Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 36, Episode 3 - Jane Lynch/Bruno Mars - full transcript

America's premiere sketch-comedy show returns for its 36th season LIVE from Studio 8H in New York City. This season, the cast includes Fred Armisen, Abby Elliott, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson, Kristen Wiig, featuring Vanessa Bayer, Paul Brittain, Taran Killam, Nasim Pedrad, and Jay Pharoah. Check out these selected sketches and segments from each of this season's episodes, so you can make every night a Saturday Night.

>>> the following program is

Presented by attorney

Gloria allred and is intended

Solely for self-promotion.

>> "ask gloria allred."

Attorney gloria allred is a true

Legal superstar.

Recognized the world over for

Her near round-the-clock

Television appearances and as a

Tireless champion for society's

Forgotten victims, from

Scott peterson's girlfriend,

Amber frey, to tiger woods's

Mistresses numbers two, five,

Nine and 11.

To the guy in the audience at

The laugh factory the night

Michael richards use the "n"


Here now is gloria allred.

[ applause ]

>> hello and welcome to this

Edition of "ask gloria allred."

I'm gloria allred.

This week, many of you have

Written or e-mailed to

Congratulate me on my recent

Press conference with

Nikki diaz.

Nikki is the undocumented worker

From mexico who was employed by

Meg whitman, currently the

Republican candidate for

Governor of california, as a


While working for the whitmans,

Nikki suffered continuous

Emotional abuse and was forced

To perform a series of

Horrendous and degrading tasks

Venetian blinds.

All under the threat that if she

Did not perform these sickening

Acts, they would not pay her.

It is a heart-wrenching story.

And many of you thanked me for

Bringing it to the nation's


But some had questions.

For example, paul from

Indianapolis asks, "as her

Attorney, how could you let

Ms. Diaz announce on television

That she's in the country


Because of your reckless

Attention seeking, won't she be

Arrested and deported?"

That's a good question, paul.

I hadn't really thought

About it.

I'm going to recommend that

Nikki hire a good immigration


Karen from boston asks, "I saw

Your latest freak show press

Conference with ms. Diaz, and I

Have to ask, is there anything

You won't do to push your

Butt-ugly mug in front of a


Another good question, karen.

I have to think about that, but

I guess my answer would be no.

Steven from new orleans asks,

"why do you talk so loud?

Or does it just seem that way

Because your manner is so


Probably a bit of both, steven.

I'm naturally a very pushy

Person and find that by talking

Loudly, people are forced to

Listen to me even if they would

Prefer not to.

Kevin from ft. Collins,

Colorado, asks, "tell me,

Gloria, has a more disgusting

Creature than yourself ever

Walked the face of the earth?"


A lot of good questions tonight.

I don't know the answer, kevin.

I suppose since man in his

Present form has been around for

About 250,000 years, there must

Have been somebody.

But I really can't say for sure.

Denise from nashville asks,

"when you die, gloria, and you

Go instantly to hell, which I

Think we can all agree will

Absolutely happen, will you just

Burn with all the other

Ambulance chasers who spent

Their lives bringing misery into

The world, or will there be a

Special ring or level of hell

Just for you?"

Oh, my.

Denise, that is such a profound


Who knows?

All I can say is, I sincerely

Hope so.

That would be nice.

Well, that's it for tonight's


We'll see you next week.

Until then, please pay attention

To me.

And live from new york, it's

Saturday night!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> announcer: It's "Saturday

Night live."

With --

Featuring --

Musical guest --

Bruno mars

And your host --

Jane lynch.

Sync by Nícolas
-= InSUBs =-

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jane lynch!

>>> thank you!

[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you!

Thank you so much!

It's so great to be here hosting

"Saturday night live."

And right off the bat, I just

Want to say that you all look

Taller in person, too.

[ laughter ]

I have had such an exciting


I'm on an incredible show,


[ cheers and applause ]

Now, folks, it's truly an

Ensemble show, and I get to work

With some amazing young people.

But as much as I love "glee," my

One complaint is I don't get to

Sing every week.

So I had the best idea.

That I should sing the theme


But then I was told that "glee"

Doesn't have a theme song.

So I said why not write one?

And they said no.

And I took that no as a yes.

And I went home, I took out some

Sheet music.

I sharpened some pencils.

I drank a couple of bottles of


I blacked out.

[ laughter ]

And when I came to, I had

Written this song.

Now, long story short, I sang it

For the gang at "glee," and they

Said, that its terrible.

But that's not going to stop me

From singing it tonight.

So joining me on stage is a

Classically trained,

Fred armisen --

Thanks fred.

So here it is.

This is my theme to "glee."

♪ glee ♪

I like that, because it gets the

Title out right away.

♪ glee is a show

About sue sylvester ♪

♪ sue sylvester is

The star of "glee" ♪

♪ now yes, there are a few

Other characters but sue is

The one you want to see ♪

Okay, now I realize that that

Sounds very conceited since I

Play the part of sue sylvester,

But blame my co-writer,

Jose cuervo.


♪ when sue comes

Down the hallway ♪

♪ slushie cup at her side

The faint of heart

Better break way and part ♪

♪ and the weak

Should run and hide ♪

♪ so he should run and hide ♪

♪ we should run and hide ♪

You know what --

Now, singing this song, I

Realize it's a really bad theme

Song for "glee."

Not a good idea, but I'm in the

Middle of it, so I'll keep


But I do really like this part

Here, fred.

>> where did sue sylvester come


No one knows.

Legend has it she was birthed

From between two storm clouds.

Lightning hit the ground.

And from the billowing smoke

Emerged the female figure

Covered in dirt and wearing a

Red sweat suit.

>> this will all be clay-mation.

