Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 36, Episode 21 - Ed Helms/Paul Simon - full transcript

>>> probably bt not the high end

Accommodations you're used to

Mr. Strauss-kahn, but make

Yourself at home.

>> did you hear what I heard?

>> well, we best introduce Ourselves.

Hey, we heard all about you on
The news.

>> mr. Dominique strauss-kahn,

Former head of the imf.

>> guess what, mr. Strauss-kahn,

I have a question for you.



What's the imf going to do with

The debt crisis in greece?

>> I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd let them default and let

Greece out of the euro zone.

>> come on, give greece a chance

To settle their debt.

>> with what?

Greeks don't pay their taxes.

Where's the revenue going to

Come from?

They selling a trillion dollars

Worth of feta?

>> don't beat on the greeks.



>> you know what the biggest

Greek export is?

>> hard-working greeks.

True, true.

>> strauss-kahn likes that.

>> yeah, you want to feel bad

For somebody?

Feel bad for the irish.

>> I hear that.

You got to feel for ireland.

>> the irish been eating dirt

And potatoes for 400 years.

You can't blame them for

Thinking it was their time for

Some happiness.

>> the good news is the irish

Know how to handle hard times.

They're like the germans.

>> what?

You can't say that.

The germans are the only ones

That know the score right now.

>> what about sweden?

>> I meant countries in the euro Zone.

>> when it comes to the euro

Sweden thanks od every day they

Were left out of it.

You got that, strauss-kahn?

You know what we're talking About?

He likes that one.

He's smiling a little bit.

He's in jail, but he's smiling.

>> all I'm saying is the germans

Are proving the only way out of

The debt crisis is measures.

You get in a jam, you got to cut Back.

>> you can't expect the rest of

Euuope to act like germany.

Germans are good at being as Tire.

That's their habit.

Sausage and carton of milk.

You can't expect someone in

Spain to be happy with that.

>> I guess germany has to pay

For Spain's sangria?

>> they do if they don't want it To rubble.

>> would you have them bail out

Portugal.

>> bitch, you know I have no

Love for port balanugal.

It's the dingleberry hanging off

Spain's nut sack.

>> when it was greece it was a

Different story.

>> they created democracy.

>> the creation of democracy is

In the past, yo.

Greece wanting respect for

Democracy is like them Wanting --

>> dsk knows what's I'm talking About.

>> it's good talking to you

Mr. Strauss-kahn.

>> yeah, it truly has.

So we going to rape you now.

>> yeah.

>> and live from new york it's

Saturday night!

>> announcer: It's "Saturday

Night live"!

With fred armisen

Abby elliott

Bill hader

Seth meyers

Bobby moynihan

Andy samberg

Jason sudeikis

Kenan thompson

Kristen wigg

Featuring vanessa bayer

Paul brittain

Taran killam

Nasim pedrad

Jay pharaoh

Musical guest --

Lady gaga

And your host --

Justin timberlake.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Justin timberlake!

>> thank youu

Thank you.

Thank you, mom.

I'm glad you're here tonight, Mom.

>> here we are.

I'm so happy to be here hosting

The season finale of "Saturday

Niggt live."

>>> now, in the past when I've

Hosted this show I've also been

The musical guest, but tonight

Tonight, lady gaga is here.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I've told lorne this is great.

I mean, now there's no pressure

On me to sing, because it's

Gaga's moment.

And then he said "well, you'll

Do one song, right?"

And I said "I ddn't think so."

And he said "justin."

And I said "please."

And he said "justin."

And I said "lorne."

And he said "j -- " and I said "no."

And finally, I realized I had to

Explain it in a way he'd

Understand.

>> lady gaga is here, so stick Around.

We got a great show.

We'll be right back.

>>> need a rest from your Shopping?

Stop by the grand opening of --

Steepers tea salon right there.

Got the most wonderful and

Delicate teas in town.

? like a hummingbird

Who saw the nectar

And drank ?

