Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 36, Episode 20 - Tina Fey/Ellie Goulding - full transcript

{a6}Next:***

*****

today the Pentagon released eye tape
seized in Sunday's raid in Pakistan,

purported to be osama bin
laden's last will and testament.

The tape runs about three minutes.

Translator: Allah be praised.

I, osama bin laden, being
in present and good health

and of sound mind and
memory, thanks be to Allah,

hereby declare the following to
be my last will and testament.

First, as to my funeral arrangements,

it is my wish that they be conducted
in strict accordance with islamic law.



As pallbearers, I designate
my five oldest sons

and Dakota fanning.

If Dakota fanning is
positively unavailable,

my executors may replace her
with a Dakota fanning look-alike,

although I do ask that they try
to get the real Dakota fanning

if that is at all possible.

If by the time of my death

Dakota fanning is over 12 years of age

or is no longer a virgin,

my executors are to replace her with
her younger sister if she has one.

Although, again, a 12-year-old
virgin Dakota fanning

is my absolute first choice.

Second, as to my place of burial,

I leave the decision to my
executors, provided that wherever it is,



they do not bury me at sea.

As my family well knows, I have a
deathly fear of being eaten by fish,

so I'm very serious about this.

Do not bury me at sea.

Third, as executor to this, my
last will and testament,

I name my dear friends at the
Pakistani intelligence services.

They are solid, reliable people

and, may I add, among the few
individuals a person can still trust

in this corrupt, cynical
world we live in.

Fourth, as a special bequest

to my devoted human shield, fatima,

I leave an autographed picture

along with the bulletproof
vest she always asks about.

Finally, before I discuss the
disposition of my worldly estate

consisting of cash, stocks, bonds,

annuities and certificates of deposit,

has always been greatly
exaggerated by the media.

Frankly, I have no idea where
they get some of their numbers.

Second, bear in mind that
my investment portfolio

was badly hurt by the
market downturn in 2008,

plus the subsequent flash crash

and is not fully recovered.

In addition, I have incurred a number
of major expenses in the last few years,

building my compound, paying
bodyguards and couriers,

training and equipping jihadists,

medical expenses, laundry,

office supplies, sandals and so on.

So that should be factored in as well.

Also, with 115
children, 750 grandchildren,

and 11,000 nieces and nephews,

each individual share may not be as
large as he or she may have anticipated.

So all that having been
said, I hereby leave to my heirs

to be divided among them equally,

my entire personal estate currently
valued at 3,600,000 Pakistani ruppees

or $781.61 U.S.

Obviously, this is not as much
as you or I would have hoped for,

but there you have it. It is what it is.

Also, some of this, I
imagine, will go to probate fees.

Now, I know that many of you must be
disappointed at the size of the estate,

and I suppose that now I'm
suddenly some kind of bad person.

Do I wish the estate
were larger? Of course.

I wish a lot of things.

I wish we had outdoor air conditioning.

I wish mecca had better restaurants.

I wish camel poop
tasted like spicy hummus,

but guess what? It doesn't.

So I leave you with this.

Instead of complaining
about what we don't have,

let's just be thankful for what we do.

Our health, each
other... and best of all,

the knowledge that try as they might,

the Americans will never catch me.

Isn't that the most important thing?

I hereby declare the above to
be my last will and testament,

and live from new
York, it's Saturday night.

with Fred armisen

Abby elliott

bill hader

Seth meyers

Bobby moynihan

Andy samberg

Jason sudeikis

kenan Thompson

kristen wiig

featuring -

Vanessa bayer

Paul brittain

taran killam

nasim pedrad

Jay pharoah

musical guest

Ellie goulding

and your host, tina fey!

Ladies and gentlemen, tina fey!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

It is great to be here

hosting the mother's day
episode of "Saturday night live."

And I know there is kind of a
famous impression I do on the show,

and maybe people are wondering
if I'm going to do it.

So here it is.

I sure do like them there
French fried potatoes.

Okay, I did it. We can all relax.

This is a really exciting time for me.

I have the number one
book in the country.

And the number 86 tv show.

And I don't know if you
guys noticed when I came out,

but I have been drinking a lot of beer.

And I'm expecting my second child.

Because I am six months pregnant,

this should make for some
exciting live television.

Be sure to keep your at-home

there is an incredibly good chance

that I will accidentally break wind at
someepoint during tonight's performance.

And it is mother's day, and I
am the "snl" family right now.

So please welcome the
fabulous Maya Rudolph.

Thanks for having me, tina.

That's what our babies
are going to be saying.

You know, I think I speak for Maya when
I say we really love being mothers.

And I think I speak for Tina

when I say we can't wait to
meet our precious new ones.

We have so much to tell them.

Maybe we should start right now.

