Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 23 - Sergeant Gork - full transcript
Fred regales young Roger with tall tales of his World war II exploits that draw more from the late movie than the history books.
[♪♪♪]
Crime rate, up 3%.
Robbery up 5%.
Burglary, up 8%.
I don't know what's
happening in the world today.
Murder, up 15%.
This is a hold-up!
Hey, how'd you get in here?
Listen, I don't have any money,
but I'm babysitting
for a 10-year-old kid
and you can have him
and his lunch money.
Just don't shoot me.
Hi, Grandpa Fred.
Good.
I was just playing
Cowboys and Indians.
That's great. I'll be
the Indian chief...
Chief Slap-Your-Fanny.
Don't never scare
me like that no more.
I'm sorry.
Hey, do you want to play
checkers or something?
No, I'm going
upstairs to take a nap.
Hey, but you're supposed
to be watching me
while Lamont is
out with the truck.
Look, son, if you want your
mother to marry Lamont,
that's okay.
And if you want to stay here
while your mother's away,
that's okay.
But if you're looking for
a kindly old grandfather,
turn on The Waltons.
But you told me
we were gonna
spend time together,
have fun.
Yeah, you pretend that
you're king of the junkyard
and you're buying and
selling your kingdom,
and you can start right now.
That sounds neat.
Right, and listen.
Don't wake me up,
because if you do,
I'll turn into a wicked
witch with a switch
and heat up your rear end.
King of the junkyard.
Hey... That looks interesting.
How much?
Well, those old medals...
About a quarter each.
You got a deal.
I've got to go to another yard.
I'll pick up the
stuff later, okay?
All right, peasant.
What?
Uh, sir.
Say, I heard the door slam.
Who was that?
Uh, the king just sold
a customer some junk.
I got $10 for that nice
lamp with the clock in it.
You got $10 for that old lamp?
Nice going, Roger. What else?
Well... just these
three old war medals.
I got rid of them
for a quarter each.
Just 25 cents?
Sure. They're little
and all bent up.
How would you like
to be little and bent up?
Twenty-five cents.
A measly quarter. I
mean, how could you?
Don't you know I
won those medals?
You did?
You heard of World War II?
Sure, Lamont says
that's you and Aunt Esther.
Sit down over there.
Now, see, this one right here...
Now, this is the Okra cluster
on a bronze fig leaf.
I got this one
for exceptional bravery
in the face of danger.
Tell me what happened.
No, I can't do that.
I'm too modest.
It all began in
England, in 1944.
[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS]
MAN: This is Yank
Infantry Officer,
Major Fred G. Sanford.
And the G stands for
guts, guts, and more guts.
Tough, hard-nosed, eagle-eyed.
A combat veteran...
But these secret orders
will test his bravery
and intelligence to the utmost.
Allied Intelligence
has picked this man
to lead a team
of thieves, killers,
and raving homicidal maniacs
behind German lines
on a suicide mission.
Suicide mission! Are you crazy?
Man, I'm not going
on no suicide mission.
The future of free
men everywhere
rests on this man's shoulders.
I'll gladly go on
this suicide mission,
and the next one.
His team will parachute
into occupied France,
try to sneak into
Nazi Headquarters,
which is surrounded
by the cream of the German army.
The odds of his
survival are 1,000 to 1.
But Major Sanford
doesn't even flinch
at these dangers...
And for this reason
he will be known
to Allied Intelligence
by the code name... Stupid.
[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS]
Hi, Pop. I'm home.
That's, "Hi, Pop,
I'm home, sir."
All right then, call
in the prisoners.
Bring in the prisoners!
Lieutenant, give me the rundown
on these three men
and tell the woman
to run down to a
plastic surgeon.
Well, this first man,
this is condemned prisoner
number 4077...
Bubba Face Bexley.
Now, underneath
that innocent face
is a sick, psychotic
criminal mind.
Guard yourself
at all times, major.
Listen, I'm a natural
leader of men.
Watch how I immediately
establish goodwill
with this killer.
Bubba Face?
Yeah?
[SINGS TO TUNE OF "BABY FACE"]
♪ You got the cutest
Little Bubba face ♪
I hear you're an
expert with explosives.
That's right,
and if you let me...
Take me on this mission,
I'll blow your bridges,
I'll blow your trains,
I'll blow your tanks,
and if you catch a cold,
I'll get some dynamite
and blow your nose.