? keep a bag of delight

For you and me

Latch onto a cup of steeperr

Tea ?

>> take a moment in your busy

Day to try one of our 40

Varieties tea.

♪ yeah yeah yeah ♪

? I'm a brew boy boy boy

Watch you drink it up

Drink it drink it up

Is it big enough? ?

? drink it drink it

Baby baby

Drink it drink it

Love me love me ?

? want want want

What you want want want?

I give it to you baby like

Boom boom boom ?

? and bring it on down to

Liquorville ?

>> excuse me.

This is the area of the shopping

Center that I reserved to

Promote my tea shop.

If you could just scoot, that

Would be great.
Thank you..O cf1 o

>> actually, I think this is

What they call a common area, so

I'm just going to pop a squat

Right here.

♪ thank you ♪

>> common area is right.

>> what did you say under your
Breath, chamomile?

>> nothing.

? your cup is empty

That seems wrong

So let me tea bag you

All day long ?

? a pickup when your day

Is dragging

Tea bagging ?

>> okay.

You should really google that

Phrase.

Yeah.

And while you're doing that, get

Canadian, and check this out.

♪ what♪

? all I do is win win win

No matter what

You all get me on your mind

You can't ever get enough ?

And every time

I step up in your building

Your alcohol level goes up ?

? and it stays there

And it stays there

And it stays there

Up down up down ?

♪ up down what♪

What? ?

? big party going

Into your mouth cause

I've never been defeated

And I won't stop now ?

? bring it on down to

>> stop by and sample some of

Our picos from all over the

World.

How about a nice, hot oolong to

Coat your throat?

>> why does everything you say

Sound so nasty?

>> get 20% off when you join our

Frequent steepers club.

>> oh, speaking of clubs.

? everybody in the club

Getting tipsy

Everybody in the club

Getting tipsy ?

? everybody in the club

Getting tipsy

Everybody in the club

Getting tipsy ?

? beer here come the stout

To the amber to the ale

21 years or you're

Going to go to jail ?

? everybody in the club

Just bring it on down

To liquorville ?

Why are you looking at me like

I'm trash?

I'll have you know this is a

Recyclable bottle.

>> could you please relocate?

I am trying to attract a

Sophisticated clientele.

Not beer drinkers.

There is a chico's in the

Shopping center.

>> uh, excuse me tea bagger.

But, some very classy people

Come into our liquor store.

Don't worry, we don't just sell

Beer so chillax and stop

Whining.

? did somebody say

Wine ?

>> yes.

Oh, oh, they said it.

They definitely said it.

>> all right.

? do we pretend that fine wine

From the high shelves

Are like shooting stars? ?

? I could really use a drink

Right now

Drink right now

Drink right now ?

Oh my god!

? lee me talk to em

Let me talk to em

? shorty like them apple

Flavored wines wines ?

? with the whole store

Looking at her

She hit the floor ?

? I hit the floor

She hit the floor

Too much merlot ?

? bring it on down to

Liquorville ?

>> all right.

That's it.

I'm going to go ask

Williams-sonoma if they wouldn't

Mind me tea bagging in front of

Their entrance.&

>> good lord, lady.

Watch your mouth.

>> seriously, google it.

>>>well, it's just you and me.

>> what is it they say, beer

After wine?

>> feeling fine.

Cause no I can't deny ?

? this hooch I havv inside

I give it all to you ?

? my beee

My endless bud ?

? bring it on down to

Liquorville ?

>>> you're watching wspd news,

New york.

>> good morning, everyone.

I'm jack razolli.

>> and I'm wanda ramirez.

>> our top story toddy, a

Junior high school in long

Island has been evacuated after

A dangerous carbon monoxide Leak.

Veteran repprter herb welch is

On the scene, who this week

Celebrated his 70th year with

The network.
Hello, herb.

>> hello, jack.

>> now, herb, walk us through

What's happening at that school.

Have all the students been

Evacuated?

>> I've got a guy.

