Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 37, Episode 6 - Emma Stone/Coldplay - full transcript

After a Republican presidential debate featuring Rick Perry's memory lapse, Emma Stone hosts: chatting with Spiderman, then playing a dim Miss American on "Missing Word," a concerned condo resident interviewed by a dismissive aged reporter, and a ham-fisted guest at a bridal shower. She's also a hip youth dancing in a French café and plays suggestive games with technological gadgets. Coldplay performs, and Chris Martin joins Garth and Kat to sing a Thanksgiving song on Weekend Update.

Rochester, Michigan, it's the CNBC Republican Debate.

Good evening, and welcome to the CNBC Republican Debate.

I'm Maria Bartiromo.

And I'm John Harwood. Let's meet our candidates.

On the stage tonight are John Huntsman...

Michelle Bachman...

Newt Gingrich...

Ron Paul...

Rick Santorum...

Herman Cain...

Mitt Romney...

and Rick Perry.

We begin with Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, as more women come forward,

you've repeatedly changed your story.

How do you explain your inconsistent responses to these allegations?

Well, there?s been no inconsistency, my story?s never changed.

To recap: I forgot. Then I was reminded. Then I remembered.

And then I forgot having remembered. And then, pizza break.

And one thing is - for every woman that has come forward,

there are two who have not.

Moving on to Governor Perry?

Hey, before I start, I want to say that I know

I've had some trouble in past debates.

But tonight, I'm feeling good, I think I'm really gonna nail it.

Texas High Five!

Alright. With emerging crises in Greece and Italy,

what would you do to protect and grow the American economy?

Well, the first thing I would do as President

is cut government spending. So when I get to Washington,

there are three - three! - agencies I'd cut immediately:

Commerce, Education, and, ...

What's the third one there...?

It got away from me. Oops!

But, seriously, Governor, what is the third department to cut?

Come on, man, I said "Oops!" Okay, I got it - the three departments

I cut: Education, Commerce... why is this so hard?

It?s up there somewhere, I can feel it dancing around!

Come on! Come on, I'd know it if I heard it...


There it is! EPA! Thanks, Ron!

Hey, how about little Ronnie Paul here, huh?

With his little birdie arms, huh? It's the EPA - thank you!

Is it really the EPA?

No, sir... no, sir. I'm trying to think, but my brain is just going?

And you still haven't named the third department.

Oh, I know it! It's Mard.

That's not a word!

Look - Maria, could we just move on?

I mean, I want to be president, but, not like this.

Hey, hey. I don't need your help, Mitt. Okay?

I know all three now. Ready? Commerce...

oh, God, I only know one now!

Maybe you have it written down in your notes.

Good idea! Yeah, yeah... I'm such a Messy Marvin.

The debates are hard, right, guys? Is it the Department of Zoos and Parades?

It might be that. No? Does it start with an "M", or an "X"?

Is there an "X" on there maybe, uhh...? Is it trains? Trains?

No, you can't cut trains!

There's so many... so many departments!

Make it stop! Somebody make it stop!

I'm really trying here, guys. I don't know what, uh...

All the cards are blank!

Hey, no peeking! It is hot...

Let me get out of this jacket real quick...

I gotta have my dickey on!

Governor Perry, we are still waiting for a third department.

Hey! Leave him alone! Look! I'll tell you about the women!

I'll tell you all the vivid details - and there are a lot!

Just leave this poor man alone! Look at him!

I can't... I can't say stuff good. The words... don't... they don't talk right...

Come here. Come here, come here. It's okay.

It's okay. Come here, come here. It's alright.

I'm not gonna be president, am I?

No. No, you're not.

Can I be your vice-president?

Sure, sure, sure...

Where are we going after this, Mitt?

We're going to go to a nice field, where you never have to

say another word. There's going to be a cow and a chicken.

I like that. Are there rabbits?

Yeah. Yeah, rabbits everywhere.

