Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Hawaiian Connection: Part 1 - full transcript
Luring Fred and Lamont to Hawaii, a trio of jewel thieves plot to make Fred their mule for smuggling stolen diamonds to California.
♪ ...go back ♪
♪ To my little grass shack
In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪
[HUMMING "MY
LITTLE GRASS SHACK"]
Aloha, son. Guess what?
[♪♪♪]
What's going on, Pop?
Well, the Junk
Dealers of America
are holding their annual
convention in Hawaii,
and guess who's going.
Well, I can guess
who's not going.
Us.
Why not?
We can't afford
to go to a convention in Hawaii.
We can't even afford a
seminar in El Segundo.
But they sent all the
information in the mail.
Reservation form,
free drink tickets...
Uh-huh, and an acre of alfalfa.
Beautiful, isn't it?
They want me to get in the mood.
[HUMS TUNEFULLY]
[MIMICS HAWAIIAN GUITARS]
Hey, Pop...
Hey, Pop... [MIMICS
HAWAIIAN GUITARS]
Would you stop it?
Look, we can't
afford to go to Hawaii.
Now, you know that, don't you?
Son, I've been a member of
the Association for 35 years,
and I never been
to one convention.
Pop, it costs money to go to
Hawaii. There's hotel bills...
Three hundred dollars.
But that includes
three banquets,
tickets to the lectures,
and the theme this year
is, "Junk as a way of life."
Plus a tour of the Islands
and roses in your room
for you and your loved ones.
That's you, son.
We can't afford to go, Pop.
But it's nice thinking about it.
Waikiki, Diamond Head,
golden sand, the pounding surf.
Just relaxing, taking it easy,
waiting for the night to fall
and the bikinis to
do the same thing,
hearing that great music,
running into the ocean,
walking along the shore.
Oh, I wish we could go, son.
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program
for a late news bulletin.
A daring daylight robbery at
the Pacific Jewelry Company
has netted thieves over a
million dollars in diamonds.
Police have no clues to
the identities of the criminals,
but Hawaii Five-O reports that
an all-out effort is being made
to make sure the diamonds
do not leave the Island.
We'll have further reports
as they become available.
We repeat, the Pacific
Jewelry Company
was robbed today of over a
million dollars in diamonds.
And now back to our
regularly scheduled program.
Oh, now that you stoled
all of these diamonds,
can we go home now?
Right.
I'm really sick of this sun.
I miss Oakland.
Hey, did you check the airport?
Yep. Cops all over the place.
We'll never get past them.
What about the cruise ships?
It's the same thing.
Look, with our record,
they're going to search
us from head to toe.
Oh, well that sounds like fun.
What this means is
we're gonna have to find
some real clean pigeon
to get them diamonds back
into California for us, huh.
But he's got to be stupid enough
not to know he's carrying them
and to let us have
them when we get there.
Well, all this work
talk is very boring.
The Lions' Convention
is still in town,
and so I am going
down to the lobby.
Those Lions are cute.
And while you're at it,
the Junkmen's
Convention's coming in soon.
You might get yourself
elected "Miss Used."
What junkmen are coming?
I don't know.
It's the Associated
Junkmen of America.
[LAUGHS]
Then we're in business.
Consider those
diamonds out of here.
Yes, I'm calling for
Mr. Smith in Room 702.
Do you have a reservation
for a Mr. Fred G.
Sanford for next week?
No?
You will.
[LAUGHS]
Would you mind telling
me what this is all about?
See, back in my neighborhood,
there's a junk dealer that's
just the cat we're looking for.
This Fred G. Sanford?
That's him.
He is our pigeon?
He's better than a pigeon.
The "G" stands for gooney bird.
[LAUGHS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
FRED: I'm coming.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I told you I'm coming, didn't I?
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Are you Fred G. Sanford?
That depends. Depends on what?
On why you're here.
Now, if you're here
to get, I'm not him.
But if you're here to
give, you got the right man.
Well, I got a telegram
for Fred Sanford.
Who's it from?
How do I know?
Are you him or not?
Suppose it's from
somebody asking for money.
Well, suppose it's
from a relative who dies
and leaves you a fortune?
What if it's from
my cousin telling me
he's coming to sponge
off me for a month?
What if it's good news?
What if it's bad news?
Look, why don't you
take it and don't open it?
Then how will I know if
it's good news or bad news?
All right, then
don't take it, then!
Are you crazy? It's for me!
Sign right here.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[CLEARS THROAT]
No, it's not raining.
Bye.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Man, I told you
I don't give no...
Hi, Fred.
Bubba.
Hey, that Western Union
guy sounded pretty upset.
What did he say?
Well, he said it stopped
raining in the house,
but the drip was still there.
Well, now that you've
given the weather report,
what do you want?
I saw the Western
Union guy coming here,
and I figured he was probably
bringing you a telegram
with some very important,
personal and private news,
and I came over
to see what it said.
Here, you open it,
jump in, seal yourself up.
Then you'd be the world's
biggest piece of junk mail.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Open it up.
All right.
What is it?
♪ I'm gonna go back ♪
♪ To my little grass
shack In Kealakekua ♪
♪ Oooh ♪♪
Hey, Pop, I thought
we were gonna forget
all about the convention.
But we didn't agree
to turn down a free
trip to the Islands.
What are you talking about?
"Dear Mr. Sanford,
"you have been selected
to appear on a panel
"to discuss the problems of
the neighborhood junk dealer.
"Your ticket will be delivered
if you accept this invitation
"for you and your loved
one to come to Hawaii
"and attend this convention.
"Please confirm by calling
area code 808-555-6767
"at noon, Los Angeles time.
Signed, Mr. Smith,
Convention Coordinator."
Didn't I tell you it
was good news?
Hey, that's hard
to believe, Pop.
A free trip to Hawaii for two.
It's wonderful,
isn't it, loved one?
He works hard, you know,
doing the pickups and deliveries..
He deserves the trip.
Hey, thanks a lot, Pop.
I'll give you a good
price for your ticket, son.
Why don't we get this
guy Smith on the phone
to find out if this
thing is legit?
Okay, it's just about noon now.
I don't know. You
think this is gonna work?
Don't worry.
[RINGS]
Now, remember
what you got to say
and try to get it right.
I can do it, I can do it.
Now, would you like me
to sound like Cybill
Shepherd or Faye Dunaway?
Just answer the phone,
or you're gonna look
like Charles Bronson.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Junkmen of America
Convention Headquarters.
Cybill speaking.
Hold on, please.
He wants a Mr. Smith.
That's me, me. Oh...
Hello, this is
Mr. Smith talking.
Oh, Mr. Sanford.
You can, huh?
Well, we are
delighted to hear that.
We knew that we
could count on you.
Look forward to
seeing you on the surf.
Yes, we'll just check in
and wait to hear from you.
Aloha.
It's legitimate?
Just wait till everybody
hears we're going to Hawaii.
♪ Da-dee ♪
I can't wait to
see Esther's face.
Well, I can.
Esther... Esther, you better
go down to the car wash.
What for?
You should get your money back,
because they must have had
a broken bristle on the brush
when they spray-waxed your face.
Watch it, sucker.
Hey, Fred's going
on a trip, Esther.
To Hawaii, Aunt Esther.
He's been invited.
Why? They running
out of diseases?
Be nice to me, Esther.
I was gonna bring
you back a grass skirt
for looking out for
the place for me.
Oh, thank you, Fred.
But what would I
do with a grass skirt?
Graze.
Now, would you
two just stop, okay?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I'll get it. Come in!
Fred G. Sanford? FRED: Yeah.
Oh, I have your
tickets for Hawaii
and all of your
reservation information,
plus a small token of the
Association appreciation
for your participation
in the seminar.
Have a wonderful trip, sir.
I only travel first class.
Oh, but those tickets
are two first-class tickets.