This is teacher, dan mcladdery.

>> it's mcdonald actually,

Dan mcdonald.

>> it's the same thing.

All right.

What happened?

>> well, we were told this

Morning about the leak, so I

Gathered the children and had

Them evacuate the school.

>> whaa -- what kind of teacher?

>> I'm an art teacher.

>> like with the macaroni and

The yarn?

I teach drawing, actually.

Like it or not, the folk scene

Is here to stay.

Back to you, jack.

>> no, no herb.

Hold on.

-Pstay there a minute, okay?

Does dan know what caused the Leak?

>> what?

>> does dan know wwat caused the Leak?

>> I don't know what caused it, Jack.
I just got here.

>> I know you don't know, herb.

Herb, I know you don't know. Ask him.

Do you know what caused the Leak?

>> hey, don't write my copy, you

Lifeguard.

What leaked?

>> the boilers in the school

Have been a problem for a long

Time, and I'm appalled by how &

The school has -- the school has Been --

>> I got a question for you.

Do you think lucille ball is a

Pinko?

>> I'm sorry.

Did you say lucille ball?

>> herb, e gotta stay on point.

>> name namess

Come on.

>> herb, does dan think school

Officials were aware of the

>> hey, you see the fights last Night?

>> come on, herb.

Herb, wanda asked you a Question.

>> she can go back to her Kitchen.

>> herb, answer her.

>> look, I'm not taking my

Set-ups from a hat check girl.

>> excuse me.

Can we talk about the students,

Please?

They were put in real danger by

Our principal.

That man right over there.

>> that's absolutely not true.

>> and that's the news.

Thank you.

>> herb, turn around and talk to

That principal.

Come on.

>> suck an egg, you mannequin.

All right.

Come here.

>> you suck, herb welch!

>> thank you.

All right.

All right.

Now, now who are you?

>> I'm the principal here.

My name is ken yee.

>> bonzai huh?

Remember me?

>> herb, no.

Come on.

The war is over, herb.

>> what did I do?

>> you blew the story.

That's what you did.

P> maybe you should more patient

With herb.

He may be old -- stop moving.

That just means that his soul is Wise.

>> jack, if shep cramer knew how

You anchor he'd turn over ii his

Grave.

>> no, he wouldn't.

He was cremated.

>> they burned my friend.

>> come on, pull it together,

Buddy.

>> you son of a bitch.

>> cut away from him, please.

Oh, man.

As always we apologize to you in

Communities.

Up next, we'll talk to long

Island he officials.

Thank you.

First, some very sad news.

We've just received word that

Our own herb welch died five

Seconds ago.

1963.

Mr. Welch had been in bad

Health.

We go now to the scene.

Gentlemen, what happenee?

>> the guy staated to cough, and

Then he turned pale and he

Wasn't breathing.

>> unbelievable.

It appears mr. Welch is till

Alive and as unprofessional as Ever.

How is thht possible?

Rocking that ass

>> yeah.

♪e ♪ your mom says hi ♪

♪ jinx ♪

? yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ?

♪ yeah ♪

? yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ?

♪ yeah ♪

? yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah ?

Note

♪ no-no ♪

? yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah ?

? summertime in the city

And everybody's having sex

You know

You know I just got a page ?

? from a girl that

I met last week
At the payless

Shoe store ?

I got a call

Look at how you knock on the Roof

2 to 6 hours we'll meet back

And we'll roll

? roll into my cribbs

With some bartles & jaymes

How about the butts

With the alizay ?

? now hold up player

What you diggity doing In here

I was going to ask you the same

Hey boy I want you boy

I hope that you think that's ? cool

? I know much guys

Won't freak together

She forgot about the golden

Rule ?

? it's okay when it's a

Three-way

It's not gay when it's in ?

A three-way note with a honey

The iddle there's

Some lee-way ?

? the area's gray in a

One two three way

Normally I don't get down with Dudes ?

