Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 34, Episode 16 - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers - full transcript

Please let us know,
because we're all here waiting.

Here's the deal.

Pelosi says the Democratic House
and Senate members

want to work out
their version of the bill,

and then show it
to us for our input.

So basically, we're being cut out.

Looks that way.

That's great.

Perfect. They're not
letting us participate at all.

- It's like we don't even exist.
- We're totally powerless.

You're right. It's just
what we hoped for. Complete...



political irrelevance.

Now...

when the stimulus bill
causes the economy to go bad,

I think we could actually
have a bad economy.

We get to say, "Don't blame us.
We had nothing to do with it.

"We wanted to leave
the economy alone."

Exactly. Unless
I've lost my political instincts,

that, my friends,
is a winning campaign issue.

So barring some miracle,
next election

we're back in the majority.

You can take it to the bank.

I can't believe he's playing
into our hands like this.

Speaking of playing into our hands,

did anyone catch the president's
press conference this week?



What a disaster.

The single most embarrassing
public appearance

by a U.S. President in history.

Did you see that 1st question,
asked about the state of the economy

and he proceeds to give
a detailed 7-minute answer

citing specific figures
on unemployment,

mortgage default rates
and credit markets

and making the case
for government intervention.

I'm like, "OK, what?"

Hello?
Too much information.

You had me then you lost me.

It was painful to watch.

I actually felt sorry for the guy.

If it was a fight,
they would have stopped it.

How about when he said,
I kid you not, he actually said this:

"One thing I'm not going to do

"is go back to the failed policies
of the last 8 years."

Air ball!

A swing and a miss.

- Definitely not his best moment.
- That one rolled foul.

Sean Hannity had a great line
about the press conference.

He said, "This is change
we can believe in?

"Not if you ask me."

That is hilarious.

That's a great line.

- Hannity's brilliant.
- Smartest man in America.

Wait a minute. Sean Hannity
is the smartest man in America?

In my opinion.

Smarter than Rush?

I think he's as smart as Rush.

That's idiotic. No one
is as smart as Rush Limbaugh.

You need to take that back!

A man's entitled to his opinion.

I'm sorry. Some things
are just be on the pale.

As Republicans,

we don't have to agree
on everything.

You like Rush,

Eric here likes Sean

and someone else
like Michael Savage.

We're a big tent party,

but at the end of the day
we stick together

and that's the reason
we're on such a hot streak.

I agree. Our party
is at the top of its game,

and that's why now
is the perfect time

for impeachment.

We're united.
We'll get every Republican vote.

I don't know.

Remember...

Obama's only been president
for 3 weeks.

I'm telling you, impeaching Obama

is a political winner.

No question about that.

I just wonder if

you're going to get many Democrats
to vote for impeachment.

I think they will.

After that press conference Monday?

P- you.

He laid an egg with that one.

Unless I'm very wrong

a lot of democrats we'll be
looking to cut this guy loose.

For them, impeachment
is the smart move.

My gut tells me it's too soon.

Maybe in April.

Can we at least raise the issue
of the White House sleep-overs?

Refresh my memory.

The President said recently
that his daughters

will be inviting their friends over
to the White House for sleep-overs.

It's a dynamite issue.
We're talking about God knows

how many 7 to 10-year-old girls

staying over at the White House,
wandering around,

causing who knows how much
wear and tear on the carpeting?

To say nothing
of the increased utility bills

and the cost of the snacks involved?

Why should the American taxpayer
be footing the bill for this madness?

Unless I'm politically tone-deaf,

the whole country

is waiting to see those Obama kids
taken down a peg.

Especially the younger one.

I agree.

Going after the Obama girls
is political gold.

But it's got to be done

very carefully.
I'll tell you why.

Otherwise, there's a chance

it could be counter-productive.

Hang on.

I see.

Thank you for calling.

That was Pelosi.

They're nowhere near finished,
so they decided to adjourn for today.