That's good.
Well, I guess that's about it.
Except Mr. Smith will
contact you after you check in.
Goodbye, sir.
FRED: Goodbye.
Hey, that's unbelievable, Pop.
Man, they really got
them tickets here fast.
Yeah, that Mr. Smith
must have called right away,
wanted to make sure I
didn't change my mind.
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
MAN: It's absolutely vital
we catch these crooks
before they get a chance to
get the diamonds off the Island.
Understand?
Now, you've all got mug shots
of every well-known
heist artist in the business
and we got a line
on every one of them.
They haven't made their
move yet, but they will.
Well, suppose they get
some stranger to help them,
you know, pull the
old suitcase switch.
Ah, the old suitcase
switch, hmm?
Well, just keep your eyes and
ears open, you understand?
And I want you to know these
men are armed and dangerous,
so if you see or hear
anything suspicious,
shoot first, ask
questions after.
Got it?
That's all. Go.
Hold it a second, Burke.
Just... Just what is the
old, uh... suitcase switch?
Hey, your chauffeur is here!
FRED: That you, Rollo?
Right on, right on.
Don't touch anything,
keep your hands in your pockets,
and keep talking so I
know where you are.
What's happening, Rollo?
Hey, look here, don't pay
my father no mind, man.
See, he's so upset
about flying in a plane
that he's got mouth lag.
Hey, man, forget that.
Man, you lucky, man.
Hawaii. All them
beautiful chicks, mai tais...
Well, what do you think?
We think you look ridiculous.
This is what they
wear on the Islands.
Yeah, but you're not
on the Island now, Pop.
You on Central Avenue
and you might not
make it out of this
neighborhood in that outfit.
Hey, look here, Pops, I
think you look great, man.
And those wahines, they
gonna go wild over you, man.
Those who? Wahines, chicks.
Hey, man, look here, you're
going to the land of paradise.
And leaving Lion Country Safari.
Just come on in, Aunt Esther.
We were just
getting ready to leave.
Rollo's gonna drive
us to the airport.
Yeah, man, let's put
these bags in the truck.
All right.
Esther, I want you to know,
I appreciate you looking
out after my empire.
That's okay, Fred.
I live by the Good Book.
Do unto others, and
turn the other cheek.
You're not doing nothing to me,
and one of your cheeks
looks just as bad as the other.
Hey, Pops, I think we better
book, man. It's getting late.
All right.
Don't worry about a thing.
Thanks a lot, Aunt Esther.
Listen, as soon as
we get to Hawaii,
we're gonna send you a postcard.
And Janet has promised me,
that she's gonna come
over here on weekends
and help you and Woody out.
Don't worry about nothing.
Just have a good time.
Thank you.
And you too, Fred.
And take care of yourself.
LAMONT: Well, let's go, Pop.
Pop. I'm paralyzed!
Oh, get on out of this house.
[YELLS]
This must be Air Harlem.
You sit down here.
You sit by the window.
I already seen the sky.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
Sit... Sit down here.
Leave my hat alone.
[GRUNTING]
Whew.
Are we there yet?
Hey, Pop, just relax.
Now, it's gonna
be a fantastic flight.
Up here in first class, you
get to have anything you want.
Well, I wanna go home.
Hey, pilot.
Yes.
We're in trouble, son.
How are we doing
here? Oh, just fine.
Hey, you the
pilot? That's right.
Well, this is my
first long flight.
Mine too!
Uh, how long does it
take to get to Hawaii?
I don't know.
We've never made it.
PILOT: Well, have fun!
Pop?
Pop?
[GRUNTS]
Well, I figure at
about this time
our pigeon is wending his way
through the wild blue yonder.
Uh-huh.
Oh, then you got
everything arranged?
No problem.
I got the duplicate
case in the car.
In that case, we
better get changed
and get ourselves
over to the airport
and make sure that our
little pigeon lands safely.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm com... Wait a minute.
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
What do you think?
The way they've
been hanging around,
it doesn't look like
they're in a hurry
to get off the Island.
Maybe we're wasting our time.
Let's keep an eye
on them anyway.
They're the only lead we have.
Would you like some
more wine, Mr. Sanford?
Just a touch, if you don't mind.
If you'd like, you can take
some of these leftovers
to the tourist section.
Well, I think they're
getting along just fine.
Oh, that's good.
I like to see the ordinary
people enjoy themselves.
We're serving fresh
pineapple and "macadamians."
You like macadamians, don't you?
Yes, as long as they
don't live next door.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, no, macadamians, a
famous nut of the Island.
You should meet Bubba Bexley,
a famous nut of the mainland.
[LAUGHS]
Well, you just ring
if you need anything.
I need the washroom.
Well, it's to the
back of the cabin, sir.
Hey, Pop, can't you wait?
Hold this. I don't wanna wait.
Hold my salad, will you.
I'm making a
mess out of nothing.
Say, is this the
first class line?
Yes, we're all first class.
Well, go to the back of the
class, because I'm in a hurry.
Well, you'll have to
wait like the rest of us.
All right.
Uh, have you been
to Hawaii before?
Oh, yes, we go every season.
Ah, really?
I usually head for
the South of France.
San Tropez, or Trini Lopez.
What made you
choose Hawaii this year?
They have lovely
washrooms on their flight.
Let me show you. Behind me.
No way.
I paid to sit up front,
and I'm not going
to look at your tail section.
Well, I never.
Well, I have, but
not since I left Watts.
Hey... Come... Sir! Sir!
Aw, sir nothing.
No, lady, you wrong!
You are rude!
No, no!
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
Just in time. That's his plane.
I can't wait to see him.
He'll be easy to spot.
Wow, if that's the guy,
man, we got it made.
We've got it made.
I think he's cute.
Do you believe that guy?
No.
Wow.
That's our pigeon.
Wills and Davis seem to
be interested in this flight.
I'll get the passenger list,
and we'll start
checking them out.
Hey, that's a put-on.
He can't be as
stupid as he looks.
He is.
Looks intelligent to me.
To you, a rock
looks intelligent.
Are you sure he ain't
gonna give us any trouble?
If he does, he won't
need his return ticket.
No, he won't need nothing.
LAMONT: Well, Pop, we made it.
FRED: It's just like being
on my honeymoon again.
LAMONT: That's nice of you.
But I think you had too
much wine on the plane.
FRED: I don't mean you, dummy.
I mean the idea that
we're on a real holiday,
free, on the house, paid for.
It's just like the honeymoon.
LAMONT: Well, who
paid for your honeymoon?
FRED: Mom. LAMONT: Why?
FRED: I was broke.
LAMONT: You know,
you're really something, Pop.
FRED: That's what she said, son.
LAMONT: Hey, there it is.
FRED: Look at that, son.
"Welcome Junkmen of America."
Hey, how many shells
I owe you? What?
You know, shells, coconut chips,
whatever you use for money here.
Partner, you explain to
this old guy this is America.
The fare is 6 bucks.
Here, I'll give it to him.
No, don't take it. I'll pay it.
It's a honeymoon.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Mahalo. Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, and you another
one, and your momma.
[♪♪♪]
Your air conditioning is here,
and you've got your
radio and your television
controlled from here,
and if you take your elevator
down to the cabana level,
you can get your
lounges and your towels.
If there's anything
else you need,
just dial your number eight.
Oh, thank you very much.
Is there anything else you need?
Look, I know when you
check somebody into
one of your fancy suites
you expect one of your big tips.
Oh, no, no. Not really, sir.
Thank you.
Will that be all?
Unless you want to sing us
two choruses of "Sweet Salami."
That's "Leilani."
Yeah, that too.
What quiz show did
you guys win for this trip?
The Dating Game.
Aloha.
Hey, Pop, do you believe this?
This is unbelievable.
What's unbelievable
is that there are people
that can afford this.
