Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 39, Episode 3 - Bruce Willis/Katy Perry - full transcript
Sketches include NASA Shutdown Cold Open, Bruce Willis Monologue, 24-Hour Energy Drink, Black Ops, The Ol' Barbershop, Boy Dance Party, Lady Gaga Show, Weekend Update with guests Chaplain Barry Black and Brooks Wheelan, Armageddon, Centauri Vodka, Protective Son, and Beer Pong.
You ever see anything that
beautiful?
Besides me, I mean?
Get over yourself, Kazanski.
No, come on.
[explosion]
I think some debris hit the
telescope.
Oh, my God!
We're detached.
What do we do?
Stay calm.
Houston?
We've been hit be debris and
you copy?
Houston, come in.
desperately, Houston.
Somebody?
Yello?
[laughter]
This is Dr. Janet Stone.
We've become detached from the
oxygen and dropping.
Please advise.
Mission control is not here
right now, but can I take a
message?
[laughter]
What do you mean they're not
here?
Well, this is awkward, but
[cheers and applause]
employee in the place.
months ago.
If you can give us
international space station we
may have a small chance for
survival.
Okay.
Let me get a pen here.
I'm going to say that Janet from
And I'm going to say this is
very important.
Okay, all set.
Houston, no.
We need a plan of action to get
back to earth.
might be kind of dumb.
Houston, there are no dumb
ideas.
In Willy Wonka, Charlie and
That is a dumb idea.
I'm at 2% oxygen.
If that's the case, why don't
we make this asphyxiation an
Hey, guys, I think I see
someone who might know something
about space.
Come on in.
Tell them what you know.
Treks," "Deep Nine Space" and
"Battlegar Galaspartica."
No, we need coordinates for
the ISS.
Yes, but maybe you get him
job, okay?
He need money so we can move
back to Ukraine where government
is more stable.
running out of time.
Neither can congress.
Oh, you funny.
You are funny.
Rover pop some wheelies?
Houston?
Hello, Houston?
Oh, my God.
If anyone can hear this
transmission, we are lost in
space.
ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday
Night Live"!
Aidy Bryant
Taran Killam
Kate McKinnon
Seth Meyers
Bobby Moynihan
Jay Pharoah
Mike O'Brien
Noel Wells
Brooks Wheelan
Katy Perry!
Bruce Willis!
Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be hosting
"Saturday Night Live."
oh, my goodness.
The last time I hosted the show
If you had told me back then
there were going to be six Die
Hards," I would have said that
seems a little too many.
A lot of change for me in the
I now have three beautiful grown
daughters.
[applause]
And last year my wife and I were
blessed with another baby.
My baby Mabel Rae.
And I'm so very happy to have
four daughters.
Hey, Bruce.
Bobby, how you doing?
Bruce, I need to say
I know how bummed you are that
you don't have a son.
I'm not bummed.
I just want you to know that
you have been a hero to me since
the first time we worked
together.
When did we work together?
I was the baby in "Look Who's
Talking."
It was me.
Yeah, no, it was.
I just want you to know that
ever since then, I have been
Bobby.
I've always loved your
movies, and I know you play
harmonica.
And I myself studied harmonica
for many years.
Neither did I.
Would you mind?
I wouldn't mind at all.
This is the greatest.
Willis?
♪♪
[plays harmonica very poorly]
♪♪
[plays harmonica very poorly]
[plays harmonica very poorly]
We have a great show tonight.
Katy Perry's here.
Stick around.
[cheers and applause]
>Are you exhausted?
Feeling overwhelmed?
Sure, everyone could use a
little extra energy, but you
you're dating an actress.
You're just jealous Mama!
Introducing 24-hour Energy
for dating actresses because for
her all the world's a stage.
I guess mother was right
about me.
Whether she's trying out a
I'm a German woman.
I'm a German woman.
I am a German woman.
the call back.
[bleep] my life!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Or that she did get the call
back.
They want to see me on
Monday!
Yes!
Yes!
Now you'll have the energy
you need to tell her she was
Other blinds are too flimsy.
blinds.
Or hang out with her actor
tunes in your face.
Or even see her latest Off-
Broadway performance.
I'm scared.
Funny, you don't look scared.
[laughter]
Go ahead, date that actress.
You can handle it.
Bravo!
Yes, yes.
And the award goes to you,
Morgan.
And now for women, 24-hour
Energy for dating comedians.
Hey, anybody need a stool
>Today's the big day,
gentlemen.
I hope you got your sleep.
The raid on Al Jafar's compound
Takes place in 3:00 hours.
Hernandez?
All right, approach the left
flank, establish a perimeter,
Montrose.
I head to the main power
grid, I get the signal, I cut
the juice.
Zarnicky.
I walk up to the front door
and kick it in.
Bad guys look at me, I smile,
and I say, "anybody order a
pizza?"
[laughter]
They reach for their guns, I'm
faster.
Pop, pop, pop.
Dead just like that.
But there's a fourth guy, I didn't
see.
He's standing behind me.
He tells me to drop the gun.
I do.
up, surprise, I have a knife on
Kick him in the throat.
Falls to the ground.
I turn and say to myself
"Where are you hiding Jafar?"
Close.
Your job is to wait in the van
and make sure communications
don't go down.
[laughter]
I'm on extraction.
Two apaches three clicks out.
Night vision goggles on.
We stay quiet.
Wrong.
Zarnicky?
I go in loud, I let them know
I'm there.
I yell, "the game is up Al
Jafar!"
You're like a pebble in my shoe.
But in order to find me you'll
Uh-oh, is the bodyguard big?
Montrose.
Don't encourage him.
He's coming towards me.
He sees something on the floor.
I got a knife.
The end of my boot.
And I kick him in the throat.
You just happened to see
something on the floor?
It doesn't matter.
No, you're not.
You're in the van making sure
I'm running the grab team.
Intelligence put him in the
it was booby-trapped, kaboom.
I drop to the ground and cradle
your head in my hands.
My head?
Then I look at you and I say,
don't you dare die on me.
breath, you say, you were always
my hero.
Yeah, I would not say that.
[laughter]
I look to the heavens and I
scream Jafar.
say, we met again.
Again?
Have you met before?
He opens his shirt, bomb
strapped to his chest.
together.
I smirk, of course.
But I have other plans.
Because, surprise, you have a
knife.
You have a knife in your
[laughter]
Kick my boot across the room,
the knife goes into his neck but
not before it hits the
detonator.
I don't have that much time.
I forget my keys.
The bomb goes off and I fall to
my certain death.
driving by.
Afghanistan?
an ugly one.
I give her a devilish grin
ex-husband.
Fade to black.
black?
You want to see what I mean,
you'll all follow me or stay
here with this guy and play it
by the books.
S.E.A.L.S.
I do want to see that Ferrari.
[cheers and applause]
>Did you see that game last
night?
Did you see that boy
Ellsbury steal that base last
night?
