Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 36, Episode 13 - Jesse Eisenberg/Nicki Minaj - full transcript

>>> tonight, a cnn special

Event.

Congresswoman michele bachmann's

Response to the president's

State of the union address.

The second attempt.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>> good evening.

I'm congresswoman michele

Bachmann from minnesota's sixth



District.

Four nights ago on behalf of the

Republican party and the tea

Party, I delivered a response to

President obama's state of the

Union address.

Unfortunately, that response was

Marred by some technical

Difficulties, and it seems that

Its core message was not

Properly conveyed.

Accordingly I have asked for

This time tonight in order to

Try again.



Because, you see, the issues are

Simply too important and the

Stakes for our nation too high

To do otherwise.

So here goes.

[ laughter ]

Two years ago when barack obama

Became president, our nation's

Unemployment rate was already

7.8%, and our national debt an

Astonishing $10.6 trillion.

The economy was headed for

Disaster.

As you can see from this chart.

[ laughter ]

Not a pretty picture, is it?

Yet, instead of addressing our

Economic problems, this

President's policies have made

Them worse, as this next chart

Clearly shows.

[ laughter ]

That's right.

Under our current president

We've gone from this to this.

[ laughter ]

But it doesn't have to be this

Way.

By simply reducing spending and

Returning to the core governing

Principles of our founding

Fathers, we can have an economy

That looks like this.

[ laughter ]

But let's be honest, before any

Of this can happen, we must

First address the massive growth

In entitlements, especially

Social security.

I'm going to show you another

Chart of the projected growth of

Revenues into the social

Security trust fund.

[ laughter ]

A little hard to see because I

Drew the line in white.

Now, here is the same graph

Adding projected social security

Expenditures, also in white.

[ laughter ]

Sorry, that's not very clear.

Should we show that last graph

In plaqblack?

Do we have that?

That's a little better.

Maybe not.

The point is the current

Situation is unsustainable.

Consider this chart which shows

The amount of federal spending

Devoted just to interest on the

National debt.

[ laughter ]

This is is the one I dropped in

The snow.

That's a shame.

That was important.

But the point is the american

People don't need graphs or

Charts to tell us what we

Already know.

Our country is headed in the

Wrong direction and we all

Remember what this president

Promised us just one year ago at

His first state of the union.

All right.

Obviously, that's not president

Obama.

No, I know it's on this tape.

I just don't know where.

I don't have time to find it

Now.

So let me just conclude by

Saying, I realize how much the

American people are sacrificing

During these troubled economic

Times.

We republicans get it.

And we want you to know we're

Doing some belt-tightening of

Our own.

For example, this presentation

You just saw was done on a

Reduced budget.

I'm not kidding.

We didn't even hire a

Professional director.

Seriously.

Or a trained graphic designer.

And here is something else,

Believe it or not, my makeup was

Done by a child.

[ laughter ]

As god is my witness, she's 5

Years old.

So thank you for your attention.

May god bless america, and live

From new york, it's Saturday

Night!

>> announcer: It's "Saturday

Night live"!

With fred armisen

Abby elliott

Bill hader

Seth meyers

Bobby moynihan

Andy samberg

Jason sudeikis

Kenan thompson

Kristen wigg

Featuring vanessa bayer

Paul brittain

Taran killam

Nasim pedrad

Jay pharaoh

Musical guest nicki minaj

And your host, jesse eisenberg!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jesse eisenberg!

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

It is so great to be here,

Hosting "Saturday night live."

It's been a really exciting year

For me.

I was in "the social network."

[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much.

And, you know, I'm actually

Really glad to be here because,

You know, in a few movies I have

Played guys who are kind of shy,

You know, and unassuming, and

That is just not me at all.

You know, and as you will see

Tonight, well, I'm really cocky,

You know.

In life, you know, I own it.

When I walk into a room, people

Are just like, whoa, whoa, watch

Out.

Who is that freight train of

Confidence.

Or not.

I don't know.

That's presumptuous of me.

Anyway, although actually one

Thing I am an expert in is

Women.

You know, I do.

I know a lot about the ladies.

Like, for example, I know every

28 days a female will shed their

Uterine lining.

[ laughter ]

No, it's true.

That's true.

That would be a thing like if I

Were out on a date, you know,

With a lady, she wouldn't have

To explain that to me.

You know, because I already know

It.

You know, because I'm so cocky

And I can't wait for the oscars.

I'm going to -- thank you.

I am going to take jack

Nicholson's seat in the front

Row.

I'm going to say, sorry, jack,

Here's jesse.

I'm not going to say that.

Even thinking of saying

Something like that is kind of

Giving me a panic attack right

Now.

You know what?

I feel like I'm misrepresenting

Myself.

>> well, misrepresenting people

Is something you have a lot of

Practice with.

>> whoa, mark zuckerberg.

Hey, how are you?

>> how am I?

I'm bad, okay?

You got nominated for an academy

Award for playing me, and what

Do I get, you know?

What do I have to feel good

About?

>> wasn't facebook just valued

At like $50 billion?

>> oh, that's right, yeah.

Well, good luck at your dinky

Movie award thing.

All hail the zuck.

Why can't I go in there?

I'm the real mark zuckerberg.

>> and I'm pretty sure at least

One of those guys is the real

Mark zuckerberg?

>> no, I am.

That guy is like my evil twin

And that's andy samberg.

Those guys are such nerds.

I invented "poking."

>> yeah.

You're better off backstage.

>> okay.

We're going to let you in on the

Joke.

This isn't mark zuckerberg.

This is andy samberg.

>> yes, and may I say, jesse,

That I loved your zuckerberg.

How do you do yours?

>> thank you.

I speak in short clipped

Sentences and I keep my head

Very still like this.

But I love yours actually.

What is your technique?

>> I wear this sweatshirt.

And I say, I'm mark zuckerberg.