>> and the villagers gathered

And asked, are you a god?

And the creature lifted her head

And said, "no, I'm

Sue sylvester."

>> one, two, three!

♪ "glee" is a show

About sue sylvester ♪

♪ sue sylvester is

The star of "glee" ♪

♪ yes, there are some

Other characters ♪

♪ but sue sylvester

Is played by me ♪

♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪

♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪

♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪

♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪

♪ glee ♪

♪ glee glee glee glee glee glee

Glee glee glee glee glee glee

Glee ♪

♪ I'm sue sylvester ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

>> I won't ever sing that song


Hey, we have a great show.

Bruno mars is here tonight.

Stick around.

We'll be right back.

>>> oh, man.

Looks like you have a new friend


>> oh, my god, this cannot be


>> well, it finally happened.

Your mom is on facebook.

[ laughter ]

Posting things like --

>> October means getting all my

Fall motif sweaters out.

Or maybe I should just leaf them

Up there.

Ha, ha, ha.

>> I am laughing out loud on the


>> sure, she likes posting about

Her life, but she loves getting

Into yours.

>> who's your new friend?

She looks ill.

>> now you have to watch

Everything you say.

Unless you get the "damn it, my

Mom is on facebook" filter.

It's the only app that scans

Your facebook page for stuff

About drugs, alcohol, sex,

References to your atheism and


Go ahead and type something that

Your mom would hate.

>> there isn't enough beer in

The world for me to deal with

All of glenn beck's holy roller


>> now apply the "damn it, my

Mom is on facebook" filter.

>> boy do I need dungarees.

[ laughter ]

>> I've got a $5 coupon from


I'll send it to you.

>> see, the "damn it, my mom is

On facebook" filter does what

You do naturally.

It lies to your mom.

>> sweet!

>> even changing your photos to

Make them more mom friendly.

[ laughter ]

The "damn it, my mom is on

Facebook" filter.

For when your mom discovers


>> like.

>> like.

[ cheers and applause ]

♪ glee ♪

>>> all right, all right.

Settle down, guys.

We've got a butt load of singing

To do today, okay.

Regional's are this Friday, and

We still don't have a theme for

Our medley.

[ talking over each other ]

>> no!

>> but mr. Shue.

We gotta have a theme.

[ laughter ]

>> okay, take it down, mercedes.

Now, the way to find the perfect

Theme is to just listen to our


Just like I listen to myself on

A tape that I was singing in the

Car on the way over here.

>> I have the perfect theme.

Of course she does.

What if our theme is "believe"?

>> did you say the theme should

Be beaver?

Because I have a pair of faux

Beaver shorts that are not to

Die four.

They're to die five.


>> she said believe, kurt.

Like, "believe me, I'm wearing a


You guys know I had a baby,


[ laughter ]

>> believes a great idea.

>> what does the word mean



>> you guys take actual classes

Here, right?

>> hey, I'm smart.

I'm wearing glasses and that's

The only thing that makes me

Different from all of you.

>> yeah.



So we found our theme.

Just like I found my note.

Oh, hello, sue.

Do you mind?

We're practicing for regional's.

>> well, let me know when you're

Done so I can scoop it out of

The litter box.

>> oh, you are shady.

[ laughter ]

>> well, for your information, I

Came down here to do you a


Puck is sick and won't be here

To practice, so I found a


A new student.

[ talking over each other ]

>> a new student that sounds


You know what else sounds great?

God, I wish I was in this glee



Ha, ha, ha.

All right.

Who just hit me with a glee


>> someone you haven't met yet.

Here's your new student.

>> sorry.

♪ her name is gilly ♪

She's at it again ♪

♪ she's always causin' trouble

Like a barnyard hen ♪

♪ she's always causin' trouble

Her hair looks like a bubble ♪

♪ knock, knock

Who's there ♪

♪ it's gilly

Ooh ♪

>> sorry.

>> all right.

All right, kids.

We have to start practicing as

Soon as possible.

Or as I like to say --

♪ asap ♪

>> no!


Simon, you are our teacher!

>> you're right.

All right.

Let's just start with some

Scales, shall we?

>> ow, ow, ow!

It's hot glued onto my scalp.

It's burning me!

>> all right.


Who hot glued a tambourine onto

Gay kurt's head?

Was it you, mercedes?

♪ and I am telling you

I didn't do it ♪

[ laughter ]

[ applause ]

>> you can just say no.

Was it you, artie?

>> look at me.

You know I couldn't have done

That because of my glasses.

[ laughter ]

>> right.

No, I apologize, artie.

>> mr. Shue, I live to tattle.

It was gilly.

>> gilly, did you hot glue a

Tambourine to gay kurt's head?


>> what?

>> gilly?

>> yes?

>> gilly?

>> sorry.

>> don't worry about me

Ms. Friends, I actually like

This fabulous hat.

I look fierce in it.

>> you're damn right you look

Fierce in it.

You're my gay son and I love

Your hat!

I support you!

I love you, gay son!

[ applause ]

>> love you, too, dad.

Now go away.

>> now, gilly, we don't do that


We support each other, and we

Sing to music that comes out of


Now, where did you get a hot

Glue gun?

>> nice work, little orphan


>> okay.


Let's just walk through our

Semi-complicated dance moves

That you always learn in one


And one, two, three.

>> four, five, sucks!

Oh, and by the way, your

Costumes have bedbugs 'cause

Your singing bites.

>> what are we going to do,

Mr. Shue?

Should I get pregnant again?

>> no.

No, no, no.

I'll tell you what we're going

To do.

We're gonna believe.