Ain't nobody fast as Lou Brock.
Whoo!
Lou Brock could get a pork chop
past a coyote.
I saw it happen.
It was 1964.
Pork chop day at the ballpark.
A coyote ran out on the field
and Lou Brock didn't let that
coyote get one lick.
Let me tell you something.
He can't run like Ricky,
though.
I once saw Ricky Henderson leave
first base go up in the
down and slide into third.
I mean, pitcher didn't even get
the ball out his glove.
How about Wade Boggs?
He's pretty good.
What was that?
I saw him play one time.
I was, like, are you going to go
1 for 4 tonight?
And he did.
[laughter]
All right.
That's real good, Terry.
Hey, is he okay?
He's fine.
He might not be the best
storyteller in the world, but he
head of hair.
Yeah, Terry just transferred
town, all right?
My old lady wanted to get a
here.
You know who was a ladies' man.
Who is?
Darryl Dawkins.
I know Darryl Dawkins.
Look here, look here, look here.
I met Darryl Dawkins outside an
Isley Brothers concert, right?
It was Ramadan, right?
day.
And Darryl Dawkins gave me a
grilled cheese sandwich.
Come on now!
Man, that boy had a fro so
high, a bird could fly into it
and come out two weeks later
eggs.
A dozen eggs!
What's that, Terry?
Robin eggs comes out of a
[laughter]
That's a good question,
Terry.
Stranger than fiction, right?
Me and my girl, you know, we
bird watch sometimes.
We get out there, I saw a bird
looking at me one time.
He looked me right in the eye.
Weird.
[laughter]
Terry, I seen your woman,
though.
She's fine.
You want to talk fine?
You better start with miss Pam
Grier.
Miss Foxy Brown.
Man, I saw a movie starring
Pam Grier in 1973 called
The theater got so hot, steam
covered up the whole screen.
Nobody could see a thing.
[laughter]
Man, I dated Pam Grier.
Hand to Jesus.
seasick.
for smuggling out pumpkins.
You know who's really pretty
in a smart way?
Helen Hunt.
Not a bad actress either.
I met her.
That's all right, Helen.
I'm just saying, we're
telling the stories.
True story.
You know, boys, I'm going to
get out of here early today.
Me and my girl are going to see
a concert.
I'll see you tomorrow.
That's cool.
Sheryl Crow.
sheryl crow.
That's my son.
Looks just like Lenny Kravitz.
He does.
[cheering and jeering]
>Hi, boys.
Okay, we're going out.
Are you sure you don't want to
come dancing with us?
No.
Honey, this is an important
game.
All right.
Go, red team.
Wrong team.
Bye.
Love you, sweetie.
All right, have fun.
I need to get out of the man
cave.
♪♪
♪ On the floor
♪ Here's some info
That may come
as a surprise ♪
♪ Sometimes we like to dance
♪ It's a boy dance party
it's a boy dance party ♪
♪ Not homoerotic
Just a couple brothers
unity ♪
Stress away without
We don't dance good
but that's just part
of our charm ♪
♪ So bring your taters
And the chicken wings
Huh ♪
♪ It's a boy dance party
It's a boy dance party
it's a boy dance party
boy dance party ♪
♪ In the olden days
The ladies stayed at home
while the men went to work ♪
♪ But now it's time
For the ladies to get out
so the men can twerk ♪
♪ So grab a beer
Throw your remote
and smoke
♪ If you see a girl nearby
then stop ♪
Almost forgot my phone.
Can you imagine?
Earth to Gwen.
[laughter]
Anyway, sorry for interrupting
macho time.
See you later, you studs.
It's a boy dance party
it's a boy dance party ♪
♪ It's a boy dance party
We're about to break it down
boy jam style.
♪ Fellas spread 'em
Shoulder width
then flex your back
ah yeah ♪
♪ Put your hands
Up in the air
♪ Shake that
shake shake
shake that sack ♪
♪ Shake that
♪ It's a boy dance party
no girls allowed ♪
♪ Boy dance party
Boys like dancing, too!
♪ Boy dance party
[cheers and applause]
Who won?
We did.
[screams]
Perry.
[cheers and applause]
And hold my breath
and make a mess ♪
♪ So I sat quietly
Agreed politely
I had a choice ♪
♪ I let you push me past
The breaking point
so I fell for everything ♪
♪ You held me down
But I got up
already brushing off the dust
you hear my voice ♪
♪ You hear that sound
Like thunder gonna
shake the ground
you held me down♪
Get ready cause
I've had enough
I seen it all ♪
♪ I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger
a fighter
dancing through the fire ♪
And you're gonna hear me roar
louder louder than a lion
cause I am a champion ♪
Gonna hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
like a butterfly ♪
♪ Stinging like a bee
I earned my stripes
I went from zero
But I got up
you hear my voice ♪
♪ You hear that sound
Like thunder gonna
shake the ground
I've had enough
I see it all ♪
♪ I see it now
a fighter
♪ Cause I am a champion
And you're gonna hear me roar
louder louder than a lion
cause I am a champion ♪
♪ And you're gonna
Hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
you're gonna hear me roar
roar-or roar-or ♪
I got the eye of the tiger
a fighter
♪ Cause I am a champion
And you're gonna hear me roar
louder louder than a lion
cause I am a champion ♪
Hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ You'll hear me roar
you're gonna hear me roar ♪
ANNOUNCER: "Weekend Update"
[cheers and applause]
>Hey there, I'm Seth Meyers.
And I'm Cecily Strong.
stories.
press conferences, this week the
shutdown remains in effect.
[laughter]
6,000 medals honoring Pope
Francis after it was discovered
that Jesus had been misspelled.
Kanye West received a shipment
of medals with Yezuz misspelled.
>After 16-year-old Malala who
the Taliban tried to kill for
promoting education for girls
was not given the Nobel peace
prize this week, the Taliban
news.
Taliban is also pretty catty.
>Insiders saying that Prince
Harry may soon propose to his
been using his daily prayer to
admonish members of congress.
Here is Chaplain Barry Black.
Lord, give us strength and
bunch of blubbering knuckleheads
who go on television and spout
Until you want to smack them
across the face with bag full of
quarters.
Ooh, now that's change I can
believe in.
This we humbly ask in your
blessed name.
Amen.
Do you think your prayers have
I hope so.
progress being made yesterday
when Republicans and congress
met face to face with those in
the White House.
So I'm optimistic.
Yes, that was definitely
progress.
But yesterday senator Ted Cruz
proposed to fight even harder to
keep the government shut down.
Really?
Let us pray.
something that makes people want
to pin them on the floor, shove
a sweaty sock in their mouth and
whoop them up and down with a
pillowcase full of skittles.
Make them taste the rainbow.
May they find themselves in a
restroom stall devoid of toilet
paper.
With nothing to use but a
wallet.