Tell me about the rabbits, Mitt.

You can tend the rabbits.

Okay. We turn now to...

It bounced right off!

I got it! Department of Energy! Alright!

And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Ladies and gentlemen - Emma Stone!

Oh, thank you! It is so great to be here hosting

Saturday Night Live for the second time!

It's been a pretty busy year for me ?

I got to be in "Crazy Stupid Love" and "The Help,"

and next summer - I'm gonna get to be in "The Amazing Spider-Man",

so, that's pretty great. I play Spider-Man's girlfriend, Gwen Stacy,

who is a dynamic and brilliant science student.

Not to be confused with Spider-Man's other girlfriend,

Mary Jane Watson, who is a skank and doesn't love him like I do.

I'm really just so excited to be playing opposite such an amazing superhero.

Did someone say ?superhero??!

Hey, Andy. How ya? What are you doing up there?

Well, I heard about the new Spider-Man movie,

figured I would audish, maybe catch that part - in my web!

Hey, Andy, I think it?

Silly String!

I think it might be a little late to get the part in the Spider-Man movie.

It's never too late for Spider-Man. He can stop time!

No he can't. You're actually thinking of Zack Morris from "Saved By the Bell."

That's right, yeah.

And it's definitely too late, because the movie comes out in July.

Well, we have to move quickly. Here, read with me.

What we got here... Okay... Take that...Just I...

Oh boy...Okay...

It's okay, I don't need a script. I'm off book. Here we go.

Alright, I guess I better read with him ?

he went to this sad amount of trouble. Hi, Spider-Man!

Sorry, Gwen, I don't have time to bone. I have to fight Green Goblin ?

oh, wait, Green Goblin just canceled; we can bone now.

Okay, Andy, aren't you just redoing the same monologue Kirsten Dunst did like, 10 years ago?

Yeah, aren't you just redoing the exact same Spider-Man movie from 10 years ago?

Nooo....but anyway...

Okay, look, enough about the past.

If you reshoot Spider-Man with me I'll give you a flip for!

I'm sorry, buddy, we already got a pretty great Spider-Man.

Ha! Let me guess - some teen heartthrob like Ray Liotta or Patrick Stewart?

Actually, his name is Andrew Garfield.

Garfield?! I'm sorry, does Spider-Man hate Mondays now?

How-how's he gonna fight crime when he's busy

eating lasagna and porking Nermal, am I right?

I think you might be thinking of the wrong Garfield.

Andrew, can you come up here?

Excuse me, sir, just because you co-created Facebook

doesn't mean you can just barge up here.

That was-that was just a role I played. And I'm sorry, mate,

but I am also playing Spider-Man.

He's British?! Oh, America is suffering record unemployment

and we outsource Spider-Man to England?!

I'm so angry about this I could...flip out!

Okay, we have got a great show for you tonight!

Coldplay is here!

Why all the British people?!

So stick around and we will be right back!

It's time to play the game the stars play.

"Secret Word"! With your host, Lyle Round.

Hello, hello! I'm Lyle Round.

I want to take a moment to apologize to my wife,

she embarrassed me at a cocktail party

so I had to spank her in front of all our friends.

She knows what she did.

Okay! Why don't we meet our celebrities?

Our first is regular on the show,

she's best-known for her work in Great White Way,

please welcome Mindy Alice Grayson!

Hello, look at me! Thank you, I agree!

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy! What's new on you?

I have a brand new agent!

He said we're going to play "waiting game"!


And I'm really excited about next guest -

last night she was crowned as new Miss America.

Please welcome Charline Stumphries!

Hi, I'm Charline Stumphries, and I'm proud to

represent great state of Georgia.

Our state bird is peach.

Thank you.

I'm pretty sure that's not the state bird.

In any case, you're adorable!

I understand you were almost disqualified

due to a pageant scandal.

During the swimsuit competition judges said

they can see my puss.

