Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 33, Episode 12 - Steve Carell/Usher - full transcript

Good afternoon students!

In a few moments...

you will be called
forward to receive your diplomas

and your time here will end.

But as you walk out these doors today

I ask you to remember something:

all of us here, myself included,
came to this place from other schools.

Schools where we just didn't
quite fit in, where,

try as we might,
we just weren't popular.

Where we felt like square pegs

trying to squeeze into round holes.



But here, we found
that everyone is accepted.

No one is shut out.

Because this is more than a school.
It's a family.

A loving, nurturing family
that doesn't care about your background,

or the way that you dress,
or tease you because you have a

funny name.

That's how families are.

Will the seniors,
please rise for their diplomas.

Eileen Dover,

Pat McGroin,

Jack David Mehoff,

Mike Anthony Hunt,

Lotta Christine Semen,

Rod Steven Gazenya,



Peter Brian Gazenya,

Wilma Ruth Fingerdoo,

Cumona Elizabeth Wannalaya,

Eton Thomas Bush,

Ophelia Jane Pecker,

Haywood Paul Jablowme,

Yuben Alexa Yankenoff,

Clamidia Marie Carrier,

Dick Hurtz.

Is Dick Hurtz not with us today?

Who's Dick Hurtz?

I will remind the students

that this is a commencement exercise

and not an occasion for childish pranks.

Buster Wingate Hymen,

Cravin Pomera Morehead,

Harry Albert Cox,

Harry Barton Dix,

Harry Dennison Crank,

Harry Michael Schwantz,

Harry Charles Wombus,

Harry Milton Wang,

Harry Kimbal Dong,

Harry Steward Yingyang,

Harry Mot Balzac,

Harry Nicholas Perovtestis III,

Yoanna Nailer,

I. Sherwood Nailer,

Avery Boykin Nailer,

Howell U. Nailer,

Ivana Doer Bottom,

Tamara Willit Hurt,

Albe Dun Qwik,

Justin Difront Sailor,

Orell Canbe Good,

Orell Israel Fast,

Ann Safer Tyoo,

Orelly May Wurk,

Willa Uleta Snow.

And finally,

George Michael Steinbrenner.

In closing, one simple thought:

whatever road you may take in life,

whatever you become, whether
it is a superstar like Oprah Winfrey

giving people free Hummers on tv,
or something less glamorous

like working at the local poultry plant
just choking the chickens.

I hope that
you try to give something back

to your community,
to your state, to your country

like the war hero in whose honor
this school is named:

Major Dildo Pounder.

Good luck graduates, the class of '08...

... and live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!

S. 33 Ep. 12 - 17 may 2008
Steve Carell / Usher

Thank you very much!

It is so good to be back

at Saturday Night Live
hosting the season finale.

For those of you who do not know:
the season finale is reserved

for only the finest quality of host.

So, yes, I am a big deal!

You know, the most amazing part of SNL
is the schedule.

You're putting in 18-hour days.
By the end of the week you're exhausted.

And you have to count on
your adrenaline to kick in.

What if it doesn't?
That's why

as a precautionary measure
I drank 6 Red Bulls.

I never had one before
so I hope that's enough and

I also had a bunch of Sour Patch Kids.

I think I'm gonna be fine!

I love New York this time of year.

It's springtime, people are outside...

I think the Red Bull
just hit the bloodstream.

Give me a second.

Feels like my hair is growing.

I'm settling down again.
Sorry about that.

New York in springtime...

Here we go.

Should not have had 6 Red Bulls!

I didn't expect the pounding
but I'm okay.

Feels like all of my organs
are fighting one another right now.

Deep breath.

I am fine.

I'm not. I'm sorry!
I am so sorry.

I seriously can't organize
my thoughts right now.

I can only see the color yellow.

Just give me a second.
Now, we're fine.

I think there may be
something wrong with me.

I'm seeing into the future
and the past at the same time.

Very strange. Very unsettling.
You know what?

I'm sorry,
I just have to get out of here.

I gotta get outta here!

Door is locked.

You know what?
It's fine, I'm just going to...

I'm gonna make my way back
on the stage

and everything is going to be fine.
Excuse me, sir.