The entire Washington
press corps is outside.

What are we supposed to talk about?

How about the sleep-overs?
It's the perfect time.

Young man,

I like your instincts.
Let's do it!

Majority...

here we come!

And before I forget...

Live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org

S. 34 Ep. 16 - 14 Feb. 2009
Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

It's great to be here again
hosting Saturday Night Live.

A lot of exciting things
have been happening for me

since the last time I was here.

But before I get to that,
I want to take a moment to say,

thank you, Christian Bale.

Who has replaced me
as the person most synonymous

with recorded celebrity meltdowns.

Since the last time I've been here,

I've won an Emmy and a Golden Globe
and a SAG award for 30 Rock.

You're too kind.

But I'm not a believer
in individual honors.

30 Rock is an ensemble effort
and as luck would have it,

one of my colleagues from the show,

a personal friend of mine,
is here tonight.

You...

And by "you", I mean America...

might not know him yet,

but I think he's great.
Ladies and gentlemen,

Jack McBrayer.

That's enough!

I said, that's enough!

Shut up!

That's enough.

I'd love to spend more time on Jack,

but we have to move on
to questions from the audience.

- I'm so nervous.
- It's OK.

Ask away.

It's actually a question
for Jack McBrayer.

Very well.

You're my favorite part of 30 Rock.

If I may, that's not really a question,
it's more of a statement, an opinion.

I'm talking to Jack.

Who is your favorite person
on 30 Rock to work with?

It's such a talented group.

I guess If I had to pick
a favorite...

I would say that I can't.
I like them all equally.

You can't name one, really?

I'm right here.

I got a question.

Go right ahead.

Did you ever meet Tina Fey?

Yes, obviously.

Did you ever meet Jack McBrayer?

He's right here.

He is?

The star of 30 Rock.

Where were you at the beginning?

I was getting something to eat.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I take a picture?

They normally don't allow
cameras, but go ahead.

Jack can you get up there?

Would you? Thank you.

Just one more for safety.

I just want to say I loved you
in Glenngary Glenn Ross.

I was talking to Jack.

I was in the community theater version
of Glenngary Glenn Ross

back in Conyers, Georgia.

"Always be closing, please."

It was a real thrill.

We were the ones who were thrilled.

One last question.

Are you ever going to host?

I hope to, someday.

Just once or twice, though,
not a whole bunch of times.

I don't want to seem desperate.

Then, Jack,
why don't we get a head start?

You mean it?

Let's do this.

We've got a great show.
The Jonas Brothers are here!

So stick around.
We'll be right back.

It's sounds really off.
Is something wrong?

Do we really have to do it?

It was a unanimous vote.
We have to kick him out of the band.

- But he is our brother.
- You don't think I know that?

Sorry I'm late.

Security guard was all,
"You're parked in the wrong spot."

So I was all, "I'm Gary Jonas,
I'll park wherever I want."

And he was all,

"Your spot's two spots over.
Why don't you move?"

I then hit him in the head
with my sax and I ran over here.

How funny is that?

It's not that funny.

Nick's always so serious.

If I wanted your 16-year-old advice,
I would have asked for it.

Let's not forget,
I'm the oldest Jonas.

How could we forget?

Are you putting out
an album of whisper songs?

If not, maybe you should speak up
when you address your oldest brother.

Let's just calm down.

I'll decide who does what
around here.

I'm the oldest Jonas.

By two years.

I'm sorry I blew my top.

Before we get back to rehearsal,

I had a great idea.
What if we changed our name

to the Doughnut Brothers?

I think it can get us a really cool
sponsorship deal. Solid, right?

I don't think we should do that.

I think we should vote.

Let's remember, as the oldest brother,
my vote is worth double.

All in favor
of the Doughnut Brothers?

All opposed?

Damn.

Congratulations,
you guys officially hate success.

Actually, we voted on
something else a little bit earlier.

What would that be?

