Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 34, Episode 21 - Justin Timberlake/Ciara - full transcript

The following is a special address
from the Secretary of the Treasury.

Good evening.

I'm Timothy Geithner,
the Secretary of the Treasury.

Earlier this week, I reported to you

the results of the so-called
"stress tests" my department ran

on the nation's nineteen
largest banks.

This was an effort to determine
each bank's fiscal soundness,

following last September's
$700 billion federal bailout.

Tonight, I would like to reveal to you,
the American people,

the results of part 2
of the Stress Test,

the written exam,



taken by all nineteen bank CEOs
last Saturday.

Initially, my department
had planned to give each bank

a numerical grade of 1 to 100.

100 being a perfect score.

But then we decided
that might unfairly stigmatize

banks who scored low on the test

because they followed
reckless lending practices

or were otherwise
not good at banking.

So we changed to a simple
"PASS/FAIL" system.

However,

on reflection, a few of us felt
that that system was too rigid,

so we changed it once again
to "PASS/PASS*".

This seemed less judgmental
and more inclusive.

Eventually,
at the banks' suggestion,



we dropped the asterisk

and went with a "PASS/PASS" system.

Tonight, I am proud to say

that after the written tests
were examined,

every one of the nineteen banks
scored a "PASS"!

Congratulations, banks!

But that's no reason
to just rest on our laurels.

There's always room for improvement.

None of the bank answered
all 50 questions correctly,

and most got less than half right.

One bank in particular, CitiGroup,

seemed to think
the whole thing was just a big joke.

Shame on you, CitiGroup!

And this is a serious matter.

I was deeply disappointed
with CitiGroup's attitude

towards this entire project.

And, frankly,
if CitiGroup weren't too big to fail,

I would have failed them.

That's how disguted I was.

But apart from CitiGroup,

who are a bunch of smart ass punks,

the other banks at least
took the test seriously.

And since we can all learn
from our mistakes,

I thought we'd take a moment to look
at the most commonly missed questions:

Number 11:

The answer we were looking for was:
10% cash on hand.

J.P. Morgan Chase wrote:

Wells Fargo wrote:

And CitiGroup, of course, wrote:

Grow up, CitiBank.

Question 23 also stumped
several banks:

Goldman Saks wrote:

State Street of Boston:

And Capitol One said:

Actually, none of these is correct.

The correct answer is:
issue common stock.

Now, Question 30,
which most banks got wrong,

really has no one correct answer
since it would vary with each bank.

Bank of America:

CitiGroup said:

And GMAC answered:

As you'll notice,
that last answer doesn't make sense,

and that's because GMAC
apparently answered "TaxPayer Bailout"

to every one of the 50 questions.

Although, that did turn out to be
the right answer to thirty of them.

Question 41 tripped up a few banks:

Obviously,
we were looking for qualified.

Morgan Stanley wrote:

Bank of New York Mellon:

And CitiGroup:

I don't know if they're serious
about that job or not, but

I think my mother
would be really pumped.

Finally, what was
the most difficult question?

Apparently, this one
from the multiple choice section:

The correct answer is:
a. Good performance.

Surprisingly,

all nineteen banks got this wrong.

Who knew?

Thank you for your kind attention.

Together, we'll get through this.

And live, from New York,
it's Saturday Night!

34x21 - 09 May 2009
Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Thank you very much.

It is great to be here
hosting Saturday Night Live.

I can't believe I'm hosting for...

the third time because...

The first time that I hosted...

The whole thing was a blur

I love you too.

I was terrified
It was quite awry

Could not believe that it occurred

But now I'm back

In old 8H

On familiar ground

Gonna make myself comfortable...

This is awkward.

Say "hi" to America.

'Cause I think I know my way around

I love this place!

How are your parents Dan and Cathy?

- They're good.
- Wasn't it their anniversary yesterday?

Yeah, I forgot
but they loved your flowers and note.

Great, it's the least I could do.

- Good people!
- They are.

I know my lines
I hit my marks

I got my blocking down

Tonight I will get the drill

I think I know my way around

Anything I can help with?

I'm trying to explain to him that
I can't have anything with peanut sauce.

