Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 37, Episode 4 - Anna Faris/Drake - full transcript

The following is a message
of New York Mayor

Michael Bloomberg.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Hello.

I'm Michael Bloomberg.

Now, before I begin, I hope you
have all recovered from the

traumatic, leaf-rustling
earthquake that hit New York

this July.

Also, I'd like the apologize for
all the Hurricane Irene hysteria

this summer, but since you're
such bitches about the snowstorm

last year, you left me
with little choice.



Tonight I went to address the
demonstrations currently taking

place in Lower Manhattan
and what is being called

Occupy Wall Street.

While these protests began here
in New York, they have spread to

dozens of other cities
throughout the globe, proving

once again that New York sets
the trends and

the rest of the world follows.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

So with all due respect to

Chicago, Los Angeles and London,
if you're looking to vent your

rage at the system, where the
richest 1% controls 40% of the

planet's wealth, there is no
better time and no better place

than autumn in New York.

The weather here has been
absolutely gorgeous and while



you're in town why not cap all a
day of protests with dinner at

one of New York's many
world-class restaurants?

Or take in a Broadway show like
"Marry Poppins."

Currently at the New
Amsterdam Theater.

Whatever you may have heard, I
want to make demonstrators as

welcome and as
comfortable as possible.

Yes, sometimes things do not go
as planned.

This week, my office had
arranged to clear the park of

protesters so the area could be
power washed.

The protesters became upset and
some went so far as to suggest

that the power washing was simply
a ruse to break up the demonstration.

Nonsense.

As all New Yorkers know, various
parts of the city are routinely

power washed.

Power washing is a New York
institution and without it the

Big Apple would lose its
reputation as the world's

cleanest and most thoroughly sanitized city ?

with streets, as the saying goes, "you can eat off!"

Now, even though we have gone to
great lengths to make them feel

welcome, there have regrettably
been some clashes between the

protesters and law enforcement.

Several demonstrators have even
been pepper sprayed.

Although they're isolated
incidents, on behalf of the city

I would like to apologize and
make one thing absolutely clear.

All pepper spray used was
made from 100% pure extract

without any added oil or transfats
and was completely salt free.

Now, for the protesters down
on Wall Street, let me say

something from the heart.

The message of the Occupy Wall
Street movement should not be

trivialized.

The wealthiest 1% of the nation
continues to profit outrageously

at the expense of the 99%.

Ordinary people are angry at
those on top and I can well

understand why they would occupy
their places of businesses and

even demonstrate outside their
homes, but here

I'd like to point out something.

Despite what you may have heard,
I'm not really all that rich.

In fact, there are several
individuals living right here in

New York who are far wealthier
than myself.

People like Hedge Fund
Billionaire George Soros, who

lives at 85th street and 5th
avenue.

Or Jamie Diamond,
CEO of JP Morgan CHASE,

Whose townhouse
I believe is on Madison

between 73rd and 74th.

On the left side.

And for protesters who are also
Yankee fans, angry at the team's

embarrassing loss to Detroit,
Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse

at Trump Tower.

Technically I might be richer
than A-Rod, but I think we can

all agree he has done
less to earn it.

[ APPLAUSE ]

My point is this.

Occupy Wall Street,
I'm on your side.

Come to New York and let
your voice be heard.

You'll be treated with dignity
and respect by the city and the

police.

With one caveat.

The second, and I mean the
second, I see a demonstrator

lighting up a cigarette,
we're moving in.

The batons will come out and the
badge numbers will come off and

if you think I'm joking, go
ahead, make my day.

Thank you for listening
and Live from New York,

it's Saturday Night!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Anna Faris.

Hi.

Thank you.

Thank you guys.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

It is great to be hosting
"Saturday Night Live's

Halloween Show."

You know, a lot of girls will
dress up as sexy kittens for

halloween but, you know,
I hate that stuff.

So I'm going to go with the
opposite of the sexy kitten.

An old sick horse.

Yeah.

This is actually
my second hosting.

The first time I was really
nervous but, you know, now I'm

totally comfortable
and confident.

So, I thought I'd
take some questions.

So, this is going to be fun.

Ah, yes, you.

Yeah. The economic crisis in Greece,
is the problem fiscal or cultural?

Um, yeah. I was hoping we could
talk about something a little more fun.

What's more fun than discussing
the collapse of the euro zone?

I mean...

Okay.
Sure.

I just meant something a little
more lighthearted.

Hey, how about you, girlfriend?
What you gossiping about?

Okay.

If you have to pick which of the
world's religions would you say

is the right one?

Oh.

That seems like something
I should not answer.

Come on, guys.
Think fun.

Like we're at a
girlie sleep over.

