Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 36, Episode 6 - Scarlett Johansson/Arcade Fire - full transcript
America's premiere sketch-comedy show returns for its 36th season LIVE from Studio 8H in New York City. This season, the cast includes Fred Armisen, Abby Elliott, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeik...
>>> next on c-span, on Friday,
President obama was in seoul,
South korea, for the annual g-20
Conference where he met
Privately with chinese president
Hu jintao.
>> good afternoon.
Thank you.
Earlier today representatives of
The world's 20 largest economies
Concluded the full session of
The annual g-20 conference.
After which president hu and I
Were able to meet privately.
We had an extraordinarily frank
And wide-ranging discussion on a
Variety of topics from trade
Practices to currency
Devaluation to labor standards
To global climate change.
I left convinced that relations
Between the United States and
China remain strong and will
Only grow stronger.
President hu.
>> translator: Thank you,
President obama.
President obama is absolutely
Correct.
In our meeting, we spoke Candidly
about a wide array of Issues.
Everything under the sun.
No topic was off limits.
You name it, we covered it.
In fact -- and correct me if I'm
Wrong -- the only thing we
Didn't talk about is the matter
Of your country owing china a
Great deal of money.
How about $800 billion,
Actually.
Strangely, that is the one
Subject we did not discuss.
>> the United States is well
Aware of its debt to china.
>> translator: I kept waiting
For you to bring it up.
And when you didn't, I thought
To myself, did he already pay us
Back and I just forgot?
Or perhaps the money arrived
After I left for this
Conference.
But I checked with my office,
And they haven't received it.
>> as president hu will recall,
We discussed this issue a year
Ago.
As I said at the time, the
United states fully intends to
Honor its debt.
>> translator: So did you bring
The check?
>> I promise you you're going to
Get your money.
>> all right.
Then that's good enough for me.
But say, do you mind if we turn
Off the lights?
>> I'm sorry, I do not
Understand.
>> I like to have the lights off
When someone is doing sex to me!
>> please, mr. President.
Let's not have this again.
Obviously, it's no secret that
My country's recovery from the
Recession has been slower than
Expected.
>> translator: We know all about
Your economic problems.
That's why we were so surprised
To see you embark on this
Ten-day vacation to asia.
That is costing $200 million a
Day.
>> now, hold on.
I don't know where you heard
That, but this trip is not
Costing $200 million a day.
>> that's not what glenn beck
Says.
>> again, let me be clear.
Glenn beck has no idea what he's
Talking about.
>> translator: He was right
About buying gold.
>> I think we're getting off the
Subject.
>> translator: My government
Should have bought gold.
Unfortunately, all our assets
Were tied up in u.S. Treasury
Bills.
>> I know.
>> translator: I understand your
Next stop is japan?
>> that's right.
We leave for tokyo tonight.
>> translator: Please tell me
You don't owe them money, too.
>> uh, mr. President, my country
Will repay all its foreign
Vittwi
Creditors.
>> translator: Okay.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm not worried anymore.
But just do me one favor.
Would you gently bite the back
Of my neck?
>> please, there's really no
Need for this.
>> translator: I'll tell you why
I ask.
I like to have my neck bitten
When someone is doing sex to me!
[ laughter ]
>> please, mr. President.
>> translator: Tell me, when you
Finish this trip and do finally
Get back to america, exactly how
Do you plan to restore your
Nation's economy so we can get
Our money?
>> as I've said many times, the
Solution to my country's
Economic problems lies in the
New green economy.
Good, high-paying green jobs are
The answer.
>> translator: Green jobs.
>> yes.
Green jobs.
>> translator: Have you by any
Chance mistaken me for miss
Universe?
>> I'm sorry?
>> translator: Have you mistaken
Me for miss universe?
>> of course not.
>> translator: Then why do you
Insist on doing sex to me as if
I were miss universe?
>> mr. President, once again,
There is really no need.
>> translator: You know, at a
Certain point, it's not even
About the $800 billion.
It's more the lack of respect.
>> mr. President, don't do this.
>> translator: Go ahead.
Be as rough as you like.
>> I'm asking you to stop.
>> translator: You can pull my
Hair or choke me, too.
I don't care anymore.
I just want it to be over.
>> mr. President, please stop.
I beg of you.
>> translator: Very well.
We can continue this later.
In the meantime, live from new
York, it's Saturday night!
Night live"!
With --
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
With fred armisen
Abby elliott
Bill hader
Seth meyers
Bobby moynihan
Andy samberg
Jason sudeikis
Kenan thompson
Kristen wiig
Featuring vanessa bayer
Paul brittain
Taran killiam
Nasim pedrad
Jay pharaoh
Musical guest arcade fire.
And your host,
Scarlett johansson.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Scarlett johansson!
Captions paid for by
nbc-universal television
-- Transcript by --
www.Addic7ed.Com
-- Sync by --
www.InSUBs.Com - Henrique
>>> thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It is great to be hosting
"Saturday night live" for a
Third time.
It's an exciting time for me.
The movie "due date" opened last
Week.
[ cheers and applause ]
I'm not in it, but I'm excited
About it.
I don't have any movies out
Right now, so you may not have
Seen me in a while because when
I'm not promoting something, I
Try to stay out of the tabloids.
I mean, I'm not perfect, but I
Found there were a few simple
Ways for a young celebrity to
Keep a low profile.
Like for starters, wear
Underwear.
I mean, why wouldn't you?
It takes seconds to put on, and
It's comfortable.
Underwear.
It's your friend.
Another way to keep cameras out
Of your life, do not have a show
Where you're followed around by
Cameras.
That's an easy one.
And if you make a sex tape, you
Are not allowed to act surprised
When it ends up on the internet.
Sex tapes are like take-out soup
Containers.
They always leak.
[ laughter ]
If you're desperate to watch
Yourself have sex, use a mirror.
They're like cameras that
Forget.
[ laughter ]
Which makes me wonder, why can't
Celebrities keep it together
These days?
You know, it reminds me of a
Song from the musical,
"chicago."
I should sing it for you
Sometime.
Oh, what the hell, I'll do it
Now.
♪
♪ whatever happened to
Please may I
And yes thank you
And how charming ♪
♪ now every son of a bitch
Is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class ♪
>> hey, scarlett.
>> oh, it's lindsay lohan's
Mother, dina.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I like your song and I'm
Joining in.
[ laughter ]
♪ whatever happened to
Yes mommy
Thank you mother
And don't blame the mother ♪
♪ now everyone's
Throwing stones
From a house made of glass ♪
♪ whatever happened to class ♪
>> do you mind if I chime in?
>> hey, everyone, it's ke$ha.
[ laughter ]
What are you doing here?
>> I don't know, I woke up here.
[ laughter ]
>> we were just saying that no
One has any class anymore.
>> girls today wouldn't know
Class if it tried to kiss them
And puked in their mouth.
♪ oh there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now
There's only pigs and whores ♪
♪ and even kids will knock you
Down so they can pass
Nobody's got no class ♪
♪ people get their news
Today from tmz
♪ every girl's made a sex tape
For free ♪
♪ nobody's got no class
Every girl is a fool
Every guy is a tool ♪
♪ holy shiz, holy shiz
What a shame
What a shame ♪
♪ what became of class ♪
>> dina lohan and ke$ha!
[ applause ]
Oh, and I do have a sex tape out
There somewhere.
If you find it, godspeed.
We've got a great show tonight.
Arcade fire is here.
[ cheers and applause ]
So, stick around and we'll be
Right back.
>>> from mtv, the network that
Brought you "16 and pregnant"
And "teen mom" comes a
Groundbreaking new series that
Explores what it means to be
Young, pregnant and fabulous?
It's "my super sweet 16 and
Pregnant."
>> I'm rich, I'm beautiful and
I'm fully dilated.
This is going to be the best
Party ever.
>> go janice.
Go janice.
>> and it gets even more
Pregnant.
Get ready for "america's best
Pregnant dance crew" hosted by
America's favorite dilf, mario
Lopez.
>> from albuquerque, new mexico,
Give it up for stretch marks.
[ cheers ]
>> and there's so much more.
Nick cannon presents "wild and
Out" featuring special guest
Star, a baby.
>> hey, baby, you think you're
All that when you stroller roll
Past me, I smelled your
Diaper, son.
That was nasty.
>> plus, if you like "cribs,"
Then you'll love "cribs."
>> here it is.
>> and finally, from the makers
Of "jersey shore," it's "I'm
Snooki and pregnant."
>> there's a freaking baby in
Here!
>> mtv, maternity television.
[ applause ]
♪
>>> you're watching bravo.
Up next, "millionaire
Matchmaker."
♪
>> love.
Everyone wants it.
But not everyone finds it.
That's why they come to me.
Who am I?
Shut up!
I'm the millionaire matchmaker.
Okay, everybody.
Shut up!
What goomba jew are we helping
This week?
Mohawk, go.
>> actually, our millionaire
This week is a woman.
>> she's a lawyer, she's 33.
>> okay, weird girl, just show
Me her tape.
>> hi.
I'm candace.
I'm 33 years young.
My net worth is $5 million and
Rising.
So, holla!
>> no wonder she's single.
She looks like an ass fraggle.
>> I guess my ideal guy is,
Like, a jock or a beefcake, like
A ripped guy with muscles.
Like sometimes I'll see the
Cover of "men's health" and say
"oh, there's a nice piece of
Ham."
[ light laughter ]
>> okay, this girl only likes
Guys who are way out of her
League.
She's in a fantasy land.
I can't help people like that.
There is no way I'm working with
Her.
Let's go meet her right now.
[ laughter ]
Candace is a sweet girl with a
Lot of great qualities, who
Happens to look like a dog dump.
This girl needs my help.
Today.
Okay.
What are you looking for in a
Man?
>> I guess my dream guy would be
Like brad pitt if he was cuter
And didn't have any children.
[ light laughter ]
>> candace, look at me.
You have champagne taste and an
Ass face.
[ laughter ]
Right now, your bar is way up
Here, and you need to put the
Bar here.
So it covers your face.