Look at it.
This must cost 20, 25 a night.
No, Pop, $135 a night.
What, $135? That's right.
Well, don't step on the carpet.
Are they crazy?
That's more than the down
payment on my first house,
and then they threw
in a refrigerator.
You know, Pop, I'm
really proud of you.
Being important
enough to be asked
to come over here and speak,
and get all this for free.
Yeah, that's good.
But wouldn't it be something
if we could afford to
travel like this any time.
I let you down, son.
Would you cut it out?
Now, we got an empire, remember?
That's no empire. It's nothing.
I'm nobody. I'm
a failure, a loser.
And you better start
disagreeing with me,
or else I'll give you
five across your lip.
Come on, Pop,
you're not a nothing,
and you're not a failure.
But I'm a loser and a nobody?
You're a somebody, Pop.
And you're my pop,
and I wouldn't have
it any other way.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'll get it.
These were delivered
for you, and forget the tip.
I'm writing you
off as a tax loss.
He's pushy.
Look at this.
Hey, there's a card.
What the card say?
Oh, hey, Pop, it's from the
convention chairman, Mr. Smith.
He just wanted to
welcome us to Hawaii,
and he said he'll be
in touch with us later.
Well, let's go and unpack.
Then head for the beach.
All right, I'm for that.
Hawaii is calling.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, son.
Hey, Pop, where
did you get that outfit?
Bubba gave it to me
for a going away gift.
Oh, yeah? It looks adorable.
Yeah, his wife cut it down
from a pair of her slacks.
Well, I guess if you live
in a $135-a-day suite,
you can afford to
wear outfits like this.
Yeah.
Hey what do you say we get
some of them Hawaiian drinks?
I don't know, Pop. The
sun and booze just don't mix.
It could hit you pretty hard.
Listen, son, you only live once.
Let's celebrate.
Everything's on the house.
Waitress? Waitress!
May I help you, sir?
Oh, yes. I'd like to
have two mai tais,
make them double,
and heavy on the rum.
Right away, sir.
Just a moment. What
do you want, son?
Well, I'll just have
one of yours, Pop.
You can't have
one of my mai tais.
You have to have one
of your own "your tais."
Uh, give him a "his tai."
You know, Pop,
I'd like to bring
Janet here someday.
Bring a girl here?
Sure.
You're crazy.
That's like taking a kumquat
to the Garden of Eden.
Just stop that.
Sit down there.
Here, let's get
some of this sun.
[SIGHS]
FRED: Hi there.
Fred G. Sanford...
Sanford and Son, Los Angeles.
We're with the junkmen.
How about you?
My son and I were invited
here by the committee.
We got a great
big suite upstairs.
Well, at least he's alive.
There's a hurricane
gonna hit here
in about an hour and a half.
Gonna kill everybody.
Hey, your swimming
trunks are on fire!
Will you stop annoying that man?
I'm not annoying this
man. He's enjoying it.
Look how happy he is.
Say, uh, what are you
gonna tell all your friends
when you get back to Tokyo?
It's Brooklyn.
And I'm gonna tell them
some jerk's been
bugging me at the pool.
They're starting the hula
lessons now, sir, on the beach,
if you'd like to get in on it.
Come on, son, let's go.
We don't want to miss nothing.
Come on.
[CHUCKLES]
That old turkey's gonna dance.
He'll be busy for a while.
This would be a good
time to make the switch.
Yeah, I'll get the
suitcase out of the car.
I'll make sure he
don't leave the beach.
[PLAYING "MY LITTLE
GRASS SHACK"]
Are you ready? Go.
♪ I wanna go back ♪
♪ To my little grass shack
In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪
♪ I wanna be with ♪
Oh, sure come in, join us.
Stand over there. It's free.
Take two steps to the left.
Two to the left.
And make your
'okole a little loose.
This is your 'okole, okay?
Really make it
loose like this, okay?
That's good, okay. Now...
You like that? Look like that?
Okay, follow me.
Okay, follow you.
Where you going?
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, okay.
♪ It won't be
long till my ship ♪
This is a ship.
♪ Back to Kona ♪
Kona.
It's a grand old place.
["MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE"
THEME PLAYING]
HULA TEACHER: ♪
Then you're the one ♪♪
And they say, "Come, come."
Come, come, come. Come, come.
That's it.
Oh, you're pure
Hawaiian, pure Hawaiian.
What do you think?
Let's pull him in
and see what we get.
Sir.
What's going on?
You want to come
along with us, please.
[TRIBAL DRUM MUSIC PLAYING]
[FRED YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
FRED: Let's get in!
Come on, let's row!
Wait a minute! Watch that water!
Row! Row!
Row! Row! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! Wait a minute!
Hey, look, Pop, don't try to
do everything the first day.
Oh, son, I was
born for the beach.
I got sand in my veins,
and I got water on my knee.
Look, why don't we
go up to the hotel room
and rest before the luau?
Why don't we have
another mai tai just for luck?
Pop, you've had five
of those things already.
I know it tastes
like fruit juice,
but they're gonna
hit you pretty hard.
See, I'd like to try that.
What?
Surfing. Can't you see
me now, riding the wave?
No, but I can see you
drowning in the waves.
Who, me?
I can give Buster Crabbe
and Mark Spitz lessons.
In what?
Crabbing and spitting.
Hello, fellow surfer.
You surf?
Yeah.
Banzai Pipeline Sanford.
That's what they call me.
Can I use your board?
Pop, are you crazy?
You got to be a little
crazy to surf. Go ahead.
Now, look, son,
try to get a camera,
because I wouldn't
want Donna to miss this.
Hold that for me.
Easy, Pop.
Oh, that surfing was tough, son.
Sure is.
But I did ride that
wave in, didn't I?
Like a dream, Pop.
I must have hit my
head on something.
Years ago.
I got this headache.
It must have been the pounding.
Yeah, the ice against the straw.
Maybe I'll just lay
down here for a while.
Now, that's a good
idea. Just relax.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I... I'll get it.
Yes? Mr. Sanford?
I'm Mr. Sanford. He's my son.
Well, that makes
him Mr. Sanford too.
See, son, the police are
the same everywhere.
They pick up one clue,
and before you know it,
they've figured
out the whole thing.
May I come in? Yeah,
sure, come on in.
Uh, wait a minute. Do
you have a warrant?
Pop, would you stop
sounding like a crook?
Come on in. Thank you.
Well, this is, uh...
This is quite a layout.
Okay, okay, let's have it.
Have what?
The ticket for drunk surfing.
No, that's Water Traffic
Division, Mr. Sanford.
I'm from Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0?
That's right.
How's McGarrett's hair?
Well, what can we do for you?
Well, there's been
a big jewel heist,
and we know the
thieves are trying
to get the diamonds
off the Island.
So?
Well, we just arrested a
suspect outside the hotel,
and we're just checking
with all the guests
to see if they saw him
going into any of the rooms.
We just got up here a
minute ago ourselves.
Would you, uh... Would you mind
taking a look at his photograph,
and see if you find
his face familiar?
I don't know.
It seems a little familiar,
but I can't be too sure.
Look, we don't know him,
and we don't know
anything about no diamonds.
I'm here as a guest speaker
for the Junkmen of America,
and I'd like to be treated
with all the respect
that junk deserves.
Well, we have to
check with everyone.
See, we know he's
trying to get somebody
to take the jewels
back to the mainland.
Well, you can search
the place if you want to.
Search? Without a warrant.
What about our rights?
I've traveled all
over the world.
I'm Fred G. Sanford and
the "G" is for Greyhound.
All right, Mr. Sanford,
but if either one of you
see or hear anything, would
you please let us know?
We will, but honestly,
if you want to search the place,
you... You're free to do this.
That's not necessary.
When... When will you
be leaving the Island?
Well, right after
the convention.
It starts tomorrow.
