Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 36, Episode 6 - Scarlett Johansson/Arcade Fire - full transcript

America's premiere sketch-comedy show returns for its 36th season LIVE from Studio 8H in New York City. This season, the cast includes Fred Armisen, Abby Elliott, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeik...

>>> next on c-span, on Friday,

President obama was in seoul,

South korea, for the annual g-20

Conference where he met

Privately with chinese president

Hu jintao.

>> good afternoon.

Thank you.

Earlier today representatives of
The world's 20 largest economies

Concluded the full session of
The annual g-20 conference.

After which president hu and I
Were able to meet privately.



We had an extraordinarily frank
And wide-ranging discussion on a

Variety of topics from trade
Practices to currency

Devaluation to labor standards
To global climate change.

I left convinced that relations
Between the United States and

China remain strong and will
Only grow stronger.

President hu.

>> translator: Thank you,
President obama.

President obama is absolutely
Correct.

In our meeting, we spoke Candidly
about a wide array of Issues.

Everything under the sun.

No topic was off limits.

You name it, we covered it.

In fact -- and correct me if I'm
Wrong -- the only thing we

Didn't talk about is the matter



Of your country owing china a

Great deal of money.

How about $800 billion,
Actually.

Strangely, that is the one

Subject we did not discuss.

>> the United States is well

Aware of its debt to china.

>> translator: I kept waiting

For you to bring it up.

And when you didn't, I thought

To myself, did he already pay us

Back and I just forgot?

Or perhaps the money arrived

After I left for this
Conference.

But I checked with my office,
And they haven't received it.

>> as president hu will recall,

We discussed this issue a year
Ago.

As I said at the time, the

United states fully intends to
Honor its debt.

>> translator: So did you bring
The check?

>> I promise you you're going to
Get your money.

>> all right.

Then that's good enough for me.

But say, do you mind if we turn

Off the lights?

>> I'm sorry, I do not

Understand.

>> I like to have the lights off

When someone is doing sex to me!

>> please, mr. President.

Let's not have this again.

Obviously, it's no secret that

My country's recovery from the

Recession has been slower than

Expected.

>> translator: We know all about

Your economic problems.

That's why we were so surprised

To see you embark on this

Ten-day vacation to asia.

That is costing $200 million a

Day.

>> now, hold on.

I don't know where you heard

That, but this trip is not

Costing $200 million a day.

>> that's not what glenn beck

Says.

>> again, let me be clear.

Glenn beck has no idea what he's

Talking about.

>> translator: He was right

About buying gold.

>> I think we're getting off the

Subject.

>> translator: My government

Should have bought gold.

Unfortunately, all our assets

Were tied up in u.S. Treasury

Bills.

>> I know.

>> translator: I understand your

Next stop is japan?

>> that's right.

We leave for tokyo tonight.

>> translator: Please tell me

You don't owe them money, too.

>> uh, mr. President, my country

Will repay all its foreign

Vittwi

Creditors.

>> translator: Okay.

That's all I needed to hear.

I'm not worried anymore.

But just do me one favor.

Would you gently bite the back

Of my neck?

>> please, there's really no

Need for this.

>> translator: I'll tell you why

I ask.

I like to have my neck bitten

When someone is doing sex to me!

[ laughter ]

>> please, mr. President.

>> translator: Tell me, when you

Finish this trip and do finally

Get back to america, exactly how

Do you plan to restore your

Nation's economy so we can get

Our money?

>> as I've said many times, the

Solution to my country's

Economic problems lies in the

New green economy.

Good, high-paying green jobs are

The answer.

>> translator: Green jobs.
>> yes.

Green jobs.

>> translator: Have you by any

Chance mistaken me for miss

Universe?

>> I'm sorry?

>> translator: Have you mistaken

Me for miss universe?

>> of course not.

>> translator: Then why do you

Insist on doing sex to me as if

I were miss universe?

>> mr. President, once again,

There is really no need.

>> translator: You know, at a

Certain point, it's not even

About the $800 billion.

It's more the lack of respect.

>> mr. President, don't do this.

>> translator: Go ahead.

Be as rough as you like.

>> I'm asking you to stop.

>> translator: You can pull my

Hair or choke me, too.

I don't care anymore.

I just want it to be over.

>> mr. President, please stop.

I beg of you.

>> translator: Very well.

We can continue this later.

In the meantime, live from new

York, it's Saturday night!

Night live"!

With --

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org

With fred armisen

Abby elliott

Bill hader

Seth meyers

Bobby moynihan

Andy samberg

Jason sudeikis

Kenan thompson

Kristen wiig

Featuring vanessa bayer

Paul brittain

Taran killiam

Nasim pedrad

Jay pharaoh

Musical guest arcade fire.

And your host,

Scarlett johansson.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Scarlett johansson!

Captions paid for by
nbc-universal television

-- Transcript by --
www.Addic7ed.Com

-- Sync by --
www.InSUBs.Com - Henrique

>>> thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It is great to be hosting

"Saturday night live" for a

Third time.

It's an exciting time for me.

The movie "due date" opened last
Week.

[ cheers and applause ]

I'm not in it, but I'm excited

About it.

I don't have any movies out

Right now, so you may not have

Seen me in a while because when

I'm not promoting something, I

Try to stay out of the tabloids.