A receipt for a small purchase
that they then must tear into
blotting their behinds, grant
them grace to realize that they
are destroying this great
nation.
This we humbly ask in your
I have to say, I can see
Oh, Seth, it's not my job to
judge.
Only to minister to those who
need it.
I'm still optimistic.
already drafted in the senate
Well, I doubt it makes
everyone happy.
No, I don't think so.
But the half supports it.
But the president supports
it.
Not yet.
Let us pray.
Lord, send a flood to
Washington and just drown
everybody.
Or at least allow your cleansing
waters to carry them to a place
far, far away.
Let them float down the
Potomac desperately grabbing at
And Lord, if it's not too much
my hand and pull it back real
quick and run it through my hair
not want to be them.
Thank you so much for your
Absolutely.
Like you said earlier, maybe I
can come every week.
I'm not sure about that.
everyone.
>A dog in Georgia named
Norman has set a new record for
being the fastest dog ever on a
scooter clocking in at a record
time of anything.
>A federal judge ruled this
week that a former intern for a
Chinese language broadcasting
company cannot sue the company
for sexual harassment because
unpaid interns are not
technically employees so
Mama's going to be dropping a
lot of pencils.
[laughter]
>The U.S. Postal Service has
announced that it is destroying
an entire run of
activity-oriented stamps after
they were criticized for
depicting unsafe activities such
as skateboarding without pads.
Guys, what were you thinking?
You know kids will do anything
they see on a stamp.
After a physicist harshly
criticized the hit movie
"Gravity" saying that it
contained a number of
inaccuracies.
For example, there's no way
George Clooney would spend that
much time talking to a woman his
own age.
[laughter]
>Bruce and Kris Jenner
confirmed this week that after
22 years of marriage they're
getting divorced.
that makes perfect sense.
>Bruce and Kris Jenner
getting divorced.
No word yet on who gets to keep
the haircut.
confirmed this week that they
have decided to start looking
>Bruce and Kris Jenner
confirm this week that they're
getting divorced.
"it's sad, but I'm excited to
>It was confirmed this week
masks are getting a divorce.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
>Florida police arrested a
man who was caught in a
McDonald's drive-through wearing
He's been charged with one count
of 'Lovin' It."
[laughter]
>Tide has created a new
self-cleaning shirt that infuses
soap into the ink in the logo
which is released when it gets
You lazy piece of garbage.
[laughter]
>A new set of army
soldiers from getting tattoos
below the elbow or knee.
This news has many soldiers
rushing out to get these tattoos
before the looming cutoff date.
Brooks Wheelan.
[cheers and applause]
Good to see you.
everyone out there rushing to
get tattoos to please stop and
think about it for a minute.
Trust me.
I've made some poor decisions in
I've been fired over
I've locked myself in my own car
trunk.
But none of those mistakes even
come remotely close to this
mistake.
The Anthony Kiedis tribal stamp.
forever.
Those lyrics will never grow
tiresome.
How's that one song go you love
so much?
only tattoo, that's not bad.
After that, I picked up a
nautical star.
I have to ask, what is the
Interesting you should ask,
I'm not into sailing and I don't
I shouldn't be trusted with my
own thoughts.
You would think I'd learn a
lesson from these two things.
But you'd be wrong.
Because immediately after these
boy on my side.
It might make a little bit of
sense had I not grown up in
Having never once seen an ocean
before.
I just walked into a tattoo
guy.
Busch Light can floating down.
But no, it's an ocean.
And there's a whale on the
bottom of it.
Oh, high school Brooks, you're
It's gonna be great being
uncomfortable in public pools
for the rest of your life.
How did you even come up with
that design on your side?
grade.
Were you an art student?
No, not at all.
sketch book than my human body.
I like it.
Don't say that.
I'm saying put
some thought into your tattoos,
Don't just get one to get one.
Make sure it has some meaning.
Will you get one more tatoo?
The lady from Avatar.
The blue Na'vi?
No, Sigourney Weaver.
>In an interview this week
her husband have sex multiple
times a day.
Her husband confirmed the story
>Dutch police have begun
using rats to detect drugs and
So next time you smoke weed in
paranoid about the
>A school in Long Island, New
York, has banned all footballs,
baseballs and other sports
students would get hurt during
recess, which is pretty much par
for the course over at the oh,
weak children.
>"Weekend Update, I'm Seth
I'm Cecily Strong.
>All right, ladies play time
We've got a giant space rock
bearing down on earth.
A half mile wide.
It's a global killer.
The only thing between that
asteroid and the end of planet
earth is us.
I say we blast this sucker and
go home heroes.
Yeah, well if we pull this
Vegas, whole week, emperor's
Nice.
I'm going to have the
president take care of all my
old parking tickets.
bedroom of the White House.
I'd like to see them tell me no.
I'm going to see my daughter,
much I love her.
What about you, Kirby?
I'm going to kiss my little
kitty cat.
[laughter]
What the hell did you just
say?
I'm going to kiss my little
I'm going to kiss him on his
I'm going to give him butterfly
kisses like this.
[laughter]
So that way he knows his Papa
loves him.
All right.
before we hit zero barrier.
Let's run it down one more time.
When we touch down, you fire up
the Armadillo.
Hoo-rah.
Stone Dog, you prep the drill
bit.
You got it boss.
Chance, you get those
hydraulics online.
Kirby, I'm counting on you to
I miss my little kitty cat.
[laughter]
Sometimes when I come home, he's
him up in the air like a little
Lion King.
♪ I love my kitty cat
[applause]
Who the hell is this guy?
happens to be the best drill
He's also banging my daughter.
And sometimes my kitty cat will
make a little piddle in the
kitchen and I have to say, no!
Bad kitty.
Piddle in the box like a
gentlemen.
Then I feel bad for yelling at
him.
Prepare for landing.
Everybody hold on!
That was a rough one.
Everybody okay?
Yeah.
I miss my little kitty cat.
Dog, give me the stats.
We overshot the landing site
chief, we landed on a damn iron
Boss, there's no way we can
get that drill through that
rock.
We're toast.
One of us has to go out there
That means someone ain't
coming home.
It should be Kirby.
Kirby right there.
[laughter]
No, no, I'll do it.
Kirby tell my little girl I love
her.
You can tell her yourself
because I already got someone on
What the hell did you do?
Kirby!
Please tell me you did not give
the nuke to the cat!
Guilty.
knows how to get into little
in the tube.
And the only reason I knew he
If anyone can do the job --
[explosion]
He exploded!
There's a rip in his suit.
the outside.
No!
His teeth are everywhere.
I hate this!
I hate it so much!
Oh, wait.
Give Papa a little kiss before
you save the planet.
This is a fantastic launch
party.
Thanks, man.
I really think this will be big.
Centauri Vodka is a damn good
vodka.
I am the Centauri Vodka centaur.
Would you like a Centauri shot?
Well, thank you.
A taste of fantasy for the
warrior in all of us.