? but tonight is a special

Exception

Great

See you're my best friend ?

? through thick and thin

Now it's time to make a

Triple connection

Lights off ?

? here in the dark

Here in the dark

It's hard to tell

So harr to tell ?

? where her body ends

La la

And my homey's begins

Ew-wee ?

? this rule dates back

The golden rule

To ancient greece

Talking about cesar ?

? it's two
Jack trippers and a chrissy

The new "three's company" ?

>> you guys are still here?

? it's okay when it's a

Three-way

It's not gay when it's in a

Three-way ?

? with a honey in the miidle

There's some lee-way

The area is gray in a one

Two three way ?

? fellas get ready

Doing it with a chick

Helicopter [ bleep ] ?

? helicopter [ bleep ]

? do it with a chick

Do the helicopter [ bleep ]

And all of that was okaa

Maybe two is enough ?

♪ that's what they'll say ♪

? we'll say hell no ?7o cf1 o

♪ it's a three-way ♪

The golden rule ?

>>> ladies and gentlemen, lady

Gaga.

>>> good evening.

I'm seth meyers, and here are

Tonight's top stories.

>>> sources are saying that a

Former egyptian special forces

Operative has been appointed the

Caretaker of al qaeda in the

Wake of bin laden's death.

He was chosen because of his

Military background, his youth,

And he was the last one to shout

Not it.

>>> president obama and israeli

Prime minister

Benjamin netanyahu met Friday at

The white house one day after

Obama called for israel to

Return to the 1967 borders.

It's hard to know what was said

At the meeting, but I'm betting

On heavy use of the word

Meshuggahna.

>>> despite announcing that he

Would not run for president,

Donald trump insisted Monday

That if he had stayed in the

Race, he would have won the

Primary and the general

Election.

Pretty bold when you consider

The fact he's not even winning

His time slot.

>>> it was revealed Tuesday that

Arnold schwarzenegger fathered a

Child with his house keeper.

That brings us to really with

Seth.

Really, arnold schwarzenegger?

You had an fair with the maid in

Your house?

You know, when powerful people

Have affairs, they usually put a

Little effort into it.

I mean, really.

Secret rendezvous, high-priced

Call girl.

What did you o?

Just sit in your recliner and

Point at your wiener whenever

Someone walked by?

And really, did you really think

It was a good idea for your

Mistress to work in your home

For 14 years after the affair,

Right in front of your wife?

That's so risky.

I'm not even married and I erase

My internet history every four

Hours.

Just in case I die and my mom

Comes over.

Really?

I have to say you have giant

Balls for a guy who definitely

Has tiny steroid balls.

Really?

And then it was revealed on

Wednesday that the child you

Fathered with the housekeeper

Was born days after

Maria shriver gave birth to your

Other son.

Two kids in a week.

So wait, every time I saw you

Smoking a cigar, were you just

Celebrating another baby?

You're like oprah but with

Babies.

"you get a baby, and you get a Baby!

And you get a baby!

Everybody gets a baby!"

Also, I couldn't help but notice

Every one of your movies makes a

Perfect "new york post" headline

For this story.

"junior," "twins," "true lies,"

"predator," "judgment day,"

"collateral damage," and "raw

Deal."

Thank god you passed on the

Action comedy "governor

Horndog."

And you brought the maid on

Vacation with your family.

Really?

Hotels already have maids.

That's like bringing weed tt

Amsterdam.

But really, arnold, this is the

Most important part.

If this baby is the future

Leader of the human resistance

Against our robot overlords, we

Won't forgive you, but it wiil

Help your case, really.

>> this has been "really?

With seth."

>>> it was reported that the

Walt disney company has

Officially bought the trademark

To the name "s.E.A.L. Team 6,"

The name of the unit that killed

Osama bin laden.

So get ready for a very

Disturbing sequel to "up."

>>> the winner of the miss

Madison beauty pageant was

Forced to give up her crown this

Week after she was arrested for

Identity theft.