Let me help.

He said there's no peanut sauce
and then I made a dirty joke.

Yes, I'm back in SNL

In my favorite town

When I can lend a hand

- You're the man, Justin.
- Hey, man.

I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Thanks to this great cast

They're sweet, they're kind

They're generous

And their talent kicks ass

I'm supposed to look real sexy

But this dress does not feel right

May I make a small adjustment?

Now you're ready for tonight

I lied about the looking sexy thing,
I just wanted him to do that.

No need to explain.

Since my last time
I traveled the world

I've grown leaps and bounds

But now I'm back where I belong

I think I know my way around

It's Justin.

Third time here hosting

The third time is a charm

Number 3, you'd agree

Put I'm all into it you can see

'Cause I practiced
The fact is this season's fantastic

I watched every host
Whether home or on the road

From Affleck to Phelps,
Franco to Rogen,

Malkovich, Laurie,
our friend Tracy Morgan,

Rudd, Bradley Cooper
and Neil Patrick Harris,

McGraw, Zac Efron,
The cute Anna Faris,

Brolin,

Hamm,

Rosario Dawson,

Baldwin,

Martin,

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,

Anne Hathaway,
Tina Fey

But now I'm here and I gotta say...

We've got a great show.
Ciara is here.

So stick around,
we'll be right back.

Hey Mom!

- Guess who got arrested?
- Who?

Kevin Summerland!

- Who?
- You know.

Calvin Sonogram.

- You mean Kiefer Sutherland?
- Yes, that's it.

Moms!

They love us
and they take care of us.

But one thing they can't do

is remember celebrities' names.

Now you don't have
to waste hours a day

trying to decipher which celebrity
your mother is referring to.

With the new
Mom Celebrity Translator.

Simply enter the names
pronounced by your mother...

Kite Carbinaue.

... then enter
whatever vague information

- your mother knows about this person...
- She's on TV...

and she's crazy.

... and seconds later
you'll have the translation.

Yeah, she's crazy.

Honey, who do you think is cuter:
Rabbi Ronaldo or Champ Crowdaddy?

You mean Ryan Reynolds
or Chase Crawford.

Neither.
I like Jake Gyllenhaal.

- Who?
- It even works backwards.

Sorry, Joe Geronimo.

I love Joe Geronimo, he was so good
in "Breakdance Fountain"!

And the Mom Celebrity Translator
even comes

with audio playback so moms
can hear the right pronunciation.

Keith Ragu.

That's what I said.

The Mom Celebrity Translator...

Look for it
wherever mom products are sold!

So...

Ann Taylor

Welcome to Target!

Let's see...
Yard gloves...

tomato seeds...

fertilizer...

Hey, Pat Sajack,
I solved the puzzle:

gardening!

It's gonna be $42,11.

- Here you go.
- A fifty!

And it's legit!

I get to put this under the tray.

I'm sorry I'm in a hurry.

You know what fertilizer is, right?

Excuse me?

It's part dirt and part feces.

It's my job to let you know what you're
buying. I thought you should know

you're buying a big bag of feces.

Thanks.

Someone left a bag of feces
on my doorstep once.

It was Halloween and they rang the bell
but when I got there, they were gone!

But they left their feces bag.
They must have forgotten it.

I put it in my garden
but it didn't help any of my plants,

I think because
it came from a person.

I'm sure this will work because
this manure came from a chicken.

I haven't seen anything move that fast
since I went to an illegal mouse race.

That was a weird, weird night.

Did somebody say weird?

Peg!

Hi girlfriend!

So, I strained my neck.

- How did you do that girlfriend?
- I was pushing a washing machine

up a hill when my fashion sandal
got caught on a decorative yard prick.

Is that not just classic Peg!

Classic Peg.

So then I tripped and tried
to brace myself on the washer lid

but I ended up breaking it off
and falling inside.

I rolled all the way back down
the hill inside of it.

I was holding on to the cup
that holds the softener

and my legs were clinched
around the agitator pole.

Can you believe it?
I mean, is that not just Classic Peg!

So classic!

