Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Kate Jackson/Delbert McClinton - full transcript

FRENCHIE, PUT THAT DRINK DOWN
IN THE OTHER ROOM.
I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL

IN THE OTHER ROOM.
I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL
TO MAKE HERE.

I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL
TO MAKE HERE.
HELLO, ANGELS!

TO MAKE HERE.
HELLO, ANGELS!
All: HI, CHARLIE!

HELLO, ANGELS!
All: HI, CHARLIE!
YOU ALL REMEMBER

All: HI, CHARLIE!
YOU ALL REMEMBER
FREDDY SILVERMAN?

YOU ALL REMEMBER
FREDDY SILVERMAN?
SURE, THE ANGELS AND I ARE

FREDDY SILVERMAN?
SURE, THE ANGELS AND I ARE
OLD FRIENDS.

SURE, THE ANGELS AND I ARE
OLD FRIENDS.
SORRY YOU'RE DOING SO BADLY

OLD FRIENDS.
SORRY YOU'RE DOING SO BADLY
OVER AT NBC, FREDDY.

SORRY YOU'RE DOING SO BADLY
OVER AT NBC, FREDDY.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TAKING ALL



OVER AT NBC, FREDDY.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TAKING ALL
THE BLAME.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TAKING ALL
THE BLAME.
WELL, PERHAPS FREDDY DESERVES

THE BLAME.
WELL, PERHAPS FREDDY DESERVES
THE BLAME, OR SHOULD I SAY,

WELL, PERHAPS FREDDY DESERVES
THE BLAME, OR SHOULD I SAY,
CREDIT.

THE BLAME, OR SHOULD I SAY,
CREDIT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

CREDIT.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
CHARLIE?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
CHARLIE?
WELL, JACLYN, WHY DON'T WE

CHARLIE?
WELL, JACLYN, WHY DON'T WE
LET FREDDY EXPLAIN?

WELL, JACLYN, WHY DON'T WE
LET FREDDY EXPLAIN?
YOU SEE, I'M NOT REALLY

LET FREDDY EXPLAIN?
YOU SEE, I'M NOT REALLY
WORKING FOR NBC.

YOU SEE, I'M NOT REALLY
WORKING FOR NBC.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

WORKING FOR NBC.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE
NETWORK.

YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE
NETWORK.
RIGHT, KATE.



NETWORK.
RIGHT, KATE.
BUT I NEVER STOPPED WORKING FOR

RIGHT, KATE.
BUT I NEVER STOPPED WORKING FOR
ABC.

BUT I NEVER STOPPED WORKING FOR
ABC.
[LAUGHTER]

ABC.
[LAUGHTER]
FACT IS...

[LAUGHTER]
FACT IS...
I'M ABC'S HEAD OF COVERT

FACT IS...
I'M ABC'S HEAD OF COVERT
OPERATIONS.

I'M ABC'S HEAD OF COVERT
OPERATIONS.
YOU SEE, GIRLS, FREDDY IS A

OPERATIONS.
YOU SEE, GIRLS, FREDDY IS A
DOUBLE AGENT.

YOU SEE, GIRLS, FREDDY IS A
DOUBLE AGENT.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, FREDDY

DOUBLE AGENT.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, FREDDY
IS PURPOSELY SABOTAGING NBC'S

SO, IN OTHER WORDS, FREDDY
IS PURPOSELY SABOTAGING NBC'S
SCHEDULE TO HELP ABC.

IS PURPOSELY SABOTAGING NBC'S
SCHEDULE TO HELP ABC.
EXACTLY, KATE.

SCHEDULE TO HELP ABC.
EXACTLY, KATE.
SO THAT EXPLAINS

EXACTLY, KATE.
SO THAT EXPLAINS
"HELLO, LARRY"!

SO THAT EXPLAINS
"HELLO, LARRY"!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HELLO, LARRY"!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT, CHERYL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT, CHERYL.
YOU SEE, THE PLAN IS FOR ME TO

THAT'S RIGHT, CHERYL.
YOU SEE, THE PLAN IS FOR ME TO
DESTROY NBC BY JUNE.

YOU SEE, THE PLAN IS FOR ME TO
DESTROY NBC BY JUNE.
AND TO DO THAT, FREDDY'S

DESTROY NBC BY JUNE.
AND TO DO THAT, FREDDY'S
GONNA NEED YOUR HELP, ANGELS.

AND TO DO THAT, FREDDY'S
GONNA NEED YOUR HELP, ANGELS.
WE'LL DO ANYTHING FOR FREDDY.

GONNA NEED YOUR HELP, ANGELS.
WE'LL DO ANYTHING FOR FREDDY.
YEAH, BUT HOW CAN WE DESTROY

WE'LL DO ANYTHING FOR FREDDY.
YEAH, BUT HOW CAN WE DESTROY
NBC'S RATINGS?

YEAH, BUT HOW CAN WE DESTROY
NBC'S RATINGS?
OKAY, GIRLS.

NBC'S RATINGS?
OKAY, GIRLS.
HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.

OKAY, GIRLS.
HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
CHERYL?

HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
CHERYL?
YOU'RE GOING ON NBC, AND YOU'RE

CHERYL?
YOU'RE GOING ON NBC, AND YOU'RE
GOING TO SING.

YOU'RE GOING ON NBC, AND YOU'RE
GOING TO SING.
[LAUGHTER]

GOING TO SING.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU WILL APPEAR ON "THE

[LAUGHTER]
YOU WILL APPEAR ON "THE
TONIGHT SHOW," "MIDNIGHT

YOU WILL APPEAR ON "THE
TONIGHT SHOW," "MIDNIGHT
SPECIAL," "TOMORROW" SHOW,

TONIGHT SHOW," "MIDNIGHT
SPECIAL," "TOMORROW" SHOW,
"ROCK CONCERT," "TODAY," SEGMENT

SPECIAL," "TOMORROW" SHOW,
"ROCK CONCERT," "TODAY," SEGMENT
THREE OF THE "NIGHTLY NEWS."

"ROCK CONCERT," "TODAY," SEGMENT
THREE OF THE "NIGHTLY NEWS."
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BOOKINGS.

THREE OF THE "NIGHTLY NEWS."
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BOOKINGS.
AHH, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BOOKINGS.
AHH, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
JUST GO OUT THERE AND SING YOUR

AHH, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
JUST GO OUT THERE AND SING YOUR
HEART OUT.

JUST GO OUT THERE AND SING YOUR
HEART OUT.
ALL RIGHT, FREDDY!

HEART OUT.
ALL RIGHT, FREDDY!
JACLYN?

ALL RIGHT, FREDDY!
JACLYN?
NEXT MONTH, YOU'LL BE APPEARING

JACLYN?
NEXT MONTH, YOU'LL BE APPEARING
ON A NETWORK "CHALLENGE OF THE

NEXT MONTH, YOU'LL BE APPEARING
ON A NETWORK "CHALLENGE OF THE
SEXES."

ON A NETWORK "CHALLENGE OF THE
SEXES."
BUT THIS ONE WILL BE A LITTLE

SEXES."
BUT THIS ONE WILL BE A LITTLE
BIT DIFFERENT.

BUT THIS ONE WILL BE A LITTLE
BIT DIFFERENT.
FREDDY?

BIT DIFFERENT.
FREDDY?
IN THE QUICK-DRAW

FREDDY?
IN THE QUICK-DRAW
COMPETITION, YOU'RE PAIRED

IN THE QUICK-DRAW
COMPETITION, YOU'RE PAIRED
AGAINST JOHNNY CARSON.

COMPETITION, YOU'RE PAIRED
AGAINST JOHNNY CARSON.
ONLY YOUR GUN IS LOADED WITH

AGAINST JOHNNY CARSON.
ONLY YOUR GUN IS LOADED WITH
REAL BULLETS.

ONLY YOUR GUN IS LOADED WITH
REAL BULLETS.
SO I ELIMINATE JOHNNY CARSON.

REAL BULLETS.
SO I ELIMINATE JOHNNY CARSON.
AND THAT FINISHES

SO I ELIMINATE JOHNNY CARSON.
AND THAT FINISHES
"THE TONIGHT SHOW."

AND THAT FINISHES
"THE TONIGHT SHOW."
BUT SUPPOSE NBC COMES UP WITH

"THE TONIGHT SHOW."
BUT SUPPOSE NBC COMES UP WITH
AN EVEN MORE POPULAR HOST?

BUT SUPPOSE NBC COMES UP WITH
AN EVEN MORE POPULAR HOST?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

AN EVEN MORE POPULAR HOST?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE'VE ALREADY PICKED JOHNNY'S

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE'VE ALREADY PICKED JOHNNY'S
NEW REPLACEMENT...

WE'VE ALREADY PICKED JOHNNY'S
NEW REPLACEMENT...
McLEAN STEVENSON.

NEW REPLACEMENT...
McLEAN STEVENSON.
OH!

McLEAN STEVENSON.
OH!
[LAUGHTER]

OH!
[LAUGHTER]
BRILLIANT.

[LAUGHTER]
BRILLIANT.
YEP.

BRILLIANT.
YEP.
UH, DAVID?

YEP.
UH, DAVID?
THERE'S ONE THING THAT YOU CAN

UH, DAVID?
THERE'S ONE THING THAT YOU CAN
DO.

THERE'S ONE THING THAT YOU CAN
DO.
YES?

DO.
YES?
WE THINK THAT TOM BOSLEY OF

YES?
WE THINK THAT TOM BOSLEY OF
"HAPPY DAYS" MAY TRY TO HOLD OUT

WE THINK THAT TOM BOSLEY OF
"HAPPY DAYS" MAY TRY TO HOLD OUT
FOR MORE MONEY.

"HAPPY DAYS" MAY TRY TO HOLD OUT
FOR MORE MONEY.
WE WANT YOU TO BE AVAILABLE FOR

FOR MORE MONEY.
WE WANT YOU TO BE AVAILABLE FOR
MINOR COSMETIC SURGERY IN CASE

WE WANT YOU TO BE AVAILABLE FOR
MINOR COSMETIC SURGERY IN CASE
WE NEED YOU TO FILL IN FOR HIM.

MINOR COSMETIC SURGERY IN CASE
WE NEED YOU TO FILL IN FOR HIM.
THAT'S IT?

WE NEED YOU TO FILL IN FOR HIM.
THAT'S IT?
OKAY, I'M GAME. SURE!

THAT'S IT?
OKAY, I'M GAME. SURE!
OKAY, SO LET'S SEE, CHERYL

OKAY, I'M GAME. SURE!
OKAY, SO LET'S SEE, CHERYL
SINGS, UH, JACLYN KILLS JOHNNY,

OKAY, SO LET'S SEE, CHERYL
SINGS, UH, JACLYN KILLS JOHNNY,
DAVID GOES UNDER THE KNIFE, BUT,

SINGS, UH, JACLYN KILLS JOHNNY,
DAVID GOES UNDER THE KNIFE, BUT,
UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,

DAVID GOES UNDER THE KNIFE, BUT,
UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,
CHARLIE?

UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,
CHARLIE?
KATE, WE HAVE A SPECIAL

CHARLIE?
KATE, WE HAVE A SPECIAL
ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.

KATE, WE HAVE A SPECIAL
ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH NBC'S

ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH NBC'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH NBC'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?
UH, I USED TO WATCH IT,

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?
UH, I USED TO WATCH IT,
BUT IT WENT DOWNHILL AFTER

UH, I USED TO WATCH IT,
BUT IT WENT DOWNHILL AFTER
CHEVY CHASE LEFT.

BUT IT WENT DOWNHILL AFTER
CHEVY CHASE LEFT.
OH, YEAH.

CHEVY CHASE LEFT.
OH, YEAH.
WELL, FREDDY WOULD LIKE

OH, YEAH.
WELL, FREDDY WOULD LIKE
YOU TO HOST.

WELL, FREDDY WOULD LIKE
YOU TO HOST.
YOU SEE, KATE, WE NEED TO GET

YOU TO HOST.
YOU SEE, KATE, WE NEED TO GET
ONE OF YOU PEOPLE INSIDE THAT

YOU SEE, KATE, WE NEED TO GET
ONE OF YOU PEOPLE INSIDE THAT
SHOW.

ONE OF YOU PEOPLE INSIDE THAT
SHOW.
WE PICKED YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE

SHOW.
WE PICKED YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE
THE SMART ONE.

WE PICKED YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE
THE SMART ONE.
WHAT?

THE SMART ONE.
WHAT?
OKAY, LOOK, LOOK.

WHAT?
OKAY, LOOK, LOOK.
THANK YOU, FREDDY, BUT WHY

OKAY, LOOK, LOOK.
THANK YOU, FREDDY, BUT WHY
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?

THANK YOU, FREDDY, BUT WHY
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?
WELL, THEIR CAST REPRESENTS

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?
WELL, THEIR CAST REPRESENTS
SOME OF NBC'S BEST TALENT...

WELL, THEIR CAST REPRESENTS
SOME OF NBC'S BEST TALENT...
[LAUGHTER]

SOME OF NBC'S BEST TALENT...
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S THE ONLY SHOW THEY'VE GOT

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S THE ONLY SHOW THEY'VE GOT
LEFT.

IT'S THE ONLY SHOW THEY'VE GOT
LEFT.
WE COULD SKULL IT BY GETTING

LEFT.
WE COULD SKULL IT BY GETTING
THE CAST TO LEAVE LATE NIGHT FOR

WE COULD SKULL IT BY GETTING
THE CAST TO LEAVE LATE NIGHT FOR
SOME ABYSMAL PRIME-TIME

THE CAST TO LEAVE LATE NIGHT FOR
SOME ABYSMAL PRIME-TIME
PROJECTS.

SOME ABYSMAL PRIME-TIME
PROJECTS.
LIKE WHAT?

PROJECTS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE, WELL, "HELLO, LARAINE,"

LIKE WHAT?
LIKE, WELL, "HELLO, LARAINE,"
"HELLO, AYKROYD,"

LIKE, WELL, "HELLO, LARAINE,"
"HELLO, AYKROYD,"
"HELLO, BELUSHI"...

"HELLO, AYKROYD,"
"HELLO, BELUSHI"...
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

"HELLO, BELUSHI"...
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHERE DO I FIT IN, THEN?

BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHERE DO I FIT IN, THEN?
I WANT YOU TO FRONT FOR ME.

WHERE DO I FIT IN, THEN?
I WANT YOU TO FRONT FOR ME.
GET THEIR CONFIDENCE, AND THEN

I WANT YOU TO FRONT FOR ME.
GET THEIR CONFIDENCE, AND THEN
INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR NEW

GET THEIR CONFIDENCE, AND THEN
INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR NEW
FRIEND FREDDY.

INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR NEW
FRIEND FREDDY.
[SIGHS]

FRIEND FREDDY.
[SIGHS]
WELL, CHARLIE, I THINK I CAN

[SIGHS]
WELL, CHARLIE, I THINK I CAN
HANDLE IT.

WELL, CHARLIE, I THINK I CAN
HANDLE IT.
IT SEEMS SIMPLE ENOUGH.

HANDLE IT.
IT SEEMS SIMPLE ENOUGH.
WHERE IS IT TAPED?

IT SEEMS SIMPLE ENOUGH.
WHERE IS IT TAPED?
OHH!

WHERE IS IT TAPED?
OHH!
IT'S TAPED...

OHH!
IT'S TAPED...
LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

IT'S TAPED...
LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
WITH KATE JACKSON.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.
WITH GUESTS

AND GILDA RADNER.
WITH GUESTS
DELBERT McCLINTON...

WITH GUESTS
DELBERT McCLINTON...
ANDY KAUFMAN...

DELBERT McCLINTON...
ANDY KAUFMAN...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

ANDY KAUFMAN...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KATE JACKSON!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KATE JACKSON!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
IT'S GONNA BE LOTS OF FUN!
OKAY, I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS IS

IT'S GONNA BE LOTS OF FUN!
OKAY, I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS IS
ACTUALLY THE SECOND TIME THAT

OKAY, I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS IS
ACTUALLY THE SECOND TIME THAT
I'VE WORKED AT NBC IN NEW YORK

ACTUALLY THE SECOND TIME THAT
I'VE WORKED AT NBC IN NEW YORK
BECAUSE 10 YEARS AGO, I WAS A

I'VE WORKED AT NBC IN NEW YORK
BECAUSE 10 YEARS AGO, I WAS A
TOUR GUIDE, AND I STOOD UP

BECAUSE 10 YEARS AGO, I WAS A
TOUR GUIDE, AND I STOOD UP
THERE...

TOUR GUIDE, AND I STOOD UP
THERE...
[CHEERS]

THERE...
[CHEERS]
AND POINTED THIS STUDIO OUT TO

[CHEERS]
AND POINTED THIS STUDIO OUT TO
PEOPLE AND SAID, "THIS IS STUDIO

AND POINTED THIS STUDIO OUT TO
PEOPLE AND SAID, "THIS IS STUDIO
8H.

PEOPLE AND SAID, "THIS IS STUDIO
8H.
IT'S THE LARGEST STUDIO IN THE

8H.
IT'S THE LARGEST STUDIO IN THE
BUILDING.

IT'S THE LARGEST STUDIO IN THE
BUILDING.
THIS IS WHERE ARTURO TOSCANINI

BUILDING.
THIS IS WHERE ARTURO TOSCANINI
LED THE NBC SYMPHONY

THIS IS WHERE ARTURO TOSCANINI
LED THE NBC SYMPHONY
ORCHESTRA... I CAN TELL YOU'RE

LED THE NBC SYMPHONY
ORCHESTRA... I CAN TELL YOU'RE
THRILLED... FROM 1937 TO 1951."

ORCHESTRA... I CAN TELL YOU'RE
THRILLED... FROM 1937 TO 1951."
I CAN STILL REMEMBER ALL THAT

THRILLED... FROM 1937 TO 1951."
I CAN STILL REMEMBER ALL THAT
STUFF.

I CAN STILL REMEMBER ALL THAT
STUFF.
BUT IT WAS REALLY FUN AND IT WAS

STUFF.
BUT IT WAS REALLY FUN AND IT WAS
A GOOD TOUR AND IT WAS GREAT

BUT IT WAS REALLY FUN AND IT WAS
A GOOD TOUR AND IT WAS GREAT
EXPERIENCE, AND IT WAS THE FIRST

A GOOD TOUR AND IT WAS GREAT
EXPERIENCE, AND IT WAS THE FIRST
TIME...

EXPERIENCE, AND IT WAS THE FIRST
TIME...
STUDIO 8H, THE LARGEST STUDIO

TIME...
STUDIO 8H, THE LARGEST STUDIO
IN THE NBC COMPLEX, AND RIGHT UP

STUDIO 8H, THE LARGEST STUDIO
IN THE NBC COMPLEX, AND RIGHT UP
HERE IS KATE JACKSON, THE

IN THE NBC COMPLEX, AND RIGHT UP
HERE IS KATE JACKSON, THE
HOSTESS OF "SATURDAY NIGHT

HERE IS KATE JACKSON, THE
HOSTESS OF "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE."

HOSTESS OF "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE."
STEP RIGHT UP HERE.

LIVE."
STEP RIGHT UP HERE.
FEW PEOPLE KNOW THAT IN

STEP RIGHT UP HERE.
FEW PEOPLE KNOW THAT IN
ADDITION, MISS JACKSON WAS A

FEW PEOPLE KNOW THAT IN
ADDITION, MISS JACKSON WAS A
FORMER NBC TOUR GUIDE FOR THE

ADDITION, MISS JACKSON WAS A
FORMER NBC TOUR GUIDE FOR THE
SHOW, AND HERE SHE IS SEEN

FORMER NBC TOUR GUIDE FOR THE
SHOW, AND HERE SHE IS SEEN
ADDRESSING AN AUDIENCE FOR

SHOW, AND HERE SHE IS SEEN
ADDRESSING AN AUDIENCE FOR
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

ADDRESSING AN AUDIENCE FOR
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
HI, EVERYBODY.

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
HI, EVERYBODY.
NOW IF YOU'D STEP WITH ME,

HI, EVERYBODY.
NOW IF YOU'D STEP WITH ME,
WE'LL GO SEE WHAT'S BEHIND THAT

NOW IF YOU'D STEP WITH ME,
WE'LL GO SEE WHAT'S BEHIND THAT
DOOR UP THERE.

WE'LL GO SEE WHAT'S BEHIND THAT
DOOR UP THERE.
BARBARA FELDON AND GARY...

DOOR UP THERE.
BARBARA FELDON AND GARY...
WERE ONCE TOUR GUIDES HERE, TOO.

BARBARA FELDON AND GARY...
WERE ONCE TOUR GUIDES HERE, TOO.
UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

WERE ONCE TOUR GUIDES HERE, TOO.
UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
I COULD PROBABLY ANSWER THEM FOR

UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
I COULD PROBABLY ANSWER THEM FOR
YOU.

I COULD PROBABLY ANSWER THEM FOR
YOU.
HOW MUCH ENERGY DOES IT TAKE

YOU.
HOW MUCH ENERGY DOES IT TAKE
TO HEAT THIS BUILDING?

HOW MUCH ENERGY DOES IT TAKE
TO HEAT THIS BUILDING?
UH, THAT'S AN INTERESTING

TO HEAT THIS BUILDING?
UH, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION.

UH, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION.
ACTUALLY, IN ONE WEEK, THEY USE

QUESTION.
ACTUALLY, IN ONE WEEK, THEY USE
ENOUGH IN THIS BUILDING... THEY

ACTUALLY, IN ONE WEEK, THEY USE
ENOUGH IN THIS BUILDING... THEY
USE ENOUGH HEAT TO COOK ALL THE

ENOUGH IN THIS BUILDING... THEY
USE ENOUGH HEAT TO COOK ALL THE
McDONALD'S HAMBURGERS DURING THE

USE ENOUGH HEAT TO COOK ALL THE
McDONALD'S HAMBURGERS DURING THE
EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION, AND

McDONALD'S HAMBURGERS DURING THE
EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION, AND
YOU'D HAVE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO

EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION, AND
YOU'D HAVE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO
POWER A JONNY QUEST ADVENTURE

YOU'D HAVE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO
POWER A JONNY QUEST ADVENTURE
TOUR.

POWER A JONNY QUEST ADVENTURE
TOUR.
MISS JACKSON?

TOUR.
MISS JACKSON?
IS A DOG'S MOUTH CLEANER THAN A

MISS JACKSON?
IS A DOG'S MOUTH CLEANER THAN A
HUMANS?

IS A DOG'S MOUTH CLEANER THAN A
HUMANS?
YES, IT IS.

HUMANS?
YES, IT IS.
MISS JACKSON, WHAT IS THE

YES, IT IS.
MISS JACKSON, WHAT IS THE
CAPITAL OF DELAWARE?

MISS JACKSON, WHAT IS THE
CAPITAL OF DELAWARE?
DELAWARE DOESN'T HAVE A

CAPITAL OF DELAWARE?
DELAWARE DOESN'T HAVE A
CAPITAL.

DELAWARE DOESN'T HAVE A
CAPITAL.
THEY USE MARYLAND'S.

CAPITAL.
THEY USE MARYLAND'S.
UH, YEAH.

THEY USE MARYLAND'S.
UH, YEAH.
PROP UP YOUR PILLOWS,

UH, YEAH.
PROP UP YOUR PILLOWS,
KIM MATTERS, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT

PROP UP YOUR PILLOWS,
KIM MATTERS, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.

KIM MATTERS, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH!
OH!
HERE YOU ARE, LISA, DEAR...

OH!
HERE YOU ARE, LISA, DEAR...
LEFT-HANDED GLASS OF TANG AND

HERE YOU ARE, LISA, DEAR...
LEFT-HANDED GLASS OF TANG AND
EGG SALAD.