[ laughter ]
>> patty's so insightful.
She's like oprah if oprah was
White and really horrible to be
Around.
[ laughter ]
>> so what do you do when you
See a cute guy?
>> I'll kind of wink at him and
Move my shoulders in a sexy,
Come-hither way.
>> show me.
[ laughter ]
>> you look like a visible fart.
[ laughter ]
You know, I tell most girls
"play hard to get," but for you,
If a guy takes it out, you sit
On it.
[ laughter ]
After all my coaching, candace
Was as ready as she'd ever be.
So I rounded up some nice,
Eligible guys perfect for
Someone like her.
Okay.
These guys are the best you can
Hope for.
Which one do you like?
[ laughter ]
>> so do any of you guys, like,
Work out or play sports?
>> I'm in a softball league at
Work.
>> oh.
Really?
>> oh, yeah.
It's pretty fun.
>> aren't you just a sweet piece
Of ham?
♪ laughter ]
>> that's it.
No more mole people.
Did candace find true love?
Who knows? Who cares?
Shut up.
>>> you are watching telecentro
Tv dominicana.
At 6:00, cooking with papaya
Juice followed by the weather.
But first, "the manuel ortiz
Show."
>> hola.
Welcome to my show.
I'm manuel ortiz.
And I'm here to help you with
Whatever it is you're going
Through.
And if I cannot, I am very, very
Sorry.
My first guest has a secret she
Has told no one.
Please welcome jasmine rios.
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> beuneos dias, senora.
>> y tu, manuel, y tu.
>> so, what is this secret you
Have told no one?
>> there is a chance this baby
May not be my husband's baby.
>> how big a chance?
>> I would say pretty big.
>> I see.
How about we bring him out.
Please welcome ace rios.
[ applause ]
♪
>> my friend, your wife has
Something she wants to tell you.
>> ace, this baby may not be
Your baby.
>> okay.
[ laughter ]
>> okay?
>> okay.
>> it might be your best friend
Dexter's baby.
>> okay.
[ laughter ]
Jasmine, are you okay with ace
Being okay?
>> I'm split.
>> would you feel better if I
Told you dexter rojas was in the
Studio?
Let's bring him out.
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> hola, everyone.
Hola.
>> to have fun, to meet new
People?
>> no.
>> no?
>>jasmine has something very
Important to tell you.
>> dexter, I might be carrying
Your baby.
>> so this is why.
>> there is also someone else
Who would like to see you.
[ laughter ]
Your girlfriend.
>> no, not her.
>> please welcome
Rosita consuelos.
[ applause ]
♪
Rosita, you seem very upset.
>> I watch you backstage, and
I'm saying to myself, "this must
Be lies."
Estupido, I will kill you!
>> security!
No!
Security!
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> so, jasmine, we have
Conducted a paternity test.
Would you like to know what we
Found out?
>> si, this is the reason.
>> nurse monica, can you please
Bring out the results?
♪
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> is it me or is the music too
Fast?
Okay, jeremy, we got to get that
Fixed.
Nurse monica, tell us who the
Baby's father is.
>> the resultas indicate the
Padre is --
>> wait.
The baby, it cannot be mine.
Because my peepee don't work.
>> see, his flauta is flaccid.
>> so, do I still need to read
The resultas or --
>> no, nurse monica, you do not.
♪
[ laughter ]
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Jeremy, we have to get that
Fixed.
I'm being told we need to go to
A commercial break.
When we return, hopefully I will
Be able to help jasmine and ace
Put their lives back together.
And if I cannot, I am very, very
Sorry.
♪
[ applause ]
♪
>>> so you my new partner, huh?
I didn't know I was running a
Day-care center.
>> yeah, well, I didn't know I
Was working in a retirement
Home.
♪
[ light laughter ]
>> all right.
>> we have an unmanned train
With eight freight cars with
Hazardous chemicals rolling into
A highly populated area with no
Air brakes.
It's not a train.
It's a missile the size of the
Chrysler building.
>> ha-ha, let's do this, rookie.
>> don't call me rookie, old
Man.
I know trains!
>> where you learn trains, huh?
Thomas the tank engine?
>> and where did you learn
Trains, old man?
From inventing them?
[ laughter ]
>> guys, we need you to stop
That train now.
>> it gets worse.
>> it's on a collision course
With a train full of kids on a
Field trip.
>> it gets worse.
>> the field trip was to a
Petroleum refinery, and they all
Brought home souvenir gasoline.
That's enough to hold hands in a
Circle around the chrysler
Building.
>> what are we gonna do?
>> relax, rugrat, don't soil
Your diaper, huh.
>> don't soil your depends, old
Man.
[ laughter ]
>> ha-ha-ha!
You see, he's insulting me, and
I'm allowing it.
>> guys, what's the status?
>> it seems we're coming to a
Begrudging respect for each
Other.
When we met, we focused on our
Differences.
>> now it appears we have more
In common than we thought.
>> now, what did you want to
Say?
>> a nursing
Home shuttle bus got stuck on
The track.
>> boom!
[ laughter ]
>> there's got to be a way to
Stop it.
>> we're trying to figure that
Out, but we're going through
100 years of files.
It's like trying to find a
Needle in the chrysler building.
>> you're too youg!
>> you're too old!
>> I love this guy.
Okay.
>> here's the worst news yet.
There was a train on top of the
Runaway train that's moving even
Faster than the first train.
That's like a chrysler building
On top of a chrysler building.
>> chug-a-chug-a choo-choo.
>> good news.
We were able to get the runaway
On the emergency track.
>> where does that go?
>> 42nd and lexington in
New york.
>> that's the chrysler building.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> scarlett johansson, look at
You.
>> sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy.
>> whoa!
Look at you.
More like scarlett jo-handsome.
>> good nickname.
[ light laughter ]
I'm brady trump.
>> and I'm anastasia sticks.
Thanks so much for doing this
Interview.
>> I'm thrilled.
I love "hollywood dish."
>> and we love you.
Now.
He's very good.
Yeah, anyway, are we ready to
Get started?
How did you feel about your tony
Award?
>> I've got to be honest.
I was not expecting that at all.
Being on stage in new york, it's
Such an incredible feeling.
The whole experience was
Magical.
I want to do it all over again.
I'm sorry, is there something
Wrong?
>> oh, no, you're doing fine.
We can't talk while you're
Talking.
>> but we want to encourage you.
>> oesh, okay.
I see.
>> I have to ask, what was it
Like working with woody allen?
>> at first I was so intimidated
By him.
I mean because he's such an
Icon.
He's made so many amazing films.
Now we have such a great
Relationship between us.
No, not like that.
We're friends.
>> now, you were in "lost in
Translation."
Do you know any japanese?
>> I can say, like, one thing.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> oh, that sounds romantic.
>> it means where's the
Bathroom.
>> oh.
Do it.
>> do it again.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> okay.
Do it more shy like.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> oh no.
Bigger.
Use your arms.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> okay.
>>are we -- are we almost done
Here?
>> oh, hang on.
Hang on.
I've got to ask you this, okay?
Your husband, ryan reynolds, has
Some pretty big muscles.
Is he big everywhere?
>> what do you mean?
>> does he have a big --
[ whistles ]
[ laughter ]
>> excuse me?
>> we're talking about his --
>> I'm not answering that.
>> come on.
We're just talking about his --
>> stop, stop.
I know exactly what you're
Talking about, and there is no
Way I'm going
To discuss my husband's penis.
>> whoa, our moms are here.
Right behind us.
>> you know what?
I'm sorry.
I don'tean to be rude.
I think I should probably just
Go.
>> wait, one last question, not
Personal at all.
>> we're asking everybody.
Just tell us how excited you are
For the next and probably final
Version of "the jersey shore."
>> you know, I've never seen
That show.
I just don't watch a lot of
Reality television.
[ laughter ]
>> you have great skin.
What's your secret?
>> well, I make sure I never go
To bed with makeup on, and I
Live for sunblock.
The big secret is, I -- okay.
Are you two even listening to
Me?
Okay.
I'm officially annoyed and
Officially leaving.
I can't believe I went on this
Stupid show.
I'm going to fire my publicist.
Thank you for a junky time.
>> wow.
>> she is so cool.
>> cool chick.
Laid back.
>> oh, love her.
>> tonight on "hollywood
Dish" --
>> has starjo lost her mind?
>> at first I was so intimidated
By my husband's penis.
>> is hollywood gaga missing?
>> next on "the hollywood dish."
>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ I used to write
I used to write letters
I used to sign my name
I used to sleep at night ♪
♪ before the flashing lights
Settled deep in my brain
But by the time we met
By the time we met the ♪
♪ times had already changed
So I never wrote a letter
I never took my true heart
I never wrote it down ♪
♪ so when the lights cut out
I was left standing in the
Wilderness downtown
Now our lives are ♪
♪ changing fast
Now our lives are
Changing fast
Hope that something pure ♪
♪ can last
Hope that something pure
Can last
It seems strange ♪
♪ how we used to wait
For letters to arrive
But what's stranger still
Is how something so small ♪
♪ can keep you alive
We used to wait
We used to waste hours
Just walking around ♪
♪ we used to wait
All those wasted lives
In the wilderness downtown
♪
♪ oh we used to wait
Oh we used to wait
Oh we used to wait
Sometimes it never came ♪
♪ sometimes it never came
We used to wait
Still moving through
The pain ♪
♪ I'm gonna write a letter
To my true love
I'm gonna sign my name
Like a patient on a table ♪
♪ I wanna walk again
Gonna move through the pain
Now our lives are
Changing fast ♪
♪ now our lives are
Changing fast
Hope that something pure
Can last ♪
♪ hope that something pure
Can last
Oh we used to wait
Oh we used to wait ♪
♪ oh we used to wait
Sometimes it never came
We used to wait
Sometimes it never came ♪
♪ we used to wait
Still moving through
The pain
We used to wait ♪
♪ we used to wait
We used to wait
Oh yes
We used to wait for it ♪
♪ we used to wait for it
Now we're screaming
Sing the chorus again ♪
♪ we used to wait for it
We used to wait for it
Now we're screaming
Sing the chorus again ♪
♪ I used to wait for it
I used to wait for it
Hear my voice screaming
Sing the chorus again ♪
♪
♪ wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Making friends with other moms
Has
♪
>>> "weekend update" with
Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I'm seth meyers, and here are
Tonight's top stories.
