Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 37, Episode 8 - Steve Buscemi/The Black Keys - full transcript

And now a message from the President of the United States..

Good evening!

I hope you all had a safe and happy Thanksgiving,

and enjoyed your shopping on Black Friday.

Now, for two years I've been hearing nothing

except how consumer confidence is in the toilet,

then all of a sudden I see that thousands of you are at Wal-Mart

pepper-spraying each other for an Xbox.

Which is it?

For the past few months, I've been working hard to turn our economy around.

In September, I gave a speech to a joint session of Congress



urging them to pass the American Jobs Act,

my comprensive plan to get people back to work.

Remember that speech?

No?

In the end, that speech got me two things:

Jack and Squat.

Also, I recently learned that the Supreme Court

will rule on the constitutionality of my Healthcare Reform bill,

and it's possible they may kill it.

That's right: Take my signature piece of legislation into a quiet room

and shoot it in the back of the head

like Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas".

But I'm not angry - I'm actually past angry,

because I've learned a lot in the last couple of years.



I used to think that being president meant you had a lot of power.

But now I know it's more of a ceremonial position,

a majestic figurehead whose main duties are

shaking the hands of this year's WNBA champions,

and nodding and smiling when Chinese dignitaries ask

if they can touch your hair.

In fact, there are a lot of myths out there about who has power in this country,

and I want to clear those up tonight!

Now, this chart illustrates how we were taught

our government worked in grade school.

Remember? This we have three branches:

Legislative... Judicial... and mine, the Executive.

All sharing power equally.

But that's not how it is.

This chart shows

how our country actually works today.

I'll go from the most powerful institution to the least..

And let me tell you - the presidency

is not even in the top five.

Okay. First: Congress. Do they do anything?

No.

But, because of them, no one else can, either.

They're like Hotel California.

My legislation checks in, but it can never leave.

And because of that, they're Number One.

Number Two: Grover Norquist,

who got 276 Republicans and

3 Democrats to sign a pledge

that they will never raise taxes under any circumstances.

Wow!

I tried to get some Democrats to pledge

to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies from my daughter Malia,

and all I got was one "maybe" from Nancy Pelosi.

Come on! The Thin Mints are very refreshing.

Next: Oprah.

I know she doesn't have a show any more,

but there's still 150 million out there who, because of Oprah,

have an unread Toni Morrison book on their shelves.

And they proudly tell their co-workers

that they believe in angels. You think I can do that?

I still have to ask our driver to pull up to the White House

because Michelle won't get her hair wet.

She's a proud Black woman, what can I do?

Four: NFL.

Now, this may sound silly, but I promise you:

If this address were to interrupt a game,

they wouldn't even carry it. Even if the Cardinals

were playing the Jaguars.

Come on. Tell me I'm wrong.

Also: how many of you out there have a Fantasy Congress League?

Thanks for that joke, Joe Biden!

Next is Mark Zuckerberg.

Now, if you're skeptical, consider this: in 2008,

I had to beg to get 69 million votes.

Meanwhile, 800 million of you

have given this man photos of yourself drunk at a Christmas party

wearing a giant "Cat in the Hat" hat.

Six: Supreme Court. After that,

it's a tie between George Soros and the Koch Brothers.

I know they would love to be lumped together.

Eight: Pixar.

Nine: Tyler Perry.

Ten: Verizon customer service.

And, finally: Me, the president.

Barely above Pippa Middleton...

and the Kia Gerbils.

See?

I may not have all the power I used to, but...

I still have more than all the Republican candidates combined.

And I still get to say: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Thank you! Thank you very much!

I am really very excited to be here!

It's been a few years since I've hosted "Saturday Night Live",

and in that time I've done a lot of movies,

a little directing, but, best of all, I got to be the lead

on HBO's "Boardwalk Empire".

A series that follows the seedy underworld

of 1920's Atlantic City. It's hard to believe,

but, back then, Jersey Shore was

home to some pretty disgusting people.

The success I've had with "Boardwalk Empire"

is kind of special for me. You see, for a long time

I played supporting characters -

like the creepy bellhop,

the creepy homeless guy,

or the creepy creepy guy.

Even though I love those roles,

I'm excited that I made the leap from character actor

to lead actor.
- Excuse me?

Yes?

Hi! I'm Roz. I'm a character actress.

Oh. Well, what characters do you play?