>> straightforward.

And, of course, I wasn't really

Doing mark zuckerberg.

I was interpreting a fictional

Character in a movie script.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> thank you for coming here.

>> wait.

Have you two not met?

>> no.

>> no.

>> awkward!

[ laughter ]

>> well, I'll be going.

Samberg out.

>> so --

>> so --

>> yeah, yeah.

>> I really, really, really

Liked you on "60 minutes."

>> thanks, man.

>> you ever end up seeing the

Film, "the social network."

>> yeah, I did.

>> thanks.

And what did you think?

>> it was interesting.

>> interesting.

You know, I'll take it.

Thank you, great.

Hey, you know what, why don't we

Do this together.

>> cool, we have a great show

For you tonight.

Nicki minaj is here.

>> right.

>> so stick around.

We'll be right back.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> let's face it, life is

Pretty busy.

Even when you're not working it

Seems like millions of other

Things suddenly come up.

So if you're like me, a busy guy

In a preop transsexual in his

Third month of hormone

Treatments, leading estrogen

Supplement that works for your
Schedule.

There they are.

You deserve to be the body you
Want.

Most hormone replacement

Therapies require you to take

Five estrogen supplements a day,

Five.

Who has time for that?

But now, there's hope.

Once daily estromaxx.

A single daily pill that gives

You all the sex changing

Hormones you need.

>> because I don't want to spend

My day taking estrogen, but I do

Want to become a woman.

[ laughter ]

>> I'm the head of a major

Corporation.

I can't spend all day increasing

Market share and turning my

Penis in a functional vagina.

But with once daily estromaxx, I

Can work while my estrogen does.

>> once daily estromaxx does

What you need, grows your

Breasts, redistributes your body

Fat, and shrinks those pesky

Male genitals.

>> I'm becoming the person I

Want to be and without the

Hassle.

Thanks, estromaxx.

[ laughter ]

>> once daily estromaxx tackles

Gender reversal so you can

Tackle life.

>> I need some syrup because my

Nipples are as big as silver

Dollar pancakes.

[ laughter ]

>> that's amazing.

Jf that's once daily estromaxx.

>> once daily estromaxx is a

Powerful dose of estrogen.

If you do not wish to become a

Woman, you should not take once

Daily estromaxx.

[ laughter ]

Men taking estrogen may develop

An interest in tlc's "say yes to

The dress."

[ laughter ]

>> once daily estromaxx.

Nature got in your way.

Your estrogen pills shouldn't.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> you're watching nickelodeon

After dark.

Coming up, a classic episode of

"mr. Wizard."

♪

>> hey, kids.

>> all: Hey, mr. Wizard!

>> today we're going to learn

About something called static

Lelectricity and you're the

Conductor.

Now, everything is made up of

Atoms, but what floats around

Those atoms?

Does anybody know?

Chris?

>> I don't know.

>> claudette?

>> I don't really know.

>> lauren?

>> electrons.

>> good!

And we rub up against something,

Sometimes those tiny electrons

Move.

Now, everyone take a balloon.

Now, what I want you to do is

Rub that balloon on yourself.

♪

There you go.

On your sweater, on your arm

Like this.

You can even rub it on your

Partner.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

Very good.

Get worked up.

It's science!

[ laughter ]

>> okay, chris, chris,

Claudette, guys, guys.

That's fine.

That's enough with the balloons.

Now, what have we just

Experienced with the balloons?

Chris?

>> something new.

>> yes, but what?

>> I don't know.

>> it felt like a good headache.

>> actually, we've created an

Electronic field, and if you get

A strong-enough field, your

Balloons can stick to anything,

Even a wall.

Let's go ahead and rub our

Balloons again, but this time

Just on our sleeves, everyone.

Just on the sleeve.

There you go.

Now, in order for it to stick,

You really need to rub a lot.

The more you rub the more those

Electrons will transfer over

Giving you a really powerful

Static charge.

Are you guys feeling that

Charge?

>> yes.

>> I feel it!

>> okay, okay.

That's enough.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's

Enough.

Enough with the balloons.

Stop it.

We're all done.

>> this is fun.

Not of that fun.

>> let's put our balloons on the

Board.

See how it sticks?

How about that?

Now what did we learn from the

Experience.

>> I like rubbing.

>> not really, no, no, no.

Think about the experiment.

Did you learn anything?

>> balloons make things grow.

>> no, no, no.

Let's move on.

Now, people aren't the only

Conductors.

Have you ever heard of a

Generator.

>> wow, that's big.

>> yeah, yeah.

>> sure is.

This electrostatic generator can

Reach up to five megavolts just

From all the vibrating.

Do you want to see what it can

Do to you?

>> yeah, hurry up.

>> okay.

Here we go.

Now, go ahead and touch it.

See what happens.

What's happening here is we're

Accelerating electrons to create

An electromagnetic field.

If you stay in the field long

Enough, you will be fully

Charged with negative electrons.

Now, are you fully charged yet?

>> yeah.

>> oh, sweet maria, get off, get

Off of there, guys.

>> but it's good for me.

>> yes, I want to do science in

The shower.

>> no, you don't.

No, you don't.

When we come back you'll learn

Another great conductor, body

Heat.

Oh, boy.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> yeah, okay.

Welcome to "don't forget the

Lyrics."

I'm your host mark mcgrath, and

Yeah, I do this now.

[ cheers and applause ]

No, no, I don't know why.

Okay.

As always, our audience has been

Force fed mountain dew and diet

Pills since 5:00 this morning

And they are ready to rock and

Roll.

[ cheers and applause ]

All right, let's bring out

Today's contestant.

Everyone, please give a crazed

Welcome to kenny lushing from

Providence, rhode island!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> yes, I have seen this show.

>> all right.

Tell us a little about yourself,

Kenny.

>> well, mark, I'm 22 years old.