An article on "huffington post"
Yesterday claimed that several
Passages of george wncht bush's
New memoir "decision points"
Were lifted from other books
Including several written by his
Advisers which explains why he
Spent much of the book
Complaining about his boss.
>>one of the new proposals from
A bipartisan commission released
Wednesday suggested that in
Order to bring down the deficit,
The government would need to
Raise the retirement age to 69
By the year 2075.
So the next time a baby is
Crying on your flight, it's
Probably because they just found
Out they're gonna have to work
Until they're 69 in new china.
[ laughter ]
>>> speaking in a video for an
Ad campaign aimed at ending the
Bullying of gay teenagers,
Cindy mccain, the wife of
Senator john mccain, broke with
Her husband and called for the
Repeal of "don't ask, don't
Tell."
Mccain says he and his wife have
Disagreed on other issues too.
Things like, "where am I and
What the hell's going on?"
[ laughter ]
>>> the dallas cowboys Monday
Fired head coach wade phillips
After the 1-7 start this season.
Wow, a brand-new house, a rapid
Downward spiral and now
Unemployment.
They really are america's team.
>>> this week, kanye west
Apologized to former president
George w. Bush for saying he
Doesn't care about black people
During hurricane katrina.
While the president said he
Forgave kanye.
Here to explain are
George w. Bush and kanye west.
[ cheers and applause ]
Good to see you, kanye.
>> I mean, what's up, fam?
>> so everything's good with you
Guys?
>> I know, we had problems and
Now we solved those problems.
Yeah, fam.
>> absolutely.
I love kanye.
I do.
♪ kanye and w. ♪
♪ best of friends united by
Forgiveness ♪
♪ yo recognize, haters.
>> yo, haters.
Come on, recognize.
>> I wouldn't have thought you
Guys had that much in common.
>> sure, we do.
We're both rich.
We're both impulsive.
I mean, he interrupted taylor
Swift at an awards show.
>> that's true.
>> I interrupted how well our
Country was doing for eight
Years.
>> that's right, fam, that's
Right.
No time for haters.
>> that's right.
Kanye's even got me doing the
Twister.
>> twitter.
>> twitter, I'm sorry about
That.
Fam.
You know, he was teaching me how
To tweet.
And I really like it because
It's short.
You just kind of puke out
Whatever's on your mind.
It's also real lenient on
Grammar, and I like that.
>> hey, tell them your twitter,
Fam.
>> sure.
I call myself not so curious
George.
I don't know if you get it.
I didn't get it initially, but I
Get it now.
>> so I have to ask, have you
Guys actually been hanging out?
>> well, yes.
Yes, fam.
I took him sunglass shopping.
>> that's right.
I needed glasses to help me with
All the squinting.
That's when I bought these bad
Boys.
Look at that.
They're designer brand called
Guckies.
>> no, it's gucci.
>> gucci.
I also went down to crawford to
Clear brush.
>> I thought clearing brush was
A white people's term for going
To a club and picking up ugly
Bitches.
>> honest mistake.
Honest mistake.
This guy's a hoot.
You know, I love black people.
I love them.
>> president bush and kanye
West, everyone.
>>> while in israel this week,
Pamela anderson met with
Orthodox lawmakers in an effort
To get them to endorse an animal
Rights bill that would limit the
Production of traditional fur
Hats worn by hasidic jews.
Anderson suggested they wear
Regular hats with just a little
Strip of fur down the middle.
>>> a new study shows that
Drowsy driving is responsible
For nearly 17% of all driving
Fatalities.
That's a lot of blood on your
Hands, prairie home companion.
>>> a woman in florida and her
Boyfriend were arrested after
They allegedly tried to sell her
Infant grandson for $30,000.
Florida, where grandmas have
Boyfriends.
>>> a new survey from
"travel & lee sure" lists
Charleston first in politeness
And philadelphia, pennsylvania,
As also a city.
>>> a fire on the carnival
Cruise ship splendor left over
3,000 passengers stranded in the
Pacific ocean without air
Conditioning, hot food or
Working toilets for three days.
Joining us now to tell us about
Their ordeal aboard the ship,
Passengers frank and gladys
Madden.
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you guys for coming.
>> you're welcome.
Hello.
>> okay.
So mr. And mrs. Madden, I can't
Even begin to imagine what an
Ordeal that trip was like.
>> it was horrible.
It was a nightmare.
>> okay.
So tell us about the cruise.
>> where do I begin?
When we book our cruises, we
Always book the junior suite
Which has a queen bed and couch.
We show up, and we are in a
Junior sleeper which has a queen
Bed.
I go to open the window.
There is no window.
I'm furious.
>> okay.
Well, those actually seem to be
Complaints about the cruise
Itself.
What about the fire and the
Power outage?
>> I'll get to that.
Morning of the second day, I go
To the gym to use the stepper.
One of my few pleasures in life.
I walk in only to find there is
A jumping class.
You heard me, a jumping class.
Middle-aged heavy women jumping.
I turn around, go right back to
My room.
>> that sounds awful.
But surely things got worse when
The power went out.
>> things got worse.
The next night at dinner.
Seth, I've learned not to expect
Much from life.
But when you book a carnival
Cruise, you expect the dessert
Menu to include caramel flan.
We get to dessert, and the
Waiter says, "for dessert, we
Have three types of ice cream."
That's funny because at home, I
Have five types of ice cream.
He goes -- and I berated him.
>> and rightly so.
Frank, can you tell us about the
Power outage?
>> here's another one.
I signed us up for a couples'
Cha-cha class.
This one plays hooky.
I find him at the casino sitting
At the $5 baccarat table.
The jewish james bond over here.
>> what happened when the power
Went out?
>> day three.
I take a lunesta.
Put on my eye shade.
Power goes out.
Alarm never goes off.
I sleep for three days.
And I wake up in san diego being
Interviewed by wolf blitzer.
Who I do not care for.
>> frank, you let her sleep for
Three days?
>> wouldn't you?
>> gladys and frank madden,
Everybody.
[ applause ]
>>> voters in rhode island
Rejected a proposition last week
To change the state's official
Name from state of rhode island
And providence plantations to
Just rhode island, but I think
People are just going to keep
Calling it connecticut's
Foreskin.
>>> a man in pennsylvania was
Arrested after he smoked
Marijuana in the hospital to
Celebrate the birth of his
Child.
Celebrate or cope with?
>>> the first ever starbucks at
Sea was opened this week on a
Royal caribbean cruise ship, and
Somehow there's already a
Homeless guy in the bathroom.
>>> for "weekend update," I'm
Seth meyers!
Good night!
>>> and now back to --
St. Kat's middle school.
>> hey, what's up, guys?
How's it hanging?
Am I right?
>> hey marvin, how did your knee
Surgery go?
>> oh, no problems here.
Doc said I'll be up and walking
In no time.
>> hey marvin, what did you
Think of mr. Conklin's lecture
On the power of positive
Thinking today?
>> oh, I totally enjoyed it.
With positive thinking, you can
Do anything.
>> yeah.
>> exactly.
>> maybe if marvin used positive
Thinking, he could walk.
>> yeah!
>> I don't know, you guys.
I have a broken knee.
>> you'll never know if you
Don't try.
>> you know what?
You're absolutely right.
Okay.
Help me out of this wheelchair.
Okay.
Here we go.
Dang!
Get out of here!
Leave me!
You talked me into this!
Go away!
Go away!
I need to heal!
Leave me by myself!
>> I'm sorry, marvin.
I guess I thought our positive
Thinking would help you walk
Again.
>> I have a broken knee.
Get out of here!
>> I hope marvin doesn't hate
Us.
>> he hit the ground so hard on
His face.
>> hey, guys.
>> marvin.
>> marvin, you're not mad at us
For yesterday, are you?
>> no.
I'm mad at myself for allowing
Me to talk me into walking with
A broken knee.
Deep down I knew it wasn't a
Good idea.
>> hey, marvin, what did you
Think of mr. Conklin's anything
Is possible lecture today?
>> it was good.
I mean, most things are possible
Within reason.
>> marvin, I've been meaning to
Ask you, would you want to go to
The fall dance with me?
>> sure, I'll go with you.
I won't be able to dance, you
Know.
The broken knee.
>> hey, but what about the
Lecture?
Anything is possible?
>> in this case, it's not.
Because my knee's broken.
>> I bet if we played music, you
Wouldn't be saying that.
>> well, I think I'd be saying
That music or no music.
>> hit the music!
>> come on, guys.
Let's get marvin out of this
Wheelchair.
>> three, two, one.
♪
>> I told you!
You don't listen!
My knee!
You knew about my knee!
Why won't y'all listen to me?
Just get out of here!
Leave me alone!
Leave me alone, I tell you!
Go away!
Go away!
>> man, if marvin ever forgives
Us, we'll be so super lucky.
>> hey, how's is hanging, guys?
>> marvin!
>> marvin, we are way sorry.
I just thought about us dancing
Together and nothing else.
>> yeah.
I thought about it long and
Hard, too.
This morning when I was working
My way out of the tub.
You guys arey best friends.
You just don't understand what
Broken knees are bp p about.
I'm partially to blame for that.
>> what did you think of mr.
Conklin's lecture, the sky's the
Limit?
>> I thought it was reckless.
Reckless and irresponsible.
>> it's time for mini tramp
Exercis
Exercises.
>> I think marvin should go
First because the sky's the
Limit.
>> you can't be serious.
>> yeah, kids, marvin can't jump
On the trampoline, right?
>> if marvin doesn't jump, no
Of us jump.
>> where is your brain?
In your butt?
>> okay, okay, okay.
You win.
Marvin, you can jump.
>> I don't want to jump!
You're a teacher!
Don't let this happen!
>> come on, guys.
Let's get him on the tramp.
