Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 23 - The Older Woman - full transcript

Fred and Grady don disguises to discover the cougar who has her claws in Lamont's heart.


Hi, Fred.

What... what
happened to your neck?

I had an accident in the truck.

Oh, a whiplash.

Did they hit you from behind?

No, I was in a drive-in movie,

and I was trying to mess
around with Fast Fanny,

and she hit me from the front.

See, they call that "Fist-lash."

Wow. Well, anyway,
I'm certainly glad to see

that you finally
decided to clean up

all this terrible trash
that's been lying around

in this ugly, filthy yard.

That's right, Grady.

Is there anything I
can do to help you?

Yeah, jump in.

Say, say, Fred, Fred,

I think you missed
the trash can.

Will you shut up, Grady?

Say, say, Fred,

I hope you don't
mind me interrupting,

but don't you think
that the comics section

would look better
over here on the sofa,

and the sports section
over there by the door?

It don't make no
difference, Grady,

as long as it looks messy.

Wow, you know, Lamont's
gonna be awful mad

when he comes home and
sees all this trash around.

I know that.
That's why I did it.

Well, I don't understand, Fred.

Well, see, Grady, for
the last week or so,

Lamont's been acting weird.

What do you mean?

I mean, like, he's
been nice to me

and polite and easy-going,

and whatever I do is okay.

Now, that makes
me worry about him.

Oh, I see,

and you think if he comes in
and sees all the trash around,

that he'll get mad and
he'll be his old self again.

Well, I hope so,
Grady, but I'm not sure,

because yesterday, I
tried to make him mad,

because I refused
to fix his breakfast,

dinner, and lunch,

and all he did to me
was look at me all funny

and smile and say,

"Well, Pop, you're
you, and I'm me,

and that's why I love you so."

Here he comes now, Grady.

Let's sit down and act casual.

Okay, act casual.

♪ Every little breeze
Seems to whisper Louise ♪

♪ Birds in the trees Seem
to whisper Louise ♪♪

Well, hello, Grady, my
friend. How you feeling, buddy?

Very casual, thank you.

Hello, Pop.

Hello, Lamont, you
big, ugly dummy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
wait a minute, son.

Listen, I want to
ask you something.

Look at this place.

I haven't cleaned it up in days.

Now... and I ain't
gonna clean it up either...

Now, what do you say about that?

Well, Pop,

that's why you're
you, and I'm me,

and that's why I love you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go
upstairs and change.

♪ Every little breeze... ♪

Wait a minute, son.
Listen. Lamont, listen.

Look, the room is filthy,
and the bathroom upstairs,

I haven't cleaned the bathroom,

and the bedroom's filthy,

because I let a mangy
dog sleep up there.

Now, now, now,
how'd that grab you?

Pop, that's why
you're you, and I'm me,

and that's why I love you.

♪ Every little
breeze Seems to... ♪

Wow, Fred, I see what you mean.

I've never seen Lamont
act like that before.

He's so... so calm,
so serene, and sweet.

I know it.

Maybe there was a full moon,

and he got bit on the
neck by the Flying Nun.


Now, that... that's it, Fred.

That... that's it,

but only he wasn't bit,
he was hit by an arrow.


Yeah, Coupid's arrow.


Yeah, that one too, Fred.

He has all the symptoms.
He's been hit by Coupid's arrow.

He's in love.

Goodbye, Grady.

Oh, goodbye, Fred.


Yeah, Pop.

Come on down. I
want to talk to you.

Yeah, what is it?

Son, I... [SNIFFING]

What's that I smell?

Oh, that's probably my
new cologne you smell, Pop.

It's called "Days in Paris."

Well, it smells like
nights in El Segundo.

That's cute, Pop, that's cute.

I like it. Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm me,

and I'm you, and you're me.

Now, I want to
ask you something.


You're grown now.

Can I talk to you man
to man, adult to adult?

Why, of course, Pop.

Well, son... are you in love?

Yes, I am.

Well, Lamont,
you're just a baby.

You're just a kid.
You're a child.

What do you know about love?

That's exactly what
I thought you'd say.

Listen, son, no, no, no,

wait a minute,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
said that, I was wrong.

Of course you know about love,

and I know about love too.

It's a sensitive,
personal thing.

It's a thing

that a father and
son should discuss

with warmth and understanding.

Okay, shoot.

Now, tell me, who is this bimbo?

Well, right now, the only
thing that I'm going to tell you

is that she's intelligent,
beautiful, and black.

Well, I want to meet her.

Well, you'll meet
her sooner or later,

but her night off
from the dress shop

is Tuesday night,

and I was thinking about
having her over here for dinner.