I'm a part-time student and I

Was just fired from domino's

Pizza for reasons of hygiene.

Yeah!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> that's great.

You know the rules.

We supply the music, you supply

The words.

But when the music cuts out,

Make sure you don't forget the

Lyrics.

>> that is the purpose of this

Show, yes!

I am feeling the wrath of

Mcgrath.

Our first category is rock.

And your song choices are "love

In an elevator" by aerosmith and

"I love rock and roll" by

Joan jett.

>> mark, I'm going to go with "I

Love rock and roll" because I

Love rocks and I love rolls.

[ cheers and applause ]

He knows, over there.

>> all right, kenny.

"I love rock and roll" by

Joan jett.

We are looking for ten missing

Lyrics.

All right?

Hit it!

>> all right.

Crank her up.

♪ I love rock and roll

So put another dime in the

Jukebox baby

I love rock and roll ♪

♪ so come and kiss a lime

You dance machine ♪

[ laughter ]

>> wow, okay, okay.

Come and kiss a line you dns

Machine?

Do you want to lock in those

Lyrics?

>> yeah, let's lock them in.

>> oh!

>> I'm sorry, kenny.

The correct lyrics were "come

And take the time and dance with

Me."

>> yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I guess I'm a

Little nervous.

>> it's understandable, man.

This is vh1.

It's 2:00 in the afternoon.

It's all happening!

[ cheers and applause ]

Hey, don't worry because we're

Moving on to the next song.

Are you ready, kenny?

>> I'm ready.

Are you ready, mr. Mark?

>> I'm under contract!

[ laughter ]

Got to be ready.

So let's rock.

Our net category is pop and your

Choices are "doctor, doctor" by

Robert palmer or "fly" by my old

Group sugar ray.

>> I really don't remember the

Song "fly" by sugar ray.

>> oh, really?

Oh, that's funny because you

Know who did remember that song?

The marketing team for

Cajun pringles in 1997.

They seemed to think it

Represented a generation so --

>> okay, well, I'm still going

To go with "doctor, doctor."

>> the doctor is in.

Hit it.

>> this one is for all the

Doctors, male and female.

[ clapping ]

♪ I need you ♪

♪ to soothe my head

And turn my blue heart

To red

Doctor, doctor ♪

♪ give me the news

I got one extra testicle ♪

>> I'm sorry.

Oh, my god, I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

>> I'm sorry.

The lyrics were a bad case of

Loving you, not one extra

Testicle.

Where did that come from?

>> from birth.

>> sorry.

You know, when I get nervous I

Kind of just like blurt whatever

Is on my mind.

It probably happens all the

Time.

>> no, not to me.

I'm going to pick the next song

For you.

It's an easy one.

It's "celebration" by kool and

The gang.

You pumped?

>> yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

>> okay.

Here we go.

♪ celebrate saddam hussein ♪

>> I was thinking of another

Song.

>> what song?

>> there is no song.

>> the final round, the song is

"it's not unusual" by tom jones.

He only need to give us three

Missing lyrics.

They're the title of the song.

>> I think I can do this, markey

Mark.

>> different guy.

>> are you going to dance this

Time?

>> I doubt it, kenny.

No, I really do.

Wait, hold on.

Oh, I'm not allowed to stop

Dancing?

Okay.

I'm what?

What are you saying?

Oh, replaceable.

Okay.

You got it.

Sorry about that.

Hit it!

♪ it's not unusual

To get a boner

At the movies

[ laughter ]

♪ it's not unusual

If it was "toy story 3" ♪

>> that's not right is it?

>> it's wrong on a number of

Levels, okay?

But come back, okay?

Come back when you want.

All right, that's the show.

Another day done for

Mark mcgrath.

I make notches on my wall like

I'm in prison.

This is vh1.

Good afternoon!

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> next week, dana carvey with

Musical guest linkin park.

>>> you're watching wstd news

New york.

>> good morning, everyone.

Our top story today, a

Prestigious new york college is

Reeling following a drug bust on

Campus.

Veteran reporter herb welch is

On the scene, who today is

Celebrating his 58th year at our

Network.

Herb?

[ laughter ]

>> hello, don.

>> hello, herb, and

Congratulations.

Now, tell us whas what's

Happening on campus.

>> I'm here with

Derrick smalls jr.

>> it's just derrick smalls.

I'm a junior in school.

>> oh --

Now, tell me, what happened.

[ laughter ]

>> um, okay.

The police came in with, like,

Dogs and stuff, and they busted

Into the hinckley dorm.

>> are you sleep walking?

Do you have the flu?

[ laughter ]

>> what?

>> you're wearing pajama

Bottoms.

Terry, get a shot of this.

>> that's just like -- that's

What I wear.

>> well, there you have it.

Changing times and changing

Fashions.

Back to you, jack.

>> herb, herb, no.

Let's follow up a little.

Did the young man know the

Students involved?

Come on.

>> what?

>> did the young man know the

Students involved?

Come on, like, dig a little

Deeper.

Let's go, come on.

>> don't give me the high hat.

[ laughter ]

Did you know the students?

[ laughter ]

>> yeah, actually I bought -- I

Mean, no, no, I don't know them.

>> are you sad they're tearing

Down ebbetts field?

>> come on, herb.

Come on.

>> I don't know what you're

Talking about.

>> exactly.

Let's stay on story, please.

>> who's your favorite player?

Is it pee wee reese?

>> this guy keeps hitting me in

The face.

Is that -- is that how tv works?

>> no, it is not.

Herb, be professional.

>> jack, why don't you sit on

Inju

Your jacket and I'll do the

News.

>> would you please ask him the

Question.

>> did you know about the drugs?

>> I --

>> well, answer me.

>> no one here is high.

I swear.

>> excuse me, I'm an r.A. Here,

And that's not true at all.

>> a sad day in brooklyn.

Back to you, jack.

>> no, herb.