>> no.
>> marvin!
>> go away!
Leave me be!
Leave me to my regrets!
Go away!
You're animals!
All of you!
Beasts, I tell you!
Get away from my face!
You don't listen!
My knee is broken!
Where's your common sense?
Go away.
>> marvin.
>> get out of here!
>>> next on the day's agenda, a
Very, very special treat.
The winners of our model u.N.
Competition are going to address
The general assembly and present
Their thoughts on world history.
So please welcome.
[ applause
>> hello.
Based on our hours logged
Deliberating at the model u.N.,
Here are our key thoughts on
World history thus far.
2,3,4 --
♪
♪ the holocaust
What was that?
Hiroshima
What was that? ♪
♪ terrorism
What is that all about?
Slavery?
Come on guys ♪
♪ vietnam
What was that?
Nanking massacre
That totally sucked! ♪
♪ and rwanda
Real mature, guys!
Tiananmen square
Give me a break! ♪
♪ the inquisition
What was that?
The khmer rouge
So bogus! ♪
♪ armenian genocide
Unacceptable!
Ethnic cleansing
Talk to the hand! ♪
♪ apartheid
What was that?!
Get it together guys!
You're blowing it! ♪
♪ the middle east
Quit goofin' around!
And these oil spills
Hit the showers! ♪
♪ darfur
What are you guys doing? ♪
♪ but dancing --
That'll set your whole
Shake it off and dance ♪
♪ and dance your troubles away ♪
♪ fight off the evil ♪
♪ because it can't ruin our
Day ♪
♪ now rip your shirt wide open
And dance ♪
♪ come on you guys ♪
♪ dance with a boy and a girl ♪
♪ we're all just people ♪
♪ stand up ♪
♪ you've got to [ bleep ] and
Save the world ♪
>> what was that?
>> hi, y'all.
I'm paula deen, and you know my
Favorite two ingredients to cook
With are butter and oil.
But some people don't want all
That fat in their food.
That's why I'm introducing my
New product.
Paula deen's big old soak 'em
Paper towels, for when you want
To get the fat out of your good
Old southern food.
They are eight ply, y'all.
They really suck on up all that
Butter and oil that y just
Don't wa getting on your
Little ticker.
Watch this, y'all.
I'm going to put one of my
Famous butter-crusted drizzler
Biscuits on a big old piece of
Soak 'em.
And I'm just gonna let it sit
There like a frog on a log.
Let's wait ten seconds.
[ laughter ]
Now, look at that.
Laughter ]
That big old biscuit got all the
Butter and oil just soaked on
Right out of it.
Now that biscuit is a lot
More healthy, y'all.
Also, it tastes like [ bleep ].
[ laughter ]
Look, y'all, just between you,
Me and the chickens, I have to
Suggest this oil draining
Because health professionals are
Really backing up my back bumper
About my food making little
Children fat.
I was a fat child and look how I
Turned out.
I'm on tv, and I have a real
Foxy husband.
He is santalicious.
I'd love to sit on his lap.
And you should see how fat my
Little grandbaby boy is.
He is like a string of plump
Little sausages with a diaper on
It.
I just want to bite him.
He better watch it or I'm going
To put him in the fryer and
Serve him up on a bed of
Buttered noodles.
[ laughter ]
Oh, it is as hot as the devil's
Danglers in this kitchen.
Oh, my mercy me.
[ laughter ]
I am giving off some body butter
Today.
Y'all, please go buy you some of
These soak 'em so people will
Get off my double bubble.
I'm going to take a heat lamp and
put it on my face on my sun Porch.
I'd better put down a soak 'em
Or I'm going to ruin my pillows.
Love y'all!
>>> once again, arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ they heard me singing
And they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things
And just punch the clock ♪
♪ these days my life
I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the
Feelings swim to ♪
♪ the surface
'cause on the surface
The city lights shine
They're calling at me ♪
♪ come and find your kind
Sometimes I wonder if
The world's so small
That we can never get ♪
♪ away from the sprawl
Living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise
Like mountains ♪
♪ beyond mountains
And there's no end in sight
I need the darkness
Someone please ♪
♪ cut the lights
We rode our bikes
To the nearest park
Sat under the swings ♪
♪ and kissed in the dark
We shield our eyes
From the police lights
We run away ♪
♪ but we don't know why
On the black river
The city lights shine
They're screaming at us ♪
♪ we don't need your kind
Sometimes I wonder if
The world's so small
That we can never get ♪
♪ away from the sprawl
Living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise like
Mountains beyond mountains ♪
♪ and there's no end in sight
I need the darkness
Someone please cut the lights
♪
♪
♪ they heard me singing
And they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things
And just punch the clock ♪
♪ sometimes I wonder if
The world's so small
Can we ever get away
From the sprawl? ♪
♪ living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise like
Mountains beyond mountains
And there's no end in sight ♪
♪ I need the darkness
Someone please cut the lights
I need the darkness
Someone please ♪
♪ cut the lights ♪
♪
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> tlc presents "stars of
Tomorrow."
>> I travel all over the country
Looking for talented kids.
You never know where you'll find
The next abigail breslin.
And I still remember the night I
Went to akron, ohio, to see
11-year-old laura parsons.
>> from the moment laura was
Born, we knew she had something
Special.
She was a very expressive baby.
She would, like, cry when she
Wanted something.
We always knew she was amazing.
But at that first audition, she
Did a piece from "a few good
Men," she
Let everyone know.
>> son, we live in a world that
Has walls.
Those walls have to be guarded
By men with guns.
Who's going to do it?
You -- you -- you want the
Truth?
You can't handle the truth.
>> we have a word in the
Theater.
Show-stopper.
That audition got her the
Lead in some of the top kids'
Touring productions like
"rocking red riding hood" and
The mary-kate and ashley
Classic, "how the west was fun."
>> she was the only name in kids
Theater for a long time.
And then -- and then one day,
Everything changed.
>> amanda starr was just a poor
11-year-old kid from bethesda.
But when she hit that stage,
Boom!
Fireworks.
Amanda's audition for "on the
Waterfront" had everyone
Talking.
>> you don't understand.
I could have had class.
I could have been a contender.
I could have been somebody.
Instead of a bum which is what I
Am.
Let's face it.
It was you, charlie.
>> that's when the rivalry
Started.
And it was -- it was so hard.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
But laura stayed strong and took
Care of the both of us.
>> I really wanted to work with
Laura and man da butdy but I co.
It was an all-african-american
Cast, so I had no use for either
Of the girls.
>> they never thought she had a
Shot until they saw laura
Perform the character bubba from
"forrest gump."
>> you ever been on a real
Shrimp boat?
I'm talking about a shrimping
Boat.
I've been working on shrimp
Boats all my life.
People call me bubba.
Just like one of them redneck
Boys.
Can you believe that?
Anyway, like I was saying,
Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.
You can barbecue it, boil it,
Broil it, make shrimp soup,
Shrimp stew, shrimp and
Potatoes.
And that's -- that's about it.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, yes, they pushed each
Other.
Once mandy heard that laura was
Auditioning for an
African-american part, she knew
What she had to do.
Sophie from "the color purple."
>> all my life I had to fight.
I had to fight my daddy.
I had to fight my uncles.
I had to fight my brothers.
A girl travelling safe in a
Family of men.
But I ain't never thought I'd
Have to fight in my own house.
I loved harpo.
God knows I do.
But I'll kill him dead before I
Let him beat me.
>> amanda and laura were the
Biggest names.
We had no choice.
We cast mandy in the part of
Mama and laura as her husband,
Walter.
>> of course, it was a
Sensation.
People talked about it for
Weeks.
That's when laura and mandy
Realized it was better to work
Together than as rivals.
In their next project, they
Decided to collaborate.
>> if you'd have told me that
Our company was going to do a
Stage version of "brokeback
Mountain," I would have been
Skeptical.
But then you said that the lead
Roles of the two gay cowboys
Will be played by 11-year-old
Girls, I would tell you it can't
Be done.
>> why didn't you just let me
Be?
It's because of you, jack twist,
That I'd like this.
I'm nothing.
I'm nowhere.
I can't stand being like this no
More.
>> I tell you what, we could
Have had a good life together,
But you didn't want it, ennis.
So what we've got now is
Brokeback mountain.
You have no idea how bad it
Gets.
A couple every year.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
>> opening night was a
Ten-minute standing ovation.
We have a word in theater,
Gaymazing.
That was double gaymazing.
>>> ceramic busts.
Nothing says I'm a millionaire
More than ceramic busts.
You want to start rumors that
You come from a rich family?
Get yourself some ceramic busts.
Fill your house with them.
You like having orange juice and
Toast for breakfast?
Try having it with ceramic
Busts.
Now you're eating in a european
Museum.
You're doing a bunch of work on
Your computer at home?
Put a ceramic bust on it.
Pretty soon you'll be logging on
To those yacht websites.
You like freshening up in the
Bathroom?
Freshen up with ceramic busts
Everywhere.
You're going to think you're
Washing your hands in the white
House.
And I mean the top floor.
You've got to get yourself these
Ceramic busts.
It's people from all over
History.
France, greece, shakespeare.
[ light laughter ]
People are going to look at
These and think you own a
Mercedes.
Don't believe me?
Try asking my daughter, lexi.
>> come on.
Just get these already.
Don't you want people to look
Into your house and say, "whoa.
That must be a family of brain
Surgeons.
I bet they listen to classical
Music every day."
Look at this one.
Who is that?
Sir isaac newton?
Who's that one?
Beethoven?
Is that one zeus?
Everyone's going to see these
And go, "god, they probably have
A tennis court back there behind
The bushes."
I mean, imagine waking up and The
first thing you see is a Face like this one.
Or that one.
Or this one.
Or that one.
>> these things have no arms and
No legs.
So they're not going anywhere.
Plus, every customer gets a free
Copy of "the kama sutra."
You know what that's about,
Right?
I insist, you should really get
Yourself some ceramic busts.
Come to mike's bustaria on
Central avenue.
♪
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> you've gotta get yourself
some ceramic busts.
