Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 39, Episode 16 - Louis C.K./Sam Smith - full transcript

 

>> I've got to hand it to you,

Mike, that appearance -- that

appearance on Between Two Ferns

really got the affordable care

act a lot of buzz.

>> The credit goes to Mara, our

social media expert, she brought

us your Galifianakis thing and the idea

to post your NCAA bracket online.

>> Oh, Mr. President, it was just



an honor to be involved.

>> Mara was also behind viral sensations

like planking and icanhascheezeburger.

>> And after we're through everybody's

gonna be saying Icanhashealthcare.

>> Well let's keep it going.

The deadline to sign up is on Monday.

>> Sir, I think if you trust

Mara, she'll get you at least

What do we need to do?

>> Let's start with Instagram.

The White House account is

mostly pictures of you meeting

the leader of Ukraine and



talking to school kids --

[ snoring ]

So let's do something totally viral.

Come on in, guys.

What we're going to do is you're

e-cigarette to vape on.

Buzzfeed is going to eat this up.

>> I don't know, Mike, this

seems to be sending off the

wrong -- I don't think we should

do this.

>> And three, two, one.

Okay, got it.

>> Mr. President, there's

millions of people out there who

need health care.

You're the one who wanted to do this.

>> Okay. Put it up.

>> Great. Let's move on to Twitter.

Ellen DeGeneres broke your

record for most retweeted photo of all time.

Today we want to take it back

with a photo that's supes buzzy.

Let's bring in Kim Kardashian,

Harry Styles, a cat dressed like

Princess Elsa from Frozen, and Batkid.

>> Hello.

I love history.

You know.

Hey, you're the president, right?

Are you like on money?

Why did they take my phone away

from me?

>> Three, two, one.

Got it.

>> That was so weird.

I'm just like, what room is this?

This place is like crazy, this is like

the Marley Simmons' house.

I don't even know what's happening, you guys.

>> I'm not sure about this.

>> Good news.

That photo from Instagram has been

faved 152,000 times.

>> But isn't it a little silly?

>> Mr. President, I'll tell what

you is silly.

Right now there is a pregnant

woman in Denver who has no

health insurance.

That is silly.

>> Okay.

Fine.

Post it.

>> All right.

So moving on.

You know who is hot right now?

The pope.

So lets get him in here.

Your holiness.

 

>> You got Pope Francis?

>> Yeah.

>> We met at Bonnaroo.

He loves affordable healthcare.

Thank you so much for coming.

>> It's no problemo.

>> For the next video, it is

going to be a vine video and we want

to see you dancing the na-na.

Alright, hit it.

>> I don't know.

It seems to send the wrong message.

I don't think we should --

>> Three, two -- okay, got it.

>> Mike, I really think we

should hold off on sending that.

>> Mr. President, right now

there is a child in Little Rock

and he wants to see a day where

everyone has affordable health

insurance but he can't.

And you know why?

Because he was born without eyes.

>> All right.

All right.

Fine, go ahead and post it.

Anything else?

>> Actually there is one more

photo we think will be huge, if

you're up for it.

>> Yeah, we want you to kiss

Justin Bieber on the lips.

>> Excuse me.

No way.

>> Sir, let me tell you a story.

I recently met a 10-year-old girl

in St. Louis who no health insurance.

She has a heart of gold.

It's a rare and horrible condition.

Her heart is made of gold.

She needs healthcare, Mr. President.

>> All right, fine.

Let's do it.

>> Come on in, Justin.

[ applause ]

[ laughter ]

>> I guess I'll kiss the president.

President probably doesn't want

to kiss me.

Who would want to kiss this

stupid old face?

[ laughter ]

>> All right.

All right.

Okay.

[ laughter ]

>> Oh, my gosh.

>> That was beautiful.

>> Sir, you made history.

>> You think so?

>> Well then, live from New

York, it's Saturday Night.

 

>> ANNOUNCER: It's "Saturday Night Live"

with Vanessa Bayer

 

Aidy Bryant

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Nasim Pedrad

Jay Pharoah

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

featuring Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

John Milhiser

Kyle Mooney

Mike O'Brien

Noel Wells

Brooks Wheelan

Sasheer Zamata

 

musical guest, Sam Smith.

And your host Louis C.K.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.

[ cheering and applause ]

>> Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[ cheering and applause ]

>> Why, thank you.

Okay.

That's very nice.

I hope somebody does that for

you some day.

[ laughter ]

>> That was a very nice thing.

I hope you had a good day.

All I could do about it is hope.

I had a pretty good day.

I went out shopping for some

things I needed and now I don't

need them because I got them.

I got a white noise machine.

Do you know what those are?

It is a machine that helps white

people sleep at night.

It shouldn't be able to.

I am hungry.

I'm a little hungry.

I mean I feel hungry.

I think Americans shouldn't say

I'm hungry.

You should say I feel hungry.

If you ate today, you shouldn't

say I'm hungry.

Hunger is a real thing.

I don't have third world hunger,

I have first world hunger.

I would like a donut.

[ laughter ]

>> Some people say I'm starving.

That's offensive.

I'm starving.

I haven't eaten since 2:00, I'm starving.

Don't say that.

Because some people are starving

and they don't say it.

You never see a little kid in

Africa with his ribs showing

saying, I am, like, starving

right now.

I'm, like, literally starving to death.

