Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 34, Episode 11 - Hugh Laurie/Kanye West - full transcript
Check out selected sketches from an all-new SNL this week featuring host Hugh Laurie.
President Bush attempts
to justify his place in history
to a group
of skeptical third graders.
But first, we take you live to a hearing
of the Senate banking committee
where Illinois Governor,
Rod Blagojevich,
is about to shake down
Congress for money.
You've asked for an opportunity
to address this committee today
in order to request
your own personal bailout package,
which, you claim, is essential
if you are to, quote,
"achieve true financial independence
"and enjoy the lifestyle
you've always dreamed of", end quote.
You're currently facing
federal charges
for attempting to sell
to the highest bidder,
the Illinois Senate seat left vacant
by the election of Senator Obama.
Why do you feel entitled
to a government bailout?
First of all,
because it was a federal prosecutor
who spiked my deal to sell
the Senate seat in the first place.
And second, because
if I don't get this bailout,
I swear to God,
I will appoint
some psycho mother****
who will turn this **** apart.
Believe me, I will do it.
And you will not be happy.
Fair enough.
The chair recognizes
the gentleman from Alabama.
I have looked over your proposal here
and I will agree
it is quite detailed.
You have offered to appoint
a well-qualified senator
chosen by your state legislature,
and in return,
you asked for the following:
$750,000 in cash,
your visa and discover cards paid,
your nephew, Mickey,
appointed head of the centers
for disease control,
U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald,
quote,
"whacked",
and a leather jacket
pictured on page 112
of the October GQ.
That's right.
It's the one Troy Aikman's wearing.
Right off the bat, I can tell you,
a couple of these items
are going to be difficult.
What about an ambassadorship?
Excuse me, an ambassadorship?
Yeah, like,
I don't know... Turkey?
Governor, let's be clear,
you are not going to be named
Ambassador to Turkey.
Right now, that's one of our most
sensitive diplomatic posts.
I'm not actually going to go there.
It's a no-show job.
Forget it.
In that case, I guess I'll have
to appoint myself to the Senate.
Let me ask, you guys, something.
What do Senators make these days?
$169,300 a year.
- That's it?
- That's it.
With health benefits?
And what about the hours? Do you have
to come in on Mondays and Fridays?
I wouldn't get too deep
into this, Governor.
I'm fairly certain
this body's not going to seat you.
- Really?
- And let me add something.
In my opinion, you are a disgrace
to the state of Illinois.
Maybe not to Illinois,
but, you know what I'm saying.
If you were the Governor
of any other state,
you would be
a disgrace to that state.
Would any of you be interested
in purchasing the actual
wedding ring
of President Abraham Lincoln?
Because I've got it.
And yes, it is for sale.
250 gs.
The hand is included.
Unless, of course,
you don't want the hand.
Are we to infer, Governor, this sacred
artifact was looted from the tomb
of our 16th president
of the Illinois State Capitol grounds?
Let's just say,
that on completion of the sale,
the buyer will receive
a certificate of authenticity,
along with the videotape
to back it up.
My God, you're nothing
but a common grave robber.
A body snatcher,
a resurrectionist!
I did not come here
to be called names.
- Do you want the ring or not?
- No, I don't want the ring!
Fine.
Suit yourselves.
I've got a buyer in Japan
who's offered 2 million yen.
I just thought it would be nice
if the ring stayed here in this country.
That's all.
I think what you're doing
is just plain wrong.
And I hope you realize 2 million yen
is only about $18,000.
Really?
That mother****!
I want to be on the board of NASA.
Would security remove this person?
It's all right, Senator.
This is my wife, Patty.
I want to be on the board of NASA.
Look, they're going
to say you're not qualified.
Well, **** them.
I just got my class three
real estate license.
Why don't you go wait in the car?
You promised.
I think this committee
has heard about enough today.
Unless you have something more to add,
I move we adjourn this hearing.
Just one thing, Senator.
I want to thank the committee
for allowing me to testify here today.
It really is an impressive setting,
this hearing room.
I think we can all agree, it would be
a shame if something happened to it.
What do you mean?
You know, like a fire or something.
These old buildings,
with the old wiring,
they're always catching fire.
If you're interested,
I have some friends who can keep an eye
on the place when no one's around.
They can also watch your cars too.
$2,500 a month.
You want the government
to pay you extortion money
in return for not burning down
the U.S. Capitol building?
That is what I'm proposing, yes.
Governor, let me ask you...
Are you retarded?
First of all, Senator, the correct term
is developmentally challenged.
And yes, I am mildly
developmentally challenged.
Though, obviously, it has not affected
my performance as governor.
But I can see I'm wasting my time here.
So, you know what?
I'll just head over
to the Supreme Court
to see if any of those guys
are any easier to deal with,
instead of you, stupid ****.
If you'll just validate
my parking ticket,
I'll be on my way.
One last thing, go **** yourselves.
Also, live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!
S. 34 Ep. 11 - 13 Dec. 2008
Hugh Laurie / Kanye West
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, boys and girls.
Sweet cheeks.
Thank you so much.
It's wonderful to be back here
on the show.
It's also wonderful to be back
in the great city of New York.
Especially, I have to tell you,
at this time of year.
Because New York at Christmas
is truly a magical place.
On Thursday, for example, I had
an amazingly Christmassy experience
here in New York.
Straight out of Charles Dickens.
I had my pocket picked.
This little chap grabbed my wallet
and he disappeared into the crowd.
I tried following him, but...
weirdly the crowd started doing
this very complicated dance routine.
So, I lost him. That's a sort
of Oliver Twist joke. Never mind.
It was a nuisance
because the wallet had, you know,
driver's license, credit cards,
and $65,000 in cash.
Just pray that I'm covered.
Besides being the Christmas show,
this is also, of course,
the last show of 2008.
And...
what an amazing year it's been.
On the plus side,
you've had the most exciting election
in the history of American politics.
And on the minus side...
everything else.
I suppose, for half of you,
even the election was a bit of a downer.
But, let's put
all that behind us, because
this is a time for giving.
And in the spirit of giving,
I asked if I could give, tonight,
each member of the audience
a present.
You know, a little bit like Oprah.
But not too much.
And they said no.
They just said no.
I said,
"Well, not even a tiny cheap one?"
And they said no.
I said,
"What about one nice one
to just one member of the audience?"
They said no.
I said "What about..."
They said, "Shut up".
They said,
"You can give one tiny cheap one
"to one member of the audience."
On behalf of Saturday Night Live,
I would like to give
this chapstick
to you, madam.
It's hardly used.
A very merry Christmas to you.
If you don't mind...
we do need the bow back.
Never mind the recession.
Christmas is Christmas.
We must embrace the joy of the season.
So with your kind indulgence,
I would like to begin the show
as I like to begin every show
that I'm hosting this evening.
With a medley
of classic Christmas songs.
There's a problem.
There's a catch.
I should explain that, if...
you sing more than three seconds
of any song,
you have to pay royalties
on the whole thing.
Anyway, here it is.
Merry Christmas.
We have a great show tonight!
Kanye west is here.
So, stick around, we'll be right back.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to Bronx Beat.
- I'm Jodi.
- Welcome to Bronx Beat. I'm Betty.
First off, we're back.
And we want to thank you,
for all your letters.
There were 4 letters.
Four or five.
There were a lot of letters.
More than one.
Plural.
Letters is plural.
And the letters said,
"Jodi, Betty, where are you?"
"We miss your show."
We've been off the air for a year.
We had to take a bit of a sabbatical.
When I used to read
magazines about the lives
of show people,
and they would complain
about how tired they were,
I would be like, "Here's a quarter.
Call someone with a violin."
- You know what, now she gets it.
- Now, I've lived it.
Here is what my year was like.
- Go to my college reunion.
- Did you wear your leather pants?
Had the time of my life. I had a blast.
Come home. Boom... Epstein-Barr.
Unbelievable.
In bed for three months.
Welcome back, eczema.
- Thank you.
- Out of control, IBS.
Suddenly, my shoulder freezes up.