I mean, I'm not perfect, but I

Found there were a few simple

Ways for a young celebrity to

Keep a low profile.

Like for starters, wear

Underwear.

I mean, why wouldn't you?

It takes seconds to put on, and

It's comfortable.

Underwear.

It's your friend.

Another way to keep cameras out

Of your life, do not have a show

Where you're followed around by

Cameras.

That's an easy one.

And if you make a sex tape, you

Are not allowed to act surprised

When it ends up on the internet.

Sex tapes are like take-out soup

Containers.

They always leak.

[ laughter ]

If you're desperate to watch

Yourself have sex, use a mirror.

They're like cameras that

Forget.

[ laughter ]

Which makes me wonder, why can't

Celebrities keep it together

These days?

You know, it reminds me of a

Song from the musical,

"chicago."

I should sing it for you

Sometime.

Oh, what the hell, I'll do it

Now.



♪ whatever happened to

Please may I

And yes thank you

And how charming ♪

♪ now every son of a bitch

Is a snake in the grass

Whatever happened to class ♪

>> hey, scarlett.

>> oh, it's lindsay lohan's

Mother, dina.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> I like your song and I'm

Joining in.

[ laughter ]

♪ whatever happened to

Yes mommy

Thank you mother

And don't blame the mother ♪

♪ now everyone's

Throwing stones

From a house made of glass ♪

♪ whatever happened to class ♪

>> do you mind if I chime in?

>> hey, everyone, it's ke$ha.

[ laughter ]

What are you doing here?

>> I don't know, I woke up here.

[ laughter ]

>> we were just saying that no

One has any class anymore.

>> girls today wouldn't know

Class if it tried to kiss them

And puked in their mouth.

♪ oh there ain't no gentlemen

To open up the doors

There ain't no ladies now

There's only pigs and whores ♪

♪ and even kids will knock you

Down so they can pass

Nobody's got no class ♪

♪ people get their news

Today from tmz

♪ every girl's made a sex tape

For free ♪

♪ nobody's got no class

Every girl is a fool

Every guy is a tool ♪
♪ holy shiz, holy shiz

What a shame

What a shame ♪

♪ what became of class ♪

>> dina lohan and ke$ha!

[ applause ]

Oh, and I do have a sex tape out

There somewhere.

If you find it, godspeed.

We've got a great show tonight.

Arcade fire is here.

[ cheers and applause ]

So, stick around and we'll be

Right back.

>>> from mtv, the network that
Brought you "16 and pregnant"

And "teen mom" comes a
Groundbreaking new series that

Explores what it means to be
Young, pregnant and fabulous?

It's "my super sweet 16 and
Pregnant."

>> I'm rich, I'm beautiful and

I'm fully dilated.

This is going to be the best
Party ever.

>> go janice.

Go janice.

>> and it gets even more

Pregnant.

Get ready for "america's best

Pregnant dance crew" hosted by

America's favorite dilf, mario

Lopez.

>> from albuquerque, new mexico,

Give it up for stretch marks.

[ cheers ]

>> and there's so much more.

Nick cannon presents "wild and

Out" featuring special guest

Star, a baby.

>> hey, baby, you think you're

All that when you stroller roll

Past me, I smelled your

Diaper, son.

That was nasty.

>> plus, if you like "cribs,"

Then you'll love "cribs."

>> here it is.

>> and finally, from the makers

Of "jersey shore," it's "I'm

Snooki and pregnant."

>> there's a freaking baby in

Here!

>> mtv, maternity television.

[ applause ]



>>> you're watching bravo.

Up next, "millionaire

Matchmaker."



>> love.

Everyone wants it.

But not everyone finds it.

That's why they come to me.

Who am I?

Shut up!

I'm the millionaire matchmaker.

Okay, everybody.

Shut up!

What goomba jew are we helping

This week?

Mohawk, go.

>> actually, our millionaire

This week is a woman.

>> she's a lawyer, she's 33.

>> okay, weird girl, just show

Me her tape.

>> hi.

I'm candace.

I'm 33 years young.

My net worth is $5 million and

Rising.

So, holla!

>> no wonder she's single.

She looks like an ass fraggle.

>> I guess my ideal guy is,

Like, a jock or a beefcake, like

A ripped guy with muscles.

Like sometimes I'll see the

Cover of "men's health" and say

"oh, there's a nice piece of

Ham."

[ light laughter ]

>> okay, this girl only likes

Guys who are way out of her

League.

She's in a fantasy land.

I can't help people like that.

There is no way I'm working with

Her.

Let's go meet her right now.

[ laughter ]

Candace is a sweet girl with a

Lot of great qualities, who

Happens to look like a dog dump.

This girl needs my help.

Today.

Okay.

What are you looking for in a

Man?

>> I guess my dream guy would be

Like brad pitt if he was cuter

And didn't have any children.

[ light laughter ]

>> candace, look at me.

You have champagne taste and an

Ass face.

[ laughter ]

Right now, your bar is way up

Here, and you need to put the

Bar here.

So it covers your face.

[ laughter ]

>> patty's so insightful.

She's like oprah if oprah was

White and really horrible to be

Around.

