Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Buck Henry/Leon Redbone - full transcript

Announcer: "THE WALTONS EAT

THEIR YOUNG" WILL NOT BE SEEN

TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT

THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.

GARRETT?
HUH?
HAVE YOU MET THE FIVE

HUH?
HAVE YOU MET THE FIVE
FINALISTS OF THE "ANYONE CAN

HAVE YOU MET THE FIVE
FINALISTS OF THE "ANYONE CAN
HOST" CONTEST YET?

FINALISTS OF THE "ANYONE CAN
HOST" CONTEST YET?
NO, HAVE YOU?

HOST" CONTEST YET?
NO, HAVE YOU?
NO, I DIDN'T, BUT I CAN'T

NO, HAVE YOU?
NO, I DIDN'T, BUT I CAN'T
WAIT TO.

NO, I DIDN'T, BUT I CAN'T
WAIT TO.
YOU KNOW, OUT OF 150,000



WAIT TO.
YOU KNOW, OUT OF 150,000
ENTRIES, THE 5 FINALISTS... THEY

YOU KNOW, OUT OF 150,000
ENTRIES, THE 5 FINALISTS... THEY
ACTUALLY REPRESENT A

ENTRIES, THE 5 FINALISTS... THEY
ACTUALLY REPRESENT A
CROSS SECTION OF AMERICA.

ACTUALLY REPRESENT A
CROSS SECTION OF AMERICA.
OH, REALLY?

CROSS SECTION OF AMERICA.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH, LIKE THERE'S A CO-ED

OH, REALLY?
YEAH, LIKE THERE'S A CO-ED
FROM VASSAR, AND THERE'S A

YEAH, LIKE THERE'S A CO-ED
FROM VASSAR, AND THERE'S A
MOTHER OF THREE FROM PEORIA,

FROM VASSAR, AND THERE'S A
MOTHER OF THREE FROM PEORIA,
ILLINOIS.

MOTHER OF THREE FROM PEORIA,
ILLINOIS.
UH-HUH.

ILLINOIS.
UH-HUH.
AND THERE'S THIS UNEMPLOYED

UH-HUH.
AND THERE'S THIS UNEMPLOYED
GUY FROM OREGON, AND, UM... OH,

AND THERE'S THIS UNEMPLOYED
GUY FROM OREGON, AND, UM... OH,
AND THERE'S AN 80-YEAR-OLD

GUY FROM OREGON, AND, UM... OH,
AND THERE'S AN 80-YEAR-OLD
GRANDMOTHER FROM NEW ORLEANS...

AND THERE'S AN 80-YEAR-OLD
GRANDMOTHER FROM NEW ORLEANS...
OH, WOW.



GRANDMOTHER FROM NEW ORLEANS...
OH, WOW.
AND THE GOVERNOR OF

OH, WOW.
AND THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA.

AND THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA.
SAY, UH, THE CO-ED FROM

SOUTH DAKOTA.
SAY, UH, THE CO-ED FROM
VASSAR... IS SHE BLACK?

SAY, UH, THE CO-ED FROM
VASSAR... IS SHE BLACK?
UH, NO, GARRETT, NONE OF THE

VASSAR... IS SHE BLACK?
UH, NO, GARRETT, NONE OF THE
FINALISTS ARE BLACK.

UH, NO, GARRETT, NONE OF THE
FINALISTS ARE BLACK.
I KNEW IT.

FINALISTS ARE BLACK.
I KNEW IT.
GREAT CROSS SECTION!

I KNEW IT.
GREAT CROSS SECTION!
GREAT CROSS SECTION!

GREAT CROSS SECTION!
GREAT CROSS SECTION!
OH, WELL, GARRETT, THE

GREAT CROSS SECTION!
OH, WELL, GARRETT, THE
SIXTH RUNNER-UP...

OH, WELL, GARRETT, THE
SIXTH RUNNER-UP...
UH-HUH.

SIXTH RUNNER-UP...
UH-HUH.
WAS MULATTO.

UH-HUH.
WAS MULATTO.
OHH!

WAS MULATTO.
OHH!
I MEAN IT. HE WAS MULATTO.

OHH!
I MEAN IT. HE WAS MULATTO.
[CHUCKLES]

I MEAN IT. HE WAS MULATTO.
[CHUCKLES]
EXCUSE ME, GARRETT? GILDA?

[CHUCKLES]
EXCUSE ME, GARRETT? GILDA?
THESE ARE THE FIVE RUNNERS-UP.

EXCUSE ME, GARRETT? GILDA?
THESE ARE THE FIVE RUNNERS-UP.
THESE ARE ACTUALLY THE FIVE

THESE ARE THE FIVE RUNNERS-UP.
THESE ARE ACTUALLY THE FIVE
"ANYONE CAN HOST" FINALISTS.

THESE ARE ACTUALLY THE FIVE
"ANYONE CAN HOST" FINALISTS.
HEY. HOW YOU DOING?

"ANYONE CAN HOST" FINALISTS.
HEY. HOW YOU DOING?
HELLO.

HEY. HOW YOU DOING?
HELLO.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS YOUR

HELLO.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS YOUR
LOCKER, AND IF YOU NEED

EVERYBODY, THIS IS YOUR
LOCKER, AND IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING, NEED SOME CHANGE FOR

LOCKER, AND IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING, NEED SOME CHANGE FOR
THE VENDING MACHINES DOWNSTAIRS,

ANYTHING, NEED SOME CHANGE FOR
THE VENDING MACHINES DOWNSTAIRS,
DON'T HESITATE TO CALL, OKAY?

THE VENDING MACHINES DOWNSTAIRS,
DON'T HESITATE TO CALL, OKAY?
THANKS, NICK.

DON'T HESITATE TO CALL, OKAY?
THANKS, NICK.
HI, EVERYBODY.

THANKS, NICK.
HI, EVERYBODY.
OH, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI, EVERYBODY.
OH, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU, TOO.

OH, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU, TOO.
HI.

YOU, TOO.
HI.
WHICH ONE OF YOU IS WHICH?

HI.
WHICH ONE OF YOU IS WHICH?
I'M DAVE, THE UNEMPLOYED GUY

WHICH ONE OF YOU IS WHICH?
I'M DAVE, THE UNEMPLOYED GUY
FROM OREGON.

I'M DAVE, THE UNEMPLOYED GUY
FROM OREGON.
HI.

FROM OREGON.
HI.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

HI.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
I'M DEB BLAIR, MOTHER OF

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
I'M DEB BLAIR, MOTHER OF
THREE FROM PEORIA.

I'M DEB BLAIR, MOTHER OF
THREE FROM PEORIA.
I'M CONNIE, THE VASSAR CO-ED.

THREE FROM PEORIA.
I'M CONNIE, THE VASSAR CO-ED.
I'M DICK, THE GOVERNOR OF

I'M CONNIE, THE VASSAR CO-ED.
I'M DICK, THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA.

I'M DICK, THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA.
I'M MISKEL SPILLMAN. I'M OLD.

SOUTH DAKOTA.
I'M MISKEL SPILLMAN. I'M OLD.
[LAUGHTER]

I'M MISKEL SPILLMAN. I'M OLD.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY.

[LAUGHTER]
HEY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

HEY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HEY, HERE'S BUCK.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
HEY, HERE'S BUCK.
COME ON, BUCK.

HEY, HERE'S BUCK.
COME ON, BUCK.
COME ON IN HERE.

COME ON, BUCK.
COME ON IN HERE.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS

COME ON IN HERE.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS
BUCK HENRY.

EVERYBODY, THIS IS
BUCK HENRY.
HE'S HOSTING THE SHOW THIS WEEK.

BUCK HENRY.
HE'S HOSTING THE SHOW THIS WEEK.
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN!

HE'S HOSTING THE SHOW THIS WEEK.
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN!
NOW, LET ME SEE.

ALL RIGHT, MY MAN!
NOW, LET ME SEE.
UH, YOU MUST BE THE VASSAR

NOW, LET ME SEE.
UH, YOU MUST BE THE VASSAR
CO-ED.

UH, YOU MUST BE THE VASSAR
CO-ED.
YEAH.

CO-ED.
YEAH.
TERRIFIC.

YEAH.
TERRIFIC.
AND LET'S SEE.

TERRIFIC.
AND LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE THE MOTHER OF THREE FROM

AND LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE THE MOTHER OF THREE FROM
PEORIA.

YOU'RE THE MOTHER OF THREE FROM
PEORIA.
YOU BET.

PEORIA.
YOU BET.
I GUESS YOU'RE MRS. SPILLMAN,

YOU BET.
I GUESS YOU'RE MRS. SPILLMAN,
'CAUSE YOU'RE OLD, HUH?

I GUESS YOU'RE MRS. SPILLMAN,
'CAUSE YOU'RE OLD, HUH?
THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE YOU'RE OLD, HUH?
THAT'S RIGHT.
OKAY.

THAT'S RIGHT.
OKAY.
AND I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU MUST

OKAY.
AND I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU MUST
BE THE UNEMPLOYED KID FROM

AND I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU MUST
BE THE UNEMPLOYED KID FROM
OREGON?

BE THE UNEMPLOYED KID FROM
OREGON?
NO, I'M THE GOVERNOR OF

OREGON?
NO, I'M THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA.

NO, I'M THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA.
AH.

SOUTH DAKOTA.
AH.
WELL, SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO

AH.
WELL, SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO
TELL.

WELL, SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO
TELL.
SO, YOU'RE THE UNEMPLOYED KID

TELL.
SO, YOU'RE THE UNEMPLOYED KID
FROM OREGON!

SO, YOU'RE THE UNEMPLOYED KID
FROM OREGON!
RIGHT ON!

FROM OREGON!
RIGHT ON!
HOW ARE YOU, PAL?

RIGHT ON!
HOW ARE YOU, PAL?
ALL RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU, PAL?
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LISTEN, ARE YOU PEOPLE

ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LISTEN, ARE YOU PEOPLE
ALL SET FOR THE SHOW?

NOW, LISTEN, ARE YOU PEOPLE
ALL SET FOR THE SHOW?
All: NO.

ALL SET FOR THE SHOW?
All: NO.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

All: NO.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO, YOU JUST FOLLOW ME,

WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO, YOU JUST FOLLOW ME,
BECAUSE THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME

TO DO, YOU JUST FOLLOW ME,
BECAUSE THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME
HERE AS HOST, AND I'LL TRY AND,

BECAUSE THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME
HERE AS HOST, AND I'LL TRY AND,
YOU KNOW, SET EVERYTHING UP SO

HERE AS HOST, AND I'LL TRY AND,
YOU KNOW, SET EVERYTHING UP SO
IT'LL BE EASY FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, SET EVERYTHING UP SO
IT'LL BE EASY FOR YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN A SCRIPT YET?

IT'LL BE EASY FOR YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN A SCRIPT YET?
All: NO.

HAVE YOU SEEN A SCRIPT YET?
All: NO.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN GIVEN ONE

All: NO.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN GIVEN ONE
LINE.

WE'VE ONLY BEEN GIVEN ONE
LINE.
WELL, CAN I HEAR IT?

LINE.
WELL, CAN I HEAR IT?
All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

WELL, CAN I HEAR IT?
All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE"!

STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...

THE COMEDY TEAM OF...

AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BUCK HENRY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
WE WILL ESCHEW THE CUSTOMARY
MONOLOGUE BECAUSE THIS IS A VERY

WE WILL ESCHEW THE CUSTOMARY
MONOLOGUE BECAUSE THIS IS A VERY
SPECIAL SHOW, AS YOU ALREADY

MONOLOGUE BECAUSE THIS IS A VERY
SPECIAL SHOW, AS YOU ALREADY
KNOW.

SPECIAL SHOW, AS YOU ALREADY
KNOW.
OUT OF 150,000 POSTCARDS SENT IN

KNOW.
OUT OF 150,000 POSTCARDS SENT IN
FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, FROM

OUT OF 150,000 POSTCARDS SENT IN
FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, FROM
EVERY STATE IN AMERICA, WE HAVE

FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, FROM
EVERY STATE IN AMERICA, WE HAVE
SELECTED THESE FIVE AMAZINGLY

EVERY STATE IN AMERICA, WE HAVE
SELECTED THESE FIVE AMAZINGLY
BRAVE PEOPLE STANDING BEHIND

SELECTED THESE FIVE AMAZINGLY
BRAVE PEOPLE STANDING BEHIND
ME TO BE THE FINALISTS IN THE

BRAVE PEOPLE STANDING BEHIND
ME TO BE THE FINALISTS IN THE
"ANYONE CAN HOST THE

ME TO BE THE FINALISTS IN THE
"ANYONE CAN HOST THE
'SATURDAY NIGHT' SHOW" CONTEST.

"ANYONE CAN HOST THE
'SATURDAY NIGHT' SHOW" CONTEST.
NOW, WE HAD, OF COURSE, TO BURN

'SATURDAY NIGHT' SHOW" CONTEST.
NOW, WE HAD, OF COURSE, TO BURN
TWO-THIRDS OF THE CARDS FOR

NOW, WE HAD, OF COURSE, TO BURN
TWO-THIRDS OF THE CARDS FOR
OBSCENITY AND WEIRDNESS, AND OUT

TWO-THIRDS OF THE CARDS FOR
OBSCENITY AND WEIRDNESS, AND OUT
OF THE OTHERS WE'VE CHOSEN THESE

OBSCENITY AND WEIRDNESS, AND OUT
OF THE OTHERS WE'VE CHOSEN THESE
PEOPLE, AND WE THINK THAT THIS

OF THE OTHERS WE'VE CHOSEN THESE
PEOPLE, AND WE THINK THAT THIS
IS A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO MEET

PEOPLE, AND WE THINK THAT THIS
IS A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO MEET
THEM, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, ONE OF

IS A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO MEET
THEM, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, ONE OF
THESE PEOPLE... THE ONE YOU

THEM, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, ONE OF
THESE PEOPLE... THE ONE YOU
PICK... WILL HOST THE CHRISTMAS

THESE PEOPLE... THE ONE YOU
PICK... WILL HOST THE CHRISTMAS
SHOW.

PICK... WILL HOST THE CHRISTMAS
SHOW.
THAT MEANS YOU CAN USE THE

SHOW.
THAT MEANS YOU CAN USE THE
BALLOT IN TV GUIDE, OR YOU CAN

THAT MEANS YOU CAN USE THE
BALLOT IN TV GUIDE, OR YOU CAN
WRITE US A LETTER OR A POSTCARD,

BALLOT IN TV GUIDE, OR YOU CAN
WRITE US A LETTER OR A POSTCARD,
DEFINING EXACTLY WHO YOU WANT TO

WRITE US A LETTER OR A POSTCARD,
DEFINING EXACTLY WHO YOU WANT TO
BE THE HOST ON CHRISTMAS.

DEFINING EXACTLY WHO YOU WANT TO
BE THE HOST ON CHRISTMAS.
SO, LET'S MEET THEM ALL ONE AT A

BE THE HOST ON CHRISTMAS.
SO, LET'S MEET THEM ALL ONE AT A
TIME AND GET TO KNOW THEM.

SO, LET'S MEET THEM ALL ONE AT A
TIME AND GET TO KNOW THEM.
FIRST OF ALL, WEARING THE LETTER

TIME AND GET TO KNOW THEM.
FIRST OF ALL, WEARING THE LETTER
"A," THE GOVERNOR OF

FIRST OF ALL, WEARING THE LETTER
"A," THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA, RICHARD KNEIP.

"A," THE GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA, RICHARD KNEIP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SOUTH DAKOTA, RICHARD KNEIP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'LL SAY HELLO TO THE KIDS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'LL SAY HELLO TO THE KIDS.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT... A REAL,

I'LL SAY HELLO TO THE KIDS.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT... A REAL,
LIVE GOVERNOR.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT... A REAL,
LIVE GOVERNOR.
NOW, GOVERNOR, EXACTLY WHAT IS

LIVE GOVERNOR.
NOW, GOVERNOR, EXACTLY WHAT IS
IT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL THAT

NOW, GOVERNOR, EXACTLY WHAT IS
IT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL THAT
YOU'RE QUALIFIED TO HOST THE

IT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL THAT
YOU'RE QUALIFIED TO HOST THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?

YOU'RE QUALIFIED TO HOST THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?
WELL, BUCK, YOU AND OTHERS

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?
WELL, BUCK, YOU AND OTHERS
KNOW, OR THINK, AT LEAST, THAT A

WELL, BUCK, YOU AND OTHERS
KNOW, OR THINK, AT LEAST, THAT A
FELLOW BY THE NAME OF FORD HAD A

KNOW, OR THINK, AT LEAST, THAT A
FELLOW BY THE NAME OF FORD HAD A
LITTLE TROUBLE COMING ON THIS

FELLOW BY THE NAME OF FORD HAD A
LITTLE TROUBLE COMING ON THIS
SHOW, BUT I'VE GOT NINE GOOD

LITTLE TROUBLE COMING ON THIS
SHOW, BUT I'VE GOT NINE GOOD
REASONS WHY I'D LIKE TO HOST THE

SHOW, BUT I'VE GOT NINE GOOD
REASONS WHY I'D LIKE TO HOST THE
SHOW.

REASONS WHY I'D LIKE TO HOST THE
SHOW.
FIRST OF ALL, I'VE GOT EIGHT

SHOW.
FIRST OF ALL, I'VE GOT EIGHT
SONS AND A LOVELY WIFE, NANCY.

FIRST OF ALL, I'VE GOT EIGHT
SONS AND A LOVELY WIFE, NANCY.
I'VE GOT A GOOD STAFF BACK HOME.

SONS AND A LOVELY WIFE, NANCY.
I'VE GOT A GOOD STAFF BACK HOME.
THEY WANT ME TO DO IT.

I'VE GOT A GOOD STAFF BACK HOME.
THEY WANT ME TO DO IT.
SO, YOU KNOW, I GUESS I THINK I

THEY WANT ME TO DO IT.
SO, YOU KNOW, I GUESS I THINK I
COULD DO IT.

SO, YOU KNOW, I GUESS I THINK I
COULD DO IT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE FROM

COULD DO IT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE FROM
SOUTH DAKOTA ARE KNOWN AROUND

A LOT OF PEOPLE FROM
SOUTH DAKOTA ARE KNOWN AROUND
THE WORLD.

SOUTH DAKOTA ARE KNOWN AROUND
THE WORLD.
COULD YOU NAME ONE OR TWO OF

THE WORLD.
COULD YOU NAME ONE OR TWO OF
THEM?

COULD YOU NAME ONE OR TWO OF
THEM?
MY SECOND COUSIN IS THE

THEM?
MY SECOND COUSIN IS THE
GENERAL MANAGER OF THE

MY SECOND COUSIN IS THE
GENERAL MANAGER OF THE
LOS ANGELES RAMS.

GENERAL MANAGER OF THE
LOS ANGELES RAMS.
A GOOD DEMOCRATIC FRIEND OF MINE

LOS ANGELES RAMS.
A GOOD DEMOCRATIC FRIEND OF MINE
THAT RAN FOR GOVERNOR OF

A GOOD DEMOCRATIC FRIEND OF MINE
THAT RAN FOR GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA OWNS THE MIAMI

THAT RAN FOR GOVERNOR OF
SOUTH DAKOTA OWNS THE MIAMI
DOLPHINS.

SOUTH DAKOTA OWNS THE MIAMI
DOLPHINS.
OKAY, WELL, THAT'S TWO!

DOLPHINS.
OKAY, WELL, THAT'S TWO!
GEORGE McGOVERN RAN FOR

OKAY, WELL, THAT'S TWO!
GEORGE McGOVERN RAN FOR
PRESIDENT.

GEORGE McGOVERN RAN FOR
PRESIDENT.
OH, THERE'S THREE!

PRESIDENT.
OH, THERE'S THREE!
SO, THIS MIGHT BE MY CLAIM TO

OH, THERE'S THREE!
SO, THIS MIGHT BE MY CLAIM TO
FAME!

SO, THIS MIGHT BE MY CLAIM TO
FAME!
OKAY, GOVERNOR, THANK YOU

FAME!
OKAY, GOVERNOR, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

OKAY, GOVERNOR, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
THAT'S GOVERNOR KNEIP, WEARING

VERY MUCH.
THAT'S GOVERNOR KNEIP, WEARING
THE LETTER "A"!

THAT'S GOVERNOR KNEIP, WEARING
THE LETTER "A"!
[APPLAUSE]

THE LETTER "A"!
[APPLAUSE]
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'D

[APPLAUSE]
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET

NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET
CONNIE CRAWFORD, WEARING THE

LIKE YOU TO MEET
CONNIE CRAWFORD, WEARING THE
LETTER "B"!

CONNIE CRAWFORD, WEARING THE
LETTER "B"!
CONNIE, COME ON DOWN HERE.

LETTER "B"!
CONNIE, COME ON DOWN HERE.
[APPLAUSE]

CONNIE, COME ON DOWN HERE.
[APPLAUSE]
WHAT YEAR ARE YOU IN AT VASSAR,

[APPLAUSE]
WHAT YEAR ARE YOU IN AT VASSAR,
CONNIE?

WHAT YEAR ARE YOU IN AT VASSAR,
CONNIE?
I'M JUST A FRESHMAN.

CONNIE?
I'M JUST A FRESHMAN.
JUST A FRESHMAN, AND YET YOU

I'M JUST A FRESHMAN.
JUST A FRESHMAN, AND YET YOU
HAD THE NERVE TO COME DOWN HERE

JUST A FRESHMAN, AND YET YOU
HAD THE NERVE TO COME DOWN HERE
AND EXPOSE YOURSELF, SO TO

HAD THE NERVE TO COME DOWN HERE
AND EXPOSE YOURSELF, SO TO
SPEAK, TO THIS DEPRAVED

AND EXPOSE YOURSELF, SO TO
SPEAK, TO THIS DEPRAVED
AUDIENCE.

SPEAK, TO THIS DEPRAVED
AUDIENCE.
EXACTLY WHY DO YOU THINK THAT

AUDIENCE.
EXACTLY WHY DO YOU THINK THAT
YOU'RE BETTER QUALIFIED... OR

EXACTLY WHY DO YOU THINK THAT
YOU'RE BETTER QUALIFIED... OR
BEST QUALIFIED... TO HOST THE

YOU'RE BETTER QUALIFIED... OR
BEST QUALIFIED... TO HOST THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?

BEST QUALIFIED... TO HOST THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?
I'VE BEEN A GROUPIE FOR TWO

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?
I'VE BEEN A GROUPIE FOR TWO
YEARS!

I'VE BEEN A GROUPIE FOR TWO
YEARS!
OF THE SHOW OR JUST OF ANYONE

YEARS!
OF THE SHOW OR JUST OF ANYONE
IN GENERAL?

OF THE SHOW OR JUST OF ANYONE
IN GENERAL?
[LAUGHS]

IN GENERAL?
[LAUGHS]
THE SHOW, THIS SHOW, MOST

[LAUGHS]
THE SHOW, THIS SHOW, MOST
DEFINITELY.

THE SHOW, THIS SHOW, MOST
DEFINITELY.
I'M ONE OF THESE NAUSEATINGLY

DEFINITELY.
I'M ONE OF THESE NAUSEATINGLY
ENTHUSIASTIC-TYPE PEOPLE... YOU

I'M ONE OF THESE NAUSEATINGLY
ENTHUSIASTIC-TYPE PEOPLE... YOU
KNOW, GO FOR ALL THE GUSTO YOU

ENTHUSIASTIC-TYPE PEOPLE... YOU
KNOW, GO FOR ALL THE GUSTO YOU
CAN GET, THAT SORT OF THING.

KNOW, GO FOR ALL THE GUSTO YOU
CAN GET, THAT SORT OF THING.
SO, I'M IT.

CAN GET, THAT SORT OF THING.
SO, I'M IT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL

SO, I'M IT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL
TALENTS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL
TALENTS?
EVERYTHING!

TALENTS?
EVERYTHING!
OH, THAT IS SPECIAL.

EVERYTHING!
OH, THAT IS SPECIAL.
OKAY, CONNIE!

OH, THAT IS SPECIAL.
OKAY, CONNIE!
THANKS A LOT.

OKAY, CONNIE!
THANKS A LOT.
THANK YOU.

THANKS A LOT.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S CONNIE CRAWFORD.

THANK YOU.
THAT'S CONNIE CRAWFORD.
CONNIE CRAWFORD, WITH THE LETTER

THAT'S CONNIE CRAWFORD.
CONNIE CRAWFORD, WITH THE LETTER
"B"!

CONNIE CRAWFORD, WITH THE LETTER
"B"!
AND NOW THIRD, WEARING THE

"B"!
AND NOW THIRD, WEARING THE
LETTER "C," DAVID LEWIS, THE

AND NOW THIRD, WEARING THE
LETTER "C," DAVID LEWIS, THE
DROPOUT, THE UNEMPLOYED KID FROM

LETTER "C," DAVID LEWIS, THE
DROPOUT, THE UNEMPLOYED KID FROM
OREGON!