Do we have a picture?

What a hefty kitty!

Thank you! But you're not allowed to bring pets on stage -

it gives you unfair edge!

Oh, that make sense!

Let's begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

I am, Lyle! Just let me do some sense memory exercise.

Mama? Mama?? Where's Toby?

Alright, Lyle, I'm ready to play.

- Ready?
- The secret word is "honk".

10 seconds on the clock, and remember, Mindy -

do not use the secret word!

Alright, Lyle, I have a question about the rules.

- Can I use the sound effects?
- I don't see why not.

Alright. Okay, I'm driving in my car,

shifting to the second gear, turn on the radio,

"Mindy Grayson was on the stage last night..."

Hey, that's me! Suddenly the car cuts me, I scream,

and I put my hand on my horn and I honk it!

It was it, Mindy! You said the secret word.

- Did I?
- You certainly did!

I did! I know I did, and I'm sorry, Lyle, and you.

But I'm an actress, and when I see a word,

I bring it to life, just like I did in not so well-received

production of "Wood for Laney" - story of Hawaiian mother

with wooden arms, who desperately wanted to dance hula.

Sit down, sit down.

Show Biz Magazine said: "How long is this?"

Then I go to Charline. Do you want to give or receive?

Actually, Lyle, I want my friend Mr. Pickles to give the clues.

Since he was such good luck for me during Miss America.

- Right, Mr. Pickles?
- Right, miss Charline!

He is British!

This is good fun. Ten seconds on the clock!

The secret word is "cloud".

Okay, go ahead, Mr. Pickles.

Okay. This is white and flies in the sky.

- A plane?
- No, it's puffy and white.

Sounds like a plane for me.

No, sometimes it can look like a horse.

Oh, cloud!

We did it!

What just happened?

Okay, Charline, break it up, break it up!

Be real, come on. Charline, you said the secret word!

I did! Thank you!

Man, oh man!

I played a man in Broadway revival of

"Mandy became a man suddenly",

My understudy wanted to go on so badly,

she put grease in the bottom of my tap shoes,

I ran on the stage for the first scene and slip directly to

adminstrative office just like this!

Mindy, Mindy, please sit down!

What's the matter, Lyle? You're not used to

have woman stand up to you?

Wife stands up to me all the time.

And then she says: "I demand Windex!"

And she got it!

Ten seconds on the clock. Remember, Mindy:

don't say the secret word!

I will not say it.

The secret word is "thorny".

This is the feeling I get every time I watch "Tarzan" movie!

I have no earthly idea...

Oh, hang on, my thumb has covered the "t",

actual word is "thorny"!

Mindy, you said the secret word!

I did, and now everybody knows that I'm crazy hot crazy

for Tarzan, just like I was in the musical "Scientist Kate and the Man-Monkey".

Here is a big hit from that show. Hit it!

Hey, Man-Monkey, show me your coconuts!

Alright, we'll be right back after the word from Ajax baby wipes.

Wipe up your baby with Ajax! We'll be right back!

You're watching WXPD News New York.

Good morning everyone, I'm Jack Rizzoli.

And I'm Wanda Ramirez.

In our top story today residents of upper East Side condo

are outraged this morning after management failed remove

dangerous falling ice from outside of the building.

Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 41st year

with station, is on the scene.

- Hello Herb!
- Hello Jack!

Now tell us Herb, what's the mood where you are?

I've changed ATM service to Spanish, man, so I'm not doing well.

No, no! Not your mood, Herb... not your mood.

I'm asking how are the residents of this building?

I get some lady.

- Who are you?
- My name is Cynthia Carlene Aragonez.

Oh, pick a name!

Alright, what happened?

Ever since this storm melting icicles have been falling on this street.

And I was almost hit on my way to work.

What are your way? A cigarette, girl?

No, I don't smoke. Look, this ice is dangerous,

and no one's doing anything about it!