[ laughter ]

>> so what do you do when you

See a cute guy?

>> I'll kind of wink at him and

Move my shoulders in a sexy,

Come-hither way.

>> show me.

[ laughter ]

>> you look like a visible fart.

[ laughter ]

You know, I tell most girls

"play hard to get," but for you,

If a guy takes it out, you sit

On it.

[ laughter ]

After all my coaching, candace

Was as ready as she'd ever be.

So I rounded up some nice,

Eligible guys perfect for

Someone like her.

Okay.

These guys are the best you can

Hope for.

Which one do you like?

[ laughter ]

>> so do any of you guys, like,

Work out or play sports?

>> I'm in a softball league at

Work.

>> oh.

Really?

>> oh, yeah.

It's pretty fun.

>> aren't you just a sweet piece

Of ham?

♪ laughter ]

>> that's it.

No more mole people.

Did candace find true love?

Who knows? Who cares?
Shut up.

>>> you are watching telecentro
Tv dominicana.

At 6:00, cooking with papaya
Juice followed by the weather.

But first, "the manuel ortiz
Show."

>> hola.
Welcome to my show.

I'm manuel ortiz.

And I'm here to help you with

Whatever it is you're going

Through.

And if I cannot, I am very, very

Sorry.

My first guest has a secret she

Has told no one.

Please welcome jasmine rios.

[ applause ]



[ laughter ]

>> beuneos dias, senora.

>> y tu, manuel, y tu.

>> so, what is this secret you

Have told no one?

>> there is a chance this baby

May not be my husband's baby.

>> how big a chance?

>> I would say pretty big.

>> I see.

How about we bring him out.

Please welcome ace rios.

[ applause ]



>> my friend, your wife has

Something she wants to tell you.

>> ace, this baby may not be

Your baby.

>> okay.

[ laughter ]

>> okay?

>> okay.

>> it might be your best friend

Dexter's baby.

>> okay.

[ laughter ]

Jasmine, are you okay with ace

Being okay?

>> I'm split.

>> would you feel better if I

Told you dexter rojas was in the

Studio?

Let's bring him out.

[ applause ]



[ laughter ]

>> hola, everyone.

Hola.

>> to have fun, to meet new

People?

>> no.

>> no?

>>jasmine has something very

Important to tell you.

>> dexter, I might be carrying

Your baby.

>> so this is why.

>> there is also someone else

Who would like to see you.

[ laughter ]

Your girlfriend.

>> no, not her.

>> please welcome

Rosita consuelos.

[ applause ]



Rosita, you seem very upset.

>> I watch you backstage, and

I'm saying to myself, "this must

Be lies."

Estupido, I will kill you!

>> security!

No!

Security!

[ applause ]



[ laughter ]

>> so, jasmine, we have

Conducted a paternity test.

Would you like to know what we

Found out?

>> si, this is the reason.

>> nurse monica, can you please

Bring out the results?



[ applause ]



[ laughter ]

>> is it me or is the music too

Fast?

Okay, jeremy, we got to get that

Fixed.

Nurse monica, tell us who the

Baby's father is.

>> the resultas indicate the

Padre is --

>> wait.

The baby, it cannot be mine.

Because my peepee don't work.

>> see, his flauta is flaccid.

>> so, do I still need to read
The resultas or --

>> no, nurse monica, you do not.



[ laughter ]



[ cheers and applause ]

Jeremy, we have to get that

Fixed.

I'm being told we need to go to

A commercial break.

When we return, hopefully I will

Be able to help jasmine and ace

Put their lives back together.

And if I cannot, I am very, very

Sorry.



[ applause ]



>>> so you my new partner, huh?

I didn't know I was running a

Day-care center.

>> yeah, well, I didn't know I

Was working in a retirement
Home.



[ light laughter ]

>> all right.

>> we have an unmanned train

With eight freight cars with

Hazardous chemicals rolling into

A highly populated area with no

Air brakes.

It's not a train.

It's a missile the size of the

Chrysler building.

>> ha-ha, let's do this, rookie.

>> don't call me rookie, old

Man.

I know trains!

>> where you learn trains, huh?

Thomas the tank engine?

>> and where did you learn

Trains, old man?

From inventing them?

[ laughter ]

>> guys, we need you to stop

That train now.

>> it gets worse.

>> it's on a collision course

With a train full of kids on a

Field trip.

>> it gets worse.

>> the field trip was to a

Petroleum refinery, and they all

Brought home souvenir gasoline.

That's enough to hold hands in a

Circle around the chrysler

Building.

>> what are we gonna do?

>> relax, rugrat, don't soil

Your diaper, huh.

>> don't soil your depends, old

Man.

[ laughter ]

>> ha-ha-ha!

You see, he's insulting me, and

I'm allowing it.

>> guys, what's the status?

>> it seems we're coming to a

Begrudging respect for each

Other.

When we met, we focused on our

Differences.

>> now it appears we have more

In common than we thought.

>> now, what did you want to

Say?

>> a nursing

Home shuttle bus got stuck on

The track.

>> boom!

[ laughter ]

>> there's got to be a way to

Stop it.

>> we're trying to figure that

Out, but we're going through

100 years of files.

It's like trying to find a

Needle in the chrysler building.

