Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Jill Clayburgh/Eddie Money - full transcript
The host for the episode is Jill Clayburgh (her second appearance), and the musical guest is Eddie Money. The skits for this episode are as follows: Garrett Morris does a performance of "Danny Boy". An ad features the Royal Deluxe, a car smooth enough to perform circumcisions in the backseat while driving. At the Olympia diner, a new waitress finds the place hard to adjust to, while a woman who wants to put an ad in the window runs into difficulties. Leaonard Plinth-Garnell presents his reviews of bad one-man theater. Richard Herkiman puts on a performance from his shower. Beldar Conehead has an affair with a human woman, but soon after Prymaat catches him, her own affair with a human man is revealed. Eddie Money performs "Baby Hold On" and "Two Tickets to Paradise"
Announcer: "BOWLING FOR
MEDICINE" WILL NOT BE SEEN
TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT
MEDICINE" WILL NOT BE SEEN
TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT
THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.
TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT
THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
♪ THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
♪ THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE
CALLING ♪
♪ THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE
CALLING ♪
♪ FROM TO GLEN TO GLEN
CALLING ♪
♪ FROM TO GLEN TO GLEN
AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE ♪
♪ FROM TO GLEN TO GLEN
AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE ♪
♪ THE SUMMER'S GONE
AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE ♪
♪ THE SUMMER'S GONE
AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING ♪
♪ THE SUMMER'S GONE
AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING ♪
♪ IT'S YOU MUST GO,
AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING ♪
♪ IT'S YOU MUST GO,
MUST GO, AND I MUST BIDE ♪
♪ BUT COME YE BACK
WHEN SUMMER'S IN THE MEADOW ♪
♪ OR WHEN THE VALLEY'S HUSHED
AND WHITE WITH SNOW ♪
♪ YES, I'LL BE HERE
IN SUNSHINE OR IN SHADOW ♪
♪ OH, DANNY BOY, OH, DANNY BOY,
I LOVE YOU SO ♪
♪ BUT WHEN YE COME AND ALL THE
FLOWERS ARE DYING ♪
♪ IF I AM DEAD, AS DEAD I WELL
MAY BE ♪
♪ YOU'LL COME AND FIND THE PLACE
WHERE I AM LYING ♪
♪ AND KNEEL AND SAY AN AVE THERE
FOR ME ♪
♪ AND I SHALL HEAR, THOUGH SOFT
YOU TREAD ABOVE ME ♪
♪ AND O'ER MY GRAVE SHALL
WARMER, SWEETER BE ♪
♪ FOR YOU WILL BEND AND TELL ME
THAT YOU LOVE ME ♪
♪ AND I SHALL SLEEP IN PEACE
UNTIL YOU COME TO ME ♪
♪ ME ♪
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Irish accent] LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
STARRING...
HER SPECIAL GUEST...
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
JILL CLAYBURGH!
HI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
WOW.
THANK YOU.
WOW.
[SIGHS]
WOW.
[SIGHS]
THANK YOU.
[SIGHS]
THANK YOU.
OH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE BACK
THANK YOU.
OH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE BACK
HERE.
OH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE BACK
HERE.
YOU KNOW, I HOSTED THE SHOW TWO
HERE.
YOU KNOW, I HOSTED THE SHOW TWO
YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS REALLY
YOU KNOW, I HOSTED THE SHOW TWO
YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS REALLY
GREAT FUN THEN, AND WE'VE BEEN
YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS REALLY
GREAT FUN THEN, AND WE'VE BEEN
HAVING A GREAT TIME DOING IT
GREAT FUN THEN, AND WE'VE BEEN
HAVING A GREAT TIME DOING IT
THIS YEAR.
HAVING A GREAT TIME DOING IT
THIS YEAR.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE
THIS YEAR.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE
REPEAT OF THE SHOW THAT I DID
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE
REPEAT OF THE SHOW THAT I DID
LAST TIME, I LEARNED A VERY
REPEAT OF THE SHOW THAT I DID
LAST TIME, I LEARNED A VERY
IMPORTANT LESSON.
LAST TIME, I LEARNED A VERY
IMPORTANT LESSON.
I REALIZED THAT, YOU KNOW, WELL,
IMPORTANT LESSON.
I REALIZED THAT, YOU KNOW, WELL,
WITH REHEARSAL AND EVERYTHING,
I REALIZED THAT, YOU KNOW, WELL,
WITH REHEARSAL AND EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE TALKING ALL THE TIME.
WITH REHEARSAL AND EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE TALKING ALL THE TIME.
I DIDN'T REALLY PREPARE THE
YOU'RE TALKING ALL THE TIME.
I DIDN'T REALLY PREPARE THE
OPENING, YOU KNOW, THIS PART, AS
I DIDN'T REALLY PREPARE THE
OPENING, YOU KNOW, THIS PART, AS
WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.
OPENING, YOU KNOW, THIS PART, AS
WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.
THE OPENING, WELL, IT'S
WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.
THE OPENING, WELL, IT'S
IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN BE
THE OPENING, WELL, IT'S
IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN BE
MYSELF AND YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN BE
MYSELF AND YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
ME AND I'M NOT A CHARACTER, I
MYSELF AND YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
ME AND I'M NOT A CHARACTER, I
DON'T HAVE WIGS ON, I'M NOT
ME AND I'M NOT A CHARACTER, I
DON'T HAVE WIGS ON, I'M NOT
CRAZY...
DON'T HAVE WIGS ON, I'M NOT
CRAZY...
AND SO IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE
CRAZY...
AND SO IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE
PREPARED AND MAKE A NICE
AND SO IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE
PREPARED AND MAKE A NICE
IMPRESSION.
PREPARED AND MAKE A NICE
IMPRESSION.
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.
IMPRESSION.
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.
SO BEFORE I CAME BACK THIS TIME,
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.
SO BEFORE I CAME BACK THIS TIME,
I VOWED THAT I WOULD LEARN MY
SO BEFORE I CAME BACK THIS TIME,
I VOWED THAT I WOULD LEARN MY
LESSON FROM THE LAST TIME AND
I VOWED THAT I WOULD LEARN MY
LESSON FROM THE LAST TIME AND
PREPARE.
LESSON FROM THE LAST TIME AND
PREPARE.
WELL, UH...
PREPARE.
WELL, UH...
I LEARNED ANOTHER LESSON THIS
WELL, UH...
I LEARNED ANOTHER LESSON THIS
WEEK.
I LEARNED ANOTHER LESSON THIS
WEEK.
I LEARNED THAT I REALLY DIDN'T
WEEK.
I LEARNED THAT I REALLY DIDN'T
LEARN MY LESSON LAST TIME.
I LEARNED THAT I REALLY DIDN'T
LEARN MY LESSON LAST TIME.
OTHERWISE, THIS OPENING WOULD BE
LEARN MY LESSON LAST TIME.
OTHERWISE, THIS OPENING WOULD BE
A LOT FUNNIER AND A LOT LONGER
OTHERWISE, THIS OPENING WOULD BE
A LOT FUNNIER AND A LOT LONGER
THAN IT'S GOING TO BE.
A LOT FUNNIER AND A LOT LONGER
THAN IT'S GOING TO BE.
SO I THINK I'VE REALLY LEARNED
THAN IT'S GOING TO BE.
SO I THINK I'VE REALLY LEARNED
MY LESSON THIS TIME, AND IF THEY
SO I THINK I'VE REALLY LEARNED
MY LESSON THIS TIME, AND IF THEY
EVER ASK ME BACK, I'M GONNA
MY LESSON THIS TIME, AND IF THEY
EVER ASK ME BACK, I'M GONNA
REALLY WORK ON THIS OPENING
EVER ASK ME BACK, I'M GONNA
REALLY WORK ON THIS OPENING
HARDER THAN ANY OTHER PART OF
REALLY WORK ON THIS OPENING
HARDER THAN ANY OTHER PART OF
THE SHOW.
HARDER THAN ANY OTHER PART OF
THE SHOW.
I MEAN, I'M GONNA REALLY SPEND A
THE SHOW.
I MEAN, I'M GONNA REALLY SPEND A
LOT OF TIME ON IT.
I MEAN, I'M GONNA REALLY SPEND A
LOT OF TIME ON IT.
AND IT'LL REALLY BE GREAT NEXT
LOT OF TIME ON IT.
AND IT'LL REALLY BE GREAT NEXT
TIME, SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, WATCH
AND IT'LL REALLY BE GREAT NEXT
TIME, SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, WATCH
THIS TIME, AND IT'S GONNA BE
TIME, SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, WATCH
THIS TIME, AND IT'S GONNA BE
LONG, AND IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY.
THIS TIME, AND IT'S GONNA BE
LONG, AND IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
LONG, AND IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.
INTRODUCING THE 1978
ROYAL DELUXE II... A LUXURY
NAME AND A LUXURY RIDE AT A
MIDDLE-RANGE PRICE.
IMPOSSIBLE?
WE'VE COME TO TEMPLE BETH SHALOM
IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND
WE'VE COME TO TEMPLE BETH SHALOM
IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND
ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLITZ TO
IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND
ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLITZ TO
CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD
ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLITZ TO
CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD
BENJAMIN KANTER WHILE RIDING IN
CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD
BENJAMIN KANTER WHILE RIDING IN
THE BACKSEAT OF THE ELEGANT
BENJAMIN KANTER WHILE RIDING IN
THE BACKSEAT OF THE ELEGANT
ROYAL DELUXE II.
THE BACKSEAT OF THE ELEGANT
ROYAL DELUXE II.
PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A
ROYAL DELUXE II.
PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A
DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT.
PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A
DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT.
IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A
DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT.
IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A
STEADY CUTTING SURFACE.
IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A
STEADY CUTTING SURFACE.
TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS
STEADY CUTTING SURFACE.
TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS
POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST
TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS
POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST
IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY
POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST
IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY
PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS
IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY
PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS
ROUGH, UNEVEN SURFACE.
PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS
ROUGH, UNEVEN SURFACE.
THIS IS AN ACTUAL DEMONSTRATION.
OUR SPEED... 40 MILES AN HOUR.
THE STYLISH ROYAL DELUXE II
RIDES SMOOTH BECAUSE WE BUILT IT
RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRODYNE
RIDES SMOOTH BECAUSE WE BUILT IT
RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRODYNE
SUSPENSION SYSTEM,
RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRODYNE
SUSPENSION SYSTEM,
RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO
SUSPENSION SYSTEM,
RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO
ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY
RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO
ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY
AND CONTROL.
ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY
AND CONTROL.
AND EVERY NEW, STYLISH
AND CONTROL.
AND EVERY NEW, STYLISH
ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS, AS
AND EVERY NEW, STYLISH
ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS, AS
STANDARD EQUIPMENT, POWER FRONT
ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS, AS
STANDARD EQUIPMENT, POWER FRONT
DISC BRAKES.
STANDARD EQUIPMENT, POWER FRONT
DISC BRAKES.
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
DISC BRAKES.
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[BABY CRYING]
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[BABY CRYING]
PERFECT!
[BABY CRYING]
PERFECT!
YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM
PERFECT!
YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM
A CIRCUMCISION IN THE
YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM
A CIRCUMCISION IN THE
ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO,
A CIRCUMCISION IN THE
ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO,
WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH
ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO,
WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH
RABBI TEPLITZ.
WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH
RABBI TEPLITZ.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BABY...
RABBI TEPLITZ.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BABY...
AND A BEAUTIFUL CAR.
Announcer: ROYAL DELUXE II,
A BEAUTIFUL CAR.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO. OLYMPIA CAFE.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
HELLO. OLYMPIA CAFE.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
NO. NO FRIES, CHIPS.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
NO. NO FRIES, CHIPS.
FOUR CHIP!
NO. NO FRIES, CHIPS.
FOUR CHIP!
FOUR CHIP!
FOUR CHIP!
FOUR CHIP!
WHAT TO DRINK?
FOUR CHIP!
WHAT TO DRINK?
NO COKE. PEPSI.
WHAT TO DRINK?
NO COKE. PEPSI.
FOUR PEPSI!
NO COKE. PEPSI.
FOUR PEPSI!
FOUR PEPSI!
FOUR PEPSI!
FOUR PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT.
FOUR PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DO WHAT I DO, HUH?
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DO WHAT I DO, HUH?
CHEESEBURGER!
JUST DO WHAT I DO, HUH?
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
THREE CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
THREE CHIP!
THREE CHIP!
THREE CHIP!
THREE CHIP!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE CHIP!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE CHIP! THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE CHIP! THREE PEPSI!
I SEE THAT YOU ARE TRAINING
THREE CHIP! THREE PEPSI!
I SEE THAT YOU ARE TRAINING
ANOTHER NEW WAITRESS AGAIN.
I SEE THAT YOU ARE TRAINING
ANOTHER NEW WAITRESS AGAIN.
YEAH. BUT SHE WON'T STAY.
ANOTHER NEW WAITRESS AGAIN.
YEAH. BUT SHE WON'T STAY.
THEY ALL WANT MONEY.
YEAH. BUT SHE WON'T STAY.
THEY ALL WANT MONEY.
YOU KNOW?
THEY ALL WANT MONEY.
YOU KNOW?
EVEN HIM.
YOU KNOW?
EVEN HIM.
I BRING HIM OVER FROM GREECE.
EVEN HIM.
I BRING HIM OVER FROM GREECE.
I GIVE HIM FREE FOOD, A NICE
I BRING HIM OVER FROM GREECE.
I GIVE HIM FREE FOOD, A NICE
PLACE TO SLEEP IN THE BACK.
I GIVE HIM FREE FOOD, A NICE
PLACE TO SLEEP IN THE BACK.
BUT, EVEN NOW, HE'S ALWAYS
PLACE TO SLEEP IN THE BACK.
BUT, EVEN NOW, HE'S ALWAYS
ASKING FOR MONEY.
BUT, EVEN NOW, HE'S ALWAYS
ASKING FOR MONEY.
EHH.
ASKING FOR MONEY.
EHH.
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
EHH.
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
CHEESEBURGER!
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!
TWO CHIP!
TWO CHIP!
TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP! TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP! TWO PEPSI!
HEY, UH, I'M ALMOST DONE.
TWO CHIP! TWO PEPSI!
HEY, UH, I'M ALMOST DONE.
I BETTER ORDER THAT STUFF TO GO.
HEY, UH, I'M ALMOST DONE.
I BETTER ORDER THAT STUFF TO GO.
AH. I LIKE YOU.
I BETTER ORDER THAT STUFF TO GO.
AH. I LIKE YOU.
YOU EAT FAST.
AH. I LIKE YOU.
YOU EAT FAST.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT TO GO?
YOU EAT FAST.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT TO GO?
UM, I WANT A CHEESEBURGER,
ALL RIGHT, WHAT TO GO?
UM, I WANT A CHEESEBURGER,
PEPSI, AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
UM, I WANT A CHEESEBURGER,
PEPSI, AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIP!
PEPSI, AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI, CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI, CHIP!
SANDY, COME HERE.
PEPSI, CHIP!
SANDY, COME HERE.
OKAY, WHEN PETE GOES, YOU
SANDY, COME HERE.
OKAY, WHEN PETE GOES, YOU
HAVE TO STAND BY THE CASH
OKAY, WHEN PETE GOES, YOU
HAVE TO STAND BY THE CASH
REGISTER BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
HAVE TO STAND BY THE CASH
REGISTER BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
PETE IS THE ONLY ONE TO TOUCH
REGISTER BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
PETE IS THE ONLY ONE TO TOUCH
THE CASH REGISTER, HUH?
HI.
UH, WE'RE HAVING A BENEFIT FOR
THE TAGGART TWINS... YOU KNOW,
UH, WE'RE HAVING A BENEFIT FOR
THE TAGGART TWINS... YOU KNOW,
THE LITTLE BOYS THAT ATE THE
THE TAGGART TWINS... YOU KNOW,
THE LITTLE BOYS THAT ATE THE
BALLOON... AND I WAS WONDERING
THE LITTLE BOYS THAT ATE THE
BALLOON... AND I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN
BALLOON... AND I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN
YOUR WINDOW.
IF I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN
YOUR WINDOW.
I CAN?
YOUR WINDOW.
I CAN?
OH!
I CAN?
OH!
CHEESEBURGER?
OH!
CHEESEBURGER?
LOOK, UM, HE DOESN'T
CHEESEBURGER?
LOOK, UM, HE DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.
LOOK, UM, HE DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.
ALL HE KNOWS IS "CHEESEBURGER."
UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.
ALL HE KNOWS IS "CHEESEBURGER."
CHEESEBURGER?
ALL HE KNOWS IS "CHEESEBURGER."
CHEESEBURGER?
OH, HI, GEORGE, LOOK, UH, I
CHEESEBURGER?
OH, HI, GEORGE, LOOK, UH, I
WANT TO TELL YOU THIS JOKE,
OH, HI, GEORGE, LOOK, UH, I
WANT TO TELL YOU THIS JOKE,
OKAY?
WANT TO TELL YOU THIS JOKE,
OKAY?
OH, TELL HIM, TOO... IT'S REAL
OKAY?
OH, TELL HIM, TOO... IT'S REAL
FUNNY.
OH, TELL HIM, TOO... IT'S REAL
FUNNY.
UM, THIS GUY SAYS TO THE OWNER
FUNNY.
UM, THIS GUY SAYS TO THE OWNER
OF A RESTAURANT...
UM, THIS GUY SAYS TO THE OWNER
OF A RESTAURANT...
[SPEAKING GREEK]
OF A RESTAURANT...
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"UH, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"UH, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS
FOR YOU AND SOME WORSE NEWS."
"UH, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS
FOR YOU AND SOME WORSE NEWS."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
FOR YOU AND SOME WORSE NEWS."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE BAD NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE BAD NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE BAD NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE WORSE NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE WORSE NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE WORSE NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE
MEAL!"
"IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE
MEAL!"
[SPEAKING GREEK]
MEAL!"
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.
[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
THANK YOU.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
OLYMPIA CAFE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
OLYMPIA CAFE.
TO GO?
OLYMPIA CAFE.
TO GO?
OKAY.
TO GO?
OKAY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
OKAY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON,
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO, COME
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO, COME
ON, MOVE, COME ON!
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO, COME
ON, MOVE, COME ON!
HI! UM, WE'RE HAVING A
ON, MOVE, COME ON!
HI! UM, WE'RE HAVING A
BENEFIT, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
HI! UM, WE'RE HAVING A
BENEFIT, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN YOUR
BENEFIT, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN YOUR
WINDOW.
I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN YOUR
WINDOW.
SURE. FIVE DOLLARS.
WINDOW.
SURE. FIVE DOLLARS.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T
SURE. FIVE DOLLARS.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
IT'S A BENEFIT.
UNDERSTAND.
IT'S A BENEFIT.
LOOK, YOU COME IN HERE, YOU
IT'S A BENEFIT.
LOOK, YOU COME IN HERE, YOU
DON'T EVEN BUY SOMETHING, YOU
LOOK, YOU COME IN HERE, YOU
DON'T EVEN BUY SOMETHING, YOU
WANT ME TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE
DON'T EVEN BUY SOMETHING, YOU
WANT ME TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE
WINDOW?
WANT ME TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE
WINDOW?
OH, OKAY, I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
WINDOW?
OH, OKAY, I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
OH, OKAY, I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
OKAY, WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
OKAY, WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
UH, I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH
OKAY, WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
UH, I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH
AND A TEA.
UH, I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH
AND A TEA.
NO CLUB. NO TEA.
AND A TEA.
NO CLUB. NO TEA.
CHEESEBURGER.
NO CLUB. NO TEA.
CHEESEBURGER.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A
CHEESEBURGER.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A
CHEESEBURGER, WELL DONE.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A
CHEESEBURGER, WELL DONE.
ALL RIGHT. CHEESEBURGER.
CHEESEBURGER, WELL DONE.
ALL RIGHT. CHEESEBURGER.
WHAT TO DRINK?
ALL RIGHT. CHEESEBURGER.
WHAT TO DRINK?
AH, NO TEA?
WHAT TO DRINK?
AH, NO TEA?
NO TEA. PEPSI.
AH, NO TEA?
NO TEA. PEPSI.
DO YOU HAVE ROOT BEER?
NO TEA. PEPSI.
DO YOU HAVE ROOT BEER?
NO. NO ROOT BEER. PEPSI.
DO YOU HAVE ROOT BEER?
NO. NO ROOT BEER. PEPSI.
GRAPE? DO YOU HAVE...
NO. NO ROOT BEER. PEPSI.
GRAPE? DO YOU HAVE...
PEPSI!
GRAPE? DO YOU HAVE...
PEPSI!
I DON'T THINK I WANT ANYTHING
PEPSI!
I DON'T THINK I WANT ANYTHING
TO DRINK, THANKS.
I DON'T THINK I WANT ANYTHING
TO DRINK, THANKS.
OKAY, TEA.
TO DRINK, THANKS.
OKAY, TEA.
CHEESEBURGER!
OKAY, TEA.
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
HEY, YO, HEY. HEY, YOU!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
HEY, YO, HEY. HEY, YOU!
YOU DON'T SAY IT RIGHT.
HEY, YO, HEY. HEY, YOU!
YOU DON'T SAY IT RIGHT.
OKAY?
YOU DON'T SAY IT RIGHT.
OKAY?
LISTEN.
OKAY?
LISTEN.
CHEEZEBORGER!
LISTEN.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
NO, NO. CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
NO, NO. CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
NO, NO. CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE.
CHEESEBURGER!
I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE.
THIS PLACE IS NUTS!
I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE.
THIS PLACE IS NUTS!
I'M JUST GETTING OUT OF THIS
THIS PLACE IS NUTS!
I'M JUST GETTING OUT OF THIS
PLACE.
I'M JUST GETTING OUT OF THIS
PLACE.
THIS IS CRAZY.
PLACE.
THIS IS CRAZY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
THIS IS CRAZY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI! CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI! CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIPS!
PEPSI! CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIPS!
HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIPS!
HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE NOW.
HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE NOW.
CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A GLASS
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE NOW.
CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A GLASS
OF WATER?
CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A GLASS
OF WATER?
NO WATER. PEPSI.
OF WATER?
NO WATER. PEPSI.
ALL RIGHT, PEPSI.
NO WATER. PEPSI.
ALL RIGHT, PEPSI.
ONE PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, PEPSI.
ONE PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI! PEPSI! COME ON!
ONE PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI! PEPSI! COME ON!
PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI! PEPSI! COME ON!
PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
MARCH 18th, THE PATIENT
CONTINUES TO EXHIBIT ACUTE
SCHIZOPHRENIA, PERHAPS THE MOST
CONTINUES TO EXHIBIT ACUTE
SCHIZOPHRENIA, PERHAPS THE MOST
REMARKABLE CASE SINCE THE THREE
SCHIZOPHRENIA, PERHAPS THE MOST
REMARKABLE CASE SINCE THE THREE
FACES OF EVE.
REMARKABLE CASE SINCE THE THREE
FACES OF EVE.
EACH OF HER MULTIPLE
FACES OF EVE.
EACH OF HER MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES IS SO CLEARLY
EACH OF HER MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES IS SO CLEARLY
DEFINED THAT IT'S ALMOST AS
PERSONALITIES IS SO CLEARLY
DEFINED THAT IT'S ALMOST AS
THOUGH I WERE IN THE ROOM WITH
DEFINED THAT IT'S ALMOST AS
THOUGH I WERE IN THE ROOM WITH
THREE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
THOUGH I WERE IN THE ROOM WITH
THREE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
AHH.
THREE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
AHH.
MISS BERNSTEIN, WOULD YOU SEND
AHH.
MISS BERNSTEIN, WOULD YOU SEND
IN SYBIL?
Announcer: "SYBIL PART III."
HELLO, SYBIL.
All: HELLO, DR. WILBUR.
SYBIL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
All: HELLO, DR. WILBUR.
SYBIL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
SEAT?
SYBIL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
SEAT?
WELL, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL.
SEAT?
WELL, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL.
TODAY, THE TWO OF US ARE GOING
WELL, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL.
TODAY, THE TWO OF US ARE GOING
TO CONFRONT REALITY.
TODAY, THE TWO OF US ARE GOING
TO CONFRONT REALITY.
YOU ARE LABORING UNDER THE
TO CONFRONT REALITY.
YOU ARE LABORING UNDER THE
DELUSION THAT YOU ARE THREE
YOU ARE LABORING UNDER THE
DELUSION THAT YOU ARE THREE
SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
DELUSION THAT YOU ARE THREE
SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
WE ARE THREE SEPARATE
SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
WE ARE THREE SEPARATE
INDIVIDUALS.
WE ARE THREE SEPARATE
INDIVIDUALS.
OH, GOD, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
INDIVIDUALS.
OH, GOD, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
THIS.
OH, GOD, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
THIS.
I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT, BUT, IN
THIS.
I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT, BUT, IN
FACT, YOU'RE ALL ONE PERSON.
I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT, BUT, IN
FACT, YOU'RE ALL ONE PERSON.
YOU ARE SYBIL DORSETT FROM
FACT, YOU'RE ALL ONE PERSON.
YOU ARE SYBIL DORSETT FROM
WILLOW CORNERS, WISCONSIN.
YOU ARE SYBIL DORSETT FROM
WILLOW CORNERS, WISCONSIN.
THIS IS SYBIL DORSETT.
WILLOW CORNERS, WISCONSIN.
THIS IS SYBIL DORSETT.
SHE'S SYBIL CONNOLLY FROM
THIS IS SYBIL DORSETT.
SHE'S SYBIL CONNOLLY FROM
BOSTON.
SHE'S SYBIL CONNOLLY FROM
BOSTON.
I'M SYBIL WEINTRAUB FROM SHAKER
BOSTON.
I'M SYBIL WEINTRAUB FROM SHAKER
HEIGHTS, OHIO.
I'M SYBIL WEINTRAUB FROM SHAKER
HEIGHTS, OHIO.
LOOK, I'VE GOT PROOF.
HEIGHTS, OHIO.
LOOK, I'VE GOT PROOF.
HERE'S MY I.D. WITH ALL MY NAME
LOOK, I'VE GOT PROOF.
HERE'S MY I.D. WITH ALL MY NAME
ON IT... SYBIL WEINTRAUB.
HERE'S MY I.D. WITH ALL MY NAME
ON IT... SYBIL WEINTRAUB.
SYBIL, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
ON IT... SYBIL WEINTRAUB.
SYBIL, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
LOOK, YOU JUST THINK WE'RE
SYBIL, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
LOOK, YOU JUST THINK WE'RE
THE SAME PERSON BECAUSE WE ALL
LOOK, YOU JUST THINK WE'RE
THE SAME PERSON BECAUSE WE ALL
HAPPEN TO BE NAMED SYBIL.
THE SAME PERSON BECAUSE WE ALL
HAPPEN TO BE NAMED SYBIL.
WELL, THAT IS WHAT TIPPED ME
HAPPEN TO BE NAMED SYBIL.
WELL, THAT IS WHAT TIPPED ME
OFF.
WELL, THAT IS WHAT TIPPED ME
OFF.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE GOING
OFF.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE GOING
ON HERE.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE GOING
ON HERE.
SYBIL, ONE OF YOUR PERSONALITIES
ON HERE.
SYBIL, ONE OF YOUR PERSONALITIES
ISN'T EXPRESSING HERSELF.
SYBIL, ONE OF YOUR PERSONALITIES
ISN'T EXPRESSING HERSELF.
WHY IS THAT?
ISN'T EXPRESSING HERSELF.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
SYBIL, YOU'RE VERY HOSTILE
BECAUSE SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
SYBIL, YOU'RE VERY HOSTILE
TODAY.
SYBIL, YOU'RE VERY HOSTILE
TODAY.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING HOW MUCH
TODAY.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING HOW MUCH
PROGRESS WE'VE ALREADY MADE?
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING HOW MUCH
PROGRESS WE'VE ALREADY MADE?
WHEN YOU FIRST CAME HERE, YOU
PROGRESS WE'VE ALREADY MADE?
WHEN YOU FIRST CAME HERE, YOU
WERE MANIFESTING 16 DIFFERENT
WHEN YOU FIRST CAME HERE, YOU
WERE MANIFESTING 16 DIFFERENT
PERSONALITIES, AND NOW WE'VE
WERE MANIFESTING 16 DIFFERENT
PERSONALITIES, AND NOW WE'VE
SUCCESSFULLY INTEGRATED ALL BUT
PERSONALITIES, AND NOW WE'VE
SUCCESSFULLY INTEGRATED ALL BUT
THREE.
SUCCESSFULLY INTEGRATED ALL BUT
THREE.
OF COURSE.
THREE.
OF COURSE.
THE OTHER 13 SYBILS STOPPED
OF COURSE.
THE OTHER 13 SYBILS STOPPED
COMING TO THE SESSION.
THE OTHER 13 SYBILS STOPPED
COMING TO THE SESSION.
MAYBE THEY WERE SMARTER THAN
COMING TO THE SESSION.
MAYBE THEY WERE SMARTER THAN
WE WERE.
MAYBE THEY WERE SMARTER THAN
WE WERE.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE WEREN'T
WE WERE.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE WEREN'T
ENOUGH CHAIRS.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE WEREN'T
ENOUGH CHAIRS.
[LAUGHS]
ENOUGH CHAIRS.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
SYBIL, YOU WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE
SYBIL.
SYBIL, YOU WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE
PERSON UNTIL YOU RELIVE YOUR
SYBIL, YOU WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE
PERSON UNTIL YOU RELIVE YOUR
CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS AND YOU ADMIT
PERSON UNTIL YOU RELIVE YOUR
CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS AND YOU ADMIT
THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS A MONSTER
CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS AND YOU ADMIT
THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS A MONSTER
WHO TORTURED YOU WITH
THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS A MONSTER
WHO TORTURED YOU WITH
BUTTONHOOKS WHILE HANGING YOU
WHO TORTURED YOU WITH
BUTTONHOOKS WHILE HANGING YOU
UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE KITCHEN
BUTTONHOOKS WHILE HANGING YOU
UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE KITCHEN
LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVING YOU
UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE KITCHEN
LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVING YOU
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVING YOU
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
WHAT?
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OH, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL, FACE
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OH, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL, FACE
THE TRUTH.
OH, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL, FACE
THE TRUTH.
REMEMBER.
THE TRUTH.
REMEMBER.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
REMEMBER.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO MY MOTHER DID HANG ME FROM
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO MY MOTHER DID HANG ME FROM
THE LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVE ME
SO MY MOTHER DID HANG ME FROM
THE LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVE ME
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
THE LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVE ME
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
SO WHAT?
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
SO WHAT?
SO DID MINE. BIG DEAL.
SO WHAT?
SO DID MINE. BIG DEAL.
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT
SO DID MINE. BIG DEAL.
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT
BELIEVE ME, IT'S JUST A WEIRD
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT
BELIEVE ME, IT'S JUST A WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S JUST A WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
IT IS A PRETTY WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
IT IS A PRETTY WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
IT IS A PRETTY WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
[LAUGHS]
COINCIDENCE.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
SYBIL, WE SEEM TO BE ON THE
SYBIL.
SYBIL, WE SEEM TO BE ON THE
VERGE OF A BREAKTHROUGH.
SYBIL, WE SEEM TO BE ON THE
VERGE OF A BREAKTHROUGH.
NOW, WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK
VERGE OF A BREAKTHROUGH.
NOW, WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK
TO THE COUCH?
NOW, WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK
TO THE COUCH?
I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
TO THE COUCH?
I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT PLEASE TRY
I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT PLEASE TRY
IT.
UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT PLEASE TRY
IT.
I HATE THIS PART.
IT.
I HATE THIS PART.
SYBIL, WHY DENY THAT YOU'RE
I HATE THIS PART.
SYBIL, WHY DENY THAT YOU'RE
SCHIZO?
SYBIL, WHY DENY THAT YOU'RE
SCHIZO?
WE ALL HAVE MANY PEOPLE INSIDE
SCHIZO?
WE ALL HAVE MANY PEOPLE INSIDE
OF US.
WE ALL HAVE MANY PEOPLE INSIDE
OF US.
I MYSELF AM A... I'M A
OF US.
I MYSELF AM A... I'M A
PSYCHIATRIST.
I MYSELF AM A... I'M A
PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M A MOTHER.
PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M A MOTHER.
I'M... I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
I'M A MOTHER.
I'M... I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
I'M AN UNMARRIED WOMAN.
I'M... I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
I'M AN UNMARRIED WOMAN.
I'M A DANCER, AND AS A MATTER OF
I'M AN UNMARRIED WOMAN.
I'M A DANCER, AND AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I'M TWO DANCERS.
I'M A DANCER, AND AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I'M TWO DANCERS.
I'M JAZZ AND MODERN.
FACT, I'M TWO DANCERS.
I'M JAZZ AND MODERN.
I'M A FURRIER.
I'M JAZZ AND MODERN.
I'M A FURRIER.
I'M FOUR ARTISTS.
I'M A FURRIER.
I'M FOUR ARTISTS.
I'M AN IMPRESSIONIST, A
I'M FOUR ARTISTS.
I'M AN IMPRESSIONIST, A
PHOTO-REALIST, AN ABSTRACT
I'M AN IMPRESSIONIST, A
PHOTO-REALIST, AN ABSTRACT
EXPRESSIONIST, AND A PRIMITIVE,
PHOTO-REALIST, AN ABSTRACT
EXPRESSIONIST, AND A PRIMITIVE,
AND I'M A LOT OF GYM TEACHERS,
EXPRESSIONIST, AND A PRIMITIVE,
AND I'M A LOT OF GYM TEACHERS,
AND I'M AT LEAST ONE DENTAL
AND I'M A LOT OF GYM TEACHERS,
AND I'M AT LEAST ONE DENTAL
TECHNICIAN.
AND I'M AT LEAST ONE DENTAL
TECHNICIAN.
I'VE HAD PROBLEMS, LIKE MOST
TECHNICIAN.
I'VE HAD PROBLEMS, LIKE MOST
YOUNG WOMEN.
I'VE HAD PROBLEMS, LIKE MOST
YOUNG WOMEN.
I WAS HUNG FROM LIGHT FIXTURES
YOUNG WOMEN.
I WAS HUNG FROM LIGHT FIXTURES
AND TORTURED BY MY MOTHER.
I WAS HUNG FROM LIGHT FIXTURES
AND TORTURED BY MY MOTHER.
I SURVIVED, AND SO CAN YOU.
AND TORTURED BY MY MOTHER.
I SURVIVED, AND SO CAN YOU.
YOU CAN BECOME WHOLE AGAIN.
I SURVIVED, AND SO CAN YOU.
YOU CAN BECOME WHOLE AGAIN.
I KNOW IT.
YOU CAN BECOME WHOLE AGAIN.
I KNOW IT.
SYBIL.
I KNOW IT.
SYBIL.
YOU'RE CURED.
SYBIL.
YOU'RE CURED.
OH, SYBIL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE CURED.
OH, SYBIL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE A WHOLE PERSON AGAIN.
OH, SYBIL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE A WHOLE PERSON AGAIN.
OH, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY FOR
YOU'RE A WHOLE PERSON AGAIN.
OH, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY FOR
YOU TO COME BACK HERE EVERY
OH, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY FOR
YOU TO COME BACK HERE EVERY
WEEK.
YOU TO COME BACK HERE EVERY
WEEK.
YOU JUST CHECK IN WITH ME EVERY
WEEK.
YOU JUST CHECK IN WITH ME EVERY
NOW AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE FEELING
YOU JUST CHECK IN WITH ME EVERY
NOW AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE FEELING
A LITTLE BIT DOWN.
NOW AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE FEELING
A LITTLE BIT DOWN.
OH, SYBIL.
A LITTLE BIT DOWN.
OH, SYBIL.
SWEETIE, I AM SO GLAD THAT THIS
OH, SYBIL.
SWEETIE, I AM SO GLAD THAT THIS
HAPPENED.
SWEETIE, I AM SO GLAD THAT THIS
HAPPENED.
AND YOU JUST REMEMBER... YOUR
HAPPENED.
AND YOU JUST REMEMBER... YOUR
MOTHER CANNOT HURT YOU NOW.
AND YOU JUST REMEMBER... YOUR
MOTHER CANNOT HURT YOU NOW.
NOW, LISTEN.
MOTHER CANNOT HURT YOU NOW.
NOW, LISTEN.
I HAVE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT, AND
NOW, LISTEN.
I HAVE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT, AND
SHE'S WAITING FOR ME, BUT YOU
I HAVE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT, AND
SHE'S WAITING FOR ME, BUT YOU
JUST KEEP IN TOUCH.
SHE'S WAITING FOR ME, BUT YOU
JUST KEEP IN TOUCH.
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
JUST KEEP IN TOUCH.
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
UH, MISS BERNSTEIN, SEND IN
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
UH, MISS BERNSTEIN, SEND IN
DEBORAH.
UH, MISS BERNSTEIN, SEND IN
DEBORAH.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
DEBORAH.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OKAY, DEBORAH.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OKAY, DEBORAH.
HOLD IT DOWN.
OKAY, DEBORAH.
HOLD IT DOWN.
NOW, THE TWO OF US HAVE A LOT OF
HOLD IT DOWN.
NOW, THE TWO OF US HAVE A LOT OF
WORK TO DO HERE, SO LET'S NOT
NOW, THE TWO OF US HAVE A LOT OF
WORK TO DO HERE, SO LET'S NOT
WASTE ANY TIME.
WORK TO DO HERE, SO LET'S NOT
WASTE ANY TIME.
AND REMEMBER, DEBORAH.
WASTE ANY TIME.
AND REMEMBER, DEBORAH.
I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE
AND REMEMBER, DEBORAH.
I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE
GARDEN.
Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
ONCE AGAIN FOR "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER," WITH YOUR HOST,
ONCE AGAIN FOR "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER," WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
THEATER," WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
GOOD EVENING, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME TO "BAD ONE-MAN
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME TO "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER."
WELCOME TO "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER."
MONODRAMA, OR ONE-MAN THEATER,
THEATER."
MONODRAMA, OR ONE-MAN THEATER,
HAS GROWN INCREASINGLY POPULAR
MONODRAMA, OR ONE-MAN THEATER,
HAS GROWN INCREASINGLY POPULAR
RECENTLY.
HAS GROWN INCREASINGLY POPULAR
RECENTLY.
THE DYNAMICS OF THE MONODRAMA
RECENTLY.
THE DYNAMICS OF THE MONODRAMA
ARE QUITE SIMPLE.
THE DYNAMICS OF THE MONODRAMA
ARE QUITE SIMPLE.
ONE ACTOR PORTRAYS ONE FAMOUS
ARE QUITE SIMPLE.
ONE ACTOR PORTRAYS ONE FAMOUS
PERSON ONSTAGE ALONE FOR TWO
ONE ACTOR PORTRAYS ONE FAMOUS
PERSON ONSTAGE ALONE FOR TWO
HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK.
PERSON ONSTAGE ALONE FOR TWO
HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK.
STUNNINGLY TEDIOUS.
HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK.
STUNNINGLY TEDIOUS.
TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A
STUNNINGLY TEDIOUS.
TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A
PARTICULARLY BAD EXAMPLE OF
TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A
PARTICULARLY BAD EXAMPLE OF
AMERICAN ONE-MAN THEATER
PARTICULARLY BAD EXAMPLE OF
AMERICAN ONE-MAN THEATER
ENTITLED "AN EVENING WITH..."
AMERICAN ONE-MAN THEATER
ENTITLED "AN EVENING WITH..."
IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1962 BY
ENTITLED "AN EVENING WITH..."
IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1962 BY
FRED REX JR., AND IT IS
IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1962 BY
FRED REX JR., AND IT IS
UNRELENTINGLY BAD.
FRED REX JR., AND IT IS
UNRELENTINGLY BAD.
BAD BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THAN
UNRELENTINGLY BAD.
BAD BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THAN
ONE MAN.
BAD BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THAN
ONE MAN.
IN FACT, THERE ARE FOUR MEN AND
ONE MAN.
IN FACT, THERE ARE FOUR MEN AND
A WOMAN.
IN FACT, THERE ARE FOUR MEN AND
A WOMAN.
WE ARE PLEASED TO PRESENT
A WOMAN.
WE ARE PLEASED TO PRESENT
"AN EVENING WITH..."
WE ARE PLEASED TO PRESENT
"AN EVENING WITH..."
IT IS DUSK IN THE MISSISSIPPI
"AN EVENING WITH..."
