Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 35, Episode 5 - Taylor Swift - full transcript

End Of An Era.
And now...

Greta Van Susteren.

Good evening.
I'm Greta Van Susteren.

It is hard to believe
that only one year ago

Barack Obama
entered the White House promising

a new era of government.

And on Tuesday it seems
that era came to a definitive end.

We'll discuss,
but first Shepard Smith

to recap Tuesday's historic events
in Virginia.

On election night,
the voters of Virginia

spoke loud and clear.



A state Obama carried in '08

is now back in the hands
of the Republican party.

I do believe we'll all remember

where we were
the night Bob McDonnell

took back the State House.

Indeed.
Let's meet our panel.

Senior political analyst
for Fox News, Brit Helm.

Greta, always a pleasure.

NPR correspondent and Fox News
contributor, Ron Williams.

Hello.
Great to be here Greta.

Former Deputy Chief of staff
to President George W. Bush,

Karl Rove.

Thanks for having me.

And Democrat and Former Howard
Dean campaign manager, Joe Trippi.



- Thank you so much for having me.
- Why did the Obama...

Why did the Obama era
end so quickly?

He had ten months in office yet
he could not find the time

to fix the greatest economic
collapse in modern times

or even win one of the two wars
he inherited.

And let's not forget
it was under his watch

that we lost the King Of Pop.

So true.

Let's take a look back at New Jersey.
Shepard, break down the results for us.

Greta, it was more bad news
for Barack Obama.

New jersey went to Republican
Chris Christie.

And that was the death knell
for the Obama administration.

It's official, Greta,

no he can't.

Ron, the democrats
are already trying to spin this

by saying that New Jersey
wasn't a referendum on Obama.

Any truth to that?

Look, they can say Jon Corzine
was an uncharismatic

one time Goldman Sachs employee
dogged by corruption accusations

whose most memorable moment
in office was a car accident.

But I think it's clear New Jersey

thinks Barack Obama
is a bad president.

How do you see
the rest of Obama's term?

He's a lame duck.

Joe Trippi, you've been
pretty quiet over there.

You haven't asked me any questions.

Brit, the significance of Tuesday...

There are certain
indelible moments of triumph

in our great nation's history,

the moon landing, VE day,

the Lewinsky scandal.
Tuesday was one of those nights.

I concur.

Same here.

- If I could just for one moment...
- Sorry, Joe...

We have to cut away to Fox's own,
Glenn Beck.

I couldn't sleep
Tuesday night because

in my neighborhood...

people were pouring into the street.

And honking their horns
in celebration

of the return of freedom.

They were screaming

and yelling and banging
on garbage cans

letting their neighbors know...

it's safe to come out.

That loving America...

is legal again.

And I love America.

I also realized
you can rearrange the letters

of your name...

to spell...

And it was a great night.

A great, great night...

for a great, great nation.

Now let's revisit New York's
23rd congressional district

where Sarah Palin
and Rush Limbaugh

backed the Conservative candidate
Doug Hoffman

as he courageously stood up

to the GOP
and their candidate Dede Scozzafava.

Shep, can you give us those results?

I'd rather not, Greta.

- Why not?
- Because it is just not important.

If you say so, Shep.

So there you have it.
A night where the country

forever shifted from the left...

to the right.

So to summarize,
Obama loses the election.

For Fox News, I'm Greta Van Susteren

and live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!

35x05 - 17 Oct. 2009
Taylor Swift

Thank you so much!

It is great to be here
hosting Saturday Night Live.

I have wanted to host this show...

ever since I was a little kid.

Staying up past my bed time
to watch Bill Hader

and Andy Samberg.

Being here is incredible.

I'm excited and I'm nervous and...

whenever I'm feeling strong emotions
about something like this...

I usually write a song about it.

So this is what I came up with.

It's called "Monologue Song".

In parenthesis, la, la, la.