Mind if I cut through here?

You have very large knees.

Mind if I sit here?

I'll have a seat down for a second.

Would you rub my head?

That feels so good!

You know what?
I think I also ate Circus Peanuts

and it had just started coming up.

I gotta get out.
I really have to get out of here.

Are you OK?

It's my wife.

It's my beautiful wife Nancy.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I just drank too many Red Bulls
and ate too many candies.

Honey, listen. Look at me.

Did you really drink a lot of Red Bulls?

Did you really eat a lot of candy?

Is all of this just cos' you're nervous?

Listen, look at me.
You relax, you calm down.

You're gonna be great.
Now get back up on that stage, OK?

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- Does that happen often?
- Every morning.

Sorry about that.

Shouldn't happen again unless
I am to be in one of the sketches.

We have a great show tonight.
Usher is here.

Stick around, we'll be right back.

The Democratic Primaries.

A race for the nomination.

From January to June...

Ideally, sooner.

... the fate of a party
hangs in the balance.

From Iowa...

Which was a caucus state,
and shouldn't carry as much weight.

... to California.

Which any Democrat would carry
in the general election, anyway.

From the hope of the future...

The youth.

... to the backbone of the party.

Hard-working white people.

Now, two candidates remain.

- Only one mathemetically viable.
- And it's anyone's race.

Both have their assets...

- Charisma.
- Ruthless ambition.

... and their liabilities.

- Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
- Bill Clinton.

And they both have their eyes
on one prize:

the Democratic Nomination.

In 2012.

It's not over
until all the votes are counted...

Including Michigan and Florida.

... until all the superdelegates
have voted.

- An important mandate to the people.
- Made up their minds, independently.

Because, in the end,
no matter who wins,

we can all stand behind one idea:

- I deserve this.
- Democracy.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE

Welcome back to Deal

or No Deal.

I'm standing here with Stew B.
How are you feeling?

I'm feeling OK, a little nervous but OK.

4 cases remain.

One has a penny.

One has one dollar.

One has 5 dollars.

One has one

million

dollars.

You have one case beside you,

3 remain on the stage with the models.

The bank offered you 211,000 dollars

and you said...

"No deal".

I did. It was a hard decision
but I did say "No deal".

Now, 211,000$ is a lot of money.

It is, but I really think
that my briefcase has the million.

But your father pretty vocally
disagree with you.

You should've taken the deal!

Not surprised, though.
All you do is make bad decisions.

You be quiet,
I didn't have to invite you.

Yes, you did!

You live in my basement
and you don't have a driver's license.

You just be quiet.

So Stew,

are you ready to open the case?

I am ready.
I am ready to prove you wrong!

I would love that!
Please prove me wrong just once!

Be quiet!

Pick a case.

15, that's Rebecca's case!

Open the case.

One last chance.
Are you sure you're ready Stew?

I'm sure.

You know what else
he was sure of?

He was sure he could
open a Quizno's franchise.

"I can do it Dad.
I make sandwiches all the time."

But I could Dad !

I said "I believe in you,
let's go to the bank, son",

cosigned the loan, Howie.

Shut up Dad!

3 weeks later, I figure
I'll go visit my boy at work.

2 in the afternoon, Howie!

Get down there the place
is all locked up, lights are off.

Go home, he's asleep in the basement
with Logan's Run blasting loud as hell

outta the tv that I bought him!

I hate you, hate you so much.

Open the case.

Last question,
do you wanna switch cases?

No, that's my case.
I'm sticking with that case.

Sticking with it that would be a first!

Just like you stuck with
air conditioning repair school.

Honest to God, Howie, he dropped out
because he said it was too cold.

It was too cold!

You only stayed one day!

Open the case.

- Don't yell at a woman!
- Don't yell at me!

Why? Are you a woman?
Wait, that's right, you are.

I'm sorry Ma'am, a thousand apologises.

I am a man!

Are you ready?

I am ready

Well then Rebecca,
you better open the case.

Rebecca, you're in
a silly mood today I think.

I know I'm a bit drunk tonight

Very funny.

I'm not joking

Could one of the other girls
open the case?

Good idea.

You know what else is
thought was a good idea?