It's, like, annoying.

 

I have two kids.

I went to my daughter's play the

other day.

I don't know if you have kids,

but there is no more joyful

feeling in the human experience

than when a child's play is over.

[ laughter ]

>> Nothing feels that good.

When you can say I am not

watching that any longer.

Every second my daughter is on

stage, I can't breathe because

I'm so proud of her, but this is

a bad show.

[ laughter ]

>> They worked really hard and

it didn't make it good.

[ laughter ]

>> I'm glad I'm raising girls,

though, because boys -- I don't

like boys.

I just don't like boys.

That is probably a good thing to say.

I don't like boys.

I mean, I don't think women are

better than men, but I do think

that men are worse than women.

[ laughter ]

>> We just have -- like I was

talking to my friend and he said

his girlfriend is mad at him and

I said what happened.

Well, I guess I said something

and then she got her feelings hurt.

That is a weird way to phrase it.

She got her feelings hurt.

I said something and then she --

could you more remove yourself

from responsibility?

She got her feelings hurt.

It is like saying, yeah, I shot

this guy in the face and then I guess

he got himself murdered.

[ laughter ]

>> I just shot -- he leaned into it.

I didn't know.

[ laughter ]

>> I've never been murdered.

[ laughter ]

>> I'm going to die some day.

I accept that.

I don't know what happens afterwards.

Some people say you go to heaven.

I'm totally going to heaven.

By the way, this is the only voice I

know how to do.

That is the only voice I have.

I can't do impressions.

This is my impression of the president.

I'm the first black president.

 

I'm like, literally, the first

black president.

[ laughter ]

>> Do you guys think there is a heaven?

If you believe you're going to heaven,

clap if you think you're going to heaven.

You think you're going to heaven?

>> Yes.

>> Really.

How old are you?

>> 21.

>> And you're a lock for heaven already.

Been a grown-up for three years,

you couldn't possibly make a mistake.

Well good luck.

Personally, I don't think there

is a heaven.

I think maybe there's a God,

but there's no heaven.

That is the best news you get.

You die and you're like, hey

God, where is heaven?

And he's like, I don't know

who's telling people that.

I'm supposed to make a universe

and then another whole amazing

place for afterwards?

You guys are greedy dicks down there.

[ laughter ]

>> Well, where do I go?

Just stand in this room with me now.

I don't like it.

Tell me about it, I've been here

since 1983 or whatever.

I don't know when God started.

I'm not religious.

I don't know if there is a God.

I just say I don't know.

Some people say they know there isn't.

That is a weird thing to think

you can know.

Are you sure there is no God?

Yeah, no, there's no God.

How do you know?

'cause I didn't see him.

There's a vast universe.

You can see for about 100 yards

when there's not a building in the way.

Did you look everywhere?

Did you look in the downstairs bathroom?

Where have you looked so far?

I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave yet,

it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I'm waiting until it comes on cable.

I think if there is a God,

I don't know if it's the one in the Bible,

'cause that's a weird story.

He's our father, and we're

his children, that is it.

Our father who art in heaven.

Where is our mother?

What happened to our mom?

[ laughter ]

>> What did he do to our mom?

[ laughter ]

>> Something happened.

Somewhere in heaven there is a

porch with a dead lady under it

and I want the story.

>> Somebody needs to check the

trunk of God's car, for bleach

and rope and fibers.

Well how can we not have a mother?

At least maybe God is divorced.

Maybe he has an ex-wife.

God is a single dad and he's

raising us alone and we're

praying, and he's like, I'm

trying but it's just me up here.

Maybe that is what is going on.

Maybe your life is your time --

this is our weekend with dad.

That is what life is.

Your weekend.

And then when you die you go to

mom's house.

[ laughter ]

>> It makes sense that God would

be a woman, doesn't it?

Because you are raised by your mom.

I think the reason we made God a

man in our culture because we

want to make sense that men are

in charge.

Because otherwise it doesn't

make sense.

You start with a woman.

It is like what comes first?

The chicken or the egg?

Of course it is the egg.

You can't just make a chicken.

You have to start with an egg

and grow a chicken.

 

And then people say where did

the egg come from?

From a chicken, you idiot.

[ applause ]

>> Women birthed us and raised

us and so why aren't they

running things?

I think I know why.

Because millions of years ago

women were in charge and they

were mean and horrible and they

would make us walk around naked

and flick your penis when you

walk by.

They were awful.

But what could you do?

It's your mom and her friends.

And then one guy punched his mom

and we're like, we can hit them

and then we did the whole thing.

But that is why men are mean to

women today, because we're

terrified of them.

That is why -- we didn't give

the women the vote until 1920,

that means American democracy is

94 years old.

There are three people in my

building older than American democracy.

That is how -- women have had a

rough time.

It was so okay to beat your wife

until so recently

that today we have a kind of

shirt named after it.

[ laughter ]

>> There is a piece of clothing

in our culture affectionately

nicknamed after beating the crap

out of your wife.

And for some reason, this is

offensive to nobody.

[ laughter ]

>> I saw a woman on Good Morning

America, she said, my husband is

walking around the house in a

wife beater.

I'm like, stop saying it

like it's not horrible.

He's wearing a wife beater and

child murder shorts tonight.

Like so cute.

We have a great show.

Sam Smith is here.

[ cheering and applause ]

>> We'll be right back.