IT IS DUSK IN THE MISSISSIPPI
DELTA AS OUR PLAY BEGINS.
IT IS DUSK IN THE MISSISSIPPI
DELTA AS OUR PLAY BEGINS.
I WAS A LITTLE BOY... A
DELTA AS OUR PLAY BEGINS.
I WAS A LITTLE BOY... A
LITTLE BAREFOOT BOY.
I WAS A LITTLE BOY... A
LITTLE BAREFOOT BOY.
I HEAR THE PILOT OF THE BIG
LITTLE BAREFOOT BOY.
I HEAR THE PILOT OF THE BIG
RIVERBOAT YELL TO HIS CAPTAIN AS
I HEAR THE PILOT OF THE BIG
RIVERBOAT YELL TO HIS CAPTAIN AS
THEY PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THE
RIVERBOAT YELL TO HIS CAPTAIN AS
THEY PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THE
MISSISSIPPI, "MARK ONE...
THEY PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THE
MISSISSIPPI, "MARK ONE...
MARK TWAIN...
MISSISSIPPI, "MARK ONE...
MARK TWAIN...
MARK THRAIN...
MARK TWAIN...
MARK THRAIN...
MARK FOURN..."
MARK THRAIN...
MARK FOURN..."
I'M HARRY TRUMAN, AND NO
MARK FOURN..."
I'M HARRY TRUMAN, AND NO
RUSSKI'S GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO
I'M HARRY TRUMAN, AND NO
RUSSKI'S GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO
SIGN.
RUSSKI'S GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO
SIGN.
BACK IN MISSOURI, WE HAD A
SIGN.
BACK IN MISSOURI, WE HAD A
SAYING... IF YOU CAN'T GET IN,
BACK IN MISSOURI, WE HAD A
SAYING... IF YOU CAN'T GET IN,
THEN STAY THE HELL OUT.
SAYING... IF YOU CAN'T GET IN,
THEN STAY THE HELL OUT.
WELL, WHEN I LEFT INDEPENDENCE,
THEN STAY THE HELL OUT.
WELL, WHEN I LEFT INDEPENDENCE,
I TOLD MY WIFE, BESS, "FORGET
WELL, WHEN I LEFT INDEPENDENCE,
I TOLD MY WIFE, BESS, "FORGET
IT.
I TOLD MY WIFE, BESS, "FORGET
IT.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE."
IT.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE."
IT STOPS HERE, I TELL YOU.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE."
IT STOPS HERE, I TELL YOU.
THE BUCK STOPS RIGHT HERE.
IT STOPS HERE, I TELL YOU.
THE BUCK STOPS RIGHT HERE.
GOOD EVENING.
THE BUCK STOPS RIGHT HERE.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M EDGAR ALLAN POE.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M EDGAR ALLAN POE.
LAST NIGHT, I ATE A WHOLE OUNCE
I'M EDGAR ALLAN POE.
LAST NIGHT, I ATE A WHOLE OUNCE
OF PURE OPIUM, AND I'M STILL
LAST NIGHT, I ATE A WHOLE OUNCE
OF PURE OPIUM, AND I'M STILL
FLYING.
OF PURE OPIUM, AND I'M STILL
FLYING.
QUOTH THE RAVEN, "NEVERMORE."
FLYING.
QUOTH THE RAVEN, "NEVERMORE."
THE PIT.
QUOTH THE RAVEN, "NEVERMORE."
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
I AM PAUL ROBESON.
THE PENDULUM.
I AM PAUL ROBESON.
I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
I AM PAUL ROBESON.
I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ HE BOUGHT NO COTTON ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ HE BOUGHT NO COTTON ♪
MY NAME IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
♪ HE BOUGHT NO COTTON ♪
MY NAME IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
AND, YES, I WAS MARRIED TO
MY NAME IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
AND, YES, I WAS MARRIED TO
F.D.R.
AND, YES, I WAS MARRIED TO
F.D.R.
REAL, F.D.R.'s TEETH WERE REAL,
F.D.R.
REAL, F.D.R.'s TEETH WERE REAL,
AND I HATED IT WHEN HE SMOKED.
REAL, F.D.R.'s TEETH WERE REAL,
AND I HATED IT WHEN HE SMOKED.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
YOU WERE ALL MARVELOUS.
THANK YOU.
YOU WERE ALL MARVELOUS.
INCREDIBLY BAD.
YOU WERE ALL MARVELOUS.
INCREDIBLY BAD.
THANK YOU.
INCREDIBLY BAD.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
EXC...
WELL, I'M SURE YOU WILL AGREE
THAT REALLY BIT IT.
WELL, I'M SURE YOU WILL AGREE
THAT REALLY BIT IT.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST.
THAT REALLY BIT IT.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST.
NICK TURNER WAS HAL HOLBROOK AS
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST.
NICK TURNER WAS HAL HOLBROOK AS
MARK TWAIN, STEVE BUSHAKIS
NICK TURNER WAS HAL HOLBROOK AS
MARK TWAIN, STEVE BUSHAKIS
PORTRAYED JAMES WHITMORE AS
MARK TWAIN, STEVE BUSHAKIS
PORTRAYED JAMES WHITMORE AS
HARRY TRUMAN, RAY HAUSER WAS
PORTRAYED JAMES WHITMORE AS
HARRY TRUMAN, RAY HAUSER WAS
PAUL ROBESON IN "THE LIVING
HARRY TRUMAN, RAY HAUSER WAS
PAUL ROBESON IN "THE LIVING
LEGEND," HELEN WAGNER WAS
PAUL ROBESON IN "THE LIVING
LEGEND," HELEN WAGNER WAS
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT IN "LIVING
LEGEND," HELEN WAGNER WAS
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT IN "LIVING
WITH F.D.R.," AND, OF COURSE,
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT IN "LIVING
WITH F.D.R.," AND, OF COURSE,
ROBERT VAUGHN, "AN EVENING WITH
WITH F.D.R.," AND, OF COURSE,
ROBERT VAUGHN, "AN EVENING WITH
EDGAR ALLAN POE," WAS OUR OWN
ROBERT VAUGHN, "AN EVENING WITH
EDGAR ALLAN POE," WAS OUR OWN
RONNIE BATEMAN.
EDGAR ALLAN POE," WAS OUR OWN
RONNIE BATEMAN.
THANK YOU, RONNIE.
RONNIE BATEMAN.
THANK YOU, RONNIE.
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON
THANK YOU, RONNIE.
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON
"BAD ONE-MAN THEATER" WHEN WE
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON
"BAD ONE-MAN THEATER" WHEN WE
PRESENT "ARLO GUTHRIE IS
"BAD ONE-MAN THEATER" WHEN WE
PRESENT "ARLO GUTHRIE IS
HIROHITO IN WORDS AND MUSIC."
PRESENT "ARLO GUTHRIE IS
HIROHITO IN WORDS AND MUSIC."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS
HIROHITO IN WORDS AND MUSIC."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL SAYING
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL SAYING
GOOD NIGHT UNTIL NEXT TIME.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
EDDIE MONEY.
["BABY HOLD ON" PLAYS]
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY, WHAT'S THESE THINGS
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY, WHAT'S THESE THINGS
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' ABOUT ME
♪ BABY, WHAT'S THESE THINGS
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' ABOUT ME
BEHIND MY BACK? ♪
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' ABOUT ME
BEHIND MY BACK? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU MIGHT WANT A
BEHIND MY BACK? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU MIGHT WANT A
BETTER LIFE? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU MIGHT WANT A
BETTER LIFE? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU THINK THESE
BETTER LIFE? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU THINK THESE
THINGS ARE LIES, NOW? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU THINK THESE
THINGS ARE LIES, NOW? ♪
♪ WON'T THINK ABOUT IT, BABY? ♪
THINGS ARE LIES, NOW? ♪
♪ WON'T THINK ABOUT IT, BABY? ♪
♪ I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE
♪ WON'T THINK ABOUT IT, BABY? ♪
♪ I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE
TOP ♪
♪ I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE
TOP ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪
TOP ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ LADY, YOU KNOW THE FUTURE'S
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ LADY, YOU KNOW THE FUTURE'S
LOOKIN' BRIGHTER EVERY MORNIN'
♪ LADY, YOU KNOW THE FUTURE'S
LOOKIN' BRIGHTER EVERY MORNIN'
WHEN I GET UP ♪
LOOKIN' BRIGHTER EVERY MORNIN'
WHEN I GET UP ♪
♪ DON'T BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT'S
WHEN I GET UP ♪
♪ DON'T BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT'S
NOT ENOUGH, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ DON'T BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT'S
NOT ENOUGH, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ JUST BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT WE
NOT ENOUGH, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ JUST BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT WE
GOT, NOW ♪
♪ JUST BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT WE
GOT, NOW ♪
♪ WON'T YOU THINK OF ALL MY
GOT, NOW ♪
♪ WON'T YOU THINK OF ALL MY
LOVIN', NOW? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU THINK OF ALL MY
LOVIN', NOW? ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL I GOT ♪
LOVIN', NOW? ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL I GOT ♪
♪ YES, NOW ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL I GOT ♪
♪ YES, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ YES, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HEY, NOW ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HEY, NOW ♪
♪ TAKE A RICH MAN, TAKE A POOR
♪ HEY, NOW ♪
♪ TAKE A RICH MAN, TAKE A POOR
MAN, NOW ♪
♪ TAKE A RICH MAN, TAKE A POOR
MAN, NOW ♪
♪ REALLY DON'T MEAN ALL THAT
MAN, NOW ♪
♪ REALLY DON'T MEAN ALL THAT
MUCH ♪
♪ REALLY DON'T MEAN ALL THAT
MUCH ♪
♪ MY MAMA'S ALWAYS TOLD ME,
MUCH ♪
♪ MY MAMA'S ALWAYS TOLD ME,
YEAH, THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU
♪ MY MAMA'S ALWAYS TOLD ME,
YEAH, THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU
LOVE, NOW ♪
YEAH, THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU
LOVE, NOW ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
LOVE, NOW ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ I SAID, WHOO ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ I SAID, WHOO ♪
♪ HOLD ON, NOW ♪
♪ I SAID, WHOO ♪
♪ HOLD ON, NOW ♪
♪ OOH, WON'T YOU HOLD ON TO ME
♪ HOLD ON, NOW ♪
♪ OOH, WON'T YOU HOLD ON TO ME
TIGHT, GIRL? ♪
♪ OOH, WON'T YOU HOLD ON TO ME
TIGHT, GIRL? ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪
TIGHT, GIRL? ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU PLEASE BELIEVE ME
♪ NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU PLEASE BELIEVE ME
NOW? ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU PLEASE BELIEVE ME
NOW? ♪
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO ♪
NOW? ♪
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TO ME TIGHTER ♪
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TO ME TIGHTER ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME, NOW ♪
♪ HOLD ON TO ME TIGHTER ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME, NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME, NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HOLD ON! ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HOLD ON! ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR
FAMILY, BUT HERE AT OUR HOUSE,
EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY IN
FAMILY, BUT HERE AT OUR HOUSE,
EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY IN
THE MORNING.
EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY IN
THE MORNING.
I'VE TRIED EVERY KIND OF INSTANT
THE MORNING.
I'VE TRIED EVERY KIND OF INSTANT
BREAKFAST... FLAKES, SHAKES,
I'VE TRIED EVERY KIND OF INSTANT
BREAKFAST... FLAKES, SHAKES,
POWDERS, AND BARS, BUT I COULD
BREAKFAST... FLAKES, SHAKES,
POWDERS, AND BARS, BUT I COULD
NEVER FIND A TRULY NUTRITIOUS
POWDERS, AND BARS, BUT I COULD
NEVER FIND A TRULY NUTRITIOUS
INSTANT BREAKFAST FAST ENOUGH
NEVER FIND A TRULY NUTRITIOUS
INSTANT BREAKFAST FAST ENOUGH
FOR MY ACTIVE FAMILY...
INSTANT BREAKFAST FAST ENOUGH
FOR MY ACTIVE FAMILY...
UNTIL I FOUND NUTRIFIX...
FOR MY ACTIVE FAMILY...
UNTIL I FOUND NUTRIFIX...
AMERICA'S FASTEST INSTANT
UNTIL I FOUND NUTRIFIX...
AMERICA'S FASTEST INSTANT
BREAKFAST.
AMERICA'S FASTEST INSTANT
BREAKFAST.
THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST COMES
BREAKFAST.
THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST COMES
WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE FLAVORED
THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST COMES
WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE FLAVORED
BREAKFAST CARTRIDGES... VANILLA,
WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE FLAVORED
BREAKFAST CARTRIDGES... VANILLA,
STRAWBERRY, CHOCOLATE, SWISS
BREAKFAST CARTRIDGES... VANILLA,
STRAWBERRY, CHOCOLATE, SWISS
MOCHA, AND LIME.
STRAWBERRY, CHOCOLATE, SWISS
MOCHA, AND LIME.
EACH CARTRIDGE CONTAINS MANY
MOCHA, AND LIME.
EACH CARTRIDGE CONTAINS MANY
ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS PLUS 1,000
EACH CARTRIDGE CONTAINS MANY
ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS PLUS 1,000
MILLIGRAMS OF DEXTROAMPHETAMINE
ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS PLUS 1,000
MILLIGRAMS OF DEXTROAMPHETAMINE
SULFATE FOR EXTRA PEP.
MILLIGRAMS OF DEXTROAMPHETAMINE
SULFATE FOR EXTRA PEP.
HI, MOM. GOT TO RUN.
SULFATE FOR EXTRA PEP.
HI, MOM. GOT TO RUN.
I'M LATE FOR THE SCHOOL BUS.
HI, MOM. GOT TO RUN.
I'M LATE FOR THE SCHOOL BUS.
NOT SO FAST, YOUNG LADY.
I'M LATE FOR THE SCHOOL BUS.
NOT SO FAST, YOUNG LADY.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT
NOT SO FAST, YOUNG LADY.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT
YOUR NUTRIFIX.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT
YOUR NUTRIFIX.
AAH!
YOUR NUTRIFIX.
AAH!
MMM, SWISS MOCHA.
AAH!
MMM, SWISS MOCHA.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
MMM, SWISS MOCHA.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
WHOO!
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
WHOO!
HEY, MOM. HIT ME UP.
WHOO!
HEY, MOM. HIT ME UP.
AAAAAAAH!
HEY, MOM. HIT ME UP.
AAAAAAAH!
OH, I LOVE NUTRIFIX.
AAAAAAAH!
OH, I LOVE NUTRIFIX.
I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE FOR
OH, I LOVE NUTRIFIX.
I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE FOR
LUNCH.
I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE FOR
LUNCH.
SINCE I'VE STARTED MY FAMILY
LUNCH.
SINCE I'VE STARTED MY FAMILY
ON THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST PLAN,
SINCE I'VE STARTED MY FAMILY
ON THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST PLAN,
THEY'VE COME TO DEPEND ON IT.
ON THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST PLAN,
THEY'VE COME TO DEPEND ON IT.
HI, HONEY.
THEY'VE COME TO DEPEND ON IT.
HI, HONEY.
HI.
HI, HONEY.
HI.
KIDS GET OFF OKAY?
HI.
KIDS GET OFF OKAY?
THEY SURE, DID, THANKS TO
KIDS GET OFF OKAY?
THEY SURE, DID, THANKS TO
NUTRIFIX.
THEY SURE, DID, THANKS TO
NUTRIFIX.
AAAH!
NUTRIFIX.
AAAH!
WHAT A RUSH.
AAAH!
WHAT A RUSH.
I'LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK
WHAT A RUSH.
I'LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK
WITHOUT USING MY CAR NOW.
I'LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK
WITHOUT USING MY CAR NOW.
GOODBYE, HONEY.
WITHOUT USING MY CAR NOW.
GOODBYE, HONEY.
I LIKE THIS PART THE BEST, WHEN
GOODBYE, HONEY.
I LIKE THIS PART THE BEST, WHEN
I CAN SIT DOWN ALL BY MYSELF AND
I LIKE THIS PART THE BEST, WHEN
I CAN SIT DOWN ALL BY MYSELF AND
HAVE MY OWN NUTRIFIX.
I CAN SIT DOWN ALL BY MYSELF AND
HAVE MY OWN NUTRIFIX.
AAAAAH!
HAVE MY OWN NUTRIFIX.
AAAAAH!
CHOCOLATE.
AAAAAH!
CHOCOLATE.
I THINK I'LL TRY THE STRAWBERRY.
CHOCOLATE.
I THINK I'LL TRY THE STRAWBERRY.
AAH!
I THINK I'LL TRY THE STRAWBERRY.
AAH!
OH, THE LIME...
AAH!
OH, THE LIME...
Announcer: GET YOUR FAMILY
OH, THE LIME...
Announcer: GET YOUR FAMILY
INTO THE NUTRIFIX HABIT.
Announcer: GET YOUR FAMILY
INTO THE NUTRIFIX HABIT.
NUTRIFIX INSTANT BREAKFAST
INTO THE NUTRIFIX HABIT.
NUTRIFIX INSTANT BREAKFAST
INJECTOR PLAN... IT'S THE
NUTRIFIX INSTANT BREAKFAST
INJECTOR PLAN... IT'S THE
BREAKFAST YOU BANG.
INJECTOR PLAN... IT'S THE
BREAKFAST YOU BANG.
FROM VITACORPS.
Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY SOLOMONEX... THE SLEEPING
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY SOLOMONEX... THE SLEEPING
PILL FOR WISE JEWISH KINGS.
YOU BY SOLOMONEX... THE SLEEPING
PILL FOR WISE JEWISH KINGS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
PILL FOR WISE JEWISH KINGS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'LL BE DOING
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'LL BE DOING
THE NEWS STRAIGHT TONIGHT.
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'LL BE DOING
THE NEWS STRAIGHT TONIGHT.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
THE NEWS STRAIGHT TONIGHT.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... WELL,
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... WELL,
THOSE RUMORS HAVE BEEN
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... WELL,
THOSE RUMORS HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED.
THOSE RUMORS HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED.
CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE WILL
CONFIRMED.
CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE WILL
DEFINITELY REPLACE
CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE WILL
DEFINITELY REPLACE
CARROLL O'CONNOR NEXT SEASON AS
DEFINITELY REPLACE
CARROLL O'CONNOR NEXT SEASON AS
ARCHIE BUNKER ON "ALL IN THE
CARROLL O'CONNOR NEXT SEASON AS
ARCHIE BUNKER ON "ALL IN THE
FAMILY."
ARCHIE BUNKER ON "ALL IN THE
FAMILY."
SHOWN HERE GETTING A
FAMILY."
SHOWN HERE GETTING A
CONGRATULATORY KISS FROM
SHOWN HERE GETTING A
CONGRATULATORY KISS FROM
JEAN "EDITH BUNKER" STAPLETON,
CONGRATULATORY KISS FROM
JEAN "EDITH BUNKER" STAPLETON,
CRONKITE SAYS, "I'M SICK OF THE
JEAN "EDITH BUNKER" STAPLETON,
CRONKITE SAYS, "I'M SICK OF THE
NEWS.
CRONKITE SAYS, "I'M SICK OF THE
NEWS.
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ON
NEWS.
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ON
TELEVISION I CAN REALLY BELIEVE
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ON
TELEVISION I CAN REALLY BELIEVE
IN."
TELEVISION I CAN REALLY BELIEVE
IN."
UNRECOGNIZED BY MOST PEOPLE
IN."
UNRECOGNIZED BY MOST PEOPLE
SINCE HE'S GROWN A BEARD AND
UNRECOGNIZED BY MOST PEOPLE
SINCE HE'S GROWN A BEARD AND
WEARS GLASSES, FILM DIRECTOR
SINCE HE'S GROWN A BEARD AND
WEARS GLASSES, FILM DIRECTOR
ROMAN POLANSKI WAS SPOTTED BY
WEARS GLASSES, FILM DIRECTOR
ROMAN POLANSKI WAS SPOTTED BY
OUR ROVING "UPDATE" PHOTOGRAPHER
ROMAN POLANSKI WAS SPOTTED BY
OUR ROVING "UPDATE" PHOTOGRAPHER
DINING OUT IN A PARISIAN CAFE.
OUR ROVING "UPDATE" PHOTOGRAPHER
DINING OUT IN A PARISIAN CAFE.
ASKED ABOUT HIS COMPANION,
DINING OUT IN A PARISIAN CAFE.
ASKED ABOUT HIS COMPANION,
POLANSKI SAID THEY WERE JUST
ASKED ABOUT HIS COMPANION,
POLANSKI SAID THEY WERE JUST
GOOD FRIENDS.
POLANSKI SAID THEY WERE JUST
GOOD FRIENDS.
FRANK RIZZO ANNOUNCED THIS
GOOD FRIENDS.
FRANK RIZZO ANNOUNCED THIS
WEEK THAT HE WILL NOT SEEK
FRANK RIZZO ANNOUNCED THIS
WEEK THAT HE WILL NOT SEEK
RE-ELECTION AS MAYOR OF
WEEK THAT HE WILL NOT SEEK
RE-ELECTION AS MAYOR OF
PHILADELPHIA.
RE-ELECTION AS MAYOR OF
PHILADELPHIA.
RIZZO, WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
PHILADELPHIA.
RIZZO, WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
RUNNING A BRUTAL AND CORRUPT
RIZZO, WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
RUNNING A BRUTAL AND CORRUPT
POLICE FORCE AND A QUESTIONABLE
RUNNING A BRUTAL AND CORRUPT
POLICE FORCE AND A QUESTIONABLE
CITY GOVERNMENT, SAID HE'S TIRED
POLICE FORCE AND A QUESTIONABLE
CITY GOVERNMENT, SAID HE'S TIRED
OF BEING ATTACKED AND MALIGNED
CITY GOVERNMENT, SAID HE'S TIRED
OF BEING ATTACKED AND MALIGNED
AND WILL GO TO A PLACE WHERE HIS
OF BEING ATTACKED AND MALIGNED
AND WILL GO TO A PLACE WHERE HIS
TALENT IS MORE APPRECIATED.
AND WILL GO TO A PLACE WHERE HIS
TALENT IS MORE APPRECIATED.
THE MAYOR LEAVES FOR UGANDA IN
TALENT IS MORE APPRECIATED.
THE MAYOR LEAVES FOR UGANDA IN
JULY.
THE MAYOR LEAVES FOR UGANDA IN
JULY.
ACCORDING TO FORMER HIGH-LEVEL
JULY.
ACCORDING TO FORMER HIGH-LEVEL
OFFICIALS, THE CENTRAL
ACCORDING TO FORMER HIGH-LEVEL
OFFICIALS, THE CENTRAL
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY RECRUITED
OFFICIALS, THE CENTRAL
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY RECRUITED
AMERICAN BLACKS IN THE LATE '60s
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY RECRUITED
AMERICAN BLACKS IN THE LATE '60s
AND EARLY '70s TO SPY ON THE
AMERICAN BLACKS IN THE LATE '60s
AND EARLY '70s TO SPY ON THE
RADICAL BLACK PANTHER PARTY.
AND EARLY '70s TO SPY ON THE
RADICAL BLACK PANTHER PARTY.
JUST HOW THEY INFILTRATED THE
RADICAL BLACK PANTHER PARTY.
JUST HOW THEY INFILTRATED THE
PARTY WAS NOT EXPLAINED, BUT ONE
JUST HOW THEY INFILTRATED THE
PARTY WAS NOT EXPLAINED, BUT ONE
FORMER C.I.A. OPERATOR HINTED
PARTY WAS NOT EXPLAINED, BUT ONE
FORMER C.I.A. OPERATOR HINTED
THAT HIS COVER WAS SIMPLY POSING
FORMER C.I.A. OPERATOR HINTED
THAT HIS COVER WAS SIMPLY POSING
AS ELDRIDGE CLEAVER'S BEST
THAT HIS COVER WAS SIMPLY POSING
AS ELDRIDGE CLEAVER'S BEST
FRIEND.
AS ELDRIDGE CLEAVER'S BEST
FRIEND.
THE KENTUCKY STATE SENATE HAS
FRIEND.
THE KENTUCKY STATE SENATE HAS
PASSED A RESOLUTION RESCINDING
THE KENTUCKY STATE SENATE HAS
PASSED A RESOLUTION RESCINDING
THE PREVIOUS APPROVAL OF THE
PASSED A RESOLUTION RESCINDING
THE PREVIOUS APPROVAL OF THE
EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
THE PREVIOUS APPROVAL OF THE
EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
AT THE SAME TIME, OUR SOURCES
EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
AT THE SAME TIME, OUR SOURCES
REPORT A MEASURE WAS INTRODUCED
AT THE SAME TIME, OUR SOURCES
REPORT A MEASURE WAS INTRODUCED
WHICH WOULD BAR FILLIES FROM
REPORT A MEASURE WAS INTRODUCED
WHICH WOULD BAR FILLIES FROM
RUNNING IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY
WHICH WOULD BAR FILLIES FROM
RUNNING IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY
NEXT MONTH.
RUNNING IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY
NEXT MONTH.
THE FEMALE HORSES WOULD BE
NEXT MONTH.
THE FEMALE HORSES WOULD BE
ALLOWED INTO CHURCHILL DOWNS,
THE FEMALE HORSES WOULD BE
ALLOWED INTO CHURCHILL DOWNS,
BUT ONLY TO MAKE COFFEE FOR THE
ALLOWED INTO CHURCHILL DOWNS,
BUT ONLY TO MAKE COFFEE FOR THE
MALE HORSES.
BUT ONLY TO MAKE COFFEE FOR THE
MALE HORSES.
IN A RELATED STORY FROM
MALE HORSES.
IN A RELATED STORY FROM
KENTUCKY, THE
IN A RELATED STORY FROM
KENTUCKY, THE
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
KENTUCKY, THE
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
HORSE-BREEDING INDUSTRY
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
HORSE-BREEDING INDUSTRY
WAS IN TROUBLE DUE TO AN
HORSE-BREEDING INDUSTRY
WAS IN TROUBLE DUE TO AN
OUTBREAK OF VENEREAL DISEASE IN
WAS IN TROUBLE DUE TO AN
OUTBREAK OF VENEREAL DISEASE IN
PRIZE RACEHORSES.
OUTBREAK OF VENEREAL DISEASE IN
PRIZE RACEHORSES.
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
PRIZE RACEHORSES.
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
VETERINARY EXPERTS DESCRIBE THE
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
VETERINARY EXPERTS DESCRIBE THE
SYMPTOMS OF THE EQUINE V.D. AS
VETERINARY EXPERTS DESCRIBE THE
SYMPTOMS OF THE EQUINE V.D. AS
"UNUSUAL SALIVATING, A
SYMPTOMS OF THE EQUINE V.D. AS
"UNUSUAL SALIVATING, A
DISCOLORATION OF THE EYES, AND
"UNUSUAL SALIVATING, A
DISCOLORATION OF THE EYES, AND
WHEN THE HORSE IS RUNNING, HE
DISCOLORATION OF THE EYES, AND
WHEN THE HORSE IS RUNNING, HE
GOES, 'CLIPPITY CLAP.'"
WHEN THE HORSE IS RUNNING, HE
GOES, 'CLIPPITY CLAP.'"
WELL, SOME MINERS HAVE
GOES, 'CLIPPITY CLAP.'"
WELL, SOME MINERS HAVE
RETURNED TO WORK, BUT
WELL, SOME MINERS HAVE
RETURNED TO WORK, BUT
RATIFICATION OF THE COAL
RETURNED TO WORK, BUT
RATIFICATION OF THE COAL
OPERATOR'S CONTRACT BY ALL THE
RATIFICATION OF THE COAL
OPERATOR'S CONTRACT BY ALL THE
STRIKING MINERS IS STILL AN
OPERATOR'S CONTRACT BY ALL THE
STRIKING MINERS IS STILL AN
ISSUE.
STRIKING MINERS IS STILL AN
ISSUE.
ALWAYS AT THE CORE OF THE
ISSUE.
ALWAYS AT THE CORE OF THE
DISPUTE HAVE BEEN THE UNHEALTHY
ALWAYS AT THE CORE OF THE
DISPUTE HAVE BEEN THE UNHEALTHY
AND OFTEN DANGEROUS CONDITIONS
DISPUTE HAVE BEEN THE UNHEALTHY
AND OFTEN DANGEROUS CONDITIONS
IN THE MINES.
AND OFTEN DANGEROUS CONDITIONS
IN THE MINES.
NOW WITH A LIVE, IN-DEPTH REPORT
IN THE MINES.
NOW WITH A LIVE, IN-DEPTH REPORT
IS "UPDATE'S" ROVING
NOW WITH A LIVE, IN-DEPTH REPORT
IS "UPDATE'S" ROVING
CORRESPONDENT, LARAINE NEWMAN,
IS "UPDATE'S" ROVING
CORRESPONDENT, LARAINE NEWMAN,
FROM GLEN ROCK, WEST VIRGINIA.
CORRESPONDENT, LARAINE NEWMAN,
FROM GLEN ROCK, WEST VIRGINIA.
LARAINE.
FROM GLEN ROCK, WEST VIRGINIA.
LARAINE.
DAN, I'M STANDING NEARLY
LARAINE.
DAN, I'M STANDING NEARLY
1,000 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE OF
DAN, I'M STANDING NEARLY
1,000 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE OF
THE GLEN ROCK MINE.
1,000 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE OF
THE GLEN ROCK MINE.
WITH ME IS FEDERAL MINE
THE GLEN ROCK MINE.
WITH ME IS FEDERAL MINE
INSPECTOR LESTER CRACKFIELD.
WITH ME IS FEDERAL MINE
INSPECTOR LESTER CRACKFIELD.
LESTER, YOU'VE JUST COMPLETED
INSPECTOR LESTER CRACKFIELD.
LESTER, YOU'VE JUST COMPLETED
YOUR INSPECTION OF THIS MINE.
LESTER, YOU'VE JUST COMPLETED
YOUR INSPECTION OF THIS MINE.
HOW DO YOU FIND IT?
YOUR INSPECTION OF THIS MINE.
HOW DO YOU FIND IT?
UH, WELL, MISS NEWMAN, IT'S A
HOW DO YOU FIND IT?
UH, WELL, MISS NEWMAN, IT'S A
SAFE MINE.
UH, WELL, MISS NEWMAN, IT'S A
SAFE MINE.
THERE'S VIRTUALLY NO...
UM...
WE, UH, WE SEEM TO BE HAVING
SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
WE, UH, WE SEEM TO BE HAVING
SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
PROBABLY SOMETHING ELECTRONIC
SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
PROBABLY SOMETHING ELECTRONIC
WITH LARAINE'S EQUIPMENT OR
PROBABLY SOMETHING ELECTRONIC
WITH LARAINE'S EQUIPMENT OR
SOMETHING.
WITH LARAINE'S EQUIPMENT OR
SOMETHING.
WE'LL GET BACK TO HER REPORT AS
SOMETHING.
WE'LL GET BACK TO HER REPORT AS
SOON AS WE CAN.
WE'LL GET BACK TO HER REPORT AS
SOON AS WE CAN.
BILLY CARTER CONTINUES TO MAKE
SOON AS WE CAN.
BILLY CARTER CONTINUES TO MAKE
BIG MONEY DOING PERSONAL
BILLY CARTER CONTINUES TO MAKE
BIG MONEY DOING PERSONAL
APPEARANCES, BUT HIS BEER IS A
BIG MONEY DOING PERSONAL
APPEARANCES, BUT HIS BEER IS A
BOMB.
APPEARANCES, BUT HIS BEER IS A
BOMB.
HOWEVER, THAT HASN'T STOPPED A
BOMB.
HOWEVER, THAT HASN'T STOPPED A
GROUP OF YOUNG REPUBLICANS FROM
HOWEVER, THAT HASN'T STOPPED A
GROUP OF YOUNG REPUBLICANS FROM
DEVELOPING A BEER NAMED AFTER
GROUP OF YOUNG REPUBLICANS FROM
DEVELOPING A BEER NAMED AFTER
DONALD NIXON, BROTHER OF
DEVELOPING A BEER NAMED AFTER
DONALD NIXON, BROTHER OF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
DONALD NIXON, BROTHER OF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
NEW DONALD BEER, EXPECTED TO BE
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
NEW DONALD BEER, EXPECTED TO BE
IN TEST MARKETS BY THE SPRING,
NEW DONALD BEER, EXPECTED TO BE
IN TEST MARKETS BY THE SPRING,
WILL BE ADVERTISED AS, "TO THE
IN TEST MARKETS BY THE SPRING,
WILL BE ADVERTISED AS, "TO THE
RIGHT OF LITE, AND THEN SOME."
WILL BE ADVERTISED AS, "TO THE
RIGHT OF LITE, AND THEN SOME."
RED CHINESE LEADER CHAIRMAN
RIGHT OF LITE, AND THEN SOME."
RED CHINESE LEADER CHAIRMAN
HUA KUA-FENG HAS JUST PUBLISHED
RED CHINESE LEADER CHAIRMAN
HUA KUA-FENG HAS JUST PUBLISHED
A BOOK OF HIS POETRY, AND OUR
HUA KUA-FENG HAS JUST PUBLISHED
A BOOK OF HIS POETRY, AND OUR
CORRESPONDENT IN THE PEOPLE'S
A BOOK OF HIS POETRY, AND OUR
CORRESPONDENT IN THE PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC HAS SENT US AN ADVANCED
CORRESPONDENT IN THE PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC HAS SENT US AN ADVANCED
COPY.
REPUBLIC HAS SENT US AN ADVANCED
COPY.
WE HAD ONE OF HIS POEMS
COPY.
WE HAD ONE OF HIS POEMS
TRANSLATED, AND HERE IS A SAMPLE
WE HAD ONE OF HIS POEMS
TRANSLATED, AND HERE IS A SAMPLE
OF THE WRITINGS OF THIS
TRANSLATED, AND HERE IS A SAMPLE
OF THE WRITINGS OF THIS
COMMUNIST LEADER.
OF THE WRITINGS OF THIS
COMMUNIST LEADER.
THIS IS THE WISDOM OF THE
COMMUNIST LEADER.
THIS IS THE WISDOM OF THE
ORIENT.
THIS IS THE WISDOM OF THE
ORIENT.
"THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM
ORIENT.
"THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM
PEKING WHO MARRIED A GIRL NAMED
"THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM
PEKING WHO MARRIED A GIRL NAMED
VERONICA.
PEKING WHO MARRIED A GIRL NAMED
VERONICA.
DA-DA-DA TA-DA,
VERONICA.
DA-DA-DA TA-DA,
DA-DA-DA TA-DA.
DA-DA-DA TA-DA,
DA-DA-DA TA-DA.
YOU PLAY IT JUST LIKE A
DA-DA-DA TA-DA.
YOU PLAY IT JUST LIKE A
HARMONICA."
YOU PLAY IT JUST LIKE A
HARMONICA."
THERE IS A MESSAGE THERE.
HARMONICA."
THERE IS A MESSAGE THERE.
IN LOS ANGELES TODAY, ACTOR
THERE IS A MESSAGE THERE.
IN LOS ANGELES TODAY, ACTOR
RICARDO MONTALBAN WAS KIDNAPPED
IN LOS ANGELES TODAY, ACTOR
RICARDO MONTALBAN WAS KIDNAPPED
BY A GANG OF ANGRY MIDGETS.
RICARDO MONTALBAN WAS KIDNAPPED
BY A GANG OF ANGRY MIDGETS.
MONTALBAN WAS RELEASED UNHARMED
BY A GANG OF ANGRY MIDGETS.
MONTALBAN WAS RELEASED UNHARMED
A SHORT TIME LATER WHEN THE
MONTALBAN WAS RELEASED UNHARMED
A SHORT TIME LATER WHEN THE
MIDGETS ADMITTED THAT THEY
A SHORT TIME LATER WHEN THE
MIDGETS ADMITTED THAT THEY
THOUGHT THEY'D KIDNAPPED
MIDGETS ADMITTED THAT THEY
THOUGHT THEY'D KIDNAPPED
COMPOSER/SINGER RANDY NEWMAN,
THOUGHT THEY'D KIDNAPPED
COMPOSER/SINGER RANDY NEWMAN,
WHO BEARS AN AMAZING RESEMBLANCE
COMPOSER/SINGER RANDY NEWMAN,
WHO BEARS AN AMAZING RESEMBLANCE
TO MONTALBAN FROM THE KNEES
WHO BEARS AN AMAZING RESEMBLANCE
TO MONTALBAN FROM THE KNEES
DOWN.
TO MONTALBAN FROM THE KNEES
DOWN.
WELL, AS APRIL 15th BEARS DOWN
DOWN.
WELL, AS APRIL 15th BEARS DOWN
ON US, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
WELL, AS APRIL 15th BEARS DOWN
ON US, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
BUSY FILING THEIR INCOME TAX
ON US, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
BUSY FILING THEIR INCOME TAX
RETURNS.
BUSY FILING THEIR INCOME TAX
RETURNS.
SO NOW WITH A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO
RETURNS.
SO NOW WITH A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO
FILE IS UPDATE CONSUMER REPORTER
SO NOW WITH A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO
FILE IS UPDATE CONSUMER REPORTER
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
FILE IS UPDATE CONSUMER REPORTER
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
HI.
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
HI.
ROSEANNE, I IMAGINE THAT LOT
HI.
ROSEANNE, I IMAGINE THAT LOT
OF PEOPLE PAY TOO MUCH TAXES.
ROSEANNE, I IMAGINE THAT LOT
OF PEOPLE PAY TOO MUCH TAXES.
THEY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
OF PEOPLE PAY TOO MUCH TAXES.
THEY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO DEDUCT.
THEY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO DEDUCT.
AM I RIGHT?
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO DEDUCT.
AM I RIGHT?
RIGHT, JANE.
AM I RIGHT?
RIGHT, JANE.
LOTS OF PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW.
RIGHT, JANE.
LOTS OF PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW.
FOR EXAMPLE, MR. RICHARD FETTER
LOTS OF PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW.
FOR EXAMPLE, MR. RICHARD FETTER
WRITES, AND HE SAYS, "DEAR
FOR EXAMPLE, MR. RICHARD FETTER
WRITES, AND HE SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, LAST
WRITES, AND HE SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, LAST
YEAR, I LOST A LOT OF MONEY ON
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, LAST
YEAR, I LOST A LOT OF MONEY ON
DUMB INVESTMENTS.
YEAR, I LOST A LOT OF MONEY ON
DUMB INVESTMENTS.
CAN I CLAIM THESE LOSSES AS
DUMB INVESTMENTS.
CAN I CLAIM THESE LOSSES AS
DEDUCTIONS?"
CAN I CLAIM THESE LOSSES AS
DEDUCTIONS?"
MR. FETTER, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
DEDUCTIONS?"
MR. FETTER, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE
MR. FETTER, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE
ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE
ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO TALK TO THE TAX PEOPLE.
ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO TALK TO THE TAX PEOPLE.
AND I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD
HAD TO TALK TO THE TAX PEOPLE.
AND I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD
IMPRESSION, SO I PUT ON THIS
AND I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD
IMPRESSION, SO I PUT ON THIS
GREAT BLOUSE.
IMPRESSION, SO I PUT ON THIS
GREAT BLOUSE.
IT WAS WHITE, AND IT HAD RUFFLES
GREAT BLOUSE.
IT WAS WHITE, AND IT HAD RUFFLES
ALL AROUND IT.
IT WAS WHITE, AND IT HAD RUFFLES
ALL AROUND IT.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
ALL AROUND IT.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I GOT IT AT KORVETTE'S.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I GOT IT AT KORVETTE'S.
IT WAS REAL CHEAP.
I GOT IT AT KORVETTE'S.
IT WAS REAL CHEAP.
AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF
IT WAS REAL CHEAP.
AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF
POLYESTER.
AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF
POLYESTER.
ANYWAYS, I LOOKED TERRIFIC.
POLYESTER.
ANYWAYS, I LOOKED TERRIFIC.
I SAID TO MYSELF,
ANYWAYS, I LOOKED TERRIFIC.
I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, THESE
I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, THESE
GUYS WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU
"ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, THESE
GUYS WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU
WANT."
GUYS WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU
WANT."
BUT THEN I GET TO THE TAX
WANT."
BUT THEN I GET TO THE TAX
OFFICE, AND I NOTICE THIS KIND
BUT THEN I GET TO THE TAX
OFFICE, AND I NOTICE THIS KIND
OF WEIRD SMELL AROUND ME.
OFFICE, AND I NOTICE THIS KIND
OF WEIRD SMELL AROUND ME.
