAN'S NAME...
IS FRANK ZAPPA.

AND THAT MAN'S NAME...
IS FRANK ZAPPA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]



IS FRANK ZAPPA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
QUITE FRANKLY... QUITE FRANKLY,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
QUITE FRANKLY... QUITE FRANKLY,
NO ONE WAS MORE SURPRISED, YOU

QUITE FRANKLY... QUITE FRANKLY,
NO ONE WAS MORE SURPRISED, YOU
KNOW, AS I WAS.

NO ONE WAS MORE SURPRISED, YOU
KNOW, AS I WAS.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

KNOW, AS I WAS.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
TONY ORLANDO.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
TONY ORLANDO.
PERSONALLY, I STOPPED FOLLOWING

TONY ORLANDO.
PERSONALLY, I STOPPED FOLLOWING
ZAPPA AFTER HIS

PERSONALLY, I STOPPED FOLLOWING
ZAPPA AFTER HIS
"MOTHERS LIVE AT THE FILLMORE"

ZAPPA AFTER HIS
"MOTHERS LIVE AT THE FILLMORE"
ALBUM.

"MOTHERS LIVE AT THE FILLMORE"
ALBUM.
ALTHOUGH, THAT BURRITO THING

ALBUM.
ALTHOUGH, THAT BURRITO THING
STILL MAKES ME LAUGH.

ALTHOUGH, THAT BURRITO THING
STILL MAKES ME LAUGH.
[LAUGHS]

STILL MAKES ME LAUGH.
[LAUGHS]
BUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SPOKE,

[LAUGHS]
BUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SPOKE,
AND NBC LISTENED.

BUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SPOKE,
AND NBC LISTENED.
AND I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT

AND NBC LISTENED.
AND I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT
WE HAVE SIGNED FRANK ZAPPA TO A

AND I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT
WE HAVE SIGNED FRANK ZAPPA TO A
LONG-TERM, EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT...

WE HAVE SIGNED FRANK ZAPPA TO A
LONG-TERM, EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LONG-TERM, EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WITH THE NATIONAL

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WITH THE NATIONAL
BROADCASTING COMPANY.

WITH THE NATIONAL
BROADCASTING COMPANY.
AND YOU'LL BE NBC'ing [seeing] A

BROADCASTING COMPANY.
AND YOU'LL BE NBC'ing [seeing] A
LOT OF FRANK.

AND YOU'LL BE NBC'ing [seeing] A
LOT OF FRANK.
HEY, AND I'M NOT

LOT OF FRANK.
HEY, AND I'M NOT
CBS'ing [B.S.'ing] YOU, EITHER.

HEY, AND I'M NOT
CBS'ing [B.S.'ing] YOU, EITHER.
YES, THE ENTIRE NBC STAR-MAKING

CBS'ing [B.S.'ing] YOU, EITHER.
YES, THE ENTIRE NBC STAR-MAKING
MACHINERY IS BEHIND FRANK ZAPPA.

YES, THE ENTIRE NBC STAR-MAKING
MACHINERY IS BEHIND FRANK ZAPPA.
THIS JANUARY, HE'LL BE STARRING

MACHINERY IS BEHIND FRANK ZAPPA.
THIS JANUARY, HE'LL BE STARRING
IN HIS OWN SITUATION COMEDY AS A

THIS JANUARY, HE'LL BE STARRING
IN HIS OWN SITUATION COMEDY AS A
HIGH-SCHOOL BASKETBALL COACH ON

IN HIS OWN SITUATION COMEDY AS A
HIGH-SCHOOL BASKETBALL COACH ON
"THE ZAPPA WONDERS."

HIGH-SCHOOL BASKETBALL COACH ON
"THE ZAPPA WONDERS."
TONIGHT, TO UNVEIL NBC's NEW

"THE ZAPPA WONDERS."
TONIGHT, TO UNVEIL NBC's NEW
LOOK, FRANK ZAPPA.

TONIGHT, TO UNVEIL NBC's NEW
LOOK, FRANK ZAPPA.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

LOOK, FRANK ZAPPA.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH FRANK ZAPPA.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI...
AND THE COMEDY TEAM OF

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI...
AND THE COMEDY TEAM OF
FRANKEN & DAVIS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FRANK ZAPPA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HIYA, HIYA, HIYA.
THANK YOU.
AND REMEMBER, I'M READING THIS

THANK YOU.
AND REMEMBER, I'M READING THIS
OFF THESE CARDS UNDERNEATH THIS

AND REMEMBER, I'M READING THIS
OFF THESE CARDS UNDERNEATH THIS
CAMERA HERE.

OFF THESE CARDS UNDERNEATH THIS
CAMERA HERE.
THANK YOU.

CAMERA HERE.
THANK YOU.
IT'S AN AWESOME RESPONSIBILITY

THANK YOU.
IT'S AN AWESOME RESPONSIBILITY
BEING SELECTED OUT OF MILLIONS

IT'S AN AWESOME RESPONSIBILITY
BEING SELECTED OUT OF MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE TO BECOME THE BANNER

BEING SELECTED OUT OF MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE TO BECOME THE BANNER
OF NBC's NEW LOOK.

OF PEOPLE TO BECOME THE BANNER
OF NBC's NEW LOOK.
GOD, I HOPE I'M GOOD.

OF NBC's NEW LOOK.
GOD, I HOPE I'M GOOD.
TONIGHT, WE'D LIKE TO DO A SONG

GOD, I HOPE I'M GOOD.
TONIGHT, WE'D LIKE TO DO A SONG
ABOUT AN IMPORTANT SOCIAL

TONIGHT, WE'D LIKE TO DO A SONG
ABOUT AN IMPORTANT SOCIAL
PROBLEM... DISCO.

ABOUT AN IMPORTANT SOCIAL
PROBLEM... DISCO.
IT DEALS WITH LONELY PEOPLE WITH

PROBLEM... DISCO.
IT DEALS WITH LONELY PEOPLE WITH
NO NATURAL RHYTHM IMPINGING ON

IT DEALS WITH LONELY PEOPLE WITH
NO NATURAL RHYTHM IMPINGING ON
EACH OTHER IN THE DARKNESS.

NO NATURAL RHYTHM IMPINGING ON
EACH OTHER IN THE DARKNESS.
IT'S CALLED "DANCING FOOL."

EACH OTHER IN THE DARKNESS.
IT'S CALLED "DANCING FOOL."
1, 2, 3, 4.

IT'S CALLED "DANCING FOOL."
1, 2, 3, 4.
[INTRO PLAYS]

♪ I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
DANCING ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY I GOT THIS SONG ♪

DANCING ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY I GOT THIS SONG ♪
♪ ONE OF MY LEGS IS SHORTER THAN

♪ THAT'S WHY I GOT THIS SONG ♪
♪ ONE OF MY LEGS IS SHORTER THAN
THE OTHER ♪

♪ ONE OF MY LEGS IS SHORTER THAN
THE OTHER ♪
♪ AND BOTH MY FEET'S TOO LONG ♪

THE OTHER ♪
♪ AND BOTH MY FEET'S TOO LONG ♪
♪ 'COURSE NOW RIGHT ALONG WITH

♪ AND BOTH MY FEET'S TOO LONG ♪
♪ 'COURSE NOW RIGHT ALONG WITH
'EM ♪

♪ 'COURSE NOW RIGHT ALONG WITH
'EM ♪
♪ GOT NO NATURAL RHYTHM ♪

'EM ♪
♪ GOT NO NATURAL RHYTHM ♪
♪ BUT I GO DANCING EVERY

♪ GOT NO NATURAL RHYTHM ♪
♪ BUT I GO DANCING EVERY
NIGHT ♪

♪ BUT I GO DANCING EVERY
NIGHT ♪
♪ HOPING ONE DAY I MIGHT GET IT

NIGHT ♪
♪ HOPING ONE DAY I MIGHT GET IT
RIGHT ♪

♪ HOPING ONE DAY I MIGHT GET IT
RIGHT ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

RIGHT ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I HEAR THAT BEAT, I JUMP OUT

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I HEAR THAT BEAT, I JUMP OUT
OF MY SEAT ♪

♪ I HEAR THAT BEAT, I JUMP OUT
OF MY SEAT ♪
♪ BUT I CAN'T COMPETE, 'CAUSE

OF MY SEAT ♪
♪ BUT I CAN'T COMPETE, 'CAUSE
I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ BUT I CAN'T COMPETE, 'CAUSE
I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ DISCO FOLKS ALL DRESSED UP ♪
♪ LIKE THEY'S FIT TO KILL ♪
♪ I WALK ON IN AND SEE 'EM

♪ LIKE THEY'S FIT TO KILL ♪
♪ I WALK ON IN AND SEE 'EM
THERE ♪

♪ I WALK ON IN AND SEE 'EM
THERE ♪
♪ GONNA GIVE THEM ALL A THRILL ♪

THERE ♪
♪ GONNA GIVE THEM ALL A THRILL ♪
♪ WHEN THEY SEE ME COMING ♪

♪ GONNA GIVE THEM ALL A THRILL ♪
♪ WHEN THEY SEE ME COMING ♪
♪ THEY ALL STEPS ASIDE ♪

♪ WHEN THEY SEE ME COMING ♪
♪ THEY ALL STEPS ASIDE ♪
♪ THEY HAS A FIT WHILE I

♪ THEY ALL STEPS ASIDE ♪
♪ THEY HAS A FIT WHILE I
COMMIT ♪

♪ THEY HAS A FIT WHILE I
COMMIT ♪
♪ MY SOCIAL SUICIDE ♪

COMMIT ♪
♪ MY SOCIAL SUICIDE ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ MY SOCIAL SUICIDE ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRO-O-NG ♪

♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRO-O-NG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO

WRO-O-NG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRO-O-NG ♪

♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRO-O-NG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO

WRO-O-NG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪

♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO

WRONG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪

♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO

WRONG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪

♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO

WRONG ♪
♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪

♪ THE BEAT GOES ON, AND I'M SO
WRONG ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT

WRONG ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT

I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I GOT IT ALL TOGETHER NOW ♪
♪ WITH MY VERY OWN DISCO
CLOTHES, HEY ♪

♪ WITH MY VERY OWN DISCO
CLOTHES, HEY ♪
♪ MY SHIRT'S HALF OPEN TO SHOW

CLOTHES, HEY ♪
♪ MY SHIRT'S HALF OPEN TO SHOW
YOU MY CHAIN ♪

♪ MY SHIRT'S HALF OPEN TO SHOW
YOU MY CHAIN ♪
♪ AND THE SPOON FOR UP IN MY

YOU MY CHAIN ♪
♪ AND THE SPOON FOR UP IN MY
NOSE ♪

♪ AND THE SPOON FOR UP IN MY
NOSE ♪
[WHISTLE]

NOSE ♪
[WHISTLE]
♪ "I AM REALLY SOMETHIN'" ♪

[WHISTLE]
♪ "I AM REALLY SOMETHIN'" ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU'D PROBABLY

♪ "I AM REALLY SOMETHIN'" ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU'D PROBABLY
SAY ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU'D PROBABLY
SAY ♪
♪ SO SMOKE YOUR LITTLE SMOKE ♪

SAY ♪
♪ SO SMOKE YOUR LITTLE SMOKE ♪
♪ DRINK YOUR LITTLE DRINK ♪

♪ SO SMOKE YOUR LITTLE SMOKE ♪
♪ DRINK YOUR LITTLE DRINK ♪
♪ WHILE I DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY ♪

♪ DRINK YOUR LITTLE DRINK ♪
♪ WHILE I DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ WHILE I DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ HE'S A DANCING FOOL ♪

♪ I'M A DANCING FOO-O-O-O-O-L ♪
♪ HE'S A DANCING FOOL ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT

♪ HE'S A DANCING FOOL ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A ♪

♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT

I'M A ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A ♪

♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT

I'M A ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A ♪

♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT

I'M A ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A FOOL, YEAH ♪

♪ I MAY BE TOTALLY WRONG, BUT
I'M A FOOL, YEAH ♪
SAY, DARLING, CAN I BUY YOU A

I'M A FOOL, YEAH ♪
SAY, DARLING, CAN I BUY YOU A
DRINK?

SAY, DARLING, CAN I BUY YOU A
DRINK?
I MEAN, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR

DRINK?
I MEAN, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
MR. GOODBAR?

I MEAN, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
MR. GOODBAR?
WAIT A MINUTE.

MR. GOODBAR?
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT IT.

WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT IT.
YOU'RE AN ITALIAN.

I'VE GOT IT.
YOU'RE AN ITALIAN.
YOU'RE JEWISH?

YOU'RE AN ITALIAN.
YOU'RE JEWISH?
LOVE YOUR NAILS.

YOU'RE JEWISH?
LOVE YOUR NAILS.
YOU MUST BE A LIBRA.

LOVE YOUR NAILS.
YOU MUST BE A LIBRA.
YOUR PLACE OR MINE?

YOU MUST BE A LIBRA.
YOUR PLACE OR MINE?
[MUSIC STOPS]

YOUR PLACE OR MINE?
[MUSIC STOPS]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

[MUSIC STOPS]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
[APPLAUSE]

HONEY, I'M HOME!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THE RELATION OF THE EARTH'S AXIS
TO ITS SUN IS MOST NOTICEABLE

THE RELATION OF THE EARTH'S AXIS
TO ITS SUN IS MOST NOTICEABLE
TODAY.

TO ITS SUN IS MOST NOTICEABLE
TODAY.
YES, IT'S COLDER THAN A

TODAY.
YES, IT'S COLDER THAN A
LARTHGOR'S MIB.

YES, IT'S COLDER THAN A
LARTHGOR'S MIB.
BELDAR, WE MUST MAINTAIN OUR

LARTHGOR'S MIB.
BELDAR, WE MUST MAINTAIN OUR
LAWN SPACES TO OUR HUMAN

BELDAR, WE MUST MAINTAIN OUR
LAWN SPACES TO OUR HUMAN
NEIGHBORS.

LAWN SPACES TO OUR HUMAN
NEIGHBORS.
YOU MUST COLLECT THE FALLEN TREE

NEIGHBORS.
YOU MUST COLLECT THE FALLEN TREE
PARTICLES.

YOU MUST COLLECT THE FALLEN TREE
PARTICLES.
THERE IS NO HUMAN CUSTOM

PARTICLES.
THERE IS NO HUMAN CUSTOM
WHICH SAYS THE FEMALE SPOUSAL

THERE IS NO HUMAN CUSTOM
WHICH SAYS THE FEMALE SPOUSAL
UNIT MAY NOT COLLECT THE TREE

WHICH SAYS THE FEMALE SPOUSAL
UNIT MAY NOT COLLECT THE TREE
PARTICLES.

UNIT MAY NOT COLLECT THE TREE
PARTICLES.
BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO

PARTICLES.
BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO
INSTALLED THE EXTERIOR

BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO
INSTALLED THE EXTERIOR
TRANSPARENT WEATHER PANELS!

INSTALLED THE EXTERIOR
TRANSPARENT WEATHER PANELS!
MEBS!

TRANSPARENT WEATHER PANELS!
MEBS!
MEBS!

MEBS!
MEBS!
MEBS!

MEBS!
MEBS!
MEBS!

MEBS!
MEBS!
MEBS!

MEBS!
MEBS!
MEBS!

MEBS!
MEBS!
GREETINGS, PARENTAL UNITS.

MEBS!
GREETINGS, PARENTAL UNITS.
WAIT!

GREETINGS, PARENTAL UNITS.
WAIT!
GET YOUR YOUNG CONE OVER HERE.

WAIT!
GET YOUR YOUNG CONE OVER HERE.
YOU MUST CONSUME MASS

GET YOUR YOUNG CONE OVER HERE.
YOU MUST CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES.

YOU MUST CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES.
NO, I HAVE A DATE.

QUANTITIES.
NO, I HAVE A DATE.
I MUST PREPARE MY CONE.

NO, I HAVE A DATE.
I MUST PREPARE MY CONE.
MEBS!

I MUST PREPARE MY CONE.
MEBS!
YOU HAD A DATE LAST NIGHT.

MEBS!
YOU HAD A DATE LAST NIGHT.
BELDAR, IT IS VITAL THAT YOU

YOU HAD A DATE LAST NIGHT.
BELDAR, IT IS VITAL THAT YOU
ADDRESS OUR YOUNG ONE.

BELDAR, IT IS VITAL THAT YOU
ADDRESS OUR YOUNG ONE.
CONNIE, WE ARE CONCERNED WITH

ADDRESS OUR YOUNG ONE.
CONNIE, WE ARE CONCERNED WITH
THE INCREASING FREQUENCY OF YOUR

CONNIE, WE ARE CONCERNED WITH
THE INCREASING FREQUENCY OF YOUR
NOCTURNAL INTERACTION WITH THE

THE INCREASING FREQUENCY OF YOUR
NOCTURNAL INTERACTION WITH THE
HUMANS.

NOCTURNAL INTERACTION WITH THE
HUMANS.
DO NOT BE CONCERNED.

HUMANS.
DO NOT BE CONCERNED.
I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.

DO NOT BE CONCERNED.
I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.
GOOD.

I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.
GOOD.
YOU KNOW, CONNIE, PRYMAAT AND I

GOOD.
YOU KNOW, CONNIE, PRYMAAT AND I
ARE NOT COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF

YOU KNOW, CONNIE, PRYMAAT AND I
ARE NOT COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF
THE PROBLEMS WHICH PRESENT

ARE NOT COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF
THE PROBLEMS WHICH PRESENT
THEMSELVES TO YOU AS A YOUNG,

THE PROBLEMS WHICH PRESENT
THEMSELVES TO YOU AS A YOUNG,
ATTRACTIVE CONE ON THIS

THEMSELVES TO YOU AS A YOUNG,
ATTRACTIVE CONE ON THIS
MISERABLE PLANET.

ATTRACTIVE CONE ON THIS
MISERABLE PLANET.
OH, BOY.

MISERABLE PLANET.
OH, BOY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RELATE YOUR

OH, BOY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RELATE YOUR
LIFE TALES ABOUT THE ARZOOLIANS

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RELATE YOUR
LIFE TALES ABOUT THE ARZOOLIANS
AGAIN?

LIFE TALES ABOUT THE ARZOOLIANS
AGAIN?
NO, BUT REALIZE THAT, WHEN I

AGAIN?
NO, BUT REALIZE THAT, WHEN I
WAS YOUNG, I LIVED WITH MY

NO, BUT REALIZE THAT, WHEN I
WAS YOUNG, I LIVED WITH MY
PARENTAL UNITS ON THE PLANET

WAS YOUNG, I LIVED WITH MY
PARENTAL UNITS ON THE PLANET
GARNEP IN THE KRINT BELTS.

PARENTAL UNITS ON THE PLANET
GARNEP IN THE KRINT BELTS.
ALL DURING THIS TIME, NOT ONE

GARNEP IN THE KRINT BELTS.
ALL DURING THIS TIME, NOT ONE
GARNEEPIAN LAID A TENDRIL ON MY

ALL DURING THIS TIME, NOT ONE
GARNEEPIAN LAID A TENDRIL ON MY
CONE.

GARNEEPIAN LAID A TENDRIL ON MY
CONE.
SO THAT ON THE DAY WHEN BELDAR

CONE.
SO THAT ON THE DAY WHEN BELDAR
AND I HAD OUR LANGTHOOS JOINED

SO THAT ON THE DAY WHEN BELDAR
AND I HAD OUR LANGTHOOS JOINED
BY SHEBVAR THE RELENTLESS, I

AND I HAD OUR LANGTHOOS JOINED
BY SHEBVAR THE RELENTLESS, I
PRESENTED BELDAR WITH AN UNHONED

BY SHEBVAR THE RELENTLESS, I
PRESENTED BELDAR WITH AN UNHONED
CONE.

PRESENTED BELDAR WITH AN UNHONED
CONE.
MMM, AND IT HEIGHTENED THE

CONE.
MMM, AND IT HEIGHTENED THE
SENSO-EXPERIENCE FOR BOTH OF US.

MMM, AND IT HEIGHTENED THE
SENSO-EXPERIENCE FOR BOTH OF US.
WE DID NOT LEAVE OUR GUZZ

SENSO-EXPERIENCE FOR BOTH OF US.
WE DID NOT LEAVE OUR GUZZ
MODULE FOR THREE WHOLE DREEODES.

WE DID NOT LEAVE OUR GUZZ
MODULE FOR THREE WHOLE DREEODES.
MMM.

MODULE FOR THREE WHOLE DREEODES.
MMM.
MMM.

MMM.
MMM.
AND EXCEPT FOR THOSE TWO

MMM.
AND EXCEPT FOR THOSE TWO
FLATHRAGS FROM MEEPZOR, IT WAS

AND EXCEPT FOR THOSE TWO
FLATHRAGS FROM MEEPZOR, IT WAS
MY FIRST TIME, AS WELL.

FLATHRAGS FROM MEEPZOR, IT WAS
MY FIRST TIME, AS WELL.
"FLATHRAGS"?!

MY FIRST TIME, AS WELL.
"FLATHRAGS"?!
YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT

"FLATHRAGS"?!
YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT
FLATHRAGS FROM MEEPZOR!

YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT
FLATHRAGS FROM MEEPZOR!
Both: MEBS!

FLATHRAGS FROM MEEPZOR!
Both: MEBS!
MEBS!

Both: MEBS!
MEBS!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

MEBS!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MEBS!

[DOORBELL RINGS]
MEBS!
OH... MY DATE!

MEBS!
OH... MY DATE!
I HAVE NOT PREPARED MY CONE.

OH... MY DATE!
I HAVE NOT PREPARED MY CONE.
PARENTAL UNITS, PLEASE GREET THE

I HAVE NOT PREPARED MY CONE.
PARENTAL UNITS, PLEASE GREET THE
HUMAN.

PARENTAL UNITS, PLEASE GREET THE
HUMAN.
[BOTH GROANING]

HUMAN.
[BOTH GROANING]
GREETINGS.

[BOTH GROANING]
GREETINGS.
ENTER.

GREETINGS.
ENTER.
[APPLAUSE]

ENTER.
[APPLAUSE]
HELLO, YOU MUST BE MR. AND

[APPLAUSE]
HELLO, YOU MUST BE MR. AND
MRS., UH, CONEHEAD.

HELLO, YOU MUST BE MR. AND
MRS., UH, CONEHEAD.
YES.

MRS., UH, CONEHEAD.
YES.
CORRECT.

YES.
CORRECT.
YOUR NAME?

CORRECT.
YOUR NAME?
FRANK ZAPPA.

YOUR NAME?
FRANK ZAPPA.
WHAT IS YOUR FUNCTION ON THIS

FRANK ZAPPA.
WHAT IS YOUR FUNCTION ON THIS
PLANET?

WHAT IS YOUR FUNCTION ON THIS
PLANET?
I AM A MUSICIAN.

PLANET?
I AM A MUSICIAN.
AND I'M GIVING A CONCERT.

I AM A MUSICIAN.
AND I'M GIVING A CONCERT.
NO, THAT SHOULD BE OUT THERE.

AND I'M GIVING A CONCERT.
NO, THAT SHOULD BE OUT THERE.
IT SHOULDN'T BE IN THERE.

NO, THAT SHOULD BE OUT THERE.
IT SHOULDN'T BE IN THERE.
OH, YEAH.

IT SHOULDN'T BE IN THERE.
OH, YEAH.
AND... AND CONNIE IS MY SPECIAL

OH, YEAH.
AND... AND CONNIE IS MY SPECIAL
GUEST.

AND... AND CONNIE IS MY SPECIAL
GUEST.
"CONCERT"?

GUEST.
"CONCERT"?
"CONCERT"... A VOLUNTARY

"CONCERT"?
"CONCERT"... A VOLUNTARY
GATHERING OF HUMANS TO ABSORB

"CONCERT"... A VOLUNTARY
GATHERING OF HUMANS TO ABSORB
SOUND PATTERNS.

GATHERING OF HUMANS TO ABSORB
SOUND PATTERNS.
PRYMAAT, ASSIST OUR YOUNG ONE

SOUND PATTERNS.
PRYMAAT, ASSIST OUR YOUNG ONE
WHILE I COMMUNICATE WITH THIS

PRYMAAT, ASSIST OUR YOUNG ONE
WHILE I COMMUNICATE WITH THIS
HUMAN.

WHILE I COMMUNICATE WITH THIS
HUMAN.
I INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS

HUMAN.
I INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES.

SO, ZAPPA, WHERE DID YOU
MEET?
[LAUGHTER]

MEET?
[LAUGHTER]
EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHTER]
EXCUSE ME.
ZAPPA.