Oh, how about you?

At these sleepovers, what are
you wearing when you practice

kiss each other?

I mean, you know what?

Let's forget the whole
sleep over thing.

Too late.

You know, I don't really feel
comfortable with anyone here.

What about me?

Oh.

I love your dress.

Oh.

I love yours!

Oh, wait.

Who are you?

I'm Hannah.

Hannah Garis.

I love your name!

Where did you get it?

My parents.

Me, too!

Spooky.
Spooky!

Let's go talk about cute boys.

You have to start the show?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Well, we have a great
show for you tonight.

Drake is here.

"The Manuel Ortiz Show."

Hola.
And welcome to my show.

I'm Manuel Ortiz and here to
help you with whatever you're

going through.

If I cannot, I'm
very, very sorry.

We have a big surprise
for our first guest.

Please welcome
Cassandra Jimenez.

Hola, Cassandra.

Hola Manuel.

Do you know why you're here?

I'm here for a makeover
because my hair needs more

crunchy curl.

Your mother has a secret she
wants to share.

Do you want to hear it?

I do not but it will be
good the see my mother.

Please welcome senora
Briana Espinar

Hola, senora.

Hola.

Say, what is your big secret?

My daughter's husband is
cheating on her.

How do you know this?

I've seen the sexting
on his cell phone.

Oy.

Let's bring him out now.

Please welcome Oscar Jimenez.

[ APPLAUSE ]

Manuel, it's good to see you
in person.

You may change your mind
about that.

If I do, I will.

Your stepmother says
you have been sexting.

No way.

The text is not
included in my bundle.

He lies! He cheats with women!

She's **

Also we used a sexy decoy, and caught
you cheating on hidden camera.

No.

Let's roll it.

Quieres plantanos?

Si

Do you want to cheat with me?

Si, I would like
to cheat with you.

Hey! Look at the hidden camera.

Where?

Oh.

What did you think of
yourself now?

- I look good.
- Let's bring out our sexy decoy, Maria Montoya.

Hola, Manuel.

This was a fun job for me.

So, what kind of things
did he say to you?

He said he wanted me to touch
his tomatillos.

I don't know if we can say
that on broadcast television.

Let me check with our censor.
Please welcome, Benny.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

So, "touch his tomatillos"
is this too racy for TV?

Si, si, maybe you just say tickle his
tiny coconuts instead.

Okay. Very well, my friend.
Gracias.

So, Maria, what else did you
find out about Oscar?

Oscar's trying to make the
child with another woman.

You lie.

I don't lie. I am an actress.

And he is a dog.

Not a dog. I am a man.

You are dead to me.

Here she is.

Please welcome Gabriella
Molina Montoya Gutierrez.

[ APPLAUSE ]

Hola, Oscar. Are you surprised?

I am. To a certain point.

Gabriella, there's something
you want Oscar to know?

Si.
I am not what he thinks I am.

You are not from
Santo Domingo area?

I am a man under this wig.

Ow.

[ BUZZER ]

Okay, this is a fire alarm.
Do not panic. This is a drill.

Okay, we have to get out in an
orderly fashion.

We go.

Okay.

Let's go.

You're watching Lifetime.

Television for women,
white women.

And now from the creators of
Lifetime original movies like,

"What Did Becky See" And "Where
Does Brenda Go At Night", comes

the first Lifetime Original Game
Show.

It's time to play...

"What's Wrong With Tanya."

And here's your host, Vince
Blake.

Thank you and welcome to
"What's Wrong With Tanya," the

game show where mothers from
Lifetime original movies try and

guess what's wrong with
Beautiful daughter Tanya.

Let's meet our contestants.

First up from Pleasant Grove,
Mary Jo Williams.

Hello.

Says here you and your family
live in a quiet town on a quiet

street.

Nothing bad could
ever happen to us.

Or so it would seem.

Next up, from Pleasant Falls,
Jobeth Anderson.

Says here your new husband has a
locked drawer in the office that

you're not allowed to open.

It's none of my business.

Finally, from Pleasant Town,
Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo.

Says here that you have the
perfect life.

Perfect from the outside.

Yikes!

Okay. Let's go over the rules.

A Lifetime movie Tanya
will walk out and you'll

have 15 seconds to guess
what's wrong with her.

There's nothing wrong with her!

Yes, there is.

All right.

Let's bring out our first Tanya.

All right.

Mothers, what is wrong with...
Tanya?

Tanya?

Show me your eyes, Tanya.

Over here!

Over here!

Look at me.

[ BUZZER ] Mary Beth Jo-Jo.

Tanya, you have been going to
those parties where girls do

oral sex for bracelets.

[ DING ] That's right.

That's right.