Wow.
He's fantastic.
Yeah, nice touch, Rich.
It adds to the ambience,
right?
Let me introduce you to some of
the investors.
second?
I've got a lot of VIPs to deal
with.
Randy the guy playing my back
legs, I'm worried about him.
He has no air holes back there.
He's an actor.
Can you please just check on
him, please?
I'm telling you, Randy is
[gasping]
See?
He loves it.
Randy loves being an actor.
He had a head cold while they
were shaving my chest.
Just concentrate on being a
centaur and serving free vodka.
Vin Diesel so he can stop
staring at that wall.
Sure, thanks.
Centauri Vodka, the taste
of -- hang on, Randy.
A taste of the fantasy for the
warrior in us all.
Is your butt screaming?
A little.
What?
Doug, you've got to stop with
the Randy stuff.
Okay?
He's all good.
Everybody, I would like to make
a quick announcement.
Okay?
I just wanted to thank you for
coming here tonight.
By coming here tonight you
showed me that --
[laughter]
Come on.
Centauri Vodka.
Bruce Jenner is horrified!
>And when I got back to my
200 roses.
So I said, "Fine.
Aw, Mom.
Being a florist, I'm just
glad that she said yes.
I know how hard it can be to get
back into the dating scene after
Well, it's just nice to see
Mom smiling again.
Well, we should get going
Mama!
Mama, I need you to get
more propane, I'm gonna grill.
He's taking me out to dinner.
Very nice to meet you, Eddie.
I actually have a chun --
children of my --
Wait, what did you say?
I have a son, a child.
You said chun.
No, I said chun, just got a
little tongue tied.
A mixture of child and son.
Why should I let you go out with
my mom if you can't even say
children.
You're spitting right in my
mouth, Eddie.
Phipps!
Oh, man.
I got you so good.
Oh, Mama, he wanted to make a
good impression so bad first
word out of his mouth, chun!
And you got me, Eddie.
You got me.
Maybe we should all go out
for dinner.
I like that.
That sounds good to me.
Mr. Phipps maybe you should take
think outside the chun.
I'm messing with you!
He got me again.
You mean I'm chun.
I'm sorry, Mama.
I'm just having a little fun.
Having a little chun.
Oh, I missed one.
You're starting to upset your
mother.
Dad left because of you.
He said so specifically in his
Oh, yeah?
Well, guess what, baby sis, I
don't care what you say because
I got a new papa, right, Mr.
Phipps.
much fun together.
We can watch movies like "Top
or maybe Forrest Gump.
Mr. Phipps, question for you.
Is your favorite band chun
Please stop.
your mother, Eddie.
Oh, man, I'm just messing
with you.
Hey, Mama, do you remember when
we were in church and I soiled
my chundewear?
No, I'm mistaken, I didn't do
Because I soiled my underwear,
you moron.
Listen to me, you punk.
But you know what you need a
little discipline.
Just been so hard since my papa
left.
you look like you would take
care of me if I was trapped
inside a Japanese office
building.
Broad shoulders, a strong jaw.
You're so strong, take care of
me.
Your chin looks like it was
My chin disappears into my neck.
It looks like an accordion.
But I just wanted to impress
You know what would impress
me, Eddie, if you would just
settle down.
Kid?
Yeah, thirty-chun.
Let's go to dinner.
Good talking to you, Papa.
Thank you.
I need boundaries.
[cheers and applause]
big party house.
Yeah, let's check it out.
Welcome to Sigma.
How about some beer pong?
Yeah, sure.
Just so you know, we play
So you get pretty intense.
Better call mom and daddy to
make sure it's okay.
Ha ha.
All right.
So basic rules, you sink it in
the cup, drink once.
Bounce it, drink twice.
Three in a row, you're on
fire, call the cup and knock it
down it's whistles.
Sink it in the same cup, and you
get the balls back.
What's whistles?
Can you guys whistle?
Yeah.
you have to whistle a song.
Just a chance for us to learn
what makes you a very special
and unique person inside of you.
song to whistle?
We'll whistle it for you.
Okay, I guess.
All right, just a few more
rules.
swat it and bounce it back, and
it lands inside one of your
cups, you have to design your
ideal rollier coaster.
Grab some markers or some
colored pencils and just start
drawing.
[laughter]
Disregard the laws of physics
wildest dreams.
If we like it enough we put
it up on the wall.
>All right, listen to this.
The ball goes around the rim and
goes in, pen pals.
Possibly forming friendships
My pen pal is from Australia.
If you throw it in, you get
to choose a lizard.
Put on your pinstripes and
step up to the plate because
we're putting you in a custom
And you get to choose your own
stats.
That's just something fun
that we do whenever we want to.
drinking in the game.
We can chug.
You can become the conductor
Science project.
Show them.
but I wanted you to see it.
Can we just start the game?
We don't know how to play.
You just told us the rules.
Yeah, me either.
[cheers and applause]
I'm walking on air
tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ You're giving me sweet
Sweet ecstasy
yeah you take me to utopia ♪
♪ You reading me
Like erotica
boy you make me feel
♪ Just when I think
than ever before ♪
♪ We go higher and higher
I feel like I'm already there
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air tonight ♪
I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking on air tonight
This is pure paradise
of our love ♪
♪ Yes we make angels cry
Reigning down on earth
from up above ♪
♪ Just when I think
I can't take anymore
we go deeper and harder
than ever before ♪
♪ We go higher and higher
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air tonight ♪
♪ I'm walking on air
I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight ♪
♪ I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air
tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
I'm walking on air
heaven is jealous
of our love, oh yeah ♪
♪ Angels are crying
From up above, oh yeah
tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking
I'm walking on air
tonight I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ Tonight
I'm walking on air
I'm walking
I'm walking on air ♪
I'm walking on air
tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air ♪
[cheers and applause]
Like a lot of people, I love
to smoke.
But my friends and family always
make me go outside to do it.
So that's why I now use e-Meth,
it's crystal meth, but
electronic.
smoke.
That means I can ride the ice
pony anywhere I want.
Smoking is a social thing
for me.
know what to do with my hands.
But now I do know what to do
Smoke meth.
[coughs]
It's good.
Thanks to e-Meth.
Now I don't need to leave the
Mama can smoke that chunky white
crunch anywhere.
At the office.
At the grocery store.
In a bathtub in the middle of
the road.
Or face down in a big old tire.
e-Meth is healthier because
it doesn't contain anti-freeze.
But it still has that great meth
taste.
E-Meth lets me get totally
gacked up whoop-chicken without
yellowing my teeth.
Perfectly white.
What?
Hello?
Thanks to e-Meth, I can even
smoke Inside my favorite
smoke meth in here.
It's okay, it's electronic.
I don't care, you're in my
living room and you're naked.
[laughter]
e-Meth is not for everyone.