Tuesday? That's
two days from now.

I mean, what's her name?

That's not important, Pop.

The thing that is
important is that I love her.

How much do you love her?

A lot, Pop.

Do... do you love her
enough to marry her?


Well, I'm against it,
because you're still a child,

and... and you don't
know nothing about life,

and that's my opinion,
that's how I feel.

I don't care what
you think about it.

Now, what do you think about it?

That's why you're
you... and I'm me,

and that's why I love you.

Don't do that.

I don't play that.

I ain't living here... I'm
gonna live here by myself.

This old, messy house...

It's... it's not right.


Oh, no, Fred, I'm Grady.

Lamont doesn't have a beard.

What do you want, Grady?

I forgot my jacket, Fred.

Well, get your jacket.
I need help, Grady.

Oh, no, Fred, you're gonna
clean up this mess by yourself.

Look, Grady, you were
right. Lamont's got a girl.

Oh, well, then you
get her clean it up.

Look, Grady, look here.

See, Lamont won't tell me

who this girl is,
and I've got to know.

See, I've got to go
and check her out.

You... you mean he
won't let you meet her?

No, he's making a big mistake.

He won't let me meet her.


Not until Tuesday,

but, see, Tuesday
is two days away.

Yeah, and in two days,

she could seduce him
with wine and candlelight.


She could dull his
senses with her perfume.


She could dazzle
him with her sex.

Listen, don't stop now,
Grady, I'm getting excited.

You got to find out who
this girl is right away.

Find her?

I don't even know her name.

What am I going to do, Grady?

Mm. ♪ Every Little breeze ♪

♪ Seems to whisper Louise ♪


Hey, that's it,
Grady, that's it,

that's her name.

Her name is "Breeze"?

No, Grady, Louise.

"Louise Breeze"?

No, "Louise."

See, Lamont's been singing
that song for days now,

and there's a place down...

About two blocks
down the street...

Called "Louise's
Dress Shop"... Fred...

And he said this girl
worked in a dress shop.

Fred, you're brilliant.

I know that.

Now, see, here's
what we have to do...

We've got to go down
there and check this girl out.


But... but, see, she
can't know who we are,

or Lamont will find
out we've been there,

and he'll get mad.

But don't worry,
Fred, don't worry.

You'll think of something,

and I know whatever it
is, it'll be brilliant, brilliant!

Okay, brilliant. How is this?


We'll put on some afro wigs

and go down there
disguised incognito?

Fred, that's dumb.

Say, Grady, do you know
why you're my friend?


Me neither.

All right, Grady.

See, you just be
cool and follow me.

But, Fred, this is dumb,
just dumb, dumb, dumb.

Good afternoon,
gentlemen. May I help you?

Why, sure, lady, but I think
you'd better put some clothes on

before you get arrested.

Sir, I'm over here.

Oh, oh, I see.

You could see a lot better

if you took off those glasses.

Oh, no, you see,
I'm an airline pilot,

and I've got to protect my eyes.

Now, aren't you a little
old for that kind of thing?

Are you kidding?

Up there in the
wild, blue yonder,

I'm known as the "Grey Eagle,"

and this is my co-pilot.

That's... That's right.

I'm known as the "Brown Pigeon."

Well, fine. What can
I do for you two birds?

Well, if you don't mind, lady,

we'd like to browse
around just a little bit.

Fine, when you're ready,
Louise will help you.

Did you hear that,
Grady? "Louise."

Yeah, but she's
kind of young, Fred.

Yeah, you're right.


I can't seem to make
up my mind, Louise.

Uh... Sir?

What would be your
reaction to this wool dress?

Oh, a rash under my armpits.


I never... I bet you did.

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello.

Can I help you?

Yes, darling, my
name is Lindbergh...

And this is my friend, Lamont.

Sir, did you say
Lamont? I know a Lamont.

You do?

Yes, in fact, you look a
little bit like him yourself.

Hey, he's really handsome.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Well... well, I don't think so.

I don't think Lamont... Ow!

Is there something that
I could show you here?

Sure, honey, you see,

we want to buy a
present for a girl.

In fact, this girl is
very much like you,

and she's about your age.

She's about,
about... Well, I'm 18.

Yeah, 18.

Okay, I see.

Maybe a dress would be nice,

something like this.

Now, this comes in
silk, satin, jersey, crepe.

Well, which... which
one would you prefer?

Personally, I just love crepe.

Oh, Fred, she would be perfect.

Because you got a
whole houseful of crepe.

You... you're kind of
cute, and I like you.

