Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 24 - The Camping Trip - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[CAR APPROACHING]

Hey, Pop, look at this, man.

This looks like the
perfect campsite.

Isn't it beautiful?

Yeah, this is really a
nice spot you picked here.

Well, here's your ducky. Bye.

Hey, wait a minute,
Pop. Now, come on, man.

Now, we both agreed

we were gonna stay
in the mountains,

just like we planned.



Now, let's set the
camp up, all right?

Here, take it easy.

Here we go.

Okay, welcome to Camp Freddie!

All those going home
in the red truck, fall in.

Come on, Pop, now you
gotta get in the spirit, man.

Now just take a look around you.

Look at those the
towering mountains.

Look at those swaying trees.

Look at this babbling son.

Pop, you gotta try
and appreciate nature

a little bit, like Joyce Kilmer.

Who is she?

She was a he.



Joyce was a he?

Yeah.

He wrote "Trees."

Did they write back?

No, no, Pop. See,
you don't understand.

He-he wrote the poem
"Trees." You remember?

I think I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree

A tree whose hungry
mouth Is pressed

Against the earth's
Sweet flowing breast

Sounds like Joyce
might have been a little...

Yeah, and then there
was Thoreau, Pop.

Who?

Yeah, the writer, Thoreau.

See, he left his
mark on the world.

Oh, yeah, the mark of Thoreau.

Zip, zip, zip.

No, no, no, no.

See, Henry David Thoreau...

He lived in solitude
for seven years,

and he wrote a poem
about Walden Pond.

Big deal.

My cousin, Ernie,

lived in solitude
for seven years.

He wrote a poem
about San Quentin.

Come on, Pop.

Stop being so negative, man.

Now, when we left
home, we both agreed...

We didn't agree on nothing.

That was you.

You insisted that we get away

so we have a
chance to talk together

like father and son
before you got married.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

Here's some father and son talk.

Okay.

Get your father
out of these woods.

Pop, the least you can do

is help me unload
the stuff from the truck.

If that's the least
I can do, I'll do it!

Perfect campsite here.

Even got a fireplace.

I don't care about...

Here. Here's your sleeping bag.

Where's the box
spring and mattress?

No, Pop, listen.

You're gonna love
sleeping on the ground

in this sleeping
bag, close to nature.

Speaking of nature...
where's the outhouse?

Anywhere you want it to be.

I want it to be in the bathroom.

No, see, you don't understand.

You're in the woods now, Pop,
and you gotta live like animals.

See, animals don't
use bathrooms.

Well, I do.

I'm not forest-broken.

Hey, wait a minute.
Who put this in here?

I put it in there.

Give it here. For what?

This is my snake-bite kit.

See, if a snake bites
me this weekend,

I'm gonna lay this
upside your copper head

and rattle it.

You get that?

Help me get the tent.

Tent?

I can't live in no
tent. I can't sleep in...

I gotta have something
more comfortable and roomy.

Pop, the thrill of camping
is learning to overcome

Mother Nature's
little challenges.

Now, look.

You read me the instructions,
and I'll set up the tent.

Okay.

You're gonna love it, Pop.

I know it.

I'm beginning to love it now.

Keep this tent away
from the heat, animals,

and the big dummy of the forest.

Pop, just read what the
instructions say, please.

Okay, okay.

If you follow these
instructions carefully,

even a small child
can assemble this tent.

Step one:

drive to Watts and
get a small child.

I'll see.

Pop, come on, man.

There, you see, Pop.

An hour of hard
work has paid off.

The tent looks terrific.

You know, Son, it
doesn't look too bad.

No. I told you, Pop.

Now, once we get
everything set up,

we're gonna have a
ball out here camping.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna go inside
and check it out.

Yeah, Son, you go on in there,

and I'll come in later.

Hey, Pop, you know,
it's really great in here.

Is it warm?

Would you get in here?

Well, okay, I'll try to look in.

Now, look at this.

Wait a minute. Hey,
this is really nice.

Isn't this nice?

It's great. It's really great.

We're gonna have
some fun in here. Yeah!

Will you... What
are you do... Oh, no!

Well, that's takes care of that.

I'll see you later, Pop.
Where are you going?

I'm going to get some
firewood for the fire.

No, Son, wait a minute.

Don't leave me out here
in this barren wilderness.

Now, just relax, Pop.