LEFT-HANDED GLASS OF TANG AND
EGG SALAD.
THANK YOU, MOM.

EGG SALAD.
THANK YOU, MOM.
[CRYING]

THANK YOU, MOM.
[CRYING]
OH, LISA, WHAT'S WRONG?

[CRYING]
OH, LISA, WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, MOM, I'VE LOST TODD.

OH, LISA, WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, MOM, I'VE LOST TODD.
HE'S IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

OH, MOM, I'VE LOST TODD.
HE'S IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
IT'S THAT NURSE, MICHELE, WHO'S

HE'S IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
IT'S THAT NURSE, MICHELE, WHO'S
BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU SINCE

IT'S THAT NURSE, MICHELE, WHO'S
BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU SINCE
YOU HURT YOUR ARM.

BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU SINCE
YOU HURT YOUR ARM.
OH, LISA, YOU'RE IMAGINING

YOU HURT YOUR ARM.
OH, LISA, YOU'RE IMAGINING
THINGS.

OH, LISA, YOU'RE IMAGINING
THINGS.
NO, MOM.

THINGS.
NO, MOM.
[SNORTING]

NO, MOM.
[SNORTING]
TODD HASN'T GIVEN ME... TODD

[SNORTING]
TODD HASN'T GIVEN ME... TODD
HASN'T GIVEN ME NOOGIES FOR TWO

TODD HASN'T GIVEN ME... TODD
HASN'T GIVEN ME NOOGIES FOR TWO
WEEKS.

HASN'T GIVEN ME NOOGIES FOR TWO
WEEKS.
NOT SINCE THAT MICHELE SHOWED

WEEKS.
NOT SINCE THAT MICHELE SHOWED
UP.

NOT SINCE THAT MICHELE SHOWED
UP.
I KEEP WAITING FOR THE NOOGIE

UP.
I KEEP WAITING FOR THE NOOGIE
PATROL, AND IT NEVER COMES.

I KEEP WAITING FOR THE NOOGIE
PATROL, AND IT NEVER COMES.
OH, THERE, THERE, DEAR.

PATROL, AND IT NEVER COMES.
OH, THERE, THERE, DEAR.
AND WHAT'S WORSE, HIS SKIN

OH, THERE, THERE, DEAR.
AND WHAT'S WORSE, HIS SKIN
CLEARED UP.

AND WHAT'S WORSE, HIS SKIN
CLEARED UP.
OH, HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH A

CLEARED UP.
OH, HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH A
NURSE?

OH, HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH A
NURSE?
I MEAN, SHE'S GOT THOSE COOL,

NURSE?
I MEAN, SHE'S GOT THOSE COOL,
FIRM MOUNTAINS OF VANILLA ICE

I MEAN, SHE'S GOT THOSE COOL,
FIRM MOUNTAINS OF VANILLA ICE
CREAM, AND ALL I GOT ARE THESE

FIRM MOUNTAINS OF VANILLA ICE
CREAM, AND ALL I GOT ARE THESE
TWO MISERABLE MARASCHINO

CREAM, AND ALL I GOT ARE THESE
TWO MISERABLE MARASCHINO
CHERRIES.

TWO MISERABLE MARASCHINO
CHERRIES.
[LAUGHTER]

CHERRIES.
[LAUGHTER]
[SNORTING, CRYING]

[LAUGHTER]
[SNORTING, CRYING]
LISA...

[SNORTING, CRYING]
LISA...
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE

LISA...
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE
MONTH, ISN'T IT?

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE
MONTH, ISN'T IT?
YES, I'VE BEEN STRICKEN.

MONTH, ISN'T IT?
YES, I'VE BEEN STRICKEN.
I'VE GOT THE CURSE, IF THAT'S

YES, I'VE BEEN STRICKEN.
I'VE GOT THE CURSE, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU MEAN.

I'VE GOT THE CURSE, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU MEAN.
WELL, IT IS A CURSE, BUT IT'S

WHAT YOU MEAN.
WELL, IT IS A CURSE, BUT IT'S
ALSO A BLESSING.

WELL, IT IS A CURSE, BUT IT'S
ALSO A BLESSING.
IT'S A BLESSING AND A CURSE.

ALSO A BLESSING.
IT'S A BLESSING AND A CURSE.
SOME DAY, LISA, YOU MAY WANT TO

IT'S A BLESSING AND A CURSE.
SOME DAY, LISA, YOU MAY WANT TO
USE THE LOWER PART OF YOUR BODY,

SOME DAY, LISA, YOU MAY WANT TO
USE THE LOWER PART OF YOUR BODY,
AND THIS IS JUST NATURE'S WAY OF

USE THE LOWER PART OF YOUR BODY,
AND THIS IS JUST NATURE'S WAY OF
MAKING SURE THE PLUMBING'S IN

AND THIS IS JUST NATURE'S WAY OF
MAKING SURE THE PLUMBING'S IN
GOOD WORKING ORDER.

MAKING SURE THE PLUMBING'S IN
GOOD WORKING ORDER.
IT'S LIKE DRANO.

GOOD WORKING ORDER.
IT'S LIKE DRANO.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

IT'S LIKE DRANO.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HELLO, MRS. LOOPNER.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
HELLO, MRS. LOOPNER.
[LAUGHTER]

HELLO, MRS. LOOPNER.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHY, TODD, YOU LOOK SO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHY, TODD, YOU LOOK SO
HANDSOME.

WHY, TODD, YOU LOOK SO
HANDSOME.
THANK YOU, MRS. LOOPNER.

HANDSOME.
THANK YOU, MRS. LOOPNER.
IS THAT MAN TAN?

THANK YOU, MRS. LOOPNER.
IS THAT MAN TAN?
NO, IT'S A SUN LAMP.

IS THAT MAN TAN?
NO, IT'S A SUN LAMP.
OH, HELLO, LISA.

NO, IT'S A SUN LAMP.
OH, HELLO, LISA.
I'M SORRY YOU'RE NOT FEELING

OH, HELLO, LISA.
I'M SORRY YOU'RE NOT FEELING
WELL.

I'M SORRY YOU'RE NOT FEELING
WELL.
KIND OF YOU TO NOTICE,

WELL.
KIND OF YOU TO NOTICE,
TOAST FACE.

KIND OF YOU TO NOTICE,
TOAST FACE.
I HAVE MY FRIEND VISITING ME...

TOAST FACE.
I HAVE MY FRIEND VISITING ME...
MY ONLY FRIEND.

I HAVE MY FRIEND VISITING ME...
MY ONLY FRIEND.
OH, UH, MRS. LOOPNER, I

MY ONLY FRIEND.
OH, UH, MRS. LOOPNER, I
UNDERSTAND MICHELLE IS COMING

OH, UH, MRS. LOOPNER, I
UNDERSTAND MICHELLE IS COMING
OVER TO TAKE OFF YOUR CAST, AND

UNDERSTAND MICHELLE IS COMING
OVER TO TAKE OFF YOUR CAST, AND
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO

OVER TO TAKE OFF YOUR CAST, AND
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO
WATCH BECAUSE I'VE FINALLY

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO
WATCH BECAUSE I'VE FINALLY
DECIDED I'M GOING INTO MEDICINE,

WATCH BECAUSE I'VE FINALLY
DECIDED I'M GOING INTO MEDICINE,
SO DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF

DECIDED I'M GOING INTO MEDICINE,
SO DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF
IT.

SO DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF
IT.
[GASPS]

IT.
[GASPS]
OH, OUR TODD A DOCTOR.

[GASPS]
OH, OUR TODD A DOCTOR.
OH, THIS CALLS FOR A TANG TOAST.

OH, OUR TODD A DOCTOR.
OH, THIS CALLS FOR A TANG TOAST.
EXCUSE ME, KIDS.

OH, THIS CALLS FOR A TANG TOAST.
EXCUSE ME, KIDS.
I'LL EXAMINE HER,

EXCUSE ME, KIDS.
I'LL EXAMINE HER,
MRS. LOOPNER.

I'LL EXAMINE HER,
MRS. LOOPNER.
PULSE SEEMS TO BE NORMAL.

MRS. LOOPNER.
PULSE SEEMS TO BE NORMAL.
PATIENT IS RATHER WARM.

PULSE SEEMS TO BE NORMAL.
PATIENT IS RATHER WARM.
AM I GETTING ANY SPLIT ENDS?

PATIENT IS RATHER WARM.
AM I GETTING ANY SPLIT ENDS?
LET ME SEE HERE.

AM I GETTING ANY SPLIT ENDS?
LET ME SEE HERE.
YES, YOU ARE.

LET ME SEE HERE.
YES, YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD FIND

YES, YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD FIND
OUT WHAT KIND OF A CONDITIONER

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD FIND
OUT WHAT KIND OF A CONDITIONER
MICHELLE USES.

OUT WHAT KIND OF A CONDITIONER
MICHELLE USES.
HER HAIR IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

MICHELLE USES.
HER HAIR IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
OH!

HER HAIR IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
OH!
WELL, DOCTOR DiLaMUCA, HERE'S

OH!
WELL, DOCTOR DiLaMUCA, HERE'S
A NICE, COLD GLASS OF YOUR

WELL, DOCTOR DiLaMUCA, HERE'S
A NICE, COLD GLASS OF YOUR
FAVORITE BEVERAGE AND SOME OF MY

A NICE, COLD GLASS OF YOUR
FAVORITE BEVERAGE AND SOME OF MY
WORLD-FAMOUS EGG SALAD.

FAVORITE BEVERAGE AND SOME OF MY
WORLD-FAMOUS EGG SALAD.
THANKS BUT NO THANKS,

WORLD-FAMOUS EGG SALAD.
THANKS BUT NO THANKS,
MRS. LOOPNER.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS,
MRS. LOOPNER.
I'M DIETING.

MRS. LOOPNER.
I'M DIETING.
YEAH?

I'M DIETING.
YEAH?
WELL, YOU CAN LOSE 10 POUNDS OF

YEAH?
WELL, YOU CAN LOSE 10 POUNDS OF
UGLY FAT REAL QUICK... CUT OFF

WELL, YOU CAN LOSE 10 POUNDS OF
UGLY FAT REAL QUICK... CUT OFF
YOUR HEAD.

UGLY FAT REAL QUICK... CUT OFF
YOUR HEAD.
LISA!

YOUR HEAD.
LISA!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

LISA!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH.
THAT MUST BE HER.

OH.
THAT MUST BE HER.
I'LL GET THAT.

AH, MICHELLE.
WELL, HI, TODD.
HI, Y'ALL.

WELL, HI, TODD.
HI, Y'ALL.
HELLO, MICHELLE.

HI, Y'ALL.
HELLO, MICHELLE.
ALLOW ME, MICHELLE.

HELLO, MICHELLE.
ALLOW ME, MICHELLE.
OLé, HUH?

ALLOW ME, MICHELLE.
OLé, HUH?
[LAUGHTER]

OLé, HUH?
[LAUGHTER]
ENID, YOU READY FOR THAT CAST

[LAUGHTER]
ENID, YOU READY FOR THAT CAST
TO COME OFF TODAY?

ENID, YOU READY FOR THAT CAST
TO COME OFF TODAY?
I THOUGHT I'D JUST DROP BY AND

TO COME OFF TODAY?
I THOUGHT I'D JUST DROP BY AND
LEND YOU A HAND.

I THOUGHT I'D JUST DROP BY AND
LEND YOU A HAND.
[LAUGHS]

LEND YOU A HAND.
[LAUGHS]
OH, THAT'S RICH, MICHELLE.

[LAUGHS]
OH, THAT'S RICH, MICHELLE.
YOU KEEP ME IN STITCHES.

OH, THAT'S RICH, MICHELLE.
YOU KEEP ME IN STITCHES.
OR OUT OF STITCHES.

YOU KEEP ME IN STITCHES.
OR OUT OF STITCHES.
[LAUGHS]

OR OUT OF STITCHES.
[LAUGHS]
IN CASE YOU'RE ALL BLIND, SHE

[LAUGHS]
IN CASE YOU'RE ALL BLIND, SHE
DOESN'T HAVE STITCHES.

IN CASE YOU'RE ALL BLIND, SHE
DOESN'T HAVE STITCHES.
SHE'S WEARING A CAST.

DOESN'T HAVE STITCHES.
SHE'S WEARING A CAST.
OH, WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT.

SHE'S WEARING A CAST.
OH, WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT.
I HAVE AN IDEA, THEN.

OH, WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT.
I HAVE AN IDEA, THEN.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE A CAST PARTY.

I HAVE AN IDEA, THEN.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE A CAST PARTY.
AH, GREAT ONE.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE A CAST PARTY.
AH, GREAT ONE.
LET'S NOT AND SAY WE DID.

AH, GREAT ONE.
LET'S NOT AND SAY WE DID.
I'LL BRING THE TANG.

LET'S NOT AND SAY WE DID.
I'LL BRING THE TANG.
WONDERFUL, ENID.

I'LL BRING THE TANG.
WONDERFUL, ENID.
NOW, LISA, LISA, HONEY, WHAT'S

WONDERFUL, ENID.
NOW, LISA, LISA, HONEY, WHAT'S
THE MATTER?

NOW, LISA, LISA, HONEY, WHAT'S
THE MATTER?
DO YOU NEED SOME MIDOL?

THE MATTER?
DO YOU NEED SOME MIDOL?
NO, THANK YOU.

DO YOU NEED SOME MIDOL?
NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T USE DRUGS.

NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T USE DRUGS.
OH, MICHELLE, DO YOU HAVE A

I DON'T USE DRUGS.
OH, MICHELLE, DO YOU HAVE A
MOMENT?

OH, MICHELLE, DO YOU HAVE A
MOMENT?
OH, SURE, TODD.

MOMENT?
OH, SURE, TODD.
NOW, UH, I'VE ALREADY TOLD

OH, SURE, TODD.
NOW, UH, I'VE ALREADY TOLD
THE LOOPNERS BECAUSE I LIKE TO

NOW, UH, I'VE ALREADY TOLD
THE LOOPNERS BECAUSE I LIKE TO
USE THEM AS SORT OF A SOUNDING

THE LOOPNERS BECAUSE I LIKE TO
USE THEM AS SORT OF A SOUNDING
BOARD, BUT I WANT A SECOND

USE THEM AS SORT OF A SOUNDING
BOARD, BUT I WANT A SECOND
OPINION.

BOARD, BUT I WANT A SECOND
OPINION.
I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A DOCTOR.

OPINION.
I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A DOCTOR.
OH, WELL, I THINK THAT'S JUST

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A DOCTOR.
OH, WELL, I THINK THAT'S JUST
WONDERFUL, HONEY.

OH, WELL, I THINK THAT'S JUST
WONDERFUL, HONEY.
YOU KNOW, MICHELLE, YOU HAVE

WONDERFUL, HONEY.
YOU KNOW, MICHELLE, YOU HAVE
A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

YOU KNOW, MICHELLE, YOU HAVE
A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
[Off-key] ♪ MICHELLE, MY

A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
[Off-key] ♪ MICHELLE, MY
BELLE ♪

[Off-key] ♪ MICHELLE, MY
BELLE ♪
♪ SONT LES MOTS QUI VONT TRèS

BELLE ♪
♪ SONT LES MOTS QUI VONT TRèS
BIEN ENSEMBLE ♪

♪ SONT LES MOTS QUI VONT TRèS
BIEN ENSEMBLE ♪
♪ TRèS BIEN ENSEMBLE ♪

BIEN ENSEMBLE ♪
♪ TRèS BIEN ENSEMBLE ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I

♪ TRèS BIEN ENSEMBLE ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I
LOVE YOU ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I
LOVE YOU ♪
["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYS]

LOVE YOU ♪
["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYS]
[Off-key] ♪ HEART AND

["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYS]
[Off-key] ♪ HEART AND
SOUL ♪

[Off-key] ♪ HEART AND
SOUL ♪
♪ I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

SOUL ♪
♪ I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪
♪ HEART... ♪

♪ I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪
♪ HEART... ♪
UH, MICHELLE, WOULD YOU LIKE

♪ HEART... ♪
UH, MICHELLE, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE "MOMENT TO MOMENT" WITH

UH, MICHELLE, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE "MOMENT TO MOMENT" WITH
ME?

TO SEE "MOMENT TO MOMENT" WITH
ME?
I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT, BUT I CAN

ME?
I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT, BUT I CAN
SEE IT AGAIN.

I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT, BUT I CAN
SEE IT AGAIN.
AND THEN WE COULD PERHAPS GO

SEE IT AGAIN.
AND THEN WE COULD PERHAPS GO
BACK TO MY REC ROOM FOR WINE AND

AND THEN WE COULD PERHAPS GO
BACK TO MY REC ROOM FOR WINE AND
CHEESE.

BACK TO MY REC ROOM FOR WINE AND
CHEESE.
I HOPE YOU LIKE MATEUS.

CHEESE.
I HOPE YOU LIKE MATEUS.
WELL, NOW, THAT'S VERY SWEET

I HOPE YOU LIKE MATEUS.
WELL, NOW, THAT'S VERY SWEET
OF YOU TO ASK ME, TODD, HONEY,

WELL, NOW, THAT'S VERY SWEET
OF YOU TO ASK ME, TODD, HONEY,
BUT, YOU SEE, I REALLY CAN'T

OF YOU TO ASK ME, TODD, HONEY,
BUT, YOU SEE, I REALLY CAN'T
BECAUSE I'M AFRAID MY FIANCé

BUT, YOU SEE, I REALLY CAN'T
BECAUSE I'M AFRAID MY FIANCé
WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

BECAUSE I'M AFRAID MY FIANCé
WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
WHAT FIANCé?

WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
WHAT FIANCé?
WELL, HIS NAME IS

WHAT FIANCé?
WELL, HIS NAME IS
KURT HANKLA, AND HE'S A STEWARD

WELL, HIS NAME IS
KURT HANKLA, AND HE'S A STEWARD
FOR LUFTHANSA.

KURT HANKLA, AND HE'S A STEWARD
FOR LUFTHANSA.
[LAUGHING]

FOR LUFTHANSA.
[LAUGHING]
AND THAT'S HOW I MADE THIS

[LAUGHING]
AND THAT'S HOW I MADE THIS
TANG... WITH MY "LUFT HANDSA."

AND THAT'S HOW I MADE THIS
TANG... WITH MY "LUFT HANDSA."
[Laughing] OH, ENID!

TANG... WITH MY "LUFT HANDSA."
[Laughing] OH, ENID!
OH, BROTHER!

[Laughing] OH, ENID!
OH, BROTHER!
NOW, TODD, TODD, HONEY, NOW,

OH, BROTHER!
NOW, TODD, TODD, HONEY, NOW,
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS DOESN'T

NOW, TODD, TODD, HONEY, NOW,
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS DOESN'T
MEAN THAT WE CAN'T STILL BE

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS DOESN'T
MEAN THAT WE CAN'T STILL BE
FRIENDS.

MEAN THAT WE CAN'T STILL BE
FRIENDS.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'LL BE VERY,

FRIENDS.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'LL BE VERY,
VERY HAPPY.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'LL BE VERY,
VERY HAPPY.
YOU SHOULD MAKE THAT CHEAP KRAUT

VERY HAPPY.
YOU SHOULD MAKE THAT CHEAP KRAUT
BUY YOU A RING.

YOU SHOULD MAKE THAT CHEAP KRAUT
BUY YOU A RING.
COME ON, ENID, LET'S TAKE

BUY YOU A RING.
COME ON, ENID, LET'S TAKE
THAT CAST OFF.

COME ON, ENID, LET'S TAKE
THAT CAST OFF.
MICHELLE, HAVE THEY EVER

THAT CAST OFF.
MICHELLE, HAVE THEY EVER
HEARD OF LOOPNER'S DISEASE IN

MICHELLE, HAVE THEY EVER
HEARD OF LOOPNER'S DISEASE IN
ALABAMA?

HEARD OF LOOPNER'S DISEASE IN
ALABAMA?
ISN'T THAT THE SLINKY DISEASE

ALABAMA?
ISN'T THAT THE SLINKY DISEASE
OR SOMETHING?

ISN'T THAT THE SLINKY DISEASE
OR SOMETHING?
["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYS]

[NOTES PLAY LOUDLY]
ENOUGH, TODD!
YOU KNOW, YOU BETTER SERVE

ENOUGH, TODD!
YOU KNOW, YOU BETTER SERVE
THOSE PANCAKES.

YOU KNOW, YOU BETTER SERVE
THOSE PANCAKES.
THEY'RE GETTING KIND OF COOL.

THOSE PANCAKES.
THEY'RE GETTING KIND OF COOL.
STOP IT, TODD.

THEY'RE GETTING KIND OF COOL.
STOP IT, TODD.
AND, UH, I BELIEVE YOU WERE

STOP IT, TODD.
AND, UH, I BELIEVE YOU WERE
ASKING FOR SOME

AND, UH, I BELIEVE YOU WERE
ASKING FOR SOME
FORGIVE-AND-FORGET NOOGIES A

ASKING FOR SOME
FORGIVE-AND-FORGET NOOGIES A
LITTLE WHILE AGO.

FORGIVE-AND-FORGET NOOGIES A
LITTLE WHILE AGO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, HERE'S THE NEW
SCHEDULE, JUST LIKE YOU
DICTATED IT, FREDDY.

SCHEDULE, JUST LIKE YOU
DICTATED IT, FREDDY.
I LIKE IT!

DICTATED IT, FREDDY.
I LIKE IT!
I LIKE IT VERY MUCH.

I LIKE IT!
I LIKE IT VERY MUCH.
I MUST SAY, A FEW MEMBERS OF

I LIKE IT VERY MUCH.
I MUST SAY, A FEW MEMBERS OF
THE BOARD WERE A LITTLE BIT

I MUST SAY, A FEW MEMBERS OF
THE BOARD WERE A LITTLE BIT
DISTURBED.

THE BOARD WERE A LITTLE BIT
DISTURBED.
SURPRISED, I GUESS.

DISTURBED.
SURPRISED, I GUESS.
IRV GOODMAN SAID IF HE DIDN'T

SURPRISED, I GUESS.
IRV GOODMAN SAID IF HE DIDN'T
KNOW BETTER, HE'D SAY YOU WERE

IRV GOODMAN SAID IF HE DIDN'T
KNOW BETTER, HE'D SAY YOU WERE
TRYING TO SABOTAGE THE NETWORK.

KNOW BETTER, HE'D SAY YOU WERE
TRYING TO SABOTAGE THE NETWORK.
[LAUGHS]

TRYING TO SABOTAGE THE NETWORK.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT'S WHY IRV'S IN

[LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT'S WHY IRV'S IN
FINANCE, AND, UH, WE'RE IN

WELL, THAT'S WHY IRV'S IN
FINANCE, AND, UH, WE'RE IN
PROGRAMMING, PAUL.

FINANCE, AND, UH, WE'RE IN
PROGRAMMING, PAUL.
WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I DO

PROGRAMMING, PAUL.
WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I DO
SHARE SOME OF IRV'S APPREHENSION

WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I DO
SHARE SOME OF IRV'S APPREHENSION
ABOUT IT.

SHARE SOME OF IRV'S APPREHENSION
ABOUT IT.
IF YOU'D LET ME PLAY NIELSEN'S

ABOUT IT.
IF YOU'D LET ME PLAY NIELSEN'S
ADVOCATE FOR A SECOND...

IF YOU'D LET ME PLAY NIELSEN'S
ADVOCATE FOR A SECOND...
UH, NOW, PUTTING THE "TODAY"

ADVOCATE FOR A SECOND...
UH, NOW, PUTTING THE "TODAY"
SHOW AT 8:00 AT NIGHT, YOU KNOW,

UH, NOW, PUTTING THE "TODAY"
SHOW AT 8:00 AT NIGHT, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A LITTLE CONFUSING, YOU

SHOW AT 8:00 AT NIGHT, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A LITTLE CONFUSING, YOU
KNOW?