DROPOUT, THE UNEMPLOYED KID FROM
OREGON!
COME ON, DAVID!

OREGON!
COME ON, DAVID!
[APPLAUSE]

COME ON, DAVID!
[APPLAUSE]
CLEARLY, FROM THE SOUND OF THE

[APPLAUSE]
CLEARLY, FROM THE SOUND OF THE
APPLAUSE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF

CLEARLY, FROM THE SOUND OF THE
APPLAUSE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF
UNEMPLOYED DROPOUTS HERE.

APPLAUSE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF
UNEMPLOYED DROPOUTS HERE.
DAVID...

UNEMPLOYED DROPOUTS HERE.
DAVID...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAVID...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
DAVID, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
DAVID, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
THAT THIS KIND OF JOB... HOSTING

DAVID, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
THAT THIS KIND OF JOB... HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW... IS

THAT THIS KIND OF JOB... HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW... IS
RIGHT FOR YOU?

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW... IS
RIGHT FOR YOU?
WELL, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO

RIGHT FOR YOU?
WELL, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO
FEEL SORRY FOR ME BECAUSE I'M

WELL, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO
FEEL SORRY FOR ME BECAUSE I'M
UNEMPLOYED BECAUSE I HAVEN'T

FEEL SORRY FOR ME BECAUSE I'M
UNEMPLOYED BECAUSE I HAVEN'T
BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR THAT LONG.

UNEMPLOYED BECAUSE I HAVEN'T
BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR THAT LONG.
YOU SEE, UNTIL RECENTLY I WORKED

BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR THAT LONG.
YOU SEE, UNTIL RECENTLY I WORKED
AS AN INTERIOR DECORATOR IN A

YOU SEE, UNTIL RECENTLY I WORKED
AS AN INTERIOR DECORATOR IN A
TURKEY FARM.

AS AN INTERIOR DECORATOR IN A
TURKEY FARM.
AND, UH, I WAS GROSSLY

TURKEY FARM.
AND, UH, I WAS GROSSLY
UNDERPAID!

AND, UH, I WAS GROSSLY
UNDERPAID!
AND I WANTED TO ASK FOR A RAISE,

UNDERPAID!
AND I WANTED TO ASK FOR A RAISE,
BUT YOU SEE, THE BOSS, HE HAS

AND I WANTED TO ASK FOR A RAISE,
BUT YOU SEE, THE BOSS, HE HAS
THIS, UH, SPEECH IMPEDIMENT,

BUT YOU SEE, THE BOSS, HE HAS
THIS, UH, SPEECH IMPEDIMENT,
AND IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING TO

THIS, UH, SPEECH IMPEDIMENT,
AND IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING TO
TALK TO HIM.

AND IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING TO
TALK TO HIM.
BUT JUST THIS LAST WEEK, I

TALK TO HIM.
BUT JUST THIS LAST WEEK, I
COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.

BUT JUST THIS LAST WEEK, I
COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
SO, I WENT INTO HIS OFFICE, AND

COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
SO, I WENT INTO HIS OFFICE, AND
I LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE

SO, I WENT INTO HIS OFFICE, AND
I LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE
EYE, AND I SAID, "LOOK, YOU'RE

I LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE
EYE, AND I SAID, "LOOK, YOU'RE
GONNA GIVE ME A RAISE, OR I'M

EYE, AND I SAID, "LOOK, YOU'RE
GONNA GIVE ME A RAISE, OR I'M
GONNA HOST 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'"

GONNA GIVE ME A RAISE, OR I'M
GONNA HOST 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'"
AND HE GETS UP FROM HIS DESK,

GONNA HOST 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'"
AND HE GETS UP FROM HIS DESK,
AND I WAS SCARED.

AND HE GETS UP FROM HIS DESK,
AND I WAS SCARED.
HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE GOES...

AND I WAS SCARED.
HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE GOES...
[IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLING]

HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE GOES...
[IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLING]
OKAY, BACK TO YOUR POSITION,

[IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLING]
OKAY, BACK TO YOUR POSITION,
LETTER "C."

OKAY, BACK TO YOUR POSITION,
LETTER "C."
[APPLAUSE]

LETTER "C."
[APPLAUSE]
OBVIOUSLY, WE DIDN'T THROW ALL

[APPLAUSE]
OBVIOUSLY, WE DIDN'T THROW ALL
OF THE WEIRD LETTERS AWAY.

OBVIOUSLY, WE DIDN'T THROW ALL
OF THE WEIRD LETTERS AWAY.
THAT'S DAVID CRAWFORD...

OF THE WEIRD LETTERS AWAY.
THAT'S DAVID CRAWFORD...
UH, DAVID LEWIS, WEARING THE

THAT'S DAVID CRAWFORD...
UH, DAVID LEWIS, WEARING THE
LETTER "C."

UH, DAVID LEWIS, WEARING THE
LETTER "C."
AND NOW MEET DEB BLAIR, THE MOM

LETTER "C."
AND NOW MEET DEB BLAIR, THE MOM
FROM PEORIA!

AND NOW MEET DEB BLAIR, THE MOM
FROM PEORIA!
[APPLAUSE]

FROM PEORIA!
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, DEB.

[APPLAUSE]
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, DEB.
THANK YOU.

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, DEB.
THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.
WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL THIS WAY?

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.
WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL THIS WAY?
WHAT PROVOKED YOU TO WRITE THAT

WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL THIS WAY?
WHAT PROVOKED YOU TO WRITE THAT
CARD AND TELL US THAT YOU FEEL

WHAT PROVOKED YOU TO WRITE THAT
CARD AND TELL US THAT YOU FEEL
YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO HOST THE

CARD AND TELL US THAT YOU FEEL
YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO HOST THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?

YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO HOST THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?
WELL, I HAVE THREE SONS BACK

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW?
WELL, I HAVE THREE SONS BACK
HOME IN PEORIA... BILL, JODY,

WELL, I HAVE THREE SONS BACK
HOME IN PEORIA... BILL, JODY,
AND JONATHAN... AND THEY ONLY

HOME IN PEORIA... BILL, JODY,
AND JONATHAN... AND THEY ONLY
LISTEN TO PEOPLE ON TV.

AND JONATHAN... AND THEY ONLY
LISTEN TO PEOPLE ON TV.
SO, I THOUGHT IF I COULD HOST

LISTEN TO PEOPLE ON TV.
SO, I THOUGHT IF I COULD HOST
YOUR SHOW, MAYBE I COULD TELL

SO, I THOUGHT IF I COULD HOST
YOUR SHOW, MAYBE I COULD TELL
THEM SOMETHING.

YOUR SHOW, MAYBE I COULD TELL
THEM SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEM SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY.
THAT CERTAINLY MAKES A LOT OF

OKAY.
THAT CERTAINLY MAKES A LOT OF
SENSE.

THAT CERTAINLY MAKES A LOT OF
SENSE.
THAT'S DEB BLAIR, AND SHE'S

SENSE.
THAT'S DEB BLAIR, AND SHE'S
WEARING THE LETTER "D"!

THAT'S DEB BLAIR, AND SHE'S
WEARING THE LETTER "D"!
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WEARING THE LETTER "D"!
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LAST... CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LAST... CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...
WEARING THE LETTER "E"...

LAST... CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...
WEARING THE LETTER "E"...
REMEMBER THE LETTER "E"?

WEARING THE LETTER "E"...
REMEMBER THE LETTER "E"?
MRS. MISKEL SPILLMAN, OUR

REMEMBER THE LETTER "E"?
MRS. MISKEL SPILLMAN, OUR
GRANDMA!

MRS. MISKEL SPILLMAN, OUR
GRANDMA!
[APPLAUSE]

GRANDMA!
[APPLAUSE]
MRS. SPILLMAN, HAVE YOU EVER

[APPLAUSE]
MRS. SPILLMAN, HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN TO NEW YORK BEFORE?

MRS. SPILLMAN, HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN TO NEW YORK BEFORE?
NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN

BEEN TO NEW YORK BEFORE?
NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN
NEW YORK.

NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN
NEW YORK.
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN AN AIRPLANE.

NEW YORK.
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN AN AIRPLANE.
REALLY?

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN AN AIRPLANE.
REALLY?
WELL, THIS IS NEW YORK.

REALLY?
WELL, THIS IS NEW YORK.
THE AIRPLANE WAS THE THING THAT

WELL, THIS IS NEW YORK.
THE AIRPLANE WAS THE THING THAT
BROUGHT YOU HERE.

THE AIRPLANE WAS THE THING THAT
BROUGHT YOU HERE.
[LAUGHTER]

BROUGHT YOU HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK IT'S MARVELOUS.

[LAUGHTER]
I THINK IT'S MARVELOUS.
I THINK NEW YORK'S WONDERFUL.

I THINK IT'S MARVELOUS.
I THINK NEW YORK'S WONDERFUL.
WELL, WE THINK YOU'RE

I THINK NEW YORK'S WONDERFUL.
WELL, WE THINK YOU'RE
TERRIFIC TO COME HERE.

WELL, WE THINK YOU'RE
TERRIFIC TO COME HERE.
NOW, HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO WRITE

TERRIFIC TO COME HERE.
NOW, HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO WRITE
THAT STRANGE POSTCARD THAT LED

NOW, HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO WRITE
THAT STRANGE POSTCARD THAT LED
YOU TO THIS PLACE?

THAT STRANGE POSTCARD THAT LED
YOU TO THIS PLACE?
I LOVE EVERYONE IN THE CAST.

YOU TO THIS PLACE?
I LOVE EVERYONE IN THE CAST.
I WATCH IT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT.

I LOVE EVERYONE IN THE CAST.
I WATCH IT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT.
AND I THOUGHT, AS I AM 80 YEARS

I WATCH IT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT.
AND I THOUGHT, AS I AM 80 YEARS
OLD, I WANT A LOT OF OLD, OLD

AND I THOUGHT, AS I AM 80 YEARS
OLD, I WANT A LOT OF OLD, OLD
PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD TO

OLD, I WANT A LOT OF OLD, OLD
PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD TO
WATCH IT, TO GET THE THRILL THAT

PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD TO
WATCH IT, TO GET THE THRILL THAT
I HAVE EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT

WATCH IT, TO GET THE THRILL THAT
I HAVE EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT
WATCHING IT.

I HAVE EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT
WATCHING IT.
OKAY, FOLKS.

WATCHING IT.
OKAY, FOLKS.
YOU'VE HEARD IT FROM

OKAY, FOLKS.
YOU'VE HEARD IT FROM
MRS. SPILLMAN.

YOU'VE HEARD IT FROM
MRS. SPILLMAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MRS. SPILLMAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHE WANTS TO THRILL THOSE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHE WANTS TO THRILL THOSE
80-YEAR-OLDS.

SHE WANTS TO THRILL THOSE
80-YEAR-OLDS.
SO, DON'T FORGET!

80-YEAR-OLDS.
SO, DON'T FORGET!
NOW, YOU'RE GONNA SEE THESE

SO, DON'T FORGET!
NOW, YOU'RE GONNA SEE THESE
PEOPLE.

NOW, YOU'RE GONNA SEE THESE
PEOPLE.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE THESE FOLKS

PEOPLE.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE THESE FOLKS
THROUGHOUT THE SHOW, IN VARIOUS

YOU'RE GONNA SEE THESE FOLKS
THROUGHOUT THE SHOW, IN VARIOUS
PLACES, DOING VARIOUS BIZARRE

THROUGHOUT THE SHOW, IN VARIOUS
PLACES, DOING VARIOUS BIZARRE
THINGS.

PLACES, DOING VARIOUS BIZARRE
THINGS.
REMEMBER THE LETTERS?

THINGS.
REMEMBER THE LETTERS?
"A" IS THE GOV.

REMEMBER THE LETTERS?
"A" IS THE GOV.
"B" IS THE CO-ED.

"A" IS THE GOV.
"B" IS THE CO-ED.
"C" IS THE UNEMPLOYED KID.

"B" IS THE CO-ED.
"C" IS THE UNEMPLOYED KID.
"D" IS THE MOM.

"C" IS THE UNEMPLOYED KID.
"D" IS THE MOM.
AND "E" IS GRANNY.

"D" IS THE MOM.
AND "E" IS GRANNY.
PLEASE... DON PARDO, WILL YOU

AND "E" IS GRANNY.
PLEASE... DON PARDO, WILL YOU
TELL THE FOLKS AT HOME EXACTLY

PLEASE... DON PARDO, WILL YOU
TELL THE FOLKS AT HOME EXACTLY
WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH THEIR

TELL THE FOLKS AT HOME EXACTLY
WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH THEIR
BALLOT?

WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH THEIR
BALLOT?
Announcer: RIGHT, BUCK.

BALLOT?
Announcer: RIGHT, BUCK.
SEND YOUR TV GUIDE BALLOT, A

Announcer: RIGHT, BUCK.
SEND YOUR TV GUIDE BALLOT, A
POSTCARD WITH YOUR VOTE, TO...

ALL BALLOTS MUST BE POSTMARKED
BEFORE NOVEMBER 30th, AND YOU
MAY VOTE FOR ONLY ONE

BEFORE NOVEMBER 30th, AND YOU
MAY VOTE FOR ONLY ONE
CONTESTANT.

MAY VOTE FOR ONLY ONE
CONTESTANT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: JOHN BELUSHI IS ON

HIS WAY TO A GOLD MEDAL IN THE

DECATHLON.

THEY'RE SETTING THE BAR AT SEVEN

FEET.

HERE'S HIS APPROACH.

AND HE GOT IT!
BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD.
NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S

BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD.
NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S
RECORD.

NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S
RECORD.
HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE.

RECORD.
HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE.
THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.

HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE.
THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.
HE'S KICKING IT IN.

THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.
HE'S KICKING IT IN.
HE'S GOT IT!

HE'S KICKING IT IN.
HE'S GOT IT!
A SPECTACULAR TIME, A NEW

HE'S GOT IT!
A SPECTACULAR TIME, A NEW
WORLD'S RECORD.

A SPECTACULAR TIME, A NEW
WORLD'S RECORD.
UNBELIEVABLE.

WORLD'S RECORD.
UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT A DAY FOR JOHN BELUSHI.

I LOGGED A LOT OF MILES

TRAINING FOR THAT DAY, AND I

DOWNED A LOT OF DONUTS... LITTLE

CHOCOLATE DONUTS.

THEY TASTE GOOD, AND THEY'VE GOT

THE SUGAR I NEED TO GET ME GOING

IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S WHY LITTLE CHOCOLATE

DONUTS HAVE BEEN ON MY TRAINING

TABLE SINCE I WAS A KID.

LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS...

THE DONUTS OF CHAMPIONS.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, DOC, I'M STARTING
TO FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT
THINGS.

TO FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT
THINGS.
I'VE BEEN COMING TO SEE YOU

THINGS.
I'VE BEEN COMING TO SEE YOU
TWICE A WEEK FOR THREE YEARS

I'VE BEEN COMING TO SEE YOU
TWICE A WEEK FOR THREE YEARS
NOW, AND I FEEL THAT WE'VE MADE

TWICE A WEEK FOR THREE YEARS
NOW, AND I FEEL THAT WE'VE MADE
GREAT PROGRESS!

NOW, AND I FEEL THAT WE'VE MADE
GREAT PROGRESS!
THERE'S JUST A FEW MORE THINGS

GREAT PROGRESS!
THERE'S JUST A FEW MORE THINGS
THAT I'D LIKE YOU TO HELP ME

THERE'S JUST A FEW MORE THINGS
THAT I'D LIKE YOU TO HELP ME
CLEAR UP, AND I'M CONFIDENT THAT

THAT I'D LIKE YOU TO HELP ME
CLEAR UP, AND I'M CONFIDENT THAT
I'LL BE A NEW MAN.

CLEAR UP, AND I'M CONFIDENT THAT
I'LL BE A NEW MAN.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

I'LL BE A NEW MAN.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
[GRUNTS]

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
[GRUNTS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[GRUNTS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Announcer: AND NOW, ANOTHER

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Announcer: AND NOW, ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...

Announcer: AND NOW, ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...
[GONG BANGS]

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I KEEP HAVING THIS STRANGE
DREAM.

I KEEP HAVING THIS STRANGE
DREAM.
AND ODDLY ENOUGH, DOC, YOU'RE IN

DREAM.
AND ODDLY ENOUGH, DOC, YOU'RE IN
IT.

AND ODDLY ENOUGH, DOC, YOU'RE IN
IT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

IT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THAT?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THAT?
WHY SHOULD YOU BE IN MY DREAM?

HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THAT?
WHY SHOULD YOU BE IN MY DREAM?
[GRUNTS]

WHY SHOULD YOU BE IN MY DREAM?
[GRUNTS]
TRANSFERENCE! OH, YEAH!

[GRUNTS]
TRANSFERENCE! OH, YEAH!
YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

TRANSFERENCE! OH, YEAH!
YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
YOU'VE BECOME SORT OF AN

YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
YOU'VE BECOME SORT OF AN
AUTHORITY FIGURE TO ME, LIKE MY

YOU'VE BECOME SORT OF AN
AUTHORITY FIGURE TO ME, LIKE MY
FATHER.

AUTHORITY FIGURE TO ME, LIKE MY
FATHER.
AH!

FATHER.
AH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
AND AS STRANGE AS IT MAY

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
AND AS STRANGE AS IT MAY
SEEM, AT TIMES YOU'RE EVEN A

AND AS STRANGE AS IT MAY
SEEM, AT TIMES YOU'RE EVEN A
MOTHER FIGURE TO ME.

SEEM, AT TIMES YOU'RE EVEN A
MOTHER FIGURE TO ME.
OH!

MOTHER FIGURE TO ME.
OH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, WE'VE SPOKEN ABOUT

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, WE'VE SPOKEN ABOUT
MOTHER A NUMBER OF TIMES.

WELL, WE'VE SPOKEN ABOUT
MOTHER A NUMBER OF TIMES.
YEAH, I REALLY LOVE HER.

MOTHER A NUMBER OF TIMES.
YEAH, I REALLY LOVE HER.
AND THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL, IS IT,

YEAH, I REALLY LOVE HER.
AND THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL, IS IT,
DOC?

AND THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL, IS IT,
DOC?
I MEAN, SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE,

DOC?
I MEAN, SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE,
AND YOU TOLD ME THAT WAS

I MEAN, SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE,
AND YOU TOLD ME THAT WAS
PERFECTLY NORMAL.

AND YOU TOLD ME THAT WAS
PERFECTLY NORMAL.
THAT'S THE NORMAL OEDIPUS

PERFECTLY NORMAL.
THAT'S THE NORMAL OEDIPUS
COMPLEX?

THAT'S THE NORMAL OEDIPUS
COMPLEX?
[GROANS]

COMPLEX?
[GROANS]
NOW, YOU SAY THAT I LOVED MY

[GROANS]
NOW, YOU SAY THAT I LOVED MY
MOTHER, AND MY FATHER WAS

NOW, YOU SAY THAT I LOVED MY
MOTHER, AND MY FATHER WAS
JEALOUS OF THAT LOVE, WHICH

MOTHER, AND MY FATHER WAS
JEALOUS OF THAT LOVE, WHICH
LEADS TO... WHAT DID YOU CALL

JEALOUS OF THAT LOVE, WHICH
LEADS TO... WHAT DID YOU CALL
IT?

LEADS TO... WHAT DID YOU CALL
IT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

IT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
SAI!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
SAI!
OH, YES, THE CASTRATION

SAI!
OH, YES, THE CASTRATION
COMPLEX, YES.

OH, YES, THE CASTRATION
COMPLEX, YES.
BUT WHAT I'M WONDERING IS,

COMPLEX, YES.
BUT WHAT I'M WONDERING IS,
WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME NOW?

BUT WHAT I'M WONDERING IS,
WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME NOW?
I'M A GROWN MAN, I HAVE A GOOD

WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME NOW?
I'M A GROWN MAN, I HAVE A GOOD
JOB, BUT I'M STILL A MAMA'S BOY.

I'M A GROWN MAN, I HAVE A GOOD
JOB, BUT I'M STILL A MAMA'S BOY.
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO CUT THAT OLD

JOB, BUT I'M STILL A MAMA'S BOY.
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO CUT THAT OLD
UMBILICAL CORD.

SOMEHOW I HAVE TO CUT THAT OLD
UMBILICAL CORD.
[GRUNTS]

UMBILICAL CORD.
[GRUNTS]
OHH, NOW WAIT!

[GRUNTS]
OHH, NOW WAIT!
I CAN DO IT.

OHH, NOW WAIT!
I CAN DO IT.
I'M SURE I CAN WORK THAT ONE OUT

I CAN DO IT.
I'M SURE I CAN WORK THAT ONE OUT
ALONE.

I'M SURE I CAN WORK THAT ONE OUT
ALONE.
IT'S NOT THAT... THAT... THAT...

ALONE.
IT'S NOT THAT... THAT... THAT...
THAT DIFFICULT.

IT'S NOT THAT... THAT... THAT...
THAT DIFFICULT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER

THAT DIFFICULT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER
PROBLEM?

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER
PROBLEM?
IT'S RUINING MY LIFE.

PROBLEM?
IT'S RUINING MY LIFE.
I NEED ANSWERS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S RUINING MY LIFE.
I NEED ANSWERS, YOU KNOW?
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SEX

I NEED ANSWERS, YOU KNOW?
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SEX
ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SEX
ANYMORE.
THAT'S THE THING ABOUT YOU

ANYMORE.
THAT'S THE THING ABOUT YOU
STRICT FREUDIANS... EVERYTHING

THAT'S THE THING ABOUT YOU
STRICT FREUDIANS... EVERYTHING
IS BASED ON SEX!

STRICT FREUDIANS... EVERYTHING
IS BASED ON SEX!
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.

IS BASED ON SEX!
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.
I THINK THAT FREUD MUST HAVE

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.
I THINK THAT FREUD MUST HAVE
BEEN A REAL SICKO, 'CAUSE ALL HE

I THINK THAT FREUD MUST HAVE
BEEN A REAL SICKO, 'CAUSE ALL HE
EVER THOUGHT ABOUT WAS SEX.

BEEN A REAL SICKO, 'CAUSE ALL HE
EVER THOUGHT ABOUT WAS SEX.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

EVER THOUGHT ABOUT WAS SEX.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YEAH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
LET'S SEE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
LET'S SEE.
MM-HMM.

LET'S SEE.
MM-HMM.
SEX.

MM-HMM.
SEX.
OH, YES, SEX AND COCAINE.

SEX.
OH, YES, SEX AND COCAINE.
MM-HMM.

OH, YES, SEX AND COCAINE.
MM-HMM.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER

MM-HMM.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER
PROBLEM, DOC?

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER
PROBLEM, DOC?
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?

PROBLEM, DOC?
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
FREE ASSOCIATION?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
FREE ASSOCIATION?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

FREE ASSOCIATION?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, SURE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, SURE.
WE'VE DONE IT BEFORE, BUT I'LL

WELL, SURE.
WE'VE DONE IT BEFORE, BUT I'LL
TRY ANYTHING AT THIS POINT.

WE'VE DONE IT BEFORE, BUT I'LL
TRY ANYTHING AT THIS POINT.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

TRY ANYTHING AT THIS POINT.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WHITE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WHITE.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHITE.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
COLD.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
COLD.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

COLD.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WHAT WAS THAT?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WHAT WAS THAT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHAT WAS THAT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
DOWN.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
DOWN.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

DOWN.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
CAT.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
CAT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

CAT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
PRINCESS ANNE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
PRINCESS ANNE.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

PRINCESS ANNE.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU SAID...

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU SAID...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YOU SAID...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
"MOM," AND I ANSWERED

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
"MOM," AND I ANSWERED
"PRINCESS ANNE."

"MOM," AND I ANSWERED
"PRINCESS ANNE."
A LOGICAL RESPONSE TO...

"PRINCESS ANNE."
A LOGICAL RESPONSE TO...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

A LOGICAL RESPONSE TO...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
"MOM" WOULD HAVE BEEN

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
"MOM" WOULD HAVE BEEN
"DAD," BUT I SAID "PRINCESS

"MOM" WOULD HAVE BEEN
"DAD," BUT I SAID "PRINCESS
ANNE," WHICH WAS MY FATHER'S

"DAD," BUT I SAID "PRINCESS
ANNE," WHICH WAS MY FATHER'S
NICKNAME!

ANNE," WHICH WAS MY FATHER'S
NICKNAME!
SO, OF COURSE, IT'S REALLY A

NICKNAME!
SO, OF COURSE, IT'S REALLY A
FATHER PROBLEM I HAVE.

SO, OF COURSE, IT'S REALLY A
FATHER PROBLEM I HAVE.
THAT'S IT.

FATHER PROBLEM I HAVE.
THAT'S IT.
BUT, DOC, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

THAT'S IT.
BUT, DOC, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THIS EARLIER?

BUT, DOC, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THIS EARLIER?
I MEAN, IT'S SO OBVIOUS NOW.

