Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Richard Dreyfuss/Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman - full transcript

The host for the episode is Richard Dreyfuss, and the musical guests are Jimmy Buffett and Gary Tigerman. The skits for this episode are as follows: A presentation on Paraquat shows how the chemically treated marijuana makes its way into the U.S. Richard Dreyfuss performs Hamlet for his opening monologue after John Belushi taunts him over his Best Actor Oscar, but ends up in a fight with John instead. A man obsessed with a tower-like vision he had sees Beldar Conehead in a TV commercial and rushes to the Conehead household just as an emissary is arriving from Remulak. Dreyfuss tests viewers on their knowledge of sex. During the Weekend Update, Bill Murray heckles Richard Dreyfuss during his review of the Oscar winners, and Jane Curtain snaps at Roseanne Roseannadanna for getting sidetracked about rude bodily functions. Nick the lounge singer entertains couples at a honeymoon resort. David Susskind interviews celebrities together with their mothers. Father Guido Sarducci gives the report on things at the Vatican. Jimmy Buffett performs "Son of a Son of a Sailor", Gary Tigerman performs "White Oaxacan Moon", and Richard Dreyfuss performs "I Want to Be Seduced".

[AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD]
PEDRO!
PEDRO, THIS MUST BE A SIGN FROM

PEDRO!
PEDRO, THIS MUST BE A SIGN FROM
OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE.

PEDRO, THIS MUST BE A SIGN FROM
OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE.
IT HASN'T SNOWED IN SONORA FOR

OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE.
IT HASN'T SNOWED IN SONORA FOR
192 YEARS.

IT HASN'T SNOWED IN SONORA FOR
192 YEARS.
IT'S A MIRACLE!

192 YEARS.
IT'S A MIRACLE!
IT'S NOT A MIRACLE.

IT'S A MIRACLE!
IT'S NOT A MIRACLE.
IT'S... PARAQUAT.

IT'S NOT A MIRACLE.
IT'S... PARAQUAT.
PEDRO, IS THIS A SIGN THAT WE

IT'S... PARAQUAT.
PEDRO, IS THIS A SIGN THAT WE
WILL HAVE AN EARLY HARVEST?

PEDRO, IS THIS A SIGN THAT WE
WILL HAVE AN EARLY HARVEST?
DARN RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE

WILL HAVE AN EARLY HARVEST?
DARN RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
AN EARLY HARVEST.



DARN RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
AN EARLY HARVEST.
LIKE TONIGHT.

AN EARLY HARVEST.
LIKE TONIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA CUT AND BAG THIS

LIKE TONIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA CUT AND BAG THIS
STUFF RIGHT AWAY.

WE'RE GONNA CUT AND BAG THIS
STUFF RIGHT AWAY.
WE CAN STILL SELL IT TO THE

STUFF RIGHT AWAY.
WE CAN STILL SELL IT TO THE
GRINGOS.

WE CAN STILL SELL IT TO THE
GRINGOS.
BUT, PEDRO, DOESN'T IT CAUSE

GRINGOS.
BUT, PEDRO, DOESN'T IT CAUSE
IRREVERSIBLE LUNG DAMAGE?

BUT, PEDRO, DOESN'T IT CAUSE
IRREVERSIBLE LUNG DAMAGE?
HAVE YOU BEEN READING

IRREVERSIBLE LUNG DAMAGE?
HAVE YOU BEEN READING
NEWSPAPERS AGAIN?

HAVE YOU BEEN READING
NEWSPAPERS AGAIN?
HUH?

NEWSPAPERS AGAIN?
HUH?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, HUH?

HUH?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, HUH?
COME ON, WORK! WORK!

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, HUH?
COME ON, WORK! WORK!
IT'S HARVEST TIME!

COME ON, WORK! WORK!
IT'S HARVEST TIME!
HARVEST TIME!



IT'S HARVEST TIME!
HARVEST TIME!
YES, PARAQUAT DOES AFFECT THE

HARVEST TIME!
YES, PARAQUAT DOES AFFECT THE
QUALITY OF MARIJUANA, BUT IT

YES, PARAQUAT DOES AFFECT THE
QUALITY OF MARIJUANA, BUT IT
DOES NOT AFFECT THE IMPORTATION

QUALITY OF MARIJUANA, BUT IT
DOES NOT AFFECT THE IMPORTATION
AND TRAFFIC.

DOES NOT AFFECT THE IMPORTATION
AND TRAFFIC.
ONE AFTERNOON, FROM THIS

AND TRAFFIC.
ONE AFTERNOON, FROM THIS
SECLUDED VALLEY IN SONORA

ONE AFTERNOON, FROM THIS
SECLUDED VALLEY IN SONORA
PROVINCE, MEXICO, 100 TONS OF

SECLUDED VALLEY IN SONORA
PROVINCE, MEXICO, 100 TONS OF
PARAQUAT-TREATED MARIJUANA WAS

PROVINCE, MEXICO, 100 TONS OF
PARAQUAT-TREATED MARIJUANA WAS
TRANSPORTED BY MULE TO A POINT

PARAQUAT-TREATED MARIJUANA WAS
TRANSPORTED BY MULE TO A POINT
30 MILES SOUTH OF THE

TRANSPORTED BY MULE TO A POINT
30 MILES SOUTH OF THE
UNITED STATES BORDER AT YORTCH,

30 MILES SOUTH OF THE
UNITED STATES BORDER AT YORTCH,
TEXAS.

UNITED STATES BORDER AT YORTCH,
TEXAS.
HERE, 50 TONS WAS TRANSFERRED TO

TEXAS.
HERE, 50 TONS WAS TRANSFERRED TO
SIX CONVERTED LOCKHEED HUDSON

HERE, 50 TONS WAS TRANSFERRED TO
SIX CONVERTED LOCKHEED HUDSON
C-40 TRANSPORT PLANES WITH

SIX CONVERTED LOCKHEED HUDSON
C-40 TRANSPORT PLANES WITH
FLIGHT PLANS FOR THE AMERICAN

C-40 TRANSPORT PLANES WITH
FLIGHT PLANS FOR THE AMERICAN
MIDWEST.

FLIGHT PLANS FOR THE AMERICAN
MIDWEST.
SIX HOURS LATER, THE SIX

MIDWEST.
SIX HOURS LATER, THE SIX
CANNABIS-CARRYING TRANSPORT

SIX HOURS LATER, THE SIX
CANNABIS-CARRYING TRANSPORT
PLANES TOUCHED DOWN SAFELY IN

CANNABIS-CARRYING TRANSPORT
PLANES TOUCHED DOWN SAFELY IN
THE WHEAT FIELD OF A HIGH-VOLUME

PLANES TOUCHED DOWN SAFELY IN
THE WHEAT FIELD OF A HIGH-VOLUME
DEALER NEAR PICKTON, KANSAS,

THE WHEAT FIELD OF A HIGH-VOLUME
DEALER NEAR PICKTON, KANSAS,
WHERE MOST OF THE PAYLOAD WAS

DEALER NEAR PICKTON, KANSAS,
WHERE MOST OF THE PAYLOAD WAS
SEIZED BY FEDERAL AND STATE LAW

WHERE MOST OF THE PAYLOAD WAS
SEIZED BY FEDERAL AND STATE LAW
ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS ACTING ON

SEIZED BY FEDERAL AND STATE LAW
ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS ACTING ON
AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOR'S TIP.

ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS ACTING ON
AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOR'S TIP.
BUT BEFORE THE LAWMEN COULD

AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOR'S TIP.
BUT BEFORE THE LAWMEN COULD
SURROUND THE AREA, 10 TONS WERE

BUT BEFORE THE LAWMEN COULD
SURROUND THE AREA, 10 TONS WERE
CONCEALED IN A REFRIGERATED

SURROUND THE AREA, 10 TONS WERE
CONCEALED IN A REFRIGERATED
TRACTOR-TRAILER UNIT HAULING A

CONCEALED IN A REFRIGERATED
TRACTOR-TRAILER UNIT HAULING A
LOAD OF FRESH ZUCCHINI.

TRACTOR-TRAILER UNIT HAULING A
LOAD OF FRESH ZUCCHINI.
AGRICULTURAL OFFICIALS STOPPED

LOAD OF FRESH ZUCCHINI.
AGRICULTURAL OFFICIALS STOPPED
THE TRACTOR TRAILER AT

AGRICULTURAL OFFICIALS STOPPED
THE TRACTOR TRAILER AT
BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY, AND,

THE TRACTOR TRAILER AT
BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY, AND,
WHILE MAKING A RANDOM

BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY, AND,
WHILE MAKING A RANDOM
INSPECTION, THEY DISCOVERED THE

WHILE MAKING A RANDOM
INSPECTION, THEY DISCOVERED THE
MARIJUANA IN THE ZUCCHINI.

INSPECTION, THEY DISCOVERED THE
MARIJUANA IN THE ZUCCHINI.
OF THE 10 TONS ON THAT TRUCK, 9

MARIJUANA IN THE ZUCCHINI.
OF THE 10 TONS ON THAT TRUCK, 9
WERE SEIZED BY DRUG ENFORCEMENT

OF THE 10 TONS ON THAT TRUCK, 9
WERE SEIZED BY DRUG ENFORCEMENT
AGENCY REPRESENTATIVES, WHO

WERE SEIZED BY DRUG ENFORCEMENT
AGENCY REPRESENTATIVES, WHO
ACCEPTED A LARGE BRIBE TO LET

AGENCY REPRESENTATIVES, WHO
ACCEPTED A LARGE BRIBE TO LET
THE ONLY REMAINING TON LEAVE THE

ACCEPTED A LARGE BRIBE TO LET
THE ONLY REMAINING TON LEAVE THE
STATE SAFELY IN A CUSTOMIZED

THE ONLY REMAINING TON LEAVE THE
STATE SAFELY IN A CUSTOMIZED
VAN.

STATE SAFELY IN A CUSTOMIZED
VAN.
THIS SHIPMENT WAS DELIVERED TO A

VAN.
THIS SHIPMENT WAS DELIVERED TO A
PROFESSIONAL CANNABIS BROKER IN

THIS SHIPMENT WAS DELIVERED TO A
PROFESSIONAL CANNABIS BROKER IN
MACON, GEORGIA.

PROFESSIONAL CANNABIS BROKER IN
MACON, GEORGIA.
THIS BROKER SUBSEQUENTLY SOLD

MACON, GEORGIA.
THIS BROKER SUBSEQUENTLY SOLD
TWO POUNDS TO A BLACK MUSICIAN

THIS BROKER SUBSEQUENTLY SOLD
TWO POUNDS TO A BLACK MUSICIAN
WHO RETURNED TO NEW YORK CITY.

TWO POUNDS TO A BLACK MUSICIAN
WHO RETURNED TO NEW YORK CITY.
THE MUSICIAN TOOK SOME

WHO RETURNED TO NEW YORK CITY.
THE MUSICIAN TOOK SOME
PARAQUAT-TREATED JOINTS TO WORK

THE MUSICIAN TOOK SOME
PARAQUAT-TREATED JOINTS TO WORK
ONE NIGHT AND PASSED ONE OF THEM

PARAQUAT-TREATED JOINTS TO WORK
ONE NIGHT AND PASSED ONE OF THEM
TO A YOUNG ACTOR.

ONE NIGHT AND PASSED ONE OF THEM
TO A YOUNG ACTOR.
ARE YOU SURE THIS STUFF IS

TO A YOUNG ACTOR.
ARE YOU SURE THIS STUFF IS
OKAY?

ARE YOU SURE THIS STUFF IS
OKAY?
OH, YES, MAN, I SWEAR IT'S

OKAY?
OH, YES, MAN, I SWEAR IT'S
COLUMBIAN.

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[CHOKES, COUGHS]
[Raspy voice] LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

[Raspy voice] LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S...

STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS...

JOHN BELUSHI...

JANE CURTIN...

GARRETT MORRIS...

BILL MURRAY...

LARAINE NEWMAN...

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
RICHARD DREYFUSS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
I FEEL REALLY STUPID.

THANK YOU.
I FEEL REALLY STUPID.
I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP.

I FEEL REALLY STUPID.
I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP.
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD EXPLAIN THIS.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP.
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD EXPLAIN THIS.
UM, SEE, I JUST WANTED TO COME

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD EXPLAIN THIS.
UM, SEE, I JUST WANTED TO COME
OUT HERE AT THIS PART OF THE

UM, SEE, I JUST WANTED TO COME
OUT HERE AT THIS PART OF THE
SHOW AND TALK TO YOU AS MYSELF.

OUT HERE AT THIS PART OF THE
SHOW AND TALK TO YOU AS MYSELF.
BUT A CERTAIN

SHOW AND TALK TO YOU AS MYSELF.
BUT A CERTAIN
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER

BUT A CERTAIN
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER
SAID THAT "PEOPLE ARE GONNA

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER
SAID THAT "PEOPLE ARE GONNA
WANT TO SEE YOU ACT.

SAID THAT "PEOPLE ARE GONNA
WANT TO SEE YOU ACT.
AFTER ALL, NOT EVERY ONE OF OUR

WANT TO SEE YOU ACT.
AFTER ALL, NOT EVERY ONE OF OUR
HOSTS HAS WON THE ACADEMY

AFTER ALL, NOT EVERY ONE OF OUR
HOSTS HAS WON THE ACADEMY
AWARD," WHICH IS TRUE.

HOSTS HAS WON THE ACADEMY
AWARD," WHICH IS TRUE.
AND ANYWAY, THIS CERTAIN

AWARD," WHICH IS TRUE.
AND ANYWAY, THIS CERTAIN
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER

AND ANYWAY, THIS CERTAIN
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER
SAID THAT SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYER
SAID THAT SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T
THINK I DESERVED THE OSCAR.

SAID THAT SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T
THINK I DESERVED THE OSCAR.
SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT

THINK I DESERVED THE OSCAR.
SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT
RICHARD BURTON DESERVED THE

SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT
RICHARD BURTON DESERVED THE
OSCAR... SAID RICHARD BURTON WAS

RICHARD BURTON DESERVED THE
OSCAR... SAID RICHARD BURTON WAS
GREAT IN "HAMLET," YOU KNOW, AND

OSCAR... SAID RICHARD BURTON WAS
GREAT IN "HAMLET," YOU KNOW, AND
SAID, "IF YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD

GREAT IN "HAMLET," YOU KNOW, AND
SAID, "IF YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD
ACTOR, LET'S SEE YOU DO HAMLET."

SAID, "IF YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD
ACTOR, LET'S SEE YOU DO HAMLET."
SO I SAID, "I DON'T THINK I HAVE

ACTOR, LET'S SEE YOU DO HAMLET."
SO I SAID, "I DON'T THINK I HAVE
TO PROVE ANYTHING JUST BECAUSE I

SO I SAID, "I DON'T THINK I HAVE
TO PROVE ANYTHING JUST BECAUSE I
WON THE ACADEMY AWARD."

TO PROVE ANYTHING JUST BECAUSE I
WON THE ACADEMY AWARD."
AND HE SAID, "YOU MEAN YOU ARE

WON THE ACADEMY AWARD."
AND HE SAID, "YOU MEAN YOU ARE
SUPPOSEDLY THE BEST ACTOR IN THE

AND HE SAID, "YOU MEAN YOU ARE
SUPPOSEDLY THE BEST ACTOR IN THE
WORLD, AND YOU'RE AFRAID TO PLAY

SUPPOSEDLY THE BEST ACTOR IN THE
WORLD, AND YOU'RE AFRAID TO PLAY
HAMLET?"

WORLD, AND YOU'RE AFRAID TO PLAY
HAMLET?"
SO I SAID, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT,

HAMLET?"
SO I SAID, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT.

SO I SAID, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT.
I'M NOT THE BEST ACTOR IN THE

HOLD IT.
I'M NOT THE BEST ACTOR IN THE
WORLD, BUT I'M NOT AFRAID TO

I'M NOT THE BEST ACTOR IN THE
WORLD, BUT I'M NOT AFRAID TO
PLAY ANYTHING, JOHN."

WORLD, BUT I'M NOT AFRAID TO
PLAY ANYTHING, JOHN."
SO, CLEARLY, I WALKED RIGHT INTO

PLAY ANYTHING, JOHN."
SO, CLEARLY, I WALKED RIGHT INTO
IT HERE.

SO, CLEARLY, I WALKED RIGHT INTO
IT HERE.
AND, UH, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

IT HERE.
AND, UH, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TO

AND, UH, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TO
DO THIS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TO
DO THIS.
HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY, ACT III,

DO THIS.
HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY, ACT III,
SCENE I, BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY, ACT III,
SCENE I, BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
[SIGHS]

SCENE I, BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
TO BE... OR NOT TO BE?

[LAUGHTER]
TO BE... OR NOT TO BE?
THAT IS THE QUESTION.

TO BE... OR NOT TO BE?
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND

THAT IS THE QUESTION.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND
TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS

WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND
TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS
OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE... OR TO

TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS
OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE... OR TO
TAKE ARMS... AGAINST A SEA OF

OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE... OR TO
TAKE ARMS... AGAINST A SEA OF
TROUBLES AND, BY OPPOSING, END

TAKE ARMS... AGAINST A SEA OF
TROUBLES AND, BY OPPOSING, END
THEM?

TROUBLES AND, BY OPPOSING, END
THEM?
TO DIE, TO SLEEP.

THEM?
TO DIE, TO SLEEP.
[LAUGHTER]

TO DIE, TO SLEEP.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
TO DIE, TO SLEEP.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?
TO DIE, TO SLEEP.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

TO DIE, TO SLEEP.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I'M JUST GIVING YOU THE LINE,

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I'M JUST GIVING YOU THE LINE,
RICHARD.

I'M JUST GIVING YOU THE LINE,
RICHARD.
I COULD SEE YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

RICHARD.
I COULD SEE YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
OH, NO, NO, NO.

I COULD SEE YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I WAS NOT IN TROUBLE.

OH, NO, NO, NO.
I WAS NOT IN TROUBLE.
WELL, THERE WAS THAT LONG GAP

I WAS NOT IN TROUBLE.
WELL, THERE WAS THAT LONG GAP
THERE.

WELL, THERE WAS THAT LONG GAP
THERE.
I FIGURED YOU FORGOT YOUR LINES.

THERE.
I FIGURED YOU FORGOT YOUR LINES.
NO, THERE WAS NOT A GAP,

I FIGURED YOU FORGOT YOUR LINES.
NO, THERE WAS NOT A GAP,
JOHN.

NO, THERE WAS NOT A GAP,
JOHN.
IT WAS A DRAMATIC PAUSE.

JOHN.
IT WAS A DRAMATIC PAUSE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A WAY OF

IT WAS A DRAMATIC PAUSE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A WAY OF
COMMUNICATING TO THE AUDIENCE

YOU KNOW, IT'S A WAY OF
COMMUNICATING TO THE AUDIENCE
THE MEANING OF THE WORDS, AND

COMMUNICATING TO THE AUDIENCE
THE MEANING OF THE WORDS, AND
YOU RUINED IT.

THE MEANING OF THE WORDS, AND
YOU RUINED IT.
YOU BLEW THE MOMENT FOR ME.

YOU RUINED IT.
YOU BLEW THE MOMENT FOR ME.
WELL, HEY, LOOK... ALL I KNOW

YOU BLEW THE MOMENT FOR ME.
WELL, HEY, LOOK... ALL I KNOW
IS I SAW A FELLOW ACTOR IN

WELL, HEY, LOOK... ALL I KNOW
IS I SAW A FELLOW ACTOR IN
TROUBLE, AND I CAME OUT TO HELP

IS I SAW A FELLOW ACTOR IN
TROUBLE, AND I CAME OUT TO HELP
YOU.

TROUBLE, AND I CAME OUT TO HELP
YOU.
SILENCE IS NOT TROUBLE, JOHN.

YOU.
SILENCE IS NOT TROUBLE, JOHN.
SILENCE IS NOT TROUBLE.

SILENCE IS NOT TROUBLE, JOHN.
SILENCE IS NOT TROUBLE.
SOMETIMES, A MOMENT FILLED WITH

SILENCE IS NOT TROUBLE.
SOMETIMES, A MOMENT FILLED WITH
SILENCE CAN SAY A LOT MORE THAN

SOMETIMES, A MOMENT FILLED WITH
SILENCE CAN SAY A LOT MORE THAN
A MOMENT FILLED WITH WORDS.

SILENCE CAN SAY A LOT MORE THAN
A MOMENT FILLED WITH WORDS.
OKAY, OKAY.

A MOMENT FILLED WITH WORDS.
OKAY, OKAY.
I KNOW YOU DON'T DO TV.

OKAY, OKAY.
I KNOW YOU DON'T DO TV.
I THOUGHT YOU JUST LOST YOUR

I KNOW YOU DON'T DO TV.
I THOUGHT YOU JUST LOST YOUR
PLACE IN THE CUE CARDS.

I THOUGHT YOU JUST LOST YOUR
PLACE IN THE CUE CARDS.
THAT'S ALL.

PLACE IN THE CUE CARDS.
THAT'S ALL.
I DON'T USE CUE CARDS, JOHN.

THAT'S ALL.
I DON'T USE CUE CARDS, JOHN.
AND WHEN I'M DOING SHAKESPEARE,

I DON'T USE CUE CARDS, JOHN.
AND WHEN I'M DOING SHAKESPEARE,
ACTORS WHO DO SHAKESPEARE DO NOT

AND WHEN I'M DOING SHAKESPEARE,
ACTORS WHO DO SHAKESPEARE DO NOT
USE CUE CARDS.

ACTORS WHO DO SHAKESPEARE DO NOT
USE CUE CARDS.
YOU KNOW?

USE CUE CARDS.
YOU KNOW?
OOOOOH, SHAKESPEARE.

YOU KNOW?
OOOOOH, SHAKESPEARE.
WELL, WHAT DO I KNOW, HUH?

OOOOOH, SHAKESPEARE.
WELL, WHAT DO I KNOW, HUH?
I'M JUST A SLEAZY, LATE-NIGHT-TV

WELL, WHAT DO I KNOW, HUH?
I'M JUST A SLEAZY, LATE-NIGHT-TV
ACTOR, IS THAT IT?

I'M JUST A SLEAZY, LATE-NIGHT-TV
ACTOR, IS THAT IT?
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

ACTOR, IS THAT IT?
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
OH, NO, WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
OH, NO, WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT
SHAKESPEARE, HUH?

OH, NO, WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT
SHAKESPEARE, HUH?
MR. OSCAR.

SHAKESPEARE, HUH?
MR. OSCAR.
MR. "BEST ACTOR."

MR. OSCAR.
MR. "BEST ACTOR."
NOW, RICHARD BURTON...

MR. "BEST ACTOR."
NOW, RICHARD BURTON...
THERE'S AN ACTOR.

NOW, RICHARD BURTON...
THERE'S AN ACTOR.
HE DID HAMLET.

THERE'S AN ACTOR.
HE DID HAMLET.
WHEN HE DID HAMLET, HE WAS

HE DID HAMLET.
WHEN HE DID HAMLET, HE WAS
GREAT.

WHEN HE DID HAMLET, HE WAS
GREAT.
HE DIDN'T HAVE TO USE ANY

GREAT.
HE DIDN'T HAVE TO USE ANY
PAUSES.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO USE ANY
PAUSES.
BUT HE TAKES ONE DRINK, AND

PAUSES.
BUT HE TAKES ONE DRINK, AND
HOLLYWOOD BLACKBALLS HIM.

BUT HE TAKES ONE DRINK, AND
HOLLYWOOD BLACKBALLS HIM.
HUH, MR. NEW HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD BLACKBALLS HIM.
HUH, MR. NEW HOLLYWOOD
ESTABLISHMENT?

HUH, MR. NEW HOLLYWOOD
ESTABLISHMENT?
YOU KNOW, AT LEAST WHEN

ESTABLISHMENT?
YOU KNOW, AT LEAST WHEN
GEORGE C. SCOTT WON THE OSCAR,

YOU KNOW, AT LEAST WHEN
GEORGE C. SCOTT WON THE OSCAR,
HE DIDN'T ACCEPT IT.

GEORGE C. SCOTT WON THE OSCAR,
HE DIDN'T ACCEPT IT.
YOU KNOW, MARLON BRANDO SENT UP

HE DIDN'T ACCEPT IT.
YOU KNOW, MARLON BRANDO SENT UP
AN INDIAN.

YOU KNOW, MARLON BRANDO SENT UP
AN INDIAN.
NOW, YOU COULD HAVE SENT UP AN

AN INDIAN.
NOW, YOU COULD HAVE SENT UP AN
INDIAN, BUT NO-O-O-O-O.

NOW, YOU COULD HAVE SENT UP AN
INDIAN, BUT NO-O-O-O-O.
YOU RUN UP THERE, YOU GO, "WELL,

INDIAN, BUT NO-O-O-O-O.
YOU RUN UP THERE, YOU GO, "WELL,
OH, BOY, I COULD STAY UP HERE

YOU RUN UP THERE, YOU GO, "WELL,
OH, BOY, I COULD STAY UP HERE
ALL NIGHT.

OH, BOY, I COULD STAY UP HERE
ALL NIGHT.
HEY-HEY."

ALL NIGHT.
HEY-HEY."
WELL, MAYBE I'M JUST A

HEY-HEY."
WELL, MAYBE I'M JUST A
STRUGGLING TV ACTOR, RIGHT?

WELL, MAYBE I'M JUST A
STRUGGLING TV ACTOR, RIGHT?
MAYBE I DIDN'T WIN THE OSCAR.