Well, that's you've got! You'll tell this is bikini, I'll tell: "Too far!"

- Back to you, Jack.
- No, Herb! Stay on topic, Herb.

- What?
- Stay on topic. Ask her so if anyone's been injured.

Don't teach me, you touareg!

Who's injured?

No one! Thank god! It's only matter of time before

someone's hurt or worse!

You think it can happen to some kid or.. you know, pipedown?

- She hit me in the mouth.
- Herb, did the residents fill formal complaint to coop board?

- Oh, this lady...
- Herb, ask her!

- Shouldn't you be changing hotel linen somewhere?
- No, Herb!

Wanda is the respected journalist. And ask a question.

You stink on ice!

Look, our coop president is right over here, and she's

repeatedly ignored our requests, she's even send a memo

telling us not to speak with the reporters.

This is slander! There was nothing of this sort!

Right! That's the news! For GI Radio, that was Herb Welch,

reminding you to keep your socks dry!

No, no, no! Herb, do the story! Do the story, do it!

"Do the story!" Alright, come here. Come here.

Tell me, sir, how d'you comment this acknowledge?

I'm a woman.

Woman? Let me see.

There are always a life in a church.

You're dinosaur!

Get away from me!

That guy attacked me.

Look, Herb, maybe it's time for you to look for retirement.

Don't talk to me like that, or I'll tell my secretary Emelda

to send you firing memo.

Emelda is not your secretary, Herb. She's your nurse!

This woman is mean to me!

- Well, I don't blame her...
- You son of a...

Cut away. Just cut away please.

As always, we apologize to you in a Hispanic and unattractive communities.

On our next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month...

But first - some sad news. We've just received word,

that our own Herb Welch died 5 seconds ago.

Herb is seen here with his protege, Andy Rooney.

With cheers and suffered for some time, we'll go there now.

Can we get a body removal? We've got elderly dead body!

Eat my fonzie!

This man is awf...

Herb Welch lives!

- Just terrible!
- Can we fire him?

I gave you my heart,

But you left me for another man.

And now I'm broken,

left your keys on a barestand.

Now I wish it would rain,

on me, baby.

I wish it would rain on me,

washing away all my tears.

Just hold tight.

Here comes a rain!

It's pretty nice out.

Kinda ruining in a video.

It's unseasonably warm,

shoulda shoot in Seattle.

It better rain soon,

or I gonna have to break the crew!

And now... hold, wait, wait,

I think I feel raindrops on my head,

No. It's just a dude pissing on me.

This place is just fucking great!

And I wonder why this country is in the shit.

It was supposed to rain,

and the Weather Channel can suck my dick!

But after that guy.
- Shut up!

You wish, but!

I tried to get a rain machine,

But my producer let me down!

Oh, so that's offensive now?

Maybe I should just piss on your head,

It seems me acceptible right here.
- Get over it!

Sweat my ass off, wearing all that fucking Gore-Tex.

Somebody grab me Sierra Mist!

Where is my assistant with a huge butt?

Here she is,

My God, look at the size of that butt!

I mean, I could literally rest my drink on it!

You guys see it?

King Kong called, he wants his balls back.

I've never seen anything like that, but make iced tea must be hard.

Okay, you can go.

I'm so sad,

because of the girlfriend thing, man.

Now I think about it,

I did kinda cheat on her,

I guess I'm sex-addicted or something.

Well, c'est la vie,

Yes, yes!

Ladies and gentlemen, Coldplay.

"Weekend Update" with Seth Meyers!

Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers, and here's tonight top stories.

It was reported this week, that Germany and France

began to talk about breaking euro zone

amid fear that there is not enough money to bail out ltaly.

Mane believe that the only solution remaining is

"Tyler Perry presents... Italy".

After week of multiple allegations of sexual harassment

Herman Cain faced new criticizm from the Republican debate Wednesday,

after he referred to Nancy Pelosi as "Princess Nancy".