So the next thing I know,
I'm peering my head out of the machine,

it's 8 in the morning and I'm behind the
Dunkin' Donuts by the private airport.

Classic Peg.

So, what brings you
to Target, miss Thaing?

Two words:
potato sticks and Carl Earl.

I got a date tonight.

You know how I roll, I just...

I'll be right back.

- Hi, can I pay for this?
- I forgot my coconut water.

Just classic Peg.

Look how long your hair is.
I bet if you put it up in a bun

it would look like you're wearing
a hair-covered Kaiser roll.

Let's see...

Sunscreen,

nose plugs.

I wear nose plugs around the house
when my neighbor cooks broccoli.

What's this?

Arm floaties?

You blow them up with air.
They're for my son to help him swim.

Where are you going?

Excuse me, is this register open?

I guess but the lady just took off.

Is it a white lady
that has a haircut that looks like

she's got bangs that go all the way
around her head and never stops?

Does she sound like her voicebox
is covered in egg?

That's her.

I thought so,
I'm waiting in the other line.

I found them!
I'm gonna blow these up and put them

on my antique bean cans,
filled them with pencils

so I can write
thank-you notes in the tub.

You're back!

You are never gonna believe
what just happened to me.

I was checking my mascara
in one of the fish tanks

when of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch
on the edge of my panty band.

I looked around,
push my slacks down to my ankles

and found something crawling on me.
It was a Black Widow spider!

- Those are poisonous!
- I know!

So I flicked it on the ground
and realized, get this...

It was a half-flattened
licorice jelly bean.

So there I was,

laughing with my comfort legs around
my ankles by the fish tanks at Target.

Classic Peg.

Then guess who runs into me!

My Preacher from church.

And guess what he said.

That Heaven has a Target?

He didn't say that.

Classic Peg.

Classic Peg to the max!

And look what else
I found for my date tonight.

Satin handcuffs!
Where are those?

They're with the bachelorette
party stuff. I think it was aisle 12...

This Peg.

I did call for a full body waxing
except for the neck.

Yes, it usually takes about 3 hours
with 2 breaks.

Yes, I can hop on my scooter
and be there in 20.

I gotta go, my friend's coming back.

Wam bam, thank you Peg!

I'm gonna put these around the trunks
of my indoors palm trees

to make sure they'll grow parallel
to one another.

Listen, I gotta go.

I gotta get to my waxing.

My "Barbara Bush"
is getting bigger by the minute.

I called it that because,
well, it's white

and a bunch of people
took pictures of it in the 90's.

TMI, miss girl!

I think about making
cabbage tacos for us tonight.

Maybe I better pick up
some air freshener.

How about instead
you get a sented candle?

We have vanilla,
lavender breeze, stress relief.

I think there's peppermint
in that. Lilac...

Look, Ellis Island!

The new world is upon us!

I can smell it in me nose!

Just think of it, a chance
to start a new life for our children.

And our children's children.

Someday I hope me great, great
grandson might own his own land.

And I hope my great, great grandson
will be a learning doctor.

What about you,
Cornelius Timberlake?

What do you hope your great,
great grandson will be like?

I know he'll be very handsome.

And... he'll be a millionaire.

A millionaire?
From fur trapping?

From coal?

From popular songs.

What sort of songs
could make a man millions?

I don't know.

Maybe something like...
Cry me a river.

He'll be a girl?

That's a perfectly normal way
for a man to sing!

And...

he'll be world famous
by the age of 16.

All by 16?

How?

At a young age,

he'll go to work
with a band of boys.

- Like in a sweatshop?
- Sort of.

Sort of like a sweatshop.

Then I imagine
he'll branch out on his own.

Growing more
and more handsome every day.

He'll strut about in tiny vests,
thin ties, and outdated hats.

- That will look dreadful!
- No, on him it will work!

That will probably frustrate
Huggar Maiden.

It... will.

I actually dream of a day
when my great, great grandson will...

bring sexy back.

Bring sexy back,
what does that mean?

It'll be gone
and he'll bring it back!

- Where did it go?
- Just trust me,

people will be on board.

It sounds like he'll have
his pick of the ladies.