We're thinking the Jonas Brothers
should be a three-man group.

I'm sorry, Nick.

But I have to agree with them.
You're weird, creepy and you smell bad.

- We're not voting Nick out.
- I'm glad.

Nick, you've always been
my favorite.

Try to forget the stuff I said about you
being weird and creepy and smelly.

So, who is it then?

That makes sense.
He's not one of us.

His straight hair, his eyebrows look
like they were drawn in with a sharpie.

It's you.

You're joking.

We're not.

Maybe you've all forgotten
that my vote is worth two.

- It won't matter.
- We'll see about that.

All in favor of me staying,
quickly for Gary?

All opposed?

Please let that be it.

Damn.

I hope you guys like riots.

That's what you're going to get when
there's no Gary at your next concert.

I think we'll be OK.

Where is this all coming from?

You broke all our rules.

Which rules?

You drink, you smoke.
And we're pretty sure you do drugs.

First of all, I thought
those rules were optional.

Second of all, I was pretty high
when you told them to me.

We're sorry.

I'm your brother.
How can you do this to me?

When you showed up last week
and said you were our long-lost brother,

we got a little nervous and checking
into it and got a private investigator.

I'm going to stop you right there.
I know, you're jealous of me.

You think the girls can't take
their eyes off me, and you're right.

So I will leave...

But guys, come on!

We're the Doughnut Brothers!

- We're not!
- It was worth a shot.

If I'm out of the band,
I guess you want my ring back.

You can keep your purity ring.

Purity ring?

What's a purity ring?

In that case you're definitely
going to want this back.

I would wash that. Better yet,

just throw it in the garbage,
because it is broken.

You have to go.

I quit.

- You can't quit.
- Just let him go.

I'm out of here.
You're a bunch of weirdos.

Especially you, Nick.

You're the weirdest.

- My name's not Gary.
- What is it?

Not the one you're thinking of,
not the one from 30 rock.

I'm out of here.
But seriously, guys...

think about it.

Free doughnuts.

You're weird.

It's The Cougar Den
with Jacklyn Seeken, Toni Ward,

introducing Barbara Lenka.

I am Toni,
and welcome to The Cougar Den.

To my left is one
of my dearest friends, Jacqueline.

To my right is someone I met
at a mature vitamin section at GNC,

our new friend Barbara.

So, Valentine's day is coming up,

what do you have planned?

I'm going to take a bath
with a cardboard cutout

of Spencer Pratt.

I'm going to suck down
some jell-o shooters.

And wander around USC's campus
wearing a t-shirt that says

"I'll pay you
and this won't get messy."

I don't know if you guys know this,
but I treated myself

to a Jonas Brothers concert
as a pre-Valentine's day...

You deserve it.

- I was thrown out.
- What happened?

I was really rocking out,
pumping my fists...

When my menopause patch flew off
my arm and into a young girl's mouth.

She went into estrogen shock.

Really?

That's all I can say
until the trial is over.

Facebook break!

Becoming a fan of Zach Efron.

25 random things about me.

I'm poking someone.

Kenneth, I'm poking you.

You know I'd poke you back,
but I'm scared something might fall off.

Our first guest
has written a book entitled,

Stop that boy, I want to get on.

Please welcome, Blaine Bagby.

Hello, ladies.

I am major, major...

excited to be here.
As you know, I am a cou-gay.

And as a cou-gay, I face many
of the same obstacles you do,

the biggest being how to keep it
tight and right and in the light.

You tell it, gay cougar.

Even though I'm known in the gay
community for my selfishness,

I can't take full credit.
I co-wrote this with our friend,

Kiki Deamore.

It's so good to be back.

Working with Blaine on this book
was a passion project.

Literary passion, not sexual.

I like young boys,

and he's a gay.

And she has una vahina,
which is una vahina too many for me.

Anyway, we worked on this day

and afternoon on this book.

We spent almost 45 minutes

at the Kinko's.