>>> thanks to arcade fire!
Thank you so much for watching.
Thanks to "snl" cast and crew.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Good night!
President obama was in seoul,
South korea, for the annual g-20
Conference where he met
Privately with chinese president
Hu jintao.
>> good afternoon.
Thank you.
Earlier today representatives of
The world's 20 largest economies
Concluded the full session of
The annual g-20 conference.
After which president hu and I
Were able to meet privately.
We had an extraordinarily frank
And wide-ranging discussion on a
Variety of topics from trade
Practices to currency
Devaluation to labor standards
To global climate change.
I left convinced that relations
Between the United States and
China remain strong and will
Only grow stronger.
President hu.
>> translator: Thank you,
President obama.
President obama is absolutely
Correct.
In our meeting, we spoke Candidly
about a wide array of Issues.
Everything under the sun.
No topic was off limits.
You name it, we covered it.
In fact -- and correct me if I'm
Wrong -- the only thing we
Didn't talk about is the matter
Of your country owing china a
Great deal of money.
How about $800 billion,
Actually.
Strangely, that is the one
Subject we did not discuss.
>> the United States is well
Aware of its debt to china.
>> translator: I kept waiting
For you to bring it up.
And when you didn't, I thought
To myself, did he already pay us
Back and I just forgot?
Or perhaps the money arrived
After I left for this
Conference.
But I checked with my office,
And they haven't received it.
>> as president hu will recall,
We discussed this issue a year
Ago.
As I said at the time, the
United states fully intends to
Honor its debt.
>> translator: So did you bring
The check?
>> I promise you you're going to
Get your money.
>> all right.
Then that's good enough for me.
But say, do you mind if we turn
Off the lights?
>> I'm sorry, I do not
Understand.
>> I like to have the lights off
When someone is doing sex to me!
>> please, mr. President.
Let's not have this again.
Obviously, it's no secret that
My country's recovery from the
Recession has been slower than
Expected.
>> translator: We know all about
Your economic problems.
That's why we were so surprised
To see you embark on this
Ten-day vacation to asia.
That is costing $200 million a
Day.
>> now, hold on.
I don't know where you heard
That, but this trip is not
Costing $200 million a day.
>> that's not what glenn beck
Says.
>> again, let me be clear.
Glenn beck has no idea what he's
Talking about.
>> translator: He was right
About buying gold.
>> I think we're getting off the
Subject.
>> translator: My government
Should have bought gold.
Unfortunately, all our assets
Were tied up in u.S. Treasury
Bills.
>> I know.
>> translator: I understand your
Next stop is japan?
>> that's right.
We leave for tokyo tonight.
>> translator: Please tell me
You don't owe them money, too.
>> uh, mr. President, my country
Will repay all its foreign
Vittwi
Creditors.
>> translator: Okay.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm not worried anymore.
But just do me one favor.
Would you gently bite the back
Of my neck?
>> please, there's really no
Need for this.
>> translator: I'll tell you why
I ask.
I like to have my neck bitten
When someone is doing sex to me!
[ laughter ]
>> please, mr. President.
>> translator: Tell me, when you
Finish this trip and do finally
Get back to america, exactly how
Do you plan to restore your
Nation's economy so we can get
Our money?
>> as I've said many times, the
Solution to my country's
Economic problems lies in the
New green economy.
Good, high-paying green jobs are
The answer.
>> translator: Green jobs.
>> yes.
Green jobs.
>> translator: Have you by any
Chance mistaken me for miss
Universe?
>> I'm sorry?
>> translator: Have you mistaken
Me for miss universe?
>> of course not.
>> translator: Then why do you
Insist on doing sex to me as if
I were miss universe?
>> mr. President, once again,
There is really no need.
>> translator: You know, at a
Certain point, it's not even
About the $800 billion.
It's more the lack of respect.
>> mr. President, don't do this.
>> translator: Go ahead.
Be as rough as you like.
>> I'm asking you to stop.
>> translator: You can pull my
Hair or choke me, too.
I don't care anymore.
I just want it to be over.
>> mr. President, please stop.
I beg of you.
>> translator: Very well.
We can continue this later.
In the meantime, live from new
York, it's Saturday night!
Night live"!
With --
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
With fred armisen
Abby elliott
Bill hader
Seth meyers
Bobby moynihan
Andy samberg
Jason sudeikis
Kenan thompson
Kristen wiig
Featuring vanessa bayer
Paul brittain
Taran killiam
Nasim pedrad
Jay pharaoh
Musical guest arcade fire.
And your host,
Scarlett johansson.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Scarlett johansson!
Captions paid for by
nbc-universal television
-- Transcript by --
www.Addic7ed.Com
-- Sync by --
www.InSUBs.Com - Henrique
>>> thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It is great to be hosting
"Saturday night live" for a
Third time.
It's an exciting time for me.
The movie "due date" opened last
Week.
[ cheers and applause ]
I'm not in it, but I'm excited
About it.
I don't have any movies out
Right now, so you may not have
Seen me in a while because when
I'm not promoting something, I
Try to stay out of the tabloids.
I mean, I'm not perfect, but I
Found there were a few simple
Ways for a young celebrity to
Keep a low profile.
Like for starters, wear
Underwear.
I mean, why wouldn't you?
It takes seconds to put on, and
It's comfortable.
Underwear.
It's your friend.
Another way to keep cameras out
Of your life, do not have a show
Where you're followed around by
Cameras.
That's an easy one.
And if you make a sex tape, you
Are not allowed to act surprised
When it ends up on the internet.
Sex tapes are like take-out soup
Containers.
They always leak.
[ laughter ]
If you're desperate to watch
Yourself have sex, use a mirror.
They're like cameras that
Forget.
[ laughter ]
Which makes me wonder, why can't
Celebrities keep it together
These days?
You know, it reminds me of a
Song from the musical,
"chicago."
I should sing it for you
Sometime.
Oh, what the hell, I'll do it
Now.
♪
♪ whatever happened to
Please may I
And yes thank you
And how charming ♪
♪ now every son of a bitch
Is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class ♪
>> hey, scarlett.
>> oh, it's lindsay lohan's
Mother, dina.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I like your song and I'm
Joining in.
[ laughter ]
♪ whatever happened to
Yes mommy
Thank you mother
And don't blame the mother ♪
♪ now everyone's
Throwing stones
From a house made of glass ♪
♪ whatever happened to class ♪
>> do you mind if I chime in?
>> hey, everyone, it's ke$ha.
[ laughter ]
What are you doing here?
>> I don't know, I woke up here.
[ laughter ]
>> we were just saying that no
One has any class anymore.
>> girls today wouldn't know
Class if it tried to kiss them
And puked in their mouth.
♪ oh there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now
There's only pigs and whores ♪
♪ and even kids will knock you
Down so they can pass
Nobody's got no class ♪
♪ people get their news
Today from tmz
♪ every girl's made a sex tape
For free ♪
♪ nobody's got no class
Every girl is a fool
Every guy is a tool ♪
♪ holy shiz, holy shiz
What a shame
What a shame ♪
♪ what became of class ♪
>> dina lohan and ke$ha!
[ applause ]
Oh, and I do have a sex tape out
There somewhere.
If you find it, godspeed.
We've got a great show tonight.
Arcade fire is here.
[ cheers and applause ]
So, stick around and we'll be
Right back.
>>> from mtv, the network that
Brought you "16 and pregnant"
And "teen mom" comes a
Groundbreaking new series that
Explores what it means to be
Young, pregnant and fabulous?
It's "my super sweet 16 and
Pregnant."
>> I'm rich, I'm beautiful and
I'm fully dilated.
This is going to be the best
Party ever.
>> go janice.
Go janice.
>> and it gets even more
Pregnant.
Get ready for "america's best
Pregnant dance crew" hosted by
America's favorite dilf, mario
Lopez.
>> from albuquerque, new mexico,
Give it up for stretch marks.
[ cheers ]
>> and there's so much more.
Nick cannon presents "wild and
Out" featuring special guest
Star, a baby.
>> hey, baby, you think you're
All that when you stroller roll
Past me, I smelled your
Diaper, son.
That was nasty.
>> plus, if you like "cribs,"
Then you'll love "cribs."
>> here it is.
>> and finally, from the makers
Of "jersey shore," it's "I'm
Snooki and pregnant."
>> there's a freaking baby in
Here!
>> mtv, maternity television.
[ applause ]
♪
>>> you're watching bravo.
Up next, "millionaire
Matchmaker."
♪
>> love.
Everyone wants it.
But not everyone finds it.
That's why they come to me.
Who am I?
Shut up!
I'm the millionaire matchmaker.
Okay, everybody.
Shut up!
What goomba jew are we helping
This week?
Mohawk, go.
>> actually, our millionaire
This week is a woman.
>> she's a lawyer, she's 33.
>> okay, weird girl, just show
Me her tape.
>> hi.
I'm candace.
I'm 33 years young.
My net worth is $5 million and
Rising.
So, holla!
>> no wonder she's single.
She looks like an ass fraggle.
>> I guess my ideal guy is,
Like, a jock or a beefcake, like
A ripped guy with muscles.
Like sometimes I'll see the
Cover of "men's health" and say
"oh, there's a nice piece of
Ham."
[ light laughter ]
>> okay, this girl only likes
Guys who are way out of her
League.
She's in a fantasy land.
I can't help people like that.
There is no way I'm working with
Her.
Let's go meet her right now.
[ laughter ]
Candace is a sweet girl with a
Lot of great qualities, who
Happens to look like a dog dump.
This girl needs my help.
Today.
Okay.
What are you looking for in a
Man?
>> I guess my dream guy would be
Like brad pitt if he was cuter
And didn't have any children.
[ light laughter ]
>> candace, look at me.
You have champagne taste and an
Ass face.
[ laughter ]
Right now, your bar is way up
Here, and you need to put the
Bar here.
So it covers your face.
[ laughter ]
>> patty's so insightful.
She's like oprah if oprah was
White and really horrible to be
Around.
[ laughter ]
>> so what do you do when you
See a cute guy?