Listen.
That's all, soldier.
Well, what's the story
on this guy, lieutenant?
Oh, this is "Fingers" Rollo
The most notorious
thief in all of Europe.
There's nothing he won't steal.
Hmm.
Hey, what's
happening, Major Pops?
That's Major Pops, sir.
Fingers, are you willing to
go on this mission with us?
Yeah, man, I'm down for it.
I dig secret missions, and
I know all about this one.
How can you know
about this secret mission
when I carry the secret
orders inside my shirt,
chained to my armpits?
You wanna bet?
Get out of here. Just leave.
What's the story on you?
Are you a weapons expert?
A great pilot?
An electronic wizard?
No. I'm the love interest.
Love interest?
That's right.
Every time there's
a lull in the fighting,
some soldier takes me
aside, whispers in my ear,
and tells me how much he'd
rather make love than war.
Sorry, but Deputy
Dawg isn't in this fight.
Listen, buddy, it's
been a long, hard war,
and I've fought from
the sands of Iwo Jima
to the shores of Tripoli,
and the last thing
in the world I need
is an olive drab
ding-a-ling who,
every time he opens his mouth,
his tongue bayonets his brain.
Well put, foxhole face.
That's all. Who's next?
Well, I apologize
for the behavior
of these other prisoners,
but now, this next man
is due to be executed at dawn
so I'm sure he'll be a
little more cooperative.
Soldier?
Yes.
You're a killer?
No.
I got these notches on my knife
from spreading
crunchy peanut butter.
You watch your mouth.
See, I got a black
belt in karate,
a green belt in judo,
and a red belt in kung fu.
And a pot at the
end of the rainbow.
Are you with me or not?
Would you like to
just rot in prison,
or go and fight the Nazis?
♪ Or would you rather
swing On a star ♪
♪ Carry moonbeams
Home in a jar ♪
Major, I'll fight. I'm with you.
Shoulder to shoulder.
Arm in arm.
Face to face.
They're right. War is hell.
And so the dye was cast.
After weeks of training,
me and my team of experts
parachuted into Germany.
On the secret mission.
Yeah. That's how I
won this second medal,
the iron pigfoot.
It is set in a field of
greasy mustard greens.
What did you have to do?
We had to find out
the exact location
of the V1 and the V2 rockets.
First, we had to make contact
in a famous German café,
Brunhilda's Bratwurst
Bungalow in Berlin,
on the corner of Baden
Baden and Guten Guten.
Naturally, my face was
well-known all over Europe,
so I had to resort to one
of my clever disguises.
[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS]
The winds of March bring forth
ill tidings of spring.
What? Shh!
The winds of March bring forth
ill tidings of spring.
Who are you, the weather lady?
That's the password.
Now you gotta give me the
countersign. Countersign?
The heat of August brings
forth a rash between my legs.
Wrong.
Wrong?
How about, how about...
The frost of December
brings forth a
freeze in your BVDs?
Listen, never mind that.
I got the information on
the location of the rockets.
Good work, lieutenant.
Yeah, but we've gotta get it
to our undercover
contact here in Berlin.
I never seen her, but I
understand that Brunhilda
is the most beautiful
woman in all of Germany.
[DRUM ROLL]
Meine Damen und Herren,
ladies and gentlemen,
guys and gals, and
all you S.S. fellas,
here she is, the
lovely, the beautiful,
the sensational...
Let us all welcome
the wonderful Brunhilda!
["LILI MARLENE" PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
♪ Outside the barracks
By the corner light ♪
♪ I'll always stand And
wait for you at night ♪
♪ We will create
A world for two ♪
♪ I'll wait for you The
whole night through ♪
♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪
♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪♪
The winds of March bring
forth ill tidings of spring.
The hair on your wig
should be brought
forth over your face.
Watch it, Major Sucker.
Listen, Goon-hilda,
the only way we can be
sure that you're an American
is to ask you some questions.
What's the name of the waiter
at the Trucker's Café in Barstow
who works the
midnight to 8:00 shift?
I haven't the faintest idea.
Have her blindfolded
and shot at dawn.
[STOMPING]
The Germans are coming!
Oh, Lord, have mercy! Oh, Lord.
Oh, save us, Lord!