She goes to those parties which
are a real thing.

Good work, Mary Jo.

You won a Volvo filled
with groceries.

Let's bring out our next Tanya.

But it can want happen to a boy.

So you thought.

What's wrong with boy Tanya?

Tanya? Tanya?

Boy Tanya? Tanya?

Mary Jo Williams.

You're a secret stripper.

No.

Tanya, you're pregnant.

What?

No!

Come on.

Tanya, your english teacher
caught you cheating so he made

you take naked pictures and it's online and it's giving

you an eating disorder, and also you can't read.

Mary Beth Jo-Jo.

You are in lead.

You move to our lightning round.

You may watch the rest of the
game while you pretend to rake

leaves.

All right.
Get you on your Mark here.

Oh, you're hurting my arm.

Who's going to believe you?

Now, in this round, I'll say
something Tanya's doing and you

either say yes or you scream no.

Let's get 20 seconds on the clock.

Tanya's back on the swim team.

Yes.

The girls at school are
saying Tonya is easy.

No!

[ DING ]

She has bruises on the
shoulders.

Tanya!

Judges?

[ DING ]

Tanya had a baby at prom.

No!

[ DING ]

She named the baby Tanya.

Yes.

[ DING ] Congrats,
Mary Jo Beth Jo-Jo, you won

everything a woman could ever want.

But what happened to Tanya?

She died.

Oh. Well, thanks for having me.

You're not going anywhere.

You'll never leave me.

That's our show!

Stay tuned for the Lifetime
original comedy "Weekend at

Meredith Baxter Bernie's."
Thank you.

[ APPLAUSE ]

And now, a brief interview
with Drake.

Good evening and welcome to a
very brief interview.

I'm joined this evening by
international phenomenon,

Singer, rapper, and actor Drake.

Drake, how are you?

Man, I am, I'm just...

this has been a brief
interview with Drake.

And now, an extremely close
interview with Drake.

Good evening.

I'm joined tonight by Singer,
rapper, Drake.

Drake, how are you?

I'm good, man. Can you see me?

Oh, yeah. We can see you
loud and clear, Buddy.

Just seems like the
cameras are really close.

No. This is how we do it.
Totally normal.

Well, can we at least show
my album Cover? Please.

You got it.
Here it is right here.

- Are you seeing that?
- Yeah, I don't think...

and now an EXTREMELY
sarcastic interview with Drake.

Good evening.

I'm joined by musician Drake.

Drake, how are you?

I'm... I'm good, I guess.

And now a racist
interview with Drake.

- So Drake... - Don't do it.
- Yeah. - Not worth it.

And now a wordless
deduction of Drake.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I don't... I don't like men.

Oh, no. Me neither.

And now a quick word
from our sponsor.

Hi!

Okay. That's just our sponsor.

She pays for the show so...
I have sex with her.

And now, a matching sweaters
interview with Drake.

[ LAUGHTER ]

And now, a horribly dubbed
interview with Drake.

So, Drake, what's your
favorite track off the new

record?

Oh, well, I'm Drake.

Although, I'm a person doing
rap and stuff, you know.

I have a little
doggy that I love.

Oh, interesting.

And now, an extremely dark
interview with Drake.

Hello.

Thanks for being here, Drake.

Come on, man.

Quit... I can't even see
[ BLEEP] right now.

Dra-ake.

Who said that?

[ EERIE MUSIC ]

Hello!

Hello?

Happy Halloween!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

You're watching Marriott TV,
the in-room guide to everything

our hotel has to offer.

Up next, live from Conference
room 5 in the Cedar Falls

Ccourtyard Marriott, it's yet
another GOP debate.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Hello.

I'm Sandy Schaub
from Marriott TV.

Welcome to the second of
two GOP debates this week,

the first of which was televised by
Bloomberg TV, while tonight's debate

takes place on the only channel
people tune in to less.

As a reminder to the candidates,
no one is watching,

so the stakes are low.

We have rearranged the seating
from past debates based on the

most recent polling results, and
therefore, the likelihood of

each candidate winning the
nomination.

In the center, the new Leader in
the polls, Herman Cain.

I'm as surprised as you are.

Next to him is former
Governor Mitt Romney.

Herman Cain, you guys are
killing me.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Three seats over in a chair
facing the wall, the fading

Rick Perry.

In a locked janitor's closet is
congresswoman Michele Bachmann

and curio of a bygone
era, Newt Gingrich.

Out in the parking garage, it's
Texas congressman Ron Paul.

And live from a crowded
gay bar in the Castro

District of San Francisco, Rick Santorum.

Very funny!

And Jon Huntsman couldn't be
here tonight because we gave him

the wrong address on purpose.

