Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Over-the-Hill Gag - full transcript

Lamont misunderstands the doctor and believes Fred has only six months to live and lavished love and kindness upon him. Fred's content to ride the gravy train, though it may land him in the soup.


Oh, Lena.

Oh, Lena... Oh, Lena.

Hey, Pop, wake up.

Oh, Lena, darling.

Oh, Lena, sweetheart.

Pop, wake up!

Lena... Oh... Oh, Lena.

Do me a favor, darling.

Shave that hair off your lip.

Hey, Pop, would you wake up?

You're dreaming.

Huh? Dreaming?

Well, son, I was just
lying here dreaming

that I kissed Lena Horne.

Excuse me.

I just thought of
something else I can do.

Pop, would you wake up?

Pop, wake up, man.

We've gotta be in
Beverly Hills by 2:00.

What are we going
to Beverly Hills for?

I already told you.

Audrey, the nurse
that I'm dating,

arranged with the
doctor that she works for

to get you a full
medical check-up.

Do you know how much money
Beverly Hills doctors charge?

Look, Pop, it's not
gonna be that bad, man.

Now, as a favor to Audrey,

the doctor's gonna give
us a cut on the price.

That's charity.

It is not. It's a favor.

No, it ain't. It's charity.

I'm through talking now.

Now just get up and let's go.

I don't take no charity.

I give charity.

Since when?

Since right now.

See these?

I'm donating 10 to
the March of Dummies.

Mrs. Jenkins.

Look at that, son.

You can tell you're in a
high-class neighborhood

when the dogs are
dressed better than you are.

Shh. We're in a doctor's office.

So what?

Say, miss... Pop.

You hush.

Say, miss, I might be able
to save you a little money

on this appointment
that you've got.

You know what's wrong with you?

You have poor circulation.

That's what's wrong.

If you'd take that girdle off,

your hair wouldn't turn blue.

Well, I never!

Why don't you just sit here

and read some of these magazines

and cool it, all right?



It's yachting.



Let's get on outta here, son.


This man goes yachting.

That means he got a yacht.

Now, nobody has a yacht
unless they have a lot.

And where did he get the lot?

From the people that have not.

And we are the have-not-iest.

Now, look, I already told you

that the doctor's
gonna give us a break

on the price.

Cool it.

I don't care about that.
I wanna get outta here.

I wanna get outta here too, man.

I'll feel a lot better

once I know the only
thing wrong with you

is your personality.

Hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Audrey.

Mr. Sanford, I'll be
with you in a second.

Here you are, Mrs. Maslow.

Hey, son, you didn't tell me

they serve cocktails in here.

Mr. Sanford, the doctor's
ready to see you now.

I'm not ready to see him.

LAMONT: Come on, man.

Let's go.

Now, listen, son,

Listen, son, all of a sudden,

I got this pain,
this empty feeling.

Mr. Sanford, where
is this empty feeling?

In my wallet.


you are, Mr. Sanford.

Well, the examination's
all over, Mr. Sanford.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

No, not if you consider
that I was mauled

and pawed and plucked and stuck.


If you have any
pain, it'll go away.

You've just been given
some booster shots.

Yeah, well if they
booster me any higher,

I have to sit down on my lips.

Take a seat.

I'll look over your records.

Yeah, I know you will.





Well, Mr. Sanford,

there are still some
tests to come back,

but barring anything unforeseen,

I can give you a reasonably
clean bill of health.

How much is my clean bill
of health gonna cost me?

The bill?

Oh, you mean my fee.

Well as a favor to
Audrey, shall we say $100?

Uh, as a favor to
me, shall we say 10?

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford.

A hundred is less than
half of what I usually charge.

I mean you've had
tests, x-rays, an EKG.

It's the best I can do.

And after dinner,
we'll go dancing.

Oh, Lamont.

And then we'll go
have a few drinks.

Oh, Lamont.

And then we'll go
back to my place.

No, Lamont.

Your place?

Excuse me.

Pick a place.

FRED: Six months?

Is that all you're
gonna give me, doc,

is six months?


You mean, you're only
giving me six months?

Well, surely, Mr. Sanford,

six months is enough
time to pay off $100.

Yeah, but they
gave me three years

to pay off the truck.