Which sounds offensive, but it was probably just a reference to

to a new hairstyle.

During Wednesday Republican presidential debate governor Rick Perry

made embarassing mistake when he promised to close

three government agencies of elected president,

but he only remember the name of two of them, though it's ironic twist,

he did remember the Department of Education.

Trustees of Penn State on Wednesday removed Joe Paterno

affective immediately as head coach of the football team.

Though he was allowed to keep a part-time job

Penn State library gargoyle.

Penn State scandal is one of the worst in the history,

of college athletics. Here to comment, the Devil.

Hi Seth!

How are you doing, Seth? Great to be back.

Thanks for coming back. So, the Devil,

What's your take on everything that's happened in Penn State this week?

Oh, I'm just through the roof happy, Seth. Never in my wildest dreams

I would imagine a recruiting scandal at Penn State.


"Oh" what?

I'm sorry, do you think it's a recruiting scandal?

Yeah, I just assume. So what was it? Tickets for tattoos?

Quarterback on a Ferrari? What have you got?

Well, I want to say it loud, it was...


Shut up!

No! No! No! No!

- You seem upset.
- Yeah, of course, I'm upset, Seth!

I mean, I'm the Prince of Darkness, but I'm not a monster!

It's awful! I'm sorry about my reaction,

but this is the first I've heard of it. My God!

It's a pretty big story, I mean, where do you get the news?

I follow Kutcher on Twitter.

It's usually enough, my man, but this...

I can't believe I'm saying this, but

who I feel bad for? Joe Paterno!

To have evil like that in your mitts and not even know about it!

Oh, oh...

Not another "Oh", I hate "Ohs", what's going on?

It just turned out that abuse was initially reported to Joe Paterno.

Okay, who went straight to the police, yeah?


Come on! Are you serious?

Joe Pa! A cover up?

This is college football, not the Catholic church!

I'm sorry that it happened or I reminded you of it?

Okay, so, if he didn't go to the police, then how did they punish the coach?

Well, all they did was take away his locker room privileges.

- Okay, that seems fair.
- It does?

No, of course not! This is the worst!

Hold a second, wait, wait...

Did the Penn State students who are protesting

Joe Paterno's firing, know why he was fired?

- They did, yeah.
- They did? Okay, go on my single, I'm talking to you kids!

Guys! What are you doing? I know you like Joe Pa,

I get it, but you gonna to get out of this one.

I mean, do you know how bad that image look?

There were cameras there! Those pictures go online and live forever.

I mean - that's why I created the Internet!

So bad decisions will live forever!

- You invented the Internet?
- Yeah! I mean - the parts of it,

I invented the comments section, obviously,

tagging on Facebook, buffering - that's me, I'm the buffering guy!

Oh, and terms of service agreement.

You ever say "yes, I agree" in one of those terms of service agreement

without reading it, Seth?
- Yeah, I mean all the time.

- See ya soon, buddy!
- No!

- That's not fair!
- Let me ask the question, Seth.

Where did this coach find the victims?

He created kids' charity.

Are you kidding me?!

What in "my hometown" are you talking about?

Are you hearing this? Are you hearing this?


You know what?

I'm out, I'm out, I'm done, that's it. I can't take it.

I quit. This story sucks.

Evil is not what it used to be.

What do you gonna do now?

- I'm proud just go back to my old job.
- Which is?

Doing customer service in Time Warner Cable.

- The Devil, everyone!
- Former Devil!

Former Devil!

Researchers said that new drug tested on monkeys,

has helped them to lose weight without diet or exercises.

It is the easiest way to make the clean sexiest monkey

we all have been claimering for.

A man in Florida was arrested after assaulting his wife

while she was engaged in threesome with another woman.

Upon hearing this, the Genie took away his other two wishes.

Burger King unveiled a new kid's box this week,

the children can also wear it as a crown.

So now your kids can pretend that they're kings of diabetes.