I like glitter and sparkly dresses

But I'm not gonna talk about that

In my monologue

I like baking and things
that smell like winter

But I'm not gonna talk about that

In my monologue

I like writing songs
about douche bags who cheat on me

But I'm not gonna say that

In my monologue

I like writing their names in the songs
so they're ashamed to go in public

But I'm not gonna say that

In my monologue

This is my musical monologue

You might think I bring up Joe

That guy who broke up with me
on the phone

But I'm not gonna mention him

In my monologue

Hey, Joe, I'm doing real well

Tonight I'm hosting SNL

But I'm not gonna write about that

In my monologue

And if you're wondering if I might

Be dating the werewolf from Twilight

I'm not gonna comment on that

In my monologue

This is my musical monologue

You might be expecting me to say

Something bad about Kanye

And how he ran up on the stage

And ruined my VMA monologue

But there's nothing more to say
'Cause everything's okay

I got security lining the stage

It's my SNL monologue

This is my SNL monologue

That was my SNL monologue

We have a great show.
Kanye west is not here.

So stick around,
we'll be right back.

I'm Ronnie Carter.
Come on down to Carter N' Sons,

where one taste of our signature
pulled pork barbecue

- and you'll have...
- Swine Fever!

Howdy folks.

- Enjoying your meal?
- Enjoying it?

Heck, I got swine fever.

- I got it.
- We got it.

This swine fever is contagious.

My doctor says the swine fever
is gonna be the death of me.

I got swine fever and I gots it bad.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

One taste of Carter N' Sons
and you're guaranteed to leave with...

And the only cure
for swine fever is...

more barbecue!

I hope we have enough.

And don't forget to try
our special sausage and rib sampler.

I see you there.

We're back with hot topics.

Filling in for Sherri Shepherd today
is Kate Gosselin.

You are on a press tour
for no reason, is that right?

Thank you, Whoopi.
Actually that's right.

I'm doing lots of press.

For someone who has absolutely
no experience

in this industry
other than wrangling a bunch of kids

into a minivan on camera,

you seem very self-assured.

Thank you for saying that, Barbara.

Actually, every day I practice

emphatically talking
in front of a mirror.

The only thing I practice
in front of a mirror

is sucking in my back fat.

So what, who cares?

I don't even own a mirror.

The last time I looked in the mirror
I gave myself one of these...

And you know what was weird?
The mirror gave me one of these...

Kate, I just wanna say
you have beautiful hair.

I've heard many people make fun
of your hairstyle

and I think it's beautiful.

It's like a gorgeous waterfall
of human hair in the front,

and in the back,
a patriotic fireworks display.

In the front, a fun slide.

And in the back,
an exploded hedgehog.

Perfect for the busy mom
with children.

Beautiful hairstyle.

A beautiful American hairstyle.

America.

It is.

Actually, you know...

The hardest thing
about being a mom...

is having patience.

'Cause sometimes the paparazzi

say they're going to be
some place at 10:00

and they don't show up until 11:00.

You're a busy mom...

with beautiful hair.

It's like the front
is walking into a job interview

and the back
is leaving a rock concert.

Let's get back to hot topics.

This swine flu has become

even more serious than before.

There are reported cases
as far away as China,

India and as I said before,

China.

One problem they're foreseeing
is they're not going to have enough

of this H1N1 vaccine.

8-1, N1, 8s-2B4,

K-67B, R2D2.

These cats sticking letters after
numbers and numbers after letters,

I don't go to doctors.

The last time I went to a doctor

he poked his head into the room
and said, "Are you naked yet?"

And I said, "Honey child,
I'm not taking off my crocs".

You know, the only shot I want
is a shot of Kahlua

after looking at my neck wrinkles.

I look like I got frisbees
around my neck. So what? Who cares?

You got a lot of jokes
lined up for this one.

I can tell by the look on your face.

Thanks, Whoopi.
Here we go.

The only shot I want is a shot of David
Caruso getting out of the shower.

Who cares, so what?

My doctor told me
that I have so much upper arm fat

that if I was pushed out of a tree,
I would glide...

like a squirrel.
Who cares, so what?

You are so funny.

Actually...

you know what else is funny?

How I got this hairstyle.

My hairdresser was halfway through
giving me "The Rachel"...

when his blow-dryer exploded
on the back of my head.