>> I'll kind of wink at him and
Move my shoulders in a sexy,
Come-hither way.
>> show me.
[ laughter ]
>> you look like a visible fart.
[ laughter ]
You know, I tell most girls
"play hard to get," but for you,
If a guy takes it out, you sit
On it.
[ laughter ]
After all my coaching, candace
Was as ready as she'd ever be.
So I rounded up some nice,
Eligible guys perfect for
Someone like her.
Okay.
These guys are the best you can
Hope for.
Which one do you like?
[ laughter ]
>> so do any of you guys, like,
Work out or play sports?
>> I'm in a softball league at
Work.
>> oh.
Really?
>> oh, yeah.
It's pretty fun.
>> aren't you just a sweet piece
Of ham?
♪ laughter ]
>> that's it.
No more mole people.
Did candace find true love?
Who knows? Who cares?
Shut up.
>>> you are watching telecentro
Tv dominicana.
At 6:00, cooking with papaya
Juice followed by the weather.
But first, "the manuel ortiz
Show."
>> hola.
Welcome to my show.
I'm manuel ortiz.
And I'm here to help you with
Whatever it is you're going
Through.
And if I cannot, I am very, very
Sorry.
My first guest has a secret she
Has told no one.
Please welcome jasmine rios.
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> beuneos dias, senora.
>> y tu, manuel, y tu.
>> so, what is this secret you
Have told no one?
>> there is a chance this baby
May not be my husband's baby.
>> how big a chance?
>> I would say pretty big.
>> I see.
How about we bring him out.
Please welcome ace rios.
[ applause ]
♪
>> my friend, your wife has
Something she wants to tell you.
>> ace, this baby may not be
Your baby.
>> okay.
[ laughter ]
>> okay?
>> okay.
>> it might be your best friend
Dexter's baby.
>> okay.
[ laughter ]
Jasmine, are you okay with ace
Being okay?
>> I'm split.
>> would you feel better if I
Told you dexter rojas was in the
Studio?
Let's bring him out.
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> hola, everyone.
Hola.
>> to have fun, to meet new
People?
>> no.
>> no?
>>jasmine has something very
Important to tell you.
>> dexter, I might be carrying
Your baby.
>> so this is why.
>> there is also someone else
Who would like to see you.
[ laughter ]
Your girlfriend.
>> no, not her.
>> please welcome
Rosita consuelos.
[ applause ]
♪
Rosita, you seem very upset.
>> I watch you backstage, and
I'm saying to myself, "this must
Be lies."
Estupido, I will kill you!
>> security!
No!
Security!
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> so, jasmine, we have
Conducted a paternity test.
Would you like to know what we
Found out?
>> si, this is the reason.
>> nurse monica, can you please
Bring out the results?
♪
[ applause ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> is it me or is the music too
Fast?
Okay, jeremy, we got to get that
Fixed.
Nurse monica, tell us who the
Baby's father is.
>> the resultas indicate the
Padre is --
>> wait.
The baby, it cannot be mine.
Because my peepee don't work.
>> see, his flauta is flaccid.
>> so, do I still need to read
The resultas or --
>> no, nurse monica, you do not.
♪
[ laughter ]
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Jeremy, we have to get that
Fixed.
I'm being told we need to go to
A commercial break.
When we return, hopefully I will
Be able to help jasmine and ace
Put their lives back together.
And if I cannot, I am very, very
Sorry.
♪
[ applause ]
♪
>>> so you my new partner, huh?
I didn't know I was running a
Day-care center.
>> yeah, well, I didn't know I
Was working in a retirement
Home.
♪
[ light laughter ]
>> all right.
>> we have an unmanned train
With eight freight cars with
Hazardous chemicals rolling into
A highly populated area with no
Air brakes.
It's not a train.
It's a missile the size of the
Chrysler building.
>> ha-ha, let's do this, rookie.
>> don't call me rookie, old
Man.
I know trains!
>> where you learn trains, huh?
Thomas the tank engine?
>> and where did you learn
Trains, old man?
From inventing them?
[ laughter ]
>> guys, we need you to stop
That train now.
>> it gets worse.
>> it's on a collision course
With a train full of kids on a
Field trip.
>> it gets worse.
>> the field trip was to a
Petroleum refinery, and they all
Brought home souvenir gasoline.
That's enough to hold hands in a
Circle around the chrysler
Building.
>> what are we gonna do?
>> relax, rugrat, don't soil
Your diaper, huh.
>> don't soil your depends, old
Man.
[ laughter ]
>> ha-ha-ha!
You see, he's insulting me, and
I'm allowing it.
>> guys, what's the status?
>> it seems we're coming to a
Begrudging respect for each
Other.
When we met, we focused on our
Differences.
>> now it appears we have more
In common than we thought.
>> now, what did you want to
Say?
>> a nursing
Home shuttle bus got stuck on
The track.
>> boom!
[ laughter ]
>> there's got to be a way to
Stop it.
>> we're trying to figure that
Out, but we're going through
100 years of files.
It's like trying to find a
Needle in the chrysler building.
>> you're too youg!
>> you're too old!
>> I love this guy.
Okay.
>> here's the worst news yet.
There was a train on top of the
Runaway train that's moving even
Faster than the first train.
That's like a chrysler building
On top of a chrysler building.
>> chug-a-chug-a choo-choo.
>> good news.
We were able to get the runaway
On the emergency track.
>> where does that go?
>> 42nd and lexington in
New york.
>> that's the chrysler building.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> scarlett johansson, look at
You.
>> sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy.
>> whoa!
Look at you.
More like scarlett jo-handsome.
>> good nickname.
[ light laughter ]
I'm brady trump.
>> and I'm anastasia sticks.
Thanks so much for doing this
Interview.
>> I'm thrilled.
I love "hollywood dish."
>> and we love you.
Now.
He's very good.
Yeah, anyway, are we ready to
Get started?
How did you feel about your tony
Award?
>> I've got to be honest.
I was not expecting that at all.
Being on stage in new york, it's
Such an incredible feeling.
The whole experience was
Magical.
I want to do it all over again.
I'm sorry, is there something
Wrong?
>> oh, no, you're doing fine.
We can't talk while you're
Talking.
>> but we want to encourage you.
>> oesh, okay.
I see.
>> I have to ask, what was it
Like working with woody allen?
>> at first I was so intimidated
By him.
I mean because he's such an
Icon.
He's made so many amazing films.
Now we have such a great
Relationship between us.
No, not like that.
We're friends.
>> now, you were in "lost in
Translation."
Do you know any japanese?
>> I can say, like, one thing.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> oh, that sounds romantic.
>> it means where's the
Bathroom.
>> oh.
Do it.
>> do it again.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> okay.
Do it more shy like.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> oh no.
Bigger.
Use your arms.
[ speaking japanese ]
>> okay.
>>are we -- are we almost done
Here?
>> oh, hang on.
Hang on.
I've got to ask you this, okay?
Your husband, ryan reynolds, has
Some pretty big muscles.
Is he big everywhere?
>> what do you mean?
>> does he have a big --
[ whistles ]
[ laughter ]
>> excuse me?
>> we're talking about his --
>> I'm not answering that.
>> come on.
We're just talking about his --
>> stop, stop.
I know exactly what you're
Talking about, and there is no
Way I'm going
To discuss my husband's penis.
>> whoa, our moms are here.
Right behind us.
>> you know what?
I'm sorry.
I don'tean to be rude.
I think I should probably just
Go.
>> wait, one last question, not
Personal at all.
>> we're asking everybody.
Just tell us how excited you are
For the next and probably final
Version of "the jersey shore."
>> you know, I've never seen
That show.
I just don't watch a lot of
Reality television.
[ laughter ]
>> you have great skin.
What's your secret?
>> well, I make sure I never go
To bed with makeup on, and I
Live for sunblock.
The big secret is, I -- okay.
Are you two even listening to
Me?
Okay.
I'm officially annoyed and
Officially leaving.
I can't believe I went on this
Stupid show.
I'm going to fire my publicist.
Thank you for a junky time.
>> wow.
>> she is so cool.
>> cool chick.
Laid back.
>> oh, love her.
>> tonight on "hollywood
Dish" --
>> has starjo lost her mind?
>> at first I was so intimidated
By my husband's penis.
>> is hollywood gaga missing?
>> next on "the hollywood dish."
>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ I used to write
I used to write letters
I used to sign my name
I used to sleep at night ♪
♪ before the flashing lights
Settled deep in my brain
But by the time we met
By the time we met the ♪
♪ times had already changed
So I never wrote a letter
I never took my true heart
I never wrote it down ♪
♪ so when the lights cut out
I was left standing in the
Wilderness downtown
Now our lives are ♪
♪ changing fast
Now our lives are
Changing fast
Hope that something pure ♪
♪ can last
Hope that something pure
Can last
It seems strange ♪
♪ how we used to wait
For letters to arrive
But what's stranger still
Is how something so small ♪
♪ can keep you alive
We used to wait
We used to waste hours
Just walking around ♪
♪ we used to wait
All those wasted lives
In the wilderness downtown
♪
♪ oh we used to wait
Oh we used to wait
Oh we used to wait
Sometimes it never came ♪
♪ sometimes it never came
We used to wait
Still moving through
The pain ♪
♪ I'm gonna write a letter
To my true love
I'm gonna sign my name
Like a patient on a table ♪
♪ I wanna walk again
Gonna move through the pain
Now our lives are
Changing fast ♪
♪ now our lives are
Changing fast
Hope that something pure
Can last ♪
♪ hope that something pure
Can last
Oh we used to wait
Oh we used to wait ♪
♪ oh we used to wait
Sometimes it never came
We used to wait
Sometimes it never came ♪
♪ we used to wait
Still moving through
The pain
We used to wait ♪
♪ we used to wait
We used to wait
Oh yes
We used to wait for it ♪
♪ we used to wait for it
Now we're screaming
Sing the chorus again ♪
♪ we used to wait for it
We used to wait for it
Now we're screaming
Sing the chorus again ♪
♪ I used to wait for it
I used to wait for it
Hear my voice screaming
Sing the chorus again ♪
♪
♪ wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Making friends with other moms
Has
♪
>>> "weekend update" with
Seth meyers.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I'm seth meyers, and here are
Tonight's top stories.