I got frozen shoulder.
- Who gets that?
- I do.
And then, bam, 2008, it's over.
It's Christmas time already.
I'm doing all my shopping
this year on the Internet.
'Cause you know what happens
when you go out shopping?
You come back dead.
You know what they got on sale
at Walmart, 50% off? Trampolines.
You're up at the pearly gates,
them: "What happened?"
"I was trampled by
a stampede of dumb-dumbs
"trying to get a flat screen TV."
- So dumb.
- You know what?
Holiday travel, no.
I don't want to get on a plane.
You know why? Germs.
And also, last year,
I bought my mother a snow globe.
Go to the airport. They won't
let me take it through security.
Why?
Who makes a bomb
out of a snow globe?
Who am I, Osama Bin Snow Globe?
That was good.
You got to admit.
That was a good one.
So stupid, though.
At Christmas time, in this economy.
Pushing pennies.
Clipping coupons.
Clipping coupons
and you're stretching the dollar.
You know what?
I wanted to buy a condo
at the shore.
But my stupid husband says,
"Put it in stocks."
Yeah? Good one.
Now you know
how many dollars I got? $0.00.
I used to go get facials.
Now, I go to the make-up and tell them
I'm just going to a wedding.
My daughter,
she wants a flute for Christmas.
Do you know how expensive it is?
So I said to her, "Get a recorder,
"hold it to the side,
pretend it's a flute."
That's a good idea.
My son, my oldest, he's asking me
for some new video game.
I said, "Here's a new video game.
You know what it's called?
?Go rake the yard."
It's called "Rake Hero".
Here we go.
We got a guest.
We forgot the guest.
Who is it?
It's that British butcher from the new
fancy butcher shop that just opened.
Jeffrey Billings.
Butcher Shoppe.
And the shop is spelled
with two "p" and an "e".
Very fancy.
It's a fancy shop.
Do me a favor,
get him out here, Jenna.
Have a seat.
I have never seen you
without your apron on.
I thought, for you beautiful ladies,
I'd wear something nice.
Take off the dirty apron.
I love that accent.
I love him.
Look at him.
Listen to how he sounds.
Let me tell you something.
Do you want to know something?
That accent will get you everywhere.
That's so sexy.
Say some words.
Say some words
in your British accent.
Say it in British.
Say "schedule".
That is so sexy.
What do you call a bathroom?
A loo.
That's so cute.
I love it, so sexy.
What do you call potato chips?
Crisps.
Everything sounds better
with a British accent.
- I wish we had accents.
- Me too.
I love them, love those accents.
And you know what else?
British people are dignified.
They've got manners.
They sound like geniuses.
I bet the dumbest person in England
is smarter than anyone we know.
And they have manners.
I bet you don't burp
when you're kissing your wife.
That's so gross.
I don't even want to hear this story.
My husband did that.
Under the mistletoe,
he goes in for a kiss and he burps.
He's got a problem with excess gas.
- But at the end of the day...
- Here we go.
I don't care.
He just has trouble digesting certain
things. What do I do? I love him.
Here comes the waterworks.
He gave me my children.
And what? He's a good man.
So what if he's stupid?
Keep it together.
He loves his kids.
Double waterworks.
You've got a great accent.
You're very sexy.
Tell us what else is going on at
Jeffrey Billings Butcher Shoppe.
Two "p", one "e".
This month, we're featuring fowl.
So, if you're interested
in a traditional Christmas goose...
I'd like to give you
a Christmas goose.
I'll give it to you every day
of the year, 365 days of the year.
Every day's Christmas with me.
This little one, year-round goose
with this little one.
Let me ask you a personal question.
What's your favorite cut of meat?
You like the thigh?
You're a thigh man?
You like the breast?
You like breasts?
You like inner thigh?
What about outer thigh?
What about rump?
- You like a rump cut?
- You like outer rump?
You like the inner rump?
You like center cut?
You like center cut and center rump?
- You like tongue?
- That's your meat.
- Look at him, he's blushing.
- He likes it.
He likes tongue.
- I like all cuts.
- I bet you do.
Listen to that accent.
He's driving me wild.
- It's driving me nuts.
- So sexy, that accent.
You are sexy. You know
what's fun to do in this economy?
- Flirt.
- Flirting's free.
Live it up.
I'm married.
I'm not dead, all right.
Have fun.
Live your life.
You know what?
Jeffrey, we love you, so what else?
If you're really interested
in things British,
we have also
some lovely blood sausage
and some blood puddings.
You lost me on that one.
You don't say blood pudding.
You know what else?
Don't say head cheese.
Not even the accent can save that.
No one sounds sexy
saying head cheese.
You know what else is gross?
- Sweetbread.
- Sweetbread, disgusting.
You think you're eating a cake,
getting a cake, you lose.
It's pancreas.
Disgusting.
Save the situation.
- Speak in British again.
- Say another British word.
Say "vitamin".
My god, I'm hot.
- Hot to trot, what you are.
- I love you.
Come be my husband.
Be my pretend husband.
- Jenna's waving her fingers.
- What does this mean?
- Continue or stop?
- She's having a stroke.
I guess that's it.
Thank you, Jeffrey Billings
from Billings Butcher Shoppe.
Two "p", one "e".
You sit down.
- You're gonna talk British some more.
- We're gonna take you home with us.
Anyone want another crescent roll?
Phil, crescent roll?
Look.
Nancy, stop it.
Looks like we're going to get
a lot of snow tonight.
- Thank you for that.
- The weather girl is over here.
What's it going to be like in a week?
Is it going to rain?
Sit down.
Is everyone ready for dessert?
Let's see...
Scalloped potatoes still on my plate.
Green beans still on my plate.
Honey-baked ham still on my plate.
Corn still on my plate.
So I'd say no! Still eating.
So no?
- He said no.
- I heard him.
I heard him.
I've never had potatoes
like this before.
- Don't. It was a tone.
- What did I say?
Can you please move over a little?
Sit down.
Anyone need more wine?
Please, red wine.
- Mother's milk.
- Shut up.
I say it once a year.
Once a year.
- Shut your mouth.
- You know what? Eff Christmas.
Eff you.
- Eff you, Judith.
- Eff you, too.
Chair. Butt. Now!
You know,
another Christmas is ruined.
And this is worse than the cruise.
Merry eff-ing Christmas.
Damn it!
I wanted to sing the "peace"
on my own!
And I know you just think of me
as your crazy aunt Jonie.
But I just want to say that,
David and Tina,
I am so happy
that you have found each other.
Because you deserve nothing
but happiness, and I love you guys.
To Mr. and Mrs. Culhane.
That's very nice.
We've had a long night of toasts.
It seems like everyone's had
something to say
tonight, but we're going to move on.
Now it's time to get up and boogie.
So we're gonna...
What did he say?
Absolutely, sure.
One last toast.
The final toast, here we go.
I'm sure a lot of you know me.
I am Bob Kemp.
I have been friends
with Tina's dad for...
Well, how long's it been?
Gus...
how long's it been?
I'll be back.
That was great.
Last toast.
I promise.
So, Tina, look, we ended bad.
That's right, ex-boyfriend
of the bride at the wedding.
Congratulations.
David seems to have a lot of money.
Tina, I was thinking
about the last time we had sex.
Something wasn't right.
I don't mean physically.
Physically, it was great.
So passionate, so glorious,
so inventive.
It was always great. We never
had a problem in that department.
But we've all moved on.
I've moved on.
Sure, I still think about you
when I make love.
And I'm sure you do, too, so...
- have fun.
- Great. There we go. Thank you.
So the toasts are now officially...
My name is Gail,
the boss of the groom.
I was not invited to this wedding
and I do not have a ride home.
If anyone has a car that will fit me
and my tank,
we're in business.
I have to pee so bad.
I gotta end this speech now.
Great.
Thank you, Gail.
Now it's time to dance...
This is it.
No more after this.
I think I've figured it out.
I believe that Tina's dad, Vince, and I
have been friends for 32 years.
