Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 36, Episode 3 - Jane Lynch/Bruno Mars - full transcript
America's premiere sketch-comedy show returns for its 36th season LIVE from Studio 8H in New York City. This season, the cast includes Fred Armisen, Abby Elliott, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson, Kristen Wiig, featuring Vanessa Bayer, Paul Brittain, Taran Killam, Nasim Pedrad, and Jay Pharoah. Check out these selected sketches and segments from each of this season's episodes, so you can make every night a Saturday Night.
>>> the following program is
Presented by attorney
Gloria allred and is intended
Solely for self-promotion.
>> "ask gloria allred."
Attorney gloria allred is a true
Legal superstar.
Recognized the world over for
Her near round-the-clock
Television appearances and as a
Tireless champion for society's
Forgotten victims, from
Scott peterson's girlfriend,
Amber frey, to tiger woods's
Mistresses numbers two, five,
Nine and 11.
To the guy in the audience at
The laugh factory the night
Michael richards use the "n"
Word.
Here now is gloria allred.
[ applause ]
>> hello and welcome to this
Edition of "ask gloria allred."
I'm gloria allred.
This week, many of you have
Written or e-mailed to
Congratulate me on my recent
Press conference with
Nikki diaz.
Nikki is the undocumented worker
From mexico who was employed by
Meg whitman, currently the
Republican candidate for
Governor of california, as a
Housekeeper.
While working for the whitmans,
Nikki suffered continuous
Emotional abuse and was forced
To perform a series of
Horrendous and degrading tasks
Venetian blinds.
All under the threat that if she
Did not perform these sickening
Acts, they would not pay her.
It is a heart-wrenching story.
And many of you thanked me for
Bringing it to the nation's
Attention.
But some had questions.
For example, paul from
Indianapolis asks, "as her
Attorney, how could you let
Ms. Diaz announce on television
That she's in the country
Illegally?
Because of your reckless
Attention seeking, won't she be
Arrested and deported?"
That's a good question, paul.
I hadn't really thought
About it.
I'm going to recommend that
Nikki hire a good immigration
Lawyer.
Karen from boston asks, "I saw
Your latest freak show press
Conference with ms. Diaz, and I
Have to ask, is there anything
You won't do to push your
Butt-ugly mug in front of a
Camera?"
Another good question, karen.
I have to think about that, but
I guess my answer would be no.
Steven from new orleans asks,
"why do you talk so loud?
Or does it just seem that way
Because your manner is so
Grating?"
Probably a bit of both, steven.
I'm naturally a very pushy
Person and find that by talking
Loudly, people are forced to
Listen to me even if they would
Prefer not to.
Kevin from ft. Collins,
Colorado, asks, "tell me,
Gloria, has a more disgusting
Creature than yourself ever
Walked the face of the earth?"
Wow!
A lot of good questions tonight.
I don't know the answer, kevin.
I suppose since man in his
Present form has been around for
About 250,000 years, there must
Have been somebody.
But I really can't say for sure.
Denise from nashville asks,
"when you die, gloria, and you
Go instantly to hell, which I
Think we can all agree will
Absolutely happen, will you just
Burn with all the other
Ambulance chasers who spent
Their lives bringing misery into
The world, or will there be a
Special ring or level of hell
Just for you?"
Oh, my.
Denise, that is such a profound
Question.
Who knows?
All I can say is, I sincerely
Hope so.
That would be nice.
Well, that's it for tonight's
Show.
We'll see you next week.
Until then, please pay attention
To me.
And live from new york, it's
Saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live."
With --
Featuring --
Musical guest --
Bruno mars
And your host --
Jane lynch.
Sync by Nícolas
-= InSUBs =-
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jane lynch!
>>> thank you!
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
It's so great to be here hosting
"Saturday night live."
And right off the bat, I just
Want to say that you all look
Taller in person, too.
[ laughter ]
I have had such an exciting
Year.
I'm on an incredible show,
"glee."
[ cheers and applause ]
Now, folks, it's truly an
Ensemble show, and I get to work
With some amazing young people.
But as much as I love "glee," my
One complaint is I don't get to
Sing every week.
So I had the best idea.
That I should sing the theme
Song.
But then I was told that "glee"
Doesn't have a theme song.
So I said why not write one?
And they said no.
And I took that no as a yes.
And I went home, I took out some
Sheet music.
I sharpened some pencils.
I drank a couple of bottles of
Tequila.
I blacked out.
[ laughter ]
And when I came to, I had
Written this song.
Now, long story short, I sang it
For the gang at "glee," and they
Said, that its terrible.
But that's not going to stop me
From singing it tonight.
So joining me on stage is a
Classically trained,
Fred armisen --
Thanks fred.
So here it is.
This is my theme to "glee."
♪
♪ glee ♪
I like that, because it gets the
Title out right away.
♪
♪ glee is a show
About sue sylvester ♪
♪ sue sylvester is
The star of "glee" ♪
♪ now yes, there are a few
Other characters but sue is
The one you want to see ♪
Okay, now I realize that that
Sounds very conceited since I
Play the part of sue sylvester,
But blame my co-writer,
Jose cuervo.
Bridge!
♪ when sue comes
Down the hallway ♪
♪ slushie cup at her side
The faint of heart
Better break way and part ♪
♪ and the weak
Should run and hide ♪
♪ so he should run and hide ♪
♪ we should run and hide ♪
You know what --
Now, singing this song, I
Realize it's a really bad theme
Song for "glee."
Not a good idea, but I'm in the
Middle of it, so I'll keep
Going.
But I do really like this part
Here, fred.
>> where did sue sylvester come
From?
No one knows.
Legend has it she was birthed
From between two storm clouds.
Lightning hit the ground.
And from the billowing smoke
Emerged the female figure
Covered in dirt and wearing a
Red sweat suit.
>> this will all be clay-mation.
>> and the villagers gathered
And asked, are you a god?
And the creature lifted her head
And said, "no, I'm
Sue sylvester."
>> one, two, three!
♪ "glee" is a show
About sue sylvester ♪
♪ sue sylvester is
The star of "glee" ♪
♪ yes, there are some
Other characters ♪
♪ but sue sylvester
Is played by me ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ glee ♪
♪ glee glee glee glee glee glee
Glee glee glee glee glee glee
Glee ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I won't ever sing that song
Again.
Hey, we have a great show.
Bruno mars is here tonight.
Stick around.
We'll be right back.
>>> oh, man.
Looks like you have a new friend
Request.
>> oh, my god, this cannot be
Happening.
>> well, it finally happened.
Your mom is on facebook.
[ laughter ]
Posting things like --
>> October means getting all my
Fall motif sweaters out.
Or maybe I should just leaf them
Up there.
Ha, ha, ha.
>> I am laughing out loud on the
Floor.
>> sure, she likes posting about
Her life, but she loves getting
Into yours.
>> who's your new friend?
She looks ill.
>> now you have to watch
Everything you say.
Unless you get the "damn it, my
Mom is on facebook" filter.
It's the only app that scans
Your facebook page for stuff
About drugs, alcohol, sex,
References to your atheism and
Opinions.
Go ahead and type something that
Your mom would hate.
>> there isn't enough beer in
The world for me to deal with
All of glenn beck's holy roller
B.S.
>> now apply the "damn it, my
Mom is on facebook" filter.
>> boy do I need dungarees.
[ laughter ]
>> I've got a $5 coupon from
Kohl's.
I'll send it to you.
>> see, the "damn it, my mom is
On facebook" filter does what
You do naturally.
It lies to your mom.
>> sweet!
>> even changing your photos to
Make them more mom friendly.
[ laughter ]
The "damn it, my mom is on
Facebook" filter.
For when your mom discovers
Facebook.
>> like.
>> like.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪ glee ♪
>>> all right, all right.
Settle down, guys.
We've got a butt load of singing
To do today, okay.
Regional's are this Friday, and
We still don't have a theme for
Our medley.
[ talking over each other ]
>> no!
>> but mr. Shue.
We gotta have a theme.
[ laughter ]
>> okay, take it down, mercedes.
Now, the way to find the perfect
Theme is to just listen to our
Hearts.
Just like I listen to myself on
A tape that I was singing in the
Car on the way over here.
>> I have the perfect theme.
Of course she does.
What if our theme is "believe"?
>> did you say the theme should
Be beaver?
Because I have a pair of faux
Beaver shorts that are not to
Die four.
They're to die five.
Hey!
>> she said believe, kurt.
Like, "believe me, I'm wearing a
Condom."
You guys know I had a baby,
Right?
[ laughter ]
>> believes a great idea.
>> what does the word mean
Again?
Believe?
>> you guys take actual classes
Here, right?
>> hey, I'm smart.
I'm wearing glasses and that's
The only thing that makes me
Different from all of you.
>> yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we found our theme.
Just like I found my note.
♪
Oh, hello, sue.
Do you mind?
We're practicing for regional's.
>> well, let me know when you're
Done so I can scoop it out of
The litter box.
>> oh, you are shady.
[ laughter ]
>> well, for your information, I
Came down here to do you a
Favor.
Puck is sick and won't be here
To practice, so I found a
Replacement.
A new student.
[ talking over each other ]
>> a new student that sounds
Great.
You know what else sounds great?
♪
God, I wish I was in this glee
Club!
Okay.
Ha, ha, ha.
All right.
Who just hit me with a glee
Slushy?
>> someone you haven't met yet.
Here's your new student.
>> sorry.
♪
♪ her name is gilly ♪
She's at it again ♪
♪ she's always causin' trouble
Like a barnyard hen ♪
♪ she's always causin' trouble
Her hair looks like a bubble ♪
♪ knock, knock
Who's there ♪
♪ it's gilly
Ooh ♪
>> sorry.
>> all right.
All right, kids.
We have to start practicing as
Soon as possible.
Or as I like to say --
♪ asap ♪
>> no!
Enough!
Simon, you are our teacher!
>> you're right.
All right.
Let's just start with some
Scales, shall we?
>> ow, ow, ow!
It's hot glued onto my scalp.
It's burning me!
>> all right.
Okay.
Who hot glued a tambourine onto
Gay kurt's head?
Was it you, mercedes?
♪ and I am telling you
I didn't do it ♪
[ laughter ]
[ applause ]
>> you can just say no.
Was it you, artie?
>> look at me.
You know I couldn't have done
That because of my glasses.
[ laughter ]
>> right.
No, I apologize, artie.
>> mr. Shue, I live to tattle.
It was gilly.
>> gilly, did you hot glue a
Tambourine to gay kurt's head?
Gilly?
>> what?
>> gilly?
>> yes?
>> gilly?
>> sorry.
>> don't worry about me
Ms. Friends, I actually like
This fabulous hat.
I look fierce in it.
>> you're damn right you look
Fierce in it.
You're my gay son and I love
Your hat!
I support you!
I love you, gay son!
[ applause ]
>> love you, too, dad.
Now go away.
>> now, gilly, we don't do that
Here.
We support each other, and we
Sing to music that comes out of
Nowhere.
Now, where did you get a hot
Glue gun?
>> nice work, little orphan
A-hole.
>> okay.
Okay.
Let's just walk through our
Semi-complicated dance moves
That you always learn in one
Second.
And one, two, three.
>> four, five, sucks!
Oh, and by the way, your
Costumes have bedbugs 'cause
Your singing bites.
>> what are we going to do,
Mr. Shue?
Should I get pregnant again?
>> no.
No, no, no.
I'll tell you what we're going
To do.