But you're not a truck.

You're a healthy
67-year-old man.

Yeah, with a leaky
wallet and a stuck rear.

Hey, hey, Pop, are you okay?

I was okay till I went in there.

Well, listen, you just
wait right out here, okay?

I wanna talk to the doctor.

H-hi, Dr. Goodman.

I'm Lamont Sanford, Fred's son.

Oh, yes.

Say, listen, did I
hear you tell my father

that he only has six months?

Well as a matter of fact,

I was stretching
it a bit at that.

Just take it and be thankful
he's got that much time.

You know, Grady,

being that you're his
best friend, you know,

I thought you should
be the first to know.

I-I can't believe it, Lamont,

but you know what they say.

Sooner or later, your
number's bound to come up.

That's why I had my
phone disconnected.

It was... It was just
so sudden, Grady.


Just like my cousin Waldo.

He was walking down
the street one day

in the prime of his life

and in a second...
Wham, bam, boom.


Heart attack?

No, someone dropped
a set of drums on him.

Well, I just don't want
you to say anything

to him about it,
Grady, you know,

because it'd just get him upset.

I won't... I won't say a word.

Things will be like
they always were.

He's my best and dearest friend.

We'll be close, arm in arm,

side by side forever.

Good, Grady. Good.




Can you catch what he has,

because if you can,
I'm not going near him.

Oh, here he comes now, Grady.

Now, listen,
remember what I said.

Now, compose yourself.

All right. I'm composed.

Hi, son. Hi, Pop.

Hi, Grady.

No, Fred! Fred. Fred. Fred.



Oh, Fred.

It's good to see you, Fred.

Good to see you, Grady.

Say, Lamont, Fred,

I gotta go because I
have to go somewhere

and pull myself together.

Fred, Fred.


What's the matter
with Grady, Son?

He act like
somebody just told him

his best friend had died.

Come on, Pop, sit down.

Yeah, I'll sit down.

I think I'll go over here

and watch me a little TV.



Listen, and no arguing with me.

I'm gonna watch this TV,

and I'll help you in
the yard later on today.

That's fine, Pop. Just
make yourself comfortable.

Here, you want another pillow?

You just sit back and relax.

Are you nice and comfy?

Yeah, yeah, Son.

Is there anything
else I can do for you?

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Well, you can turn
the TV on for me.

Sure, Pop. Anything.

Here. There, now.

Now, you just sit
back and relax,

and I'll go finish
cooking your dinner.

Wait a minute. You
cooked dinner for me?

Yeah, all your favorites, Pop:

roast duck, green
peas, mashed potatoes,

and corn bread and gravy.

It's my birthday, ain't it?


It's my anniversary?



Your Aunt Esther
had a face transplant?

Look, Pop,

I want you to know that
I know what you know,

and knowing what you know

isn't gonna change
things one bit, you know?

You got any dessert?


No, but what would you like?

Uh, nothing. Never mind.

I'll just pick up a
bagful of pecans

as I drop you by the nut house.


Sit there, Pop. I'll get it.

Hi, buddy.

Oh, flowers?

Yeah, just sign here.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

What is this, son?

Some flowers, Pop.

There's a card.


Who's it from?

From Grady.

Oh, yeah. What's the card say?

It says, "Fred...

"Fred. Fred. Fred. Fred. Fred.

Oh, Fred. Fred. Fred."

I told him, Pop.

You told him... told him what?

Look, Pop, if we're
gonna be together

for the next six months,

then we should try and
be honest with each other.

Now, I overheard
Dr. Goodman tell you

that you only had
six months to live.

Six months to live?

So that's what all this
TV and dinner's about?

Yeah, and from now on, Pop,

there's nothing that's
gonna be too good for you.

Nothing's too good for me?

I couldn't do that.

No, son, see when I was
at the doctor's office, we...


Wait a minute, Pop. I'll get it.


Hello. Oh, hi, Rollo.
Hold on a minute.

Hey, Pop, it's Rollo.

I'll take it in the
kitchen. It's private.


He must be
calling from solitary.

Hey, Rollo?

Yeah, look, I know
you can do it, man.

Look, just...

She's gonna be in
town tomorrow night

for a concert.