Indeed.

I'd like to think that at first,

he'll date a popular female singer.

Publicly, they'll claim to be virgins
but, privately...

he hit it.

Then he'll make love
with women so beautiful and so often,

that it won't be enough for him, and
he'll... maybe try some stuff with guys.

I mean he'll be straight!
But, well, never mind, forget that part.

Everything else will come true
but forget that part.

His life is going to be
a nonstop orgy

of fame and money.

He'll sing!

He'll dance!

He'll act!

He'll even make surprise appearances
on a Saturday night comedy show!

There will be great excitement.

And then he'll appear.
Again...

and again.

Many times a year.

Won't that lessen
the excitement, though?

Right?

It'll be good, right?

It will be good!

Who are you?

My name is Moyshe Samberg.

Your prediction has inspired me.

Maybe someday my great,
great grandson will also make songs.

Do you think
he'll have a beautiful voice?

He'll have a voice, you know.
A fine, workable voice.

It'll be more about charisma
with him.

And maybe...

in this new land of opportunity,

our grandsons will collaborate.

- You know what, Jew? You're all right.
- There it is.

To the new world!

- Dang.
- What is it, dawg?

I forgot it's Mother's Day

Didn't get a gift for her

Other plans got in the way

She'll be so disappointed

Damn, I forgot it too

- This could have been avoided
- What the hell are we gonna do?

My mom's been so forlorn
Ever since my daddy left

- Cold
- No one to hold her tight

Life has put her to the test

I know just what you mean
My mom's been so sad and gray

My dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom
Ever since he passed away

- Hold up
- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

- I'm thinkin' I'm thinkin' too
- Slow up

- What time is it, dawg?
- It's time for a switcheroo

We both love our moms
Women with grown-women needs

I say we break 'em off
Show 'em how much they really mean

'Cause I'm a motherlover
You're a motherlover

We should fuck each other's mothers

Fuck each other's moms

You've seen that place
That you came out as a baby

Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy

Fuck each other's moms

'Cause every Mother's Day
needs a mother's night

If doing it is wrong
I don't wanna be right

I'm callin' on you
'Cause I can't do it myself

To me you're like a brother

So be my motherlover

I'm layin', waitin' for your mom
Clutchin' on this lube and roses

I got my digital camera, I'm gonna
make your mama do a million poses

- They will be so surprised
- We are so cool and thoughtful

Can't wait to pork your mom

I'm gonna be the syrup
She can be my waffle

My mother loves bubble bath
with chamomile

Give it to my mom doggy-style

This the perfect plan
For a perfect Mother's Day

They'll have to rename this one
"All Up Under The Covers Day"

'Cause I'm a motherlover
You're a motherlover

We should fuck each other's mothers

Fuck each other's moms

I'll push in that place
Where you came out as a baby

Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy

Fuck each other's moms

It would be my honor
To be your new stepfather

It would be my honor
To be your new stepfather

I'll let you do my mother
Make me another brother

And I'm gonna do your mother
I'll never use a rubber

'Cause every Mother's Day
needs a mother's night

If doing it is wrong
I don't wanna be right

I'm callin' on you
'Cause I can't do it myself

To me you're like a brother

So be my motherlover

They blessed us both
with the gift of life

She brought you in this world
So I'ma sex her right

This is the second-best idea
that we've ever had

The choice can be no other

Be my motherlover

Happy Mother's Day

Think it's time to take some steps

Building up your small biceps

Work out right now

Right now at Lifters!

Everybody, forget plastic surgery.

Get yourself across the street

and check out
the grand opening of Lifter Fitness.

We got awesome machines,

english-speaking trainers

and a crazy amount of pure air
so you won't get the swine flu.

You are gonna look so hot

your friends are gonna think
you got plastic surgery.

Did somebody say plastic surgery?

Upfront style
Ready to attack now

I, Doctor,
got the whole thing lock down

I see you creeping
I can feel you're looking nasty

Wanna jump outta my Lamborghini
and give uranoplasty

Snip that, got a big ol' nose

Tuck that, got some jelly rolls

Nip that, got some fugly toes

Just bring it all down
to Plasticville!