THIS EARLIER?
I MEAN, IT'S SO OBVIOUS NOW.
AFTER THREE YEARS OF THERAPY, I

I MEAN, IT'S SO OBVIOUS NOW.
AFTER THREE YEARS OF THERAPY, I
HAVE NOW COME TO REALIZE THIS.

AFTER THREE YEARS OF THERAPY, I
HAVE NOW COME TO REALIZE THIS.
IT SEEMS TO ME YOU'VE WASTED MY

HAVE NOW COME TO REALIZE THIS.
IT SEEMS TO ME YOU'VE WASTED MY
TIME!

IT SEEMS TO ME YOU'VE WASTED MY
TIME!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

TIME!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MY TIME AND MY MONEY!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MY TIME AND MY MONEY!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MY TIME AND MY MONEY!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THINK YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THINK YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A
QUACK!

I THINK YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A
QUACK!
YES, A QUACK!

QUACK!
YES, A QUACK!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YES, A QUACK!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GRUNTS]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
OKAY, GO AHEAD WITH IT!

[GRUNTS]
OKAY, GO AHEAD WITH IT!
FOR THREE YEARS NOW, YOU'VE BEEN

OKAY, GO AHEAD WITH IT!
FOR THREE YEARS NOW, YOU'VE BEEN
THREATENING TO DO THIS, BUT THIS

FOR THREE YEARS NOW, YOU'VE BEEN
THREATENING TO DO THIS, BUT THIS
TIME I'M NOT GONNA STOP YOU!

THREATENING TO DO THIS, BUT THIS
TIME I'M NOT GONNA STOP YOU!
AND BESIDES, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

TIME I'M NOT GONNA STOP YOU!
AND BESIDES, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
THAT'S NOT EVEN A HARI-KARI

AND BESIDES, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
THAT'S NOT EVEN A HARI-KARI
KNIFE!

THAT'S NOT EVEN A HARI-KARI
KNIFE!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

KNIFE!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GROANS]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GROANS]
OH, DOC.

[GROANS]
OH, DOC.
[EXHALES]

OH, DOC.
[EXHALES]
[WHISTLES]

[EXHALES]
[WHISTLES]
[HIGH-PITCHED GROAN]

[WHISTLES]
[HIGH-PITCHED GROAN]
DOC, YOU DID IT.

[HIGH-PITCHED GROAN]
DOC, YOU DID IT.
YOU'RE NOT BLUFFING.

DOC, YOU DID IT.
YOU'RE NOT BLUFFING.
[HIGH-PITCHED GROAN]

YOU'RE NOT BLUFFING.
[HIGH-PITCHED GROAN]
I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLUFFING!

[HIGH-PITCHED GROAN]
I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLUFFING!
[GROANS]

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLUFFING!
[GROANS]
DOES IT REALLY HURT?

[GROANS]
DOES IT REALLY HURT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

DOES IT REALLY HURT?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
AAH! OHH! OHH!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
AAH! OHH! OHH!
AAH!

AAH! OHH! OHH!
AAH!
I DON'T WHAT TO THINK.

AAH!
I DON'T WHAT TO THINK.
DOC, DOC, I NEVER MEANT THIS

I DON'T WHAT TO THINK.
DOC, DOC, I NEVER MEANT THIS
TO HAPPEN.

DOC, DOC, I NEVER MEANT THIS
TO HAPPEN.
BELIEVE ME!

TO HAPPEN.
BELIEVE ME!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

BELIEVE ME!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS YOU'D

YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS YOU'D
LIKE TO SAY?

DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS YOU'D
LIKE TO SAY?
[GROANS]

LIKE TO SAY?
[GROANS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[GROANS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YES?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YES?
[GROANS]

YES?
[GROANS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[GROANS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GURGLING]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GURGLING]
[GROANS]

[GURGLING]
[GROANS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[GROANS]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HE SAID "LOSEBUD."

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HE SAID "LOSEBUD."
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN THE

HE SAID "LOSEBUD."
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN THE
LAST EPISODE OF...

Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN THE
LAST EPISODE OF...
[GONG BANGS]

OKAY, I KNOW THAT.
ALL RIGHT, GWEN, DARLING!
IN THIS SCENE, YOU ARE THE BORED

ALL RIGHT, GWEN, DARLING!
IN THIS SCENE, YOU ARE THE BORED
YOUNG MOTHER, OKAY?

IN THIS SCENE, YOU ARE THE BORED
YOUNG MOTHER, OKAY?
YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY AT HOME

YOUNG MOTHER, OKAY?
YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY AT HOME
WITH THE BABY, AND THEN WHEN

YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY AT HOME
WITH THE BABY, AND THEN WHEN
YOUR HUSBAND, MR. MONSTER OVER

WITH THE BABY, AND THEN WHEN
YOUR HUSBAND, MR. MONSTER OVER
HERE, COMES HOME, HE IGNORES

YOUR HUSBAND, MR. MONSTER OVER
HERE, COMES HOME, HE IGNORES
YOU, OKAY?

HERE, COMES HOME, HE IGNORES
YOU, OKAY?
IT'S DRIVING YOU NUTS!

YOU, OKAY?
IT'S DRIVING YOU NUTS!
AND YOU START HITTING THE OLD

IT'S DRIVING YOU NUTS!
AND YOU START HITTING THE OLD
JUICE A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?

AND YOU START HITTING THE OLD
JUICE A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?
[CHUCKLES]

JUICE A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?
[CHUCKLES]
KIND OF REMINDS ME OF MY OWN

[CHUCKLES]
KIND OF REMINDS ME OF MY OWN
HOME.

KIND OF REMINDS ME OF MY OWN
HOME.
[BOTH LAUGH]

HOME.
[BOTH LAUGH]
TERRIFIC.

[BOTH LAUGH]
TERRIFIC.
ALL RIGHT, HOWARD, IN THIS ONE,

TERRIFIC.
ALL RIGHT, HOWARD, IN THIS ONE,
YOU'RE THE PSYCHOPATHIC FATHER,

ALL RIGHT, HOWARD, IN THIS ONE,
YOU'RE THE PSYCHOPATHIC FATHER,
OKAY?

YOU'RE THE PSYCHOPATHIC FATHER,
OKAY?
YOU HATE YOUR JOB.

OKAY?
YOU HATE YOUR JOB.
YOU FEEL TRAPPED AT HOME, OKAY?

YOU HATE YOUR JOB.
YOU FEEL TRAPPED AT HOME, OKAY?
SO, WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU TAKE

YOU FEEL TRAPPED AT HOME, OKAY?
SO, WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU TAKE
IT OUT ON YOUR FRUSTRATED WIFE

SO, WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU TAKE
IT OUT ON YOUR FRUSTRATED WIFE
AND THE HELPLESS BABY.

IT OUT ON YOUR FRUSTRATED WIFE
AND THE HELPLESS BABY.
I GOTCHA, BRI.

AND THE HELPLESS BABY.
I GOTCHA, BRI.
I GOTCHA, PAL.

I GOTCHA, BRI.
I GOTCHA, PAL.
I KNEW YOU WOULD, BABE.

I GOTCHA, PAL.
I KNEW YOU WOULD, BABE.
WE'RE LUCKY HERE.

I KNEW YOU WOULD, BABE.
WE'RE LUCKY HERE.
WE HAVE A TERRIFIC BUNCH.

WE'RE LUCKY HERE.
WE HAVE A TERRIFIC BUNCH.
CAN WE HEAR IT?

WE HAVE A TERRIFIC BUNCH.
CAN WE HEAR IT?
TERRIFIC.

CAN WE HEAR IT?
TERRIFIC.
THANK YOU. OKAY, GOOD.

TERRIFIC.
THANK YOU. OKAY, GOOD.
NOW, TIMMY, YOU ARE THE UNWANTED

THANK YOU. OKAY, GOOD.
NOW, TIMMY, YOU ARE THE UNWANTED
INFANT, OKAY?

NOW, TIMMY, YOU ARE THE UNWANTED
INFANT, OKAY?
[GURGLING]

INFANT, OKAY?
[GURGLING]
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FED ALL DAY,

[GURGLING]
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FED ALL DAY,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FED ALL DAY,
ALL RIGHT?
NOW, WHAT HAPPENS?

ALL RIGHT?
NOW, WHAT HAPPENS?
YOUR MOM AND DAD COME HOME.

NOW, WHAT HAPPENS?
YOUR MOM AND DAD COME HOME.
THEY START FIGHTING.

YOUR MOM AND DAD COME HOME.
THEY START FIGHTING.
UH-HUH, YEAH.

THEY START FIGHTING.
UH-HUH, YEAH.
SO, YOU START CRYING, OKAY?

UH-HUH, YEAH.
SO, YOU START CRYING, OKAY?
CRY.

SO, YOU START CRYING, OKAY?
CRY.
[CRIES]

CRY.
[CRIES]
YEAH, BABY.

[CRIES]
YEAH, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.

YEAH, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.
OKAY, PLACES, EVERYBODY!

ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.
OKAY, PLACES, EVERYBODY!
LET'S GO, OKAY?

OKAY, PLACES, EVERYBODY!
LET'S GO, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT. ALAN?

LET'S GO, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT. ALAN?
OKAY, YOU GONNA ROLL IT FOR ME?

ALL RIGHT. ALAN?
OKAY, YOU GONNA ROLL IT FOR ME?
ALL RIGHT, ROLL 'EM.

OKAY, YOU GONNA ROLL IT FOR ME?
ALL RIGHT, ROLL 'EM.
MARK IT FOR ME, WILL YOU, TOM?

ALL RIGHT, ROLL 'EM.
MARK IT FOR ME, WILL YOU, TOM?
SCENE 12, TAKE 1!

MARK IT FOR ME, WILL YOU, TOM?
SCENE 12, TAKE 1!
AND WE'VE GOT SPEED.

SCENE 12, TAKE 1!
AND WE'VE GOT SPEED.
RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THREE MEN IN A

AND WE'VE GOT SPEED.
RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THREE MEN IN A
TUB!

RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THREE MEN IN A
TUB!
AND ACTION!

TUB!
AND ACTION!
[INDISTINCT SPEAKING ON TV]

AND ACTION!
[INDISTINCT SPEAKING ON TV]
I'M SICK OF WATCHING THE SAME

[INDISTINCT SPEAKING ON TV]
I'M SICK OF WATCHING THE SAME
OLD THING!

I'M SICK OF WATCHING THE SAME
OLD THING!
BE QUIET!

OLD THING!
BE QUIET!
CAN'T WE EVER GO AND SEE A

BE QUIET!
CAN'T WE EVER GO AND SEE A
MOVIE?

CAN'T WE EVER GO AND SEE A
MOVIE?
I SAID SHUT UP!

MOVIE?
I SAID SHUT UP!
WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE!

I SAID SHUT UP!
WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE!
I TOLD YOU WE CAN'T AFFORD A

WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE!
I TOLD YOU WE CAN'T AFFORD A
BABYSITTER!

I TOLD YOU WE CAN'T AFFORD A
BABYSITTER!
[BABY CRYING]

BABYSITTER!
[BABY CRYING]
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

[BABY CRYING]
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
CAN'T YOU SHUT THAT KID UP?

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
CAN'T YOU SHUT THAT KID UP?
I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!

CAN'T YOU SHUT THAT KID UP?
I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!

I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!
PUT THAT THING BACK ON!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!
PUT THAT THING BACK ON!
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED

PUT THAT THING BACK ON!
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED
YOU!

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED
YOU!
FOR ONCE YOU'VE SAID

YOU!
FOR ONCE YOU'VE SAID
SOMETHING THAT'S RIGHT!

FOR ONCE YOU'VE SAID
SOMETHING THAT'S RIGHT!
OH, YOU SHUT UP.

SOMETHING THAT'S RIGHT!
OH, YOU SHUT UP.
YOU LITTLE BRAT!

OH, YOU SHUT UP.
YOU LITTLE BRAT!
YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!

YOU LITTLE BRAT!
YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
CUT! CUT! CUT!

SHUT UP!
CUT! CUT! CUT!
GOOD, GOOD. OKAY.

CUT! CUT! CUT!
GOOD, GOOD. OKAY.
BRING IN THE STUNT BABY, OKAY?

GOOD, GOOD. OKAY.
BRING IN THE STUNT BABY, OKAY?
GWEN, THAT WAS SENSATIONAL!

BRING IN THE STUNT BABY, OKAY?
GWEN, THAT WAS SENSATIONAL!
PERFECT, HOWARD!

GWEN, THAT WAS SENSATIONAL!
PERFECT, HOWARD!
THANKS, BRI!

PERFECT, HOWARD!
THANKS, BRI!
THANK YOU!

THANKS, BRI!
THANK YOU!
CAN WE TAKE A LOOK?

THANK YOU!
CAN WE TAKE A LOOK?
OH, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT MATCH.

CAN WE TAKE A LOOK?
OH, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT MATCH.
THANK YOU, MAKEUP. THANK YOU.

OH, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT MATCH.
THANK YOU, MAKEUP. THANK YOU.
OKAY, TAKE HIM AWAY.

THANK YOU, MAKEUP. THANK YOU.
OKAY, TAKE HIM AWAY.
ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, TAKE HIM AWAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, SKIPPY, HOW YOU DOING,

ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, SKIPPY, HOW YOU DOING,
LITTLE TOUGH GUY?

OKAY, SKIPPY, HOW YOU DOING,
LITTLE TOUGH GUY?
[GURGLING]

LITTLE TOUGH GUY?
[GURGLING]
OKAY.

[GURGLING]
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, BABY, IN THIS SCENE,

OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, BABY, IN THIS SCENE,
YOU'RE CRYING, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, BABY, IN THIS SCENE,
YOU'RE CRYING, OKAY?
IT'S DRIVING HOWARD CRAZY.

YOU'RE CRYING, OKAY?
IT'S DRIVING HOWARD CRAZY.
THIS IS HOWARD, OKAY?

IT'S DRIVING HOWARD CRAZY.
THIS IS HOWARD, OKAY?
NOW, HOWARD'S GONNA SLUG YOU

THIS IS HOWARD, OKAY?
NOW, HOWARD'S GONNA SLUG YOU
THREE OR FOUR TIMES, OKAY?

NOW, HOWARD'S GONNA SLUG YOU
THREE OR FOUR TIMES, OKAY?
HE'S GONNA HIT YOU.

THREE OR FOUR TIMES, OKAY?
HE'S GONNA HIT YOU.
HE'S GONNA REALLY HIT YOU, OKAY?

HE'S GONNA HIT YOU.
HE'S GONNA REALLY HIT YOU, OKAY?
[GURGLING]

HE'S GONNA REALLY HIT YOU, OKAY?
[GURGLING]
YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING FAKIER

[GURGLING]
YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING FAKIER
THAN A BOGUS PUNCH, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING FAKIER
THAN A BOGUS PUNCH, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.

THAN A BOGUS PUNCH, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
THIS ISN'T A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE.

YEAH.
THIS ISN'T A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE.
RIGHT!

THIS ISN'T A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE.
RIGHT!
OKAY, NOW JUST ROLL WITH THE

RIGHT!
OKAY, NOW JUST ROLL WITH THE
PUNCHES.

OKAY, NOW JUST ROLL WITH THE
PUNCHES.
HE'LL ROUGH YOU UP A LITTLE BIT,

PUNCHES.
HE'LL ROUGH YOU UP A LITTLE BIT,
AND... OKAY.

HE'LL ROUGH YOU UP A LITTLE BIT,
AND... OKAY.
OH, AND DURING ALL OF THIS, YOU

AND... OKAY.
OH, AND DURING ALL OF THIS, YOU
SHOULD BE SCREAMING ALL THE

OH, AND DURING ALL OF THIS, YOU
SHOULD BE SCREAMING ALL THE
TIME, OKAY?

SHOULD BE SCREAMING ALL THE
TIME, OKAY?
CAN WE HEAR IT?

TIME, OKAY?
CAN WE HEAR IT?
[CRIES]

CAN WE HEAR IT?
[CRIES]
AW, COME ON, A LITTLE LOUDER!

[CRIES]
AW, COME ON, A LITTLE LOUDER!
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, SAVE IT FOR

AW, COME ON, A LITTLE LOUDER!
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, SAVE IT FOR
THE TAKE!

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, SAVE IT FOR
THE TAKE!
OKAY, GOOD, GOOD.

THE TAKE!
OKAY, GOOD, GOOD.
MR. TOUGH GUY HERE, MR. 12

OKAY, GOOD, GOOD.
MR. TOUGH GUY HERE, MR. 12
POUNDS, 2 OUNCES, YEAH!

MR. TOUGH GUY HERE, MR. 12
POUNDS, 2 OUNCES, YEAH!
OKAY, YOU GOT YOUR KNEEPADS ON?

POUNDS, 2 OUNCES, YEAH!
OKAY, YOU GOT YOUR KNEEPADS ON?
YOU GOT YOUR KNEEPADS ON?

OKAY, YOU GOT YOUR KNEEPADS ON?
YOU GOT YOUR KNEEPADS ON?
OKAY, WHEN WE FINISH, WE'RE

YOU GOT YOUR KNEEPADS ON?
OKAY, WHEN WE FINISH, WE'RE
BROKEN FOR THE DAY, OKAY?

OKAY, WHEN WE FINISH, WE'RE
BROKEN FOR THE DAY, OKAY?
NYAH NYAH NYAH!

BROKEN FOR THE DAY, OKAY?
NYAH NYAH NYAH!
OKAY, TOUGH GUY.

NYAH NYAH NYAH!
OKAY, TOUGH GUY.
OKAY, PLACES EVERYBODY!

OKAY, TOUGH GUY.
OKAY, PLACES EVERYBODY!
[CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY, PLACES EVERYBODY!
[CLEARS THROAT]
AND LET'S ROLL IT!

[CLEARS THROAT]
AND LET'S ROLL IT!
SCENE 13, TAKE 1.

AND LET'S ROLL IT!
SCENE 13, TAKE 1.
PERFECT MARK.

SCENE 13, TAKE 1.
PERFECT MARK.
OKAY, SETTLE IN EVERYBODY.

PERFECT MARK.
OKAY, SETTLE IN EVERYBODY.
AND...

OKAY, SETTLE IN EVERYBODY.
AND...
OKAY, SKIPPY, START CRYING!

AND...
OKAY, SKIPPY, START CRYING!
[CRIES]

OKAY, SKIPPY, START CRYING!
[CRIES]
ACTION!

[CRIES]
ACTION!
SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BRAT!

ACTION!
SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BRAT!
YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!

SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BRAT!
YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
[CRYING INTENSIFIES]

SHUT UP!
[CRYING INTENSIFIES]
SHUT UP, KID!

[GRUNTS]

OKAY, CUT!
I THINK THAT'S A KEEPER.
DON'T YOU, FELLAS?

I THINK THAT'S A KEEPER.
DON'T YOU, FELLAS?
NICE JOB, HOWARD!

DON'T YOU, FELLAS?
NICE JOB, HOWARD!
AW, THANKS.

NICE JOB, HOWARD!
AW, THANKS.
VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

AW, THANKS.
VERY NICE, VERY NICE.
HEY, ARE YOU OKAY, BACK THERE,

VERY NICE, VERY NICE.
HEY, ARE YOU OKAY, BACK THERE,
SKIPPY?

HEY, ARE YOU OKAY, BACK THERE,
SKIPPY?
HEY, SKIPPINSKI, WHERE ARE YOU,

SKIPPY?
HEY, SKIPPINSKI, WHERE ARE YOU,
FELLOW?

HEY, SKIPPINSKI, WHERE ARE YOU,
FELLOW?
ARE YOU OKAY?

FELLOW?
ARE YOU OKAY?
[GURGLING WEAKLY]

ARE YOU OKAY?
[GURGLING WEAKLY]
I THINK SOMEBODY BETTER, UH,

[GURGLING WEAKLY]
I THINK SOMEBODY BETTER, UH,
TAKE A LOOK AFTER SKIPPY, OKAY?

I THINK SOMEBODY BETTER, UH,
TAKE A LOOK AFTER SKIPPY, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, 8:30 CALL TOMORROW

TAKE A LOOK AFTER SKIPPY, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, 8:30 CALL TOMORROW
MORNING, EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT, 8:30 CALL TOMORROW
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE DOING THE BUFFALO

MORNING, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE DOING THE BUFFALO
STAMPEDE!

WE'RE DOING THE BUFFALO
STAMPEDE!
FABULOUS JOB, EVERYBODY!

STAMPEDE!
FABULOUS JOB, EVERYBODY!
HOWARD, LET'S WORK TOGETHER

FABULOUS JOB, EVERYBODY!
HOWARD, LET'S WORK TOGETHER
AGAIN.

HOWARD, LET'S WORK TOGETHER
AGAIN.
YOU ARE FABULOUS!

AGAIN.
YOU ARE FABULOUS!
YOU ARE FABULOUS!

YOU ARE FABULOUS!
YOU ARE FABULOUS!
YOU ARE FABULOUS!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE
ARE OVER 800,000 MOTELS IN
AMERICA?

ARE OVER 800,000 MOTELS IN
AMERICA?
AND DID YOU KNOW THAT "MOTEL"

AMERICA?
AND DID YOU KNOW THAT "MOTEL"
MEANS "SERVICE"?

AND DID YOU KNOW THAT "MOTEL"
MEANS "SERVICE"?
THAT MEANS THAT WE HAVE TO

MEANS "SERVICE"?
THAT MEANS THAT WE HAVE TO
SANITIZE OVER FIVE BILLION

THAT MEANS THAT WE HAVE TO
SANITIZE OVER FIVE BILLION
DRINKING GLASSES AND COMMODES A

SANITIZE OVER FIVE BILLION
DRINKING GLASSES AND COMMODES A
YEAR.

DRINKING GLASSES AND COMMODES A
YEAR.
HOW DO MOTEL GLASSES AND TOILET

YEAR.
HOW DO MOTEL GLASSES AND TOILET
SEATS EARN OUR

HOW DO MOTEL GLASSES AND TOILET
SEATS EARN OUR
SANITIZED-WRAPPER SEALS?

SEATS EARN OUR
SANITIZED-WRAPPER SEALS?
WATCH!

SANITIZED-WRAPPER SEALS?
WATCH!
SECONDS AFTER THE LAST GUEST HAS

WATCH!
SECONDS AFTER THE LAST GUEST HAS
CHECKED OUT OF HIS ROOM, A

SECONDS AFTER THE LAST GUEST HAS
CHECKED OUT OF HIS ROOM, A
SANI-MOBILE LAB UNIT LIKE THE

CHECKED OUT OF HIS ROOM, A
SANI-MOBILE LAB UNIT LIKE THE
ONE PICTURED HERE IS DISPATCHED

SANI-MOBILE LAB UNIT LIKE THE
ONE PICTURED HERE IS DISPATCHED
TO THE MOTEL REQUIRING

ONE PICTURED HERE IS DISPATCHED
TO THE MOTEL REQUIRING
SANITIZATION.

TO THE MOTEL REQUIRING
SANITIZATION.
OUR CRACK TEAM OF SANITIZATION

SANITIZATION.
OUR CRACK TEAM OF SANITIZATION
TECHNICIANS ARRIVES AT THE

OUR CRACK TEAM OF SANITIZATION
TECHNICIANS ARRIVES AT THE
MOTEL, ARMED WITH THE LATEST IN

TECHNICIANS ARRIVES AT THE
MOTEL, ARMED WITH THE LATEST IN
MODERN MOTEL-SANITIZATION

MOTEL, ARMED WITH THE LATEST IN
MODERN MOTEL-SANITIZATION
EQUIPMENT.

MODERN MOTEL-SANITIZATION
EQUIPMENT.
IMMEDIATELY, THEY VISIT THE

EQUIPMENT.
IMMEDIATELY, THEY VISIT THE
CONTAMINATED BATHROOM AND IGNITE

IMMEDIATELY, THEY VISIT THE
CONTAMINATED BATHROOM AND IGNITE
POWERFUL BUTY-OXY-ACETYLENE

CONTAMINATED BATHROOM AND IGNITE
POWERFUL BUTY-OXY-ACETYLENE
TORCHES, PROVIDING A POWERFUL

POWERFUL BUTY-OXY-ACETYLENE
TORCHES, PROVIDING A POWERFUL
GAS FLAME WHICH WAS DEVELOPED

TORCHES, PROVIDING A POWERFUL
GAS FLAME WHICH WAS DEVELOPED
DURING OUR VIETNAM CONFLICT.

GAS FLAME WHICH WAS DEVELOPED
DURING OUR VIETNAM CONFLICT.
SOON THEY'RE RAISING THE

DURING OUR VIETNAM CONFLICT.
SOON THEY'RE RAISING THE
TEMPERATURE OF ALL GLASS,

SOON THEY'RE RAISING THE
TEMPERATURE OF ALL GLASS,
CHROME, AND PORCELAIN TO A

TEMPERATURE OF ALL GLASS,
CHROME, AND PORCELAIN TO A
SCORCHING 1,500 DEGREES KELVIN.

