Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Art Garfunkel/Stephen Bishop - full transcript

Announcer: "JACQUES COUSTEAU

GETS AN UNDERSEA ENEMA" WILL NOT

BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY

PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

PROGRAM.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[TEMPO QUICKENS]

[TEMPO SLOWS]

[TEMPO QUICKENS]

[TEMPO SLOWS]

[BAND PLAYS]



IT'S...

STARRING...
WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS...

DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND GILDA RADNER.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ART GARFUNKEL!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ART GARFUNKEL!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE, TWO...
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL ♪
♪ WONDERFUL ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL ♪
♪ WONDERFUL ♪
♪ WONDERFUL ♪

♪ WONDERFUL ♪
♪ WONDERFUL ♪
♪ WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

♪ WONDERFUL ♪
♪ WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT



♪ WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
HISTORY ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
HISTORY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH BIOLOGY ♪

HISTORY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH BIOLOGY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT A

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH BIOLOGY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT A
SCIENCE BOOK ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT A
SCIENCE BOOK ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE

SCIENCE BOOK ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE
FRENCH I TOOK ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE
FRENCH I TOOK ♪
♪ BUT I DO KNOW THAT I LOVE

FRENCH I TOOK ♪
♪ BUT I DO KNOW THAT I LOVE
YOU ♪

♪ BUT I DO KNOW THAT I LOVE
YOU ♪
♪ AND I KNOW THAT IF YOU LOVE

YOU ♪
♪ AND I KNOW THAT IF YOU LOVE
ME, TOO ♪

♪ AND I KNOW THAT IF YOU LOVE
ME, TOO ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,

ME, TOO ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL... ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL... ♪
[FEEDBACK]

WONDERFUL... ♪
[FEEDBACK]
CAN WE STOP?

[FEEDBACK]
CAN WE STOP?
CAN WE DO IT AGAIN?

CAN WE STOP?
CAN WE DO IT AGAIN?
I'M SORRY.

CAN WE DO IT AGAIN?
I'M SORRY.
THE SPEAKER WENT BAD.

I'M SORRY.
THE SPEAKER WENT BAD.
IT SOUNDED WEIRD, RIGHT?

THE SPEAKER WENT BAD.
IT SOUNDED WEIRD, RIGHT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ART?

IT SOUNDED WEIRD, RIGHT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ART?
DID SOMETHING GO WRONG?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, ART?
DID SOMETHING GO WRONG?
THE FEEDBACK AND THE SPEAKER

DID SOMETHING GO WRONG?
THE FEEDBACK AND THE SPEAKER
THREW ME A LITTLE BIT.

THE FEEDBACK AND THE SPEAKER
THREW ME A LITTLE BIT.
BUT LET ME START AGAIN.

THREW ME A LITTLE BIT.
BUT LET ME START AGAIN.
IT'S THAT SPEAKER AGAIN, HUH?

BUT LET ME START AGAIN.
IT'S THAT SPEAKER AGAIN, HUH?
THIS WHOLE PLACE IS FALLING

IT'S THAT SPEAKER AGAIN, HUH?
THIS WHOLE PLACE IS FALLING
APART, REALLY.

THIS WHOLE PLACE IS FALLING
APART, REALLY.
JOHN, IT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY.

APART, REALLY.
JOHN, IT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY.
NO, IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT, ART.

JOHN, IT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY.
NO, IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT, ART.
IT'S NOT.

NO, IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT, ART.
IT'S NOT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

IT'S NOT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
THAT SPEAKER'S BEEN BROKEN FOR

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
THAT SPEAKER'S BEEN BROKEN FOR
QUITE A WHILE.

THAT SPEAKER'S BEEN BROKEN FOR
QUITE A WHILE.
THEY USED IT ON "HULLABALOO" A

QUITE A WHILE.
THEY USED IT ON "HULLABALOO" A
FEW YEARS BACK.

THEY USED IT ON "HULLABALOO" A
FEW YEARS BACK.
YOU SEE, THE NETWORK STILL SEES

FEW YEARS BACK.
YOU SEE, THE NETWORK STILL SEES
US AS A LATE-NIGHT SHOW, SO WE

YOU SEE, THE NETWORK STILL SEES
US AS A LATE-NIGHT SHOW, SO WE
DON'T GET THE GOOD EQUIPMENT.

US AS A LATE-NIGHT SHOW, SO WE
DON'T GET THE GOOD EQUIPMENT.
UH, JOHN..

DON'T GET THE GOOD EQUIPMENT.
UH, JOHN..
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CORPORATE

UH, JOHN..
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CORPORATE
STRUCTURE, ARTIE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A CORPORATE
STRUCTURE, ARTIE.
I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

STRUCTURE, ARTIE.
I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN AROUND HERE

I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN AROUND HERE
FOR THREE YEARS.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN AROUND HERE
FOR THREE YEARS.
I KNOW THESE THINGS, OKAY?

FOR THREE YEARS.
I KNOW THESE THINGS, OKAY?
NOW, IF PAUL WILLIAMS WAS DOING

I KNOW THESE THINGS, OKAY?
NOW, IF PAUL WILLIAMS WAS DOING
A SPECIAL, HE'D GET THE BEST

NOW, IF PAUL WILLIAMS WAS DOING
A SPECIAL, HE'D GET THE BEST
SOUND EQUIPMENT.

A SPECIAL, HE'D GET THE BEST
SOUND EQUIPMENT.
HE'D GET MARSHALL AMPS.

SOUND EQUIPMENT.
HE'D GET MARSHALL AMPS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'D DO IT LIKE

HE'D GET MARSHALL AMPS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'D DO IT LIKE
PROS!

YOU KNOW, THEY'D DO IT LIKE
PROS!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, GUYS?

PROS!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, GUYS?
PROS!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, GUYS?
PROS!
YOU KNOW, BUT IF A MAJOR STAR,

PROS!
YOU KNOW, BUT IF A MAJOR STAR,
LIKE YOURSELF, COMES ON

YOU KNOW, BUT IF A MAJOR STAR,
LIKE YOURSELF, COMES ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," THE

LIKE YOURSELF, COMES ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," THE
SPEAKER FEEDS BACK.

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," THE
SPEAKER FEEDS BACK.
IT'S THE LOWEST!

SPEAKER FEEDS BACK.
IT'S THE LOWEST!
BUT IT'S OKAY.

IT'S THE LOWEST!
BUT IT'S OKAY.
NO, IT GOES ALL THE WAY DOWN

BUT IT'S OKAY.
NO, IT GOES ALL THE WAY DOWN
THE LINE, ARTIE.

NO, IT GOES ALL THE WAY DOWN
THE LINE, ARTIE.
THE SPEAKER IS ONLY THE TIP OF

THE LINE, ARTIE.
THE SPEAKER IS ONLY THE TIP OF
THE ICEBERG.

THE SPEAKER IS ONLY THE TIP OF
THE ICEBERG.
I MEAN, THEY'RE USING US!

THE ICEBERG.
I MEAN, THEY'RE USING US!
YOU KNOW, AND IT JUST SHOULDN'T

I MEAN, THEY'RE USING US!
YOU KNOW, AND IT JUST SHOULDN'T
BE THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW, AND IT JUST SHOULDN'T
BE THAT WAY.
THERE'S NO REASON WHY

BE THAT WAY.
THERE'S NO REASON WHY
GARRETT MORRIS SHOULD HAVE TO

THERE'S NO REASON WHY
GARRETT MORRIS SHOULD HAVE TO
GET UP EARLY AND DRIVE

GARRETT MORRIS SHOULD HAVE TO
GET UP EARLY AND DRIVE
JANE PAULEY TO WORK EVERY SINGLE

GET UP EARLY AND DRIVE
JANE PAULEY TO WORK EVERY SINGLE
MORNING.

JANE PAULEY TO WORK EVERY SINGLE
MORNING.
AND NOW I'VE HAD IT!

MORNING.
AND NOW I'VE HAD IT!
THIS SPEAKER THING, IT'S THE

AND NOW I'VE HAD IT!
THIS SPEAKER THING, IT'S THE
LAST STRAW.

THIS SPEAKER THING, IT'S THE
LAST STRAW.
FORGET IT.

LAST STRAW.
FORGET IT.
JOHN, I DON'T WANT TO START

FORGET IT.
JOHN, I DON'T WANT TO START
ANYTHING.

JOHN, I DON'T WANT TO START
ANYTHING.
THE SOUND WASN'T THAT BAD.

ANYTHING.
THE SOUND WASN'T THAT BAD.
I COULD JUST TAKE IT FROM THE

THE SOUND WASN'T THAT BAD.
I COULD JUST TAKE IT FROM THE
TOP.

I COULD JUST TAKE IT FROM THE
TOP.
DON'T DO IT, ARTIE.

TOP.
DON'T DO IT, ARTIE.
COME ON, DON'T DO THIS.

DON'T DO IT, ARTIE.
COME ON, DON'T DO THIS.
YOU KNOW, DON'T GIVE IN AN INCH.

COME ON, DON'T DO THIS.
YOU KNOW, DON'T GIVE IN AN INCH.
LET'S ASSERT OURSELVES, YOU

YOU KNOW, DON'T GIVE IN AN INCH.
LET'S ASSERT OURSELVES, YOU
KNOW.

LET'S ASSERT OURSELVES, YOU
KNOW.
AND WE'VE DONE A PRETTY GOOD JOB

KNOW.
AND WE'VE DONE A PRETTY GOOD JOB
FOR THIS NETWORK, RIGHT?

AND WE'VE DONE A PRETTY GOOD JOB
FOR THIS NETWORK, RIGHT?
YEAH.

FOR THIS NETWORK, RIGHT?
YEAH.
AND BESIDES, THERE ARE OTHER

YEAH.
AND BESIDES, THERE ARE OTHER
NETWORKS!

AND BESIDES, THERE ARE OTHER
NETWORKS!
THAT'S RIGHT.

NETWORKS!
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THERE ARE OTHER NETWORKS.

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THERE ARE OTHER NETWORKS.
NBC ISN'T GOD!

AND THERE ARE OTHER NETWORKS.
NBC ISN'T GOD!
DO YOU THINK NBC's GOD?

NBC ISN'T GOD!
DO YOU THINK NBC's GOD?
WELL, THEY'RE NOT, 'CAUSE GOD

DO YOU THINK NBC's GOD?
WELL, THEY'RE NOT, 'CAUSE GOD
WOULD NEVER PUT PART 3 OF

WELL, THEY'RE NOT, 'CAUSE GOD
WOULD NEVER PUT PART 3 OF
"LOOSE CHANGE" ON BEFORE PART 2.

WOULD NEVER PUT PART 3 OF
"LOOSE CHANGE" ON BEFORE PART 2.
OKAY?

"LOOSE CHANGE" ON BEFORE PART 2.
OKAY?
YOU STICK WITH ME, ARTIE.

OKAY?
YOU STICK WITH ME, ARTIE.
STICK WITH ME.

YOU STICK WITH ME, ARTIE.
STICK WITH ME.
I'M GONNA FEND FOR YOU.

STICK WITH ME.
I'M GONNA FEND FOR YOU.
DON'T WORRY.

I'M GONNA FEND FOR YOU.
DON'T WORRY.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, COME ON.

DON'T WORRY.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, COME ON.
JOHN, LOOK, IT WAS AN HONEST

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, COME ON.
JOHN, LOOK, IT WAS AN HONEST
ERROR.

JOHN, LOOK, IT WAS AN HONEST
ERROR.
MAYBE I WAS EVEN OFF-KEY A

ERROR.
MAYBE I WAS EVEN OFF-KEY A
LITTLE BIT.

MAYBE I WAS EVEN OFF-KEY A
LITTLE BIT.
I DON'T WANT TO START ANY

LITTLE BIT.
I DON'T WANT TO START ANY
TROUBLE.

I DON'T WANT TO START ANY
TROUBLE.
I'M HONORED TO BE A HOST ON THE

TROUBLE.
I'M HONORED TO BE A HOST ON THE
SHOW.

I'M HONORED TO BE A HOST ON THE
SHOW.
EVERYBODY'S BEEN NICE TO ME ALL

SHOW.
EVERYBODY'S BEEN NICE TO ME ALL
WEEK.

EVERYBODY'S BEEN NICE TO ME ALL
WEEK.
LET'S NOT MAKE WAVES.

WEEK.
LET'S NOT MAKE WAVES.
LET ME JUST DO THE SONG FROM THE

LET'S NOT MAKE WAVES.
LET ME JUST DO THE SONG FROM THE
TOP.

LET ME JUST DO THE SONG FROM THE
TOP.
YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING,

TOP.
YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING,
GARFUNKEL.

YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING,
GARFUNKEL.
YOU REALLY ARE.

GARFUNKEL.
YOU REALLY ARE.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T HAVE TO COME

YOU REALLY ARE.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T HAVE TO COME
OUT HERE, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T HAVE TO COME
OUT HERE, YOU KNOW.
I DIDN'T SEE GILDA OR DANNY OR

OUT HERE, YOU KNOW.
I DIDN'T SEE GILDA OR DANNY OR
ANYONE COME TO YOUR AID WHEN

I DIDN'T SEE GILDA OR DANNY OR
ANYONE COME TO YOUR AID WHEN
YOUR SONG WENT DOWN THE TOILET.

ANYONE COME TO YOUR AID WHEN
YOUR SONG WENT DOWN THE TOILET.
YEAH?

YOUR SONG WENT DOWN THE TOILET.
YEAH?
OH, NO.

YEAH?
OH, NO.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS ME.

OH, NO.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS ME.
I CAME OUT HERE.

YOU KNOW, IT WAS ME.
I CAME OUT HERE.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

I CAME OUT HERE.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I COULD HAVE STAYED IN MY

I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I COULD HAVE STAYED IN MY
DRESSING ROOM, BY MYSELF, AND

I COULD HAVE STAYED IN MY
DRESSING ROOM, BY MYSELF, AND
LET YOU DIE OUT HERE ALONE.

DRESSING ROOM, BY MYSELF, AND
LET YOU DIE OUT HERE ALONE.
BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!

LET YOU DIE OUT HERE ALONE.
BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!
I'VE GOT TO COME OUT HERE AND

BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!
I'VE GOT TO COME OUT HERE AND
HELP YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'VE GOT TO COME OUT HERE AND
HELP YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU TURN ON ME LIKE A SHARK!

HELP YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU TURN ON ME LIKE A SHARK!
COME ON, JOHN, IT'S NOT...

YOU TURN ON ME LIKE A SHARK!
COME ON, JOHN, IT'S NOT...
DON'T "COME ON, JOHN" ME!

COME ON, JOHN, IT'S NOT...
DON'T "COME ON, JOHN" ME!
YOU'RE LIKE ALL THE REST.

DON'T "COME ON, JOHN" ME!
YOU'RE LIKE ALL THE REST.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,

YOU'RE LIKE ALL THE REST.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,
MR. BIG RECORDING STAR.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,
MR. BIG RECORDING STAR.
YOU SOLD OUT.

MR. BIG RECORDING STAR.
YOU SOLD OUT.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO SING

YOU SOLD OUT.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO SING
SONGS... SONGS WITH MEANING,

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO SING
SONGS... SONGS WITH MEANING,
SONGS WITH INTEGRITY.

SONGS... SONGS WITH MEANING,
SONGS WITH INTEGRITY.
THE LYRICS MEANT SOMETHING.

SONGS WITH INTEGRITY.
THE LYRICS MEANT SOMETHING.
LIKE "THE BOXER"... A SONG ABOUT

THE LYRICS MEANT SOMETHING.
LIKE "THE BOXER"... A SONG ABOUT
STREET PEOPLE, LONELINESS.

LIKE "THE BOXER"... A SONG ABOUT
STREET PEOPLE, LONELINESS.
♪ LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI ♪

STREET PEOPLE, LONELINESS.
♪ LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI ♪
THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO PEOPLE.

♪ LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI ♪
THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO PEOPLE.
BUT ARE YOU SINGING THAT NOW?

THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO PEOPLE.
BUT ARE YOU SINGING THAT NOW?
N-O-O-O-O-O!

BUT ARE YOU SINGING THAT NOW?
N-O-O-O-O-O!
NO, YOU GET A LITTLE SUCCESSFUL,

N-O-O-O-O-O!
NO, YOU GET A LITTLE SUCCESSFUL,
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

NO, YOU GET A LITTLE SUCCESSFUL,
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU DROP PAUL SIMON LIKE A HOT

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU DROP PAUL SIMON LIKE A HOT
POTATO, AND NOW YOU'RE SINGING

YOU DROP PAUL SIMON LIKE A HOT
POTATO, AND NOW YOU'RE SINGING
SOME SAM COOKE SONG.

POTATO, AND NOW YOU'RE SINGING
SOME SAM COOKE SONG.
♪ I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN

SOME SAM COOKE SONG.
♪ I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN
"A" STUDENT ♪

♪ I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN
"A" STUDENT ♪
♪ BUT I TRY TO BE ♪

"A" STUDENT ♪
♪ BUT I TRY TO BE ♪
GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.

♪ BUT I TRY TO BE ♪
GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.
I MEAN, I LIKE...

GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.
I MEAN, I LIKE...
IT'S GREAT LYRICS.

I MEAN, I LIKE...
IT'S GREAT LYRICS.
I MEAN, REALLY GOOD LYRICS.

IT'S GREAT LYRICS.
I MEAN, REALLY GOOD LYRICS.
REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

I MEAN, REALLY GOOD LYRICS.
REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
GOOD LYRICS, GOOD SONG.

REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
GOOD LYRICS, GOOD SONG.
OKAY, GO AHEAD WITH YOUR SONG,

GOOD LYRICS, GOOD SONG.
OKAY, GO AHEAD WITH YOUR SONG,
MR. LP.

OKAY, GO AHEAD WITH YOUR SONG,
MR. LP.
BIG MAN, GO AHEAD.

MR. LP.
BIG MAN, GO AHEAD.
NO, GO.

BIG MAN, GO AHEAD.
NO, GO.
LET'S JUST TAKE IT FROM THE

NO, GO.
LET'S JUST TAKE IT FROM THE
TOP.

LET'S JUST TAKE IT FROM THE
TOP.
OH, BY THE WAY, NICE HAIR,

TOP.
OH, BY THE WAY, NICE HAIR,
ARTIE.

OH, BY THE WAY, NICE HAIR,
ARTIE.
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT

ARTIE.
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
GEOGRAPHY ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
GEOGRAPHY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH TRIGONOMETRY ♪

GEOGRAPHY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH TRIGONOMETRY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH TRIGONOMETRY ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
ALGEBRA ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
ALGEBRA ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS SLIDE

ALGEBRA ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS SLIDE
RULE IS FOR ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS SLIDE
RULE IS FOR ♪
♪ BUT I DO KNOW ONE AND ONE IS

RULE IS FOR ♪
♪ BUT I DO KNOW ONE AND ONE IS
TWO ♪

♪ BUT I DO KNOW ONE AND ONE IS
TWO ♪
♪ AND IF THIS ONE COULD BE WITH

TWO ♪
♪ AND IF THIS ONE COULD BE WITH
YOU ♪

♪ AND IF THIS ONE COULD BE WITH
YOU ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL

YOU ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL
WORLD THIS WOULD BE ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL
WORLD THIS WOULD BE ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,

WORLD THIS WOULD BE ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ NOW, I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN

WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ NOW, I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN
"A" STUDENT ♪

♪ NOW, I DON'T CLAIM TO BE AN
"A" STUDENT ♪
♪ BUT I'M TRYIN' TO BE ♪

"A" STUDENT ♪
♪ BUT I'M TRYIN' TO BE ♪
♪ I'M THINKING MAYBE BY BEIN' AN

♪ BUT I'M TRYIN' TO BE ♪
♪ I'M THINKING MAYBE BY BEIN' AN
"A" STUDENT, BABY, BABY ♪

♪ I'M THINKING MAYBE BY BEIN' AN
"A" STUDENT, BABY, BABY ♪
♪ I COULD WIN YOUR LOVE FOR ME ♪

"A" STUDENT, BABY, BABY ♪
♪ I COULD WIN YOUR LOVE FOR ME ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE

♪ I COULD WIN YOUR LOVE FOR ME ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE
MIDDLE AGES ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE
MIDDLE AGES ♪
♪ LOOKED AT THE PICTURES, THEN I

MIDDLE AGES ♪
♪ LOOKED AT THE PICTURES, THEN I
TURN THE PAGES ♪

♪ LOOKED AT THE PICTURES, THEN I
TURN THE PAGES ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW NOTHING 'BOUT NO

TURN THE PAGES ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW NOTHING 'BOUT NO
RISE AND FALL ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW NOTHING 'BOUT NO
RISE AND FALL ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW NOTHING 'BOUT

RISE AND FALL ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW NOTHING 'BOUT
NOTHING AT ALL ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW NOTHING 'BOUT
NOTHING AT ALL ♪
♪ GIRL, IT'S YOU THAT I'VE BEEN

NOTHING AT ALL ♪
♪ GIRL, IT'S YOU THAT I'VE BEEN
THINKIN' OF ♪

♪ GIRL, IT'S YOU THAT I'VE BEEN
THINKIN' OF ♪
♪ AND IF I COULD ONLY WIN YOUR

THINKIN' OF ♪
♪ AND IF I COULD ONLY WIN YOUR
LOVE ♪

♪ AND IF I COULD ONLY WIN YOUR
LOVE ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL

LOVE ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL
WORLD THIS WOULD BE ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL
WORLD THIS WOULD BE ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL

WORLD THIS WOULD BE ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL
WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL
WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,

WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

♪ WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: SOMEDAY, EVERYONE
WILL OWN A WATCH LIKE THIS.
NOW IT IS AVAILABLE ONLY FOR THE

WILL OWN A WATCH LIKE THIS.
NOW IT IS AVAILABLE ONLY FOR THE
PRIVILEGED FEW.

NOW IT IS AVAILABLE ONLY FOR THE
PRIVILEGED FEW.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

THE MOGASAKI CORPORATION OF

TOKYO IS HONORED TO ANNOUNCE...

KROMEGA III.

A WATCH SO COMPLEX IT TAKES TWO
PEOPLE TO MAKE IT WORK.
ONE HAND WEARS THE WATCH.

PEOPLE TO MAKE IT WORK.
ONE HAND WEARS THE WATCH.
THE OTHER HAND PRESSES THE

ONE HAND WEARS THE WATCH.
THE OTHER HAND PRESSES THE
BUTTONS THAT ACTIVATE THE 100%

THE OTHER HAND PRESSES THE
BUTTONS THAT ACTIVATE THE 100%
SOLID-STATE MULTIFUNCTION

BUTTONS THAT ACTIVATE THE 100%
SOLID-STATE MULTIFUNCTION
DIGITAL QUARTZ CRYSTAL

SOLID-STATE MULTIFUNCTION
DIGITAL QUARTZ CRYSTAL
MICROCOMPUTER UNIT, AND NOW

DIGITAL QUARTZ CRYSTAL
MICROCOMPUTER UNIT, AND NOW
YOU'RE READY FOR THE THIRD HAND

MICROCOMPUTER UNIT, AND NOW
YOU'RE READY FOR THE THIRD HAND
TO TRIGGER THE LIGHT-EMITTING

YOU'RE READY FOR THE THIRD HAND
TO TRIGGER THE LIGHT-EMITTING
DIODE AND GIVE YOU A PRECISE

TO TRIGGER THE LIGHT-EMITTING
DIODE AND GIVE YOU A PRECISE
ALPHANUMERIC TIME READOUT

DIODE AND GIVE YOU A PRECISE
ALPHANUMERIC TIME READOUT
ACCURATE TO WITHIN NINE SECONDS

ALPHANUMERIC TIME READOUT
ACCURATE TO WITHIN NINE SECONDS
A YEAR.

ACCURATE TO WITHIN NINE SECONDS
A YEAR.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

A YEAR.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
KROMEGA III.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
KROMEGA III.
COMMAND-CRAFTED IN RUGGED,

KROMEGA III.
COMMAND-CRAFTED IN RUGGED,
IMPACT-RESISTANT BRUSHED CHROME.