AND I KEEP SNIFFING AROUND AND
OF WEIRD SMELL AROUND ME.
AND I KEEP SNIFFING AROUND AND
SNIFFING AROUND, AND THEN THE
AND I KEEP SNIFFING AROUND AND
SNIFFING AROUND, AND THEN THE
CLERK AT THE TAX OFFICE IS
SNIFFING AROUND, AND THEN THE
CLERK AT THE TAX OFFICE IS
SNIFFING AROUND AND SNIFFING
CLERK AT THE TAX OFFICE IS
SNIFFING AROUND AND SNIFFING
AROUND.
SNIFFING AROUND AND SNIFFING
AROUND.
AND THE TWO OF US IS SNIFFING
AROUND.
AND THE TWO OF US IS SNIFFING
LIKE DOGS.
AND THE TWO OF US IS SNIFFING
LIKE DOGS.
AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
LIKE DOGS.
AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, DID
AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, DID
SOMETHING DIE ON YOU?"
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, DID
SOMETHING DIE ON YOU?"
WELL, THEN, I REALIZED THAT
SOMETHING DIE ON YOU?"
WELL, THEN, I REALIZED THAT
THESE POLYESTER BLOUSES ARE
WELL, THEN, I REALIZED THAT
THESE POLYESTER BLOUSES ARE
PRETTY CHEAP, BUT THEY GOT A BIG
THESE POLYESTER BLOUSES ARE
PRETTY CHEAP, BUT THEY GOT A BIG
PROBLEM.
PRETTY CHEAP, BUT THEY GOT A BIG
PROBLEM.
THEY RETAIN ODORS THAT HAVE
PROBLEM.
THEY RETAIN ODORS THAT HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...
THEY RETAIN ODORS THAT HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...
LIKE FROM SMOKING OR BUSES OR
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...
LIKE FROM SMOKING OR BUSES OR
OLD CHEESE.
LIKE FROM SMOKING OR BUSES OR
OLD CHEESE.
MY BLOUSE SMELLED LIKE
OLD CHEESE.
MY BLOUSE SMELLED LIKE
NEW JERSEY.
MY BLOUSE SMELLED LIKE
NEW JERSEY.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I'M
NEW JERSEY.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I'M
CLEAN.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I'M
CLEAN.
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
CLEAN.
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
I'D GET READY FOR SCHOOL, I'D
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
I'D GET READY FOR SCHOOL, I'D
LAY ALL MY CLOTHES OUT THE NIGHT
I'D GET READY FOR SCHOOL, I'D
LAY ALL MY CLOTHES OUT THE NIGHT
BEFORE, AND ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL,
LAY ALL MY CLOTHES OUT THE NIGHT
BEFORE, AND ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL,
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL NOT TO GET
BEFORE, AND ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL,
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL NOT TO GET
DIRTY, AND I WALK IN THE MIDDLE
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL NOT TO GET
DIRTY, AND I WALK IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE SIDEWALK JUST LIKE A
DIRTY, AND I WALK IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE SIDEWALK JUST LIKE A
LITTLE DOLL.
OF THE SIDEWALK JUST LIKE A
LITTLE DOLL.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
LITTLE DOLL.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
WHEN I GET TO CLASS, I SAT
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
WHEN I GET TO CLASS, I SAT
BEHIND THIS KID WHO NOBODY LIKED
WHEN I GET TO CLASS, I SAT
BEHIND THIS KID WHO NOBODY LIKED
BECAUSE HE SMELLED DIFFERENT
BEHIND THIS KID WHO NOBODY LIKED
BECAUSE HE SMELLED DIFFERENT
FROM EVERYBODY ELSE.
BECAUSE HE SMELLED DIFFERENT
FROM EVERYBODY ELSE.
WE HAD TO SIT IN ALPHABETICAL
FROM EVERYBODY ELSE.
WE HAD TO SIT IN ALPHABETICAL
ORDER, SO FOR EIGHT YEARS OF MY
WE HAD TO SIT IN ALPHABETICAL
ORDER, SO FOR EIGHT YEARS OF MY
LIFE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
ORDER, SO FOR EIGHT YEARS OF MY
LIFE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO SIT BEHIND
LIFE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO SIT BEHIND
HERNANDO ROSEANNADANDO.
HAD TO SIT BEHIND
HERNANDO ROSEANNADANDO.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
HERNANDO ROSEANNADANDO.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SMELL
I COULDN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SMELL
WAS, BUT EVERY TIME I WAS NEAR
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SMELL
WAS, BUT EVERY TIME I WAS NEAR
THIS GUY, I WANTED TO LIGHT A
WAS, BUT EVERY TIME I WAS NEAR
THIS GUY, I WANTED TO LIGHT A
MATCH.
THIS GUY, I WANTED TO LIGHT A
MATCH.
AND EVERY DAY, HERNANDO ATE THE
MATCH.
AND EVERY DAY, HERNANDO ATE THE
SAME LUNCH... AN EGG SALAD
AND EVERY DAY, HERNANDO ATE THE
SAME LUNCH... AN EGG SALAD
SANDWICH, A GREEN PEPPER, AND A
SAME LUNCH... AN EGG SALAD
SANDWICH, A GREEN PEPPER, AND A
PRETZEL.
SANDWICH, A GREEN PEPPER, AND A
PRETZEL.
WHEN HE'D GET TO SCHOOL IN THE
PRETZEL.
WHEN HE'D GET TO SCHOOL IN THE
MORNING, IT WAS OKAY, BUT AROUND
WHEN HE'D GET TO SCHOOL IN THE
MORNING, IT WAS OKAY, BUT AROUND
11:00, I COULD SMELL THOSE EGGS
MORNING, IT WAS OKAY, BUT AROUND
11:00, I COULD SMELL THOSE EGGS
THROUGH THE BROWN BAG THAT HAD A
11:00, I COULD SMELL THOSE EGGS
THROUGH THE BROWN BAG THAT HAD A
BIG WET CIRCLE ON THE BOTTOM.
THROUGH THE BROWN BAG THAT HAD A
BIG WET CIRCLE ON THE BOTTOM.
AND I'D SAY TO HIM, "HEY,
BIG WET CIRCLE ON THE BOTTOM.
AND I'D SAY TO HIM, "HEY,
HERNANDO HERNANNADANDO, GET THAT
AND I'D SAY TO HIM, "HEY,
HERNANDO HERNANNADANDO, GET THAT
LUNCH OUT OF HERE.
HERNANDO HERNANNADANDO, GET THAT
LUNCH OUT OF HERE.
IT'S MAKING ME SICK."
LUNCH OUT OF HERE.
IT'S MAKING ME SICK."
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME
IT'S MAKING ME SICK."
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME
SICK?
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME
SICK?
LIKE, DID YOU EVER SEE A HAIR ON
SICK?
LIKE, DID YOU EVER SEE A HAIR ON
A PIECE OF SOAP?
LIKE, DID YOU EVER SEE A HAIR ON
A PIECE OF SOAP?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
A PIECE OF SOAP?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
ABOUT?
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
I MEAN, WHAT DOES EGG SALAD OR
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
I MEAN, WHAT DOES EGG SALAD OR
HAIR ON A PIECE OF SOAP HAVE
I MEAN, WHAT DOES EGG SALAD OR
HAIR ON A PIECE OF SOAP HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAXES?
HAIR ON A PIECE OF SOAP HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAXES?
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAXES?
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.
LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
SOMETHING.
LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
HE'D SAY, "LITTLE
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
HE'D SAY, "LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, ONCE
HE'D SAY, "LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, ONCE
UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, ONCE
UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A LITTLE
FAT RABBIT WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A LITTLE
FAT RABBIT WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
FRIENDS.
FAT RABBIT WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
FRIENDS.
ALL THE OTHER RABBITS WOULD GO
FRIENDS.
ALL THE OTHER RABBITS WOULD GO
RIGHT BY HIM... HOPPITY,
ALL THE OTHER RABBITS WOULD GO
RIGHT BY HIM... HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
RIGHT BY HIM... HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
AND HE'D SCREAM, 'HEY, RABBITS,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
AND HE'D SCREAM, 'HEY, RABBITS,
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH ME?'
AND HE'D SCREAM, 'HEY, RABBITS,
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH ME?'
AND THEY SAID, 'NO WAY.'
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH ME?'
AND THEY SAID, 'NO WAY.'
WELL, THE RABBIT GOT VERY
AND THEY SAID, 'NO WAY.'
WELL, THE RABBIT GOT VERY
DEPRESSED, SO HE ASKED A WISE
WELL, THE RABBIT GOT VERY
DEPRESSED, SO HE ASKED A WISE
OLD OWL, 'WHY DON'T NOBODY PLAY
DEPRESSED, SO HE ASKED A WISE
OLD OWL, 'WHY DON'T NOBODY PLAY
WITH ME?'
OLD OWL, 'WHY DON'T NOBODY PLAY
WITH ME?'
AND THE OWL TOLD HIM, 'LITTLE
WITH ME?'
AND THE OWL TOLD HIM, 'LITTLE
RABBIT, THAT POLYESTER SHIRT
AND THE OWL TOLD HIM, 'LITTLE
RABBIT, THAT POLYESTER SHIRT
LOOKS GREAT, BUT IT MAKES YOU
RABBIT, THAT POLYESTER SHIRT
LOOKS GREAT, BUT IT MAKES YOU
SMELL LIKE NEW JERSEY.'
LOOKS GREAT, BUT IT MAKES YOU
SMELL LIKE NEW JERSEY.'
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
SMELL LIKE NEW JERSEY.'
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA."
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA."
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA."
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS"... KEEPING AMERICA
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS"... KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
NIGHT NEWS"... KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
CENTURY.
I'M JUST GOING TO SLEEP.
YOU CAN HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT IF
YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT.
YOU CAN HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT IF
YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT.
DAWN SOON.
YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT.
DAWN SOON.
AH, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE
DAWN SOON.
AH, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE
OUT THERE.
AH, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE
OUT THERE.
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
OUT THERE.
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE'LL BE CROSSING OVER THE
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE'LL BE CROSSING OVER THE
ROCKIES SOON.
WE'LL BE CROSSING OVER THE
ROCKIES SOON.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
ROCKIES SOON.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT A
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT A
BUNCH OF BLURRY MOUNTAINS?
WHAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT A
BUNCH OF BLURRY MOUNTAINS?
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT... JUST LIKE
BUNCH OF BLURRY MOUNTAINS?
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT... JUST LIKE
EVERYTHING ELSE OUT WEST.
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT... JUST LIKE
EVERYTHING ELSE OUT WEST.
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE
EVERYTHING ELSE OUT WEST.
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE
GRAND CANYON?
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE
GRAND CANYON?
YEAH.
GRAND CANYON?
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS
IS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS
IS.
JUST A BIG OUT-OF-FOCUS HOLE IN
IS.
JUST A BIG OUT-OF-FOCUS HOLE IN
THE GROUND... ALL BLURRY AND
JUST A BIG OUT-OF-FOCUS HOLE IN
THE GROUND... ALL BLURRY AND
ALL.
THE GROUND... ALL BLURRY AND
ALL.
LET ME TELL YOU, I BEEN ALL OVER
ALL.
LET ME TELL YOU, I BEEN ALL OVER
THE WORLD.
LET ME TELL YOU, I BEEN ALL OVER
THE WORLD.
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A PLACE I
THE WORLD.
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A PLACE I
REALLY LIKED.
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A PLACE I
REALLY LIKED.
YOU KNOW, EGYPT, JAPAN, FRANCE.
REALLY LIKED.
YOU KNOW, EGYPT, JAPAN, FRANCE.
FRANCE!
YOU KNOW, EGYPT, JAPAN, FRANCE.
FRANCE!
OH, WHAT WAS FRANCE LIKE?
FRANCE!
OH, WHAT WAS FRANCE LIKE?
A BIG LETDOWN.
OH, WHAT WAS FRANCE LIKE?
A BIG LETDOWN.
[SIGHS]
A BIG LETDOWN.
[SIGHS]
I WAS IN PARIS, WENT TO THE
[SIGHS]
I WAS IN PARIS, WENT TO THE
LOUVRE.
I WAS IN PARIS, WENT TO THE
LOUVRE.
I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
LOUVRE.
I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.
I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.
JUST ONE OUT-OF-FOCUS SCULPTURE
THE BIG DEAL IS.
JUST ONE OUT-OF-FOCUS SCULPTURE
AFTER ANOTHER.
JUST ONE OUT-OF-FOCUS SCULPTURE
AFTER ANOTHER.
ROOMS AND ROOMS OF FUZZY
AFTER ANOTHER.
ROOMS AND ROOMS OF FUZZY
PAINTINGS.
ROOMS AND ROOMS OF FUZZY
PAINTINGS.
EVEN THE "MONA LISA"... JUST
PAINTINGS.
EVEN THE "MONA LISA"... JUST
LIKE ALL THE REST... ALL
EVEN THE "MONA LISA"... JUST
LIKE ALL THE REST... ALL
INDISTINCT AND BLURRY.
LIKE ALL THE REST... ALL
INDISTINCT AND BLURRY.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN?
INDISTINCT AND BLURRY.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN?
I MEAN, THE WOMEN IN FRANCE,
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN?
I MEAN, THE WOMEN IN FRANCE,
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST
I MEAN, THE WOMEN IN FRANCE,
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.
[SCOFFS]
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.
[SCOFFS]
AH, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
[SCOFFS]
AH, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
THEY'RE JUST LIKE WOMEN
AH, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
THEY'RE JUST LIKE WOMEN
EVERYWHERE... ALL FUZZY-LOOKING
THEY'RE JUST LIKE WOMEN
EVERYWHERE... ALL FUZZY-LOOKING
AND OUT-OF-FOCUS.
EVERYWHERE... ALL FUZZY-LOOKING
AND OUT-OF-FOCUS.
I'LL TELL YOU, THE ONLY
AND OUT-OF-FOCUS.
I'LL TELL YOU, THE ONLY
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I EVER SAW WAS
I'LL TELL YOU, THE ONLY
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I EVER SAW WAS
MY WIFE.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I EVER SAW WAS
MY WIFE.
I GOT A PICTURE OF HER.
MY WIFE.
I GOT A PICTURE OF HER.
I CARRY IT WHEREVER I GO.
I GOT A PICTURE OF HER.
I CARRY IT WHEREVER I GO.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
I CARRY IT WHEREVER I GO.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
THERE.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
THERE.
NOW, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
THERE.
NOW, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
OH.
NOW, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
IS SHE NO LONGER LIVING?
I'M SORRY.
IS SHE NO LONGER LIVING?
YEAH.
IS SHE NO LONGER LIVING?
YEAH.
SHE DIED IN A CAR CRASH.
YEAH.
SHE DIED IN A CAR CRASH.
I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF.
SHE DIED IN A CAR CRASH.
I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THE
I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THE
WORLD, THEN.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THE
WORLD, THEN.
YEP.
WORLD, THEN.
YEP.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
YEP.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
I'M KIND OF DISILLUSIONED.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
I'M KIND OF DISILLUSIONED.
I LOOK AROUND ME, AND THERE'S NO
I'M KIND OF DISILLUSIONED.
I LOOK AROUND ME, AND THERE'S NO
BEAUTY IN THE WORLD.
I LOOK AROUND ME, AND THERE'S NO
BEAUTY IN THE WORLD.
I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE.
BEAUTY IN THE WORLD.
I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE.
THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING BIG DEALS
I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE.
THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING BIG DEALS
OUT OF THINGS THAT DON'T WARRANT
THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING BIG DEALS
OUT OF THINGS THAT DON'T WARRANT
IT.
OUT OF THINGS THAT DON'T WARRANT
IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A
IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A
BAD-LOOKING MAN.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A
BAD-LOOKING MAN.
AH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
BAD-LOOKING MAN.
AH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
I'VE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.
AH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
I'VE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.
I KNOW I'M ALL ILL-DEFINED AND
I'VE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.
I KNOW I'M ALL ILL-DEFINED AND
BLURRY.
I KNOW I'M ALL ILL-DEFINED AND
BLURRY.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
BLURRY.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
SEEING AN EYE DOCTOR?
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
SEEING AN EYE DOCTOR?
EYE DOCTOR?
SEEING AN EYE DOCTOR?
EYE DOCTOR?
YEAH.
EYE DOCTOR?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, TO CHECK YOUR EYES AND
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, TO CHECK YOUR EYES AND
PRESCRIBE GLASSES?
YOU KNOW, TO CHECK YOUR EYES AND
PRESCRIBE GLASSES?
GLASSES?
PRESCRIBE GLASSES?
GLASSES?
YEAH.
GLASSES?
YEAH.
LIKE THESE THAT I'M WEARING.
YEAH.
LIKE THESE THAT I'M WEARING.
I MEAN, WITHOUT THESE,
LIKE THESE THAT I'M WEARING.
I MEAN, WITHOUT THESE,
EVERYTHING IS BLURRY.
I MEAN, WITHOUT THESE,
EVERYTHING IS BLURRY.
BUT WITH THEM, EVERYTHING'S IN
EVERYTHING IS BLURRY.
BUT WITH THEM, EVERYTHING'S IN
FOCUS.
BUT WITH THEM, EVERYTHING'S IN
FOCUS.
ARE YOU PULLING MY LEG?
FOCUS.
ARE YOU PULLING MY LEG?
NO.
ARE YOU PULLING MY LEG?
NO.
HERE, HERE.
NO.
HERE, HERE.
JUST TRY THEM ON.
HERE, HERE.
JUST TRY THEM ON.
THERE.
JUST TRY THEM ON.
THERE.
EVERYTHING'S BLURRIER,
THERE.
EVERYTHING'S BLURRIER,
FUZZIER, EVEN MORE ILL-DEFINED!
EVERYTHING'S BLURRIER,
FUZZIER, EVEN MORE ILL-DEFINED!
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEED
FUZZIER, EVEN MORE ILL-DEFINED!
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEED
A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEED
A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT!
A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT!
I THINK YOU'RE JUST PUTTING ME
I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT!
I THINK YOU'RE JUST PUTTING ME
ON ABOUT THESE... THESE GLASSES
I THINK YOU'RE JUST PUTTING ME
ON ABOUT THESE... THESE GLASSES
THINGS.
ON ABOUT THESE... THESE GLASSES
THINGS.
HERE.
THINGS.
HERE.
NO, I'M NOT.
HERE.
NO, I'M NOT.
AND I WAS GETTING TO LIKE
NO, I'M NOT.
AND I WAS GETTING TO LIKE
YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
AND I WAS GETTING TO LIKE
YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
FUZZY-LOOKING.
YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
FUZZY-LOOKING.
I'M GONNA SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
FUZZY-LOOKING.
I'M GONNA SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
WELL, I WAS ONLY TRYING TO
I'M GONNA SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
WELL, I WAS ONLY TRYING TO
HELP YOU WITH...
WELL, I WAS ONLY TRYING TO
HELP YOU WITH...
AH, IT'S NO USE.
HELP YOU WITH...
AH, IT'S NO USE.
IT'S NO USE.
AH, IT'S NO USE.
IT'S NO USE.
ONCE SOMEBODY LIES TO ME, I
IT'S NO USE.
ONCE SOMEBODY LIES TO ME, I
CAN'T TRUST THEM AGAIN.
ONCE SOMEBODY LIES TO ME, I
CAN'T TRUST THEM AGAIN.
HEH!
CAN'T TRUST THEM AGAIN.
HEH!
EXCUSE ME.
HEH!
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YEAH.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YEAH.
OH.
YEAH.
OH.
PARDON ME.
OH.
PARDON ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
PARDON ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YES.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YES.
EXCUSE ME.
YES.
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
NO.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
NO.
GOOD.
NO.
GOOD.
[SIGHS]
GOOD.
[SIGHS]
KIND OF A DISAPPOINTING TRIP,
[SIGHS]
KIND OF A DISAPPOINTING TRIP,
HUH?
♪ DA-DA-DUM ♪
♪ UP, UP, AND AWAY IN MY
BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL
♪ UP, UP, AND AWAY IN MY
BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL
BALLOON ♪
BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL
BALLOON ♪
♪ BALLO-O-O-O-ON ♪
BALLOON ♪
♪ BALLO-O-O-O-ON ♪
JANE NASH, LADIES AND
♪ BALLO-O-O-O-ON ♪
JANE NASH, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
JANE NASH, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
GENTLEMEN.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
ISN'T SHE TERRIFIC?
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
ISN'T SHE TERRIFIC?
NOW THAT YOU'VE MET HER... SHE'S
ISN'T SHE TERRIFIC?
NOW THAT YOU'VE MET HER... SHE'S
MY BETTER HALF.
NOW THAT YOU'VE MET HER... SHE'S
MY BETTER HALF.
STOP.
MY BETTER HALF.
STOP.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
STOP.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M RICHARD HERKIMAN, AND I'D
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M RICHARD HERKIMAN, AND I'D
LIKE TO SEE IF WE CAN'T GET MY
I'M RICHARD HERKIMAN, AND I'D
LIKE TO SEE IF WE CAN'T GET MY
WIFE, JANE NASH, TO DO ONE MORE
LIKE TO SEE IF WE CAN'T GET MY
WIFE, JANE NASH, TO DO ONE MORE
NUMBER.
WIFE, JANE NASH, TO DO ONE MORE
NUMBER.
HOW ABOUT IT, JANE?
NUMBER.
HOW ABOUT IT, JANE?
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
HOW ABOUT IT, JANE?
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I'M TAKING A SHOWER.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I'M TAKING A SHOWER.
AH, COME ON.
I'M TAKING A SHOWER.
AH, COME ON.
I THINK YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
AH, COME ON.
I THINK YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
I THINK YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
♪ OUR LOVE WILL KEEP US
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
♪ OUR LOVE WILL KEEP US
TOGETHER ♪
♪ OUR LOVE WILL KEEP US
TOGETHER ♪
THANK YOU!
TOGETHER ♪
THANK YOU!
[HUMMING]
THANK YOU!
[HUMMING]
♪ THINK OF ME, BABY,
[HUMMING]
♪ THINK OF ME, BABY,
WHENEVER ♪
♪ THINK OF ME, BABY,
WHENEVER ♪
TAKE IT, JANE. COME ON.
WHENEVER ♪
TAKE IT, JANE. COME ON.
NO, I'M NOT.
TAKE IT, JANE. COME ON.
NO, I'M NOT.
♪ SOME SWEET-TALKING GUY
NO, I'M NOT.
♪ SOME SWEET-TALKING GUY
COMES ALONG ♪
♪ SOME SWEET-TALKING GUY
COMES ALONG ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STAY
COMES ALONG ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STAY
STRONG ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STAY
STRONG ♪
♪ JUST STOP ♪
STRONG ♪
♪ JUST STOP ♪
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
♪ JUST STOP ♪
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
♪ 'CAUSE I REALLY LOVE
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
♪ 'CAUSE I REALLY LOVE
YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I REALLY LOVE
YOU ♪
♪ STOP ♪
YOU ♪
♪ STOP ♪
STOP IT!
♪ STOP ♪
STOP IT!
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
STOP IT!
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
A VERY FUNNY GUY, AS A MATTER OF
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
A VERY FUNNY GUY, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
A VERY FUNNY GUY, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
HE JUST STOPPED BY ON HIS WAY TO
FACT.
HE JUST STOPPED BY ON HIS WAY TO
THE TRAIN... THE FUNNIEST GUY IN
HE JUST STOPPED BY ON HIS WAY TO
THE TRAIN... THE FUNNIEST GUY IN
THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AS A MATTER OF
THE TRAIN... THE FUNNIEST GUY IN
THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
OUR FRIEND, OUR NEXT-DOOR
FACT.
OUR FRIEND, OUR NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR, MORTY COONY.
OUR FRIEND, OUR NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR, MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN HERE, MORTY.
NEIGHBOR, MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN HERE, MORTY.
[SCREAMS]
COME ON IN HERE, MORTY.
[SCREAMS]
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
[SCREAMS]
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
HELLO, JANE.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
HELLO, JANE.
HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, JANE.
HOW ARE YOU?
MORTY, WHAT DID YOU DO?
HOW ARE YOU?
MORTY, WHAT DID YOU DO?
GOOD MORNING.
MORTY, WHAT DID YOU DO?
GOOD MORNING.
YOU FOLKS AT HOME DON'T
GOOD MORNING.
YOU FOLKS AT HOME DON'T
KNOW THIS, BUT MORTY'S WIFE
YOU FOLKS AT HOME DON'T
KNOW THIS, BUT MORTY'S WIFE
THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE A
KNOW THIS, BUT MORTY'S WIFE
THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE A
WEEK AGO.
THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE A
WEEK AGO.
HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND OUR
WEEK AGO.
HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND OUR
PLACE EVER SINCE, TELLING HIS
HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND OUR
PLACE EVER SINCE, TELLING HIS
JOKES.
PLACE EVER SINCE, TELLING HIS
JOKES.
HE'D LOVE TO TELL YOU A FEW.
JOKES.
HE'D LOVE TO TELL YOU A FEW.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THEM
HE'D LOVE TO TELL YOU A FEW.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THEM
BEFORE, BUT REMEMBER, IT'S MORTY
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THEM
BEFORE, BUT REMEMBER, IT'S MORTY
SAYING THEM.
BEFORE, BUT REMEMBER, IT'S MORTY
SAYING THEM.
OKAY?
SAYING THEM.
OKAY?
LET'S HEAR IT FOR MORTY COONY.
OKAY?
LET'S HEAR IT FOR MORTY COONY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I... I NOTICED
LET'S HEAR IT FOR MORTY COONY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I... I NOTICED
ON THE WAY OVER HERE THAT
YOU KNOW WHAT I... I NOTICED
ON THE WAY OVER HERE THAT
IRV CROSS ACROSS THE STREET WAS
ON THE WAY OVER HERE THAT
IRV CROSS ACROSS THE STREET WAS
HAVING A GARAGE SALE.
IRV CROSS ACROSS THE STREET WAS
HAVING A GARAGE SALE.
DID YOU GO OVER AND BUY
HAVING A GARAGE SALE.
DID YOU GO OVER AND BUY
ANYTHING?
DID YOU GO OVER AND BUY
ANYTHING?
WHY SHOULD I?
ANYTHING?
WHY SHOULD I?
I ALREADY HAVE A GARAGE.
WHY SHOULD I?
I ALREADY HAVE A GARAGE.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I ALREADY HAVE A GARAGE.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I TOLD YOU... THAT IS
[BOTH LAUGH]
I TOLD YOU... THAT IS
HYSTERICAL.
I TOLD YOU... THAT IS
HYSTERICAL.
GARAGES... GARAGES ARE FUNNY.
HYSTERICAL.
GARAGES... GARAGES ARE FUNNY.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE IS SO MESSY,
GARAGES... GARAGES ARE FUNNY.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE IS SO MESSY,
THE OTHER DAY I WAS RUMMAGING
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE IS SO MESSY,
THE OTHER DAY I WAS RUMMAGING
AROUND THERE... I FOUND MY OLD
THE OTHER DAY I WAS RUMMAGING
AROUND THERE... I FOUND MY OLD
CAR.
AROUND THERE... I FOUND MY OLD
CAR.
[LAUGHTER]
CAR.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, MORTY!
[LAUGHTER]
OH, MORTY!
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
OH, MORTY!
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE ROOF IS
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE ROOF IS
LEAKING.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE ROOF IS
LEAKING.
SO THE ROOF HAD TO BE TARRED,
LEAKING.
SO THE ROOF HAD TO BE TARRED,
YOU KNOW?
SO THE ROOF HAD TO BE TARRED,
YOU KNOW?
I TOLD MY KID I'D GIVE HIM 30
YOU KNOW?
I TOLD MY KID I'D GIVE HIM 30
BUCKS TO PUT THE TAR ON THE
I TOLD MY KID I'D GIVE HIM 30
BUCKS TO PUT THE TAR ON THE
ROOF.
BUCKS TO PUT THE TAR ON THE
ROOF.
I COME HOME, AND THE JERK PUTS
ROOF.
I COME HOME, AND THE JERK PUTS
THE TA... CAR ON THE ROOF.
I COME HOME, AND THE JERK PUTS
THE TA... CAR ON THE ROOF.
[LAUGHTER]
THE TA... CAR ON THE ROOF.
[LAUGHTER]
THE CAR ON THE ROOF!
[LAUGHTER]
THE CAR ON THE ROOF!
OH, THANK YOU.
THE CAR ON THE ROOF!
OH, THANK YOU.
AM I KIDDING ABOUT THIS?
OH, THANK YOU.
AM I KIDDING ABOUT THIS?
GARAGES, WHAT ELSE?
AM I KIDDING ABOUT THIS?
GARAGES, WHAT ELSE?
GARAGES ARE SOMETHING.
GARAGES, WHAT ELSE?
GARAGES ARE SOMETHING.
AM I KIDDING?
GARAGES ARE SOMETHING.
AM I KIDDING?
HE'S FANTASTIC.
AM I KIDDING?
HE'S FANTASTIC.
HE'S FUNNY 24 HOURS A DAY.
HE'S FANTASTIC.
HE'S FUNNY 24 HOURS A DAY.
THAT'S A BIG COMPLIMENT, AND
HE'S FUNNY 24 HOURS A DAY.
THAT'S A BIG COMPLIMENT, AND
THE GARAGE JOKES... FUNNY
THAT'S A BIG COMPLIMENT, AND
THE GARAGE JOKES... FUNNY
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN LIVING IN OUR
THE GARAGE JOKES... FUNNY
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN LIVING IN OUR
GARAGE FOR THE LAST WEEK.
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN LIVING IN OUR
GARAGE FOR THE LAST WEEK.
IS THAT WHERE THAT CAME FROM?
GARAGE FOR THE LAST WEEK.
IS THAT WHERE THAT CAME FROM?
I GUESS COMEDY WORKS THAT WAY.
IS THAT WHERE THAT CAME FROM?
I GUESS COMEDY WORKS THAT WAY.
IT'S A STRANGE COMBINATION OF
I GUESS COMEDY WORKS THAT WAY.
IT'S A STRANGE COMBINATION OF
PAIN AND ENVIRONMENT.
IT'S A STRANGE COMBINATION OF
PAIN AND ENVIRONMENT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
PAIN AND ENVIRONMENT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
RICHARD, YOU'RE CERTAINLY
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
RICHARD, YOU'RE CERTAINLY
VERY CRUEL IN THE SHOWER.
RICHARD, YOU'RE CERTAINLY
VERY CRUEL IN THE SHOWER.
NOW, WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET
VERY CRUEL IN THE SHOWER.
NOW, WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET
ALL ABOUT IT, AND WHY DON'T I
NOW, WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET
ALL ABOUT IT, AND WHY DON'T I
MAKE YOU BREAKFAST, MORTY?
ALL ABOUT IT, AND WHY DON'T I
MAKE YOU BREAKFAST, MORTY?
JUST A MOMENT, JANE.
MAKE YOU BREAKFAST, MORTY?
JUST A MOMENT, JANE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR
JUST A MOMENT, JANE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR
MIND ABOUT MY BEING CRUEL AND
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR
MIND ABOUT MY BEING CRUEL AND
ABOUT FIXING MORTY'S BREAKFAST
MIND ABOUT MY BEING CRUEL AND
ABOUT FIXING MORTY'S BREAKFAST
WHEN I TELL YOU... AND MORTY
ABOUT FIXING MORTY'S BREAKFAST
WHEN I TELL YOU... AND MORTY
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS... THAT
WHEN I TELL YOU... AND MORTY
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS... THAT
BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS... THAT
BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS
SOMEBODY WHO I THINK HAS
BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS
SOMEBODY WHO I THINK HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY TO MORTY.
SOMEBODY WHO I THINK HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY TO MORTY.
LET ME INTRODUCE A FRIEND AND A
SOMETHING TO SAY TO MORTY.
LET ME INTRODUCE A FRIEND AND A
NEIGHBOR... MRS. MORTY COONY.
LET ME INTRODUCE A FRIEND AND A
NEIGHBOR... MRS. MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN.
NEIGHBOR... MRS. MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
COME ON IN.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
THANK YOU, JANE.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
THANK YOU, JANE.
MORTY, I'VE COME TO ASK YOU TO
THANK YOU, JANE.
MORTY, I'VE COME TO ASK YOU TO
LEAVE THE HERKIMAN'S GARAGE AND
MORTY, I'VE COME TO ASK YOU TO
LEAVE THE HERKIMAN'S GARAGE AND
COME ON HOME.
LEAVE THE HERKIMAN'S GARAGE AND
COME ON HOME.
WE MISS YOU.
COME ON HOME.
WE MISS YOU.
REALLY?
WE MISS YOU.
REALLY?
AHH, JUDY.
REALLY?
AHH, JUDY.
AWW, RICHARD.
AHH, JUDY.
AWW, RICHARD.
[LAUGHS]
AWW, RICHARD.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, SOMEBODY BETTER FIX
[LAUGHS]
WELL, SOMEBODY BETTER FIX
BREAKFAST!
WELL, SOMEBODY BETTER FIX
BREAKFAST!
MORTY AND I HAVE TO CATCH
BREAKFAST!
MORTY AND I HAVE TO CATCH
THAT OLD 8:05.
MORTY AND I HAVE TO CATCH
THAT OLD 8:05.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND
THAT OLD 8:05.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND
GO TO WORK.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND
GO TO WORK.
SO JUST REMEMBER TO...
GO TO WORK.
SO JUST REMEMBER TO...
♪ LOOK IN YOUR HEART AND... ♪
SO JUST REMEMBER TO...
♪ LOOK IN YOUR HEART AND... ♪
All: ♪ LET LOVE
♪ LOOK IN YOUR HEART AND... ♪
All: ♪ LET LOVE
KEEP US TOGETHER ♪
YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE THIS,
BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
EVER DONE THIS IN A MOTEL.
BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
EVER DONE THIS IN A MOTEL.
I MEAN, I JUST SPLIT WITH MY OLD
EVER DONE THIS IN A MOTEL.
I MEAN, I JUST SPLIT WITH MY OLD
MAN, AND WE WERE REALLY TIGHT.
I MEAN, I JUST SPLIT WITH MY OLD
MAN, AND WE WERE REALLY TIGHT.
THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE TONIGHT
MAN, AND WE WERE REALLY TIGHT.
THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE TONIGHT
IS THAT I THINK YOU'RE REALLY...
THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE TONIGHT
IS THAT I THINK YOU'RE REALLY...
SPECIAL.
IS THAT I THINK YOU'RE REALLY...
SPECIAL.
SPECIAL?
OH!
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE
FROM FRANCE BEFORE.
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE
FROM FRANCE BEFORE.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE
FROM FRANCE BEFORE.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE
THINGS AGAIN?
HEY, WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE
THINGS AGAIN?
SENSO RINGS.
THINGS AGAIN?
SENSO RINGS.
SENSO RINGS.
SENSO RINGS.
SENSO RINGS.
YEAH, WOW!
SENSO RINGS.
YEAH, WOW!
WELL, ANYWAY, THEY MADE IT
YEAH, WOW!
WELL, ANYWAY, THEY MADE IT
REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, ANYWAY, THEY MADE IT
REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
I MEAN, REALLY DIFFERENT.
REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
I MEAN, REALLY DIFFERENT.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BELDAR?
I MEAN, REALLY DIFFERENT.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BELDAR?
ARE YOU SPLITTING ON ME OR WHAT?
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BELDAR?
ARE YOU SPLITTING ON ME OR WHAT?
PRYMAAT MUST NOT DISCOVER
ARE YOU SPLITTING ON ME OR WHAT?
PRYMAAT MUST NOT DISCOVER
THAT A HUMAN HAS ADMINISTERED
PRYMAAT MUST NOT DISCOVER
THAT A HUMAN HAS ADMINISTERED
THE SENSO RINGS.
THAT A HUMAN HAS ADMINISTERED
THE SENSO RINGS.
OH, PRYMAAT.
THE SENSO RINGS.
OH, PRYMAAT.
I BET THAT'S YOUR OLD LADY, HUH?
OH, PRYMAAT.
I BET THAT'S YOUR OLD LADY, HUH?
CORRECT.
I BET THAT'S YOUR OLD LADY, HUH?
CORRECT.
SHE IS MY SPOUSAL UNIT, CHOSEN
CORRECT.
SHE IS MY SPOUSAL UNIT, CHOSEN
BY THE LARTHRON SPHERES OF
SHE IS MY SPOUSAL UNIT, CHOSEN
BY THE LARTHRON SPHERES OF
MYPZOR.
BY THE LARTHRON SPHERES OF
MYPZOR.
YEAH, YEAH.
MYPZOR.
YEAH, YEAH.
I HAD A HEAVY THING HAPPENING
YEAH, YEAH.
I HAD A HEAVY THING HAPPENING
WITH MY OLD MAN, TOO.
I HAD A HEAVY THING HAPPENING
WITH MY OLD MAN, TOO.
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE WON'T SEE
WITH MY OLD MAN, TOO.
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE WON'T SEE
EACH OTHER TILL OUR NEXT DRIVING
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE WON'T SEE
EACH OTHER TILL OUR NEXT DRIVING
LESSON, HUH?
EACH OTHER TILL OUR NEXT DRIVING
LESSON, HUH?
CORRECT.
LESSON, HUH?
CORRECT.
COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP
CORRECT.
COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP
SOME OLD STORY FOR YOUR OLD
COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP
SOME OLD STORY FOR YOUR OLD
LADY, YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD
SOME OLD STORY FOR YOUR OLD
LADY, YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER?
LADY, YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER?
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER?
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG
RISK.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG
RISK.
NO, FOOLISH ONE!
RISK.
NO, FOOLISH ONE!
PRYMAAT AND I ARE THE
NO, FOOLISH ONE!
PRYMAAT AND I ARE THE
TIMEKEEPERS OF REMULAC.
PRYMAAT AND I ARE THE
TIMEKEEPERS OF REMULAC.
WE MUST FULFILL OUR MISSION TO
TIMEKEEPERS OF REMULAC.
WE MUST FULFILL OUR MISSION TO
SEIZE AND ESTABLISH YOUR
WE MUST FULFILL OUR MISSION TO
SEIZE AND ESTABLISH YOUR
MISERABLE LITTLE PLANET AS A
SEIZE AND ESTABLISH YOUR
MISERABLE LITTLE PLANET AS A
MINOR REFUELING STATION FOR THE
MISERABLE LITTLE PLANET AS A
MINOR REFUELING STATION FOR THE
HIGH MASTER'S STAR CRUISERS.
MINOR REFUELING STATION FOR THE
HIGH MASTER'S STAR CRUISERS.
BESIDES, IF SHE FOUND OUT, SHE'D
HIGH MASTER'S STAR CRUISERS.
BESIDES, IF SHE FOUND OUT, SHE'D
KILL ME.
BESIDES, IF SHE FOUND OUT, SHE'D
KILL ME.
OKAY, BELDAR.
KILL ME.
OKAY, BELDAR.
THAT'S COOL.
OKAY, BELDAR.
THAT'S COOL.
AT LEAST LET ME SLIP YOU ONE
THAT'S COOL.
AT LEAST LET ME SLIP YOU ONE
BEFORE YOU GO.
AT LEAST LET ME SLIP YOU ONE
BEFORE YOU GO.
[GRUNTS]
BEFORE YOU GO.
[GRUNTS]
[MOANS]
MOMMY, I WISH TO CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES IMMEDIATELY.
MY HUMAN FRIEND WILL BE HERE TO
QUANTITIES IMMEDIATELY.
MY HUMAN FRIEND WILL BE HERE TO
TAKE ME TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE.
MY HUMAN FRIEND WILL BE HERE TO
TAKE ME TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE.
DRIVE-IN MOVIE?
TAKE ME TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE.
DRIVE-IN MOVIE?
DRIVE-IN MOVIE... A
DRIVE-IN MOVIE?
DRIVE-IN MOVIE... A
TWO-DIMENSIONAL NIGHT PROJECTION
DRIVE-IN MOVIE... A
TWO-DIMENSIONAL NIGHT PROJECTION
OF PSYCHOSEXUAL RELEASE THEMES
TWO-DIMENSIONAL NIGHT PROJECTION
OF PSYCHOSEXUAL RELEASE THEMES
VIEWED FROM INSIDE INTERNAL
OF PSYCHOSEXUAL RELEASE THEMES
VIEWED FROM INSIDE INTERNAL
COMBUSTION VEHICLES.
VIEWED FROM INSIDE INTERNAL
COMBUSTION VEHICLES.