No.

Why don't you turn around and

Talk to that r.A.

>> I'm not going to take

Reporter lessons from a can of

Hairspray.

[ laughter ]

>> come on.

[ laughter ]

>> all right.

>> come on, herb.

Hold it together, herb.

[ laughter ]

>> lay it on me, my man.

What went down?

[ laughter ]

>> no one here is surprised.

Drugs have been a problem in the

Dorms for some time.

>> there you have it.

A city college now fully

Integrated.

>> no, no!

[ laughter ]

>> no, that is not the story,

Herb.

>> don't tell me how to frame

The lead.

>> no way.

Am I on tv?

The gecko, not geico.

>> herb, come on.

[ screaming ]

>> come on, herb.

Damn it.

>> I know why you're angry but

This guy is kind of awesome.

>> but he should be doing his

Job.

>> maybe I ought to be the

Anchor again.

>> no, you can't be, herb.

You were fired for praying the

Rosary on the air.

>> father pat says god loves

Herb welch.

>> yeah, well the father doesn't

Run the network.

>> don't talk about my parish.

[ laughter ]

>> okay, all right.

Just cut away, please.

Can we cut away?

Our apologies to you at home.

Up next, we will talk to police

Chief ray kelly.

Oh, but first some sad news, we

Have just received word that

Our own herb welch has died five

Seconds ago.

We go to the scene now.

[ laughter ]

>> I'm not dead, you --

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> yeah.

Hi, I'm john, and this is the

Freak.

♪ we get out at the club

And you see a fly girl

Do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪ if you want to make friends

At the atm

Do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪ we got a new dance

So, get up on your feet

It's really easy to do

And it's called the creep ♪

♪ lift your hands up

Around like a marionette

Pop your knees up and down

And shake your neck ♪

♪ now pull your waistband up

Like you're expecting a flood

And stick your hands down flat

Like you're covered in mud ♪

♪ a mud bath and pop them

Peepers

Focus on your sneakers

You're a certified creeper ♪

♪ when you see cut of beef

Laying out at the beach

Do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪ and when a fly piece

Walks in front of your tree

Do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪ you're 6 years old

And that's sort of creepy

My parents took me to their

Room and I saw a peepee ♪

♪ I cried

When they lifted their head

They saw me

At the foot of the bed ♪

♪ knew I was a creep

Since the someday I was born

My mother like

Gotta go ♪

♪ she started freaking

Because I'm creeping ♪

♪

♪ little did they know

That was me they were bottling

I would laugh

Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ they were scared ♪

♪ open up your peepers

And turn up your speakers ♪

♪ come on get your creep on ♪

♪ do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪ when you're seconds to wake

And you see big cake

Do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪ when the judge is a hottie

And you can't control your body

Do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪ keep your knees flexing

And your arms t-rexing

Do the creep

Do the creep ♪

♪

>> don't forget to smile.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> ladies and gentlemen,

Nicki minaj!

[ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

♪ you see right through me

How do you do that?

How do you do that? ♪

♪ how do you do that?

How do you, how do you

How do you, how do you ♪

♪ how do you ♪

♪ you let me win

You let me ride

You let me rock

You let me slide ♪

♪ and when they looking

You let me hide

Defend my honor

Protect my pride ♪

♪ the good advice

I always hated

But looking back

It made me greater ♪

♪ you always told me

Forget the haters

Just get my money

Just get my weight up ♪

♪ know when I'm lying

Know when I'm crying

It's like you got it

Down to a science ♪

♪ why am I trying

No, you ain't lying

I tried to fight it

Back with defiance ♪

♪ you make me laugh

You make hoarse

From yelling at you

At gettin' at you ♪

♪ pickin' up dishes

And throwing them at you

Why are you speaking

When no one asked you? ♪

♪ you see right through me

How do you do that?

How do you do that? ♪

♪ how do you do that?

How do you, how do you

How do you, how do you ♪

♪ how do you? ♪

♪ you see right through me

How do you do that?

How do you do that? ♪

♪ how do you do that?

How do you, how do you

How do you, how do you ♪

♪ how do you ♪

♪ what are we doing

Could you see through me

Cause you say nicki

And I say "who me?" ♪

♪ you say "no you"

And I say, "screw you"

Then you start dressing

And you start leaving ♪

♪ and I start crying

And I start screaming

The heavy breathing

But what's the reason ♪

♪ always get the

Reaction you wanted

I'm actually frontin'

I'm asking you something ♪

♪ yo, answer this question

Class is in session

Tired of letting

Passive aggression ♪

♪ control my mind

Capture my soul

Okay, you're right

Just let it go ♪

♪ okay you got it

It's in the can

Before I played it

You knew my hand ♪

♪ you can turn a

Free-throw to a goal

He got the peephole

To my soul ♪

♪ you see right through me

How do you do that?

How do you do that? ♪

♪ how do you do that?

How do you, how do you

How do you, how do you ♪

♪ how do you ♪

♪ you see right through me

How do you do that?

How do you do that? ♪

♪ how do you do that?

How do you, how do you

How do you, how do you ♪

♪ how do you ♪

♪ stop

Stop

Won't you just stop

Looking through me ♪

♪ cause I can't take it

No I can't take it ♪

♪ you see right through me

How do you do that?

How do you do that? ♪

♪ how do you do that?

How do you, how do you

How do you, how do you ♪

♪ how do you ♪

♪ you see right through me

You see right through me

Baby ♪

♪ you see right through me

You see right through me ♪

♪ do that

Do that

Do that

Do that, baby? ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

>> good evening.

I'm seth meyers.

Here are tonight's top stories.

>>> in egypt tens of thousands

Of protesters angry with the

Policies of hosni mubarak

Clashed with police in what was

Called a day of rage.

Sort of like what we have here

Every time the mcrib goes away

Again.