We begin with Governor Romney.

Governor, on Monday, you
received an endorsement from

Chris Christie.

Then you outperformed your
opponents at Tuesday's debate.

Yet the newest polls show you
trailing Herman Cain by as many

as 15 points.

Yes.

When are you going to accept
that Republicans just don't like

you?

Look.

I don't think they dislike me.

I just think they want to
exhaust their options.

I understand that before anyone
goes home with Mitt Romney,

they're going to take one last
lap around the bar to see who's

there, anyone better than me.

And I'm okay with that.

Go.

Go, sow your oats.

I will wait for you.

You be Jenny and I'll
be your Forrest Gump.

Be with as many guys as you want
and I will be here still running

around the country like an idiot
until you can come home so I can

watch you die.

I should have left off
that last part, I guess.

Herman Cain?

Yes.

With your rise in the polls,
many are taking a closer look at

your 999 tax plan, and most
economists agree It's an

oversimplified, unworkable
solution to a complicated

financial situation.

Well, let me explain.

I never thought that I would
be taken seriously, so I never

thought that anyone
would look at it.

The original goal of the 999
plan was to get me a show on Fox

News at 9:00.

But if America is looking for
catchy, unworkable solutions to

complicated problems, Herman
Cain will keep them coming.

How do we fight terrorism?

My 555 plan.

For every terrorist, America
will send five airplanes, five

soldiers and five of those dogs
that caught Osama bin laden.

How we fix health care?

The 333 plan.

Every time you get sick, you get
three pills, three days off, and

three chicken noodle soups.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Having trouble getting
to the airport?

Dial 777 for a car or
limousine.

Don't hassle with a cab.

Vote Herman Cain.

Governor Perry, on Thursday
your wife said you were being

brutalized because
of your faith.

Yet, it was a Pastor affiliated
with your campaign who recently

called mormonism a cult.

What's going on?

I think the best way to
explain it is we're desperate

and we're willing
to try anything.

Nothing is beneath us right now.

You are going to see us start
playing the mormon card.

We'll start playing the race
card.

Heck, this week my staff looked
in to a plan that would frame

Mitt Romney for murder in Texas.

Railroad him through a sham
trial and then, you know.

Oh, let me stress, Mitt,
that plan never passed the

exploratory phase.

That's okay.

I'm incapable of rage.

The point is, when you can't
get better, your options are

limited, so my promise is this.

You haven't seen the
worst of Rick Perry yet.

Let's go back to the
janitor's closet.

Michele Bachmann
and Newt Gingrich.

Neither of you are
going to win, and

you're starting to
waste our time.

Fair.

Agreed.

At the end of Tonight's debate,
we'll unlock the door to your room.

Whoever is still standing can
come to the next debate.

Whoever isn't is
out of the race.

I don't understand.

Aah!

Ow!

Herman Cain, do you think
your campaign will be able to

withstand the extra scrutiny
that comes with being the

front-runner?

I do not.

If I may, let me put it in pizza
terms.

Nothing beats that first
hot slice of pizza.

Second slice is
also hard to beat.

You see, America is on the
second slice of Herman Cain

right now.

But unfortunately, there's no
such thing as a two-slice pizza,

so you keep stuffing yourself
full of Herman Cain, and soon

your tummy will be a gassy mess.

You will go to bed
and have bad dreams.

In the morning, you
wake up and say,

today I'm eating a nice salad.

If I may, I believe I
can be that salad.

All right?
No croutons, no dressing.

Just lettuce in a bowl.

Look, in 2008, America was a
place full of hope and

Barack Obama was the candidate
for that America.

Now, it's starting to sink in
that there's nothing to be

hopeful about.

In 2008, America was a vibrant,
young person with their whole

life ahead of them.

Now America has a bum knee, an
exploded mortgage and no job.

The time for dreaming is over.

It's time to settle.

And nothing says you're settling
like Mitt Romney.

barack obama made

America say yes, we can.

Well, I think I can make them
say, yes, we can live with that.

Rick Santorum, how
are you doing?

Bad!

And Ron Paul?

Seems like an unmarked
Van is approaching.

Looks like bad
news for Ron Paul.

But hold on.

Ron Paul!

Not going anywhere.

Ideologically pure
and tough as nails.

Well, that concludes
tonight's debate.

Join us for our next debate when
we basically continue to turn

into a season of "Survivor"
Where no one is ever

voted off the island.

Ladies and gentlemen, Drake!

"Weekend update"
With Seth Meyers.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Good evening.

I'm Seth Meyers and here
are tonight's top stories.

The White House on Thursday
made its first attack on

Mitt Romney's presidential
campaign saying that on many

issues Romney is
stunningly inconsistent.