On Tuesday the first ever simultaneous nation-wide

test of emergency alert system was conducted on radio,

TV and cable. But frankly, unless they text it,

we all gonna die.

A man in Colorado was arrested this week

for allegedly threatening to shoot employees of a local Best Buy

after he learned they sold out of "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3".

Police were able to catch the man while he was toggling through his weapons.

A zoo in Canada plans to separate two male penguins

who have been displaying a signs of having same sex relationship.

Zookeepers plan to break up the couple

by introducing them to Roderick.

A new study suggests that people with higher blood pressure

suffer from emotional dampening,

and have trouble recognizing the emotions of others.

They're called dads.

"Look, if you tell me why you're crying, I can help ya".

Michelle Duggar and her husband announced this week

that they're expecting their 20th child.

So now more people have been inside her,

that any showing of "The Rum Diary".

Meanwhile, the hospital can't believe,

anyone actually filled up that punch card.

Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away,

and if you've not loaded up iPod with turkey music yet, then you're in luck.

Here to promote their latest holiday theme album,

please, welcome the sexiest songwriters here, Garth and Kat!

We're sorry, we're sorry...

Guys, did you forget you're coming here today?

- What? No!
- What are you talking about!


is crazy... We were at Empire State Building.

We went till the second floor and looked kinda fine.

Kinda fine, but we're here now.

That's right, and our song we've rehearsed,

is called "Direction to Grandma's House".

And this is the real song? That you've written and not making up right now?

No, absolutely! Look, we have it on our CD.

Alright. "Direction to Grandma's House". It's right there. Okay, we can hear it.

Okay, let's go. Ready?

One, and two, and...

Come on, come on, come on, come on...

Stop! Turn to the right! And go in the estate, baby!

You've got the ignition! Oh please, please...

It's a turkey you want. And the it's covered with

the tin foil. Who loves tin foil?

Who loves tin foil? I said who loves tin foil?

Okay! Guys,

hang on, hang on...

Maybe that's my fault, because I keep have you on the show,

but it just seems to me, don't get upset, like you're making the songs when it goes on.

Really? Did you happen to watch The Latin Grammy?

No. Were you on it?

No. But if you would like to see a pops of color, so many people shaking their bodies...

Okay, you're changing the subject.

You know, let me just look at this CD.

Okay, well. Here we go. That's a piece of baloney.

- No!
- That means our CD is between two slices of bread in our lunch bar.

Oh, guys, Thanksgiving is one of my favourite holidays,

And I was really hoping to hear something to help me to get this spirit.

Look, if you think, we're not professionals, let me ask the question:

How many unprofessional bands have a full-time backup singer?

You guys have a backup singer?

Yeah, and guess what band he used to backup?
- AC/DC!

Alright, let's bring him out. Please welcome our backup singer

Jan Pockabook.

I'm sorry I was late. I was putting up the shelf

and it put like this...
- We just did it!

We just do it... Put like that...

Okay, I see why you guys are friends. Hey, are you gonna sing another song?

Yes, and this gonna prove once and for all, that we don't make up songs, Seth.

So get ready to enjoy

"Pilgrims Are Always Friendly Unless

Pushed Their Limits,

Because There Is No One Pilgrim Who's Gonna Be Mad Forever".


Okay, ready? One, and two, ...

I believe, I believe,

and pilgrims just buttons their shirts, buttons their shirts,

buttons their shirts,

in the mirror! In the mirror!

And looking at themselves they say: "Thanksgiving is coming up!"

No no no no. No no no no.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

A great flowerman, a big mistake.

A mini flake is so comfortable, so comfortable ...

- Okay, alright! Alright!

Enough, enough.

Enough, guys. Not only you're out of rhythm,

but why do you call him backup singer, if he sings with you all the time?

We could ask you the same question.

Sorry, guys, but you have to go now.

- No, please!
- Please, no!

We're all the way from Dollywood.