STRUGGLING TV ACTOR, RIGHT?
MAYBE I DIDN'T WIN THE OSCAR.
MAYBE I HAVE TO WORK EVERY WEEK

MAYBE I DIDN'T WIN THE OSCAR.
MAYBE I HAVE TO WORK EVERY WEEK
JUST TO KEEP MY FAMILY IN

MAYBE I HAVE TO WORK EVERY WEEK
JUST TO KEEP MY FAMILY IN
CLOTHES AND DRUGS, YOU KNOW,

JUST TO KEEP MY FAMILY IN
CLOTHES AND DRUGS, YOU KNOW,
BUT... MAYBE I DON'T KNOW THAT

CLOTHES AND DRUGS, YOU KNOW,
BUT... MAYBE I DON'T KNOW THAT
MUCH ABOUT SHAKESPEARE.

BUT... MAYBE I DON'T KNOW THAT
MUCH ABOUT SHAKESPEARE.
YOU KNOW?

MUCH ABOUT SHAKESPEARE.
YOU KNOW?
OR ABOUT PAUSING OR ENGLAND.

YOU KNOW?
OR ABOUT PAUSING OR ENGLAND.
BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING.

OR ABOUT PAUSING OR ENGLAND.
BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING.
YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS OSCAR.

BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING.
YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS OSCAR.
UGH!

TO BE... OR...
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

A TRAIN TRANSPORTING THE
RESERVES OF U.S. ARMY NERVE GAS
DERAILED TODAY NEAR

RESERVES OF U.S. ARMY NERVE GAS
DERAILED TODAY NEAR
DEVILS TOWER, WYOMING.

DERAILED TODAY NEAR
DEVILS TOWER, WYOMING.
THE ARMY HAS EVACUATED THOUSANDS

DEVILS TOWER, WYOMING.
THE ARMY HAS EVACUATED THOUSANDS
OF RESIDENTS...

THE ARMY HAS EVACUATED THOUSANDS
OF RESIDENTS...
IT'S NOT RIGHT!

OF RESIDENTS...
IT'S NOT RIGHT!
IT'S NOT RIGHT!

IT'S NOT RIGHT!
IT'S NOT RIGHT!
STILL NOT RIGHT!

THAT'S IT.
YEAH.
THAT'S IT.

YEAH.
THAT'S IT.
I... I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
WHERE ARE YOU?

HELLO?
WHERE ARE YOU?
AT YOUR SISTER'S?

WHERE ARE YOU?
AT YOUR SISTER'S?
WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?

AT YOUR SISTER'S?
WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?
NO.

WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?
NO.
I'M NOT CRAZY.

NO.
I'M NOT CRAZY.
RONNIE, LISTEN... I KNOW I SAW

I'M NOT CRAZY.
RONNIE, LISTEN... I KNOW I SAW
SOMETHING THE OTHER NIGHT.

RONNIE, LISTEN... I KNOW I SAW
SOMETHING THE OTHER NIGHT.
NAH.

SOMETHING THE OTHER NIGHT.
NAH.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING

NAH.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING
ON.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING
ON.
IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH

ON.
IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH
THAT?

IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH
THAT?
LOOK, HEY, RONNIE, EVERYONE HAS

THAT?
LOOK, HEY, RONNIE, EVERYONE HAS
BAD DAYS, YOU KNOW?

LOOK, HEY, RONNIE, EVERYONE HAS
BAD DAYS, YOU KNOW?
RONNIE, WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?

BAD DAYS, YOU KNOW?
RONNIE, WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?
I'M NOT NUTS!

RONNIE, WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?
I'M NOT NUTS!
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU

I'M NOT NUTS!
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU
DESIRED THE INDEPENDENCE OF...

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU
DESIRED THE INDEPENDENCE OF...
I'LL CALL YOU BACK!

DESIRED THE INDEPENDENCE OF...
I'LL CALL YOU BACK!
LEARN TO DRIVE WITH

I'LL CALL YOU BACK!
LEARN TO DRIVE WITH
NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOLS.

LEARN TO DRIVE WITH
NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOLS.
ALL OF NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOL

NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOLS.
ALL OF NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOL
INSTRUCTORS HAVE TAUGHT HUNDREDS

ALL OF NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOL
INSTRUCTORS HAVE TAUGHT HUNDREDS
OF INCOMPETENT HUMANS TO OPERATE

INSTRUCTORS HAVE TAUGHT HUNDREDS
OF INCOMPETENT HUMANS TO OPERATE
AND GUIDE THEIR VEHICLES SAFELY

OF INCOMPETENT HUMANS TO OPERATE
AND GUIDE THEIR VEHICLES SAFELY
DOWN THE CONCRETE RIBBONS WHICH

AND GUIDE THEIR VEHICLES SAFELY
DOWN THE CONCRETE RIBBONS WHICH
SPAN THE CONTINENT.

SPAN THE CONTINENT.
THIS SIMPLE SKILL CAN BE YOURS

THIS SIMPLE SKILL CAN BE YOURS
IF YOU CALL NATIONAL DRIVING

IF YOU CALL NATIONAL DRIVING
SCHOOLS.

SCHOOLS.
NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOLS...

NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOLS...
WE'RE THE BEST BECAUSE ALL WE

WE'RE THE BEST BECAUSE ALL WE
DO IS DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE.

DO IS DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE.
♪ NATIONAL DRIVING SCHOOLS ♪

Both: OH, WELL DONE.
WELL DONE.
DADDY, YOU WERE VERY GOOD.

WELL DONE.
DADDY, YOU WERE VERY GOOD.
BELDAR, YOUR COMMERCIAL

DADDY, YOU WERE VERY GOOD.
BELDAR, YOUR COMMERCIAL
MESSAGE HAS APPEARED ON THE ION

BELDAR, YOUR COMMERCIAL
MESSAGE HAS APPEARED ON THE ION
BOMBARDMENT TUBE.

MESSAGE HAS APPEARED ON THE ION
BOMBARDMENT TUBE.
IT WAS FAR-OUT.

BOMBARDMENT TUBE.
IT WAS FAR-OUT.
YOUR CONE APPEARS LARGER ON

IT WAS FAR-OUT.
YOUR CONE APPEARS LARGER ON
THE ION TUBE.

YOUR CONE APPEARS LARGER ON
THE ION TUBE.
IT DOES NOT MATTER.

THE ION TUBE.
IT DOES NOT MATTER.
NOTHING MATTERS.

IT DOES NOT MATTER.
NOTHING MATTERS.
I HAVE RECEIVED A VITAL

NOTHING MATTERS.
I HAVE RECEIVED A VITAL
COMMUNICATION FROM REMULAC.

I HAVE RECEIVED A VITAL
COMMUNICATION FROM REMULAC.
THE HIGH MASTER IS COMING TO

COMMUNICATION FROM REMULAC.
THE HIGH MASTER IS COMING TO
EARTH.

THE HIGH MASTER IS COMING TO
EARTH.
HE WISHES TO INSPECT THE STAR

EARTH.
HE WISHES TO INSPECT THE STAR
CRUISER REFUELING STATION WHICH

HE WISHES TO INSPECT THE STAR
CRUISER REFUELING STATION WHICH
WE WERE SENT TO INSTALL HERE ON

CRUISER REFUELING STATION WHICH
WE WERE SENT TO INSTALL HERE ON
THIS MISERABLE PLANET.

WE WERE SENT TO INSTALL HERE ON
THIS MISERABLE PLANET.
Both: OH, NO!

THIS MISERABLE PLANET.
Both: OH, NO!
YES.

Both: OH, NO!
YES.
THE IMPULSES FROM THE MONOTRON

YES.
THE IMPULSES FROM THE MONOTRON
CRYSTAL INDICATE THAT HIS STAR

THE IMPULSES FROM THE MONOTRON
CRYSTAL INDICATE THAT HIS STAR
CRUISER HAS ALREADY ENTERED THE

CRYSTAL INDICATE THAT HIS STAR
CRUISER HAS ALREADY ENTERED THE
EARTH'S TROPOSPHERE.

BELDAR, THE HIGH MASTER

EXPECTS TO SEE A FULLY

OPERATIONAL PROTOID REFUELING

STATION.

WE HAVE DONE NOTHING TO

ACCOMPLISH THIS MISSION.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

WE HAVE NOT YET EVEN SEIZED

THE PLANET!

YOU SAID THE HIGH MASTER WOULD

NOT VISIT US FOR AT LEAST 300

YEARS.

HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT
OPKON THE LUCID WOULD SECEDE
WITH THE INSURGENTS OF THE

OPKON THE LUCID WOULD SECEDE
WITH THE INSURGENTS OF THE
MULDREED NEBULA?

WITH THE INSURGENTS OF THE
MULDREED NEBULA?
OH, BOY.

MULDREED NEBULA?
OH, BOY.
LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS, PARENTAL

OH, BOY.
LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS, PARENTAL
UNITS.

LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS, PARENTAL
UNITS.
YOU REALLY BLEW IT.

UNITS.
YOU REALLY BLEW IT.
YOUNG ONE, YOUR CONE IS ALSO

YOU REALLY BLEW IT.
YOUNG ONE, YOUR CONE IS ALSO
ON THE BLOCK.

YOUNG ONE, YOUR CONE IS ALSO
ON THE BLOCK.
BELDAR, IT WAS YOU WHO LOST

ON THE BLOCK.
BELDAR, IT WAS YOU WHO LOST
THE SPEECH!

BELDAR, IT WAS YOU WHO LOST
THE SPEECH!
IT WAS YOU WHO PLUNGED OUR

THE SPEECH!
IT WAS YOU WHO PLUNGED OUR
STAR CRUISER INTO LAKE MICHIGAN!

IT WAS YOU WHO PLUNGED OUR
STAR CRUISER INTO LAKE MICHIGAN!
MIPS!

STAR CRUISER INTO LAKE MICHIGAN!
MIPS!
MIPS!

MIPS!
MIPS!
MIPS!

MIPS!
MIPS!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

MIPS!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[ALL GROAN]

[DOORBELL RINGS]
[ALL GROAN]
A HUMAN.

[ALL GROAN]
A HUMAN.
GREETINGS. GO AWAY.

A HUMAN.
GREETINGS. GO AWAY.
YOU'RE THE GUY.

GREETINGS. GO AWAY.
YOU'RE THE GUY.
YOU'RE THE GUY ON THE TV

YOU'RE THE GUY.
YOU'RE THE GUY ON THE TV
COMMERCIAL.

YOU'RE THE GUY ON THE TV
COMMERCIAL.
NO. NO DRIVING LESSONS TODAY.

COMMERCIAL.
NO. NO DRIVING LESSONS TODAY.
GO AWAY.

NO. NO DRIVING LESSONS TODAY.
GO AWAY.
NO.

GO AWAY.
NO.
NO, I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO

NO.
NO, I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO
YOU.

NO, I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO
YOU.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

YOU.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
I DON'T KNOW YET EXACTLY WHAT IT

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
I DON'T KNOW YET EXACTLY WHAT IT
IS, BUT I JUST KNOW IT'S

I DON'T KNOW YET EXACTLY WHAT IT
IS, BUT I JUST KNOW IT'S
IMPORTANT, AND I HAD TO COME

IS, BUT I JUST KNOW IT'S
IMPORTANT, AND I HAD TO COME
HERE.

IMPORTANT, AND I HAD TO COME
HERE.
LOOK, MAN, YOU HAD BETTER

HERE.
LOOK, MAN, YOU HAD BETTER
SPLIT.

LOOK, MAN, YOU HAD BETTER
SPLIT.
SOMETHING REALLY HEAVY IS COMING

SPLIT.
SOMETHING REALLY HEAVY IS COMING
DOWN HERE.

SOMETHING REALLY HEAVY IS COMING
DOWN HERE.
I KNOW.

DOWN HERE.
I KNOW.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

I KNOW.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
TELL ME WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
TELL ME WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
LISTEN, WHY DO I FEEL AS IF I

TELL ME WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
LISTEN, WHY DO I FEEL AS IF I
KNOW YOU?

LISTEN, WHY DO I FEEL AS IF I
KNOW YOU?
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

KNOW YOU?
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
WE ARE CONEHEADS FROM

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
WE ARE CONEHEADS FROM
REMULAC.

WE ARE CONEHEADS FROM
REMULAC.
REMULAC? WHERE'S REMULAC?

REMULAC.
REMULAC? WHERE'S REMULAC?
[RUMBLING]

REMULAC? WHERE'S REMULAC?
[RUMBLING]
IN FRANCE.

[RUMBLING]
IN FRANCE.
WE COME FROM FRANCE.

IN FRANCE.
WE COME FROM FRANCE.
FRANCE? WHAT PART OF FRANCE?

WE COME FROM FRANCE.
FRANCE? WHAT PART OF FRANCE?
IT IS TOO LATE FOR THE HUMAN

FRANCE? WHAT PART OF FRANCE?
IT IS TOO LATE FOR THE HUMAN
TO LEAVE.

IT IS TOO LATE FOR THE HUMAN
TO LEAVE.
THE HIGH MASTER HAS ARRIVED.

I AM MERKON FROM REMULAC.
ALL HAIL KULDROTH, THE
HIGH MASTER.

ALL HAIL KULDROTH, THE
HIGH MASTER.
YECHBAAT. CLATO. FARBAAT.

HIGH MASTER.
YECHBAAT. CLATO. FARBAAT.
GREETINGS, BELDAR, PRYMAAT.

YECHBAAT. CLATO. FARBAAT.
GREETINGS, BELDAR, PRYMAAT.
MM. YOUR YOUNG ONE IS GROWING

GREETINGS, BELDAR, PRYMAAT.
MM. YOUR YOUNG ONE IS GROWING
INTO A BEAUTIFUL COROTHMAAR.

MM. YOUR YOUNG ONE IS GROWING
INTO A BEAUTIFUL COROTHMAAR.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE A

INTO A BEAUTIFUL COROTHMAAR.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE A
COROTHMAAR.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE A
COROTHMAAR.
WAIT A MINUTE!

COROTHMAAR.
WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW.
IT'S YOUR HEADS!

I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW.
IT'S YOUR HEADS!
IT'S THE WEIRD SHAPE OF YOUR

IT'S YOUR HEADS!
IT'S THE WEIRD SHAPE OF YOUR
HEADS.

IT'S THE WEIRD SHAPE OF YOUR
HEADS.
AND THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS

HEADS.
AND THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS
OUTSIDE... YOU'RE NOT FROM

AND THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS
OUTSIDE... YOU'RE NOT FROM
FRANCE.

OUTSIDE... YOU'RE NOT FROM
FRANCE.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN FROM EUROPE.

FRANCE.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN FROM EUROPE.
THIS HUMAN... IS HE THE

YOU'RE NOT EVEN FROM EUROPE.
THIS HUMAN... IS HE THE
LEADER OF THE UNITED NATION

THIS HUMAN... IS HE THE
LEADER OF THE UNITED NATION
WHO'S HERE TO CONVEY MY MESSAGE

LEADER OF THE UNITED NATION
WHO'S HERE TO CONVEY MY MESSAGE
TO THE PEOPLE OF EARTH?

WHO'S HERE TO CONVEY MY MESSAGE
TO THE PEOPLE OF EARTH?
NO.

TO THE PEOPLE OF EARTH?
NO.
BELDAR, IS THIS THE PROTOID

NO.
BELDAR, IS THIS THE PROTOID
STATION?

BELDAR, IS THIS THE PROTOID
STATION?
SHOW ME THE BEEVGON NARCHES FOR

STATION?
SHOW ME THE BEEVGON NARCHES FOR
DOCKING THE STAR CRUISERS!

SHOW ME THE BEEVGON NARCHES FOR
DOCKING THE STAR CRUISERS!
WHERE ARE THE FUEL PORTS FOR THE

DOCKING THE STAR CRUISERS!
WHERE ARE THE FUEL PORTS FOR THE
PROTOID PUMPS?!

WHERE ARE THE FUEL PORTS FOR THE
PROTOID PUMPS?!
UH, KULDROTH, WE DEEMED IT

PROTOID PUMPS?!
UH, KULDROTH, WE DEEMED IT
WISE NOT TO COMPLETE ALL OF THE

UH, KULDROTH, WE DEEMED IT
WISE NOT TO COMPLETE ALL OF THE
REFUELING STRUCTURES UNTIL WE

WISE NOT TO COMPLETE ALL OF THE
REFUELING STRUCTURES UNTIL WE
WERE SURE THAT THE HUMAN WE

REFUELING STRUCTURES UNTIL WE
WERE SURE THAT THE HUMAN WE
SELECTED TO BE THE SUPREME

WERE SURE THAT THE HUMAN WE
SELECTED TO BE THE SUPREME
REFUELING ATTENDANT, UH, TO HAVE

SELECTED TO BE THE SUPREME
REFUELING ATTENDANT, UH, TO HAVE
BEEN CORRECTLY TRAINED.

REFUELING ATTENDANT, UH, TO HAVE
BEEN CORRECTLY TRAINED.
SUPREME ATTENDANT?

BEEN CORRECTLY TRAINED.
SUPREME ATTENDANT?
UH, YES.

SUPREME ATTENDANT?
UH, YES.
THE SUPREME REFUELING ATTENDANT

UH, YES.
THE SUPREME REFUELING ATTENDANT
FOR PROTOID STATION EARTH.

THE SUPREME REFUELING ATTENDANT
FOR PROTOID STATION EARTH.
HMM.

FOR PROTOID STATION EARTH.
HMM.
[High-pitched] YOU MEAN ME?

HMM.
[High-pitched] YOU MEAN ME?
YOU HAVE CHO...

[High-pitched] YOU MEAN ME?
YOU HAVE CHO...
[Normal voice] I MEAN, ME?

YOU HAVE CHO...
[Normal voice] I MEAN, ME?
YOU HAVE CHOSEN ME TO BE THE

[Normal voice] I MEAN, ME?
YOU HAVE CHOSEN ME TO BE THE
SUPREME ATTENDANT?

YOU HAVE CHOSEN ME TO BE THE
SUPREME ATTENDANT?
I KNEW IT WAS IMPORTANT!

SUPREME ATTENDANT?
I KNEW IT WAS IMPORTANT!
I UNDERSTAND NOW.

I KNEW IT WAS IMPORTANT!
I UNDERSTAND NOW.
YOU PEOPLE ARE FROM ANOTHER

I UNDERSTAND NOW.
YOU PEOPLE ARE FROM ANOTHER
PLANET.

YOU PEOPLE ARE FROM ANOTHER
PLANET.
MM... YES, INDEED, BELDAR.

PLANET.
MM... YES, INDEED, BELDAR.
BELDAR, THIS HUMAN WILL MAKE A

MM... YES, INDEED, BELDAR.
BELDAR, THIS HUMAN WILL MAKE A
GOOD ATTENDANT.

BELDAR, THIS HUMAN WILL MAKE A
GOOD ATTENDANT.
WE WILL TAKE HIM.

GOOD ATTENDANT.
WE WILL TAKE HIM.
AH, WE WILL TRAIN HIM AND SEND

WE WILL TAKE HIM.
AH, WE WILL TRAIN HIM AND SEND
HIM BACK IN 50 YEARS.

AH, WE WILL TRAIN HIM AND SEND
HIM BACK IN 50 YEARS.
CONTINUE YOUR MISSION.

HIM BACK IN 50 YEARS.
CONTINUE YOUR MISSION.
MERKON, BRING THE HUMAN.

CONTINUE YOUR MISSION.
MERKON, BRING THE HUMAN.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS

MERKON, BRING THE HUMAN.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS
IS REALLY HAPPENING.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS
IS REALLY HAPPENING.
ATTENTION, HUMAN... IT'S

IS REALLY HAPPENING.
ATTENTION, HUMAN... IT'S
REALLY HAPPENING.

ATTENTION, HUMAN... IT'S
REALLY HAPPENING.
THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PROTOID

REALLY HAPPENING.
THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PROTOID
FUEL... SUPER, REGULAR, AND

THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PROTOID
FUEL... SUPER, REGULAR, AND
NOVA-LITE.

FUEL... SUPER, REGULAR, AND
NOVA-LITE.
[High-pitched] YES.

NOVA-LITE.
[High-pitched] YES.
I UNDERSTAND.

[High-pitched] YES.
I UNDERSTAND.
I WILL JOURNEY WITH YOU TO YOUR

I UNDERSTAND.
I WILL JOURNEY WITH YOU TO YOUR
PLANET, REMULAC.

I WILL JOURNEY WITH YOU TO YOUR
PLANET, REMULAC.
YEP.

PLANET, REMULAC.
YEP.
I... I ENVY YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST BROKE HIS LEG A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO, AND HE STILL MANAGED

GUEST BROKE HIS LEG A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO, AND HE STILL MANAGED
TO GET HERE TO DO THE SHOW.

WEEKS AGO, AND HE STILL MANAGED
TO GET HERE TO DO THE SHOW.
WILL YOU PLEASE...

TO GET HERE TO DO THE SHOW.
WILL YOU PLEASE...
[LOW DRONING]

DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING?
NAH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

NAH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JIMMY BUFFET.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JIMMY BUFFET.
[INTRO TO "SON OF A SON

JIMMY BUFFET.
[INTRO TO "SON OF A SON
OF A SAILOR" PLAYS]

♪ AS THE SON OF A SON OF A
SAILOR, I WENT OUT ON THE SEA
FOR ADVENTURE ♪

SAILOR, I WENT OUT ON THE SEA
FOR ADVENTURE ♪
♪ EXPANDING THE VIEW OF THE

FOR ADVENTURE ♪
♪ EXPANDING THE VIEW OF THE
CAPTAIN AND CREW LIKE A MAN JUST

♪ EXPANDING THE VIEW OF THE
CAPTAIN AND CREW LIKE A MAN JUST
RELEASED FROM INDENTURE ♪

CAPTAIN AND CREW LIKE A MAN JUST
RELEASED FROM INDENTURE ♪
♪ AS A DREAMER OF DREAMS AND A

RELEASED FROM INDENTURE ♪
♪ AS A DREAMER OF DREAMS AND A
TRAVELING MAN, I HAVE CHALKED UP

♪ AS A DREAMER OF DREAMS AND A
TRAVELING MAN, I HAVE CHALKED UP
MANY A MILE ♪

TRAVELING MAN, I HAVE CHALKED UP
MANY A MILE ♪
♪ READ DOZENS OF BOOKS ABOUT

MANY A MILE ♪
♪ READ DOZENS OF BOOKS ABOUT
HEROES AND CROOKS, YES, AND

♪ READ DOZENS OF BOOKS ABOUT
HEROES AND CROOKS, YES, AND
LEARNED MUCH FROM BOTH OF THEIR

HEROES AND CROOKS, YES, AND
LEARNED MUCH FROM BOTH OF THEIR
STYLES ♪

LEARNED MUCH FROM BOTH OF THEIR
STYLES ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪

STYLES ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪

♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪

♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪
♪ SON OF A GUN ♪

♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪
♪ SON OF A GUN ♪
♪ LOAD THE LAST TON ♪

♪ SON OF A GUN ♪
♪ LOAD THE LAST TON ♪
♪ ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE JAILER ♪

♪ LOAD THE LAST TON ♪
♪ ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE JAILER ♪
♪ NOW AWAY IN THE NEAR FUTURE

♪ ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE JAILER ♪
♪ NOW AWAY IN THE NEAR FUTURE
SOUTHEAST OF DISORDER ♪

♪ NOW AWAY IN THE NEAR FUTURE
SOUTHEAST OF DISORDER ♪
♪ YOU CAN SHAKE THE HAND OF THE

SOUTHEAST OF DISORDER ♪
♪ YOU CAN SHAKE THE HAND OF THE
MANGO MAN AS HE GREATS YOU AT

♪ YOU CAN SHAKE THE HAND OF THE
MANGO MAN AS HE GREATS YOU AT
THE BORDER ♪

MANGO MAN AS HE GREATS YOU AT
THE BORDER ♪
♪ AND THE LADY, SHE HAILS FROM

THE BORDER ♪
♪ AND THE LADY, SHE HAILS FROM
TRINIDAD, ISLAND OF THE SPICES ♪

♪ AND THE LADY, SHE HAILS FROM
TRINIDAD, ISLAND OF THE SPICES ♪
♪ SALT FOR YOUR MEAT AND

TRINIDAD, ISLAND OF THE SPICES ♪
♪ SALT FOR YOUR MEAT AND
CINNAMON SWEET AND THE RUM IS

♪ SALT FOR YOUR MEAT AND
CINNAMON SWEET AND THE RUM IS
FOR ALL YOUR GOOD VICES ♪

CINNAMON SWEET AND THE RUM IS
FOR ALL YOUR GOOD VICES ♪
♪ HAUL THE SHEET IN AS WE RIDE

FOR ALL YOUR GOOD VICES ♪
♪ HAUL THE SHEET IN AS WE RIDE
ON THE WIND THAT OUR FOREFATHERS

♪ HAUL THE SHEET IN AS WE RIDE
ON THE WIND THAT OUR FOREFATHERS
HARNESSED BEFORE US ♪

ON THE WIND THAT OUR FOREFATHERS
HARNESSED BEFORE US ♪
♪ HEAR THE BELLS RING AS THE

HARNESSED BEFORE US ♪
♪ HEAR THE BELLS RING AS THE
TIGHT RIGGING SINGS ♪

♪ HEAR THE BELLS RING AS THE
TIGHT RIGGING SINGS ♪
♪ IT'S A SON OF A GUN OF A

TIGHT RIGGING SINGS ♪
♪ IT'S A SON OF A GUN OF A
CHORUS ♪

♪ IT'S A SON OF A GUN OF A
CHORUS ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ WHERE IT ALL ENDS I CAN'T
FATHOM, MY FRIENDS ♪
♪ IF I KNEW, I MIGHT TOSS OUT MY

FATHOM, MY FRIENDS ♪
♪ IF I KNEW, I MIGHT TOSS OUT MY
ANCHOR ♪

♪ IF I KNEW, I MIGHT TOSS OUT MY
ANCHOR ♪
♪ SO I'LL CRUISE ALONG ALWAYS

ANCHOR ♪
♪ SO I'LL CRUISE ALONG ALWAYS
SEARCHING FOR SONGS, NOT A

♪ SO I'LL CRUISE ALONG ALWAYS
SEARCHING FOR SONGS, NOT A
LAWYER, A THIEF, OR A BANKER ♪

SEARCHING FOR SONGS, NOT A
LAWYER, A THIEF, OR A BANKER ♪
♪ JUST A SON OF A SON ♪

LAWYER, A THIEF, OR A BANKER ♪
♪ JUST A SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪

♪ JUST A SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪

♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪
♪ SON OF A GUN ♪

♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪
♪ SON OF A GUN ♪
♪ LOAD THE LAST TON ♪

♪ SON OF A GUN ♪
♪ LOAD THE LAST TON ♪
♪ ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE JAILER ♪

♪ LOAD THE LAST TON ♪
♪ ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE JAILER ♪
♪ I'M JUST A SON OF A SON ♪

♪ ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE JAILER ♪
♪ I'M JUST A SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪

♪ I'M JUST A SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪

♪ SON OF A SON ♪
♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪
♪ THIS CAST IS A BORE ♪

♪ SON OF A SON OF A SAILOR ♪
♪ THIS CAST IS A BORE ♪
♪ IT KEEPS DRAGGING THE FLOOR ♪

♪ THIS CAST IS A BORE ♪
♪ IT KEEPS DRAGGING THE FLOOR ♪
♪ AND I FEEL LIKE I'M PULLING A

♪ IT KEEPS DRAGGING THE FLOOR ♪
♪ AND I FEEL LIKE I'M PULLING A
TRAILER ♪

♪ AND I FEEL LIKE I'M PULLING A
TRAILER ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING.
THIS IS RICHARD DREYFUSS.
OUR SHOW IS CALLED

THIS IS RICHARD DREYFUSS.
OUR SHOW IS CALLED
"THE SEX TEST."