Breeding alpacas in the backyard!

And you know
what's in the backyard now?

A whole bunch of dead alpacas.

Dad, stop it. Tonight is my night.

If it's your night where is your little
monster toys and your deadbeat friends?

It's a Warhammer gaming club!

Aurora, will you open Rebecca's case?

I really don't feel comfortable
doing that Howie.

Jordana?

Can I just say one more time

how much 211,000 dollars is?

You can get your own place.

And if I move out what happens to you?

What do you mean?

After Mom left, I'm all you have.

How would you spend your days
without me around?

You stayed for me?

I stayed for you.

That is the sweetest thing that I've...

Howie, I opened the case!

Unfortunately
that's the million dollar case.

I'm so sorry Stew.

Deal!

What?

I take the deal.

It's too late for that.

Please give him the deal Howie!

When we return,
a far lower offer for Stew.

That was for you, Anna Nicole Smith.
We miss you, baby.

Let's give it up for Timone!

So much emotion
in that young man every single week!

If you've just arrived,
I'm your host, Peter Pops.

Welcome to Karaoke and I hope
you can carry a tune. Okie?

You used that joke last week!

It's Random Draw Night, which means
it's not first-come, first-sing.

So, next up and

I hope that you are ready.

There's gum on this.

Who did this?

That's us, bro!
Ready to sing, babe?

And now...

Two A-Holes do Karaoke.

Looks like we got
a couple first-timers.

You know me, I'm Peter Pops.
And you two...

- are?
- Bored.

It's so stupid in here.

Do something to make it suck less.

Alright, I'm trying.

Do you have a song
that you would like to sing?

- You got a song?
- Where are our outfits?

- Where do we change?
- I won't wear wool.

She's afraid of sheep.

You don't change clothes.
Have you ever seen karaoke?

We know this stuff.

- So where's the band?
- I wanna play bongos.

- This is karaoke, there's no band.
- Alright, he fired the band, babe.

- I didn't fire anybody.
- They quit, huh?

Nobdy quit. There's no band.

What, are they on strike?
An union thing?

Was it a plane crash, like La Bamba?
Aaliyah? What, too soon?

Now listen to me:

there is no band,
the music is played from C... Ds.

Like CDs nuts?

You need to give me
the name of your song,

or we're gonna have
to move on to somebody else.

You ready, babe?

Ready to do some karry-okes?

You ready to rock it, babe?

Get our rock on?

Babe, rock?

We're ready.

- Then what would you like to do?
- What do you want to do, babe?

- I wanna do stand-up.
- She wants to tell some jokes.

No lady.
You're supposed to sing.

We're gonna tell jokes instead.
Watch.

- Hey, babe, what are you afraid of?
- Sheep.

- What kind of dreams they give ya?
- Bad.

- Don't laugh!
- Pretty good, huh?

No, she's awful, in many ways.

- You wanna see her impressions?
- I'd rather die.

Babe, do a cow eating grass.

Now, do Yoda eating grass.

- May the force be with you, babe!
- And also with you.

The two of you
are going to have to leave!

- The next...
- No, we're gonna sing now.

- Fine. What's your song?
- You got a song, babe?

Don't worry, she's got one.

- What is it?
- Tell him, babe.

- Guess.
- She wants you to guess.

What? I don't know.
Baby Got Back?

- Since U Been Gone?
- Wrong.

Brown Eyed Girl?

That song's gross!

It's about butt sex.

No, it is not about...
OK, alright.

Why am I guessing?
Just tell me what the song is!

I want to sing Baby Got Back.

I said that!
That's the first one I said!

You said "Baby Got Back".

It's "Baby Got Back".

Fine, whatever.
Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Got Back!

Get out! Get out of here!

Let's go, babe, they're closing.

We are not closing. You're closing.
I am closing you down.

You ruined it!
You ruined the only thing that I love!

What do you have to say for yourselves?

- What do you think, babe?
- You look like Eddie Rabbitt.

Rot in hell!

- Say good night, babe.
- Good night, babe.

Hi, I'm Ricky Gervais.

Creator and star of the far superior
British version of The Office.

As you may know, the American version
of The Office is based on mine.