COMMAND-CRAFTED IN RUGGED,
IMPACT-RESISTANT BRUSHED CHROME.
IT'S NO WONDER THAT PROFESSIONAL

IMPACT-RESISTANT BRUSHED CHROME.
IT'S NO WONDER THAT PROFESSIONAL
SKIERS PREFER KROMEGA III OVER

IT'S NO WONDER THAT PROFESSIONAL
SKIERS PREFER KROMEGA III OVER
ANY ORDINARY TIMEPIECE.

SKIERS PREFER KROMEGA III OVER
ANY ORDINARY TIMEPIECE.
AND I LOVE LADY KROMEGA III.

ANY ORDINARY TIMEPIECE.
AND I LOVE LADY KROMEGA III.
THE SLEEK, SPACE-AGE STYLING

AND I LOVE LADY KROMEGA III.
THE SLEEK, SPACE-AGE STYLING
COMPLEMENTS ANY OUTFIT, AND THE

THE SLEEK, SPACE-AGE STYLING
COMPLEMENTS ANY OUTFIT, AND THE
CLEARLY DISPLAYED PERPETUAL

COMPLEMENTS ANY OUTFIT, AND THE
CLEARLY DISPLAYED PERPETUAL
CALENDAR HELPS ME TO REMEMBER MY

CLEARLY DISPLAYED PERPETUAL
CALENDAR HELPS ME TO REMEMBER MY
MANY APPOINTMENTS.

CALENDAR HELPS ME TO REMEMBER MY
MANY APPOINTMENTS.
WOULD YOU MIND?

MANY APPOINTMENTS.
WOULD YOU MIND?
THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU MIND?
THANK YOU.
Announcer: KROMEGA III.

THANK YOU.
Announcer: KROMEGA III.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

IT'S LIKE ASKING A STRANGER FOR

THE TIME.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.
AT THE OUTSET OF TONIGHT'S
PROGRAM, I JUST... WITHOUT

AT THE OUTSET OF TONIGHT'S
PROGRAM, I JUST... WITHOUT
BRINGING ANYBODY DOWN, OF

PROGRAM, I JUST... WITHOUT
BRINGING ANYBODY DOWN, OF
COURSE... I JUST WANT TO RELATE

BRINGING ANYBODY DOWN, OF
COURSE... I JUST WANT TO RELATE
A PERSONAL TRAGEDY THAT HAPPENED

COURSE... I JUST WANT TO RELATE
A PERSONAL TRAGEDY THAT HAPPENED
IN MY LIFE, CERTAINLY.

A PERSONAL TRAGEDY THAT HAPPENED
IN MY LIFE, CERTAINLY.
WHEN WE MOVED OUT HERE TO

IN MY LIFE, CERTAINLY.
WHEN WE MOVED OUT HERE TO
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, I EXPECTED,

WHEN WE MOVED OUT HERE TO
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, I EXPECTED,
OF COURSE, TO MISS ALL THE SNOW

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, I EXPECTED,
OF COURSE, TO MISS ALL THE SNOW
AND BAD WEATHER THEY'RE HAVING

OF COURSE, TO MISS ALL THE SNOW
AND BAD WEATHER THEY'RE HAVING
BACK EAST AND TO THE NORTH.

AND BAD WEATHER THEY'RE HAVING
BACK EAST AND TO THE NORTH.
TODAY, I WOKE UP, FOUND MY WHOLE

BACK EAST AND TO THE NORTH.
TODAY, I WOKE UP, FOUND MY WHOLE
CAR COVERED FROM A MUDSLIDE DUE

TODAY, I WOKE UP, FOUND MY WHOLE
CAR COVERED FROM A MUDSLIDE DUE
TO THE TORRENTIAL RAINS WE'VE

CAR COVERED FROM A MUDSLIDE DUE
TO THE TORRENTIAL RAINS WE'VE
BEEN HAVING HERE IN SOUTHERN

TO THE TORRENTIAL RAINS WE'VE
BEEN HAVING HERE IN SOUTHERN
CALIFORNIA.

BEEN HAVING HERE IN SOUTHERN
CALIFORNIA.
SO I GUESS THAT JUST PROVES IT,

CALIFORNIA.
SO I GUESS THAT JUST PROVES IT,
AND YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME.

SO I GUESS THAT JUST PROVES IT,
AND YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME.
THE WEATHER IS EVERYWHERE.

AND YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME.
THE WEATHER IS EVERYWHERE.
TONIGHT ON OUR PROGRAM, WE'RE

THE WEATHER IS EVERYWHERE.
TONIGHT ON OUR PROGRAM, WE'RE
GONNA BE DEALING WITH A SUBJECT

TONIGHT ON OUR PROGRAM, WE'RE
GONNA BE DEALING WITH A SUBJECT
THAT'S BEEN OF CONSIDERABLE

GONNA BE DEALING WITH A SUBJECT
THAT'S BEEN OF CONSIDERABLE
CONCERN TO PEOPLE OF THE LEGAL

THAT'S BEEN OF CONSIDERABLE
CONCERN TO PEOPLE OF THE LEGAL
AND MEDICAL PROFESSIONS.

CONCERN TO PEOPLE OF THE LEGAL
AND MEDICAL PROFESSIONS.
IT'S BEEN GETTING A LOT OF

AND MEDICAL PROFESSIONS.
IT'S BEEN GETTING A LOT OF
ATTENTION IN THE PRESS LATELY.

IT'S BEEN GETTING A LOT OF
ATTENTION IN THE PRESS LATELY.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT

ATTENTION IN THE PRESS LATELY.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
BATTERED HUSBANDS.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
BATTERED HUSBANDS.
AND...

BATTERED HUSBANDS.
AND...
[COUGHS]

AND...
[COUGHS]
EXCUSE ME.

[COUGHS]
EXCUSE ME.
TONIGHT, WE HAVE WITH US A

EXCUSE ME.
TONIGHT, WE HAVE WITH US A
BATTERED HUSBAND, A GENTLEMAN

TONIGHT, WE HAVE WITH US A
BATTERED HUSBAND, A GENTLEMAN
WHO WE'LL BE CALLING FRANK.

BATTERED HUSBAND, A GENTLEMAN
WHO WE'LL BE CALLING FRANK.
FRANK HAS ASKED US NOT TO REVEAL

WHO WE'LL BE CALLING FRANK.
FRANK HAS ASKED US NOT TO REVEAL
HIS REAL IDENTITY OR SHOW HIS

FRANK HAS ASKED US NOT TO REVEAL
HIS REAL IDENTITY OR SHOW HIS
FACE BECAUSE, WELL, LET'S FACE

HIS REAL IDENTITY OR SHOW HIS
FACE BECAUSE, WELL, LET'S FACE
IT.

FACE BECAUSE, WELL, LET'S FACE
IT.
IF I WERE AFRAID OF MY WIFE, I'D

IT.
IF I WERE AFRAID OF MY WIFE, I'D
BE A LITTLE EMBARRASSED MYSELF.

IF I WERE AFRAID OF MY WIFE, I'D
BE A LITTLE EMBARRASSED MYSELF.
[LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY]

FRANK, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US HOW
THE HECK DOES A GUY GET TO BE A
BATTERED HUSBAND, ANYWAY?

THE HECK DOES A GUY GET TO BE A
BATTERED HUSBAND, ANYWAY?
WELL, TOM, MY FIRST WIFE BEAT

BATTERED HUSBAND, ANYWAY?
WELL, TOM, MY FIRST WIFE BEAT
ME 15 YEARS AGO AFTER SHE FOUND

WELL, TOM, MY FIRST WIFE BEAT
ME 15 YEARS AGO AFTER SHE FOUND
ME...

ME 15 YEARS AGO AFTER SHE FOUND
ME...
FOUND ME MASTURBATING.

ME...
FOUND ME MASTURBATING.
SHE, UH, POURED BOILING WATER ON

FOUND ME MASTURBATING.
SHE, UH, POURED BOILING WATER ON
ME AND HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A

SHE, UH, POURED BOILING WATER ON
ME AND HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A
BASEBALL BAT.

ME AND HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A
BASEBALL BAT.
SHE'S BEATEN ME EVER SINCE, AND

BASEBALL BAT.
SHE'S BEATEN ME EVER SINCE, AND
I LIVE IN CONSTANT TERROR.

SHE'S BEATEN ME EVER SINCE, AND
I LIVE IN CONSTANT TERROR.
OF YOUR WIFE, SIR?

I LIVE IN CONSTANT TERROR.
OF YOUR WIFE, SIR?
YES, BUT ALSO TERROR THAT MY

OF YOUR WIFE, SIR?
YES, BUT ALSO TERROR THAT MY
FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS AND

YES, BUT ALSO TERROR THAT MY
FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS AND
COLLEAGUES AT WORK WILL DISCOVER

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS AND
COLLEAGUES AT WORK WILL DISCOVER
THE HUMILIATING TRUTH THAT I AM

COLLEAGUES AT WORK WILL DISCOVER
THE HUMILIATING TRUTH THAT I AM
A BATTERED HUSBAND.

THE HUMILIATING TRUTH THAT I AM
A BATTERED HUSBAND.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE

A BATTERED HUSBAND.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE
TO SPEAK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE
TO SPEAK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS
BEFORE, AND I'M HERE TODAY

TO SPEAK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS
BEFORE, AND I'M HERE TODAY
ANONYMOUSLY TO HELP OTHER MEN

BEFORE, AND I'M HERE TODAY
ANONYMOUSLY TO HELP OTHER MEN
WHO ARE LIVING IN THIS DARK,

ANONYMOUSLY TO HELP OTHER MEN
WHO ARE LIVING IN THIS DARK,
TORTURED, PRIVATE HELL.

WHO ARE LIVING IN THIS DARK,
TORTURED, PRIVATE HELL.
I WANT TO SHOW THEM THAT THERE

TORTURED, PRIVATE HELL.
I WANT TO SHOW THEM THAT THERE
ARE OTHERS WHO MASTURBATE AND

I WANT TO SHOW THEM THAT THERE
ARE OTHERS WHO MASTURBATE AND
CRY ALONE IN THE DARK OUT OF

ARE OTHERS WHO MASTURBATE AND
CRY ALONE IN THE DARK OUT OF
SHAME AND FEAR.

CRY ALONE IN THE DARK OUT OF
SHAME AND FEAR.
OKAY, SIR, I'LL BUY THAT,

SHAME AND FEAR.
OKAY, SIR, I'LL BUY THAT,
ANDY.

OKAY, SIR, I'LL BUY THAT,
ANDY.
UH, I'M SORRY... FRANK.

ANDY.
UH, I'M SORRY... FRANK.
YOUR NAME'S NOT ANDY.

UH, I'M SORRY... FRANK.
YOUR NAME'S NOT ANDY.
IT'S NOT FRANK, EITHER.

YOUR NAME'S NOT ANDY.
IT'S NOT FRANK, EITHER.
IT'S NEITHER FRANK NOR ANDY, BUT

IT'S NOT FRANK, EITHER.
IT'S NEITHER FRANK NOR ANDY, BUT
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, IT'S

IT'S NEITHER FRANK NOR ANDY, BUT
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, IT'S
CERTAINLY NOT ANDY.

WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, IT'S
CERTAINLY NOT ANDY.
ALL RIGHT, ANDY... NO.

CERTAINLY NOT ANDY.
ALL RIGHT, ANDY... NO.
NOT ANDY.

ALL RIGHT, ANDY... NO.
NOT ANDY.
ALL RIGHT, MR. STRAUSS.

NOT ANDY.
ALL RIGHT, MR. STRAUSS.
SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, MR. STRAUSS.
SORRY.
YOUR NAME'S NOT ANDY STRAUSS.

SORRY.
YOUR NAME'S NOT ANDY STRAUSS.
I ONCE KNEW A GUY WHO WORKED IN

YOUR NAME'S NOT ANDY STRAUSS.
I ONCE KNEW A GUY WHO WORKED IN
LOCAL RADIO.

I ONCE KNEW A GUY WHO WORKED IN
LOCAL RADIO.
HIS NAME WAS ANDY STRAUSS.

LOCAL RADIO.
HIS NAME WAS ANDY STRAUSS.
THE NAME JUST POPPED INTO MY

HIS NAME WAS ANDY STRAUSS.
THE NAME JUST POPPED INTO MY
HEAD.

THE NAME JUST POPPED INTO MY
HEAD.
NOW, FRANK, COULD YOU DESCRIBE

HEAD.
NOW, FRANK, COULD YOU DESCRIBE
YOUR WIFE PHYSICALLY?

NOW, FRANK, COULD YOU DESCRIBE
YOUR WIFE PHYSICALLY?
I-I'D RATHER NOT GIVE ANY

YOUR WIFE PHYSICALLY?
I-I'D RATHER NOT GIVE ANY
INFORMATION THAT COULD REVEAL MY

I-I'D RATHER NOT GIVE ANY
INFORMATION THAT COULD REVEAL MY
IDENTITY.

INFORMATION THAT COULD REVEAL MY
IDENTITY.
WELL, WOULD IT BE SAFE TO SAY

IDENTITY.
WELL, WOULD IT BE SAFE TO SAY
THAT SHE WEIGHS LESS THAN

WELL, WOULD IT BE SAFE TO SAY
THAT SHE WEIGHS LESS THAN
120 POUNDS?

THAT SHE WEIGHS LESS THAN
120 POUNDS?
YES.

120 POUNDS?
YES.
AND YOU, SIR, ARE AN

YES.
AND YOU, SIR, ARE AN
ABLE-BODIED MAN.

AND YOU, SIR, ARE AN
ABLE-BODIED MAN.
YOU LOOK TO BE ABOUT 155, 160

ABLE-BODIED MAN.
YOU LOOK TO BE ABOUT 155, 160
POUNDS, 6 FEET TALL.

YOU LOOK TO BE ABOUT 155, 160
POUNDS, 6 FEET TALL.
MY QUESTION TO YOU, SIR, IS WHY

POUNDS, 6 FEET TALL.
MY QUESTION TO YOU, SIR, IS WHY
THE HECK DON'T YOU JUST GET UP

MY QUESTION TO YOU, SIR, IS WHY
THE HECK DON'T YOU JUST GET UP
SOME MORNING AND KICK THE LIVING

THE HECK DON'T YOU JUST GET UP
SOME MORNING AND KICK THE LIVING
DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HER?

SOME MORNING AND KICK THE LIVING
DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HER?
WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT SHE'LL

DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HER?
WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT SHE'LL
WITHHOLD SEX.

WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT SHE'LL
WITHHOLD SEX.
SO SHE'S THE TYPE OF GAL THAT

WITHHOLD SEX.
SO SHE'S THE TYPE OF GAL THAT
WOULD USE SEX AS A WEAPON.

SO SHE'S THE TYPE OF GAL THAT
WOULD USE SEX AS A WEAPON.
THAT'S RIGHT.

WOULD USE SEX AS A WEAPON.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SOMETIMES SHE TELLS ME TO GO GET

THAT'S RIGHT.
SOMETIMES SHE TELLS ME TO GO GET
SEX ELSEWHERE.

SOMETIMES SHE TELLS ME TO GO GET
SEX ELSEWHERE.
WELL, FRANK, DO YOU?

SEX ELSEWHERE.
WELL, FRANK, DO YOU?
NO.

WELL, FRANK, DO YOU?
NO.
WELL, WHY NOT?

NO.
WELL, WHY NOT?
I CAN'T.

WELL, WHY NOT?
I CAN'T.
WELL, SIR, YOU'RE NOT AN

I CAN'T.
WELL, SIR, YOU'RE NOT AN
UNATTRACTIVE MAN.

WELL, SIR, YOU'RE NOT AN
UNATTRACTIVE MAN.
HE'S GOT NICE, DELICATE-LOOKING

UNATTRACTIVE MAN.
HE'S GOT NICE, DELICATE-LOOKING
FEATURES... A NICE COMPLEXION,

HE'S GOT NICE, DELICATE-LOOKING
FEATURES... A NICE COMPLEXION,
A BIRTHMARK THERE UNDER YOUR

FEATURES... A NICE COMPLEXION,
A BIRTHMARK THERE UNDER YOUR
LEFT EYE.

A BIRTHMARK THERE UNDER YOUR
LEFT EYE.
YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU CAN'T GET

LEFT EYE.
YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU CAN'T GET
SOME BIMBO TO TAKE A ROLL IN THE

YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU CAN'T GET
SOME BIMBO TO TAKE A ROLL IN THE
HAY WITH YOU?

SOME BIMBO TO TAKE A ROLL IN THE
HAY WITH YOU?
WELL, THE PROBLEM IS I'M

HAY WITH YOU?
WELL, THE PROBLEM IS I'M
IMPOTENT WITH WOMEN OTHER THAN

WELL, THE PROBLEM IS I'M
IMPOTENT WITH WOMEN OTHER THAN
MY WIFE.

IMPOTENT WITH WOMEN OTHER THAN
MY WIFE.
OKAY, LET'S SEE IF WE GOT

MY WIFE.
OKAY, LET'S SEE IF WE GOT
THIS STRAIGHT HERE.

OKAY, LET'S SEE IF WE GOT
THIS STRAIGHT HERE.
I'M THE OWNER OF A STRAUSS

THIS STRAIGHT HERE.
I'M THE OWNER OF A STRAUSS
CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY

I'M THE OWNER OF A STRAUSS
CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY
DEALERSHIP IN BENNINGTON,

CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY
DEALERSHIP IN BENNINGTON,
VERMONT.

DEALERSHIP IN BENNINGTON,
VERMONT.
I'M SORRY.

VERMONT.
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT FROM BENNINGTON,

I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT FROM BENNINGTON,
VERMONT.

YOU'RE NOT FROM BENNINGTON,
VERMONT.
YOU'RE FROM SOME OTHER TOWN

VERMONT.
YOU'RE FROM SOME OTHER TOWN
ENTIRELY.

YOU'RE FROM SOME OTHER TOWN
ENTIRELY.
AND YOU'RE IN THE

ENTIRELY.
AND YOU'RE IN THE
CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY BUSINESS.

AND YOU'RE IN THE
CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY BUSINESS.
AND, FRANK, YOU'RE REGULARLY

CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY BUSINESS.
AND, FRANK, YOU'RE REGULARLY
BEATEN BY YOUR WIFE.

AND, FRANK, YOU'RE REGULARLY
BEATEN BY YOUR WIFE.
WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT.

BEATEN BY YOUR WIFE.
WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT.
AND BELIEVE ME.

WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT.
AND BELIEVE ME.
HUSBAND-BEATING IS A VERY

AND BELIEVE ME.
HUSBAND-BEATING IS A VERY
SERIOUS THING.

HUSBAND-BEATING IS A VERY
SERIOUS THING.
THIS IS SERIOUS.

SERIOUS THING.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
WE'RE NOT FOOLING AROUND HERE.

THIS IS SERIOUS.
WE'RE NOT FOOLING AROUND HERE.
FRANK HAD SOME PICTURES, WHICH

WE'RE NOT FOOLING AROUND HERE.
FRANK HAD SOME PICTURES, WHICH
HE SHOWED ME.

FRANK HAD SOME PICTURES, WHICH
HE SHOWED ME.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF HAVING ONE

HE SHOWED ME.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF HAVING ONE
BLOWN UP.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF HAVING ONE
BLOWN UP.
HE'S SO BATTERED HERE, YOU'D

BLOWN UP.
HE'S SO BATTERED HERE, YOU'D
NEVER RECOGNIZE HIM.

HE'S SO BATTERED HERE, YOU'D
NEVER RECOGNIZE HIM.
THAT'S MY FACE!

NEVER RECOGNIZE HIM.
THAT'S MY FACE!
THEY'LL SEE MY FACE!

THAT'S MY FACE!
THEY'LL SEE MY FACE!
THEY'RE SEEING YOUR FACE

THEY'LL SEE MY FACE!
THEY'RE SEEING YOUR FACE
RIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE SEEING YOUR FACE
RIGHT NOW.
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAT THERE

RIGHT NOW.
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAT THERE
IN THE DARK.

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAT THERE
IN THE DARK.
I TOLD YOU.

IN THE DARK.
I TOLD YOU.
YOU'VE BLOWN IT NOW.

I TOLD YOU.
YOU'VE BLOWN IT NOW.
[GROANS]

YOU'VE BLOWN IT NOW.
[GROANS]
I MIGHT AS WELL CALL YOU

[GROANS]
I MIGHT AS WELL CALL YOU
ANDY.

I MIGHT AS WELL CALL YOU
ANDY.
THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG.

ANDY.
THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG.
IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST, I GUESS.

THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG.
IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST, I GUESS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN CASE

IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST, I GUESS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN CASE
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN CASE
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE, WE'VE BEEN TALKING TO

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE, WE'VE BEEN TALKING TO
ANDY STRAUSS, WHO RUNS THE

HERE, WE'VE BEEN TALKING TO
ANDY STRAUSS, WHO RUNS THE
STRAUSS CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY

ANDY STRAUSS, WHO RUNS THE
STRAUSS CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY
DEALERSHIP IN BENNINGTON,

STRAUSS CONSTRUCTION-MACHINERY
DEALERSHIP IN BENNINGTON,
VERMONT, WITH HIS BROTHER PAUL.

DEALERSHIP IN BENNINGTON,
VERMONT, WITH HIS BROTHER PAUL.
HE'S AFRAID OF HIS WIFE.

VERMONT, WITH HIS BROTHER PAUL.
HE'S AFRAID OF HIS WIFE.
HE CRIES IN THE DARK, AND HE'S A

HE'S AFRAID OF HIS WIFE.
HE CRIES IN THE DARK, AND HE'S A
BATTERED MASTURBATOR.

HE CRIES IN THE DARK, AND HE'S A
BATTERED MASTURBATOR.
THANK YOU, ANDY.

BATTERED MASTURBATOR.
THANK YOU, ANDY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, ANDY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME BACK

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME BACK
ANYTIME.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME BACK
ANYTIME.
YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!

ANYTIME.
YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!
WELL, SURE, I GUESS I'VE

YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!
WELL, SURE, I GUESS I'VE
RUINED YOUR LIFE.

WELL, SURE, I GUESS I'VE
RUINED YOUR LIFE.
FAIR ENOUGH.

RUINED YOUR LIFE.
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL BUY THAT, ANDY.

FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL BUY THAT, ANDY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GOOD

I'LL BUY THAT, ANDY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GOOD
NIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GOOD
NIGHT.
WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE

NIGHT.
WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE
SHOW.

WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE
SHOW.
TUNE IN.

SHOW.
TUNE IN.
I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT...

TUNE IN.
I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT...
MY EYEBROWS, MY EYEBROWS.

I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT...
MY EYEBROWS, MY EYEBROWS.
I'M LOSING MY EYEBROWS.

MY EYEBROWS, MY EYEBROWS.
I'M LOSING MY EYEBROWS.
AND I WANT TO TALK A LITTLE BIT

I'M LOSING MY EYEBROWS.
AND I WANT TO TALK A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT THAT.