AH!
COMBUSTION VEHICLES.
AH!
I REMEMBER WHEN BELDAR WOULD
AH!
I REMEMBER WHEN BELDAR WOULD
TAKE ME TO VIEW IGNODRAY
I REMEMBER WHEN BELDAR WOULD
TAKE ME TO VIEW IGNODRAY
FORMATIONS UNDER THE AZIDE POOLS
TAKE ME TO VIEW IGNODRAY
FORMATIONS UNDER THE AZIDE POOLS
ON REMULAC.
FORMATIONS UNDER THE AZIDE POOLS
ON REMULAC.
YES, YES. I KNOW.
ON REMULAC.
YES, YES. I KNOW.
YOU'VE SHOWN ME YOUR MEMORY
YES, YES. I KNOW.
YOU'VE SHOWN ME YOUR MEMORY
CRYSTAL.
YOU'VE SHOWN ME YOUR MEMORY
CRYSTAL.
I MUST GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND
CRYSTAL.
I MUST GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND
PREPARE MY CONE FOR MY DATE.
HELLO, HONEY.
I'M HOME.
WHAT'S FOR MASS CONSUMPTION?
WHAT'S THIS?
CAN'T YOU EVEN TOUCH CONES WHEN
WHAT'S THIS?
CAN'T YOU EVEN TOUCH CONES WHEN
YOU COME HOME NOW?
CAN'T YOU EVEN TOUCH CONES WHEN
YOU COME HOME NOW?
SORRY.
YOU COME HOME NOW?
SORRY.
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
THE PREDESIGNATED TIME
COORDINATE FOR THE EVENING MASS
CONSUMPTION HAS LONG SINCE
PASSED.
PLEASE COMMUNICATE THE REASON
FOR YOUR DELAY.
A LARGE METEORITE FELL FROM
THE SKY.
I STOPPED TO EXAMINE IT.
YES, THAT'S IT.
A LARGE METEORITE.
THAT'S THE THIRD METEORITE
THIS MONTH.
BELDAR!
THE SENSO RINGS!
YOU HAVE REMOVED THEM FROM OUR
SLEEP CHAMBER!
UNACCEPTABLE!
NO!
THERE ARE RED MARKINGS ON
YOUR CONE!
UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE!
YOU HAVE BEEN WITH A HUMAN!
MIPS! MIPS!
HUMAN?
SENSO RINGS?
MIPS! MIPS!
SILENCE!
OUR YOUNG ONE APPROACHES.
SHE MUST NOT KNOW.
HI, DADDY.
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
LET US CONSUME MASS
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
LET US CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE
LET US CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE
MEAL.
QUANTITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE
MEAL.
I HAVE PREPARED BUFFET-STYLE.
MEAL.
I HAVE PREPARED BUFFET-STYLE.
AH!
I HAVE PREPARED BUFFET-STYLE.
AH!
INSECT-REPELLANT STRIPS AND
AH!
INSECT-REPELLANT STRIPS AND
FIBERGLASS INSULATION.
PASS THE FIBERGLASS.
MIPS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BITE MY
MIPS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BITE MY
CONE OFF!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BITE MY
CONE OFF!
HEAVY VIBES TONIGHT.
CONE OFF!
HEAVY VIBES TONIGHT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HEAVY VIBES TONIGHT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT IS MY HUMAN DATE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT IS MY HUMAN DATE.
I AM GLAD HE HAS ARRIVED.
HI, RONNIE.
YOU HAVE MET MY PARENTAL UNITS.
HI, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD.
YOU HAVE MET MY PARENTAL UNITS.
HI, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD.
WE MET BEFORE.
HI, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD.
WE MET BEFORE.
COME ON, I'M RONNIE GETSETTER.
WE MET BEFORE.
COME ON, I'M RONNIE GETSETTER.
GREETINGS.
COME ON, I'M RONNIE GETSETTER.
GREETINGS.
WE INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS
GREETINGS.
WE INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES.
WE INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES.
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
QUANTITIES.
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
PETROLEUM INSECT STRIPS,
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
PETROLEUM INSECT STRIPS,
FIBERGLASS INSULATION, AND BEER.
PETROLEUM INSECT STRIPS,
FIBERGLASS INSULATION, AND BEER.
I JUST ATE BEFORE I CAME
FIBERGLASS INSULATION, AND BEER.
I JUST ATE BEFORE I CAME
OVER, THANKS.
I JUST ATE BEFORE I CAME
OVER, THANKS.
BUT I WILL HAVE SOME OF THIS
OVER, THANKS.
BUT I WILL HAVE SOME OF THIS
BEER IF YOU DON'T MIND.
BUT I WILL HAVE SOME OF THIS
BEER IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES...
BEER IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES...
FINALLY GONNA SEE
WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES...
FINALLY GONNA SEE
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS."
FINALLY GONNA SEE
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS."
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"?
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS."
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"?
YEAH, IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"?
YEAH, IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT
UFOs.
YEAH, IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT
UFOs.
UFOs?
UFOs.
UFOs?
[CONEHEADS LAUGH]
UFOs?
[CONEHEADS LAUGH]
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, PARENTAL
[CONEHEADS LAUGH]
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, PARENTAL
UNITS.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, PARENTAL
UNITS.
SEE YOU.
UNITS.
SEE YOU.
THANKS FOR THE BREWSKI.
BELDAR, I UNDERSTAND PHYSICAL
URGES.
BUT OF ALL CREATURES, WHY A
HUMAN?
HOW COULD YOU?
I DON'T KNOW, PRYMAAT.
SOMETIMES, MY CONE HAS A MIND OF
ITS OWN.
AND I BEHAVE LIKE A COMMON
FLATRAC.
MIPS. MIPS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
GREETINGS.
PRYMAAT?
I WILL SUMMON HER.
PRYMAAT.
GREETINGS.
JERRY!
JERRY?
I INSTRUCTED YOU NEVER TO
CALL ME HERE.
MIPS! MIPS!
MIPS! JERRY! MIPS!
YOU ALSO HAVE BEEN WITH A HUMAN.
MIPS!
PRYMAAT, WE MUST RESIST THESE
HUMANS.
YES, I AGREE.
WE MUST REMEMBER HUMANS ARE
INFERIOR BEINGS.
THEY MUST NOT BE PERMITTED TO
INTERFERE WITH OUR MISSION.
CORRECT.
LET US SOLIDIFY OUR MATING.
BESIDES, NO ONE GIVES CONE LIKE
YOU.
OH, BELDAR.
I HAVEN'T HEARD YOU TALK THAT
WAY SINCE THE MOONS OF MYPZOR.
LET'S HONE OUR CONES RIGHT HERE
ON THE FLOOR.
I AGREE.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN, AND WELCOME TO
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," THE SHOW
I'M JANE CURTIN, AND WELCOME TO
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," THE SHOW
WHERE CELEBRITY GUESTS REVEAL
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," THE SHOW
WHERE CELEBRITY GUESTS REVEAL
THEIR MOST INTIMATE PROBLEMS IN
WHERE CELEBRITY GUESTS REVEAL
THEIR MOST INTIMATE PROBLEMS IN
FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH
THEIR MOST INTIMATE PROBLEMS IN
FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH
THE HOPE THAT OTHER CELEBRITIES
FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH
THE HOPE THAT OTHER CELEBRITIES
WILL BENEFIT AND NOT RUIN THEIR
THE HOPE THAT OTHER CELEBRITIES
WILL BENEFIT AND NOT RUIN THEIR
LIVES.
WILL BENEFIT AND NOT RUIN THEIR
LIVES.
ON MY FAR RIGHT WE HAVE
LIVES.
ON MY FAR RIGHT WE HAVE
TONY ORLANDO, A RECENTLY
ON MY FAR RIGHT WE HAVE
TONY ORLANDO, A RECENTLY
DIAGNOSED MANIC-DEPRESSIVE WHO'S
TONY ORLANDO, A RECENTLY
DIAGNOSED MANIC-DEPRESSIVE WHO'S
IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A
DIAGNOSED MANIC-DEPRESSIVE WHO'S
IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A
COMEBACK AFTER FIVE LONG, LONELY
IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A
COMEBACK AFTER FIVE LONG, LONELY
WEEKS OF SEMIRETIREMENT.
COMEBACK AFTER FIVE LONG, LONELY
WEEKS OF SEMIRETIREMENT.
ROBERT BLAKE, A CHILD ACTOR IN
WEEKS OF SEMIRETIREMENT.
ROBERT BLAKE, A CHILD ACTOR IN
THE OLD "OUR GANG" COMEDIES AND,
ROBERT BLAKE, A CHILD ACTOR IN
THE OLD "OUR GANG" COMEDIES AND,
MOST RECENTLY, THE VERY
THE OLD "OUR GANG" COMEDIES AND,
MOST RECENTLY, THE VERY
SUCCESSFUL STAR OF "BARETTA."
MOST RECENTLY, THE VERY
SUCCESSFUL STAR OF "BARETTA."
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M LOONY,
SUCCESSFUL STAR OF "BARETTA."
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M LOONY,
AND THAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M LOONY,
AND THAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
TUNE.
AND THAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
TUNE.
WE ALSO HAVE WITH US
TUNE.
WE ALSO HAVE WITH US
CLAUDINE LONGET, A FORMER
WE ALSO HAVE WITH US
CLAUDINE LONGET, A FORMER
SINGER, FORMER WIFE OF A CURRENT
CLAUDINE LONGET, A FORMER
SINGER, FORMER WIFE OF A CURRENT
SINGER, AND FORMER GIRLFRIEND OF
SINGER, FORMER WIFE OF A CURRENT
SINGER, AND FORMER GIRLFRIEND OF
A LATE SKIER.
SINGER, AND FORMER GIRLFRIEND OF
A LATE SKIER.
WELCOME, CLAUDINE.
A LATE SKIER.
WELCOME, CLAUDINE.
[French accent] IT'S SO
WELCOME, CLAUDINE.
[French accent] IT'S SO
VERY NICE TO BE HERE.
[French accent] IT'S SO
VERY NICE TO BE HERE.
AND RICHARD PRYOR, A
VERY NICE TO BE HERE.
AND RICHARD PRYOR, A
BRILLIANT COMEDIAN, WHO, AT THE
AND RICHARD PRYOR, A
BRILLIANT COMEDIAN, WHO, AT THE
AGE OF 37, HAS HAD 5 WIVES AND
BRILLIANT COMEDIAN, WHO, AT THE
AGE OF 37, HAS HAD 5 WIVES AND
2 HEART ATTACKS.
AGE OF 37, HAS HAD 5 WIVES AND
2 HEART ATTACKS.
YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT
2 HEART ATTACKS.
YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT
ANY MORE OF EITHER.
YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT
ANY MORE OF EITHER.
TONY, EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW
ANY MORE OF EITHER.
TONY, EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW
HARD YOU TOOK THE DEATHS OF
TONY, EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW
HARD YOU TOOK THE DEATHS OF
FREDDIE PRINZE AND ELVIS PRESLEY
HARD YOU TOOK THE DEATHS OF
FREDDIE PRINZE AND ELVIS PRESLEY
AND BOBBY DARIN AND SAL MINEO
FREDDIE PRINZE AND ELVIS PRESLEY
AND BOBBY DARIN AND SAL MINEO
AND...
AND BOBBY DARIN AND SAL MINEO
AND...
BING CROSBY.
AND...
BING CROSBY.
YEAH, AND...
BING CROSBY.
YEAH, AND...
ZERO MOSTEL.
YEAH, AND...
ZERO MOSTEL.
UH-HUH.
ZERO MOSTEL.
UH-HUH.
JOHN DAVIDSON'S ARRANGER.
UH-HUH.
JOHN DAVIDSON'S ARRANGER.
BUT WHAT'S REALLY A SHOCK WAS MY
JOHN DAVIDSON'S ARRANGER.
BUT WHAT'S REALLY A SHOCK WAS MY
MOST RECENT PERSONAL TRAGEDIES,
BUT WHAT'S REALLY A SHOCK WAS MY
MOST RECENT PERSONAL TRAGEDIES,
JANE.
MOST RECENT PERSONAL TRAGEDIES,
JANE.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
JANE.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
THAT'S RIGHT.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
THAT'S RIGHT.
FIRST HIS DEATH, AND NOW THE
THAT'S RIGHT.
FIRST HIS DEATH, AND NOW THE
THEFT.
FIRST HIS DEATH, AND NOW THE
THEFT.
HIS DEATH WAS A TRAGEDY TO
THEFT.
HIS DEATH WAS A TRAGEDY TO
ALL OF US, TONY.
YEAH, BUT HE WAS MY NEW BEST
FRIEND, PRACTICALLY.
HE DIED IN MY ARMS ALMOST.
I ALMOST SAID TO HIM, "HEY,
LITTLE TRAMP, DON'T DIE ON ME.
IT'S ORLANDO."
LITTLE TRAMP, DON'T DIE ON ME.
IT'S ORLANDO."
I'M VERY SORRY.
IT'S ORLANDO."
I'M VERY SORRY.
I'LL NEVER FORGER WHAT HE
I'M VERY SORRY.
I'LL NEVER FORGER WHAT HE
SAID TO ME.
I'LL NEVER FORGER WHAT HE
SAID TO ME.
MY GOD, WHEN I THINK OF THIS.
SAID TO ME.
MY GOD, WHEN I THINK OF THIS.
YOU MEAN HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA
MY GOD, WHEN I THINK OF THIS.
YOU MEAN HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA
DIE?
YOU MEAN HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA
DIE?
YEAH, HE KNEW.
DIE?
YEAH, HE KNEW.
HEAVY.
YEAH, HE KNEW.
HEAVY.
HE EVEN TOLD ME THE
HEAVY.
HE EVEN TOLD ME THE
PALLBEARERS HE WANTED.
HE EVEN TOLD ME THE
PALLBEARERS HE WANTED.
HE WANTED JIMMY STEWART,
PALLBEARERS HE WANTED.
HE WANTED JIMMY STEWART,
JIM MITCHUM, JIM BROWN,
HE WANTED JIMMY STEWART,
JIM MITCHUM, JIM BROWN,
JIM PIERSALL, JIM WEBB,
JIM MITCHUM, JIM BROWN,
JIM PIERSALL, JIM WEBB,
JACK WEBB, JACK JONES, AND ME.
JIM PIERSALL, JIM WEBB,
JACK WEBB, JACK JONES, AND ME.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW CHAPLIN.
JACK WEBB, JACK JONES, AND ME.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW CHAPLIN.
WHEN I WAS IN THE
YOU KNOW, I KNEW CHAPLIN.
WHEN I WAS IN THE
"LITTLE RASCALS," WE USED TO EAT
WHEN I WAS IN THE
"LITTLE RASCALS," WE USED TO EAT
LUNCH IN THE COMMISSARY, AND
"LITTLE RASCALS," WE USED TO EAT
LUNCH IN THE COMMISSARY, AND
MR. CHAPLIN WOULD COME BY.
LUNCH IN THE COMMISSARY, AND
MR. CHAPLIN WOULD COME BY.
IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT, MAN.
MR. CHAPLIN WOULD COME BY.
IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT, MAN.
THERE WAS MR. CHAPLIN,
IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT, MAN.
THERE WAS MR. CHAPLIN,
BUCKWHEAT, ALFALFA, SPANKY,
THERE WAS MR. CHAPLIN,
BUCKWHEAT, ALFALFA, SPANKY,
DARLA, BUTCH, AND ME.
BUCKWHEAT, ALFALFA, SPANKY,
DARLA, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
DARLA, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH, STYMIE, TOO... YEAH.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH, STYMIE, TOO... YEAH.
GOOD. GOOD.
OH, STYMIE, TOO... YEAH.
GOOD. GOOD.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
GOOD. GOOD.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
NAH, THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM
HIS EYE?
NAH, THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM
INTO THE COMMISSARY.
NAH, THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM
INTO THE COMMISSARY.
IT'S ROUGH, MAN.
INTO THE COMMISSARY.
IT'S ROUGH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE A FEW
IT'S ROUGH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE A FEW
DINEROS.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE A FEW
DINEROS.
YOU GET TO BE A HOT CAT ON THE
DINEROS.
YOU GET TO BE A HOT CAT ON THE
LOT.
YOU GET TO BE A HOT CAT ON THE
LOT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A DOG TO
LOT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A DOG TO
HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A DOG TO
HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.
MAN.
HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.
MAN.
ROBERT, YOU SOUND BITTER.
MAN.
ROBERT, YOU SOUND BITTER.
SURE I'M BITTER, MAN.
ROBERT, YOU SOUND BITTER.
SURE I'M BITTER, MAN.
MY HEART'S BREAKING.
SURE I'M BITTER, MAN.
MY HEART'S BREAKING.
HEY, LOOK.
MY HEART'S BREAKING.
HEY, LOOK.
I GOT NO SECRETS.
HEY, LOOK.
I GOT NO SECRETS.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME, AND
I GOT NO SECRETS.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME, AND
IT WASN'T HER FAULT.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME, AND
IT WASN'T HER FAULT.
I BLEW IT.
HONEY, YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY.
I HAD A DECISION TO MAKE.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN PUBLIC LIFE,
YOUR LIFE IS YOUR PUBLIC, YOUR
PUBLIC IS YOUR LIFE, AND YOUR
LIFE IS PUBLIC, AND THE PUBLIC
IS MONEY, AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT
TO THE BANK.
BOBBY, DON'T BE SO HARD ON
YOURSELF.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS
YOURSELF.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS
THAT WE LATER REGRET.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS
THAT WE LATER REGRET.
TAKE RICHARD, FOR INSTANCE.
THAT WE LATER REGRET.
TAKE RICHARD, FOR INSTANCE.
RICHARD, YOU RECENTLY CHASED
TAKE RICHARD, FOR INSTANCE.
RICHARD, YOU RECENTLY CHASED
TWO OF YOUR FIFTH WIFE'S FRIENDS
RICHARD, YOU RECENTLY CHASED
TWO OF YOUR FIFTH WIFE'S FRIENDS
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND THEN
TWO OF YOUR FIFTH WIFE'S FRIENDS
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND THEN
RIDDLED THEIR ABANDONED CARS
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND THEN
RIDDLED THEIR ABANDONED CARS
WITH BULLETS.
YEAH, I WAS UP ALL NIGHT, YOU
KNOW?
I WASN'T FEELING LIKE MYSELF,
YOU KNOW?
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY IT WAS
NERVES.
HEY, MAN.
NERVES.
HEY, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
HEY, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS, MAN.
COME CLEAN.
WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS, MAN.
COME CLEAN.
WE'RE ADMITTING THEM.
COME CLEAN.
WE'RE ADMITTING THEM.
YOU KNOW, TONY, CLAUDINE, ME...
WE'RE ADMITTING THEM.
YOU KNOW, TONY, CLAUDINE, ME...
WE'RE ALL STARS.
YOU KNOW, TONY, CLAUDINE, ME...
WE'RE ALL STARS.
WE'RE ALL SCREWED UP.
YOU KNOW, RICHARD, SOME
PEOPLE EVEN FEEL THAT IF YOU ARE
ANGRY AND THINGS ARE BUILDING UP
INSIDE OF YOU, THE BEST THING TO
DO IS TO ACCIDENTLY SHOOT
SOMEONE IN THE STOMACH.
UH, I ONLY SHOOT CARS.
I DON'T PEOPLE IN THE STOMACH.
I MEAN, LIKE, I'M DOING FINE.
I DON'T PEOPLE IN THE STOMACH.
I MEAN, LIKE, I'M DOING FINE.
REALLY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, LIKE, I'M DOING FINE.
REALLY, YOU KNOW?
I CAN COPE.
REALLY, YOU KNOW?
I CAN COPE.
I SAID, "COPE," TONY, WITH A
I CAN COPE.
I SAID, "COPE," TONY, WITH A
"P," YOU KNOW?
I SAID, "COPE," TONY, WITH A
"P," YOU KNOW?
WELL, RICHARD, MAYBE YOU
"P," YOU KNOW?
WELL, RICHARD, MAYBE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND OR RECOGNIZE
WELL, RICHARD, MAYBE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND OR RECOGNIZE
YOUR OWN SYMPTOMS.
DON'T UNDERSTAND OR RECOGNIZE
YOUR OWN SYMPTOMS.
TONY, DID YOU RECOGNIZE YOUR
YOUR OWN SYMPTOMS.
TONY, DID YOU RECOGNIZE YOUR
SYMPTOMS RIGHT AWAY?
TONY, DID YOU RECOGNIZE YOUR
SYMPTOMS RIGHT AWAY?
IS MANIC DEPRESSION REALLY JUST
SYMPTOMS RIGHT AWAY?
IS MANIC DEPRESSION REALLY JUST
UPS AND DOWNS LIKE
IS MANIC DEPRESSION REALLY JUST
UPS AND DOWNS LIKE
JOYCE BROTHERS SAYS?
UPS AND DOWNS LIKE
JOYCE BROTHERS SAYS?
WELL, JANE, I'VE ALWAYS
JOYCE BROTHERS SAYS?
WELL, JANE, I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED YOU, AND YOU'RE PARTLY
WELL, JANE, I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED YOU, AND YOU'RE PARTLY
RIGHT.
ADMIRED YOU, AND YOU'RE PARTLY
RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S
OH, THANK YOU.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S
PSYCHOLOGICAL, BUT IT'S ONLY
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S
PSYCHOLOGICAL, BUT IT'S ONLY
PARTLY.
PSYCHOLOGICAL, BUT IT'S ONLY
PARTLY.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS
PARTLY.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS
PEOPLE WERE MANIC-DEPRESSIVES?
DID YOU KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS
PEOPLE WERE MANIC-DEPRESSIVES?
ABE LINCOLN, TEDDY ROOSEVELT,
PEOPLE WERE MANIC-DEPRESSIVES?
ABE LINCOLN, TEDDY ROOSEVELT,
CHURCHILL, ALL PAINTERS AND
ABE LINCOLN, TEDDY ROOSEVELT,
CHURCHILL, ALL PAINTERS AND
ARTISTS, VAN GOGH, BUCKWHEAT,
CHURCHILL, ALL PAINTERS AND
ARTISTS, VAN GOGH, BUCKWHEAT,
SPANKY, BUTCH, AND ME.
ARTISTS, VAN GOGH, BUCKWHEAT,
SPANKY, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
SPANKY, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH... YEAH, STYMIE, TOO.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH... YEAH, STYMIE, TOO.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
OH... YEAH, STYMIE, TOO.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
NO, SOME ANIMALS CAN BE
HIS EYE?
NO, SOME ANIMALS CAN BE
MANIC-DEPRESSIVES, BUT I DON'T
NO, SOME ANIMALS CAN BE
MANIC-DEPRESSIVES, BUT I DON'T
THINK PETEY WAS.
MANIC-DEPRESSIVES, BUT I DON'T
THINK PETEY WAS.
LET'S SEE... WHO WAS IT?
THINK PETEY WAS.
LET'S SEE... WHO WAS IT?
IT WAS LASSIE, RIN TIN TIN,
LET'S SEE... WHO WAS IT?
IT WAS LASSIE, RIN TIN TIN,
FURY, MISTER ED, ED WYNN...
IT WAS LASSIE, RIN TIN TIN,
FURY, MISTER ED, ED WYNN...
I HATE TO BREAK UP THIS
FURY, MISTER ED, ED WYNN...
I HATE TO BREAK UP THIS
MARVELOUS DISCUSSION, BUT I'M
I HATE TO BREAK UP THIS
MARVELOUS DISCUSSION, BUT I'M
AFRAID OUR TIME IS UP.
MARVELOUS DISCUSSION, BUT I'M
AFRAID OUR TIME IS UP.
THANK YOU, STARS, FOR SHARING
AFRAID OUR TIME IS UP.
THANK YOU, STARS, FOR SHARING
SOME OF YOUR CELEBRATED PROBLEMS
THANK YOU, STARS, FOR SHARING
SOME OF YOUR CELEBRATED PROBLEMS
WITH US.
SOME OF YOUR CELEBRATED PROBLEMS
WITH US.
FROM ALL THE FOLKS HERE AT
WITH US.
FROM ALL THE FOLKS HERE AT
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," HAVE A GOOD
FROM ALL THE FOLKS HERE AT
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," HAVE A GOOD
NIGHT.
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," HAVE A GOOD
NIGHT.
OH, AND PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK
NIGHT.
OH, AND PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK
WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE
OH, AND PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK
WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE
HAMILTON JORDAN, BELLA ABZUG,
WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE
HAMILTON JORDAN, BELLA ABZUG,
MUHAMMAD ALI, AND
HAMILTON JORDAN, BELLA ABZUG,
MUHAMMAD ALI, AND
THE FLYING WALLENDAS.
MUHAMMAD ALI, AND
THE FLYING WALLENDAS.
DID I SAY JIM PIERSALL?
THE FLYING WALLENDAS.
DID I SAY JIM PIERSALL?
YES, YOU DID.
DID I SAY JIM PIERSALL?
YES, YOU DID.
DID I SAY JIM WEBB?
YES, YOU DID.
DID I SAY JIM WEBB?
YEAH, YOU DID SAY JIM WEBB.
Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S
EDDIE MONEY.
["TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE"
EDDIE MONEY.
["TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE"
PLAYS]
♪ I'VE GOT A SURPRISE NOW
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT BOTH OF US HAVE
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT BOTH OF US HAVE
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT BOTH OF US HAVE
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET!
I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
POCKET!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH OH-OH OH-OH ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH OH-OH OH-OH ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH OH-OH OH-OH ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG ♪
HOW LONG, NOW?
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG ♪
HOW LONG, NOW?
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
HOW LONG, NOW?
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
YES, I DO.
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
YES, I DO.
♪ WAITED AND WAITED SO LONG,
YES, I DO.
♪ WAITED AND WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED AND WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS!
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
NOW I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT, NOW ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT, NOW ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT, NOW ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY]
WHEN SOMEONE COMES TO YOUR
HOUSE AND TELLS YOU THIS
WHEN SOMEONE COMES TO YOUR
HOUSE AND TELLS YOU THIS
SEMI-FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE FIRST
HOUSE AND TELLS YOU THIS
SEMI-FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE FIRST
TIME HE EVER FRENCH-KISSED AND
SEMI-FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE FIRST
TIME HE EVER FRENCH-KISSED AND
YOU NOD REAL HARD ALL THROUGH IT
TIME HE EVER FRENCH-KISSED AND
YOU NOD REAL HARD ALL THROUGH IT
TO SHOW THAT THERE'S NO LITTLE
YOU NOD REAL HARD ALL THROUGH IT
TO SHOW THAT THERE'S NO LITTLE
DETAILS THAT YOU MISSED.
TO SHOW THAT THERE'S NO LITTLE
DETAILS THAT YOU MISSED.
AND YOU SAY "THAT'S HYSTERICAL"
DETAILS THAT YOU MISSED.
AND YOU SAY "THAT'S HYSTERICAL"
3,000 TIMES, AND YOU LAUGH IN
AND YOU SAY "THAT'S HYSTERICAL"
3,000 TIMES, AND YOU LAUGH IN
ALL THE FUNNY PLACES.
3,000 TIMES, AND YOU LAUGH IN
ALL THE FUNNY PLACES.
AND AT THE SERIOUS PARTS, YOU
ALL THE FUNNY PLACES.
AND AT THE SERIOUS PARTS, YOU
TRY TO MAKE THESE REAL SERIOUS
AND AT THE SERIOUS PARTS, YOU
TRY TO MAKE THESE REAL SERIOUS
FACES.
TRY TO MAKE THESE REAL SERIOUS
FACES.
♪ AND WHEN HE SAYS, "YOU LOOK
FACES.
♪ AND WHEN HE SAYS, "YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU WANT PIZZA," EVEN
♪ AND WHEN HE SAYS, "YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU WANT PIZZA," EVEN
THOUGH YOU DON'T, YOU LIE ♪
LIKE YOU WANT PIZZA," EVEN
THOUGH YOU DON'T, YOU LIE ♪
♪ AND YOU SAY, "SURE, WHY NOT?"
THOUGH YOU DON'T, YOU LIE ♪
♪ AND YOU SAY, "SURE, WHY NOT?"
WHEN HE SAYS, "HEY, YOU WANT TO
♪ AND YOU SAY, "SURE, WHY NOT?"
WHEN HE SAYS, "HEY, YOU WANT TO
GET HIGH?" ♪
WHEN HE SAYS, "HEY, YOU WANT TO
GET HIGH?" ♪
AND WHEN YOU REACH OVER FOR THE
GET HIGH?" ♪
AND WHEN YOU REACH OVER FOR THE
ASHTRAY REAL CASUAL, YOU LET
AND WHEN YOU REACH OVER FOR THE
ASHTRAY REAL CASUAL, YOU LET
YOUR BREAST BRUSH UP AGAINST HIS
ASHTRAY REAL CASUAL, YOU LET
YOUR BREAST BRUSH UP AGAINST HIS
THIGH AND YOU MAKE THIS REAL
YOUR BREAST BRUSH UP AGAINST HIS
THIGH AND YOU MAKE THIS REAL
CUTE, FUNNY THING OUT OF PICKING
THIGH AND YOU MAKE THIS REAL
CUTE, FUNNY THING OUT OF PICKING
ASHES THAT HE DROPPED OFF HIS
CUTE, FUNNY THING OUT OF PICKING
ASHES THAT HE DROPPED OFF HIS
FLY.
ASHES THAT HE DROPPED OFF HIS
FLY.
♪ AND WHEN HE WANTS TO WATCH
FLY.
♪ AND WHEN HE WANTS TO WATCH
"BARETTA" AND "THE PHILADELPHIA
♪ AND WHEN HE WANTS TO WATCH
"BARETTA" AND "THE PHILADELPHIA
STORY" IS ON CHANNEL 9, YOU... ♪
"BARETTA" AND "THE PHILADELPHIA
STORY" IS ON CHANNEL 9, YOU... ♪
TO BE NICE SAY, "'BARETTA'?
STORY" IS ON CHANNEL 9, YOU... ♪
TO BE NICE SAY, "'BARETTA'?
FINE.
TO BE NICE SAY, "'BARETTA'?
FINE.
♪ NOT JUST FINE, PERFECT ♪
FINE.
♪ NOT JUST FINE, PERFECT ♪
♪ I WAS ALSO IN A 'BARETTA'
♪ NOT JUST FINE, PERFECT ♪
♪ I WAS ALSO IN A 'BARETTA'
MOOD" ♪
♪ I WAS ALSO IN A 'BARETTA'
MOOD" ♪
I LOVE WATCHING THE BODIES JERK
MOOD" ♪
I LOVE WATCHING THE BODIES JERK
AFTER THE BULLETS HIT THEM.
I LOVE WATCHING THE BODIES JERK
AFTER THE BULLETS HIT THEM.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING NEXT TO
AFTER THE BULLETS HIT THEM.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING NEXT TO
FOOD.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING NEXT TO
FOOD.
AND IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
FOOD.
AND IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
YOU'RE FINDING OUT HOW STUPID
AND IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
YOU'RE FINDING OUT HOW STUPID
HIS HAIR LOOKS WHEN HE GETS OUT
YOU'RE FINDING OUT HOW STUPID
HIS HAIR LOOKS WHEN HE GETS OUT
OF THE SHOWER.
HIS HAIR LOOKS WHEN HE GETS OUT
OF THE SHOWER.
AND PRETTY SOON YOU DON'T EVEN
OF THE SHOWER.
AND PRETTY SOON YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TELL HIM TO PLEASE ORDER
AND PRETTY SOON YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TELL HIM TO PLEASE ORDER
YOU A WHISKEY SOUR.
HAVE TO TELL HIM TO PLEASE ORDER
YOU A WHISKEY SOUR.
AND YOU LAUGH WHEN HE TALKS LIKE
YOU A WHISKEY SOUR.
AND YOU LAUGH WHEN HE TALKS LIKE
DONALD DUCK AND AT JOKES THAT
AND YOU LAUGH WHEN HE TALKS LIKE
DONALD DUCK AND AT JOKES THAT
HE'S TOLD YOU BEFORE.
DONALD DUCK AND AT JOKES THAT
HE'S TOLD YOU BEFORE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM,
HE'S TOLD YOU BEFORE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM,
YOU STOP SECRETLY FEARING THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM,
YOU STOP SECRETLY FEARING THAT
HE'S GOING THROUGH YOUR
YOU STOP SECRETLY FEARING THAT
HE'S GOING THROUGH YOUR
UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
HE'S GOING THROUGH YOUR
UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
♪ AND YOU PAY ALL THIS ATTENTION
UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
♪ AND YOU PAY ALL THIS ATTENTION
TO HIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH ABOUT
♪ AND YOU PAY ALL THIS ATTENTION
TO HIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH ABOUT
HOW THEY'VE SCREWED UP OUR AIR ♪
TO HIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH ABOUT
HOW THEY'VE SCREWED UP OUR AIR ♪
♪ AND WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU POINT
HOW THEY'VE SCREWED UP OUR AIR ♪
♪ AND WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU POINT
TO HIS MOUTH AND SAY... ♪
♪ AND WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU POINT
TO HIS MOUTH AND SAY... ♪
"HEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.
TO HIS MOUTH AND SAY... ♪
"HEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.
IT'S HANGING RIGHT THERE."
"HEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.
IT'S HANGING RIGHT THERE."
AND ANOTHER THING...
IT'S HANGING RIGHT THERE."
AND ANOTHER THING...
♪ YOU'VE BOTH CONFESSED YOU BOTH
AND ANOTHER THING...
♪ YOU'VE BOTH CONFESSED YOU BOTH
ACTUALLY CRIED AT
♪ YOU'VE BOTH CONFESSED YOU BOTH
ACTUALLY CRIED AT
"FATHER KNOWS BEST" ♪
ACTUALLY CRIED AT
"FATHER KNOWS BEST" ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO CLOSE YOU REMEMBER
"FATHER KNOWS BEST" ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO CLOSE YOU REMEMBER
WHERE HE LEFT HIS LEFT GLOVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO CLOSE YOU REMEMBER
WHERE HE LEFT HIS LEFT GLOVE ♪
♪ AND IN BED, YOU FIND THESE
WHERE HE LEFT HIS LEFT GLOVE ♪
♪ AND IN BED, YOU FIND THESE
CLEVER THINGS TO SAY THAT DON'T
♪ AND IN BED, YOU FIND THESE
CLEVER THINGS TO SAY THAT DON'T
CONTAIN THE WORD "LOVE" ♪
CLEVER THINGS TO SAY THAT DON'T
CONTAIN THE WORD "LOVE" ♪
LIKE, "BECAUSE MY ARM'S ASLEEP,
CONTAIN THE WORD "LOVE" ♪
LIKE, "BECAUSE MY ARM'S ASLEEP,
THAT'S WHY."
LIKE, "BECAUSE MY ARM'S ASLEEP,
THAT'S WHY."
AND PRETTY SOON HE'S TELLING YOU
THAT'S WHY."
AND PRETTY SOON HE'S TELLING YOU
THESE STORIES ABOUT HOW, LATELY,
AND PRETTY SOON HE'S TELLING YOU
THESE STORIES ABOUT HOW, LATELY,
HE'S GETTING TO KNOW HIS FOLKS.
THESE STORIES ABOUT HOW, LATELY,
HE'S GETTING TO KNOW HIS FOLKS.
AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM THAT IT
HE'S GETTING TO KNOW HIS FOLKS.
AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM THAT IT
REALLY, TRULY UPSETS YOU THAT HE
AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM THAT IT
REALLY, TRULY UPSETS YOU THAT HE
SMOKES.
REALLY, TRULY UPSETS YOU THAT HE
SMOKES.
♪ BUT STILL ONE NIGHT, AS YOU
SMOKES.
♪ BUT STILL ONE NIGHT, AS YOU
CLEAN UP THE CHINESE FOOD AND
♪ BUT STILL ONE NIGHT, AS YOU
CLEAN UP THE CHINESE FOOD AND
THE COKES ♪
CLEAN UP THE CHINESE FOOD AND
THE COKES ♪
♪ IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO YOU THAT
THE COKES ♪
♪ IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO YOU THAT
HE DOESN'T GET 90% OF YOUR
♪ IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO YOU THAT
HE DOESN'T GET 90% OF YOUR
JOKES ♪
HE DOESN'T GET 90% OF YOUR
JOKES ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T CALL FOR THREE
JOKES ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T CALL FOR THREE
WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU HAD THAT
♪ AND HE DIDN'T CALL FOR THREE
WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU HAD THAT
COLD ♪
WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU HAD THAT
COLD ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T DISAGREE WHEN
COLD ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T DISAGREE WHEN
YOU SAID, "I'M STARTING TO LOOK
♪ AND HE DIDN'T DISAGREE WHEN
YOU SAID, "I'M STARTING TO LOOK
OLD" ♪
YOU SAID, "I'M STARTING TO LOOK
OLD" ♪
♪ AND HE ACTUALLY THINKS IT'S
OLD" ♪
♪ AND HE ACTUALLY THINKS IT'S
COOL TO SAY "CIAO" INSTEAD OF
♪ AND HE ACTUALLY THINKS IT'S
COOL TO SAY "CIAO" INSTEAD OF
"GOODBYE" ♪
COOL TO SAY "CIAO" INSTEAD OF
"GOODBYE" ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T EVEN THANK YOU
"GOODBYE" ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T EVEN THANK YOU
FOR THAT HILARIOUS ANTIQUE TIE ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T EVEN THANK YOU
FOR THAT HILARIOUS ANTIQUE TIE ♪
♪ HE'S COLD, HE'S INSENSITIVE,
FOR THAT HILARIOUS ANTIQUE TIE ♪
♪ HE'S COLD, HE'S INSENSITIVE,
IMMATURE, THE WORST YOU COULD
♪ HE'S COLD, HE'S INSENSITIVE,
IMMATURE, THE WORST YOU COULD
HAVE FOUND ♪
IMMATURE, THE WORST YOU COULD
HAVE FOUND ♪
♪ AND YOU REALIZE YOU LOVE HIM ♪
HAVE FOUND ♪
♪ AND YOU REALIZE YOU LOVE HIM ♪
♪ WHY? ♪
♪ AND YOU REALIZE YOU LOVE HIM ♪
♪ WHY? ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S AROUND ♪
♪ WHY? ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S AROUND ♪
[APPLAUSE]
WELL, THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH
AND THE CAST AND EDDIE MONEY.
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN... IT'S
AND THE CAST AND EDDIE MONEY.
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN... IT'S
BEEN GREAT BEING HERE, AND I'M
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN... IT'S
BEEN GREAT BEING HERE, AND I'M
STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT
BEEN GREAT BEING HERE, AND I'M
STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT
OPENING FOR THE NEXT TIME THAT I
STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT
OPENING FOR THE NEXT TIME THAT I
COME AND I'M ON THIS SHOW.
OPENING FOR THE NEXT TIME THAT I
COME AND I'M ON THIS SHOW.
OH, SEE... I'M QUICK, TOO.
COME AND I'M ON THIS SHOW.
OH, SEE... I'M QUICK, TOO.
SO, GOOD NIGHT.
OH, SEE... I'M QUICK, TOO.
SO, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
SO, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY
NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE
CHRISTOPHER LEE WITH MUSICAL
GUEST MEAT LOAF AND
RICHARD BELZER.
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS DON PARDO,
OR, AS I'M KNOWN ON
ST. PATRICK'S DAY,
DON O'PAR.
GOOD NIGHT.
MEDICINE" WILL NOT BE SEEN
TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT
MEDICINE" WILL NOT BE SEEN
TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT
THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.
TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT
THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
♪ THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
♪ THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE
CALLING ♪
♪ THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE
CALLING ♪
♪ FROM TO GLEN TO GLEN
CALLING ♪
♪ FROM TO GLEN TO GLEN
AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE ♪
♪ FROM TO GLEN TO GLEN
AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE ♪
♪ THE SUMMER'S GONE
AND DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE ♪
♪ THE SUMMER'S GONE
AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING ♪
♪ THE SUMMER'S GONE
AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING ♪
♪ IT'S YOU MUST GO,
AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING ♪
♪ IT'S YOU MUST GO,
MUST GO, AND I MUST BIDE ♪
♪ BUT COME YE BACK
WHEN SUMMER'S IN THE MEADOW ♪
♪ OR WHEN THE VALLEY'S HUSHED
AND WHITE WITH SNOW ♪
♪ YES, I'LL BE HERE
IN SUNSHINE OR IN SHADOW ♪
♪ OH, DANNY BOY, OH, DANNY BOY,
I LOVE YOU SO ♪
♪ BUT WHEN YE COME AND ALL THE
FLOWERS ARE DYING ♪
♪ IF I AM DEAD, AS DEAD I WELL
MAY BE ♪
♪ YOU'LL COME AND FIND THE PLACE
WHERE I AM LYING ♪
♪ AND KNEEL AND SAY AN AVE THERE
FOR ME ♪
♪ AND I SHALL HEAR, THOUGH SOFT
YOU TREAD ABOVE ME ♪
♪ AND O'ER MY GRAVE SHALL
WARMER, SWEETER BE ♪
♪ FOR YOU WILL BEND AND TELL ME
THAT YOU LOVE ME ♪
♪ AND I SHALL SLEEP IN PEACE
UNTIL YOU COME TO ME ♪
♪ ME ♪
♪ OH, DANNY BOY ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Irish accent] LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
STARRING...
HER SPECIAL GUEST...
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
JILL CLAYBURGH!
HI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
WOW.
THANK YOU.
WOW.
[SIGHS]
WOW.
[SIGHS]
THANK YOU.
[SIGHS]
THANK YOU.
OH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE BACK
THANK YOU.
OH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE BACK
HERE.
OH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE BACK
HERE.
YOU KNOW, I HOSTED THE SHOW TWO
HERE.
YOU KNOW, I HOSTED THE SHOW TWO
YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS REALLY
YOU KNOW, I HOSTED THE SHOW TWO
YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS REALLY
GREAT FUN THEN, AND WE'VE BEEN
YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS REALLY
GREAT FUN THEN, AND WE'VE BEEN
HAVING A GREAT TIME DOING IT
GREAT FUN THEN, AND WE'VE BEEN
HAVING A GREAT TIME DOING IT
THIS YEAR.
HAVING A GREAT TIME DOING IT
THIS YEAR.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE
THIS YEAR.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE
REPEAT OF THE SHOW THAT I DID
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THE
REPEAT OF THE SHOW THAT I DID
LAST TIME, I LEARNED A VERY
REPEAT OF THE SHOW THAT I DID
LAST TIME, I LEARNED A VERY
IMPORTANT LESSON.
LAST TIME, I LEARNED A VERY
IMPORTANT LESSON.
I REALIZED THAT, YOU KNOW, WELL,
IMPORTANT LESSON.
I REALIZED THAT, YOU KNOW, WELL,
WITH REHEARSAL AND EVERYTHING,
I REALIZED THAT, YOU KNOW, WELL,
WITH REHEARSAL AND EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE TALKING ALL THE TIME.
WITH REHEARSAL AND EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE TALKING ALL THE TIME.
I DIDN'T REALLY PREPARE THE
YOU'RE TALKING ALL THE TIME.
I DIDN'T REALLY PREPARE THE
OPENING, YOU KNOW, THIS PART, AS
I DIDN'T REALLY PREPARE THE
OPENING, YOU KNOW, THIS PART, AS
WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.
OPENING, YOU KNOW, THIS PART, AS
WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.
THE OPENING, WELL, IT'S
WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.
THE OPENING, WELL, IT'S
IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN BE
THE OPENING, WELL, IT'S
IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN BE
MYSELF AND YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN BE
MYSELF AND YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
ME AND I'M NOT A CHARACTER, I
MYSELF AND YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
ME AND I'M NOT A CHARACTER, I
DON'T HAVE WIGS ON, I'M NOT
ME AND I'M NOT A CHARACTER, I
DON'T HAVE WIGS ON, I'M NOT
CRAZY...
DON'T HAVE WIGS ON, I'M NOT
CRAZY...
AND SO IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE
CRAZY...
AND SO IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE
PREPARED AND MAKE A NICE
AND SO IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE
PREPARED AND MAKE A NICE
IMPRESSION.
PREPARED AND MAKE A NICE
IMPRESSION.
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.
IMPRESSION.
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.
SO BEFORE I CAME BACK THIS TIME,
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.
SO BEFORE I CAME BACK THIS TIME,
I VOWED THAT I WOULD LEARN MY
SO BEFORE I CAME BACK THIS TIME,
I VOWED THAT I WOULD LEARN MY
LESSON FROM THE LAST TIME AND
I VOWED THAT I WOULD LEARN MY
LESSON FROM THE LAST TIME AND
PREPARE.
LESSON FROM THE LAST TIME AND
PREPARE.
WELL, UH...
PREPARE.
WELL, UH...
I LEARNED ANOTHER LESSON THIS
WELL, UH...
I LEARNED ANOTHER LESSON THIS
WEEK.
I LEARNED ANOTHER LESSON THIS
WEEK.
I LEARNED THAT I REALLY DIDN'T
WEEK.
I LEARNED THAT I REALLY DIDN'T
LEARN MY LESSON LAST TIME.
I LEARNED THAT I REALLY DIDN'T
LEARN MY LESSON LAST TIME.
OTHERWISE, THIS OPENING WOULD BE
LEARN MY LESSON LAST TIME.
OTHERWISE, THIS OPENING WOULD BE
A LOT FUNNIER AND A LOT LONGER
OTHERWISE, THIS OPENING WOULD BE
A LOT FUNNIER AND A LOT LONGER
THAN IT'S GOING TO BE.
A LOT FUNNIER AND A LOT LONGER
THAN IT'S GOING TO BE.
SO I THINK I'VE REALLY LEARNED
THAN IT'S GOING TO BE.
SO I THINK I'VE REALLY LEARNED
MY LESSON THIS TIME, AND IF THEY
SO I THINK I'VE REALLY LEARNED
MY LESSON THIS TIME, AND IF THEY
EVER ASK ME BACK, I'M GONNA
MY LESSON THIS TIME, AND IF THEY
EVER ASK ME BACK, I'M GONNA
REALLY WORK ON THIS OPENING
EVER ASK ME BACK, I'M GONNA
REALLY WORK ON THIS OPENING
HARDER THAN ANY OTHER PART OF
REALLY WORK ON THIS OPENING
HARDER THAN ANY OTHER PART OF
THE SHOW.
HARDER THAN ANY OTHER PART OF
THE SHOW.
I MEAN, I'M GONNA REALLY SPEND A
THE SHOW.
I MEAN, I'M GONNA REALLY SPEND A
LOT OF TIME ON IT.
I MEAN, I'M GONNA REALLY SPEND A
LOT OF TIME ON IT.
AND IT'LL REALLY BE GREAT NEXT
LOT OF TIME ON IT.
AND IT'LL REALLY BE GREAT NEXT
TIME, SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, WATCH
AND IT'LL REALLY BE GREAT NEXT
TIME, SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, WATCH
THIS TIME, AND IT'S GONNA BE
TIME, SO UNTIL NEXT TIME, WATCH
THIS TIME, AND IT'S GONNA BE
LONG, AND IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY.
THIS TIME, AND IT'S GONNA BE
LONG, AND IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
LONG, AND IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.
INTRODUCING THE 1978
ROYAL DELUXE II... A LUXURY
NAME AND A LUXURY RIDE AT A
MIDDLE-RANGE PRICE.
IMPOSSIBLE?
WE'VE COME TO TEMPLE BETH SHALOM
IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND
WE'VE COME TO TEMPLE BETH SHALOM
IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND
ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLITZ TO
IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND
ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLITZ TO
CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD
ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLITZ TO
CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD
BENJAMIN KANTER WHILE RIDING IN
CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD
BENJAMIN KANTER WHILE RIDING IN
THE BACKSEAT OF THE ELEGANT
BENJAMIN KANTER WHILE RIDING IN
THE BACKSEAT OF THE ELEGANT
ROYAL DELUXE II.
THE BACKSEAT OF THE ELEGANT
ROYAL DELUXE II.
PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A
ROYAL DELUXE II.
PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A
DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT.
PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A
DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT.
IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A
DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT.
IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A
STEADY CUTTING SURFACE.
IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A
STEADY CUTTING SURFACE.
TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS
STEADY CUTTING SURFACE.
TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS
POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST
TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS
POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST
IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY
POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST
IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY
PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS
IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY
PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS
ROUGH, UNEVEN SURFACE.
PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS
ROUGH, UNEVEN SURFACE.
THIS IS AN ACTUAL DEMONSTRATION.
OUR SPEED... 40 MILES AN HOUR.
THE STYLISH ROYAL DELUXE II
RIDES SMOOTH BECAUSE WE BUILT IT
RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRODYNE
RIDES SMOOTH BECAUSE WE BUILT IT
RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRODYNE
SUSPENSION SYSTEM,
RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRODYNE
SUSPENSION SYSTEM,
RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO
SUSPENSION SYSTEM,
RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO
ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY
RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO
ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY
AND CONTROL.
ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY
AND CONTROL.
AND EVERY NEW, STYLISH
AND CONTROL.
AND EVERY NEW, STYLISH
ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS, AS
AND EVERY NEW, STYLISH
ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS, AS
STANDARD EQUIPMENT, POWER FRONT
ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS, AS
STANDARD EQUIPMENT, POWER FRONT
DISC BRAKES.
STANDARD EQUIPMENT, POWER FRONT
DISC BRAKES.
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
DISC BRAKES.
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[BABY CRYING]
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[BABY CRYING]
PERFECT!
[BABY CRYING]
PERFECT!
YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM
PERFECT!
YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM
A CIRCUMCISION IN THE
YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM
A CIRCUMCISION IN THE
ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO,
A CIRCUMCISION IN THE
ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO,
WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH
ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO,
WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH
RABBI TEPLITZ.
WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH
RABBI TEPLITZ.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BABY...
RABBI TEPLITZ.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BABY...
AND A BEAUTIFUL CAR.
Announcer: ROYAL DELUXE II,
A BEAUTIFUL CAR.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO. OLYMPIA CAFE.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
HELLO. OLYMPIA CAFE.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
NO. NO FRIES, CHIPS.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
NO. NO FRIES, CHIPS.
FOUR CHIP!
NO. NO FRIES, CHIPS.
FOUR CHIP!
FOUR CHIP!
FOUR CHIP!
FOUR CHIP!
WHAT TO DRINK?
FOUR CHIP!
WHAT TO DRINK?
NO COKE. PEPSI.
WHAT TO DRINK?
NO COKE. PEPSI.
FOUR PEPSI!
NO COKE. PEPSI.
FOUR PEPSI!
FOUR PEPSI!
FOUR PEPSI!
FOUR PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT.
FOUR PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DO WHAT I DO, HUH?
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DO WHAT I DO, HUH?
CHEESEBURGER!
JUST DO WHAT I DO, HUH?
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
THREE CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
THREE CHIP!
THREE CHIP!
THREE CHIP!
THREE CHIP!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE CHIP!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE CHIP! THREE PEPSI!
THREE PEPSI!
THREE CHIP! THREE PEPSI!
I SEE THAT YOU ARE TRAINING
THREE CHIP! THREE PEPSI!
I SEE THAT YOU ARE TRAINING
ANOTHER NEW WAITRESS AGAIN.
I SEE THAT YOU ARE TRAINING
ANOTHER NEW WAITRESS AGAIN.
YEAH. BUT SHE WON'T STAY.
ANOTHER NEW WAITRESS AGAIN.
YEAH. BUT SHE WON'T STAY.
THEY ALL WANT MONEY.
YEAH. BUT SHE WON'T STAY.
THEY ALL WANT MONEY.
YOU KNOW?
THEY ALL WANT MONEY.
YOU KNOW?
EVEN HIM.
YOU KNOW?
EVEN HIM.
I BRING HIM OVER FROM GREECE.
EVEN HIM.
I BRING HIM OVER FROM GREECE.
I GIVE HIM FREE FOOD, A NICE
I BRING HIM OVER FROM GREECE.
I GIVE HIM FREE FOOD, A NICE
PLACE TO SLEEP IN THE BACK.
I GIVE HIM FREE FOOD, A NICE
PLACE TO SLEEP IN THE BACK.
BUT, EVEN NOW, HE'S ALWAYS
PLACE TO SLEEP IN THE BACK.
BUT, EVEN NOW, HE'S ALWAYS
ASKING FOR MONEY.
BUT, EVEN NOW, HE'S ALWAYS
ASKING FOR MONEY.
EHH.
ASKING FOR MONEY.
EHH.
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
EHH.
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
CHEESEBURGER!
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP!
TWO CHIP!
TWO CHIP!
TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP! TWO PEPSI!
TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP! TWO PEPSI!
HEY, UH, I'M ALMOST DONE.
TWO CHIP! TWO PEPSI!
HEY, UH, I'M ALMOST DONE.
I BETTER ORDER THAT STUFF TO GO.
HEY, UH, I'M ALMOST DONE.
I BETTER ORDER THAT STUFF TO GO.
AH. I LIKE YOU.
I BETTER ORDER THAT STUFF TO GO.
AH. I LIKE YOU.
YOU EAT FAST.
AH. I LIKE YOU.
YOU EAT FAST.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT TO GO?
YOU EAT FAST.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT TO GO?
UM, I WANT A CHEESEBURGER,
ALL RIGHT, WHAT TO GO?
UM, I WANT A CHEESEBURGER,
PEPSI, AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
UM, I WANT A CHEESEBURGER,
PEPSI, AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIP!
PEPSI, AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI, CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI, CHIP!
SANDY, COME HERE.
PEPSI, CHIP!
SANDY, COME HERE.
OKAY, WHEN PETE GOES, YOU
SANDY, COME HERE.
OKAY, WHEN PETE GOES, YOU
HAVE TO STAND BY THE CASH
OKAY, WHEN PETE GOES, YOU
HAVE TO STAND BY THE CASH
REGISTER BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
HAVE TO STAND BY THE CASH
REGISTER BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
PETE IS THE ONLY ONE TO TOUCH
REGISTER BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.
PETE IS THE ONLY ONE TO TOUCH
THE CASH REGISTER, HUH?
HI.
UH, WE'RE HAVING A BENEFIT FOR
THE TAGGART TWINS... YOU KNOW,
UH, WE'RE HAVING A BENEFIT FOR
THE TAGGART TWINS... YOU KNOW,
THE LITTLE BOYS THAT ATE THE
THE TAGGART TWINS... YOU KNOW,
THE LITTLE BOYS THAT ATE THE
BALLOON... AND I WAS WONDERING
THE LITTLE BOYS THAT ATE THE
BALLOON... AND I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN
BALLOON... AND I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN
YOUR WINDOW.
IF I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN
YOUR WINDOW.
I CAN?
YOUR WINDOW.
I CAN?
OH!
I CAN?
OH!
CHEESEBURGER?
OH!
CHEESEBURGER?
LOOK, UM, HE DOESN'T
CHEESEBURGER?
LOOK, UM, HE DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.
LOOK, UM, HE DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.
ALL HE KNOWS IS "CHEESEBURGER."
UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.
ALL HE KNOWS IS "CHEESEBURGER."
CHEESEBURGER?
ALL HE KNOWS IS "CHEESEBURGER."
CHEESEBURGER?
OH, HI, GEORGE, LOOK, UH, I
CHEESEBURGER?
OH, HI, GEORGE, LOOK, UH, I
WANT TO TELL YOU THIS JOKE,
OH, HI, GEORGE, LOOK, UH, I
WANT TO TELL YOU THIS JOKE,
OKAY?
WANT TO TELL YOU THIS JOKE,
OKAY?
OH, TELL HIM, TOO... IT'S REAL
OKAY?
OH, TELL HIM, TOO... IT'S REAL
FUNNY.
OH, TELL HIM, TOO... IT'S REAL
FUNNY.
UM, THIS GUY SAYS TO THE OWNER
FUNNY.
UM, THIS GUY SAYS TO THE OWNER
OF A RESTAURANT...
UM, THIS GUY SAYS TO THE OWNER
OF A RESTAURANT...
[SPEAKING GREEK]
OF A RESTAURANT...
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"UH, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"UH, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS
FOR YOU AND SOME WORSE NEWS."
"UH, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS
FOR YOU AND SOME WORSE NEWS."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
FOR YOU AND SOME WORSE NEWS."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE BAD NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE BAD NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE BAD NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE WORSE NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE WORSE NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"THE WORSE NEWS IS..."
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE
[SPEAKING GREEK]
"IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE
MEAL!"
"IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE
MEAL!"
[SPEAKING GREEK]
MEAL!"
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GREEK]
[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.
[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
THANK YOU.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
OLYMPIA CAFE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
OLYMPIA CAFE.
TO GO?
OLYMPIA CAFE.
TO GO?
OKAY.
TO GO?
OKAY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
OKAY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON,
TWO CHIP, TWO PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO, COME
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO, COME
ON, MOVE, COME ON!
COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO, COME
ON, MOVE, COME ON!
HI! UM, WE'RE HAVING A
ON, MOVE, COME ON!
HI! UM, WE'RE HAVING A
BENEFIT, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
HI! UM, WE'RE HAVING A
BENEFIT, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN YOUR
BENEFIT, AND I WAS WONDERING IF
I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN YOUR
WINDOW.
I COULD PUT THIS POSTER IN YOUR
WINDOW.
SURE. FIVE DOLLARS.
WINDOW.
SURE. FIVE DOLLARS.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T
SURE. FIVE DOLLARS.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
IT'S A BENEFIT.
UNDERSTAND.
IT'S A BENEFIT.
LOOK, YOU COME IN HERE, YOU
IT'S A BENEFIT.
LOOK, YOU COME IN HERE, YOU
DON'T EVEN BUY SOMETHING, YOU
LOOK, YOU COME IN HERE, YOU
DON'T EVEN BUY SOMETHING, YOU
WANT ME TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE
DON'T EVEN BUY SOMETHING, YOU
WANT ME TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE
WINDOW?
WANT ME TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE
WINDOW?
OH, OKAY, I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
WINDOW?
OH, OKAY, I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
OH, OKAY, I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
OKAY, WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
I'LL BUY SOMETHING.
OKAY, WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
UH, I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH
OKAY, WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
UH, I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH
AND A TEA.
UH, I'LL HAVE A CLUB SANDWICH
AND A TEA.
NO CLUB. NO TEA.
AND A TEA.
NO CLUB. NO TEA.
CHEESEBURGER.
NO CLUB. NO TEA.
CHEESEBURGER.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A
CHEESEBURGER.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A
CHEESEBURGER, WELL DONE.
OKAY, I'LL HAVE A
CHEESEBURGER, WELL DONE.
ALL RIGHT. CHEESEBURGER.
CHEESEBURGER, WELL DONE.
ALL RIGHT. CHEESEBURGER.
WHAT TO DRINK?
ALL RIGHT. CHEESEBURGER.
WHAT TO DRINK?
AH, NO TEA?
WHAT TO DRINK?
AH, NO TEA?
NO TEA. PEPSI.
AH, NO TEA?
NO TEA. PEPSI.
DO YOU HAVE ROOT BEER?
NO TEA. PEPSI.
DO YOU HAVE ROOT BEER?
NO. NO ROOT BEER. PEPSI.
DO YOU HAVE ROOT BEER?
NO. NO ROOT BEER. PEPSI.
GRAPE? DO YOU HAVE...
NO. NO ROOT BEER. PEPSI.
GRAPE? DO YOU HAVE...
PEPSI!
GRAPE? DO YOU HAVE...
PEPSI!
I DON'T THINK I WANT ANYTHING
PEPSI!
I DON'T THINK I WANT ANYTHING
TO DRINK, THANKS.
I DON'T THINK I WANT ANYTHING
TO DRINK, THANKS.
OKAY, TEA.
TO DRINK, THANKS.
OKAY, TEA.
CHEESEBURGER!
OKAY, TEA.
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
HEY, YO, HEY. HEY, YOU!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
HEY, YO, HEY. HEY, YOU!
YOU DON'T SAY IT RIGHT.
HEY, YO, HEY. HEY, YOU!
YOU DON'T SAY IT RIGHT.
OKAY?
YOU DON'T SAY IT RIGHT.
OKAY?
LISTEN.
OKAY?
LISTEN.
CHEEZEBORGER!
LISTEN.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
NO, NO. CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER.
NO, NO. CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
NO, NO. CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
CHEEZEBORGER!
CHEESEBURGER!
I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE.
CHEESEBURGER!
I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE.
THIS PLACE IS NUTS!
I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE.
THIS PLACE IS NUTS!
I'M JUST GETTING OUT OF THIS
THIS PLACE IS NUTS!
I'M JUST GETTING OUT OF THIS
PLACE.
I'M JUST GETTING OUT OF THIS
PLACE.
THIS IS CRAZY.
PLACE.
THIS IS CRAZY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
THIS IS CRAZY.
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI! CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI! CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIPS!
PEPSI! CHIP!
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIPS!
HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
CHEESEBURGER, PEPSI, CHIPS!
HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE NOW.
HEY, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE NOW.
CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A GLASS
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE NOW.
CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A GLASS
OF WATER?
CAN SOMEBODY GET HER A GLASS
OF WATER?
NO WATER. PEPSI.
OF WATER?
NO WATER. PEPSI.
ALL RIGHT, PEPSI.
NO WATER. PEPSI.
ALL RIGHT, PEPSI.
ONE PEPSI!
ALL RIGHT, PEPSI.
ONE PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI! PEPSI! COME ON!
ONE PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI! PEPSI! COME ON!
PEPSI!
PEPSI! PEPSI! PEPSI! COME ON!
PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
PEPSI!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!
MARCH 18th, THE PATIENT
CONTINUES TO EXHIBIT ACUTE
SCHIZOPHRENIA, PERHAPS THE MOST
CONTINUES TO EXHIBIT ACUTE
SCHIZOPHRENIA, PERHAPS THE MOST
REMARKABLE CASE SINCE THE THREE
SCHIZOPHRENIA, PERHAPS THE MOST
REMARKABLE CASE SINCE THE THREE
FACES OF EVE.
REMARKABLE CASE SINCE THE THREE
FACES OF EVE.
EACH OF HER MULTIPLE
FACES OF EVE.
EACH OF HER MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES IS SO CLEARLY
EACH OF HER MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES IS SO CLEARLY
DEFINED THAT IT'S ALMOST AS
PERSONALITIES IS SO CLEARLY
DEFINED THAT IT'S ALMOST AS
THOUGH I WERE IN THE ROOM WITH
DEFINED THAT IT'S ALMOST AS
THOUGH I WERE IN THE ROOM WITH
THREE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
THOUGH I WERE IN THE ROOM WITH
THREE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
AHH.
THREE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
AHH.
MISS BERNSTEIN, WOULD YOU SEND
AHH.
MISS BERNSTEIN, WOULD YOU SEND
IN SYBIL?
Announcer: "SYBIL PART III."
HELLO, SYBIL.
All: HELLO, DR. WILBUR.
SYBIL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
All: HELLO, DR. WILBUR.
SYBIL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
SEAT?
SYBIL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A
SEAT?
WELL, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL.
SEAT?
WELL, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL.
TODAY, THE TWO OF US ARE GOING
WELL, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL.
TODAY, THE TWO OF US ARE GOING
TO CONFRONT REALITY.
TODAY, THE TWO OF US ARE GOING
TO CONFRONT REALITY.
YOU ARE LABORING UNDER THE
TO CONFRONT REALITY.
YOU ARE LABORING UNDER THE
DELUSION THAT YOU ARE THREE
YOU ARE LABORING UNDER THE
DELUSION THAT YOU ARE THREE
SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
DELUSION THAT YOU ARE THREE
SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
WE ARE THREE SEPARATE
SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS.
WE ARE THREE SEPARATE
INDIVIDUALS.
WE ARE THREE SEPARATE
INDIVIDUALS.
OH, GOD, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
INDIVIDUALS.
OH, GOD, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
THIS.
OH, GOD, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
THIS.
I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT, BUT, IN
THIS.
I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT, BUT, IN
FACT, YOU'RE ALL ONE PERSON.
I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT, BUT, IN
FACT, YOU'RE ALL ONE PERSON.
YOU ARE SYBIL DORSETT FROM
FACT, YOU'RE ALL ONE PERSON.
YOU ARE SYBIL DORSETT FROM
WILLOW CORNERS, WISCONSIN.
YOU ARE SYBIL DORSETT FROM
WILLOW CORNERS, WISCONSIN.
THIS IS SYBIL DORSETT.
WILLOW CORNERS, WISCONSIN.
THIS IS SYBIL DORSETT.
SHE'S SYBIL CONNOLLY FROM
THIS IS SYBIL DORSETT.
SHE'S SYBIL CONNOLLY FROM
BOSTON.
SHE'S SYBIL CONNOLLY FROM
BOSTON.
I'M SYBIL WEINTRAUB FROM SHAKER
BOSTON.
I'M SYBIL WEINTRAUB FROM SHAKER
HEIGHTS, OHIO.
I'M SYBIL WEINTRAUB FROM SHAKER
HEIGHTS, OHIO.
LOOK, I'VE GOT PROOF.
HEIGHTS, OHIO.
LOOK, I'VE GOT PROOF.
HERE'S MY I.D. WITH ALL MY NAME
LOOK, I'VE GOT PROOF.
HERE'S MY I.D. WITH ALL MY NAME
ON IT... SYBIL WEINTRAUB.
HERE'S MY I.D. WITH ALL MY NAME
ON IT... SYBIL WEINTRAUB.
SYBIL, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
ON IT... SYBIL WEINTRAUB.
SYBIL, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
LOOK, YOU JUST THINK WE'RE
SYBIL, YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.
LOOK, YOU JUST THINK WE'RE
THE SAME PERSON BECAUSE WE ALL
LOOK, YOU JUST THINK WE'RE
THE SAME PERSON BECAUSE WE ALL
HAPPEN TO BE NAMED SYBIL.
THE SAME PERSON BECAUSE WE ALL
HAPPEN TO BE NAMED SYBIL.
WELL, THAT IS WHAT TIPPED ME
HAPPEN TO BE NAMED SYBIL.
WELL, THAT IS WHAT TIPPED ME
OFF.
WELL, THAT IS WHAT TIPPED ME
OFF.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE GOING
OFF.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE GOING
ON HERE.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE GOING
ON HERE.
SYBIL, ONE OF YOUR PERSONALITIES
ON HERE.
SYBIL, ONE OF YOUR PERSONALITIES
ISN'T EXPRESSING HERSELF.
SYBIL, ONE OF YOUR PERSONALITIES
ISN'T EXPRESSING HERSELF.
WHY IS THAT?
ISN'T EXPRESSING HERSELF.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
SYBIL, YOU'RE VERY HOSTILE
BECAUSE SHE'S VEGGED OUT.
SYBIL, YOU'RE VERY HOSTILE
TODAY.
SYBIL, YOU'RE VERY HOSTILE
TODAY.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING HOW MUCH
TODAY.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING HOW MUCH
PROGRESS WE'VE ALREADY MADE?
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING HOW MUCH
PROGRESS WE'VE ALREADY MADE?
WHEN YOU FIRST CAME HERE, YOU
PROGRESS WE'VE ALREADY MADE?
WHEN YOU FIRST CAME HERE, YOU
WERE MANIFESTING 16 DIFFERENT
WHEN YOU FIRST CAME HERE, YOU
WERE MANIFESTING 16 DIFFERENT
PERSONALITIES, AND NOW WE'VE
WERE MANIFESTING 16 DIFFERENT
PERSONALITIES, AND NOW WE'VE
SUCCESSFULLY INTEGRATED ALL BUT
PERSONALITIES, AND NOW WE'VE
SUCCESSFULLY INTEGRATED ALL BUT
THREE.
SUCCESSFULLY INTEGRATED ALL BUT
THREE.
OF COURSE.
THREE.
OF COURSE.
THE OTHER 13 SYBILS STOPPED
OF COURSE.
THE OTHER 13 SYBILS STOPPED
COMING TO THE SESSION.
THE OTHER 13 SYBILS STOPPED
COMING TO THE SESSION.
MAYBE THEY WERE SMARTER THAN
COMING TO THE SESSION.
MAYBE THEY WERE SMARTER THAN
WE WERE.
MAYBE THEY WERE SMARTER THAN
WE WERE.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE WEREN'T
WE WERE.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE WEREN'T
ENOUGH CHAIRS.
WELL, BESIDES, THERE WEREN'T
ENOUGH CHAIRS.
[LAUGHS]
ENOUGH CHAIRS.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
SYBIL, YOU WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE
SYBIL.
SYBIL, YOU WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE
PERSON UNTIL YOU RELIVE YOUR
SYBIL, YOU WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE
PERSON UNTIL YOU RELIVE YOUR
CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS AND YOU ADMIT
PERSON UNTIL YOU RELIVE YOUR
CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS AND YOU ADMIT
THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS A MONSTER
CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS AND YOU ADMIT
THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS A MONSTER
WHO TORTURED YOU WITH
THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS A MONSTER
WHO TORTURED YOU WITH
BUTTONHOOKS WHILE HANGING YOU
WHO TORTURED YOU WITH
BUTTONHOOKS WHILE HANGING YOU
UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE KITCHEN
BUTTONHOOKS WHILE HANGING YOU
UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE KITCHEN
LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVING YOU
UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE KITCHEN
LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVING YOU
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVING YOU
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
WHAT?
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OH, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL, FACE
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OH, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL, FACE
THE TRUTH.
OH, SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL, FACE
THE TRUTH.
REMEMBER.
THE TRUTH.
REMEMBER.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
REMEMBER.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO MY MOTHER DID HANG ME FROM
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO MY MOTHER DID HANG ME FROM
THE LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVE ME
SO MY MOTHER DID HANG ME FROM
THE LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVE ME
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
THE LIGHT FIXTURE AND GIVE ME
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
SO WHAT?
ICE-WATER ENEMAS.
SO WHAT?
SO DID MINE. BIG DEAL.
SO WHAT?
SO DID MINE. BIG DEAL.
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT
SO DID MINE. BIG DEAL.
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT
BELIEVE ME, IT'S JUST A WEIRD
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT
BELIEVE ME, IT'S JUST A WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S JUST A WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
IT IS A PRETTY WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
IT IS A PRETTY WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
IT IS A PRETTY WEIRD
COINCIDENCE.
[LAUGHS]
COINCIDENCE.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
[LAUGHS]
SYBIL.
SYBIL, WE SEEM TO BE ON THE
SYBIL.
SYBIL, WE SEEM TO BE ON THE
VERGE OF A BREAKTHROUGH.
SYBIL, WE SEEM TO BE ON THE
VERGE OF A BREAKTHROUGH.
NOW, WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK
VERGE OF A BREAKTHROUGH.
NOW, WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK
TO THE COUCH?
NOW, WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK
TO THE COUCH?
I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
TO THE COUCH?
I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT PLEASE TRY
I KNOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT PLEASE TRY
IT.
UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT PLEASE TRY
IT.
I HATE THIS PART.
IT.
I HATE THIS PART.
SYBIL, WHY DENY THAT YOU'RE
I HATE THIS PART.
SYBIL, WHY DENY THAT YOU'RE
SCHIZO?
SYBIL, WHY DENY THAT YOU'RE
SCHIZO?
WE ALL HAVE MANY PEOPLE INSIDE
SCHIZO?
WE ALL HAVE MANY PEOPLE INSIDE
OF US.
WE ALL HAVE MANY PEOPLE INSIDE
OF US.
I MYSELF AM A... I'M A
OF US.
I MYSELF AM A... I'M A
PSYCHIATRIST.
I MYSELF AM A... I'M A
PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M A MOTHER.
PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M A MOTHER.
I'M... I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
I'M A MOTHER.
I'M... I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
I'M AN UNMARRIED WOMAN.
I'M... I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
I'M AN UNMARRIED WOMAN.
I'M A DANCER, AND AS A MATTER OF
I'M AN UNMARRIED WOMAN.
I'M A DANCER, AND AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I'M TWO DANCERS.
I'M A DANCER, AND AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I'M TWO DANCERS.
I'M JAZZ AND MODERN.
FACT, I'M TWO DANCERS.
I'M JAZZ AND MODERN.
I'M A FURRIER.
I'M JAZZ AND MODERN.
I'M A FURRIER.
I'M FOUR ARTISTS.
I'M A FURRIER.
I'M FOUR ARTISTS.
I'M AN IMPRESSIONIST, A
I'M FOUR ARTISTS.
I'M AN IMPRESSIONIST, A
PHOTO-REALIST, AN ABSTRACT
I'M AN IMPRESSIONIST, A
PHOTO-REALIST, AN ABSTRACT
EXPRESSIONIST, AND A PRIMITIVE,
PHOTO-REALIST, AN ABSTRACT
EXPRESSIONIST, AND A PRIMITIVE,
AND I'M A LOT OF GYM TEACHERS,
EXPRESSIONIST, AND A PRIMITIVE,
AND I'M A LOT OF GYM TEACHERS,
AND I'M AT LEAST ONE DENTAL
AND I'M A LOT OF GYM TEACHERS,
AND I'M AT LEAST ONE DENTAL
TECHNICIAN.
AND I'M AT LEAST ONE DENTAL
TECHNICIAN.
I'VE HAD PROBLEMS, LIKE MOST
TECHNICIAN.
I'VE HAD PROBLEMS, LIKE MOST
YOUNG WOMEN.
I'VE HAD PROBLEMS, LIKE MOST
YOUNG WOMEN.
I WAS HUNG FROM LIGHT FIXTURES
YOUNG WOMEN.
I WAS HUNG FROM LIGHT FIXTURES
AND TORTURED BY MY MOTHER.
I WAS HUNG FROM LIGHT FIXTURES
AND TORTURED BY MY MOTHER.
I SURVIVED, AND SO CAN YOU.
AND TORTURED BY MY MOTHER.
I SURVIVED, AND SO CAN YOU.
YOU CAN BECOME WHOLE AGAIN.
I SURVIVED, AND SO CAN YOU.
YOU CAN BECOME WHOLE AGAIN.
I KNOW IT.
YOU CAN BECOME WHOLE AGAIN.
I KNOW IT.
SYBIL.
I KNOW IT.
SYBIL.
YOU'RE CURED.
SYBIL.
YOU'RE CURED.
OH, SYBIL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE CURED.
OH, SYBIL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE A WHOLE PERSON AGAIN.
OH, SYBIL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE A WHOLE PERSON AGAIN.
OH, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY FOR
YOU'RE A WHOLE PERSON AGAIN.
OH, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY FOR
YOU TO COME BACK HERE EVERY
OH, IT WON'T BE NECESSARY FOR
YOU TO COME BACK HERE EVERY
WEEK.
YOU TO COME BACK HERE EVERY
WEEK.
YOU JUST CHECK IN WITH ME EVERY
WEEK.
YOU JUST CHECK IN WITH ME EVERY
NOW AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE FEELING
YOU JUST CHECK IN WITH ME EVERY
NOW AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE FEELING
A LITTLE BIT DOWN.
NOW AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE FEELING
A LITTLE BIT DOWN.
OH, SYBIL.
A LITTLE BIT DOWN.
OH, SYBIL.
SWEETIE, I AM SO GLAD THAT THIS
OH, SYBIL.
SWEETIE, I AM SO GLAD THAT THIS
HAPPENED.
SWEETIE, I AM SO GLAD THAT THIS
HAPPENED.
AND YOU JUST REMEMBER... YOUR
HAPPENED.
AND YOU JUST REMEMBER... YOUR
MOTHER CANNOT HURT YOU NOW.
AND YOU JUST REMEMBER... YOUR
MOTHER CANNOT HURT YOU NOW.
NOW, LISTEN.
MOTHER CANNOT HURT YOU NOW.
NOW, LISTEN.
I HAVE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT, AND
NOW, LISTEN.
I HAVE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT, AND
SHE'S WAITING FOR ME, BUT YOU
I HAVE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT, AND
SHE'S WAITING FOR ME, BUT YOU
JUST KEEP IN TOUCH.
SHE'S WAITING FOR ME, BUT YOU
JUST KEEP IN TOUCH.
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
JUST KEEP IN TOUCH.
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
UH, MISS BERNSTEIN, SEND IN
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
UH, MISS BERNSTEIN, SEND IN
DEBORAH.
UH, MISS BERNSTEIN, SEND IN
DEBORAH.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
DEBORAH.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OKAY, DEBORAH.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OKAY, DEBORAH.
HOLD IT DOWN.
OKAY, DEBORAH.
HOLD IT DOWN.
NOW, THE TWO OF US HAVE A LOT OF
HOLD IT DOWN.
NOW, THE TWO OF US HAVE A LOT OF
WORK TO DO HERE, SO LET'S NOT
NOW, THE TWO OF US HAVE A LOT OF
WORK TO DO HERE, SO LET'S NOT
WASTE ANY TIME.
WORK TO DO HERE, SO LET'S NOT
WASTE ANY TIME.
AND REMEMBER, DEBORAH.
WASTE ANY TIME.
AND REMEMBER, DEBORAH.
I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE
AND REMEMBER, DEBORAH.
I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE
GARDEN.
Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
ONCE AGAIN FOR "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER," WITH YOUR HOST,
ONCE AGAIN FOR "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER," WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
THEATER," WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
GOOD EVENING, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME TO "BAD ONE-MAN
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME TO "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER."
WELCOME TO "BAD ONE-MAN
THEATER."
MONODRAMA, OR ONE-MAN THEATER,
THEATER."
MONODRAMA, OR ONE-MAN THEATER,
HAS GROWN INCREASINGLY POPULAR
MONODRAMA, OR ONE-MAN THEATER,
HAS GROWN INCREASINGLY POPULAR
RECENTLY.
HAS GROWN INCREASINGLY POPULAR
RECENTLY.
THE DYNAMICS OF THE MONODRAMA
RECENTLY.
THE DYNAMICS OF THE MONODRAMA
ARE QUITE SIMPLE.
THE DYNAMICS OF THE MONODRAMA
ARE QUITE SIMPLE.
ONE ACTOR PORTRAYS ONE FAMOUS
ARE QUITE SIMPLE.
ONE ACTOR PORTRAYS ONE FAMOUS
PERSON ONSTAGE ALONE FOR TWO
ONE ACTOR PORTRAYS ONE FAMOUS
PERSON ONSTAGE ALONE FOR TWO
HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK.
PERSON ONSTAGE ALONE FOR TWO
HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK.
STUNNINGLY TEDIOUS.
HOURS WITHOUT A BREAK.
STUNNINGLY TEDIOUS.
TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A
STUNNINGLY TEDIOUS.
TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A
PARTICULARLY BAD EXAMPLE OF
TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A
PARTICULARLY BAD EXAMPLE OF
AMERICAN ONE-MAN THEATER
PARTICULARLY BAD EXAMPLE OF
AMERICAN ONE-MAN THEATER
ENTITLED "AN EVENING WITH..."
AMERICAN ONE-MAN THEATER
ENTITLED "AN EVENING WITH..."
IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1962 BY
ENTITLED "AN EVENING WITH..."
IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1962 BY
FRED REX JR., AND IT IS
IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1962 BY
FRED REX JR., AND IT IS
UNRELENTINGLY BAD.
FRED REX JR., AND IT IS
UNRELENTINGLY BAD.
BAD BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THAN
UNRELENTINGLY BAD.
BAD BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THAN
ONE MAN.
BAD BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THAN
ONE MAN.
IN FACT, THERE ARE FOUR MEN AND
ONE MAN.
IN FACT, THERE ARE FOUR MEN AND
A WOMAN.
IN FACT, THERE ARE FOUR MEN AND
A WOMAN.
WE ARE PLEASED TO PRESENT
A WOMAN.
WE ARE PLEASED TO PRESENT
"AN EVENING WITH..."
WE ARE PLEASED TO PRESENT
"AN EVENING WITH..."
IT IS DUSK IN THE MISSISSIPPI
"AN EVENING WITH..."
IT IS DUSK IN THE MISSISSIPPI
DELTA AS OUR PLAY BEGINS.
IT IS DUSK IN THE MISSISSIPPI
DELTA AS OUR PLAY BEGINS.
I WAS A LITTLE BOY... A
DELTA AS OUR PLAY BEGINS.
I WAS A LITTLE BOY... A
LITTLE BAREFOOT BOY.
I WAS A LITTLE BOY... A
LITTLE BAREFOOT BOY.
I HEAR THE PILOT OF THE BIG
LITTLE BAREFOOT BOY.
I HEAR THE PILOT OF THE BIG
RIVERBOAT YELL TO HIS CAPTAIN AS
I HEAR THE PILOT OF THE BIG
RIVERBOAT YELL TO HIS CAPTAIN AS
THEY PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THE
RIVERBOAT YELL TO HIS CAPTAIN AS
THEY PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THE
MISSISSIPPI, "MARK ONE...