Well, actually, I only play the clumsy best friend in romantic comedies.

How can I get a lead role like you?

That's a good question, Roz. It's hard to get lead roles.

Gosh! Of course! Duh! Come on, Roz!

This is why I'm single!

- Is she okay?
- Oh, she'll be fine!

She just needs to get a Twinkle pack!

- Have me wet?
- No, but folks call me Chance!

I always play the magical African-American character in films.

Yeah, I give the pretty white guy advice.

- But now I want to be the lead!
- Oh. That's interesting.

What kind of project would you be the lead in?

Well, it would be a show where I chew a straw!

And chuckle to myself!

Yeah - and give people advice.

As soon as the advice works, however,

I disappear!

I can still see you.

Alright, look - I'm glad you're all participating and excited, but

Yeah, I'm excited! I'm Tex!

And I always play the guy in war movies you just know is gonna die!

Can you help me get a lead role?

Probably not, Tex.

You want to see a picture of my girl?

I keep it right under my grenade pin. Uh, here you go...

Stop, stop, Tex! We don't need to see the picture.

I'll allow the photo, Counselor!

Who are you?

I'm a sassy female judge from many a legal thriller.

I can't stand nonsense in my courtroom...

but I will allow it.

Ma'am? I appreciate it, but everyone could stop jumping up, okay?

Hey, Bro!

You take care of her.

What's your whole deal?

I'm the dude who loses his girlfriend in a movie

but tells the new guy: "Hey, Bro!

You take care of her".

Okay, I'm sorry you lost your girl...

Oh, yeah! If you want someone to get freaky with,

I'll knock boots, Player!

Oh, you're that Granny character,

who says dirty and/or hip-hop things.

Oh! You got me straight-tripping, boo!

Okay, look - I'm hosting right now,

so here's what we have to do...
- I know what we have to do!

Vegas!

I am not going to Las Vegas! Any other ideas?

Vegas?

Okay. I'll give everyone advice, but then we move on.

If you learn your lines, work hard,

cross your fingers... maybe - just maybe -

you'll get to be a leading actor.
- Steve!

I'm the helpless girl from horror movies who can't find her friends!

Steve!

Steve, where are you? I can't see anything!

I'm behind you. Hold the knife steady!

You're holding it like a hair dryer.

Who's there? Steve!

Steve, this isn't funny! Steve!

I'm right here! Uh, we've got a great show!

The Black Keys are here! So stick around, we'll be right back!

You don't feel like yourself.

Something is holding you back.

Everybody! Take five!

Dude, what's the deal?

I'm embarrassed.

Talk to me.

I'm constipated, man.

You think? I know you are.

Come on, I have something you can take.

Frozen Mexican Dinner?

- How does it work?
- How's it not work?

You eat it and

"Ay, ay, ay"!

Ay, ay, ay?

You'll see.

When irregularity strikes,

take charge.

Just one dose of Frozen Mexican Dinner

provides prompt, no holds barred relief fast.

Smells like someone's on the way of relief.

Man, I hope so.

Wow!

I just shoot a giant shit in my pants.

Great! Let's go mix some music.

Frozen Mexican Dinner.

Why wait to "manana"

to "ay, ay, ay" today?

Also available "Indian" and "Fish".

Hey y'all, that's the Miley Cyrus Show.

With me, Miley Cyrus!

I've got guests and a show,

And I'm ready to go,

So I guess that's pretty cool,

It's pretty cool!

Hello! It's Miley, y'all.

So this is like my show where I talk to people who's pretty cool,

and we, like, talk about things which pretty cool.

You get it!

And in Miley Cyrus's band we got my dad, Billy Ray Cyrus.

Hi, Miley, how are you doing over there?

Good joke, dad!

So, as you probably heard,

I just turn 19. And for my birthday

my friends got me a Bob Marley cake.

And I said to them: "You know you smoked way

too much f-ing weed, when your friends get you

Bob Marley cake".

And then the media was like: "Miley Cyrus is butt-head,

bla, bla, smoked so much weed, bla, bla..."

So yeah...

That's a funny joke, baby!

Though.

Time for my Miley Cyrus' comedy monologue.

Here is a monologue joke:

it was reported last week...

cancer...

okay, I can't do it right now...

it's just too funny.

You're like a funny little Cheech Marin, baby!

Okay, so, our guest tonight

is a hilarious awesome guy,

I met him in Burning Man.