 

>> This is Black Jeopardy.

>> What up, what up, what up?

Welcome to Black Jeopardy.

I'm your host, Alex Treblack.

No, I'm just playing.

I'm Darnell Haynes.

Now it is the 50th anniversary

so we finally got our own.

Our contestants are Amir.

>> How you doin'?

>> Keeley.

>> What's up?

>> And Mark.

Surprised to see you, Mark

>> Yes, well I'm a professor of

African-American studies at

Brigham-Young University.

I just decided, well, I'll give

this a try.

[ laughter ]

>> Okay.

I guess we'll see.

Let's take a look at the categories.

We got, "It's been a minute."

"That girl."

"On punishment."

"Had that been me."

"White people."

And "Pssh."

 

Amir, you're our returning champ.

You pick.

 

>> Okay, so I'll take "That

girl" for 200.

>> All right, here is the clue.

She think she cute.

[ buzzer ]

Keeley?

>> Who is Monique?

>> That's it.

[ laughter ]

>> "That girl" for 400.

>> She do hair.

[ buzzer ]

Keeley?

>> Alizay

>> Oh, I'm sorry, you got to

state your answer in the form of

a question.

>> Okay, Alizay?

[ laughter and applause ]

 

>> There you go.

[ applause ]

>> Can I ask something, are

there any questions about black history?

 

>> Hey, man, relax.

What we got is what we got.

Okay.

Just try and play, you might win

some money.

>> Okay, sure.

>> Keeley.

>> Let's go to "It's been a minute."

>> Okay, here's the clue.

It's been a minute since he came home.

[ buzzer ]

Amir?

>> Who is Rico?

>> Yes.

All right, cool.

I'll take "It's been a minute"

for 400.

>> Okay.

It's been a minute since he got

a job.

[ buzzer ]

Mark?

>> Who is an unemployed fellow-

black?

[ laughter ]

That's probably the wrong answer.

[ laughter ]

>> All right.

Amir it's still you.

>> Let's try "Pssh" for 200.

>> Okay.

Alicia wants to use you as a job reference.

[ buzzer ]

Amir?

>> Oh, what is pssh, good luck

with that?

>> Yeah, you got that one.

[ laughter ]

You got that right.

 

>> Okay cool.

Let 's do "Pssh" for 4.

>> Okay.

Chase Bank says ou have money

but you can't use it until tomorrow.

[ buzzer ]

Amir?

>> What is, pssh you better give

me my $17?

[ laughter ]

>> There you go.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying?

Who are you to keep my money?

>> All right, cool.

Let's do "Pssh" for 600.

>> Okay, Rahim wants to borrow

your bike to go to the store

right quick?

[ buzzer ]

Mark?

>> What is pssh, no way, Jose.

[ laughter ]

What?

That is close at least, right?

>> Let's just move on and hear

about today's prizes.

>> Johnny.

>> Thanks, Darnell.

Today's "Black Jeopardy" winner

will receive the new TV by Set it There.

Flat screen TV with no stand and

no wall.

 

You better not put a hole in my wall.

Get your whole security deposit back.

And antique furniture by

Don't you bring that in my house.

Armoires, mirrors, and old trunks.

Is there a ghost in there?

You'll never know, with don't

bring that in my house.

Back to you.

 

>> All right, Amir, the board is

still yours.

>> Okay, let's go for "Had that

been me" for 200.

>> Okay, had that been me, I'd

still be hitting that.

[ buzzer ]

Amir?

>> Who is Robin Thicke?

>> You damn right.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Let's do "Had that been me"

for 400?

>> Okay.

Had that been me, I would have

whooped his ass when he was young.

[ buzzer ]

Keeley?

>> Who is Justin Bieber?

>> Absolutely.

Absolutely.

He ain't grown.

>> He ain't grown.

>> "Had that been me" for 800?

>> Had that been me, I wouldn't

have been around them dogs in

the first place.

[ buzzer ]

>> Mark?

>> Who is Michael Vick?

>> No.

[ laughter ]

>> No.

Anybody else?

>> I'm sorry, Mark, we were

looking for Sarah McLaughlin.

[ laughter ]

>> I mean, come on.

You mean Sarah McLaughlin.

>> Okay, fine.

Mark, the board is yours.

>> Okay.

Good.

Let's please go over to "White

people" for 200.

>> Your call.

Okay, white people are always

lying about this?

[ buzzer ]

Mark?

>> What is, we don't have any money?

[ laughter ]

>> Yes.

But the truth is we would have

accepted any answer.

[ laughter ]

>> Okay.

Well, great.

Let's keep going.

White people for 600 please.

>> Oh, I'm sorry, there is the

final bell.

As usual we started late so

we're going to go on to final

Black Jeopardy.

Here is today's category?

Rap songs that begins with the

letter n."

[ laughter ]

You'll be answering that when we

come back.

Watch yourself, Mark.

We'll be right back with "Black

Jeopardy."

[ cheers and applause ]

♪♪

 

>>> And this is Mr. Patterson's office.

Come on, honey, I want you to

meet him.

>> I'm kind of nervous.

You're always talking about what

a genius your boss is.

>> You'll be fine.

But before you meet him, keep in

mind he's one of the most

powerful CEOs in America, he's a

scratch golfer, and

he has the body of a baby.

>> The body of a baby?

>> Mr. Patterson, excuse me.