EXCUSE ME.
ZAPPA.
YEAH?

ZAPPA.
YEAH?
WHERE... WHERE DID YOU MEET

YEAH?
WHERE... WHERE DID YOU MEET
OUR YOUNG ONE?

WHERE... WHERE DID YOU MEET
OUR YOUNG ONE?
I SPOTTED HER IN THE FRONT

OUR YOUNG ONE?
I SPOTTED HER IN THE FRONT
ROW LAST NIGHT, AND I KNEW SHE

I SPOTTED HER IN THE FRONT
ROW LAST NIGHT, AND I KNEW SHE
WAS REALLY SPECIAL.

ROW LAST NIGHT, AND I KNEW SHE
WAS REALLY SPECIAL.
NATURALLY, AS A PARENTAL

WAS REALLY SPECIAL.
NATURALLY, AS A PARENTAL
UNIT, I AM CONCERNED WITH WHOM

NATURALLY, AS A PARENTAL
UNIT, I AM CONCERNED WITH WHOM
OUR YOUNG ONE INTERACTS.

UNIT, I AM CONCERNED WITH WHOM
OUR YOUNG ONE INTERACTS.
WELL, CONNIE TOLD ME WHERE

OUR YOUNG ONE INTERACTS.
WELL, CONNIE TOLD ME WHERE
YOU'RE COMING FROM.

WELL, CONNIE TOLD ME WHERE
YOU'RE COMING FROM.
[LAUGHS]

YOU'RE COMING FROM.
[LAUGHS]
I REALIZE THAT AS FRENCH PEOPLE

[LAUGHS]
I REALIZE THAT AS FRENCH PEOPLE
YOU MUST BE VERY WARY OF

I REALIZE THAT AS FRENCH PEOPLE
YOU MUST BE VERY WARY OF
AMERICANS.

YOU MUST BE VERY WARY OF
AMERICANS.
DON'T WORRY, I USED TO HAVE A

AMERICANS.
DON'T WORRY, I USED TO HAVE A
FRENCH PERSON IN THE BAND, AND I

DON'T WORRY, I USED TO HAVE A
FRENCH PERSON IN THE BAND, AND I
KNOW I CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF

FRENCH PERSON IN THE BAND, AND I
KNOW I CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF
HER.

KNOW I CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF
HER.
GOOD.

HER.
GOOD.
HI, CONNIE.

GOOD.
HI, CONNIE.
HI, FRANK.

HI, CONNIE.
HI, FRANK.
OH, EXCUSE MY PARENTAL UNITS IF

HI, FRANK.
OH, EXCUSE MY PARENTAL UNITS IF
THEY HAVE PRESENTED YOU WITH

OH, EXCUSE MY PARENTAL UNITS IF
THEY HAVE PRESENTED YOU WITH
SQUARE DOCTRINES.

THEY HAVE PRESENTED YOU WITH
SQUARE DOCTRINES.
NO, THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE

SQUARE DOCTRINES.
NO, THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE
NOT SQUARE.

NO, THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE
NOT SQUARE.
THEY'RE OKAY.

NOT SQUARE.
THEY'RE OKAY.
CONNIE HAS MANY OF THESE

THEY'RE OKAY.
CONNIE HAS MANY OF THESE
DISCS WHICH ARE GIFTS FROM THIS

CONNIE HAS MANY OF THESE
DISCS WHICH ARE GIFTS FROM THIS
HUMAN.

DISCS WHICH ARE GIFTS FROM THIS
HUMAN.
YOU PRODUCE THESE?

HUMAN.
YOU PRODUCE THESE?
YES, THIS IS A COLLECTION...

YOU PRODUCE THESE?
YES, THIS IS A COLLECTION...
AN UNAUTHORIZED COLLECTION... OF

YES, THIS IS A COLLECTION...
AN UNAUTHORIZED COLLECTION... OF
MY LATEST SOUND PATTERNS.

AN UNAUTHORIZED COLLECTION... OF
MY LATEST SOUND PATTERNS.
I, BELDAR, APPROVE.

MY LATEST SOUND PATTERNS.
I, BELDAR, APPROVE.
AU REVOIR.

I, BELDAR, APPROVE.
AU REVOIR.
RETURN AT THE PRE-DESIGNATED

AU REVOIR.
RETURN AT THE PRE-DESIGNATED
TIME COORDINATES.

RETURN AT THE PRE-DESIGNATED
TIME COORDINATES.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

TIME COORDINATES.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. AND

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. AND
MRS. CONEHEAD.

NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. AND
MRS. CONEHEAD.
MMM.

MRS. CONEHEAD.
MMM.
WHAT FINE COMPRESSED PETROLEUM

MMM.
WHAT FINE COMPRESSED PETROLEUM
BINDING POLYMERS.

WHAT FINE COMPRESSED PETROLEUM
BINDING POLYMERS.
[BOTH MUNCHING]

[APPLAUSE]

[HARMONICA PLAYING]

HI, DAD.
WE'RE BACK.
YOU OWE ME FOR THE CLEANING.

WE'RE BACK.
YOU OWE ME FOR THE CLEANING.
HELLO, SWEETHEART.

YOU OWE ME FOR THE CLEANING.
HELLO, SWEETHEART.
WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?

HELLO, SWEETHEART.
WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?
WELL, SHE'S JUST SITTING OUT

WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?
WELL, SHE'S JUST SITTING OUT
IN THE CAR, LOOKING OUT THAT

WELL, SHE'S JUST SITTING OUT
IN THE CAR, LOOKING OUT THAT
LITTLE OPERA WINDOW.

IN THE CAR, LOOKING OUT THAT
LITTLE OPERA WINDOW.
HEY, KID, LET ME OUT OF HERE.

LITTLE OPERA WINDOW.
HEY, KID, LET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'M INNOCENT, I SWEAR IT.

HEY, KID, LET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'M INNOCENT, I SWEAR IT.
I SWEAR.

I'M INNOCENT, I SWEAR IT.
I SWEAR.
I KNOW YOU ARE, MR. LANDY.

I SWEAR.
I KNOW YOU ARE, MR. LANDY.
WOULD YOU PLEASE HANG THESE UP

I KNOW YOU ARE, MR. LANDY.
WOULD YOU PLEASE HANG THESE UP
BACK THERE?

WOULD YOU PLEASE HANG THESE UP
BACK THERE?
AND WOULD YOU GET ME OUT MY

BACK THERE?
AND WOULD YOU GET ME OUT MY
SWEATER?

AND WOULD YOU GET ME OUT MY
SWEATER?
I WAS GOING TO TURN THE

SWEATER?
I WAS GOING TO TURN THE
HEROIN IN, BUT YOU CAN NEVER

I WAS GOING TO TURN THE
HEROIN IN, BUT YOU CAN NEVER
FIND A PARKING SPACE AT THE

HEROIN IN, BUT YOU CAN NEVER
FIND A PARKING SPACE AT THE
NARCOTICS BUREAU.

FIND A PARKING SPACE AT THE
NARCOTICS BUREAU.
HEY, DON'T BELIEVE HIM, KID.

NARCOTICS BUREAU.
HEY, DON'T BELIEVE HIM, KID.
HE KNOWS MORE LIES THAN

HEY, DON'T BELIEVE HIM, KID.
HE KNOWS MORE LIES THAN
F. LEE BAILEY.

HE KNOWS MORE LIES THAN
F. LEE BAILEY.
UM, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT...

F. LEE BAILEY.
UM, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT...
THE BETTY BOOP ONE OR THE BLUE

UM, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT...
THE BETTY BOOP ONE OR THE BLUE
ONE?

THE BETTY BOOP ONE OR THE BLUE
ONE?
THE BLUE ONE.

ONE?
THE BLUE ONE.
OH, THE BLUE ONE. OKAY.

THE BLUE ONE.
OH, THE BLUE ONE. OKAY.
THANK YOU.

OH, THE BLUE ONE. OKAY.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO GET YOUR

THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO GET YOUR
MOTHER.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO GET YOUR
MOTHER.
HONEY, DON'T FRATERNIZE WITH THE

MOTHER.
HONEY, DON'T FRATERNIZE WITH THE
CONVICTS.

HONEY, DON'T FRATERNIZE WITH THE
CONVICTS.
HEY, KID.

CONVICTS.
HEY, KID.
HEY, KID.

HEY, KID.
HEY, KID.
KID, GET ME THE PHONE.

HEY, KID.
KID, GET ME THE PHONE.
GET... GET ME THE SAN DIEGO ZOO

KID, GET ME THE PHONE.
GET... GET ME THE SAN DIEGO ZOO
ON THE PHONE... AREA CODE

GET... GET ME THE SAN DIEGO ZOO
ON THE PHONE... AREA CODE
714-422...

ON THE PHONE... AREA CODE
714-422...
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CALLING

714-422...
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CALLING
THE SAN DIEGO ZOO?

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CALLING
THE SAN DIEGO ZOO?
IT'S MY LAWYER... HE'S, UH...

THE SAN DIEGO ZOO?
IT'S MY LAWYER... HE'S, UH...
HE'S THERE.

IT'S MY LAWYER... HE'S, UH...
HE'S THERE.
WELL, I MEAN, NOT ALWAYS.

HE'S THERE.
WELL, I MEAN, NOT ALWAYS.
PART TIME, YOU KNOW.

WELL, I MEAN, NOT ALWAYS.
PART TIME, YOU KNOW.
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, HE'S

PART TIME, YOU KNOW.
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, HE'S
THERE, YOU KNOW.

BUT SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, HE'S
THERE, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, HE LIKES IT THERE.

THERE, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, HE LIKES IT THERE.
HE LIKES... IT'S NONE OF YOUR

I MEAN, HE LIKES IT THERE.
HE LIKES... IT'S NONE OF YOUR
BUSINESS.

HE LIKES... IT'S NONE OF YOUR
BUSINESS.
NOW, JUST GET HIM ON THE PHONE.

BUSINESS.
NOW, JUST GET HIM ON THE PHONE.
ASK FOR BENJAMIN LATELLA, COME

NOW, JUST GET HIM ON THE PHONE.
ASK FOR BENJAMIN LATELLA, COME
ON.

ASK FOR BENJAMIN LATELLA, COME
ON.
CAN NO ONE HEAR THIS VOICE

ON.
CAN NO ONE HEAR THIS VOICE
CRYING OUT IN THE WILDERNESS

CAN NO ONE HEAR THIS VOICE
CRYING OUT IN THE WILDERNESS
AGAINST THE CALLOUS AND

CRYING OUT IN THE WILDERNESS
AGAINST THE CALLOUS AND
CYNICAL...

AGAINST THE CALLOUS AND
CYNICAL...
AW, SHUT UP.

CYNICAL...
AW, SHUT UP.
YOU'RE NOT IN THE WILDERNESS.

AW, SHUT UP.
YOU'RE NOT IN THE WILDERNESS.
YOU'RE IN THE HALL CLOSET.

YOU'RE NOT IN THE WILDERNESS.
YOU'RE IN THE HALL CLOSET.
IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN

YOU'RE IN THE HALL CLOSET.
IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN
BEING LOCKED UP UNDER THE

IT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN
BEING LOCKED UP UNDER THE
STAIRS.

BEING LOCKED UP UNDER THE
STAIRS.
AT LEAST YOU GET TO TRY ON HATS.

STAIRS.
AT LEAST YOU GET TO TRY ON HATS.
TWO MORE.

AT LEAST YOU GET TO TRY ON HATS.
TWO MORE.
HERE, LOOK, I JUST GOT THE LIST

TWO MORE.
HERE, LOOK, I JUST GOT THE LIST
OF STATE PRISONERS YOU CAN APPLY

HERE, LOOK, I JUST GOT THE LIST
OF STATE PRISONERS YOU CAN APPLY
FOR.

OF STATE PRISONERS YOU CAN APPLY
FOR.
LOOK AT THIS.

FOR.
LOOK AT THIS.
HERE, HIT AND RUN... FIRST

LOOK AT THIS.
HERE, HIT AND RUN... FIRST
OFFENSE.

HERE, HIT AND RUN... FIRST
OFFENSE.
WE COULD LOCK HIM IN THE

OFFENSE.
WE COULD LOCK HIM IN THE
GUEST-ROOM CLOSET.

WE COULD LOCK HIM IN THE
GUEST-ROOM CLOSET.
THERE'S ALREADY A LOCK ON IT.

GUEST-ROOM CLOSET.
THERE'S ALREADY A LOCK ON IT.
AND HERE... HIJACKER, ELDERLY.

THERE'S ALREADY A LOCK ON IT.
AND HERE... HIJACKER, ELDERLY.
WE CAN STICK HIM IN THE

AND HERE... HIJACKER, ELDERLY.
WE CAN STICK HIM IN THE
BUTLER'S PANTRY.

WE CAN STICK HIM IN THE
BUTLER'S PANTRY.
THIS IS SO PERFECT.

BUTLER'S PANTRY.
THIS IS SO PERFECT.
NOW, LOOK, HONEY, I MEAN,

THIS IS SO PERFECT.
NOW, LOOK, HONEY, I MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE THAT HAS TO

NOW, LOOK, HONEY, I MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE THAT HAS TO
TAKE CARE OF THEM.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONE THAT HAS TO
TAKE CARE OF THEM.
ALL RIGHT, HERE, TAKE THIS

TAKE CARE OF THEM.
ALL RIGHT, HERE, TAKE THIS
UPSTAIRS, DEAR.

ALL RIGHT, HERE, TAKE THIS
UPSTAIRS, DEAR.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S YOUR LAUNDRY.

UPSTAIRS, DEAR.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S YOUR LAUNDRY.
I COULDN'T GET THAT TOMATO-PASTE

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S YOUR LAUNDRY.
I COULDN'T GET THAT TOMATO-PASTE
STAIN OUT YOUR SHIRT.

I COULDN'T GET THAT TOMATO-PASTE
STAIN OUT YOUR SHIRT.
WE'LL HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL

STAIN OUT YOUR SHIRT.
WE'LL HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL
WITH YOUR DINNER.

WE'LL HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL
WITH YOUR DINNER.
WELL, MRS. B., HOW ABOUT

WITH YOUR DINNER.
WELL, MRS. B., HOW ABOUT
GIVING US SOMETHING TO EAT WITH

WELL, MRS. B., HOW ABOUT
GIVING US SOMETHING TO EAT WITH
BESIDES DIXIE CUP SPOONS, HUH?

GIVING US SOMETHING TO EAT WITH
BESIDES DIXIE CUP SPOONS, HUH?
AH, TONY.

BESIDES DIXIE CUP SPOONS, HUH?
AH, TONY.
YEAH, AND WHO DO WE HAVE TO

AH, TONY.
YEAH, AND WHO DO WE HAVE TO
KNOW TO GET SOME REAL HOME

YEAH, AND WHO DO WE HAVE TO
KNOW TO GET SOME REAL HOME
COOKING, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

KNOW TO GET SOME REAL HOME
COOKING, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT?

COOKING, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT?
OH, NOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST

TALKING ABOUT?
OH, NOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
BUTT OUT.

OH, NOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
BUTT OUT.
INSANE.

BUTT OUT.
INSANE.
LOOK AT THIS... WE CAN HIRE A

INSANE.
LOOK AT THIS... WE CAN HIRE A
MAID TO LOOK AFTER THEM.

LOOK AT THIS... WE CAN HIRE A
MAID TO LOOK AFTER THEM.
LOOK, THE STATE PAYS $1,800 A

MAID TO LOOK AFTER THEM.
LOOK, THE STATE PAYS $1,800 A
MONTH FOR EACH PRISONER WE TAKE

LOOK, THE STATE PAYS $1,800 A
MONTH FOR EACH PRISONER WE TAKE
OFF THEIR HANDS.

MONTH FOR EACH PRISONER WE TAKE
OFF THEIR HANDS.
WE PUT IN TWO MORE, AND THAT'S

OFF THEIR HANDS.
WE PUT IN TWO MORE, AND THAT'S
$9,000 IN CHANGE.

WE PUT IN TWO MORE, AND THAT'S
$9,000 IN CHANGE.
WELL, HONEY, NO.

$9,000 IN CHANGE.
WELL, HONEY, NO.
AND I'M NOT TOO THRILLED ABOUT

WELL, HONEY, NO.
AND I'M NOT TOO THRILLED ABOUT
THAT SEMI-REHABILITATED ARSONIST

AND I'M NOT TOO THRILLED ABOUT
THAT SEMI-REHABILITATED ARSONIST
WE GOT UPSTAIRS IN THE LINEN

THAT SEMI-REHABILITATED ARSONIST
WE GOT UPSTAIRS IN THE LINEN
CLOSET.

WE GOT UPSTAIRS IN THE LINEN
CLOSET.
I MEAN... I MEAN, WHY DON'T YOU

CLOSET.
I MEAN... I MEAN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST HELP WITH SOME OF THE

I MEAN... I MEAN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST HELP WITH SOME OF THE
CHORES AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?

JUST HELP WITH SOME OF THE
CHORES AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?
HEY, I COULD TAKE OUT THE

CHORES AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?
HEY, I COULD TAKE OUT THE
GARBAGE.

HEY, I COULD TAKE OUT THE
GARBAGE.
Shh.

GARBAGE.
Shh.
DON'T LET HIM.

Shh.
DON'T LET HIM.
HE'LL STEAL IT.

DON'T LET HIM.
HE'LL STEAL IT.
QUIET.

HE'LL STEAL IT.
QUIET.
MR. LANDY, ON THE FLOOR IN

QUIET.
MR. LANDY, ON THE FLOOR IN
THE BACK OF THE CLOSET, THERE'S

MR. LANDY, ON THE FLOOR IN
THE BACK OF THE CLOSET, THERE'S
A BOX OF SCARVES.

THE BACK OF THE CLOSET, THERE'S
A BOX OF SCARVES.
CAN YOU GET ME ONE THAT'LL GO

A BOX OF SCARVES.
CAN YOU GET ME ONE THAT'LL GO
WITH THIS SWEATER?

CAN YOU GET ME ONE THAT'LL GO
WITH THIS SWEATER?
THAT GOOD?

WITH THIS SWEATER?
THAT GOOD?
THANK YOU.

THAT GOOD?
THANK YOU.
OH.

THANK YOU.
OH.
TONY, DID YOU SEND AWAY FOR THIS

OH.
TONY, DID YOU SEND AWAY FOR THIS
WELDING KIT, C.O.D.?

TONY, DID YOU SEND AWAY FOR THIS
WELDING KIT, C.O.D.?
NO, NO. IT WAS A CONTEST.

WELDING KIT, C.O.D.?
NO, NO. IT WAS A CONTEST.
I-I MUST HAVE WON IT... YEAH,

NO, NO. IT WAS A CONTEST.
I-I MUST HAVE WON IT... YEAH,
THAT'S IT... ME, WHO NEVER WINS

I-I MUST HAVE WON IT... YEAH,
THAT'S IT... ME, WHO NEVER WINS
ANYTHING.

THAT'S IT... ME, WHO NEVER WINS
ANYTHING.
[BOTH LAUGH]

ANYTHING.
[BOTH LAUGH]
WELL, DON'T YOU LIE TO ME.

[BOTH LAUGH]
WELL, DON'T YOU LIE TO ME.
ALL RIGHT.

WELL, DON'T YOU LIE TO ME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO...

ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO...
OVERCOOK MY RICE?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO...
OVERCOOK MY RICE?
LOOK AT THIS PHONE BILL FOR

OVERCOOK MY RICE?
LOOK AT THIS PHONE BILL FOR
$58's WORTH OF CALLS TO

LOOK AT THIS PHONE BILL FOR
$58's WORTH OF CALLS TO
SAN DIEGO.

$58's WORTH OF CALLS TO
SAN DIEGO.
WHO THE HELL KEEPS CALLING

SAN DIEGO.
WHO THE HELL KEEPS CALLING
SAN DIEGO?

WHO THE HELL KEEPS CALLING
SAN DIEGO?
I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY IN

SAN DIEGO?
I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY IN
SAN DIEGO.

I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY IN
SAN DIEGO.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

SAN DIEGO.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S
THAT DOOR.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S
THAT DOOR.
JUST WHO COULD THAT BE?

THAT DOOR.
JUST WHO COULD THAT BE?
YES, MAY I HELP YOU?

JUST WHO COULD THAT BE?
YES, MAY I HELP YOU?
YEAH, THEY TOLD... I'M

YES, MAY I HELP YOU?
YEAH, THEY TOLD... I'M
LOOKING TONY DeLIFLE.

YEAH, THEY TOLD... I'M
LOOKING TONY DeLIFLE.
THEY SAID I COULD VISIT.

LOOKING TONY DeLIFLE.
THEY SAID I COULD VISIT.
I WAS NEXT DOOR, AND THEY SAID

THEY SAID I COULD VISIT.
I WAS NEXT DOOR, AND THEY SAID
YOU HAD HIM.

I WAS NEXT DOOR, AND THEY SAID
YOU HAD HIM.
WELL, I'M SORRY, HONEY,

YOU HAD HIM.
WELL, I'M SORRY, HONEY,
VISITING HOURS AREN'T TILL AFTER

WELL, I'M SORRY, HONEY,
VISITING HOURS AREN'T TILL AFTER
WE DO THE DINNER DISHES.

VISITING HOURS AREN'T TILL AFTER
WE DO THE DINNER DISHES.
YOU'LL HAVE TO JUST SIT RIGHT

WE DO THE DINNER DISHES.
YOU'LL HAVE TO JUST SIT RIGHT
DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND.

YOU'LL HAVE TO JUST SIT RIGHT
DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND.
HONEY, SHE'S HERE TO SEE TONY.

DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND.
HONEY, SHE'S HERE TO SEE TONY.
OH, FINE, FINE.

HONEY, SHE'S HERE TO SEE TONY.
OH, FINE, FINE.
HEY, LADY, VISIT ME.

OH, FINE, FINE.
HEY, LADY, VISIT ME.
THE ONLY THING I'M GUILTY OF IS

HEY, LADY, VISIT ME.
THE ONLY THING I'M GUILTY OF IS
LOVING WELL, NOT QUIETLY.

THE ONLY THING I'M GUILTY OF IS
LOVING WELL, NOT QUIETLY.
OH, YOU'RE BREAKING ME HEART

LOVING WELL, NOT QUIETLY.
OH, YOU'RE BREAKING ME HEART
THERE.

OH, YOU'RE BREAKING ME HEART
THERE.
STOP IT.

THERE.
STOP IT.
HI, TONY.

STOP IT.
HI, TONY.
HI, UH, MARILYN.

HI, TONY.
HI, UH, MARILYN.
HOW YOU BEEN?

HI, UH, MARILYN.
HOW YOU BEEN?
GOOD.

HOW YOU BEEN?
GOOD.
WHAT YOU BEEN DOING?

GOOD.
WHAT YOU BEEN DOING?
OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

WHAT YOU BEEN DOING?
OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
LOOK.

OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
LOOK.
YOU MADE THAT?

LOOK.
YOU MADE THAT?
OH, NO.

YOU MADE THAT?
OH, NO.
SEE, I SCRAPPED OFF '78, AND

OH, NO.
SEE, I SCRAPPED OFF '78, AND
I GOT TO PUT IN IN '79.

SEE, I SCRAPPED OFF '78, AND
I GOT TO PUT IN IN '79.
YOU KNOW, I DO IT FOR THE CARS.

I GOT TO PUT IN IN '79.
YOU KNOW, I DO IT FOR THE CARS.
YOU, UH, WORK IN THE LAUNDRY?

YOU KNOW, I DO IT FOR THE CARS.
YOU, UH, WORK IN THE LAUNDRY?
NO, WE SEND THEM OUT TO THE

YOU, UH, WORK IN THE LAUNDRY?
NO, WE SEND THEM OUT TO THE
DRY CLEANERS.

NO, WE SEND THEM OUT TO THE
DRY CLEANERS.
SO, UH, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

DRY CLEANERS.
SO, UH, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
OH, I'VE BEEN HERE.

SO, UH, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
OH, I'VE BEEN HERE.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

OH, I'VE BEEN HERE.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
IT BEATS ATTICA.

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
IT BEATS ATTICA.
IT'S NOT AS NICE AS THE

IT BEATS ATTICA.
IT'S NOT AS NICE AS THE
MONTENEROS', THOUGH.

IT'S NOT AS NICE AS THE
MONTENEROS', THOUGH.
"MONTENEROS'"?