[STOMPING INTENSIFIES]
[STOMPING STOPS]
Ah-hah. So we meet at last.
The Major Fred Sanford
and his clever partner,
Lieutenant Dummy.
You mean... there's
only one of you?
Yes, of course.
But we heard the sound
of thousands of marching feet.
That's because we Germans
are masters of deception.
See these?
Stereo boots.
Gentlemen, you are under arrest
for some of the
most heinous crimes
ever committed
against the Reich.
Like what?
Murder, arson, spying,
counter-spying, high treason,
and leaving your
Volkswagen in a loading zone.
Come with me.
Wow, Grandpa Major,
were you really
captured by the Germans?
That's right, and that's
how I got this medal here,
the Purple Heart.
Isn't it beautiful?
The Purple Heart?
Don't you get that for
being wounded in action?
How true.
See, after we were
captured by the enemy,
they took us to
their headquarters
and left us alone in a room.
I guess they thought
they could break us.
Good day, gentlemen.
Ah, don't get up.
Who are you?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Colonel Hiakowa,
Chief of Intelligence
for the Greater Far East
Co-Prosperity Global
Loan and Finance Company.
Have a pen.
Oh, let me have one.
Hey, I am surprised
you speak our language.
Oh, yes, you see, I
studied in your country.
I went to Vassar.
Vassar?
Vassar is a girl's school.
Now you know
what I was studying.
Gentlemen, I am a civilized man.
You have no reason to be afraid.
All I want to know
is when you are going
to blow up the bridge
over the River Kwai.
The River Kwai?
I never heard of it.
You've never heard
that famous song,
"Kwai Me a River"?
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
♪ Kwai me a river ♪
♪ I kwaied a river over you ♪
I think he must be crazy.
Crazy?
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
You keep talking like that,
I'll make you the unhappiest man
on this island!
Island?
Yes, this is Guam, isn't it?
No, you're in Berlin, Germany.
Oh, no wonder I
can't find the beach.
Major, the situation is
getting very dangerous.
The Nazis will be
here any minute,
and you and I know the biggest,
most carefully guarded
secret in all of World War II.
And no matter
what they do to us,
we'll never tell them
that John Wayne is...
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
I'm talking about the
exact time, place, and date
of the Allied
Invasion in Normandy.
Normandy? Not Guam?
Don't worry, sir,
if the situation
gets hopeless...
If the situation gets hopeless,
we can always bite down
on the cyanide capsule
embedded in our back teeth.
Cyanide capsule? You're kidding?
I thought that was a
peppermint Chiclet.
Don't worry.
They tell me that death
comes swiftly and painlessly.
Yeah, but they don't tell
you that death can kill you.
[STOMPING]
[STOMPING STOPS]
The Fuehrer sends his greetings.
Heil Hitler!
And Sammy Davis Jr. Sends his.
Listen, General, why
don't you just give up?
Germany has lost the war.
Not yet.
Not if we learn the exact
date of the Allied Invasion.
We want to know the exact date
of the Allied Invasion.
No way.
Then you shall die!
Well, it's better
to die on one's feet
than to live on one's knees.
Lieutenant!
"A coward dies a
thousand deaths,
a brave man but once."
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That wasn't bad,
but how about...
"Mares eat oats
and does eat oats
"and little lambs eat ivy.
A kid'll eat ivy
too, wouldn't you?"
Listen, you American dogs,
I have to have that information.
The master Reich has to live on.
Listen, you Nazi knockwurst,
if you want to live
with the master race,
move to Watts.
My patience is gone.
[STOMPING STARTS]
[STOMPING STOPS]
Listen, don't talk to
me with your boot on.
We have other ways
of making you talk.
You mean...
Exactly!
Nurse Kramer!
Yeah, here, general.
FRED: Hold it. Hold it.
I thought you were on our side.
Fooled you, didn't I, Liebling?
My real name is Helga Kramer,
and I am the
notorious double agent,
the famous master-spy,
and last week in Berlin, I
was named Miss Goose-step.
How did you get that?
I bent over backwards.
Prepare the serum, nurse.
Ja. LAMONT: Serum?
Exactly.
Soon, you will
tell us everything.
We are going to inject you
with a truth serum.
Listen, can't I just
take a couple of aspirin
and call you in the morning?
Never! Hold them down.
I'll take the cyan...