AND I WANT TO TALK A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT THAT.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

AND NOW MY GOOD FRIEND
STEPHEN BISHOP.
[INTRO TO "ON AND ON" PLAYS]

♪ DOWN IN JAMAICA, THEY GOT
LOTS OF PRETTY WOMEN ♪
♪ STEAL YOUR MONEY, THEN THEY

LOTS OF PRETTY WOMEN ♪
♪ STEAL YOUR MONEY, THEN THEY
BREAK YOUR HEART ♪

♪ STEAL YOUR MONEY, THEN THEY
BREAK YOUR HEART ♪
♪ LONESOME SUE, SHE'S IN LOVE

BREAK YOUR HEART ♪
♪ LONESOME SUE, SHE'S IN LOVE
WITH OLD SAM ♪

♪ LONESOME SUE, SHE'S IN LOVE
WITH OLD SAM ♪
♪ TAKE HIM FROM THE FIRE INTO

WITH OLD SAM ♪
♪ TAKE HIM FROM THE FIRE INTO
THE FRYING PAN ♪

♪ TAKE HIM FROM THE FIRE INTO
THE FRYING PAN ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

THE FRYING PAN ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ SHE JUST KEEPS ON TRYING ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ SHE JUST KEEPS ON TRYING ♪
♪ AND SHE SMILES WHEN SHE

♪ SHE JUST KEEPS ON TRYING ♪
♪ AND SHE SMILES WHEN SHE
FEELS LIKE CRYING ♪

♪ AND SHE SMILES WHEN SHE
FEELS LIKE CRYING ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

FEELS LIKE CRYING ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ POOR OLD JIMMY SITS ALONE IN

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ POOR OLD JIMMY SITS ALONE IN
THE MOONLIGHT ♪

♪ POOR OLD JIMMY SITS ALONE IN
THE MOONLIGHT ♪
♪ SAW HIS WOMAN KISS ANOTHER

THE MOONLIGHT ♪
♪ SAW HIS WOMAN KISS ANOTHER
MAN ♪

♪ SAW HIS WOMAN KISS ANOTHER
MAN ♪
♪ SO HE TAKES A LADDER, STEALS

MAN ♪
♪ SO HE TAKES A LADDER, STEALS
THE STARS FROM THE SKY ♪

♪ SO HE TAKES A LADDER, STEALS
THE STARS FROM THE SKY ♪
♪ PUTS ON SINATRA AND STARTS TO

THE STARS FROM THE SKY ♪
♪ PUTS ON SINATRA AND STARTS TO
CRY ♪

♪ PUTS ON SINATRA AND STARTS TO
CRY ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

CRY ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ HE JUST KEEPS ON TRYING ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ HE JUST KEEPS ON TRYING ♪
♪ AND HE SMILES WHEN HE FEELS

♪ HE JUST KEEPS ON TRYING ♪
♪ AND HE SMILES WHEN HE FEELS
LIKE CRYING ♪

♪ AND HE SMILES WHEN HE FEELS
LIKE CRYING ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

LIKE CRYING ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ WHEN THE FIRST TIME IS THE

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ WHEN THE FIRST TIME IS THE
LAST TIME ♪

♪ WHEN THE FIRST TIME IS THE
LAST TIME ♪
♪ IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SO BAD ♪

LAST TIME ♪
♪ IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SO BAD ♪
♪ BUT IF YOU KNOW IT ♪

♪ IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SO BAD ♪
♪ BUT IF YOU KNOW IT ♪
♪ SHOW IT ♪

♪ BUT IF YOU KNOW IT ♪
♪ SHOW IT ♪
♪ HOLD ON TIGHT ♪

♪ SHOW IT ♪
♪ HOLD ON TIGHT ♪
♪ DON'T LET HER SAY GOOD NIGHT ♪

♪ GOT THE SUN ON MY SHOULDERS
AND MY TOES IN THE SAND ♪
♪ MY WOMAN'S LEFT ME FOR SOME

AND MY TOES IN THE SAND ♪
♪ MY WOMAN'S LEFT ME FOR SOME
OTHER MAN ♪

♪ MY WOMAN'S LEFT ME FOR SOME
OTHER MAN ♪
♪ OH, BUT I DON'T CARE ♪

OTHER MAN ♪
♪ OH, BUT I DON'T CARE ♪
♪ I'LL JUST DREAM AND STAY TAN ♪

♪ OH, BUT I DON'T CARE ♪
♪ I'LL JUST DREAM AND STAY TAN ♪
♪ TOSS UP MY HEART TO SEE WHERE

♪ I'LL JUST DREAM AND STAY TAN ♪
♪ TOSS UP MY HEART TO SEE WHERE
IT LANDS ♪

♪ TOSS UP MY HEART TO SEE WHERE
IT LANDS ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

IT LANDS ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ I JUST KEEP ON TRYING ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ I JUST KEEP ON TRYING ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I FEEL LIKE

♪ I JUST KEEP ON TRYING ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I FEEL LIKE
DYING ♪

♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I FEEL LIKE
DYING ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

DYING ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ OOH ♪

♪ ON AND ON ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH, OOH ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

STAND BY.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
HEY, TIM, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]
HEY, TIM, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T
GET "TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" THIS

HEY, TIM, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T
GET "TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" THIS
YEAR?

GET "TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" THIS
YEAR?
[Irish accent] I TOLD THE

YEAR?
[Irish accent] I TOLD THE
GUY... I SAID I WANT ALL THE

[Irish accent] I TOLD THE
GUY... I SAID I WANT ALL THE
CROSBYS AND IRISH ROLLERS YOU

GUY... I SAID I WANT ALL THE
CROSBYS AND IRISH ROLLERS YOU
CAN GET.

CROSBYS AND IRISH ROLLERS YOU
CAN GET.
AND HERE IT IS, SIX DAYS BEFORE

CAN GET.
AND HERE IT IS, SIX DAYS BEFORE
ST. PATRICK'S DAY, AND I'VE ONLY

AND HERE IT IS, SIX DAYS BEFORE
ST. PATRICK'S DAY, AND I'VE ONLY
GOT 12 IRISH TUNES ON THE

ST. PATRICK'S DAY, AND I'VE ONLY
GOT 12 IRISH TUNES ON THE
JUKEBOX.

GOT 12 IRISH TUNES ON THE
JUKEBOX.
YEAH, AND YOU'VE GOT TWO OF

JUKEBOX.
YEAH, AND YOU'VE GOT TWO OF
"THE UNICORN SONG."

YEAH, AND YOU'VE GOT TWO OF
"THE UNICORN SONG."
YEAH, BUT NOBODY'S GONNA PLAY

"THE UNICORN SONG."
YEAH, BUT NOBODY'S GONNA PLAY
THE VERSION BY CARLO BUTI.

YEAH, BUT NOBODY'S GONNA PLAY
THE VERSION BY CARLO BUTI.
[CHUCKLES]

THE VERSION BY CARLO BUTI.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M TELLING YOU.

[CHUCKLES]
I'M TELLING YOU.
I'VE HAD IT WITH THOSE JUKEBOX

I'M TELLING YOU.
I'VE HAD IT WITH THOSE JUKEBOX
PEOPLE.

I'VE HAD IT WITH THOSE JUKEBOX
PEOPLE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE A CHICAGO TAVERN

PEOPLE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE A CHICAGO TAVERN
WITHOUT "TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"

CAN YOU BELIEVE A CHICAGO TAVERN
WITHOUT "TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"
ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY?

WITHOUT "TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"
ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY?
YOU'D THINK THE JUKEBOX

ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY?
YOU'D THINK THE JUKEBOX
PEOPLE WOULD HAVE PUT

YOU'D THINK THE JUKEBOX
PEOPLE WOULD HAVE PUT
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" IN

PEOPLE WOULD HAVE PUT
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" IN
EVERYWHERE BY NOW.

"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" IN
EVERYWHERE BY NOW.
NO, NO, NO.

EVERYWHERE BY NOW.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU KNOW WHO RUNS THOSE

NO, NO, NO.
YOU KNOW WHO RUNS THOSE
JUKEBOXES.

YOU KNOW WHO RUNS THOSE
JUKEBOXES.
JUST TAKE A GANDER AT ALL THOSE

JUKEBOXES.
JUST TAKE A GANDER AT ALL THOSE
FRANK SINATRA AND AL MARTINO

JUST TAKE A GANDER AT ALL THOSE
FRANK SINATRA AND AL MARTINO
SONGS ON THERE.

FRANK SINATRA AND AL MARTINO
SONGS ON THERE.
YOU'D THINK IT WAS COLUMBUS DAY.

SONGS ON THERE.
YOU'D THINK IT WAS COLUMBUS DAY.
I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU'D THINK IT WAS COLUMBUS DAY.
I'M TELLING YOU.
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE

I'M TELLING YOU.
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE
COMPLAINING TO MY ALDERMAN ABOUT

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE
COMPLAINING TO MY ALDERMAN ABOUT
IT.

COMPLAINING TO MY ALDERMAN ABOUT
IT.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S

IT.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S
WORTH WASTING A FAVOR ON, YOU

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S
WORTH WASTING A FAVOR ON, YOU
KNOW?

WORTH WASTING A FAVOR ON, YOU
KNOW?
DO YOU THINK MAYOR DALEY WILL

KNOW?
DO YOU THINK MAYOR DALEY WILL
APPEAR AGAIN AT THE

DO YOU THINK MAYOR DALEY WILL
APPEAR AGAIN AT THE
ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE?

APPEAR AGAIN AT THE
ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE?
LAST YEAR, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID

ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE?
LAST YEAR, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID
THEY THOUGHT THEY SAW HIM

LAST YEAR, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID
THEY THOUGHT THEY SAW HIM
HOVERING OVER THE "LITHUANIANS

THEY THOUGHT THEY SAW HIM
HOVERING OVER THE "LITHUANIANS
SALUTE THE IRISH" FLOAT.

HOVERING OVER THE "LITHUANIANS
SALUTE THE IRISH" FLOAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'D HOVER

SALUTE THE IRISH" FLOAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'D HOVER
OVER THE LITHUANIAN FLOAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'D HOVER
OVER THE LITHUANIAN FLOAT.
THAT WAS PROBABLY JUST SOME KIND

OVER THE LITHUANIAN FLOAT.
THAT WAS PROBABLY JUST SOME KIND
OF LITHUANIAN PUBLICITY STUNT.

THAT WAS PROBABLY JUST SOME KIND
OF LITHUANIAN PUBLICITY STUNT.
YEAH.

OF LITHUANIAN PUBLICITY STUNT.
YEAH.
I KNOW A GUY THAT SAYS HE SAW

YEAH.
I KNOW A GUY THAT SAYS HE SAW
HIM LAST YEAR ON THE CORNER OF

I KNOW A GUY THAT SAYS HE SAW
HIM LAST YEAR ON THE CORNER OF
STATE AND WABASH SELLING RAFFLE

HIM LAST YEAR ON THE CORNER OF
STATE AND WABASH SELLING RAFFLE
TICKETS.

STATE AND WABASH SELLING RAFFLE
TICKETS.
NO, NO.

TICKETS.
NO, NO.
THAT FELLA, HE PROBABLY SAW

NO, NO.
THAT FELLA, HE PROBABLY SAW
SOMEBODY THAT, YOU KNOW, LOOKED

THAT FELLA, HE PROBABLY SAW
SOMEBODY THAT, YOU KNOW, LOOKED
LIKE THE MAYOR.

SOMEBODY THAT, YOU KNOW, LOOKED
LIKE THE MAYOR.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.

LIKE THE MAYOR.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.
[CHORUS SINGING]

OH, MY... MY GOD!
IT'S THE MAYOR!
[Chicago accent] THE PEOPLE

IT'S THE MAYOR!
[Chicago accent] THE PEOPLE
OF THE CITY OF CHICAGO...

[Chicago accent] THE PEOPLE
OF THE CITY OF CHICAGO...
I-IS IT REALLY YOU, YOUR

OF THE CITY OF CHICAGO...
I-IS IT REALLY YOU, YOUR
HONOR?

I-IS IT REALLY YOU, YOUR
HONOR?
I HAVE A MESSAGE THAT I

HONOR?
I HAVE A MESSAGE THAT I
WANT YOU TO GIVE TO THE NEW

I HAVE A MESSAGE THAT I
WANT YOU TO GIVE TO THE NEW
MAYOR.

WANT YOU TO GIVE TO THE NEW
MAYOR.
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE DEAD?

MAYOR.
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE DEAD?
HAVE YOU SEEN GOD?

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE DEAD?
HAVE YOU SEEN GOD?
SURE, I SEEN GOD.

HAVE YOU SEEN GOD?
SURE, I SEEN GOD.
I HAD TO GET JUDGED BY HIM,

SURE, I SEEN GOD.
I HAD TO GET JUDGED BY HIM,
DIDN'T I?

I HAD TO GET JUDGED BY HIM,
DIDN'T I?
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?

DIDN'T I?
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?
HE'S ABOUT 5'7", 180 POUNDS,

WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?
HE'S ABOUT 5'7", 180 POUNDS,
LOOKS TO BE IN HIS LATE 70s.

HE'S ABOUT 5'7", 180 POUNDS,
LOOKS TO BE IN HIS LATE 70s.
YOU MEAN HE LOOKS JUST LIKE

LOOKS TO BE IN HIS LATE 70s.
YOU MEAN HE LOOKS JUST LIKE
YOU, YOUR HONOR!

YOU MEAN HE LOOKS JUST LIKE
YOU, YOUR HONOR!
[CHUCKLES]

YOU, YOUR HONOR!
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?
WELL, HE ASKED ME TO

WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?
WELL, HE ASKED ME TO
RECONSIDER MY ONE-VOTE,

WELL, HE ASKED ME TO
RECONSIDER MY ONE-VOTE,
ONE-TURKEY POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY.

RECONSIDER MY ONE-VOTE,
ONE-TURKEY POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

ONE-TURKEY POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I WANT YOU TO TELL THE NEW MAYOR

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I WANT YOU TO TELL THE NEW MAYOR
I BELIEVE YOU CAN NO LONGER GIVE

I WANT YOU TO TELL THE NEW MAYOR
I BELIEVE YOU CAN NO LONGER GIVE
A MAN A TURKEY AND GET HIS VOTE.

I BELIEVE YOU CAN NO LONGER GIVE
A MAN A TURKEY AND GET HIS VOTE.
FROM NOW ON, THROW IN A COUPLE

A MAN A TURKEY AND GET HIS VOTE.
FROM NOW ON, THROW IN A COUPLE
OF CANS OF CRANBERRY SAUCE.

FROM NOW ON, THROW IN A COUPLE
OF CANS OF CRANBERRY SAUCE.
YOU KNOW, PUT IN A NICE BUCKET

OF CANS OF CRANBERRY SAUCE.
YOU KNOW, PUT IN A NICE BUCKET
OF MASHED POTATOES WITH GIBLET

YOU KNOW, PUT IN A NICE BUCKET
OF MASHED POTATOES WITH GIBLET
GRAVY.

OF MASHED POTATOES WITH GIBLET
GRAVY.
TELL HIM I HAVE A COMPLAINT.

GRAVY.
TELL HIM I HAVE A COMPLAINT.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE INTERRED

TELL HIM I HAVE A COMPLAINT.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE INTERRED
ME.

I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE INTERRED
ME.
I WAS HOPING THAT HE'D KEEP MY

ME.
I WAS HOPING THAT HE'D KEEP MY
BODY UNDER GLASS AT THE ROTUNDA

I WAS HOPING THAT HE'D KEEP MY
BODY UNDER GLASS AT THE ROTUNDA
AT O'HARE AIRPORT.

BODY UNDER GLASS AT THE ROTUNDA
AT O'HARE AIRPORT.
I THOUGHT I'D BE GUARDED AROUND

AT O'HARE AIRPORT.
I THOUGHT I'D BE GUARDED AROUND
THE CLOCK BY CHANGING TEAMS OF

I THOUGHT I'D BE GUARDED AROUND
THE CLOCK BY CHANGING TEAMS OF
PRECINCT CAPTAINS.

THE CLOCK BY CHANGING TEAMS OF
PRECINCT CAPTAINS.
I THOUGHT THEY'D HAVE

PRECINCT CAPTAINS.
I THOUGHT THEY'D HAVE
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" ON THE

I THOUGHT THEY'D HAVE
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" ON THE
LOUDSPEAKERS AT ALL TIMES.

"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL" ON THE
LOUDSPEAKERS AT ALL TIMES.
WE CAN'T GET

LOUDSPEAKERS AT ALL TIMES.
WE CAN'T GET
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL," YOUR

WE CAN'T GET
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL," YOUR
HONOR.

"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL," YOUR
HONOR.
WHAT?!

HONOR.
WHAT?!
YOU CAN'T GET

WHAT?!
YOU CAN'T GET
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"?

YOU CAN'T GET
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"?
I CALLED THE JUKEBOX COMPANY

"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"?
I CALLED THE JUKEBOX COMPANY
THREE TIMES!

I CALLED THE JUKEBOX COMPANY
THREE TIMES!
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

HELLO?
THIS IS THE MAYOR.
I AM.

THIS IS THE MAYOR.
I AM.
I JUST CAME BACK FOR

I AM.
I JUST CAME BACK FOR
ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

I JUST CAME BACK FOR
ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
LISTEN, I'M IN A BAR OVER ON

ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
LISTEN, I'M IN A BAR OVER ON
NORTH AVENUE AND AUSTEN.

LISTEN, I'M IN A BAR OVER ON
NORTH AVENUE AND AUSTEN.
THEY DON'T HAVE

NORTH AVENUE AND AUSTEN.
THEY DON'T HAVE
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"

THEY DON'T HAVE
"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"
ON THE JUKEBOX.

"TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL"
ON THE JUKEBOX.
OKAY.

ON THE JUKEBOX.
OKAY.
IT'S TAKEN CARE OF.

OKAY.
IT'S TAKEN CARE OF.
[CHORUS SINGING]

LOOK!
HE LEFT HIS TURKEY!
YEAH.

HE LEFT HIS TURKEY!
YEAH.
IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.

YEAH.
IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.
YEAH, HE DIDN'T EVEN TELL US

IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.
YEAH, HE DIDN'T EVEN TELL US
WHO TO VOTE FOR IN THE PRIMARY.

YEAH, HE DIDN'T EVEN TELL US
WHO TO VOTE FOR IN THE PRIMARY.
IT IS A MIRACLE!

WHO TO VOTE FOR IN THE PRIMARY.
IT IS A MIRACLE!
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL ♪

IT IS A MIRACLE!
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL ♪
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LI ♪

♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL ♪
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LI ♪
♪ TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL ♪

♪ HUSH, NOW, DON'T YOU CRY ♪

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
LISTEN!
LISTEN TO ME!

LISTEN!
LISTEN TO ME!
NOW, EVERYBODY STAY BEHIND THE

LISTEN TO ME!
NOW, EVERYBODY STAY BEHIND THE
BARRICADE!

NOW, EVERYBODY STAY BEHIND THE
BARRICADE!
STAY BEHIND THE BARRICADE!

BARRICADE!
STAY BEHIND THE BARRICADE!
IF YOU'RE NOT ON THE GUEST LIST,

STAY BEHIND THE BARRICADE!
IF YOU'RE NOT ON THE GUEST LIST,
DON'T COME NEAR ME!

IF YOU'RE NOT ON THE GUEST LIST,
DON'T COME NEAR ME!
NOBODY GETS IN UNLESS HE'S ON

DON'T COME NEAR ME!
NOBODY GETS IN UNLESS HE'S ON
THE GUEST LIST!

NOBODY GETS IN UNLESS HE'S ON
THE GUEST LIST!
IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?

THE GUEST LIST!
IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?
WAIT A MINUTE.

IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?
WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
CAN I HELP YOU?

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
CAN I HELP YOU?
LISTEN, MAN.

CAN I HELP YOU?
LISTEN, MAN.
YOU KNOW, UH, I FLEW ALL THE WAY

LISTEN, MAN.
YOU KNOW, UH, I FLEW ALL THE WAY
FROM LOS ANGELES, AND I COULDN'T

YOU KNOW, UH, I FLEW ALL THE WAY
FROM LOS ANGELES, AND I COULDN'T
GET A TICKET, YOU KNOW?

FROM LOS ANGELES, AND I COULDN'T
GET A TICKET, YOU KNOW?
AND, LIKE, KISS IS MY FAVORITE

GET A TICKET, YOU KNOW?
AND, LIKE, KISS IS MY FAVORITE
GROUP.

AND, LIKE, KISS IS MY FAVORITE
GROUP.
I HAVE TO GET IN, YOU KNOW?

GROUP.
I HAVE TO GET IN, YOU KNOW?
I'M SORRY.

I HAVE TO GET IN, YOU KNOW?
I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T GET IN.

I'M SORRY.
YOU CAN'T GET IN.
OH, LOOK, UM...

YOU CAN'T GET IN.
OH, LOOK, UM...
I'M A FRIEND OF PETER CRISS',

OH, LOOK, UM...
I'M A FRIEND OF PETER CRISS',
OKAY?

I'M A FRIEND OF PETER CRISS',
OKAY?
I MEAN, HE TOOK ME HOME ONCE.

OKAY?
I MEAN, HE TOOK ME HOME ONCE.
ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, HE TOOK ME HOME ONCE.
ALL RIGHT?
AND, LISTEN...

ALL RIGHT?
AND, LISTEN...
I MEAN, IF YOU LET ME IN, MAYBE

AND, LISTEN...
I MEAN, IF YOU LET ME IN, MAYBE
LATER WE COULD...

I MEAN, IF YOU LET ME IN, MAYBE
LATER WE COULD...
GET OUT OF HERE AND DON'T

LATER WE COULD...
GET OUT OF HERE AND DON'T
COME BACK.

GET OUT OF HERE AND DON'T
COME BACK.
OH, GOD, MAN.

COME BACK.
OH, GOD, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW KISS HAD

OH, GOD, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW KISS HAD
SUCH JERKS FOR ROADIES.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW KISS HAD
SUCH JERKS FOR ROADIES.
GET LOST!

SUCH JERKS FOR ROADIES.
GET LOST!
EXCUSE ME.

GET LOST!
EXCUSE ME.
I'M PAUL STANLEY'S BROTHER.

EXCUSE ME.
I'M PAUL STANLEY'S BROTHER.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY TONIGHT.

I'M PAUL STANLEY'S BROTHER.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY TONIGHT.
I'M IN THE AIR FORCE, AND I

IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY TONIGHT.
I'M IN THE AIR FORCE, AND I
BAILED OUT OVER THE CITY TO GET

I'M IN THE AIR FORCE, AND I
BAILED OUT OVER THE CITY TO GET
HERE.

BAILED OUT OVER THE CITY TO GET
HERE.
GEE, THAT'S THE BEST ONE I'VE

HERE.
GEE, THAT'S THE BEST ONE I'VE
HEARD ALL NIGHT.

GEE, THAT'S THE BEST ONE I'VE
HEARD ALL NIGHT.
[LAUGHS]

HEARD ALL NIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

[LAUGHS]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
ANGUS STANLEY.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
ANGUS STANLEY.
IS ANGUS STANLEY ON THE LIST,

ANGUS STANLEY.
IS ANGUS STANLEY ON THE LIST,
JONAS?

IS ANGUS STANLEY ON THE LIST,
JONAS?
UH, NO.

JONAS?
UH, NO.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT ON THE

UH, NO.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT ON THE
LIST, SO, UH, WOULD YOU MIND

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT ON THE
LIST, SO, UH, WOULD YOU MIND
STANDING BACK THERE?

LIST, SO, UH, WOULD YOU MIND
STANDING BACK THERE?
AND IF YOUR BROTHER COMES OUT,

STANDING BACK THERE?
AND IF YOUR BROTHER COMES OUT,
HE'LL SEE YOU, OKAY, PAL?

AND IF YOUR BROTHER COMES OUT,
HE'LL SEE YOU, OKAY, PAL?
COME ON, MAN!

HE'LL SEE YOU, OKAY, PAL?
COME ON, MAN!
DON'T GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS.

COME ON, MAN!
DON'T GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS.
YOU UNDERSTAND?

DON'T GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
HEY, HEY!

YOU UNDERSTAND?
HEY, HEY!
WHERE YOU GOING?

HEY, HEY!
WHERE YOU GOING?
IT'S OKAY... I'M DR. BOB.

WHERE YOU GOING?
IT'S OKAY... I'M DR. BOB.
I'M ON THE LIST.

IT'S OKAY... I'M DR. BOB.
I'M ON THE LIST.
DR. BOB ON THE LIST?

I'M ON THE LIST.
DR. BOB ON THE LIST?
YEAH, WITH A STAR NEXT TO IT.

DR. BOB ON THE LIST?
YEAH, WITH A STAR NEXT TO IT.
OKAY, GO ON IN, DR. BOB.

YEAH, WITH A STAR NEXT TO IT.
OKAY, GO ON IN, DR. BOB.
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

OKAY, GO ON IN, DR. BOB.
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
STAY BACK!

HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
STAY BACK!
TELL HIM HIS BROTHER'S OUT

STAY BACK!
TELL HIM HIS BROTHER'S OUT
HERE!

TELL HIM HIS BROTHER'S OUT
HERE!
PAUL STANLEY?

HERE!
PAUL STANLEY?
YEAH!

PAUL STANLEY?
YEAH!
♪ AND PARTY EVERY DAY ♪

YEAH!
♪ AND PARTY EVERY DAY ♪
EXCUSE ME, WHO ARE YOU?

