Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 1 - Earthquake II - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no.

My empire's crumbled.

Oh, no, Elizabeth.

I'm coming to join you, honey.

You'll recognize me, darling.

I'll be the one with the
birdcage on my foot.

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Hello?

Yeah, I want to... I
want to report a break-in.



Yeah, a break in my house
and a break in my horse.

What location?

I'd say it was about 3
inches on the left of his tail.

Yeah, well, you're another one.

And your mama.

Well, what's the matter, Pop?

I-I had a break-in.

Nobody broke in
here. Well, what is this?

A self-inflicted wound?

No, there was a small
earthquake last night,

and a few things got,
you know, shook around.

I must've slept
right through it.

Thank goodness it
was just an earthquake.

What do you mean,
just an earthquake?



Well, just an earthquake.

This place is solid as a rock.

A fortress.

Like they say...

In time, the Rockies may tumble,

Gibraltar might crumble...

They're only
made of clay, but...

♪ My junk Is here to stay ♪

♪ Ba ba ba bum ♪

[RUMBLING]

My...

Help!

Call the National Guard!

Call the police!

[RUMBLING FADES]

Well, it's all over,
Pop. How do you feel?

Fine, thank you.

How are you?

You know... I'll tell you, Pop.

You know, it's a...

It's a good thing

we don't live closer to
the San Andreas fault.

It could have been a lot worse.

How could it be worse?

Lookit, all my stuff is broken.

The walls all cracked... Oh, no.

Look at my antique chair.

My Louis the 14th.

And 15th.

And 16th century.

Hey.

Why don't you sit
down over there, Pop,

and try to compose
yourself... Yeah.

Because these earthquakes
is hard on a fellow.

I don't understand why
people move out here.

Phew.

Earthquakes on the coast,

120-degree temperature
out in the desert.

They ought to change
the name of California

to Shake 'n Bake, USA.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What's the matter, Grady?

Well, it's... It's
really nothing much

to be concerned
about, Mr. Sanford.

He's merely experiencing

a mild gastrointestinal
imbalance

precipitated by acute
anti-gravitational pull

in the lower abdominal cavity.

I gotta throw up.

Oh, I-I'm gonna be all right.

I'm just a little s-seasick
from the earthquake, yeah.

I take it you and Lamont
have read this morning's paper,

the article about the two
Russian seismologists?

Oh, yeah, I saw it.

Say, Lamont, what's
he talking about?

What two Russians?

Well, these two
Russian seismologists

say they've
discovered a new fault.

Well, what was wrong
with the old one?

And they're predicting
a massive earthquake

on November 6th.

November 6th?

That's only five days away!

Don't worry about a
thing, Pop. It's not possible.

I beg to differ
with you, Lamont.

Today is November the 1st,

and it's extremely possible

that November the 6th
is only five days away.

Excuse me, Mr. Wilson,

I think what Lamont meant

was that the massive
earthquake is unlikely to happen.

Oh, that's good.

Wow. Thank you, Lamont.

You know, none of
the American experts

agree with the
Russian experts either.

What did they say?

Well, here's a newspaper.

Should be an article right
here on the front page,

reprinted courtesy of

that fantastically respected
publication Pravda.

Now, according to the
two Commie pinkos,

the fault begins

up here in the San
Fernando Valley,

cuts down the San Diego freeway

to the Slauson cutoff, and it...

The Slauson cutoff,
you know what that is?

That's where you
get outta your car

and cut off your Slauson.

[GRADY LAUGHS]

Heeere's Johnny!

Heeere's knuckles!

Let's see, then it says

it continues on
through Hollywood,

slices into Watts right past
9114 South Central Avenue...

FRED: Hold it, hold
it. Turns eastward at...

Hold it, hold it.

Did you say 9114?

This is 9114 South Central...

Holy moly, I am standing
on a potential earthquake.

That is bad luck.

You know what they say?

Step on a crack, break
your mother's back.

Well, "so short."

GRADY: So long!

So long, right.

Hey, son, you
wanna give me a hand

covering up some of these cracks

before the people get
here to see the house?

Hey, Pop, you're
not selling this house.

Who said anything
about selling it?

I'm unloading it

on the first sucker
that make me an offer.

And then what are you gonna do?

Where are you gonna live then?

Oh, probably Nevada.

You know, I've been looking

at some prime
ocean-front property.

Nevada isn't on the ocean.

It will be after the quake.

Now, come on with
me, son. You'll have fun.

I'm not going to Nevada.

Okay, you got three
days before Q-Day

to think about it.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That must be Mr. and
Mrs. Sucker Johnson.

Now, listen,

don't try serving no
gingerbread cookies

or nothing like that.

I'm gonna get 'em in here fast

and get 'em on outta here in
case there's another tremor.

I'm not gonna have
anything to do with this.

Then stay out. Mind
your own business.

I can take care of this
myself. I know how to handle...

Hello. We're the
Johnsons from Kansas City.

Yes, the suckers... I
mean, the Johnsons.

Come right in.