We're gonna believe.
♪
♪ just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took a midnight train
Going anywhere ♪
♪ just a city boy
Born and raised in
South detroit ♪
♪ he took the midnight
Train going anywhere ♪
♪ don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlights ♪
♪ people-oh
Don't stop ♪
[ explosion ]
>> gilly!
♪ sorry ♪
[ laughter ]
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> welcome to "the new
Boyfriend talk show" starring
Me, zach, and my sidekick, mom.
>> hi, sweetie.
>> hi, mom.
Okay, so my mom dates so many
Awesome guys.
One day I thought, hey, maybe on
Sunday when they wake up, I
Should interview them before
They hit the road.
I asked for permission, and she
Said yes.
>> that's because no matter who
Comes out of mommy's bedroom,
You're still my number one guy.
>> awesome.
So mom, why don't you tell us
About today's guest.
>> sure.
His name is mike something.
And he works as a cd organizer
At borders.
>> okay, very cool.
Please welcome mike!
♪
>> hey, little buddy.
How you doing, man?
>> welcome to "the new boyfriend
Talk show."
>> great to be here.
>> okay.
First question.
I got to ask, it's on
Everybody's mind, are you my new
Daddy?
>> whoa!
I --
You know --
>> I know you can't comment on
That.
I had to ask, okay.
So we have something in common.
We're both huge fans of mom.
>> aww.
>> oh.
Yeah, yeah.
No, she's a cool lady.
>> give me an example.
>> uh, all right.
Well, on the car ride home,
Uh -- she's just a cool lady.
[ laughter ]
>> awesome.
Now, mike.
I'm not sure if you're aware,
But this is a very special day
For us here at the show.
>> oh, yeah?
Why's that, sport?
>> because this is "the new
Boyfriend talk show's" 100th
Episode.
[ applause ]
>> what?
>> wow!
That just creeps up on you,
That 100.
Congrats, zachy.
>> couldn't have done it without
You, mom.
>> 100?
I'm the 100th guest?
>> no, no, this is the 100th
Episode.
There have been about
130 guests, right, mom?
>> oh, honey.
I don't know.
Sometimes I think you remember
These guys better than I do.
>> I'm sure I do.
It's been a great 100 episodes.
So lets take a look back at some
Of our favorite memories from
"the new boyfriend talk show."
♪
♪ give me just a
Little more time ♪
♪ give me just a
Little more time ♪
>> so many memories!
>> was that joaquin phoenix?
>> yeah, that was a weird
Interview.
But it turned out he was
Faking it.
>> yeah, he wasn't the only one.
>> yeah.
Well, we've had a lot of fun,
But we've also dealt with some
Serious issues.
That's why I'd like to take this
Time to give a special shout-out
To all of mom's boyfriends who
Are currently serving overseas.
>> oh, my god!
>> zach, sweetie, I've also got
A surprise for you, honey.
In the four months since we
Started this show --
>> that's all been in four
Months?
>> a few big stars have dropped
By.
Some of them took time out of
Their busy schedules to send in
Messages.
Let's take a look.
>> gene simmons here.
Congrats to everyone at "the new
Boyfriend talk show."
Keep it real.
And keep it moist.
[ laughter ]
>> this is verne troyer saying
"the new boyfriend talk show"
With zach is shagadelic.
>> hey, magic johnson here.
I had a magic time on "the new
Boyfriend talk show."
Zach and that lady are a dream
Team.
Go lakers!
>> yeah.
Magic's a real friend of the
Show.
>> oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
>> so mom, who's our next guest
Today?
>> wait, there's someone else
Today?
>> oh, yeah.
We've also got two bands coming.
And also, I burned the eggs, so
It's cookies for breakfast.
>> yay!
[ applause ]
>>> hi.
I'm christine o'donnell.
And I'm not a witch.
I'm nothing like you've heard.
I'm you.
And just like you, I have to
Constantly deny that I'm a
Witch.
Isn't that what the people of
Delaware deserve?
A candidate who promises first
And foremost that she's not a
Witch?
That's the kind of candidate
Delaware hasn't had since 1692.
And that's why, if elected to
Human senate, I promise to fly
Straight down to washington, on
A plane, and do exactly what you
Would do, not spells.
Besides, if I were a witch, why
Wouldn't I just cast a spell
Making all of you forget that
I'm a witch?
It's certainly not because the
Spell requires one newt per
Person and I lack a sufficient
Number of newts.
[ laughter ]
I know the problems facing our
Nation because I've been living
Among you, since I moved to
Delaware from the black forest
Of germany almost 3,000 years
Ago.
[ laughter ]
So this November 2nd, vote for
Christine o'donnell.
Aka, zaraida the enchantress.
Because I'm not a witch.
And if I am, do you really want
To cross me?
I didn't think so.
>> paid for by the coven to
Elect christine o'donnell, who
Is not a witch.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> you're watching the game
Show network.
At 10:00, it's "verb heards."
But first -- "secret word."
It's time to play the game the
Stars play --
"secret word," with your host,
Lyle round.
>> hello.
Hello!
I'm lyle round.
My wife is in the hospital
Having her baby.
Good luck to you.
[ laughter ]
So why don't we meet our first
Guest.
She's better known for her work
On the broadway stage, please
Welcome mindy greyson!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> here I am.
Isn't it grand?
>> well, thank you for being
Here, mindy.
You are looking ravishing, as
Always.
>> oh, do I?
Well, I sleep with my face in
Mayonnaise.
I guess its working.
>> all right.
Our next guest is a hilarious
Comedienne playing at the
Concord hotel in the catskills.
Please welcome peggy zoeller!
>> hey!
I hope my face doesn't break the
Camera.
What?
Ha!
>> you are a living riot.
Let's start the game.
Mindy, you're up first.
Are you ready?
>> lyle, as the great playwright
Once said to me, "oh, yeah."
>> okay.
Quiet from the audience and ten
Seconds on the clock.
>> the secret word is shrimp.
>> you ready?
Hold my hand.
Look at me.
I'm only going to say this once.
Shrimp.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
>> you just said the secret
Word, mindy.
>> I did, didn't I?
I knew it as soon as I said
"shrimp."
When I see text before me, I
Perform it.
I'm an actress.
This is my craft.
It's what I do.
It's my job to bring words to
Life.
Who is this woman?
Who is this shrimp?
>> okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Sit down.
Let's move over to peggy's team.
>> the secret word is flat.
>> oh, what?
I can relate to that.
Hello!
Nothing down there.
I tell you what.
I went for a breast exam, and
They brought out a floor waxer.
What?
You're a great crowd.
That never happened.
What?
>> time's running out.
>> I went shopping for a bra and
Asked, "do you have anything for
These?"
And the sales girl said, "have
You tried clearasil?"
What?
Because they're like pimples.
Do you get it?
Did he win?
>> no, peggy, you didn't give
Any clues.
>> you're full of bananas, you.
Great crowd!
>> you didn't.
And I am not full of bananas.
Well, no points on the board.
And my eye's starting to twitch.
Let's move back to mindy.
>> yes.
I'm ready to be seen again.
>> the secret word is fringe.
>> remember, do not say the
Secret word this time.
>> you can count on me, lyle.
>> ten seconds on the clock.
>> okay, wait.
Can we just stop the clock?
>> no.
>> I just have one question
About the rules.
>> mindy, we went over this.
>> okay, but, am I allowed to
Just -- am I allowed to say
"fringe"?
[ buzzer ]
>> I really need to win some
Money here.
My children have tuberculosis.
>> oh, I know how that feels.
I had that very same disease in
A play "teebie jeebies" where I
Played a flapper named ginger
Who coughed her way right out of
The chorus and into her grave.
[ laughter ]
>> thanks.
>> my best to the kids.
>> I have tb, too.
Tiny boobs.
Zing!
What?
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
Back to you, peggy.
>> the secret word is cook.
>> oh, this is funny because I'm
A terrible cook.
[ buzzer sounds ]
I asked my husband, what do you
Want me to cook?
And he looks at me with his
Boxer shorts on.
And he says cook?
Cook?
Cook?
You've burned sandwiches.
What?
Now we're cooking.
[ buzzer ]
>> what's happening?
>> peggy, you said the word
"cook," like, 60 times.
>> I played a cook in a little
Musical called "egg drop soup."
It's the story of a little girl
From the orient named chopped
Suzy.
And this is her 11:00 number.
Hit it!
>> no, no, no.
♪ chopped suzy and
The egg roll gang ♪
♪ everywhere we go
It's a shanghai surprise ♪
>> please stop.
>> stop?
That's what the neighbors say
When my husband and I make
Whoopi.
Boy, are we verbal.
I say please and he says no.
You've been a great crowd.
>> oh, brother.
We'll be right back after these
Messages.
>> look at me!
>> don't look at her.
♪
>>> what seems to be the
Problem?
>> I just feel stressed out all
The time.
I don't know what to do.
>> well, lets try something.
Shut your eyes.
Now take a deep breath.
And imagine that you're in the
Middle of a big, peaceful
Meadow, all alone.
A warm breeze floats by,
Carrying the smell of fresh
Flowers.
The sun caresses your face as
You let go of all your fears and
Worries.
And also, I'm there.
[ laughter ]
>> wait.
Why are you there?
>> just relax, william, okay?
It's all part of the process.
Stay with me.
Okay?
>> okay.
>> so you're in the field.
You hear the sound of some birds
Playing in the sunshine.
You breathe in.
And when you exhale, you feel
All your troubles just melt
Away.
And also I'm there dressed as an
Ice cream miss sliding a
Popsicle in and out of your
Mouth.
>> wait.
What is that?
>> it's okay.
All right.
Just -- let's take it a little
Slower, okay?
Now we're back in the field.
You're completely calm.
You let go of all the tension in
Your neck.
You lie back.
And when you look up, there's a
Golf ball on your privates, and
I'm there teeing off with a
5 wood.
>> okay.
Yeah, that's not cool.
>> trust, william, trust, okay?
Stay with me.
And we're in the field.
The cool breezes.
State of relaxation.
Nothing around you for miles.
It smells warm like fresh bread
Coming out of an oven.
On top of that bread we've got
Smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a
Little spicy mustard on top.
And then I guess a
Diet dr. Pepper.
Okay, see you in a little bit.
[ laughter ]
And we're in the field with the
Breeze, the flowers, relaxed,
Deep breath, friendly rabbit, a
Little more popsicle.
>> okay.
What is going on?
Are you even a therapist?
>> all right, william, I'm going
To level with you.
This is a new experimental
Method that I'm developing.
>> okay.
>> and if it doesn't help you,
It's a complete failure, then
I'll waive my fee, okay?
>> fine.
>> good!
Okay.
This time we'll take a slightly
Different approach.
Now you're in a perfect white
Space.
Let all of your stress just
Melts away.
>> okay.
This is nice.
>> an innocent girl approaches
You and offers you a flower.
You warmly accept it.
And then she kicks you in the
Crotch.
And then I walk over, and I kick
You in the crotch.
That's it.
You can open your eyes now.
>> huh.
You know, I think that actually
Worked.
I strangely feel better.
>> and that concludes phase one.
>> no!
>> lets begin phase two.
[ laughter and applause ]
>>> and there you go, ma'am, I
Hope you enjoy it.
>> thank you so much.
>> no problem.
Thank you.
Next.
>> hi.
I just want to return this.
>> okay, ma'am, I should first
Warn you that denzel washington
Is working here today.
