Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 8 - Superflyer - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Pop, I hope my breakfast
is ready, man, I'm starving.

Say, what're you looking at?

There's somebody
out there in the yard.

Well, find out who it is.
Maybe it's a customer.

No, he's not looking
at the merchandise,

he's looking at the
house more like the police

look at the house.

He's doing more
snooping than looking.

Let me take a look.

He doesn't look like
a policeman to me.



Maybe he's a bill collector.

Well he came to the right place.

Well, if he comes to the
door, find out what he wants.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

I don't care what he wants,

so I just ain't going
to open the door.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, Pop, will you get the door?

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

We're closed. There's
a junkman strike.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Hey, man, are you
going to get the door,

or do I have to come
out there and do it?

All right, all right.



Mr. Sanford? Fred Sanford?

You must have the wrong address.

I'm looking for Fred Sanford

and the sign out front
says Sanford and Son.

Oh, that's two different people.

See, that's Fred Sanford
and Sanford Andson.

See, Sanford is the first name
and Andson is the last name.

Eh, who is it, Pop?

Oh, this is my son, Lamont.

Lamont Andson.

What're you talking about?

Can I help you?

I hope so. I'm looking
for a Fred Sanford.

That's him.

Then you are Fred Sanford.

Mr. Sanford,

I'm with the firm of Cornwall,
Phillips, Bishop and Shapiro.

Say, son, this may be
some kind of racket, son.

Next thing he'll tell
you he's Shapiro.

Pop, at least wait and listen
to what the man has to say.

Thank you.

My name is Lester Barrington,

and I was to try and
track down Fred Sanford.

I'm here to inform Mr. Sanford

that his Uncle
Leotis Sanford died.

I don't know no Leotis Sanford.

And to tell him that he
left him 1,500 dollars.

Uncle Leotis is dead?!

Pop, I didn't know you
had an uncle named Leotis?

Are you kidding? That
was my favorite uncle...

Come in Mr. Shapiro.

Barrington.

Barrington? Oh,
the beard fooled me.

Say, why were you
beating around the bush?

Why didn't you come
right out and say

that my Uncle Leotis
he died and left me

1,500... I mean died
and left this world?

Poor Uncle Leotis.

I didn't know you had an
named uncle named Leotis.

Yeah, I did.

He was my favorite uncle

and he liked me better
than he liked his own kids.

According to my information,
Leotis Sanford had no children.

Uh...

Yeah, that was Uncle Ernest.

Yeah, see, all uncles
look alike to me.

But Uncle Leotis was
the athlete of the family.

Yeah, he was fast
as Jesse Owens.

Now wait a minute.

I remember you talking
about a Leotis Sanford

that had a club foot.

Is that the same one?

Yeah, and if it hadn't
been for that club foot

he'd of been faster
than Jesse Owens.

Poor Uncle Leotis.

I'd like to extend my sympathy.

While you're at it...

would you like to
extend my money?

I'm afraid I can't.

Your money is in St. Louis.

Huh? What's my
money doing in St. Louis?

Well, Mr. Sanford,

because your uncle
thought so much of you,

it was his last request
that no one but you

take care of his
burial arrangements.

When you complete
this requirement,

the money is yours.

Well, can we put him
in the ground today?

Well, no. Burial plans are being
held up until you approve them.

So, may I suggest
you leave for St. Louis

as soon as possible.

Say listen.

Couldn't they ship Uncle Leotis
out here to the West Coast,

he'd love California.

And smog wouldn't
bother him at the cemetery.

I'm sorry.

My instructions were
to get you to St. Louis.

Here is the address and
the man you are to contact

when you get there.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Barrington.

We'll try and get out
as soon as possible.

And I'm sorry my father
gave you a little trouble at first,

but he's a very suspicious man.

I understand. Well, good day.

Thank you very much.

How about that, Pop?

Fifteen-hundred bucks
and all we got to do

is go to St. Louis
and pick it up.

I can't believe it.

Me either. Leaving
me all that money.

I haven't seen Uncle
Ulysses in 30 years.

You mean Leotis, don't you?

Yeah, I ain't seen
him in 30 years either.

Look here son, you come
on over here to the phone

and call the train station

and find out what
time we gotta to leave.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop, the
train ain't gonna get it, man.

You heard what the man said;

we've got to get there
as soon as possible,

now that means we've got to fly.

Fly?

You mean on an airplane?

No, on a Frisbee!

Of course on an airplane.

Uh-uh. I ain't getting
on no airplane.

That's dangerous.

Pop, do you realize
it's more dangerous

driving on the freeway than
it is flying on an airplane?

And I ain't taking
no freeway either.

I ain't flying. Forget it.
Just call me a choo-choo.