Talk to your doctor if you
experience body rot, face melt,
painful death or fatigue.
it's blue, bitch.
[cheers and applause]
cast and crew.
Thank you so much.
Careful going home.
Walking home.
beautiful?
Besides me, I mean?
Get over yourself, Kazanski.
No, come on.
[explosion]
I think some debris hit the
telescope.
Oh, my God!
We're detached.
What do we do?
Stay calm.
Houston?
We've been hit be debris and
you copy?
Houston, come in.
desperately, Houston.
Somebody?
Yello?
[laughter]
This is Dr. Janet Stone.
We've become detached from the
oxygen and dropping.
Please advise.
Mission control is not here
right now, but can I take a
message?
[laughter]
What do you mean they're not
here?
Well, this is awkward, but
[cheers and applause]
employee in the place.
months ago.
If you can give us
international space station we
may have a small chance for
survival.
Okay.
Let me get a pen here.
I'm going to say that Janet from
And I'm going to say this is
very important.
Okay, all set.
Houston, no.
We need a plan of action to get
back to earth.
might be kind of dumb.
Houston, there are no dumb
ideas.
In Willy Wonka, Charlie and
That is a dumb idea.
I'm at 2% oxygen.
If that's the case, why don't
we make this asphyxiation an
Hey, guys, I think I see
someone who might know something
about space.
Come on in.
Tell them what you know.
Treks," "Deep Nine Space" and
"Battlegar Galaspartica."
No, we need coordinates for
the ISS.
Yes, but maybe you get him
job, okay?
He need money so we can move
back to Ukraine where government
is more stable.
running out of time.
Neither can congress.
Oh, you funny.
You are funny.
Rover pop some wheelies?
Houston?
Hello, Houston?
Oh, my God.
If anyone can hear this
transmission, we are lost in
space.
ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday
Night Live"!
Aidy Bryant
Taran Killam
Kate McKinnon
Seth Meyers
Bobby Moynihan
Jay Pharoah
Mike O'Brien
Noel Wells
Brooks Wheelan
Katy Perry!
Bruce Willis!
Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be hosting
"Saturday Night Live."
oh, my goodness.
The last time I hosted the show
If you had told me back then
there were going to be six Die
Hards," I would have said that
seems a little too many.
A lot of change for me in the
I now have three beautiful grown
daughters.
[applause]
And last year my wife and I were
blessed with another baby.
My baby Mabel Rae.
And I'm so very happy to have
four daughters.
Hey, Bruce.
Bobby, how you doing?
Bruce, I need to say
I know how bummed you are that
you don't have a son.
I'm not bummed.
I just want you to know that
you have been a hero to me since
the first time we worked
together.
When did we work together?
I was the baby in "Look Who's
Talking."
It was me.
Yeah, no, it was.
I just want you to know that
ever since then, I have been
Bobby.
I've always loved your
movies, and I know you play
harmonica.
And I myself studied harmonica
for many years.
Neither did I.
Would you mind?
I wouldn't mind at all.
This is the greatest.
Willis?
♪♪
[plays harmonica very poorly]
♪♪
[plays harmonica very poorly]
[plays harmonica very poorly]
We have a great show tonight.
Katy Perry's here.
Stick around.
[cheers and applause]
>Are you exhausted?
Feeling overwhelmed?
Sure, everyone could use a
little extra energy, but you
you're dating an actress.
You're just jealous Mama!
Introducing 24-hour Energy
for dating actresses because for
her all the world's a stage.
I guess mother was right
about me.
Whether she's trying out a
I'm a German woman.
I'm a German woman.
I am a German woman.
the call back.
[bleep] my life!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Or that she did get the call
back.
They want to see me on
Monday!
Yes!
Yes!
Now you'll have the energy
you need to tell her she was
Other blinds are too flimsy.
blinds.
Or hang out with her actor
tunes in your face.
Or even see her latest Off-
Broadway performance.
I'm scared.
Funny, you don't look scared.
[laughter]
Go ahead, date that actress.
You can handle it.
Bravo!
Yes, yes.
And the award goes to you,
Morgan.
And now for women, 24-hour
Energy for dating comedians.
Hey, anybody need a stool
>Today's the big day,
gentlemen.
I hope you got your sleep.
The raid on Al Jafar's compound
Takes place in 3:00 hours.
Hernandez?
All right, approach the left
flank, establish a perimeter,
Montrose.
I head to the main power
grid, I get the signal, I cut
the juice.
Zarnicky.
I walk up to the front door
and kick it in.
Bad guys look at me, I smile,
and I say, "anybody order a
pizza?"
[laughter]
They reach for their guns, I'm
faster.
Pop, pop, pop.
Dead just like that.
But there's a fourth guy, I didn't
see.
He's standing behind me.
He tells me to drop the gun.
I do.
up, surprise, I have a knife on
Kick him in the throat.
Falls to the ground.
I turn and say to myself
"Where are you hiding Jafar?"
Close.
Your job is to wait in the van
and make sure communications
don't go down.
[laughter]
I'm on extraction.
Two apaches three clicks out.
Night vision goggles on.
We stay quiet.
Wrong.
Zarnicky?
I go in loud, I let them know
I'm there.
I yell, "the game is up Al
Jafar!"
You're like a pebble in my shoe.
But in order to find me you'll
Uh-oh, is the bodyguard big?
Montrose.
Don't encourage him.
He's coming towards me.
He sees something on the floor.
I got a knife.
The end of my boot.
And I kick him in the throat.
You just happened to see
something on the floor?
It doesn't matter.
No, you're not.
You're in the van making sure
I'm running the grab team.
Intelligence put him in the
it was booby-trapped, kaboom.
I drop to the ground and cradle
your head in my hands.
My head?
Then I look at you and I say,
don't you dare die on me.
breath, you say, you were always
my hero.
Yeah, I would not say that.
[laughter]
I look to the heavens and I
scream Jafar.
say, we met again.
Again?
Have you met before?
He opens his shirt, bomb
strapped to his chest.
together.
I smirk, of course.
But I have other plans.
Because, surprise, you have a
knife.
You have a knife in your
[laughter]
Kick my boot across the room,
the knife goes into his neck but
not before it hits the
detonator.
I don't have that much time.
I forget my keys.
The bomb goes off and I fall to
my certain death.
driving by.
Afghanistan?
an ugly one.
I give her a devilish grin
ex-husband.
Fade to black.
black?
You want to see what I mean,
you'll all follow me or stay
here with this guy and play it
by the books.
S.E.A.L.S.
I do want to see that Ferrari.
[cheers and applause]
>Did you see that game last
night?
Did you see that boy
Ellsbury steal that base last
night?
Ain't nobody fast as Lou Brock.
Whoo!
Lou Brock could get a pork chop
past a coyote.
I saw it happen.
It was 1964.
Pork chop day at the ballpark.
A coyote ran out on the field
and Lou Brock didn't let that
coyote get one lick.