>> denzel washington?
Here?
>> yes.
>> seriously?
That is so awesome.
What's he doing here?
>> he's preparing for a role.
I guess it's his process.
>> so he's working here for a
Movie role.
That's amazing.
>> yeah, in his movie I guess
He's supposed to play an
Ordinary retail employee who
Gets this returned suitcase that
Has a secret government
Microchip accidentally left
Inside of it which puts him in a
Web of international intrigue.
>> wow, you know a lot about
This.
>> he told me a about it about a
Dozen times.
>> what's it called, "point of
No returns"?
>> yes, that's what it's called.
[ laughter ]
>> really?
>> okay.
All right.
I found it, huh?
Yeah.
I told you it was there.
Right?
I specifically stated.
>> yes.
Yes, you did.
Thank you, denzel.
>> I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh.
Now, what can I help you with,
Ma'am?
Huh?
>> you know what, denzel?
I think I got this one.
>> no, no, no, no, no.
Got to learn.
Got to learn, right?
Come on, darling, let's see what
You got.
>> okay, well, I wanted to
Return this bag.
>> oh, okay.
All right.
Let's take a look.
Okay.
Oh, look at this here.
This is nice.
It's very nice.
>> yeah, thank you.
>> you bought this?
>> I did.
>> huh?
This handbag right here?
This is yours?
>> yes, it is.
>> okay.
All right.
So let's see here.
So you bought this handbag
For $340.
And now you want your money
Back?
That's what you're saying?
That's what you're telling me,
Right.
>> yes, yes.
>> okay.
$340, that's a lot of money to
Be asking for back.
I mean, I'll give it to you.
Huh?
>> okay.
>> I just want to ask you one
Question.
What's wrong with it?
Huh?
>> what, with the handbag?
>> that's right.
>> um, well, it's the wrong
Color.
>> the wrong color.
She says it's the wrong color.
[ laughter ]
You knew what color it was when
You brought it home.
Did it change color or
Something?
>> no.
>> no, it didn't.
So let me ask you this.
What color is this handbag?
>> you know what?
I can just help this lady.
>> oh, no, you won't!
I asked her a simple question.
What color is this handbag?
>> it's -- it's black.
>> oh, it's black, is it?
That's what you're telling me,
Right?
It's black?
>> yes.
>> and you don't like the color?
>> no, it's just that it
Doesn't --
>> excuse me?
Speak up!
[ laughter ]
You're at macy's.
There are rules and regulations.
If you've got a complaint, I
Want to hear it.
>> it doesn't match my shoes.
>> it doesn't match your shoes,
Huh?
So, you don't have any black
Shoes in your possession?
Not any?
That's what you're telling me?
>> no.
>> huh?
>> I have black shoes, just not
The kind --
>> not the kind what?
What?
Not the right kind?
>> oh, I didn't say that.
>> but you said wrong color,
Didn't you?
So I'm lying?
So you're calling me a liar,
Right?
>> no, no.
>> huh?
>> I didn't call you a liar.
>> it sounded like it to me.
Huh?
Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever in your life call
Me a liar.
>> but I didn't.
I just wanted to return --
>> oh, yes, you did.
>> I want to return the bag,
Okay?
>> well, then you've got to
Answer the questions, darling.
>> I am answering the questions.
I took it home.
I don't like it.
It just happened.
And you're not letting me talk,
You jack wad.
[ slow clap ]
[ laughter ]
>> oh, thank god.
>> hey, I like you.
You're feisty, aren't you?
Yeah, I like that.
Let me go return this bag and
Stop messing with you.
My man.
>> that wasn't too hard, right?
>> of course not.
Okay.
I'm so glad we got that settled.
All right.
Who's next?
Anyone?
>> let me handle it.
>> no, it's okay.
I got it.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ oh, her eyes
Her eyes
Make the stars look like
They're not shining ♪
♪ her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly
Without her trying ♪
♪ she's so beautiful
And I tell her every day ♪
♪ yeah, I know, I know
When I compliment her
She won't believe me ♪
♪ and it's so, it's so
Sad to think she
Don't see what I see ♪
♪ but every time she asks
Me do I look okay
I say ♪
♪ when I see your face
There's not a thing
That I would change ♪
♪ 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ and when you smile
The whole world stops
And stares for awhile ♪
♪ 'cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day
If she'd let me ♪
♪ her laugh, her laugh
She hates but
I think it's so sexy ♪
♪ she's so beautiful
And I tell her every day ♪
♪ oh, you know, you know
You know I'd never ask
You to change ♪
♪ if perfect is what
You're searching for
Then just stay the same ♪
♪ so don't even
Bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say ♪
♪ when I see your face
There's not a thing
That I would change ♪
♪ 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ and when you smile
The whole world stops
And stares for awhile ♪
♪ 'cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ the way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ when I see your face
There's not a thing
That I would change ♪
♪ 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ and when you smile baby
The whole world stops
And stares for awhile ♪
♪ 'cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> "weekend update with
Seth meyers."
>> I'm seth meyers, and here are
Tonight's top stories.
>>> delaware republican senate
Candidate christine o'donnell
Blamed her campaign's recent
Troubles on unfair coverage in
The liberal media.
Yep, the liberal media used two
Of its favorite tricks on her,
Record and play.
[ laughter ]
>>> while speaking at a women's
Conference in washington on
Tuesday, president obama's
Speech was interrupted when the
Presidential seal on his podium
Fell off two years early.
>>> donald trump confirmed
Wednesday that he is seriously
Considering a run for president
In 2012, though I'm not sure
That we're going to solve the
Unemployment crisis with a guy
Whose catchphrase is, "you're
Fired."
[ laughter ]
>>> north carolina state
Representative larry brown
Created a controversy this week
When he sent an e-mail to other
Lawmakers referring to
Homosexuals as queers and
Froot-loops, and the larry brown
Gets caught with a male escort
Countdown begins now.
[ laughter ]
>>> the number one movie in
America is "the social network,"
Which tells the story of
Mark zuckerberg and the founding
Of facebook.
Here to comment on the film is
Facebook founder,
Mark zuckerberg.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hello, seth.
Hi.
>> so mark, you went and saw
"the social network"?
>> what?
No, don't be ridiculous.
I'm 26.
I stole it online.
>> okay, gotcha.
So mark, "the social network"
Has been criticized for some
Inaccuracies.
So let's clear a few things
Up now.
Did you create facebook just to
Meet girls?
>> um, gee, let me think.
Of course I did!
Why does anyone do anything?
I mean, why did you get on tv?
>> touché.
Now, mark, the movie also claims
You had only one friend in
College.
>> that's totally, totally
Inaccurate, seth.
I had three friends.
Because parents count.
>> I guess they do.
>> oh, wait.
Do turtles count?
>> no.
>> okay, yeah, then just the
Three.
>> okay.
So it's not true that you were a
Loser who created facebook to
Have a social life?
>> again, how good was your
Social life before you were
On tv?
>> touché.
>> I invented facebook, seth.
I didn't invent getting
Successful to meet girls.
I guarantee that the first guy
Who invented the wheel did was
Roll it over some ladies.
Hey, girls.
It's called a wheel.
Hop on!
I mean, please.
You think aaron sorkin doesn't
Mention "the west wing" on
Dates?
We're men.
We use what we got.
>> now to be fair, mark, not
Many people are going to feel
Sorry for you.
You're 26 years old, you have
$4 billion.
>> true, true.
But I am responsible with my
Money.
I donated $100 million to the
Newark school system.
>> yeah, well some people
Thought you did that to look
Good after the movie.
>> of course I did that to look
Good after the movie.
What does it matter?
It was $100 million.
That's hover board money.
>> okay.
So should folks at home see the
Movie?
>> yes.
That's my biggest problem with
"the social network."
I may not like what he says, but
It's a really good movie.
Can we talk about casting,
Please?
I mean, shawn parker gets justin
Friggin' timberlake and I get
Jesse isenberg.
Its like, hey, we're making
About steve jobs and bill gates.
Steve, you're going to be played
By brad pitt.
And bill, you're going to be
Played by a cardboard box with
Glasses glued to it.
>> yeah, so do you have any
Regrets at all?
>> yes.
My one regret with facebook is
Poking.
Poking is creepy and lame.
And getting an e-mail saying
That your dad poked you is an
Enormous bummer.
I know that now, and for that, I
Apologize.
>> mark zuckerberg, everybody.
>> friend me!
>> are you my friend, you are my
Friend.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> eliot spitzer's new
Political talk show
Parker/spitzer premiered Monday
To low ratings.
If you're having trouble
Remembering which channel it's
On, just remember client number
Nine.
>>> four states in the nation
Including arizona, tennessee,
Georgia and virginia have
Recently enacted laws that
Explicitly allow people to carry
Loaded guns into bars.
So if you live in one of those
States and are wondering how
You're going to die, you're
Gonna get shot in a bar.
[ laughter ]
>>> a woman from florida is
Claiming that her room at
New york's famed waldorf astoria
Hotel had bedbugs.
Super fancy bedbugs.
[ laughter ]
>>> tulare county in california
Has passed a law barring sex
Offenders from decorating their
Homes and handing out candy to
Children on Halloween.
Kids are a little bummed out
Because you know those guys have
The best candy.
>>> two russian born scientists
Shared the nobel prize in
Physics on Tuesday for
Groundbreaking experiments with
Graphene, the strongest and
Thinnest material known to
Mankind, not counting
Kelly ripa.
[ laughter ]
She's thin and strong.
>>> the u.S. State department
Has extended its travel warning
For citizens traveling in mexico
Due to the escalating drug
Related crime in and around the
Border cities.
Here to talk about it from the
Mexican board of tourism,
Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hola, seth.
>> welcome, welcome.
>> gracias.
So generous to have me on your
Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
>> thank you very much.
Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hola, seth.
>> welcome, welcome.
>> gracias.
So generous to have me on your
Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
>> thank you very much.
>> tonight, I come here to speak
Of mexico and its many
Splendors.
The perfect vacation destination
For young and old alike.
>> so, miguel, that's
Interesting, but how has the
Escalating drug activity near
The borders affected tourism?
>> que?
Did you ask about the beaches?
>> no, I didn't ask about the
Beaches.
I would like to know more about
The drug cartel activity.
>> I apologize.
You speak very fast.
My english is not so very good.
I'm not like jennifer lopez,
Okay?
>> yeah, but you seemed to
Understand me pretty well
Before.
>> yes, I'm like that.
It goes in and out.
>> no, I don't think so, miguel.
>> yeah, I think --
>> no, I don't.
>> I think so.
>> okay, well, I think we agree
To disagree.
See, because tourists are wary
Of traveling in mexico.
I mean, is there anything you'd
Like to say to ease their drug
Cartel fears?
>> you know, when you're
Talking, you're pushing your
Words together.
It sounds like one big word.
I believe you asked me -- I
Think the beaches, right?
>> no.
>> will you do me a favor?
Say one word at a time, leaving
Space in between your words.
>> okay.
>> okay.
>> tourism --
>> yes.
>> okay?
Has --
>> okay, yes.
>> been affected by --
>> that's three words.
[ laughter ]
But yes.
>> been affected by drugs.
[ laughter ]
>> that sounded like beaches.
>> drugs.
Drugs and drug cartels.
>> que?
>> okay.
All right.
What about this story about
Americans on jet skis being
Attacked by mexican pirates?
>> jet skis.
Yes, we have jet skis and zip
Lines.
Come to mexico.
We have beaches, seth.