OUR SHOW IS CALLED
"THE SEX TEST."
IT IS DESIGNED TO PROMOTE GOOD

"THE SEX TEST."
IT IS DESIGNED TO PROMOTE GOOD
SEXUAL HEALTH BY DEALING WITH

IT IS DESIGNED TO PROMOTE GOOD
SEXUAL HEALTH BY DEALING WITH
SOME OF THE MOST COMMON

SEXUAL HEALTH BY DEALING WITH
SOME OF THE MOST COMMON
QUESTIONS AND MISCONCEPTIONS

SOME OF THE MOST COMMON
QUESTIONS AND MISCONCEPTIONS
SURROUNDING SEX.

QUESTIONS AND MISCONCEPTIONS
SURROUNDING SEX.
WHERE NEEDED, WE'LL HAVE

SURROUNDING SEX.
WHERE NEEDED, WE'LL HAVE
AMPLIFICATION FROM PSYCHOLOGISTS

WHERE NEEDED, WE'LL HAVE
AMPLIFICATION FROM PSYCHOLOGISTS
AND SEX SPECIALISTS.

AMPLIFICATION FROM PSYCHOLOGISTS
AND SEX SPECIALISTS.
SEX IS A DELICATE SUBJECT, AND

AND SEX SPECIALISTS.
SEX IS A DELICATE SUBJECT, AND
AS SUCH, WE DO ADVISE PARENTAL

SEX IS A DELICATE SUBJECT, AND
AS SUCH, WE DO ADVISE PARENTAL
DISCRETION IN VIEWING.

AS SUCH, WE DO ADVISE PARENTAL
DISCRETION IN VIEWING.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT SEX

DISCRETION IN VIEWING.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT SEX
EDUCATION IS PREFERABLE TO

IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT SEX
EDUCATION IS PREFERABLE TO
SEXUAL IGNORANCE, AND IF YOU

EDUCATION IS PREFERABLE TO
SEXUAL IGNORANCE, AND IF YOU
REMOVE THE CHILDREN FROM THE

SEXUAL IGNORANCE, AND IF YOU
REMOVE THE CHILDREN FROM THE
ROOM, THEY'LL PROBABLY TURN OUT

REMOVE THE CHILDREN FROM THE
ROOM, THEY'LL PROBABLY TURN OUT
AS SCREWED UP AS YOU ARE.

ROOM, THEY'LL PROBABLY TURN OUT
AS SCREWED UP AS YOU ARE.
LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR FIRST

AS SCREWED UP AS YOU ARE.
LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR FIRST
QUESTION.

LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR FIRST
QUESTION.
"HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK SHOULD A

QUESTION.
"HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK SHOULD A
COUPLE HAVE SEX IF THEY'VE BEEN

"HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK SHOULD A
COUPLE HAVE SEX IF THEY'VE BEEN
MARRIED FOR EIGHT YEARS?"

"B," 8 TIMES, IS CORRECT.
"HOW MANY TIMES SHOULD A COUPLE
HAVE SEX IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED

"HOW MANY TIMES SHOULD A COUPLE
HAVE SEX IF THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 16 YEARS?"

"C," 16 TIMES.
VERY SURPRISING.
YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX AS MANY

VERY SURPRISING.
YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX AS MANY
TIMES EACH WEEK AS THE NUMBER OF

YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX AS MANY
TIMES EACH WEEK AS THE NUMBER OF
YEARS IN YOUR MARRIAGE.

TIMES EACH WEEK AS THE NUMBER OF
YEARS IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
WHICH IS WHY THE AVERAGE

YEARS IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
WHICH IS WHY THE AVERAGE
MARRIAGE LASTS ONLY 15 YEARS.

WHICH IS WHY THE AVERAGE
MARRIAGE LASTS ONLY 15 YEARS.
"IN SEX, DOES IT MATTER IF THE

MARRIAGE LASTS ONLY 15 YEARS.
"IN SEX, DOES IT MATTER IF THE
WOMAN IS NOT SATISFIED?"

"IN SEX, DOES IT MATTER IF THE
WOMAN IS NOT SATISFIED?"
THE ANSWER IS "NO."

WOMAN IS NOT SATISFIED?"
THE ANSWER IS "NO."
DR. CANDICE BRIGHTMAN OF

THE ANSWER IS "NO."
DR. CANDICE BRIGHTMAN OF
U.C.L.A.

UH, THIS HAS BEEN A SOURCE OF

CONFUSION FOR MANY YEARS, BUT WE

KNOW THAT IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL

FOR A MAN NOT TO CARE ABOUT A

WOMAN'S PLEASURE JUST SO LONG AS

HE DRAINS THE LIZARD.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT A MAN
SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD LATER AND GO
OUT AND BUY HIS MATE A NICE

SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD LATER AND GO
OUT AND BUY HIS MATE A NICE
GIFT.

OUT AND BUY HIS MATE A NICE
GIFT.
"HOW MANY CLIMAXES ARE IN A

GIFT.
"HOW MANY CLIMAXES ARE IN A
WOMAN'S MULTIPLE CLIMAX?"

THE ANSWER IS "C," HUNDREDS
AND HUNDREDS.
DR. JUDD QUIMSON, SOCIOLOGY

AND HUNDREDS.
DR. JUDD QUIMSON, SOCIOLOGY
ADVISOR TO PENTHOUSE MAGAZINE.

IT'S A MULTIPLE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS.

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT

OTHERWISE?

IF ONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS HAS
SAY, YOU KNOW, ONLY 30 CLIMAXES,
I FEEL LIKE A CREEP.

SAY, YOU KNOW, ONLY 30 CLIMAXES,
I FEEL LIKE A CREEP.
I GO OUT AND BUY HER A REAL NICE

I FEEL LIKE A CREEP.
I GO OUT AND BUY HER A REAL NICE
GIFT.

I GO OUT AND BUY HER A REAL NICE
GIFT.
"THE PROPER THING TO SAY

GIFT.
"THE PROPER THING TO SAY
AFTER A MAN'S PREMATURE CLIMAX

"THE PROPER THING TO SAY
AFTER A MAN'S PREMATURE CLIMAX
IS..."

"C" IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.
HERE IS DR. FRANCINE SHOES OF
THE YERKES PRIMATE RESEARCH

HERE IS DR. FRANCINE SHOES OF
THE YERKES PRIMATE RESEARCH
CENTER TO EXPLAIN WHY.

WHEN A MAN HAS A PREMATURE

CLIMAX, HE HAS A TENDENCY TO LIE

THERE LIKE A BEACHED WHALE.

HE CAN EVEN FALL ASLEEP AND
FORGET THAT YOU HAD SEX.
BUT BY CALLING ATTENTION TO THE

FORGET THAT YOU HAD SEX.
BUT BY CALLING ATTENTION TO THE
SITUATION BY YELLING AT HIM,

BUT BY CALLING ATTENTION TO THE
SITUATION BY YELLING AT HIM,
"YOU SELFISH PORK FACE.

SITUATION BY YELLING AT HIM,
"YOU SELFISH PORK FACE.
NOW I'LL NEVER BE SATISFIED,"

"YOU SELFISH PORK FACE.
NOW I'LL NEVER BE SATISFIED,"
HE'LL ROLL OVER AND BECOME AWARE

NOW I'LL NEVER BE SATISFIED,"
HE'LL ROLL OVER AND BECOME AWARE
THAT YOU HAVE NEEDS, TOO, AND

HE'LL ROLL OVER AND BECOME AWARE
THAT YOU HAVE NEEDS, TOO, AND
HE'LL PROBABLY GO OUT AND BUY

THAT YOU HAVE NEEDS, TOO, AND
HE'LL PROBABLY GO OUT AND BUY
YOU A NICE GIFT.

HE'LL PROBABLY GO OUT AND BUY
YOU A NICE GIFT.
"WHO DISCOVERED GENITALIA?"

"B," GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER,
IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.
DR. HERBERT RICE, AUTHOR OF "I'M

IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.
DR. HERBERT RICE, AUTHOR OF "I'M
NORMAL, YOU'RE NORMAL."

UH, GENITALIA HAD THEIR

ORIGIN IN THE FERTILE CRESCENT

IN AFRICA.

BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL THE LATE

19th CENTURY THAT THEY WERE

DISCOVERED BY

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER... THE

MAN WHO DID MORE WITH THE PEANUT

THAN ANY MAN IN HISTORY.

"WHAT IS THE LATIN PLURAL OF
COITUS INTERRUPTUS?"

NONE.
THE CORRECT PLURAL OF COITUS
INTERRUPTUS IS "TWINS."

THE CORRECT PLURAL OF COITUS
INTERRUPTUS IS "TWINS."
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR

INTERRUPTUS IS "TWINS."
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR
TONIGHT'S "SEX TEST."

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR
TONIGHT'S "SEX TEST."
I HOPE YOU FOUND IT HELPFUL.

TONIGHT'S "SEX TEST."
I HOPE YOU FOUND IT HELPFUL.
I'VE GOT A DATE, AND,

I HOPE YOU FOUND IT HELPFUL.
I'VE GOT A DATE, AND,
FORTUNATELY, I HAVE A NICE

I'VE GOT A DATE, AND,
FORTUNATELY, I HAVE A NICE
GIFT, TOO.

FORTUNATELY, I HAVE A NICE
GIFT, TOO.
THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.

BROOKE SHIELDS LOOKS BACK.
THIS AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
KIERKE GUARD... THE DEODORANT

BROUGHT TO YOU BY
KIERKE GUARD... THE DEODORANT
FOR SWEATY DANISH PHILOSOPHERS.

KIERKE GUARD... THE DEODORANT
FOR SWEATY DANISH PHILOSOPHERS.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

FOR SWEATY DANISH PHILOSOPHERS.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.
EVENING, I'M DAN AYKROYD.

JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.
EVENING, I'M DAN AYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

EVENING, I'M DAN AYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
BEFORE WE START, I'D LIKE TO

AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
BEFORE WE START, I'D LIKE TO
TAKE A MOMENT TO RESPOND TO SOME

BEFORE WE START, I'D LIKE TO
TAKE A MOMENT TO RESPOND TO SOME
MAIL THAT WE'VE RECEIVED.

TAKE A MOMENT TO RESPOND TO SOME
MAIL THAT WE'VE RECEIVED.
MANY OF YOU HAVE EXPLAINED AT

MAIL THAT WE'VE RECEIVED.
MANY OF YOU HAVE EXPLAINED AT
TIMES THAT I ACT IN LESS THAN A

MANY OF YOU HAVE EXPLAINED AT
TIMES THAT I ACT IN LESS THAN A
PROFESSIONAL MANNER.

TIMES THAT I ACT IN LESS THAN A
PROFESSIONAL MANNER.
YOU SAY I BECOME BITCHY AND LOSE

PROFESSIONAL MANNER.
YOU SAY I BECOME BITCHY AND LOSE
MY COOL HOLLERING AT

YOU SAY I BECOME BITCHY AND LOSE
MY COOL HOLLERING AT
EMILY LITELLA OR JOHN BELUSHI OR

MY COOL HOLLERING AT
EMILY LITELLA OR JOHN BELUSHI OR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

EMILY LITELLA OR JOHN BELUSHI OR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I DO HAVE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I DO HAVE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE
BOTHERING LATELY.

I DO HAVE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE
BOTHERING LATELY.
MY MOTHER HAS LEGIONNAIRE'S

BOTHERING LATELY.
MY MOTHER HAS LEGIONNAIRE'S
DISEASE, BUT, STILL, THERE'S NO

MY MOTHER HAS LEGIONNAIRE'S
DISEASE, BUT, STILL, THERE'S NO
REASON FOR LETTING MY PERSONAL

DISEASE, BUT, STILL, THERE'S NO
REASON FOR LETTING MY PERSONAL
LIFE INTERFERE WITH MY JOB AS A

REASON FOR LETTING MY PERSONAL
LIFE INTERFERE WITH MY JOB AS A
RESPONSIBLE JOURNALIST, AND I

LIFE INTERFERE WITH MY JOB AS A
RESPONSIBLE JOURNALIST, AND I
APOLOGIZE.

RESPONSIBLE JOURNALIST, AND I
APOLOGIZE.
NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU SEE ME LOSE

APOLOGIZE.
NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU SEE ME LOSE
MY DIGNITY BY OVERREACTING TO

NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU SEE ME LOSE
MY DIGNITY BY OVERREACTING TO
ANY OF MY FELLOW CORRESPONDENTS,

MY DIGNITY BY OVERREACTING TO
ANY OF MY FELLOW CORRESPONDENTS,
NO MATTER HOW FEEBLE THEY MAY

ANY OF MY FELLOW CORRESPONDENTS,
NO MATTER HOW FEEBLE THEY MAY
BE.

NO MATTER HOW FEEBLE THEY MAY
BE.
THAT'S A PROMISE.

BE.
THAT'S A PROMISE.
VERY WELL PUT, JANE.

THAT'S A PROMISE.
VERY WELL PUT, JANE.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR

VERY WELL PUT, JANE.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR
MOM.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR
MOM.
I WAS WONDERING WHY YOU WERE SO

MOM.
I WAS WONDERING WHY YOU WERE SO
CRANKY.

I WAS WONDERING WHY YOU WERE SO
CRANKY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE

CRANKY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE
GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE
GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.
NO.

GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.
NO.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

NO.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ACCORDING TO DOCTORS AT McGILL

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ACCORDING TO DOCTORS AT McGILL
UNIVERSITY IN MONTREAL, A

ACCORDING TO DOCTORS AT McGILL
UNIVERSITY IN MONTREAL, A
SUBSTANCE CALLED GUM TRAGACANTH,

UNIVERSITY IN MONTREAL, A
SUBSTANCE CALLED GUM TRAGACANTH,
A THICKENING AGENT FOUND IN

SUBSTANCE CALLED GUM TRAGACANTH,
A THICKENING AGENT FOUND IN
McDONALD'S HAMBURGER SAUCE, IF

A THICKENING AGENT FOUND IN
McDONALD'S HAMBURGER SAUCE, IF
YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO IT, CAN CAUSE

McDONALD'S HAMBURGER SAUCE, IF
YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO IT, CAN CAUSE
ITCHING, ABDOMINAL PAIN,

YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO IT, CAN CAUSE
ITCHING, ABDOMINAL PAIN,
SHORTNESS OF BREATH, A

ITCHING, ABDOMINAL PAIN,
SHORTNESS OF BREATH, A
HIVES-LIKE SWELLING OF FACE,

SHORTNESS OF BREATH, A
HIVES-LIKE SWELLING OF FACE,
ARMS, AND TRUNK, AND BREATHING

HIVES-LIKE SWELLING OF FACE,
ARMS, AND TRUNK, AND BREATHING
DIFFICULTY DUE TO A SWOLLEN

ARMS, AND TRUNK, AND BREATHING
DIFFICULTY DUE TO A SWOLLEN
LARYNX.

DIFFICULTY DUE TO A SWOLLEN
LARYNX.
A SPOKESMAN FOR McDONALD'S

LARYNX.
A SPOKESMAN FOR McDONALD'S
REPORTEDLY COMMENTED, "WE DO IT

A SPOKESMAN FOR McDONALD'S
REPORTEDLY COMMENTED, "WE DO IT
ALL FOR YOU."

REPORTEDLY COMMENTED, "WE DO IT
ALL FOR YOU."
THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION

ALL FOR YOU."
THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION
AGENCY HAS ORDERED THE AMERICAN

THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION
AGENCY HAS ORDERED THE AMERICAN
MOTORS CORPORATION TO RECALL ITS

AGENCY HAS ORDERED THE AMERICAN
MOTORS CORPORATION TO RECALL ITS
ENTIRE OUTPUT OF 1976 CARS DUE

MOTORS CORPORATION TO RECALL ITS
ENTIRE OUTPUT OF 1976 CARS DUE
TO A FAULTY POLLUTION-CONTROL

ENTIRE OUTPUT OF 1976 CARS DUE
TO A FAULTY POLLUTION-CONTROL
SYSTEM.

TO A FAULTY POLLUTION-CONTROL
SYSTEM.
THE OFFENDING DEVICES HAVE BEEN

SYSTEM.
THE OFFENDING DEVICES HAVE BEEN
SNAPPED UP BY NEW YORK CITY

THE OFFENDING DEVICES HAVE BEEN
SNAPPED UP BY NEW YORK CITY
SLUMLORDS, WHO WILL INSTALL THEM

SNAPPED UP BY NEW YORK CITY
SLUMLORDS, WHO WILL INSTALL THEM
AS AIR CONDITIONERS IN

SLUMLORDS, WHO WILL INSTALL THEM
AS AIR CONDITIONERS IN
SUBSTANDARD HOUSING.

AS AIR CONDITIONERS IN
SUBSTANDARD HOUSING.
[CLEARS THROAT]

SUBSTANDARD HOUSING.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THE TREASURY HAS JUST RELEASED

[CLEARS THROAT]
THE TREASURY HAS JUST RELEASED
THE NEW METRIC CONVERSION TERMS

THE TREASURY HAS JUST RELEASED
THE NEW METRIC CONVERSION TERMS
FOR AMERICAN FEDERAL RESERVE

THE NEW METRIC CONVERSION TERMS
FOR AMERICAN FEDERAL RESERVE
CURRENCY, WHICH WILL COME INTO

FOR AMERICAN FEDERAL RESERVE
CURRENCY, WHICH WILL COME INTO
EFFECT IN 1981.

CURRENCY, WHICH WILL COME INTO
EFFECT IN 1981.
THE DOLLAR WILL STILL BE CALLED

EFFECT IN 1981.
THE DOLLAR WILL STILL BE CALLED
THE DOLLAR, BUT QUARTERS WILL BE

THE DOLLAR WILL STILL BE CALLED
THE DOLLAR, BUT QUARTERS WILL BE
CALLED QUART-DOLLARS, DIMES WILL

THE DOLLAR, BUT QUARTERS WILL BE
CALLED QUART-DOLLARS, DIMES WILL
BE DECA-DOLLARS, NICKELS WILL BE

CALLED QUART-DOLLARS, DIMES WILL
BE DECA-DOLLARS, NICKELS WILL BE
PENTA-DOLLARS, AND PENNIES WILL

BE DECA-DOLLARS, NICKELS WILL BE
PENTA-DOLLARS, AND PENNIES WILL
BE CALLED HI-HOW-DO-YA-DOs.

PENTA-DOLLARS, AND PENNIES WILL
BE CALLED HI-HOW-DO-YA-DOs.
NO EXPLANATION WAS GIVEN.

BE CALLED HI-HOW-DO-YA-DOs.
NO EXPLANATION WAS GIVEN.
AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S

NO EXPLANATION WAS GIVEN.
AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S
REVIEW, HERE'S STARGAZER

AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S
REVIEW, HERE'S STARGAZER
BILL MURRAY.

REVIEW, HERE'S STARGAZER
BILL MURRAY.
BILL.

BILL MURRAY.
BILL.
THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL.
THANK YOU, JANE.
WELL, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER

THANK YOU, JANE.
WELL, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER
CRITICS IN THIS COUNTRY, I GAVE

WELL, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER
CRITICS IN THIS COUNTRY, I GAVE
MY OSCAR PREDICTIONS THE WEEK

CRITICS IN THIS COUNTRY, I GAVE
MY OSCAR PREDICTIONS THE WEEK
BEFORE THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

MY OSCAR PREDICTIONS THE WEEK
BEFORE THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
BUT UNLIKE ALL THOSE OTHER

BEFORE THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
BUT UNLIKE ALL THOSE OTHER
CRITICS, TONIGHT I'M HERE TO

BUT UNLIKE ALL THOSE OTHER
CRITICS, TONIGHT I'M HERE TO
FESS UP ON JUST HOW BADLY I DID.

CRITICS, TONIGHT I'M HERE TO
FESS UP ON JUST HOW BADLY I DID.
UH, PRETTY DAMN BADLY, I'M

FESS UP ON JUST HOW BADLY I DID.
UH, PRETTY DAMN BADLY, I'M
AFRAID.

UH, PRETTY DAMN BADLY, I'M
AFRAID.
OTHER THAN DIANE KEATON'S NOD

AFRAID.
OTHER THAN DIANE KEATON'S NOD
FOR BEST ACTRESS, THE PARTY

OTHER THAN DIANE KEATON'S NOD
FOR BEST ACTRESS, THE PARTY
ANIMAL HERE COMPLETELY STRUCK

FOR BEST ACTRESS, THE PARTY
ANIMAL HERE COMPLETELY STRUCK
OUT.

ANIMAL HERE COMPLETELY STRUCK
OUT.
NOT THAT I WASN'T PLEASED TO SEE

OUT.
NOT THAT I WASN'T PLEASED TO SEE
THE WOOD-MAN SNAG A COUPLE.

NOT THAT I WASN'T PLEASED TO SEE
THE WOOD-MAN SNAG A COUPLE.
HEY, CLASS MOVE NOT TO SHOW UP,

THE WOOD-MAN SNAG A COUPLE.
HEY, CLASS MOVE NOT TO SHOW UP,
WOOD-MAN.

HEY, CLASS MOVE NOT TO SHOW UP,
WOOD-MAN.
I LOVED IT.

WOOD-MAN.
I LOVED IT.
I WAS JUST SURPRISED THAT

I LOVED IT.
I WAS JUST SURPRISED THAT
HOLLYWOOD HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO

I WAS JUST SURPRISED THAT
HOLLYWOOD HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO
GIVE THEM TO HIM.

HOLLYWOOD HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO
GIVE THEM TO HIM.
BUT I MUST SAY I WAS

GIVE THEM TO HIM.
BUT I MUST SAY I WAS
DISAPPOINTED BY THE BEST ACTOR

BUT I MUST SAY I WAS
DISAPPOINTED BY THE BEST ACTOR
SELECTION.

DISAPPOINTED BY THE BEST ACTOR
SELECTION.
LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND THIS

SELECTION.
LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND THIS
SHOW, I EXPECTED RICHARD BURTON

LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND THIS
SHOW, I EXPECTED RICHARD BURTON
TO TAKE IT FOR WHAT I UNDERSTAND

SHOW, I EXPECTED RICHARD BURTON
TO TAKE IT FOR WHAT I UNDERSTAND
WAS A SUPERB PERFORMANCE IN

TO TAKE IT FOR WHAT I UNDERSTAND
WAS A SUPERB PERFORMANCE IN
"EQUUS."

WAS A SUPERB PERFORMANCE IN
"EQUUS."
WHEN RICHARD DREYFUSS WON, I

"EQUUS."
WHEN RICHARD DREYFUSS WON, I
ASKED WARNER BROTHERS TO SEND

WHEN RICHARD DREYFUSS WON, I
ASKED WARNER BROTHERS TO SEND
OVER A CLIP TO SEE IF I WAS

ASKED WARNER BROTHERS TO SEND
OVER A CLIP TO SEE IF I WAS
WRONG.

OVER A CLIP TO SEE IF I WAS
WRONG.
HERE'S A CLIP, "GOODBYE GIRL."

WRONG.
HERE'S A CLIP, "GOODBYE GIRL."
CAN WE SHOW IT, PLEASE?

BY THE WAY, I SLEEP IN THE

NUDE.

