Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Stung - full transcript

Tired of Lamont telling him he's a loser at cards, Fred and his professional gambler friend play a prank on Lamont and his poker pals. But will Fred be left holding the dead man's hand?


Hey, Pop, are you
in the living room?

Yeah, son.

Well, could you come out
here and give me a hand?

I got a lot of stuff
to do out here.

Did I say "yes"? I lied.

Would you give me a
hand with this, please?

Oh, poker night.

I forgot that I'm gonna
play poker tonight.

Completely skipped my mind.

Let's get one thing
straight right now.

Now, you're not going to
play poker with us tonight,

and that's all there is to it.

How can you say that
to your own father?

It's easy,

because the last poker
game we had over here,

you got mad,
turned the table over,

tore up the cards,

and tried to hit Julio in
the head with the lamp.

Well, Julio said I
was a sore loser...

And besides, I don't know why
you play with him all the time.

Every time he
shuffles the cards,

he gets chili all over them.

Look, Pop, all we want to have

is a nice, friendly,
relaxed, game of poker.

Well, listen, I'm
nice, and I'm friendly,

and I want to play some poker.

Look at how relaxed I am.

Was it friendly

when you asked Rollo
to pull his pants down

because you said he was
hiding cards in his underwear?

Well, listen, son, I just...

This is no, nothing, man.

Look, your behavior
is bad enough,

but the reason that I don't
want you in the game tonight

is because you're
a lousy card player.

You're always losing, and then
you're borrowing money from me,

and you never pay it back.

Me lose? What
gave you that idea?

By looking at Julio.

Your shirt looks great on him.

Well, I'll win it back.
You wait and see.

No, you won't,

because you're not
playing with us tonight.

You're not good enough
to play with us, Pop.

What do you mean,
I'm not good enough?

What makes you
think you're so good?

Look, man, I know I'm
good, and I can prove it.

Since we've been having
the poker games here,

I've managed to stash away
over 60 bucks in winnings.

Listen, son, let me
play with you all tonight.

I mean, you must have 60 bucks

stashed somewhere.

Forget it. Look, I
gotta split for a minute.

I'll be back in about an
hour, and I'd appreciate it

if you'd have
dinner ready for me,

because I want to get
the game started early.

Okay, son, I'll have it ready,

but see, it'll probably
be the last meal

that I'm gonna fix

with this unwanted,
tired, broken-down body.

Well, that's good,

because we haven't had unwanted,
tired, broken-down old body

in over a week.

You can make fun if you want to,

but don't be surprised

if you find my heart
in the Jell-O mold.

I can't play with him

because he got some
money stashed somewhere

and I don't play good enough.

Must be some kind of fools.


All right, all right.
Some money...


All right, all right, all right.

Fred Sanford!

Al Banks! Al! Gee whiz, Al.

I can't believe that's you.

It's me, all right,
because nobody else

would be caught
dead in this body.

Hey, that's funny, Al.

You still got that
sense of humor.

Hey, come on in, Al.
Make yourself at home.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

You sit on down and
I'll go in the kitchen

and get us a couple of beers.

Hey, I'd like that.

I know it.

It's been a long time, huh?

What did you say?

I say it's been a
long time, huh?

No, it ain't been that long. I
had me a beer this morning.

No, no.

No, no, I mean
between you and I.

It's been about 25 years

since we have seen each other.

We was real pals, weren't we?

Mean and lean.

Yeah, but look at us
now... lumpy and dumpy.

Say, Fred, would
you open this...

mind opening this can for me?

You see, I just had a manicure.

Oh, yeah.

You still keep that good
manicure, don't you?

Oh, that's my one luxury, Fred.

You know, I always
was a little vain

about my hands.

Yeah, and I know
why too, because, see,

wasn't a guy in the world
could stand up to you

when it came to playing cards,

and you was always one of
the best dealers in the world.

I don't gamble much any more.

Right now I'm living with
my daughter and son-in-law

over in their little
old apartment.

They sound like a
couple of nice kids.

Oh, yeah, they're
nice all right.

Yeah, they're always
giving me presents,

like bus tickets for anywhere...