You guys, H1N1 is really serious.

This is scary.

The government cannot come into
my house and tell me to get vaccinated.

I put antibacterial gel
everywhere in my house.

Every corner.

Every corner.
Near my cell phone...

my crepe maker, my ceiling fan...

the banisters
leading to my bathroom...

every corner.

Every corner.

Let's bring out our first guest.

He's a very prominent actor.

He starred in dozens of films
including my favorite,

Ghost Rider.

Please welcome Nicolas Cage.

Thank you for having me here today.

So you're broke now, right?

Yes, I am.

Unfortunately my business manager
made some grave errors

with my money and...

it's gone!

So what's next for Nicolas Cage?

I'm gonna steal
the Declaration of Independence.

Really?

Maybe there'll be a treasure map
on the back. Or...

Maybe I'll just make another movie.

Something where I walk and I go...

"Watch out!"

Fascinating.

I look forward to seeing that
on the silver screen.

Thanks for taking the time
out of your busy schedule.

I know you have to jog off
to a book signing at Barnes & Noble.

You have a book out?

Actually, no.

I'm just walking up to people
and asking them

if they want me to sign
whatever book they're holding.

I do that too.

We'll see you all tomorrow
when our guests will be...

Kristen Stewart and Wanda Sykes.

- Who's that?
- Who, him?

Them.

Those are the Franks.

They don't hang out
with anyone else.

He's cute.

That's Philip,

don't bother.

Stella, please sit with Philip.

OK, everyone.
Turn on your Bunsen burners.

I know what you are.

Your skin is green.
You have bolts in your neck.

- You freak out around fire.
- Say it...

out loud.

Frankenstein.

- Why won't you kiss me?
- Because when I kiss people, I tend...

- to accidentally choke them to death.
- I want you to try.

We found an old blind man
strangled to death.

- Looks like it was an accident.
- Strangled?

By accident?

Hey, Lomax.

- You hanging with Philip Frank now.
- What do you have against the Franks?

Just...

be careful.

I do believe
I'm gonna strangle someone...

by accident.

You... are my life now.

You're choking me.

Sorry...
It's an accident.

So cute.

Adorable.

Thank you so much
for doing this interview.

- I'm Brady Trunk.
- And I'm Anastasia Stix.

I know who both of you are.
I love Hollywood Dish.

- I love that you love it.
- And we love you.

This is going to be
a 5-minute interview

- and it's gonna air tonight.
- She knows how this works.

Let's get this started. Are we ready?
Is sound is good?

Am I popping my P's?

Six American Music Award
nominations, not bad.

I know.
It's been such an amazing year.

I mean, I'm so fortunate.

It really is a dream come true.

I'm sorry, is everything okay?

Yeah.
You're doing great.

It's just you're nodding so much,

I thought maybe you were trying
to tell me something.

No, we just don't wanna talk
while you're talking.

It will screw up the sound.
We just do that

- so you know we're engaged.
- That we're listening.

You're performing live at the AMAs.
Do you get nervous?

It's a lot of pressure up there.

Sometimes you don't get
that much time to rehearse.

And you don't wanna make a mistake
in front of millions of people.

But usually things work out.

Great.

AMAs...

big night.
Do you think you're gonna win?

I have a good feeling.

I mean... I could win.

Anything's possible.

- What is she whispering right now?
- You're an amazing talent.

- Thank you.
- Well, we mean it.

When you win,

make sure you keep
that Kanye off the stage.

Bigger laugh.

- Too much.
- Now you seem crazy.

Can you just give us
one normal laugh?

You know what...

This was fun.
This was great, but...

Just a few more questions.

What do you think about Ellen
joining American Idol?

I don't... really have an opinion.

What do you do for fun?

Well, just the usual stuff.

I like to go the movies...

hang out with my friends.

Spend time with my family...

What are you all d...

Spending time with my family,
friends and...

Wait a sec.
Is he a sleep right now?

I think you guys got enough here

and I'm just gonna
go ahead and go...

- right now.
- Thanks, Taylor.

- She was great. So cute.
- That went really well.