NAKED.

AU NATURELLE.

A BUFFO.

THEM'S MY RULES, AND THAT'S THE
WAY IT'S GONNA BE.
AND ANOTHER THING.

WAY IT'S GONNA BE.
AND ANOTHER THING.
I DON'T LIKE THE PANTIES HANGING

AND ANOTHER THING.
I DON'T LIKE THE PANTIES HANGING
FROM THE ROD.

I DON'T LIKE THE PANTIES HANGING
FROM THE ROD.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

FROM THE ROD.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.
THREE MORE YEARS, I'M GONNA BE

YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.
THREE MORE YEARS, I'M GONNA BE
BE DRIVING YOU OUT OF YOUR BIRD.

DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
YOUR LIPS SAY, "NO, NO, NO,"
BUT YOUR EYES SAY, "YES, YES,

YOUR LIPS SAY, "NO, NO, NO,"
BUT YOUR EYES SAY, "YES, YES,
YES."

WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT TO ALL
MY GOOD FRIENDS AT THE ACADEMY,
I STILL HAVE TO SAY "UNH-UNH."

MY GOOD FRIENDS AT THE ACADEMY,
I STILL HAVE TO SAY "UNH-UNH."
NO. NO WAY.

I STILL HAVE TO SAY "UNH-UNH."
NO. NO WAY.
RICHARD, DREY, WE HAVE SEEN

NO. NO WAY.
RICHARD, DREY, WE HAVE SEEN
THESE MOVES BEFORE... ALL OF

RICHARD, DREY, WE HAVE SEEN
THESE MOVES BEFORE... ALL OF
THEM.

THESE MOVES BEFORE... ALL OF
THEM.
THIS IS THE SAME DREYFUSS I SAW

THEM.
THIS IS THE SAME DREYFUSS I SAW
IN "JAWS," "AMERICAN GRAFFITI,"

THIS IS THE SAME DREYFUSS I SAW
IN "JAWS," "AMERICAN GRAFFITI,"
AND "DUDDY KRAVITZ."

IN "JAWS," "AMERICAN GRAFFITI,"
AND "DUDDY KRAVITZ."
WELL, ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T SEE

AND "DUDDY KRAVITZ."
WELL, ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T SEE
"GRAFFITI" AND "KRAVITZ," BUT

WELL, ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T SEE
"GRAFFITI" AND "KRAVITZ," BUT
THIS IS WHAT I HEARD, SO...

"GRAFFITI" AND "KRAVITZ," BUT
THIS IS WHAT I HEARD, SO...
ANYWAY, YOU ARE LETTING YOURSELF

THIS IS WHAT I HEARD, SO...
ANYWAY, YOU ARE LETTING YOURSELF
SLIDE, DUDE.

ANYWAY, YOU ARE LETTING YOURSELF
SLIDE, DUDE.
YOU'RE FAT NOW... DISGUSTINGLY

SLIDE, DUDE.
YOU'RE FAT NOW... DISGUSTINGLY
FAT.

YOU'RE FAT NOW... DISGUSTINGLY
FAT.
NOW, GET INTO SHAPE OR QUIT THE

FAT.
NOW, GET INTO SHAPE OR QUIT THE
BUSINESS.

NOW, GET INTO SHAPE OR QUIT THE
BUSINESS.
DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT, RICHARD?

BUSINESS.
DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT, RICHARD?
DICK?

DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT, RICHARD?
DICK?
LUMPY, COME ON.

DICK?
LUMPY, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.

LUMPY, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE RICHARD I THINK I

ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE RICHARD I THINK I
KNOW.

THAT'S THE RICHARD I THINK I
KNOW.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T AGREE

KNOW.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T AGREE
WITH ME, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T AGREE
WITH ME, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY I FEEL.

WITH ME, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY I FEEL.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE,

THE WAY I FEEL.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU KNUCKLEHEADS.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU KNUCKLEHEADS.
I MEAN IT.

YOU KNUCKLEHEADS.
I MEAN IT.
BACK TO THE ORIGINAL

I MEAN IT.
BACK TO THE ORIGINAL
KNUCKLEHEADS.

BACK TO THE ORIGINAL
KNUCKLEHEADS.
JANE, WILL YOU PASS THIS ON TO

KNUCKLEHEADS.
JANE, WILL YOU PASS THIS ON TO
DANNY FOR ME?

JANE, WILL YOU PASS THIS ON TO
DANNY FOR ME?
YOU KNUCKLEHEAD!

DANNY FOR ME?
YOU KNUCKLEHEAD!
PASS IT ON.

YOU KNUCKLEHEAD!
PASS IT ON.
DAN.

PASS IT ON.
DAN.
THANK YOU.

DAN.
THANK YOU.
LAST WEEK IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, A

THANK YOU.
LAST WEEK IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, A
DISTURBANCE BROKE OUT DURING A

LAST WEEK IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, A
DISTURBANCE BROKE OUT DURING A
DEMONSTRATION MARKING THE DEATH

DISTURBANCE BROKE OUT DURING A
DEMONSTRATION MARKING THE DEATH
OF A MEXICAN-AMERICAN WHO DIED

DEMONSTRATION MARKING THE DEATH
OF A MEXICAN-AMERICAN WHO DIED
LAST YEAR WHILE IN POLICE

OF A MEXICAN-AMERICAN WHO DIED
LAST YEAR WHILE IN POLICE
CUSTODY.

LAST YEAR WHILE IN POLICE
CUSTODY.
HOUSTON OFFICIALS LAUGHED OFF

CUSTODY.
HOUSTON OFFICIALS LAUGHED OFF
THE INCIDENT, ADVISED RIOTERS TO

HOUSTON OFFICIALS LAUGHED OFF
THE INCIDENT, ADVISED RIOTERS TO
DO THE SAME, AND, AS SEEN HERE,

THE INCIDENT, ADVISED RIOTERS TO
DO THE SAME, AND, AS SEEN HERE,
SENT POLICE IN TO TEACH THE

DO THE SAME, AND, AS SEEN HERE,
SENT POLICE IN TO TEACH THE
MEXICAN-AMERICANS HOW TO SMILE.

SENT POLICE IN TO TEACH THE
MEXICAN-AMERICANS HOW TO SMILE.
JANE.

MEXICAN-AMERICANS HOW TO SMILE.
JANE.
THIS WEEK, THE AIR FORCE

JANE.
THIS WEEK, THE AIR FORCE
REPORTED TWO UFOs OFF THE COAST

THIS WEEK, THE AIR FORCE
REPORTED TWO UFOs OFF THE COAST
OF FLORIDA.

REPORTED TWO UFOs OFF THE COAST
OF FLORIDA.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS

OF FLORIDA.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS
PHENOMENON IS CORRESPONDENT

HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS
PHENOMENON IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

PHENOMENON IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
THANKS, JANE.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
THANKS, JANE.
MR. RICHARD FEDER OF FORT LEE,

THANKS, JANE.
MR. RICHARD FEDER OF FORT LEE,
NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS,

MR. RICHARD FEDER OF FORT LEE,
NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS,
"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DO

NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS,
"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DO
YOU BELIEVE IN UFOs?

"DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DO
YOU BELIEVE IN UFOs?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A UFO?

YOU BELIEVE IN UFOs?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A UFO?
HAVE YOU HAD A CONTACT WITH A

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A UFO?
HAVE YOU HAD A CONTACT WITH A
UFO?

HAVE YOU HAD A CONTACT WITH A
UFO?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BEYOND AND

UFO?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BEYOND AND
BACK?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BEYOND AND
BACK?
DID YOU SEE 'STAR WARS'?

BACK?
DID YOU SEE 'STAR WARS'?
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT WE ARE NOT

DID YOU SEE 'STAR WARS'?
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT WE ARE NOT
ALONE?"

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT WE ARE NOT
ALONE?"
MR. FEDER, YOU ASK A LOT OF

ALONE?"
MR. FEDER, YOU ASK A LOT OF
QUESTIONS FOR SOMEONE FROM

MR. FEDER, YOU ASK A LOT OF
QUESTIONS FOR SOMEONE FROM
NEW JERSEY.

QUESTIONS FOR SOMEONE FROM
NEW JERSEY.
BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING

NEW JERSEY.
BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING
BECAUSE ONCE, I,

BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING
BECAUSE ONCE, I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, SAW

BECAUSE ONCE, I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, SAW
SOMETHING THAT DROVE ME CRAZY.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, SAW
SOMETHING THAT DROVE ME CRAZY.
IT WAS A HOT AND CLAMMY SUMMER

SOMETHING THAT DROVE ME CRAZY.
IT WAS A HOT AND CLAMMY SUMMER
NIGHT, AND I WAS SITTING ALONE

IT WAS A HOT AND CLAMMY SUMMER
NIGHT, AND I WAS SITTING ALONE
IN MY APARTMENT.

NIGHT, AND I WAS SITTING ALONE
IN MY APARTMENT.
AND I SAID TO MYSELF,

IN MY APARTMENT.
AND I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WHAT

AND I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WHAT
YOU NEED IS A RIDE IN THE

"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WHAT
YOU NEED IS A RIDE IN THE
COUNTRY."

YOU NEED IS A RIDE IN THE
COUNTRY."
SO I GOT IN MY CAR, AND I START

COUNTRY."
SO I GOT IN MY CAR, AND I START
DRIVING.

SO I GOT IN MY CAR, AND I START
DRIVING.
AND I LOVE TO DRIVE 'CAUSE MY

DRIVING.
AND I LOVE TO DRIVE 'CAUSE MY
CAR GOT AN F.M. RADIO THAT I

AND I LOVE TO DRIVE 'CAUSE MY
CAR GOT AN F.M. RADIO THAT I
SING WITH.

CAR GOT AN F.M. RADIO THAT I
SING WITH.
AND I DON'T WANT TO BRAG, BUT

SING WITH.
AND I DON'T WANT TO BRAG, BUT
WHEN I SING IN MY CAR, I SOUND

AND I DON'T WANT TO BRAG, BUT
WHEN I SING IN MY CAR, I SOUND
JUST LIKE CONNIE FRANCIS.

WHEN I SING IN MY CAR, I SOUND
JUST LIKE CONNIE FRANCIS.
WELL, IT'S AROUND 10:00 AT

JUST LIKE CONNIE FRANCIS.
WELL, IT'S AROUND 10:00 AT
NIGHT.

WELL, IT'S AROUND 10:00 AT
NIGHT.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT, BUT OFF THE

NIGHT.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT, BUT OFF THE
SIDE OF THE ROAD, THERE'S THIS

I DIDN'T KNOW IT, BUT OFF THE
SIDE OF THE ROAD, THERE'S THIS
DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATER, AND THEY

SIDE OF THE ROAD, THERE'S THIS
DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATER, AND THEY
WERE SHOWING THIS X-RATED FRENCH

DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATER, AND THEY
WERE SHOWING THIS X-RATED FRENCH
MOVIE CALLED "LE SEX SHOP."

WERE SHOWING THIS X-RATED FRENCH
MOVIE CALLED "LE SEX SHOP."
AND I WAS JUST RIDING ALONG

MOVIE CALLED "LE SEX SHOP."
AND I WAS JUST RIDING ALONG
SINGING A SONG WHEN ALL OF A

AND I WAS JUST RIDING ALONG
SINGING A SONG WHEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN, PEEKING THROUGH THE

SINGING A SONG WHEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN, PEEKING THROUGH THE
TREES, I SAW THE WORLD'S BIGGEST

SUDDEN, PEEKING THROUGH THE
TREES, I SAW THE WORLD'S BIGGEST
BUTTOCKS!

TREES, I SAW THE WORLD'S BIGGEST
BUTTOCKS!
TWO BIG CHEEKS THAT WAS BOUNCING

BUTTOCKS!
TWO BIG CHEEKS THAT WAS BOUNCING
OVER THE EXPRESSWAY.

TWO BIG CHEEKS THAT WAS BOUNCING
OVER THE EXPRESSWAY.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

OVER THE EXPRESSWAY.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
THERE IT WAS, IN LIVING COLOR, A

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
THERE IT WAS, IN LIVING COLOR, A
RECTAL ECLIPSE!

THERE IT WAS, IN LIVING COLOR, A
RECTAL ECLIPSE!
AND UNDERNEATH, THERE WAS WORDS,

RECTAL ECLIPSE!
AND UNDERNEATH, THERE WAS WORDS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, SUBTITLES?

AND UNDERNEATH, THERE WAS WORDS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, SUBTITLES?
AND THIS BACKSIDE IS TALKING TO

YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, SUBTITLES?
AND THIS BACKSIDE IS TALKING TO
ME, SAYING "DO YOU LOVE ME?

AND THIS BACKSIDE IS TALKING TO
ME, SAYING "DO YOU LOVE ME?
I LOVE YOU.

ME, SAYING "DO YOU LOVE ME?
I LOVE YOU.
CAN YOU TOUCH ME, PLEASE?

I LOVE YOU.
CAN YOU TOUCH ME, PLEASE?
HOLD ME CLOSER, DARLING.

CAN YOU TOUCH ME, PLEASE?
HOLD ME CLOSER, DARLING.
KISS ME, MY HONEYBEAR."

HOLD ME CLOSER, DARLING.
KISS ME, MY HONEYBEAR."
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!

KISS ME, MY HONEYBEAR."
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!
JANE, TELL ME, DID A REAR END

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!
JANE, TELL ME, DID A REAR END
EVER TALK TO YOU?

JANE, TELL ME, DID A REAR END
EVER TALK TO YOU?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE ONE EVER

EVER TALK TO YOU?
NO, I DON'T BELIEVE ONE EVER
HAS, ROSEANNE.

NO, I DON'T BELIEVE ONE EVER
HAS, ROSEANNE.
BOY, YOU SURE ARE IN A GOOD

HAS, ROSEANNE.
BOY, YOU SURE ARE IN A GOOD
MOOD TODAY.

BOY, YOU SURE ARE IN A GOOD
MOOD TODAY.
YES, I AM, ROSEANNE.

MOOD TODAY.
YES, I AM, ROSEANNE.
WELL, GOOD, YOU KNOW,

YES, I AM, ROSEANNE.
WELL, GOOD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE, JANE, YOU KNOW WHAT

WELL, GOOD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE, JANE, YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY MAKES ME SICK?

BECAUSE, JANE, YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY MAKES ME SICK?
DID YOU EVER, LIKE, GET A LITTLE

REALLY MAKES ME SICK?
DID YOU EVER, LIKE, GET A LITTLE
PIECE OF STUFF, LIKE, IN THE

DID YOU EVER, LIKE, GET A LITTLE
PIECE OF STUFF, LIKE, IN THE
CORNER OF YOUR EYE, YOU KNOW,

PIECE OF STUFF, LIKE, IN THE
CORNER OF YOUR EYE, YOU KNOW,
AND YOU TAKE IT OUT AND GO,

CORNER OF YOUR EYE, YOU KNOW,
AND YOU TAKE IT OUT AND GO,
"WHAT IS THIS?

AND YOU TAKE IT OUT AND GO,
"WHAT IS THIS?
DID THIS COME OUT OF ME, YOU

"WHAT IS THIS?
DID THIS COME OUT OF ME, YOU
KNOW?

DID THIS COME OUT OF ME, YOU
KNOW?
WHERE AM I GONNA PUT IT?"

KNOW?
WHERE AM I GONNA PUT IT?"
THEN YOU START... YOU JUST START

WHERE AM I GONNA PUT IT?"
THEN YOU START... YOU JUST START
ROLLING IT AROUND AND ROLLING IT

THEN YOU START... YOU JUST START
ROLLING IT AROUND AND ROLLING IT
AROUND, ROLLING AROUND YOUR

ROLLING IT AROUND AND ROLLING IT
AROUND, ROLLING AROUND YOUR
FINGER.

AROUND, ROLLING AROUND YOUR
FINGER.
"WHERE AM I GONNA PUT THIS

FINGER.
"WHERE AM I GONNA PUT THIS
THING?

"WHERE AM I GONNA PUT THIS
THING?
WHERE AM I GONNA PUT IT?"

THING?
WHERE AM I GONNA PUT IT?"
AND THEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER

WHERE AM I GONNA PUT IT?"
AND THEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHERE YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT 'CAUSE

AND THEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHERE YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU LOOK, IT DISAPPEARED!

WHERE YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU LOOK, IT DISAPPEARED!
WHERE DOES THAT THING GO?

WHEN YOU LOOK, IT DISAPPEARED!
WHERE DOES THAT THING GO?
I'M SORRY.

WHERE DOES THAT THING GO?
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW, ROSEANNE.

I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW, ROSEANNE.
WELL, YOU BETTER START

I DON'T KNOW, ROSEANNE.
WELL, YOU BETTER START
THINKING ABOUT IT 'CAUSE YOU GOT

WELL, YOU BETTER START
THINKING ABOUT IT 'CAUSE YOU GOT
A LITTLE PIECE OF STUFF RIGHT

THINKING ABOUT IT 'CAUSE YOU GOT
A LITTLE PIECE OF STUFF RIGHT
THERE.

A LITTLE PIECE OF STUFF RIGHT
THERE.
YOU KNOW, JANE, I NEVER NOTICED

THERE.
YOU KNOW, JANE, I NEVER NOTICED
THIS, BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A

YOU KNOW, JANE, I NEVER NOTICED
THIS, BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A
LITTLE MUSTACHE RIGHT THERE.

THIS, BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A
LITTLE MUSTACHE RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, LOOK, JANE GOT A CUTE,

LITTLE MUSTACHE RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, LOOK, JANE GOT A CUTE,
LITTLE, TINY, SOFT BABY MUSTACHE

YEAH, LOOK, JANE GOT A CUTE,
LITTLE, TINY, SOFT BABY MUSTACHE
RIGHT THERE, ALL BLOND AND CUTE

LITTLE, TINY, SOFT BABY MUSTACHE
RIGHT THERE, ALL BLOND AND CUTE
AND EVERYTHING.

RIGHT THERE, ALL BLOND AND CUTE
AND EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, YOU BETTER NOT SHAVE

AND EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, YOU BETTER NOT SHAVE
THAT 'CAUSE IT'LL GROW BACK ALL

YOU KNOW, YOU BETTER NOT SHAVE
THAT 'CAUSE IT'LL GROW BACK ALL
BLACK AND THICK AND EVERYTHING

THAT 'CAUSE IT'LL GROW BACK ALL
BLACK AND THICK AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT.

BLACK AND THICK AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT.
THANK YOU, ROSEANNE.

LIKE THAT.
THANK YOU, ROSEANNE.
AW, YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANK YOU, ROSEANNE.
AW, YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU'RE REAL WEL...

AW, YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU'RE REAL WEL...
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A VERY, VERY

YOU'RE REAL WEL...
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A VERY, VERY
PRETTY GIRL.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A VERY, VERY
PRETTY GIRL.
VERY PRETTY.

PRETTY GIRL.
VERY PRETTY.
YOU KNOW, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

VERY PRETTY.
YOU KNOW, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME
SOMETHING JUST BETWEEN YOU AND

YOU KNOW, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME
SOMETHING JUST BETWEEN YOU AND
ME... ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

SOMETHING JUST BETWEEN YOU AND
ME... ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
ARE BOTH OF YOUR THINGS THE SAME

ME... ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
ARE BOTH OF YOUR THINGS THE SAME
SIZE?

ARE BOTH OF YOUR THINGS THE SAME
SIZE?
CHECK FOR YOURSELF, ROSEANNE!

I... I PROMISED MYSELF AND MY
AUDIENCE... THAT I WOULDN'T LOWER
MYSELF TO A LEVEL OF THE LIKES

AUDIENCE... THAT I WOULDN'T LOWER
MYSELF TO A LEVEL OF THE LIKES
OF YOU.

MYSELF TO A LEVEL OF THE LIKES
OF YOU.
RECTAL ECLIPSES, STUFF THAT

OF YOU.
RECTAL ECLIPSES, STUFF THAT
DISAPPEAR WHEN YOU PUT IT IN

RECTAL ECLIPSES, STUFF THAT
DISAPPEAR WHEN YOU PUT IT IN
YOUR FINGERS.

DISAPPEAR WHEN YOU PUT IT IN
YOUR FINGERS.
I TRIED TO CONTAIN MYSELF WHEN

YOUR FINGERS.
I TRIED TO CONTAIN MYSELF WHEN
YOU TOOK ME APART PIECE BY PIECE

I TRIED TO CONTAIN MYSELF WHEN
YOU TOOK ME APART PIECE BY PIECE
IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.

YOU TOOK ME APART PIECE BY PIECE
IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
BUT I GUESS I'M JUST NOT THAT

IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
BUT I GUESS I'M JUST NOT THAT
STRONG.

BUT I GUESS I'M JUST NOT THAT
STRONG.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO

STRONG.
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.

SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

SOMETHING.
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LOT BIGGER

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LOT BIGGER
THAN THAT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LOT BIGGER
THAN THAT.
OH!

THAN THAT.
OH!
GOOD NIGHT.

OH!
GOOD NIGHT.
HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!

[MID-TEMPO BEAT PLAYS]
WELCOME TO THE HONEYMOON ROOM
HERE AT THE POCOMONT.

WELCOME TO THE HONEYMOON ROOM
HERE AT THE POCOMONT.
I'M NICK SPRINGS, AND I'M HERE

HERE AT THE POCOMONT.
I'M NICK SPRINGS, AND I'M HERE
TO ENTERTAIN.

I'M NICK SPRINGS, AND I'M HERE
TO ENTERTAIN.
[KEYBOARD PLAYS]

TO ENTERTAIN.
[KEYBOARD PLAYS]
[LAUGHS]

[KEYBOARD PLAYS]
[LAUGHS]
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

[LAUGHS]
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
[TEMPO INCREASES]

BABY ♪
[TEMPO INCREASES]
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

[TEMPO INCREASES]
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
[TEMPO INCREASES]

BABY ♪
[TEMPO INCREASES]
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

[TEMPO INCREASES]
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,

BABY ♪
♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LOVE TO LOVE YOU,
BABY ♪
AAH! AAH! AAH!

BABY ♪
AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[BEAT STOPS]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[BEAT STOPS]
♪ I LOVE TO LOVE YOU ♪

[BEAT STOPS]
♪ I LOVE TO LOVE YOU ♪
AND ONLY YOU, FOREVER AND EVER.

♪ I LOVE TO LOVE YOU ♪
AND ONLY YOU, FOREVER AND EVER.
♪ BABY! ♪

AND ONLY YOU, FOREVER AND EVER.
♪ BABY! ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ BABY! ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU AS IT WAS

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU AS IT WAS
FOR ME?

WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU AS IT WAS
FOR ME?
[LAUGHTER]

FOR ME?
[LAUGHTER]
I HOPE SO.

[LAUGHTER]
I HOPE SO.
HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE IN THE

I HOPE SO.
HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE IN THE
HONEYMOON ROOM TONIGHT BELIEVE

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE IN THE
HONEYMOON ROOM TONIGHT BELIEVE
IN THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE?

HONEYMOON ROOM TONIGHT BELIEVE
IN THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE?
CAN I HEAR FROM YOU?

IN THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE?
CAN I HEAR FROM YOU?
YEAH, I HAD A FEELING.

CAN I HEAR FROM YOU?
YEAH, I HAD A FEELING.
HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE FROM

YEAH, I HAD A FEELING.
HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE FROM
NEW JERSEY?

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE FROM
NEW JERSEY?
YEAH!

NEW JERSEY?
YEAH!
I THOUGHT SO. I THOUGHT SO.

YEAH!
I THOUGHT SO. I THOUGHT SO.
YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OF LOVE OVER

I THOUGHT SO. I THOUGHT SO.
YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OF LOVE OVER
THERE IN JERSEY... A LOT OF

YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OF LOVE OVER
THERE IN JERSEY... A LOT OF
LOVE.

THERE IN JERSEY... A LOT OF
LOVE.
HOW ABOUT YOU TWO... WHERE YOU

LOVE.
HOW ABOUT YOU TWO... WHERE YOU
FROM?

HOW ABOUT YOU TWO... WHERE YOU
FROM?
PASSAIC.

FROM?
PASSAIC.
UH, MRS. JOAN SHOMER.

PASSAIC.
UH, MRS. JOAN SHOMER.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

UH, MRS. JOAN SHOMER.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?
TWO DAYS.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?
TWO DAYS.
IS THIS THE LUCKY GUY?

TWO DAYS.
IS THIS THE LUCKY GUY?
YES.

IS THIS THE LUCKY GUY?
YES.
UH, BILL SHOMER OF SECAUCUS...

YES.
UH, BILL SHOMER OF SECAUCUS...
NOW PASSAIC.

UH, BILL SHOMER OF SECAUCUS...
NOW PASSAIC.
WHAT'S THE PINK STUFF ALL

NOW PASSAIC.
WHAT'S THE PINK STUFF ALL
OVER YOUR FACE, KIDS?

WHAT'S THE PINK STUFF ALL
OVER YOUR FACE, KIDS?
OH, IT'S CALAMINE LOTION.

OVER YOUR FACE, KIDS?
OH, IT'S CALAMINE LOTION.
WELL, THE FIRST THING WE DID

OH, IT'S CALAMINE LOTION.
WELL, THE FIRST THING WE DID
WHEN WE GOT HERE WAS DO A LITTLE

WELL, THE FIRST THING WE DID
WHEN WE GOT HERE WAS DO A LITTLE
PRIVATE SUNBATHING, AND THERE

WHEN WE GOT HERE WAS DO A LITTLE
PRIVATE SUNBATHING, AND THERE
WAS POISON IVY IN THE WOODS.