Let me tell you something.
He can't run like Ricky,
though.
I once saw Ricky Henderson leave
first base go up in the
down and slide into third.
I mean, pitcher didn't even get
the ball out his glove.
How about Wade Boggs?
He's pretty good.
What was that?
I saw him play one time.
I was, like, are you going to go
1 for 4 tonight?
And he did.
[laughter]
All right.
That's real good, Terry.
Hey, is he okay?
He's fine.
He might not be the best
storyteller in the world, but he
head of hair.
Yeah, Terry just transferred
town, all right?
My old lady wanted to get a
here.
You know who was a ladies' man.
Who is?
Darryl Dawkins.
I know Darryl Dawkins.
Look here, look here, look here.
I met Darryl Dawkins outside an
Isley Brothers concert, right?
It was Ramadan, right?
day.
And Darryl Dawkins gave me a
grilled cheese sandwich.
Come on now!
Man, that boy had a fro so
high, a bird could fly into it
and come out two weeks later
eggs.
A dozen eggs!
What's that, Terry?
Robin eggs comes out of a
[laughter]
That's a good question,
Terry.
Stranger than fiction, right?
Me and my girl, you know, we
bird watch sometimes.
We get out there, I saw a bird
looking at me one time.
He looked me right in the eye.
Weird.
[laughter]
Terry, I seen your woman,
though.
She's fine.
You want to talk fine?
You better start with miss Pam
Grier.
Miss Foxy Brown.
Man, I saw a movie starring
Pam Grier in 1973 called
The theater got so hot, steam
covered up the whole screen.
Nobody could see a thing.
[laughter]
Man, I dated Pam Grier.
Hand to Jesus.
seasick.
for smuggling out pumpkins.
You know who's really pretty
in a smart way?
Helen Hunt.
Not a bad actress either.
I met her.
That's all right, Helen.
I'm just saying, we're
telling the stories.
True story.
You know, boys, I'm going to
get out of here early today.
Me and my girl are going to see
a concert.
I'll see you tomorrow.
That's cool.
Sheryl Crow.
sheryl crow.
That's my son.
Looks just like Lenny Kravitz.
He does.
[cheering and jeering]
>Hi, boys.
Okay, we're going out.
Are you sure you don't want to
come dancing with us?
No.
Honey, this is an important
game.
All right.
Go, red team.
Wrong team.
Bye.
Love you, sweetie.
All right, have fun.
I need to get out of the man
cave.
♪♪
♪ On the floor
♪ Here's some info
That may come
as a surprise ♪
♪ Sometimes we like to dance
♪ It's a boy dance party
it's a boy dance party ♪
♪ Not homoerotic
Just a couple brothers
unity ♪
Stress away without
We don't dance good
but that's just part
of our charm ♪
♪ So bring your taters
And the chicken wings
Huh ♪
♪ It's a boy dance party
It's a boy dance party
it's a boy dance party
boy dance party ♪
♪ In the olden days
The ladies stayed at home
while the men went to work ♪
♪ But now it's time
For the ladies to get out
so the men can twerk ♪
♪ So grab a beer
Throw your remote
and smoke
♪ If you see a girl nearby
then stop ♪
Almost forgot my phone.
Can you imagine?
Earth to Gwen.
[laughter]
Anyway, sorry for interrupting
macho time.
See you later, you studs.
It's a boy dance party
it's a boy dance party ♪
♪ It's a boy dance party
We're about to break it down
boy jam style.
♪ Fellas spread 'em
Shoulder width
then flex your back
ah yeah ♪
♪ Put your hands
Up in the air
♪ Shake that
shake shake
shake that sack ♪
♪ Shake that
♪ It's a boy dance party
no girls allowed ♪
♪ Boy dance party
Boys like dancing, too!
♪ Boy dance party
[cheers and applause]
Who won?
We did.
[screams]
Perry.
[cheers and applause]
And hold my breath
and make a mess ♪
♪ So I sat quietly
Agreed politely
I had a choice ♪
♪ I let you push me past
The breaking point
so I fell for everything ♪
♪ You held me down
But I got up
already brushing off the dust
you hear my voice ♪
♪ You hear that sound
Like thunder gonna
shake the ground
you held me down♪
Get ready cause
I've had enough
I seen it all ♪
♪ I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger
a fighter
dancing through the fire ♪
And you're gonna hear me roar
louder louder than a lion
cause I am a champion ♪
Gonna hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
like a butterfly ♪
♪ Stinging like a bee
I earned my stripes
I went from zero
But I got up
you hear my voice ♪
♪ You hear that sound
Like thunder gonna
shake the ground
I've had enough
I see it all ♪
♪ I see it now
a fighter
♪ Cause I am a champion
And you're gonna hear me roar
louder louder than a lion
cause I am a champion ♪
♪ And you're gonna
Hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
you're gonna hear me roar
roar-or roar-or ♪
I got the eye of the tiger
a fighter
♪ Cause I am a champion
And you're gonna hear me roar
louder louder than a lion
cause I am a champion ♪
Hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ You'll hear me roar
you're gonna hear me roar ♪
ANNOUNCER: "Weekend Update"
[cheers and applause]
>Hey there, I'm Seth Meyers.
And I'm Cecily Strong.
stories.
press conferences, this week the
shutdown remains in effect.
[laughter]
6,000 medals honoring Pope
Francis after it was discovered
that Jesus had been misspelled.
Kanye West received a shipment
of medals with Yezuz misspelled.
>After 16-year-old Malala who
the Taliban tried to kill for
promoting education for girls
was not given the Nobel peace
prize this week, the Taliban
news.
Taliban is also pretty catty.
>Insiders saying that Prince
Harry may soon propose to his
been using his daily prayer to
admonish members of congress.
Here is Chaplain Barry Black.
Lord, give us strength and
bunch of blubbering knuckleheads
who go on television and spout
Until you want to smack them
across the face with bag full of
quarters.
Ooh, now that's change I can
believe in.
This we humbly ask in your
blessed name.
Amen.
Do you think your prayers have
I hope so.
progress being made yesterday
when Republicans and congress
met face to face with those in
the White House.
So I'm optimistic.
Yes, that was definitely
progress.
But yesterday senator Ted Cruz
proposed to fight even harder to
keep the government shut down.
Really?
Let us pray.
something that makes people want
to pin them on the floor, shove
a sweaty sock in their mouth and
whoop them up and down with a
pillowcase full of skittles.
Make them taste the rainbow.
May they find themselves in a
restroom stall devoid of toilet
paper.
With nothing to use but a
wallet.
A receipt for a small purchase
that they then must tear into
blotting their behinds, grant
them grace to realize that they
are destroying this great
nation.
This we humbly ask in your
I have to say, I can see
Oh, Seth, it's not my job to
judge.
Only to minister to those who
need it.
I'm still optimistic.
already drafted in the senate
Well, I doubt it makes
everyone happy.