♪ AND PARTY EVERY DAY ♪
EXCUSE ME, WHO ARE YOU?
I'M RYAN O'NEAL'S BROTHER.

EXCUSE ME, WHO ARE YOU?
I'M RYAN O'NEAL'S BROTHER.
OH, YOU'RE, UH,

I'M RYAN O'NEAL'S BROTHER.
OH, YOU'RE, UH,
TATUM O'NEAL'S UNCLE.

OH, YOU'RE, UH,
TATUM O'NEAL'S UNCLE.
GO RIGHT IN.

TATUM O'NEAL'S UNCLE.
GO RIGHT IN.
CAN YOU TELL PAUL, THE LEAD

GO RIGHT IN.
CAN YOU TELL PAUL, THE LEAD
GUITARIST, HIS BROTHER'S...

CAN YOU TELL PAUL, THE LEAD
GUITARIST, HIS BROTHER'S...
LOOK, PAL, JUST DON'T GIVE ME

GUITARIST, HIS BROTHER'S...
LOOK, PAL, JUST DON'T GIVE ME
ANY...

LOOK, PAL, JUST DON'T GIVE ME
ANY...
WHO IS RYAN O'NEAL?

ANY...
WHO IS RYAN O'NEAL?
EXCUSE ME.

WHO IS RYAN O'NEAL?
EXCUSE ME.
UH, I'M STEPHEN BISHOP.

EXCUSE ME.
UH, I'M STEPHEN BISHOP.
JUST GOT INTO TOWN, THOUGHT I'D

UH, I'M STEPHEN BISHOP.
JUST GOT INTO TOWN, THOUGHT I'D
CATCH THE SHOW.

JUST GOT INTO TOWN, THOUGHT I'D
CATCH THE SHOW.
ARE YOU ON THE GUEST LIST?

CATCH THE SHOW.
ARE YOU ON THE GUEST LIST?
NO, NO.

ARE YOU ON THE GUEST LIST?
NO, NO.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A HIT SONG,

NO, NO.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A HIT SONG,
"ON AND ON."

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A HIT SONG,
"ON AND ON."
"ON AND ON"?

"ON AND ON."
"ON AND ON"?
ON...

"ON AND ON"?
ON...
Both: ♪ DOWN IN JAMAICA, THEY

ON...
Both: ♪ DOWN IN JAMAICA, THEY
GOT... ♪

Both: ♪ DOWN IN JAMAICA, THEY
GOT... ♪
YEAH?

GOT... ♪
YEAH?
DID YOU WRITE THAT SONG?

YEAH?
DID YOU WRITE THAT SONG?
YEAH.

DID YOU WRITE THAT SONG?
YEAH.
I HATE IT.

YEAH.
I HATE IT.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

I HATE IT.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
NOW GO, GET OUT!

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
NOW GO, GET OUT!
EXCUSE ME.

NOW GO, GET OUT!
EXCUSE ME.
YEAH?

EXCUSE ME.
YEAH?
HI, JERRY ELDINI WITH A

YEAH?
HI, JERRY ELDINI WITH A
GUEST.

HI, JERRY ELDINI WITH A
GUEST.
JERRY ELDINI, JONAS?

GUEST.
JERRY ELDINI, JONAS?
UH, NO.

JERRY ELDINI, JONAS?
UH, NO.
I'M SORRY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

UH, NO.
I'M SORRY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADES.

I'M SORRY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADES.
YOUR NAME'S NOT ON THE LIST.

TO STAND BEHIND THE BARRICADES.
YOUR NAME'S NOT ON THE LIST.
EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.

YOUR NAME'S NOT ON THE LIST.
EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.
I'M JERRY ELDINI.

EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.
I'M JERRY ELDINI.
I'M "A" AND "R" FOR

I'M JERRY ELDINI.
I'M "A" AND "R" FOR
POLYSUTRA RECORDS, KISS' NEW

I'M "A" AND "R" FOR
POLYSUTRA RECORDS, KISS' NEW
LABEL.

POLYSUTRA RECORDS, KISS' NEW
LABEL.
I'M SORRY.

LABEL.
I'M SORRY.
YOU ARE NOT ON THE LIST, SIR.

I'M SORRY.
YOU ARE NOT ON THE LIST, SIR.
I'M DOING MY JOB.

YOU ARE NOT ON THE LIST, SIR.
I'M DOING MY JOB.
YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.

I'M DOING MY JOB.
YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE

YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE
TREATING JERRY ELDINI THIS WAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE
TREATING JERRY ELDINI THIS WAY.
ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.

TREATING JERRY ELDINI THIS WAY.
ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.
IS LOU ADLER OR IRV AZOFF

ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.
IS LOU ADLER OR IRV AZOFF
INSIDE?

IS LOU ADLER OR IRV AZOFF
INSIDE?
I PLAY TENNIS WITH BOTH OF THEM.

INSIDE?
I PLAY TENNIS WITH BOTH OF THEM.
NOW MOVE!

I PLAY TENNIS WITH BOTH OF THEM.
NOW MOVE!
GET BEHIND THE BARRIER.

NOW MOVE!
GET BEHIND THE BARRIER.
COME ON, PAL.

GET BEHIND THE BARRIER.
COME ON, PAL.
HE REALLY IS JERRY ELDINI!

COME ON, PAL.
HE REALLY IS JERRY ELDINI!
I DON'T CARE.

HE REALLY IS JERRY ELDINI!
I DON'T CARE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I DON'T CARE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
STEVE PARRISH.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
STEVE PARRISH.
ALL RIGHT.

STEVE PARRISH.
ALL RIGHT.
IF LOU ADLER OR IRV AZOFF COMES

ALL RIGHT.
IF LOU ADLER OR IRV AZOFF COMES
OUT AND SAYS, "WAS JERRY ELDINI

IF LOU ADLER OR IRV AZOFF COMES
OUT AND SAYS, "WAS JERRY ELDINI
HERE," YOU SAY, "YES, HE WAS,

OUT AND SAYS, "WAS JERRY ELDINI
HERE," YOU SAY, "YES, HE WAS,
BUT I, STEVE 'I'LL NEVER WORK IN

HERE, " YOU SAY, " YES, HE WAS,
BUT I, STEVE 'I'LL NEVER WORK IN
THIS BUSINESS AGAIN' PARRISH,

BUT I, STEVE 'I'LL NEVER WORK IN
THIS BUSINESS AGAIN' PARRISH,
SENT HIM AWAY," OKAY?

THIS BUSINESS AGAIN' PARRISH,
SENT HIM AWAY," OKAY?
JILL, LET'S GET OUT OF THIS

SENT HIM AWAY," OKAY?
JILL, LET'S GET OUT OF THIS
FIRETRAP.

JILL, LET'S GET OUT OF THIS
FIRETRAP.
JUST KISS MY...

FIRETRAP.
JUST KISS MY...
COME ON.

JUST KISS MY...
COME ON.
NO, HEY, WHAT'S GO...

COME ON.
NO, HEY, WHAT'S GO...
OH.

NO, HEY, WHAT'S GO...
OH.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

OH.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
HEY, MAN!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
HEY, MAN!
YOU MADE IT, MAN!

HEY, MAN!
YOU MADE IT, MAN!
YOU MADE IT!

YOU MADE IT, MAN!
YOU MADE IT!
WOW, YOU ACTUALLY PARACHUTED!

YOU MADE IT!
WOW, YOU ACTUALLY PARACHUTED!
FAR OUT!

WOW, YOU ACTUALLY PARACHUTED!
FAR OUT!
COME ON IN.

FAR OUT!
COME ON IN.
COME ON, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO

COME ON IN.
COME ON, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO
START!

COME ON, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO
START!
HEY, YOU IN THE BAND?!

START!
HEY, YOU IN THE BAND?!
[HISSES]

HEY, YOU IN THE BAND?!
[HISSES]
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

[HISSES]
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL OVER, RELAX.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL OVER, RELAX.
TAKE IT EASY.

IT'S ALL OVER, RELAX.
TAKE IT EASY.
I GUESS EVERYTHING'S UNDER

TAKE IT EASY.
I GUESS EVERYTHING'S UNDER
CONTROL HERE.

I GUESS EVERYTHING'S UNDER
CONTROL HERE.
LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO BACKSTAGE

CONTROL HERE.
LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO BACKSTAGE
AND GET A BEER.

LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO BACKSTAGE
AND GET A BEER.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S YOUR

AND GET A BEER.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S YOUR
NAME AGAIN?

WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S YOUR
NAME AGAIN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT'S MY

NAME AGAIN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT'S MY
NAME, AGAIN?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT'S MY
NAME, AGAIN?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AGAIN?

NAME, AGAIN?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AGAIN?
MY NAME'S STEVE PARRISH.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AGAIN?
MY NAME'S STEVE PARRISH.
I'M THE ROAD MANAGER.

MY NAME'S STEVE PARRISH.
I'M THE ROAD MANAGER.
UH, SORRY, STEVE PARRISH IS

I'M THE ROAD MANAGER.
UH, SORRY, STEVE PARRISH IS
NOT ON THE LIST.

UH, SORRY, STEVE PARRISH IS
NOT ON THE LIST.
NOT ON THE LIST.

NOT ON THE LIST.
NOT ON THE LIST.
NOT ON THE LIST?!

NOT ON THE LIST.
NOT ON THE LIST?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE

NOT ON THE LIST?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE
LIST?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE
LIST?!
HEY, HEY!

LIST?!
HEY, HEY!
WAIT A MINUTE!

HEY, HEY!
WAIT A MINUTE!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

WAIT A MINUTE!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[SCREAMS]

ELIZABETH TAYLOR IS FORCE-FED
FOR CHARITY.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON

FOR CHARITY.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
HERSHEY HIGHWAY, THE CANDY

BROUGHT TO YOU BY
HERSHEY HIGHWAY, THE CANDY
THAT'S TURNED AMERICA'S TASTE

HERSHEY HIGHWAY, THE CANDY
THAT'S TURNED AMERICA'S TASTE
AROUND FOR 50 YEARS.

THAT'S TURNED AMERICA'S TASTE
AROUND FOR 50 YEARS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

AROUND FOR 50 YEARS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
HELLO, I'M DAN AYKROYD.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
HELLO, I'M DAN AYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

HELLO, I'M DAN AYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ACCORDING TO A NEW BOOK THAT IS

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ACCORDING TO A NEW BOOK THAT IS
CAUSING WIDESPREAD ALARM IN THE

ACCORDING TO A NEW BOOK THAT IS
CAUSING WIDESPREAD ALARM IN THE
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY, A HUMAN

CAUSING WIDESPREAD ALARM IN THE
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY, A HUMAN
BABY CREATED FROM A SINGLE MALE

SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY, A HUMAN
BABY CREATED FROM A SINGLE MALE
CELL IS NOW A NORMAL

BABY CREATED FROM A SINGLE MALE
CELL IS NOW A NORMAL
14-MONTH-OLD BABY BOY.

CELL IS NOW A NORMAL
14-MONTH-OLD BABY BOY.
ONE SOURCE SAID THAT THE CHILD

14-MONTH-OLD BABY BOY.
ONE SOURCE SAID THAT THE CHILD
WAS THE CLONE OR EXACT GENETIC

ONE SOURCE SAID THAT THE CHILD
WAS THE CLONE OR EXACT GENETIC
DUPLICATE OF AN AMERICAN

WAS THE CLONE OR EXACT GENETIC
DUPLICATE OF AN AMERICAN
MILLIONAIRE WHO WANTED TO COPY

DUPLICATE OF AN AMERICAN
MILLIONAIRE WHO WANTED TO COPY
HIMSELF.

MILLIONAIRE WHO WANTED TO COPY
HIMSELF.
"UPDATE" NEWS HAS LEARNED THAT

HIMSELF.
"UPDATE" NEWS HAS LEARNED THAT
THE INCIDENT IS ACTUALLY THE

"UPDATE" NEWS HAS LEARNED THAT
THE INCIDENT IS ACTUALLY THE
SECOND HUMAN CLONING, THE FIRST

THE INCIDENT IS ACTUALLY THE
SECOND HUMAN CLONING, THE FIRST
HAPPENING MORE THAN 30 YEARS AGO

SECOND HUMAN CLONING, THE FIRST
HAPPENING MORE THAN 30 YEARS AGO
USING THE CELL OF A FAMOUS

HAPPENING MORE THAN 30 YEARS AGO
USING THE CELL OF A FAMOUS
AMERICAN SINGER.

USING THE CELL OF A FAMOUS
AMERICAN SINGER.
THE ENTIRE CORPS OF MALE CADETS

AMERICAN SINGER.
THE ENTIRE CORPS OF MALE CADETS
AT THE U.S. MILITARY ACADEMY AT

THE ENTIRE CORPS OF MALE CADETS
AT THE U.S. MILITARY ACADEMY AT
WEST POINT HAS BEEN DISMISSED

AT THE U.S. MILITARY ACADEMY AT
WEST POINT HAS BEEN DISMISSED
FOR FRATERNIZING.

WEST POINT HAS BEEN DISMISSED
FOR FRATERNIZING.
THE LONE FEMALE CADET INVOLVED

FOR FRATERNIZING.
THE LONE FEMALE CADET INVOLVED
WAS NOT IDENTIFIED, PENDING NEXT

THE LONE FEMALE CADET INVOLVED
WAS NOT IDENTIFIED, PENDING NEXT
OF KIN.

WAS NOT IDENTIFIED, PENDING NEXT
OF KIN.
ACTOR/DIRECTOR ORSON WELLES

OF KIN.
ACTOR/DIRECTOR ORSON WELLES
SUFFERED MULTIPLE FRACTURES IN A

ACTOR/DIRECTOR ORSON WELLES
SUFFERED MULTIPLE FRACTURES IN A
SKIING ACCIDENT YESTERDAY IN

SUFFERED MULTIPLE FRACTURES IN A
SKIING ACCIDENT YESTERDAY IN
ASPEN, COLORADO.

SKIING ACCIDENT YESTERDAY IN
ASPEN, COLORADO.
DOCTORS SAY THE FRACTURES WILL

ASPEN, COLORADO.
DOCTORS SAY THE FRACTURES WILL
HEAL IN SIX WEEKS AND THEY'LL

DOCTORS SAY THE FRACTURES WILL
HEAL IN SIX WEEKS AND THEY'LL
GET HIM BACK ON HIS FEET IN FIVE

HEAL IN SIX WEEKS AND THEY'LL
GET HIM BACK ON HIS FEET IN FIVE
YEARS.

GET HIM BACK ON HIS FEET IN FIVE
YEARS.
THE ENTIRE POLICE FORCE OF THE

YEARS.
THE ENTIRE POLICE FORCE OF THE
VILLAGE OF ROBBINS, ILLINOIS,

THE ENTIRE POLICE FORCE OF THE
VILLAGE OF ROBBINS, ILLINOIS,
WAS FIRED THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF

VILLAGE OF ROBBINS, ILLINOIS,
WAS FIRED THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF
ALLEGED CORRUPTION AND CRIMES

WAS FIRED THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF
ALLEGED CORRUPTION AND CRIMES
INCLUDING DRIVING WITHOUT

ALLEGED CORRUPTION AND CRIMES
INCLUDING DRIVING WITHOUT
LICENSES, ARMED ROBBERY,

INCLUDING DRIVING WITHOUT
LICENSES, ARMED ROBBERY,
BURGLARY, CAR THEFT, NARCOTIC

LICENSES, ARMED ROBBERY,
BURGLARY, CAR THEFT, NARCOTIC
THEFT, ASSAULT, POLICE

BURGLARY, CAR THEFT, NARCOTIC
THEFT, ASSAULT, POLICE
BRUTALITY, EXTORTION, AND

THEFT, ASSAULT, POLICE
BRUTALITY, EXTORTION, AND
FAILURE TO RESPOND TO POLICE

BRUTALITY, EXTORTION, AND
FAILURE TO RESPOND TO POLICE
CALLS.

FAILURE TO RESPOND TO POLICE
CALLS.
IN A RELATED STORY, OUR SOURCES

CALLS.
IN A RELATED STORY, OUR SOURCES
REPORT THAT TODAY THE

IN A RELATED STORY, OUR SOURCES
REPORT THAT TODAY THE
ROBBINS POLICE FORCE HAS JUST

REPORT THAT TODAY THE
ROBBINS POLICE FORCE HAS JUST
BEEN HIRED BY THE PHILADELPHIA

ROBBINS POLICE FORCE HAS JUST
BEEN HIRED BY THE PHILADELPHIA
POLICE FORCE.

BEEN HIRED BY THE PHILADELPHIA
POLICE FORCE.
I IMAGINE THEY SHOULD FEEL AT

POLICE FORCE.
I IMAGINE THEY SHOULD FEEL AT
HOME THERE.

I IMAGINE THEY SHOULD FEEL AT
HOME THERE.
JANE?

HOME THERE.
JANE?
STOLEN FROM ITS GRAVE IN

JANE?
STOLEN FROM ITS GRAVE IN
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND, MORE THAN

STOLEN FROM ITS GRAVE IN
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND, MORE THAN
TWO WEEKS AGO, THE BODY OF

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND, MORE THAN
TWO WEEKS AGO, THE BODY OF
CHARLIE CHAPLIN IS STILL

TWO WEEKS AGO, THE BODY OF
CHARLIE CHAPLIN IS STILL
MISSING.

CHARLIE CHAPLIN IS STILL
MISSING.
IN THE INTEREST OF RECOVERING

MISSING.
IN THE INTEREST OF RECOVERING
THIS GREAT ARTIST,

IN THE INTEREST OF RECOVERING
THIS GREAT ARTIST,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS OFFERING A

THIS GREAT ARTIST,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS OFFERING A
SUBSTANTIAL REWARD FOR HIS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS OFFERING A
SUBSTANTIAL REWARD FOR HIS
RETURN.

IF YOU HAVE OR THINK YOU HAVE

MR. CHAPLIN'S BODY, MAIL IT

TO...

IN CASE OF DUPLICATE BODIES, THE

REWARD WILL BE SPLIT

ACCORDINGLY.

THIS OFFER IS VOID WHERE
PROHIBITED BY LAW.
ARCHBISHOP SHEEN AND

PROHIBITED BY LAW.
ARCHBISHOP SHEEN AND
CARDINAL COOK WENT DANCING AT

ARCHBISHOP SHEEN AND
CARDINAL COOK WENT DANCING AT
STUDIO 54 THIS WEEK.

CARDINAL COOK WENT DANCING AT
STUDIO 54 THIS WEEK.
HOWEVER, THEIR MERRIMENT WAS CUT

STUDIO 54 THIS WEEK.
HOWEVER, THEIR MERRIMENT WAS CUT
SHORT WHEN CLUB OWNER

HOWEVER, THEIR MERRIMENT WAS CUT
SHORT WHEN CLUB OWNER
STEVE RUBELL THREW THEM OUT FOR

SHORT WHEN CLUB OWNER
STEVE RUBELL THREW THEM OUT FOR
NOT WEARING NECKTIES.

STEVE RUBELL THREW THEM OUT FOR
NOT WEARING NECKTIES.
WELL, DAN, I GUESS A DRESS CODE

NOT WEARING NECKTIES.
WELL, DAN, I GUESS A DRESS CODE
IS A DRESS CODE.

WELL, DAN, I GUESS A DRESS CODE
IS A DRESS CODE.
I GUESS SO.

IS A DRESS CODE.
I GUESS SO.
UNITED MINE WORKER PRESIDENT

I GUESS SO.
UNITED MINE WORKER PRESIDENT
ARNOLD MILLER IS UNDER PRESSURE

UNITED MINE WORKER PRESIDENT
ARNOLD MILLER IS UNDER PRESSURE
TO RESIGN BECAUSE CRITICS SAY HE

ARNOLD MILLER IS UNDER PRESSURE
TO RESIGN BECAUSE CRITICS SAY HE
IS PROVIDING WEAK LEADERSHIP

TO RESIGN BECAUSE CRITICS SAY HE
IS PROVIDING WEAK LEADERSHIP
DURING THE COAL STRIKE.

IS PROVIDING WEAK LEADERSHIP
DURING THE COAL STRIKE.
FORMER UMW PRESIDENT TONY BOYLE,

DURING THE COAL STRIKE.
FORMER UMW PRESIDENT TONY BOYLE,
WHO WAS CONVICTED OF THE

FORMER UMW PRESIDENT TONY BOYLE,
WHO WAS CONVICTED OF THE
YABLONSKI MURDERS, GAVE MILLER

WHO WAS CONVICTED OF THE
YABLONSKI MURDERS, GAVE MILLER
SOME POINTERS TODAY, SUGGESTING

YABLONSKI MURDERS, GAVE MILLER
SOME POINTERS TODAY, SUGGESTING
THAT HE HIRE PAID KILLERS TO

SOME POINTERS TODAY, SUGGESTING
THAT HE HIRE PAID KILLERS TO
SNEAK INTO CRITICS' HOMES AT

THAT HE HIRE PAID KILLERS TO
SNEAK INTO CRITICS' HOMES AT
NIGHT AND MURDER THEM AND THEIR

SNEAK INTO CRITICS' HOMES AT
NIGHT AND MURDER THEM AND THEIR
FAMILIES.

NIGHT AND MURDER THEM AND THEIR
FAMILIES.
GOOD NEWS FOR PHLEBITIS VICTIMS.

FAMILIES.
GOOD NEWS FOR PHLEBITIS VICTIMS.
THE DOWNSTATE MEDICAL CENTER

GOOD NEWS FOR PHLEBITIS VICTIMS.
THE DOWNSTATE MEDICAL CENTER
HERE IN NEW YORK HAS JUST

THE DOWNSTATE MEDICAL CENTER
HERE IN NEW YORK HAS JUST
DEVELOPED AN ANTICOAGULANT THAT

HERE IN NEW YORK HAS JUST
DEVELOPED AN ANTICOAGULANT THAT
EFFECTIVELY DISSOLVES BLOOD

DEVELOPED AN ANTICOAGULANT THAT
EFFECTIVELY DISSOLVES BLOOD
CLOTS.

EFFECTIVELY DISSOLVES BLOOD
CLOTS.
AND HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT

CLOTS.
AND HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT
IT IS SCIENCE EDITOR

AND HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT
IT IS SCIENCE EDITOR
DR. GARRETT MORRIS.

IT IS SCIENCE EDITOR
DR. GARRETT MORRIS.
HI, GARRETT.

DR. GARRETT MORRIS.
HI, GARRETT.
UH, HELLO, DAN.

HI, GARRETT.
UH, HELLO, DAN.
DR. MORRIS, WHAT IS THIS

UH, HELLO, DAN.
DR. MORRIS, WHAT IS THIS
ANTICOAGULANT, AND HOW DOES IT

DR. MORRIS, WHAT IS THIS
ANTICOAGULANT, AND HOW DOES IT
WORK?

ANTICOAGULANT, AND HOW DOES IT
WORK?
WELL, DAN, IT'S CALLED

WORK?
WELL, DAN, IT'S CALLED
HEMOMYCIN, AND IT'S TRULY

WELL, DAN, IT'S CALLED
HEMOMYCIN, AND IT'S TRULY
REMARKABLE.

HEMOMYCIN, AND IT'S TRULY
REMARKABLE.
AS YOU KNOW, PHLEBITIS IS A

REMARKABLE.
AS YOU KNOW, PHLEBITIS IS A
CONDITION WHERE A BLOOD CLOT

AS YOU KNOW, PHLEBITIS IS A
CONDITION WHERE A BLOOD CLOT
FORMS IN THE VEIN, MAN.

CONDITION WHERE A BLOOD CLOT
FORMS IN THE VEIN, MAN.
AND IT'S DANGEROUS BECAUSE IT

FORMS IN THE VEIN, MAN.
AND IT'S DANGEROUS BECAUSE IT
CAN DISLODGE AND TRAVEL THROUGH

AND IT'S DANGEROUS BECAUSE IT
CAN DISLODGE AND TRAVEL THROUGH
THE BLOOD SYSTEM TO THE HEART,

CAN DISLODGE AND TRAVEL THROUGH
THE BLOOD SYSTEM TO THE HEART,
CAUSING INSTANT DEATH, YOU SEE.

