Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 25 - The Family Man - full transcript

The story of Grady and his eyebrow-raising gift to his daughter and son-in-law just before their cocktail party for stuffy university professors.


Where were you, Grady?

I was just standing behind
you reading the paper.

And I was the one
who said "Ah-ah!"

No, I mean where have you
been since early this morning?

Well, traveling, Rollo.

It's a two-hour bus ride
from my daughter's house

out in Westwood.

Hey, man, that
was five hours ago.


Yeah, well, you see,

the bus that I got on, it
went through Beverly Hills,

and when it got into
Beverly Hills and stopped,

I decided to get off.

For what?

To mingle with the hoi-palloi.

You know, so
that's why I'm late.

I started walking up and
down those Beverly Hills streets,

up to hoi and down to palloi.

And Rollo, after looking at
those millionaires' homes,

I got carried away.

Carried away by the
Beverly Hills mansions?

No, by the Beverly Hills police.

They don't like
us walking around

looking at those
millionaires' homes.

You mean you got busted?

Oh, no, just questioned

and directed to
the number 83 bus.

Where is Fred and Lamont, Rollo?

Reckon they're
out looking for you.

Oh. You know what, Rollo?


I-I just think

I'm going to move out
of my daughter's house.

I mean, I just feel
so miserable there.

Hey, man, it's natural
to feel that way.

It is?

Sure it is. Look, man.

I mean, you're living
with them, right?


And you feel like you're taking

and not giving them
anything, right? Right.

Well, tell me this.

How did they like
the housewarming gift

you gave them?

Well, they never said thank you.

Why not?

I never gave them one.

Well, that's the problem, Grady.

Hey, man, give them a gift.

You know, a nice
housewarming gift, man.

Then they'll be grateful to you.

Then you'll feel good

because you gave them something.

Oh. Wow. You're right, Rollo.

Hey, that's really great.

I'll go get them
something that they want,

and then they'll really
be glad they met me.

Right. Yeah. Thanks, Rollo.

And I know just the
thing to get them.


An original oil painting

for over the fireplace
in the living room.

And I'll get it

from one of those very
expensive art stores

and spend my very
last cent on it, $67.80.

All right, now,

the only way you're going to
get anything out of this exercise

is to get your knees
up to your chest.

Come on, now. Come on. Come on.

You see that this
exercise... Can you feel that?

Here, like this. I sure can.

That's it. All right.
Now, this exercise

is good for stretching
the hamstring muscles.

All right. How many
should we do, coach?

Well, you do 10, and
then you build up, all right.

Now, let's see... We
want to get these to here.

Okay, now, one, two, three.

There it is. That's
it, that's it. There.

Perfect, just perfect.

Two... That's it.

Three... four... five.

Now, how does that feel?

Oh, I feel it, I really feel it.

Good, good.

After you gentlemen
are done feeling it,

I'd like to see the coach
in the kitchen, please.


Why don't you change
places. I'll be right back.

Okay, coach.

Did you, uh, did
you just drop that?

No, baby, I didn't
just drop that.

That is our winter
crop coming in.

Oh, well, hey.

Look, the celery is doing fine

and the radishes
are nice and red

the greens are all
nice and green, and...

Oh, my goodness,

look how nice those
legs are coming in.

I can't wait for dinner.

I think I'm eating out.

Well, listen, hon.
What's the matter?

Well, it's 4:00,

and we're having
a dinner party at 8

on the dining room table.

Now, if you don't get the
UCLA track team off of it,

we're going to have a
very lumpy tablecloth.

You got it.

Is my father home yet?

Poppy? No, I haven't seen him.

Well, I hope
everything's all right.

I mean, it's getting late.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine,

so why don't you just
come on over here?

Will you stop that? Hmm?

Hal... I mean, you
know what you are?


You are a sex maniac.

I mean, I married a sex maniac.

Thank you, dear.

No, it's my pleasure.

Oh, it's been a
pleasure of mine.

Over here.

Oh, you got it.

Hi, Ma. Hi, babe.

Daddy not home yet?

Uh, Roger, this is
my mom and dad.

Yes, Mom and Dad.

Hey, Roger, how are you doing?

Hiya, Coach.

I'm coming out for the
freshman track team

this year.

I'm really looking forward
to training under you.

I followed all your
records at Chicago

and I read all about you

when you were on
the track team here.

Oh, man, you were
something else.


Me and Hal Marshall...

Roger, Roger... Uh,
what's your event?

Oh, he does the
two-minute handshake.

Roger's going to help me with
my homework. Come on, Rog.

Bye, coach. Wow.

Are you done with me?

Oh, yes.

Oh, but would you get Tweedle
Dumb and Tweedle Dumber

off my dining room table?

Sure, but how about
a quick kiss first?