No, I don't think so.
But the half supports it.
But the president supports
it.
Not yet.
Let us pray.
Lord, send a flood to
Washington and just drown
everybody.
Or at least allow your cleansing
waters to carry them to a place
far, far away.
Let them float down the
Potomac desperately grabbing at
And Lord, if it's not too much
my hand and pull it back real
quick and run it through my hair
not want to be them.
Thank you so much for your
Absolutely.
Like you said earlier, maybe I
can come every week.
I'm not sure about that.
everyone.
>A dog in Georgia named
Norman has set a new record for
being the fastest dog ever on a
scooter clocking in at a record
time of anything.
>A federal judge ruled this
week that a former intern for a
Chinese language broadcasting
company cannot sue the company
for sexual harassment because
unpaid interns are not
technically employees so
Mama's going to be dropping a
lot of pencils.
[laughter]
>The U.S. Postal Service has
announced that it is destroying
an entire run of
activity-oriented stamps after
they were criticized for
depicting unsafe activities such
as skateboarding without pads.
Guys, what were you thinking?
You know kids will do anything
they see on a stamp.
After a physicist harshly
criticized the hit movie
"Gravity" saying that it
contained a number of
inaccuracies.
For example, there's no way
George Clooney would spend that
much time talking to a woman his
own age.
[laughter]
>Bruce and Kris Jenner
confirmed this week that after
22 years of marriage they're
getting divorced.
that makes perfect sense.
>Bruce and Kris Jenner
getting divorced.
No word yet on who gets to keep
the haircut.
confirmed this week that they
have decided to start looking
>Bruce and Kris Jenner
confirm this week that they're
getting divorced.
"it's sad, but I'm excited to
>It was confirmed this week
masks are getting a divorce.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
>Florida police arrested a
man who was caught in a
McDonald's drive-through wearing
He's been charged with one count
of 'Lovin' It."
[laughter]
>Tide has created a new
self-cleaning shirt that infuses
soap into the ink in the logo
which is released when it gets
You lazy piece of garbage.
[laughter]
>A new set of army
soldiers from getting tattoos
below the elbow or knee.
This news has many soldiers
rushing out to get these tattoos
before the looming cutoff date.
Brooks Wheelan.
[cheers and applause]
Good to see you.
everyone out there rushing to
get tattoos to please stop and
think about it for a minute.
Trust me.
I've made some poor decisions in
I've been fired over
I've locked myself in my own car
trunk.
But none of those mistakes even
come remotely close to this
mistake.
The Anthony Kiedis tribal stamp.
forever.
Those lyrics will never grow
tiresome.
How's that one song go you love
so much?
only tattoo, that's not bad.
After that, I picked up a
nautical star.
I have to ask, what is the
Interesting you should ask,
I'm not into sailing and I don't
I shouldn't be trusted with my
own thoughts.
You would think I'd learn a
lesson from these two things.
But you'd be wrong.
Because immediately after these
boy on my side.
It might make a little bit of
sense had I not grown up in
Having never once seen an ocean
before.
I just walked into a tattoo
guy.
Busch Light can floating down.
But no, it's an ocean.
And there's a whale on the
bottom of it.
Oh, high school Brooks, you're
It's gonna be great being
uncomfortable in public pools
for the rest of your life.
How did you even come up with
that design on your side?
grade.
Were you an art student?
No, not at all.
sketch book than my human body.
I like it.
Don't say that.
I'm saying put
some thought into your tattoos,
Don't just get one to get one.
Make sure it has some meaning.
Will you get one more tatoo?
The lady from Avatar.
The blue Na'vi?
No, Sigourney Weaver.
>In an interview this week
her husband have sex multiple
times a day.
Her husband confirmed the story
>Dutch police have begun
using rats to detect drugs and
So next time you smoke weed in
paranoid about the
>A school in Long Island, New
York, has banned all footballs,
baseballs and other sports
students would get hurt during
recess, which is pretty much par
for the course over at the oh,
weak children.
>"Weekend Update, I'm Seth
I'm Cecily Strong.
>All right, ladies play time
We've got a giant space rock
bearing down on earth.
A half mile wide.
It's a global killer.
The only thing between that
asteroid and the end of planet
earth is us.
I say we blast this sucker and
go home heroes.
Yeah, well if we pull this
Vegas, whole week, emperor's
Nice.
I'm going to have the
president take care of all my
old parking tickets.
bedroom of the White House.
I'd like to see them tell me no.
I'm going to see my daughter,
much I love her.
What about you, Kirby?
I'm going to kiss my little
kitty cat.
[laughter]
What the hell did you just
say?
I'm going to kiss my little
I'm going to kiss him on his
I'm going to give him butterfly
kisses like this.
[laughter]
So that way he knows his Papa
loves him.
All right.
before we hit zero barrier.
Let's run it down one more time.
When we touch down, you fire up
the Armadillo.
Hoo-rah.
Stone Dog, you prep the drill
bit.
You got it boss.
Chance, you get those
hydraulics online.
Kirby, I'm counting on you to
I miss my little kitty cat.
[laughter]
Sometimes when I come home, he's
him up in the air like a little
Lion King.
♪ I love my kitty cat
[applause]
Who the hell is this guy?
happens to be the best drill
He's also banging my daughter.
And sometimes my kitty cat will
make a little piddle in the
kitchen and I have to say, no!
Bad kitty.
Piddle in the box like a
gentlemen.
Then I feel bad for yelling at
him.
Prepare for landing.
Everybody hold on!
That was a rough one.
Everybody okay?
Yeah.
I miss my little kitty cat.
Dog, give me the stats.
We overshot the landing site
chief, we landed on a damn iron
Boss, there's no way we can
get that drill through that
rock.
We're toast.
One of us has to go out there
That means someone ain't
coming home.
It should be Kirby.
Kirby right there.
[laughter]
No, no, I'll do it.
Kirby tell my little girl I love
her.
You can tell her yourself
because I already got someone on
What the hell did you do?
Kirby!
Please tell me you did not give
the nuke to the cat!
Guilty.
knows how to get into little
in the tube.
And the only reason I knew he
If anyone can do the job --
[explosion]
He exploded!
There's a rip in his suit.
the outside.
No!
His teeth are everywhere.
I hate this!
I hate it so much!
Oh, wait.
Give Papa a little kiss before
you save the planet.
This is a fantastic launch
party.
Thanks, man.
I really think this will be big.
Centauri Vodka is a damn good
vodka.
I am the Centauri Vodka centaur.
Would you like a Centauri shot?
Well, thank you.
A taste of fantasy for the
warrior in all of us.
Wow.
He's fantastic.
Yeah, nice touch, Rich.
It adds to the ambience,
right?
Let me introduce you to some of
the investors.
second?
I've got a lot of VIPs to deal
with.
Randy the guy playing my back
legs, I'm worried about him.
He has no air holes back there.
