Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Mary Kay Place/Willie Nelson - full transcript

Announcer: "GRIZZLY ADAMS
SETS FIRE TO HIS HEAD" WILL NOT
BE SEEN THIS WEEK SO THAT NBC

SETS FIRE TO HIS HEAD" WILL NOT
BE SEEN THIS WEEK SO THAT NBC
MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING

BE SEEN THIS WEEK SO THAT NBC
MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING
SPECIAL PROGRAM.

MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING
SPECIAL PROGRAM.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]

SPECIAL PROGRAM.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S ROLL

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S ROLL
'EM UP, MOVE 'EM IN, REHEARSE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S ROLL
'EM UP, MOVE 'EM IN, REHEARSE.
THE SHOW'S GETTING READY TO...

'EM UP, MOVE 'EM IN, REHEARSE.
THE SHOW'S GETTING READY TO...
WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BELUSHI?

THE SHOW'S GETTING READY TO...
WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BELUSHI?
[ALL GROANING]

WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BELUSHI?
[ALL GROANING]
HE'S NOT HERE.

[ALL GROANING]
HE'S NOT HERE.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.



HE'S NOT HERE.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
WAIT A MINUTE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
BELUSHI'S ABSENCE, ALL OF THIS

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
BELUSHI'S ABSENCE, ALL OF THIS
MISH-MASH HERE, THIS REFLECTS AN

BELUSHI'S ABSENCE, ALL OF THIS
MISH-MASH HERE, THIS REFLECTS AN
ATTITUDE THAT I HAVE NOTICED ALL

MISH-MASH HERE, THIS REFLECTS AN
ATTITUDE THAT I HAVE NOTICED ALL
WEEK, AND THAT IS LACK OF PEP.

ATTITUDE THAT I HAVE NOTICED ALL
WEEK, AND THAT IS LACK OF PEP.
NOW, I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU

WEEK, AND THAT IS LACK OF PEP.
NOW, I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU
GUYS THIS, BECAUSE THE NETWORK

NOW, I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU
GUYS THIS, BECAUSE THE NETWORK
ASKED ME TO HOST THE SHOW ONLY

GUYS THIS, BECAUSE THE NETWORK
ASKED ME TO HOST THE SHOW ONLY
BECAUSE I COULD PUMP SOME PEP

ASKED ME TO HOST THE SHOW ONLY
BECAUSE I COULD PUMP SOME PEP
INTO THE SHOW.

BECAUSE I COULD PUMP SOME PEP
INTO THE SHOW.
NOW, IT IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT

INTO THE SHOW.
NOW, IT IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT
TO PUMP PEP INTO THE SHOW WHEN



NOW, IT IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT
TO PUMP PEP INTO THE SHOW WHEN
THE PEPPERS ARE NOT

TO PUMP PEP INTO THE SHOW WHEN
THE PEPPERS ARE NOT
PARTICIPATING, OKAY?

THE PEPPERS ARE NOT
PARTICIPATING, OKAY?
NOW, YOU ALL HAVE NOT BEEN

PARTICIPATING, OKAY?
NOW, YOU ALL HAVE NOT BEEN
PARTICIPATING PEPPILY.

NOW, YOU ALL HAVE NOT BEEN
PARTICIPATING PEPPILY.
PEP? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PEP?

PARTICIPATING PEPPILY.
PEP? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PEP?
I MEAN PUMPED, ENTHUSIASM,

PEP? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PEP?
I MEAN PUMPED, ENTHUSIASM,
ENERGY, VERVE, PIZZAZZ, YOU

I MEAN PUMPED, ENTHUSIASM,
ENERGY, VERVE, PIZZAZZ, YOU
KNOW.

ENERGY, VERVE, PIZZAZZ, YOU
KNOW.
I JUST USE "PEP" AS A CATCHALL

KNOW.
I JUST USE "PEP" AS A CATCHALL
PHRASE.

I JUST USE "PEP" AS A CATCHALL
PHRASE.
LET'S BE BRUTALLY HONEST.

PHRASE.
LET'S BE BRUTALLY HONEST.
I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

LET'S BE BRUTALLY HONEST.
I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT IN THE EYE.

I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT IN THE EYE.
BILL, LOOK IN THE EYE.

TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT IN THE EYE.
BILL, LOOK IN THE EYE.
CAN YOU ALL LOOK AT ME AND SAY

BILL, LOOK IN THE EYE.
CAN YOU ALL LOOK AT ME AND SAY
"YES, MARY KAY, YES, I HAVE BEEN

CAN YOU ALL LOOK AT ME AND SAY
"YES, MARY KAY, YES, I HAVE BEEN
AS PEPPY AS POSSIBLE THIS WEEK,"

"YES, MARY KAY, YES, I HAVE BEEN
AS PEPPY AS POSSIBLE THIS WEEK,"
HMM?

AS PEPPY AS POSSIBLE THIS WEEK,"
HMM?
I, FOR ONE, CAN'T.

HMM?
I, FOR ONE, CAN'T.
I'M SORRY.

I, FOR ONE, CAN'T.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, I TRIED.

I'M SORRY.
WELL, I TRIED.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL

WELL, I TRIED.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL
PROBLEMS, MARY KAY.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL
PROBLEMS, MARY KAY.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

PROBLEMS, MARY KAY.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
HERE'S BELUSHI.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
HERE'S BELUSHI.
THANKS FOR SHOWING UP.

HERE'S BELUSHI.
THANKS FOR SHOWING UP.
JOHN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP.
JOHN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,
AND WHERE HAS YOUR PEP BEEN?

JOHN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,
AND WHERE HAS YOUR PEP BEEN?
PEP?

AND WHERE HAS YOUR PEP BEEN?
PEP?
MM-HMM.

PEP?
MM-HMM.
DID YOU SAY PEP?

MM-HMM.
DID YOU SAY PEP?
YEAH, I SAID PEP.

DID YOU SAY PEP?
YEAH, I SAID PEP.
THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN.

YEAH, I SAID PEP.
THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN.
SHE SAID PEP.

THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN.
SHE SAID PEP.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT SHE

SHE SAID PEP.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT SHE
SAID... PEP.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT SHE
SAID... PEP.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE PEP? WHY?

SAID... PEP.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE PEP? WHY?
I'M FORCED TO WEAR THIS

WHY SHOULD I HAVE PEP? WHY?
I'M FORCED TO WEAR THIS
CHEERLEADER OUTFIT.

I'M FORCED TO WEAR THIS
CHEERLEADER OUTFIT.
IT'S A STUPID OUTFIT.

CHEERLEADER OUTFIT.
IT'S A STUPID OUTFIT.
I HATE THIS WHOLE CHEERLEADER

IT'S A STUPID OUTFIT.
I HATE THIS WHOLE CHEERLEADER
METAPHOR.

I HATE THIS WHOLE CHEERLEADER
METAPHOR.
OH.

METAPHOR.
OH.
WHO THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA,

OH.
WHO THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA,
ANYWAY... DANNY?

WHO THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA,
ANYWAY... DANNY?
IT WAS MY IDEA.

ANYWAY... DANNY?
IT WAS MY IDEA.
BUT THE NETWORK MADE ME DO IT.

IT WAS MY IDEA.
BUT THE NETWORK MADE ME DO IT.
I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

BUT THE NETWORK MADE ME DO IT.
I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.
THERE REALLY ISN'T ENOUGH PEP

I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.
THERE REALLY ISN'T ENOUGH PEP
AROUND HERE, JOHN, AND YOU'RE

THERE REALLY ISN'T ENOUGH PEP
AROUND HERE, JOHN, AND YOU'RE
THE NUMBER-ONE OFFENDER.

AROUND HERE, JOHN, AND YOU'RE
THE NUMBER-ONE OFFENDER.
YOU'VE BEEN A DISCIPLINARY

THE NUMBER-ONE OFFENDER.
YOU'VE BEEN A DISCIPLINARY
PROBLEM SINCE THE SHOW BEGAN.

YOU'VE BEEN A DISCIPLINARY
PROBLEM SINCE THE SHOW BEGAN.
WELL, I THINK YOU'RE BOTH

PROBLEM SINCE THE SHOW BEGAN.
WELL, I THINK YOU'RE BOTH
FASCISTS.

WELL, I THINK YOU'RE BOTH
FASCISTS.
THERE IS NOTHING FASCIST

FASCISTS.
THERE IS NOTHING FASCIST
ABOUT PEP!

THERE IS NOTHING FASCIST
ABOUT PEP!
I MEAN, YOU CAN GO TO ANY

ABOUT PEP!
I MEAN, YOU CAN GO TO ANY
FASCIST COUNTRY AND THERE'S

I MEAN, YOU CAN GO TO ANY
FASCIST COUNTRY AND THERE'S
HARDLY ANY PEP THERE AT ALL!

FASCIST COUNTRY AND THERE'S
HARDLY ANY PEP THERE AT ALL!
YEAH.

HARDLY ANY PEP THERE AT ALL!
YEAH.
LOOK, I JUST THINK THIS WHOLE

YEAH.
LOOK, I JUST THINK THIS WHOLE
PEP THING IS REALLY STUPID AND

LOOK, I JUST THINK THIS WHOLE
PEP THING IS REALLY STUPID AND
LAME, THAT'S ALL, OKAY?

PEP THING IS REALLY STUPID AND
LAME, THAT'S ALL, OKAY?
OKAY. OKAY, FINE.

LAME, THAT'S ALL, OKAY?
OKAY. OKAY, FINE.
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, I

OKAY. OKAY, FINE.
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, I
WAS JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT THE

IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, I
WAS JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT THE
NETWORK ASKED ME TO DO.

WAS JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT THE
NETWORK ASKED ME TO DO.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO PEP THINGS

NETWORK ASKED ME TO DO.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO PEP THINGS
UP.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO PEP THINGS
UP.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE FOR THIS

UP.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE FOR THIS
SHOW, LACK OF PEP IS BEST.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE FOR THIS
SHOW, LACK OF PEP IS BEST.
I'M SORRY.

SHOW, LACK OF PEP IS BEST.
I'M SORRY.
I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD JOB.

I'M SORRY.
I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD JOB.
NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, MAN.

I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD JOB.
NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, MAN.
YOU MADE THE HOST CRY!

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, MAN.
YOU MADE THE HOST CRY!
GEE, I'M SORRY, MARY KAY,

YOU MADE THE HOST CRY!
GEE, I'M SORRY, MARY KAY,
REALLY.

GEE, I'M SORRY, MARY KAY,
REALLY.
I'M SORRY I MADE YOU CRY.

REALLY.
I'M SORRY I MADE YOU CRY.
YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY?

I'M SORRY I MADE YOU CRY.
YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY?
YEAH, I GUESS SO.

YOU ALL RIGHT, HONEY?
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I'LL TELL YOU, MARY KAY.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I'LL TELL YOU, MARY KAY.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT PEP.

I'LL TELL YOU, MARY KAY.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT PEP.
MAYBE I HAVEN'T GIVEN PEP ENOUGH

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT PEP.
MAYBE I HAVEN'T GIVEN PEP ENOUGH
THOUGHT THESE PAST 15 YEARS OR

MAYBE I HAVEN'T GIVEN PEP ENOUGH
THOUGHT THESE PAST 15 YEARS OR
SO.

THOUGHT THESE PAST 15 YEARS OR
SO.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF EVERYBODY HAD

SO.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF EVERYBODY HAD
A LITTLE MORE PEP, THERE WOULD

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF EVERYBODY HAD
A LITTLE MORE PEP, THERE WOULD
BE LESS SUFFERING IN THE WORLD,

A LITTLE MORE PEP, THERE WOULD
BE LESS SUFFERING IN THE WORLD,
DON'T YOU THINK?

BE LESS SUFFERING IN THE WORLD,
DON'T YOU THINK?
MAYBE, YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK?
MAYBE, YEAH.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, LET'S

MAYBE, YEAH.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, LET'S
MAKE THIS THE PEPPIEST SHOW

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, LET'S
MAKE THIS THE PEPPIEST SHOW
EVER?

MAKE THIS THE PEPPIEST SHOW
EVER?
WHAT DO YOU SAY, GANG?!

EVER?
WHAT DO YOU SAY, GANG?!
ALL RIGHT! LET'S DO IT!

WHAT DO YOU SAY, GANG?!
ALL RIGHT! LET'S DO IT!
WHAT DO YOU SAY, MARY KAY?

ALL RIGHT! LET'S DO IT!
WHAT DO YOU SAY, MARY KAY?
I SAY LET'S START THE SHOW.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, MARY KAY?
I SAY LET'S START THE SHOW.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]

I SAY LET'S START THE SHOW.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
[ALL CHEERING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]
[ALL CHEERING]
[MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
JOHN!
JANE!

JOHN!
JANE!
BILL!

JANE!
BILL!
GARRETT!

BILL!
GARRETT!
DANNY!

GARRETT!
DANNY!
GILDA!

DANNY!
GILDA!
LARAINE!

GILDA!
LARAINE!
OKAY!

LARAINE!
OKAY!
JUMP TO THE LEFT, JUMP TO THE

OKAY!
JUMP TO THE LEFT, JUMP TO THE
RIGHT...

JUMP TO THE LEFT, JUMP TO THE
RIGHT...
All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

RIGHT...
All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"...

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"...
STARRING...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARY KAY PLACE!

WHOO!
NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE
WITH THOSE C-JUMPS.

NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE
WITH THOSE C-JUMPS.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THINGS HAVE

WITH THOSE C-JUMPS.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THINGS HAVE
HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK IN

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THINGS HAVE
HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK IN
NEW YORK.

HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK IN
NEW YORK.
IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY,

NEW YORK.
IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY,
MADCAP, WACKY KIND OF WEEK FOR

IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY,
MADCAP, WACKY KIND OF WEEK FOR
ME.

MADCAP, WACKY KIND OF WEEK FOR
ME.
A LOT OF NEW EXPERIENCES, A LOT

ME.
A LOT OF NEW EXPERIENCES, A LOT
OF NEW FEELINGS, AND SOME THAT I

A LOT OF NEW EXPERIENCES, A LOT
OF NEW FEELINGS, AND SOME THAT I
THOUGHT I WANTED TO RECORD AND

OF NEW FEELINGS, AND SOME THAT I
THOUGHT I WANTED TO RECORD AND
WRITE DOWN.

THOUGHT I WANTED TO RECORD AND
WRITE DOWN.
KIND OF LIKE KEEPING A DIARY

WRITE DOWN.
KIND OF LIKE KEEPING A DIARY
AGAIN, AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT I

KIND OF LIKE KEEPING A DIARY
AGAIN, AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT I
REALLY HAVEN'T FELT THE NEED TO

AGAIN, AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT I
REALLY HAVEN'T FELT THE NEED TO
DO SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

REALLY HAVEN'T FELT THE NEED TO
DO SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
AND I GUESS ADOLESCENCE AND LIVE

DO SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
AND I GUESS ADOLESCENCE AND LIVE
TELEVISION HAVE A LOT IN COMMON

AND I GUESS ADOLESCENCE AND LIVE
TELEVISION HAVE A LOT IN COMMON
THERE, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH

TELEVISION HAVE A LOT IN COMMON
THERE, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH
POTENTIALLY VERY EMBARRASSING.

THERE, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH
POTENTIALLY VERY EMBARRASSING.
THE LAST ENTRY IN MY DIARY

POTENTIALLY VERY EMBARRASSING.
THE LAST ENTRY IN MY DIARY
BEFORE THIS WEEK WAS FEBRUARY

THE LAST ENTRY IN MY DIARY
BEFORE THIS WEEK WAS FEBRUARY
1961.

BEFORE THIS WEEK WAS FEBRUARY
1961.
NOW, THIS IS THE ACTUAL DIARY

1961.
NOW, THIS IS THE ACTUAL DIARY
THAT I KEPT IN 8th GRADE.

NOW, THIS IS THE ACTUAL DIARY
THAT I KEPT IN 8th GRADE.
NIGHTLY NOTES ON MY DAILY

THAT I KEPT IN 8th GRADE.
NIGHTLY NOTES ON MY DAILY
DOINGS.

NIGHTLY NOTES ON MY DAILY
DOINGS.
I WILL NOW READ FROM THE

DOINGS.
I WILL NOW READ FROM THE
8th-GRADE DIARY.

I WILL NOW READ FROM THE
8th-GRADE DIARY.
IF I CAN ONLY FIND THE PLACE.

8th-GRADE DIARY.
IF I CAN ONLY FIND THE PLACE.
HERE WE GO.

IF I CAN ONLY FIND THE PLACE.
HERE WE GO.
"DEAR DIARY, MADE AN

HERE WE GO.
"DEAR DIARY, MADE AN
EXTRA-CREDIT POSTER IN ENGLISH

"DEAR DIARY, MADE AN
EXTRA-CREDIT POSTER IN ENGLISH
ON COMMAS.

EXTRA-CREDIT POSTER IN ENGLISH
ON COMMAS.
[LAUGHTER]

ON COMMAS.
[LAUGHTER]
GUESS WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]
GUESS WHAT?
GIRLS' LEADER COURSE GOING TO

GUESS WHAT?
GIRLS' LEADER COURSE GOING TO
HAVE A SOCK HOP.

GIRLS' LEADER COURSE GOING TO
HAVE A SOCK HOP.
NEATO, EH?

HAVE A SOCK HOP.
NEATO, EH?
NATURALLY, I'D LOVE TO ASK ROB,

NEATO, EH?
NATURALLY, I'D LOVE TO ASK ROB,
BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO WITH

NATURALLY, I'D LOVE TO ASK ROB,
BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO WITH
ME.

BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO WITH
ME.
OH, HE'S SO CUTE.

ME.
OH, HE'S SO CUTE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CREATE THEM

OH, HE'S SO CUTE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CREATE THEM
LIKE THAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CREATE THEM
LIKE THAT.
[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
WENT SHOPPING AND FINALLY GOT A

[LAUGHTER]
WENT SHOPPING AND FINALLY GOT A
CIRCLE PIN AND A NEW

WENT SHOPPING AND FINALLY GOT A
CIRCLE PIN AND A NEW
AUTOGRAPH HOUND."

CIRCLE PIN AND A NEW
AUTOGRAPH HOUND."
BLESS MY LITTLE HEART.

AUTOGRAPH HOUND."
BLESS MY LITTLE HEART.
"DEAR DIARY, LOST COMMA POSTER.

BLESS MY LITTLE HEART.
"DEAR DIARY, LOST COMMA POSTER.
WILL MAKE NEW ONE ON QUESTION

"DEAR DIARY, LOST COMMA POSTER.
WILL MAKE NEW ONE ON QUESTION
MARKS AND SEMICOLONS.

WILL MAKE NEW ONE ON QUESTION
MARKS AND SEMICOLONS.
BUT THE BIG NEWS IS THIS... I

MARKS AND SEMICOLONS.
BUT THE BIG NEWS IS THIS... I
ASKED GAIL IF SHE WOULD ASK BILL

BUT THE BIG NEWS IS THIS... I
ASKED GAIL IF SHE WOULD ASK BILL
IF HE WOULD ASK ROB IF HE WOULD

ASKED GAIL IF SHE WOULD ASK BILL
IF HE WOULD ASK ROB IF HE WOULD
EVEN CONSIDER GOING WITH ME TO

IF HE WOULD ASK ROB IF HE WOULD
EVEN CONSIDER GOING WITH ME TO
THE LEADER COURSE SOCK HOP.

EVEN CONSIDER GOING WITH ME TO
THE LEADER COURSE SOCK HOP.
SHE DID, AND GUESS WHAT?

THE LEADER COURSE SOCK HOP.
SHE DID, AND GUESS WHAT?
GAIL SAID THAT ROB SAID THAT

SHE DID, AND GUESS WHAT?
GAIL SAID THAT ROB SAID THAT
BILL SAID... RATHER, GAIL SAID

GAIL SAID THAT ROB SAID THAT
BILL SAID... RATHER, GAIL SAID
THAT BILL SAID THAT ROB SAID

BILL SAID... RATHER, GAIL SAID
THAT BILL SAID THAT ROB SAID
YES.

THAT BILL SAID THAT ROB SAID
YES.
OH!

YES.
OH!
FOUND TERRIF NEW NAIL POLISH.

OH!
FOUND TERRIF NEW NAIL POLISH.
PASSIONATELY PINK.

FOUND TERRIF NEW NAIL POLISH.
PASSIONATELY PINK.
GREAT IN STORE BUT THROW-UP-EY

PASSIONATELY PINK.
GREAT IN STORE BUT THROW-UP-EY
AT HOME."

GREAT IN STORE BUT THROW-UP-EY
AT HOME."
"DEAR DIARY, TOMORROW I AM GOING

AT HOME."
"DEAR DIARY, TOMORROW I AM GOING
TO ASK ROB.

"DEAR DIARY, TOMORROW I AM GOING
TO ASK ROB.
WHAT A BABE AND A HALF!

TO ASK ROB.
WHAT A BABE AND A HALF!
OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE MOM

WHAT A BABE AND A HALF!
OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE MOM
WON'T LET ME GO SEE 'PSYCHO.'

OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE MOM
WON'T LET ME GO SEE 'PSYCHO.'
WHAT A SPAZ."