>> Just a sec.

Got to finish these filings.

Tax season always sneaks up on me.

All right.

Philip, what can I do you for?

>> I just wanted to introduce

you to my wife Karen.

>> Oh, well let me come over and

say hi.

>> Not every day I get to say hi

to the VP that I love the most.

[ laughter ]

>> This is Karen.

>> Philip, you never told me

your wife was so beautiful.

>> My, well, thank you

Mr. Patterson and you are also a

handsome man.

[ laughter ]

>> Thank you very much.

Listen, I hope it

doesn't embarrass you but we

heard it was your birthday,

so we brought you a little something.

>> Oh, wow, just what I asked for.

A box.

[ laughter ]

>> See I told you he would love

it, honey.

>> Absolutely.

I absolutely love.

[ laughter ]

>> You know, Mr. Patterson and I

actually went to college together.

He was a senior when I was a freshman.

>> It's true.

We were in the same fraternity.

>> Do you remember the secret handshake?

>> Remember it?

I made it up.

Ready?

>> Yep.

[ laughter ]

Delta!

>> Mr. Patterson, Darlene

brought in a cake for your birthday.

>> Oh, wow, well tell Darlene

thank you and my cholesterol

says you're fired.

[ laughter ]

Mmm.

Philip, Karen, you have to try this.

It's delicious.

>> Thank you.

Thank you so much.

>> That's really good.

>> It's delicious.

>> And listen, Mr. Patterson, do

you mind if we talk for a second?

Just you and me.

>> Sure.

What better time than now?

[ laughter ]

>> Karen, would you just give us

a moment?

>> Of course.

I would love to leave.

>> Let's have a seat.

Mr. Patterson, what I'm about to

say to you might come as a shock.

>> Oh, no, I'm getting scared.

Do you mind?

>> No, go right ahead.

>> All right.

Lay it on me.

>> Okay.

Now listen, as you know my wife

is from Tulsa.

>> Love Tulsa.

>> Okay, and after tax season is

over I've decided to take a new

job there.

 

>> What?

>> I'm leaving.

>> No, no!

[ laughter ]

>> It's okay.

It's okay.

>> I don't like this at all.

I have to think about this for a minute.

>> It's okay.

Listen, think about the good

times Mr. Patterson.

[ laughter ]

>> It's been you and me.

>> Okay, enough.

You always were the funny one

around here, weren't you, Philip.

I'm going to miss your jokes.

>> Let's see what Mr. Stapler

has to say about that.

I'm going to miss you, too,

and I love you so much.

>> What the hell are you doing?

I'm a grown man.

>> Sorry, sir.

Is there any way I can make it

up to you?

 

>> Well, if you would wave that

box around just out of my reach,

I think I would like that a

great deal.

>> I would be happy to.

Like that?

>> I'm going to need a letter of

recommendation, sir?

>> Anything you need.

[ cheers and applause ]

 

>>> I've got kids and you know

what that means?

Spills, and lots of 'em.

>> Mom.

>> Uh oh.

>> Darn it.

>> I spend a lot of my time

cleaning up messes so I need

something that's absorbent and affordable.

So what do I reach for?

A suit from Joseph A. Bank.

With their innovative buy one

get three free pricing, a suit

from Joseph A.

Bank is effectively cheaper than

paper towels.

And now they come in these easy

to use dispensers.

>> With four suits for the price

of a modest dinner, I can feel good

about throwing them away when I'm done.

They're good for any job around

the house.

Like pet stains, soaking up grease.

Even diapers for your little ones.

And plus, they make great kindling.

It's so flammable.

And talk about absorbent.

A regular paper towel

disintegrates under liquid, but

a Joseph A. Bank suit

disintegrates with no liquid at all.

The only downside, keeping my

husband's suit straight.

>> That one's got spaghetti on it.

[ laughter ]

>> Joseph A. Bank.

Quantity, guaranteed.

[ cheers and applause ]

 

>> Ladies and gentlemen,

Sam Smith.

[ applause ]

 

♪♪

♪ I guess it's true I'm not

good at a one night stand

but I still need love

'cause I'm just a man ♪

♪ These nights never seem

to go to plan

I don't want you to leave

will you hold my hand? ♪

♪ Won't you stay with me

cause you're all I need

this ain't love

it's clear to see

but, darling, stay with me ♪

♪ Why am I so emotional?

No, it's not a good look

gain some self-control ♪

♪ And deep down

I know this never works

but you can lay with me

so it doesn't hurt ♪

♪ Won't you stay with me?

Cause you're all I need

this ain't love

it's clear to see

but, darling, stay with me ♪

♪ Whooa, oooh

oooh, ooooh ♪

♪ Won't you stay with me?

Cause you're all I need

 

This ain't love

it's clear to see

but, darling, stay with me ♪

♪ Won't you stay with me?

Cause you're all I need

it ain't love

it's clear to see

but, darling, stay with me ♪

♪ But, darling, stay with me

but, darling, stay with me ♪

 

[ cheering and applause ]

 

>> ANNOUNCER: "Weekend Update"

with Cecily Strong and Colin Jost.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Good evening.

I'm Colin Jost.

>> I'm Cecily Strong.

And here are tonight's top stories.

>>> Russian president

Vladimir Putin on Friday called

President Obama to discuss a

solution to the crisis in Ukraine.