♪ just a small town girl

Living in a lonely world

She took a midnight train

Going anywhere ♪

♪ just a city boy

Born and raised in

South detroit ♪

♪ he took the midnight

Train going anywhere ♪

♪ don't stop believing

Hold on to that feeling

Streetlights ♪

♪ people-oh

Don't stop ♪

[ explosion ]

>> gilly!

♪ sorry ♪

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> welcome to "the new

Boyfriend talk show" starring

Me, zach, and my sidekick, mom.

>> hi, sweetie.

>> hi, mom.

Okay, so my mom dates so many

Awesome guys.

One day I thought, hey, maybe on

Sunday when they wake up, I

Should interview them before

They hit the road.

I asked for permission, and she

Said yes.

>> that's because no matter who

Comes out of mommy's bedroom,

You're still my number one guy.

>> awesome.

So mom, why don't you tell us

About today's guest.

>> sure.

His name is mike something.

And he works as a cd organizer

At borders.

>> okay, very cool.

Please welcome mike!

>> hey, little buddy.

How you doing, man?

>> welcome to "the new boyfriend

Talk show."

>> great to be here.

>> okay.

First question.

I got to ask, it's on

Everybody's mind, are you my new


>> whoa!

I --

You know --

>> I know you can't comment on


I had to ask, okay.

So we have something in common.

We're both huge fans of mom.

>> aww.

>> oh.

Yeah, yeah.

No, she's a cool lady.

>> give me an example.

>> uh, all right.

Well, on the car ride home,

Uh -- she's just a cool lady.

[ laughter ]

>> awesome.

Now, mike.

I'm not sure if you're aware,

But this is a very special day

For us here at the show.

>> oh, yeah?

Why's that, sport?

>> because this is "the new

Boyfriend talk show's" 100th


[ applause ]

>> what?

>> wow!

That just creeps up on you,

That 100.

Congrats, zachy.

>> couldn't have done it without

You, mom.

>> 100?

I'm the 100th guest?

>> no, no, this is the 100th


There have been about

130 guests, right, mom?

>> oh, honey.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think you remember

These guys better than I do.

>> I'm sure I do.

It's been a great 100 episodes.

So lets take a look back at some

Of our favorite memories from

"the new boyfriend talk show."

♪ give me just a

Little more time ♪

♪ give me just a

Little more time ♪

>> so many memories!

>> was that joaquin phoenix?

>> yeah, that was a weird


But it turned out he was

Faking it.

>> yeah, he wasn't the only one.

>> yeah.

Well, we've had a lot of fun,

But we've also dealt with some

Serious issues.

That's why I'd like to take this

Time to give a special shout-out

To all of mom's boyfriends who

Are currently serving overseas.

>> oh, my god!

>> zach, sweetie, I've also got

A surprise for you, honey.

In the four months since we

Started this show --

>> that's all been in four


>> a few big stars have dropped


Some of them took time out of

Their busy schedules to send in


Let's take a look.

>> gene simmons here.

Congrats to everyone at "the new

Boyfriend talk show."

Keep it real.

And keep it moist.

[ laughter ]

>> this is verne troyer saying

"the new boyfriend talk show"

With zach is shagadelic.

>> hey, magic johnson here.

I had a magic time on "the new

Boyfriend talk show."

Zach and that lady are a dream


Go lakers!

>> yeah.

Magic's a real friend of the


>> oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

>> so mom, who's our next guest


>> wait, there's someone else


>> oh, yeah.

We've also got two bands coming.

And also, I burned the eggs, so

It's cookies for breakfast.

>> yay!

[ applause ]

>>> hi.

I'm christine o'donnell.

And I'm not a witch.

I'm nothing like you've heard.

I'm you.

And just like you, I have to

Constantly deny that I'm a


Isn't that what the people of

Delaware deserve?

A candidate who promises first

And foremost that she's not a


That's the kind of candidate

Delaware hasn't had since 1692.

And that's why, if elected to

Human senate, I promise to fly

Straight down to washington, on

A plane, and do exactly what you

Would do, not spells.

Besides, if I were a witch, why

Wouldn't I just cast a spell

Making all of you forget that

I'm a witch?

It's certainly not because the

Spell requires one newt per

Person and I lack a sufficient

Number of newts.

[ laughter ]

I know the problems facing our

Nation because I've been living

Among you, since I moved to

Delaware from the black forest

Of germany almost 3,000 years


[ laughter ]

So this November 2nd, vote for

Christine o'donnell.

Aka, zaraida the enchantress.

Because I'm not a witch.

And if I am, do you really want

To cross me?

I didn't think so.

>> paid for by the coven to

Elect christine o'donnell, who

Is not a witch.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> you're watching the game

Show network.

At 10:00, it's "verb heards."

But first -- "secret word."

It's time to play the game the

Stars play --

"secret word," with your host,

Lyle round.

>> hello.


I'm lyle round.

My wife is in the hospital

Having her baby.

Good luck to you.

[ laughter ]

So why don't we meet our first


She's better known for her work

On the broadway stage, please

Welcome mindy greyson!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> here I am.

Isn't it grand?

>> well, thank you for being

Here, mindy.

You are looking ravishing, as


>> oh, do I?

Well, I sleep with my face in


I guess its working.

>> all right.

Our next guest is a hilarious

Comedienne playing at the

Concord hotel in the catskills.

Please welcome peggy zoeller!

>> hey!

I hope my face doesn't break the




>> you are a living riot.

Let's start the game.

Mindy, you're up first.

Are you ready?

>> lyle, as the great playwright

Once said to me, "oh, yeah."

>> okay.

Quiet from the audience and ten

Seconds on the clock.

>> the secret word is shrimp.

>> you ready?

Hold my hand.

Look at me.

I'm only going to say this once.


[ buzzer ]

[ laughter ]

>> you just said the secret

Word, mindy.