Now, I'll be right back.

Now, just enjoy the peacefulness

and the quietness and
the solitude of the forest.

I'll be right back.

Don't worry about a thing.

[BIRD CALLING]

[COOING]

[BIRD SQUAWKING LOUDLY]

[COYOTE HOWLING]

Come on out. I'm
not afraid of you.

Come on.

Come on out, I...

I'll float like a butterfly
and sting like a bee.

Nobody out in the
forest meaner than me.

Come on, elephants,
tigers, and gorillas.

I'll whip a hundred Godzillas.

Hey, Pop, I'm... [SCREAMS]

I'm sorry, Pop.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I just wanted your
help with the firewood.

You didn't scare me, Son.

Let me loosen my belt.

For what?

I think my heart
dropped in my drawers.

Just relax, Pop.

You're safe here with me.

Now get me a match
so I can start the fire.

You don't need no
match to start no fire.

All you have to do

is rub two pieces
of wood together.

Now, go over there

and rub your head
upside the tree!

I said I was sorry.

Now, I just wanted you to
come camping with me, Pop,

so we could be alone.

I mean, who knows?

Once I get married
and have a family,

and got all
responsibility of a family,

we might not be able to
spend any time like this alone.

Promise?

Why do we have to
argue all the time, Pop?

We don't argue all the time...

Only when we're together.

Well, why can't we talk like
normal fathers and sons?

Well, you start.

No, you start.

You start.

Why don't we talk
about the first time

I went camping.

Oh, yeah.

I'll never forget that night.

I was afraid you'd
be scared out there

sleeping in the
backyard all by yourself.

Yeah, I told you I
wasn't gonna be scared.

Well, woke up the
whole neighborhood

screaming,

"I'm afraid to sleep by myself.
I'm afraid to sleep by myself.

I'm afraid to sleep by myself!"

Yeah, and I had to
come in the house

and calm you down.

You always was a good son.

Yeah. You see, Pop,
that's what I miss.

We haven't talked
about things like this

in a long time.

Yeah, this is kind of nice.

Peaceful, sort of
relaxing... It's... it's...

It's a spider!

That's it. That's it.

That's as far as I'm going.

I'm going home in the morning.

I've had it!

Aw, come on, Pop.

Look, Pop, if you
wanna go home, it's okay.

I should have known better

than to think that we
could come out here

and spend a peaceful
weekend together.

Start the truck and
put this stuff on it.

I couldn't wait to get
out here in the woods,

now I can't wait to get
home. You're a pain...

I never should've
come here with you.

I don't care what you say.

Go camping with you!

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[ENGINE CONTINUES SPUTTERING]

Well, I got good news,
and I got bad news.

First, the bad news.

The truck won't start.

Well, what's the good news?

We'll always know where it is.

Son, if the truck won't start,

then... call the Auto Club.

Are you kidding me, Pop?

We're 50 miles from
the nearest telephone.

Well, don't use
the nearest phone.

Get one closer.

You don't even need a telephone.

Help.

[ECHOING]

Would you stop it?

We got food for
a couple of days.

There's plenty of
water in the brook.

It could be a lot
worse, you know.

Worse? That's right.

Look, we ain't got no truck,

we fighting this cold weather,

and there's hardly
any food at all.

Now, what could be worse?

Well, it could snow.

[WIND WHISTLING]

Uh-uh. Impossible.

Elizabeth, honey.

I'm coming to join you, baby.

I'll be the little white fella.

You catch anything?

Not even a nibble.

Yeah, you probably
scared 'em all the way

dressed like that.

You said there'd be
somebody here to help us.

That was two days ago.

Yeah, I know, Pop.

And we're out of food.

If we'd rationed the hot dogs
like we were supposed to,

we'd still have some food left.

Maybe some bear ate them.

Yeah, sure, some bear ate them.

If some bear ate them,

there wouldn't have been
a knife in the mustard jar.

Well, Son,

you know I can't miss
my midnight snack.

Now, what are we going to do?

I guess we'll
have to eat plants.

Good, good. We'll eat plants.

Are you crazy?

No, Pop, it says in
the camper's manual

that plants provide a
natural source of food.

I tell you, man, I'm starving.

I'm gonna try it.

I'm gonna try one
of these boys here.

Hey, that's not bad.

What does your camper's
manual say about dying?