CHROME, AND PORCELAIN TO A
SCORCHING 1,500 DEGREES KELVIN.
OHH, THAT'S ENOUGH TO DESTROY

SCORCHING 1,500 DEGREES KELVIN.
OHH, THAT'S ENOUGH TO DESTROY
ALL FUNGUS OR VIRAL LIFE FOR UP

OHH, THAT'S ENOUGH TO DESTROY
ALL FUNGUS OR VIRAL LIFE FOR UP
TO A THOUSAND HOURS.

ALL FUNGUS OR VIRAL LIFE FOR UP
TO A THOUSAND HOURS.
HEAT LIKE THAT NEEDS A SPECIAL,

TO A THOUSAND HOURS.
HEAT LIKE THAT NEEDS A SPECIAL,
HIGH-POWERED BATH COOLANT

HEAT LIKE THAT NEEDS A SPECIAL,
HIGH-POWERED BATH COOLANT
HOSE-DOWN OF SO2 DISINFECTANT

HIGH-POWERED BATH COOLANT
HOSE-DOWN OF SO2 DISINFECTANT
AND INDUSTRIAL PERFUMES TO MAKE

HOSE-DOWN OF SO2 DISINFECTANT
AND INDUSTRIAL PERFUMES TO MAKE
MOTEL BATHROOMS SPRINGTIME

AND INDUSTRIAL PERFUMES TO MAKE
MOTEL BATHROOMS SPRINGTIME
FRESH.

MOTEL BATHROOMS SPRINGTIME
FRESH.
NEXT, TRAINED EXPERTS FROM

FRESH.
NEXT, TRAINED EXPERTS FROM
INDEPENDENT CLINICAL

NEXT, TRAINED EXPERTS FROM
INDEPENDENT CLINICAL
LABORATORIES PERFORM A THOROUGH

INDEPENDENT CLINICAL
LABORATORIES PERFORM A THOROUGH
FINAL INSPECTION AFTER

LABORATORIES PERFORM A THOROUGH
FINAL INSPECTION AFTER
EXHAUSTING AND RIGOROUS TESTS.

FINAL INSPECTION AFTER
EXHAUSTING AND RIGOROUS TESTS.
WITH THE INSPECTORS' CLEARANCE

EXHAUSTING AND RIGOROUS TESTS.
WITH THE INSPECTORS' CLEARANCE
COMES THE REAL HEROINE OF OUR

WITH THE INSPECTORS' CLEARANCE
COMES THE REAL HEROINE OF OUR
STORY... A SKILLED MOTEL SERVICE

COMES THE REAL HEROINE OF OUR
STORY... A SKILLED MOTEL SERVICE
PERSON WHO EXECUTES THE

STORY... A SKILLED MOTEL SERVICE
PERSON WHO EXECUTES THE
LABORATORIES' DECISION WITH

PERSON WHO EXECUTES THE
LABORATORIES' DECISION WITH
EXPERIENCE AND MASTERY THAT ONLY

LABORATORIES' DECISION WITH
EXPERIENCE AND MASTERY THAT ONLY
COMES WITH YEARS OF

EXPERIENCE AND MASTERY THAT ONLY
COMES WITH YEARS OF
MOTEL-SERVICE EMPLOYMENT.

COMES WITH YEARS OF
MOTEL-SERVICE EMPLOYMENT.
THE JOB IS NEARLY DONE, THE

MOTEL-SERVICE EMPLOYMENT.
THE JOB IS NEARLY DONE, THE
WRAPPERS ARE IN PLACE, AND THIS

THE JOB IS NEARLY DONE, THE
WRAPPERS ARE IN PLACE, AND THIS
MOTEL BATHROOM IS AS PURE AND

WRAPPERS ARE IN PLACE, AND THIS
MOTEL BATHROOM IS AS PURE AND
ANTISEPTIC AS A PRIVATE

MOTEL BATHROOM IS AS PURE AND
ANTISEPTIC AS A PRIVATE
HOSPITAL.

ANTISEPTIC AS A PRIVATE
HOSPITAL.
THE ENTIRE CREW PROUDLY SALUTES

HOSPITAL.
THE ENTIRE CREW PROUDLY SALUTES
YOU, THE MOTEL GUEST, FOR

THE ENTIRE CREW PROUDLY SALUTES
YOU, THE MOTEL GUEST, FOR
MAKING THEIR WORK POSSIBLE.

YOU, THE MOTEL GUEST, FOR
MAKING THEIR WORK POSSIBLE.
SO, WHEN YOU BREAK THAT SEAL,

MAKING THEIR WORK POSSIBLE.
SO, WHEN YOU BREAK THAT SEAL,
YOU KNOW IT'S...

SO, WHEN YOU BREAK THAT SEAL,
YOU KNOW IT'S...
SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION.

AND NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, MR. LEON REDBONE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GENTLEMEN, MR. LEON REDBONE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE" PLAYS]

♪ I WENT TO SEE A YOUNG
LADY ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪

LADY ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ HAS SHOES AND STOCKINGS IN HER

♪ I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ HAS SHOES AND STOCKINGS IN HER
HAND AND HER FEET ALL OVER THE

♪ HAS SHOES AND STOCKINGS IN HER
HAND AND HER FEET ALL OVER THE
FLOOR ♪

HAND AND HER FEET ALL OVER THE
FLOOR ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

FLOOR ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS

BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪

♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO ♪

THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO ♪
♪ DA DA DUM ♪

♪ DO DEE DO ♪
♪ DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DO DEE DA DA DUM ♪

♪ DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DO DEE DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DOOOO ♪

♪ DO DEE DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DOOOO ♪
♪ I WENT DOWN TO LOUISVILLE ♪

♪ DOOOO ♪
♪ I WENT DOWN TO LOUISVILLE ♪
♪ I AIN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪

♪ I WENT DOWN TO LOUISVILLE ♪
♪ I AIN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ GOT KICKED ENOUGH BY A BIG,

♪ I AIN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ GOT KICKED ENOUGH BY A BIG,
FAT MULE AND I AIN'T GOING BACK

♪ GOT KICKED ENOUGH BY A BIG,
FAT MULE AND I AIN'T GOING BACK
NO MORE ♪

FAT MULE AND I AIN'T GOING BACK
NO MORE ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

NO MORE ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS

BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪

♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO ♪

THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO ♪
♪ BA DA DUM ♪

♪ DO DEE DO ♪
♪ BA DA DUM ♪
♪ DO DA DA DUM ♪

♪ BA DA DUM ♪
♪ DO DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DOOOO ♪

♪ DO DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DOOOO ♪
♪ I WENT TO SEE A LADY ♪

♪ DOOOO ♪
♪ I WENT TO SEE A LADY ♪
♪ I AIN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪

♪ I WENT TO SEE A LADY ♪
♪ I AIN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ SHE FED ME OUT OF AN OLD PIG'S

♪ I AIN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ SHE FED ME OUT OF AN OLD PIG'S
TROUGH AND I AIN'T GOING BACK NO

♪ SHE FED ME OUT OF AN OLD PIG'S
TROUGH AND I AIN'T GOING BACK NO
MORE ♪

TROUGH AND I AIN'T GOING BACK NO
MORE ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

MORE ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS

BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪

♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO ♪

THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO ♪
♪ BA DA DUM ♪

♪ DO DEE DO ♪
♪ BA DA DUM ♪
♪ DO DA DA DUM ♪

♪ BA DA DUM ♪
♪ DO DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DOOOO ♪

♪ DO DA DA DUM ♪
♪ DOOOO ♪
♪ I GOT DRUNK LAST NIGHT ♪

♪ DOOOO ♪
♪ I GOT DRUNK LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ AND ALL THE NIGHTS BEFORE ♪

♪ I GOT DRUNK LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ AND ALL THE NIGHTS BEFORE ♪
♪ I AIN'T GONNA GET DRUNK NO

♪ AND ALL THE NIGHTS BEFORE ♪
♪ I AIN'T GONNA GET DRUNK NO
MORE ♪

♪ I AIN'T GONNA GET DRUNK NO
MORE ♪
♪ AIN'T GONNA ♪

MORE ♪
♪ AIN'T GONNA ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

♪ AIN'T GONNA ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME ♪
♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪

♪ CHAMPAGNE CHARLIE IS MY NAME,
BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS

BY GOLLY ♪
♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪

♪ AND ROGUIN' AND STEALIN' IS
THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO DO DO ♪

THE GAME ♪
♪ DO DEE DO DO DO ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ DO DEE DO DO DO ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ DA DA DO DO DO ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ DA DA DO DO DO ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN!

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN!
I'M DAN AYKROYD.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN!
I'M DAN AYKROYD.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

I'M DAN AYKROYD.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ANWAR SADAT ARRIVED IN JERUSALEM

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ANWAR SADAT ARRIVED IN JERUSALEM
TODAY AND IMMEDIATELY WENT ON A

ANWAR SADAT ARRIVED IN JERUSALEM
TODAY AND IMMEDIATELY WENT ON A
SIGHTSEEING TOUR.

TODAY AND IMMEDIATELY WENT ON A
SIGHTSEEING TOUR.
IF HE HAS TIME, SADAT SAID HE

SIGHTSEEING TOUR.
IF HE HAS TIME, SADAT SAID HE
WILL ADDRESS THE KNESSET AND

IF HE HAS TIME, SADAT SAID HE
WILL ADDRESS THE KNESSET AND
MEET WITH MENACHEM BEGIN.

WILL ADDRESS THE KNESSET AND
MEET WITH MENACHEM BEGIN.
IF NOT, HE WILL FLY BACK TO

MEET WITH MENACHEM BEGIN.
IF NOT, HE WILL FLY BACK TO
EGYPT, WHICH HAS DECLARED WAR ON

IF NOT, HE WILL FLY BACK TO
EGYPT, WHICH HAS DECLARED WAR ON
ITSELF IN PROTEST OF HIS VISIT.

EGYPT, WHICH HAS DECLARED WAR ON
ITSELF IN PROTEST OF HIS VISIT.
PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER

ITSELF IN PROTEST OF HIS VISIT.
PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER
LILLIAN CARTER WAS ELECTROCUTED

PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER
LILLIAN CARTER WAS ELECTROCUTED
LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE TRIED TO

LILLIAN CARTER WAS ELECTROCUTED
LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE TRIED TO
CLIMB THE PROTECTIVE FENCE

LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE TRIED TO
CLIMB THE PROTECTIVE FENCE
AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.

CLIMB THE PROTECTIVE FENCE
AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.
SHE GOT A JOLT OF 15,000 VOLTS.

AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.
SHE GOT A JOLT OF 15,000 VOLTS.
PRESIDENT CARTER WAS EXTREMELY

SHE GOT A JOLT OF 15,000 VOLTS.
PRESIDENT CARTER WAS EXTREMELY
UPSET OVER THE INCIDENT, SAYING

PRESIDENT CARTER WAS EXTREMELY
UPSET OVER THE INCIDENT, SAYING
HE THOUGHT THE FENCE HAD BEEN

UPSET OVER THE INCIDENT, SAYING
HE THOUGHT THE FENCE HAD BEEN
TURNED OFF AS PART OF HIS

HE THOUGHT THE FENCE HAD BEEN
TURNED OFF AS PART OF HIS
ENERGY-SAVING PROGRAM.

TURNED OFF AS PART OF HIS
ENERGY-SAVING PROGRAM.
AND A BREAKTHROUGH IN

ENERGY-SAVING PROGRAM.
AND A BREAKTHROUGH IN
GENETICS... AT SLOAN-KETTERING

AND A BREAKTHROUGH IN
GENETICS... AT SLOAN-KETTERING
MEDICAL CENTER IN NEW YORK,

GENETICS... AT SLOAN-KETTERING
MEDICAL CENTER IN NEW YORK,
DOCTORS HAVE DISCOVERED THE

MEDICAL CENTER IN NEW YORK,
DOCTORS HAVE DISCOVERED THE
GENETIC MESSENGER THAT TELLS THE

DOCTORS HAVE DISCOVERED THE
GENETIC MESSENGER THAT TELLS THE
FETUS TO BECOME A BOY OR A GIRL.

GENETIC MESSENGER THAT TELLS THE
FETUS TO BECOME A BOY OR A GIRL.
"UPDATE" SCIENCE EDITOR

FETUS TO BECOME A BOY OR A GIRL.
"UPDATE" SCIENCE EDITOR
ARTHUR CHIRQUIN HAS GIVEN US A

"UPDATE" SCIENCE EDITOR
ARTHUR CHIRQUIN HAS GIVEN US A
GLIMPSE AS TO HOW THIS MESSENGER

ARTHUR CHIRQUIN HAS GIVEN US A
GLIMPSE AS TO HOW THIS MESSENGER
OPERATES.

GLIMPSE AS TO HOW THIS MESSENGER
OPERATES.
ACCORDING TO DR. CHIRQUIN, ALL

OPERATES.
ACCORDING TO DR. CHIRQUIN, ALL
FETUSES ARE BORN FEMALE.

ACCORDING TO DR. CHIRQUIN, ALL
FETUSES ARE BORN FEMALE.
THEY HAVE TWO "X" CHROMOSOMES.

FETUSES ARE BORN FEMALE.
THEY HAVE TWO "X" CHROMOSOMES.
ONLY IN THE PRESENCE OF THE "Y"

THEY HAVE TWO "X" CHROMOSOMES.
ONLY IN THE PRESENCE OF THE "Y"
CHROMOSOME, DELIVERED BY THE

ONLY IN THE PRESENCE OF THE "Y"
CHROMOSOME, DELIVERED BY THE
MESSENGER, DOES THE CHILD BECOME

CHROMOSOME, DELIVERED BY THE
MESSENGER, DOES THE CHILD BECOME
A MALE.

MESSENGER, DOES THE CHILD BECOME
A MALE.
WITH THE GENETICALLY CODED

A MALE.
WITH THE GENETICALLY CODED
MESSAGE IN HAND, HE SPEEDS

WITH THE GENETICALLY CODED
MESSAGE IN HAND, HE SPEEDS
TOWARD THE OVUM AND THE SPERM,

MESSAGE IN HAND, HE SPEEDS
TOWARD THE OVUM AND THE SPERM,
TO THE POINT OF CONCEPTION.

TOWARD THE OVUM AND THE SPERM,
TO THE POINT OF CONCEPTION.
HERE HE MUST PROVE TO BE A SWIFT

TO THE POINT OF CONCEPTION.
HERE HE MUST PROVE TO BE A SWIFT
MESSENGER, FOR IF HE'S TARDY,

HERE HE MUST PROVE TO BE A SWIFT
MESSENGER, FOR IF HE'S TARDY,
THE CHILD WILL REMAIN FEMALE.

MESSENGER, FOR IF HE'S TARDY,
THE CHILD WILL REMAIN FEMALE.
AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON DOES

THE CHILD WILL REMAIN FEMALE.
AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON DOES
HE APPROACH HIS DESTINATION AND

AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON DOES
HE APPROACH HIS DESTINATION AND
DISCREETLY DELIVERS THE "Y"

HE APPROACH HIS DESTINATION AND
DISCREETLY DELIVERS THE "Y"
CHROMOSOME TO THE EXPECTANT

DISCREETLY DELIVERS THE "Y"
CHROMOSOME TO THE EXPECTANT
COUPLE.

CHROMOSOME TO THE EXPECTANT
COUPLE.
DID HE MAKE IT IN TIME?

COUPLE.
DID HE MAKE IT IN TIME?
YES!

DID HE MAKE IT IN TIME?
YES!
IT'S A BOY!

YES!
IT'S A BOY!
[LAUGHS]

IT'S A BOY!
[LAUGHS]
THANKS!

[LAUGHS]
THANKS!
THAT'S WONDERFUL!

THANKS!
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
CONGRATULATIONS, JANE.

THAT'S WONDERFUL!
CONGRATULATIONS, JANE.
OH, THANK YOU, DAN.

CONGRATULATIONS, JANE.
OH, THANK YOU, DAN.
THANKS. THANKS A LOT.

OH, THANK YOU, DAN.
THANKS. THANKS A LOT.
I... I...

THANKS. THANKS A LOT.
I... I...
I KIND OF FEEL TOUCHED, EVEN

I... I...
I KIND OF FEEL TOUCHED, EVEN
THOUGH IT WAS JUST A STORY

I KIND OF FEEL TOUCHED, EVEN
THOUGH IT WAS JUST A STORY
AND...

THOUGH IT WAS JUST A STORY
AND...
WELL, IT WAS AN EASY BIRTH,

AND...
WELL, IT WAS AN EASY BIRTH,
DAN.

WELL, IT WAS AN EASY BIRTH,
DAN.
YEAH.

DAN.
YEAH.
THE FAMILY OF MISSING

YEAH.
THE FAMILY OF MISSING
TEAMSTER BOSS JIMMY HOFFA HAS

THE FAMILY OF MISSING
TEAMSTER BOSS JIMMY HOFFA HAS
SEEN THE FILM "STAR WARS" 36

TEAMSTER BOSS JIMMY HOFFA HAS
SEEN THE FILM "STAR WARS" 36
TIMES, AND THIS WEEK A FAMILY

SEEN THE FILM "STAR WARS" 36
TIMES, AND THIS WEEK A FAMILY
SPOKESPERSON SAYS THAT THEY

TIMES, AND THIS WEEK A FAMILY
SPOKESPERSON SAYS THAT THEY
BELIEVE THAT THE LITTLE ROBOT,

SPOKESPERSON SAYS THAT THEY
BELIEVE THAT THE LITTLE ROBOT,
R2-D2, IS ACTUALLY HOFFA.

BELIEVE THAT THE LITTLE ROBOT,
R2-D2, IS ACTUALLY HOFFA.
THE FAMILY RECOGNIZED CERTAIN

R2-D2, IS ACTUALLY HOFFA.
THE FAMILY RECOGNIZED CERTAIN
MANNERISMS, INCLUDING THE WALK,

THE FAMILY RECOGNIZED CERTAIN
MANNERISMS, INCLUDING THE WALK,
HEAD GESTURES, AND ESPECIALLY

MANNERISMS, INCLUDING THE WALK,
HEAD GESTURES, AND ESPECIALLY
VOCAL SOUNDS, WHICH THEY SAY ARE

HEAD GESTURES, AND ESPECIALLY
VOCAL SOUNDS, WHICH THEY SAY ARE
STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO BUZZES AND

VOCAL SOUNDS, WHICH THEY SAY ARE
STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO BUZZES AND
CLICKS HOFFA USED TO MAKE WHILE

STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO BUZZES AND
CLICKS HOFFA USED TO MAKE WHILE
EATING.

CLICKS HOFFA USED TO MAKE WHILE
EATING.
MOTORCYCLE DAREDEVIL

EATING.
MOTORCYCLE DAREDEVIL
EVEL KNIEVEL WAS SENTENCED TO

MOTORCYCLE DAREDEVIL
EVEL KNIEVEL WAS SENTENCED TO
SPEND HIS NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS IN

EVEL KNIEVEL WAS SENTENCED TO
SPEND HIS NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS IN
PRISON FOR ASSAULTING A MAN WITH

SPEND HIS NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS IN
PRISON FOR ASSAULTING A MAN WITH
A BASEBALL BAT.

PRISON FOR ASSAULTING A MAN WITH
A BASEBALL BAT.
WHEN ASKED IF HE WAS SORRY ABOUT

A BASEBALL BAT.
WHEN ASKED IF HE WAS SORRY ABOUT
THE ATTACK, KNIEVEL SAID THAT HE

WHEN ASKED IF HE WAS SORRY ABOUT
THE ATTACK, KNIEVEL SAID THAT HE
WASN'T AND THAT HE WAS PREPARING

THE ATTACK, KNIEVEL SAID THAT HE
WASN'T AND THAT HE WAS PREPARING
HIMSELF FOR HIS NEXT STUNT, IN

WASN'T AND THAT HE WAS PREPARING
HIMSELF FOR HIS NEXT STUNT, IN
WHICH HE WILL ATTEMPT TO JUMP

HIMSELF FOR HIS NEXT STUNT, IN
WHICH HE WILL ATTEMPT TO JUMP
BAIL.

WHICH HE WILL ATTEMPT TO JUMP
BAIL.
WELL, IN SPITE OF SADAT'S VISIT

BAIL.
WELL, IN SPITE OF SADAT'S VISIT
TO EGYPT, THE MOST IMPORTANT

WELL, IN SPITE OF SADAT'S VISIT
TO EGYPT, THE MOST IMPORTANT
STORY TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY

TO EGYPT, THE MOST IMPORTANT
STORY TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY
"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" "ANYONE CAN

STORY TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY
"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" "ANYONE CAN
HOST" CONTEST.

"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" "ANYONE CAN
HOST" CONTEST.
AND CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN

HOST" CONTEST.
AND CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN
IS HERE WITH THE FIVE FINALISTS.

AND CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN
IS HERE WITH THE FIVE FINALISTS.
LARAINE?

IS HERE WITH THE FIVE FINALISTS.
LARAINE?
WELL, JANE, WE'RE ALMOST

LARAINE?
WELL, JANE, WE'RE ALMOST
HALFWAY THROUGH WITH THIS WEEK'S

WELL, JANE, WE'RE ALMOST
HALFWAY THROUGH WITH THIS WEEK'S
SHOW, AND I HAVE HERE THE FIVE

HALFWAY THROUGH WITH THIS WEEK'S
SHOW, AND I HAVE HERE THE FIVE
"ANYONE CAN HOST" FINALISTS.

SHOW, AND I HAVE HERE THE FIVE
"ANYONE CAN HOST" FINALISTS.
GOVERNOR, HAS THE SHOW BEEN

"ANYONE CAN HOST" FINALISTS.
GOVERNOR, HAS THE SHOW BEEN
DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU HAD

GOVERNOR, HAS THE SHOW BEEN
DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU HAD
EXPECTED?

DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU HAD
EXPECTED?
WELL, I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD A

EXPECTED?
WELL, I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD A
CHANCE TO SAY MUCH, AND I WOULD

WELL, I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD A
CHANCE TO SAY MUCH, AND I WOULD
LIKE TO GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT...

CHANCE TO SAY MUCH, AND I WOULD
LIKE TO GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT...
WELL, THANK YOU, GOVERNOR.

LIKE TO GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT...
WELL, THANK YOU, GOVERNOR.
NOW, CONNIE, THE CO-ED, DO YOU

WELL, THANK YOU, GOVERNOR.
NOW, CONNIE, THE CO-ED, DO YOU
THINK YOU HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE

NOW, CONNIE, THE CO-ED, DO YOU
THINK YOU HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE
OF WINNING?

THINK YOU HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE
OF WINNING?
I DON'T KNOW.

OF WINNING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH, AND I

I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH, AND I
REALLY WANT TO SHOW MORE OF MY

I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH, AND I
REALLY WANT TO SHOW MORE OF MY
TALENT!

REALLY WANT TO SHOW MORE OF MY
TALENT!
OKAY.

TALENT!
OKAY.
WELL, DEAR, WE WILL.

OKAY.
WELL, DEAR, WE WILL.
NOW, DAVE, THE UNEMPLOYED GUY

WELL, DEAR, WE WILL.
NOW, DAVE, THE UNEMPLOYED GUY
FROM OREGON, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE

NOW, DAVE, THE UNEMPLOYED GUY
FROM OREGON, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
SOME PLANS FOR THAT $3,000.

FROM OREGON, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
SOME PLANS FOR THAT $3,000.
WELL, YEAH, I THINK I'LL GET

SOME PLANS FOR THAT $3,000.
WELL, YEAH, I THINK I'LL GET
A CAR, UH, GET A NICE APARTMENT

WELL, YEAH, I THINK I'LL GET
A CAR, UH, GET A NICE APARTMENT
HERE IN NEW YORK, LIVE IT UP FOR

A CAR, UH, GET A NICE APARTMENT
HERE IN NEW YORK, LIVE IT UP FOR
A YEAR, AND WITH WHATEVER'S LEFT

HERE IN NEW YORK, LIVE IT UP FOR
A YEAR, AND WITH WHATEVER'S LEFT
OVER, I THINK I'LL BUY SAVINGS

A YEAR, AND WITH WHATEVER'S LEFT
OVER, I THINK I'LL BUY SAVINGS
BONDS.

OVER, I THINK I'LL BUY SAVINGS
BONDS.
OKAY.

BONDS.
OKAY.
NOW, DEB, THE MOTHER FROM

OKAY.
NOW, DEB, THE MOTHER FROM
PEORIA, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE

NOW, DEB, THE MOTHER FROM
PEORIA, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOUR THREE

PEORIA, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOUR THREE
SONS OUT THERE AT HOME.

SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOUR THREE
SONS OUT THERE AT HOME.
OH, YES, I SURE DO.

SONS OUT THERE AT HOME.
OH, YES, I SURE DO.
BOYS, I JUST WANTED TO TELL

OH, YES, I SURE DO.
BOYS, I JUST WANTED TO TELL
YOU...