He's an actor.
Can you please just check on
him, please?
I'm telling you, Randy is
[gasping]
See?
He loves it.
Randy loves being an actor.
He had a head cold while they
were shaving my chest.
Just concentrate on being a
centaur and serving free vodka.
Vin Diesel so he can stop
staring at that wall.
Sure, thanks.
Centauri Vodka, the taste
of -- hang on, Randy.
A taste of the fantasy for the
warrior in us all.
Is your butt screaming?
A little.
What?
Doug, you've got to stop with
the Randy stuff.
Okay?
He's all good.
Everybody, I would like to make
a quick announcement.
Okay?
I just wanted to thank you for
coming here tonight.
By coming here tonight you
showed me that --
[laughter]
Come on.
Centauri Vodka.
Bruce Jenner is horrified!
>And when I got back to my
200 roses.
So I said, "Fine.
Aw, Mom.
Being a florist, I'm just
glad that she said yes.
I know how hard it can be to get
back into the dating scene after
Well, it's just nice to see
Mom smiling again.
Well, we should get going
Mama!
Mama, I need you to get
more propane, I'm gonna grill.
He's taking me out to dinner.
Very nice to meet you, Eddie.
I actually have a chun --
children of my --
Wait, what did you say?
I have a son, a child.
You said chun.
No, I said chun, just got a
little tongue tied.
A mixture of child and son.
Why should I let you go out with
my mom if you can't even say
children.
You're spitting right in my
mouth, Eddie.
Phipps!
Oh, man.
I got you so good.
Oh, Mama, he wanted to make a
good impression so bad first
word out of his mouth, chun!
And you got me, Eddie.
You got me.
Maybe we should all go out
for dinner.
I like that.
That sounds good to me.
Mr. Phipps maybe you should take
think outside the chun.
I'm messing with you!
He got me again.
You mean I'm chun.
I'm sorry, Mama.
I'm just having a little fun.
Having a little chun.
Oh, I missed one.
You're starting to upset your
mother.
Dad left because of you.
He said so specifically in his
Oh, yeah?
Well, guess what, baby sis, I
don't care what you say because
I got a new papa, right, Mr.
Phipps.
much fun together.
We can watch movies like "Top
or maybe Forrest Gump.
Mr. Phipps, question for you.
Is your favorite band chun
Please stop.
your mother, Eddie.
Oh, man, I'm just messing
with you.
Hey, Mama, do you remember when
we were in church and I soiled
my chundewear?
No, I'm mistaken, I didn't do
Because I soiled my underwear,
you moron.
Listen to me, you punk.
But you know what you need a
little discipline.
Just been so hard since my papa
left.
you look like you would take
care of me if I was trapped
inside a Japanese office
building.
Broad shoulders, a strong jaw.
You're so strong, take care of
me.
Your chin looks like it was
My chin disappears into my neck.
It looks like an accordion.
But I just wanted to impress
You know what would impress
me, Eddie, if you would just
settle down.
Kid?
Yeah, thirty-chun.
Let's go to dinner.
Good talking to you, Papa.
Thank you.
I need boundaries.
[cheers and applause]
big party house.
Yeah, let's check it out.
Welcome to Sigma.
How about some beer pong?
Yeah, sure.
Just so you know, we play
So you get pretty intense.
Better call mom and daddy to
make sure it's okay.
Ha ha.
All right.
So basic rules, you sink it in
the cup, drink once.
Bounce it, drink twice.
Three in a row, you're on
fire, call the cup and knock it
down it's whistles.
Sink it in the same cup, and you
get the balls back.
What's whistles?
Can you guys whistle?
Yeah.
you have to whistle a song.
Just a chance for us to learn
what makes you a very special
and unique person inside of you.
song to whistle?
We'll whistle it for you.
Okay, I guess.
All right, just a few more
rules.
swat it and bounce it back, and
it lands inside one of your
cups, you have to design your
ideal rollier coaster.
Grab some markers or some
colored pencils and just start
drawing.
[laughter]
Disregard the laws of physics
wildest dreams.
If we like it enough we put
it up on the wall.
>All right, listen to this.
The ball goes around the rim and
goes in, pen pals.
Possibly forming friendships
My pen pal is from Australia.
If you throw it in, you get
to choose a lizard.
Put on your pinstripes and
step up to the plate because
we're putting you in a custom
And you get to choose your own
stats.
That's just something fun
that we do whenever we want to.
drinking in the game.
We can chug.
You can become the conductor
Science project.
Show them.
but I wanted you to see it.
Can we just start the game?
We don't know how to play.
You just told us the rules.
Yeah, me either.
[cheers and applause]
I'm walking on air
tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ You're giving me sweet
Sweet ecstasy
yeah you take me to utopia ♪
♪ You reading me
Like erotica
boy you make me feel
♪ Just when I think
than ever before ♪
♪ We go higher and higher
I feel like I'm already there
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air tonight ♪
I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking on air tonight
This is pure paradise
of our love ♪
♪ Yes we make angels cry
Reigning down on earth
from up above ♪
♪ Just when I think
I can't take anymore
we go deeper and harder
than ever before ♪
♪ We go higher and higher
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight
I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air tonight ♪
♪ I'm walking on air
I'm walking
I'm walking on air tonight ♪
♪ I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air
tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
I'm walking on air
heaven is jealous
of our love, oh yeah ♪
♪ Angels are crying
From up above, oh yeah
tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I'm walking
I'm walking on air
tonight I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air ♪
♪ Tonight
I'm walking on air
I'm walking
I'm walking on air ♪
I'm walking on air
tonight, tonight, tonight
I'm walking on air ♪
I'm walking on air
I'm walking on air ♪
[cheers and applause]
Like a lot of people, I love
to smoke.
But my friends and family always
make me go outside to do it.
So that's why I now use e-Meth,
it's crystal meth, but
electronic.
smoke.
That means I can ride the ice
pony anywhere I want.
Smoking is a social thing
for me.
know what to do with my hands.
But now I do know what to do
Smoke meth.
[coughs]
It's good.
Thanks to e-Meth.
Now I don't need to leave the
Mama can smoke that chunky white
crunch anywhere.
At the office.
At the grocery store.
In a bathtub in the middle of
the road.
Or face down in a big old tire.
e-Meth is healthier because
it doesn't contain anti-freeze.
But it still has that great meth
taste.
E-Meth lets me get totally
gacked up whoop-chicken without
yellowing my teeth.
Perfectly white.
What?
Hello?
Thanks to e-Meth, I can even
smoke Inside my favorite
smoke meth in here.
It's okay, it's electronic.
I don't care, you're in my
living room and you're naked.
[laughter]
e-Meth is not for everyone.
Talk to your doctor if you
experience body rot, face melt,
painful death or fatigue.
it's blue, bitch.
[cheers and applause]
cast and crew.
Thank you so much.
Careful going home.
Walking home.