Please, welcome Jeff!

Hey, Miley.

What's crappening?

Jeff, why don't you tell everyone a little bit about yourself?

Well, I work in a combination of Taco Bell and Pizza Hut

so - two jobs.

Also I'm extra in pornos.

I'm sort of wander-through wild people who're doing it.

What the hell? Who is this guy?

It's Jeff!

Okay, now, Jeff, you and I also recently made a brand new music video together.

And do you mind if I show everybody a clip of that?

- Far out, mama.
- Then show a clip!

"Dancin' with Dogs"
Bob Miley and Jeff

Miley, look, I don't want to have to do this,

but I invited someone today who is also a singer

and can warn you about the danger of drug use.

Ladies and gentlemen, Whitney Houston.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello! Hello!

The voice is back, Miley Cyrus.

It is I. Hello, Billy Ray.

Hello, Jeff. Move it, Jeff.

Get out of here. Move!

Wow, Whitney!

I've been such a fan of yours

big break on that reality show

"Being Bobby Brown".

I got no love for Bobby B.

Is he here? Bobby B.?

Billy Ray? Bobby B.?

Billy B.? Bobby Ray?

Bi bi bi? Boop it boop?

Bonnie Raitt?

How will I know...

Wow Whitney!

There is one question I have always wanted to ask you.

Where did you learn how to sing and who's your best friend

and is that show "Whitney" about you

and is Kevin Costner still your bodyguard

and are you still waiting to exhale

and Houston, do you have a problem?

So many questions!

I have exhaled, Miley Cyrus.

But I no longer inhale.

I've been clean and sober since 2013!

Now, listen to me, little girlfriend.

When I was in my rough times with Bobby B.,

I sat down and spoke with my good, good friend Mr. Pauly Shore.

He taught me crack is whack.

If you smoke a hookie, you're going to feel like dookie.

But sometimes I say okay to cocaine.

Amen!

Look, Miley, this is your brain.

And this is your brain on drugs.

Don't do drugs! Please!

Don't do it! But if you do do it,

do it, do it, do it until you're satisfied.

Now, Miley Cyrus,

you got to promise me you're going to stay off that crack rock.

No, no, Whitney, she was just using marijuana.

What? That's it?

Just an itty bitty bit of weed? Weed's not a drug!

I'm on medicinal weed right now to come off the drugs.

I put weed in my cereal this morning!

I smoke weed just to go to Target!

Wow, wow. That's our show.

I thought it was pretty educational and pretty cool.

Come on, dad, come on, Whitney, come on, Jeff!

I got guests and a show

And we're ready to go

So I guess that's pretty cool,

It's pretty cool!

- Looking for someone?
- Geez, Batman - you snuck up on me!

I think there's something fishy going on in Arkham!

- The Joker?
- Only one way to find out!

Great. I'll send out an APB.

You let me know what you find...

He likes to do that.

- You really ought to get a bowl!
- What the hell are you doing here?

I think the Scarecrow's up to something!

Okay, I'll look into it... but can you let me know you're coming next time?

No one in Gotham will be safe if we don't stop him!

Fine! I'll put in a call and have them do a sweep down in...

Weirdo!

Two guys steal chemicals!

Get out of my shower!

Aquaman too?

The water's off in my building.

Get out, now!

And put some pants on!

Well, Jim, you're in great health. All we gotta do is check the old prostate,

and we'll get you out of here.
- Great. Let's get this over with.

The Penguin got a new credit card!

- Get out of here!
- Fine!

He has no boundaries.

Well, you don't need any boundaries with me, Mister.

Is that so?

Well, I'm happy to oblige, my lady...

- Her Riddler costume is weird!
- Oh, come on!

- Where's my wife?
- Over here.

- He made me put this on.
- See how weird it is!

That's it! Don't ever talk to me again!

- Fine!
- Unbelievable!

Hey! I'm the Squirrel! I'm a new villain

that's gonna take over Gotham -

but Batman won't stop me because you were mean to him!

- Take that off, moron!
- I've always loved you!

Next on "Dateline," a Keith Morrison special investigation.

Real life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations.

Elroy Valentine was an ordinary man who went out one day to catch a Bass.

But instead he caught a case of murder.

It's the mystery of the chopped up guy.

I was walking along the lake one morning,

and I saw something floating on the surface.

Was it Wilson the volleyball?

No, it was an arm.