It's only 30 pages, and I love that.

It's like a pamphlet,
only a little bit thicker.

What would you call that?

A thick pamphlet.

I like them thick up here,

and down there.

We're talking about the pamphlet.
I beg you to stay on track.

My favorite part is in chapter 54

where you talk about checking IDs.

Let me tell you something, sisters,
checking IDs is essential. Because,

these boys will lie,

especially if they think
it's going to get them a snowboard

or a Paul Frank monkey wallet.

Or a hummer in the back of a hummer.

Don't need to tell me.

Last year I met a striking Puerto Rican
man in a McDonald's play place.

After I bought him an Oreo McFlurry,

he told me he was 21
and I took him home.

Three weeks later
I found out he was 12 and a half.

That just made
my wig system stand on end.

And my extension fell out.

You know what I do
when my extensions fall out?

I braid them, put a bead on them,
tie them. Boom, it's a bracelet.

PedEgg break.

Our PedEgg reservoir is full.

A lot of shavings.

The chamber is full of shavings.

What you need to worry
about shaving is your upper lips.

Now it's time to introduce
our new boyfriends.

- Come on out, guys.
- Come to mama.

These boys are so delicious,
they're like 3 hot Cuban sandwiches

with pickles and I like it,
the pickles.

Sit down.

I'm all right.

Do you see the chemistry
that is going on here?

It is palpable.

The only chemistry I see
is the chemistry of your bodies

breaking down.

What's wrong with Kiki?

Get them out of here!
She's going to pounce!

Put them some place safe,
like my dressing room.

That's all the time we have.
Join us next week

when we bring you our annual show
from Diane Lane's front yard.

What's up, Andy?

The jig.

The jig is up.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about your secret.

I know what it is.

And I have the VHS tape to prove it.

Where's the VCR?

You turds got anything to say
before I play this?

Those guys look familiar,
wouldn't you say?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

This tape is from 1983.

- You're crazy.
- Shall we watch another one?

That's from 25 years ago.

- It really holds up.
- That's not the point.

What are you?

- Highlanders?
- Come on, man.

Let's just watch another one,
then, just as fans.

Busted. Just admit it.

- It proves anything.
- One more.

- How much money do you want?
- Shut up.

- I'm not going to throw it all away.
- I don't want your money.

I just want to know
how you stayed so young.

This guy.

What up, dude?

Crazy, right?

Look at these women.

I know what you're thinking.
Do they really look like this?

The answer is no.

These photos have been
professionally retouched

and I know what else you're thinking.
Where's the butt?

How're you doing?
I'm sir Mix-a-lot.

I may have quit making hits,
but I never quit liking big butts.

That's why I opened
Sir Mix-A-Lot's Photo Shop.

'Cause we're the only photo lab
that has enlarging butt affairs

{pos(192,235)}We'll handle your order quickly

Professionally and efficiently
You can toss it

And leave it and
Pull up quick to retrieve it

Look at my butt.

It is so big,

and I love it.

Thanks, sir Mix-a-lot.

We handle all kinds
of blemishes. Acne?

No one will notice her acne now.

Who can focus on wrinkles
with an ass like that?

You want to crop someone out of
a photo, perhaps after a messy divorce.

Somebody's back in the game.

We put every photo through
a rigorous evaluation process.

To ensure that the butt is large enough
I show each and every photo to Sniffles,

my pet anaconda.
Because you see...

My anaconda don't want none

Unless you got buns, hon.

He likes it.

You'll like our new two
for one sale.

Or better known as the...

{pos(340,255)}SPECIAL.

{pos(192,225)}So come to my photo shop

If you need to get your photos cropped
If your photos need resizing

Or you need a little extra thigh

Fellows!

This is an expert photo shop

Take it

Take these photos
And enhance the butt

Baby wants back

Come on down
and we'll enhance your butt.

I'm Seth Meyers and
here are tonight's top stories.