No offense Barbell
but you're sort of trespassing.

It's a sidewalk and this is America.

Why don't you stand
on your sidewalk over there?

Because a dog laid a hot one
and it's making me sick.

This is my spot I work here.

We all work
and I'm about to work "it" right now.

Work out

Feel good

Join Lifters!

When did your album drop?

I'm not gonna take on
your sucky energy.

Suck?

That reminds me.

Maybe you were stupid

For looking at your thighs

Maybe you were wrong

For wearing pants
just too damn tight

'Cause your fat is calling me

Ever a small fee

I'll lipo suck

it outta you

All you gotta do is...
Bring it all out down to Plasticville!

Nice try,
but you can call me the buzz

'cause I'm about
to take you to school!

Mary had a big ol' gut

Big ol' gut
She had a big ol' gut

Mary had a big ol' gut

And now she joined Lifters...

and she doesn't have one

This month only in Lifters,
two for one membership.

We got a two for one special too.

Check it, boy!

Wish I could change
my flat old chest

And make it bigger than the rest

Implants, don't wanna be an A

Implants, discount if you prepay

He ain't stopping now!

I'll get real hot

Show him what I got

Just change my, just change my...

Come on
and change my mediocre face

Just bring it all down
to Plasticville!

You know what?

- Your type really chafes my quads
- What exactly is my type?

Guys who think they're cool beans
on a hot sidewalk.

You're a bigger boob than me.

Why don't you go find a bench press

to press
'cause I've got business to drum up.

You want them big ones now

They've itty bitty jacking your style
I'm gonna improve your swagger

Gonna draw on you with a Sharpie

Gotta get those boobs

**** be bumpin' bumpin'

Bring it all down to Plasticville!

Hey guys, do you wanna look plastic

or fantastic? Join Lifters.

Now, get off man.

Don't start trying to confuse me!

Here comes the steroids'
side effects.

Come on!

You know what?

These feel nice.

- Cushy, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Did you know that one nostril
is bigger than the other?

Really?

Kinda looks like...
an electrical outlet.

Maybe that's why
I'm not getting any gym tang.

Probably.

But we can fix that for you.

For half price,
if you stay off our property.

That would be nice.

Do you ever do
breast reductions on men?

- Why do you ask?
- No reason whatsoever.

Bring it all down to Plasticville!

I'm Seth Meyers
and here're tonight's top stories.

Lewis Caldera, the White House Aide
who authorised

the controversial photograph
of Air Force One over Manhattan,

resigned on Friday.

May I suggest that they replace him
with Photoshop?

You don't have to fly Air Force One
over Manhattan

to get a picture of Air Force One
over Manhattan.

Here's Air Force One
at the Pyramids.

Here it is in a crowded elevator.

Here it is on the red carpet
with the Space Shuttle.

And of course, here it is
in the children's book

"Where's Air Force One?".

Pope Benedict on Friday
began his first trip

to the Middle East
in hopes that the Catholic Church

can play a role
in the region's peace process.

And because it's the Middle East,
he traveled in the official Popemobile

inside another Popemobile.

ESPN has reported
that the drug that resulted

in Manny Ramirez suspension
from baseball was a fertility drug.

How did a fertility drug
make him better baseball player?

That's not his bat!

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey,
John Edwards' wife Elizabeth said

that she has no idea
if the former presidential candidate

is the father
of his mistresses baby.

Though, judging from this photo,
I'd say there's a resemblance.

On Wednesday, Maine became
the fifth State to legalize gay marriage

after Governor Balducci signed a...

Go for it.

... after Governor Balducci signed
a same-sex marriage bill in the law.

It's the best news for gays in Maine
since L.L. Bean introduced

the line of assless duck waders.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal
were married this past weekend.

Before the wedding, the couple
was registered at Craate & Baarreyhl.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal
were married this past weekend.

The wedding video was already nominated
for an Independent Spirit Award.

There's more.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal
were married this past weekend.

Here's their official
celebrity couple nickname:

New York Governor David Pater...

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal
were married this past weekend.

They wrote their own vowels.