And both agreed to a meeting

of their top diplomats.

Then Obama nearly botched it by

accidentally ending the phone

call with, "Love you, bye."

>>> President Obama on Thursday

met for the first time with

Pope Francis at the Vatican

where the pope gave Obama a copy

of his book, "The Joy of the Gospel."

and told him, "This is for when

you're bored."

adding, "There is weed inside."

>>> A report on the bridgegate

scandal which was compiled by a

team picked by New Jersey

governor Chris Christie was

released Thursday and clears the

governor of any wrongdoing.

And you can totally trust it

because it was fact-checked by

independent investigator,

Trish Tristie.

>>> Georgia this week will vote

on a sweeping new law that will

allow guns in bars, schools,

restaurants and airports.

You know, basically anywhere

people get angry.

Lawmakers will have the option

of voting nay or "bang, bang,

bang, bang."

>>> In an interview this week.

"Duck Dynasty" star

Willie Robertson said he'd like

to take President Obama duck

hunting with him.

Or as it is also known, a trap.

 

>> It was reported this week

that male students in North Korea

are being forced to have their hair cut

just like Kim Jong-un.

In other words, by a blind person.

 

>> The NCAA tournament

continued tonight as both

Florida and Wisconsin made it to

the final four.

Here with his take is the always

outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Colin, it is good to see you, brother.

>> Hi, Stephen.

Now a lot of the experts are

picking Michigan State to win it

all after they beat Virginia

last night.

What do you think?

>> Well Colin, don't be disrespectful.

Dick Vitale and I are good friends,

but what he's saying is blasphemous.

>> Well, they've got a great

coach in Tom Izzo.

>> Well, Colin, it pains me to

say this because Tom Izzo is a

friend of mine.

>> Really?

>> Yes.

A dear friend.

We go to pilates class together.

Tom Izzo's picture is the

wallpaper on my iPhone.

If I ever want to call him, I

just ask Siri to complete me.

But Tom Izzo and the rest of the

players on the Michigan State

basketball team are not making

it out of the first round.

>> They are already in the elite eight.

>> Okay, I guess we'll have to

agree to disagree.

>> Well some teams have struggled.

Duke was a three seed and lost

to Mercer in the opening round.

Do you think Coach Mike

Krzyzewski did everything he

could to prepare the team?

>> Well, Colin, hate to say

this because because Duke coach

Mike Krzyzewski is a dear, dear friend.

>> Coach K. is a dear friend?

>> Oh, yes.

We tight.

 

Coach K. and I share candle-lit

Lean Cuisine dinners on my forehead.

We call each other whenever the movie

Sleepless in Seattle is on.

And we have to watch the rest

together while talking on the phone.

>> That can't be true.

>> It's true.

He's a hall of fame coach.

But come tournament time,

Coach K. should be nowhere near a

basketball team.

>> Okay.

Well a lot of people are

following Kentucky's team, they

just beat Louisville.

Do you think freshman Julius

Randle could take the team all

of the way?

>> Colin, I'd love to say yes because

Julius and I are dear, dear friends.

>> Oh, come on.

He's 19 years old.

>> I was the nurse when he was born.

I breast fed him so his single

mother could hold down two jobs.

Later we backpacked across Europe together.

We were gypsies, tramps, and thieves.

We had a memorable summer

together, each taking turns

sharing one magical pair of pants.

[ laughter ]

>> But Julius Randle in the

and the Kentucky

Wildcats have no chance of

winning this tournament than I

do of winning a gold medal in

women's figure skating.

[ laughter ]

>> Fine, then who do you predict

will win the tournament?

>> When this started, I picked

Wichita State to win it all.

And I'm still picking Wichita State.

A lot of experts will tell you they were

eliminated from the tournament and

their season is over, but I have

a feeling and mark my words,

that Wichita State will come

back to win the entire NCAA

tournament in the NBA championship.

Mark it down.

Hallelujah.

>> Stephen S. Smith, everybody.

[ applause ]

>> A new report shows that since 2010

the population of New York City

has grown by 380,000 people and

almost a million street Elmos.

>> A new Star Trek themed beer

is being introduced called Warnog.

It is perfect for anyone who

doesn't want to live long or prosper.

>> It was reported this week

that with Russia's annexation of

Crimea, the country now has

control over the Ukraine navy's

combat dolphin program.

Combat dolphins are the toys

your grandmother bought you when

you asked for ninja turtles.

>> A new dating game has started

on Dutch TV called Adam Looking for Eve,

in which contestants go on first dates

completely naked.

It is what is known in America

as Tinder.

>> A cat in Canada named Si has

been named the world's shortest cat.

So better luck next time Kat Williams.

A woman in Florida filed a

lawsuit against local police

alleging she was forced to defecate

in her front yard while they

searched her house for meth.

And you'll never believe this,

they found meth.

[ laughter ]

>> A chemistry grad student in

Nebraska is creating a new

perfume he calls eu de death,

which mimics the smell of decaying flesh

so people can avoid being eaten

by zombies.

His professor is creating a new

grade he calls f-minus.

>> Officials with the golden

sheers world championships, which

is the Olympics of sheep

sheering say they still need

more than 1,000 sheep for the competition.

Otherwise it is time for plan b.,

cats covered in cotton balls.

>> For "Weekend Update," I'm

Cecily Strong.