Did he slap you five?

No, it was a dead arm from a dead body.

That's terrible!

You seem kind of psyched.

No, I'm bummed.

But I wasn't bummed.

I was stoked.

Police suspected a local drifter named Diego Pops.

Ques pasa, Diego?

Tell me, what happened?

What can I say? I like to kill.

Kill like a comedian at the Apollo?

No, like murder.

So I waited for Elroy, and when I saw him,

I took a machete.
- Oh, you gotta.

And I hacked him to death. And I'm the one who did it.

Diego confessed, but let's ignore that.

Because this is an hour show, so we've got to stretch this out.

And because it's "Dateline," there's only one photo to use.

There it is again. Floating downward.

Next, we talked to the coroner.

I did the autopsy.

Describe stuff.

Well, the victim had been bludgeoned and dismembered.

And normally in murders this severe,

we suspect a crime of passion.

Can I see the body?

No.

Baby sad!

But why would someone want to kill Elroy Valentine?

Diego said he was having an affair

with Elroy's beautiful wife, Marfa.

But I met Marfa, and "beautiful"

should have sarcastic quotes around it.

Marfa, you're an unattractive woman.

Why would a man kill for you?

I told Diego that if he was a real man, he would get his ax

and chop up my husband.

Oh, no!

And then, I would let him stick his dong

right up in my dump hole.

I must paint you.

But some questions still remained.

Like how many more times can we use that photo?

Maybe we'll put him on a Roller Coaster.

Maybe we'll send him to Paris.

Or maybe we'll make him friends of big George Foreman.

All right, Diego. How'd you kill him?

I knocked him to the ground, but then he grabbed my ankle.

Did you say leggo my lego?

No.

Anyway, I dropped my machete,

so I sawed off his arms with his own keys.

Well, that's nuts. Tell me.

Did killing him get your rocks off?

No, you know, I'm not weird like that.

Not even a little?

What the heck? It got me off a little.

That's our show. For "Dateline", I'm Keith Morrison,

and when I was 4 years old, I saw a birthday clown

drown in a pool.

He just...

floated...

Good night.

Alright, now. Okay, hey! Good afternoon.

I'm Larry Stevens, and I've been Head coach here at Central University

for the last 22 years.

And I wish we had called you here today to talk about last night's win...

and I hope we can get back to talking hoops real soon.

With the recent abuse scandals - first at Penn State,

now at Syracuse - it was imperative to me

that we made sure that nothing like that was going

on right here at our program in Central.

And I don't think I'm alone in saying

the first person who popped into my head as a potential sexual predator

was Coach Bert!

What?

Now, let's be honest - Coach Bert has all the tall-tale signs of

a sexual predator.

I mean, he's anti-social, he lives with his mom,

he's never had a girlfriend.

I mean, he's a genius with the X's and O's,

but an absolute zero when it comes to human interaction.

What the hell, Larry?! I'm sitting right here!

Alright, alright... But I am happy to say that after a full investigation,

we have found no evidence -

and I mean none! -

that Coach Bert is a pedophile.

It can't be, can't be ...

Hey, I know! I was as surprised as you all! But he's not.

He's not a pedophile.

Alright? Now, I'm taking questions. Go ahead.

Can you share the details of the investigation?

Well, for that... I'll turn it over to the District Attorney - Ed Markham. Ed?

District Attorney?

Thank you. We don't usually undertake cases

where there are no witnesses, no evidence, and no allegations.

But, then we saw a picture of coach Bert...

and, well, we jumped into action.

Is it the moustache? Because I can shave the moustache!

We obtained a warrant to search his computer...

but found nothing to lead us to believe that he is

desirous of young boys or young girls

or sex of any kind.

What we found instead, were eleven completed novels

about a character named "Bert Man",

who is very strong and...

"has a million friends".

You're not supposed to read those! They're not finished!

They were definitely finished.

So, I'm sorry, we're supposed to be satisfied

because you checked his computer?

No, we also set up 24-hour surveillance,

and for that, I turn it over to Agent Dauz.

"November 29th, 9 a.m.: Coach Bert wakes up

and goes to the bathroom

sitting down.

He does not wash his hands".

"November 29th, 9:09 a.m.: Coach Bert goes to kitchen

and makes himself breakfast - at no point

washing his hands."
- How long is this going to take?

- Let's wrap this up, Dauz.
- We were on him for a week.