Ask them.

You know, Ellie, sometimes,
I don't think you realize

that you are living
in the same house

with the great Hal Marshall.

Well, now, how could I forget?

Hey, son.

Hi, Pop. Ma... Yes, baby.

Why'd you put
those two white guys

on the dining room table?

They're gonna love this.

They're gonn... Wow!

Oh, they're going to
love it, love it, love it.

Hi, Gramps.

Laurie, what in the
devil is wrong with you,

walking into a room

where your grandfather is and...

Is he bothering you?

He is my friend.

Roger, this is my Grandpa Grady.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I left my notebook
in your bedroom.

I'll be right back.

In the bedroom?

Oh, it's all right.

We were just doing our homework.

Homework in the bedroom?

See you later, Laurie.

So long, Rog. Bye, Gramps.

Uh, Laurie,

if you do the homework
in the bedroom,

what's the name of the course?

Oh, Grandpa.

Oh, Grandpa.

What you young ladies need today

is more housework
and less homework.

Homework, in the bed...

What is... Poppy!
What is going on?

I mean, where have you been?

Well, I...

Don't you know that I'm
having a dinner party?

You said you were going to help.

But I am going
to help you, Ellie.

But when, Pop?

But, I mean, that's
what I was doing.

I was out getting you
a present for the party.

A present for the... Oh, Poppy.

I mean, Poppy, you
didn't have to do that.

Uh, Poppy, I'm sorry
that I yelled at you, but...

Hey, no, no, it's all right.

I love it when you yell at me.

I mean, that's what
families are supposed to do

in their own homes.


They're supposed
to yell at each other.

Wait a minute.

Go get my son-in-law. I
want him to see this too.

Okay. Hal?

Oh, that's magnificent.

Oh, good goobly goop!

Well, come on.
What do you think?

Well, um...

I just can't find the
right words, Poppy.

Yeah, I know exactly
what you mean.

Um... Um... Great.

Great colors.

What a body.

This is a rare classic,

made on velvet
with fresh paint...

And it was signed by the
man who runs the store.

Isn't that something?

Yes, that's something.

May I see you in
the kitchen, Harold?


Uh, hey.

Hey hey.

Hey hey!

Yeah, Poppy, you
shouldn't have done it.

Thank you.

Was it very expensive, Grandpa?

Eh, Sugarpoo, it's,
it's not the money.

It's the thought that counts...

Oh, Grandpa...

And I thought I spent $67.80.

The worst painting

I have ever seen
in my entire life.

Oh, come on, Ellie.
Now, you're just jealous

because she's
thinner than you are.

Uh, you're not funny, Harold.

I mean, all those
university people coming,

and what's the first
thing they're going to see

when I open the door?

A naked lady with her
fingers in her mouth.

Ellie, you're not going

to get dressed for the party?

Uh, Hal, would you just
go out and take it down?

No, I can't do that.

Now, just think about

how your father's going to feel.

I am thinking of how my
husband is going to look.

To whom?

Oh, to Professor Stoneham,

your coach, Boomer
Bradley, your colleagues.

Baby, listen, just go
out and take it down.

All right, all right, I'll
go out and take it down,

but you're going to have
to tell your father why.

Oh, you are a
coward, aren't you?

I mean, that's what
you are, a coward.

No, no, no. I am a sex maniac.

You are a coward.

Okay, you know,

I'm going to show you
what kind of coward I am.

I'm going to go right out there

and tell him exactly the truth.

I'm going to tell
him that I love it

and you can't stand it.

No, really, that's
what I'm going to do.

Now, who is this? Avon lady?

I mean, it is too early
for anybody to be here.


Oh my, Ellie, it's beautiful!

It's the first thing
that hits your eyes

as you open the door.


It just comes blasting
right out at you.

Wow. Step outside and try it.


No, no, no. Go outside.

Make believe you're a
guest coming for the first time.


No, it's all right.

Would you open the door, please?

Uh, no, guests
must ring the bell.

I don't believe this.

♪ Who is it? ♪

Would you open the door?

Poppy, I think you
better open the door.

Well, good evening.

Is there anything
that strikes you

as being outstanding?

Oh, yes.

Mr. Wilson... I
mean, now, that is...

a beautiful painting.

Well, thank you. Come again.

See, I told you...

Uh, I think everybody
should... get dressed.

Yeah, Poppy, let's get dressed.

Oh, of course.

I mean, after all, I
want to look right

when those people
from the university

come to my house.

You look fine.

I want the folks
from your alma mater

to really like your alma father.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Devore.
It's good to see you.

Come on in.

Uh, excuse me, Professor.

Can I get you something?

No, thank you,
Mr. Wilson. We're just fine.

Did you want
something, Terestia?

Do you have any carrot juice?