- The food there is so good!
- So good, I don't wanna talk about it.

They have chicken sticks, you can walk with it anywhere.

You guys said you were in the Empire State Building,

and you said you were putting up a vertical shelf.

Seth. Guess what I mean: don't pay attention to small stuff.

Our last song has music, so you'll gonna know that we worked on it.

This is called "Delicious Memories".

If the turkey's cooking and I'm coming around,

I love it, I won't lie!

I need a fork and a plate,

And pretty friends, and a slice of pumpkin pie!

So far so cute!

But there's blindfold, there's blindfold, in the top of

cornucopia! ?ornucopia!

Saying: "What?" That's not the right rime!

Yes, it is!

Baby, baby, baby!

Pass me the potatoes,

I'm allergic! I'm allergic!

Wait a minute!
- Garth, Kat and Jan, everybody!

Okay, uh... who's this from?

That's from me. Happy bridal shower!

What is this? Kendra! Sexy lingerie?

Read the label - it's edible!

I hope it doesn't have carbs! Okay, I'll pass it around!

Nobody gives a crap - huh huh!

Open mine!

Okay. Oh, my gosh! Furry handcuffs? Maria!

What? They're silly!

Mom, shield your eyes.

I think you girls might be a little freaky!

That lady's old - huh huh huh!

Alright, okay, well, um... this one is, uh, from Wallis. Wallis and I work together.

I just want to thank you again for including me,

even though we don't hang out that much at work.

- Oh. Sorry.
- It's really nice.

Let's see what it is... It's, uh... uh... anal lubricant.

"Unscented petroleum gel... to ease anal pentra..." Thank you. Okay.

Oh, my God - Wallis! I?

Did I do wrong? I thought we were supposed to get sex stuff?

Wallis, you're supposed to get funny sex stuff - like cute things!

I'm sorry. I?ve never been to a bridal shower before.

I was so grateful to be invited, I really don't want to whiff this.

Oh! Well, you didn't know, so...

You want to pass it around?


Thanks. Has this been opened?

Okay! Uh... um, why don't I, um, open this other gift from Maria?

It feels like a DVD!

"Secrets of the Kama Sutra"? You guys!

- Maria, you are so bad!
- You guys are gonna thank me later!

You are so bad!

Alright, I'll get the next one. It feels like another video!

"Twink Summer: Gay Boy toys From All Around the World".

Get it? Huh huh! It's a sex movie! It's like hers!

Okay... I think I did wrong again.

What's the movie? I don't understand.

No, no - it's nothing, Mom!

It's "Twink Summer", Ma'am. It's 90 minutes, 100 twinks... one unforgettable summer!

Wallis! Wallis... Wallis. Okay, are there any other gifts?

No! Looks like we're out of gifts. Let's move on, no more!

Okay... uh, why don't we read the bridal quizzes? Okay,

Question 1: "Who is the bride's celebrity sexception?" Oh, Kenda wrote "Ryan Gosling"...

He's mine!

Oh, my goodness - you, too!

Okay, okay... looks like we all put Ryan Byling!

We should just destroy the quizzes, move on! Okay!

Oh, my God... who wrote "Michael Vick"?

Yeah, who... wrote that? I should explain ?

I have never taken a bridal quiz before.

Uh-oh! I think that might be a sexy visitor!

What did you do?

Is there a Wallis here?

Oh, no! Hey - maybe we should pass that lube around again.

Wallis, who is this?

Okay, Chuckas... I hired this guy before I understood the tone of the party.

Okay, ground rules: My name is Tony. I am a Human Toilet.

You can go to the bathroom on me! If you have a dish,

I'll eat it like a dog! But I do not provide the dish.

Oh, God... I am so embarrassed, ladies.

I thought he provided the dish! I didn't know...

Who's that man?

No one, no one!

He's a Human Toilet, Mrs. Malone! We can go to the bathroom on him. He's kind of like a...