He never molested anyone.

And he never washed his hands.... You're disgusting!

- I used Curel!
- Liar!

Isn't there a chance that coach Bert was "tipped off" to the investigation,

and suspended his pedophilia for a week?

For that, I turn it over to Brent Harrison,

who is the President of the local chapter of NAMBLA,

the North American Man-Boy love Association.

Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello!

Let me start by saying it's great to be back in a school!

Yes, yes, yes!

I'm here today to say at no point in the past ten years

have we ever been approached by Coach Bert.

Of course not!

Nor, had he approached us, would we have accepted his membership.

He is, quite simply, not the face we want

on our pedophilia organization!

You're clapping for him? Don't clap for him!

So that's it? We're just supposed to accept

that Coach Bert is not a pedophile?

Well, now, guys, I know - it was real hard for us to accept it, too.

That's why we set up a sting operation with a local high schooler

Darius Bogart. Darius?

- Well play this Friday.
- Thank you, Brother!

Hello. I'm Darius Bogart.

And, with the help of the District Attorney's office

and Coach Bert's mom...
- My mom helped?

I stopped by Coach's house and recorded this conversation:

Hey, Darius.

I want to thank you for helping me at basketball camp,

and I just want you to know that I would do anything to thank you.

- Anything?
- Anything.

Well... I'd love to get your thoughts on my demos.

"I am the Bert Man, I have a million friends.

I am the Bert Man, let's name all my friends.

Brett Favre is my friend.

Chewbacca is my friend..."

Look, it goes on like that for about an hour.

He never molested me, but at times...

I would have preferred it if he had.

- Not cool, Darius!
- Alright, alright, okay. Thank you, Darius.

Alright, now, I hope we can, you know, start putting this behind us

and start the healing process. Oh, also,

you're gonna see a lot of these fliers around campus

everywhere.

Did this man molest you?
Yes - Maybe

Go ahead and ignore these.

There's a lot of 'em, but just go ahead and ignore them, please.

Oh, man.

Hey, let's beat State Tuesday, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Black Keys!

"Weekend Update" with Seth Meyers.

Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers and here's tonight's top stories.

At a press conference held earlier today

Herman Cain announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign.

Apparently the White House was outside his delivery area.

Herman Cain on Thursday said his wife did not know

about his friendship with Ginger White or

that he's given her money for rent.

Cain said he would have told his wife

but he was afraid she might jump to the right conclusion.

After new polls this week placed him in the lead

for the for GOP presidential nomination, Newt Gingrich

said that his new frontrunner status is "disorienting".

Then Rick Perry said the same thing about a spiral staircase.

This Christmas a number of senators will participate

in a secret Santa gift exchange

that will involve members from both parties.

The way it works is the democrats will give the republicans a gift,

and that's it.

A crematorium in Great Britain is planning to sell energy

it produces during cremation to the country's national grid.

So sleep tight, British children.

Your night lights are powered by ghosts.

After allegations of a 13-year affair,

Herman Cain announced he was suspending his campaign.

Here to elaborate is Herman Cain.

Hello, Seth.

This whole deal has been crazy.

It's nonsense.

It's character assassination.

But, I'm sorry, it's true. I am suspending my campaign.

Now listen. This is a decision that I made

with the help of my family. No one forced he out.

So you still deny the allegations you had an affair
with Ginger White?

It's garbage!

The truth is that Ginger White and I are friends.

Yes, I gave her money because that's what friends do.

- Seth, you and I are friends, right?
- I guess.

- Here, take some money.
- Oh, thank you.

- Now, you know that money ain't free.
- I'll give it back.

Tonight, what I want everyone to know is,

I love my wife.

We are as close to each other as any couple I've ever known.

So four days after these allegations came out,

I scheduled an appointment to talk to her.

And last night we had an intimate, productive discussion

while she glared at me and listened Mary J. Blige.

And that's when you told her about the affair?

No one said nothing about an affair! Come on!

I am innocent until proven guilty.

That's what this country is all about. And if I can't have that,

I may as well go on and move to Lybibia.

Do you mean Lybia?

No, I mean Lybibia.

You know, the "Mo-Mo Gadhafi" place.

No. That's definitely Lybia.

Hold on, hold on, slow down,

slow your roll, Seth Meyers.

Let me get this - figure it out in my head.

Lybia, Lyb... Lab... yb... Lyb...