BOYS, I JUST WANTED TO TELL
YOU...
THANK YOU, MRS. SPILLMAN.

YOU...
THANK YOU, MRS. SPILLMAN.
NOW, MRS. SPILLMAN, UH, YOU'RE

THANK YOU, MRS. SPILLMAN.
NOW, MRS. SPILLMAN, UH, YOU'RE
OLD.

NOW, MRS. SPILLMAN, UH, YOU'RE
OLD.
I'M OLD.

OLD.
I'M OLD.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?

I'M OLD.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
TIRED.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?
TIRED.
OKAY.

TIRED.
OKAY.
THERE YOU HAVE IT... OUR FIVE

OKAY.
THERE YOU HAVE IT... OUR FIVE
FINALISTS, IN DEPTH.

THERE YOU HAVE IT... OUR FIVE
FINALISTS, IN DEPTH.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL.

FINALISTS, IN DEPTH.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.
THIS JUST IN... THE SURGEON

BACK TO YOU, JANE.
THIS JUST IN... THE SURGEON
GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT

THIS JUST IN... THE SURGEON
GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT
WARNINGS ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR

GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT
WARNINGS ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR
HEALTH.

WARNINGS ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR
HEALTH.
A SIDELINE TO THE

HEALTH.
A SIDELINE TO THE
SADAT/ISRAEL-VISIT STORY...

A SIDELINE TO THE
SADAT/ISRAEL-VISIT STORY...
ABOARD THE EGYPTIAN LEADER'S

SADAT/ISRAEL-VISIT STORY...
ABOARD THE EGYPTIAN LEADER'S
PLANE TODAY WERE SOME OF THE

ABOARD THE EGYPTIAN LEADER'S
PLANE TODAY WERE SOME OF THE
WORLD'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS

PLANE TODAY WERE SOME OF THE
WORLD'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS
JOURNALISTS, INCLUDING NBC's

WORLD'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS
JOURNALISTS, INCLUDING NBC's
JOHN CHANCELLOR, CBS's

JOURNALISTS, INCLUDING NBC's
JOHN CHANCELLOR, CBS's
WALTER CRONKITE AND

JOHN CHANCELLOR, CBS's
WALTER CRONKITE AND
SCREW MAGAZINE'S AL GOLDSTEIN.

WALTER CRONKITE AND
SCREW MAGAZINE'S AL GOLDSTEIN.
AND I BELIEVE ALSO IN

SCREW MAGAZINE'S AL GOLDSTEIN.
AND I BELIEVE ALSO IN
ATTENDANCE WAS BABA WAWA,

AND I BELIEVE ALSO IN
ATTENDANCE WAS BABA WAWA,
"WEEKEND UPDATE'S" BABA WAWA.

ATTENDANCE WAS BABA WAWA,
"WEEKEND UPDATE'S" BABA WAWA.
SHE HAS A SPECIAL REPORT, I

"WEEKEND UPDATE'S" BABA WAWA.
SHE HAS A SPECIAL REPORT, I
UNDERSTAND, FROM ISRAEL.

SHE HAS A SPECIAL REPORT, I
UNDERSTAND, FROM ISRAEL.
THAT'S RIGHT, DAN, AND I

UNDERSTAND, FROM ISRAEL.
THAT'S RIGHT, DAN, AND I
THINK SHE'S WITH US NOW.

THAT'S RIGHT, DAN, AND I
THINK SHE'S WITH US NOW.
BABA, CAN YOU HEAR US OKAY

THINK SHE'S WITH US NOW.
BABA, CAN YOU HEAR US OKAY
THERE?

BABA, CAN YOU HEAR US OKAY
THERE?
BABA?

THERE?
BABA?
CAN YOU HEAR US, BABA?

BABA?
CAN YOU HEAR US, BABA?
UH, HEWWO EVEWYBODY.

CAN YOU HEAR US, BABA?
UH, HEWWO EVEWYBODY.
HEWE I AM IN JEWUSAWEM.

UH, HEWWO EVEWYBODY.
HEWE I AM IN JEWUSAWEM.
BABA, WHAT IS THE SITUATION

HEWE I AM IN JEWUSAWEM.
BABA, WHAT IS THE SITUATION
THERE?

BABA, WHAT IS THE SITUATION
THERE?
OH, THEY'RE TWEATING ME

THERE?
OH, THEY'RE TWEATING ME
TEWWIFICAWWY!

OH, THEY'RE TWEATING ME
TEWWIFICAWWY!
I FWEW FIRST-CWASS, AND THEY PUT

TEWWIFICAWWY!
I FWEW FIRST-CWASS, AND THEY PUT
ME UP IN THE JEWUSAWEM

I FWEW FIRST-CWASS, AND THEY PUT
ME UP IN THE JEWUSAWEM
HOWIDAY INN...

ME UP IN THE JEWUSAWEM
HOWIDAY INN...
ONWY HERE THEY CAWW IT THE HIGH

HOWIDAY INN...
ONWY HERE THEY CAWW IT THE HIGH
HOWIDAY INN!

ONWY HERE THEY CAWW IT THE HIGH
HOWIDAY INN!
[LAUGHS]

HOWIDAY INN!
[LAUGHS]
THAT'S A WITTEW ISWAEWI JOKE.

[LAUGHS]
THAT'S A WITTEW ISWAEWI JOKE.
BABA, WE UNDERSTAND FROM OUR

THAT'S A WITTEW ISWAEWI JOKE.
BABA, WE UNDERSTAND FROM OUR
SOURCES THAT SECURITY IS A MAJOR

BABA, WE UNDERSTAND FROM OUR
SOURCES THAT SECURITY IS A MAJOR
CONCERN THERE.

SOURCES THAT SECURITY IS A MAJOR
CONCERN THERE.
IS THIS TRUE?

CONCERN THERE.
IS THIS TRUE?
OH, ABSOWUTEWY TWUE, DAN!

IS THIS TRUE?
OH, ABSOWUTEWY TWUE, DAN!
I HAVE A DOUBEW WOCK FOR

OH, ABSOWUTEWY TWUE, DAN!
I HAVE A DOUBEW WOCK FOR
PWOTECTION ON MY DOEW.

I HAVE A DOUBEW WOCK FOR
PWOTECTION ON MY DOEW.
BABA, HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO ANY

PWOTECTION ON MY DOEW.
BABA, HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO ANY
OF THE OTHER DIGNITARIES THAT

BABA, HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO ANY
OF THE OTHER DIGNITARIES THAT
ARE THERE, LIKE MOSHE DAYAN,

OF THE OTHER DIGNITARIES THAT
ARE THERE, LIKE MOSHE DAYAN,
ABBA EBAN, GOLDA MEIR?

ARE THERE, LIKE MOSHE DAYAN,
ABBA EBAN, GOLDA MEIR?
OH, JANE, I DID BETTER THAN

ABBA EBAN, GOLDA MEIR?
OH, JANE, I DID BETTER THAN
THAT!

OH, JANE, I DID BETTER THAN
THAT!
REALLY? WHO?

THAT!
REALLY? WHO?
I HAD WUNCH WITH OMAW SHAWIF!

REALLY? WHO?
I HAD WUNCH WITH OMAW SHAWIF!
AND WE HAVE A WENDEZVOUS

I HAD WUNCH WITH OMAW SHAWIF!
AND WE HAVE A WENDEZVOUS
TOMOWWOW TO PWAY BWIDGE!

AND WE HAVE A WENDEZVOUS
TOMOWWOW TO PWAY BWIDGE!
UH...

TOMOWWOW TO PWAY BWIDGE!
UH...
HEWWO?

UH...
HEWWO?
HEWWO?

HEWWO?
HEWWO?
HELLO, BABA?

HEWWO?
HELLO, BABA?
WIGHT.

HELLO, BABA?
WIGHT.
YES, UH, BABA, MANY PEOPLE

WIGHT.
YES, UH, BABA, MANY PEOPLE
FEEL, IN THE PRESS, THAT SADAT

YES, UH, BABA, MANY PEOPLE
FEEL, IN THE PRESS, THAT SADAT
MUST RETURN TO EGYPT WITH

FEEL, IN THE PRESS, THAT SADAT
MUST RETURN TO EGYPT WITH
SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL.

MUST RETURN TO EGYPT WITH
SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS CHANCES

SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS CHANCES
ARE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS CHANCES
ARE?
EXCEWWENT.

ARE?
EXCEWWENT.
THEY'S A WOVEWY WITTLE GIFT SHOP

EXCEWWENT.
THEY'S A WOVEWY WITTLE GIFT SHOP
IN THE HOTEW WOBBY, WHERE YOU

THEY'S A WOVEWY WITTLE GIFT SHOP
IN THE HOTEW WOBBY, WHERE YOU
CAN BUY WOTS OF MEMOWABIWIA.

IN THE HOTEW WOBBY, WHERE YOU
CAN BUY WOTS OF MEMOWABIWIA.
BABA, ARE YOU GOING TO COVER

CAN BUY WOTS OF MEMOWABIWIA.
BABA, ARE YOU GOING TO COVER
SADAT'S ADDRESS TO THE KNESSET

BABA, ARE YOU GOING TO COVER
SADAT'S ADDRESS TO THE KNESSET
TOMORROW?

SADAT'S ADDRESS TO THE KNESSET
TOMORROW?
OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

TOMORROW?
OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
TOMOWWOW I HAVE TO FWY TO PAWIS

OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
TOMOWWOW I HAVE TO FWY TO PAWIS
TO INTERVIEW WEE WADZIWILL.

TOMOWWOW I HAVE TO FWY TO PAWIS
TO INTERVIEW WEE WADZIWILL.
SO, DAN AND JANE, AS THEY SAY IN

TO INTERVIEW WEE WADZIWILL.
SO, DAN AND JANE, AS THEY SAY IN
ISWAEL... SHAWOM!

SO, DAN AND JANE, AS THEY SAY IN
ISWAEL... SHAWOM!
WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS

ISWAEL... SHAWOM!
WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS
TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS
TONIGHT.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

TONIGHT.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA

IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A

NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
CENTURY!

[SLOW CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[Russian accent] I WONDER
HOW MUCH LONGER.
IT SEEMS LIKE WE'LL NEVER GET TO

HOW MUCH LONGER.
IT SEEMS LIKE WE'LL NEVER GET TO
KIEV.

IT SEEMS LIKE WE'LL NEVER GET TO
KIEV.
I HAVEN'T SEEN MY SISTER, SONYA,

KIEV.
I HAVEN'T SEEN MY SISTER, SONYA,
SINCE THE BOLSHEVIKS TOOK OVER.

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY SISTER, SONYA,
SINCE THE BOLSHEVIKS TOOK OVER.
CAN'T THIS TRAIN GO ANY FASTER?

SINCE THE BOLSHEVIKS TOOK OVER.
CAN'T THIS TRAIN GO ANY FASTER?
TIME MOVES SLOWLY WHEN YOU ARE

CAN'T THIS TRAIN GO ANY FASTER?
TIME MOVES SLOWLY WHEN YOU ARE
ANXIOUS.

TIME MOVES SLOWLY WHEN YOU ARE
ANXIOUS.
YESTERDAY SEEMS SO FAR AWAY.

ANXIOUS.
YESTERDAY SEEMS SO FAR AWAY.
AH, YESTERDAY...

YESTERDAY SEEMS SO FAR AWAY.
AH, YESTERDAY...
YESTERDAY...

YESTERDAY...
YESTERDAY I WAS STILL ON THIS
TRAIN, THE THIRD DAY ON THIS

YESTERDAY I WAS STILL ON THIS
TRAIN, THE THIRD DAY ON THIS
TRIP FROM VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.

TRAIN, THE THIRD DAY ON THIS
TRIP FROM VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.
I COULD HAVE GOTTEN UP TO MOVE

TRIP FROM VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.
I COULD HAVE GOTTEN UP TO MOVE
AROUND, BUT I MIGHT HAVE LOST MY

I COULD HAVE GOTTEN UP TO MOVE
AROUND, BUT I MIGHT HAVE LOST MY
SEAT.

AROUND, BUT I MIGHT HAVE LOST MY
SEAT.
I REMEMBER THE WAITER

SEAT.
I REMEMBER THE WAITER
APPROACHING ME.

I REMEMBER THE WAITER
APPROACHING ME.
[Russian accent] EXCUSE ME,

APPROACHING ME.
[Russian accent] EXCUSE ME,
BUT WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO

[Russian accent] EXCUSE ME,
BUT WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO
EAT?

BUT WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO
EAT?
JUST SOME WINE, PLEASE.

EAT?
JUST SOME WINE, PLEASE.
OF COURSE.

JUST SOME WINE, PLEASE.
OF COURSE.
[Thinking] MY, SHE IS SO

OF COURSE.
[Thinking] MY, SHE IS SO
LOVELY, HER FACE SO BEAUTIFUL,

[Thinking] MY, SHE IS SO
LOVELY, HER FACE SO BEAUTIFUL,
HER BODY SO SUPPLE.

LOVELY, HER FACE SO BEAUTIFUL,
HER BODY SO SUPPLE.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST MOMENT I

HER BODY SO SUPPLE.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST MOMENT I
SET EYES UPON HER.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST MOMENT I
SET EYES UPON HER.
IT WAS YESTERDAY.

SET EYES UPON HER.
IT WAS YESTERDAY.
I WAS POURING SOME WINE ON THE

IT WAS YESTERDAY.
I WAS POURING SOME WINE ON THE
SECOND DAY OF THIS JOURNEY FROM

I WAS POURING SOME WINE ON THE
SECOND DAY OF THIS JOURNEY FROM
VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.

SECOND DAY OF THIS JOURNEY FROM
VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.
I REMEMBER...

VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.
I REMEMBER...
I REMEMBER...

SOME WINE FOR YOU, MA'AM?
NOT FOR ME.
I WILL BE ORDERING THAT WINE

NOT FOR ME.
I WILL BE ORDERING THAT WINE
TOMORROW... THE THIRD DAY OF THIS

I WILL BE ORDERING THAT WINE
TOMORROW... THE THIRD DAY OF THIS
JOURNEY FROM VLADIVOSTOK TO

TOMORROW... THE THIRD DAY OF THIS
JOURNEY FROM VLADIVOSTOK TO
KIEV.

JOURNEY FROM VLADIVOSTOK TO
KIEV.
AH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

KIEV.
AH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I FORGOT WHAT DAY IT WAS.

AH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I FORGOT WHAT DAY IT WAS.
[Thinking] I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL

I FORGOT WHAT DAY IT WAS.
[Thinking] I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL
TOMORROW SO I CAN GIVE HER THIS

[Thinking] I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL
TOMORROW SO I CAN GIVE HER THIS
WINE.

THE TRAIN MOVES SO SLOWLY.
TIME SEEMS TO BE DRAGGING.
MY THOUGHTS DRIFT BACK TO A

TIME SEEMS TO BE DRAGGING.
MY THOUGHTS DRIFT BACK TO A
HAPPIER TIME.

MY THOUGHTS DRIFT BACK TO A
HAPPIER TIME.
I HEAR THE SOUNDS OF MY

HAPPIER TIME.
I HEAR THE SOUNDS OF MY
CHILDHOOD IN MOSCOW...

I HEAR THE SOUNDS OF MY
CHILDHOOD IN MOSCOW...
[MAN HUMMING]

CHILDHOOD IN MOSCOW...
[MAN HUMMING]
THE SINGING OF THE BROTHERS

[MAN HUMMING]
THE SINGING OF THE BROTHERS
KARAMAZOV.

THE SINGING OF THE BROTHERS
KARAMAZOV.
THEY WERE THE HOTTEST CLUB ACT

KARAMAZOV.
THEY WERE THE HOTTEST CLUB ACT
IN RUSSIA BEFORE THE REVOLUTION.

THEY WERE THE HOTTEST CLUB ACT
IN RUSSIA BEFORE THE REVOLUTION.
NOW THEY'RE SINGING STEWARDS ON

IN RUSSIA BEFORE THE REVOLUTION.
NOW THEY'RE SINGING STEWARDS ON
THE VLADIVOSTOK-TO-KIEV RUN.

NOW THEY'RE SINGING STEWARDS ON
THE VLADIVOSTOK-TO-KIEV RUN.
IT'S SAD.

THE VLADIVOSTOK-TO-KIEV RUN.
IT'S SAD.
I REALLY CAN'T WAIT UNTIL

IT'S SAD.
I REALLY CAN'T WAIT UNTIL
TOMORROW.

I REALLY CAN'T WAIT UNTIL
TOMORROW.
TOMORROW...

TOMORROW.
TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...

TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...

TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...
TOMORROW I'LL BE STILL ON THIS

TOMORROW...
TOMORROW I'LL BE STILL ON THIS
DAMN TRAIN.

TOMORROW I'LL BE STILL ON THIS
DAMN TRAIN.
BUT IN THE EVENING I'LL BE

DAMN TRAIN.
BUT IN THE EVENING I'LL BE
REUNITED WITH MY SISTER, SONYA,

BUT IN THE EVENING I'LL BE
REUNITED WITH MY SISTER, SONYA,
WHO WILL JOIN ME ON THIS TRAIN

REUNITED WITH MY SISTER, SONYA,
WHO WILL JOIN ME ON THIS TRAIN
AS WE CONTINUE ON TO BULGARIA

WHO WILL JOIN ME ON THIS TRAIN
AS WE CONTINUE ON TO BULGARIA
FOR THE OPENING OF THE POGROM

AS WE CONTINUE ON TO BULGARIA
FOR THE OPENING OF THE POGROM
SEASON.

FOR THE OPENING OF THE POGROM
SEASON.
YOUR WINE, MA'AM... NICE AND

SEASON.
YOUR WINE, MA'AM... NICE AND
CHILLED.

YOUR WINE, MA'AM... NICE AND
CHILLED.
I ORDERED THAT YESTERDAY, THE

CHILLED.
I ORDERED THAT YESTERDAY, THE
THIRD DAY OF OUR TRIP FROM

I ORDERED THAT YESTERDAY, THE
THIRD DAY OF OUR TRIP FROM
VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.

THIRD DAY OF OUR TRIP FROM
VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.
TODAY IS THE FOURTH DAY!

VLADIVOSTOK TO KIEV.
TODAY IS THE FOURTH DAY!
I ALREADY DRANK THAT.

TODAY IS THE FOURTH DAY!
I ALREADY DRANK THAT.
DIDN'T I, SONYA?

I ALREADY DRANK THAT.
DIDN'T I, SONYA?
[Russian accent] YES, YOU

DIDN'T I, SONYA?
[Russian accent] YES, YOU
DID, MY SWEET SISTER.

[Russian accent] YES, YOU
DID, MY SWEET SISTER.
ARE YOU SURE?

DID, MY SWEET SISTER.
ARE YOU SURE?
HMM.

ARE YOU SURE?
HMM.
SO YOU DID!

HMM.
SO YOU DID!
UH, I HOPE YOU LIKED IT, MA'AM.

SO YOU DID!
UH, I HOPE YOU LIKED IT, MA'AM.
SO SORRY TO DISTURB YOU.

THAT WAS TOMORROW.
I CAN'T WAIT.
BUT RIGHT NOW I'M THIRSTY.

I CAN'T WAIT.
BUT RIGHT NOW I'M THIRSTY.
WAITER!

BUT RIGHT NOW I'M THIRSTY.
WAITER!
WHERE IS MY WINE?

WAITER!
WHERE IS MY WINE?
[Russian accent] HERE IT

WHERE IS MY WINE?
[Russian accent] HERE IT
IS.

[Russian accent] HERE IT
IS.
HERE IS YOUR WI...

IS.
HERE IS YOUR WI...
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HERE IS YOUR WI...
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M ON TODAY.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M ON TODAY.
THIS IS MY STATION!

I'M ON TODAY.
THIS IS MY STATION!
NO, YOU'RE NOT!

THIS IS MY STATION!
NO, YOU'RE NOT!
I'M ON TODAY.

NO, YOU'RE NOT!
I'M ON TODAY.
YOU'RE ON ALTERNATE YESTERDAYS

I'M ON TODAY.
YOU'RE ON ALTERNATE YESTERDAYS
AND EVERY OTHER TOMORROW!

YOU'RE ON ALTERNATE YESTERDAYS
AND EVERY OTHER TOMORROW!
OH, TOMORROW.

AND EVERY OTHER TOMORROW!
OH, TOMORROW.
Both: TOMORROW...

OH, TOMORROW.
Both: TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...

Both: TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...

TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...

TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...

TOMORROW...
TOMORROW...
OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.

TOMORROW...
OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.
OH, SONYA.

OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.
OH, SONYA.
OH, ANYA.

OH, SONYA.
OH, ANYA.
OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.

OH, ANYA.
OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.
OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.

OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.
OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.
OH, SONYA.

OH, MR. KARAMAZOV.
OH, SONYA.
I FEEL ALMOST AS GOOD AS I

OH, SONYA.
I FEEL ALMOST AS GOOD AS I
DID TOMORROW.

I FEEL ALMOST AS GOOD AS I
DID TOMORROW.
NO, THAT WAS YESTERDAY.

DID TOMORROW.
NO, THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
WHEN WILL IT BE TODAY?

NO, THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
WHEN WILL IT BE TODAY?
SOMETIME TOMORROW.

WHEN WILL IT BE TODAY?
SOMETIME TOMORROW.
ARE YOU SURE?

SOMETIME TOMORROW.
ARE YOU SURE?
WHO CARES?

ARE YOU SURE?
WHO CARES?
All: AHH!

HI, I'M MR. MIKE.
PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER ME FROM MY
IMPRESSION OF MIKE DOUGLAS

PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER ME FROM MY
IMPRESSION OF MIKE DOUGLAS
PLUNGING LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH

IMPRESSION OF MIKE DOUGLAS
PLUNGING LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH
REAL SHARP POINTS INTO HIS EYES

PLUNGING LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH
REAL SHARP POINTS INTO HIS EYES
OR PERHAPS FROM MY IMPRESSION OF

REAL SHARP POINTS INTO HIS EYES
OR PERHAPS FROM MY IMPRESSION OF
TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN PLUNGING

OR PERHAPS FROM MY IMPRESSION OF
TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN PLUNGING
LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH REAL

TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN PLUNGING
LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH REAL
SHARP POINTS INTO THEIR EYES OR

LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH REAL
SHARP POINTS INTO THEIR EYES OR
MAYBE FROM MY IMPRESSION OF THE

SHARP POINTS INTO THEIR EYES OR
MAYBE FROM MY IMPRESSION OF THE
MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR PLUNGING

MAYBE FROM MY IMPRESSION OF THE
MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR PLUNGING
LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH REAL

MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR PLUNGING
LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH REAL
SHARP POINTS INTO THEIR EYES.

LONG STEEL NEEDLES WITH REAL
SHARP POINTS INTO THEIR EYES.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME AND ON WITH

SHARP POINTS INTO THEIR EYES.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME AND ON WITH
THE SHOW.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME AND ON WITH
THE SHOW.
ARE YOU READY, RAT-KETEERS?

THE SHOW.
ARE YOU READY, RAT-KETEERS?
All: READY, MR. MIKE!

ARE YOU READY, RAT-KETEERS?
All: READY, MR. MIKE!
OKAY, THEN IT'S TIME FOR

All: READY, MR. MIKE!
OKAY, THEN IT'S TIME FOR
MR. MIKE'S RICKEY RAT CLUB!

OKAY, THEN IT'S TIME FOR
MR. MIKE'S RICKEY RAT CLUB!
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

MR. MIKE'S RICKEY RAT CLUB!
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
All: ♪ WHO'S THE LEADER

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
All: ♪ WHO'S THE LEADER
OF THE CLUB THAT'S MADE FOR YOU

All: ♪ WHO'S THE LEADER
OF THE CLUB THAT'S MADE FOR YOU
AND ME? ♪

OF THE CLUB THAT'S MADE FOR YOU
AND ME? ♪
♪ R-I-C-K-E-Y ♪

AND ME? ♪
♪ R-I-C-K-E-Y ♪
♪ R-A-T ♪

♪ R-I-C-K-E-Y ♪
♪ R-A-T ♪
♪ RICKEY RAT ♪

♪ R-A-T ♪
♪ RICKEY RAT ♪
♪ SAMMY SLUG ♪

♪ RICKEY RAT ♪
♪ SAMMY SLUG ♪
All: ♪ RICKEY RAT ♪

♪ SAMMY SLUG ♪
All: ♪ RICKEY RAT ♪
♪ SAMMY SLUG ♪

All: ♪ RICKEY RAT ♪
♪ SAMMY SLUG ♪
All: ♪ FOREVER LET US

♪ SAMMY SLUG ♪
All: ♪ FOREVER LET US
HANG OUR RAT HATS HIGH ♪

All: ♪ FOREVER LET US
HANG OUR RAT HATS HIGH ♪
HIGH! HIGH! HIGH!