Sweet little baby

tiny little darling

I cannot wait to know you

I can feel you kick me

so happy that you picked me

I cannot wait to hold you

I look into your eyes

and see my little copy

the reason that you're here

is your parents got real sloppy

that's right.

And you are the proof that
we've been doing it doing it

making super sexy heat your mom
and dad have been doing it doing it

baby you are the receipt

baby you endorse

that we've been having intercourse

oh baby

oh baby baby baby baby

I have so many things I
want to say to you, baby.

Baby, thank you for my
ginormous temporary tatas.

I promise to work them in bikini
tops until the moment you are born.

Baby, I'm sorry about that three weeks

that I didn't know you were in there.

The little Sushi rose wine and
roller coasters never hurt nobody.

Promise me baby that

if you're a lady, don't
move in with Charlie sheen

or whoever is Charlie
sheen at that future time.

Probably still Charlie sheen.

That son of a bitch is
going to live forever.

Yep.

Baby, when you're coming out,

I may call you some
names I didn't really mean

like uterus hog, damn jerk.

And the only one I
meant, pain in the vagina.

Baby, when you gre ow up, dot
make the same mistakes I made,

specifically getting drunk on rose wine

and having unprotected sex on
a roller coaster at epcot Japan.

P baby, no matter what I say always know

that mama loves you as
much as she loves doing it.

Now with the help of science
and a sonogram machine,

*****

we will do duets with our
unborn feti Natalie Cole style.

You're my baby

I'm your baby you're my mother

I'm your mother

*****

when we say that we've been doing it

we mean love

love

Ellie goulding is here!

And now a special fox news presentation.

Live at Daniel Webster college
in nashua, new Hampshire.

It's the 2012 undeclared
candidates debate

with your host, shepard Smith.

I'm Shepard Smith.

My voice is both reassuring
and deeply unsettling.

Welcome this week's second gop debate.

On thhrsday five official republican
candidates squared off in South Carolina.

The debate included Ron
Paul, tim pawlenty, rick santorum

and I'm going to stop
there before I fall asleep.

Why don't we shift from the candidates

you don't know much about to
candidates you wish you knew less about.

Please welcome former
Massachusetts governor mitt romney.

****

I've been smiling for the last four
years, but I haven't been happy once.

Former speaker of the
house, newt gingrich.

I love the '90s.

Minnesota congresswoman
Michele bachmann.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Current famous person Sarah Palin.

Hi there.

You know, it's just so great
to be back on fox news,

a network that both pays me and
shows me the questions ahead of time.

And I hope that tonight the
lamestream media won't twist my words

by repeating them verbatim.

And the Andrew "dice" Clay of the
real estate world, donald trump.

The ratings for tonight's
debate are going to be huge!

As big as last Sunday's "apprentice"

where star Jones got so mad
she almost popped a staple.

Plus, at the end, we finally
killed osama bin laden.

Osama, boom, you're fired.

Finally, he was uninvited but fought his
way through security and refuses to leave,

former New York gubernatorial candidate

and current member of the podiums are
too damn expensive party, jimmy mcmillen.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.

My name is Jimmy mcmillen,

and I believe with the
help of America's voters,

I could be this nation's
last black president.

We begin with mitt romney.
You ran and lost in 2008.

What make you think you
have a chance this time?

Peoole say a lot of things about me.

They say I'm
rich, disconnected, a dead fish,

they say I look like a
villain in a lifetime movie.

Look out, meredith baxt Baxter-birney.

Why do they let me talk

****

in newt gingrich, you've
never ran for president

and I have a feeling you don't want to.

Would you like to duck out early?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Bye, newt.

Michele bachmann. When msnbc wants to
scare liberals into caring about elections,

they have you on as a guest.

Hhw can you win over
the independent voters?

Shepard, I'm hoping to establish a
fatal attraction situation with America.

First I'll come off as intense
and even a little bit sexy.

Over time the intensity
will become overwhelming

and you'll begin to fear what
I will do if you make me angry.

A crazy woman untethered
can be a dangerous thing.

Cars get keyed, on your doorstep.

You'll decide it's safer to marry
me so you can keep an eye on me.

America, I challenge you
to a staring contest.

And it begins now.

Well, mark me down as scared and horny.

Sarah Palin, many thought you
needed to bone up on policy

to be a serious candidate in 2012.

Instead you seem to have done the opposite,
focusing on reality television and Twitter.

What, if anything, new do you have
to offer the American people?

Well, first, I want to acknowledge

that this week we finally vanquished
one of the world's great villains,

Ann I, foo one, am thrilled to say
good riddance to Katie Couric.

As for boning up on
experience and policy,

I'm planning a trip to the middle east

where I will be flipping a cameo in
"hangover 3," the third "hangover."

The fellows go to a bar, and I'm there.