WON'T LET ME GO SEE 'PSYCHO.'
WHAT A SPAZ."
"DEAR DIARY, BABE AND A HALF MY

WHAT A SPAZ."
"DEAR DIARY, BABE AND A HALF MY
FOOT.

"DEAR DIARY, BABE AND A HALF MY
FOOT.
ROB CAN'T GO, AND YOU KNOW WHY?

FOOT.
ROB CAN'T GO, AND YOU KNOW WHY?
GET THIS... BILL SAYS, HE COMES

ROB CAN'T GO, AND YOU KNOW WHY?
GET THIS... BILL SAYS, HE COMES
UP TO ME AND HE SAYS, 'DON'T ASK

GET THIS... BILL SAYS, HE COMES
UP TO ME AND HE SAYS, 'DON'T ASK
ROB TO THE PARTY, MARY KAY,

UP TO ME AND HE SAYS, 'DON'T ASK
ROB TO THE PARTY, MARY KAY,
BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO

ROB TO THE PARTY, MARY KAY,
BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO
WITH YOU.

BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO
WITH YOU.
HE WON'T GO WITH YOU.'

WITH YOU.
HE WON'T GO WITH YOU.'
GOD, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED, I

HE WON'T GO WITH YOU.'
GOD, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED, I
THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

GOD, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED, I
THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I MEAN, I ABOUT HAD A COW!

THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I MEAN, I ABOUT HAD A COW!
THAT REALLY WRECKS ME UP.

I MEAN, I ABOUT HAD A COW!
THAT REALLY WRECKS ME UP.
I THINK I'LL JUST DIE."

THAT REALLY WRECKS ME UP.
I THINK I'LL JUST DIE."
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I THINK I'LL JUST DIE."
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
PATHETIC LITTLE TEEN TRAUMA FROM

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
PATHETIC LITTLE TEEN TRAUMA FROM
YESTERYEAR.

PATHETIC LITTLE TEEN TRAUMA FROM
YESTERYEAR.
I GUESS NONE OF US REALLY KNEW

YESTERYEAR.
I GUESS NONE OF US REALLY KNEW
WAY BACK THEN WHEN I WAS IN 8th

I GUESS NONE OF US REALLY KNEW
WAY BACK THEN WHEN I WAS IN 8th
GRADE, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, ROB,

WAY BACK THEN WHEN I WAS IN 8th
GRADE, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, ROB,
IF YOU'RE WATCHING AT HOME

GRADE, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, ROB,
IF YOU'RE WATCHING AT HOME
TONIGHT, THAT SOMEDAY, THAT SAME

IF YOU'RE WATCHING AT HOME
TONIGHT, THAT SOMEDAY, THAT SAME
LITTLE GAL YOU SO BRUTALLY

TONIGHT, THAT SOMEDAY, THAT SAME
LITTLE GAL YOU SO BRUTALLY
REFUSED TO ESCORT TO THE SOCK

LITTLE GAL YOU SO BRUTALLY
REFUSED TO ESCORT TO THE SOCK
HOP WOULD ONE DAY BE ASKED TO

REFUSED TO ESCORT TO THE SOCK
HOP WOULD ONE DAY BE ASKED TO
HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND

HOP WOULD ONE DAY BE ASKED TO
HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND
BE PAID A PRETTY PENNY FOR IT,

HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND
BE PAID A PRETTY PENNY FOR IT,
TOO, ROB.

BE PAID A PRETTY PENNY FOR IT,
TOO, ROB.
AND ANOTHER THING, ROB.

TOO, ROB.
AND ANOTHER THING, ROB.
DANNY AYKROYD HAS BEEN KIND OF

AND ANOTHER THING, ROB.
DANNY AYKROYD HAS BEEN KIND OF
HITTING ON ME ALL WEEK, AND NOT

DANNY AYKROYD HAS BEEN KIND OF
HITTING ON ME ALL WEEK, AND NOT
UNSUCCESSFULLY.

HITTING ON ME ALL WEEK, AND NOT
UNSUCCESSFULLY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

UNSUCCESSFULLY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

Announcer: NOT ALL WOMEN ARE
LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT.
SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A

LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT.
SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A
LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING.

SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A
LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING.
THAT'S WHY OLFAB CREATED

LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING.
THAT'S WHY OLFAB CREATED
HEY, YOU!

THAT'S WHY OLFAB CREATED
HEY, YOU!
JUST ONE WHIFF DOES THE TRICK,

HEY, YOU!
JUST ONE WHIFF DOES THE TRICK,
FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU

JUST ONE WHIFF DOES THE TRICK,
FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU
CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE.

FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU
CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE.
HEY, YOU!

CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE.
HEY, YOU!
THE SCENT YOU CAN'T IGNORE.

HEY, YOU!

Announcer: HEY, YOU!
FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE YOU
NEVER EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN.

HEY, YOU!
THE PERFUME FOR ONE-NIGHT
STANDS.

GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME TO "MORE INSECTS TO
WORRY ABOUT."

WELCOME TO "MORE INSECTS TO
WORRY ABOUT."
I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.

WORRY ABOUT."
I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.
TONIGHT'S GUEST IS A HIGHLY

I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.
TONIGHT'S GUEST IS A HIGHLY
REGARDED SPECIALIST ON DANGEROUS

TONIGHT'S GUEST IS A HIGHLY
REGARDED SPECIALIST ON DANGEROUS
INSECTS... DR. HASKELL LACK.

REGARDED SPECIALIST ON DANGEROUS
INSECTS... DR. HASKELL LACK.
AND HE'S MADE SOME STARTLING

INSECTS... DR. HASKELL LACK.
AND HE'S MADE SOME STARTLING
DISCOVERIES CONCERNING THE

AND HE'S MADE SOME STARTLING
DISCOVERIES CONCERNING THE
HORRORS LYING IN WAIT FOR US IN

DISCOVERIES CONCERNING THE
HORRORS LYING IN WAIT FOR US IN
THE INSECT WORLD.

HORRORS LYING IN WAIT FOR US IN
THE INSECT WORLD.
THANK YOU, JANE.

THE INSECT WORLD.
THANK YOU, JANE.
I'M SURE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE

THANK YOU, JANE.
I'M SURE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE
OF THE DANGER ALREADY POSED BY

I'M SURE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE
OF THE DANGER ALREADY POSED BY
SUCH INSECTS AS THE SOUTH

OF THE DANGER ALREADY POSED BY
SUCH INSECTS AS THE SOUTH
AMERICAN KILLER BEE, THE

SUCH INSECTS AS THE SOUTH
AMERICAN KILLER BEE, THE
SEVEN-YEAR LOCUST, AND THE

AMERICAN KILLER BEE, THE
SEVEN-YEAR LOCUST, AND THE
TSETSE FLY AND SO ON.

SEVEN-YEAR LOCUST, AND THE
TSETSE FLY AND SO ON.
BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE AWARE

TSETSE FLY AND SO ON.
BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE AWARE
THAT IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, THE

BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE AWARE
THAT IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, THE
LENS BEETLE COULD INFEST EVERY

THAT IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, THE
LENS BEETLE COULD INFEST EVERY
CORNER OF THIS CONTINENT?

LENS BEETLE COULD INFEST EVERY
CORNER OF THIS CONTINENT?
THE LENS BEETLE?

CORNER OF THIS CONTINENT?
THE LENS BEETLE?
YES.

THE LENS BEETLE?
YES.
IT'S AN AFRICAN INSECT IN THE

YES.
IT'S AN AFRICAN INSECT IN THE
ORDER COLEOPTERA, OFTEN CALLED

IT'S AN AFRICAN INSECT IN THE
ORDER COLEOPTERA, OFTEN CALLED
THE EYESUCKER.

ORDER COLEOPTERA, OFTEN CALLED
THE EYESUCKER.
THE INSECT'S NAME COMES FROM THE

THE EYESUCKER.
THE INSECT'S NAME COMES FROM THE
FACT THAT THE PREGNANT FEMALE

THE INSECT'S NAME COMES FROM THE
FACT THAT THE PREGNANT FEMALE
CAN ONLY HATCH HER EGGS WHILE

FACT THAT THE PREGNANT FEMALE
CAN ONLY HATCH HER EGGS WHILE
NESTLED BETWEEN THE HUMAN

CAN ONLY HATCH HER EGGS WHILE
NESTLED BETWEEN THE HUMAN
EYEBALL AND THE CONTACT LENS.

NESTLED BETWEEN THE HUMAN
EYEBALL AND THE CONTACT LENS.
REALLY?

EYEBALL AND THE CONTACT LENS.
REALLY?
YES, UNDER THE PROTECTIVE

REALLY?
YES, UNDER THE PROTECTIVE
COVER OF THE LENS, THE FEMALE

YES, UNDER THE PROTECTIVE
COVER OF THE LENS, THE FEMALE
UNLOADS HER EGGS IN A WRITHING

COVER OF THE LENS, THE FEMALE
UNLOADS HER EGGS IN A WRITHING
FIT, THEN TIGHTLY WEAVES THE

UNLOADS HER EGGS IN A WRITHING
FIT, THEN TIGHTLY WEAVES THE
UPPER AND LOWER LASHES TOGETHER.

FIT, THEN TIGHTLY WEAVES THE
UPPER AND LOWER LASHES TOGETHER.
THE VICTIM'S EYES REMAIN SHUT

UPPER AND LOWER LASHES TOGETHER.
THE VICTIM'S EYES REMAIN SHUT
FOR THE ENTIRE GESTATION PERIOD,

THE VICTIM'S EYES REMAIN SHUT
FOR THE ENTIRE GESTATION PERIOD,
WHICH COULD GO ON FOR MONTHS.

FOR THE ENTIRE GESTATION PERIOD,
WHICH COULD GO ON FOR MONTHS.
OH, THAT'S FASCINATING.

WHICH COULD GO ON FOR MONTHS.
OH, THAT'S FASCINATING.
DO THEY ALSO MATE IN THE

OH, THAT'S FASCINATING.
DO THEY ALSO MATE IN THE
EYEBALLS?

DO THEY ALSO MATE IN THE
EYEBALLS?
NO.

EYEBALLS?
NO.
ALL MATING IS CONDUCTED IN THE

NO.
ALL MATING IS CONDUCTED IN THE
WARMTH OF THE VICTIM'S

ALL MATING IS CONDUCTED IN THE
WARMTH OF THE VICTIM'S
UNDERWEAR IN A MASS RITUAL

WARMTH OF THE VICTIM'S
UNDERWEAR IN A MASS RITUAL
ATTENDED BY THE ENTIRE BEETLE

UNDERWEAR IN A MASS RITUAL
ATTENDED BY THE ENTIRE BEETLE
COLONY.

ATTENDED BY THE ENTIRE BEETLE
COLONY.
AFTER A LONG TREK FROM THE EYES

COLONY.
AFTER A LONG TREK FROM THE EYES
DOWN TO THE TORSO, THE MATURE

AFTER A LONG TREK FROM THE EYES
DOWN TO THE TORSO, THE MATURE
BEETLES BEGIN THE MATING PROCESS

DOWN TO THE TORSO, THE MATURE
BEETLES BEGIN THE MATING PROCESS
BY SECRETING A SUBSTANCE NOT

BEETLES BEGIN THE MATING PROCESS
BY SECRETING A SUBSTANCE NOT
UNLIKE OUR OWN KRAZY GLUE...

BY SECRETING A SUBSTANCE NOT
UNLIKE OUR OWN KRAZY GLUE...
WHICH SEALS THE ELASTIC EDGES OF

UNLIKE OUR OWN KRAZY GLUE...
WHICH SEALS THE ELASTIC EDGES OF
THE UNDERWEAR TO THE FLESH.

WHICH SEALS THE ELASTIC EDGES OF
THE UNDERWEAR TO THE FLESH.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY DO

THE UNDERWEAR TO THE FLESH.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY DO
THEY DO THIS?

WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY DO
THEY DO THIS?
STRICTLY FOR PRIVACY.

THEY DO THIS?
STRICTLY FOR PRIVACY.
AH.

STRICTLY FOR PRIVACY.
AH.
THEN THE MATING BEGINS.

AH.
THEN THE MATING BEGINS.
AFTER IT'S OVER, EACH MALE

THEN THE MATING BEGINS.
AFTER IT'S OVER, EACH MALE
BEETLE WILL ATTACH THEMSELF TO A

AFTER IT'S OVER, EACH MALE
BEETLE WILL ATTACH THEMSELF TO A
SINGLE ABDOMINAL HAIR WITH HIS

BEETLE WILL ATTACH THEMSELF TO A
SINGLE ABDOMINAL HAIR WITH HIS
CORKSCREW BEAK, THEN SIMPLY

SINGLE ABDOMINAL HAIR WITH HIS
CORKSCREW BEAK, THEN SIMPLY
SPINS HIMSELF TO DEATH.

CORKSCREW BEAK, THEN SIMPLY
SPINS HIMSELF TO DEATH.
THE WHIRRING CAN BE HEARD UP TO

SPINS HIMSELF TO DEATH.
THE WHIRRING CAN BE HEARD UP TO
50 FEET AWAY.

THE WHIRRING CAN BE HEARD UP TO
50 FEET AWAY.
IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING.

50 FEET AWAY.
IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING.
OH, THAT'S REALLY AWFUL.

IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING.
OH, THAT'S REALLY AWFUL.
YEAH, THE IRONY OF THIS IS

OH, THAT'S REALLY AWFUL.
YEAH, THE IRONY OF THIS IS
THAT THE MALES DIE LONG BEFORE

YEAH, THE IRONY OF THIS IS
THAT THE MALES DIE LONG BEFORE
GETTING AROUND TO BREAKING THE

THAT THE MALES DIE LONG BEFORE
GETTING AROUND TO BREAKING THE
SEAL THEY'VE PLACED ALONG THE

GETTING AROUND TO BREAKING THE
SEAL THEY'VE PLACED ALONG THE
SEAMS OF THE UNDERPANTS.

SEAL THEY'VE PLACED ALONG THE
SEAMS OF THE UNDERPANTS.
WHEN IT FINALLY DOES WEAR DOWN

SEAMS OF THE UNDERPANTS.
WHEN IT FINALLY DOES WEAR DOWN
SOME MONTHS LATER, THE FEMALES

WHEN IT FINALLY DOES WEAR DOWN
SOME MONTHS LATER, THE FEMALES
GO OFF AND LAY THEIR EGGS IN THE

SOME MONTHS LATER, THE FEMALES
GO OFF AND LAY THEIR EGGS IN THE
EYES.

GO OFF AND LAY THEIR EGGS IN THE
EYES.
AS A SCIENTIST, I RESPECT NATURE

EYES.
AS A SCIENTIST, I RESPECT NATURE
AND HER LAWS.

AS A SCIENTIST, I RESPECT NATURE
AND HER LAWS.
BUT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.

AND HER LAWS.
BUT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.
AND YOU SAY THESE BEETLES

BUT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.
AND YOU SAY THESE BEETLES
WILL SOON MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE

AND YOU SAY THESE BEETLES
WILL SOON MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE
IN NORTH AMERICA?

WILL SOON MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE
IN NORTH AMERICA?
THEY'RE ALREADY

IN NORTH AMERICA?
THEY'RE ALREADY
WELL-ESTABLISHED IN THE

THEY'RE ALREADY
WELL-ESTABLISHED IN THE
CARIBBEAN AND ARE MOVING

WELL-ESTABLISHED IN THE
CARIBBEAN AND ARE MOVING
NORTHWARD AT THE RATE OF 200

CARIBBEAN AND ARE MOVING
NORTHWARD AT THE RATE OF 200
MILES A YEAR.

NORTHWARD AT THE RATE OF 200
MILES A YEAR.
WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE

MILES A YEAR.
WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE
INSECTICIDES WILL DO ANY GOOD?

WELL, I DON'T SUPPOSE
INSECTICIDES WILL DO ANY GOOD?
DO THEY HAVE ANY NATURAL

INSECTICIDES WILL DO ANY GOOD?
DO THEY HAVE ANY NATURAL
ENEMIES?

DO THEY HAVE ANY NATURAL
ENEMIES?
NOT A ONE, JANE.

ENEMIES?
NOT A ONE, JANE.
YOU KNOW, WE HUMANS MAY NOT LIKE

NOT A ONE, JANE.
YOU KNOW, WE HUMANS MAY NOT LIKE
THEM, BUT WITHIN THE INSECT

YOU KNOW, WE HUMANS MAY NOT LIKE
THEM, BUT WITHIN THE INSECT
WORLD, THESE BEETLES ARE AMONG

THEM, BUT WITHIN THE INSECT
WORLD, THESE BEETLES ARE AMONG
THE BEST-LIKED AND MOST

WORLD, THESE BEETLES ARE AMONG
THE BEST-LIKED AND MOST
RESPECTED CREATURES AROUND.

THE BEST-LIKED AND MOST
RESPECTED CREATURES AROUND.
THESE BUGS ARE COMING, JANE, AND

RESPECTED CREATURES AROUND.
THESE BUGS ARE COMING, JANE, AND
WE'RE GONNA BE IN A LOT OF

THESE BUGS ARE COMING, JANE, AND
WE'RE GONNA BE IN A LOT OF
TROUBLE WHEN THEY DO.

WE'RE GONNA BE IN A LOT OF
TROUBLE WHEN THEY DO.
WELL, DR. LACK, SURELY WE CAN

TROUBLE WHEN THEY DO.
WELL, DR. LACK, SURELY WE CAN
DEAL WITH ONE STRAIN OF BEETLE.

WELL, DR. LACK, SURELY WE CAN
DEAL WITH ONE STRAIN OF BEETLE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF

DEAL WITH ONE STRAIN OF BEETLE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF
IT, JANE.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF
IT, JANE.
EVEN IF WE SUCCEED IN STOPPING

IT, JANE.
EVEN IF WE SUCCEED IN STOPPING
THE LENS BEETLE, BY EARLY 1980,

EVEN IF WE SUCCEED IN STOPPING
THE LENS BEETLE, BY EARLY 1980,
WE'LL BE SURROUNDED BY FUNNY

THE LENS BEETLE, BY EARLY 1980,
WE'LL BE SURROUNDED BY FUNNY
ANTS.

WE'LL BE SURROUNDED BY FUNNY
ANTS.
WELL, WE'RE VERY SHORT OF

ANTS.
WELL, WE'RE VERY SHORT OF
TIME, DR. LACK, BUT COULD YOU

WELL, WE'RE VERY SHORT OF
TIME, DR. LACK, BUT COULD YOU
EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY FUNNY

TIME, DR. LACK, BUT COULD YOU
EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY FUNNY
ANTS?

EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY FUNNY
ANTS?
THE SO-CALLED FUNNY ANTS ARE

ANTS?
THE SO-CALLED FUNNY ANTS ARE
GANGS OF IMMATURE BLACK ANTS WHO

THE SO-CALLED FUNNY ANTS ARE
GANGS OF IMMATURE BLACK ANTS WHO
THINK THEY'RE REAL FUNNY.

GANGS OF IMMATURE BLACK ANTS WHO
THINK THEY'RE REAL FUNNY.
THEY TRY TO WIN THE APPROVAL OF

THINK THEY'RE REAL FUNNY.
THEY TRY TO WIN THE APPROVAL OF
OTHER INSECTS WITH ALL SORTS OF

THEY TRY TO WIN THE APPROVAL OF
OTHER INSECTS WITH ALL SORTS OF
SOPHOMORIC TRICKS AND PRACTICAL

OTHER INSECTS WITH ALL SORTS OF
SOPHOMORIC TRICKS AND PRACTICAL
JOKES, USUALLY DIRECTED TOWARD

SOPHOMORIC TRICKS AND PRACTICAL
JOKES, USUALLY DIRECTED TOWARD
HUMANS.

JOKES, USUALLY DIRECTED TOWARD
HUMANS.
IN THE COURSE OF MY RESEARCH, I

HUMANS.
IN THE COURSE OF MY RESEARCH, I
ONCE WATCHED A COLONY OF 200

IN THE COURSE OF MY RESEARCH, I
ONCE WATCHED A COLONY OF 200
ANTS CARRYING A BAG OF DOG DOO

ONCE WATCHED A COLONY OF 200
ANTS CARRYING A BAG OF DOG DOO
FOR A DISTANCE OF SIX BLOCKS.

ANTS CARRYING A BAG OF DOG DOO
FOR A DISTANCE OF SIX BLOCKS.
EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK...

FOR A DISTANCE OF SIX BLOCKS.
EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK...
I WATCHED THEM LAY THE BAG AT

EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK...
I WATCHED THEM LAY THE BAG AT
SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP, LIGHT IT ON

I WATCHED THEM LAY THE BAG AT
SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP, LIGHT IT ON
FIRE, THEN STAND ON EACH OTHER'S

SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP, LIGHT IT ON
FIRE, THEN STAND ON EACH OTHER'S
SHOULDER TILL THEY REACHED THE

FIRE, THEN STAND ON EACH OTHER'S
SHOULDER TILL THEY REACHED THE
DOORBELL.

SHOULDER TILL THEY REACHED THE
DOORBELL.
EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK, WE ARE

DOORBELL.
EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK, WE ARE
OUT OF TIME.

EXCUSE ME, DR. LACK, WE ARE
OUT OF TIME.
HAVE YOU EVER STOOD THERE AND

OUT OF TIME.
HAVE YOU EVER STOOD THERE AND
BEEN LAUGHED AT BY A GROUP OF

HAVE YOU EVER STOOD THERE AND
BEEN LAUGHED AT BY A GROUP OF
ANTS?