I'll be seeing you.
He got some nerve thinking
that we were with some thieves.
Don't tell him that
you know Rollo.
Hey, Pop, I don't know
what you got so excited about.
He seemed like
a pretty nice guy.
Sure, that's the way
they do. Nice and polite.
"Yes, sir. No, sir.
Nice to meet you. Thank you."
Then, pow!
Twenty years up the
river without a surfboard.
[ENERGETIC DRUM MUSIC PLAYING]
FRED: Son, I'm beginning
to feel very homesick.
Why, Pop?
Because the main course
reminds me of Esther.
Hey, Pop, did you taste this?
What is it?
Poi.
Poi, oh, poi.
[GRUNTS]
Mr. Sanford,
since you did so well with
your lesson on the beach,
would you like to
join us for a number?
Oh, no, thank you.
Where do I stand? Right here.
Way to go, Pop!
Everybody, now, we know
what most of us learn the hula
when we're very young,
but once in a while,
we find a visitor
who catches on so quickly
that we like to
show him off a little.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Please, please.
Uh, now, tell us some more.
Well, Mr. Sanford
took only one lesson
and already he's learned
to tell beautiful
words with his hands.
Yeah, and I learned how to
write numbers with my hands.
703. What's that?
My room number.
All right, our prize
pupil, Mr. Fred Sanford.
Yeah!
♪ Back to my
little grass shack ♪
♪ In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪
HULA TEACHER: Good, good.
♪ I wanna be
With all the kanes ♪
♪ And wahines ♪
Good. That's serious. Good.
[LAUGHS]
♪ I can hear the old
Hawaiians saying ♪
♪ Komo mai no kâua
i ka hale welakahao ♪
[LAUGHS]
♪ Sailing back to Kona ♪♪
Hit it, brother!
♪ And would I be sure ♪
♪ That this is love
beyond compare? ♪
♪ Would all this be true ♪
♪ If I didn't care for ♪
♪ Bah-bah-dah-der-dei-
bah-oooh-aah? ♪♪
We've got trouble.
You can say that again.
I have run out of
cuticle remover.
Gladys, you have
taught me one great thing.
Oh, that's nice. What?
Never to answer an ad
in The Free Press again.
You are always so gloomy.
Mmm.
Well, they picked up
Wills, and sooner or later,
that guy is gonna talk,
so what you got to
do is get dressed,
get down to the Sanfords' room
pick up that case
with the diamonds.
Meantime, I'll go
down to the luau
and make sure that
he gets off the Island
before they can
connect us with him.
And I'll get our boys
and figure out some way
that we can get off the Island.
What should I wear?
Just get the case
with the diamonds.
I don't care what you wear.
But if you don't hurry,
you'll be wearing stripes.
Uh-uh, stripes make me look fat.
[SIGHS]
You know, Pop, I
got to tell you, man,
man, your singing and
dancing was just great.
I know.
But, you know you
don't look so good, Pop.
I know it, son. I
don't feel too good.
Maybe I had too much sun
and mai tais and poi pois.
Why don't you go upstairs
and lie down for a while?
I think I will.
You stay down here and
have yourself a good time.
Are you sure? Sure, I'm sure.
Aloha. Okay.
DAVIS: Hey... Hey there.
You are... You are Mr. Sanford?
Well, yes, sir.
I'm Mr. Smith,
from the convention.
Oh, hey, Mr. Smith.
I'm glad to meet you.
Say, listen, me and my pop,
we're having a great time.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid
we've got a little
trouble, though.
What's the problem?
Well, it's the agenda.
You see, that...
That panel discussion
that we were supposed to have,
that's the reason
we invited you here,
and we ain't gonna
have no time for it,
so, uh, I'm afraid
we can't continue
to pick up the check
for your accommodations.
Well, who's gonna pay for it?
Hey, that is a
problem, ain't it?
Mr. Smith, my pop and I,
we can't afford $135 a day.
Oh...
Well, there is a plane
leaving for the mainland
in an hour.
Well, that's some association.
What am I supposed
to tell my pop now?
How about, "Start
packing, Daddy"?
["MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE"
THEME PLAYING]
GLADYS: Uh, hi.
I thought we just got
the room and the meals.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, well, I'm your
new chambermaid,
and, um, these
are our new outfits.
Kind of cute, aren't they?
Look, you must
have the wrong room,
and I don't feel so good,
so go clean up somewhere else.
Um, okay.
Um, fine... I think.
Um... Welcome to the Islands.
Aloha.
Aloha.
Hello. Hi.
I think you better
sit down, Pop.
I got some bad news.
Aha, we got our first big break.
Thank you.
Wills talked... told
us the whole scheme,
how they figured on
getting the diamonds
off the Island and
everything, huh?
Now, half of you
guys get out there,
run down Davis and his boys.
Burke, you go talk to Sanford.
Tell him we understand
we know he was just being
used by Davis, a patsy.
He should still
have the diamonds.
Me, I'll call McGarrett,
give him time to
get his hair teased
before we meet with the press.
Chop, chop and chop.
Hello, Fi... Dial nine first?
Thank you, operator.
FRED: I'll sue them,
that's what I'll do!
Hey, Pop, just try
to calm down, okay?
Calm down? Are you kidding?
Dragging us all the way over
here and canceling the panel.
Some junk association.
I'll just resign.
That's what I'll do.
Either I broke my glasses,
or we in Zsa Zsa
Gabor's old room.
Pop, you didn't
bring your glasses.
These are the diamonds
that everybody's
been looking for.
Then by the process
of elimination,
we in big trouble.
With all these carats, I may
never need glasses again.
Hey, wait a minute,
now I remember.
That picture that
the police showed us,
that was Freddie Wills, Pop.
We went to high school together,
until he graduated
to San Quentin.
He knows us? Sure he knows us.
And that Mr. Smith is a phony.
Pop, they got us to Hawaii,
so we could smuggle these
diamonds back to the mainland.
Because we're stupid.
No, because nobody
would suspect us.
We're smugglers.
We're not anything,
Pop, but innocent.
You think anybody's
gonna believe that?
Well, we can try. I'm
gonna call Hawaii Five-0.
No, you call the airport,
because there's only two cops
I'm gonna give
this stuff back to.
Hoppy and Smitty.
These cops won't
believe we're innocent.
After all, I threw
them out of here,
wouldn't give them a
chance to search the place.
Well, what are they gonna think,
if they catch us trying to
smuggle these diamonds?
Uh, then we'll pretend
that you knew and I didn't,
and you'll go to jail,
and I'll go to Watts.
Would you put those back?
All of them.
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
They've checked out.
If they've discovered
the diamonds,
Davis will kill
them in a second.
Wills is out on bail. He
must be with Davis too.
Let's get to the airport.
We've got to protect
those junkmen.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think this
gonna work out all right.
They're going to take
them diamonds home
without even
knowing they got them.
Just hope the
cops don't get here
before the plane leaves.
You had to go tell
them everything.
Well, they were hollering at me.
Uh, we'd like to
check these bags.
Okay.
Excuse, please. Is this
the flight to San Francisco?
Uh, no, sir, next
counter. Thank you.
ATTENDANT: Now, sir,
checking these through to L.A.
Not the black one.
Hey, Pop, you can't take
that bag on board the plane.
I'm not letting it
out of my sight.
The bag'll be safe.
I'm carrying it. ATTENDANT:
But you can't, sir.
I'll check it for you.
No, wait a minute, look.
You can't. Don't
tell me what I can't...!
Hey, Pop, that's not our bag!
Hey, the diamonds
ain't in that bag.
They must've stashed
them someplace else.
Uh-oh, we better
get out of here, son.
Let's get them!
Is this dress okay?
Uh...
Remember, they don't
get off this island alive.