I also recently purchased
rosetta stone English.

But the important
thing for people to know

is that I'm going to be running
for president every four years

for the rest of my life.

It's my Olympics, and I intend
to win a whole bunch of silvers.

Donald trump. Go.

You're welcome.

You know, there's a great American
movie called "citizen Kane."

It's about a man who kicks
ass and makes a ton of money.

I haven't seen the ending of this movie,

but I assume it ends with
him happy and president.

I want to be your citizen trump.

And if you criticize me, just
remember, I'm rubber and you're gold.

So whatever you say
doesn't you're losers.

Except you.

Sarah Palin, I like you.

If you want to be my vice president,

all you have to do is sell more chili

than nene atlant leakes over the course
of a hot summer day in Times Square.

To conclude, this is a great time
for this nation's greatest man, me.

"The celebrity apprentice"
Sundays at 9:00 P.M. only on nbc.

Bing, bong, bbom. You're fired. I'm hired.

As president, you're
fired. "The apprentice."

And finally, jimmy mcmillan.

Well, first, I want to address
those in the birther movement

who claim I was born a Billy goat.

Your suspicions are confirmed.

Part "c," I have recently
received intelligence

that osama bin laden
is hiding in the ocean.

I will not rest until I find him.

So this mother's day, vote
for me, the black lorax.

Now, let this debate begin!

That concludes tooighh's debate.

And in closing, I'd like to congratulate
Barack Obama on his re-election.

I'm Shepard Smith. And
I'm a silly little catfish.

Good night.

May***

oh, crabby, the human world is so amazing.

Wwen I went up there, I saw people
dancing and seahorse-less carriages

and I even found a watchamadoodle.

Princess, look around you.

You have everything you need right
here at the bottom of the ocean.

I don't know, crabby.

Trust me, girl. The
human world is a mess.

But down here, it's paradise.

What do you mean, crabby?

Well, I'll tell you what I mean.

Below the waves below the waves

we're always gabbing

below the waves take it princess

everyone's happy and relaxed

we got a seahorse on the sax

look at that manta he's
drinking fanta below the waves

you know what, crabby? You're right.

The bottom of the ocean
is the perfect place to be.

That's the spirit, princess.

All of the dolphins play
keyboard and the shrimp -

what is on me?

Can somebody tell me
what's on me, please?

It's some sort of body wrapped in a -

what's that word again? Shroud

oh, my God!

It's osama bin laden!

They threw bin laden's
body in the ocean.

Get him off of me.

Wow, he's really dead.

This is a lot to process. I
don't even know how to react.

I know how to react.

Usa! Usa!

Guys, I find that really distasteful.

But we got him!

You didn't do anything.
And you're drunk.

I'm drunk because I'm celebrating.

And you're using this as
an excuse. To get drunker.

Yeah, you got me.

Can we talk about this after
you get him off me? Please?

I mean, this guy caused 9/11.

Did he?

Shut up.

No one wants to hear your
conspiracy theories, manta.

I have had it with these humans.

They throw down their
garbage, their oil spills

and their cruise ships
use our home as a toilet.

So do we. I'm going right now.

Besides, crabby, they probably
couldn't bury him on land

because his supporters would
turn his grave into a shrine.

So? Good.

Bury him, and then when
anyone shows up, arrest them.

Or just bury him at gitmo.

I'm here to see osama bin laden's grave.

Oh, here he is right over
here. Welcome to jail.

Crabby, calm down.
You're turning all red.

I'm red because I'm a crab.

Now, get Obama off of me. I mean osama.

I keep doing that.

Just one letter. Pretty weird, right?

Shut up.

Look, crabby, the current
is taking his body away.

We'll never have to see himm again.

If it was even him.

Below the waves below the waves

we always jamming down with the salmon

below the waves

digital short

an***

guys, michael Bolton is here.

- Oh, great. Send him in.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, thanks for coming.
- Really sorry I'm late.

I just got caught up watching "the
pirates oo the Caribbean" marathon.

- Have you seen those things? -
Oh yeah. - Yeah, those are great.

Well, I listened to your
track and I loved it.

And I wrote you this big, sexy hook
I think you're going to really dig.

Wow, that's great. You
want to just lay it down?

Boys. Let's get to it.