Freeze, ladies! You have the right to see our buns!

Oh, crap! It's the po-po!

Hey! What are you doing?!

Die, pig!

They're not cops, they're strippers!

Oh, thank God! Okay, sorry! I also brought, like, a bunch of cocaine!

I have never been to a bridal party before!

What does 20 dollars get me?

10 dollars gets you the world.

Good dog!

Hey, Karen... I'm sorry you didn't land that account. You okay?

Oh, that's fine - I'm totally fine!

Oh. We all know how bad you wanted it.

Why don't you take your mind off of it, and join us for Happy hour?

Yeah! TGI Friday's has 100 wings for only 20 cents until 7 pm!

No, I'm okay! I'll be right behind you. I just... have to... do a couple things.

Okay. And don't worry - you're gonna get it next time.

Thanks! Bye!

And... play.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This desk is, like, crazy - oh, my God,

I have too many pencils! So many of them!

Karen... Karen. Stop! I know you were listening to Adele's "Someone Like You" and crying.


And you know what? Last night, I watched the series finale of

"Friday Night Lights" and it really messed me up, so...

Say no more.

Is everyone coming?

Yes! Thank you for your business! We will get right on that! Okay, bye-bye!


Ladies, I'm no dummy. You both needed a good cry,

so you were listening to Adele's "Someone Like You".

Do you do it, too?

Everyone with a heart and an iTunes account does.

So I know it... I get it... and I want in.

Why? What's going on with you?

All week, my, uh... my parakeets have been fighting.

I feel I'm caught in the middle of it. So... so, hit me.



Where are you at?!

We're not doing anything, okay?!

We were doing nothing! We were doing nothing!

I was thinking about my birds and crying to Adele's "Someone Like You".


What are you guys doing back here?

That Happy Hour wings special ended at 6:30. Oh, God...

Press Play...

Guys... let's go get some full-priced wings!

We're going To Make Technology Hump!

Hello! And welcome to...

"We're going To Make Technology Hump!"

I'm Colleen, and this is Jacob. We've got a great show!

We sure do! This first little number features a Droid and a digital camera.

Oh! We'll see how that turns out!

Well, the kitchen's not clean, but I've had enough of this for one day. I'm punching out!

Not so fast, Line Cook - I want to talk to you about your attitude.

What?! You don't like my... attitude?

No, I do. I love it. You just do whatever you want, don't you?

Maybe I do.

Show me.

Okay - that was hot!

Let's keep it going, with this next little number between

a video game controller and an iPad!

Oh, taboo!

Here's your champagne Mr. Clark. You want this charged to the room?

I know you!

I'm... sorry?

I've seen you - downtown.

I don't think I know what you're talking about...

You're a call girl. So tell me... how much do you cost?

More than you can afford.

Ha ha! Name your price.

A lifetime of love.

Get over here.

Get a load of that!

Hey! We've got some Viewer Email!

Ryan from Sacramento says: "We don't want your dumbass

soap opera scenes. Just show clean, close-up shots of tech-humping."

Call me a hopeless romantic, but this lady needs

a little dialogue before the action!

I hear that shit! Now, for our third Tech Hump,

Colleen and I are gonna view a GPS Navscreen and a curling iron!

I swore I'd never pose nude again after Chuck broke my heart.

You're talking an awful lot about Chuck today. How did he break your heart? Tell me.

He died!

Oh! I'm sorry, I... didn't...

No, you couldn't have - he was shot... by Chechen rebels.

Now you truly are naked.

Okay... Mr. Poetry. Can I put my towel on?

Not... just... yet.

Well, that's our show this week.

Tune in next time for a steamy scene between

a shower radio and a Barnes & Noble Nook!

"We're going To Make... Technology Hump!"

Thank you to Coldplay, Andrew Garfield...

Lorne, the cast...

my mom, my dad, Spencer! Thank you so much, you've been great!