Hey, Pop, flying is fun, man.

Haven't you've seen
those commercials:

"Hi, I'm Jackie,
fly me to St. Louis."

Okay, you fly, give me Jackie,

and we'll meet you
in St. Louis, Louie.

Pop, you've never even
been on a plane before.

Or a plane crash either.

And you're 66 years old.

And gonna live to be 67...

Well, what makes you think
the plane is gonna crash?

How come you gotta look
for the worst in everything?

Because the last time I hoped
for the best, you were born.

No airplane. That's out.

All right, we're gonna
mess right around here

and blow $1,500.

That's $1,500, Pop.

I know you don't want to
take a chance on losing that.

And also, I don't want to
take a chance on losing this.

Pop, this is the 20th century,
man. Everybody flies nowadays.

It's the same thing
as taking a bus.

I ain't never heard of nobody
skyjacking no Greyhound.

Oh, come on, man...
Well, you read about it

in the paper
everyday, don't you?

Everyday you read about
somebody hijacking something.

We might wind up
in Turkey or Poland

or one of them primitive places

and wind up catching
some Oriental disease.

Listen, Pop, you go
upstairs and pack the bag,

and I'll call the airline.

Wait, a minute, son.

Wait a minute, don't call.

Wait a minute, please.

We gotta make reservations
as soon as possible.

I'm so broken up
over Uncle Leotis,

if we don't fly, I'll
have enough time

to pull myself together.

A train or a bus
would take too long.

Now we either fly
or we don't go at all.

Now, I'm gonna
call the airlines.

Wait a minute,
son. Wait a minute.

I'm beginning to feel bad.

You'll be fine once
you're up in the air.

In the air? How high?

H-h-h-how high?

How high they go up?

About 30, 40,000 feet...

Oh, I feel a big one coming.

You hear that, Elizabeth?

I'm coming to join you, honey.

In a 747.

ANNOUNCER: Dallas
is now ready for boarding.

Passengers please proceed...

Excuse me, is this
the way to flight 195?

That's right.

Would you walk right
through here, please?

Say, what's this thing?

That's a metal detector, sir.

Yeah, that's to stop people

from sneaking weapons
on board the plane.

I ain't got no weapon.
I left my knife at home.

Yeah, well you gotta
go through it anyway.

You go through first.

Thank you. Next please.

You didn't get no shock
or nothing, did you?

No. Now would you
walk through there?

[BUZZING]

Sir, would you
step right over here

for just a moment, please?

What's wrong? What's
the trouble, officer?

Well, this gentleman had a
very high reading on the machine.

Sir, do you have any
metal objects on you?

No. I don't have any.

Lester, please.

What's that thing there?

It's just a portable metal
detector, sir, it's harmless.

He's just gonna
pass it over your body.

Watch that stuff!

Sir, would you empty
that pocket please?

Why? Come on, Pop.

Stop wasting time, man.

A crucifix... A St.
Christopher's Medal...

A star of David... A
crescent of Islam...

and a Buddha... And a mojo!

What do you need
all these things for?

It's flight insurance.

Deep down here on
the ground I'm a Baptist,

but up there I ain't
taking no chances.

Can we go now?

Yes, you can go right
through that gate there.

Look at this, why... You
don't want me to have...

[ARGUING]

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Hi, are you Jackie?

No, I'm Carol.

Oh, we were supposed
to fly Jackie to St. Louis,

but I guess we'll
fly you, Carol.

Here's our seats, Pop.

You wanna sit
next to the window?

No, there ain't nothing
out there I want to see.

Good afternoon.

Oh, good afternoon.

May I have your name
and destination please?

Lamont Sanford and
I'm going to St. Louis.

Thank you.

Is your companion asleep?

Hey, Pop, open your eyes,

the stewardess wants to
ask you some questions.

Is she pretty?

What difference does it make?

I'm not just gonna open my
eyes to look at somebody ugly.

She's very pretty.

Are you Jackie?

No, I'm Susan.

Hey, Pop, just answer
the questions, man.

May I have your name
and destination please?

Uh, Sanford. That's
S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.

Hey listen, honey.

Can't me and you go
somewhere and sit somewhere

alone just me and you,
by ourselves, together?

So in case the plane
crashes, I'll be smiling.

Pop!

He's only kidding.

No I ain't.

Well, I'll be back a
little later, Mr. Sanford.

You can call me Fred, darling.

I can't take you no place.

You're not satisfied unless
you're embarrassing me.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Good afternoon,

ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome aboard
our flight 195 to St. Louis.

At this time we ask you to
make sure that your seat belts

are securely fastened

and that you
extinguish all cigarettes

and observe the
no smoking signs.

Thank you.

Hey listen, will you
put that cigarette out?