MONTENEROS', THOUGH.
"MONTENEROS'"?
YEAH, YOU REMEMBER THAT

"MONTENEROS'"?
YEAH, YOU REMEMBER THAT
ELDERLY COUPLE I DID TWO TO FIVE

YEAH, YOU REMEMBER THAT
ELDERLY COUPLE I DID TWO TO FIVE
WITH AROUND '62?

ELDERLY COUPLE I DID TWO TO FIVE
WITH AROUND '62?
MM-HMM.

WITH AROUND '62?
MM-HMM.
THEY WERE GREAT.

MM-HMM.
THEY WERE GREAT.
TONY, WHEN CAN WE BE

THEY WERE GREAT.
TONY, WHEN CAN WE BE
TOGETHER?

TONY, WHEN CAN WE BE
TOGETHER?
ME AND LANDY ARE GONNA BUST

TOGETHER?
ME AND LANDY ARE GONNA BUST
OUT OF HERE NEXT TIME SHE SERVES

ME AND LANDY ARE GONNA BUST
OUT OF HERE NEXT TIME SHE SERVES
LASAGNA.

OUT OF HERE NEXT TIME SHE SERVES
LASAGNA.
WE'RE GONNA BREAK OFF THE EDGES

LASAGNA.
WE'RE GONNA BREAK OFF THE EDGES
AND LET IT HARDEN.

WE'RE GONNA BREAK OFF THE EDGES
AND LET IT HARDEN.
WE'LL USE THEM AS A SAW.

AND LET IT HARDEN.
WE'LL USE THEM AS A SAW.
[CLANKING]

WE'LL USE THEM AS A SAW.
[CLANKING]
MOM.

[CLANKING]
MOM.
WHAT'S THAT?

MOM.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE ONE IN THE LINEN

WHAT'S THAT?
THE ONE IN THE LINEN
CLOSET... HE'S RIOTING.

THE ONE IN THE LINEN
CLOSET... HE'S RIOTING.
OH, HE'S JUST...

CLOSET... HE'S RIOTING.
OH, HE'S JUST...
IS HE STILL IN THE LINEN CLOSET?

OH, HE'S JUST...
IS HE STILL IN THE LINEN CLOSET?
YEAH.

IS HE STILL IN THE LINEN CLOSET?
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, CALL THE MARSHALS

YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, CALL THE MARSHALS
IN.

ALL RIGHT, CALL THE MARSHALS
IN.
CALL OF EMERGENCY.

IN.
CALL OF EMERGENCY.
CALL OF EMERGENCY.

CALL OF EMERGENCY.
CALL OF EMERGENCY.
ALL VISITOR PRIVILEGES MUST BE

CALL OF EMERGENCY.
ALL VISITOR PRIVILEGES MUST BE
TERMINATED.

ALL VISITOR PRIVILEGES MUST BE
TERMINATED.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.

TERMINATED.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET OUT OF

I'M SORRY, HONEY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET OUT OF
HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET OUT OF
HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US GUNS?

HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US GUNS?
JUST GIVE US GUNS.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US GUNS?
JUST GIVE US GUNS.
WE'LL FLUSH HIM OUT FOR YOU.

JUST GIVE US GUNS.
WE'LL FLUSH HIM OUT FOR YOU.
LOOK, YOU NEED OUR HELP.

WE'LL FLUSH HIM OUT FOR YOU.
LOOK, YOU NEED OUR HELP.
WHAT DOES HE WANT?

LOOK, YOU NEED OUR HELP.
WHAT DOES HE WANT?
WELL, HE WANTS MORE ROOM.

WHAT DOES HE WANT?
WELL, HE WANTS MORE ROOM.
HE WANTS TO BE MOVED TO THE

WELL, HE WANTS MORE ROOM.
HE WANTS TO BE MOVED TO THE
GUEST BATHROOM.

HE WANTS TO BE MOVED TO THE
GUEST BATHROOM.
NO, WAY.

GUEST BATHROOM.
NO, WAY.
FORGET IT.

NO, WAY.
FORGET IT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE LINEN

FORGET IT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE LINEN
CLOSET?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE LINEN
CLOSET?
I DON'T KNOW.

CLOSET?
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, LOOK, WHAT DOES HE

I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, LOOK, WHAT DOES HE
HAVE?

WELL, LOOK, WHAT DOES HE
HAVE?
WELL, HE HAS OUR LINEN.

HAVE?
WELL, HE HAS OUR LINEN.
HE HAS OUR TOWELS.

WELL, HE HAS OUR LINEN.
HE HAS OUR TOWELS.
HE HAS OUR SHEETS.

HE HAS OUR TOWELS.
HE HAS OUR SHEETS.
HE HAS MY MOTHER'S LACE

HE HAS OUR SHEETS.
HE HAS MY MOTHER'S LACE
TABLECLOTH.

HE HAS MY MOTHER'S LACE
TABLECLOTH.
I'M COMING UP THERE TO

TABLECLOTH.
I'M COMING UP THERE TO
NEGOTIATE.

I'M COMING UP THERE TO
NEGOTIATE.
WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT.

NEGOTIATE.
WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT.
OH, GOD, HELP US!

WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT.
OH, GOD, HELP US!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?

OH, GOD, HELP US!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?
HOW LONG DOES HE THINK HE CAN

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?
HOW LONG DOES HE THINK HE CAN
HOLD OUT?

HOW LONG DOES HE THINK HE CAN
HOLD OUT?
I DON'T KNOW.

HOLD OUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, THOSE ARE OUR TOWELS AND

I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, THOSE ARE OUR TOWELS AND
SHEETS, TOO, YOU KNOW.

HEY, THOSE ARE OUR TOWELS AND
SHEETS, TOO, YOU KNOW.
ALL RIGHT, HENRY, WE CAN

SHEETS, TOO, YOU KNOW.
ALL RIGHT, HENRY, WE CAN
SLEEP ON DIRTY SHEETS LONGER

ALL RIGHT, HENRY, WE CAN
SLEEP ON DIRTY SHEETS LONGER
THAN YOU CAN GO WITHOUT, YOUNG

SLEEP ON DIRTY SHEETS LONGER
THAN YOU CAN GO WITHOUT, YOUNG
MAN.

THAN YOU CAN GO WITHOUT, YOUNG
MAN.
WELL, I CAN'T.

MAN.
WELL, I CAN'T.
I HATE DIRTY SHEETS AND SMELLY

WELL, I CAN'T.
I HATE DIRTY SHEETS AND SMELLY
TOWELS.

I HATE DIRTY SHEETS AND SMELLY
TOWELS.
YEAH!

TOWELS.
YEAH!
WE'RE WITH YOU, HENRY.

YEAH!
WE'RE WITH YOU, HENRY.
WE'RE WITH YOU.

WE'RE WITH YOU, HENRY.
WE'RE WITH YOU.
YEAH, YEAH.

WE'RE WITH YOU.
YEAH, YEAH.
GO, GO.

YEAH, YEAH.
GO, GO.
WAIT A MINUTE, NOW, THAT IS A

GO, GO.
WAIT A MINUTE, NOW, THAT IS A
CLEAN... JUST CLEANED THAT.

WAIT A MINUTE, NOW, THAT IS A
CLEAN... JUST CLEANED THAT.
AND THAT IS OUR BEST CHINA.

CLEAN... JUST CLEANED THAT.
AND THAT IS OUR BEST CHINA.
THAT WAS A WEDDING GIFT.

AND THAT IS OUR BEST CHINA.
THAT WAS A WEDDING GIFT.
ALL RIGHT, GET THE HOSE.

THAT WAS A WEDDING GIFT.
ALL RIGHT, GET THE HOSE.
GET THE HOSE.

ALL RIGHT, GET THE HOSE.
GET THE HOSE.
HURRY UP.

GET THE HOSE.
HURRY UP.
ALL THIS IS GOING ON YOUR

HURRY UP.
ALL THIS IS GOING ON YOUR
RECORDS.

ALL THIS IS GOING ON YOUR
RECORDS.
AND YOU, YOUNG MAN, YOU'RE GONNA

RECORDS.
AND YOU, YOUNG MAN, YOU'RE GONNA
BE CHANGING LICENSE PLATES TILL

AND YOU, YOUNG MAN, YOU'RE GONNA
BE CHANGING LICENSE PLATES TILL
THE YEAR 2001.

BE CHANGING LICENSE PLATES TILL
THE YEAR 2001.
YEAH, WELL, BE NICE TO THE

THE YEAR 2001.
YEAH, WELL, BE NICE TO THE
PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE WAY UP

YEAH, WELL, BE NICE TO THE
PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE WAY UP
'CAUSE THEY'RE THE SAME PEOPLE

PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE WAY UP
'CAUSE THEY'RE THE SAME PEOPLE
YOU'RE GONNA MEET ON THE WAY

'CAUSE THEY'RE THE SAME PEOPLE
YOU'RE GONNA MEET ON THE WAY
DOWN.

YOU'RE GONNA MEET ON THE WAY
DOWN.
[LAUGHS]

DOWN.
[LAUGHS]
I CAN'T GET IT OUT.

[LAUGHS]
I CAN'T GET IT OUT.
IT'S STUCK.

I CAN'T GET IT OUT.
IT'S STUCK.
OOH, I OUGHT TO BOX YOUR

IT'S STUCK.
OOH, I OUGHT TO BOX YOUR
EARS.

OOH, I OUGHT TO BOX YOUR
EARS.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY MANNERS?

EARS.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY MANNERS?
THE WAY YOU MESSED UP MY LINEN

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY MANNERS?
THE WAY YOU MESSED UP MY LINEN
CLOSET.

THE WAY YOU MESSED UP MY LINEN
CLOSET.
YOU PIG, YOU JUST GET OUT OF

CLOSET.
YOU PIG, YOU JUST GET OUT OF
HERE.

YOU PIG, YOU JUST GET OUT OF
HERE.
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

HERE.
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
GET GOING.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
GET GOING.
GET OUT.

GET GOING.
GET OUT.
GET OUT OF HERE.

GET OUT.
GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, NO, LOOK AT MY GOOD CHINA.

GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, NO, LOOK AT MY GOOD CHINA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU PIG?

OH, NO, LOOK AT MY GOOD CHINA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU PIG?
HOW WERE YOU BROUGHT UP?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU PIG?
HOW WERE YOU BROUGHT UP?
DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR

HOW WERE YOU BROUGHT UP?
DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR
YOU?

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR
YOU?
JUST GET RIGHT OUT OF THIS HOUSE

YOU?
JUST GET RIGHT OUT OF THIS HOUSE
THIS MINUTE.

JUST GET RIGHT OUT OF THIS HOUSE
THIS MINUTE.
I'M SICK OF YOUR WHOLE THING.

THIS MINUTE.
I'M SICK OF YOUR WHOLE THING.
AND YOU, MR. CLOSET, YOU CAN

I'M SICK OF YOUR WHOLE THING.
AND YOU, MR. CLOSET, YOU CAN
JUST GET YOURSELF RIGHT OUT OF

AND YOU, MR. CLOSET, YOU CAN
JUST GET YOURSELF RIGHT OUT OF
HERE THIS MINUTE.

JUST GET YOURSELF RIGHT OUT OF
HERE THIS MINUTE.
WHERE WERE YOU BROUGHT UP... ON

HERE THIS MINUTE.
WHERE WERE YOU BROUGHT UP... ON
THE FARM?

WHERE WERE YOU BROUGHT UP... ON
THE FARM?
JUST GET GOING.

THE FARM?
JUST GET GOING.
GO!

COULD WE GET A DOG?
[APPLAUSE]

ALLEN LUDDEN AND BETTY WHITE
ON DISPLAY AT THE METROPOLITAN.
THIS AND MORE ON

ON DISPLAY AT THE METROPOLITAN.
THIS AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE" AT MIDNIGHT.

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM
BROUGHT TO YOU BY

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
MISSIONARY POSITIONS

BROUGHT TO YOU BY
MISSIONARY POSITIONS
INCORPORATED... THE EMPLOYMENT

MISSIONARY POSITIONS
INCORPORATED... THE EMPLOYMENT
AGENCY FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO

INCORPORATED... THE EMPLOYMENT
AGENCY FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO
START AT THE TOP.

AGENCY FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO
START AT THE TOP.
NOW, HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND

START AT THE TOP.
NOW, HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.

NOW, HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FORMER

I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FORMER
FIRST LADY BETTY FORD...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FORMER
FIRST LADY BETTY FORD...
PICTURED HERE BEFORE HER RECENT

FIRST LADY BETTY FORD...
PICTURED HERE BEFORE HER RECENT
FACE-LIFT, WHICH RESULTED IN HER

PICTURED HERE BEFORE HER RECENT
FACE-LIFT, WHICH RESULTED IN HER
LOOKING LIKE THIS... SAYS THE

FACE-LIFT, WHICH RESULTED IN HER
LOOKING LIKE THIS... SAYS THE
REASON SHE UNDERWENT THE

LOOKING LIKE THIS... SAYS THE
REASON SHE UNDERWENT THE
COSMETIC SURGERY WAS BECAUSE SHE

REASON SHE UNDERWENT THE
COSMETIC SURGERY WAS BECAUSE SHE
WANTED A NEW FACE TO GO WITH HER

COSMETIC SURGERY WAS BECAUSE SHE
WANTED A NEW FACE TO GO WITH HER
NEW LIFE.

WANTED A NEW FACE TO GO WITH HER
NEW LIFE.
BETTY'S HUSBAND, JERRY, SAID

NEW LIFE.
BETTY'S HUSBAND, JERRY, SAID
THAT HE ALSO WAS SO PLEASED WITH

BETTY'S HUSBAND, JERRY, SAID
THAT HE ALSO WAS SO PLEASED WITH
THE RESULTS THAT HE SECRETLY

THAT HE ALSO WAS SO PLEASED WITH
THE RESULTS THAT HE SECRETLY
UNDERWENT THE SAME OPERATION.

THE RESULTS THAT HE SECRETLY
UNDERWENT THE SAME OPERATION.
SHOWN HERE AFTER THE SURGERY,

UNDERWENT THE SAME OPERATION.
SHOWN HERE AFTER THE SURGERY,
FORD SAID, "I'M GOING TO SUE

SHOWN HERE AFTER THE SURGERY,
FORD SAID, "I'M GOING TO SUE
THAT DOCTOR.

FORD SAID, "I'M GOING TO SUE
THAT DOCTOR.
HE DIDN'T CHANGE A THING."

THAT DOCTOR.
HE DIDN'T CHANGE A THING."
THE FIRESTONE TIRE AND RUBBER

HE DIDN'T CHANGE A THING."
THE FIRESTONE TIRE AND RUBBER
COMPANY HAS RECALLED AN

THE FIRESTONE TIRE AND RUBBER
COMPANY HAS RECALLED AN
ESTIMATED 9 MILLION STEEL-BELTED

COMPANY HAS RECALLED AN
ESTIMATED 9 MILLION STEEL-BELTED
RADIAL TIRES BECAUSE OF ALLEGED

ESTIMATED 9 MILLION STEEL-BELTED
RADIAL TIRES BECAUSE OF ALLEGED
SAFETY-RELATED DEFECTS.

RADIAL TIRES BECAUSE OF ALLEGED
SAFETY-RELATED DEFECTS.
TO HELP DEFRAY THE EXPENSE OF

SAFETY-RELATED DEFECTS.
TO HELP DEFRAY THE EXPENSE OF
THE RECALL, FIRESTONE HAS

TO HELP DEFRAY THE EXPENSE OF
THE RECALL, FIRESTONE HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT THE TIRES WILL BE

THE RECALL, FIRESTONE HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT THE TIRES WILL BE
MELTED DOWN AND RECYCLED INTO

ANNOUNCED THAT THE TIRES WILL BE
MELTED DOWN AND RECYCLED INTO
STEEL-BELTED RADIAL CONDOMS.

MELTED DOWN AND RECYCLED INTO
STEEL-BELTED RADIAL CONDOMS.
THE CONDOMS ARE GUARANTEED SAFE

STEEL-BELTED RADIAL CONDOMS.
THE CONDOMS ARE GUARANTEED SAFE
ON ANY SURFACE AND UNDER ANY

THE CONDOMS ARE GUARANTEED SAFE
ON ANY SURFACE AND UNDER ANY
WEATHER CONDITIONS, EXCEPT IN

ON ANY SURFACE AND UNDER ANY
WEATHER CONDITIONS, EXCEPT IN
THE WINTER WHEN OWNERS ARE URGED

WEATHER CONDITIONS, EXCEPT IN
THE WINTER WHEN OWNERS ARE URGED
TO USE SNOW CHAINS.

THE WINTER WHEN OWNERS ARE URGED
TO USE SNOW CHAINS.
AND IN A RELATED STORY, ANOTHER

TO USE SNOW CHAINS.
AND IN A RELATED STORY, ANOTHER
RECALL WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK.

AND IN A RELATED STORY, ANOTHER
RECALL WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK.
CORNELL MEDICAL SCHOOL ANNOUNCED

RECALL WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK.
CORNELL MEDICAL SCHOOL ANNOUNCED
THAT IT IS RECALLING ITS ENTIRE

CORNELL MEDICAL SCHOOL ANNOUNCED
THAT IT IS RECALLING ITS ENTIRE
1977 GRADUATING CLASS, CLAIMING

THAT IT IS RECALLING ITS ENTIRE
1977 GRADUATING CLASS, CLAIMING
THAT THE NEW DOCTORS WERE

1977 GRADUATING CLASS, CLAIMING
THAT THE NEW DOCTORS WERE
MISTAKENLY TAUGHT

THAT THE NEW DOCTORS WERE
MISTAKENLY TAUGHT
AIR-CONDITIONING REPAIR INSTEAD

MISTAKENLY TAUGHT
AIR-CONDITIONING REPAIR INSTEAD
OF BASIC CARDIOVASCULAR SURGERY.

AIR-CONDITIONING REPAIR INSTEAD
OF BASIC CARDIOVASCULAR SURGERY.
BILL.

OF BASIC CARDIOVASCULAR SURGERY.
BILL.
WELL, THE WORLD-CHAMPION

BILL.
WELL, THE WORLD-CHAMPION
NEW YORK YANKEES WERE THE BIG

WELL, THE WORLD-CHAMPION
NEW YORK YANKEES WERE THE BIG
STORY THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK.

NEW YORK YANKEES WERE THE BIG
STORY THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK.
[APPLAUSE]

STORY THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK.
[APPLAUSE]
THE BRONX BOMBERS CLINCHED THE

[APPLAUSE]
THE BRONX BOMBERS CLINCHED THE
SERIES TUESDAY IN LOS ANGELES,

THE BRONX BOMBERS CLINCHED THE
SERIES TUESDAY IN LOS ANGELES,
WINNING THE SERIES IN THE 6th

SERIES TUESDAY IN LOS ANGELES,
WINNING THE SERIES IN THE 6th
GAME, THE FINAL GAME, BY A SCORE

WINNING THE SERIES IN THE 6th
GAME, THE FINAL GAME, BY A SCORE
OF 5,007 TO 2.

GAME, THE FINAL GAME, BY A SCORE
OF 5,007 TO 2.
THE GAME WAS TIED 2-2 UNTIL THE

OF 5,007 TO 2.
THE GAME WAS TIED 2-2 UNTIL THE
TOP OF THE 8th WHEN THE YANKEES

THE GAME WAS TIED 2-2 UNTIL THE
TOP OF THE 8th WHEN THE YANKEES
FINALLY EXPLODED FOR 5,005 RUNS.

TOP OF THE 8th WHEN THE YANKEES
FINALLY EXPLODED FOR 5,005 RUNS.
AT ONE POINT, THE YANKEES HIT

FINALLY EXPLODED FOR 5,005 RUNS.
AT ONE POINT, THE YANKEES HIT
SAFELY 4,728 TIMES IN A ROW,

AT ONE POINT, THE YANKEES HIT
SAFELY 4,728 TIMES IN A ROW,
INCLUDING 417 HOME RUNS BY

SAFELY 4,728 TIMES IN A ROW,
INCLUDING 417 HOME RUNS BY
REGGIE JACKSON, WHICH I BELIEVE

INCLUDING 417 HOME RUNS BY
REGGIE JACKSON, WHICH I BELIEVE
IS A RECORD.

REGGIE JACKSON, WHICH I BELIEVE
IS A RECORD.
DODGERS TOM LASORDA AND

IS A RECORD.
DODGERS TOM LASORDA AND
STEVE GARVEY WERE SO DISCOURAGED

DODGERS TOM LASORDA AND
STEVE GARVEY WERE SO DISCOURAGED
AT THE HUMILIATING DEFEAT

STEVE GARVEY WERE SO DISCOURAGED
AT THE HUMILIATING DEFEAT
THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOWER AND

AT THE HUMILIATING DEFEAT
THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOWER AND
TOOK THE SUBWAY HOME.

THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOWER AND
TOOK THE SUBWAY HOME.
WELL, LAST WEEK, I INTRODUCED A

TOOK THE SUBWAY HOME.
WELL, LAST WEEK, I INTRODUCED A
NEW FEATURE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."

WELL, LAST WEEK, I INTRODUCED A
NEW FEATURE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."
AND IT PROVED SO POPULAR... WE

NEW FEATURE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."
AND IT PROVED SO POPULAR... WE
GOT LITERALLY TONS OF MAIL ON

AND IT PROVED SO POPULAR... WE
GOT LITERALLY TONS OF MAIL ON
IT, ALL OF IT FAVORABLE... THAT

GOT LITERALLY TONS OF MAIL ON
IT, ALL OF IT FAVORABLE... THAT
WE'RE BRINGING IT BACK THIS

IT, ALL OF IT FAVORABLE... THAT
WE'RE BRINGING IT BACK THIS
WEEK.

WE'RE BRINGING IT BACK THIS
WEEK.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT

WEEK.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
BILL MURRAY'S CELEBRITY CORNER.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
BILL MURRAY'S CELEBRITY CORNER.
AS YOU KNOW, PUNK ROCKER

BILL MURRAY'S CELEBRITY CORNER.
AS YOU KNOW, PUNK ROCKER
SID VICIOUS WAS RECENTLY CHARGED

AS YOU KNOW, PUNK ROCKER
SID VICIOUS WAS RECENTLY CHARGED
WITH SLAYING HIS GIRLFRIEND IN A

SID VICIOUS WAS RECENTLY CHARGED
WITH SLAYING HIS GIRLFRIEND IN A
NEW YORK HOTEL ROOM.

WITH SLAYING HIS GIRLFRIEND IN A
NEW YORK HOTEL ROOM.
AND SID'S MOM HAS FLOWN ALL THE

NEW YORK HOTEL ROOM.
AND SID'S MOM HAS FLOWN ALL THE
WAY FROM ENGLAND TO BE AT HER

AND SID'S MOM HAS FLOWN ALL THE
WAY FROM ENGLAND TO BE AT HER
SON'S SIDE.

WAY FROM ENGLAND TO BE AT HER
SON'S SIDE.
AND HERE THEY ARE RIGHT NOW...

SON'S SIDE.
AND HERE THEY ARE RIGHT NOW...
SID VICIOUS AND HIS MUM,

AND HERE THEY ARE RIGHT NOW...
SID VICIOUS AND HIS MUM,
ANNE BEVERLY.

SID VICIOUS AND HIS MUM,
ANNE BEVERLY.
SID, SURE, YOU'RE A PUNK, BUT

ANNE BEVERLY.
SID, SURE, YOU'RE A PUNK, BUT
WHY DID YOU KILL THAT GIRL?

SID, SURE, YOU'RE A PUNK, BUT
WHY DID YOU KILL THAT GIRL?
UH, FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD

WHY DID YOU KILL THAT GIRL?
UH, FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD
LIKE TO STATE THAT I AM

UH, FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD
LIKE TO STATE THAT I AM
COMPLETELY CONVINCED OF SIDNEY'S

LIKE TO STATE THAT I AM
COMPLETELY CONVINCED OF SIDNEY'S
INNOCENCE.

COMPLETELY CONVINCED OF SIDNEY'S
INNOCENCE.
AND SECONDLY, ON ADVICE FROM HIS

INNOCENCE.
AND SECONDLY, ON ADVICE FROM HIS
ATTORNEY, SIDNEY IS NOT

AND SECONDLY, ON ADVICE FROM HIS
ATTORNEY, SIDNEY IS NOT
PERMITTED TO COMMENT ON HIS

ATTORNEY, SIDNEY IS NOT
PERMITTED TO COMMENT ON HIS
CASE.