An article on "huffington post"
Yesterday claimed that several
Passages of george wncht bush's
New memoir "decision points"
Were lifted from other books
Including several written by his
Advisers which explains why he
Spent much of the book
Complaining about his boss.
>>one of the new proposals from
A bipartisan commission released
Wednesday suggested that in
Order to bring down the deficit,
The government would need to
Raise the retirement age to 69
By the year 2075.
So the next time a baby is
Crying on your flight, it's
Probably because they just found
Out they're gonna have to work
Until they're 69 in new china.
[ laughter ]
>>> speaking in a video for an
Ad campaign aimed at ending the
Bullying of gay teenagers,
Cindy mccain, the wife of
Senator john mccain, broke with
Her husband and called for the
Repeal of "don't ask, don't
Tell."
Mccain says he and his wife have
Disagreed on other issues too.
Things like, "where am I and
What the hell's going on?"
[ laughter ]
>>> the dallas cowboys Monday
Fired head coach wade phillips
After the 1-7 start this season.
Wow, a brand-new house, a rapid
Downward spiral and now
Unemployment.
They really are america's team.
>>> this week, kanye west
Apologized to former president
George w. Bush for saying he
Doesn't care about black people
During hurricane katrina.
While the president said he
Forgave kanye.
Here to explain are
George w. Bush and kanye west.
[ cheers and applause ]
Good to see you, kanye.
>> I mean, what's up, fam?
>> so everything's good with you
Guys?
>> I know, we had problems and
Now we solved those problems.
Yeah, fam.
>> absolutely.
I love kanye.
I do.
♪ kanye and w. ♪
♪ best of friends united by
Forgiveness ♪
♪ yo recognize, haters.
>> yo, haters.
Come on, recognize.
>> I wouldn't have thought you
Guys had that much in common.
>> sure, we do.
We're both rich.
We're both impulsive.
I mean, he interrupted taylor
Swift at an awards show.
>> that's true.
>> I interrupted how well our
Country was doing for eight
Years.
>> that's right, fam, that's
Right.
No time for haters.
>> that's right.
Kanye's even got me doing the
Twister.
>> twitter.
>> twitter, I'm sorry about
That.
Fam.
You know, he was teaching me how
To tweet.
And I really like it because
It's short.
You just kind of puke out
Whatever's on your mind.
It's also real lenient on
Grammar, and I like that.
>> hey, tell them your twitter,
Fam.
>> sure.
I call myself not so curious
George.
I don't know if you get it.
I didn't get it initially, but I
Get it now.
>> so I have to ask, have you
Guys actually been hanging out?
>> well, yes.
Yes, fam.
I took him sunglass shopping.
>> that's right.
I needed glasses to help me with
All the squinting.
That's when I bought these bad
Boys.
Look at that.
They're designer brand called
Guckies.
>> no, it's gucci.
>> gucci.
I also went down to crawford to
Clear brush.
>> I thought clearing brush was
A white people's term for going
To a club and picking up ugly
Bitches.
>> honest mistake.
Honest mistake.
This guy's a hoot.
You know, I love black people.
I love them.
>> president bush and kanye
West, everyone.
>>> while in israel this week,
Pamela anderson met with
Orthodox lawmakers in an effort
To get them to endorse an animal
Rights bill that would limit the
Production of traditional fur
Hats worn by hasidic jews.
Anderson suggested they wear
Regular hats with just a little
Strip of fur down the middle.
>>> a new study shows that
Drowsy driving is responsible
For nearly 17% of all driving
Fatalities.
That's a lot of blood on your
Hands, prairie home companion.
>>> a woman in florida and her
Boyfriend were arrested after
They allegedly tried to sell her
Infant grandson for $30,000.
Florida, where grandmas have
Boyfriends.
>>> a new survey from
"travel & lee sure" lists
Charleston first in politeness
And philadelphia, pennsylvania,
As also a city.
>>> a fire on the carnival
Cruise ship splendor left over
3,000 passengers stranded in the
Pacific ocean without air
Conditioning, hot food or
Working toilets for three days.
Joining us now to tell us about
Their ordeal aboard the ship,
Passengers frank and gladys
Madden.
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you guys for coming.
>> you're welcome.
Hello.
>> okay.
So mr. And mrs. Madden, I can't
Even begin to imagine what an
Ordeal that trip was like.
>> it was horrible.
It was a nightmare.
>> okay.
So tell us about the cruise.
>> where do I begin?
When we book our cruises, we
Always book the junior suite
Which has a queen bed and couch.
We show up, and we are in a
Junior sleeper which has a queen
Bed.
I go to open the window.
There is no window.
I'm furious.
>> okay.
Well, those actually seem to be
Complaints about the cruise
Itself.
What about the fire and the
Power outage?
>> I'll get to that.
Morning of the second day, I go
To the gym to use the stepper.
One of my few pleasures in life.
I walk in only to find there is
A jumping class.
You heard me, a jumping class.
Middle-aged heavy women jumping.
I turn around, go right back to
My room.
>> that sounds awful.
But surely things got worse when
The power went out.
>> things got worse.
The next night at dinner.
Seth, I've learned not to expect
Much from life.
But when you book a carnival
Cruise, you expect the dessert
Menu to include caramel flan.
We get to dessert, and the
Waiter says, "for dessert, we
Have three types of ice cream."
That's funny because at home, I
Have five types of ice cream.
He goes -- and I berated him.
>> and rightly so.
Frank, can you tell us about the
Power outage?
>> here's another one.
I signed us up for a couples'
Cha-cha class.
This one plays hooky.
I find him at the casino sitting
At the $5 baccarat table.
The jewish james bond over here.
>> what happened when the power
Went out?
>> day three.
I take a lunesta.
Put on my eye shade.
Power goes out.
Alarm never goes off.
I sleep for three days.
And I wake up in san diego being
Interviewed by wolf blitzer.
Who I do not care for.
>> frank, you let her sleep for
Three days?
>> wouldn't you?
>> gladys and frank madden,
Everybody.
[ applause ]
>>> voters in rhode island
Rejected a proposition last week
To change the state's official
Name from state of rhode island
And providence plantations to
Just rhode island, but I think
People are just going to keep
Calling it connecticut's
Foreskin.
>>> a man in pennsylvania was
Arrested after he smoked
Marijuana in the hospital to
Celebrate the birth of his
Child.
Celebrate or cope with?
>>> the first ever starbucks at
Sea was opened this week on a
Royal caribbean cruise ship, and
Somehow there's already a
Homeless guy in the bathroom.
>>> for "weekend update," I'm
Seth meyers!
Good night!
>>> and now back to --
St. Kat's middle school.
>> hey, what's up, guys?
How's it hanging?
Am I right?
>> hey marvin, how did your knee
Surgery go?
>> oh, no problems here.
Doc said I'll be up and walking
In no time.
>> hey marvin, what did you
Think of mr. Conklin's lecture
On the power of positive
Thinking today?
>> oh, I totally enjoyed it.
With positive thinking, you can
Do anything.
>> yeah.
>> exactly.
>> maybe if marvin used positive
Thinking, he could walk.
>> yeah!
>> I don't know, you guys.
I have a broken knee.
>> you'll never know if you
Don't try.
>> you know what?
You're absolutely right.
Okay.
Help me out of this wheelchair.
Okay.
Here we go.
Dang!
Get out of here!
Leave me!
You talked me into this!
Go away!
Go away!
I need to heal!
Leave me by myself!
>> I'm sorry, marvin.
I guess I thought our positive
Thinking would help you walk
Again.
>> I have a broken knee.
Get out of here!
>> I hope marvin doesn't hate
Us.
>> he hit the ground so hard on
His face.
>> hey, guys.
>> marvin.
>> marvin, you're not mad at us
For yesterday, are you?
>> no.
I'm mad at myself for allowing
Me to talk me into walking with
A broken knee.
Deep down I knew it wasn't a
Good idea.
>> hey, marvin, what did you
Think of mr. Conklin's anything
Is possible lecture today?
>> it was good.
I mean, most things are possible
Within reason.
>> marvin, I've been meaning to
Ask you, would you want to go to
The fall dance with me?
>> sure, I'll go with you.
I won't be able to dance, you
Know.
The broken knee.
>> hey, but what about the
Lecture?
Anything is possible?
>> in this case, it's not.
Because my knee's broken.
>> I bet if we played music, you
Wouldn't be saying that.
>> well, I think I'd be saying
That music or no music.
>> hit the music!
>> come on, guys.
Let's get marvin out of this
Wheelchair.
>> three, two, one.
♪
>> I told you!
You don't listen!
My knee!
You knew about my knee!
Why won't y'all listen to me?
Just get out of here!
Leave me alone!
Leave me alone, I tell you!
Go away!
Go away!
>> man, if marvin ever forgives
Us, we'll be so super lucky.
>> hey, how's is hanging, guys?
>> marvin!
>> marvin, we are way sorry.
I just thought about us dancing
Together and nothing else.
>> yeah.
I thought about it long and
Hard, too.
This morning when I was working
My way out of the tub.
You guys arey best friends.
You just don't understand what
Broken knees are bp p about.
I'm partially to blame for that.
>> what did you think of mr.
Conklin's lecture, the sky's the
Limit?
>> I thought it was reckless.
Reckless and irresponsible.
>> it's time for mini tramp
Exercis
Exercises.
>> I think marvin should go
First because the sky's the
Limit.
>> you can't be serious.
>> yeah, kids, marvin can't jump
On the trampoline, right?
>> if marvin doesn't jump, no
Of us jump.
>> where is your brain?
In your butt?
>> okay, okay, okay.
You win.
Marvin, you can jump.
>> I don't want to jump!
You're a teacher!
Don't let this happen!
>> come on, guys.
Let's get him on the tramp.
>> no.
>> marvin!
>> go away!
Leave me be!
Leave me to my regrets!
Go away!
You're animals!
