Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - Steve Martin/The Blues Brothers - full transcript

I'M DON KIRSHNER, AND WELCOME
TO "ROCK CONCERT."
[LAUGHTER]

TO "ROCK CONCERT."
[LAUGHTER]
IN 1969, MARSHALL CHECKERS OF

[LAUGHTER]
IN 1969, MARSHALL CHECKERS OF
THE LEGENDARY CHECKERS RECORDS

IN 1969, MARSHALL CHECKERS OF
THE LEGENDARY CHECKERS RECORDS
CALLED ME ON A NEW BLUES ACT

THE LEGENDARY CHECKERS RECORDS
CALLED ME ON A NEW BLUES ACT
THAT HAD BEEN PLAYING IN SMALL,

CALLED ME ON A NEW BLUES ACT
THAT HAD BEEN PLAYING IN SMALL,
FUNKY CLUBS ON CHICAGO'S

THAT HAD BEEN PLAYING IN SMALL,
FUNKY CLUBS ON CHICAGO'S
SOUTH SIDE.

FUNKY CLUBS ON CHICAGO'S
SOUTH SIDE.
TODAY, WITH THE HELP OF

SOUTH SIDE.
TODAY, WITH THE HELP OF
NESERY WEXLER, JERRY ERDEGAN,

TODAY, WITH THE HELP OF
NESERY WEXLER, JERRY ERDEGAN,
AND THE STAFF OF

NESERY WEXLER, JERRY ERDEGAN,
AND THE STAFF OF
PACIFIC RECORDS, THEIR MANAGER,



AND THE STAFF OF
PACIFIC RECORDS, THEIR MANAGER,
MOREY DANIELS, AND WITH THE

PACIFIC RECORDS, THEIR MANAGER,
MOREY DANIELS, AND WITH THE
SUPPORT OF FELLOW ARTISTS

MOREY DANIELS, AND WITH THE
SUPPORT OF FELLOW ARTISTS
CURTIS SALGADO AND THE

SUPPORT OF FELLOW ARTISTS
CURTIS SALGADO AND THE
CRAY BAND, THEY ARE NO LONGER AN

CURTIS SALGADO AND THE
CRAY BAND, THEY ARE NO LONGER AN
AUTHENTIC BLUES ACT BUT HAVE

CRAY BAND, THEY ARE NO LONGER AN
AUTHENTIC BLUES ACT BUT HAVE
MANAGED TO BECOME A VIABLE

AUTHENTIC BLUES ACT BUT HAVE
MANAGED TO BECOME A VIABLE
COMMERCIAL PRODUCT.

MANAGED TO BECOME A VIABLE
COMMERCIAL PRODUCT.
SO, NOW LET'S JOIN

COMMERCIAL PRODUCT.
SO, NOW LET'S JOIN
"JOLIET" JAKE AND HIS SILENT

SO, NOW LET'S JOIN
"JOLIET" JAKE AND HIS SILENT
BROTHER ELWOOD...

"JOLIET" JAKE AND HIS SILENT
BROTHER ELWOOD...
THE BLUES BROTHERS.

BROTHER ELWOOD...
THE BLUES BROTHERS.
♪ I WENT BALLING THE OTHER

THE BLUES BROTHERS.
♪ I WENT BALLING THE OTHER
NIGHT ♪

♪ I WENT BALLING THE OTHER
NIGHT ♪
♪ STARTED DRINKING AND GOT REAL



NIGHT ♪
♪ STARTED DRINKING AND GOT REAL
TIGHT ♪

♪ STARTED DRINKING AND GOT REAL
TIGHT ♪
♪ I BLEW EACH AND ALL MY

TIGHT ♪
♪ I BLEW EACH AND ALL MY
FRIENDS ♪

♪ I BLEW EACH AND ALL MY
FRIENDS ♪
♪ IT FELT SO GOOD, I HAD TO BLOW

FRIENDS ♪
♪ IT FELT SO GOOD, I HAD TO BLOW
AGAIN ♪

♪ IT FELT SO GOOD, I HAD TO BLOW
AGAIN ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪

AGAIN ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪

♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪
♪ A DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW

♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪
♪ A DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW
THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪

♪ A DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW
THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪
♪ YEAH, I SAW A CHICK SITTING ON

THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪
♪ YEAH, I SAW A CHICK SITTING ON
THE END ♪

♪ YEAH, I SAW A CHICK SITTING ON
THE END ♪
♪ I SAID, "BABY, CAN'T WE BE

THE END ♪
♪ I SAID, "BABY, CAN'T WE BE
FRIENDS? ♪

♪ I SAID, "BABY, CAN'T WE BE
FRIENDS? ♪
♪ YOU LOOK AS SWEET AS YOU CAN

FRIENDS? ♪
♪ YOU LOOK AS SWEET AS YOU CAN
BE ♪

♪ YOU LOOK AS SWEET AS YOU CAN
BE ♪
♪ WELL, COME ON DOWN, AND DRINK

BE ♪
♪ WELL, COME ON DOWN, AND DRINK
WITH ME ♪

♪ WELL, COME ON DOWN, AND DRINK
WITH ME ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪

WITH ME ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪

♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪
♪ DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW

♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪
♪ DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW
THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪

♪ DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW
THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪
[HARMONICA SOLO]

♪ WELL, WE WAS HAVING SO MUCH
FUN ♪
♪ I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HALF

FUN ♪
♪ I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HALF
PAST 1:00 ♪

♪ I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HALF
PAST 1:00 ♪
♪ I TURNED AROUND TO HAVE ONE

PAST 1:00 ♪
♪ I TURNED AROUND TO HAVE ONE
MORE ♪

♪ I TURNED AROUND TO HAVE ONE
MORE ♪
♪ I LOOKED AT THE CLOCK, AND

MORE ♪
♪ I LOOKED AT THE CLOCK, AND
IT WAS HALF PAST 4:00 ♪

♪ I LOOKED AT THE CLOCK, AND
IT WAS HALF PAST 4:00 ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪

IT WAS HALF PAST 4:00 ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪

♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪
♪ DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW

♪ HEY, MAN, LOOKA HERE ♪
♪ DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW
THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪

♪ DRAW ONE, DRAW TWO, DRAW
THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪
♪ WELL, JUKEBOX PLAYER IS

THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪
♪ WELL, JUKEBOX PLAYER IS
EVERYTHING ♪

♪ WELL, JUKEBOX PLAYER IS
EVERYTHING ♪
♪ ALL THE CATS BEGAN TO SING ♪

EVERYTHING ♪
♪ ALL THE CATS BEGAN TO SING ♪
♪ I HEARD SOMEBODY CALL AND

♪ ALL THE CATS BEGAN TO SING ♪
♪ I HEARD SOMEBODY CALL AND
SAID, "LAST ROUND FOR

♪ I HEARD SOMEBODY CALL AND
SAID, "LAST ROUND FOR
ALKY-HOL" ♪

SAID, "LAST ROUND FOR
ALKY-HOL" ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪

ALKY-HOL" ♪
♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, BARTENDER ♪

♪ I SAID, "HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ DRAW ONE...

♪ HEY, BARTENDER ♪
♪ DRAW ONE...
TWO...

♪ DRAW ONE...
TWO...
THREE, FOUR GLASSES OF BEER" ♪

♪ WOOOWWW ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S

[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!

STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
STEVE MARTIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
WHAT? FOR ME?!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
WHAT? FOR ME?!
THANK YOU.

WHAT? FOR ME?!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME
TO ME, AND THEY SAY, "STEVE...

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME
TO ME, AND THEY SAY, "STEVE...
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR COMEDY

TO ME, AND THEY SAY, "STEVE...
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR COMEDY
IDEAS?"

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR COMEDY
IDEAS?"
WELL, I TRY TO DRAW THEM FROM

IDEAS?"
WELL, I TRY TO DRAW THEM FROM
REAL LIFE, THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO

WELL, I TRY TO DRAW THEM FROM
REAL LIFE, THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO
YOU AND ME EVERY DAY, THINGS WE

REAL LIFE, THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO
YOU AND ME EVERY DAY, THINGS WE
CAN ALL RELATE TO.

YOU AND ME EVERY DAY, THINGS WE
CAN ALL RELATE TO.
LIKE, EARLY IN THE MORNING,

CAN ALL RELATE TO.
LIKE, EARLY IN THE MORNING,
YOU'RE SOUND ASLEEP, THE

LIKE, EARLY IN THE MORNING,
YOU'RE SOUND ASLEEP, THE
TELEPHONE RINGS, AND YOU PICK UP

YOU'RE SOUND ASLEEP, THE
TELEPHONE RINGS, AND YOU PICK UP
THE PHONE, AND YOUR VOICE IS ALL

TELEPHONE RINGS, AND YOU PICK UP
THE PHONE, AND YOUR VOICE IS ALL
SCRATCHY AND GRAVELLY.

THE PHONE, AND YOUR VOICE IS ALL
SCRATCHY AND GRAVELLY.
AND YOU'RE GOING, "HELLO..."

SCRATCHY AND GRAVELLY.
AND YOU'RE GOING, "HELLO..."
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF

AND YOU'RE GOING, "HELLO..."
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF
THE PHONE ALWAYS SAYS,

THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF
THE PHONE ALWAYS SAYS,
"OH, DID I ASSASSINATE YOUR

THE PHONE ALWAYS SAYS,
"OH, DID I ASSASSINATE YOUR
PENGUIN?"

"OH, DID I ASSASSINATE YOUR
PENGUIN?"
[LAUGHTER]

PENGUIN?"
[LAUGHTER]
I CAN SEE THIS HAPPENS TO YOU,

[LAUGHTER]
I CAN SEE THIS HAPPENS TO YOU,
TOO.

I CAN SEE THIS HAPPENS TO YOU,
TOO.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO HAVE

TOO.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO HAVE
IDEAS THAT RELATE TO EVERYONE,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO HAVE
IDEAS THAT RELATE TO EVERYONE,
THAT EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTAND.

IDEAS THAT RELATE TO EVERYONE,
THAT EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTAND.
NOT COME OUT HERE AND DO THINGS

THAT EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTAND.
NOT COME OUT HERE AND DO THINGS
THAT ARE OVER THE AUDIENCE'S

NOT COME OUT HERE AND DO THINGS
THAT ARE OVER THE AUDIENCE'S
HEAD, OTHERWISE YOU MAY AS WELL

THAT ARE OVER THE AUDIENCE'S
HEAD, OTHERWISE YOU MAY AS WELL
BE LIKE, UH... DEMETRI IN

HEAD, OTHERWISE YOU MAY AS WELL
BE LIKE, UH... DEMETRI IN
"CONDITIONS HUMAINES"...

BE LIKE, UH... DEMETRI IN
"CONDITIONS HUMAINES"...
OR EDUARDO IN "THE POSSESSED."

"CONDITIONS HUMAINES"...
OR EDUARDO IN "THE POSSESSED."
BUT THE DANGER IN COMING OUT ON

OR EDUARDO IN "THE POSSESSED."
BUT THE DANGER IN COMING OUT ON
TV SHOWS AND DOING COMEDY

BUT THE DANGER IN COMING OUT ON
TV SHOWS AND DOING COMEDY
MONOLOGUES AND RELEASING COMEDY

TV SHOWS AND DOING COMEDY
MONOLOGUES AND RELEASING COMEDY
ALBUMS... YOU CAN BE TYPECAST AS

MONOLOGUES AND RELEASING COMEDY
ALBUMS... YOU CAN BE TYPECAST AS
A COMEDIAN.

ALBUMS... YOU CAN BE TYPECAST AS
A COMEDIAN.
SO WHAT I DO IN THE

A COMEDIAN.
SO WHAT I DO IN THE
SUMMERTIME... I'M HAPPY TO

SO WHAT I DO IN THE
SUMMERTIME... I'M HAPPY TO
ANNOUNCE THIS... I ALWAYS DO

SUMMERTIME... I'M HAPPY TO
ANNOUNCE THIS... I ALWAYS DO
SHAKESPEAREAN FESTIVALS.

ANNOUNCE THIS... I ALWAYS DO
SHAKESPEAREAN FESTIVALS.
THIS SUMMER, I'LL BE GOING DOWN

SHAKESPEAREAN FESTIVALS.
THIS SUMMER, I'LL BE GOING DOWN
TO SAN DIEGO FOR TWO WEEKS TO DO

THIS SUMMER, I'LL BE GOING DOWN
TO SAN DIEGO FOR TWO WEEKS TO DO
SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK.

TO SAN DIEGO FOR TWO WEEKS TO DO
SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK.
WE'LL BE DOING "KING LEAR."

SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK.
WE'LL BE DOING "KING LEAR."
I'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF

WE'LL BE DOING "KING LEAR."
I'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF
LITTLE RICHARD.

I'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF
LITTLE RICHARD.
THEN I WILL GO UP TO

LITTLE RICHARD.
THEN I WILL GO UP TO
SAN FRANCISCO FOR THREE WEEKS

THEN I WILL GO UP TO
SAN FRANCISCO FOR THREE WEEKS
THERE FOR

SAN FRANCISCO FOR THREE WEEKS
THERE FOR
SHAKESPEARE UNDER THE STARS.

THERE FOR
SHAKESPEARE UNDER THE STARS.
WE'LL BE DOING

SHAKESPEARE UNDER THE STARS.
WE'LL BE DOING
"ROMEO AND JULIET."

WE'LL BE DOING
"ROMEO AND JULIET."
I'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF EARL

"ROMEO AND JULIET."
I'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF EARL
THE JACUZZI SALESMAN.

I'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF EARL
THE JACUZZI SALESMAN.
[LAUGHTER]

THE JACUZZI SALESMAN.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I HAD, A COUPLE OF MONTHS

[LAUGHTER]
BUT I HAD, A COUPLE OF MONTHS
AGO, A VERY... IMPORTANT

BUT I HAD, A COUPLE OF MONTHS
AGO, A VERY... IMPORTANT
EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE, AND I'D

AGO, A VERY... IMPORTANT
EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE, AND I'D
LIKE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.

EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE, AND I'D
LIKE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.
I WENT TO FRANCE, AND I VISITED

LIKE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.
I WENT TO FRANCE, AND I VISITED
THE CATHEDRAL AT CHARTRES, AND

I WENT TO FRANCE, AND I VISITED
THE CATHEDRAL AT CHARTRES, AND
I HAD A VERY MOVING EXPERIENCE.

THE CATHEDRAL AT CHARTRES, AND
I HAD A VERY MOVING EXPERIENCE.
IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT, IT'S A

I HAD A VERY MOVING EXPERIENCE.
IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT, IT'S A
MAGNIFICENT BUILDING, PROBABLY

IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT, IT'S A
MAGNIFICENT BUILDING, PROBABLY
400 YEARS OLD, BEAUTIFUL STAINED

MAGNIFICENT BUILDING, PROBABLY
400 YEARS OLD, BEAUTIFUL STAINED
GLASS, AND I HAVE TO BE HONEST

400 YEARS OLD, BEAUTIFUL STAINED
GLASS, AND I HAVE TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU, I WAS VERY, VERY

GLASS, AND I HAVE TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU, I WAS VERY, VERY
MOVED.

WITH YOU, I WAS VERY, VERY
MOVED.
AND AS I WAS... WRITING MY NAME

MOVED.
AND AS I WAS... WRITING MY NAME
ON IT WITH A CAN OF SPRAY

AND AS I WAS... WRITING MY NAME
ON IT WITH A CAN OF SPRAY
PAINT...

ON IT WITH A CAN OF SPRAY
PAINT...
[LAUGHTER]

PAINT...
[LAUGHTER]
I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING I READ

[LAUGHTER]
I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING I READ
ABOUT A YEAR AGO THAT HAS

I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING I READ
ABOUT A YEAR AGO THAT HAS
COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE, AND

ABOUT A YEAR AGO THAT HAS
COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE, AND
TONIGHT, I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE

COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE, AND
TONIGHT, I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE
THIS WITH YOU.

TONIGHT, I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE
THIS WITH YOU.
IT'S NOT OFTEN IN LITERATURE

THIS WITH YOU.
IT'S NOT OFTEN IN LITERATURE
THAT YOU COME ACROSS A PHRASE OR

IT'S NOT OFTEN IN LITERATURE
THAT YOU COME ACROSS A PHRASE OR
SENTENCE THAT REALLY MEANS A LOT

THAT YOU COME ACROSS A PHRASE OR
SENTENCE THAT REALLY MEANS A LOT
TO YOU, AND I'D LIKE TO READ

SENTENCE THAT REALLY MEANS A LOT
TO YOU, AND I'D LIKE TO READ
THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW...

TO YOU, AND I'D LIKE TO READ
THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW...
"APPLY TO INFESTED AREA."

THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW...
"APPLY TO INFESTED AREA."
[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW...
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
I'M KIND OF INTO MAGIC, AND

THANK YOU.
I'M KIND OF INTO MAGIC, AND
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TRY

I'M KIND OF INTO MAGIC, AND
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TRY
SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT

TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TRY
SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT
DIFFERENT.

SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT
DIFFERENT.
I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT AT

DIFFERENT.
I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT AT
DIFFERENT CLUBS.

I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT AT
DIFFERENT CLUBS.
I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE

DIFFERENT CLUBS.
I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE
AUDIENCE, JUST ANYBODY WHO WANTS

I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE
AUDIENCE, JUST ANYBODY WHO WANTS
TO COME UP WOULD BE FINE.

AUDIENCE, JUST ANYBODY WHO WANTS
TO COME UP WOULD BE FINE.
YOU, SIR.

TO COME UP WOULD BE FINE.
YOU, SIR.
YEAH. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

YOU, SIR.
YEAH. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JOHN ALDRESS.

YEAH. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JOHN ALDRESS.
JOHN ALDRESS.

JOHN ALDRESS.
JOHN ALDRESS.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV BEFORE?

JOHN ALDRESS.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV BEFORE?
A BALL GAME ONCE IN A LONG

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV BEFORE?
A BALL GAME ONCE IN A LONG
SHOT.

A BALL GAME ONCE IN A LONG
SHOT.
SO, DO YOU LIVE OUT HERE OR

SHOT.
SO, DO YOU LIVE OUT HERE OR
WHAT?

SO, DO YOU LIVE OUT HERE OR
WHAT?
NO, I'M FROM LANCASTER,

WHAT?
NO, I'M FROM LANCASTER,
PENNSYLVANIA.

NO, I'M FROM LANCASTER,
PENNSYLVANIA.
FROM LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA.

PENNSYLVANIA.
FROM LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA.
THAT'S REAL INTERESTING.

FROM LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA.
THAT'S REAL INTERESTING.
WHAT TIME DO YOU GO TO WORK IN

THAT'S REAL INTERESTING.
WHAT TIME DO YOU GO TO WORK IN
THE MORNING?

WHAT TIME DO YOU GO TO WORK IN
THE MORNING?
OH, AROUND 8:30.

THE MORNING?
OH, AROUND 8:30.
DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR

OH, AROUND 8:30.
DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR
WATCH WHEN YOU GO TO WORK AT

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR
WATCH WHEN YOU GO TO WORK AT
8:30?

WATCH WHEN YOU GO TO WORK AT
8:30?
HERE YOU GO.

8:30?
HERE YOU GO.
THAT'S GOOD.

HERE YOU GO.
THAT'S GOOD.
WHERE DO YOU WORK?

THAT'S GOOD.
WHERE DO YOU WORK?
I WORK FOR THE

WHERE DO YOU WORK?
I WORK FOR THE
RALSTON PURINA COMPANY.

I WORK FOR THE
RALSTON PURINA COMPANY.
RALSTON PURINA, HUH?

RALSTON PURINA COMPANY.
RALSTON PURINA, HUH?
AND YOU WORK EIGHT HOURS A DAY?

RALSTON PURINA, HUH?
AND YOU WORK EIGHT HOURS A DAY?
WELL, I TRAVEL A LOT.

AND YOU WORK EIGHT HOURS A DAY?
WELL, I TRAVEL A LOT.
WHAT TIME DO YOU GET OFF?

WELL, I TRAVEL A LOT.
WHAT TIME DO YOU GET OFF?
WELL, I QUIT ABOUT 4:30.

WHAT TIME DO YOU GET OFF?
WELL, I QUIT ABOUT 4:30.
WELL, MAYBE YOUR WATCH WOULD

WELL, I QUIT ABOUT 4:30.
WELL, MAYBE YOUR WATCH WOULD
LIKE TO HAVE...

WELL, MAYBE YOUR WATCH WOULD
LIKE TO HAVE...
DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

LIKE TO HAVE...
DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
YEAH, I HAVE A COUPLE OF KIDS.

HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
YEAH, I HAVE A COUPLE OF KIDS.
I HAVE... THREE CHILDREN.

YEAH, I HAVE A COUPLE OF KIDS.
I HAVE... THREE CHILDREN.
DO YOU CARRY PICTURES OF THEM

I HAVE... THREE CHILDREN.
DO YOU CARRY PICTURES OF THEM
IN YOUR WALLET... LADIES AND

DO YOU CARRY PICTURES OF THEM
IN YOUR WALLET... LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN?!

IN YOUR WALLET... LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN?!
[APPLAUSE]

GENTLEMEN?!
[APPLAUSE]
DO YOU HAVE CREDIT CARDS?

[APPLAUSE]
DO YOU HAVE CREDIT CARDS?
DO YOU CARRY A CHECKBOOK?

DO YOU HAVE CREDIT CARDS?
DO YOU CARRY A CHECKBOOK?
WELL, I HAVE CREDIT CARDS.

DO YOU CARRY A CHECKBOOK?
WELL, I HAVE CREDIT CARDS.
I HAVE A CHECKBOOK.

WELL, I HAVE CREDIT CARDS.
I HAVE A CHECKBOOK.
MAYBE THEY'RE IN YOUR...

I HAVE A CHECKBOOK.
MAYBE THEY'RE IN YOUR...
WALLET.

MAYBE THEY'RE IN YOUR...
WALLET.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHAT DO

WALLET.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHAT DO
YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHAT DO
YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
[APPLAUSE]

YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
[APPLAUSE]
HEY!