Uh, I'll see if I can
squeeze you some.

Aren't you the professor
of art at the university?

Yes, I am.

Well, now, may I ask

your honest,
unprejudiced opinion

of the piece of art
over the fireplace?

Oh, well, personally...

That I bought with
my last penny?

I love it.

And on the back,

there's a very
important piece of paper

with writing on it.

Uh, probably the
story of the painting.

No, the model's phone number.

I'll see if I can get
you some carrot juice.

Coach, everything all right?

Mrs. Bradley?

Wonderful, thank you.

It's great being
in your house, Hal.

We've come full
circle, haven't we?

I mean, I remember the time

you came out for
track 15 years ago.

Look at him. He
hasn't changed a bit.

Still in great shape,
dedicated, team came first,

holds three records
here at the school.

Hey, let me ask you something...

Do you still have
the same thighs?

Yeah, I think so.

Phyllis, feel those thighs.

Come on, come on, don't be shy.

Come here. Feel them.

Are those thighs?

Yes, Boomer.

Well, Coach, I can see
you're having a great time.

I'll talk to you later.


He's going to make some addition

to our athletic department.

Well, thank goodness

he isn't in the art department.


Why would he hang that picture?

I don't know.

He should have hung the artist.


Oh, the Sullivans, how are you?

I'm so glad you could make it.

This is the best
that I could do.

It's tasteless.

It's the worst
combination of colors

I've ever seen.

You should be used to that.

You know ugly. I know
ugly. What could be uglier?

An ugly picture.

My dear, that is the
epitome of bad taste.

The rest of the room
is in beautiful taste,

but this painting...

May I have your
attention, please?

I want to say

that I gave this
tasteless picture

to my daughter as a present.

Now, she knew it was tasteless,

but she hung it up anyway

because she didn't
want to hurt my feelings.

My daughter and son-in-law

have as much class
as anybody in this room,

and a lot more nice,

so don't you think
that they're stupid.

It's me who's stupid.

Oh, Poppy, wait a minute.

No, no, wait a minute,
Poppy. What are you doing?

I'm going to take
my tasteless picture.

I'm going up to my room.


Anyone want a drink?

That's it.

That was just stupid.

Just plain dumb.

I don't belong
here, it's what it is.

I don't belong here.

I'm leaving, leaving,
leaving, leaving.

Listen, uh, would you relax?

Now, how can I relax?

He'll be all right. Come here.

Oh, Hal, listen. I've
called everywhere.

I mean, where is he?

Easy. Now, he's a grown man,

and he can take care of himself.

Okay? All right?

I didn't have the
money for the bus.

Poppy! Where have you been?

We have been going crazy.
Come in here and sit down.

No, no, no. You sit down.

I don't want to sit
down. I just need some...

Poppy, sit down. Just sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

I just want to borrow
some money for the bus.

Poppy, just tell us
where you've been.

No, no, now, don't
ask me where I've been,

because I don't want
to have to tell you

that I'm leaving.


Poppy, why do you want to leave?

Because I'm just
taking, taking, taking.

I'm not giving, giving, giving.

That's why I'm leaving,
leaving, leaving.

Taking what? You're
not taking anything.

He's right, Poppy.
You're giving.

What do I give?

Oh, Poppy. Remember
what you used to tell me

when I was little? Huh?

You used to say if a
tree don't have no roots,

you don't have no tree.

Now, that's what you
give this family, Poppy,

our roots.

I give that?

Yes, Poppy.

And the tackiest
painting I've ever seen

in my entire life.

Ellie, Ellie, listen...
No, I mean it.

Hal, she's absolutely right.

I mean, my picture made
your house look ugly.

That dumb painting

shouldn't make us
uncomfortable in our own home.

Poppy, you bought that painting
because you love us, right?

And we hung it
because we love you.




All right.

Hey, come here, man.

Oh, Poppy.

All right, I'll... I'm
going up to my room.

Uh, oh, Ellie?

Yes, Poppy?

Uh, I hate flowered
sheets in my room.

I mean, they make me feel
like I'm sleeping in a forest...

with Bambi and the
chipmunks and squirrels.

Uh... get solid purple.

Uh, Hal?

Yes, dear.

I hate solid purple.

Get purple.

♪ Oh, the mairzy
doats And dozy doats ♪

♪ And liddle lamzy divey ♪

♪ A kiddley divey too ♪

♪ Wouldn't you? ♪

♪ Zep dee dep... ♪

Hi, Poppy.


Kids home from school yet?

Yeah. Haywood come in,

and he came in
with a whole bunch,

and they asked me to
fix some chocolate milk

to go with their
chocolate chip cookies.

Hey, Gramps...
they loved it. Thanks.

Uh, what?

The picture in Haywood's
room... What a body!