THAT'S A LITTLE CONFUSING, YOU
KNOW?
THE "TODAY" SHOW MADE ITS

KNOW?
THE "TODAY" SHOW MADE ITS
REPUTATION ON BEING A MORNING

THE "TODAY" SHOW MADE ITS
REPUTATION ON BEING A MORNING
SHOW.

REPUTATION ON BEING A MORNING
SHOW.
BUT THE "TODAY" SHOW IS ONE

SHOW.
BUT THE "TODAY" SHOW IS ONE
OF OUR BIGGEST SHOWS.

BUT THE "TODAY" SHOW IS ONE
OF OUR BIGGEST SHOWS.
WE NEED IT IN PRIME TIME.

OF OUR BIGGEST SHOWS.
WE NEED IT IN PRIME TIME.
OKAY.

WE NEED IT IN PRIME TIME.
OKAY.
BUT WHY DID WE HANG ON TO

OKAY.
BUT WHY DID WE HANG ON TO
"LITTLE WOMEN"?

BUT WHY DID WE HANG ON TO
"LITTLE WOMEN"?
IT WAS DEAD LAST IN THE RATINGS.

"LITTLE WOMEN"?
IT WAS DEAD LAST IN THE RATINGS.
PAUL, LET ME GIVE YOU A

IT WAS DEAD LAST IN THE RATINGS.
PAUL, LET ME GIVE YOU A
LITTLE LESSON IN CREATIVE

PAUL, LET ME GIVE YOU A
LITTLE LESSON IN CREATIVE
PROGRAMMING.

LITTLE LESSON IN CREATIVE
PROGRAMMING.
YOU KNOW THIS THING THAT'S

PROGRAMMING.
YOU KNOW THIS THING THAT'S
GOING ON BETWEEN THE

YOU KNOW THIS THING THAT'S
GOING ON BETWEEN THE
UNITED STATES AND RED CHINA...

GOING ON BETWEEN THE
UNITED STATES AND RED CHINA...
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW

UNITED STATES AND RED CHINA...
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW
THAT?

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW
THAT?
WELL, WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO

THAT?
WELL, WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO
WITH TV PROGRAMMING?

WELL, WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO
WITH TV PROGRAMMING?
"LITTLE WOMEN" IS ON NOBODY'S

WITH TV PROGRAMMING?
"LITTLE WOMEN" IS ON NOBODY'S
MIND.

"LITTLE WOMEN" IS ON NOBODY'S
MIND.
BUT CHINA IS ON EVERYBODY'S

MIND.
BUT CHINA IS ON EVERYBODY'S
MIND.

BUT CHINA IS ON EVERYBODY'S
MIND.
SO, NEXT SEASON, UH, WE MAKE

MIND.
SO, NEXT SEASON, UH, WE MAKE
"LITTLE WOMEN" INTO...

SO, NEXT SEASON, UH, WE MAKE
"LITTLE WOMEN" INTO...
"LITTLE CHINESE WOMEN."

"LITTLE WOMEN" INTO...
"LITTLE CHINESE WOMEN."
WELL, I GUESS YOU KNOW WHAT

"LITTLE CHINESE WOMEN."
WELL, I GUESS YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING.

WELL, I GUESS YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING.
UH, ALL THE NBC NEWS CONTRACTS

YOU'RE DOING.
UH, ALL THE NBC NEWS CONTRACTS
HAVE BEEN SIGNED.

UH, ALL THE NBC NEWS CONTRACTS
HAVE BEEN SIGNED.
EFFECTIVE MARCH 1st,

HAVE BEEN SIGNED.
EFFECTIVE MARCH 1st,
DAVID BRINKLEY WILL BE REPLACED

EFFECTIVE MARCH 1st,
DAVID BRINKLEY WILL BE REPLACED
BY RIP TAYLOR.

DAVID BRINKLEY WILL BE REPLACED
BY RIP TAYLOR.
I JUST HOPE WE DON'T LOSE OUR

BY RIP TAYLOR.
I JUST HOPE WE DON'T LOSE OUR
CREDIBILITY.

I JUST HOPE WE DON'T LOSE OUR
CREDIBILITY.
LET'S LEAVE CREDIBILITY TO

CREDIBILITY.
LET'S LEAVE CREDIBILITY TO
WALTER CRONKITE AND HIS CORE OF

LET'S LEAVE CREDIBILITY TO
WALTER CRONKITE AND HIS CORE OF
HOLIER-THAN-THOU SERIOUS NEWS

WALTER CRONKITE AND HIS CORE OF
HOLIER-THAN-THOU SERIOUS NEWS
JOURNALISTS.

HOLIER-THAN-THOU SERIOUS NEWS
JOURNALISTS.
HE MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT!

JOURNALISTS.
HE MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T

HE MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T
THINK CRONKITE'S SO BAD, BUT

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T
THINK CRONKITE'S SO BAD, BUT
YOU'RE THE BOSS, FREDDY.

THINK CRONKITE'S SO BAD, BUT
YOU'RE THE BOSS, FREDDY.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

YOU'RE THE BOSS, FREDDY.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
YEAH?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]
YEAH?
KATE JACKSON TO SEE YOU,

YEAH?
KATE JACKSON TO SEE YOU,
MR. SILVERMAN.

KATE JACKSON TO SEE YOU,
MR. SILVERMAN.
SEND HER RIGHT IN.

MR. SILVERMAN.
SEND HER RIGHT IN.
KATE JACKSON.

SEND HER RIGHT IN.
KATE JACKSON.
SHE'S THE SMART ONE, ISN'T SHE?

KATE JACKSON.
SHE'S THE SMART ONE, ISN'T SHE?
YEAH.

SHE'S THE SMART ONE, ISN'T SHE?
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL GET THESE

YEAH.
WELL, I'LL GET THESE
CONTRACTS COUNTERSIGNED.

WELL, I'LL GET THESE
CONTRACTS COUNTERSIGNED.
OH, EXCUSE ME.

CONTRACTS COUNTERSIGNED.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
OH, HI. PAUL GROSS.

OH, EXCUSE ME.
OH, HI. PAUL GROSS.
HOW ARE YOU?

OH, HI. PAUL GROSS.
HOW ARE YOU?
NICE TO MEET YOU.

HOW ARE YOU?
NICE TO MEET YOU.
SAY, HOW ARE THINGS WORKING OUT

NICE TO MEET YOU.
SAY, HOW ARE THINGS WORKING OUT
WITH THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" GROUP

SAY, HOW ARE THINGS WORKING OUT
WITH THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" GROUP
OF CRAZIES?

WITH THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" GROUP
OF CRAZIES?
OH, IT SEEMS TO BE GOING

OF CRAZIES?
OH, IT SEEMS TO BE GOING
PRETTY WELL.

OH, IT SEEMS TO BE GOING
PRETTY WELL.
BOY, THAT'S A WIGGED-OUT

PRETTY WELL.
BOY, THAT'S A WIGGED-OUT
BUNCH, YOU KNOW THAT?

BOY, THAT'S A WIGGED-OUT
BUNCH, YOU KNOW THAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE

BUNCH, YOU KNOW THAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE
KIDDING ME OR WHAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE
KIDDING ME OR WHAT.
[LAUGHS]

KIDDING ME OR WHAT.
[LAUGHS]
NICE TO MEET YOU.

[LAUGHS]
NICE TO MEET YOU.
BYE-BYE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
BYE-BYE.
KATE, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?

BYE-BYE.
KATE, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
I DON'T KNOW, FREDDY.

KATE, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
I DON'T KNOW, FREDDY.
IT'S A LITTLE EARLY TO TELL.

I DON'T KNOW, FREDDY.
IT'S A LITTLE EARLY TO TELL.
NOW, I TALKED TO GILDA ABOUT,

IT'S A LITTLE EARLY TO TELL.
NOW, I TALKED TO GILDA ABOUT,
YOUR PROPOSAL FOR "HELLO,

NOW, I TALKED TO GILDA ABOUT,
YOUR PROPOSAL FOR "HELLO,
RADNER."

YOUR PROPOSAL FOR "HELLO,
RADNER."
GOOD.

RADNER."
GOOD.
DID YOU TALK TO, UH, JANE ABOUT

GOOD.
DID YOU TALK TO, UH, JANE ABOUT
"MRS. KOJAK"?

DID YOU TALK TO, UH, JANE ABOUT
"MRS. KOJAK"?
NO, NO.

"MRS. KOJAK"?
NO, NO.
LOOK, COULD YOU JUST... I DON'T

NO, NO.
LOOK, COULD YOU JUST... I DON'T
THINK SHE'S GOING TO SHAVE HER

LOOK, COULD YOU JUST... I DON'T
THINK SHE'S GOING TO SHAVE HER
HEAD.

THINK SHE'S GOING TO SHAVE HER
HEAD.
[LAUGHTER]

HEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, ASK LARAINE.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, ASK LARAINE.
ALL RIGHT.

WELL, ASK LARAINE.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, LOOK, I GOT TO GET BACK

ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, LOOK, I GOT TO GET BACK
DOWN THERE 'CAUSE I'M IN ANOTHER

OKAY, LOOK, I GOT TO GET BACK
DOWN THERE 'CAUSE I'M IN ANOTHER
SKETCH RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

DOWN THERE 'CAUSE I'M IN ANOTHER
SKETCH RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
SEE YOU LATER.

SKETCH RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
SEE YOU LATER.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

SEE YOU LATER.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
YEAH?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]
YEAH?
PAUL'S ON THE LINE WITH THE

YEAH?
PAUL'S ON THE LINE WITH THE
SCRAP-IRON PEOPLE.

PAUL'S ON THE LINE WITH THE
SCRAP-IRON PEOPLE.
THEY MADE AN OFFER FOR THE

SCRAP-IRON PEOPLE.
THEY MADE AN OFFER FOR THE
SUPERTRAIN.

THEY MADE AN OFFER FOR THE
SUPERTRAIN.
[LAUGHTER]

SUPERTRAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, PAUL.

[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, PAUL.
THEY'LL GIVE US $50 A TON?

YEAH, PAUL.
THEY'LL GIVE US $50 A TON?
SO LET'S SEE, THAT'S...

THEY'LL GIVE US $50 A TON?
SO LET'S SEE, THAT'S...
$2,200, WHICH MAKES AN

SO LET'S SEE, THAT'S...
$2,200, WHICH MAKES AN
$11 MILLION LOSS, GIVE OR TAKE A

$2,200, WHICH MAKES AN
$11 MILLION LOSS, GIVE OR TAKE A
COUPLE THOUSAND.

$11 MILLION LOSS, GIVE OR TAKE A
COUPLE THOUSAND.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY DON'T

COUPLE THOUSAND.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY DON'T
WANT THE CABOOSE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY DON'T
WANT THE CABOOSE?
THAT'S THE BEST PART!

WANT THE CABOOSE?
THAT'S THE BEST PART!
I KNOW, I KNOW!

THAT'S THE BEST PART!
I KNOW, I KNOW!
LISTEN, I GOT AN IDEA.

I KNOW, I KNOW!
LISTEN, I GOT AN IDEA.
SEE IF THE CABOOSE CAN FLOAT.

LISTEN, I GOT AN IDEA.
SEE IF THE CABOOSE CAN FLOAT.
I MEAN IT!

SEE IF THE CABOOSE CAN FLOAT.
I MEAN IT!
MAYBE SOMEBODY COULD...

I MEAN IT!
MAYBE SOMEBODY COULD...
NO, WAIT.

MAYBE SOMEBODY COULD...
NO, WAIT.
I GOT IT.

NO, WAIT.
I GOT IT.
WE'LL MAKE IT A SERIES.

I GOT IT.
WE'LL MAKE IT A SERIES.
"CABOOSE CRUISE."

WE'LL MAKE IT A SERIES.
"CABOOSE CRUISE."
EVERY WEEK IT GOES SOMEWHERE

"CABOOSE CRUISE."
EVERY WEEK IT GOES SOMEWHERE
ELSE.

EVERY WEEK IT GOES SOMEWHERE
ELSE.
YES, I'M SERIOUS!

ELSE.
YES, I'M SERIOUS!
WE CAN GIVE IT TO McLEAN.

YES, I'M SERIOUS!
WE CAN GIVE IT TO McLEAN.
WE'LL CALL IT...

WE CAN GIVE IT TO McLEAN.
WE'LL CALL IT...
"AHOY, LARRY."

WE'LL CALL IT...
"AHOY, LARRY."
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

"AHOY, LARRY."
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
EXCUSE ME, PAUL.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]
EXCUSE ME, PAUL.
YEAH?

EXCUSE ME, PAUL.
YEAH?
TOM SNYDER HERE TO SEE YOU,

YEAH?
TOM SNYDER HERE TO SEE YOU,
MR. SILVERMAN.

TOM SNYDER HERE TO SEE YOU,
MR. SILVERMAN.
I'M NOT HERE!

MR. SILVERMAN.
I'M NOT HERE!
DOES HE KNOW I'M IN?

I'M NOT HERE!
DOES HE KNOW I'M IN?
FREDDY?

DOES HE KNOW I'M IN?
FREDDY?
I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN, AND

FREDDY?
I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN, AND
I KNOW YOU GOT GOOD REASONS WHY

I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN, AND
I KNOW YOU GOT GOOD REASONS WHY
YOU HAVEN'T RETURNED MY CALLS.

I KNOW YOU GOT GOOD REASONS WHY
YOU HAVEN'T RETURNED MY CALLS.
WE'RE ALL BUSY, RIGHT?

YOU HAVEN'T RETURNED MY CALLS.
WE'RE ALL BUSY, RIGHT?
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE CALLS I

WE'RE ALL BUSY, RIGHT?
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE CALLS I
DON'T RETURN.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE CALLS I
DON'T RETURN.
[LAUGHS]

DON'T RETURN.
[LAUGHS]
FREDDY, I UNDERSTAND THROUGH MY

[LAUGHS]
FREDDY, I UNDERSTAND THROUGH MY
STAGE MANAGER, SHELLY SCHWARTZ,

FREDDY, I UNDERSTAND THROUGH MY
STAGE MANAGER, SHELLY SCHWARTZ,
THAT YOU'RE MOVING ME TO

STAGE MANAGER, SHELLY SCHWARTZ,
THAT YOU'RE MOVING ME TO
10:00 P.M. FRIDAY NIGHT!

THAT YOU'RE MOVING ME TO
10:00 P.M. FRIDAY NIGHT!
THAT'S RIGHT.

10:00 P.M. FRIDAY NIGHT!
THAT'S RIGHT.
UH, IT'S TO GET A BIGGER SHARE

THAT'S RIGHT.
UH, IT'S TO GET A BIGGER SHARE
OF THE AUDIENCE.

UH, IT'S TO GET A BIGGER SHARE
OF THE AUDIENCE.
YOU'LL BE PREMIERING AFTER A

OF THE AUDIENCE.
YOU'LL BE PREMIERING AFTER A
SPECIAL TWO-HOUR "HELLO, LARRY."

YOU'LL BE PREMIERING AFTER A
SPECIAL TWO-HOUR "HELLO, LARRY."
FREDDY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN,

SPECIAL TWO-HOUR "HELLO, LARRY."
FREDDY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN,
SIR.

FREDDY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN,
SIR.
WHAT CAN I SAY, SIR?

SIR.
WHAT CAN I SAY, SIR?
IF I WERE WEARING A HAT, I'D

WHAT CAN I SAY, SIR?
IF I WERE WEARING A HAT, I'D
TAKE IT OFF, I'D GIVE IT TO YOU.

IF I WERE WEARING A HAT, I'D
TAKE IT OFF, I'D GIVE IT TO YOU.
I'M SORRY ABOUT BARGING IN LIKE

TAKE IT OFF, I'D GIVE IT TO YOU.
I'M SORRY ABOUT BARGING IN LIKE
THIS.

I'M SORRY ABOUT BARGING IN LIKE
THIS.
I'LL BE SEEING AT 10:00 FRIDAY,

THIS.
I'LL BE SEEING AT 10:00 FRIDAY,
9:00 CENTRAL TIME.

I'LL BE SEEING AT 10:00 FRIDAY,
9:00 CENTRAL TIME.
FROM ALL OF US ON THE PRIME-TIME

9:00 CENTRAL TIME.
FROM ALL OF US ON THE PRIME-TIME
SHIFT, GOOD NIGHT, SIR, THANKS A

FROM ALL OF US ON THE PRIME-TIME
SHIFT, GOOD NIGHT, SIR, THANKS A
LOT, AND I LOVE YOU, AND I'M NOT

SHIFT, GOOD NIGHT, SIR, THANKS A
LOT, AND I LOVE YOU, AND I'M NOT
GONNA DO YOU WRONG!

LOT, AND I LOVE YOU, AND I'M NOT
GONNA DO YOU WRONG!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GONNA DO YOU WRONG!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LISTEN, LARRY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LISTEN, LARRY!
LARRY, I'M SORRY, LISTEN, I'VE

LISTEN, LARRY!
LARRY, I'M SORRY, LISTEN, I'VE
GOTTA HANG UP.

LARRY, I'M SORRY, LISTEN, I'VE
GOTTA HANG UP.
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS COMING

GOTTA HANG UP.
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS COMING
ON THE SCREEN.

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS COMING
ON THE SCREEN.
UH, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE OPENING

ON THE SCREEN.
UH, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE OPENING
YET.

UH, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE OPENING
YET.
I MISSED IT.

YET.
I MISSED IT.
HERE.

I MISSED IT.
HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.

HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, OKAY. GOODBYE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, OKAY. GOODBYE.
I'LL JUST GO IN AND SEE IF THE

YEAH, OKAY. GOODBYE.
I'LL JUST GO IN AND SEE IF THE
DOCTOR'S READY.

I'LL JUST GO IN AND SEE IF THE
DOCTOR'S READY.
THANK YOU.

DOCTOR'S READY.
THANK YOU.
BABE, I THINK SHE'S HOT

THANK YOU.
BABE, I THINK SHE'S HOT
WITH THAT SWEATER ON.

BABE, I THINK SHE'S HOT
WITH THAT SWEATER ON.
SHE'S JUST FINE.

WITH THAT SWEATER ON.
SHE'S JUST FINE.
SHE'LL KEEP HER SWEATER ON.

THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU
NOW.
OH, THANK YOU.

NOW.
OH, THANK YOU.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.

OH, THANK YOU.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
COLLEEN, YOU WANT TO SIT HERE?

COME ON, SWEETHEART.
COLLEEN, YOU WANT TO SIT HERE?
NO, I THINK SHE WANTS TO SIT

COLLEEN, YOU WANT TO SIT HERE?
NO, I THINK SHE WANTS TO SIT
HERE.

NO, I THINK SHE WANTS TO SIT
HERE.
SHE'D RATHER SIT HERE.

HERE.
SHE'D RATHER SIT HERE.
NO, HONEY, WHAT ABOUT THIS

SHE'D RATHER SIT HERE.
NO, HONEY, WHAT ABOUT THIS
ONE RIGHT HERE?

NO, HONEY, WHAT ABOUT THIS
ONE RIGHT HERE?
SHE'D RATHER SIT RIGHT THERE.

ONE RIGHT HERE?
SHE'D RATHER SIT RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT HERE.

SHE'D RATHER SIT RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT HERE.
SHE'D RATHER SIT RIGHT...

RIGHT HERE.
SHE'D RATHER SIT RIGHT...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'D RATHER SIT RIGHT...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
HI.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
HI.
YOU MUST BE THE FERNSTONES.

HI.
YOU MUST BE THE FERNSTONES.
THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU MUST BE THE FERNSTONES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I AM MEG FERNSTONE, AND THIS IS

THAT'S RIGHT.
I AM MEG FERNSTONE, AND THIS IS
MY HUSBAND, MARK.

I AM MEG FERNSTONE, AND THIS IS
MY HUSBAND, MARK.
AND YOU MUST BE LITTLE

MY HUSBAND, MARK.
AND YOU MUST BE LITTLE
COLLEEN.

AND YOU MUST BE LITTLE
COLLEEN.
WAIT A SECOND.

COLLEEN.
WAIT A SECOND.
IS THIS A JOKE OR SOMETHING?

WAIT A SECOND.
IS THIS A JOKE OR SOMETHING?
WHERE'S DR. SCHIFFMAN?

IS THIS A JOKE OR SOMETHING?
WHERE'S DR. SCHIFFMAN?
I'M DR. SCHIFFMAN.

WHERE'S DR. SCHIFFMAN?
I'M DR. SCHIFFMAN.
BUT YOU'RE JUST A KID.

I'M DR. SCHIFFMAN.
BUT YOU'RE JUST A KID.
YES, MARK, THAT'S TRUE, I AM

BUT YOU'RE JUST A KID.
YES, MARK, THAT'S TRUE, I AM
A CHILD, BUT I'M ALSO A

YES, MARK, THAT'S TRUE, I AM
A CHILD, BUT I'M ALSO A
PSYCHIATRIST, AND A GOOD ONE.

A CHILD, BUT I'M ALSO A
PSYCHIATRIST, AND A GOOD ONE.
WHAT THE HELL?

PSYCHIATRIST, AND A GOOD ONE.
WHAT THE HELL?
NOW, LISTEN, I KNEW THAT IF I

WHAT THE HELL?
NOW, LISTEN, I KNEW THAT IF I
TOLD YOU BEFOREHAND, YOU WOULD

NOW, LISTEN, I KNEW THAT IF I
TOLD YOU BEFOREHAND, YOU WOULD
COME UP WITH A BUNCH OF BOGUS

TOLD YOU BEFOREHAND, YOU WOULD
COME UP WITH A BUNCH OF BOGUS
REASONS FOR NOT COMING.

COME UP WITH A BUNCH OF BOGUS
REASONS FOR NOT COMING.
THIS IS CRAZY.

REASONS FOR NOT COMING.
THIS IS CRAZY.
COLLEEN WON'T STAND FOR IT, WILL

THIS IS CRAZY.
COLLEEN WON'T STAND FOR IT, WILL
YOU, COLLEEN?

COLLEEN WON'T STAND FOR IT, WILL
YOU, COLLEEN?
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

YOU, COLLEEN?
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
WE'RE LEAVING.

IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
WE'RE LEAVING.
NO, WE'RE NOT LEAVING.

WE'RE LEAVING.
NO, WE'RE NOT LEAVING.
WE'RE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE.

NO, WE'RE NOT LEAVING.
WE'RE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE.
I THINK WE'RE GONNA LEAVE.

WE'RE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE.
I THINK WE'RE GONNA LEAVE.
WE'RE GOING TO STAY RIGHT

I THINK WE'RE GONNA LEAVE.
WE'RE GOING TO STAY RIGHT
HERE.

WE'RE GOING TO STAY RIGHT
HERE.
COLLEEN WANTS TO STAY HERE!

HERE.
COLLEEN WANTS TO STAY HERE!
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REACTION,

COLLEEN WANTS TO STAY HERE!
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REACTION,
MARK.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR REACTION,
MARK.
I GET IT A LOT.

MARK.
I GET IT A LOT.
BUT AFTER ALL, WHO'S BETTER

I GET IT A LOT.
BUT AFTER ALL, WHO'S BETTER
QUALIFIED TO KNOW THE MIND OF A

BUT AFTER ALL, WHO'S BETTER
QUALIFIED TO KNOW THE MIND OF A
CHILD THAN ANOTHER CHILD?

QUALIFIED TO KNOW THE MIND OF A
CHILD THAN ANOTHER CHILD?
AND IF IT'S CREDENTIALS YOU'RE

CHILD THAN ANOTHER CHILD?
AND IF IT'S CREDENTIALS YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR, LET ME ASSURE YOU

AND IF IT'S CREDENTIALS YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR, LET ME ASSURE YOU
THAT I'M FULLY QUALIFIED.