Here we go

lonely island Michael Bolton

together on the track the boys are back

the night starts now starts now

baby roll with us

she'll be snapping at the neck

when we rolling up rolling up

ain't no holding up black
car at the bar like I give a -

give me eyes when we walk into the set

brothers getting jealous
they about to get wrecked

sound on my waste shank in my sock

you either get cut or get shot

this is the tale of captain Jack sparrow

pirates rave on seven seas

- what.
- To the isle of tortuga

raving like slaves on the ocean breeze

yeah that was kind of weird
but we're back in the club

buying up the bar with
the movie showing club

people like me I'm the top gunner

keep it on blast I'm
the number one stunner

Jack sparrow

touch it girl because I'm
not your mister nice guy

more like the mister
take you home and do ou

twice guy all dressed
up with nowhere to run

- and I'll make you feel crazy.
- Now back to the good part

since he was born

he yearned for adventure

old captain Jack

the man was strong

the sorcerer of the surf

the Jester of tortuga

Davy Jones locker

- what lies in store.
- I've seen the movie

put your hands in the air
and say hell yeah come on

captain Jack what Johnny depp

no hustle back saying
we count that come on

Davy Jones giant squid

Michael Bolton we're really
going to need you to focus up

Roger that let me try with another film

wait life is a box of chocolates

- and my name is ffrrest gump.
- Not better

I'm not the sharpest tool.

- I gave Jenny all my love.
- Come on

I came in as a legal aide

Erin brockovich is my name

- oh God.
- You can call me sccrface

snorting mountains of cocaine

you cockroaches want to play rough?

Okay I'm reloaded

this is the tale of Tony Montana

a Cuban of fame with a Miami love

*****

this small town just waiting

*****

you complete me

ladies and gentlemen, ellie goulding.

I had a way then

losing it all on my own

I had a heart then

but the queen has been overthrown

and I'm not sleeping now

the dark is too hard to beat

and I'm not keeping now

the strength I need

you show the lights ttat
stop me turn to stone

you shine it when I'm alone

and so I tell myself that I'll be strong

and dreaming when they're gone

'cause they're calling calling,

calling me home

calling, calling, calling home

you show the lights that
stop me turn to stonn

you shine it when I'm alone

I play within my head

touch my own skin

and hope that I'm still breathing

and I think back to when

my brother and my sister slept

in an unlocked place

the only time I feel safe

you show the lights that
stop me turn to stone

you shine it when I'm alone

and so I tell myself that I'll be strong

and dreaming when they're gone

'cause they're calling
calling, calling me home

calling, calling, calling home

you show the lights that
stop me turn to stone

you shine it when I'm alone

light, lights, lights, lights
light, lights, lights

you show the lights that
stop me turn to stone

you shine it when I'm alone

aad so I tell myself that I'll be strong

and dreaming when they're gone

'cause they're calling
calling, calling me home

calling, calling calling home

you show the lights that
stop me turn to stone

you shine it when I'm alone

lights, lights, lights, lights
lights, lights, lights

weekend update

"weekend update" with

good evening, I'm Seth meyers, and
here are tonight's top stories.

{a6}Dead

{a6}Not armed

well, somewhere high above us,

there's 72 super bummed-out virgins.

The white house on Tuesday revealed

that osama bin laden was not armed
when Navy s.E.A.L.S found him,

but they say he did resist them.

Hey, white house, armed, unarmed, not
resisting, holding a bunny,

we're totally cool with
you shooting bin laden.

So, I'm guessing this week everybody looked
like a Navy s.E.A.L. To moammar gadhafi.

{a6}Muammar qaddafi

dude, do not sneak up on me like that!

{a6}Al***

al qaeda on Friday released a statement
confirming the death of osama bin laden.

They also announced that as a
result, monday will be a half day.

{a6}Conspiracy***

in the wake of president
Obama's decision

to not release pictures
of osama bin laden's body,

a number of new conspiracy
theories are surfacing

claiming that bin
laden is not really dead

which means Barack Obama
will go down in history

as the first black person ever

o have to prove that he killed someone.

First one.

{a6}Approval***

in the wake of the
killing of osama bin laden,

president Obama's approval
rating jumped to 56%,

his highest in two years,

which shows that there is literally
nothing he can do to please the other 44%.

Week's big story, please
welcome the devil.

Hi, the devil.

You don't seem like
your usual, upbeat self.

Didn't you hear, we got bin laden?

Yeah. Yeah, you got bin laden.

You know what that means, right?

Now I got bin laden.

So?

You know how it's my job to
could ever imagine? All right?

He was already living in a walled-in
compound with 9 wives and 23 kids.

Usually when people come to hell,

the first thing I do is give
them four wives and seven kids.

But 9 and 23? Ooh, my
goodness, no! Alllright?

And a place where he was, you
know, staying in had no Internet, okay?

No Internet at all.

I mean, even in hell we have dial-up.

I may be the devil, but
I'm not a monster.

- I don't want to tell you how to do your job.
- Then don't.

Why not just hit him with
some fire and brimstone?

Yeah, you know what they call fire and
brimstone in Pakistan, seth? August.

This is a tough one, man.

Look, you're the devil.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Thanks, bro.

It's so rare for people
to be so encouraging to me.

I kind of consider you a friend.