>> no, not the beaches.
What about the pirates?
>> the parties.
>> no.
>> pirates.
>> the piñatas.
>> no, pirates.
>> palm trees?
>> no.
>> if you're asking me if mexico
Has parties with piñatas, the
Answer is a resounding yes.
But if it's about anything else,
I don't speak english.
>> all right.
>> please come to beautiful
Mexico.
Adios!
>> miguel conjeros, everybody!
>>> this week the "peanuts"
>>> this week the "peanuts"
Comic strip marked its 60th
Anniversary.
The strip follows the adventures
Of a group of neurotic children
Whose parents are all dead who
Are being educated by an unseen
Trombone player.
>>> the Halloween costume
Industry is saying that the
Hottest costume this year is
Lady gaga.
Of course by the time you finish
Putting it on, it will be
November 3rd.
>>> according to a new study,
85% of men said that their
Latest sexual partner had an
Orgasm while only 64% of the
Women surveyed reported having
An orgasm.
I think the takeaway here is
That women are kind of bad at
Noticing their own orgasms.
[ laughter ]
>>> for "weekend update," I'm
Seth meyers!
Good night!
♪
>> announcer: It's "the
Suze orman show."
[ applause ]
>>> welcome to the show, my
Dears and dearies.
[ laughter ]
Halloween is coming up fast,
Ghoul-friends.
And don't be a dum-bum and waste
Money on pricey treats for the
Trick-or-treaters.
Do what I do.
Collect candy throughout the
Year from doctors' offices and
Nursing homes.
[ laughter ]
Put them in a bowl.
And when you see those cute
Little bunions come up your
Driveway, turn off your porch
Light, turn on your sprinklers
And go enjoy that candy yourself
While sitting in an empty hot
Tub.
You're welcome.
Now, I can't wait to tell you
What happened to me on Sunday.
I woke up late and immediately
Went out for a naked jog through
My pumpkin patch.
Four painful bosom shakes into
The run, I realized I was late
For a charity event I was
Hosting.
So I quickly got dressed, ran
Down to the lake, hopped on my
Covered jet ski that turns into
A motorcycle and scooted on down
To the tampax pearl women's
Business expo.
It was a magical evening raising
A lot of money for good ladies
Who have small businesses and
Big periods.
[ laughter ]
But the best part was that I ran
Into a woman who was a real
Blast from my past.
She was my very first roommate.
[ laughter ]
I shared expenses with -- during
College and after that.
She is currently running a
Not-for-profit animal rescue
Which, like many charities right
Now, is struggling.
I asked her to join me today to
See if I could help.
Please welcome roma donk.
[ applause ]
>> hi, suze.
Thanks for having me on your
Show, you big shot.
Look at this big desk and great
Lights and great jacket.
>> it is so good to see you,
Roma.
You look terrific.
And what is that scent you're
Wearing?
>> um, it's shampoo for severely
Damaged hair.
>> oh, I remember.
[ laughter ]
Now, roma, don't hate me, but I
Brought a picture of us when we
Were at amelia earhart community
College when we went to the
Spring dance together.
[ laughter ]
>> oh.
Yeah, gosh those were good
Times, but it was a long time
Ago.
That was just a phase for me,
Suze.
Gotta to try everything once.
>> a phase?
For 12 years?
On a single futon?
>> well, actually, suze, I'm
Married now.
I have a husband.
And I'm straight.
>> have you told that to your
Haircut and your crocs?
>> so back to you giving you
Financial advice, okay?
It's been hard to keep my animal
Rescue going.
>> going like down a river?
A river like denial?
[ laughter ]
>> yeah, well, money's been
Tight, but I have two jobs.
I charter fishing trips for
Women in the military on a boat
That I named "the ss tuna
Schooner."
[ laughter ]
>> still sticking with that
Phase thing, huh?
>> and during the week, I have a
Street cart that sells cat
Collars and wnba bobbleheads.
>> you are digging yourself a
Big one, sister.
"lez" continue.
[ laughter ]
>> suze, I love my husband very
Much, and you can ask anyone on
My softball team.
>> strike three, you're gay.
[ laughter ]
>> suze, I'm here to talk about
My animal rescue.
We focus on saving the lives
Water birds.
>> right.
And the name of it is?
>> indigo gulls.
[ laughter ]
We're currently looking for a
Good home for this female duck.
>> oh, what a doll baby.
And what is her name?
>>meredith quackster birney.
[ laughter ]
Well, this was fun.
I should go.
My husband and I have plans.
Come on.
Let's go, frank.
>> speak for yourself, miss
Girl.
I'm having scones in the green
Room with suze's hairdresser,
And he's teaching me how to
Crunk.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, suze, who am I kidding?
I'm gay and I feel great.
>> well, you look like a million
Dollars.
>> and you look like a vagillion
Dollars.
[ laughter ]
>> there's the roma I remember.
Well it was great having you
Here.
And I will see you at my next
Sports bra fashion week party.
And remember everyone, it's
People first, then money, then
Things, then reconnecting with
Old friends.
Bye-bye.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>>> tonight, the
Philadelphia eagles and the
San francisco 49ers in an east
Coast/west coast battle.
I'm al michaels.
>> and I'm cris collinsworth.
This is "Sunday night football."
>> all right, listen up,
America.
It's Sunday night.
And that means football night
Right here.
So let's hit it.
♪ all right Sunday night
Kicking back ♪
♪ everybody looking at
The quarterback ♪
♪ san francisco
Is the place to be ♪
♪ 'cause it's Sunday night
Football on nbc ♪
>> okay, we are coming to you
Live from beautiful candlestick
Park.
>> the eagles won the coin toss.
It's time for kickoff here on
"Sunday night football."
♪ football, touchdown
Sunday night ♪
♪ the tough get rough
In a primetime fight ♪
♪ al and cris are the
Best on tv ♪
♪ and it's touchdown
Time on nbc ♪
>> got to love that new theme
Song.
>> yep, nothing says football
Like a woman singing on a field.
I guess we're going back.
♪ Sunday night football
Here's the score
Niners coming at you
And they're o-4 ♪
♪ eagles lost a quarterback
Michael vick ♪
♪ he used to fight dogs
But tonight he's sick ♪
[ laughter ]
>> thank you for that
Informative and long theme song.
But moving on --
Oh.
♪ nbc, nfl
Nbc ♪
♪ do you know the eagles
Have a rich history ♪
♪ founded in the '30s
By commissioner bell ♪
♪ and a local businessman
Named ludlow wray ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ salsa olives sour cream dip ♪
♪ spread it on a layer of
Tortilla chips ♪
♪ add some guacamole and some
Melted cheese ♪
♪ your mouth just scored a
Touchdown here on nbc ♪
>> that was a nacho recipe.
[ laughter ]
♪ touchdown
Touchdown
Touchdown time ♪
♪ Sunday night and we're all
Feeling fine ♪
♪ there will be touchdowns
That's a guarantee ♪
♪ because the game already
Started and it's 14-3 ♪
[ laughter ]
>> did she say the game already
Started?
>> what the hell?
♪ 49ers have
56 active players
Here they are
In no particular order ♪
♪ kevin boss, jason hill ♪
♪ and josh morgan ♪
♪ 53 more to go on nbc ♪
>> we'll be right back after
This with more theme song on
"Sunday night football."
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> once again, bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ if I told you I was
Perfect I'd be lying ♪
♪ if there's somethin'
I'm not doin'
Girl I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I know I'm no angel
But I'm not so bad
No, no, no ♪
♪ you should know there's
Beautiful girls
All over the world ♪
♪ I could be chasing
But my time would
Be wasted ♪
♪ they got nothing
On you baby
Nothing on you baby ♪
♪
>> that was then.
This is now.
♪
♪ easy come, easy go
That's just how you live oh
Take, take, take it all
But you never give ♪
♪ should have known
You was trouble
From the first kiss ♪
♪ had your eyes wide open
Why were they open ♪
♪ gave you all I had
And you tossed it
In the trash ♪
♪ you tossed it in
The trash you did ♪
♪ to give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
'cause what you don't
Understand is ♪
♪ I'd catch a grenade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ throw my hand
On a blade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'd jump in front
Of a train for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ you know I'd do
Anything for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I would go through
All this pain
Take a bullet straight
Through my brain ♪
♪ yes, I would die for
Ya baby but you
Won't do the same ♪
♪
♪ black, black
Black and blue
Beat me till I'm numb ♪
♪ tell the devil I said hey
When you get back
To where you're from ♪
♪ mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are yeah
You'll smile in my face then
Rip the brakes out of my car ♪
♪ gave you all I had
And you tossed it
In the trash ♪
♪ you tossed it in
The trash, yes you did ♪
♪ to give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
'cause what you
Don't understand is ♪
♪ I'd catch a grenade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ throw my hand
On a blade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'd jump in front
Of a train for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ you know I'd do
Anything for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I would go through all
This pain
Take a bullet straight
Through my brain ♪
♪ yes, I would die
For ya baby
But you won't do the same ♪
♪ if my body was on fire
You'd watch me
Burn down in flames ♪
♪ you said you loved me
You're a liar 'cause ♪
♪ you never, ever
Ever did baby ♪
♪
♪ but darling I'll still
Catch a grenade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ throw my hand
On a blade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'd jump in front
Of a train for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ you know I'd do
Anything for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I would go through
All this pain
Take a bullet straight
Through my brain ♪
♪ yes, I would die
For ya baby
But you won't
Do the same ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> are you being audited?
Has the irs come to your home or
Place of business?
I'm patrick cox, founder of tax
Masters.
Our professionals will solve
Your tax problems.
Call us today.
We're tax masters.
>> and cut.
Great job, patrick.
You nailed it.
That was really nice.
>> are you sure it was okay?
I mean, you don't want me to
Face the camera more?
>> no, no, no, no, please.
Just stay right where you are.
>> really?
I mean I'm totally in profile.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know what this is about.
[ laughter ]
I do.
I know what this is about.
You guys don't want anyone to
See my little half-formed twin
Brother on the side of my head.
>> patrick, that's not true.
I didn't even notice that.
Did you guys notice anything?
[ in unison ]
>> no!
[ talking over each other ]
>> okay.
Well that's a wrap, guys.
>> no, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Wait.
Hold on now, hold on.
Daniel's a good guy, okay.
Now come on, one more take.
>> fine, fine.
Okay, everybody we're going to
Do one more take for daniel.
>> tax masters, take two.
Oh, god.
>> are you being audited?
Have you not filed tax returns
For years?
Has the irs come to your home or
Place of business?
I'm patrick cox.
And this is my little brother,
Daniel.
Our tax professionals are ready
To help.
Call us today.
We're the tax masters.
>> and cut.
Okay, that was great.
Wasn't that great, guys?
[ in unison ]
>> yeah.
>> you know, I'm so glad he did
That one.
That one felt really good.
What are you guys doing
Afterwards?
You want to get some beers?
>> I can't drink tonight.
I've got a long ride home.
I live out in calabasas.
>> hey!
No kidding.
Well hello neighbor, we should
Get dinner, just the three of us
Sometime.
>> I don't know.
>> hey, wait a second, hold on.
I think daniel -- daniel thinks
We should do another one.
>> roll camera, guys, quickly
Please.
>> tax masters, take three.
>> I appreciate you doing this.
It's really nice of you.
>> no, no, no!
>> are you being audited?
Have you not filed tax returns
For years?
We're taxmasters.
I'm patrick cox.