But right now I'm just
sort of riding around,

looking up old friends

and there's not many
of them left, Fred.

Well, you've got one in me, Al.

Don't you forget that.

I want you to stay here

and have dinner with me tonight.

Are you sure? Sure.

I don't want to impose on you...

but it looks like you're
already having company.

No, see, that's
for poker tonight.

See, my son, Lamont, is
having some of his friends over,

and they're gonna
play poker tonight.


And so are you.

Hey, you know, Fred,

I've known you for a long time,

and I can look right
up under those eyes

and I can see that
you are up to no good.

I'm past no good.

I'm up to evil and
approaching treachery.

Oh, now, careful, Fred.

Don't worry about that, see...

Lamont and his buddies

think they're such
hotshot card players.

Oh, and you want me

to take them down a peg or two?

No, I don't want you

to take them down a peg or two.

I want you to drive a
stake through their hearts.

Look, Fred, a little
con can be a lot of fun,

but sometimes,
feelings can get hurt.

Well, ain't anyone's
feelings getting hurt.

See, all I want you to
do is win all the money

so I can see their faces,

and then we'll give
them their money back.

All right, but what am I
gonna do about money?

Oh, well, look. I
got two bucks here.

Here's what we'll do.

I got two dollars,

and we'll take this notebook

and put a dollar on one side,

and a dollar on the other side,

and then wrap it round
this rubber band...

see that?

Look, you got a bank roll here

big enough to choke a horse.

Hey, you, look... Hey, yeah.

To say nothing of
them four jackasses.

Hey, listen, you
go ahead and relax,

and I'll go in here
and start dinner.

Yeah, well, what we gonna have?

Oh, I'm fixing one of
my favorite dips today.

See, I take two large
garlic pods and crush them,

and then I grate, I grate
three great big onions,

and then I wrap it velvetly

around a pound of
Limburger cheese.

Say, what do you call it?

You don't have to call it,

because you always
know where it is.

Fred, that was some good meal.

Thanks, Al.

Say, Lamont, when
are your friends

coming over here to play poker?

Now, they'll be here any minute.

Now, I want you to
promise me something.

Now, you can watch, but
don't interfere with nothing,

because it takes a
lot of concentration

to play poker, Pop.

Oh, I promise you, son.

We'll be good.
We'll be very good.

Okay, fine.

Now, would you
all excuse me for...?

Yeah, upstairs on the left.


No, left.


Oh, hey, Julio.

Hey, Lamont.

Hello there, Mr. Sanford.

Pop, say hello to Julio.

All right, then, say
hello to your ex-shirt.

Ha ha. Very funny. That's funny.

Say, Julio, that shirt
does look good on you.

Hey, thank you very
much, Mr. Sanford.

It would even look
better if you washed it...

and then, and
starch it, and iron it,

and then fold it up real neat,

and shove it up your nose.


Hey, Rollo!

What's happening?


Hey, everybody.

Say, you know "Arms" Crowder?

What's happening?

Better known as
"You bet your life."

How you doing, Arms?

What's happening, babe?

Hey, Pops, how's it going?

Oh, it's pretty good, Rollo.
Crime outside went down 50%.


Because you're inside.

Aw, man... Hey, Rollo.

How come you got
here on time, man?

Say, man, we took the bus.

You should have been there, man.

The bus driver asked
Arms for the exact change,

so he took a 50-cents
piece and tore it in half.

Why don't you finish yukking

and let's sit down
and play some poker?

Hey, man, I can dig
it, man. I'm hot tonight.

Hey, man, where do I sit?


Where do I sit?

Anywhere you want to, brother.


FRED: Hey, Al.

Look, Al.

Here's Lamont's friends.

I'm gonna introduce you to them.

Hey, fellas? This
is my buddy, Al.

This is Julio... Hey, Al.

And Rollo... What's
happening, my man?

And... telephone pole-o.

Hey, hiya, fellas.

Deal the cards, man.

A poker game.

There's nothing better

than a good friendly
game of cards.

Listen, don't
mess with them, Al.

I'm telling you now, they'll
leave you high and dry.