THEY PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THE
MISSISSIPPI, "MARK ONE...
MARK TWAIN...
MISSISSIPPI, "MARK ONE...
MARK TWAIN...
MARK THRAIN...
MARK TWAIN...
MARK THRAIN...
MARK FOURN..."
MARK THRAIN...
MARK FOURN..."
I'M HARRY TRUMAN, AND NO
MARK FOURN..."
I'M HARRY TRUMAN, AND NO
RUSSKI'S GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO
I'M HARRY TRUMAN, AND NO
RUSSKI'S GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO
SIGN.
RUSSKI'S GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO
SIGN.
BACK IN MISSOURI, WE HAD A
SIGN.
BACK IN MISSOURI, WE HAD A
SAYING... IF YOU CAN'T GET IN,
BACK IN MISSOURI, WE HAD A
SAYING... IF YOU CAN'T GET IN,
THEN STAY THE HELL OUT.
SAYING... IF YOU CAN'T GET IN,
THEN STAY THE HELL OUT.
WELL, WHEN I LEFT INDEPENDENCE,
THEN STAY THE HELL OUT.
WELL, WHEN I LEFT INDEPENDENCE,
I TOLD MY WIFE, BESS, "FORGET
WELL, WHEN I LEFT INDEPENDENCE,
I TOLD MY WIFE, BESS, "FORGET
IT.
I TOLD MY WIFE, BESS, "FORGET
IT.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE."
IT.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE."
IT STOPS HERE, I TELL YOU.
THE BUCK STOPS HERE."
IT STOPS HERE, I TELL YOU.
THE BUCK STOPS RIGHT HERE.
IT STOPS HERE, I TELL YOU.
THE BUCK STOPS RIGHT HERE.
GOOD EVENING.
THE BUCK STOPS RIGHT HERE.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M EDGAR ALLAN POE.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M EDGAR ALLAN POE.
LAST NIGHT, I ATE A WHOLE OUNCE
I'M EDGAR ALLAN POE.
LAST NIGHT, I ATE A WHOLE OUNCE
OF PURE OPIUM, AND I'M STILL
LAST NIGHT, I ATE A WHOLE OUNCE
OF PURE OPIUM, AND I'M STILL
FLYING.
OF PURE OPIUM, AND I'M STILL
FLYING.
QUOTH THE RAVEN, "NEVERMORE."
FLYING.
QUOTH THE RAVEN, "NEVERMORE."
THE PIT.
QUOTH THE RAVEN, "NEVERMORE."
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
THE PIT.
THE PENDULUM.
I AM PAUL ROBESON.
THE PENDULUM.
I AM PAUL ROBESON.
I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
I AM PAUL ROBESON.
I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ HE BOUGHT NO COTTON ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ HE BOUGHT NO COTTON ♪
MY NAME IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
♪ HE BOUGHT NO COTTON ♪
MY NAME IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
AND, YES, I WAS MARRIED TO
MY NAME IS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
AND, YES, I WAS MARRIED TO
F.D.R.
AND, YES, I WAS MARRIED TO
F.D.R.
REAL, F.D.R.'s TEETH WERE REAL,
F.D.R.
REAL, F.D.R.'s TEETH WERE REAL,
AND I HATED IT WHEN HE SMOKED.
REAL, F.D.R.'s TEETH WERE REAL,
AND I HATED IT WHEN HE SMOKED.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
YOU WERE ALL MARVELOUS.
THANK YOU.
YOU WERE ALL MARVELOUS.
INCREDIBLY BAD.
YOU WERE ALL MARVELOUS.
INCREDIBLY BAD.
THANK YOU.
INCREDIBLY BAD.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
EXC...
WELL, I'M SURE YOU WILL AGREE
THAT REALLY BIT IT.
WELL, I'M SURE YOU WILL AGREE
THAT REALLY BIT IT.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST.
THAT REALLY BIT IT.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST.
NICK TURNER WAS HAL HOLBROOK AS
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST.
NICK TURNER WAS HAL HOLBROOK AS
MARK TWAIN, STEVE BUSHAKIS
NICK TURNER WAS HAL HOLBROOK AS
MARK TWAIN, STEVE BUSHAKIS
PORTRAYED JAMES WHITMORE AS
MARK TWAIN, STEVE BUSHAKIS
PORTRAYED JAMES WHITMORE AS
HARRY TRUMAN, RAY HAUSER WAS
PORTRAYED JAMES WHITMORE AS
HARRY TRUMAN, RAY HAUSER WAS
PAUL ROBESON IN "THE LIVING
HARRY TRUMAN, RAY HAUSER WAS
PAUL ROBESON IN "THE LIVING
LEGEND," HELEN WAGNER WAS
PAUL ROBESON IN "THE LIVING
LEGEND," HELEN WAGNER WAS
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT IN "LIVING
LEGEND," HELEN WAGNER WAS
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT IN "LIVING
WITH F.D.R.," AND, OF COURSE,
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT IN "LIVING
WITH F.D.R.," AND, OF COURSE,
ROBERT VAUGHN, "AN EVENING WITH
WITH F.D.R.," AND, OF COURSE,
ROBERT VAUGHN, "AN EVENING WITH
EDGAR ALLAN POE," WAS OUR OWN
ROBERT VAUGHN, "AN EVENING WITH
EDGAR ALLAN POE," WAS OUR OWN
RONNIE BATEMAN.
EDGAR ALLAN POE," WAS OUR OWN
RONNIE BATEMAN.
THANK YOU, RONNIE.
RONNIE BATEMAN.
THANK YOU, RONNIE.
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON
THANK YOU, RONNIE.
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON
"BAD ONE-MAN THEATER" WHEN WE
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON
"BAD ONE-MAN THEATER" WHEN WE
PRESENT "ARLO GUTHRIE IS
"BAD ONE-MAN THEATER" WHEN WE
PRESENT "ARLO GUTHRIE IS
HIROHITO IN WORDS AND MUSIC."
PRESENT "ARLO GUTHRIE IS
HIROHITO IN WORDS AND MUSIC."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS
HIROHITO IN WORDS AND MUSIC."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL SAYING
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL SAYING
GOOD NIGHT UNTIL NEXT TIME.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
EDDIE MONEY.
["BABY HOLD ON" PLAYS]
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY, WHAT'S THESE THINGS
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY, WHAT'S THESE THINGS
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' ABOUT ME
♪ BABY, WHAT'S THESE THINGS
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' ABOUT ME
BEHIND MY BACK? ♪
YOU'VE BEEN SAYIN' ABOUT ME
BEHIND MY BACK? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU MIGHT WANT A
BEHIND MY BACK? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU MIGHT WANT A
BETTER LIFE? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU MIGHT WANT A
BETTER LIFE? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU THINK THESE
BETTER LIFE? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU THINK THESE
THINGS ARE LIES, NOW? ♪
♪ IS IT TRUE YOU THINK THESE
THINGS ARE LIES, NOW? ♪
♪ WON'T THINK ABOUT IT, BABY? ♪
THINGS ARE LIES, NOW? ♪
♪ WON'T THINK ABOUT IT, BABY? ♪
♪ I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE
♪ WON'T THINK ABOUT IT, BABY? ♪
♪ I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE
TOP ♪
♪ I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE
TOP ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪
TOP ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ NOW, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ LADY, YOU KNOW THE FUTURE'S
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ LADY, YOU KNOW THE FUTURE'S
LOOKIN' BRIGHTER EVERY MORNIN'
♪ LADY, YOU KNOW THE FUTURE'S
LOOKIN' BRIGHTER EVERY MORNIN'
WHEN I GET UP ♪
LOOKIN' BRIGHTER EVERY MORNIN'
WHEN I GET UP ♪
♪ DON'T BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT'S
WHEN I GET UP ♪
♪ DON'T BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT'S
NOT ENOUGH, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ DON'T BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT'S
NOT ENOUGH, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ JUST BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT WE
NOT ENOUGH, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ JUST BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT WE
GOT, NOW ♪
♪ JUST BE THINKING 'BOUT WHAT WE
GOT, NOW ♪
♪ WON'T YOU THINK OF ALL MY
GOT, NOW ♪
♪ WON'T YOU THINK OF ALL MY
LOVIN', NOW? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU THINK OF ALL MY
LOVIN', NOW? ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL I GOT ♪
LOVIN', NOW? ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL I GOT ♪
♪ YES, NOW ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL I GOT ♪
♪ YES, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ YES, NOW ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HEY, NOW ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HEY, NOW ♪
♪ TAKE A RICH MAN, TAKE A POOR
♪ HEY, NOW ♪
♪ TAKE A RICH MAN, TAKE A POOR
MAN, NOW ♪
♪ TAKE A RICH MAN, TAKE A POOR
MAN, NOW ♪
♪ REALLY DON'T MEAN ALL THAT
MAN, NOW ♪
♪ REALLY DON'T MEAN ALL THAT
MUCH ♪
♪ REALLY DON'T MEAN ALL THAT
MUCH ♪
♪ MY MAMA'S ALWAYS TOLD ME,
MUCH ♪
♪ MY MAMA'S ALWAYS TOLD ME,
YEAH, THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU
♪ MY MAMA'S ALWAYS TOLD ME,
YEAH, THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU
LOVE, NOW ♪
YEAH, THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU
LOVE, NOW ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
LOVE, NOW ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
♪ SO, BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE,
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
NOW ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ I SAID, WHOO ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ I SAID, WHOO ♪
♪ HOLD ON, NOW ♪
♪ I SAID, WHOO ♪
♪ HOLD ON, NOW ♪
♪ OOH, WON'T YOU HOLD ON TO ME
♪ HOLD ON, NOW ♪
♪ OOH, WON'T YOU HOLD ON TO ME
TIGHT, GIRL? ♪
♪ OOH, WON'T YOU HOLD ON TO ME
TIGHT, GIRL? ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪
TIGHT, GIRL? ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU PLEASE BELIEVE ME
♪ NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU NOW ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU PLEASE BELIEVE ME
NOW? ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU PLEASE BELIEVE ME
NOW? ♪
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO ♪
NOW? ♪
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TO ME TIGHTER ♪
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO ♪
♪ HOLD ON TO ME TIGHTER ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME, NOW ♪
♪ HOLD ON TO ME TIGHTER ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME, NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME, NOW ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ BABY, HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ THE FUTURE IS OURS TO SEE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HOLD ON! ♪
♪ WHEN YOU HOLD ON TO ME ♪
♪ HOLD ON! ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR
FAMILY, BUT HERE AT OUR HOUSE,
EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY IN
FAMILY, BUT HERE AT OUR HOUSE,
EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY IN
THE MORNING.
EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY IN
THE MORNING.
I'VE TRIED EVERY KIND OF INSTANT
THE MORNING.
I'VE TRIED EVERY KIND OF INSTANT
BREAKFAST... FLAKES, SHAKES,
I'VE TRIED EVERY KIND OF INSTANT
BREAKFAST... FLAKES, SHAKES,
POWDERS, AND BARS, BUT I COULD
BREAKFAST... FLAKES, SHAKES,
POWDERS, AND BARS, BUT I COULD
NEVER FIND A TRULY NUTRITIOUS
POWDERS, AND BARS, BUT I COULD
NEVER FIND A TRULY NUTRITIOUS
INSTANT BREAKFAST FAST ENOUGH
NEVER FIND A TRULY NUTRITIOUS
INSTANT BREAKFAST FAST ENOUGH
FOR MY ACTIVE FAMILY...
INSTANT BREAKFAST FAST ENOUGH
FOR MY ACTIVE FAMILY...
UNTIL I FOUND NUTRIFIX...
FOR MY ACTIVE FAMILY...
UNTIL I FOUND NUTRIFIX...
AMERICA'S FASTEST INSTANT
UNTIL I FOUND NUTRIFIX...
AMERICA'S FASTEST INSTANT
BREAKFAST.
AMERICA'S FASTEST INSTANT
BREAKFAST.
THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST COMES
BREAKFAST.
THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST COMES
WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE FLAVORED
THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST COMES
WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE FLAVORED
BREAKFAST CARTRIDGES... VANILLA,
WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE FLAVORED
BREAKFAST CARTRIDGES... VANILLA,
STRAWBERRY, CHOCOLATE, SWISS
BREAKFAST CARTRIDGES... VANILLA,
STRAWBERRY, CHOCOLATE, SWISS
MOCHA, AND LIME.
STRAWBERRY, CHOCOLATE, SWISS
MOCHA, AND LIME.
EACH CARTRIDGE CONTAINS MANY
MOCHA, AND LIME.
EACH CARTRIDGE CONTAINS MANY
ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS PLUS 1,000
EACH CARTRIDGE CONTAINS MANY
ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS PLUS 1,000
MILLIGRAMS OF DEXTROAMPHETAMINE
ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS PLUS 1,000
MILLIGRAMS OF DEXTROAMPHETAMINE
SULFATE FOR EXTRA PEP.
MILLIGRAMS OF DEXTROAMPHETAMINE
SULFATE FOR EXTRA PEP.
HI, MOM. GOT TO RUN.
SULFATE FOR EXTRA PEP.
HI, MOM. GOT TO RUN.
I'M LATE FOR THE SCHOOL BUS.
HI, MOM. GOT TO RUN.
I'M LATE FOR THE SCHOOL BUS.
NOT SO FAST, YOUNG LADY.
I'M LATE FOR THE SCHOOL BUS.
NOT SO FAST, YOUNG LADY.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT
NOT SO FAST, YOUNG LADY.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT
YOUR NUTRIFIX.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HERE WITHOUT
YOUR NUTRIFIX.
AAH!
YOUR NUTRIFIX.
AAH!
MMM, SWISS MOCHA.
AAH!
MMM, SWISS MOCHA.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
MMM, SWISS MOCHA.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
WHOO!
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
WHOO!
HEY, MOM. HIT ME UP.
WHOO!
HEY, MOM. HIT ME UP.
AAAAAAAH!
HEY, MOM. HIT ME UP.
AAAAAAAH!
OH, I LOVE NUTRIFIX.
AAAAAAAH!
OH, I LOVE NUTRIFIX.
I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE FOR
OH, I LOVE NUTRIFIX.
I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE FOR
LUNCH.
I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE FOR
LUNCH.
SINCE I'VE STARTED MY FAMILY
LUNCH.
SINCE I'VE STARTED MY FAMILY
ON THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST PLAN,
SINCE I'VE STARTED MY FAMILY
ON THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST PLAN,
THEY'VE COME TO DEPEND ON IT.
ON THE NUTRIFIX BREAKFAST PLAN,
THEY'VE COME TO DEPEND ON IT.
HI, HONEY.
THEY'VE COME TO DEPEND ON IT.
HI, HONEY.
HI.
HI, HONEY.
HI.
KIDS GET OFF OKAY?
HI.
KIDS GET OFF OKAY?
THEY SURE, DID, THANKS TO
KIDS GET OFF OKAY?
THEY SURE, DID, THANKS TO
NUTRIFIX.
THEY SURE, DID, THANKS TO
NUTRIFIX.
AAAH!
NUTRIFIX.
AAAH!
WHAT A RUSH.
AAAH!
WHAT A RUSH.
I'LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK
WHAT A RUSH.
I'LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK
WITHOUT USING MY CAR NOW.
I'LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK
WITHOUT USING MY CAR NOW.
GOODBYE, HONEY.
WITHOUT USING MY CAR NOW.
GOODBYE, HONEY.
I LIKE THIS PART THE BEST, WHEN
GOODBYE, HONEY.
I LIKE THIS PART THE BEST, WHEN
I CAN SIT DOWN ALL BY MYSELF AND
I LIKE THIS PART THE BEST, WHEN
I CAN SIT DOWN ALL BY MYSELF AND
HAVE MY OWN NUTRIFIX.
I CAN SIT DOWN ALL BY MYSELF AND
HAVE MY OWN NUTRIFIX.
AAAAAH!
HAVE MY OWN NUTRIFIX.
AAAAAH!
CHOCOLATE.
AAAAAH!
CHOCOLATE.
I THINK I'LL TRY THE STRAWBERRY.
CHOCOLATE.
I THINK I'LL TRY THE STRAWBERRY.
AAH!
I THINK I'LL TRY THE STRAWBERRY.
AAH!
OH, THE LIME...
AAH!
OH, THE LIME...
Announcer: GET YOUR FAMILY
OH, THE LIME...
Announcer: GET YOUR FAMILY
INTO THE NUTRIFIX HABIT.
Announcer: GET YOUR FAMILY
INTO THE NUTRIFIX HABIT.
NUTRIFIX INSTANT BREAKFAST
INTO THE NUTRIFIX HABIT.
NUTRIFIX INSTANT BREAKFAST
INJECTOR PLAN... IT'S THE
NUTRIFIX INSTANT BREAKFAST
INJECTOR PLAN... IT'S THE
BREAKFAST YOU BANG.
INJECTOR PLAN... IT'S THE
BREAKFAST YOU BANG.
FROM VITACORPS.
Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY SOLOMONEX... THE SLEEPING
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO
YOU BY SOLOMONEX... THE SLEEPING
PILL FOR WISE JEWISH KINGS.
YOU BY SOLOMONEX... THE SLEEPING
PILL FOR WISE JEWISH KINGS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
PILL FOR WISE JEWISH KINGS.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'LL BE DOING
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'LL BE DOING
THE NEWS STRAIGHT TONIGHT.
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'LL BE DOING
THE NEWS STRAIGHT TONIGHT.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
THE NEWS STRAIGHT TONIGHT.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... WELL,
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... WELL,
THOSE RUMORS HAVE BEEN
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... WELL,
THOSE RUMORS HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED.
THOSE RUMORS HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED.
CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE WILL
CONFIRMED.
CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE WILL
DEFINITELY REPLACE
CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE WILL
DEFINITELY REPLACE
CARROLL O'CONNOR NEXT SEASON AS
DEFINITELY REPLACE
CARROLL O'CONNOR NEXT SEASON AS
ARCHIE BUNKER ON "ALL IN THE
CARROLL O'CONNOR NEXT SEASON AS
ARCHIE BUNKER ON "ALL IN THE
FAMILY."
ARCHIE BUNKER ON "ALL IN THE
FAMILY."
SHOWN HERE GETTING A
FAMILY."
SHOWN HERE GETTING A
CONGRATULATORY KISS FROM
SHOWN HERE GETTING A
CONGRATULATORY KISS FROM
JEAN "EDITH BUNKER" STAPLETON,
CONGRATULATORY KISS FROM
JEAN "EDITH BUNKER" STAPLETON,
CRONKITE SAYS, "I'M SICK OF THE
JEAN "EDITH BUNKER" STAPLETON,
CRONKITE SAYS, "I'M SICK OF THE
NEWS.
CRONKITE SAYS, "I'M SICK OF THE
NEWS.
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ON
NEWS.
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ON
TELEVISION I CAN REALLY BELIEVE
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ON
TELEVISION I CAN REALLY BELIEVE
IN."
TELEVISION I CAN REALLY BELIEVE
IN."
UNRECOGNIZED BY MOST PEOPLE
IN."
UNRECOGNIZED BY MOST PEOPLE
SINCE HE'S GROWN A BEARD AND
UNRECOGNIZED BY MOST PEOPLE
SINCE HE'S GROWN A BEARD AND
WEARS GLASSES, FILM DIRECTOR
SINCE HE'S GROWN A BEARD AND
WEARS GLASSES, FILM DIRECTOR
ROMAN POLANSKI WAS SPOTTED BY
WEARS GLASSES, FILM DIRECTOR
ROMAN POLANSKI WAS SPOTTED BY
OUR ROVING "UPDATE" PHOTOGRAPHER
ROMAN POLANSKI WAS SPOTTED BY
OUR ROVING "UPDATE" PHOTOGRAPHER
DINING OUT IN A PARISIAN CAFE.
OUR ROVING "UPDATE" PHOTOGRAPHER
DINING OUT IN A PARISIAN CAFE.
ASKED ABOUT HIS COMPANION,
DINING OUT IN A PARISIAN CAFE.
ASKED ABOUT HIS COMPANION,
POLANSKI SAID THEY WERE JUST
ASKED ABOUT HIS COMPANION,
POLANSKI SAID THEY WERE JUST
GOOD FRIENDS.
POLANSKI SAID THEY WERE JUST
GOOD FRIENDS.
FRANK RIZZO ANNOUNCED THIS
GOOD FRIENDS.
FRANK RIZZO ANNOUNCED THIS
WEEK THAT HE WILL NOT SEEK
FRANK RIZZO ANNOUNCED THIS
WEEK THAT HE WILL NOT SEEK
RE-ELECTION AS MAYOR OF
WEEK THAT HE WILL NOT SEEK
RE-ELECTION AS MAYOR OF
PHILADELPHIA.
RE-ELECTION AS MAYOR OF
PHILADELPHIA.
RIZZO, WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
PHILADELPHIA.
RIZZO, WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
RUNNING A BRUTAL AND CORRUPT
RIZZO, WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
RUNNING A BRUTAL AND CORRUPT
POLICE FORCE AND A QUESTIONABLE
RUNNING A BRUTAL AND CORRUPT
POLICE FORCE AND A QUESTIONABLE
CITY GOVERNMENT, SAID HE'S TIRED
POLICE FORCE AND A QUESTIONABLE
CITY GOVERNMENT, SAID HE'S TIRED
OF BEING ATTACKED AND MALIGNED
CITY GOVERNMENT, SAID HE'S TIRED
OF BEING ATTACKED AND MALIGNED
AND WILL GO TO A PLACE WHERE HIS
OF BEING ATTACKED AND MALIGNED
AND WILL GO TO A PLACE WHERE HIS
TALENT IS MORE APPRECIATED.
AND WILL GO TO A PLACE WHERE HIS
TALENT IS MORE APPRECIATED.
THE MAYOR LEAVES FOR UGANDA IN
TALENT IS MORE APPRECIATED.
THE MAYOR LEAVES FOR UGANDA IN
JULY.
THE MAYOR LEAVES FOR UGANDA IN
JULY.
ACCORDING TO FORMER HIGH-LEVEL
JULY.
ACCORDING TO FORMER HIGH-LEVEL
OFFICIALS, THE CENTRAL
ACCORDING TO FORMER HIGH-LEVEL
OFFICIALS, THE CENTRAL
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY RECRUITED
OFFICIALS, THE CENTRAL
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY RECRUITED
AMERICAN BLACKS IN THE LATE '60s
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY RECRUITED
AMERICAN BLACKS IN THE LATE '60s
AND EARLY '70s TO SPY ON THE
AMERICAN BLACKS IN THE LATE '60s
AND EARLY '70s TO SPY ON THE
RADICAL BLACK PANTHER PARTY.
AND EARLY '70s TO SPY ON THE
RADICAL BLACK PANTHER PARTY.
JUST HOW THEY INFILTRATED THE
RADICAL BLACK PANTHER PARTY.
JUST HOW THEY INFILTRATED THE
PARTY WAS NOT EXPLAINED, BUT ONE
JUST HOW THEY INFILTRATED THE
PARTY WAS NOT EXPLAINED, BUT ONE
FORMER C.I.A. OPERATOR HINTED
PARTY WAS NOT EXPLAINED, BUT ONE
FORMER C.I.A. OPERATOR HINTED
THAT HIS COVER WAS SIMPLY POSING
FORMER C.I.A. OPERATOR HINTED
THAT HIS COVER WAS SIMPLY POSING
AS ELDRIDGE CLEAVER'S BEST
THAT HIS COVER WAS SIMPLY POSING
AS ELDRIDGE CLEAVER'S BEST
FRIEND.
AS ELDRIDGE CLEAVER'S BEST
FRIEND.
THE KENTUCKY STATE SENATE HAS
FRIEND.
THE KENTUCKY STATE SENATE HAS
PASSED A RESOLUTION RESCINDING
THE KENTUCKY STATE SENATE HAS
PASSED A RESOLUTION RESCINDING
THE PREVIOUS APPROVAL OF THE
PASSED A RESOLUTION RESCINDING
THE PREVIOUS APPROVAL OF THE
EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
THE PREVIOUS APPROVAL OF THE
EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
AT THE SAME TIME, OUR SOURCES
EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
AT THE SAME TIME, OUR SOURCES
REPORT A MEASURE WAS INTRODUCED
AT THE SAME TIME, OUR SOURCES
REPORT A MEASURE WAS INTRODUCED
WHICH WOULD BAR FILLIES FROM
REPORT A MEASURE WAS INTRODUCED
WHICH WOULD BAR FILLIES FROM
RUNNING IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY
WHICH WOULD BAR FILLIES FROM
RUNNING IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY
NEXT MONTH.
RUNNING IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY
NEXT MONTH.
THE FEMALE HORSES WOULD BE
NEXT MONTH.
THE FEMALE HORSES WOULD BE
ALLOWED INTO CHURCHILL DOWNS,
THE FEMALE HORSES WOULD BE
ALLOWED INTO CHURCHILL DOWNS,
BUT ONLY TO MAKE COFFEE FOR THE
ALLOWED INTO CHURCHILL DOWNS,
BUT ONLY TO MAKE COFFEE FOR THE
MALE HORSES.
BUT ONLY TO MAKE COFFEE FOR THE
MALE HORSES.
IN A RELATED STORY FROM
MALE HORSES.
IN A RELATED STORY FROM
KENTUCKY, THE
IN A RELATED STORY FROM
KENTUCKY, THE
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
KENTUCKY, THE
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
HORSE-BREEDING INDUSTRY
MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
HORSE-BREEDING INDUSTRY
WAS IN TROUBLE DUE TO AN
HORSE-BREEDING INDUSTRY
WAS IN TROUBLE DUE TO AN
OUTBREAK OF VENEREAL DISEASE IN
WAS IN TROUBLE DUE TO AN
OUTBREAK OF VENEREAL DISEASE IN
PRIZE RACEHORSES.
OUTBREAK OF VENEREAL DISEASE IN
PRIZE RACEHORSES.
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
PRIZE RACEHORSES.
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
VETERINARY EXPERTS DESCRIBE THE
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
VETERINARY EXPERTS DESCRIBE THE
SYMPTOMS OF THE EQUINE V.D. AS
VETERINARY EXPERTS DESCRIBE THE
SYMPTOMS OF THE EQUINE V.D. AS
"UNUSUAL SALIVATING, A
SYMPTOMS OF THE EQUINE V.D. AS
"UNUSUAL SALIVATING, A
DISCOLORATION OF THE EYES, AND
"UNUSUAL SALIVATING, A
DISCOLORATION OF THE EYES, AND
WHEN THE HORSE IS RUNNING, HE
DISCOLORATION OF THE EYES, AND
WHEN THE HORSE IS RUNNING, HE
GOES, 'CLIPPITY CLAP.'"
WHEN THE HORSE IS RUNNING, HE
GOES, 'CLIPPITY CLAP.'"
WELL, SOME MINERS HAVE
GOES, 'CLIPPITY CLAP.'"
WELL, SOME MINERS HAVE
RETURNED TO WORK, BUT
WELL, SOME MINERS HAVE
RETURNED TO WORK, BUT
RATIFICATION OF THE COAL
RETURNED TO WORK, BUT
RATIFICATION OF THE COAL
OPERATOR'S CONTRACT BY ALL THE
RATIFICATION OF THE COAL
OPERATOR'S CONTRACT BY ALL THE
STRIKING MINERS IS STILL AN
OPERATOR'S CONTRACT BY ALL THE
STRIKING MINERS IS STILL AN
ISSUE.
STRIKING MINERS IS STILL AN
ISSUE.
ALWAYS AT THE CORE OF THE
ISSUE.
ALWAYS AT THE CORE OF THE
DISPUTE HAVE BEEN THE UNHEALTHY
ALWAYS AT THE CORE OF THE
DISPUTE HAVE BEEN THE UNHEALTHY
AND OFTEN DANGEROUS CONDITIONS
DISPUTE HAVE BEEN THE UNHEALTHY
AND OFTEN DANGEROUS CONDITIONS
IN THE MINES.
AND OFTEN DANGEROUS CONDITIONS
IN THE MINES.
NOW WITH A LIVE, IN-DEPTH REPORT
IN THE MINES.
NOW WITH A LIVE, IN-DEPTH REPORT
IS "UPDATE'S" ROVING
NOW WITH A LIVE, IN-DEPTH REPORT
IS "UPDATE'S" ROVING
CORRESPONDENT, LARAINE NEWMAN,
IS "UPDATE'S" ROVING
CORRESPONDENT, LARAINE NEWMAN,
FROM GLEN ROCK, WEST VIRGINIA.
CORRESPONDENT, LARAINE NEWMAN,
FROM GLEN ROCK, WEST VIRGINIA.
LARAINE.
FROM GLEN ROCK, WEST VIRGINIA.
LARAINE.
DAN, I'M STANDING NEARLY
LARAINE.
DAN, I'M STANDING NEARLY
1,000 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE OF
DAN, I'M STANDING NEARLY
1,000 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE OF
THE GLEN ROCK MINE.
1,000 FEET BELOW THE SURFACE OF
THE GLEN ROCK MINE.
WITH ME IS FEDERAL MINE
THE GLEN ROCK MINE.
WITH ME IS FEDERAL MINE
INSPECTOR LESTER CRACKFIELD.
WITH ME IS FEDERAL MINE
INSPECTOR LESTER CRACKFIELD.
LESTER, YOU'VE JUST COMPLETED
INSPECTOR LESTER CRACKFIELD.
LESTER, YOU'VE JUST COMPLETED
YOUR INSPECTION OF THIS MINE.
LESTER, YOU'VE JUST COMPLETED
YOUR INSPECTION OF THIS MINE.
HOW DO YOU FIND IT?
YOUR INSPECTION OF THIS MINE.
HOW DO YOU FIND IT?
UH, WELL, MISS NEWMAN, IT'S A
HOW DO YOU FIND IT?
UH, WELL, MISS NEWMAN, IT'S A
SAFE MINE.
UH, WELL, MISS NEWMAN, IT'S A
SAFE MINE.
THERE'S VIRTUALLY NO...
UM...
WE, UH, WE SEEM TO BE HAVING
SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
WE, UH, WE SEEM TO BE HAVING
SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
PROBABLY SOMETHING ELECTRONIC
SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
PROBABLY SOMETHING ELECTRONIC
WITH LARAINE'S EQUIPMENT OR
PROBABLY SOMETHING ELECTRONIC
WITH LARAINE'S EQUIPMENT OR
SOMETHING.
WITH LARAINE'S EQUIPMENT OR
SOMETHING.
WE'LL GET BACK TO HER REPORT AS
SOMETHING.
WE'LL GET BACK TO HER REPORT AS
SOON AS WE CAN.
WE'LL GET BACK TO HER REPORT AS
SOON AS WE CAN.
BILLY CARTER CONTINUES TO MAKE
SOON AS WE CAN.
BILLY CARTER CONTINUES TO MAKE
BIG MONEY DOING PERSONAL
BILLY CARTER CONTINUES TO MAKE
BIG MONEY DOING PERSONAL
APPEARANCES, BUT HIS BEER IS A
BIG MONEY DOING PERSONAL
APPEARANCES, BUT HIS BEER IS A
BOMB.
APPEARANCES, BUT HIS BEER IS A
BOMB.
HOWEVER, THAT HASN'T STOPPED A
BOMB.
HOWEVER, THAT HASN'T STOPPED A
GROUP OF YOUNG REPUBLICANS FROM
HOWEVER, THAT HASN'T STOPPED A
GROUP OF YOUNG REPUBLICANS FROM
DEVELOPING A BEER NAMED AFTER
GROUP OF YOUNG REPUBLICANS FROM
DEVELOPING A BEER NAMED AFTER
DONALD NIXON, BROTHER OF
DEVELOPING A BEER NAMED AFTER
DONALD NIXON, BROTHER OF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
DONALD NIXON, BROTHER OF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
NEW DONALD BEER, EXPECTED TO BE
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
NEW DONALD BEER, EXPECTED TO BE
IN TEST MARKETS BY THE SPRING,
NEW DONALD BEER, EXPECTED TO BE
IN TEST MARKETS BY THE SPRING,
WILL BE ADVERTISED AS, "TO THE
IN TEST MARKETS BY THE SPRING,
WILL BE ADVERTISED AS, "TO THE
RIGHT OF LITE, AND THEN SOME."
WILL BE ADVERTISED AS, "TO THE
RIGHT OF LITE, AND THEN SOME."
RED CHINESE LEADER CHAIRMAN
RIGHT OF LITE, AND THEN SOME."
RED CHINESE LEADER CHAIRMAN
HUA KUA-FENG HAS JUST PUBLISHED
RED CHINESE LEADER CHAIRMAN
HUA KUA-FENG HAS JUST PUBLISHED
A BOOK OF HIS POETRY, AND OUR
HUA KUA-FENG HAS JUST PUBLISHED
A BOOK OF HIS POETRY, AND OUR
CORRESPONDENT IN THE PEOPLE'S
A BOOK OF HIS POETRY, AND OUR
CORRESPONDENT IN THE PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC HAS SENT US AN ADVANCED
CORRESPONDENT IN THE PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC HAS SENT US AN ADVANCED
COPY.
REPUBLIC HAS SENT US AN ADVANCED
COPY.
WE HAD ONE OF HIS POEMS
COPY.
WE HAD ONE OF HIS POEMS
TRANSLATED, AND HERE IS A SAMPLE
WE HAD ONE OF HIS POEMS
TRANSLATED, AND HERE IS A SAMPLE
OF THE WRITINGS OF THIS
TRANSLATED, AND HERE IS A SAMPLE
OF THE WRITINGS OF THIS
COMMUNIST LEADER.
OF THE WRITINGS OF THIS
COMMUNIST LEADER.
THIS IS THE WISDOM OF THE
COMMUNIST LEADER.
THIS IS THE WISDOM OF THE
ORIENT.
THIS IS THE WISDOM OF THE
ORIENT.
"THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM
ORIENT.
"THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM
PEKING WHO MARRIED A GIRL NAMED
"THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM
PEKING WHO MARRIED A GIRL NAMED
VERONICA.
PEKING WHO MARRIED A GIRL NAMED
VERONICA.
DA-DA-DA TA-DA,
VERONICA.
DA-DA-DA TA-DA,
DA-DA-DA TA-DA.
DA-DA-DA TA-DA,
DA-DA-DA TA-DA.
YOU PLAY IT JUST LIKE A
DA-DA-DA TA-DA.
YOU PLAY IT JUST LIKE A
HARMONICA."
YOU PLAY IT JUST LIKE A
HARMONICA."
THERE IS A MESSAGE THERE.
HARMONICA."
THERE IS A MESSAGE THERE.
IN LOS ANGELES TODAY, ACTOR
THERE IS A MESSAGE THERE.
IN LOS ANGELES TODAY, ACTOR
RICARDO MONTALBAN WAS KIDNAPPED
IN LOS ANGELES TODAY, ACTOR
RICARDO MONTALBAN WAS KIDNAPPED
BY A GANG OF ANGRY MIDGETS.
RICARDO MONTALBAN WAS KIDNAPPED
BY A GANG OF ANGRY MIDGETS.
MONTALBAN WAS RELEASED UNHARMED
BY A GANG OF ANGRY MIDGETS.
MONTALBAN WAS RELEASED UNHARMED
A SHORT TIME LATER WHEN THE
MONTALBAN WAS RELEASED UNHARMED
A SHORT TIME LATER WHEN THE
MIDGETS ADMITTED THAT THEY
A SHORT TIME LATER WHEN THE
MIDGETS ADMITTED THAT THEY
THOUGHT THEY'D KIDNAPPED
MIDGETS ADMITTED THAT THEY
THOUGHT THEY'D KIDNAPPED
COMPOSER/SINGER RANDY NEWMAN,
THOUGHT THEY'D KIDNAPPED
COMPOSER/SINGER RANDY NEWMAN,
WHO BEARS AN AMAZING RESEMBLANCE
COMPOSER/SINGER RANDY NEWMAN,
WHO BEARS AN AMAZING RESEMBLANCE
TO MONTALBAN FROM THE KNEES
WHO BEARS AN AMAZING RESEMBLANCE
TO MONTALBAN FROM THE KNEES
DOWN.
TO MONTALBAN FROM THE KNEES
DOWN.
WELL, AS APRIL 15th BEARS DOWN
DOWN.
WELL, AS APRIL 15th BEARS DOWN
ON US, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
WELL, AS APRIL 15th BEARS DOWN
ON US, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
BUSY FILING THEIR INCOME TAX
ON US, MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
BUSY FILING THEIR INCOME TAX
RETURNS.
BUSY FILING THEIR INCOME TAX
RETURNS.
SO NOW WITH A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO
RETURNS.
SO NOW WITH A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO
FILE IS UPDATE CONSUMER REPORTER
SO NOW WITH A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO
FILE IS UPDATE CONSUMER REPORTER
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
FILE IS UPDATE CONSUMER REPORTER
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
HI.
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
HI.
ROSEANNE, I IMAGINE THAT LOT
HI.
ROSEANNE, I IMAGINE THAT LOT
OF PEOPLE PAY TOO MUCH TAXES.
ROSEANNE, I IMAGINE THAT LOT
OF PEOPLE PAY TOO MUCH TAXES.
THEY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
OF PEOPLE PAY TOO MUCH TAXES.
THEY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO DEDUCT.
THEY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO DEDUCT.
AM I RIGHT?
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO DEDUCT.
AM I RIGHT?
RIGHT, JANE.
AM I RIGHT?
RIGHT, JANE.
LOTS OF PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW.
RIGHT, JANE.
LOTS OF PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW.
FOR EXAMPLE, MR. RICHARD FETTER
LOTS OF PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW.
FOR EXAMPLE, MR. RICHARD FETTER
WRITES, AND HE SAYS, "DEAR
FOR EXAMPLE, MR. RICHARD FETTER
WRITES, AND HE SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, LAST
WRITES, AND HE SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, LAST
YEAR, I LOST A LOT OF MONEY ON
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, LAST
YEAR, I LOST A LOT OF MONEY ON
DUMB INVESTMENTS.
YEAR, I LOST A LOT OF MONEY ON
DUMB INVESTMENTS.
CAN I CLAIM THESE LOSSES AS
DUMB INVESTMENTS.
CAN I CLAIM THESE LOSSES AS
DEDUCTIONS?"
CAN I CLAIM THESE LOSSES AS
DEDUCTIONS?"
MR. FETTER, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
DEDUCTIONS?"
MR. FETTER, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE
MR. FETTER, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE
ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE
ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO TALK TO THE TAX PEOPLE.
ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO TALK TO THE TAX PEOPLE.
AND I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD
HAD TO TALK TO THE TAX PEOPLE.
AND I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD
IMPRESSION, SO I PUT ON THIS
AND I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD
IMPRESSION, SO I PUT ON THIS
GREAT BLOUSE.
IMPRESSION, SO I PUT ON THIS
GREAT BLOUSE.
IT WAS WHITE, AND IT HAD RUFFLES
GREAT BLOUSE.
IT WAS WHITE, AND IT HAD RUFFLES
ALL AROUND IT.
IT WAS WHITE, AND IT HAD RUFFLES
ALL AROUND IT.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
ALL AROUND IT.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I GOT IT AT KORVETTE'S.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I GOT IT AT KORVETTE'S.
IT WAS REAL CHEAP.
I GOT IT AT KORVETTE'S.
IT WAS REAL CHEAP.
AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF
IT WAS REAL CHEAP.
AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF
POLYESTER.
AND IT WAS MADE OUT OF
POLYESTER.
ANYWAYS, I LOOKED TERRIFIC.
POLYESTER.
ANYWAYS, I LOOKED TERRIFIC.
I SAID TO MYSELF,
ANYWAYS, I LOOKED TERRIFIC.
I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, THESE
I SAID TO MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, THESE
GUYS WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU
"ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, THESE
GUYS WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU
WANT."
GUYS WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU
WANT."
BUT THEN I GET TO THE TAX
WANT."
BUT THEN I GET TO THE TAX
OFFICE, AND I NOTICE THIS KIND
BUT THEN I GET TO THE TAX
OFFICE, AND I NOTICE THIS KIND
OF WEIRD SMELL AROUND ME.
OFFICE, AND I NOTICE THIS KIND
OF WEIRD SMELL AROUND ME.
AND I KEEP SNIFFING AROUND AND
OF WEIRD SMELL AROUND ME.