And by based on,
I mean copied exactly.

I'm being harsh,
thanks, they made changes.

In fact, they completely changed
the character of Tim to Jim.

Brilliant!

Way to make it your own.

But what you might not know is that
my inspiration for creating The Office

was a Japonese television show.

We used, you know, a jumping-off point.

But I think you'll find... You know this
Japonese show is completely different.

From the show
that you now know and love.

So now, never before seen
on American TV,

the true original Japonese version
of The Office.

Hey, Japan, Regis here.
Buy these!

Orimasama tampons,

you'll go crazy for them.

She is beautiful...

It's funny 'cause it's racist.

I'm John McCain.
And I approve this message.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

I ask you,

what should we be looking for
in our next president?

Certainly, someone who is
very, very, very old.

But just as important, we will need
a leader of courage and principle.

Someone who is willing to do
what is best for this country.

Even when doing so is unpopular.

Such as putting an end
to runaway government spending,

and, especially, congressional earmarks:

those wasteful pork barrel projects
sneaked anonymously into bills

by members of Congress

as a favor to campaign contributors

for powerful local interests.

Most of these projects
are at best unnecessary,

such as $15 million
to the U.S. Postal Service

for a commemorative stamp honoring
Tom Delay's appellate lawyers.

Whose idea was that?

Or this bit of pork:

$160 million
to the Department of Defense

for developing a device
that can jam gaydar.

Now, I don't know
if this is anti-gay, or pro-gay,

or if such a device would even work.

But I do know this:

jamming gaydar
is not a federal responsibility.

That's something best left
to state and local governments.

My friends, I've fought waste
in government my entire career.

And during more than twenty years,

representing Arizona
in both the House and Senate,

I have not once

sought to bring pork-barrel spending
back to my state.

Not even highway funds.

When I entered the Senate in 1987,

Arizona had forty-seven thousand miles
of paved roadway.

Today, it's less than nine hundred.

I've also opposed
federal water projects,

even when they benefitted my state.

That's why, thanks to me,

15% of Arizona citizens

must get their drinking water
from cactus.

In 25 years,

I haven't even brought
a post office to my state.

And I'm proud of the fact that,
because of my work,

when residents of Flagstaff
want to mail a letter,

or to pick up a package,

they have to drive to New Mexico.

My friends,
controlling government spending

isn't just about
Republicans or Democrats.

It's about being able
to look your children in the eye.

Or, in my case,

my children, grandchildren,

great grandchildren,
great-great grandchildren,

and great-great-great grandchildren.

The youngest of whom
are nearing retirement.

And tell them:

"We have left you
the same things we were left:

a future free from debt."

As your president, I will guarantee it.

I have the courage,
the wisdom, the experience,

and, most importantly,
the oldness necessary.

The oldness it takes to protect America,

to honor her, love her,

and tell her about
what cute things the cat did.

Thank you, and good night.

- I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Amy Poehler.

And here are tonight's top stories.

On Wednesday, John Edwards
officially endorsed himself

for vice president.

It's believed that Edward's endorsement
of Senator Obama

will help Obama nail down

the critical handsome millionaire vote.

A monumental victory
for the gay rights movement.

The California Supreme Court,
on Thursday,

overturned a ban on gay marriage.

This is great news
for the state's mesh tuxedo industry.

This week, New York State Governor
David Paterson

signed into law
the new Studio 54 bill.

John Hammons, a 19-year-old freshman
at the University of Oklahoma,

became the mayor of Muskogee this week

when he was the last person in town
to shout: "Not it!"

According to a new report
by the Energy Department,

wind turbines can produce a fifth

of the nation's annual electricity needs

within about two decades.

Which could drastically reduce

our dependence on foreign wind.

While the battle for
the Democratic nomination rages on,

the Republican party settled on
their nominee months ago.

Here now with a message to voters,
that nominee,

Senator John McCain!

I'd like to begin tonight
by thanking Republican voters.

We're gearing up
for one of the most pivitol elections

in this nation's history,

and I'm honored to be part of it.

But I also want to speak to Democrats.

I know we don't see eye-to-eye
on every issue.

But I also believe
we respect one another.