He's right, amigo. This
is not a game for kids.

Yeah, we'd ask
you to play with us,

Mr. Banks, but, uh...

I think the stakes might be

just a little too high for you.

Oh, well, then, that's okay...

Fred, I think I'll run
down to the store

and get some
refreshments for us all,

but let me check my cash first.

Yeah, check your cash.

Yeah. Okay.

FRED: Hey, look at your cash.

Hey, why don't
you sit down here,

check it right here, brother?

Pillsbury don't
make rolls that big.


Hey, wait a second.

We just happen
to have an extra...

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford.

We got an extra
chair right here.

Mr. Sanford, please.
Hey, look at that.

This is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship,

I can tell.

Excuse me,
Mr. Sanford, please, huh?

You mean you fellows
are inviting me to play?

Hey! Give us a game, now.

Come on.

Listen, Al, don't do that.
I'm telling you now, no.

When I lose a
hundred, I'll quit.

That's right! Yeah!

If he loses a
hundred, he can quit.

Come on in.

Okay, brother man.

In honor of you

sitting down to play with us,

we gonna let you
deal the first hand,

and we playing
seven-card stud poker.

Seven card stud...

Oh, that's all right.
He's a little nervous.

I tell you, I'm
glad I didn't eat

before I came over here,

because it looks like

we gonna have fish for diner.

Oh, that's right.

You deal everybody
five cards, right?

No, no, no.

That's where you deal
everybody seven cards,

but that's a mistake a
poker player would make.

One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, you see,

it has to be one all
the way around first.

One at a time.


Well, here we go, fellas,
and may the best man win.

Down and dirty!

Here we go. That's it. Okay.

FRED: Listen, no, no, no, Al.

No, Al. No, don't play! Oh, no!

No! Ho ho ho-ho...
Ha ha ha. Whee!

Looks like I win again, fellas.


Man, I'd better quit
before I lose my accent.

Look, why don't you fellas
deal me out of the next one?

You see, I have to run
upstairs for a minute.

Don't go up there
and stay too long,

because I think Rollo
want to go up there

and flush his self to death.

Ha ha ha. Very funny.

That was good.

FRED: Hey, wait a minute.

Take that money with you.

Oh, I trust everybody.


Listen, it's better to
be safe than sorry...

and broke.

Hey, this has got to be

the luckiest dude
in the world, man.

Look, man, I'm down 15 dollars.

I lost 10 myself, man.

Yeah. Me too.

25 bucks I lost.

Hey, man, nobody's that lucky.

I'm gonna go over there
and get some more money

and get back in the game.

Wait a minute, son.

Wait a minute.
There ain't no use.

I might as well tell you.

There's something
I want to tell you

about my friend, Al.

Hey, man, I knew it.
Cat's been cheating.

No, wait a minute.
Hey, man, wait a minute!

I'll brain him!

Wait, wait.

Hey, listen, Godzilla,
will you relax?

Al is a professional gambler,

and I invited him here tonight

just to teach you guys

that you all wasn't so
smart and everything

with your hotshot gambling.
But he coming back...

You mean to tell me

that you and Al had
this whole thing set up?

Yeah, son.

See, he's coming right down

and give everybody
their money back.

Well, I got to admit,
man, he took us clean.

ROLLO: Yeah, I
guess we deserved it.

Nice going, Pops.

I'm not "Pops."

I'm Lollipops,

and you're the
full all-day suckers.

He's been gone
an awful long time.

Yeah, he's been gone
an awful long time.

Yeah. I...

Wait a minute, fellas.
He's coming down.

Don't get excited.

He's coming down and
bringing the money back.

I hope so, man,

because that's a lot of money,

you know, on a joke.

He's gone.


Yeah, but he left something.

The money.

No, the window open and
a footprint in the soap dish.

Somebody's going to
give me back my 25 bucks!

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, now.

Listen, you'll get
your money back.

Don't start nothing.

Look, you'll get
all the money back.

I feel sorry, son. I'm
so sorry for you, son.

I'm sorry for you, son.

You sorry for me?

Yeah, because I think

he gonna try to
make you an orphan.