[APPLAUSE]
HEY!
[CHUCKLES]

HEY!
[CHUCKLES]
LISTEN, WHEN YOU'RE GETTING

[CHUCKLES]
LISTEN, WHEN YOU'RE GETTING
DRESSED IN THE MORNING, WHAT DO

LISTEN, WHEN YOU'RE GETTING
DRESSED IN THE MORNING, WHAT DO
YOU DO?

DRESSED IN THE MORNING, WHAT DO
YOU DO?
YOU PUT ON YOUR PANTS.

YOU DO?
YOU PUT ON YOUR PANTS.
I PUT ON MY PANTS.

YOU PUT ON YOUR PANTS.
I PUT ON MY PANTS.
WHAT DO YOU HOLD THEM UP

I PUT ON MY PANTS.
WHAT DO YOU HOLD THEM UP
WITH?

WHAT DO YOU HOLD THEM UP
WITH?
I USUALLY...

WITH?
I USUALLY...
A BELT, MAYBE?

I USUALLY...
A BELT, MAYBE?
[LAUGHING]

A BELT, MAYBE?
[LAUGHING]
WELL, WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU

[LAUGHING]
WELL, WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU
DON'T HAVE A BELT?

WELL, WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU
DON'T HAVE A BELT?
WHAT DO YOU WEAR THEN?

DON'T HAVE A BELT?
WHAT DO YOU WEAR THEN?
WELL, I WEAR SUSPENDERS.

WHAT DO YOU WEAR THEN?
WELL, I WEAR SUSPENDERS.
SUSPENDERS, MAYBE?

WELL, I WEAR SUSPENDERS.
SUSPENDERS, MAYBE?
SO, YOU PUT ON YOUR SHOES, AND

SUSPENDERS, MAYBE?
SO, YOU PUT ON YOUR SHOES, AND
WHAT DO YOU PUT ON NEXT?

SO, YOU PUT ON YOUR SHOES, AND
WHAT DO YOU PUT ON NEXT?
WELL, I PUT ON MY SOCKS AND

WHAT DO YOU PUT ON NEXT?
WELL, I PUT ON MY SOCKS AND
SOME UNDERWEAR.

WELL, I PUT ON MY SOCKS AND
SOME UNDERWEAR.
UNDERWEAR?

SOME UNDERWEAR.
UNDERWEAR?
PUT ON ANOTHER PAIR OF

UNDERWEAR?
PUT ON ANOTHER PAIR OF
SUSPENDERS, MAYBE, TOO?

PUT ON ANOTHER PAIR OF
SUSPENDERS, MAYBE, TOO?
AND WHAT ABOUT SOME OTHER

SUSPENDERS, MAYBE, TOO?
AND WHAT ABOUT SOME OTHER
UNDERWEAR, MAYBE, THAT YOU WEAR?

AND WHAT ABOUT SOME OTHER
UNDERWEAR, MAYBE, THAT YOU WEAR?
THERE YOU GO.

UNDERWEAR, MAYBE, THAT YOU WEAR?
THERE YOU GO.
HOW LONG YOU HAD THAT MUSTACHE?

THERE YOU GO.
HOW LONG YOU HAD THAT MUSTACHE?
ABOUT THREE YEARS.

HOW LONG YOU HAD THAT MUSTACHE?
ABOUT THREE YEARS.
ABOUT THREE YEARS? WHAT IF...

ABOUT THREE YEARS.
ABOUT THREE YEARS? WHAT IF...
AAH!

ABOUT THREE YEARS? WHAT IF...
AAH!
SO, YOU GET DRESSED, AND THEN

AAH!
SO, YOU GET DRESSED, AND THEN
YOU PUT THIS SHIRT ON?

SO, YOU GET DRESSED, AND THEN
YOU PUT THIS SHIRT ON?
HEY, AND WHAT ABOUT THESE SHOES?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOT ALL WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR
MR. RIGHT.
SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A

MR. RIGHT.
SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A
LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING.

SOMETIMES THEY MIGHT JUST WANT A
LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING.
THAT'S WHY OLFALO CREATED

LITTLE COMPANY FOR THE EVENING.
THAT'S WHY OLFALO CREATED
"HEY, YOU!"

THAT'S WHY OLFALO CREATED
"HEY, YOU!"
JUST ONE WHIFF...

"HEY, YOU!"
JUST ONE WHIFF...
DOES THE TRICK.

JUST ONE WHIFF...
DOES THE TRICK.
FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU

DOES THE TRICK.
FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU
CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE.

FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN YOU
CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE.
HEY, YOU!

CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SUBTLE.
HEY, YOU!
THE SCENT YOU CAN'T IGNORE.

HEY... YOU.

HEY, YOU!
FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE YOU
NEVER EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN.

FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE YOU
NEVER EXPECT TO SEE AGAIN.
[HORNS HONKING]

HEY, YOU!
THE PERFUME FOR ONE-NIGHT
STANDS...

THE PERFUME FOR ONE-NIGHT
STANDS...
FROM OLFALO.

[Czech accent] AH...
GEORG, MY BROTHER, THERE WILL
CERTAINLY BE A LOT OF SWINGING

GEORG, MY BROTHER, THERE WILL
CERTAINLY BE A LOT OF SWINGING
IN OUR BACHELOR PAD TONIGHT.

CERTAINLY BE A LOT OF SWINGING
IN OUR BACHELOR PAD TONIGHT.
[Czech accent] HOLD IT.

IN OUR BACHELOR PAD TONIGHT.
[Czech accent] HOLD IT.
LET'S CATCH SOME RAYS.

[Czech accent] HOLD IT.
LET'S CATCH SOME RAYS.
YOU AND WHAT ARMY?

LET'S CATCH SOME RAYS.
YOU AND WHAT ARMY?
[BOTH LAUGH]

YOU AND WHAT ARMY?
[BOTH LAUGH]
FORGET ABOUT IT.

AH...
THAT FOX BAR WAS REALLY
SOMETHING TONIGHT.

THAT FOX BAR WAS REALLY
SOMETHING TONIGHT.
IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY TO SEE MANY

SOMETHING TONIGHT.
IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY TO SEE MANY
SWINGING AMERICANS ENJOYING EACH

IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY TO SEE MANY
SWINGING AMERICANS ENJOYING EACH
OTHER A GREAT DEAL.

SWINGING AMERICANS ENJOYING EACH
OTHER A GREAT DEAL.
AND HERE IS A THING I WILL

OTHER A GREAT DEAL.
AND HERE IS A THING I WILL
TELL YOU... THE TWO MOST

AND HERE IS A THING I WILL
TELL YOU... THE TWO MOST
SWINGING FOXES HAD THE HOTS ON

TELL YOU... THE TWO MOST
SWINGING FOXES HAD THE HOTS ON
FOR US AND ARE COMING HERE

SWINGING FOXES HAD THE HOTS ON
FOR US AND ARE COMING HERE
TONIGHT TO LET US HOLD ON TO

FOR US AND ARE COMING HERE
TONIGHT TO LET US HOLD ON TO
THEIR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS!

TONIGHT TO LET US HOLD ON TO
THEIR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS!
WHY NOT?

THEIR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS!
WHY NOT?
THERE'S NOTHING PREVENTING THEM.

WHY NOT?
THERE'S NOTHING PREVENTING THEM.
AFTER ALL, THERE'S NO OTHER PAIR

THERE'S NOTHING PREVENTING THEM.
AFTER ALL, THERE'S NO OTHER PAIR
OF CZECH BROTHERS WHO CRUISE AND

AFTER ALL, THERE'S NO OTHER PAIR
OF CZECH BROTHERS WHO CRUISE AND
SWING SO SUCCESSFULLY IN TIGHT

OF CZECH BROTHERS WHO CRUISE AND
SWING SO SUCCESSFULLY IN TIGHT
SLACKS.

SWING SO SUCCESSFULLY IN TIGHT
SLACKS.
WE ARE...

SLACKS.
WE ARE...
TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

OH, NO!
OUR BACHELOR PAD CERTAINLY IS
MESSED AROUND.

OUR BACHELOR PAD CERTAINLY IS
MESSED AROUND.
SOON WILL BE THE FOXES.

MESSED AROUND.
SOON WILL BE THE FOXES.
WHERE IS THE PORTABLE FLOOR

SOON WILL BE THE FOXES.
WHERE IS THE PORTABLE FLOOR
VACUUM THAT WE BROUGHT WITH US

WHERE IS THE PORTABLE FLOOR
VACUUM THAT WE BROUGHT WITH US
FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA?

VACUUM THAT WE BROUGHT WITH US
FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA?
WAIT HERE NOW, AND YOU'LL

FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA?
WAIT HERE NOW, AND YOU'LL
FIND OUT.

[VACUUM CLEANER RUNS]

[VACUUM CLEANER STOPS]
THIS FLOOR VACUUM IS SUCH A
WONDERFUL HOUSEHOLD CONVENIENCE

THIS FLOOR VACUUM IS SUCH A
WONDERFUL HOUSEHOLD CONVENIENCE
THAT WE'VE WANTED FOR MANY

WONDERFUL HOUSEHOLD CONVENIENCE
THAT WE'VE WANTED FOR MANY
YEARS.

THAT WE'VE WANTED FOR MANY
YEARS.
YES.

YEARS.
YES.
USUALLY IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA, ONLY

YES.
USUALLY IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA, ONLY
HIGH PARTY OFFICIALS OF THE

USUALLY IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA, ONLY
HIGH PARTY OFFICIALS OF THE
COMMUNIST PARTY CAN GET THEM

HIGH PARTY OFFICIALS OF THE
COMMUNIST PARTY CAN GET THEM
RIGHT AWAY.

COMMUNIST PARTY CAN GET THEM
RIGHT AWAY.
I'M GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO

RIGHT AWAY.
I'M GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO
SMUGGLE IT OUT OF BRATISLAVA.

I'M GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO
SMUGGLE IT OUT OF BRATISLAVA.
OH, YES.

SMUGGLE IT OUT OF BRATISLAVA.
OH, YES.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

OH, YES.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
FOXES!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

CLIFF!
LOOK WHO IT IS STANDING HERE...
OUR SWINGING AMERICAN BUDDY

LOOK WHO IT IS STANDING HERE...
OUR SWINGING AMERICAN BUDDY
CLIFF.

OUR SWINGING AMERICAN BUDDY
CLIFF.
SLAP MY HAND, BLACK SOUL MAN.

CLIFF.
SLAP MY HAND, BLACK SOUL MAN.
HI, GEORG.

SLAP MY HAND, BLACK SOUL MAN.
HI, GEORG.
HI, YORTUK.

HI, GEORG.
HI, YORTUK.
HEY, MAN, I WAS INVITED TO THIS

HI, YORTUK.
HEY, MAN, I WAS INVITED TO THIS
REALLY HOT PARTY TONIGHT.

HEY, MAN, I WAS INVITED TO THIS
REALLY HOT PARTY TONIGHT.
DO YOU GUYS WANT TO GO?

REALLY HOT PARTY TONIGHT.
DO YOU GUYS WANT TO GO?
NO WAY.

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO GO?
NO WAY.
THAT'S YOUR FUNERAL.

NO WAY.
THAT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
DON'T COME CRAWLING TO US.

THAT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
DON'T COME CRAWLING TO US.
TWO HIGH-FASHION MODELS FROM THE

DON'T COME CRAWLING TO US.
TWO HIGH-FASHION MODELS FROM THE
FOX BAR WILL BE HERE SOON TO

TWO HIGH-FASHION MODELS FROM THE
FOX BAR WILL BE HERE SOON TO
GIVE THEMSELVES TO THE

FOX BAR WILL BE HERE SOON TO
GIVE THEMSELVES TO THE
FESTRUNK BROTHERS.

GIVE THEMSELVES TO THE
FESTRUNK BROTHERS.
YOU GOT TWO LADIES COMING

FESTRUNK BROTHERS.
YOU GOT TWO LADIES COMING
HERE TONIGHT?

YOU GOT TWO LADIES COMING
HERE TONIGHT?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

HERE TONIGHT?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WE CRUISED FOR THEM IN OUR

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WE CRUISED FOR THEM IN OUR
TIGHT SLACKS, WHICH GAVE US

WE CRUISED FOR THEM IN OUR
TIGHT SLACKS, WHICH GAVE US
GREAT BULGES.

TIGHT SLACKS, WHICH GAVE US
GREAT BULGES.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

GREAT BULGES.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
IF THESE CHICKS WERE SO

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
IF THESE CHICKS WERE SO
INTERESTED, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST

IF THESE CHICKS WERE SO
INTERESTED, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST
COME BACK WITH YOU, MAN?

INTERESTED, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST
COME BACK WITH YOU, MAN?
OH, WE GAVE THEM THE ADDRESS

COME BACK WITH YOU, MAN?
OH, WE GAVE THEM THE ADDRESS
TO OUR BACHELOR PAD.

OH, WE GAVE THEM THE ADDRESS
TO OUR BACHELOR PAD.
THEY HAD TO GO TO THE

TO OUR BACHELOR PAD.
THEY HAD TO GO TO THE
STATUE OF LIBERTY TO PICK UP

THEY HAD TO GO TO THE
STATUE OF LIBERTY TO PICK UP
THEIR BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES.

STATUE OF LIBERTY TO PICK UP
THEIR BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES.
UH, WHAT?

THEIR BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES.
UH, WHAT?
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?

UH, WHAT?
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?
THEY TOLD US THAT, IN

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?
THEY TOLD US THAT, IN
AMERICA, MANY AMERICAN PARK

THEY TOLD US THAT, IN
AMERICA, MANY AMERICAN PARK
RANGERS DISTRIBUTE BIRTH-CONTROL

AMERICA, MANY AMERICAN PARK
RANGERS DISTRIBUTE BIRTH-CONTROL
DEVICES.

RANGERS DISTRIBUTE BIRTH-CONTROL
DEVICES.
POOR FOXES.

DEVICES.
POOR FOXES.
EVERY TIME THEY'RE HAVING SEX,

POOR FOXES.
EVERY TIME THEY'RE HAVING SEX,
THEY MUST GO TO THE CLOSEST

EVERY TIME THEY'RE HAVING SEX,
THEY MUST GO TO THE CLOSEST
NATIONAL MONUMENT.

THEY MUST GO TO THE CLOSEST
NATIONAL MONUMENT.
OKAY.

NATIONAL MONUMENT.
OKAY.
UH... YORTUK, GEORG, SIT DOWN FOR

OKAY.
UH... YORTUK, GEORG, SIT DOWN FOR
A MINUTE.

UH... YORTUK, GEORG, SIT DOWN FOR
A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.
NOW, THESE CHICKS ARE NOT GOING

I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.
NOW, THESE CHICKS ARE NOT GOING
TO SHOW UP.

NOW, THESE CHICKS ARE NOT GOING
TO SHOW UP.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

TO SHOW UP.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
MAN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
MAN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
HOSED, BABY.

MAN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
HOSED, BABY.
HOSED? COUNT ME IN.

HOSED, BABY.
HOSED? COUNT ME IN.
[BOTH LAUGH]

HOSED? COUNT ME IN.
[BOTH LAUGH]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

[BOTH LAUGH]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO.
UH... HOSED... TRICKED.

NO, NO.
UH... HOSED... TRICKED.
I MEAN, THEY STOOD YOU UP, MAN.

UH... HOSED... TRICKED.
I MEAN, THEY STOOD YOU UP, MAN.
THEY'RE NOT COMING HERE.

I MEAN, THEY STOOD YOU UP, MAN.
THEY'RE NOT COMING HERE.
THESE LADIES FIGURED, "HEY, WE

THEY'RE NOT COMING HERE.
THESE LADIES FIGURED, "HEY, WE
GOT THESE TWO CZECHOSLOVAKIAN

THESE LADIES FIGURED, "HEY, WE
GOT THESE TWO CZECHOSLOVAKIAN
DUDES TRYING TO PICK US UP.

GOT THESE TWO CZECHOSLOVAKIAN
DUDES TRYING TO PICK US UP.
WHAT DO THEY KNOW?

DUDES TRYING TO PICK US UP.
WHAT DO THEY KNOW?
LET'S HOSE THEM."

WHAT DO THEY KNOW?
LET'S HOSE THEM."
THE CHICKS WERE LYING, MAN.

LET'S HOSE THEM."
THE CHICKS WERE LYING, MAN.
I BLAME MYSELF.

THE CHICKS WERE LYING, MAN.
I BLAME MYSELF.
THIS REALLY BUMS ME UP.

I BLAME MYSELF.
THIS REALLY BUMS ME UP.
WE SURE HAVE A DRAG.

THIS REALLY BUMS ME UP.
WE SURE HAVE A DRAG.
HEY, UH, LOOK...

WE SURE HAVE A DRAG.
HEY, UH, LOOK...
YOU'RE GOOD GUYS, MAN.

HEY, UH, LOOK...
YOU'RE GOOD GUYS, MAN.
BUT SOMETIMES, MAN, SOMETIMES

YOU'RE GOOD GUYS, MAN.
BUT SOMETIMES, MAN, SOMETIMES
YOU COME ON TOO STRONG.

BUT SOMETIMES, MAN, SOMETIMES
YOU COME ON TOO STRONG.
LIKE WHEN WE'RE OUT PARTYING, IF

YOU COME ON TOO STRONG.
LIKE WHEN WE'RE OUT PARTYING, IF
YOU WANT TO SCORE WITH GIRLS,

LIKE WHEN WE'RE OUT PARTYING, IF
YOU WANT TO SCORE WITH GIRLS,
YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING AROUND

YOU WANT TO SCORE WITH GIRLS,
YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING AROUND
YELLING, "LET'S SWING!

YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING AROUND
YELLING, "LET'S SWING!
YOU WANT TO SWING?!"

YELLING, "LET'S SWING!
YOU WANT TO SWING?!"
MAN, YOU GOT TO BE COOL, MAN.

YOU WANT TO SWING?!"
MAN, YOU GOT TO BE COOL, MAN.
LOOK, IN AMERICA... THIS IS

MAN, YOU GOT TO BE COOL, MAN.
LOOK, IN AMERICA... THIS IS
AMERICA.

LOOK, IN AMERICA... THIS IS
AMERICA.
CLIFF...

AMERICA.
CLIFF...
YOU'RE STANDING ON THE BASE NOW.

CLIFF...
YOU'RE STANDING ON THE BASE NOW.
TONIGHT WE DID NOT SWING

YOU'RE STANDING ON THE BASE NOW.
TONIGHT WE DID NOT SWING
SUCCESSFULLY.

TONIGHT WE DID NOT SWING
SUCCESSFULLY.
I MUST TALK WITH MY BROTHER

SUCCESSFULLY.
I MUST TALK WITH MY BROTHER
GEORG.

I MUST TALK WITH MY BROTHER
GEORG.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

CLIFF...
WE HAVE DECIDED...
THE FESTRUNK BROTHERS DO NOT

WE HAVE DECIDED...
THE FESTRUNK BROTHERS DO NOT
CRUISE CORRECTLY FOR FOXES.

THE FESTRUNK BROTHERS DO NOT
CRUISE CORRECTLY FOR FOXES.
WE WILL NEVER SWING AGAIN.

CRUISE CORRECTLY FOR FOXES.
WE WILL NEVER SWING AGAIN.
AW, COME ON, YOU GUYS.

WE WILL NEVER SWING AGAIN.
AW, COME ON, YOU GUYS.
NOW, LOOK, DON'T TAKE IT SO

AW, COME ON, YOU GUYS.
NOW, LOOK, DON'T TAKE IT SO
HARD.

NOW, LOOK, DON'T TAKE IT SO
HARD.
LET'S GO TO THAT PARTY, MAN.

HARD.
LET'S GO TO THAT PARTY, MAN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

LET'S GO TO THAT PARTY, MAN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
COME ON.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
COME ON.
WHO CAN THIS BE?

COME ON.
WHO CAN THIS BE?
SOMEONE FOR CLIFF.

[GASPS]
NOW...
Both: ARE THE FOXES!

NOW...
Both: ARE THE FOXES!
OUT TO LUNCH!

Both: ARE THE FOXES!
OUT TO LUNCH!
[CHUCKLES]

OUT TO LUNCH!
[CHUCKLES]
HEY, FOXES, CLEAN UP YOUR

[CHUCKLES]
HEY, FOXES, CLEAN UP YOUR
ACT.

HEY, FOXES, CLEAN UP YOUR
ACT.
HI, YORTUK.

ACT.
HI, YORTUK.
HI, GEORG.

HI, YORTUK.
HI, GEORG.
SORRY WE'RE LATE.

HI, GEORG.
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
NO HASSLES, MAN.

SORRY WE'RE LATE.
NO HASSLES, MAN.
HEY, LISTEN TO GEORG'S JOKE.

NO HASSLES, MAN.
HEY, LISTEN TO GEORG'S JOKE.
WELL, OKAY.

HEY, LISTEN TO GEORG'S JOKE.
WELL, OKAY.
HOW MANY ASTRO-SIGN MEDALLIONS

WELL, OKAY.
HOW MANY ASTRO-SIGN MEDALLIONS
CAN YOU WEAR?

HOW MANY ASTRO-SIGN MEDALLIONS
CAN YOU WEAR?
I DON'T KNOW.

CAN YOU WEAR?
I DON'T KNOW.
NEXT TIME, TRY FIVE OF THEM!

I DON'T KNOW.
NEXT TIME, TRY FIVE OF THEM!
[BOTH LAUGH]

NEXT TIME, TRY FIVE OF THEM!
[BOTH LAUGH]
LET'S GO, CHICKS.

[BOTH LAUGH]
LET'S GO, CHICKS.
LET'S SWING!

IT'S OKAY, CLIFF.
MANY AMERICAN GIRLS ENJOY YOU,
TOO.

MANY AMERICAN GIRLS ENJOY YOU,
TOO.
THEY ENJOY YOUR PROTRUDING

TOO.
THEY ENJOY YOUR PROTRUDING
BUTTOCKS ALL THE TIME.

THEY ENJOY YOUR PROTRUDING
BUTTOCKS ALL THE TIME.
SO GET OFF MY BACK, YOU BIG

BUTTOCKS ALL THE TIME.
SO GET OFF MY BACK, YOU BIG
SEX MACHINE!

SO GET OFF MY BACK, YOU BIG
SEX MACHINE!
[CHUCKLES]

SEX MACHINE!
[CHUCKLES]
LET'S GET IT OUT!