The Senate, on Friday,

gave final approval
to the $787 billion

economic stimulus package.

The 1,073-page bill is titled

The American Recovery
And Reinvestment Act.

Though, what many see
as a troubling sign, it's subtitled

"For dummies."

NASA reported that two communications
satellites, on Tuesday,

collided in orbit, which explains
why my OnStar kept screaming,

"Save yourself!"

Barack Obama, on Tuesday,
became the tenth American president

to call on Helen Thomas
at a White House press conference.

She asked the same first question
she always does,

"How will you end slavery?"

In an interview with ESPN,

Alex Rodriguez admitted, Monday,
that he's taken steroids,

though apparently, never in October.

Yesterday, the economic stimulus
package was passed by the Senate.

Here to comment is Weekend update's
very own financial expert,

Oscar Rogers.

How are you?

- You seem like you're in good spirits.
- I am. I really am.

I've appeared on the show
several times, in order to illustrate

how we might fix
our present economic woes.

And I'm thrilled to announce
it has been fixed.

Obama and his stimulus plan
fixed it!

So you're not worried at all
that the stimulus might falter?

They fixed it!

- But what...
- Fixed it!

This influx of money
into our economy will fix it,

and now with Valentine's upon us,
we can celebrate and do it!

What are you talking about?

Do it.

Doing it with your valentine.

- You have a valentine?
- Not at the moment.

You need to fix that,

so you can do it

with your valentine.
It's a three-step process.

Do it.

Rest yourself.

Three, do it once more.

Four, bag it up and do it again.

First of all,
that was a four-step process.

- I work with numbers.
- Do you?

Let me make sure
I understand you correctly.

The economy has been fixed
and now it's time to have sex?

I didn't say that.
I said it was time to do it.

It needs to be dirty.
'Cause once it's fixed,

it's time to do it!

While on a good will trip
to Sierra Leone,

actress Salma Hayek nursed
another woman's baby boy.

However the moment was marred
when the baby burst.

Hayek said she nursed the boy
because she noticed he was hungry

and a related story...

Hey, sweet pea.

- What are you doing here?
- I heard a baby crying.

That was me. It was a joke.

So, is there a baby out here?

There's no baby here.

Is that a baby?

That's a cameraman.

What's that he's holding?
Is that a baby?

That's a camera.

Let me know if you see
any babies, sugarplum.

Are you excited about the Oscars?

Federal prosecutors
want to send former mayor

and current Washington, D.C.
Council member, Marion Barry, to jail

because they say he failed
to file tax returns

for 8 of the last 9 years.

Barry is expected to plead,
"Bitch set me up."

Dr. Michael Kamrava,
the in vitro fertilisation specialist,

who helped Nadia Suleman
conceive 8 babies

has reportedly impregnated
a 49 woman with quadruplets.

I don't know what an appointment
with Dr. Kamrava is like.

I imagine it starts
a little something like this.

As the Oscars approach, coverage
and criticism of the various nominees

has been ramping up,
especially among celebrity bloggers.

Here with a no holds
barred commentary

from the notoriously snarky website,
bitchpleeze.com,

blogger, Angie Tempura.

It's a thrill to be here.

Go ahead.

Here's who's hot

and who's definitely not.

In best supporting actress,

Amy Adams.

As a princess in Enchanted,

she's hot.

As a nun in Doubt,

she's not.

Bitch, please.

Speaking of doubt,

I doubt Marisa Tomei will win

with those b-cups.

And, Taraji P. Hanson,

WTF,

is that a name?

Or a blood disease?

That is pretty critical.

Let me just ask,
is blogging your full-time job?

I do data entry
at Kaiser Permanente.

Continue.

Best schmactor,

here's who should win the Oscar,

the grouch award,

Brad The Pitts

for his role in

"The Curious Case
of Some Old Man Baby."

Speaking of old men,

Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon.

More like,

who's that and who gives a f?

Don't get me started
on Robert The Downer Jr.