I came to this number
because I had a Corvette
from 1967 to 1968,
and then I got a Datsun.
And I must have had
that Datsun until, I'd say, 1974.
Then came the Fiat.
Anyway, I met Dave
when I had my Mustang,
which was in between
the Datsun and the Corvette.
No, it was before the Corvette.
Where was the Beetle?
- I'll be back.
- Great. Thank you.
Now we only got
15 minutes left to dance.
What the hell was that?
Sorry about that.
I don't know who that...
You're killing me.
Here we go. Final one.
I'm a friend of a cousin.
This is such a great time for love.
And why wouldn't it be?
It's winter time.
The chestnuts are roasting,
as they say.
It's also the dawn
of a new political era.
And I think a great mistake
has been made with this Obama.
But love endures, love heals.
Love will help temper the effects
of putting a black man in office.
But love abides.
To the two of you, a great couple...
A great...
white couple.
I wish you the best.
I wish you...
put simply...
love.
I got it.
It was 27 years, because I wasn't
factoring in my Dodge Aztec.
Which reminded me that I had
a Chrysler Lebaron at one point.
Which, when I look back
at all my cars,
was probably the most reliable car
I've ever owned.
Here's to the couple, and from someone
that's been married seven times,
I can tell you,
keep your books separate.
Get up now. We're going over
to the dance floor. Time to boogie.
- Can I say one more thing?
- No. Hit it, DJ.
There's a body in the bathroom!
I'm Seth Meyers.
I'm Amy poehler,
and here are tonight's top stories.
Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich,
was arrested Tuesday
for trying to sell
Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat.
When agents arrived at his house,
Blagojevich asked for five minutes
to pack up his things
and eight hours to brush his hair.
Prosecutors said Tuesday
there is no evidence
that Barack Obama was involved
in the Blagojevich scandal.
Or as Fox News reported it,
is Barack Obama involved
in the Blagojevich scandal?
Same-sex marriage supporters
urge people
to skip work by calling in gay,
on Wednesday,
as part of day without a gay.
I thought about doing it, but I do not
want to use up all of my gay days.
According
to new scientific research,
Jesus was not born in December,
because the Christmas star
that was in the sky over Bethlehem
appeared in June that year.
So Christmas is cancelled, kids.
And once again, you can thank science.
Barack Obama, this week,
named Nobel prize-winning physicist,
Steve Chu, as his energy secretary,
unless he was just sneezing.
Since the arrest
of Illinois Governor
Rod Blagojevich,
much more attention is being paid
to New York Governor David Paterson
in his choice for the Senate seat
vacated by Hillary Clinton.
Here to publicly address the issue
is New York governor David Paterson.
Have you heard about this guy,
Blagojevich?
This guy's a real criminal.
What is he?
From New Jersey?
I mean, I was shocked
by his wrongdoing.
Governor, you yourself
very notably confessed
to lots of wrong-doing
when you first took office.
That's true,
but my crimes were merely
crimes of the heart.
And drug crimes.
The news out of Illinois puts a lot
of focus on you and your choice
to fill the open Senate seat
vacated by Hillary Clinton.
Yes, it does.
I want to assure all New Yorkers
that any candidate for this seat
must meet three strict criteria.
Number one, economic experience.
The person I select
must be prepared to help this state
face a grave economic crisis.
And it's bad out there, Seth.
If you don't believe me, take a look
at this graph that I got here.
As you can see...
it shows
that unemployment in 2008...
It's upside down.
You bet it is!
The whole world is upside down,
and someone's got to fix it.
Second, you know,
we need some upstate influence.
I want to choose a Senator not from
the glitzy coke parties of Manhattan
but, rather, from the shabbier coke
circles of upstate New York.
I'm tired of all these fancy,
two-eyed smart alecks
from the Big City running the show.
It's time we get someone from Utica,
Syracuse, or Schenectady.
Towns where people have a little
something off about them.
I mean, they don't have to be blind.
I mean, someone
with a gamy arm or...
You know, maybe the giant gums
with the tiny teeth.
Let's get one of those
in the Senate.
No matter who we pull out
of the freak bin, it will be better than
the garbage piles
New Jersey elected.
What do you have against New Jersey?
Unfortunately, a southern border.
Plus, you know,
the place stinks like garbage.
But seriously, I think...
You should get on to your 3rd point.
Can do. Third...
a wild card.
Whoever's appointed Senator
must, like me,
be caught totally off guard and be
comically unprepared to take office.
I don't know how many people remember
this, but I was not supposed to be
your governor.
I kind of fell ass-backwards
into this about ten months ago,
due to a sex scandal that I was
miraculously not at the center of.
I mean, come on,
I'm a blind man who loves cocaine,
who was suddenly appointed
Governor of New York.
My life is an actual plot
from a Richard Pryor movie.
To summarize, you want someone
with some knowledge of the economy
who is a little off and is completely
unprepared to be Senator.
- Do you have anyone in mind?
- Yes, me.
Hell, I'll go to Washington.
Anything to get
further away from New Jersey.
Governor Paterson,
ladies and gentlemen.
The New York post reported,
this week,
that possible Senatorial contender,
Caroline Kennedy,
had a small butterfly
tattooed on her arm
during a family vacation
in the '80s.
Not to be outdone, Ted got sleeved.
A man in Nebraska
who is the dubbed "The Butt Bandit"
from making greasy imprints
of his naked rear end on windows
has been sentenced
to more than a year in jail.
In jail, he'll introduce himself
to the other inmates as Jeff.
Many restaurants in San Francisco...
Can you see me on TV?
I crapped all over New Jersey.
You're on TV, Governor.
You're in the way.
- You can't stop there.
- Keep moving.
Many restaurants in San Francisco
are reporting that business
has significantly dropped off
and that people who do eat out
order what are called nontrays,
which is when people share appetizers
instead of ordering full meals.
And other news,
nobody calls them that.
The FDA, this week,
unanimously approved
a less costly version
of the female condom.
Hear that, ladies? The female condoms
you wouldn't use in a zillion years
are now cheaper.
Walmart announced plans to sell
a $99 version of the Iphone
at their stores.
However, it will be lacking
some of the Iphone features,
like the camera and the touch screen
and the ability to make calls,
and it's just a calculator.
It was announced, this week, that
Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove
will be auctioned off next week.
Man, if that glove could talk, it would
probably apologize to a lot of kids.
A man in Arkansas,
this past weekend, flew over a river
in a jet pack powered only
by hair bleach, but was disappointed
when he reach the other side
to discover he was still an idiot.
Despite his recent arrest
on federal corruption charges
and calls from the Illinois Attorney
General for him to step down,
Gov. Blagojevich has yet to resign,
which brings us to a segment
we like to call:
You're not going to resign?
Because you should resign.
Even Illinois politicians
are saying you should resign.
And when Illinois politicians think
you're too corrupt, you're too corrupt.
That's like Amy Winehouse
telling you to go to rehab.
And really, it's 2008.
Did you not know
that people tap phones?
You've never seen
a TV show or a film?
When you're doing something illegal,
you need to speak in code.
When I call up my weed dealer
and I ask for $50 worth
of circus tickets,
you know what he doesn't give me?
Circus tickets!
And really, how did you think
you'd get away with this?
George Ryan, the governor before you,
was in jail for the same thing.
When people are burned,
they become vigilant.
My friend once brought a girl home
who turned out to be a dude.
So every time he meets a girl, you can
bet he checks for an adam's apple.
That really happened
to Seth's friend.
It's beside the point,
but the hair...
It looks like you're wearing
a toupee that's also wearing a toupee.
It's like you have
a pro-seeding hairline.
Is that really your hair or did you
grow out your eyebrows and comb them up?
It's like someone put the hair
on backwards
on one of those fisher-price people.
The first time I saw you,
I thought you were walking away.
You're supposed to put the Rogaine
on the crown, not the forehead.
I thought you had a bad temper,
but maybe your head's just hot
from being under that bear skin rug.
I mean, really?
Three employees
of a KFC in California
have been suspended for bathing
in a deep sink used to clean dishes.