HANG OUR RAT HATS HIGH ♪
HIGH! HIGH! HIGH!
♪ COME ALONG AND SING OUR SONG

HIGH! HIGH! HIGH!
♪ COME ALONG AND SING OUR SONG
AND JOIN THE JAMBOREE ♪

♪ COME ALONG AND SING OUR SONG
AND JOIN THE JAMBOREE ♪
♪ R-I-C-K-E-Y ♪

AND JOIN THE JAMBOREE ♪
♪ R-I-C-K-E-Y ♪
♪ R-A-T ♪

♪ R-I-C-K-E-Y ♪
♪ R-A-T ♪
YAY!

♪ R-A-T ♪
YAY!
HEY, HEY! OKAY!

YAY!
HEY, HEY! OKAY!
RAT-KETEER ROLL CALL!

HEY, HEY! OKAY!
RAT-KETEER ROLL CALL!
COUNT OFF NOW!

RAT-KETEER ROLL CALL!
COUNT OFF NOW!
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

COUNT OFF NOW!
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
WILLARD!

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
WILLARD!
BEN!

WILLARD!
BEN!
STINKY!

BEN!
STINKY!
SLEZEBALL!

STINKY!
SLEZEBALL!
PHLEGMA!

SLEZEBALL!
PHLEGMA!
SCUMBO!

PHLEGMA!
SCUMBO!
ANNETTE!

SCUMBO!
ANNETTE!
AND BUCKY!

ANNETTE!
AND BUCKY!
HIYA, RAT-KETEERS!

AND BUCKY!
HIYA, RAT-KETEERS!
HIYA, BUCKY!

HIYA, RAT-KETEERS!
HIYA, BUCKY!
DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT TODAY

HIYA, BUCKY!
DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT TODAY
IS?

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT TODAY
IS?
"ANYTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN

IS?
"ANYTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN
DAY"!

"ANYTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN
DAY"!
THAT'S RIGHT, RAT-KETEERS,

DAY"!
THAT'S RIGHT, RAT-KETEERS,
AND WHY DO WE HAVE "ANYTHING BAD

THAT'S RIGHT, RAT-KETEERS,
AND WHY DO WE HAVE "ANYTHING BAD
CAN HAPPEN DAY"?

AND WHY DO WE HAVE "ANYTHING BAD
CAN HAPPEN DAY"?
SO SOMETHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!

CAN HAPPEN DAY"?
SO SOMETHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!
THAT'S RIGHT!

SO SOMETHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!
THAT'S RIGHT!
AND WHY IS IT GOOD FOR SOMETHING

THAT'S RIGHT!
AND WHY IS IT GOOD FOR SOMETHING
BAD TO HAPPEN?

AND WHY IS IT GOOD FOR SOMETHING
BAD TO HAPPEN?
'CAUSE REAL LIFE IS FULL OF

BAD TO HAPPEN?
'CAUSE REAL LIFE IS FULL OF
HORRIBLE THINGS, AND THE FASTER

'CAUSE REAL LIFE IS FULL OF
HORRIBLE THINGS, AND THE FASTER
WE LEARN TO LIKE IT, THE BETTER!

HORRIBLE THINGS, AND THE FASTER
WE LEARN TO LIKE IT, THE BETTER!
THAT'S RIGHT, PHLEGM-O!

WE LEARN TO LIKE IT, THE BETTER!
THAT'S RIGHT, PHLEGM-O!
IT'S A DOG-EAT-DOG JUNGLE OUT

THAT'S RIGHT, PHLEGM-O!
IT'S A DOG-EAT-DOG JUNGLE OUT
THERE, AND I'M TRAINING YOU KIDS

IT'S A DOG-EAT-DOG JUNGLE OUT
THERE, AND I'M TRAINING YOU KIDS
TO COME OUT ON THE TOP OF THE

THERE, AND I'M TRAINING YOU KIDS
TO COME OUT ON THE TOP OF THE
HEAP, JUST LIKE RICKEY DID!

TO COME OUT ON THE TOP OF THE
HEAP, JUST LIKE RICKEY DID!
OH, BUCKY, SOME OF US WHO

HEAP, JUST LIKE RICKEY DID!
OH, BUCKY, SOME OF US WHO
HAVE NEVER BEEN RAT-KETEERS

OH, BUCKY, SOME OF US WHO
HAVE NEVER BEEN RAT-KETEERS
BEFORE WERE WONDERING WHAT

HAVE NEVER BEEN RAT-KETEERS
BEFORE WERE WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE RAT-KETEERS FROM

BEFORE WERE WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE RAT-KETEERS FROM
LAST YEAR!

HAPPENED TO THE RAT-KETEERS FROM
LAST YEAR!
WELL, STINKY, REMEMBER WHEN

LAST YEAR!
WELL, STINKY, REMEMBER WHEN
WE HELPED SCIENCE BY CONFINING

WELL, STINKY, REMEMBER WHEN
WE HELPED SCIENCE BY CONFINING
ALL THE RAT-KETEERS IN A SMALL,

WE HELPED SCIENCE BY CONFINING
ALL THE RAT-KETEERS IN A SMALL,
DARK CLOSET TO SEE IF THEY'D

ALL THE RAT-KETEERS IN A SMALL,
DARK CLOSET TO SEE IF THEY'D
TURN HOMOSEXUAL?

DARK CLOSET TO SEE IF THEY'D
TURN HOMOSEXUAL?
OH!

TURN HOMOSEXUAL?
OH!
YOU MEAN ON OVERCROWDING DAY!

OH!
YOU MEAN ON OVERCROWDING DAY!
THAT'S RIGHT, SLEZEBALL!

YOU MEAN ON OVERCROWDING DAY!
THAT'S RIGHT, SLEZEBALL!
WELL, THE EXPERIMENT WAS A BIG

THAT'S RIGHT, SLEZEBALL!
WELL, THE EXPERIMENT WAS A BIG
SUCCESS, AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM

WELL, THE EXPERIMENT WAS A BIG
SUCCESS, AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM
CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

SUCCESS, AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM
CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!
[CHEERING]

CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!
[CHEERING]
ANYWAY, IT'S FUN BEING A

[CHEERING]
ANYWAY, IT'S FUN BEING A
RAT-KETEER!

ANYWAY, IT'S FUN BEING A
RAT-KETEER!
YEAH, WE LOVE RICKEY, 'CAUSE

RAT-KETEER!
YEAH, WE LOVE RICKEY, 'CAUSE
HE'S NOT SOME CUTE, STUPID

YEAH, WE LOVE RICKEY, 'CAUSE
HE'S NOT SOME CUTE, STUPID
CARTOON MOUSE LIKE MICKEY!

HE'S NOT SOME CUTE, STUPID
CARTOON MOUSE LIKE MICKEY!
WE LOVE RICKEY 'CAUSE HE'S A

CARTOON MOUSE LIKE MICKEY!
WE LOVE RICKEY 'CAUSE HE'S A
RAT, AND HE'S REAL, AND HE'S

WE LOVE RICKEY 'CAUSE HE'S A
RAT, AND HE'S REAL, AND HE'S
FROM HARLEM!

RAT, AND HE'S REAL, AND HE'S
FROM HARLEM!
YEAH!

FROM HARLEM!
YEAH!
WE LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE CAME UP

YEAH!
WE LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE CAME UP
THE HARD WAY, JUST LIKE ROCKY,

WE LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE CAME UP
THE HARD WAY, JUST LIKE ROCKY,
YOU KNOW?

THE HARD WAY, JUST LIKE ROCKY,
YOU KNOW?
YEAH!

YOU KNOW?
YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH!

YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH!
HEY, WHERE IS RICKEY?

YEAH! YEAH!
HEY, WHERE IS RICKEY?
YEAH! WE WANT TO SEE RICKEY!

HEY, WHERE IS RICKEY?
YEAH! WE WANT TO SEE RICKEY!
OKAY.

YEAH! WE WANT TO SEE RICKEY!
OKAY.
SCUMBO, BRING OUT RICKEY!

OKAY.
SCUMBO, BRING OUT RICKEY!
OH!

SCUMBO, BRING OUT RICKEY!
OH!
HI, RICK!

OH!
HI, RICK!
HI, RAT-KETEERS!

HI, RICK!
HI, RAT-KETEERS!
HI, RICKEY!

HI, RAT-KETEERS!
HI, RICKEY!
WAIT A MINUTE, BUCKY!

HI, RICKEY!
WAIT A MINUTE, BUCKY!
WHAT?

WAIT A MINUTE, BUCKY!
WHAT?
THIS ISN'T THE SAME RICKEY

WHAT?
THIS ISN'T THE SAME RICKEY
FROM LAST WEEK.

THIS ISN'T THE SAME RICKEY
FROM LAST WEEK.
YEAH, THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

FROM LAST WEEK.
YEAH, THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
RICKEY!

YEAH, THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
RICKEY!
WELL, THIS ISN'T RICKEY!

RICKEY!
WELL, THIS ISN'T RICKEY!
OUR RICKEY HAD PROGRESSIVE TAIL

WELL, THIS ISN'T RICKEY!
OUR RICKEY HAD PROGRESSIVE TAIL
MANGE!

OUR RICKEY HAD PROGRESSIVE TAIL
MANGE!
UH, WELL, UH...

MANGE!
UH, WELL, UH...
Y-Y-YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!

UH, WELL, UH...
Y-Y-YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!
UH, THIS IS... THIS IS RICKEY'S

Y-Y-YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!
UH, THIS IS... THIS IS RICKEY'S
TWIN BROTHER, DICKEY!

UH, THIS IS... THIS IS RICKEY'S
TWIN BROTHER, DICKEY!
THIS IS DICKEY RAT!

TWIN BROTHER, DICKEY!
THIS IS DICKEY RAT!
All: OH!

THIS IS DICKEY RAT!
All: OH!
WHAT HAPPENED TO RICKEY,

All: OH!
WHAT HAPPENED TO RICKEY,
BUCKY?

WHAT HAPPENED TO RICKEY,
BUCKY?
UH, THIS WEEK RICKEY'S BEEN

BUCKY?
UH, THIS WEEK RICKEY'S BEEN
HELPING SCIENCE.

UH, THIS WEEK RICKEY'S BEEN
HELPING SCIENCE.
DOING WHAT?

HELPING SCIENCE.
DOING WHAT?
TESTING CYCLAMATES!

DOING WHAT?
TESTING CYCLAMATES!
IS THAT WHERE HE IS NOW?

TESTING CYCLAMATES!
IS THAT WHERE HE IS NOW?
NO, ACTUALLY, HE'S... HE'S IN

IS THAT WHERE HE IS NOW?
NO, ACTUALLY, HE'S... HE'S IN
RAT HOSPITAL, AND HE SAYS TO SAY

NO, ACTUALLY, HE'S... HE'S IN
RAT HOSPITAL, AND HE SAYS TO SAY
HELLO AND THAT YOU SHOULD ALL

RAT HOSPITAL, AND HE SAYS TO SAY
HELLO AND THAT YOU SHOULD ALL
MAKE DICKEY HERE FEEL WELCOME!

HELLO AND THAT YOU SHOULD ALL
MAKE DICKEY HERE FEEL WELCOME!
WAIT A MINUTE.

MAKE DICKEY HERE FEEL WELCOME!
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH RICKEY?

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH RICKEY?
WELL, HE'S GOT THIS... HE'S

WHAT'S WRONG WITH RICKEY?
WELL, HE'S GOT THIS... HE'S
GOT THIS SORT OF LITTLE CYST ON

WELL, HE'S GOT THIS... HE'S
GOT THIS SORT OF LITTLE CYST ON
HIS LITTLE RAT LIVER.

GOT THIS SORT OF LITTLE CYST ON
HIS LITTLE RAT LIVER.
OH!

HIS LITTLE RAT LIVER.
OH!
WELL, BUCKY, CAN WE VISIT

OH!
WELL, BUCKY, CAN WE VISIT
HIM?

WELL, BUCKY, CAN WE VISIT
HIM?
NOT TODAY, ANNETTE.

HIM?
NOT TODAY, ANNETTE.
HE'S HAVING SOME TESTS DONE.

NOT TODAY, ANNETTE.
HE'S HAVING SOME TESTS DONE.
THEN CAN WE SEE HIM TOMORROW?

HE'S HAVING SOME TESTS DONE.
THEN CAN WE SEE HIM TOMORROW?
IT'S REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.

THEN CAN WE SEE HIM TOMORROW?
IT'S REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.
WELL, HOW ABOUT NEXT WEEK?

IT'S REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.
WELL, HOW ABOUT NEXT WEEK?
THAT'S DOUBTFUL.

WELL, HOW ABOUT NEXT WEEK?
THAT'S DOUBTFUL.
THAT'S DOUBTFUL.

THAT'S DOUBTFUL.
THAT'S DOUBTFUL.
WELL, WILL HE EVER BE ABLE TO

THAT'S DOUBTFUL.
WELL, WILL HE EVER BE ABLE TO
COME BACK TO THE SHOW AGAIN?

WELL, WILL HE EVER BE ABLE TO
COME BACK TO THE SHOW AGAIN?
WE'LL KNOW ON MONDAY!

COME BACK TO THE SHOW AGAIN?
WE'LL KNOW ON MONDAY!
OHH!

WE'LL KNOW ON MONDAY!
OHH!
THAT'S HORRIBLE!

OHH!
THAT'S HORRIBLE!
BUCKY!

THAT'S HORRIBLE!
BUCKY!
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!

BUCKY!
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE!

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ON "ANYTHING

WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ON "ANYTHING
BAD CAN HAPPEN DAY"?

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ON "ANYTHING
BAD CAN HAPPEN DAY"?
COME ON!

BAD CAN HAPPEN DAY"?
COME ON!
SNAP OUT OF IT, RAT-KETEERS!

COME ON!
SNAP OUT OF IT, RAT-KETEERS!
IS... HEY, IS ANYONE HUNGRY FOR

SNAP OUT OF IT, RAT-KETEERS!
IS... HEY, IS ANYONE HUNGRY FOR
RAT SNACKS, HMM?

IS... HEY, IS ANYONE HUNGRY FOR
RAT SNACKS, HMM?
WE'VE GOT EGGSHELLS, COFFEE

RAT SNACKS, HMM?
WE'VE GOT EGGSHELLS, COFFEE
GROUNDS, GLASS SHARDS, AND TICK

WE'VE GOT EGGSHELLS, COFFEE
GROUNDS, GLASS SHARDS, AND TICK
LARVAE!

GROUNDS, GLASS SHARDS, AND TICK
LARVAE!
HOW ABOUT YOU, SLEZEBALL?

LARVAE!
HOW ABOUT YOU, SLEZEBALL?
NAH, I ATE BEFORE THE SHOW.

HOW ABOUT YOU, SLEZEBALL?
NAH, I ATE BEFORE THE SHOW.
OKAY.

NAH, I ATE BEFORE THE SHOW.
OKAY.
THEN ARE WE ALL SET TO PLAY

OKAY.
THEN ARE WE ALL SET TO PLAY
"CHEESE OR ELECTRIC SHOCK"?

THEN ARE WE ALL SET TO PLAY
"CHEESE OR ELECTRIC SHOCK"?
PHLEGMA?

"CHEESE OR ELECTRIC SHOCK"?
PHLEGMA?
NO, IT HURTS TOO MUCH.

PHLEGMA?
NO, IT HURTS TOO MUCH.
OKAY, WHO'S READY TO BE

NO, IT HURTS TOO MUCH.
OKAY, WHO'S READY TO BE
EXPOSED TO MR. ATOMIC WASTE?

OKAY, WHO'S READY TO BE
EXPOSED TO MR. ATOMIC WASTE?
ANNETTE?

EXPOSED TO MR. ATOMIC WASTE?
ANNETTE?
NOT ME!

ANNETTE?
NOT ME!
I HATE GAMES THAT MAKE MY HAIR

NOT ME!
I HATE GAMES THAT MAKE MY HAIR
FALL OUT!

I HATE GAMES THAT MAKE MY HAIR
FALL OUT!
YOU KNOW, I HAD YOU KIDS ALL

FALL OUT!
YOU KNOW, I HAD YOU KIDS ALL
WRONG.

YOU KNOW, I HAD YOU KIDS ALL
WRONG.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH.

WRONG.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH.
I THOUGHT YOU COULD TAKE IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH.
I THOUGHT YOU COULD TAKE IT.
YOU KNOW, RICKEY'S GONNA BE

I THOUGHT YOU COULD TAKE IT.
YOU KNOW, RICKEY'S GONNA BE
WATCHING THIS SHOW FROM HIS

YOU KNOW, RICKEY'S GONNA BE
WATCHING THIS SHOW FROM HIS
LITTLE RAT-KE-HOSPITAL BED, AND

WATCHING THIS SHOW FROM HIS
LITTLE RAT-KE-HOSPITAL BED, AND
HE'S SURE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED

LITTLE RAT-KE-HOSPITAL BED, AND
HE'S SURE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED
IN YOU.

HE'S SURE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED
IN YOU.
All: OHH.

IN YOU.
All: OHH.
WE DIDN'T KNOW RICKEY WOULD

All: OHH.
WE DIDN'T KNOW RICKEY WOULD
BE WATCHING.

WE DIDN'T KNOW RICKEY WOULD
BE WATCHING.
IS IT TOO LATE TO HELP?

BE WATCHING.
IS IT TOO LATE TO HELP?
WELL, ARE YOU ALL WITH ME,

IS IT TOO LATE TO HELP?
WELL, ARE YOU ALL WITH ME,
RAT-KETEERS?

WELL, ARE YOU ALL WITH ME,
RAT-KETEERS?
All: YEAH!

RAT-KETEERS?
All: YEAH!
GOOD!

All: YEAH!
GOOD!
THEN AFTER THE SHOW, WE CAN HELP

GOOD!
THEN AFTER THE SHOW, WE CAN HELP
SCIENCE AND TEST CHILDREN'S

THEN AFTER THE SHOW, WE CAN HELP
SCIENCE AND TEST CHILDREN'S
FLAMMABLE SLEEPWEAR!

SCIENCE AND TEST CHILDREN'S
FLAMMABLE SLEEPWEAR!
All: YAY!

FLAMMABLE SLEEPWEAR!
All: YAY!
AND IN THE MEANTIME, WHY

All: YAY!
AND IN THE MEANTIME, WHY
DON'T WE SING OUR GOODBYE SONG

AND IN THE MEANTIME, WHY
DON'T WE SING OUR GOODBYE SONG
TO DICKEY?

DON'T WE SING OUR GOODBYE SONG
TO DICKEY?
OKAY!

TO DICKEY?
OKAY!
All: ♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO

OKAY!
All: ♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO
SAY GOODBYE TO ALL OUR FAMILY ♪

All: ♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO
SAY GOODBYE TO ALL OUR FAMILY ♪
♪ D-I-C ♪

SAY GOODBYE TO ALL OUR FAMILY ♪
♪ D-I-C ♪
SEE YOU IN THE SEWER,

♪ D-I-C ♪
SEE YOU IN THE SEWER,
SUCKERS!

SEE YOU IN THE SEWER,
SUCKERS!
♪ K-E-Y ♪

SUCKERS!
♪ K-E-Y ♪
WHY?

♪ K-E-Y ♪
WHY?
BECAUSE WE'RE VERMIN!

WHY?
BECAUSE WE'RE VERMIN!
♪ R-A-T ♪

BECAUSE WE'RE VERMIN!
♪ R-A-T ♪
HEY, WHY DON'T WE TAKE DICKEY

♪ R-A-T ♪
HEY, WHY DON'T WE TAKE DICKEY
OUT OF HIS CAGE AND GIVE HIM A

HEY, WHY DON'T WE TAKE DICKEY
OUT OF HIS CAGE AND GIVE HIM A
BIG RAT-KE-CHEER?

OUT OF HIS CAGE AND GIVE HIM A
BIG RAT-KE-CHEER?
[CHEERING]

BIG RAT-KE-CHEER?
[CHEERING]
ALL RIGHT!

[CHEERING]
ALL RIGHT!
WHERE'S DICKEY?

ALL RIGHT!
WHERE'S DICKEY?
COME ON, DICKEY!

WHERE'S DICKEY?
COME ON, DICKEY!
THAT'S IT!

COME ON, DICKEY!
THAT'S IT!
All: YAY, DICKEY!

THAT'S IT!
All: YAY, DICKEY!
YAY, DICKEY!

All: YAY, DICKEY!
YAY, DICKEY!
YAY, DICKEY!

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM!

TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
Both: THANK YOU.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
Both: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Both: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE RATINGS EXPERTS HAVE TOLD US

YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE RATINGS EXPERTS HAVE TOLD US
THAT MOST OF OUR YOUNG VIEWERS

THE RATINGS EXPERTS HAVE TOLD US
THAT MOST OF OUR YOUNG VIEWERS
OUT THERE ONLY KNOWN AL AND I

THAT MOST OF OUR YOUNG VIEWERS
OUT THERE ONLY KNOWN AL AND I
FROM THIS, THE NEW "FRANKEN AND

OUT THERE ONLY KNOWN AL AND I
FROM THIS, THE NEW "FRANKEN AND
DAVIS SHOW," BUT THAT THEY'RE

FROM THIS, THE NEW "FRANKEN AND
DAVIS SHOW," BUT THAT THEY'RE
REALLY UNFAMILIAR WITH THE REST

DAVIS SHOW," BUT THAT THEY'RE
REALLY UNFAMILIAR WITH THE REST
OF OUR LONG AND DISTINGUISHED

REALLY UNFAMILIAR WITH THE REST
OF OUR LONG AND DISTINGUISHED
CAREERS IN THIS NUTTY BUSINESS.

OF OUR LONG AND DISTINGUISHED
CAREERS IN THIS NUTTY BUSINESS.
WELL, RIGHT YOU ARE, TOM, AND

CAREERS IN THIS NUTTY BUSINESS.
WELL, RIGHT YOU ARE, TOM, AND
WE'VE BROUGHT SOME PICTURES TO

WELL, RIGHT YOU ARE, TOM, AND
WE'VE BROUGHT SOME PICTURES TO
SHOW YOU YOUNG PEOPLE OF OUR

WE'VE BROUGHT SOME PICTURES TO
SHOW YOU YOUNG PEOPLE OF OUR
EARLY CAREER.

SHOW YOU YOUNG PEOPLE OF OUR
EARLY CAREER.
SO, IF WE COULD LOOK AT THOSE,

EARLY CAREER.
SO, IF WE COULD LOOK AT THOSE,
DAVEY?

SO, IF WE COULD LOOK AT THOSE,
DAVEY?
I THINK THEY'D GET A KICK OUT

DAVEY?
I THINK THEY'D GET A KICK OUT
OF THEM.

I THINK THEY'D GET A KICK OUT
OF THEM.
I THINK IT ALL STARTED WITH

OF THEM.
I THINK IT ALL STARTED WITH
OUR TELEVISION DEBUT IN 1957 ON

I THINK IT ALL STARTED WITH
OUR TELEVISION DEBUT IN 1957 ON
"THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW."

OUR TELEVISION DEBUT IN 1957 ON
"THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW."
THAT, OF COURSE, LED TO OUR

"THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW."
THAT, OF COURSE, LED TO OUR
OWN SHOW, THE "LOCKHEED COMEDY

THAT, OF COURSE, LED TO OUR
OWN SHOW, THE "LOCKHEED COMEDY
HOUR."

OWN SHOW, THE "LOCKHEED COMEDY
HOUR."
NOW, BY THIS TIME, THE WHOLE

HOUR."
NOW, BY THIS TIME, THE WHOLE
COUNTRY WAS INFECTED WITH

NOW, BY THIS TIME, THE WHOLE
COUNTRY WAS INFECTED WITH
"FRANKEN AND DAVIS" MANIA.

COUNTRY WAS INFECTED WITH
"FRANKEN AND DAVIS" MANIA.
AND EVERY KID IN AMERICA WANTED

"FRANKEN AND DAVIS" MANIA.
AND EVERY KID IN AMERICA WANTED
CURLY HAIR AND GLASSES.

AND EVERY KID IN AMERICA WANTED
CURLY HAIR AND GLASSES.
OUR NEXT SHOW, OF COURSE, WAS

CURLY HAIR AND GLASSES.
OUR NEXT SHOW, OF COURSE, WAS
THE NORMAN LEAR SITCOM "I'M

OUR NEXT SHOW, OF COURSE, WAS
THE NORMAN LEAR SITCOM "I'M
FRANKENBAUM, HE'S O'DAVIS."

THE NORMAN LEAR SITCOM "I'M
FRANKENBAUM, HE'S O'DAVIS."
IT RAN ONLY FOR HALF A SEASON

FRANKENBAUM, HE'S O'DAVIS."
IT RAN ONLY FOR HALF A SEASON
BECAUSE OF ITS CONTROVERSIAL

IT RAN ONLY FOR HALF A SEASON
BECAUSE OF ITS CONTROVERSIAL
NATURE.

BECAUSE OF ITS CONTROVERSIAL
NATURE.
AS YOU MAY REMEMBER, IT WAS

NATURE.
AS YOU MAY REMEMBER, IT WAS
FORCED OFF THE AIR BY PRESSURE

AS YOU MAY REMEMBER, IT WAS
FORCED OFF THE AIR BY PRESSURE
FROM SEVERAL JEWISH

FORCED OFF THE AIR BY PRESSURE
FROM SEVERAL JEWISH
ORGANIZATIONS.