[CHUCKLES]
LET'S GET IT OUT!
SO, NOW YOU KNOW, WE ARE TWO

LET'S GET IT OUT!
SO, NOW YOU KNOW, WE ARE TWO
WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

SO, NOW YOU KNOW, WE ARE TWO
WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!
LET'S SWING!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

HELLO, THEODORIC OF YORK.
WELL, IT'S SPRINGTIME, AND I'M
HERE FOR MY ANNUAL HAIRCUT AND

WELL, IT'S SPRINGTIME, AND I'M
HERE FOR MY ANNUAL HAIRCUT AND
BLOODLETTING.

HERE FOR MY ANNUAL HAIRCUT AND
BLOODLETTING.
WELL, WELCOME, SON OF MILLER,

BLOODLETTING.
WELL, WELCOME, SON OF MILLER,
WILLIAM.

WELL, WELCOME, SON OF MILLER,
WILLIAM.
WELL, IT'S TIME TO SEE YOU NOW.

WILLIAM.
WELL, IT'S TIME TO SEE YOU NOW.
HAVE A SEAT.

WELL, IT'S TIME TO SEE YOU NOW.
HAVE A SEAT.
BROOM GILDA...

HAVE A SEAT.
BROOM GILDA...
YOU START ON HIS HAIR, AND I'LL

BROOM GILDA...
YOU START ON HIS HAIR, AND I'LL
OPEN UP ONE OF HIS VEINS.

YOU START ON HIS HAIR, AND I'LL
OPEN UP ONE OF HIS VEINS.
YES, THEODORIC.

OPEN UP ONE OF HIS VEINS.
YES, THEODORIC.
WELL, HOW'S THAT LITTLE BABY

YES, THEODORIC.
WELL, HOW'S THAT LITTLE BABY
I DELIVERED LAST CHRISTMAS WHEN

WELL, HOW'S THAT LITTLE BABY
I DELIVERED LAST CHRISTMAS WHEN
YOUR WIFE DIED?

I DELIVERED LAST CHRISTMAS WHEN
YOUR WIFE DIED?
AH, THE LITTLE FELLOW IS

YOUR WIFE DIED?
AH, THE LITTLE FELLOW IS
DEFORMED.

AH, THE LITTLE FELLOW IS
DEFORMED.
THAT'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER NOW.

DEFORMED.
THAT'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER NOW.
THIS MAY HURT.

THAT'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER NOW.
THIS MAY HURT.
AAH!

THIS MAY HURT.
AAH!
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER

AAH!
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...
THERE YOU GO.

EPISODE OF...
THERE YOU GO.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE I HAVE ANOTHER

THERE YOU GO.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE I HAVE ANOTHER
PATIENT.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I HAVE ANOTHER
PATIENT.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE TO SEE

PATIENT.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE TO SEE
HOW YOU'RE DOING.

I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE TO SEE
HOW YOU'RE DOING.
RIGHT. THANK YOU.

HOW YOU'RE DOING.
RIGHT. THANK YOU.
JUST A TRIM, BROOM GILDA.

RIGHT. THANK YOU.
JUST A TRIM, BROOM GILDA.
[LAUGHS]

JUST A TRIM, BROOM GILDA.
[LAUGHS]
HELLO, THEODORIC,

[LAUGHS]
HELLO, THEODORIC,
BARBER OF YORK.

HELLO, THEODORIC,
BARBER OF YORK.
HELLO, JOAN, WIFE OF SIMKIN

BARBER OF YORK.
HELLO, JOAN, WIFE OF SIMKIN
THE MILLER.

HELLO, JOAN, WIFE OF SIMKIN
THE MILLER.
WELL, HOW'S MY LITTLE PATIENT

THE MILLER.
WELL, HOW'S MY LITTLE PATIENT
DOING?

WELL, HOW'S MY LITTLE PATIENT
DOING?
NOT SO WELL, I FEAR.

DOING?
NOT SO WELL, I FEAR.
WE'VE FOLLOWED ALL YOUR

NOT SO WELL, I FEAR.
WE'VE FOLLOWED ALL YOUR
INSTRUCTIONS.

WE'VE FOLLOWED ALL YOUR
INSTRUCTIONS.
I MIXED POWDER OF STAGHORN, GUM

INSTRUCTIONS.
I MIXED POWDER OF STAGHORN, GUM
OF ARABIC WITH BOILED SHEEP'S

I MIXED POWDER OF STAGHORN, GUM
OF ARABIC WITH BOILED SHEEP'S
URINE AND APPLIED IT IN A

OF ARABIC WITH BOILED SHEEP'S
URINE AND APPLIED IT IN A
POULTICE TO HER FACE.

URINE AND APPLIED IT IN A
POULTICE TO HER FACE.
AND DID YOU BURY HER UP TO

POULTICE TO HER FACE.
AND DID YOU BURY HER UP TO
HER NECK IN THE MARSH AND LEAVE

AND DID YOU BURY HER UP TO
HER NECK IN THE MARSH AND LEAVE
HER OVERNIGHT?

HER NECK IN THE MARSH AND LEAVE
HER OVERNIGHT?
OH, YES, BUT SHE STILL FEELS

HER OVERNIGHT?
OH, YES, BUT SHE STILL FEELS
AS LISTLESS AS EVER, IF NOT

OH, YES, BUT SHE STILL FEELS
AS LISTLESS AS EVER, IF NOT
MORE.

AS LISTLESS AS EVER, IF NOT
MORE.
WELL, LET'S GIVE HER ANOTHER

MORE.
WELL, LET'S GIVE HER ANOTHER
BLOODLETTING.

WELL, LET'S GIVE HER ANOTHER
BLOODLETTING.
BROOM GILDA?

BLOODLETTING.
BROOM GILDA?
YES, THEODORIC?

BROOM GILDA?
YES, THEODORIC?
TAKE TWO PINTS.

YES, THEODORIC?
TAKE TWO PINTS.
YES, THEODORIC.

TAKE TWO PINTS.
YES, THEODORIC.
WILL SHE BE ALL RIGHT,

YES, THEODORIC.
WILL SHE BE ALL RIGHT,
BARBER?

WILL SHE BE ALL RIGHT,
BARBER?
WELL, I'LL DO EVERYTHING

BARBER?
WELL, I'LL DO EVERYTHING
HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

WELL, I'LL DO EVERYTHING
HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, WE BARBERS

HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, WE BARBERS
ARE NOT GODS.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, WE BARBERS
ARE NOT GODS.
YOU KNOW, MEDICINE IS NOT AN

ARE NOT GODS.
YOU KNOW, MEDICINE IS NOT AN
EXACT SCIENCE, BUT WE'RE

YOU KNOW, MEDICINE IS NOT AN
EXACT SCIENCE, BUT WE'RE
LEARNING ALL THE TIME.

EXACT SCIENCE, BUT WE'RE
LEARNING ALL THE TIME.
WHY, JUST 50 YEARS AGO, WE WOULD

LEARNING ALL THE TIME.
WHY, JUST 50 YEARS AGO, WE WOULD
HAVE THOUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER'S

WHY, JUST 50 YEARS AGO, WE WOULD
HAVE THOUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER'S
ILLNESS WAS BROUGHT ON BY

HAVE THOUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER'S
ILLNESS WAS BROUGHT ON BY
DEMONIC POSSESSION OR

ILLNESS WAS BROUGHT ON BY
DEMONIC POSSESSION OR
WITCHCRAFT.

DEMONIC POSSESSION OR
WITCHCRAFT.
BUT NOWADAYS, WE KNOW THAT

WITCHCRAFT.
BUT NOWADAYS, WE KNOW THAT
ISABELLE IS SUFFERING FROM AN

BUT NOWADAYS, WE KNOW THAT
ISABELLE IS SUFFERING FROM AN
IMBALANCE OF BODILY HUMORS,

ISABELLE IS SUFFERING FROM AN
IMBALANCE OF BODILY HUMORS,
PERHAPS CAUSED BY A TOAD OR A

IMBALANCE OF BODILY HUMORS,
PERHAPS CAUSED BY A TOAD OR A
SMALL DWARF LIVING IN HER

PERHAPS CAUSED BY A TOAD OR A
SMALL DWARF LIVING IN HER
STOMACH.

SMALL DWARF LIVING IN HER
STOMACH.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEE SHE'S

STOMACH.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEE SHE'S
IN SUCH GOOD HANDS.

WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEE SHE'S
IN SUCH GOOD HANDS.
WELL, THANK YOU.

IN SUCH GOOD HANDS.
WELL, THANK YOU.
AH!

WELL, THANK YOU.
AH!
[Moaning] OH, GOD.

AH!
[Moaning] OH, GOD.
[Slurring] THEODORIC,

[Moaning] OH, GOD.
[Slurring] THEODORIC,
BARBER OF YORK?

[Slurring] THEODORIC,
BARBER OF YORK?
SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU?

BARBER OF YORK?
SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU?
YEAH, YOU WORKED ON MY BACK.

SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU?
YEAH, YOU WORKED ON MY BACK.
AH, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE

YEAH, YOU WORKED ON MY BACK.
AH, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE
MATTER WITH YOUR FRIEND HERE?

AH, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE
MATTER WITH YOUR FRIEND HERE?
I BROKE HIS LEGS.

MATTER WITH YOUR FRIEND HERE?
I BROKE HIS LEGS.
[Panting] I WAS AT THE

I BROKE HIS LEGS.
[Panting] I WAS AT THE
FESTIVAL OF THE VERNAL EQUINOX,

[Panting] I WAS AT THE
FESTIVAL OF THE VERNAL EQUINOX,
AND I GUESS I HAD A LITTLE BIT

FESTIVAL OF THE VERNAL EQUINOX,
AND I GUESS I HAD A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH MEAD, AND I DARTED OUT

AND I GUESS I HAD A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH MEAD, AND I DARTED OUT
IN FRONT OF AN OXCART.

TOO MUCH MEAD, AND I DARTED OUT
IN FRONT OF AN OXCART.
AND IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST, THE

IN FRONT OF AN OXCART.
AND IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST, THE
POOR LITTLE FELLAS COULDN'T STOP

AND IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST, THE
POOR LITTLE FELLAS COULDN'T STOP
IN TIME.

POOR LITTLE FELLAS COULDN'T STOP
IN TIME.
WELL, YOU'LL FEEL A LOT

IN TIME.
WELL, YOU'LL FEEL A LOT
BETTER AFTER A GOOD BLEEDING.

WELL, YOU'LL FEEL A LOT
BETTER AFTER A GOOD BLEEDING.
BUT I'M BLEEDING ALREADY.

BETTER AFTER A GOOD BLEEDING.
BUT I'M BLEEDING ALREADY.
SAY, WHO'S THE BARBER HERE?

BUT I'M BLEEDING ALREADY.
SAY, WHO'S THE BARBER HERE?
OKAY, OKAY.

SAY, WHO'S THE BARBER HERE?
OKAY, OKAY.
JUST DO SOMETHING FOR MY LEGS,

OKAY, OKAY.
JUST DO SOMETHING FOR MY LEGS,
COULD YOU PLEASE?

JUST DO SOMETHING FOR MY LEGS,
COULD YOU PLEASE?
OKAY, WELL, LOOK.

COULD YOU PLEASE?
OKAY, WELL, LOOK.
AAH! AAH!

OKAY, WELL, LOOK.
AAH! AAH!
WE'LL GET HIM UP ON THE

AAH! AAH!
WE'LL GET HIM UP ON THE
GIBBET OVER HERE.

WE'LL GET HIM UP ON THE
GIBBET OVER HERE.
[GROANING]

GIBBET OVER HERE.
[GROANING]
THIS MIGHT HURT A LITTLE BIT,

[GROANING]
THIS MIGHT HURT A LITTLE BIT,
NATURALLY.

THIS MIGHT HURT A LITTLE BIT,
NATURALLY.
YEAH, I THINK IT IS.

NATURALLY.
YEAH, I THINK IT IS.
I THINK IT'S HURTING.

YEAH, I THINK IT IS.
I THINK IT'S HURTING.
A LITTLE PAIN NEVER HURT

I THINK IT'S HURTING.
A LITTLE PAIN NEVER HURT
ANYONE.

A LITTLE PAIN NEVER HURT
ANYONE.
AAH! AAAH! OHH!

ANYONE.
AAH! AAAH! OHH!
OKAY, HOIST HIM UP THERE.

AAH! AAAH! OHH!
OKAY, HOIST HIM UP THERE.
OKAY, WHAT WE'RE DOING IS

OKAY, HOIST HIM UP THERE.
OKAY, WHAT WE'RE DOING IS
SEPARATING THE BONES A LITTLE

OKAY, WHAT WE'RE DOING IS
SEPARATING THE BONES A LITTLE
BIT, AND IF YOU DON'T FEEL

SEPARATING THE BONES A LITTLE
BIT, AND IF YOU DON'T FEEL
BETTER TOMORROW, WE'LL JUST CUT

BIT, AND IF YOU DON'T FEEL
BETTER TOMORROW, WE'LL JUST CUT
THEM OFF HERE.

BETTER TOMORROW, WE'LL JUST CUT
THEM OFF HERE.
I'M PRETTY SURE I'LL BE

THEM OFF HERE.
I'M PRETTY SURE I'LL BE
FEELING BETTER TOMORROW.

I'M PRETTY SURE I'LL BE
FEELING BETTER TOMORROW.
OKAY.

FEELING BETTER TOMORROW.
OKAY.
THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO GO EASY

OKAY.
THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO GO EASY
ON THE MEAD.

THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO GO EASY
ON THE MEAD.
BROOM GILDA, PUT A FEW LEECHES

ON THE MEAD.
BROOM GILDA, PUT A FEW LEECHES
ON HIS FOREHEAD.

BROOM GILDA, PUT A FEW LEECHES
ON HIS FOREHEAD.
[GROANING]

ON HIS FOREHEAD.
[GROANING]
THANK YOU, BROOM GILDA.

[GROANING]
THANK YOU, BROOM GILDA.
YOU'RE SO KIND.

THANK YOU, BROOM GILDA.
YOU'RE SO KIND.
HOW ARE WE DOING?

YOU'RE SO KIND.
HOW ARE WE DOING?
WELL, I FEEL FAINT, BUT...

HOW ARE WE DOING?
WELL, I FEEL FAINT, BUT...
WELL, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

WELL, I FEEL FAINT, BUT...
WELL, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU CAME IN FOR A WORMING?

WELL, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU CAME IN FOR A WORMING?
I GUESS I'M DUE, BUT I DON'T

YOU CAME IN FOR A WORMING?
I GUESS I'M DUE, BUT I DON'T
HAVE TIME TODAY.

I GUESS I'M DUE, BUT I DON'T
HAVE TIME TODAY.
PLEASE... ACCEPT MY PAYMENT...

HAVE TIME TODAY.
PLEASE... ACCEPT MY PAYMENT...
THIS FINE FAT GOOSE.

PLEASE... ACCEPT MY PAYMENT...
THIS FINE FAT GOOSE.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

THIS FINE FAT GOOSE.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
BROOM GILDA WILL GIVE YOU YOUR

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
BROOM GILDA WILL GIVE YOU YOUR
CHANGE.

BROOM GILDA WILL GIVE YOU YOUR
CHANGE.
THANK YOU, THEODORIC.

CHANGE.
THANK YOU, THEODORIC.
WELL, HOW'S THE LITTLE

THANK YOU, THEODORIC.
WELL, HOW'S THE LITTLE
PATIENT DOING?

WELL, HOW'S THE LITTLE
PATIENT DOING?
SHE'S WORSE.

PATIENT DOING?
SHE'S WORSE.
SHE'S LOOKING PALE.

SHE'S WORSE.
SHE'S LOOKING PALE.
HMM.

SHE'S LOOKING PALE.
HMM.
WELL, IF SHE'S NOT RESPONDING TO

HMM.
WELL, IF SHE'S NOT RESPONDING TO
TREATMENT, WE'LL HAVE TO RUN

WELL, IF SHE'S NOT RESPONDING TO
TREATMENT, WE'LL HAVE TO RUN
SOME MORE TESTS.

TREATMENT, WE'LL HAVE TO RUN
SOME MORE TESTS.
BROOM GILDA, BRING THE CALADRIUS

SOME MORE TESTS.
BROOM GILDA, BRING THE CALADRIUS
BIRD.

BROOM GILDA, BRING THE CALADRIUS
BIRD.
CALADRIUS BIRD?

BIRD.
CALADRIUS BIRD?
YES, THE CALADRIUS BIRD IS A

CALADRIUS BIRD?
YES, THE CALADRIUS BIRD IS A
TEST.

YES, THE CALADRIUS BIRD IS A
TEST.
WE PUT IT NEXT TO THE PATIENT,

TEST.
WE PUT IT NEXT TO THE PATIENT,
AND IF IT LOOKS AT THE PATIENT'S

WE PUT IT NEXT TO THE PATIENT,
AND IF IT LOOKS AT THE PATIENT'S
FACE, THEN SHE WILL DIE.

AND IF IT LOOKS AT THE PATIENT'S
FACE, THEN SHE WILL DIE.
IF IT SHOULD LOOK AT HER FEET,

FACE, THEN SHE WILL DIE.
IF IT SHOULD LOOK AT HER FEET,
THEN THE PATIENT WILL LIVE.

IF IT SHOULD LOOK AT HER FEET,
THEN THE PATIENT WILL LIVE.
SO, A LITTLE TEST.

THEN THE PATIENT WILL LIVE.
SO, A LITTLE TEST.
HEY!

SO, A LITTLE TEST.
HEY!
CAN YOU INTERPRET THESE SIGNS?

HEY!
CAN YOU INTERPRET THESE SIGNS?
NO.

CAN YOU INTERPRET THESE SIGNS?
NO.
SEEMS TO BE LOOKING UP AND

NO.
SEEMS TO BE LOOKING UP AND
DOWN THERE.

SEEMS TO BE LOOKING UP AND
DOWN THERE.
WELL, OKAY, JUST TAKE...

DOWN THERE.
WELL, OKAY, JUST TAKE...
OH!

WELL, OKAY, JUST TAKE...
OH!
WELL, I'M NOT SURE HOW TO READ

OH!
WELL, I'M NOT SURE HOW TO READ
THAT.

WELL, I'M NOT SURE HOW TO READ
THAT.
JUST TAKE TWO PINTS FROM HER.

THAT.
JUST TAKE TWO PINTS FROM HER.
TAKE TWO PINTS FROM THAT BIRD,

JUST TAKE TWO PINTS FROM HER.
TAKE TWO PINTS FROM THAT BIRD,
TOO.

TAKE TWO PINTS FROM THAT BIRD,
TOO.
SHE'S DEAD.

TOO.
SHE'S DEAD.
DEAD?!

SHE'S DEAD.
DEAD?!
[Sobbing] I CAN'T BELIEVE MY

DEAD?!
[Sobbing] I CAN'T BELIEVE MY
LITTLE GIRL IS DEAD!

[Sobbing] I CAN'T BELIEVE MY
LITTLE GIRL IS DEAD!
NOW, MRS. MILLER, YOU'RE

LITTLE GIRL IS DEAD!
NOW, MRS. MILLER, YOU'RE
DISTRAUGHT.

NOW, MRS. MILLER, YOU'RE
DISTRAUGHT.
YOU'RE TIRED.

DISTRAUGHT.
YOU'RE TIRED.
YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM

YOU'RE TIRED.
YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM
NERVOUS EXHAUSTION.

YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM
NERVOUS EXHAUSTION.
MAYBE WE'LL JUST TAKE SOME OF

NERVOUS EXHAUSTION.
MAYBE WE'LL JUST TAKE SOME OF
YOUR BLOOD, TOO.

MAYBE WE'LL JUST TAKE SOME OF
YOUR BLOOD, TOO.
YOU CHARLATAN!

YOUR BLOOD, TOO.
YOU CHARLATAN!
YOU KILLED MY CHILDREN, JUST

YOU CHARLATAN!
YOU KILLED MY CHILDREN, JUST
LIKE YOU KILLED THE REST OF MY

YOU KILLED MY CHILDREN, JUST
LIKE YOU KILLED THE REST OF MY
FAMILY!

LIKE YOU KILLED THE REST OF MY
FAMILY!
WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT?!

FAMILY!
WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT?!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT?!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
DOING!

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
DOING!
WAIT A MINUTE.

DOING!
WAIT A MINUTE.
PERHAPS SHE'S RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE.
PERHAPS SHE'S RIGHT.
PERHAPS I'VE BEEN WRONG TO

PERHAPS SHE'S RIGHT.
PERHAPS I'VE BEEN WRONG TO
BLINDLY FOLLOW THE MEDICAL

PERHAPS I'VE BEEN WRONG TO
BLINDLY FOLLOW THE MEDICAL
TRADITIONS AND SUPERSTITIONS OF

BLINDLY FOLLOW THE MEDICAL
TRADITIONS AND SUPERSTITIONS OF
THE PAST CENTURIES.

TRADITIONS AND SUPERSTITIONS OF
THE PAST CENTURIES.
MAYBE WE BARBERS SHOULD TEST

THE PAST CENTURIES.
MAYBE WE BARBERS SHOULD TEST
THOSE ASSUMPTIONS ANALYTICALLY,

MAYBE WE BARBERS SHOULD TEST
THOSE ASSUMPTIONS ANALYTICALLY,
THROUGH EXPERIMENTATION AND THE

THOSE ASSUMPTIONS ANALYTICALLY,
THROUGH EXPERIMENTATION AND THE
SCIENTIFIC METHOD.

THROUGH EXPERIMENTATION AND THE
SCIENTIFIC METHOD.
PERHAPS THIS SCIENTIFIC METHOD

SCIENTIFIC METHOD.
PERHAPS THIS SCIENTIFIC METHOD
COULD BE EXTENDED TO OTHER

PERHAPS THIS SCIENTIFIC METHOD
COULD BE EXTENDED TO OTHER
FIELDS OF LEARNING... THE

COULD BE EXTENDED TO OTHER
FIELDS OF LEARNING... THE
NATURAL SCIENCES, ART,

FIELDS OF LEARNING... THE
NATURAL SCIENCES, ART,
ARCHITECTURE, NAVIGATION.