Come on, Pop.
Stop talking like that.

Hey, listen, I saw a movie once

where two guys had a chance
to escape from Iwo Jima,

and one of them was a
young guy, and he was strong,

and the other guy
was old and weak.

Old man turns to the young man,

he said, "Listen...

"I know I'm slowing you down

"and I know you could make
it if I wasn't slowing you down,

so just leave me the
rifle and one bullet."

Pop...

And when the Japanese were
only about 100 yards away,

the young guy gave the old
man the rifle and one bullet,

and ran... and, Son,
I'm gonna tell you,

that young fella
hadn't got no more

than about 20 yards away

when he heard that rifle shoot.

The old man killed himself?

No, he shot the young
man in the behind.

We're gonna make
it out of here, Pop.

Listen, I know what.

While we're waiting,
why don't we, uh...

play a little cards?

That might, you know,

take our mind off the situation.

How about some gin?

You brought some along?

Oh, oh, gin! Yeah.

We'll play for $10 a point.

Ten dollars a point!

One of us should die rich.

Would you stop
talking like that?

You know, Son, while
you were gone fishing,

I got to thinking
about all the things

we've never said
to each other...

and if I die without
talking to you,

I'll feel awful.

Listen, Pop, we're
gonna make it out of here.

No, we're gonna die

without even knowing each other

because we don't talk.

We talk.

We talked a couple of weeks ago.

You gave me advice

on how to propose
to Janet, remember?

Don't talk about that now.

You know, you were real cute

in what you said, Pop,

and what you said
made a lot of sense.

I always make a lot of sense.

Yeah, I can see it now.

We were sitting at
the dinner table...

Well, Son. Tonight's
the big night, ain't it?

I bet you're really excited.

I'm excited, and
I'm nervous, Pop.

See, we're gonna go
back to Janet's apartment,

and I'm gonna pop
the big question,

and if she accepts, I'm
gonna buy the ring tomorrow.

Know what you're gonna say?

No, but I know I won't
get down on one knee,

because you know, I
don't like that corny stuff.

Well, when you get
back here tonight,

I got a big surprise for you.

A surprise?

Yeah, I can hardly wait.

Can I give you a
little bit of advice?

No. Good.

Now, when you ask
her, be tough, be firm.

Let her know who's
the boss right away.

Say, "Look, baby,

"you and I are getting engaged,

"and that's the way it is,

and we'll be that
way all the time."

Is that what you told Mom?

No, that's what
your mom told me.

That was something. Yeah.

And... And how about
the time I taught you

how to drive a car?

Yeah, even after the
second accident I had,

you made me get
right back in the car

and drive it
till I did it right.

Yeah, and when
you did do it right,

you'd driven through

the front wall of the
house four times.

You remember how
we laughed? Yeah.

It was Bubba's car
and Esther's house.

Well, I'll tell you
something, Pop.

There was something even weirder

than Bubba's car
in Esther's house.

What was that?

The time you brought that thing

into the house.

Sit down, Son, I got
a little surprise for you.

I don't want no surprises, Pop.

I'm starving. I've
been working all day.

I want food.

Pop, what's that horse
doing in the kitchen?

How should I know?

You saw him last.

You know, we sure have had

some crazy, dumb
times together, Pop.

Yeah, that's right.

They weren't all my fault.

Oh, I suppose some
of them were mine.

No, some of them
were nobody's fault.

I mean, you remember the time...

Oh, what's the matter, Pop?

I had a break-in.

Nobody broke in here.

Well, what is this, a
self-inflicted wound?

Well, there was a
small earthquake

last night,

and a few things
got shook around.

I must've slept
right through it.

Thank goodness, it
was just an earthquake.

What do you mean,
just an earthquake?

Well, just an earthquake.

This place is solid
as a rock, a fortress.

Like they say,

In time, the Rockies may
tumble Gibraltar might crumble

They're only made
of clay... but...

♪ My junk Is here to stay ♪

♪ Buh, buh ♪

[RUMBLING, GLASS BREAKING]

Help!

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[RUMBLING STOPS]

[COUGHS]

Well...

It's all over, Pop.
How do you feel?

Fine, thank you. How are you?

You know, Pop,

I guess the times
we remember most

were the times
we spent together.

You're right, Son. Yeah.

Gin! I got you.

Hey, wait a minute,

you're only supposed
to have 10 cards.