Wait a minute, now. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.

I lost money too.

Hello, missing persons?
I'm missing a person...

and if I don't find
him right away,

I'm gonna be missing
an arm and a leg.

His name is Al Banks.

Yeah, black.

Brown, tan sport coat.

Yes, and he got some
soap between his toes.


Thank you so much, and listen...

Hello, son. Yeah,
Al, just a moment.

Yeah, Al? I'll meet
you down there.

Okay, Al. You
know I'll be there, Al.

Of course, Al.

See you later, Al.

That was Al.

Al Banks?

Yeah. Son, I told you
not to worry about him.

He's all right.

Well, where is he
and what happened?

See, well, it's a
little complicated,

but I'll tell you about
it when I get back.

With the money?


All of it.


In cash.

Right, son.

And another thing, listen,
don't worry about dinner,

because I might be late.

How late?

July, August, September...


Oh, no. I hope that's not Arms.

Who is it? Julio.

Oh, come on in, Ju.

Hey, man, whatever
happened to that guy

that beat us for all that money?

My father said he was gonna
go on down and meet him

and get all our money back.

Well, man, as far
as I'm concerned,

I can forget about my 10 bucks,

but you know how upset
Arms Crowder can get.


You remember the
late Roland DeGillio.

I thought I had Arms
calmed down last night, man,

and then I walked out
in the yard this morning,

and he was trying to eat
the spare tire off the truck.

Oh. Crazy, man.

I'm worried about
him, man. I'm worried.

Well, now, let's begin

by filling out this
pink form, shall we?

And let's end by

giving me some
green money, shall we?

We do the very best we can.

Well, that's good,

because if we don't
get me a job real quick,

we will be signing
my death certificate.

Your name, please?

Fred Sanford.

Your age?


Would you repeat that, please?

Fred Sanford.

How old did you say you were?



Uh, yes indeed.

How much, Mr. Sanford?

Well, I figure about
60 bucks a day?

No, no, no, how much
education have you had?

Did you go to college?


High school?

You're getting closer.

Junior High?

How about Junior Low?

I see. Do you have a trade?

Yeah, look here.

How much will you
give me for this whistle?

Just what kind of work
were you expecting?

Well, I don't want nothing
too messy, you know,

like brain surgery.

I don't want that.

No problem.

And, see, airline
pilotry, that's out.

Hmm, Mr. Sanford,
let's be realistic.

You are totally lacking

in the education
and/or skills necessary

to qualify for most of our
placement opportunities,

to say nothing of your age,

which falls well outside the
optimum actuarial median.

Well, thank you very much. Uh...

Now, look here, sister.

Give it to me straight.

I have one job open for you...

as a hydro-automotive
maintenance technician.

Oh, that sounds
good. Where is it?

The Jiffy Car Wash.

Happy wiping.

Happy wiping.

Say, listen...

why don't you come on
down near the Jiffy sometime

and get a hot wax on your face?

Where could he be, Julio?

It's almost 5:00.

Relax, man.

You said yourself
he was gonna be late.

Yeah, I know, man,

but I could tell
by looking at him

that he was worried.

I tell you, man,

he's gonna have reason to worry

if Arms Crowder comes in
and wants his money back.



Where have you been?

I was just out strolling.

Why do I keep hearing water?

Maybe they got
high tide in Tijuana.

Hey, Lamont,

look at the back of
your father's shirt.

Wait a minute. What is this?

Jiffy Car Wash?

Hey, man, you didn't
go to meet Al Banks!

You went down there

and got a job at the
car wash, didn't you?

Oh, Mr. Sanford, you look tired.

Why don't you sit down, man?

Come on, Pops. Sit down.

Take it easy, son.
Take it easy with me.

I think I got a...

I think I got a
barracuda in my boots.

Ahh... Oh... Oh,
son, that feels good.

Get that other one.

Hey. Hey, listen,
man, I gotta go, man.

I gotta feed Chico.
I'm sorry about that.

Hey, feel better,
Mr. Sanford. Hasta luego.

Yeah, and Guy Lombardo to you.


Listen, son. Look
here. I made $9.00.