AND I KEEP SNIFFING AROUND AND
SNIFFING AROUND, AND THEN THE
AND I KEEP SNIFFING AROUND AND
SNIFFING AROUND, AND THEN THE
CLERK AT THE TAX OFFICE IS
SNIFFING AROUND, AND THEN THE
CLERK AT THE TAX OFFICE IS
SNIFFING AROUND AND SNIFFING
CLERK AT THE TAX OFFICE IS
SNIFFING AROUND AND SNIFFING
AROUND.
SNIFFING AROUND AND SNIFFING
AROUND.
AND THE TWO OF US IS SNIFFING
AROUND.
AND THE TWO OF US IS SNIFFING
LIKE DOGS.
AND THE TWO OF US IS SNIFFING
LIKE DOGS.
AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
LIKE DOGS.
AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, DID
AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, DID
SOMETHING DIE ON YOU?"
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, DID
SOMETHING DIE ON YOU?"
WELL, THEN, I REALIZED THAT
SOMETHING DIE ON YOU?"
WELL, THEN, I REALIZED THAT
THESE POLYESTER BLOUSES ARE
WELL, THEN, I REALIZED THAT
THESE POLYESTER BLOUSES ARE
PRETTY CHEAP, BUT THEY GOT A BIG
THESE POLYESTER BLOUSES ARE
PRETTY CHEAP, BUT THEY GOT A BIG
PROBLEM.
PRETTY CHEAP, BUT THEY GOT A BIG
PROBLEM.
THEY RETAIN ODORS THAT HAVE
PROBLEM.
THEY RETAIN ODORS THAT HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...
THEY RETAIN ODORS THAT HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...
LIKE FROM SMOKING OR BUSES OR
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...
LIKE FROM SMOKING OR BUSES OR
OLD CHEESE.
LIKE FROM SMOKING OR BUSES OR
OLD CHEESE.
MY BLOUSE SMELLED LIKE
OLD CHEESE.
MY BLOUSE SMELLED LIKE
NEW JERSEY.
MY BLOUSE SMELLED LIKE
NEW JERSEY.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I'M
NEW JERSEY.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I'M
CLEAN.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I'M
CLEAN.
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
CLEAN.
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
I'D GET READY FOR SCHOOL, I'D
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
I'D GET READY FOR SCHOOL, I'D
LAY ALL MY CLOTHES OUT THE NIGHT
I'D GET READY FOR SCHOOL, I'D
LAY ALL MY CLOTHES OUT THE NIGHT
BEFORE, AND ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL,
LAY ALL MY CLOTHES OUT THE NIGHT
BEFORE, AND ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL,
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL NOT TO GET
BEFORE, AND ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL,
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL NOT TO GET
DIRTY, AND I WALK IN THE MIDDLE
I'D BE REAL CAREFUL NOT TO GET
DIRTY, AND I WALK IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE SIDEWALK JUST LIKE A
DIRTY, AND I WALK IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE SIDEWALK JUST LIKE A
LITTLE DOLL.
OF THE SIDEWALK JUST LIKE A
LITTLE DOLL.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
LITTLE DOLL.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
WHEN I GET TO CLASS, I SAT
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
WHEN I GET TO CLASS, I SAT
BEHIND THIS KID WHO NOBODY LIKED
WHEN I GET TO CLASS, I SAT
BEHIND THIS KID WHO NOBODY LIKED
BECAUSE HE SMELLED DIFFERENT
BEHIND THIS KID WHO NOBODY LIKED
BECAUSE HE SMELLED DIFFERENT
FROM EVERYBODY ELSE.
BECAUSE HE SMELLED DIFFERENT
FROM EVERYBODY ELSE.
WE HAD TO SIT IN ALPHABETICAL
FROM EVERYBODY ELSE.
WE HAD TO SIT IN ALPHABETICAL
ORDER, SO FOR EIGHT YEARS OF MY
WE HAD TO SIT IN ALPHABETICAL
ORDER, SO FOR EIGHT YEARS OF MY
LIFE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
ORDER, SO FOR EIGHT YEARS OF MY
LIFE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO SIT BEHIND
LIFE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA,
HAD TO SIT BEHIND
HERNANDO ROSEANNADANDO.
HAD TO SIT BEHIND
HERNANDO ROSEANNADANDO.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
HERNANDO ROSEANNADANDO.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SMELL
I COULDN'T WAIT TO GRADUATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SMELL
WAS, BUT EVERY TIME I WAS NEAR
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SMELL
WAS, BUT EVERY TIME I WAS NEAR
THIS GUY, I WANTED TO LIGHT A
WAS, BUT EVERY TIME I WAS NEAR
THIS GUY, I WANTED TO LIGHT A
MATCH.
THIS GUY, I WANTED TO LIGHT A
MATCH.
AND EVERY DAY, HERNANDO ATE THE
MATCH.
AND EVERY DAY, HERNANDO ATE THE
SAME LUNCH... AN EGG SALAD
AND EVERY DAY, HERNANDO ATE THE
SAME LUNCH... AN EGG SALAD
SANDWICH, A GREEN PEPPER, AND A
SAME LUNCH... AN EGG SALAD
SANDWICH, A GREEN PEPPER, AND A
PRETZEL.
SANDWICH, A GREEN PEPPER, AND A
PRETZEL.
WHEN HE'D GET TO SCHOOL IN THE
PRETZEL.
WHEN HE'D GET TO SCHOOL IN THE
MORNING, IT WAS OKAY, BUT AROUND
WHEN HE'D GET TO SCHOOL IN THE
MORNING, IT WAS OKAY, BUT AROUND
11:00, I COULD SMELL THOSE EGGS
MORNING, IT WAS OKAY, BUT AROUND
11:00, I COULD SMELL THOSE EGGS
THROUGH THE BROWN BAG THAT HAD A
11:00, I COULD SMELL THOSE EGGS
THROUGH THE BROWN BAG THAT HAD A
BIG WET CIRCLE ON THE BOTTOM.
THROUGH THE BROWN BAG THAT HAD A
BIG WET CIRCLE ON THE BOTTOM.
AND I'D SAY TO HIM, "HEY,
BIG WET CIRCLE ON THE BOTTOM.
AND I'D SAY TO HIM, "HEY,
HERNANDO HERNANNADANDO, GET THAT
AND I'D SAY TO HIM, "HEY,
HERNANDO HERNANNADANDO, GET THAT
LUNCH OUT OF HERE.
HERNANDO HERNANNADANDO, GET THAT
LUNCH OUT OF HERE.
IT'S MAKING ME SICK."
LUNCH OUT OF HERE.
IT'S MAKING ME SICK."
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME
IT'S MAKING ME SICK."
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME
SICK?
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME
SICK?
LIKE, DID YOU EVER SEE A HAIR ON
SICK?
LIKE, DID YOU EVER SEE A HAIR ON
A PIECE OF SOAP?
LIKE, DID YOU EVER SEE A HAIR ON
A PIECE OF SOAP?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
A PIECE OF SOAP?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
ABOUT?
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
I MEAN, WHAT DOES EGG SALAD OR
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
I MEAN, WHAT DOES EGG SALAD OR
HAIR ON A PIECE OF SOAP HAVE
I MEAN, WHAT DOES EGG SALAD OR
HAIR ON A PIECE OF SOAP HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAXES?
HAIR ON A PIECE OF SOAP HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAXES?
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAXES?
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.
SHOW YOU... IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.
LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
SOMETHING.
LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
HE'D SAY, "LITTLE
BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
HE'D SAY, "LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, ONCE
HE'D SAY, "LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, ONCE
UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, ONCE
UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A LITTLE
FAT RABBIT WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A LITTLE
FAT RABBIT WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
FRIENDS.
FAT RABBIT WHO DIDN'T HAVE ANY
FRIENDS.
ALL THE OTHER RABBITS WOULD GO
FRIENDS.
ALL THE OTHER RABBITS WOULD GO
RIGHT BY HIM... HOPPITY,
ALL THE OTHER RABBITS WOULD GO
RIGHT BY HIM... HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
RIGHT BY HIM... HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
AND HE'D SCREAM, 'HEY, RABBITS,
HOPPITY, HOPPITY, HOPPITY,
AND HE'D SCREAM, 'HEY, RABBITS,
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH ME?'
AND HE'D SCREAM, 'HEY, RABBITS,
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH ME?'
AND THEY SAID, 'NO WAY.'
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH ME?'
AND THEY SAID, 'NO WAY.'
WELL, THE RABBIT GOT VERY
AND THEY SAID, 'NO WAY.'
WELL, THE RABBIT GOT VERY
DEPRESSED, SO HE ASKED A WISE
WELL, THE RABBIT GOT VERY
DEPRESSED, SO HE ASKED A WISE
OLD OWL, 'WHY DON'T NOBODY PLAY
DEPRESSED, SO HE ASKED A WISE
OLD OWL, 'WHY DON'T NOBODY PLAY
WITH ME?'
OLD OWL, 'WHY DON'T NOBODY PLAY
WITH ME?'
AND THE OWL TOLD HIM, 'LITTLE
WITH ME?'
AND THE OWL TOLD HIM, 'LITTLE
RABBIT, THAT POLYESTER SHIRT
AND THE OWL TOLD HIM, 'LITTLE
RABBIT, THAT POLYESTER SHIRT
LOOKS GREAT, BUT IT MAKES YOU
RABBIT, THAT POLYESTER SHIRT
LOOKS GREAT, BUT IT MAKES YOU
SMELL LIKE NEW JERSEY.'
LOOKS GREAT, BUT IT MAKES YOU
SMELL LIKE NEW JERSEY.'
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
SMELL LIKE NEW JERSEY.'
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA."
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA."
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA."
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS"... KEEPING AMERICA
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS"... KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
NIGHT NEWS"... KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
CENTURY.
I'M JUST GOING TO SLEEP.
YOU CAN HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT IF
YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT.
YOU CAN HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT IF
YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT.
DAWN SOON.
YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT.
DAWN SOON.
AH, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE
DAWN SOON.
AH, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE
OUT THERE.
AH, THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE
OUT THERE.
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
OUT THERE.
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE'LL BE CROSSING OVER THE
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE'LL BE CROSSING OVER THE
ROCKIES SOON.
WE'LL BE CROSSING OVER THE
ROCKIES SOON.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
ROCKIES SOON.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT A
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT A
BUNCH OF BLURRY MOUNTAINS?
WHAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT A
BUNCH OF BLURRY MOUNTAINS?
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT... JUST LIKE
BUNCH OF BLURRY MOUNTAINS?
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT... JUST LIKE
EVERYTHING ELSE OUT WEST.
BIG DISAPPOINTMENT... JUST LIKE
EVERYTHING ELSE OUT WEST.
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE
EVERYTHING ELSE OUT WEST.
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE
GRAND CANYON?
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE
GRAND CANYON?
YEAH.
GRAND CANYON?
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS
IS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS
IS.
JUST A BIG OUT-OF-FOCUS HOLE IN
IS.
JUST A BIG OUT-OF-FOCUS HOLE IN
THE GROUND... ALL BLURRY AND
JUST A BIG OUT-OF-FOCUS HOLE IN
THE GROUND... ALL BLURRY AND
ALL.
THE GROUND... ALL BLURRY AND
ALL.
LET ME TELL YOU, I BEEN ALL OVER
ALL.
LET ME TELL YOU, I BEEN ALL OVER
THE WORLD.
LET ME TELL YOU, I BEEN ALL OVER
THE WORLD.
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A PLACE I
THE WORLD.
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A PLACE I
REALLY LIKED.
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A PLACE I
REALLY LIKED.
YOU KNOW, EGYPT, JAPAN, FRANCE.
REALLY LIKED.
YOU KNOW, EGYPT, JAPAN, FRANCE.
FRANCE!
YOU KNOW, EGYPT, JAPAN, FRANCE.
FRANCE!
OH, WHAT WAS FRANCE LIKE?
FRANCE!
OH, WHAT WAS FRANCE LIKE?
A BIG LETDOWN.
OH, WHAT WAS FRANCE LIKE?
A BIG LETDOWN.
[SIGHS]
A BIG LETDOWN.
[SIGHS]
I WAS IN PARIS, WENT TO THE
[SIGHS]
I WAS IN PARIS, WENT TO THE
LOUVRE.
I WAS IN PARIS, WENT TO THE
LOUVRE.
I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
LOUVRE.
I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.
I'LL TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.
JUST ONE OUT-OF-FOCUS SCULPTURE
THE BIG DEAL IS.
JUST ONE OUT-OF-FOCUS SCULPTURE
AFTER ANOTHER.
JUST ONE OUT-OF-FOCUS SCULPTURE
AFTER ANOTHER.
ROOMS AND ROOMS OF FUZZY
AFTER ANOTHER.
ROOMS AND ROOMS OF FUZZY
PAINTINGS.
ROOMS AND ROOMS OF FUZZY
PAINTINGS.
EVEN THE "MONA LISA"... JUST
PAINTINGS.
EVEN THE "MONA LISA"... JUST
LIKE ALL THE REST... ALL
EVEN THE "MONA LISA"... JUST
LIKE ALL THE REST... ALL
INDISTINCT AND BLURRY.
LIKE ALL THE REST... ALL
INDISTINCT AND BLURRY.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN?
INDISTINCT AND BLURRY.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN?
I MEAN, THE WOMEN IN FRANCE,
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN?
I MEAN, THE WOMEN IN FRANCE,
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST
I MEAN, THE WOMEN IN FRANCE,
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.
[SCOFFS]
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.
[SCOFFS]
AH, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
[SCOFFS]
AH, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
THEY'RE JUST LIKE WOMEN
AH, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
THEY'RE JUST LIKE WOMEN
EVERYWHERE... ALL FUZZY-LOOKING
THEY'RE JUST LIKE WOMEN
EVERYWHERE... ALL FUZZY-LOOKING
AND OUT-OF-FOCUS.
EVERYWHERE... ALL FUZZY-LOOKING
AND OUT-OF-FOCUS.
I'LL TELL YOU, THE ONLY
AND OUT-OF-FOCUS.
I'LL TELL YOU, THE ONLY
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I EVER SAW WAS
I'LL TELL YOU, THE ONLY
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I EVER SAW WAS
MY WIFE.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I EVER SAW WAS
MY WIFE.
I GOT A PICTURE OF HER.
MY WIFE.
I GOT A PICTURE OF HER.
I CARRY IT WHEREVER I GO.
I GOT A PICTURE OF HER.
I CARRY IT WHEREVER I GO.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
I CARRY IT WHEREVER I GO.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
THERE.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
THERE.
NOW, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
THERE.
NOW, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
OH.
NOW, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
IS SHE NO LONGER LIVING?
I'M SORRY.
IS SHE NO LONGER LIVING?
YEAH.
IS SHE NO LONGER LIVING?
YEAH.
SHE DIED IN A CAR CRASH.
YEAH.
SHE DIED IN A CAR CRASH.
I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF.
SHE DIED IN A CAR CRASH.
I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THE
I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THE
WORLD, THEN.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THE
WORLD, THEN.
YEP.
WORLD, THEN.
YEP.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
YEP.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
I'M KIND OF DISILLUSIONED.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
I'M KIND OF DISILLUSIONED.
I LOOK AROUND ME, AND THERE'S NO
I'M KIND OF DISILLUSIONED.
I LOOK AROUND ME, AND THERE'S NO
BEAUTY IN THE WORLD.
I LOOK AROUND ME, AND THERE'S NO
BEAUTY IN THE WORLD.
I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE.
BEAUTY IN THE WORLD.
I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE.
THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING BIG DEALS
I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE.
THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING BIG DEALS
OUT OF THINGS THAT DON'T WARRANT
THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING BIG DEALS
OUT OF THINGS THAT DON'T WARRANT
IT.
OUT OF THINGS THAT DON'T WARRANT
IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A
IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A
BAD-LOOKING MAN.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A
BAD-LOOKING MAN.
AH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
BAD-LOOKING MAN.
AH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
I'VE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.
AH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
I'VE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.
I KNOW I'M ALL ILL-DEFINED AND
I'VE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR.
I KNOW I'M ALL ILL-DEFINED AND
BLURRY.
I KNOW I'M ALL ILL-DEFINED AND
BLURRY.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
BLURRY.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
SEEING AN EYE DOCTOR?
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
SEEING AN EYE DOCTOR?
EYE DOCTOR?
SEEING AN EYE DOCTOR?
EYE DOCTOR?
YEAH.
EYE DOCTOR?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, TO CHECK YOUR EYES AND
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, TO CHECK YOUR EYES AND
PRESCRIBE GLASSES?
YOU KNOW, TO CHECK YOUR EYES AND
PRESCRIBE GLASSES?
GLASSES?
PRESCRIBE GLASSES?
GLASSES?
YEAH.
GLASSES?
YEAH.
LIKE THESE THAT I'M WEARING.
YEAH.
LIKE THESE THAT I'M WEARING.
I MEAN, WITHOUT THESE,
LIKE THESE THAT I'M WEARING.
I MEAN, WITHOUT THESE,
EVERYTHING IS BLURRY.
I MEAN, WITHOUT THESE,
EVERYTHING IS BLURRY.
BUT WITH THEM, EVERYTHING'S IN
EVERYTHING IS BLURRY.
BUT WITH THEM, EVERYTHING'S IN
FOCUS.
BUT WITH THEM, EVERYTHING'S IN
FOCUS.
ARE YOU PULLING MY LEG?
FOCUS.
ARE YOU PULLING MY LEG?
NO.
ARE YOU PULLING MY LEG?
NO.
HERE, HERE.
NO.
HERE, HERE.
JUST TRY THEM ON.
HERE, HERE.
JUST TRY THEM ON.
THERE.
JUST TRY THEM ON.
THERE.
EVERYTHING'S BLURRIER,
THERE.
EVERYTHING'S BLURRIER,
FUZZIER, EVEN MORE ILL-DEFINED!
EVERYTHING'S BLURRIER,
FUZZIER, EVEN MORE ILL-DEFINED!
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEED
FUZZIER, EVEN MORE ILL-DEFINED!
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEED
A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEED
A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT!
A DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTION.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT!
I THINK YOU'RE JUST PUTTING ME
I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT!
I THINK YOU'RE JUST PUTTING ME
ON ABOUT THESE... THESE GLASSES
I THINK YOU'RE JUST PUTTING ME
ON ABOUT THESE... THESE GLASSES
THINGS.
ON ABOUT THESE... THESE GLASSES
THINGS.
HERE.
THINGS.
HERE.
NO, I'M NOT.
HERE.
NO, I'M NOT.
AND I WAS GETTING TO LIKE
NO, I'M NOT.
AND I WAS GETTING TO LIKE
YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
AND I WAS GETTING TO LIKE
YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
FUZZY-LOOKING.
YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
FUZZY-LOOKING.
I'M GONNA SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
FUZZY-LOOKING.
I'M GONNA SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
WELL, I WAS ONLY TRYING TO
I'M GONNA SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
WELL, I WAS ONLY TRYING TO
HELP YOU WITH...
WELL, I WAS ONLY TRYING TO
HELP YOU WITH...
AH, IT'S NO USE.
HELP YOU WITH...
AH, IT'S NO USE.
IT'S NO USE.
AH, IT'S NO USE.
IT'S NO USE.
ONCE SOMEBODY LIES TO ME, I
IT'S NO USE.
ONCE SOMEBODY LIES TO ME, I
CAN'T TRUST THEM AGAIN.
ONCE SOMEBODY LIES TO ME, I
CAN'T TRUST THEM AGAIN.
HEH!
CAN'T TRUST THEM AGAIN.
HEH!
EXCUSE ME.
HEH!
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YEAH.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YEAH.
OH.
YEAH.
OH.
PARDON ME.
OH.
PARDON ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
PARDON ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YES.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
YES.
EXCUSE ME.
YES.
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
EXCUSE ME.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
NO.
SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
NO.
GOOD.
NO.
GOOD.
[SIGHS]
GOOD.
[SIGHS]
KIND OF A DISAPPOINTING TRIP,
[SIGHS]
KIND OF A DISAPPOINTING TRIP,
HUH?
♪ DA-DA-DUM ♪
♪ UP, UP, AND AWAY IN MY
BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL
♪ UP, UP, AND AWAY IN MY
BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL
BALLOON ♪
BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL
BALLOON ♪
♪ BALLO-O-O-O-ON ♪
BALLOON ♪
♪ BALLO-O-O-O-ON ♪
JANE NASH, LADIES AND
♪ BALLO-O-O-O-ON ♪
JANE NASH, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
JANE NASH, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
GENTLEMEN.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
ISN'T SHE TERRIFIC?
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER.
ISN'T SHE TERRIFIC?
NOW THAT YOU'VE MET HER... SHE'S
ISN'T SHE TERRIFIC?
NOW THAT YOU'VE MET HER... SHE'S
MY BETTER HALF.
NOW THAT YOU'VE MET HER... SHE'S
MY BETTER HALF.
STOP.
MY BETTER HALF.
STOP.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
STOP.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M RICHARD HERKIMAN, AND I'D
LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M RICHARD HERKIMAN, AND I'D
LIKE TO SEE IF WE CAN'T GET MY
I'M RICHARD HERKIMAN, AND I'D
LIKE TO SEE IF WE CAN'T GET MY
WIFE, JANE NASH, TO DO ONE MORE
LIKE TO SEE IF WE CAN'T GET MY
WIFE, JANE NASH, TO DO ONE MORE
NUMBER.
WIFE, JANE NASH, TO DO ONE MORE
NUMBER.
HOW ABOUT IT, JANE?
NUMBER.
HOW ABOUT IT, JANE?
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
HOW ABOUT IT, JANE?
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I'M TAKING A SHOWER.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I'M TAKING A SHOWER.
AH, COME ON.
I'M TAKING A SHOWER.
AH, COME ON.
I THINK YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
AH, COME ON.
I THINK YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
I THINK YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
♪ OUR LOVE WILL KEEP US
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
♪ OUR LOVE WILL KEEP US
TOGETHER ♪
♪ OUR LOVE WILL KEEP US
TOGETHER ♪
THANK YOU!
TOGETHER ♪
THANK YOU!
[HUMMING]
THANK YOU!
[HUMMING]
♪ THINK OF ME, BABY,
[HUMMING]
♪ THINK OF ME, BABY,
WHENEVER ♪
♪ THINK OF ME, BABY,
WHENEVER ♪
TAKE IT, JANE. COME ON.
WHENEVER ♪
TAKE IT, JANE. COME ON.
NO, I'M NOT.
TAKE IT, JANE. COME ON.
NO, I'M NOT.
♪ SOME SWEET-TALKING GUY
NO, I'M NOT.
♪ SOME SWEET-TALKING GUY
COMES ALONG ♪
♪ SOME SWEET-TALKING GUY
COMES ALONG ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STAY
COMES ALONG ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STAY
STRONG ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STAY
STRONG ♪
♪ JUST STOP ♪
STRONG ♪
♪ JUST STOP ♪
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
♪ JUST STOP ♪
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
♪ 'CAUSE I REALLY LOVE
WOULD YOU STOP IT, RICHARD?
♪ 'CAUSE I REALLY LOVE
YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I REALLY LOVE
YOU ♪
♪ STOP ♪
YOU ♪
♪ STOP ♪
STOP IT!
♪ STOP ♪
STOP IT!
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
STOP IT!
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
A VERY FUNNY GUY, AS A MATTER OF
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
A VERY FUNNY GUY, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
A VERY FUNNY GUY, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
HE JUST STOPPED BY ON HIS WAY TO
FACT.
HE JUST STOPPED BY ON HIS WAY TO
THE TRAIN... THE FUNNIEST GUY IN
HE JUST STOPPED BY ON HIS WAY TO
THE TRAIN... THE FUNNIEST GUY IN
THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AS A MATTER OF
THE TRAIN... THE FUNNIEST GUY IN
THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
OUR FRIEND, OUR NEXT-DOOR
FACT.
OUR FRIEND, OUR NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR, MORTY COONY.
OUR FRIEND, OUR NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR, MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN HERE, MORTY.
NEIGHBOR, MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN HERE, MORTY.
[SCREAMS]
COME ON IN HERE, MORTY.
[SCREAMS]
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
[SCREAMS]
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
HELLO, JANE.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
HELLO, JANE.
HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, JANE.
HOW ARE YOU?
MORTY, WHAT DID YOU DO?
HOW ARE YOU?
MORTY, WHAT DID YOU DO?
GOOD MORNING.
MORTY, WHAT DID YOU DO?
GOOD MORNING.
YOU FOLKS AT HOME DON'T
GOOD MORNING.
YOU FOLKS AT HOME DON'T
KNOW THIS, BUT MORTY'S WIFE
YOU FOLKS AT HOME DON'T
KNOW THIS, BUT MORTY'S WIFE
THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE A
KNOW THIS, BUT MORTY'S WIFE
THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE A
WEEK AGO.
THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE A
WEEK AGO.
HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND OUR
WEEK AGO.
HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND OUR
PLACE EVER SINCE, TELLING HIS
HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND OUR
PLACE EVER SINCE, TELLING HIS
JOKES.
PLACE EVER SINCE, TELLING HIS
JOKES.
HE'D LOVE TO TELL YOU A FEW.
JOKES.
HE'D LOVE TO TELL YOU A FEW.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THEM
HE'D LOVE TO TELL YOU A FEW.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THEM
BEFORE, BUT REMEMBER, IT'S MORTY
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD A FEW OF THEM
BEFORE, BUT REMEMBER, IT'S MORTY
SAYING THEM.
BEFORE, BUT REMEMBER, IT'S MORTY
SAYING THEM.
OKAY?
SAYING THEM.
OKAY?
LET'S HEAR IT FOR MORTY COONY.
OKAY?
LET'S HEAR IT FOR MORTY COONY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I... I NOTICED
LET'S HEAR IT FOR MORTY COONY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I... I NOTICED
ON THE WAY OVER HERE THAT
YOU KNOW WHAT I... I NOTICED
ON THE WAY OVER HERE THAT
IRV CROSS ACROSS THE STREET WAS
ON THE WAY OVER HERE THAT
IRV CROSS ACROSS THE STREET WAS
HAVING A GARAGE SALE.
IRV CROSS ACROSS THE STREET WAS
HAVING A GARAGE SALE.
DID YOU GO OVER AND BUY
HAVING A GARAGE SALE.
DID YOU GO OVER AND BUY
ANYTHING?
DID YOU GO OVER AND BUY
ANYTHING?
WHY SHOULD I?
ANYTHING?
WHY SHOULD I?
I ALREADY HAVE A GARAGE.
WHY SHOULD I?
I ALREADY HAVE A GARAGE.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I ALREADY HAVE A GARAGE.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I TOLD YOU... THAT IS
[BOTH LAUGH]
I TOLD YOU... THAT IS
HYSTERICAL.
I TOLD YOU... THAT IS
HYSTERICAL.
GARAGES... GARAGES ARE FUNNY.
HYSTERICAL.
GARAGES... GARAGES ARE FUNNY.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE IS SO MESSY,
GARAGES... GARAGES ARE FUNNY.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE IS SO MESSY,
THE OTHER DAY I WAS RUMMAGING
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE IS SO MESSY,
THE OTHER DAY I WAS RUMMAGING
AROUND THERE... I FOUND MY OLD
THE OTHER DAY I WAS RUMMAGING
AROUND THERE... I FOUND MY OLD
CAR.
AROUND THERE... I FOUND MY OLD
CAR.
[LAUGHTER]
CAR.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, MORTY!
[LAUGHTER]
OH, MORTY!
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
OH, MORTY!
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE ROOF IS
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE ROOF IS
LEAKING.
YOU KNOW, MY GARAGE ROOF IS
LEAKING.
SO THE ROOF HAD TO BE TARRED,
LEAKING.
SO THE ROOF HAD TO BE TARRED,
YOU KNOW?
SO THE ROOF HAD TO BE TARRED,
YOU KNOW?
I TOLD MY KID I'D GIVE HIM 30
YOU KNOW?
I TOLD MY KID I'D GIVE HIM 30
BUCKS TO PUT THE TAR ON THE
I TOLD MY KID I'D GIVE HIM 30
BUCKS TO PUT THE TAR ON THE
ROOF.
BUCKS TO PUT THE TAR ON THE
ROOF.
I COME HOME, AND THE JERK PUTS
ROOF.
I COME HOME, AND THE JERK PUTS
THE TA... CAR ON THE ROOF.
I COME HOME, AND THE JERK PUTS
THE TA... CAR ON THE ROOF.
[LAUGHTER]
THE TA... CAR ON THE ROOF.
[LAUGHTER]
THE CAR ON THE ROOF!
[LAUGHTER]
THE CAR ON THE ROOF!
OH, THANK YOU.
THE CAR ON THE ROOF!
OH, THANK YOU.
AM I KIDDING ABOUT THIS?
OH, THANK YOU.
AM I KIDDING ABOUT THIS?
GARAGES, WHAT ELSE?
AM I KIDDING ABOUT THIS?
GARAGES, WHAT ELSE?
GARAGES ARE SOMETHING.
GARAGES, WHAT ELSE?
GARAGES ARE SOMETHING.
AM I KIDDING?
GARAGES ARE SOMETHING.
AM I KIDDING?
HE'S FANTASTIC.
AM I KIDDING?
HE'S FANTASTIC.
HE'S FUNNY 24 HOURS A DAY.
HE'S FANTASTIC.
HE'S FUNNY 24 HOURS A DAY.
THAT'S A BIG COMPLIMENT, AND
HE'S FUNNY 24 HOURS A DAY.
THAT'S A BIG COMPLIMENT, AND
THE GARAGE JOKES... FUNNY
THAT'S A BIG COMPLIMENT, AND
THE GARAGE JOKES... FUNNY
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN LIVING IN OUR
THE GARAGE JOKES... FUNNY
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN LIVING IN OUR
GARAGE FOR THE LAST WEEK.
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN LIVING IN OUR
GARAGE FOR THE LAST WEEK.
IS THAT WHERE THAT CAME FROM?
GARAGE FOR THE LAST WEEK.
IS THAT WHERE THAT CAME FROM?
I GUESS COMEDY WORKS THAT WAY.
IS THAT WHERE THAT CAME FROM?
I GUESS COMEDY WORKS THAT WAY.
IT'S A STRANGE COMBINATION OF
I GUESS COMEDY WORKS THAT WAY.
IT'S A STRANGE COMBINATION OF
PAIN AND ENVIRONMENT.
IT'S A STRANGE COMBINATION OF
PAIN AND ENVIRONMENT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
PAIN AND ENVIRONMENT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
RICHARD, YOU'RE CERTAINLY
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
RICHARD, YOU'RE CERTAINLY
VERY CRUEL IN THE SHOWER.
RICHARD, YOU'RE CERTAINLY
VERY CRUEL IN THE SHOWER.
NOW, WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET
VERY CRUEL IN THE SHOWER.
NOW, WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET
ALL ABOUT IT, AND WHY DON'T I
NOW, WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET
ALL ABOUT IT, AND WHY DON'T I
MAKE YOU BREAKFAST, MORTY?
ALL ABOUT IT, AND WHY DON'T I
MAKE YOU BREAKFAST, MORTY?
JUST A MOMENT, JANE.
MAKE YOU BREAKFAST, MORTY?
JUST A MOMENT, JANE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR
JUST A MOMENT, JANE.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR
MIND ABOUT MY BEING CRUEL AND
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR
MIND ABOUT MY BEING CRUEL AND
ABOUT FIXING MORTY'S BREAKFAST
MIND ABOUT MY BEING CRUEL AND
ABOUT FIXING MORTY'S BREAKFAST
WHEN I TELL YOU... AND MORTY
ABOUT FIXING MORTY'S BREAKFAST
WHEN I TELL YOU... AND MORTY
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS... THAT
WHEN I TELL YOU... AND MORTY
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS... THAT
BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS... THAT
BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS
SOMEBODY WHO I THINK HAS
BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS
SOMEBODY WHO I THINK HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY TO MORTY.
SOMEBODY WHO I THINK HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY TO MORTY.
LET ME INTRODUCE A FRIEND AND A
SOMETHING TO SAY TO MORTY.
LET ME INTRODUCE A FRIEND AND A
NEIGHBOR... MRS. MORTY COONY.
LET ME INTRODUCE A FRIEND AND A
NEIGHBOR... MRS. MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN.
NEIGHBOR... MRS. MORTY COONY.
COME ON IN.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
COME ON IN.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
THANK YOU, JANE.
THANK YOU, RICHARD.
THANK YOU, JANE.
MORTY, I'VE COME TO ASK YOU TO
THANK YOU, JANE.
MORTY, I'VE COME TO ASK YOU TO
LEAVE THE HERKIMAN'S GARAGE AND
MORTY, I'VE COME TO ASK YOU TO
LEAVE THE HERKIMAN'S GARAGE AND
COME ON HOME.
LEAVE THE HERKIMAN'S GARAGE AND
COME ON HOME.
WE MISS YOU.
COME ON HOME.
WE MISS YOU.
REALLY?
WE MISS YOU.
REALLY?
AHH, JUDY.
REALLY?
AHH, JUDY.
AWW, RICHARD.
AHH, JUDY.
AWW, RICHARD.
[LAUGHS]
AWW, RICHARD.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, SOMEBODY BETTER FIX
[LAUGHS]
WELL, SOMEBODY BETTER FIX
BREAKFAST!
WELL, SOMEBODY BETTER FIX
BREAKFAST!
MORTY AND I HAVE TO CATCH
BREAKFAST!
MORTY AND I HAVE TO CATCH
THAT OLD 8:05.
MORTY AND I HAVE TO CATCH
THAT OLD 8:05.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND
THAT OLD 8:05.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND
GO TO WORK.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND
GO TO WORK.
SO JUST REMEMBER TO...
GO TO WORK.
SO JUST REMEMBER TO...
♪ LOOK IN YOUR HEART AND... ♪
SO JUST REMEMBER TO...
♪ LOOK IN YOUR HEART AND... ♪
All: ♪ LET LOVE
♪ LOOK IN YOUR HEART AND... ♪
All: ♪ LET LOVE
KEEP US TOGETHER ♪
YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE THIS,
BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
EVER DONE THIS IN A MOTEL.
BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
EVER DONE THIS IN A MOTEL.
I MEAN, I JUST SPLIT WITH MY OLD
EVER DONE THIS IN A MOTEL.
I MEAN, I JUST SPLIT WITH MY OLD
MAN, AND WE WERE REALLY TIGHT.
I MEAN, I JUST SPLIT WITH MY OLD
MAN, AND WE WERE REALLY TIGHT.
THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE TONIGHT
MAN, AND WE WERE REALLY TIGHT.
THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE TONIGHT
IS THAT I THINK YOU'RE REALLY...
THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE TONIGHT
IS THAT I THINK YOU'RE REALLY...
SPECIAL.
IS THAT I THINK YOU'RE REALLY...
SPECIAL.
SPECIAL?
OH!
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE
FROM FRANCE BEFORE.
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE
FROM FRANCE BEFORE.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE
FROM FRANCE BEFORE.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE
THINGS AGAIN?
HEY, WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE
THINGS AGAIN?
SENSO RINGS.
THINGS AGAIN?
SENSO RINGS.
SENSO RINGS.
SENSO RINGS.
SENSO RINGS.
YEAH, WOW!
SENSO RINGS.
YEAH, WOW!
WELL, ANYWAY, THEY MADE IT
YEAH, WOW!
WELL, ANYWAY, THEY MADE IT
REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, ANYWAY, THEY MADE IT
REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
I MEAN, REALLY DIFFERENT.
REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
I MEAN, REALLY DIFFERENT.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BELDAR?
I MEAN, REALLY DIFFERENT.
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BELDAR?
ARE YOU SPLITTING ON ME OR WHAT?
HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BELDAR?
ARE YOU SPLITTING ON ME OR WHAT?
PRYMAAT MUST NOT DISCOVER
ARE YOU SPLITTING ON ME OR WHAT?
PRYMAAT MUST NOT DISCOVER
THAT A HUMAN HAS ADMINISTERED
PRYMAAT MUST NOT DISCOVER
THAT A HUMAN HAS ADMINISTERED
THE SENSO RINGS.
THAT A HUMAN HAS ADMINISTERED
THE SENSO RINGS.
OH, PRYMAAT.
THE SENSO RINGS.
OH, PRYMAAT.
I BET THAT'S YOUR OLD LADY, HUH?
OH, PRYMAAT.
I BET THAT'S YOUR OLD LADY, HUH?
CORRECT.
I BET THAT'S YOUR OLD LADY, HUH?
CORRECT.
SHE IS MY SPOUSAL UNIT, CHOSEN
CORRECT.
SHE IS MY SPOUSAL UNIT, CHOSEN
BY THE LARTHRON SPHERES OF
SHE IS MY SPOUSAL UNIT, CHOSEN
BY THE LARTHRON SPHERES OF
MYPZOR.
BY THE LARTHRON SPHERES OF
MYPZOR.
YEAH, YEAH.
MYPZOR.
YEAH, YEAH.
I HAD A HEAVY THING HAPPENING
YEAH, YEAH.
I HAD A HEAVY THING HAPPENING
WITH MY OLD MAN, TOO.
I HAD A HEAVY THING HAPPENING
WITH MY OLD MAN, TOO.
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE WON'T SEE
WITH MY OLD MAN, TOO.
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE WON'T SEE
EACH OTHER TILL OUR NEXT DRIVING
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE WON'T SEE
EACH OTHER TILL OUR NEXT DRIVING
LESSON, HUH?
EACH OTHER TILL OUR NEXT DRIVING
LESSON, HUH?
CORRECT.
LESSON, HUH?
CORRECT.
COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP
CORRECT.
COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP
SOME OLD STORY FOR YOUR OLD
COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP
SOME OLD STORY FOR YOUR OLD
LADY, YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD
SOME OLD STORY FOR YOUR OLD
LADY, YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER?
LADY, YOU KNOW, SO WE COULD
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER?
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER?
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG
RISK.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG
RISK.
NO, FOOLISH ONE!
RISK.
NO, FOOLISH ONE!
PRYMAAT AND I ARE THE
NO, FOOLISH ONE!
PRYMAAT AND I ARE THE
TIMEKEEPERS OF REMULAC.
PRYMAAT AND I ARE THE
TIMEKEEPERS OF REMULAC.
WE MUST FULFILL OUR MISSION TO
TIMEKEEPERS OF REMULAC.
WE MUST FULFILL OUR MISSION TO
SEIZE AND ESTABLISH YOUR
WE MUST FULFILL OUR MISSION TO
SEIZE AND ESTABLISH YOUR
MISERABLE LITTLE PLANET AS A
SEIZE AND ESTABLISH YOUR
MISERABLE LITTLE PLANET AS A
MINOR REFUELING STATION FOR THE
MISERABLE LITTLE PLANET AS A
MINOR REFUELING STATION FOR THE
HIGH MASTER'S STAR CRUISERS.
MINOR REFUELING STATION FOR THE
HIGH MASTER'S STAR CRUISERS.
BESIDES, IF SHE FOUND OUT, SHE'D
HIGH MASTER'S STAR CRUISERS.
BESIDES, IF SHE FOUND OUT, SHE'D
KILL ME.
BESIDES, IF SHE FOUND OUT, SHE'D
KILL ME.
OKAY, BELDAR.
KILL ME.
OKAY, BELDAR.
THAT'S COOL.
OKAY, BELDAR.
THAT'S COOL.
AT LEAST LET ME SLIP YOU ONE
THAT'S COOL.
AT LEAST LET ME SLIP YOU ONE
BEFORE YOU GO.
AT LEAST LET ME SLIP YOU ONE
BEFORE YOU GO.
[GRUNTS]
BEFORE YOU GO.
[GRUNTS]
[MOANS]
MOMMY, I WISH TO CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES IMMEDIATELY.
MY HUMAN FRIEND WILL BE HERE TO
QUANTITIES IMMEDIATELY.
MY HUMAN FRIEND WILL BE HERE TO
TAKE ME TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE.
MY HUMAN FRIEND WILL BE HERE TO
TAKE ME TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE.
DRIVE-IN MOVIE?
TAKE ME TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE.
DRIVE-IN MOVIE?
DRIVE-IN MOVIE... A
DRIVE-IN MOVIE?
DRIVE-IN MOVIE... A
TWO-DIMENSIONAL NIGHT PROJECTION
DRIVE-IN MOVIE... A
TWO-DIMENSIONAL NIGHT PROJECTION
OF PSYCHOSEXUAL RELEASE THEMES
TWO-DIMENSIONAL NIGHT PROJECTION
OF PSYCHOSEXUAL RELEASE THEMES
VIEWED FROM INSIDE INTERNAL
OF PSYCHOSEXUAL RELEASE THEMES
VIEWED FROM INSIDE INTERNAL
COMBUSTION VEHICLES.