Libby is creamed corn.

You see, this is an example of the media sabotaging me.

Sabotage or not, you have to admit that all these allegations

didn't help your reputation with women voters.

That's because these women don't know the real story.

You see, what the media does is they takes people's perceptions,

and it bends them.

So, I'm asking you ladies out there,

instead of bending for the media -

why don't you bend for Herman Cain.

I think you might want to rephrase that.

- I'm not rephrasing anything, Seth.
- Alright.

'cause I know in my heart that there are so many women out there

who are still ready to get on the Cain train.

I'm asking all the ladies tonight to line up

and jump on my train!
- You got to rephrase this.

I'm right here!

Mr. Cain, I think really think women might be offended by all that.

What? Why? Seth,

this politically correct culture is killing us.

And I'm the only one who is not afraid of it.

Instead of vilifying me, all the ladies out there

should get down on their knees...
- No.

- Open their mouths up wide...
- No!

And say "thank God for what's in front of me, Herman Cain".

- Herman Cain.
- Maybe we better cut this short.

I can't drop out. I got nowhere to go!

- What?
- My wife looked at me like I'm a ghost.

Herman Cain, everyone!

The Hansen Brothers famous for their song "MMMBop",

announced this week they're releasing a beer called "MMMHop".

As it knows: "We don't carry MMMHop,

pick a real beer".

A new study shows that the average man thinks about sex

19 times a day, food - 18 times a day,

and sleep - 11 times a day,

which comes out to a surprising 48 thoughts a day:

"So, not bad".

Fellas.

State Park officials in Texas

are trying to stop the influx of wild donkeys

that are crossing the border from Mexico and harming native plants.

So the one time it would actually work,

it doesn't occur to them to put up a fence.

It would work with donkeys.

This holiday season a number of large retailers including Target,

Costco and KMart,

are selling freshly cut Christmas trees online

that can be delivered to people's homes.

And for just a few dollars more, they'll put it up, decorate it,

unwrap all your presents, play with your new toys,

and feel the joy that you and your family apparently no longer have time for.

Some conservative Muslim scholars in Saudi Arabia

are concerned that if women are allowed to drive in their country

that in ten years there will be no more virgins in the kingdom.

Yikes! How exactly do cars work over there?

I think you're doing it wrong.

A rare near pristine copy of action comics number 1

which features first appearance of Superman

was sold at auction Wednesday for a record

2.1 million dollars. The comics then was

accidentally thrown out by the buyer's mom.

"I didn't know!

I never saw you reading it".

"Clean up for you all day".

A British company has developed new videogames

that men can play at bathroom urinals

by using their urination stream.

Good news: if you're tired of the old urinal game,

dismantle the cigarette butt.

Engineers say they have programmed a robot

to recognize itself in the mirror,

but it will only truly be human when it learns to hate what it sees.

Well, the holiday season is upon us

once again and that means spending time with family.

Here with his advice how to manage the holidays,

please welcome, drunk uncle.

Thanks, Seth.

It's great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Fever".

So, drunk uncle, are you excited for the holidays?

Holidays aren't what they used to be, Seth.

You know, when I was a kid, you know, Christmas meant something.

People got dressed up,

and they would travel six hours in a car.

Nowadays, it's just, "Hey, could you e-mail me dinner?"

"Could you fax me a hug?"

Well, do you have any advice on how to deal with family?

I found out that my niece is getting gay married.

You know what I'm gonna get her for a wedding present?

The boyfriend.

Drunk uncle, can we please just talk about the holidays?

Occupy lame street.

You know, kids need to pull their pants up, Seth:

Kids today, they're always saying "text me, text me".

Why don't you write a letter, you dummy?

A letter? To who?

You can't even say "Merry Christmas" anymore.

You gotta say: "Hey, baby Jesus, you wanna do pilates

or are you on a cleanse?"

You know what I like about Christmas, though?

That sexy Green M&M's lady.

I would hit that.

Come on! You thought about it.

- No, I really haven't.
- You thought about it.

Every kiss begins with k

Put that on your iPad and smoke it.

I can't believe I'm saying, this drunk uncle. I think you might be too drunk.

So I didn't make the big catch, okay?

So I wasn't prom queen.

So I wasn't sports king.

I'm not muscle man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's not me.

I'm sorry. What's your point?

How high you think I could jump, Seth?

Immigrants!