>> I did, didn't I?

I knew it as soon as I said


When I see text before me, I

Perform it.

I'm an actress.

This is my craft.

It's what I do.

It's my job to bring words to


Who is this woman?

Who is this shrimp?

>> okay.



Sit down.

Let's move over to peggy's team.

>> the secret word is flat.

>> oh, what?

I can relate to that.


Nothing down there.

I tell you what.

I went for a breast exam, and

They brought out a floor waxer.


You're a great crowd.

That never happened.


>> time's running out.

>> I went shopping for a bra and

Asked, "do you have anything for


And the sales girl said, "have

You tried clearasil?"


Because they're like pimples.

Do you get it?

Did he win?

>> no, peggy, you didn't give

Any clues.

>> you're full of bananas, you.

Great crowd!

>> you didn't.

And I am not full of bananas.

Well, no points on the board.

And my eye's starting to twitch.

Let's move back to mindy.

>> yes.

I'm ready to be seen again.

>> the secret word is fringe.

>> remember, do not say the

Secret word this time.

>> you can count on me, lyle.

>> ten seconds on the clock.

>> okay, wait.

Can we just stop the clock?

>> no.

>> I just have one question

About the rules.

>> mindy, we went over this.

>> okay, but, am I allowed to

Just -- am I allowed to say


[ buzzer ]

>> I really need to win some

Money here.

My children have tuberculosis.

>> oh, I know how that feels.

I had that very same disease in

A play "teebie jeebies" where I

Played a flapper named ginger

Who coughed her way right out of

The chorus and into her grave.

[ laughter ]

>> thanks.

>> my best to the kids.

>> I have tb, too.

Tiny boobs.



[ laughter ]

>> all right.

Back to you, peggy.

>> the secret word is cook.

>> oh, this is funny because I'm

A terrible cook.

[ buzzer sounds ]

I asked my husband, what do you

Want me to cook?

And he looks at me with his

Boxer shorts on.

And he says cook?



You've burned sandwiches.


Now we're cooking.

[ buzzer ]

>> what's happening?

>> peggy, you said the word

"cook," like, 60 times.

>> I played a cook in a little

Musical called "egg drop soup."

It's the story of a little girl

From the orient named chopped


And this is her 11:00 number.

Hit it!

>> no, no, no.

♪ chopped suzy and

The egg roll gang ♪

♪ everywhere we go

It's a shanghai surprise ♪

>> please stop.

>> stop?

That's what the neighbors say

When my husband and I make


Boy, are we verbal.

I say please and he says no.

You've been a great crowd.

>> oh, brother.

We'll be right back after these


>> look at me!

>> don't look at her.

>>> what seems to be the


>> I just feel stressed out all

The time.

I don't know what to do.

>> well, lets try something.

Shut your eyes.

Now take a deep breath.

And imagine that you're in the

Middle of a big, peaceful

Meadow, all alone.

A warm breeze floats by,

Carrying the smell of fresh


The sun caresses your face as

You let go of all your fears and


And also, I'm there.

[ laughter ]

>> wait.

Why are you there?

>> just relax, william, okay?

It's all part of the process.

Stay with me.


>> okay.

>> so you're in the field.

You hear the sound of some birds

Playing in the sunshine.

You breathe in.

And when you exhale, you feel

All your troubles just melt


And also I'm there dressed as an

Ice cream miss sliding a

Popsicle in and out of your


>> wait.

What is that?

>> it's okay.

All right.

Just -- let's take it a little

Slower, okay?

Now we're back in the field.

You're completely calm.

You let go of all the tension in

Your neck.

You lie back.

And when you look up, there's a

Golf ball on your privates, and

I'm there teeing off with a

5 wood.

>> okay.

Yeah, that's not cool.

>> trust, william, trust, okay?

Stay with me.

And we're in the field.

The cool breezes.

State of relaxation.

Nothing around you for miles.

It smells warm like fresh bread

Coming out of an oven.

On top of that bread we've got

Smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a

Little spicy mustard on top.

And then I guess a

Diet dr. Pepper.

Okay, see you in a little bit.

[ laughter ]

And we're in the field with the

Breeze, the flowers, relaxed,

Deep breath, friendly rabbit, a

Little more popsicle.

>> okay.

What is going on?

Are you even a therapist?

>> all right, william, I'm going

To level with you.

This is a new experimental

Method that I'm developing.

>> okay.

>> and if it doesn't help you,

It's a complete failure, then

I'll waive my fee, okay?

>> fine.

>> good!


This time we'll take a slightly

Different approach.

Now you're in a perfect white


Let all of your stress just

Melts away.

>> okay.

This is nice.

>> an innocent girl approaches

You and offers you a flower.

You warmly accept it.

And then she kicks you in the


And then I walk over, and I kick

You in the crotch.

That's it.

You can open your eyes now.

>> huh.

You know, I think that actually


I strangely feel better.

>> and that concludes phase one.

>> no!

>> lets begin phase two.

[ laughter and applause ]

>>> and there you go, ma'am, I

Hope you enjoy it.

>> thank you so much.

>> no problem.

Thank you.


>> hi.

I just want to return this.

>> okay, ma'am, I should first

Warn you that denzel washington

Is working here today.

>> denzel washington?


>> yes.

>> seriously?

That is so awesome.

What's he doing here?

>> he's preparing for a role.

I guess it's his process.

>> so he's working here for a

Movie role.

That's amazing.

>> yeah, in his movie I guess

He's supposed to play an

Ordinary retail employee who

Gets this returned suitcase that

Has a secret government

Microchip accidentally left

Inside of it which puts him in a

Web of international intrigue.