NATURAL SCIENCES, ART,
ARCHITECTURE, NAVIGATION.
PERHAPS I COULD LEAD THE WAY TO

ARCHITECTURE, NAVIGATION.
PERHAPS I COULD LEAD THE WAY TO
A NEW AGE, AN AGE OF REBIRTH, A

PERHAPS I COULD LEAD THE WAY TO
A NEW AGE, AN AGE OF REBIRTH, A
RENAISSANCE!

A NEW AGE, AN AGE OF REBIRTH, A
RENAISSANCE!
NAH...

RENAISSANCE!
NAH...
JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER

NAH...
JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...

JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...
WHERE YOU'LL HEAR THEODORIC

EPISODE OF...
WHERE YOU'LL HEAR THEODORIC
SAY...

WHERE YOU'LL HEAR THEODORIC
SAY...
WELL, I THINK A LITTLE MORE

SAY...
WELL, I THINK A LITTLE MORE
BLOODLETTING AND SOME BOAR'S

WELL, I THINK A LITTLE MORE
BLOODLETTING AND SOME BOAR'S
VOMIT, AND HE'LL BE JUST FINE.

BLOODLETTING AND SOME BOAR'S
VOMIT, AND HE'LL BE JUST FINE.
[GROANS]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES]

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES]

[DISCO MUSIC RESUMES]

PAT NIXON HAS A GALLSTONE
REMOVED.
THIS AND MORE ON

REMOVED.
THIS AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP

THIS AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP
NEXT.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP
NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND

NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO

UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY CRUELEX, THE FIRST MEN'S

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY CRUELEX, THE FIRST MEN'S
GROOMING AID THAT PROMOTES JOCK

YOU BY CRUELEX, THE FIRST MEN'S
GROOMING AID THAT PROMOTES JOCK
ITCH.

GROOMING AID THAT PROMOTES JOCK
ITCH.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

ITCH.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M DAVE AYKROYD.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M DAVE AYKROYD.
AND I'M JEAN CURTIN.

I'M DAVE AYKROYD.
AND I'M JEAN CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.

AND I'M JEAN CURTIN.
HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW, THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ALDO MORO IS ALIVE.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ALDO MORO IS ALIVE.
THE WELL-BEING OF THE FORMER

ALDO MORO IS ALIVE.
THE WELL-BEING OF THE FORMER
ITALIAN PRESIDENT WAS CONFIRMED

THE WELL-BEING OF THE FORMER
ITALIAN PRESIDENT WAS CONFIRMED
THIS WEEK WHEN HIS ABDUCTORS

ITALIAN PRESIDENT WAS CONFIRMED
THIS WEEK WHEN HIS ABDUCTORS
ISSUED THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF MORO

THIS WEEK WHEN HIS ABDUCTORS
ISSUED THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF MORO
HOLDING WEDNESDAY'S PAPER.

ISSUED THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF MORO
HOLDING WEDNESDAY'S PAPER.
AND IN A RELATED STORY,

HOLDING WEDNESDAY'S PAPER.
AND IN A RELATED STORY,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS RECEIVED

AND IN A RELATED STORY,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS RECEIVED
PROOF OF THE WELL-BEING OF

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS RECEIVED
PROOF OF THE WELL-BEING OF
ANOTHER PERSON FEARED DEAD...

PROOF OF THE WELL-BEING OF
ANOTHER PERSON FEARED DEAD...
THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF FORMER

ANOTHER PERSON FEARED DEAD...
THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF FORMER
TEAMSTER BOSS JIMMY HOFFA SHOWN

THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF FORMER
TEAMSTER BOSS JIMMY HOFFA SHOWN
HOLDING TODAY'S DAILY NEWS.

TEAMSTER BOSS JIMMY HOFFA SHOWN
HOLDING TODAY'S DAILY NEWS.
QUESTIONED AS TO HIS WHEREABOUTS

HOLDING TODAY'S DAILY NEWS.
QUESTIONED AS TO HIS WHEREABOUTS
ALL THIS TIME, HOFFA EXPLAINED

QUESTIONED AS TO HIS WHEREABOUTS
ALL THIS TIME, HOFFA EXPLAINED
THAT HE'S BEEN A REGULAR ON THE

ALL THIS TIME, HOFFA EXPLAINED
THAT HE'S BEEN A REGULAR ON THE
"LOU GRANT" TV SERIES AND

THAT HE'S BEEN A REGULAR ON THE
"LOU GRANT" TV SERIES AND
ATTRIBUTES HIS SO-CALLED

"LOU GRANT" TV SERIES AND
ATTRIBUTES HIS SO-CALLED
DISAPPEARANCE TO POOR RATINGS.

ATTRIBUTES HIS SO-CALLED
DISAPPEARANCE TO POOR RATINGS.
IN FLORENCE, ITALY, THIEVES

DISAPPEARANCE TO POOR RATINGS.
IN FLORENCE, ITALY, THIEVES
BROKE INTO THE WORLD-FAMOUS

IN FLORENCE, ITALY, THIEVES
BROKE INTO THE WORLD-FAMOUS
PITTI PALACE MUSEUM AND STOLE

BROKE INTO THE WORLD-FAMOUS
PITTI PALACE MUSEUM AND STOLE
RUBENS' MASTERPIECE

PITTI PALACE MUSEUM AND STOLE
RUBENS' MASTERPIECE
"THE THREE GRACES."

RUBENS' MASTERPIECE
"THE THREE GRACES."
ACCORDING TO THE NIGHT WATCHMAN,

"THE THREE GRACES."
ACCORDING TO THE NIGHT WATCHMAN,
THE THIEF WAS "A MEDIUM-SIZED

ACCORDING TO THE NIGHT WATCHMAN,
THE THIEF WAS "A MEDIUM-SIZED
MAN WEARING A LONG COAT, A HAT,

THE THIEF WAS "A MEDIUM-SIZED
MAN WEARING A LONG COAT, A HAT,
AND AN UNUSUAL GREEN DISGUISE ON

MAN WEARING A LONG COAT, A HAT,
AND AN UNUSUAL GREEN DISGUISE ON
HIS FACE."

AND AN UNUSUAL GREEN DISGUISE ON
HIS FACE."
BASED ON THIS DESCRIPTION,

HIS FACE."
BASED ON THIS DESCRIPTION,
ITALIAN POLICE HAVE RENDERED A

BASED ON THIS DESCRIPTION,
ITALIAN POLICE HAVE RENDERED A
COMPOSITE DRAWING OF THE

ITALIAN POLICE HAVE RENDERED A
COMPOSITE DRAWING OF THE
PERPETRATOR AND HAVE ISSUED A

COMPOSITE DRAWING OF THE
PERPETRATOR AND HAVE ISSUED A
WARRANT FOR HIS ARREST.

PERPETRATOR AND HAVE ISSUED A
WARRANT FOR HIS ARREST.
THE SUBJECT IS CONSIDERED

WARRANT FOR HIS ARREST.
THE SUBJECT IS CONSIDERED
McINTOSH AND OUT OF SEASON.

THE SUBJECT IS CONSIDERED
McINTOSH AND OUT OF SEASON.
HOUSE AND SENATE CONFEREES

MclNTOSH AND OUT OF SEASON.
HOUSE AND SENATE CONFEREES
FINALLY REACHED AGREEMENT

HOUSE AND SENATE CONFEREES
FINALLY REACHED AGREEMENT
YESTERDAY ON NATURAL-GAS PRICING

FINALLY REACHED AGREEMENT
YESTERDAY ON NATURAL-GAS PRICING
A YEAR AND A DAY AFTER

YESTERDAY ON NATURAL-GAS PRICING
A YEAR AND A DAY AFTER
PRESIDENT CARTER UNVEILED HIS

A YEAR AND A DAY AFTER
PRESIDENT CARTER UNVEILED HIS
ENERGY PROGRAM.

PRESIDENT CARTER UNVEILED HIS
ENERGY PROGRAM.
ENERGY SECRETARY

ENERGY PROGRAM.
ENERGY SECRETARY
JAMES SCHLESINGER IS ENCOURAGED

ENERGY SECRETARY
JAMES SCHLESINGER IS ENCOURAGED
AND SAYS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT

JAMES SCHLESINGER IS ENCOURAGED
AND SAYS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT
HIM THROUGH THE LAST 12 MONTHS

AND SAYS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT
HIM THROUGH THE LAST 12 MONTHS
WAS WATCHING THE PHENOMENAL

HIM THROUGH THE LAST 12 MONTHS
WAS WATCHING THE PHENOMENAL
SUCCESS OF HIS ILLEGITIMATE SON

WAS WATCHING THE PHENOMENAL
SUCCESS OF HIS ILLEGITIMATE SON
COMEDIAN STEVE MARTIN.

SUCCESS OF HIS ILLEGITIMATE SON
COMEDIAN STEVE MARTIN.
BELIEVED TO HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR

COMEDIAN STEVE MARTIN.
BELIEVED TO HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR
THE PAST FIVE YEARS,

BELIEVED TO HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR
THE PAST FIVE YEARS,
LYNDON JOHNSON THIS WEEK PAID A

THE PAST FIVE YEARS,
LYNDON JOHNSON THIS WEEK PAID A
SURPRISE VISIT TO JIMMY CARTER

LYNDON JOHNSON THIS WEEK PAID A
SURPRISE VISIT TO JIMMY CARTER
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

SURPRISE VISIT TO JIMMY CARTER
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
AGING AND WHITE-HAIRED, BUT

AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
AGING AND WHITE-HAIRED, BUT
LOOKING REMARKABLY FIT, THE

AGING AND WHITE-HAIRED, BUT
LOOKING REMARKABLY FIT, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT SAID HIS DEATH

LOOKING REMARKABLY FIT, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT SAID HIS DEATH
IN 1973 WAS JUST A HOAX.

FORMER PRESIDENT SAID HIS DEATH
IN 1973 WAS JUST A HOAX.
HE THEN FLEW OFF TO MISSOURI TO

IN 1973 WAS JUST A HOAX.
HE THEN FLEW OFF TO MISSOURI TO
VISIT HARRY TRUMAN.

HE THEN FLEW OFF TO MISSOURI TO
VISIT HARRY TRUMAN.
AUTHORITIES HAVE ISSUED A

VISIT HARRY TRUMAN.
AUTHORITIES HAVE ISSUED A
MARIJUANA ALERT BECAUSE, IN

AUTHORITIES HAVE ISSUED A
MARIJUANA ALERT BECAUSE, IN
FACT, MUCH OF IT HAS BEEN

MARIJUANA ALERT BECAUSE, IN
FACT, MUCH OF IT HAS BEEN
SPRAYED UNDER ORDERS FROM THE

FACT, MUCH OF IT HAS BEEN
SPRAYED UNDER ORDERS FROM THE
U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT WITH

SPRAYED UNDER ORDERS FROM THE
U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT WITH
DEADLY HERBICIDE PARAQUAT.

U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT WITH
DEADLY HERBICIDE PARAQUAT.
AN EASY TEST IS NOW AVAILABLE TO

DEADLY HERBICIDE PARAQUAT.
AN EASY TEST IS NOW AVAILABLE TO
FIND OUT WHETHER OR NOT

AN EASY TEST IS NOW AVAILABLE TO
FIND OUT WHETHER OR NOT
MARIJUANA DOES CONTAIN PARAQUAT,

FIND OUT WHETHER OR NOT
MARIJUANA DOES CONTAIN PARAQUAT,
AND AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, WE SENT

MARIJUANA DOES CONTAIN PARAQUAT,
AND AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, WE SENT
CORRESPONDENT GARRETT MORRIS

AND AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, WE SENT
CORRESPONDENT GARRETT MORRIS
UPTOWN TO SEE IF, UH, WE COULD

CORRESPONDENT GARRETT MORRIS
UPTOWN TO SEE IF, UH, WE COULD
GET SOME... SOME DOPE, SO WE CAN

UPTOWN TO SEE IF, UH, WE COULD
GET SOME... SOME DOPE, SO WE CAN
SHOW YOU HOW TO TEST IT.

GET SOME... SOME DOPE, SO WE CAN
SHOW YOU HOW TO TEST IT.
UH, DO YOU HAVE THE STUFF?

SHOW YOU HOW TO TEST IT.
UH, DO YOU HAVE THE STUFF?
UH, YEAH.

UH, DO YOU HAVE THE STUFF?
UH, YEAH.
OKAY, MAN, HERE'S SOME BREAD.

NOW, PLEASE, IN NO WAY DOES THIS
MEAN THAT WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE"
ADVOCATE THE SMOKING OF

MEAN THAT WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE"
ADVOCATE THE SMOKING OF
MARIJUANA.

ADVOCATE THE SMOKING OF
MARIJUANA.
IT'S JUST THAT A SURVEY SHOWS

MARIJUANA.
IT'S JUST THAT A SURVEY SHOWS
THAT 97% OF OUR VIEWERS SMOKE IT

IT'S JUST THAT A SURVEY SHOWS
THAT 97% OF OUR VIEWERS SMOKE IT
DAILY.

THAT 97% OF OUR VIEWERS SMOKE IT
DAILY.
SO IT'S FOR THAT MINORITY THAT

DAILY.
SO IT'S FOR THAT MINORITY THAT
WE'RE DOING THIS TEST.

SO IT'S FOR THAT MINORITY THAT
WE'RE DOING THIS TEST.
THIS, UH... THIS LOOKS LIGHT.

WE'RE DOING THIS TEST.
THIS, UH... THIS LOOKS LIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT TEST

THIS, UH... THIS LOOKS LIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT TEST
IN A MINUTE.

WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT TEST
IN A MINUTE.
IT'S REALLY LIGHT, MAN.

IN A MINUTE.
IT'S REALLY LIGHT, MAN.
NO, MAN, IT'S COOL.

IT'S REALLY LIGHT, MAN.
NO, MAN, IT'S COOL.
IT'S LIGHT. IT'S LIGHT.

NO, MAN, IT'S COOL.
IT'S LIGHT. IT'S LIGHT.
GIVE ME THE REST OF THE LID.

IT'S LIGHT. IT'S LIGHT.
GIVE ME THE REST OF THE LID.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

GIVE ME THE REST OF THE LID.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
IT'S CLEAN, MAN... NO SEEDS, NO

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
IT'S CLEAN, MAN... NO SEEDS, NO
STEMS.

IT'S CLEAN, MAN... NO SEEDS, NO
STEMS.
THAT'S ALL.

STEMS.
THAT'S ALL.
IT'S LIGHT. IT'S UNDER, MAN.

THAT'S ALL.
IT'S LIGHT. IT'S UNDER, MAN.
IT'S UNDER. IT'S UNDER.

IT'S LIGHT. IT'S UNDER, MAN.
IT'S UNDER. IT'S UNDER.
LOOK, MAN, I CAN'T GO BACK UP

IT'S UNDER. IT'S UNDER.
LOOK, MAN, I CAN'T GO BACK UP
THERE, OKAY?

LOOK, MAN, I CAN'T GO BACK UP
THERE, OKAY?
THOSE GUYS SCARE ME.

THERE, OKAY?
THOSE GUYS SCARE ME.
I'M SORRY, GARRETT.

THOSE GUYS SCARE ME.
I'M SORRY, GARRETT.
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE

I'M SORRY, GARRETT.
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE
SHORTCHANGED US.

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE
SHORTCHANGED US.
EVERYBODY HERE'S GONNA GET MAD.

SHORTCHANGED US.
EVERYBODY HERE'S GONNA GET MAD.
DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK UP

EVERYBODY HERE'S GONNA GET MAD.
DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK UP
THERE.

DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK UP
THERE.
THEY'RE GONNA BEAT ME UP AGAIN,

THERE.
THEY'RE GONNA BEAT ME UP AGAIN,
MAN.

THEY'RE GONNA BEAT ME UP AGAIN,
MAN.
I KNOW IT.

MAN.
I KNOW IT.
WE'LL SHOW YOU THAT TEST

I KNOW IT.
WE'LL SHOW YOU THAT TEST
LATER.

WE'LL SHOW YOU THAT TEST
LATER.
YOU SEE, TO PERFORM IT, YOU NEED

LATER.
YOU SEE, TO PERFORM IT, YOU NEED
A COMPLETE OUNCE, NOT

YOU SEE, TO PERFORM IT, YOU NEED
A COMPLETE OUNCE, NOT
THREE-QUARTERS OR SEVEN-EIGHTHS,

A COMPLETE OUNCE, NOT
THREE-QUARTERS OR SEVEN-EIGHTHS,
BUT A COMPLETE OUNCE.

THREE-QUARTERS OR SEVEN-EIGHTHS,
BUT A COMPLETE OUNCE.
SORRY TO TAKE UP YOUR TIME.

IN NEW DELHI, THE
INDIAN INSTITUTE OF MEDICINE HAS
DEVELOPED THE WORLD'S FIRST

INDIAN INSTITUTE OF MEDICINE HAS
DEVELOPED THE WORLD'S FIRST
NASAL-SPRAY CONTRACEPTIVE.

DEVELOPED THE WORLD'S FIRST
NASAL-SPRAY CONTRACEPTIVE.
ALTHOUGH THEORETICALLY

NASAL-SPRAY CONTRACEPTIVE.
ALTHOUGH THEORETICALLY
EFFECTIVE, DOCTORS WON'T BE ABLE

ALTHOUGH THEORETICALLY
EFFECTIVE, DOCTORS WON'T BE ABLE
TO KNOW CONCLUSIVELY UNTIL THEY

EFFECTIVE, DOCTORS WON'T BE ABLE
TO KNOW CONCLUSIVELY UNTIL THEY
FIND SOMEONE IN INDIA WHO

TO KNOW CONCLUSIVELY UNTIL THEY
FIND SOMEONE IN INDIA WHO
PRACTICES NASAL INTERCOURSE.

FIND SOMEONE IN INDIA WHO
PRACTICES NASAL INTERCOURSE.
THIS WEEK WHILE MILLIONS OF

PRACTICES NASAL INTERCOURSE.
THIS WEEK WHILE MILLIONS OF
AMERICANS WATCHED "HOLOCAUST" ON

THIS WEEK WHILE MILLIONS OF
AMERICANS WATCHED "HOLOCAUST" ON
TV, FRANZ STREICHER, THE NAZI

AMERICANS WATCHED "HOLOCAUST" ON
TV, FRANZ STREICHER, THE NAZI
WAR CRIMINAL WHO WAS RECENTLY

TV, FRANZ STREICHER, THE NAZI
WAR CRIMINAL WHO WAS RECENTLY
FOUND HIDING IN PARAGUAY,

WAR CRIMINAL WHO WAS RECENTLY
FOUND HIDING IN PARAGUAY,
ANNOUNCED HIS PLANS TO FIGHT

FOUND HIDING IN PARAGUAY,
ANNOUNCED HIS PLANS TO FIGHT
EXTRADITION TO GERMANY WITH AN

ANNOUNCED HIS PLANS TO FIGHT
EXTRADITION TO GERMANY WITH AN
UNPRECEDENTED DEFENSE.

EXTRADITION TO GERMANY WITH AN
UNPRECEDENTED DEFENSE.
SAID THE 80-YEAR-OLD FORMER S.S.

UNPRECEDENTED DEFENSE.
SAID THE 80-YEAR-OLD FORMER S.S.
LEADER, "I DIDN'T PERSONALLY

SAID THE 80-YEAR-OLD FORMER S.S.
LEADER, "I DIDN'T PERSONALLY
KILL ANYONE.

LEADER, "I DIDN'T PERSONALLY
KILL ANYONE.
I WAS ONLY GIVING ORDERS."

KILL ANYONE.
I WAS ONLY GIVING ORDERS."
TONIGHT ON

I WAS ONLY GIVING ORDERS."
TONIGHT ON
"POINT/COUNTERPOINT," JANE AND I

TONIGHT ON
"POINT/COUNTERPOINT," JANE AND I
WILL ARGUE FEDERAL AID FOR

"POINT/COUNTERPOINT," JANE AND I
WILL ARGUE FEDERAL AID FOR
ABORTIONS.

WILL ARGUE FEDERAL AID FOR
ABORTIONS.
JANE WILL TAKE THE POINT FOR

ABORTIONS.
JANE WILL TAKE THE POINT FOR
FEDERAL AID, AND I WILL TAKE THE

JANE WILL TAKE THE POINT FOR
FEDERAL AID, AND I WILL TAKE THE
COUNTERPOINT AGAINST.

FEDERAL AID, AND I WILL TAKE THE
COUNTERPOINT AGAINST.
JANE?

COUNTERPOINT AGAINST.
JANE?
SAFE ABORTIONS HAVE ALWAYS

JANE?
SAFE ABORTIONS HAVE ALWAYS
BEEN AVAILABLE TO THE RICH, DAN.

SAFE ABORTIONS HAVE ALWAYS
BEEN AVAILABLE TO THE RICH, DAN.
YOU SIMPLY WANT TO DENY THEM TO

BEEN AVAILABLE TO THE RICH, DAN.
YOU SIMPLY WANT TO DENY THEM TO
THE POOR, AND IF YOU SUCCEED,

YOU SIMPLY WANT TO DENY THEM TO
THE POOR, AND IF YOU SUCCEED,
POOR WOMEN WILL BE FORCED TO GET

THE POOR, AND IF YOU SUCCEED,
POOR WOMEN WILL BE FORCED TO GET
THEM, ANYWAY.

POOR WOMEN WILL BE FORCED TO GET
THEM, ANYWAY.
THEY'LL BE FORCED BACK INTO THE

THEM, ANYWAY.
THEY'LL BE FORCED BACK INTO THE
ALLEYS WITH HANGERS, PLUNGERS,

THEY'LL BE FORCED BACK INTO THE
ALLEYS WITH HANGERS, PLUNGERS,
AND VACUUM CLEANERS, RISKING

ALLEYS WITH HANGERS, PLUNGERS,
AND VACUUM CLEANERS, RISKING
DEATH OR MUTILATION.

AND VACUUM CLEANERS, RISKING
DEATH OR MUTILATION.
BUT YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T

DEATH OR MUTILATION.
BUT YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T
YOU, DAN?

BUT YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T
YOU, DAN?
YOU SADISTIC, ELITIST, SEXIST,

YOU, DAN?
YOU SADISTIC, ELITIST, SEXIST,
RACIST, ANTIHUMANIST PIG.