Which makes me wonder,
where is this magical mythical KFC
that has dishes?
Kiss announced that, next year,
they will record their first new album
since 1998.
"That's awesome," said the guy
who still lives in your hometown.
According to new research,
obese women have more sex
than thin women.
The study was conducted
by the prestigious
Sir Mix-A-Lot Institute
for big butt sciences.
Police in New York
arrested two coeds
from the Fashion Institute
of Technology
for allegedly dealing cocaine
from their dorm room.
Though, in fairness,
at F.I.T., that is a major.
I did just want to take a moment,
to thank everybody.
This is my last show.
And it has been
an amazing experience to be here.
Being able to do over
140 shows with my friends
and my family
has been a dream come true.
And from the bottom of my heart,
I really...
$50 worth of circus tickets...
- Governor Paterson...
- You're in the shot.
- So sorry about that.
- Don't do that.
Just keep walking, I guess.
Just stop right there.
That's good.
- Great. No... There we go.
- I'm sorry?
- You're good where you are.
- Wonderful show.
Anyway, I would like to say
thank you to everybody.
I love you and I will miss
all of you so much.
For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers!
Well, that wraps up another fine day
at the lamp store.
I almost get sad
every time we sell a lamp.
I know it sounds corny,
but I do love our lamps.
Good night, lamps.
We're three wonderful lamps
Bringing light into your life
If you'll give us the chance
We're three fabulous lamps
And after closing time
We sing and dance.
- The shopkeepers!
- They're coming back.
Hide!
Why do you need your umbrella?
It's not even raining.
You can never be too sure.
Honey...
Harold, did those lamps move?
What? Don't be silly.
- Where's your umbrella?
- I think it's over here.
That's not it.
That's the one from last year.
That one has a broken spring.
There you go...
Found it!
You'd lose your head
if it wasn't attached.
Very funny.
We're three excellent lamps
We're best used in rooms
With no natural light.
- The jig is up!
- Get 'em!
What are you guys doing?
- It's too late.
- They've seen our magical powers.
If word of this were to get out,
we would be hunted like dogs.
- We won't tell anyone, we swear.
- Sorry, we can't take that chance.
Open wide.
This is crazy.
This is what's happening, Sharon.
And you can either
get in line or get out!
This is madness
But we have no choice
Where do we go from here?
We're only lamps
Oh, God...
I need you now
I'm a grandfather clock
And I'm not for sale
I'm here to...
- What did you do to Harold and Janey?
- It's not what it looks like.
Like hell it isn't.
I'm calling the cops.
It had to be done.
It had to be done.
Only God can judge us now.
What have we become?
Betrayed the ones who loved us
Our backs against the wall
And soon we'll have to run
But first...
Let's make the shop owners
watch us have sex.
I don't know if we have to do that.
Don't want to do that?
Forget I said anything. It's OK.
It's fine.
Because...
Being a lamp is a crazy life
Kooky old owner and his crazy wife
Anything can happen
when you end their lifes
Except you can't feel love.
But not the Broadway you're thinking of.
The Broadway in Iraq!
I'm ready.
Here's how I want it to start.
"Cat-tention, everyone.
"Meowy christmas."
Why are you shaking your head?
Are you going to do
this whole thing in the cat voice?
This is our Christmas letter.
We do this every year.
I am trying
to make sure it flows well.
And in order to do that,
I need to read it like he would.
"Greetings and salutations.
"It is I, Godfrey,
"the Sorensen family cat.
"I'm sorry once again
"that I am not writing you
all more pur-sonnal letters."
Seven "r".
"But this year,
we had a cat-tastrophe
"in the Sorensen home.
"As some of you may know,
after a long bout of feline leukemia,
"on November 12, 2008, I was put
"to sleep."
Why are you not typing?
You really want to do this?
Do I really want to do what?
Do you really want to write
a Christmas letter from a dead cat?
What is the problem?
It's weird when you were just
ghost writing for a cat.
Now you're ghost writing
for a ghost cat. I think,
people are going
to be creeped out by that.
Tough tacos.
"Well, have no fear.
"I am currently writing to you
from kitty cat heaven,
"and all of my friends are here.
Mr. Socks, Moxi,
"and little Walter,
who still looks adorable,
"even after he was run over
by a mail truck."
- You're not typing.
- I don't think you want to bring
our friends' dead animals into this.
It's a real downer.
Do you want to write this?
I don't think so, so zip it.
"Although the cause of my rapid decline
is at this time not known,
"there is some speculation
that a radical procedure
"could have saved my life.
"At first, I was furious,
"but now, I have made puss with it."
I was not going to spend $54,000
on a cat bone marrow transplant!
I know. You made
a very practical decision.
I am not responsible
for the death of this animal.
You are not responsible
for the death of this what?
I am not responsible
for the death of our...
feline son.
I just wish you could try to be more
sensitive because he loved Christmas.
And he loved you and when people
were tickled by his letter.
You're right.
- He was a good guy.
- He certainly was.
"Well, the howlidays are upon us.
"So I lick to tell you
"what's been going on
around the Sorenson family mouse.
"Sorry, I must be getting hungry.
I meant house."
Very funny.
- Don't say it if you don't think it.
- I think it's wonderful.
I appreciate that.
"My parents are having
a fun but challenging year.
"Every chance my dad gets,
he makes a fe-line
"for the golf course.
"And my mom just had surgery
to correct her hammer toe.
"Hopefully, she'll get a comfy
pair of slippers from Santa claws."
Claws with a "w" like the animal.
"Well, that's all for now. I hope
you enjoyed this Christmas litter.
"Have a great holiday
"and a happy neuter year.
"Wuv, Godfrey."
I am not writing "wuv".
You can put a gun in my mouth.
I'm not writing the word "wuv".
I'll make "wuv" to you.
Good afternoon everyone.
You've all been working
extra hard these past months.
I appreciate you coming in.
There's coffee and...
The Philadelphia branch
sent over some cookies, so...
- help yourselves.
- Tom, what's this all about?
We're hearing a lot
of rumors about layoffs.
I got an e-mail
that freaked me out a little.
There are going to be some
serious changes starting tomorrow.
How serious are we talking here?
I'm hearing they might be
shutting down whole departments.
- I knew it.
- Told you.
Awful.
Sorry.
What about us?
Are we going to lose our jobs?
I don't know, Lisa. This whole year
has been full of surprises.
- The holidays are coming up.
- If the worst were to happen,
- we'd still get a severance package?
- Of course.
- I'm assuming something like that.
- It's my last one.
Don't tell my trainer.
He's going to kill me.
Little cookie secret.
I don't understand how they can't
give us at least three months' notice.
Tell me about it.
Is that asking too much?
It's been tough on me too, guys.
Sorry, guys.
A real cookie mouth.
Do you want to move
the cookie tray to you?
- Would that make it easier?
- I'm done.
But somebody should arrest
this cookie company for cookie-cide.
I can't believe this is happening.
This whole nightmare just landed
on my desk this morning.
It's not your fault.
Everyone's going through it.
Is no one else going to have these?
The peanut butter stripy ones.
You might want to pay attention.
Your department, internet sales,
is one of our biggest expenses.
I wish I could stop.
You should put one of the security
guards on cookie patrol!
Do you understand the gravity
of what's going on here?
Will you stop pretending you can't
control yourself. Eat the damn cookies.
Don't have to tell me twice.
It has almonds in it, that one.
I think that's dark chocolate.
I'm bad.
You're gonna have to take me to cookie
court. Guilty as charged, your honor.
Cookie crimes.
Orange peel.
There's ginger in there, too.
I like it.
Take me to confession.
I don't know what that is.
Coffee nibs in those.
Afternoon.
- Are you eating those cookies?
- Is there a problem?
They're a protype from the Dulcolax
corporation. They're not cookies at all.
They're stool softeners.
I have a question. What's closer,
the men's room or the ladies' room?
Get out of his way.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB
Boogawanga, So.
That's it!
I've had a fantastic time.
I hope you've enjoyed it.