PRIVATE SUNBATHING, AND THERE
WAS POISON IVY IN THE WOODS.
[CHUCKLES]

WAS POISON IVY IN THE WOODS.
[CHUCKLES]
I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I COULD

[CHUCKLES]
I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I COULD
HAVE TOLD YOU SO, SHOMERS.

I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I COULD
HAVE TOLD YOU SO, SHOMERS.
YOU TWO ARE GONNA HAVE AN

HAVE TOLD YOU SO, SHOMERS.
YOU TWO ARE GONNA HAVE AN
UNUSUAL HONEYMOON THIS WEEK

YOU TWO ARE GONNA HAVE AN
UNUSUAL HONEYMOON THIS WEEK
BECAUSE...

UNUSUAL HONEYMOON THIS WEEK
BECAUSE...
♪ YOU CAN LOOK BUT YOU'D BETTER

BECAUSE...
♪ YOU CAN LOOK BUT YOU'D BETTER
NOT TOUCH ♪

♪ YOU CAN LOOK BUT YOU'D BETTER
NOT TOUCH ♪
[MID-TEMPO BEAT PLAYS]

NOT TOUCH ♪
[MID-TEMPO BEAT PLAYS]
♪ YOU'RE GONNA NEED AN OCEAN ♪

[MID-TEMPO BEAT PLAYS]
♪ YOU'RE GONNA NEED AN OCEAN ♪
♪ OF CALAMINE LOTION ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA NEED AN OCEAN ♪
♪ OF CALAMINE LOTION ♪
♪ OH, YOU'LL BE SCRATCHING LIKE

♪ OF CALAMINE LOTION ♪
♪ OH, YOU'LL BE SCRATCHING LIKE
A HOUND ♪

♪ OH, YOU'LL BE SCRATCHING LIKE
A HOUND ♪
♪ THE MINUTE YOU START TO MESS

A HOUND ♪
♪ THE MINUTE YOU START TO MESS
AROUND ♪

♪ THE MINUTE YOU START TO MESS
AROUND ♪
♪ WITH POISON IVY-Y-Y ♪

AROUND ♪
♪ WITH POISON IVY-Y-Y ♪
[TEMPO DECREASES]

♪ WITH POISON IVY-Y-Y ♪
[TEMPO DECREASES]
♪ POISON IVY ♪

[TEMPO DECREASES]
♪ POISON IVY ♪
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS

♪ POISON IVY ♪
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS
MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE WORKING.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS
MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE WORKING.
THIS MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE

MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE WORKING.
THIS MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE
WORKING, AM I RIGHT?

THIS MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE
WORKING, AM I RIGHT?
OVERTIME, NICK.

WORKING, AM I RIGHT?
OVERTIME, NICK.
[LAUGHS]

OVERTIME, NICK.
[LAUGHS]
GOOD ONE!

[LAUGHS]
GOOD ONE!
THIS M...

GOOD ONE!
THIS M...
WHERE IS SHE?

THIS M...
WHERE IS SHE?
[LAUGHS]

WHERE IS SHE?
[LAUGHS]
UH-OH. HERE IS JEFF GREENSPOON.

[LAUGHS]
UH-OH. HERE IS JEFF GREENSPOON.
HE'S A GUY IN THE INDUSTRY THAT

UH-OH. HERE IS JEFF GREENSPOON.
HE'S A GUY IN THE INDUSTRY THAT
I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

HE'S A GUY IN THE INDUSTRY THAT
I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
JUST A MINUTE.

I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
JUST A MINUTE.
BUT FIRST, HE'S GOT A LOVELY

JUST A MINUTE.
BUT FIRST, HE'S GOT A LOVELY
YOUNG LADY WITH HIM.

BUT FIRST, HE'S GOT A LOVELY
YOUNG LADY WITH HIM.
HEY, NYMPH, WHAT'S YOU NAME?

YOUNG LADY WITH HIM.
HEY, NYMPH, WHAT'S YOU NAME?
[MUMBLES]

HEY, NYMPH, WHAT'S YOU NAME?
[MUMBLES]
I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT?

[MUMBLES]
I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT?
Mrs. Liebowitz.

I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT?
Mrs. Liebowitz.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR.

Mrs. Liebowitz.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR.
PLEASE. THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR.
PLEASE. THANK YOU.
MRS. LIEBOWITZ.

PLEASE. THANK YOU.
MRS. LIEBOWITZ.
OH.

MRS. LIEBOWITZ.
OH.
OH.

OH.
OH.
UH, ARE THE WIFE OF THE MAN WHO

OH.
UH, ARE THE WIFE OF THE MAN WHO
INJURED HIMSELF WHEN HE SLIPPED

UH, ARE THE WIFE OF THE MAN WHO
INJURED HIMSELF WHEN HE SLIPPED
IN ONE OF OUR HEART-SHAPED

INJURED HIMSELF WHEN HE SLIPPED
IN ONE OF OUR HEART-SHAPED
BATHTUBS UP HERE?

IN ONE OF OUR HEART-SHAPED
BATHTUBS UP HERE?
THAT'S RIGHT.

BATHTUBS UP HERE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S LYING DOWN IN OUR ROOM NOW.

THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S LYING DOWN IN OUR ROOM NOW.
WELL, THAT IS TOO BAD.

HE'S LYING DOWN IN OUR ROOM NOW.
WELL, THAT IS TOO BAD.
COULD WE SEND A COMPLIMENTARY

WELL, THAT IS TOO BAD.
COULD WE SEND A COMPLIMENTARY
BOTTLE OF ANDRé CHAMPAGNE OVER

COULD WE SEND A COMPLIMENTARY
BOTTLE OF ANDRé CHAMPAGNE OVER
TO THEIR ROOM ON NICK SPRINGS?

BOTTLE OF ANDRé CHAMPAGNE OVER
TO THEIR ROOM ON NICK SPRINGS?
HOW ABOUT THAT?

TO THEIR ROOM ON NICK SPRINGS?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
THANK YOU.

HOW ABOUT THAT?
THANK YOU.
AND NOW THIS CRAZY NUT...

THANK YOU.
AND NOW THIS CRAZY NUT...
JEFF GREENSPOON.

AND NOW THIS CRAZY NUT...
JEFF GREENSPOON.
THIS IS A GUY WHO BELIEVED IN

JEFF GREENSPOON.
THIS IS A GUY WHO BELIEVED IN
ME WHEN NO ONE DID AND THE GUY

THIS IS A GUY WHO BELIEVED IN
ME WHEN NO ONE DID AND THE GUY
WHO BOOKED ME IN HERE AT THE

ME WHEN NO ONE DID AND THE GUY
WHO BOOKED ME IN HERE AT THE
POCOMONT.

WHO BOOKED ME IN HERE AT THE
POCOMONT.
COME ON, GIVE HIM A HAND.

POCOMONT.
COME ON, GIVE HIM A HAND.
STAND UP, WOULD YOU, JEFF?

COME ON, GIVE HIM A HAND.
STAND UP, WOULD YOU, JEFF?
[WEAK APPLAUSE]

STAND UP, WOULD YOU, JEFF?
[WEAK APPLAUSE]
HOW DO YOU FEEL, JEFF?

[WEAK APPLAUSE]
HOW DO YOU FEEL, JEFF?
UH, WONDERFUL, NICK.

HOW DO YOU FEEL, JEFF?
UH, WONDERFUL, NICK.
COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT

UH, WONDERFUL, NICK.
COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT
YOU.

COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT
YOU.
JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE

YOU.
JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE
DOING... KEEP YOUR COLLAR OPEN,

JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE
DOING... KEEP YOUR COLLAR OPEN,
MOVE AROUND A LOT, USE THE

DOING... KEEP YOUR COLLAR OPEN,
MOVE AROUND A LOT, USE THE
MICROPHONE.

MOVE AROUND A LOT, USE THE
MICROPHONE.
WELL, RIGHT YOU ARE.

MICROPHONE.
WELL, RIGHT YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, JEFF...

WELL, RIGHT YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, JEFF...
JEFF IS A JEW.

YOU KNOW, JEFF...
JEFF IS A JEW.
BUT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN MORE THAN

JEFF IS A JEW.
BUT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN MORE THAN
FAIR WITH ME, AND I LOVE THAT

BUT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN MORE THAN
FAIR WITH ME, AND I LOVE THAT
ABOUT HIM.

FAIR WITH ME, AND I LOVE THAT
ABOUT HIM.
ANY REQUESTS, MRS. LIEBOWITZ?

ABOUT HIM.
ANY REQUESTS, MRS. LIEBOWITZ?
NO.

ANY REQUESTS, MRS. LIEBOWITZ?
NO.
ALL RIGHT.

NO.
ALL RIGHT.
JEFF AND MRS. LIEBOWITZ... THIS

ALL RIGHT.
JEFF AND MRS. LIEBOWITZ... THIS
ONE IS FOR YOU.

JEFF AND MRS. LIEBOWITZ... THIS
ONE IS FOR YOU.
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪

ONE IS FOR YOU.
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪

♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪

♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ HEY V'NISMICHA ♪

♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ HEY V'NISMICHA ♪
♪ HAVA NAH-IN-DIN-DIN ♪

♪ HEY V'NISMICHA ♪
♪ HAVA NAH-IN-DIN-DIN ♪
♪ HAVA NAH-IN-DIN-DIN ♪

♪ HAVA NAH-IN-DIN-DIN ♪
♪ HAVA NAH-IN-DIN-DIN ♪
♪ HAVA AH-LAH ♪

♪ HAVA NAH-IN-DIN-DIN ♪
♪ HAVA AH-LAH ♪
[SINGING IN HEBREW]

AAAAYAH!
[UP-TEMPO BEAT PLAYS]
[SCATTING]

[UP-TEMPO BEAT PLAYS]
[SCATTING]
[TEMPO INCREASING]

[SCATTING]
[TEMPO INCREASING]
THE UNIVOX SR-120, LADIES AND

[TEMPO INCREASING]
THE UNIVOX SR-120, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN!

THE UNIVOX SR-120, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN!
[SINGING IN HEBREW]

GENTLEMEN!
[SINGING IN HEBREW]
♪ DUN-DUN DA-DA DA-DA DAAAAAA ♪

[SINGING IN HEBREW]
♪ DUN-DUN DA-DA DA-DA DAAAAAA ♪
THANK YOU!

♪ DUN-DUN DA-DA DA-DA DAAAAAA ♪
THANK YOU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HAPPEN TO KNOW "HAVA NAGILA."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HAPPEN TO KNOW "HAVA NAGILA."
THANKS.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW "HAVA NAGILA."
THANKS.
HEY, I SEE THE GROUNDSKEEPER FOR

THANKS.
HEY, I SEE THE GROUNDSKEEPER FOR
THE POCOMONT, JIMMY JOE RED SKY.

HEY, I SEE THE GROUNDSKEEPER FOR
THE POCOMONT, JIMMY JOE RED SKY.
COME ON UP HERE, J.J.

THE POCOMONT, JIMMY JOE RED SKY.
COME ON UP HERE, J.J.
TELL THE KIDS WHAT THEY CAN DO

COME ON UP HERE, J.J.
TELL THE KIDS WHAT THEY CAN DO
DURING THE DAYTIME HERE AT

TELL THE KIDS WHAT THEY CAN DO
DURING THE DAYTIME HERE AT
POCOMONT.

DURING THE DAYTIME HERE AT
POCOMONT.
WELL, ALL THE TENNIS COURTS

POCOMONT.
WELL, ALL THE TENNIS COURTS
ARE ABOUT READY AND THE DRIVING

WELL, ALL THE TENNIS COURTS
ARE ABOUT READY AND THE DRIVING
RANGE AND YOU CAN RENT YOUR

ARE ABOUT READY AND THE DRIVING
RANGE AND YOU CAN RENT YOUR
CLUBS AND BALLS FOR 5 BUCKS.

RANGE AND YOU CAN RENT YOUR
CLUBS AND BALLS FOR 5 BUCKS.
AND LOOK AT THIS.

CLUBS AND BALLS FOR 5 BUCKS.
AND LOOK AT THIS.
A SQUIRREL.

AND LOOK AT THIS.
A SQUIRREL.
YEAH.

A SQUIRREL.
YEAH.
I WAS CLEANING OUT THE POOL, AND

YEAH.
I WAS CLEANING OUT THE POOL, AND
I FOUND THIS LITTLE GUY IN THE

I WAS CLEANING OUT THE POOL, AND
I FOUND THIS LITTLE GUY IN THE
FILTER.

I FOUND THIS LITTLE GUY IN THE
FILTER.
BUT YOU CAN GO SWIMMING.

FILTER.
BUT YOU CAN GO SWIMMING.
UH, I JUST PUT A LOT OF CHLORINE

BUT YOU CAN GO SWIMMING.
UH, I JUST PUT A LOT OF CHLORINE
IN THE WATER, SO DON'T OPEN YOUR

UH, I JUST PUT A LOT OF CHLORINE
IN THE WATER, SO DON'T OPEN YOUR
EYES UNDERWATER FOR A FEW DAYS.

IN THE WATER, SO DON'T OPEN YOUR
EYES UNDERWATER FOR A FEW DAYS.
I NEED A DRINK, NICK.

EYES UNDERWATER FOR A FEW DAYS.
I NEED A DRINK, NICK.
IT'S ON NICK WINTERS...

I NEED A DRINK, NICK.
IT'S ON NICK WINTERS...
NICK SPRINGS.

IT'S ON NICK WINTERS...
NICK SPRINGS.
JUST A SECOND.

NICK SPRINGS.
JUST A SECOND.
KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED?

JUST A SECOND.
KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED?
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, WASN'T IT?

KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED?
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, WASN'T IT?
EVERYONE HEARD THAT?

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, WASN'T IT?
EVERYONE HEARD THAT?
[LAUGHS]

EVERYONE HEARD THAT?
[LAUGHS]
HEY, MY ACCOMPANIST,

[LAUGHS]
HEY, MY ACCOMPANIST,
PAUL SHAFFER.

HEY, MY ACCOMPANIST,
PAUL SHAFFER.
COME ON, EVERYONE IN THE ROOM.

PAUL SHAFFER.
COME ON, EVERYONE IN THE ROOM.
HEY, WHO WAS PLAYING THEIR MUSIC

COME ON, EVERYONE IN THE ROOM.
HEY, WHO WAS PLAYING THEIR MUSIC
SO LOUD THIS MORNING?

HEY, WHO WAS PLAYING THEIR MUSIC
SO LOUD THIS MORNING?
ANYBODY?

SO LOUD THIS MORNING?
ANYBODY?
DID ANYBODY HEAR SOME REAL LOUD

ANYBODY?
DID ANYBODY HEAR SOME REAL LOUD
MUSIC ABOUT 6:00?

DID ANYBODY HEAR SOME REAL LOUD
MUSIC ABOUT 6:00?
PAUL, DID YOU?

MUSIC ABOUT 6:00?
PAUL, DID YOU?
YES, I DID.

PAUL, DID YOU?
YES, I DID.
DID IT GO SOMETHING LIKE...

YES, I DID.
DID IT GO SOMETHING LIKE...
♪ DA-DA-DA ♪

DID IT GO SOMETHING LIKE...
♪ DA-DA-DA ♪
♪ DUN-DA ♪

♪ DA-DA-DA ♪
♪ DUN-DA ♪
[PIANO PLAYS SAME NOTES]

♪ DUN-DA ♪
[PIANO PLAYS SAME NOTES]
YEAH.

[PIANO PLAYS SAME NOTES]
YEAH.
AAAAH!

YEAH.
AAAAH!
HOW MANY OF YOU WERE FOOLED?

AAAAH!
HOW MANY OF YOU WERE FOOLED?
COME ON, HANDS!

HOW MANY OF YOU WERE FOOLED?
COME ON, HANDS!
I GOT EVERYBODY!

COME ON, HANDS!
I GOT EVERYBODY!
[LAUGHS]

I GOT EVERYBODY!
[LAUGHS]
♪ I'LL FIRST ENCOUNTER YOU ♪

[LAUGHS]
♪ I'LL FIRST ENCOUNTER YOU ♪
♪ NEXT ENCOUNTER ME ♪

♪ I'LL FIRST ENCOUNTER YOU ♪
♪ NEXT ENCOUNTER ME ♪
♪ THE THIRD ENCOUNTER'S LOVE ♪

♪ NEXT ENCOUNTER ME ♪
♪ THE THIRD ENCOUNTER'S LOVE ♪
♪ THE "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"

♪ THE THIRD ENCOUNTER'S LOVE ♪
♪ THE "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"
THE-E-ME! ♪

♪ THE "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"
THE-E-ME! ♪
♪ "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS" THEME ♪

THE-E-ME! ♪
♪ "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS" THEME ♪
THANK YOU.

♪ "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS" THEME ♪
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GO TO YOUR ROOMS.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GO TO YOUR ROOMS.
TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP OR

GO TO YOUR ROOMS.
TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP OR
SOMETHING... WHATEVER IT IS YOU

TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP OR
SOMETHING... WHATEVER IT IS YOU
KIDS DO.

SOMETHING... WHATEVER IT IS YOU
KIDS DO.
HAPPY HONEYMOON, EVERYBODY!

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE SALAD.
I TOLD YOU... BECAUSE I HATE

YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE SALAD.
I TOLD YOU... BECAUSE I HATE
PIMENTOS.

I TOLD YOU... BECAUSE I HATE
PIMENTOS.
SO?

PIMENTOS.
SO?
SO I HATE PIMENTOS, YOU KNOW?

SO?
SO I HATE PIMENTOS, YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY

SO I HATE PIMENTOS, YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY
ARE.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY
ARE.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE PIMENTOS?

ARE.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE PIMENTOS?
THEY'RE RED THINGS YOU PUT IN

I MEAN, WHAT ARE PIMENTOS?
THEY'RE RED THINGS YOU PUT IN
OLIVES AND SALADS, BUT WHAT ARE

THEY'RE RED THINGS YOU PUT IN
OLIVES AND SALADS, BUT WHAT ARE
THEY... ACTUAL THINGS, YOU KNOW?

OLIVES AND SALADS, BUT WHAT ARE
THEY... ACTUAL THINGS, YOU KNOW?
DO THEY GROW ON FARMS?

THEY... ACTUAL THINGS, YOU KNOW?
DO THEY GROW ON FARMS?
ARE THERE PIMENTO FARMS? WHAT?

DO THEY GROW ON FARMS?
ARE THERE PIMENTO FARMS? WHAT?
I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY

ARE THERE PIMENTO FARMS? WHAT?
I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY
TO KNOW IF THERE ARE PIMENTO

I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY
TO KNOW IF THERE ARE PIMENTO
FARMS IN ORDER TO EAT SALADS

TO KNOW IF THERE ARE PIMENTO
FARMS IN ORDER TO EAT SALADS
THAT CONTAIN PIMENTOS.

FARMS IN ORDER TO EAT SALADS
THAT CONTAIN PIMENTOS.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER KNOWN

THAT CONTAIN PIMENTOS.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER KNOWN
YOU TO INTERROGATE ME ABOUT A

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER KNOWN
YOU TO INTERROGATE ME ABOUT A
GARNISH BEFORE.

YOU TO INTERROGATE ME ABOUT A
GARNISH BEFORE.
WELL, IT'S NOT JUST THE

GARNISH BEFORE.
WELL, IT'S NOT JUST THE
GARNISH, OKAY?

WELL, IT'S NOT JUST THE
GARNISH, OKAY?
IT'S OTHER THINGS.

GARNISH, OKAY?
IT'S OTHER THINGS.
IT'S BIGGER THINGS.

IT'S OTHER THINGS.
IT'S BIGGER THINGS.
THURSDAY AT 10:30... WHAT DO

IT'S BIGGER THINGS.
THURSDAY AT 10:30... WHAT DO
WE GOT?

THURSDAY AT 10:30... WHAT DO
WE GOT?
[SCOFFS]

WE GOT?
[SCOFFS]
OKAY, AVOIDING THE SUBJECT.

[SCOFFS]
OKAY, AVOIDING THE SUBJECT.
BUILDING UP A NICE,

OKAY, AVOIDING THE SUBJECT.
BUILDING UP A NICE,
UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

BUILDING UP A NICE,
UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
THAT'LL BE FUN.

UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
THAT'LL BE FUN.
YOU THINK ANYTHING GOOD IS

THAT'LL BE FUN.
YOU THINK ANYTHING GOOD IS
ON?

YOU THINK ANYTHING GOOD IS
ON?
IS THAT YOUR FAVORITE

ON?
IS THAT YOUR FAVORITE
SENTENCE?

IS THAT YOUR FAVORITE
SENTENCE?
"IS ANYTHING GOOD ON?"

SENTENCE?
"IS ANYTHING GOOD ON?"
NO, MY FAVORITE SENTENCE IS

"IS ANYTHING GOOD ON?"
NO, MY FAVORITE SENTENCE IS
"HELLO, HURT ME."

NO, MY FAVORITE SENTENCE IS
"HELLO, HURT ME."
OH, WELL, I GUESS THIS IS

"HELLO, HURT ME."
OH, WELL, I GUESS THIS IS
GOING TO BE THE PART OF THE

OH, WELL, I GUESS THIS IS
GOING TO BE THE PART OF THE
EVENING WHERE WE WATCH TV AND

GOING TO BE THE PART OF THE
EVENING WHERE WE WATCH TV AND
YOU MOUTH THE LINES WITH THEM ON

EVENING WHERE WE WATCH TV AND
YOU MOUTH THE LINES WITH THEM ON
"THE HONEYMOONERS."

YOU MOUTH THE LINES WITH THEM ON
"THE HONEYMOONERS."
"FELIX AND OSCAR GET INVITED

"THE HONEYMOONERS."
"FELIX AND OSCAR GET INVITED
TO A BOWLING TOURNAMENT."

"FELIX AND OSCAR GET INVITED
TO A BOWLING TOURNAMENT."
I SAW THAT THIS AFTERNOON.

TO A BOWLING TOURNAMENT."
I SAW THAT THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT WAS ON THIS AFTERNOON.

I SAW THAT THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT WAS ON THIS AFTERNOON.
I HATE THAT.

THAT WAS ON THIS AFTERNOON.
I HATE THAT.
I HATE WHEN THEY PUT ON IN THE

I HATE THAT.
I HATE WHEN THEY PUT ON IN THE
AFTERNOON WHAT THEY'RE GONNA PUT

I HATE WHEN THEY PUT ON IN THE
AFTERNOON WHAT THEY'RE GONNA PUT
ON IN THE EVENING.

AFTERNOON WHAT THEY'RE GONNA PUT
ON IN THE EVENING.
YOU HATE IT, BUT YOU'LL WATCH

ON IN THE EVENING.
YOU HATE IT, BUT YOU'LL WATCH
IT.

YOU HATE IT, BUT YOU'LL WATCH
IT.
TRUE. TRUE.

IT.
TRUE. TRUE.
I'M INTO A LOT OF THINGS I HATE.

TRUE. TRUE.
I'M INTO A LOT OF THINGS I HATE.
[TV TURNS ON]

I'M INTO A LOT OF THINGS I HATE.
[TV TURNS ON]
[ LAUGH TRACK PLAYS]

[TV TURNS ON]
[ LAUGH TRACK PLAYS]
LOOKS LIKE THE ALAMO.

[ LAUGH TRACK PLAYS]
LOOKS LIKE THE ALAMO.
WE'RE A NONSECTARIAN GROUP

LOOKS LIKE THE ALAMO.
WE'RE A NONSECTARIAN GROUP
DEVOTED TO THE SIMPLER THINGS

WE'RE A NONSECTARIAN GROUP
DEVOTED TO THE SIMPLER THINGS
IN LIFE.

DEVOTED TO THE SIMPLER THINGS
IN LIFE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

IN LIFE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL DONATE $10 IF YOU'LL MAKE

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL DONATE $10 IF YOU'LL MAKE
ME A SIMPLE HAMBURGER.

I'LL DONATE $10 IF YOU'LL MAKE
ME A SIMPLE HAMBURGER.
OH, WHY ARE WE WATCHING

ME A SIMPLE HAMBURGER.
OH, WHY ARE WE WATCHING
THIS SHOW?!

OH, WHY ARE WE WATCHING
THIS SHOW?!
BECAUSE IT'S GOOD.

THIS SHOW?!
BECAUSE IT'S GOOD.
I HATE THAT EXPRESSION "IT'S

BECAUSE IT'S GOOD.
I HATE THAT EXPRESSION "IT'S
GOOD."

I HATE THAT EXPRESSION "IT'S
GOOD."
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY TO

GOOD."
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY TO
DESCRIBE MEDIOCRE CHINESE

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY TO
DESCRIBE MEDIOCRE CHINESE
RESTAURANTS AND MOVIES THEY

DESCRIBE MEDIOCRE CHINESE
RESTAURANTS AND MOVIES THEY
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

RESTAURANTS AND MOVIES THEY
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH

DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH
"GOOD"?

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH
"GOOD"?
IT'S SUCH A NOTHING CONCEPT.

"GOOD"?
IT'S SUCH A NOTHING CONCEPT.
IT'S LIKE "NICE"... "GOOD" AND

IT'S SUCH A NOTHING CONCEPT.
IT'S LIKE "NICE"... "GOOD" AND
"NICE."

IT'S LIKE "NICE"... "GOOD" AND
"NICE."
I'LL BET THEY WAVE TO EACH OTHER

"NICE."
I'LL BET THEY WAVE TO EACH OTHER
FROM ACROSS THE DICTIONARY.