LOOKING FOR, LET ME ASSURE YOU
THAT I'M FULLY QUALIFIED.
DR. SCHIFFMAN HAS AN HONORARY

THAT I'M FULLY QUALIFIED.
DR. SCHIFFMAN HAS AN HONORARY
PhD FROM JOHNS HOPKINS.

DR. SCHIFFMAN HAS AN HONORARY
PhD FROM JOHNS HOPKINS.
WE'RE VERY LUCKY TO GET HER.

PhD FROM JOHNS HOPKINS.
WE'RE VERY LUCKY TO GET HER.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE OF

WE'RE VERY LUCKY TO GET HER.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE OF
CONFIDENCE, MEG.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE OF
CONFIDENCE, MEG.
YOU KNOW, MARK, IT'S UNFORTUNATE

CONFIDENCE, MEG.
YOU KNOW, MARK, IT'S UNFORTUNATE
YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH MY TWO

YOU KNOW, MARK, IT'S UNFORTUNATE
YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH MY TWO
BOOKS... "I'M 5, YOU'RE 5," AND

YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH MY TWO
BOOKS... "I'M 5, YOU'RE 5," AND
"NOW WE'RE ALL 6."

BOOKS... "I'M 5, YOU'RE 5," AND
"NOW WE'RE ALL 6."
OH, GREAT, THE BABY WROTE A

"NOW WE'RE ALL 6."
OH, GREAT, THE BABY WROTE A
BOOK.

OH, GREAT, THE BABY WROTE A
BOOK.
I'M NOT A BABY!

BOOK.
I'M NOT A BABY!
I KNOW HOW COLLEEN FEELS,

I'M NOT A BABY!
I KNOW HOW COLLEEN FEELS,
MARK, AND I CANNOT HELP BUT

I KNOW HOW COLLEEN FEELS,
MARK, AND I CANNOT HELP BUT
AGREE WITH HER THIS TIME.

MARK, AND I CANNOT HELP BUT
AGREE WITH HER THIS TIME.
NOW, WE ARE HERE, WE ARE PAYING

AGREE WITH HER THIS TIME.
NOW, WE ARE HERE, WE ARE PAYING
FOR THIS SESSION ANYWAY, AND WE

NOW, WE ARE HERE, WE ARE PAYING
FOR THIS SESSION ANYWAY, AND WE
ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO WHAT

FOR THIS SESSION ANYWAY, AND WE
ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO WHAT
DR. SCHIFFMAN HAS TO SAY.

ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO WHAT
DR. SCHIFFMAN HAS TO SAY.
NOW, TO ME, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT

DR. SCHIFFMAN HAS TO SAY.
NOW, TO ME, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT
YOUR COLLEEN IS AUTISTIC.

NOW, TO ME, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT
YOUR COLLEEN IS AUTISTIC.
WELL, SO WHAT?

YOUR COLLEEN IS AUTISTIC.
WELL, SO WHAT?
EINSTEIN DIDN'T EVEN SPEAK UNTIL

WELL, SO WHAT?
EINSTEIN DIDN'T EVEN SPEAK UNTIL
HE WAS 3 YEARS OLD.

EINSTEIN DIDN'T EVEN SPEAK UNTIL
HE WAS 3 YEARS OLD.
FACE IT, BOTH OF YOU.

HE WAS 3 YEARS OLD.
FACE IT, BOTH OF YOU.
SHE'S VEGGED OUT.

FACE IT, BOTH OF YOU.
SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
I MEAN... FRANKLY, I'VE SEEN

SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
I MEAN... FRANKLY, I'VE SEEN
ACORN SQUASH WITH MORE

I MEAN... FRANKLY, I'VE SEEN
ACORN SQUASH WITH MORE
PERSONALITY.

ACORN SQUASH WITH MORE
PERSONALITY.
[LAUGHS]

PERSONALITY.
[LAUGHS]
LISTEN, WITH YOUR PERMISSION,

[LAUGHS]
LISTEN, WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
I'D LIKE TO TRY SOMETHING THAT

LISTEN, WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
I'D LIKE TO TRY SOMETHING THAT
MIGHT DRAW COLLEEN OUT.

I'D LIKE TO TRY SOMETHING THAT
MIGHT DRAW COLLEEN OUT.
AS BASICALLY A FORM OF NONVERBAL

MIGHT DRAW COLLEEN OUT.
AS BASICALLY A FORM OF NONVERBAL
EXPRESSION IN WHICH A PATIENT

AS BASICALLY A FORM OF NONVERBAL
EXPRESSION IN WHICH A PATIENT
ACTS OUT FEELINGS THAT THEY WILL

EXPRESSION IN WHICH A PATIENT
ACTS OUT FEELINGS THAT THEY WILL
OTHERWISE OPPRESS, OKAY?

ACTS OUT FEELINGS THAT THEY WILL
OTHERWISE OPPRESS, OKAY?
FINE.

OTHERWISE OPPRESS, OKAY?
FINE.
GO AHEAD, DR. SCHIFFMAN.

FINE.
GO AHEAD, DR. SCHIFFMAN.
ALL RIGHT, COLLEEN.

GO AHEAD, DR. SCHIFFMAN.
ALL RIGHT, COLLEEN.
THIS IS A FUN GAME THAT YOU GET

ALL RIGHT, COLLEEN.
THIS IS A FUN GAME THAT YOU GET
TO PLAY ALL BY YOURSELF.

THIS IS A FUN GAME THAT YOU GET
TO PLAY ALL BY YOURSELF.
NOW, COLLEEN, I WANT YOU TO GO

TO PLAY ALL BY YOURSELF.
NOW, COLLEEN, I WANT YOU TO GO
TO THE PLAY AREA AND PICK OUT A

NOW, COLLEEN, I WANT YOU TO GO
TO THE PLAY AREA AND PICK OUT A
MOMMY DOLL.

MM, VERY GOOD.
UH-HUH.
OKAY, NOW, GO CHOOSE A DADDY

UH-HUH.
OKAY, NOW, GO CHOOSE A DADDY
DOLL.

UH-HUH.
INTERESTING.
OKAY, AND NOW, A COLLEEN DOLL.

[LAUGHTER]
UH-HUH, VERY REVEALING.
OKAY, COLLEEN, YOU CAN SIT DOWN

UH-HUH, VERY REVEALING.
OKAY, COLLEEN, YOU CAN SIT DOWN
NOW.

OKAY, COLLEEN, YOU CAN SIT DOWN
NOW.
MEG, DID YOU SEE THAT?

NOW.
MEG, DID YOU SEE THAT?
COLLEEN CHOSE A COMMON OBJECT TO

MEG, DID YOU SEE THAT?
COLLEEN CHOSE A COMMON OBJECT TO
REPRESENT HERSELF... A COMMON

COLLEEN CHOSE A COMMON OBJECT TO
REPRESENT HERSELF... A COMMON
HOUSEHOLD OBJECT.

REPRESENT HERSELF... A COMMON
HOUSEHOLD OBJECT.
WHY?

HOUSEHOLD OBJECT.
WHY?
IS IT BECAUSE WE TREAT HER

WHY?
IS IT BECAUSE WE TREAT HER
LIKE AN OBJECT?

IS IT BECAUSE WE TREAT HER
LIKE AN OBJECT?
BECAUSE WHY?

LIKE AN OBJECT?
BECAUSE WHY?
MAYBE BECAUSE WE'RE TOO

BECAUSE WHY?
MAYBE BECAUSE WE'RE TOO
WRAPPED UP IN OUR OWN PROBLEMS

MAYBE BECAUSE WE'RE TOO
WRAPPED UP IN OUR OWN PROBLEMS
TO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HER.

WRAPPED UP IN OUR OWN PROBLEMS
TO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HER.
EXACTLY.

TO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HER.
EXACTLY.
THAT'S VERY ASTUTE.

EXACTLY.
THAT'S VERY ASTUTE.
NOW, I HAVE TO GO TO THE

THAT'S VERY ASTUTE.
NOW, I HAVE TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM.

NOW, I HAVE TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM.
NOT YET, DOCTOR, PLEASE.

BATHROOM.
NOT YET, DOCTOR, PLEASE.
I THINK WE'RE FINALLY GETTING

NOT YET, DOCTOR, PLEASE.
I THINK WE'RE FINALLY GETTING
SOMEWHERE.

I THINK WE'RE FINALLY GETTING
SOMEWHERE.
OKAY.

SOMEWHERE.
OKAY.
WELL, YOU SEE, COLLEEN IS TORN

OKAY.
WELL, YOU SEE, COLLEEN IS TORN
BETWEEN THE CONFLICTING FORCES

WELL, YOU SEE, COLLEEN IS TORN
BETWEEN THE CONFLICTING FORCES
OF BOTH OF YOUR PERSONALITIES,

BETWEEN THE CONFLICTING FORCES
OF BOTH OF YOUR PERSONALITIES,
THUS SHE FEELS CANCELED OUT AND

OF BOTH OF YOUR PERSONALITIES,
THUS SHE FEELS CANCELED OUT AND
NEGATED.

THUS SHE FEELS CANCELED OUT AND
NEGATED.
SHE'LL NEVER BE NORMAL UNTIL YOU

NEGATED.
SHE'LL NEVER BE NORMAL UNTIL YOU
BOTH LEAVE HER THE SPACE TO

SHE'LL NEVER BE NORMAL UNTIL YOU
BOTH LEAVE HER THE SPACE TO
ASSERT HER OWN AUTONOMY.

BOTH LEAVE HER THE SPACE TO
ASSERT HER OWN AUTONOMY.
NOW CAN I GO?

ASSERT HER OWN AUTONOMY.
NOW CAN I GO?
PLEASE TRY TO HOLD IT IN,

NOW CAN I GO?
PLEASE TRY TO HOLD IT IN,
DOCTOR.

PLEASE TRY TO HOLD IT IN,
DOCTOR.
UH, MARK, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT

DOCTOR.
UH, MARK, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT
WE'VE BEEN DOING TO COLLEEN?

UH, MARK, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT
WE'VE BEEN DOING TO COLLEEN?
I DO.

WE'VE BEEN DOING TO COLLEEN?
I DO.
I DO.

I DO.
I DO.
I DO.

I DO.
I DO.
I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN ARGUING

I DO.
I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN ARGUING
THROUGH HER AT EACH OTHER.

I MEAN, WE HAVE BEEN ARGUING
THROUGH HER AT EACH OTHER.
I SEE IT, I SEE IT.

THROUGH HER AT EACH OTHER.
I SEE IT, I SEE IT.
OH, HONEY, I NEVER WANTED TO

I SEE IT, I SEE IT.
OH, HONEY, I NEVER WANTED TO
ARGUE.

OH, HONEY, I NEVER WANTED TO
ARGUE.
I GUESS I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW

ARGUE.
I GUESS I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW
ELSE TO REACH YOU.

I GUESS I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW
ELSE TO REACH YOU.
DARLING, LET'S NEVER GET THIS

ELSE TO REACH YOU.
DARLING, LET'S NEVER GET THIS
FAR APART AGAIN.

DARLING, LET'S NEVER GET THIS
FAR APART AGAIN.
NO.

FAR APART AGAIN.
NO.
OKAY?

NO.
OKAY?
WELL, UH, I THINK WE MADE A

OKAY?
WELL, UH, I THINK WE MADE A
LOT OF PROGRESS.

WELL, UH, I THINK WE MADE A
LOT OF PROGRESS.
WE'LL HAVE TO STOP NOW, THOUGH.

LOT OF PROGRESS.
WE'LL HAVE TO STOP NOW, THOUGH.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

WE'LL HAVE TO STOP NOW, THOUGH.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK,
OKAY?

I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK,
OKAY?
BYE, COLLEEN.

BYE, COLLEEN.
MRS. DICKENS?
YES, DR. SCHIFFMAN?

MRS. DICKENS?
YES, DR. SCHIFFMAN?
I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

YES, DR. SCHIFFMAN?
I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
HURRY!

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
HURRY!
IT'S COMING OUT!

HURRY!
IT'S COMING OUT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DELBERT McCLINTON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DELBERT McCLINTON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["B MOVIE BOXCAR BLUES" PLAYS]

♪ CAUGHT A RIDE INTO
SOUTH DAKOTA WITH TWO GIRLS IN
A LIGHT BLUE DESOTO ♪

SOUTH DAKOTA WITH TWO GIRLS IN
A LIGHT BLUE DESOTO ♪
♪ ONE'S NAME WAS JANE, THE OTHER

A LIGHT BLUE DESOTO ♪
♪ ONE'S NAME WAS JANE, THE OTHER
WAS PLAIN, BUT THEY BOTH HAD

♪ ONE'S NAME WAS JANE, THE OTHER
WAS PLAIN, BUT THEY BOTH HAD
RACING MOTORS ♪

WAS PLAIN, BUT THEY BOTH HAD
RACING MOTORS ♪
♪ NEXT I CAUGHT A RIDE WITH A

RACING MOTORS ♪
♪ NEXT I CAUGHT A RIDE WITH A
GAMBLER'S WIFE ♪

♪ NEXT I CAUGHT A RIDE WITH A
GAMBLER'S WIFE ♪
♪ SHE HAD A BRAND-NEW LAID-DOWN

GAMBLER'S WIFE ♪
♪ SHE HAD A BRAND-NEW LAID-DOWN
RAMBLER ♪

♪ SHE HAD A BRAND-NEW LAID-DOWN
RAMBLER ♪
♪ SHE STOPPED OUTSIDE OF TOWN,

RAMBLER ♪
♪ SHE STOPPED OUTSIDE OF TOWN,
LAID HER RAMBLER DOWN, SAID SHE

♪ SHE STOPPED OUTSIDE OF TOWN,
LAID HER RAMBLER DOWN, SAID SHE
SURE COULD DIG IT IF I RODE

LAID HER RAMBLER DOWN, SAID SHE
SURE COULD DIG IT IF I RODE
HER ♪

SURE COULD DIG IT IF I RODE
HER ♪
♪ SAID SHE SURE COULD DIG IT

HER ♪
♪ SAID SHE SURE COULD DIG IT
IF I RODE HER ♪

♪ SAID SHE SURE COULD DIG IT
IF I RODE HER ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK

IF I RODE HER ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHIN' I'D RATHER DO ♪

TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHIN' I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY ♪

♪ AIN'T NOTHIN' I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY ♪
♪ I'M GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪

♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY ♪
♪ I'M GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST

♪ I'M GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪

♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, A LITTLE SOMETHIN'

FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, A LITTLE SOMETHIN'
SPECIAL JUST FOR YOU ♪

♪ AT A TRUCK STOP FOR TOOTHPICK
AND WATER ♪
♪ CAUGHT A RIDE WITH A FRUIT

AND WATER ♪
♪ CAUGHT A RIDE WITH A FRUIT
PICKER'S DAUGHTER ♪

♪ CAUGHT A RIDE WITH A FRUIT
PICKER'S DAUGHTER ♪
♪ I DROVE HER THROUGH THE NIGHT,

PICKER'S DAUGHTER ♪
♪ I DROVE HER THROUGH THE NIGHT,
WHILE THE FRUIT GOT RIPE ♪

♪ I DROVE HER THROUGH THE NIGHT,
WHILE THE FRUIT GOT RIPE ♪
♪ SHE GAVE ME ALL I COULD EAT

WHILE THE FRUIT GOT RIPE ♪
♪ SHE GAVE ME ALL I COULD EAT
FOR A QUARTER ♪

♪ SHE GAVE ME ALL I COULD EAT
FOR A QUARTER ♪
♪ NEXT I HOPPED A TRAIN WITH A

FOR A QUARTER ♪
♪ NEXT I HOPPED A TRAIN WITH A
HOBO WOMAN ♪

♪ NEXT I HOPPED A TRAIN WITH A
HOBO WOMAN ♪
♪ SAID SHE WAS FROM TEXAS, TOO ♪

HOBO WOMAN ♪
♪ SAID SHE WAS FROM TEXAS, TOO ♪
♪ THE WAY SHE DID WHAT SHE DID

♪ SAID SHE WAS FROM TEXAS, TOO ♪
♪ THE WAY SHE DID WHAT SHE DID
WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID TO

♪ THE WAY SHE DID WHAT SHE DID
WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID TO
ME MADE ME THINK OF YOU ♪

WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID TO
ME MADE ME THINK OF YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, HONEY, MADE ME THINK OF

ME MADE ME THINK OF YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, HONEY, MADE ME THINK OF
YOU ♪

♪ YEAH, HONEY, MADE ME THINK OF
YOU ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK

YOU ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHIN' I'D RATHER DO ♪

TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHIN' I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY ♪

♪ AIN'T NOTHIN' I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY ♪
♪ I'M GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪

♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY ♪
♪ I'M GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHIN' SPECIAL JUST

♪ I'M GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHIN' SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪

♪ WITH SOMETHIN' SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, A LITTLE SOMETHIN'

FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, A LITTLE SOMETHIN'
SPECIAL JUST FOR YOU ♪

♪ I BET ALL MY MONEY ON A RACE
HORSE, BABY ♪
♪ ONE THEY SAID CAN'T LOSE ♪

HORSE, BABY ♪
♪ ONE THEY SAID CAN'T LOSE ♪
♪ NOW I'M WALKING DOWN HERE

♪ ONE THEY SAID CAN'T LOSE ♪
♪ NOW I'M WALKING DOWN HERE
IN THE FREEZING RAIN, TRYING TO

♪ NOW I'M WALKING DOWN HERE
IN THE FREEZING RAIN, TRYING TO
GET TO YOU ♪

IN THE FREEZING RAIN, TRYING TO
GET TO YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, TRYING TO GET TO YOU ♪

GET TO YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, TRYING TO GET TO YOU ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, TRYING TO GET TO YOU ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I'M DOING EVERYTHING,

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I'M DOING EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW TO DO ♪

♪ I'M DOING EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW TO DO ♪
♪ ME DOWN HERE IN THE FREEZING

EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW TO DO ♪
♪ ME DOWN HERE IN THE FREEZING
RAIN, HONEY, TRYING TO GET TO

♪ ME DOWN HERE IN THE FREEZING
RAIN, HONEY, TRYING TO GET TO
YOU ♪

RAIN, HONEY, TRYING TO GET TO
YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, TRYING TO GET TO YOU ♪

YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, TRYING TO GET TO YOU ♪
♪ EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW TO DO ♪

♪ YEAH, TRYING TO GET TO YOU ♪
♪ EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW TO DO ♪
♪ ME DOWN HERE IN THE FREEZING

♪ EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW TO DO ♪
♪ ME DOWN HERE IN THE FREEZING
RAIN, HONEY, TRYING TO GET TO

♪ ME DOWN HERE IN THE FREEZING
RAIN, HONEY, TRYING TO GET TO
YOU ♪

RAIN, HONEY, TRYING TO GET TO
YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, I'M TRYING TO GET TO

YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, I'M TRYING TO GET TO
YOU ♪

♪ I'M WALKIN' ♪
♪ AND I'M TALKIN' TO MYSELF ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S RAINING, BABY ♪

♪ AND I'M TALKIN' TO MYSELF ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S RAINING, BABY ♪
♪ AND IT'S FREEZIN' ME TO

♪ WELL, IT'S RAINING, BABY ♪
♪ AND IT'S FREEZIN' ME TO
DEATH ♪

♪ AND IT'S FREEZIN' ME TO
DEATH ♪
♪ AND I'M THINKING 'BOUT YOU,

DEATH ♪
♪ AND I'M THINKING 'BOUT YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ AND I'M THINKING 'BOUT YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ YEAH, I'M THINKING 'BOUT YOU,

BABY ♪
♪ YEAH, I'M THINKING 'BOUT YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ YEAH, I'M THINKING 'BOUT YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ THINKING ALL ABOUT YOU, BABY,

BABY ♪
♪ THINKING ALL ABOUT YOU, BABY,
AND THE THINGS YOU DO, BABY ♪

♪ THINKING ALL ABOUT YOU, BABY,
AND THE THINGS YOU DO, BABY ♪
WHOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

COMPULSORY JOGGING REPLACES
BUSSING IN BIRMINGHAM.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON

BUSSING IN BIRMINGHAM.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE," WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE," WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO YOU BY

UPDATE," WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE
NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO YOU BY
EARTH QUAKER OATS, THE HOT

NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO YOU BY
EARTH QUAKER OATS, THE HOT
CEREAL THAT DESTROYED

EARTH QUAKER OATS, THE HOT
CEREAL THAT DESTROYED
SAN FRANCISCO.

CEREAL THAT DESTROYED
SAN FRANCISCO.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS

SAN FRANCISCO.
HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.

HERE ARE ANCHOR PERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.
GOOD EVENING, I'M

JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING, I'M
JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FOR THE

JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FOR THE
SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, P.L.O.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FOR THE
SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, P.L.O.
LEADER YASSER ARAFAT HAS BEEN

SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, P.L.O.
LEADER YASSER ARAFAT HAS BEEN
AWARDED FIRST PRIZE IN THE

LEADER YASSER ARAFAT HAS BEEN
AWARDED FIRST PRIZE IN THE
ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL RINGO STARR

AWARDED FIRST PRIZE IN THE
ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL RINGO STARR
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.

ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL RINGO STARR
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.
HE TURNED DOWN THE PRIZE, WHICH

LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.
HE TURNED DOWN THE PRIZE, WHICH
WAS A WEEKEND IN TEL AVIV.

HE TURNED DOWN THE PRIZE, WHICH
WAS A WEEKEND IN TEL AVIV.
U.N. OBSERVERS AT THE

WAS A WEEKEND IN TEL AVIV.
U.N. OBSERVERS AT THE
SINO-VIETNAM BORDER HAVE WARNED

U.N. OBSERVERS AT THE
SINO-VIETNAM BORDER HAVE WARNED
CHINESE TROOPS THAT THE HURLING

SINO-VIETNAM BORDER HAVE WARNED
CHINESE TROOPS THAT THE HURLING
OF COKE BOTTLES AND JOHN DENVER

CHINESE TROOPS THAT THE HURLING
OF COKE BOTTLES AND JOHN DENVER
RECORDS ON THE BATTLEFIELD IS A

OF COKE BOTTLES AND JOHN DENVER
RECORDS ON THE BATTLEFIELD IS A
DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE RULES OF

RECORDS ON THE BATTLEFIELD IS A
DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE RULES OF
THE GENEVA CONVENTION.

DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE RULES OF
THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
THE FORD MOTOR COMPANY'S PINTO

THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
THE FORD MOTOR COMPANY'S PINTO
DIVISION THIS WEEK DEMONSTRATED

THE FORD MOTOR COMPANY'S PINTO
DIVISION THIS WEEK DEMONSTRATED
ITS NEW PINTO TRACTOR.

DIVISION THIS WEEK DEMONSTRATED
ITS NEW PINTO TRACTOR.
THE FARMERS WHO WITNESSED THE

ITS NEW PINTO TRACTOR.
THE FARMERS WHO WITNESSED THE
DEMONSTRATION SAY IT'S EVERY

THE FARMERS WHO WITNESSED THE
DEMONSTRATION SAY IT'S EVERY
BIT AS EFFECTIVE AS THE PINTO

DEMONSTRATION SAY IT'S EVERY
BIT AS EFFECTIVE AS THE PINTO
MADE FOR FAMILY USE.

BIT AS EFFECTIVE AS THE PINTO
MADE FOR FAMILY USE.
[LAUGHTER]

MADE FOR FAMILY USE.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS COMING MONDAY MORNING, A

[LAUGHTER]
THIS COMING MONDAY MORNING, A
TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN WILL

THIS COMING MONDAY MORNING, A
TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN WILL
ARC ITS WAY ACROSS OUR

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN WILL
ARC ITS WAY ACROSS OUR
HEMISPHERE, THE LAST SUCH

ARC ITS WAY ACROSS OUR
HEMISPHERE, THE LAST SUCH
ECLIPSE THIS CENTURY.