[ laughter ]

>>> representative michele

Bachmann this week created a

Controversy when she said in a

Speech that the founding fathers

Worked tirelessly until slavery

Was no more.

Apparently she spent her high

School history class looking off

To the right of the blackboard.

[ laughter ]

>>> president obama on Tuesday

Delivered the state of the union

Address.

America's annual opportunity to

Half heartedly applaud the idea

Of solar panels.

"yeah, okay.

Never going to happen."

During his speech, president

Obama also called on americans

To do big things, so get ready

For the new kfc triple down.

[ laughter ]

>>> this week comcast officially

Took control of nbc universal,

And I have to say, things are

Better already.

Seriously, I have to say that.

[ laughter ]

>>> this week despite riots and

Calls for his resignation,

Egyptian president hosni mubarak

Refused to step down and has

Fired his entire cabinet.

Here to explain, and I can't

Believe we got him to come all

The way here, egyptian president

Hosni mubarak.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> thank you, seth.

This is a very difficult time

For everyone.

People in egypt are very, very

Upset.

>> yes, and they're upset

Because they want you to resign,

Correct?

>> no, seth, they love me.

[ laughter ]

They are upset because the

Internet is down.

They can't check their e-mails

And the blogs.

It's very frustrating.

>> no the internet is down

Because your government shut it

Down.

>> what?

No, no, no, no, no.

The minute the internet went

Out, my administration launched

Into action and got it right

Back up and running.

>> what did you do?

>> we called time warner, and

They gave us a four-hour window

From noon to 4:00 in which they

Promised to come and service the

Problem.

So I wait around, and I wait

Around, and at like 3:55 I have

To run to a meeting, and sure

Enough, that's when they show

Up.

Mr. President, come on.

>> time warner is more like take

Your time warner.

[ laughter ]

That's my doorman's joke.

>> look, I feel like we're

Getting off track.

I mean, do you intend to stay in

Power?

>> I have been the

Democratically elected leader of

Egypt for 30 years.

>> how can you be in power for

30 years in a democracy?

>> I am beloved.

My profl rate something 115%.

Numbers don't lie.

>> I feel like you're missing

The signals.

>> egyptians have never been

Great with signals.

Read the bible.

We needed ten plagues before we

Let the israelites go, ten.

We have locusts.

Toads raining from the sky,

Rivers turning into blood, and

Still we were like, let's see

How this plays out.

Excuse me, but not to worried

About a couple guys in adidas

Sweatshirts throwing bricks.

If I resign, what am I going do?

I have been an egyptian

President for 30 years.

Is there another egypt that

Needs a president that I don't

Know about?

That is why I'm willing to take

The following steps to prove

That I am willing to change.

Number one, I'm firing my

Cabinet.

>> good.

>> tow, I'm hiring a new cabinet

Made up of fired members of my

Old cabinet.

[ laughter ]

>> is that it?

>> yes again.

>> oh, no.

Mr. President hosni mubarak!

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> representative dennis

Kucinich has filed a lawsuit

Against the cafeteria in the

House of representatives, saying

That he suffered dental damage

From a sandwich wrap that

Contained an unpitted olive.

And just think, that guy was

This close to being our

President.

Charlie sheen on Thursday was

Taken to the hospital suffering

From an aggravated hernia after

He reportedly spent more than 24

Hours partying with five women

And a briefcase full of cocaine.

It was a smart move keeping the

Cocaine in a briefcase because

Then if anyone saw him, they'd

Definitely think there goes

Charlie sheen with some

Paperwork.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

That 50-year-old man with

Sunglasses and cargo shorts must

Be going to an important

Meeting.

[ laughter ]

It was noted for the first time

In super bowl history, neither

Of the teams competing have

Cheerleaders.

No word yet on how players from

Either team will remember to go.

Olympic olympic

[ laughter ]

Green bay had cheerleaders at

One point, but stopped after

1965's tragic frozen human pir

Rid incident.

Two women in new york are suing

The trendy standard hotel

Alleging that they were fired

From their waitressing jobs for

Not being willowy, svelte, and

Statuesque.

Though I think they got fired

For spending their work hours

Reading a thesaurus.

[ laughter ]

>>> scientists are saying

Elderly people are having

Trouble driving because they

Don't focus on things in the

Foreround and instead focus on

Interracial couples on the

Sidewalk.

The oscar nominations were

Announced this week.

Here to comment, and I have been

Asked to read it this way, tyler

Perry presents tyler perry.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> oh!

Hello, seth.

Hello, everyone.

I'm tyler perry.

Well, the oscar nominations are

Out and once again I was left

Out.

Not one nomination.

Poor, poor tyler perry.

Oh, money everywhere.

But, you know, I have 28 essence

Awards.

That's three more than holly

Robinson peete, but no oscar

Nominations.

So I have been studying the kind

Of movies that get nominated.

There's "the social network"

About a group of harvard kids

Fighting over billions of

Dollars, or "the king's speech"

About a rich king who is

Embarrassed when talking in

Front of people.

These are the type of win win

Low stakes situations I call

White people problems.

[ laughter ]

Meanwhile, I have been doing

Movies about overcoming drug

Addiction, marital infidelity,

And dealing with life in prison.

All featuring a big sassy woman

In a housecoat.

And all I've got to show for it

Is $800 million.

>>> but, tier, have you ever

Really tried to make an oscar

Movie?

>> oh, absolutely, seth.

I thought "for colored girls"

Was going to be my oscar picture

Until later someone pointed out

That the title reminded people

Of a sign next to a water

Fountain in the 1950s.

Never even crossed my mind.

My best friend is oprah.

[ laughter ]

My next movie is guaranteed to

Get some oscar notice.

It's about a brilliant student

In north carolina who creates

The top african-american social

Networking site in the world.

It's called "tyler perry

Presents I can do internet all

By myself."

[ laughter ]

The film stars jesse eisenberg,

A seasoned veteran of white

People movies like

"adventureland," where a young

Man is stabbed because he has a

Job.