New York Governor David Paterson
has come under increased criticism

with a recent poll
showing that 51% of New Yorkers

would actually prefer disgraced
former Governor Eliot Spitzer

running things in Albany.
Here now to comment,

Governor David Paterson
and former Governor Eliot Spitzer!

- Marco.
- Polo!

Thank you both for coming.

You both must have been surprised
by the poll results.

Indeed! I haven't scored that low
since my driving exam.

It's a little tough when people think
you have worst judgment

than a guy who didn't want use
a condom with a prostitute.

Come on, it was funny.

By the way, not wearing
a condom with a prostitute,

that's like riding in a convertible
through New Jersey!

Because this place is so polluted.

Let's cut out the Jersey stuff.

Believe me, if we could
cut out Jersey, we would!

You know why they won't let you
pump your own gas there?

But it's because most people in Jersey
lack that skill sets!

In New Jersey, pumping gas
is like performing brain surgery!

Can we please get back to the poll?

That's what he said!
To a prostitute!

Nice one!

Seriously, that poll must have been
a pretty crazy phone call to get.

Who'd you rather held as governor?
The prostitute guy

or Mister Disaster?

That's a tough call to make
since all options are terrible.

It's like judging a beauty contest
in New Jersey!

This poll is good news for you
as you try to reenter public life.

Yeah true,
I've been rebuilding my image.

Plus, let's remember, no charges were
ever pressed against me. I'm a free man.

I'm like that guy
in the Shawshank Redemption,

except I never had a tunnel
behind a pin-up girl.

Wait...

I did!

Seriously, I think people are turning
to me again in this tough economic time,

there was a time where I was known
as the "Sheriff of Wall Street".

And I was the deputy
who they wouldn't let have a gun!

Your term hasn't been all bad,
I mean you did get a good deal

of support recently when you endorsed
legalization of gay marriage.

That's true.

I believe that marriage should be open
to people of all sexual orientations.

And I believe
marriage should be open!

High five!

Republicans like Judge Scarborough
have commented this week

that this poll proves it would be easy
for the Republicans to take Albany.

You think so, genius?

The only way I'm getting reelected

is if I save New York
from a Cloverfield!

Maybe it's one
of those Sanjaya situations

where people vote for me
'cause it's funny!

What do you think
is in stores for both of you?

We might go into entertainment.

Now we are pitching
a detective show to Spike TV.

It's called "Horn Dog and Blurry"!

- I'm Blurry.
- He's Blurry.

You both realize you burned
a lot of bridges out here?

Yes Seth, we have burned
a lot of bridges.

Now if we could only flood the tunnels,
there would be no way to get to...

New Jersey!

David Paterson
and Eliot Spitzer, everybody!

Police in California arrested a man

who tried to smuggle songbirds
into the U.S.

by strapping more
than a dozen birds to his legs

and trying to walk out
of the Los Angeles Airport.

Police became suspicious when
they noticed the man was twittering

without a Blackberry.

Harry Potter: The Exhibition opened
at the Chicago Museum of Science...

Turn around!

There you go.
Just walk.

Harry Potter: The Exhibition opened

at the Chicago Museum
of Science and Industry last week,

using over 200 props to recreate
the magical world of Hogwarts.

The exhibit offers fans a chance
to meet magical creatures

like Buckbeak the Hippogriff,
Dobey the House Elf,

and Barry the 47 year-old
who is required to introduce himself

under Megan's Law.

A pair of identical twins in China
married another pair of identical twins.

What are the odds of that?
Actually, in China, about 3 to 1.

A Philadelphia museum
has rejected a request

to test its sample
of Abraham Lincoln's blood

to see if the 16th president
had a rare genetic disorder.

Which is weird, because I thought
we were pretty clear on cause of death.

This week, Chanel,
who has been named

the "world's oldest dog"
by Guinness World Records,

turned 21 years old.

Chanel also holds the world record
for "longest time playing dead",

so I'm just saying maybe
someone should check on Chanel.

A man in Russia who underwent
penis-enlargement surgery

returned to his doctors a month later
begging them to undo it

because he was too big
and no woman wanted to be with him.