I'LL BET THEY WAVE TO EACH OTHER
FROM ACROSS THE DICTIONARY.
YOU KNOW, THAT IS EXACTLY THE

FROM ACROSS THE DICTIONARY.
YOU KNOW, THAT IS EXACTLY THE
KIND OF THING YOU WOULD SAY.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS EXACTLY THE
KIND OF THING YOU WOULD SAY.
THAT IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF

KIND OF THING YOU WOULD SAY.
THAT IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF
"DOT YOUR I's WITH LITTLE

THAT IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF
"DOT YOUR I's WITH LITTLE
CIRCLES" OUTLOOK ON LIFE THAT

"DOT YOUR I's WITH LITTLE
CIRCLES" OUTLOOK ON LIFE THAT
YOU HAVE.

CIRCLES" OUTLOOK ON LIFE THAT
YOU HAVE.
I DON'T DOT MY I's WITH

YOU HAVE.
I DON'T DOT MY I's WITH
LITTLE CIRCLES.

I DON'T DOT MY I's WITH
LITTLE CIRCLES.
YOU SPELL YOUR NAME WITH AN

LITTLE CIRCLES.
YOU SPELL YOUR NAME WITH AN
"I."

YOU SPELL YOUR NAME WITH AN
"I."
"JUDI" WITH AN "I"... WHICH, IN

"I."
"JUDI" WITH AN "I"... WHICH, IN
1967, I WILL JUST BET WAS TOPPED

"JUDI" WITH AN "I"... WHICH, IN
1967, I WILL JUST BET WAS TOPPED
BY AN ADORABLE LITTLE CIRCLE.

1967, I WILL JUST BET WAS TOPPED
BY AN ADORABLE LITTLE CIRCLE.
NO, IT WASN'T.

BY AN ADORABLE LITTLE CIRCLE.
NO, IT WASN'T.
YEAH, OR A HEART.

NO, IT WASN'T.
YEAH, OR A HEART.
IT WAS ADORABLE, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, OR A HEART.
IT WAS ADORABLE, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET ADORABLE?

IT WAS ADORABLE, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET ADORABLE?
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN YOU PUT

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET ADORABLE?
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN YOU PUT
YOUR OLD... MY OLD FLANNEL

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN YOU PUT
YOUR OLD... MY OLD FLANNEL
SHIRT, WHICH YOU PUT ON BECAUSE

YOUR OLD... MY OLD FLANNEL
SHIRT, WHICH YOU PUT ON BECAUSE
YOU SAY IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE,

SHIRT, WHICH YOU PUT ON BECAUSE
YOU SAY IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE,
BUT REALLY BECAUSE IT'S BIG ON

YOU SAY IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE,
BUT REALLY BECAUSE IT'S BIG ON
YOU AND YOU THINK YOU LOOK

BUT REALLY BECAUSE IT'S BIG ON
YOU AND YOU THINK YOU LOOK
ADORABLE IN IT.

YOU AND YOU THINK YOU LOOK
ADORABLE IN IT.
THIS IS A TRUE THING ABOUT YOU.

ADORABLE IN IT.
THIS IS A TRUE THING ABOUT YOU.
THERE'S LOTS OF LATENT

THIS IS A TRUE THING ABOUT YOU.
THERE'S LOTS OF LATENT
ADORABLENESS.

THERE'S LOTS OF LATENT
ADORABLENESS.
YOU DON'T WATCH OUT, ONE DAY

ADORABLENESS.
YOU DON'T WATCH OUT, ONE DAY
YOU'RE GONNA PUT ON MY SHIRT,

YOU DON'T WATCH OUT, ONE DAY
YOU'RE GONNA PUT ON MY SHIRT,
GET A "HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY"

YOU'RE GONNA PUT ON MY SHIRT,
GET A "HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY"
BUMPER STICKER, AND BUY LOTS OF

GET A "HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY"
BUMPER STICKER, AND BUY LOTS OF
"JOTTINGS FROM JUDI" STATIONERY.

BUMPER STICKER, AND BUY LOTS OF
"JOTTINGS FROM JUDI" STATIONERY.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE

"JOTTINGS FROM JUDI" STATIONERY.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE
CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE
CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE.
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GONNA

CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE.
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GONNA
JUST MOUTH THE WORDS ALONG WITH

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GONNA
JUST MOUTH THE WORDS ALONG WITH
FELIX AND OSCAR, OKAY?

JUST MOUTH THE WORDS ALONG WITH
FELIX AND OSCAR, OKAY?
OH, ENJOY.

FELIX AND OSCAR, OKAY?
OH, ENJOY.
PIMENTO BIGOT.

OH, ENJOY.
PIMENTO BIGOT.
PLUS, YOU LOVE CALLING POTATO

PIMENTO BIGOT.
PLUS, YOU LOVE CALLING POTATO
CHIPS "THAT POISON."

PLUS, YOU LOVE CALLING POTATO
CHIPS "THAT POISON."
YOU JUST LOVE CALLING POTATO

CHIPS "THAT POISON."
YOU JUST LOVE CALLING POTATO
CHIPS AND CANDY "THAT POISON."

YOU JUST LOVE CALLING POTATO
CHIPS AND CANDY "THAT POISON."
THESE ARE FOODS WHICH, FOR MANY

CHIPS AND CANDY "THAT POISON."
THESE ARE FOODS WHICH, FOR MANY
YEARS, YOU ATE DAILY.

THESE ARE FOODS WHICH, FOR MANY
YEARS, YOU ATE DAILY.
BUT NOW YOU LOVE TO CALL THEM

YEARS, YOU ATE DAILY.
BUT NOW YOU LOVE TO CALL THEM
"THAT POISON."

BUT NOW YOU LOVE TO CALL THEM
"THAT POISON."
I STILL ENJOY THESE FOODS.

"THAT POISON."
I STILL ENJOY THESE FOODS.
I AM WAITING FOR THE DAY THAT I

I STILL ENJOY THESE FOODS.
I AM WAITING FOR THE DAY THAT I
WILL HAVE THE PEANUT-BUTTER-CUP

I AM WAITING FOR THE DAY THAT I
WILL HAVE THE PEANUT-BUTTER-CUP
ATTACK THAT WILL KILL ME, BUT

WILL HAVE THE PEANUT-BUTTER-CUP
ATTACK THAT WILL KILL ME, BUT
UNTIL THEN, I'M SUCKING THEM

ATTACK THAT WILL KILL ME, BUT
UNTIL THEN, I'M SUCKING THEM
DOWN, SISTER!

UNTIL THEN, I'M SUCKING THEM
DOWN, SISTER!
SUCKING DOWN THE POISON, WHICH I

DOWN, SISTER!
SUCKING DOWN THE POISON, WHICH I
WOULD PREFER IF YOU DID NOT

SUCKING DOWN THE POISON, WHICH I
WOULD PREFER IF YOU DID NOT
MENTION.

WOULD PREFER IF YOU DID NOT
MENTION.
YOU KNOW, BASICALLY, THIS MAKES

MENTION.
YOU KNOW, BASICALLY, THIS MAKES
ME PUKE, OKAY?

YOU KNOW, BASICALLY, THIS MAKES
ME PUKE, OKAY?
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.

ME PUKE, OKAY?
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.
I MEAN, I'M ONTO YOU, YOU

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.
I MEAN, I'M ONTO YOU, YOU
KNOW... EATING PIMENTOS, PUTTING

I MEAN, I'M ONTO YOU, YOU
KNOW... EATING PIMENTOS, PUTTING
DOWN POTATO CHIPS.

KNOW... EATING PIMENTOS, PUTTING
DOWN POTATO CHIPS.
YOU COULD REALLY CONVINCE ME

DOWN POTATO CHIPS.
YOU COULD REALLY CONVINCE ME
THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE

YOU COULD REALLY CONVINCE ME
THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
"PERFUME AD TODAY" GIRLS, EXCEPT

THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
"PERFUME AD TODAY" GIRLS, EXCEPT
THAT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOUR

"PERFUME AD TODAY" GIRLS, EXCEPT
THAT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOUR
TWO FAVORITE MOVIES ARE

THAT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOUR
TWO FAVORITE MOVIES ARE
"FELLINI - SATYRICON" AND

TWO FAVORITE MOVIES ARE
"FELLINI - SATYRICON" AND
"WHERE THE BOYS ARE."

"FELLINI - SATYRICON" AND
"WHERE THE BOYS ARE."
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU LICK A

"WHERE THE BOYS ARE."
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU LICK A
JOINT, YOU ALWAYS HOLD YOUR

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU LICK A
JOINT, YOU ALWAYS HOLD YOUR
TONGUE SO THAT IT MAKES YOU LOOK

JOINT, YOU ALWAYS HOLD YOUR
TONGUE SO THAT IT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE LICKING THE PAPER

TONGUE SO THAT IT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE LICKING THE PAPER
THE MOST EFFICIENT POSSIBLE WAY.

LIKE YOU'RE LICKING THE PAPER
THE MOST EFFICIENT POSSIBLE WAY.
I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN YOU WATCH

THE MOST EFFICIENT POSSIBLE WAY.
I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN YOU WATCH
YOURSELF DOING THIS IN NEARBY

I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN YOU WATCH
YOURSELF DOING THIS IN NEARBY
TOASTERS OR THINGS THAT REFLECT,

YOURSELF DOING THIS IN NEARBY
TOASTERS OR THINGS THAT REFLECT,
WATCHED YOU PRACTICE YOUR

TOASTERS OR THINGS THAT REFLECT,
WATCHED YOU PRACTICE YOUR
TONGUE.

WATCHED YOU PRACTICE YOUR
TONGUE.
SO?

TONGUE.
SO?
"SO"?

SO?
"SO"?
THAT IS LIFE.

"SO"?
THAT IS LIFE.
THAT IS YOU IN LIFE.

THAT IS LIFE.
THAT IS YOU IN LIFE.
AFRAID TO EAT PIMENTOS,

THAT IS YOU IN LIFE.
AFRAID TO EAT PIMENTOS,
PRACTICING YOUR TONGUE.

AFRAID TO EAT PIMENTOS,
PRACTICING YOUR TONGUE.
YOU ARE MR. RIGID.

PRACTICING YOUR TONGUE.
YOU ARE MR. RIGID.
NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE WITHOUT

YOU ARE MR. RIGID.
NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE WITHOUT
KLEENEX.

NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE WITHOUT
KLEENEX.
YOU KNOW...

KLEENEX.
YOU KNOW...
I KNOW YOU.

YOU KNOW...
I KNOW YOU.
I KNOW THAT EVERY TIME YOU WRITE

I KNOW YOU.
I KNOW THAT EVERY TIME YOU WRITE
A NAME IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, YOU

I KNOW THAT EVERY TIME YOU WRITE
A NAME IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, YOU
HAVE TO WRITE IT IN THE SAME

A NAME IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, YOU
HAVE TO WRITE IT IN THE SAME
FELT-TIP PEN AS ALL THE OTHER

HAVE TO WRITE IT IN THE SAME
FELT-TIP PEN AS ALL THE OTHER
NAMES IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK ARE

FELT-TIP PEN AS ALL THE OTHER
NAMES IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK ARE
WRITTEN IN.

NAMES IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK ARE
WRITTEN IN.
I'VE SEEN YOU SKIP OVER WHOLE

WRITTEN IN.
I'VE SEEN YOU SKIP OVER WHOLE
WORKING BIC PENS LOOKING FOR A

I'VE SEEN YOU SKIP OVER WHOLE
WORKING BIC PENS LOOKING FOR A
BLACK FELT-TIP.

WORKING BIC PENS LOOKING FOR A
BLACK FELT-TIP.
LOOK, I AM NOT MR. RIGID.

BLACK FELT-TIP.
LOOK, I AM NOT MR. RIGID.
I MAY NOT BE KING OF THE

LOOK, I AM NOT MR. RIGID.
I MAY NOT BE KING OF THE
GYPSIES, BUT I'M NOT MR. RIGID.

I MAY NOT BE KING OF THE
GYPSIES, BUT I'M NOT MR. RIGID.
I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS

GYPSIES, BUT I'M NOT MR. RIGID.
I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS
MR. GOOD SENSE.

I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS
MR. GOOD SENSE.
THEY KNOW ME AT THE CLEANERS.

MR. GOOD SENSE.
THEY KNOW ME AT THE CLEANERS.
I LIKE GETTING THOSE COUPONS

THEY KNOW ME AT THE CLEANERS.
I LIKE GETTING THOSE COUPONS
FROM THE SUPERMARKET THAT YOU

I LIKE GETTING THOSE COUPONS
FROM THE SUPERMARKET THAT YOU
HAVE TO SCRAPE AWAY THE TOP TO

FROM THE SUPERMARKET THAT YOU
HAVE TO SCRAPE AWAY THE TOP TO
SEE IF IT SAYS YOU WIN $1,000.

HAVE TO SCRAPE AWAY THE TOP TO
SEE IF IT SAYS YOU WIN $1,000.
I LIKE THAT. I ENJOY THAT.

SEE IF IT SAYS YOU WIN $1,000.
I LIKE THAT. I ENJOY THAT.
I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

I LIKE THAT. I ENJOY THAT.
I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
I LIKE SIMPLE THINGS, YOU KNOW?

I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
I LIKE SIMPLE THINGS, YOU KNOW?
I LIKE BLUE SHIELD AND

I LIKE SIMPLE THINGS, YOU KNOW?
I LIKE BLUE SHIELD AND
BLUE CROSS.

I LIKE BLUE SHIELD AND
BLUE CROSS.
THIS, TO ME, IS PLEASURE.

BLUE CROSS.
THIS, TO ME, IS PLEASURE.
I AM PLANTED FIRMLY ON THE

THIS, TO ME, IS PLEASURE.
I AM PLANTED FIRMLY ON THE
EARTH, AND SO ARE YOU, WHICH

I AM PLANTED FIRMLY ON THE
EARTH, AND SO ARE YOU, WHICH
LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT I DON'T

EARTH, AND SO ARE YOU, WHICH
LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT I DON'T
KNOW WHAT THIS BIG HOO-HA IS ALL

LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT I DON'T
KNOW WHAT THIS BIG HOO-HA IS ALL
ABOUT.

KNOW WHAT THIS BIG HOO-HA IS ALL
ABOUT.
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, SOMETHING

ABOUT.
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, SOMETHING
ELSE IS ON YOUR MIND.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, SOMETHING
ELSE IS ON YOUR MIND.
WHAT IS IT?

ELSE IS ON YOUR MIND.
WHAT IS IT?
YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH TOO FAR

WHAT IS IT?
YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH TOO FAR
WHEN YOU KISS.

YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH TOO FAR
WHEN YOU KISS.
I MEAN, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN

WHEN YOU KISS.
I MEAN, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN
WE'RE KISSING AND I SORT OF TRY

I MEAN, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN
WE'RE KISSING AND I SORT OF TRY
TO CLOSE MY MOUTH A LITTLE?

WE'RE KISSING AND I SORT OF TRY
TO CLOSE MY MOUTH A LITTLE?
WELL, THAT'S TO INDICATE TO YOU

TO CLOSE MY MOUTH A LITTLE?
WELL, THAT'S TO INDICATE TO YOU
THAT YOUR MOUTH IS OPEN TOO FAR

WELL, THAT'S TO INDICATE TO YOU
THAT YOUR MOUTH IS OPEN TOO FAR
FOR ME.

THAT YOUR MOUTH IS OPEN TOO FAR
FOR ME.
I MEAN, THIS IS A SIGNAL.

FOR ME.
I MEAN, THIS IS A SIGNAL.
SHALL WE GO ON?

I MEAN, THIS IS A SIGNAL.
SHALL WE GO ON?
OKAY.

SHALL WE GO ON?
OKAY.
OKAY.

OKAY.
OKAY.
FOREPLAY, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY.
FOREPLAY, ALL RIGHT?
FOREPLAY.

FOREPLAY, ALL RIGHT?
FOREPLAY.
OKAY, YOU KNOW THAT THING WHEN

FOREPLAY.
OKAY, YOU KNOW THAT THING WHEN
YOU KISS ME IN THOSE LITTLE

OKAY, YOU KNOW THAT THING WHEN
YOU KISS ME IN THOSE LITTLE
CIRCLES THAT GET BIGGER AND

YOU KISS ME IN THOSE LITTLE
CIRCLES THAT GET BIGGER AND
BIGGER ALL AROUND MY BACK?

CIRCLES THAT GET BIGGER AND
BIGGER ALL AROUND MY BACK?
AND THEN YOU START WORKING YOUR

BIGGER ALL AROUND MY BACK?
AND THEN YOU START WORKING YOUR
WAY INTO CRUCIAL AREAS VERY

AND THEN YOU START WORKING YOUR
WAY INTO CRUCIAL AREAS VERY
SLOWLY TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?

WAY INTO CRUCIAL AREAS VERY
SLOWLY TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?
IT'S BORING.

SLOWLY TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?
IT'S BORING.
I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS BECAUSE I

IT'S BORING.
I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS BECAUSE I
CAN TELL YOU WORKED REAL HARD ON

I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS BECAUSE I
CAN TELL YOU WORKED REAL HARD ON
THE TIMING, YOU KNOW?

CAN TELL YOU WORKED REAL HARD ON
THE TIMING, YOU KNOW?
NOT TO GO TOO FAST, NOT TO GO

THE TIMING, YOU KNOW?
NOT TO GO TOO FAST, NOT TO GO
TOO SLOW, AND YOU GOT THIS REAL

NOT TO GO TOO FAST, NOT TO GO
TOO SLOW, AND YOU GOT THIS REAL
GOOD BUILDUP TO ECSTASY, SO I

TOO SLOW, AND YOU GOT THIS REAL
GOOD BUILDUP TO ECSTASY, SO I
HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?

GOOD BUILDUP TO ECSTASY, SO I
HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?
NOT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT

HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?
NOT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT
IT'S BORING!

NOT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT
IT'S BORING!
IT'S LIKE SITTING THROUGH COMING

IT'S BORING!
IT'S LIKE SITTING THROUGH COMING
ATTRACTIONS.

IT'S LIKE SITTING THROUGH COMING
ATTRACTIONS.
LAST WEEK, YOU TIED ME UP.

ATTRACTIONS.
LAST WEEK, YOU TIED ME UP.
YOU ASKED ME TO.

LAST WEEK, YOU TIED ME UP.
YOU ASKED ME TO.
WE AGREED.

YOU ASKED ME TO.
WE AGREED.
I KNOW WE AGREED.

WE AGREED.
I KNOW WE AGREED.
THEN, YOU LEFT THE ROOM!

I KNOW WE AGREED.
THEN, YOU LEFT THE ROOM!
YOU LEFT THE ROOM!

THEN, YOU LEFT THE ROOM!
YOU LEFT THE ROOM!
WELL, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP

YOU LEFT THE ROOM!
WELL, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP
WITHOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH.

WELL, I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP
WITHOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH.
I WAS TIED UP!

WITHOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH.
I WAS TIED UP!
DID I LOOK LIKE I WAS GOING TO

I WAS TIED UP!
DID I LOOK LIKE I WAS GOING TO
SLEEP?

DID I LOOK LIKE I WAS GOING TO
SLEEP?
ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH LONGER IS

SLEEP?
ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH LONGER IS
THIS GOING TO TAKE?

ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH LONGER IS
THIS GOING TO TAKE?
THIS IS IT.

THIS GOING TO TAKE?
THIS IS IT.
ALSO, ONCE, VERY RECENTLY...

THIS IS IT.
ALSO, ONCE, VERY RECENTLY...
I WRAPPED MY LEGS AROUND YOUR

ALSO, ONCE, VERY RECENTLY...
I WRAPPED MY LEGS AROUND YOUR
CHEST.

I WRAPPED MY LEGS AROUND YOUR
CHEST.
AND IT ENDED UP TO BE FOR

CHEST.
AND IT ENDED UP TO BE FOR
ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

AND IT ENDED UP TO BE FOR
ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.
I MEAN, WHILE I WAS DOING IT, I

ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.
I MEAN, WHILE I WAS DOING IT, I
WAS THINKING, "I'M NOT EXACTLY

I MEAN, WHILE I WAS DOING IT, I
WAS THINKING, "I'M NOT EXACTLY
SURE WHY I'M DOING IT, BUT I'M

WAS THINKING, "I'M NOT EXACTLY
SURE WHY I'M DOING IT, BUT I'M
SURE I'LL FIND OUT."

SURE WHY I'M DOING IT, BUT I'M
SURE I'LL FIND OUT."
ONLY...

SURE I'LL FIND OUT."
ONLY...
LIKE, EITHER YOU GOT CONFUSED OR

ONLY...
LIKE, EITHER YOU GOT CONFUSED OR
YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO DO

LIKE, EITHER YOU GOT CONFUSED OR
YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO DO
WHAT YOU WERE THINKING OR

YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO DO
WHAT YOU WERE THINKING OR
SOMETHING.

WHAT YOU WERE THINKING OR
SOMETHING.
THE POINT IS, IT WAS FOR

SOMETHING.
THE POINT IS, IT WAS FOR
ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!

THE POINT IS, IT WAS FOR
ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!
AND I LOOKED VERY STUPID DOING

ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!
AND I LOOKED VERY STUPID DOING
IT!

AND I LOOKED VERY STUPID DOING
IT!
THE FACT IS, ALL SEX LOOKS VERY

IT!
THE FACT IS, ALL SEX LOOKS VERY
STUPID ON THE WHOLE.

THE FACT IS, ALL SEX LOOKS VERY
STUPID ON THE WHOLE.
SO IF YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING

STUPID ON THE WHOLE.
SO IF YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING
AND YOU KNOW IT LOOKS STUPID,

SO IF YOU'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING
AND YOU KNOW IT LOOKS STUPID,
IT'S GOT TO BE FOR A REASON!

AND YOU KNOW IT LOOKS STUPID,
IT'S GOT TO BE FOR A REASON!
THAT'S ALL!

IT'S GOT TO BE FOR A REASON!
THAT'S ALL!
IT REALLY SHOULD!

THAT'S ALL!
IT REALLY SHOULD!
THAT'S ALL!

IT REALLY SHOULD!
THAT'S ALL!
I HAVE TO DIGEST THIS.

THAT'S ALL!
I HAVE TO DIGEST THIS.
I'M... I'M ONE OF THOSE

I HAVE TO DIGEST THIS.
I'M... I'M ONE OF THOSE
DIGESTERS.

IS ANYTHING GOOD ON?
NAH.

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME.
MY NAME IS DAVID SUSSKIND, MY
HAIR IS PREMATURELY GRAY, AND IF

MY NAME IS DAVID SUSSKIND, MY
HAIR IS PREMATURELY GRAY, AND IF
YOU LISTEN TO SHELLEY WINTERS,

HAIR IS PREMATURELY GRAY, AND IF
YOU LISTEN TO SHELLEY WINTERS,
SHE'LL TELL YOU I FOOL AROUND.

YOU LISTEN TO SHELLEY WINTERS,
SHE'LL TELL YOU I FOOL AROUND.
NOW, TONIGHT WE HAVE FOR YOU

SHE'LL TELL YOU I FOOL AROUND.
NOW, TONIGHT WE HAVE FOR YOU
WHAT I THINK IS AN INTRINSICALLY

NOW, TONIGHT WE HAVE FOR YOU
WHAT I THINK IS AN INTRINSICALLY
PROVOCATIVE, DIAMETRICALLY

WHAT I THINK IS AN INTRINSICALLY
PROVOCATIVE, DIAMETRICALLY
PERTINENT, AND ETYMOLOGICALLY

PROVOCATIVE, DIAMETRICALLY
PERTINENT, AND ETYMOLOGICALLY
SURFEITED PROGRAM.

PERTINENT, AND ETYMOLOGICALLY
SURFEITED PROGRAM.
TOMORROW IS MOTHER'S DAY.

SURFEITED PROGRAM.
TOMORROW IS MOTHER'S DAY.
OUR SUBJECT IS MOTHER, AND MY

TOMORROW IS MOTHER'S DAY.
OUR SUBJECT IS MOTHER, AND MY
GUEST ARE THE FOLLOWING FAMOUS

OUR SUBJECT IS MOTHER, AND MY
GUEST ARE THE FOLLOWING FAMOUS
MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS.

GUEST ARE THE FOLLOWING FAMOUS
MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS.
FIRST, FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE

MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS.
FIRST, FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE
HENRY KISSINGER.

FIRST, FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE
HENRY KISSINGER.
WITH HIM IS HIS MOTHER, CHI CHI.

HENRY KISSINGER.
WITH HIM IS HIS MOTHER, CHI CHI.
ALSO WITH US, NBC TALK-SHOW HOST

WITH HIM IS HIS MOTHER, CHI CHI.
ALSO WITH US, NBC TALK-SHOW HOST
TOM SNYDER AND HIS MOTHER,

ALSO WITH US, NBC TALK-SHOW HOST
TOM SNYDER AND HIS MOTHER,
EMMA LOU.

TOM SNYDER AND HIS MOTHER,
EMMA LOU.
AND FINALLY, HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING

EMMA LOU.
AND FINALLY, HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING
CHAMP OF THE WORLD LEON SPINKS

AND FINALLY, HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING
CHAMP OF THE WORLD LEON SPINKS
AND HIS MOTHER, TOOTS.

CHAMP OF THE WORLD LEON SPINKS
AND HIS MOTHER, TOOTS.
MOTHER'S DAY... WHAT DOES IT

AND HIS MOTHER, TOOTS.
MOTHER'S DAY... WHAT DOES IT
MEAN TO SONS AND MOTHERS?