>> you're too youg!

>> you're too old!

>> I love this guy.

Okay.

>> here's the worst news yet.

There was a train on top of the

Runaway train that's moving even

Faster than the first train.

That's like a chrysler building

On top of a chrysler building.

>> chug-a-chug-a choo-choo.

>> good news.

We were able to get the runaway

On the emergency track.

>> where does that go?

>> 42nd and lexington in

New york.

>> that's the chrysler building.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> scarlett johansson, look at
You.

>> sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy.

>> whoa!

Look at you.

More like scarlett jo-handsome.
>> good nickname.

[ light laughter ]

I'm brady trump.

>> and I'm anastasia sticks.

Thanks so much for doing this

Interview.

>> I'm thrilled.

I love "hollywood dish."
>> and we love you.

Now.

He's very good.

Yeah, anyway, are we ready to

Get started?

How did you feel about your tony

Award?

>> I've got to be honest.

I was not expecting that at all.

Being on stage in new york, it's

Such an incredible feeling.

The whole experience was

Magical.

I want to do it all over again.

I'm sorry, is there something

Wrong?

>> oh, no, you're doing fine.

We can't talk while you're

Talking.

>> but we want to encourage you.

>> oesh, okay.

I see.

>> I have to ask, what was it

Like working with woody allen?

>> at first I was so intimidated

By him.

I mean because he's such an

Icon.

He's made so many amazing films.

Now we have such a great

Relationship between us.

No, not like that.

We're friends.

>> now, you were in "lost in

Translation."

Do you know any japanese?

>> I can say, like, one thing.

[ speaking japanese ]

>> oh, that sounds romantic.

>> it means where's the

Bathroom.

>> oh.

Do it.

>> do it again.

[ speaking japanese ]

>> okay.

Do it more shy like.

[ speaking japanese ]

>> oh no.

Bigger.

Use your arms.

[ speaking japanese ]

>> okay.

>>are we -- are we almost done

Here?

>> oh, hang on.

Hang on.

I've got to ask you this, okay?

Your husband, ryan reynolds, has

Some pretty big muscles.

Is he big everywhere?

>> what do you mean?

>> does he have a big --

[ whistles ]

[ laughter ]

>> excuse me?

>> we're talking about his --

>> I'm not answering that.

>> come on.

We're just talking about his --

>> stop, stop.

I know exactly what you're

Talking about, and there is no

Way I'm going

To discuss my husband's penis.

>> whoa, our moms are here.

Right behind us.

>> you know what?

I'm sorry.

I don'tean to be rude.

I think I should probably just

Go.

>> wait, one last question, not

Personal at all.

>> we're asking everybody.

Just tell us how excited you are

For the next and probably final

Version of "the jersey shore."

>> you know, I've never seen

That show.

I just don't watch a lot of

Reality television.

[ laughter ]

>> you have great skin.

What's your secret?

>> well, I make sure I never go

To bed with makeup on, and I

Live for sunblock.

The big secret is, I -- okay.

Are you two even listening to

Me?

Okay.

I'm officially annoyed and

Officially leaving.

I can't believe I went on this

Stupid show.

I'm going to fire my publicist.

Thank you for a junky time.

>> wow.

>> she is so cool.

>> cool chick.

Laid back.

>> oh, love her.

>> tonight on "hollywood
Dish" --

>> has starjo lost her mind?

>> at first I was so intimidated

By my husband's penis.

>> is hollywood gaga missing?

>> next on "the hollywood dish."

>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Arcade fire.

[ cheers and applause ]



♪ I used to write

I used to write letters

I used to sign my name

I used to sleep at night ♪

♪ before the flashing lights

Settled deep in my brain

But by the time we met

By the time we met the ♪

♪ times had already changed

So I never wrote a letter

I never took my true heart

I never wrote it down ♪

♪ so when the lights cut out

I was left standing in the

Wilderness downtown

Now our lives are ♪

♪ changing fast

Now our lives are

Changing fast

Hope that something pure ♪

♪ can last

Hope that something pure

Can last

It seems strange ♪

♪ how we used to wait

For letters to arrive

But what's stranger still

Is how something so small ♪

♪ can keep you alive

We used to wait

We used to waste hours

Just walking around ♪

♪ we used to wait

All those wasted lives

In the wilderness downtown



♪ oh we used to wait

Oh we used to wait

Oh we used to wait

Sometimes it never came ♪

♪ sometimes it never came

We used to wait

Still moving through

The pain ♪

♪ I'm gonna write a letter

To my true love

I'm gonna sign my name

Like a patient on a table ♪

♪ I wanna walk again

Gonna move through the pain

Now our lives are

Changing fast ♪

♪ now our lives are

Changing fast

Hope that something pure

Can last ♪

♪ hope that something pure

Can last

Oh we used to wait

Oh we used to wait ♪

♪ oh we used to wait

Sometimes it never came

We used to wait

Sometimes it never came ♪

♪ we used to wait

Still moving through

The pain

We used to wait ♪

♪ we used to wait

We used to wait

Oh yes

We used to wait for it ♪

♪ we used to wait for it

Now we're screaming

Sing the chorus again ♪

♪ we used to wait for it

We used to wait for it

Now we're screaming

Sing the chorus again ♪

♪ I used to wait for it

I used to wait for it

Hear my voice screaming

Sing the chorus again ♪



♪ wait for it

Wait for it

Wait for it ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

Making friends with other moms

Has



>>> "weekend update" with

Seth meyers.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> I'm seth meyers, and here are

Tonight's top stories.