Tonight, on Hollywood Dish,

catch our exclusive interview
with Taylor Swift.

Has the pressure
finally gotten to her?

That, plus Mario Lopez shows us
how you can get his abs

on your dog.

Tonight on Hollywood Dish.

I'm Samantha Samuels.

You know, teens have gotten
a lot of flack recently

for "DWT",

or... driving while texting.

And it's true,

driving while texting
can be very dangerous.

But teens
aren't the only bad drivers.

In fact,

many of the worst drivers
are parents.

That's why I founded:

Or...

T.R.A.A.A.P.D.

We'll teach you about
such serious problems as...

Well, if you want to be treated
like an adult,

you need to start
acting like an adult.

You're driving on the sidewalk.

Mom, I don't need a tissue.

- I think you do.
- Mom!

Out of my way, nimrods.

And then the man will take...

that erection and...

you place it in the...

You will not crash this car.

These unsafe driving habits
are practiced by parents everywhere.

And there's more.
Like...

Turn left.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Turn left.

You know, before me your father
was married to a Korean woman.

Where the hell is it?

I think it's inside the dashboard.

How the hell did that happen?

Don't use your turn signal.
After you, your highness.

After you.

He's got a gun.

See? Maybe teen drivers
aren't so bad after all.

Maybe you should let me
borrow the car on Friday.

Honey, why is there
a hidden camera in our car?

Mom!

Get out!
You're ruining my commercial!

This ad was paid for
by Samantha Samuels

with money she stole
from her dad's desk.

I'm Seth Meyers
and here are tonight's top stories.

This week in a positive sign
that the economy may be recovering

New Yorkers started buying
big ticket items again,

like elections...

and championships.

The NY Yankees won their 27th
World Series title Wednesday...

with a 7-3 game six victory
over the Amish.

Must have been a long horse
and buggy ride back to Philly.

After the American
Medical Association

endorsed the democrats'
health care reform bill Thursday,

President Obama
said we're closer than ever before.

Which is like your dad saying
you're almost at Disneyland

while he's still pulling out
of the driveway.

And in breaking news, the House
pass the health care reform bill

in 11/07 this evening
by vote of 220 to 215.

Nancy Pelosi
was said to be so emotional,

she was on the verge of blinking.

The democrats effort to pass
their health care reform bill

was helped earlier in the week
when the senior citizens lobby, AARP,

endorsed the democrats' version
in the House.

Though to be fair, they thought
they were signing up for water aerobics.

To protest this vote in the House
on the health care reform bill,

a massive tea party protest rally
was held Thursday, outside the Capitol,

featuring celebrities such as,
Jon Voight and John Ratzenberger.

So I guess republicans only complain
about actors talking politics

when they're good actors.

With its defeat in Maine on Tuesday,

referendums to legalize gay marriage
lost in all 31 states

in which has it has been put
to a popular vote. Though to be fair,

I'm pretty sure straight marriage
would also lose in a popular vote.

Here now with his own take
on this week's top stories,

political comedian Nicholas Feign.

Thank you very much. For those of you
who aren't familiar with my work,

what I do is I read headlines
from today's newspapers.

And I provide my own skewed view
just off the top of my head.

So let's start
with your New York Times.

This is great.

"A free credit score
followed by a monthly bill."

You can't print that.

This is great.
I thought of you guys.

"Virginia republicans pledge
to steer towards center."

I read this on the way to work here.
I rode my bicycle.

"Protesters return in Tehran."

This is exactly...
The reason...

it's outrageous is that no one...

Any mere assumption...

that we as a mass
are gonna come together to...

I wouldn't...
I think... Once...

If we were to examine

the motorcycle industry
in the Midwest

the first thing...
people would...

The reminder...
The one alarm clock...

when...

it comes to, say, the Inuits,

the way they treat
the sick and elderly...

They're not...
I wouldn't assume...

I wouldn't even guess
at how many times...

I would... If one were to design
a uniform for tour guides.

This often happens.

I'm starting to get concerned that you
don't actually have anything to say.

Of all my friends...

Of all the people I have ever...

Of all... If every organization...
If every group of every family...