BEEN LAUGHED AT BY A GROUP OF
ANTS?
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?

ANTS?
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?
THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?
THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING WITH YOU.
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU.

THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING WITH YOU.
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION
OF "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY

THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION
OF "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY
ABOUT."

OF "MORE INSECTS TO WORRY
ABOUT."
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

[Southern accent] OKAY,
GALS, ARE Y'ALL READY TO BEGIN
CLASS?

GALS, ARE Y'ALL READY TO BEGIN
CLASS?
DICKIE NELL, LURLENE, GAYVETTE,

CLASS?
DICKIE NELL, LURLENE, GAYVETTE,
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO REITERATE

DICKIE NELL, LURLENE, GAYVETTE,
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO REITERATE
THAT TOTAL WOMANHOOD HAS WORKED

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO REITERATE
THAT TOTAL WOMANHOOD HAS WORKED
FOR ME, MARIBEL MORGAN, AND

THAT TOTAL WOMANHOOD HAS WORKED
FOR ME, MARIBEL MORGAN, AND
IT WILL WORK FOR YOU.

FOR ME, MARIBEL MORGAN, AND
IT WILL WORK FOR YOU.
I DO BELIEVE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE

IT WILL WORK FOR YOU.
I DO BELIEVE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE
FOR ANY WIFE TO HAVE HER HUSBAND

I DO BELIEVE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE
FOR ANY WIFE TO HAVE HER HUSBAND
ABSOLUTELY ADORE HER IN JUST A

FOR ANY WIFE TO HAVE HER HUSBAND
ABSOLUTELY ADORE HER IN JUST A
FEW WEEKS' TIME IF SHE IS

ABSOLUTELY ADORE HER IN JUST A
FEW WEEKS' TIME IF SHE IS
WILLING TO GIVE UP BEING A

FEW WEEKS' TIME IF SHE IS
WILLING TO GIVE UP BEING A
PERSON.

WILLING TO GIVE UP BEING A
PERSON.
LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS, SERVE

PERSON.
LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS, SERVE
YOUR HUSBAND AS YOU WOULD SERVE

LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS, SERVE
YOUR HUSBAND AS YOU WOULD SERVE
THE LORD.

YOUR HUSBAND AS YOU WOULD SERVE
THE LORD.
ONLY SERVE HIM SMALLER PORTIONS.

THE LORD.
ONLY SERVE HIM SMALLER PORTIONS.
NOW, GIRLS, LET'S HAVE A

ONLY SERVE HIM SMALLER PORTIONS.
NOW, GIRLS, LET'S HAVE A
PROGRESS REPORT ON HOW TOTAL

NOW, GIRLS, LET'S HAVE A
PROGRESS REPORT ON HOW TOTAL
WOMANHOOD IS WORKING IN YOUR

PROGRESS REPORT ON HOW TOTAL
WOMANHOOD IS WORKING IN YOUR
EACH AND INDIVIDUAL HOMES.

WOMANHOOD IS WORKING IN YOUR
EACH AND INDIVIDUAL HOMES.
GAYVETTE?

EACH AND INDIVIDUAL HOMES.
GAYVETTE?
OKAY, WELL, I CONCENTRATED ON

GAYVETTE?
OKAY, WELL, I CONCENTRATED ON
RULE NUMBER ONE, ALWAYS LOOK

OKAY, WELL, I CONCENTRATED ON
RULE NUMBER ONE, ALWAYS LOOK
YOUR LOVELIEST FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

RULE NUMBER ONE, ALWAYS LOOK
YOUR LOVELIEST FOR YOUR HUSBAND.
LIKE, LAST WEEK, I GOT THE

YOUR LOVELIEST FOR YOUR HUSBAND.
LIKE, LAST WEEK, I GOT THE
UGLIEST LITTLE OLD BOIL ON THE

LIKE, LAST WEEK, I GOT THE
UGLIEST LITTLE OLD BOIL ON THE
BACK OF MY NECK.

UGLIEST LITTLE OLD BOIL ON THE
BACK OF MY NECK.
AND I HID IN THE BASEMENT FOR A

BACK OF MY NECK.
AND I HID IN THE BASEMENT FOR A
COUPLE OF DAYS TILL IT WENT

AND I HID IN THE BASEMENT FOR A
COUPLE OF DAYS TILL IT WENT
AWAY.

COUPLE OF DAYS TILL IT WENT
AWAY.
GOOD MOVE, GAYVETTE!

AWAY.
GOOD MOVE, GAYVETTE!
NOW, DICKIE NELL, WHAT WERE YOU

GOOD MOVE, GAYVETTE!
NOW, DICKIE NELL, WHAT WERE YOU
WORKING ON?

NOW, DICKIE NELL, WHAT WERE YOU
WORKING ON?
NEVER REFUSE YOUR HUSBAND

WORKING ON?
NEVER REFUSE YOUR HUSBAND
SEX, WHATEVER, WHEREVER,

NEVER REFUSE YOUR HUSBAND
SEX, WHATEVER, WHEREVER,
WHENEVER.

SEX, WHATEVER, WHEREVER,
WHENEVER.
NOW, AFTER MY GALLBLADDER

WHENEVER.
NOW, AFTER MY GALLBLADDER
OPERATION, MY VERNE GOT SO

NOW, AFTER MY GALLBLADDER
OPERATION, MY VERNE GOT SO
TURNED ON BY MY PAPER NIGHTIE

OPERATION, MY VERNE GOT SO
TURNED ON BY MY PAPER NIGHTIE
THAT HE STARTED COMING ON TO ME

TURNED ON BY MY PAPER NIGHTIE
THAT HE STARTED COMING ON TO ME
RIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL BED.

THAT HE STARTED COMING ON TO ME
RIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL BED.
WELL, I DID NOT PROTEST,

RIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL BED.
WELL, I DID NOT PROTEST,
MARIBEL, EVEN THOUGH WITHOUT MY

WELL, I DID NOT PROTEST,
MARIBEL, EVEN THOUGH WITHOUT MY
GALLBLADDER, I DID NOT FEEL MUCH

MARIBEL, EVEN THOUGH WITHOUT MY
GALLBLADDER, I DID NOT FEEL MUCH
LIKE THE TOTAL WOMAN.

GALLBLADDER, I DID NOT FEEL MUCH
LIKE THE TOTAL WOMAN.
NOW, DICKIE NELL, YOU SHOULD

LIKE THE TOTAL WOMAN.
NOW, DICKIE NELL, YOU SHOULD
HAVE TAKEN JUST A MOMENT OUT TO

NOW, DICKIE NELL, YOU SHOULD
HAVE TAKEN JUST A MOMENT OUT TO
CHECK YOUR GRATITUDE METER.

HAVE TAKEN JUST A MOMENT OUT TO
CHECK YOUR GRATITUDE METER.
I MEAN, WHO WAS PAYING FOR THAT

CHECK YOUR GRATITUDE METER.
I MEAN, WHO WAS PAYING FOR THAT
OPERATION?

I MEAN, WHO WAS PAYING FOR THAT
OPERATION?
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

OPERATION?
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
MARIBEL, HONEY, I HATE TO

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
MARIBEL, HONEY, I HATE TO
DISTURB YOU, HONEY, BUT THE KIDS

MARIBEL, HONEY, I HATE TO
DISTURB YOU, HONEY, BUT THE KIDS
AND I, WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE

DISTURB YOU, HONEY, BUT THE KIDS
AND I, WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE
HUNGRY.

AND I, WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE
HUNGRY.
WE'RE WONDERING WHEN WE'RE GONNA

HUNGRY.
WE'RE WONDERING WHEN WE'RE GONNA
EAT.

WE'RE WONDERING WHEN WE'RE GONNA
EAT.
ISN'T HE ADORABLE?

EAT.
ISN'T HE ADORABLE?
NOW, HANDS OFF CHARLIE, GIRLS.

ISN'T HE ADORABLE?
NOW, HANDS OFF CHARLIE, GIRLS.
HE'S ALL MINE.

NOW, HANDS OFF CHARLIE, GIRLS.
HE'S ALL MINE.
LURLENE, HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT

HE'S ALL MINE.
LURLENE, HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT
WITH YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT?

LURLENE, HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT
WITH YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT?
WELL, I PRACTICED THRILLING

WITH YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT?
WELL, I PRACTICED THRILLING
JOE BOB AT THE FRONT DOOR IN A

WELL, I PRACTICED THRILLING
JOE BOB AT THE FRONT DOOR IN A
SEXY NEW COSTUME EVERY NIGHT.

JOE BOB AT THE FRONT DOOR IN A
SEXY NEW COSTUME EVERY NIGHT.
WEDNESDAY, I PUT ON THE TOP HALF

SEXY NEW COSTUME EVERY NIGHT.
WEDNESDAY, I PUT ON THE TOP HALF
OF MY MAJORETTE UNIFORM.

WEDNESDAY, I PUT ON THE TOP HALF
OF MY MAJORETTE UNIFORM.
THURSDAY, I GREETED HIM IN TWO

OF MY MAJORETTE UNIFORM.
THURSDAY, I GREETED HIM IN TWO
DIXIE CUPS AND A HANDI WIPE.

THURSDAY, I GREETED HIM IN TWO
DIXIE CUPS AND A HANDI WIPE.
AND LAST NIGHT, I WORE NOTHING

DIXIE CUPS AND A HANDI WIPE.
AND LAST NIGHT, I WORE NOTHING
BUT A DRY-CLEANER'S BAG AND A

AND LAST NIGHT, I WORE NOTHING
BUT A DRY-CLEANER'S BAG AND A
HEFTY-BAG TWIST AROUND MY NECK.

BUT A DRY-CLEANER'S BAG AND A
HEFTY-BAG TWIST AROUND MY NECK.
AND HOW DID IT GO OVER WITH

HEFTY-BAG TWIST AROUND MY NECK.
AND HOW DID IT GO OVER WITH
JOE BOB?

AND HOW DID IT GO OVER WITH
JOE BOB?
WELL, HE JUST ATE IT UP WITH

JOE BOB?
WELL, HE JUST ATE IT UP WITH
A FORK.

WELL, HE JUST ATE IT UP WITH
A FORK.
ATTAGIRL, LURLENE.

A FORK.
ATTAGIRL, LURLENE.
OKAY, NOW, WHY DON'T WE ACT OUT

ATTAGIRL, LURLENE.
OKAY, NOW, WHY DON'T WE ACT OUT
THAT LITTLE TOTAL WOMAN PLAY

OKAY, NOW, WHY DON'T WE ACT OUT
THAT LITTLE TOTAL WOMAN PLAY
THAT WE DO HAVE PLANNED?

THAT LITTLE TOTAL WOMAN PLAY
THAT WE DO HAVE PLANNED?
DO YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME,

THAT WE DO HAVE PLANNED?
DO YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME,
DICKIE NELL?

DO YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME,
DICKIE NELL?
YES, I DO.

DICKIE NELL?
YES, I DO.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.

YES, I DO.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
OKAY, GAYVETTE, WHY DON'T YOU

IT'S RIGHT HERE.
OKAY, GAYVETTE, WHY DON'T YOU
PLAY THE PART OF THE HUSBAND?

OKAY, GAYVETTE, WHY DON'T YOU
PLAY THE PART OF THE HUSBAND?
GOOD, YOU GOT THE HAT.

PLAY THE PART OF THE HUSBAND?
GOOD, YOU GOT THE HAT.
OKAY, FABULOUS.

GOOD, YOU GOT THE HAT.
OKAY, FABULOUS.
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

OKAY, FABULOUS.
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
OH, WHOO!

THANK YOU.
OH, WHOO!
ALL RIGHT.

OH, WHOO!
ALL RIGHT.
SAVE MY DRESS.

ALL RIGHT.
SAVE MY DRESS.
ALL RIGHT.

SAVE MY DRESS.
ALL RIGHT.
HONEY, I'M HOME.

ALL RIGHT.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
OH, MY LORD AND MASTER.

HONEY, I'M HOME.
OH, MY LORD AND MASTER.
I MISSED YOU TERRIBLY.

OH, MY LORD AND MASTER.
I MISSED YOU TERRIBLY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

I MISSED YOU TERRIBLY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
WELL, IT WAS HELL OUT THERE.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
WELL, IT WAS HELL OUT THERE.
I'M BEAT.

WELL, IT WAS HELL OUT THERE.
I'M BEAT.
OH, WELL, HONEY, HAVE A SEAT.

I'M BEAT.
OH, WELL, HONEY, HAVE A SEAT.
LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR PIPE,

OH, WELL, HONEY, HAVE A SEAT.
LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR PIPE,
AND I BROUGHT YOU YOUR SLIPPERS,

LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU YOUR PIPE,
AND I BROUGHT YOU YOUR SLIPPERS,
AND HERE'S THE NEWSPAPER OPENED

AND I BROUGHT YOU YOUR SLIPPERS,
AND HERE'S THE NEWSPAPER OPENED
TO THE SPORTS SECTION, AND

AND HERE'S THE NEWSPAPER OPENED
TO THE SPORTS SECTION, AND
HERE'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK.

TO THE SPORTS SECTION, AND
HERE'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S A

HERE'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S A
REAL SEXY GETUP.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S A
REAL SEXY GETUP.
AND THAT DOG COLLAR MAKES ME

REAL SEXY GETUP.
AND THAT DOG COLLAR MAKES ME
HOT.

AND THAT DOG COLLAR MAKES ME
HOT.
OH!

HOT.
OH!
OH, WELL, SNOOKUMS, I JUST PUT

OH!
OH, WELL, SNOOKUMS, I JUST PUT
ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO BED

OH, WELL, SNOOKUMS, I JUST PUT
ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO BED
EARLY SO WE COULD HAVE SOME HOT

ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO BED
EARLY SO WE COULD HAVE SOME HOT
FUN.

EARLY SO WE COULD HAVE SOME HOT
FUN.
OOH-WHEE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE

FUN.
OOH-WHEE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
FUN!

OOH-WHEE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
FUN!
WHERE SHOULD WE HAVE IT TONIGHT?

FUN!
WHERE SHOULD WE HAVE IT TONIGHT?
WELL...

WHERE SHOULD WE HAVE IT TONIGHT?
WELL...
HOW ABOUT ON THE BAR, UNDER THE

WELL...
HOW ABOUT ON THE BAR, UNDER THE
STUFFED MARLIN?

HOW ABOUT ON THE BAR, UNDER THE
STUFFED MARLIN?
YAHOO! WHAT A GREAT IDEA TO

STUFFED MARLIN?
YAHOO! WHAT A GREAT IDEA TO
PERK UP OUR MARRIAGE!

YAHOO! WHAT A GREAT IDEA TO
PERK UP OUR MARRIAGE!
VERY GOOD, GIRLS. VERY GOOD.

PERK UP OUR MARRIAGE!
VERY GOOD, GIRLS. VERY GOOD.
LURLENE, DO YOU HAVE ANY

VERY GOOD, GIRLS. VERY GOOD.
LURLENE, DO YOU HAVE ANY
COMMENTS?

LURLENE, DO YOU HAVE ANY
COMMENTS?
WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL

COMMENTS?
WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL
DICKIE NELL WAS OBSEQUIOUS

WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL
DICKIE NELL WAS OBSEQUIOUS
ENOUGH.

DICKIE NELL WAS OBSEQUIOUS
ENOUGH.
I'M SORRY.

ENOUGH.
I'M SORRY.
OH, THAT'S VERY...

I'M SORRY.
OH, THAT'S VERY...
DICKIE NELL... GOOD POINT.

OH, THAT'S VERY...
DICKIE NELL... GOOD POINT.
PLEASE BRUSH UP ON YOUR

DICKIE NELL... GOOD POINT.
PLEASE BRUSH UP ON YOUR
GROVELING, OKAY?

PLEASE BRUSH UP ON YOUR
GROVELING, OKAY?
YES, I WILL.

GROVELING, OKAY?
YES, I WILL.
ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH FOR

YES, I WILL.
ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH FOR
TONIGHT, GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH FOR
TONIGHT, GIRLS.
I THINK WE SHOULD ALL JOIN HANDS

TONIGHT, GIRLS.
I THINK WE SHOULD ALL JOIN HANDS
IN OUR TOTAL WOMAN DEVOTIONAL.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL JOIN HANDS
IN OUR TOTAL WOMAN DEVOTIONAL.
OH, LORD, IN TIMES OF TEARFUL

IN OUR TOTAL WOMAN DEVOTIONAL.
OH, LORD, IN TIMES OF TEARFUL
STRIFE, DRY UP OUR DUCTS.

OH, LORD, IN TIMES OF TEARFUL
STRIFE, DRY UP OUR DUCTS.
WHENSOEVER WE SHOULD FEEL TIRED,

STRIFE, DRY UP OUR DUCTS.
WHENSOEVER WE SHOULD FEEL TIRED,
ENABLE US TO SMILE, EVEN WHEN

WHENSOEVER WE SHOULD FEEL TIRED,
ENABLE US TO SMILE, EVEN WHEN
OUR BODIES NEED IRON.

ENABLE US TO SMILE, EVEN WHEN
OUR BODIES NEED IRON.
AMEN, AMEN.

OUR BODIES NEED IRON.
AMEN, AMEN.
AND WHENSOEVER OUR LITTLE

AMEN, AMEN.
AND WHENSOEVER OUR LITTLE
HUBBIES SHOULD JUST COME HOME

AND WHENSOEVER OUR LITTLE
HUBBIES SHOULD JUST COME HOME
DRUNKER THAN A SKUNK WITH FIVE

HUBBIES SHOULD JUST COME HOME
DRUNKER THAN A SKUNK WITH FIVE
OF HIS ARMY FRIENDS AND WANTS US

DRUNKER THAN A SKUNK WITH FIVE
OF HIS ARMY FRIENDS AND WANTS US
TO WHIP UP A LITTLE SIRLOIN TIP,

OF HIS ARMY FRIENDS AND WANTS US
TO WHIP UP A LITTLE SIRLOIN TIP,
THEN PLEASE, THOU RENEW OUR

TO WHIP UP A LITTLE SIRLOIN TIP,
THEN PLEASE, THOU RENEW OUR
VALIUM PRESCRIPTION.

THEN PLEASE, THOU RENEW OUR
VALIUM PRESCRIPTION.
AND, LORD, LET IT BE NOT 5s, BUT

VALIUM PRESCRIPTION.
AND, LORD, LET IT BE NOT 5s, BUT
10s.

AND, LORD, LET IT BE NOT 5s, BUT
10s.
All: AMEN!

NOW HERE'S A GOOD OL' BOY I
THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE...
WILLIE NELSON!

THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE...
WILLIE NELSON!
[PLAYING INTRO TO

WILLIE NELSON!
[PLAYING INTRO TO
"WHISKEY RIVER"]

[PLAYING INTRO TO
"WHISKEY RIVER"]
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY

["WHISKEY RIVER"]
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY
MIND ♪

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY
MIND ♪
♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY

MIND ♪
♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN

TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN
DRY ♪

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN
DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF
ME ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF
ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪

ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪
♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪
♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪

TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF
ME ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF
ME ♪
♪ I'M DROWNING IN A WHISKEY

ME ♪
♪ I'M DROWNING IN A WHISKEY
RIVER ♪

♪ I'M DROWNING IN A WHISKEY
RIVER ♪
♪ BATHING MY MEMORIED MIND

RIVER ♪
♪ BATHING MY MEMORIED MIND
IN THE WETNESS OF ITS SOUL ♪

♪ BATHING MY MEMORIED MIND
IN THE WETNESS OF ITS SOUL ♪
♪ FEELING THE AMBER CURRENT

IN THE WETNESS OF ITS SOUL ♪
♪ FEELING THE AMBER CURRENT
FLOWING FROM MY MIND ♪

♪ FEELING THE AMBER CURRENT
FLOWING FROM MY MIND ♪
♪ AND WARM AN EMPTY HEART YOU

FLOWING FROM MY MIND ♪
♪ AND WARM AN EMPTY HEART YOU
LEFT SO COLD ♪

♪ AND WARM AN EMPTY HEART YOU
LEFT SO COLD ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪

LEFT SO COLD ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪
♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪
♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪

TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF
ME ♪

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, TAKE MY MIND ♪
♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪

♪ AND DON'T LET HER MEMORY
TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪

TORTURE ME ♪
♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF

♪ WHISKEY RIVER, DON'T RUN DRY ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF
ME ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL I GOT, TAKE CARE OF
ME ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ME ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[PLAYING INTRO TO

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[PLAYING INTRO TO
"BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN"]

[PLAYING INTRO TO
"BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN"]
♪ IN THE TWILIGHT GLOW, I SEE

["BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN"]
♪ IN THE TWILIGHT GLOW, I SEE
HER ♪

♪ IN THE TWILIGHT GLOW, I SEE
HER ♪
♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪

HER ♪
♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE AND

♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE AND
PARTED ♪

♪ AND WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE AND
PARTED ♪
♪ I KNEW THAT WE'D NEVER MEET

PARTED ♪
♪ I KNEW THAT WE'D NEVER MEET
AGAIN ♪

♪ I KNEW THAT WE'D NEVER MEET
AGAIN ♪
♪ LOVE IS LIKE A DYING EMBER ♪

AGAIN ♪
♪ LOVE IS LIKE A DYING EMBER ♪
♪ ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN ♪

♪ LOVE IS LIKE A DYING EMBER ♪
♪ ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN ♪
♪ AND THROUGH THE AGES, I'LL

♪ ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN ♪
♪ AND THROUGH THE AGES, I'LL
REMEMBER ♪

♪ AND THROUGH THE AGES, I'LL
REMEMBER ♪
♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ SOME DAY, WHEN WE MEET UP
YONDER ♪
♪ WE'LL STROLL HAND IN HAND

YONDER ♪
♪ WE'LL STROLL HAND IN HAND
AGAIN ♪

♪ WE'LL STROLL HAND IN HAND
AGAIN ♪
♪ IN A LAND THAT KNOWS NO

AGAIN ♪
♪ IN A LAND THAT KNOWS NO
PARTING ♪

♪ IN A LAND THAT KNOWS NO
PARTING ♪
♪ BLUE EYES CRYIN' IN THE RAIN ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

TONIGHT ON "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
ANWAR SADAT BRUSHES UP ON JEWISH
EXPRESSIONS.