PERMITTED TO COMMENT ON HIS
CASE.
WELL, I GUESS IN YOUR

CASE.
WELL, I GUESS IN YOUR
SITUATION, I'D KEEP MY MOUTH

WELL, I GUESS IN YOUR
SITUATION, I'D KEEP MY MOUTH
SHUT, TOO, HUH?

SITUATION, I'D KEEP MY MOUTH
SHUT, TOO, HUH?
[LAUGHS]

SHUT, TOO, HUH?
[LAUGHS]
NOW, MRS. VICIOUS...

[LAUGHS]
NOW, MRS. VICIOUS...
UH, THAT'S MRS. BEVERLY.

NOW, MRS. VICIOUS...
UH, THAT'S MRS. BEVERLY.
I'M SORRY.

UH, THAT'S MRS. BEVERLY.
I'M SORRY.
CAN YOU GIVE US ANY INSIGHT INTO

I'M SORRY.
CAN YOU GIVE US ANY INSIGHT INTO
THE BOY SID?

CAN YOU GIVE US ANY INSIGHT INTO
THE BOY SID?
I MEAN, WHAT WAS HE LIKE AS A

THE BOY SID?
I MEAN, WHAT WAS HE LIKE AS A
CHILD?

I MEAN, WHAT WAS HE LIKE AS A
CHILD?
WELL, HE WAS VERY UNLUCKY

CHILD?
WELL, HE WAS VERY UNLUCKY
WITH PETS... SO MANY TERRIBLE

WELL, HE WAS VERY UNLUCKY
WITH PETS... SO MANY TERRIBLE
ACCIDENTS.

WITH PETS... SO MANY TERRIBLE
ACCIDENTS.
I REMEMBER I CAME IN ONE TIME

ACCIDENTS.
I REMEMBER I CAME IN ONE TIME
AND FOUND HIS PARAKEET BOILING

I REMEMBER I CAME IN ONE TIME
AND FOUND HIS PARAKEET BOILING
ON THE STOVE.

AND FOUND HIS PARAKEET BOILING
ON THE STOVE.
HE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN, I GOT HIM

ON THE STOVE.
HE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN, I GOT HIM
ANOTHER ONE RIGHT AWAY.

HE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN, I GOT HIM
ANOTHER ONE RIGHT AWAY.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

ANOTHER ONE RIGHT AWAY.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT ONE DIED THE SAME WAY.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT ONE DIED THE SAME WAY.
MRS. BEVERLY, YOU'VE BEEN

THAT ONE DIED THE SAME WAY.
MRS. BEVERLY, YOU'VE BEEN
QUOTED AS SAYING THAT YOU NEVER

MRS. BEVERLY, YOU'VE BEEN
QUOTED AS SAYING THAT YOU NEVER
REALLY CARED FOR SID'S

QUOTED AS SAYING THAT YOU NEVER
REALLY CARED FOR SID'S
GIRLFRIEND, NANCY.

REALLY CARED FOR SID'S
GIRLFRIEND, NANCY.
NOW HOW DO YOU FEEL?

GIRLFRIEND, NANCY.
NOW HOW DO YOU FEEL?
WELL, I-I NEVER THOUGHT SHE

NOW HOW DO YOU FEEL?
WELL, I-I NEVER THOUGHT SHE
WAS RIGHT FOR MY SIDNEY.

WELL, I-I NEVER THOUGHT SHE
WAS RIGHT FOR MY SIDNEY.
BESIDES, I ALWAYS LIKED TO THINK

WAS RIGHT FOR MY SIDNEY.
BESIDES, I ALWAYS LIKED TO THINK
I WAS HIS BEST GIRL.

BESIDES, I ALWAYS LIKED TO THINK
I WAS HIS BEST GIRL.
[LAUGHS]

I WAS HIS BEST GIRL.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, MY MOM'S ALWAYS BEEN

[LAUGHS]
WELL, MY MOM'S ALWAYS BEEN
KIND OF SPECIAL TO ME, TOO.

WELL, MY MOM'S ALWAYS BEEN
KIND OF SPECIAL TO ME, TOO.
WHAT PLANS HAVE YOU GOT NOW FOR

KIND OF SPECIAL TO ME, TOO.
WHAT PLANS HAVE YOU GOT NOW FOR
SID'S CAREER?

WHAT PLANS HAVE YOU GOT NOW FOR
SID'S CAREER?
WELL, OF COURSE SIDNEY'S OUT

SID'S CAREER?
WELL, OF COURSE SIDNEY'S OUT
ON BAIL NOW, BUT HE WILL BE

WELL, OF COURSE SIDNEY'S OUT
ON BAIL NOW, BUT HE WILL BE
PLAYING IN A FEW LOCAL CLUBS.

ON BAIL NOW, BUT HE WILL BE
PLAYING IN A FEW LOCAL CLUBS.
AND IF IT ALL GOES WELL AND

PLAYING IN A FEW LOCAL CLUBS.
AND IF IT ALL GOES WELL AND
SIDNEY DOESN'T GET THROWN IN THE

AND IF IT ALL GOES WELL AND
SIDNEY DOESN'T GET THROWN IN THE
SLAMMER, HE AND I WILL BE

SIDNEY DOESN'T GET THROWN IN THE
SLAMMER, HE AND I WILL BE
APPEARING ON "THE ANDY WILLIAMS

SLAMMER, HE AND I WILL BE
APPEARING ON "THE ANDY WILLIAMS
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL" THIS

APPEARING ON "THE ANDY WILLIAMS
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL" THIS
DECEMBER.

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL" THIS
DECEMBER.
WELL, I'M... I'M SURE THAT ANDY

DECEMBER.
WELL, I'M... I'M SURE THAT ANDY
UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU'RE GOING

WELL, I'M... I'M SURE THAT ANDY
UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH RIGHT NOW, MRS. BEVERLY.

UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH RIGHT NOW, MRS. BEVERLY.
AND WHATEVER HAPPENS IN COURT, I

THROUGH RIGHT NOW, MRS. BEVERLY.
AND WHATEVER HAPPENS IN COURT, I
KNOW THAT THIS EVENT IS GONNA

AND WHATEVER HAPPENS IN COURT, I
KNOW THAT THIS EVENT IS GONNA
TURN SIDNEY VICIOUS FROM A STAR

KNOW THAT THIS EVENT IS GONNA
TURN SIDNEY VICIOUS FROM A STAR
INTO A SUPERSTAR, AND THAT'S

TURN SIDNEY VICIOUS FROM A STAR
INTO A SUPERSTAR, AND THAT'S
GOOD NEWS.

INTO A SUPERSTAR, AND THAT'S
GOOD NEWS.
THANKS FOR APPEARING ON

GOOD NEWS.
THANKS FOR APPEARING ON
CELEBRITY CORNER, SID AND

THANKS FOR APPEARING ON
CELEBRITY CORNER, SID AND
MRS. VICIOUS.

CELEBRITY CORNER, SID AND
MRS. VICIOUS.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU

MRS. VICIOUS.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU
MANIACS, AND I MEAN IT.

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU
MANIACS, AND I MEAN IT.
NOT BAD, HUH?

MANIACS, AND I MEAN IT.
NOT BAD, HUH?
WE'RE GETTING SOME INTERESTING

NOT BAD, HUH?
WE'RE GETTING SOME INTERESTING
STUFF ON CELEBRITY CORNER.

WE'RE GETTING SOME INTERESTING
STUFF ON CELEBRITY CORNER.
WELL... SOME INTERESTING STUFF

STUFF ON CELEBRITY CORNER.
WELL... SOME INTERESTING STUFF
THIS WEEK ON CELEBRITY CORNER.

WELL... SOME INTERESTING STUFF
THIS WEEK ON CELEBRITY CORNER.
WELL, LIKE PATTY HEARST,

THIS WEEK ON CELEBRITY CORNER.
WELL, LIKE PATTY HEARST,
SUSAN FORD ANNOUNCED LAST WEEK

WELL, LIKE PATTY HEARST,
SUSAN FORD ANNOUNCED LAST WEEK
THAT SHE TOO WOULD MARRY HER

SUSAN FORD ANNOUNCED LAST WEEK
THAT SHE TOO WOULD MARRY HER
BODYGUARD.

THAT SHE TOO WOULD MARRY HER
BODYGUARD.
WHETHER THE TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS

BODYGUARD.
WHETHER THE TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS
HAD ANY EFFECT ON BESS TRUMAN,

WHETHER THE TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS
HAD ANY EFFECT ON BESS TRUMAN,
NO ONE KNOWS.

HAD ANY EFFECT ON BESS TRUMAN,
NO ONE KNOWS.
BUT THE 91-YEAR-OLD FORMER FIRST

NO ONE KNOWS.
BUT THE 91-YEAR-OLD FORMER FIRST
LADY ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WILL

BUT THE 91-YEAR-OLD FORMER FIRST
LADY ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WILL
MARRY HER BODYGUARD OF FOUR

LADY ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WILL
MARRY HER BODYGUARD OF FOUR
YEARS... 54-YEAR-OLD

MARRY HER BODYGUARD OF FOUR
YEARS... 54-YEAR-OLD
FRANK KINNING.

YEARS... 54-YEAR-OLD
FRANK KINNING.
KINNING HOPES TO REMAIN

FRANK KINNING.
KINNING HOPES TO REMAIN
MRS. TRUMAN'S BODYGUARD AFTER

KINNING HOPES TO REMAIN
MRS. TRUMAN'S BODYGUARD AFTER
THE MARRIAGE.

MRS. TRUMAN'S BODYGUARD AFTER
THE MARRIAGE.
HOWEVER, THEIR LIVES MAY CHANGE

THE MARRIAGE.
HOWEVER, THEIR LIVES MAY CHANGE
SOME.

HOWEVER, THEIR LIVES MAY CHANGE
SOME.
AS A HUSBAND OF A FORMER FIRST

SOME.
AS A HUSBAND OF A FORMER FIRST
LADY, KINNING WILL BE ENTITLED

AS A HUSBAND OF A FORMER FIRST
LADY, KINNING WILL BE ENTITLED
TO A BODYGUARD OF HIS OWN, AND

LADY, KINNING WILL BE ENTITLED
TO A BODYGUARD OF HIS OWN, AND
HE HAS CHOSEN 24-YEAR-OLD

TO A BODYGUARD OF HIS OWN, AND
HE HAS CHOSEN 24-YEAR-OLD
BONNIE LEE BATES.

HE HAS CHOSEN 24-YEAR-OLD
BONNIE LEE BATES.
WELL, THE DOLLAR TOOK A PLUNGE

BONNIE LEE BATES.
WELL, THE DOLLAR TOOK A PLUNGE
ON THE WORLD MARKET THIS WEEK

WELL, THE DOLLAR TOOK A PLUNGE
ON THE WORLD MARKET THIS WEEK
AND IS AT ITS ALL-TIME LOW IN

ON THE WORLD MARKET THIS WEEK
AND IS AT ITS ALL-TIME LOW IN
RELATION TO THE YEN AND THE

AND IS AT ITS ALL-TIME LOW IN
RELATION TO THE YEN AND THE
MARK.

RELATION TO THE YEN AND THE
MARK.
IN AN EFFORT TO STABILIZE THE

MARK.
IN AN EFFORT TO STABILIZE THE
WORLD ECONOMY, JAPANESE, GERMAN,

IN AN EFFORT TO STABILIZE THE
WORLD ECONOMY, JAPANESE, GERMAN,
AND U.S. NEGOTIATORS CAME TO AN

WORLD ECONOMY, JAPANESE, GERMAN,
AND U.S. NEGOTIATORS CAME TO AN
UNPRECEDENTED AGREEMENT TODAY.

AND U.S. NEGOTIATORS CAME TO AN
UNPRECEDENTED AGREEMENT TODAY.
JAPAN AND GERMANY WILL RESTORE

UNPRECEDENTED AGREEMENT TODAY.
JAPAN AND GERMANY WILL RESTORE
THE DOLLAR TO ITS 1946 LEVEL,

JAPAN AND GERMANY WILL RESTORE
THE DOLLAR TO ITS 1946 LEVEL,
AND THE UNITED STATES WILL

THE DOLLAR TO ITS 1946 LEVEL,
AND THE UNITED STATES WILL
ACCEPT BLAME FOR PEARL HARBOR

AND THE UNITED STATES WILL
ACCEPT BLAME FOR PEARL HARBOR
AND THE HOLOCAUST.

ACCEPT BLAME FOR PEARL HARBOR
AND THE HOLOCAUST.
JANE.

AND THE HOLOCAUST.
JANE.
ON MONDAY, THE COLLEGE OF

JANE.
ON MONDAY, THE COLLEGE OF
CARDINALS CHOSE A POLISH

ON MONDAY, THE COLLEGE OF
CARDINALS CHOSE A POLISH
CARDINAL KAROL WOJTYLA TO BE THE

CARDINALS CHOSE A POLISH
CARDINAL KAROL WOJTYLA TO BE THE
NEW POPE.

CARDINAL KAROL WOJTYLA TO BE THE
NEW POPE.
HERE TO TELL US WHAT WENT ON

NEW POPE.
HERE TO TELL US WHAT WENT ON
BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE

HERE TO TELL US WHAT WENT ON
BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE
CONCLAVE IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST

BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE
CONCLAVE IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST
FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE

CONCLAVE IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST
FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,

FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

[Italian accent] WELL,
THAT... IT SURE WAS SOME
SURPRISE.

THAT... IT SURE WAS SOME
SURPRISE.
NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, THOUGHT IT

SURPRISE.
NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE WOJTYLA.

NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE WOJTYLA.
EVERYBODY I TALKED TO SAYS THAT

WOULD BE WOJTYLA.
EVERYBODY I TALKED TO SAYS THAT
THEY THOUGHT THAT FELONIO,

EVERYBODY I TALKED TO SAYS THAT
THEY THOUGHT THAT FELONIO,
CARDINAL FELONIO WOULD BE MADE

THEY THOUGHT THAT FELONIO,
CARDINAL FELONIO WOULD BE MADE
THE POPE.

CARDINAL FELONIO WOULD BE MADE
THE POPE.
AND I THOUGHT SO, TOO.

THE POPE.
AND I THOUGHT SO, TOO.
HE HAD A REALLY GOOD CAMPAIGN.

AND I THOUGHT SO, TOO.
HE HAD A REALLY GOOD CAMPAIGN.
HE HAD NICE BUTTONS.

HE HAD A REALLY GOOD CAMPAIGN.
HE HAD NICE BUTTONS.
HE HAD A REALLY GOOD SLOGAN.

HE HAD NICE BUTTONS.
HE HAD A REALLY GOOD SLOGAN.
IT WAS, "FELONIO EST UNUM."

HE HAD A REALLY GOOD SLOGAN.
IT WAS, "FELONIO EST UNUM."
IT MEANS, "FELONIO IS THE ONE."

IT WAS, "FELONIO EST UNUM."
IT MEANS, "FELONIO IS THE ONE."
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO

IT MEANS, "FELONIO IS THE ONE."
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO
GET GOOD SLOGANS IN LATIN.

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO
GET GOOD SLOGANS IN LATIN.
THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NO SLANG.

GET GOOD SLOGANS IN LATIN.
THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NO SLANG.
AND THEY SAY, TOO, HE HAD A LOT

THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NO SLANG.
AND THEY SAY, TOO, HE HAD A LOT
OF MONEY BEHIND HIM.

AND THEY SAY, TOO, HE HAD A LOT
OF MONEY BEHIND HIM.
BUT THEN RUMORS STARTED TO

OF MONEY BEHIND HIM.
BUT THEN RUMORS STARTED TO
CIRCULATE THAT IT WAS

BUT THEN RUMORS STARTED TO
CIRCULATE THAT IT WAS
EPISCOPALIAN MONEY.

CIRCULATE THAT IT WAS
EPISCOPALIAN MONEY.
AND I THINK MAYBE IT KIND OF

EPISCOPALIAN MONEY.
AND I THINK MAYBE IT KIND OF
HURT HIS CHANCES A LITTLE BIT.

THESE CARDINALS HAD A VERY, VERY

INTERESTING APPROACH.

THEIR LINE HERE WAS SAYING,

"TOTA VIA CUM SPANZOLLO ET

RUSSO."

IT MEANS, "ALL THE WAY WITH

SPANZOLLO ET RUSSO."

AND THEY WAS RUNNING LIKE WHAT

YOU CALL A TEAM.

THEY'RE IDEA IS THAT IT'S JUST

TOO MUCH OF A JOB FOR ONE MAN IN

THESE MODERN TIMES TO BE POPE.

AND THEY SAYS, IF THEY WAS

ELECTED, THEY WOULD SHARE THE

JOB.

THEY SAYS ALSO THEY WOULD HAVE

TAKEN THE NAME OF

POPE JOHN PAUL II, AND ONE OF

THEM WOULD HAVE BEEN KNOWN AS

"JOHN PAUL II 1" AND THE OTHER

WOULD BE "JOHN PAUL II 2."

AND ONE WOULD BE POPE, LIKE,

MONDAY, WEDNESDAY, AND FRIDAY,

AND ONE TUESDAY, THURSDAY, AND

SATURDAY.

AND THEN THEY WOULD SWITCH OFF

EVERY OTHER SUNDAY.

THIS IS JUST... THIS IS JUST

SOMETHING.

CARDINAL BARCELLI.

EVERYBODY LOVES THIS FELLA, YOU

KNOW?

JUST EVERYBODY.

HE'S HOLY.

HE'S SMART, TOO.

ONLY TROUBLE WITH HIM IS HE

LOOKS JUST LIKE JOE GARAGIOLA.

WOULD LOOK BAD FOR US.

YOU KNOW, IF PEOPLE SAY, "THE

POPE, HE LOOKS LIKE

JOE GARAGIOLA."

WHAT A PITY, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A REAL SHAME.

THIS WAS A VERY INTERESTING

BUTTON AROUND THE CONCLAVE.

IT WAS FOR CARDINAL DARIO FUNGI,

THE OLDEST LIVING CARDINAL.

HE'S 106 YEARS OLD, AND HIS

FRIENDS PUT THIS OUT FOR HIM.

I THINK THEY FEEL SORRY FOR HIM

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE

OVER 80, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO

VOTE FOR POPE.

AND THE LAST CONCLAVE, THEY

DIDN'T EVEN INVITE HIM TO THE

DINNER DANCE.

THIS BUTTON SAYS

"INCONSTITUTUS."

THAT MEANS "DEADLOCKED."

"COGITATE" MEANS "CONSIDER."

"FUNGI."

AND THEY GOT A PICTURE OF A

MUSHROOM BECAUSE "FUNGI," THAT'S

A MUSHROOM IN ITALIAN.

AND THE IDEA WAS THAT IF THERE

WAS A DEADLOCK, YOU KNOW, THEY

WAS IN THERE MAYBE A MONTH OR

TWO MONTHS AND SAID THEY WANTED

TO GO HOME, YOU KNOW, GET

CLEANED UP A LITTLE BIT, THEY

COULD VOTE FOR FUNGI.

HOW LONG CAN YOU LAST WHEN

YOU'RE 106, YOU KNOW?

COUPLE OF MONTHS, MAYBE A YEAR.

AND THEN THEY COULD COME BACK

AND VOTE FOR SOMEBODY THEY

REALLY LIKE, YOU KNOW.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, WAS NO

DEADLOCK, WAS ONLY LIKE THREE

DAYS, AND I THOUGHT, FOR SURE,

IT WOULD BE LONGER 'CAUSE THEY

HAD SOME REALLY, REALLY GOOD

MOVIES THIS YEAR IN THERE.

I KNOW THEY HAD "GREASE," AND
THEY HAD "STAR WARS" AND
"JAWS 2."

THEY HAD "STAR WARS" AND
"JAWS 2."
AND MY SOURCE IN THE

"JAWS 2."
AND MY SOURCE IN THE
CONCLAVE, HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW,

AND MY SOURCE IN THE
CONCLAVE, HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW,
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO

CONCLAVE, HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW,
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO
SEE "STAR WARS" OR "JAWS 2," BUT

THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO
SEE "STAR WARS" OR "JAWS 2," BUT
THEY DID WATCH "GREASE" FOUR

SEE "STAR WARS" OR "JAWS 2," BUT
THEY DID WATCH "GREASE" FOUR
TIMES.

THEY DID WATCH "GREASE" FOUR
TIMES.
AND HE SAYS, IF A WOMAN ONLY

TIMES.
AND HE SAYS, IF A WOMAN ONLY
COULD BE ELECTED POPE, HE THINKS

AND HE SAYS, IF A WOMAN ONLY
COULD BE ELECTED POPE, HE THINKS
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN

COULD BE ELECTED POPE, HE THINKS
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN.
HE WAS, LIKE, JOKING THERE, YOU

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN.
HE WAS, LIKE, JOKING THERE, YOU
KNOW?

HE WAS, LIKE, JOKING THERE, YOU
KNOW?
WELL...

KNOW?
WELL...
I GOT TO TELL YOU, THOUGH, IN

WELL...
I GOT TO TELL YOU, THOUGH, IN
ALL SERIOUSNESS, I THINK THEY

I GOT TO TELL YOU, THOUGH, IN
ALL SERIOUSNESS, I THINK THEY
MADE A WONDERFUL CHOICE.

ALL SERIOUSNESS, I THINK THEY
MADE A WONDERFUL CHOICE.
HE'S GONNA BE A WONDERFUL POPE.

MADE A WONDERFUL CHOICE.
HE'S GONNA BE A WONDERFUL POPE.
BUT IN A MILLION YEARS, I NEVER

HE'S GONNA BE A WONDERFUL POPE.
BUT IN A MILLION YEARS, I NEVER
WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THEY

BUT IN A MILLION YEARS, I NEVER
WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THEY
WOULD HAVE GONE AND STABBED

WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THEY
WOULD HAVE GONE AND STABBED
THOSE ITALIANS IN THE BACK LIKE

WOULD HAVE GONE AND STABBED
THOSE ITALIANS IN THE BACK LIKE
THAT.

THOSE ITALIANS IN THE BACK LIKE
THAT.
THIS IS FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

THAT.
THIS IS FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA.

THANK YOU, FATHER.
HELLO, I'M "WEEKEND UPDATE"
STATION MANAGER DAN AYKROYD.

HELLO, I'M "WEEKEND UPDATE"
STATION MANAGER DAN AYKROYD.
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,

STATION MANAGER DAN AYKROYD.
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,
LOUISE BROWN, THE WORLD'S FIRST

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,
LOUISE BROWN, THE WORLD'S FIRST
TEST-TUBE BABY WAS BORN.

LOUISE BROWN, THE WORLD'S FIRST
TEST-TUBE BABY WAS BORN.
THAT IS THE TOPIC OF TONIGHT'S

TEST-TUBE BABY WAS BORN.
THAT IS THE TOPIC OF TONIGHT'S
POINT/COUNTERPOINT.

THAT IS THE TOPIC OF TONIGHT'S
POINT/COUNTERPOINT.
JANE CURTIN WILL TAKE THE

POINT/COUNTERPOINT.
JANE CURTIN WILL TAKE THE
PRO-TEST-TUBE-BABY POINT, AND I

JANE CURTIN WILL TAKE THE
PRO-TEST-TUBE-BABY POINT, AND I
WILL TAKE THE

PRO-TEST-TUBE-BABY POINT, AND I
WILL TAKE THE
ANTI-TEST-TUBE-BABY

WILL TAKE THE
ANTI-TEST-TUBE-BABY
COUNTERPOINT.

ANTI-TEST-TUBE-BABY
COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?

COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?
DAN, THERE IS NO JOY GREATER

JANE?
DAN, THERE IS NO JOY GREATER
THAN THAT OF MOTHERHOOD.

DAN, THERE IS NO JOY GREATER
THAN THAT OF MOTHERHOOD.
NO DOUBT YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND

THAN THAT OF MOTHERHOOD.
NO DOUBT YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND
THIS BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER

NO DOUBT YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND
THIS BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER
OBVIOUSLY REGRETTED YOUR BIRTH

THIS BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER
OBVIOUSLY REGRETTED YOUR BIRTH
AND REFUSED TO SUCKLE YOU,

OBVIOUSLY REGRETTED YOUR BIRTH
AND REFUSED TO SUCKLE YOU,
THEREBY ACCOUNTING FOR YOUR

AND REFUSED TO SUCKLE YOU,
THEREBY ACCOUNTING FOR YOUR
FEARFUL, FRUSTRATED PERSONALITY.