All of you!
Beasts, I tell you!
Get away from my face!
You don't listen!
My knee is broken!
Where's your common sense?
Go away.
>> marvin.
>> get out of here!
>>> next on the day's agenda, a
Very, very special treat.
The winners of our model u.N.
Competition are going to address
The general assembly and present
Their thoughts on world history.
So please welcome.
[ applause
>> hello.
Based on our hours logged
Deliberating at the model u.N.,
Here are our key thoughts on
World history thus far.
2,3,4 --
♪
♪ the holocaust
What was that?
Hiroshima
What was that? ♪
♪ terrorism
What is that all about?
Slavery?
Come on guys ♪
♪ vietnam
What was that?
Nanking massacre
That totally sucked! ♪
♪ and rwanda
Real mature, guys!
Tiananmen square
Give me a break! ♪
♪ the inquisition
What was that?
The khmer rouge
So bogus! ♪
♪ armenian genocide
Unacceptable!
Ethnic cleansing
Talk to the hand! ♪
♪ apartheid
What was that?!
Get it together guys!
You're blowing it! ♪
♪ the middle east
Quit goofin' around!
And these oil spills
Hit the showers! ♪
♪ darfur
What are you guys doing? ♪
♪ but dancing --
That'll set your whole
Shake it off and dance ♪
♪ and dance your troubles away ♪
♪ fight off the evil ♪
♪ because it can't ruin our
Day ♪
♪ now rip your shirt wide open
And dance ♪
♪ come on you guys ♪
♪ dance with a boy and a girl ♪
♪ we're all just people ♪
♪ stand up ♪
♪ you've got to [ bleep ] and
Save the world ♪
>> what was that?
>> hi, y'all.
I'm paula deen, and you know my
Favorite two ingredients to cook
With are butter and oil.
But some people don't want all
That fat in their food.
That's why I'm introducing my
New product.
Paula deen's big old soak 'em
Paper towels, for when you want
To get the fat out of your good
Old southern food.
They are eight ply, y'all.
They really suck on up all that
Butter and oil that y just
Don't wa getting on your
Little ticker.
Watch this, y'all.
I'm going to put one of my
Famous butter-crusted drizzler
Biscuits on a big old piece of
Soak 'em.
And I'm just gonna let it sit
There like a frog on a log.
Let's wait ten seconds.
[ laughter ]
Now, look at that.
Laughter ]
That big old biscuit got all the
Butter and oil just soaked on
Right out of it.
Now that biscuit is a lot
More healthy, y'all.
Also, it tastes like [ bleep ].
[ laughter ]
Look, y'all, just between you,
Me and the chickens, I have to
Suggest this oil draining
Because health professionals are
Really backing up my back bumper
About my food making little
Children fat.
I was a fat child and look how I
Turned out.
I'm on tv, and I have a real
Foxy husband.
He is santalicious.
I'd love to sit on his lap.
And you should see how fat my
Little grandbaby boy is.
He is like a string of plump
Little sausages with a diaper on
It.
I just want to bite him.
He better watch it or I'm going
To put him in the fryer and
Serve him up on a bed of
Buttered noodles.
[ laughter ]
Oh, it is as hot as the devil's
Danglers in this kitchen.
Oh, my mercy me.
[ laughter ]
I am giving off some body butter
Today.
Y'all, please go buy you some of
These soak 'em so people will
Get off my double bubble.
I'm going to take a heat lamp and
put it on my face on my sun Porch.
I'd better put down a soak 'em
Or I'm going to ruin my pillows.
Love y'all!
>>> once again, arcade fire.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ they heard me singing
And they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things
And just punch the clock ♪
♪ these days my life
I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the
Feelings swim to ♪
♪ the surface
'cause on the surface
The city lights shine
They're calling at me ♪
♪ come and find your kind
Sometimes I wonder if
The world's so small
That we can never get ♪
♪ away from the sprawl
Living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise
Like mountains ♪
♪ beyond mountains
And there's no end in sight
I need the darkness
Someone please ♪
♪ cut the lights
We rode our bikes
To the nearest park
Sat under the swings ♪
♪ and kissed in the dark
We shield our eyes
From the police lights
We run away ♪
♪ but we don't know why
On the black river
The city lights shine
They're screaming at us ♪
♪ we don't need your kind
Sometimes I wonder if
The world's so small
That we can never get ♪
♪ away from the sprawl
Living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise like
Mountains beyond mountains ♪
♪ and there's no end in sight
I need the darkness
Someone please cut the lights
♪
♪
♪ they heard me singing
And they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things
And just punch the clock ♪
♪ sometimes I wonder if
The world's so small
Can we ever get away
From the sprawl? ♪
♪ living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise like
Mountains beyond mountains
And there's no end in sight ♪
♪ I need the darkness
Someone please cut the lights
I need the darkness
Someone please ♪
♪ cut the lights ♪
♪
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> tlc presents "stars of
Tomorrow."
>> I travel all over the country
Looking for talented kids.
You never know where you'll find
The next abigail breslin.
And I still remember the night I
Went to akron, ohio, to see
11-year-old laura parsons.
>> from the moment laura was
Born, we knew she had something
Special.
She was a very expressive baby.
She would, like, cry when she
Wanted something.
We always knew she was amazing.
But at that first audition, she
Did a piece from "a few good
Men," she
Let everyone know.
>> son, we live in a world that
Has walls.
Those walls have to be guarded
By men with guns.
Who's going to do it?
You -- you -- you want the
Truth?
You can't handle the truth.
>> we have a word in the
Theater.
Show-stopper.
That audition got her the
Lead in some of the top kids'
Touring productions like
"rocking red riding hood" and
The mary-kate and ashley
Classic, "how the west was fun."
>> she was the only name in kids
Theater for a long time.
And then -- and then one day,
Everything changed.
>> amanda starr was just a poor
11-year-old kid from bethesda.
But when she hit that stage,
Boom!
Fireworks.
Amanda's audition for "on the
Waterfront" had everyone
Talking.
>> you don't understand.
I could have had class.
I could have been a contender.
I could have been somebody.
Instead of a bum which is what I
Am.
Let's face it.
It was you, charlie.
>> that's when the rivalry
Started.
And it was -- it was so hard.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
But laura stayed strong and took
Care of the both of us.
>> I really wanted to work with
Laura and man da butdy but I co.
It was an all-african-american
Cast, so I had no use for either
Of the girls.
>> they never thought she had a
Shot until they saw laura
Perform the character bubba from
"forrest gump."
>> you ever been on a real
Shrimp boat?
I'm talking about a shrimping
Boat.
I've been working on shrimp
Boats all my life.
People call me bubba.
Just like one of them redneck
Boys.
Can you believe that?
Anyway, like I was saying,
Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.
You can barbecue it, boil it,
Broil it, make shrimp soup,
Shrimp stew, shrimp and
Potatoes.
And that's -- that's about it.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, yes, they pushed each
Other.
Once mandy heard that laura was
Auditioning for an
African-american part, she knew
What she had to do.
Sophie from "the color purple."
>> all my life I had to fight.
I had to fight my daddy.
I had to fight my uncles.
I had to fight my brothers.
A girl travelling safe in a
Family of men.
But I ain't never thought I'd
Have to fight in my own house.
I loved harpo.
God knows I do.
But I'll kill him dead before I
Let him beat me.
>> amanda and laura were the
Biggest names.
We had no choice.
We cast mandy in the part of
Mama and laura as her husband,
Walter.
>> of course, it was a
Sensation.
People talked about it for
Weeks.
That's when laura and mandy
Realized it was better to work
Together than as rivals.
In their next project, they
Decided to collaborate.
>> if you'd have told me that
Our company was going to do a
Stage version of "brokeback
Mountain," I would have been
Skeptical.
But then you said that the lead
Roles of the two gay cowboys
Will be played by 11-year-old
Girls, I would tell you it can't
Be done.
>> why didn't you just let me
Be?
It's because of you, jack twist,
That I'd like this.
I'm nothing.
I'm nowhere.
I can't stand being like this no
More.
>> I tell you what, we could
Have had a good life together,
But you didn't want it, ennis.
So what we've got now is
Brokeback mountain.
You have no idea how bad it
Gets.
A couple every year.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
>> opening night was a
Ten-minute standing ovation.
We have a word in theater,
Gaymazing.
That was double gaymazing.
>>> ceramic busts.
Nothing says I'm a millionaire
More than ceramic busts.
You want to start rumors that
You come from a rich family?
Get yourself some ceramic busts.
Fill your house with them.
You like having orange juice and
Toast for breakfast?
Try having it with ceramic
Busts.
Now you're eating in a european
Museum.
You're doing a bunch of work on
Your computer at home?
Put a ceramic bust on it.
Pretty soon you'll be logging on
To those yacht websites.
You like freshening up in the
Bathroom?
Freshen up with ceramic busts
Everywhere.
You're going to think you're
Washing your hands in the white
House.
And I mean the top floor.
You've got to get yourself these
Ceramic busts.
It's people from all over
History.
France, greece, shakespeare.
[ light laughter ]
People are going to look at
These and think you own a
Mercedes.
Don't believe me?
Try asking my daughter, lexi.
>> come on.
Just get these already.
Don't you want people to look
Into your house and say, "whoa.
That must be a family of brain
Surgeons.
I bet they listen to classical
Music every day."
Look at this one.
Who is that?
Sir isaac newton?
Who's that one?
Beethoven?
Is that one zeus?
Everyone's going to see these
And go, "god, they probably have
A tennis court back there behind
The bushes."
I mean, imagine waking up and The
first thing you see is a Face like this one.
Or that one.
Or this one.
Or that one.
>> these things have no arms and
No legs.
So they're not going anywhere.
Plus, every customer gets a free
Copy of "the kama sutra."
You know what that's about,
Right?
I insist, you should really get
Yourself some ceramic busts.
Come to mike's bustaria on
Central avenue.
♪
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> you've gotta get yourself
some ceramic busts.
>>> thanks to arcade fire!
Thank you so much for watching.
Thanks to "snl" cast and crew.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Good night!