ANWAR SADAT BRUSHES UP ON JEWISH
EXPRESSIONS.
THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND

EXPRESSIONS.
THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND
UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT.

THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND
UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND

UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND SITTING IN FOR

GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND SITTING IN FOR
JANE CURTIN...

DAN AYKROYD, AND SITTING IN FOR
JANE CURTIN...
IS JANE CURTIN.

JANE CURTIN...
IS JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, UNDER A

IS JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, UNDER A
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PRISONER

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, UNDER A
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PRISONER
EXCHANGE TREATY WITH MEXICO,

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PRISONER
EXCHANGE TREATY WITH MEXICO,
AMERICANS IN MEXICAN PRISONS ARE

EXCHANGE TREATY WITH MEXICO,
AMERICANS IN MEXICAN PRISONS ARE
BEING SENT BACK TO PRISONS IN

AMERICANS IN MEXICAN PRISONS ARE
BEING SENT BACK TO PRISONS IN
THE UNITED STATES.

BEING SENT BACK TO PRISONS IN
THE UNITED STATES.
THE FIRST GROUP ARRIVED IN

THE UNITED STATES.
THE FIRST GROUP ARRIVED IN
CALIFORNIA YESTERDAY, IN KEEPING

THE FIRST GROUP ARRIVED IN
CALIFORNIA YESTERDAY, IN KEEPING
WITH THE GOODWILL AND SPIRIT OF

CALIFORNIA YESTERDAY, IN KEEPING
WITH THE GOODWILL AND SPIRIT OF
THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

WITH THE GOODWILL AND SPIRIT OF
THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
THE U.S. IS SENDING MEXICO AN

THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
THE U.S. IS SENDING MEXICO AN
EQUAL NUMBER OF SANTA CLAUSES,

THE U.S. IS SENDING MEXICO AN
EQUAL NUMBER OF SANTA CLAUSES,
WHO WILL BE THROWN INTO MEXICAN

EQUAL NUMBER OF SANTA CLAUSES,
WHO WILL BE THROWN INTO MEXICAN
PRISONS IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.

WHO WILL BE THROWN INTO MEXICAN
PRISONS IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.
EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT

PRISONS IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.
EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT
ANWAR AL-SADAT THIS WEEK

EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT
ANWAR AL-SADAT THIS WEEK
ATTACKED ARAB-NATION CRITICS OF

ANWAR AL-SADAT THIS WEEK
ATTACKED ARAB-NATION CRITICS OF
HIS ISRAELI PEACE PROPOSALS.

ATTACKED ARAB-NATION CRITICS OF
HIS ISRAELI PEACE PROPOSALS.
HE SAID THOSE WHO ARE CASTING

HIS ISRAELI PEACE PROPOSALS.
HE SAID THOSE WHO ARE CASTING
DOUBTS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE

HE SAID THOSE WHO ARE CASTING
DOUBTS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE
DWARFS.

DOUBTS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE
DWARFS.
SADAT IS SHOWN HERE ADDRESSING

DWARFS.
SADAT IS SHOWN HERE ADDRESSING
HIS CRITICS FACE-TO-FACE.

SADAT IS SHOWN HERE ADDRESSING
HIS CRITICS FACE-TO-FACE.
AFTER 14 YEARS OF CONTROVERSY,

HIS CRITICS FACE-TO-FACE.
AFTER 14 YEARS OF CONTROVERSY,
AMERICANS STILL AREN'T SATISFIED

AFTER 14 YEARS OF CONTROVERSY,
AMERICANS STILL AREN'T SATISFIED
THAT WE HAVE AN ACCURATE

AMERICANS STILL AREN'T SATISFIED
THAT WE HAVE AN ACCURATE
UNDERSTANDING ON HOW

THAT WE HAVE AN ACCURATE
UNDERSTANDING ON HOW
PRESIDENT KENNEDY DIED.

UNDERSTANDING ON HOW
PRESIDENT KENNEDY DIED.
ADMITTING THAT THEY MIGHT NEED

PRESIDENT KENNEDY DIED.
ADMITTING THAT THEY MIGHT NEED
ADDITIONAL OUTSIDE HELP IN THIS

ADMITTING THAT THEY MIGHT NEED
ADDITIONAL OUTSIDE HELP IN THIS
INVESTIGATION, THE CIA HAS

ADDITIONAL OUTSIDE HELP IN THIS
INVESTIGATION, THE CIA HAS
APPEALED, ODDLY ENOUGH, TO THE

INVESTIGATION, THE CIA HAS
APPEALED, ODDLY ENOUGH, TO THE
COMMITTEE WHO CONDUCTED A RECENT

APPEALED, ODDLY ENOUGH, TO THE
COMMITTEE WHO CONDUCTED A RECENT
INQUEST OF THE STEVE BIKO CASE

COMMITTEE WHO CONDUCTED A RECENT
INQUEST OF THE STEVE BIKO CASE
IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA.

INQUEST OF THE STEVE BIKO CASE
IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA.
THEIR FINDINGS... JOHN KENNEDY

IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA.
THEIR FINDINGS... JOHN KENNEDY
DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.

THEIR FINDINGS... JOHN KENNEDY
DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.
HIS HEAD WOUNDS WERE

DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.
HIS HEAD WOUNDS WERE
SELF-INFLICTED AND

HIS HEAD WOUNDS WERE
SELF-INFLICTED AND
LEE HARVEY OSWALD DIED AS A

SELF-INFLICTED AND
LEE HARVEY OSWALD DIED AS A
RESULT OF A HUNGER STRIKE,

LEE HARVEY OSWALD DIED AS A
RESULT OF A HUNGER STRIKE,
CLEARING THE DALLAS POLICE

RESULT OF A HUNGER STRIKE,
CLEARING THE DALLAS POLICE
DEPARTMENT OF NEGLIGENCE, AS

CLEARING THE DALLAS POLICE
DEPARTMENT OF NEGLIGENCE, AS
ORIGINALLY REPORTED.

DEPARTMENT OF NEGLIGENCE, AS
ORIGINALLY REPORTED.
THANK GOD NOW WE HAVE THE

ORIGINALLY REPORTED.
THANK GOD NOW WE HAVE THE
ANSWERS, DAN.

THANK GOD NOW WE HAVE THE
ANSWERS, DAN.
I'LL SAY, JANE.

ANSWERS, DAN.
I'LL SAY, JANE.
WELL, NBC IS REVIVING THAT

I'LL SAY, JANE.
WELL, NBC IS REVIVING THAT
CLASSIC COMEDY OF YESTERYEAR

WELL, NBC IS REVIVING THAT
CLASSIC COMEDY OF YESTERYEAR
"THE AMOS 'N ANDY SHOW."

CLASSIC COMEDY OF YESTERYEAR
"THE AMOS 'N ANDY SHOW."
THE TV PROGRAM HAD BEEN CANCELED

"THE AMOS 'N ANDY SHOW."
THE TV PROGRAM HAD BEEN CANCELED
IN THE LATE 1950s DUE TO

THE TV PROGRAM HAD BEEN CANCELED
IN THE LATE 1950s DUE TO
OBJECTIONS FROM BLACK-PRESSURE

IN THE LATE 1950s DUE TO
OBJECTIONS FROM BLACK-PRESSURE
GROUPS.

OBJECTIONS FROM BLACK-PRESSURE
GROUPS.
BUT THE NETWORK NOW FEELS THAT

GROUPS.
BUT THE NETWORK NOW FEELS THAT
THE NEW SHOW HAS CHANGED THE

BUT THE NETWORK NOW FEELS THAT
THE NEW SHOW HAS CHANGED THE
DEROGATORY RACIAL STEREOTYPES TO

THE NEW SHOW HAS CHANGED THE
DEROGATORY RACIAL STEREOTYPES TO
PROJECT A POSITIVE IMAGE OF THE

DEROGATORY RACIAL STEREOTYPES TO
PROJECT A POSITIVE IMAGE OF THE
AFRO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY.

PROJECT A POSITIVE IMAGE OF THE
AFRO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY.
THE SERIES IS RETITLED "TO BE

AFRO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY.
THE SERIES IS RETITLED "TO BE
YOUNG, BLACK, GIFTED, AND

THE SERIES IS RETITLED "TO BE
YOUNG, BLACK, GIFTED, AND
FUNNY."

YOUNG, BLACK, GIFTED, AND
FUNNY."
AMOS, A TYPICAL BLACK BRAIN

FUNNY."
AMOS, A TYPICAL BLACK BRAIN
SURGEON, AND ANDY, A GULLIBLE

AMOS, A TYPICAL BLACK BRAIN
SURGEON, AND ANDY, A GULLIBLE
OLYMPIC SWIMMING COACH, FALL

SURGEON, AND ANDY, A GULLIBLE
OLYMPIC SWIMMING COACH, FALL
EASY PREY TO THE GET-RICH-QUICK

OLYMPIC SWIMMING COACH, FALL
EASY PREY TO THE GET-RICH-QUICK
SCHEMES OF THE KINGFISH, A WILY

EASY PREY TO THE GET-RICH-QUICK
SCHEMES OF THE KINGFISH, A WILY
WALL STREET INVESTMENT BROKER.

SCHEMES OF THE KINGFISH, A WILY
WALL STREET INVESTMENT BROKER.
ONE MAJOR CHANGE... CALHOUN, THE

WALL STREET INVESTMENT BROKER.
ONE MAJOR CHANGE... CALHOUN, THE
IDEALISTIC CIVIL-RIGHTS LAWYER,

ONE MAJOR CHANGE... CALHOUN, THE
IDEALISTIC CIVIL-RIGHTS LAWYER,
IS NOW A WOMAN, AND WILL BE

IDEALISTIC CIVIL-RIGHTS LAWYER,
IS NOW A WOMAN, AND WILL BE
PLAYED BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

IS NOW A WOMAN, AND WILL BE
PLAYED BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
WITH SHOE POLISH ALL OVER HER

PLAYED BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
WITH SHOE POLISH ALL OVER HER
FACE.

WITH SHOE POLISH ALL OVER HER
FACE.
IN A RELATED STORY, BLACK

FACE.
IN A RELATED STORY, BLACK
PANTHER CO-FOUNDER HUEY NEWTON

IN A RELATED STORY, BLACK
PANTHER CO-FOUNDER HUEY NEWTON
SPOKE TO REPORTERS AND OFFERED

PANTHER CO-FOUNDER HUEY NEWTON
SPOKE TO REPORTERS AND OFFERED
INTERESTING INSIGHT INTO THE

SPOKE TO REPORTERS AND OFFERED
INTERESTING INSIGHT INTO THE
BLACK MOVEMENT OF THE '60s,

INTERESTING INSIGHT INTO THE
BLACK MOVEMENT OF THE '60s,
STATING THAT ORIGINALLY, THE

BLACK MOVEMENT OF THE '60s,
STATING THAT ORIGINALLY, THE
PANTHERS WERE GOING TO BE CALLED

STATING THAT ORIGINALLY, THE
PANTHERS WERE GOING TO BE CALLED
THE DUCKS, AN ORGANIZATION THAT

PANTHERS WERE GOING TO BE CALLED
THE DUCKS, AN ORGANIZATION THAT
HUEY CO-FOUNDED WITH HIS

THE DUCKS, AN ORGANIZATION THAT
HUEY CO-FOUNDED WITH HIS
BROTHERS LOUIE, DEWIE, AND UNCLE

HUEY CO-FOUNDED WITH HIS
BROTHERS LOUIE, DEWIE, AND UNCLE
DONALD.

BROTHERS LOUIE, DEWIE, AND UNCLE
DONALD.
AND THERE'S THAT PICTURE WE WERE

DONALD.
AND THERE'S THAT PICTURE WE WERE
WAITING FOR.

AND THERE'S THAT PICTURE WE WERE
WAITING FOR.
LOUIE, DEWIE, UNCLE DONALD.

WAITING FOR.
LOUIE, DEWIE, UNCLE DONALD.
DUCK BIRD.

LOUIE, DEWIE, UNCLE DONALD.
DUCK BIRD.
REMEMBER DUCK BIRD?

DUCK BIRD.
REMEMBER DUCK BIRD?
THE BEAGLE BOYS.

REMEMBER DUCK BIRD?
THE BEAGLE BOYS.
I SURE DO, DAN.

THE BEAGLE BOYS.
I SURE DO, DAN.
OUR NEXT STORY...

I SURE DO, DAN.
OUR NEXT STORY...
CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!

OUR NEXT STORY...
CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!
CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!

CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!
CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!
[CLEARS THROAT]

CALL FOR GARRETT MORRIS!
[CLEARS THROAT]
AN ATLANTA, GEORGIA,

[CLEARS THROAT]
AN ATLANTA, GEORGIA,
UROLOGIST HAS ANNOUNCED THAT AN

AN ATLANTA, GEORGIA,
UROLOGIST HAS ANNOUNCED THAT AN
OPERATION TO REATTACH THE

UROLOGIST HAS ANNOUNCED THAT AN
OPERATION TO REATTACH THE
SEVERED PENIS OF A COLLEGE

OPERATION TO REATTACH THE
SEVERED PENIS OF A COLLEGE
STUDENT WAS A SUCCESS.

SEVERED PENIS OF A COLLEGE
STUDENT WAS A SUCCESS.
THE LUCKY STUDENT REPORTEDLY

STUDENT WAS A SUCCESS.
THE LUCKY STUDENT REPORTEDLY
COMMENTED THAT HE'S GLAD TO BE

THE LUCKY STUDENT REPORTEDLY
COMMENTED THAT HE'S GLAD TO BE
BACK IN SCHOOL AND ABLE TO CRAM

COMMENTED THAT HE'S GLAD TO BE
BACK IN SCHOOL AND ABLE TO CRAM
FOR HIS MIDTERM EXAMS.

BACK IN SCHOOL AND ABLE TO CRAM
FOR HIS MIDTERM EXAMS.
NOW HERE'S CORRESPONDENT

FOR HIS MIDTERM EXAMS.
NOW HERE'S CORRESPONDENT
LARAINE NEWMAN WITH A SPECIAL

NOW HERE'S CORRESPONDENT
LARAINE NEWMAN WITH A SPECIAL
REPORT ON LIE DETECTION.

LARAINE NEWMAN WITH A SPECIAL
REPORT ON LIE DETECTION.
LARAINE?

REPORT ON LIE DETECTION.
LARAINE?
THANK YOU, JANE.

LARAINE?
THANK YOU, JANE.
AT OHIO UNIVERSITY,

THANK YOU, JANE.
AT OHIO UNIVERSITY,
ROGER E. BENNETT HAS PROVEN THAT

AT OHIO UNIVERSITY,
ROGER E. BENNETT HAS PROVEN THAT
SPLIT-SECOND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

ROGER E. BENNETT HAS PROVEN THAT
SPLIT-SECOND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
KNOWN AS MICROMOMENTARIES OCCUR

SPLIT-SECOND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
KNOWN AS MICROMOMENTARIES OCCUR
AT THE PRECISE MOMENT A PERSON

KNOWN AS MICROMOMENTARIES OCCUR
AT THE PRECISE MOMENT A PERSON
IS TELLING A LIE.

AT THE PRECISE MOMENT A PERSON
IS TELLING A LIE.
HE SAYS HE CAN CATCH THE

IS TELLING A LIE.
HE SAYS HE CAN CATCH THE
EXPRESSIONS ON VIDEOTAPE, AND

HE SAYS HE CAN CATCH THE
EXPRESSIONS ON VIDEOTAPE, AND
CONSEQUENTLY, CATCH A LIAR IN

EXPRESSIONS ON VIDEOTAPE, AND
CONSEQUENTLY, CATCH A LIAR IN
THE ACT OF LYING BY SPOTTING THE

CONSEQUENTLY, CATCH A LIAR IN
THE ACT OF LYING BY SPOTTING THE
ALMOST INVISIBLE FACIAL

THE ACT OF LYING BY SPOTTING THE
ALMOST INVISIBLE FACIAL
EXPRESSIONS.

ALMOST INVISIBLE FACIAL
EXPRESSIONS.
RIGHT NOW, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE.

EXPRESSIONS.
RIGHT NOW, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE.
I WILL MAKE A STATEMENT AND SEE

RIGHT NOW, I SHALL DEMONSTRATE.
I WILL MAKE A STATEMENT AND SEE
IF YOU CAN DETECT THE FACIAL

I WILL MAKE A STATEMENT AND SEE
IF YOU CAN DETECT THE FACIAL
EXPRESSION THAT TELLS YOU I AM

IF YOU CAN DETECT THE FACIAL
EXPRESSION THAT TELLS YOU I AM
LYING.

EXPRESSION THAT TELLS YOU I AM
LYING.
I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.

LYING.
I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER

I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER
DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER
DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
THAT WAS A LOVELY COLOGNE YOU

DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
THAT WAS A LOVELY COLOGNE YOU
WERE WEARING.

THAT WAS A LOVELY COLOGNE YOU
WERE WEARING.
AND THAT WAS CERTAINLY A

WERE WEARING.
AND THAT WAS CERTAINLY A
DELICIOUS DINNER.

AND THAT WAS CERTAINLY A
DELICIOUS DINNER.
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T NOTICE

DELICIOUS DINNER.
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T NOTICE
ANYTHING TO GIVE AWAY MY TRUE

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T NOTICE
ANYTHING TO GIVE AWAY MY TRUE
FEELINGS, BUT MR. BENNETT'S

ANYTHING TO GIVE AWAY MY TRUE
FEELINGS, BUT MR. BENNETT'S
VIDEOTAPE METHOD WOULD HAVE

FEELINGS, BUT MR. BENNETT'S
VIDEOTAPE METHOD WOULD HAVE
REVEALED THEM TO YOU

VIDEOTAPE METHOD WOULD HAVE
REVEALED THEM TO YOU
IMMEDIATELY.

REVEALED THEM TO YOU
IMMEDIATELY.
JANE?

IMMEDIATELY.
JANE?
ADLAI STEVENSON.

JANE?
ADLAI STEVENSON.
IN MADRID LAST WEEK,

ADLAI STEVENSON.
IN MADRID LAST WEEK,
KING JUAN CARLOS...

IN MADRID LAST WEEK,
KING JUAN CARLOS...
EXCUSE ME.

KING JUAN CARLOS...
EXCUSE ME.
ISSUED A ROYAL DECREE WHICH

EXCUSE ME.
ISSUED A ROYAL DECREE WHICH
ABOLISHED ALL FILM CENSORSHIP

ISSUED A ROYAL DECREE WHICH
ABOLISHED ALL FILM CENSORSHIP
AND PAVED THE WAY FOR

ABOLISHED ALL FILM CENSORSHIP
AND PAVED THE WAY FOR
ESTABLISHMENT OF SPAIN'S FIRST

AND PAVED THE WAY FOR
ESTABLISHMENT OF SPAIN'S FIRST
X-RATED MOVIE INDUSTRY.

ESTABLISHMENT OF SPAIN'S FIRST
X-RATED MOVIE INDUSTRY.
REACTION FROM OTHER SPANISH

X-RATED MOVIE INDUSTRY.
REACTION FROM OTHER SPANISH
OFFICIALS WAS INSTANT AND

REACTION FROM OTHER SPANISH
OFFICIALS WAS INSTANT AND
WIDESPREAD, EXCEPT FOR

OFFICIALS WAS INSTANT AND
WIDESPREAD, EXCEPT FOR
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,

WIDESPREAD, EXCEPT FOR
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,
WHO AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS, WAS

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,
WHO AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS, WAS
STILL TOO DEAD TO MAKE A

WHO AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS, WAS
STILL TOO DEAD TO MAKE A
STATEMENT.

STILL TOO DEAD TO MAKE A
STATEMENT.
WELL, DESPITE WHAT WE MAY BE LED

STATEMENT.
WELL, DESPITE WHAT WE MAY BE LED
TO BELIEVE, THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS

WELL, DESPITE WHAT WE MAY BE LED
TO BELIEVE, THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS
THAT BLEAK BEHIND THE IRON

TO BELIEVE, THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS
THAT BLEAK BEHIND THE IRON
CURTAIN.