>> I'm Colin Jost.

Good night.

 

>> So I told my boyfriend,

listen up, you either lose her

phone number or you lose me.

 

>> Damn right.

>> That's the typical man

>> Preach that.

>> Excuse me, ladies.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

>> Nah uh!

Now who is this punk?

 

>> I was looking for the

Brooklyn Savings Bank.

>> Waltzin' in here like he own

the whole street!

>> It's time to teach this boy a lesson.

 

>> I heard it was on --

>> Oh,yeah!

>> -- Montague Street.

♪ Mr. Big stuff

>> Who?

>> ♪ Who do you think you are

Mr. Big Stuff? ♪

>> Are you referring to me?

>> ♪ You're never gonna

get my love ♪

>> I wasn't --

>> ♪ now because you wear all

those fancy clothes ♪

>> This is $10.

>> ♪ And you have a

big fine car ♪

>> ♪ Oh, yes you do

>> Uh, no, I don't.

>> ♪ Do you think I can afford

to give you my love? ♪

>> Oh, so you're like a

prostitute?

>> ♪ You think you're higher

than every star above ♪

>> What?

>> ♪ Mr. Big Shot

>> ♪ who do you think

you are? ♪

>> I asked you for directions.

>> ♪ You're never going

to get my love

Now, I know all the girls

I've seen you with a few ♪

>> You're talking about

somebody else.

>> ♪ I can't fool around

and get hurt by you ♪

>> You would destroy me.

[ laughter ]

>> ♪ You made 'em cry

you made a poor girl cry ♪

>> She started it.

>> ♪ Try to keep you happy

Try to keep you satisfied

Mr. Big Stuff ♪

>> Who the hell are you people!?

>> ♪ Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff ♪

>> Did you rehearse this?

>> ♪ You're never gonna

get my love ♪

>> Okay, look, I feel like you

girls are projecting a lot of

your own weird issues on me.

I mean, the last thing I would

consider myself is Mr. Big Stuff.

>> ♪ You think you're some big shot

>> No, I don't.

Yesterday I ate eggs for every

single meal.

[ laughter ]

>> Three full meals of hot eggs.

No seasoning, just eggs, okay.

>> ♪ Mr. Big Stuff

>> You girls are awful.

>> ♪ Who do you

think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff ♪

>> Okay, hold on.

Just stop for a second.

Listen, I'll tell you who I

think I am, okay?

You want to know who I am?

>> I'm a 46-year-old divorced

bald man.

When those Prilosec commercials

go on, I go, shush, I want to

see this.

And I have late onset

albinoism, which means I'm just

now becoming an albino, okay.

[ laughter ]

>> Mr. Big Stuff --

>> No!

Stop it!

I'm an appropriately humble man.

I mean, this is a clip-on goatee.

I'm not even this cool.

So don't ever call me Mr. Big Stuff.

Understood?

I am Mr. Medium Stuff at best.

Good day.

>> Hey, look, we're sorry,

mister, we just got a little

carried away.

>> Yeah, I think you just

remind us of some of our

boyfriends and we took out our

frustrations on you.

>> Really?

♪♪

You mean, I seem like somebody

you girls would date?

>> Yeah, sure.

Maybe.

>> Like maybe all four of

you at once?

>> Ohh.

>> Come on, it was a joke.

Damn it.

>> ♪ Mr. Big Stuff

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big stuff ♪

[ cheering and applause ]

 

>> Deep breath.

And one more.

Lungs sound good.

>> Okay.

>> How is the wife?

>> Emily is good.

 

She complains that I work too

much, but --

>> So, no chest pains, shortness

of breath, nothing like that?

>> No.

No, I just thought I'd get a physical.

>> This is for cholesterol

check, if you can hit the lab on

your way out.

>> Okay.

>> And you're all set.

>> All right, thank you, doctor.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Doc, just to be really

safe, considering my age and

all, I just wondered if maybe

you don't want to check to see

if there is a Darth Vader action

figure in my butt?

[ laughter ]

>> Do you have a Darth Vader

action figure in your butt?

>> Do I?

No, I mean, why would I?

>> Well the great thing is, you

would know.

>> Right.

I would know.

>> Totally.

>> Okay.

Thank you very much, doctor.

I just --

if I had one, which I don't

have, there is no way I have one

up there, but if I did,

medically speaking, wouldn't we

want to know right now so we

could get it out of there?

>> Dan, did you put a Darth

Vader in your butt?

>> No, I'm married, Doc.

You know.

>> Right.

>> Thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> All right, adios, have a good one.

 

>> I noticed that you didn't leave.

>> Well I don't want to leave

something like that to chance, right?

I'm thinking what if --

what if --

 

>> Reggie, can I help you?

>> Just mopping.

>> You're mopping carpet.

>> I couldn't help but overhear

you guys talking.

You know, if you were going to

check to see if there was a

Darth Vader action figure in

somebody's butt,

then it wouldn't be too much more

trouble to check two?

>> Reggie, did you put a Darth

Vader in your butt?

>> I doubt it.

Why would I?

You know, I'm not a freak like

your patient here.

You know.

>> It's okay.

>> I was just passing by and

heard some of what these guys

said and as a doctor, I've got

to say, what is the harm in checking?

>> Thank you, Dale, I can handle

my patients on my own.

And just to make sure you're

doing it correctly, you should

check my butt to see if there is

a Darth Vader action figure in

there first.