[ laughter ]

It features my alter ego madea

As his sassy but wise roommate.

>> so is it a drama or a comedy?

>> well, seth, like all of my

Movies, it makes wild swings

From broad comedy into

Dismal melodrama.

Do you think that's a little

Strange?

Maybe so.

Maybe 20 million tyler perry

Fans are wrong.

Excuse me.

Have some money, seth.

There you go.

I own an island.

So please mark your calendars

For "I can do internet all by

Myself."

It's got jesse eisenberg, madea,

And cicely tyson as bill gates.

Your move, academy.

>> tyler perry, everyone!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> that's for you.

>> thank you.

>> so much money.

>>> according to new research,

Couples who have been together

For more than 20 years can still

Be just as much in love as

People who are at the beginning

Stages of a relationship.

The keys are a healthy sex life

And making sure your spouse

Doesn't find out about your

Healthy sex life.

>>> a woman in argentina who was

Trying to commit suicide

Survived after she jumped from

The 23rd floor of a hotel and

Landed on a taxi, and you know

That if it happened in new york,

Someone would have yelled, "hey,

That's my cab!"

>>> it was reported lady gaga is

Developing her own fragrance.

She wants to smell like semen

And blood.

The new fragrance will be called

Hotel mattress.

Excuse me, are you wearing hotel

Mattress?

No?

So it's just semen and blood?

It was very nice meeting you.

>>> mtv announced that the

Fourth season of "jersey shore"

Will take place in Italy, which,

God willing, will segue into an

Awesome episode of locked up

Abroad.

>> I'm seth meyers.

Good night!

>>> you're watching turner

Classic movies.

>> welcome to "the essentials."

I'm robert osbourne.

Tonight, we take a journey

Through one of my favorite

Genres, 1970s blacksploitation

Horror films.

There are so many classics from

The era.

"blackula," "the black creature

From the black lagoon," and, of

Course, "the phantom of the

Apollo."

[ laughter ]

But perhaps one of the most

Memorable was the 1972 classic,

"the bride of blackenstein."

Let's take a look.

♪

>> blackenstein!

You were my greatest creation,

The coolest, baddest, blackest

Monster on the face of the

Earth!

>> arr.

>> and tonight as I promised, I

Will give you a bride!

>> arr?

>> igor!

>> yes, master?

>> it's time to pull the switch

For the bride of blackenstein,

Baby.

It's alive!

It's alive!

It's damn!

>> she's beautiful, master!

And I'm sure the swelling in her

Backside will go down soon.

>> oh, it better not.

That booty is a piece of modern

Science.

>> that's why you had me fill

Those two basketballs with

Jell-o.

>> double dribble.

>> you think people will like

That?

>> like it?

They'll love it.

Just look at blackenstein.

>> that's what I'm talking

About.

[ laughter ]

He's about to get his groove on.

>> oh, no, he is not!

>> she speaks.

She speaks!

>> uh-oh, that's not good.

[ laughter ]

>> you think you can just walk

Up on me and get some of this?

I mean all of this?

>> no, no.

I mean --

>> arr!

>> arr?

Don't you say "arr" to me.

I know you can talk.

And the first words out your

Mouth better be "I'm getting a

Job."

[ laughter ]

>> igor, man, where did you get

That brain?

>> from a woman who had just

Died.

>> what kind of woman?

>> she worked at the dmv.

[ laughter ]

>> and what about the

Fingernails?

>> from a cashier at walgreens.

>> and where did you get the

Mouth?

>> from a ho who didn't know her

Place.

[ laughter ]

>> and where did you get her

Hair?

>> excuse me, this hair is real.

>> okay, okay.

>> very nice hair.

>> come on, baby.

I just need some loving from my

Bride.

>> bride?

Bride?

Did you get me an invisible

Ring, because I don't see

Nothing on my finger.

You don't know me.

I ain't never met you.

You taking me to dinner first or

Something.

Come on now.

>> but I had plans tonight.

I'm going out with wolfman and

The mummy.

>> that smelly ass dog person

And old mr. Bandage?

Uh-uh, no way.

No way.

They're my friends, baby.

>> not no more.

From now on I'm your friend.

And I barely even like you.

>> master, I don't understand.

Why doesn't he just tell her

He's a man and she should do as

He says?

>> have you ever been with a

Sister?

>> no!

>> then you wouldn't understand.

>> I have just been with jewish

Girls.

>> okay.

Then you kind of understand.

[ laughter ]

>> master, look.

There's an angry mob!

>> oh-oh!

>> we need to hide.

Yes, we need to hide the bride.

>> I'm not hiding.

I'm going out.

It's check day.

I got an outfit on.

I want to dance, baby.

>>> let's get it.

>> we know what you have been

Doing dr. Blackenstein and it

Ends --

>> I think we're going to see

Some werewolves tonight, because

That's a full moon.

>> what are you looking at?

>> nothing, baby.

>> are you checking out the

Bride of blackenstein's rear

End?

>> no way, baby.

You know I like my booty like

Yours.

Flat and shapeless.

[ laughter ]

>> good!

>> excuse me.

Are y'all the police?

Because y'all don't have a

Warrant I'm going to need you to

Get up out ever my castle now.

>> her castle?

>> see what I mean?

>> that's right, it's my castle

Now.

And next week my auntie is

Coming to stay with us.

And she has a bad foot, so she's

Going to need a room by the

Toilet, okay?

>> master, is an ass like that

Really worth all the trouble?

>> oh, it's worth it.

Just look at it.

♪ bride of blackenstein

Baby got back in time ♪

♪ bride of blackenstein ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

>> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the whole movie.

[ laughter ]

Tune in next week for the 1964

Blacksploitation antiwar satire,

"dr. Strangefunk: Or how I

Learned to stop being a jive

Turkey and love that juicy

Booty."