THE BLOOD SYSTEM TO THE HEART,
CAUSING INSTANT DEATH, YOU SEE.
NOW, THE IDEAL TREATMENT WOULD

CAUSING INSTANT DEATH, YOU SEE.
NOW, THE IDEAL TREATMENT WOULD
BE TO DESTROY THE BLOOD CLOT.

NOW, THE IDEAL TREATMENT WOULD
BE TO DESTROY THE BLOOD CLOT.
AND THIS IS THE DRUG THAT CAN DO

BE TO DESTROY THE BLOOD CLOT.
AND THIS IS THE DRUG THAT CAN DO
IT.

AND THIS IS THE DRUG THAT CAN DO
IT.
THIS ONE HERE.

IT.
THIS ONE HERE.
WELL, TELL US HOW HEMOMYCIN

THIS ONE HERE.
WELL, TELL US HOW HEMOMYCIN
WORKS.

WELL, TELL US HOW HEMOMYCIN
WORKS.
HEY, I'LL SHOW YOU.

WORKS.
HEY, I'LL SHOW YOU.
NOW, I HAVE HERE A BLOOD SAMPLE

HEY, I'LL SHOW YOU.
NOW, I HAVE HERE A BLOOD SAMPLE
FROM A PHLEBITIS VICTIM.

NOW, I HAVE HERE A BLOOD SAMPLE
FROM A PHLEBITIS VICTIM.
PUT IT RIGHT ON THERE.

FROM A PHLEBITIS VICTIM.
PUT IT RIGHT ON THERE.
NOW I AM GOING TO ADD SOME

PUT IT RIGHT ON THERE.
NOW I AM GOING TO ADD SOME
NATURAL ANTIBODIES, WHICH TRY TO

NOW I AM GOING TO ADD SOME
NATURAL ANTIBODIES, WHICH TRY TO
WARD OFF THE BLOOD-CLOTTING

NATURAL ANTIBODIES, WHICH TRY TO
WARD OFF THE BLOOD-CLOTTING
AGENTS.

WARD OFF THE BLOOD-CLOTTING
AGENTS.
THERE.

AGENTS.
THERE.
NOW I WANT YOU TO WATCH HOW THEY

THERE.
NOW I WANT YOU TO WATCH HOW THEY
INTERACT.

NOW I WANT YOU TO WATCH HOW THEY
INTERACT.
LET ME JUST GET IT DOWN THERE

INTERACT.
LET ME JUST GET IT DOWN THERE
LIKE... UH-OH!

LET ME JUST GET IT DOWN THERE
LIKE... UH-OH!
GET IT BACK UP HERE.

LIKE... UH-OH!
GET IT BACK UP HERE.
BACK UP THERE, YEAH.

GET IT BACK UP HERE.
BACK UP THERE, YEAH.
NOW...

BACK UP THERE, YEAH.
NOW...
AH, AHA!

NOW...
AH, AHA!
THERE THEY ARE!

AH, AHA!
THERE THEY ARE!
THERE THEY ARE!

THERE THEY ARE!
THERE THEY ARE!
YOU SEE HOW THE ANTIBODIES, THEY

THERE THEY ARE!
YOU SEE HOW THE ANTIBODIES, THEY
ARE HELPLESS AGAINST...

YOU SEE HOW THE ANTIBODIES, THEY
ARE HELPLESS AGAINST...
♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE

ARE HELPLESS AGAINST...
♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE
DAY ♪

♪ HERE I COME TO SAVE THE
DAY ♪
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S...

DAY ♪
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S...
THAT'S HEMOMYCIN.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S...
THAT'S HEMOMYCIN.
NOW WATCH IT GO TO WORK.

THAT'S HEMOMYCIN.
NOW WATCH IT GO TO WORK.
THE CLOTTING AGENTS TRY THEIR

NOW WATCH IT GO TO WORK.
THE CLOTTING AGENTS TRY THEIR
BEST TO REPEL THE HEMOMYCIN,

THE CLOTTING AGENTS TRY THEIR
BEST TO REPEL THE HEMOMYCIN,
BUT IT'S NO AVAIL, AS IT FENDS

BEST TO REPEL THE HEMOMYCIN,
BUT IT'S NO AVAIL, AS IT FENDS
THEM OFF, RENDERING MILLIONS OF

BUT IT'S NO AVAIL, AS IT FENDS
THEM OFF, RENDERING MILLIONS OF
THEM HARMLESS AS THEY ARE

THEM OFF, RENDERING MILLIONS OF
THEM HARMLESS AS THEY ARE
CARRIED AWAY IN THE BLOODSTREAM.

THEM HARMLESS AS THEY ARE
CARRIED AWAY IN THE BLOODSTREAM.
BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, DAN.

CARRIED AWAY IN THE BLOODSTREAM.
BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, DAN.
THE HEMOMYCIN TOTALLY DESTROYS

BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, DAN.
THE HEMOMYCIN TOTALLY DESTROYS
THESE AGENTS, AS THEY CAN

THE HEMOMYCIN TOTALLY DESTROYS
THESE AGENTS, AS THEY CAN
REGROUP AND TRY TO HEAD FOR THE

THESE AGENTS, AS THEY CAN
REGROUP AND TRY TO HEAD FOR THE
HEART, MAN.

REGROUP AND TRY TO HEAD FOR THE
HEART, MAN.
AND THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH YOU CAN

HEART, MAN.
AND THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH YOU CAN
DO WHEN THEY DO THAT, DAN, ONCE

AND THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH YOU CAN
DO WHEN THEY DO THAT, DAN, ONCE
THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

DO WHEN THEY DO THAT, DAN, ONCE
THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.
THEY GO RIGHT THROUGH CELL WALLS

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.
THEY GO RIGHT THROUGH CELL WALLS
AND EVEN TRY TO RETALIATE BY

THEY GO RIGHT THROUGH CELL WALLS
AND EVEN TRY TO RETALIATE BY
THROWING NEW CLOTS AT THE

AND EVEN TRY TO RETALIATE BY
THROWING NEW CLOTS AT THE
HEMOMYCIN.

THROWING NEW CLOTS AT THE
HEMOMYCIN.
BUT WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS!

HEMOMYCIN.
BUT WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS!
♪ HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE

BUT WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS!
♪ HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE
DAY ♪

♪ HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE
DAY ♪
YEAH, HERE HE COMES!

DAY ♪
YEAH, HERE HE COMES!
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A

YEAH, HERE HE COMES!
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A
MIRACLE DRUG, MAN!

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A
MIRACLE DRUG, MAN!
YEAH! LOOK AT IT!

MIRACLE DRUG, MAN!
YEAH! LOOK AT IT!
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

YEAH! LOOK AT IT!
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
YEAH, IT'S AMAZING, DAN.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
YEAH, IT'S AMAZING, DAN.
IT'S GREAT.

YEAH, IT'S AMAZING, DAN.
IT'S GREAT.
GET THEM.

IT'S GREAT.
GET THEM.
NOW, IF THAT DON'T KILL A GERM,

GET THEM.
NOW, IF THAT DON'T KILL A GERM,
NOTHING WILL.

NOW, IF THAT DON'T KILL A GERM,
NOTHING WILL.
JUST AMAZING.

NOTHING WILL.
JUST AMAZING.
UH, JUST A FOOTNOTE, DOCTOR.

JUST AMAZING.
UH, JUST A FOOTNOTE, DOCTOR.
PHLEBITIS IS THE AFFLICTION THAT

UH, JUST A FOOTNOTE, DOCTOR.
PHLEBITIS IS THE AFFLICTION THAT
PRESIDENT NIXON HAD, WASN'T IT?

PHLEBITIS IS THE AFFLICTION THAT
PRESIDENT NIXON HAD, WASN'T IT?
THAT'S RIGHT, DAN.

PRESIDENT NIXON HAD, WASN'T IT?
THAT'S RIGHT, DAN.
WHICH WOULD MEAN THAT HE

THAT'S RIGHT, DAN.
WHICH WOULD MEAN THAT HE
SUFFERED A GREAT DEAL.

WHICH WOULD MEAN THAT HE
SUFFERED A GREAT DEAL.
YES.

SUFFERED A GREAT DEAL.
YES.
I'M GLAD.

YES.
I'M GLAD.
I AM, TOO.

I'M GLAD.
I AM, TOO.
YEAH.

I AM, TOO.
YEAH.
SO AM I.

YEAH.
SO AM I.
OKAY, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

SO AM I.
OKAY, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT.
BYE, DAN, I'LL SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.
BYE, DAN, I'LL SEE YOU.
UH, DAN, BACK TO YOU.

BYE, DAN, I'LL SEE YOU.
UH, DAN, BACK TO YOU.
OH, JANE, UH, YES.

UH, DAN, BACK TO YOU.
OH, JANE, UH, YES.
OKAY, FINE.

OH, JANE, UH, YES.
OKAY, FINE.
UH, IN LAWRENCEVILLE...

OKAY, FINE.
UH, IN LAWRENCEVILLE...
IT'S LIVE.

UH, IN LAWRENCEVILLE...
IT'S LIVE.
IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GEORGIA,

IT'S LIVE.
IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GEORGIA,
BORN-AGAIN PORNOGRAPHER

IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GEORGIA,
BORN-AGAIN PORNOGRAPHER
LARRY FLYNT WAS SHOT AND

BORN-AGAIN PORNOGRAPHER
LARRY FLYNT WAS SHOT AND
CRITICALLY INJURED THIS WEEK.

LARRY FLYNT WAS SHOT AND
CRITICALLY INJURED THIS WEEK.
FLYNT SAID FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED

CRITICALLY INJURED THIS WEEK.
FLYNT SAID FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED
THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOW TAKE MORE

FLYNT SAID FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED
THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOW TAKE MORE
SERIOUSLY HIS CLAIM THAT HE IS

THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOW TAKE MORE
SERIOUSLY HIS CLAIM THAT HE IS
WILLING TO GIVE HIS LIFE FOR THE

SERIOUSLY HIS CLAIM THAT HE IS
WILLING TO GIVE HIS LIFE FOR THE
FIRST AMENDMENT, WHICH INVOLVES

WILLING TO GIVE HIS LIFE FOR THE
FIRST AMENDMENT, WHICH INVOLVES
THE RIGHT TO PRINT OR SAY

FIRST AMENDMENT, WHICH INVOLVES
THE RIGHT TO PRINT OR SAY
ANYTHING, NO MATTER HOW

THE RIGHT TO PRINT OR SAY
ANYTHING, NO MATTER HOW
SEEMINGLY TASTELESS, OFFENSIVE,

ANYTHING, NO MATTER HOW
SEEMINGLY TASTELESS, OFFENSIVE,
OR SICK.

SEEMINGLY TASTELESS, OFFENSIVE,
OR SICK.
WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS,

OR SICK.
WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS,
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF GEORGIA

WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS,
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF GEORGIA
SAID IT WAS HIS UNDERSTANDING

THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF GEORGIA
SAID IT WAS HIS UNDERSTANDING
THAT THE FIRST AMENDMENT IS

SAID IT WAS HIS UNDERSTANDING
THAT THE FIRST AMENDMENT IS
PROTECTIVE BUT NOT BULLETPROOF.

THAT THE FIRST AMENDMENT IS
PROTECTIVE BUT NOT BULLETPROOF.
STEPIN FETCHIT.

PROTECTIVE BUT NOT BULLETPROOF.
STEPIN FETCHIT.
AND NOW WITH THIS WEEK'S FILM

STEPIN FETCHIT.
AND NOW WITH THIS WEEK'S FILM
REVIEW IS "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"

AND NOW WITH THIS WEEK'S FILM
REVIEW IS "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"
MOVIE CRITIC BILL MURRAY.

REVIEW IS "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"
MOVIE CRITIC BILL MURRAY.
BILL?

MOVIE CRITIC BILL MURRAY.
BILL?
THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL?
THANK YOU, JANE.
THANKS, JANE.

THANK YOU, JANE.
THANKS, JANE.
IN 1972, JANE FONDA WENT TO

THANKS, JANE.
IN 1972, JANE FONDA WENT TO
NORTH VIETNAM TO EXPRESS HER

IN 1972, JANE FONDA WENT TO
NORTH VIETNAM TO EXPRESS HER
OPPOSITION TO THE VIETNAM WAR.

NORTH VIETNAM TO EXPRESS HER
OPPOSITION TO THE VIETNAM WAR.
AT THAT TIME, THIS REVIEWER TOLD

OPPOSITION TO THE VIETNAM WAR.
AT THAT TIME, THIS REVIEWER TOLD
HER, "NO, JANE, DON'T GO.

AT THAT TIME, THIS REVIEWER TOLD
HER, "NO, JANE, DON'T GO.
YOU'RE AN ACTRESS, NOT A

HER, "NO, JANE, DON'T GO.
YOU'RE AN ACTRESS, NOT A
DIPLOMAT.

YOU'RE AN ACTRESS, NOT A
DIPLOMAT.
ART AND POLITICS DON'T MIX.

DIPLOMAT.
ART AND POLITICS DON'T MIX.
UNH-UNH!"

ART AND POLITICS DON'T MIX.
UNH-UNH!"
I SAID, "JANE, HOLLYWOOD WILL

UNH-UNH!"
I SAID, "JANE, HOLLYWOOD WILL
BRAND YOU A RADICAL, AND YOU

I SAID, "JANE, HOLLYWOOD WILL
BRAND YOU A RADICAL, AND YOU
WILL NOT GET ANYMORE ESSENTIAL

BRAND YOU A RADICAL, AND YOU
WILL NOT GET ANYMORE ESSENTIAL
STAR-VEHICLE ROLES LIKE

WILL NOT GET ANYMORE ESSENTIAL
STAR-VEHICLE ROLES LIKE
'BARBARELLA.'"

STAR-VEHICLE ROLES LIKE
'BARBARELLA.'"
LET'S FACE IT, "BARBARELLA'S" A

'BARBARELLA.'"
LET'S FACE IT, "BARBARELLA'S" A
CLASSIC.

LET'S FACE IT, "BARBARELLA'S" A
CLASSIC.
COME ON.

CLASSIC.
COME ON.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING

COME ON.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING
SIX YEARS AGO, BUT AFTER SEEING

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING
SIX YEARS AGO, BUT AFTER SEEING
"COMING HOME," I HAVE TO TELL

SIX YEARS AGO, BUT AFTER SEEING
"COMING HOME," I HAVE TO TELL
YOU, JANE, I WAS WRONG.

"COMING HOME," I HAVE TO TELL
YOU, JANE, I WAS WRONG.
I'M NOT OFTEN WRONG, BUT WHEN I

YOU, JANE, I WAS WRONG.
I'M NOT OFTEN WRONG, BUT WHEN I
AM, I'M THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT.

I'M NOT OFTEN WRONG, BUT WHEN I
AM, I'M THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT.
I LOVE THAT ABOUT MYSELF.

AM, I'M THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT.
I LOVE THAT ABOUT MYSELF.
"COMING HOME," WHICH ALSO STARS

I LOVE THAT ABOUT MYSELF.
"COMING HOME," WHICH ALSO STARS
JON VOIGHT AND BRUCE DERN, IS A

"COMING HOME," WHICH ALSO STARS
JON VOIGHT AND BRUCE DERN, IS A
SENSITIVE PORTRAYAL OF THE

JON VOIGHT AND BRUCE DERN, IS A
SENSITIVE PORTRAYAL OF THE
VIETNAM WAR'S TRAGIC IMPACT ON

SENSITIVE PORTRAYAL OF THE
VIETNAM WAR'S TRAGIC IMPACT ON
THE PERSONAL LIVES OF THREE VERY

VIETNAM WAR'S TRAGIC IMPACT ON
THE PERSONAL LIVES OF THREE VERY
ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

THE PERSONAL LIVES OF THREE VERY
ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.
WHILE WATCHING "COMING HOME,"

ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.
WHILE WATCHING "COMING HOME,"
THIS REVIEWER WAS FORCED TO VIEW

WHILE WATCHING "COMING HOME,"
THIS REVIEWER WAS FORCED TO VIEW
THAT PERIOD OF OUR HISTORY IN A

THIS REVIEWER WAS FORCED TO VIEW
THAT PERIOD OF OUR HISTORY IN A
DIFFERENT LIGHT, AND I REALIZE

THAT PERIOD OF OUR HISTORY IN A
DIFFERENT LIGHT, AND I REALIZE
NOW, AND I MUST SAY THIS, AND

DIFFERENT LIGHT, AND I REALIZE
NOW, AND I MUST SAY THIS, AND
I'VE NEVER SAID THIS BEFORE, THE

NOW, AND I MUST SAY THIS, AND
I'VE NEVER SAID THIS BEFORE, THE
VIETNAM WAR WAS A MISTAKE.

I'VE NEVER SAID THIS BEFORE, THE
VIETNAM WAR WAS A MISTAKE.
LET ME FINISH, PLEASE.

VIETNAM WAR WAS A MISTAKE.
LET ME FINISH, PLEASE.
I WILL BE HEARD.

LET ME FINISH, PLEASE.
I WILL BE HEARD.
I DON'T CARE HOW THIS HURTS ME

I WILL BE HEARD.
I DON'T CARE HOW THIS HURTS ME
PRIVATELY OR PUBLICLY.

I DON'T CARE HOW THIS HURTS ME
PRIVATELY OR PUBLICLY.
I BELIEVE WE SHOULD NOT HAVE

PRIVATELY OR PUBLICLY.
I BELIEVE WE SHOULD NOT HAVE
FOUGHT THAT WAR.

I BELIEVE WE SHOULD NOT HAVE
FOUGHT THAT WAR.
JANE, YOU WERE RIGHT IN 1972,

FOUGHT THAT WAR.
JANE, YOU WERE RIGHT IN 1972,
AND YOUR CAREER HAS GROWN EVER

JANE, YOU WERE RIGHT IN 1972,
AND YOUR CAREER HAS GROWN EVER
SINCE.

AND YOUR CAREER HAS GROWN EVER
SINCE.
YOU DESERVED THAT OSCAR FOR

SINCE.
YOU DESERVED THAT OSCAR FOR
"KLUTE."

YOU DESERVED THAT OSCAR FOR
"KLUTE."
YOU WERE TERRIFIC.

"KLUTE."
YOU WERE TERRIFIC.
YOUR PERFORMANCE IN "JULIA"

YOU WERE TERRIFIC.
YOUR PERFORMANCE IN "JULIA"
PROVED YOU'VE BECOME A WOMAN.

YOUR PERFORMANCE IN "JULIA"
PROVED YOU'VE BECOME A WOMAN.
AND WHILE WE ALL KNOW YOU MADE

PROVED YOU'VE BECOME A WOMAN.
AND WHILE WE ALL KNOW YOU MADE
LAST YEAR'S EMBARRASSMENT

AND WHILE WE ALL KNOW YOU MADE
LAST YEAR'S EMBARRASSMENT
"FUN WITH DICK AND JANE" ONLY TO

LAST YEAR'S EMBARRASSMENT
"FUN WITH DICK AND JANE" ONLY TO
RAISE MONEY FOR YOUR HUSBAND

"FUN WITH DICK AND JANE" ONLY TO
RAISE MONEY FOR YOUR HUSBAND
TOMMY HAYDEN'S UNSUCCESSFUL

RAISE MONEY FOR YOUR HUSBAND
TOMMY HAYDEN'S UNSUCCESSFUL
SENATE CAMPAIGN, WE CAN

TOMMY HAYDEN'S UNSUCCESSFUL
SENATE CAMPAIGN, WE CAN
UNDERSTAND THAT, HONEY, BECAUSE

SENATE CAMPAIGN, WE CAN
UNDERSTAND THAT, HONEY, BECAUSE
YOU'RE A POLITICAL ANIMAL, AND

UNDERSTAND THAT, HONEY, BECAUSE
YOU'RE A POLITICAL ANIMAL, AND
WE RESPECT THAT NOW.

YOU'RE A POLITICAL ANIMAL, AND
WE RESPECT THAT NOW.
I'M INTO POLITICS.

WE RESPECT THAT NOW.
I'M INTO POLITICS.
IT'S NEAT.

I'M INTO POLITICS.
IT'S NEAT.
SO, JANE, THANK YOU FOR BEING

IT'S NEAT.
SO, JANE, THANK YOU FOR BEING
RIGHT ABOUT THE WAR.

SO, JANE, THANK YOU FOR BEING
RIGHT ABOUT THE WAR.
THANK YOU FOR BEING A BRILLIANT

RIGHT ABOUT THE WAR.
THANK YOU FOR BEING A BRILLIANT
ACTRESS.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A BRILLIANT
ACTRESS.
BUT MOST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR

ACTRESS.
BUT MOST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR
BEING YOU.

BUT MOST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR
BEING YOU.
AND YOU OUT THERE IN AMERICA,

BEING YOU.
AND YOU OUT THERE IN AMERICA,
YOU MAY THINK I'M OFF-BASE.

AND YOU OUT THERE IN AMERICA,
YOU MAY THINK I'M OFF-BASE.
I'M SORRY, BUT I FEEL THAT WAY.

YOU MAY THINK I'M OFF-BASE.
I'M SORRY, BUT I FEEL THAT WAY.
SO GET OUT OF HERE, ALL YOU HAWK

I'M SORRY, BUT I FEEL THAT WAY.
SO GET OUT OF HERE, ALL YOU HAWK
MANIACS.

SO GET OUT OF HERE, ALL YOU HAWK
MANIACS.
I MEAN IT, YOU HAWKS.

MANIACS.
I MEAN IT, YOU HAWKS.
AND SPEAKING OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

I MEAN IT, YOU HAWKS.
AND SPEAKING OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
NAMED JANE, LET ME THROW IT BACK

AND SPEAKING OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
NAMED JANE, LET ME THROW IT BACK
TO OUR OWN JANE CURTIN.

NAMED JANE, LET ME THROW IT BACK
TO OUR OWN JANE CURTIN.
THANK YOU, BILL.

TO OUR OWN JANE CURTIN.
THANK YOU, BILL.
OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS A SAD

THANK YOU, BILL.
OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS A SAD
ONE.

OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS A SAD
ONE.
BUBBLES THE FREEDOM-LOVING

ONE.
BUBBLES THE FREEDOM-LOVING
HIPPOPOTAMUS WHO HAD BEEN

BUBBLES THE FREEDOM-LOVING
HIPPOPOTAMUS WHO HAD BEEN
ELUDING HER WOULD-BE CAPTORS IN

HIPPOPOTAMUS WHO HAD BEEN
ELUDING HER WOULD-BE CAPTORS IN
AN IRVINE, CALIFORNIA, LAKE FOR

ELUDING HER WOULD-BE CAPTORS IN
AN IRVINE, CALIFORNIA, LAKE FOR
THREE WEEKS DIED AFTER BEING

AN IRVINE, CALIFORNIA, LAKE FOR
THREE WEEKS DIED AFTER BEING
SHOT BY TRANQUILIZING DARTS AND

THREE WEEKS DIED AFTER BEING
SHOT BY TRANQUILIZING DARTS AND
ROLLING DOWN A HILLSIDE.

SHOT BY TRANQUILIZING DARTS AND
ROLLING DOWN A HILLSIDE.
FORTUNATELY, THERE'S A HUMOROUS

ROLLING DOWN A HILLSIDE.
FORTUNATELY, THERE'S A HUMOROUS
SIDE TO BUBBLES' STORY.

FORTUNATELY, THERE'S A HUMOROUS
SIDE TO BUBBLES' STORY.
SHE ROLLED OVER A TROOP OF

SIDE TO BUBBLES' STORY.
SHE ROLLED OVER A TROOP OF
BROWNIES WHO WERE CAMPING ON THE

SHE ROLLED OVER A TROOP OF
BROWNIES WHO WERE CAMPING ON THE
HILLSIDE AND CRUSHED EVERY ONE

BROWNIES WHO WERE CAMPING ON THE
HILLSIDE AND CRUSHED EVERY ONE
OF THEM TO DEATH.

HILLSIDE AND CRUSHED EVERY ONE
OF THEM TO DEATH.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

OF THEM TO DEATH.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING

IS A PRESENTATION OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING
AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER A 50th

"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING
AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER A 50th
OF A CENTURY.

AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER A 50th
OF A CENTURY.
[INTRO TO "ALL I KNOW" PLAYS]

♪ I BRUISE YOU ♪
♪ YOU BRUISE ME ♪
♪ WE BOTH BRUISE TOO EASILY ♪

♪ YOU BRUISE ME ♪
♪ WE BOTH BRUISE TOO EASILY ♪
♪ TOO EASILY TO LET IT SHOW ♪

♪ WE BOTH BRUISE TOO EASILY ♪
♪ TOO EASILY TO LET IT SHOW ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL I

♪ TOO EASILY TO LET IT SHOW ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL I
KNOW ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL I
KNOW ♪
♪ ALL MY PLANS HAVE FALLEN

KNOW ♪
♪ ALL MY PLANS HAVE FALLEN
THROUGH ♪

♪ ALL MY PLANS HAVE FALLEN
THROUGH ♪
♪ ALL MY PLANS DEPEND ON YOU ♪

THROUGH ♪
♪ ALL MY PLANS DEPEND ON YOU ♪
♪ DEPEND ON YOU TO HELP THEM

♪ ALL MY PLANS DEPEND ON YOU ♪
♪ DEPEND ON YOU TO HELP THEM
GROW ♪

♪ DEPEND ON YOU TO HELP THEM
GROW ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL

GROW ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL
I KNOW ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL
I KNOW ♪
♪ WHEN THE SINGER'S GONE, LET

I KNOW ♪
♪ WHEN THE SINGER'S GONE, LET
THE SONG GO ON ♪

♪ BUT THE ENDING ALWAYS COMES AT
LAST ♪
♪ ENDINGS ALWAYS COME TOO FAST ♪

LAST ♪
♪ ENDINGS ALWAYS COME TOO FAST ♪
♪ THEY COME TOO FAST, BUT THEY

♪ ENDINGS ALWAYS COME TOO FAST ♪
♪ THEY COME TOO FAST, BUT THEY
PASS SO SLOW ♪

♪ THEY COME TOO FAST, BUT THEY
PASS SO SLOW ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL I

PASS SO SLOW ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL I
KNOW ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU, AND THAT'S ALL I
KNOW ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW ♪

KNOW ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I KNOW ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "SCARBOROUGH FAIR"
PLAYS]

♪ ARE YOU GOIN' TO SCARBOROUGH
FAIR? ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND

FAIR? ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪

♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪
♪ REMEMBER ME TO ONE WHO LIVES

THYME ♪
♪ REMEMBER ME TO ONE WHO LIVES
THERE ♪

♪ REMEMBER ME TO ONE WHO LIVES
THERE ♪
♪ SHE ONCE WAS A TRUE LOVE OF

THERE ♪
♪ SHE ONCE WAS A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪

♪ SHE ONCE WAS A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪
♪ TELL HER TO MAKE ME A CAMBRIC

MINE ♪
♪ TELL HER TO MAKE ME A CAMBRIC
SHIRT ♪

♪ TELL HER TO MAKE ME A CAMBRIC
SHIRT ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND

SHIRT ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪

♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪
♪ WITHOUT NO SEAM NOR

THYME ♪
♪ WITHOUT NO SEAM NOR
NEEDLEWORK ♪

♪ WITHOUT NO SEAM NOR
NEEDLEWORK ♪
♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF

NEEDLEWORK ♪
♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪

♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪
♪ TELL HER TO FIND ME AN ACRE OF

MINE ♪
♪ TELL HER TO FIND ME AN ACRE OF
LAND ♪

♪ TELL HER TO FIND ME AN ACRE OF
LAND ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND

LAND ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪

♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪
♪ BETWEEN THE SALTWATER AND THE

THYME ♪
♪ BETWEEN THE SALTWATER AND THE
SEASTRAND ♪

♪ BETWEEN THE SALTWATER AND THE
SEASTRAND ♪
♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF

SEASTRAND ♪
♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪

♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪
♪ TELL HER TO REAP IT IN A

MINE ♪
♪ TELL HER TO REAP IT IN A
SICKLE OF LEATHER ♪

♪ TELL HER TO REAP IT IN A
SICKLE OF LEATHER ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND

SICKLE OF LEATHER ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪

♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪
♪ AND GATHER IT ALL IN A BUNCH

THYME ♪
♪ AND GATHER IT ALL IN A BUNCH
OF HEATHER ♪

♪ AND GATHER IT ALL IN A BUNCH
OF HEATHER ♪
♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF

OF HEATHER ♪
♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪

♪ THEN SHE'LL BE A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪
♪ ARE YOU GOIN' TO SCARBOROUGH

MINE ♪
♪ ARE YOU GOIN' TO SCARBOROUGH
FAIR? ♪

♪ ARE YOU GOIN' TO SCARBOROUGH
FAIR? ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND

FAIR? ♪
♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪

♪ PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND
THYME ♪
♪ REMEMBER ME TO ONE WHO LIVES

THYME ♪
♪ REMEMBER ME TO ONE WHO LIVES
THERE ♪

♪ REMEMBER ME TO ONE WHO LIVES
THERE ♪
♪ SHE ONCE WAS A TRUE LOVE OF

THERE ♪
♪ SHE ONCE WAS A TRUE LOVE OF
MINE ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO.
WELCOME TO "LOOKS AT BOOKS."
I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.

WELCOME TO "LOOKS AT BOOKS."
I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.
ONE OF THIS TV SEASON'S BIGGEST

I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.
ONE OF THIS TV SEASON'S BIGGEST
HITS IS A SHOW CALLED

ONE OF THIS TV SEASON'S BIGGEST
HITS IS A SHOW CALLED
"WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CLASS

HITS IS A SHOW CALLED
"WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CLASS
OF '65?"

"WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CLASS
OF '65?"
BASED ON A BOOK BY THE SAME

OF '65?"
BASED ON A BOOK BY THE SAME
NAME, THE SHOW FOLLOWS THE 1965

BASED ON A BOOK BY THE SAME
NAME, THE SHOW FOLLOWS THE 1965
GRADUATING CLASS OF A CALIFORNIA

NAME, THE SHOW FOLLOWS THE 1965
GRADUATING CLASS OF A CALIFORNIA
HIGH SCHOOL.

GRADUATING CLASS OF A CALIFORNIA
HIGH SCHOOL.
TODAY, OUR GUESTS ARE TWO YOUNG

HIGH SCHOOL.
TODAY, OUR GUESTS ARE TWO YOUNG
AUTHORS WHO HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK

TODAY, OUR GUESTS ARE TWO YOUNG
AUTHORS WHO HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK
ABOUT THEIR OWN GRADUATING

AUTHORS WHO HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK
ABOUT THEIR OWN GRADUATING
CLASS... "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

ABOUT THEIR OWN GRADUATING
CLASS... "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THE CLASS OF '77?"

CLASS... "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THE CLASS OF '77?"
LISA LOOPNER, TODD LABOUNDA,

THE CLASS OF '77?"
LISA LOOPNER, TODD LABOUNDA,
TELL US A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR

LISA LOOPNER, TODD LABOUNDA,
TELL US A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR
BOOK.

TELL US A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR
BOOK.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT 30 OF OUR

BOOK.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT 30 OF OUR
CLASSMATES AND WHAT'S HAPPENED

WELL, IT'S ABOUT 30 OF OUR
CLASSMATES AND WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THEM SINCE LAST JUNE.

CLASSMATES AND WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THEM SINCE LAST JUNE.
[CHUCKLES]

TO THEM SINCE LAST JUNE.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I
HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK YET, BUT

WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I
HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK YET, BUT
IT SOUNDS EXCITING.

HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK YET, BUT
IT SOUNDS EXCITING.
CAN YOU TELL US SOME OF THE MOST

IT SOUNDS EXCITING.
CAN YOU TELL US SOME OF THE MOST
VIVID CHARACTERS FROM THE CLASS

CAN YOU TELL US SOME OF THE MOST
VIVID CHARACTERS FROM THE CLASS
OF '77 AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO

VIVID CHARACTERS FROM THE CLASS
OF '77 AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO
THEM SINCE THEY GRADUATED?

OF '77 AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO
THEM SINCE THEY GRADUATED?
UH, WELL, THERE'S

THEM SINCE THEY GRADUATED?
UH, WELL, THERE'S
SCOTT KENDALL, WHO, UH... WHO

UH, WELL, THERE'S
SCOTT KENDALL, WHO, UH... WHO
MOWED LAWNS ALL SUMMER, AND HE'S

SCOTT KENDALL, WHO, UH... WHO
MOWED LAWNS ALL SUMMER, AND HE'S
GOING TO JUNIOR COLLEGE OUT IN

MOWED LAWNS ALL SUMMER, AND HE'S
GOING TO JUNIOR COLLEGE OUT IN
SOUTH DAKOTA.

GOING TO JUNIOR COLLEGE OUT IN
SOUTH DAKOTA.
YEAH, AND THERE'S THIS REAL

SOUTH DAKOTA.
YEAH, AND THERE'S THIS REAL
INTERESTING CHAPTER ABOUT THIS

YEAH, AND THERE'S THIS REAL
INTERESTING CHAPTER ABOUT THIS
GIRL.

INTERESTING CHAPTER ABOUT THIS
GIRL.
HER NAME'S CARRY FINN, AND SHE

GIRL.
HER NAME'S CARRY FINN, AND SHE
GOT A JOB IN... SHE GOT A JOB AS

HER NAME'S CARRY FINN, AND SHE
GOT A JOB IN... SHE GOT A JOB AS
A NANNY, YOU KNOW.

GOT A JOB IN... SHE GOT A JOB AS
A NANNY, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, SHE TOOK CARE OF THIS REAL

A NANNY, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, SHE TOOK CARE OF THIS REAL
RICH FAMILY'S LITTLE GIRL IN

LIKE, SHE TOOK CARE OF THIS REAL
RICH FAMILY'S LITTLE GIRL IN
PARIS AND FRANCE, AND THE

RICH FAMILY'S LITTLE GIRL IN
PARIS AND FRANCE, AND THE
HOTEL...

PARIS AND FRANCE, AND THE
HOTEL...
[BOTH LAUGH]

HOTEL...
[BOTH LAUGH]
THE HOTEL WHERE THEY FILMED...

[BOTH LAUGH]
THE HOTEL WHERE THEY FILMED...
THEY FILMED A MOVIE IN FRONT OF

THE HOTEL WHERE THEY FILMED...
THEY FILMED A MOVIE IN FRONT OF
IT, AND SHE... SHE SAW

THEY FILMED A MOVIE IN FRONT OF
IT, AND SHE... SHE SAW
CYBILL SHEPHERD.

IT, AND SHE... SHE SAW
CYBILL SHEPHERD.
[LAUGHS]

CYBILL SHEPHERD.
[LAUGHS]
THEN... TELL HER... TELL HER

[LAUGHS]
THEN... TELL HER... TELL HER
ABOUT RICKY GALE.

THEN... TELL HER... TELL HER
ABOUT RICKY GALE.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, OKAY.

ABOUT RICKY GALE.
OH, YEAH, RIGHT, OKAY.
THERE'S THIS GIRL, RICKY GALE,

OH, YEAH, RIGHT, OKAY.
THERE'S THIS GIRL, RICKY GALE,
WHO, LIKE, AT THE FOURTH OF JULY

THERE'S THIS GIRL, RICKY GALE,
WHO, LIKE, AT THE FOURTH OF JULY
PICNIC...

WHO, LIKE, AT THE FOURTH OF JULY
PICNIC...
[BOTH LAUGH]

PICNIC...
[BOTH LAUGH]
SHE, LIKE, GOT THE... IT WAS FOR

[BOTH LAUGH]
SHE, LIKE, GOT THE... IT WAS FOR
HER COUSINS, AND SHE GOT THE

SHE, LIKE, GOT THE... IT WAS FOR
HER COUSINS, AND SHE GOT THE
SUGAR AND SALT MIXED UP, AND SHE

HER COUSINS, AND SHE GOT THE
SUGAR AND SALT MIXED UP, AND SHE
PUT THE... SHE PUT THE SUGAR IN

SUGAR AND SALT MIXED UP, AND SHE
PUT THE... SHE PUT THE SUGAR IN
THE POTATO SALAD AND THE SALT IN

PUT THE... SHE PUT THE SUGAR IN
THE POTATO SALAD AND THE SALT IN
THE CUPCAKES.

THE POTATO SALAD AND THE SALT IN
THE CUPCAKES.
GOOD... GOOD CUPCAKES!

THE CUPCAKES.
GOOD... GOOD CUPCAKES!
YEAH, IT WAS... IT WAS REAL

GOOD... GOOD CUPCAKES!
YEAH, IT WAS... IT WAS REAL
FUNNY.

YEAH, IT WAS... IT WAS REAL
FUNNY.
WE WROTE A REAL FUNNY CHAPTER

FUNNY.
WE WROTE A REAL FUNNY CHAPTER
ABOUT IT.

WE WROTE A REAL FUNNY CHAPTER
ABOUT IT.
[LAUGHS]

ABOUT IT.
[LAUGHS]
I'M SURE IT'S HILARIOUS.

[LAUGHS]
I'M SURE IT'S HILARIOUS.
A WHOLE BUNCH OF GUYS GOT A

I'M SURE IT'S HILARIOUS.
A WHOLE BUNCH OF GUYS GOT A
DRIVE-AWAY CAR AND WENT OUT TO

A WHOLE BUNCH OF GUYS GOT A
DRIVE-AWAY CAR AND WENT OUT TO
CALIFORNIA.

DRIVE-AWAY CAR AND WENT OUT TO
CALIFORNIA.
THEY WOULD DRIVE IN SHIFTS AND

CALIFORNIA.
THEY WOULD DRIVE IN SHIFTS AND
STUFF.

THEY WOULD DRIVE IN SHIFTS AND
STUFF.
THEY TOOK TURNS.

STUFF.
THEY TOOK TURNS.
ALL THEY DID WAS STOP FOR GAS

THEY TOOK TURNS.
ALL THEY DID WAS STOP FOR GAS
AND STUFF.

ALL THEY DID WAS STOP FOR GAS
AND STUFF.
YEAH, LIKE, THEY DROVE

AND STUFF.
YEAH, LIKE, THEY DROVE
STRAIGHT THROUGH IT, AND JUST SO

YEAH, LIKE, THEY DROVE
STRAIGHT THROUGH IT, AND JUST SO
ONLY THEY WOULD STOP TO GO TO

STRAIGHT THROUGH IT, AND JUST SO
ONLY THEY WOULD STOP TO GO TO
THE BATHROOM AND EAT.

ONLY THEY WOULD STOP TO GO TO
THE BATHROOM AND EAT.
THEY HAD TO.

THE BATHROOM AND EAT.
THEY HAD TO.
YEAH.

THEY HAD TO.
YEAH.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE!

YEAH.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE!
ONE... ONE CHAPTER'S ABOUT THIS

OH, WAIT A MINUTE!
ONE... ONE CHAPTER'S ABOUT THIS
GIRL WHO GOT COOTIES!

ONE... ONE CHAPTER'S ABOUT THIS
GIRL WHO GOT COOTIES!
[BOTH LAUGH]

GIRL WHO GOT COOTIES!
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'M JUST KIDDING.

[BOTH LAUGH]
I'M JUST KIDDING.
OH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

I'M JUST KIDDING.
OH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
THAT'S SO FUNNY, IT'S NOT EVEN

OH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
THAT'S SO FUNNY, IT'S NOT EVEN
FUNNY.

THAT'S SO FUNNY, IT'S NOT EVEN
FUNNY.
HOW ABOUT A NOOGIE FOR THAT?!

FUNNY.
HOW ABOUT A NOOGIE FOR THAT?!
AAH!

HOW ABOUT A NOOGIE FOR THAT?!
AAH!
YEAH, I SAW YOU THIS MORNING,

AAH!
YEAH, I SAW YOU THIS MORNING,
BUT MY MOM MADE ME FLUSH THE

YEAH, I SAW YOU THIS MORNING,
BUT MY MOM MADE ME FLUSH THE
TOILET.

BUT MY MOM MADE ME FLUSH THE
TOILET.
MORE NOOGIES FOR THAT!

TOILET.
MORE NOOGIES FOR THAT!
I-I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU EACH

MORE NOOGIES FOR THAT!
I-I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU EACH
WROTE A CHAPTER ABOUT

I-I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU EACH
WROTE A CHAPTER ABOUT
YOURSELVES.

WROTE A CHAPTER ABOUT
YOURSELVES.
YEAH.

YOURSELVES.
YEAH.
IT'S ALL ABOUT US AND THE STUFF

YEAH.
IT'S ALL ABOUT US AND THE STUFF
WE DO AND ALL THE WORK WE DID

IT'S ALL ABOUT US AND THE STUFF
WE DO AND ALL THE WORK WE DID
WRITING THE BOOK.

WE DO AND ALL THE WORK WE DID
WRITING THE BOOK.
YEAH, LIKE, RIGHT.

WRITING THE BOOK.
YEAH, LIKE, RIGHT.
I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE FINDING

YEAH, LIKE, RIGHT.
I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE FINDING
EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER.

I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE FINDING
EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER.
[LAUGHS]

EVERYBODY'S PHONE NUMBER.
[LAUGHS]
STOP IT!

[LAUGHS]
STOP IT!
AND ANYWAY, THIS ONE GUY WASN'T

STOP IT!
AND ANYWAY, THIS ONE GUY WASN'T
LISTED ANYWHERE, AND I TRIED TO

AND ANYWAY, THIS ONE GUY WASN'T
LISTED ANYWHERE, AND I TRIED TO
PHONE EVERYBODY.

LISTED ANYWHERE, AND I TRIED TO
PHONE EVERYBODY.
I COULDN'T FIND HIS NUMBER.

PHONE EVERYBODY.
I COULDN'T FIND HIS NUMBER.
AND I PHONED HIS MOTHER, AND SHE

I COULDN'T FIND HIS NUMBER.
AND I PHONED HIS MOTHER, AND SHE
WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.

AND I PHONED HIS MOTHER, AND SHE
WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
I DON'T BLAME HER.

WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
I DON'T BLAME HER.
OKAY, TODD LABOUNDA,

I DON'T BLAME HER.
OKAY, TODD LABOUNDA,
LISA LOOPNER, THANK YOU FOR

OKAY, TODD LABOUNDA,
LISA LOOPNER, THANK YOU FOR
TELLING US WHAT HAPPENED TO THE

LISA LOOPNER, THANK YOU FOR
TELLING US WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
CLASS OF '77.

TELLING US WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
CLASS OF '77.
Both: [Singsong voice]

CLASS OF '77.
Both: [Singsong voice]
THANK YOU, MISS CURTIN.

Both: [Singsong voice]
THANK YOU, MISS CURTIN.
AND THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, MISS CURTIN.
AND THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[CLEARS THROAT]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[CLEARS THROAT]
I GUESS THIS IS MY STOP.

[CLEARS THROAT]
I GUESS THIS IS MY STOP.
[GROANING]

YEAH.
THEY ALL THOUGHT I'D BE THE
FIRST TO GO.

THEY ALL THOUGHT I'D BE THE
FIRST TO GO.
I WAS ONE OF THOSE "LIVE FAST,

FIRST TO GO.
I WAS ONE OF THOSE "LIVE FAST,
DIE YOUNG, LEAVE A GOOD-LOOKING

I WAS ONE OF THOSE "LIVE FAST,
DIE YOUNG, LEAVE A GOOD-LOOKING
CORPSE" TYPES, YOU KNOW?

DIE YOUNG, LEAVE A GOOD-LOOKING
CORPSE" TYPES, YOU KNOW?
BUT I GUESS THEY WERE WRONG.

CORPSE" TYPES, YOU KNOW?
BUT I GUESS THEY WERE WRONG.
THERE THEY ARE... ALL MY

BUT I GUESS THEY WERE WRONG.
THERE THEY ARE... ALL MY
FRIENDS.

THERE THEY ARE... ALL MY
FRIENDS.
THIS IS THE

FRIENDS.
THIS IS THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

THIS IS THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
CEMETERY.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
CEMETERY.
COME ON UP.

CEMETERY.
COME ON UP.
[GRUNTING]

COME ON UP.
[GRUNTING]
WELL...

[GRUNTING]
WELL...
HERE'S GILDA RADNER.

WELL...
HERE'S GILDA RADNER.
AH...

HERE'S GILDA RADNER.
AH...
SHE HAD HER OWN SHOW ON CANADIAN

AH...
SHE HAD HER OWN SHOW ON CANADIAN
TELEVISION FOR YEARS AND YEARS,

SHE HAD HER OWN SHOW ON CANADIAN
TELEVISION FOR YEARS AND YEARS,
"THE GILDA RADNER SHOW."

TELEVISION FOR YEARS AND YEARS,
"THE GILDA RADNER SHOW."
WELL, AT LEAST NOW I CAN SEE HER

"THE GILDA RADNER SHOW."
WELL, AT LEAST NOW I CAN SEE HER
ON RERUNS.

WELL, AT LEAST NOW I CAN SEE HER
ON RERUNS.
CUTE AS A BUTTON, GOD BLESS HER.

ON RERUNS.
CUTE AS A BUTTON, GOD BLESS HER.
HERE'S WHERE LARAINE IS.

CUTE AS A BUTTON, GOD BLESS HER.
HERE'S WHERE LARAINE IS.
THEY SAY SHE MURDERED HER DEEJAY

HERE'S WHERE LARAINE IS.
THEY SAY SHE MURDERED HER DEEJAY
HUSBAND, THEN MOVED TO THE

THEY SAY SHE MURDERED HER DEEJAY
HUSBAND, THEN MOVED TO THE
VALLEY IN CALIFORNIA AND HAD A

HUSBAND, THEN MOVED TO THE
VALLEY IN CALIFORNIA AND HAD A
PECAN FARM.

SHE WAS THIS BIG WHEN SHE DIED.

JANE CURTIN.
SHE MARRIED A STOCKBROKER, HAD
TWO CHILDREN, MOVED TO UPSTATE

SHE MARRIED A STOCKBROKER, HAD
TWO CHILDREN, MOVED TO UPSTATE
NEW YORK.

TWO CHILDREN, MOVED TO UPSTATE
NEW YORK.
SHE DIED FROM COMPLICATIONS

NEW YORK.
SHE DIED FROM COMPLICATIONS
DURING COSMETIC SURGERY.

SHE DIED FROM COMPLICATIONS
DURING COSMETIC SURGERY.
THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS.

DURING COSMETIC SURGERY.
THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS.
NOW, GARRETT... GARRETT LEFT THE

THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS.
NOW, GARRETT... GARRETT LEFT THE
SHOW AND THEN WORKED IN THE

NOW, GARRETT... GARRETT LEFT THE
SHOW AND THEN WORKED IN THE
BLACK THEATER FOR YEARS.

SHOW AND THEN WORKED IN THE
BLACK THEATER FOR YEARS.
THEN HE DIED OF AN OVERDOSE OF

BLACK THEATER FOR YEARS.
THEN HE DIED OF AN OVERDOSE OF
HEROIN.

THEN HE DIED OF AN OVERDOSE OF
HEROIN.
HERE'S BILL MURRAY.

HEROIN.
HERE'S BILL MURRAY.
HE LIVED THE LONGEST...

HERE'S BILL MURRAY.
HE LIVED THE LONGEST...
38 YEARS.

HE LIVED THE LONGEST...
38 YEARS.
AH, HE WAS HAPPY WHEN HE DIED,

38 YEARS.
AH, HE WAS HAPPY WHEN HE DIED,
THOUGH.

AH, HE WAS HAPPY WHEN HE DIED,
THOUGH.
HE'D JUST GROWN HIS MUSTACHE

THOUGH.
HE'D JUST GROWN HIS MUSTACHE
BACK.

HE'D JUST GROWN HIS MUSTACHE
BACK.
PROBABLY STILL GROWING.

BACK.
PROBABLY STILL GROWING.
OVER HERE IS CHEVY CHASE.

PROBABLY STILL GROWING.
OVER HERE IS CHEVY CHASE.
HE DIED RIGHT AFTER HIS FIRST

OVER HERE IS CHEVY CHASE.
HE DIED RIGHT AFTER HIS FIRST
MOVIE WITH GOLDIE HAWN.