YOU SADISTIC, ELITIST, SEXIST,
RACIST, ANTIHUMANIST PIG.
JANE, YOU IGNORANT, MISGUIDED

RACIST, ANTIHUMANIST PIG.
JANE, YOU IGNORANT, MISGUIDED
SLUT.

JANE, YOU IGNORANT, MISGUIDED
SLUT.
ONCE AGAIN, YOU MISS THE POINT

SLUT.
ONCE AGAIN, YOU MISS THE POINT
ENTIRELY.

ONCE AGAIN, YOU MISS THE POINT
ENTIRELY.
WHY SHOULD I PAY HARD-EARNED TAX

ENTIRELY.
WHY SHOULD I PAY HARD-EARNED TAX
DOLLARS SO WELFARE TARTS CAN

WHY SHOULD I PAY HARD-EARNED TAX
DOLLARS SO WELFARE TARTS CAN
HAVE SEX ANYTIME THEY WANT

DOLLARS SO WELFARE TARTS CAN
HAVE SEX ANYTIME THEY WANT
WITHOUT REGARD TO CONSEQUENCES?

HAVE SEX ANYTIME THEY WANT
WITHOUT REGARD TO CONSEQUENCES?
HAVEN'T THESE BIMBOS HEARD OF

WITHOUT REGARD TO CONSEQUENCES?
HAVEN'T THESE BIMBOS HEARD OF
ABSTINENCE?

HAVEN'T THESE BIMBOS HEARD OF
ABSTINENCE?
I MYSELF HAVEN'T HAD SEX FOR TWO

ABSTINENCE?
I MYSELF HAVEN'T HAD SEX FOR TWO
YEARS, AND I'M RICH.

I MYSELF HAVEN'T HAD SEX FOR TWO
YEARS, AND I'M RICH.
WHY SHOULD I FOOT THE BILL FOR

YEARS, AND I'M RICH.
WHY SHOULD I FOOT THE BILL FOR
KILLING UNBORN INFANTS, ANYWAY?

WHY SHOULD I FOOT THE BILL FOR
KILLING UNBORN INFANTS, ANYWAY?
I'LL PAY FOR SOMETHING

KILLING UNBORN INFANTS, ANYWAY?
I'LL PAY FOR SOMETHING
PRACTICAL, LIKE STERILIZATION,

I'LL PAY FOR SOMETHING
PRACTICAL, LIKE STERILIZATION,
BUT ABORTIONS, NEVER.

PRACTICAL, LIKE STERILIZATION,
BUT ABORTIONS, NEVER.
WITH ONE EXCEPTION... IF I'D

BUT ABORTIONS, NEVER.
WITH ONE EXCEPTION... IF I'D
BEEN AROUND WHEN YOUR MOTHER WAS

WITH ONE EXCEPTION... IF I'D
BEEN AROUND WHEN YOUR MOTHER WAS
CARRYING YOU, NOT ONLY WOULD I

BEEN AROUND WHEN YOUR MOTHER WAS
CARRYING YOU, NOT ONLY WOULD I
HAVE PAID FOR THE ABORTION, BUT

CARRYING YOU, NOT ONLY WOULD I
HAVE PAID FOR THE ABORTION, BUT
I WOULD HAVE PERFORMED IT

HAVE PAID FOR THE ABORTION, BUT
I WOULD HAVE PERFORMED IT
MYSELF.

I WOULD HAVE PERFORMED IT
MYSELF.
THANK YOU.

MYSELF.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, DAN.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, DAN.
UH, RECENT BULLETIN THAT'S

THANK YOU, DAN.
UH, RECENT BULLETIN THAT'S
JUST IN... GARRETT MORRIS IS

UH, RECENT BULLETIN THAT'S
JUST IN... GARRETT MORRIS IS
DEAD.

JUST IN... GARRETT MORRIS IS
DEAD.
IN WHAT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A

DEAD.
IN WHAT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A
DRUG-RELATED INCIDENT, EIGHT

IN WHAT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A
DRUG-RELATED INCIDENT, EIGHT
YOUTHS FATALLY SHOT THE LATE

DRUG-RELATED INCIDENT, EIGHT
YOUTHS FATALLY SHOT THE LATE
"UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT AT A

YOUTHS FATALLY SHOT THE LATE
"UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT AT A
MIDTOWN PLAYGROUND.

"UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT AT A
MIDTOWN PLAYGROUND.
ANOTHER PARAQUAT-RELATED DEATH,

MIDTOWN PLAYGROUND.
ANOTHER PARAQUAT-RELATED DEATH,
JANE.

ANOTHER PARAQUAT-RELATED DEATH,
JANE.
HOPING YOUR NEWS IS GOOD

JANE.
HOPING YOUR NEWS IS GOOD
NEWS.

HOPING YOUR NEWS IS GOOD
NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A

TOMORROW.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A
PRESENTATION OF

"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A
PRESENTATION OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS,"

PRESENTATION OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS,"
KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR

"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS,"
KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR
OVER A FIFTIETH OF A CENTURY.

I'D LIKE TO TALK SERIOUSLY
JUST FOR A MOMENT.
ONE OF THE GREAT ART EXHIBITS

JUST FOR A MOMENT.
ONE OF THE GREAT ART EXHIBITS
EVER TO TOUR THE UNITED STATES

ONE OF THE GREAT ART EXHIBITS
EVER TO TOUR THE UNITED STATES
IS THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMEN,

EVER TO TOUR THE UNITED STATES
IS THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMEN,
OR KING TUT.

IS THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMEN,
OR KING TUT.
BUT I THINK IT'S A NATIONAL

OR KING TUT.
BUT I THINK IT'S A NATIONAL
DISGRACE THE WAY WE HAVE

BUT I THINK IT'S A NATIONAL
DISGRACE THE WAY WE HAVE
COMMERCIALIZED IT WITH TRINKETS

DISGRACE THE WAY WE HAVE
COMMERCIALIZED IT WITH TRINKETS
AND TOYS, T-SHIRTS AND POSTERS.

COMMERCIALIZED IT WITH TRINKETS
AND TOYS, T-SHIRTS AND POSTERS.
AND ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO, I

AND TOYS, T-SHIRTS AND POSTERS.
AND ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO, I
WAS UP IN THE WOODS AND I WROTE

AND ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO, I
WAS UP IN THE WOODS AND I WROTE
A SONG.

WAS UP IN THE WOODS AND I WROTE
A SONG.
I TRIED TO USE THE ANCIENT

A SONG.
I TRIED TO USE THE ANCIENT
MODALITIES AND MELODIES.

I TRIED TO USE THE ANCIENT
MODALITIES AND MELODIES.
I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT FOR YOU

MODALITIES AND MELODIES.
I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW.

I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW.
MAYBE WE CAN ALL LEARN

RIGHT NOW.
MAYBE WE CAN ALL LEARN
SOMETHING FROM THIS.

MAYBE WE CAN ALL LEARN
SOMETHING FROM THIS.
[EGYPTIAN MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ NOW, WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ NOW, WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG
MAN, HE NEVER THOUGHT HE'D SEE ♪

♪ NOW, WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG
MAN, HE NEVER THOUGHT HE'D SEE ♪
♪ PEOPLE STAND IN LINE TO SEE

MAN, HE NEVER THOUGHT HE'D SEE ♪
♪ PEOPLE STAND IN LINE TO SEE
THE BOY KING ♪

♪ PEOPLE STAND IN LINE TO SEE
THE BOY KING ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

THE BOY KING ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ HOW'D YOU GET SO FUNKY? ♪

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ HOW'D YOU GET SO FUNKY? ♪
♪ FUNKY TUT ♪

♪ HOW'D YOU GET SO FUNKY? ♪
♪ FUNKY TUT ♪
♪ DID YOU DO THE MONKEY? ♪

♪ FUNKY TUT ♪
♪ DID YOU DO THE MONKEY? ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪

♪ DID YOU DO THE MONKEY? ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪

♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ NOW, IF I'D KNOWN THEY'D

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ NOW, IF I'D KNOWN THEY'D
LINE UP JUST TO SEE HIM ♪

♪ NOW, IF I'D KNOWN THEY'D
LINE UP JUST TO SEE HIM ♪
♪ I'D HAVE TAKEN ALL MY MONEY

LINE UP JUST TO SEE HIM ♪
♪ I'D HAVE TAKEN ALL MY MONEY
AND BOUGHT ME A MUSEUM ♪

♪ I'D HAVE TAKEN ALL MY MONEY
AND BOUGHT ME A MUSEUM ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

AND BOUGHT ME A MUSEUM ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ BURIED WITH A DONKEY ♪

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ BURIED WITH A DONKEY ♪
♪ FUNKY TUT ♪

♪ BURIED WITH A DONKEY ♪
♪ FUNKY TUT ♪
♪ HE'S MY FAVORITE HONKY ♪

♪ FUNKY TUT ♪
♪ HE'S MY FAVORITE HONKY ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪

♪ HE'S MY FAVORITE HONKY ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪

♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ DANCING BY THE NILE ♪

♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ DANCING BY THE NILE ♪
♪ DISCO TUT, TUT ♪

♪ DANCING BY THE NILE ♪
♪ DISCO TUT, TUT ♪
♪ THE LADIES LOVE HIS STYLE ♪

♪ DISCO TUT, TUT ♪
♪ THE LADIES LOVE HIS STYLE ♪
♪ BOSS TUT, TUT ♪

♪ THE LADIES LOVE HIS STYLE ♪
♪ BOSS TUT, TUT ♪
♪ ROCKIN' FOR A MILE ♪

♪ BOSS TUT, TUT ♪
♪ ROCKIN' FOR A MILE ♪
♪ ROCKIN' TUT, TUT ♪

♪ ROCKIN' FOR A MILE ♪
♪ ROCKIN' TUT, TUT ♪
♪ HE ATE A CROCODILE ♪

♪ ROCKIN' TUT, TUT ♪
♪ HE ATE A CROCODILE ♪
♪ OOH ♪

♪ HE ATE A CROCODILE ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR

♪ OOH ♪
♪ HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR
TOURISM ♪

♪ HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR
TOURISM ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪

TOURISM ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪

♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪

♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ GOLDEN IDOLS ♪

♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ GOLDEN IDOLS ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪

♪ GOLDEN IDOLS ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ HE'S AN EGYPTIAN ♪

♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ HE'S AN EGYPTIAN ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪

♪ HE'S AN EGYPTIAN ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪

♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ OOH... OOH-OOH ♪

♪ TUT, TUT ♪
♪ OOH... OOH-OOH ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

♪ OOH... OOH-OOH ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ NOW, WHEN I DIE, NOW, DON'T

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ NOW, WHEN I DIE, NOW, DON'T
THINK I'M A NUT ♪

♪ NOW, WHEN I DIE, NOW, DON'T
THINK I'M A NUT ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO FANCY FUNERAL,

THINK I'M A NUT ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO FANCY FUNERAL,
JUST ONE LIKE OLD KING TUT ♪

♪ DON'T WANT NO FANCY FUNERAL,
JUST ONE LIKE OLD KING TUT ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

JUST ONE LIKE OLD KING TUT ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ HE COULD HAVE WON A

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ HE COULD HAVE WON A
GRAMMY ♪

♪ HE COULD HAVE WON A
GRAMMY ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

GRAMMY ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ BURIED IN HIS JAMMIES ♪

♪ KING TUT ♪
♪ BURIED IN HIS JAMMIES ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪

♪ BURIED IN HIS JAMMIES ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪

♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪

♪ MOVED TO BABYLONIA ♪
♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ GOT A CONDO MADE OF

♪ BORN IN ARIZONA ♪
♪ GOT A CONDO MADE OF
STONE-A ♪

♪ GOT A CONDO MADE OF
STONE-A ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪

STONE-A ♪
♪ KING TUT ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAROLD, ARE YOU ASLEEP?
WAKE UP, HAROLD.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

WAKE UP, HAROLD.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
CAN'T IT WAIT TILL MORNING?

I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
CAN'T IT WAIT TILL MORNING?
HAROLD, WAKE UP!

CAN'T IT WAIT TILL MORNING?
HAROLD, WAKE UP!
THIS IS IMPORTANT!

HAROLD, WAKE UP!
THIS IS IMPORTANT!
OKAY.

THIS IS IMPORTANT!
OKAY.
WHAT TIME IS IT?

OKAY.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
WHAT IS IT?

WHAT TIME IS IT?
WHAT IS IT?
[GROANS]

WHAT IS IT?
[GROANS]
IT'S ALMOST 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

[GROANS]
IT'S ALMOST 3:00 IN THE MORNING,
BETTY.

IT'S ALMOST 3:00 IN THE MORNING,
BETTY.
HAROLD, ARE YOU LISTENING?

BETTY.
HAROLD, ARE YOU LISTENING?
YES, I'M LISTENING.

HAROLD, ARE YOU LISTENING?
YES, I'M LISTENING.
I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU,

YES, I'M LISTENING.
I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU,
HAROLD.

I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU,
HAROLD.
BETTY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

HAROLD.
BETTY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I'M SAYING THAT I'VE BEEN

BETTY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I'M SAYING THAT I'VE BEEN
WITH ANOTHER MAN, HAROLD.

I'M SAYING THAT I'VE BEEN
WITH ANOTHER MAN, HAROLD.
I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S BEEN DRIVING

WITH ANOTHER MAN, HAROLD.
I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S BEEN DRIVING
ME CRAZY KEEPING IT TO MYSELF.

I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S BEEN DRIVING
ME CRAZY KEEPING IT TO MYSELF.
OH, WOW.

ME CRAZY KEEPING IT TO MYSELF.
OH, WOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, WOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
AFTER 22 YEARS OF MARRIAGE...

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
AFTER 22 YEARS OF MARRIAGE...
WHO IS IT?

AFTER 22 YEARS OF MARRIAGE...
WHO IS IT?
NO, DON'T TELL ME.

WHO IS IT?
NO, DON'T TELL ME.
IF I KNEW, I'D PROBABLY GO OUT

NO, DON'T TELL ME.
IF I KNEW, I'D PROBABLY GO OUT
AND KILL HIM RIGHT NOW.

IF I KNEW, I'D PROBABLY GO OUT
AND KILL HIM RIGHT NOW.
IT'S SOMEBODY YOU KNOW,

AND KILL HIM RIGHT NOW.
IT'S SOMEBODY YOU KNOW,
HAROLD.

IT'S SOMEBODY YOU KNOW,
HAROLD.
NO, DON'T TELL ME!

HAROLD.
NO, DON'T TELL ME!
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU...

NO, DON'T TELL ME!
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU...
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I COULD LIVE

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU...
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I COULD LIVE
WITH MYSELF.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I COULD LIVE
WITH MYSELF.
IT'S MR. LAMPTON.

WITH MYSELF.
IT'S MR. LAMPTON.
MR. LAMPTON?

IT'S MR. LAMPTON.
MR. LAMPTON?
THE DRUGGIST?

MR. LAMPTON?
THE DRUGGIST?
HE'S 72 YEARS OLD.

THE DRUGGIST?
HE'S 72 YEARS OLD.
HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR

HE'S 72 YEARS OLD.
HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR
FATHER.

HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR
FATHER.
I KNOW.

FATHER.
I KNOW.
AND HE'S A LOT LIKE MY FATHER,

I KNOW.
AND HE'S A LOT LIKE MY FATHER,
HAROLD.

AND HE'S A LOT LIKE MY FATHER,
HAROLD.
HE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO AND WHAT

HAROLD.
HE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO AND WHAT
NOT TO DO.

HE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO AND WHAT
NOT TO DO.
HE REWARDS ME WHEN I'M GOOD, AND

NOT TO DO.
HE REWARDS ME WHEN I'M GOOD, AND
HE SPANKS ME WHEN I'M BAD,

HE REWARDS ME WHEN I'M GOOD, AND
HE SPANKS ME WHEN I'M BAD,
HAROLD.

HE SPANKS ME WHEN I'M BAD,
HAROLD.
OLD MR. LAMPTON, HUH?

HAROLD.
OLD MR. LAMPTON, HUH?
WELL...

OLD MR. LAMPTON, HUH?
WELL...
[COUGHING]

WELL...
[COUGHING]
AS LONG AS YOU'RE BEING SO

[COUGHING]
AS LONG AS YOU'RE BEING SO
FRANK...

AS LONG AS YOU'RE BEING SO
FRANK...
I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU I'VE

FRANK...
I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU I'VE
BEEN FOOLING AROUND, TOO, BETTY.

I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU I'VE
BEEN FOOLING AROUND, TOO, BETTY.
YOU?

BEEN FOOLING AROUND, TOO, BETTY.
YOU?
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

YOU?
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.
[LAUGHING]

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.
[LAUGHING]
PEGGY ANN RANDOLPH.

[LAUGHING]
PEGGY ANN RANDOLPH.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

PEGGY ANN RANDOLPH.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WHY'S IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WHY'S IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE?
OH, HAROLD, COME ON.

WHY'S IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE?
OH, HAROLD, COME ON.
SHE'S YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR

OH, HAROLD, COME ON.
SHE'S YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR
DAUGHTER.

SHE'S YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR
DAUGHTER.
I KNOW.

DAUGHTER.
I KNOW.
HOW CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH HER?

I KNOW.
HOW CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH HER?
SHE'D KILL YOU.

HOW CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH HER?
SHE'D KILL YOU.
WELL, WE ALL GOT TO GO

SHE'D KILL YOU.
WELL, WE ALL GOT TO GO
SOMETIME.

WELL, WE ALL GOT TO GO
SOMETIME.
AW, GEE...

SOMETIME.
AW, GEE...
YOU AND OLD MR. LAMPTON.

AW, GEE...
YOU AND OLD MR. LAMPTON.
I JUST CAN'T PICTURE IT.

YOU AND OLD MR. LAMPTON.
I JUST CAN'T PICTURE IT.
WELL, JUST PICTURE THIS,

I JUST CAN'T PICTURE IT.
WELL, JUST PICTURE THIS,
HAROLD... THIS HAPPENS EVERY

WELL, JUST PICTURE THIS,
HAROLD... THIS HAPPENS EVERY
DAY.

HAROLD... THIS HAPPENS EVERY
DAY.
YOU GO OFF TO WORK, AND I'M HOME

DAY.
YOU GO OFF TO WORK, AND I'M HOME
WEARING NOTHING BUT A

YOU GO OFF TO WORK, AND I'M HOME
WEARING NOTHING BUT A
HOUSECOAT... YOU KNOW, THE PINK

WEARING NOTHING BUT A
HOUSECOAT... YOU KNOW, THE PINK
ONE YOU GAVE ME LAST CHRISTMAS?

HOUSECOAT... YOU KNOW, THE PINK
ONE YOU GAVE ME LAST CHRISTMAS?
UNDERNEATH, I'M AS NAKED AS A

ONE YOU GAVE ME LAST CHRISTMAS?
UNDERNEATH, I'M AS NAKED AS A
JAYBIRD.

UNDERNEATH, I'M AS NAKED AS A
JAYBIRD.
YOU ARE?

JAYBIRD.
YOU ARE?
YEAH, SURE AM.

YOU ARE?
YEAH, SURE AM.
I DRIVE OVER TO MR. LAMPTON'S

YEAH, SURE AM.
I DRIVE OVER TO MR. LAMPTON'S
DRUGSTORE.

I DRIVE OVER TO MR. LAMPTON'S
DRUGSTORE.
I PARK IN THE BACK.

DRUGSTORE.
I PARK IN THE BACK.
I GO IN THE BACK DOOR.

I PARK IN THE BACK.
I GO IN THE BACK DOOR.
OLD MAN LAMPTON IS WAITING FOR

I GO IN THE BACK DOOR.
OLD MAN LAMPTON IS WAITING FOR
ME.

OLD MAN LAMPTON IS WAITING FOR
ME.
HE'S WEARING HIS WHITE LAB COAT,

ME.
HE'S WEARING HIS WHITE LAB COAT,
ALSO WITH NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH.

HE'S WEARING HIS WHITE LAB COAT,
ALSO WITH NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH.
REALLY?

ALSO WITH NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH.
REALLY?
YEAH, LIKE A WRINKLED

REALLY?
YEAH, LIKE A WRINKLED
JAYBIRD.

YEAH, LIKE A WRINKLED
JAYBIRD.
HAROLD, WE BOTH COUNT TO 10, WE

JAYBIRD.
HAROLD, WE BOTH COUNT TO 10, WE
TEAR OFF OUR COATS, AND RIGHT

HAROLD, WE BOTH COUNT TO 10, WE
TEAR OFF OUR COATS, AND RIGHT
THERE ON THE FLOOR OF THE

TEAR OFF OUR COATS, AND RIGHT
THERE ON THE FLOOR OF THE
PHARMACY, HE FILLS MY

THERE ON THE FLOOR OF THE
PHARMACY, HE FILLS MY
PRESCRIPTION.

PHARMACY, HE FILLS MY
PRESCRIPTION.
YEAH, I CAN PICTURE THAT.

PRESCRIPTION.
YEAH, I CAN PICTURE THAT.
GOOD, BECAUSE I CAN'T PICTURE

YEAH, I CAN PICTURE THAT.
GOOD, BECAUSE I CAN'T PICTURE
YOU AND PEGGY ANN.

GOOD, BECAUSE I CAN'T PICTURE
YOU AND PEGGY ANN.
WELL, THEN, LET ME TELL YOU.

YOU AND PEGGY ANN.
WELL, THEN, LET ME TELL YOU.
EVERY AFTERNOON WHEN SHE'S

WELL, THEN, LET ME TELL YOU.
EVERY AFTERNOON WHEN SHE'S
FINISHED WITH CHEERLEADING

EVERY AFTERNOON WHEN SHE'S
FINISHED WITH CHEERLEADING
PRACTICE, I PICK UP PEGGY ANN

FINISHED WITH CHEERLEADING
PRACTICE, I PICK UP PEGGY ANN
ACROSS FROM THE SCHOOL YARD.

PRACTICE, I PICK UP PEGGY ANN
ACROSS FROM THE SCHOOL YARD.
AND SINCE I DON'T WANT TO BE

ACROSS FROM THE SCHOOL YARD.
AND SINCE I DON'T WANT TO BE
RECOGNIZED, I DISGUISE MYSELF BY

AND SINCE I DON'T WANT TO BE
RECOGNIZED, I DISGUISE MYSELF BY
WEARING A CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.