Now, just tell
your cousin's friend

to explain the situation
to her, that's all.


It'll... It'll be the
biggest thing

that ever happened
to my pop, man,

a date with Lena Horne.

A date for me with Lena Horne,

because he thinks I'm gonna die.

I better tell him.

I-I'll tell him after the date.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

Yeah, it's kind of hard for me

to believe too,
man, but we're just...

We're just gonna
have to live with it.

I never was one of
your father's admirers,

but I still consider him
one of the Lord's sheep,

the little lost beady-eyed one.

For the remainder of the time

that Pop's gonna
be here with us,

let's just try to make his
stay as pleasant as possible.

I mean, it's not easy for him.

He's under a lot of strain

just trying to act normal,
as if nothing is happening.

Let's cool all this
down talk, man.

Hey, we still be
planning a party

for the man, right?

Hey, look, man, I did my part.

Now, Rollo, you're
absolutely sure

Lena Horne's gonna
be here tonight?

Hey, man, I told you,
Lamont, it's all set, man.

She's coming over right
after the concert, man.

Praise the Lord.

That woman's heart
is in the right place.

All the rest of her is
in the right place too.

I told Pop about
the date tonight

because I didn't want it to come
as too much of a shock to him,

but I think he's really
gonna enjoy the party

that we're throwing
for him before the date.

It'll just be one great night
that he'll always remember.

It doesn't have to
be too great, Lamont,

because he doesn't have
to remember too long.

What can I do to
help with the party?

I want you to bring
some chop suey

and some party records
that we could dance to.

We eat his chop suey,

we won't need any party
records to get us dancing.

I want you to bring the liquor,

but get the best, man, you know.

Don't spare no
expenses. Get the best.

Hey, man, you ain't
gotta say nothing but "get."

Say, jack, it's too
early. Too early?

Yeah, the liquor
store's still open.

Get out of here.

Grady, I want
you to be in charge

of the decorations, okay?

I want everything bright
and festive and gay.

But he's dying!

Just do it, please.

And Aunt Esther, I
want you to be in charge

of the rest of the food.

You can count on me, Lamont...

and don't you worry.

When Fred's gone,

I'm gonna take good care of you.

I'm gonna love you and feed you

and always hold you
close to my bosom.

Oh, Lord, I'd rather
go where Fred's going.

Yeah, me too.

Say, listen, son.

Don't get near that thing.

You don't know where it's been.

My two favorite diseases
in the same room:

yellow jaundice
and the black plague.

Why, you... Get out of my face.

Pop, what are you
saying that for, man?

All these people are here

trying to do some
nice things for you.

I think I'm going upstairs

and get me a little
nap and wait on Lena.

Yeah, that's a good idea, Pop.

Pleasant dreams, Fred.

Listen, Esther, please
don't say nothing to me

when I'm gonna go to sleep.

I want to sleep. I don't
want no nightmares.

Why... Aunt Esther.

Now, Aunt Esther,

you know Pop
doesn't mean the things

he says about you.

Oh, yes, he does, Lamont.
He doesn't like Esther.


Excuse me.

Oh, hi, Audrey. Come on in.

Oh, hi, Lamont.

I thought as long as I
was in the neighborhood,

I'd drop by your
father's test results

and give you some good news.

Good news?


I talked the doctor
into giving your father

all the time he wants.

LAMONT: All the time he wants?

What kind of talk is that? Is
this your idea of some joke?


No, it's no joke.

I was just trying to
do your father a favor,

but as far as I'm concerned,

you could pay the
doctor bill tomorrow.

Just a minute, miss.

Bill? What bill?

Mr. Sanford's doctor bill.

The doctor would only
give him six months to pay it,

and I thought...

Wait, you mean to tell
me my father isn't dying?

No, he isn't.

You wanna bet?

You thought six
months was short.

Six minutes. Time me.

Wait a minute. Time me!

Time me.

Wait a minute!

Now, just a minute ago,

we all thought Pop was dying.

Now that we know
he isn't, well...

isn't it wonderful?

LAMONT: Isn't it wonderful?

I see what y'all mean.

Well he's done it to us again.

Oh, man, it's time for us

to teach your pop a lesson

for his own good.