THEREBY ACCOUNTING FOR YOUR
FEARFUL, FRUSTRATED PERSONALITY.
IT IS INCONCEIVABLE THAT ANYONE

FEARFUL, FRUSTRATED PERSONALITY.
IT IS INCONCEIVABLE THAT ANYONE
OTHER THAN A COLD, POMPOUS ASS

IT IS INCONCEIVABLE THAT ANYONE
OTHER THAN A COLD, POMPOUS ASS
SUCH AS YOURSELF WOULD DENY A

OTHER THAN A COLD, POMPOUS ASS
SUCH AS YOURSELF WOULD DENY A
WOMAN THE CHANCE OF BRINGING A

SUCH AS YOURSELF WOULD DENY A
WOMAN THE CHANCE OF BRINGING A
BABY INTO THE WORLD JUST BECAUSE

WOMAN THE CHANCE OF BRINGING A
BABY INTO THE WORLD JUST BECAUSE
SHE'S UNABLE TO CONCEIVE

BABY INTO THE WORLD JUST BECAUSE
SHE'S UNABLE TO CONCEIVE
OTHERWISE.

SHE'S UNABLE TO CONCEIVE
OTHERWISE.
WHAT IS THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR OF

OTHERWISE.
WHAT IS THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR OF
MEDICAL ADVANCES?

WHAT IS THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR OF
MEDICAL ADVANCES?
WHY NOT DENY THE NEARSIGHTED

MEDICAL ADVANCES?
WHY NOT DENY THE NEARSIGHTED
THEIR EYEGLASSES?

WHY NOT DENY THE NEARSIGHTED
THEIR EYEGLASSES?
WHY NOT DENY THE DIABETIC HIS

THEIR EYEGLASSES?
WHY NOT DENY THE DIABETIC HIS
INSULIN?

WHY NOT DENY THE DIABETIC HIS
INSULIN?
WELL, DAN, I JUST HOPE THAT YOU

INSULIN?
WELL, DAN, I JUST HOPE THAT YOU
CONTRACT SOME DISEASE FOR WHICH

WELL, DAN, I JUST HOPE THAT YOU
CONTRACT SOME DISEASE FOR WHICH
THEY HAVE NO CURE AND THAT YOU

CONTRACT SOME DISEASE FOR WHICH
THEY HAVE NO CURE AND THAT YOU
WASTE AWAY AND DIE.

JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
THE ISSUE HERE IS NOT
MOTHERHOOD, APPLE PIE, NOR IS IT

THE ISSUE HERE IS NOT
MOTHERHOOD, APPLE PIE, NOR IS IT
THE TRADITIONAL MEDICAL

MOTHERHOOD, APPLE PIE, NOR IS IT
THE TRADITIONAL MEDICAL
TREATMENT OF DISEASE.

THE TRADITIONAL MEDICAL
TREATMENT OF DISEASE.
THE ISSUE HERE IS GENETIC

TREATMENT OF DISEASE.
THE ISSUE HERE IS GENETIC
ENGINEERING.

THE ISSUE HERE IS GENETIC
ENGINEERING.
ONCE SCIENCE CAN MAKE BABIES IN

ENGINEERING.
ONCE SCIENCE CAN MAKE BABIES IN
A TEST TUBE, THEN WHAT?

ONCE SCIENCE CAN MAKE BABIES IN
A TEST TUBE, THEN WHAT?
WILL SCIENCE MAKE INTELLIGENT

A TEST TUBE, THEN WHAT?
WILL SCIENCE MAKE INTELLIGENT
BABIES, PRO-SOCIALIST BABIES,

WILL SCIENCE MAKE INTELLIGENT
BABIES, PRO-SOCIALIST BABIES,
SLAVE BABIES?

BABIES, PRO-SOCIALIST BABIES,
SLAVE BABIES?
AND WHO WILL PLAY GOD IN THESE

SLAVE BABIES?
AND WHO WILL PLAY GOD IN THESE
DECISIONS?

AND WHO WILL PLAY GOD IN THESE
DECISIONS?
THE GOVERNMENT, THAT'S WHO,

DECISIONS?
THE GOVERNMENT, THAT'S WHO,
WHICH IS RUN BY LIBERALS LIKE

THE GOVERNMENT, THAT'S WHO,
WHICH IS RUN BY LIBERALS LIKE
YOU, JANE.

WHICH IS RUN BY LIBERALS LIKE
YOU, JANE.
THEN THE WORLD WILL BE INHABITED

YOU, JANE.
THEN THE WORLD WILL BE INHABITED
BY BILLIONS OF

THEN THE WORLD WILL BE INHABITED
BY BILLIONS OF
LABORATORY-PERFECTED, IGNORANT

BY BILLIONS OF
LABORATORY-PERFECTED, IGNORANT
SLUTS LIKE YOURSELF.

LABORATORY-PERFECTED, IGNORANT
SLUTS LIKE YOURSELF.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

SLUTS LIKE YOURSELF.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

[INTRO TO "THE MEEK SHALL
INHERIT NOTHING" PLAYS]

♪ SOME TAKE THE BIBLE FOR
WHAT IT'S WORTH ♪
♪ WHEN IT SAYS THAT THE MEEK

WHAT IT'S WORTH ♪
♪ WHEN IT SAYS THAT THE MEEK
SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH ♪

♪ WHEN IT SAYS THAT THE MEEK
SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH ♪
♪ WELL, I HEARD THAT SOME SHEIKH

SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH ♪
♪ WELL, I HEARD THAT SOME SHEIKH
HAS BOUGHT NEW JERSEY LAST

♪ WELL, I HEARD THAT SOME SHEIKH
HAS BOUGHT NEW JERSEY LAST
WEEK ♪

HAS BOUGHT NEW JERSEY LAST
WEEK ♪
♪ AND YOU SUCKERS AIN'T GETTING

WEEK ♪
♪ AND YOU SUCKERS AIN'T GETTING
NOTHING ♪

♪ AND YOU SUCKERS AIN'T GETTING
NOTHING ♪
♪ IS HARE RAMA REALLY WRONG ♪

NOTHING ♪
♪ IS HARE RAMA REALLY WRONG ♪
♪ IF YOU WANDER AROUND WITH A

♪ IS HARE RAMA REALLY WRONG ♪
♪ IF YOU WANDER AROUND WITH A
NAPKIN ON ♪

♪ IF YOU WANDER AROUND WITH A
NAPKIN ON ♪
♪ WITH A BELL ON A STICK AND

NAPKIN ON ♪
♪ WITH A BELL ON A STICK AND
YOUR HAIR IS ALL GONE ♪

♪ WITH A BELL ON A STICK AND
YOUR HAIR IS ALL GONE ♪
♪ THE GEEK SHALL INHERIT

YOUR HAIR IS ALL GONE ♪
♪ THE GEEK SHALL INHERIT
NOTHING ♪

♪ THE GEEK SHALL INHERIT
NOTHING ♪
♪ YOU SAY YOUR LIFE'S A BUM

NOTHING ♪
♪ YOU SAY YOUR LIFE'S A BUM
DEAL ♪

♪ YOU SAY YOUR LIFE'S A BUM
DEAL ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE UP AGAINST THE

DEAL ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE UP AGAINST THE
WALL ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE UP AGAINST THE
WALL ♪
♪ PEOPLE, YOU AIN'T EVEN GOT NO

WALL ♪
♪ PEOPLE, YOU AIN'T EVEN GOT NO
KIND OF DEAL AT ALL ♪

♪ PEOPLE, YOU AIN'T EVEN GOT NO
KIND OF DEAL AT ALL ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WHAT THEY DO IN

KIND OF DEAL AT ALL ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WHAT THEY DO IN
WASHINGTON ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHAT THEY DO IN
WASHINGTON ♪
♪ THEY JUST TAKES CARE OF NUMBER

WASHINGTON ♪
♪ THEY JUST TAKES CARE OF NUMBER
ONE ♪

♪ THEY JUST TAKES CARE OF NUMBER
ONE ♪
♪ AND NUMBER ONE AIN'T YOU ♪

ONE ♪
♪ AND NUMBER ONE AIN'T YOU ♪
NOT ANYWHERE.

♪ AND NUMBER ONE AIN'T YOU ♪
NOT ANYWHERE.
♪ YOU AIN'T EVEN NUMBER TWO ♪

NOT ANYWHERE.
♪ YOU AIN'T EVEN NUMBER TWO ♪
♪ THOSE JESUS FREAKS, WELL,

♪ YOU AIN'T EVEN NUMBER TWO ♪
♪ THOSE JESUS FREAKS, WELL,
THEY'RE FRIENDLY, BUT ♪

♪ THOSE JESUS FREAKS, WELL,
THEY'RE FRIENDLY, BUT ♪
♪ THE STUFF THEY BELIEVE HAS GOT

THEY'RE FRIENDLY, BUT ♪
♪ THE STUFF THEY BELIEVE HAS GOT
THEIR MINDS ALL SHUT ♪

♪ THE STUFF THEY BELIEVE HAS GOT
THEIR MINDS ALL SHUT ♪
♪ AND THEY DON'T EVEN CARE WHEN

THEIR MINDS ALL SHUT ♪
♪ AND THEY DON'T EVEN CARE WHEN
THE CHURCH TAKES A CUT ♪

♪ AND THEY DON'T EVEN CARE WHEN
THE CHURCH TAKES A CUT ♪
♪ AIN'T IT BLEAK WHEN YOU GOT SO

THE CHURCH TAKES A CUT ♪
♪ AIN'T IT BLEAK WHEN YOU GOT SO
MUCH NOTHING ♪

♪ AIN'T IT BLEAK WHEN YOU GOT SO
MUCH NOTHING ♪
SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

MUCH NOTHING ♪
SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
♪ HEY, EAT THAT PORK, EAT THAT

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
♪ HEY, EAT THAT PORK, EAT THAT
HAM ♪

♪ HEY, EAT THAT PORK, EAT THAT
HAM ♪
♪ LAUGH TILL YOU CHOKE ON

HAM ♪
♪ LAUGH TILL YOU CHOKE ON
BILLY GRAHAM ♪

♪ LAUGH TILL YOU CHOKE ON
BILLY GRAHAM ♪
♪ MOSES, AARON, AND ABRAHAM ♪

BILLY GRAHAM ♪
♪ MOSES, AARON, AND ABRAHAM ♪
♪ THEY'RE ALL A WASTE OF TIME ♪

♪ MOSES, AARON, AND ABRAHAM ♪
♪ THEY'RE ALL A WASTE OF TIME ♪
♪ AND IT'S YOUR BUTT THAT'S ON

♪ THEY'RE ALL A WASTE OF TIME ♪
♪ AND IT'S YOUR BUTT THAT'S ON
THE LINE ♪

♪ AND IT'S YOUR BUTT THAT'S ON
THE LINE ♪
♪ IT'S YOUR BUTT THAT'S ON THE

THE LINE ♪
♪ IT'S YOUR BUTT THAT'S ON THE
LINE ♪

♪ IT'S YOUR BUTT THAT'S ON THE
LINE ♪
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO, DO WHAT

LINE ♪
♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO, DO WHAT
YOU WILL ♪

♪ DO WHAT YOU WANT TO, DO WHAT
YOU WILL ♪
♪ JUST DON'T MESS UP YOUR

YOU WILL ♪
♪ JUST DON'T MESS UP YOUR
NEIGHBOR'S THRILL ♪

♪ JUST DON'T MESS UP YOUR
NEIGHBOR'S THRILL ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU PAY THE BILL,

NEIGHBOR'S THRILL ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU PAY THE BILL,
KINDLY LEAVE A LITTLE TIP ♪

♪ AND WHEN YOU PAY THE BILL,
KINDLY LEAVE A LITTLE TIP ♪
♪ AND HELP THE NEXT POOR SUCKER

KINDLY LEAVE A LITTLE TIP ♪
♪ AND HELP THE NEXT POOR SUCKER
ON HIS ONE-WAY TRIP ♪

♪ AND HELP THE NEXT POOR SUCKER
ON HIS ONE-WAY TRIP ♪
♪ SOME TAKE THE BIBLE ♪

ON HIS ONE-WAY TRIP ♪
♪ SOME TAKE THE BIBLE ♪
♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪

♪ SOME TAKE THE BIBLE ♪
♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪
AW, GIVE ME A HALF A DOZEN FOR

♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪
AW, GIVE ME A HALF A DOZEN FOR
THE HOTEL ROOM!

AW, GIVE ME A HALF A DOZEN FOR
THE HOTEL ROOM!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE HOTEL ROOM!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

HEY, MAN!
WENDELL, HEY.
YEAH, I'M WENDELL FROM

WENDELL, HEY.
YEAH, I'M WENDELL FROM
SOUL SOUND.

YEAH, I'M WENDELL FROM
SOUL SOUND.
MAN, HEY, IT WAS NICE WORKING

SOUL SOUND.
MAN, HEY, IT WAS NICE WORKING
WITH YOUR CREW, MAN.

MAN, HEY, IT WAS NICE WORKING
WITH YOUR CREW, MAN.
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.

WITH YOUR CREW, MAN.
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.
WE REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME

I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.
WE REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME
TONIGHT.

WE REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME
TONIGHT.
YEAH.

TONIGHT.
YEAH.
HEY, YOU WANT SOME TOOT?

YEAH.
HEY, YOU WANT SOME TOOT?
NO. NO.

HEY, YOU WANT SOME TOOT?
NO. NO.
THANKS, ANYWAY.

NO. NO.
THANKS, ANYWAY.
I DON'T DO DRUGS.

THANKS, ANYWAY.
I DON'T DO DRUGS.
YOU DON'T DO DRUGS?

I DON'T DO DRUGS.
YOU DON'T DO DRUGS?
HEY, MAN, THAT'S FUNNY, MAN.

YOU DON'T DO DRUGS?
HEY, MAN, THAT'S FUNNY, MAN.
FRANK ZAPPA DON'T DO DRUGS.

HEY, MAN, THAT'S FUNNY, MAN.
FRANK ZAPPA DON'T DO DRUGS.
FRANK, GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.

FRANK ZAPPA DON'T DO DRUGS.
FRANK, GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.
FRANK, TERRIFIC.

FRANK, GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.
FRANK, TERRIFIC.
HEY, JERRY ALDINI,

FRANK, TERRIFIC.
HEY, JERRY ALDINI,
POLYSUTRA RECORDS A&R.

HEY, JERRY ALDINI,
POLYSUTRA RECORDS A&R.
YOU WERE SENSATIONAL TONIGHT,

POLYSUTRA RECORDS A&R.
YOU WERE SENSATIONAL TONIGHT,
MAN.

YOU WERE SENSATIONAL TONIGHT,
MAN.
SENSATIONAL, SENSATIONAL.

MAN.
SENSATIONAL, SENSATIONAL.
MONSTER, MONSTER.

SENSATIONAL, SENSATIONAL.
MONSTER, MONSTER.
HEY, YOU TWO HAVE TO MEET.

MONSTER, MONSTER.
HEY, YOU TWO HAVE TO MEET.
FRANK ZAPPA, DON KIRSHNER.

HEY, YOU TWO HAVE TO MEET.
FRANK ZAPPA, DON KIRSHNER.
FRANK, YOU ARE ONE OF THE

FRANK ZAPPA, DON KIRSHNER.
FRANK, YOU ARE ONE OF THE
MOST DYNAMIC PERFORMERS IN THE

FRANK, YOU ARE ONE OF THE
MOST DYNAMIC PERFORMERS IN THE
INDUSTRY TODAY, BUT, YOU KNOW,

MOST DYNAMIC PERFORMERS IN THE
INDUSTRY TODAY, BUT, YOU KNOW,
JERRY AND I FEEL THAT IF YOU

INDUSTRY TODAY, BUT, YOU KNOW,
JERRY AND I FEEL THAT IF YOU
WERE TO UPDATE YOUR IMAGE A

JERRY AND I FEEL THAT IF YOU
WERE TO UPDATE YOUR IMAGE A
LITTLE, YOU COULD PROBABLY TAP A

WERE TO UPDATE YOUR IMAGE A
LITTLE, YOU COULD PROBABLY TAP A
WHOLE NEW SEGMENT OF TODAY'S

LITTLE, YOU COULD PROBABLY TAP A
WHOLE NEW SEGMENT OF TODAY'S
YOUTH MARKET.

WHOLE NEW SEGMENT OF TODAY'S
YOUTH MARKET.
THANKS TO JERRY ALDINI AND HIS

YOUTH MARKET.
THANKS TO JERRY ALDINI AND HIS
FABULOUS POLYSUTRA RECORDS A&R

THANKS TO JERRY ALDINI AND HIS
FABULOUS POLYSUTRA RECORDS A&R
STAFF AND TO FELIX ISMOND IN THE

FABULOUS POLYSUTRA RECORDS A&R
STAFF AND TO FELIX ISMOND IN THE
PROMOTIONAL WING OF MY OWN

STAFF AND TO FELIX ISMOND IN THE
PROMOTIONAL WING OF MY OWN
KIRSHNER ENTERTAINMENT

PROMOTIONAL WING OF MY OWN
KIRSHNER ENTERTAINMENT
CORPORATION, WE HAVE THE

KIRSHNER ENTERTAINMENT
CORPORATION, WE HAVE THE
RESOURCES AND BACKING TO TAKE

CORPORATION, WE HAVE THE
RESOURCES AND BACKING TO TAKE
YOU, FRANK ZAPPA, RIGHT BACK UP

RESOURCES AND BACKING TO TAKE
YOU, FRANK ZAPPA, RIGHT BACK UP
TO THE TOP.

YOU, FRANK ZAPPA, RIGHT BACK UP
TO THE TOP.
WHY DON'T THE THREE OF US GET

TO THE TOP.
WHY DON'T THE THREE OF US GET
INTO MY LIMO, DRIVE DOWN TO L.A.

WHY DON'T THE THREE OF US GET
INTO MY LIMO, DRIVE DOWN TO L.A.
TOGETHER, AND TAKE THIS

INTO MY LIMO, DRIVE DOWN TO L.A.
TOGETHER, AND TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO REALLY GET DOWN

TOGETHER, AND TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO REALLY GET DOWN
AND RAP?

OPPORTUNITY TO REALLY GET DOWN
AND RAP?
WELL, THANKS, BUT I'D RATHER

AND RAP?
WELL, THANKS, BUT I'D RATHER
DRIVE ALONE IN MY OWN CAR.

WELL, THANKS, BUT I'D RATHER
DRIVE ALONE IN MY OWN CAR.
THAT IS A NO-NO, FRANK.

DRIVE ALONE IN MY OWN CAR.
THAT IS A NO-NO, FRANK.
THE WEATHER HAS TURNED INTO A

THAT IS A NO-NO, FRANK.
THE WEATHER HAS TURNED INTO A
HORROR SHOW OUTSIDE.

THE WEATHER HAS TURNED INTO A
HORROR SHOW OUTSIDE.
WE'RE TALKING TORRENTIAL RAINS,

HORROR SHOW OUTSIDE.
WE'RE TALKING TORRENTIAL RAINS,
MUD SLIDES, HEAVY FLOODING.

WE'RE TALKING TORRENTIAL RAINS,
MUD SLIDES, HEAVY FLOODING.
I WOULD NOT SEND MY WORST GROUP

MUD SLIDES, HEAVY FLOODING.
I WOULD NOT SEND MY WORST GROUP
OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS.

I WOULD NOT SEND MY WORST GROUP
OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S A PERFECT

OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S A PERFECT
TIME FOR ME TO TRY OUT MY NEW

YEAH, WELL, IT'S A PERFECT
TIME FOR ME TO TRY OUT MY NEW
RAIN RADIALS.

TIME FOR ME TO TRY OUT MY NEW
RAIN RADIALS.
HEY, THAT'S COOL.

RAIN RADIALS.
HEY, THAT'S COOL.
DON, IF FRANK WANTS TO DRIVE, HE

HEY, THAT'S COOL.
DON, IF FRANK WANTS TO DRIVE, HE
DRIVES.

DON, IF FRANK WANTS TO DRIVE, HE
DRIVES.
HE'S PROBABLY GONNA PRODUCE A

DRIVES.
HE'S PROBABLY GONNA PRODUCE A
WONDERFUL, MONSTER PIECE OF

HE'S PROBABLY GONNA PRODUCE A
WONDERFUL, MONSTER PIECE OF
MUSIC ON THE TRIP, HUH?

WONDERFUL, MONSTER PIECE OF
MUSIC ON THE TRIP, HUH?
TERRIFIC.

MUSIC ON THE TRIP, HUH?
TERRIFIC.
HEY, FRANK, DO YOU NEED

TERRIFIC.
HEY, FRANK, DO YOU NEED
SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU AWAKE?

HEY, FRANK, DO YOU NEED
SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU AWAKE?
NO, TAKE IT.

SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU AWAKE?
NO, TAKE IT.
I DON'T DO DRUGS.

NO, TAKE IT.
I DON'T DO DRUGS.
KEEP IT.

I DON'T DO DRUGS.
KEEP IT.
OKAY, WELL, THAT'S FINE,

KEEP IT.
OKAY, WELL, THAT'S FINE,
ANYWAYS, IT TURNS OUT.

OKAY, WELL, THAT'S FINE,
ANYWAYS, IT TURNS OUT.
BUT IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE IN

ANYWAYS, IT TURNS OUT.
BUT IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE IN
THIS INDUSTRY.

BUT IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE IN
THIS INDUSTRY.
IT REALLY IS.

THIS INDUSTRY.
IT REALLY IS.
EXCELENTE.

IT REALLY IS.
EXCELENTE.
WE'LL SEE YOU IN L.A., PROBABLY.

EXCELENTE.
WE'LL SEE YOU IN L.A., PROBABLY.
YEAH, I LOVE YOUR FACE.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN L.A., PROBABLY.
YEAH, I LOVE YOUR FACE.
GOODBYE.

YEAH, I LOVE YOUR FACE.
GOODBYE.
AS IT TURNED OUT, FRANK ZAPPA

GOODBYE.
AS IT TURNED OUT, FRANK ZAPPA
SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THAT RIDE

AS IT TURNED OUT, FRANK ZAPPA
SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
FROM THOSE TWO FELLOWS BECAUSE,

SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THAT RIDE
FROM THOSE TWO FELLOWS BECAUSE,
ABOUT 100 MILES DOWN THE COAST,

FROM THOSE TWO FELLOWS BECAUSE,
ABOUT 100 MILES DOWN THE COAST,
IN A DENSE SHEET OF RAIN AND

ABOUT 100 MILES DOWN THE COAST,
IN A DENSE SHEET OF RAIN AND
FOG, HE MISSED A TURN SOMEWHERE

IN A DENSE SHEET OF RAIN AND
FOG, HE MISSED A TURN SOMEWHERE
AND ENDED UP ON A STEEP DIRT

FOG, HE MISSED A TURN SOMEWHERE
AND ENDED UP ON A STEEP DIRT
TRACK HE'D NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

AND ENDED UP ON A STEEP DIRT
TRACK HE'D NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
HALFWAY UP THE SIDE OF A

TRACK HE'D NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
HALFWAY UP THE SIDE OF A
MOUNTAIN, A SUDDEN FLOOD WASHED

HALFWAY UP THE SIDE OF A
MOUNTAIN, A SUDDEN FLOOD WASHED
OUT THE ROAD, AND FRANK HAD TO

MOUNTAIN, A SUDDEN FLOOD WASHED
OUT THE ROAD, AND FRANK HAD TO
ABANDON HIS CAR.

OUT THE ROAD, AND FRANK HAD TO
ABANDON HIS CAR.
HE SAW LIGHT THROUGH THE RAIN

ABANDON HIS CAR.
HE SAW LIGHT THROUGH THE RAIN
AHEAD OF HIM AND BEGAN WALKING

HE SAW LIGHT THROUGH THE RAIN
AHEAD OF HIM AND BEGAN WALKING
TOWARDS IT.

AHEAD OF HIM AND BEGAN WALKING
TOWARDS IT.
HOW COULD HE KNOW THAT HE WAS

TOWARDS IT.
HOW COULD HE KNOW THAT HE WAS
WALKING INTO A NIGHT ON

HOW COULD HE KNOW THAT HE WAS
WALKING INTO A NIGHT ON
FREAK MOUNTAIN?

WALKING INTO A NIGHT ON
FREAK MOUNTAIN?
[SCREAMS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

ANYBODY HOME?
OH, WOW!
SUNSET, WE HAVE A VISITOR!

OH, WOW!
SUNSET, WE HAVE A VISITOR!
OH, FAR OUT!

SUNSET, WE HAVE A VISITOR!
OH, FAR OUT!
ANOTHER BEING, MAN!

OH, FAR OUT!
ANOTHER BEING, MAN!
WHOA, WELCOME TO XANADU.