>> wow, you know a lot about


>> he told me a about it about a

Dozen times.

>> what's it called, "point of

No returns"?

>> yes, that's what it's called.

[ laughter ]

>> really?

>> okay.

All right.

I found it, huh?


I told you it was there.


I specifically stated.

>> yes.

Yes, you did.

Thank you, denzel.

>> I knew it.

I knew it.


Now, what can I help you with,



>> you know what, denzel?

I think I got this one.

>> no, no, no, no, no.

Got to learn.

Got to learn, right?

Come on, darling, let's see what

You got.

>> okay, well, I wanted to

Return this bag.

>> oh, okay.

All right.

Let's take a look.


Oh, look at this here.

This is nice.

It's very nice.

>> yeah, thank you.

>> you bought this?

>> I did.

>> huh?

This handbag right here?

This is yours?

>> yes, it is.

>> okay.

All right.

So let's see here.

So you bought this handbag

For $340.

And now you want your money


That's what you're saying?

That's what you're telling me,


>> yes, yes.

>> okay.

$340, that's a lot of money to

Be asking for back.

I mean, I'll give it to you.


>> okay.

>> I just want to ask you one


What's wrong with it?


>> what, with the handbag?

>> that's right.

>> um, well, it's the wrong


>> the wrong color.

She says it's the wrong color.

[ laughter ]

You knew what color it was when

You brought it home.

Did it change color or


>> no.

>> no, it didn't.

So let me ask you this.

What color is this handbag?

>> you know what?

I can just help this lady.

>> oh, no, you won't!

I asked her a simple question.

What color is this handbag?

>> it's -- it's black.

>> oh, it's black, is it?

That's what you're telling me,


It's black?

>> yes.

>> and you don't like the color?

>> no, it's just that it

Doesn't --

>> excuse me?

Speak up!

[ laughter ]

You're at macy's.

There are rules and regulations.

If you've got a complaint, I

Want to hear it.

>> it doesn't match my shoes.

>> it doesn't match your shoes,


So, you don't have any black

Shoes in your possession?

Not any?

That's what you're telling me?

>> no.

>> huh?

>> I have black shoes, just not

The kind --

>> not the kind what?


Not the right kind?

>> oh, I didn't say that.

>> but you said wrong color,

Didn't you?

So I'm lying?

So you're calling me a liar,


>> no, no.

>> huh?

>> I didn't call you a liar.

>> it sounded like it to me.


Let me tell you something.

Don't you ever in your life call

Me a liar.

>> but I didn't.

I just wanted to return --

>> oh, yes, you did.

>> I want to return the bag,


>> well, then you've got to

Answer the questions, darling.

>> I am answering the questions.

I took it home.

I don't like it.

It just happened.

And you're not letting me talk,

You jack wad.

[ slow clap ]

[ laughter ]

>> oh, thank god.

>> hey, I like you.

You're feisty, aren't you?

Yeah, I like that.

Let me go return this bag and

Stop messing with you.

My man.

>> that wasn't too hard, right?

>> of course not.


I'm so glad we got that settled.

All right.

Who's next?


>> let me handle it.

>> no, it's okay.

I got it.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> ladies and gentlemen,

Bruno mars.

[ cheers and applause ]

♪ oh, her eyes

Her eyes

Make the stars look like

They're not shining ♪

♪ her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly

Without her trying ♪

♪ she's so beautiful

And I tell her every day ♪

♪ yeah, I know, I know

When I compliment her

She won't believe me ♪

♪ and it's so, it's so

Sad to think she

Don't see what I see ♪

♪ but every time she asks

Me do I look okay

I say ♪

♪ when I see your face

There's not a thing

That I would change ♪

♪ 'cause you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

♪ and when you smile

The whole world stops

And stares for awhile ♪

♪ 'cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

♪ her nails, her nails

I could kiss them all day

If she'd let me ♪

♪ her laugh, her laugh

She hates but

I think it's so sexy ♪

♪ she's so beautiful

And I tell her every day ♪

♪ oh, you know, you know

You know I'd never ask

You to change ♪

♪ if perfect is what

You're searching for

Then just stay the same ♪

♪ so don't even

Bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say ♪

♪ when I see your face

There's not a thing

That I would change ♪

♪ 'cause you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

♪ and when you smile

The whole world stops

And stares for awhile ♪

♪ 'cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

♪ the way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

♪ when I see your face

There's not a thing

That I would change ♪

♪ 'cause you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

♪ and when you smile baby

The whole world stops

And stares for awhile ♪

♪ 'cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

♪ girl you're amazing

Just the way you are ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> "weekend update with

Seth meyers."

>> I'm seth meyers, and here are

Tonight's top stories.

>>> delaware republican senate

Candidate christine o'donnell

Blamed her campaign's recent

Troubles on unfair coverage in

The liberal media.

Yep, the liberal media used two

Of its favorite tricks on her,

Record and play.

[ laughter ]

>>> while speaking at a women's

Conference in washington on

Tuesday, president obama's

Speech was interrupted when the

Presidential seal on his podium

Fell off two years early.

>>> donald trump confirmed

Wednesday that he is seriously

Considering a run for president

In 2012, though I'm not sure

That we're going to solve the

Unemployment crisis with a guy

Whose catchphrase is, "you're


[ laughter ]

>>> north carolina state

Representative larry brown

Created a controversy this week

When he sent an e-mail to other

Lawmakers referring to

Homosexuals as queers and

Froot-loops, and the larry brown

Gets caught with a male escort

Countdown begins now.

[ laughter ]

>>> the number one movie in

America is "the social network,"

Which tells the story of

Mark zuckerberg and the founding

Of facebook.

Here to comment on the film is

Facebook founder,

Mark zuckerberg.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> hello, seth.