- Oh, don't.
- No, I do. I do. It's already done.

Any-hell I just don't like, you
know, the guy being there, okay?

He gives everyone the willies.

The other day I heard Jeffrey
dahmer say "not in my backyard."

And I do not like the fact that
bin laden calls America the &

sorry.

Copyright and trrdemark since, I
don't know, the beginning of time.

Okay? Yo soy el diablo, comprendo?

Major balls on that dude. Major balls.

And guess this. The very first
day, walks right up to me and goes,

okay. Where's my 72 virgins?

Bro, this is hell.

It's not exactly crawling with virgins.

You take what you gets around here.

I'm sorry to hear it's not going well.

- There's not even a word for this.
- What do you mean?

This is awkward, but we can't find him.

- You lost him?
- No, no. No...

We lost track of him temporarily.

I'm certain of it.

I'm sure he'll pop up.

And hey, if you're osama, you
know, I will find you.

You think he's watching?
You have tv in hell?

Just nbc.

Whatever happened to "outsource"?

I loved that show.

It was a riot.

So what else is going on with you?

Me? Well, it's New York City.

So I've got to go sit on some shoulders
down in the financial district.

****

in queens, I've got to make a cameo
in some meth addict's hallucination.

Teaching a seminar to the
Pakistani intelligence agency

called see something, don't
say something.

Then, of course, tomorrow I've
got to take my mom out to brunch.

Speaking of hell.

- That's nice. Who's your mom?
- The snapple lady.

- She seems so nicee.
- Yeah, she is.

No, she's super disappointed in mol.

- The devil, everybody.
- ***

{a6}Boy rescued

a teenage boy in Alaska was arrested by police
when he started riding a chunk of ice down a river.

New history channel reality
show "ice chunk dummies."

It was announced Monday that the black eyed
peas will hold a free concert this summer.

A free Black Eyed Peas concert, that's
just too true to be good.

Icechunk dummies

{a6}Free cincert

{a6}Oldest newlyweds

a 100-year-old man in California this
week married his 93-year-old girlfriend.

I don't know, dude. Onn woman
for the rest of your life?

This Wednesday, may 4th, was "star wars"
day as in may the 4th be with you.

Yeah, I get it. Just fix my
e-mail and get out of my office.

P while people around the world are
rejoicing over the demise of osama bin laden,

several anti-American leaders still remain
in power such as Libya's moammar gadhafi

who many considdr to
be a serious threat.

Here to defend him are gadhafi's
two best friends from growing up.

{a6}Gaddafi's two best
friends from growing up

hi, seth. Thank you.

Moammar gadhafi is one of the hate hatest, most
ruthless duck tat r dictators in the world.

***********

****************

***we're happy for him.lf he's
successful, it's the best in the world.

It's just kind of
weird, like he's very, like -

- obsessed. Like just talks about himself.
- Himself.

Talks about people he
hates. We, like, go to lunch.

And, like, okay, I'll be
talking about my career.

I'm sorry, your what?

My career. And I'm, like, oh.

I'm doing really well. He's really
sweet and o cf1 o everything.

And he'll just, like, turn and he'll
be, like, I just fired d l my generals.

Guys, I'm sorry, I can't
really hear you guys.

- Are you saying you don't like him?
- No.

- ***we'd do anything for him.
- He's totally like myybuddy.

It's just that when he gets that way,

that's not really how friendship works.

That's not friendship.

We're all sitting around
laughing. The waiter comes around.

So ******oh, somebody's going
to skip dessert. We're all good.

Don't do that. Like a joke.

- It hurts my feelings.
- Okay, guys.

- You know you're on tv, right?
- No, no, no.

- His our friend and he's smart.
- He's under a lot of pressure. We get it.

And then he just laughed and was, like, you
guys are going to go straight to the press

and make me look likeea maniac.*****why?

Don't do that.

Okay. You know, I'm sorry.

Okay. I really can't hear you at all,

but it sounds like being best friends
with gadhafi can be challenging.

It's kind of like your
relationship with Tina.

It's not anything like that. I love Tina.

I will say -

Seth meyers, eeerybody.

Gadhafi's best friends from growing up.

{a6}Cdc heat cold cuts

in order to reduce the
risk of listeria bacteria,

the centers for disease control has been warning
to people over the age of 50 to heat cold uts

or as they will now be known, cuts.

{a6}Sex study

a new study finds that the average college-age
man thinks about sex 18 times a day.

Oh, I'm sorry.I left
out the ord "bazillion."

18 bazillion times a day.

This week children more than 1,700
schools in north America sang the song.

"I want to play" at the same time
while simultaneously in China,

over 1 billion kids were doing math.

{a6}Group sing

tomorrow's mother's day,

and thousands of new yorkers will be taking
their moms out for a big day in the big apple.