>> How's it going Dale?

>> Dan, Reg.

>> Let's take care of it.

Janet, can you hold all of my

appointments?

>> Sure, sure.

And hey, while you are checking

those guys out, do you mind

dipping into my backzone

and seeing what is up?

>> Janet, do you have a Darth

Vader in your butt?

>> I'm a lady, but there could

be a General Grievous.

>> All right, everybody, come on in.

Let's get it done.

>> Okay, good, good.

>> All right.

[ breathing ]

>> You guys are all set.

And none of you had Darth Vader

action figures in your butts.

>> Great.

>> Thank you very much.

>> Thanks so much.

>> Thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> It's just better to know.

>> Thanks very much.

>> It is better to know.

♪ It's better to know

 

>> Okay, if that's how you feel,

I'll have to tell that to my

partner, Detective Brock.

Bye-bye, now.

>> Hello.

>> Brock, you're here.

>> I let myself in.

Were you on the phone?

>> Yes.

That was the brother of the

jewel thief we put behind bars.

>> How did he sound?

>> Not happy.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

>> Well here we are, both in our pajamas.

>> So I guess we're really going

to do this to each other, make love?

>> Well, that's what we did talk

about and that's why we're both

in our pajamas.

>> Well I just feel bad that we

aren't married.

>> You're not.

>> That's true.

>> We talked about that, too, at

the station.

>> I guess.

>> So how should we start this?

Shall I just remove my pajamas now?

>> I don't know, Brock, I'm not

sure if I'm ready to see what's

under your pajamas.

>> Well we talked about that, too.

If you're nervous, we could always

do it through the pajamas.

Then you won't see much.

>> Oh, you mean like, cut holes

in them?

>> I have a hole in mine already.

>> You do?

>> All pajamas do.

>> Not women's.

Maybe we should get started on

that Reynolds case.

What do you think happened to

all those women who disappeared?

>> I don't want to think about

that right now.

Hey, I just found these scissors

over here in this drawer.

We could use these to cut some

holes in your pajamas.

>> Holes?

How many holes do we need to

make love?

 

>> How many holes are you okay with?

[ laughter ]

>> I'm good with a lot of holes.

>> Well I don't want to cut my

pajamas up.

>> Is it a matter of money?

Because I'll reimburse you for

the pajamas -- up to $100.

>> I don't want to be

reimbursed, I want to be romanced.

>> Stop changing the subject.

Get down on the floor with me.

Let's start to do stuff to each other.

If we need any holes, we'll make

them on the fly.

>> I'm sorry, Brock, I just

don't want to rush into this.

Maybe we could just have a glass

of wine and talk.

>> I don't like talking to you.

[ laughter ]

>> I want to get physical.

 

>> I'm sorry, maybe you should

just go home, Brock.

>> You told me to come over here.

You begged me.

You said, bring your pajamas and

make sure you drink a lot of

pineapple juice.

Now why would you say that if

you weren't going to follow through?

>> I never said anything about

pineapple juice.

I don't even know what that means?

>> Well I do, and I did it.

I was planning on a very

thrilling night.

Look out.

>> You will pay for what you did

to my brother.

Now die!

 

>> Out you go.

Done and done.

Oh, you didn't even help.

>> You didn't look like you

needed it much.

>> So, how are we going to do this?

>> Do you mean --

>> Sure.

As long as it doesn't affect our

working relationship.

>> Oh, it won't, I promise.

>> Okay.

Two holes.

And I get to pick where.

>> I love you.

[ cheering and applause ]

>> You're watching Detective TV.

At nine, it's Good Cop, Jive Cop.

But first it's time for your

favorite crime fighting duo.

 

>> They are tough as nails.

They are serving justice.

They are unstoppable.

[ sirens ]

They are the best cops in Chicago.

They are Dyke and Fats, starring

Dutch Plains as Officer Les Dykawitz ,

and Velvy O'Malley as Officer Chubbina Fatzarelli.

They're kicking crime to the curb,

and they're doing it damn well.

They are Dyke --

and Fats.

 

>> Well, it looks like you've

done it again, the city of

Chicago can sleep safe tonight.

 

>> You hear that, Dyke?

We done did it again.

>> I couldn't have done it

without you, Fats.

>> Yeah, good going Dyke and Fats.

 

>> You don't get to call us that!

>> Only we get to say it!

>> Those are our words!

>> Our words.

We love each other.

We get to say it.

We're friends.

No!

 

>> Once again, Sam Smith.

[ applause ]

 

♪ I do, yes, I do, believe

That one day I will

be where I was right

there, right next to you ♪

♪ And it's hard

The days just

seem so dark ♪

♪ The moon and the stars are

nothing without you ♪

♪ You're touch, your skin, where

Do I begin

no words can explain

the way I'm missing you ♪

♪ The night, this

Emptiness this

hole that I'm inside

these tears ♪

♪ They tell their story

You told me not to cry when

you were gone ♪

♪ But the feelings is

Overwhelming, it's much too

strong ♪

♪ Can I lay by your side

Next to you, you

and make sure your alright

your alright ♪

♪ I'll take care of you and I

Don't want to be here if

I can't be with you tonight

I'm reaching out to you ♪

♪ Can you hear my call

This hurt that I've been

through, I'm missing you

missing you like crazy ♪

 

♪ You told me not to

cry when you were gone but

the feeling's overwhelming

it's much too strong ♪

♪ Can I lay by your side

next to you

and make sure

you're all right ♪

♪ I'll take care of you

♪ I don't want to be

Here if I

can't be with you tonight

lay me down tonight ♪

♪ Lay me by your side

Lay me down tonight

and lay by your side

can I lay by your side ♪

♪ Next to you, you-ou

[ cheering and applause ]

 

>> What's up, everybody, I'm

Chris Fitzpatrick, and I'm running

for ASB class president.