HEMISPHERE, THE LAST SUCH
ECLIPSE THIS CENTURY.
OBSERVERS ARE REMINDED THAT

ECLIPSE THIS CENTURY.
OBSERVERS ARE REMINDED THAT
STARING INTO THE PARTIALLY

OBSERVERS ARE REMINDED THAT
STARING INTO THE PARTIALLY
ECLIPSED SUN WITH THE NAKED EYE

STARING INTO THE PARTIALLY
ECLIPSED SUN WITH THE NAKED EYE
CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS, WARTS,

ECLIPSED SUN WITH THE NAKED EYE
CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS, WARTS,
EXHAUSTION, AND HAIR GROWING IN

CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS, WARTS,
EXHAUSTION, AND HAIR GROWING IN
YOUR PALMS.

EXHAUSTION, AND HAIR GROWING IN
YOUR PALMS.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" SUGGESTS THAT

YOUR PALMS.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" SUGGESTS THAT
YOU DO NOT LOOK AT AN ECLIPSE

"WEEKEND UPDATE" SUGGESTS THAT
YOU DO NOT LOOK AT AN ECLIPSE
UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED.

YOU DO NOT LOOK AT AN ECLIPSE
UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED.
BILL?

UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED.
BILL?
THE LAST AND MOST COMPLETE OF

BILL?
THE LAST AND MOST COMPLETE OF
THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS HAS BEEN

THE LAST AND MOST COMPLETE OF
THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS HAS BEEN
PUBLISHED AND DISCLOSES A CODE

THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS HAS BEEN
PUBLISHED AND DISCLOSES A CODE
OF BEHAVIOR BANNING SEX ANYWHERE

PUBLISHED AND DISCLOSES A CODE
OF BEHAVIOR BANNING SEX ANYWHERE
WITHIN THE WALLS OF JERUSALEM.

OF BEHAVIOR BANNING SEX ANYWHERE
WITHIN THE WALLS OF JERUSALEM.
EXPERTS HAVE DEDUCED THAT THE

WITHIN THE WALLS OF JERUSALEM.
EXPERTS HAVE DEDUCED THAT THE
SCROLL WAS WRITTEN OUTSIDE THE

EXPERTS HAVE DEDUCED THAT THE
SCROLL WAS WRITTEN OUTSIDE THE
WALLS OF JERUSALEM, SINCE A

SCROLL WAS WRITTEN OUTSIDE THE
WALLS OF JERUSALEM, SINCE A
MARGINAL INSCRIPTION READS,

WALLS OF JERUSALEM, SINCE A
MARGINAL INSCRIPTION READS,
"FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL ON RIFKA

MARGINAL INSCRIPTION READS,
"FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL ON RIFKA
AND BRING YOUR OWN GOAT."

"FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL ON RIFKA
AND BRING YOUR OWN GOAT."
[LAUGHTER]

AND BRING YOUR OWN GOAT."
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT WAS SOME WEEK FOR

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT WAS SOME WEEK FOR
NEWS.

WELL, IT WAS SOME WEEK FOR
NEWS.
THIS WEEK'S TOP STORIES... CHINA

NEWS.
THIS WEEK'S TOP STORIES... CHINA
INVADED VIETNAM, LEFTISTS

THIS WEEK'S TOP STORIES... CHINA
INVADED VIETNAM, LEFTISTS
CHALLENGED KHOMEINI IN IRAN,

INVADED VIETNAM, LEFTISTS
CHALLENGED KHOMEINI IN IRAN,
FOREIGN AID TO AFGHANISTAN WAS

CHALLENGED KHOMEINI IN IRAN,
FOREIGN AID TO AFGHANISTAN WAS
CUT, AND THE WEATHER.

FOREIGN AID TO AFGHANISTAN WAS
CUT, AND THE WEATHER.
WE ASKED OUR FRIEND

CUT, AND THE WEATHER.
WE ASKED OUR FRIEND
FATHER SARDUCCI TO SPEAK ON ANY

WE ASKED OUR FRIEND
FATHER SARDUCCI TO SPEAK ON ANY
ONE OF THESE TOP STORIES, AND HE

FATHER SARDUCCI TO SPEAK ON ANY
ONE OF THESE TOP STORIES, AND HE
CHOSE THE WEATHER.

ONE OF THESE TOP STORIES, AND HE
CHOSE THE WEATHER.
SO HERE IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST

CHOSE THE WEATHER.
SO HERE IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST
FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE

SO HERE IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST
FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,

FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

VATICAN NEWSPAPER,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I'M TELLING YOU, THE

THANK YOU.
WELL, I'M TELLING YOU, THE
WEATHER HAS REALLY BEEN

WELL, I'M TELLING YOU, THE
WEATHER HAS REALLY BEEN
SOMETHING.

WEATHER HAS REALLY BEEN
SOMETHING.
IT'S COLD EVERYWHERE.

SOMETHING.
IT'S COLD EVERYWHERE.
TODAY IN ROME, IT WAS 2 DEGREES,

IT'S COLD EVERYWHERE.
TODAY IN ROME, IT WAS 2 DEGREES,
AND THAT'S CELSIUS.

TODAY IN ROME, IT WAS 2 DEGREES,
AND THAT'S CELSIUS.
IT'S ALL THE WAY DOWN TO

AND THAT'S CELSIUS.
IT'S ALL THE WAY DOWN TO
CELSIUS.

IT'S ALL THE WAY DOWN TO
CELSIUS.
THE FOUNTAINS... THEY'RE FROZEN

CELSIUS.
THE FOUNTAINS... THEY'RE FROZEN
AND EVERYTHING.

THE FOUNTAINS... THEY'RE FROZEN
AND EVERYTHING.
DOWN IN NAPLES WAS 15, AND

AND EVERYTHING.
DOWN IN NAPLES WAS 15, AND
THAT'S REALLY COLD FOR NAPOLI

DOWN IN NAPLES WAS 15, AND
THAT'S REALLY COLD FOR NAPOLI
THIS TIME OF YEAR.

THAT'S REALLY COLD FOR NAPOLI
THIS TIME OF YEAR.
DOWN IN REGGIO CALABRIA, HOME OF

THIS TIME OF YEAR.
DOWN IN REGGIO CALABRIA, HOME OF
THE MARCONI SCHOOL OF

DOWN IN REGGIO CALABRIA, HOME OF
THE MARCONI SCHOOL OF
BROADCASTING, MY ALMA MATER, WAS

THE MARCONI SCHOOL OF
BROADCASTING, MY ALMA MATER, WAS
20, AND OVER IN PALERMO WAS

BROADCASTING, MY ALMA MATER, WAS
20, AND OVER IN PALERMO WAS
25... PRETTY NICE...

20, AND OVER IN PALERMO WAS
25... PRETTY NICE...
UP HERE, UP NORTH IN VENICE WAS

25... PRETTY NICE...
UP HERE, UP NORTH IN VENICE WAS
2, TOO.

UP HERE, UP NORTH IN VENICE WAS
2, TOO.
AND THE SISTER CITY OF TRIESTE

2, TOO.
AND THE SISTER CITY OF TRIESTE
WAS ANOTHER 2.

AND THE SISTER CITY OF TRIESTE
WAS ANOTHER 2.
OVER IN MILANO WAS MINUS ONE

WAS ANOTHER 2.
OVER IN MILANO WAS MINUS ONE
DEGREE... COLD.

OVER IN MILANO WAS MINUS ONE
DEGREE... COLD.
AND BOLOGNA WAS 4, BUT IT'S

DEGREE... COLD.
AND BOLOGNA WAS 4, BUT IT'S
CLEAR IN BOLOGNA.

AND BOLOGNA WAS 4, BUT IT'S
CLEAR IN BOLOGNA.
REAL GOOD TIME TO LOOK FOR UFOs.

CLEAR IN BOLOGNA.
REAL GOOD TIME TO LOOK FOR UFOs.
[LAUGHTER]

REAL GOOD TIME TO LOOK FOR UFOs.
[LAUGHTER]
"OOHFOS" WE CALL THEM IN ITALY.

[LAUGHTER]
"OOHFOS" WE CALL THEM IN ITALY.
I ONCE SAW ONE THERE NEAR

"OOHFOS" WE CALL THEM IN ITALY.
I ONCE SAW ONE THERE NEAR
BOLOGNA.

I ONCE SAW ONE THERE NEAR
BOLOGNA.
I WAS DRIVING IN MY CAR FROM

BOLOGNA.
I WAS DRIVING IN MY CAR FROM
ASSISI TO BOLOGNA ON THIS ROAD

I WAS DRIVING IN MY CAR FROM
ASSISI TO BOLOGNA ON THIS ROAD
HERE.

ASSISI TO BOLOGNA ON THIS ROAD
HERE.
AND WAS REALLY SOMETHING.

HERE.
AND WAS REALLY SOMETHING.
FROM NOWHERE, THERE WAS LIKE

AND WAS REALLY SOMETHING.
FROM NOWHERE, THERE WAS LIKE
THESE TWO BRIGHT LIGHTS COMING

FROM NOWHERE, THERE WAS LIKE
THESE TWO BRIGHT LIGHTS COMING
DOWN ON ME, YOU KNOW?

THESE TWO BRIGHT LIGHTS COMING
DOWN ON ME, YOU KNOW?
THEY'RE COMING, AND THEN REAL

DOWN ON ME, YOU KNOW?
THEY'RE COMING, AND THEN REAL
QUICK, JUST ZOOM BY, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE COMING, AND THEN REAL
QUICK, JUST ZOOM BY, YOU KNOW?
IT WAS... WAS REAL SLICK AND

QUICK, JUST ZOOM BY, YOU KNOW?
IT WAS... WAS REAL SLICK AND
LOOKED A LOT LIKE A CORVETTE.

IT WAS... WAS REAL SLICK AND
LOOKED A LOT LIKE A CORVETTE.
[LAUGHTER]

LOOKED A LOT LIKE A CORVETTE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THEN WHEN IT WAS GONE... IT

[LAUGHTER]
BUT THEN WHEN IT WAS GONE... IT
HAPPENED SO QUICK... I SAID TO

BUT THEN WHEN IT WAS GONE... IT
HAPPENED SO QUICK... I SAID TO
MYSELF, "DID I SEE THAT OR NOT?"

HAPPENED SO QUICK... I SAID TO
MYSELF, "DID I SEE THAT OR NOT?"
AND, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT THEY

MYSELF, "DID I SEE THAT OR NOT?"
AND, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT THEY
DO TO YOU.

AND, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT THEY
DO TO YOU.
THEY HAVE, LIKE, THESE RAY GUNS

DO TO YOU.
THEY HAVE, LIKE, THESE RAY GUNS
THAT THEY HAVE WHEN YOU SEE

THEY HAVE, LIKE, THESE RAY GUNS
THAT THEY HAVE WHEN YOU SEE
THEM, AND THEY SHOOT YOU WITH

THAT THEY HAVE WHEN YOU SEE
THEM, AND THEY SHOOT YOU WITH
THEM AND IT MAKES YOU FORGET IF

THEM, AND THEY SHOOT YOU WITH
THEM AND IT MAKES YOU FORGET IF
YOU SAW THEM OR NOT.

THEM AND IT MAKES YOU FORGET IF
YOU SAW THEM OR NOT.
IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE,

YOU SAW THEM OR NOT.
IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE,
PROBABLY YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL

IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE,
PROBABLY YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL
THE TIME.

PROBABLY YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL
THE TIME.
[LAUGHTER]

THE TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I STARTED CARRYING MY

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I STARTED CARRYING MY
CAMERA WITH ME ALL THE TIME,

WELL, I STARTED CARRYING MY
CAMERA WITH ME ALL THE TIME,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE I'M

CAMERA WITH ME ALL THE TIME,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE I'M
COVERED TO TAKE A PICTURE, MAKE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE I'M
COVERED TO TAKE A PICTURE, MAKE
SURE I'M NOT HALLUCINATING NEXT

COVERED TO TAKE A PICTURE, MAKE
SURE I'M NOT HALLUCINATING NEXT
TIME I SEE ONE.

SURE I'M NOT HALLUCINATING NEXT
TIME I SEE ONE.
AND IT WAS YEARS I CARRIED IT

TIME I SEE ONE.
AND IT WAS YEARS I CARRIED IT
AROUND WITH ME, BUT IT FINALLY

AND IT WAS YEARS I CARRIED IT
AROUND WITH ME, BUT IT FINALLY
PAID OFF.

AROUND WITH ME, BUT IT FINALLY
PAID OFF.
WAS ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO.

PAID OFF.
WAS ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO.
I WAS IN LOS ANGELES,

WAS ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO.
I WAS IN LOS ANGELES,
CALIFORNIA... AMERICA... AND I

I WAS IN LOS ANGELES,
CALIFORNIA... AMERICA... AND I
SAW THIS UFO.

CALIFORNIA... AMERICA... AND I
SAW THIS UFO.
I WAS AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE.

SAW THIS UFO.
I WAS AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE.
FORTUNATELY, I HAD MY CAMERA.

I WAS AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE.
FORTUNATELY, I HAD MY CAMERA.
TOOK THIS PICTURE.

FORTUNATELY, I HAD MY CAMERA.
TOOK THIS PICTURE.
CAN YOU... CAN YOU SEE OOHFO?

TOOK THIS PICTURE.
CAN YOU... CAN YOU SEE OOHFO?
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE.

CAN YOU... CAN YOU SEE OOHFO?
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE.
WAS REAL SILVERY LOOKING.

IT'S RIGHT UP THERE.
WAS REAL SILVERY LOOKING.
MY FRIEND... HER NAME IS

WAS REAL SILVERY LOOKING.
MY FRIEND... HER NAME IS
RAINBOW... I'LL NEVER FORGET.

MY FRIEND... HER NAME IS
RAINBOW... I'LL NEVER FORGET.
SHE SAYS TO ME... WE'RE BOTH

RAINBOW... I'LL NEVER FORGET.
SHE SAYS TO ME... WE'RE BOTH
LOOKING AT IT AND SHE SAYS TO

SHE SAYS TO ME... WE'RE BOTH
LOOKING AT IT AND SHE SAYS TO
ME, "LISTEN, ALL OF THE DOGS ARE

LOOKING AT IT AND SHE SAYS TO
ME, "LISTEN, ALL OF THE DOGS ARE
BARKING."

ME, "LISTEN, ALL OF THE DOGS ARE
BARKING."
AND IT WAS TRUE.

BARKING."
AND IT WAS TRUE.
ALL OF THE DOGS WERE BARKING.

AND IT WAS TRUE.
ALL OF THE DOGS WERE BARKING.
IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.

ALL OF THE DOGS WERE BARKING.
IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.
WELL, ANYWAY, IT JUST WENT AWAY,

IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.
WELL, ANYWAY, IT JUST WENT AWAY,
JUST DRIFTED AWAY REAL, REAL

WELL, ANYWAY, IT JUST WENT AWAY,
JUST DRIFTED AWAY REAL, REAL
SLOW LIKE, YOU KNOW?

JUST DRIFTED AWAY REAL, REAL
SLOW LIKE, YOU KNOW?
AND ANYWAY, I TOOK THIS PICTURE.

SLOW LIKE, YOU KNOW?
AND ANYWAY, I TOOK THIS PICTURE.
I HAD IT BLOWN UP.

AND ANYWAY, I TOOK THIS PICTURE.
I HAD IT BLOWN UP.
AND FORTUNATELY, IT CAME OUT

I HAD IT BLOWN UP.
AND FORTUNATELY, IT CAME OUT
PRETTY CLEAR.

AND FORTUNATELY, IT CAME OUT
PRETTY CLEAR.
THIS IS IT.

PRETTY CLEAR.
THIS IS IT.
[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS IT.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S THE GOODYEAR BLIMP.

WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S THE GOODYEAR BLIMP.
THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS.

IT'S THE GOODYEAR BLIMP.
THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS.
WELL, I DID SOME RESEARCH.

THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS.
WELL, I DID SOME RESEARCH.
I CALLED THE GOODYEAR BLIMP

WELL, I DID SOME RESEARCH.
I CALLED THE GOODYEAR BLIMP
PEOPLE, AND THEY TOLD ME THAT

I CALLED THE GOODYEAR BLIMP
PEOPLE, AND THEY TOLD ME THAT
THEIR NEAREST GOODYEAR BLIMP WAS

PEOPLE, AND THEY TOLD ME THAT
THEIR NEAREST GOODYEAR BLIMP WAS
MILES AWAY FROM WHERE I TOOK

THEIR NEAREST GOODYEAR BLIMP WAS
MILES AWAY FROM WHERE I TOOK
THE PICTURE OF THAT UFO.

MILES AWAY FROM WHERE I TOOK
THE PICTURE OF THAT UFO.
THAT'S RIGHT.

THE PICTURE OF THAT UFO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO WHAT I THINK IT IS, LADIES

THAT'S RIGHT.
SO WHAT I THINK IT IS, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, IS THESE

SO WHAT I THINK IT IS, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, IS THESE
SPACESHIPS, FOREIGN ALIENS...

AND GENTLEMEN, IS THESE
SPACESHIPS, FOREIGN ALIENS...
THEY'RE DISGUISING THEIR

SPACESHIPS, FOREIGN ALIENS...
THEY'RE DISGUISING THEIR
SPACESHIPS AS GOODYEAR BLIMPS.

THEY'RE DISGUISING THEIR
SPACESHIPS AS GOODYEAR BLIMPS.
THEY'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR

SPACESHIPS AS GOODYEAR BLIMPS.
THEY'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR
YEARS AND YEARS, SPYING ON US

THEY'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR
YEARS AND YEARS, SPYING ON US
LIKE THIS.

YEARS AND YEARS, SPYING ON US
LIKE THIS.
I FIGURE ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE

LIKE THIS.
I FIGURE ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE
SIGHTINGS OF A GOODYEAR BLIMP

I FIGURE ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE
SIGHTINGS OF A GOODYEAR BLIMP
IS REALLY FLYING SAUCERS.

SIGHTINGS OF A GOODYEAR BLIMP
IS REALLY FLYING SAUCERS.
SO IF YOU EVER DO SEE ONE,

IS REALLY FLYING SAUCERS.
SO IF YOU EVER DO SEE ONE,
PLEASE, CALL YOUR POLICE

SO IF YOU EVER DO SEE ONE,
PLEASE, CALL YOUR POLICE
DEPARTMENT, CALL THE MAYOR OF

PLEASE, CALL YOUR POLICE
DEPARTMENT, CALL THE MAYOR OF
YOUR TOWN, CALL THE PRESIDENT.

DEPARTMENT, CALL THE MAYOR OF
YOUR TOWN, CALL THE PRESIDENT.
EVEN CALL YOUR SENATORS.

YOUR TOWN, CALL THE PRESIDENT.
EVEN CALL YOUR SENATORS.
DON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES.

EVEN CALL YOUR SENATORS.
DON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES.
TOMORROW, WELL, I THINK IT'S

DON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES.
TOMORROW, WELL, I THINK IT'S
GONNA BE A LOT LIKE IT WAS

TOMORROW, WELL, I THINK IT'S
GONNA BE A LOT LIKE IT WAS
TODAY.

GONNA BE A LOT LIKE IT WAS
TODAY.
TODAY WAS 2 IN ROME.

TODAY.
TODAY WAS 2 IN ROME.
TOMORROW'S GONNA BE 2 AGAIN.

TODAY WAS 2 IN ROME.
TOMORROW'S GONNA BE 2 AGAIN.
DOWN IN NAPLES, GOING UP TO 20.

TOMORROW'S GONNA BE 2 AGAIN.
DOWN IN NAPLES, GOING UP TO 20.
AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.

DOWN IN NAPLES, GOING UP TO 20.
AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOW, THERE'S THIS WARM, WARM

WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOW, THERE'S THIS WARM, WARM
SUMMER BREEZE COMING UP FROM

NOW, THERE'S THIS WARM, WARM
SUMMER BREEZE COMING UP FROM
LIBYA, AND IT'S PUSHING UP,

SUMMER BREEZE COMING UP FROM
LIBYA, AND IT'S PUSHING UP,
PUSHING UP TOWARDS ROME, AND

LIBYA, AND IT'S PUSHING UP,
PUSHING UP TOWARDS ROME, AND
THERE'S A COLD FRONT COMING DOWN

PUSHING UP TOWARDS ROME, AND
THERE'S A COLD FRONT COMING DOWN
FROM STUTTGART, COMING RIGHT

THERE'S A COLD FRONT COMING DOWN
FROM STUTTGART, COMING RIGHT
DOWN THIS WAY.

FROM STUTTGART, COMING RIGHT
DOWN THIS WAY.
AND WHEN THIS COLD WINTER WIND

DOWN THIS WAY.
AND WHEN THIS COLD WINTER WIND
MEETS THIS WARM SUMMER BREEZE,

AND WHEN THIS COLD WINTER WIND
MEETS THIS WARM SUMMER BREEZE,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE SPRINGLIKE

MEETS THIS WARM SUMMER BREEZE,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE SPRINGLIKE
WEATHER IN ROME.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SPRINGLIKE
WEATHER IN ROME.
SHOULD LAST A COUPLE OF DAYS,

WEATHER IN ROME.
SHOULD LAST A COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND AFTER THAT, I THINK EITHER

SHOULD LAST A COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND AFTER THAT, I THINK EITHER
IT'S GONNA GET WARMER OR COLDER,

AND AFTER THAT, I THINK EITHER
IT'S GONNA GET WARMER OR COLDER,
DEPENDING ON THE WEATHER.

IT'S GONNA GET WARMER OR COLDER,
DEPENDING ON THE WEATHER.
OKAY, BILL, YOU CAN TAKE IT

DEPENDING ON THE WEATHER.
OKAY, BILL, YOU CAN TAKE IT
BACK.

OKAY, BILL, YOU CAN TAKE IT
BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
A "WEEKEND UPDATE"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
A "WEEKEND UPDATE"
CORRECTION.

A "WEEKEND UPDATE"
CORRECTION.
IN A RECENT NEWS STORY, "WEEKEND

CORRECTION.
IN A RECENT NEWS STORY, "WEEKEND
UPDATE" REPORTED THAT UNITED

IN A RECENT NEWS STORY, "WEEKEND
UPDATE" REPORTED THAT UNITED
NATIONS SECRETARY

UPDATE" REPORTED THAT UNITED
NATIONS SECRETARY
GENERAL KURT WALDHEIM WAS

NATIONS SECRETARY
GENERAL KURT WALDHEIM WAS
SERVING A 20 TO LIFE SENTENCE IN

GENERAL KURT WALDHEIM WAS
SERVING A 20 TO LIFE SENTENCE IN
ATTICA PRISON FOR ARMED ROBBERY,

SERVING A 20 TO LIFE SENTENCE IN
ATTICA PRISON FOR ARMED ROBBERY,
NARCOTICS TRAFFIC, AND MURDER.

ATTICA PRISON FOR ARMED ROBBERY,
NARCOTICS TRAFFIC, AND MURDER.
WELL, WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS

NARCOTICS TRAFFIC, AND MURDER.
WELL, WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS
THAT MR. WALDHEIM IS NOW RUNNING

WELL, WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS
THAT MR. WALDHEIM IS NOW RUNNING
THE BARBER SHOP AND TOWEL

THAT MR. WALDHEIM IS NOW RUNNING
THE BARBER SHOP AND TOWEL
CONCESSION AT PLATO'S RETREAT.