Come right in. I'll show
you right over here.

Move, honey, move.

This is the kitchen over there.

This is the living
room. This is 15 by 8.

It was built in 1921,

and then in 1965, we
repainted the place...

and over here, see, I
threw the carpets out,

all this furniture is
original reproduction

of something famous.

Come on up here. I'll
show you the rest of it.

Right up here.
WOMAN: I'm not sure...

Move, honey, move.
Do you hear that? Move!

Go all the way up
there. Come on.

There you are. Now, look here.

This is the bedroom.
[DOOR CLOSES]

Second bedroom. [DOOR CLOSES]

Sun room. [DOOR CLOSES]

Bathroom. LAMONT: Hey!

FRED: Excuse me. [DOOR CLOSES]

Linen closet on the
left. [DOOR CLOSES]

Clothes closet on the
right. [DOOR CLOSES]

Storage room. [DOOR CLOSES]

Utility room. [DOOR CLOSES]

Back to the living room.

Hurry, move down there, folks.

Back to the living room.

Hey, you gonna take it?

Well, I think I'd
like to see it first.

I've seen enough, Mavis.
It's perfect, Mr. Sanford.

I can relocate my
junk business here

with no problem at all.

Good, good.

Leonard, are you crazy?

This place looks
an earthquake hit it.

Shut up, lady.

Now, listen, I'll accept
any reasonable offer.

[RUMBLING]

[SHOUTING] Any reasonable offer.

Any way you wanna pay...

You can pay anything
you want down.

It don't make no
difference, see,

because... because see, the...

[RUMBLING GETS LOUDER]

You can just... I'll
change the price for you.

I'll be very flexible
with the price.

You can move in
anytime you get ready.

[RUMBLING STOPS]

[CONTINUES SHOUTING]
You can move right in there...

[NORMAL VOICE]
You can move right in.

What...? What was that?

Oh, that.

Well, see, that was
the Watts subway.

You heard of the
Watts line? That was it.

I didn't know Los
Angeles had a subway.

Shh! Yes, but we're
trying to keep it a secret,

because we don't
want no overcrowding.

Now, I'll accept
any reasonable offer.

Well, I'll give you $11,000.

I was thinking more like 22,

and I won't take a
cent less than 22.

Come along, Mavis.

Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I lied. I lied. I'll accept.

I'll accept.

Now, here's the keys
to the house, and...

Wait a minute,
Leonard, this place is...

I don't know. I wish
you'd reconsider.

This place is so ramshackle.

Why don't you take that
shackle and ram it in your mouth?

Then it's all set.

I'll meet you tomorrow
at the escrow office.

Now, may I call a cab?

Leonard, why don't we
just take the subway?

Oh! Hey, that's...

That's a good idea, Leonard.

Why don't y'all take the subway,

right on out there.

Uh, where's the nearest
subway station, Mr. Sanford?

Uh, just walk east.

And turn left in Philadelphia!

There, son, 270 smackeroos

from my once-in-a-lifetime

earthshaking
eve-of-destruction sale.

Not bad, eh?

Not bad?

You sold all of our merchandise

for a third of what it's worth.

Change your mind, son.
Come on to Las Vegas.

No.

Just for one day, then...

Then you could come
back after the disaster,

when it's safe.

If it's safe.

Come back to what?
The house is in escrow.

And it will be in the ocean.

The house won't even
be ours in 10 days.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

FRED: Hold it right there.

I just had my rug cleaned.
Get that mud off your feet.

Anything else?

Yeah. I just did my mirrors.
Wipe that ugly off your face.

Why, you old beady-eyed fool!

Wait a minute.

You up!

You'd better watch
yourself, Fred Sanford.

You've been sinning and
transgressing all your life.

If the Lord wanna
strike you down,

he'll find you,

even if he has to
go to Las Vegas.

Well, he'd better not come
to Las Vegas this weekend,

because Frank Sinatra's in
town and all the rooms are filled.

You know, Pop, Aunt
Esther's right, man.

When your time comes, it comes,

earthquake or no earthquake.

Oh, glory!

Like the Bible said,

"There's a time to
live and a time to die,

a time to sow and
a time to reap."

And a time to shut up
and a time to creep out.

I'm shutting up,
and I'm creeping out,

you old heathen.

Oh, glory! Oh, hallelujah.

Well, son, I'd better be going,

because I don't
want to miss my bus.

Hey, Pop, can't I
talk you out of it?

I think you're acting foolish.

If your mother and I had known
we were gonna have a son

that didn't know the difference
between careful and foolish,

we'd have been a
little more careful

that foolish night 35 years ago.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you, brother.

FRED: Five, come on, five!

Come on, five!

Doggone, lost again.

Gee, oh...

FRED: Stupid craps table.

Dumb roulette wheel.

Twenty-one!

That's 23.

Whoa!

Say, say, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

You Merv Griffin, ain't you?

Yeah, yeah, I am. Could
you hold my racket?

Hey, listen, you Merv Griffin,

you the one got that TV show

that's been on a long time?

Yeah.