VOICEOVER: Next
week in the conclusion
of the "Hawaiian Connection,"
Fred Sanford, using all the
intelligence at his disposal,
finds himself in deeper trouble.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
♪ To my little grass shack
In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪
[HUMMING "MY
LITTLE GRASS SHACK"]
Aloha, son. Guess what?
[♪♪♪]
What's going on, Pop?
Well, the Junk
Dealers of America
are holding their annual
convention in Hawaii,
and guess who's going.
Well, I can guess
who's not going.
Us.
Why not?
We can't afford
to go to a convention in Hawaii.
We can't even afford a
seminar in El Segundo.
But they sent all the
information in the mail.
Reservation form,
free drink tickets...
Uh-huh, and an acre of alfalfa.
Beautiful, isn't it?
They want me to get in the mood.
[HUMS TUNEFULLY]
[MIMICS HAWAIIAN GUITARS]
Hey, Pop...
Hey, Pop... [MIMICS
HAWAIIAN GUITARS]
Would you stop it?
Look, we can't
afford to go to Hawaii.
Now, you know that, don't you?
Son, I've been a member of
the Association for 35 years,
and I never been
to one convention.
Pop, it costs money to go to
Hawaii. There's hotel bills...
Three hundred dollars.
But that includes
three banquets,
tickets to the lectures,
and the theme this year
is, "Junk as a way of life."
Plus a tour of the Islands
and roses in your room
for you and your loved ones.
That's you, son.
We can't afford to go, Pop.
But it's nice thinking about it.
Waikiki, Diamond Head,
golden sand, the pounding surf.
Just relaxing, taking it easy,
waiting for the night to fall
and the bikinis to
do the same thing,
hearing that great music,
running into the ocean,
walking along the shore.
Oh, I wish we could go, son.
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program
for a late news bulletin.
A daring daylight robbery at
the Pacific Jewelry Company
has netted thieves over a
million dollars in diamonds.
Police have no clues to
the identities of the criminals,
but Hawaii Five-O reports that
an all-out effort is being made
to make sure the diamonds
do not leave the Island.
We'll have further reports
as they become available.
We repeat, the Pacific
Jewelry Company
was robbed today of over a
million dollars in diamonds.
And now back to our
regularly scheduled program.
Oh, now that you stoled
all of these diamonds,
can we go home now?
Right.
I'm really sick of this sun.
I miss Oakland.
Hey, did you check the airport?
Yep. Cops all over the place.
We'll never get past them.
What about the cruise ships?
It's the same thing.
Look, with our record,
they're going to search
us from head to toe.
Oh, well that sounds like fun.
What this means is
we're gonna have to find
some real clean pigeon
to get them diamonds back
into California for us, huh.
But he's got to be stupid enough
not to know he's carrying them
and to let us have
them when we get there.
Well, all this work
talk is very boring.
The Lions' Convention
is still in town,
and so I am going
down to the lobby.
Those Lions are cute.
And while you're at it,
the Junkmen's
Convention's coming in soon.
You might get yourself
elected "Miss Used."
What junkmen are coming?
I don't know.
It's the Associated
Junkmen of America.
[LAUGHS]
Then we're in business.
Consider those
diamonds out of here.
Yes, I'm calling for
Mr. Smith in Room 702.
Do you have a reservation
for a Mr. Fred G.
Sanford for next week?
No?
You will.
[LAUGHS]
Would you mind telling
me what this is all about?
See, back in my neighborhood,
there's a junk dealer that's
just the cat we're looking for.
This Fred G. Sanford?
That's him.
He is our pigeon?
He's better than a pigeon.
The "G" stands for gooney bird.
[LAUGHS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
FRED: I'm coming.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I told you I'm coming, didn't I?
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Are you Fred G. Sanford?
That depends. Depends on what?
On why you're here.
Now, if you're here
to get, I'm not him.
But if you're here to
give, you got the right man.
Well, I got a telegram
for Fred Sanford.
Who's it from?
How do I know?
Are you him or not?
Suppose it's from
somebody asking for money.
Well, suppose it's
from a relative who dies
and leaves you a fortune?
What if it's from
my cousin telling me
he's coming to sponge
off me for a month?
What if it's good news?
What if it's bad news?
Look, why don't you
take it and don't open it?
Then how will I know if
it's good news or bad news?
All right, then
don't take it, then!
Are you crazy? It's for me!
Sign right here.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[CLEARS THROAT]
No, it's not raining.
Bye.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Man, I told you
I don't give no...
Hi, Fred.
Bubba.
Hey, that Western Union
guy sounded pretty upset.
What did he say?
Well, he said it stopped
raining in the house,
but the drip was still there.
Well, now that you've
given the weather report,
what do you want?
I saw the Western
Union guy coming here,
and I figured he was probably
bringing you a telegram
with some very important,
personal and private news,
and I came over
to see what it said.
Here, you open it,
jump in, seal yourself up.
Then you'd be the world's
biggest piece of junk mail.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Open it up.
All right.
What is it?
♪ I'm gonna go back ♪
♪ To my little grass
shack In Kealakekua ♪
♪ Oooh ♪♪
Hey, Pop, I thought
we were gonna forget
all about the convention.
But we didn't agree
to turn down a free
trip to the Islands.
What are you talking about?
"Dear Mr. Sanford,
"you have been selected
to appear on a panel
"to discuss the problems of
the neighborhood junk dealer.
"Your ticket will be delivered
if you accept this invitation
"for you and your loved
one to come to Hawaii
"and attend this convention.
"Please confirm by calling
area code 808-555-6767
"at noon, Los Angeles time.
Signed, Mr. Smith,
Convention Coordinator."
Didn't I tell you it
was good news?
Hey, that's hard
to believe, Pop.
A free trip to Hawaii for two.
It's wonderful,
isn't it, loved one?
He works hard, you know,
doing the pickups and deliveries..
He deserves the trip.
Hey, thanks a lot, Pop.
I'll give you a good
price for your ticket, son.
Why don't we get this
guy Smith on the phone
to find out if this
thing is legit?
Okay, it's just about noon now.
I don't know. You
think this is gonna work?
Don't worry.
[RINGS]
Now, remember
what you got to say
and try to get it right.
I can do it, I can do it.
Now, would you like me
to sound like Cybill
Shepherd or Faye Dunaway?
Just answer the phone,
or you're gonna look
like Charles Bronson.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Junkmen of America
Convention Headquarters.
Cybill speaking.
Hold on, please.
He wants a Mr. Smith.
That's me, me. Oh...
Hello, this is
Mr. Smith talking.
Oh, Mr. Sanford.
You can, huh?
Well, we are
delighted to hear that.
We knew that we
could count on you.
Look forward to
seeing you on the surf.
Yes, we'll just check in
and wait to hear from you.
Aloha.
It's legitimate?
Just wait till everybody
hears we're going to Hawaii.
♪ Da-dee ♪
I can't wait to
see Esther's face.
Well, I can.
Esther... Esther, you better
go down to the car wash.
What for?
You should get your money back,
because they must have had
a broken bristle on the brush
when they spray-waxed your face.
Watch it, sucker.
Hey, Fred's going
on a trip, Esther.
To Hawaii, Aunt Esther.
He's been invited.
Why? They running
out of diseases?
Be nice to me, Esther.
I was gonna bring
you back a grass skirt
for looking out for
the place for me.
Oh, thank you, Fred.
But what would I
do with a grass skirt?
Graze.
Now, would you
two just stop, okay?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I'll get it. Come in!
Fred G. Sanford? FRED: Yeah.
Oh, I have your
tickets for Hawaii
and all of your
reservation information,
plus a small token of the
Association appreciation
for your participation
in the seminar.
Have a wonderful trip, sir.
I only travel first class.
Oh, but those tickets
are two first-class tickets.
That's good.
Well, I guess that's about it.
Except Mr. Smith will
contact you after you check in.