THE BARBER SHOP AND TOWEL
CONCESSION AT PLATO'S RETREAT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, MR. WALDHEIM.

CONCESSION AT PLATO'S RETREAT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, MR. WALDHEIM.
AN NBC NEWS POLL REVEALED THAT

SORRY ABOUT THAT, MR. WALDHEIM.
AN NBC NEWS POLL REVEALED THAT
ALMOST TWICE AS MANY PEOPLE KNOW

AN NBC NEWS POLL REVEALED THAT
ALMOST TWICE AS MANY PEOPLE KNOW
THAT YOU CAN IGNITE FLATULENCE

ALMOST TWICE AS MANY PEOPLE KNOW
THAT YOU CAN IGNITE FLATULENCE
WITH SIMPLE KITCHEN MATCHES THAN

THAT YOU CAN IGNITE FLATULENCE
WITH SIMPLE KITCHEN MATCHES THAN
KNOW THE NAME OF THE NEW

WITH SIMPLE KITCHEN MATCHES THAN
KNOW THE NAME OF THE NEW
RELIGIOUS LEADER OF IRAN.

KNOW THE NAME OF THE NEW
RELIGIOUS LEADER OF IRAN.
INCREDIBLE.

RELIGIOUS LEADER OF IRAN.
INCREDIBLE.
WELL, MARCH 12th WILL BE THE 100

INCREDIBLE.
WELL, MARCH 12th WILL BE THE 100
ANNIVERSARY OF ALBERT EINSTEIN'S

WELL, MARCH 12th WILL BE THE 100
ANNIVERSARY OF ALBERT EINSTEIN'S
BIRTH, AND IN KEEPING WITH

ANNIVERSARY OF ALBERT EINSTEIN'S
BIRTH, AND IN KEEPING WITH
CURRENT SHOW-BUSINESS TRENDS,

BIRTH, AND IN KEEPING WITH
CURRENT SHOW-BUSINESS TRENDS,
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES ARE

CURRENT SHOW-BUSINESS TRENDS,
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES ARE
BOOKING ALBERT MANIA, WHICH

COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES ARE
BOOKING ALBERT MANIA, WHICH
FEATURES AN EINSTEIN IMITATOR

BOOKING ALBERT MANIA, WHICH
FEATURES AN EINSTEIN IMITATOR
FOR LECTURES AND SEMINARS.

FEATURES AN EINSTEIN IMITATOR
FOR LECTURES AND SEMINARS.
ACCORDING TO A NUMBER OF FACULTY

FOR LECTURES AND SEMINARS.
ACCORDING TO A NUMBER OF FACULTY
HEADS, THEY AREN'T THE REAL

ACCORDING TO A NUMBER OF FACULTY
HEADS, THEY AREN'T THE REAL
FORMULAS, BUT AN INCREDIBLE

HEADS, THEY AREN'T THE REAL
FORMULAS, BUT AN INCREDIBLE
SIMULATION.

FORMULAS, BUT AN INCREDIBLE
SIMULATION.
JANE?

SIMULATION.
JANE?
ONE OF THE HOTTEST TICKETS

JANE?
ONE OF THE HOTTEST TICKETS
IN NEW YORK THESE DAYS IS FOR

ONE OF THE HOTTEST TICKETS
IN NEW YORK THESE DAYS IS FOR
THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMUN,

IN NEW YORK THESE DAYS IS FOR
THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMUN,
THE EGYPTIAN KING WHO DIED IN

THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMUN,
THE EGYPTIAN KING WHO DIED IN
1325 B.C.

THE EGYPTIAN KING WHO DIED IN
1325 B.C.
THE ANCIENT RELICS THAT WERE

1325 B.C.
THE ANCIENT RELICS THAT WERE
BURIED WITH THE BOY KING ARE ON

THE ANCIENT RELICS THAT WERE
BURIED WITH THE BOY KING ARE ON
DISPLAY AT THE METROPOLITAN

BURIED WITH THE BOY KING ARE ON
DISPLAY AT THE METROPOLITAN
MUSEUM OF ART.

DISPLAY AT THE METROPOLITAN
MUSEUM OF ART.
AND HERE TO REPORT ON THIS

MUSEUM OF ART.
AND HERE TO REPORT ON THIS
EXHIBITION IS CORRESPONDENT

AND HERE TO REPORT ON THIS
EXHIBITION IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

EXHIBITION IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT, JANE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS A LOT, JANE.
A MR. RICHARD FATTER...

THANKS A LOT, JANE.
A MR. RICHARD FATTER...
A MR. RICHARD FATTER FROM

A MR. RICHARD FATTER...
A MR. RICHARD FATTER FROM
NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS,

A MR. RICHARD FATTER FROM
NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS,
"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,

NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS,
"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,
I KEEP READING ABOUT KING TUT.

"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,
I KEEP READING ABOUT KING TUT.
WHO IS THIS TUT?

I KEEP READING ABOUT KING TUT.
WHO IS THIS TUT?
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THIS

WHO IS THIS TUT?
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THIS
TUT?

WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THIS
TUT?
DID YOU SEE TUT?

TUT?
DID YOU SEE TUT?
SHOULD I SEE TUT?

DID YOU SEE TUT?
SHOULD I SEE TUT?
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS TUT?

SHOULD I SEE TUT?
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS TUT?
DID YOU KNOW THAT "TUT" SPELLED

WHAT KIND OF NAME IS TUT?
DID YOU KNOW THAT "TUT" SPELLED
BACKWARD STILL SPELLS "TUT"?

DID YOU KNOW THAT "TUT" SPELLED
BACKWARD STILL SPELLS "TUT"?
DO YOU THINK THAT TUT WILL EVER

BACKWARD STILL SPELLS "TUT"?
DO YOU THINK THAT TUT WILL EVER
COME TO MY TOWN?

DO YOU THINK THAT TUT WILL EVER
COME TO MY TOWN?
MR. FATTER, THIS KING GOT ENOUGH

COME TO MY TOWN?
MR. FATTER, THIS KING GOT ENOUGH
PROBLEMS BEING DEAD.

MR. FATTER, THIS KING GOT ENOUGH
PROBLEMS BEING DEAD.
DON'T MAKE IT WORSE BY MAKING

PROBLEMS BEING DEAD.
DON'T MAKE IT WORSE BY MAKING
HIM GO TO NEW JERSEY.

DON'T MAKE IT WORSE BY MAKING
HIM GO TO NEW JERSEY.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HIM GO TO NEW JERSEY.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY.
BUT, MR. FATTER, YOU WROTE TO

OKAY.
BUT, MR. FATTER, YOU WROTE TO
THE RIGHT LADY, 'CAUSE I,

BUT, MR. FATTER, YOU WROTE TO
THE RIGHT LADY, 'CAUSE I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WENT TO

THE RIGHT LADY, 'CAUSE I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WENT TO
THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WENT TO
THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART
RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY TO

THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART
RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY TO
SEE THE TUT EXHIBIT.

RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY TO
SEE THE TUT EXHIBIT.
AND I REALLY LEARNED A LOT OF

SEE THE TUT EXHIBIT.
AND I REALLY LEARNED A LOT OF
NEAT THINGS.

AND I REALLY LEARNED A LOT OF
NEAT THINGS.
YOU KNOW, MR, FATTER, THE

NEAT THINGS.
YOU KNOW, MR, FATTER, THE
EGYPTIANS BELIEVED THAT WHEN YOU

YOU KNOW, MR, FATTER, THE
EGYPTIANS BELIEVED THAT WHEN YOU
DIE, YOU'RE NOT REALLY DEAD.

EGYPTIANS BELIEVED THAT WHEN YOU
DIE, YOU'RE NOT REALLY DEAD.
YOU JUST GO TO ANOTHER PLACE.

DIE, YOU'RE NOT REALLY DEAD.
YOU JUST GO TO ANOTHER PLACE.
SO THEY BURIED PEOPLE WITH ALL

YOU JUST GO TO ANOTHER PLACE.
SO THEY BURIED PEOPLE WITH ALL
THEIR STUFF SO THEY DON'T HAVE

SO THEY BURIED PEOPLE WITH ALL
THEIR STUFF SO THEY DON'T HAVE
TO SHOP WHEN THEY GET THERE.

THEIR STUFF SO THEY DON'T HAVE
TO SHOP WHEN THEY GET THERE.
ANYWAYS, THIS KING TUT WAS JUST

TO SHOP WHEN THEY GET THERE.
ANYWAYS, THIS KING TUT WAS JUST
A KID WHEN HE DIED, BUT THEY

ANYWAYS, THIS KING TUT WAS JUST
A KID WHEN HE DIED, BUT THEY
BURIED HIM WITH SOME VERY

A KID WHEN HE DIED, BUT THEY
BURIED HIM WITH SOME VERY
EXPENSIVE POTTERY BOWLS AND SOME

BURIED HIM WITH SOME VERY
EXPENSIVE POTTERY BOWLS AND SOME
RAZZLY-DAZZLY GOLDEN MASKS AND

EXPENSIVE POTTERY BOWLS AND SOME
RAZZLY-DAZZLY GOLDEN MASKS AND
EVEN HIS VERY OWN CUTE, LITTLE,

RAZZLY-DAZZLY GOLDEN MASKS AND
EVEN HIS VERY OWN CUTE, LITTLE,
TEENY-TINY CHAIR.

EVEN HIS VERY OWN CUTE, LITTLE,
TEENY-TINY CHAIR.
BUT THEN I SAID TO MYSELF,

TEENY-TINY CHAIR.
BUT THEN I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF HIS

BUT THEN I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF HIS
TINY CHAIR IS HERE IN THE

"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF HIS
TINY CHAIR IS HERE IN THE
METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART, THAT

TINY CHAIR IS HERE IN THE
METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART, THAT
MEANS THAT LITTLE TUT IS WALKING

METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART, THAT
MEANS THAT LITTLE TUT IS WALKING
AROUND IN THE AFTERLIFE WITH NO

MEANS THAT LITTLE TUT IS WALKING
AROUND IN THE AFTERLIFE WITH NO
PLACE TO SIT DOWN.

AROUND IN THE AFTERLIFE WITH NO
PLACE TO SIT DOWN.
SO HE'S BEEN STANDING AROUND FOR

PLACE TO SIT DOWN.
SO HE'S BEEN STANDING AROUND FOR
3,000 YEARS.

SO HE'S BEEN STANDING AROUND FOR
3,000 YEARS.
SO ANYWAYS, I WAS WALKING AROUND

3,000 YEARS.
SO ANYWAYS, I WAS WALKING AROUND
AND LOOKING AT EVERYTHING, AND

SO ANYWAYS, I WAS WALKING AROUND
AND LOOKING AT EVERYTHING, AND
LIKE IN THIS ONE GLASS CASE,

AND LOOKING AT EVERYTHING, AND
LIKE IN THIS ONE GLASS CASE,
THEY HAD THIS LITTLE KING TUT'S

LIKE IN THIS ONE GLASS CASE,
THEY HAD THIS LITTLE KING TUT'S
FANCY-SCHMANCY GOLD PLATE OR

THEY HAD THIS LITTLE KING TUT'S
FANCY-SCHMANCY GOLD PLATE OR
SOMETHING.

FANCY-SCHMANCY GOLD PLATE OR
SOMETHING.
AND I WAS TRYING TO GET A CLOSER

SOMETHING.
AND I WAS TRYING TO GET A CLOSER
LOOK AT IT, PRESSING MY NOSE UP

AND I WAS TRYING TO GET A CLOSER
LOOK AT IT, PRESSING MY NOSE UP
AGAINST THE GLASS AND FOGGING IT

LOOK AT IT, PRESSING MY NOSE UP
AGAINST THE GLASS AND FOGGING IT
UP WITH MY BREATH AND

AGAINST THE GLASS AND FOGGING IT
UP WITH MY BREATH AND
EVERYTHING, WIPING IT OFF AND

UP WITH MY BREATH AND
EVERYTHING, WIPING IT OFF AND
FOGGING IT UP AGAIN, WHEN I

EVERYTHING, WIPING IT OFF AND
FOGGING IT UP AGAIN, WHEN I
NOTICED MY TONGUE WAS ALL GREEN

FOGGING IT UP AGAIN, WHEN I
NOTICED MY TONGUE WAS ALL GREEN
FROM EATING THIS CLORETS MINT TO

NOTICED MY TONGUE WAS ALL GREEN
FROM EATING THIS CLORETS MINT TO
GIVE ME GOOD BREATH.

FROM EATING THIS CLORETS MINT TO
GIVE ME GOOD BREATH.
AND I KEPT TRYING TO SCRAPE THE

GIVE ME GOOD BREATH.
AND I KEPT TRYING TO SCRAPE THE
GREEN OFF WITH MY TEETH... LIKE

AND I KEPT TRYING TO SCRAPE THE
GREEN OFF WITH MY TEETH... LIKE
THIS, YOU KNOW?

GREEN OFF WITH MY TEETH... LIKE
THIS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE THAT?

THIS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE THAT?
AND THEN MY TEETH GOT GREEN ON

LIKE THAT?
AND THEN MY TEETH GOT GREEN ON
THEM.

AND THEN MY TEETH GOT GREEN ON
THEM.
I TRIED TO SCRAPE THAT.

THEM.
I TRIED TO SCRAPE THAT.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.

I TRIED TO SCRAPE THAT.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
HERE I AM IN THIS RITZY CULTURE

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
HERE I AM IN THIS RITZY CULTURE
MUSEUM WITH A GREEN TONGUE.

HERE I AM IN THIS RITZY CULTURE
MUSEUM WITH A GREEN TONGUE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY MAKES

MUSEUM WITH A GREEN TONGUE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY MAKES
ME SICK?

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY MAKES
ME SICK?
DID YOU EVER LOOK UNDERNEATH

ME SICK?
DID YOU EVER LOOK UNDERNEATH
YOUR TONGUE?

DID YOU EVER LOOK UNDERNEATH
YOUR TONGUE?
IT'S ALL BLUE AND WHITE AND

YOUR TONGUE?
IT'S ALL BLUE AND WHITE AND
PINK AND IT'S REAL SOFT AND

IT'S ALL BLUE AND WHITE AND
PINK AND IT'S REAL SOFT AND
BUMPY, AND IT'S GOT THIS REAL

PINK AND IT'S REAL SOFT AND
BUMPY, AND IT'S GOT THIS REAL
THIN PIECE OF SKIN THAT YOU'RE

BUMPY, AND IT'S GOT THIS REAL
THIN PIECE OF SKIN THAT YOU'RE
ALWAYS AFRAID IS GONNA RIP IF

THIN PIECE OF SKIN THAT YOU'RE
ALWAYS AFRAID IS GONNA RIP IF
YOU OPEN YOUR...

ALWAYS AFRAID IS GONNA RIP IF
YOU OPEN YOUR...
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?!

YOU OPEN YOUR...
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?!
[LAUGHTER]

WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?!
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LOOK, A MAN WRITES IN AND

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LOOK, A MAN WRITES IN AND
ASKS QUESTIONS ABOUT POSSIBLY

LOOK, A MAN WRITES IN AND
ASKS QUESTIONS ABOUT POSSIBLY
THE MOST INCREDIBLE PHENOMENA OF

ASKS QUESTIONS ABOUT POSSIBLY
THE MOST INCREDIBLE PHENOMENA OF
ANY CIVILIZATION, AND YOU START

THE MOST INCREDIBLE PHENOMENA OF
ANY CIVILIZATION, AND YOU START
TALKING ABOUT THE INSIDE OF YOUR

ANY CIVILIZATION, AND YOU START
TALKING ABOUT THE INSIDE OF YOUR
MOUTH.

TALKING ABOUT THE INSIDE OF YOUR
MOUTH.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO

MOUTH.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S

SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S
ANOTHER... IF YOU CAN'T GET

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S
ANOTHER... IF YOU CAN'T GET
TICKETS TO THE TUT EXHIBIT OR

ANOTHER... IF YOU CAN'T GET
TICKETS TO THE TUT EXHIBIT OR
YOU GOT A GREEN TONGUE.

TICKETS TO THE TUT EXHIBIT OR
YOU GOT A GREEN TONGUE.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE FABLE

YOU GOT A GREEN TONGUE.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE FABLE
THAT I USED HEAR BEFORE I WENT

IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE FABLE
THAT I USED HEAR BEFORE I WENT
TO BED AT NIGHT.

THAT I USED HEAR BEFORE I WENT
TO BED AT NIGHT.
IT'S A VERY HAPPY STORY THAT WAS

TO BED AT NIGHT.
IT'S A VERY HAPPY STORY THAT WAS
TOLD TO ME BY MY OPTIMISTIC

IT'S A VERY HAPPY STORY THAT WAS
TOLD TO ME BY MY OPTIMISTIC
AUNT, POLLYANNA ROSANNADANNA.

TOLD TO ME BY MY OPTIMISTIC
AUNT, POLLYANNA ROSANNADANNA.
IT'S CALLED "THE FOX AND THE

AUNT, POLLYANNA ROSANNADANNA.
IT'S CALLED "THE FOX AND THE
GRAPES."

IT'S CALLED "THE FOX AND THE
GRAPES."
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS THIS

GRAPES."
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS THIS
LITTLE FOX, AND ONE DAY, HE SAW

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS THIS
LITTLE FOX, AND ONE DAY, HE SAW
THIS BUNCH OF GRAPES THAT WAS

LITTLE FOX, AND ONE DAY, HE SAW
THIS BUNCH OF GRAPES THAT WAS
HANGING FROM A TREE.

THIS BUNCH OF GRAPES THAT WAS
HANGING FROM A TREE.
WELL, THE FOX JUMPED AND JUMPED

HANGING FROM A TREE.
WELL, THE FOX JUMPED AND JUMPED
AND JUMPED BECAUSE HE WANTED TO

WELL, THE FOX JUMPED AND JUMPED
AND JUMPED BECAUSE HE WANTED TO
EAT THE GRAPES, BUT HE COULDN'T

AND JUMPED BECAUSE HE WANTED TO
EAT THE GRAPES, BUT HE COULDN'T
REACH THEM.

EAT THE GRAPES, BUT HE COULDN'T
REACH THEM.
SO HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT

REACH THEM.
SO HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT
HIMSELF A WOODEN STOOL.

SO HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT
HIMSELF A WOODEN STOOL.
HE PUT IT UNDER THE TREE,

HIMSELF A WOODEN STOOL.
HE PUT IT UNDER THE TREE,
CLIMBED UP ON THE STOOL, AND

HE PUT IT UNDER THE TREE,
CLIMBED UP ON THE STOOL, AND
REACHED UP.

CLIMBED UP ON THE STOOL, AND
REACHED UP.
BUT HE FELL OFF, AND THE LITTLE

REACHED UP.
BUT HE FELL OFF, AND THE LITTLE
FOX DIED.

BUT HE FELL OFF, AND THE LITTLE
FOX DIED.
[LAUGHTER]

FOX DIED.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S A HAPPY STORY?

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S A HAPPY STORY?
IT'S A GREAT STORY, JANE.

THAT'S A HAPPY STORY?
IT'S A GREAT STORY, JANE.
IT'S A CLASSIC.

IT'S A GREAT STORY, JANE.
IT'S A CLASSIC.
'CAUSE WHAT JANE DON'T KNOW IS

IT'S A CLASSIC.
'CAUSE WHAT JANE DON'T KNOW IS
THIS LITTLE FOX JUST HAPPENED TO

'CAUSE WHAT JANE DON'T KNOW IS
THIS LITTLE FOX JUST HAPPENED TO
BE AN EGYPTIAN LITTLE FOX, SO

THIS LITTLE FOX JUST HAPPENED TO
BE AN EGYPTIAN LITTLE FOX, SO
THEY BURIED HIM WITH THE GRAPES

BE AN EGYPTIAN LITTLE FOX, SO
THEY BURIED HIM WITH THE GRAPES
AND THE WOODEN STOOL, AND THEY

THEY BURIED HIM WITH THE GRAPES
AND THE WOODEN STOOL, AND THEY
DIDN'T PUT THAT STOOL IN NO

AND THE WOODEN STOOL, AND THEY
DIDN'T PUT THAT STOOL IN NO
METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF MODERN

DIDN'T PUT THAT STOOL IN NO
METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF MODERN
ART, SO AT LEAST THAT LITTLE FOX

METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF MODERN
ART, SO AT LEAST THAT LITTLE FOX
HAD A PLACE TO SIT DOWN.

ART, SO AT LEAST THAT LITTLE FOX
HAD A PLACE TO SIT DOWN.
"GOODNIGHT, MY LITTLE

HAD A PLACE TO SIT DOWN.
"GOODNIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."

"GOODNIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[RHYTHMIC GRUNTING]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY KAUFMAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY KAUFMAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ I GO MAD, SIMPLY MAD, WHEN I
HEAR A YODEL ♪
♪ AS IT ECHOES IN THE CANYONS

HEAR A YODEL ♪
♪ AS IT ECHOES IN THE CANYONS
CLEAR AND TRUE ♪

♪ AS IT ECHOES IN THE CANYONS
CLEAR AND TRUE ♪
♪ I GO MAD, SIMPLY MAD, WHEN I

CLEAR AND TRUE ♪
♪ I GO MAD, SIMPLY MAD, WHEN I
HEAR A YODEL ♪

♪ I GO MAD, SIMPLY MAD, WHEN I
HEAR A YODEL ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IT REALLY MAKES ME WANT

HEAR A YODEL ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IT REALLY MAKES ME WANT
TO YODEL, TOO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT REALLY MAKES ME WANT
TO YODEL, TOO ♪
[YODELING]

♪ HE GOES MAD, SIMPLY MAD,
WHEN HE HEARS A YODEL ♪
♪ AS IT ECHOES IN THE CANYONS

WHEN HE HEARS A YODEL ♪
♪ AS IT ECHOES IN THE CANYONS
CLEAR AND TRUE ♪

♪ AS IT ECHOES IN THE CANYONS
CLEAR AND TRUE ♪
♪ HE GOES MAD, SIMPLY MAD, WHEN

CLEAR AND TRUE ♪
♪ HE GOES MAD, SIMPLY MAD, WHEN
HE HEARS A YODEL ♪

♪ HE GOES MAD, SIMPLY MAD, WHEN
HE HEARS A YODEL ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IT REALLY MAKES HIM

HE HEARS A YODEL ♪
♪ 'CAUSE IT REALLY MAKES HIM
WANT TO YODEL, TOO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT REALLY MAKES HIM
WANT TO YODEL, TOO ♪
[YODELING]

[YODELING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,
MR. SILVERMAN.
"SUPER LIMO"?

MR. SILVERMAN.
"SUPER LIMO"?
LIKE, LIKE, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

"SUPER LIMO"?
LIKE, LIKE, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
WELL, WE'RE PRETTY HAPPY

LIKE, LIKE, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
WELL, WE'RE PRETTY HAPPY
WITH IT, GARRETT.

WELL, WE'RE PRETTY HAPPY
WITH IT, GARRETT.
UH, "SUPER LIMO"... IT'S A BIG

WITH IT, GARRETT.
UH, "SUPER LIMO"... IT'S A BIG
LIMOUSINE, SO BIG THAT IT TAKES

UH, "SUPER LIMO"... IT'S A BIG
LIMOUSINE, SO BIG THAT IT TAKES
UP TWO SIDES OF THE HIGHWAY.

LIMOUSINE, SO BIG THAT IT TAKES
UP TWO SIDES OF THE HIGHWAY.
OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

UP TWO SIDES OF THE HIGHWAY.
OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
YOU'RE THE DRIVER.

OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
YOU'RE THE DRIVER.
SEE, EVERY WEEK, YOU DRIVE THREE

YOU'RE THE DRIVER.
SEE, EVERY WEEK, YOU DRIVE THREE
CELEBRITIES AROUND HOLLYWOOD.