Of every family, of every
cousin of... Of every sister of...

The people...
You and I as friends...

If we were to meet at a...

a cafe or a museum
where they have...

pennies.

The one thing that...

I don't assume... I think
if they banned cremation in the '70s.

Wouldn't be easier... Maybe
it would help if you wrote it down.

This is a diagram
of the economy of Nicaragua.

And once that rises past...

That's enough.
Nicholas Feign, everybody.

You're unprepared.

On Wednesday, Glenn Beck
was forced to leave his radio show

after he suffered
an appendicitis attack on air.

Man, that's rough.
First his sponsors abandoned him

and now his organs want out.

The 20 story tall Oasis Of The Seas,

the world's largest cruise ship
began her maiden voyage this week.

Five times larger than the Titanic,
it has seven neighborhoods,

an ice rink, a golf course,
a 750 seat outdoor amphitheater

and please say
"guns to fight off pirates". No?

No guns to fight off pirates?
Enjoy your new boat, pirates.

Russia has launched
a nationwide campaign

to curb excessive drinking
which has plagued the country.

First step, move
the legal drink age up from 0.

Plans this week, were announced
for a Lilith Fair 2010.

The popular all female
summer musical festival

ran from 1997 to 1999 and
was co-founded by Sarah McLachlan.

Here to talk about it now
is Sarah McLachlan.

Thanks for having me.

Sarah, I have to tell you,
I am so excited about Lilith Fair.

I am also so, so excited.

Lilith Fair means so much to me.

But there's something else
I wanna talk to you about.

- What's that?
- The dogs.

The dogs, Seth.

We talked about this and you agreed
you weren't going to bring up

those dogs from those creepy
ASPCA commercials.

All of the dogs you are about to see

are dead

or about to die.

Don't show the dogs!

In the arms of the angel

This dog's house is in foreclosure.

Fly away from here

I hate these commercials.

This dog is a single mother.

And I do believe I found you

I, for real, broke my hand last year
trying to get to the remote

to change the channel
during this commercial.

This dog committed dog suicide.

These commercials are the worst.

There is nothing wrong
with this dog.

- Good.
- Except

that he was molested

by this dog!

That is enough.

Sarah McLachlan, everyone.

A new iPhone application
was launched Wednesday

that claims to be able
to translate an infant's cry

so parents can determine
what their child wants.

Though I think
what they generally want

is for you to put down your iPhone.

The number 1 movie
at the box office this past weekend

was the Michael Jackson concert
documentary This Is It

which made $21 million or as Jackson
would have thought of it,

unicorn money.

A woman from England revealed
this week on The Tyra Banks Show

that she has two vaginas,

two uteruses
and two menstrual cycles.

So stay away from her
when she has "ppmmss".

I really wanna believe this lady,
but I think

there are a lot of holes
in her story.

How did that get in there?

It was reported this week
that Wall Street firms

including Goldman Sachs
received the swine flu vaccine

from the Centers for Disease Control

despite massive shortages
of the vaccine nationwide.

Which brings us to a segment
we like to call,

Really, Goldman Sachs?

I understand you're an institution,

like all institutions
you need vaccines,

but before schools and hospitals?

Do you not know that you currently
have a serious PR problem?

Really, I know that to you guys

swine flu is almost as terrifying
as drinking tap water

or sending your kids to public school,
but really?

Can you not read
how mad people are at you?

When most people saw the headline
"Goldman Sachs

"get swine flu vaccine",

they were super happy
until they saw the word vaccine.

Your job is to predict the future.
So the next time someone

offers you medicine before
they give it to pregnant ladies,

see if you can predict
how well that's gonna go down.

And really, you do realize
that as bankers,

you should try to distance yourself
from the word swine?

Have you never seen
an editorial cartoon?

Pig in a top hat,
pockets full of money...

Making it way too easy, guys.

And by the way, our flu shots
are like bonuses now?

Are you worried that if you don't give
them to your top people they'll leave?

Where they gonna go? I don't even
watch the news but no one is hiring.

Also just a tip. If you're trying
to convince people that you care

about things other than money,
may I suggest removing the words

"gold" and "sach" from your name.