THAT BLEAK BEHIND THE IRON
CURTAIN.
THERE WAS A FESTIVE CELEBRATION

CURTAIN.
THERE WAS A FESTIVE CELEBRATION
YESTERDAY IN VOLNEG, BULGARIA,

THERE WAS A FESTIVE CELEBRATION
YESTERDAY IN VOLNEG, BULGARIA,
WHERE THE WINNER OF THE BALKAN

YESTERDAY IN VOLNEG, BULGARIA,
WHERE THE WINNER OF THE BALKAN
INTERNATIONAL FANCY-DRESS BALL

WHERE THE WINNER OF THE BALKAN
INTERNATIONAL FANCY-DRESS BALL
CLAIMED HIS PRIZE... TWO TONS OF

INTERNATIONAL FANCY-DRESS BALL
CLAIMED HIS PRIZE... TWO TONS OF
UNCUT BEEF JERKY.

CLAIMED HIS PRIZE... TWO TONS OF
UNCUT BEEF JERKY.
LAST WEEK, ERIC SEVAREID, WHO

UNCUT BEEF JERKY.
LAST WEEK, ERIC SEVAREID, WHO
GAVE NIGHTLY EDITORIALS ON THE

LAST WEEK, ERIC SEVAREID, WHO
GAVE NIGHTLY EDITORIALS ON THE
CBS EVENING NEWS FOR 14 YEARS,

GAVE NIGHTLY EDITORIALS ON THE
CBS EVENING NEWS FOR 14 YEARS,
RETIRED FROM THAT PROGRAM

CBS EVENING NEWS FOR 14 YEARS,
RETIRED FROM THAT PROGRAM
BECAUSE HE REACHED CBS'S

RETIRED FROM THAT PROGRAM
BECAUSE HE REACHED CBS'S
MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE OF 65.

BECAUSE HE REACHED CBS'S
MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE OF 65.
TONIGHT, MR. SEVAREID ASKED IF

MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE OF 65.
TONIGHT, MR. SEVAREID ASKED IF
HE COULD BE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TONIGHT, MR. SEVAREID ASKED IF
HE COULD BE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE"
TO GIVE ONE LAST EDITORIAL ON

HE COULD BE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE"
TO GIVE ONE LAST EDITORIAL ON
THE QUESTION OF

TO GIVE ONE LAST EDITORIAL ON
THE QUESTION OF
MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE.

THE QUESTION OF
MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE.
WHILE IT MAY NOT BE TRUE THAT

MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE.
WHILE IT MAY NOT BE TRUE THAT
JUST AS YOU CANNOT TEACH OLD

WHILE IT MAY NOT BE TRUE THAT
JUST AS YOU CANNOT TEACH OLD
DOGS NEW TRICKS, SO YOU CANNOT

JUST AS YOU CANNOT TEACH OLD
DOGS NEW TRICKS, SO YOU CANNOT
TEACH A GENERATION OF YOUNG

DOGS NEW TRICKS, SO YOU CANNOT
TEACH A GENERATION OF YOUNG
VIDEO ADDICTS TO READ.

TEACH A GENERATION OF YOUNG
VIDEO ADDICTS TO READ.
THERE IS NO SMALL AGREEMENT

VIDEO ADDICTS TO READ.
THERE IS NO SMALL AGREEMENT
AMONG EDUCATORS THAT TELEVISION

THERE IS NO SMALL AGREEMENT
AMONG EDUCATORS THAT TELEVISION
HAS REPLACED THE PRINTED WORD

AMONG EDUCATORS THAT TELEVISION
HAS REPLACED THE PRINTED WORD
AND THAT McLUHAN'S GLOBAL

HAS REPLACED THE PRINTED WORD
AND THAT McLUHAN'S GLOBAL
VILLAGE IS, IF NOT TOTALLY

AND THAT McLUHAN'S GLOBAL
VILLAGE IS, IF NOT TOTALLY
ILLITERATE, THEN CERTAINLY LESS

VILLAGE IS, IF NOT TOTALLY
ILLITERATE, THEN CERTAINLY LESS
LITERATE THAN THE WORLD THAT

ILLITERATE, THEN CERTAINLY LESS
LITERATE THAN THE WORLD THAT
EXISTED BEFORE TELEVISION.

LITERATE THAN THE WORLD THAT
EXISTED BEFORE TELEVISION.
WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

EXISTED BEFORE TELEVISION.
WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT A MAJORITY OF

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT A MAJORITY OF
AMERICANS BORN AFTER A WAR

IT MEANS THAT A MAJORITY OF
AMERICANS BORN AFTER A WAR
FOUGHT TO PRESERVE FREEDOM OF

AMERICANS BORN AFTER A WAR
FOUGHT TO PRESERVE FREEDOM OF
THE PRESS CANNOT FOLLOW THE

FOUGHT TO PRESERVE FREEDOM OF
THE PRESS CANNOT FOLLOW THE
WORDS, PHRASES, SENTENCES,

THE PRESS CANNOT FOLLOW THE
WORDS, PHRASES, SENTENCES,
CLAUSES, AND AWKWARD SPEECH

WORDS, PHRASES, SENTENCES,
CLAUSES, AND AWKWARD SPEECH
PATTERNS OF A 65-YEAR-OLD

CLAUSES, AND AWKWARD SPEECH
PATTERNS OF A 65-YEAR-OLD
BROADCAST JOURNALIST GEARED TO

PATTERNS OF A 65-YEAR-OLD
BROADCAST JOURNALIST GEARED TO
LITERARY CONSTRUCTIONS OF AN ERA

BROADCAST JOURNALIST GEARED TO
LITERARY CONSTRUCTIONS OF AN ERA
GONE BY.

LITERARY CONSTRUCTIONS OF AN ERA
GONE BY.
MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE IS NOT

GONE BY.
MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE IS NOT
REALLY A QUESTION HERE.

MANDATORY-RETIREMENT AGE IS NOT
REALLY A QUESTION HERE.
WILLIAM PALEY, THE MAN WHO

REALLY A QUESTION HERE.
WILLIAM PALEY, THE MAN WHO
ULTIMATELY MADE THE DECISION TO

WILLIAM PALEY, THE MAN WHO
ULTIMATELY MADE THE DECISION TO
RETIRE ME, IS MY ELDER, AND YET

ULTIMATELY MADE THE DECISION TO
RETIRE ME, IS MY ELDER, AND YET
CONTINUES TO CHAIR ON THE CBS

RETIRE ME, IS MY ELDER, AND YET
CONTINUES TO CHAIR ON THE CBS
BOARD, PERHAPS THE VERY REASON

CONTINUES TO CHAIR ON THE CBS
BOARD, PERHAPS THE VERY REASON
THE NETWORK FINDS ITSELF IN THE

BOARD, PERHAPS THE VERY REASON
THE NETWORK FINDS ITSELF IN THE
EMBARRASSING POSITION OF THIRD

THE NETWORK FINDS ITSELF IN THE
EMBARRASSING POSITION OF THIRD
AMONG THREE.

EMBARRASSING POSITION OF THIRD
AMONG THREE.
WHAT IS A QUESTION IS MY

AMONG THREE.
WHAT IS A QUESTION IS MY
RELATIVE VIABILITY AS A

WHAT IS A QUESTION IS MY
RELATIVE VIABILITY AS A
TELEVISION JOURNALIST.

RELATIVE VIABILITY AS A
TELEVISION JOURNALIST.
SOME ARGUE THAT I OFTEN MAKE

TELEVISION JOURNALIST.
SOME ARGUE THAT I OFTEN MAKE
PERFECT SENSE, ILLUMINATING

SOME ARGUE THAT I OFTEN MAKE
PERFECT SENSE, ILLUMINATING
SUBTLE NUANCES OF CONJECTURE

PERFECT SENSE, ILLUMINATING
SUBTLE NUANCES OF CONJECTURE
UPON THE GREAT PROBLEMS OF THE

SUBTLE NUANCES OF CONJECTURE
UPON THE GREAT PROBLEMS OF THE
DAY.

UPON THE GREAT PROBLEMS OF THE
DAY.
OTHERS WOULD ARGUE THE OPPOSITE,

DAY.
OTHERS WOULD ARGUE THE OPPOSITE,
THAT MY USE OF TIRED SYNTAX AND

OTHERS WOULD ARGUE THE OPPOSITE,
THAT MY USE OF TIRED SYNTAX AND
SENTENCE STRUCTURE COUPLED WITH

THAT MY USE OF TIRED SYNTAX AND
SENTENCE STRUCTURE COUPLED WITH
A STACCATO AND OFTEN SINGSONG

SENTENCE STRUCTURE COUPLED WITH
A STACCATO AND OFTEN SINGSONG
DELIVERY MAKE THESE EDITORIALS

A STACCATO AND OFTEN SINGSONG
DELIVERY MAKE THESE EDITORIALS
INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND AN EXERCISE

DELIVERY MAKE THESE EDITORIALS
INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND AN EXERCISE
IN FUTILITY, LIKE SO MANY GRAINS

INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND AN EXERCISE
IN FUTILITY, LIKE SO MANY GRAINS
OF SAND AGAINST THE TIDES OF THE

IN FUTILITY, LIKE SO MANY GRAINS
OF SAND AGAINST THE TIDES OF THE
OCEANS.

OF SAND AGAINST THE TIDES OF THE
OCEANS.
I HAVE NO STRONG ARGUMENT WITH

OCEANS.
I HAVE NO STRONG ARGUMENT WITH
EITHER PROPOSITION.

I HAVE NO STRONG ARGUMENT WITH
EITHER PROPOSITION.
I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN MY PRIMARY

EITHER PROPOSITION.
I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN MY PRIMARY
DUTY AS ONE OF ELUCIDATION AND

I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN MY PRIMARY
DUTY AS ONE OF ELUCIDATION AND
NOT ADVOCATION, AND SO I ACCEPT

DUTY AS ONE OF ELUCIDATION AND
NOT ADVOCATION, AND SO I ACCEPT
THE DECISION OF CBS WITH THE

NOT ADVOCATION, AND SO I ACCEPT
THE DECISION OF CBS WITH THE
FEELING THAT ADLAI STEVENSON MAY

THE DECISION OF CBS WITH THE
FEELING THAT ADLAI STEVENSON MAY
HAVE PUT BEST WHEN, AFTER HIS

FEELING THAT ADLAI STEVENSON MAY
HAVE PUT BEST WHEN, AFTER HIS
DISASTROUS SECOND DEFEAT AT THE

HAVE PUT BEST WHEN, AFTER HIS
DISASTROUS SECOND DEFEAT AT THE
HANDS OF

DISASTROUS SECOND DEFEAT AT THE
HANDS OF
DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, SAID,

HANDS OF
DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, SAID,
"IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LAUGH, AND

DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, SAID,
"IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LAUGH, AND
I'M TOO OLD TO CRY."

"IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LAUGH, AND
I'M TOO OLD TO CRY."
FROM NEW YORK, THIS WAS

I'M TOO OLD TO CRY."
FROM NEW YORK, THIS WAS
ERIC SEVAREID.

FROM NEW YORK, THIS WAS
ERIC SEVAREID.
THANK YOU AND GOODBYE.

ERIC SEVAREID.
THANK YOU AND GOODBYE.
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND TO OUR AILING

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND TO OUR AILING
CUE-CARD MAN AL SIEGEL, GET

GOOD NIGHT, AND TO OUR AILING
CUE-CARD MAN AL SIEGEL, GET
WELL.

CUE-CARD MAN AL SIEGEL, GET
WELL.
GET WELL SOON.

Announcer: NEW YORK CITY,
1961.
SOARING UNEMPLOYMENT, PLUNGING

1961.
SOARING UNEMPLOYMENT, PLUNGING
INCOMES, INADEQUATE HOUSING.

SOARING UNEMPLOYMENT, PLUNGING
INCOMES, INADEQUATE HOUSING.
NEW YORK, WHERE THE RATIO OF

INCOMES, INADEQUATE HOUSING.
NEW YORK, WHERE THE RATIO OF
AVAILABLE BACHELORS TO

NEW YORK, WHERE THE RATIO OF
AVAILABLE BACHELORS TO
BACHELORETTES IS 35 TO 2, AND

AVAILABLE BACHELORS TO
BACHELORETTES IS 35 TO 2, AND
THE ODDS OF RUNNING INTO SOMEONE

BACHELORETTES IS 35 TO 2, AND
THE ODDS OF RUNNING INTO SOMEONE
YOU CAN STAND A MILLION TO ONE.

THE ODDS OF RUNNING INTO SOMEONE
YOU CAN STAND A MILLION TO ONE.
BUT DESPITE THIS NEW YORK, IN

YOU CAN STAND A MILLION TO ONE.
BUT DESPITE THIS NEW YORK, IN
MOVIES LIKE THESE, WHEN POOR

BUT DESPITE THIS NEW YORK, IN
MOVIES LIKE THESE, WHEN POOR
YOUNG GALS ARRIVE HERE WITH NO

MOVIES LIKE THESE, WHEN POOR
YOUNG GALS ARRIVE HERE WITH NO
MONEY, NO FRIENDS, AND NO PLACE

YOUNG GALS ARRIVE HERE WITH NO
MONEY, NO FRIENDS, AND NO PLACE
TO GO, THEY ALWAYS GETTING RICH,

MONEY, NO FRIENDS, AND NO PLACE
TO GO, THEY ALWAYS GETTING RICH,
FAMOUS, AND MARRIED IN A MINUTE!

TO GO, THEY ALWAYS GETTING RICH,
FAMOUS, AND MARRIED IN A MINUTE!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

FAMOUS, AND MARRIED IN A MINUTE!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THE IMPERIAL ROYAL PRESIDENTIAL

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THE IMPERIAL ROYAL PRESIDENTIAL
SUITE AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA

THE IMPERIAL ROYAL PRESIDENTIAL
SUITE AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA
HOTEL!

SUITE AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA
HOTEL!
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOANED A

HOTEL!
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOANED A
KLEENEX TO THAT ECCENTRIC

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOANED A
KLEENEX TO THAT ECCENTRIC
MILLIONAIRE AT THE BUS STATION

KLEENEX TO THAT ECCENTRIC
MILLIONAIRE AT THE BUS STATION
WHO WAS SO GRATEFUL TO US THAT

MILLIONAIRE AT THE BUS STATION
WHO WAS SO GRATEFUL TO US THAT
HE TOLD US WE COULD HAVE THIS

WHO WAS SO GRATEFUL TO US THAT
HE TOLD US WE COULD HAVE THIS
SUITE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!

HE TOLD US WE COULD HAVE THIS
SUITE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!
WASN'T THAT NICE?

SUITE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!
WASN'T THAT NICE?
OH, HERE'S A PENNY.

WASN'T THAT NICE?
OH, HERE'S A PENNY.
I'M SORRY IT COULDN'T BE MORE.

OH, HERE'S A PENNY.
I'M SORRY IT COULDN'T BE MORE.
BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT NEW YORK

I'M SORRY IT COULDN'T BE MORE.
BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT NEW YORK
WAS GONNA BE SO EXPENSIVE, AND

BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT NEW YORK
WAS GONNA BE SO EXPENSIVE, AND
THE CAB RIDE FROM THE BUS

WAS GONNA BE SO EXPENSIVE, AND
THE CAB RIDE FROM THE BUS
STATION WAS GONNA COST $843.

THE CAB RIDE FROM THE BUS
STATION WAS GONNA COST $843.
A PENNY. THAT'S OKAY.

STATION WAS GONNA COST $843.
A PENNY. THAT'S OKAY.
YOUR NICENESS MAKES UP FOR IT.

A PENNY. THAT'S OKAY.
YOUR NICENESS MAKES UP FOR IT.
OH, HERE WE ARE IN

YOUR NICENESS MAKES UP FOR IT.
OH, HERE WE ARE IN
NEW YORK CITY WITH NO MONEY

OH, HERE WE ARE IN
NEW YORK CITY WITH NO MONEY
LEFT... OH, NO!

NEW YORK CITY WITH NO MONEY
LEFT... OH, NO!
BEHIND THE FLOWERS! LOOK!

LEFT... OH, NO!
BEHIND THE FLOWERS! LOOK!
HERE'S $1 MILLION!

BEHIND THE FLOWERS! LOOK!
HERE'S $1 MILLION!
WELL, I GUESS OUR MONEY

HERE'S $1 MILLION!
WELL, I GUESS OUR MONEY
PROBLEMS ARE OVER!

WELL, I GUESS OUR MONEY
PROBLEMS ARE OVER!
FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ANYWAY.

PROBLEMS ARE OVER!
FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ANYWAY.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ANYWAY.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT!
HELLO?

I'LL GET IT!
HELLO?
NO, I'M SORRY, THIS ISN'T FAMOUS

HELLO?
NO, I'M SORRY, THIS ISN'T FAMOUS
ACTRESSES, INCORPORATED.

NO, I'M SORRY, THIS ISN'T FAMOUS
ACTRESSES, INCORPORATED.
YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG N...

ACTRESSES, INCORPORATED.
YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG N...
OH, YES, THERE IS AN ACTRESS

YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG N...
OH, YES, THERE IS AN ACTRESS
HERE.

OH, YES, THERE IS AN ACTRESS
HERE.
WELL, OF COURSE I COULD!

HERE.
WELL, OF COURSE I COULD!
YOU'RE KIDDING! THE PLAY?

WELL, OF COURSE I COULD!
YOU'RE KIDDING! THE PLAY?
THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW IN

YOU'RE KIDDING! THE PLAY?
THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW IN
CASE THE STAR GETS SICK?

THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY SHOW IN
CASE THE STAR GETS SICK?
WELL, OF COURSE... THE STAR'S

CASE THE STAR GETS SICK?
WELL, OF COURSE... THE STAR'S
SICK NOW?

WELL, OF COURSE... THE STAR'S
SICK NOW?
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

SICK NOW?
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
OH, SURE, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN IN

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
OH, SURE, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN IN
JUST A JIFF.

OH, SURE, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN IN
JUST A JIFF.
OH, HEY, THANKS!

JUST A JIFF.
OH, HEY, THANKS!
I GOT THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY

OH, HEY, THANKS!
I GOT THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY
SHOW!

I GOT THE LEAD IN A BROADWAY
SHOW!
OH, LOOK, HERE'S THIS CARD,

SHOW!
OH, LOOK, HERE'S THIS CARD,
AND IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME!

OH, LOOK, HERE'S THIS CARD,
AND IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME!
"SAW YOU IN THE LOBBY, WON'T YOU

AND IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME!
"SAW YOU IN THE LOBBY, WON'T YOU
BE MY DATE AT THE CORONATION

"SAW YOU IN THE LOBBY, WON'T YOU
BE MY DATE AT THE CORONATION
BALL?"

BE MY DATE AT THE CORONATION
BALL?"
SIGNED, THE PRINCE OF FRANCE!

BALL?"
SIGNED, THE PRINCE OF FRANCE!
I CAN'T!

SIGNED, THE PRINCE OF FRANCE!
I CAN'T!
ALL I HAVE TO WEAR IS THIS OLD

I CAN'T!
ALL I HAVE TO WEAR IS THIS OLD
THING.

ALL I HAVE TO WEAR IS THIS OLD
THING.
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE JUST

THING.
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE JUST
ABOUT MY SIZE.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE JUST
ABOUT MY SIZE.
I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING THAT

ABOUT MY SIZE.
I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING THAT
YOU CAN WEAR IF I CAN JUST FIND

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING THAT
YOU CAN WEAR IF I CAN JUST FIND
IT.

YOU CAN WEAR IF I CAN JUST FIND
IT.
HERE IT IS!

IT.
HERE IT IS!
IT'S JUST AN OLD THING, BUT IT

HERE IT IS!
IT'S JUST AN OLD THING, BUT IT
MIGHT WORK!

IT'S JUST AN OLD THING, BUT IT
MIGHT WORK!
HEY, LOOK.

MIGHT WORK!
HEY, LOOK.
I'VE GOT SOME SHOES.

HEY, LOOK.
I'VE GOT SOME SHOES.
OH, THANKS.

I'VE GOT SOME SHOES.
OH, THANKS.
PURSE AND ACCESSORIES RIGHT

OH, THANKS.
PURSE AND ACCESSORIES RIGHT
HERE!

PURSE AND ACCESSORIES RIGHT
HERE!
OH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST THE

HERE!
OH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST THE
BEST FRIENDS A GAL EVER HAD!

OH, YOU GUYS ARE JUST THE
BEST FRIENDS A GAL EVER HAD!
HOW WILL I GET MY MODELING

BEST FRIENDS A GAL EVER HAD!
HOW WILL I GET MY MODELING
CAREER OFF THE GROUND AND MEET

HOW WILL I GET MY MODELING
CAREER OFF THE GROUND AND MEET
THE MAN OF MY DREAMS?

CAREER OFF THE GROUND AND MEET
THE MAN OF MY DREAMS?
I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TRYING

THE MAN OF MY DREAMS?
I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TRYING
ANYMORE.

I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TRYING
ANYMORE.
PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS... WE

ANYMORE.
PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS... WE
CAN'T EVEN FIND THE CORRECT

PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS... WE
CAN'T EVEN FIND THE CORRECT
ROOM!

CAN'T EVEN FIND THE CORRECT
ROOM!
THIS IS NOT MY ROOM!