>> and I'm daniel cox.
Call me today.
I'm not just a pretty face.
>>> and thanks to bruno mars!
It's been a blast!
Good night, everybody!
Thank you so much!
Presented by attorney
Gloria allred and is intended
Solely for self-promotion.
>> "ask gloria allred."
Attorney gloria allred is a true
Legal superstar.
Recognized the world over for
Her near round-the-clock
Television appearances and as a
Tireless champion for society's
Forgotten victims, from
Scott peterson's girlfriend,
Amber frey, to tiger woods's
Mistresses numbers two, five,
Nine and 11.
To the guy in the audience at
The laugh factory the night
Michael richards use the "n"
Word.
Here now is gloria allred.
[ applause ]
>> hello and welcome to this
Edition of "ask gloria allred."
I'm gloria allred.
This week, many of you have
Written or e-mailed to
Congratulate me on my recent
Press conference with
Nikki diaz.
Nikki is the undocumented worker
From mexico who was employed by
Meg whitman, currently the
Republican candidate for
Governor of california, as a
Housekeeper.
While working for the whitmans,
Nikki suffered continuous
Emotional abuse and was forced
To perform a series of
Horrendous and degrading tasks
Venetian blinds.
All under the threat that if she
Did not perform these sickening
Acts, they would not pay her.
It is a heart-wrenching story.
And many of you thanked me for
Bringing it to the nation's
Attention.
But some had questions.
For example, paul from
Indianapolis asks, "as her
Attorney, how could you let
Ms. Diaz announce on television
That she's in the country
Illegally?
Because of your reckless
Attention seeking, won't she be
Arrested and deported?"
That's a good question, paul.
I hadn't really thought
About it.
I'm going to recommend that
Nikki hire a good immigration
Lawyer.
Karen from boston asks, "I saw
Your latest freak show press
Conference with ms. Diaz, and I
Have to ask, is there anything
You won't do to push your
Butt-ugly mug in front of a
Camera?"
Another good question, karen.
I have to think about that, but
I guess my answer would be no.
Steven from new orleans asks,
"why do you talk so loud?
Or does it just seem that way
Because your manner is so
Grating?"
Probably a bit of both, steven.
I'm naturally a very pushy
Person and find that by talking
Loudly, people are forced to
Listen to me even if they would
Prefer not to.
Kevin from ft. Collins,
Colorado, asks, "tell me,
Gloria, has a more disgusting
Creature than yourself ever
Walked the face of the earth?"
Wow!
A lot of good questions tonight.
I don't know the answer, kevin.
I suppose since man in his
Present form has been around for
About 250,000 years, there must
Have been somebody.
But I really can't say for sure.
Denise from nashville asks,
"when you die, gloria, and you
Go instantly to hell, which I
Think we can all agree will
Absolutely happen, will you just
Burn with all the other
Ambulance chasers who spent
Their lives bringing misery into
The world, or will there be a
Special ring or level of hell
Just for you?"
Oh, my.
Denise, that is such a profound
Question.
Who knows?
All I can say is, I sincerely
Hope so.
That would be nice.
Well, that's it for tonight's
Show.
We'll see you next week.
Until then, please pay attention
To me.
And live from new york, it's
Saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live."
With --
Featuring --
Musical guest --
Bruno mars
And your host --
Jane lynch.
Sync by Nícolas
-= InSUBs =-
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jane lynch!
>>> thank you!
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
It's so great to be here hosting
"Saturday night live."
And right off the bat, I just
Want to say that you all look
Taller in person, too.
[ laughter ]
I have had such an exciting
Year.
I'm on an incredible show,
"glee."
[ cheers and applause ]
Now, folks, it's truly an
Ensemble show, and I get to work
With some amazing young people.
But as much as I love "glee," my
One complaint is I don't get to
Sing every week.
So I had the best idea.
That I should sing the theme
Song.
But then I was told that "glee"
Doesn't have a theme song.
So I said why not write one?
And they said no.
And I took that no as a yes.
And I went home, I took out some
Sheet music.
I sharpened some pencils.
I drank a couple of bottles of
Tequila.
I blacked out.
[ laughter ]
And when I came to, I had
Written this song.
Now, long story short, I sang it
For the gang at "glee," and they
Said, that its terrible.
But that's not going to stop me
From singing it tonight.
So joining me on stage is a
Classically trained,
Fred armisen --
Thanks fred.
So here it is.
This is my theme to "glee."
♪
♪ glee ♪
I like that, because it gets the
Title out right away.
♪
♪ glee is a show
About sue sylvester ♪
♪ sue sylvester is
The star of "glee" ♪
♪ now yes, there are a few
Other characters but sue is
The one you want to see ♪
Okay, now I realize that that
Sounds very conceited since I
Play the part of sue sylvester,
But blame my co-writer,
Jose cuervo.
Bridge!
♪ when sue comes
Down the hallway ♪
♪ slushie cup at her side
The faint of heart
Better break way and part ♪
♪ and the weak
Should run and hide ♪
♪ so he should run and hide ♪
♪ we should run and hide ♪
You know what --
Now, singing this song, I
Realize it's a really bad theme
Song for "glee."
Not a good idea, but I'm in the
Middle of it, so I'll keep
Going.
But I do really like this part
Here, fred.
>> where did sue sylvester come
From?
No one knows.
Legend has it she was birthed
From between two storm clouds.
Lightning hit the ground.
And from the billowing smoke
Emerged the female figure
Covered in dirt and wearing a
Red sweat suit.
>> this will all be clay-mation.
>> and the villagers gathered
And asked, are you a god?
And the creature lifted her head
And said, "no, I'm
Sue sylvester."
>> one, two, three!
♪ "glee" is a show
About sue sylvester ♪
♪ sue sylvester is
The star of "glee" ♪
♪ yes, there are some
Other characters ♪
♪ but sue sylvester
Is played by me ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
♪ glee ♪
♪ glee glee glee glee glee glee
Glee glee glee glee glee glee
Glee ♪
♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I won't ever sing that song
Again.
Hey, we have a great show.
Bruno mars is here tonight.
Stick around.
We'll be right back.
>>> oh, man.
Looks like you have a new friend
Request.
>> oh, my god, this cannot be
Happening.
>> well, it finally happened.
Your mom is on facebook.
[ laughter ]
Posting things like --
>> October means getting all my
Fall motif sweaters out.
Or maybe I should just leaf them
Up there.
Ha, ha, ha.
>> I am laughing out loud on the
Floor.
>> sure, she likes posting about
Her life, but she loves getting
Into yours.
>> who's your new friend?
She looks ill.
>> now you have to watch
Everything you say.
Unless you get the "damn it, my
Mom is on facebook" filter.
It's the only app that scans
Your facebook page for stuff
About drugs, alcohol, sex,
References to your atheism and
Opinions.
Go ahead and type something that
Your mom would hate.
>> there isn't enough beer in
The world for me to deal with
All of glenn beck's holy roller
B.S.
>> now apply the "damn it, my
Mom is on facebook" filter.
>> boy do I need dungarees.
[ laughter ]
>> I've got a $5 coupon from
Kohl's.
I'll send it to you.
>> see, the "damn it, my mom is
On facebook" filter does what
You do naturally.
It lies to your mom.
>> sweet!
>> even changing your photos to
Make them more mom friendly.
[ laughter ]
The "damn it, my mom is on
Facebook" filter.
For when your mom discovers
Facebook.
>> like.
>> like.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪ glee ♪
>>> all right, all right.
Settle down, guys.
We've got a butt load of singing
To do today, okay.
Regional's are this Friday, and
We still don't have a theme for
Our medley.
[ talking over each other ]
>> no!
>> but mr. Shue.
We gotta have a theme.
[ laughter ]
>> okay, take it down, mercedes.
Now, the way to find the perfect
Theme is to just listen to our
Hearts.
Just like I listen to myself on
A tape that I was singing in the
Car on the way over here.
>> I have the perfect theme.
Of course she does.
What if our theme is "believe"?
>> did you say the theme should
Be beaver?
Because I have a pair of faux
Beaver shorts that are not to
Die four.
They're to die five.
Hey!
>> she said believe, kurt.
Like, "believe me, I'm wearing a
Condom."
You guys know I had a baby,
Right?
[ laughter ]
>> believes a great idea.
>> what does the word mean
Again?
Believe?
>> you guys take actual classes
Here, right?
>> hey, I'm smart.
I'm wearing glasses and that's
The only thing that makes me
Different from all of you.
>> yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we found our theme.
Just like I found my note.
♪
Oh, hello, sue.
Do you mind?
We're practicing for regional's.
>> well, let me know when you're
Done so I can scoop it out of
The litter box.
>> oh, you are shady.
[ laughter ]
>> well, for your information, I
Came down here to do you a
Favor.
Puck is sick and won't be here
To practice, so I found a
Replacement.
A new student.
[ talking over each other ]
>> a new student that sounds
Great.
You know what else sounds great?
♪
God, I wish I was in this glee
Club!
Okay.
Ha, ha, ha.
All right.
Who just hit me with a glee
Slushy?
>> someone you haven't met yet.
Here's your new student.
>> sorry.
♪
♪ her name is gilly ♪
She's at it again ♪
♪ she's always causin' trouble
Like a barnyard hen ♪
♪ she's always causin' trouble
Her hair looks like a bubble ♪
♪ knock, knock
Who's there ♪
♪ it's gilly
Ooh ♪
>> sorry.
>> all right.
All right, kids.
We have to start practicing as
Soon as possible.
Or as I like to say --
♪ asap ♪
>> no!
Enough!
Simon, you are our teacher!
>> you're right.
All right.
Let's just start with some
Scales, shall we?
>> ow, ow, ow!
It's hot glued onto my scalp.
It's burning me!
>> all right.
Okay.
Who hot glued a tambourine onto
Gay kurt's head?
Was it you, mercedes?
♪ and I am telling you
I didn't do it ♪
[ laughter ]
[ applause ]
>> you can just say no.
Was it you, artie?
>> look at me.
You know I couldn't have done
That because of my glasses.
[ laughter ]
>> right.
No, I apologize, artie.
>> mr. Shue, I live to tattle.
It was gilly.
>> gilly, did you hot glue a
Tambourine to gay kurt's head?
Gilly?
>> what?
>> gilly?
>> yes?
>> gilly?
>> sorry.
>> don't worry about me
Ms. Friends, I actually like
This fabulous hat.
I look fierce in it.
>> you're damn right you look
Fierce in it.
You're my gay son and I love
Your hat!
I support you!
I love you, gay son!
[ applause ]
>> love you, too, dad.
Now go away.
>> now, gilly, we don't do that
Here.
We support each other, and we
Sing to music that comes out of
Nowhere.
Now, where did you get a hot
Glue gun?
>> nice work, little orphan
A-hole.
>> okay.
Okay.
Let's just walk through our
Semi-complicated dance moves
That you always learn in one
Second.
And one, two, three.
>> four, five, sucks!
Oh, and by the way, your
Costumes have bedbugs 'cause
Your singing bites.
>> what are we going to do,
Mr. Shue?
Should I get pregnant again?
>> no.
No, no, no.
I'll tell you what we're going
To do.
We're gonna believe.
♪
♪ just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took a midnight train
Going anywhere ♪
♪ just a city boy
Born and raised in
South detroit ♪
♪ he took the midnight
Train going anywhere ♪
♪ don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlights ♪
♪ people-oh
Don't stop ♪
[ explosion ]
>> gilly!