I hope he doesn't win anything ever

except first place
in a human stain contest.

Why do you hate
these people so much?

Because they're losers.

Can just I ask you one thing?
Do you know who the president is?

And can you find
North America on this map?

And what's the name
of that brown-haired guy on TMZ?

- Harvey Levin.
- That's enough.

Get out of here. Drink your coffee.
Have some coffee.

Colonel Sanders' handwritten recipe
for fried chicken

was returned to KFC headquarters
in Kentucky this week

after 5 months in hiding
while security around it was upgraded.

Spoiler alert, it's salt everybody.
The secret ingredient is salt.

A homeless man in Florida
who claimed to be the drummer

for the rock band Foreigner
allegedly tricked a woman

into letting him use her Corvette
and promptly crashed it.

Fortunately, he got out of jail in time
to make his appearance on Letterman.

Joaquin Phoenix.

What's up, man?

I just heard you were quitting
acting to pursue a hip-hop career.

Good for you.

But now I'm quitting hip-hop

to pursue

a telling jokes career.

A telling jokes career?

Lights.

Since you're out here,
do you want to tell a joke?

Tiger woods' wife gave birth

to the couple's second child.

It's a baby boy

who came in at 7 pounds,
8 ounces under par.

We need better security out here.

Or people's creeping up on me.

Police in Ohio say
an 18-year-old ordered more

than $37,000 worth of candy online

and charged the bill
to his former high school. If you're 18

and the only thing you can think of
is to spend $37,000 on is candy,

maybe a little jail time
will do you some good.

Today is Valentine's day, so we want
to say to everyone watching at home,

better luck next year.

For Weekend Update,
I'm Seth Meyers. Good night.

You're watching TV Land, which means
you've liked the same stuff

for 40 years.

Good for you.
Up next,

Vincent Price's
Valentine's day special.

Valentine's day.

That special day when
your pulse quickens... Wait!

The other right.

Valentine's day, that special day when
your pulse quickens, not with your...

You're doing it again.

Go to the package.

Now, Colgate presents:

Please welcome your host,
Lord of the Shadows,

Vincent Price!

Good evening.

For 364 days out of the year,

the sight of a diapered baby man

with a bow and arrow
would be cause for alarm,

but today it is cause
for celebration.

So tonight,
we have decided to invite

our favorite couples
over to exchange valentines

and teach us
the true meaning of love!

First, let's welcome
Tinsel Town's favorite lovers,

Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

Where do you keep your scotch?

I ran out on the drive over.

- Where's Elizabeth?
- She's in the car.

We got into a fight.
She says I'm unkind.

That foul, insolent cow of a woman.

The theme of our show,
after all is true love.

There's nothing on earth
I love more than that woman.

Dear God, she's discovered the horn.

There is only one thing
that can cure this rage.

Where do you keep your meat?
I need meats and butters.

And a basket and a stick

and some twine
to affix the basket to the stick.

I'll let you know what I find.

The door.
Not a minute too soon.

Joining us now from the hit
Broadway show Hello Dolly,

the radiant Carol Channing
and her husband Charles.

Raspberries!

Where is Charles, your valentine?

I thought you said
to bring the Ballantines.

Please and thank you.

We're over 2 on couples,

but fortunately, we're going
to be treated to some romantic music

with Liberace
and his female companion.

Hello Vincent,

and hello young lovers.

Where's your date?

The fleet shipped out yesterday.

A secret isn't a secret
when you make no effort to hide it.

Just because it's Valentine's day
doesn't mean we can't get a bit spooky.

I was wondering if you would like
some chocolates.

I just hope things
don't get out of hand.

Did someone move this box?

Do you mind if I take 2 chocolates?

Four chocolates?

- All the chocolates?
- Go for it.

Here!

Feed,

graze.

Does this speak at you?
You, Wolverine!

You, shut that woman up!

That woman is an angel.
And don't you ever forget it.

Me and the hand have hit it off.