FROM SEVERAL JEWISH
ORGANIZATIONS.
SOON AFTER, TOM AND I... WELL,

ORGANIZATIONS.
SOON AFTER, TOM AND I... WELL,
WE BROKE UP.

SOON AFTER, TOM AND I... WELL,
WE BROKE UP.
WE HAD SOME WELL-PUBLICIZED

WE BROKE UP.
WE HAD SOME WELL-PUBLICIZED
FINANCIAL DISPUTES.

WE HAD SOME WELL-PUBLICIZED
FINANCIAL DISPUTES.
LET'S NOT BELABOR THEM.

FINANCIAL DISPUTES.
LET'S NOT BELABOR THEM.
BUT WE WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS.

LET'S NOT BELABOR THEM.
BUT WE WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS.
I ORGANIZED THE BANGLADESH

BUT WE WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS.
I ORGANIZED THE BANGLADESH
CONCERT AS PART OF MY "FEED THE

I ORGANIZED THE BANGLADESH
CONCERT AS PART OF MY "FEED THE
CHILDREN" PROGRAM.

CONCERT AS PART OF MY "FEED THE
CHILDREN" PROGRAM.
I THINK A LOT OF THAT "FEED

CHILDREN" PROGRAM.
I THINK A LOT OF THAT "FEED
THE CHILDREN" MONEY IS STILL IN

I THINK A LOT OF THAT "FEED
THE CHILDREN" MONEY IS STILL IN
ESCROW, I THINK.

THE CHILDREN" MONEY IS STILL IN
ESCROW, I THINK.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AL?

ESCROW, I THINK.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AL?
THAT'S RIGHT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AL?
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WISH YOU HADN'T MENTIONED

THAT'S RIGHT.
I WISH YOU HADN'T MENTIONED
THAT.

I WISH YOU HADN'T MENTIONED
THAT.
THEN, OF COURSE, I WAS IN

THAT.
THEN, OF COURSE, I WAS IN
VIRTUAL SECLUSION, EXCEPT FOR MY

THEN, OF COURSE, I WAS IN
VIRTUAL SECLUSION, EXCEPT FOR MY
ANNUAL TOM DAVIS DESERT CLASSIC,

VIRTUAL SECLUSION, EXCEPT FOR MY
ANNUAL TOM DAVIS DESERT CLASSIC,
AND HERE I AM WITH

ANNUAL TOM DAVIS DESERT CLASSIC,
AND HERE I AM WITH
CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ, AND, BOY,

AND HERE I AM WITH
CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ, AND, BOY,
WHAT A GAME HE HAD THAT DAY.

CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ, AND, BOY,
WHAT A GAME HE HAD THAT DAY.
BOY, WHAT A ROUND.

WHAT A GAME HE HAD THAT DAY.
BOY, WHAT A ROUND.
AND, OF COURSE, AS SHOW BUSINESS

BOY, WHAT A ROUND.
AND, OF COURSE, AS SHOW BUSINESS
LEGEND HAS IT, WE WERE BROUGHT

AND, OF COURSE, AS SHOW BUSINESS
LEGEND HAS IT, WE WERE BROUGHT
BACK TOGETHER BY OUR CLOSE AND

LEGEND HAS IT, WE WERE BROUGHT
BACK TOGETHER BY OUR CLOSE AND
DEAR FRIEND, JACQUELINE ONASSIS.

BACK TOGETHER BY OUR CLOSE AND
DEAR FRIEND, JACQUELINE ONASSIS.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND AS A MATTER

DEAR FRIEND, JACQUELINE ONASSIS.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND AS A MATTER
OF FACT, TONIGHT, THAT'S OUR

THAT'S RIGHT, AND AS A MATTER
OF FACT, TONIGHT, THAT'S OUR
SPECIAL GUEST STAR ON "THE

OF FACT, TONIGHT, THAT'S OUR
SPECIAL GUEST STAR ON "THE
FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW."

SPECIAL GUEST STAR ON "THE
FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW."
WON'T YOU GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO

FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW."
WON'T YOU GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO
JACKIE ONASSIS?

WON'T YOU GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO
JACKIE ONASSIS?
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

JACKIE ONASSIS?
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
[APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
[APPLAUSE]
HI.

[APPLAUSE]
HI.
HI, JACKIE.

HI.
HI, JACKIE.
HI.

HI, JACKIE.
HI.
HI, AL. HI, TOM.

HI.
HI, AL. HI, TOM.
YOUR COSTUME AND MAKEUP ARE

HI, AL. HI, TOM.
YOUR COSTUME AND MAKEUP ARE
STUNNING, JACKIE, AS USUAL.

YOUR COSTUME AND MAKEUP ARE
STUNNING, JACKIE, AS USUAL.
THANK YOU.

STUNNING, JACKIE, AS USUAL.
THANK YOU.
JACKIE, AS YOU KNOW... AS YOU

THANK YOU.
JACKIE, AS YOU KNOW... AS YOU
WELL KNOW, I WAS A GREAT ADMIRER

JACKIE, AS YOU KNOW... AS YOU
WELL KNOW, I WAS A GREAT ADMIRER
OF YOUR LATE HUSBAND.

WELL KNOW, I WAS A GREAT ADMIRER
OF YOUR LATE HUSBAND.
WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL GREAT

OF YOUR LATE HUSBAND.
WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL GREAT
ADMIRERS OF HIM.

WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL GREAT
ADMIRERS OF HIM.
WELL, I THINK EVERYONE

ADMIRERS OF HIM.
WELL, I THINK EVERYONE
REMEMBERS WHERE HE OR SHE WAS

WELL, I THINK EVERYONE
REMEMBERS WHERE HE OR SHE WAS
WHEN ARISTOTLE ONASSIS DIED.

REMEMBERS WHERE HE OR SHE WAS
WHEN ARISTOTLE ONASSIS DIED.
I KNOW I DO.

WHEN ARISTOTLE ONASSIS DIED.
I KNOW I DO.
TOM AND I WERE AT NBC BURBANK,

I KNOW I DO.
TOM AND I WERE AT NBC BURBANK,
TAPING A "GOLDDIGGERS" SPECIAL,

TOM AND I WERE AT NBC BURBANK,
TAPING A "GOLDDIGGERS" SPECIAL,
AS A MATTER OF FACT.

TAPING A "GOLDDIGGERS" SPECIAL,
AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THAT'S RIGHT, AL.

AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THAT'S RIGHT, AL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T FOR

THAT'S RIGHT, AL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T FOR
THIS LADY RIGHT HERE, I WOULDN'T

BUT, YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T FOR
THIS LADY RIGHT HERE, I WOULDN'T
BE HERE TONIGHT, BECAUSE ABOUT A

THIS LADY RIGHT HERE, I WOULDN'T
BE HERE TONIGHT, BECAUSE ABOUT A
YEAR AGO, LAST THANKSGIVING, I

BE HERE TONIGHT, BECAUSE ABOUT A
YEAR AGO, LAST THANKSGIVING, I
ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH.

YEAR AGO, LAST THANKSGIVING, I
ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH.
THAT'S RIGHT.

ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SEE, I HAD JUST INVITED A

THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU SEE, I HAD JUST INVITED A
LOT OF SHOW-BUSINESS AND

YOU SEE, I HAD JUST INVITED A
LOT OF SHOW-BUSINESS AND
CELEBRITY FRIENDS OVER FOR A BIG

LOT OF SHOW-BUSINESS AND
CELEBRITY FRIENDS OVER FOR A BIG
THANKSGIVING DINNER, AND JACKIE

CELEBRITY FRIENDS OVER FOR A BIG
THANKSGIVING DINNER, AND JACKIE
JUST HAPPENED TO DROP BY.

THANKSGIVING DINNER, AND JACKIE
JUST HAPPENED TO DROP BY.
FORTUNATELY, WE HAD ENOUGH

JUST HAPPENED TO DROP BY.
FORTUNATELY, WE HAD ENOUGH
FOOD... FORTUNATELY FOR ME.

FORTUNATELY, WE HAD ENOUGH
FOOD... FORTUNATELY FOR ME.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

FOOD... FORTUNATELY FOR ME.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
THIS PART... THIS PART IS

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
THIS PART... THIS PART IS
REALLY GOING TO KILL YOU!

THIS PART... THIS PART IS
REALLY GOING TO KILL YOU!
SO, THE GUY SAYS...

REALLY GOING TO KILL YOU!
SO, THE GUY SAYS...
SAY, WAIT A MINUTE.

SO, THE GUY SAYS...
SAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WOULD EVERYBODY PLEASE HURRY UP

SAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WOULD EVERYBODY PLEASE HURRY UP
AND EAT?

WOULD EVERYBODY PLEASE HURRY UP
AND EAT?
BECAUSE WE ONLY GOT 20 MINUTES

AND EAT?
BECAUSE WE ONLY GOT 20 MINUTES
TILL KICKOFF, AND I WANT TO

BECAUSE WE ONLY GOT 20 MINUTES
TILL KICKOFF, AND I WANT TO
WATCH THAT GAME.

TILL KICKOFF, AND I WANT TO
WATCH THAT GAME.
TOM, TOM, YOU INTERRUPTED

WATCH THAT GAME.
TOM, TOM, YOU INTERRUPTED
JACKIE'S JOKE ABOUT THE

TOM, TOM, YOU INTERRUPTED
JACKIE'S JOKE ABOUT THE
500-POUND GORILLA.

JACKIE'S JOKE ABOUT THE
500-POUND GORILLA.
I'M SORRY, JACKIE. GO AHEAD.

500-POUND GORILLA.
I'M SORRY, JACKIE. GO AHEAD.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, JACKIE. GO AHEAD.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
SO, THE GUY SAYS, "ANYWHERE HE

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
SO, THE GUY SAYS, "ANYWHERE HE
WANTS."

SO, THE GUY SAYS, "ANYWHERE HE
WANTS."
[LAUGHTER]

WANTS."
[LAUGHTER]
OH!

[LAUGHTER]
OH!
LOOK AT THE FUNNY FACES TOM'S

OH!
LOOK AT THE FUNNY FACES TOM'S
MAKING!

LOOK AT THE FUNNY FACES TOM'S
MAKING!
[LAUGHTER]

MAKING!
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TOM?

WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TOM?
CHARADES?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TOM?
CHARADES?
CHARADES? OKAY! OKAY!

CHARADES?
CHARADES? OKAY! OKAY!
WONDERFUL!

CHARADES? OKAY! OKAY!
WONDERFUL!
FIRST WORD!

WONDERFUL!
FIRST WORD!
FIRST WORD SOUNDS LIKE... SOUNDS

FIRST WORD!
FIRST WORD SOUNDS LIKE... SOUNDS
LIKE "NECK"!

FIRST WORD SOUNDS LIKE... SOUNDS
LIKE "NECK"!
"COLLAR"!

LIKE "NECK"!
"COLLAR"!
"THROAT"!

"COLLAR"!
"THROAT"!
UH, UH, "CHOKING"!

"THROAT"!
UH, UH, "CHOKING"!
SOUNDS LIKE "CHOKING"!

UH, UH, "CHOKING"!
SOUNDS LIKE "CHOKING"!
UH, "TOKING"?

SOUNDS LIKE "CHOKING"!
UH, "TOKING"?
"SMOKING"!

UH, "TOKING"?
"SMOKING"!
OH, TOM'S JOKING!

"SMOKING"!
OH, TOM'S JOKING!
HE'S JOKING!

OH, TOM'S JOKING!
HE'S JOKING!
[LAUGHTER]

HE'S JOKING!
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT.

WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT.
HE'S WRITING SOMETHING WITH THE

WAIT.
HE'S WRITING SOMETHING WITH THE
GRAVY BOAT.

HE'S WRITING SOMETHING WITH THE
GRAVY BOAT.
WHAT IS IT?

GRAVY BOAT.
WHAT IS IT?
OH!

WHAT IS IT?
OH!
"CHICKEN"! "CHICKEN"!

OH!
"CHICKEN"! "CHICKEN"!
"CHICK..."

"CHICKEN"! "CHICKEN"!
"CHICK..."
"CHICKEN"?

"CHICK..."
"CHICKEN"?
"CHUN-KING."

"CHICKEN"?
"CHUN-KING."
YOU WANT SOME CHINESE FOOD?

"CHUN-KING."
YOU WANT SOME CHINESE FOOD?
"TOKYO"!

YOU WANT SOME CHINESE FOOD?
"TOKYO"!
NO.

"TOKYO"!
NO.
"CHO."

NO.
"CHO."
"KING."

"CHO."
"KING."
All: "CHO."

"KING."
All: "CHO."
"KING."

All: "CHO."
"KING."
"CHO." "KING."

"KING."
"CHO." "KING."
"CHOKING."

"CHO." "KING."
"CHOKING."
"CHOKING."

"CHOKING."
"CHOKING."
OH, MY GOD! TOM'S CHOKING!

"CHOKING."
OH, MY GOD! TOM'S CHOKING!
HE'S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!

OH, MY GOD! TOM'S CHOKING!
HE'S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!
WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!

HE'S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!
WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!
WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!

WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!
WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?!

WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?!
WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?!
WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?
WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU AND DANCE

WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU AND DANCE
WITH YOU AND GRAB YOU.

YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU AND DANCE
WITH YOU AND GRAB YOU.
NO? NO?

WITH YOU AND GRAB YOU.
NO? NO?
OH, NO, WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

NO? NO?
OH, NO, WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
I UNDERSTAND! WAIT A MINUTE!

OH, NO, WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
I UNDERSTAND! WAIT A MINUTE!
LIKE THIS! GO!

I UNDERSTAND! WAIT A MINUTE!
LIKE THIS! GO!
[GRUNTS]

LIKE THIS! GO!
[GRUNTS]
All: UGH!

[GRUNTS]
All: UGH!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

All: UGH!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
THANKS A LOT! GOOD NIGHT!

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
THANKS A LOT! GOOD NIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT!

THANKS A LOT! GOOD NIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

GOOD NIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, OF COURSE, WE ALL KNOW
HOW MUCH IMPORTANCE RESTS ON
YOUR DECISION ABOUT WHO WILL BE

HOW MUCH IMPORTANCE RESTS ON
YOUR DECISION ABOUT WHO WILL BE
THE FINALIST WHO WILL ULTIMATELY

YOUR DECISION ABOUT WHO WILL BE
THE FINALIST WHO WILL ULTIMATELY
HOST THE CHRISTMAS-EVENING SHOW.

THE FINALIST WHO WILL ULTIMATELY
HOST THE CHRISTMAS-EVENING SHOW.
AND THERE'S A GREAT DEAL AT

HOST THE CHRISTMAS-EVENING SHOW.
AND THERE'S A GREAT DEAL AT
STAKE FOR EACH OF THESE FIVE

AND THERE'S A GREAT DEAL AT
STAKE FOR EACH OF THESE FIVE
WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

STAKE FOR EACH OF THESE FIVE
WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE RELYING ON YOU

WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE RELYING ON YOU
TO MAKE THE DECISION ULTIMATELY

THAT'S WHY WE'RE RELYING ON YOU
TO MAKE THE DECISION ULTIMATELY
FOR US.

TO MAKE THE DECISION ULTIMATELY
FOR US.
WHEN THEY FIRST CAME HERE A FEW

FOR US.
WHEN THEY FIRST CAME HERE A FEW
DAYS AGO IN ORDER TO APPEAR ON

WHEN THEY FIRST CAME HERE A FEW
DAYS AGO IN ORDER TO APPEAR ON
THE SHOW, WE SPENT SOME TIME

DAYS AGO IN ORDER TO APPEAR ON
THE SHOW, WE SPENT SOME TIME
TALKING TO THEM.

THE SHOW, WE SPENT SOME TIME
TALKING TO THEM.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS THIS.

TALKING TO THEM.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS THIS.
THE DAY BEFORE THEY CAME TO THE

WHAT HAPPENED WAS THIS.
THE DAY BEFORE THEY CAME TO THE
FIRST RUN-THROUGH OF THE SHOW,

THE DAY BEFORE THEY CAME TO THE
FIRST RUN-THROUGH OF THE SHOW,
EACH OF THEM, ODDLY AND

FIRST RUN-THROUGH OF THE SHOW,
EACH OF THEM, ODDLY AND
APPARENTLY NOT KNOWING THE

EACH OF THEM, ODDLY AND
APPARENTLY NOT KNOWING THE
OTHERS HAD DONE IT, GAVE ME A

APPARENTLY NOT KNOWING THE
OTHERS HAD DONE IT, GAVE ME A
CALL IN THE HOTEL... THE

OTHERS HAD DONE IT, GAVE ME A
CALL IN THE HOTEL... THE
BEAUTIFUL ESSEX HOUSE, WHERE

CALL IN THE HOTEL... THE
BEAUTIFUL ESSEX HOUSE, WHERE
WE'RE ALL STAYING.

BEAUTIFUL ESSEX HOUSE, WHERE
WE'RE ALL STAYING.
AND EACH ONE SAID, "I WONDER IF

WE'RE ALL STAYING.
AND EACH ONE SAID, "I WONDER IF
I COULD HAVE A COUPLE OF MINUTES

AND EACH ONE SAID, "I WONDER IF
I COULD HAVE A COUPLE OF MINUTES
ALONE WITH YOU, BUCK."

I COULD HAVE A COUPLE OF MINUTES
ALONE WITH YOU, BUCK."
I ASSUMED IT WAS TO ASK ABOUT

ALONE WITH YOU, BUCK."
I ASSUMED IT WAS TO ASK ABOUT
THE SHOW, TO ASK ABOUT THEIR

I ASSUMED IT WAS TO ASK ABOUT
THE SHOW, TO ASK ABOUT THEIR
PERFORMANCE, TO GIVE THEM AN

THE SHOW, TO ASK ABOUT THEIR
PERFORMANCE, TO GIVE THEM AN
IDEA OF WHAT WE WERE RELYING ON

PERFORMANCE, TO GIVE THEM AN
IDEA OF WHAT WE WERE RELYING ON
THEM TO DO WHEN THEY CAME HERE

IDEA OF WHAT WE WERE RELYING ON
THEM TO DO WHEN THEY CAME HERE
TONIGHT.

THEM TO DO WHEN THEY CAME HERE
TONIGHT.
SO, I SAID, "SURE, COME ON UP,"

TONIGHT.
SO, I SAID, "SURE, COME ON UP,"
AND I HAD EACH OF THEM COME UP

SO, I SAID, "SURE, COME ON UP,"
AND I HAD EACH OF THEM COME UP
ONE AT A TIME.

AND I HAD EACH OF THEM COME UP
ONE AT A TIME.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I CALLED

ONE AT A TIME.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I CALLED
GARY WEIS, AND HE AND HIS CRACK

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I CALLED
GARY WEIS, AND HE AND HIS CRACK
FILM CREW CAME UP AND HID A

GARY WEIS, AND HE AND HIS CRACK
FILM CREW CAME UP AND HID A
CAMERA IN THE LIVING ROOM OF MY

FILM CREW CAME UP AND HID A
CAMERA IN THE LIVING ROOM OF MY
LAVISH SUITE.

CAMERA IN THE LIVING ROOM OF MY
LAVISH SUITE.
AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE NOW

LAVISH SUITE.
AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE NOW
IS WHAT ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE

AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE NOW
IS WHAT ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE
WHEN EACH OF THE FIVE FINALISTS

IS WHAT ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE
WHEN EACH OF THE FIVE FINALISTS
CAME TO VISIT ME IN MY SUITE.

WHEN EACH OF THE FIVE FINALISTS
CAME TO VISIT ME IN MY SUITE.
[APPLAUSE]

CAME TO VISIT ME IN MY SUITE.
[APPLAUSE]
HEY, CONNIE.

[APPLAUSE]
HEY, CONNIE.
HI.

HEY, CONNIE.
HI.
CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING ONE

HI.
CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING ONE
OF THE FINALISTS.

CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING ONE
OF THE FINALISTS.
THANK YOU.

OF THE FINALISTS.
THANK YOU.
IT'S TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU.
IT'S TERRIFIC.
OH, I KNOW.

IT'S TERRIFIC.
OH, I KNOW.
[CHUCKLES]

OH, I KNOW.
[CHUCKLES]
I GUESS EVERYONE UP AT, UH...

[CHUCKLES]
I GUESS EVERYONE UP AT, UH...
VASSAR.

I GUESS EVERYONE UP AT, UH...
VASSAR.
AT VASSAR IS PRETTY EXCITED

VASSAR.
AT VASSAR IS PRETTY EXCITED
ABOUT IT?

AT VASSAR IS PRETTY EXCITED
ABOUT IT?
MOST DEFINITELY.

ABOUT IT?
MOST DEFINITELY.
THEY'RE ALL, YOU KNOW, QUITE

MOST DEFINITELY.
THEY'RE ALL, YOU KNOW, QUITE
EXCITED.

THEY'RE ALL, YOU KNOW, QUITE
EXCITED.
I AM, TOO.

EXCITED.
I AM, TOO.
THIS IS A BIG THING FOR ME.

I AM, TOO.
THIS IS A BIG THING FOR ME.
OH, WELL, IT'S NICE FOR US,

THIS IS A BIG THING FOR ME.
OH, WELL, IT'S NICE FOR US,
TOO.

OH, WELL, IT'S NICE FOR US,
TOO.
I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT

TOO.
I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT
YOU'RE THE HOST.

I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT
YOU'RE THE HOST.
GEEZ, IF ANYONE ELSE WAS THE

YOU'RE THE HOST.
GEEZ, IF ANYONE ELSE WAS THE
HOST, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO

GEEZ, IF ANYONE ELSE WAS THE
HOST, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO.

HOST, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO.
I WOULDN'T... I DON'T KNOW.

DO.
I WOULDN'T... I DON'T KNOW.
I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL

I WOULDN'T... I DON'T KNOW.
I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL
COMFORTABLE WITH THEM, BUT

I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL
COMFORTABLE WITH THEM, BUT
SOMEHOW WITH YOU, I'M INSTANTLY

COMFORTABLE WITH THEM, BUT
SOMEHOW WITH YOU, I'M INSTANTLY
COMFORTABLE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I

SOMEHOW WITH YOU, I'M INSTANTLY
COMFORTABLE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN.

COMFORTABLE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN.
MM-HMM.

MEAN.
MM-HMM.
ARE YOU SORT OF INTERESTED IN

MM-HMM.
ARE YOU SORT OF INTERESTED IN
BECOMING A HOST?

ARE YOU SORT OF INTERESTED IN
BECOMING A HOST?
OH, AM I INTERESTED!

BECOMING A HOST?
OH, AM I INTERESTED!
[CHUCKLES]

OH, AM I INTERESTED!
[CHUCKLES]
I'VE NEVER BEEN AS INTERESTED IN

[CHUCKLES]
I'VE NEVER BEEN AS INTERESTED IN
MY LIFE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN AS INTERESTED IN
MY LIFE.
DO ME A FAVOR, JUST ONE LITTLE

MY LIFE.
DO ME A FAVOR, JUST ONE LITTLE
FAVOR.

DO ME A FAVOR, JUST ONE LITTLE
FAVOR.
TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.

FAVOR.
TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.
AH, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE.

TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.
AH, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE.
WELL, CONNIE...

AH, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE.
WELL, CONNIE...
BUCKY BOY.

WELL, CONNIE...
BUCKY BOY.
YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME FOR

BUCKY BOY.
YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME FOR
A COUPLE MINUTES ABOUT

YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME FOR
A COUPLE MINUTES ABOUT
SOMETHING.

A COUPLE MINUTES ABOUT
SOMETHING.
WELL, YES.

SOMETHING.
WELL, YES.
WHEN I CAME OVER ON THE PLANE, I

WELL, YES.
WHEN I CAME OVER ON THE PLANE, I
WAS JUST THINKING HOW GOOD LIFE

WHEN I CAME OVER ON THE PLANE, I
WAS JUST THINKING HOW GOOD LIFE
IS, AND WALKING THROUGH THE

WAS JUST THINKING HOW GOOD LIFE
IS, AND WALKING THROUGH THE
OREGON WOODS AND THE TREES TALL,

IS, AND WALKING THROUGH THE
OREGON WOODS AND THE TREES TALL,
AND THE AIR SMELLS SO GOOD, AND

OREGON WOODS AND THE TREES TALL,
AND THE AIR SMELLS SO GOOD, AND
PINE AND THE AIR RIGHT AFTER

AND THE AIR SMELLS SO GOOD, AND
PINE AND THE AIR RIGHT AFTER
IT'S RAINED... IT JUST SMELLS SO

PINE AND THE AIR RIGHT AFTER
IT'S RAINED... IT JUST SMELLS SO
FRESH, AND THE CANADIAN GEESE

IT'S RAINED... IT JUST SMELLS SO
FRESH, AND THE CANADIAN GEESE
FLYING OVER.