ROOM!
THIS IS NOT MY ROOM!
WAIT... THERE SHE IS!

THIS IS NOT MY ROOM!
WAIT... THERE SHE IS!
THE WOMAN I HAVE WAITED FOR TO

WAIT... THERE SHE IS!
THE WOMAN I HAVE WAITED FOR TO
BE IN MY ADS FOR MY HUNGARIAN

THE WOMAN I HAVE WAITED FOR TO
BE IN MY ADS FOR MY HUNGARIAN
PERFUME... A FASHION MODEL!

BE IN MY ADS FOR MY HUNGARIAN
PERFUME... A FASHION MODEL!
I WAS LOOKING FOR HER!

PERFUME... A FASHION MODEL!
I WAS LOOKING FOR HER!
OF 500,000 WOMEN, I'M LOOKING

I WAS LOOKING FOR HER!
OF 500,000 WOMEN, I'M LOOKING
FOR, BUT THIS ONE HERE IS THE

OF 500,000 WOMEN, I'M LOOKING
FOR, BUT THIS ONE HERE IS THE
ONE I FOUND, THE ONLY ONE I

FOR, BUT THIS ONE HERE IS THE
ONE I FOUND, THE ONLY ONE I
WOULD WANT TO MARRY, BECAUSE I

ONE I FOUND, THE ONLY ONE I
WOULD WANT TO MARRY, BECAUSE I
WAS GOING TO GIVE UP LOOKING

WOULD WANT TO MARRY, BECAUSE I
WAS GOING TO GIVE UP LOOKING
JUST A SECOND AGO, BUT HERE SHE

WAS GOING TO GIVE UP LOOKING
JUST A SECOND AGO, BUT HERE SHE
IS!

JUST A SECOND AGO, BUT HERE SHE
IS!
HERE, A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT.

IS!
HERE, A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT.
AND A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!

HERE, A MILLION-DOLLAR CONTRACT.
AND A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!
WELL, I'LL NEED A LITTLE TIME

AND A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!
WELL, I'LL NEED A LITTLE TIME
TO THINK IT OVER!

WELL, I'LL NEED A LITTLE TIME
TO THINK IT OVER!
TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU WANT.

TO THINK IT OVER!
TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU WANT.
I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE SMALL SECOND

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU WANT.
I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE SMALL SECOND
HAND GETS TO THE 3.

I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE SMALL SECOND
HAND GETS TO THE 3.
OKAY, I'LL DO IT, OKAY!

HAND GETS TO THE 3.
OKAY, I'LL DO IT, OKAY!
OKAY, GREAT!

OKAY, I'LL DO IT, OKAY!
OKAY, GREAT!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OKAY, GREAT!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER.
OH, EXCUSE ME.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
OH, A NOTE.

OH, EXCUSE ME.
OH, A NOTE.
HERE.

OH, A NOTE.
HERE.
"PLEASE ACCEPT THIS BIG PILE OF

HERE.
"PLEASE ACCEPT THIS BIG PILE OF
DIRT.

"PLEASE ACCEPT THIS BIG PILE OF
DIRT.
LOVE, A SECRET ADMIRER."

DIRT.
LOVE, A SECRET ADMIRER."
OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ACCEPT

LOVE, A SECRET ADMIRER."
OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ACCEPT
SUCH A NICE THING.

OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ACCEPT
SUCH A NICE THING.
OH, WELL, I TRIED.

SUCH A NICE THING.
OH, WELL, I TRIED.
YOU MEAN IT WAS FROM YOU?

OH, WELL, I TRIED.
YOU MEAN IT WAS FROM YOU?
WELL, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU

YOU MEAN IT WAS FROM YOU?
WELL, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING TO EXPRESS HOW I FELT,

WELL, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING TO EXPRESS HOW I FELT,
AND I CAN'T OFFER YOU VERY MUCH,

SOMETHING TO EXPRESS HOW I FELT,
AND I CAN'T OFFER YOU VERY MUCH,
SO...

AND I CAN'T OFFER YOU VERY MUCH,
SO...
OH!

SO...
OH!
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?

OH!
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
OH, BUT, FATHER, I LOVE HER,

DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
OH, BUT, FATHER, I LOVE HER,
EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MARRY HER

OH, BUT, FATHER, I LOVE HER,
EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MARRY HER
BECAUSE SHE IS A COMMONER!

EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MARRY HER
BECAUSE SHE IS A COMMONER!
OH, PLEASE, FATHER... CAN'T I

BECAUSE SHE IS A COMMONER!
OH, PLEASE, FATHER... CAN'T I
GIVE UP THE THRONE, PLEASE, EVEN

OH, PLEASE, FATHER... CAN'T I
GIVE UP THE THRONE, PLEASE, EVEN
THOUGH IT WOULD MEAN THE

GIVE UP THE THRONE, PLEASE, EVEN
THOUGH IT WOULD MEAN THE
OVERTHROW OF OUR GOVERNMENT, THE

THOUGH IT WOULD MEAN THE
OVERTHROW OF OUR GOVERNMENT, THE
END OF OUR COUNTRY, THE FREE

OVERTHROW OF OUR GOVERNMENT, THE
END OF OUR COUNTRY, THE FREE
WORLD, DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT,

END OF OUR COUNTRY, THE FREE
WORLD, DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT,
AND KILL YOU FROM GRIEF?

WORLD, DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT,
AND KILL YOU FROM GRIEF?
WELL, ALL RIGHT.

AND KILL YOU FROM GRIEF?
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
OH, WAIT!

WELL, ALL RIGHT.
OH, WAIT!
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PLANNED CAREER

OH, WAIT!
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PLANNED CAREER
OF A PERSON WHO COMES TO YOUR

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PLANNED CAREER
OF A PERSON WHO COMES TO YOUR
HOUSE AND REARRANGES MOSTLY

OF A PERSON WHO COMES TO YOUR
HOUSE AND REARRANGES MOSTLY
YELLOW FLOWERS?

HOUSE AND REARRANGES MOSTLY
YELLOW FLOWERS?
YOU CAN BE THAT AND A QUEEN!

YELLOW FLOWERS?
YOU CAN BE THAT AND A QUEEN!
OH, PAPA.

YOU CAN BE THAT AND A QUEEN!
OH, PAPA.
GEE, THINGS DON'T SEEM TO BE

OH, PAPA.
GEE, THINGS DON'T SEEM TO BE
WORKING OUT FOR ME.

GEE, THINGS DON'T SEEM TO BE
WORKING OUT FOR ME.
MAYBE NEW YORK'S NOT MY KIND OF

WORKING OUT FOR ME.
MAYBE NEW YORK'S NOT MY KIND OF
TOWN.

MAYBE NEW YORK'S NOT MY KIND OF
TOWN.
I THINK I'LL GIVE UP AND GO

TOWN.
I THINK I'LL GIVE UP AND GO
HOME.

I THINK I'LL GIVE UP AND GO
HOME.
LOOK, ON THAT LEDGE!

HOME.
LOOK, ON THAT LEDGE!
IT'S A TEXAS OIL MAN, AND HE'S

LOOK, ON THAT LEDGE!
IT'S A TEXAS OIL MAN, AND HE'S
ABOUT TO JUMP AND HE WON'T

IT'S A TEXAS OIL MAN, AND HE'S
ABOUT TO JUMP AND HE WON'T
LISTEN TO ANYBODY!

ABOUT TO JUMP AND HE WON'T
LISTEN TO ANYBODY!
YOU GET IN HERE!

LISTEN TO ANYBODY!
YOU GET IN HERE!
IT WORKED!

YOU GET IN HERE!
IT WORKED!
[ALL CHEERING]

IT WORKED!
[ALL CHEERING]
YOU GET THE $10 BILLION!

[ALL CHEERING]
YOU GET THE $10 BILLION!
A REWARD!

YOU GET THE $10 BILLION!
A REWARD!
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT A

A REWARD!
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT A
HUSBAND AND A CAREER?

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT A
HUSBAND AND A CAREER?
WAIT.

HUSBAND AND A CAREER?
WAIT.
WHAT'S THIS?

WAIT.
WHAT'S THIS?
"WHOEVER FINDS THIS NOTE GETS A

WHAT'S THIS?
"WHOEVER FINDS THIS NOTE GETS A
CAREER AND IS PERFECT IN IT FOR

"WHOEVER FINDS THIS NOTE GETS A
CAREER AND IS PERFECT IN IT FOR
THE REST OF HER LIFE, SIGNED

CAREER AND IS PERFECT IN IT FOR
THE REST OF HER LIFE, SIGNED
GOD"!

THE REST OF HER LIFE, SIGNED
GOD"!
OH, WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF

GOD"!
OH, WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF
THE CAREER!

OH, WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF
THE CAREER!
I LOVE YOU, HONEY.

THE CAREER!
I LOVE YOU, HONEY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME TIE THE

I LOVE YOU, HONEY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME TIE THE
KNOT?

WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME TIE THE
KNOT?
WELL, WHAT THE HEY?

KNOT?
WELL, WHAT THE HEY?
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

WELL, WHAT THE HEY?
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I'M NOT REALLY A BLACK BELLHOP.

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I'M NOT REALLY A BLACK BELLHOP.
I'M A WHITE MILLIONAIRE POSING

I'M NOT REALLY A BLACK BELLHOP.
I'M A WHITE MILLIONAIRE POSING
AS A BLACK BELLHOP.

I'M A WHITE MILLIONAIRE POSING
AS A BLACK BELLHOP.
I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO

AS A BLACK BELLHOP.
I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO
WILL LOVE ME FOR ME.

I'M TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO
WILL LOVE ME FOR ME.
AWW!

WILL LOVE ME FOR ME.
AWW!
LET'S ALL GET MARRIED RIGHT

AWW!
LET'S ALL GET MARRIED RIGHT
NOW!

LET'S ALL GET MARRIED RIGHT
NOW!
YEAH!

NOW!
YEAH!
THERE'S A PRIEST!

YEAH!
THERE'S A PRIEST!
YEAH, AND HERE ARE FOUR

THERE'S A PRIEST!
YEAH, AND HERE ARE FOUR
DIAMOND RINGS I ALWAYS CARRY

YEAH, AND HERE ARE FOUR
DIAMOND RINGS I ALWAYS CARRY
WITH ME IN CASE I MEET FOUR

DIAMOND RINGS I ALWAYS CARRY
WITH ME IN CASE I MEET FOUR
GIRLS WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED

WITH ME IN CASE I MEET FOUR
GIRLS WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED
RIGHT AWAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

GIRLS WHO WANT TO GET MARRIED
RIGHT AWAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND

RIGHT AWAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND
WIFE.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND
WIFE.
HEY, COME ON, LET'S GO SEE

WIFE.
HEY, COME ON, LET'S GO SEE
SUSIE IN HER OPENING NIGHT!

HEY, COME ON, LET'S GO SEE
SUSIE IN HER OPENING NIGHT!
YEAH, AND DINNER HERE AT THE

SUSIE IN HER OPENING NIGHT!
YEAH, AND DINNER HERE AT THE
HOTEL IS ON ME!

YEAH, AND DINNER HERE AT THE
HOTEL IS ON ME!
I OWN THE PLACE!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY KAUFMAN.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
YEAH.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
YEAH.
YEAH?

YEAH.
YEAH?
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

YEAH.
YEAH?
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[APPLAUSE]

♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪
♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪
♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪

♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪
♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪
♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪

♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪
♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪
♪ A BO DAY ♪

♪ ABI DABI DA BU WAY ♪
♪ A BO DAY ♪
♪ A BO DAY ♪

♪ A BO DAY ♪
♪ A BO DAY ♪
♪ KI CHAY WA ♪

♪ A BO DAY ♪
♪ KI CHAY WA ♪
♪ KI CHAY WA ♪

♪ KI CHAY WA ♪
♪ KI CHAY WA ♪
♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪

♪ KI CHAY WA ♪
♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪
♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪

♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪
♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪
♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪

♪ YOCHEN BO DAY ♪
♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪
♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪

♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪
♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪
♪ YACHADISHIBIKODISHAVILLAKA

♪ ICHEN DA BICH ♪
♪ YACHADISHIBIKODISHAVILLAKA
SEKALAMINAKILOHH ♪

♪ YACHADISHIBIKODISHAVILLAKA
SEKALAMINAKILOHH ♪
♪ OHH ♪

SEKALAMINAKILOHH ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ OHH ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ OHH ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪
♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪

♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪
♪ ABBA DABI, ABI DA BU VA ♪
[CROWD CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY]

[PLAYS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "BAD MUSICAL," WITH YOUR
HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

FOR "BAD MUSICAL," WITH YOUR
HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING.

HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND

GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD

I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD
MUSICAL."

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD
MUSICAL."
TONIGHT'S BAD MUSICAL IS

MUSICAL."
TONIGHT'S BAD MUSICAL IS
ENTITLED "LEEUWENHOEK," AND IS

TONIGHT'S BAD MUSICAL IS
ENTITLED "LEEUWENHOEK," AND IS
IN FACT THE STORY OF

ENTITLED "LEEUWENHOEK," AND IS
IN FACT THE STORY OF
FREDERICK LEEUWENHOEK, THE DUTCH

IN FACT THE STORY OF
FREDERICK LEEUWENHOEK, THE DUTCH
EYEGLASS MAKER WHO PERFECTED THE

FREDERICK LEEUWENHOEK, THE DUTCH
EYEGLASS MAKER WHO PERFECTED THE
FIRST WORKING COMPOUND

EYEGLASS MAKER WHO PERFECTED THE
FIRST WORKING COMPOUND
MICROSCOPE.

FIRST WORKING COMPOUND
MICROSCOPE.
IT IS EXQUISITELY BAD.

MICROSCOPE.
IT IS EXQUISITELY BAD.
WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT A MUSICAL

IT IS EXQUISITELY BAD.
WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT A MUSICAL
WHICH CONCERNS ITSELF WITH THE

WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT A MUSICAL
WHICH CONCERNS ITSELF WITH THE
DEVELOPMENT OF THE MICROSCOPE?

WHICH CONCERNS ITSELF WITH THE
DEVELOPMENT OF THE MICROSCOPE?
WELL, HANS VAN DER SCHEENEN MUST

DEVELOPMENT OF THE MICROSCOPE?
WELL, HANS VAN DER SCHEENEN MUST
HAVE, OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE

WELL, HANS VAN DER SCHEENEN MUST
HAVE, OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE
WRITTEN IT.

HAVE, OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE
WRITTEN IT.
IT OPENED ON VERY-OFF-BROADWAY

WRITTEN IT.
IT OPENED ON VERY-OFF-BROADWAY
IN 1953 AND CLOSED IN 2 1/2

IT OPENED ON VERY-OFF-BROADWAY
IN 1953 AND CLOSED IN 2 1/2
MINUTES.

IN 1953 AND CLOSED IN 2 1/2
MINUTES.
IT CONCERNS LEEUWENHOEK'S SEARCH

MINUTES.
IT CONCERNS LEEUWENHOEK'S SEARCH
FOR THE MINUTAE OF EVERYDAY

IT CONCERNS LEEUWENHOEK'S SEARCH
FOR THE MINUTAE OF EVERYDAY
EXTERNAL PHENOMENA VERSUS THE

FOR THE MINUTAE OF EVERYDAY
EXTERNAL PHENOMENA VERSUS THE
ANTAGONISM FROM HIS CHIDING

EXTERNAL PHENOMENA VERSUS THE
ANTAGONISM FROM HIS CHIDING
DUTCH HOUSEWIFE, WHO ONLY WANTS

ANTAGONISM FROM HIS CHIDING
DUTCH HOUSEWIFE, WHO ONLY WANTS
HIS ATTENTION.

DUTCH HOUSEWIFE, WHO ONLY WANTS
HIS ATTENTION.
IT'S BASICALLY A TRIANGLE

HIS ATTENTION.
IT'S BASICALLY A TRIANGLE
BETWEEN HER, LEEUWENHOEK, HIS

IT'S BASICALLY A TRIANGLE
BETWEEN HER, LEEUWENHOEK, HIS
MICROSCOPE, AND HER DELFT CHINA,

BETWEEN HER, LEEUWENHOEK, HIS
MICROSCOPE, AND HER DELFT CHINA,
WHICH IS A BAD TRIANGLE, BECAUSE

MICROSCOPE, AND HER DELFT CHINA,
WHICH IS A BAD TRIANGLE, BECAUSE
IT'S A RECTANGLE.

WHICH IS A BAD TRIANGLE, BECAUSE
IT'S A RECTANGLE.
THE MUSICAL OPENS AND CLOSES IN

IT'S A RECTANGLE.
THE MUSICAL OPENS AND CLOSES IN
LEEUWENHOEK'S COTTAGE IN THE

THE MUSICAL OPENS AND CLOSES IN
LEEUWENHOEK'S COTTAGE IN THE
DUTCH COUNTRYSIDE NEAR THE OLD

LEEUWENHOEK'S COTTAGE IN THE
DUTCH COUNTRYSIDE NEAR THE OLD
HEINEKEN BREWERY.

DUTCH COUNTRYSIDE NEAR THE OLD
HEINEKEN BREWERY.
HIS WIFE, EVA, IS POLISHING THE

HEINEKEN BREWERY.
HIS WIFE, EVA, IS POLISHING THE
DELFT CHINA.

HIS WIFE, EVA, IS POLISHING THE
DELFT CHINA.
GRETA, HIS DAUGHTER, IS SEWING,

DELFT CHINA.
GRETA, HIS DAUGHTER, IS SEWING,
AND JORG, THE DISHONEST

GRETA, HIS DAUGHTER, IS SEWING,
AND JORG, THE DISHONEST
LENS-GRINDER OF AMSTEL, IS

AND JORG, THE DISHONEST
LENS-GRINDER OF AMSTEL, IS
EAVESDROPPING AS OUR BAD MUSICAL

LENS-GRINDER OF AMSTEL, IS
EAVESDROPPING AS OUR BAD MUSICAL
BEGINS.

♪ LOOK OUT, WORLD, HERE I
COME ♪
♪ GONNA MAKE A SPLASH, HAVE SOME

COME ♪
♪ GONNA MAKE A SPLASH, HAVE SOME
FUN ♪

♪ GONNA MAKE A SPLASH, HAVE SOME
FUN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M LEEUWENHOEK ♪

FUN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT

♪ 'CAUSE I'M LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ HE'S WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ♪

LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ HE'S WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ♪
♪ HE'S NOT A SCHLOOK, HE'S

♪ HE'S WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ♪
♪ HE'S NOT A SCHLOOK, HE'S
LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ HE'S NOT A SCHLOOK, HE'S
LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT TO SAY ♪

LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
OH, I WISH YOU'D LOOK AT ME

♪ THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
OH, I WISH YOU'D LOOK AT ME
SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF ALL THAT

OH, I WISH YOU'D LOOK AT ME
SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF ALL THAT
SCHMUTZ UNDERNEATH YOUR

SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF ALL THAT
SCHMUTZ UNDERNEATH YOUR
MICROSCOPE.

SCHMUTZ UNDERNEATH YOUR
MICROSCOPE.
♪ OH, MAYBE I'M TOO BIG FOR

MICROSCOPE.
♪ OH, MAYBE I'M TOO BIG FOR
HIM ♪

♪ OH, MAYBE I'M TOO BIG FOR
HIM ♪
♪ MAYBE I'M TOO BIG ♪

HIM ♪
♪ MAYBE I'M TOO BIG ♪
♪ IF I SHRUNK MYSELF DOWN TO THE

♪ MAYBE I'M TOO BIG ♪
♪ IF I SHRUNK MYSELF DOWN TO THE
SIZE OF AN AMOEBA ♪

♪ IF I SHRUNK MYSELF DOWN TO THE
SIZE OF AN AMOEBA ♪
♪ THEN MAYBE HE WOULD TAKE A

SIZE OF AN AMOEBA ♪
♪ THEN MAYBE HE WOULD TAKE A
LOOK AT ME ♪

♪ THEN MAYBE HE WOULD TAKE A
LOOK AT ME ♪
I CAN SEE YOU JUST FINE.

LOOK AT ME ♪
I CAN SEE YOU JUST FINE.
♪ LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪

I CAN SEE YOU JUST FINE.
♪ LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪
♪ LET ALL THE REST GO TO HELL ♪

♪ LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪
♪ LET ALL THE REST GO TO HELL ♪
♪ WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN AND LATER

♪ LET ALL THE REST GO TO HELL ♪
♪ WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN AND LATER
EAT A BUN ♪

♪ WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN AND LATER
EAT A BUN ♪
♪ SO LET'S HAVE SEX, MRS. L. ♪

I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING!
I'M A MISERABLE FAILURE!
I NEED A BEER.

I'M A MISERABLE FAILURE!
I NEED A BEER.
HOW ABOUT A HEINIE, HONEY?

I NEED A BEER.
HOW ABOUT A HEINIE, HONEY?
DID YOU EVER THINK OF

HOW ABOUT A HEINIE, HONEY?
DID YOU EVER THINK OF
CLEANING THESE GLASSES?

DID YOU EVER THINK OF
CLEANING THESE GLASSES?
HERE, NOW TRY THIS.

CLEANING THESE GLASSES?
HERE, NOW TRY THIS.
[GASPS]

HERE, NOW TRY THIS.
[GASPS]
IT'S A MIRACLE!