You... you may
be just all right.

Okay, well, thank
you very much, sir.

Hey, you know, I
just can't get over

how much you look like
the Lamont that I know.

Maybe you'll get to meet him.

He should be in here any minute.

Lamont? Here? Yes.

Well, nice meeting you, miss.

Okay. Let's go.

Uh... hello, son.

Uh, nice meeting you here.

I mean... it's a small
world, ain't it, Grady?

Pop... Pop, what are you
and Grady doing here?

Would you believe that
Grady needed a new bra?


No, I wouldn't.

I didn't think you would.

"Son" and "Pop."
Oh, I get it now.

Listen, son, I'm sorry.

I just couldn't help it,

but, see, I wanted
to know... know her,

and I wanted to meet her

to see if she had
any possibilities,

and I like her.

You do?

I think that's great.

Did you hear that, honey?

Hey, hey, wait a
minute... Wait a minute.

Hold on, you can take
your hands off him, lady.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

I thought you said
you liked Grace.


Grace Alexander, Mr. Sanford.

I named the shop after
my daughter, Louise.

Uh... uh...

That grown-up lady
there is your daughter?


Uh, excuse me for
a moment, Grace.

Let me talk to you
for a minute, Pop.

Son, you've got to be crazy.

That woman must
be 10 years older

than you are.

Look, now, I want you to listen,

and listen carefully,

because I'm only
gonna say this one time.

Now, Grace might
be older than I am,

but she's mature
and intelligent,

and she's more woman
than I've ever known in my life,

and I happen to
be in love with her.

Now, I'm thinking
about marrying her,

and if I do, I'm gonna
have to leave home.

Now, do I make
myself perfectly clear?

You marry her and leave home...

Make it clear... Oh, Elizabeth,

did you hear him?

Oh, honey, he's gonna leave home

might get married,

I'm coming to join
you to discuss this.

Oh, honey.


You... you don't have
to take it out on me, Fred.

I'm sorry, Grady.

That woman is more
than 10 years older

than he is.

Well, they'd look good together.

Sure they look
good together now,

when he's 34 and when she's 44,

but what is it gonna look
like 20 years from now

when he's 54 and she's 108?

Well, my cousin's
grandmother, Mabel, is 86,

and she's doing fine.

I mean, if a woman wants
to sleep 19 hours a day,

that's her business.

But what about children?

Well, Mabel can't have any more.

I mean, Lamont and old faithful.

Well, Fred, maybe Lamont

is interested in
this older woman,

because she kind of reminds him

of the mother that he never had.


In me, Lamont has had
both a mother and a father.

Well, then, Fred,

why don't you just
leave them alone,

and maybe he'll get tired of her

and forget the whole thing.

Grady, that's
where you're wrong.

See, Lamont said that
he was gonna talk to Rollo

about an engagement ring.

He's... he's gonna
get engaged to Rollo?

Wow, I hope they'll be happy.

Grady, try engaging your brain.

Now, listen,

Lamont's going to buy
a ring for that woman.

Well, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred,

you've got to do
something about this.

I know that.

If there was only some way

that I could make him realize

he's making a
fool out of himself.


Now, now, look,
don't yell at me.

Now, a father got a right

to check on his son and
see if everything's okay,

because getting married

to someone who is older
than you and not your age,

that's dangerous.

Pop, that's why
you're you, and I'm me,

and that's why I love you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go upstairs
and change my clothes.

No, wait here, son.

Uh, look, look, have you
decided on what you're gonna fix

next Tuesday night for dinner?

Yes, I decided.

I'm gonna fix something
new, something borrowed,

and something blue,

because you're
bringing something old.

That's cute, Pop,
it's cute, I like it,

but there's nothing
that you can say or do

that's gonna make me upset.

Now, why don't you fix
one of your fantastic meals

next week, and I'll
bring the champagne.


You're gonna buy champagne?

Oh, yeah, Grady, when you
have an important announcement,

you always toast
it with champagne.

Imp... important announcement?


Hey, Pop, you know
what might be a good idea?

Why don't you
get yourself a date,

and it'll be nice and
cozy, just the four of us.

Listen, son...

I don't have time to
talk to you now, Pop.

I've got to run
upstairs and change,

because I'm going
to the jewelry store.

♪ Every little breeze
Seems to whisper Louise ♪

Did you hear that, Grady?


♪ Birds in the trees... ♪

"Announcement." "Champagne."

Me bring a date.

Grady, I'm in big trouble.

You sure are, Fred,
because I hate champagne,

but pick me up at 8:00 anyway.

Well, this is it, Grace.