Goodbye, America.
Goodbye, Mom's apple pie.
You know Mom
makes terrible apple pie.
Quick, major, take
yours before it's too late.
Okay.
[CRUNCH]
Aah! Glagh!
Major, you are not dying.
What happened?
I bit my tongue.
You bit your tongue?
Right, and that's how
I got the Purple Heart
for being wounded in action.
That doesn't sound like much.
Oh, yeah?
How'd you like to
spend three weeks
in the hospital with a
splint on your tongue?
How did you escape?
Well, see, all of a sudden
I attacked both the guards
and tied them up and
grabbed their guns
and shot my way out,
taking the keys to
Hitler's private plane,
flying over the Alps...
Wait a minute.
Hold it right there.
Just hold it right there.
What are you trying to do?
Oh, hello, son.
Uh, Roger and I were
just having a little talk.
Yeah, I heard all
about it, major...
Cyanide capsules, truth drugs...
I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.
Hurt?
Hit by flying bull.
Listen, Son, I... Wait a second.
Roger, I wanna talk
to my pop for a minute.
Would you mind going outside
and playing for a little while?
All right.
Wow... the Purple Heart.
What do you think
you were doing?
I was just trying to teach
him something, Son.
What, how to lie?
Wrong. Teaching him
how to survive. Survive?
Yeah.
You see, Roger sold
those medals for nothing
because he thought
they were worth nothing.
Now he thinks they're valuable.
Grandpa Major Fred,
Lieutenant Lamont,
the man came back for
his medals and lamp. Yeah?
And guess what?
I told him the medals
were $10 a piece
instead of a quarter.
He bought them anyway.
Nice going, Roger.
Here's your money for the lamp
and $20 for the medals.
Twenty? What
happened to the other 10?
Oh, I couldn't sell
the Purple Heart.
You got wounded for this one.
I'm out of 10 bucks.
Here, Grandpa Fred.
You know, I think
you're the greatest.
You do?
Uh-huh.
Say, listen, you know,
that's the best $10 I never got.
Tell me another story.
Sure, see, look, it
was Sunday morning,
and I was on the
Battleship Arizona
in Pearl Harbor...
Wait a minute.
Wait just a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Just wait a minute!
[♪♪♪]
Crime rate, up 3%.
Robbery up 5%.
Burglary, up 8%.
I don't know what's
happening in the world today.
Murder, up 15%.
This is a hold-up!
Hey, how'd you get in here?
Listen, I don't have any money,
but I'm babysitting
for a 10-year-old kid
and you can have him
and his lunch money.
Just don't shoot me.
Hi, Grandpa Fred.
Good.
I was just playing
Cowboys and Indians.
That's great. I'll be
the Indian chief...
Chief Slap-Your-Fanny.
Don't never scare
me like that no more.
I'm sorry.
Hey, do you want to play
checkers or something?
No, I'm going
upstairs to take a nap.
Hey, but you're supposed
to be watching me
while Lamont is
out with the truck.
Look, son, if you want your
mother to marry Lamont,
that's okay.
And if you want to stay here
while your mother's away,
that's okay.
But if you're looking for
a kindly old grandfather,
turn on The Waltons.
But you told me
we were gonna
spend time together,
have fun.
Yeah, you pretend that
you're king of the junkyard
and you're buying and
selling your kingdom,
and you can start right now.
That sounds neat.
Right, and listen.
Don't wake me up,
because if you do,
I'll turn into a wicked
witch with a switch
and heat up your rear end.
King of the junkyard.
Hey... That looks interesting.
How much?
Well, those old medals...
About a quarter each.
You got a deal.
I've got to go to another yard.
I'll pick up the
stuff later, okay?
All right, peasant.
What?
Uh, sir.
Say, I heard the door slam.
Who was that?
Uh, the king just sold
a customer some junk.
I got $10 for that nice
lamp with the clock in it.
You got $10 for that old lamp?
Nice going, Roger. What else?
Well... just these
three old war medals.
I got rid of them
for a quarter each.
Just 25 cents?
Sure. They're little
and all bent up.
How would you like
to be little and bent up?
Twenty-five cents.
A measly quarter. I
mean, how could you?
Don't you know I
won those medals?
You did?
You heard of World War II?
Sure, Lamont says
that's you and Aunt Esther.