You've got over 30.

I got three gins, but
I'm only counting one.

Pop, did I ever tell you

the great job that you did in
bringing me up by yourself?

Well, thanks, Son, and
you did a great job too.

At what?

Getting me lost up
here in the Arctic!

Now get me out of here.

Come on, Pop. Don't give up.

I'm not gonna give up, Son.

You know, if we do die out here,

they might write
a song about us,

like Davy Crockett.

♪ Freddie, Freddie Sanford ♪

♪ Father Of this dummy here ♪

Hey, you know what?
Hey, wait a minute.

What are you... I got an idea.

What are you doing, Pop?

You know Robinson Crusoe?

He wrote a note
for help, and then...

Oh, here's that bottle I had.

And he put a note in the bottle

and threw it in the
ocean and help came.

What are you,
some kind of a nut?

The ocean is 50
miles away from here.

Might be a high tide tonight.

[BRANCHES CRACKING]

What's that? I don't know.

Oh! It worked, Son.

We've been saved!

Are you Lewis and Clark?

No.

Oh, it's the Red Cross.

I mean, are you
part of the party

that's looking for us?

I'm Ms. Barnes,

leader of Girl Scout
Troop number 104.

Girls!

This way!

Girl Scouts? Jeez.

You mean you're not part
of the team looking for us?

I don't know what you gentlemen

are talking about.

My girls and I...

are out on one of
our nature hikes,

and we accidentally
came across your camp.

I'm sorry if we disturbed you.

Oh, no, listen, you
didn't disturb us.

You saved us.

That's right. Oh.

Our truck won't start,
and we're out here

in the middle of this wilderness

with nothing but that
old measly tent there.

We got no food,
fighting cold weather

with all the strength
that's left... left in us.

You got any cookies?

Any Girl Scout can tell you,

the thrill of camping

is learning to
overcome the challenges

of Mother Nature.

Pop...

Mind if we take a
look at your truck?

Don't even bother. It's
not gonna do any good.

I checked it out.

There's nothing that
can be done for that truck.

FRED: We don't need no help.

I mean, remember, Son...

man is the king of the jungle.

That's what I thought.
We can handle it.

Well, if you can handle it,

why didn't you take a walk

to the other side of the hill?

The other side of the hill?

That's right.

Just about a
quarter mile that way

is a small town with telephones,

gas station, and a lodge.

But his map... [ENGINE STARTS]

Got your truck started.

Didn't really seem to
have anything wrong with it.

Maybe your
carburetor was flooded.

You little...

Yeah, I knew that all the time.

I just didn't have
the right tools.

Well, gentlemen,

it looks like the Girl Scouts

have saved the day once again.

Glad we could help
the kings of the jungle.

Why don't you go take a hike?

Girls, head 'em up.

Move 'em out.

You see that? A
town over the hill.

We starved for nothing.

Well, maybe it wasn't
for nothing, Pop.

Think of all the things
that we talked about, man,

the closeness
that we achieved...

Now, come on, Pop.
Wasn't it worth it?

You knew where we were
all the time, didn't you?

Be honest.

Yeah, I knew where we were,

but I didn't wanna tell you

because I wanted to spend
some time with you alone.

I thought so.

I thought... I thought
you knew all along.

I knew you knew
from the beginning.

Well, then if you knew,

why did you complain
about starving to death?

Well, that's my nature.

I mean, I was
never really starving.

You want a super burger?

See... Where did you get that?

Well, last night while
you were sleeping,

I sneaked into town and
got it at the coffee shop.

Yeah,

and they forgot to
put ketchup on it.

Oh, that's okay.

Take mine. I don't like ketchup.

Get in the truck!

Pack this stuff up, you dummy.

I love you too, Pop.

Help me load the truck,
and then we'll go home.

Well, listen, Son.
Wait a minute.

Huh? Loan me a dime.

For what?

I got to use the forest.

I was only kidding.
I'll be right back.

Oh, wonderful!

Ah, beau-ti-ful.

Ooh, how lovely!

What are you doing over there?

Will you keep your voice down?

Well, what are trying to do...

What do you wanna
do, wake up the forest?

You want to disturb
the squirrels?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about communing more

with nature, communicating
more with my son

and looking more
into the backyard...

of the Idlewild Nudist Colony.

[♪♪♪]