An article on "huffington post"

Yesterday claimed that several

Passages of george wncht bush's

New memoir "decision points"

Were lifted from other books

Including several written by his

Advisers which explains why he

Spent much of the book

Complaining about his boss.

>>one of the new proposals from

A bipartisan commission released

Wednesday suggested that in

Order to bring down the deficit,

The government would need to

Raise the retirement age to 69

By the year 2075.

So the next time a baby is

Crying on your flight, it's

Probably because they just found

Out they're gonna have to work

Until they're 69 in new china.

[ laughter ]

>>> speaking in a video for an

Ad campaign aimed at ending the

Bullying of gay teenagers,

Cindy mccain, the wife of

Senator john mccain, broke with

Her husband and called for the

Repeal of "don't ask, don't

Tell."

Mccain says he and his wife have

Disagreed on other issues too.

Things like, "where am I and

What the hell's going on?"

[ laughter ]

>>> the dallas cowboys Monday

Fired head coach wade phillips

After the 1-7 start this season.

Wow, a brand-new house, a rapid

Downward spiral and now

Unemployment.

They really are america's team.

>>> this week, kanye west

Apologized to former president

George w. Bush for saying he

Doesn't care about black people

During hurricane katrina.

While the president said he
Forgave kanye.

Here to explain are
George w. Bush and kanye west.

[ cheers and applause ]

Good to see you, kanye.

>> I mean, what's up, fam?

>> so everything's good with you

Guys?

>> I know, we had problems and

Now we solved those problems.

Yeah, fam.

>> absolutely.

I love kanye.

I do.

♪ kanye and w. ♪

♪ best of friends united by

Forgiveness ♪

♪ yo recognize, haters.

>> yo, haters.

Come on, recognize.

>> I wouldn't have thought you

Guys had that much in common.

>> sure, we do.

We're both rich.

We're both impulsive.

I mean, he interrupted taylor

Swift at an awards show.

>> that's true.

>> I interrupted how well our

Country was doing for eight

Years.

>> that's right, fam, that's

Right.

No time for haters.

>> that's right.

Kanye's even got me doing the

Twister.

>> twitter.

>> twitter, I'm sorry about

That.

Fam.

You know, he was teaching me how

To tweet.

And I really like it because

It's short.

You just kind of puke out

Whatever's on your mind.

It's also real lenient on

Grammar, and I like that.

>> hey, tell them your twitter,

Fam.

>> sure.

I call myself not so curious

George.

I don't know if you get it.

I didn't get it initially, but I

Get it now.

>> so I have to ask, have you

Guys actually been hanging out?

>> well, yes.

Yes, fam.

I took him sunglass shopping.

>> that's right.

I needed glasses to help me with

All the squinting.

That's when I bought these bad

Boys.

Look at that.

They're designer brand called

Guckies.

>> no, it's gucci.

>> gucci.

I also went down to crawford to

Clear brush.

>> I thought clearing brush was

A white people's term for going

To a club and picking up ugly

Bitches.

>> honest mistake.

Honest mistake.

This guy's a hoot.

You know, I love black people.

I love them.

>> president bush and kanye

West, everyone.

>>> while in israel this week,

Pamela anderson met with

Orthodox lawmakers in an effort

To get them to endorse an animal

Rights bill that would limit the

Production of traditional fur

Hats worn by hasidic jews.

Anderson suggested they wear

Regular hats with just a little

Strip of fur down the middle.

>>> a new study shows that

Drowsy driving is responsible

For nearly 17% of all driving

Fatalities.

That's a lot of blood on your

Hands, prairie home companion.

>>> a woman in florida and her

Boyfriend were arrested after

They allegedly tried to sell her
Infant grandson for $30,000.

Florida, where grandmas have
Boyfriends.

>>> a new survey from

"travel & lee sure" lists

Charleston first in politeness

And philadelphia, pennsylvania,

As also a city.

>>> a fire on the carnival

Cruise ship splendor left over

3,000 passengers stranded in the

Pacific ocean without air

Conditioning, hot food or

Working toilets for three days.

Joining us now to tell us about

Their ordeal aboard the ship,

Passengers frank and gladys

Madden.

[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you guys for coming.

>> you're welcome.

Hello.

>> okay.

So mr. And mrs. Madden, I can't

Even begin to imagine what an

Ordeal that trip was like.

>> it was horrible.

It was a nightmare.

>> okay.

So tell us about the cruise.

>> where do I begin?

When we book our cruises, we

Always book the junior suite

Which has a queen bed and couch.

We show up, and we are in a

Junior sleeper which has a queen

Bed.

I go to open the window.

There is no window.

I'm furious.

>> okay.

Well, those actually seem to be

Complaints about the cruise

Itself.

What about the fire and the

Power outage?

>> I'll get to that.

Morning of the second day, I go

To the gym to use the stepper.

One of my few pleasures in life.

I walk in only to find there is

A jumping class.