Thanks to Kanye West.
Maya Rudolph.
Amy Poehler.
And to all of you,
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
to justify his place in history
to a group
of skeptical third graders.
But first, we take you live to a hearing
of the Senate banking committee
where Illinois Governor,
Rod Blagojevich,
is about to shake down
Congress for money.
You've asked for an opportunity
to address this committee today
in order to request
your own personal bailout package,
which, you claim, is essential
if you are to, quote,
"achieve true financial independence
"and enjoy the lifestyle
you've always dreamed of", end quote.
You're currently facing
federal charges
for attempting to sell
to the highest bidder,
the Illinois Senate seat left vacant
by the election of Senator Obama.
Why do you feel entitled
to a government bailout?
First of all,
because it was a federal prosecutor
who spiked my deal to sell
the Senate seat in the first place.
And second, because
if I don't get this bailout,
I swear to God,
I will appoint
some psycho mother****
who will turn this **** apart.
Believe me, I will do it.
And you will not be happy.
Fair enough.
The chair recognizes
the gentleman from Alabama.
I have looked over your proposal here
and I will agree
it is quite detailed.
You have offered to appoint
a well-qualified senator
chosen by your state legislature,
and in return,
you asked for the following:
$750,000 in cash,
your visa and discover cards paid,
your nephew, Mickey,
appointed head of the centers
for disease control,
U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald,
quote,
"whacked",
and a leather jacket
pictured on page 112
of the October GQ.
That's right.
It's the one Troy Aikman's wearing.
Right off the bat, I can tell you,
a couple of these items
are going to be difficult.
What about an ambassadorship?
Excuse me, an ambassadorship?
Yeah, like,
I don't know... Turkey?
Governor, let's be clear,
you are not going to be named
Ambassador to Turkey.
Right now, that's one of our most
sensitive diplomatic posts.
I'm not actually going to go there.
It's a no-show job.
Forget it.
In that case, I guess I'll have
to appoint myself to the Senate.
Let me ask, you guys, something.
What do Senators make these days?
$169,300 a year.
- That's it?
- That's it.
With health benefits?
And what about the hours? Do you have
to come in on Mondays and Fridays?
I wouldn't get too deep
into this, Governor.
I'm fairly certain
this body's not going to seat you.
- Really?
- And let me add something.
In my opinion, you are a disgrace
to the state of Illinois.
Maybe not to Illinois,
but, you know what I'm saying.
If you were the Governor
of any other state,
you would be
a disgrace to that state.
Would any of you be interested
in purchasing the actual
wedding ring
of President Abraham Lincoln?
Because I've got it.
And yes, it is for sale.
250 gs.
The hand is included.
Unless, of course,
you don't want the hand.
Are we to infer, Governor, this sacred
artifact was looted from the tomb
of our 16th president
of the Illinois State Capitol grounds?
Let's just say,
that on completion of the sale,
the buyer will receive
a certificate of authenticity,
along with the videotape
to back it up.
My God, you're nothing
but a common grave robber.
A body snatcher,
a resurrectionist!
I did not come here
to be called names.
- Do you want the ring or not?
- No, I don't want the ring!
Fine.
Suit yourselves.
I've got a buyer in Japan
who's offered 2 million yen.
I just thought it would be nice
if the ring stayed here in this country.
That's all.
I think what you're doing
is just plain wrong.
And I hope you realize 2 million yen
is only about $18,000.
Really?
That mother****!
I want to be on the board of NASA.
Would security remove this person?
It's all right, Senator.
This is my wife, Patty.
I want to be on the board of NASA.
Look, they're going
to say you're not qualified.
Well, **** them.
I just got my class three
real estate license.
Why don't you go wait in the car?
You promised.
I think this committee
has heard about enough today.
Unless you have something more to add,
I move we adjourn this hearing.
Just one thing, Senator.
I want to thank the committee
for allowing me to testify here today.
It really is an impressive setting,
this hearing room.
I think we can all agree, it would be
a shame if something happened to it.
What do you mean?
You know, like a fire or something.
These old buildings,
with the old wiring,
they're always catching fire.
If you're interested,
I have some friends who can keep an eye
on the place when no one's around.
They can also watch your cars too.
$2,500 a month.
You want the government
to pay you extortion money
in return for not burning down
the U.S. Capitol building?
That is what I'm proposing, yes.
Governor, let me ask you...
Are you retarded?
First of all, Senator, the correct term
is developmentally challenged.
And yes, I am mildly
developmentally challenged.
Though, obviously, it has not affected
my performance as governor.
But I can see I'm wasting my time here.
So, you know what?
I'll just head over
to the Supreme Court
to see if any of those guys
are any easier to deal with,
instead of you, stupid ****.
If you'll just validate
my parking ticket,
I'll be on my way.
One last thing, go **** yourselves.
Also, live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!
S. 34 Ep. 11 - 13 Dec. 2008
Hugh Laurie / Kanye West
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, boys and girls.
Sweet cheeks.
Thank you so much.
It's wonderful to be back here
on the show.
It's also wonderful to be back
in the great city of New York.
Especially, I have to tell you,
at this time of year.
Because New York at Christmas
is truly a magical place.
On Thursday, for example, I had
an amazingly Christmassy experience
here in New York.
Straight out of Charles Dickens.
I had my pocket picked.
This little chap grabbed my wallet
and he disappeared into the crowd.
I tried following him, but...
weirdly the crowd started doing
this very complicated dance routine.
So, I lost him. That's a sort
of Oliver Twist joke. Never mind.
It was a nuisance
because the wallet had, you know,
driver's license, credit cards,
and $65,000 in cash.
Just pray that I'm covered.
Besides being the Christmas show,
this is also, of course,
the last show of 2008.
And...
what an amazing year it's been.
On the plus side,
you've had the most exciting election
in the history of American politics.
And on the minus side...
everything else.
I suppose, for half of you,
even the election was a bit of a downer.
But, let's put
all that behind us, because
this is a time for giving.
And in the spirit of giving,
I asked if I could give, tonight,
each member of the audience
a present.
You know, a little bit like Oprah.
But not too much.
And they said no.
They just said no.
I said,
"Well, not even a tiny cheap one?"
And they said no.
I said,
"What about one nice one
to just one member of the audience?"
They said no.
I said "What about..."
They said, "Shut up".
They said,
"You can give one tiny cheap one
"to one member of the audience."
On behalf of Saturday Night Live,
I would like to give
this chapstick
to you, madam.
It's hardly used.
A very merry Christmas to you.
If you don't mind...
we do need the bow back.
Never mind the recession.
Christmas is Christmas.
We must embrace the joy of the season.
So with your kind indulgence,
I would like to begin the show
as I like to begin every show
that I'm hosting this evening.
With a medley
of classic Christmas songs.
There's a problem.
There's a catch.
I should explain that, if...
you sing more than three seconds
of any song,
you have to pay royalties
on the whole thing.
Anyway, here it is.
Merry Christmas.
We have a great show tonight!
Kanye west is here.
So, stick around, we'll be right back.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to Bronx Beat.
- I'm Jodi.
- Welcome to Bronx Beat. I'm Betty.
First off, we're back.
And we want to thank you,
for all your letters.
There were 4 letters.
Four or five.
There were a lot of letters.
More than one.
Plural.
Letters is plural.
And the letters said,
"Jodi, Betty, where are you?"
"We miss your show."
We've been off the air for a year.
We had to take a bit of a sabbatical.
When I used to read
magazines about the lives
of show people,
and they would complain
about how tired they were,
I would be like, "Here's a quarter.
Call someone with a violin."
- You know what, now she gets it.
- Now, I've lived it.
Here is what my year was like.
- Go to my college reunion.
- Did you wear your leather pants?
Had the time of my life. I had a blast.
Come home. Boom... Epstein-Barr.
Unbelievable.
In bed for three months.
Welcome back, eczema.
- Thank you.
- Out of control, IBS.
Suddenly, my shoulder freezes up.
I got frozen shoulder.
- Who gets that?
- I do.
And then, bam, 2008, it's over.