Beth, Beth, if I was Dr. Conrad Murray, I would rent a boat,

you know what I'm gonna say.

No, no.

Hey.

Guess who's back?

Guess who's back?

Who's back?

This is your back.

Your back.

That stinks.

So, in conclusion...

You're all robots!

Drunk uncle, everyone.

Scientists have discovered a Gene that allows certain people

to get less sleep and be "morning people".

Here's what the gene looks like under a microscope:

A man in Utah was shot in the butt tucks

after his dog stepped on a shotgun he had set on the floor.

Man, that guy's wife is gonna be so mad,

when she finds out that the dog botched the hit.

"What went wrong?"

Police in Ohio warned residents that a man

has been calling women, posing as a doctor and

asking intimate questions about how they give themself

breast examinations. Even stranger he ends

every call with: "Vote for Herman Cain".

For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!

Hi, everyone.

I know you think I called this meeting so we could pick

our secret Santas, but the real reason I called you

all down here today is because I have big news.

I decided to surprise Sandra Snells with that promotion.

Oh, my god.

She'll be getting that new corner office.

Oh, my god.

That's great! No one deserves it more than Sandra.

She's going to be so excited.

- I know she wants this.
- Oh, my god!

You're going to tell her here? In the place called break room?

It's going to be a surprise?

- Yeah, he just said that.
- Yeah.

God, I'm freaking love surprises! I love 'em!

You really does!

But, before she gets here, I want to go over

exactly how it's going to work.

You know me, Arnie Anal.

You know, I was talking with Sandra the other day

How will we know when she's coming?

We should put bubble wrap in the hallway so we can listen for the pops.

That's okay, Sue, I'm going to get a text when Sandra walk in the building.

I just need you guys to play it cool.

Sue, are you all right?

Yes. So excited. I feel faint.

I need a freaking snack.

Okay. I'm going to tell her the news

by giving her the key to her new office.

Should I just hand it to her or hide it in her lunch bag?

Bag!

I'm sorry. But she is going to walk in here.

Completely in the dark.

But we know it! We're all in on it.

I think hiding it in her lunch bag might be fun.

Yeah, her jaw is going to drop to the floor.

I forgot about her jaw.

I want to watch that drop.

Guys, she's here. I just got the text.

I can't wait to tell her. Wait.

Where's Sue?

- What's the plan?
- What are you doing?

Oh god. I just want to capture the moment.

How I'm feeling. She knows I was this excited.

Sue! Stop wasting paper.

Don't ruin this. You are on the verge of ruining this.

All right. I'm thinking after she finds the key,

we all sing "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow".

Everybody knows that song?

Yes, god. I need to practice.

- What?
- I think it will make me feel better.

- It will make me relax.
- Just let's let her do it if that's going to calm her down.

Real quick. One, two, three.

For she's a Jolly good fellow

For she's a Jolly good fellow

For she's a Jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny!

Can deny!

- Sue! Get a hold of yourself!
- What is wrong with you?

God, Sue, you've got some knockers.

I think you should just get out of the way.

- Go pretend to look in the vending machine.
- Okay.

Before you spoil the whole surprise.

Hi, everyone. Am I late?

No. Not at all. You're early.

Wait. Where's Sue?

Sue just stepped out for a phone call.

I'm sure she'll be back any minute.

It was an emergency call, I think.

Oh, no. She's back.

- What is Sue doing?
- Actually, she was just leaving.

Weren't you, Sue?

Yes, I'm leaving before some one in this room gets good news.

Oh, god. Got a surprise for you. Good news.

What? Not supposed to tell you.

Who? Him, them, they know. They're getting it.

Rhymes with emotion. Who said that? You are going to get it.

Here it comes. Oh god, here it comes.

Sue! Don't!

Have some water.

What is going on? What's wrong with Sue?

Well, this isn't exactly how I wanted to do this

but I've decided to finally give you that promotion.

- Oh my...
- And a corner office.

Are you serious? I don't know what to say.

She's speechless! I love speechlessness!

Oh, and I forgot to mention you have your own parking space.

Unexpected perk!

Congratulations, Sandra!

Thank you.

The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent's Sex Symposium.

Hello! My name is Ed Vincent,

I'm a sex education educator.

So you can call me "Sex" Ed - that's me. "Sex" Ed -

- that's me! The New York Board of Sexual Health requires me

to read the following disclaimer:

"Ed Vincent has no authority to give advice in matters relating to sex.