Romney fired back calling the
charges absolutely false and

absolutely true.

On Tuesday night, the
Republican candidates met once

again for what appeared to
either be a seance or the

world's most Boring poker game.

Let's see.

Boring poker game.

Boring poker game.

Oh, it was a seance.

It was a saance.

A new chat down security program
is being tested in when

agents try to scene out possible
terrorists by talking to travelers

and asking where are you going
and how long are you staying?

And then they simply arrest
anyone who answers to be with

Allah for all eternity.

Fail safe.

Phoenix Jones, a costume
vigilant, was arrested in

Seattle After using pepper
spray on a group of people.

Jones apparently became
a superhero after

was bitten by a
radioactive idiot.

Well, there's been a lot of news in
the news lately but here with the news

he heard secondhand is our secondhand
news corresponder Anthony Crispino

how's it going, everybody?
Great to be back.

Congratulations.

On what? I don't know.

On whatever that
thing was you did.

Thanks.

So Anthony, what are
you hearing newswise?

First of all, Seth, you hear
about this big thing downtown?

Apparently they're
occupying Walgreens.

No, Anthony.

They're occupying Wall Street.

Pretty sure it was
Walgreens, Seth.

I know because it's
full of protestants.

They're protesters.

They're not protestants,
they're protesters.

Either way, they're
very mad because they

want everything in the
store to be 99% off.

And you can't deny
the movement, Seth.

It's finally gaining momento.

I'm sorry. This is wrong.

Where did you hear this?

From the lady that sells me
the salami Meaty Diane.

OK.

She's meaty

Meaty Diane gave you
the wrong information.

Okay.

All right.

Do you have anything
else for us?

Yeah. You hear about this one?

They freed Courteney Cox.

No. Amanda Knox.

- Close enough.
- No, it's not.

- Not close at all.
- True.

Apparently thigh finally
released her from that

Olive Garden.

No.

It wasn't an Olive Garden.
It was italian prison.

No. It was the italian
restaurant, Olive Garden.

You see, they accused of killing
her the roommate but they were

like, when you're here, you're
family so they let her go.

Who told you that?

My nazi friend Pee Wee German.

Okay, Anthony.

- He's weird.
- Do you have anything else?

Yeah. Let's see.

I heard that Ashton Kutcher is
breaking up with Dinty Moore.

She told no soup for you!

No.

They released an
iPhone for your ass.

No! No.

It's the iPhone 4s.

No. It's for your ass there.

No.

Why it will be for ass?

For Bootie calls.

- Come on.
- All right.

Let's see.

What else? What else?

And oh!

All the NBA players, they got
locked out of their houses.

- Nope.
- Yep.

Because the commissioner Howard
Stern couldn't find the keys.

Nope. That's wrong.

You know what they
should get, Seth?

One of those...
they should get one of those fake rocks.

You put it outside your
rock with a hollow bottom.

You know how they work?

Yeah. Hide a key in
the hollow bottom.

That's way better.
I chuck it through the window.

So much smarter.

Anthony, everyone!

There's someone in there.

According to a new study 91%
of children in the U.S. Play

video games while the other 9%
ARE too fat to play video games.

A man in Kansas who was taken
to the hospital after he

was stabbed in the scrotum with
a hypodermic needle until an

argument and that's just one of
the reasons to never get in an

argument when your
scrotum is out.

50 couples in Maine this
past weekend competed in the

annual wife carrying
championship.

Which means that afterwards,
49 couples drove home

in stony silence.

Good carrying.

A restauranteur in New York
city is planning to convert an

old Ferry in to a floating
lobster restaurant combining the

grand your of a terrible commute
with the sanitary standards of

the Hudson river.

The assistant suicide machine
will be auctioned off

later this month so if you're

looking for a great gag
gift for grandma...

just a suggestion.

I actually don't know
what it looks like.

Can we take a look?

Oh, come on!

A woman in Chicago's 39 weeks
pregnant ran the marathon

Sunday and then gave birth to a
daughter

after she'd finished the race.

I think we have a
photo of the baby.

Halloween is just
around the corner.

Here to talk about a new trend
are two teenagers dressed as

werewolves.

You're already in costume.

Oh, we love Halloween.

Aren't you too old to
be trick or treating?

Oh, we don't trick or treat,
but we still get candy.

OK. How's that?

It's called bag jacking, Seth.

Little kids get candy...

And we take it.

Sorry, bag jacking?

You know, instead of going house
to house, we go kid to kid and

take their bags, and they
just cry like, "I'm hungry."

I want my Candy.
It is really funny.

I don't think it is
fun for everyone.

Oh, it is.

We made a song about it.

Man, hit the track.