It's Christmas time already.
I'm doing all my shopping
this year on the Internet.
'Cause you know what happens
when you go out shopping?
You come back dead.
You know what they got on sale
at Walmart, 50% off? Trampolines.
You're up at the pearly gates,
them: "What happened?"
"I was trampled by
a stampede of dumb-dumbs
"trying to get a flat screen TV."
- So dumb.
- You know what?
Holiday travel, no.
I don't want to get on a plane.
You know why? Germs.
And also, last year,
I bought my mother a snow globe.
Go to the airport. They won't
let me take it through security.
Why?
Who makes a bomb
out of a snow globe?
Who am I, Osama Bin Snow Globe?
That was good.
You got to admit.
That was a good one.
So stupid, though.
At Christmas time, in this economy.
Pushing pennies.
Clipping coupons.
Clipping coupons
and you're stretching the dollar.
You know what?
I wanted to buy a condo
at the shore.
But my stupid husband says,
"Put it in stocks."
Yeah? Good one.
Now you know
how many dollars I got? $0.00.
I used to go get facials.
Now, I go to the make-up and tell them
I'm just going to a wedding.
My daughter,
she wants a flute for Christmas.
Do you know how expensive it is?
So I said to her, "Get a recorder,
"hold it to the side,
pretend it's a flute."
That's a good idea.
My son, my oldest, he's asking me
for some new video game.
I said, "Here's a new video game.
You know what it's called?
?Go rake the yard."
It's called "Rake Hero".
Here we go.
We got a guest.
We forgot the guest.
Who is it?
It's that British butcher from the new
fancy butcher shop that just opened.
Jeffrey Billings.
Butcher Shoppe.
And the shop is spelled
with two "p" and an "e".
Very fancy.
It's a fancy shop.
Do me a favor,
get him out here, Jenna.
Have a seat.
I have never seen you
without your apron on.
I thought, for you beautiful ladies,
I'd wear something nice.
Take off the dirty apron.
I love that accent.
I love him.
Look at him.
Listen to how he sounds.
Let me tell you something.
Do you want to know something?
That accent will get you everywhere.
That's so sexy.
Say some words.
Say some words
in your British accent.
Say it in British.
Say "schedule".
That is so sexy.
What do you call a bathroom?
A loo.
That's so cute.
I love it, so sexy.
What do you call potato chips?
Crisps.
Everything sounds better
with a British accent.
- I wish we had accents.
- Me too.
I love them, love those accents.
And you know what else?
British people are dignified.
They've got manners.
They sound like geniuses.
I bet the dumbest person in England
is smarter than anyone we know.
And they have manners.
I bet you don't burp
when you're kissing your wife.
That's so gross.
I don't even want to hear this story.
My husband did that.
Under the mistletoe,
he goes in for a kiss and he burps.
He's got a problem with excess gas.
- But at the end of the day...
- Here we go.
I don't care.
He just has trouble digesting certain
things. What do I do? I love him.
Here comes the waterworks.
He gave me my children.
And what? He's a good man.
So what if he's stupid?
Keep it together.
He loves his kids.
Double waterworks.
You've got a great accent.
You're very sexy.
Tell us what else is going on at
Jeffrey Billings Butcher Shoppe.
Two "p", one "e".
This month, we're featuring fowl.
So, if you're interested
in a traditional Christmas goose...
I'd like to give you
a Christmas goose.
I'll give it to you every day
of the year, 365 days of the year.
Every day's Christmas with me.
This little one, year-round goose
with this little one.
Let me ask you a personal question.
What's your favorite cut of meat?
You like the thigh?
You're a thigh man?
You like the breast?
You like breasts?
You like inner thigh?
What about outer thigh?
What about rump?
- You like a rump cut?
- You like outer rump?
You like the inner rump?
You like center cut?
You like center cut and center rump?
- You like tongue?
- That's your meat.
- Look at him, he's blushing.
- He likes it.
He likes tongue.
- I like all cuts.
- I bet you do.
Listen to that accent.
He's driving me wild.
- It's driving me nuts.
- So sexy, that accent.
You are sexy. You know
what's fun to do in this economy?
- Flirt.
- Flirting's free.
Live it up.
I'm married.
I'm not dead, all right.
Have fun.
Live your life.
You know what?
Jeffrey, we love you, so what else?
If you're really interested
in things British,
we have also
some lovely blood sausage
and some blood puddings.
You lost me on that one.
You don't say blood pudding.
You know what else?
Don't say head cheese.
Not even the accent can save that.
No one sounds sexy
saying head cheese.
You know what else is gross?
- Sweetbread.
- Sweetbread, disgusting.
You think you're eating a cake,
getting a cake, you lose.
It's pancreas.
Disgusting.
Save the situation.
- Speak in British again.
- Say another British word.
Say "vitamin".
My god, I'm hot.
- Hot to trot, what you are.
- I love you.
Come be my husband.
Be my pretend husband.
- Jenna's waving her fingers.
- What does this mean?
- Continue or stop?
- She's having a stroke.
I guess that's it.
Thank you, Jeffrey Billings
from Billings Butcher Shoppe.
Two "p", one "e".
You sit down.
- You're gonna talk British some more.
- We're gonna take you home with us.
Anyone want another crescent roll?
Phil, crescent roll?
Look.
Nancy, stop it.
Looks like we're going to get
a lot of snow tonight.
- Thank you for that.
- The weather girl is over here.
What's it going to be like in a week?
Is it going to rain?
Sit down.
Is everyone ready for dessert?
Let's see...
Scalloped potatoes still on my plate.
Green beans still on my plate.
Honey-baked ham still on my plate.
Corn still on my plate.
So I'd say no! Still eating.
So no?
- He said no.
- I heard him.
I heard him.
I've never had potatoes
like this before.
- Don't. It was a tone.
- What did I say?
Can you please move over a little?
Sit down.
Anyone need more wine?
Please, red wine.
- Mother's milk.
- Shut up.
I say it once a year.
Once a year.
- Shut your mouth.
- You know what? Eff Christmas.
Eff you.
- Eff you, Judith.
- Eff you, too.
Chair. Butt. Now!
You know,
another Christmas is ruined.
And this is worse than the cruise.
Merry eff-ing Christmas.
Damn it!
I wanted to sing the "peace"
on my own!
And I know you just think of me
as your crazy aunt Jonie.
But I just want to say that,
David and Tina,
I am so happy
that you have found each other.
Because you deserve nothing
but happiness, and I love you guys.
To Mr. and Mrs. Culhane.
That's very nice.
We've had a long night of toasts.
It seems like everyone's had
something to say
tonight, but we're going to move on.
Now it's time to get up and boogie.
So we're gonna...
What did he say?
Absolutely, sure.
One last toast.
The final toast, here we go.
I'm sure a lot of you know me.
I am Bob Kemp.
I have been friends
with Tina's dad for...
Well, how long's it been?
Gus...
how long's it been?
I'll be back.
That was great.
Last toast.
I promise.
So, Tina, look, we ended bad.
That's right, ex-boyfriend
of the bride at the wedding.
Congratulations.
David seems to have a lot of money.
Tina, I was thinking
about the last time we had sex.
Something wasn't right.
I don't mean physically.
Physically, it was great.
So passionate, so glorious,
so inventive.
It was always great. We never
had a problem in that department.
But we've all moved on.
I've moved on.
Sure, I still think about you
when I make love.
And I'm sure you do, too, so...
- have fun.
- Great. There we go. Thank you.
So the toasts are now officially...
My name is Gail,
the boss of the groom.
I was not invited to this wedding
and I do not have a ride home.
If anyone has a car that will fit me
and my tank,
we're in business.
I have to pee so bad.
I gotta end this speech now.
Great.
Thank you, Gail.
Now it's time to dance...
This is it.
No more after this.
I think I've figured it out.
I believe that Tina's dad, Vince, and I
have been friends for 32 years.
I came to this number
because I had a Corvette
from 1967 to 1968,
and then I got a Datsun.
And I must have had
that Datsun until, I'd say, 1974.