[ laughter ]

For "the essentials," I'm

Robert osbourne.

You dig?

♪

>> you're watching mtv.

Shut up!

>> what's up?

I'm the head of programming at

Mtv.

Impressed much?

You should be, 'cause I'm the

Genius behind our new sexy teen

Show, "skins."

Now, some people are upset or

Whatever because we showed like

A bunch of fourth graders having

Sex and --

[ laughter ]

Doing heroin or something.

I don't know.

I haven't seen it.

'cause I'm bad at my job!

[ laughter ]

Anyway, 'cause of all the

Controversy and child porn laws

We broke, weave lost a lot of

Sponsors.

We lost footlocker.

We lost subway sandwiches, so

Good.

[ laughter ]

And we lost wrigley -- like the

Field, I guess.

[ laughter ]

And we lost l'oreal, you know,

French oreos.

[ laughter ]

Guess what though?

It's mine.

Guess what though?

We had to get some sponsors.

They couldn't afford

Commercials.

They could afford some sweet

Product placement so check it

Out on "skins."

>> cool party.

>> yeah.

>> it's sexy.

>> yeah.

We should probably take our

Shirts off.

>> yeah, we should.

But first, let's enjoy some of

This kennedy fried chicken.

[ light laughter ]

>> kennedy fried chicken?

>> looks sexy.

What's a bucket, like 50 bucks?

>> try 9 bucks and that includes

12 hot pieces of chicken, a

Steamy biscuit and some slutty

Mashed potatoes.

[ laughter ]

>> whoa.

All for 9 bucks?

Leaves plenty of extra money to

Buy cocaine.

[ laughter ]

>> speaking of which, cool

Cocaine.

>> oh.

You mean this awesome stuff?

Nah.

This is jenkins tooth powder.

It's so sexy.

>> hey cassie, hey trent.

Should we do a three-way?

>> yeah, but first, where'd you

Get that new car we saw you pull

Up in?

>> you mean my 2003 corolla?

It's not new but it's as good as

New, thanks to waltzer toyota,

Since 1991.

Waltz in with a little money,

Waltz out with a fabulous,

Gently-used car, at waltzer

Toyota.

>> just hearing about used cars

Makes me hella horny.

>> hey you underage hotties.

>> whoa, you're hot.

>> where did you get that hot

Sweater?

>> where else?

The sweater dump near route 25.

It's where people go to dutch

Their sweaters.

So what are we drinking?

>> only the best.

Jose cortez scented rubbing

Alcohol.

Look for the bottle with the

Cartoon duck on the front.

Goes perfect with clamato brand

Clam juice and a lime from the

New fruit section of c.P. Wang

Bodega, conveniently located

Under the on-ramp to the

Queensboro bridge.

"yeah, c.P. Wang, we sell fruit

Now ."

[ laughter ]

>> mm, sexy.

We should all have sex.

>> oh, do you have condoms?

>> only the best.

Trapper mcgee's squirrel skin

Condom.

It's like having sex with a

Squirrel skin.

Today.

>> that sounds great for young

Vaginas.

[ laughter ]

>> speaking of young vaginas,

Have you guys heard all this

Stuff about italian prime

Minister, silvio berlusconi?

>> yeah, it sounds totally bogus

>> it is.

And you can find out the truth

At www.Berlusconi is

[ laughter ]

>> cool.

>> yeah, this is a cool party.

>> let's take our clothes off.

>> I'm 12.

[ laughter ]

>> so there it is.

From great britain, through a

Transatlantic sewer pipe, direct

To your children.

Mtv, the "m" stands for mmmaahh!

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> relax and let all your cares

Drift away.

This is "spa talk" with your

Host tyler yonders.

>> why, hello.

Once again I'm tyler yonders.

Isn't stress gross?

Life is full of stress with cars

Honking, people pushing, and

Wrappers crinkling.

Here at "spa talk ", we show you

How to tackle your everyday

Problems through a range of

Holistic treatments.

My first guests are a married

Couple experiencing stress in

Their relationship.

Please welcome daniel and denise

Leeson.

Why don't I go get them now?

[ laughter ]

Oh, yes, please come in.

Sit down.

I'm going to be working with you

Today.

Have a seat.

Tell me the source of your

Stress.

>> well, the source of my stress

Is right over here.

>> don't put your hands on my

Face.

That's rude!

>> I'm sensing tension.

This will help.

>> what are you doing?!

>> spraying water all over your

Face.

It's energizing, right?

Do you feel better now?

>> no, I don't, because my wife

Is cheating on me.

>> all right.

I see what's going on.

What you need is a nice collagen

Boosting cream.

Of this will fix everything.

>> what would fix everything is

If my wife would stop sleeping

With our downstairs boarder.

I converted that basement for

Income, not so you can get your

Booty challenged.

>> what does it feel like when I

Do this?

Does this feel nice?

This feels good, right?

That helps, right?

>> I wouldn't be sleeping with

Lester if you hadn't laughed at

My mural!

>> painting the wall one color

Ain't no mural.

[ laughter ]

>> the collagen cream I used is

Made from almond extracts,

Vitamin "a," and bird doodle.

>> hold up.

Hold up.

Did I hear you correctly?

You been rubbing bird do do on

Our faces?

[ laughter ]

>> it's from --

[ bell rings ]

I'm sorry, that was the end of

Your session.

Hope you feel refreshed.

Good-bye.

Drink lots of water.

Weren't they great?

It's so nice to see the complete

Transformation.

Our next guests are a family

With a lot of stress.

I find that most people carry

Their stress in their shoulders

Or their hinds.

Please, let me go get the

Venettis.

Please, have a seat.

Sit down, have a seat.

Prepare to be pampered.

What's causing stress in your

Life?

>> my mom dresses like a tamp?

>> excuse me!

>> bras can be shirts, too.