[GASPS]
IT'S A MIRACLE!
♪ I CAN SEE PLASMA ON THE

IT'S A MIRACLE!
♪ I CAN SEE PLASMA ON THE
DELFT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE PLASMA ON THE
DELFT ♪
♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪

DELFT ♪
♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪
PLASMA ON THE DELFT?

♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪
PLASMA ON THE DELFT?
♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪

PLASMA ON THE DELFT?
♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪
♪ I'LL SEE BLOOD CLOTS AS BIG

♪ PLASMA ON THE DELFT ♪
♪ I'LL SEE BLOOD CLOTS AS BIG
AS THE SQUARE IN AMSTERDAM ♪

♪ I'LL SEE BLOOD CLOTS AS BIG
AS THE SQUARE IN AMSTERDAM ♪
♪ AMSTERDAM ♪

AS THE SQUARE IN AMSTERDAM ♪
♪ AMSTERDAM ♪
♪ HYDRA AS BIG AS THE

♪ AMSTERDAM ♪
♪ HYDRA AS BIG AS THE
WINDMILL TOWER ♪

♪ HYDRA AS BIG AS THE
WINDMILL TOWER ♪
PHLEGM AS BIG AS THE RIFTS!

WINDMILL TOWER ♪
PHLEGM AS BIG AS THE RIFTS!
♪ MICROBES AND YOUR CROBES

PHLEGM AS BIG AS THE RIFTS!
♪ MICROBES AND YOUR CROBES
AND ZYGOTES AND MY GOTES ♪

♪ MICROBES AND YOUR CROBES
AND ZYGOTES AND MY GOTES ♪
♪ VIRUSES AND RATIFIERS AND

AND ZYGOTES AND MY GOTES ♪
♪ VIRUSES AND RATIFIERS AND
RHIZOIDS AND DIATOMS AND

♪ VIRUSES AND RATIFIERS AND
RHIZOIDS AND DIATOMS AND
MICROSPORES! ♪

RHIZOIDS AND DIATOMS AND
MICROSPORES! ♪
♪ AND SPERM ♪

MICROSPORES! ♪
♪ AND SPERM ♪
♪ AND EGGS ♪

♪ AND SPERM ♪
♪ AND EGGS ♪
♪ AND TOAST ♪

♪ AND EGGS ♪
♪ AND TOAST ♪
♪ THE MOST MICRO MINIATURE

♪ AND TOAST ♪
♪ THE MOST MICRO MINIATURE
EENY-BEENY SQUEENY LITTLE TEENY

♪ THE MOST MICRO MINIATURE
EENY-BEENY SQUEENY LITTLE TEENY
TINY ITTY-BITTY TEENY-WEENY

EENY-BEENY SQUEENY LITTLE TEENY
TINY ITTY-BITTY TEENY-WEENY
ITTY-BITTY LITTLE THINGS ♪

TINY ITTY-BITTY TEENY-WEENY
ITTY-BITTY LITTLE THINGS ♪
♪ EVERY DOT, EVERY SPECK,

ITTY-BITTY LITTLE THINGS ♪
♪ EVERY DOT, EVERY SPECK,
EVERY FLECK, EVERY FLEA ♪

♪ EVERY DOT, EVERY SPECK,
EVERY FLECK, EVERY FLEA ♪
♪ IN HOLLAND ♪

EVERY FLECK, EVERY FLEA ♪
♪ IN HOLLAND ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ IN HOLLAND ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,

♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,
LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,
LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK! ♪

LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK! ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪

♪ LEEUWENHOEK! ♪
♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪
WHAT A KOOK!

♪ LEEUWENHOEK ♪
WHAT A KOOK!
LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,

WHAT A KOOK!
LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,
LEEUWENHOEK, WHAT A KOOK.

LEEUWENHOEK, LEEUWENHOEK,
LEEUWENHOEK, WHAT A KOOK.
MARVELOUSLY BAD, REALLY BITES

LEEUWENHOEK, WHAT A KOOK.
MARVELOUSLY BAD, REALLY BITES
THE BIG ONE.

MARVELOUSLY BAD, REALLY BITES
THE BIG ONE.
TONIGHT'S CAST OF "LEEUWENHOEK"

THE BIG ONE.
TONIGHT'S CAST OF "LEEUWENHOEK"
WAS ENTIRELY PLAYED BY THE

TONIGHT'S CAST OF "LEEUWENHOEK"
WAS ENTIRELY PLAYED BY THE
SERVICE STAFF OF THE GLENDALE

WAS ENTIRELY PLAYED BY THE
SERVICE STAFF OF THE GLENDALE
HOSPITAL FOR WRIST DISORDERS.

SERVICE STAFF OF THE GLENDALE
HOSPITAL FOR WRIST DISORDERS.
THANK YOU.

HOSPITAL FOR WRIST DISORDERS.
THANK YOU.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON "BAD

THANK YOU.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON "BAD
MUSICAL" WHEN WE PRESENT "SEVEN

JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON "BAD
MUSICAL" WHEN WE PRESENT "SEVEN
UPHOLSTERERS IN SEARCH OF SEVEN

MUSICAL" WHEN WE PRESENT "SEVEN
UPHOLSTERERS IN SEARCH OF SEVEN
CHAIRS."

UPHOLSTERERS IN SEARCH OF SEVEN
CHAIRS."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,

CHAIRS."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING
YOU GOOD EVENING.

HOW YOU DOING TONIGHT,
WILLIE?
I'M DOING FINE.

WILLIE?
I'M DOING FINE.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M DOING FINE.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I'M DOING FINE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I'M DOING FINE.
YOU READY TO SING OUR NEW SONG?

I'M DOING FINE.
YOU READY TO SING OUR NEW SONG?
I'M READY. LET'S DO IT.

YOU READY TO SING OUR NEW SONG?
I'M READY. LET'S DO IT.
WELL, HIT IT, BOYS.

I'M READY. LET'S DO IT.
WELL, HIT IT, BOYS.
[BAND BEGINS "SOMETHING TO

WELL, HIT IT, BOYS.
[BAND BEGINS "SOMETHING TO
BRAG ABOUT"]

[BAND BEGINS "SOMETHING TO
BRAG ABOUT"]
♪ WELL, I'VE GOT A REAL

[BRAG ABOUT"]
♪ WELL, I'VE GOT A REAL
IMPORTANT JOB ♪

♪ WELL, I'VE GOT A REAL
IMPORTANT JOB ♪
♪ IN A LARGE OFFICE BUILDING ♪

IMPORTANT JOB ♪
♪ IN A LARGE OFFICE BUILDING ♪
♪ RIDING PEOPLE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪

♪ IN A LARGE OFFICE BUILDING ♪
♪ RIDING PEOPLE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪
♪ AND I DRIVE A '57 CHEVROLET ♪

♪ RIDING PEOPLE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪
♪ AND I DRIVE A '57 CHEVROLET ♪
♪ WITH A BUSTED TAILLIGHT,

♪ AND I DRIVE A '57 CHEVROLET ♪
♪ WITH A BUSTED TAILLIGHT,
BURNED-OUT VALVES, AND A LEAKY

♪ WITH A BUSTED TAILLIGHT,
BURNED-OUT VALVES, AND A LEAKY
RADIATOR ♪

BURNED-OUT VALVES, AND A LEAKY
RADIATOR ♪
♪ AND I WEAR A $20 SUIT THAT I

RADIATOR ♪
♪ AND I WEAR A $20 SUIT THAT I
BOUGHT FROM J.C. PENNEY'S BACK

♪ AND I WEAR A $20 SUIT THAT I
BOUGHT FROM J.C. PENNEY'S BACK
IN 1962 ♪

BOUGHT FROM J.C. PENNEY'S BACK
IN 1962 ♪
♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG

IN 1962 ♪
♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG
ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG
ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN

ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN
YOU ♪

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN
YOU ♪
♪ WELL, I'M A SHORT-ORDER

YOU ♪
♪ WELL, I'M A SHORT-ORDER
COOK IN AN ALL-NIGHT CAFé ♪

♪ WELL, I'M A SHORT-ORDER
COOK IN AN ALL-NIGHT CAFé ♪
♪ DOWN ON 18th AVENUE AND 12th

COOK IN AN ALL-NIGHT CAFé ♪
♪ DOWN ON 18th AVENUE AND 12th
STREET ♪

♪ DOWN ON 18th AVENUE AND 12th
STREET ♪
♪ I WEAR A SWINGING MINI DRESS ♪

STREET ♪
♪ I WEAR A SWINGING MINI DRESS ♪
♪ THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF ♪

♪ I WEAR A SWINGING MINI DRESS ♪
♪ THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF ♪
♪ FROM MAMA'S KITCHEN CURTAINS

♪ THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF ♪
♪ FROM MAMA'S KITCHEN CURTAINS
AND OLD BED SHEETS ♪

♪ FROM MAMA'S KITCHEN CURTAINS
AND OLD BED SHEETS ♪
♪ I GOT 17 PAGES OF TOP VALUE

AND OLD BED SHEETS ♪
♪ I GOT 17 PAGES OF TOP VALUE
STAMPS ♪

♪ I GOT 17 PAGES OF TOP VALUE
STAMPS ♪
♪ ONE OLD PAIR OF SHOES ♪

STAMPS ♪
♪ ONE OLD PAIR OF SHOES ♪
♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG

♪ ONE OLD PAIR OF SHOES ♪
♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG
ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO BRAG
ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN

ABOUT, SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN
YOU ♪

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN
YOU ♪
♪ WELL, WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE

YOU ♪
♪ WELL, WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE
FELLAS, I KNOW YOU START

♪ WELL, WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE
FELLAS, I KNOW YOU START
BRAGGING 'BOUT MY HOURGLASS

FELLAS, I KNOW YOU START
BRAGGING 'BOUT MY HOURGLASS
FIGURE AND MY BIG BROWN EYES ♪

BRAGGING 'BOUT MY HOURGLASS
FIGURE AND MY BIG BROWN EYES ♪
♪ AND YOU TELL YOUR

FIGURE AND MY BIG BROWN EYES ♪
♪ AND YOU TELL YOUR
GIRLFRIENDS 'BOUT MY SWEET,

♪ AND YOU TELL YOUR
GIRLFRIENDS 'BOUT MY SWEET,
SWEET LOVING ♪

GIRLFRIENDS 'BOUT MY SWEET,
SWEET LOVING ♪
♪ AND THAT'S ONE FIGURE THAT

SWEET LOVING ♪
♪ AND THAT'S ONE FIGURE THAT
MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪

♪ AND THAT'S ONE FIGURE THAT
MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪
♪ SO LET'S GET MARRIED IN THE

MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪
♪ SO LET'S GET MARRIED IN THE
NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE ♪

♪ SO LET'S GET MARRIED IN THE
NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE ♪
♪ WE'LL RENT A LITTLE FLAT ON

NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE ♪
♪ WE'LL RENT A LITTLE FLAT ON
29th STREET ♪

♪ WE'LL RENT A LITTLE FLAT ON
29th STREET ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, WE'LL HANG OUR

29th STREET ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, WE'LL HANG OUR
WASHING FROM THE CLOTHESLINE ON

♪ YOU KNOW, WE'LL HANG OUR
WASHING FROM THE CLOTHESLINE ON
THE WINDOW ♪

WASHING FROM THE CLOTHESLINE ON
THE WINDOW ♪
♪ WE'LL FEAST ON CORNBREAD,

THE WINDOW ♪
♪ WE'LL FEAST ON CORNBREAD,
BUTTER BEANS AND LUNCH MEAT ♪

♪ WE'LL FEAST ON CORNBREAD,
BUTTER BEANS AND LUNCH MEAT ♪
♪ WE WON'T HAVE A THERMOSTAT,

BUTTER BEANS AND LUNCH MEAT ♪
♪ WE WON'T HAVE A THERMOSTAT,
A BIG, LONG CADILLAC, BUT WE'LL

♪ WE WON'T HAVE A THERMOSTAT,
A BIG, LONG CADILLAC, BUT WE'LL
HAVE A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ♪

A BIG, LONG CADILLAC, BUT WE'LL
HAVE A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE ♪

HAVE A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ♪
♪ AND I'LL HAVE ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ AND I'LL HAVE ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ YEAH, AND I'LL HAVE

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ YEAH, AND I'LL HAVE
SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪

♪ YEAH, AND I'LL HAVE
SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN

SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN
YOU ♪

♪ SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN
YOU ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT, MOM, AND ON THE FIFTH
NIGHT, LARRY GAVE ME A BEAUTIFUL
MATCHING TOP, AND THEN LAST

NIGHT, LARRY GAVE ME A BEAUTIFUL
MATCHING TOP, AND THEN LAST
NIGHT I GOT A LOVELY MATCHING

MATCHING TOP, AND THEN LAST
NIGHT I GOT A LOVELY MATCHING
PURSE, AND TOMORROW, FOR THE

NIGHT I GOT A LOVELY MATCHING
PURSE, AND TOMORROW, FOR THE
LAST NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, LARRY'S

PURSE, AND TOMORROW, FOR THE
LAST NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, LARRY'S
TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER SO I CAN

LAST NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, LARRY'S
TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER SO I CAN
WEAR THE WHOLE MATCHING OUTFIT.

TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER SO I CAN
WEAR THE WHOLE MATCHING OUTFIT.
YEAH, IT'S VERY SWEET.

WEAR THE WHOLE MATCHING OUTFIT.
YEAH, IT'S VERY SWEET.
WELL, MOM, LOOK, I'VE GOT TO

YEAH, IT'S VERY SWEET.
WELL, MOM, LOOK, I'VE GOT TO
RUN, BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING

WELL, MOM, LOOK, I'VE GOT TO
RUN, BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING
LARRY'S BOSS AND HIS WIFE OVER

RUN, BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING
LARRY'S BOSS AND HIS WIFE OVER
FOR DINNER.

LARRY'S BOSS AND HIS WIFE OVER
FOR DINNER.
YES, THEY'RE GENTILE. YEAH.

FOR DINNER.
YES, THEY'RE GENTILE. YEAH.
WELL, THEY'RE A VERY NICE

YES, THEY'RE GENTILE. YEAH.
WELL, THEY'RE A VERY NICE
COUPLE, AND I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE

WELL, THEY'RE A VERY NICE
COUPLE, AND I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
THEM OVER FOR DINNER AND LIGHT

COUPLE, AND I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
THEM OVER FOR DINNER AND LIGHT
THE CANDLES AND TELL THEM A

THEM OVER FOR DINNER AND LIGHT
THE CANDLES AND TELL THEM A
LITTLE ABOUT CHANUKAH.

THE CANDLES AND TELL THEM A
LITTLE ABOUT CHANUKAH.
WELL... OH, MOM, LARRY'S HOME.

LITTLE ABOUT CHANUKAH.
WELL... OH, MOM, LARRY'S HOME.
I GOT TO GO.

WELL... OH, MOM, LARRY'S HOME.
I GOT TO GO.
I GOT TO CHECK DINNER. OKAY.

I GOT TO GO.
I GOT TO CHECK DINNER. OKAY.
YEAH, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN,

I GOT TO CHECK DINNER. OKAY.
YEAH, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN,
RIGHT.

YEAH, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN,
RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CALL YOU SOON.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CALL YOU SOON.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL CALL YOU SOON.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, MOM. WE'LL CALL MONDAY.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, MOM. WE'LL CALL MONDAY.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, MOM. WE'LL CALL MONDAY.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
BYE, MOM. BYE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
BYE, MOM. BYE.
HI, HONEY!

BYE, MOM. BYE.
HI, HONEY!
BOY, AM I STARVED.

HI, HONEY!
BOY, AM I STARVED.
LARRY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING

BOY, AM I STARVED.
LARRY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING
YOUR FAVORITE.

LARRY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING
YOUR FAVORITE.
OH, ROAST PORK.

YOUR FAVORITE.
OH, ROAST PORK.
SORRY I'M LATE.

OH, ROAST PORK.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I STOPPED OFF THE LINCOLN DELI

SORRY I'M LATE.
I STOPPED OFF THE LINCOLN DELI
TO PICK UP THIS COFFEE RING.

I STOPPED OFF THE LINCOLN DELI
TO PICK UP THIS COFFEE RING.
BUT, LARRY, THE NELSONS ARE

TO PICK UP THIS COFFEE RING.
BUT, LARRY, THE NELSONS ARE
BRINGING DESSERT.

BUT, LARRY, THE NELSONS ARE
BRINGING DESSERT.
THIS IS JUST IN CASE I DON'T

BRINGING DESSERT.
THIS IS JUST IN CASE I DON'T
LIKE WHAT THEY BRING.

THIS IS JUST IN CASE I DON'T
LIKE WHAT THEY BRING.
WELL, LARRY, YOU PROMISE ME

LIKE WHAT THEY BRING.
WELL, LARRY, YOU PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T EAT IT TILL AFTER THEY

WELL, LARRY, YOU PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T EAT IT TILL AFTER THEY
LEAVE.

YOU WON'T EAT IT TILL AFTER THEY
LEAVE.
OKAY.

LEAVE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY.
NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY.
NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
IT'S DICK AND BEVERLY, RIGHT?

NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
IT'S DICK AND BEVERLY, RIGHT?
RIGHT.

IT'S DICK AND BEVERLY, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
NOW, WHAT'D I CALL HER LAST

RIGHT.
NOW, WHAT'D I CALL HER LAST
TIME... BEV OR BEVERLY?

NOW, WHAT'D I CALL HER LAST
TIME... BEV OR BEVERLY?
I DON'T REMEMBER.

TIME... BEV OR BEVERLY?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

I DON'T REMEMBER.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
YOU GET THE DOOR.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
YOU GET THE DOOR.
I'LL GO MAKE THE GRAVY.

YOU GET THE DOOR.
I'LL GO MAKE THE GRAVY.
OKAY.

I'LL GO MAKE THE GRAVY.
OKAY.
HI!

OKAY.
HI!
HOW ARE YOU?

HI!
HOW ARE YOU?
BOY, IT'S COLDER THAN A

HOW ARE YOU?
BOY, IT'S COLDER THAN A
WITCH'S FREEZER OUT THERE.

BOY, IT'S COLDER THAN A
WITCH'S FREEZER OUT THERE.
FRUIT FOR DESSERT.

WITCH'S FREEZER OUT THERE.
FRUIT FOR DESSERT.
WELL, THANK YOU, BEVERLY.

FRUIT FOR DESSERT.
WELL, THANK YOU, BEVERLY.
FRUIT.

WELL, THANK YOU, BEVERLY.
FRUIT.
JUST CALL ME BEV.

FRUIT.
JUST CALL ME BEV.
BEV. OKAY.

JUST CALL ME BEV.
BEV. OKAY.
DICK, GIVE ME YOUR COAT.

BEV. OKAY.
DICK, GIVE ME YOUR COAT.
OH, LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT,

DICK, GIVE ME YOUR COAT.
OH, LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT,
PLEASE.

OH, LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT,
PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.

PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LARRY, WHERE IS YOUR

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LARRY, WHERE IS YOUR
ATTRACTIVE WIFE, ANYWAY?

LARRY, WHERE IS YOUR
ATTRACTIVE WIFE, ANYWAY?
OH, HERE I AM!

ATTRACTIVE WIFE, ANYWAY?
OH, HERE I AM!
HI, DICK. HI, BEVER...

OH, HERE I AM!
HI, DICK. HI, BEVER...
BOBBI, I'LL TELL YOU, THESE

HI, DICK. HI, BEVER...
BOBBI, I'LL TELL YOU, THESE
"CHA-NOO-KUH" DECORATIONS ARE

BOBBI, I'LL TELL YOU, THESE
"CHA-NOO-KUH" DECORATIONS ARE
ADORABLE.

"CHA-NOO-KUH" DECORATIONS ARE
ADORABLE.
OH, THANK YOU.

ADORABLE.
OH, THANK YOU.
HONEY, THAT'S CHHHANUKAH.

OH, THANK YOU.
HONEY, THAT'S CHHHANUKAH.
AM I RIGHT, LARRY?

HONEY, THAT'S CHHHANUKAH.
AM I RIGHT, LARRY?
YEAH.

AM I RIGHT, LARRY?
YEAH.
CHHHANUKAH. CHHHANUKAH.

YEAH.
CHHHANUKAH. CHHHANUKAH.
OH, COME ON, EVERYBODY, BE

CHHHANUKAH. CHHHANUKAH.
OH, COME ON, EVERYBODY, BE
COMFORTABLE.

OH, COME ON, EVERYBODY, BE
COMFORTABLE.
SIT DOWN, HAVE A SEAT.

COMFORTABLE.
SIT DOWN, HAVE A SEAT.
WELL, I'M STARVED.

SIT DOWN, HAVE A SEAT.
WELL, I'M STARVED.
IS DINNER READY, HONEY?

WELL, I'M STARVED.
IS DINNER READY, HONEY?
WELL, HONEY, FIRST, I THOUGHT

IS DINNER READY, HONEY?
WELL, HONEY, FIRST, I THOUGHT
WE'D LIGHT THE CHANUKAH CANDLES.

WELL, HONEY, FIRST, I THOUGHT
WE'D LIGHT THE CHANUKAH CANDLES.
YOU SEE, BECAUSE IT'S SUNDOWN.