Well, if you Merv Griffin,

look like you'd
have enough money

to get a pair of pants

that go all the way
down to the floor.

Are you kidding?
I'm a sportsman.

These are my tennis shorts.

Well, I'm a sportsman too.

Yeah.

Well, look. Hold this.

Here's my polo...
Polo shirt. Yeah?

You wanna see my jockey shorts?

I don't wanna see
your jockey shorts.

Are you some kind of nut?

What do you mean,
"nut"? I used to like you...

Dummy.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, honey, wait a minute. Wait.

What is it? I mean,
it's just a fountain.

Throw a coin in there.

What for?

That's Caesar's
lucky wishing pond.

MAN: Boy, I can use some luck.

[COIN SPLASHES]

[COIN SPLASHES]

Hey, wait a minute.
Just a second.

Aren't you Stu, St...
Ed... [STAMMERS]

Steve and Eydie?

I'm just Steve. She's Eydie.

Yeah, I'm Fred G.
Sanford. I'm in antiques.

Yeah, I see,

and you really
look good in them.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Listen, if you're
ever in Los Angeles,

feel free... to call on me.

Thanks, but I'd
rather use a phone.

Uh... Well, nice to
see you, Freddie.

Uh-huh.

Bye. Come on, darling.

Did you hear that, Elizabeth?

Eydie called me Stev... Freddie.

Fr... eh...

Hey, wait a minute, buddy.
I got 25 cents in there.

Now, back out of the way, man.

I got 25... Oh!

[COINS CLANGING]

Look at that. That's my jackpot.

That's my jackpot there.

I had twen... I had...

Well, maybe you need the money.

[RINGING]

All right, all right!

Hello?

Oh, yeah, operator,
I'll accept the charges.

Hi, Pop.

Lamont, I've been trying
to reach you all night.

I was out on a
date. I just came in.

Yeah, I was worried about you.

How's the damage?

What damage?

There was no damage, Pop.

The earthquake
didn't happen, man.

The time is up. You
can come home now.

Lamont, are you sure

the house is still standing?

I'm positive, Pop.

And you weren't killed?

No, I wasn't killed.

Y-you're not just saying that

to make me feel bad, are you?

Would you stop it?

Now, get on a bus and come home.

I can't.

I don't have no fare.
I lost all my money.

Well, I don't know
what to tell you, Pop.

You took all the
money we had to Vegas.

I know, I know, I know.

Okay. Bye, son.

Bye.

I got no money to even
try to get my money back.

I need a stake.
A nickel or a dime.

I got nothing.

A nickel, a dime,
a quart... Quarter!

I know where I
can get a quarter,

and it's my own money.

Hey, you bum.

Get outta there
before you go to jail.

I lost my money.
I'm going to jail.

Oh, Elizabeth...

I'm coming to join you, honey.

I'll be the one that's wet.

I need this money.

["NOBODY KNOWS YOU WHEN
YOU'RE DOWN AND OUT" PLAYING]

♪ Nobody knows you ♪

♪ When you're down and out ♪

♪ In my pocket Not one penny ♪

♪ And my friends I haven't any ♪

♪ But if I ever Get
on my feet again ♪

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

♪ Then I'll meet
My long-lost friend ♪

♪ It's mighty strange
Without a doubt ♪

♪ Nobody knows you
When you're down and out ♪

♪ I mean When you're
down and out ♪♪

You bigot!

Lamont, Lamont.

Hey.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

You look like you've
been in an accident.

Worse.

What could be worse

than being in an accident?

Being on a chicken truck.

I hate to say I
told you so, Pop,

but it's your own fault.

No, it's not. It's
the Russians' fault.

They promised us
something and didn't deliver.

We should sue 'em.

For what?

Failure to deliver the quiver.

Why don't you just
forget about it, Pop,

and chalk it up to experience,

and the next time, don't
believe everything you read.

Yeah, some experience.

I sold all my merchandise
for less than I paid for it,

then I lost all my
money in Las Vegas,

then I went to
jail and dried out...

You were drunk?

No, no, no.

There was three
coins in the fountain,

and I jumped in
and got mine out of it.

And then I sold my
house... I unsold it.

Huh? You what?

While you were gone, I
called up the Johnsons

and I told them why
you wanted to sell,

and they said if we didn't
give them their money back,

they were gonna sue
us for misrepresentation.

It seems that there's
a law in this state

against what you did.

Yeah, the old...

"Calling an Earthquake
a Subway" law.

I hope you learned
something from all of this.

I did learn something, son,

and I'm sorry that I
said that you was crazy

and that you was a
dummy... [RUMBLING]

Because when you called
those Johnsons back,

and got our house
back, that was smart...

[RUMBLING GETS LOUDER]

Why didn't you
unload this turkey

like I told you?

I told you!

Oh, no, son.

Help!

Oh!

[RUMBLING STOPS]

Listen, why don't you
call them Johnsons back,

and I'll sell them
the house for $1000.

Call them yourself.

Where are you going?

Las Vegas!

[♪♪♪]