VIEWED FROM INSIDE INTERNAL
COMBUSTION VEHICLES.
AH!
COMBUSTION VEHICLES.
AH!
I REMEMBER WHEN BELDAR WOULD
AH!
I REMEMBER WHEN BELDAR WOULD
TAKE ME TO VIEW IGNODRAY
I REMEMBER WHEN BELDAR WOULD
TAKE ME TO VIEW IGNODRAY
FORMATIONS UNDER THE AZIDE POOLS
TAKE ME TO VIEW IGNODRAY
FORMATIONS UNDER THE AZIDE POOLS
ON REMULAC.
FORMATIONS UNDER THE AZIDE POOLS
ON REMULAC.
YES, YES. I KNOW.
ON REMULAC.
YES, YES. I KNOW.
YOU'VE SHOWN ME YOUR MEMORY
YES, YES. I KNOW.
YOU'VE SHOWN ME YOUR MEMORY
CRYSTAL.
YOU'VE SHOWN ME YOUR MEMORY
CRYSTAL.
I MUST GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND
CRYSTAL.
I MUST GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND
PREPARE MY CONE FOR MY DATE.
HELLO, HONEY.
I'M HOME.
WHAT'S FOR MASS CONSUMPTION?
WHAT'S THIS?
CAN'T YOU EVEN TOUCH CONES WHEN
WHAT'S THIS?
CAN'T YOU EVEN TOUCH CONES WHEN
YOU COME HOME NOW?
CAN'T YOU EVEN TOUCH CONES WHEN
YOU COME HOME NOW?
SORRY.
YOU COME HOME NOW?
SORRY.
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
THE PREDESIGNATED TIME
COORDINATE FOR THE EVENING MASS
CONSUMPTION HAS LONG SINCE
PASSED.
PLEASE COMMUNICATE THE REASON
FOR YOUR DELAY.
A LARGE METEORITE FELL FROM
THE SKY.
I STOPPED TO EXAMINE IT.
YES, THAT'S IT.
A LARGE METEORITE.
THAT'S THE THIRD METEORITE
THIS MONTH.
BELDAR!
THE SENSO RINGS!
YOU HAVE REMOVED THEM FROM OUR
SLEEP CHAMBER!
UNACCEPTABLE!
NO!
THERE ARE RED MARKINGS ON
YOUR CONE!
UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE!
YOU HAVE BEEN WITH A HUMAN!
MIPS! MIPS!
HUMAN?
SENSO RINGS?
MIPS! MIPS!
SILENCE!
OUR YOUNG ONE APPROACHES.
SHE MUST NOT KNOW.
HI, DADDY.
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
LET US CONSUME MASS
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
LET US CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE
LET US CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE
MEAL.
QUANTITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE
MEAL.
I HAVE PREPARED BUFFET-STYLE.
MEAL.
I HAVE PREPARED BUFFET-STYLE.
AH!
I HAVE PREPARED BUFFET-STYLE.
AH!
INSECT-REPELLANT STRIPS AND
AH!
INSECT-REPELLANT STRIPS AND
FIBERGLASS INSULATION.
PASS THE FIBERGLASS.
MIPS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BITE MY
MIPS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BITE MY
CONE OFF!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BITE MY
CONE OFF!
HEAVY VIBES TONIGHT.
CONE OFF!
HEAVY VIBES TONIGHT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HEAVY VIBES TONIGHT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT IS MY HUMAN DATE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT IS MY HUMAN DATE.
I AM GLAD HE HAS ARRIVED.
HI, RONNIE.
YOU HAVE MET MY PARENTAL UNITS.
HI, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD.
YOU HAVE MET MY PARENTAL UNITS.
HI, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD.
WE MET BEFORE.
HI, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD.
WE MET BEFORE.
COME ON, I'M RONNIE GETSETTER.
WE MET BEFORE.
COME ON, I'M RONNIE GETSETTER.
GREETINGS.
COME ON, I'M RONNIE GETSETTER.
GREETINGS.
WE INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS
GREETINGS.
WE INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES.
WE INVITE YOU TO CONSUME MASS
QUANTITIES.
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
QUANTITIES.
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
PETROLEUM INSECT STRIPS,
WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
PETROLEUM INSECT STRIPS,
FIBERGLASS INSULATION, AND BEER.
PETROLEUM INSECT STRIPS,
FIBERGLASS INSULATION, AND BEER.
I JUST ATE BEFORE I CAME
FIBERGLASS INSULATION, AND BEER.
I JUST ATE BEFORE I CAME
OVER, THANKS.
I JUST ATE BEFORE I CAME
OVER, THANKS.
BUT I WILL HAVE SOME OF THIS
OVER, THANKS.
BUT I WILL HAVE SOME OF THIS
BEER IF YOU DON'T MIND.
BUT I WILL HAVE SOME OF THIS
BEER IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES...
BEER IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES...
FINALLY GONNA SEE
WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES...
FINALLY GONNA SEE
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS."
FINALLY GONNA SEE
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS."
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"?
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS."
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"?
YEAH, IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS"?
YEAH, IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT
UFOs.
YEAH, IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT
UFOs.
UFOs?
UFOs.
UFOs?
[CONEHEADS LAUGH]
UFOs?
[CONEHEADS LAUGH]
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, PARENTAL
[CONEHEADS LAUGH]
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, PARENTAL
UNITS.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT, PARENTAL
UNITS.
SEE YOU.
UNITS.
SEE YOU.
THANKS FOR THE BREWSKI.
BELDAR, I UNDERSTAND PHYSICAL
URGES.
BUT OF ALL CREATURES, WHY A
HUMAN?
HOW COULD YOU?
I DON'T KNOW, PRYMAAT.
SOMETIMES, MY CONE HAS A MIND OF
ITS OWN.
AND I BEHAVE LIKE A COMMON
FLATRAC.
MIPS. MIPS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
GREETINGS.
PRYMAAT?
I WILL SUMMON HER.
PRYMAAT.
GREETINGS.
JERRY!
JERRY?
I INSTRUCTED YOU NEVER TO
CALL ME HERE.
MIPS! MIPS!
MIPS! JERRY! MIPS!
YOU ALSO HAVE BEEN WITH A HUMAN.
MIPS!
PRYMAAT, WE MUST RESIST THESE
HUMANS.
YES, I AGREE.
WE MUST REMEMBER HUMANS ARE
INFERIOR BEINGS.
THEY MUST NOT BE PERMITTED TO
INTERFERE WITH OUR MISSION.
CORRECT.
LET US SOLIDIFY OUR MATING.
BESIDES, NO ONE GIVES CONE LIKE
YOU.
OH, BELDAR.
I HAVEN'T HEARD YOU TALK THAT
WAY SINCE THE MOONS OF MYPZOR.
LET'S HONE OUR CONES RIGHT HERE
ON THE FLOOR.
I AGREE.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN, AND WELCOME TO
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," THE SHOW
I'M JANE CURTIN, AND WELCOME TO
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," THE SHOW
WHERE CELEBRITY GUESTS REVEAL
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," THE SHOW
WHERE CELEBRITY GUESTS REVEAL
THEIR MOST INTIMATE PROBLEMS IN
WHERE CELEBRITY GUESTS REVEAL
THEIR MOST INTIMATE PROBLEMS IN
FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH
THEIR MOST INTIMATE PROBLEMS IN
FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH
THE HOPE THAT OTHER CELEBRITIES
FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITH
THE HOPE THAT OTHER CELEBRITIES
WILL BENEFIT AND NOT RUIN THEIR
THE HOPE THAT OTHER CELEBRITIES
WILL BENEFIT AND NOT RUIN THEIR
LIVES.
WILL BENEFIT AND NOT RUIN THEIR
LIVES.
ON MY FAR RIGHT WE HAVE
LIVES.
ON MY FAR RIGHT WE HAVE
TONY ORLANDO, A RECENTLY
ON MY FAR RIGHT WE HAVE
TONY ORLANDO, A RECENTLY
DIAGNOSED MANIC-DEPRESSIVE WHO'S
TONY ORLANDO, A RECENTLY
DIAGNOSED MANIC-DEPRESSIVE WHO'S
IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A
DIAGNOSED MANIC-DEPRESSIVE WHO'S
IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A
COMEBACK AFTER FIVE LONG, LONELY
IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A
COMEBACK AFTER FIVE LONG, LONELY
WEEKS OF SEMIRETIREMENT.
COMEBACK AFTER FIVE LONG, LONELY
WEEKS OF SEMIRETIREMENT.
ROBERT BLAKE, A CHILD ACTOR IN
WEEKS OF SEMIRETIREMENT.
ROBERT BLAKE, A CHILD ACTOR IN
THE OLD "OUR GANG" COMEDIES AND,
ROBERT BLAKE, A CHILD ACTOR IN
THE OLD "OUR GANG" COMEDIES AND,
MOST RECENTLY, THE VERY
THE OLD "OUR GANG" COMEDIES AND,
MOST RECENTLY, THE VERY
SUCCESSFUL STAR OF "BARETTA."
MOST RECENTLY, THE VERY
SUCCESSFUL STAR OF "BARETTA."
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M LOONY,
SUCCESSFUL STAR OF "BARETTA."
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M LOONY,
AND THAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M LOONY,
AND THAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
TUNE.
AND THAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
TUNE.
WE ALSO HAVE WITH US
TUNE.
WE ALSO HAVE WITH US
CLAUDINE LONGET, A FORMER
WE ALSO HAVE WITH US
CLAUDINE LONGET, A FORMER
SINGER, FORMER WIFE OF A CURRENT
CLAUDINE LONGET, A FORMER
SINGER, FORMER WIFE OF A CURRENT
SINGER, AND FORMER GIRLFRIEND OF
SINGER, FORMER WIFE OF A CURRENT
SINGER, AND FORMER GIRLFRIEND OF
A LATE SKIER.
SINGER, AND FORMER GIRLFRIEND OF
A LATE SKIER.
WELCOME, CLAUDINE.
A LATE SKIER.
WELCOME, CLAUDINE.
[French accent] IT'S SO
WELCOME, CLAUDINE.
[French accent] IT'S SO
VERY NICE TO BE HERE.
[French accent] IT'S SO
VERY NICE TO BE HERE.
AND RICHARD PRYOR, A
VERY NICE TO BE HERE.
AND RICHARD PRYOR, A
BRILLIANT COMEDIAN, WHO, AT THE
AND RICHARD PRYOR, A
BRILLIANT COMEDIAN, WHO, AT THE
AGE OF 37, HAS HAD 5 WIVES AND
BRILLIANT COMEDIAN, WHO, AT THE
AGE OF 37, HAS HAD 5 WIVES AND
2 HEART ATTACKS.
AGE OF 37, HAS HAD 5 WIVES AND
2 HEART ATTACKS.
YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT
2 HEART ATTACKS.
YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT
ANY MORE OF EITHER.
YEAH, AND I DON'T WANT
ANY MORE OF EITHER.
TONY, EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW
ANY MORE OF EITHER.
TONY, EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW
HARD YOU TOOK THE DEATHS OF
TONY, EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW
HARD YOU TOOK THE DEATHS OF
FREDDIE PRINZE AND ELVIS PRESLEY
HARD YOU TOOK THE DEATHS OF
FREDDIE PRINZE AND ELVIS PRESLEY
AND BOBBY DARIN AND SAL MINEO
FREDDIE PRINZE AND ELVIS PRESLEY
AND BOBBY DARIN AND SAL MINEO
AND...
AND BOBBY DARIN AND SAL MINEO
AND...
BING CROSBY.
AND...
BING CROSBY.
YEAH, AND...
BING CROSBY.
YEAH, AND...
ZERO MOSTEL.
YEAH, AND...
ZERO MOSTEL.
UH-HUH.
ZERO MOSTEL.
UH-HUH.
JOHN DAVIDSON'S ARRANGER.
UH-HUH.
JOHN DAVIDSON'S ARRANGER.
BUT WHAT'S REALLY A SHOCK WAS MY
JOHN DAVIDSON'S ARRANGER.
BUT WHAT'S REALLY A SHOCK WAS MY
MOST RECENT PERSONAL TRAGEDIES,
BUT WHAT'S REALLY A SHOCK WAS MY
MOST RECENT PERSONAL TRAGEDIES,
JANE.
MOST RECENT PERSONAL TRAGEDIES,
JANE.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
JANE.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
THAT'S RIGHT.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN?
THAT'S RIGHT.
FIRST HIS DEATH, AND NOW THE
THAT'S RIGHT.
FIRST HIS DEATH, AND NOW THE
THEFT.
FIRST HIS DEATH, AND NOW THE
THEFT.
HIS DEATH WAS A TRAGEDY TO
THEFT.
HIS DEATH WAS A TRAGEDY TO
ALL OF US, TONY.
YEAH, BUT HE WAS MY NEW BEST
FRIEND, PRACTICALLY.
HE DIED IN MY ARMS ALMOST.
I ALMOST SAID TO HIM, "HEY,
LITTLE TRAMP, DON'T DIE ON ME.
IT'S ORLANDO."
LITTLE TRAMP, DON'T DIE ON ME.
IT'S ORLANDO."
I'M VERY SORRY.
IT'S ORLANDO."
I'M VERY SORRY.
I'LL NEVER FORGER WHAT HE
I'M VERY SORRY.
I'LL NEVER FORGER WHAT HE
SAID TO ME.
I'LL NEVER FORGER WHAT HE
SAID TO ME.
MY GOD, WHEN I THINK OF THIS.
SAID TO ME.
MY GOD, WHEN I THINK OF THIS.
YOU MEAN HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA
MY GOD, WHEN I THINK OF THIS.
YOU MEAN HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA
DIE?
YOU MEAN HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA
DIE?
YEAH, HE KNEW.
DIE?
YEAH, HE KNEW.
HEAVY.
YEAH, HE KNEW.
HEAVY.
HE EVEN TOLD ME THE
HEAVY.
HE EVEN TOLD ME THE
PALLBEARERS HE WANTED.
HE EVEN TOLD ME THE
PALLBEARERS HE WANTED.
HE WANTED JIMMY STEWART,
PALLBEARERS HE WANTED.
HE WANTED JIMMY STEWART,
JIM MITCHUM, JIM BROWN,
HE WANTED JIMMY STEWART,
JIM MITCHUM, JIM BROWN,
JIM PIERSALL, JIM WEBB,
JIM MITCHUM, JIM BROWN,
JIM PIERSALL, JIM WEBB,
JACK WEBB, JACK JONES, AND ME.
JIM PIERSALL, JIM WEBB,
JACK WEBB, JACK JONES, AND ME.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW CHAPLIN.
JACK WEBB, JACK JONES, AND ME.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW CHAPLIN.
WHEN I WAS IN THE
YOU KNOW, I KNEW CHAPLIN.
WHEN I WAS IN THE
"LITTLE RASCALS," WE USED TO EAT
WHEN I WAS IN THE
"LITTLE RASCALS," WE USED TO EAT
LUNCH IN THE COMMISSARY, AND
"LITTLE RASCALS," WE USED TO EAT
LUNCH IN THE COMMISSARY, AND
MR. CHAPLIN WOULD COME BY.
LUNCH IN THE COMMISSARY, AND
MR. CHAPLIN WOULD COME BY.
IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT, MAN.
MR. CHAPLIN WOULD COME BY.
IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT, MAN.
THERE WAS MR. CHAPLIN,
IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT, MAN.
THERE WAS MR. CHAPLIN,
BUCKWHEAT, ALFALFA, SPANKY,
THERE WAS MR. CHAPLIN,
BUCKWHEAT, ALFALFA, SPANKY,
DARLA, BUTCH, AND ME.
BUCKWHEAT, ALFALFA, SPANKY,
DARLA, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
DARLA, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH, STYMIE, TOO... YEAH.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH, STYMIE, TOO... YEAH.
GOOD. GOOD.
OH, STYMIE, TOO... YEAH.
GOOD. GOOD.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
GOOD. GOOD.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
NAH, THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM
HIS EYE?
NAH, THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM
INTO THE COMMISSARY.
NAH, THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM
INTO THE COMMISSARY.
IT'S ROUGH, MAN.
INTO THE COMMISSARY.
IT'S ROUGH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE A FEW
IT'S ROUGH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE A FEW
DINEROS.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE A FEW
DINEROS.
YOU GET TO BE A HOT CAT ON THE
DINEROS.
YOU GET TO BE A HOT CAT ON THE
LOT.
YOU GET TO BE A HOT CAT ON THE
LOT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A DOG TO
LOT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A DOG TO
HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A DOG TO
HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.
MAN.
HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.
MAN.
ROBERT, YOU SOUND BITTER.
MAN.
ROBERT, YOU SOUND BITTER.
SURE I'M BITTER, MAN.
ROBERT, YOU SOUND BITTER.
SURE I'M BITTER, MAN.
MY HEART'S BREAKING.
SURE I'M BITTER, MAN.
MY HEART'S BREAKING.
HEY, LOOK.
MY HEART'S BREAKING.
HEY, LOOK.
I GOT NO SECRETS.
HEY, LOOK.
I GOT NO SECRETS.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME, AND
I GOT NO SECRETS.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME, AND
IT WASN'T HER FAULT.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME, AND
IT WASN'T HER FAULT.
I BLEW IT.
HONEY, YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY.
I HAD A DECISION TO MAKE.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN PUBLIC LIFE,
YOUR LIFE IS YOUR PUBLIC, YOUR
PUBLIC IS YOUR LIFE, AND YOUR
LIFE IS PUBLIC, AND THE PUBLIC
IS MONEY, AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT
TO THE BANK.
BOBBY, DON'T BE SO HARD ON
YOURSELF.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS
YOURSELF.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS
THAT WE LATER REGRET.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS
THAT WE LATER REGRET.
TAKE RICHARD, FOR INSTANCE.
THAT WE LATER REGRET.
TAKE RICHARD, FOR INSTANCE.
RICHARD, YOU RECENTLY CHASED
TAKE RICHARD, FOR INSTANCE.
RICHARD, YOU RECENTLY CHASED
TWO OF YOUR FIFTH WIFE'S FRIENDS
RICHARD, YOU RECENTLY CHASED
TWO OF YOUR FIFTH WIFE'S FRIENDS
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND THEN
TWO OF YOUR FIFTH WIFE'S FRIENDS
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND THEN
RIDDLED THEIR ABANDONED CARS
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND THEN
RIDDLED THEIR ABANDONED CARS
WITH BULLETS.
YEAH, I WAS UP ALL NIGHT, YOU
KNOW?
I WASN'T FEELING LIKE MYSELF,
YOU KNOW?
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY IT WAS
NERVES.
HEY, MAN.
NERVES.
HEY, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
HEY, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS, MAN.
COME CLEAN.
WE ALL GOT PROBLEMS, MAN.
COME CLEAN.
WE'RE ADMITTING THEM.
COME CLEAN.
WE'RE ADMITTING THEM.
YOU KNOW, TONY, CLAUDINE, ME...
WE'RE ADMITTING THEM.
YOU KNOW, TONY, CLAUDINE, ME...
WE'RE ALL STARS.
YOU KNOW, TONY, CLAUDINE, ME...
WE'RE ALL STARS.
WE'RE ALL SCREWED UP.
YOU KNOW, RICHARD, SOME
PEOPLE EVEN FEEL THAT IF YOU ARE
ANGRY AND THINGS ARE BUILDING UP
INSIDE OF YOU, THE BEST THING TO
DO IS TO ACCIDENTLY SHOOT
SOMEONE IN THE STOMACH.
UH, I ONLY SHOOT CARS.
I DON'T PEOPLE IN THE STOMACH.
I MEAN, LIKE, I'M DOING FINE.
I DON'T PEOPLE IN THE STOMACH.
I MEAN, LIKE, I'M DOING FINE.
REALLY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, LIKE, I'M DOING FINE.
REALLY, YOU KNOW?
I CAN COPE.
REALLY, YOU KNOW?
I CAN COPE.
I SAID, "COPE," TONY, WITH A
I CAN COPE.
I SAID, "COPE," TONY, WITH A
"P," YOU KNOW?
I SAID, "COPE," TONY, WITH A
"P," YOU KNOW?
WELL, RICHARD, MAYBE YOU
"P," YOU KNOW?
WELL, RICHARD, MAYBE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND OR RECOGNIZE
WELL, RICHARD, MAYBE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND OR RECOGNIZE
YOUR OWN SYMPTOMS.
DON'T UNDERSTAND OR RECOGNIZE
YOUR OWN SYMPTOMS.
TONY, DID YOU RECOGNIZE YOUR
YOUR OWN SYMPTOMS.
TONY, DID YOU RECOGNIZE YOUR
SYMPTOMS RIGHT AWAY?
TONY, DID YOU RECOGNIZE YOUR
SYMPTOMS RIGHT AWAY?
IS MANIC DEPRESSION REALLY JUST
SYMPTOMS RIGHT AWAY?
IS MANIC DEPRESSION REALLY JUST
UPS AND DOWNS LIKE
IS MANIC DEPRESSION REALLY JUST
UPS AND DOWNS LIKE
JOYCE BROTHERS SAYS?
UPS AND DOWNS LIKE
JOYCE BROTHERS SAYS?
WELL, JANE, I'VE ALWAYS
JOYCE BROTHERS SAYS?
WELL, JANE, I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED YOU, AND YOU'RE PARTLY
WELL, JANE, I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED YOU, AND YOU'RE PARTLY
RIGHT.
ADMIRED YOU, AND YOU'RE PARTLY
RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S
OH, THANK YOU.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S
PSYCHOLOGICAL, BUT IT'S ONLY
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S
PSYCHOLOGICAL, BUT IT'S ONLY
PARTLY.
PSYCHOLOGICAL, BUT IT'S ONLY
PARTLY.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS
PARTLY.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS
PEOPLE WERE MANIC-DEPRESSIVES?
DID YOU KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS
PEOPLE WERE MANIC-DEPRESSIVES?
ABE LINCOLN, TEDDY ROOSEVELT,
PEOPLE WERE MANIC-DEPRESSIVES?
ABE LINCOLN, TEDDY ROOSEVELT,
CHURCHILL, ALL PAINTERS AND
ABE LINCOLN, TEDDY ROOSEVELT,
CHURCHILL, ALL PAINTERS AND
ARTISTS, VAN GOGH, BUCKWHEAT,
CHURCHILL, ALL PAINTERS AND
ARTISTS, VAN GOGH, BUCKWHEAT,
SPANKY, BUTCH, AND ME.
ARTISTS, VAN GOGH, BUCKWHEAT,
SPANKY, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
SPANKY, BUTCH, AND ME.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH... YEAH, STYMIE, TOO.
HOW ABOUT STYMIE?
OH... YEAH, STYMIE, TOO.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
OH... YEAH, STYMIE, TOO.
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HOW ABOUT PETEY, THE LITTLE
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
DOG WITH THE BLACK CIRCLE AROUND
HIS EYE?
NO, SOME ANIMALS CAN BE
HIS EYE?
NO, SOME ANIMALS CAN BE
MANIC-DEPRESSIVES, BUT I DON'T
NO, SOME ANIMALS CAN BE
MANIC-DEPRESSIVES, BUT I DON'T
THINK PETEY WAS.
MANIC-DEPRESSIVES, BUT I DON'T
THINK PETEY WAS.
LET'S SEE... WHO WAS IT?
THINK PETEY WAS.
LET'S SEE... WHO WAS IT?
IT WAS LASSIE, RIN TIN TIN,
LET'S SEE... WHO WAS IT?
IT WAS LASSIE, RIN TIN TIN,
FURY, MISTER ED, ED WYNN...
IT WAS LASSIE, RIN TIN TIN,
FURY, MISTER ED, ED WYNN...
I HATE TO BREAK UP THIS
FURY, MISTER ED, ED WYNN...
I HATE TO BREAK UP THIS
MARVELOUS DISCUSSION, BUT I'M
I HATE TO BREAK UP THIS
MARVELOUS DISCUSSION, BUT I'M
AFRAID OUR TIME IS UP.
MARVELOUS DISCUSSION, BUT I'M
AFRAID OUR TIME IS UP.
THANK YOU, STARS, FOR SHARING
AFRAID OUR TIME IS UP.
THANK YOU, STARS, FOR SHARING
SOME OF YOUR CELEBRATED PROBLEMS
THANK YOU, STARS, FOR SHARING
SOME OF YOUR CELEBRATED PROBLEMS
WITH US.
SOME OF YOUR CELEBRATED PROBLEMS
WITH US.
FROM ALL THE FOLKS HERE AT
WITH US.
FROM ALL THE FOLKS HERE AT
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," HAVE A GOOD
FROM ALL THE FOLKS HERE AT
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," HAVE A GOOD
NIGHT.
"CELEBRITY CRACKUP," HAVE A GOOD
NIGHT.
OH, AND PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK
NIGHT.
OH, AND PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK
WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE
OH, AND PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT WEEK
WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE
HAMILTON JORDAN, BELLA ABZUG,
WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE
HAMILTON JORDAN, BELLA ABZUG,
MUHAMMAD ALI, AND
HAMILTON JORDAN, BELLA ABZUG,
MUHAMMAD ALI, AND
THE FLYING WALLENDAS.
MUHAMMAD ALI, AND
THE FLYING WALLENDAS.
DID I SAY JIM PIERSALL?
THE FLYING WALLENDAS.
DID I SAY JIM PIERSALL?
YES, YOU DID.
DID I SAY JIM PIERSALL?
YES, YOU DID.
DID I SAY JIM WEBB?
YES, YOU DID.
DID I SAY JIM WEBB?
YEAH, YOU DID SAY JIM WEBB.
Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S
EDDIE MONEY.
["TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE"
EDDIE MONEY.
["TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE"
PLAYS]
♪ I'VE GOT A SURPRISE NOW
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT BOTH OF US HAVE
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT BOTH OF US HAVE
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT BOTH OF US HAVE
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WE'VE WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG, NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET!
I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
POCKET!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH OH-OH OH-OH ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH OH-OH OH-OH ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
♪ OH-OH-OH-OH OH-OH OH-OH ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
SO FAR FROM HERE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS IN MY
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
POCKET, BABY, WE'LL DISAPPEAR,
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG ♪
HOW LONG, NOW?
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'VE WAITED SO LONG ♪
HOW LONG, NOW?
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
HOW LONG, NOW?
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
YES, I DO.
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
YES, I DO.
♪ WAITED AND WAITED SO LONG,
YES, I DO.
♪ WAITED AND WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED AND WAITED SO LONG,
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW ♪
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS!
♪ WAITED SO LONG ♪
NOW I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
NOW I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS!
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO
PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT, NOW ♪
♪ WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS?
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT, NOW ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT, NOW ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
♪ TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY]
WHEN SOMEONE COMES TO YOUR
HOUSE AND TELLS YOU THIS
WHEN SOMEONE COMES TO YOUR
HOUSE AND TELLS YOU THIS
SEMI-FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE FIRST
HOUSE AND TELLS YOU THIS
SEMI-FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE FIRST
TIME HE EVER FRENCH-KISSED AND
SEMI-FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE FIRST
TIME HE EVER FRENCH-KISSED AND
YOU NOD REAL HARD ALL THROUGH IT
TIME HE EVER FRENCH-KISSED AND
YOU NOD REAL HARD ALL THROUGH IT
TO SHOW THAT THERE'S NO LITTLE
YOU NOD REAL HARD ALL THROUGH IT
TO SHOW THAT THERE'S NO LITTLE
DETAILS THAT YOU MISSED.
TO SHOW THAT THERE'S NO LITTLE
DETAILS THAT YOU MISSED.
AND YOU SAY "THAT'S HYSTERICAL"
DETAILS THAT YOU MISSED.
AND YOU SAY "THAT'S HYSTERICAL"
3,000 TIMES, AND YOU LAUGH IN
AND YOU SAY "THAT'S HYSTERICAL"
3,000 TIMES, AND YOU LAUGH IN
ALL THE FUNNY PLACES.
3,000 TIMES, AND YOU LAUGH IN
ALL THE FUNNY PLACES.
AND AT THE SERIOUS PARTS, YOU
ALL THE FUNNY PLACES.
AND AT THE SERIOUS PARTS, YOU
TRY TO MAKE THESE REAL SERIOUS
AND AT THE SERIOUS PARTS, YOU
TRY TO MAKE THESE REAL SERIOUS
FACES.
TRY TO MAKE THESE REAL SERIOUS
FACES.
♪ AND WHEN HE SAYS, "YOU LOOK
FACES.
♪ AND WHEN HE SAYS, "YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU WANT PIZZA," EVEN
♪ AND WHEN HE SAYS, "YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU WANT PIZZA," EVEN
THOUGH YOU DON'T, YOU LIE ♪
LIKE YOU WANT PIZZA," EVEN
THOUGH YOU DON'T, YOU LIE ♪
♪ AND YOU SAY, "SURE, WHY NOT?"
THOUGH YOU DON'T, YOU LIE ♪
♪ AND YOU SAY, "SURE, WHY NOT?"
WHEN HE SAYS, "HEY, YOU WANT TO
♪ AND YOU SAY, "SURE, WHY NOT?"
WHEN HE SAYS, "HEY, YOU WANT TO
GET HIGH?" ♪
WHEN HE SAYS, "HEY, YOU WANT TO
GET HIGH?" ♪
AND WHEN YOU REACH OVER FOR THE
GET HIGH?" ♪
AND WHEN YOU REACH OVER FOR THE
ASHTRAY REAL CASUAL, YOU LET
AND WHEN YOU REACH OVER FOR THE
ASHTRAY REAL CASUAL, YOU LET
YOUR BREAST BRUSH UP AGAINST HIS
ASHTRAY REAL CASUAL, YOU LET
YOUR BREAST BRUSH UP AGAINST HIS
THIGH AND YOU MAKE THIS REAL
YOUR BREAST BRUSH UP AGAINST HIS
THIGH AND YOU MAKE THIS REAL
CUTE, FUNNY THING OUT OF PICKING
THIGH AND YOU MAKE THIS REAL
CUTE, FUNNY THING OUT OF PICKING
ASHES THAT HE DROPPED OFF HIS
CUTE, FUNNY THING OUT OF PICKING
ASHES THAT HE DROPPED OFF HIS
FLY.
ASHES THAT HE DROPPED OFF HIS
FLY.
♪ AND WHEN HE WANTS TO WATCH
FLY.
♪ AND WHEN HE WANTS TO WATCH
"BARETTA" AND "THE PHILADELPHIA
♪ AND WHEN HE WANTS TO WATCH
"BARETTA" AND "THE PHILADELPHIA
STORY" IS ON CHANNEL 9, YOU... ♪
"BARETTA" AND "THE PHILADELPHIA
STORY" IS ON CHANNEL 9, YOU... ♪
TO BE NICE SAY, "'BARETTA'?
STORY" IS ON CHANNEL 9, YOU... ♪
TO BE NICE SAY, "'BARETTA'?
FINE.
TO BE NICE SAY, "'BARETTA'?
FINE.
♪ NOT JUST FINE, PERFECT ♪
FINE.
♪ NOT JUST FINE, PERFECT ♪
♪ I WAS ALSO IN A 'BARETTA'
♪ NOT JUST FINE, PERFECT ♪
♪ I WAS ALSO IN A 'BARETTA'
MOOD" ♪
♪ I WAS ALSO IN A 'BARETTA'
MOOD" ♪
I LOVE WATCHING THE BODIES JERK
MOOD" ♪
I LOVE WATCHING THE BODIES JERK
AFTER THE BULLETS HIT THEM.
I LOVE WATCHING THE BODIES JERK
AFTER THE BULLETS HIT THEM.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING NEXT TO
AFTER THE BULLETS HIT THEM.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING NEXT TO
FOOD.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING NEXT TO
FOOD.
AND IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
FOOD.
AND IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
YOU'RE FINDING OUT HOW STUPID
AND IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
YOU'RE FINDING OUT HOW STUPID
HIS HAIR LOOKS WHEN HE GETS OUT
YOU'RE FINDING OUT HOW STUPID
HIS HAIR LOOKS WHEN HE GETS OUT
OF THE SHOWER.
HIS HAIR LOOKS WHEN HE GETS OUT
OF THE SHOWER.
AND PRETTY SOON YOU DON'T EVEN
OF THE SHOWER.
AND PRETTY SOON YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TELL HIM TO PLEASE ORDER
AND PRETTY SOON YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TELL HIM TO PLEASE ORDER
YOU A WHISKEY SOUR.
HAVE TO TELL HIM TO PLEASE ORDER
YOU A WHISKEY SOUR.
AND YOU LAUGH WHEN HE TALKS LIKE
YOU A WHISKEY SOUR.
AND YOU LAUGH WHEN HE TALKS LIKE
DONALD DUCK AND AT JOKES THAT
AND YOU LAUGH WHEN HE TALKS LIKE
DONALD DUCK AND AT JOKES THAT
HE'S TOLD YOU BEFORE.
DONALD DUCK AND AT JOKES THAT
HE'S TOLD YOU BEFORE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM,
HE'S TOLD YOU BEFORE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM,
YOU STOP SECRETLY FEARING THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM,
YOU STOP SECRETLY FEARING THAT
HE'S GOING THROUGH YOUR
YOU STOP SECRETLY FEARING THAT
HE'S GOING THROUGH YOUR
UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
HE'S GOING THROUGH YOUR
UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
♪ AND YOU PAY ALL THIS ATTENTION
UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
♪ AND YOU PAY ALL THIS ATTENTION
TO HIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH ABOUT
♪ AND YOU PAY ALL THIS ATTENTION
TO HIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH ABOUT
HOW THEY'VE SCREWED UP OUR AIR ♪
TO HIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH ABOUT
HOW THEY'VE SCREWED UP OUR AIR ♪
♪ AND WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU POINT
HOW THEY'VE SCREWED UP OUR AIR ♪
♪ AND WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU POINT
TO HIS MOUTH AND SAY... ♪
♪ AND WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU POINT
TO HIS MOUTH AND SAY... ♪
"HEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.
TO HIS MOUTH AND SAY... ♪
"HEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.
IT'S HANGING RIGHT THERE."
"HEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.
IT'S HANGING RIGHT THERE."
AND ANOTHER THING...
IT'S HANGING RIGHT THERE."
AND ANOTHER THING...
♪ YOU'VE BOTH CONFESSED YOU BOTH
AND ANOTHER THING...
♪ YOU'VE BOTH CONFESSED YOU BOTH
ACTUALLY CRIED AT
♪ YOU'VE BOTH CONFESSED YOU BOTH
ACTUALLY CRIED AT
"FATHER KNOWS BEST" ♪
ACTUALLY CRIED AT
"FATHER KNOWS BEST" ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO CLOSE YOU REMEMBER
"FATHER KNOWS BEST" ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO CLOSE YOU REMEMBER
WHERE HE LEFT HIS LEFT GLOVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO CLOSE YOU REMEMBER
WHERE HE LEFT HIS LEFT GLOVE ♪
♪ AND IN BED, YOU FIND THESE
WHERE HE LEFT HIS LEFT GLOVE ♪
♪ AND IN BED, YOU FIND THESE
CLEVER THINGS TO SAY THAT DON'T
♪ AND IN BED, YOU FIND THESE
CLEVER THINGS TO SAY THAT DON'T
CONTAIN THE WORD "LOVE" ♪
CLEVER THINGS TO SAY THAT DON'T
CONTAIN THE WORD "LOVE" ♪
LIKE, "BECAUSE MY ARM'S ASLEEP,
CONTAIN THE WORD "LOVE" ♪
LIKE, "BECAUSE MY ARM'S ASLEEP,
THAT'S WHY."
LIKE, "BECAUSE MY ARM'S ASLEEP,
THAT'S WHY."
AND PRETTY SOON HE'S TELLING YOU
THAT'S WHY."
AND PRETTY SOON HE'S TELLING YOU
THESE STORIES ABOUT HOW, LATELY,
AND PRETTY SOON HE'S TELLING YOU
THESE STORIES ABOUT HOW, LATELY,
HE'S GETTING TO KNOW HIS FOLKS.
THESE STORIES ABOUT HOW, LATELY,
HE'S GETTING TO KNOW HIS FOLKS.
AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM THAT IT
HE'S GETTING TO KNOW HIS FOLKS.
AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM THAT IT
REALLY, TRULY UPSETS YOU THAT HE
AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM THAT IT
REALLY, TRULY UPSETS YOU THAT HE
SMOKES.
REALLY, TRULY UPSETS YOU THAT HE
SMOKES.
♪ BUT STILL ONE NIGHT, AS YOU
SMOKES.
♪ BUT STILL ONE NIGHT, AS YOU
CLEAN UP THE CHINESE FOOD AND
♪ BUT STILL ONE NIGHT, AS YOU
CLEAN UP THE CHINESE FOOD AND
THE COKES ♪
CLEAN UP THE CHINESE FOOD AND
THE COKES ♪
♪ IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO YOU THAT
THE COKES ♪
♪ IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO YOU THAT
HE DOESN'T GET 90% OF YOUR
♪ IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO YOU THAT
HE DOESN'T GET 90% OF YOUR
JOKES ♪
HE DOESN'T GET 90% OF YOUR
JOKES ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T CALL FOR THREE
JOKES ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T CALL FOR THREE
WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU HAD THAT
♪ AND HE DIDN'T CALL FOR THREE
WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU HAD THAT
COLD ♪
WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU HAD THAT
COLD ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T DISAGREE WHEN
COLD ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T DISAGREE WHEN
YOU SAID, "I'M STARTING TO LOOK
♪ AND HE DIDN'T DISAGREE WHEN
YOU SAID, "I'M STARTING TO LOOK
OLD" ♪
YOU SAID, "I'M STARTING TO LOOK
OLD" ♪
♪ AND HE ACTUALLY THINKS IT'S
OLD" ♪
♪ AND HE ACTUALLY THINKS IT'S
COOL TO SAY "CIAO" INSTEAD OF
♪ AND HE ACTUALLY THINKS IT'S
COOL TO SAY "CIAO" INSTEAD OF
"GOODBYE" ♪
COOL TO SAY "CIAO" INSTEAD OF
"GOODBYE" ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T EVEN THANK YOU
"GOODBYE" ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T EVEN THANK YOU
FOR THAT HILARIOUS ANTIQUE TIE ♪
♪ AND HE DIDN'T EVEN THANK YOU
FOR THAT HILARIOUS ANTIQUE TIE ♪
♪ HE'S COLD, HE'S INSENSITIVE,
FOR THAT HILARIOUS ANTIQUE TIE ♪
♪ HE'S COLD, HE'S INSENSITIVE,
IMMATURE, THE WORST YOU COULD
♪ HE'S COLD, HE'S INSENSITIVE,
IMMATURE, THE WORST YOU COULD
HAVE FOUND ♪
IMMATURE, THE WORST YOU COULD
HAVE FOUND ♪
♪ AND YOU REALIZE YOU LOVE HIM ♪
HAVE FOUND ♪
♪ AND YOU REALIZE YOU LOVE HIM ♪
♪ WHY? ♪
♪ AND YOU REALIZE YOU LOVE HIM ♪
♪ WHY? ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S AROUND ♪
♪ WHY? ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S AROUND ♪
[APPLAUSE]
WELL, THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH
AND THE CAST AND EDDIE MONEY.
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN... IT'S
AND THE CAST AND EDDIE MONEY.
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN... IT'S
BEEN GREAT BEING HERE, AND I'M
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN... IT'S
BEEN GREAT BEING HERE, AND I'M
STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT
BEEN GREAT BEING HERE, AND I'M
STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT
OPENING FOR THE NEXT TIME THAT I
STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT
OPENING FOR THE NEXT TIME THAT I
COME AND I'M ON THIS SHOW.
OPENING FOR THE NEXT TIME THAT I
COME AND I'M ON THIS SHOW.
OH, SEE... I'M QUICK, TOO.
COME AND I'M ON THIS SHOW.
OH, SEE... I'M QUICK, TOO.
SO, GOOD NIGHT.
OH, SEE... I'M QUICK, TOO.
SO, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
SO, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY
NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE
CHRISTOPHER LEE WITH MUSICAL
GUEST MEAT LOAF AND
RICHARD BELZER.
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS DON PARDO,
OR, AS I'M KNOWN ON
ST. PATRICK'S DAY,
DON O'PAR.
GOOD NIGHT.