>> so mark, you went and saw

"the social network"?

>> what?

No, don't be ridiculous.

I'm 26.

I stole it online.

>> okay, gotcha.

So mark, "the social network"

Has been criticized for some


So let's clear a few things

Up now.

Did you create facebook just to

Meet girls?

>> um, gee, let me think.

Of course I did!

Why does anyone do anything?

I mean, why did you get on tv?

>> touché.

Now, mark, the movie also claims

You had only one friend in


>> that's totally, totally

Inaccurate, seth.

I had three friends.

Because parents count.

>> I guess they do.

>> oh, wait.

Do turtles count?

>> no.

>> okay, yeah, then just the


>> okay.

So it's not true that you were a

Loser who created facebook to

Have a social life?

>> again, how good was your

Social life before you were

On tv?

>> touché.

>> I invented facebook, seth.

I didn't invent getting

Successful to meet girls.

I guarantee that the first guy

Who invented the wheel did was

Roll it over some ladies.

Hey, girls.

It's called a wheel.

Hop on!

I mean, please.

You think aaron sorkin doesn't

Mention "the west wing" on


We're men.

We use what we got.

>> now to be fair, mark, not

Many people are going to feel

Sorry for you.

You're 26 years old, you have

$4 billion.

>> true, true.

But I am responsible with my


I donated $100 million to the

Newark school system.

>> yeah, well some people

Thought you did that to look

Good after the movie.

>> of course I did that to look

Good after the movie.

What does it matter?

It was $100 million.

That's hover board money.

>> okay.

So should folks at home see the


>> yes.

That's my biggest problem with

"the social network."

I may not like what he says, but

It's a really good movie.

Can we talk about casting,


I mean, shawn parker gets justin

Friggin' timberlake and I get

Jesse isenberg.

Its like, hey, we're making

About steve jobs and bill gates.

Steve, you're going to be played

By brad pitt.

And bill, you're going to be

Played by a cardboard box with

Glasses glued to it.

>> yeah, so do you have any

Regrets at all?

>> yes.

My one regret with facebook is


Poking is creepy and lame.

And getting an e-mail saying

That your dad poked you is an

Enormous bummer.

I know that now, and for that, I


>> mark zuckerberg, everybody.

>> friend me!

>> are you my friend, you are my


[ cheers and applause ]

>>> eliot spitzer's new

Political talk show

Parker/spitzer premiered Monday

To low ratings.

If you're having trouble

Remembering which channel it's

On, just remember client number


>>> four states in the nation

Including arizona, tennessee,

Georgia and virginia have

Recently enacted laws that

Explicitly allow people to carry

Loaded guns into bars.

So if you live in one of those

States and are wondering how

You're going to die, you're

Gonna get shot in a bar.

[ laughter ]

>>> a woman from florida is

Claiming that her room at

New york's famed waldorf astoria

Hotel had bedbugs.

Super fancy bedbugs.

[ laughter ]

>>> tulare county in california

Has passed a law barring sex

Offenders from decorating their

Homes and handing out candy to

Children on Halloween.

Kids are a little bummed out

Because you know those guys have

The best candy.

>>> two russian born scientists

Shared the nobel prize in

Physics on Tuesday for

Groundbreaking experiments with

Graphene, the strongest and

Thinnest material known to

Mankind, not counting

Kelly ripa.

[ laughter ]

She's thin and strong.

>>> the u.S. State department

Has extended its travel warning

For citizens traveling in mexico

Due to the escalating drug

Related crime in and around the

Border cities.

Here to talk about it from the

Mexican board of tourism,

Miguel conjeros.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> hola, seth.

>> welcome, welcome.

>> gracias.

So generous to have me on your


I am a big fan of your work.

>> thank you very much.

Miguel conjeros.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> hola, seth.

>> welcome, welcome.

>> gracias.

So generous to have me on your


I am a big fan of your work.

>> thank you very much.

>> tonight, I come here to speak

Of mexico and its many


The perfect vacation destination

For young and old alike.

>> so, miguel, that's

Interesting, but how has the

Escalating drug activity near

The borders affected tourism?

>> que?

Did you ask about the beaches?

>> no, I didn't ask about the


I would like to know more about

The drug cartel activity.

>> I apologize.

You speak very fast.

My english is not so very good.

I'm not like jennifer lopez,


>> yeah, but you seemed to

Understand me pretty well


>> yes, I'm like that.

It goes in and out.

>> no, I don't think so, miguel.

>> yeah, I think --

>> no, I don't.

>> I think so.

>> okay, well, I think we agree

To disagree.

See, because tourists are wary

Of traveling in mexico.

I mean, is there anything you'd

Like to say to ease their drug

Cartel fears?

>> you know, when you're

Talking, you're pushing your

Words together.

It sounds like one big word.

I believe you asked me -- I

Think the beaches, right?

>> no.

>> will you do me a favor?

Say one word at a time, leaving

Space in between your words.

>> okay.

>> okay.

>> tourism --

>> yes.

>> okay?

Has --

>> okay, yes.

>> been affected by --

>> that's three words.

[ laughter ]

But yes.

>> been affected by drugs.

[ laughter ]

>> that sounded like beaches.

>> drugs.

Drugs and drug cartels.

>> que?

>> okay.

All right.

What about this story about

Americans on jet skis being

Attacked by mexican pirates?

>> jet skis.

Yes, we have jet skis and zip


Come to mexico.

We have beaches, seth.

>> no, not the beaches.

What about the pirates?

>> the parties.

>> no.

>> pirates.

>> the piñatas.

>> no, pirates.

>> palm trees?

>> no.

>> if you're asking me if mexico

Has parties with piñatas, the

Answer is a resounding yes.