Yeah, you're right, Ah Chew.

And I think I know exactly what

we're gonna do.

Listen, see, first
of all, I want...

Hey, it's sure taking your
pop a long time up there, man.

Yeah, well, if you had
a date with Lena Horne,

wouldn't you want to
be as sharp as possible?

Yeah, he's so sharp,

he'd probably cut
himself smiling.

Hey, Pop, get down here, man.

Lena Horne's gonna
be here any minute.

FRED: Coming.

Good goobily goop.
You sure look good, Fred.

You sure do,
Mr. Sanford, fantastic.

Mm! I know that.

Hey, Pop, you look
hip and everything,

but where did you get
that funny looking wig?

What dumb looking wig?

This is my own hair.

I just teased it
a little too much.

Yeah, teased it, squeezed
it, freezed it, and diseased it.

By the way,

let me put a little
antifreeze in my radiator

until the stormy weather comes.

Here you go.

There's nothing
too good for my pop.

Nothing too good for me.


Uh-oh. There's the
Horne. Wait a minute, son.

Wait a minute.

Do I look all right?
You look fine.

I mean, everything...
Yeah. You look great.

You look great. Look at me.

You look great, Pop.
You look fine, man.

Listen, don't give
me no... Just relax.

You look all right. I'm relaxed.

All right. Open it.

FRED: There she...
DOCTOR: Hello, Lamont.

LAMONT: Audrey,
Dr. Goodman, come in.

AUDREY: Hello.
DOCTOR: Mr. Sanford.

What a surprise.

Yeah... like Pearl Harbor.

Look, Dr. Goodman, Audrey,

why don't you go have
a drink and mingle?

All right.

Yeah, doc, come
on, let's mingle.

Since I have more
mingling to do with you

than anybody else,

come on in the
kitchen and mingle.

Go right ahead, there.

I'll be back in a minute.

Listen, doc,

you gotta do me a little favor.


See, I'm playing
a joke on Lamont

and some of his friends.

A joke? Yeah, a joke.

And see, they think

that I only got
six months to live.

Yes, six months to live.

What kind of a joke is that?

Black people have a
funny sense of humor.

Mr. Sanford, I'm black.

Then get to laughing.

Mr. Sanford, just exactly
what do you want me to do?

Well, doc, here's
what I want you to do.

If anybody asks
you if I'm healthy,

just don't say nothing,

and don't tell them
how long I got.

Just tell them... Don't
say nothing about...

I got six months to live.

Well, I don't know.

Don't you think
that's a little heavy

to lay on your friends?

It's just till tomorrow night.

Well, all right,

but to make this
thing really work,

you've got to remember
that I'm your doctor,

and you'll have to
do exactly as I say.

All right?

All right with me, doc.

Okay. Okay, come on in here.

Let's mingle in here.


Say, listen, why don't y'all

grab y'all some of
them hose drivers?

Hey, man, there's
a big old limousine

coming down the street.

I think it's her.

That's Lena, son.

Look at me. How do I look?

How do I look?

You look terrible, Pop.

Huh? DOCTOR: Let's see.

Oh, you're right, Lamont.

Mr. Sanford, you look dreadful,

and I can't let you
go out like that.

As your doctor,

I'm ordering immediate rest.

Excuse me. Hey, doc,
come here. Come here.

I got a trash compactor
in the kitchen.

Go jump in it.

Mr. Sanford, I am
your doctor, aren't I?

Yes, that's right.

Then I'm putting
you to bed right now.

Listen, in bed?



Lena? Pop.

Bed? Bed.

Pop. Lena.

Y-you've only got six months.

That's all I need.

Lena. Come on, Pop.


No, look, this is for
your own good, Pop.

Hey, man, it's Lena! It's Lena.

Son... wait a minute, son.

You let me...

Promise me you not gonna kill me

when I finish the date.

All right. Please.

I lied about being sick.


I ain't sick, son.

Just let me have this one
date with Lena. Please?

Okay. I think it might be good.

Come on.


That's good... Oh.

Are you ready, Pop?

Almost. Are you ready for Lena?

Oh, son, go ahead... Okay.

Hello, sucka.

There must be some mistake
because this is not my Lena.

This is somebody's hyena.