Goodbye, sir.
FRED: Goodbye.
Hey, that's unbelievable, Pop.
Man, they really got
them tickets here fast.
Yeah, that Mr. Smith
must have called right away,
wanted to make sure I
didn't change my mind.
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
MAN: It's absolutely vital
we catch these crooks
before they get a chance to
get the diamonds off the Island.
Understand?
Now, you've all got mug shots
of every well-known
heist artist in the business
and we got a line
on every one of them.
They haven't made their
move yet, but they will.
Well, suppose they get
some stranger to help them,
you know, pull the
old suitcase switch.
Ah, the old suitcase
switch, hmm?
Well, just keep your eyes and
ears open, you understand?
And I want you to know these
men are armed and dangerous,
so if you see or hear
anything suspicious,
shoot first, ask
questions after.
Got it?
That's all. Go.
Hold it a second, Burke.
Just... Just what is the
old, uh... suitcase switch?
Hey, your chauffeur is here!
FRED: That you, Rollo?
Right on, right on.
Don't touch anything,
keep your hands in your pockets,
and keep talking so I
know where you are.
What's happening, Rollo?
Hey, look here, don't pay
my father no mind, man.
See, he's so upset
about flying in a plane
that he's got mouth lag.
Hey, man, forget that.
Man, you lucky, man.
Hawaii. All them
beautiful chicks, mai tais...
Well, what do you think?
We think you look ridiculous.
This is what they
wear on the Islands.
Yeah, but you're not
on the Island now, Pop.
You on Central Avenue
and you might not
make it out of this
neighborhood in that outfit.
Hey, look here, Pops, I
think you look great, man.
And those wahines, they
gonna go wild over you, man.
Those who? Wahines, chicks.
Hey, man, look here, you're
going to the land of paradise.
And leaving Lion Country Safari.
Just come on in, Aunt Esther.
We were just
getting ready to leave.
Rollo's gonna drive
us to the airport.
Yeah, man, let's put
these bags in the truck.
All right.
Esther, I want you to know,
I appreciate you looking
out after my empire.
That's okay, Fred.
I live by the Good Book.
Do unto others, and
turn the other cheek.
You're not doing nothing to me,
and one of your cheeks
looks just as bad as the other.
Hey, Pops, I think we better
book, man. It's getting late.
All right.
Don't worry about a thing.
Thanks a lot, Aunt Esther.
Listen, as soon as
we get to Hawaii,
we're gonna send you a postcard.
And Janet has promised me,
that she's gonna come
over here on weekends
and help you and Woody out.
Don't worry about nothing.
Just have a good time.
Thank you.
And you too, Fred.
And take care of yourself.
LAMONT: Well, let's go, Pop.
Pop. I'm paralyzed!
Oh, get on out of this house.
[YELLS]
This must be Air Harlem.
You sit down here.
You sit by the window.
I already seen the sky.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
Sit... Sit down here.
Leave my hat alone.
[GRUNTING]
Whew.
Are we there yet?
Hey, Pop, just relax.
Now, it's gonna
be a fantastic flight.
Up here in first class, you
get to have anything you want.
Well, I wanna go home.
Hey, pilot.
Yes.
We're in trouble, son.
How are we doing
here? Oh, just fine.
Hey, you the
pilot? That's right.
Well, this is my
first long flight.
Mine too!
Uh, how long does it
take to get to Hawaii?
I don't know.
We've never made it.
PILOT: Well, have fun!
Pop?
Pop?
[GRUNTS]
Well, I figure at
about this time
our pigeon is wending his way
through the wild blue yonder.
Uh-huh.
Oh, then you got
everything arranged?
No problem.
I got the duplicate
case in the car.
In that case, we
better get changed
and get ourselves
over to the airport
and make sure that our
little pigeon lands safely.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm com... Wait a minute.
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
What do you think?
The way they've
been hanging around,
it doesn't look like
they're in a hurry
to get off the Island.
Maybe we're wasting our time.
Let's keep an eye
on them anyway.
They're the only lead we have.
Would you like some
more wine, Mr. Sanford?
Just a touch, if you don't mind.
If you'd like, you can take
some of these leftovers
to the tourist section.
Well, I think they're
getting along just fine.
Oh, that's good.
I like to see the ordinary
people enjoy themselves.
We're serving fresh
pineapple and "macadamians."
You like macadamians, don't you?
Yes, as long as they
don't live next door.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, no, macadamians, a
famous nut of the Island.
You should meet Bubba Bexley,
a famous nut of the mainland.
[LAUGHS]
Well, you just ring
if you need anything.
I need the washroom.
Well, it's to the
back of the cabin, sir.
Hey, Pop, can't you wait?
Hold this. I don't wanna wait.
Hold my salad, will you.
I'm making a
mess out of nothing.
Say, is this the
first class line?
Yes, we're all first class.
Well, go to the back of the
class, because I'm in a hurry.
Well, you'll have to
wait like the rest of us.
All right.
Uh, have you been
to Hawaii before?
Oh, yes, we go every season.
Ah, really?
I usually head for
the South of France.
San Tropez, or Trini Lopez.
What made you
choose Hawaii this year?
They have lovely
washrooms on their flight.
Let me show you. Behind me.
No way.
I paid to sit up front,
and I'm not going
to look at your tail section.
Well, I never.
Well, I have, but
not since I left Watts.
Hey... Come... Sir! Sir!
Aw, sir nothing.
No, lady, you wrong!
You are rude!
No, no!
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
Just in time. That's his plane.
I can't wait to see him.
He'll be easy to spot.
Wow, if that's the guy,
man, we got it made.
We've got it made.
I think he's cute.
Do you believe that guy?
No.
Wow.
That's our pigeon.
Wills and Davis seem to
be interested in this flight.
I'll get the passenger list,
and we'll start
checking them out.
Hey, that's a put-on.
He can't be as
stupid as he looks.
He is.
Looks intelligent to me.
To you, a rock
looks intelligent.
Are you sure he ain't
gonna give us any trouble?
If he does, he won't
need his return ticket.
No, he won't need nothing.
LAMONT: Well, Pop, we made it.
FRED: It's just like being
on my honeymoon again.
LAMONT: That's nice of you.
But I think you had too
much wine on the plane.
FRED: I don't mean you, dummy.
I mean the idea that
we're on a real holiday,
free, on the house, paid for.
It's just like the honeymoon.
LAMONT: Well, who
paid for your honeymoon?
FRED: Mom. LAMONT: Why?
FRED: I was broke.
LAMONT: You know,
you're really something, Pop.
FRED: That's what she said, son.
LAMONT: Hey, there it is.
FRED: Look at that, son.
"Welcome Junkmen of America."
Hey, how many shells
I owe you? What?
You know, shells, coconut chips,
whatever you use for money here.
Partner, you explain to
this old guy this is America.
The fare is 6 bucks.
Here, I'll give it to him.
No, don't take it. I'll pay it.
It's a honeymoon.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Mahalo. Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, and you another
one, and your momma.
[♪♪♪]
Your air conditioning is here,
and you've got your
radio and your television
controlled from here,
and if you take your elevator
down to the cabana level,
you can get your
lounges and your towels.
If there's anything
else you need,
just dial your number eight.
Oh, thank you very much.
Is there anything else you need?
Look, I know when you
check somebody into
one of your fancy suites
you expect one of your big tips.
Oh, no, no. Not really, sir.
Thank you.
Will that be all?
Unless you want to sing us
two choruses of "Sweet Salami."
That's "Leilani."
Yeah, that too.
What quiz show did
you guys win for this trip?
The Dating Game.
Aloha.
Hey, Pop, do you believe this?
This is unbelievable.
What's unbelievable
is that there are people
that can afford this.
Look at it.
This must cost 20, 25 a night.
No, Pop, $135 a night.
What, $135? That's right.