We're in love.

What's so great about a strange hand
sticking through a hole?

- Plenty.
- Watch it, Liberace!

You're not at home.

Now, to conclude our show,

I will serenade our...

lovers.

My funny valentine

Sweet comic valentine

You make me smile

With my heart

What's going on here?

- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.

Is there someone here who doesn't like
watching a man and a woman make love?

Why can't you two
just behave like Carol?

Where's the hand?

I'll never tell.

Let's wrap it up!

Lovers in the night
Fear not the racing of your heart

You may just be

In love

Happy Valentine's day, everybody!

How long do I have to keep tug on
this thing before something happens?

Don't say it.

This has been Vincent Price's
Valentine's Day Special.

Thanks for watching.

Troy, Jerry,
so sorry to keep you waiting.

I was on the conference call
from hell.

I've been there, Carl.
Don't worry about it.

I knew this was
a tough day for you and Troy.

With all of our hectic schedules,
I'm just happy we were able

to find a day
that worked for all of us.

Thanks for understanding.

Carol, hold my calls.

Before we start,
maybe we should pick a date

for our next meeting
so we can get that out of the way.

That's a great idea.

We're going to be buried up
to our chin straps

once we get going
on this high-profile project.

How is Monday for you guys?

Monday is no good for me.
I'm getting my teeth cleaned.

I got to take my car
into the shop for an oil change.

Tuesday?

Tuesday's no good for me.
I have to get fitted for a new toupee.

This one doesn't quite give me
the coverage I was hoping for.

- Wednesday?
- I can't do Wednesday.

I got to pick up my aunt
and bring her across town.

It's not going to be easy.
She weighs 400 pounds.

This is gonna be harder
than I thought.

Carol, hold my calls.

Thursday?

I can't do Thursday. I'm going
to a briss. I'm kind of nervous.

Hope it doesn't hurt
as much as my first one.

Friday?

I'm having a cattail sown
on my upper butt

so my daughter will want
to play with me.

- She likes cats?
- I sure hope she does.

I hate to work on weekends,

but again, this is
a high-profile project.

We're going to be buried up
to our chinstraps.

So, what do you have on Saturday?

I'm out for Saturday.
I got to tell my son he's gay.

I don't imagine he and his wife
are going to take it very well.

Sunday?

I don't know,
how long does an autopsy take?

- Generally 4 hours.
- Four times five...

Sunday is out for me.

How about Monday?

I'm having my collarbone removed
so I can fit through a doggy door.

- Your daughter loves puppies?
- I'm just locked out of the house.

Reminder.

High profile, chinstraps.

Next Monday?

Next Monday is bad for me.

I'll be in a gas station
bathroom in Queens.

They have a glory hole
I really enjoy.

I'm volunteering
at a glory hole on Monday.

- 11:30?
- 11:30.

- No way, where?
- 73rd and Broadway.

- See you there.
- You won't. It's a glory hole.

Boys we're really in a jam here.

I'll say.

We need to come at this
from a new angle.

Great idea.
Carol, let a call through.

Talk to me.

I just got fired.

I guess that frees up my schedule.
You want to do it right now?

- Sure, I'm free.
- I'd love to do it right now.

Ten more minutes until dinner.

- Let's try to wrap it up.
- Dad, you gotta try this.

It's this awesome game for the Wii.
Get the stack of coins.

Now, shake it. There you go.

- What the hell is this thing?
- It's called Wario Shakes.

You're that little dude
running around

and you attack your enemies
by shaking the hell out of them.

Or you can shake sacks of coins
for more points.

- You want to try?
- I wouldn't know...

Dad, just try it.

I'm the little fat guy?

Run over there and grab that sack.

Shake the coins out of it.

You really have to shake it
if you want to get all the coins.

You got more coins
than I've ever seen.

Not bad for an old man.

- How did you do that?
- I just did what came naturally.

- Do it again.
- I don't think I can so soon.