What we doin' Drake
We bag jacking bitches

What we doin' Drake
We bag jacking bitches

We'll take your whole
bag of Candy, leave you

in the cold, so bring your
ruckus if you under

12 years old
It's 7:58 and now your

curfews pushing
Watch out 'cause like

Republicans I'm
behind the bushes

It wasn't me if you ask me
That's what I'mma tell you

and I'mma eat so much chocolate
my blood type's nutella

Got wanted signs from mad parents,
state troopers, kidnapped Willy Wonka

and bitch slapped the
Oompa Loompa

What we doin Drake

We bag jacking bitches
What we doin Drake

We bag jacking bitches

we'll take your bag of
Candy leave you in the cold

so you bring your ruckus
if you're under 12 years old

Give me your Reese's pieces

Give me your Hershey bar
I want your milky way

Give me that snickers bar
I would trick or treat but

I'm too old now so I
snatch your bag

So, I don't look
like a pedophile

My sticky fingers got all of
these mothers mad at me

We're talking stomach aches

Restraining orders cavities
I probably won't have

no teeth when I'm finished
I don't pay for the porcelains.

I just marry my dentist.

What we doin Drake
We bag jacking bitches

What we doin Drake
We bag jacking bitches

We'll take your whole
bag of Candy, leave you

in the cold

So bring your ruckus if
you're under 12 years old

Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween!

Thank you.

Two teenagers dressed as
werewolves, everyone.

They jack bag.

This weekend is the New York
comic con if you're wondering

why your local grocery store
is out of aluminum foil.

The national hot dog and
sausage council on Monday

condemned the incident of throwing a hot
dog at Tiger Woods during a tournament.

The council incidentally is made
up of the most disgusting parts

of other councils.

A couple in Massachusetts
called police to rescue them

after they were lost in a corn
Maze, even more embarrassing,

this was the Maze.

Good night?!

Four root beer floats.

Enjoy, ladies.

Hey.

What's the matter, Kendra?

Yeah, Kendra.

You love root beer floats.

Oh, you know, just boy drama.

What happened?

Well, there's this guy and,

Well, we've been texts and,

Well, I'm really in to him and,

Well, I can't tell if he's in to

Me or not.

Well, have you
talked to him, yet?

I would but...

I don't know what to say.

All right, Kendra. Listen up.

I know something about love

You got to want him bad

If the guy's got
in to your blood

go ahead and get him

if you want him to be

the very part of you

that makes you want to breathe

Here's the thing to do

Tell him that you're never
going to leave him

Tell him that you're
always going to love him

Tell him tell him
tell him

Tell him right now

But guys, I did tell him that

on our first date.

I told him I would
never leave him

and that I would
always love him.

He seemed really weirded out.

Oh, my god, you can't say

something that intense
on your first date.

Yeah, Kendra. When you
first start dating a guy

you have to keep things
Light and casual.

Before you tell
him you love him,

you have to tell him a lot
of other things, first.

Tell him that you don't

believe in marriage
Tell him that

you don't care if
you have kids

Tell him
Tell him tell him

Tell him all lies

But I love him.
Why would I lie to him?

She's not getting it.

You see, lies are a natural
part of the dating process.

Especially early on.

You need to show him that
you're not one of those girls.

What do you mean, those girls?

I mean, like, girls.

You need to tell them that

you love watching hockey

Tell him that you
play "Call of Duty"

Tell him you're a total nerd

And you love reading comics

But I don't understand.

I don't even know what
"Call of Duty" is.

What if he asks me
to play it with him?

Trust me.

He'll never ask you to play.
He just wants you to appreciate

all the time he
spends playing It.

And if guys want to watch
sports and sci-fi all day,

why don't they just date each other?

Increasingly they do.

In fact, psychologists predict
that eventually all men will

become gay to watch
their favorite shows.

But for now they still need sex.

And when it comes to that, you

have to seem fun and
up for anything.

Tell him that you'll
always do a three-way

Tell him that you
want porn every day

Tell him you're not broke out

and you said the word panties

What do you want
us to call them?

- Underwear!
- No!

Okay.

So early on I have to lie to him

a little, but once we're dating

then we're just honest
with each other, right?

No.

Then you enter a
new phase of lies.

I call it maintaining
the mystery.

I know something about men

they never want to know

How us women keep it all up

You have to hide it

If you want him to stay

pining after you

then you have to

hide the things

all women do.

Tell him that

You're natural hairless

Make him think you

never use the bathroom,

then when he's sleeping

you can run to Starbucks

Wait, I can never
go to the bathroom?

No!

Of course not.

I went away to Mexico
with a guy once.

I spent so much time in the

lobby bathroom people started

tipping me.