Then came the Fiat.
Anyway, I met Dave
when I had my Mustang,
which was in between
the Datsun and the Corvette.
No, it was before the Corvette.
Where was the Beetle?
- I'll be back.
- Great. Thank you.
Now we only got
15 minutes left to dance.
What the hell was that?
Sorry about that.
I don't know who that...
You're killing me.
Here we go. Final one.
I'm a friend of a cousin.
This is such a great time for love.
And why wouldn't it be?
It's winter time.
The chestnuts are roasting,
as they say.
It's also the dawn
of a new political era.
And I think a great mistake
has been made with this Obama.
But love endures, love heals.
Love will help temper the effects
of putting a black man in office.
But love abides.
To the two of you, a great couple...
A great...
white couple.
I wish you the best.
I wish you...
put simply...
love.
I got it.
It was 27 years, because I wasn't
factoring in my Dodge Aztec.
Which reminded me that I had
a Chrysler Lebaron at one point.
Which, when I look back
at all my cars,
was probably the most reliable car
I've ever owned.
Here's to the couple, and from someone
that's been married seven times,
I can tell you,
keep your books separate.
Get up now. We're going over
to the dance floor. Time to boogie.
- Can I say one more thing?
- No. Hit it, DJ.
There's a body in the bathroom!
I'm Seth Meyers.
I'm Amy poehler,
and here are tonight's top stories.
Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich,
was arrested Tuesday
for trying to sell
Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat.
When agents arrived at his house,
Blagojevich asked for five minutes
to pack up his things
and eight hours to brush his hair.
Prosecutors said Tuesday
there is no evidence
that Barack Obama was involved
in the Blagojevich scandal.
Or as Fox News reported it,
is Barack Obama involved
in the Blagojevich scandal?
Same-sex marriage supporters
urge people
to skip work by calling in gay,
on Wednesday,
as part of day without a gay.
I thought about doing it, but I do not
want to use up all of my gay days.
According
to new scientific research,
Jesus was not born in December,
because the Christmas star
that was in the sky over Bethlehem
appeared in June that year.
So Christmas is cancelled, kids.
And once again, you can thank science.
Barack Obama, this week,
named Nobel prize-winning physicist,
Steve Chu, as his energy secretary,
unless he was just sneezing.
Since the arrest
of Illinois Governor
Rod Blagojevich,
much more attention is being paid
to New York Governor David Paterson
in his choice for the Senate seat
vacated by Hillary Clinton.
Here to publicly address the issue
is New York governor David Paterson.
Have you heard about this guy,
Blagojevich?
This guy's a real criminal.
What is he?
From New Jersey?
I mean, I was shocked
by his wrongdoing.
Governor, you yourself
very notably confessed
to lots of wrong-doing
when you first took office.
That's true,
but my crimes were merely
crimes of the heart.
And drug crimes.
The news out of Illinois puts a lot
of focus on you and your choice
to fill the open Senate seat
vacated by Hillary Clinton.
Yes, it does.
I want to assure all New Yorkers
that any candidate for this seat
must meet three strict criteria.
Number one, economic experience.
The person I select
must be prepared to help this state
face a grave economic crisis.
And it's bad out there, Seth.
If you don't believe me, take a look
at this graph that I got here.
As you can see...
it shows
that unemployment in 2008...
It's upside down.
You bet it is!
The whole world is upside down,
and someone's got to fix it.
Second, you know,
we need some upstate influence.
I want to choose a Senator not from
the glitzy coke parties of Manhattan
but, rather, from the shabbier coke
circles of upstate New York.
I'm tired of all these fancy,
two-eyed smart alecks
from the Big City running the show.
It's time we get someone from Utica,
Syracuse, or Schenectady.
Towns where people have a little
something off about them.
I mean, they don't have to be blind.
I mean, someone
with a gamy arm or...
You know, maybe the giant gums
with the tiny teeth.
Let's get one of those
in the Senate.
No matter who we pull out
of the freak bin, it will be better than
the garbage piles
New Jersey elected.
What do you have against New Jersey?
Unfortunately, a southern border.
Plus, you know,
the place stinks like garbage.
But seriously, I think...
You should get on to your 3rd point.
Can do. Third...
a wild card.
Whoever's appointed Senator
must, like me,
be caught totally off guard and be
comically unprepared to take office.
I don't know how many people remember
this, but I was not supposed to be
your governor.
I kind of fell ass-backwards
into this about ten months ago,
due to a sex scandal that I was
miraculously not at the center of.
I mean, come on,
I'm a blind man who loves cocaine,
who was suddenly appointed
Governor of New York.
My life is an actual plot
from a Richard Pryor movie.
To summarize, you want someone
with some knowledge of the economy
who is a little off and is completely
unprepared to be Senator.
- Do you have anyone in mind?
- Yes, me.
Hell, I'll go to Washington.
Anything to get
further away from New Jersey.
Governor Paterson,
ladies and gentlemen.
The New York post reported,
this week,
that possible Senatorial contender,
Caroline Kennedy,
had a small butterfly
tattooed on her arm
during a family vacation
in the '80s.
Not to be outdone, Ted got sleeved.
A man in Nebraska
who is the dubbed "The Butt Bandit"
from making greasy imprints
of his naked rear end on windows
has been sentenced
to more than a year in jail.
In jail, he'll introduce himself
to the other inmates as Jeff.
Many restaurants in San Francisco...
Can you see me on TV?
I crapped all over New Jersey.
You're on TV, Governor.
You're in the way.
- You can't stop there.
- Keep moving.
Many restaurants in San Francisco
are reporting that business
has significantly dropped off
and that people who do eat out
order what are called nontrays,
which is when people share appetizers
instead of ordering full meals.
And other news,
nobody calls them that.
The FDA, this week,
unanimously approved
a less costly version
of the female condom.
Hear that, ladies? The female condoms
you wouldn't use in a zillion years
are now cheaper.
Walmart announced plans to sell
a $99 version of the Iphone
at their stores.
However, it will be lacking
some of the Iphone features,
like the camera and the touch screen
and the ability to make calls,
and it's just a calculator.
It was announced, this week, that
Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove
will be auctioned off next week.
Man, if that glove could talk, it would
probably apologize to a lot of kids.
A man in Arkansas,
this past weekend, flew over a river
in a jet pack powered only
by hair bleach, but was disappointed
when he reach the other side
to discover he was still an idiot.
Despite his recent arrest
on federal corruption charges
and calls from the Illinois Attorney
General for him to step down,
Gov. Blagojevich has yet to resign,
which brings us to a segment
we like to call:
You're not going to resign?
Because you should resign.
Even Illinois politicians
are saying you should resign.
And when Illinois politicians think
you're too corrupt, you're too corrupt.
That's like Amy Winehouse
telling you to go to rehab.
And really, it's 2008.
Did you not know
that people tap phones?
You've never seen
a TV show or a film?
When you're doing something illegal,
you need to speak in code.
When I call up my weed dealer
and I ask for $50 worth
of circus tickets,
you know what he doesn't give me?
Circus tickets!
And really, how did you think
you'd get away with this?
George Ryan, the governor before you,
was in jail for the same thing.
When people are burned,
they become vigilant.
My friend once brought a girl home
who turned out to be a dude.
So every time he meets a girl, you can
bet he checks for an adam's apple.
That really happened
to Seth's friend.
It's beside the point,
but the hair...
It looks like you're wearing
a toupee that's also wearing a toupee.
It's like you have
a pro-seeding hairline.
Is that really your hair or did you
grow out your eyebrows and comb them up?
It's like someone put the hair
on backwards
on one of those fisher-price people.
The first time I saw you,
I thought you were walking away.
You're supposed to put the Rogaine
on the crown, not the forehead.
I thought you had a bad temper,
but maybe your head's just hot
from being under that bear skin rug.
I mean, really?
Three employees
of a KFC in California
have been suspended for bathing
in a deep sink used to clean dishes.
Which makes me wonder,
where is this magical mythical KFC
that has dishes?