ANOTHER BEING, MAN!
WHOA, WELCOME TO XANADU.
YEAH.

WHOA, WELCOME TO XANADU.
YEAH.
THE ROAD WASHED OUT, AND I HAD

YEAH.
THE ROAD WASHED OUT, AND I HAD
AN ACCIDENT.

THE ROAD WASHED OUT, AND I HAD
AN ACCIDENT.
[LAUGHS]

AN ACCIDENT.
[LAUGHS]
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, MAN.

[LAUGHS]
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, MAN.
LOOK, MY CAR'S STUCK.

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, MAN.
LOOK, MY CAR'S STUCK.
I GOT A AAA CARD.

LOOK, MY CAR'S STUCK.
I GOT A AAA CARD.
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?

I GOT A AAA CARD.
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?
[LAUGHS]

CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?
[LAUGHS]
NO, MAN.

[LAUGHS]
NO, MAN.
THERE ARE... THERE ARE NO PHONES

NO, MAN.
THERE ARE... THERE ARE NO PHONES
UP HERE ON FREAK MOUNTAIN!

THERE ARE... THERE ARE NO PHONES
UP HERE ON FREAK MOUNTAIN!
[BOTH LAUGH]

UP HERE ON FREAK MOUNTAIN!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
I'M JASON.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
I'M JASON.
THIS IS MY OLD LADY, SUNSET.

I'M JASON.
THIS IS MY OLD LADY, SUNSET.
I HAVE SOME TERRIFIC POT.

THIS IS MY OLD LADY, SUNSET.
I HAVE SOME TERRIFIC POT.
LET'S GET HIGH!

I HAVE SOME TERRIFIC POT.
LET'S GET HIGH!
ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET HIGH!
ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW MY HAIR AND FACE ARE

ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW MY HAIR AND FACE ARE
LONG, BUT I REALLY DON'T TAKE

I KNOW MY HAIR AND FACE ARE
LONG, BUT I REALLY DON'T TAKE
DRUGS.

LONG, BUT I REALLY DON'T TAKE
DRUGS.
YOU KNOW, YOUR FACE IS REALLY

DRUGS.
YOU KNOW, YOUR FACE IS REALLY
FAMILIAR.

YOU KNOW, YOUR FACE IS REALLY
FAMILIAR.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

FAMILIAR.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
MAN, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
MAN, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
THIS GUY IS FRANK ZAPPA!

MAN, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
THIS GUY IS FRANK ZAPPA!
WOW!

THIS GUY IS FRANK ZAPPA!
WOW!
SUNSET, WHAT A TRIP!

WOW!
SUNSET, WHAT A TRIP!
FRANK ZAPPA!

SUNSET, WHAT A TRIP!
FRANK ZAPPA!
FAR OUT!

FRANK ZAPPA!
FAR OUT!
YOUR FIRST ALBUM, "FREAK OUT!"

FAR OUT!
YOUR FIRST ALBUM, "FREAK OUT!"
CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE, MAN.

YOUR FIRST ALBUM, "FREAK OUT!"
CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE, MAN.
I MEAN, LIKE, FOR A YEAR AFTER

CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE, MAN.
I MEAN, LIKE, FOR A YEAR AFTER
THAT, MY FRIENDS JUST CALLED ME

I MEAN, LIKE, FOR A YEAR AFTER
THAT, MY FRIENDS JUST CALLED ME
SUZY CREAMCHEESE, MAN.

THAT, MY FRIENDS JUST CALLED ME
SUZY CREAMCHEESE, MAN.
WHOA!

SUZY CREAMCHEESE, MAN.
WHOA!
HAVE YOU FOLKS GOT A CAR OR

WHOA!
HAVE YOU FOLKS GOT A CAR OR
SOMETHING?

HAVE YOU FOLKS GOT A CAR OR
SOMETHING?
NO, MAN.

SOMETHING?
NO, MAN.
WE GOT RID OF OUR V.W. VAN TWO

NO, MAN.
WE GOT RID OF OUR V.W. VAN TWO
YEARS AGO.

WE GOT RID OF OUR V.W. VAN TWO
YEARS AGO.
WE DECIDED IT WAS IMMORAL TO,

YEARS AGO.
WE DECIDED IT WAS IMMORAL TO,
LIKE, OWN AN INTERNAL-COMBUSTION

WE DECIDED IT WAS IMMORAL TO,
LIKE, OWN AN INTERNAL-COMBUSTION
VEHICLE.

LIKE, OWN AN INTERNAL-COMBUSTION
VEHICLE.
RIGHT, AND THAT'S WHEN WE

VEHICLE.
RIGHT, AND THAT'S WHEN WE
CAME UP HERE TO XANADU.

RIGHT, AND THAT'S WHEN WE
CAME UP HERE TO XANADU.
ALL RIGHT.

CAME UP HERE TO XANADU.
ALL RIGHT.
THEN WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO

ALL RIGHT.
THEN WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO
BACK TO THE HIGHWAY?

THEN WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO
BACK TO THE HIGHWAY?
IF THE ROAD'S WASHED OUT,

BACK TO THE HIGHWAY?
IF THE ROAD'S WASHED OUT,
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY BACK TO THE

IF THE ROAD'S WASHED OUT,
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY BACK TO THE
HIGHWAY, AND THAT IS TO GET

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY BACK TO THE
HIGHWAY, AND THAT IS TO GET
HIGH!

HIGHWAY, AND THAT IS TO GET
HIGH!
[LAUGHS]

HIGH!
[LAUGHS]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[LAUGHS]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
HERE, FRANK.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
HERE, FRANK.
I MADE YOU SOME HOT MUSHROOM

HERE, FRANK.
I MADE YOU SOME HOT MUSHROOM
TEA.

I MADE YOU SOME HOT MUSHROOM
TEA.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

TEA.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
MUSHROOM TEA?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
MUSHROOM TEA?
WHAT KIND OF MUSHROOMS?

MUSHROOM TEA?
WHAT KIND OF MUSHROOMS?
[LAUGHS]

WHAT KIND OF MUSHROOMS?
[LAUGHS]
CULTIVATED PSILOCYBIN SPORES

[LAUGHS]
CULTIVATED PSILOCYBIN SPORES
FROM THE BLUE HILLS OF JAMAICA,

CULTIVATED PSILOCYBIN SPORES
FROM THE BLUE HILLS OF JAMAICA,
MAN.

FROM THE BLUE HILLS OF JAMAICA,
MAN.
DRINK IT SLOWLY, THOUGH,

MAN.
DRINK IT SLOWLY, THOUGH,
BECAUSE, LIKE, IN THREE MINUTES,

DRINK IT SLOWLY, THOUGH,
BECAUSE, LIKE, IN THREE MINUTES,
YOU'LL BE SO STONED, IT'LL TAKE

BECAUSE, LIKE, IN THREE MINUTES,
YOU'LL BE SO STONED, IT'LL TAKE
YOU A WEEK TO COME DOWN.

YOU'LL BE SO STONED, IT'LL TAKE
YOU A WEEK TO COME DOWN.
YOU GOT ANY COFFEE OR

YOU A WEEK TO COME DOWN.
YOU GOT ANY COFFEE OR
SODA POP?

YOU GOT ANY COFFEE OR
SODA POP?
MR. FRANK ZAPPA, I'D LIKE YOU

SODA POP?
MR. FRANK ZAPPA, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MR. WINDOWPANE WATSON.

MR. FRANK ZAPPA, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MR. WINDOWPANE WATSON.
HI.

TO MEET MR. WINDOWPANE WATSON.
HI.
WHY DO THEY CALL YOU WINDOWPANE?

HI.
WHY DO THEY CALL YOU WINDOWPANE?
THEY CALL HIM WINDOWPANE

WHY DO THEY CALL YOU WINDOWPANE?
THEY CALL HIM WINDOWPANE
BECAUSE EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST

THEY CALL HIM WINDOWPANE
BECAUSE EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST
10 YEARS, HE'S TAKEN A HIT OF

BECAUSE EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST
10 YEARS, HE'S TAKEN A HIT OF
WINDOWPANE ACID.

10 YEARS, HE'S TAKEN A HIT OF
WINDOWPANE ACID.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, HE USED TO BE

WINDOWPANE ACID.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, HE USED TO BE
IN A BIKE CLUB.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, HE USED TO BE
IN A BIKE CLUB.
HE'S BEEN DOING ACID EVER SINCE

IN A BIKE CLUB.
HE'S BEEN DOING ACID EVER SINCE
HE BUSTED HIS HEAD OPEN WHEN HE

HE'S BEEN DOING ACID EVER SINCE
HE BUSTED HIS HEAD OPEN WHEN HE
FELL OFF HIS HOG DURING A BIG

HE BUSTED HIS HEAD OPEN WHEN HE
FELL OFF HIS HOG DURING A BIG
BIKER'S PROTEST RIDE AGAINST

FELL OFF HIS HOG DURING A BIG
BIKER'S PROTEST RIDE AGAINST
HELMET LAWS.

BIKER'S PROTEST RIDE AGAINST
HELMET LAWS.
THIS IS KIND OF A NEAT PLACE,

HELMET LAWS.
THIS IS KIND OF A NEAT PLACE,
BUT, I MEAN, DO YOU RENT THIS

THIS IS KIND OF A NEAT PLACE,
BUT, I MEAN, DO YOU RENT THIS
PLACE OR WHAT?

BUT, I MEAN, DO YOU RENT THIS
PLACE OR WHAT?
NO WAY, MAN.

PLACE OR WHAT?
NO WAY, MAN.
THEY PAY US TO LIVE HERE, MAN.

NO WAY, MAN.
THEY PAY US TO LIVE HERE, MAN.
DIG IT.

THEY PAY US TO LIVE HERE, MAN.
DIG IT.
THIS RICH OLD LADY DIED, AND

DIG IT.
THIS RICH OLD LADY DIED, AND
THIS IS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, PART OF

THIS RICH OLD LADY DIED, AND
THIS IS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, PART OF
HER ESTATE.

THIS IS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, PART OF
HER ESTATE.
RIGHT, AND, LIKE, WE MANAGE

HER ESTATE.
RIGHT, AND, LIKE, WE MANAGE
THIS PLACE FOR A TRUST COMPANY.

RIGHT, AND, LIKE, WE MANAGE
THIS PLACE FOR A TRUST COMPANY.
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE.

THIS PLACE FOR A TRUST COMPANY.
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE.
WHEN THEY SELL THIS PLACE AND

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE.
WHEN THEY SELL THIS PLACE AND
THEY TELL US TO SPLIT, THERE'S

WHEN THEY SELL THIS PLACE AND
THEY TELL US TO SPLIT, THERE'S
NO WAY WE'RE GONNA LEAVE

THEY TELL US TO SPLIT, THERE'S
NO WAY WE'RE GONNA LEAVE
BECAUSE, LIKE, THIS MOUNTAIN IS

NO WAY WE'RE GONNA LEAVE
BECAUSE, LIKE, THIS MOUNTAIN IS
LIKE OUR OWN LITTLE COUNTRY NOW,

BECAUSE, LIKE, THIS MOUNTAIN IS
LIKE OUR OWN LITTLE COUNTRY NOW,
MAN.

LIKE OUR OWN LITTLE COUNTRY NOW,
MAN.
REALLY, MAN.

MAN.
REALLY, MAN.
WE EVEN HAVE A SYSTEM OF

REALLY, MAN.
WE EVEN HAVE A SYSTEM OF
GOVERNMENT.

WE EVEN HAVE A SYSTEM OF
GOVERNMENT.
RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

GOVERNMENT.
RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, JASON IS THE PRESIDENT,

RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, JASON IS THE PRESIDENT,
I'M THE VICE PRESIDENT, AND

LIKE, JASON IS THE PRESIDENT,
I'M THE VICE PRESIDENT, AND
WINDOWPANE IS THE SECRETARY OF

I'M THE VICE PRESIDENT, AND
WINDOWPANE IS THE SECRETARY OF
THE INTERIOR.

WINDOWPANE IS THE SECRETARY OF
THE INTERIOR.
DIG IT!

THE INTERIOR.
DIG IT!
[THUNDER RUMBLES]

DIG IT!
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY OFF

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY OFF
THIS MOUNTAIN?

WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY OFF
THIS MOUNTAIN?
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GO...

THIS MOUNTAIN?
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GO...
WHEN YOU GO DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

I MEAN, WHEN YOU GO...
WHEN YOU GO DOWN THE MOUNTAIN
FOR SUPPLIES...

WHEN YOU GO DOWN THE MOUNTAIN
FOR SUPPLIES...
YEAH?

FOR SUPPLIES...
YEAH?
HOW DO YOU GO DOWN THERE?

YEAH?
HOW DO YOU GO DOWN THERE?
WELL, IT'S A TWO-DAY BACKPACK

HOW DO YOU GO DOWN THERE?
WELL, IT'S A TWO-DAY BACKPACK
TRIP DOWN DEVIL'S FACE.

WELL, IT'S A TWO-DAY BACKPACK
TRIP DOWN DEVIL'S FACE.
I HAVE NYLON ROPES AND

TRIP DOWN DEVIL'S FACE.
I HAVE NYLON ROPES AND
EVERYTHING, AND I'M UP FOR

I HAVE NYLON ROPES AND
EVERYTHING, AND I'M UP FOR
LEAVING RIGHT NOW.

EVERYTHING, AND I'M UP FOR
LEAVING RIGHT NOW.
WE COULD DO IT RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE

LEAVING RIGHT NOW.
WE COULD DO IT RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE
THE MDA I DID AN HOUR AGO IS

WE COULD DO IT RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE
THE MDA I DID AN HOUR AGO IS
KICKING IN, MAN.

THE MDA I DID AN HOUR AGO IS
KICKING IN, MAN.
IT'S REALLY CLEAN.

KICKING IN, MAN.
IT'S REALLY CLEAN.
YOU WANT SOME?

IT'S REALLY CLEAN.
YOU WANT SOME?
NO, THANK YOU.

YOU WANT SOME?
NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T DO DRUGS, AND I'M NOT

NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T DO DRUGS, AND I'M NOT
INTO BACKPACKING.

I DON'T DO DRUGS, AND I'M NOT
INTO BACKPACKING.
BUT IS IT OKAY IF I SPEND THE

INTO BACKPACKING.
BUT IS IT OKAY IF I SPEND THE
NIGHT HERE?

BUT IS IT OKAY IF I SPEND THE
NIGHT HERE?
SURE. FAR OUT.

NIGHT HERE?
SURE. FAR OUT.
YOU CAN SLEEP WITH JASON AND ME

SURE. FAR OUT.
YOU CAN SLEEP WITH JASON AND ME
IN THE HEATED ROOM.

YOU CAN SLEEP WITH JASON AND ME
IN THE HEATED ROOM.
OR YOU CAN CRASH IN THE

IN THE HEATED ROOM.
OR YOU CAN CRASH IN THE
TURRET WITH WINDOWPANE.

OR YOU CAN CRASH IN THE
TURRET WITH WINDOWPANE.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]

TURRET WITH WINDOWPANE.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
FAR OUT.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
FAR OUT.
NO, THANK YOU.

FAR OUT.
NO, THANK YOU.
NO, THANK YOU.

NO, THANK YOU.
NO, THANK YOU.
HEY, JASON.

NO, THANK YOU.
HEY, JASON.
HE REALLY DOESN'T GET HIGH.

HEY, JASON.
HE REALLY DOESN'T GET HIGH.
FRANK, LIKE, YOU REALLY DON'T

HE REALLY DOESN'T GET HIGH.
FRANK, LIKE, YOU REALLY DON'T
GET HIGH, DO YOU?

FRANK, LIKE, YOU REALLY DON'T
GET HIGH, DO YOU?
NO. I DON'T DO DRUGS.

GET HIGH, DO YOU?
NO. I DON'T DO DRUGS.
I JUST DON'T LIKE THE EFFECTS IT

NO. I DON'T DO DRUGS.
I JUST DON'T LIKE THE EFFECTS IT
HAS ON SOME PEOPLE.

I JUST DON'T LIKE THE EFFECTS IT
HAS ON SOME PEOPLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAN?

HAS ON SOME PEOPLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T DO

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T DO
DRUGS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T DO
DRUGS?
FRANK ZAPPA DOESN'T DO DRUGS?

DRUGS?
FRANK ZAPPA DOESN'T DO DRUGS?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

FRANK ZAPPA DOESN'T DO DRUGS?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU MEAN YOU WEREN'T HIGH

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU MEAN YOU WEREN'T HIGH
WHEN YOU DID

YOU MEAN YOU WEREN'T HIGH
WHEN YOU DID
"CALL ANY VEGETABLE," MAN?

WHEN YOU DID
"CALL ANY VEGETABLE," MAN?
YOU DIDN'T GET HIGH WITH THE

"CALL ANY VEGETABLE," MAN?
YOU DIDN'T GET HIGH WITH THE
ORIGINAL MOTHERS?

YOU DIDN'T GET HIGH WITH THE
ORIGINAL MOTHERS?
NO.

ORIGINAL MOTHERS?
NO.
WHAT ABOUT "FREAK OUT!" MAN?

NO.
WHAT ABOUT "FREAK OUT!" MAN?
YOU MEAN YOU WERE STRAIGHT WHEN

WHAT ABOUT "FREAK OUT!" MAN?
YOU MEAN YOU WERE STRAIGHT WHEN
YOU WROTE "FREAK OUT!"?

YOU MEAN YOU WERE STRAIGHT WHEN
YOU WROTE "FREAK OUT!"?
AAH!

YOU WROTE "FREAK OUT!"?
AAH!
[THUNDER RUMBLES]

AAH!
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
WOW, MAN!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
WOW, MAN!
THAT'S SUCH A MINDBLOWER!

WOW, MAN!
THAT'S SUCH A MINDBLOWER!
FRANK, BABE.

THAT'S SUCH A MINDBLOWER!
FRANK, BABE.
WHO ARE THESE DUDES?

FRANK, BABE.
WHO ARE THESE DUDES?
FRANK, LISTEN.

WHO ARE THESE DUDES?
FRANK, LISTEN.
BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST

FRANK, LISTEN.
BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST
DYNAMIC PERFORMERS IN OUR

BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST
DYNAMIC PERFORMERS IN OUR
INDUSTRY, I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT

DYNAMIC PERFORMERS IN OUR
INDUSTRY, I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT
JERRY ALDINI AND I HAVE FOLLOWED

INDUSTRY, I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT
JERRY ALDINI AND I HAVE FOLLOWED
YOU ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE

JERRY ALDINI AND I HAVE FOLLOWED
YOU ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE
STORM IN THE POLYSUTRA

YOU ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE
STORM IN THE POLYSUTRA
HELICOPTER RIGHT DOWN FROM YOUR

STORM IN THE POLYSUTRA
HELICOPTER RIGHT DOWN FROM YOUR
GIG IN SAN FRANCISCO AT WHICH

HELICOPTER RIGHT DOWN FROM YOUR
GIG IN SAN FRANCISCO AT WHICH
YOU PERFORMED BRILLIANTLY.

GIG IN SAN FRANCISCO AT WHICH
YOU PERFORMED BRILLIANTLY.
AND WE HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU

YOU PERFORMED BRILLIANTLY.
AND WE HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU
DOWN TO LOS ANGELES TO JOIN YOUR

AND WE HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU
DOWN TO LOS ANGELES TO JOIN YOUR
LOVELY WIFE AND CHILDREN AHMET,

DOWN TO LOS ANGELES TO JOIN YOUR
LOVELY WIFE AND CHILDREN AHMET,
DWEEZIL, AND MOON UNIT.

LOVELY WIFE AND CHILDREN AHMET,
DWEEZIL, AND MOON UNIT.
YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE, I'M GLAD

DWEEZIL, AND MOON UNIT.
YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE, I'M GLAD
TO SEE YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE, I'M GLAD
TO SEE YOU GUYS.
NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

TO SEE YOU GUYS.
NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
FAR OUT.

NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
FAR OUT.
DON KIRSHNER, HELLO.

FAR OUT.
DON KIRSHNER, HELLO.
FRANK, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

DON KIRSHNER, HELLO.
FRANK, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
ARE YOU SPLITTING, MAN?

FRANK, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
ARE YOU SPLITTING, MAN?
YEAH, LOOK, I GOT TO GO.

ARE YOU SPLITTING, MAN?
YEAH, LOOK, I GOT TO GO.
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.

YEAH, LOOK, I GOT TO GO.
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?

BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
OH, HEY.

WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
OH, HEY.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PHONES UP

OH, HEY.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PHONES UP
HERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PHONES UP
HERE.
THAT'S TOO BAD.

HERE.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
HEY, FRANK.

THAT'S TOO BAD.
HEY, FRANK.
YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO WALK

HEY, FRANK.
YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO WALK
INTO OUR PROMOTIONAL MEETING ON

YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO WALK
INTO OUR PROMOTIONAL MEETING ON
MONDAY WITH A WHOLE NEW IMAGE

INTO OUR PROMOTIONAL MEETING ON
MONDAY WITH A WHOLE NEW IMAGE
FOR FRANK ZAPPA.

MONDAY WITH A WHOLE NEW IMAGE
FOR FRANK ZAPPA.
BABY, THE '60s ARE OVER WITH.

FOR FRANK ZAPPA.
BABY, THE '60s ARE OVER WITH.
A HAIRCUT AND A SHAVE.

BABY, THE '60s ARE OVER WITH.
A HAIRCUT AND A SHAVE.
WE PUT YOU IN KIND OF A

A HAIRCUT AND A SHAVE.
WE PUT YOU IN KIND OF A
BOZ SCAGGS BLOW-DRY THING.

WE PUT YOU IN KIND OF A
BOZ SCAGGS BLOW-DRY THING.
IT WILL BE INCREDIBLE.

BOZ SCAGGS BLOW-DRY THING.
IT WILL BE INCREDIBLE.
WE CAN RAP IN THE CHOPPER.

IT WILL BE INCREDIBLE.
WE CAN RAP IN THE CHOPPER.
DONNIE, WE'LL SEE YOU AT

WE CAN RAP IN THE CHOPPER.
DONNIE, WE'LL SEE YOU AT
CHOPPERSVILLE.

DONNIE, WE'LL SEE YOU AT
CHOPPERSVILLE.
I WOULD BE AT FAULT IF I DID

CHOPPERSVILLE.
I WOULD BE AT FAULT IF I DID
NOT TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO

I WOULD BE AT FAULT IF I DID
NOT TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO
THANK MARTY ENGLEMAN AND

NOT TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO
THANK MARTY ENGLEMAN AND
MONARCH AVIATION OF STOCKTON,

THANK MARTY ENGLEMAN AND
MONARCH AVIATION OF STOCKTON,
CALIFORNIA, FOR PROVIDING US

MONARCH AVIATION OF STOCKTON,
CALIFORNIA, FOR PROVIDING US
WITH ONE OF THEIR NEW SKY RANGER

CALIFORNIA, FOR PROVIDING US
WITH ONE OF THEIR NEW SKY RANGER
JET HELICOPTERS SO THAT WE COULD

WITH ONE OF THEIR NEW SKY RANGER
JET HELICOPTERS SO THAT WE COULD
RESCUE A FINE, FINE RECORDING

JET HELICOPTERS SO THAT WE COULD
RESCUE A FINE, FINE RECORDING
ARTIST FROM SPENDING A NIGHT ON

RESCUE A FINE, FINE RECORDING
ARTIST FROM SPENDING A NIGHT ON
FREAK MOUNTAIN.

ARTIST FROM SPENDING A NIGHT ON
FREAK MOUNTAIN.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[LAUGHS]
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"WOMAN TO WOMAN."

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG

"WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER

I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT

CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.

OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A WOMAN

WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A WOMAN
WHO, UNLIKE ME, DOES NOT HAVE A

TODAY, I'M TALKING TO A WOMAN
WHO, UNLIKE ME, DOES NOT HAVE A
CAREER, WHO IS, IN FACT, WHAT

WHO, UNLIKE ME, DOES NOT HAVE A
CAREER, WHO IS, IN FACT, WHAT
HAS SO OFTEN BEEN CALLED A MERE

CAREER, WHO IS, IN FACT, WHAT
HAS SO OFTEN BEEN CALLED A MERE
HOUSEWIFE.

HAS SO OFTEN BEEN CALLED A MERE
HOUSEWIFE.
OR, AS THEY SAY IN FRENCH, A

HOUSEWIFE.
OR, AS THEY SAY IN FRENCH, A
MERE MéNAGèRIE.