You know, I'm starting to think

The best way to win a beauty

Pageant is just come in second

And wait.

>>> he ate his 25,000th big mac

And then afterwards he ate a

Piece of broccoli and died.

>>> now it's time for get in the

Kwaj.

Nicolas cage talks about their

Craft and recent work.

Please welcomeeto the cage

Nicolas cage and bradley cooper.

>> thank you so much.

Thank you so much for having me,

Nic.

I am really excited to "get in

The cage."

>> that's very kind of you,

Bradley.

Now, let's begin with a question

About your new movie, "the

Hangover part 2."

>> shoot.

>> in it you play a gentleman

Who has a wild, drunken night in

Bangkok and then must face the

Grim repercussions.

>> that's correct.

>> so my first question is, how

Am I not in that movie?

>> what do you mean?

>> it has the two cllssic

Elements of a nic cage film.

One, I'm told the actorsswere

Given food.

Two, it's basically a shot for

Shot re-creation of my life.

I'm the human hangover.

>> look, nic, I'm sorry that you

Weren't in "the hangover part 2."

Maybe you were too busy.

I mean, you're in every movie.

You're like a dangerous eugeee

Levy.

>>> you seem nice, cooper

Scooper.

Nevertheless you lack the key

Ingredient to become a film

Icon.

Normadic eyebrows.

Like the gladiators of yore this

Went across the crescent moon.

That's my hairlinee and ttat's

The awe das city of hope.

>> I think I'm readd to get out&

Of the cage.

>> that happens.

>> there's onll one way out of

The cage.

A fight to the death.

Two men enter, two men leave.

>> I think it's one man leaves.

>> yeah, math was never my

Strong suit.

Now, in the words oo my fellow

Actor and life coach, mel

Gibson, prepare to die from

Human bites.

>> I'm sorry.

Mel gibson is your life coach?

>> yes.

>> who is your accountant?

>> wessey snipes.

>> just wrap it up.

>> fine by me, seth.

For now it's time to ride on to

My next adventure?

>> what's that.

>> I'm going to kill the ghost

Of osama bin laden.

>> nic cage and bradley cooper

Everybody!

Thank you.

>>> on Tuesday the pillow fight

World cup was held in brooklyn,

New yook.

That's what you want.

People n the kingdom of bedbugs

Shaking their linens out in the

Open.

A nightmare.

>>> a growing trend among

Expectant parents is to have the

Sex of their baby revealed

Through baby cakes which contain

Blue or pink icing inside,

Rather than having a doctor tell Phem.

And what could be more american

Than saying, "yeah, yeah,

Doctor, I'll believe it when I

Hear it from a dessert."

Thank you, though.

>>> a new photo is planking

Keeping a body stiff while

Balancing on top of something,

Or what the protestants call

Sex.

>>> a woman in pennsylvania was

Girl she was baby sithing.

Marijuana-laced margarine?

I can't believe it's pot butter.

>>> tonight is our season

Finale, so I just want to say to

Everyone out there, thank you

For watching and have a

Wonderful summer.

You ready to go stefan?

So where are we going again?

>> well, it's that thing of when

A beach is covered in jellyfish

And a sunburned old man braids

Your hair.

>> can my girlfriend come?

>> no.

>> stefan, I think this is the

Beginning of a beautiful

Nightmare.

>> for "weekend update," I'm

Seth meyers.

>>> and now it's time to play --

>> "what's that name?"

>> and here's your host,

Vince blake.

>> hello, and welcome to "what's

That name celebrity edition."

The rules are the same as

Always.

We show you a person, you tell

Us their name.

Ann our contestants are

Justin timberlake --

>> all right..O cf1 o

How are you doing?

>> very good, very good.

>> and lady gaga.

>> I'm ready to playyand win.

>> all right.

And the first question goes to

Justin.

This funky feline rapped with

"what's that name?"

>> I know that -- that's m.C.

Scat cat.

>> two steps forward, two steps

Back.