♪♪

One thing I want to change is

the music they play at lunch.

All I ever hear is rap music and

that bubble gum boy band crap.

Christina Crapulera.

If I'm elected president, I'm

going to play good ass music.

Some Verge of Consciousness,

Temporary Flawed, One Last

Breath, and all of those bands.

And plus I know some of the guys

in the band so I can probably

get them to play our school.

Just because you get good grades

doesn't mean that you're smart.

I'm actually really smart, but I

don't do good on tests and pop

quizes because I have

concentration issues.

 

When I was in middle school I

wrote 28 poems, and now since I

entered high school, I've written over 60.

I want to put together

a collection of my poems and

then I want to sell it to everybody,

but if you if you vote for me,

you get a discount.

>> We need more clubs, maybe

movie clubs where we watch good

movies like Lock Stock and Kids,

stuff like that.

 

Or maybe a guitar-based drum

club or a CD club where you make

CDs and stickers.

My girlfriend Allie doesn't go to

our school because she lives in

a different zoning area then Kentwood.

But if you elect me president,

Allie is allowed to go to our school.

♪♪

Vending machines.

We need more of them.

Hell, if I'm president, I'll even

spike the water fountain with vodka.

 

>> A little bit about me.

I have a dog at home.

He's part German Shepherd

and his name is Sammy.

I don't like extra stuff on my hamburgers.

Just plain.

No vegetables or pickles,

I'm a simple guy.

I lost my virginity when I was

16, but had done other stuff

before that.

I'm friends with black, Asians

and Mexicans.

I don't see color when I look at

a person.

But no offense, whites make

the best music.

♪
♪

So vote for me for ASB class president.

And don't vote for Daniel Nguyen

'cause he's never even smoked a cigarette.

 

>> Oh, boy, here goes.

[ knocking ]

>> Dave, what are you doing here?

>> Hello, Stacy, I have

something to say.

 

>> You know what, it's too late, Dave.

Alright, we're through.

>> Just hear me out and

then I'll be out of your life forever.

>> All right.

You have three minutes.

>> Look, before you kick

me to the curb, I just want you

to know that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for how I treated you.

I lied, I got jealous, I didn't

put your feelings first.

>> Dave.

>> And look, Stacy, maybe you're right.

Maybe I am crazy.

I know I'm not a perfect man.

But I don't care about any of

that stuff.

I don't care who didn't do the dishes.

I don't care who said what first.

>> Oh, Dave.

>> And if you don't hear

anything else I say today, if

you hear nothing else, at least

hear this.

Baby Jessica is still in that

well and we're the only ones who

can stop her.

>> What?

>> Every minute she's in there

she's getting more and more

pissed off.

>> I was like, just about to

drive off with you.

>> All I know is this, I want

you to be the last person I see

before I slip into a coma and the

first person I see when I get to hell.

[ laughter ]

>> So you want me to die while

you're in a coma.

>> Shhh-shut up.

These Stacy, these bags,

this is everything I own.

I need you to hide it for me.

There's plans for a theme park to

rival Disney World.

Heck, it might even rival Disneyland.

>> Okay, you know what,

they smell like calamari.

>> Stacy, it's not about the

bags, it's not about me, it's

not about you, it's about the bags.

[ laughter ]

Stacy, sweet Stacy, you make

me want to be a better man.

>> What did you just say?

>> I said you make me want to be

a better man.

>> Why are you saying it like that?

>> It's how I say it, Stacy.

It is how I've always said it.

Lobo Lands.

The theme park, it's called

Lobo Lands.

It is a pet cemetery but for people.

[ laughter ]

>> That's just a cemetery.

>> Shhh -- Shut up.

Look, I guess in the end I'm

just a boy, looking for a girl,

to ask her for $15,000.

No, no.

[ laughter ]

Stacy, when you meet

someone special, you can just

look into their eyes and you just

know you have something to live for.

And for me, that person is Robbie.

[ laughter ]

>> Hi.

>> Sure he may not be a good

man, but he has a good heart

and he's still a hu-man.

So maybe I am crazy, but let me

ask you this, is it crazy to

love someone so much that you

try to kill them?

>> 100%.

>> Well then lock me up, because

that is the very thing I came

here to --

>> Shhh-shut up, okay.

Dave, you dumb psycho.

You had me at Lobo Land.

 

>> How good is Sam Smith, everybody?

[ cheers and applause ]

I want to thank Lorne

for bringing me back.

I had a wonderful week.

I want to thank everybody on the

floor here.

Jenna and Wally, and Phil who

lights this place so beautifully.

This is a great group.

And how about this cast?

What a great cast.

The writers are working hard and

they made a great show and I'm

very grateful to be here.

Thank you very much, everybody,

for being here also.

Good night. Thank you.

[ cheers and applause ]

♪♪