One night after a big dinner I
had to fake a kidnapping just to

Get a couple hours alone.

But it was worth it because
at The end of the trip

he said I was one of
the chillest girls he

ever met and that
he would call Me.

Did he?

It's been a real crazy work

year for him, but we're going to

hang out real soon, though.

This seems like a lot of

deception just to fall in love.

Here's the deal.

These are just the things we say

until we actually fall in love.

When you meet the one,
none of This matters.

You can finally just be

yourself and
not worry about

playing games or
tricking him.

Then you know

It will be

True Love from fairytale

You'll both be happy

But if he tries to bail

Tell him that

You're pregnant and
it's his kid

Tell him that

You need to get married

Tell him
Tell him

Tell him tell him right

Tell him Tell him.
Tell him

Tell him right
Tell him

Tell him tell him

Tell him right now

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're watching Michigan
State Campus TV.

At 4:15, it's "Hazing Bloopers
with Al Fakai," But up next,

it's "J-Pop America
Fun Time Now."

[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]

J-Pop America Fun Time Now

Konnichiwa.

Konnichiwa.

I am Jonathan-san.

I'm Rebecca-san.

Welcome to "J-Pop
America Fun Time Now"!

Celebrating Japanese culture,
fashion and music.

[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]

Before we begin, we should
clarify that Jonathan-san and

myself are not Japanese.

I am from Nebraska.

And I'm from Daytona beach-aru.

We have never been to Japan,
but it is our dream.

[ GIGGLING ]

Our passion for all things
Japanese was inspired by our

honorable Japanese study
Professor Sensei Mark Kaufman.

He is here because he is our
hero, and also because we need a

faculty member present
to run the TV studio.

Please, a very huge, happy
hello to Sensei Mark.

Hello, Hello?

Hey guys, I love the enthusiasm.

I would like to point out to
everyone watching that what

Rebecca and Jonathan have
latched onto represents a very

narrow and mostly inaccurate
view of Japanese culture.

They are actually my
two worst students.

Thank you, Sensei Mark.

Sensei is Japanese for one who
has been guided by the spirits

of many ages-aru.

No, no, no. It's not.
It just means teacher.

That's all it means.

Sensei Mark has a great
sense of humor-ru.

Hih-Hih. Oh!

[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]

Guest time!

Our honored guest today has
the largest anime video

collection on MSU's campus.

Please bow with honor for the
Jennifer Hamstead-staru.

It is an honor to be here.

Or as they say in Japan...
[ SPEAKS GIBBERISH ]

No, no, no. No one says that.
None of those are words.

Jennifer-san, it looks like you
are dressed as a character

from Japanese anime, or the art
of Japanese animation-dedu.

Yes, I made this costume based
on a character I created

named Cherry Cherry Iraq and Iran.

Oh! How very Japanese.

Certainly you are the
very most Japanese.

You two are non-hinjin which
is Japanese for Japanese.

None of you are Japanese. Okay?

Also, you're riding a fine line
between homage and racism, kids.

[ GIGGLING ]
Oh!

Sensei Mark, you must
know I am not a racist.

My girlfriend is Japanese!

Hi.

And Jennifer-san, you have super
yes good news for this weekend.

Yes. I'm hosting a viewing party
in the Steinberg Recreational

Center-desu of the 1976
anime series "Candy Candy."

Candy, we love to...
the one who wants to love us.

Oh! Oh!

I love it so much I've written
a song about it in Japanese.

Oh, please. We want to hear it.

Yeah!

[ SINGING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Okay.
- Okay.

That's the end of our show.

But before we go, we must thank
and give all credit to the

one that started this,
Sensei Mark.

No, no, no.
Don't you dare put this on me.

So, good bye, see you next time
on J-Pop America Fun Time Now!

[ SPEAKING IN FAKE JAPANESE ]

Ladies and gentlemen, Drake
featuring Nicki Minaj.

Honey, we are all very excited
to meet your new fella.

I bet he's a huge loser.

Shut up, Steven!

Yeah, come on, Steven.
Knock it off.

Anything's gonna be better
than that last guy.

Go easy on this one, dad.
I really like him, okay?

Well, it's my birthday.
I don't have to go easy on anybody.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

Oh guys, he's here.

Come on in.

Presenting Lord Wyndemere!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ha!

It is I!

Everyone, this is
my boyfriend Cecil.

i want sweets!

What?

Cecil, do you want to sit down
and make yourself at home?

I don't want to sit down.
I want to do my dance!

Cecil has a little dance
he does to show off.

Turlington, my melody!

Ha Ha ha!

Oh!

I could watch that all day!

Debbie, you didn't tell
me this guy was awesome.