You're the man, j.T.

And you just won $10.

Next up, lady gaga.

Though best known for acting in

"the princesssbride," he also

Has written several acclaimed

Off-broadway plays.

>> that is wallace shawn, vince.

>> all right.

$10 to you.

Ready to go again, j.T.?

>> yeah, you know it, vince.

>> you know it, vince.

All right -- this next questton

Is worth $100,000.

And here to read the clue is the

Woman herself.

>> we made love at the w hotel

Two weeks ago.

It was after your premiere.

You told me I was beautiful,

And -- to never give up on my

Photography.

What's my name?

>> hey, girl.

You look good.

>> I know.

That's why you had sex wwth me.

What'' my name?

We had an inside joke about how

My feet were cold.

What's my name?

>> a hot lady like you has got

To have a hot name.

So -- cheyenne.

>> audience, "what's that name?"

>> amy.

>> maybe you would have

Remembered me if I was a rapping

Cat.

Good takedown.

>> okay, look.

What the hell kind of show is

This?

>> it's "what's that name"

Celebrity edition.

Okay.

Lady gaga, you're up next.

>> get ready, gaga.

This game's tough.

>> we've got another walk-on

Clue.

>> sorry, you don't know me.

You know, I saw your monster

Show, and I hung out by the

Stage door.

>> alphonse.

>> how did you remember him?

>> he said he lovvd my music.

You don't forget sooething like That.

The woman next to you in the

Jazzy, that was your sister,

Marie, right?

>> yeah.

Yes, you know, her knees are Lousy.

>> go see my guy at lennox hill.

He's the best.

And tell him to send me the

>> I pray for you in church.

>> and I for you.

>> this show is awful!

>> I think you're awful..O cf1 o

>> look, man, I'm just trying to

Raise money for my charity,

"the hope foundation."

>> oh, and what do they do?

>> well, they -- they --

They raise hope -- for thh --

>> if I may, vince, they promote

Musical education.

>> oh, thanks gaga.

And who are you playing for?

>> I'm playing for the people of

Japan, of course.

>> of course.

Playing for any other cause

Would be a slap in their face.

Justin, you ready to forget the

Next name?

>> kay, all right.

All right, I just want to say

That I meet a lot of people

Every day, and I love my fans,

Okay?

When you spend two minutes with

Someone in passing, it's hard to

Remember their names.

>> oh, that's fair.

Don't worry, j.T.

Our next clue shouldn't be hard.

Bring him out.

>> I was in 'n sync withhyou.

But I'm not lance bass, you, or

Joey fatone.

What's my name?

>> if you can tell me even part

Of his name, I'll give every

Charity on earth $10 million.

>> oh my god.

>> I know you know it, gaga.

But it's j.T.'s turn.

>> come on, what's my name,

J.T.?

>> I know this.

I know this.

I think it's like -- charty.

>> you think his name is charty?

Well, we don't need a buzzer to

Know that's wrong.

But, let's hear one anyway.

Audience, what's that name?

>> chris kirkpatrick!

>> chris kirkpatrick!

>> oh, man.

I knew that.
>> oh, did you?

Then real quick, what's his
We just said it.

>> kirk charty.

>> you are awful.

That's our show.

I'd like to thank you two for

Playing.

>> and I would like to thank the

Entire crew, eddie, mike c,

Donna, and everyonn in the

Audience, matt, anna, molly.

Thank you so much.

>> oh, my gosh, the merriville

Pove tunnel.

>> yeah, wouldn't want to be

On this ride with anyone else.

I mean it.

>> todd.

Oh, look.

Oh, the merriville brothers.

? a lovely time of day

With a heart of gold

And a hand to hold

The merriville way ?

>> oh, my god.

They're so cute.

>> yeah.

Yeah.

And a little creepy, right?

>> oh, I think they're adorable.

>> oh, what was that?

>> sorry, folks.

We have to stop here for a

Second.

There's a skunk on the track

Ahead, and he does not want to

Move.