Well, don't step on the carpet.
Are they crazy?
That's more than the down
payment on my first house,
and then they threw
in a refrigerator.
You know, Pop, I'm
really proud of you.
Being important
enough to be asked
to come over here and speak,
and get all this for free.
Yeah, that's good.
But wouldn't it be something
if we could afford to
travel like this any time.
I let you down, son.
Would you cut it out?
Now, we got an empire, remember?
That's no empire. It's nothing.
I'm nobody. I'm
a failure, a loser.
And you better start
disagreeing with me,
or else I'll give you
five across your lip.
Come on, Pop,
you're not a nothing,
and you're not a failure.
But I'm a loser and a nobody?
You're a somebody, Pop.
And you're my pop,
and I wouldn't have
it any other way.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'll get it.
These were delivered
for you, and forget the tip.
I'm writing you
off as a tax loss.
He's pushy.
Look at this.
Hey, there's a card.
What the card say?
Oh, hey, Pop, it's from the
convention chairman, Mr. Smith.
He just wanted to
welcome us to Hawaii,
and he said he'll be
in touch with us later.
Well, let's go and unpack.
Then head for the beach.
All right, I'm for that.
Hawaii is calling.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, son.
Hey, Pop, where
did you get that outfit?
Bubba gave it to me
for a going away gift.
Oh, yeah? It looks adorable.
Yeah, his wife cut it down
from a pair of her slacks.
Well, I guess if you live
in a $135-a-day suite,
you can afford to
wear outfits like this.
Yeah.
Hey what do you say we get
some of them Hawaiian drinks?
I don't know, Pop. The
sun and booze just don't mix.
It could hit you pretty hard.
Listen, son, you only live once.
Let's celebrate.
Everything's on the house.
Waitress? Waitress!
May I help you, sir?
Oh, yes. I'd like to
have two mai tais,
make them double,
and heavy on the rum.
Right away, sir.
Just a moment. What
do you want, son?
Well, I'll just have
one of yours, Pop.
You can't have
one of my mai tais.
You have to have one
of your own "your tais."
Uh, give him a "his tai."
You know, Pop,
I'd like to bring
Janet here someday.
Bring a girl here?
Sure.
You're crazy.
That's like taking a kumquat
to the Garden of Eden.
Just stop that.
Sit down there.
Here, let's get
some of this sun.
[SIGHS]
FRED: Hi there.
Fred G. Sanford...
Sanford and Son, Los Angeles.
We're with the junkmen.
How about you?
My son and I were invited
here by the committee.
We got a great
big suite upstairs.
Well, at least he's alive.
There's a hurricane
gonna hit here
in about an hour and a half.
Gonna kill everybody.
Hey, your swimming
trunks are on fire!
Will you stop annoying that man?
I'm not annoying this
man. He's enjoying it.
Look how happy he is.
Say, uh, what are you
gonna tell all your friends
when you get back to Tokyo?
It's Brooklyn.
And I'm gonna tell them
some jerk's been
bugging me at the pool.
They're starting the hula
lessons now, sir, on the beach,
if you'd like to get in on it.
Come on, son, let's go.
We don't want to miss nothing.
Come on.
[CHUCKLES]
That old turkey's gonna dance.
He'll be busy for a while.
This would be a good
time to make the switch.
Yeah, I'll get the
suitcase out of the car.
I'll make sure he
don't leave the beach.
[PLAYING "MY LITTLE
GRASS SHACK"]
Are you ready? Go.
♪ I wanna go back ♪
♪ To my little grass shack
In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪
♪ I wanna be with ♪
Oh, sure come in, join us.
Stand over there. It's free.
Take two steps to the left.
Two to the left.
And make your
'okole a little loose.
This is your 'okole, okay?
Really make it
loose like this, okay?
That's good, okay. Now...
You like that? Look like that?
Okay, follow me.
Okay, follow you.
Where you going?
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, okay.
♪ It won't be
long till my ship ♪
This is a ship.
♪ Back to Kona ♪
Kona.
It's a grand old place.
["MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE"
THEME PLAYING]
HULA TEACHER: ♪
Then you're the one ♪♪
And they say, "Come, come."
Come, come, come. Come, come.
That's it.
Oh, you're pure
Hawaiian, pure Hawaiian.
What do you think?
Let's pull him in
and see what we get.
Sir.
What's going on?
You want to come
along with us, please.
[TRIBAL DRUM MUSIC PLAYING]
[FRED YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
FRED: Let's get in!
Come on, let's row!
Wait a minute! Watch that water!
Row! Row!
Row! Row! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! Wait a minute!
Hey, look, Pop, don't try to
do everything the first day.
Oh, son, I was
born for the beach.
I got sand in my veins,
and I got water on my knee.
Look, why don't we
go up to the hotel room
and rest before the luau?
Why don't we have
another mai tai just for luck?
Pop, you've had five
of those things already.
I know it tastes
like fruit juice,
but they're gonna
hit you pretty hard.
See, I'd like to try that.
What?
Surfing. Can't you see
me now, riding the wave?
No, but I can see you
drowning in the waves.
Who, me?
I can give Buster Crabbe
and Mark Spitz lessons.
In what?
Crabbing and spitting.
Hello, fellow surfer.
You surf?
Yeah.
Banzai Pipeline Sanford.
That's what they call me.
Can I use your board?
Pop, are you crazy?
You got to be a little
crazy to surf. Go ahead.
Now, look, son,
try to get a camera,
because I wouldn't
want Donna to miss this.
Hold that for me.
Easy, Pop.
Oh, that surfing was tough, son.
Sure is.
But I did ride that
wave in, didn't I?
Like a dream, Pop.
I must have hit my
head on something.
Years ago.
I got this headache.
It must have been the pounding.
Yeah, the ice against the straw.
Maybe I'll just lay
down here for a while.
Now, that's a good
idea. Just relax.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I... I'll get it.
Yes? Mr. Sanford?
I'm Mr. Sanford. He's my son.
Well, that makes
him Mr. Sanford too.
See, son, the police are
the same everywhere.
They pick up one clue,
and before you know it,
they've figured
out the whole thing.
May I come in? Yeah,
sure, come on in.
Uh, wait a minute. Do
you have a warrant?
Pop, would you stop
sounding like a crook?
Come on in. Thank you.
Well, this is, uh...
This is quite a layout.
Okay, okay, let's have it.
Have what?
The ticket for drunk surfing.
No, that's Water Traffic
Division, Mr. Sanford.
I'm from Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0?
That's right.
How's McGarrett's hair?
Well, what can we do for you?
Well, there's been
a big jewel heist,
and we know the
thieves are trying
to get the diamonds
off the Island.
So?
Well, we just arrested a
suspect outside the hotel,
and we're just checking
with all the guests
to see if they saw him
going into any of the rooms.
We just got up here a
minute ago ourselves.
Would you, uh... Would you mind
taking a look at his photograph,
and see if you find
his face familiar?
I don't know.
It seems a little familiar,
but I can't be too sure.
Look, we don't know him,
and we don't know
anything about no diamonds.
I'm here as a guest speaker
for the Junkmen of America,
and I'd like to be treated
with all the respect
that junk deserves.
Well, we have to
check with everyone.
See, we know he's
trying to get somebody
to take the jewels
back to the mainland.
Well, you can search
the place if you want to.
Search? Without a warrant.
What about our rights?
I've traveled all
over the world.
I'm Fred G. Sanford and
the "G" is for Greyhound.
All right, Mr. Sanford,
but if either one of you
see or hear anything, would
you please let us know?
We will, but honestly,
if you want to search the place,
you... You're free to do this.
That's not necessary.
When... When will you
be leaving the Island?
Well, right after
the convention.
It starts tomorrow.
I'll be seeing you.
He got some nerve thinking
that we were with some thieves.
Don't tell him that
you know Rollo.