MOTHER'S DAY... WHAT DOES IT
MEAN TO SONS AND MOTHERS?
DR. KISSINGER, WHAT ARE YOUR

MEAN TO SONS AND MOTHERS?
DR. KISSINGER, WHAT ARE YOUR
THOUGHTS ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY ON

DR. KISSINGER, WHAT ARE YOUR
THOUGHTS ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY ON
THIS MOTHER'S DAY, 1978?

THOUGHTS ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY ON
THIS MOTHER'S DAY, 1978?
WELL, DAVID, AS MY MOTHER

THIS MOTHER'S DAY, 1978?
WELL, DAVID, AS MY MOTHER
USED TO SAY, AND I QUOTE, "YOU

WELL, DAVID, AS MY MOTHER
USED TO SAY, AND I QUOTE, "YOU
CAN TAKE THE BOY OUT OF THE

USED TO SAY, AND I QUOTE, "YOU
CAN TAKE THE BOY OUT OF THE
MOTHER, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE

CAN TAKE THE BOY OUT OF THE
MOTHER, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE
MOTHER OUT OF THE HOUSE."

MOTHER, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE
MOTHER OUT OF THE HOUSE."
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN,

MOTHER OUT OF THE HOUSE."
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN,
MOM?

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN,
MOM?
WELL, WHAT IT MEANS IS NOT

MOM?
WELL, WHAT IT MEANS IS NOT
IMPORTANT, HENRY.

WELL, WHAT IT MEANS IS NOT
IMPORTANT, HENRY.
WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU

IMPORTANT, HENRY.
WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU
REMEMBERED IT.

WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU
REMEMBERED IT.
NOW, MRS. KISSINGER, WHEN

REMEMBERED IT.
NOW, MRS. KISSINGER, WHEN
HENRY WAS A LITTLE BOY, DID YOU

NOW, MRS. KISSINGER, WHEN
HENRY WAS A LITTLE BOY, DID YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA THAT HE'D GROW UP

HENRY WAS A LITTLE BOY, DID YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA THAT HE'D GROW UP
TO BE ONE OF THE CENTURY'S MOST

HAVE ANY IDEA THAT HE'D GROW UP
TO BE ONE OF THE CENTURY'S MOST
FAMOUS DIPLOMATS?

TO BE ONE OF THE CENTURY'S MOST
FAMOUS DIPLOMATS?
WELL, DAVID, THERE ARE TWO

FAMOUS DIPLOMATS?
WELL, DAVID, THERE ARE TWO
WAYS TO LOOK AT IT.

WELL, DAVID, THERE ARE TWO
WAYS TO LOOK AT IT.
A CHILD COULD GROW UP TO BE A

WAYS TO LOOK AT IT.
A CHILD COULD GROW UP TO BE A
DIPLOMAT OR GROW UP NOT TO BE A

A CHILD COULD GROW UP TO BE A
DIPLOMAT OR GROW UP NOT TO BE A
DIPLOMAT.

DIPLOMAT OR GROW UP NOT TO BE A
DIPLOMAT.
BETWEEN THOSE TWO POSITIONS,

DIPLOMAT.
BETWEEN THOSE TWO POSITIONS,
THERE'S PROBABLY A COMPROMISE.

BETWEEN THOSE TWO POSITIONS,
THERE'S PROBABLY A COMPROMISE.
DON'T YOU AGREE, HENRY?

THERE'S PROBABLY A COMPROMISE.
DON'T YOU AGREE, HENRY?
UH, WELL, YES AND NO, MAMA.

DON'T YOU AGREE, HENRY?
UH, WELL, YES AND NO, MAMA.
THAT'S MY BABY.

UH, WELL, YES AND NO, MAMA.
THAT'S MY BABY.
PLEASE, MAMA!

THAT'S MY BABY.
PLEASE, MAMA!
I'M NOT A BABY.

PLEASE, MAMA!
I'M NOT A BABY.
I WON THE NOBEL PRIZE.

I'M NOT A BABY.
I WON THE NOBEL PRIZE.
SO, WHERE IS IT?

I WON THE NOBEL PRIZE.
SO, WHERE IS IT?
I HAVEN'T SEEN A PENNY.

SO, WHERE IS IT?
I HAVEN'T SEEN A PENNY.
WELL, HE'S STILL CHI CHI'S

I HAVEN'T SEEN A PENNY.
WELL, HE'S STILL CHI CHI'S
LITTLE BOY, I GUESS.

WELL, HE'S STILL CHI CHI'S
LITTLE BOY, I GUESS.
AND NOW TURNING FROM THE

LITTLE BOY, I GUESS.
AND NOW TURNING FROM THE
DIPLOMATIC TO THE PUGILISTIC, IF

AND NOW TURNING FROM THE
DIPLOMATIC TO THE PUGILISTIC, IF
YOU WILL... LEON SPINKS.

DIPLOMATIC TO THE PUGILISTIC, IF
YOU WILL... LEON SPINKS.
TRADITIONALLY, BOXERS HAVE

YOU WILL... LEON SPINKS.
TRADITIONALLY, BOXERS HAVE
ALWAYS HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR THEIR

TRADITIONALLY, BOXERS HAVE
ALWAYS HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR THEIR
MOTHERS.

ALWAYS HAD A SOFT SPOT FOR THEIR
MOTHERS.
I REMEMBER AFTER EVERY FIGHT

MOTHERS.
I REMEMBER AFTER EVERY FIGHT
WHEN JOE LEWIS WAS INTERVIEWED,

I REMEMBER AFTER EVERY FIGHT
WHEN JOE LEWIS WAS INTERVIEWED,
HE'D THANK HIS MOTHER.

WHEN JOE LEWIS WAS INTERVIEWED,
HE'D THANK HIS MOTHER.
ARE YOU THE SAME WAY?

HE'D THANK HIS MOTHER.
ARE YOU THE SAME WAY?
[Lisping] YES,

ARE YOU THE SAME WAY?
[Lisping] YES,
MR. SUSSKIND.

[Lisping] YES,
MR. SUSSKIND.
AFTER EVERY FIGHT, I ALSO THANK

MR. SUSSKIND.
AFTER EVERY FIGHT, I ALSO THANK
JOE LEWIS' MOTHER.

AFTER EVERY FIGHT, I ALSO THANK
JOE LEWIS' MOTHER.
MRS. SPINKS, WHAT WORRIES THE

JOE LEWIS' MOTHER.
MRS. SPINKS, WHAT WORRIES THE
MOTHER OF THE HEAVYWEIGHT

MRS. SPINKS, WHAT WORRIES THE
MOTHER OF THE HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?

MOTHER OF THE HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?
WHOO-OO.

CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?
WHOO-OO.
[Lisping] WELL, THE SAME KIND

WHOO-OO.
[Lisping] WELL, THE SAME KIND
OF THINGS THAT WORRY MOST

[Lisping] WELL, THE SAME KIND
OF THINGS THAT WORRY MOST
MOTHERS... CUTS ABOVE THE EYE,

OF THINGS THAT WORRY MOST
MOTHERS... CUTS ABOVE THE EYE,
INTERNAL INJURIES, GROSS MOTOR

MOTHERS... CUTS ABOVE THE EYE,
INTERNAL INJURIES, GROSS MOTOR
IMPAIRMENTS.

INTERNAL INJURIES, GROSS MOTOR
IMPAIRMENTS.
YEAH, YEAH.

IMPAIRMENTS.
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, MAMA TAUGHT ME, YOU

YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, MAMA TAUGHT ME, YOU
KNOW, UH, HOW TO COVER UP.

YOU KNOW, MAMA TAUGHT ME, YOU
KNOW, UH, HOW TO COVER UP.
NOT TO DROP MY LEFT, YOU KNOW,

KNOW, UH, HOW TO COVER UP.
NOT TO DROP MY LEFT, YOU KNOW,
TO KEEP POKING, KEEP POKING.

NOT TO DROP MY LEFT, YOU KNOW,
TO KEEP POKING, KEEP POKING.
OH!

TO KEEP POKING, KEEP POKING.
OH!
AND HOW DID YOU LOSE YOUR

OH!
AND HOW DID YOU LOSE YOUR
TEETH, MRS. SPINKS?

AND HOW DID YOU LOSE YOUR
TEETH, MRS. SPINKS?
WELL, DAVID, I FLOSSED TOO

TEETH, MRS. SPINKS?
WELL, DAVID, I FLOSSED TOO
HARD.

WELL, DAVID, I FLOSSED TOO
HARD.
THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

HARD.
THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT

THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT
LEAST, MOM AND TOM SNYDER.

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT
LEAST, MOM AND TOM SNYDER.
TOM, IS THERE ANYTHING SPECIAL

LEAST, MOM AND TOM SNYDER.
TOM, IS THERE ANYTHING SPECIAL
THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOUR

TOM, IS THERE ANYTHING SPECIAL
THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOUR
MOTHER ON THIS MOTHER'S DAY?

THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOUR
MOTHER ON THIS MOTHER'S DAY?
WELL, BEFORE I ADDRESS ANY

MOTHER ON THIS MOTHER'S DAY?
WELL, BEFORE I ADDRESS ANY
COMMENTS TO MY DEAR MOTHER,

WELL, BEFORE I ADDRESS ANY
COMMENTS TO MY DEAR MOTHER,
DAVID, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY AT

COMMENTS TO MY DEAR MOTHER,
DAVID, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY AT
THE OUTSET THAT YOU DO A MIGHTY

DAVID, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY AT
THE OUTSET THAT YOU DO A MIGHTY
FINE JOB IN THE TALK-SHOW

THE OUTSET THAT YOU DO A MIGHTY
FINE JOB IN THE TALK-SHOW
BUSINESS.

FINE JOB IN THE TALK-SHOW
BUSINESS.
WHAT THE HECK... I'M IN THE SAME

BUSINESS.
WHAT THE HECK... I'M IN THE SAME
BUSINESS.

WHAT THE HECK... I'M IN THE SAME
BUSINESS.
I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU.

BUSINESS.
I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU.
EXCUSE ME, TOMMY.

I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU.
EXCUSE ME, TOMMY.
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, I'D JUST

EXCUSE ME, TOMMY.
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, I'D JUST
LIKE TO TELL DAVID EXACTLY WHAT

BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, I'D JUST
LIKE TO TELL DAVID EXACTLY WHAT
YOU WERE GONNA TELL HIM.

LIKE TO TELL DAVID EXACTLY WHAT
YOU WERE GONNA TELL HIM.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I'M YOUR

YOU WERE GONNA TELL HIM.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I'M YOUR
MOTHER, AND MOTHERS ALWAYS KNOW.

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I'M YOUR
MOTHER, AND MOTHERS ALWAYS KNOW.
TOMMY SAYS HE ADMIRES YOU, AND

MOTHER, AND MOTHERS ALWAYS KNOW.
TOMMY SAYS HE ADMIRES YOU, AND
AS A MATTER OF FACT, EVEN THOUGH

TOMMY SAYS HE ADMIRES YOU, AND
AS A MATTER OF FACT, EVEN THOUGH
YOU'RE RIVALS IN A TOUGH,

AS A MATTER OF FACT, EVEN THOUGH
YOU'RE RIVALS IN A TOUGH,
COMPETITIVE BUSINESS, I THINK

YOU'RE RIVALS IN A TOUGH,
COMPETITIVE BUSINESS, I THINK
IT'S NO BIG SECRET HE'S STILL A

COMPETITIVE BUSINESS, I THINK
IT'S NO BIG SECRET HE'S STILL A
BIG FAN OF YOURS, AND SO AM I,

IT'S NO BIG SECRET HE'S STILL A
BIG FAN OF YOURS, AND SO AM I,
AND I'M HIS MOTHER.

BIG FAN OF YOURS, AND SO AM I,
AND I'M HIS MOTHER.
[BOTH LAUGH]

AND I'M HIS MOTHER.
[BOTH LAUGH]
OKAY, OKAY, MOM.

[BOTH LAUGH]
OKAY, OKAY, MOM.
HA-HA.

OKAY, OKAY, MOM.
HA-HA.
FAIR ENOUGH. I'LL BUY THAT.

HA-HA.
FAIR ENOUGH. I'LL BUY THAT.
SO LONG AS WE'RE HERE IN AN OPEN

FAIR ENOUGH. I'LL BUY THAT.
SO LONG AS WE'RE HERE IN AN OPEN
FORUM, AND I THINK, DAVID, YOUR

SO LONG AS WE'RE HERE IN AN OPEN
FORUM, AND I THINK, DAVID, YOUR
SHOW, AS WELL AS MINE, IS KNOWN

FORUM, AND I THINK, DAVID, YOUR
SHOW, AS WELL AS MINE, IS KNOWN
FOR ITS OPENNESS AND ITS

SHOW, AS WELL AS MINE, IS KNOWN
FOR ITS OPENNESS AND ITS
FRANKNESS, I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS

FOR ITS OPENNESS AND ITS
FRANKNESS, I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS
THIS QUESTION TO MY MOTHER HERE

FRANKNESS, I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS
THIS QUESTION TO MY MOTHER HERE
ON THE EVE OF MOTHER'S DAY, IN

THIS QUESTION TO MY MOTHER HERE
ON THE EVE OF MOTHER'S DAY, IN
FRONT OF ALL OF YOU AND IN FRONT

ON THE EVE OF MOTHER'S DAY, IN
FRONT OF ALL OF YOU AND IN FRONT
OF NATIONAL TELEVISION.

FRONT OF ALL OF YOU AND IN FRONT
OF NATIONAL TELEVISION.
HERE'S MY QUESTION...

OF NATIONAL TELEVISION.
HERE'S MY QUESTION...
DID YOU EVER HAVE SEX WITH A

HERE'S MY QUESTION...
DID YOU EVER HAVE SEX WITH A
MALE PARTNER OTHER THAN DAD,

DID YOU EVER HAVE SEX WITH A
MALE PARTNER OTHER THAN DAD,
MOM?

MALE PARTNER OTHER THAN DAD,
MOM?
THERE IT IS.

MOM?
THERE IT IS.
NOW, WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK

THERE IT IS.
NOW, WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK
OF THAT?

NOW, WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK
OF THAT?
WELL, TOMMY, I HAVE TO ADMIRE

OF THAT?
WELL, TOMMY, I HAVE TO ADMIRE
YOUR INQUISITIVENESS, AND I TAKE

WELL, TOMMY, I HAVE TO ADMIRE
YOUR INQUISITIVENESS, AND I TAKE
MY HAT OFF TO YOU, AND I

YOUR INQUISITIVENESS, AND I TAKE
MY HAT OFF TO YOU, AND I
CERTAINLY WOULD IF INDEED I WERE

MY HAT OFF TO YOU, AND I
CERTAINLY WOULD IF INDEED I WERE
WEARING A HAT, BUT BEING THAT

CERTAINLY WOULD IF INDEED I WERE
WEARING A HAT, BUT BEING THAT
I'M NOT, I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

WEARING A HAT, BUT BEING THAT
I'M NOT, I HAVE TO SAY THIS.
YOU HAVE OVERSTEPPED YOUR

I'M NOT, I HAVE TO SAY THIS.
YOU HAVE OVERSTEPPED YOUR
BOUNDS, AND... I KNOW THAT I'LL

YOU HAVE OVERSTEPPED YOUR
BOUNDS, AND... I KNOW THAT I'LL
PROBABLY GET A LOT OF MAIL ABOUT

BOUNDS, AND... I KNOW THAT I'LL
PROBABLY GET A LOT OF MAIL ABOUT
THIS... INFORMATION LIKE THAT

PROBABLY GET A LOT OF MAIL ABOUT
THIS... INFORMATION LIKE THAT
SHOULD NOT DISCLOSED HERE ON

THIS... INFORMATION LIKE THAT
SHOULD NOT DISCLOSED HERE ON
LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION.

SHOULD NOT DISCLOSED HERE ON
LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION.
THERE, I SAID IT, AND WHAT DO

LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION.
THERE, I SAID IT, AND WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THAT?

THERE, I SAID IT, AND WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THAT?
[CHUCKLES]

YOU THINK OF THAT?
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT THE HECK, MOM?

[CHUCKLES]
WHAT THE HECK, MOM?
WHAT CAN I SAY?

WHAT THE HECK, MOM?
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I WAS WRONG, AND I STAND

WHAT CAN I SAY?
I WAS WRONG, AND I STAND
CORRECTED.

I WAS WRONG, AND I STAND
CORRECTED.
THIS IS CERTAINLY...

CORRECTED.
THIS IS CERTAINLY...
CERTAINLY AN INTERESTING

THIS IS CERTAINLY...
CERTAINLY AN INTERESTING
RELATIONSHIP.

CERTAINLY AN INTERESTING
RELATIONSHIP.
NOW, ONE LAST QUESTION, MOTHERS.

RELATIONSHIP.
NOW, ONE LAST QUESTION, MOTHERS.
I'M GONNA OPEN THIS UP.

NOW, ONE LAST QUESTION, MOTHERS.
I'M GONNA OPEN THIS UP.
WHAT ABOUT THE SIBLINGS?

I'M GONNA OPEN THIS UP.
WHAT ABOUT THE SIBLINGS?
DO THE OTHER CHILDREN FEEL

WHAT ABOUT THE SIBLINGS?
DO THE OTHER CHILDREN FEEL
JEALOUS THAT MOTHER'S MORE PROUD

DO THE OTHER CHILDREN FEEL
JEALOUS THAT MOTHER'S MORE PROUD
OF THESE, YOUR MORE FAMOUS SONS?

JEALOUS THAT MOTHER'S MORE PROUD
OF THESE, YOUR MORE FAMOUS SONS?
OH, MY OTHER SONS, THEY AIN'T

OF THESE, YOUR MORE FAMOUS SONS?
OH, MY OTHER SONS, THEY AIN'T
JEALOUS.

OH, MY OTHER SONS, THEY AIN'T
JEALOUS.
THEY LOVE LEON.

JEALOUS.
THEY LOVE LEON.
THEY'S ALWAYS BAILIN' HIM OUT OF

THEY LOVE LEON.
THEY'S ALWAYS BAILIN' HIM OUT OF
JAIL.

THEY'S ALWAYS BAILIN' HIM OUT OF
JAIL.
OF COURSE A MOTHER WANTS ALL

JAIL.
OF COURSE A MOTHER WANTS ALL
OF HER CHILDREN TO FEEL EQUALLY

OF COURSE A MOTHER WANTS ALL
OF HER CHILDREN TO FEEL EQUALLY
LOVED, AND THEY'RE ALL WONDERFUL

OF HER CHILDREN TO FEEL EQUALLY
LOVED, AND THEY'RE ALL WONDERFUL
IN THEIR OWN WAY.

LOVED, AND THEY'RE ALL WONDERFUL
IN THEIR OWN WAY.
BUT HENRY WAS ALWAYS SPECIAL.

IN THEIR OWN WAY.
BUT HENRY WAS ALWAYS SPECIAL.
HE WAS THE BEST LOOKING.

BUT HENRY WAS ALWAYS SPECIAL.
HE WAS THE BEST LOOKING.
WELL, DAVID, YOU ASKED ME

HE WAS THE BEST LOOKING.
WELL, DAVID, YOU ASKED ME
THAT QUESTION, SIR, AND HERE IS

WELL, DAVID, YOU ASKED ME
THAT QUESTION, SIR, AND HERE IS
MY ANSWER TO YOU, SIR.

THAT QUESTION, SIR, AND HERE IS
MY ANSWER TO YOU, SIR.
I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

MY ANSWER TO YOU, SIR.
I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM.
I FELL IN LOVE, I MARRIED, I HAD

I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM.
I FELL IN LOVE, I MARRIED, I HAD
A CHILD, AND THERE'S CERTAINLY

I FELL IN LOVE, I MARRIED, I HAD
A CHILD, AND THERE'S CERTAINLY
NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT.

A CHILD, AND THERE'S CERTAINLY
NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT.
THE CHILD WAS TOM.

NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT.
THE CHILD WAS TOM.
MY HUSBAND AND I GOT SCARED AND

THE CHILD WAS TOM.
MY HUSBAND AND I GOT SCARED AND
SIMPLY SAID, "NO MORE.

MY HUSBAND AND I GOT SCARED AND
SIMPLY SAID, "NO MORE.
THIS IS IT."

SIMPLY SAID, "NO MORE.
THIS IS IT."
AND I DON'T THINK YOU OR ANYONE

THIS IS IT."
AND I DON'T THINK YOU OR ANYONE
ELSE CAN FAULT ME FOR THAT.

AND I DON'T THINK YOU OR ANYONE
ELSE CAN FAULT ME FOR THAT.
[LAUGHS]

ELSE CAN FAULT ME FOR THAT.
[LAUGHS]
THAT SEEMS FAIR.

[LAUGHS]
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU

THAT SEEMS FAIR.
I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU
CELEBRITIES AND YOUR MOTHERS FOR

I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU
CELEBRITIES AND YOUR MOTHERS FOR
COMING DOWN.

CELEBRITIES AND YOUR MOTHERS FOR
COMING DOWN.
PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK WHEN MY

COMING DOWN.
PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK WHEN MY
GUESTS WILL BE SIX TEENAGE

PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK WHEN MY
GUESTS WILL BE SIX TEENAGE
PROSTITUTES AND THEIR

GUESTS WILL BE SIX TEENAGE
PROSTITUTES AND THEIR
CONGRESSMEN.

PROSTITUTES AND THEIR
CONGRESSMEN.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, AND GOOD

CONGRESSMEN.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, AND GOOD
NIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST IS A VERY OLD FRIEND OF
MINE.

GUEST IS A VERY OLD FRIEND OF
MINE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HIM

MINE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HIM
A LOT.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HIM
A LOT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

A LOT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
[LOW DRONING]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
[LOW DRONING]
[LAUGHTER]

NAH.
GARY TIGERMAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ HOOT OWL ♪
♪ DOG HOWL ♪
♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪

♪ DOG HOWL ♪
♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪
♪ THROWING SILVER DOWN MILE-HIGH

♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪
♪ THROWING SILVER DOWN MILE-HIGH
MOUNTAIN PEAKS ♪

♪ THROWING SILVER DOWN MILE-HIGH
MOUNTAIN PEAKS ♪
♪ IT ECHOED DIRT-FLOOR BABIES'

MOUNTAIN PEAKS ♪
♪ IT ECHOED DIRT-FLOOR BABIES'
CRIES ♪

♪ IT ECHOED DIRT-FLOOR BABIES'
CRIES ♪
♪ BEGGING MAYAN LULLABIES ♪

CRIES ♪
♪ BEGGING MAYAN LULLABIES ♪
♪ THROUGH A MOTHER'S CHANTED

♪ BEGGING MAYAN LULLABIES ♪
♪ THROUGH A MOTHER'S CHANTED
BLESSINGS, HALF ASLEEP ♪

♪ THROUGH A MOTHER'S CHANTED
BLESSINGS, HALF ASLEEP ♪
♪ SWEET SMOKE ♪

BLESSINGS, HALF ASLEEP ♪
♪ SWEET SMOKE ♪
♪ PINE SMOKE ♪

♪ SWEET SMOKE ♪
♪ PINE SMOKE ♪
♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪

♪ PINE SMOKE ♪
♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪
♪ ON THE MOUNTAIN ROAD STILL

♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪
♪ ON THE MOUNTAIN ROAD STILL
MUDDY FROM THE RAIN ♪

♪ ON THE MOUNTAIN ROAD STILL
MUDDY FROM THE RAIN ♪
♪ WHILE STARS AS HARD AND COLD

MUDDY FROM THE RAIN ♪
♪ WHILE STARS AS HARD AND COLD
AS ICE ♪

♪ WHILE STARS AS HARD AND COLD
AS ICE ♪
♪ FLOAT AROUND LIKE FIREFLIES ♪

AS ICE ♪
♪ FLOAT AROUND LIKE FIREFLIES ♪
♪ THE NERVOUS SYSTEM LIGHTNING

♪ FLOAT AROUND LIKE FIREFLIES ♪
♪ THE NERVOUS SYSTEM LIGHTNING
SIGNS ITS NAME ♪

♪ THE NERVOUS SYSTEM LIGHTNING
SIGNS ITS NAME ♪
♪ AND SHIVERING, BRASSY CHURCH

SIGNS ITS NAME ♪
♪ AND SHIVERING, BRASSY CHURCH
BELLS RIDE THE BREEZE ♪

♪ AND SHIVERING, BRASSY CHURCH
BELLS RIDE THE BREEZE ♪
♪ CALLING ACROSS FROM THE 18th

BELLS RIDE THE BREEZE ♪
♪ CALLING ACROSS FROM THE 18th
CENTURY ♪

♪ CALLING ACROSS FROM THE 18th
CENTURY ♪
♪ LIKE A LONELY SACERDOTE

CENTURY ♪
♪ LIKE A LONELY SACERDOTE
MAKING MUSIC ♪

♪ LIKE A LONELY SACERDOTE
MAKING MUSIC ♪
♪ IN THE PLACE OF COMPANY ♪

♪ SWEET SMOKE ♪
♪ POND HOUSE ♪
♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪

♪ POND HOUSE ♪
♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪
♪ SHOOTING BEAMS BETWEEN THE

♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪
♪ SHOOTING BEAMS BETWEEN THE
BAMBOO, STEALING HEAT ♪

♪ SHOOTING BEAMS BETWEEN THE
BAMBOO, STEALING HEAT ♪
♪ FROM THE JUNGLE LIMESTONE

BAMBOO, STEALING HEAT ♪
♪ FROM THE JUNGLE LIMESTONE
FIREPLACE ♪

♪ FROM THE JUNGLE LIMESTONE
FIREPLACE ♪
♪ GRACING HANDS AND FEET AND

FIREPLACE ♪
♪ GRACING HANDS AND FEET AND
FACE ♪

♪ GRACING HANDS AND FEET AND
FACE ♪
♪ STRIPED IN LIGHT, THE HUDDLED

FACE ♪
♪ STRIPED IN LIGHT, THE HUDDLED
BABY'S DREAM ♪

♪ STRIPED IN LIGHT, THE HUDDLED
BABY'S DREAM ♪
♪ HOOT OWL ♪

BABY'S DREAM ♪
♪ HOOT OWL ♪
♪ DOG HOWL ♪

♪ HOOT OWL ♪
♪ DOG HOWL ♪
♪ WHITE OAXACAN MOON ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL THE WAY FROM ROME, THE
ROCK CRITIC AND GOSSIP COLUMNIST
FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE

ROCK CRITIC AND GOSSIP COLUMNIST
FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER, AND MY

FOR L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER, AND MY
SPIRITUAL ADVISER...