Sit down over there.
Now, see, this one right here...
Now, this is the Okra cluster
on a bronze fig leaf.
I got this one
for exceptional bravery
in the face of danger.
Tell me what happened.
No, I can't do that.
I'm too modest.
It all began in
England, in 1944.
[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS]
MAN: This is Yank
Infantry Officer,
Major Fred G. Sanford.
And the G stands for
guts, guts, and more guts.
Tough, hard-nosed, eagle-eyed.
A combat veteran...
But these secret orders
will test his bravery
and intelligence to the utmost.
Allied Intelligence
has picked this man
to lead a team
of thieves, killers,
and raving homicidal maniacs
behind German lines
on a suicide mission.
Suicide mission! Are you crazy?
Man, I'm not going
on no suicide mission.
The future of free
men everywhere
rests on this man's shoulders.
I'll gladly go on
this suicide mission,
and the next one.
His team will parachute
into occupied France,
try to sneak into
Nazi Headquarters,
which is surrounded
by the cream of the German army.
The odds of his
survival are 1,000 to 1.
But Major Sanford
doesn't even flinch
at these dangers...
And for this reason
he will be known
to Allied Intelligence
by the code name... Stupid.
[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS]
Hi, Pop. I'm home.
That's, "Hi, Pop,
I'm home, sir."
All right then, call
in the prisoners.
Bring in the prisoners!
Lieutenant, give me the rundown
on these three men
and tell the woman
to run down to a
plastic surgeon.
Well, this first man,
this is condemned prisoner
number 4077...
Bubba Face Bexley.
Now, underneath
that innocent face
is a sick, psychotic
criminal mind.
Guard yourself
at all times, major.
Listen, I'm a natural
leader of men.
Watch how I immediately
establish goodwill
with this killer.
Bubba Face?
Yeah?
[SINGS TO TUNE OF "BABY FACE"]
♪ You got the cutest
Little Bubba face ♪
I hear you're an
expert with explosives.
That's right,
and if you let me...
Take me on this mission,
I'll blow your bridges,
I'll blow your trains,
I'll blow your tanks,
and if you catch a cold,
I'll get some dynamite
and blow your nose.
Listen.
That's all, soldier.
Well, what's the story
on this guy, lieutenant?
Oh, this is "Fingers" Rollo
The most notorious
thief in all of Europe.
There's nothing he won't steal.
Hmm.
Hey, what's
happening, Major Pops?
That's Major Pops, sir.
Fingers, are you willing to
go on this mission with us?
Yeah, man, I'm down for it.
I dig secret missions, and
I know all about this one.
How can you know
about this secret mission
when I carry the secret
orders inside my shirt,
chained to my armpits?
You wanna bet?
Get out of here. Just leave.
What's the story on you?
Are you a weapons expert?
A great pilot?
An electronic wizard?
No. I'm the love interest.
Love interest?
That's right.
Every time there's
a lull in the fighting,
some soldier takes me
aside, whispers in my ear,
and tells me how much he'd
rather make love than war.
Sorry, but Deputy
Dawg isn't in this fight.
Listen, buddy, it's
been a long, hard war,
and I've fought from
the sands of Iwo Jima
to the shores of Tripoli,
and the last thing
in the world I need
is an olive drab
ding-a-ling who,
every time he opens his mouth,
his tongue bayonets his brain.
Well put, foxhole face.
That's all. Who's next?
Well, I apologize
for the behavior
of these other prisoners,
but now, this next man
is due to be executed at dawn
so I'm sure he'll be a
little more cooperative.
Soldier?
Yes.
You're a killer?
No.
I got these notches on my knife
from spreading
crunchy peanut butter.
You watch your mouth.
See, I got a black
belt in karate,
a green belt in judo,
and a red belt in kung fu.
And a pot at the
end of the rainbow.
Are you with me or not?
Would you like to
just rot in prison,
or go and fight the Nazis?
♪ Or would you rather
swing On a star ♪
♪ Carry moonbeams
Home in a jar ♪
Major, I'll fight. I'm with you.
Shoulder to shoulder.
Arm in arm.
Face to face.
They're right. War is hell.
And so the dye was cast.
After weeks of training,
me and my team of experts
parachuted into Germany.
On the secret mission.
Yeah. That's how I
won this second medal,
the iron pigfoot.