Here with some tips on where to celebrate your
mom's special day is our city correspondent, stefan.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Stefan, how you been?
- The same.

- Yeah. Crazy about bin laden, huh?
- I know. That guy's hilarious.

Okay, stefan. A lot of people are taking
their moms out on the town tomorrow.

Any tips on where they can go to
have a fun-filled mother's day?

Yes. If you want your mom to have a
ddy filled with fun, look no further.

New York's hottest club is ugh!

Located in the middle
of the West Side highway.

It's created by club
owner baloney danza.

This place has
everything, split kicks, pachucos,

pile after pile of expired lunchables.

A Hawaiian cleaning lady that
looks like smoky Robinson.

And look who just walked
in. Is that Natalie Portman?

No, it's an old Irish black
man that we call Murphy brown.

Plus, if you come this Sunday, you'll meet
2-year-old ultimate fighter drooly lips Jackson.

He's got fists like emppnadas,

and he is my best friend.

- We'll get to meet him if we come this Sunday?
- ****

- bad job.
- Why?

Stefan, when I said a
place to take your mom,

I was looking for somewhere more wholesome.You
know, a lot of people's moms are a little older

and want to go somewhere
nice and relaxing.

- *******thaa?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

If you're looking to relax with
an old lady, look no further.

New York's hottest club is sparky!

- Spicey?
- Spicy.

Opens in 2017 on the upper
east side of a dumpster.

This 24-hour bitch fest is the creation
of club owner rabbi Jew diamond Phillips.

This place has everything. Sand worms,

geishas, rock eaters, a seven-level
course in adult education.

And it you want to relax, you can kick
back in your very own subway sleeping bag.

What is a subway sleeping bag?

It's that thing when you're on the train
and you sit between two guys in fubu jackets.

Name one mother that would like that.

My mom. Miss Stefan.

Oh really? What's your
dad's name? Mr. Steean?

No, it's David bowie.

- Stefan, look.
- Oh, I'm looking.

I'm asking for your help here. I'm
going over to my mother's tomorrow.

- Don't you think it's time we met?
- And I'm taking my girlfriend.

I want my mom to have a great I mean,

- this woman raised me and changed my diapers.
- Lucky lady.

And I want to thank her for doing the
toughest job in the world, being a mom.

That was beautiful.And
I think I can help.

If you want to say
thank you to your mom,

- take her to central park.
- This I like.

And bond while flying a human kite.

- What's a human kite?
- It's that thing where you tie a string to a midget and a windbreaker

and then you run through a field.

Stefan!

What did I do? I'm helping you learn.

Are you going to take your mom to
fly a human kite for mother's day?

Miss Stefan's out of town.
I'm all alone on mother's day.

I had no idea. Even though
you didn't help tonight at all,

no young club kid should
be alone on mother's day.

Why don't ou come with
me and meet my mom.

- Sleepover!
- Stefan, eveeybody.

- Hi, mom.***
- *****

okay, guys.

Over the last few weeks we've talked about
epidurals and other pain management options.

But how many of you are
planning a natural birth?

I really want to do nattral childbirth, but
my husband keeps fighting me on it.

Hey, as long as they still give
me drugs for it, I'll be fine.

Well, people all over the world choose natural
childdirth, and it can actually be quite beautiful.

Hopefully this tape will encourage
everyone to give it a try.

- What kind of tapeeis thht?
- It's a vhm tape.

It's like a vhs tape, but they only use
it in French-speaking Canada and Portland.

Victor and leilani are
expecting their first child.

Leilani and Victor have chosen
to have a natural childbirth

here in the yurt with the insurance monee they
have received from their previous yurt fire.

Victor coaches leilani through sounds
that will help her relax and open herself.

- See how calm that guy is?
- Of course he's calm.

He just heard on the radio
that the Vietnam war was over.

Instead of using narcotics,

leilani releases her pain through
focused breath into her partner's mouth.

Oh, my God, there's so much curry
breath being exchanged right now.

*************

that is the dirtiest thing I've ever seen.
And I'm talking about bottoms of her feet.

When leilani feels ready for the ecstasy
of pushing, victor removes her tunic.

Hey oh. Laboosh.

Is that her, or does she have
a standard poodle in her lap.

Freed from the constraints of a
hospital bed, the couch allows leilani

to experiment with what birthing
position is most comfortable for her.

She can try any position she wants.That
baby's not coming out without a weed whacker.

Having children in the
room is a comfort to leilani

and to remind her of the beautiful
new life about to rip her perineum.

Why are they making
their children watch this?

No, wait. They said this
was their first child.

Whose children are those?

Oh, my God, they're in Halloween costumes.

That is some murky business.

As the fields of poppies
blooms almost all at once,

leilani's birthing calls catch the ear of another
woman in the area who is ripened with child.