You heard me, a jumping class.

Middle-aged heavy women jumping.

I turn around, go right back to

My room.

>> that sounds awful.

But surely things got worse when

The power went out.

>> things got worse.

The next night at dinner.

Seth, I've learned not to expect

Much from life.

But when you book a carnival

Cruise, you expect the dessert

Menu to include caramel flan.

We get to dessert, and the

Waiter says, "for dessert, we

Have three types of ice cream."

That's funny because at home, I

Have five types of ice cream.

He goes -- and I berated him.

>> and rightly so.

Frank, can you tell us about the

Power outage?

>> here's another one.

I signed us up for a couples'

Cha-cha class.

This one plays hooky.

I find him at the casino sitting

At the $5 baccarat table.

The jewish james bond over here.

>> what happened when the power

Went out?

>> day three.

I take a lunesta.

Put on my eye shade.

Power goes out.

Alarm never goes off.

I sleep for three days.

And I wake up in san diego being

Interviewed by wolf blitzer.

Who I do not care for.

>> frank, you let her sleep for

Three days?

>> wouldn't you?

>> gladys and frank madden,
Everybody.

[ applause ]

>>> voters in rhode island

Rejected a proposition last week

To change the state's official

Name from state of rhode island

And providence plantations to

Just rhode island, but I think

People are just going to keep

Calling it connecticut's

Foreskin.

>>> a man in pennsylvania was

Arrested after he smoked

Marijuana in the hospital to

Celebrate the birth of his

Child.

Celebrate or cope with?

>>> the first ever starbucks at

Sea was opened this week on a

Royal caribbean cruise ship, and

Somehow there's already a

Homeless guy in the bathroom.

>>> for "weekend update," I'm

Seth meyers!

Good night!

>>> and now back to --

St. Kat's middle school.

>> hey, what's up, guys?

How's it hanging?

Am I right?

>> hey marvin, how did your knee

Surgery go?

>> oh, no problems here.

Doc said I'll be up and walking

In no time.

>> hey marvin, what did you

Think of mr. Conklin's lecture

On the power of positive

Thinking today?

>> oh, I totally enjoyed it.

With positive thinking, you can

Do anything.

>> yeah.

>> exactly.

>> maybe if marvin used positive

Thinking, he could walk.

>> yeah!

>> I don't know, you guys.

I have a broken knee.

>> you'll never know if you

Don't try.

>> you know what?

You're absolutely right.

Okay.

Help me out of this wheelchair.

Okay.

Here we go.

Dang!

Get out of here!

Leave me!

You talked me into this!

Go away!

Go away!

I need to heal!

Leave me by myself!

>> I'm sorry, marvin.

I guess I thought our positive

Thinking would help you walk

Again.

>> I have a broken knee.

Get out of here!

>> I hope marvin doesn't hate

Us.

>> he hit the ground so hard on

His face.

>> hey, guys.

>> marvin.

>> marvin, you're not mad at us

For yesterday, are you?

>> no.

I'm mad at myself for allowing

Me to talk me into walking with

A broken knee.

Deep down I knew it wasn't a

Good idea.

>> hey, marvin, what did you

Think of mr. Conklin's anything

Is possible lecture today?

>> it was good.

I mean, most things are possible

Within reason.

>> marvin, I've been meaning to

Ask you, would you want to go to

The fall dance with me?

>> sure, I'll go with you.

I won't be able to dance, you

Know.

The broken knee.

>> hey, but what about the

Lecture?

Anything is possible?

>> in this case, it's not.

Because my knee's broken.

>> I bet if we played music, you

Wouldn't be saying that.

>> well, I think I'd be saying

That music or no music.

>> hit the music!

>> come on, guys.

Let's get marvin out of this

Wheelchair.

>> three, two, one.



>> I told you!

You don't listen!

My knee!

You knew about my knee!

Why won't y'all listen to me?

Just get out of here!

Leave me alone!

Leave me alone, I tell you!

Go away!

Go away!

>> man, if marvin ever forgives

Us, we'll be so super lucky.

>> hey, how's is hanging, guys?

>> marvin!

>> marvin, we are way sorry.

I just thought about us dancing

Together and nothing else.

>> yeah.

I thought about it long and

Hard, too.

This morning when I was working

My way out of the tub.

You guys arey best friends.

You just don't understand what

Broken knees are bp p about.

I'm partially to blame for that.

>> what did you think of mr.

Conklin's lecture, the sky's the

Limit?

>> I thought it was reckless.

Reckless and irresponsible.

>> it's time for mini tramp

Exercis

Exercises.

>> I think marvin should go

First because the sky's the

Limit.

>> you can't be serious.

>> yeah, kids, marvin can't jump

On the trampoline, right?

>> if marvin doesn't jump, no

Of us jump.

>> where is your brain?

In your butt?

>> okay, okay, okay.

You win.

Marvin, you can jump.

>> I don't want to jump!

You're a teacher!

Don't let this happen!

>> come on, guys.

Let's get him on the tramp.

>> no.

>> marvin!

>> go away!

Leave me be!

Leave me to my regrets!

Go away!

You're animals!

All of you!

Beasts, I tell you!

Get away from my face!

You don't listen!

My knee is broken!

Where's your common sense?