OR, AS THEY SAY IN FRENCH, A
MERE MéNAGèRIE.
OR AS THEY SAY IN GERMAN, A

MERE MéNAGèRIE.
OR AS THEY SAY IN GERMAN, A
MERE HAUSFRAU.

OR AS THEY SAY IN GERMAN, A
MERE HAUSFRAU.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

MERE HAUSFRAU.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MRS. HENRY POST.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MRS. HENRY POST.
WELL, HENRY...

MRS. HENRY POST.
WELL, HENRY...
NO, THAT'S MY HUSBAND'S NAME.

WELL, HENRY...
NO, THAT'S MY HUSBAND'S NAME.
[BOTH LAUGH]

NO, THAT'S MY HUSBAND'S NAME.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'M SORRY.

[BOTH LAUGH]
I'M SORRY.
MRS. POST, THERE'S A QUESTION ON

I'M SORRY.
MRS. POST, THERE'S A QUESTION ON
THE LIPS OF EVERY SINGLE WOMAN

MRS. POST, THERE'S A QUESTION ON
THE LIPS OF EVERY SINGLE WOMAN
OF 30 YEARS OLD IN AMERICA

THE LIPS OF EVERY SINGLE WOMAN
OF 30 YEARS OLD IN AMERICA
TODAY.

OF 30 YEARS OLD IN AMERICA
TODAY.
THEY'RE ASKING, "WHAT'S IT LIKE

TODAY.
THEY'RE ASKING, "WHAT'S IT LIKE
TO BE MARRIED?"

THEY'RE ASKING, "WHAT'S IT LIKE
TO BE MARRIED?"
WELL, PHYSICALLY...

TO BE MARRIED?"
WELL, PHYSICALLY...
SPIRITUALLY, BEING MARRIED IS

WELL, PHYSICALLY...
SPIRITUALLY, BEING MARRIED IS
THE ULTIMATE.

SPIRITUALLY, BEING MARRIED IS
THE ULTIMATE.
IT'S THE PINNACLE OF WHAT A

THE ULTIMATE.
IT'S THE PINNACLE OF WHAT A
HUMAN BEING CAN BECOME.

IT'S THE PINNACLE OF WHAT A
HUMAN BEING CAN BECOME.
IT'S...

HUMAN BEING CAN BECOME.
IT'S...
OF COURSE, UNLESS YOU'VE

IT'S...
OF COURSE, UNLESS YOU'VE
EXPERIENCED IT FOR YOURSELF,

OF COURSE, UNLESS YOU'VE
EXPERIENCED IT FOR YOURSELF,
UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN HAPPILY

EXPERIENCED IT FOR YOURSELF,
UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN HAPPILY
MARRIED IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN HAPPILY
MARRIED IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP
AS I HAVE TO SOMEONE WHO LOVES

MARRIED IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP
AS I HAVE TO SOMEONE WHO LOVES
YOU AS MY HUSBAND LOVES ME, YOU

AS I HAVE TO SOMEONE WHO LOVES
YOU AS MY HUSBAND LOVES ME, YOU
COULDN'T POSSIBLY KNOW THE JOY.

YOU AS MY HUSBAND LOVES ME, YOU
COULDN'T POSSIBLY KNOW THE JOY.
[LAUGHS]

COULDN'T POSSIBLY KNOW THE JOY.
[LAUGHS]
LET'S BACKTRACK HERE FOR A

[LAUGHS]
LET'S BACKTRACK HERE FOR A
MOMENT.

LET'S BACKTRACK HERE FOR A
MOMENT.
MRS. POST, HOW LONG HAVE YOU

MOMENT.
MRS. POST, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN MARRIED?

MRS. POST, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN MARRIED?
OH, LET'S SEE.

BEEN MARRIED?
OH, LET'S SEE.
TIME FLIES SO FAST WHEN YOU'RE

OH, LET'S SEE.
TIME FLIES SO FAST WHEN YOU'RE
HAPPY.

TIME FLIES SO FAST WHEN YOU'RE
HAPPY.
UM...

HAPPY.
UM...
FIVE YEARS.

UM...
FIVE YEARS.
FIVE YEARS.

FIVE YEARS.
FIVE YEARS.
FIVE LONG YEARS.

FIVE YEARS.
FIVE LONG YEARS.
DO YOU EVER REGRET YOUR DECISION

FIVE LONG YEARS.
DO YOU EVER REGRET YOUR DECISION
TO COMMIT TO ONE PERSON FOR AN

DO YOU EVER REGRET YOUR DECISION
TO COMMIT TO ONE PERSON FOR AN
ENTIRE LIFETIME?

TO COMMIT TO ONE PERSON FOR AN
ENTIRE LIFETIME?
OH, NEVER.

ENTIRE LIFETIME?
OH, NEVER.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,

OH, NEVER.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,
NEVER.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,
NEVER.
YOU KNOW, SOMEONE LIKE YOU,

NEVER.
YOU KNOW, SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
SOMEONE WHO'S ALL ALONE COULDN'T

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
SOMEONE WHO'S ALL ALONE COULDN'T
POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND, BUT I CAN

SOMEONE WHO'S ALL ALONE COULDN'T
POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND, BUT I CAN
ONLY TELL YOU THAT BEING MARRIED

POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND, BUT I CAN
ONLY TELL YOU THAT BEING MARRIED
IS PROBABLY THE MOST WONDERFUL

ONLY TELL YOU THAT BEING MARRIED
IS PROBABLY THE MOST WONDERFUL
THING THAT A PERSON CAN

IS PROBABLY THE MOST WONDERFUL
THING THAT A PERSON CAN
EXPERIENCE.

THING THAT A PERSON CAN
EXPERIENCE.
BUT, MRS. POST, DON'T YOU

EXPERIENCE.
BUT, MRS. POST, DON'T YOU
FEEL THERE'S A WHOLE WEALTH OF

BUT, MRS. POST, DON'T YOU
FEEL THERE'S A WHOLE WEALTH OF
EXPERIENCE AND CAREERS THAT

FEEL THERE'S A WHOLE WEALTH OF
EXPERIENCE AND CAREERS THAT
YOU'RE MISSING BY TOTAL

EXPERIENCE AND CAREERS THAT
YOU'RE MISSING BY TOTAL
COMMITMENT TO A MARRIAGE?

YOU'RE MISSING BY TOTAL
COMMITMENT TO A MARRIAGE?
NO.

COMMITMENT TO A MARRIAGE?
NO.
WELL, MRS. POST, DO YOU STILL

NO.
WELL, MRS. POST, DO YOU STILL
HAVE YOUR WEDDING DRESS?

WELL, MRS. POST, DO YOU STILL
HAVE YOUR WEDDING DRESS?
YES, I DO.

HAVE YOUR WEDDING DRESS?
YES, I DO.
[LAUGHS]

YES, I DO.
[LAUGHS]
DON'T YOU THINK IT WAS A

[LAUGHS]
DON'T YOU THINK IT WAS A
WASTE TO BUY A DRESS THAT YOU

DON'T YOU THINK IT WAS A
WASTE TO BUY A DRESS THAT YOU
ONLY USED ONE DAY?

WASTE TO BUY A DRESS THAT YOU
ONLY USED ONE DAY?
I'VE WORN IT SINCE.

ONLY USED ONE DAY?
I'VE WORN IT SINCE.
YOU HAD IT DYED.

I'VE WORN IT SINCE.
YOU HAD IT DYED.
NO, NO.

YOU HAD IT DYED.
NO, NO.
IT WAS OFF-WHITE.

NO, NO.
IT WAS OFF-WHITE.
[LAUGHS]

IT WAS OFF-WHITE.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, YOU MUST HAVE HAD TO

[LAUGHS]
WELL, YOU MUST HAVE HAD TO
RETURN A LOT OF WEDDING GIFTS.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE HAD TO
RETURN A LOT OF WEDDING GIFTS.
OH, STRANGELY ENOUGH, THERE

RETURN A LOT OF WEDDING GIFTS.
OH, STRANGELY ENOUGH, THERE
WERE NO DUPLICATIONS.

OH, STRANGELY ENOUGH, THERE
WERE NO DUPLICATIONS.
REALLY?

WERE NO DUPLICATIONS.
REALLY?
WELL, YOU MUST STILL BE

REALLY?
WELL, YOU MUST STILL BE
ANSWERING THOSE "THANK YOU"

WELL, YOU MUST STILL BE
ANSWERING THOSE "THANK YOU"
NOTES.

ANSWERING THOSE "THANK YOU"
NOTES.
YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF THOSE TO

NOTES.
YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF THOSE TO
ANSWER.

YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF THOSE TO
ANSWER.
WELL, I THINK I ANSWERED THEM

ANSWER.
WELL, I THINK I ANSWERED THEM
ALL, BUT IF THERE'S ANYONE I

WELL, I THINK I ANSWERED THEM
ALL, BUT IF THERE'S ANYONE I
LEFT OUT, CAN I TAKE THIS

ALL, BUT IF THERE'S ANYONE I
LEFT OUT, CAN I TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO THANK THEM?

LEFT OUT, CAN I TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO THANK THEM?
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE

OPPORTUNITY TO THANK THEM?
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE
GIFTS AND FOR THE ANNIVERSARY

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE
GIFTS AND FOR THE ANNIVERSARY
ONES, AS WELL.

GIFTS AND FOR THE ANNIVERSARY
ONES, AS WELL.
THANK YOU.

ONES, AS WELL.
THANK YOU.
AH, YOU KNOW, EVERYONE,

THANK YOU.
AH, YOU KNOW, EVERYONE,
TOMORROW, OCTOBER 22nd, IS

AH, YOU KNOW, EVERYONE,
TOMORROW, OCTOBER 22nd, IS
MOTHER-IN-LAW DAY.

TOMORROW, OCTOBER 22nd, IS
MOTHER-IN-LAW DAY.
I, MYSELF, A SINGLE WOMAN WITH A

MOTHER-IN-LAW DAY.
I, MYSELF, A SINGLE WOMAN WITH A
CAREER, DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

I, MYSELF, A SINGLE WOMAN WITH A
CAREER, DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT THAT.

CAREER, DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT

ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT
MOTHER-IN-LAW DAY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT
MOTHER-IN-LAW DAY?
YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW

MOTHER-IN-LAW DAY?
YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
AND I GET ALONG SO WELL.

YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
AND I GET ALONG SO WELL.
SHE CALLS ME WITH RECIPES, I

AND I GET ALONG SO WELL.
SHE CALLS ME WITH RECIPES, I
CALL HER WITH REMEDIES FOR

SHE CALLS ME WITH RECIPES, I
CALL HER WITH REMEDIES FOR
CERTAIN ILLNESSES.

CALL HER WITH REMEDIES FOR
CERTAIN ILLNESSES.
THERE'S A WEALTH OF INFORMATION

CERTAIN ILLNESSES.
THERE'S A WEALTH OF INFORMATION
BEING EXCHANGED BETWEEN TWO

THERE'S A WEALTH OF INFORMATION
BEING EXCHANGED BETWEEN TWO
WOMEN WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.

BEING EXCHANGED BETWEEN TWO
WOMEN WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.
LAUNDRY.

WOMEN WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.
LAUNDRY.
WHAT ABOUT HIS DIRTY, FILTHY

LAUNDRY.
WHAT ABOUT HIS DIRTY, FILTHY
SOCKS?

WHAT ABOUT HIS DIRTY, FILTHY
SOCKS?
OH.

SOCKS?
OH.
SORTING SOCKS IS A FORM OF

OH.
SORTING SOCKS IS A FORM OF
MEDITATION FOR ME.

SORTING SOCKS IS A FORM OF
MEDITATION FOR ME.
MRS. POST, HAVE YOU EVER

MEDITATION FOR ME.
MRS. POST, HAVE YOU EVER
GOTTEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

MRS. POST, HAVE YOU EVER
GOTTEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND

GOTTEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND
THE TOILET SEAT IS UP?

NIGHT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND
THE TOILET SEAT IS UP?
HAVING GROWN UP IN A FAMILY

THE TOILET SEAT IS UP?
HAVING GROWN UP IN A FAMILY
WITH SIX BROTHERS, I ALWAYS

HAVING GROWN UP IN A FAMILY
WITH SIX BROTHERS, I ALWAYS
CHECK BEFORE I SIT.

WITH SIX BROTHERS, I ALWAYS
CHECK BEFORE I SIT.
COME ON.

CHECK BEFORE I SIT.
COME ON.
COME ON, MRS. POST.

COME ON.
COME ON, MRS. POST.
AFTER FIVE YEARS, HAS THE

COME ON, MRS. POST.
AFTER FIVE YEARS, HAS THE
ROMANCE GONE OUT OF YOUR

AFTER FIVE YEARS, HAS THE
ROMANCE GONE OUT OF YOUR
MARRIAGE?

ROMANCE GONE OUT OF YOUR
MARRIAGE?
I MEAN, NO BELLS ARE RINGING,

MARRIAGE?
I MEAN, NO BELLS ARE RINGING,
ARE THEY?

I MEAN, NO BELLS ARE RINGING,
ARE THEY?
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE

ARE THEY?
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE
STORY THAT HAPPENED ON MY

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE
STORY THAT HAPPENED ON MY
BIRTHDAY.

STORY THAT HAPPENED ON MY
BIRTHDAY.
I WAS AT HOME, MY HUSBAND WAS AT

BIRTHDAY.
I WAS AT HOME, MY HUSBAND WAS AT
HOME WITH ME.

I WAS AT HOME, MY HUSBAND WAS AT
HOME WITH ME.
THE DOORBELL RANG, AND A MAN

HOME WITH ME.
THE DOORBELL RANG, AND A MAN
APPEARED AT THE DOOR WITH A

THE DOORBELL RANG, AND A MAN
APPEARED AT THE DOOR WITH A
BLACK COAT AND A LITTLE BLACK

APPEARED AT THE DOOR WITH A
BLACK COAT AND A LITTLE BLACK
CAP, AND HE SAID, "MRS. POST,

BLACK COAT AND A LITTLE BLACK
CAP, AND HE SAID, "MRS. POST,
I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU AND YOUR

CAP, AND HE SAID, "MRS. POST,
I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU AND YOUR
HUSBAND ON YOUR LITTLE TRIP."

I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU AND YOUR
HUSBAND ON YOUR LITTLE TRIP."
WELL, I HAD NO IDEA.

HUSBAND ON YOUR LITTLE TRIP."
WELL, I HAD NO IDEA.
SO WE WENT, AND WE GOT IN THE

WELL, I HAD NO IDEA.
SO WE WENT, AND WE GOT IN THE
CAR, AND WE DROVE UP TO

SO WE WENT, AND WE GOT IN THE
CAR, AND WE DROVE UP TO
CONNECTICUT TO THIS BEAUTIFUL

CAR, AND WE DROVE UP TO
CONNECTICUT TO THIS BEAUTIFUL
INN.

CONNECTICUT TO THIS BEAUTIFUL
INN.
IT WAS BUILT ABOUT 1810.

INN.
IT WAS BUILT ABOUT 1810.
AND WE HAD A DELIGHTFUL DINNER,

IT WAS BUILT ABOUT 1810.
AND WE HAD A DELIGHTFUL DINNER,
WONDERFUL DINNER WITH WINE.

AND WE HAD A DELIGHTFUL DINNER,
WONDERFUL DINNER WITH WINE.
THEN WE WENT UP TO OUR ROOM, AND

WONDERFUL DINNER WITH WINE.
THEN WE WENT UP TO OUR ROOM, AND
IT WAS BEAUTIFULLY APPOINTED

THEN WE WENT UP TO OUR ROOM, AND
IT WAS BEAUTIFULLY APPOINTED
WITH ANTIQUES, AND THERE WAS A

IT WAS BEAUTIFULLY APPOINTED
WITH ANTIQUES, AND THERE WAS A
HUGE FOUR-POSTER BED WITH

WITH ANTIQUES, AND THERE WAS A
HUGE FOUR-POSTER BED WITH
WILDFLOWERS ON THE BED TABLE, A

HUGE FOUR-POSTER BED WITH
WILDFLOWERS ON THE BED TABLE, A
BLAZING FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE,

WILDFLOWERS ON THE BED TABLE, A
BLAZING FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE,
AND WE SAT IN FRONT OF THE FIRE

BLAZING FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE,
AND WE SAT IN FRONT OF THE FIRE
AND HAD HOT TODDIES AND THEN A

AND WE SAT IN FRONT OF THE FIRE
AND HAD HOT TODDIES AND THEN A
GLORIOUS NIGHT OF PASSION.

AND HAD HOT TODDIES AND THEN A
GLORIOUS NIGHT OF PASSION.
WAS THERE A BATHROOM IN THE

GLORIOUS NIGHT OF PASSION.
WAS THERE A BATHROOM IN THE
ROOM?

WAS THERE A BATHROOM IN THE
ROOM?
NO, IT WAS DOWN THE HALL.

ROOM?
NO, IT WAS DOWN THE HALL.
OH, SO YOU HAD TO WALK DOWN

NO, IT WAS DOWN THE HALL.
OH, SO YOU HAD TO WALK DOWN
THE HALL TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, SO YOU HAD TO WALK DOWN
THE HALL TO THE BATHROOM.
NO, HE CARRIED ME.

THE HALL TO THE BATHROOM.
NO, HE CARRIED ME.
YOU SEE, HE HAD TO CARRY HER

NO, HE CARRIED ME.
YOU SEE, HE HAD TO CARRY HER
DOWN THE HALL TO THE BATHROOM.

YOU SEE, HE HAD TO CARRY HER
DOWN THE HALL TO THE BATHROOM.
THAT'S WHAT MARRIED LIFE IS,

DOWN THE HALL TO THE BATHROOM.
THAT'S WHAT MARRIED LIFE IS,
BEING CARRIED DOWN THE HALL TO

THAT'S WHAT MARRIED LIFE IS,
BEING CARRIED DOWN THE HALL TO
THE BATHROOM INSTEAD OF WALKING

BEING CARRIED DOWN THE HALL TO
THE BATHROOM INSTEAD OF WALKING
ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET.

THE BATHROOM INSTEAD OF WALKING
ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME

ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN."

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG

WE HAVE ON "WOMAN TO WOMAN."
I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER

I'M CONNIE CARSON, A YOUNG
CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT

CAREER WOMAN WHO'S MADE A CAREER
OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.

OUT OF TALKING TO WOMEN ABOUT
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WHEN I'LL BE

WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WHEN I'LL BE
TALKING TO GLORIA STEINEM ABOUT

JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WHEN I'LL BE
TALKING TO GLORIA STEINEM ABOUT
GLASSES FRAMES AND HOW TO CHOOSE

TALKING TO GLORIA STEINEM ABOUT
GLASSES FRAMES AND HOW TO CHOOSE
THEM.

GLASSES FRAMES AND HOW TO CHOOSE
THEM.
♪ I AM STRONG ♪

THEM.
♪ I AM STRONG ♪
♪ STRONG ♪

♪ I AM STRONG ♪
♪ STRONG ♪
♪ I AM INVINCIBLE ♪

♪ STRONG ♪
♪ I AM INVINCIBLE ♪
♪ INVINCIBLE ♪

♪ I AM INVINCIBLE ♪
♪ INVINCIBLE ♪
♪ I AM WOMAN ♪

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR THE
"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.

GENTLEMEN.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND TONIGHT, WE'D LIKE TO STICK

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND TONIGHT, WE'D LIKE TO STICK
OUR NECKS OUT A LITTLE BIT ON

AND TONIGHT, WE'D LIKE TO STICK
OUR NECKS OUT A LITTLE BIT ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION AND CALL FOR

OUR NECKS OUT A LITTLE BIT ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION AND CALL FOR
A VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF THE

NATIONAL TELEVISION AND CALL FOR
A VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF THE
UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

A VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF THE
UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
YOU SEE, BESIDES BEING A

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
YOU SEE, BESIDES BEING A
PROFESSIONAL COMEDY TEAM, TOM

YOU SEE, BESIDES BEING A
PROFESSIONAL COMEDY TEAM, TOM
AND I ARE INTERNATIONAL

PROFESSIONAL COMEDY TEAM, TOM
AND I ARE INTERNATIONAL
COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONARIES, AND

AND I ARE INTERNATIONAL
COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONARIES, AND
WE BELIEVE THAT NOTHING CAN

COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONARIES, AND
WE BELIEVE THAT NOTHING CAN
REALLY BE CHANGED IN THIS

WE BELIEVE THAT NOTHING CAN
REALLY BE CHANGED IN THIS
COUNTRY THROUGH THE DEMOCRATIC

REALLY BE CHANGED IN THIS
COUNTRY THROUGH THE DEMOCRATIC
PROCESS.

COUNTRY THROUGH THE DEMOCRATIC
PROCESS.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

PROCESS.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
OH, THANK YOU.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
OH, THANK YOU.
WE'RE GLAD A LOT OF YOU FEEL

OH, THANK YOU.
WE'RE GLAD A LOT OF YOU FEEL
THAT WAY.

WE'RE GLAD A LOT OF YOU FEEL
THAT WAY.
RIGHT YOU ARE, AL.

THAT WAY.
RIGHT YOU ARE, AL.
AND YOU SEE, IN A CAPITALIST

RIGHT YOU ARE, AL.
AND YOU SEE, IN A CAPITALIST
SOCIETY, ANYBODY WHO IS RUNNING

AND YOU SEE, IN A CAPITALIST
SOCIETY, ANYBODY WHO IS RUNNING
FOR PUBLIC OFFICE IS

SOCIETY, ANYBODY WHO IS RUNNING
FOR PUBLIC OFFICE IS
AUTOMATICALLY CORRUPTED BY...

FOR PUBLIC OFFICE IS
AUTOMATICALLY CORRUPTED BY...
WELL, INSTEAD OF TELLING, WHY

AUTOMATICALLY CORRUPTED BY...
WELL, INSTEAD OF TELLING, WHY
DON'T WE SHOW YOU?

Announcer: THE FOLLOWING IS A

PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY

THE TAGLIANI FOR CONGRESS

COMMITTEE.

HI. I'M PETE TAGLIANI.
I WANT YOU TO HELP ME UNSEAT
WINFIELD ADCOCK IN THE UPCOMING

I WANT YOU TO HELP ME UNSEAT
WINFIELD ADCOCK IN THE UPCOMING
FIFTH CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION SO

WINFIELD ADCOCK IN THE UPCOMING
FIFTH CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION SO
I CAN GO TO WASHINGTON AND SLASH

FIFTH CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION SO
I CAN GO TO WASHINGTON AND SLASH
TAXES.

I CAN GO TO WASHINGTON AND SLASH
TAXES.
AND HOW AM I GONNA SLASH TAXES?

TAXES.
AND HOW AM I GONNA SLASH TAXES?
BY MAKING THE FAT CATS PAY THEIR

AND HOW AM I GONNA SLASH TAXES?
BY MAKING THE FAT CATS PAY THEIR
FAIR SHARE.

BY MAKING THE FAT CATS PAY THEIR
FAIR SHARE.
NOW, I HAVE HERE

FAIR SHARE.
NOW, I HAVE HERE
WINFIELD ADCOCK'S 1968 TAX

NOW, I HAVE HERE
WINFIELD ADCOCK'S 1968 TAX
RETURN... A YEAR IN WHICH HE

WINFIELD ADCOCK'S 1968 TAX
RETURN... A YEAR IN WHICH HE
EARNED OVER $400,000 AND PAID...

RETURN... A YEAR IN WHICH HE
EARNED OVER $400,000 AND PAID...
26 CENTS IN INCOME TAXES.

EARNED OVER $400,000 AND PAID...
26 CENTS IN INCOME TAXES.
NOW, THIS FAT CAT IS RIPPING YOU

26 CENTS IN INCOME TAXES.
NOW, THIS FAT CAT IS RIPPING YOU
OFF, AND I SAY IT'S TIME WE SENT

NOW, THIS FAT CAT IS RIPPING YOU
OFF, AND I SAY IT'S TIME WE SENT
A MAN TO WASHINGTON WHO'S GONNA

OFF, AND I SAY IT'S TIME WE SENT
A MAN TO WASHINGTON WHO'S GONNA
WORK FOR THE HARDWORKING

A MAN TO WASHINGTON WHO'S GONNA
WORK FOR THE HARDWORKING
TAXPAYER OF OUR DISTRICT.

WORK FOR THE HARDWORKING
TAXPAYER OF OUR DISTRICT.
AND I SAY I'M THAT MAN.

TAXPAYER OF OUR DISTRICT.
AND I SAY I'M THAT MAN.
SO VOTE FOR ME... PETE TAGLIANI.