♪ sorry ♪
[ laughter ]
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> welcome to "the new
Boyfriend talk show" starring
Me, zach, and my sidekick, mom.
>> hi, sweetie.
>> hi, mom.
Okay, so my mom dates so many
Awesome guys.
One day I thought, hey, maybe on
Sunday when they wake up, I
Should interview them before
They hit the road.
I asked for permission, and she
Said yes.
>> that's because no matter who
Comes out of mommy's bedroom,
You're still my number one guy.
>> awesome.
So mom, why don't you tell us
About today's guest.
>> sure.
His name is mike something.
And he works as a cd organizer
At borders.
>> okay, very cool.
Please welcome mike!
♪
>> hey, little buddy.
How you doing, man?
>> welcome to "the new boyfriend
Talk show."
>> great to be here.
>> okay.
First question.
I got to ask, it's on
Everybody's mind, are you my new
Daddy?
>> whoa!
I --
You know --
>> I know you can't comment on
That.
I had to ask, okay.
So we have something in common.
We're both huge fans of mom.
>> aww.
>> oh.
Yeah, yeah.
No, she's a cool lady.
>> give me an example.
>> uh, all right.
Well, on the car ride home,
Uh -- she's just a cool lady.
[ laughter ]
>> awesome.
Now, mike.
I'm not sure if you're aware,
But this is a very special day
For us here at the show.
>> oh, yeah?
Why's that, sport?
>> because this is "the new
Boyfriend talk show's" 100th
Episode.
[ applause ]
>> what?
>> wow!
That just creeps up on you,
That 100.
Congrats, zachy.
>> couldn't have done it without
You, mom.
>> 100?
I'm the 100th guest?
>> no, no, this is the 100th
Episode.
There have been about
130 guests, right, mom?
>> oh, honey.
I don't know.
Sometimes I think you remember
These guys better than I do.
>> I'm sure I do.
It's been a great 100 episodes.
So lets take a look back at some
Of our favorite memories from
"the new boyfriend talk show."
♪
♪ give me just a
Little more time ♪
♪ give me just a
Little more time ♪
>> so many memories!
>> was that joaquin phoenix?
>> yeah, that was a weird
Interview.
But it turned out he was
Faking it.
>> yeah, he wasn't the only one.
>> yeah.
Well, we've had a lot of fun,
But we've also dealt with some
Serious issues.
That's why I'd like to take this
Time to give a special shout-out
To all of mom's boyfriends who
Are currently serving overseas.
>> oh, my god!
>> zach, sweetie, I've also got
A surprise for you, honey.
In the four months since we
Started this show --
>> that's all been in four
Months?
>> a few big stars have dropped
By.
Some of them took time out of
Their busy schedules to send in
Messages.
Let's take a look.
>> gene simmons here.
Congrats to everyone at "the new
Boyfriend talk show."
Keep it real.
And keep it moist.
[ laughter ]
>> this is verne troyer saying
"the new boyfriend talk show"
With zach is shagadelic.
>> hey, magic johnson here.
I had a magic time on "the new
Boyfriend talk show."
Zach and that lady are a dream
Team.
Go lakers!
>> yeah.
Magic's a real friend of the
Show.
>> oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
>> so mom, who's our next guest
Today?
>> wait, there's someone else
Today?
>> oh, yeah.
We've also got two bands coming.
And also, I burned the eggs, so
It's cookies for breakfast.
>> yay!
[ applause ]
>>> hi.
I'm christine o'donnell.
And I'm not a witch.
I'm nothing like you've heard.
I'm you.
And just like you, I have to
Constantly deny that I'm a
Witch.
Isn't that what the people of
Delaware deserve?
A candidate who promises first
And foremost that she's not a
Witch?
That's the kind of candidate
Delaware hasn't had since 1692.
And that's why, if elected to
Human senate, I promise to fly
Straight down to washington, on
A plane, and do exactly what you
Would do, not spells.
Besides, if I were a witch, why
Wouldn't I just cast a spell
Making all of you forget that
I'm a witch?
It's certainly not because the
Spell requires one newt per
Person and I lack a sufficient
Number of newts.
[ laughter ]
I know the problems facing our
Nation because I've been living
Among you, since I moved to
Delaware from the black forest
Of germany almost 3,000 years
Ago.
[ laughter ]
So this November 2nd, vote for
Christine o'donnell.
Aka, zaraida the enchantress.
Because I'm not a witch.
And if I am, do you really want
To cross me?
I didn't think so.
>> paid for by the coven to
Elect christine o'donnell, who
Is not a witch.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> you're watching the game
Show network.
At 10:00, it's "verb heards."
But first -- "secret word."
It's time to play the game the
Stars play --
"secret word," with your host,
Lyle round.
>> hello.
Hello!
I'm lyle round.
My wife is in the hospital
Having her baby.
Good luck to you.
[ laughter ]
So why don't we meet our first
Guest.
She's better known for her work
On the broadway stage, please
Welcome mindy greyson!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> here I am.
Isn't it grand?
>> well, thank you for being
Here, mindy.
You are looking ravishing, as
Always.
>> oh, do I?
Well, I sleep with my face in
Mayonnaise.
I guess its working.
>> all right.
Our next guest is a hilarious
Comedienne playing at the
Concord hotel in the catskills.
Please welcome peggy zoeller!
>> hey!
I hope my face doesn't break the
Camera.
What?
Ha!
>> you are a living riot.
Let's start the game.
Mindy, you're up first.
Are you ready?
>> lyle, as the great playwright
Once said to me, "oh, yeah."
>> okay.
Quiet from the audience and ten
Seconds on the clock.
>> the secret word is shrimp.
>> you ready?
Hold my hand.
Look at me.
I'm only going to say this once.
Shrimp.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
>> you just said the secret
Word, mindy.
>> I did, didn't I?
I knew it as soon as I said
"shrimp."
When I see text before me, I
Perform it.
I'm an actress.
This is my craft.
It's what I do.
It's my job to bring words to
Life.
Who is this woman?
Who is this shrimp?
>> okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Sit down.
Let's move over to peggy's team.
>> the secret word is flat.
>> oh, what?
I can relate to that.
Hello!
Nothing down there.
I tell you what.
I went for a breast exam, and
They brought out a floor waxer.
What?
You're a great crowd.
That never happened.
What?
>> time's running out.
>> I went shopping for a bra and
Asked, "do you have anything for
These?"
And the sales girl said, "have
You tried clearasil?"
What?
Because they're like pimples.
Do you get it?
Did he win?
>> no, peggy, you didn't give
Any clues.
>> you're full of bananas, you.
Great crowd!
>> you didn't.
And I am not full of bananas.
Well, no points on the board.
And my eye's starting to twitch.
Let's move back to mindy.
>> yes.
I'm ready to be seen again.
>> the secret word is fringe.
>> remember, do not say the
Secret word this time.
>> you can count on me, lyle.
>> ten seconds on the clock.
>> okay, wait.
Can we just stop the clock?
>> no.
>> I just have one question
About the rules.
>> mindy, we went over this.
>> okay, but, am I allowed to
Just -- am I allowed to say
"fringe"?
[ buzzer ]
>> I really need to win some
Money here.
My children have tuberculosis.
>> oh, I know how that feels.
I had that very same disease in
A play "teebie jeebies" where I
Played a flapper named ginger
Who coughed her way right out of
The chorus and into her grave.
[ laughter ]
>> thanks.
>> my best to the kids.
>> I have tb, too.
Tiny boobs.
Zing!
What?
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
Back to you, peggy.
>> the secret word is cook.
>> oh, this is funny because I'm
A terrible cook.
[ buzzer sounds ]
I asked my husband, what do you
Want me to cook?
And he looks at me with his
Boxer shorts on.
And he says cook?
Cook?
Cook?
You've burned sandwiches.
What?
Now we're cooking.
[ buzzer ]
>> what's happening?
>> peggy, you said the word
"cook," like, 60 times.
>> I played a cook in a little
Musical called "egg drop soup."
It's the story of a little girl
From the orient named chopped
Suzy.
And this is her 11:00 number.
Hit it!
>> no, no, no.
♪ chopped suzy and
The egg roll gang ♪
♪ everywhere we go
It's a shanghai surprise ♪
>> please stop.
>> stop?
That's what the neighbors say
When my husband and I make
Whoopi.
Boy, are we verbal.
I say please and he says no.
You've been a great crowd.
>> oh, brother.
We'll be right back after these
Messages.
>> look at me!
>> don't look at her.
♪
>>> what seems to be the
Problem?
>> I just feel stressed out all
The time.
I don't know what to do.
>> well, lets try something.
Shut your eyes.
Now take a deep breath.
And imagine that you're in the
Middle of a big, peaceful
Meadow, all alone.
A warm breeze floats by,
Carrying the smell of fresh
Flowers.
The sun caresses your face as
You let go of all your fears and
Worries.
And also, I'm there.
[ laughter ]
>> wait.
Why are you there?
>> just relax, william, okay?
It's all part of the process.
Stay with me.
Okay?
>> okay.
>> so you're in the field.
You hear the sound of some birds
Playing in the sunshine.
You breathe in.
And when you exhale, you feel
All your troubles just melt
Away.
And also I'm there dressed as an
Ice cream miss sliding a
Popsicle in and out of your
Mouth.
>> wait.
What is that?
>> it's okay.
All right.
Just -- let's take it a little
Slower, okay?
Now we're back in the field.
You're completely calm.
You let go of all the tension in
Your neck.
You lie back.
And when you look up, there's a
Golf ball on your privates, and
I'm there teeing off with a
5 wood.
>> okay.
Yeah, that's not cool.
>> trust, william, trust, okay?
Stay with me.
And we're in the field.
The cool breezes.
State of relaxation.
Nothing around you for miles.
It smells warm like fresh bread
Coming out of an oven.
On top of that bread we've got
Smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a
Little spicy mustard on top.
And then I guess a
Diet dr. Pepper.
Okay, see you in a little bit.
[ laughter ]
And we're in the field with the
Breeze, the flowers, relaxed,
Deep breath, friendly rabbit, a
Little more popsicle.
>> okay.
What is going on?
Are you even a therapist?
>> all right, william, I'm going
To level with you.
This is a new experimental
Method that I'm developing.
>> okay.
>> and if it doesn't help you,
It's a complete failure, then
I'll waive my fee, okay?
>> fine.
>> good!
Okay.
This time we'll take a slightly
Different approach.
Now you're in a perfect white
Space.
Let all of your stress just
Melts away.
>> okay.
This is nice.
>> an innocent girl approaches
You and offers you a flower.
You warmly accept it.
And then she kicks you in the
Crotch.
And then I walk over, and I kick
You in the crotch.
That's it.
You can open your eyes now.
>> huh.
You know, I think that actually
Worked.
I strangely feel better.
>> and that concludes phase one.
>> no!
>> lets begin phase two.
[ laughter and applause ]
>>> and there you go, ma'am, I
Hope you enjoy it.
>> thank you so much.
>> no problem.
Thank you.
Next.
>> hi.
I just want to return this.
>> okay, ma'am, I should first
Warn you that denzel washington
Is working here today.
>> denzel washington?
Here?
>> yes.
>> seriously?
That is so awesome.
What's he doing here?
>> he's preparing for a role.
I guess it's his process.
>> so he's working here for a
Movie role.
That's amazing.