That's why

I want to give you
this piece of advice:

Democrats, I have to urge you

to not, under any circumstances,

pick a candidate too soon.

So you don't think
Hillary should drop out?

Absolutely not.

- I told you.
- Cool it! - You cool it!

That's right,
fight amongst yourselves.

- What did you say?
- Nothing.

But what I want to say
to the Democrats is this:

You have two incredibly
talented candidates.

Why not take
every possible second to weigh

each of their pros and cons?

For all you know,
there are a bunch of cons

you don't even know about yet.

Cons that won't reveal themselves

should you choose
a candidate too early.

But of course,
the convention is in late August

so I guess that would be the deadline.

What's the rush, Seth?

I'd urge Democrats
not to get caught up in the idea

that the candidate has to be decided

by the time the convention ends.

I've been to a lot of conventions
and they are a lot of fun.

But when they end,

there's always that empty feeling

of, "Oh well, we've picked a nominee,
I guess the party's over."

Imagine the excitement

of leaving the convention and still not
knowing who the nominee was.

That would be crazy.

Crazy exciting!

And if, come November,
you still haven't decided,

I'd be willing to set aside
my differences with your party and say:

"Let's put both of them on the ballot!"

I'll support you on that.
It's the least I can do.

In conclusion, I want to add

that I also thought John Edwards
had a lot of good ideas.

And you might want
to kick the tires on him one more time.

Thank you, and God bless America.

President Bush said in an interview
that he gave up golf

in 2003 in support of the troops.

Because he thought
playing golf during a war

just sends the wrong message.

You know what else
sends the wrong message?

Literally sending the wrong message!

Taliban insurgents have ordered
residents of a province near Kabul

to stop watching television,

saying the networks
were showing un-Islamic programs.

Most notably,
the popular Afghani soap opera

"The Woman Who Went Outside".

Britney Spears was involved
in another car collision on Tuesday,

when she hit the back of an SUV
in Beverly Hills.

Damage was minimal, though,
as Spears was on foot.

According to new research
from the U.S. government,

heavy marijuana use can boost
blood levels of a particular protein,

raising a person's risk
of a heart attack or stroke.

Don't panic. The study says

you'd have to smoke
an average of ten joints a day.

You'd have to smoke the ten joints a day
every day for the last twenty years.

Wait. What are we talking about?

- Nothing.
- Good.

This week, Nintendo launched a new game

for the Wii system, called Wii Fit,

which is an exercise program
that comes with a balance board

and features a virtual trainer.

And in just twelve weeks,
you'll go from looking like this:

to looking like this:

A Dutch train driver
was suspended this week

after accidentally leaving on
the train's PA while masturbating.

Said the train driver,

"I think I can... I think I can..."

With more superdelegates going his way,
Barack Obama is poised to clench

the Democratic nomination.
Here with some advice for Sen. Obama,

are the Rev. Jesse Jackson
and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

Greetings, Seth and Amy.

Tonight, we pause
and praise and give thanks

for the opportunity

to address you, Mr. Barack Obama.

For 2008,

the dream of a Black president
seems genuine

actual and America-factual!

It's for real!

But, the Democratic nomination is not

a presidential coronation
and rat-a-tat-tat!

Last week,

20% of Hillary Clinton voters
in West Virginia

said that race was
a dominating factor in their vote!

It's a disgrace!

Barack Obama,

the truth is unfortunate,
yet indisputable.

This race is inextricably tied

to race.

- It's a race race!
- Yes, sir.

Embrace your race for you cannot erase

your face!

So, tonight

we entreat you:

oh be vigilant.

For, as close as you are
to the presidency

you know from our people's history
what could happen.

One mistake, and...

They take it away!

Mr. Obama, it's fine
to not wear a flag pin on your lapel.

But if you're gonna wear a dashiki...

They take it away!

It's okay to be close to
the African-American community leaders.

But get your picture
taken with Farrakhan...

And they take it away!

Mr. Obama, you're a smoker,

so it's fine to partake of a cigarette
here and there.

But if it's a whole pack
of Newport menthols...

They take it away!

It's fine to have the media
talk to women from your past.

But if they dig up one baby mama...

They take it away!

And they might throw your ass in jail!