Do the opposite of what he says.

His opinions should be regarded as farcical"? What?

Well, I don't know about that.

What I do know is that you can put the sex spark back in your marriage

by attending Ed Vincent's Couples Workshop Sex Intensive.

You'll be treated to a series of lectures that'll help you

pump some razzle-dazzle back into your love life.

Covering topics like: Aphrodisiacs...

Sounds That Arouse...

and Changing The Routine.

What if we replace your regular coffee filter with

a pair of women's underpants? Right?

And that's a great way to kickstart your morning!

Spice thing up with sexy love coupons.

One right here says: "One Free Dry Hump".

Alright? Here's another one: "You Can Go To Town On Me".

Okay? A little more open-ended.

You can also surprise your spouse in the spouse with:

Shower Surprises.

"Mr. Floaties"

"It's Your Birthday"

"The Psycho" (do not attempt)

"The Reagan"

On Day 2, we'll hear from guest speaker - The Erotic Chef,

Dustin Van Camp.

Now, we tend to think of the kitchen as a boring place.

But what if I told you that food can be sexy?

Now, what do we got here?

Just another old boring hot dog on a plate.

But what if I took these two grapes,

and I put them at the bottom of the hot dog?

I think you all know where I'm going with that!

Now, what do we got here?

Boring old cantaloupes sitting next to each other on a plate.

I couldn't be less aroused.

But what if I took these two red Lifesavers,

and I just plopped them...

I think you know where I'm going with that!

I just plop one of these hot dogs

right in the center, and... voila!

In Day 3, we'll move to the bedroom with techniques for heterosexual couples,

as well as same sex couples.
- Same sex couples need to

spice things up in the bedroom as well, okay?

Here's an exciting change of pace for you:

Everybody see that? That's a front of a penis,

pushing into a nice side of a penis. Just like that.

Here's another one called "The Credit Card", alright?

You got a side of a penis and a side of a penis, right?

Run it across. It says "Swipe card again." Alright?

Run it across, swipe card again, it says.

Run it across one more time. "Transaction authorized"?

I think we all know what that means. Alright?

Here's another one I call "Bumps On A Log". Alright?

You just swoop across - top of a penis, like that.

These are nards here, okay? This is two dudes, again,

you just get bottom of the nards against the top of the penis...

bottom of the nards against the top of the penis...

And on and on and on and on and on and on!

So come on down to "Sex" Ed Vincent's Couples Workshop Sex Intensive,

at the Raymondville State Park EconoLodge -

December 4th, 5th, and from 8 a.m. until checkout on the 6th.

All major credit cards... accepted!

Swipe again!
(Cash is the preferred method of payment)

The Black Keys!

Hello.

Well, it's that time of year again

time to unpack the old Christmas ornaments.

Let's see what we've got.

This one's a little reindeer wearing a hat.

It's cute as heck! At least, I think so.

Sheila, would you hang this, please?

Okay, well...

This is a little Santa Claus in sunglasses.

When I saw this, I was, like, "Santa's on vacay!" Okay?

Here's a little ski man.

I tried to return this one because it only has one ski pole...

but when I went back,

the store had blown up.

You look very pretty tonight, Sheila.

I know.

She's great.

Now, this is a little snowman.

Ow, he bit me!

I'm fully kidding.

This one's just a candy cane. Alright?

Sheila! What the heck are you doing?

You can't hang all the ornaments in one spot!

I know.

Oh, wow!

This one's from my very first Christmas.

2008.

I just never heard of it!

It never came up!

This one's a little computer.

This one's a little pine cone.

Alright, quick - name this baby!

If you said Larry... you're close.

It's Jesus.

Oh, no, Sheila! What are you doing?

You said spread 'em out.

This broad is trying to gaslight me.

This one's a little igloo.

I wouldn't want to live in there.

Just kidding. I'd like to own any home.

This one's been up my butt.

Not just a little bit - all the way.

Sheila! What the heck?

Where's the tree?

It's not here.

Sheila.

Egg nog margarita!

Well, 'tis the season!

Merry Christmas, Sheila.

Merry Christmas, Sheila.

Happy Holidays from Sheila and Sheila.

Thanks to the Black Keys! Maya Rudolph!

Thank you, Lorne Michaels!

This amazing cast and the amazing crew!

We hope you feel better, Frank. Thank you so much!