But if it's about anything else,

I don't speak english.

>> all right.

>> please come to beautiful



>> miguel conjeros, everybody!

>>> this week the "peanuts"

>>> this week the "peanuts"

Comic strip marked its 60th


The strip follows the adventures

Of a group of neurotic children

Whose parents are all dead who

Are being educated by an unseen

Trombone player.

>>> the Halloween costume

Industry is saying that the

Hottest costume this year is

Lady gaga.

Of course by the time you finish

Putting it on, it will be

November 3rd.

>>> according to a new study,

85% of men said that their

Latest sexual partner had an

Orgasm while only 64% of the

Women surveyed reported having

An orgasm.

I think the takeaway here is

That women are kind of bad at

Noticing their own orgasms.

[ laughter ]

>>> for "weekend update," I'm

Seth meyers!

Good night!

>> announcer: It's "the

Suze orman show."

[ applause ]

>>> welcome to the show, my

Dears and dearies.

[ laughter ]

Halloween is coming up fast,


And don't be a dum-bum and waste

Money on pricey treats for the


Do what I do.

Collect candy throughout the

Year from doctors' offices and

Nursing homes.

[ laughter ]

Put them in a bowl.

And when you see those cute

Little bunions come up your

Driveway, turn off your porch

Light, turn on your sprinklers

And go enjoy that candy yourself

While sitting in an empty hot


You're welcome.

Now, I can't wait to tell you

What happened to me on Sunday.

I woke up late and immediately

Went out for a naked jog through

My pumpkin patch.

Four painful bosom shakes into

The run, I realized I was late

For a charity event I was


So I quickly got dressed, ran

Down to the lake, hopped on my

Covered jet ski that turns into

A motorcycle and scooted on down

To the tampax pearl women's

Business expo.

It was a magical evening raising

A lot of money for good ladies

Who have small businesses and

Big periods.

[ laughter ]

But the best part was that I ran

Into a woman who was a real

Blast from my past.

She was my very first roommate.

[ laughter ]

I shared expenses with -- during

College and after that.

She is currently running a

Not-for-profit animal rescue

Which, like many charities right

Now, is struggling.

I asked her to join me today to

See if I could help.

Please welcome roma donk.

[ applause ]

>> hi, suze.

Thanks for having me on your

Show, you big shot.

Look at this big desk and great

Lights and great jacket.

>> it is so good to see you,


You look terrific.

And what is that scent you're


>> um, it's shampoo for severely

Damaged hair.

>> oh, I remember.

[ laughter ]

Now, roma, don't hate me, but I

Brought a picture of us when we

Were at amelia earhart community

College when we went to the

Spring dance together.

[ laughter ]

>> oh.

Yeah, gosh those were good

Times, but it was a long time


That was just a phase for me,


Gotta to try everything once.

>> a phase?

For 12 years?

On a single futon?

>> well, actually, suze, I'm

Married now.

I have a husband.

And I'm straight.

>> have you told that to your

Haircut and your crocs?

>> so back to you giving you

Financial advice, okay?

It's been hard to keep my animal

Rescue going.

>> going like down a river?

A river like denial?

[ laughter ]

>> yeah, well, money's been

Tight, but I have two jobs.

I charter fishing trips for

Women in the military on a boat

That I named "the ss tuna


[ laughter ]

>> still sticking with that

Phase thing, huh?

>> and during the week, I have a

Street cart that sells cat

Collars and wnba bobbleheads.

>> you are digging yourself a

Big one, sister.

"lez" continue.

[ laughter ]

>> suze, I love my husband very

Much, and you can ask anyone on

My softball team.

>> strike three, you're gay.

[ laughter ]

>> suze, I'm here to talk about

My animal rescue.

We focus on saving the lives

Water birds.

>> right.

And the name of it is?

>> indigo gulls.

[ laughter ]

We're currently looking for a

Good home for this female duck.

>> oh, what a doll baby.

And what is her name?

>>meredith quackster birney.

[ laughter ]

Well, this was fun.

I should go.

My husband and I have plans.

Come on.

Let's go, frank.

>> speak for yourself, miss


I'm having scones in the green

Room with suze's hairdresser,

And he's teaching me how to


[ laughter ]

>> oh, suze, who am I kidding?

I'm gay and I feel great.

>> well, you look like a million


>> and you look like a vagillion


[ laughter ]

>> there's the roma I remember.

Well it was great having you


And I will see you at my next

Sports bra fashion week party.

And remember everyone, it's

People first, then money, then

Things, then reconnecting with

Old friends.


[ cheers and applause ]

>>> tonight, the

Philadelphia eagles and the

San francisco 49ers in an east

Coast/west coast battle.

I'm al michaels.

>> and I'm cris collinsworth.

This is "Sunday night football."

>> all right, listen up,


It's Sunday night.

And that means football night

Right here.

So let's hit it.

♪ all right Sunday night

Kicking back ♪

♪ everybody looking at

The quarterback ♪

♪ san francisco

Is the place to be ♪

♪ 'cause it's Sunday night

Football on nbc ♪

>> okay, we are coming to you

Live from beautiful candlestick


>> the eagles won the coin toss.

It's time for kickoff here on

"Sunday night football."

♪ football, touchdown

Sunday night ♪

♪ the tough get rough

In a primetime fight ♪

♪ al and cris are the

Best on tv ♪

♪ and it's touchdown

Time on nbc ♪

>> got to love that new theme


>> yep, nothing says football

Like a woman singing on a field.

I guess we're going back.

♪ Sunday night football

Here's the score

Niners coming at you

And they're o-4 ♪

♪ eagles lost a quarterback

Michael vick ♪

♪ he used to fight dogs

But tonight he's sick ♪

[ laughter ]

>> thank you for that

Informative and long theme song.