Can't you read the sign?

Talking to me?

Uh, no, excuse me...

Can't you read the sign

that tells you to put
the cigarette out?

So put it out!

Sit down and relax there, moose.

Would you just sit down here
and mind your own business?

This is my business.

You think I want to be
blown up in this plane

Just because
that idiot over there

can't read the sign?!

You all right, moose.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies
and gentlemen, at this time,

I'd like to point out some
of the safety features

of this airplane.

Located in the compartment
above you is an oxygen mask.

I don't see none.

In the event there
is insufficient oxygen

in the cabin, it will drop
down automatically.

Simply place the oxygen
mask over your nose and mouth

and breathe normally.

Would you sit down!

You're supposed to be seated
when the seat belt sign is on.

Let me go! I want
an oxygen mask.

Listen, there's an oxygen mask
right up here and it drops down.

Now sit down! What
if it don't drop down?

What if it gets stuck up there?

I want me an oxygen mask!

For your safety and convenience,

please note the locations
of the emergency doors

and windows that are located

throughout the plane.

They are clearly marked.

Hey, we got a emergency window?

No, Pop. Emergency windows
have "emergency" written on them.

Well, why don't we have
an emergency window?

If everybody else got
an emergency window,

I want an emergency window too.

Hey, I want an emergency
window and an oxygen mask.

You want an emergency
window too and an oxygen mask?

Make that two emergency
windows and an oxygen mask.

That's what I want.

Pop, would please sit down
and stop making trouble?

[ENGINES START]

Lamont!

Lamont!

What? The plane is moving.

No kidding. Now just relax.

The plane is just
taxiing onto the runway

so we can take off.

Now just relax, all right?

Why do we have to take off?

Why can't we just taxi
right on into St. Louis?

We're already on here
now, Pop, so just relax.

Listen, suppose I
have a heart attack.

Can I get out of here?

It's too late, Pop, we're
already on the plane,

now just relax.

Oh, I ain't gonna make it.

Would you stop that?

Everybody on the
plane is staring at us.

What the hell's wrong with
you, you ain't you never seen

no man have a
heart attack before?

You can watch me have a
heart attack if you want to, moose.

Sir, are you alright?

Yeah, he's fine. You see, um,

this is his first trip,
and he's a little nervous.

See, I'm going to St. Louis,
and I'm taking my father with me.

Yeah. He's taking me
to join my dead uncle.

Well, perhaps you'd
like something to drink.

What would you like?

I'd like a fifth of Ripple.

I beg your pardon?

We'll both have champagne.

That's good,
champagne and Ripple.

We'll mix them together
that's my favorite...

I call it Champipple.

We'll just have
champagne, thank you.

Well, here are your menus.

When I come back
with your drinks,

you can tell me what
you'd like for your entrée.

I don't need this, honey,
I know what I want.

Give me some neck
bones and black eyed peas,

can of sweet potatoes,
and some collard greens,

and some peach cobbler
and a side of zucchini.

And a bowl of gravy.

I'll explain it to him.
Thank you very much.

Onion gravy!

Pop, would you just relax.

Now look, there's a lot of nice
things on the menu here, okay?

Now look at this: you
got steak over here,

you got lobster, you
got Cantonese duck...

A lot of nice things on here.

Look, this stuff cost so much,

they don't even put
the prices beside it.

No, Pop, we're flying
first class, man...

we get our choice of
any of this stuff for free.

See, you don't get
that in second class.

We can eat any of
this stuff here for free?

Our choice.

Then I won't be needing these.

I won't be needing
these chicken wings.

What is that?!

I told you, it's chicken wings.

Would you put those things away!

No, maybe somebody can
use them in second class.

Please, Pop! Please, no, please!

Hey, anybody back here want
to buy some chicken wings?

Chicken wings, fool!

I just hate to see
some wings go to waste.

Just sit down here and
behave yourself, please?

Behave yourself?

You ain't my daddy;
I'm your daddy.

You don't tell me what to do.

Well, somebody's got
to tell you what to do,

because you don't
know how to act in public.

Listen, you keep
talking like that

I'm going to put my
foot right in your...

[PLANE TAKING OFF]

Ah, gentlemen, come in, please.

Have a seat.

Did you have an
enjoyable flight?

Yeah, it was Pop's first flight,

but everything
turned out all right.

Oh, Mr. Sanford,
how did you like it?

It was all right. I spent
most of the time in the toilet.

Oh, were you ill?

No. I just got done,
and I was on my way out

and this sign flashed on
and said: Return to seat.

So I sat back down.

Uh...

We tried to get here as
soon as possible, Mr. Menton.

I hope we're not too late.

No, no, you're just fine.