Also Center for Disease Control,
you sent the vaccine to Wall Street

before schools and hospitals?
Really?

Were you worried the swine flu might
spread to the Hamptons and St. Bart's?

These are the least
contagious people.

They don't even touch their own
car door handles.

So really, CDC, the next time
you wanna give something to Goldman

that should be going to students,
how about an economics textbook?

Or a noogie? Give yourself
a big fat noogie, Goldman Sachs.

Or a wet willy.

- For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Amy Poehler, good night!

What a touching ceremony.
I've never been to a wedding

- where so many people cried.
- I know.

Nicole looked so beautiful.
I'm so glad I brought tissues.

I brought tissues too.

Probably more tissues than you
so I also bought paper towels,

a beach towel sponge
and a ShamWow.

Used them all up. So I guess
I was more emotional than you were.

Honey, this is Penelope.

Hi, I'm June.
I went to high school with Nicole.

I went to college with Nicole.

And her parents and her neighbors.
We all live together in a dorm.

We were also at school
with the DJ too.

I probably know everyone here
better than you.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Hi, everybody.
Two announcements.

One, I hope you're ready
to boogie tonight.

And two, while we wait
for the bride and groom to arrive,

we'd like you all to take your seats.
Your salad has been served.

I already ate my salad.

It's my tenth salad today.
It was really good.

I have a salad bar in my car.

The steering wheel is a big crouton.

And it runs on blue cheese dressing.

This table is beautiful.
Look at all these cute little boxes.

They're so cute.
They have M&M's in them!

At my wedding
we had M&M&M&M&M&M's.

Just a few more "Ms" on our candies,
a little bit bigger, a little better.

We also had L&L's
and L&O's and Q&Q's.

A little better than M&M's. They're from
Iceland. Known for their chocolates.

Really?

All right, it's the moment
we've been waiting for.

If I could get you to look that way.

I'm already
looking that way already.

That's the only way I'm looking. I guess
I'm more focused than everyone else.

Are those horse blinders?
Really?

I would like to introduce
for the very first time ever,

Mr. and Mrs. Nicole
and Steve Parker.

They're so cute.

What is she doing?

Thanks for coming, everyone. It means
so much that you're all here tonight.

Yeah, but don't drink too much.
I still have to pay for the honeymoon.

I just got back from my honeymoon.

We went to the moon actually.
It's made of honey.

Enjoy your dinners.

What is she doing up there?
That is so rude.

June, relax.
Let's just have a good time.

Why don't you clink your glass so they
have to kiss? You love doing that.

I do love seeing
people kiss at weddings.

Penelope is ruining
this entire reception.

You making a scene
isn't going to make it any better.

She's ruining their day!

This is my day.

I bought it from the government, it's
National Penelope day in 14 countries.

The children celebrate
running in the streets.

The post office is closed
but I still get my mail.

- Really?
- Honey.

National Penelope day?

You know what, the month of June
was actually named after me.

And, you know what else?

Every night before I go sleep,

I take my feet off and if I close
my eyes real tight I can...

I can watch Toy Story on my eyelids.

And my mom is a roller coaster.
And I was born in the...

in the 1930s.

So what do you have to say
about that, Penelope?

I guess all I can say

is that before I go sleep my feet
take me off and they go to bed.

And when I close my eyes really tight,
I can watch movies on demand.

It's free 'cause I know a guy.

My mom is Six Flags
and my dad is Bush Gardens.

Whenever I want to, I can turn into a
black and white movie star from the 30s.

Are you serious?
Are you kidding me right now?

- Why don't you just relax and...
- Let's go to the bar...

having drinks.

- Do not come with us.
- Absolutely, let's just...

I don't need to go to the bar
'cause I already had 50 margaritas.

I'm gonna get my black and white car but
I'm not gonna drive 'cause I'm drunk.

Just a little drunk right now.

All right, knuckle heads.

I bet you think joyriding
is real fresh, huh?

Next time I catch you driving
your parent's car without a license,

you're gonna be joyriding
in a police cruiser. You got that?

Yes, officer.