Hey, Pop, I don't know
what you got so excited about.
He seemed like
a pretty nice guy.
Sure, that's the way
they do. Nice and polite.
"Yes, sir. No, sir.
Nice to meet you. Thank you."
Then, pow!
Twenty years up the
river without a surfboard.
[ENERGETIC DRUM MUSIC PLAYING]
FRED: Son, I'm beginning
to feel very homesick.
Why, Pop?
Because the main course
reminds me of Esther.
Hey, Pop, did you taste this?
What is it?
Poi.
Poi, oh, poi.
[GRUNTS]
Mr. Sanford,
since you did so well with
your lesson on the beach,
would you like to
join us for a number?
Oh, no, thank you.
Where do I stand? Right here.
Way to go, Pop!
Everybody, now, we know
what most of us learn the hula
when we're very young,
but once in a while,
we find a visitor
who catches on so quickly
that we like to
show him off a little.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Please, please.
Uh, now, tell us some more.
Well, Mr. Sanford
took only one lesson
and already he's learned
to tell beautiful
words with his hands.
Yeah, and I learned how to
write numbers with my hands.
703. What's that?
My room number.
All right, our prize
pupil, Mr. Fred Sanford.
Yeah!
♪ Back to my
little grass shack ♪
♪ In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪
HULA TEACHER: Good, good.
♪ I wanna be
With all the kanes ♪
♪ And wahines ♪
Good. That's serious. Good.
[LAUGHS]
♪ I can hear the old
Hawaiians saying ♪
♪ Komo mai no kâua
i ka hale welakahao ♪
[LAUGHS]
♪ Sailing back to Kona ♪♪
Hit it, brother!
♪ And would I be sure ♪
♪ That this is love
beyond compare? ♪
♪ Would all this be true ♪
♪ If I didn't care for ♪
♪ Bah-bah-dah-der-dei-
bah-oooh-aah? ♪♪
We've got trouble.
You can say that again.
I have run out of
cuticle remover.
Gladys, you have
taught me one great thing.
Oh, that's nice. What?
Never to answer an ad
in The Free Press again.
You are always so gloomy.
Mmm.
Well, they picked up
Wills, and sooner or later,
that guy is gonna talk,
so what you got to
do is get dressed,
get down to the Sanfords' room
pick up that case
with the diamonds.
Meantime, I'll go
down to the luau
and make sure that
he gets off the Island
before they can
connect us with him.
And I'll get our boys
and figure out some way
that we can get off the Island.
What should I wear?
Just get the case
with the diamonds.
I don't care what you wear.
But if you don't hurry,
you'll be wearing stripes.
Uh-uh, stripes make me look fat.
[SIGHS]
You know, Pop, I
got to tell you, man,
man, your singing and
dancing was just great.
I know.
But, you know you
don't look so good, Pop.
I know it, son. I
don't feel too good.
Maybe I had too much sun
and mai tais and poi pois.
Why don't you go upstairs
and lie down for a while?
I think I will.
You stay down here and
have yourself a good time.
Are you sure? Sure, I'm sure.
Aloha. Okay.
DAVIS: Hey... Hey there.
You are... You are Mr. Sanford?
Well, yes, sir.
I'm Mr. Smith,
from the convention.
Oh, hey, Mr. Smith.
I'm glad to meet you.
Say, listen, me and my pop,
we're having a great time.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid
we've got a little
trouble, though.
What's the problem?
Well, it's the agenda.
You see, that...
That panel discussion
that we were supposed to have,
that's the reason
we invited you here,
and we ain't gonna
have no time for it,
so, uh, I'm afraid
we can't continue
to pick up the check
for your accommodations.
Well, who's gonna pay for it?
Hey, that is a
problem, ain't it?
Mr. Smith, my pop and I,
we can't afford $135 a day.
Oh...
Well, there is a plane
leaving for the mainland
in an hour.
Well, that's some association.
What am I supposed
to tell my pop now?
How about, "Start
packing, Daddy"?
["MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE"
THEME PLAYING]
GLADYS: Uh, hi.
I thought we just got
the room and the meals.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, well, I'm your
new chambermaid,
and, um, these
are our new outfits.
Kind of cute, aren't they?
Look, you must
have the wrong room,
and I don't feel so good,
so go clean up somewhere else.
Um, okay.
Um, fine... I think.
Um... Welcome to the Islands.
Aloha.
Aloha.
Hello. Hi.
I think you better
sit down, Pop.
I got some bad news.
Aha, we got our first big break.
Thank you.
Wills talked... told
us the whole scheme,
how they figured on
getting the diamonds
off the Island and
everything, huh?
Now, half of you
guys get out there,
run down Davis and his boys.
Burke, you go talk to Sanford.
Tell him we understand
we know he was just being
used by Davis, a patsy.
He should still
have the diamonds.
Me, I'll call McGarrett,
give him time to
get his hair teased
before we meet with the press.
Chop, chop and chop.
Hello, Fi... Dial nine first?
Thank you, operator.
FRED: I'll sue them,
that's what I'll do!
Hey, Pop, just try
to calm down, okay?
Calm down? Are you kidding?
Dragging us all the way over
here and canceling the panel.
Some junk association.
I'll just resign.
That's what I'll do.
Either I broke my glasses,
or we in Zsa Zsa
Gabor's old room.
Pop, you didn't
bring your glasses.
These are the diamonds
that everybody's
been looking for.
Then by the process
of elimination,
we in big trouble.
With all these carats, I may
never need glasses again.
Hey, wait a minute,
now I remember.
That picture that
the police showed us,
that was Freddie Wills, Pop.
We went to high school together,
until he graduated
to San Quentin.
He knows us? Sure he knows us.
And that Mr. Smith is a phony.
Pop, they got us to Hawaii,
so we could smuggle these
diamonds back to the mainland.
Because we're stupid.
No, because nobody
would suspect us.
We're smugglers.
We're not anything,
Pop, but innocent.
You think anybody's
gonna believe that?
Well, we can try. I'm
gonna call Hawaii Five-0.
No, you call the airport,
because there's only two cops
I'm gonna give
this stuff back to.
Hoppy and Smitty.
These cops won't
believe we're innocent.
After all, I threw
them out of here,
wouldn't give them a
chance to search the place.
Well, what are they gonna think,
if they catch us trying to
smuggle these diamonds?
Uh, then we'll pretend
that you knew and I didn't,
and you'll go to jail,
and I'll go to Watts.
Would you put those back?
All of them.
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
They've checked out.
If they've discovered
the diamonds,
Davis will kill
them in a second.
Wills is out on bail. He
must be with Davis too.
Let's get to the airport.
We've got to protect
those junkmen.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think this
gonna work out all right.
They're going to take
them diamonds home
without even
knowing they got them.
Just hope the
cops don't get here
before the plane leaves.
You had to go tell
them everything.
Well, they were hollering at me.
Uh, we'd like to
check these bags.
Okay.
Excuse, please. Is this
the flight to San Francisco?
Uh, no, sir, next
counter. Thank you.
ATTENDANT: Now, sir,
checking these through to L.A.
Not the black one.
Hey, Pop, you can't take
that bag on board the plane.
I'm not letting it
out of my sight.
The bag'll be safe.
I'm carrying it. ATTENDANT:
But you can't, sir.
I'll check it for you.
No, wait a minute, look.
You can't. Don't
tell me what I can't...!
Hey, Pop, that's not our bag!
Hey, the diamonds
ain't in that bag.
They must've stashed
them someplace else.
Uh-oh, we better
get out of here, son.
Let's get them!
Is this dress okay?
Uh...
Remember, they don't
get off this island alive.
VOICEOVER: Next
week in the conclusion
of the "Hawaiian Connection,"
Fred Sanford, using all the
intelligence at his disposal,
finds himself in deeper trouble.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]