RECOGNIZED, I DISGUISE MYSELF BY
WEARING A CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.
PEGGY ANN APPROACHES THE CAR AND

WEARING A CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.
PEGGY ANN APPROACHES THE CAR AND
SAYS, "DOES LITTLE HAROLD WANT

PEGGY ANN APPROACHES THE CAR AND
SAYS, "DOES LITTLE HAROLD WANT
TO EARN A MERIT BADGE?"

SAYS, "DOES LITTLE HAROLD WANT
TO EARN A MERIT BADGE?"
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

TO EARN A MERIT BADGE?"
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WELL, YOU BETTER BELIEVE

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WELL, YOU BETTER BELIEVE
IT.

WELL, YOU BETTER BELIEVE
IT.
AND I SAY, "SURE, I'D LIKE A

IT.
AND I SAY, "SURE, I'D LIKE A
BADGE."

AND I SAY, "SURE, I'D LIKE A
BADGE."
AND THEN WE DRIVE INTO THE

BADGE."
AND THEN WE DRIVE INTO THE
WOODS.

AND THEN WE DRIVE INTO THE
WOODS.
I BUILD A FIRE.

WOODS.
I BUILD A FIRE.
SHE FISHES FOR MINNOWS.

I BUILD A FIRE.
SHE FISHES FOR MINNOWS.
AND THEN WE DO IT IN A PUP TENT.

SHE FISHES FOR MINNOWS.
AND THEN WE DO IT IN A PUP TENT.
[LAUGHING]

AND THEN WE DO IT IN A PUP TENT.
[LAUGHING]
WHAT AN IMAGINATION... PUP TENT.

[LAUGHING]
WHAT AN IMAGINATION... PUP TENT.
THAT'S GREAT.

WHAT AN IMAGINATION... PUP TENT.
THAT'S GREAT.
I'M READY. HOW ABOUT YOU?

THAT'S GREAT.
I'M READY. HOW ABOUT YOU?
NOT QUITE.

I'M READY. HOW ABOUT YOU?
NOT QUITE.
TELL ME ABOUT THE BACK OF THE

NOT QUITE.
TELL ME ABOUT THE BACK OF THE
DRUGSTORE AGAIN.

TELL ME ABOUT THE BACK OF THE
DRUGSTORE AGAIN.
NOW, YOU ONLY HAD YOUR HOUSECOAT

DRUGSTORE AGAIN.
NOW, YOU ONLY HAD YOUR HOUSECOAT
ON, RIGHT?

NOW, YOU ONLY HAD YOUR HOUSECOAT
ON, RIGHT?
YEAH, MY PINK HOUSECOAT.

ON, RIGHT?
YEAH, MY PINK HOUSECOAT.
YEAH, RIGHT.

YEAH, MY PINK HOUSECOAT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I DRIVE TO THE BACK.

YEAH, RIGHT.
I DRIVE TO THE BACK.
HE'S GOT HIS LAB COAT ON.

I DRIVE TO THE BACK.
HE'S GOT HIS LAB COAT ON.
RIGHT.

HE'S GOT HIS LAB COAT ON.
RIGHT.
AND WE RIP OFF OUR COATS.

RIGHT.
AND WE RIP OFF OUR COATS.
RIGHT.

AND WE RIP OFF OUR COATS.
RIGHT.
OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

RIGHT.
OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
WE'RE BOTH WEARING RUBBER

OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
WE'RE BOTH WEARING RUBBER
GLOVES!

WE'RE BOTH WEARING RUBBER
GLOVES!
OH! WOW, THAT DID IT.

GLOVES!
OH! WOW, THAT DID IT.
THAT'S IT. I'M READY.

OH! WOW, THAT DID IT.
THAT'S IT. I'M READY.
GREAT STORY, HAROLD.

THAT'S IT. I'M READY.
GREAT STORY, HAROLD.
GREAT STORY.

GREAT STORY, HAROLD.
GREAT STORY.
AW, YOURS WAS GREAT.

GREAT STORY.
AW, YOURS WAS GREAT.
I LOVE THE RUBBER GLOVES.

AW, YOURS WAS GREAT.
I LOVE THE RUBBER GLOVES.
YEAH.

I LOVE THE RUBBER GLOVES.
YEAH.
LISTEN... ARE WE GONNA... ARE

YEAH.
LISTEN... ARE WE GONNA... ARE
WE GONNA DO IT TOMORROW NIGHT?

LISTEN... ARE WE GONNA... ARE
WE GONNA DO IT TOMORROW NIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW.

WE GONNA DO IT TOMORROW NIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU WANNA LOOK AT THE NUDE

I DON'T KNOW.
YOU WANNA LOOK AT THE NUDE
PICTURES OF YOUR PARENTS AGAIN?

YOU WANNA LOOK AT THE NUDE
PICTURES OF YOUR PARENTS AGAIN?
SURE, SURE.

PICTURES OF YOUR PARENTS AGAIN?
SURE, SURE.
COME ON.

SURE, SURE.
COME ON.
RUBBER GLOVES!

COME ON.
RUBBER GLOVES!
PUP TENT!

RUBBER GLOVES!
PUP TENT!
RUBBER GLOVES!

PUP TENT!
RUBBER GLOVES!
PUP TENT!

RUBBER GLOVES!
PUP TENT!
RUBBER GLOVES!

PUP TENT!
RUBBER GLOVES!
PUP TENT!

CHOREOGRAPHER TONI BASIL HAD
AN IDEA, AND SHE GOT TOGETHER
WITH GARY WEIS.

AN IDEA, AND SHE GOT TOGETHER
WITH GARY WEIS.
HERE'S TONIGHT'S FILM.

HI. SHABADU?
IT'S TONI.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING, TONI?

IT'S TONI.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING, TONI?
OKAY, LISTEN, I GOT AN IDEA.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING, TONI?
OKAY, LISTEN, I GOT AN IDEA.
I WANT YOU TO DANCE IN

OKAY, LISTEN, I GOT AN IDEA.
I WANT YOU TO DANCE IN
"SWAN LAKE."

I WANT YOU TO DANCE IN
"SWAN LAKE."
TONI, WE CAN'T SWIM.

"SWAN LAKE."
TONI, WE CAN'T SWIM.
SHABADU, IT'S A BALLET.

TONI, WE CAN'T SWIM.
SHABADU, IT'S A BALLET.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL THE OTHER

SHABADU, IT'S A BALLET.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL THE OTHER
GUYS?

WHY DON'T YOU CALL THE OTHER
GUYS?
THERE'S FOUR OTHER GIRLS THAT I

GUYS?
THERE'S FOUR OTHER GIRLS THAT I
WANT YOU TO DANCE WITH.

THERE'S FOUR OTHER GIRLS THAT I
WANT YOU TO DANCE WITH.
I CAN GET AHOLD OF THE OTHER

WANT YOU TO DANCE WITH.
I CAN GET AHOLD OF THE OTHER
GUYS.

I CAN GET AHOLD OF THE OTHER
GUYS.
IS THERE ANY MUSIC TO THIS?

GUYS.
IS THERE ANY MUSIC TO THIS?
OF COURSE, SHABADU.

IS THERE ANY MUSIC TO THIS?
OF COURSE, SHABADU.
IT'S A CLASSICAL BALLET.

OF COURSE, SHABADU.
IT'S A CLASSICAL BALLET.
IT'S TCHAIKOVSKY.

IT'S A CLASSICAL BALLET.
IT'S TCHAIKOVSKY.
WELL, IF IT'S MUSIC, WE CAN

IT'S TCHAIKOVSKY.
WELL, IF IT'S MUSIC, WE CAN
DANCE TO IT.

WELL, IF IT'S MUSIC, WE CAN
DANCE TO IT.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

SO, WHERE ARE WE GOING TO
TAKE LUNCH?
FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET'S PICK

TAKE LUNCH?
FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET'S PICK
SOMEPLACE CLOSE BY.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET'S PICK
SOMEPLACE CLOSE BY.
WELL, THERE'S FUJIWA.

SOMEPLACE CLOSE BY.
WELL, THERE'S FUJIWA.
NO, NO.

WELL, THERE'S FUJIWA.
NO, NO.
JAPANESE FOOD MAKES ME SWEAT.

NO, NO.
JAPANESE FOOD MAKES ME SWEAT.
HOW ABOUT THAT ITALIAN PLACE?

JAPANESE FOOD MAKES ME SWEAT.
HOW ABOUT THAT ITALIAN PLACE?
I HAD ITALIAN LAST NIGHT IF

HOW ABOUT THAT ITALIAN PLACE?
I HAD ITALIAN LAST NIGHT IF
YOU DON'T MIND...

I HAD ITALIAN LAST NIGHT IF
YOU DON'T MIND...
WHAT ABOUT THAT NEW PLACE,

YOU DON'T MIND...
WHAT ABOUT THAT NEW PLACE,
UH, TROFF 'N' BREW?

WHAT ABOUT THAT NEW PLACE,
UH, TROFF 'N' BREW?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.

UH, TROFF 'N' BREW?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE ONCE, AND IT WAS

UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE ONCE, AND IT WAS
ALL RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN THERE ONCE, AND IT WAS
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, LET'S GO THERE.

ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, LET'S GO THERE.
IT'S CLOSE BY.

COME ON, LET'S GO THERE.
IT'S CLOSE BY.
THEY KNOW ME IN THERE.

IT'S CLOSE BY.
THEY KNOW ME IN THERE.
IT'S GOT GREAT LIGHTING, GREAT

THEY KNOW ME IN THERE.
IT'S GOT GREAT LIGHTING, GREAT
CHILI.

IT'S GOT GREAT LIGHTING, GREAT
CHILI.
COME ON, LET'S GO.

CHILI.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
I COULD USE SOME CHILI.

COME ON, LET'S GO.
I COULD USE SOME CHILI.
SURE, OKAY.

I COULD USE SOME CHILI.
SURE, OKAY.
YOU KNOW...

[GROANS]
YEAH.
GREAT.

YEAH.
GREAT.
YEAH.

GREAT.
YEAH.
I GOT TO GO NEXT WEEK, AND I

YEAH.
I GOT TO GO NEXT WEEK, AND I
GOT TO ENTERTAIN HERB CARP AND

I GOT TO GO NEXT WEEK, AND I
GOT TO ENTERTAIN HERB CARP AND
HIS WIFE, AND I WAS WONDERING IF

GOT TO ENTERTAIN HERB CARP AND
HIS WIFE, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU COULD GET ME SOME TICKETS

HIS WIFE, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU COULD GET ME SOME TICKETS
FOR THE YANKEE/RED SOX GAME.

YOU COULD GET ME SOME TICKETS
FOR THE YANKEE/RED SOX GAME.
IT MIGHT GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY

FOR THE YANKEE/RED SOX GAME.
IT MIGHT GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR TO TAKE

IT MIGHT GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR TO TAKE
HIS TEMPERATURE, SEW UP ANY OLD

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR TO TAKE
HIS TEMPERATURE, SEW UP ANY OLD
WOUNDS, YOU KNOW?

HIS TEMPERATURE, SEW UP ANY OLD
WOUNDS, YOU KNOW?
AW, NO PROBLEM.

WOUNDS, YOU KNOW?
AW, NO PROBLEM.
I'LL SEND A MEMO TO... TO DORIS,

AW, NO PROBLEM.
I'LL SEND A MEMO TO... TO DORIS,
AND I'LL SET IT UP.

I'LL SEND A MEMO TO... TO DORIS,
AND I'LL SET IT UP.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE HERB CARP IN MY

AND I'LL SET IT UP.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE HERB CARP IN MY
CORNER.

I'D LIKE TO HAVE HERB CARP IN MY
CORNER.
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

CORNER.
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
EVERYTHING OKAY HERE?

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
EVERYTHING OKAY HERE?
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

EVERYTHING OKAY HERE?
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
HEADS UP... MORE CHILI.

YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
HEADS UP... MORE CHILI.
[GRUNTING]

THIS PLACE IS REALLY NICE.
WHO OWNS THESE TROFF 'N' BREWS,
ANYWAY?

WHO OWNS THESE TROFF 'N' BREWS,
ANYWAY?
SOMEBODY TOLD ME IT'S ANOTHER

ANYWAY?
SOMEBODY TOLD ME IT'S ANOTHER
DINING ASSOCIATE'S CHAIN.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME IT'S ANOTHER
DINING ASSOCIATE'S CHAIN.
SIX OR SEVEN OF THEM JUST OPENED

DINING ASSOCIATE'S CHAIN.
SIX OR SEVEN OF THEM JUST OPENED
UP IN THE CITY.

THESE PLACES ARE ALWAYS CROWDED.
IT'S GOOD CHILI.
I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO EAT

IT'S GOOD CHILI.
I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO EAT
TOO MUCH, THOUGH.

I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO EAT
TOO MUCH, THOUGH.
MMM...

TOO MUCH, THOUGH.
MMM...
BILL, WE HAD BETTER SEND THAT

MMM...
BILL, WE HAD BETTER SEND THAT
TELEX OUT TO DETROIT RIGHT

BILL, WE HAD BETTER SEND THAT
TELEX OUT TO DETROIT RIGHT
AFTER LUNCH.

TELEX OUT TO DETROIT RIGHT
AFTER LUNCH.
LET'S STEP OVER HERE TO THE BREW

AFTER LUNCH.
LET'S STEP OVER HERE TO THE BREW
PLACE AND WASH THIS DOWN WITH

LET'S STEP OVER HERE TO THE BREW
PLACE AND WASH THIS DOWN WITH
SOME COLD BREWSKI.

PLACE AND WASH THIS DOWN WITH
SOME COLD BREWSKI.
YEAH, I COULD SET BACK SOME

SOME COLD BREWSKI.
YEAH, I COULD SET BACK SOME
COLD BEER.

YEAH, I COULD SET BACK SOME
COLD BEER.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

COLD BEER.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
HEY, RAY?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
HEY, RAY?
WHO'S PICKING UP THE TAB FOR

HEY, RAY?
WHO'S PICKING UP THE TAB FOR
THIS FEAST?

WHO'S PICKING UP THE TAB FOR
THIS FEAST?
I'LL DO IT.

THIS FEAST?
I'LL DO IT.
I'LL SIGN IT TO MY COMPANY.

I'LL DO IT.
I'LL SIGN IT TO MY COMPANY.
I'M KNOWN HERE.

I'LL SIGN IT TO MY COMPANY.
I'M KNOWN HERE.
HEY, WAITRESS!

I'M KNOWN HERE.
HEY, WAITRESS!
YES, SIR?!

HEY, WAITRESS!
YES, SIR?!
UH, I GOT A TAB, YOU KNOW,

YES, SIR?!
UH, I GOT A TAB, YOU KNOW,
RAY SWANGEN INDUSTRIES.

UH, I GOT A TAB, YOU KNOW,
RAY SWANGEN INDUSTRIES.
OH, YEAH? HOW MANY HEAD?

RAY SWANGEN INDUSTRIES.
OH, YEAH? HOW MANY HEAD?
TWO.

OH, YEAH? HOW MANY HEAD?
TWO.
TWO HEAD? ALL RIGHT.

TWO.
TWO HEAD? ALL RIGHT.
SIGN HERE.

TWO HEAD? ALL RIGHT.
SIGN HERE.
THANK YOU.

SIGN HERE.
THANK YOU.
BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.
BEAUTIFUL.
THANKS A LOT, RAY.

BEAUTIFUL.
THANKS A LOT, RAY.
I'LL GET YOU NEXT WEEK.

THANKS A LOT, RAY.
I'LL GET YOU NEXT WEEK.
THE TROFF 'N' BREW IS CLOSING

I'LL GET YOU NEXT WEEK.
THE TROFF 'N' BREW IS CLOSING
FOR A ONE HALF-HOUR HOSE-DOWN.

THE TROFF 'N' BREW IS CLOSING
FOR A ONE HALF-HOUR HOSE-DOWN.
PLEASE STOP FEEDING, PAY YOUR

FOR A ONE HALF-HOUR HOSE-DOWN.
PLEASE STOP FEEDING, PAY YOUR
CHECK, AND LEAVE BY THE MAIN

PLEASE STOP FEEDING, PAY YOUR
CHECK, AND LEAVE BY THE MAIN
EXIT.

CHECK, AND LEAVE BY THE MAIN
EXIT.
PLEASE DEPOSIT YOUR BIBS IN THE

EXIT.
PLEASE DEPOSIT YOUR BIBS IN THE
BIB BIN...

PLEASE DEPOSIT YOUR BIBS IN THE
BIB BIN...
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

BIB BIN...
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
TROFF 'N' BREW IS CLOSING FOR A

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
TROFF 'N' BREW IS CLOSING FOR A
ONE HALF-HOUR HOSE-DOWN.

ATTENTION PLEASE...
STUDENTS NEEDING EXTRA EXTENSION
CORDS FOR THEIR SCIENCE-FAIR

STUDENTS NEEDING EXTRA EXTENSION
CORDS FOR THEIR SCIENCE-FAIR
PROJECTS, PLEASE REPORT TO THE

CORDS FOR THEIR SCIENCE-FAIR
PROJECTS, PLEASE REPORT TO THE
JUDGES' TABLE.

PROJECTS, PLEASE REPORT TO THE
JUDGES' TABLE.
I STILL THINK WE HAVE A

JUDGES' TABLE.
I STILL THINK WE HAVE A
REALLY, REALLY GOOD CHANCE OF

I STILL THINK WE HAVE A
REALLY, REALLY GOOD CHANCE OF
WINNING, TODD.

REALLY, REALLY GOOD CHANCE OF
WINNING, TODD.
I'VE LOOKED AROUND AT MOST OF

WINNING, TODD.
I'VE LOOKED AROUND AT MOST OF
THE OTHER BOOTHS, AND FRANKLY,

I'VE LOOKED AROUND AT MOST OF
THE OTHER BOOTHS, AND FRANKLY,
I'M NOT [Spitting] IMPRESSED BY

THE OTHER BOOTHS, AND FRANKLY,
I'M NOT [Spitting] IMPRESSED BY
MY PEERS.

I'M NOT [Spitting] IMPRESSED BY
MY PEERS.
YEAH, WELL, SAY IT.

MY PEERS.
YEAH, WELL, SAY IT.
DON'T SPRAY IT, HUH?

YEAH, WELL, SAY IT.
DON'T SPRAY IT, HUH?
CUT IT OUT, TODD.

DON'T SPRAY IT, HUH?
CUT IT OUT, TODD.
WELL, I CAN'T.

CUT IT OUT, TODD.
WELL, I CAN'T.
I DON'T HAVE SCISSORS.

WELL, I CAN'T.
I DON'T HAVE SCISSORS.
OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT

I DON'T HAVE SCISSORS.
OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.

OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.
HEY, WHEN DO YOU THINK CHAZ

TO LAUGH.
HEY, WHEN DO YOU THINK CHAZ
THE SPAZ OVER THERE IS GONNA

HEY, WHEN DO YOU THINK CHAZ
THE SPAZ OVER THERE IS GONNA
UNVEIL HIS BIG, SECRET PROJECT?

THE SPAZ OVER THERE IS GONNA
UNVEIL HIS BIG, SECRET PROJECT?
ARE YOU REFERRING TO

UNVEIL HIS BIG, SECRET PROJECT?
ARE YOU REFERRING TO
CHARLES KNERLMAN, THE REAL

ARE YOU REFERRING TO
CHARLES KNERLMAN, THE REAL
DREAMY PRESIDENT OF THE

CHARLES KNERLMAN, THE REAL
DREAMY PRESIDENT OF THE
SCIENCE CLUB?

DREAMY PRESIDENT OF THE
SCIENCE CLUB?
YOU KNOW, HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO

SCIENCE CLUB?
YOU KNOW, HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO
MIGHT BEAT US.

YOU KNOW, HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO
MIGHT BEAT US.
YOU REALLY LIKE HIM, DON'T

MIGHT BEAT US.
YOU REALLY LIKE HIM, DON'T
YOU, LISA?

YOU REALLY LIKE HIM, DON'T
YOU, LISA?
THE SPAZ AND LISA SITTING IN

YOU, LISA?
THE SPAZ AND LISA SITTING IN
A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G... BLEGH!

THE SPAZ AND LISA SITTING IN
A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G... BLEGH!
OH, SHUT UP, TODD!

A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G... BLEGH!
OH, SHUT UP, TODD!
SHUT UP!

OH, SHUT UP, TODD!
SHUT UP!
GOD.

SHUT UP!
GOD.
Shh!

GOD.
Shh!
HI, I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR.

Shh!
HI, I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR.
FROM HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH.

HI, I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR.
FROM HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH.
MAYBE YOU NOTICED ME IN THE NEXT

FROM HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH.
MAYBE YOU NOTICED ME IN THE NEXT
BOOTH.

MAYBE YOU NOTICED ME IN THE NEXT
BOOTH.
SURE, WE DID.

BOOTH.
SURE, WE DID.
YOU'RE THE ONLY NEGRO HERE.

SURE, WE DID.
YOU'RE THE ONLY NEGRO HERE.
TODD!

YOU'RE THE ONLY NEGRO HERE.
TODD!
I-I'VE BEEN WONDERING...

TODD!
I-I'VE BEEN WONDERING...
WHAT DOES "DIALING FOR TOAST"

I-I'VE BEEN WONDERING...
WHAT DOES "DIALING FOR TOAST"
MEAN?

WHAT DOES "DIALING FOR TOAST"
MEAN?
WELL, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN

MEAN?
WELL, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN
THIS EXPERIMENT, WHAT I DID HERE

WELL, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN
THIS EXPERIMENT, WHAT I DID HERE
WAS TO HOOK UP A MINI COMPUTER

THIS EXPERIMENT, WHAT I DID HERE
WAS TO HOOK UP A MINI COMPUTER
INSIDE THIS TOUCH-TONE PHONE,

WAS TO HOOK UP A MINI COMPUTER
INSIDE THIS TOUCH-TONE PHONE,
HOOKED IT RIGHT UP TO THIS

INSIDE THIS TOUCH-TONE PHONE,
HOOKED IT RIGHT UP TO THIS
PUSH-BUTTON TOASTER.