Kiss announced that, next year,
they will record their first new album
since 1998.
"That's awesome," said the guy
who still lives in your hometown.
According to new research,
obese women have more sex
than thin women.
The study was conducted
by the prestigious
Sir Mix-A-Lot Institute
for big butt sciences.
Police in New York
arrested two coeds
from the Fashion Institute
of Technology
for allegedly dealing cocaine
from their dorm room.
Though, in fairness,
at F.I.T., that is a major.
I did just want to take a moment,
to thank everybody.
This is my last show.
And it has been
an amazing experience to be here.
Being able to do over
140 shows with my friends
and my family
has been a dream come true.
And from the bottom of my heart,
I really...
$50 worth of circus tickets...
- Governor Paterson...
- You're in the shot.
- So sorry about that.
- Don't do that.
Just keep walking, I guess.
Just stop right there.
That's good.
- Great. No... There we go.
- I'm sorry?
- You're good where you are.
- Wonderful show.
Anyway, I would like to say
thank you to everybody.
I love you and I will miss
all of you so much.
For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers!
Well, that wraps up another fine day
at the lamp store.
I almost get sad
every time we sell a lamp.
I know it sounds corny,
but I do love our lamps.
Good night, lamps.
We're three wonderful lamps
Bringing light into your life
If you'll give us the chance
We're three fabulous lamps
And after closing time
We sing and dance.
- The shopkeepers!
- They're coming back.
Hide!
Why do you need your umbrella?
It's not even raining.
You can never be too sure.
Honey...
Harold, did those lamps move?
What? Don't be silly.
- Where's your umbrella?
- I think it's over here.
That's not it.
That's the one from last year.
That one has a broken spring.
There you go...
Found it!
You'd lose your head
if it wasn't attached.
Very funny.
We're three excellent lamps
We're best used in rooms
With no natural light.
- The jig is up!
- Get 'em!
What are you guys doing?
- It's too late.
- They've seen our magical powers.
If word of this were to get out,
we would be hunted like dogs.
- We won't tell anyone, we swear.
- Sorry, we can't take that chance.
Open wide.
This is crazy.
This is what's happening, Sharon.
And you can either
get in line or get out!
This is madness
But we have no choice
Where do we go from here?
We're only lamps
Oh, God...
I need you now
I'm a grandfather clock
And I'm not for sale
I'm here to...
- What did you do to Harold and Janey?
- It's not what it looks like.
Like hell it isn't.
I'm calling the cops.
It had to be done.
It had to be done.
Only God can judge us now.
What have we become?
Betrayed the ones who loved us
Our backs against the wall
And soon we'll have to run
But first...
Let's make the shop owners
watch us have sex.
I don't know if we have to do that.
Don't want to do that?
Forget I said anything. It's OK.
It's fine.
Because...
Being a lamp is a crazy life
Kooky old owner and his crazy wife
Anything can happen
when you end their lifes
Except you can't feel love.
But not the Broadway you're thinking of.
The Broadway in Iraq!
I'm ready.
Here's how I want it to start.
"Cat-tention, everyone.
"Meowy christmas."
Why are you shaking your head?
Are you going to do
this whole thing in the cat voice?
This is our Christmas letter.
We do this every year.
I am trying
to make sure it flows well.
And in order to do that,
I need to read it like he would.
"Greetings and salutations.
"It is I, Godfrey,
"the Sorensen family cat.
"I'm sorry once again
"that I am not writing you
all more pur-sonnal letters."
Seven "r".
"But this year,
we had a cat-tastrophe
"in the Sorensen home.
"As some of you may know,
after a long bout of feline leukemia,
"on November 12, 2008, I was put
"to sleep."
Why are you not typing?
You really want to do this?
Do I really want to do what?
Do you really want to write
a Christmas letter from a dead cat?
What is the problem?
It's weird when you were just
ghost writing for a cat.
Now you're ghost writing
for a ghost cat. I think,
people are going
to be creeped out by that.
Tough tacos.
"Well, have no fear.
"I am currently writing to you
from kitty cat heaven,
"and all of my friends are here.
Mr. Socks, Moxi,
"and little Walter,
who still looks adorable,
"even after he was run over
by a mail truck."
- You're not typing.
- I don't think you want to bring
our friends' dead animals into this.
It's a real downer.
Do you want to write this?
I don't think so, so zip it.
"Although the cause of my rapid decline
is at this time not known,
"there is some speculation
that a radical procedure
"could have saved my life.
"At first, I was furious,
"but now, I have made puss with it."
I was not going to spend $54,000
on a cat bone marrow transplant!
I know. You made
a very practical decision.
I am not responsible
for the death of this animal.
You are not responsible
for the death of this what?
I am not responsible
for the death of our...
feline son.
I just wish you could try to be more
sensitive because he loved Christmas.
And he loved you and when people
were tickled by his letter.
You're right.
- He was a good guy.
- He certainly was.
"Well, the howlidays are upon us.
"So I lick to tell you
"what's been going on
around the Sorenson family mouse.
"Sorry, I must be getting hungry.
I meant house."
Very funny.
- Don't say it if you don't think it.
- I think it's wonderful.
I appreciate that.
"My parents are having
a fun but challenging year.
"Every chance my dad gets,
he makes a fe-line
"for the golf course.
"And my mom just had surgery
to correct her hammer toe.
"Hopefully, she'll get a comfy
pair of slippers from Santa claws."
Claws with a "w" like the animal.
"Well, that's all for now. I hope
you enjoyed this Christmas litter.
"Have a great holiday
"and a happy neuter year.
"Wuv, Godfrey."
I am not writing "wuv".
You can put a gun in my mouth.
I'm not writing the word "wuv".
I'll make "wuv" to you.
Good afternoon everyone.
You've all been working
extra hard these past months.
I appreciate you coming in.
There's coffee and...
The Philadelphia branch
sent over some cookies, so...
- help yourselves.
- Tom, what's this all about?
We're hearing a lot
of rumors about layoffs.
I got an e-mail
that freaked me out a little.
There are going to be some
serious changes starting tomorrow.
How serious are we talking here?
I'm hearing they might be
shutting down whole departments.
- I knew it.
- Told you.
Awful.
Sorry.
What about us?
Are we going to lose our jobs?
I don't know, Lisa. This whole year
has been full of surprises.
- The holidays are coming up.
- If the worst were to happen,
- we'd still get a severance package?
- Of course.
- I'm assuming something like that.
- It's my last one.
Don't tell my trainer.
He's going to kill me.
Little cookie secret.
I don't understand how they can't
give us at least three months' notice.
Tell me about it.
Is that asking too much?
It's been tough on me too, guys.
Sorry, guys.
A real cookie mouth.
Do you want to move
the cookie tray to you?
- Would that make it easier?
- I'm done.
But somebody should arrest
this cookie company for cookie-cide.
I can't believe this is happening.
This whole nightmare just landed
on my desk this morning.
It's not your fault.
Everyone's going through it.
Is no one else going to have these?
The peanut butter stripy ones.
You might want to pay attention.
Your department, internet sales,
is one of our biggest expenses.
I wish I could stop.
You should put one of the security
guards on cookie patrol!
Do you understand the gravity
of what's going on here?
Will you stop pretending you can't
control yourself. Eat the damn cookies.
Don't have to tell me twice.
It has almonds in it, that one.
I think that's dark chocolate.
I'm bad.
You're gonna have to take me to cookie
court. Guilty as charged, your honor.
Cookie crimes.
Orange peel.
There's ginger in there, too.
I like it.
Take me to confession.
I don't know what that is.
Coffee nibs in those.
Afternoon.
- Are you eating those cookies?
- Is there a problem?
They're a protype from the Dulcolax
corporation. They're not cookies at all.
They're stool softeners.
I have a question. What's closer,
the men's room or the ladies' room?
Get out of his way.
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB
Boogawanga, So.
That's it!
I've had a fantastic time.
I hope you've enjoyed it.
Thanks to Kanye West.
Maya Rudolph.
Amy Poehler.
And to all of you,
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!