>> yeah, in his movie I guess
He's supposed to play an
Ordinary retail employee who
Gets this returned suitcase that
Has a secret government
Microchip accidentally left
Inside of it which puts him in a
Web of international intrigue.
>> wow, you know a lot about
This.
>> he told me a about it about a
Dozen times.
>> what's it called, "point of
No returns"?
>> yes, that's what it's called.
[ laughter ]
>> really?
>> okay.
All right.
I found it, huh?
Yeah.
I told you it was there.
Right?
I specifically stated.
>> yes.
Yes, you did.
Thank you, denzel.
>> I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh.
Now, what can I help you with,
Ma'am?
Huh?
>> you know what, denzel?
I think I got this one.
>> no, no, no, no, no.
Got to learn.
Got to learn, right?
Come on, darling, let's see what
You got.
>> okay, well, I wanted to
Return this bag.
>> oh, okay.
All right.
Let's take a look.
Okay.
Oh, look at this here.
This is nice.
It's very nice.
>> yeah, thank you.
>> you bought this?
>> I did.
>> huh?
This handbag right here?
This is yours?
>> yes, it is.
>> okay.
All right.
So let's see here.
So you bought this handbag
For $340.
And now you want your money
Back?
That's what you're saying?
That's what you're telling me,
Right.
>> yes, yes.
>> okay.
$340, that's a lot of money to
Be asking for back.
I mean, I'll give it to you.
Huh?
>> okay.
>> I just want to ask you one
Question.
What's wrong with it?
Huh?
>> what, with the handbag?
>> that's right.
>> um, well, it's the wrong
Color.
>> the wrong color.
She says it's the wrong color.
[ laughter ]
You knew what color it was when
You brought it home.
Did it change color or
Something?
>> no.
>> no, it didn't.
So let me ask you this.
What color is this handbag?
>> you know what?
I can just help this lady.
>> oh, no, you won't!
I asked her a simple question.
What color is this handbag?
>> it's -- it's black.
>> oh, it's black, is it?
That's what you're telling me,
Right?
It's black?
>> yes.
>> and you don't like the color?
>> no, it's just that it
Doesn't --
>> excuse me?
Speak up!
[ laughter ]
You're at macy's.
There are rules and regulations.
If you've got a complaint, I
Want to hear it.
>> it doesn't match my shoes.
>> it doesn't match your shoes,
Huh?
So, you don't have any black
Shoes in your possession?
Not any?
That's what you're telling me?
>> no.
>> huh?
>> I have black shoes, just not
The kind --
>> not the kind what?
What?
Not the right kind?
>> oh, I didn't say that.
>> but you said wrong color,
Didn't you?
So I'm lying?
So you're calling me a liar,
Right?
>> no, no.
>> huh?
>> I didn't call you a liar.
>> it sounded like it to me.
Huh?
Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever in your life call
Me a liar.
>> but I didn't.
I just wanted to return --
>> oh, yes, you did.
>> I want to return the bag,
Okay?
>> well, then you've got to
Answer the questions, darling.
>> I am answering the questions.
I took it home.
I don't like it.
It just happened.
And you're not letting me talk,
You jack wad.
[ slow clap ]
[ laughter ]
>> oh, thank god.
>> hey, I like you.
You're feisty, aren't you?
Yeah, I like that.
Let me go return this bag and
Stop messing with you.
My man.
>> that wasn't too hard, right?
>> of course not.
Okay.
I'm so glad we got that settled.
All right.
Who's next?
Anyone?
>> let me handle it.
>> no, it's okay.
I got it.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ oh, her eyes
Her eyes
Make the stars look like
They're not shining ♪
♪ her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly
Without her trying ♪
♪ she's so beautiful
And I tell her every day ♪
♪ yeah, I know, I know
When I compliment her
She won't believe me ♪
♪ and it's so, it's so
Sad to think she
Don't see what I see ♪
♪ but every time she asks
Me do I look okay
I say ♪
♪ when I see your face
There's not a thing
That I would change ♪
♪ 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ and when you smile
The whole world stops
And stares for awhile ♪
♪ 'cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day
If she'd let me ♪
♪ her laugh, her laugh
She hates but
I think it's so sexy ♪
♪ she's so beautiful
And I tell her every day ♪
♪ oh, you know, you know
You know I'd never ask
You to change ♪
♪ if perfect is what
You're searching for
Then just stay the same ♪
♪ so don't even
Bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say ♪
♪ when I see your face
There's not a thing
That I would change ♪
♪ 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ and when you smile
The whole world stops
And stares for awhile ♪
♪ 'cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ the way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ when I see your face
There's not a thing
That I would change ♪
♪ 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ and when you smile baby
The whole world stops
And stares for awhile ♪
♪ 'cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
♪ girl you're amazing
Just the way you are ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> "weekend update with
Seth meyers."
>> I'm seth meyers, and here are
Tonight's top stories.
>>> delaware republican senate
Candidate christine o'donnell
Blamed her campaign's recent
Troubles on unfair coverage in
The liberal media.
Yep, the liberal media used two
Of its favorite tricks on her,
Record and play.
[ laughter ]
>>> while speaking at a women's
Conference in washington on
Tuesday, president obama's
Speech was interrupted when the
Presidential seal on his podium
Fell off two years early.
>>> donald trump confirmed
Wednesday that he is seriously
Considering a run for president
In 2012, though I'm not sure
That we're going to solve the
Unemployment crisis with a guy
Whose catchphrase is, "you're
Fired."
[ laughter ]
>>> north carolina state
Representative larry brown
Created a controversy this week
When he sent an e-mail to other
Lawmakers referring to
Homosexuals as queers and
Froot-loops, and the larry brown
Gets caught with a male escort
Countdown begins now.
[ laughter ]
>>> the number one movie in
America is "the social network,"
Which tells the story of
Mark zuckerberg and the founding
Of facebook.
Here to comment on the film is
Facebook founder,
Mark zuckerberg.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hello, seth.
Hi.
>> so mark, you went and saw
"the social network"?
>> what?
No, don't be ridiculous.
I'm 26.
I stole it online.
>> okay, gotcha.
So mark, "the social network"
Has been criticized for some
Inaccuracies.
So let's clear a few things
Up now.
Did you create facebook just to
Meet girls?
>> um, gee, let me think.
Of course I did!
Why does anyone do anything?
I mean, why did you get on tv?
>> touché.
Now, mark, the movie also claims
You had only one friend in
College.
>> that's totally, totally
Inaccurate, seth.
I had three friends.
Because parents count.
>> I guess they do.
>> oh, wait.
Do turtles count?
>> no.
>> okay, yeah, then just the
Three.
>> okay.
So it's not true that you were a
Loser who created facebook to
Have a social life?
>> again, how good was your
Social life before you were
On tv?
>> touché.
>> I invented facebook, seth.
I didn't invent getting
Successful to meet girls.
I guarantee that the first guy
Who invented the wheel did was
Roll it over some ladies.
Hey, girls.
It's called a wheel.
Hop on!
I mean, please.
You think aaron sorkin doesn't
Mention "the west wing" on
Dates?
We're men.
We use what we got.
>> now to be fair, mark, not
Many people are going to feel
Sorry for you.
You're 26 years old, you have
$4 billion.
>> true, true.
But I am responsible with my
Money.
I donated $100 million to the
Newark school system.
>> yeah, well some people
Thought you did that to look
Good after the movie.
>> of course I did that to look
Good after the movie.
What does it matter?
It was $100 million.
That's hover board money.
>> okay.
So should folks at home see the
Movie?
>> yes.
That's my biggest problem with
"the social network."
I may not like what he says, but
It's a really good movie.
Can we talk about casting,
Please?
I mean, shawn parker gets justin
Friggin' timberlake and I get
Jesse isenberg.
Its like, hey, we're making
About steve jobs and bill gates.
Steve, you're going to be played
By brad pitt.
And bill, you're going to be
Played by a cardboard box with
Glasses glued to it.
>> yeah, so do you have any
Regrets at all?
>> yes.
My one regret with facebook is
Poking.
Poking is creepy and lame.
And getting an e-mail saying
That your dad poked you is an
Enormous bummer.
I know that now, and for that, I
Apologize.
>> mark zuckerberg, everybody.
>> friend me!
>> are you my friend, you are my
Friend.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> eliot spitzer's new
Political talk show
Parker/spitzer premiered Monday
To low ratings.
If you're having trouble
Remembering which channel it's
On, just remember client number
Nine.
>>> four states in the nation
Including arizona, tennessee,
Georgia and virginia have
Recently enacted laws that
Explicitly allow people to carry
Loaded guns into bars.
So if you live in one of those
States and are wondering how
You're going to die, you're
Gonna get shot in a bar.
[ laughter ]
>>> a woman from florida is
Claiming that her room at
New york's famed waldorf astoria
Hotel had bedbugs.
Super fancy bedbugs.
[ laughter ]
>>> tulare county in california
Has passed a law barring sex
Offenders from decorating their
Homes and handing out candy to
Children on Halloween.
Kids are a little bummed out
Because you know those guys have
The best candy.
>>> two russian born scientists
Shared the nobel prize in
Physics on Tuesday for
Groundbreaking experiments with
Graphene, the strongest and
Thinnest material known to
Mankind, not counting
Kelly ripa.
[ laughter ]
She's thin and strong.
>>> the u.S. State department
Has extended its travel warning
For citizens traveling in mexico
Due to the escalating drug
Related crime in and around the
Border cities.
Here to talk about it from the
Mexican board of tourism,
Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hola, seth.
>> welcome, welcome.
>> gracias.
So generous to have me on your
Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
>> thank you very much.
Miguel conjeros.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hola, seth.
>> welcome, welcome.
>> gracias.
So generous to have me on your
Show.
I am a big fan of your work.
>> thank you very much.
>> tonight, I come here to speak
Of mexico and its many
Splendors.
The perfect vacation destination
For young and old alike.
>> so, miguel, that's
Interesting, but how has the
Escalating drug activity near
The borders affected tourism?
>> que?
Did you ask about the beaches?
>> no, I didn't ask about the
Beaches.
I would like to know more about
The drug cartel activity.
>> I apologize.
You speak very fast.
My english is not so very good.
I'm not like jennifer lopez,
Okay?
>> yeah, but you seemed to
Understand me pretty well
Before.
>> yes, I'm like that.
It goes in and out.
>> no, I don't think so, miguel.
>> yeah, I think --
>> no, I don't.
>> I think so.
>> okay, well, I think we agree
To disagree.
See, because tourists are wary
Of traveling in mexico.
I mean, is there anything you'd
Like to say to ease their drug
Cartel fears?
>> you know, when you're
Talking, you're pushing your
Words together.
It sounds like one big word.
I believe you asked me -- I
Think the beaches, right?
>> no.
>> will you do me a favor?
Say one word at a time, leaving
Space in between your words.
>> okay.
>> okay.
>> tourism --
>> yes.
>> okay?
Has --
>> okay, yes.
>> been affected by --
>> that's three words.
[ laughter ]
But yes.
>> been affected by drugs.
[ laughter ]
>> that sounded like beaches.
>> drugs.
Drugs and drug cartels.
>> que?
>> okay.
All right.
What about this story about
Americans on jet skis being
Attacked by mexican pirates?
>> jet skis.
Yes, we have jet skis and zip
Lines.
Come to mexico.
We have beaches, seth.
>> no, not the beaches.
What about the pirates?
>> the parties.
>> no.
>> pirates.
>> the piñatas.
>> no, pirates.
>> palm trees?
>> no.