Though it's a little suspicious because
he just kept saying it really loud

near the nurse's station.

On Thursday, Star Trek
opened in theaters nationwide

with an ad campaign that promised
this isn't your father's Star Trek.

A sentiment that upsets some of
the hardcore fanbase of the franchise.

Here to address those fans:

the stars of the film,
Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto.

Thank You Seth!
Zack and I we really wanted

to come out tonight and address
the long-time Star Trek fans.

We understand you guys
are concerned about

the way that we're handling
your beloved franchise.

But don't worry, we've gone
to great lengths to ensure this film

fits flawlessly in
with the established canon.

Absolutely Zack, all the stardates
we use correspond perfectly

with the ones used in the original
series, and in "The Next Generation".

And our movie takes the time to explore
the origins of the Kolinahr Ceremony,

and its fascinating connection
to the Pon'Farr marriage ritual.

And, I swear that the transponders
in the Enterprise...

utilize the...

God, I've no idea
what I'm talking about.

Neither do I
but, you guys, please...

you have got to stop harassing us.

- You're getting harassed?
- Yeah, you have no idea Seth,

how insane
some of these fans can be.

I'm getting angry calls
in the middle of the night.

I think they're angry,
I can't understand them.

They're speaking
in Klingon or Hebrew.

And my mailbox
keep getting vandalized,

it's full with decapitated action
figures and empty inhaler canisters.

And they tie knots to rocks
and they're throwing 'em at my windows.

It's scratching the glass!

The rocks don't break the windows?

No, they're clearly not
throwing them hard enough.

I guess I'm just surprised that
you are being intimidated by Trekkies.

They can be really intimidating.
I mean, look.

I will kill you

A little intimidating.

We just really want them
to come out and see the movie.

They will come, they will come.

Leonard, what if they reject Chris
and me as the new Kirk and Spock?

Gentlemen, I've spent many years
of my life among Trekkies...

Trekkers.

And they have been
some of the greatest years of my life.

And while that may take time,
I believe that soon,

they will find you Chris, to be equal
to the original Captain Kirk.

And you, Zachary,

to be slightly less than equal
to the original Spock.

But ultimately okay.

You think they're gonna
like the film on it?

- To not like it would...
- I know!

I know what you're gonna say! To not
like it would be highly illogical.

I was going to say: to not like it
would make them dickheads.

The Star Trek cast everyone!
Happy Mother's Day!

It's the Barry Gibb Talk Show.

Here we are

Tonight, Barry's guests are...

In a room full of strangers

Speaker of the House,
Nancy Pelosi...

Discussing politics

CNN commentator, Roland S. Martin...

And the issues of the day

NYU Economics Professor...

Well, I want to talk to you

Nouriel Roubini.

Though you may not want me to

And as always...

I'm still gonna talk to you

Barry's brother, Robin.

I don't care what you say

Talking it up

On the Barry Gibb Talk Show

Talking about issues

Talking about real important issues

Talking it up

On the Barry Gibb Talk Show

Checking out politics

In this crazy, crazy town

Ladies and gentlemen, your host,

Barry Gibb!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We've got a great show
for you tonight.

This is my show,

and it's a no-nonsense show.

I will not take any crap
from anybody.

Let's get down to business.

This week,

Fed Chairman Ben Shalom Bernanke
said that the U.S. economy

will pick up later this year.

Robin, do you have any thoughts?

No, I don't.

Do you agree
with Chairman Bernanke's

rosy assessment
about financial future?

I do, Barry, but it's also important

that we discover the causes
of our current situation.

And the first step is the formation

of an impartial
investigatory committee.

A committee?

A committee?
That's your answer to the...

worst financial disaster
since the Great Depression?

Are you out of your mother-loving
dope-smoking hippie mind?

No, I...

Don't you dare contradict me
at my show! Do you hear me, buggers?

I'm Barry effing Gibb!

Nouriel Roubini...

You were one of the first people

to predict this kind
of economic crisis.

I think
that you're a visionary genius.

Well, I don't know about that.

I do, and I think you're a genius.

- Genius might be a little much.
- Are you correcting me?