You got a bad attitude...

all of you. That's why I've invited
two representatives

from the scared straight program
to come talk to you, punks.

They're inmates over at Largemonte
maximum security prison

and they're here to warn you about
the dangers of a criminal lifestyle.

Macintosh, Devlin,
you wanna get in here?

All right, here we come.

On your feet.

Up!

Now, sit down.

Sit down!

- I said on your feet.
- Get up!

Men, sit your ass down.

My name is Lorenzo Macintosh.

I'm skinny Devlin.

But people call us "the swirl".

'Cause we're black and white.

Twisted.

What they do this time?

We caught these kids tooling around

in their parent's car
without a license.

We were just joyriding.

Close your damn mouth!

You think
I never got caught joyriding?

I was a real showboat back
at the Naval Fighter Pilots Academy.

But one day I got...

I had a risky maneuver
during the training mission

and my best friend Goose died
in midair. Is that what you want?

You responsible for Goose's death
and Iceman won't let you forget it

'cause this here is real!

I think that's the plot
of the movie Top Gun.

Top Gun?

You better watch yourself.

In prison,
guns don't go in the tops.

They're going bottoms.

And mouths.

And you don't feel the need...
The need to bleed.

'Cause you'll be
everyone's favorite cockpit.

But they won't eject out of you.
They'll going inject into you.

You can't say stuff like that
to the kids.

Our bad, Chief.

I stay on the reservation.
Just don't tax my cigarettes.

Why you kids
stealing your parents' car?

We're bored.

We just drove around and blasted
some tunes. So what?

You don't think I have been bored?

You don't think I like music?

Back in the day I was a nun
who couldn't stop singing.

So the other nuns sent me to be
a governess for the Von Trapp family.

Pretty soon I was running
through the mountains

teaching seven children
how to sing. Is that what you want?

You're running away from Germans
and wondering

how you solve a problem like Maria.

'Cause this here is real!

That's just The Sound Of Music.

My goodness gracious.

Watch out.
Keep your damn mouth...

shut!

Or the only trap
you'll have to worry about

is the trap they set for you
in the laundry room.

And you'll be wondering how
you solve a problem like gonorrhea.

Only song you'll be singing
is this one.

John Doe
The name they'll give your corpse

Rape, a thing that's done to you

Me, why me?

I want my mom

Far inside you they will go

So, a needle pulling thread

Why?
To stick back up your butt

Absolutely not.

No singing.

- I gave you way too much leeway.
- That's on us, chief.

My bad, I stay in my lane.
I just can't afford the tolls.

Which one you've all
is the ring leader?

Boy, get your butt up here.

Get up!

How fast were you going,
Kurt Russell?

Fast enough.

You think I never got caught
speeding before?

One time I watched my doctor friend
get shot dead in the streets

over some plutonium.

So I hopped in his car.

I believe it was a Camaro.

Maybe a Delorean.

I got it up to 88 miles per hour
and pretty soon...

I was back in 1955...

and my own mother
was trying to kiss me.

Is that what you want?

You disappear from a photograph

and Biff's beating your daddy up.
'Cause this here is real!

That's definitely
Back To The Future.

No more babies.

Boy, you better
keep your damn mouth shut...

or you're gonna
be going back to the showers...

and the only speed you're gonna
reach is 88 dudes per hour.

- Ain't talking about no flux capacitor.
- That's more than one a minute.

We ain't talking about no flux
capacitor. We talking about a butt

capacity!

And yours just hit 1.21 jizawatts!

No way, Macintosh!

- That was bad.
- Yeah, that was bad.

Bad.
You both need to leave, now.

- We're busy anyway.
- No, you're not.

Just remember...

You wanna speed up...

they gonna slow you down.

You wanna break the law...

they're gonna break you.

You want a joyride,
you're gonna be a joy...

to ride!

And the only seat available
is bitch!

- All right, we out.
- Good.

1.21 jizawatts.

Let's go both of you.
Let's go, scoot.

Get out of here.

You, boys, learn your lesson?

I didn't think so.

That's nice, they're helping
an old lady to cross the street.