SEE, EVERY WEEK, YOU DRIVE THREE
CELEBRITIES AROUND HOLLYWOOD.
AND THEY ENTERTAIN YOU BECAUSE

CELEBRITIES AROUND HOLLYWOOD.
AND THEY ENTERTAIN YOU BECAUSE
THEY LOVE YOU.

AND THEY ENTERTAIN YOU BECAUSE
THEY LOVE YOU.
WHAT KIND OF CELEBRITIES?

THEY LOVE YOU.
WHAT KIND OF CELEBRITIES?
WHOEVER'S HOT.

WHAT KIND OF CELEBRITIES?
WHOEVER'S HOT.
ONE WEEK IT MIGHT BE

WHOEVER'S HOT.
ONE WEEK IT MIGHT BE
STEVE LAWRENCE, DON MEREDITH,

ONE WEEK IT MIGHT BE
STEVE LAWRENCE, DON MEREDITH,
CHARLES NELSON REILLY.

STEVE LAWRENCE, DON MEREDITH,
CHARLES NELSON REILLY.
ANOTHER WEEK IT COULD BE

CHARLES NELSON REILLY.
ANOTHER WEEK IT COULD BE
ARTE JOHNSON, RUTH BUZZI,

ANOTHER WEEK IT COULD BE
ARTE JOHNSON, RUTH BUZZI,
JO ANNE WORLEY.

ARTE JOHNSON, RUTH BUZZI,
JO ANNE WORLEY.
YOU KNOW? A THEME SHOW.

JO ANNE WORLEY.
YOU KNOW? A THEME SHOW.
UH, YEAH, WELL, I'LL THINK IT

YOU KNOW? A THEME SHOW.
UH, YEAH, WELL, I'LL THINK IT
OVER, MAN.

UH, YEAH, WELL, I'LL THINK IT
OVER, MAN.
REALLY, GARRETT.

OVER, MAN.
REALLY, GARRETT.
THIS IS A HOT IDEA.

REALLY, GARRETT.
THIS IS A HOT IDEA.
YEAH.

THIS IS A HOT IDEA.
YEAH.
I GIVE YOU MY WORD AS A

YEAH.
I GIVE YOU MY WORD AS A
TELEVISION EXECUTIVE.

I GIVE YOU MY WORD AS A
TELEVISION EXECUTIVE.
WELL, UH, THANK YOU,

TELEVISION EXECUTIVE.
WELL, UH, THANK YOU,
MR. SILVERMAN, THANK YOU.

WELL, UH, THANK YOU,
MR. SILVERMAN, THANK YOU.
I'VE GOT TO BE GOING.

MR. SILVERMAN, THANK YOU.
I'VE GOT TO BE GOING.
I'LL CALL YOU MONDAY.

I'VE GOT TO BE GOING.
I'LL CALL YOU MONDAY.
YEAH, I'LL CHECK YOU OUT,

I'LL CALL YOU MONDAY.
YEAH, I'LL CHECK YOU OUT,
MAN.

YEAH, I'LL CHECK YOU OUT,
MAN.
HI, FREDDY.

MAN.
HI, FREDDY.
KATE, HOW'S IT GOING?

HI, FREDDY.
KATE, HOW'S IT GOING?
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT

KATE, HOW'S IT GOING?
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
GOING TOO BAD.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
GOING TOO BAD.
DID YOU TALK TO LARAINE

GOING TOO BAD.
DID YOU TALK TO LARAINE
ABOUT THE, UH, "MRS. KOJAK"?

DID YOU TALK TO LARAINE
ABOUT THE, UH, "MRS. KOJAK"?
YEAH, WON'T SHAVE HER HEAD.

ABOUT THE, UH, "MRS. KOJAK"?
YEAH, WON'T SHAVE HER HEAD.
WELL, GILDA WILL DO IT.

YEAH, WON'T SHAVE HER HEAD.
WELL, GILDA WILL DO IT.
FREDDY, I THINK I'D BETTER

WELL, GILDA WILL DO IT.
FREDDY, I THINK I'D BETTER
LEVEL WITH YOU.

FREDDY, I THINK I'D BETTER
LEVEL WITH YOU.
UM, I LIKE THESE PEOPLE.

LEVEL WITH YOU.
UM, I LIKE THESE PEOPLE.
I'M HAVING A LOT OF FUN WORKING

UM, I LIKE THESE PEOPLE.
I'M HAVING A LOT OF FUN WORKING
WITH THEM, AND UH, WELL, YOU

I'M HAVING A LOT OF FUN WORKING
WITH THEM, AND UH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE PEOPLE YOU

WITH THEM, AND UH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE PEOPLE YOU
CAN ADMIRE, AND THEY'RE

KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE PEOPLE YOU
CAN ADMIRE, AND THEY'RE
DEDICATED TO AN IDEAL OF

CAN ADMIRE, AND THEY'RE
DEDICATED TO AN IDEAL OF
ARTISTIC FREEDOM, AND WHEN I SEE

DEDICATED TO AN IDEAL OF
ARTISTIC FREEDOM, AND WHEN I SEE
THE WAY THEY WORK, AND THE

ARTISTIC FREEDOM, AND WHEN I SEE
THE WAY THEY WORK, AND THE
SACRIFICES THEY MAKE, WELL, I

THE WAY THEY WORK, AND THE
SACRIFICES THEY MAKE, WELL, I
FEEL ASHAMED, YOU KNOW?

SACRIFICES THEY MAKE, WELL, I
FEEL ASHAMED, YOU KNOW?
THEY DON'T HAVE BIG HOUSES WITH

FEEL ASHAMED, YOU KNOW?
THEY DON'T HAVE BIG HOUSES WITH
SWIMMING POOLS AND TENNIS

THEY DON'T HAVE BIG HOUSES WITH
SWIMMING POOLS AND TENNIS
COURTS, AND THEY DON'T HAVE

SWIMMING POOLS AND TENNIS
COURTS, AND THEY DON'T HAVE
FANCY APARTMENTS, AND BIG, BIG

COURTS, AND THEY DON'T HAVE
FANCY APARTMENTS, AND BIG, BIG
LIMOS, AND COOKS.

FANCY APARTMENTS, AND BIG, BIG
LIMOS, AND COOKS.
REALLY?

LIMOS, AND COOKS.
REALLY?
NO!

REALLY?
NO!
NOT EVEN JOHN BELUSHI?

NO!
NOT EVEN JOHN BELUSHI?
OH, JOHN DOES.

NOT EVEN JOHN BELUSHI?
OH, JOHN DOES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, JOHN DOES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IF YOU COULD SEE THE DEDICATION

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IF YOU COULD SEE THE DEDICATION
OF THE OTHERS.

IF YOU COULD SEE THE DEDICATION
OF THE OTHERS.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, FREDDY, THEY

OF THE OTHERS.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, FREDDY, THEY
DO THIS FOR NOTHING, 'CAUSE THEY

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, FREDDY, THEY
DO THIS FOR NOTHING, 'CAUSE THEY
WANT TO MAKE AMERICA LAUGH.

DO THIS FOR NOTHING, 'CAUSE THEY
WANT TO MAKE AMERICA LAUGH.
REALLY, NOW, YOU KNOW, AFTER

WANT TO MAKE AMERICA LAUGH.
REALLY, NOW, YOU KNOW, AFTER
SPENDING THIS TIME WITH THEM, I

REALLY, NOW, YOU KNOW, AFTER
SPENDING THIS TIME WITH THEM, I
JUST...

SPENDING THIS TIME WITH THEM, I
JUST...
WELL, I DON'T THINK I CAN

JUST...
WELL, I DON'T THINK I CAN
BETRAY THEM, I REALLY DON'T,

WELL, I DON'T THINK I CAN
BETRAY THEM, I REALLY DON'T,
AND, UH, AND FURTHERMORE,

BETRAY THEM, I REALLY DON'T,
AND, UH, AND FURTHERMORE,
FREDDY, I CAN'T GO BACK TO

AND, UH, AND FURTHERMORE,
FREDDY, I CAN'T GO BACK TO
"CHARLIE'S ANGELS."

FREDDY, I CAN'T GO BACK TO
"CHARLIE'S ANGELS."
I CAN'T GO BACK TO PRIME TIME.

"CHARLIE'S ANGELS."
I CAN'T GO BACK TO PRIME TIME.
I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING NEW,

I CAN'T GO BACK TO PRIME TIME.
I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING NEW,
SOMETHING BOLD, AND...

I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING NEW,
SOMETHING BOLD, AND...
DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT ABOUT

SOMETHING BOLD, AND...
DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT ABOUT
PRIME TIME AGAIN!

DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT ABOUT
PRIME TIME AGAIN!
THANK YOU, FREDDY, YOU

PRIME TIME AGAIN!
THANK YOU, FREDDY, YOU
KNOW...

THANK YOU, FREDDY, YOU
KNOW...
YOU KNOW, FOR A MINUTE, I REALLY

KNOW...
YOU KNOW, FOR A MINUTE, I REALLY
LOST CONTROL THERE, DIDN'T I?

YOU KNOW, FOR A MINUTE, I REALLY
LOST CONTROL THERE, DIDN'T I?
KATE!

LOST CONTROL THERE, DIDN'T I?
KATE!
WAIT A MINUTE.

KATE!
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT?

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT?
MAYBE I'M WRONG.

WHAT?
MAYBE I'M WRONG.
MAYBE I'M THE ONE WHO LOST HIS

MAYBE I'M WRONG.
MAYBE I'M THE ONE WHO LOST HIS
HEAD.

MAYBE I'M THE ONE WHO LOST HIS
HEAD.
SOMETHING YOU SAID GOT ME

HEAD.
SOMETHING YOU SAID GOT ME
THINKING.

SOMETHING YOU SAID GOT ME
THINKING.
YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT

THINKING.
YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
ARTISTIC FREEDOM.

YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
ARTISTIC FREEDOM.
PERHAPS THAT'S IMPORTANT.

ARTISTIC FREEDOM.
PERHAPS THAT'S IMPORTANT.
PERHAPS THERE'S A PLACE IN

PERHAPS THAT'S IMPORTANT.
PERHAPS THERE'S A PLACE IN
COMMERCIAL TELEVISION FOR

PERHAPS THERE'S A PLACE IN
COMMERCIAL TELEVISION FOR
QUALITY, FOR INTELLIGENTLY

COMMERCIAL TELEVISION FOR
QUALITY, FOR INTELLIGENTLY
CONCEIVED, WELL-ACTED, INVENTIVE

QUALITY, FOR INTELLIGENTLY
CONCEIVED, WELL-ACTED, INVENTIVE
PROGRAMS, PROGRAMS THAT AREN'T

CONCEIVED, WELL-ACTED, INVENTIVE
PROGRAMS, PROGRAMS THAT AREN'T
WRITTEN FOR THE LOWEST COMMON

PROGRAMS, PROGRAMS THAT AREN'T
WRITTEN FOR THE LOWEST COMMON
DENOMINATOR!

WRITTEN FOR THE LOWEST COMMON
DENOMINATOR!
AND NBC COULD LEAD THE WAY!

DENOMINATOR!
AND NBC COULD LEAD THE WAY!
NBC COULD BE THE NETWORK THAT

AND NBC COULD LEAD THE WAY!
NBC COULD BE THE NETWORK THAT
PUTS THESE PROGRAMS ON THE AIR!

NBC COULD BE THE NETWORK THAT
PUTS THESE PROGRAMS ON THE AIR!
Both: NAAAAAAAAAH.

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "BAD CABARET FOR CHILDREN,"
WITH YOUR HOST,

FOR "BAD CABARET FOR CHILDREN,"
WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
THANK YOU, AND GOOD EVENING.

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
THANK YOU, AND GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND

THANK YOU, AND GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD

I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD
CABARET FOR CHILDREN."

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD
CABARET FOR CHILDREN."
"NICHT GUT" OR "BAD" IN GERMAN

CABARET FOR CHILDREN."
"NICHT GUT" OR "BAD" IN GERMAN
ADEQUATELY DESCRIBES THIS

"NICHT GUT" OR "BAD" IN GERMAN
ADEQUATELY DESCRIBES THIS
CABARET PRODUCTION CONCEIVED BY

ADEQUATELY DESCRIBES THIS
CABARET PRODUCTION CONCEIVED BY
KLAUS WIENER, A BREMERHAVEN TOY

CABARET PRODUCTION CONCEIVED BY
KLAUS WIENER, A BREMERHAVEN TOY
MANUFACTURER INFLUENCED STRONGLY

KLAUS WIENER, A BREMERHAVEN TOY
MANUFACTURER INFLUENCED STRONGLY
BY BERTOLT BRECHT AND

MANUFACTURER INFLUENCED STRONGLY
BY BERTOLT BRECHT AND
KURT WEILER.

BY BERTOLT BRECHT AND
KURT WEILER.
PITCHED AGAINST THE PANIC OF

KURT WEILER.
PITCHED AGAINST THE PANIC OF
POST-WORLD-WAR-I GERMANY WHEN

PITCHED AGAINST THE PANIC OF
POST-WORLD-WAR-I GERMANY WHEN
INFLATION AND DECADENCE

POST-WORLD-WAR-I GERMANY WHEN
INFLATION AND DECADENCE
THREATENED TO TEAR THE FABRIC OF

INFLATION AND DECADENCE
THREATENED TO TEAR THE FABRIC OF
BERLIN SOCIETY, KELSOVINA

THREATENED TO TEAR THE FABRIC OF
BERLIN SOCIETY, KELSOVINA
INSISTED THAT HE WRITE A CABARET

BERLIN SOCIETY, KELSOVINA
INSISTED THAT HE WRITE A CABARET
FOR CHILDREN, AND THIS IS WHAT

INSISTED THAT HE WRITE A CABARET
FOR CHILDREN, AND THIS IS WHAT
MAKES IT SO DELICIOUSLY BAD.

FOR CHILDREN, AND THIS IS WHAT
MAKES IT SO DELICIOUSLY BAD.
IT IS 2:00 A.M. IN BERLIN IN THE

MAKES IT SO DELICIOUSLY BAD.
IT IS 2:00 A.M. IN BERLIN IN THE
CAFE PARADISE AS OUR "BAD

IT IS 2:00 A.M. IN BERLIN IN THE
CAFE PARADISE AS OUR "BAD
CABARET FOR CHILDREN"BEGINS.

CAFE PARADISE AS OUR "BAD
CABARET FOR CHILDREN"BEGINS.
[OFF-KEY MUSIC PLAYS]

WILLKOMMEN!
BIENVENU!
WELCOME TO THE KINDER CABARET.

BIENVENU!
WELCOME TO THE KINDER CABARET.
I AM YOUR HOST, RUDY SCHUTZ.

WELCOME TO THE KINDER CABARET.
I AM YOUR HOST, RUDY SCHUTZ.
LIFE IS PLAYED ON A SAD STAGE.

I AM YOUR HOST, RUDY SCHUTZ.
LIFE IS PLAYED ON A SAD STAGE.
WE BEGIN!

LIFE IS PLAYED ON A SAD STAGE.
WE BEGIN!
[CHEERING]

WE BEGIN!
[CHEERING]
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

DANKE SCHOEN. DANKE SCHOEN.
AND NOW, MISS POLLY VIMER!
[CHEERING]

AND NOW, MISS POLLY VIMER!
[CHEERING]
♪ THE WORLD IS TOUGH ♪

[CHEERING]
♪ THE WORLD IS TOUGH ♪
♪ MY CHILDREN ♪

♪ THE WORLD IS TOUGH ♪
♪ MY CHILDREN ♪
♪ THE DUMB ONES ALWAYS WIN ♪

♪ MY CHILDREN ♪
♪ THE DUMB ONES ALWAYS WIN ♪
♪ SO, DRINK SOME WHISKEY AND

♪ THE DUMB ONES ALWAYS WIN ♪
♪ SO, DRINK SOME WHISKEY AND
SING A SONG ♪

♪ SO, DRINK SOME WHISKEY AND
SING A SONG ♪
♪ AND JOIN ME IN SOME SIN ♪

SING A SONG ♪
♪ AND JOIN ME IN SOME SIN ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ AND JOIN ME IN SOME SIN ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND NOW... AND NOW, IT'S TIME

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND NOW... AND NOW, IT'S TIME
TO DRINK YOUR LAST SCHNAPPS, FOR

AND NOW... AND NOW, IT'S TIME
TO DRINK YOUR LAST SCHNAPPS, FOR
TOMORROW, YOU GO ON THE BUS TO

TO DRINK YOUR LAST SCHNAPPS, FOR
TOMORROW, YOU GO ON THE BUS TO
SCHOOL.

TOMORROW, YOU GO ON THE BUS TO
SCHOOL.
TO SCHOOL!

SCHOOL.
TO SCHOOL!
TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.

TO SCHOOL!
TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.
YA.

TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.
YA.
TOMORROW, YOU GO ON THE BUS.

YA.
TOMORROW, YOU GO ON THE BUS.
YA.

TOMORROW, YOU GO ON THE BUS.
YA.
TEACHERS...

YA.
TEACHERS...
TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.

TEACHERS...
TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.
YA!

TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.
YA!
TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.

YA!
TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN!

TOMORROW YOU GO ON THE BUS.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AUF WIEDERSEHEN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AUGUSTLY, AUGUSTLY REPELLANT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AUGUSTLY, AUGUSTLY REPELLANT.
REPUGNANTLY EXECUTED AND JUST

AUGUSTLY, AUGUSTLY REPELLANT.
REPUGNANTLY EXECUTED AND JUST
PLAIN BAD.

REPUGNANTLY EXECUTED AND JUST
PLAIN BAD.
OUR CAST OF "BAD CABARET FOR

PLAIN BAD.
OUR CAST OF "BAD CABARET FOR
CHILDREN" WAS PORTRAYED BY THE

OUR CAST OF "BAD CABARET FOR
CHILDREN" WAS PORTRAYED BY THE
KROITZER FAMILY... FRITZ,

CHILDREN" WAS PORTRAYED BY THE
KROITZER FAMILY... FRITZ,
GRETEL, HANS, WILLY, ELSE, AND

KROITZER FAMILY... FRITZ,
GRETEL, HANS, WILLY, ELSE, AND
LOTTA.

GRETEL, HANS, WILLY, ELSE, AND
LOTTA.
THE CHILDREN OF THE

LOTTA.
THE CHILDREN OF THE
BREMERHAVEN FREE SCHOOL,

THE CHILDREN OF THE
BREMERHAVEN FREE SCHOOL,
AND OF COURSE, ON THE

BREMERHAVEN FREE SCHOOL,
AND OF COURSE, ON THE
BOARD, OUR OWN RONNY BATEMAN.

AND OF COURSE, ON THE
BOARD, OUR OWN RONNY BATEMAN.
THIS IS

BOARD, OUR OWN RONNY BATEMAN.
THIS IS
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

THIS IS
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK
WHEN WE PRESENT THE

PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK
WHEN WE PRESENT THE
CABARET VERSION OF THE

WHEN WE PRESENT THE
CABARET VERSION OF THE
ANIMATED CARTOON FEATURE OF

CABARET VERSION OF THE
ANIMATED CARTOON FEATURE OF
"DUMBO."

ANIMATED CARTOON FEATURE OF
"DUMBO."
[APPLAUSE]

♪ LET ME TELL YOU 'BOUT A
GIRL I KNOW ♪
♪ I MET HER WALKIN' DOWN A

GIRL I KNOW ♪
♪ I MET HER WALKIN' DOWN A
UPTOWN STREET ♪

♪ I MET HER WALKIN' DOWN A
UPTOWN STREET ♪
♪ SHE LOOKED SO FINE, YOU KNOW I

UPTOWN STREET ♪
♪ SHE LOOKED SO FINE, YOU KNOW I
WISH SHE WAS MINE ♪

♪ SHE LOOKED SO FINE, YOU KNOW I
WISH SHE WAS MINE ♪
♪ I GET SHOOK UP EVERY TIME WE

WISH SHE WAS MINE ♪
♪ I GET SHOOK UP EVERY TIME WE
MEET ♪

♪ I GET SHOOK UP EVERY TIME WE
MEET ♪
♪ I'M TALKING 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪

MEET ♪
♪ I'M TALKING 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪

♪ I'M TALKING 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪
♪ WHOA, I DO MEAN YOU ♪

♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪
♪ WHOA, I DO MEAN YOU ♪
♪ I'M JUST TRYING TO GET A

♪ WHOA, I DO MEAN YOU ♪
♪ I'M JUST TRYING TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪

♪ I'M JUST TRYING TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪
♪ LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A GIRL I

MESSAGE THROUGH ♪
♪ LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A GIRL I
KNOW ♪

♪ LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A GIRL I
KNOW ♪
♪ MAN, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪

KNOW ♪
♪ MAN, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪
♪ GOT SO MUCH SKILL AND SUCH

♪ MAN, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪
♪ GOT SO MUCH SKILL AND SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL BUILD ♪

♪ GOT SO MUCH SKILL AND SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL BUILD ♪
♪ SHE OUGHT TO BE SOMEWHERE IN

A BEAUTIFUL BUILD ♪
♪ SHE OUGHT TO BE SOMEWHERE IN
HOLLYWOOD ♪

♪ SHE OUGHT TO BE SOMEWHERE IN
HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ TALKIN' ABOUT YOU, BABY ♪

HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ TALKIN' ABOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪

♪ TALKIN' ABOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪
♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪

♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪
♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪
♪ YEAH, I JUST GOT TO GET A

♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪
♪ YEAH, I JUST GOT TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪

♪ YEAH, I JUST GOT TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪
WHOO! ALL RIGHT!

♪ LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A GIRL I
KNOW ♪
♪ SHE'S SITTIN' RIGHT HERE BY MY

KNOW ♪
♪ SHE'S SITTIN' RIGHT HERE BY MY
SIDE ♪

♪ SHE'S SITTIN' RIGHT HERE BY MY
SIDE ♪
♪ LOVELY INDEED, THAT'S WHY I

SIDE ♪
♪ LOVELY INDEED, THAT'S WHY I
ASKED HER IF SHE WOULD PROMISE

♪ LOVELY INDEED, THAT'S WHY I
ASKED HER IF SHE WOULD PROMISE
SOMEDAY SHE WOULD BE MY BRIDE ♪

ASKED HER IF SHE WOULD PROMISE
SOMEDAY SHE WOULD BE MY BRIDE ♪
♪ I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪

SOMEDAY SHE WOULD BE MY BRIDE ♪
♪ I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪

♪ I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪
♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪

♪ NOBODY BUT YOU ♪
♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪
♪ YEAH, I JUST GOT TO GET A

♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪
♪ YEAH, I JUST GOT TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪

♪ YEAH, I JUST GOT TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪
WHOO! ALL RIGHT!

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU, BABY ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ NOBODY BUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ NOBODY BUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I GOT TO GET A MESSAGE

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I GOT TO GET A MESSAGE
THROUGH ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET A MESSAGE
THROUGH ♪
WHOO!

THROUGH ♪
WHOO!
♪ YEAH, TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU,

WHOO!
♪ YEAH, TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ YEAH, TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪

BABY ♪
♪ I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ YEAH, NOBODY BUT YOU, BABY ♪

♪ I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ YEAH, NOBODY BUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, I JUST GOT TO GET A

♪ YEAH, NOBODY BUT YOU, BABY ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, I JUST GOT TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, I JUST GOT TO GET A
MESSAGE THROUGH ♪
♪ YEAH, THAT'S WHY I'M TALKIN'

MESSAGE THROUGH ♪
♪ YEAH, THAT'S WHY I'M TALKIN'
'BOUT YOU ♪

♪ YEAH, THAT'S WHY I'M TALKIN'
'BOUT YOU ♪
♪ OH, I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU ♪

'BOUT YOU ♪
♪ OH, I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU ♪
♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪

♪ OH, I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOU ♪
♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT TO GET A MESSAGE

♪ COME ON, GIVE ME A CLUE ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT TO GET A MESSAGE
THROUGH ♪

♪ YEAH, I GOT TO GET A MESSAGE
THROUGH ♪
WHOO! ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR

"THE MR. BILL SHOW!"