Easy.

Mr. Obama, you must never
let them take it away.

For only if you're calculated
and modulated

will the presidency
finally be consecrated!

You're up in the polls.
I wouldn't even leave your house

until November!

The Revs. Jesse Jackson
and Al Sharpton, everyone!

A ten-year old boy in California

has entered his sophomore year
at East Los Angeles College,

where he's receiving the equivalent
of a fourth grade education.

A man in Australia has been fined

after buckling
a case of beer with a seat belt,

but leaving a five-year old child
to sit on the car's floor.

Earning him the title of
World's Australianist Man.

The owner of
the Icelandic Phallological Museum,

which offers visitors a close-up look

at male reproductive organs
of several species,

says that four men have promised
to donate their penises

after their deaths.

- I'm thinking I might do that.
- Really?

I didn't know they had
a miniatures collection. Up top!

Why would I high-5 you on that?
Why would I do that?

Because if you get mad,
it looks like it's true!

Funny joke!

Not true. So funny, though.

This week, a man said
he survived a shark attack

by wrestling with the animal
and then poking it in the eye.

As a result, the man has been banned
from the Coney Island Aquarium.

A man in Florida is suing,
after he was ticketed on the beach

for wearing a speedo.
Though, in fairness,

he was wearing it as an ascot.

What a fancy man.

A Swiss man, this week, successfully
tested a new device he built,

which is a retractable wing with four
jet engines strapped to his back.

In an interview,
the man said he envisions a day

when everyone will die this way.

A growing number of communities
across the country are moving

to prevent sexual predators
from becoming ice cream truck drivers.

In particular, drivers for
Mr. Touch My Not-So-Softee.

Astronauts living
on the international space station

will soon be getting
their drinking water from a new system

that recycles their urine
into drinkable water.

Said one space station astronaut,

"It would have been nice to get
a heads-up on that before we got here."

- For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Amy Poehler,

thank you Charlie.

It's the Charlie Flitt Show
with your host

the weigh loss champion
who lost 200 pounds.

Here's Charlie!

How is everybody? Hi.
Thank you, what a great crowd.

We have such a good show.
You guys are lucky ducks!

Today, we're going to talk about
how weight loss affects your lives

and your heads.

Now, as you know,
I have lost over 200 pounds

and I have kept them off
for several months.

Enough about me.
Let's get this party started.

Spin me a little groove there, Eli.

I love to get my body moving.

When I was 200 pounds heavier
it was pretty impossible to dance.

My feet hurt,
my back hurt, my soul hurt.

But just try to stop me now.
I love it! I also love

my first guest.

She is such an inspiration.

She and I have dealt
with similar challenges

in the aftermath of drastic weight loss.

Please welcome Beth Cassiola.

Welcome!

It's so good to see you.

Good to see you too.

I want to thank you for sharing
your story with us today.

Would you tell us how much weight
you lost and how you did it?

I lost 169 pounds
on the Subway Sandwich Diet.

That is a whole lot of dry bread
but you look great.

And have you met Jared
from the Subway commercial?

Yes, I have and, ladies,
he is even hotter in person.

I have heard that about Jared.

I know first hand
since I've lost 200 pounds...

that losing weight can cause
real identity loss,

sexual issues, even substance abuse.
Did you suffer from any of these?

For a while I admit I went
a little overboard with the caffeine

and the exercise
but I'm starting to find a balance.

When I lost all that weight

my addictions got really outta hand.

I spent a little too much time
with google images.

I know that our audience

would like to ask you
a lot of questions. You mind?

No, not at all!
That would be great.

Who wants to start?

What's your favorite Subway sandwich?

The Roast Beef Club!
I never get sick of it.

Are your fat friends jealous of you now?

I don't know.
I don't talk to them anymore.

Are you single?

I'm getting married next month.

Congratulations!

Beth I understand
you met your husband-to-be

at a weight loss support group.

Yes, his name is Larry
and he lost 300 pounds

to a gastric bypass.

Due to some personal stress
he gained it back in the past year so...

He's been through a lot.
He's a great guy.

We have a little surprise.
Larry's here to say hello.

Come on out Larry!

I'd rather not!