AND I SAY I'M THAT MAN.
SO VOTE FOR ME... PETE TAGLIANI.
YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

Announcer: THE FOLLOWING IS A

PAID POLITICAL MESSAGE BY THE

WE NEED ADCOCK COMMITTEE.

HELLO, I'M CONGRESSMAN
WINFIELD ADCOCK, YOUR
REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE

WINFIELD ADCOCK, YOUR
REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE
FIFTH DISTRICT.

REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE
FIFTH DISTRICT.
AND THIS YEAR, I'M RUNNING FOR

FIFTH DISTRICT.
AND THIS YEAR, I'M RUNNING FOR
REELECTION.

AND THIS YEAR, I'M RUNNING FOR
REELECTION.
ALREADY, MY OPPONENT

REELECTION.
ALREADY, MY OPPONENT
PETE TAGLIANI HAS STOOPED TO THE

ALREADY, MY OPPONENT
PETE TAGLIANI HAS STOOPED TO THE
LOWEST LEVEL OF MUDSLINGING BY

PETE TAGLIANI HAS STOOPED TO THE
LOWEST LEVEL OF MUDSLINGING BY
ACCUSING ME OF FINANCIAL

LOWEST LEVEL OF MUDSLINGING BY
ACCUSING ME OF FINANCIAL
MISCONDUCT.

ACCUSING ME OF FINANCIAL
MISCONDUCT.
WELL, I HAVE HERE DOCUMENTED

MISCONDUCT.
WELL, I HAVE HERE DOCUMENTED
EVIDENCE PROVING MY INNOCENCE.

WELL, I HAVE HERE DOCUMENTED
EVIDENCE PROVING MY INNOCENCE.
IT IS INDEED SURPRISING TO HEAR

EVIDENCE PROVING MY INNOCENCE.
IT IS INDEED SURPRISING TO HEAR
CHARGES... SCURRILOUS CHARGES

IT IS INDEED SURPRISING TO HEAR
CHARGES... SCURRILOUS CHARGES
SUCH AS THESE... COMING FROM A

CHARGES... SCURRILOUS CHARGES
SUCH AS THESE... COMING FROM A
MAN WHO'S, HIMSELF, OF SUCH LOW

SUCH AS THESE... COMING FROM A
MAN WHO'S, HIMSELF, OF SUCH LOW
MORAL CHARACTER.

MAN WHO'S, HIMSELF, OF SUCH LOW
MORAL CHARACTER.
MR. TAGLIANI CONTROLS ALL THE

MORAL CHARACTER.
MR. TAGLIANI CONTROLS ALL THE
CITY'S MASSAGE PARLORS AND PORNO

MR. TAGLIANI CONTROLS ALL THE
CITY'S MASSAGE PARLORS AND PORNO
HOUSES... A POSITION HE'S GAINED

CITY'S MASSAGE PARLORS AND PORNO
HOUSES... A POSITION HE'S GAINED
THROUGH HIS LIFELONG CONNECTIONS

HOUSES... A POSITION HE'S GAINED
THROUGH HIS LIFELONG CONNECTIONS
WITH THE MOB AND THE RECORDING

THROUGH HIS LIFELONG CONNECTIONS
WITH THE MOB AND THE RECORDING
INDUSTRY.

WITH THE MOB AND THE RECORDING
INDUSTRY.
I SAY VOTE FOR ME,

INDUSTRY.
I SAY VOTE FOR ME,
WINFIELD ADCOCK.

I SAY VOTE FOR ME,
WINFIELD ADCOCK.
I HATE HIGH TAXES.

HI. I'M PETE TAGLIANI.

MY FAT-CAT OPPONENT,
WINFIELD ADCOCK, HAS ACCUSED ME
OF HAVING TIES WITH ORGANIZED

WINFIELD ADCOCK, HAS ACCUSED ME
OF HAVING TIES WITH ORGANIZED
CRIME AND THE RECORDING

OF HAVING TIES WITH ORGANIZED
CRIME AND THE RECORDING
INDUSTRY.

CRIME AND THE RECORDING
INDUSTRY.
YOU KNOW, CHARGES OF IMMORALITY

INDUSTRY.
YOU KNOW, CHARGES OF IMMORALITY
SEEM STRANGE COMING FROM A MAN

YOU KNOW, CHARGES OF IMMORALITY
SEEM STRANGE COMING FROM A MAN
WHO IS, HIMSELF, AN ADULTERER.

SEEM STRANGE COMING FROM A MAN
WHO IS, HIMSELF, AN ADULTERER.
AND I HAVE HERE PICTURES OF MY

WHO IS, HIMSELF, AN ADULTERER.
AND I HAVE HERE PICTURES OF MY
OPPONENT ENGAGING IN SEXUAL

AND I HAVE HERE PICTURES OF MY
OPPONENT ENGAGING IN SEXUAL
RELATIONS WITH MY SISTER-IN-LAW.

OPPONENT ENGAGING IN SEXUAL
RELATIONS WITH MY SISTER-IN-LAW.
WITH MY SISTER-IN-LAW,

RELATIONS WITH MY SISTER-IN-LAW.
WITH MY SISTER-IN-LAW,
ANGELINA TAGLIANI, WHO IS, BY

WITH MY SISTER-IN-LAW,
ANGELINA TAGLIANI, WHO IS, BY
THE WAY, HAPPILY MARRIED TO MY

ANGELINA TAGLIANI, WHO IS, BY
THE WAY, HAPPILY MARRIED TO MY
BROTHER, MARIO TAGLIANI.

THE WAY, HAPPILY MARRIED TO MY
BROTHER, MARIO TAGLIANI.
NOW, DO WE WANT THIS SCOUNDREL

BROTHER, MARIO TAGLIANI.
NOW, DO WE WANT THIS SCOUNDREL
EMBARRASSING US, PERHAPS RUNNING

NOW, DO WE WANT THIS SCOUNDREL
EMBARRASSING US, PERHAPS RUNNING
AROUND NUDE IN THE HOUSE OF

EMBARRASSING US, PERHAPS RUNNING
AROUND NUDE IN THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES?

AROUND NUDE IN THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES?
I DON'T THINK SO.

REPRESENTATIVES?
I DON'T THINK SO.
SO VOTE FOR ME... PETE TAGLIANI.

I DON'T THINK SO.
SO VOTE FOR ME... PETE TAGLIANI.
YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

HELLO, I'M CONGRESSMAN

WINFIELD ADCOCK.

MY OPPONENT, PETE TAGLIANI, HAS

FURTHER LOWERED HIMSELF TO THE

GUTTER BY INTIMATING THAT I AM

GUILTY OF MARITAL INFIDELITY.

I AM PREPARED TO SUBMIT MYSELF
TO A LIE-DETECTOR EXAMINATION TO
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS CONCERNING

TO A LIE-DETECTOR EXAMINATION TO
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS CONCERNING
MY PUBLIC OR PRIVATE LIFE.

ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS CONCERNING
MY PUBLIC OR PRIVATE LIFE.
DESPERATE, SLANDEROUS SWIPES

MY PUBLIC OR PRIVATE LIFE.
DESPERATE, SLANDEROUS SWIPES
SUCH AS THESE CAN BE EXPECTED,

DESPERATE, SLANDEROUS SWIPES
SUCH AS THESE CAN BE EXPECTED,
PERHAPS, FROM A MAN WHO IS

SUCH AS THESE CAN BE EXPECTED,
PERHAPS, FROM A MAN WHO IS
HOSTILE TOWARDS WOMEN.

PERHAPS, FROM A MAN WHO IS
HOSTILE TOWARDS WOMEN.
I HAVE HERE A PHOTOGRAPH OF MY

HOSTILE TOWARDS WOMEN.
I HAVE HERE A PHOTOGRAPH OF MY
OPPONENT IN THE WASHROOM OF A

I HAVE HERE A PHOTOGRAPH OF MY
OPPONENT IN THE WASHROOM OF A
LOCAL RESTAURANT MAKING AN

OPPONENT IN THE WASHROOM OF A
LOCAL RESTAURANT MAKING AN
ADVANCE ON MY NEPHEW.

LOCAL RESTAURANT MAKING AN
ADVANCE ON MY NEPHEW.
THE HOMOSEXUAL IS A PERFECT

ADVANCE ON MY NEPHEW.
THE HOMOSEXUAL IS A PERFECT
TARGET FOR COMMUNIST BLACKMAIL

THE HOMOSEXUAL IS A PERFECT
TARGET FOR COMMUNIST BLACKMAIL
THREATS, AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR

TARGET FOR COMMUNIST BLACKMAIL
THREATS, AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR
THEM IN CONGRESS.

THREATS, AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR
THEM IN CONGRESS.
I SAY VOTE FOR ME...

THEM IN CONGRESS.
I SAY VOTE FOR ME...
WINFIELD ADCOCK, AN HONEST MAN.

HI. I'M PETE TAGLIANI.

I HAVE HERE THE RESULTS OF A
LIE-DETECTOR TEST THAT MY
OPPONENT SUBMITTED TO LAST

LIE-DETECTOR TEST THAT MY
OPPONENT SUBMITTED TO LAST
TUESDAY.

OPPONENT SUBMITTED TO LAST
TUESDAY.
ACCORDING TO THESE RESULTS, HE

TUESDAY.
ACCORDING TO THESE RESULTS, HE
LIED ON EVERY ONE OF THE 32

ACCORDING TO THESE RESULTS, HE
LIED ON EVERY ONE OF THE 32
QUESTIONS.

LIED ON EVERY ONE OF THE 32
QUESTIONS.
WHY, HIS NAME ISN'T EVEN ADCOCK.

QUESTIONS.
WHY, HIS NAME ISN'T EVEN ADCOCK.
NOT ONLY IS THIS MAN A LIAR,

WHY, HIS NAME ISN'T EVEN ADCOCK.
NOT ONLY IS THIS MAN A LIAR,
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, MR. ADCOCK

NOT ONLY IS THIS MAN A LIAR,
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, MR. ADCOCK
IS INFLICTED WITH THE DREADED

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, MR. ADCOCK
IS INFLICTED WITH THE DREADED
DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM.

IS INFLICTED WITH THE DREADED
DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM.
FORTUNATELY, I HAVE HERE A

DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM.
FORTUNATELY, I HAVE HERE A
PICTURE OF ADCOCK COMING OUT OF

FORTUNATELY, I HAVE HERE A
PICTURE OF ADCOCK COMING OUT OF
A SLEAZY BAR.

PICTURE OF ADCOCK COMING OUT OF
A SLEAZY BAR.
NOW, DO WE WANT THIS MAN

A SLEAZY BAR.
NOW, DO WE WANT THIS MAN
STUMBLING AROUND THE HALLS OF

NOW, DO WE WANT THIS MAN
STUMBLING AROUND THE HALLS OF
CONGRESS, PERHAPS VOMITING IN

STUMBLING AROUND THE HALLS OF
CONGRESS, PERHAPS VOMITING IN
THE HOUSE CHAMBER?

CONGRESS, PERHAPS VOMITING IN
THE HOUSE CHAMBER?
I KNOW I DON'T.

THE HOUSE CHAMBER?
I KNOW I DON'T.
SO VOTE FOR ME... PETE TAGLIANI.

I KNOW I DON'T.
SO VOTE FOR ME... PETE TAGLIANI.
YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

[Slurring] HELLO. I'M

WINFIELD ADCOCK.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, THE
RESULTS OF A LIE-DETECTOR TEST
CREATED A LOT OF HEADLINES

RESULTS OF A LIE-DETECTOR TEST
CREATED A LOT OF HEADLINES
ACROSS THE CITY, AND NO ONE IN

CREATED A LOT OF HEADLINES
ACROSS THE CITY, AND NO ONE IN
CONGRESS IS INSANE.

ACROSS THE CITY, AND NO ONE IN
CONGRESS IS INSANE.
I GOT MY PROBLEMS LIKE EVERYBODY

CONGRESS IS INSANE.
I GOT MY PROBLEMS LIKE EVERYBODY
ELSE.

I GOT MY PROBLEMS LIKE EVERYBODY
ELSE.
BUT THAT WON'T KEEP ME FROM

ELSE.
BUT THAT WON'T KEEP ME FROM
BEING THE BEST DAMN CONGRESSMAN

BUT THAT WON'T KEEP ME FROM
BEING THE BEST DAMN CONGRESSMAN
THIS STATE HAS EVER SEEN.

BEING THE BEST DAMN CONGRESSMAN
THIS STATE HAS EVER SEEN.
NOW, I HAVE HERE SOLID EVIDENCE

THIS STATE HAS EVER SEEN.
NOW, I HAVE HERE SOLID EVIDENCE
THAT MY OPPONENT, PETE TAGLIANI,

NOW, I HAVE HERE SOLID EVIDENCE
THAT MY OPPONENT, PETE TAGLIANI,
IN 1969, WAS INVOLVED IN A

THAT MY OPPONENT, PETE TAGLIANI,
IN 1969, WAS INVOLVED IN A
SERIES OF GANGLAND SLAYINGS.

IN 1969, WAS INVOLVED IN A
SERIES OF GANGLAND SLAYINGS.
I'VE REQUESTED THAT THIS...

SERIES OF GANGLAND SLAYINGS.
I'VE REQUESTED THAT THIS...
THIS... I'M SORRY.

I'VE REQUESTED THAT THIS...
THIS... I'M SORRY.
WE ARE BRINGING CRIMINAL

THIS... I'M SORRY.
WE ARE BRINGING CRIMINAL
CHARGES AGAINST THIS MAN TO GET

WE ARE BRINGING CRIMINAL
CHARGES AGAINST THIS MAN TO GET
THIS MURDERER OFF OUR STREETS.

I SAY LET THE RECORD SPEAK

FOR ITS...

TAGLIANI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

[GUNSHOT]

Announcer: "THE FRANKEN AND
DAVIS SHOW" WAS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST

DAVIS SHOW" WAS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST
PARTY.

BY THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST
PARTY.
THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST

PARTY.
THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST
PARTY... WE'RE WORKING FOR YOU

THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST
PARTY... WE'RE WORKING FOR YOU
IN AFRICA.

PARTY... WE'RE WORKING FOR YOU
IN AFRICA.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

IN AFRICA.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD NIGHT.

[UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[TEMPO SLOWS]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN
LANGUAGE]

[SINGING IN FOREIGN
LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]

[LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]
[HORNS BLARE]

[HORNS BLARE]
[HORNS BLARE]
[GRUNTING]

[HORNS BLARE]
[GRUNTING]
[HORNS TRILL]

[GRUNTING]
[HORNS TRILL]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[HORNS TRILL]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]

[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]
♪ AAH! ♪

[HORNS BLARE]
♪ AAH! ♪
[HORNS BLARE]

♪ AAH! ♪
[HORNS BLARE]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[HORNS BLARE]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]

[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]
♪ AAH! ♪

[HORNS BLARE]
♪ AAH! ♪
[HORNS BLARE]

♪ AAH! ♪
[HORNS BLARE]
♪ AAH! ♪

[HORNS BLARE]
♪ AAH! ♪
[HORNS BLARE]

♪ AAH! ♪
[HORNS BLARE]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[HORNS BLARE]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]

[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[HORNS BLARE]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]

[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[HORNS BLARE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[HORNS BLARE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: HEY, KIDS.
IT'S "THE MR. BILL SHOW"!
HELLO, KIDDIES!

IT'S "THE MR. BILL SHOW"!
HELLO, KIDDIES!
OH, BOY, ARE WE GONNA HAVE FUN

HELLO, KIDDIES!
OH, BOY, ARE WE GONNA HAVE FUN
TODAY, 'CAUSE ME AND SPOT ARE

OH, BOY, ARE WE GONNA HAVE FUN
TODAY, 'CAUSE ME AND SPOT ARE
MOVING INTO OUR NEW PENTHOUSE

TODAY, 'CAUSE ME AND SPOT ARE
MOVING INTO OUR NEW PENTHOUSE
APARTMENT.

MOVING INTO OUR NEW PENTHOUSE
APARTMENT.
YAY!

APARTMENT.
YAY!
AND HERE'S OUR MOVING MAN,

YAY!
AND HERE'S OUR MOVING MAN,
MR. HANDS.

AND HERE'S OUR MOVING MAN,
MR. HANDS.
YAY!

MR. HANDS.
YAY!
SAY, MR. BILL, WHAT DO YOU

YAY!
SAY, MR. BILL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THE OUTSIDE?

SAY, MR. BILL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THE OUTSIDE?
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BUILDING.

THINK OF THE OUTSIDE?
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BUILDING.
ARE YOU SURE WE CAN AFFORD IT,

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BUILDING.
ARE YOU SURE WE CAN AFFORD IT,
HUH?

ARE YOU SURE WE CAN AFFORD IT,
HUH?
OH, SURE.

HUH?
OH, SURE.
OH, AND WHAT A LUXURIOUS

OH, SURE.
OH, AND WHAT A LUXURIOUS
INTERIOR.

OH, AND WHAT A LUXURIOUS
INTERIOR.
NICE SHAG, TOO.

INTERIOR.
NICE SHAG, TOO.
WELL, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME,

NICE SHAG, TOO.
WELL, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME,
AND PROP YOUR FEET UP.

WELL, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME,
AND PROP YOUR FEET UP.
YOU KNOW I CAN'T SIT.

AND PROP YOUR FEET UP.
YOU KNOW I CAN'T SIT.
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O!

YOU KNOW I CAN'T SIT.
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O!
SAY, MR. BILL, YOU'D BETTER

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O!
SAY, MR. BILL, YOU'D BETTER
CLEAN UP BEFORE THE INTERIOR

SAY, MR. BILL, YOU'D BETTER
CLEAN UP BEFORE THE INTERIOR
DECORATOR GETS HERE.

CLEAN UP BEFORE THE INTERIOR
DECORATOR GETS HERE.
I'LL VACUUM.

DECORATOR GETS HERE.
I'LL VACUUM.
OH, BUT IT LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.

I'LL VACUUM.
OH, BUT IT LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.
NO!

OH, BUT IT LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.
NO!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

NO!
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, JUST IN TIME, 'CAUSE HERE

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, JUST IN TIME, 'CAUSE HERE
COMES THE INTERIOR DECORATOR.

OH, JUST IN TIME, 'CAUSE HERE
COMES THE INTERIOR DECORATOR.
OH, YAY! YAY!

COMES THE INTERIOR DECORATOR.
OH, YAY! YAY!
OH, NO!

OH, YAY! YAY!
OH, NO!
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME!

OH, NO!
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME!
NO.

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME!
NO.
IT'S INTERIOR DECORATOR SLUGGO,

NO.
IT'S INTERIOR DECORATOR SLUGGO,
AND HE SAYS YOU JUST MUST HAVE A

IT'S INTERIOR DECORATOR SLUGGO,
AND HE SAYS YOU JUST MUST HAVE A
NICE DOG-SKIN RUG.

AND HE SAYS YOU JUST MUST HAVE A
NICE DOG-SKIN RUG.
OH, NO, BUT I DON'T WANT A

NICE DOG-SKIN RUG.
OH, NO, BUT I DON'T WANT A
DOG-SKIN...

OH, NO, BUT I DON'T WANT A
DOG-SKIN...
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

DOG-SKIN...
OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, WHY?! WHY?!

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, WHY?! WHY?!
NOW FOR SOME NEW FURNITURE.

OH, WHY?! WHY?!
NOW FOR SOME NEW FURNITURE.
AND SLUGGO SAYS THIS TABLE WILL

NOW FOR SOME NEW FURNITURE.
AND SLUGGO SAYS THIS TABLE WILL
FIT PERFECTLY.

AND SLUGGO SAYS THIS TABLE WILL
FIT PERFECTLY.
OH, MR. HANDS, BUT IT ONLY

FIT PERFECTLY.
OH, MR. HANDS, BUT IT ONLY
HAS THREE LEGS.

OH, MR. HANDS, BUT IT ONLY
HAS THREE LEGS.
OH, WELL, THEN, IT'S TIME FOR

HAS THREE LEGS.
OH, WELL, THEN, IT'S TIME FOR
HOME REPAIRS.

OH, WELL, THEN, IT'S TIME FOR
HOME REPAIRS.
DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIX IT.

HOME REPAIRS.
DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIX IT.
NO, WAIT. MY LEG!

DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIX IT.
NO, WAIT. MY LEG!
N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

NO, WAIT. MY LEG!
N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, WHY?! WHY?!

N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
OH, WHY?! WHY?!
THERE.

OH, WHY?! WHY?!
THERE.
HARDLY EVEN WOBBLES.

THERE.
HARDLY EVEN WOBBLES.
NOW WE HAVE TO COORDINATE THE

HARDLY EVEN WOBBLES.
NOW WE HAVE TO COORDINATE THE
COLORS, 'CAUSE SLUGGO SAYS THIS

NOW WE HAVE TO COORDINATE THE
COLORS, 'CAUSE SLUGGO SAYS THIS
SHADE WILL NEVER DO.

COLORS, 'CAUSE SLUGGO SAYS THIS
SHADE WILL NEVER DO.
WE'LL HAVE TO REPAINT IT.

SHADE WILL NEVER DO.
WE'LL HAVE TO REPAINT IT.
I DON'T LIKE FUCHSIA.

WE'LL HAVE TO REPAINT IT.
I DON'T LIKE FUCHSIA.
BUT IT CREATES SUCH A STYLISH

I DON'T LIKE FUCHSIA.
BUT IT CREATES SUCH A STYLISH
EFFECT.

BUT IT CREATES SUCH A STYLISH
EFFECT.
OH, NO!

EFFECT.
OH, NO!
I DON'T LIKE IT!

OH, NO!
I DON'T LIKE IT!
I DON'T LIKE IT!

I DON'T LIKE IT!
I DON'T LIKE IT!
OH, MR. BILL.

I DON'T LIKE IT!
OH, MR. BILL.
WE GOT SOME PAINT ON YOU.

OH, MR. BILL.
WE GOT SOME PAINT ON YOU.
WE'LL HAVE TO WASH YOUR CLOTHES.

WE GOT SOME PAINT ON YOU.
WE'LL HAVE TO WASH YOUR CLOTHES.
OH, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T WASH

WE'LL HAVE TO WASH YOUR CLOTHES.
OH, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T WASH
MY CLOTHES, MR. HA-A-A-NDS!

OH, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T WASH
MY CLOTHES, MR. HA-A-A-NDS!
SURE, WE'LL WASH THE STAINS

MY CLOTHES, MR. HA-A-A-NDS!
SURE, WE'LL WASH THE STAINS
AWAY.

SURE, WE'LL WASH THE STAINS
AWAY.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS,

AWAY.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS,
MR. BILL SAYS...

SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS,
MR. BILL SAYS...
[GURGLING]

MR. BILL SAYS...
[GURGLING]
SO LONG!

[GURGLING]
SO LONG!
BYE-BYE.

SO LONG!
BYE-BYE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, WE'VE COME TO THE END
OF OUR SHOW TONIGHT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AND, ACTUALLY...

OF OUR SHOW TONIGHT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AND, ACTUALLY...
OH, IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU

GENTLEMEN, AND, ACTUALLY...
OH, IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.

OH, IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FRIENDS OF

AGAIN.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FRIENDS OF
CHEVY CHASE INCORPORATED.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FRIENDS OF
CHEVY CHASE INCORPORATED.
WE JUST HAD TO COME, MAN, AND

CHEVY CHASE INCORPORATED.
WE JUST HAD TO COME, MAN, AND
SEE YOU!

WE JUST HAD TO COME, MAN, AND
SEE YOU!
CAN WE CRASH WITH YOU?

SEE YOU!
CAN WE CRASH WITH YOU?
CRASH UP HERE.

CAN WE CRASH WITH YOU?
CRASH UP HERE.
I USED TO SLEEP HERE.

CRASH UP HERE.
I USED TO SLEEP HERE.
EVERYBODY ELSE.

I USED TO SLEEP HERE.
EVERYBODY ELSE.
GOOD NIGHT, FRANK.

EVERYBODY ELSE.
GOOD NIGHT, FRANK.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, FRANK.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD NIGHT.
AND YOU, GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
AND YOU, GOOD NIGHT.
AND...

AND YOU, GOOD NIGHT.
AND...
AW, COME ON.

AND...
AW, COME ON.
GOOD NIGHT.

Announcer: JOIN US

NOVEMBER 4th, WHEN STEVE MARTIN

RETURNS TO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"

WITH SPECIAL GUEST VAN MORRISON.

THIS IS YOUR OLD ANNOUNCER

DON PARDO SAYING GOOD NIGHT.