Go away.

>> marvin.

>> get out of here!

>>> next on the day's agenda, a

Very, very special treat.

The winners of our model u.N.

Competition are going to address

The general assembly and present

Their thoughts on world history.

So please welcome.

[ applause

>> hello.

Based on our hours logged

Deliberating at the model u.N.,

Here are our key thoughts on

World history thus far.

2,3,4 --



♪ the holocaust

What was that?

Hiroshima

What was that? ♪

♪ terrorism

What is that all about?

Slavery?

Come on guys ♪

♪ vietnam

What was that?

Nanking massacre

That totally sucked! ♪

♪ and rwanda

Real mature, guys!

Tiananmen square

Give me a break! ♪

♪ the inquisition

What was that?

The khmer rouge

So bogus! ♪

♪ armenian genocide

Unacceptable!

Ethnic cleansing

Talk to the hand! ♪

♪ apartheid

What was that?!

Get it together guys!

You're blowing it! ♪

♪ the middle east

Quit goofin' around!

And these oil spills

Hit the showers! ♪

♪ darfur

What are you guys doing? ♪

♪ but dancing --

That'll set your whole

Shake it off and dance ♪

♪ and dance your troubles away ♪

♪ fight off the evil ♪

♪ because it can't ruin our

Day ♪

♪ now rip your shirt wide open

And dance ♪

♪ come on you guys ♪

♪ dance with a boy and a girl ♪

♪ we're all just people ♪

♪ stand up ♪

♪ you've got to [ bleep ] and

Save the world ♪

>> what was that?

>> hi, y'all.

I'm paula deen, and you know my

Favorite two ingredients to cook

With are butter and oil.

But some people don't want all

That fat in their food.

That's why I'm introducing my

New product.

Paula deen's big old soak 'em

Paper towels, for when you want

To get the fat out of your good

Old southern food.

They are eight ply, y'all.

They really suck on up all that

Butter and oil that y just

Don't wa getting on your

Little ticker.

Watch this, y'all.

I'm going to put one of my

Famous butter-crusted drizzler

Biscuits on a big old piece of

Soak 'em.

And I'm just gonna let it sit

There like a frog on a log.

Let's wait ten seconds.

[ laughter ]

Now, look at that.

Laughter ]

That big old biscuit got all the

Butter and oil just soaked on

Right out of it.

Now that biscuit is a lot

More healthy, y'all.

Also, it tastes like [ bleep ].

[ laughter ]

Look, y'all, just between you,

Me and the chickens, I have to

Suggest this oil draining

Because health professionals are

Really backing up my back bumper

About my food making little

Children fat.

I was a fat child and look how I

Turned out.

I'm on tv, and I have a real

Foxy husband.

He is santalicious.

I'd love to sit on his lap.

And you should see how fat my

Little grandbaby boy is.

He is like a string of plump

Little sausages with a diaper on

It.

I just want to bite him.

He better watch it or I'm going

To put him in the fryer and

Serve him up on a bed of

Buttered noodles.

[ laughter ]

Oh, it is as hot as the devil's

Danglers in this kitchen.

Oh, my mercy me.

[ laughter ]

I am giving off some body butter

Today.

Y'all, please go buy you some of

These soak 'em so people will

Get off my double bubble.

I'm going to take a heat lamp and
put it on my face on my sun Porch.

I'd better put down a soak 'em
Or I'm going to ruin my pillows.

Love y'all!

>>> once again, arcade fire.

[ cheers and applause ]



♪ they heard me singing

And they told me to stop

Quit these pretentious things

And just punch the clock ♪

♪ these days my life

I feel it has no purpose

But late at night the

Feelings swim to ♪

♪ the surface

'cause on the surface

The city lights shine

They're calling at me ♪

♪ come and find your kind

Sometimes I wonder if

The world's so small

That we can never get ♪

♪ away from the sprawl

Living in the sprawl

Dead shopping malls rise

Like mountains ♪

♪ beyond mountains

And there's no end in sight

I need the darkness

Someone please ♪

♪ cut the lights

We rode our bikes

To the nearest park

Sat under the swings ♪

♪ and kissed in the dark

We shield our eyes

From the police lights

We run away ♪

♪ but we don't know why

On the black river

The city lights shine

They're screaming at us ♪

♪ we don't need your kind

Sometimes I wonder if

The world's so small

That we can never get ♪

♪ away from the sprawl

Living in the sprawl

Dead shopping malls rise like

Mountains beyond mountains ♪

♪ and there's no end in sight

I need the darkness

Someone please cut the lights





♪ they heard me singing

And they told me to stop

Quit these pretentious things

And just punch the clock ♪

♪ sometimes I wonder if

The world's so small

Can we ever get away

From the sprawl? ♪

♪ living in the sprawl

Dead shopping malls rise like

Mountains beyond mountains

And there's no end in sight ♪

♪ I need the darkness

Someone please cut the lights

I need the darkness

Someone please ♪

♪ cut the lights ♪





[ cheers and applause ]

>>> tlc presents "stars of

Tomorrow."

>> I travel all over the country

Looking for talented kids.

You never know where you'll find

The next abigail breslin.

And I still remember the night I

Went to akron, ohio, to see

11-year-old laura parsons.