HE DIED RIGHT AFTER HIS FIRST
MOVIE WITH GOLDIE HAWN.
OVER HERE IS DANNY AYKROYD.

MOVIE WITH GOLDIE HAWN.
OVER HERE IS DANNY AYKROYD.
I GUESS HE LOVED HIS HARLEY TOO

OVER HERE IS DANNY AYKROYD.
I GUESS HE LOVED HIS HARLEY TOO
MUCH.

I GUESS HE LOVED HIS HARLEY TOO
MUCH.
THEY CLOCKED HIM AT 175 MILES AN

MUCH.
THEY CLOCKED HIM AT 175 MILES AN
HOUR BEFORE THE CRASH.

THEY CLOCKED HIM AT 175 MILES AN
HOUR BEFORE THE CRASH.
IT WAS A BLUR.

HOUR BEFORE THE CRASH.
IT WAS A BLUR.
I HAD TO BE CALLED IN TO

IT WAS A BLUR.
I HAD TO BE CALLED IN TO
IDENTIFY HIS BODY.

I HAD TO BE CALLED IN TO
IDENTIFY HIS BODY.
I RECOGNIZED HIM BY HIS WEBBED

IDENTIFY HIS BODY.
I RECOGNIZED HIM BY HIS WEBBED
TOES.

I RECOGNIZED HIM BY HIS WEBBED
TOES.
YEP.

TOES.
YEP.
WELL...

YEP.
WELL...
THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WAS

WELL...
THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WAS
THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WAS
THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.
AND NOW THEY'RE ALL GONE.

THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.
AND NOW THEY'RE ALL GONE.
AND I MISS EVERY ONE OF THEM.

AND NOW THEY'RE ALL GONE.
AND I MISS EVERY ONE OF THEM.
WHY ME?

AND I MISS EVERY ONE OF THEM.
WHY ME?
WHY DID I LIVE SO LONG?

WHY ME?
WHY DID I LIVE SO LONG?
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

WHY DID I LIVE SO LONG?
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

THEY'RE ALL DEAD.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
'CAUSE I'M A DANCER!

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
'CAUSE I'M A DANCER!
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

'CAUSE I'M A DANCER!
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
[MAN SINGING IN NATIVE

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
[MAN SINGING IN NATIVE
LANGUAGE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. ANDY KAUFMAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MARCHING-BAND MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[MARCHING-BAND MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]
[MARCHING-BAND MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[MARCHING-BAND MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[British accent] ALL RIGHT,

[MUSIC STOPS]
[British accent] ALL RIGHT,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[British accent] ALL RIGHT,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE AND

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE AND
LOOK OUT AND SEE EVERYONE'S

IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE AND
LOOK OUT AND SEE EVERYONE'S
SMILING FACES.

LOOK OUT AND SEE EVERYONE'S
SMILING FACES.
EVERYONE IS FEELING GOOD?

SMILING FACES.
EVERYONE IS FEELING GOOD?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYONE IS FEELING GOOD?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL...
WELL, YOU KNOW, UM, NOW THAT

WELL...
WELL, YOU KNOW, UM, NOW THAT
WE'VE GOTTEN MORE INTIMATE WITH

WELL, YOU KNOW, UM, NOW THAT
WE'VE GOTTEN MORE INTIMATE WITH
EACH OTHER AND FEEL MORE

WE'VE GOTTEN MORE INTIMATE WITH
EACH OTHER AND FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE, I'D LIKE TO PROCEED

EACH OTHER AND FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE, I'D LIKE TO PROCEED
WITH WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.

COMFORTABLE, I'D LIKE TO PROCEED
WITH WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.
THEY TOLD ME THAT SINCE THERE

WITH WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.
THEY TOLD ME THAT SINCE THERE
WAS ONLY ABOUT 20 OR 25 MINUTES

THEY TOLD ME THAT SINCE THERE
WAS ONLY ABOUT 20 OR 25 MINUTES
LEFT IN THE SHOW TONIGHT THAT

WAS ONLY ABOUT 20 OR 25 MINUTES
LEFT IN THE SHOW TONIGHT THAT
SINCE I'VE BEEN ON SEVERAL TIMES

LEFT IN THE SHOW TONIGHT THAT
SINCE I'VE BEEN ON SEVERAL TIMES
BEFORE, THEY TRUST ME.

SINCE I'VE BEEN ON SEVERAL TIMES
BEFORE, THEY TRUST ME.
THE PRODUCERS AND THE PEOPLE

BEFORE, THEY TRUST ME.
THE PRODUCERS AND THE PEOPLE
WHO RUN THE SHOW, THEY SAID THEY

THE PRODUCERS AND THE PEOPLE
WHO RUN THE SHOW, THEY SAID THEY
TRUST ME VERY MUCH AND THAT THEY

WHO RUN THE SHOW, THEY SAID THEY
TRUST ME VERY MUCH AND THAT THEY
WOULD LET ME DO ANYTHING I WANT

TRUST ME VERY MUCH AND THAT THEY
WOULD LET ME DO ANYTHING I WANT
AND I COULD HAVE THE REST OF THE

WOULD LET ME DO ANYTHING I WANT
AND I COULD HAVE THE REST OF THE
TIME, IF IT TAKES THAT LONG.

AND I COULD HAVE THE REST OF THE
TIME, IF IT TAKES THAT LONG.
SO, UH, I WAS WONDERING WHAT...

TIME, IF IT TAKES THAT LONG.
SO, UH, I WAS WONDERING WHAT...
WHAT TO DO.

SO, UH, I WAS WONDERING WHAT...
WHAT TO DO.
WHAT COULD I DO IN THIS TO FILL

WHAT TO DO.
WHAT COULD I DO IN THIS TO FILL
UP THIS 20, 25 MINUTES?

WHAT COULD I DO IN THIS TO FILL
UP THIS 20, 25 MINUTES?
AND COULD I SING A SONG, DO A

UP THIS 20, 25 MINUTES?
AND COULD I SING A SONG, DO A
DANCE?

AND COULD I SING A SONG, DO A
DANCE?
THEN I THOUGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW,

DANCE?
THEN I THOUGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW,
BEFORE, I'VE BEEN ON THE SHOW,

THEN I THOUGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW,
BEFORE, I'VE BEEN ON THE SHOW,
I'VE DONE CHARACTERS, YOU KNOW,

BEFORE, I'VE BEEN ON THE SHOW,
I'VE DONE CHARACTERS, YOU KNOW,
LIKE THE LITTLE FOREIGN MAN,

I'VE DONE CHARACTERS, YOU KNOW,
LIKE THE LITTLE FOREIGN MAN,
FOREIGN IMMIGRANT WHO GOES...

LIKE THE LITTLE FOREIGN MAN,
FOREIGN IMMIGRANT WHO GOES...
[Foreign accent] "THANK YOU,

FOREIGN IMMIGRANT WHO GOES...
[Foreign accent] "THANK YOU,
VERY MUCH.

[Foreign accent] "THANK YOU,
VERY MUCH.
I'M VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE."

VERY MUCH.
I'M VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE."
[British accent] YOU KNOW?

I'M VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE."
[British accent] YOU KNOW?
AND THEN I'VE DONE THIS AMERICAN

[British accent] YOU KNOW?
AND THEN I'VE DONE THIS AMERICAN
CHARACTER, THAT GOES...

AND THEN I'VE DONE THIS AMERICAN
CHARACTER, THAT GOES...
[American accent] "HI, I'M

CHARACTER, THAT GOES...
[American accent] "HI, I'M
ANDY, AND HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

[American accent] "HI, I'M
ANDY, AND HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
♪ OH, THE COW GOES MOO" ♪

ANDY, AND HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
♪ OH, THE COW GOES MOO" ♪
[British accent] YOU KNOW.

♪ OH, THE COW GOES MOO" ♪
[British accent] YOU KNOW.
AND, UH, I THOUGHT INSTEAD OF

[British accent] YOU KNOW.
AND, UH, I THOUGHT INSTEAD OF
DOING THAT, WHY DON'T I JUST

AND, UH, I THOUGHT INSTEAD OF
DOING THAT, WHY DON'T I JUST
COME OUT AND BE STRAIGHT WITH

DOING THAT, WHY DON'T I JUST
COME OUT AND BE STRAIGHT WITH
YOU AND JUST BE MYSELF?

COME OUT AND BE STRAIGHT WITH
YOU AND JUST BE MYSELF?
SO... SO THAT'S WHAT... SO,

YOU AND JUST BE MYSELF?
SO... SO THAT'S WHAT... SO,
ANYWAY, THEN I THOUGHT, WELL,

SO... SO THAT'S WHAT... SO,
ANYWAY, THEN I THOUGHT, WELL,
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

ANYWAY, THEN I THOUGHT, WELL,
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I WAS AT A LOSS FOR WHAT TO DO

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I WAS AT A LOSS FOR WHAT TO DO
TO FILL UP THE TIME.

I WAS AT A LOSS FOR WHAT TO DO
TO FILL UP THE TIME.
SO, I SAW THIS BOOK.

TO FILL UP THE TIME.
SO, I SAW THIS BOOK.
IT WAS LYING... JUST A LITTLE

SO, I SAW THIS BOOK.
IT WAS LYING... JUST A LITTLE
WHILE AGO, I SAW IT LYING

IT WAS LYING... JUST A LITTLE
WHILE AGO, I SAW IT LYING
AROUND, AND IT REMINDED ME OF

WHILE AGO, I SAW IT LYING
AROUND, AND IT REMINDED ME OF
WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL AND THIS

AROUND, AND IT REMINDED ME OF
WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL AND THIS
LITERATURE TEACHER GAVE ME THIS

WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL AND THIS
LITERATURE TEACHER GAVE ME THIS
BOOK, TOLD ME TO READ IT, SAID

LITERATURE TEACHER GAVE ME THIS
BOOK, TOLD ME TO READ IT, SAID
IT WAS THE GREATEST AMERICAN

BOOK, TOLD ME TO READ IT, SAID
IT WAS THE GREATEST AMERICAN
NOVEL EVER WRITTEN.

IT WAS THE GREATEST AMERICAN
NOVEL EVER WRITTEN.
AND, UH, I TAKE ISSUE WITH THAT.

NOVEL EVER WRITTEN.
AND, UH, I TAKE ISSUE WITH THAT.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT IT IS.

AND, UH, I TAKE ISSUE WITH THAT.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT IT IS.
BUT I'D... WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT IT IS.
BUT I'D... WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO
TONIGHT, IS I'D LIKE TO READ IT

BUT I'D... WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO
TONIGHT, IS I'D LIKE TO READ IT
TO YOU.

TONIGHT, IS I'D LIKE TO READ IT
TO YOU.
AND THEN PERHAPS WE COULD... YOU

TO YOU.
AND THEN PERHAPS WE COULD... YOU
COULD POINT OUT SOME SUBTLETIES

AND THEN PERHAPS WE COULD... YOU
COULD POINT OUT SOME SUBTLETIES
I MIGHT HAVE MISSED IN... IN

COULD POINT OUT SOME SUBTLETIES
I MIGHT HAVE MISSED IN... IN
CASE, YOU KNOW... IF WE HAVE

I MIGHT HAVE MISSED IN... IN
CASE, YOU KNOW... IF WE HAVE
TIME TO FOLLOW FOR DISCUSSION.

CASE, YOU KNOW... IF WE HAVE
TIME TO FOLLOW FOR DISCUSSION.
SO, ANYWAY, IT'S CALLED... IT'S

TIME TO FOLLOW FOR DISCUSSION.
SO, ANYWAY, IT'S CALLED... IT'S
CALLED "THE GREAT GATSBY."

SO, ANYWAY, IT'S CALLED... IT'S
CALLED "THE GREAT GATSBY."
IT'S BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD.

CALLED "THE GREAT GATSBY."
IT'S BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD.
AND, UH, HERE IT IS.

IT'S BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD.
AND, UH, HERE IT IS.
CHAPTER ONE.

AND, UH, HERE IT IS.
CHAPTER ONE.
[CLEARS THROAT]

CHAPTER ONE.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"IN MY YOUNGER AND MORE

[CLEARS THROAT]
"IN MY YOUNGER AND MORE
VULNERABLE YEARS, MY FATHER GAVE

"IN MY YOUNGER AND MORE
VULNERABLE YEARS, MY FATHER GAVE
ME SOME ADVICE THAT I'VE BEEN

VULNERABLE YEARS, MY FATHER GAVE
ME SOME ADVICE THAT I'VE BEEN
TURNING OVER IN MY MIND EVER

ME SOME ADVICE THAT I'VE BEEN
TURNING OVER IN MY MIND EVER
SINCE.

TURNING OVER IN MY MIND EVER
SINCE.
'WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE

SINCE.
'WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE
CRITICIZING ANYONE, ' HE TOLD ME,

'WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE
CRITICIZING ANYONE, ' HE TOLD ME,
'JUST REMEMBER THAT ALL THE

CRITICIZING ANYONE, ' HE TOLD ME,
'JUST REMEMBER THAT ALL THE
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD HAVEN'T HAD

'JUST REMEMBER THAT ALL THE
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD HAVEN'T HAD
THE ADVANTAGES THAT YOU'VE HAD.'

PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD HAVEN'T HAD
THE ADVANTAGES THAT YOU'VE HAD.'
HE DIDN'T SAY ANY MORE, BUT

THE ADVANTAGES THAT YOU'VE HAD.'
HE DIDN'T SAY ANY MORE, BUT
WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN UNUSUALLY

HE DIDN'T SAY ANY MORE, BUT
WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN UNUSUALLY
COMMUNICATIVE IN A RESERVED WAY,

WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN UNUSUALLY
COMMUNICATIVE IN A RESERVED WAY,
AND I UNDERSTOOD THAT HE MEANT A

COMMUNICATIVE IN A RESERVED WAY,
AND I UNDERSTOOD THAT HE MEANT A
GREAT DEAL MORE THAN THAT.

AND I UNDERSTOOD THAT HE MEANT A
GREAT DEAL MORE THAN THAT.
IN CONSEQUENCE, I'M INCLINED TO

GREAT DEAL MORE THAN THAT.
IN CONSEQUENCE, I'M INCLINED TO
RESERVE ALL JUDGEMENTS, A HABIT

IN CONSEQUENCE, I'M INCLINED TO
RESERVE ALL JUDGEMENTS, A HABIT
THAT HAS OPENED UP MANY CURIOUS

RESERVE ALL JUDGEMENTS, A HABIT
THAT HAS OPENED UP MANY CURIOUS
NATURES TO ME AND ALSO MADE ME

THAT HAS OPENED UP MANY CURIOUS
NATURES TO ME AND ALSO MADE ME
THE VICTIM OF NOT A FEW VETERAN

NATURES TO ME AND ALSO MADE ME
THE VICTIM OF NOT A FEW VETERAN
BORES."

THE VICTIM OF NOT A FEW VETERAN
BORES."
[AUDIENCE COUGHING]

BORES."
[AUDIENCE COUGHING]
"THE ABNORMAL MIND IS QUICK TO

[AUDIENCE COUGHING]
"THE ABNORMAL MIND IS QUICK TO
DETECT AND ATTACH ITSELF TO THIS

"THE ABNORMAL MIND IS QUICK TO
DETECT AND ATTACH ITSELF TO THIS
QUALITY WHEN IT APPEARS IN A

DETECT AND ATTACH ITSELF TO THIS
QUALITY WHEN IT APPEARS IN A
NORMAL PERSON, AND SO IT CAME

QUALITY WHEN IT APPEARS IN A
NORMAL PERSON, AND SO IT CAME
ABOUT THAT IN COLLEGE I WAS

NORMAL PERSON, AND SO IT CAME
ABOUT THAT IN COLLEGE I WAS
UNJUSTLY ACCUSED OF BEING A

ABOUT THAT IN COLLEGE I WAS
UNJUSTLY ACCUSED OF BEING A
POLITICIAN BECAUSE I WAS PRIVY

UNJUSTLY ACCUSED OF BEING A
POLITICIAN BECAUSE I WAS PRIVY
TO THE SECRET GRIEFS OF WILD,

POLITICIAN BECAUSE I WAS PRIVY
TO THE SECRET GRIEFS OF WILD,
UNKNOWN MEN.

TO THE SECRET GRIEFS OF WILD,
UNKNOWN MEN.
MOST OF THE CONFIDENCES WERE

UNKNOWN MEN.
MOST OF THE CONFIDENCES WERE
UNSOUGHT.

MOST OF THE CONFIDENCES WERE
UNSOUGHT.
FREQUENTLY I HAVE FEIGNED SLEEP,

UNSOUGHT.
FREQUENTLY I HAVE FEIGNED SLEEP,
PREOCCUPATION, OR A HOSTILE

FREQUENTLY I HAVE FEIGNED SLEEP,
PREOCCUPATION, OR A HOSTILE
LEVITY WHEN I REALIZED BY SOME

PREOCCUPATION, OR A HOSTILE
LEVITY WHEN I REALIZED BY SOME
UNMISTAKABLE SIGN THAT AN

LEVITY WHEN I REALIZED BY SOME
UNMISTAKABLE SIGN THAT AN
INTIMATE REVELATION WAS

UNMISTAKABLE SIGN THAT AN
INTIMATE REVELATION WAS
QUIVERING ON THE HORIZON, FOR

INTIMATE REVELATION WAS
QUIVERING ON THE HORIZON, FOR
THE INTIMATE REVELATIONS OF

QUIVERING ON THE HORIZON, FOR
THE INTIMATE REVELATIONS OF
YOUNG MEN, OR AT LEAST THE TERMS

THE INTIMATE REVELATIONS OF
YOUNG MEN, OR AT LEAST THE TERMS
IN WHICH THEY EXPRESS THEM, ARE

YOUNG MEN, OR AT LEAST THE TERMS
IN WHICH THEY EXPRESS THEM, ARE
USUALLY PLAGIARISTIC AND MARRED

IN WHICH THEY EXPRESS THEM, ARE
USUALLY PLAGIARISTIC AND MARRED
BY OBVIOUS SUPPRESSIONS."

USUALLY PLAGIARISTIC AND MARRED
BY OBVIOUS SUPPRESSIONS."
[AUDIENCE BOOING]

BY OBVIOUS SUPPRESSIONS."
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
"RESERVING JUDGMENTS IS A MATTER

[AUDIENCE BOOING]
"RESERVING JUDGMENTS IS A MATTER
OF INFINITE HOPE.

"RESERVING JUDGMENTS IS A MATTER
OF INFINITE HOPE.
I AM STILL A LITTLE AFRAID OF

OF INFINITE HOPE.
I AM STILL A LITTLE AFRAID OF
MISSING SOMETHING IF I FORGET

I AM STILL A LITTLE AFRAID OF
MISSING SOMETHING IF I FORGET
THAT, AS MY FATHER SNOBBISHLY

MISSING SOMETHING IF I FORGET
THAT, AS MY FATHER SNOBBISHLY
SUGGESTED AND I SNOBBISHLY

THAT, AS MY FATHER SNOBBISHLY
SUGGESTED AND I SNOBBISHLY
REPEAT, A SENSE OF THE

SUGGESTED AND I SNOBBISHLY
REPEAT, A SENSE OF THE
FUNDAMENTAL DECENCIES IS

REPEAT, A SENSE OF THE
FUNDAMENTAL DECENCIES IS
PARCELED OUT UNEQUALLY AT BIRTH.

FUNDAMENTAL DECENCIES IS
PARCELED OUT UNEQUALLY AT BIRTH.
AND, AFTER BOASTING THIS WAY OF

PARCELED OUT UNEQUALLY AT BIRTH.
AND, AFTER BOASTING THIS WAY OF
MY TOLERANCE, I COME TO THE

AND, AFTER BOASTING THIS WAY OF
MY TOLERANCE, I COME TO THE
ADMISSION THAT IT HAS A LIMIT.

MY TOLERANCE, I COME TO THE
ADMISSION THAT IT HAS A LIMIT.
CONDUCT MAY BE FOUNDED ON THE

ADMISSION THAT IT HAS A LIMIT.
CONDUCT MAY BE FOUNDED ON THE
HARD ROCK OR THE WET MARSHES,

CONDUCT MAY BE FOUNDED ON THE
HARD ROCK OR THE WET MARSHES,
BUT AFTER A CERTAIN POINT, I

HARD ROCK OR THE WET MARSHES,
BUT AFTER A CERTAIN POINT, I
DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S FOUNDED ON.

BUT AFTER A CERTAIN POINT, I
DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S FOUNDED ON.
WHEN I CAME BACK FROM THE EAST

DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S FOUNDED ON.
WHEN I CAME BACK FROM THE EAST
LAST AUTUMN I FELT THAT...

WHEN I CAME BACK FROM THE EAST
LAST AUTUMN I FELT THAT...
I FELT THAT I WANTED THE WORLD

LAST AUTUMN I FELT THAT...
I FELT THAT I WANTED THE WORLD
TO BE..."

I FELT THAT I WANTED THE WORLD
TO BE..."
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

TO BE..."
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
"IN UNIFORM AND AT A SORT OF

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
"IN UNIFORM AND AT A SORT OF
MORAL ATTENTION FOR..."

"IN UNIFORM AND AT A SORT OF
MORAL ATTENTION FOR..."
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK!

MORAL ATTENTION FOR..."
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK!
LET'S KEEP IT DOWN, PLEASE,

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK!
LET'S KEEP IT DOWN, PLEASE,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A

LET'S KEEP IT DOWN, PLEASE,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A
LONG WAY TO GO.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A
LONG WAY TO GO.
[LAUGHTER]

LONG WAY TO GO.
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
NOW, LOOK, WE'RE PRESSED FOR

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
NOW, LOOK, WE'RE PRESSED FOR
TIME, IF YOU DON'T MIND, ALL

NOW, LOOK, WE'RE PRESSED FOR
TIME, IF YOU DON'T MIND, ALL
RIGHT?

TIME, IF YOU DON'T MIND, ALL
RIGHT?
"WHEN I CAME BACK FROM THE EAST

RIGHT?
"WHEN I CAME BACK FROM THE EAST
LAST AUTUMN, I FELT THAT I

"WHEN I CAME BACK FROM THE EAST
LAST AUTUMN, I FELT THAT I
WANTED THE WORLD TO BE IN

LAST AUTUMN, I FELT THAT I
WANTED THE WORLD TO BE IN
UNIFORM AND AT A SORT OF MORAL

WANTED THE WORLD TO BE IN
UNIFORM AND AT A SORT OF MORAL
ATTENTION FOREVER.

UNIFORM AND AT A SORT OF MORAL
ATTENTION FOREVER.
I WANTED NO MORE RIOTOUS

ATTENTION FOREVER.
I WANTED NO MORE RIOTOUS
EXCURSIONS WITH PRIVILEGED

I WANTED NO MORE RIOTOUS
EXCURSIONS WITH PRIVILEGED
GLIMPSES INTO THE HUMAN HEART.

EXCURSIONS WITH PRIVILEGED
GLIMPSES INTO THE HUMAN HEART.
ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN WHO GIVES

GLIMPSES INTO THE HUMAN HEART.
ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN WHO GIVES
HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK, GATSBY,

ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN WHO GIVES
HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK, GATSBY,
WHO REPRESENTED... WHO...

HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK, GATSBY,
WHO REPRESENTED... WHO...
ONLY GATSBY WAS EXEMPT FROM MY

WHO REPRESENTED... WHO...
ONLY GATSBY WAS EXEMPT FROM MY
REACTION.

ONLY GATSBY WAS EXEMPT FROM MY
REACTION.
GATS..."

REACTION.
GATS..."
[AUDIENCE BOOING]

GATS..."
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.

[AUDIENCE BOOING]
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, HOLD ON!

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, HOLD ON!
IF I HEAR ANY MORE...

NOW, HOLD ON!
IF I HEAR ANY MORE...
I WANT IT QUIET.

IF I HEAR ANY MORE...
I WANT IT QUIET.
IF I HEAR ONE MORE SOUND, I'M

I WANT IT QUIET.
IF I HEAR ONE MORE SOUND, I'M
GOING TO CLOSE THIS BOOK AND

IF I HEAR ONE MORE SOUND, I'M
GOING TO CLOSE THIS BOOK AND
FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING!