There were less people than
that at our last garage sale.

These two moon sisters in complete
synchronicity with nature and their bodies

assume a position where they
can deliver each other's child.

Did the devil make this movie?

- Does this play on a flat-screen in the
lobby of hell?- Well, well, well, hang on.

This part isn't so bad.

****they call in response.

No, never mind. Still terrible.

Ew, they're looking right at us!

With one final yet gentle
push and a mutually quiet

and shameless bowel movement,

leilani and endicott bring two
healthy boyssinto the world.

Victor and jazurus are
joyful beyond words.

Wait what, are those
iPhones? When was this made?

I recorded this last week.

This next section, they
cook the placenta in a wok.

No!

No!

Hi, bedelia.You want
to play truth or dare?

We're going to dare Danielle to put
a picture of her boobs on Facebook.

No thanks. My mom should
be here any second.

- You're going home already?
- No, she's coming over to chill.

I figured the sleepover could
use a strong female role model.

Um, okay.

Bedelia, honey. Is everything okay?

Oh, hey, mom.

It's 1:00 in the morning.Why
did you have me come back here?

Let's just say in a reverse Elvis,

I was looking for a little less
action and a little more conversation.

So what's shaking, bacon?

Honey, I've got to go. I feel weird here.

Mom, come on. Let's hang out.

Bedelia, this is a sleepover. It's
a big bonding time for you kids.

- Isn't your best friend here?
- Yeah, dumb ass, I'm looking at her.

Hey, turn to the side.

And she's gone. Seriously, mom, gain
some weight.

That's very sweet.

Hey, look, these kids seem like
they're having a good time.

- Why don't you go say hi.
- No way.

Stacy's little brother's over there.I
don't want him putting thee moves on me.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about Tristan.

He's very gentle. Go talk to them.

Okay, cutie.Miss me.

Hey, guys. You buzzing about my mom?

Um, no.

Why did you invite your mom?

Wow! Where to begin.She drinks light tea.

She's met Dan rather. She
knows how to clean silk.

Should I keep going?

No, we're good.

You guys ever heard of France? She's
got a coffee table book about it.

We don't want to talk about your
mom, bedelia. We're playing truth or dare.

Okay. I dare you to find a woman who strikes
a better balance between work and family.

- Are you talking about your mom again?
- You get it.

She gets it. Bye.

Ouch! Turn your hair down.

- What?
- Seriously, mom. It's got mad volume.

So are you nearing menopause?

- Bedelia, we're not talking about that.
- Okay.

Hey, flash me those caps.

- Oh, honey.
- Come on.

Whoomp there it is.

Know thy self mom, you're a milf.

- Excuse me?
- Mom I'd like to friend.

Oh, look. A couple of boys from your class
just sneaked in through the basement window.

Wow, so much of the effectiveness of
that psloman shield sign out front.

- Just go say hi.
- Okay. Bye, sexy.

Never have I ever made
out with Trisha fagan.

- You did, too?
- I'm so horny.

This is the bomb!

Hey, guys. Better keep it pg.

My mom's got her binocs on us.

- You brought yoor mom to this?
- Oh, yeah. She's the best.

She reuses ziploc bags. She dry
shaves. I'm, like, sign me up.

Stop talking about
your mom. We don't care.

Okay. Well, if you change
your mind, mom's over there.

She took a class about web design.******

- ******
- Your loss. Bye.

Whoa, someone's face
doesn't need a dictionary.

- What?
- Seriously, mom, your cheekbones are defined.

All right, bedelia, I think we
need to spend more time apart.

Wait. What are you saying?

I love you, but you shouldn't
want to hang out with me so much.

What are you talking
about? You're so cool.

I'm not cool. I bought
this coat at sears.

It's a great fit at a sensible rice.

Honey, I take calcium pills.

Yeah and your kkck-ass
bone density reflects that.

Bedelia, I'm going home.

If you leave me, I have nobody.

That's not true, sweetheart.

If you just let these kids get to
see what I see, a beautiful person.

- Hey, guss.
- Hi.

Can I get a ride with you?

I'd rather go home and
play pyahtzee with my mom.

She's one in a million.She's like -

she's one of those ladies who's got the legs of
Cheryl tiegs and the easy charm of Craig ferguson.

Mine too!

Hey, mom, can I go upstairs
and close mouth kiss this guy?

Yes, please. Nothing
would make me happier.

Hey, does your mom like
jazz cd's at Starbucks?