>> what the hell is that?

>> she got kicked out of the

Grocery store.

>> it's a good thing you came to

Me.

Here, smell my fingers.

>> what are you doing?

[ laughter ]

>> this is an oil extract.

It's my own blend.

Myers lemon and renuz it.

[ laughter ]

>> can I say something?

I dress the way I do because I

Lost 238 pounds.

I'm proud of my body.

>> trimspa, baby!

Wait, why am I vibrating?

>> I'm turning on your vibrating

Chair.

Feel the jiggle.

Let the jiggle take you.

And just relax.

Relax while I swat you with this

Twig.

>> what is going on?

>> oh, yes.

Isn't it rejuvenating?

>> yesterday, she came to

School.

>> everyone could see your

Business.

>> only the short kids noticed.

>> if you don't like it, you can

Run away.

>> her bush was out for a full

Minute!

>> the twig I use to swat you

With is also from a bush.

A juniper bush.

>> this is the worst family I

Have ever had.

>> I know what this group needs.

Of a nice exfoliating scrub.

You need a fresh start.

Now, you might feel a tiny, tiny

Tingle or a big tingle or like

An acid face fire.

Enjoy.

What is this?

This stuff smells really nice?

>> this cream is a blend of

Marine salt, 12% glycolic acid

And turtle doodle.

>> wait a minute.

Did you put turtle poop on our

Faces?

>> this is unsanitary.

>> it's from geneva and it's

Organic.

Your time is up.

I hope you transport yourself to

Serenity.

Drink lots of water.

Okay.

Go on now.

Pay up front.

Weren't they great.

Oh, I enjoyed working on them,

And I believe they left her

Transformed.

And remember, when the world is

Stressing you out with a 50-hour

Workweek and crying babies and

People throwing brownies,

Remember, remember to always

Take time to pamper and refresh

And we'll be right back with

More "spa talk."

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> once again, mikki minaj.

♪ fly with the stars

In the skies

I am no longer

Trying to survive ♪

♪ I believe that life

Is a prize

But to live

Doesn't mean you're alive ♪

♪ don't worry about me

And who I fire

I get what I desire

It's my empire ♪

♪ and yes

I call the shots

I am the umpire ♪

♪ I sprinkle holy water

Upon the vampire

In this very moment

I'm king ♪

♪ in this very moment

I slayed goliath with a sling

This very moment I bring ♪

♪ put it on everything

That I will retire

With the ring ♪

♪ and I will retire

With the crown

Yes ♪

♪ no, I'm not lucky

I'm blessed

♪ yes ♪

♪ clap for the heavyweight

Champ

Me ♪

♪ but I couldn't do it

All alone, we

Young money raised me

Grew up out in baisley ♪

♪ southside jamaica

Queens and it's crazy

Cuz I'm still hood ♪

♪ hollywood

Couldn't change me

Shout out to my haters ♪

♪ sorry that

You couldn't faze me

Ain't being cocky.

We just vindicated ♪

♪ best believe that

When we done

This moment will be

Syndicated ♪

♪ I don't know

This night

Just remind me of ♪

♪ everything

They deprived me of

P-p-p-p-put your drinks up ♪

♪ it's a celebration

Every time we link up

We done did everything ♪

♪ they could think of

Gr-greatness

Is what we on the brink of ♪

♪ I wish that I could

Have this moment 4 life

4 life

4 life ♪

♪ cause in this moment

Just feel so alive

Alive

Alive ♪

♪ I wish that I could

Have this moment 4 life

4 life

4 life ♪

♪ this is my moment

I just feel so alive

Alive

Alive ♪

♪ this is my moment

I waited all night

If I could tell the time ♪

♪ missing the way I

Run with the sunset

I have become alive ♪

♪ I could have this moment

For life

For life

For life ♪

♪ this is my moment

I just feel so alive

Alive

Alive ♪

♪ I wish that I could

Have this moment 4 life

4 life

4 life ♪

♪ this is my moment

I just feel so alive

Alive

Alive ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

>> the following is a paid

Advertisement.

>> hello.

I'm arthur perkins.

Does this always happen to you?

>> we can't have sex.

It's too big!

>> arthur, your penis is huge.

I hate that.

>> arthur perkins, your penis is

Just too big.

>> I used to deal with that all

The time.

Girls were constantly telling me

It was too big.

>> yeah, and I'm his friend

Randy and I had the same

Problem, too, all the time.

>> our penises were too big.

>> that's why we take

El shrinko.

>> el shrinko.

>> el shrinko is the first

Scientific pill that can shrink

Your wiener because it's too

Big.

>> it's too big.

>> if you saw our penises right

Now, you would think they were

Really small, like tiny.

That's because el shrinko works

Fast.

>> how does it work?

>> not yet.

>> sorry.

>> really fast.

>> how does it work?

>> you just take the pill like

We do and you will go from too

Big to just right.

[ laughter ]

>> yeah, and that's what the

Girls prefer, just ask them.

>> I heard arthur's penis used

To be really big.

But then I saw it, and it was

Really small.

It must have shrunk, and I like

That.

>> arthur's friend randy shrunk

His thingy.

What is this for?

Say it now?

El shrinko.

[ laughter ]

>> pretty convincing.

Plus, it comes in a discreet

Bottle that says el shrinko,

That way if a girl is over and

Accidentally sees the bottle on

Your coffee table she will know

That your wiener used to be way

Bigger until you took

El shrinko.

>> big weiners are for the

Birds.

>> are you guys talking about

El shrinko?

>> get out of here, gary!

Get out!

[ laughter ]

>> el shrinko.

>> el shrinko.

>> el shrinko.

>> el shrinko, it's why arthur

And randy's penises are so

Small.

[ cheers and applause ]

Minaj.

Thank you so much to mark

Zuckerberg.

Thank you so much for the cast

And crew.

[ cheers and applause ]