VATICAN NEWSPAPER, AND MY
SPIRITUAL ADVISER...
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI!

SPIRITUAL ADVISER...
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Italian accent] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Italian accent] THANK YOU.
HEY, THANK YOU.

[Italian accent] THANK YOU.
HEY, THANK YOU.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK

HEY, THANK YOU.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK
IN AMERICA.

IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK
IN AMERICA.
I'LL TELL YOU, THOUGH, IT'S

IN AMERICA.
I'LL TELL YOU, THOUGH, IT'S
NOT SO WONDERFUL ON THESE

I'LL TELL YOU, THOUGH, IT'S
NOT SO WONDERFUL ON THESE
CRUTCHES, YOU KNOW, BUT THAT'S

NOT SO WONDERFUL ON THESE
CRUTCHES, YOU KNOW, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES.

CRUTCHES, YOU KNOW, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES.
I GOT INTO THIS BIG MOTORCYCLE

THE WAY IT GOES.
I GOT INTO THIS BIG MOTORCYCLE
ACCIDENT IN ROME.

I GOT INTO THIS BIG MOTORCYCLE
ACCIDENT IN ROME.
I JUST PASSED UP A COUPLE OF

ACCIDENT IN ROME.
I JUST PASSED UP A COUPLE OF
TRUCKS, YOU KNOW?

I JUST PASSED UP A COUPLE OF
TRUCKS, YOU KNOW?
AND I JUST WENT DOWN TO

TRUCKS, YOU KNOW?
AND I JUST WENT DOWN TO
STRAIGHTEN OUT MY

AND I JUST WENT DOWN TO
STRAIGHTEN OUT MY
ST. CHRISTOPHER MEDAL, AND FROM

STRAIGHTEN OUT MY
ST. CHRISTOPHER MEDAL, AND FROM
NOWHERE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S

ST. CHRISTOPHER MEDAL, AND FROM
NOWHERE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S
THIS LIKE...

NOWHERE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S
THIS LIKE...
GOT HIT BY A NUN ON A VESPA.

THIS LIKE...
GOT HIT BY A NUN ON A VESPA.
THAT'S RIGHT.

GOT HIT BY A NUN ON A VESPA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M TELLING YOU, I WAS IN THE

THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M TELLING YOU, I WAS IN THE
HOSPITAL, YOU KNOW.

I'M TELLING YOU, I WAS IN THE
HOSPITAL, YOU KNOW.
IT'S JUST BEEN ONE THING AFTER

HOSPITAL, YOU KNOW.
IT'S JUST BEEN ONE THING AFTER
ANOTHER, YOU KNOW, BUT... THANK

IT'S JUST BEEN ONE THING AFTER
ANOTHER, YOU KNOW, BUT... THANK
YOU, GOD... I'M FEELING BETTER

ANOTHER, YOU KNOW, BUT... THANK
YOU, GOD... I'M FEELING BETTER
NOW, YOU KNOW, AND EVERYTHING'S

YOU, GOD... I'M FEELING BETTER
NOW, YOU KNOW, AND EVERYTHING'S
PRETTY GOOD.

NOW, YOU KNOW, AND EVERYTHING'S
PRETTY GOOD.
WHILE I WAS VISITING AT THE

PRETTY GOOD.
WHILE I WAS VISITING AT THE
HOSPITAL, I WAS TRANSLATING

WHILE I WAS VISITING AT THE
HOSPITAL, I WAS TRANSLATING
THIS NEW ENCYCLICAL THAT THE

HOSPITAL, I WAS TRANSLATING
THIS NEW ENCYCLICAL THAT THE
POPE'S COMING OUT WITH IN A

THIS NEW ENCYCLICAL THAT THE
POPE'S COMING OUT WITH IN A
COUPLE OF MONTHS.

POPE'S COMING OUT WITH IN A
COUPLE OF MONTHS.
AND I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S

COUPLE OF MONTHS.
AND I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S
GONNA SHAKE UP A LOT OF PEOPLE.

AND I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S
GONNA SHAKE UP A LOT OF PEOPLE.
THAT POPE, YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY

GONNA SHAKE UP A LOT OF PEOPLE.
THAT POPE, YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY
GOT GUTS.

THAT POPE, YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY
GOT GUTS.
YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE TIME, WE

GOT GUTS.
YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE TIME, WE
DON'T LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE NEW

YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE TIME, WE
DON'T LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE NEW
STUFF, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THEY

DON'T LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE NEW
STUFF, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THEY
CAN'T CHANGE, YOU KNOW.

STUFF, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THEY
CAN'T CHANGE, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, WE'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS AND

CAN'T CHANGE, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, WE'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS AND
YEARS ABOUT JESUS' YOUNGER

LIKE, WE'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS AND
YEARS ABOUT JESUS' YOUNGER
BROTHER.

YEARS ABOUT JESUS' YOUNGER
BROTHER.
HE HAD A YOUNGER BROTHER.

BROTHER.
HE HAD A YOUNGER BROTHER.
BILLY WAS HIS NAME.

HE HAD A YOUNGER BROTHER.
BILLY WAS HIS NAME.
BILLY CHRIST.

BILLY WAS HIS NAME.
BILLY CHRIST.
ACTUALLY, HE'S A STEP-BROTHER,

BILLY CHRIST.
ACTUALLY, HE'S A STEP-BROTHER,
YOU KNOW... A STEP-BROTHER.

ACTUALLY, HE'S A STEP-BROTHER,
YOU KNOW... A STEP-BROTHER.
AND WE GOT PROOF, TOO.

YOU KNOW... A STEP-BROTHER.
AND WE GOT PROOF, TOO.
WE GOT THIS PROOF 'CAUSE WE

AND WE GOT PROOF, TOO.
WE GOT THIS PROOF 'CAUSE WE
GOT, LIKE, PAINTINGS, YOU KNOW.

WE GOT THIS PROOF 'CAUSE WE
GOT, LIKE, PAINTINGS, YOU KNOW.
AND IT SHOWS JESUS WALKING

GOT, LIKE, PAINTINGS, YOU KNOW.
AND IT SHOWS JESUS WALKING
ON THE WATER.

AND IT SHOWS JESUS WALKING
ON THE WATER.
AND THEN NEXT TO HIM, YOU CAN

ON THE WATER.
AND THEN NEXT TO HIM, YOU CAN
SEE, LIKE, THERE'S A LEAF IN THE

AND THEN NEXT TO HIM, YOU CAN
SEE, LIKE, THERE'S A LEAF IN THE
WATER.

SEE, LIKE, THERE'S A LEAF IN THE
WATER.
YOU THINK IT'S A LEAF.

WATER.
YOU THINK IT'S A LEAF.
YOU LOOK REALLY CLOSE, YOU CAN

YOU THINK IT'S A LEAF.
YOU LOOK REALLY CLOSE, YOU CAN
SEE IT'S LIKE THE TOP OF A

YOU LOOK REALLY CLOSE, YOU CAN
SEE IT'S LIKE THE TOP OF A
SNORKEL.

SEE IT'S LIKE THE TOP OF A
SNORKEL.
IT WAS BILLY DOWN THERE, AND

SNORKEL.
IT WAS BILLY DOWN THERE, AND
HIS BROTHER, YOU KNOW, WAS

IT WAS BILLY DOWN THERE, AND
HIS BROTHER, YOU KNOW, WAS
STEPPING ON HIM, YOU KNOW.

HIS BROTHER, YOU KNOW, WAS
STEPPING ON HIM, YOU KNOW.
ON HIS SHOULDERS.

STEPPING ON HIM, YOU KNOW.
ON HIS SHOULDERS.
HE HAD THE SNORKEL, YOU KNOW.

ON HIS SHOULDERS.
HE HAD THE SNORKEL, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE

HE HAD THE SNORKEL, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE
FUN.

I MEAN, I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE
FUN.
I MEAN, JESUS, YOU KNOW, HE

FUN.
I MEAN, JESUS, YOU KNOW, HE
WAS THE GREATEST MAN TO EVER

I MEAN, JESUS, YOU KNOW, HE
WAS THE GREATEST MAN TO EVER
LIVE.

WAS THE GREATEST MAN TO EVER
LIVE.
BUT, I MEAN, HE COULDN'T WALK

LIVE.
BUT, I MEAN, HE COULDN'T WALK
ON WATER, YOU KNOW.

BUT, I MEAN, HE COULDN'T WALK
ON WATER, YOU KNOW.
COME ON.

ON WATER, YOU KNOW.
COME ON.
GROW UP.

COME ON.
GROW UP.
ANYWAY, THE POPE'S NEW

GROW UP.
ANYWAY, THE POPE'S NEW
ENCYCLICAL IS CALLED

ANYWAY, THE POPE'S NEW
ENCYCLICAL IS CALLED
"VITA ES LABORUM."

ENCYCLICAL IS CALLED
"VITA ES LABORUM."
IN ENGLISH, THAT MEANS

"VITA ES LABORUM."
IN ENGLISH, THAT MEANS
"LIFE... IT'S A JOB."

IN ENGLISH, THAT MEANS
"LIFE... IT'S A JOB."
AND THAT'S WHAT WE FOUND OUT.

"LIFE... IT'S A JOB."
AND THAT'S WHAT WE FOUND OUT.
LIFE IS HARD.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE FOUND OUT.
LIFE IS HARD.
YOU THINK IT'S DIFFICULT

LIFE IS HARD.
YOU THINK IT'S DIFFICULT
SOMETIMES.

YOU THINK IT'S DIFFICULT
SOMETIMES.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A JOB.

SOMETIMES.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A JOB.
WE'RE ALL GETTING PAID $14.50 A

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A JOB.
WE'RE ALL GETTING PAID $14.50 A
DAY.

WE'RE ALL GETTING PAID $14.50 A
DAY.
SO, I MEAN, IT DON'T SOUND LIKE

DAY.
SO, I MEAN, IT DON'T SOUND LIKE
MUCH MAYBE, $14.50 A DAY, BUT,

SO, I MEAN, IT DON'T SOUND LIKE
MUCH MAYBE, $14.50 A DAY, BUT,
YOU KNOW, OVER A PERIOD OF LIKE

MUCH MAYBE, $14.50 A DAY, BUT,
YOU KNOW, OVER A PERIOD OF LIKE
60, 70, 80 YEARS, NOTHING TO

YOU KNOW, OVER A PERIOD OF LIKE
60, 70, 80 YEARS, NOTHING TO
SNEEZE YOUR NOSE AT.

60, 70, 80 YEARS, NOTHING TO
SNEEZE YOUR NOSE AT.
AND WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU

SNEEZE YOUR NOSE AT.
AND WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU
DIE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE THE

AND WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU
DIE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE THE
SOUL LEAVES THE BODY... IT'S

DIE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE THE
SOUL LEAVES THE BODY... IT'S
LIKE A LITTLE BUBBLE IN 7UP.

SOUL LEAVES THE BODY... IT'S
LIKE A LITTLE BUBBLE IN 7UP.
JUST GOES SHOOTING UP, AND YOU

LIKE A LITTLE BUBBLE IN 7UP.
JUST GOES SHOOTING UP, AND YOU
SEE YOURSELF GOING DOWN THIS

JUST GOES SHOOTING UP, AND YOU
SEE YOURSELF GOING DOWN THIS
LONG, DARK TUNNEL, BUT YOU'RE

SEE YOURSELF GOING DOWN THIS
LONG, DARK TUNNEL, BUT YOU'RE
NOT AFRAID.

LONG, DARK TUNNEL, BUT YOU'RE
NOT AFRAID.
AND THEN WHEN YOU GET TO THE

NOT AFRAID.
AND THEN WHEN YOU GET TO THE
END, YOU SEE YOUR WHOLE LIFE GO

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET TO THE
END, YOU SEE YOUR WHOLE LIFE GO
BY YOU, YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU

END, YOU SEE YOUR WHOLE LIFE GO
BY YOU, YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU
WAS A LITTLE BABY TILL THE DAY

BY YOU, YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU
WAS A LITTLE BABY TILL THE DAY
YOU DIE.

WAS A LITTLE BABY TILL THE DAY
YOU DIE.
AND THEN... THEY PAY YOU.

YOU DIE.
AND THEN... THEY PAY YOU.
GOD AND HIS HELPERS, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN... THEY PAY YOU.
GOD AND HIS HELPERS, YOU KNOW.
THEY BRING OUT ALL THIS

GOD AND HIS HELPERS, YOU KNOW.
THEY BRING OUT ALL THIS
MONEY, AND THEN GOD GOES OVER

THEY BRING OUT ALL THIS
MONEY, AND THEN GOD GOES OVER
ALL OF YOUR SINS.

MONEY, AND THEN GOD GOES OVER
ALL OF YOUR SINS.
AND YOU GET FINED.

ALL OF YOUR SINS.
AND YOU GET FINED.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, MAYBE LIKE

AND YOU GET FINED.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, MAYBE LIKE
STEALING A CAR IS LIKE $400.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MAYBE LIKE
STEALING A CAR IS LIKE $400.
GOT TO PAY HIM.

STEALING A CAR IS LIKE $400.
GOT TO PAY HIM.
MURDER, IS MAYBE, YOU KNOW, IT'S

GOT TO PAY HIM.
MURDER, IS MAYBE, YOU KNOW, IT'S
THE WORST.

MURDER, IS MAYBE, YOU KNOW, IT'S
THE WORST.
IT'S LIKE $50,000.

THE WORST.
IT'S LIKE $50,000.
AND MASTURBATION, YOU KNOW,

IT'S LIKE $50,000.
AND MASTURBATION, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE 25 OR 35 CENTS.

AND MASTURBATION, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE 25 OR 35 CENTS.
THAT'S A CHEAP SIN.

MAYBE 25 OR 35 CENTS.
THAT'S A CHEAP SIN.
YOU KNOW, BUT FOR A LOT OF

THAT'S A CHEAP SIN.
YOU KNOW, BUT FOR A LOT OF
PEOPLE, IT CAN AMOUNT UP, YOU

YOU KNOW, BUT FOR A LOT OF
PEOPLE, IT CAN AMOUNT UP, YOU
KNOW.

PEOPLE, IT CAN AMOUNT UP, YOU
KNOW.
JUST SHOWS, YOU KNOW, THERE IS

KNOW.
JUST SHOWS, YOU KNOW, THERE IS
NO FREE LUNCH.

JUST SHOWS, YOU KNOW, THERE IS
NO FREE LUNCH.
ANYWAY, YOU GOT ALL OF YOUR

NO FREE LUNCH.
ANYWAY, YOU GOT ALL OF YOUR
SINS, YOU KNOW, AND IF YOU HAVE

ANYWAY, YOU GOT ALL OF YOUR
SINS, YOU KNOW, AND IF YOU HAVE
ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR YOUR

SINS, YOU KNOW, AND IF YOU HAVE
ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR YOUR
SINS, YOU GET TO GO TO HEAVEN.

ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR YOUR
SINS, YOU GET TO GO TO HEAVEN.
BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH

SINS, YOU GET TO GO TO HEAVEN.
BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
MONEY, YOU GOT TO GO BACK AGAIN,

BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
MONEY, YOU GOT TO GO BACK AGAIN,
YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE BE BORN

MONEY, YOU GOT TO GO BACK AGAIN,
YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE BE BORN
AGAIN, AND IT'S LIKE GOING

YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE BE BORN
AGAIN, AND IT'S LIKE GOING
BACK TO WORK, YOU KNOW?

AGAIN, AND IT'S LIKE GOING
BACK TO WORK, YOU KNOW?
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY

BACK TO WORK, YOU KNOW?
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY
TOUGH.

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY
TOUGH.
BUT SOME GUYS, LIKE MAFIOSO

TOUGH.
BUT SOME GUYS, LIKE MAFIOSO
TYPES, YOU KNOW, THEY MIGHT HAVE

BUT SOME GUYS, LIKE MAFIOSO
TYPES, YOU KNOW, THEY MIGHT HAVE
TO SPEND FOUR OR FIVE LIFETIMES

TYPES, YOU KNOW, THEY MIGHT HAVE
TO SPEND FOUR OR FIVE LIFETIMES
AS NUNS JUST MAKING UP FOR IT,

TO SPEND FOUR OR FIVE LIFETIMES
AS NUNS JUST MAKING UP FOR IT,
YOU KNOW?

AS NUNS JUST MAKING UP FOR IT,
YOU KNOW?
MOST NUNS ARE FORMER MAFIOSI.

YOU KNOW?
MOST NUNS ARE FORMER MAFIOSI.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.

MOST NUNS ARE FORMER MAFIOSI.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
ANYWAY, IT WAS MORE THAN

THAT'S THE TRUTH.
ANYWAY, IT WAS MORE THAN
WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF

ANYWAY, IT WAS MORE THAN
WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF
MOMENTS HERE WITH YOU.

WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF
MOMENTS HERE WITH YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA.

MOMENTS HERE WITH YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST WANT TO SAY I HAVE
NEVER SUNG BEFORE IN PUBLIC.
THIS IS A SONG BY GARY TIGERMAN.

NEVER SUNG BEFORE IN PUBLIC.
THIS IS A SONG BY GARY TIGERMAN.
EVERY WORD OF IT...

THIS IS A SONG BY GARY TIGERMAN.
EVERY WORD OF IT...
IS TRUE.

EVERY WORD OF IT...
IS TRUE.
♪ I WANT TO BE SEDUCED ♪

IS TRUE.
♪ I WANT TO BE SEDUCED ♪
♪ I WANT A WOMAN TO TAKE ME OUT

♪ I WANT TO BE SEDUCED ♪
♪ I WANT A WOMAN TO TAKE ME OUT
TO DINNER FOR TWO ♪

♪ I WANT A WOMAN TO TAKE ME OUT
TO DINNER FOR TWO ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO SEE HER EYES GET

TO DINNER FOR TWO ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO SEE HER EYES GET
MOONY ♪

♪ I'D LIKE TO SEE HER EYES GET
MOONY ♪
♪ FLIRTIN' WITH THE THOUGHT ♪

MOONY ♪
♪ FLIRTIN' WITH THE THOUGHT ♪
♪ OF WHAT A LITTLE FLIRTIN'

♪ FLIRTIN' WITH THE THOUGHT ♪
♪ OF WHAT A LITTLE FLIRTIN'
OUGHT TO DO ♪

♪ OF WHAT A LITTLE FLIRTIN'
OUGHT TO DO ♪
♪ I'D LIKE LIKE TO BE REAL

OUGHT TO DO ♪
♪ I'D LIKE LIKE TO BE REAL
COOL ♪

♪ I'D LIKE LIKE TO BE REAL
COOL ♪
♪ LET HER THINK ABOUT GETTIN'

COOL ♪
♪ LET HER THINK ABOUT GETTIN'
LITTLE ME IN BED ♪

♪ LET HER THINK ABOUT GETTIN'
LITTLE ME IN BED ♪
♪ AS I A CHAT ABOUT AFRICAN

LITTLE ME IN BED ♪
♪ AS I A CHAT ABOUT AFRICAN
GENESIS ♪

♪ AS I A CHAT ABOUT AFRICAN
GENESIS ♪
♪ PSYCHOKINESIS ♪

GENESIS ♪
♪ PSYCHOKINESIS ♪
♪ OR SOMETHING STANISLAVSKI

♪ PSYCHOKINESIS ♪
♪ OR SOMETHING STANISLAVSKI
SAID ♪

♪ OR SOMETHING STANISLAVSKI
SAID ♪
♪ I MIGHT DEMUR POLITELY OR

SAID ♪
♪ I MIGHT DEMUR POLITELY OR
FALTER SLIGHTLY ♪

♪ I MIGHT DEMUR POLITELY OR
FALTER SLIGHTLY ♪
♪ IF SHE TRIED TO FONDLE MY

FALTER SLIGHTLY ♪
♪ IF SHE TRIED TO FONDLE MY
KNEE ♪

♪ IF SHE TRIED TO FONDLE MY
KNEE ♪
♪ BUT I'M RELATIVELY CERTAIN

KNEE ♪
♪ BUT I'M RELATIVELY CERTAIN
I WOULD COME ACROSS, IF I KNOW

♪ BUT I'M RELATIVELY CERTAIN
I WOULD COME ACROSS, IF I KNOW
ME ♪

I WOULD COME ACROSS, IF I KNOW
ME ♪
♪ BUT I WANT TO BE SEDUCED ♪

ME ♪
♪ BUT I WANT TO BE SEDUCED ♪
♪ I WANT A WOMAN TO TALK TO ME

♪ BUT I WANT TO BE SEDUCED ♪
♪ I WANT A WOMAN TO TALK TO ME
SUGGESTIVELY ♪

♪ I WANT A WOMAN TO TALK TO ME
SUGGESTIVELY ♪
♪ I WANT TO WANT TO KNOW THAT

SUGGESTIVELY ♪
♪ I WANT TO WANT TO KNOW THAT
SHE'D LIKE ME TO BE ♪

♪ I WANT TO WANT TO KNOW THAT
SHE'D LIKE ME TO BE ♪
♪ WITH HER TOMORROW MORNING ♪

SHE'D LIKE ME TO BE ♪
♪ WITH HER TOMORROW MORNING ♪
♪ DRINKIN' HOT JASMINE TEA ♪

♪ WITH HER TOMORROW MORNING ♪
♪ DRINKIN' HOT JASMINE TEA ♪
♪ I WANT HER TO MAKE ME LAUGH ♪

♪ DRINKIN' HOT JASMINE TEA ♪
♪ I WANT HER TO MAKE ME LAUGH ♪
♪ MAKE A POINT ABOUT TOUCHIN'

♪ I WANT HER TO MAKE ME LAUGH ♪
♪ MAKE A POINT ABOUT TOUCHIN'
ME WHEN SHE TALKS ♪

♪ MAKE A POINT ABOUT TOUCHIN'
ME WHEN SHE TALKS ♪
♪ LEAVIN' ALL THE JEALOUS MEN IN

ME WHEN SHE TALKS ♪
♪ LEAVIN' ALL THE JEALOUS MEN IN
THE JOINT ♪

♪ LEAVIN' ALL THE JEALOUS MEN IN
THE JOINT ♪
♪ TO MUMBLE IN THEIR BEER AND

THE JOINT ♪
♪ TO MUMBLE IN THEIR BEER AND
GAWK ♪

♪ TO MUMBLE IN THEIR BEER AND
GAWK ♪
♪ I KNOW IT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN

GAWK ♪
♪ I KNOW IT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN
I'M NAPPIN' ♪

♪ I KNOW IT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN
I'M NAPPIN' ♪
♪ NODDIN' IN A REVERIE ♪

I'M NAPPIN' ♪
♪ NODDIN' IN A REVERIE ♪
♪ THAT I FIND MYSELF A WOMAN WHO

♪ NODDIN' IN A REVERIE ♪
♪ THAT I FIND MYSELF A WOMAN WHO
COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING ♪

♪ THAT I FIND MYSELF A WOMAN WHO
COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING ♪
♪ STARTING FROM THE MOMENT, SAY,

COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING ♪
♪ STARTING FROM THE MOMENT, SAY,
THAT WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED ♪

♪ STARTING FROM THE MOMENT, SAY,
THAT WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WHO

THAT WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WHO
COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING ME ♪

[APPLAUSE]

♪ I KNOW IT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN
I'M NAPPIN' ♪
♪ NODDIN' IN A REVERIE ♪

I'M NAPPIN' ♪
♪ NODDIN' IN A REVERIE ♪
♪ THAT I FIND MYSELF A WOMAN WHO

♪ NODDIN' IN A REVERIE ♪
♪ THAT I FIND MYSELF A WOMAN WHO
COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING ♪

♪ THAT I FIND MYSELF A WOMAN WHO
COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING ♪
♪ STARTING FROM THE MOMENT, SAY,

COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING ♪
♪ STARTING FROM THE MOMENT, SAY,
THAT WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED ♪

♪ STARTING FROM THE MOMENT, SAY,
THAT WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WHO

THAT WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WHO
COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING

♪ I'D LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WHO
COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING
ME-E-E ♪

COULD GET BEHIND SEDUCING
ME-E-E ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW.
GO TO SEE "THE BIG FIX" IN

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW.
GO TO SEE "THE BIG FIX" IN
OCTOBER.

GO TO SEE "THE BIG FIX" IN
OCTOBER.
["JAWS" THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

OCTOBER.
["JAWS" THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
AAAAH!

["JAWS" THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
AAAAH!
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

AAAAH!
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]