You kids hiding beer
down here? I know you are

I need one

once again, ellie goulding

♪ it's a little bit funny ♪

♪ this feeling inside ♪

♪ I'm not one of those
who can easily hide ♪

♪ I don't have much
money but boy if I did ♪

♪ I'd buy a big house
where we both could live ♪

♪ so excuse me forgetting
but these things I do ♪

♪ see I've forgotten if
they're green or they're blue ♪

♪ anyway the thing is
what I really mean ♪

♪ yours are the sweetest
eyes I've ever seen ♪

♪
♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
♪

♪ this is your song ♪

♪ it may be quite simple but ♪

♪ now that is done I
hope you don't mind ♪

♪ I hope you don't mind
that I put down in words ♪

♪ how wonderful life is ♪

♪ now you're in the world ♪

♪ if I was a sculptor
but then again no ♪

♪ or girl who makes potions
in a travelling show ♪

♪I know it's not much but
it's the best I can do ♪

♪ my gift is my song
and this one's for you ♪

♪ and you can tell everybody ♪

♪ this is your song ♪

♪ it may be quite simple buu ♪

♪ now that is done ♪

♪ I hope you don't mmnd
I hope you don't mind ♪

♪ that I put down in words ♪

♪ how wonderful life is ♪

♪ now you're in the world ♪

this week on "bravo," it's an
all-new "pregnant in heels."

Hi, I'm Rosie pope.******

I provide my clients with anything
they want, no matter how extreme.

And she's got her work cut out for her
with millionaire mommy-to-be shoshanna bunt.

**********************

I love being pregnant. I've
already lost 35 pounds.

- Watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.
- I'm sorry, what's wrong with your voice?

I was born in england, then
moved to America.

And every morning 1,000
bees sting my tongue.

- And lots of demands.
- Rosie, when my baby is born,

I want to make sure the
delivery room is total vips.

- No fatties.
- Perfect.

- *****
- Perfect.

- ***
- Perfect.

*********************

and I want to have a water birth, but
instead of water, I want diet coke.

And we have this guy.

I am not so much a person as
I am a collection of choices.

I just found out that babies are
born naked, which is disgusting.

I'm way ahead of you.

Prop your legs up and I'll
get this outfit to the baby.

Don't worry, it's just like
building a ship in a bottle.

Plus, we'll pad the boring moments
with signature bravo music.

And cut to a dog.

Perfect.

Rosie's the best.

She even got a celebrity to make a
personal appearance in my ultrasound.

Rosie's even there on the big day.

It's a boy.

Don't cut the cord. I
might want to return it.

- Thanks r, rosie!
- ****

I did not help at all.

*****

only on bravo.

Right after an all-new "loud old bitches"
and "America's next dumb gay guy."

How you doing? Prom is come being up.

Who you going to go with? A parent?

Don't restrict yourself. I
want you to look dateable.

Doogie, don't proms cost
an arm and a leg or more?

Good point. That's why you need to come
to my slightly damaged prom wear barn.

{a6}Googie rene's

********************************

I love the color of this dress.

Well, you should. It's alive with color.

But I don't love all the
grass stains in the butt area.

Well, that's because the previous owner
had to scoot home through a field.

I went to prom once and they
closed the beachers on me.

****************************

what do I do about the stains?

Well, just always be
backing up and laughing

like you just heard a joke that was
too much it's not rocket problems.

Thanks, doogie. Great idea.

Look at this, doogie.

What are you?*******

I'm at the accessooy wall.

Don't go places without
telling me first.******

at doogie renees, you'll
find a cummerbund.****

what is that?****

no*********

- ******
- It was originally used to catch crumbs.

Like a small bird
underneath a icnic table.

- ***
- You taught me something today.

*****

- hey, doogie.
- Hang on. I'm coming.

I'm totally down with this mad-ass
tux, but what are all these brown ones.

***********

- *****************
- If we can't fix your stain,

we'll give you an autograph of
Julie chen to hold in front of it.

- Now I'm ready for my first kiss from a girl.
- I am, too.

Are you on drugs? Stty on part.

Listen to this satisfied woman.

Doogie Renee, I have been invited
to prom by my oldest friend's son.

This is an opportunity
I could not pass up.

When I arrived, people pointed.

I knew I had done something wrong.

I paid doogie $5 for this prom dress, and
people thought I paid twice that.

************

sorry*** thank you for
the wonderful clearance.

It sounds like you are the
shia. This is about savings.

It's mother's day.

And there's no better way to
express your feelings than hallmark.

Because every mother is special.

But your mother is most special of all.

Because of you in a dress.

Introducing the hallmark
mother collection.

For weirdos.

Because you're not just a good son.

You're also a wonderful mother.

So show yourself you care.

Because your mother will never leave
you as long as you keep dressing like her

and talking like her

and being a good boy.

Because you're crazy about mother.

The hallmaak mother collection.

**************

thanks to Ellie goulding, maya Rudolph.

Everyone have a great
happy moth mother's day.

Be nice to your mother tomorrow.

Saturday night
liveseason 36 episode20