They're killing her.
They're killing her?

Are you sure you don't mind
staying in tonight?

It doesn't matter where we are,
Lexie, as long as we're together.

- That's the worst.
- I know. I'm adorable, right?

You still wanna watch
Master And Commander?

Or we could play
master and commander.

Stop it!

Oh, no, is that your roommate?

Lexie, I'm back.

- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.

I love you.
You're my everything.

Have you been out of town
or something?

No, she's been at work

and her part time job
at Bath And Body Works.

For two hours.

I missed you.
I love you so much.

Bath And Body Works is the worst.

- So is being away from you.
- Bennett, look who's here!

- What are we watching?
- Master And Commander,

but not until
you get in your jammies.

OK, hurry!

- Wait, don't go. Don't go yet.
- I have to.

You get make me do anything.

Isn't she cool?

She's definitely cool.

Have you thought anymore
about getting your own place?

Kind of.

I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this.

How are you?
What happened?

I'm just sitting here.
It's Anna.

- Yeah, he's still here.
- She's calling you from the other room?

I'm sorry, hon, what did you say?
I miss you too.

Are you in your jammies yet?

Well, come on out, then.

See you soon.

- That was Anna.
- Yeah, I know.

Do you wanna maybe
go hang out at my place?

I don't know.
Anna just got here.

I don't think
she's gonna wanna go out.

- Look who brought snacks.
- Snacks for my tummy! Get in here!

- Who wants some blanket?
- I do!

- You want some blanket?
- I'm okay.

- I missed you.
- I missed you too. Quit your job.

I want to so bad.

You're the only person
I wanna hang out with.

I was gonna tell you something.

Hay if for horses
and chickens and fish!

Hit me 3 times
and I'll grant you your wish!

Barack Obama!

Does he get it?

Do you get it?

Hay if for horses
and chickens and fish!

Hit me 3 times
and I'll triple you your wish!

Look, your inside jokes are
really cute and everything, but...

I thought tonight was just gonna be
about us hanging out.

That's weird.

I get it.
I guess...

I'll just head back to...

my room now.

What's wrong?

Nothing, she's just like
a really great person.

You wanna hang out with Anna.

I'm totally fine with this.

- If it really means that much...
- Great. Hey, Anna.

Hay is for horses
and chickens and fish.

The story of a couple of bunnies
with a lot of ambition.

And before you see the movie,

buy the soundtrack,

featuring an original song
by Randy Newman.

Bunnies wearing suits

Bunnies in a fight

Tiny bunnies brief case

Bunny Business

These bunnies
have a nose for business

and a tail for the ages.

And now you can own
the soundtrack

featuring a brand new song
by Natalie Merchant.

These are bunnies

With 401(k)s

Never before have bunnies

Worked in an office

And that's not all. Bunny business
features over 30 original songs

from some of the world's
most successful singers.

Including Shakira.

So many bunnies
On the floor tonight

Hoping and shaking
Their bunny hips

There's a she-bunny in all of us

Jump on the dance floor
Don't be shy

Wear a pants so intense and it flies

Bunny girls hop on your bunny boys

Bunny Business soundtrack
'cause when you hear

the words "animated bunnies",
you immediately think

of Adam Duritz
from the Counting Crows.

Bunny Business song

Bunnies in pant suits

And Mr. Jones

Bunny Business,
little kids like bunnies,

but they love Eddie Vedder

and Christina Aguilera.

That one didn't even mention
Bunny Business but who cares?

We were too busy
enjoying this instant classic

by Jennifer Hudson.

No way

They're not wearing pant suits

It's a whole big mess

Of funky bunny business

And you and you and you...

You're gonna pay me

For this soundtrack

You're gonna pay me...

money

The Bunny Business soundtrack.

Even if you buy it,
our careers are over.

Saturday Night Sub
Batefer, So.

This was SNL.

I cannot believe
this is happening to me right now.

Thanks to Amy Poehler
for coming out.

Thanks to my band.

Thanks to Lorne Michaels.
Every single people on the stage.

This has been the best week
of my life. And thank you so,

so much for having me you guys.
Good night!