We're working on it.

>> oh, no, we're stuck.

>> that's not the worst thing

Now, is it?

Damn it.

♪ around the merry-go-round ♪

A lovely time of day

With a heart of gold

And a hand to hold ?

♪ the merriville way ♪

>> why aren't they going down?

>> they're fixing the ride.

>> okay.

Is it me or are they staring at

You?

>> it's you.

>> okay, but this one is trying

To kiss you.

>> no, he's not.

>> yeah, he is.

His lip are pursed.

>> okay, you're right.

He wants to kiss me.

Well, here you go,

Mr. Merriville.

>> okay.

All right.

We got to get off this ride.

>> what's the matter?

>> these robots are flirting

With you.

>> don't be silly.

Come on.

>> oh, boy.

♪ two, one, two ♪

>> they're showing off.

They're hot dogging.

>> don't fall for this.

♪ on their merriville way ♪

>> now they're shooting arrows

At me.

>> it was just a cupid

Reference.

>> I don't like it it.

>> all right, everybody.

Pere's the situation.

We're at an impasse with the

Skunk.

We have to unload people with

The front of the ride.

You two hold tight.

I'll see if I can get you

Vouchers for some free funnel

Cakes.

>> no, no, take us with you!

>> aawhat are you so scared of?

>> I'm not afraid of anything.

>> don't let them touch you.

>> they're harmless.

>> don't let they want put a

Ring on you.

>> it's a gift.

>> you're marrying a robot!

>> what the hell?

I think they're taking me with

Them.

>> what do you mean taking you

With them?

Let go of me.

>> bye, sweetie.

>> bye.

I will -- now what am I supposed

To -- oh, great.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Okay.

Why not?

? that's love the merriville

Way ?

>> and now it's time to play the

Game the stars play, "secret

Word" with your host lyle round.

>> hello, and good day.

I'm lyle round.

We got a great game.

Let's meet our celebrities.

She's better known for her work

Pn the broadway stage.

Please welcome mindy elise

Grayson.

>> thank you.

Thank you.

This is all I do now.

>> terrific, terrific, terrific.

Our next guest is celebrated

Mentalist and hypnotist, the

Mysterious frandel

>> thank you.

Tonight I will bend the laws of

Science.

That spoon just flewwaway on a

Clear wire.

>> or did it?

He's got two spoons.

That's it.

>> I play the spoons in

"kentucky dirty," the story of a

Female jockey that struggled

With her weight.

"the new york times" said, "not

Right now!"

>> looks like our contestants

Are getting bored, so why don't

We begin.

Mindy's team won the toss.

Are you prepared?

>> I'll let the actress inside

Me answer that.

Get into character.

Hell yes, margaret sue!

>> oh, boy.

>> thh secret word is "boott"

>> all right.

Look at me. Focus.
This is hard.

We can do this.

>> five seconds, mindy.

>> I'm listening.
I'm with you.

>> sorry, let me put my reading

Glasses on to check.

Oh, I readdit wrong.

It's boot.

-P>> mindy, you said the secret

Word.

>> I know it.

At first I thought it said

800 t, but it says "boot."

My eyes aren't what they used to

Be, lyle, just like the

Character I played in, "who

Moved my john?"

The story of a blind call girl

Who can't tell if she's being

Paid or not.

Is this $5?

How much did you give me?

Do you need change?

>> sit down, sit down, sit down.

Let's move over to the

Mysterious frandel's team.

Are you ready to receive some

Clues?

>> I think so, lyle.

>> or do you?

Put that away, please.

I can hear the motor, please.

Ten seconds on the clock.

>> the secret word is, "grape."

>> imt you I want you to clear

Your mind.

>> okay.

I'm sending you the word

Telepath thickally.

Ii's grape.

>> you just said the secret

Word.

>> or did I?

Soon you will have no memory of

What happened here.

>> I wish that were true, but

You still said it.

Grape.