- Come on. You have to try.
- Can I use my other hand?

It feels so weird.
It's like someone else is playing.

I'm going to switch hand.

That was incredible.

I didn't know video games were
like this. Can we do two players?

- You show me your technique.
- There's a massive sack of coins.

I saw them before you did.

I'm gonna empty my sack
before you do!

You're not doing it right.
Stop being so gentle with that thing.

Let me show you.

What's going on down there?

Don't come down.

We're coming.

I'm playing with my Wii!

You guys are having fun.

You have to try this.

- All you got to do...
- Your mother's going to be a natural.

You care about your family.

And you care about the earth.

But sometimes it can seem like we have
to make a choice between the two.

Cloth diapers are easy on the planet

but they're messy and hard to clean.

Disposable diapers are a snap,

but I want to leave a better world
for this little one.

Now, there's another way.

Introducing chewable pampers.

It's all the convenience of a disposable
diaper in an eco-friendly package.

You see, chewable pampers
are 100% edible.

They're made from easily
digestable vegetable fibers.

So, cleanup is all natural,
and no hassle.

Chewable pampers
are super absorbent,

and super delicious.

The secret is our anti-bacterial
flavor crystals.

They activate on contact,

and in no time a full diaper
is safe to eat and

irresistible.
In great flavors like

tangy cheddar,

spicy lentil and corn chowder.

You can smell when it's working.

Almost ready.

Chewable pampers
are all great taste and no waste.

Baked into a savory organic potpie.

As part of a flavorful
nutritious stew.

We're hungry.

Look in the bowl.

Chewable pampers!

What's that smell?

Dinner.

Chewable pampers, a favorite
of mothers everywhere

even mother nature.

Why not to go ride
on a hot air balloon?

You don't have to worry
about terrorists or long lines.

And it's just you and me,
up in the air.

I can see my house from here.
Just kidding.

Why not take a ride in my balloon?

I'll cut you a deal.

Forget about airport security.
See you later, suckers.

I'm taking myself
a hot air balloon ride.

Fresh air.

I'm not one of those college
types that will talk your ear off.

I bought a balloon, it doesn't mean
I think I'm better than everyone else.

Or I can just read a book.

I'm not one of those people
who doesn't know how to be quiet.

So come on over.
Take a ride in my hot air balloon.

It will take you
wherever you want to go.

I promise.

Come ride with me!

I'm award winning
actor Alec Baldwin.

If you're like me, you know
there's nothing more moving in a film

than seeing a character
cough once, very subtly,

to let you know
that later on in that movie

they're going to die.

As an actor I can tell you
that playing these scenes

isn't as easy as it looks.

That's why volume 72
of my DVD series,

"Alec Baldwin's
acting techniques for actors"

is...

"First coughs:

"mastering the art of foreshadowing
your character's death."

You'll learn such techniques as

"I'm not even going
to acknowledge it."

That my friend is how you put
a ship inside a bottle.

That is kicking.

Nothing to at all, son.

Now go get washed up, and when you
come back I'll play you some real music.

It's called jazz.

Hurry up.
I don't have all day.

And the audience's favorite
"It's nothing, it's just a cold."

Will you marry me?

- I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.

- You OK?
- It's nothing. It's just a cold.

Beat you down to the lake.

And, of course, the classic,
"I don't need any damn doctors."

Dad, you don't even want
to meet your own grandson?

I just want to be left alone.

You should get that checked out.

I don't need any damn doctors!

Spoiler alert.

He needs a damn doctor.

Once you master those techniques,

you can move on
to more advanced coughs

like the technically demanding,
"Cough into a handkerchief,

"notice that there's blood on it,
look around nervously

"then quickly shove it back
in your pocket and hurry on your way."

What are you waiting for?

Take your acting career
to the next level with

"First coughs."

It's nothing. It's just a cold.

Order now.

SATURDAY NIGHT SUB
Boogawanga, So.