Uh, Mr. Sanford,
your uncle must have

thought a lot of you to entrust

this responsibility to you.

Yeah, poor Uncle Leotis.

Hey, Lamont, we've
got to give Uncle Leo

a real nice send-off.
Nothing but the best.

Can we see him?

In a minute, Pop.

Now what about the
arrangements, Mr. Menton?

Well, since I wasn't sure
when you would arrive,

I took the liberty of inquiring
into suitable arrangements,

I was sure you'd want your uncle

interred as
expeditiously as possible.

Yeah, and we ought to
try and get him buried too.

I beg your pardon.

Nothing.

You did the right thing.

Yes. Well, I've itemized a
list of things like the burial plot,

coffin, headstone, mortuary fee.

With all the prices of course.

And if these meet
with your approval,

We'll have them confirmed

and set by tomorrow afternoon.

A copper colored coffin,

a cement and marble headstone.

Uncle Leotis always
was a sharp dresser.

Can I take a look at that, Pop?

Yeah, everything
seems to be in order.

Good, good.

In that case, then there's
just a little matter of a check.

Your uncle's gift to you.

Yeah, just think.

This'll be the last thing I
ever get from Uncle Leotis.

Thank you.

And thank you, Uncle Leotis.

Wherever you are.

Mr. Sanford, if you'll just
endorse the check over to me,

I'll take care of everything.

Thank you.

I'll just take this
into my secretary

and then we can get right
off to the funeral home.

No, wait a minute.

I thought you were
going to cash this check.

Cash it?

Uh, no, didn't the man
who that contacted you

in Los Angeles
explain the situation?

Yeah, he said I had I
had a neat 1,500 coming,

and if you ain't going
to cash the check,

just give it back to me

and I'll cash it when
I get back home

at the liquor store
where I trade.

I'm afraid you've been misled.

You see, this money wasn't
intended for you to keep.

It was intended for you to
use for your uncle's funeral.

What?

What're you talking
about, Mr. Menton?

I'm talking about
your uncle's will.

And this is in
accordance with it.

Yeah but after we finish
paying for all of this,

we'll barely have
enough to cover the price

of the plane tickets.

Well, this was
all your uncle left.

And he wanted
his favorite nephew

to use it for his funeral.

I'm glad you agree you
wanted the very best for him,

because that's exactly
what I got. The very best.

Excuse me, will you?

Wait a minute, man.

You believe that?

We flew all the way here
to St. Louis for nothing?

Come all the way out here to
St. Louis, just to sign a check.

I'll be damned.

Well, I guess it's
something we had to do.

Come on, Pop, let's go pay
our last respects to your uncle.

I don't want to see that clown.

Pop!

I knew there was
something about that chump

I didn't like.

He had one good eye,
and that one was sneaky.

Come on, Pop, show some respect.

The man just died.

One less ugly
person in the world.

And he was ugly.

He looked like a fried
monkey in the face.

Had a old peanut-shaped head.

Every time it rained,

he had a big puddle
of water in the middle.

I thought you said he
was your favorite uncle.

Are you kidding?! I didn't
like him or his mama.

Well, there's nothing we can
do about the money now, Pop.

So just cheer up, at least
you got a chance to take

a free trip to St. Louis,
man. Cheer up, Pop.

Elizabeth, honey,

if a clubfooted, sneaky-eyed,
guy shows up there

with a peanut shaped
head with a puddle of water

in the middle of it,
that's Uncle Leotis.

And honey, don't
let that clown in.

Please honey, shut
the gate on that clown.

[LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING]

What a drag. What a drag.

We came all the way
to St. Louis for nothing.

My luck ain't been this
bad in my whole entire life.

Are we going to go
through that again, Pop?

It was your Uncle
Leotis' final request that

you to take care of
the final arrangements.

I could've phoned in
those arrangements.

Well, it's already been done,
and we're on our way home,

so just relax, okay?

Hey, do you want to
sit next to the window?

I don't want to sit over there,

with my kind of
luck I'd fall out.

I smell chicken.

Hey, maybe we're going
to have chicken for dinner.

Oh, no, this is
probably what you smell.

Gimme that. Don't tell me you
still got these chicken wings?

I'm gonna ring
for the stewardess

and have her throw these out.

No don't do that!
You might get hungry

on the way home
from the airport.

Yes, may I help you?

Yeah, oh, hi, are you Jackie?

No, I'm Wendy. Do
you want to see Jackie?

Jackie's on this plane here?

Yes, she is... Jackie!

You hear that?
Jackie's on the plane.

Jackie's on this
plane here that we on!

I've been trying to
find her all the times...

Jackie's on this
plane! Hi, I'm Jackie!

I'm going to the toilet.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford and Son

is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.