>> from the moment laura was

Born, we knew she had something

Special.

She was a very expressive baby.

She would, like, cry when she

Wanted something.

We always knew she was amazing.

But at that first audition, she

Did a piece from "a few good

Men," she

Let everyone know.

>> son, we live in a world that

Has walls.

Those walls have to be guarded

By men with guns.

Who's going to do it?

You -- you -- you want the

Truth?

You can't handle the truth.

>> we have a word in the

Theater.

Show-stopper.

That audition got her the

Lead in some of the top kids'

Touring productions like

"rocking red riding hood" and

The mary-kate and ashley

Classic, "how the west was fun."

>> she was the only name in kids

Theater for a long time.

And then -- and then one day,

Everything changed.

>> amanda starr was just a poor

11-year-old kid from bethesda.

But when she hit that stage,

Boom!

Fireworks.

Amanda's audition for "on the

Waterfront" had everyone

Talking.

>> you don't understand.

I could have had class.

I could have been a contender.

I could have been somebody.

Instead of a bum which is what I

Am.

Let's face it.

It was you, charlie.

>> that's when the rivalry

Started.

And it was -- it was so hard.

I couldn't eat.

I couldn't sleep.

But laura stayed strong and took

Care of the both of us.

>> I really wanted to work with

Laura and man da butdy but I co.

It was an all-african-american

Cast, so I had no use for either

Of the girls.

>> they never thought she had a

Shot until they saw laura

Perform the character bubba from

"forrest gump."

>> you ever been on a real

Shrimp boat?

I'm talking about a shrimping

Boat.

I've been working on shrimp

Boats all my life.

People call me bubba.

Just like one of them redneck

Boys.

Can you believe that?

Anyway, like I was saying,

Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.

You can barbecue it, boil it,

Broil it, make shrimp soup,

Shrimp stew, shrimp and

Potatoes.

And that's -- that's about it.

[ laughter ]

>> oh, yes, they pushed each

Other.

Once mandy heard that laura was

Auditioning for an

African-american part, she knew

What she had to do.

Sophie from "the color purple."

>> all my life I had to fight.

I had to fight my daddy.

I had to fight my uncles.

I had to fight my brothers.

A girl travelling safe in a

Family of men.

But I ain't never thought I'd

Have to fight in my own house.

I loved harpo.

God knows I do.

But I'll kill him dead before I

Let him beat me.

>> amanda and laura were the

Biggest names.

We had no choice.

We cast mandy in the part of

Mama and laura as her husband,

Walter.

>> of course, it was a

Sensation.

People talked about it for

Weeks.

That's when laura and mandy

Realized it was better to work

Together than as rivals.

In their next project, they

Decided to collaborate.

>> if you'd have told me that

Our company was going to do a

Stage version of "brokeback

Mountain," I would have been

Skeptical.

But then you said that the lead

Roles of the two gay cowboys

Will be played by 11-year-old

Girls, I would tell you it can't

Be done.

>> why didn't you just let me

Be?

It's because of you, jack twist,

That I'd like this.

I'm nothing.

I'm nowhere.

I can't stand being like this no

More.

>> I tell you what, we could

Have had a good life together,

But you didn't want it, ennis.

So what we've got now is

Brokeback mountain.

You have no idea how bad it

Gets.

A couple every year.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

>> opening night was a

Ten-minute standing ovation.

We have a word in theater,

Gaymazing.

That was double gaymazing.

>>> ceramic busts.

Nothing says I'm a millionaire

More than ceramic busts.

You want to start rumors that

You come from a rich family?

Get yourself some ceramic busts.

Fill your house with them.

You like having orange juice and

Toast for breakfast?

Try having it with ceramic

Busts.

Now you're eating in a european

Museum.

You're doing a bunch of work on

Your computer at home?

Put a ceramic bust on it.

Pretty soon you'll be logging on

To those yacht websites.

You like freshening up in the

Bathroom?

Freshen up with ceramic busts

Everywhere.

You're going to think you're

Washing your hands in the white

House.

And I mean the top floor.

You've got to get yourself these

Ceramic busts.

It's people from all over

History.

France, greece, shakespeare.

[ light laughter ]

People are going to look at

These and think you own a

Mercedes.

Don't believe me?

Try asking my daughter, lexi.

>> come on.

Just get these already.

Don't you want people to look

Into your house and say, "whoa.

That must be a family of brain

Surgeons.

I bet they listen to classical

Music every day."
Look at this one.

Who is that?
Sir isaac newton?

Who's that one?
Beethoven?

Is that one zeus?

Everyone's going to see these
And go, "god, they probably have

A tennis court back there behind
The bushes."

I mean, imagine waking up and The
first thing you see is a Face like this one.

Or that one.
Or this one.

Or that one.

>> these things have no arms and
No legs.

So they're not going anywhere.

Plus, every customer gets a free
Copy of "the kama sutra."

You know what that's about,
Right?

I insist, you should really get

Yourself some ceramic busts.

Come to mike's bustaria on

Central avenue.





[ cheers and applause ]

>> you've gotta get yourself
some ceramic busts.

>>> thanks to arcade fire!

Thank you so much for watching.
Thanks to "snl" cast and crew.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Good night!