Now, do you think you
can give that to your friends

until Al comes back?

Hey, Pop, look,
let's face it, man.

Al is a thief, and
he's not coming back,

so let's just forget about him.

Don't say that. Don't
say that about Al.

Look, I've known
Al for 30 years,

and I have faith in him,
and he wouldn't let me down.

See, there's got to be
some simple explanation.

There is. He ripped us off.

Don't you talk
about Al like that.


Come in.

I want my money.

Wait a minute, man.

Listen, what do you mean

tearing my door
down off the hinges?

What do you mean
screaming in my living room?

What do you mean,
"I want my money?"

I'm going to break
every bone in your body.

I know what you mean.

Well, look, look, wait a minute.

Now, just take it easy.
Now, you'll get your money.

Just don't threaten my
father no more, all right?

Now, just stay there.
Now, you'll get your money.

All right.

Listen, son, what
you leaving me for

in my time of trouble?

I'm gonna give you this money.

This is the money

that I been saving
from the poker game,

so you can pay him,

and then pay the
rest of the guys off.

No, that's charity.

I don't want you to
give me that money.

Pop, this is not charity, man.

I'm gonna tell you something.

That car wash will kill
you faster than Arms will.

Well, listen, I want to
make my own money.

I don't want that money.

Look, consider it a loan.

Now, just take this money
and consider it a loan.

Well, how am I
gonna pay you back?

Whenever you get it, man.

I'll tell you what. Pay
me next year, all right?

Next year? Next year.


Give me the money.

Hey, listen here, buddy.
Here's your money.

Why don't you go somewhere
and buy yourself a personality?

Well... Thanks, son.

I guess that's that.

Thanks a lot, son.

Hey, would you do me a favor?

Anything, son.

In the future, be
a little more careful

about the people that
you call your friends.

I'm going to bed.

Hey, Pop.

FRED: Hey, Al.

Al! You came back!

I knew you'd come back!

See, didn't I tell
you you was wrong?


Yeah, see, Lamont said
that you'd stole all the money

and wasn't ever coming back.

Well, Fred, Lamont was right.

I did steal the money,

and I wasn't never
gonna come back,

but on my way
to the bus station,

I saw you working
at that car wash,

and I realized something.

In you, Fred, I realized
I had something

that all the money in
the world couldn't buy...

a friend.

So here's your money.
Here's every penny of it.

All the money? All of it.

See that, Lamont? I
told you you was wrong.

Al, thanks a lot, Al.

Look, you know
what we're gonna do?

We're gonna go
somewhere and celebrate.

I'm gonna take you
down to Jacobs' Soul Food

and buy you the biggest dinner

you ever had in your life.

Well, you on, Fred.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What do you mean you're
taking him to Jacobs' Soul Food

and buy him a dinner?
That's my money.

No, no. This is my
money. You loaned it to me.

Yeah, but I loaned
you that money

when you didn't have no money

to pay your debt off, man.

Now, I want my money back.

Well, I didn't see that
in the credit application.

Well, just how do you propose

to pay me my money back?

Well, now, you have a choice.

Either let me play every
Friday when you all play poker,

and win a little bit
back every week...


That's the choice.

Look here, Al.

I'm going upstairs
to put my shoes on.

I'll be on back
down in a minute.

Back out of the way.

Go right ahead.

Hi, Pop.

Hi, son.

Man, I am tired.

Sit down here and
give me a little rest.

Yeah, well, cheer up,
son. I got some good news.

Al is coming here to live
in Los Angeles for good.

Well, that's okay.
Al's a nice guy.


I guess I'll go upstairs
and take me a little nap.

You can't go up there, son,

because Al's up
there in your bed.

Well, I'll just go in here

and make myself a
meatloaf sandwich.

No, no. Al and I had
the meatloaf for lunch.

Well, I'll just sit down here,

nibble a little popcorn,

and watch a little television.

No, wait a minute,
that's Al's popcorn.

See, we've been watching
the afternoon movie,

and it's a good one on today
called Godzilla Eats Benji.

No nap, no food, no television.

Just what am I supposed to do?

Well, I have a
little suggestion...