It is set in a field of
greasy mustard greens.
What did you have to do?
We had to find out
the exact location
of the V1 and the V2 rockets.
First, we had to make contact
in a famous German café,
Brunhilda's Bratwurst
Bungalow in Berlin,
on the corner of Baden
Baden and Guten Guten.
Naturally, my face was
well-known all over Europe,
so I had to resort to one
of my clever disguises.
[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS]
The winds of March bring forth
ill tidings of spring.
What? Shh!
The winds of March bring forth
ill tidings of spring.
Who are you, the weather lady?
That's the password.
Now you gotta give me the
countersign. Countersign?
The heat of August brings
forth a rash between my legs.
Wrong.
Wrong?
How about, how about...
The frost of December
brings forth a
freeze in your BVDs?
Listen, never mind that.
I got the information on
the location of the rockets.
Good work, lieutenant.
Yeah, but we've gotta get it
to our undercover
contact here in Berlin.
I never seen her, but I
understand that Brunhilda
is the most beautiful
woman in all of Germany.
[DRUM ROLL]
Meine Damen und Herren,
ladies and gentlemen,
guys and gals, and
all you S.S. fellas,
here she is, the
lovely, the beautiful,
the sensational...
Let us all welcome
the wonderful Brunhilda!
["LILI MARLENE" PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
♪ Outside the barracks
By the corner light ♪
♪ I'll always stand And
wait for you at night ♪
♪ We will create
A world for two ♪
♪ I'll wait for you The
whole night through ♪
♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪
♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪♪
The winds of March bring
forth ill tidings of spring.
The hair on your wig
should be brought
forth over your face.
Watch it, Major Sucker.
Listen, Goon-hilda,
the only way we can be
sure that you're an American
is to ask you some questions.
What's the name of the waiter
at the Trucker's Café in Barstow
who works the
midnight to 8:00 shift?
I haven't the faintest idea.
Have her blindfolded
and shot at dawn.
[STOMPING]
The Germans are coming!
Oh, Lord, have mercy! Oh, Lord.
Oh, save us, Lord!
[STOMPING INTENSIFIES]
[STOMPING STOPS]
Ah-hah. So we meet at last.
The Major Fred Sanford
and his clever partner,
Lieutenant Dummy.
You mean... there's
only one of you?
Yes, of course.
But we heard the sound
of thousands of marching feet.
That's because we Germans
are masters of deception.
See these?
Stereo boots.
Gentlemen, you are under arrest
for some of the
most heinous crimes
ever committed
against the Reich.
Like what?
Murder, arson, spying,
counter-spying, high treason,
and leaving your
Volkswagen in a loading zone.
Come with me.
Wow, Grandpa Major,
were you really
captured by the Germans?
That's right, and that's
how I got this medal here,
the Purple Heart.
Isn't it beautiful?
The Purple Heart?
Don't you get that for
being wounded in action?
How true.
See, after we were
captured by the enemy,
they took us to
their headquarters
and left us alone in a room.
I guess they thought
they could break us.
Good day, gentlemen.
Ah, don't get up.
Who are you?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Colonel Hiakowa,
Chief of Intelligence
for the Greater Far East
Co-Prosperity Global
Loan and Finance Company.
Have a pen.
Oh, let me have one.
Hey, I am surprised
you speak our language.
Oh, yes, you see, I
studied in your country.
I went to Vassar.
Vassar?
Vassar is a girl's school.
Now you know
what I was studying.
Gentlemen, I am a civilized man.
You have no reason to be afraid.
All I want to know
is when you are going
to blow up the bridge
over the River Kwai.
The River Kwai?
I never heard of it.
You've never heard
that famous song,
"Kwai Me a River"?
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
♪ Kwai me a river ♪
♪ I kwaied a river over you ♪
I think he must be crazy.
Crazy?
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
You keep talking like that,
I'll make you the unhappiest man
on this island!
Island?
Yes, this is Guam, isn't it?
No, you're in Berlin, Germany.
Oh, no wonder I
can't find the beach.
Major, the situation is
getting very dangerous.
The Nazis will be
here any minute,
and you and I know the biggest,
most carefully guarded
secret in all of World War II.
And no matter
what they do to us,
we'll never tell them
that John Wayne is...
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
I'm talking about the
exact time, place, and date
of the Allied
Invasion in Normandy.