GOING TO CLOSE THIS BOOK AND
FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, ALL RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, ALL RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

OH, THANK YOU.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
YOU'VE MADE YOUR BED, NOW LIE IN

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
YOU'VE MADE YOUR BED, NOW LIE IN
IT.

YOU'VE MADE YOUR BED, NOW LIE IN
IT.
I'M GOING!

IT.
I'M GOING!
THAT'S IT!

I'M GOING!
THAT'S IT!
GOOD NIGHT!

THAT'S IT!
GOOD NIGHT!
I'M CLOSING IT, FORGETTING ABOUT

GOOD NIGHT!
I'M CLOSING IT, FORGETTING ABOUT
THE WHOLE THING!

I'M CLOSING IT, FORGETTING ABOUT
THE WHOLE THING!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE WHOLE THING!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I... NO, I'M ONLY FOOLING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I... NO, I'M ONLY FOOLING.
I-I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU.

I... NO, I'M ONLY FOOLING.
I-I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU.
I WOULDN'T... I WOULDN'T DO THAT

I-I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU.
I WOULDN'T... I WOULDN'T DO THAT
TO YOU.

I WOULDN'T... I WOULDN'T DO THAT
TO YOU.
NO, NO.

TO YOU.
NO, NO.
"ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN WHO GIVES

NO, NO.
"ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN WHO GIVES
HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK, WAS

"ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN WHO GIVES
HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK, WAS
EXEMPT FROM MY REACTION.

HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK, WAS
EXEMPT FROM MY REACTION.
GATSBY, WHO REPRESENTED

EXEMPT FROM MY REACTION.
GATSBY, WHO REPRESENTED
EVERYTHING FOR WHICH I HAVE AN

GATSBY, WHO REPRESENTED
EVERYTHING FOR WHICH I HAVE AN
UNAFFECTED SCORN.

EVERYTHING FOR WHICH I HAVE AN
UNAFFECTED SCORN.
IF PERSONALITY IS AN UNBROKEN

UNAFFECTED SCORN.
IF PERSONALITY IS AN UNBROKEN
SERIES OF SUCCESSFUL GESTURES,

IF PERSONALITY IS AN UNBROKEN
SERIES OF SUCCESSFUL GESTURES,
THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING

SERIES OF SUCCESSFUL GESTURES,
THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING
GORGEOUS ABOUT HIM, SOME..."

THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING
GORGEOUS ABOUT HIM, SOME..."
[AUDIENCE BOOING]

GORGEOUS ABOUT HIM, SOME..."
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, LET ME

[AUDIENCE BOOING]
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I THINK WHAT WE NEED... I THINK

TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I THINK WHAT WE NEED... I THINK
WHAT WE NEED NOWADAYS IS MORE

I THINK WHAT WE NEED... I THINK
WHAT WE NEED NOWADAYS IS MORE
DISCIPLINE.

WHAT WE NEED NOWADAYS IS MORE
DISCIPLINE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I

DISCIPLINE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I
USED TO HAVE TO WALK ABOUT 7

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I
USED TO HAVE TO WALK ABOUT 7
MILES TO SCHOOL.

USED TO HAVE TO WALK ABOUT 7
MILES TO SCHOOL.
"SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE

MILES TO SCHOOL.
"SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE
CHILD," IS WHAT I SAY.

"SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE
CHILD," IS WHAT I SAY.
GOOD HUFF AROUND A WOODSHED

CHILD," IS WHAT I SAY.
GOOD HUFF AROUND A WOODSHED
WOULD DO SOME OF YOU VERY GOOD.

GOOD HUFF AROUND A WOODSHED
WOULD DO SOME OF YOU VERY GOOD.
ALL RIGHT?

WOULD DO SOME OF YOU VERY GOOD.
ALL RIGHT?
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M

ALL RIGHT?
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M
GOING TO CONTINUE READING.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M
GOING TO CONTINUE READING.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]

GOING TO CONTINUE READING.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
"IF PERSONALITY IS AN..."

[AUDIENCE BOOING]
"IF PERSONALITY IS AN..."
I WON'T THEN!

"IF PERSONALITY IS AN..."
I WON'T THEN!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME

I WON'T THEN!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO?
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

TO DO?
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
"ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN... IF

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
"ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN... IF
PERSONALITY IS AN UNBROKEN

"ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN... IF
PERSONALITY IS AN UNBROKEN
SERIES OF SUCCESSFUL GESTURES,

PERSONALITY IS AN UNBROKEN
SERIES OF SUCCESSFUL GESTURES,
THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING

SERIES OF SUCCESSFUL GESTURES,
THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING
GORGEOUS ABOUT HIM, SOME

THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING
GORGEOUS ABOUT HIM, SOME
HEIGHT..."

GORGEOUS ABOUT HIM, SOME
HEIGHT..."
WHAT?!

HEIGHT..."
WHAT?!
ALL RIGHT, THAT IS IT!

WHAT?!
ALL RIGHT, THAT IS IT!
I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE,

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS IT!
I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE.
I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE, AND

I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE.
I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE, AND
I RESENT IT!

I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE, AND
I RESENT IT!
I WAS TOLD I COULD TAKE ALL THE

I RESENT IT!
I WAS TOLD I COULD TAKE ALL THE
TIME I WANT, AND NOW THEY ASK ME

I WAS TOLD I COULD TAKE ALL THE
TIME I WANT, AND NOW THEY ASK ME
TO LEAVE.

TIME I WANT, AND NOW THEY ASK ME
TO LEAVE.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.

TO LEAVE.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I WAS GOING TO READ YOU THE BOOK

WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I WAS GOING TO READ YOU THE BOOK
AND THEN I WAS GOING TO PLAY YOU

I WAS GOING TO READ YOU THE BOOK
AND THEN I WAS GOING TO PLAY YOU
THE MUSIC RECORD.

AND THEN I WAS GOING TO PLAY YOU
THE MUSIC RECORD.
BUT THAT'S IT.

THE MUSIC RECORD.
BUT THAT'S IT.
YOU DON'T WANT IT, THEN FINE.

BUT THAT'S IT.
YOU DON'T WANT IT, THEN FINE.
I WON'T EVEN DO THAT.

YOU DON'T WANT IT, THEN FINE.
I WON'T EVEN DO THAT.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I WON'T EVEN DO THAT.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
NO!

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
NO!
YOU DON'T WANT THE RECORD,

NO!
YOU DON'T WANT THE RECORD,
EITHER, DO YOU?

YOU DON'T WANT THE RECORD,
EITHER, DO YOU?
FINE.

EITHER, DO YOU?
FINE.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

FINE.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
I LOVE THAT... HOW MANY PEOPLE

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
I LOVE THAT... HOW MANY PEOPLE
WANT THE RECORD?

I LOVE THAT... HOW MANY PEOPLE
WANT THE RECORD?
HOW MANY PEOPLE WANT THE RECORD?

WANT THE RECORD?
HOW MANY PEOPLE WANT THE RECORD?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW MANY PEOPLE WANT THE RECORD?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
YOU REALLY... DO YOU REALLY WANT

ALL RIGHT.
YOU REALLY... DO YOU REALLY WANT
THE RECORD?

YOU REALLY... DO YOU REALLY WANT
THE RECORD?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE RECORD?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OR WOULD YOU RATHER THAT I

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OR WOULD YOU RATHER THAT I
LEAVE?

OR WOULD YOU RATHER THAT I
LEAVE?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO THE RECORD.

LEAVE?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO THE RECORD.
BUT... BUT FIRST... FIRST THE

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO THE RECORD.
BUT... BUT FIRST... FIRST THE
BOOK.

BUT... BUT FIRST... FIRST THE
BOOK.
[AUDIENCE BOOS]

BOOK.
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT THE RECORD?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT THE RECORD?
YEAH!

YOU WANT THE RECORD?
YEAH!
YOU WANT THE RECORD?

YEAH!
YOU WANT THE RECORD?
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'LL HAVE THE

YOU WANT THE RECORD?
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'LL HAVE THE
RECORD.

ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'LL HAVE THE
RECORD.
THEN, WE'LL HAVE... NO, ALL

RECORD.
THEN, WE'LL HAVE... NO, ALL
RIGHT.

THEN, WE'LL HAVE... NO, ALL
RIGHT.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, ALL RIGHT.
[STATIC]

"ONLY GATSBY, THE MAN WHO
GIVES HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK,
WAS EXEMPT FROM MY REACTION.

GIVES HIS NAME TO THIS BOOK,
WAS EXEMPT FROM MY REACTION.
GATSBY, WHO REPRESENTED

WAS EXEMPT FROM MY REACTION.
GATSBY, WHO REPRESENTED
EVERYTHING FOR WHICH I HAVE AN

GATSBY, WHO REPRESENTED
EVERYTHING FOR WHICH I HAVE AN
UNAFFECTED SCORN..."

YOU'VE READ THE BOOK.
YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE.
NOW INTRODUCING...

YES, NOW YOUR LITTLE GIRL CAN
RECREATE THE GRIM REALITY OF
JUDITH ROSSNER'S BLEAK NOVEL OF

RECREATE THE GRIM REALITY OF
JUDITH ROSSNER'S BLEAK NOVEL OF
HOPELESSNESS AND DESPAIR RIGHT

JUDITH ROSSNER'S BLEAK NOVEL OF
HOPELESSNESS AND DESPAIR RIGHT
IN HER VERY OWN BEDROOM ALONE AT

HOPELESSNESS AND DESPAIR RIGHT
IN HER VERY OWN BEDROOM ALONE AT
NIGHT.

IN HER VERY OWN BEDROOM ALONE AT
NIGHT.
YAY!

NIGHT.
YAY!
IT'S EXCITING AND

YAY!
IT'S EXCITING AND
EDUCATIONAL!

IT'S EXCITING AND
EDUCATIONAL!
HOW DO YOU PLAY?

EDUCATIONAL!
HOW DO YOU PLAY?
WELL, TAKE YOUR DIANE KEATON

HOW DO YOU PLAY?
WELL, TAKE YOUR DIANE KEATON
DOLL AND GO TO THE SINGLES BAR.

WELL, TAKE YOUR DIANE KEATON
DOLL AND GO TO THE SINGLES BAR.
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

DOLL AND GO TO THE SINGLES BAR.
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
NOW DRINK THREE

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
NOW DRINK THREE
TEQUILA SUNRISES.

NOW DRINK THREE
TEQUILA SUNRISES.
NOW PICK UP A BUSINESSMAN.

TEQUILA SUNRISES.
NOW PICK UP A BUSINESSMAN.
OH, HELLO!

NOW PICK UP A BUSINESSMAN.
OH, HELLO!
[Deep voice] YOU'RE SO

OH, HELLO!
[Deep voice] YOU'RE SO
BEAUTIFUL.

[Deep voice] YOU'RE SO
BEAUTIFUL.
WANT TO DANCE?

BEAUTIFUL.
WANT TO DANCE?
[Normal voice] ♪ BOOM BOOM

WANT TO DANCE?
[Normal voice] ♪ BOOM BOOM
BOOM ♪

[Normal voice] ♪ BOOM BOOM
BOOM ♪
♪ STAYIN' ALIVE ♪

BOOM ♪
♪ STAYIN' ALIVE ♪
♪ STAYIN' ALIVE ♪

♪ STAYIN' ALIVE ♪
♪ STAYIN' ALIVE ♪
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING

♪ STAYIN' ALIVE ♪
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING
FOR?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING
FOR?
TAKE HIM BACK TO YOUR SINGLES

FOR?
TAKE HIM BACK TO YOUR SINGLES
APARTMENT.

TAKE HIM BACK TO YOUR SINGLES
APARTMENT.
OH, COME TO MY HOUSE!

APARTMENT.
OH, COME TO MY HOUSE!
I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COOKIES!

OH, COME TO MY HOUSE!
I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COOKIES!
♪ DA DA DA DA DA ♪

I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COOKIES!
♪ DA DA DA DA DA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
OH, NOW WE'RE WALKING!

♪ LA LA LA ♪
OH, NOW WE'RE WALKING!
NOW WE'RE AT MY HOUSE!

OH, NOW WE'RE WALKING!
NOW WE'RE AT MY HOUSE!
OKAY, NOW...

NOW WE'RE AT MY HOUSE!
OKAY, NOW...
[Deep voice] I'M GONNA KISS

OKAY, NOW...
[Deep voice] I'M GONNA KISS
YOU RIGHT NOW!

[Deep voice] I'M GONNA KISS
YOU RIGHT NOW!
MMM!

YOU RIGHT NOW!
MMM!
[Normal voice] STOP IT!

MMM!
[Normal voice] STOP IT!
STOP IT!

[Normal voice] STOP IT!
STOP IT!
STOP IT, OR I'M GONNA TAKE DOWN

STOP IT!
STOP IT, OR I'M GONNA TAKE DOWN
YOUR PANTIES AND SPANK YOUR BUM!

STOP IT, OR I'M GONNA TAKE DOWN
YOUR PANTIES AND SPANK YOUR BUM!
JUST LIKE THAT, LIKE THAT!

YOUR PANTIES AND SPANK YOUR BUM!
JUST LIKE THAT, LIKE THAT!
DID I WIN YET?

JUST LIKE THAT, LIKE THAT!
DID I WIN YET?
NO.

DID I WIN YET?
NO.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP PICKING UP

NO.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP PICKING UP
STRANGE MEN UNTIL YOU GET

YOU HAVE TO KEEP PICKING UP
STRANGE MEN UNTIL YOU GET
KILLED.

STRANGE MEN UNTIL YOU GET
KILLED.
SO TAKE DIANE BACK TO THE

KILLED.
SO TAKE DIANE BACK TO THE
SINGLES BAR.

SO TAKE DIANE BACK TO THE
SINGLES BAR.
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

SINGLES BAR.
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
TOSS BACK THREE MORE

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
TOSS BACK THREE MORE
TEQUILA SUNRISES.

TOSS BACK THREE MORE
TEQUILA SUNRISES.
NOW PICK UP ANOTHER GUY.

TEQUILA SUNRISES.
NOW PICK UP ANOTHER GUY.
UH-OH!

NOW PICK UP ANOTHER GUY.
UH-OH!
YOU PICKED UP THE PSYCHOTIC

UH-OH!
YOU PICKED UP THE PSYCHOTIC
BLOND HOMOSEXUAL.

YOU PICKED UP THE PSYCHOTIC
BLOND HOMOSEXUAL.
DOES THAT MEAN I WIN?

BLOND HOMOSEXUAL.
DOES THAT MEAN I WIN?
NO, THAT MEANS YOU GET

DOES THAT MEAN I WIN?
NO, THAT MEANS YOU GET
KILLED.

NO, THAT MEANS YOU GET
KILLED.
OH, NO, IT DON'T!

KILLED.
OH, NO, IT DON'T!
'CAUSE GUESS WHO'S HERE!

OH, NO, IT DON'T!
'CAUSE GUESS WHO'S HERE!
MR. TEDDY BEAR PERSON!

'CAUSE GUESS WHO'S HERE!
MR. TEDDY BEAR PERSON!
HERE HE COMES!

MR. TEDDY BEAR PERSON!
HERE HE COMES!
AND HE'S GONNA GET ALL OF THEM

HERE HE COMES!
AND HE'S GONNA GET ALL OF THEM
AND SMASH THEM ALL UP LIKE THAT!

AND HE'S GONNA GET ALL OF THEM
AND SMASH THEM ALL UP LIKE THAT!
HE'S NOT GONNA LET THEM DO THAT!

AND SMASH THEM ALL UP LIKE THAT!
HE'S NOT GONNA LET THEM DO THAT!
[LAUGHS]

HE'S NOT GONNA LET THEM DO THAT!
[LAUGHS]
YES, IT'S THE LOOKING FOR

[LAUGHS]
YES, IT'S THE LOOKING FOR
MR. GOODBAR SLEEPYTIME

YES, IT'S THE LOOKING FOR
MR. GOODBAR SLEEPYTIME
PLAYSET...

IT'S FROM MAINWAY.

[INTRO TO "CRYING IN MY SLEEP"
PLAYS]
♪ I TOOK A WALK AROUND THE

[PLAYS]
♪ I TOOK A WALK AROUND THE
YARD ♪

♪ I TOOK A WALK AROUND THE
YARD ♪
♪ I DUG THE FLOWERS TILL IT GOT

YARD ♪
♪ I DUG THE FLOWERS TILL IT GOT
TOO HARD ♪

♪ I DUG THE FLOWERS TILL IT GOT
TOO HARD ♪
♪ I SMOKED MY FIRST PACK OF

TOO HARD ♪
♪ I SMOKED MY FIRST PACK OF
CIGARETTES TODAY ♪

♪ I SMOKED MY FIRST PACK OF
CIGARETTES TODAY ♪
♪ THEN I WENT DOWN, DOWN TO

CIGARETTES TODAY ♪
♪ THEN I WENT DOWN, DOWN TO
LUCY'S OLD CAFé ♪

♪ THEN I WENT DOWN, DOWN TO
LUCY'S OLD CAFé ♪
♪ I PUT A HALF A CASE AWAY ♪

LUCY'S OLD CAFé ♪
♪ I PUT A HALF A CASE AWAY ♪
♪ I TOOK A SLEEPING PILL, AND I

♪ I PUT A HALF A CASE AWAY ♪
♪ I TOOK A SLEEPING PILL, AND I
TRIED TO WATCH TV ♪

♪ I TOOK A SLEEPING PILL, AND I
TRIED TO WATCH TV ♪
♪ BUT YOU KNOW, BABY, THE

TRIED TO WATCH TV ♪
♪ BUT YOU KNOW, BABY, THE
LEADING LADY LOOKED TOO MUCH

♪ BUT YOU KNOW, BABY, THE
LEADING LADY LOOKED TOO MUCH
LIKE YOU FOR THE LIKES OF ME ♪

LEADING LADY LOOKED TOO MUCH
LIKE YOU FOR THE LIKES OF ME ♪
♪ AND I WOKE UP CRYING IN MY

LIKE YOU FOR THE LIKES OF ME ♪
♪ AND I WOKE UP CRYING IN MY
SLEEP ♪

♪ AND I WOKE UP CRYING IN MY
SLEEP ♪
♪ I WAS TALKING TO YOUR

SLEEP ♪
♪ I WAS TALKING TO YOUR
PILLOW ♪

♪ I WAS TALKING TO YOUR
PILLOW ♪
♪ AND I REACHED OUT TO TOUCH

PILLOW ♪
♪ AND I REACHED OUT TO TOUCH
YOUR HAND ♪

♪ AND I REACHED OUT TO TOUCH
YOUR HAND ♪
♪ I KNOCKED THE PHONE OFF THE

YOUR HAND ♪
♪ I KNOCKED THE PHONE OFF THE
NIGHTSTAND ♪

♪ I KNOCKED THE PHONE OFF THE
NIGHTSTAND ♪
♪ AND THE OPERATOR SAID ♪

NIGHTSTAND ♪
♪ AND THE OPERATOR SAID ♪
♪ MAY I HELP YOU PLEASE? ♪

♪ AND THE OPERATOR SAID ♪
♪ MAY I HELP YOU PLEASE? ♪
♪ AND I SAID, "NO, THANKS,

♪ MAY I HELP YOU PLEASE? ♪
♪ AND I SAID, "NO, THANKS,
BABY ♪

♪ AND I SAID, "NO, THANKS,
BABY ♪
♪ TONIGHT, THERE AIN'T NO HELP

BABY ♪
♪ TONIGHT, THERE AIN'T NO HELP
FOR ME ♪

♪ TONIGHT, THERE AIN'T NO HELP
FOR ME ♪
♪ YOU SEE, I JUST HAD A BAD

FOR ME ♪
♪ YOU SEE, I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM ♪

♪ YOU SEE, I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH

DREAM ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH
ME" ♪

♪ WENT OUT TO LOOSEN UP THE
CAR ♪
♪ SOMEHOW I WOUND UP AT THE

CAR ♪
♪ SOMEHOW I WOUND UP AT THE
RAINBOW BAR ♪

♪ SOMEHOW I WOUND UP AT THE
RAINBOW BAR ♪
♪ I HAD A SCOTCH AND SODA ON THE

RAINBOW BAR ♪
♪ I HAD A SCOTCH AND SODA ON THE
RUN ♪

♪ I HAD A SCOTCH AND SODA ON THE
RUN ♪
♪ BUT I DIDN'T GET TOO FAR ♪

RUN ♪
♪ BUT I DIDN'T GET TOO FAR ♪
♪ THEN I RAN DOWN, DOWN SOME

♪ BUT I DIDN'T GET TOO FAR ♪
♪ THEN I RAN DOWN, DOWN SOME
FRIENDS I USED TO KNOW ♪

♪ THEN I RAN DOWN, DOWN SOME
FRIENDS I USED TO KNOW ♪
♪ I DRAGGED THEM OUT TO SEE THE

FRIENDS I USED TO KNOW ♪
♪ I DRAGGED THEM OUT TO SEE THE
SHOW ♪

♪ I DRAGGED THEM OUT TO SEE THE
SHOW ♪
♪ I RAN MYSELF A BATH, AND I

SHOW ♪
♪ I RAN MYSELF A BATH, AND I
TRIED TO READ YOUR BOOK ♪

♪ I RAN MYSELF A BATH, AND I
TRIED TO READ YOUR BOOK ♪
♪ BUT YOU KNOW, BABY, THIS TIME

TRIED TO READ YOUR BOOK ♪
♪ BUT YOU KNOW, BABY, THIS TIME
IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM WORTH ALL

♪ BUT YOU KNOW, BABY, THIS TIME
IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM WORTH ALL
THE TIME IT TOOK ♪

IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM WORTH ALL
THE TIME IT TOOK ♪
♪ AND I WOKE UP CRYING IN MY

THE TIME IT TOOK ♪
♪ AND I WOKE UP CRYING IN MY
SLEEP ♪

♪ AND I WOKE UP CRYING IN MY
SLEEP ♪
♪ I WAS TALKING TO YOUR

SLEEP ♪
♪ I WAS TALKING TO YOUR
PILLOW ♪

♪ I WAS TALKING TO YOUR
PILLOW ♪
♪ AND I REACHED OUT TO TOUCH

PILLOW ♪
♪ AND I REACHED OUT TO TOUCH
YOUR HAND ♪

♪ AND I REACHED OUT TO TOUCH
YOUR HAND ♪
♪ I KNOCKED THE PHONE OFF THE

YOUR HAND ♪
♪ I KNOCKED THE PHONE OFF THE
NIGHTSTAND ♪

♪ I KNOCKED THE PHONE OFF THE
NIGHTSTAND ♪
♪ AND THE OPERATOR SAID ♪

NIGHTSTAND ♪
♪ AND THE OPERATOR SAID ♪
♪ MAY I HELP YOU PLEASE? ♪

♪ AND THE OPERATOR SAID ♪
♪ MAY I HELP YOU PLEASE? ♪
♪ AND I SAID, "NO, THANKS,

♪ MAY I HELP YOU PLEASE? ♪
♪ AND I SAID, "NO, THANKS,
BABY ♪

♪ AND I SAID, "NO, THANKS,
BABY ♪
♪ TONIGHT, THERE AIN'T NO HELP

BABY ♪
♪ TONIGHT, THERE AIN'T NO HELP
FOR ME ♪

♪ TONIGHT, THERE AIN'T NO HELP
FOR ME ♪
♪ YOU SEE, I JUST HAD A BAD

FOR ME ♪
♪ YOU SEE, I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM ♪

♪ YOU SEE, I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH

DREAM ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH
ME" ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH
ME" ♪
♪ CRYING IN MY SLEEP ♪

ME" ♪
♪ CRYING IN MY SLEEP ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, I JUST HAD A BAD

♪ CRYING IN MY SLEEP ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM ♪
♪ OOH ♪

DREAM ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ I SAID, "I JUST HAD A BAD

♪ OOH ♪
♪ I SAID, "I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM" ♪

♪ I SAID, "I JUST HAD A BAD
DREAM" ♪
♪ DREAM, DREAM, DREAM ♪

DREAM" ♪
♪ DREAM, DREAM, DREAM ♪
♪ DREAM ♪

♪ DREAM, DREAM, DREAM ♪
♪ DREAM ♪
[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE, SO

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]