>> if you're asking me if mexico
Has parties with piñatas, the
Answer is a resounding yes.
But if it's about anything else,
I don't speak english.
>> all right.
>> please come to beautiful
Mexico.
Adios!
>> miguel conjeros, everybody!
>>> this week the "peanuts"
>>> this week the "peanuts"
Comic strip marked its 60th
Anniversary.
The strip follows the adventures
Of a group of neurotic children
Whose parents are all dead who
Are being educated by an unseen
Trombone player.
>>> the Halloween costume
Industry is saying that the
Hottest costume this year is
Lady gaga.
Of course by the time you finish
Putting it on, it will be
November 3rd.
>>> according to a new study,
85% of men said that their
Latest sexual partner had an
Orgasm while only 64% of the
Women surveyed reported having
An orgasm.
I think the takeaway here is
That women are kind of bad at
Noticing their own orgasms.
[ laughter ]
>>> for "weekend update," I'm
Seth meyers!
Good night!
♪
>> announcer: It's "the
Suze orman show."
[ applause ]
>>> welcome to the show, my
Dears and dearies.
[ laughter ]
Halloween is coming up fast,
Ghoul-friends.
And don't be a dum-bum and waste
Money on pricey treats for the
Trick-or-treaters.
Do what I do.
Collect candy throughout the
Year from doctors' offices and
Nursing homes.
[ laughter ]
Put them in a bowl.
And when you see those cute
Little bunions come up your
Driveway, turn off your porch
Light, turn on your sprinklers
And go enjoy that candy yourself
While sitting in an empty hot
Tub.
You're welcome.
Now, I can't wait to tell you
What happened to me on Sunday.
I woke up late and immediately
Went out for a naked jog through
My pumpkin patch.
Four painful bosom shakes into
The run, I realized I was late
For a charity event I was
Hosting.
So I quickly got dressed, ran
Down to the lake, hopped on my
Covered jet ski that turns into
A motorcycle and scooted on down
To the tampax pearl women's
Business expo.
It was a magical evening raising
A lot of money for good ladies
Who have small businesses and
Big periods.
[ laughter ]
But the best part was that I ran
Into a woman who was a real
Blast from my past.
She was my very first roommate.
[ laughter ]
I shared expenses with -- during
College and after that.
She is currently running a
Not-for-profit animal rescue
Which, like many charities right
Now, is struggling.
I asked her to join me today to
See if I could help.
Please welcome roma donk.
[ applause ]
>> hi, suze.
Thanks for having me on your
Show, you big shot.
Look at this big desk and great
Lights and great jacket.
>> it is so good to see you,
Roma.
You look terrific.
And what is that scent you're
Wearing?
>> um, it's shampoo for severely
Damaged hair.
>> oh, I remember.
[ laughter ]
Now, roma, don't hate me, but I
Brought a picture of us when we
Were at amelia earhart community
College when we went to the
Spring dance together.
[ laughter ]
>> oh.
Yeah, gosh those were good
Times, but it was a long time
Ago.
That was just a phase for me,
Suze.
Gotta to try everything once.
>> a phase?
For 12 years?
On a single futon?
>> well, actually, suze, I'm
Married now.
I have a husband.
And I'm straight.
>> have you told that to your
Haircut and your crocs?
>> so back to you giving you
Financial advice, okay?
It's been hard to keep my animal
Rescue going.
>> going like down a river?
A river like denial?
[ laughter ]
>> yeah, well, money's been
Tight, but I have two jobs.
I charter fishing trips for
Women in the military on a boat
That I named "the ss tuna
Schooner."
[ laughter ]
>> still sticking with that
Phase thing, huh?
>> and during the week, I have a
Street cart that sells cat
Collars and wnba bobbleheads.
>> you are digging yourself a
Big one, sister.
"lez" continue.
[ laughter ]
>> suze, I love my husband very
Much, and you can ask anyone on
My softball team.
>> strike three, you're gay.
[ laughter ]
>> suze, I'm here to talk about
My animal rescue.
We focus on saving the lives
Water birds.
>> right.
And the name of it is?
>> indigo gulls.
[ laughter ]
We're currently looking for a
Good home for this female duck.
>> oh, what a doll baby.
And what is her name?
>>meredith quackster birney.
[ laughter ]
Well, this was fun.
I should go.
My husband and I have plans.
Come on.
Let's go, frank.
>> speak for yourself, miss
Girl.
I'm having scones in the green
Room with suze's hairdresser,
And he's teaching me how to
Crunk.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, suze, who am I kidding?
I'm gay and I feel great.
>> well, you look like a million
Dollars.
>> and you look like a vagillion
Dollars.
[ laughter ]
>> there's the roma I remember.
Well it was great having you
Here.
And I will see you at my next
Sports bra fashion week party.
And remember everyone, it's
People first, then money, then
Things, then reconnecting with
Old friends.
Bye-bye.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>>> tonight, the
Philadelphia eagles and the
San francisco 49ers in an east
Coast/west coast battle.
I'm al michaels.
>> and I'm cris collinsworth.
This is "Sunday night football."
>> all right, listen up,
America.
It's Sunday night.
And that means football night
Right here.
So let's hit it.
♪ all right Sunday night
Kicking back ♪
♪ everybody looking at
The quarterback ♪
♪ san francisco
Is the place to be ♪
♪ 'cause it's Sunday night
Football on nbc ♪
>> okay, we are coming to you
Live from beautiful candlestick
Park.
>> the eagles won the coin toss.
It's time for kickoff here on
"Sunday night football."
♪ football, touchdown
Sunday night ♪
♪ the tough get rough
In a primetime fight ♪
♪ al and cris are the
Best on tv ♪
♪ and it's touchdown
Time on nbc ♪
>> got to love that new theme
Song.
>> yep, nothing says football
Like a woman singing on a field.
I guess we're going back.
♪ Sunday night football
Here's the score
Niners coming at you
And they're o-4 ♪
♪ eagles lost a quarterback
Michael vick ♪
♪ he used to fight dogs
But tonight he's sick ♪
[ laughter ]
>> thank you for that
Informative and long theme song.
But moving on --
Oh.
♪ nbc, nfl
Nbc ♪
♪ do you know the eagles
Have a rich history ♪
♪ founded in the '30s
By commissioner bell ♪
♪ and a local businessman
Named ludlow wray ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ salsa olives sour cream dip ♪
♪ spread it on a layer of
Tortilla chips ♪
♪ add some guacamole and some
Melted cheese ♪
♪ your mouth just scored a
Touchdown here on nbc ♪
>> that was a nacho recipe.
[ laughter ]
♪ touchdown
Touchdown
Touchdown time ♪
♪ Sunday night and we're all
Feeling fine ♪
♪ there will be touchdowns
That's a guarantee ♪
♪ because the game already
Started and it's 14-3 ♪
[ laughter ]
>> did she say the game already
Started?
>> what the hell?
♪ 49ers have
56 active players
Here they are
In no particular order ♪
♪ kevin boss, jason hill ♪
♪ and josh morgan ♪
♪ 53 more to go on nbc ♪
>> we'll be right back after
This with more theme song on
"Sunday night football."
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> once again, bruno mars.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ if I told you I was
Perfect I'd be lying ♪
♪ if there's somethin'
I'm not doin'
Girl I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I know I'm no angel
But I'm not so bad
No, no, no ♪
♪ you should know there's
Beautiful girls
All over the world ♪
♪ I could be chasing
But my time would
Be wasted ♪
♪ they got nothing
On you baby
Nothing on you baby ♪
♪
>> that was then.
This is now.
♪
♪ easy come, easy go
That's just how you live oh
Take, take, take it all
But you never give ♪
♪ should have known
You was trouble
From the first kiss ♪
♪ had your eyes wide open
Why were they open ♪
♪ gave you all I had
And you tossed it
In the trash ♪
♪ you tossed it in
The trash you did ♪
♪ to give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
'cause what you don't
Understand is ♪
♪ I'd catch a grenade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ throw my hand
On a blade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'd jump in front
Of a train for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ you know I'd do
Anything for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I would go through
All this pain
Take a bullet straight
Through my brain ♪
♪ yes, I would die for
Ya baby but you
Won't do the same ♪
♪
♪ black, black
Black and blue
Beat me till I'm numb ♪
♪ tell the devil I said hey
When you get back
To where you're from ♪
♪ mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are yeah
You'll smile in my face then
Rip the brakes out of my car ♪
♪ gave you all I had
And you tossed it
In the trash ♪
♪ you tossed it in
The trash, yes you did ♪
♪ to give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
'cause what you
Don't understand is ♪
♪ I'd catch a grenade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ throw my hand
On a blade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'd jump in front
Of a train for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ you know I'd do
Anything for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I would go through all
This pain
Take a bullet straight
Through my brain ♪
♪ yes, I would die
For ya baby
But you won't do the same ♪
♪ if my body was on fire
You'd watch me
Burn down in flames ♪
♪ you said you loved me
You're a liar 'cause ♪
♪ you never, ever
Ever did baby ♪
♪
♪ but darling I'll still
Catch a grenade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ throw my hand
On a blade for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'd jump in front
Of a train for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ you know I'd do
Anything for ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I would go through
All this pain
Take a bullet straight
Through my brain ♪
♪ yes, I would die
For ya baby
But you won't
Do the same ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> are you being audited?
Has the irs come to your home or
Place of business?
I'm patrick cox, founder of tax
Masters.
Our professionals will solve
Your tax problems.
Call us today.
We're tax masters.
>> and cut.
Great job, patrick.
You nailed it.
That was really nice.
>> are you sure it was okay?
I mean, you don't want me to
Face the camera more?
>> no, no, no, no, please.
Just stay right where you are.
>> really?
I mean I'm totally in profile.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know what this is about.
[ laughter ]
I do.
I know what this is about.
You guys don't want anyone to
See my little half-formed twin
Brother on the side of my head.
>> patrick, that's not true.
I didn't even notice that.
Did you guys notice anything?
[ in unison ]
>> no!
[ talking over each other ]
>> okay.
Well that's a wrap, guys.
>> no, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Wait.
Hold on now, hold on.
Daniel's a good guy, okay.
Now come on, one more take.
>> fine, fine.
Okay, everybody we're going to
Do one more take for daniel.
>> tax masters, take two.
Oh, god.
>> are you being audited?
Have you not filed tax returns
For years?
Has the irs come to your home or
Place of business?
I'm patrick cox.
And this is my little brother,
Daniel.
Our tax professionals are ready
To help.
Call us today.
We're the tax masters.
>> and cut.
Okay, that was great.
Wasn't that great, guys?
[ in unison ]
>> yeah.
>> you know, I'm so glad he did
That one.
That one felt really good.
What are you guys doing
Afterwards?
You want to get some beers?
>> I can't drink tonight.
I've got a long ride home.
I live out in calabasas.
>> hey!
No kidding.
Well hello neighbor, we should
Get dinner, just the three of us
Sometime.
>> I don't know.
>> hey, wait a second, hold on.
I think daniel -- daniel thinks
We should do another one.
>> roll camera, guys, quickly
Please.
>> tax masters, take three.
>> I appreciate you doing this.
It's really nice of you.
>> no, no, no!
>> are you being audited?
Have you not filed tax returns
For years?
We're taxmasters.
I'm patrick cox.
>> and I'm daniel cox.
Call me today.
I'm not just a pretty face.
>>> and thanks to bruno mars!
It's been a blast!
Good night, everybody!
Thank you so much!