But moving on --


♪ nbc, nfl

Nbc ♪

♪ do you know the eagles

Have a rich history ♪

♪ founded in the '30s

By commissioner bell ♪

♪ and a local businessman

Named ludlow wray ♪

[ laughter ]

♪ salsa olives sour cream dip ♪

♪ spread it on a layer of

Tortilla chips ♪

♪ add some guacamole and some

Melted cheese ♪

♪ your mouth just scored a

Touchdown here on nbc ♪

>> that was a nacho recipe.

[ laughter ]

♪ touchdown


Touchdown time ♪

♪ Sunday night and we're all

Feeling fine ♪

♪ there will be touchdowns

That's a guarantee ♪

♪ because the game already

Started and it's 14-3 ♪

[ laughter ]

>> did she say the game already


>> what the hell?

♪ 49ers have

56 active players

Here they are

In no particular order ♪

♪ kevin boss, jason hill ♪

♪ and josh morgan ♪

♪ 53 more to go on nbc ♪

>> we'll be right back after

This with more theme song on

"Sunday night football."

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> once again, bruno mars.

[ cheers and applause ]

♪ if I told you I was

Perfect I'd be lying ♪

♪ if there's somethin'

I'm not doin'

Girl I'm tryin' ♪

♪ I know I'm no angel

But I'm not so bad

No, no, no ♪

♪ you should know there's

Beautiful girls

All over the world ♪

♪ I could be chasing

But my time would

Be wasted ♪

♪ they got nothing

On you baby

Nothing on you baby ♪

>> that was then.

This is now.

♪ easy come, easy go

That's just how you live oh

Take, take, take it all

But you never give ♪

♪ should have known

You was trouble

From the first kiss ♪

♪ had your eyes wide open

Why were they open ♪

♪ gave you all I had

And you tossed it

In the trash ♪

♪ you tossed it in

The trash you did ♪

♪ to give me all your love

Is all I ever asked

'cause what you don't

Understand is ♪

♪ I'd catch a grenade for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ throw my hand

On a blade for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'd jump in front

Of a train for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ you know I'd do

Anything for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I would go through

All this pain

Take a bullet straight

Through my brain ♪

♪ yes, I would die for

Ya baby but you

Won't do the same ♪

♪ black, black

Black and blue

Beat me till I'm numb ♪

♪ tell the devil I said hey

When you get back

To where you're from ♪

♪ mad woman, bad woman

That's just what you are yeah

You'll smile in my face then

Rip the brakes out of my car ♪

♪ gave you all I had

And you tossed it

In the trash ♪

♪ you tossed it in

The trash, yes you did ♪

♪ to give me all your love

Is all I ever asked

'cause what you

Don't understand is ♪

♪ I'd catch a grenade for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ throw my hand

On a blade for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'd jump in front

Of a train for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ you know I'd do

Anything for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I would go through all

This pain

Take a bullet straight

Through my brain ♪

♪ yes, I would die

For ya baby

But you won't do the same ♪

♪ if my body was on fire

You'd watch me

Burn down in flames ♪

♪ you said you loved me

You're a liar 'cause ♪

♪ you never, ever

Ever did baby ♪

♪ but darling I'll still

Catch a grenade for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ throw my hand

On a blade for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'd jump in front

Of a train for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ you know I'd do

Anything for ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I would go through

All this pain

Take a bullet straight

Through my brain ♪

♪ yes, I would die

For ya baby

But you won't

Do the same ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> are you being audited?

Has the irs come to your home or

Place of business?

I'm patrick cox, founder of tax


Our professionals will solve

Your tax problems.

Call us today.

We're tax masters.

>> and cut.

Great job, patrick.

You nailed it.

That was really nice.

>> are you sure it was okay?

I mean, you don't want me to

Face the camera more?

>> no, no, no, no, please.

Just stay right where you are.

>> really?

I mean I'm totally in profile.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I know what this is about.

[ laughter ]

I do.

I know what this is about.

You guys don't want anyone to

See my little half-formed twin

Brother on the side of my head.

>> patrick, that's not true.

I didn't even notice that.

Did you guys notice anything?

[ in unison ]

>> no!

[ talking over each other ]

>> okay.

Well that's a wrap, guys.

>> no, wait, wait, wait, wait,


Hold on now, hold on.

Daniel's a good guy, okay.

Now come on, one more take.

>> fine, fine.

Okay, everybody we're going to

Do one more take for daniel.

>> tax masters, take two.

Oh, god.

>> are you being audited?

Have you not filed tax returns

For years?

Has the irs come to your home or

Place of business?

I'm patrick cox.

And this is my little brother,


Our tax professionals are ready

To help.

Call us today.

We're the tax masters.

>> and cut.

Okay, that was great.

Wasn't that great, guys?

[ in unison ]

>> yeah.

>> you know, I'm so glad he did

That one.

That one felt really good.

What are you guys doing


You want to get some beers?

>> I can't drink tonight.

I've got a long ride home.

I live out in calabasas.

>> hey!

No kidding.

Well hello neighbor, we should

Get dinner, just the three of us


>> I don't know.

>> hey, wait a second, hold on.

I think daniel -- daniel thinks

We should do another one.

>> roll camera, guys, quickly


>> tax masters, take three.

>> I appreciate you doing this.

It's really nice of you.

>> no, no, no!

>> are you being audited?

Have you not filed tax returns

For years?

We're taxmasters.

I'm patrick cox.

>> and I'm daniel cox.

Call me today.

I'm not just a pretty face.

>>> and thanks to bruno mars!

It's been a blast!

Good night, everybody!

Thank you so much!