Come on out Larry, your fianc?e awaits.

That's a little tough.

I forgot I'm not supposed
to break through that one.

You two are getting married.

Yes, I love this man and
this has been so great for our families.

Everyone is so excited.

My mother, who is now a recovering
alcoholic, is back in my life and

she's gonna be my maid of honor.

Do you mean this lady right here?
Please welcome Beth's mom Rwanda!

Oh my god! You're so sneaky Charlie.

What a surprise!

I know.

Here's another surprise.

Charlie has prepared a little song
in honor of Beth and her fianc? Larry.

That's sweet! Ladies and gentlemen,
singing Lost and Found, Charlie Flitt!

Heavy heart,

heavy frame

It seemed to be a losing game

But then that smile,

and then that glance

These used to be my big fat pants

With you I've lost

and found

That's all the time we have for today.

I just want to thank my guests
and thank myself for losing

200 pounds!

Thank you.

All right.
Welcome futures lifeguards.

This is CPR training.
And it's actually very exciting day

because I'm going to be teaching you
the new guidelines for CPR.

For over 50 years
the American Heart Association

has recommended mouth-to-mouth.

But now they are recommending
hands-only CPR

as the new life-saving standard.

And that's what we're about to learn.
So lets just jump right in.

My assistant, Greg, here,

has hopped up here
to give you a good view.

- How are you doing? You're comfortable?
- You know it, Thomas.

Greg here, is a former student of mine

and now he is a formidable lifeguard
at Crown Beach.

Maybe you've seen him over there.

Let's look at the proper way
to perform this new technique.

What the AHA recommends is to simply

push down on the victim's chest
hard and fast.

So I'm just gonna put
one hand on top of the other

like so and start compressing.

- You can press harder, Thomas.
- You sure?

Yeah, I'm good.

The ideal speed is about
100 compressions per minute.

You're not gonna hurt me. You can do it
right. I'm an adult. I can take it.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm going to do
some very firm compressions here.

Like... so!

- What did you do to me?
- It's OK.

- Nobody panic.
- What's going on down there?

Nothing. You're fine.

Looks...

we got a little puncture here...

got a little bit of blood.

- How's it look?
- Pretty good.

From where I'm standing
doesn't look so bad.

Man, where are you standing that is bad!

Everybody just remain calm.
This happens sometimes.

- When did this happens?
- Well, it happens.

Now, we're not going to panic.
This is fixable.

First thing you got to do

is gently reach inside the body cavity

and try to retrieve my wristwatch.

- I can feel that.
- Quit being a baby.

I can't find it. You know what,
you can keep the watch.

He's losing a lot of blood
and since he has no chest

I'm going to initiate mouth-to-mouth.

Here we go.

That's not good.

A little pain is normal.

That's it, that's enough.
It's over.

But it's OK. I've had a good life.

I graduated from high school.

I worked one summer as a lifeguard.

And I just got a free watch
from the coolest guy I know.

I think you could say I've crossed
everything off my bucket list.

That's a shame.

In some ways
I can't help but feel responsible.

You are responsible!

We all are responsible.

CPR can be a lot of fun,

but it can kill someone.

Its raining pretty hard out.
I hope she sleeps OK.

She'll be fine sweetheart.
We're right here.

I know but I worry.

You shouldn't.

I know what I can do
to make her feel better,

make you feel better.

Why don't we say a little prayer
before she goes to sleep?

Dear Lord,

please watch over

our little Jenna tonight and...

Bless this child.

Bless this child

Keep her safe and warm

And shield her from all harm

Protect her from the storm

Till the sun comes up again

Fill her dreams with gold

And make them all come true

Look at us

We're a family

One plus one makes three

Every fish that's in the ocean

Every angel in the sky

Every bridge into tomorrow
is because of you and I

You and I

Bless this child

Bless this child

Till the morning comes

And keep her safe from

You know what, honey?
I think I'm ready to move on from a doll

and have a real baby.

I wasn't gonna tell you
but the doctor called today.

Come here, you!

I'm gonna be a dad!

Team
SATURDAY NIGHT SUB

Benj!, Boogawanga, Olaola,
Skellos, Till, Valpi, So.