On my own show?

You think I'm a child! That I'm a baby
with a pacifier in my mouth!

I have an opinion, it's important!

I don't know how to pass an euphemism
that talks to the committee of ****

- like the elbow patches.
- No, I didn't mean to say...

I got a degree from the streets
of Melbourne, Australia.

So, help me God, I have a buckknife
on my shoe I would split you up

like a soft shell crab and wear
your carcass like a raincoat.

Wear your carcass

like a raincoat

Do you have...

anything to add?

No, I don't.

Robin, please.

Just say something.

Anything.

Pretend no one's here,
no one's watching.

Robin, talk to your brother.

Talk to Barry.

Please talk to your brother

And say what you want to say

- Let's introduce the next guest's name.
- Fine.

Roland S. Martin

CNN political consultant

Thank you, Barry and Robin.

I want to say that this is my favorite
political forum on television.

That is, of course, next to the program
I am currently hosting

CNN's "No bias, no bull".

- Did you just plug your show...
- Don't.

- on my show?
- Don't.

Did he just plug his show...

What does this look like? An infomercial?
What am I, the ShamWow guy?

You know who I am?

I sang a duet
with Barbara Streisand!

Did you know that I'm Australian?
My middle name is Crompton.

I am Barry Gibb.
I will rip out your anus

and double dutch,
jump rope with them.

Double dutch
Jump rope with your anus

That's all the time we have.

We have been...

Talking it up

On the Barry Gibb Talk Show

Talking about chest hair

Talking about crazy cool medallions

Talking it up

On the Barry Gibb Talk Show

Checking out politics

In this crazy, crazy town...

The GPS has discovered a cargo ship
entering Kenyan waters.

Very good!

Let's unpack our new shipment
of weapons and render them in.

What is this?

A plastic sword and a cap gun.

This was suppose to be AK
and missile rifles and rocket launchers.

- What has happened here?
- Perhaps it was a shipping error.

A shipping error?

These are toys!

We're pirates!

Who has my weapons?

Pirate of the Caribbean
street performers,

show starts in 5 minutes.

Thanks Dave,
we're just unpacking our new weapons.

This doesn't feel right.

I guess they're trying
to make the show edgier.

I love it.

They're really heavy for fake guns.

Gillian, stop complaining.

Now, bring it in, guys.

Let's have the best show ever.

Sir, slow down!

According to our records,

you did receive
a shipment of weapons.

But this is what
I'm trying to tell you.

They are pirates' weapons
but they're wrong kind of weapons.

- The wrong kind of weapons.
- Stop it!

- They are for an important job!
- They're for a job.

No, a shipping credit
will not fix anything!

It won't fix anything.

- It's not funny.
- Happy Birthday to you...

- Oh my God, these are real guns!
- I told you they were heavy.

This is really bad.

You guys, is anybody else cold?

Lance!

Lie down, Lance.

You're gonna be okay.

I don't think that I am.

But it's okay,

because for just one day

we got to be real pirates.

And wasn't that always our dream?

My dream is to be
in the Little Mermaid Show.

- Gillian!
- What? It's my dream.

We need to keep our cool.

That's right, run you fat bastards!

Becky what has gotten into you?

Don't pretend like you've never wanted
to shoot at a tourist.

With their flip-flops,
fanny packs and sunburns.

This is a good day.

A very good day!

Here's a fast pass back to Hell,
you churro-loving sons of bitches!

Evan, I have a confession to make.
I think I shot Pluto.

- Why would you do that?
- I panicked.

But those suits are thick, right?
Thick enough to stop a bullet, right?

- What are we gonna do?
- I hope the manager doesn't see.

Very good show, very good energy.

Are you being sarcastic, Dave?

I don't know, let me see.
You, guys...

are supposed to act out scenes from one
of our most popular movie franchises

and instead you open fire
on a crowd of families.

I think
that might have been sarcastic.

I need Thursday off.

Allow us to board you
or we will open fire!

Why not?

Because you have toy swords
and guns.

I told you this wouldn't work!

That is not helping.

SATURDAY NIGHT SUB
Boogawanga, Batefer, So.