HOOKED IT RIGHT UP TO THIS
PUSH-BUTTON TOASTER.
YEAH, WHAT WE DID,

PUSH-BUTTON TOASTER.
YEAH, WHAT WE DID,
PIZZA FACE!

YEAH, WHAT WE DID,
PIZZA FACE!
AND SO, DEPENDING ON HOW YOU

PIZZA FACE!
AND SO, DEPENDING ON HOW YOU
LIKE YOUR TOAST, WITH

AND SO, DEPENDING ON HOW YOU
LIKE YOUR TOAST, WITH
PUSH-BUTTON WORLD OF THE FUTURE,

LIKE YOUR TOAST, WITH
PUSH-BUTTON WORLD OF THE FUTURE,
YOU CAN EITHER DIAL PROGRAM "A,"

PUSH-BUTTON WORLD OF THE FUTURE,
YOU CAN EITHER DIAL PROGRAM "A,"
WHICH IS LIGHTER, OR "B," WHICH

YOU CAN EITHER DIAL PROGRAM "A,"
WHICH IS LIGHTER, OR "B," WHICH
IS DARKEST.

WHICH IS LIGHTER, OR "B," WHICH
IS DARKEST.
YEAH.

IS DARKEST.
YEAH.
♪ LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE

YEAH.
♪ LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE
TOASTING AT THE SCIENCE FAIR ♪

♪ LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE
TOASTING AT THE SCIENCE FAIR ♪
♪ DA-DA DA-DA, DA-DA DA-DA

TOASTING AT THE SCIENCE FAIR ♪
♪ DA-DA DA-DA, DA-DA DA-DA
DA-DA ♪

♪ DA-DA DA-DA, DA-DA DA-DA
DA-DA ♪
AH, HERE WE ARE.

DA-DA ♪
AH, HERE WE ARE.
SO, PLEASE ACCEPT THIS FREE

AH, HERE WE ARE.
SO, PLEASE ACCEPT THIS FREE
SAMPLE OF TOAST, COMPLIMENTS OF

SO, PLEASE ACCEPT THIS FREE
SAMPLE OF TOAST, COMPLIMENTS OF
THE DIALING FOR TOAST AND YOUR

SAMPLE OF TOAST, COMPLIMENTS OF
THE DIALING FOR TOAST AND YOUR
PUSH-BUTTON WORLD OF THE FUTURE.

THE DIALING FOR TOAST AND YOUR
PUSH-BUTTON WORLD OF THE FUTURE.
AND HELP YOURSELF TO THE

PUSH-BUTTON WORLD OF THE FUTURE.
AND HELP YOURSELF TO THE
SANDWICH SPREAD OF YOUR CHOICE,

AND HELP YOURSELF TO THE
SANDWICH SPREAD OF YOUR CHOICE,
COMPLIMENTS OF US, TODD LaBOUNTA

SANDWICH SPREAD OF YOUR CHOICE,
COMPLIMENTS OF US, TODD LaBOUNTA
AND LISA LOOPNER.

COMPLIMENTS OF US, TODD LaBOUNTA
AND LISA LOOPNER.
IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I TAKE THE

AND LISA LOOPNER.
IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I TAKE THE
SPAM AND THE CHEEZ WHIZ?

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I TAKE THE
SPAM AND THE CHEEZ WHIZ?
YEAH, BUT FIRST, GRANT, TELL

SPAM AND THE CHEEZ WHIZ?
YEAH, BUT FIRST, GRANT, TELL
US ABOUT YOUR PROJECT.

YEAH, BUT FIRST, GRANT, TELL
US ABOUT YOUR PROJECT.
OH. OH.

US ABOUT YOUR PROJECT.
OH. OH.
WELL, MY PROJECT IS CALLED...

OH. OH.
WELL, MY PROJECT IS CALLED...
UM... ELECTRICITY IN THE 20th

WELL, MY PROJECT IS CALLED...
UM... ELECTRICITY IN THE 20th
CENTURY.

UM... ELECTRICITY IN THE 20th
CENTURY.
YEAH?

CENTURY.
YEAH?
SEE, WHAT I DID WAS, I BLEW

YEAH?
SEE, WHAT I DID WAS, I BLEW
UP SOME BALLOONS, RIGHT?

SEE, WHAT I DID WAS, I BLEW
UP SOME BALLOONS, RIGHT?
AND I RUBBED THEM ON AN ORDINARY

UP SOME BALLOONS, RIGHT?
AND I RUBBED THEM ON AN ORDINARY
V-NECK SWEATER...

AND I RUBBED THEM ON AN ORDINARY
V-NECK SWEATER...
SO...

V-NECK SWEATER...
SO...
THEY...

SO...
THEY...
STUCK.

THEY...
STUCK.
HUH?

STUCK.
HUH?
I-I-I WAS... IT'S GREAT, RIGHT?

HUH?
I-I-I WAS... IT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
YEAH, GREAT GOING, GRANT.

I-I-I WAS... IT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
YEAH, GREAT GOING, GRANT.
I WAS THINKING OF CALLING IT

YEAH, GREAT GOING, GRANT.
I WAS THINKING OF CALLING IT
"FUN WITH FRICTION."

I WAS THINKING OF CALLING IT
"FUN WITH FRICTION."
[LAUGHS]

"FUN WITH FRICTION."
[LAUGHS]
"FUN WITH FRICTION"?

[LAUGHS]
"FUN WITH FRICTION"?
MISS LOOPNER, I SEEM TO RECALL A

"FUN WITH FRICTION"?
MISS LOOPNER, I SEEM TO RECALL A
LITTLE FUN WITH FRICTION

MISS LOOPNER, I SEEM TO RECALL A
LITTLE FUN WITH FRICTION
EXPERIMENT IN YOUR REC ROOM ON

LITTLE FUN WITH FRICTION
EXPERIMENT IN YOUR REC ROOM ON
THURSDAY.

EXPERIMENT IN YOUR REC ROOM ON
THURSDAY.
YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT THE

THURSDAY.
YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT THE
WORLD TO KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU

YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT THE
WORLD TO KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU
PUBLISH IT IN THE NEWSPAPER?

WORLD TO KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU
PUBLISH IT IN THE NEWSPAPER?
THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.

PUBLISH IT IN THE NEWSPAPER?
THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.
OH, BY THE WAY, LISA, I FORGOT.

THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.
OH, BY THE WAY, LISA, I FORGOT.
YOU WANTED SOME LAND FOR A

OH, BY THE WAY, LISA, I FORGOT.
YOU WANTED SOME LAND FOR A
PLAYGROUND?

YOU WANTED SOME LAND FOR A
PLAYGROUND?
HERE'S A COUPLE OF ACRES.

PLAYGROUND?
HERE'S A COUPLE OF ACRES.
OW!

HERE'S A COUPLE OF ACRES.
OW!
AAH!

OW!
AAH!
AND I BELIEVE THESE ARE THE

AAH!
AND I BELIEVE THESE ARE THE
NOOGIES THAT YOU REQUESTED A

AND I BELIEVE THESE ARE THE
NOOGIES THAT YOU REQUESTED A
LITTLE BIT EARLIER.

NOOGIES THAT YOU REQUESTED A
LITTLE BIT EARLIER.
STOP IT, TODD!

LITTLE BIT EARLIER.
STOP IT, TODD!
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, TODD.

STOP IT, TODD!
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, TODD.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU COULD USE?

YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, TODD.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU COULD USE?
A CHECKUP FROM THE NECK UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU COULD USE?
A CHECKUP FROM THE NECK UP.
BOOP!

A CHECKUP FROM THE NECK UP.
BOOP!
HI, LISA.

BOOP!
HI, LISA.
OOH. HI, CHARLES.

HI, LISA.
OOH. HI, CHARLES.
OH, NO. CHAZ THE SPAZ.

OOH. HI, CHARLES.
OH, NO. CHAZ THE SPAZ.
HOW'S IT HANGING, PIZZA FACE?

OH, NO. CHAZ THE SPAZ.
HOW'S IT HANGING, PIZZA FACE?
OH, HELLO, SPAZALOPOLIS.

HOW'S IT HANGING, PIZZA FACE?
OH, HELLO, SPAZALOPOLIS.
YOU FINALLY GOT THE NERVE TO

OH, HELLO, SPAZALOPOLIS.
YOU FINALLY GOT THE NERVE TO
CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION, HUH?

YOU FINALLY GOT THE NERVE TO
CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION, HUH?
YEAH, I'M REALLY WORRIED

CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION, HUH?
YEAH, I'M REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT DIALING FOR TOAST... NOT.

YEAH, I'M REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT DIALING FOR TOAST... NOT.
NO OFFENSE, LISA, BUT YOUR

ABOUT DIALING FOR TOAST... NOT.
NO OFFENSE, LISA, BUT YOUR
SCIENCE PROJECT LEAVES SOMETHING

NO OFFENSE, LISA, BUT YOUR
SCIENCE PROJECT LEAVES SOMETHING
TO BE DESIRED, MAINLY A

SCIENCE PROJECT LEAVES SOMETHING
TO BE DESIRED, MAINLY A
PARTNER...

TO BE DESIRED, MAINLY A
PARTNER...
ME.

PARTNER...
ME.
WELL, WHAT'S YOUR PROJECT,

ME.
WELL, WHAT'S YOUR PROJECT,
CHARLES?

WELL, WHAT'S YOUR PROJECT,
CHARLES?
WELL, NOTHING SPECIAL.

CHARLES?
WELL, NOTHING SPECIAL.
I JUST PUT TOGETHER A PLUTONIUM

WELL, NOTHING SPECIAL.
I JUST PUT TOGETHER A PLUTONIUM
BOMB.

I JUST PUT TOGETHER A PLUTONIUM
BOMB.
THAT'S ALL.

BOMB.
THAT'S ALL.
I WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO

THAT'S ALL.
I WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO
KNOW.

I WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO
KNOW.
OH.

KNOW.
OH.
VOILà!

OH.
VOILà!
[GASPS]

VOILà!
[GASPS]
NEAT-O-ROONEY, CHARLES!

[GASPS]
NEAT-O-ROONEY, CHARLES!
OOH, LUCKY.

NEAT-O-ROONEY, CHARLES!
OOH, LUCKY.
HOW'D YOU GET THE PLUTONIUM?

OOH, LUCKY.
HOW'D YOU GET THE PLUTONIUM?
NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.

HOW'D YOU GET THE PLUTONIUM?
NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
WELL, IF I HAD PLUTONIUM, I

NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
WELL, IF I HAD PLUTONIUM, I
COULD HAVE MADE THIS BOMB IN

WELL, IF I HAD PLUTONIUM, I
COULD HAVE MADE THIS BOMB IN
ABOUT FIVE SECONDS.

COULD HAVE MADE THIS BOMB IN
ABOUT FIVE SECONDS.
OH, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON

ABOUT FIVE SECONDS.
OH, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON
FIRE!

OH, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON
FIRE!
GUESS WHAT ELSE IS ON FIRE...

FIRE!
GUESS WHAT ELSE IS ON FIRE...
YOUR SHIRT!

GUESS WHAT ELSE IS ON FIRE...
YOUR SHIRT!
OH, NOW IT'S OUT. NOW IT'S OUT.

YOUR SHIRT!
OH, NOW IT'S OUT. NOW IT'S OUT.
UH-OH! TICKLE MACHINE OUT OF

OH, NOW IT'S OUT. NOW IT'S OUT.
UH-OH! TICKLE MACHINE OUT OF
CONTROL!

UH-OH! TICKLE MACHINE OUT OF
CONTROL!
ACT YOUR... ACT YOUR AGE, NOT

CONTROL!
ACT YOUR... ACT YOUR AGE, NOT
YOUR SHOE SIZE.

ACT YOUR... ACT YOUR AGE, NOT
YOUR SHOE SIZE.
I THINK I FEEL LIKE SOME

YOUR SHOE SIZE.
I THINK I FEEL LIKE SOME
TOAST.

I THINK I FEEL LIKE SOME
TOAST.
YES, UH, UH, TOAST OPERATOR?

TOAST.
YES, UH, UH, TOAST OPERATOR?
YEAH, THIS IS TODD LaBOUNTA.

YES, UH, UH, TOAST OPERATOR?
YEAH, THIS IS TODD LaBOUNTA.
CAN YOU GET ME SOME LIGHTER,

YEAH, THIS IS TODD LaBOUNTA.
CAN YOU GET ME SOME LIGHTER,
PLEASE?

CAN YOU GET ME SOME LIGHTER,
PLEASE?
YEAH, MR. LaBOUNTA IS HOLDING.

PLEASE?
YEAH, MR. LaBOUNTA IS HOLDING.
MOM!

YEAH, MR. LaBOUNTA IS HOLDING.
MOM!
HEY, KIDS!

MOM!
HEY, KIDS!
Together: HELLO,

HEY, KIDS!
Together: HELLO,
MRS. LOOPNER.

Together: HELLO,
MRS. LOOPNER.
OH, KIDS, YOUR BOOTH IS

MRS. LOOPNER.
OH, KIDS, YOUR BOOTH IS
LOVELY!

OH, KIDS, YOUR BOOTH IS
LOVELY!
YOURS, TOO, CHARLES.

LOVELY!
YOURS, TOO, CHARLES.
NOW, I DON'T WANT TO INTRUDE.

YOURS, TOO, CHARLES.
NOW, I DON'T WANT TO INTRUDE.
I JUST WANTED TO BRING YOU SOME

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO INTRUDE.
I JUST WANTED TO BRING YOU SOME
LUNCH.

I JUST WANTED TO BRING YOU SOME
LUNCH.
OH, WAIT. LET ME GUESS.

LUNCH.
OH, WAIT. LET ME GUESS.
COULD THIS BE MRS. LOOPNER'S

OH, WAIT. LET ME GUESS.
COULD THIS BE MRS. LOOPNER'S
WORLD-FAMOUS EGG SALAD?

COULD THIS BE MRS. LOOPNER'S
WORLD-FAMOUS EGG SALAD?
OH, YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL,

WORLD-FAMOUS EGG SALAD?
OH, YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL,
TODD.

OH, YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL,
TODD.
NOW, EGG SALAD OPEN-FACED.

TODD.
NOW, EGG SALAD OPEN-FACED.
EGG-SALAD SANDWICHES FOR

NOW, EGG SALAD OPEN-FACED.
EGG-SALAD SANDWICHES FOR
EVERYBODY.

EGG-SALAD SANDWICHES FOR
EVERYBODY.
Together: THANK YOU,

EVERYBODY.
Together: THANK YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER.

Together: THANK YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER.
MRS. LUPLER... LOOPNER?

MRS. LOOPNER.
MRS. LUPLER... LOOPNER?
DO YOU MIND IF WE MAKE ANOTHER

MRS. LUPLER... LOOPNER?
DO YOU MIND IF WE MAKE ANOTHER
SANDWICH?

DO YOU MIND IF WE MAKE ANOTHER
SANDWICH?
SURE, TODD.

SANDWICH?
SURE, TODD.
THESE ARE TO BE EATEN.

SURE, TODD.
THESE ARE TO BE EATEN.
OH, WELL, OKAY.

THESE ARE TO BE EATEN.
OH, WELL, OKAY.
SANDWICH!

OH, WELL, OKAY.
SANDWICH!
LISA'S IN A SANDWICH!

NOW, ONCE AGAIN, DIRECTLY
FROM DON KIRSHNER'S
"ROCK CONCERT,"

FROM DON KIRSHNER'S
"ROCK CONCERT,"
THE BLUES BROTHERS.

"ROCK CONCERT,"
THE BLUES BROTHERS.
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ SICK AND TIRED BY THE WAY
YOU DO ♪
♪ IN GOOD TIME, PAPA'S GONNA

YOU DO ♪
♪ IN GOOD TIME, PAPA'S GONNA
POISON YOU ♪

♪ IN GOOD TIME, PAPA'S GONNA
POISON YOU ♪
♪ SPRINKLE GOOFER DUST ALL

POISON YOU ♪
♪ SPRINKLE GOOFER DUST ALL
AROUND YOUR BED ♪

♪ SPRINKLE GOOFER DUST ALL
AROUND YOUR BED ♪
♪ WAKE UP ONE OF THESE DAYS,

AROUND YOUR BED ♪
♪ WAKE UP ONE OF THESE DAYS,
FIND YOUR OWN SELF DEAD ♪

♪ WAKE UP ONE OF THESE DAYS,
FIND YOUR OWN SELF DEAD ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY

FIND YOUR OWN SELF DEAD ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WELL, WHAT DID I SAY

THAT" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WELL, WHAT DID I SAY
THIS TIME, BABY?" ♪

♪ I SAID, "WELL, WHAT DID I SAY
THIS TIME, BABY?" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "MNH...

THIS TIME, BABY?" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "MNH...
I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "MNH...
I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪

I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHAT MY BABY'S PUTTIN' DOWN" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHAT MY BABY'S PUTTIN' DOWN" ♪
♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, SHE GOT

♪ WHAT MY BABY'S PUTTIN' DOWN" ♪
♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, SHE GOT
DEVIL IN HER JAW ♪

♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, SHE GOT
DEVIL IN HER JAW ♪
♪ THE CLOTHES SHE WEARING, MADE

DEVIL IN HER JAW ♪
♪ THE CLOTHES SHE WEARING, MADE
OUT OF THE BEST OF CLOTH ♪

♪ THE CLOTHES SHE WEARING, MADE
OUT OF THE BEST OF CLOTH ♪
♪ SHE CAN TAKE 'EM AND WASH 'EM

OUT OF THE BEST OF CLOTH ♪
♪ SHE CAN TAKE 'EM AND WASH 'EM
AND HANG 'EM UP BESIDE A WALL ♪

♪ SHE CAN TAKE 'EM AND WASH 'EM
AND HANG 'EM UP BESIDE A WALL ♪
♪ SHE CAN THROW 'EM OUT THE

AND HANG 'EM UP BESIDE A WALL ♪
♪ SHE CAN THROW 'EM OUT THE
WINDOW, PICK 'EM UP A LITTLE BIT

♪ SHE CAN THROW 'EM OUT THE
WINDOW, PICK 'EM UP A LITTLE BIT
BEFORE THEY FALL ♪

WINDOW, PICK 'EM UP A LITTLE BIT
BEFORE THEY FALL ♪
♪ SOMETIMES I THINK YOU GOT YOUR

BEFORE THEY FALL ♪
♪ SOMETIMES I THINK YOU GOT YOUR
HABITS ON ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I THINK YOU GOT YOUR
HABITS ON ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY

HABITS ON ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WELL... ♪

THAT" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WELL... ♪
♪ WHAT DID I SAY TO MAKE YOU MAD

♪ I SAID, "WELL... ♪
♪ WHAT DID I SAY TO MAKE YOU MAD
THIS TIME, BAAAAAAAAABY?" ♪

♪ WHAT DID I SAY TO MAKE YOU MAD
THIS TIME, BAAAAAAAAABY?" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "MNH...

THIS TIME, BAAAAAAAAABY?" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "MNH...
I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "MNH...
I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪

I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHAT MY BABY'S PUTTIN' DOWN" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHAT MY BABY'S PUTTIN' DOWN" ♪
♪ AAAHHHH ♪

♪ WELL, MY PAPA TOLD ME ♪
♪ MY MAMA SAT DOWN AND CRIED ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU'RE TOO DARN MAD

♪ MY MAMA SAT DOWN AND CRIED ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU'RE TOO DARN MAD
TO HAVE MANY WOMEN, YOU'LL

♪ SHE SAID, "YOU'RE TOO DARN MAD
TO HAVE MANY WOMEN, YOU'LL
DIE" ♪

TO HAVE MANY WOMEN, YOU'LL
DIE" ♪
♪ I LOOKED AT MY MOTHER, DEAR,

DIE" ♪
♪ I LOOKED AT MY MOTHER, DEAR,
I DIDN'T EVEN CRACK A SMILE ♪

♪ I LOOKED AT MY MOTHER, DEAR,
I DIDN'T EVEN CRACK A SMILE ♪
♪ SAID, "IF WOMEN KILL ME, I

I DIDN'T EVEN CRACK A SMILE ♪
♪ SAID, "IF WOMEN KILL ME, I
DON'T MIND DYING" ♪

♪ SAID, "IF WOMEN KILL ME, I
DON'T MIND DYING" ♪
♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, I WANTED THE

DON'T MIND DYING" ♪
♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, I WANTED THE
WEEK BEFORE LAST ♪

♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, I WANTED THE
WEEK BEFORE LAST ♪
♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, I GOT OUT OF

WEEK BEFORE LAST ♪
♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, I GOT OUT OF
CLASS ♪

♪ THE WOMAN I LOVE, I GOT OUT OF
CLASS ♪
♪ I THOUGHT I WARNED YOU BABY A

CLASS ♪
♪ I THOUGHT I WARNED YOU BABY A
LONG TIME AGO ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I WARNED YOU BABY A
LONG TIME AGO ♪
♪ IF YOU DON'T WATCH YOUR STEP,

LONG TIME AGO ♪
♪ IF YOU DON'T WATCH YOUR STEP,
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LET YOU

♪ IF YOU DON'T WATCH YOUR STEP,
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LET YOU
GO ♪

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LET YOU
GO ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY

GO ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WELL, BABY, YOU KNOW

THAT" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WELL, BABY, YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU BEND OVER, I SEE EVERY

♪ I SAID, "WELL, BABY, YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU BEND OVER, I SEE EVERY
BIT OF CHRISTMAS, AND WHEN YOU

WHEN YOU BEND OVER, I SEE EVERY
BIT OF CHRISTMAS, AND WHEN YOU
BEND BACK, I'M LOOKING RIGHT

BIT OF CHRISTMAS, AND WHEN YOU
BEND BACK, I'M LOOKING RIGHT
INTO THE NEW YEAR" ♪

BEND BACK, I'M LOOKING RIGHT
INTO THE NEW YEAR" ♪
♪ WELL, SHE SAID, "HONEY...