OH, BOY, ARE WE GONNA HAVE
FUN TODAY.
BECAUSE WERE ALL GONNA EAT SOME

FUN TODAY.
BECAUSE WERE ALL GONNA EAT SOME
SNACKS, YAY!

BECAUSE WERE ALL GONNA EAT SOME
SNACKS, YAY!
OH, WE'VE GOT PIES AND CAKES AND

SNACKS, YAY!
OH, WE'VE GOT PIES AND CAKES AND
CANDY BARS AND POTATO CHIPS.

OH, WE'VE GOT PIES AND CAKES AND
CANDY BARS AND POTATO CHIPS.
OH, I SURE HOPE WE HAVE ENOUGH.

CANDY BARS AND POTATO CHIPS.
OH, I SURE HOPE WE HAVE ENOUGH.
SAY, MR. BILL, MAYBE YOU

OH, I SURE HOPE WE HAVE ENOUGH.
SAY, MR. BILL, MAYBE YOU
SHOULDN'T.

SAY, MR. BILL, MAYBE YOU
SHOULDN'T.
BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE

SHOULDN'T.
BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE
CHUBBY.

BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE
CHUBBY.
OH, REALLY?

CHUBBY.
OH, REALLY?
SURE, AND SO IS SPOT.

OH, REALLY?
SURE, AND SO IS SPOT.
OH, MR. HANDS, BUT YOU KNOW

SURE, AND SO IS SPOT.
OH, MR. HANDS, BUT YOU KNOW
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON

OH, MR. HANDS, BUT YOU KNOW
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON
OUR SWEETS.

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON
OUR SWEETS.
WELL, THE BEST WAY TO CONTROL

OUR SWEETS.
WELL, THE BEST WAY TO CONTROL
YOUR WEIGHT IS TO CHECK IT EVERY

WELL, THE BEST WAY TO CONTROL
YOUR WEIGHT IS TO CHECK IT EVERY
DAY.

YOUR WEIGHT IS TO CHECK IT EVERY
DAY.
OH, BUT YOU KNOW I DON'T

DAY.
OH, BUT YOU KNOW I DON'T
LIKE WEIGHING MYSELF.

OH, BUT YOU KNOW I DON'T
LIKE WEIGHING MYSELF.
I'M A LITTLE SCARED.

LIKE WEIGHING MYSELF.
I'M A LITTLE SCARED.
COME ON.

I'M A LITTLE SCARED.
COME ON.
HOP UP ON THE SCALE.

COME ON.
HOP UP ON THE SCALE.
OKAY.

HOP UP ON THE SCALE.
OKAY.
NOW, LET'S SEE HOW MUCH.

OKAY.
NOW, LET'S SEE HOW MUCH.
OH, NO!

NOW, LET'S SEE HOW MUCH.
OH, NO!
GEE, 190 POUNDS!

OH, NO!
GEE, 190 POUNDS!
OH, NO!

GEE, 190 POUNDS!
OH, NO!
MR. HANDS, CAN YOU TAKE ME AND

OH, NO!
MR. HANDS, CAN YOU TAKE ME AND
SPOT TO A HEALTH SPA QUICK?

MR. HANDS, CAN YOU TAKE ME AND
SPOT TO A HEALTH SPA QUICK?
BUT YOU KNOW WE CAN'T AFFORD

SPOT TO A HEALTH SPA QUICK?
BUT YOU KNOW WE CAN'T AFFORD
THAT.

BUT YOU KNOW WE CAN'T AFFORD
THAT.
WELL, MR. HANDS, HOW DO YOU

THAT.
WELL, MR. HANDS, HOW DO YOU
KEEP IN SUCH GREAT SHAPE, HUH?

WELL, MR. HANDS, HOW DO YOU
KEEP IN SUCH GREAT SHAPE, HUH?
I EXERCISE EVERY DAY HERE AT

KEEP IN SUCH GREAT SHAPE, HUH?
I EXERCISE EVERY DAY HERE AT
HOME WITH SLUGGO LaLANNE!

I EXERCISE EVERY DAY HERE AT
HOME WITH SLUGGO LaLANNE!
OH, NO!

HOME WITH SLUGGO LaLANNE!
OH, NO!
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN!

OH, NO!
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN!
NO, HE JUST WANTS TO HELP

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN!
NO, HE JUST WANTS TO HELP
YOU SHAPE UP.

NO, HE JUST WANTS TO HELP
YOU SHAPE UP.
HE JUST WANTS TO BE MEAN.

YOU SHAPE UP.
HE JUST WANTS TO BE MEAN.
NOW, FIRST, HE WANTS US ALL

HE JUST WANTS TO BE MEAN.
NOW, FIRST, HE WANTS US ALL
TO PASS THE MEDICINE BALL

NOW, FIRST, HE WANTS US ALL
TO PASS THE MEDICINE BALL
AROUND.

TO PASS THE MEDICINE BALL
AROUND.
OH, NO!

AROUND.
OH, NO!
HERE, SPOT!

OH, NO!
HERE, SPOT!
NO, NO!

HERE, SPOT!
NO, NO!
HE'S LOOKING THINNER ALREADY.

NO, NO!
HE'S LOOKING THINNER ALREADY.
NOW, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO

HE'S LOOKING THINNER ALREADY.
NOW, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO
JUMP ROPE.

NOW, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO
JUMP ROPE.
SO JUMP HIGH.

JUMP ROPE.
SO JUMP HIGH.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T

SO JUMP HIGH.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T
JUMP!

NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T
JUMP!
OHHHHHHHHHH!

JUMP!
OHHHHHHHHHH!
OH, WE KNOCKED YOU OFF

OHHHHHHHHHH!
OH, WE KNOCKED YOU OFF
YOUR FEET.

OH, WE KNOCKED YOU OFF
YOUR FEET.
OH, NO! COME ON!

YOUR FEET.
OH, NO! COME ON!
NEXT, SLUGGO LaLANNE SAYS

OH, NO! COME ON!
NEXT, SLUGGO LaLANNE SAYS
TO SOOTH THOSE TIGHT MUSCLES

NEXT, SLUGGO LaLANNE SAYS
TO SOOTH THOSE TIGHT MUSCLES
WITH A GOOD RUBDOWN.

TO SOOTH THOSE TIGHT MUSCLES
WITH A GOOD RUBDOWN.
STOP!

WITH A GOOD RUBDOWN.
STOP!
NO, NO, NO, NO!

STOP!
NO, NO, NO, NO!
OHHHHHHHHH!

NO, NO, NO, NO!
OHHHHHHHHH!
NEXT HE SAYS TO BUILD THOSE

OHHHHHHHHH!
NEXT HE SAYS TO BUILD THOSE
ARM MUSCLES BY LIFTING WEIGHTS.

NEXT HE SAYS TO BUILD THOSE
ARM MUSCLES BY LIFTING WEIGHTS.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T

ARM MUSCLES BY LIFTING WEIGHTS.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T
HOLD IT!

NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T
HOLD IT!
NO!

HOLD IT!
NO!
THERE'S A LOAD OFF YOUR

NO!
THERE'S A LOAD OFF YOUR
CHEST.

THERE'S A LOAD OFF YOUR
CHEST.
NOW WE'LL SHRINK THAT STOMACH BY

CHEST.
NOW WE'LL SHRINK THAT STOMACH BY
DOING 10 SIT-UPS.

NOW WE'LL SHRINK THAT STOMACH BY
DOING 10 SIT-UPS.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW MY BACK

DOING 10 SIT-UPS.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW MY BACK
CAN'T BEND.

NO, BUT YOU KNOW MY BACK
CAN'T BEND.
I'LL HOLD YOUR ANKLES.

CAN'T BEND.
I'LL HOLD YOUR ANKLES.
STOP IT!

I'LL HOLD YOUR ANKLES.
STOP IT!
AND NOW FOR THOSE SHOULDERS.

STOP IT!
AND NOW FOR THOSE SHOULDERS.
SLUGGO SAYS TO STRETCH THIS

AND NOW FOR THOSE SHOULDERS.
SLUGGO SAYS TO STRETCH THIS
SPRING.

SLUGGO SAYS TO STRETCH THIS
SPRING.
NO, BUT I CAN'T HOLD IT!

SPRING.
NO, BUT I CAN'T HOLD IT!
HE SAYS DO IT 10 TIMES.

NO, BUT I CAN'T HOLD IT!
HE SAYS DO IT 10 TIMES.
I CAN'T! NO!

HE SAYS DO IT 10 TIMES.
I CAN'T! NO!
OH, MR. BILL, YOU'RE SLIMMING

I CAN'T! NO!
OH, MR. BILL, YOU'RE SLIMMING
UP ALREADY!

OH, MR. BILL, YOU'RE SLIMMING
UP ALREADY!
LEAVE ME ALONE ♪

UP ALREADY!
LEAVE ME ALONE ♪
NOW WE'LL MELT OFF THE REST

LEAVE ME ALONE ♪
NOW WE'LL MELT OFF THE REST
OF THOSE EXCESS POUNDS IN THE

NOW WE'LL MELT OFF THE REST
OF THOSE EXCESS POUNDS IN THE
STEAM BOX.

OF THOSE EXCESS POUNDS IN THE
STEAM BOX.
I DON'T LIKE THE STEAM BOX.

STEAM BOX.
I DON'T LIKE THE STEAM BOX.
LEAVE ME ALONE!

I DON'T LIKE THE STEAM BOX.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
BUT IT ALSO OPENS UP THE

LEAVE ME ALONE!
BUT IT ALSO OPENS UP THE
PORES.

BUT IT ALSO OPENS UP THE
PORES.
I DON'T LIKE LOSING WEIGHT.

PORES.
I DON'T LIKE LOSING WEIGHT.
ARE YOU READY?

I DON'T LIKE LOSING WEIGHT.
ARE YOU READY?
NO! OHHHHHHHH!

ARE YOU READY?
NO! OHHHHHHHH!
TOO HOT!

NO! OHHHHHHHH!
TOO HOT!
TOO HOT! NOOOOOO!

TOO HOT!
TOO HOT! NOOOOOO!
OHHHHHHHHH!

TOO HOT! NOOOOOO!
OHHHHHHHHH!
OH, WHY, WHY?

OHHHHHHHHH!
OH, WHY, WHY?
NOW LET'S CHECK THE RESULTS.

OH, WHY, WHY?
NOW LET'S CHECK THE RESULTS.
OH, NO!

NOW LET'S CHECK THE RESULTS.
OH, NO!
SAY, MR. BILL, HOW DO YOU

OH, NO!
SAY, MR. BILL, HOW DO YOU
LIKE YOUR NEW PHYSIQUE?

SAY, MR. BILL, HOW DO YOU
LIKE YOUR NEW PHYSIQUE?
I DON'T LIKE IT!

LIKE YOUR NEW PHYSIQUE?
I DON'T LIKE IT!
LEAVE ME ALONE!

I DON'T LIKE IT!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
AFTER A ROUGH WORKOUT LIKE

LEAVE ME ALONE!
AFTER A ROUGH WORKOUT LIKE
THAT, WE NEED TO COOL OFF WITH A

AFTER A ROUGH WORKOUT LIKE
THAT, WE NEED TO COOL OFF WITH A
REFRESHING SHOWER.

THAT, WE NEED TO COOL OFF WITH A
REFRESHING SHOWER.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T TAKE

REFRESHING SHOWER.
NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T TAKE
A SHOWER, MR. HANDS!

NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T TAKE
A SHOWER, MR. HANDS!
NO! STOP IT!

A SHOWER, MR. HANDS!
NO! STOP IT!
SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS,

NO! STOP IT!
SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS,
MR. BILL SAYS SO LONG!

SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS,
MR. BILL SAYS SO LONG!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THESE APPEAR TO BE THE ONLY
UNINHABITED SEATS.

CAUTION!
THE FLOOR PANELS ARE COVERED
WITH ADHESIVE SUCROSE

THE FLOOR PANELS ARE COVERED
WITH ADHESIVE SUCROSE
SUBSTANCES.

WITH ADHESIVE SUCROSE
SUBSTANCES.
WHAT'S THE FIRST MOVIE?

SUBSTANCES.
WHAT'S THE FIRST MOVIE?
UH, IT'S A TRIPLE SCI-FI

WHAT'S THE FIRST MOVIE?
UH, IT'S A TRIPLE SCI-FI
FESTIVAL.

UH, IT'S A TRIPLE SCI-FI
FESTIVAL.
"THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL,"

FESTIVAL.
"THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL,"
"EARTH VS. THE FLYING

"THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL,"
"EARTH VS. THE FLYING
SAUCERS," AND "THE SILENT

"EARTH VS. THE FLYING
SAUCERS," AND "THE SILENT
EARTH."

SAUCERS," AND "THE SILENT
EARTH."
HEY, I'VE NEVER SEEN "THE DAY

EARTH."
HEY, I'VE NEVER SEEN "THE DAY
THE EARTH STOOD STILL."

HEY, I'VE NEVER SEEN "THE DAY
THE EARTH STOOD STILL."
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT?

THE EARTH STOOD STILL."
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT?
GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT?
GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, IT'S GREAT.

GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, IT'S GREAT.
YOU GOT TO SEE THIS ROBOT, YOU

OH, IT'S GREAT.
YOU GOT TO SEE THIS ROBOT, YOU
KNOW?

YOU GOT TO SEE THIS ROBOT, YOU
KNOW?
IT'S GOT THIS VISOR THAT

KNOW?
IT'S GOT THIS VISOR THAT
OPENS... THE OLD DEATH RAY, YOU

IT'S GOT THIS VISOR THAT
OPENS... THE OLD DEATH RAY, YOU
KNOW?

OPENS... THE OLD DEATH RAY, YOU
KNOW?
[GROWLING]

KNOW?
[GROWLING]
IT'S GREAT.

[GROWLING]
IT'S GREAT.
YOU KNOW, I ROLLED THIS AT HOME.

IT'S GREAT.
YOU KNOW, I ROLLED THIS AT HOME.
OH, YEAH?

YOU KNOW, I ROLLED THIS AT HOME.
OH, YEAH?
THIS SMOKE'S A BOMBER.

OH, YEAH?
THIS SMOKE'S A BOMBER.
YOU STAYING FOR ALL THREE

THIS SMOKE'S A BOMBER.
YOU STAYING FOR ALL THREE
MOVIES?

I DON'T KNOW, JOE, MAYBE WE
COULD STAY FOR ALL THREE.
LET'S JUST SEE HOW WE FEEL, YOU

COULD STAY FOR ALL THREE.
LET'S JUST SEE HOW WE FEEL, YOU
KNOW?

LET'S JUST SEE HOW WE FEEL, YOU
KNOW?
BY THE TIME WE WALK OUT OF HERE,

KNOW?
BY THE TIME WE WALK OUT OF HERE,
IT'LL BE LIKE 4:30.

BY THE TIME WE WALK OUT OF HERE,
IT'LL BE LIKE 4:30.
MOMMY, IS THAT HOW IT WAS FOR

IT'LL BE LIKE 4:30.
MOMMY, IS THAT HOW IT WAS FOR
YOU AND DADDY?

MOMMY, IS THAT HOW IT WAS FOR
YOU AND DADDY?
NOOOO!

YOU AND DADDY?
NOOOO!
YOUR PARENTAL UNITS ARE NOT THAT

NOOOO!
YOUR PARENTAL UNITS ARE NOT THAT
OLD.

YOUR PARENTAL UNITS ARE NOT THAT
OLD.
VEHICLES OF THAT PRIMITIVE

OLD.
VEHICLES OF THAT PRIMITIVE
TECHNOLOGY WERE DISSOLVED INTO

VEHICLES OF THAT PRIMITIVE
TECHNOLOGY WERE DISSOLVED INTO
PROTOID ALLOYS, WHICH WERE USED

TECHNOLOGY WERE DISSOLVED INTO
PROTOID ALLOYS, WHICH WERE USED
TO FEED THE CLORB DURING THE

PROTOID ALLOYS, WHICH WERE USED
TO FEED THE CLORB DURING THE
REMBOLOID DYNASTY.

TO FEED THE CLORB DURING THE
REMBOLOID DYNASTY.
I SAW A STARSHIP OF THAT

REMBOLOID DYNASTY.
I SAW A STARSHIP OF THAT
VINTAGE IN THE ICON CHAMBERS OF

I SAW A STARSHIP OF THAT
VINTAGE IN THE ICON CHAMBERS OF
MEEPZOR.

VINTAGE IN THE ICON CHAMBERS OF
MEEPZOR.
I HATE THIS.

MEEPZOR.
I HATE THIS.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.

I HATE THIS.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.
I CAN'T SEE.

THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.
I CAN'T SEE.
RELAX.

I CAN'T SEE.
RELAX.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, ALL RIGHT?

RELAX.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, ALL RIGHT?
EXCUSE ME.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, ALL RIGHT?
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
OH, WOW.

EXCUSE ME.
OH, WOW.
COULD YOU PEOPLE MAYBE TAKE YOUR

OH, WOW.
COULD YOU PEOPLE MAYBE TAKE YOUR
HATS OFF?

COULD YOU PEOPLE MAYBE TAKE YOUR
HATS OFF?
AS YOU WISH, HUMAN.

HATS OFF?
AS YOU WISH, HUMAN.
THANKS A LOT.

AS YOU WISH, HUMAN.
THANKS A LOT.
THAT'S MUCH BETTER.

THANKS A LOT.
THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
HERE, MELLOW OUT WITH SOME OF

THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
HERE, MELLOW OUT WITH SOME OF
THIS.

HERE, MELLOW OUT WITH SOME OF
THIS.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

THIS.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO
THAT.

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO
THAT.
THAT'S PRETTY STRONG STUFF.

THAT.
THAT'S PRETTY STRONG STUFF.
NO.

THAT'S PRETTY STRONG STUFF.
NO.
IT'LL BE GOOD FOR HIS HEAD.

NO.
IT'LL BE GOOD FOR HIS HEAD.
HE CAN TAKE IT.

IT'LL BE GOOD FOR HIS HEAD.
HE CAN TAKE IT.
OH, BOY.

HE CAN TAKE IT.
OH, BOY.
ONE HIT. ONE HIT.

OH, BOY.
ONE HIT. ONE HIT.
ENJOYABLE BLEND OF PLANT

ONE HIT. ONE HIT.
ENJOYABLE BLEND OF PLANT
FIBERS.

ENJOYABLE BLEND OF PLANT
FIBERS.
OH, MAN.

FIBERS.
OH, MAN.
THERE WAS A GRAM OF HASH IN

OH, MAN.
THERE WAS A GRAM OF HASH IN
THERE.

THERE WAS A GRAM OF HASH IN
THERE.
NOW IT'S GONE.

THERE.
NOW IT'S GONE.
I MUST LEAVE.

NOW IT'S GONE.
I MUST LEAVE.
BELDAR, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I MUST LEAVE.
BELDAR, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I HAVE BEEN SEIZED BY A

BELDAR, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I HAVE BEEN SEIZED BY A
POWERFUL THROAG.

I HAVE BEEN SEIZED BY A
POWERFUL THROAG.
I WILL RETURN.

POWERFUL THROAG.
I WILL RETURN.
MOMMY, THERE IS THE ROBOT I

I WILL RETURN.
MOMMY, THERE IS THE ROBOT I
DESCRIBED TO YOU.

MOMMY, THERE IS THE ROBOT I
DESCRIBED TO YOU.
AH, YES.

DESCRIBED TO YOU.
AH, YES.
YOUNG ONE, HE REMINDS ME OF

AH, YES.
YOUNG ONE, HE REMINDS ME OF
ZELADNOID THE RESOLUTE... THE

YOUNG ONE, HE REMINDS ME OF
ZELADNOID THE RESOLUTE... THE
LONE TIMEKEEPER FOR THE FARSIDE

ZELADNOID THE RESOLUTE... THE
LONE TIMEKEEPER FOR THE FARSIDE
RELAY STATION IN THE MADERPATH

LONE TIMEKEEPER FOR THE FARSIDE
RELAY STATION IN THE MADERPATH
5.

RELAY STATION IN THE MADERPATH
5.
OH, BOY.

5.
OH, BOY.
HERE.

OH, BOY.
HERE.
CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES.

HERE.
CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES.
BOY.

CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES.
BOY.
SHH!

BOY.
SHH!
WOULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET?

SHH!
WOULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET?
AH HA!

WOULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET?
AH HA!
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

AH HA!
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
I ENJOY THESE CELLULOID LIGHT

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
I ENJOY THESE CELLULOID LIGHT
PROJECTIONS.

I ENJOY THESE CELLULOID LIGHT
PROJECTIONS.
[LAUGHS]

PROJECTIONS.
[LAUGHS]
OH, NO, DADDY'S FREAKING.

[LAUGHS]
OH, NO, DADDY'S FREAKING.
FREAKING?

OH, NO, DADDY'S FREAKING.
FREAKING?
FREAKING.

FREAKING?
FREAKING.
INAPPROPRIATE SOCIAL BEHAVIOR

FREAKING.
INAPPROPRIATE SOCIAL BEHAVIOR
INDUCED BY MASS CONSUMPTION OF

INAPPROPRIATE SOCIAL BEHAVIOR
INDUCED BY MASS CONSUMPTION OF
PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCES.

INDUCED BY MASS CONSUMPTION OF
PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCES.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCES.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY]
IF YOU... IF YOU PEOPLE

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]
IF YOU... IF YOU PEOPLE
AREN'T QUIET, I'M GONNA CALL FOR

IF YOU... IF YOU PEOPLE
AREN'T QUIET, I'M GONNA CALL FOR
THE USHER.

AREN'T QUIET, I'M GONNA CALL FOR
THE USHER.
YEAH.

THE USHER.
YEAH.
MIPS! MIPS!

YEAH.
MIPS! MIPS!
HA!

MIPS! MIPS!
HA!
LOOK AT THE HUMAN'S BLUNT SKULL.

HA!
LOOK AT THE HUMAN'S BLUNT SKULL.
[LAUGHS]

LOOK AT THE HUMAN'S BLUNT SKULL.
[LAUGHS]
OH, DADDY, BE COOL.

[LAUGHS]
OH, DADDY, BE COOL.
OH!

OH, DADDY, BE COOL.
OH!
[LAUGHS]

OH!
[LAUGHS]
USHER!

[LAUGHS]
USHER!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUH?

USHER!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUH?
THESE PEOPLE WON'T STOP

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUH?
THESE PEOPLE WON'T STOP
TALKING.

THESE PEOPLE WON'T STOP
TALKING.
OKAY, LET'S GO, BUDDY.

TALKING.
OKAY, LET'S GO, BUDDY.
COME ON, EVERYBODY OUT.

OKAY, LET'S GO, BUDDY.
COME ON, EVERYBODY OUT.
MIPS!

COME ON, EVERYBODY OUT.
MIPS!
MOVE IT ALONG. LET'S GO.

MIPS!
MOVE IT ALONG. LET'S GO.
HUMAN, I WILL REDUCE YOU TO

MOVE IT ALONG. LET'S GO.
HUMAN, I WILL REDUCE YOU TO
PROTOID NODULES.

HUMAN, I WILL REDUCE YOU TO
PROTOID NODULES.
COME ON. COME ON.

PROTOID NODULES.
COME ON. COME ON.
HUMANS!

COME ON. COME ON.
HUMANS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
I LOVE YOU, ANDREW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]