>> I ate a grape once backstage

At the opening night party for

Juanita shepherd's "high-kicking

Honey babies."

>> the secret word is cramp.

>> cramp.

>> long story short I ate so

Many grapes I loudly broke wind

Everywhere.

I tried apologizing to the honey

Babies, but they were long gone.

>> mindy, you said the secret

Word.

>> I said it because I saw it

I flubbed my line just like I

Did in the hit flop "kenya karen

At the watubi crew."

Hit it!

? kenya karen

And the watubi crew

Topless all the time ?

>> sit down, sit down, sit down!

No, no.

Okay.

Over to the amazing frandee.

It's your turn.

>> if I'm really here.

Imagine me not here!

>> he's clearly right there.&

We'll be right back after word

From our sponsor.

Thank you.

Oh, please, stop.

-Pstop it.

Please.

>>> once again, lady gaga.

>>> it's the barry gibb talk

Show.

Tonight bbary's guest star --

From msnbc, rachel maddow.

Cnn commentator roland s. Martin.

Chairman of thh federal Reserve --

Ben bernanke.

And, as always --

>> barry's brother robin.

? I don't care what you say

Talking it out

On the barry gibbs talk show

Talking about issues ?

? talking about --

Talking it up

On the barry gibbs talk show

Checking out politics ?

In this crazy, crazy time

Yeah-ah

Yeah-ah-ah ?

>> ladies and gentlemen, your

Host, barry gibbs.

>> good evening, ladies and

Gentlemen.

We've got a great show for you Tonight.

This is my show, and this is a

No-nonsense show.

I will not take any crap from

Anyone.

Now let's get down to brass

Tacks.

The United States is currently

In debt to china to the tune of

Over $1.3 trillion.

Will china become the world's

Only economic superpower?

Robin, do you have any thoughts?

>> no.

No, I don't.

>> chairman bernanke, is it

Possibleefor america to pull

Itself out of this economic

Disaster?

If so, how, how, how, how, how?

>> there's no one answer.

>> well, I'm glad I askeddyou, Then.

>> I'm just saying --

>> don't just say.

Shut your trap.

Miss maddow, I understand -- did

You just take a sip of water?

Don't upstage me on my own show

I can't be trusted at a full

Moon.

I have to be handcuffed to a

Radiator.

I've woke up chest hair caked in

Blood next to a journal filled Sense --

With entries that make no

? caked I blood

Journal that makes no sense

Caked in blood ?

? journals make no sense

I'm barry f-ing gibbs.

I apologize, miss maddow.

Robin, do you have anything to

Add?

>> no.

No, I don't.

>> robin, dear brother, speak to me.

>> no.

>> it's me, it's barry.

>> I know who it is.

>> I'm your brotherr

>> we ere both tiny babies

Together.

We bathed in the sink together?

>> I know.

>> we suckled off the same teet.

? we suckled off

The same teet

We suckled oof

The same teet ?

? one at a time

Suckled off

The same teet ?

>> robin, do ouuhave anything

To add?

>> I'd rather not.

>> let's just introduce the next

Guest.

>> roland s. Martin

>> you haveegot to be kidding me.

Listen to me you white-bearded

Flesh monger.

Do you know who I am.

I am barry --

>> the let me handle this.

Clear.

>> f-ing gibbs!

I survived the rapture.

That is all the time that we

Have.

? we have been

Talking it it up on the barry

Gibbs talk show

? talking about chest hair

Crazy cool medalions

Talking bout ?

? on the barry gibbs

Talk show ?

♪ talking about politics ♪

♪ in this crazy crazy time ♪

? a hip hop

A hippie a hippie

To the hip hip hop

A you don't stop ?

? the rock it

To the bang bang boogie

Say up juuped the boogie

To the rhhthm of the boogie

The beat ?

>>> thanks to lady gaga,

Jimmy fallon, bradley cooper.

Susan sarandon and trisha clark.

Thank you.

That's the season, baby!