Normandy? Not Guam?
Don't worry, sir,
if the situation
gets hopeless...
If the situation gets hopeless,
we can always bite down
on the cyanide capsule
embedded in our back teeth.
Cyanide capsule? You're kidding?
I thought that was a
peppermint Chiclet.
Don't worry.
They tell me that death
comes swiftly and painlessly.
Yeah, but they don't tell
you that death can kill you.
[STOMPING]
[STOMPING STOPS]
The Fuehrer sends his greetings.
Heil Hitler!
And Sammy Davis Jr. Sends his.
Listen, General, why
don't you just give up?
Germany has lost the war.
Not yet.
Not if we learn the exact
date of the Allied Invasion.
We want to know the exact date
of the Allied Invasion.
No way.
Then you shall die!
Well, it's better
to die on one's feet
than to live on one's knees.
Lieutenant!
"A coward dies a
thousand deaths,
a brave man but once."
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That wasn't bad,
but how about...
"Mares eat oats
and does eat oats
"and little lambs eat ivy.
A kid'll eat ivy
too, wouldn't you?"
Listen, you American dogs,
I have to have that information.
The master Reich has to live on.
Listen, you Nazi knockwurst,
if you want to live
with the master race,
move to Watts.
My patience is gone.
[STOMPING STARTS]
[STOMPING STOPS]
Listen, don't talk to
me with your boot on.
We have other ways
of making you talk.
You mean...
Exactly!
Nurse Kramer!
Yeah, here, general.
FRED: Hold it. Hold it.
I thought you were on our side.
Fooled you, didn't I, Liebling?
My real name is Helga Kramer,
and I am the
notorious double agent,
the famous master-spy,
and last week in Berlin, I
was named Miss Goose-step.
How did you get that?
I bent over backwards.
Prepare the serum, nurse.
Ja. LAMONT: Serum?
Exactly.
Soon, you will
tell us everything.
We are going to inject you
with a truth serum.
Listen, can't I just
take a couple of aspirin
and call you in the morning?
Never! Hold them down.
I'll take the cyan...
Goodbye, America.
Goodbye, Mom's apple pie.
You know Mom
makes terrible apple pie.
Quick, major, take
yours before it's too late.
Okay.
[CRUNCH]
Aah! Glagh!
Major, you are not dying.
What happened?
I bit my tongue.
You bit your tongue?
Right, and that's how
I got the Purple Heart
for being wounded in action.
That doesn't sound like much.
Oh, yeah?
How'd you like to
spend three weeks
in the hospital with a
splint on your tongue?
How did you escape?
Well, see, all of a sudden
I attacked both the guards
and tied them up and
grabbed their guns
and shot my way out,
taking the keys to
Hitler's private plane,
flying over the Alps...
Wait a minute.
Hold it right there.
Just hold it right there.
What are you trying to do?
Oh, hello, son.
Uh, Roger and I were
just having a little talk.
Yeah, I heard all
about it, major...
Cyanide capsules, truth drugs...
I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.
Hurt?
Hit by flying bull.
Listen, Son, I... Wait a second.
Roger, I wanna talk
to my pop for a minute.
Would you mind going outside
and playing for a little while?
All right.
Wow... the Purple Heart.
What do you think
you were doing?
I was just trying to teach
him something, Son.
What, how to lie?
Wrong. Teaching him
how to survive. Survive?
Yeah.
You see, Roger sold
those medals for nothing
because he thought
they were worth nothing.
Now he thinks they're valuable.
Grandpa Major Fred,
Lieutenant Lamont,
the man came back for
his medals and lamp. Yeah?
And guess what?
I told him the medals
were $10 a piece
instead of a quarter.
He bought them anyway.
Nice going, Roger.
Here's your money for the lamp
and $20 for the medals.
Twenty? What
happened to the other 10?
Oh, I couldn't sell
the Purple Heart.
You got wounded for this one.
I'm out of 10 bucks.
Here, Grandpa Fred.
You know, I think
you're the greatest.
You do?
Uh-huh.
Say, listen, you know,
that's the best $10 I never got.
Tell me another story.
Sure, see, look, it
was Sunday morning,
and I was on the
Battleship Arizona
in Pearl Harbor...
Wait a minute.
Wait just a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Just wait a minute!
[♪♪♪]