Oh, Lamont... it's... very nice.


I knew it would be
something special.

Yeah, I'm glad you like it.

Hello, son.

Hello, Grace.

Welcome to my home.

Thank you, Mr. Sanford.

I like your house.

It feels so warm and lived in.

It does?

Well, I can just...
see myself in here,

curled up in front
of the fireplace,

drifting off to sleep.

Yeah? Well, we don't
have no fireplace,

but you can curl up under
the sink if you want to.

Hey, man, why don't
you dig yourself?

Hey, son, how do I look?

You look spiffy, Pop.

Yeah, thanks.

See, I wanted to look good

for your girlfriend and my date.

Oh, hey, Grace, you're
gonna love Donna.

She's fantastic.

No, no, wait a minute.

I... I didn't bring Donna.
I have another date.

She's in the kitchen.
She's helping me fix dinner.

Well, bring her
out, Mr. Sanford.

We're just dying to meet her.

Really? Well, I'll
get her for you.

Hold on a minute.

Hey, you know,

I think he's beginning
to like you, Grace,

because if he didn't,

he'd have done something dumb.

Say, everybody, this is Mabel.

Hey, Pop,

that's Grady's
cousin's grandmother.

That's right.

See, Mabel and I go way back.

See, I first met
her when I was 34,

and she was 44,

and it didn't make
much difference then.

Pop. We... we...
No, no, son, listen.

We were like two
chickens in the coop.

Problem is,

I'm still... I'm still clucking,

and I haven't heard a
peep out of her in years.

Mabel, this is my
son, Lamont. Mabel?

How do you do?

No, no, that's not him.

This is his girlfriend
here, Grace.

Oh, pleased to meet you, Ace.

No, dear, it's Grace,
G-R-A-C-E, Grace.

Oh, grace.

Dear Lord, we thank
you for this food

we're about to receive.

No, no, no, no.

Lamont, Lamont, now,
see, Grace and Mabel,

you all sit down right here,

and I'll pour some
champagne for a toast.

Aren't we cute...

Young me and old her.

See, when... when we were young,

you know, I was
34, and she was 44,

it didn't seem like we'd end up

this ugly a couple, did it?

We'll have a toast
anyway, right here,

a little drink for you, Mabel,

and for Grace right there.

We'll all have a little sip.

Here you are, darling.

Thank you. Now...

To my son and his lady friend
and their future happiness...

And to President McKinley.


Oh, that did it, that did it.

I thought I'd seem
everything till tonight,

but this takes the cake.

Come on, Grace, let's go.

Hey, hey, wait.

Wait a minute, son.

Son, listen, son.


Would you like to have
a little fun, Freddie?

The nerve of him.

Do you believe what he did?

Oh, Lamont, your
father meant well.

Yeah, so did Attila the Hun.

I mean, he spoiled
our engagement party.

Engagement party?



Lamont... it's beautiful...

but I can't accept this.

I can't marry you.

Why not?

As crude as your father
was, he did make a point.

The difference in our ages
would become a problem.

You really think so?

I'm afraid it's the truth...

but, Lamont... Lamont...

you're still the best.

Yeah, you too.

You see, it's just
that we each want

different things out of life.



You'll find someone
who's just right for you.

Of course, she
won't be as witty,

intelligent, and
beautiful as I am...

But you will look,
won't you, Lamont?

Yeah, I will.

Darn it.

Hi, Pop.

Oh, Lamont.

I thought you
were gone for good.

No chance.

You know, you
know, Pop, how things

seem to be going just great,

and then all of a sudden,

everything gets all messed up.

I know what you mean, son,

like the TV ain't working again.

I want you to know, Pop,

that Grace and
I had a long talk,

and, well, we're still
gonna see each other,

but we're not gonna get married.

Listen, son... No, no, no,

you don't have
to apologize, Pop,

because it wouldn't
have worked out.

Don't worry about it, son.

Look, there's a whole
sea of women out there

just waiting for you
to tickle their tuna.

How poetic.

But, son, there's
something I've just gotta say.

No, look, listen, listen,

you don't have to explain, man,

because what you did, you
did because you love me.

Now, I'm gonna go
upstairs and change.

No, you're not.

What do you mean, no, I'm not?

Well, you can't, because, see,

Mabel sprained her ankle,

and she's up there in the bed.

The doctor told
us to stay up there.

She has to stay at least a week.

Oh, Pop.

How do these things
happen to me like that?

I don't understand it.

Hey, co... come here.


Come here.

These things happen to you,

because you're
you, and I'm me...

Oh, shut the hell up.