FRESH, AND THE CANADIAN GEESE
FLYING OVER.
AND EVEN IF IT'S OVERCAST, YOU

FLYING OVER.
AND EVEN IF IT'S OVERCAST, YOU
JUST FEEL GOOD WALKING IN THE

AND EVEN IF IT'S OVERCAST, YOU
JUST FEEL GOOD WALKING IN THE
WOODS.

JUST FEEL GOOD WALKING IN THE
WOODS.
AND THE ANIMALS... CHIPMUNKS AND

WOODS.
AND THE ANIMALS... CHIPMUNKS AND
LITTLE BIRDS... I MEAN, THEY

AND THE ANIMALS... CHIPMUNKS AND
LITTLE BIRDS... I MEAN, THEY
PRACTICALLY EAT OUT OF YOUR...

LITTLE BIRDS... I MEAN, THEY
PRACTICALLY EAT OUT OF YOUR...
YOU CAN JUST PICK THEM UP AND

PRACTICALLY EAT OUT OF YOUR...
YOU CAN JUST PICK THEM UP AND
SQUEEZE THEM UNTIL THEIR EYES

YOU CAN JUST PICK THEM UP AND
SQUEEZE THEM UNTIL THEIR EYES
POP OUT OF THEIR LITTLE...

SQUEEZE THEM UNTIL THEIR EYES
POP OUT OF THEIR LITTLE...
NICE... NICE...

POP OUT OF THEIR LITTLE...
NICE... NICE...
NICE TALKING TO YOU, DAVID.

NICE... NICE...
NICE TALKING TO YOU, DAVID.
YOU KNOW, I'M DIVORCED, AND I

NICE TALKING TO YOU, DAVID.
YOU KNOW, I'M DIVORCED, AND I
HAVE THREE SONS THAT I'M TRYING

YOU KNOW, I'M DIVORCED, AND I
HAVE THREE SONS THAT I'M TRYING
TO RAISE ALONE.

HAVE THREE SONS THAT I'M TRYING
TO RAISE ALONE.
AND THAT'S WHY I ENTERED THE

TO RAISE ALONE.
AND THAT'S WHY I ENTERED THE
CONTEST... BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA

AND THAT'S WHY I ENTERED THE
CONTEST... BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA
BE ABLE TO AFFORD CHRISTMAS THIS

CONTEST... BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA
BE ABLE TO AFFORD CHRISTMAS THIS
YEAR.

BE ABLE TO AFFORD CHRISTMAS THIS
YEAR.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]

YEAR.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
I'M SORRY.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]
I'M SORRY.
WELL, THANKS FOR COMING UP,

I'M SORRY.
WELL, THANKS FOR COMING UP,
DEB.

WELL, THANKS FOR COMING UP,
DEB.
DO YOU THINK I CAN WIN NOW?

DEB.
DO YOU THINK I CAN WIN NOW?
THANK YOU.

DO YOU THINK I CAN WIN NOW?
THANK YOU.
NOW, WE'VE GOT SOME GOLD

THANK YOU.
NOW, WE'VE GOT SOME GOLD
MINES IN SOUTH DAKOTA...

NOW, WE'VE GOT SOME GOLD
MINES IN SOUTH DAKOTA...
HOMESTAKE GOLD MINE, THE LARGEST

MINES IN SOUTH DAKOTA...
HOMESTAKE GOLD MINE, THE LARGEST
GOLD MINE IN THE WESTERN

HOMESTAKE GOLD MINE, THE LARGEST
GOLD MINE IN THE WESTERN
HEMISPHERE.

GOLD MINE IN THE WESTERN
HEMISPHERE.
THE STATE HAS BEEN LOOKING AT

HEMISPHERE.
THE STATE HAS BEEN LOOKING AT
THAT FOR SOME TIME NOW, AND IF

THE STATE HAS BEEN LOOKING AT
THAT FOR SOME TIME NOW, AND IF
WE DID TAKE IT OVER, I THOUGHT

THAT FOR SOME TIME NOW, AND IF
WE DID TAKE IT OVER, I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE THE

WE DID TAKE IT OVER, I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE THE
SECRETARY OF MINING.

MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE THE
SECRETARY OF MINING.
WOULD THAT YOU HELP YOU MAKE A

SECRETARY OF MINING.
WOULD THAT YOU HELP YOU MAKE A
DECISION?

WOULD THAT YOU HELP YOU MAKE A
DECISION?
IS THERE A SECRETARY OF

DECISION?
IS THERE A SECRETARY OF
MINING?

IS THERE A SECRETARY OF
MINING?
BUCK, NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT

MINING?
BUCK, NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT
DEPENDING ON WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN

BUCK, NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT
DEPENDING ON WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN
IN THE CASE OF HOSTING THIS

DEPENDING ON WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN
IN THE CASE OF HOSTING THIS
SHOW, WE MIGHT THINK ABOUT

IN THE CASE OF HOSTING THIS
SHOW, WE MIGHT THINK ABOUT
CREATING A NEW POSITION IN THE

SHOW, WE MIGHT THINK ABOUT
CREATING A NEW POSITION IN THE
CABINET.

CREATING A NEW POSITION IN THE
CABINET.
WHAT'S THAT, GOVERNOR?

CABINET.
WHAT'S THAT, GOVERNOR?
THAT'S BLACK HILLS GOLD,

WHAT'S THAT, GOVERNOR?
THAT'S BLACK HILLS GOLD,
BUCK.

THAT'S BLACK HILLS GOLD,
BUCK.
IT'S A VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL

BUCK.
IT'S A VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL
RING.

IT'S A VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL
RING.
WOULD THAT HELP?

RING.
WOULD THAT HELP?
WELL, I... YOU MEAN LET ME

WOULD THAT HELP?
WELL, I... YOU MEAN LET ME
WEAR IT FOR A BIT?

WELL, I... YOU MEAN LET ME
WEAR IT FOR A BIT?
WELL, YEAH, JUST TAKE A LOOK

WEAR IT FOR A BIT?
WELL, YEAH, JUST TAKE A LOOK
AT IT AND MAYBE THINK ABOUT THE

WELL, YEAH, JUST TAKE A LOOK
AT IT AND MAYBE THINK ABOUT THE
OFFER I JUST MADE YOU.

AT IT AND MAYBE THINK ABOUT THE
OFFER I JUST MADE YOU.
GEE, GOVERNOR, THIS IS KIND

OFFER I JUST MADE YOU.
GEE, GOVERNOR, THIS IS KIND
OF AN INSIGHT INTO POLITICS FOR

GEE, GOVERNOR, THIS IS KIND
OF AN INSIGHT INTO POLITICS FOR
ME.

OF AN INSIGHT INTO POLITICS FOR
ME.
YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT

ME.
YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT
SOMETHING?

YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT
SOMETHING?
I HAVE MET THE OTHER FOUR

SOMETHING?
I HAVE MET THE OTHER FOUR
CONTESTANTS, AND I THINK THEY'RE

I HAVE MET THE OTHER FOUR
CONTESTANTS, AND I THINK THEY'RE
WONDERFUL.

CONTESTANTS, AND I THINK THEY'RE
WONDERFUL.
I THINK ANY OF THEM WOULD BE

WONDERFUL.
I THINK ANY OF THEM WOULD BE
GOOD.

I THINK ANY OF THEM WOULD BE
GOOD.
MM-HMM.

GOOD.
MM-HMM.
I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE

MM-HMM.
I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE
WITH YOUR DECISION-MAKING

I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE
WITH YOUR DECISION-MAKING
PROCESS IN ANY WAY.

WITH YOUR DECISION-MAKING
PROCESS IN ANY WAY.
YEAH?

PROCESS IN ANY WAY.
YEAH?
I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE

YEAH?
I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE
WITH THE WAY THE HOST IS

I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE
WITH THE WAY THE HOST IS
SELECTED DURING CHRISTMAS.

WITH THE WAY THE HOST IS
SELECTED DURING CHRISTMAS.
MM-HMM.

SELECTED DURING CHRISTMAS.
MM-HMM.
SOMETHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN

MM-HMM.
SOMETHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN
AROUND NEW YEAR'S.

SOMETHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN
AROUND NEW YEAR'S.
WHAT'S THAT?

AROUND NEW YEAR'S.
WHAT'S THAT?
I'M GOING TO KICK.

["PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME
WHEN I'M GONE" PLAYS]

♪ PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME
WHEN I'M GONE ♪
♪ OH, HONEY ♪

WHEN I'M GONE ♪
♪ OH, HONEY ♪
♪ THOUGH OUR FRIENDSHIP CEASES

♪ OH, HONEY ♪
♪ THOUGH OUR FRIENDSHIP CEASES
FROM NOW ON ♪

♪ THOUGH OUR FRIENDSHIP CEASES
FROM NOW ON ♪
♪ IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING REAL

FROM NOW ON ♪
♪ IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING REAL
NICE ♪

♪ IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING REAL
NICE ♪
♪ IT'S BETTER NOT TO TALK AT

NICE ♪
♪ IT'S BETTER NOT TO TALK AT
ALL ♪

♪ IT'S BETTER NOT TO TALK AT
ALL ♪
♪ THAT'S MY ADVICE ♪

ALL ♪
♪ THAT'S MY ADVICE ♪
♪ YOU GO YOUR WAY ♪

♪ THAT'S MY ADVICE ♪
♪ YOU GO YOUR WAY ♪
♪ I'LL GO MINE ♪

♪ YOU GO YOUR WAY ♪
♪ I'LL GO MINE ♪
♪ BEST WE DO ♪

♪ I'LL GO MINE ♪
♪ BEST WE DO ♪
♪ HERE'S A KISS ♪

♪ BEST WE DO ♪
♪ HERE'S A KISS ♪
♪ I HOPE THAT THIS ♪

♪ HERE'S A KISS ♪
♪ I HOPE THAT THIS ♪
♪ BRINGS LOTS OF LUCK TO YOU ♪

♪ I HOPE THAT THIS ♪
♪ BRINGS LOTS OF LUCK TO YOU ♪
♪ MAKES NO DIFFERENCE HOW I

♪ BRINGS LOTS OF LUCK TO YOU ♪
♪ MAKES NO DIFFERENCE HOW I
CARRY ON ♪

♪ MAKES NO DIFFERENCE HOW I
CARRY ON ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME

CARRY ON ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME
WHEN I'M GONE ♪

♪ PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME
WHEN I'M GONE ♪
[HUMMING]

[HUMMING CONTINUES]

♪ YOU GO YOUR WAY ♪
♪ I'LL GO MINE ♪
♪ BEST WE DO ♪

♪ I'LL GO MINE ♪
♪ BEST WE DO ♪
♪ HERE'S A KISS ♪

♪ BEST WE DO ♪
♪ HERE'S A KISS ♪
♪ I HOPE THAT THIS ♪

♪ HERE'S A KISS ♪
♪ I HOPE THAT THIS ♪
♪ BRINGS LOTS OF LUCK TO YOU ♪

♪ I HOPE THAT THIS ♪
♪ BRINGS LOTS OF LUCK TO YOU ♪
♪ MAKES NO DIFFERENCE HOW I

♪ BRINGS LOTS OF LUCK TO YOU ♪
♪ MAKES NO DIFFERENCE HOW I
CARRY ON ♪

♪ MAKES NO DIFFERENCE HOW I
CARRY ON ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME

CARRY ON ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME
WHEN I'M GONE ♪

♪ PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME
WHEN I'M GONE ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

[MUSIC STOPS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: BECAUSE OF THE
SUBJECT MATTER, THE FOLLOWING
FILM BY TOM SCHILLER WILL BE

SUBJECT MATTER, THE FOLLOWING
FILM BY TOM SCHILLER WILL BE
PRESENTED IN BLACK AND WHITE.

I CAN REMEMBER THE NURSES
SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT "CODE
PINK."

SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT "CODE
PINK."
AND THEN CLEARLY I REMEMBER ONE

PINK."
AND THEN CLEARLY I REMEMBER ONE
OF THE DOCTORS SAYING, "HE'S

AND THEN CLEARLY I REMEMBER ONE
OF THE DOCTORS SAYING, "HE'S
GONE."

OF THE DOCTORS SAYING, "HE'S
GONE."
I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY

GONE."
I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY
COULD BE SO WORRIED WHEN I FELT

I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY
COULD BE SO WORRIED WHEN I FELT
SO HAPPY TO BE OUTSIDE OF MY

COULD BE SO WORRIED WHEN I FELT
SO HAPPY TO BE OUTSIDE OF MY
BODY AND SO PEACEFUL.

SO HAPPY TO BE OUTSIDE OF MY
BODY AND SO PEACEFUL.
IT WAS FABULOUS.

BODY AND SO PEACEFUL.
IT WAS FABULOUS.
EVERYTHING WAS BATHED IN AN

IT WAS FABULOUS.
EVERYTHING WAS BATHED IN AN
EERIE WHITE LIGHT.

EVERYTHING WAS BATHED IN AN
EERIE WHITE LIGHT.
SUDDENLY, I FOUND MYSELF IN A

EERIE WHITE LIGHT.
SUDDENLY, I FOUND MYSELF IN A
HUGE WHITE ROOM...

SUDDENLY, I FOUND MYSELF IN A
HUGE WHITE ROOM...
WHERE I HAD TO TAKE A NUMBER AND

HUGE WHITE ROOM...
WHERE I HAD TO TAKE A NUMBER AND
BE SEATED.

WHERE I HAD TO TAKE A NUMBER AND
BE SEATED.
I MUST HAVE DIED BECAUSE I

BE SEATED.
I MUST HAVE DIED BECAUSE I
RECOGNIZED THAT MY BODY WAS

I MUST HAVE DIED BECAUSE I
RECOGNIZED THAT MY BODY WAS
RISING UP LIKE AN ELEVATOR, AND

RECOGNIZED THAT MY BODY WAS
RISING UP LIKE AN ELEVATOR, AND
I WAS PASSING THROUGH THESE

RISING UP LIKE AN ELEVATOR, AND
I WAS PASSING THROUGH THESE
REALMS OF LIGHT AND TIME AND

I WAS PASSING THROUGH THESE
REALMS OF LIGHT AND TIME AND
SPACE.

REALMS OF LIGHT AND TIME AND
SPACE.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I CAME TO

SPACE.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I CAME TO
THIS AREA, WHICH WAS FILLED

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I CAME TO
THIS AREA, WHICH WAS FILLED
BLINDINGLY WITH LIGHT AND ENERGY

THIS AREA, WHICH WAS FILLED
BLINDINGLY WITH LIGHT AND ENERGY
AND SPACE.

BLINDINGLY WITH LIGHT AND ENERGY
AND SPACE.
THEN I HAD TO TAKE A NUMBER AND

AND SPACE.
THEN I HAD TO TAKE A NUMBER AND
SIT DOWN.

THEN I HAD TO TAKE A NUMBER AND
SIT DOWN.
I WAS FLYING DOWN THIS

SIT DOWN.
I WAS FLYING DOWN THIS
CORRIDOR WITH THIS BLUE LIGHT,

I WAS FLYING DOWN THIS
CORRIDOR WITH THIS BLUE LIGHT,
AND, UM, I ENDED UP IN THIS

CORRIDOR WITH THIS BLUE LIGHT,
AND, UM, I ENDED UP IN THIS
ROOM WHERE I HAD TO REACH UP

AND, UM, I ENDED UP IN THIS
ROOM WHERE I HAD TO REACH UP
AND TAKE A NUMBER AND THEN SIT

ROOM WHERE I HAD TO REACH UP
AND TAKE A NUMBER AND THEN SIT
DOWN.

THE DATE OF THE SHOW THAT
WILL BE HOSTED BY THE ONE THAT
YOU SELECT WILL BE DECEMBER

WILL BE HOSTED BY THE ONE THAT
YOU SELECT WILL BE DECEMBER
17th.

YOU SELECT WILL BE DECEMBER
17th.
IN THIS COPY OF TV GUIDE, THE

17th.
IN THIS COPY OF TV GUIDE, THE
ONE THAT'S OUT THIS WEEK, THERE

IN THIS COPY OF TV GUIDE, THE
ONE THAT'S OUT THIS WEEK, THERE
IS A BALLOT.

ONE THAT'S OUT THIS WEEK, THERE
IS A BALLOT.
CAN YOU GET A PICTURE OF THAT,

IS A BALLOT.
CAN YOU GET A PICTURE OF THAT,
DAVID?

CAN YOU GET A PICTURE OF THAT,
DAVID?
HERE IT IS.

DAVID?
HERE IT IS.
THIS ACTUAL BALLOT WILL ALLOW

HERE IT IS.
THIS ACTUAL BALLOT WILL ALLOW
YOU TO PUT A NAME, A LETTER, OR

THIS ACTUAL BALLOT WILL ALLOW
YOU TO PUT A NAME, A LETTER, OR
A BIZARRE DESCRIPTION OF THE

YOU TO PUT A NAME, A LETTER, OR
A BIZARRE DESCRIPTION OF THE
CANDIDATE YOU WISH TO HOST ON

A BIZARRE DESCRIPTION OF THE
CANDIDATE YOU WISH TO HOST ON
DECEMBER 17.

CANDIDATE YOU WISH TO HOST ON
DECEMBER 17.
NOW, MAYBE THEY'D LIKE TO HAVE A

DECEMBER 17.
NOW, MAYBE THEY'D LIKE TO HAVE A
COUPLE OF WORDS TO SAY IN THEIR

NOW, MAYBE THEY'D LIKE TO HAVE A
COUPLE OF WORDS TO SAY IN THEIR
OWN DEFENSE.

COUPLE OF WORDS TO SAY IN THEIR
OWN DEFENSE.
GOVERNOR... LETTER "A."

OWN DEFENSE.
GOVERNOR... LETTER "A."
BUCK, I JUST HAVE TO TELL MY

GOVERNOR... LETTER "A."
BUCK, I JUST HAVE TO TELL MY
EIGHT SONS PERSONALLY...

BUCK, I JUST HAVE TO TELL MY
EIGHT SONS PERSONALLY...
NOT BY NAME, THOUGH.

EIGHT SONS PERSONALLY...
NOT BY NAME, THOUGH.
WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME.

NOT BY NAME, THOUGH.
WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME.
AND MY STAFF THAT WORKED

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME.
AND MY STAFF THAT WORKED
SO HARD TO GET ME ON THIS SHOW

AND MY STAFF THAT WORKED
SO HARD TO GET ME ON THIS SHOW
THAT, HEY, I DON'T WANT TO DO

SO HARD TO GET ME ON THIS SHOW
THAT, HEY, I DON'T WANT TO DO
IT.

THAT, HEY, I DON'T WANT TO DO
IT.
SO, ALL YOU PEOPLE, DON'T VOTE

IT.
SO, ALL YOU PEOPLE, DON'T VOTE
FOR ME.

SO, ALL YOU PEOPLE, DON'T VOTE
FOR ME.
YOU HEARD IT!

FOR ME.
YOU HEARD IT!
HE WANTS YOUR VOTE, LADIES AND

YOU HEARD IT!
HE WANTS YOUR VOTE, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.

HE WANTS YOUR VOTE, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
THAT'S THE GOV, LETTER "A."

GENTLEMEN.
THAT'S THE GOV, LETTER "A."
AND NOW THE CO-ED, LETTER "B."

THAT'S THE GOV, LETTER "A."
AND NOW THE CO-ED, LETTER "B."
[APPLAUSE]

AND NOW THE CO-ED, LETTER "B."
[APPLAUSE]
WELL, BECAUSE OF THIS

[APPLAUSE]
WELL, BECAUSE OF THIS
CONTEST, I'M FAILING ALL MY

WELL, BECAUSE OF THIS
CONTEST, I'M FAILING ALL MY
CLASSES.

CONTEST, I'M FAILING ALL MY
CLASSES.
SO, IF I HOST, I'LL AT LEAST BE

CLASSES.
SO, IF I HOST, I'LL AT LEAST BE
ABLE TO PASS DRAMA.

SO, IF I HOST, I'LL AT LEAST BE
ABLE TO PASS DRAMA.
TERRIFIC. OKAY.

ABLE TO PASS DRAMA.
TERRIFIC. OKAY.
REMEMBER ME, BUCK.

TERRIFIC. OKAY.
REMEMBER ME, BUCK.
I SURE WILL, HONEY.

REMEMBER ME, BUCK.
I SURE WILL, HONEY.
[APPLAUSE]

I SURE WILL, HONEY.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE CO-ED, LETTER "B."

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE CO-ED, LETTER "B."
LETTER "C," THE UNEMPLOYED KID

THAT'S THE CO-ED, LETTER "B."
LETTER "C," THE UNEMPLOYED KID
FROM OREGON.

LETTER "C," THE UNEMPLOYED KID
FROM OREGON.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY, DAVID?

FROM OREGON.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY, DAVID?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY, DAVID?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST
THINKING... YOU KNOW, CHASTITY

WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST
THINKING... YOU KNOW, CHASTITY
IS A VIRTUE THAT'S OVERLOOKED BY

THINKING... YOU KNOW, CHASTITY
IS A VIRTUE THAT'S OVERLOOKED BY
A LOT OF US.

IS A VIRTUE THAT'S OVERLOOKED BY
A LOT OF US.
I HARDLY KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER

A LOT OF US.
I HARDLY KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER
TO THAT, AND I DON'T THINK I

I HARDLY KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER
TO THAT, AND I DON'T THINK I
WILL.

TO THAT, AND I DON'T THINK I
WILL.
GET BACK IN LINE.

WILL.
GET BACK IN LINE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE "C," FOR

GET BACK IN LINE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE "C," FOR
"CHASTITY."

YOU KNOW, LIKE "C," FOR
"CHASTITY."
GET BACK IN LINE.

"CHASTITY."
GET BACK IN LINE.
"D"... MOM FROM PEORIA.

GET BACK IN LINE.
"D"... MOM FROM PEORIA.
HI.

"D"... MOM FROM PEORIA.
HI.
I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO

HI.
I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO
EVERYBODY OUT THERE THAT'S EVER

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO
EVERYBODY OUT THERE THAT'S EVER
HAD A MOTHER.

EVERYBODY OUT THERE THAT'S EVER
HAD A MOTHER.
IN HONOR OF YOUR MOM, VOTE FOR

HAD A MOTHER.
IN HONOR OF YOUR MOM, VOTE FOR
"D."

IN HONOR OF YOUR MOM, VOTE FOR
"D."
MOST OF YOU WOULD HAVE

"D."
MOST OF YOU WOULD HAVE
MOTHERS.

MOST OF YOU WOULD HAVE
MOTHERS.
YOU MAY KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING

MOTHERS.
YOU MAY KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING
ABOUT.

YOU MAY KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING
ABOUT.
COME ON, GRANDMA.

ABOUT.
COME ON, GRANDMA.
LETTER "E," WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO

COME ON, GRANDMA.
LETTER "E," WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO
SAY?

LETTER "E," WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO
SAY?
I JUST WANT TO SAY I'VE HAD

SAY?
I JUST WANT TO SAY I'VE HAD
THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF MY

I JUST WANT TO SAY I'VE HAD
THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF MY
LIFE.

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF MY
LIFE.
AHH!

LIFE.
AHH!
WHOLE 80 YEARS... I'VE HAD

AHH!
WHOLE 80 YEARS... I'VE HAD
THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME.

WHOLE 80 YEARS... I'VE HAD
THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A GREAT 80

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A GREAT 80
YEARS FOR US HAVING YOU HERE.

WELL, IT'S BEEN A GREAT 80
YEARS FOR US HAVING YOU HERE.
OKAY, FOLKS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

YEARS FOR US HAVING YOU HERE.
OKAY, FOLKS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR COMING.

OKAY, FOLKS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR COMING.
CAST, COME ON.

FOR COMING.
CAST, COME ON.
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH, AND

CAST, COME ON.
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH, AND
GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH, AND
GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Announcer: SEND YOUR TV GUIDE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Announcer: SEND YOUR TV GUIDE
BALLOT OR POSTCARD WITH YOUR

Announcer: SEND YOUR TV GUIDE
BALLOT OR POSTCARD WITH YOUR
VOTE TO...

ALL BALLOTS MUST BE POSTMARKED
BEFORE NOVEMBER 30th AND LABELED
FOR ONLY ONE CONTESTANT.

MR. MIKE WAS MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE.

NEXT WEEK, A "SATURDAY NIGHT"

REPEAT SHOW WITH HOST

LILY TOMLIN AND MUSICAL GUEST

JAMES TAYLOR.

WE'LL BE BACK LIVE THREE WEEKS

FROM TONIGHT ON DECEMBER 10th,

WHEN OUR "SATURDAY NIGHT" HOST

WILL BE MARY KAY PLACE, WITH

MUSICAL GUEST WILLIE NELSON AND

ANDY KAUFMAN.

THIS IS YOUR OLD TURKEY,

DON PARDO, REMINDING YOU TO HAVE

A SAFE AND SANE THANKSGIVING.

GOOD NIGHT.