WE'D LIGHT THE CHANUKAH CANDLES.
YOU SEE, BECAUSE IT'S SUNDOWN.
YOU SEE, A JEWISH DAY BEGINS AT

YOU SEE, BECAUSE IT'S SUNDOWN.
YOU SEE, A JEWISH DAY BEGINS AT
SUNDOWN BECAUSE THE JEWISH

YOU SEE, A JEWISH DAY BEGINS AT
SUNDOWN BECAUSE THE JEWISH
CALENDAR DATES BACK 5,000 YEARS,

SUNDOWN BECAUSE THE JEWISH
CALENDAR DATES BACK 5,000 YEARS,
AND THE SUN WAS ALWAYS THE MOST

CALENDAR DATES BACK 5,000 YEARS,
AND THE SUN WAS ALWAYS THE MOST
RELIABLE CLOCK.

AND THE SUN WAS ALWAYS THE MOST
RELIABLE CLOCK.
YEAH.

RELIABLE CLOCK.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JUDAISM PREDATES

YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JUDAISM PREDATES
CHRISTIANITY.

YOU KNOW, JUDAISM PREDATES
CHRISTIANITY.
WELL, OF COURSE.

CHRISTIANITY.
WELL, OF COURSE.
JESUS WAS A JEW.

WELL, OF COURSE.
JESUS WAS A JEW.
AND IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR

JESUS WAS A JEW.
AND IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR
JUDAISM, THEN JESUS WOULD NEVER

AND IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR
JUDAISM, THEN JESUS WOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN BORN.

JUDAISM, THEN JESUS WOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN BORN.
THAT'S RIGHT.

HAVE BEEN BORN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS PUZZLED

THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS PUZZLED
ME WHY THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST.

THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS PUZZLED
ME WHY THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST.
UH...

ME WHY THE JEWS KILLED CHRIST.
UH...
OH, NO, THAT'S... WE DIDN'T KILL

UH...
OH, NO, THAT'S... WE DIDN'T KILL
HIM.

OH, NO, THAT'S... WE DIDN'T KILL
HIM.
THE ROMANS KILLED HIM.

HIM.
THE ROMANS KILLED HIM.
NO, I BELIEVE THE JEWS KILLED

THE ROMANS KILLED HIM.
NO, I BELIEVE THE JEWS KILLED
CHRIST.

NO, I BELIEVE THE JEWS KILLED
CHRIST.
NO, THAT'S A MYTH.

CHRIST.
NO, THAT'S A MYTH.
WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE

NO, THAT'S A MYTH.
WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CHANUKAH

WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CHANUKAH
STORY.

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CHANUKAH
STORY.
NOW, THIS CANDELABRA IS CALLED A

STORY.
NOW, THIS CANDELABRA IS CALLED A
MENORAH, AND THESE SEVEN CANDLES

NOW, THIS CANDELABRA IS CALLED A
MENORAH, AND THESE SEVEN CANDLES
REPRESENT THAT THIS IS THE

MENORAH, AND THESE SEVEN CANDLES
REPRESENT THAT THIS IS THE
SEVENTH NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, WHICH

REPRESENT THAT THIS IS THE
SEVENTH NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, WHICH
LASTS FOR EIGHT NIGHTS.

SEVENTH NIGHT OF CHANUKAH, WHICH
LASTS FOR EIGHT NIGHTS.
AND THIS CANDLE IS CALLED THE

LASTS FOR EIGHT NIGHTS.
AND THIS CANDLE IS CALLED THE
SHAMAS.

AND THIS CANDLE IS CALLED THE
SHAMAS.
AND YOU USE THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT

SHAMAS.
AND YOU USE THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT
ALL THE OTHER CANDLES.

AND YOU USE THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT
ALL THE OTHER CANDLES.
THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE

ALL THE OTHER CANDLES.
THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE
CANDLE THAT BURNED MIRACULOUSLY

THE SHAMAS REPRESENTS THE
CANDLE THAT BURNED MIRACULOUSLY
FOR EIGHT DAYS.

CANDLE THAT BURNED MIRACULOUSLY
FOR EIGHT DAYS.
NO, LARRY, THE SHAMAS

FOR EIGHT DAYS.
NO, LARRY, THE SHAMAS
REPRESENTS THE EVERLASTING

NO, LARRY, THE SHAMAS
REPRESENTS THE EVERLASTING
LIGHT.

REPRESENTS THE EVERLASTING
LIGHT.
YOU SEE, AROUND 150 B.C.E., THE

LIGHT.
YOU SEE, AROUND 150 B.C.E., THE
SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER THE

YOU SEE, AROUND 150 B.C.E., THE
SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER THE
TEMPLE AND ALLOWED THE

SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER THE
TEMPLE AND ALLOWED THE
EVERLASTING LIGHT TO GO OUT.

TEMPLE AND ALLOWED THE
EVERLASTING LIGHT TO GO OUT.
HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING

EVERLASTING LIGHT TO GO OUT.
HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING
LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT?

HOW CAN IT BE THE EVERLASTING
LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT?
LARRY, WOULD YOU LET ME TELL

LIGHT IF IT WENT OUT?
LARRY, WOULD YOU LET ME TELL
THE STORY?

LARRY, WOULD YOU LET ME TELL
THE STORY?
NOW, THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER

THE STORY?
NOW, THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER
PALESTINE, WHERE ISRAEL IS

NOW, THE SYRIANS HAD TAKEN OVER
PALESTINE, WHERE ISRAEL IS
TODAY, AND THEY HAD DEFILED THE

PALESTINE, WHERE ISRAEL IS
TODAY, AND THEY HAD DEFILED THE
TEMPLE, THE CENTER OF JEWISH

TODAY, AND THEY HAD DEFILED THE
TEMPLE, THE CENTER OF JEWISH
LIFE.

TEMPLE, THE CENTER OF JEWISH
LIFE.
NOW, THE JEWS FORMED AN ARMY,

LIFE.
NOW, THE JEWS FORMED AN ARMY,
AND EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE

NOW, THE JEWS FORMED AN ARMY,
AND EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE
OUTNUMBERED 10 TO 1, THEY WERE

AND EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE
OUTNUMBERED 10 TO 1, THEY WERE
STILL VICTORIOUS BECAUSE OF

OUTNUMBERED 10 TO 1, THEY WERE
STILL VICTORIOUS BECAUSE OF
THEIR REMARKABLE LEADER,

STILL VICTORIOUS BECAUSE OF
THEIR REMARKABLE LEADER,
JUDAH MACCABEE, OR

THEIR REMARKABLE LEADER,
JUDAH MACCABEE, OR
JUDAH "THE HAMMER" MACCABEE, WHO

JUDAH MACCABEE, OR
JUDAH "THE HAMMER" MACCABEE, WHO
WAS SO CALLED BECAUSE HE WAS

JUDAH "THE HAMMER" MACCABEE, WHO
WAS SO CALLED BECAUSE HE WAS
SUCH A STRONG SOLDIER.

WAS SO CALLED BECAUSE HE WAS
SUCH A STRONG SOLDIER.
HOORAY FOR JUDAH!

SUCH A STRONG SOLDIER.
HOORAY FOR JUDAH!
HOORAY!

HOORAY FOR JUDAH!
HOORAY!
YEAH, THANKS.

HOORAY!
YEAH, THANKS.
BOY, WHAT A VICTORY!

YEAH, THANKS.
BOY, WHAT A VICTORY!
10 TO 1! THEY HAD US!

BOY, WHAT A VICTORY!
10 TO 1! THEY HAD US!
THE JEWS DISCOVERED THE

10 TO 1! THEY HAD US!
THE JEWS DISCOVERED THE
EXTINGUISHED EVERLASTING LIGHT.

THE JEWS DISCOVERED THE
EXTINGUISHED EVERLASTING LIGHT.
UH-OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT

EXTINGUISHED EVERLASTING LIGHT.
UH-OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT
WENT OUT.

UH-OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT
WENT OUT.
HEY, HOW CAN IT BE THE

WENT OUT.
HEY, HOW CAN IT BE THE
EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT

HEY, HOW CAN IT BE THE
EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT
OUT?

EVERLASTING LIGHT IF IT WENT
OUT?
OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IS

OUT?
OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IS
A SYMBOL OF THE LIGHT OF FAITH

OH, THE EVERLASTING LIGHT IS
A SYMBOL OF THE LIGHT OF FAITH
THAT ALWAYS BURNS IN THE HEARTS

A SYMBOL OF THE LIGHT OF FAITH
THAT ALWAYS BURNS IN THE HEARTS
OF JEWS.

THAT ALWAYS BURNS IN THE HEARTS
OF JEWS.
OUR VICTORY TODAY PROVES THAT

OF JEWS.
OUR VICTORY TODAY PROVES THAT
THE LIGHT HAD NEVER REALLY GONE

OUR VICTORY TODAY PROVES THAT
THE LIGHT HAD NEVER REALLY GONE
OUT.

THE LIGHT HAD NEVER REALLY GONE
OUT.
WE MUST FIND SOME OIL AS SOON AS

OUT.
WE MUST FIND SOME OIL AS SOON AS
POSSIBLE TO REKINDLE THE LIGHT

WE MUST FIND SOME OIL AS SOON AS
POSSIBLE TO REKINDLE THE LIGHT
AND KEEP IT BURNING.

POSSIBLE TO REKINDLE THE LIGHT
AND KEEP IT BURNING.
OIL?

AND KEEP IT BURNING.
OIL?
OIL.

OIL?
OIL.
BUT, AMONGST THE DEVASTATION,

OIL.
BUT, AMONGST THE DEVASTATION,
THE JEWS COULD FIND ONLY ONE

BUT, AMONGST THE DEVASTATION,
THE JEWS COULD FIND ONLY ONE
VESSEL OF OIL, ENOUGH TO KEEP

THE JEWS COULD FIND ONLY ONE
VESSEL OF OIL, ENOUGH TO KEEP
THE LIGHT BURNING JUST ONE DAY.

VESSEL OF OIL, ENOUGH TO KEEP
THE LIGHT BURNING JUST ONE DAY.
WELL, I'M SORRY, JUDAH.

THE LIGHT BURNING JUST ONE DAY.
WELL, I'M SORRY, JUDAH.
THIS IS IT.

WELL, I'M SORRY, JUDAH.
THIS IS IT.
WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN

THIS IS IT.
WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN
NOTHING.

WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN
NOTHING.
SO, JUDAH REKINDLED THE

NOTHING.
SO, JUDAH REKINDLED THE
LIGHT, AND EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS

SO, JUDAH REKINDLED THE
LIGHT, AND EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS
OIL FOR ONLY ONE DAY, WHEN TWO

LIGHT, AND EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS
OIL FOR ONLY ONE DAY, WHEN TWO
DAYS HAD PASSED, THE LIGHT WAS

OIL FOR ONLY ONE DAY, WHEN TWO
DAYS HAD PASSED, THE LIGHT WAS
STILL BURNING.

DAYS HAD PASSED, THE LIGHT WAS
STILL BURNING.
HEY, LOOK, THE LIGHT'S STILL

STILL BURNING.
HEY, LOOK, THE LIGHT'S STILL
BURNING.

HEY, LOOK, THE LIGHT'S STILL
BURNING.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SAME

BURNING.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SAME
OIL WE USUALLY USE?

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SAME
OIL WE USUALLY USE?
JUDAH, IT'S THE SAME OIL.

OIL WE USUALLY USE?
JUDAH, IT'S THE SAME OIL.
WELL, IT'LL GO OUT SOON.

JUDAH, IT'S THE SAME OIL.
WELL, IT'LL GO OUT SOON.
WE'VE JUST BEEN LUCKY, I'M SURE.

WELL, IT'LL GO OUT SOON.
WE'VE JUST BEEN LUCKY, I'M SURE.
BUT THE THIRD AND THEN THE

WE'VE JUST BEEN LUCKY, I'M SURE.
BUT THE THIRD AND THEN THE
FOURTH DAYS PASSED, AND STILL

BUT THE THIRD AND THEN THE
FOURTH DAYS PASSED, AND STILL
THE LIGHT BURNED.

FOURTH DAYS PASSED, AND STILL
THE LIGHT BURNED.
BOY, LOOK AT THAT LIGHT.

THE LIGHT BURNED.
BOY, LOOK AT THAT LIGHT.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

BOY, LOOK AT THAT LIGHT.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
OKAY, SOMEBODY'S SNEAKING IN

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
OKAY, SOMEBODY'S SNEAKING IN
OIL WHILE THE OTHERS ARE

OKAY, SOMEBODY'S SNEAKING IN
OIL WHILE THE OTHERS ARE
SLEEPING.

OIL WHILE THE OTHERS ARE
SLEEPING.
NO, MICHAEL AND I STAYED UP

SLEEPING.
NO, MICHAEL AND I STAYED UP
ALL NIGHT JUST TO CHECK.

NO, MICHAEL AND I STAYED UP
ALL NIGHT JUST TO CHECK.
WELL, FRANKLY, RIGHT NOW,

ALL NIGHT JUST TO CHECK.
WELL, FRANKLY, RIGHT NOW,
THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO A MIRACLE.

WELL, FRANKLY, RIGHT NOW,
THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO A MIRACLE.
AND THE FIFTH DAY AND THE

THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO A MIRACLE.
AND THE FIFTH DAY AND THE
SIXTH DAY PASSED, AND STILL THE

AND THE FIFTH DAY AND THE
SIXTH DAY PASSED, AND STILL THE
LIGHT BURNED ON.

SIXTH DAY PASSED, AND STILL THE
LIGHT BURNED ON.
OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A

LIGHT BURNED ON.
OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A
MIRACLE.

OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A
MIRACLE.
HEY, JUDAH SAYS THIS IS A

MIRACLE.
HEY, JUDAH SAYS THIS IS A
MIRACLE!

HEY, JUDAH SAYS THIS IS A
MIRACLE!
All: HOORAY!

MIRACLE!
All: HOORAY!
AND THE SEVENTH DAY PASSED,

All: HOORAY!
AND THE SEVENTH DAY PASSED,
BUT STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON.

AND THE SEVENTH DAY PASSED,
BUT STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON.
THEN CAME THE EIGHTH AND FINAL

BUT STILL THE LIGHT BURNED ON.
THEN CAME THE EIGHTH AND FINAL
NIGHT.

THEN CAME THE EIGHTH AND FINAL
NIGHT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, THE LIGHT

NIGHT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, THE LIGHT
JUST WENT OUT.

HEY, EVERYBODY, THE LIGHT
JUST WENT OUT.
OH, NUTS, AND I WANTED TO SEE

JUST WENT OUT.
OH, NUTS, AND I WANTED TO SEE
IT GO OUT.

OH, NUTS, AND I WANTED TO SEE
IT GO OUT.
MEN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

IT GO OUT.
MEN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
I THINK THAT THIS WHOLE THING,

MEN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
I THINK THAT THIS WHOLE THING,
THE MIRACULOUS VICTORY, THIS

I THINK THAT THIS WHOLE THING,
THE MIRACULOUS VICTORY, THIS
MIRACLE WITH THE LIGHT... IT'S A

THE MIRACULOUS VICTORY, THIS
MIRACLE WITH THE LIGHT... IT'S A
HOLY DAY.

MIRACLE WITH THE LIGHT... IT'S A
HOLY DAY.
AND I SAY THE HOLY DAY SHOULD BE

HOLY DAY.
AND I SAY THE HOLY DAY SHOULD BE
CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS AND

AND I SAY THE HOLY DAY SHOULD BE
CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS AND
NIGHTS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG

CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS AND
NIGHTS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG
THE CANDLE BURNED.

NIGHTS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG
THE CANDLE BURNED.
AND WHAT SHOULD WE CALL THIS

THE CANDLE BURNED.
AND WHAT SHOULD WE CALL THIS
HOLY DAY?

AND WHAT SHOULD WE CALL THIS
HOLY DAY?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.

HOLY DAY?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHO WILL GIVE THE HOLY DAY A

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHO WILL GIVE THE HOLY DAY A
NAME?

WHO WILL GIVE THE HOLY DAY A
NAME?
I WILL!

NAME?
I WILL!
OKAY, THEN, CHANUKAH, YOU

I WILL!
OKAY, THEN, CHANUKAH, YOU
NAME THE HOLY DAY.

OKAY, THEN, CHANUKAH, YOU
NAME THE HOLY DAY.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

NAME THE HOLY DAY.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
AND THAT'S THE STORY OF

ALL RIGHT.
AND THAT'S THE STORY OF
CHANUKAH AND WHY IT'S CELEBRATED

AND THAT'S THE STORY OF
CHANUKAH AND WHY IT'S CELEBRATED
FOR EIGHT DAYS.

CHANUKAH AND WHY IT'S CELEBRATED
FOR EIGHT DAYS.
THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY,

FOR EIGHT DAYS.
THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY,
BOBBI.

THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY,
BOBBI.
THANK YOU.

BOBBI.
THANK YOU.
NOW, I'VE LIGHTED THE CANDLES,

THANK YOU.
NOW, I'VE LIGHTED THE CANDLES,
AND THIS IS THE PRAYER WE SAY.

NOW, I'VE LIGHTED THE CANDLES,
AND THIS IS THE PRAYER WE SAY.
BARUKH ATAH ADONAI, ELOHEINU,

AND THIS IS THE PRAYER WE SAY.
BARUKH ATAH ADONAI, ELOHEINU,
MELEKH HA'OLAM ASHER KIDISHANU

BARUKH ATAH ADONAI, ELOHEINU,
MELEKH HA'OLAM ASHER KIDISHANU
B'MITZ'VOTAV V'TZIVANU L'HAD'LIK

MELEKH HA'OLAM ASHER KIDISHANU
B'MITZ'VOTAV V'TZIVANU L'HAD'LIK
NEIR SHEL CHANUKAH.

B'MITZ'VOTAV V'TZIVANU L'HAD'LIK
NEIR SHEL CHANUKAH.
BLESSED ART THOU, OH, LORD, OUR

NEIR SHEL CHANUKAH.
BLESSED ART THOU, OH, LORD, OUR
GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE,

BLESSED ART THOU, OH, LORD, OUR
GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE,
WHO COMMANDED US TO KINDLE THE

GOD, KING OF THE UNIVERSE,
WHO COMMANDED US TO KINDLE THE
CHANUKAH LIGHTS.

WHO COMMANDED US TO KINDLE THE
CHANUKAH LIGHTS.
AMEN.

CHANUKAH LIGHTS.
AMEN.
AMEN.

AMEN.
AMEN.
YOU KNOW, USUALLY I'M PRETTY

AMEN.
YOU KNOW, USUALLY I'M PRETTY
CYNICAL ABOUT...

YOU KNOW, USUALLY I'M PRETTY
CYNICAL ABOUT...
HOLIDAYS.

CYNICAL ABOUT...
HOLIDAYS.
I GOT A LITTLE MISTY, TOO,

HOLIDAYS.
I GOT A LITTLE MISTY, TOO,
LARRY.

I GOT A LITTLE MISTY, TOO,
LARRY.
YOU KNOW, USUALLY, I'M PRETTY

LARRY.
YOU KNOW, USUALLY, I'M PRETTY
CYNICAL ABOUT THE HOLIDAY

YOU KNOW, USUALLY, I'M PRETTY
CYNICAL ABOUT THE HOLIDAY
SEASON, BUT THIS CHANUKAH

CYNICAL ABOUT THE HOLIDAY
SEASON, BUT THIS CHANUKAH
CELEBRATION JUST MIGHT MAKE THIS

SEASON, BUT THIS CHANUKAH
CELEBRATION JUST MIGHT MAKE THIS
ONE OF THE MOST MEANINGFUL

CELEBRATION JUST MIGHT MAKE THIS
ONE OF THE MOST MEANINGFUL
CHRISTMASES I'VE EVER HAD.

ONE OF THE MOST MEANINGFUL
CHRISTMASES I'VE EVER HAD.
THAT'S A NICE THING TO SAY,

CHRISTMASES I'VE EVER HAD.
THAT'S A NICE THING TO SAY,
DICK.

THAT'S A NICE THING TO SAY,
DICK.
WELL, LET'S EAT!

DICK.
WELL, LET'S EAT!
LET'S EAT!

WELL, LET'S EAT!
LET'S EAT!
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

HI.
I'VE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT,
AND I WANT TO THANK "SATURDAY

I'VE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT,
AND I WANT TO THANK "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" FOR HAVING ME HERE.

AND I WANT TO THANK "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" FOR HAVING ME HERE.
I WANT TO THANK WILLIE NELSON

NIGHT LIVE" FOR HAVING ME HERE.
I WANT TO THANK WILLIE NELSON
AND ANDY KAUFMAN AND, OF COURSE,

I WANT TO THANK WILLIE NELSON
AND ANDY KAUFMAN AND, OF COURSE,
THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

AND ANDY KAUFMAN AND, OF COURSE,
THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS.

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS.
HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?

PLAYERS.
HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU FOR COMING!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU FOR COMING!
WE APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU FOR COMING!
WE APPRECIATE IT.
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE THE

WINNER OF "SATURDAY NIGHT

LIVE'S" ANYONE CAN HOST CONTEST,

AND OUR MUSICAL GUEST WILL BE

THE SEX PISTOLS.

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD ANNOUNCER,

DON PARDO, SAYING GOOD NIGHT.