INTO THE NEW YEAR" ♪
♪ WELL, SHE SAID, "HONEY...
HONEY, I GAVE UP CIGARETTES FOR

♪ WELL, SHE SAID, "HONEY...
HONEY, I GAVE UP CIGARETTES FOR
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION ♪

HONEY, I GAVE UP CIGARETTES FOR
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION ♪
♪ BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION ♪
♪ BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP
SMOKING" ♪

♪ BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP
SMOKING" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WOMAN...

SMOKING" ♪
♪ I SAID, "WOMAN...
ARE YOU GONNA WALK A MILE FOR A

♪ I SAID, "WOMAN...
ARE YOU GONNA WALK A MILE FOR A
CAMEL? ♪

ARE YOU GONNA WALK A MILE FOR A
CAMEL? ♪
♪ OR ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE LIKE

CAMEL? ♪
♪ OR ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE LIKE
MR. CHESTERFIELD AND SATISFY?" ♪

♪ OR ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE LIKE
MR. CHESTERFIELD AND SATISFY?" ♪
♪ AND SHE SAID, "THAT ALL

MR. CHESTERFIELD AND SATISFY?" ♪
♪ AND SHE SAID, "THAT ALL
DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR PACKIN'...

♪ AND SHE SAID, "THAT ALL
DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR PACKIN'...
REGULAR OR KING-SIZE" ♪

DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR PACKIN'...
REGULAR OR KING-SIZE" ♪
[CHEERS]

REGULAR OR KING-SIZE" ♪
[CHEERS]
♪ I SAID, "WELL, NOW, BABY...

[CHEERS]
♪ I SAID, "WELL, NOW, BABY...
NOW WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY,

♪ I SAID, "WELL, NOW, BABY...
NOW WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY,
BAAAAAAAA-BY?" ♪

NOW WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY,
BAAAAAAAA-BY?" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "MMMMMMNH... ♪

BAAAAAAAA-BY?" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "MMMMMMNH... ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "MMMMMMNH... ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T... ♪

♪ OH, MY, OH, MY" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T... ♪
♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY-Y-Y" ♪

♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T... ♪
♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY-Y-Y" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ MY, OH, MY, OH, MY-Y-Y" ♪
♪ SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHAT MY BABY'S PUTTING DOWN" ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME

ONCE AGAIN TO

"NEXT WEEK IN REVIEW," THE SHOW

THAT BELIEVES THAT ANY NEWS IS

OLD NEWS IF IT'S ALREADY

HAPPENED AND DARES TO PREDICT

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT

WEEK.

WELL, PSYCHICS, YOU DID
SUPERBLY AGAIN LAST WEEK.
YOU BATTED 1.000 ONCE MORE.

SUPERBLY AGAIN LAST WEEK.
YOU BATTED 1.000 ONCE MORE.
MITZI, YOU PREDICTED THAT THE

YOU BATTED 1.000 ONCE MORE.
MITZI, YOU PREDICTED THAT THE
PANAMA CANAL TREATY WOULD BE

MITZI, YOU PREDICTED THAT THE
PANAMA CANAL TREATY WOULD BE
APPROVED BY A 68-32 VOTE.

PANAMA CANAL TREATY WOULD BE
APPROVED BY A 68-32 VOTE.
UH, COCUWA, YOU WERE RIGHT WHEN

APPROVED BY A 68-32 VOTE.
UH, COCUWA, YOU WERE RIGHT WHEN
YOU PREDICTED THAT

UH, COCUWA, YOU WERE RIGHT WHEN
YOU PREDICTED THAT
HARRY REASONER WOULD BE LEAVING

YOU PREDICTED THAT
HARRY REASONER WOULD BE LEAVING
THE ABC EVENING NEWS BECAUSE HE

HARRY REASONER WOULD BE LEAVING
THE ABC EVENING NEWS BECAUSE HE
DIDN'T FIT IN WITH THE PLANS.

THE ABC EVENING NEWS BECAUSE HE
DIDN'T FIT IN WITH THE PLANS.
AND, KREEG, YOU PREDICTED

DIDN'T FIT IN WITH THE PLANS.
AND, KREEG, YOU PREDICTED
CORRECTLY THAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT

AND, KREEG, YOU PREDICTED
CORRECTLY THAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT
BOXING CHAMPION LEON SPINKS

CORRECTLY THAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT
BOXING CHAMPION LEON SPINKS
WOULD BE ARRESTED FOR DRIVING

BOXING CHAMPION LEON SPINKS
WOULD BE ARRESTED FOR DRIVING
WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS AND HAVING

WOULD BE ARRESTED FOR DRIVING
WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS AND HAVING
COCAINE IN HIS HAT.

WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS AND HAVING
COCAINE IN HIS HAT.
BUT LET'S GET ON TO TOMORROW'S

COCAINE IN HIS HAT.
BUT LET'S GET ON TO TOMORROW'S
HEADLINES.

BUT LET'S GET ON TO TOMORROW'S
HEADLINES.
WHAT DOES NEXT WEEK LOOK LIKE?

HEADLINES.
WHAT DOES NEXT WEEK LOOK LIKE?
WHAT'S GONNA BE THE BIG STORY?

I THINK... THE BIG STORY WILL

BE THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE

BARNWELL, SOUTH CAROLINA,

NUCLEAR DUMP.

IT'S THE SECOND-LARGEST NUCLEAR

DUMP IN THE COUNTRY, AND

EVERYBODY'S GOING TO BE PRETTY

CONCERNED WHERE IT WENT.

BUT DON'T YOU THINK THE

DEBBY BOONE KIDNAPPING WILL BE A

BIGGER STORY THAN THE

NUCLEAR-DUMP DISAPPEARANCE?

AFTER ALL, THE PUBLIC IS MORE

INTERESTED IN PEOPLE

DISAPPEARING THAN DUMPS.

WELL, MITZI, I-I FEEL THAT,
ALTHOUGH UNREASONABLE, THE
KIDNAPPERS' DEMANDS WILL BE MET.

ALTHOUGH UNREASONABLE, THE
KIDNAPPERS' DEMANDS WILL BE MET.
NOW, I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE

KIDNAPPERS' DEMANDS WILL BE MET.
NOW, I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE
HARD FOR HER RECORD COMPANY TO

NOW, I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE
HARD FOR HER RECORD COMPANY TO
ACTUALLY PROVE TO THE KIDNAPPERS

HARD FOR HER RECORD COMPANY TO
ACTUALLY PROVE TO THE KIDNAPPERS
THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAVE RECALLED

ACTUALLY PROVE TO THE KIDNAPPERS
THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAVE RECALLED
AND BURNED ALL 3 1/2 MILLION

THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAVE RECALLED
AND BURNED ALL 3 1/2 MILLION
COPIES OF

AND BURNED ALL 3 1/2 MILLION
COPIES OF
"YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE," BUT I

COPIES OF
"YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE," BUT I
FEEL QUITE SURE THAT, UH...

"YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE," BUT I
FEEL QUITE SURE THAT, UH...
THAT EXECUTIVES WILL TRY TO MEET

FEEL QUITE SURE THAT, UH...
THAT EXECUTIVES WILL TRY TO MEET
THE DEMAND.

THAT EXECUTIVES WILL TRY TO MEET
THE DEMAND.
HOWEVER, THE NUCLEAR-DUMP

THE DEMAND.
HOWEVER, THE NUCLEAR-DUMP
DISAPPEARANCE IS A STORY THAT

HOWEVER, THE NUCLEAR-DUMP
DISAPPEARANCE IS A STORY THAT
JUST WON'T GO AWAY.

BUT WOULD YOU SAY IT'S A

BIGGER ISSUE THAN THE POPE'S

CLONING?

I FEEL THE INTEREST IN THE

14-MONTH-OLD CLONE HAS BEEN

BUILDING, AND WHEN PEOPLE HEAR

THAT THE POPE IS THE MYSTERIOUS

MILLIONAIRE WHO ACTUALLY

COMMISSIONED THE CLONE, WELL,

IT'S GOING TO BE STARTLING.

BUT DO YOU THINK THE CHURCH
WILL DECLARE THAT THE CLONE IS
INFALLIBLE?

WILL DECLARE THAT THE CLONE IS
INFALLIBLE?
YES, SOMETIME IN JULY,

INFALLIBLE?
YES, SOMETIME IN JULY,
PROBABLY ON THE 19th.

YES, SOMETIME IN JULY,
PROBABLY ON THE 19th.
UH... UH... UH... QUESTION...

PROBABLY ON THE 19th.
UH... UH... UH... QUESTION...
WHAT SIGN IS THE CLONE?

UH... UH... UH... QUESTION...
WHAT SIGN IS THE CLONE?
WOULD A CLONE BE THE SAME SIGN

WHAT SIGN IS THE CLONE?
WOULD A CLONE BE THE SAME SIGN
AS THE CELL DONOR, OR... OR

WOULD A CLONE BE THE SAME SIGN
AS THE CELL DONOR, OR... OR
WOULD IT HAVE THE SIGN UNDER

AS THE CELL DONOR, OR... OR
WOULD IT HAVE THE SIGN UNDER
WHICH IT WAS BORN?

WOULD IT HAVE THE SIGN UNDER
WHICH IT WAS BORN?
THAT'S WHAT'S GOT ME PUZZLED.

WHICH IT WAS BORN?
THAT'S WHAT'S GOT ME PUZZLED.
I THINK IN THESE CASES, IT

THAT'S WHAT'S GOT ME PUZZLED.
I THINK IN THESE CASES, IT
WOULD HAVE A HYPHENATED SIGN.

I THINK IN THESE CASES, IT
WOULD HAVE A HYPHENATED SIGN.
FOR INSTANCE, THE POPE'S CLONE

WOULD HAVE A HYPHENATED SIGN.
FOR INSTANCE, THE POPE'S CLONE
WILL BE AN ARIES-LEO.

FOR INSTANCE, THE POPE'S CLONE
WILL BE AN ARIES-LEO.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING BORN IN

WILL BE AN ARIES-LEO.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING BORN IN
A NONLINEAR CUSP.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING BORN IN
A NONLINEAR CUSP.
WELL, COCUWA, YOU PREDICTED

A NONLINEAR CUSP.
WELL, COCUWA, YOU PREDICTED
EVERY TIME MAGAZINE COVER FOR

WELL, COCUWA, YOU PREDICTED
EVERY TIME MAGAZINE COVER FOR
THE LAST TWO YEARS.

EVERY TIME MAGAZINE COVER FOR
THE LAST TWO YEARS.
WHAT'S GONNA BE ON THE TIME

THE LAST TWO YEARS.
WHAT'S GONNA BE ON THE TIME
MAGAZINE COVER THIS WEEK, OR

WHAT'S GONNA BE ON THE TIME
MAGAZINE COVER THIS WEEK, OR
NEXT WEEK... THE POPE'S CLONING,

MAGAZINE COVER THIS WEEK, OR
NEXT WEEK... THE POPE'S CLONING,
THE NUCLEAR-DUMP DISAPPEARANCE,

NEXT WEEK... THE POPE'S CLONING,
THE NUCLEAR-DUMP DISAPPEARANCE,
OR THE BOONE-NAPPING?

THE NUCLEAR-DUMP DISAPPEARANCE,
OR THE BOONE-NAPPING?
NONE OF THE ABOVE, MAXINE.

OR THE BOONE-NAPPING?
NONE OF THE ABOVE, MAXINE.
YOU KNOW THAT MY ADOPTED NAME,

NONE OF THE ABOVE, MAXINE.
YOU KNOW THAT MY ADOPTED NAME,
COCUWA, MEANS "TO HELP WITHOUT

YOU KNOW THAT MY ADOPTED NAME,
COCUWA, MEANS "TO HELP WITHOUT
COMPENSATION" IN HAWAIIAN.

COCUWA, MEANS "TO HELP WITHOUT
COMPENSATION" IN HAWAIIAN.
AND I HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN IN

COMPENSATION" IN HAWAIIAN.
AND I HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN IN
ANY WAY FROM THE PERSONAL WEALTH

AND I HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN IN
ANY WAY FROM THE PERSONAL WEALTH
OF MY GREAT GIFT.

ANY WAY FROM THE PERSONAL WEALTH
OF MY GREAT GIFT.
I BELIEVE NEXT WEEK'S TIME COVER

OF MY GREAT GIFT.
I BELIEVE NEXT WEEK'S TIME COVER
WILL BE ABOUT THE RECENT

I BELIEVE NEXT WEEK'S TIME COVER
WILL BE ABOUT THE RECENT
COMMUNICATION FROM OUTER SPACE.

WILL BE ABOUT THE RECENT
COMMUNICATION FROM OUTER SPACE.
UH, COCUWA, I AGREE WITH YOU

COMMUNICATION FROM OUTER SPACE.
UH, COCUWA, I AGREE WITH YOU
THAT IT WOULD BE THE BIGGEST

UH, COCUWA, I AGREE WITH YOU
THAT IT WOULD BE THE BIGGEST
STORY IF THE MESSAGE WAS OF ANY

THAT IT WOULD BE THE BIGGEST
STORY IF THE MESSAGE WAS OF ANY
IMPORTANCE, BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW

STORY IF THE MESSAGE WAS OF ANY
IMPORTANCE, BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW
TRIVIAL IT IS.

IMPORTANCE, BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW
TRIVIAL IT IS.
WHAT, YOU MEAN A FOREIGN

TRIVIAL IT IS.
WHAT, YOU MEAN A FOREIGN
PLANET WILL ACTUALLY SEND A

WHAT, YOU MEAN A FOREIGN
PLANET WILL ACTUALLY SEND A
MESSAGE NEXT WEEK?

PLANET WILL ACTUALLY SEND A
MESSAGE NEXT WEEK?
NO.

MESSAGE NEXT WEEK?
NO.
A FOREIGN PLANET ACTUALLY SENT

NO.
A FOREIGN PLANET ACTUALLY SENT
US A MESSAGE LAST WEEK.

A FOREIGN PLANET ACTUALLY SENT
US A MESSAGE LAST WEEK.
NEXT WEEK, THE GOVERNMENT WILL

US A MESSAGE LAST WEEK.
NEXT WEEK, THE GOVERNMENT WILL
REVEAL THE MESSAGE TO THE

NEXT WEEK, THE GOVERNMENT WILL
REVEAL THE MESSAGE TO THE
PUBLIC.

REVEAL THE MESSAGE TO THE
PUBLIC.
YOU SEE, IT ALL STARTED ON

PUBLIC.
YOU SEE, IT ALL STARTED ON
AUGUST 20, 1977, WHEN NASA PUT

YOU SEE, IT ALL STARTED ON
AUGUST 20, 1977, WHEN NASA PUT
UP A RECORDING OF

AUGUST 20, 1977, WHEN NASA PUT
UP A RECORDING OF
"THE SOUNDS OF EARTH" ON

UP A RECORDING OF
"THE SOUNDS OF EARTH" ON
VOYAGER 1.

"THE SOUNDS OF EARTH" ON
VOYAGER 1.
A 2-HOUR-LONG TAPE INCLUDED

VOYAGER 1.
A 2-HOUR-LONG TAPE INCLUDED
NATURAL SOUNDS OF ANIMALS, A

A 2-HOUR-LONG TAPE INCLUDED
NATURAL SOUNDS OF ANIMALS, A
FRENCH POEM BY BAUDELAIRE, A

NATURAL SOUNDS OF ANIMALS, A
FRENCH POEM BY BAUDELAIRE, A
PASSAGE FROM THE KORAN IN

FRENCH POEM BY BAUDELAIRE, A
PASSAGE FROM THE KORAN IN
ARABIC, MESSAGES FROM

PASSAGE FROM THE KORAN IN
ARABIC, MESSAGES FROM
PRESIDENT CARTER, UNITED NATIONS

ARABIC, MESSAGES FROM
PRESIDENT CARTER, UNITED NATIONS
SECRETARY KURT WALDHEIM,

PRESIDENT CARTER, UNITED NATIONS
SECRETARY KURT WALDHEIM,
MUSIC... EVERYTHING FROM

SECRETARY KURT WALDHEIM,
MUSIC... EVERYTHING FROM
CLASSICAL TO CHUCK BERRY.

MUSIC... EVERYTHING FROM
CLASSICAL TO CHUCK BERRY.
AND YOU'RE SAYING THAT

CLASSICAL TO CHUCK BERRY.
AND YOU'RE SAYING THAT
ANOTHER CIVILIZATION HAS FOUND

AND YOU'RE SAYING THAT
ANOTHER CIVILIZATION HAS FOUND
THE TAPE?

ANOTHER CIVILIZATION HAS FOUND
THE TAPE?
YES.

THE TAPE?
YES.
THEY'VE SENT US A MESSAGE THAT

YES.
THEY'VE SENT US A MESSAGE THAT
ACTUALLY PROVES IT.

THEY'VE SENT US A MESSAGE THAT
ACTUALLY PROVES IT.
IT MAY BE JUST FOUR SIMPLE

ACTUALLY PROVES IT.
IT MAY BE JUST FOUR SIMPLE
WORDS, BUT IT IS THE FIRST

IT MAY BE JUST FOUR SIMPLE
WORDS, BUT IT IS THE FIRST
POSITIVE PROOF THAT OTHER

WORDS, BUT IT IS THE FIRST
POSITIVE PROOF THAT OTHER
INTELLIGENT BEINGS INHABIT THE

POSITIVE PROOF THAT OTHER
INTELLIGENT BEINGS INHABIT THE
UNIVERSE.

INTELLIGENT BEINGS INHABIT THE
UNIVERSE.
WHAT ARE THE FOUR WORDS,

UNIVERSE.
WHAT ARE THE FOUR WORDS,
COCUWA?

WHAT ARE THE FOUR WORDS,
COCUWA?
THE FOUR WORDS THAT CAME TO

COCUWA?
THE FOUR WORDS THAT CAME TO
US FROM OUTER SPACE, THE FOUR

THE FOUR WORDS THAT CAME TO
US FROM OUTER SPACE, THE FOUR
WORDS THAT WILL APPEAR ON THE

US FROM OUTER SPACE, THE FOUR
WORDS THAT WILL APPEAR ON THE
COVER OF TIME MAGAZINE NEXT WEEK

WORDS THAT WILL APPEAR ON THE
COVER OF TIME MAGAZINE NEXT WEEK
ARE...

I'M AFRAID OUR TIME IS
RUNNING OUT.
TO ALL OUR LOYAL VIEWERS, I'M

RUNNING OUT.
TO ALL OUR LOYAL VIEWERS, I'M
MAXINE UNIVERSE.

TO ALL OUR LOYAL VIEWERS, I'M
MAXINE UNIVERSE.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

MAXINE UNIVERSE.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
I'M NOT SO SURE OF THAT,

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
I'M NOT SO SURE OF THAT,
MAXINE.

I'M NOT SO SURE OF THAT,
MAXINE.
YOU MEAN WE WON'T BE ON NEXT

MAXINE.
YOU MEAN WE WON'T BE ON NEXT
WEEK?

YOU MEAN WE WON'T BE ON NEXT
WEEK?
WE MAY BE ON NEXT WEEK, BUT,

WEEK?
WE MAY BE ON NEXT WEEK, BUT,
PERHAPS, NOT YOU, MAXINE.

WE MAY BE ON NEXT WEEK, BUT,
PERHAPS, NOT YOU, MAXINE.
DON'T WORRY, MAXINE.

PERHAPS, NOT YOU, MAXINE.
DON'T WORRY, MAXINE.
YOU'LL BE LEAVING

DON'T WORRY, MAXINE.
YOU'LL BE LEAVING
"NEXT WEEK IN REVIEW" BECAUSE

YOU'LL BE LEAVING
"NEXT WEEK IN REVIEW" BECAUSE
YOU DON'T FIT IN WITH THE SHOW'S

"NEXT WEEK IN REVIEW" BECAUSE
YOU DON'T FIT IN WITH THE SHOW'S
PLANS.

YOU DON'T FIT IN WITH THE SHOW'S
PLANS.
YOU'LL BE OUT OF WORK FOR

PLANS.
YOU'LL BE OUT OF WORK FOR
MONTHS, BUT YOU'LL END UP

YOU'LL BE OUT OF WORK FOR
MONTHS, BUT YOU'LL END UP
CO-HOSTING A BIORHYTHM SHOW IN

MONTHS, BUT YOU'LL END UP
CO-HOSTING A BIORHYTHM SHOW IN
BALTIMORE WITH HARRY REASONER.

CO-HOSTING A BIORHYTHM SHOW IN
BALTIMORE WITH HARRY REASONER.
[APPLAUSE]

I THINK THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT
SHOW TONIGHT, AND I'M REALLY
HAPPY TO BE HERE.

SHOW TONIGHT, AND I'M REALLY
HAPPY TO BE HERE.
AND I REALLY WANT TO THANK

HAPPY TO BE HERE.
AND I REALLY WANT TO THANK
INDIVIDUALLY THE MEMBERS OF

AND I REALLY WANT TO THANK
INDIVIDUALLY THE MEMBERS OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT" BECAUSE THEY

INDIVIDUALLY THE MEMBERS OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT" BECAUSE THEY
REALLY, REALLY... YEAH, YEAH,

"SATURDAY NIGHT" BECAUSE THEY
REALLY, REALLY... YEAH, YEAH,
GREAT SHOW, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

REALLY, REALLY... YEAH, YEAH,
GREAT SHOW, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT PEOP... GROUP... PEOPLE OF

GREAT SHOW, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT PEOP... GROUP... PEOPLE OF
GROUP TO BE WITH, REALLY.

GREAT PEOP... GROUP... PEOPLE OF
GROUP TO BE WITH, REALLY.
I MEAN THAT SINCERELY WHEN I SAY

GROUP TO BE WITH, REALLY.
I MEAN THAT SINCERELY WHEN I SAY
THAT.

I MEAN THAT SINCERELY WHEN I SAY
THAT.
SO, THANKS A LOT. SEE YOU.

THAT.
SO, THANKS A LOT. SEE YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT WEEK, WATCH

AN ENCORE PERFORMANCE OF

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH HOST

MARY KAY PLACE AND MUSICAL GUEST

WILLIE NELSON.

WE'LL RETURN LIVE IN THREE WEEKS

ON SATURDAY NIGHT, MAY 13th,

WHEN OUR HOST WILL BE

RICHARD DREYFUSS.

AND I'M HERE ALL THE TIME, IF

ANYONE WANTS TO LISTEN.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING GOOD

NIGHT.