Oh, he is.

When I first saw him chasing
swans in the park, I was like,

Oh, mama, please.

I am hungry. I want sweets!

Steve!

Get off your Butt and get
the little guy some sweets!

No.

I just remembered.
I know a secret

and I shan't tell a soul
even if you catch me.

- What?
- You can't catch me.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Wait! somebody catch that
little son of a bitch!

I want to hear that secret!

Ha Ha Ha Ha ha!

Catch him!

Ha Ha Ha Ha ha!

I'm going to hide where
no one can find me!

I'll go get him.
You can usually hear him giggling.

Oh, man, oh, boy!
How great is Cecil? Huh?

Real salt of the earth.

Dad, he brought a
fricking footman.

I mean, look at this dude.

You'll never catch me!

That is great.

Oh, have the sweets come yet?

That's real good. Steven!

Did I not say get the
boy some sweets?

I don't want to.

Gary. I'll go get the cake.

Thanks, babe.

Cecil is a little shy but he want it
is know if he can give you a present.

Are you kidding me? Absolutely.

Turlington.

That's his dog Bugsby

Bugsby's nose is cold. Ha ha ha!

Lord Wyndemere,
this is too much.

What did you give me, Steven?

You said you didn't
want anything.

Yeah, well, I guess I was wrong.

I wanted this.

Okay, everybody.

Happy birthday to you

Wait, wait, wait.
Stop! stop, stop, stop!

Look at Lord Wyndemere!

Sweet.

Oh, man. He's out like a light.

I remember when you
guys were this age.

Actually, dad, he's 48.

No kidding.
No wunder he's tuckered out.

I was just pretending!

You little scamp.

Hey, do that dance
again, will you?

Certainly.

Turlington.

Look at him go.
Steven, watch him!

I will not stop
until we find this.

Okay.

Welcome inside here today.

I'm not good at talking
sometimes. I'm sorry.

Hi. Oh, please,
have what we want.

We have been to every bookstore.

We certainly have some stuff.
What you looking for?

A Ferrari calendar.

You ladies in to cars?

No. We're in to the freaking hot
guys that pose next to them.

Ferrari calendars have the
hottest guys, and if we don't

get our hands on one,
our asses will explode.

Whoa.
I don't want to clean that up.

They're right over there.

Oh, my god, Danielle.
It's a frigging Ferrari calendar.

I don't know what I'm going
to do when I see these guys.

We have to play it real cool or our
whole asses are going to explode.

Oh, I hope they do. Here we go.
January. Are you ready?

God, I feel like I need to
put lipstick on. Oh, OK.

Oh, God. Look how fricking
gorgeous this guy is.

He is exactly my type.
So much attitude.

Square jaw. Dark glasses.
White sneakers.

Fitted light jeans, rolled
above the shoe, half his mouth

covered his popped up collar.

Yellow teeth. Kiss me now.
I can't take it. Can't take it.

Go to June I want to
see my birthday month.

I have to find out where that
model is and go to his house.

I love how he's pretending
to point and with attitude.

Bright white hair.

Black eyebrows and a
Dent in his forehead.

Slightly crossed eyes, long
fingernails, short legs. Oh!

Hello. Yeah. Those can come in
handy. Let's go to September.

Oh!

Now this one's the
boyfriend type.

My mom would be like, finally,
a guy with huge knees,

tiny shoulders and an inexplicable
point coming out of his head.

Don't leave out he has a tiny,
purple, newborn baby neck.

I noticed. I noticed. May!

May! Oh!

Oh my god.
This is my dream guy.

This is kid from the
streets attitude.

Long, stringy, shiny ear lobes.

Six-inch waist.
A vertical belly button.

Huge, beautiful blue
triangle-shaped eyes.

No nose, just holes.

Did you notice the
adorable tiny foot

coming straight out of his butt?

Oh, did I? Hello! Yeah.

Ladies, are you going to buy the
calendar or just look at it?

Just look at it.

That's fine for the
way I say today.

What is wrong with me?

Okay. Look, I don't know
about you but I don't know

if I can handle having
this calendar in my home.

I know. My ass would explode
all over the house.

We're pining after perfection
who we'll never find

I hear december
lives around here.

- What?
- What?

- God. Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Whoa.

Cool sunglasses, pepperoni nipples.
A bright red wizard hat.

Look at those legs
and Pilgrim shoes.

- My God.
- It's him!

What?

Want to go for a spin?

Pepperoni nipples.

Let's be today now ...

Our lives have been changed!

I'm ready to take
a chance again

[ APPLAUSE ]

Thank you so much to Drake,
Nicki Minaj, Lorne Michaels.

[ APPLAUSE ]